#it is ENTIRELY my fault that i am a lesbian and i do not regret the choice. women r fucking hot

[syn4k]

"thank you butch lesbians we love you" you're welcome honey we love you too. and anyways someone's gotta dyke this place up faggot style and that someone is me with my he/they/she swag and shaved head and beautiful wife

[hannahssimblr]

I spend three hours wandering around the estate looking for Goose. I've checked every front garden, every hedge and flower bed and under every car, looked inside bins and up trees by the time I'm forced to contend with the fact that I haven't confronted the railroad tracks yet. I don't. I never pluck up the courage.

I can’t fathom it, being the one to find him there, sweet Goose with his little kitten paws and soft pewter fur. This thought that I hadn’t even considered until Michelle spat it at me is tormenting me now as I forlornly wander the evening streets, calling out the name that I’m not even sure he knows to answer to yet. 

I stumble upon Jen in a little park we used to drink in when we were fourteen. She’s been out looking too, evidently, but has had enough and is sitting on the ground gazing out over the last russet streaks of sunset over Dublin Bay. 

“Have you given up?” I ask her. Her eyes are clouded with sadness 

“I have a feeling he’s gone, Jude,” she says. I feel a lump forming in my throat. “He mightn’t be. He might come back, you know, cats are known to show up after being away for days, weeks, months even,” this is the sort of bargaining a person who refuses to accept the obvious truth gets too involved with, and the kind I’ve been doing with myself the whole afternoon, thinking that maybe if I imagine Goose’s return with enough conviction I will magic him home again, but Jen, for once does not match my idealism.

“He probably doesn’t know where his home is yet, he’s too new.”

“Yeah,” I shift some loose gravel with the toe of my shoe. “Jen, I feel so awful.”

“I know,” she says, and holds her arms out to me to pull me to the ground and wrap them around me, “It isn’t your fault, it could have happened to any of us.”

“I ruined the entire day with my stupidity.”

“Shh, stop,” gently fingers stroke my hair at the nape of my neck, “you just made a mistake, it’s human.”

“Did I ruin your date?”

She pauses, “It’s okay, I don’t think she realised it was a date, and it's probably for the best.” 

The wind rustles through the trees around the park, and I feel chilled with the knowledge that change is coming. The school year is ending soon and now the future lies unavoidably ahead of me, a path completely untrodden. 

“You’ll find someone else to take to the debs,” I tell Jen, peering at the side of her face as her short crop of chestnut hair is backlit by the sunset. “You should have been the first person to get a date anyway.”

She gives me a half smile, unconvinced, “there are like, four lesbians in our year including me.”

“Out lesbians,” I point out, “You never know.”

“When I go to college it will be better,” she says firmly, “school is just destined to be shit, romantically, I mean.”

“In all ways, I think.”

She just laughs. 

“This stuff is bullshit anyway.”

“What is? Love?”

I rub my arms where goosebumps are rising with the cold. I should have worn a jumper. “Yeah, you’re not missing out on much.”

A silence follows, one that feels deliberate, but I venture into it anyway, “Michelle and I had a bad fight earlier.”

“I heard.”

“Us shouting?”

“Mm.”

“Sorry.” I wipe my nose which is running from the cold with the back of my arm. “It was terrible, we both said awful things.”

She just circles her hand on my knee in a vague gesture of comfort.  

“Sometimes it feels like she’s trying to hurt me, you know what I mean? It’s like she has all of this bad stuff stored up that she wants to, like, unleash. It’s so vicious. It seems like she really wants to dig her nails in and leave a mark on me, and then I get so defensive, like, because talking it out doesn’t work, I have to shout, and I have to be horrible too so that she’ll even react to me.”

“We all say things we regret when we’re upset.”

“Yeah, but it’s so destructive. I come away from it all feeling like shit. Like, this isn't who I am, I’m not a person who fights. At least I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be up there saying these things to her, but I can’t stand there and let her say them to me either.”

“Yeah.”

“And I worry a lot about what things are going to look like after this year is over, like, with college and stuff,” even mentioning it makes my stomach feel tight, “like, um, how she wants us to live together and all.”

“And you’re nervous about that?”

I sigh, “Well, I don’t know, it makes sense to do it, right? She thought we could get a little place near NCAD, and we’ve been looking at houses online, and… I don’t know. The idea of being around her all of the time, like, twenty-four-seven, sharing a bed, eating every meal together, walking to college, it makes me feel claustrophobic, and then I worry that if I feel that way now, how am I going to feel when I’m actually doing it? Surely it’s not supposed to feel so terrible, right?” I prompt her when she doesn’t respond, “Jen? What do you think?”

She pauses for a long moment, toying with the aglets on the end of her boot laces. “I think that you’re asking me for an opinion I’m not prepared to give you.”

“...right.”

“We agreed, I agreed with you both that I’d never talk to one about the other. It’s not fair on me and I don’t want to feel stuck in the middle of it.”

“But-”

“You’re both nice people and I love you both so much, but when you are together you are absolutely horrible. That’s all I want to say.”

I don't know how to respond to that, so I don't, I just sit in bad feelings and wish for the millionth time that my brain was normal enough to make good choices on its own and not beg them from other people.

I sniff again, though this time I’m not sure if it’s just because of the cold. “So, um, the acceptance deadline for those other colleges is coming up.” 

“The foreign ones?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you still going to turn them down?”

“I promised Michelle that I would.” 

Jen’s shoulders slump, all of her does, like someone has let the air out of her, but she just says, “Alright.”

I feel the teeth of my genuine desperation for her opinion, her approval gnawing at me. I just want the sage words of advice she’s withholding from me, “Is it a mistake? Like, if I reject their offers? Would that be the stupidest thing I ever did?”

“I don’t know.”

“I worked hard, you know? I really put everything I had into those applications, I gave them the best that I had and they loved it, they said really nice things about me in the letters, and sometimes, like, I think I’ll die, or something, if I don’t leave Dublin. But then there’s Michelle,” I fist the front of my hair in my hand, “and the things at home, and I don’t know what the right thing is, whether it’s hurting myself or hurting everyone else…”

“Jude,” Jen suddenly grabs hold of my face and forces me to look into her eyes, “you have to do what feels right, okay? I’m not going to tell you what to do. Like, just… you need to fucking search within or whatever.”

“Uh huh. What does that entail?” 

“I dunno!” She lets me go and stands up, brushing dirt from the back of her jeans, “C’mon, it’s cold, we should go home.”

“Uh, I was kind of hoping you’d be able to solve me, actually.”

“No, this time you can solve yourself. C’mon, up!” She presents her hand to me and I let her haul me onto my feet. 

“Ugh, Jen,” I say, feeling myself sinking back into a melancholy hole again, but she links my arms and brusquely walks me toward the playground gates with all the pep of a middle aged Sunday morning power walker. “You know what? I think we could both do with something nice to make us feel better.”

“What do you mean ‘something nice’?

“Like, I dunno, an ice cream or something.”

“What time is it? It must be after nine.”

“Yeah, so? I was thinking of that place with all the weird flavours, do you remember that?”

“Yeah, but it’s all the way in town. Effort.”

“You can drive, can’t you?”

“You want me to drive? Jen I hate driving.”

“I think you’ll do it for me.”

“Why’d you think that?”

She eyes me sideways, “After what you put me through today, hm?”

“That's manipulation.”

“No, it's payback.”

“Fine. I’ll go get the car.”

“Really?”

“Yes! Come on, before I change my mind.”

Beginning // Prev // Next

[tibby]

will u share your fave thoughts on adam + why u love him etc etc

on a surface level, i am just very endeared by fictional pathetic men. they're my bread and butter alongside mean lesbians. so, you know, looking at it THAT way, i was always going to love adam no matter what.

but on a deeper level, i think it comes down to this: at the start of the movie, we are led to believe that adam is two things, angry and apathetic. and the rest of the movie shows us that he isn't either of those things, not really. his perceived apathy, and particularly his anger, are just his defence mechanisms. adam is not a genuinely angry and apathetic person because if he was then he would be cruel and uncaring, and adam is not either of those things.

something that always strikes me about adam is how quickly he allies himself with lawrence. and sure, his only other companion in the room is a presumably dead body, and he bitches a lot, but also...adam knows that lawrence could very well kill him. that that's his game, that the lives of his wife and daughter depend on it. but adam decides pretty early on that this isn't an "every man for himself" type of situation. he doesn't want to get out and leave lawrence behind. he wants to get out with lawrence. and while the knowledge that lawrence has a family out there that need him probably impacts this decision, i also don't think adam would ever willingly leave anyone behind to rot in that bathroom. despite the airs he puts on, i think adam does care about people more than he could ever admit. the saw films thrive on cruelty but adam never could.

i've spoken about this before but the way adam's demeanour changes so quickly when he gives lawrence the photo of alison and diana is one of The most telling moments for his character. because up until that point he had been so unwilling to share the photo because he knew what it would do to lawrence, and while adam wasn't afraid to make snide remarks to rile lawrence up (because that's all he's ever known how to do), he never wanted to actually hurt him. he only snaps and throws the photo when lawrence keeps pressuring him and insulting him, and adam clearly regrets giving into his impulses the moment lawrence sees it. in seconds, he goes from cocky and arrogant to guilty and apologetic.

and i think that, from what little we know of him, has been most of adam's life. apathetic to seem cool and angry when people push him but filled with regret whenever he realises he's gone too far. if anger and apathy were truly the core of adam's being, then he wouldn't feel that regret. but he does. and i think that the knowledge that he's hurt someone - even unintentionally - just adds to his self loathing, which adds to his negative worldview, which adds to his destructive coping and defence mechanisms. it's an endless, miserable cycle! adam's life is a miserable cycle, and it ends with him dying alone in a decrepit bathroom.

i know that the ~canon~ of the original script/the scott tibbs documentary/deleted scenes are subjective, so i won't dwell on them too much, but the things they add to adam's character make me crazy. he was kind to amanda, and that brief moment was enough to break through her jaded shell and make her put an end to his misery! he loved animals and wanted to be a vet! ik the line about wanting to fix his mistakes with his family made it into some cuts but it truly makes me insane when combined with the original script moments of the voicemail and his CALL MOM? note, because i think there's enough there to assume that whatever happened to make him cut ties...wasn't entirely adam's fault. scott tibbs remarking that he tried to make adam "less of a pussy" or whatever makes adam's angry defence mechanism so much more understandable, given that it's not actually who he is. adam is kind and adam is caring but...with friends like those, no wonder he's the way he is. and the "i'm alive and i'm nothing" line from the original script...leigh whannell you are NEVER seeing heaven.

a friend of mine once pointed out that in theory, zep and adam's roles in lawrence's game could be reversed. that is, zep is the one chained up in the bathroom and adam is the one with alison and diana. and i've always found that point interesting because it only works in theory. because adam would never be willing to do what zep did. i truly think that adam would rather die than kidnap two people, one of whom is a child, and be tasked with killing them if another murder wasn't committed. i don't think he could do it. adam's sole act of violence - against zep - is done to protect lawrence. he is not a violent person and he never could be.

and. god. adam killing zep to save lawrence being the last thing he'll ever really do in his life...it makes me feel insane. because lawrence just shot adam, just made moves to kill or seriously injure him, and adam's immediate response was to literally kill a man to save him. even after everything, lawrence was still his ally, was still someone that adam was loyal to. i'm sure you could argue that he did it so lawrence could help him escape, but you could also argue that lawrence's death could have resulted in adam's survival - after all, the tape was vague. but i think adam truly just didn't want lawrence to die, because he'd grown to care about him in those eight hours, because he wanted lawrence to see his wife and daughter again, because lawrence made him believe that there's always hope and a way out. he still wants to get out with lawrence. not without him.

(and i think, that's also why adam holds out hope for lawrence to come back until the bitter end.)

i think it all really leads back to THE line from the original script that i think about all the time. the pawn has done what the knight couldn't do. because pawns are seen as weak, as sacrificial, as the least important pieces on the board. but a game can't be played without them, and pawns have their own abilities. they're loyal and they're protective and capable of great strength when the situation calls for it.

and is that not who adam is, in his heart of hearts?

[literaphobe]

season one of she-ra rated by catradora content

the sword part 1: right off the bat we find out just what adora’s all about. she’s a so called goody two shoes but she’ll lie to authority to protect catra.... ok lesbian lmao. but then we meet catra and she’s like “hey adora ;) how’s it hanging?” and we get it. we completely get it. oh my god. everything from the way catra talks to the way she laughs. adora never stood a chance :( we get a classic locker room flirting scene where catra teases adora and adora pretends she’s above all that only to be like hey cat gf is that a MOUSE which is very rude :( don’t scare ur cat gf or she will become evil :( oh wait. anyway.... their flirting gets cut short because homophobia walks in and separates them :/ before that tho she praises adora. adora who loves her gf so much ignores shadow weaver’s praise and says “catra did so good tho <3” and puts her arm around catra which pisses off the only homophobe in etheria. adora doesn’t really want to follow shadow weaver because she just wants to be with catra, and she even argues with shadow weaver about bringing catra onto the field with her. but she loses the argument because shadow weaver fucking sucks and has no idea how to be chill :/ catra finds adora after that and greets adora the way all gals greet their pals. by... pouncing on her waist. ok lol. catra is so proud of her gf getting promoted and says baby i love you <3 baby when are we leaving <3 except adora says catra’s not allowed to come :( so cat gf gets sad and runs to the roof. in response, adora gets a literal Grappling Hook to chase after her. adora doesn’t want her gf to be sad so she steals a skiff and they go on a date <3 but they’re so obsessed with control and play fighting with each other that adora falls off the skiff and finds out she’s like. god with a sword. i mean she-ra. uh, so adora fake wakes up in a dream and is like catra? :( because catra is the only thing she ever looks for when she wakes up (yes i am clowning. of course i know catra was the only person she was with but shhhh), and then she wakes up for real and catra is straddling her waist, which... ok. catra worries about her gf maybe being brain damaged so they cut their date short and go back to the fright zone. they go to sleep, and have their nightly sleepover, which means they sleep in the same bed :) even tho catra’s own bed is already on top of adora’s :) superb :) anyway adora dreams about her lesbian sword and wakes up scared. she smiles when she sees catra sleeping soundly in her bed however because uwu cat gf go zzzzz. adora gets out of bed which catra IMMEDIATELY senses because she opens her eyes right after and follows adora. because uh.... their friendship is just that lit and strong. catra is worried and wants to follow her gf to find this cool lesbian sword she keeps talking about, but adora makes perhaps one of the worst calls ever and tells catra to stay behind because she doesn’t want to get catra in trouble :( which is like, she has good intentions and all, but you should always bring your gymnast cat gf along when u look for sick ass gay swords. adora would know that if she wasn’t raised by the literal embodiment of gay oppression. oh well. guess they’re gonna have to fight each other for five seasons to figure it out. 9.5/10 because we got so much content all literally in the first ep. it’s like hey look they’re in love and they’re girlfriends who touch each other way too much. and we’re like noelle that’s really cool! will we get more gf content? and noelle said yes but also you’ve got a big storm coming! and it’s going to kill you!

the sword part 2: against adora’s wishes, catra gets in trouble for adora’s departure, and this makes catra sad bc where did her gf go? :( shadow weaver accuses catra of knowing where adora is because despite her raging homophobia she still knows that adora wouldn’t go anywhere without telling catra. and she’s right but just because she’s right doesn’t mean i have to like her. anyway... catra gets sent to bring adora back to the fright zone, and even tho shadow weaver threatens her in scary horrid ways catra is only happy to see adora again and once again pins her to the ground with her knees on adora’s.... yea........ and she’s happy bc she has a tank :) good for u catra we all love and cherish you <3333 anyway catra makes fun of adora because she thought adora got captured which... technically true but also not but also! catra sees a flower in adora’s hair which she takes to mean that adora cheated on her :( wtf :( and adora says no baby :( no i didn’t cheat on u :( and catra is like. ok fine. let’s go back to the horde. and adora says baby we can’t go back to the horde :( did u know that they were evil? im woke now. come be woke with me. and catra is like. wait. u just realized the horde sucks? did you not see shadow weaver electrocute me. did you think she did that for gay rights? and adora is like catra baby i didn’t mean it like that :( but it’s too late. it’s all very upsetting and i don’t wanna get into it. essentially catra thinks she can escape shadow weaver’s abuse by fighting the horde from within but adora thinks she can escape shadow weaver’s abuse and the horde’s evil by literally escaping the horde. u can see where both of them are coming from and that’s why it’s so sad :( it’s so fucking sad y’all :( they do their whole. come with me vs stay with me thing,,, and it doesn’t work out. duh it’s like ep 2 why would it work out. catra finds out that adora can use her lesbian sword to turn into a taller lesbian and instead of giving into her gayness and marrying adora right away her internalized homophobia makes her run away :( she thought adora doesn’t care about her anymore because she has new friends and can turn into a giant sword lady :( and it’s all very sad :( 8.5/10

razz: adora’s having trouble turning into she-ra. no one asked, but based on this whole show, it’s because she just broke up with catra and that hit hard :( it’s pretty hard to turn into ur superhero alter ego when you’re yearning. back at the horde, catra is also yearning. she is bitter because everyone is raving about how lit she-ra is and catra is like yeah she-ra is sexy but can we have a discussion about how she-ra breaks your heart. how she-ra makes you cry. how she-ra abandons you for new friends and doesn’t want to be your gf anymore? have we considered that? and everyone is confused because why does catra seem like she knows she-ra so well. didn’t you just meet her catra? and even tho catra is a bitter ex who’s angry and wants revenge she’s still like. in love with adora and wants to protect her. so she acts cool and doesn’t tell anyone that adora is she-ra. even tho lonnie tells catra not to be so feral because “adora’s not here to protect you anymore” catra still wants to protect adora. okay. yes the thought of that does make me wanna cry. what about it. catra goes and lies on their shared adora’s bed. and she sees the teeny drawing of catra and adora on the bed frame. it reminds catra of the break up and she scratches adora’s picture. she regrets it like instantly and starts destroying the bed. and she cries. she like cries real tears what the FUCK. and then SHADOW WEAVER WALKS IN?? rude much?? can’t a girl get some privacy as she mourns a break up with a girl she’s been in love with her whole life but technically never dated for real? 9/10

flowers for she-ra: adora realizes that it’s a pretty bad idea to break up with your girlfriend when you spent your whole life sleeping in the same room/same bed as her and she comes to the Very Shocking realization that she gasp! cannot sleep without catra! wow who would have thought! so she immediately goes on a search for a sleeping partner rebound... who is glimmer (sorry glimmer it’s her first time not having her gf) and she even sleeps at glimmer’s feet the way we saw catra sleep at adora’s feet. really makes you wonder if catra and adora take turns doing that? sleeping at each other’s feet because their internalized homophobia (thanks a lot shadow bitch) prevented them from going a step further and sleeping in each other’s arms... oh well. meanwhile, catra is gloating about being force captain, but she’s also Still protecting adora’s identity as she-ra. and apparently, drawing pictures of she-ra? that she hid from shadow weaver? is that what happened? i can’t tell if she drew that picture or not but the way it looks from the scene she Definitely drew that picture! hello????? anyway, catra’s still crying to anyone that has ears about how her gf dumped her, when really it was kind of a mutual break up that was entirely shadow weaver’s fault even tho she wasn’t there. sigh. i’m bringing this up to a 7/10 because of “it’s just a phase! she’s confused, i’ll bring her back, i swear :(“

the sea gate: “i’ve got something more important to do” and here we see the start of catra literally abandoning all other duties because she would rather go flirt with her enemy gf... she literally hopped onto she-ra’s sword.... she insult her gf....... she brag to her gf about achievement.... but she also want her gf back :( adora refuses to go back to the land of oppression tho so they get into a. really suggestive fight. and catra always makes adora leaving the horde out to be adora leaving her.... she’s like babe i am literally so sexy. why would you dump me :( i’m hot :( and she’s right but i hate them. can y’all just like. not be so gay? :/ it’s starting to make me a lil bit homophobic tbh! and catra whispers into adora’s ear but it’s kind of like an insult so she gets water slapped and is forced to stop flirting :( boooo 8.5/10

system failure: hm. catra wasn’t in this ep? damn :( it’s a great ep but it’s pretty hard to find any catradora if adora is delirious the whole time and catra isn’t there. but! drunk/high adora existing gives us an idea of what she would be like around catra. 1/10 for the potential

in the shadows of mystacor: catra’s face when she sees adora in shadow weaver’s spy cam thing... interesting. she also acts like she’s So Sick of the adora missions which is true but also she is lying. kind of annoying that shadow weaver would be like. homophobic. but when she’s messing with adora’s head in mystacor she uses catra’s voice and laugh to achieve maximum effect :/ which like. thanks? but catra wasn’t actually there so shadow weaver really full on gaybaited adora huh :/ adora eventually defeats shadow weaver and we finally see catra again uwu she ends up plotting to kidnap bow and glimmer but the line “if you want to take down adora, you have to go for the heart” is so interesting because we eventually find out just how much of adora’s heart is filled with catra... 4/10 on its own 6/10 if you let the heart comment ruin your life!

princess prom: ARE Y’ALL READY TO PARTY oh my god,,, this is it you guys. this is THE ep. so funny of adora to be like. i have so many plans for every single thing that might happen. i am GOING to spend the party getting princess frosta to join the rebellion. and then catra shows up and adora is like nvm. what if i followed catra wherever she went instead. which is very interesting! adora, sweet baby, why do you always assign yourself to fight/follow/chase catra? when according to her in future eps is actually a bad decision which we can infer from her saying stuff like catra knows my every move she will be able to take me down,, ok then stop hogging her all the time?? anyway. let’s get into things chronologically. “how dare those princesses pretend they’re better than you? just because you’re different? how dare they abandon people just because they don’t fit in with their perfect little lives? how DARE they take best friends and turn them into giant sword ladies who run off with people clearly inferior to you?!” catra.... u got sth to say there buddy? :/ u got something u wanna get off your chest? :/ u had us in the beginning but then you started to get really specific :/ what’s that about sweetie :/ catra’s coping mechanism for this is to put on a really hot suit and going to princess prom to seduce the shit outta adora? fucking genius. yes she also kidnapped two people but let’s focus on the ingenuity of catra’s plan to make adora hot and heavy and also somehow jealous the entire time. incredible. so, catra shows up at the prom with scorpia and adora immediately starts bickering with her about rules. she fails to get catra kicked out so she resolves to stalk her instead! and catra... oh catra... she puts on a whole show..... performing everything from popping a tiny cake into her mouth to circling around a pillar seductively and dropping a note into a bin that says hi adora >:3 with a drawing of catra’s face that she worked hard on!! and adora looks like a crazy stalker ex gf and everyone is like damn.... u ok? :/ but adora doesn’t have time to care too much aside from a little “haha i swear i’m not a weirdo!” look because her mind is just screaming CATRA CATRA CATRA and she finds catra creeping up to entrapta. but ofc catra’s not trying to push entrapta off the ledge! no! she’s using entrapta to make adora jealous :3 catra pulls entrapta close and says “she stole my food and then asked me to spy on people with her. is this what love feels like?” and it WORKS and adora has to pull entrapta aside and be all hey i know we’re not super close yet but the bro code kinda states that u don’t date ur friend’s ex :/ so could you please back off? and entrapta is like say what now? ur gf just ditched btw so adora goes running after catra again and surprise surprise! it’s time to dance! and there are romantic lights and music! and uh oh! everyone else has a partner except for catra! guess this means adora’s gotta dance with her ohhhhh noooooooo :/ “i don’t know about you.... but i am having a blast” i really don’t think catra was lying!! i am on the verge of passing out!! adora moving away from catra after saying “whatever it is you’re planning, it won’t work!” and catra, many dance partners later, slamming back into adora’s body to continue their conversation with “maybe my plan won’t work, but then again...” THE DIP!!!!!!! “maybe it already has...” oh my god you guys. what the fuck. like they get into an angry shove fight after this but the tension! the tension! and then adora LIFTS catra up in the air? real close? they get ice blocked by frosta after this, more specifically she traps adora because she shoved catra first djfjdjdjdjd,,, after telling glimmer to find bow catra grazes adora’s chin with her tail to remind her that she’s still here!! don’t neglect!! and catra says the iconic “it was fun distracting you though ;)” line that adora was clearly affected by because she memorizes it and says it back to catra..... years later. i CANNOT make any of this shit up. what the fuck y’all. the fact that these evaluations are so long bother me but i HAVE to call these hoes out!! moving on, adora runs after catra in a very dramatic chase/fight scene, and adora is very amped up on uh, hormones. she catches catra at a “dead end” and goes “hah! trapped >:)” which is such a stupid thing to say to ur cat gf who can jump very high, so catra says “you wish ;)” and it is just. everything they are saying sounds very suggestive okay why are they LIKE THIS anyway catra jumps up some floating ice and adora follows her up the floating ice because she’s gay and she will jump however much is required of her to chase her gf down ok!! and so adora and catra are now on some ice cliff where adora keeps lunging and they’re also kind of like dancing? and catra is being very ~smooth~ dodging all of adora’s strikes and hitting her in one move. that’s kind of cool but also don’t bully your gf :( come on catra :( not cool :( but adora doesn’t give up and they continue fighting, until one missed move from catra nearly sends her off the cliff. but adora thinks she’s hot and she’s in love with her so she’s like nooo catra don’t fall off this cliff ur so sexy aha and catches her by. the waist. not the hand! but by the waist. any normal person would’ve gone for the hand. factually speaking, catra’s hand is easier to reach than her waist. but adora’s a hoe. so, she grabs catra by the waist and pulls her in closer by grabbing! oh you guessed it! her chest! like she grabs her shirt but it’s the part of the shirt that was at the chest. what the fuck. they both get this look in their eye that makes it seem like they want to kiss each other???? hello????????? and like. very upsettingly we now know that they’ve always wanted to kiss each other so. that knowledge makes watching this scene even worse. they shouldn’t have become enemies if they were going to be this horny. they’re so distracted by each other’s lips that they forget they’re standing at the edge of a cliff and guess what! they fall off the cliff! what a twist! but adora is like i’m NOT going to die because i was distracted by catra’s lips, so she grabs her hair stick thing and stabs it into the ice cliff. she grabs catra by the hand to save her, not the waist this time, because holding catra’s hand is also gay so she might as well do it. too bad catra lets go of her hand and ditches her tho :( i would minus points for that except it wouldn’t make much of a difference. catra says “see you later, princess ;)” because she’s already expecting to see adora again.... good lord 4828473737373/10 thanks noelle! i died

no princess left behind: but i’m a buddhist so i’m back. we open with catra laughing so prettily looking at her gf’s lesbian sword. very cute. later on, when shadow weaver betrays catra and tells her to go pack her things because she’s not needed anymore... adora gives her this look? :( she looks like she feels bad because catra’s clearly still suffering under shadow weaver’s thumb. but let’s zero in on the most important part! catra dragging the sword and pointing it at adora, before turning it around and giving it to her. “this is NOT because i like you” ok catra i didn’t think that before but now i Absolutely believe that you did this because you like adora. and u can tell adora kind of is like. ready to start her whole “you can come with me! we can be together! :(“ thing but things are complicated and catra told her to Just Go so... it is a lot and we know things are deeper than just catra liking adora but we will get emo over that later. 9/10 that was a good fucking scene

the beacon: “she left me behind too, like i was nothing :(“ some people say this is catra manipulating entrapta, and they are correct, but also she’s like.. “oh adora left you too? mad kin :(“ she was deadass about to start a support group with entrapta and technically she kind of did! good for them <3 catra goes to look for first ones tech and adora goes to look for the beacon to learn how to heal and guess what happens! they’re looking for the same place! catra’s “on second thought... hey adora >;)” at the end pushes this up to an 8/10, but that’s just like the last five seconds of the ep so objectively the rest of the ep was like. 4/10 idk lmaoooo

promise: finally some good fucking food. catra follows adora into the beacon and has a little fun spying on her and enjoying her epic fails at getting information on she-ra. she also finds the first one tech she needs, because she’s a multitasker and she can spy on her gf while doing important missions <3 but also she gets caught and adora nearly kills her fksjdjd “hey watch it! >:(“ is so funny because catra??? u are trespassing???? but also uwu baby yeah don’t accidentally kill ur gf adora :( adora’s reaction is also very funny “catra? what are you doing here? :O” as if catra hasn’t shown up at 70% of the places adora has been, but the way she asks it’s like. adora is happy to see catra? pleasantly surprised? man she is whipped. anyway, adora tries to pull the Tough Girlfriend move and like, mildly scold catra for trespassing into a building where only one person (she-ra) is allowed to be in. but she still grabs catra’s hand and guides her to an escape path :’) she lifts up a giant door thing and waits until catra runs in to let go and run after her <3 chivalry isn’t dead after all <3 they get into a lover’s tiff as they run for their lives and essentially it’s like “babe wtf WHY are giant mutant spiders trying to kill us isn’t this ur house” “they’re trying to kill YOU this is why you ring the doorbell instead of running in secretly after i open the door!” “oh and how was i supposed to know that! why can’t you just tell your teenage mutant ninja spiders to chill out??” “they’re not house-trained babe :( i moved in two minutes ago they came with the apartment” anyway the angry spider monsters catch up to them so catra goes “adora? :(“ and that’s enough for adora to take Direct Action so she slashes the walls and ceiling of the room they’re in before grabbing catra to shield them both. she is NOT getting her deposit back but uwu anything to keep gf safe <3 adora transforms back to her usual body and she once again reminds catra that she’s Not Supposed To Be Here and she’s like “god now i have to like Protect You and it’s gonna put my life in danger :/ haha what are you gonna do for me in return tho ;)” and catra is like. “well good thing i didn’t ASK you to protect me” so adora is like :( —> >:( wait u know what??? ok u know what????? why are u here >:( how’d u find me?? >:( and do u mean any of this in a gay way?? >:( say it’s in a gay way right now >:( and catra is like. ur gay castle sent a gay beam of light into the sky. i saw it immediately bc im gay but i do NOT mean this in a gay way. and adora is like oh :( ok :’( and then asks about shadow weaver bc she saw what went down in the horde and she like. i think she can tell shadow weaver still exerts some form of control that catra hasn’t broken free from? :( and then catra is like haha shadow weaver is a LOSER and adora starts giving her Gay Looks and it makes catra scared because her gf now thinks she has a crush on her!!!!!!! how Embarrassing!! “ugh, i knew you’d be weird about me letting you escape” ok so why did you say that thing about not liking her? “i told you it’s not because i like you!” there it is! that’s EXACTLY what i thought you’d say you lesbian! and the way she says it??? she definitely likes adora???? she is so bad at lying?????? and adora is so smug about it like her Face plus her crossed arms and the whole “i mean, i didn’t ;) i didn’t say anything ;)” her eyes.... your honor she’s gay...... she’s like what if we were in my secret castle..... standing amongst the rubble because i destroyed the infrastructure to protect you..... and we were both girls....... adora was Ready to turn her sword into a Bed right then and there ok!!! it’s not me it’s Her Eyes,,, anyway catra starts being salty again and brings up bow and glimmer and is like hey where’s those idiots u dumped me for :/ thought you looooooved hanging out with them and doing everything with them :/ like we used to :/ are they not as fun to hang out with adora is that why you’re standing in this spider infested building with me instead :/ and adora suddenly remembers that she can’t just be horny and that she has to hold catra accountable for her actions so she’s like oh my friends? the ones who u kidnapped and held for ransom???? >:( and catra is like ya what other friends would i be talking about :/ like god i know she’s evil but she’s so funny take her back adora :( jk ik ur gonna start begging her to Come With You in like minutes u absolute simp. but before that happened catra was like fuck u lets Split Up >:( we already broke up why would we run away from spiders together huh? unless u still like me? but clearly there’s only one way for them to walk so they can’t split up just yet and adora gives catra this >:( look so catra is like FINE one last date and they walk away together. they go into this... dark room and catra wants to leave the dark room because she’s scared of ghosts :( jk but the door disappears and something scans catra and adora and light hope is like cool! time to show them memories that are specifically picked to make catra resent adora! which :( not cool light hope :( i get that ur a bot who’s programmed to serve the homophobic agenda but damn u were gay once too :( anyway they’re sent to a memory in the fright zone and adora gets Angry bc she thinks catra tricked her and catra is like i wouldn’t play u like that :( and she finds out it’s all fake so she’s like adora :D u don’t have to be scared or mad at me anymore! :D she goes to look for adora but adora’s watching a memory of them when they were six and being really cute. back when adora had the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair and only really cared about making catra happy and having her back. catra blinded octavia and insulted her and adora was still like: ur not bleeding ur bones aren’t broken and u picked a pointless fight with someone who did not provoke you in any way. where is she i will insult her some more. i love u. like damn adora really do be a ride or die girl huh!! she’s still like this but they both have too many issues to realize it :( anyway catra and adora slip into the catra and adora of their memories and begin running off together holding hands............ and then they Realize they’re running off together Holding Hands....... and catra pulls away because of her internalized homophobia :( devastating. they get into a tiny little fight over magic and kidnapping again and then adora’s face softens and she’s like catra :( why Did you let me escape :( i know i made fun of u for it before but i legit do not know if u meant it in a gay way. pls confirm? :( u could have gotten caught catra :( why did u risk it :( is it because you secretly want to run away with me and join the rebellion? :( and be my gf? :( she’s so caught up in her questions that she nearly falls off a cliff AGAIN and catra catches her by the hand because these girls are obsessed with almost falling off cliffs to their deaths and saving each other. don’t judge them their Intricate Rituals are THAT deep. and catra is like. did you really think. i would let shadow weaver erase your memory like that? and risk you forgetting our relationship? even towards the end when we were broken up and fighting each other it was kinda lit and i want u to remember it. and adora is an idiot so she’s like idk lmao probably aren’t u like evil now and catra is like well you have a point but also fuck u for thinking i don’t care about u,,, u never did have too much faith in me :( and adora is like can u blame me :( and catra is like ur hot so.... no. i will let my tail linger on your hand as a hint that i still love you. and then catra is like.... adora i know u said fuck horde rights but does that include our relationship :( u had good memories right :( of me? :( and adora is like um duh??? i miss you so goddamn much too oh my god and catra is like hey how dare you imply that i missed you even tho it’s true!!! get over urself! and adora is like not until you admit you like me ;) and they play fight again because the rituals are so intricate..... and catra lies and says she doesn’t like adora ok lmao... they enter the next memory and it’s catra and adora sparring and they’re competitive but it’s also flirty? catra pretends to be hurt to get adora to let her guard down but lonnie interferes and this causes adora to beat catra. which. yeah :( and after adora wins she does the good gf thing where she asks catra if she’s okay and catra’s not ok but she lies and hides away to cry :( and we get it babe we do!! it’s hard being in love with someone who you’re also resentful of because you’re raised in a competitive environment and always treated like you’re worthless in comparison :( but the simulation stops and catra is caught by one of the spiders and adora doesn’t manage to save her in time, grabbing her hand only to fail and have catra slip through her fingers :( they scream for each other but catra manages to get the upper hand on the spider monster, except adora charges in at the last second and delivers the final blow, further driving home the false point that light hope is trying to make :( adora just wants to protect catra but because of their upbringing catra sees it as adora always wanting to be the best and adora thinking she’s better than catra hence her telling catra what to do “all the time” which isn’t totally true but it’s what catra has been led to believe :( and also adora’s upbringing plays into it too because she thinks she has to save everyone and take responsibility for everything and it’s all just really sad bros :( what the fuck :( adora apologizes for leaving again and tries to convince catra she never meant to leave her and that she wants catra to come with her because she knows catra isn’t a bad person :( and you can see!! catra considering it!! but then precisely BECAUSE catra is considering it the memory simulation thing kicks in again and... hoo boy. we see catra and adora sneak into the black garnet chamber, after being cute and competitive and running around the horde swinging from wire to wire.... they get caught by shadow weaver and she specifically punishes only catra. and it’s so fucked because it puts adora in this position of guilt where she always feels like she has to protect adora whilst slowly brainwashing her over the years into believing that catra does do disobedient things and that adora can only escape that if she’s always perfect and taking charge of everything. and for catra.... it takes the mutually loving relationship they have and poisons it because shadow weaver makes it very clear that to her, catra’s only redeeming quality is that adora favors her? and if not for that she would be disposed of? and so it’s very hard for catra to find individuality and a healthy connection to adora which created unresolved resentment and issues and just... :( and the whole confrontation they have after the simulation ends... adora could never protect catra in the way she needed to be protected because adora was also a child, and receiving a different form of abuse, and it’s just. harder for catra to leave? especially because she didn’t receive a sudden destiny the way adora did and her issues with the horde were never limited to morality. and so catra is just. she has way too much to work through and she can’t see past her resentment for adora because the machine is making her remember all of it. and so she tells a half truth and half lie to adora about giving her the sword because she didn’t want adora to come back :( catra runs away from adora and is attacked by flashes of memory. and then she faces one last memory alone. and it’s the promise adora made to catra when they were kids, about always looking out for each other, and catra looks at kid!catra and thinks adora has broken that promise, still stinging from the hurt of adora leaving her behind after finding the sword and becoming she-ra. it was never meant to be like this but catra is hurting so she focuses only on her side of things and how she saw these events play out and she :( decides to kind of betray adora? it hurts So Much because adora looks so hopeful when she sees catra while hanging on for dear life, and she thinks catra will save her again but catra talks about how the sword won’t work for her because she’s never been the Special One like adora was always heralded to be in the horde. and having adora literally be she-ra just drives that point home for catra and she hates adora for it because this means all the other stuff she believes is true too. adora made her feel weak on purpose, adora made catra think she needed her on purpose. “every hero needs a sidekick, right?” and adora’s “catra, no, that’s not how it was!” hits even harder now because we know that adora just. loved catra. she was in love with her but adora was also like catra in that she’s a product of her circumstances and upbringing. she was the way she is as a means of survival. but the one thing there that was pure and true was that they loved each other.... upsettingly neither of them can see that. catra goes down even further into the path of evil and thinks that. being free of adora. is the thing that will liberate her and bring her happiness. which. she is wrong about. but she can’t exactly see all that clearly right now :( and adora begging catra not to “do this” which... means she’s begging her not to leave? “bye adora! i really am going to miss you” and adora’s desperation skyrockets but it’s too late :( catra doesn’t come back for her and adora cries.... and it’s just so insane that literally everyone who wants to control adora focuses on poisoning her bond with catra because that’s the relationship that... matters most to her in the world. when you’ve loved someone your whole life it hurts when they betray you and it hurts to betray them too, as we can see from catra when she arrives back at the horde. she essentially looks Wrecked and freezes up when scorpia calls her “the best friend ever!” but i want to make one quick note of her “personal space” talk with scorpia? like fjdjdjdjd you have never had personal space with adora not once in your life ok that’s reserved for the gf only i see. 10/10 i am so wrecked emotionally this is way too much but also because it makes me so emo i will give it a perfect score but nothing else. no bonus points because i do not want to reward putting me in pain!

light hope: light hope showing adora the memories that make her feel guilty and it’s the first scene where catra sees her as she-ra and walks away.... adora’s been feeling guilty over catra since the moment she failed at getting catra to leave the horde :( 3/10

the battle of bright moon: “catra will be leading the horde when they attack. i have to face her.” it’s so interesting how there’s so many pressing things at hand? the weather is screwy, the alliance is broken, no one’s coming to save them, the rebellion could be crushed, but the thing that is really bothering adora, the thing that she brings up first, is catra. “i saw catra in there. i thought i could get through to her, but all i did was push her farther to the side of evil” she sounds... so heartbroken about it all :( catra and adora meet on the battlefield and the first thing catra says is,,, u guessed it,,,, “hey adora.” and adora’s like “catra. surprised to see me?” and like damn they’re really so good at being enemies. the talent. the tension. impeccable. and then catra says nah i didn’t think u died and im glad u made it out alive. and adora, bless her soul, is like oh.... u mean in a gay way..... u didn’t want me to die..... for homosexual reasons?? and catra is like no! haha! i uh, i just wanted to kill u in a cooler much sexier way. and adora is like oh :( oh >:( oh >:’( and they get into a very heated sexy fight like catra wanted. and they taunt each other like. “i thOUgHt yOU weRe suPposED tO bE stRoNG” “aND i tHouGHt yOu wERe sUpPOsEd tO bE fAst” you know. very cool well crafted taunts. and like. they fight a lot which is kind of sad but also kind of sexy because their styles are like? similar and different? which is the dumbest way to compare any two things ever but like :( y’all get what i mean right :( we get one more Hanging Off A Cliff scene and this time adora grabs catra by the chest and shoves her against the wall, and catra is like cool! but u did this,, for what? and then adora realizes catra was just distracting her Again and bright moon is very badly under attack :( catra bids her adieu so adora can run back and fight. but she like. gets caught :( and catra walks up to her and gently caresses her cheek before adora passes out and it’s evil but it’s also tender? but it’s also evil i know i know :( all of the princesses come to help adora so she sends a beam of magic gay light and heals everything and then all the princesses send a gay tsunami washing over catra. the horde loses, and catra retreats in a skiff, but adora and catra exchange one more Look as she leaves... hm. 9/10

[el-oh-her]

Barbie Movies That Are More Relevant Than You Think

1. Barbie’s Princess and the Pauper 

> The Big Thing: Shows a realistic representation of 1st world problems and 3rd world Problems coexisting. Annalise is a princess in an arranged marraige and Erika is an indentured servent, both looking to esacpe, but are determined to overcome these issues. They acknowledge that they have differerent problems but are both struggling in their own right. It’s important to know that they don’t wish they were someone else, they just wish they could escape their personal struggles. 

> Women supporting women! 

> Female Leads that are friends and aren’t catty towards each other 

> Annalise and Erika talk about things other than boys, althrough an arranged marraige is a plot point and all boy talk is really about that particular plot point. 

> “Duty is doing the things your heart may well regret” is the most badass line in exsitance, okay? 

> The Princess loved science. 

2. Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princessess 

> The Big Thing: This story is about extremism and the dangers of a binary system. In this case, it’s Law vs Chaos, and unregulated freedom of expression vs overregulated conformity. The 12 are unruly and chaotic and uncaring about their royal status which causes strain on the kingdom and they are super unprepared for royal life. The antagonist comes in, strips the color and the fun and is all rules and control and is trying to teach them how to be “proper ladies” which is also done in an extreme. Neither of these are right, and in the end the girls use their unique interests to save their father, and they acknowledge they should behave better and be prepared for royal life. They essentially find their middle way. 

> Realistic siblings. No one calls the other “sister” 

> Lacy, the frail sister, is never treated poorly by her sisters despite the fact she causes a few issues in the plot. Super supportive sisters. 

> LI isn’t a prince. He’s a shoemaker. 

> There’s an assassination attempt in this one! It technically succeeds. Really good show on adult topics in a children’s movie. 

> Power and Corruption are thematic here with the villain. 

3. Barbie’s Mariposa

> The Big Thing: This one is about destorying an entire society for personal gain and power. If you’re American, you’d understand why THIS is super relevant. The queen is bring poisoned and is the life source for all the lights, and those lights are what protect faeries from the monsters in the dark. The Big Bad Guy plans to take the throne with these monsters as her minions, promising them they can eat faeries. She will destory this land to gain the throne, and she doesn’t care who dies along the way. 

> Has a Cinderella vibe to it. Good rendition 

> Two First World Entittled rich faries are humbled through the journey, and learn to be king and selfless despite starting with selfish intentions. GROWTH. 

> Skeezite is a funny word. 

> ACCENTS. I think they’re all Spanish, but can’t confirm. The only Barbie movie that didn’t do British Accents, I’m pretty sure. Vocal Diversity is 10/10 

4. Barbie Fairytopia Series 

> The Big Thing: DISABILITY IN A FANTASY WORLD DONE WELL. Like holy shit the plot is the Big Bad is commiting bio-terrorism by poisoning the air that affects all faeries except for Elina because she was born without wings. DISABILITY BECOMING THE ONLY THING THAT CAN SAVE YOU. YES. She does  get wings at the end, but I always saw it as a prostetic because if she lost her necklace she lost her wings. And in a later movie she has to trade them away to save someone. 

> Bibble is valid 

> This series does the “girl who doesn’t fit in” trope well because Elina is constantly seen as the girl who doesn’t fit in. In the first movie she’s the girl without wings, in the second she’s the faerie, not a mermaid (Nori gets mean towards her because the mermaid prince wanted a fairy to save him or someting like that), and in the last one, I’m pretty sure she’s sort of regarded as the charity case. I can’t remember exactly, so don’t quote me. Either way, Elina is the most relateable Barbie character for people who struggle fitting in wherever they go because Elina never fits in at first (but it’s a barbie movie, so you know, acceptance and stuff) 

> This marks the third movie on this list with an assassination attempt for power. Power #Corrupts 

> Good overcoming narrative. Elina survives all her trials towards being accepted in society. 

5. Barbie as the Island Princess

> The Big Thing: This one is tricky because Barbie is a white character, and that is a valid critique for this one. However, the topic is handled well despite this fault due to the movie’s context. This one is about a status quo society and their treatment towards a different “Cultural” upbringing. Ro grew up on an island alone outside of society and talks to animals. She has an entire different set of values and beliefs. Her curiosity sets her off into a populated civilzation and a big part of the movie is the Prince Character making genuine efforts to help her adapt and make her comfortable for what she is used to, and the rest of the society relegating her to a barbarian. She struggles trying to fit in to a society that wants her to adapt to their society, but refuses to make any adaptions to hers. Her not being from there is eventually what saves the day, which is a healthy message that differnet people learn the world differnetly, and these cultures can meet and interact and help each other without forcing one to obliterate itself. Ro doesn’t stay in that society. She goes off sailing with the prince character, a happy medium from her island roots and desire to be around other people. 

> ANOTHER assassination attempt. 

> Big Bad has a daughter she’s trying to marry to the Prince, but the daughter doesn’t love him and is happy that he finds love. she and Ro are friends. 10/10 Women supporting women. 

> Ro’s cultural roots are celebrated a lot. It’s nice! 

> Prince never puts Ro in a corner to change, from what I remember. He guides her through what she’s willing to do, and helps accomidate her with that makes her uncomfortable (sleeps in the greenhouse,for example). 10/10 m8

6. Barbie and the Diamond Castle

> The Big Thing: The catalyst of this movie is Liana and Alexa’s lively hood being destoryed by a storm, and now homeless and jobless, they end up questing with a magic mirror to save Melody and the other trapped Muses. Alexa is hesitant and even gives up to stay in a Lotus Casino type place because there’s food and shelter there. There’s a heavy value on having enough to eat, and having a place to live. Displacement and poverty, I guess is the right word for this. 

> Okay so I heard around that Alexa and Liana are queer coded based on their dress colors in the final scene matching the Lesbian and Bisexual Flag and I stan that because honestly, Barbie need some gay. 

> The Will Sing For Food scene hits differently than any other scene in Barbie Movies. It’s just such a real thing. 

7. Barbie and the Three Musketeers 

> The Big Thing: Sexsim. This one is very on the nose of “women can’t do this.” and then Barbie adn Co proves them wrong!! 

> I am pretty sure there are SEVERAL assasination attempts in this one. 

> “Release the Fireworks!!” is carved into my mind. 

> The Master Trainer is an old lady maid. Cool trope subversion. 

Honestly, people who cry about adult themes in their kids movies need to watch these movies. Did you notice how many ASSASSINATIONS happen in these movies? SO MUCH ASSASSINATION. 

These movies are deeper and more complex than given credit for. I can admit that Barbie’s early movies didn’t do great with racial representation, but we can also praise them for accomplishing their aim of empowering young girls as much as they did. 

I can’t say much for mordern Barbie since that’s not my era. Perhaps someone else can comment about that better than I can. 

TL;DR: Barbie movies deal with adult themes in a child friendly setting and they are well done and you should go watch them and see how much deeper and complex these movies can be. 

A Barbie Movie I DO NOT STAN: Princess and the Pop Star. That movie is “Two whiny girls hate their privlaged life and wish they were someone else’s privlaged life and I guess help the poor” It’s not good. You can enjoy the bops it produced, but that movie is INSANELY Problomatic. 

[asmileyoucouldbottle]

Pink in the Night- Catradora

Word Count: 4491

Catradora high school AU. Best friends to lovers. Adora is the ever oblivious captain of the school's football team, The Horde, and Catra is just a gay panic crushing mess who's in love with her best friend.

***

“Hey Adora.”

Adora spun around, her hand still on the towel she’d just slung around her neck.

“Catra!” She beamed, and Catra felt a little stir in her chest. Adora was decked in her football attire, exposed arms accentuating her muscle definition. Refusing to get caught staring, Catra twisted her lips into a smirk, shifting her gaze up to Adora’s eyes as a blush began to blossom.

“How was practice?” She asked, shifting her weight and placing one hand on her hip. A defensive pose. Though the only enemy is my traitorous heart. Catra thought with poetic annoyance.

“Great! Though I might have a little bruise forming from a ball Lonnie didn’t aim too well, but it’ll be fine.”

“Let me see.” Catra stepped forward, and Adora brushed her off.

“I’ll get some ice if it swells anymore.” She promised, and Catra rolled her eyes.

“Any more? ” She repeated dryly, eyes roving for a raised spot.

“Catra I swear I’m fine!” Adora’s words were exasperated, but her eyes were fond when she met her friend’s gaze. Catra felt herself begin to soften as well, and an unbidden smile rising.

A heartsick pang only Catra could feel ruptured the peace, and she leaned back against the locker beside her, faking relaxation. “If you say so.” She lifted one corner of her mouth to prove she wasn’t actually mad, and Adora moved to take off her jersey.

Catra whipped out her phone to give her somewhere else to look, but she couldn’t help but peer over the edge as Adora stripped down to her sports bra and threw on a tshirt with the lettering “Etherian Horde.” The cheesy design wasn’t flattering on anyone, so why couldn’t Catra tear her eyes away?

Face practically on fire, Catra ducked her head, hoping to at least somewhat hide her cheeks.

Catra cursed Adora for having this effect on her, scrolling aimlessly through her instagram with her thoughts only on the girl in front of her. The stupid blonde with stupid mucles and a stupid adorable smile.

Actually, Catra had to admit that her own hormones were probably partially at fault too. They were also stupid.  

“Ready to go?” Adora called her attention, helmet under one arm and gym bag in the other hand. Catra shrugged her own backpack, and reached forward to grab the water bottle from the blonde’s hands. Their fingers bumped, and Catra jerked back like shocked. After her mini gay panic attack at the lockers, physical contact was not optimal for recovery. And she was nothing if not dramatic.

“Catra? Are you okay?”

Fuck fuck fuck fuck- “Yeah of course I am, I just uh… muscle spasm.”

Adora gave her a funny look, and Catra shoved her shoulder. “Oh cut it out.” She scowled, and Adora burst out laughing.

“Muscle spasm?” She repeated in between giggles, and Catra felt her ears heating as she forced down a small giggle of her own with a frown.

“Yes! Now stop that.” Her voice bordered on whining, but Adora was merely set off again.

Groaning, Catra slid a hand down her face, peering at Adora through the space between her fingers. The slightly annoyed girl cleared her throat, and Adora gathered herself.

“If you’ve finished,” Catra started with emphasis, “want to go get a shake or something? I just got my paycheck yesterday, so I have money for the first time in two weeks.” Despite the fact that she hadn’t had spending money in two weeks, Catra didn’t regret anything. She had spent her last paycheck getting them both matching rune tattoos that read “Promise.”

To Adora it was probably some sweet nod to their promise of friendship as kids, but Catra held the vow close to her chest with an iron grip. Maybe she’d never be able to have this girl the way she dreamt of, but the word reassured her that Adora still wanted her… even if it wasn’t the same way that Catra wanted her .

No one except an obsessive linguistics nerd would be able to tell what they said, so Catra was safe from rumors as well. It was bad enough she’d had to survive them all throughout middle school, after one time a kid saw them holding hands. It hadn’t, and didn’t, stop Adora and Catra from holding each other close whenever they needed the other. With or without a crowd.

Even so, that was middle school. Middle schoolers were nasty little toes and always looking for someone to throw under the bus. Most of the highschool students were mature enough not to care, and if they were homophobic pricks, they knew not to mess with Adora. Not because she was threatening, rather, she was liked by everyone. But as the best athlete in this school, between both the boy’s and girl’s team, she practically had celebrity status.

That said, she also did have very big muscles.

Before she would do something stupid like loose all sense and stare at said muscles, Catra turned and stalked out the door, combat boots smacking the wooden floor. “Come on!” She called, and Adora hurried after her. It only took a moment for the blonde’s track shoes to line up with Catra’s own footsteps, so they were walking in sync. A smile came to Catra’s lips as she recalled memories of skipping together down the sidewalks, arm around each other’s shoulders while they struggled to match each jump exactly to the other’s.

As if on queue, Adora brought her arm to rest on Catra’s shoulder. The brunette scowled, as she did whenever Adora flexed the inches she had on Catra. Instead of shrugging it off, she saw her opportunity and jabbed her elbow, half playfully, into Adora’s side instead. Caught off guard, Adora yelped and stumbled before tripping and going heads over heels over a bench.

Catra peeped over to see her sprawled on the ground, head having landed on her backpack and feet sticking up in the air. Adora glared at her, disheveled but eyes bright. Laughing freely, Catra had to lean on the bench to support herself.

“Don’t just stand there, help me up!” Adora reached her hand up, a lock of hair hanging in front of her eyes that escaped her ponytail.

“Just give me a minute.” The sight of her messy hair unreasonably set her off again, and Catra held up a hand as she continued struggling to catch her breath.

Through her laughter, Catra hadn’t noticed the sound of footsteps before they were too late.

“Adora, what on Earth are you doing down there?”

“Shadow Weaver!” Adora sputtered and attempted to straighten, instead managing to hit her head again on the locker. “I was just uh, I tripped.”  Catra muffled another laugh with a cough.

“You tripped.” The coach repeated, disdain filling her voice as she looked over at Catra. Despite herself, Catra felt herself stand a bit taller. Eyes narrowing, she continued, “I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself just as the season is starting to peak.”

It was clear Shadow Weaver knew Catra was to blame, and also that she had no sense of jest. That, plus Catra had the strange sense that Shadow Weaver just hated her. She suspected it had something to do with the lesbian flag in her locker.

“Of course not!” Adora’s breathy response drew both of their gazes to her, and Catra took pity, snorting again. Extending a hand, she ignored her jumping heartbeat and clasped the blonde’s grip in hers. She had a nice view of Adora flexing her arm to pull herself up, and despite struggling with the physical contact, Catra couldn’t complain.

Shadow Weaver glowered at Catra as if she could read her thoughts. It was all she could do not to stick her tongue out at the Head Coach.

“We’re going to be on our way.” Not relinquishing her hold on Adora’s hand, Catra pulled the football player behind her and away.

“Bye Shadow Weaver!” Adora managed to call before Catra made a sharp turn out of her sight.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Adora hissed, “Catra, what was that all about?”

“She was rubbing me the wrong way.” Catra huffed, continuing to march on.

“You were rubbed the wrong way? I was literally on my back the entire conversation!” Adora exclaimed, and Catra cackled.

“Oh how I wish I got a picture.” She paused to laugh, “and then when Shadow Weaver came and I didn’t help you up you should have seen your face. It was all like “ah no! Betrayal. ” Catra lifted her free hand up and dramatically twisted her face.

Adora sighed, her face melting from annoyance to a bemused smile at Catra’s reenactment. Her curved lips kicked off something in Catra’s chest, and she thought she would do anything to keep Adora smiling.

This time Adora tugged her hand as she continued her walk, and Catra looked down at their pressed palms with slight shock. She’d forgotten about taking Adora’s hand, they had fit together so naturally. Now it came rushing back, and she was frozen with not knowing if she should tear it away or let it be.

Settling for not doing anything and letting Adora take the lead, Catra knew she looked like an overenthusiastic kindergartener had taken a red stamp to her face. That is to say, a red flustered mess.  

Taking an extra large step, Catra came up along Adora’s side. Adora fished around in her pocket for a moment, before retrieving her phone. Before Catra realized what she was doing, Adora had angled the camera at their joined hands and snapped a picture.

Ripping her hand away, Catra jumped back, cheeks burning. “What are you doing?!” She spat, and Adora looked at her with slight reproach, though if Catra wasn’t mistaking, she looked a bit flustered herself.

“I was trying to take a picture of our tattoos!” She stuttered out. Catra felt a pang of guilt. I must’ve freaked her out. Again.

“Well we don’t need to be holding hands to do it.” She grumbled, secretly wondering how she could get that picture. Hand feeling cold suddenly, she shoved them both in her pocket with a glower at the traitorous limb.

Catra looked up at Adora, an awkward silence stretching. Adora’s ears were pink as she looked at her phone, and Catra tapped her shoulder.“Sorry, I just…” There were a million ways to finish the sentence, but none that wouldn’t make this any more awkward. Opting to leave it open ended, Catra didn’t finish, instead stepping forward to push open the door with her shoulder.

“Ummm… did I tell you about how Kyle let the frogs loose in the science lab yesterday?”

The momentary tension dissipated as Catra continued her story, animated with grand gestures and facial expressions. She warmed as Adora laughed, the late afternoon sun making her face glow.

***

Catra kicked open the door of Mystacor Cafe, and made her way to their typical table in the window.

“Adora,” Catra turned her head, and frowned when her blonde wasn’t beside her.

“Adora?” She turned completely around, and wasn’t entirely surprised to see the athlete exchanging high fives and greetings with groups at other tables as she passed.

Glimmer waved in her direction. “Adora! I saw the pictures you sent me, I take it Operation Get the Cat-” Her face went stricken when she caught Catra’s eye, and the rest of the sentence was finished also as a mumble, “is going well.”

Completely confused, Catra looked over to see Adora glaring at Glimmer, cheeks flaming red. She was refusing to look back at Catra.

Operation get the Cat?

Adora still wouldn’t look at her, and went back to talking to the cheerleaders, who were beginning to look a little too flirty for comfort. Trying to shake off any tangles of jealousy, Catra sighed, dropping her bag as she slid into her chair. Propping her feet up on the table, she considered the rips in her jeans, deciding that they would look even better with another a little further up her thigh.

Tilting her head, Catra studied Adora. She would look good with a few rips in the sleeves of her jacket… just to spice things up.

“Hey, Brain-Damaged!” Adora turned her head, and Catra burst out in laughter, almost falling out of her chair.

“Did you actually  just respond to ‘brain-damaged?” Catra wheezed. The group of cheerleaders who Adora had been talking with looked over at her with curiosity, and Adora crossed her arms, pink tinging her cheeks. “Well, you were talking to me weren’t you?”

“Yes, but still. ” Catra hopped up onto the table as Adora rolled her eyes. “It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve called me that.” She grumbled, and the brunette smirked.

“I think it suits you.” She announced, her voice taking on a teasing lilt. Adora seemed to be seriously considering marching over and pushing her off the table. Both to aggravate her further, and make sure Adora couldn’t literally shove her over, Catra stretched out so she was lying on her stomach. Head propped in her elbows and feet kicking, she concluded “along with idiot” with a wink.

“HEY CATRA!”

Catra started, making a noise akin to a hiss.

“GET OFF THE TABLES!” Glimmer called from behind the counter, where she was working.

“Oh, can it Sparkles!” Hopping off the table, Catra turned to acknowledge her friend with a stuck out tongue. She returned it before turning back to the coffee machine.

“Are you done tormenting Glimmer?” Adora sat down across from her, and Catra looked up at her. Bits of hair were falling out of her ponytail and sticking to her forehead, and there were a halo of flyaways. It looked damnably attractive.

“I wasn’t tormenting her.” Catra emphasized. “Actually, I was trying to bother you. She just had to spoil my fun.”

“I think she was more concerned about doing her job than ‘spoiling your fun.’”

“Whatever. By the way, I was thinking about customizing your sports jacket…”

Adora gave her a wary look, ““What exactly did you have in mind?”  In response, Catra held up her long black painted nails with a wicked grin.

“Absolutely not.”

“ Ughh fine, you’re so boring.” She squinted, tilting her head. “It would look good with two little rips on each arm…” Leaning forward suddenly, she was about to slice, but Adora grabbed her wrist.

“ Catra.”  Adora looked down at her sternly. “We are not ripping up my team jacket.”

Catra held her gaze defiantly for a few moments, and there was a shift in the air between them. She couldn’t say what it was, but suddenly she wasn’t looking at Adora’s eyes, but rather…  in them. Her heart fluttered and her wrist went weak. The moment stretched, and they were only inches apart…

Adora blinked, and the spell was broken. She dropped Catra’s wrist in a rush, her eyes darting away as color bloomed across her cheeks. Catra felt her mouth fall open slightly in shock, though she didn’t know if it was belated shock from the moment or the fact that it had ended. Blood rushed to her cheeks as sat back, still in temporary mental paralysis.

Adora had just looked into her eyes, and then blushed.

But… she had also pulled away.

The mixed signals made Catra want to scream, but was there a possibility?

Adora stood up suddenly and gestured with her arm, turning her face away. “Come on, let’s go order.”

They went to the counter, ordering their usual milkshakes, chocolate for Catra and strawberry for Adora. Mere seconds after they’d sat down, Catra reached over and snatched Adora’s shake, holding it out of her reach as she “taste tested.”

Catra held it up and behind her head, leaning as far back as she dared while Adora reached over the table. “You- you pest!” Adora shrieked, and Catra laughed two times harder.

“ Pest?” She repeated, teasingly mocking. “Who says pest?!”

“Glimmer said it yesterday.” Adora huffed, continuing to reach.

“Actually, that is a very Glimmer thing to say, but not something I’d expect you to repeat.”

In a last ditch effort, Adora jumped out of her seat and lunged. Catra’s chair tipped back, and suddenly she was falling as the blonde reached forward to try and stop it.

It was like slow motion. Adora, moving in an attempt to stop Catra from tipped completely backward, stepped forward and onto a forgotten gatorade. The bottle rolled and her foot slipped out from under her, and then she was going down as well. Falling forward towards Catra while she backwards, Adora threw out her arms to stop herself from face planting into the other girl. Catra landed on her back with a shock, but whatever breath was left in her body left her lungs when she opened her eyes to see Adora’s face millimeters from her own.

A deep blush spread across Adora’s face, starting at her nose and working its way until the entirety of her cheeks and forehead were reminiscent of a cherry.

Neither of them made a move, and Catra’s heartbeat was beating so erratically she was certain she was seconds from a heart attack.

That would be a fun gravestone. “Cause of death: Gay panic induced heart failure.”

Her eyes traced Adora’s eyelashes, dark and full despite her blonde hair. The grey-blue of her eyes locked into hers, and Catra inhaled sharply.

Was there a heterosexual explanation for the way she was looking at her?

Blood rushing through her head, Catra froze as Adora’s face moved minimally closer to hers, lips tingling with anticipation, and thoughts whirring into white noise-

“Hey! Catra, Adora!”

Like a shaken soda pop, Catra jolted backwards, and Adora stood up so fast it seemed impossible. Breathing heavily, Catra tried to make up for the lack of oxygen intake from the last, what- minute? Five minutes? Ten? How long had Adora been there, face in front of hers, inching closer….

“Uh…. sorry.” Adora gave her a hand, and Catra pulled herself up. They were inches away again, and the brunette took a jittery step back. Her hand tingled from the contact, and she shoved them in her pockets, unable to look Adora in the eye.

Bow was looking between them, an unreadable look on his face.

“We fell.” Adora explained, breathless. Catra sneaked a look at her, and saw the pink was refusing to fade.

The possibility that Adora could ever like her back seemed so absurd mere week ago, even an hour, but now… Catra didn’t know.

Ridiculous.

But… was it?

Overwhelmed with thoughts and shaky nerves, she crouched to pick up the strawberry smoothie. It’s contents were all over the floor, and Catra was about to stand up again to get napkins when Adora crouched down.

“I’ve got it.” She started to clean up, paper napkins in hand. Their shoulders were touching, the blonde’s ponytail brushing her cheek.

“Uh, thanks.” Adora turned to Catra, and once again their faces were far too close.

Knees weak, Catra stood up and stumbled into her seat. Bow had turned it upright, and he was now leaning against the table.

“Sooooo…” He looked at her again, one eyebrow raised. Catra gave him a glare, and he raised his hands.

“So.” Adora plopped in her chair, her cheeks still stained slightly pink. Catra thought of the pink contents of the strawberry milkshake spilled on the floor, and Adora’s eyes meeting her own…

It was all too much to take in.

“I just remembered I have… uh… extra, er, calc homework. But I will catch up with you later!” Not even waiting to see their reactions, Catra slung her backpack over her shoulder and tried not to run out the door.

***

Scaling the tree alongside the house with ease, Catra came level with the second floor window and knocked.

She didn’t even have to wait a full two seconds before the curtain was pushed aside. Adora was wearing a black tank top and sweatpants, her hair up in it’s classic ponytail, though it was messy, as if she hadn’t bothered to redo it since this morning. Catra tried to ignore how the tips of her ears felt slightly warmer.

The window opened with barely any complaint, and Adora poked her head out. “What’s up?”

“I’m heading up to the roof if you want to join me.” Catra let go of the branch with one hand, so she was leaning out precariously.

“Show-off.” Adora mumbled, and Catra winked. The blond’s gaze immediately flicked away, and Catra felt a little jump in her chest. Adora turned to grab a blanket before starting to crawl out of the window with some difficulty, despite having done this regularly since they were kids. Catra leapt up the branches until the top of the house, where she transferred to the roof with ease. Adora came in her own time, and settled beside the brunette, shoulders touching as their legs dangled over the edge. The sun had just set, and a hazy dusk was settling over the town as they looked out.

They didn’t speak for a while, just sat with each other. For years they’d been doing this, and they had gotten to the point where silence spoke just as much as words.

But now, the silence was charged, and Catra’s mind was full. Full of Adora. The girl beside her, who had always been beside her. She who had bangaded scraped knees, laughed off mean spirited teasing, taught her how to ride a bike, sat with her when no one else would… all the way up until their relationship now. The person who was always there for her, whether it was to do something small like make fun of Shadow Weaver’s pretentious dresses, or provide a place to stay when her parent’s fighting got too loud.

Fueled by these emotions, Catra moved her hand to settle on top of Adora’s.

Adora started. Catra kept her hand there, frozen as she waited for Adora to make a move, waiting for rejection. Though the action itself was miniscule, Catra could feel how everything shifted.

Her hesitation was brief, but the time it took almost killed Catra. Instead of moving away, she flipped her own hand palm up and intertwined their fingers.

She felt a flutter as her breath caught. Feeling almost above her body, Catra turned to look at Adora. A moment later, the blonde turned her face as well.

The space between them was practically nothing, and the rest of the twilight fell away as she caught Adora’s eyes. There was something there, a wanting, as they searched Catra’s own.

Adora leaned forward, and Catra did the same.

The twilight fell away, as did her stomach. The kiss was tentative, and lasted only a moment, as if they were both uncertain. When they met each other’s eyes again, Catra moved back the tiniest amount.

“Do you really want this?” She asked, her heart and voice trembling with anxiety. This was the chance for Adora to back out and pretend it hadn’t happened, or admit that it was spur of the moment and unwarranted. She could end all of this with a single word. Dread slithered through Catra, but she remained firm. She wouldn’t take advantage of this if it wasn’t okay with both of them.

Adora took both of Catra’s hands in hers, and gave her a wide smile, one that sent Catra’s stomach whooshing and her heart floating. “Absolutely.”

Catra beamed back, full of light. This time, there was no hesitation.  She brought her lips to meet Adora’s again, and put all that she had, years of yearning and wishing, into it. Though her emotions hit her with all the power of a comet, the kiss was tender. Sweet. Loving.

When they parted, Adora grinned, looking practically starstruck.

“Wow.” Her voice had taken on this sort of… dorky… quality, and Catra couldn’t help but giggle.

“You dummy.” She rested her forehead against Adora’s. “I love you.”

The words, spoken with sudden bravery, seemed maybe a little too heavy for someone who she had only kissed twice. Or was it once? Did it count as two?

Either way, Catra knew it was true. She’d known it was true for years, but she had no idea if they would ruin this beautiful thing they’d just created. So she tensed, waiting for the fall.

“You love me?” Adora repeated with slight disbelief, but not repulsed.

Catra laughed lightly. “You are such an idiot.”

“I love you too.” Catra turned to look up at Adora, her turn to be shocked. After the kissing, she was expecting her to like her at least, maybe a lot, but…

Love?

Adora’s eyes said it all, and feeling close to bursting, Catra responded by closing the gap once more.

With the knowledge that this actually meant something, it was even better. Catra brought her other hand around Adora’s waist, and they leaned into each other fully. A warm feeling spread throughout her, and Catra thought about how long she’d wanted this. To love Adora, and be loved back.

Adora leaned forward a little more, and every thought left her head besides Adora’s lips.

It was messy and warm, just like the two of them. Darkness was coming in on them rapidly, but Catra never wanted to leave this roof. Not if it meant she got to have Adora.

Breaking apart, Catra remembered that Adora was wearing a tank top, and she wasn’t too warm either with her fishnet sleeves. With slight disappointment, she reached over and grabbed the blanket that Adora had carried up. Adora took one side, and threw her arm over Catra’s shoulder, bringing her in close. Catra tucked herself into Adora’s side, contentment washing over her.

The sky was a shade of blue that couldn’t be described as light nor dark. It was dusky, and Catra noticed the first star. Nudging Adora slightly, she pointed. “Look.”

There was a moment of silence, before Adora asked, “What did you wish for?”

Since they were kids, they’d always come up here to watch for the first star and make wishes. And of course they’d always share their wish with each other, because the “bestest of friends” bypassed the rule about your wish not coming true. Instead, they had declared, if we told each other, the wish would be twice as strong. Because if Catra wanted something, Adora wanted her to have it, and visa versa.

Catra didn’t have to think too hard before finding a simple truth. “More nights like this.” She decided, looking up at Adora.

Her face melted into another smile. “Wish granted.” She declared, resting her head on top of Catra’s.

“What about you?”

Adora considered. “I actually think I have everything I want right now.”

“You sap.” Catra whined, but her words had no effect once she started kissing Adora again.

[crystallic-moon]

I’m reading Blood Like Magic so here’s my live comments

There will 100% be spoilers

Is she sitting in a pool of blood?

A lot of blood.

Ok but the whole Voya not being able to make a decision thing is exactly like me.

Fuck Uncle Cathius.

“And so humble” I LOVE KEIS BEING ABLE TO HEAR HER THOUGHTS

Wait- Alex’s bleeding came from her eyes and ears, but it was said that that’s how it is for the guys since they don’t have a period. Soo.. is Alex trans?

ALEX IS TRANS I LOVE THE REPRESENTATION

Aww i love what Voya’s mom said to her when Voya was becoming insecure about her hips.

Luc may be mean but he sounds hot ;-;

Holy shit- Mama Jova’s scars— my heart hurts for what she had to go through

Holy shit I think we’re watching how Mama Jova died

The year 2049, I’d be 44 years old in this story

Nooo Eden 🥺

Ok but maybe Mama Jova didn’t mean kill him? But also I get why she’d want bloodshed because of the way she died...

Voya just exposed Luc :0

Omg why am I starting to like Luc

I’m a Luc simp but I shouldn’t be

I suck at remembering to write in this. This whole mystery with Auntie Elaine is confusing.

I also loved that scene at the Night Market where Luc gave her a temporary tattoo. It felt like their first real raw bonding moment.

I wonder if Lucs secretly a witch. Like what if he is but he doesn’t know about it.

Aww Luc called over Voya while he was workinggg she’s growing on him.

LMAO DENNIS BEING LIKE HOW TF DID U GET LIC TO TALK TO YOU

Priya holding Edens hand hurts because she’s probably scared it may be the last time she might get to.

AHAH- LUCS LIKE U SURE UR MOM WOULD LET U HAVE A BOY IN UR ROOM, AND VOYA FREEZES AND HES LIKE DIDNT THINK ABOUT THAT DID U

Why was that cute omg

Oh they’re definitely starting to like each other

*clears throat* Lucs letting her get into his personal space

Justin did something to Elaine I know it.

I think Elaine had something to do with Justin discovering the genetic modification thing.

I like Luc and Alex kinda bonding over both being trans.

Are they really talking about her when they know she’s in the house or near it?? Y’all are witches I’d assume you’d be a bit smarter about this.

Omg he went after her crying, my heart.

HE OFFERED TO HUG HER

AWW HES SO AWKWARD IT HURTS

Dammit she has to kill him.

“‘I think you make him flustered.’” MHM YES SHE DOES

I feel so bad for Alex she didn’t deserve to find out that way.

I don’t know if I love or hate that Voya said yes to dinner.

“Every day, more and more cracks in our family get exposed” - my theory is that the whole ‘destroy your first love’ thing is about her family. Voya’s family is her first love and the has to destroy its secrets.

Can we not kill Luc please

Oh shit she killed Juras-

Oh he survived

*cough* they definitely like each other

Man, fuck Justin.

YES GO BE SPONTANEOUS

Peptalkpeptalkpeptalk

“If I give it back, what excuse will I have to keep inviting you places to return it?” STOP HES SO CUTE

I really love the representation of both Luc and Alex being trans. And Keisha being a lesbian.

He’s definitely given her profile more than a ‘glance’

I know I’ve said it before. And it’s probably getting repetitive. But I love the trans representation in Luc.

I feel like Luc is being more soft with Voya, when Voya was like examining his body cuz he told her about how often he eats, he awkwardly was like could u not examine my body. But like with other ppl I feel like he wouldn’t been more snappy with it, cuz as we’ve seen he’s not afraid to be a little mean.

Honestly I get Lucs thing about speaking Spanish to his family and being told he has an accent every time. Happens to me a lot, it’s irritating but I try.

Yes u like him and he likes u it’s so obvious now kiss.

THEY KISSED OMG

They are so adorable please don’t make her kill him.

I am so worried about her watching this.

JOHAN OMG

stop the man was wipping them like how Mama Jova died is that meant to be a sign???

Luc came to see her???

Okay okay but how tf is she supposed to explain to Luc that she got whipped by a magical man or whatever that wat because she wanted to watch a ritual so she could prepare to kill him?? - not even the killing him part, how is she supposed to explain the some magic dude whipped me part?!

No it’s a vision girl don’t believe it.

ITS A VISION STOP IT.

Omg can this girl catch a break she just got badly injured and almost died she doesn’t need this.

WAIT LUC WAS ACTUALLY THERE

WAIT THE THING SHE SAID IN HER VISION DID SHE SAY THEM OUTLOUD?!

CUZ IF SHE DID SHE MENTIONED HURTING JURAS SO LUC WOULD KNOW SHE DID SOMETHING TO JURAS.

NOOOO

I’m upset.

Watching Voya and her dad bind is bittersweet cuz I know he still hurt her despite this bonding moment.

Mama Jova better have a good ass lesson to teach Voya with this task cuz girl is going through it.

I want to see Luc again.

I am so anxious to keep reading cuz I genuinely don’t know what’s going to happen.

I feel like Lucs gonna show up to her cooking competition especially since he can easily find her location.

I WAS RIGHT HE SHOWED UP

Fuck Justin man.

At least he’s the successor

Ok I get Voya wanting to be honest but why would admit that he still considering killing him ;-; for all you know he could be recording this and take it to the cops.

“Are you breaking up with me?” STOP STOP RIGHT NOW

I hate that he blocked her but like -he has a very very valid reason. Surprised he didn’t get a whole restraining order.

Wait wait since Voya broke the circle when they were casting the spell to protect caribana that means there will be no protection and that has to mean something??

I’m betting that something bads gonna happen at the Caribana

I feel like her mom told her until to stay until they got back for a good reason

YAY SHE PASSED BUT WAT DID SHE ASK FOR

Omg I thought Voya got shot—

Ok yes technically Voyas partially to blame for breaking the circle but it’s not entirely her fault

No no no u could’ve just gotten rid of her internship or something but trap her in the house forever? Sorry girl I wouldn’t forgive u either.

I like that Lucs back but it hurts

Holy shit things have gone very south

Ofc he was gonna trap u in glass cage with Eden what did u expect Luc ;-;

Mf I swear to fucking god if u kill granny

Aww Luc and Voyas little moment through the glass. I can tell he feels guilty and still loves her...

He’s still trying to protect her.

Oh shit he’s known since before Luc and Voya even met

They’re not a legitimate genetic match-

THEY STILL FELL FOR EACH OTHER WHO CARES.

I like Voyas thing about him thinking what he had with Elaine was love, because wat they had wasn’t love if he expected her to do anything he asked just because she loved him.

Granny to the rescue

Granny is not to the rescue.

Yes Luc he’s a lying cheat.

Please I thought Luc was destined to die, not Granny 🥺

“Who will by my grandma is she’s gone?” STOP IT RIGHT NOW

“Does it also not matter that I can’t even have a conversation with my parents without arguing? That I’ve forgotten how to speak my own language because you told me it wasn’t important? If the outcome of good, are the consequences irrelevant?” STOP LUC MY BABY DOESNT DESERVE THIS.

Stop that actually hurts cuz Luc sees how great of a relationship Voya has with her family and he’s just there without a relationship with them besides shared genes.

Yes Luc argue with the asshole.

Even tho u were once an asshole.

Edennn 🥺

Omg u love Luc fighting for them

Like I love how Luc fought for Justin to let Granny hug her granddaughter goodbye. It shows he cares and how this really does hurt him especially the way Voya described him wiping away his tears and screaming.

“Granny puts Eden back down on the chair and pauses to stare at Luc. ‘Thank you. ‘Please don’t,’ Luc croaks. ‘Too bad. I already thanked you.’” - Luc probably feels like this is his fault, that’s why he doesn’t want Granny to thank him.

:0 granny was the one who saved Luc from Voya stabbing him in her vision.

I like that Granny respected Voyas wishes of not killing him by saving him herself.

Keis is eternally trapped in the house for nothing.

Seriously.

I mean I’m glad Eden was saved by that but still.

“Why would you tell me this now? Why would you make me sparked as shit with you right as your about to die?” 🥺

She regrets not trusting Voya 🥺

AWW STOP “That means you can’t die. You have to make it up to me. Borrow someone else’s gift. Fix this.”

Granny was always planning making Voya the matriarch.

STOP SHE WONT GET TO BE A MAMA

Omg omg omg it’s Auntie Elaine.

Wait that’s so smart, turning him into the prototype

Omg her killing his body’s was intense—

“Why couldn’t you listen to me? Why couldn’t you find another way?” Luc still cared about Justin but of course he did, he wasn’t the best but it’s still the man who basically raised him.

Aww he tried to save Eden regardless

Omg she almost collapsed

Oh shit. “It’s the Luc I imagined once he knew the truth. That hateful twist to his mouth and narrowing of his eyes.” He hates her.

Wait that’s so sad, him only having the bionic lenses to remember Justin by.

“‘For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. But don’t forget that we both lost someone today.’ Luc shakes his head. ‘You lost someone. I lost everyone.’” - Stopp that’s so sad. Voya lost her granny but she still has her family, but Luc doesn’t have anyone else. He’s absolutely done with Voya, he doesn’t have any other friends, his sponsee siblings seem to hate him, and he argues with his family. Justin was all he had and now that’s gone too...

Sorry I’m mad a Voya too for trapping Keis in the house.

AWW LUC CHANGED THE CHROMOSOME ID THING

“Alex said that now her ID brings up XX the way it should.” I LOVE IT

“I like to think it’s because he’s better than that.” I think he hasn’t threatened or punished them for what happened because deep down he still wants to protect Voya and he’s aware they did it to save themselves and their family.

Woahhh Justina dads death

“The ancestors must love irony.” 💀

I guess she sort of did listen to Luc cuz she’s interning at Roti Roti for Johan.

I hate that Granny’s gone :(

Voyas showing Rena, Lauren’s mom, how she died 🥺

Wait I love that.

“I bring the intent. They bring the blood. We both pay for the gift of magic.”

This was a good book.

I loved the different genres blended together. I loved the magic side of it, it’s witches, and how they had this whole system with a matriarch, and a whole community. I loved the sci fi parts, with the genetic modification and this huge new company NuGene. I loved loved loved the romance between Voya and Luc and how they didn’t get their traditional happy ever after, and how they also weren’t a legit genetic match but they still fell for each other. And I loved the mystery side with figuring out who Mama Elaine was and what important role she played.

I’ll admit the story felt slow in the beginning and I almost decided to turn around and return it for another book but I’m so glad I didn’t because it was a good and eye catching book. But it does upset me and Keis really got the short end of the stick, she spent the whole book working to get a NuGene internship only to end up trapped in the house by the person who pushed her to get the internship.

This was a good book tho I do recommend.

Also Luc never returned Voyas food container.

4/5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Finished July 15, 2021 at 2pm

[zwritestuff]

Some Things Are Bound To Be (Chapter Five) - Kyara

A/N: JESUS. This took as long as the previous chapter and it isn’t nearly as long as the last. Sorry, guys. But hey, I literally wrote this in under 24 hours! A personal record, if I do say so myself. We get some s p i c y drama, too 👀 things can only go up from here. A million thanks to @fromthenorthernskies​ for screaming beta-ing this chapter 💗 Hope you enjoy!

PSA- the author does not take responsability for the feelings this chapter may cause, however, is more than welcome to be screamed at. 😌

CW: alcohol, smoking.

Read on AO3.

***

“Everything’s fake,” Kyne blurts out before she can properly process what she’s saying, head fuzzy from all the Tequila shots. Priyanka looks at her with a grin, sipping on her cocktail, saying something about agreeing with her, that they all know Scarlett got their lips done back in college, but Kyne stops her. “That’s not what I mean.”

Priyanka knits her brows in a frown, looking puzzled. Kyne supposses she can’t expect much from her, since they’re already drunk as hell, barely able to walk without stumbling—and she’s being unintentionally mysterious, blurting out things like that while they’re outside the bathroom waiting for Scarlett and Bo. Jesus. She has to gather herself and think something coherent.

“My relationship with Kiara, it’s fake,” she clarifies, and it somehow feels as if an invisible weight has been lifted from her shoulders. And then, the regret and panic hits her, as she remembers that no one was supposed to know.

But before she can come up with an excuse—say it’s a joke, or something of the sort—Priyanka narrows her eyes, tilting her head, giving her an accusatory look. “I fucking knew it,” she says, so calm and collected, but Kyne can clearly distinguish the offense behind her words.

Kyne recoils for a moment, blinking repeatedly until she processes what Priyanka just said. “You knew?” 

“Duh.” Priyanka takes a sip of her drink, staring at Kyne dead in the eye. “Well I mean, I kinda suspected it, but you always have this stupid lovey-dovey face when you’re with her, and, I dunno, I never saw you look at anyone like that,” she explains, slurring ever so slightly, but her tone is rather serious—or as serious as someone as drunk as Priyanka can be—and Kyne understands every single word, flushing a deeper shade of red with each one. 

“I don’t like Kiara,” it’s the first thing that comes out of her mouth, a tad too defensive.  Though, if she were to be honest, it’s not like she’s entirely wrong—she does feel generally happy around Kiara, unable to bite back a smile with anything related to her. But it’s not “lovey-dovey.” It’s not… Or at least she thinks so.

Anyway. Priyanka cocks an eyebrow—that at the beginning of the night was perfectly painted and now it’s started to smudge around the edges—and presses her index finger on Kyne’s chest, determination burning in her gaze.

“No, you don’t like her—you love her, you stupid bitch,” she declares, proud of her conclusion. If Kyne’s cheeks were red before, now they resemble an apple, even under layers of foundation.

“I fucking don’t—”

“Yes, you do,” Priyanka cuts her off with a solemn tone. Her drink spills ever so slightly from the glass, and Kyne tries to point it out, but Priyanka shushes her. “Oh my god, how did you not know? Of course you’re in love with her, you dumbass. What else did you think would happen? Huh? You made her a fucking dress with pockets for free—”

“That’s technically not true.”

“—and you’re the same bitch that told me I’d have to wait three to five business days for you to fix one of my tank tops!” She finishes her rant with a matter-of-factly tone, sounding as if she just resolved the DaVinci Code. 

Kyne stares blankly at her, trying to find something to deny Priyanka’s crazy theory. Sure, there’s just something about Kiara’s personality out of work hours that attracts her like a magnet, and, and as she found out after spending time with her at the ball, already one week ago, they have incredible chemistry together.

But that doesn’t mean she likes, let alone loves, her.

She’s about to tell Priyanka as much, when they hear Bo and Scarlett call out their names as they exit the bathroom. Before she knows it, they’re roaming around the club again, stopping to dance when there’s good music, and buying drink after drink. 

And she’s having a good time, she really is; Kyne never gets bored when the Dynamic Four are together, more often than not bringing the chaos wherever they are. But Priyanka’s words linger in her mind, heavy on her conscience. Loving Kiara isn’t an option, there’s no way—but does she like her?

Well, as a friend, obviously, otherwise she would’ve never allowed her to crash in her office, even if she was her boss. But there are those fleeting moments, where Kyne’s heart skips a beat when she smiles at her, and how when she loosens up when they’re alone, eyes crinkling when she laughs wholeheartedly at her jokes, it makes her feel warm inside. She never paid them any mind, because she always felt some sort of pride in making her friends laugh, and she’s a raging lesbian, so any pretty girl that smiles at her makes her nervous.

Though now that Priyanka brings it up, she does act differently around Kiara than she would with her regular friends. And Kyne might try to excuse it by saying it’s just her trying to keep the faintest professionalism, but looking at it with a different light, it dawns on her that, holy fucking christ, she actually likes Kiara.

Oh, shit.

It seems almost like a joke from the universe that the second she realized it, she was scrolling through random Instagram Stories, landing on Kiara’s by pure luck. It was a selfie from her and one of her friends, they were out too, apparently to a bar. And Kiara looked so damn stunning, with her flawless make-up, sparkly silver dress and loose curls, her heart does that stupid thing where it beats like it wants to come out of her ribcage. 

Damn. Okay, maybe she does like her, an awful lot at that.

“Pri?” Kyne calls out, leaning with her back pressed against the counter of the bathroom. Priyanka glances at her, trying to salvage her melting eyebrows, cursing through gritted teeth her second hand make-up.

“Yeah?”

“You were right,” she says, the mysterious tone back again, though this time is purposeful, as she’s more sober now. Priyanka vaguely asks her about what, before going back to wiping the sweat around her eyebrows with a tissue. “About liking Kiara. I think I do,” Kyne admits with a defeated tone, bringing a hand to her chest and giving a dramatic sigh.

Priyanka chuckles, lazily looking at Kyne. “Of course I am right, I was right about Carol from accounting fucking Jeff from my team in the janitor closet. Nothing escapes me,” she says, making Kyne laugh a tad too loud than she would if she was fully sober. This is a way too watered down reaction than she expected, but Priyanka does turn into a quieter person when she’s drunk—she’s not sure how that works, considering she’s loud as all hell when she’s sober.

“True, I guess,” Kyne concedes, shifting her position to look directly at her friend. “I wonder if she, uh, if she feels the same,” she asks out loud, not really expecting a reply, but Priyanka shrugs.

“I mean, I don’t know her as you do, clearly, but I’d say as far as you go, you have it bad, because you always were all about ‘eating the rich’ when we were in college, and look at you now, you’re in love with a rich girl,” Priyanka teasingly comments with a snort, and Kyne gasps, offended, as she playfully shoves her.

“I guess so, because I don’t wanna eat her,” she replies, not bothering on correcting Priyanka when she says she loves her, because she knows she won’t be able to get her to understand she doesn’t—yet. A thought crosses her mind when she thinks of Kiara in that royal blue dress she made for her, looking more ethereal than ever, and, bolded by the alcohol, she says after a moment, “I mean, not in that way, but—”

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Priyanka deadpans, cutting her off again. Her tired expression causes Kyne to go in a fit of giggles, though if she thinks about it for a moment, she’s more so laughing at herself for taking so damn long to figure it out, and not even on her own. Priyanka turns to look at her, finally giving up on salvaging her eyebrows and pinches her in the arm. “If you two get married one day, I demand to be the maid of honor, because your ass would’ve never realized without me,” she declares, matter-of-factly.

Kyne pinches her back, gasping in offense. “I would’ve realized at some point!” Priyanka arches a brow, cocking a hip as she turns to face her. “Fine, maybe I wouldn’t have. But it’s not my fault emotions are so complicated!” 

Priyanka sighs dramatically, patting Kyne’s shoulder, tossing the dirty tissue in the trash before taking her hand to get out of the bathroom.

They wave through the crowd to find Scarlett and Bo perched against one of the windows for the smokers, talking between drags and occasionally eyeing the people around them. Scarlett asks what took them so long, shouting over the blasting music, and Priyanka just says the bathroom was full. 

Scarlett barely cares for her reply, and Bo just suggests they should take a selfie before anyone else’s make-up starts melting. Priyanka swats her in the arm, but ends up giving in, and they somehow manage to take a picture they all like within three tries. That, in itself, is a miracle. 

They take some more, just to be sure, before Scarlett proposes to buy one last round of drinks—closing time is soon, but it seems like that won’t stop her, so they drag Priyanka along and Kyne stands in her spot, guarding it while she talks to Bo.

“What do you think of this one?” She asks, showing Bo a picture she took at the beginning of the night, striking a pose on the balcony of Priyanka’s apartment, staring at the camera with her signature resting bitch face, but make it fashion. Her tight black leather skirt hugged her curves, and her hot pink crop top looked great against her skin.

Bo takes the phone with her free hand, dying cigarette in the other, and looks at it for a moment before nodding with a complicit smile. “You look hot, do I have to suppose Scarlett took it?”

“You know it.” She gives her a wink, typing in the caption Scarlett’s username, because they always get mad if they don’t get credited for the photos they take of their friends, and stops before posting. “I don’t have a caption in mind right now, do you?” Kyne looks at her, and Bo blows out the smoke before answering.

“I dunno, I always put either a stupid pun or a sex lyric.” Bo shrugs, and it’s not really of much help, but after a moment, Kyne googles the lyrics of that new Pussycat Dolls song. 

The less you do, the more it makes me crazy, she reads, squinting slightly. Kyne supposses it’s somehow fitting—it takes Kiara to smile for her to feel all sorts of things. She hopes it’s a hint discreet enough, and presses post before she chickens out.

It seems like the queue to get a drink hasn’t slowed down, because Scarlett and Priyanka have yet to return, so she checks her phone every so often, definitely not to see if Kiara had liked her photo, between her casual conversation with Bo as she finishes her cigarette.

Bo is saying something about this guy that has been looking at her intently for the past ten minutes when Kyne checks her phone yet again. She was going to lock it again after briefly going through her notifications—until something stuck out to her.

@kiara.qc commented on your photo: “you’re hotter than hell”. Followed by three fire emojis.

She tries to fight back a toothy grin, but that’s next to impossible, and her fingers hover over the screen for a second too long, mind blank.

“Geez, girl, can you make it any more obvious that you’re whipped for Miss Bitch Heiress?” Bo says, and though she tries to play it off as a joke, Kyne knows her well enough to detect the underlying annoyance.

“Don’t call her that,” she says, “She’s not a bitch. And what if I am, anyway?”

Bo merely rolls her eyes, her cigarette all but finished as she stomps on it to light it off. “Oh, c’mon, as if you don’t know,” she scoffs, and it comes off just a little too rude for Kyne’s liking.

“The fuck you mean? Know what?” She squints, locking her phone and placing it in her front pocket. Bo cocks a brow, folding her arms.

“Oh, so you don’t know Kiara fires the girls she sleeps with?”

Kyne’s heart stops for a second, all the color draining from her face as she stares at Bo, curiosity in her expression. She tries to ask why does she think that, but she struggles to form a coherent sentence. 

“I think you forget that me and Scarlett have been working for the company for years now,” she proceeds after a moment, “I was already in my position as PR manager when she started working half-time. And of course she got the special treatment and climbed to an important position within a month there, so now me and Scarlett were receiving orders from a teen fresh from high school.” Kyne wants to say that technically it’s not Kiara’s fault, but Bo goes on before she can open her mouth. “Then, of course she started to sleep around with some of our co-workers. Suspiciously enough, most of them were fired or quit the job shortly after.”

Kyne feels the dread pool at the pit of her stomach—there’s no way this is true, it has to be manufactured office drama, or maybe what really happened was extremely taken out of context. But there’s no way in hell Kiara is that type of person.

“Maybe she’s changed,” she muses, wanting to have the faintest hope that it’s not true. Bo squeezes her shoulder, giving her a pitiful smile.

“Listen, bitch, I love you and shit, but if I were you I’d stop this before you’re way too into it.”

It’s too late, Kyne thinks, chewing the inside of her cheek.

Priyanka and Scarlett come back shortly after it, and Kyne doesn’t speak to Bo for the rest of the night.

***

When Kyne wakes up next morning, she has a heavenly hangover, and a feeling of hollowness in her heart.

Bo’s words haunted her for the rest of the night, her demeanor doing a full 180°. Fortunately enough, Priyanka and Scarlett were too drunk to notice. But Bo was sober, since she didn’t like to drink, and was their assigned driver, anyway. She did pick up on her change, and Kyne was thankful she was the first one she dropped off once the club closed and they had to go home.

Her bed was a mess, just like her mind, and she didn’t have the strength to reach for her phone and check her latest post on Instagram, knowing Kiara was at the top of the comment section.

Everything she knew to be true about her is suddenly put to the test, and Kyne doesn’t know if she should believe her best friend, who’s only seeking out for her, or Kiara, who has been nothing but kind and sweet and nothing like people think. But maybe Kyne is a little too biased.

And then there’s the fact they’re not really sleeping together, or dating for real, for that matter; if that was true, she can’t fire her once they’re done pretending—or can she? 

She groans out loud, tossing and turning in her bed. Her head is pounding, aching from last night, and the least she needs is over-heating it with such incoherent train of thought.

She’d like to think she’s able to stop liking Kiara for the sake of making things easier once they inevitably break up and things get awkward when people wonder why are they still hanging out, as if nothing happened—she’d really like to, but it’s easier said than done, for her heart plummets against her ears when she replies to Kiara’s comment with a simple red heart, and clicks on her profile, finding that she also posted a photo from last night.

Kyne sighs, admiring the photo a second too long before liking it and locking her phone, knowing things will be awkward on Monday morning.

[slywood]

Think of Yourself Less - Part 1

I didn’t wash the car. Sure, I picked up all my work papers. The mess on the floor was cleaned up. There were no stray pens, paper clips, or company bottle openers left astray. The interior was clean while the rest of the car was an unapologetic mess. I was never into cars, which is even more ironic, because I had just finished the process of buying a brand new one. Regardless, I took off in what my brother had tagged the “lesbian car” to pick up Hannah.

My brother and his wife were both on a mission to have me go out with Hannah. I was always adamant about not dating friends. No friends, no relatives of friends, and no ex’s. All of that sounded like too much drama for me. I was always the type of guy who was eager to date someone but just as anxious to figure out how to drop said girl. So it made sense that I didn’t want to be an asshole to someone I knew or was close to a friend. It just meant trouble.

Hannah was gorgeous though. I remember meeting her around ten years ago. My brother had invited me out. We met up with Hannah and maybe a half dozen of her friends. All of them were pretty, but Hannah stood out. I remember I had just moved to the city and wasn’t as outgoing as I’d eventually become. I didn’t talk to her much but I remember thinking how incredibly beautiful she was. I knew at some point I would give it a shot.

It was a few years later that my brother’s wife was urging me to date Hannah. I considered it but never wanted to pursue it. As I explained in my writings, I preferred for things to be natural. Encouraging someone to date their friend felt forced. It was almost like a blind date. Whenever I date a woman, I know that she’s interested. I know that the only thing standing in my way is myself. So I know what to do and how to do it because I’ve done it 100′s of times before. In this case, it was like a guessing game. So I never pursued it. I wanted to be patient and let it just happen, if it did.

Once again, Hannah was single. Once again, they encouraged me to date her. Not just once. Not even just a few times. Literally every time we hung out the idea of dating Hannah was brought up. It wasn’t even just my brother and his wife. Even Hannah would bring up the idea. She’d casually say, “Sure, I’d go out with him,” and I’d let it go without a response. I just smirked as if to suggest it was a silly joke. All the while, I considered it. At the same time, it felt like trouble.

I was drinking at my brother’s house when I tried to explain why I didn’t want to date Hannah. “It always ends badly for me,” I explained. I continued as they asked why by saying that no matter what, it just goes to shit. I don’t know why, but I lose interest, or something happens. It’s just the way it goes with me. Once I have sex with a girl, they typically get attached and the more that happens the more disinterested I become. I explained all this and yet they pushed.

Eventually, I relented. I called Hannah and asked her out. She told me her mom was sick though. I had no idea what that meant. It could have been a small scare or a life threatening illness. I had no idea. So when I asked for her plans for the weekend and she told me she was waiting on her mother’s results, I just wished her luck and didn’t bother asking her out again. Once she explained that she was doing better I decided to ask her out one last time. It was two weeks later and we finally had a date planned.

I picked her up in one of my work cars. One of the reasons my business took off was because I stopped reading, writing, and drawings and actually working. I sold my cool car. I got rid of all my vices. I didn’t drink, do drugs, or date. All I did was work. It’s been six years. I figured it didn’t matter. Hannah was a good person and didn’t give a shit about fancy things. I dressed up in a blazer, with a button down and some nice shoes though. I wanted to stay classy even if my car was a joke.

Right off the bat, I felt uncomfortable. I called her to let her know I was outside. There was no parking in front of her place so I was positioned a bit further up. I was about two cars ahead and hoped she’d just recognize the car. I’d driven her home in the past so I figured she would. I awkwardly turned around to see if she came out a few times. Everyone takes a few minutes to come out so I decided to stop looking over and just waited. Sure enough, she came over and opened the door.

Hannah was always nice. When she greeted you it was like she was always legitimately excited to say hello. I thought that was cool. I don’t think I could ever be like that on a constant basis. Still, it was nice to be greeted like that even if that was just her personality. Unfortunately, I’m a subtle guy. I can’t force a smile or pretend to be excited without a glass of booze. I figured I could mow through it though once I settled down with a glass of wine.

My biggest regret was going out with my brother the prior night. I had stopped by simply to collect a payment from him. I should’ve known better. For the past few months I’d been getting dinner with him and a friend at least once a week. It was a Friday night and I again was roped into dinner with them. To make matters worse, one of my key salesmen was out using a vacation day the next day. That meant I had to be up early and on time. 

I’d quit drinking for about five years. My health was in serious jeopardy at the time. Once that cleared up, I worried that I was an alcoholic. It took me a long time to actually crack and have a sip of wine. Temptation was easy to avoid, but my ex-girlfriend was the only one who actually finally got me to cave. Women, men, even employees and clients always tried to get me to drink with them. It was easy to deny them all. For some reason, my ex was the only one who could.

Alcohol helped me relax. It wasn’t something I needed, until it was. I know that’s typically what you hear from an alcoholic, but in my case, I was different. The reason I had a problem is because I’m epileptic. Drinking is a depressant which means it actually helps suppress any seizure activity. My disorder is well managed, and alcohol itself won’t actually cause me to get sick, it’s the withdrawal that kills me. So yea, I got stuck in a vicious circle where I battled withdrawal with alcohol. Rewind to one of my first stories and you’ll see first hand how trapped I was.

I was five cocktails deep that night. It was way more than I ever intended to have. I simply was not a cocktail drinker, never was. I wasn’t even a whiskey or scotch guy anymore. I could enjoy one, but having multiple meant I wouldn’t be able to sleep well. If I took a shot, it meant I would wake up in the dead of night and then struggle to go back to sleep. Sleep is important for my condition. Sleep is something I did not get that night as I woke up at 4AM and tossed and turned for the next few hours.

Work is something I’ve taken seriously. It’s something I had to commit to entirely. My entire family relied on me to save something that was unsalvageable. I don’t brag, I don’t embellish or lie, and I certainly don’t care what other people thing about me. So when I write, I piss away certain guidelines like, don’t let the truth get in the way of telling a good story. No, I just lay it out the way it is. The truth is, I destroyed myself for over five years to literally save my family. You might say that I really did it for myself and my future, but the truth is, I always felt like I allowed the family business to collapse by never getting involved earlier. I felt like it was my fault, so I way now paying my dues. It was my penance for 10 years of debauchery.

It makes sense that I don’t need alarm clocks. I always wake up on time. I literally wake up one hour earlier on the dot every single morning. Unfortunately, alcohol fucks that up. It means I overcompensate and then I panic. The fear that I won’t be able to sleep and have an attack is something that has always plagued me. Even when I was sleeping around with women I would often not stay the night solely for this reason. 

One of the coolest and most beautiful women I’ve ever been with was a victim of this. I actually left her in the dead of night to go back to my hotel room and I knew that probably made her feel like shit, but I was terrified that I might have a seizure the next morning. So I left, but I made sure to call her later and tell her how awesome she was and how I hoped to see her again.

It was 4AM though. That meant I only got around two hours of sleep in when I needed at least 6 to 8. I was in a seriously bad spot as I got up from bed at 7 AM. I felt anxious and I stared at my hands. It was my hands that told me everything. If they twitched, jerked, or shook, I was in trouble. I didn’t feel any of that. Instead, I just felt on edge. So I went ot work and mowed through the day. Saturdays we close at 4PM. I was able to last until 2. I told my general manager that I was done. I needed sleep. He nodded and told me to take it easy. He just assumed I was overworked. I guess I was.

I was in the car with Hannah and I actually mentioned that I left work early that day to go to sleep. I don’t know if I was trying to laugh it off or find some kind of excuse for why I was a bit anxious. When we spoke I was quick to answer. It was weird because I’m not a fast talker. I guess when I’m anxious I try to hide the fact by speaking quickly. I think speaking quickly is my way of trying not to overthink things. My mind always goes 100mph. That night I was speaking without thinking at all.

Hannah mentioned that we didn’t have to go so far to get dinner. I told her I wanted to go somewhere new though. I liked the city she lived in but it was cool to try new spots. I then tried to tell a quick story about a Portuguese restaurant I had gone to with my friend’s wife and how much we hated it. She asked me a few details about the place and said she’d been there and enjoyed it. I was in the midst of telling her how much I hated the place to suddenly saying, “Oh, yea. I mean I must’ve just ordered something weird. I mean I ordered Quail. So yea, probably not that bad.”

As soon as that happened, it was etched into my mind. What. The. Fuck? That was the most pathetic exchange I’ve ever been apart of. I’ve seen guys do that. I’ve witnessed the aftermath. I know that’s like watching an evisceration. I had just forfeited all my convictions, all my integrity. I don’t lie. So why the fuck did I just turn into an appeasing little boy? Hannah was still sitting in the passenger seat as I drove us to the restaurant. I didn’t have time to think it over. Still, I knew I had just stepped into quicksand. The only real question was, could I get out?

[chrisevansgoodgirl]

Can we talk about Carol and Steve punishing their sub? Because I love both my captains 😭

(Goodness! Sorry this took so long!)

Anyway. Let’s talk about this! Bc I feel like the styles are SO SO SO SO SO so fucking different.

Carol likes to punish you. She likes to grab you by the jaw when you’re talking back, she likes to pull your hair after you roll your eyes at her, she likes to grab you and pin you to the wall when you try to walk away from her. And she loves spanking you, edging you, and just not letting you come at all. Because she really likes when you’re whimpering and crying bc you need an orgasm while you’re laid out on top of her, head on her chest while she runs her fingers through your hair. And she really loves making you eat her out. For hours. She lets you on the bed so you’re comfortable but she really likes to ignore you while your mouth is between her legs. She’ll answer texts, sometimes calls. She’ll browse Netflix, sometimes even start a new show. She’ll read a book, a newspaper. And then you feel like you have something to prove—which is probably her goal.

Steve is soft. He doesn’t necessarily like it. He definitely doesn’t hate it, but he prefers to spoil you, not punish you. But when he knows he must, he will. Unlike Carol, he only ever punishes you on the bed. You’re not sure why, he’s just very strict about it. He won’t make you stand or bend you over a table, and it is NEVER in public—though, he does enjoy when Carol punishes you in a semi-public way. So, this bitch is a talker. Why am I punishing you? What lesson am I trying to teach you? Are you going to do it again? You always say no and he doesn’t communicate any disbelief even though you’re sure it’s there. Don’t you prefer being my good girl? And you claim yes, again, he accepts the answer. His preferred method is definitely spanking. Carol enjoys that from time to time, but’s definitely a Steve Punishment™️. He will have you count. Sometimes, he runs his fingers through your pussy and if you’re too wet, he makes you wait until you’re not. He loves how you end up absolutely needy and shaking, begging him to touch you—you don’t care how, you just need his hands on your body.

Where they have a common interest is overstimulation. Carol has tied you to the bed and left a vibrator on your clit for two hours before. You were a babbling, crying mess at the end, but the look of absolute adoration on her face and the way she held you afterward made up for most of it. She has you go to parties, meetings, other social events with too many people, where she has a smaller vibrator in your pussy and the means to control it with a handy app on her phone. Steve makes you sit on his face and won’t let you off until he is done. Super soldier. He’s never done. His favorite thing to do is make you talk. He has his hands on your hips and he lifts you just barely, starts using one hand’s fingers to press down on your clit or tease your entrance, and then says things like are you sorry for misbehaving? What do you think your punishment should be? Tell me how much you love me. Tell me how good I’m making you feel right now. You’re mostly incoherent, but he seems satiated by your responses most of the time.

The reasons for punishment are also so different. Most of the time. Carol reacts quickly so you talk back, you roll your eyes, you blatantly ignore her “advice”—see: orders—sometimes. She doesn’t do the talking like Steve. You know why she’s punishing you, she knows you know, and you both damn well know you’ll do it again whenever you please. With Steve, any of that behavior just gets you his disappointed eyebrows and then much later, you’re on the bed talking about it, waiting for him to pull you over his knee. You have never voiced it but you think he gets off on your nerves about it. He likes making you wait, keeping you guessing when, how many, how hard, will he fuck you after? Control. Freak. More often than not, Steve punishes you for “challenging” him in front of the team. You can’t do that, so he claims, because then everyone else will and then it’s not a team—you could recite this lecture in your sleep, you’ve gotten it enough.

These are the light punishments. Like that time you snuck out to a club with Wanda and then returned home with a black eye because long story short, some drunk loser got too handsy with Wanda and you started a fight with him and his friends. Or that time you consented to being bait for a mission and had to act without backup when the team couldn’t get there fast enough, no fault of their own; they just weren’t able to be close enough without being obvious. Or the time you had a drinking contest with Tony and won—which he argues about even though he called Pepper at 3 in the morning and begged her to take him back...they weren’t separated—and fell coming up the apartment stairs and sprained your wrist and bruised both shins. Neither Carol nor Steve were big drinkers and they constantly implored you to be responsible if you needed to do it. Or the time you helped Shuri, Peter, and Valkyrie prank the whole team. You weren’t allowed to retell the stories about Steve and Carol. Maybe it started with a p and ended in —regnancy. Regardless, the three of you decided to swap Thor’s cape out for a pink toned one that looked very much like the lesbian flag, which was totally not intentional... Tony was furious that the media reported Thor being the first avenger to make a political statement regarding sexuality. He was seriously planning a rainbow suit, and the rest of the team was no better, madness that Steve had to put an end to that he blamed you for completely.

But there are other, more serious times. Like when you make decisions during a mission that they are not on board with. And it doesn’t go as well as you would have hoped. Or that time, against Steve’s wishes, you were hanging out with a specific fantastic member of a certain team and there were paparazzi pictures the following day of when the tool kissed you out of nowhere—he swears he didn’t know you were with Steve and Carol, no one really believes him. Or when Carol told you not to go on that road trip with Nat and Bucky because, per Carol, despite them being master assassins, they had few people skills, absolutely no driving skills, and all three of you liked egging each other on way too much. Since Steve had been out of town, you were easily able to sneak out when Carol went to the gym. You guys were attacked, car destroyed, ended up hitch hiking to Montana, and had to call Steve and Carol to come get you.

When Carol is serious about punishment, it’s the craziest thing. She’s just at a complete loss. She’s not sure what to say or what to do, she is truly appalled and frustrated. This is when she leans on Steve a little—she sees him as the epitome of control and thinks he can offer it when she is feeling so out of control. All three of you end up on the bed, he sits against the headboard and holds you while Carol is sitting at the foot of the bed. Sometimes, she has you on your stomach, forearms locked tightly in Steve’s hands. This is when she spanks you. Sometimes, she has you on your back, Steve’s arms wrapped around your waist, and this is when she edges you until she’s satisfied. This is also when she talks. She wants you to show regret for upsetting her. She wants apologies and promises that it’s not going to happen again. But see, it’s not the same as when Steve talks bc Carol is going to do exactly what she wants and it doesn’t matter whether you tell her what she wants to hear or not. So, sometimes, you refuse to apologize, especially if it was a decision you stand by. These scenarios always end in a sort of compromise. It’s definitely not a win for either one of you and she’s okay with that. If anything, this is just to let you know that you scared her and if you would not scare her again, that would be great. Still, she has to send a message. You’re the only one naked, the only one vulnerable. Essentially, you’re the only one in the room without power and she likes to remind you in any way she can.

Steve. This is where things take a serious turn. He gags you. Because he doesn’t want to hear apologies, excuses, or arguments. Really, it’s almost dehumanizing when he punishes you this way, like you’re just an object for him to use however he wants. And it’s not like you can say no. Not that you’ve ever considered it, but there is this dark cloud over the whole room bc you have to wonder if he’ll know if you need him to stop. You hate that it actually gives you this tiny thrill. Carol watches. Steve demands it—but you wonder if it’s this mutual thing that they find in one another, maybe he’s feeling out of control and she’s the brakes then. He tells her what to do, too. He tells her when to undress, when to touch herself. The entire time, he’s fucking you furiously, yet acting like you’re not even there. He always starts you facing away from Carol. When he turns you toward her, you know he’s just about done with you. But when you lock eyes with her, when you know she’s looking at you, it’s harder not to come. You can’t warn Steve when you’re too close, you just have to hope that he’ll stop in time. For your sake alone, you assume—you’re not entirely sure what would happen if you finished without his permission. Not that you would ever tell him, but it scares the hell out of you to imagine. Afterwards, he’ll clean you up and tuck you in next to Carol. He usually goes to the gym to get rid of any remaining anger. You don’t tell him because you know it will make him feel guilty but you don’t fall asleep until he slides into bed and wraps an arm around you. You always take that to mean that he’s no longer mad at you. And every following morning, when he knows you’re awake, his fingers seek out your clit as some form of an apology for losing his temper with you.

[majorbitchwillgraham]

Dream of a black panther to which I removed its teeth

Yes, that was basically it. Well, I was with my parents and brother having dinner on a parking lot, like around a fire maybe, at night. Then the black panther showed up and of course it was dangerous. So we or I started removing its teeth (poor thing) with tweezers, so that it wouldn’t be able to eat us. That black panther was beautiful, but dangerous. I felt bad for removing its teeth but it was necessary. It only had the canines/fangs left and I was about to remove them, maybe hesitating, and then woke up.

....

How to begin this. It is brilliant... I love how creative dreams can be and even..artistic. It mixes the concepts of my dreams about black animals (omg) and the common dream of one’s teeth falling off. Or also removing your own teeth. 

I tried to remember if it was related to castration (punishment for desires or doing something bad) but I had to look it up and apparently it doesn’t just mean that. The meanings make sense: 

When the upper teeth or teeth in general fall off, it means you feel insecure and/or fragile, because the teeth are one of the strongest or most stable part of the body, so if they fall it is not being strong and being vulnerable

When the molars fall off, it means emotional pain or having to improve the emotional intelligence (includes taking better control of your life), maybe because molars are the ones that get to hurt, emotional pain that is making you feel insecure or vulnerable

When the canines fall off, because they are the most dangerous teeth, it means you feel even more weak, and afraid.

When you remove your own teeth, it has to do with punishment because yo made a mistake or did somethig bad, regret and not being satisfied with yourself.

When your teeth move but don’t fall off, it can mean general lack of self confidence

When someone else’s teeth fall off, it can mean you are worried because that person made a bad decision and something will happen to them, or maybe they are feeling insecure?

.

Then the dreams about animals and black animals.. I have dreamt about white tigers, a monsterized black bear, and small animals (this is something completely different). Someone has dreamt about a black lion, and someone about 2 black horses. It is very interesting when those animals can be black, can’t be black, or can only be black. 

Monsters in dreams are problems, the animals are instincts (any kind, sexual, survival, violent..) then if the animals are black that instinct is seen negatively by you, especially if the animal’s “default” color isn’t black. The monsterized black bear then would be an instinct that is a major problem... The lion is never black. the bear and horses can be black. And the panther is black. 

The black panther wasn’t monsterized, so it is not seen as a problem. It is an instinct, but the panther is black by default so I’m not thinking about it negatively. In the dream I see it as beautiful and dangerous. BUT however it is implying that it could be a negative instinct or a “bad” instinct, maybe I used to see it negatively, or others see it negatively, or it is subtly negative, as if saying “it is not bad but deep down I think it kind of is”. Because why bother showing a panther so it had to be black! It could have been any other animal and then it wouldn’t be black, if there was “absolutely no negative view about it” right?? if it didn’t need to be black. 

So, the black panther is my sexuality as a lesbian. I have come out to my family that appears in the dream and to some friends and I feel ok about it. But I haven’t told all my family, all my friends. I feel way much better about it now, but when I started thinking about telling them, I started to feel afraid again, or to hesitate. While thinking “you don’t have to be ashamed or afraid anymore, come on”

The black panther was beautiful but dangerous to us, kind of scary. My sexuality can “be a threat” to some aspects of our family interaction and relationship, my parents are still uncomfortable about it, especially my Dad, who still makes homophobic jokes or comments about other people but directly telling them to me. 

The teeth mean more things in this dream. I was removing its teeth so that it wouldn’t eat us. I was downgrading it, removing the dangerous aspect, removing its power. It means I feel like I have to tone down what or who I am, I can’t be myself completely, because they are uncomfortable; if the panther killed us it would mean seriously damaging our relationship or interaction (silly). 

I actually felt bad about removing its teeth, and thought it was beautiful, even if I knew it was dangerous, so I was only doing it because it was “necessary”. “I should be able to be 100% myself and they should 100% accept it, but I have to adapt or make it easy for them” “the truth is that it is dangerous and it is better this way, unfortunately”. But I didn’t want to remove all its power, I didn’t remove the canines/fangs, I still want that instinct to have power, still want to be myself in a way I can.

 I was punishing that instinct and I didn’t like it. The idea about “removing its power” might be referencing the meaning of the insecurity, making that instinct weak or insecure, just as I hesitate to tell the rest of my family when I thought I was completely ok and not afraid of doing it!

Maybe I don’t even have to project myself to the panther to make it about insecurity, I don’t have to say “they are removing my teeth and I am insecure or punished”, it is about insecurity just by making the instinct (and how I handle it) insecure.

There is also the concept of “me and my family are having a nice cozy time, even if we are in a place that could be dangerous because we are alone at night, but we are having a good time and then that dangerous thing shows up”. It is like it is not the panther’s fault (entirely) that we are in danger, because we are in a dangerous place to begin with. Could that mean that we as a family are not perfect and our flaws can cause conflicts, and it is not because my sexuality is such a bad thing?

[dinosaurs-last-day]

I was thinking 1 through 70, but I realize it's a lot. How about just 1 and 70 to let you off easy 😊❤️.

Nah, you asked for 1 through 70 and I am always up for a challenge. I’m going to do that now! CHALLENGE ACCEPTED YAY!

Plus, I love how you saw the list and though “ALL OF THEM!” I really made me laugh. Thank you for that.

here we go!

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Not really. I mean, we get along and we try not to fight. But we have very different beliefs on very big topics, so I have to keep that to myself. They definatly have their faults and it definately affected my childhood and our relationship. In the future, after I move out, I will distance myself from the a lot, but I hope that I won’t have to cut them out. 

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 

My little brother. He’s adorable.

03: Do you regret anything? 

So many things, I could write a book about my regrets. 

04: Are you insecure? 

Very, I’m insecure about almost everything. Ask literally anyone close to me and they will tell you. 

05: What is your relationship status? 

Single, single, single. And at this point in life, with all of my past relationships, I doubt I will even consider a relationship for a long while. Too much pain and fear for rejection and that type of stuff.

06: How do you want to die?

Honestly, I think it would be cool to die from alcohol poisoning or something like that. But if we are being realistic, any way that isn’t painful, like in my sleep.

 07: What did you last eat? 

a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

08: Played any sports?

In the past, I have played both baseball and softball on teams. I haven’t played any sports in the past 8-9 years and I doubt I will any time soon.

 09: Do you bite your nails?

nope, never did. 

 10: When was your last physical fight? 

My dad and I will roughhouse a lot. I tend to stay away from real physical fights. 

11: Do you like someone? 

I do like someone. Sadly, that didn’t work out and I am currently trying to figure out how to get over her.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

Yes. I have gone to multiple youth group all nighters where they lock you in a building and give you a bunch of stuff to do so that you don’t sleep. I’ve done it three times and have never lost it. 

 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 

I mean, I always hate myself, does that count? Honestly, a little. For almost a year now, I’ve hated this girl who was talking shit about me because she heard a rumor and decided to hate me. I’ve mostly gotten over it, but I still really don’t like this girl.

14: Do you miss someone?

@trixxyneko. I miss her a lot. 

 15: Have any pets?

Does a little brother count? No, I do not. My family rents a house and our landlord says no pets. We almost adopted a dog that broke into our house, but we couldn’t because of the landlord.

 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

Tired, sore.

 17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

Made out, yes. In a bathroom, nope. 

 18: Are you scared of spiders? 

Not really. I don’t like them and think they are creepy, but I wouldn’t say that I am scared of them. 

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 

Depends on where I was allowed to go back in time. Plus, do I have to sit back and watch for fear of ruining the timeline, or can I participate? These are all questions I would want answers to before making that decision. 

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

At a party, a year and a half ago.

 21: What are your plans for this weekend?

watch anime. Quarantined rn, so not much to do.

 22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

I want to adopt one kid. Maybe two depending on where I am and life and who I marry. 

 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 

Only regular earring piercings, but I want more.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 

Best subject is probably math. Even though I hate math...

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

not really. I can’t think of anyone. I’ve had to say goodbye to a lot of people because I move a lot. But if I’m super close to someone, I will stay in touch one way or another. 

 26: What are you craving right now?

chocolate

 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 

I wouldn’t say BROKEN, but I have broken up with a dude who followed me around like a puppy dog. He fine tho, at least, that’s what I’ve been told. 

28: Have you ever been cheated on? 

no.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

I don’t think so, I hope not.

 30: What’s irritating you right now?

This virus and the quarantine. Usually, I stay inside on my own accord, but I hate the fact that my choice has been taken away. I understand why, and I agree, but it does cramp my style. 

 31: Does somebody love you?

I doubt it. I’m a potato and if someone loved me, I’d call them crazy and insane.

 32: What is your favorite color?

I love blues, specifically aquamarine, gray, and purple. 

 33: Do you have trust issues?

Yes. I have had a good number of bad friendships that have given me trust issues. 

 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 

I don’t really dream, and if I do, I forget it immediately, so idk...

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 

My mirror. Honestly, I cried watching RWBY a few weeks ago, so my siblings.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 

Yeah, I trust people even when they don’t really earn that trust. And for me, that means believing that people will change even if they don’t. 

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Forgive. I very much live by the forgive but don’t forget thing. It’s not that I try to remember, I just have a really good memory.

 38: Is this year the best year of your life?

Absolutely not. I look around at what is happening in both the entire world and my personal life, and I feel despair. 

 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 

14 years old.

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 

NO. I have no self confidence, I can’t even walk around my house without two or three layers of clothing on and be comfortable. 

51: Favorite food? 

PICKLES and ICE CREAM. But not together, that’s gross. 

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Yes, otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to live in this chaos. I have to believe in that for my own sanity. 

 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Read fanfiction.

 54: Is cheating ever okay?

No. What type of question is that? Cheating is never okay. If you enter a relationship, you are dedicating yourself to that person until you two break up, if you do that. If you want to be with someone else, you need to leave the relationship you are already in.

 55: Are you mean? 

I don’t think so. I can be mean at times, but I am not mean in the sense that I get joy from it and am mean regularly. 

56: How many people have you fist fought? 

zero. again, i don’t like fighting.

57: Do you believe in true love?

yes, I do. 

 58: Favorite weather? 

rain. 

59: Do you like the snow? 

yeah, but I don’t see it often. I could probably count the times I’ve played in snow on one hand.

60: Do you wanna get married? 

yes.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

Depends on my relationship with them. I have been called babe by dudes hitting on me and I hate that. But if it is someone I am close to, I don’t see why not, it’s them trying to show affection. though why they would like me is beyond me

 62: What makes you happy?

fandoms, music.

 63: Would you change your name?

maybe. I’ve thought about it, a lot. 

 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

YES, VERY HARD. Let’s just say that the last time I kissed someone, I wasn’t in the best mental health place and them giving me attention felt good. Looking back, they aren’t a good person and I hate myself for falling for all that. 

 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 

Seeing as how I am a lesbian, I’d tell them that I’m not interested, but I would love to still be their friend.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 

Yeah. He’s amazing. We both have crackhead energy, though he has more of it. 

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Same friend as the last question. We texted last night in a group chat.

 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My discord server and I have had a few deep conversations. I’d say them. 

 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 

I don’t really know. I guess? Yeah, I do. 

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

All of my close friends.

Welp, that’s done. Thank you so much for the laugh and the questions. I hope these answers of satisfying and if they arent, oh well. 

[eldritchsurveys]

739.

Basics. What is your name? >> Mordred. What is your favorite color? >> Gold. Your age: >> 32. Where do you live? >> Michigan, USA. Where were you born? >> New Jersey, USA.

Mention one fun fact about you: >> I was born with twelve fingers.

What is your marital status? >> Married. If taken, what is his/her name? >> Sparrow. Your primary hobby: >> I’m not sure I have any hobbies, per se. Lets go Deeper… Are you skinny, fit, overweight, or obese? >> Er. None of these, actually. Your heritage: >> --- Are your teeth spaced out or together? >> Mostly together. Do you have a secret phobia we should know? >> No.

Do you take any medication? >> No. Do you have any disorders? >> Probably. How strange do people say you are? >> People are generally not brazen enough to call me strange to my face, but I know well enough that I am strange. How is your home life? >> It’s all right. Out of all the places/situations I’ve lived (or... not lived, as it were...) in my life, this is definitely the best one in which to be quarantined. You have a job? Why or why not? >> No. Because I am wired strangely/badly enough to qualify for governmental assistance, and forcing myself to work the way most people work would most likely ruin at least 70% of the progress I’ve made on my mental well-being. Which isn’t a crazy amount of progress as it is, so, like, you know. Gotta secret you’d like to give out? >> No. Name a guilty pleasure: >> --- Do you have kids? >> No. Do you have pets? >> I don’t, personally, but I live with Sparrow’s. Do you have a nice relationship with your mom? >> I don’t have a relationship with that person. Do you have a nice relationship with your dad? >> Apparently, I do not have a relationship with this person, either. Any step-parents? If so, do you get along with them? >> --- If you go back in time once, what all would you change? >> --- Do you have any regrets? >> Nothing worth the above question, that’s for damn sure. Are you happy with life? Why or why not? >> I’m about as satisfied as I’m going to get, frankly. Some measure of discontent is to be expected, and I’m not going to waste my time trying to figure out what it is the black hole of my heart is wanting (or thinks it wants) now, because that’s the nature of a black-hole heart in the first place -- wanting. It’ll never stop. Name one UNIQUE characterstic about you: >> I exist in two realms at once and behave quite differently in both. In a Boy/Girl Are you straight, bisexual, gay/lesbian, or not sure? >> I’m not any of these. What do you like in the sex you’re attracted to? >> --- What’s something you don’t like about them? >> --- Would you cheat on your significant other for a million dollars? >> This doesn’t make any sense for my relationship(s) because “cheating” isn’t really a defined thing for us (and is a completely irrational concept Inworld). When do you think is the right time to have sex with someone? >> For me, who knows. Never, I assume. When do you think it’s the appropriate time to marry? >> Blahhhh, whenever, man. Who cares. What about having kids? >> ^ Are in an open relationship? If so, why? >> Yes. Because neither one of us is particularly interested in monogamy. It’s just not a useful framework for us (and I, for one, am completely clueless about what makes it so great, despite the fact that I’ve had its supposed charms relayed to me over and over through the media et al for my entire life... guess I just ain’t meant to get it). Name some turn-ons: >> Being an Inworlder. Name some turn-offs: >> Being an outworlder. (I’m being, like... 60% facetious.) Your opinion on smoking? >> I don’t have an “opinion” on smoking, Drinking? >> or drinking, Smoking Weed? >> or smoking weed, Doing any other illicit drugs? >> or doing drugs. It’s a person’s choice. If it begins to negatively affect my life, then I’ll make a determination on how to proceed based on that specific situation. Cheating? >> This isn’t a concept for me, I don’t care about it. Watching porn? >> Literally. Could not care less. Your Beliefs Are you pro-choice or pro-life? >> I am pro-choice, but I’m not going to argue with anyone about it. As long as abortion stays legal, it’s all good in the hood for me. Are you straightedge? >> Nope. What religion do you practice? >> I don’t. Believe in death row? >> I have no opinion about death row. I think it’s a fascinatingly complex argument (when argued well), and I don’t mind reading those arguments when they cross my path. But I, personally, don’t care to have an opinion. How should the court deal with murderers? >> I don’t have an opinion, dude. Your opinion on animal rights? >> Don’t have an opinion on this, either. I think life should be treated with respect and compassion, sure, but translating that to “I don’t think anyone should eat animals ever” or whatever doesn’t jive with me. That’s not what I think at all. Are you vegan or vegetarian? >> Nope. Do you believe in spanking [your] children? >> I would not spank a child. I was raised that way and it did not do me any favours. I find it extremely difficult to believe that hitting a child is in any way compatible with being the primary person that said child goes to for comfort, protection, guidance, and support. Health & Education Are you freaked out by Swine Flu? >> I’m not really freaked out by [updated for current events] COVID-19, mostly through a fault of imagination, I guess. But I am able to reason and rationalise, so I know I do not want to catch it and I should follow the directives given by public health organisations if I want to mitigate my chances of both catching and spreading it. Are you in college? >> No. What is your highest level of education? >> I graduated high school, somehow. What was/is your favorite subject in school? >> Choir. Did you have a lot of friends in grade school? >> No, I was the weird kid that even the other weird kids were glad to not be as weird as. Did you participate in any activities? >> No. Did you take Sex-Ed? >> I took a couple different versions of it, none of which were particularly illuminating. Worst part about high school: >> All the time I spent self-injuring and being in hospital for self-injuring. Also, just... high school itself. Best part about high school: >> I got nothin’. If you could go back to the 7th grade for a day, would you? >> Fuck no. Did you get your flu shot? >> Yeah. Have you ever had Chicken Pox? >> Nope. What about Rubella? >> Nope.

[kittyknowsthings]

Hey. I want to tell you that Gaud is a racist, pedo and lesbophobe among other horrible things. I have a link of a Google Doc compiling everything if you'd like to read it.

Hey yourself!

From what I have seen of Gaud, every time they have fucked up, and  fucking up is in human nature and not avoidable, they have been willing  to change and respond to feedback - when people explained to them how  bad the cult jokes were, they stopped, asked their followers to stop  as well and apologized for the pain they caused several times.

Notice I did not say "You are wrong" - I am not infallible, and may have missed things.

I am saying "The concerns you are expressing run counter to my experience with this person."

In general, if you have grievances with them, I suggest taking it up with them, but confronting people you are wary of can be very scary, so I shall try my best to address your concerns:

The  only trouble I ever saw them in with the lesbian community was over a  gentle useless lesbian meme that was A meant affectionately in a very  obvious manner and B they have apologized for.

Since they  have zero patience for child abusers of any kind, and are an abuse  survivor themselves, I find it very hard to believe they would sexually  abuse children or endorse others doing so.

I am white, and I am still working on unlearning the racism society imparted on me, and am therefore in no way qualified to comment on their racism or lack thereof, and will defer to tumblrs’ PoC community in this issue - in fact I’ll do some research of my own on that, shortly.

Guessing from your bio, you are still rather young, and nuance does not come easy to the young - hell, it doesn’t always come easy to the elders,  either, or anyone in between, especially for those of us on the spectrum who prefer clear rules and lines.  

You trusted my judgement enough to reach out to me with your concerns, and I appreciate that.  

Trust my judgement a bit further, okay?

You say you have evidence, and from the way you worded I presume you were not the one who compiled it. Have you read it critically?

Not in the sense of "finding fault", but in the sense of processing it in detail, the way you would a source for say, an English essay in school.

Who wrote it? What bias may they have had? Were they angry, sad, happy, vindictive when they wrote it? Are they trustworthy?

What was their intention in writing and sharing it? Are they attempting to present information to let you make up your own mind, or are they trying to change your mind?

Are they trying to present facts, or to elicit an emotional reaction from you and then capitalise on it?

Are they calling on you to protect yourself, or to go spread the word, or harass the person they are calling out?

Are things presented in context, or out of context? Is a personal vent treated as a PSA? Is a sleep-deprived joke made in poor taste presented as textual opinion? Was it something rude they said in the heat of the moment they've regretted, apologized for, and deleted since instead claimed to be current?

Are the posts in question both properly dated, and verifiable?

It is very easy to fake tumblr post screenshots (or, for that matter screenshots of tweets, facebook posts, or text messages) with even a limited grasp of HTML.

[image description: a screenshot of the ask from lleavethecity, with the text changed to say "I really like Jasper"]

Look at this screenshot where I edited your ask. You know that is not what you wrote to me, yet it took me less than a minute to make it look like you had. I could have changed this to something much more sinister, had I wanted. With a bit of extra effort, I could have taken a screenshot of the entire browser window, my entire desktop, or even lead someone to look at it on a screen-sharing service like teamviewer, and it still would have looked like that is what you have written me.

More insidiously, I could easily change smaller things as well - take a post that someone made years ago, and change the date to make it look recent instead -  that's just one of the many examples I could come up with.

Technology is only ever as good or bad as the people who are using it.

Who shared it with you, and what was their intention?

Do you trust their judgement on all things implicitly, or do they have their own biases to contend with?

Are you familiar enough with common cognitive fallacies like strawman arguments, moving the goalposts, or ad hominem-attacks to spot them when they are employed?

You need to do your research, and apply critical thinking to what you learn, to come to your own conclusions - one way or another.

[smol-gay-werewolf]

Tainted

I watch him carefully, just look at him! With his fancy suit and his golden hair, no wonder the entire female student body has a crush on him (Bar the lesbians and a-spec people). But not the men, oh no, that's my forte. Well obviously not the ones that don't swing that way but that's a given. Either way I'm the dark shadow figure that's caught the minds (and hearts) of most males in this school.

The one I want however, is just out of reach. When me and Tamaki sat down together he, knowing of my preferences decided that in order to keep the club professional, all members wouldn't be allowed to date each other. Although know he's regretting that since now he can't be with Haruhi. That's what I want to talk to him about, abolishing that rule. So I can date the person I like and so he can be with Haruhi. It's a foolproof plan, so I thought anyway...

When I ask him about it after the club, he refuses, declaring that all the rules he laid out were for good reason and to stop this exact thing from happening. I try bringing Haruhi up but he ignores me and even goes so far as to call me 'unprofessional' can you believe it??

So I guess I'll have to take matter into my own hands, and for that I need and unwitting victim...and somewhere that's not tied to ouran. I'm going to force Tamaki to abolish the rule, wether he likes it or not. I just need a little help from a stranger.

It's easy to convince the club to take a holiday to the quaint little town of Academi, it's an odd name but it is famous for its school and the murders that took place. When we arrive and check into our hotel I tell them I'm going for a walk, I spot a man in the park. Perfect.

I approach him and pretend to be lost, I ask him to show me to the nearest commoners ramen shop, which I know is down an alleyway. He politely agrees, this is turning out to be rather easy. While we walk I notice that he seems to be walking rather close to me, I begin to find it odd that he'd agree to show a stranger somewhere through an alley especially in a place known for murders. At least I know that he won't kill me but I have no real knowledge on who this man is. This night have been a bad deal, am I really willing to do all this just for Kaoru? He might not even like me back, I suppose obsession runs in my blood.

It's when we're halfway down the alley that I choose to strike, it seems he's had the same idea as I soon find myself pinned to a wall. I'm not exactly the strongest of people, I was counting on the element of surprise to be my aid. I stare at him with wide eyes, still completely committed to playing innocent. "S-sir? What are you doing?"

He chuckles a dark sound that sends shivers up my spine. He leans closer to me and I can feel his hot, damp breath on my neck. He smirks and licks his lips, holding my arms above my head with one hand while to other reaches into my pants...

"Oh don't you play like that baby boy~ It's clear that you were simply BEGGING for it~"

When the others find me and carry me back to the hotel I'm too shocked to notice. I stare into space the whole time as they put some clothes back on me and get me some tea. I can hear them taking to me, trying to get me to tell them what happened even though it's fairly clear.

After hours they still can't get me to talk, they end up leaving me alone to sleep. But I can't...I can't stop thinking about what happened, it was all my fault. This is karma. I was planning to use....That man to manipulate my friend into changing a rule I helped him make just so I can date someone who probably doesn't even like me. What's wrong with me? I boast about being admired by most of the male student body but when a man actually comes close to me I feel dirty. It's my fault, I deserve it.

When we all get back to ouran, I still haven't spoken a word. Tamaki escorts me home personally, all it does is make me feel worse. He explains everything to my father who orders the maids to lead my to my room and to ensure I remain in bed.

As I'm walking I can hear my father thanking Tamaki for telling him and it just doesn't feel right...I've never heard my father sound so distraught, was he disappointed in me for this? The maids try to help me into my pyjamas but I lady out and even strike one of them. "DON'T TOUCH ME!!!"

They back away, out of the room while apologizing profusely. It's me who should be apologising, I'm the one that lashed out...what's wrong with me? I manage to change into my slim shirt and bottoms on my own and get into bed, I curl up with my knees under my chin. I feel naked even with clothes on, I can see tiny droplet beginning to call onto the bedding. I think I'm crying....

My father walks in, he briefly knocks but I don't really process that. Behind him some of the maids are following him, they leave a tray on my bedside table. On the tray are small portions of all my favourite foods, even some foods that I'm not normally allowed, like gooey chocolate cake...

My father site on the edge of the bed, it's clear that he's not happy but for once I'm not sure his anger is directed at me. But you can never be sure... "Fa- Father...are you mad..?" He looks at me for a moments, shocked. "No of course not. Not at you anyway...Kyoya? I know this is probably a really bad thing to ask you but how do you feel?"

[terresdebrume]

2017: The take out.

I completed my first year in Cambodia, and started the second one. I started teaching French to really little kids which, even though I still have huge doubts about my abilities to do so efficiently, has been really cool so far. Highly stressful in many respects, but really cool. I met new people and succeeded in becoming pleasant acquaintances with them, if not friends (mostly my fault, let’s be honest). I visited new places. I went back to France and was surprised by a visit from my paternal grandfather (as well as my dad’s older brother + his wife and daughters). I got a new apartment, decorated it, got settled in it.

I lost friendships, mostly for stupid reasons, and subsequently discovered I could get along really well with people I didn’t know all that much before. I planned and then missed out on a weekend with elephants, and didn’t really go on vacations after, mostly through my own fault as well. I got a crush on a friend, told her about it (!) and then got over it when she wasn’t interested (as anyone should, really). I realized I wanted to be a guy. Was a guy. I’m still hovering between the two phrasings.

I told : Tumblr, my closest friend in all the world, a couple of other friends, my sister, my aunt and my mom about it, pretty much in that order. With mixed but never catastrophic responses. I bought myself a pair of binders. I tried them on and liked what I saw. I even went out with one on, once. I started seriously thinking about what transitioning would mean for me (and promptly have semi freakouts about it but, funnily enough, they’ve been fairly manageable so far). I wrote. I watched TV shows. I understood things about my own stories that I didn’t really get, or want to get, before. I got angry. I got hurt, physically and emotionally, but I recovered. I laughed. I cried, though only one of those time was the kind of ugly-choke crying I associate with really terrible mental state. I learned. I grew. I held on.

It was, in all honesty, not too bad at all.

It’s funny, how it feels, typing that. It wasn’t too bad at all. I don’t think I’ve eve thought back on a year and thought that. Not too bad at all. I think the closest I’ve come to before was ‘it could have been worse’ which, well. It usually means things could have been better, too. Things in 2017 could probably have been better, overall. I definitely feel like I’ve wasted too many hours on petty shit and the frustration linked to that, and there was this whole bit between August and October that didn’t really have the best mental landscape for me, but overall? I’ve had worse. I’ve had way worse. Probably, I will have worse again, but I don’t want to focus on that too much right now because, well. Like I said, it really wasn’t too bad. Which is pretty cool when the baseline I’m used to is ‘it sucked, but it could have sucked more’.

I have some regrets. Things I said that I shouldn’t have said, things I didn’t do that I could have done (even if, in some case, I’m not sure exactly what those things are, but I could probably have done them). I have doubts, too. I’m way less certain about the trans thing than I sound here. I’m not sure how it’ll go over with the rest of my family. I’m not sure how it’ll go over at my work, especially since I work with children, and I’m hoping it won’t come to that but I’m also bracing myself for having to change job/country at some point in the future. I still have trouble knowing what I want, and I’m navigating the guy think the same way I’ve navigated everything else in my life so far: going by what I don’t want. I don’t want people to tell me I don’t really want it (I wonder about it often enough). I don’t want to try and shove myself inside femininity again. I don’t want to wear dresses. I’m not opposed to wearing more feminine shirts and clothes, but they make people call me ma’am and I don’t particularly want that. I don’t want to stop changing until I have a definite answer, because I know myself well enough by now that I know it’s not going to happen anyway. I guess I want to keep going and see how it goes, whether the newfound optimism that came with that realization (in a way that it didn’t when I started identifying as a lesbian, btw) keeps strong or not.

I’m...not sure where I’m going with this post. I feel like there are so many things I left behind this year, things I never imagined I’d ever loose or even reduce. I thought I’d be an uncomfortable mess my whole life. That I’d keep feeling like a fraud everywhere I went and that I’d keep doubting myself and what I had to bring to the world. I still do that, occasionally. I’m not sure it’s ever entirely going to go away. But now...well, now I have a potential endgame in sight. I have something to look forward to that’s way, way better than a nebulous ‘maybe one day’ and that’s...actually pretty cool. I feel like I was dragging a mountain of shit behind me, trying to progress while tied down and now...well, I’m not flying yet but things feel so much easier now. So much more real.

I used to have these moments when I...wasn’t entirely in control of me. Like I was just a fixed axis, a soul frozen in immobility while my body and the rest of the world twisted and jumped and moved on around me. I used to have these moments where I could feel and not feel my body at the same time, like the information came from really far away. Like I was looking in the mirror and saw someone else’s face—like I was one of those characters trapped in a mirror, seeing my features and my body moving but it wasn’t quite me. I used to be resigned about my body being an independent entity I was never going to be fully able to control, like it had a particular desire for freedom and its own idea about what it should be, look, feel like. I haven’t felt like that since late October which is, incidentally, when I tentatively started thinking of myself as a guy.

It’s funny because it changed nothing. And yet, it changed everything.

I feel like I’ve been running a marathon for years and years and years, and I’m finally reaching the end. Well, maybe not the end, but a water booth or something. Like I’ve been trudging through an ocean of shit with my nose barely poking out and now I’m finally reaching the upward slope to shore. It’s going to be a slow one, and a long walk, but you know. There’s progress. There’s land on the horizon. It’s. I’m not sure how to describe this in a way that makes sense, really. Let’s just say I’m being very, very emotional in front of my laptop right now and for once, for freaking once, it’s a good thing. Man, what a change from all the time I ended up spilling pain and despair over here and crying from it. I love it.

Also. I don’t know how many people will bother to read this until the end because it’s not like I reach out to people a lot, so I’m not sure who will see this but. I do want to thank you guys. Like, all of you who read this, and all of the others who don’t but who are here, on Tumblr, every day, and who send a little heart-shaped nudge in my direction sometimes. I know everyone likes to say this website is a cesspit of shit but honestly Tumblr has been such a great place for me from the very first day, and I owe it all to you guys. Thank you for sending important information and dumb cat gifs my way. Thank you for sharing your stories, your art, your thoughts and making the end of hard days brighter. Thank you for laughing at my ridiculous post sometimes, and thank you for being supportive of who I am, always. There hasn’t been a single time this year where I got a negative response to what I said regarding myself and my life, and even the rebuttals I did deserve were always kind and pretty composed, which we all know take an awful lot of effort.

Thanks for giving me a place to vent, and learn, and escape when I need to. You’re pretty rad, and I don’t think this year would have been as good as it was without you.

Here’s to a 2018 with probably as much political bullshit as we saw this year, but always with a place we can go back to in order to feel better.