#it kinda reminded me of the ''you are a tar pit'' thing but in a different way

[grymmdark]

my sister just dropped a whole rant on how she's not gonna vote in the next election and how everything is fucked politically etc. and it was all so depressing and nihilistic i just dont know how to respond. like yeah that stuff sucks i agree but giving up isn't gonna make it suck less.

she went on about how if the republicans do win that'd somehow make the democrats actually get their shit together when in reality it wouldn't cus it'd only make them look better without having to put the actual work in.

and yeah unfortunately the Democrats know that people will vote blue no matter who and so can get away with shitty and mediocre candidates, but part of the issue is that the democrats have so little power that people dont get to be picky. if people didn't have to scramble for whatever democratic candidate to attempt to stop republicans, and instead we could be more confident that a democrat would get elected then they could get to be picky.

[narrators-journal]

Also day 5 for illumi with fem reader plz if that’s ok

I’m so sorry if this is garbage, I’ve rewritten this whole thing or large swaths so much in the week I’ve been waiting for this new laptop...I tried to keep this a dialogue-less work, rely on sensations and description, y’know? As well as, once again, lean into the monster fucking vibes like the lovecraft ask lol. But, I couldn’t pick a monster to make Illumi, so I kinda just ended up picking one at semi-random and going forward with it. I hope you enjoy regardless of any of that jank!

CW: Monsterfucking, somnophilia, noncon by extension, breeding kink, breaking and entering, please be very careful if you read this, lovelies, I don’t want to trigger anyone with the set up.

The moon sat, a cat scratch in the dark blue sea of stars. In a way, it felt as if the moon had closed her eyes to plead ignorant of the tall, slim man with a waterfall of silky, tar-colored hair and dark, bottomless pits for eyes that slipped into the window of a woman he’d observed for weeks before. Not that Illumi Zoldyck particularly cared, his focus was on the subtle sounds of the home shifting and the residents of the night.

Once he was certain of the stillness, his tail softly slid the window shut behind him. From there, the demon took a deep breath of the air inside of the house, Good, she’s alone tonight. That means her waking up doesn’t matter.He thought at the only fresh scent in the air was that of the woman he pursued. Any partners or room mates had surely been gone for that day.

So, with the skills of a honed predator, Illumi crept through the quiet home. Weaving around furniture, making his way to her room with no hesitation. After all, he’d done his research. He’d studied his prey, admired the way she lived, and noting her habits. That was how Illumi had decided that this particular woman would be the next human to carry his young.

A process the demon had gone through many times before. After all, as a demon of his status, he was expected to secure his next generation. Yet, as he silently inched open the door of this woman, bringing into sight the body laying bonelessly in her bed, something warmer simmered in his gut. Something...softer than the cold, calculated emptiness he always had when breeding a woman. Something he shoved back down into the dark pits of his stomach with a swish of his tail before he climbed onto the bed to loom over the sleeping form of the woman he’d been stalking for those long weeks. His bottomless eyes drinking in every detail of her figure as if the room wasn’t merely lit by the meager streams of watery light from the curtained window.

That advantage allowed Illumi to note how the woman beneath him wasn’t dressed in the most modest of manners. Only a large, baggy shirt hiding the top part of her body from the eyes of any potential intruders, her legs completely bare save for the comforter tangled around her legs. So, what type of demon would Illumi be if he passed up the obvious invitation? So, he let his clawed hand slide over the soft skin of her belly, feeling her breathing against his palm until his fingertips reached the elastic edge of her panties.

The warmth of a human body always made the long-haired demon hum, despite the number of women he’d slept with in his many years haunting the human race. Yet, the allure of such a warm body was curbed each time by how long on the feeding chain humans were. A demon like me can’t afford to court such a fragile being. He reminded himself, I’m solely here to breed, that’s all she’s worth. But, at the same time, the sight of this woman laying on her back, so vulnerable, her hair a mess on her pillow, her face so peaceful...The inky-haired man couldn’t deny that something about her figure, or maybe the soft scent of her perfume stirred up a darker sensation within his chest.

Not that the man acknowledged it. He simply focused back in on his fingers as they ran along her clothed slit to tease out the slick arousal he needed for an easy penetration. Only for a soft whimper to slip from the woman’s lips.

A simple noise, Illumi had heard humans make plenty of lustful noises in their sleep before. However, this one, while quiet, hit him differently. Something about it had struck some deep, primitive part of Illumi’s brain and stirred up a slew of frivolous feelings in his gut. Feelings that got swiftly shoved back down into the depths of his soul. All he granted such stupid musings was a shake of his head before he forced himself to, once again, focus on the body beneath him. After all, the only emotion he allowed for such a fragile, mortal being was the arousal he felt trickle into his groin.

The human woman hadn’t woken up, though, she simply laid there, so helplessly. A hand laid limply beside her face, her breathing slow and deep. So, Illumi let out a slow breath, his tail coming forward to gently slice the sides of her underwear so the demon could gently pull them off to toss aside into the darkness of her room before adjusting himself over her. And, once he was lined up with her lightly drooling cunt, he pushed into her.

And, despite all of his experience deflowering humans, the warmth that constricted around him this time drew out a groan from the ravenette. His tail flicked as he froze, Illumi’s bottomless eyes back on the woman who sat caged in by his arms to study her peaceful face for any sign of disturbance.

Thankfully, the beautiful woman still hadn’t woken up, only resituated on the bed beneath Illumi. So, he slowly began to move. His initial thrusts gentle and shallow, his only goal, so far, slipping his cock further into the twitching warmth of her body. Yet, when soft moans began to trickle out of those soft lips, those gentle noises stirred up a fresh wave of animalistic desires. And this time, they weren’t as easy for Illumi to squash down.

Breed her, claim her. Breed her, claim her. A small, feral voice in his head chanted, gasoline to the fire of desire that licked at him from the inside. All mine, I need to make her mine. And, as if the mortal had somehow read the demon’s mind, her muscles squeezed his cock. A silent invitation, a dare, to simply plow into her. She’s mine, who cares if she wakes up? That voice continued, all the while, Illumi’s thrusts sped up from a cautious pace, to a deeper, quicker one that focused more on sating that lustful itch under the demon’s skin, than avoiding his partner waking.

Not that Illumi could be blamed, right? He had stumbled across some succubus, or temptress in his search for another mother of his children. After all, that was the only explanation for how dizzy the tight friction of her pussy left him. Illumi had snuck into the bed of countless human women, so for a woman’s sleepy moans to worm into his head and fill his brain with a fog of such a lewd nature, she couldn’t be human.

Yet, even those thoughts became a struggle for the inky-haired demon to grasp. With each schlick and slap of his cock diving back into his lover’s eager warmth and his hips meeting hers, his thoughts became fuzzier, Until, all that was left in his head was that primal chant of breed her, claim her. Breed her, claim her. Breed her, claim her. To slowly increase the all-encompassing need that pulsed through him and tighten the coil in his belly. And, when that spring finally snapped, all he could do was clench his jaws and wrap his tail around her plump thigh to squeeze and anchor him to her to ride out the onslaught of dizzying feelings.

Again, Illumi Zoldyck was no stranger to the thrill of orgasm, whether or not his human lovers climaxed was never a focus, but pumping them full of his own sperm was always the goal. After all, it was his duty as the eldest of his siblings to ensure he spread his seed as far as he could. Yet, again, there was something different about the monsoon that swept him up this time.

It simply felt stronger. The waves of bliss didn’t simply rock him, they all but tore him to bits. Dragging him into the depths of pleasure so deeply that his vision turned white. And, for the first time in...possibly ever, Illumi had to take a long few moments to recompose himself before he could finally pull out of the sleeping woman and get to his feet.

[not-me-simping-for-blasty]

Wrong Number, Asshole - A Bakugou Katsuki Soulmate AU

All Parts

Part 18:

“That’s pretty much all I got from him,” You sighed, picking at your fingernails. “That he doesn’t want me to know because other people talk bad about him.”

“That’s...” Selene trailed off, seemingly just as lost for words as you were.

Your best friend was making tea for the both of you, bustling around her kitchen as you spoke. Truthfully, you were thankful she invited you over. You didn’t think you could process this information by yourself.

You’d been going back and forth over it all day, trying to decide whether or not it was your place to share what you knew with Selene. You wanted to keep sacred the trust Bakugou had in you, but on the other hand, the longer you thought about his words the more worried you became. Deliberating on it further wouldn’t help you, but maybe talking about it would?

Either way, you just decided to cut your losses. Maybe a stronger woman could’ve kept this too herself and been fine, but you simply weren’t her.

“Yeah. I know.” You responded, falling back against her couch, and slumping into the armrest. “I have no idea what to do with that. I mean, I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I can’t come up with any scenario that’s good.”

“Yeah. I can see that.” She nods, bringing your mug over to you.

“It’s just- I can only think of two reasons why that’d upset him so much, right?” You sip your tea. “One- he’s just being overly dramatic about it, but honestly, considering Bakugou’s reactions, that doesn’t seem to be the case. And two...”

You wrung your hands nervously. Selene only sat down next to you, a hand on your shoulder urging you to continue.

“Or h-he’s a bad guy. A really bad guy.” You spoke, suddenly sick to your stomach. “Like, a criminal or something. I mean, that’s the only way right? He said people talked about him, a lot, using his name, and then said I could look him up and find bad things, so that has to mean he’s like comitting crimes right? That he’s probably not good, and he’s got a record, because why else would anyone talk that badly about him, so much to the point where it’s synonymous with his name, if he didn’t do something horrific?”

You pulled your knees up to your chest, curling your arms protectively around them. Saying all of this out loud made you feel sick, but you truly couldn’t think of another explanation.

“Maybe...” Selene tried, but she seemed to be coming to your same conclusions as well. “Yeah. That’s- I can’t think of another reason either.”

“Yep.” You admitted defeatedly.

Silence fell over the room as you sipped from your mug. You tea was piping hot, nearly boiling, but it didn’t make you feel any warmer. You were cold, and you couldn’t stop your fingers from trembling.

You wanted to believe he was good, and you still sort of did from your personal interactions with Bakugou- But if looking up his name would show you a record of all his past actions, and if he was ashamed of them? Then how good could your soulmate really be?

It made you sick to think about. You’d wanted to save people and help them and do good your entire life- you didn’t think you’d be able to handle learning that your soulmate didn’t feel the same. That he hurt people instead.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Selene slug an arm around you, pulling you into her side. “Maybe- maybe it’s a misunderstanding, you know? Have you tried talking to him again about it?”

“No. Can’t.” You pull your phone from your back pocket, opening your messages to him. “Look what he sent me this morning.”

“He sent that at 5? In the morning?” Selene asks. “That’s.....”

“Suspicious.” You huffed, grabbing your phone from her and turning it off. “You don’t have to tell me. I know.”

“Y/n,” Selene lays her head on yours, squeezing you close to her. “I’m sorry. I-I know you were excited about him.”

“Yep. I was.” You wrap your arms tighter around yourself. “You know what’s even worse though?”

“What?”

“I-I think I meant it when I told him I’d like him anyway.” You confessed quietly. “Even if I did find out he was bad, I-I’m not sure I’d stop talking to him.”

Selene didn’t say anything, only pulling you even closer as you sniffled.

If thinking about Bakugou’s words made you feel sick, your own feelings made you downright nauseous. You truly didn’t think you’d be able to stop talking to him- you were already far too attached.

You couldn’t explain it either: why you already felt so, so, tied to him.

All you knew was you’d been waiting your entire life to be as happy as Bakugou made you. All you knew was that the sound of his voice made your heart jump and settle at the same time. All you knew is that your soul was finally being completed- and, selfishly, so, so, selfishly you weren’t sure you could ever give that up.

Selene leaned forward, grabbing her TV remote off the coffee table in front of you.

“Don’t. Please.” You sighed. “I love you, but I really don’t want to watch your trashy reality shows right now.” 

“I’m not, I’m not, don’t worry,” She knocks her shoulders lightly into yours. “Just local news for background noise.”

You groaned.

“What?” She asked, looking at you a little strangely. “Did Bakugou give you a problem with the news now, too?” 

“No, this- it’s not about him.” You rubbed at your eyes tiredly. “I still have that project remember? I usually watch the news for inspiration, so it just reminded me of it ‘sall.” 

“Oh, okay. You want me to turn it off?”

“No, it’s fine- it’s already on.” You curled into yourself just a bit more, voice tired and depressed as you felt. “Might as well just watch the hero stuff just incase I suddenly, like, get divine inspiration or something.”

“Oh my- you make it sound like you’re doomed!” She nudged you playfully. “C’mon, Y/n we can watch it together. You never know, maybe both of our single brain cells can think of something.” 

You just huffed a laugh, taking another sip of your tea and focusing on the TV.

On screen was another disaster scene, except this time in Jaku City. The city was decimated- buildings were turned sideways, smoke and fire were billowing, and loud explosions could be heard. There was another tar monster, but this time it was a lot larger than the one in Hosu. It was a black, twitching, fluid mass of poison that sucked up everything in it’s path, and seemed to be resistant to almost all attacks. 

There were multiple heroes on the scene, but it was all the same top pros you’d been seeing for what felt like years now. You recognized Deku, Shoto, and Uravity all working together, attacking and regrouping in the fray. It didn’t seem like they were making any progress, though. 

“Top pros have been working to stop the threat for hours now, but almost no progress has been made,” A reporter suddenly stepped into the frame, face visibly anxious. “They’ve been at it since early in the morning, but there has been virtually no change since they first infiltrated the hideout....”

You zoned out. You didn’t know who you were kidding, you couldn’t get anything done. Your brain just couldn’t seem to focus on anything but your soulmate. 

—/—

Bakugou still hadn’t texted you, and it’d been three days. You’d check your phone almost constantly, hoping and praying for even a single buzz, but it never made a difference.

On the fourth day, you texted him.

You don’t know what made you send the last two texts. You couldn’t explain it, even to yourself- but something just felt wrong. 

Bakugou hadn’t missed a single text from you since the very first day you contacted him. He might’ve been angry, and harsh, and volatile, but he was consistent. Even if he’d complain the entire time, he’d answer you, he always did. And if you didn’t contact him first, then he reached out to you. Either way, he was always around for you.

But not this time. 

Days went by and your texts stayed unread. There was a pit in your stomach, one that was steadily growing by the hour, and by the end of that week you felt like you were gonna cry. Every second was spent worrying, you couldn’t focus, and your school work was suffering. Nothing seemed to make you feel better. You weren’t sure when you let him burrow so far into your heart, but he was there now, and there was no use denying it. 

Your earlier questions about who he was, and whether or not he was good, seemed to fade entirely. You just wanted to hear his voice again. You just missed him. The ache you carried with you became a solid thing- sitting cold and heavy on top of a heart that had just learned how to be warm and weightless. You hurt, everywhere, and all you wanted was for him to be okay. 

Your phone was never far away, in your hands or pocket every second of the day- even when you fell asleep. But it didn’t matter. You phone never rang no matter how much you willed it to.

-/---

lmao this is kinda short,, but the original draft was wAY too long so i had to split it ahaha

[zozophoenixxx]

Friendly reminders about The Flash⚡️

Things I had forgotten or little details I just noticed on my rewatch, maybe even Unpopular Opinions 🤭👀

✨Season 2✨

After closing the wormhole, team flash went separate ways, Cisco started working with the police and Caitlin went to work at Mercury labs.

Atom Smasher, Sand Demon, Dr. Light, The Turtle, King Shark,🦈 Tar Pit :/, Geomancer, trajectory, Rupture (Dantes doppelganger)

Patty Spivot 🤭🥺❤️

The first person Cisco told about his visions was Martin Stein and only because he figured it out lmao

Caitlin with bangs 🤩

Harry Harry Harry Harry Harry HARRY HARRY 😂

Iris was very supportive of Linda whenever she was being attacked by Dr Light even though they didn't really like each other when Barry was dating her. 🥺

Caitlin was mind controlled by Grodd because he wanted her to "repeat Grodd" (make more like him)

She also punched Cisco 🤭😂

Cisco and Kendra (Hawkgirk - the Egyptian priestess that reincarnated and was killed and reincarnated and was killed and yadda yadda yadda) were actually kinda cute

Patty shot Harry and Jay saved him by using velocity-6

Cisco's sarcasm in The Turtle episode is hilarious istg 😂

Whenever Barry was gonna tell Patty he was The Flash Cisco was super supportive just bc she shot King Shark and Harry

I was actually pretty hurt when Patty and Barry broke up 🥺

Cisco created the meta human social media app

Wally OMG Wally I HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT WALLY

Wally was a street racer🏎

Iris is such a badass bro I love her. we all know this already but still 🥴

Ok but I felt really bad when Harry confessed that he was stealing Barry's speed and Joe punched him (I also laughed😂🤭) but like he actually felt bad which shows that's he's not like the OG Wells at all- he just did it to get his daughter back ✋🏼😖🥺

Barry's such a bean I swear I love him so much like wtf even when he was betrayed he still knew that Wells did it for a reason and still knew that he had to help him and couldn't just give up on him, his daughter or E-2

This scene⬇️

BAHAHAHA I love them

Also E-2 was super cool like it was a mix with modern and old I just love it

Iris is a cop and Joe is a singer in E-2 ✋🏼😌

That scene where Barry talks to his mom in E-2 (bc he took the place of his doppelganger) is really sweet and super emotional and I-

Joe and Barry don't like each other in this earth

OMG ALSO y'all probably know this already but the names on the phone at Iris and Barry's house on E-2 are of other DC heroes ⬇️⬇️ and well Eddie🥺😖

Well Jay just died :/ The first time I saw it I was super sad but then I got super upset bc he ended up being evil and the fact that he played with Caitlin and then kidnapped her made me hate him even more like my girl deserves happiness

Caitlin forcing Cisco tell her about her E-2 doppelganger was hilarious (King Shark ep)

Zoom first takes off his mask in that King Shark ep

Bro the fact that Barry took his time to get a "Happy Birthday" video from Eddie for Iris when he traveled back in time 🥺❤️

The Runaway Dinosaur 🥺🦖

You guys, that scene where Caitlin keeps getting visions of Zoom and Cisco comforts her is so sweet, I love their friendship

Did y'all hear that? It was my heart breaking when Henry died... I hate Jay 😩😡😤😞

Ok but seeing John Wesley Shipp (Barry's dad and Jay Garrick from E-3) with the flash's suit and with powers it's so-

OK I never really shipped them that much (don't get me wrong I love them) BUT WEST-ALLEN JUST HAD THEIR FIRST KISS AND I'M definitely not freaking out

[mintea-in-space]

Tar In His Veins Chapter 5

God it was dark. Why was it so dark? Lydia strained her eyes, struggling to see in the pitch black.

It reminded her of the Netherworld.

Too much.

She heard more than felt her boots hitting the floor, arms pumping.

Running.

Somewhere.

Anywhere but here.

She knew tears were streaming down her face, as she ran blindly in the dark. But where could she go? Her dad wasn’t here, and her mom was gone.

No one could save her this time.

A pin prick of light snatched her attention.

There! A person! Maybe? No, for sure!

She ran faster, breaths coming out in huffs, combat boots thumping with every step.

She almost sobbed when she saw stripes.

It was him, he was here! In the light! She locked her gaze to his striped back.

Just get to your demon, then you can figure out how to leave this awful place. Just get to Beej-

She stopped when he slowly turned.

He wasn’t right.

His eyes were swimming voids of green, hair white, face blank.

Empty.

Lydia’s heart dropped to her boots.

She took a step back.

And he took one forward.

“Beej? Beej what’s going on?”

She whispered.

No answer. Just that blank stare.

“Okay Beej that’s enough! You’re kinda freaking me out here! And not in the good way!”

Another step forward.

Another step back. She shuffled back until she felt her back hit an invisible wall. Her ears were ringing. And it smelled.

It smelled like death.

He just kept walking. Black beaded at Beetlejuice’s tear ducts, and suddenly it overflowed. It dripped, black ooze, welling in his eyes. It streaked down his cheeks, smearing dirt and grime and makeup on his face.

Lydia felt her breath catch in her throat. Frozen with fear, while the shell of her best friend shuffled closer.

“Beej please.”

It came out in a whisper.

Tears fell down her own cheeks, fear twisting with confusion.

Beetlejuice shuddered to a halt.

Opening his mouth, black dripped from his maw, sliding down his chin.

And then it was a stream, then bigger, until it poured out of him. It just wouldn’t stop. It pooled around her feet, and she felt it rise.

No.

No no no nonononononNONONONONONO!

She was going to drown. The viscous liquid was at her knees now. And still he stared.

It just kept coming. And she was trapped.

It was at her waist now, clinging to her skirt and legs, thick, like ink.

Or blood.

She finally turned and slammed her fist against the invisible walls around her, crying, screaming.

She was up to her arm pits, the blood trapping her arms under it, she couldn’t move, it was everywhere, and just before she went under, she saw his face twist into fear.

He gargled the words.

“I’m sorry Lydia.”

And she sucked in a lungful of black.

She woke up screaming, flailing around, eyes wild in her head. Beetlejuice, who had phased through the floor as soon as he heard screaming, almost got a punch to the face.

“Whoa kid! Kid what’s wrong?! What happened?!”

Grabbing her wrists, he gently rubbed the back of her hands. Beej hoped she couldn’t tell he was shaking.

The Maitlands had brought him up to the attic. They showed him to a couch they had placed in the corner, and gave him several blankets, most of which he was sure one of them made. They let him get settled, arranging the blankets to form a nest of sorts, before he smiled. His hair was dusty pink on the tips, just barely there, but Barbara caught it. They smiled at him, before whispering that they were right across the hall, and that their door was always open. He tried not to get his hopes up, but it was hard. The two were so kind, and vibrant.

Beetlejuice didn’t know the dead could look so bright.

So he did his best to sleep.

It wasn’t easy.

The Netherworld didn’t exactly have a lot of warm beds and safe feelings.

No, you always felt the nagging feeling you were lost, that something was wrong. And he sure as hell never slept with his mother around.

“Demons don’t need sleep you worthless excuse of a man!”

Juno’s voice still echoed in his mind.

Shuddering, he snuggled further into his nest.

“Just close your eyes Beej,” he mumbled. “Just close your eyes and relax. It’s warm, you’re safe, everything is-“

The first high pitched whine hit his ears. Startled, Beetlejuice whipped off the blanket covering his head, looking around.

That came from downstairs.

Ears twitching, he sat up further, straining to hear another sound.

The moan shot through him like a bullet, and just like that he phased out of the nest and straight through the floor.

Lydia was still on the couch. Charles hadn’t wanted to risk moving her and waking her up, so he had simply draped a quilt over her and let her sleep.

But her face was twisted. She let out short breaths, hands and legs twitching in her sleep. She let out little mumbles, and he couldn’t make out many words. Just a few ‘no’s’ and ‘please’s’.

Beetlejuice did the only thing he could think of.

He knelt by the couch, and waited.

He knew what night terrors are. It’s hard not to, living with Juno. But he knew that usually, it could be bad, even dangerous to try and wake someone up during one. So he just put a hand on her arm and waited.

It was torture.

He couldn’t do anything, even when Lydia’s eyes rolled behind her lids, when the little mumbles became words, then shouts. And the thrashing. Hair white, hands shaking, he just tried to hold her through it. And when she finally woke up he could have sobbed.

“Whoa kid! Kid what’s wrong?! What happened?!”

Lydia ripped herself from him. His hair was the same as before, a stark white. She trembled.

Confused, and hurt, Beej pulled away, sickly yellow creeping into his hair. Shit he messed up this time. He should go. They wanted him to stay until Lydia woke up except now she was scared of him.

Lydia Deetz.

Scared.

Of him.

He curled on himself, or at least he tried to, thoughts forming a blizzard in his head. But Lydia launched herself off the couch and into his arms. She was shaking.

He gingerly put his arms around her, and when she didn’t pull away, he tightened his grip on her shirt.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.”

It was muffled, face pressed into his shirt. Puzzled, the demon shook his head.

“I’m sorry, you’re sorry? I clearly did something! Lyds you’re shaking. I know night terrors can be a bitch, trust me I’ve been there, but I’m the one who should be sorry! God you were scared of me! You’ve never been scared of me! I-“

Lifting her head she glared at him, effectively shutting him up. With a sigh, she pulled away, wiping her face of tears.

“It wasn’t you Beej. It was just... never mind.”

Oh no, that wouldn’t do. Beetlejuice, master of communication, can’t let that one go!

“No tell me. I wanna know. Is it a person? Someone I can kill? Or scare at least? Come on kid just point me in the right direction and they’ll wish they were never born!”

Lydia snorted.

“No Beej it isn’t a person. Really, it’s fine, been having these stupid nightmares for weeks.”

He furrowed his brows. A third arm sprouted from his back to scratch his chin, pretending to be deep in thought.

“Hmmmm, that’s miiiighty suspicious Watson. Don’t think I can let you off that easy.”

He smiled at the giggle he got, then frowned when she looked away.

He waited, letting her make the first move. He knew how to read his best friend, and he knew it would eat at her from the inside if she didn’t talk about it, so he waited.

Picking at the hem of her skirt, Lydia kept her eyes glued to her lap.

“It was the Netherworld.”

Oh.

Oh.

“I was just, running. And it was empty,” her hands fisted in her skirt. “Until you showed up. But it wasn’t you. It was wrong. And shit Beej all this black came out of your mouth and then I was drowning and-“

Beetlejuice snatched her, gripping her tightly. He really was a fuck up. Fuck... Fuck!! He always did this!! He didn’t even know how he showed up here, it was a miracle, but he just, messed up this kid, this perfectly strange and unusual normal kid. Fuck he-

“Beej I can’t breathe.”

He loosened his grip and buried his nose in her hair.

She smelled like flowers. Funeral flowers. He took a moment to just, feel her there. Hold her and keep her safe. His bffff forever, his little scarecrow.

Finally he sighed, and let her wiggle out of his arms.

“Beej you’re turning blue bud.”

His hand flew to his hair, before he gave her a look.

“Did you just call me bud?!”

She laughed.

“Maybe, what are you gonna do about it, friendo?”

“Oh my god you sound like Adam.”

“Shut up!” She playfully shoved an elbow in his side, grinning when he groaned and fell over.

“Oh god. You killed me. Holy shit. I’m gonna die now. Look at me Lyds, I’m actually dying.”

Giggling, Lydia nudged him with her foot.

“Dead people don’t talk dumbass.”

Gasping with fake offense, Beej dramatically draped himself across the floor.

“I can’t believe it, I trusted you! And now, I die!”

And he finished with a loud “bleerrghfh” before sticking his tongue out. Lydia flicked his forehead.

“End scene genius.”

With a poof of green smoke, he was standing, bowing deeply with a bouquet of frankly horribly ugly flowers while she clapped. Beetlejuice dropped back down to the floor, smiling.

“Glad you’re okay Lyds.”

She mock gagged.

“Ugh don’t you get mushy on me. Gross.”

Giggling, the two bantered for a while, just sitting on the floor. Beetlejuice was happy, he got to see her again, and she was happy, not all that panicked crying and screaming before.

He tried to bury the nagging voice in his head, telling him it wouldn’t last, they’d kick him out eventually, they’ll get sick of you Lawrence. Nobody loves you Lawrence.

And he just flipped off the voice that sounded like his mom. Because Lydia was warm and laughing at his jokes, and he could see that spark in her eye that he missed. And she got him.

Arguing with him was easy. Lydia knew he could read her like an open book, and she could do the same to him. He was like a brother, or weird uncle. Brunkle? Oh god he would love that.

The demon in question looked at her when she had gone silent in thought, head just barely tilted. Beetlejuice cocked his own, tapping her feet.

“Okay spill, whatcha plotting?”

“I was thinking about how you’re like a brother, or an uncle,” she snorted. “And then I thought of Brunkle and I realized you’d love that.”

Looking at him, his eyes were shining. And knowing him, they were literally shining. He beamed, and Lydia braced herself. He wrapped his arms around her, more times than humanly possible, and cooed.

“Awwww! You do care about me! I’m a brunkle!! Oh man, look at me now ma!! I can’t believe it this is such an honor!”

A large obnoxious trophy materialized in his hands. Beej dabbed his eyes with a handkerchief pulled from nowhere, and blew his nose like a trumpet.

“You know? This really is the best day of my life! Being promoted is such an amazing feeling! Oh Lydia how can I ever thank you?!”

Laughing, she punched his arm.

“Shut up nerd!”

“No you shut up!”

“Nu-uh! I said it first!”

“I said it second!”

And the two bickered. Adam walked sleepily down the stairs to find the two of them still on the floor of the living room, sun just barely peeking through the curtains. He watched for a few moments, smiling.

They went back and forth, flicking foreheads, elbowing sides, giggling about something or other.

Adam felt his heart swell with affection, and it took him by surprise. Watching them, watching how Beetlejuice was with Lydia, really cemented what he thought of him.

That demon had a heart of gold, and he was going to find a way to polish it until it shone.

Wait that didn’t make sense. Or did it? Hm. He wasn’t sure, but he knew what he meant and that’s what mattered.

Smiling, Adam quietly made his way back upstairs, letting the two talk. He knew once Delia was up it would be time for breakfast, and he wanted to give them some alone time. He gently ushered Barb back up the stairs and into their bedroom, carefully closing the door behind them.

[antagonisms]

BASICS

Name: Evan Czarnecki

Gender & pronouns: cis male, he/him

Species: werewolf

Age: 27. Jokes about being 63, because he was a wolf for 6 years, which is 42 dog years + those 21 normal human years. Either way, age is a really weird concept now.

PERSONALITY

Traits: Pretends to be flippant to put the world at a distance. Vulgar as a means of distancing himself from genuine vulnerability. Perceptive, but won’t let you know that. More self-aware than he lets on. Self-absorbed. Self-destructive. Loves being seen, hates being known.

Moral alignment / MBTI / enneagram: Chaotic neutral. INTP-A. 5w6.

Values: In other people, he likes independence, open-mindedness, the ability to dress well, a lack of tolerance for bullshit, genuine altruism, and resilience.

Flaws: Judgmental. Narcissistic as a defense mechanism. Occasionally rude, but mostly just cheeky. Not a team player. Reckless. Hedonistic. The brokest bitch in Blackrock.

HISTORY 

( shorter version is in the app. i just like details. trigger warnings for child abuse and sex as self harm.)

1) CHILDHOOD

You had a family, once. Your mother’s a piano teacher and your father is — you don’t know, really, but he’s got enough old money to buy nice things even if he’s stingy on principle. He’s polite, and she’s funny, and your fellow patrons at Sunday Mass love all three of you because you’re down-to-earth, surface-level beautiful — a perfect American family.

But they don’t know what happens inside the too-big house at the foot of the mountain. Your mother’s a pessimist, and your father’s a sniveling piece of shit who copes with his worthlessness by making everybody feel small. He’s kinda good at it. They’re both as loud as they are erratic and it’s all a matter of bracing yourself for when the floor inevitably falls through. You make do, mostly. You hide in your room. You lock the door. You put your ears behind headphones. You drown out their screaming matches and your too-loud mind. 

It all falls apart when Mommy decides she hates Daddy more than she loves you. No goodbye. No explanation. She just leaves. 

Her departure plants a lesson you will later find impossible to uproot: love is earned, Evan, you’re not working hard enough. At least your father stayed. At least he sometimes loved you. At least, you think so. He might have loved you when he took you fishing, or gave you that book you really liked, or when he buys you clothes that look really nice. You flip through your mother’s old sheet music and fumble through the piano keys, and you think he might love you when he watches you fill this house with her memory without saying anything.

But mostly, he’s not very kind. You don’t want to think about it anymore.

2) ADOLESCENCE

You inherit your mother’s cynicism and your father’s stingy heart. The skill you develop is as much a sense of humor as it is a safety net. If life’s a joke, beat it to the punchline. By the time you’re fifteen, you can no longer pretend that your world is worth saving. You keep it at arm’s length. Your mind makes a mockery of the darkness to keep its jaws at a distance, because if you couldn’t do that, your pitch-black pessimism would swallow you whole.

Growing up feels less like maturing and more like mutating. By the time you’re sixteen, you stop feigning perfection to earn the affection of a father who’s heart is colder than your Blackrock winter. Popular misconception claims control is a word you never learned, but that’s just what you let everyone think. The truth is: control is a lesson you pried out of your body when the need for acceptance evolved into a need to rebel. You’re an embarrassment, Evan. Adolescence meant insurrection. You’re a failure of a son. Pills and booze and boys and girls biting the hand that hit him. Your heart is a bullet and your mouth is a shotgun and you will make yourself repulsive if the alternative is admitting that — Evan, I wish you knew how difficult it is to love you.

You only apply yourself when it matters. You get into Stanford. You take a loan. You don’t let your father pay for tuition, because you’re not letting him control your life anymore. You leave your tar pit town the way your mother did, and it’s only a matter of time before your goodbye is permanent. 

It gets better as much as it gets worse. You leave home, but home doesn’t really leave you, and you don’t recognize your body when it’s not in pain. You’re beautiful, though. People see you and want to make you theirs. You let it happen. Too-rough hands salve the ghosts of bruises your father left you. This is the ugliest way of putting it: you feel damaged. Every person you kiss has too-sharp teeth, and maybe that’s exactly how you want it, because if this body doesn’t feel like it belongs to you, then offer it up in a way that feels good.

You always leave first. You love much how it tears them apart. This is your inheritance: your Momma’s love of leaving, and your Daddy’s stingy, stingy heart.

3) THE BITE

Unlike your mother, you tried to come back. Your father called one night, asking if you wanted to return for Christmas, and the small, stupid flicker of hope that your pessimism couldn’t kill begged that you give him a chance.

He didn’t change. He argues about the degree you’re taking with the money you don’t have and insists on carving a future for you, his way. He doesn’t like your independence. He doesn’t like your protests. Your fights are explosive until they aren’t, until a raised fist reminds you exactly what violence he’s capable of.

At least he sometimes loves you. Maybe he loved you when he picked your wounded body up, carried you out of the woods, and bandaged up bite on your side. Maybe he loved you when he brought medicine to your room, and maybe he loved you when made you chicken soup just the way you liked it, even when you didn’t ask. Maybe he loved you when he sat by the side of your bed, and talked about his father, and his father’s father, and how none of them really knew how to grow up without making their sons feel small.

But the fever is strange. A new kind of anger tears out whatever capacity for forgiveness you might have had. Your bones are changing. Something wretched twists and grows inside you, and with a hot flash of pain, you’re something new entirely.

You have one last coherent thought before the wild takes your mind completely.

I have to kill him. So you do. 

3.5) THE THINGS YOU DON’T KNOW

The news of your father’s death spreads like wildfire in Blackrock. It’s not your father’s mangled body that causes intrigue, it’s your disappearance. Wolf attacks, while uncommon, aren’t exactly rare, and everyone’s heard the folktales. Neighbors assure that you were there during the evidence, but the police find no evidence of carnage, not a pound of flesh nor drop of blood to support the fearful need to conclude that there’s nothing supernatural about this. You can’t prove the Czarnecki kid isn’t a werewolf, the gossipers say. Nobody can even prove that he’s dead.

4) WOLF-HOOD

You don’t know what strange circumstance landed you in your new body, but maybe you don’t care. Maybe the bite and the fever killed you, and the Buddhists were right. You don’t really know if you earned enough good karma to deserve this reincarnated form, but either way, you’re never letting it go. You hunt deer. You roll around in the snow. You snarl at any predator that dares to get near, and bite the ones that move into your space without permission. Sometimes you walk into the backyards of strangers and wait for children who aren’t afraid to try and approach you. You don’t eat them, because just because you’re a monster now doesn’t mean you don’t have principles.

You lie down. You let them rub your belly.

It’s a really nice life.

5) NOW

Six years after you thought you died, a woman drags you out of the woods you back into your body. Even a lifetime of pain couldn’t prepare you for the shift back. New bones tear your animal flesh apart, piercing your skin open to make room for your wretched old body. It aches in too many ways. The people — the wolves — the ones who did this to you, they tell you this is your home now.

So it wasn’t Buddhism. Maybe it’s the Catholics who’re right; eternal damnation does await the unrepentant sinner, and it looks like this: you’re here, trapped in a frat house for furries, without a  cellphone, a car, or clothes of your own, or money to pay a doctor to confirm whether or not you’d acquired a tapeworm.

You realize you owe Stanford 213,000 dollars.

You are a very tired wolf.

TLDR:

Evan has a bad childhood. He becomes a wolf. He kills his father. He mistakes lycanthropy for reincarnation and lives in wolf-nirvana for six whole years. You drag him out of nirvana. The realization that he didn’t actually die puts him in a terrible mood. 

CONNECTIONS 

( So uhhh I wrote up possible prompts for the existing werewolf skeletons before I knew what anyone was like and I think they can be good jumping points! If you don’t feel this fits your character, or if you want a different sort of dynamic, just message me! )

1) WOLVES (AND BITTEN HUMAN)

ALDER: You’ve seen him at his ugliest — a small, scared creature writhing on the floor, that horrific cross between a howl and a screech leaving his shifting throat. Now there’s a flare of red-hot resentment in his eyes whenever he looks at you, and it makes you wonder if he’s more monstrous as a human than he is a beast. You saved him from death. You realize you cannot save him from life. He’ll never forgive you for that.

HEMLOCK: You are a bootlicker and he does not like you.

HICKORY: It’s not your job to keep the feral wolf in line, but your brother seems to resent whatever circumstance it was that landed him the role of mongrel babysitter. Consider picking up the slack. The guy’s only half-terrible — sullen and strange but mostly manageable, and maybe earning his trust is only a matter of affording him the patience that nobody else wants to offer. If it’s an opportunity to prove this pack your worth, try taking it.

MAPLE: You’ve worked too hard to protect this pack, to earn your position. Now your lot has dragged some feral creature out of the woods, offered him their home, their humanity, and still, he has the nerve to be ungrateful. He makes it clear that he doesn’t trust you. He makes it even clearer that you cannot trust him. Maybe the demons in your head are concussed, but the new demon in your home now insists on giving you a migraine. 

PINE: You are a mirror of lost days. You are the young flighty creature he once was and can never become again. Home is a word you might have both forgotten, but circumstance has offered you both a new roof over your heads, and a family to go with it. Maybe these similarities should draw you closer, but there’s a glimmer of resentment in his eyes whenever he looks at you. You don’t know why it’s there. It could be pity. It might be envy. It must be grief. 

OAK: He had a father, once, and that shit didn’t end well. For some reason, he sees it fit to pass some unearned blame on you, and now years of buried resentment are yours to bear. Family’s a broken word, he seems to think, but you cannot let him break yours. Still, it’s evident that he lacks the capacity to be as self-sufficient as he’d like, and as long as that’s true, it’s your thumb he’ll be under. You know he needs you. Offer an open hand, or pull the leash tighter. The choice is yours.

REDCEDAR: He shows up at the bookstore to read a new title of Animorphs every other day and you don’t know how that makes you feel.

WILLOW: He might take more kindly to you than he does the others. You’re both new to a home you’re not sure will ever welcome you, and more importantly, you both wanted this. The bite. This beastliness. The difference is that he’s certain. Your condition is a new part of yourself that you have yet to fully love, but he seems to think he can teach you. Man and beast are equally monstrous, he tries to convince you. So let’s be the kind with bigger teeth.

2) OPEN CONNECTIONS

( Open to humans ) has taken an interest in the Czarnecki Werewolf Conspiracy. They’re familiar with the incident — a dead father, a missing son, and the wolf that allegedly kill them both. All the facts line up too neatly, and when somebody who looks to be the ghost of one Evan Czarnecki returns to haunt the streets of Blackrock, they think it’s finally time they get some answers.

( Open to humans ) once knew Evan. Yeah, the kid who always got straight A’s and played piano for Catholic mass? What the actual shit happened to him? They’re watched Evan go from familiar face to murder case overnight, but now, the town recluses have found a new adoptee — and he’s the splitting image of the boy they once knew. Maybe it’s time to reconnect.

3) VAGUE CONCEPTS

he uhhhh (spins wheel) flirted with ( open ) at last drop for free drinks and then realized that spending six years as a wolf made him de-acquire the taste of liquor and now he’s having a crisis

( open ) tells him he needs therapy. evan laughs

this is actually very hard he’s so unsociable

jsut message me... we’ll think of something

[tinknevertalks]

(Making at a new post because I can.)

@write-it-motherfuckers posted this prompt, and I kinda loved it and wrote this. Might write more, if the mood strikes me. :)

An AU where Helen never had the Sanctuary network but Nikola is still a vampire. *Shrugs*

Waking up next to Nikola, usually a peaceful experience, always set the day off right for Helen. Everything she did had a bounce and a contagious energy that affected everyone around her. No-one quite understood how he seemed to be the one to make her smile so, or how she could stand to be around him - even on short shopping excursions, people parted like the Red Sea as if scared of him - but with Helen? He was nothing but gentle, kind, and sometimes even considerate. When she worked late, he’d bring her tea and a biscuit, and remind her (with a kiss to her temple) that even she needed sleep every now and then.

This night, waking up was not a peaceful moment. Instead of being wrapped around his strong but wiry frame, held tightly in his arms (her own doing their infamous impression of an octopus), she awoke to the sound of pained grunts, fists against flesh, nails rending clothes. Blind to everything, she did what any sensible person would.

She turned on the lamp.

In the golden light now gracing her room, she saw two things. One: a group of people she’d never seen before in her life, littering her bedroom floor like mangled toys. Two: Nikola holding a man, twice his weight, in the air by his neck. Talons grew where usually his fastidiously manicured nail would be, his smiling mouth now snarled in righteous fury, and his eyes, his beautiful, sparkling blue eyes, were tar black pits, staring into the other man’s very being.

“N-- Nikola?” Who’s weak voice was that? It couldn’t be hers, she couldn’t be that scared of him.

A blink, and there he was again, her Nikola, gentle, kind, considerate. Still holding the stranger in the air by his throat, but with a sweetness that he kept for her. “I can explain.”

Nodding, her eyes wide, she said, “I should bloody well hope so.” There she was, that was her voice, even if it sounded a little breathless. “Who are these people?” With a dull thud, the ringleader (Helen assumed) fell to the floor. “Is he...?”

Nikola shook his head, “No, unfortunately not.” Smiling, he pulled a clean handkerchief from his trouser pocket and swiped at his cheek, the white cotton now red where he wiped away the blood. “I didn’t mean for you to find out like this.”

“The vampirism, or your ability to fight off half a dozen men?” she asked, kneeling in the middle of the bed.

“Both?” he answered, his mouth less crowded now the fangs had gone. Sitting on the edge, he waited until she patted the duvet next to her before smiling again and crawling over to her. “Neither?” He sighed. “I wanted this to stay as it was.”

Taking his hand, she marveled as the talons receded and those perfectly kept nails made their return. “Does that hurt? How do they come out? How long do they get?”

He opened his mouth, but laughter escaped in a manner that made Helen think he was even surprised. “Never change,” he murmured, kissing her temple.

“Ok...?” Gazing into his eyes, she watched as the red-rimmed pools of black grew smaller until they were their usual crystal blue. “How does that work?”

A groan from his side of the bed suddenly reminded the both of them of their guests. “You’d best put them in the basement,” she said, nodding. "And after that, I think a few explanations are in order."

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E7

Welcome back to Let me watch TV 4 U? The blog where I watch TV for YOU! Last night was the season 7 finale of Game of Thrones. What happened? LET’S FIND OUT! Spoilers ahead you’ve been warned. You’ve also been warned that you are about to be #SHOOKETH. 

Again, I was fully #shook the entire second half of this ep. But the first half was less shocking, so let’s get that out of the way first, shall we?

We open on Greyworm and the rest of the Unsullied army…

And they are in #formation on the lawn of King’s Landing. Jaime and Bronn watch from a tower and discuss dicks and basically conclude that dicks make the world go ‘round which is A. GARBAGE and B. WELCOME TO THE SEASON OF THE KWEENS. Also Bronn oversees the Lannister army’s production of “pitch” which I’m assuming is like tar (I know this from Into the Woods, thanks Sondheim!). What is this pitch for? IDK it’s never mentioned again! During their dick-discussion, the Dothraki forces ride up on their horses through the Unsullied formation and J and B are, frankly, spooked.

While the Unsullied and Dothraki approach by land, the big wigs ride in by sea. We’ve got Tyrion, Previously-Traumatized-Theon (PTT), Sleevey, Bae, No-Knuckles (NK), Stoney, and Missi on deck. Down below, the Hound checks to make sure the ice zombie they obtained last week is still zombie-ing. As they approach, Theon’s Uncle Crazy-Pants (UCP) has his whole fleet of ships guarding King’s Landing. We check in quickly with Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) who is reminding her zombie-bodyguard, The Mountain, to kill everyone please.

As we approach the GoT-Model-UN, Bronn strolls up with Ladyknight and her squire, Pod on one side and are met by Tyrion and the rest of #TeamKhaleesi at a fork in the road. Pod and Tyrion and Bronn all used to be besties, so it’s kind of weird for them to be meeting like this, but OH WELL we’ve got ice zombies to discuss! The Hound and Ladyknight reunite which is cute because last time they met she left him for dead. They both chat about how they are proud that their little Arya has grown up to be a skilled assassin.

They approach the Courtyard by Marriott presents, the DRAGONPIT space that QPC has rented for their Model-UN conference, which is actually a giant pit where the Targaryens used to keep their dragons. It looks like one of those stadiums that was shoddily-built for the Olympics 25 years ago but has not been touched since. #TeamKhaleesi and #TeamBae all take their seats and then QPC and co. roll up with Uncle Crazy Pants. We get a reminder that the Mountain and the Hound (who are brothers) do NOT like each other. QPC is like, umm… Where’s Khaleesi? And then in the least surprising entrance ever Khaleesi flies in on Dragon #1 with Dragon #2 in tow and is like, what? Am I late?

Uncle Crazy Pants has to remind us all that he’s crazy and rather than let the grown-ups chat, he yells at his nephew PTT and is like, hey, I still have your sister, remember? Tyrion tries to steer the convo back to Model-UN business but then UCP goes on a rant about how he hates dwarves until QPC is finally like shut all the way up, UCP. Tyrion and Bae co-present the case for their country in this model-UN, Khaleesi-ville. There’s a lot of back and forth but T makes a very good point when he says there’s “no conversation that will erase the last 50 years.”

Their presentation concludes with a real-life-3D-representation of the threat to their country, an ice zombie fresh from beyond the wall! The Hound sets him loose and he comes right for QPC’s face. She looks truly horrified while her “Maester” (who is into human experiments and keeping dead people alive unnaturally) is kinda turned on? Bae shows us that the 2 things that can destroy the ice zombie are fire and dragonglass, thus completing his presentation. Good job, Bae, A+ and extra points for visuals!

UCP is not having this and is like, can ice zombies swim? Bae’s like, naw dawg they cannot. So UCP is like k, BAI and peaces out. He and his people live on an island so they’re safe from ice zombies as long as they stay put. Since Khaleesi recently purchased an island-condo, he advises her to do the same. QPC agrees to a truce with #teamKhaleesi on the condition that Bae heads back to Winterfell and not “choose a side” between Khaleesi and QPC. It seems like a good deal but Bae is like sorry I already chose a side I’m #teamKhaleesi til I die (again). QPC is like k, kewl, bai and her whole crew leaves without deciding on their model-UN resolution. Ladyknight appeals to her old pal Jaime to have some common sense but he is too #inlurve with his sister to listen.

Everyone left at the Courtyard by Marriott is like Bae couldn’t you just have told a little lie to QPC? And he’s like naw, not a liar. Can’t do it. Tyrion is like ok well I’ll go talk to my sis, she’ll probs kill me but, it’s been a fun life! Meanwhile, Khaleesi and Bae get a little heart-to-heart where she AGAIN mentions that she can’t have children and he’s like well who said that? And she’s like oh this witch doctor lady who killed my first husband. And Bae is like, she wasn’t even a licensed medical professional, what does she know!?

Tyrion and Jaime have a quick moment of brotherly love before T goes to see QPC. T is like, ok sis, just kill me. Your giant zombie-bodyguard is here just give the order and have me killed. And then she doesn’t kill him. Instead, she declines his glass of wine because she is #drinkingfortwo now, that’s right, she preggers (or at least she claims to be). Somehow, telling Tyrion about her pregnancy leads her to change her mind so she returns to the Courtyard by Marriott to tell the crew that she will have her armies march North to face the “great war” of the ice zombies. Huzzah! Our mission is complete. OR IS IT?

Let’s pop into Winterfell, shall we?

Sansa finds out that Bae #boweddown to Khaleesi via a very informative letter and discusses this with Littlefinger. LF is like well, I guess Bae is a traitor now so maybe you should be in charge? And she’s like hmmm… but my sister is acting weird. And then he tries to tell her that her sis wants to kill her to become the “Lady of Winterfell” and take power. She’s like, well… I guess I better do something about that. A few scenes later, Sansa is busy looking out at the winter-y landscape and tells a guard to have her sister, Arya, brought to the Great Hall.

In the Great Hall, Arya walks into a room filled with judgy-looking dudes in pointy hats and is like, did I miss something? And Sansa is like well… there is a traitor in our midst. And Arya is like, oh really, bitch? We gonna go there? And Sansa is like yep, you’re accused of treason, murder, and conspiring to kill your leader……… LITTLEFINGER!

WHAT? TABLES TURNED BIOTCH YOU ARE DONE LITTLEFINGER.

LF tries to talk his way out of this one but it turns out the sisters have been plotting against him all along and there’s nothing he can say that can combat that. Plus Bran is there and he can see the past so he offers some helpfully incriminating testimony against Littlefinger. LF is down on his knees begging Sansa for his life and she’s like #boibye, do it sis. And Arya cuts his throat! And then he is dead-o as dead as any dead thing that ever died. I truly cheered out loud at this scene. Like, I should have seen it coming but I didn’t. Thank you, GoT, for not only killing off a main character, but one we all wanted to see die anyway! Later, we get a scene where Arya and Sansa fully make up and are friends again, TG!

Back to #teamKhaleesi...

they’re debating travel plans to head North. Stoney is like, Khaleesi you should take the dragon express, but Bae is like no, sail on a boat wit me. And Khaleesi is FEELING BAE so she’s like sorry, Stoney, gotta get that D. Then we have a sweet scene where Bae and PTT resolve their past differences and PTT is like wow you are one good dude, Bae.

Inspired by this convo, PTT heads to the boats to ask the small crew of his sister’s sailor-guys to sail with him to save his sis from UCP. The main sailor dude is like NOPE, you heard UCP, we’re heading to an island! PTT is like NOT TODAY, SATAN, and he starts fighting the main sailor dude. After taking several punches and getting back up again (that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call tub-thumping (thanks Kimmy Schmidt), when you get back down but you get up again), PTT is hit hard in the groin by the main sailor dude but jokes on him cuz PTT is like a Ken-Doll down there! PTT uses this momentum to wipe out sailor dude and after beating him up, rallies the troops to go save his sister! Good job, PTT!

Back in King’s Landing…

Jaime is ordering the Lannister forces to head up North to fight the ice zombies when QPC walks in and is like lol wut? Jaime’s like just doing what we agreed to do at the Model UN conference! QPC is like, oh that’s sweet, you thought I was serious? I’m not gonna make a truce with Khaleesi! I’m gonna move in as soon as her troops head North! And Jaime is like how? We don’t have an army! And she’s like oh remember when UCP said he was going to leave and head back to the Iron Islands- psych!- he’s heading to the other side of the world to bring the “Golden Company” (a huge army of soldiers for hire that QPC bought with all that Tyrell gold) back here.

Jaime is NOT PLEASED because A. he wants them to keep their word and B. he’s like if these ice zombies win we’re all f$%-ed and C. QPC kept him in the dark about all of this. He’s like I know you murdered thousands of innocent people in a church and you’ve been 100% evil for the past 5 seasons, but this is the LAST STRAW. And he goes to leave and she’s nobody walks away from me and her zombie-knight is there. And Jaime is like ok, kill me. Which is cuckoo because this is the second time in this episode where QPC is faced with a brother saying “ok, have your zombie knight kill me then” and each time she doesn’t do it.

So Jaime storms off and it seems like he is finally dunzo with his twin sis/lover and is headed...North? IDK? As he is leaving King’s Landing, though, SNOW STARTS TO FALL whoa #winteriscoming #vintagenedstark #amiright ladies?

Let’s check in on Winterfell again!

Sam arrives with Gilly and bb Sam and comes to see the artist formerly known as Bran Stark aka The 3-eyed Raven. Bran tells Sam he is the 3-eyed Raven now and Sam’s like….k? And Bran is like I need to see Bae to tell him about his parents. Bran is being a real know-it-all which is I guess his gig now and he’s like he’s not Jon Snow, he’s Jon Sand, he was a bastard born in Dorne (Dornish bastards have the last name Sand instead of Snow cuz of the climate) to Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark. And Sam is like HOLD THE PHONE I just remembered that Gilly read aloud from this old dude’s diary that Lyanna and Rhaegar were legally married and he got offish divorced from his first wife!

And then Bran goes back in time and watches the marriage and is like yep it happened and meanwhile he’s narrating all of this, Khaleesi and Bae are on a ship headed North when he knocks on her door late at night. She lets him in and then before we even get to witness their first kiss they are #doingit that’s right straight up boning and fully nude. It is very hawt but also we are confirming that she is his aunt at the same time. And Tyrion, meanwhile, watched Bae go into Khaleesi’s room and is feeling some kinda way about it?!?

I’m too verklempt to describe the sensuality of these 2 beautiful people in the nude so let’s cut to our last scene. Gingerbae and Eyepatch are still at Eastwatch when GB spots a bunch of ice zombies walking up to the wall. He’s like oh snap they are very close now we better get our shit together. And then ICE ZOMBIE DRAGON flies up, with the Night King on his back and BURNS DOWN A HUGE SECTION OF THE ICE WALL WITH HIS FIRE/ICE BREATH!?!?!?! GB and Eyepatch seem to be ok but now, we have for the first time ever, a bajillion ice zombies who’ve successfully crossed into the realm of the living and are really, definitely coming for all of us. END OF EPISODE.

Phew thanks so much for reading! Sorry bout my technical difficulties. I’ll see you next season!

[erstwhile25]

Skin of the Teeth Part 4: Picking Your Poison.

(( We’re coming up on the end folks...well not THE END, but the end of Skin of the Teeth at the very least.  I’d originally intended for this post to be the last...but some stories have a habit of getting away from you, and this is one of them.))

Mazie fought hard to keep her hands from shaking as she laced up the side of her jerkin.  There was a strange sort of haze between her whirring mind and her fingers, a fog she had to swim through to get anything done ever since word had gone round the ship.  They were going to fight.   That hadn't been the plan of course to begin with, but they way she’d heard it, this hadn't been a day for plans.  When the slight hyur girl had heard the captain call for a retreat, Mazie had been relieved.  Let the others mutter about the captain’s cowardice all they liked, the Ashen Rook was a beautiful ship to be sure, but she didn't have the guns to stand up to a Garlean warcraft.  Mazie wasn't even sure the Rook had any guns at all.   Sure they had a fully stocked armory, bristling with blades, bows, even a few pistols, but she had been over every inch of the ship and hadn't seen a single cannon aboard.  She'd been able to make out the rows of guns aboard the Garlean ship as it closed the distance steadily for the past hour.  So as it became readily apparent that running simply wasn't an option, the Captain ordered them all below decks to ready for battle.  That had been well over half an hour ago.  Somehow she still found herself fiddling with the laces of her chemically treated leather jerkin, staring at the weapons hanging on the armory wall, and wondering if she could bring herself to use them on someone

She hadn't boarded the Ashen Rook back in Lominsa keen on the idea of fighting and dying, though the way you heard the sailors shout and sing in the Drowning Maiden, you'd think that's all there was to the sea.  No she had knocked on the captain’s door looking for work, and because in some well guarded corner of her heart, she loved the Ashen Rook.  Mazie had heard somewhere that it was important to love the ship that carried you, and for her the Rook had been love at first sight.   That fated month she had been turned away from a handful of merchant sloops, and a pair of fishing junks that never even left sight of the coast. Each and every captain had gruffly told her there was no room on their deck for a mousey haired slip of a girl with no sailing experience. This to her had always seemed a criminal paradox.  Didn’t you need to have a job to get the experience for which they wanted you for?   She had nearly given up hope of working on a ship, which was the only work worth having in the city of sails.  Then as she sat with her fishing pole in hand on the docks, the chain barriers of the harbor gates lowered into the sea, and hope floated in on stretched sail.   Mazie had never seen her like before, lean, sleek, freshly tarred, and held together with pitted darksteel.  The Rook wasn’t the size of the feared Limsan four masted Destroyers, but looking at her you could tell she didn’t need to be.  She was grace given form to fly on cool sea breezes and cut through waves of salt with the speed of angels.  Her ashen sails didn’t trail down her middle as was the custom, rather they angled out and back from her sides, like the spread wings of some great beetle.  She reminded Mazie of some strange and exotic bird of prey taking roost among pigeons. Mazie found herself fixed by the steel eyes of the figure head, the imperious robed woman somehow challenged the young girl from where she hung on the bowsprit.  Who were those scruffy fish herders to deny her a life a sea?  It was with that question in mind that Mazie slung her pole to her shoulder and marched up the gangway of the Ashen Rook, wholly unaware as to how unprepared she was for the life that followed.   Mazie snapped out of her mind as she realized she wasn't alone in the armory, someone had sat down next to her on the bench without so much as a sound.  She hazarded a glance in that direction, and with the blood freezing her in veins she saw that it was the captain himself, hunched forward and staring at the wall of weapons across from them.  Her fingers panicked with the knots of her jerkin, and suddenly it was as though she’d never tied a knot in her life. “Sir...ah...I'm sorry, I'll be right…” “Twould be nice iffin they waited fer us wouldn’t it?” He muttered over his fingers, his one yellow eye fixed ahead.  Something in his tone made Mazie unsure if he was talking to her.  She blinked and looked around, everyone else it seemed was on deck, they were alone down here. “Um...iffen who waited fer us?” “The Garleans, they’ll be along our side soon enough.  Think iffin we called a timeout they’d honor it?” The absurdity of the statement struck her like a glassful of cold water, and before she had any control of her mouth a laugh belted out from deep in her guts.  She slapped a hand over her lips and felt the color in her cheeks rise.  Kail wasn't frowning though, rather there was a small curl of amusement to the corner of his mouth. “'Tis best t’laugh, right now while ye can.” The statement was small, and he hadn't even raised his voice, but it served to sober Mazie up, and her eyes were drawn back to the wall of weapons.  It was such a strange sight to her, all those razor sharp edges, all those needle points, all those barrels with the last flash you'd ever see stuffed down them.  So many ways to kill, so many ways to die.   “I’d...I'd..like t’admit something.” She found words tumbling from her lips, for the life of her she didn't know why she sounded so guilty about it. “Ye’ve never killed anyone afore.” The weight on her chest seemed to ease at the sound of it there in the open, numbly she nodded.  “How long have ye known?” He laughed, a deep and leathery chuckle that spoke of many days with smoke and drink as companions.  She knew it wasn't a laugh meant to make her feel small, but suddenly she felt as though she were standing on her tip toes, asking to drink with the adults. “Killin marks the soul t’not put too fine a spin on it, ye could no more hide that mark than ye could the nose on yer face.  We spotted ye for what ye were the moment ye set foot on deck.” Well there it was, out in the open.  Her little secret that she had held onto during her time on the Rook.  It had seemed at the moment all she could do to keep her calm around the other crew, from the deranged Syf to even the babe gentle giant Noyra, they all projected a sense of violence waiting to happen.  Looking back she felt stupid for having clung to it for so long, a ship full of killers and she thought that simply puffing out her chest and glaring could earn herself a place among them.   “Iffin..” she said “...iffin we get out of this, ye don't need t’worry about me pay..I’ll make due.” “Make due?  What are ye talkin about?” “Fer when ye throw me off the ship.” “...Fer not havin killed anyone?” She blinked, and the statement hung in the air between them dangling like an apple waiting to drop. “Well…” she said “...it sounds kinda tits up silly when ye put it like that.” “Especially looking down the barrels of a Garlean gunship.” He said soberly, which he went about fixing with a swallow from a flask that looked as dented and worn as it's owner.  He glanced towards her as though he just seemed to realize she was watching him, and offered her the flask.  Mazie took it, glancing from the flask to the captain. “So what now?” “Now...” he said as he rose to his feet.  “...ye either stay down here and look after the wounded, or head t’the deck.” “But what about..” He cut her off with a quick wave of his hand. “Ent a one oh the crew gonna call ye a coward, and ye’ll still have a place on this ship no matter what ye do.”   Moving to her back the captain seized the lacing of her jerkin and tugged it tight before quickly and concisely knotting the end.  For a moment she felt relief at her choice being made so simple, but he kept talking.

“Know this though...iffin they take this ship t’will only be the hangman’s noose fer Norah and I. They’ll sort the rest oh the crew accordin t’who they think they can break, the rest they’ll shoot on the shoreline so that the tide will carry away the bodies fer them.  Those oh ye left twill be branded and divvied up among the army dependin on yer skills.  There ye'll fight or labor till ye drop, and ye will drop.  Ye'll drop cause ye'll allus be among the last mouths they feed, the last of the wounded they tend iffin they ever see fit to, the first they force down the throat oh t'the enemy, and the first they blame when things go wrong.  Twill be slavery, short and simple.  Oh they'll give it a fancy name like "Helot" or "Serfdom", they'll even fill yer ear with shite about how leal service will earn yerself a place in the glorious empire, but 'tis jest another collar they'll be slappin around yer neck."

Mazie found her hands shaking anew, she brought up the flask to her lips, barely tasting the fiery liquid as it burned her tongue and throat on the way down, and gathered in her stomach like a leaden weight.  If he seemed to notice her distress, that didn't stop him from speaking on.   "Now a gunship is crewed by about fifty men, to our twenty.  That's fifty men who say we all aught t'be dead or in chains.  They're asking a question, and yer answer comes next.  Do ye sit down here and wait fer life t'be kind, or d'ye go grab life by the the throat and squeeze?"

Gently he took the flask from her hands, then gave her a pat on the shoulder that she barely felt.  As he disappeared deeper into the ship, Mazie chewed on what he had offered.  When she was young, she had waited for a father who never returned.  Growing up she had waited as her mother drowned herself in spirits, hoping time would see her sober.  She had waited on the docks for her time on the sea to come...and it had only happened once she'd done something about it.  Mazie let her eyes wander up to the wall of weapons once more.

     In the lower right corner there was an oddity among the weapons, not quite a weapon at all really, more of a tool.  Crouching down next to it, she hefted the crowbar in her hands.  It was a little heavier than she expected, but the weight was reassuring, solid, and it felt oddly comfortable in her hands. She let out a soft fragile breath, then shouldered the crowbar, and walked up the stairs, into the sunshine and salt air.

[scribomaniac]

11 Questions Tag

I was tagged by the lovely @court-of-wildfire

I’m tagging: @bats-and-hawks @wormdelivre @lukearnold @nuggles @arzani92 @midnight-wonder @shinyrose2 @aelinashgalathynius @fictionalcharactersaremyreality @elementaldrop

My questions for you are: 

1. Ocean, forest or space?

2. If you could save three things of yours (not including pets) from a house fire, what would you save?

3. If you were a character in a book, what would your 3 main personality/physical traits be?

4. What book got you into reading?

5. Top 5 animated films?

6. If you could visit any place, real or fictional, where would you go?

7. What sorts/clubs did you participate in in high school and did you like them?

8. Which of your five senses triggers the most memories?

9. What was the last movie you watched?

10. What’s your motto that helps during tough times?

11. If you could have any superhero’s superpower (DC or Marvel) whose would you choose?

1. What ancient God / Goddess is your favorite, and why?

Dionysus will forever and always be my absolute fave.  He’s such a party bro and really just tries to mind his own business and have a good time.  He’s also very petty/vengeful which I high key relate to.  As far as I remember he never makes the first move, like he’ll leave you be if you acknowledge he’s a god and he just wants to party.  If you fuck with him, though, he’ll tear your head off and that’s something I respect in a god.  (Side note, he also marries Ariadne, the girl Theseus left behind after killing her freaking brother the Minotaur)

2. What are five things (tv shows, candy, shoes, etc,) that was popular in your youth that you wish you can bring back today?

Idk if they were really popular, because I was a 90′s baby, but I grew up watching 80′s cartoons like Care Bears, Rainbow Brite (my all time fave) and Lady Lovely Locks so I definitely wish I could bring those things back.  They’re a trip and I always find my day dreaming thoughts drifting to them at least once a week.  A well done reboot of Power Rangers would be nice too---oh wait. Oh, and Baby Bottle Pops.  I was addicted to those things!  I don’t think I’d eat ‘em anymore, but just seeing their commercials again with their little jingle would make me hella nostalgic.   

3. Name your top five meme’s.

Hoe don’t do it, that awkward/yikes face meme, [softly] don’t, Friendly Reminder, aaaaaaaaand incorrect quotes (I think it counts?)

4. If you could choose your own 7 wonders of the world what would they be?

The tomb of Hatshepsut 

My cat, Riley, ‘cause gosh is he a wonder...

THE FREAKING TERRA COTTA WARRIORS OF CHINE LIKE WHAT EVEN DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON THOSE THINGS

The Kewpie Burger doll in Ohio

Hozier

Palace at Versailles

La Brea tar pits in California 

5. If you could have a mythical animal as a pet what would it be?

I kinda wanna say dragon, but that’s just not practical...OH I’D PROBS WANT A GRIFFIN! LIKE THE ONE IN QUEST FOR CAMELOT!

6. Pick three artist / bands to compose a score for the story of your life.

Bastille, Hozier, and MSMR

7. If you could only keep two of your five senses which ones would you pick?

You will never understand the turmoil this question put me through.  God, probably touch and hearing.  I think I’d feel too vulnerable without those two.  I could probably get by without the others. 

8. What is your irrational fear?

Nails breaking.  Like fingernails.  I watched The Ring when I was little and the only part that gave me the heeby-jeebies was when the nail in the video plit the fingernail in two and to this day I’m like NOPE. GOOD DAY. WE’RE DONE.

9. What rule did you have to follow as a kid that you didn’t agree with?  

There were a lot.  I can’t remember any one specifically, but I remember my mom had this book titled 57 rules for a polite dinner table or something ridiculous like that. My mom would pull it out for everything!  I don’t even think she read it, she’d just prop it up and point to it whenever I rested my elbows on the table or something.

So one day when she wasn’t around, I took the book and shoved it behind this giant wooden hutch thing in our living room.  It laid there, forgotten, until the day we moved. 

10. What are some weird quirks / rituals you do everyday?

I can’t think of any?  I’m sure I have some...like usually after I wake up in the morning, if I don’t have anywhere to be, I’ll like in bed for 15 min or so just reading/derping around.  Other than that, though, I can’t think of anything.  Nothing that happens everyday, anyway.

11. What was the weirdest / craziest thing that’s happened to you at work and/or school?

So my high school had this cool Zoo/Bot program with actual, living animals (parrots, lizards, bun-buns, etc.) that had been donated to the school when the owner’s could no longer take care of them.  My senior year I was an officer/president of the program and for some reason the only one that Bella, a huge green winged macaw, deemed worthy of her affection (which was strange considering she hated me the previous three years, but whatever).  anyway, one day I was working in my yearbook class when a kid I barely knew popped his head in and said I was needed immediately in the Zoo/Bot room.

It turned out the kid had let Bella out of her cage and allowed her to run rampant and couldn’t get her down from said cage, or back in it (and class was about to end).  So, panicking, he and the teacher in charge looked up my schedule and brought me out of another class just so I could sweet talk a bird down from her perch and into her cage.  For little 18 y/o me, it was pretty wild.

[glopratchet]

origin-of-astrly-wylde

He is not yet dead, but he will soon be They were in an area where the necromancers had created a new dimension and they were sent there to find out what was happening Something seemed very appealing about their ideas and company, but now that is diminishing When he agreed to their gruesome dealings, they often did unattainable crimes together Though this became less appealing to all of them as time went on The two demons did not say anything; they are tired of him and want him to suffer like the devil on a dealers shoulder The wind will not take them today, but he can hear it speaking in an eerie tone with it's request, letting out cries and calls of death and torment Agonizing and furious He feels the life force escaping him "why, WHY did you do this to yourself! is all he answers back The pain begins to stretch on to infinity He can't let go no matter how much it hurts the demons chuckle causing him to wretch He can't get off, how did he let this happen? did you do it? to mankind run through his head one by one each worse than the one before it He doesn't have a good answer for them from the depths of his mind He wants a cigarette so bad right now, at least that would take his mind off the burning sensation He gets the dreadful system disc error whenever he tries to reconfigure it Noise back to reality He wants to smoke again soon facts and ideas and he can't do anything to fix it him when he tries, like the demons trapped on his walls They whisper things in his ear about elven prostitutes and online bets on him, he is forced to do away with it at insanely fast paces At this point he just wants to die It feels like exposure The smoke never let's him forget his mistakes to hostilely remind him of reality It engulfs the room like a miasma, choking every cell in his brain to fill his lungs with tar The terms it uses are ones of corruption and chaos, they force him to experience the corruption that opens itself up on his body The entire room begins caving in from top to bottom demon faces stare into his eyes screaming at him Terrible death metal music blasts away at him top volume on his face with it's warm breath female members of the opposite end dragon orbiting around him naked enticing him with terrible thoughts practices done by possessed monks on full moons The Dragon endorses it all with puffs of smoke "it lives, it all lives into the pit of engulfing doom Once again he is back in reality swimming in confusion and filth stench fills his lungs The mix of things he has tried to fill the void in his life have made it worst for him than ever before and she seems so from horrendous ghastly gashes all over his body away because all hope is lost Atheism was his only option, but it seems you are forced to gamble with every choice in life away on his death bed awaiting imminent demise The void sucks him back in, howling away in sadistic ecstasy Welcome back awareness filling his mind as screams reverberate through his mind He wakes up in a cold sweat "you alright? " ; (Sobbing) Matt asks the Terminal from his back He has never been more grateful for this contraption Matt's arms and legs with tape He tells Matt to do nothing but sit down it towards the kitchen moaning into his walkie-talkie Alison answers "Matt is a good kid away, to just out of ear range He tells Alison that something is off "Matt, what do you plan on doing with this footage? with Alison They know now that they must meet immediately, Matt just doesn't know it yet some videos and matching them to database entries That's when everything begins to click with Astryl Matt to grab the tape before the kid notices, but he already has unfortunately reality up the blood off of the walls and floor Porch monsters never really happened, but he will pretend they did to retain his momentary sanity the hell out of the bathroom "Maybe it was a bad idea to lie, but I just need sleep an alibi for Alison and himself He knows she is doing the same, they were "together the whole time" viewing cameras and all up to look semi-reputable enough for a local library Mostly he stays in the car pretending to nap Yet he knows it could never be found victorious that the Sinanthropus video was deleted from the archives drives into a safe dusty storage spot in a corner He retires to bed early, only once flipping through National Geographic for show the last important operation before his mission is over, making sure everything works through jedi mind tricks of agents over global night-vision to Alison that there is little point in staying up with the surveillance, nothing will come of it tonight through walls as the city slowly fills up with rumbles and noise with Alison around new cities --THE END-- From: an14880@anon penet 35478: Hey vic! vi@pc1: Don't call me that Nobody calls me that an14880: OK! Look, do you really need this information so desperately to compromise an agent? People could die all because you were paranoid an14885: They won't though! I promise nothing bad will happen to your friend! I'll humor you again What makes you think he's even gay? Besides me being a shining representative of the community, he's also transsexual That's kinda gay don't you think? Shut up! Do you really want to know or are you just wasting my time? Yes please

[justplainsimon]

can’t believe i finished goodnight punpun vol. 1 in one sitting

kinda reminded me of moral orel, but where moral orel had wholesome stop motion cartoons slowly revealing the tar pit they’ve subjected themselves to

goodnight punpun is about learning that the same kind of darkness in other people, in scary people, isn’t exempt from your own family, and you’re own friends, and maybe you. and the veil of childhood innocence slowly gets pulled away

also its about a simple kid whos perpetual loneliness makes him turn to god, (despite doing alot of amoral things kids may or may not do at that age)

and his relationship with his father.... well his father in generals a bastard... so theres that

9/10

[justinmoviereviews]

The Best Simpsons Episodes (With Showing My Work)

In one episode of the Simpsons, Homer and Lisa have a fight, and Lisa disappears, and Marge askes Homer where she went, and Homer responds that she better be out making him a great big chocolate apology cake. I don’t even remember what episode that’s from. It’s just a line that sticks out in my head about once a week. The point is, the Simpsons is the funniest show anybody has ever made. It’s probably responsible for 75% of my sense of humor. Probably every male between the ages of 25 and 35 can say the same thing.

But what episode is the best? Here is my top ten. And I’m not here to say this is the definitive top ten, or that you’re stupid if you don’t agree. The Simpsons is like music, it’s just here to enrich your life. You probably have your own top ten, but this is mine:

Season 2:

Lisa’s Substitute

Season 3:

When Flanders Failed

Season 4:

Homer the Heretic

Mr. Plow

Lisa’s First Word

I Love Lisa

Whacking Day

Season 5:

Homer’s Barbershop Quartet

Rosebud

Homer the Vigilante

Homer and Apu

Homer Loves Flanders

Bart Gets an Elephant

Sweet Seymour Skinner’s Baaadaaasssss Song

The Boy Who Knew Too Much

Season 6:

Lisa’s Rival

Homer Badman

Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy

Bart’s Comet

A Star is Burns

The Springfield Connection

Lemon of Troy

Who Shot Mr. Burns Pt 1

Treehouse of Horror V (The Shinning, Time and Punishment, Nightmare Cafeteria)

Season 7:

Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily

Lisa the Vegetarian

King-Size Homer

Mother Simpson

Team Homer

Two Bad Neighbors

Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in The Curse of the Flying Hellfish

Summer of 4 Ft. 2

Season 8:

Bart After Dark

Lisa’s Date with Density

Hurricane Neddy

Brother From Another Series

Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment

Grade School Confidential

Burns Baby, Burns

Season 9:

Lisa’s Sax

The Cartridge Family

The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons

Lisa the Skeptic

The Joy of Sect

Lisa the Simpson

Simpson Tide

Criteria:

Every episode will be judged on the following criteria:

Does it have a jaw-dropping hilarious joke?

How many good jokes does it have?

Does it have something that stands out to me instantly? Like for example great big chocolate apology cake?

Is it good, in addition to being funny? The Flying Hellfish Episode is hilarious and also a really cool episode of tv

Is it sweet or sincere? Lisa’s Substitute isn’t that funny, but it’s really sweet and has a great message

Other

Lisa’s Substitute:

Jaw-dropping hilarious joke: none I can think of

Lots of good jokes: I actually can’t think of a single great joke from this episode. Something abo Bart running for office and everyone being too cool to actually vote for him, maybe

Something that stands out instantly: Yes, the ending, which isn’t funny at all, it’s totally serious, but it chokes me up

Is it good: Absolutely. One of the sweetest episodes of all time. Lisa’s substitute tells her incredible things about life and her future, and then Homer has a moment of great parenting and is smart enough to appreciate it.

Is it sweet: Yes. Maybe the sweetest and most sincere episode of the series.

This is a great episode but not quite funny enough to make the cut.

When Flander’s Failed:

Jaw-dropping hilarious joke: No

Lots of good jokes: Yes. Barney becomes a sex symbol as soon as he puts on a “Kiss Me I’m Lefthanded” shirt

Something that stands out instantly: Yes, the ending, which is actually really sweet and sincere, but also kinda funny

Is it good: It’s great. Homer has an arc where he goes from being a jealous neighbor to being a total dickhead and then to redeeming himself with a great moment of decency. He also requires four beers to do it. It’s also just a good story.

Is it sweet: Yes. I’m a sucker for the sweet episodes. I love the ending to this one, where Homer wrangles the whole town to help Ned, and the whole town is willing because of Ned’s decency. I love good guy Homer.

This isn’t as moving as Lisa’s Substitute, but it’s funnier. But I can still find a better sweet/funny episode. This one doesn’t quite make the cut.

Homer the Heretic:

Jaw-dropping hilarious joke: Almost. The sequence of Homer skipping church and having the greatest morning ever, complete with wrapping a waffle around a stick of butter, and enjoying a football game that replaces a news talk show on TV for no reason, is a masterpiece.

Lots of good jokes: This episode stands out for having one of the best sequences of the series, but it slows down a little in the second half. It picks up at the end though when Homer fantasizes Ned’s house burning down while he relaxes in the hammock.

Something that stands out: Yes, the skipping church sequence.

Is it good: It’s funny and clever but doesn’t have its own story arc that is particularly strong on its own.

Is it sweet: Not particularly. Ned does a good thing for Homer, and I suppose if you think faith is a good thing you’ll enjoy the ending.

A great one, maybe not quite funny enough to make the cut.

I Love Lisa:

Jaw-dropping hilarious joke: Not quite.

Lots of good jokes: Oh god yes. It says “choo” on it and there’s a picture of a train! Homer using Ralph to do yardwork. Chief Wiggum shooting a nut and then threatening the rest of the nuts. “Everyone knows I’m the best actor in this ridiculous school!” “I am not a butt.” Bart as John Wilkes Booth. The George Washington play inspiring the bullies to go learn more about American history. The soundtrack, which bookends the episode with “Monster Mash.” This is when the Simpsons hits its 3 hilarious jokes per minute stride.

Something that Stands Out: For some reason “I choo-choo-choose you has always stuck out in my head. And as a fan of the season of fall I’m also a fan of the fall episodes. When I was a kid fall was an actual season.

Is it good: Yes. It’s not amazing, but any show that makes its own President’s Day episode gets some points from me.

Is it sweet: Kinda. The ending is a good resolution. If Homer is the primary joke maker of the show and Bart is the little asshole who’s too charismatic to hate, then Lisa is the heart, and secretly the best character.

This one didn’t make my first cut because I assumed my affection for it was nostalgia, but it definitely makes the list.

Bart Gets an Elephant:

Jaw-dropping hilarious joke: Ehhhh maybe not, but it has about three that are damn close.

Lots of good jokes: A guy who works in a peanut shop giving an extended monologue about how he was right to initiate a training for how to deal with a rampaging elephant even though everyone laughed at him, but then getting trampled anyway because he took too long to deliver the monologue is the highlight of this one, but there are dozens of others.

Something that Stands out: Not particularly, other than that when I think about this episode I think about just how many highlights it has. Barney Gumble is trapped inside an oil pit for some reason. As soon as he is rescued he lights up a cigarette and the tar on his body causes him to catch fire. He doesn’t even smoke!

Is it good: Yes. I love most Bart episodes, especially the ones that show that deep down Bart is just a sweet kid who’s weird enough to fall in love with a pet elephant.

Is it sweet: Not really. Maybe a little.

This will probably make the cut.

Lisa’s Rival:

Jaw-dropping hilarious joke: Sugar.

Lots of good jokes. Yep. Bart gets Milhouse on the FBI’s Most Wanted List, then tips off the FBI as to his location.

Something that Stands Out: I don’t know why, but I’ve always loved that during the saxophone competition between Lisa and her rival, all the other kids are dancing. To me that’s why the Simpsons isn’t just hysterical, it’s also good and decent in a way that none of its descendants ever really were. There’s something so wholesome about all these kids just appreciating good saxophone music.

Is it good: Yes. It’s great. Lisa learns a lesson and makes a friend.

Is it sweet: Yes. Most Lisa episodes usually are.

I love this episode. It is near and dear to my heart, and not even for the jokes as much as for the story.

Grampa Vs. Sexual Inadequacy:

Jaw-dropping hilarious joke: Yes. They didn’t start chasing us until you turned on that chase music.

Lots of good jokes: Yes. Dozens. Mostly in the middle, when Homer and Abe go into business together.

Something that stands out: Chase music.

Is it good: It’s great. One of my favorite serious moments at the end where Homer and Abe come to terms with the fact that they’re both screw ups.

Is it sweet: Yeah.

Is the middle section of this episode strong enough to carry a slightly less memorable beginning, and a weaker side-story? Possibly.

A Star is Burns:

Jaw-dropping hilarious joke: McBain 4, Let’s Get Silly.

Lots of good jokes: Upon further inspection, these are loafers isn’t even the funniest part of this episode, which ends with George C. Scott winning an Oscar for stealing Hans Moleman’s idea for a movie. Yes.

Something that Stands Out: I always thought Man Gets Hit By Football looked like a pretty damn good movie.

Is it good: Yes. I actually love that they did a crossover episode with the Critic, even though Matt Groening apparently hated it.

Is it sweet: Not particularly.

This episode has so many highlights that it has to at least be in consideration.

Lemon of Troy:

Jaw-dropping hilarious joke: I don’t think so.

Lots of good jokes: Yes, this episode in fact ups the ante on jokes per second. The fake wig that makes Bart look like the Beatles. The Homer doppleganger who bites into a lemon and pretends not to hate it.

Something that stands out: Not that I can think of.

Is it good: Yes, as a story this is one of my favorite episodes ever. I don’t know why. Maybe it just reminds me of being a kid.

Is it sweet: Not particularly.

I love this episode so much, there’s no way it doesn’t make the top ten.

Treehouse of Horror V:

Jaw-dropping hilarious joke: I’ve always loved Homer turning the car around twice to lock the house doors.

Lots of good jokes: This is the best Treehouse of Horror episode so it automatically warrants consideration. Anyway, yes, there are lots of good jokes. Nightmare Cafeteria is slightly weaker than the other two for comedy, but it’s the scariest of the three.

Something that stands out: It always bugged me that Homer turned down a rich and fancy life with no sisters-in-law because he couldn’t stick around for another 10 seconds to see that it rained donuts.

Is it good: I’m starting to wonder if maybe the Treehouse of Horror where Willie haunts the kids’ dreams isn’t better than this one. But no, don’t overthink this. These are three perfect mini-stories.

Is it sweet: Um, Willie keeps trying to save the day?

I don’t think this will make the cut but it is glorious.

Team Homer:

Jaw-dropping hilarious joke: I can quote the entire “that team sure did suck last night” sequence, up to the ensuing conversation Homer has with his children.

Lots of good jokes: Oh god yes. Every damn minute of this masterpiece.

Something that stands out: I mean I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.”

Is it good: Yes, mostly just for how funny it is.

Is it sweet: No.

This is when these episodes start to get so funny that trying to rank them is kind of impossible and not even really that satisfying. But this has always stood out in my mind and will make the top ten.

Raging Abe Simpson:

Jaw-dropping hilarious joke: not really

Lots of good jokes: Yes. It really isn’t fair that a pelican chooses to land on Abe’s head and drop a fish in his pants at the exact moment when Mr. Burns is questioning his dignity.

Something that stands out: Abe, unlike his son, was actually quite the badass when he was younger.

Is it good: Yes. If this episode cracks the top ten it will be on the strength of its plot, which is possibly my all time favorite Simpsons plot (btw, all-time favorite subplot in an otherwise lesser episode is a tie between Homer going into the grease business and Homer going into the sugar business, which now that I think about it is in Lisa’s Rival, which means that episode is definitely shooting into the top ten)

Is it sweet: Yeah, Bart spends time with his grandpa and realizes that he’s actually cool.

Summer of 4 Ft. 2:

Jaw-dropping hilarious joke: “Hey he looks just like you poindexter!” “What are you talking about you got the dud right here! Stand up for yourself poindexter.”

Lots of good jokes: Yes. This is one of those episodes where the main plot is a relatively straight story about Lisa, while the Homer subplot steals all the best moments. I bet if I dissected this further most of my favorite episodes would be like that. The Bart subplot is also hysterical. “They must have seen you.”

Something that stands out: The whole Mystery Date sequence should be played on a loop on a tv screen on my tombstone, just so my mourners can enjoy it for eternity.

Is it good: Yes, like almost all Lisa episodes.

Is it sweet: Yes, like almost all Lisa episodes.

Lisa’s Date with Density:

Jaw-dropping hilarious joke: Not quite, although I’ve always been a fan of “you kissed a girl, that is so gay!”

Lots of good jokes: Yep.

Something that stands out: Another one where you realize that Lisa Simpson really is an amazing person.

Is it good: Yes.

Is it sweet: Kind of.

I didn’t do this episode justice with that description, but it is one of my favorites.

Homer vs. the 18th Ammendment:

Jaw-dropping hilarious moment: I think there are about 7.

Lots of good jokes: Rex Banner is having a birthday party where his subordinate cops take him out for ice cream, but he can’t enjoy it because he can’t catch the beer baron. That’s about the 97th funniest part of this episode.

Something that stands up: This might be the funniest episode of the whole show. I don’t know what it’s competition would be.

Is it good: It’s amazing.

Is it sweet: Homer saves Wiggum’s job, maybe?

A top ten. Possibly number 2 of all time.

Burns Baby, Burns:

Jaw-dropping hilarious moment: Too Many Grandmas.

Lots of good jokes. Yes. I was kinda down on this one for some reason before I started but there’s no way it isn’t a top ten.

Something that stands out: Too Many Grandmas. There are just way too many grandmas.

Is it good: Oh god yes.

Is it sweet: In no way.

A masterpiece. Probably a top five.

The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons:

Jaw-dropping hilarious moment: Yes.

Lots of good jokes: Yes.

Something that stands out: Yes.

Is it good: Yes.

Is it sweet: Actually, yes.

My favorite episode. This one isn’t even that hard for me. It gets slightly less funny at the end, but that’s like saying sex with Kate Upton got a little bit difficult at that one point where you had to think about baseball to keep from cumming too early. This is the banging Kate Upton of Simpsons episodes.

The Joy of Sect:

Jaw-dropping hilarious moment: Actually, I don’t think so.

Lots of good jokes: Yes. Tons. Many of which are almost jaw-dropping.

Something that stands out: This is one of the weirder episodes, and one with one of the best plots.

Is it good: Yes. Amazing.

Is it sweet: maybe?

There’s no way this doesn’t make the list

10. I Love Lisa

9. Burns Baby, Burns

8. Bart Gets an Elephant

7. The Joy of Sect

6. Lisa’s Rival

5. Lisa’s Date with Density

4. Team Homer

3. Lemon of Troy

2. Homer vs. the 18th Amendment

1. The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons

[biketrash]

New Year’s Resolution

 “New year, new me” How many times have you heard that? It’s a good mantra I guess. I kinda like the old me. Speaking of old, December brought yet another birthday. Forty-six so far (counting the actual day I was born). That’s forty-six New Years. While I don’t care for a new me, I did want to start my forty-sixth orbit of the sun off right. Elite Bicycles of Tyler was riding old Stagecoach road out of Marshall on day one of 2017. That sounded like the right I was looking for. My wife was on board. Let’s do it!  Marde and I were able to sucker our friends, Donald and Amanda into joining us. Scatter morning showers didn’t deter us. This was after all a rain or shine event. It was expected to clear up anyway. Loaded in my truck, we made our way to Lowe’s parking lot in Marshall. It looked mostly empty. A concerning sign for a ride scheduled to take off in fifteen minutes. Did we miss a memo? Perhaps a cancellation was necessary? Maybe they just moved the start time back a bit? There’s a truck with a bike on back! Hey, I recognize that truck too. If there was a memo, Tim didn’t get it either. As we are unloading bikes, Sam pulls up. Our group is growing. One after another, bike carrying cars begin pulling in. We are soon 20+ strong. With all the non squares in attendance, we rolled out of the lot and headed east on Poplar. The first ride of the year had begun!

From L-R behind me: Donald, Amanda, Tim, Sam.

 The damp air rushed across my body as the tandem picked up speed. I am glad I didn’t carry through with taken off my long sleeve shirt back at the truck. I had certainly thought about it. Much descending didn’t allow for warming up. The fact that we’ll be climbing all this later does cross my mind. Tandems are supersonic down hill machines. Marde and I coast through the group. We are passing people I know are my superior fitness wise. Thankfully arrogance is kept at bay with the occasional elevation correction. As soon as the road levels out or, Heaven forbid turns uphill, the Jones pair is put back in our proper spot on the cycling pecking order. Tandems don’t climb well. Lynette, on her single speed, eases past Marde and I on the climbs before we ease back past her on the next drop in altitude. Back and forth we go as we continue on Poplar towards Stagecoach.  At the start of Stagecoach, the stretched out gang of cyclist regroups. From here we say goodbye to the pavement. Dirt will be our friend for the next several miles. As per usual, the tandem finds it’s rightful place at the back of the pack. Here Marde makes a new friend. A Great Dane mix is walking the road. On all fours, he is tall enough Dirk Nowitzki could pet him without stooping over. Even though we are already behind our group, we must stop and scratch his ears before continuing on. 

We couldn’t NOT pet him...

 The dirt surface of the road is fantastic. Deep cuts in the landscape put us between tall clay walls as we pedal away from Marshall. A misty fog hangs in the trees all around us. A fitting look for a road some claim to be haunted. The ghost of fitness past is the only thing scaring me though.

Creepy and cool

Tires deserve dirt

 Mile eight brings the fork in the road that will make this ride a lollipop. An out and back with a loop in it. Large logging machines sit idle as the Lumberjacks are off for the holiday. A couple in the group bid us farewell as they turn back down the lollipop’s stem and head back to Marshall. We take the left fork towards Karnack and speed down hill. Once again the tandem gets delusional and weaves in and out of some faster riders. Soon enough it loses it’s gravitational advantage and falls back.

Eight miles in

 Regardless of how far back we fall, this Tyler group occasionally stops and allows us to rejoin. Even when I assure them it’s OK to drop us, they stop and wait. “I like the rest!” one claims. Even then, they give us time to rest once we roll up. Leaving one stop, a rider takes a tumble. It’s akin to tripping as you stroll down an empty hallway. The road is flat and featureless. He laughs it off and remounts his beautiful Salsa. With weight back on it, the front tire flattens out on the ground. Ah, there was something there after all. Not fully flat, it was suffering from a slow leak. Once we knew he had all he needed to get it up and rolling again, we opted to push on. Far slower, we knew he’d catch up with the tar fast tandem in short order. 

A few spots were flat

The bad kind of flat

Tim on a break away

 As we near Karnack, we are reintroduced to pavement. With asphalt comes faster speeds. Even though we are faster, so is the Salsa. As predicted, he passes us without struggle. A left turn takes us to a Family Dollar. Most find calorie replenishment. A few take advantage of the reheat opportunity. One guy reminds us duct tape is versatile. A lack of bike bags does not deter him from continuing on with powdered donuts, Pringles, and a cold one for later. I see a bike tour in his future with that kind of ingenuity.

Dollar pit stop

A powdered form of genius 

 The group prepares on the return trip back to Marshall. Realizing they were planning on simply retracing their tracks, Marde suggests continuing the loop we’d already started. It would actually be shorter. The group elected to split. The ones aching for more aching chose to return the long way back. Those of us gripped in a sense of leisure chose to finish the loop. They had the advantage of aggressive speed. We had the shorter route. 

Worth every pedal stroke

 The logging equipment marks the end of the loop. The faster group will also come by here from the other way. Marde and I wonder if they’ve already beaten us here. Like them, we will be backtracking for here back to Lowe’s. This scenery is worth seeing again. Hills we climbed earlier are now relaxing. Earlier coasting time are now quad burning pedal fests. As we near the end of our dirt road bliss, the fast guys pass us. Well, that answers that question.

This hill was easier the first time

    Back on pavement it is now just myself, Marde, Donald, and Amanda. A couple of miles later, we are back at my truck. Sam meets us there. He had told us about the Longhorn Ammunition facility earlier that day. We discuss it again. Talking about a future adventure at the end of this one. New adventures are not exactly new resolutions for us. It’s what we already do. New year, old me. I like the sound of that. 

The OLD me and the wife