#it makes me actually want to kill myself because I am in poor health and the barriers and lack of availability now mean

[thetempleofthemasaigoddess]

How I long for the time, when your lips would kiss mine

Mihawk x reader.

This fic is part of the Beast in Black series.

*****

Three months later.

You smile, more satisfied than greedy, as Vice-Admiral Garp slids a parcel across his desk, close enough to let you take it.

"Thirteen million berries, including the bounty you were owed since last year." he explains as you lift the parcel to stash it in your satchel, without bothering to open it to count the bills neatly stacked inside: you know you can trust the Marines - regarding the money you are due even if not about everything else "Don't take it the wrong way, (name), but I was surprised you had decided to take on this assignment: it is quite a bit below your usual level."

"I am aware. I have been... in poor health, which is why you haven't seen me in a while, and I wanted something simple to make sure I had gotten back to full fitness. From now on I'll be only taking on level three bounties, as usual."

Garp nods, promising to call you when your services will be required. "Got plans for tonight?" he idly adds, leaning back in his chair as he observes you rising from yours.

"I am flattered, Vice-Admiral, but I never mix business and pleasure."

"That was not what I meant. I was simply wondering if there was a reason why a certain man who never spends a minute more than he has to here at our HQ has been sitting in the waiting room for almost two hours twiddling his thumbs."

The mental image makes a smile blossom on your lips; you don't bother trying to deny it, since it would be clearly pointless. "Figuratively, I imagine."

"Probably. Still..."

"Still, thank you for your time. I'll see you soon, Vice-Admiral."

Garp laughs; he seems to find the whole matter highly amusing, which means it is probably a good thing he is discussing it with you and not with the other interested party.

"He was very worried about you; I could feel it in his voice." he suddenly adds, almost as an afterthought.

A simple, inscrutable smile is the only answer he receives, and a moment later you have left his office and are walking down the corridor toward the room Garp mentioned.

Mihawk is alone in the room most of your (less memorable, but still dear to your heart) meetings have taken place in, an half-empty glass of red wine in front of him. He is perfectly still, sitting and apparently lost in his thoughts, but the moment you appear at the door he turns to look at you, relief evident in his gaze... or maybe, just maybe, it is you who are able to perceive it.

"Hello."

He reaches you at the door a moment later, Yoru hanging from on his shoulders, and for a moment you remain face to face, silent as you simply relish being in each other's presence once more. His hand brushes against yours; holding back from hugging him is the hardest thing you have ever had to do.

You happily follow him when Mihawk suggests you go outside to talk, but once you have reached the plaza facing the Marine HQ neither feels the need to actually speak; night is falling, a beautiful sunset painting the sky of a hundred shades of red.

"Has your leg healed?" he asks after a while, as you unhurriedly walk down the pier, the salt-laden air making you feel at home; after all, you were born on an island.

"Perfectly, thank all the Gods. And I took down the pirate i was sent to kill in two days, which means I haven't gotten rusty despite fifteen months of indolence." you happily inform him "I have started with something easy, so as not to overexert myself, but I am tired of sitting around doing nothing; I am ready to get back to business."

"That is good to hear."

You smile, finally taking his hand. "I have missed you." you murmur; it is easy, even pleasant, to utter those words, because no matter how usually strict Mihawk is in judging others, you know you don't need to hide from him, not even the most fragile, most painful part of you "I am so sorry I never called or wrote, I... I needed to be alone. To come to terms with what I had discovered."

"I know, (name). I am not crossed, and..."

"And?"

He sighs; for a moment you simply know he wants to ask whether those three months actually helped, if your heart healed along with your leg or the pain of knowing you will never be a mother, never raise the children you have wanted for nine years, is still part of you, slowly gnawing at your heart like waves gradually wearing away the sturdiest rock. If he did, you are not sure what answer you would give, because you don't have one for yourself. Rationally, you know the passing of time will help, at least a little, and since you have always thought suicide is not the answer you can't help moving on, or at least going on, by inertia if nothing else, and the occasional moment, hour, or even day, of sadness and complete despair doesn't prevent you from cherishing the small and great joys life still throws your way, from the gentle, protective hug of your mother to the pleasure of seeing your bullet, shot from half a mile away, hit the bullseye in the middle of the target's skull... to being finally back in the presence of the man you have never stopped thinking about, even though you had forbidden yourself from using him as an incentive to get back to what you had been. You don't want to be the sort of person who needs her loved one's affection to carry on; you want to be better than that, for yourself first of all and for him as well.

"It is good to see you." Mihawk says after a while; he can't read your mind (or at least, you have no reason to suspect he can; on the other hand, you wouldn't be too surprised...) but you could swear he knows what you are thinking, what you are feeling, or maybe he simply has the gift to say what the person in front of him needs to hear "I have missed you. Again."

"I'm sorry..."

"You don't need to apologize. I just meant..."

"I know, Mihawk. And... I feel the same."

Silence falls between the two of you, and while it is not uncomfortable or tense, as usual when you are with Mihawk, you perceive you can't simply enjoy it as you let time pass you by. You have already wasted so much of it, fifteen months after your first night together (a night thinking back to which makes you still shiver in such a pleasant way; a night that was the beginning of something marvelous, even if not what you hoped) and three after you had quietly confessed to each other you both wanted to be more than simple acquaintances and drinking buddies. You are still young, and rushing things rarely helps, at least when feelings are concerned; but as you said, you have been idle for so long, and you want, you need, to regain control of your life.

"A new restaurant has just opened not far from here; it is pretty good, I am told." you mention after a moment, suddenly thinking back to Garp's conjectures "Would you let me buy you dinner?"

Mihawk grimaces. "I'd be more than happy to dine with you, but you have to let me take the bill."

"I have earned thirteen million berries twenty minutes ago. I think I can afford a dinner for two." you point out, relieved that scowl was not due to the prospect of spending the evening with you.

"That changes nothing. I would have imagined a noblewoman would have been keen on respecting traditions."

You smile; Gods, you are so happy to see him your heart is singing. "Then..." you begin, lowering your voice to an intimate murmur as you take both of his hands in yours, the distance between your bodies reduced to a breath "What if I let you pay for the dinner, and then I take care of dessert? In my inn room?"

Mihawk sighs, his usual serious demeanor betraying his actual feelings: amusement, and relief, and desire. "I suppose an after-dinner drink wouldn't hurt."

"Great."

He kisses you - on the forehead, since you're still in public; when you raise your eyes to his, you can see him smile. "Let's go, then."

The descending night hides you in its dark mantle as you set off along the pier, your fingers still interwined.

[silversiren1101]

△ Mino, most embarrassing pregnancy moment?

Invasiveness: 6/10

Minovae goes bright red beneath pale greenish scales on her cheeks. She tucks a loose strand of platinum behind her ears and awkwardly scratches at the tuft of feather on the back of her necks as she chuckles.

"Aside from all of it? It wasn't a very graceful pregnancy... As much as we love our dear daughter, we've also emphatically agreed 'never again' if only because going through the experience again might actually kill one of us."

A sigh precedes her explanation. "You see, Jesyll was so... straining... because of my delicate situation. She was born perfectly healthy, but I struggled to make it there myself. Being what I am, I have to maintain a certain amount of both chaotic and lawful energy in balance. Too much of one or the other and it throws me into all sorts of trouble. Jess, being a delightfully adorable ganzi-gnome, means she's a little bundle of chaos... my body wasn't very agreeable to her. The vomiting... the nausea... the appetite issues... low energy and weakness... It was more than just because I was pregnant. I love her very much, we both do, but struggling to carry my own child like that...", she bites at her lip and gives a soft, but weary smile. "That was humiliating. Not to mention how much doubt it gave me if I could actually do it or not... be a Mom."

She takes a moment a think, resting her chin in the palm of her hands as she gazes down into the steam rising from her mug of tea. "The most embarrassing moment though...", she askes herself absentmindedly.

A light thump sounds as her tail strikes the ground. The table rattles slightly, as do the mugs and cups and plates atop it. "Ah, I know! The migraines were especially bad in the last trimester, and you know I'm a stubborn bitch when it comes to bedrest. I was even with every issue I had, insisting on staying on my feet and doing what I still could around the Citadel... tidying up the armory, tending to the gardens, helping the armigers with their studies... It drove Regill crazy with worry, and not to mention the knights in general. Everyone was on edge with me 'on the loose', so to speak."

She smiles sheepishly, clearly a bit guilty looking back in hindsight.

"One of those migraines hit me really bad at an awkward time. It was around four in the afternoon, one of those moments where there's not a lot of active movement about the Citadel halls. The knights are kind of settled in their current tasks until dinner shifts start around that time. I felt it coming on just as I was climbing up the stairs to the third floor--far away from our personal quarters or any place with a lounge or couch or anything to collapse in--and with no one else around. I don't know exactly how long I was curled up in a very round ball in that stairwell, trying not to throw up what little I'd been able to eat so far that day and fighting back tears from the pain. I was cringing at every far off sound, hoping it wasn't someone approaching."

She takes note of how surprised you look upon her saying she didn't want someone to come find her.

"No, I didn't want to be found. I was very sensitive and stubborn at the time... and defensive. Everyone was fighting me constantly on moving around unsupervised as I was, and I knew if Regill found out what'd happened, he'd make good on his promises to confine me forcibly for both my own good and the sake of our child's. He was right, though. You know how bad things were when I had both him and Sosiel teaming up on me about my health and pushing myself too hard."

"Well, anyway. I was found, and by some poor armiger no less. Imagine you're a fresh recruit and you trip over the tail of your Lictor's very pregnant wife, curled up in a dark corner of a stairwell for gods' knows how long... and she's the Exalictor and former Knight Commander on top of that." She laughs dryly. "He ran off before I could beg him not to. Unfortunately more knights found me while he was gone looking for help... it was a big thing. Yaker was the one that retrieved me, and I could tell he was just as mad as he was worried. Scooped me up without saying much--which is impressive because I was not a lightload!--and delivered me right to my extremely furious and concerned husband who had to sit on that rightful anger until the migraine cleared enough that I could actually understand what he was saying."

Your concerned expression makes her gaze lift from where she'd been idly swirling her tea with a spoon as she recounted the tale.

"What did he say? A lot of things I needed to accept, and I really couldn't deny them anymore after that. No no, I wasn't locked away and banished to the bed, don't worry about that. I was however banned from many areas of the Citadel and put on a timetable. If no one saw me within those times it'd raise the alarm and then I really would have been practically jailed. It didn't come to that, of course. I'm stubborn, but only where it's myself involved. I was so determined not to be a burden that I had become the most stressful burden of all to every single knight in Darvhage."

She then smirks and waives off the statement.

"A title which now belongs to our little girl now. Wish I had a better inheritance for her than that, but... she's damn cuter at being a troublesome thorn to look out for than I have ever been, that's for sure."

[real-total-drama-takes]

I am the one who rants of Gwuncan ship a lot, I believe ship what hell you want BUT DON'T YOU DARE SAY GWEN SAVED DUNCAN.

YOU FUCKING KNOW GWEN MORE THAN STUPID ASS SHIP IN GENERAL

AS WELL AS COURTNEY MORE THAN DUNCAN'S GIRLFIREND IN GENERAL!

I WANT THEM 3 MORONS TO BE TREATED BETTER...

NO MORE BUT COURTNEY BUT GWEN BUT DUNCAN.

Lame....

What if the girls don't fight each other but look at Duncan and go you know what we are going cry about this because Duncan wtf?

Our friendship Duncan... why?

Like all I am saying is I am tired of the triangle everyone being like ewww you ship Duncan and GWen or ugh you toxic if you ship COUrtney and Duncan....

How about let me be happy and ship them or make them fight to the death for mac and cheese at Geoff's game night.

Damn you don't know me.

Let's go Gwen, Courtney, and Duncan- I am driving us out here!

You can unlike or dislike shit all the time but why do I need be a hater with you?

Hmmm?

HMMMmM

Mhmmm

Maybe I just want be happy ship them or not ship them?

Meanwhile me hahaha playing with them like dolls they all messy and they kiss each other but Gwen is like this kinda sucks no offense! I nod then I let her chase Duncan with axe for fun!

I am like giggling writing lore on Gwen married off to Bridgette and shipping Duncan even fucking Dj in some stories and Courtney is hooking up Sierra... then some people are like aren't you a Duncan x Courtney

LIKE I AM MULITSHIPPER

I am trying to have fun with them.... but I am weird? One you of you told me to kill myself for shipping Duncan and Courtney....

HUH?!

DUDES!!!!! WTF!

I didn't even hate the Duncan and Gwen ship until some you shippers really said no let's claim this character only ours and our ship so health.

My dear kittens and dogs of the crowd... you sound like Chris McLean. I don't fuck with that.

Duncan and Gwen ship I would loved you if was in the first season of first ever kiss, first ever relationship, and then realizing it's not meant to be love that actually meant to be just friends due to you just being teenagers realizing the love for each other is friends.

But no.

Gwen- dudes... she did wrong too.

But Duncan didn't need drag Gwen into his shit.

Like dude. You failed your friend... this girl you cheated on with on Courtney. Like did you really like her or did you love using her more than anything?

Like man it makes me sad for Gwen imagine you get the guy that left you for the other women the main one and you think oh that boy is mine.

My man

My man.....

Season 5 bang *horror movie sounds* Courtney appears madder at you Gwen for kissing Duncan and dating him still wanting to be friends with Courtney?

Courtney was like hello. I am not over it clearly Miss Goth Delusion

Courtney was glaring at you never at him.... but Duncan couldn't stop talking about her... fucking Courtney.

My poor Gwen.

They slaughter all of you!

Gwen was brute of it too got praised for it I believe and I bet if she was alive. she would hate the fandom talking about it so much.

My sorry Gwen.

My sorry Courtney.

My sorry Duncan.

Anyway, mhmm Duncan and Dj ship era!

Let them kiss each other and get married!

[i-need-some-advice-on]

i already sent this to another blog, but didn't really get advice so I'm trying here,

Me and my friend group used to be friends with this person, C, and C was really toxic: like they'd yell and scream at me for having interests (Like once I mentioned I enjoyed Taylor Swift music and got told to kill myself, and another time i was talking about how I enjoy loud events like concerts and they were like "I bet you like pep rallies" [<- me not clocking onto them like making fun of me] and i was like "omg! I do!" because i thought back to the pep rally I had the same day and my school brought in a fire dancer so really C's loss) and they would constantly guilt trip and manipulate us, and there was this one time where C and I got into an argument (For them being a bitch) and an hour later they went into our group's venting chat and was all like "I have these thoughts about killing people in this group chat" how am I meant tot take that?? Cause I took it as "oh shit, this online friend who knows my address and has seen my face wants to kill me." and i freaked out and deactivated my account and deleted the platform cause it just wasn't good for my mental health to be there. I ended up going back because I'm one of the older people in that group chat and I view most of them as my little siblings who I just want to make sure they're all safe and they were all worried for me. I went back and looked at the chats from when I was gone and C was twisting the story to be like "Oh Connie (me) was being really bitchy, and trying to push a narrative that I was manipulative towards them so he's trying to make it seem like I'm in the wrong" which yk i just did not feel safe so sure whatever

Later, me and some friends ended up talking about it, because this friend who is like just barely not a child and younger than C had so much worse experiences with C, this friend (R) is in a really bad place mentally and ended up coming to the group whenever they got into an episode where they would be in danger of harming themselves and what did C do? C started saying stuff like "It'd be cool if we killed ourselves at the same time" ????? what the fuck!?!?!? you don't just say that?????? Especially not to a child who needs to be talked out of killing themselves????? thank fucking god R didn't do anything and another friend was there to call C out because actually if I ever meet C irl I'm going to jail. C also ended up doxxing R and I got all the screenshots of that and we ended up kicking C out.

Now, I WISH that was the end of that, that both us in the group and C moved on, but C keeps on venting about us and twisting the story to make us seem like the bad guys saying stuff like "I still think about that friend group that kicked me out because I have poor memory/for my NPD" when in fact we didn't KNOW that C is a. a system and b. has NPD

But, also if I'm gonna say something, C's DID is really weird, like they ONLY have altars from their weird yaoi anime (that they tried to force me and some people to watch while C talked about their piss kink- it was weird) and all their alters are trans masc, I might just be uneducated so if any systems could like tell me if that's weird or not thanks. They use their disorders against a lot, like saying stuff like they weren't the one "controlling" their body when they said all that stuff and that they can't help but act the way they do because of the NPD, but correct me if I'm being wrong, having NPD doesn't tell your "friends" that you want to kill them? Inside thoughts maybe?

So, C keeps venting and ranting about us and we've told him multiple times that we DONT want them to keep talking about us, especially cause they tag the youngest member of our group(E) who they used to rant and vent and guilt-trip the worst in post that make E feel bad about kicking them out.

They recently vented about us and it was the final straw, I called them out of their shitty behavior in the replies (I didn't want to reblog and not only draw more attention to the post, but also I didn't want that negativity on my page) but one things led to another and my group and I were getting hate asks and anonymous death threats sent to us, I got the worst of it with a bunch of rape and death threats and when I made a post being like "Hey! This isn't cool!" C told the anons in my replies (Not a reblog mind you, a comment.) to dm them instead of telling anon to stop. I'mn a victim on s/a, and so being told by someone that they'd come to my house and s/a me really wasn't good for my mental health and I ended up having a break down and relapsing on my s/h that night

We kept telling C to stop venting about us and just apologize for their shitty behavior and they sounds they wouldn't stop either because they "have a right to post this stuff" and they can't apologize for stuff they don't remember or stuff they don't believe they did wrong, they ended up blocking me and three-four others but left R unblocked because R wasn't in the argument (And we learned later that R had another episode one night and apologized to C, which none of us are mad at R for we were just shocked because R had absolutely nothing to apologize for and C had nothing to forgive R for)

I just want advice on how to get C to stop posting twisted vents about us and/or actually make them see what they did to us really fucked us over and that C isn't the victim. Can we ever do that? I'm tired of C acting like we were so bad to him when C would throw fits if we weren't constantly giving him all of our attention

.

[kalihaze604]

offline is the new luxury

Monday, January 15th, 2024

offline is the new luxury.

Seriously. I just deleted all my social media apps yesterday because I was starting to feel like my phone had simply become a time wasting device, and most of my “friends” and “followers” were not actually real friends, just frenemies and lurkers that wanted a livestream of my suffering to laugh at and someone to pity and point at and say “hey at least my life isn’t as bad as theirs?”. I don’t need leeches and lurkers silently hating and judging me. Go live your fucking life in the real world like I am?! It’s not hard to live without social media. It’s not hard to live without doomscrolling becoming a full time unpaid job. It’s so easy to stare mindlessly at a screen for weeks on end while you put your life on hold. It’s so easy to curate a fake image to sell lies to desperate fools. What isn’t easy? Actually being an authentic messy human being living life and trying to heal and recover! We live in a society that tells us that the poor deserve bad health because they can’t afford better and then we place the disabled in a complicated legislated poverty trap as a eugenics program to kill us off faster. Western medicine ain’t shit. It’s a failed experiment sponsored by big pharma’s elites. Same with the education system. Why do I need to pay for a degree when I can Google the answers and do my own research online? And find rare valuable books on the street or at value village for a couple bucks that silently whisper to me and say “I was left here for YOU to find me”. Like that thought about Google came from a rather shitty community member that stated “I don’t need a degree, I have Google!” And despite this person’s otherwise highly problematic views- this one seems to hold value. You don’t need to pay to find answers, if you want answers, either you search for them yourself or they come to you. It’s as simple as that. Anyone asking you to pay? Are you paying for their time and expertise? Their knowledge? Are they really an expert or just another fraud? It’s best to seek answers for yourself instead of paying a fraud. But Instagram is filled with people claiming to be healers practicing “medicine” without a license and getting rich off exploiting peoples suffering while making miracle claims. It’s sick. There are so many narcs online and in the sex work industry. But it makes a lot of sense- like these people are obsessed with their image and trying to pretend to be something they’re not which is easily attained via social media marketing pageantry. I don’t really have much of a fear of missing out anymore on online nonsense. You know what I’m ACTUALLY SCARED OF MISSING OUT ON? living my fucking life authentically without feeling like I need to prove anything or put my life on display! I am scared I’ll miss another day of sunshine before a week of rain because I chose to stay inside staring at a screen instead. Like it’s a sunny day today. I was supposed to be doing laundry right now. But I decided -ya know what, I’m gonna write a blog post about my thoughts and then reschedule laundry and go outside and get some sunlight on my skin (after applying spf of course like a good slut) and get some fresh air. Might go chill (literally) in a park with some lunch but I haven’t really decided yet where today will take me. I feel like I like the long form of blog posts better and I think this will be the only place I’ll be posting online for the foreseeable future. I don’t really care who reads this blog, it’s not really a space where I care about marketing myself to potential clients other than …idk showing my true self and personality and maybe that is scary or maybe that’s exciting and interesting to know that I’m not just a doll, I’m a living, breathing human being with a brain and a heart! Shocking, I know.

Why do I think that offline is the new luxury? It’s about simply not caring about the lurkers, the haters, the critics. Not comparing yourself to others, focusing on simplicity, decreasing stress and anxiety. It’s the whole “I’ll see you when I see you”, being mysterious and moving in silence so that nobody interferes because they don’t even know what you’re doing or where you are and can’t access you or bother you. It’s about independence. It’s about living my life in privacy. It’s about my own inner peace and healing my nervous system at the end of the day and I can’t do that when I’m doomscrolling or feeling so much rage at every single tweet I see talking about how brutally cruel this world has become and how evil people behave towards others. It’s not that I want to look away or stop feeling those emotions, I recognize it’s not good for my mental health to constantly be reading about hatred. There is so much hatred online! But anyways. My time is money. I no longer want to waste it on social media. I want to put my phone down and go live my fucking life. and that’s what I’m gonna do. Byeee

[king-aridam]

Wrote some hate poetry for my father that isn’t trauma detail heavy so I can actually share. Cheers.

[TW: a lot of mentions of death + small mention of Xtian religion in a blasphemous way]

I HOPE MY DAUGHTER NEVER FEELS THIS WAY AT NIGHT.

Every time I get an update on my father’s health, I find myself satisfied in knowing he is slowly poisoning himself to death. Bottle by bottle, I wonder if he still collects the caps. I wonder if the number of caps is anywhere near the sheer amount of fragmented psyches I possess in my brain.

It’s complicated, you know. It’s not so black and white. You were a good man, sometimes. If you blink, you’ll miss it. But I was never allowed to blink, so I saw the good and the bad and the awful and the cowardly and the filthy and the evil and every single version of you I cannot even begin to name.

Sometimes my parts miss you, though they would also sooner cut off their own hand than to reach for you. Every time we feel a small piece of sympathy for you, a loud and booming voice within, comprised of all of our voices in tandem, yells

“LET OUR FATHER DIE. LET HIM ROT. IT IS WHAT HE DID TO US.”

I’ve said before that my childhood bed was the first grave I woke up in, and for years more and more of us were killed by your cruelty, by your cowardice, by your lies, your actions, your lack of actions. We are a graveyard of tortured souls, many but one.

Were the lotto tickets worth it, dad? Did you win big? I know you sit there drowning in regret, I know that you know what became of us. Our old host let slip that we had DID to you, none the wiser of the fact you created it. That you allowed others to have a hand in creating it. Many, many hands.

You lied when you acted like you didn’t know what DID was. You’ve always been a piss-poor liar, at least to me. When you lie you stumble over your words, so different from your normal confident demeanor. When you lie you can’t look me in the eyes.

I know why you can’t look me in the eyes.

It’s the same reason every time I look at myself in the mirror and see my blue eyes I only feel disgust. I have my father’s eyes, and the eyes of my abusers looked similar. Different shades of blue, from the ocean to the sky, to the fake bright-blue of contact lenses. I look into my own eyes and I see the eyes of men that killed us time and time again.

I can’t look myself in the eyes either.

I could be worse, you know. You cry and whine that I never see you, you blame ME for your pain. I could be so much worse. I could be like you, a miserable and pathetic thing.

If you ever try to contact me again I’ll rip your heart out through your throat. I’ll watch you gasp and sob and plead, I’ll ask if you took a page from our book.

I’ll take a page from yours and ignore you, watching you convulse and scream in agony. I will know that you will know that I fucking know what you’ve done and I’ve always known what you’ve done and the last thing you deserve is Mercy. I am your God, now, I get to make the choices for you, now.

I get to watch you bleed and bleed and bleed.

My rage, a hemopihilia.

Poisoned seeds come from poisoned fruit, I see too much of you in me, but this me I had to become was because of you. I am breaking that cycle of poison and pain, I am making myself a better man than you will ever be, a better God than you ever prayed to. I make myself in my own fucking image, and I’ll make you beg for my forgiveness and then I’ll turn away, just like you did. Just like they all did.

There are no words within the English lexicon that will ever begin to even touch how much I fucking hate you. I tried to Google synonyms for hate to find them for this fucking poem and none of them hold a candle to how much I despise you, how much I loathe you, how much I want you to destroy yourself in your guilt.

I don’t have to heal beautifully and tenderly, because my trauma was neither beautiful nor tender. It was torturous, it was agonizing, it was worse than my therapist has ever heard in her double decades of treating trauma patients. Why should I have to heal in a way that appeals to everyone else when my torture is so horrific, so gut-wrenchingly vile that even speaking non-specifics makes people so sick they cannot stomach any more. How do you think I feel having LIVED IT.

Some may call me malevolent or cruel, they may preach to me about how even bad people deserve to live life, and they may say that I have no right to decide who is allowed to live and die. Who gets to be happy and who gets to suffer. I know that. I’m not actually God, after all. I’m not that much of a sadist.

I am allowed to heal horrifically. I’m allowed to heal loudly. I’m allowed to wish for revenge, I’m allowed to be loathsome and cruel towards the people who were even worse than that to me.

There are no words to describe how much I hate you, but I know that I don’t need to speak them aloud because you already know. You already think them about yourself. It’s why you refuse treatment, it’s why you’re letting yourself die.

I just wish you’d do me a fucking favor and die quicker.

[griancraft]

Dude what the hell is wrong with you. there are non-sexual methods of grooming? this is disgusting to send someone after they open up about a traumatic event. I should not have to go in depth about trauma that ruined my life to be seen as valid. But here we go I guess.

They ruined my fucking life. Don’t you dare say that my trauma isn’t valid when we’re discussing an adult with a power imbalance exploiting a minor. Cause that’s what happened to me. Non sexually, but sexual trauma isn’t the only type of trauma out there.

I feel stupid for feeling like this but I need you to know this isn’t okay. Im talking from my perspective as someone who was exploited. Groomed, really, as strange as that is to admit. Im saying that I don’t feel comfortable with people who support him following me. I’m not making any statements I shouldn’t be.

Tw for. Fucking everything I guess. Grooming, talk of mental health issues, so on. This is more than I’ve shared with anyone ever. I’m sorry. I don’t want to post this but it’s going up I guess!!! Fuck!!!

Like dude I had my innocence taken advantage of. They got money off of me, made me believe I had to get the job they wanted me to in order to support them because they didn’t want to work. I was 15 turning 16. This group of 3 adults ranging from 18-20 were proshippers who frequently gaslit me (the actual definition of the term) and exploited my poor mental health in order to use me. They used my symptoms of BPD and DID to make me feel scared they would leave and memory issues.

They made me feel like I was in the wrong for being uncomfortable about them shipping minors and adults. They made me feel like I was in the wrong, and that I was evil for standing up for myself. I am so fucked up bu them I have to constantly ask for reassurance that people don’t hate me YEARS later. I say I but I am legitimately not the same person. I am one of the alters that split from Kevin. I have not been me for years and it fucking sucks I don’t remember my childhood because of how much this overshadowed my life and changed it forever. I will never be who I was before that ever again. I will never feel the same I will never have the same interests or friends because they don’t know what it’s like to have every waking moment terrified. Terrified that they’re going to find you again.

Every time I see Everyman Hybrid fanart I fucking shake and feel like I’m going to throw up. My blood runs cold whenever someone gets mad at me or is upset with me. and it’s getting better now but it used to be so fucking bad I would block friends I loved because they were mildly annoyed. You don’t fucking know my trauma. You don’t know how this ties into my view of my body and my sexual experience. How I view friendships and relationships and how I loose everyone I fucking loved because I have hours long breakdowns about how they’re using me for something or making fun of me or how they don’t actually like me. About how I’m just like those freaks who messed me up for life. They wanted to meet up. They made me feel like my body was theirs, not in a sexual way but in a more literal sense. I wasn’t good enough unless I was doing something to service them. I fucking hate airing my trauma online because I go oh it wasn’t that bad but it was.

Did you know I had to go to my adult friend and get him to talk me down from killing myself? Did you know that they told me they were scared of me and that I was a terrible person? That’s fucked me up forever. Forever and ever. I will never stop thinking about that. Ever! I will never consider myself a good person.

They’re into MCYT. I never know if they’re going to find me, find my new blog. I used to live in fear of them finding me and telling people what I thought I did. I did nothing wrong but I thought if people found out what they did to me, how I let myself be hurt, they would hate me.

I’m. Going to log off for a few days I think. Maybe not because Im so fucking tied to this bell site. I’m not sure if I feel safe being here for a bit, at the least.

[xiv-wolfram]

The Voice In His Head - Comic Script

Endwalker - lvl 83

Wolfram faces his greatest foe. Before facing a primal.

CW: Alcoholism, Mental Health, PTSD, mention of thoughts of self harm (no actions)

Wolfram Saga Comics (Chronological)

This is the script for a future comic. Posting for those who don’t want to wait to get the story. Numbers indicate frame number. A/B mean a frame is split.

Narrator - "I'm not going to catch you up for this one. It’s a doozy so just go read the previous comic - In From The Cold. It has a good summary as well." Wolf on the moon. At the top of the tower looking over at Zodiark. Dark Thought - 'You really think you'll stand a chance against that? You're going to die. Although I suppose that means we’ll both finally get what we want.'

Wolf pondering. Thought - ‘…perhaps I could try speaking to Zodiark? Reason with him. I don't understand this at all. Why is Zodiark "evil" and Hydaelyn "good"? Zodiark didn't let Ysayle die. He didn't steal Minfilia away to be his puppet. If what Emet-Selch said is true, that primal over there saved the world. Perhaps everyone is judging him unfairly?’ Dark Thought - 'There you go again, empathizing with your enemies. What else could a monster do but want to make friends with other monsters?'

Wolf annoyed - "Oh would you stop it already?! Godsdammit… I'm talking out loud to you again." Dark Thought - 'Stop what? Clearly you want to talk to me or I wouldn't be here. I'll never stop. You *need* me.' Wolf says - “It is strangely easier to talk to you now… now that I know what you are.”

Wolf pondering - “… why are you your own voice? I asked Rau about what he hears and it's just himself… like - still a cruel bastard like you but not separate. Also, far less frequent. He's beating himself up I suppose? …but you’ve actually tried to kill me. A few times.”

Wolf confused, pacing - “So am I, right? If you *are* me… then you're simply stating what I think about myself…So why are you separate from my usual thoughts? So very different that I believed it when you claimed to be the voidsent?” Dark Thought - 'Oh, you're so close! So close to saying it! Why did you make me? Why do you *need* me and he doesn't? Come on - what's the biggest difference between the two of you. He told you himself years ago.'

Wolf furrows his brow, leaning forwards against the railing. “I… I don't know.” Dark Thought - 'Come now, surely you do. You remember everything from that night. The night he broke your heart and cast you out of your home. What was he so upset about?'

Wolf ponders sadly - “Well…he was upset about my past. The things I'd done. Understandably so.” Dark Thought - 'No, that was just the idea you latched onto because you didn't understand him properly. He was disturbed - sure. Horrified - most definitely. But what *really* set him off? How about another clue, eh?'

Wolf crosses his arms, annoyed - “You could simply tell me. You're me. If you know then I know.” Dark Thought - 'I can’t make it that easy on you. You deserve to struggle. It's all you deserve. So - here’s your clue. Recently, he told you that he could kill you if he needed to. That it wouldn't destroy him. He wasn't lying, despite how much he loves you. And he told you why.'

Wolf leans with his back against the railing - “... because he already blames himself for so many deaths… that one more wouldn't tip the scales essentially. …Poor Rau, he carries so much guilt with him. Blames himself even when he need not.” Dark Thought - 'Ah… you're *so close*. Now - back to the difference between you two. The thing that made him so furious he shoved you away and stormed out claiming he'd have you arrested if he ever saw you again.'

Wolf confused - “Well...he said I shifted the blame, that my family's death was my fault - not the Garleans. Which is true. I’m not sure why I reacted that way... Yet not long afterwards I did accept it. I've spent my life trying to make amends.” Dark Thought - ‘Yes, but the guilt. Do you carry it with you as he does? Do you take it out from time to time? Stare at it. Think about it?'

Wolf annoyed - “I feel guilt! Of course I do! Hells you're always reminding me what a horrible monster I am. Why do I need to think any more on it. It's there and you remind me every chance you get. You - '

Wolf surprised, finally understanding - "Oh! You're relentless. You're too much. Just berating me until I break down into a sobbing mess. So I do what I've been doing for the past 13 years. I have a drink… to put you away. To quiet you enough that I may go about my day. Get done what needs doing… because if I'm fighting. If I'm helping people. I'm not paying attention to you…a…”

Wolf ponders, hand to his head in confusion - “um…a…manifestation of my guilt that I ignore and distract myself from because otherwise I’d be so overwhelmed I couldn’t function?"

Wolf ponders curiously, looking up at his forehead. Thought - ‘What? Nothing to say now? Alright then… I know what I need to do. Stop distracting myself. And now that I know what you really are, maybe I won’t be overwhelmed? Perhaps I’m finally ready? I’ll take the guilt out and examine it. Let myself feel it… *really* feel it. I will, I swear it.’

Shot of Wolf leaning over with his hands on the railing looking over at Zodiark. Thought - 'As soon as I deal with that thing. My last distraction. But from now on you're not separate. I may still be broken… but my mind is my own.'

Wolfram Saga Comics (Chronological)

[archersaturn]

potentially very triggering pls do not read if you aren’t in the right headspace to read about bad mental health stuff

(Seriously, don’t read the rest of this if you think you will be affected in any way. TRIGGER WARNING: suicide + self harm)

(no there’s no actual mention of drugs or alcohol abuse in this post I just put that warning on it so ppl wouldn’t accidentally click the post and be met with negative thoughts by tumblr user archersaturn.)

Tfw you were going to kill yourself and then you didn’t do it so now you have to shamefully keep existing on this planet after promising that you would go away…

yeah so anyway pretty much exactly one month ago was the day I was supposed to take my own life and then I didn’t do it so thanks to my cowardice and poor planning skills. Against my own will I am indeed still alive. Yay?

I am so tired of everything and I started to resent all of my hobbies (for whatever stupid reason). I didn’t want to draw, I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want to keep cutting and burning my skin for no apparent reason (not exactly a hobby but you get the point). I kept going anyway until I decided that it wasn’t worth it anymore, and instead of putting the effort into making things better I was just gonna get out of here. Yeah, go ahead, point and laugh at me. Literally was too lazy to make my life better even though I knew what the problems were lmfao. AND THEN I put so little effort into my attempt that IT DIDNT EVEN WORK. Guess that’s what happens when you are both dumb and mentally unstable. I’ll admit it. I did just say goodbye again to multiple people + a whole community because I knew that if I did that, I would feel bad about returning, therefore essentially forcing myself to go through with my incredibly well thought out and elaborate plan. And now I feel like an idiot not only for not killing myself and also for saying “omg guys I’m leaving the internet again!!,!,!,” or whatever the fuck I even said that time I honestly don’t remember. Like I know I was in such a bad state mentally that I was about to end it but seriously…? I couldn’t have been just a little smarter about it? Incredibly stupid

and now that I’m still here and too lazy to distract myself with hobbies like drawing or writing (you know, the ones that would make me feel better and more productive), I’m just fighting my compulsive urge to rejoin the tfall server because ocd brain says I must read every single little thing that has ever been said about the funny archer game. God forbid I allow anyone to peacefully discuss the game without me witnessing! To anyone who decided to read this: I’m sure it sounds insincere at this point because I’ve said it so many times but I am genuinely really sorry. I’m sorry that I am so upset all the time and I’m sorry for not keeping promises I make. I really do not know what is happening to me but I feel like I have such little control over my emotions at this point and it’s (obviously) a problem. I feel so helpless and it leads me to constantly try to correct or clarify things in such ways that it only makes it all worse (…y’know, like what I’m doing foolishly right now). Like I said, I’m sure by now that must not mean much, but I sincerely hope that I’ve not been any more disruptive than I think I’ve been.

Ahem… anyway. I’m still trying to stay away from discord because I really do have a problem checking my phone too often when I have potential free towrfall mentions waiting for me to read them and I refuse to let ocd win this one (and it would be embarrassing to come back right after the last thing I said there… I don’t really remember exactly what it was but I know it was embarrassing). It can have everything else but I don’t want to be so distracted by discord anymore. I already (intentionally or not) threw away my easy ticket to the afterlife so I’m going to try to start drawing again sometime but probably will not post anything for a little while longer. But, knowing me, we’ll see how long I’ve got that mindset for.

[irlkanamedate]

The current state of my mental health.

Gonna be real honest right off the bat. Its bad. You guys know its been bad but I mean its real bad right now.

Im a mess and it won't make any real sense i dont think so read or not, its under a cut.

[Suicidal, eating disorder, just in general bad shit I guess]

Its been months of feeling worse and worse and feeling utterly hopeless and lost. Months of constant bullshit from either my brain, my living situation, my fucking financial situation, or whatever else decides to come by and ruin what I thought was things getting better.

I find myself once again falling back into the delusional spiral because I'm having a harder and harder time regulating my emotions and mental state and if I had ever been mean or snippy or just awful to you guys, I am genuinely sorry. I dont even remember a lot of this shit I did cause my visual timeline of things have been cut so much due to just being in this black fog of self loathing.

And maybe it is my own fault for self sabotaging and dipping from so many things. Ruining friendships and all idk. Hell i can't even bring myself to actually talk to a lot of you guys cause im just so... fucking lost.

Constantly torn between multiple different sorts of realities in my brain and being too much in a constant bad mood to feel comfortable engaging or I might say something bad or be snippy so I just run away from it again and again.

I am just some kind of burden to you guys in my own mind. Some kinda burden to my own family. Just some hopeless directionless corpse that genuinely feels like I have made no real impact to anyone. And it isnt any of your faults. I know this isn't really... true. But its such an active hard struggle to fight against this pure delusional thought that I get so tired.

I get so tired trying to just... remind myself over and over. And then my brain fight back going like "if it isnt true then why are you the only one saying it? Where is your proof?" Or pulling some other bullshit move to make me believe this false reality.

Im so tired guys. But I hate being a burden. You guys say I'm not some times but I can't stop feeling like one.

Im not saying this or ever do anything to make you guys shower me in affection and love. I never want to manipulate that sort of thing. I never intend to. But sometimes I think I do it subconsciously cause im just fucking blinded by so much shit.

I cant help but think how much I might actually be a horrible person.

Especially when I want to be mad. I want to get angry. I want to lash out. But I know its often unreasonable. But fuck when I try to be reasonable and hold back and try to be mature I still get a fucking shit result.

I dont know what to do.

I feel like everything is always and has always been my fault. My fault always my fucking fault. It's my fault I can't make decisions. My fault im a people pleaser. My fault I got assaulted. My fault I am poor.

I stopped eating cause I believed it could help my mom if she didn't have to feed mr along with that fucking bastard but here I am spending money on non essentials cause it made me happy.

But nothing really makes me happy in the end does it?

Im still here. Shit living situation, poor as shit, unable to hold a job due to multiple reasons. Unable to get proper medical care. Unable to truely be the fucking man I want to be. Unable to express anything properly and truely.

Im suicidal as shit. I made promises to many people I wont do it. And I still won't. But because guilt is whats keeping me here really.

I do love all my friends so much. I appriciate so much of what you guys do for me. And im so angry and upset I can't always see that cause my brain is so hell bent on killing me.

So I just feel guilty all the time. That I still feel like fucking shit even though I get love and care. I feel guilty for asking for things. Feel guilty for taking up space, for needing things, for just being alive but also feeling guilty for wanting to die all the time now. But I can't kill myself cause I feel guilty for breaking promises and making people sad. But I feel guilty for expressing just how bad I am cause that makes people sad.

Im stuck here by guilt and I dont know how to change that so I just feel worse and worse and worse. I cant eat but I try to eat a little so I dont make people feel too bad but I hate eating.

I dont know. I just dont know anymore.

I cant see any real future for me. I just can't.

And so im just... stuck here. Just existing day by day. Silently hoping one day I just never wake up again. Cause then I didnt make that choice. Something or someone else did for me. And I wont have to feel that guilty. Or something. Or at all cause I wasn't really awake. I dont know.

Im sorry. I'm just not ok. And this isnt even all of it i dont think but im just... so tired.

I am so tired guys.

[blahandwhatever]

Weird feelings

- This morning I was woken up by some noise outside. I looked out the window and saw the two trees in the middle of my view getting chopped down. I didn’t get that emotional about it - I didn’t have as much attachment to these trees as I have to others, and at least the view left behind is still pretty green - but it feels kind of naked, and I feel kind of naked, and another bit of beauty is gone.

- Last night there was a bug on the bathroom floor, so I grabbed the poor little hardcover art book from my desk that has become my go-to bug-killing implement, and, as usual (not wanting to get my hand too close to the bug, lest it LEAP UP AND TOUCH ME), dropped the book on the bug from a distance. Only this time, the book did a bit of a flip and landed with the pages down (i.e., the “fore edge,” as I’ve just learned this part of a book is called), and with my foot I flipped it over and pressed down on it to make sure the bug was dead if it was there, and then I stepped back and hyperventilated for about five minutes, and then I went and got some latex gloves and paper towels and cleaning spray, and then I stood there recoiling for a while until I finally built up the courage to squat down and deal with the situation. Carefully I took a look and there it was, sticking halfway out from between some pages near the end of this very thick book. Slowly and cautiously (lest the corpse be FLUNG IN MY FACE), I flipped through a few pages at a time, eventually reaching the impressionism section, throughout which bug guts were smeared and within which most of the body was lodged between two gross, stuck-together pages. Screaming inside, I unstuck the pages, collected the body in a thick layer of paper towels, cleaned off what I could of the guts, wrapped it all up securely, and threw it away. I think it’s about time to look for a new copy of that book.

- There are also some tiny bugs living somewhere in the vicinity of my desk, I suspect in my plant, which didn’t bother me that much because they were tiny and I only saw one sporadically here and there, and they never touched my food or anything. Until one day there was this meat for dinner, and I left it sitting on my desk for like 10 minutes while I worked on something, and when I looked back at it, there was a goddamn plague of these bugs all over the meat. I’ve been more cautious since and have not seen anything like it again, but I did see a couple trying to carry dropped pieces of my messy-ass Kind bars, so it is clear that they are there, and they are hungry, and I will need to get this sorted out.

- I went to bed with a random burst of anxiety, and I woke up (again, after the tree ordeal) with anxiety, and I went back to sleep again in hopes of having some dreams to wash away my sense of reality a bit, which I did, but I also washed away some mental acuity, and now I’m all groggy.

- Shortly after my last post on this blog (so much for that), I got hit with some anxiety about glaucoma because I’d read an article about the negative effects of Lasik (irrelevant to my life), and there was a bit about glaucoma in there, and a fear just implanted itself - because I haven’t had a comprehensive eye exam in a few years and am not sure when I will next, and the last time I did the people acted a bit weird like there was something off but didn’t say anything (surely if there was something truly wrong or that needed monitoring, they’d tell me?), and even though I have no symptoms and am a bit young for glaucoma, I do have an eye thing that is kind of weird for someone so young to have (maybe it was just that they were weirded out by - honestly, though, do eye doctors not get taught, like, bedside manner at all? Even if I’m not confined to a bed, I would like my doctors to not make me feel anxious or bad about myself, which a couple of eye doctors I’ve seen have very much done), which supposedly has no effect on actual eye health or anything but still worries me a little sometimes, and also glaucoma is an insidious thing that has no symptoms until there is irreversible damage, so, long story short, I should get eye exams more regularly, and not worry in the meantime because increased blood pressure also increases the risk of glaucoma. -_-

- Accordingly, one of my reality-avoidance dreams this morning involved me having glaucoma, which in this case involved my pupils getting all distorted and my eyes visibly falling apart at a rapid pace as I frantically ran from classroom to classroom in a school I was stuck in, searching for help. Another one I hardly remember involved some bad guy pursuing me, or us, or people in general. Another that I think was not a nightmare involved the uncle who visited us a while ago. And finally, there was one about Janelle Monae, whose music was some kind of complex interactive game, and for some reason I was among a bunch of hip young people gathered around a lake, and she showed up to show them how her new album worked, and they all were fans and already had it all figured out, and I felt out of touch and out of place.

- Yesterday there was a package-like box by the curb in front of my neighbors’ house all day and it made me nervous because why would there be a box there; it was not taking-out-the-garbage time, and they hadn’t put out anything else, and if it were a package, then surely it would’ve been left by the door or by the mailbox, not in this random spot; it made me think of the package bombs in Texas recently, and I waited in suspense for that box to goddamn disappear. Today, the box is flattened, which is good enough.

- Father has been a whiny little bitch.

- I was out of soap for ~20 hours and had to keep going to use the soap in the downstairs bathroom, which was annoying.

- Too little exercise due to bad weather + busyness + some knee pain.

- Shady people: Are you stalking me or is this just coincidence? :/ (Head goes, as usual, to the most horrible possibilities.)

- I tried some dry shampoo and now my hair feels and smells weird.

- I have a long-ass work project I have to get back to; I just needed to unload this.

In conclusion, my brain is still kind of bad. But I am capable of engaging in some first-rate paranoia.

[notallwonder]

Alright kiddos, let's see... Criminal Minds 16x08 "Forget Me Knots".

Spoilers and "thoughts" under the cut:

Okay, so the previouslies are JJ and Will heavy...ruh roh. We gonna find out Will's been lying about his health still?

LOL I'm still so excited. It's so funny that I'm still emotionally jazzed up by this silly show.

Hahahaaha Penelope "that's not how this works" finally

I guess it would be uniquely easy to kidnap real estate agents.

ZOMG THE KIDS ARE BACK. Henry you are SO FREAKIN TALL

I'm still laughing to myself about the...section of artful shag carpet?...hanging above the Jareau-Lamontagne fireplace.

Will I wish you had better taste in ties

aw no, Henry overhearing adult things. Hope you're ok bud.

it's so nice when a serial killer can share photos of his children to make himself seem disarming and safe.

there's that $400 of duct tape being put to good use!

oh no - is she supposed to be a surrogate for his wife? *grimace!*

yeah lady I also would be like WTF save you're fucking marriage? WTF???

EMILY VOICEOVER...hello hottie (voice)...

GOD. how are you so beautiful? every time. Every Time!!!

Aw, isn't it nice, law enforcement agencies working together to circumvent...rules and stuff

hot.

PG I really like this lil' jacket number

And Luke, welcome to the brown suede jacket club.

Oh HO. So Now we are calling PG out!! They know she is Getting Some. lol ok

Oh, Henry buddy. Budding investigator apparently (knows how to Google). He's sweet. Where....where where is this going? Is Will still going to die? This honestly feels more like...normal family stuff frankly. Maybe I am searching too hard for *meaning*. But usually...look, it's a TV show. It's usually going somewhere.

this poor woman is doin' her best, but she's gonna die.

damn, that's cold. she's tanking her marriage (ish) to make it through.

Luke and Tara partnered up! yay!

Tara, when is your turn in brown suede?

why would Indio police immediately contact FBI? Just on the 'strength' of the 2nd street connection? shenanigans. but ok.

"JJ and I will run interference with the AG" sounds....slightly promising. can't wait for no onscreen follow up on this idea!

awww. Sicarius is Murder Santa!

I should also learn how to stay off camera. But for fun and profit (not murder).

"Copy you"??? what.

murder elf picking up the package...

poor lady, she just wanted to sell some houses.

Extreme Home Makeover Ty Guy??!! Selling me gambling apps??

jeez. that's a huge fucking list of missed calls bud.

An ENTIRE SCENE with Emily and JJ in the same room all by themselves. what a gift. yes they are doing crime solving. of course they are!!! i love them.

yes they both look super fabulous, because of course they do!!!

just to reiterate for no one, i do not watch this show for the crime or the crime solving. nor the naturalistic dialogue lmao.

murder elf dead. lady hang on!!

Ramona I'm so proud of you. First, extremely fast resuscitation, A +. Second, you're alive babe! But you really should get your husband to change his hair/beard situation.

Yes, bazillion sounds about right. I do kind of miss CM depicting agents actually doing any kind of tedious investigative work.

EMILY. You are so gorgeous. Dear AJ Cook, thank you for this shot that is just Emily at her desk. I am not mad about it.

Yeah, so Henry. JJ is this going in the "I have to leave the FBI" column? Is that where this is going?

Henry you are my most favorite now of all. They are terrible liars. And this is a sweet through-line from the ol' "monsters" thing at Halloween five million years ago.

Oh! a real live timeline clue. "It's been 10 days since you walked out of this house."

uh oh crazy eyes time. he is gonna kill his wife. oh no. I really thought for a second the doorbell was going to be another murder elf. David Rossi!!!

I wonder if this will 'end' with Elias turning himself in to the FBI to try to salvage the remainder of his life. Hm.

Okay. As far as episodes go, this one again felt like filler - like connective tissue leading up to something(s) bigger. Ultimately not particularly interesting in its own right. But, bright spots? Not so little Henry Lamontagne. A nice bit of Tara & Luke camaraderie. Emily Prentiss looking fine as hell, as per usual. And some more Elias Voit time, if that's what you're into (I'm not, but it's not horrible).

Really missing...Rebecca, right about now. So Tara stopped freaking out about her phone and then.....nothing? Gimme a little something here, CM. An indication of some kind. Emily running into Rebecca in the hallway (oh wait, Rebecca got pulled back to DC, no longer at Quantico). Anyway, want more of that. I'm not mad there was no overt follow up on the Garcia/Tyler sitch. It's coming, I'm sure.

[the-teddy-bear-butch]

Hi Пчёлка!

It's literally fine, I have an ask in my inbox from November that I haven't touched since last year (so weird it's 2023 now. I hope you have an amazing new year that is uneventful and you're loved ones stay in good health <- coined phrase over the last couple day lol)

AS FOR THE LITTLE BIT OF SNOW I TALKED ABOUT it kept on coming then there was like a foot and a half, which wouldn't be too bad except it stayed like -23 for like a week and a half (arctic outflows my beloathed) and never melted the entire time.

tbh the weather's not bad anymore, it's still pretty cold but all the snow is gone and it was sunny today!!! I made pancakes an moved my plants to the big window so they could get sun to celebrate.

once again risking it all for some whipped cream.

tuque is such a fun word to say! it also has a bunch of different spellings.

The new job is going pretty good! I've discovered that kid's under the age of 7 think my fake and very bad for that matter Russian accent is hysterical, which I think is hysterical.

December was actually pretty good! An stubbornly optimistic is definitely the vibe for this year. I don't really have any new years resolutions except for maybe treating myself as kindly as I hope this year teats me. How about you?

Alas, Priory is still sitting rejected on my bookshelf. I got a really cool copy of The Hobbit at my favourite book store so now i'm doing a re-read 😂 While I was there I met the new bookstore cat and not to be dramatic but I'd die and kill for her.

I hope you're staying warm! I am so glad that weather passed and I hope it leaves you alone soon!

Gender fuckery my beloved <3

Literally so glad we don't live in a world where J*ke G*llenhall is Frodo. I do love Nicolas Cage but Viggo Mortensen is literally the perfect Aragorn.

alhdgskhf my family makes the best garlic powder and it goes on everything.

SPEAKING of Ronanceifying a song, I am about to send you the most rambly au idea.

I would literally kill for Paramore tickets. The News has been stuck in my head since it came out. It's totally storm cloud grey and reminds be of.. storms. Devil Is A Woman is totally dark magenta and you know that feeling when you're walking around and feel kinda like a villain in a movie, but in a good way? yeah that. (having thoughts of starting a side blog where people can send in music and I can do the colour/vibes thing. thought?)

oh it was 3 am for you too?

Quite possibly the last time I sign off like this, not because i'm going anywhere but because I think i'll ✨reveal my identity✨ tomorrow

-el

Hello hello! <33

I have some asks as old as September in reference to an ask game I’m not sure I could find again if I tried LMAO. The same to you! I hope the year treats you and your family with kindness and is chill!

WOW, that’s a lot! I hope it was at least fun to play in or something! Glad it all melted and it’s sunny now! Those pancakes look INCREDIBLE, and I bet that’s some damn good maple syrup ;)

Fake and very bad Russian accents are indeed hysterical! I love kids, honestly, they’re so fun. I worked a summer “camp” for a two week period and my best friend was a 5 year old who drew me a picture because I hung out with her when she was sad. What sort of job are you working, if you don’t mind me asking? :O are you teaching?

That’s a pretty damn good one! We all deserve to be treated with kindness, especially by ourselves!! Besides that, I just want to keep working on my silly novel(s), see my friends more, that kind of thing!!

Poor Priory, rejected by the both of us LMAO. Yay for The Hobbit! That was one of my favorite books for years, honestly you may be inspiring a reread for me now lol. Bookstores are my favorite ever, but they’re even better with animals! My irl bestie took me to one locally that I didn’t know existed and they had a dog and he was so cute.

Definitely staying warm! It’s actually warm enough yo be mildly concerned about it (insert TikTok audio “the weather outside is warm, the planet is dying). I wouldn’t mind it being slightly colder because I am gay and I must wear LAYERS. I hope you’re staying warm as well!

J*ke G*llenhall Frodo is literally the darkest timeline. Gotta say, Nick Cage as Aragorn does sound interesting tho. But for some reason this man is solidified in my brain as National Treasure Man. I’ve seen National Treasure once???

I saw you sent it! Gonna check that out right after this 🫡

I was about ready to kill for tickets! They randomly added a second OK location after the first one sold out, so I LUCKED OUT. They’re definitely nose bleed seats, but IDC, I GET TO SEE PARAMORE AND IM GOING INSANE. I’m normal about them. Truly. I think the side blog idea is AMAZING, that would be so cool! I have a silly music side blog too, but mine is much less interesting than that lmao. If you do it, let me know because I will absolutely follow it 👀

When I responded to that other one, yeah! Time zones are funky

AYO? I’m excited! I think I have a theory, but I will wait to see if I’m right hehe

Eagerly awaiting your next not anon message,

- Max/Lo <33

[funkymbtifiction]

Is it normal for 3 to constantly feel stressed about job performance?

It would be normal for an sp-dom 3, in the same way that a social 3 would be concerned with their reputation/acceptance, or sexual 3 would be concerned with their need to stand out sexually.

And is it normal for 3 to be plague with a voice in my head telling me to 'give up, you can't do this. Give up now, run away, don't let them see how weak and stupid you really are.'

This sounds like a strong 6 fix, but not being a 3, I don't know what their normal inner monologue is like.

It's like I feel like I'm constantly pushing myself to the edge to keep up with everything. I'm stressed over my work performance and constantly needing to step up my game at all time. I want to keep up with my producers so I could be more useful to the team. I feel like I have to be smarter, stronger and smoother because I need to be the pillar to everyone. I feel like I need to be the most reliable one so everyone can work smoothly, but it's pushing me to the edge.

3s desperately need others to see them as competent, and to be competent, but this is particularly your 2 wing stressing over wanting to "help" and seeking a position of power. Why do you feel like you need to be the most reliable person in the office, when your previous ask told me there are capable SJs within your work environment who can handle the details that give your inferior Si stress? Also, why do you think it's your job to keep everything running smoothly? Are you not part of a team, which means it's everyone's job to do their part, maintain communication, and support each other? Who made you the center of this little universe? (You did, 3! But... you aren't, and you don't have to be, and choosing to overdo it is still a choice. You can also choose not to try to be the center of everything. ;)

I've been pushing myself really hard to learn fast and be efficient. I'd say I'm far ahead in terms of actual production and networking than my teammates. But it's not enough. So I stayed late at the office every night. Work harder than anyone. Taking on more tasks than everyone else (including juggling between 2 movies, 1 corporate shoot, 1 netflix shoot, among other miscellaneous jobs I helped my friends with). That allows me to know more than other people but it also puts a strain on my mind and body too. I've been stressing that I need to be better everyday and it's become exhausting.

Then stop. Go home when everyone else goes home. You are not an ESTJ, so stop trying to act like one. There is a reason why people go home. And I will tell you, so that you can internalize it and save yourself from running yourself into exhaustion. The reason people rest is that you can only turn out your best work for about 3 hours a day. This is why most people prefer to do their hardest work in the morning. By 5pm, people's energy levels, ability to focus, and capability of doing a task well is shot. Going home, stopping work, and walking away from it to clear your head, read a book, and get a good night's sleep is essential to refilling your mental and physical tank, so that you are not worthless the next day.

Do not take on more than is your fair share, either. That work will get done without you stressing yourself into poor health because of it. What you need is self-care, so that you don't burn out and crash.

I realize for an ENTP, this is a hard thing to process, because you assume you can go forever without exhaustion catching up to you and destroying you. But take it from someone who has had to learn the hard way that over-working, taking on too much, etc., leads down a bad road. I have killed myself writing for 9 hours a day, when my best work was in the first three. I have had to train myself to stop and not keep pushing to meet a word count, or do as much as I did yesterday, in the full realization that I miss things and am no good at my job when I am tired. I won't lie to you, it makes me angry that I am stuck in an ENFP body that gets tired after only a few hours, and that I can't rush from one project right into another, but that's how it is. I can either learn self-care now or I can collapse from exhaustion and spend weeks recovering -- in which case I'll get NOTHING done.

Set reasonable small goals and meet them, and when you are done with those, if you have a bit of energy to loan to your friends for their projects (making sure to ask if they want help, and not just take it over, or assign it to yourself, and going home if they say no) do it. If you are tired (trust me, I know that you only realize you are tired when you actually stop focusing for the day)... quit. Call it a night.

Look. This is a new job. You are going to make mistakes. That's being human. Trust me, nobody is looking at you and thinking you are an idiot. Everyone is thinking about themselves and how well they are doing. 3s think they should just show up at a job and be perfect. They don't want to have to learn how to do it like everybody else. They want people to see their efforts as... effortless. "Yeah, look at all I accomplished, it was no biggie!" when in reality, they were up all night pulling out their hair, drinking excessive amounts of coffee, and freaked about not making their deadline.

But nobody gets it right on the first try. So cut yourself some slack.

I feel like unless I'm special and smart enough, no one's gonna take me seriously.

They already take you seriously, otherwise you wouldn't have the job.

No one's gonna value me. It's almost like all I have is my performance, with that gone, I'm nothing. I have to be smart and strong and reliable so people accept me.

Welcome to the hell that is 3-ness. Read more about 3s. Read what Richard Rohr says about 3s. And then come to the hard truth that... none of the lies you tell yourself are true. Thus begins your journey. A journey of choice, rather than constantly giving in to these thoughts and going on 3 autopilot, which is "earning love."

You. Have. A CHOICE.

What do you think I should be doing? I love this job and I love this very supportive and progressive community. They give me the love and acceptance I've never experienced my entire life. I don't want to lose them, but I want to stay healthy, mentally, too.

Stop over-compensating. Take on the projects they give you and don't greedily suck up all the work for yourself. Recognize that you cannot do it all, mentally or physically, and that attempting to do so is going to make you sloppier in your work due to exhaustion. Go home when everyone else does. No more late nights at the office.

[forestwater87]

Okay, for all of you who don't feel like watching Miles RP as David

Here are some of my favorite quotes. Context may be added if I feel like it. Reactions are my goblin brain screaming. All of these came from a discord so if they don't make sense . . . see goblin brain comment.

(That link should start directly at the point where he becomes David; if it doesn't, skip to 1:40:33)

In roughly chronological order:

David: "Teachers are sort of like camp counselors during the rest of the year."

The thing is David is absolutely up his own ass enough to think this.

David: "Trail mix is expensive!"

^ said to show he understands why not everyone can donate to the charity for teachers. Very adorable, am crying.

David's "ooooh" seeing one dude was extremely non-heterosexual. Fucking bicon. Him losing his mind that one of the arenas is called "Survey camp"

David: "A person's hitting me -- I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry this is just pretend!"

This is just canonically how David plays video games. Either this or he's unwilling to commit violence at all, but I'll defer to Miles.

David: "That's very goat of you!"

Spencer: "Is David popular amongst his campers?"

David: "I like to think so! There's only 3 staff members, so I'm definitely in everyone's top 3."

"That also means you're in the bottom 3."

David: "Well, I choose not to think of it that way."

(I have to keep adding reacts so you can tell when one quote ends and another begins. Judge not lest ye be judged)

I think the other person in the stream is named Spencer. Friend of Miles. I know literally nothing else about him and am not even confident on those facts.

Every time he says something so non-David in his David voice I die: "I have a lot of grenades!"

David: "Oh my goodness, would you look at this beautiful scenery! Can we hike that mountain?"

This is so goddamn cute. I am dying. Miles looked at his fans and said "they will eat tonight" and I am so relieved.

David: "Not to be a couple of Greedy Garys, but I say we get this [care package] and then I'll drop another one!"

The fact that Miles is grinning like a lunatic the entire time is very good. (Also if this is formatted badly then I'm sorry but not all that sorry. I'm doing my best and David would be proud of me.)

David: "Didja getim? Didja getim? didja getim? How 'bout now?"

Spencer: "I didn't get 'em."

David: "Well, you tried your best and that's all that matters."

He calls healing "a little health kiss." I'm not sure why but it's very important to me.

David: [while jumping to murder someone] "Hi! Scuse me!"

(i just need something to separate the quotes okay)

David: "Well you know what gang, we did our best. You don't always win the 3-legged race. You did a wonderful job!"

Then there's a bit where they talk about Spencer's time at summer camp:

David: "ooooh hand-holding's pretty serious!"

David is too pure.

David: [dreamily] "Did you fall in love, Spencer? A summer love?" [puts hands up to his face]

Then there's the fact that David/Miles gets to pick where they play each round, and he keeps insisting on going to the one called "Survey Camp" every single time because it has the word "camp" in it.

David: "Now, I don't like to disagree, but . . . I was thinking we could go . . . to Survey Camp!"

Spencer reminds him that technically since David's the one with the power to choose, his opinion is the only one that matters:

David: "Everyone's opinion matters. And my opinion is we're going to camp."

David just steamrolling over Spencer's interests is very good. There are these little selfish nuggets sprinkled in among the wholesomeness that really capture the full David experience.

David: "Well, he's climbing up . . . he's coming my direction . . . oh, he looks scary . . ."

Spencer: "Is he coming towards me?"

David: "Oooh, I don't know. I'm dead!"

The positivity is relentless. I think Miles said on twitter afterwards that this whole thing was exhausting and I can see why. Being David is no picnic . . .

David: "I have a question: do we have to shoot each other in this game?"

And then a few seconds later:

David: "I'm just wondering if maybe there's a way we can, you know, help others. Talk through our issues."

And a few seconds after that:

David: "I was asking if they wanted to be friends in the game!"

I believe that moved killed him, too. Precious.

Also we're interrupting the real Miles!David content to share something my friend suggested to me while I was watching this and giving her quotes; she said that maybe David just calls everything camp to make life more fun, and then sent me this imaginary exchange that actually killed me all the way to death:

David: Gwen Santos would you go to marriage camp with me

Gwen: I'm going to have to change this story when I tell everyone

It made me laugh quite a bit.

Anyway, back to the video!

Spencer: "How do you sign up for [Camp Campbell]?"

David: "Well, um, you can fax, uh, an application to CameronCCampbell@hotmail.realwebsite.noreallyrealwebsite.com. And . . . you can know that myself and Gwen and Quartermaster and sometimes Mr. Campbell will do our best to make sure they get what they need! Which more than anything is love and support. And friendship."

Spencer: "How many dollars does this camp cost?"

David: "You know . . . it is, um . . ."

And then the conversation switches subjects and David breathes a sigh of relief.

Very shortly after this he changed his character from a woman (she was wearing a yellow shirt, which he liked because the campers wear yellow shirts) to "a Forward Scout with a positive attitude!"

"I like his style."

Spencer: "Does everybody abuse David verbally?"

David: "You know, sometimes people have harsh words. Mostly Max, and Neil, and Gwen, and Quartermaster, and Nurf."

Spencer: "Did you just list almost everyone?"

David: "Mmm . . . I'd say maybe a third."

Poor David. Somebody please protect him.

Spencer: "Yeah, I think people abuse David. I get that vibe. Or at least, I feel it in my heart. Like I wanna put ants in your bunk or something."

David: "Well, I think that says more about maybe some of the hurt you're carrying with you. And sometimes when people don't know how to process that, they act out. Do you want some trail mix?"

David just said his favorite part of trail mix is the raisins which is so cute. "They have a little bit of salt on them, which isn't typical for a raisin."

And he keeps telling chatters to watch their language.

David: "Who is my favorite camper? Aww, you know I couldn't pick a favorite! . . . But I know who has the most potential, even if he doesn't want to admit it."

I KNEW IT!!!!!

I've been saying for years that David doesn't have a favorite and gravitates towards the ones he thinks need him the most AND I FINALLY GOT ONE RIGHT!

David: "Well you know, Gwen swears and that's okay."

shipping intensifies

David: [gasp] "The moss is growing on the north side of the rock!"

Every time he nerds out about weird shit in the game I gain 3 seconds to my life.

Spencer: "Did you get teabagged?"

David: "What's that?"

Spencer: "It's where somebody places their most intimate bits on you for . . . friendship."

David: [softly] "Oh, I don't know about that."

Also David confirms that the whole show has been a single summer, so please see the "vindication" gif above.

David: "I know a lot of fun camp songs."

Spencer: "Sing 3."

David: [starts singing] "Bum-bum-bumblebee, bumblebee tuna, I love bumblebee, bumblebee tuna . . ."

Spencer: "Okay, please stop. I immediately regret this decision."

David: "Max said the same thing! One of my campers. And, uh, and my co-counselor, Gwen."

He's literally made of sunshine. I would die for this fictional man.

Spencer: "Are people at camp against their will? I feel like they are."

David: "No! . . . They don't always like it immediately, but it grows on them."

Spencer: "It sounds like they're there against their will."

David: "Well I just think that's a negative way of looking at it."

FWIW Spencer makes an excellent foil to David. Not as aggressive as Max or as dour as Gwen, but he brings a very . . . like, straight-man energy to the conversation. Like how a normal person would react to David IRL. I'd enjoy seeing these two interact more.

Spencer: "It's like your overpositivity is wanting me to balance it out with negativity."

David: "You know, I feel like that dynamic's pretty popular with me."

eeeeeeee <3

And the last one that I personally found noteworthy:

David: "One day we'll be able to afford safety equipment. Until then, we'll just have to deal with Quartermaster's Ropes Course. And a lot of pillows."

There's point near the last 20 minutes where either it got kinda boring or I just got too tired to keep track. But if there are any quotes you think I missed, please share them! This was a really lovely bit of content to feed our starving maw, and I appreciate Miles very very very much for taking one for the team.

[iamanartichoke]

Another totally unprompted ask, on the assumption that you are definitely no longer in need of them… another thing I’m trying to work out about Loki characterisation in preparation for perpetrating fic torture on him is how suicidal the poor sod is most of the time. This is another thing I’ve seen referred to a lot but only in passing. Though obviously this is a pretty triggery topic, so ignore if you want.

I am always in need of totally unprompted asks, otherwise I just assume no one wants to talk to me lmao

So, hoo boy. I have been mulling over this for, apparently, three days now bc there's just ... there's a lot to unpack here. Putting under a cut for obviously triggery content and also for length bc fml.

In my opinion, the response to "how suicidal is Loki most of the time" is "very, but whether or not he wants to do anything about it varies from moment to moment" (see what I did there? I'll see myself out). In other words, I have always had a headcanon that Loki is consistently, passively suicidal. This is a headcanon that comes straight from TDW, bc I'm certain that Loki never had any intention of surviving their mission. And that could be a whole other post, really, but the point is that even though this is a TDW-centric headcanon, I have come to adopt it as applying to Loki in general as well, not just in those specific circumstances.

When I say passively suicidal, I mean that Loki is just sort of ambivalent about the value of his own life. He feels like he doesn't deserve to be alive, and feels like there's little point in being alive. Which - I don't mean to sound all gloom and doom, like, poor uwu emo Loki (and I kinda hate that I have to pause to disclaim that, no, I don't just have a fixation on Loki being depressed for funsies/the aesthetic/whatever); I think that this mindset stems from really complicated places that I'm not sure I can articulate, but I will try.

I view Loki as someone who suffers from a severe inferiority complex, and I feel like it stems from being abandoned as an infant. Loki's life started with a traumatic event and, even if he doesn't remember the event itself, the feelings he experienced stayed in his subconscious. Feelings of loss, of fear, of despair and abandonment, of suffering - these are all feelings that burrowed into his bones and lived there for his entire life, feelings that colored how Loki viewed himself as a person as well as how he compared to the people around him.

Keep in mind that Loki didn't know he was abandoned until the events of Thor 1, obviously. We don't really know how old Loki is, in human years, but I have always assumed that he and Thor were at least adults (not teenagers), maybe the equivalent of early twenties - and the reason I bring that up is because it means Loki made it all the way to adulthood carrying the weight of a trauma that he did not remember or even knew had happened, so to him, there was no real reason for how wrong he felt. There was no explanation for the feelings of loss, of neglect, of fear. So on top of struggling with those feelings, Loki was also burdened with the alienation that comes with wondering why one can't just be like everyone else, why one can't just "snap out" of depression, why one's sense of self-worth has always been lacking.

So imagine what it's like to grow up as Loki. He was traumatized as an infant. The trauma has been with him his entire life, along with the confusion/alienation of not understanding why he feels the way that he does, and then on top of that, his basic personality lends itself toward introspection and isolation, so he likely felt even further removed from Thor and from his peers. Loki's too smart for his own good, and he's got an enormous capacity to feel and I feel like this is a combination that works against him as much as it does for him, bc it probably means he spent a lot of time examining himself and identifying all of his perceived flaws - and then berating himself for said flaws.

People with depression are probably pretty familiar with the bully that lives in your head, the one who is always there to remind you that you're stupid, or ugly, or that nobody likes you, or that you have nothing of value to contribute to anyone, etc. Loki's no different; he's got that bully in his head, too. Add onto this the fact that his brother is literally perfect, that he feels his father doesn't love him (or love him as much), that his interests in things like magic are looked down on in his culture, and that he's a prince (meaning that along with the privilege comes pressure, and being in the public eye, knowing that everyone around him is comparing him to Thor as much as he compares himself to Thor, well.) and you have a total clusterfuck of a mindset, and Loki's been existing inside of that clusterfuck for nearly all of his life.

I always go back to the quote where, when filming I think the vault scene, Kenneth Branagh directs Tom by saying, "This is the moment where the thin steel rod holding your brain together snaps." And it's such a significant moment for Loki bc this is where it all crumbles for him, learning the truth, but I also fixate on the "thin steel rod" part of the quote bc that's not how one would describe a healthy, stable person's mind. The implication, to me, has always been that Loki wasn't that stable to start with due to his general upbringing, his internal struggles, and his personality, so of course the devastation of learning he's adopted, and Jotun, would send him over the edge. One doesn't go from zero to 60; one doesn't fall over the edge unless they were balancing fairly close to it in the first place. And to me, the "thin steel rod" basically equals the aforementioned clusterfuck of a mindset.

THE POINT IS. (Holy shit, I ramble.) This is the foundation on which I'm basing my headcanon that Loki neither values his life nor feels as if he even deserves to live it - bc his default mindset is one of inferiority, of loss, of pain. And I think that going from being a general unstable person pre-canon to being passively suicidal post-canon is a thing that happened because, somewhere between the vault in Thor 1 and the dungeons in TDW, Loki just stopped caring.

Life is exhausting for everyone, but even moreso when your mental load becomes more than you can carry. Loki is exhausted. His experience is that things just keep getting worse and worse for him - he's never been valued, he's always been found wanting. He discovers that he was literally thrown away as an infant, unwanted and left to die, and things haven't gotten much better for him since then. Everything that can go wrong, does go wrong. His plans spin out of control. He's unable to prove his worth and his value and when he is, in fact, rejected, he literally tries to kill himself (only to survive and end up in an even worse situation).

It all just continually goes downhill, and Loki is fucking exhausted. He's done. He has no hope that anything is ever going to change - he will never be valued or even seen, he's unable to connect to anyone, he has no family (aside from Thor, but their relationship is so fraught with pain). As far as he's concerned, his life has been nothing but a waste since he was born and if no one else values it, why should he?

So - passively suicidal. He places no value on his life, and doesn't shy away from situations that could cost him his life. It's possible that the only reason he's not actively suicidal is bc his previous attempt not only failed but led to such a horrible situation that he's probably too afraid to intentionally seek out death again. He doesn't want to fail and end up worse off for it.

And - not that you asked this in particular, but - my biggest disappointment in the series is that none of what I've just written is addressed in a satisfying way (to me). That is, we don't get any real explicit acknowledgement of the trauma of Loki's abandonment as a baby or how that affected his mental health growing up; we don't get to explore how devastated he was to learn of his adoption; we don't ever see him reconcile his ingrained belief that jotuns are monstrous savages with the fact that he is jotun. He says "I betrayed everyone I loved, but I'm different now" and we're supposed to infer what he means without Loki actually articulating why he feels that he's the only one who should be held responsible for all these things that had happened or what "I've changed" even means to him (aside from not betraying Sylvie).

I would have liked to see these things addressed for a lot of reasons, but one of those reasons is that I would want to see how Loki comes to terms with all of his issues and his pain enough that he stops being passively suicidal. We never get to see that; after TDW, the time that passes allows for Loki to kinda chill, resulting in the Ragnarok version, but if there was any real healing or recovering going on, it was happening off-screen, with the audience expected to just go with "yeah Loki was going through it for awhile but he's kinda better now."

Furthermore, much of what I've written here is based on prime Loki's development through TDW, but doesn't account for series Loki's split from that timeline nor the theme of "Lokis survive" that's so prevalent in the series. So I don't think the "passively suicidal" headcanon is really appropriate for series Loki but, at the same time, I'd like to have seen why. I'd like to have seen Loki learning to value his life, or where the "we survive" mindset comes from, since that's not really been a thing before now. (Out of universe, I suspect it comes from the context of Loki just not dying whenever he tries to, but since TDW and IW haven't happened, and Loki didn't intend to survive his fall from the bifrost, framing Loki as an innate survivor doesn't really make sense, but to be fair, I'm just being picky.)

So, yeah. I'm not saying Loki doesn't experience growth or development in the series, I'm just saying that his arc left much unsaid and, furthermore, framing his growth as "wanting a throne to not wanting a throne" without addressing that Loki doesn't actually want the power of the throne, he wants the value and self-worth he associates with the throne, is - well, again, unsatisfying. Not bad, but it leaves viewers like me wanting bc we're cognizant of how much more could have been done.

I ... am going to end this now. This is probably nonsensical and all over the place, so I'm very sorry, and I'm sure this is why I don't get meta-starter asks lmfao bc no one's out here trying to read my dissertation submission for a Ph.D in Loki, but well, sometimes it just be like that.

Thank you for the ask and the opportunity to ramble.