#it may possibly be the last thing i ever finish too apparently

[polinsated]

@polin-erospsyche said these tags i wrote shouldn't be tags, and i trust her with my possible-inpending embarrassment, apparently, so, here you go:

i adore this look so much. the way colin looks at pen here will never not be used as a defence against people saying polin are 'rushed', or 'have no chemistry', or whatever it is they're saying now. and here's my little take on it.

-> you know how they say, you don't know what you have until it's gone. in this case, colin didn't realise how much he needed pen and her letters until they were gone....

—

this lonely, weary traveller has been away for months. we know his family doesn't often reply to his letters. and although he jokes about it, and they do too, we can all agree that he's upset by this, yes?

so in this moment, he turns around and sees the only person who has been corresponding with him throughout his journeys. he sees the woman who not only responds to every letter he sends but also who does so with genuine interest and fondness. the person who has made him feel like he has had a friend there with him on his travels. i personally believe he was alone for most, if not, nearly all of the time he was away. though, even if he did have some companionship; penelope was his constant for that time.

she has probably been keeping him entertained with stories, making sure he knows his family is okay, and asking him about every detail of his adventures. and in my opinion, i believe she barely ever mentioned herself in these letters. she has really been there with him every step of the way via her open ears (nay eyes) and written words.

and so finally, he sees her there, and i don't think he knows what to do with himself.

does he want to just say hello? probably not - look at his face! does he want to sit down with her right away and ramble on about things he has yet to say? or maybe just tell the same stories - because he knows she will listen, and she will understand, and she will enjoy hearing about them. maybe. does he want to hug her and say thank you? possibly.

my point is that i think he doesn't know what to do. it's such a short look that he doesn't have time to decide. and he's suspended in those moments when he sees her looking back at him with a huge smile on her face. he's overwhelmed.

i may be wrong in this part, but i also think he's a little surprised. he knows pen hangs out with his family a lot, but i don't think he expected her to be there right at that very moment he walked in the door. the man is baffled, to me. and in love.. despite not knowing it yet, hehe.

and it leads me to the sudden and heartbreaking point of 3.01. when colin has finished greeting his family, he turns to look at the featherington house because he notices right away that pen is not there like last time. and now it feels wrong that she isn't.

and if you watch that moment, the exact part when he turns back to his family again, there is something in the way his hands swing loosely at his sides, like a defeated sigh from his body - if you know what i'm trying to say.

his body language, to me, just screams disheartened... dispirited, or whatever other fancy word you'd see fit to use. but it's so subtle...

and then later we find out that penelope didn't respond to any of his letters this time. and i can only imagine how confused he is. because, honestly, he probably forgot about the horrible courting comment he made, and even if he remembered, he doesn't know then that pen heard it. so in his mind he is wondering where on earth his friend is. the possibility that she could be unwell has probably also crossed his mind. he is just - desperate, most likely - at this point to find out what's going on.

the thought of him, on his travels, everyday wondering why there still hasn't been a single letter signed 'penelope' absolutely breaks my heart.

and while i was about to end this post, i just thought about colin actually writing his own letters, and how he might've changed his tone along the way... do you think they ever included such words as something like: "i eagerly await your response." / "i hope to hear from you sometime soon." / "are you well, pen?"

or even this soul destroying, lump in the throat inducing quote that my mind has just come up with: "i've begun to think that there's a possibility you have not received my recent letters. for several weeks i have not heard back. not even a single tidbit about your mama, or my bothersome siblings. i must admit, my travels have not been as such fun or as fascinating as when i have my good friend to tell them to. i hope my writing finds you soon enough, or that yours finds me."

......

anyway, i don't write metas.. or i do and i never post them because i feel stupid and rambly and i'm never sure if it makes sense, but, i'm being a little brave here, haha. (thank you, luwen)

[radical-ghostface]

Missing Time Chapter.4

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Summary: It had been 10 years since Sebastian Sallow was sent to Azkaban for the murder of his uncle, Solomon Sallow. He was finally released and was intent on getting revenge against MC and Ominis for turning him in, but upon arrival at their tiny house, he made a shocking discovery. MC had a daughter, and the child was his.

Warnings: Mentions of Dark!MC, Depression, PTSD, and a whole boatload of angst.

Pairings: Dad!Sebastian Sallow X F!MC, Ominis Gaunt X Anne Sallow

(Alright ya'll this one is definitely lengthier than the last 3 chapters. I wanted to go more into MC and her life and how everything has affected her, and may have gotten carried away. Sorry I keep leaving you all in suspense 😬 lol anyways! I hope you all enjoy 🙂)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MC sighed absent-mindedly as she took pieces of her daughter's hair in her hands, swirling them around each other until they formed braids. Ominis sat across from them, smiling happily.

From the outside looking in, she probably seemed so content with her little life, happy even. 'What a beautiful family', people would think. What those people would never see was that her heart was heavy—filled with a deep despair and longing for what could have been and never would be. She had never quite been the same since the.. incident.

Most days, when she knew no one was watching, she would just lay there, not eating or speaking to anyone—lost in her own mind, in the painful memories of the past.

On these days, she would reach into her bedside table and pull out the only picture of him she had left, the one thing she had kept hidden, just for herself. She would cry for hours upon hours as she allowed herself to drown in the sea of emotions and pain. Her heart longed for him in ways that nothing else could possibly ever remedy.

MC never forgave herself for being absent the day Sebastian was harshly ripped from her life and thrown into Azkaban. See, what most people didn't realize was that she had no part in his imprisonment.

After everything had happened with Solomon, she was almost immediately thrust into her confrontation with Rookwood, preventing her from fully processing what had just happened.

"Children should be seen and not heard."

Hearing Rockwood utter the words she'd heard from Sebastian countless times set a fire inside her, and she was out for blood. This man was responsible for everything that had happened to the Sallow twins, and she would have vengeance for that.

MC was more vicious than she had ever been. The loving and childish spark was gone from her eyes, a cold murderous look replacing them. She was almost unrecognizable.

"Crucio!"

He crumpled over in pain, screaming at the top of his lungs.

She found she took great joy in his pain, watching him writhe around like a helpless little muggle.

She knelt next to his screaming form, taking it all in.

"You don't think I'm finished with you yet, do you?" she laughed coldly. "You have a great deal to pay for, and I'm going to make sure you pay for it with your blood."

Perhaps she had taken it too far because, by the time she was finally finished, he was a bloody babbling mess. Begging for it to end, for her to award him a small amount of kindness and just put him out of his misery. These pleas were ignored.

With every curse she cast on Rookwood, a flash of Solomon's last moments in the catacomb flooded her mind. Rookwoods curse on Anne had destroyed who Sebastian was as a person—taken away his innocence, pushed him to become a murderer. She was never going to let that go.

"Oh, I would love nothing more than to use the killing curse on you right now," she snarled, "but think I'll just settle for taking your wand and leaving you here to die. Slowly. Suffering"

She picked up his blood-soaked wand, taking one final look at his gasping form before apparating out of there.

When she had finally returned to Hogwarts to tell Sebastian the news, he was gone.

She refused to speak about it with anyone, resulting in several people assuming she had been the cause of his imprisonment or, at the very least, involved.

Shortly after this, she was forced to confront Ranrok in an attempt to save the school. She succeeded but also lost Fig in the ensuing chaos.

Her efforts earned her the title,

"HERO OF HOGWARTS."

She loathed the name. Hero? She couldn't even save the love of her life from a fate worse than death. She was no hero.

She had found out she was pregnant shortly after that; Ominis and Anne gave her their full support and vowed to keep her and the baby safe.

Regardless of everything that had happened, this was a piece of Sebastian. A piece of the boy that they had tried so desperately to save from himself.

They had failed him, but they wouldn't make the same mistake with his child.

MC had to live with the knowledge that if she hadn't tortured Rookwood nearly to death that night, she might have made it back in time. She could have saved him. Instead, she let her bloodlust take over. She had allowed the darkness to win, and it cost her the most important thing in her life.

Not a day goes by that she doesn't think about him sitting in that cold cell, alone in the dark, dementors sucking out his very essence.

Then suddenly, she can't breathe, and Ominis is kneeling next to her on the floor, trying to help her regulate her breathing and rubbing small circles on her back.

This was almost a daily occurrence.

Ever since Sebastian had been sentenced, she would get regular flashes of their last time together in the catacomb. She would see his face clear as day, the pain and utter defeat etched into his features as if she were standing next to him. She would see Solomon's dead body and Anne's flames destroying the Inferi.

She could feel the flames on her face, and she swore if she stretched her hand out far enough, she could reach him. Pull him out of this painful memory and into her life, but every time she tried, the air was sucked from her body all at once, and she was on the floor, gasping for breath.

This was the main reason Ominis and Anne had invited MC to live with them after they had gotten married. The other reason was that Anne wanted to be there for the birth of her niece. It was no surprise how attached she felt to this baby; it was essentially the only family she had left.

Anne's deep devotion to the baby led to MC picking the perfect name.

Anne Sallow.

She absolutely cried over that for a few hours.

They all knew Anne's time was short, having never found a cure, but that didn't stop Ominis from insisting on making her his wife. He was determined to give the woman he loved a happy life while he had the chance.

If anyone deserved happiness, it was Anne, and when MC gave birth, they made the perfect little family.

Little Anne was about five years old by the time her aunt finally succumbed to Rookwoods curse. It took a significant toll on the family, with MC falling into an even deeper depression than before. She could barely get up or do any basic housework. She couldn't even get her daughter dressed in the morning or feed her breakfast. She felt like a failure, like she was the worst mother in the world.

That's when Ominis stepped up to take on most of the responsibilities, all the while assuring her this wasn't something she could control, and both he and little Anne knew she was doing her best.

By the ten year mark, she had finally felt more stable, like they had figured out their little routine.

Despite that, the images of Sebastian never ceased to plague her mind. She didn't think she would ever truly be happy.

The sound of a question directed her way pulled MC out of her thoughts.

"Hm?"

"I said, now that you've finished braiding my hair, is it okay if I go outside and play for a little while?"

She looked up and saw Anne's braids freshly done. She hadn't even realized she'd finished. She must have been caught up thinking for a while because Ominis was now asleep on the couch opposite her.

"Yes, of course, sweetheart. Just be safe."

Anne jumped up excitedly and threw on her coat.

"Of course, Mommy! I always am," She said, giving her that little sideways smirk she inherited from her father.

MC rolled her eyes and smiled.

"Yeah, yeah"

Anne rushed out the door with a little giggle.

MC smiled fondly and glanced out the window after her, and that's when she noticed something.

It was Sebastian.

Sebastian Sallow was at her front door talking to her daughter. His daughter. Was she dreaming? Was this a cruel trick? Had she finally lost it? It couldn't be him. Sebastian was in Azkaban. He was gone. But- but he wasn't gone. He was here. He was here after all these years.

Taking a good look at his face, she finally felt she could breathe for the first time in ten years. Her mind was clear. She closed her eyes and felt herself race towards the door, ready to wrap herself in his arms and kiss him breathless.

But when she opened her eyes, she found herself in the same spot, terrified to move. It was as if someone had cast petrificus totalus on her, as her body refused to obey her brain.

Soon after, she saw him turn to leave, bidding goodbye to Anne.

She mentally screamed at herself to move, to run after him, and never let him go. Instead, she just watched him walk away, her heart breaking all over again.

Tears freely flowed down her face as she sobbed into her hand, trying her best to be quiet so Ominis didn't hear her. She didn't want to explain what she had just seen, and she had no idea how Ominis would react. She herself wasn't even sure what to think or how to react.

All she knew was that for the few minutes she had just observed him, she felt things she didn't know she could feel anymore. Seeing him felt like home.

When Anne came home telling her about a strange but friendly 'family friend' she had met, she urged her daughter to keep it a secret from Ominis.

"At least for now. You trust me, right?"

It didn't take much convincing; little Anne was more clever than most people realized, just like her father.

This continued on for the next two weeks. Sebastian would show up, hang around, talk to Anne, and leave. Never once attempting to knock on the door and talk to her.

This made her heart break a little more every time, but when he would return the next day, her heart would be healed again. It was like a vicious cycle of hope and despair.

She had figured by the first week that he would never actually walk up those steps and back into her life.

If Sebastian were as clever as she thought he was, he'd have figured out Anne was his by now and supposed that's why he kept coming back. She felt comfort in her heart at the thought of him wanting to be there for his daughter, even if he didn't want her anymore.

So she just observed them together, day after day, while keeping Ominis in the dark about it. She knew it was wrong; Ominis had been there for her throughout everything. He was her best friend. He was Sebastian's best friend, and he deserved to know, but she had no idea how to tell him.

She was also enjoying being able to observe these little father-daughter moments and just take them all in; seeing Sebastian get to be the father he always should have been made her happier than she had ever felt in her entire life.

She had just arrived home from one of her usual trips to the market. Unfortunately, they were all out of Dirigible Plums, Ominis' favourite, so she'd had to settle for real plums. She knew he would be whining about that for a few hours, but unless he wanted her to grow them herself, he was out of luck.

Ominis didn't complain much, but he was a little particular about the food he chose to consume.

"Okay, so I'm back! Ominis, they didn't have the fruit you like, so I just got-"

She stopped dead in her tracks, her heart beating out of her chest at the sight before her.

Sebastian Sallow was inside her house. He was crying while Ominis looked on regretfully, and Anne held his hand, gently comforting him.

She felt the tears spill over at the sight, and her throat tightened, squeezing so hard she wanted to gasp for air.

They all looked in her direction when they heard her words, and she felt Sebastian's eyes lock onto hers.

She felt so overtaken with emotions that all she managed to gasp out was a meek, breathless "Sebastian..."

Finally, he was home; he had come home to her.

They had a lot of lost time to make up for, and she was going to make sure to savor every moment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alrighty, you already know the drill. Tagging some lovelies 💕 thank you so much for continuing to support this series. If it weren't for you guys, I never would've made a part 2.

@bunnybabyfanpage

@irishgal2022

@krystal-kokoro

@hufflepuff-16

@snickette

@fullmoonwolfer1

@sonicranger1

@lilac-crown

@findingtruenorth23

@froggyinaspen

@friendly-neighborhood-boricua

[katarh-mest]

finished Apothecary Diaries light novel 9

Bah, now I have to wait until January 18th for the 10th one to come out in English, but that was some good binge reading.

Spoilery thoughts under the cut. No holds barred. Stay out if you mind. Mostly just trying to untangle stuff that's been rattling around my head as I've inhaled a novel a day for the last week.

JinMao

Maomao quickly got adopted by the aro-ace community (for good reason) but as the series goes on, I think she's probably more of a graysexual / sex neutral. She's not sex repulsed. She was simply raised to view sex as a transactional thing, not a romantic thing, and never saw how it could apply to her. (She lacks certain assets.) She also saw women around her using men and being used in turn, selling their talents and bodies, and decided she wanted no part of that aspect of being a courtesan, because she could see the damage it could do to both parties of the transaction. Her own mother died of an STD. Men in the pleasure district waste all their money chasing fantasies that are not real.

That said, she was trained as a courtesan and knows exactly what women need to do to please men, to the point where she was the one running the darn sex ed class for the rear palace.

I don't think she'll ever change her views on sex as a transaction, but Lahan planted the idea in her head that she'll probably want to have at least one kid for the experience, and there's only one way to do that. So there's her incentive. It's funny because she objectively knows Jinshi is attractive (and has a decent frog, ahem) but that isn't the same as being attracted to him. He makes her flustered sometimes and there's a massive level of denial that comes from her perceived status difference, but as the story progresses, we've learned that status difference isn't nearly as steep as she thinks it is. And you can come to care for someone, even love them in a non romantic way, without being sexually attracted to them. This seems to be about where she is as of volume nine. She doesn't reciprocate his feelings, and she really doesn't understand why he picked her, but there's an affection and some level of resignation that his infatuation hasn't cooled yet, and may not ever. (She hoped it would.)

Then there's Jinshi. I pinned him as the classic nonbinary bisexual stereotype at first too, but he's more of a pure monogamist demisexual type, if anything. (Or as someone put it, he's "Maomaosexual.") Which is a disaster to have as a position such as "imperial male" whose only real job is to try to father as many children as humanly possibly.

I realize now that pretending to be a eunoch in the rear palace was his way of avoiding getting forced into his own political marriages he wasn't interested in. Taking the "eunoch medicine" (was it some sort of proto-spirolectone? was it just a libido blocker? who knows? pretty sure it stopped erections and maybe suppressed facial hair growth to some extent) wasn't a big deal for him because he, too, wasn't particularly interested in sex. Not with the randos who only wanted him for his pretty face. Probably the Emperor being a lusty bear and the horror stories about his grandfather had him also decide he wanted none of that either.

Until he fell in love with Maomao, and then he wanted to have her no matter what it was going to cost him, no matter how long it took. (And no matter how long it took him to convince her to come around to the idea - which he still hasn't done, although it seems she's finally starting to get resigned to it.)

Too bad for him, Maomao being the La princess means that's going to be a messy political marriage too. (And it's what he was trying to avoid! Who could have known that the cute little apothecary that was working as a laundry girl was the missing daughter of General Lakan?) The whole nation is apparently already aware she's been proposed for the position of the Imperial Brother's consort - and her getting dragged on the trip west with Lakan and Jinshi in this current arc is all but declaring her the front runner and daring the other factions to do something about it. I keep thinking back to the hairpins - she has Jinshi's, Gyokuyou's, and even Lihua's hairpins still. At the right place and time, those three could make a powerful statement about how many allies she has in the court.

Other Character Thoughts

The real nonbinary beauty Ah-Duo, who had a hysterectomy alongside Jinshi's birth. (I had one of those myself a few years ago. Its been swell. 10/10 highly recommend if you don't want kids.) In a modern setting you'd probably be able to keep your ovaries, but she likely lost those as well during the traumatic birth, so she went through menopause at the age of 16. That's, uh, not great from a health standpoint, but hey, she's alive, and thanks to the intentional baby swap, her son's alive. She is the mom friend everyone deserves. I'm so happy that after she "retired" that she got her own estate and became the local zookeeper for People Who The Government Had To Pretend Died For Reasons But Didn't Deserve It.

(On that note: We now know for sure that Ah-Duo knows Jinshi is her son. She proposed the swap! Anshi knows; she agreed to the swap and loves her grandson much more than she did her second real son. Suiren knows. The Emperor knows but can't say anything. Luomen knows but won't say anything. Maomao figured it out but also won't say anything. I suspect the women in the Ma family probably figured it out as well - Taimao, Maamao, and Chuo, all independently, and all tacitly keeping the secret. Gaoshun may suspect but like Maomao, knows not to think too hard about it. Gyokyuou does not know; she thinks of Jinshi as a brother-in-law, not a stepson. Probably a good thing, considering they are close in age. I think she knew that the local eunoch running the rear palace was the missing Imperial Brother, and that's how their relationship has always been. And I don't think Jinshi knows he's Ah-Duo's son. It's going to break him if he ever finds out. Being "the spare" his whole life has been bad enough. He definitely never wanted to be first in line.)

There's the bisexual Big Sister Pairen, who could have quit being a courtesan long ago if she wanted to, but she likes sex work and has a libido the exact opposite of Maomaos. Maybe some day her prince Lihaku will be able to afford to buy her out. (Hopefully Maomao gives him tips on how he needs to ride into town. On a white horse. With a parade and stuff.) Having a true sex positive character in the same series as an aro-ace spectrum character to act as a foil is a great contrast. (The fact that Pairen is also implied to be a succubus sucking out men's energy to stay youthful is also funny as heck.)

Then we've got the one off characters, like the Shrine Maiden. They never call her this by name, but today we'd flat out call her trans. Not that she had a choice... she was castrated at birth. I'm happy her tale didn't completely end in tragedy and she's now got a place on Ah-Duo's Government Secret Farm. Same with Suirei - sure, she directly or indirectly caused the deaths of a lot of people as part of a conspiracy to kill Jinshi, but she was ordered to do it by her stepmother. So she didn't have much of a choice.

Same with Lishu. Her life has been one of misery but maybe she'll finally get a chance at a happy ending in a future volume. Hated by her dad. Married to a pedophile (that her father thought might be her real father - fucking EW) .... who promptly died. Sent to the nunnery. Sent right back as a bride to his son, still as a 9 year old. Even more ew. (The emperor absolutely treated her like a daughter the whole time, thank god.) Multiple assassination attempts. Bullied by her own maids. Treated like shit. Threatened to get swapped to the Imperial Prince as a consort. Falsely accused of infidelity because stress stopped her period. Humiliated. Ended up locked in a tower. Drugged. Almost driven to suicide. Saved, but sent right back to the nunnery since clearly she wasn't fit to be a consort.

That poor girl.

But she's still got a chance at happiness, if Basen gets to claim her as his reward. Crossing my fingers for them.

Going Forward

I can't wait til volume 10. Is Lakan getting dragged over there because the Empress's brother is trying to snag Maomao (the only La family princess) as a consort for one of his family members, even as he tries to force a marriage between Jinshi and his own daughter? (Or worse, make her become a middle ranked consort to the emperor as a snub to Gyokuyou?) Or is it genuinely because there's war brewing and the general is needed to help make plans?

[anzuhan]

april end innovade update (and possibly one of if not final update)

Statistics:

this was the first month in which i've only drawn one out of all trinities (michael only) (-)

the draw rate has raised since last month's 2.04 to 2.16/day (+)

first time ive drawn a piece including all innovades i tend to usually draw (+)

first time inclusion of 'others' (with the miku innovade designs) (+)

still only drew least drawn innovade a single time (sky) (-)

total drawn - 249

per innovade:

tieria - 59

laetitia - 15

regene - 23

revive - 19

bring - 18

divine - 17

anew - 14

sky - 6

hiling - 33

ribbons - 41

trinities

michael - 9

johann - 3

nena - 3

other - 2

—

ending note / long ramble about the whole situation

its been a long while huh 😭 exactly 4 months. minus a day ! on a year with a longer february as well, nonetheless. its been fun, but i may stop drawing them now; not to say natsume has utterly obliterated my love for innovades inside of my brain (though i thought of announcing it this way with a funny headline like BREAKING NEWS ! natsume has murdered the entire species of innovades in cold blood. we are sorry for the inconvenience), but also as of late it did sort of become a bother to draw them; mostly because of the keeping track of it as well and because i did not want the draw rate etc to drop. i did get to 1/4th of my goal.. minus one ! im not saying i will NEVER be drawing them ever again, but i doubt ill be keeping track of it anymore — alongside that, i do not think i will be drawing them almost at all anymore either (now, for a while. but they may still appear here and there from time to time.. as all my past fandoms do), so if you were only here for them and not me & my works, feel free to unfollow. i will still be up to have talks about them ! but i just wont devote such a high amount of time and effort to them anymore. it is hard to say ive been slowly falling out of love with them, and mayhaps even harder to say im falling in love again with natsume 😭 and EXACTLY a year later after i last stopped drawing him too... which is crazy .

i feel like besides this, it was also becoming apparent that drawing them has become a chore to me ; i was not feeling up to drawing highly detailed pieces with them anymore that id spend time on. i was not happy with the results on many of them either. and things like the page of every single tieria outfit, despite it used to be a thing i was once hyped about doing... back in january when i just got here, it no longer was that way. yes, i pushed through with it, but it took me a very long time and i kind of disliked going back to it, which is why it even took me that long 😭 and was moreso just done to keep up the numbers of innovades drawn ; for myself, for others.

i cannot lie about the fact it did make me happy i was giving to such a small fandom and brightening other peoples days, and this is a big flaw i have that i tend to put others above myself, but this has become much too big of a bother to me to keep on doing it. i still love them ! not as much, but i still do, especially ribbons. there is nothing wrong with them, i just do not wish to continue essentially wasting so much of my time drawing things i do not enjoy drawing, unless i am to see it finished and thats all the joy i get out of it.

as for the requests with the innovades, i am unsure if i am to do them anymore except for a singular one that ive also not received thru an ask but dm, purely because i am actually hyped about it 😭 and that may be the extent of which you will be seeing anymore 00 content from me.

im sorry if ive let anyone down & thank you for following me through this journey ; i hope to see you again :)

[my-rose-tinted-glasses]

A second long lost parent appears and this is where I check out. I've made one small post before and I wasn't going to make another but for some reason I can't stop myself so here it is.

Go Ahead is good. I mean it is so good. I just finished episode 7. However, there's this pit in my stomach every time I watch it and honestly I don't really need that right now. To explain this I'm gonna get a bit personal so if you don't care just don't read.

My father left when I was in the womb. So that alone made this show right from the start perhaps too relatable for me. I'm a grown woman now and I don't think about it all that much to be honest but it's a whole other thing to have it shown back to me in series format.

Let me talk a little about episode 4.

This was when I knew I couldn't really binge this show. If I actually wanted to watched it all, I needed to take my time and choose wisely when to watch it.

See I have a half-sister, younger by about 12 years I think, from my father's side. I've met her exactly once, and after that, when I was in my twenties I got an email from my father saying his father had died and he made sure that in the same e-mail he made me feel like shit because apparently I didn't care enough about my sister to go see her or ask about her. Can you believe this shit? This was a man that left me and my mom, who I saw maybe 4 times total in my whole life and he had the audacity of putting that on me.

And the thing is, just like it's not Ling Xiao's sister fault, it's not my sister's fault. But to care about her would make my father happy and that was the last thing I wanted. So to see Ling Xiao have that exact same struggle was a lot.

Cause this is not an easy thing. This child has done nothing wrong. She's absolutely adorable, at first anyway, and wants a brother. Understandable. But it's what she represents. When Ling Xiao is helping her with homework, I can see him being completely split between wanting to be a good person, because he is, and not wanting to give his mother that satisfaction. This girl becomes an avatar and not just a little sister. There's a lot of reasons I've still haven't met my own sister, and really all the relatives from that side of the family, but one of the reasons I didn't at first, was that I didn't wanna project on her my issues with her father, because he was good to her. Why would I ruin that? And can I really separate things? At this age, probably, but at eighteen or in my twenties when I was first confronted with this? I'm not sure I could. I'm an expert in avoidance so we may never know. And that's what Ling Xiao is battling at that moment. He has a family, he has a sister, and although he understands on a rational level that this kid is his sister and he could have a relationship with her, there's just too much baggage to consider.

So after that I continued. I was only 4 episodes in and I honestly thought it was so well done. And I mean I did consider the possibility that this could happen again. God knows there's enough children abandoned in this show. But still I wanted to watch. The scene in episode 5 where Li Hai Chao is drunk and talking about his sons had me in tears. And those moments sustained me. Because this family is one of the most beautiful depicted families I think I ever watched. You can feel the love in every scene. I have my own 'brother' that I've known since I was 2 and that relationship got me through everything. So these 3 have my whole heart.

That is until the fried chicken in episode 7. Zi Qiu's father came back and I thought I was okay. Like it couldn't get any worse right? But then that whole scene with the guys eating the fried chicken and making absolutely stupid comments, and then Zi Qiu throwing it all on the floor and then... well pretty much everything in the episode after that...I was sobbing. It was a lot. I don't know about other people, but ever since I was a kid until I was in uni there was always a part of me that wondered. What if he came back? What if he had a good reason? Which is absolutely ridiculous cause eventually you realize there's actually no reason that would make up for everything. And Zi Qiu's father did come back and every time he opened his mouth, I wanted to scream at him.

The thing is. It's one thing to be over it, in this 'I don't really think about it a lot' kind of way. It's a whole other thing to willingly sign up for a reminder. Yeah I'm "over it" and I healed some but the scars are still there and I just don't need to be forced to look at them. I have enough triggers as it is and this is a long investment that I don't think I'm able to do right now.

I have absolutely no doubt this show holds up throughout, because this was a recommendation from @lurkingshan so I have no doubt about the quality. And maybe one day, when I feel more up to it I might try again but not right now. Maybe never. I'm not kind to myself enough as it is and it takes a lot for me to stop watching a show once I start. But this time I think I really can't do it. Maybe I will never watch it. And that's okay.

[lunarriviera]

2023 ao3 wrapped

last year @programmedradly and i asked each other some questions, rather than try to field the entire thing. so we did the same thing this year! and here are my answers. i had a wild little annus mirabilis and somehow posted more work than i ever have before, so there was lots to choose from.

•

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

tragically, one of my dead doves: the wu xie/li cu fic “you bear your scars, you've done your time.” no one reads it because it's an age-gap pairing, and it's inherently tragic (post-sha hai fucked-up wu xie). it has 17 whole kudos and it fought for every one. but like a lot of my badwrong pairings, it's honestly some of my best writing. i wrote it fast and the action scenes are solid, the dialogue is good and even funny, and the sex scenes are miserable and scorching. oh well, they can put it in my norton critical edition after i'm dead lol.

5. What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

readers seemed to like the pingxie kissing fic, which was funny to me because it's literally just…kissing. (i wanted to put in plot and/or sex but mumble was very stern with me: “this is a KISSING fic.”) i guess we all are still battered by canon and just want wu xie dozing by the carp pool and getting kissed.

6. Favorite title you used?

“the subtle fire," with its title from the calamus poems by walt whitman; all its subheadings are from whitman too. sadly otherwise this was the year of taylor, and i exhausted midnights and all the vault tracks. new year's resolution: moratorium on fic titles from tay.

8. Pairing you wrote the most for this year?

somehow there were 18 dmbj fics. 😳 pingxie won out with 9 fics, followed by 6 heihua fics and then a smattering of rare pairs (not to say dead doves lol). there were 5 under the skin fics; at this point i post one of those like every two damm weeks because i'm down that bad.

10. What work was the quickest to write?

probably either of my drabbles—a little rpf prose poem for zhu yilong/unnamed photographer (still my most beloved pairing) or shen wei smoking a cigarette and zhao yunlan being horrified (and a little turned on).

11. What work took you the longest to write?

without a doubt, the 31k guardian fic i just posted. i got freaked out by its complexity and dropped it for a year, and then had to TOIL over all the canon details, because i didn't remember ANYTHING apparently (zhang shi who? fu you? li qian? what?). it took for fucking EVER to finish and i will NEVER write such a plotty monster again. the worst part was when ma gui randomly said, “oh there's a fifth hallow” at which point i was like “there's a WHAT NOW.” ironically that turned out to be the title. i hate characters that TALK and SAY SHIT.

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

the pingxie epic 😭 i'm not sure if i even can ever finish it because it involves google searches like “recent tomb discoveries china” and “can you survive c4 explosion.” also it'll be another dead dove because it starts with wu xie divorcing bai haotian, and the iron triangle being broken up. and that's just the beginning. everyone will hate it, and instead read cute fics about liu sang being a fox, probably.

17. Your favorite character to write this year?

it's gotta be du cheng from under the skin. he embodies what is turning into my favorite character archetype, Big Dumb Hot Cop. so butch. so loyal. so stupid. just a blast to narrate. wu xie and hei xiazi have similar idiot energy but are also paradoxically very intelligent so that's more challenging. (writing xiaoge's dialogue is difficult as fuck. he can't just say "wu xie" ALL the time.)

28. Favorite work you wrote this year?

possibly, after everything, the end (for me) of the zhu yilong/unnamed photographer series. other people may keep adding to it but i needed to let them go. they exist in such a liminal unsettled never-together bittersweet place for me and i felt grateful to have spent time with them, as weird as that is to say. i'll always love unnamed photographer, and his aesthetic yearning. MY ONE RPF SHIP THAT WENT CANON. 😭

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

indulging myself and submitting a few:

Even Huos had to sleep sometime, or hang upside down, or whatever it was they did to restore themselves. [x]

•

Once he has him flat on his back again, with breathtaking pragmatism Shen Yi drips lube all over him, sinks down on him and then rides him so hard Du Cheng sees not just stars but entire constellations. [x]

•

Xiaoge kissed his hair. "Hold still," he said, and Wu Xie could do that, no problem. He fell asleep that way, curled against Xiaoge’s naked skin, and dreamed he was watching Xiaoge plant moss in the moss garden, in impossible colors: turquoise, bright orange. A richly saturated luminous violet. [x]

•

Xiazi added so much condensed milk to Xie Yuchen’s coffee that he finally had to arrest his hand forcibly. “Stop trying to give me diabetes.” Xiazi’s smile was worse than the cloying milk. “It’s to match the sweetness in your soul, my little flower." “Oh my god,” said Xie Yuchen faintly, as Geya listened, to all appearances visibly entertained. “What do you want? Because I assume you want something. Money? Work? Is this a hostage situation?” Xiazi just smiled harder, but at least he put the milk down, in favor of giving Xie Yuchen another pain au chocolat. “Why does he get all the pastry?” Geya said, sounding disappointed. “It’s to build his strength,” Hei Xiazi told him, and the patently, horribly uxorious look on Xiazi’s face made Xie Yuchen want to hit someone.) [x]

•

Xiao Hua manages to bite back a tart comment about how challenging it is to keep looking younger than forty when one’s companion will never look any older. It takes more than expensive rose hip and argan oil and ceramides; it takes never skipping the gym, and always skipping dessert. It means going to bed at nine-thirty when he’d rather stay up reading, and above all it means not letting Hei Xiazi know about any of these little maneuvers, lest it not seem effortless. [x]

•

As Wu Xie started enthusiastically laying out the details—and why was he awake at this miserable hour?—Hei Xiazi pulled the pillow away from his face and started gently hitting Xie Yuchen with it. “Wu Xie, let me call you back later,” he said, arresting the pillow’s movement with one hand. “I have something I have to deal with here.” “Sure,” said Wu Xie, cheerful. Then: “I bought Pangzi an espresso machine, and he taught me how to use it! Xiaoge’s not here, I wish he’d come home. I had five cups! You should take Hei Xiazi with you, just in case things get complicated. They might. Get complicated, I mean. I'll tell you all about it. When will you call me?” Xie Yuchen fought not to laugh. “After sunrise, probably. Drink some water. And tell Pangzi I’m going to kill him.” [x]

•

Su Wan seems lost in thought for a minute. “I always thought maybe one day I would like guys, but I don’t.” Li Cu elbows him. “What about Hei-ye?” Su Wan looks horrified. “Yali, no! What a thought!” “Okay, okay,” says Li Cu, and drunkenly tousles his hair. “Calm down.” Yang Hao puts out his hand for the bottle. “Hei-ye is pretty cool, though,” he says, which is high praise from him. It’s true. They sit without saying anything for a moment, in silent contemplation of Hei Xiazi’s inarguable coolness. [x]

•

The things about you that other people find unsettling, those have somehow never bothered Wu Xie. You’re spooky, Hei Xiazi told you frankly, once. I am too, but I drown it out by talking. You’re so silent, our little Yaba Zhang. People are afraid of you. Xiazi had been right, and you knew it. But Wu Xie has never been afraid of you, not even once. You think about the first time you came back from behind the gate, how furious and desperate he’d been to know why you hadn’t come straight back to him. Demanding answers, wanting to know why you went, what you saw. And you remember gazing back at him, still mute with the magnitude of it. He could never have understood, but no one could, not even Wu Xie whose intelligence shone as clearly as an aura around him, glowing, burnished—still innocent, still young enough to be passionate. Whereas even at the time you felt every single one of your hundred years lying on you like a burden, like fallen trees pressing you into the loam, the moss, the muck. [x]

•

He’s still half-asleep, is the only thing that could possibly explain why Zhao Yunlan ducks under some low-slung branches and strolls right up to the water’s edge only to see Shen Wei, stripped naked, hip-deep in a pool of still clear water, combing through his unbraided hair with his fingers. Why is this a surprise. What was he thinking. And above all, why is he still walking towards him on automatic, as if drawn toward him, as if not caring whether Shen Wei would see him or stop— Shen Wei startles and looks up, motion arrested. He’s bent at the waist, rinsing bits of dirt and bracken from his hair, skin glowing like wet marble, and Zhao Yunlan suddenly wants him so badly he couldn’t make a fist if he had to. Shen Wei smiles, and Zhao Yunlan will never get enough of that smile, artless and full-hearted. All he can do is smile back, helplessly. [x]

[abigailspinach]

Get to know you asks!

What’s an event you would add to the Olympics?

What’s the meaning of the spinach in your url?

Favorite quote?

Show/movie/book/etc you would recommend to an enemy

1_ Dodgeball!

If nothing else, we should have a global dodgeball game at the end of the Olypmics. No ranking- just make the teams the day off by pulling names from a hat. Jumble everyone together! All nationalities playing together! Just absolute playground madness with tiny gymnasts and strong rugby players jostling up against the fencers and track stars.

My username is a nod to two things I like. Abigail Pent from The

2_ Locked Tomb Series. And Alice Roosevelt (US President Theodore Roosevelt's wild First Daughter) had a pet snake named Emily Spinach.

3- I'm so tempted to say "I can either run the country or I can attend to Alice, but I cannot possibly do both." LOL

For a real answer... this one is pretty great quote.

Do justly now, love mercy now, walk humbly now. You are not obligated to complete the work, But neither are you free to abandon it.

Some more quotes striking my fancy today

if you are going through hell, keep going.

“You know what's the most terrifying thing about admitting that you're in love? You are just naked. You put yourself in harm's way and you lay down all your defenses. No clothes, no weapons. Nowhere to hide. Completely vulnerable. The only thing that makes it tolerable is to believe that the other person loves you back...” ― Mary Doria Russell, The Sparrow

Some prices are just too high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart - Lois McMaster Bujold

“We should have taken our chances back then, when we were young and beautiful and didn't even know it.” - Lois McMaster Bujold

“Growing up, I have discovered over time, is rather like housework: never finished.” ― Lois McMaster Bujold

“Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.” ― Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven

“She had challenged him on this point one night at Anne and George's, inhibitions weakened by Ronrico: "Explain this Mass to me!"

There was a silence as he sat still, apparently looking at the dinner plates and chicken bones. "Consider the Star of David," he said quietly. "Two triangles, one pointing down, one pointing up. I find this a powerful image—the Divine reaching down, humanity reaching upward. And in the center, an intersection, where the Divine and human meet. The Mass takes place in that space." His eyes lifted and met hers: a look of lucid candor. "I understand it as a place where the Divine and the human are one. And as a promise, perhaps. That God will reach toward us if we reach toward Him, that we and our most ordinary human acts—like eating bread and drinking wine—can be transformed and made sacred.” ― Mary Doria Russell, The Sparrow

“The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist; a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain.” ― Ursula K. LeGuin, The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas

“Look,” said Harrowhark.

No murder, sorrow, or fear could ever touch Harrow Nonagesimus. Her tired eyes were alight. A lot of her paint had peeled away or been sweated off down in the facility, and the whole left side of her jaw was just grey-tinted skin. A hint of her humanity peeked through. She had such a peculiarly pointed little face, high browed and tippy everywhere, and a slanted and vicious mouth. She said irascibly, “At the key, moron, not at me.”

The moron looked at the key, but did give her the middle finger."

There is a difference between keeping a ripped corner of dance card and saving the last dance.

4. Hmmm a book for an enemy? I'm gonna say Gideon the Ninth. it's an amazing book but if they are my enemy, they might hate it.

[queen-of-deans-booty]

Dog Dean Afternoon: Part Four

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2.2k

Warnings: canon angst and violence

Summary: Something was taken from you, something so precious a mother should never have to lose. Then, you found something you’ve been searching for ever since your little angel was taken from you. Is this a new beginning or a fire waiting to burn?

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Supernatural. All credit goes to their respective owners. Any and all comments on these are appreciated.

x

"I'm going to call Kevin."

Sam takes out his phone and dials your young friend, and Dean sniffs the room as if something delicious is there. He looks around the room and settles on you, but you don't know why. Sam keeps the conversation short and hangs up when he's done.

"So, apparently, the Inuit spell has some side effects."

"Oh, well, that would have been nice to know before I downed it! What kind of side effects?" Dean sighs.

"When you mind meld with an animal, it's possible to start exhibiting some of its behavior."

"Well, how long am I gonna have the urge to...?"

"Sniff butts?" Colonel laughs.

"Oh, whoa. Hey. I don't have the urge to sniff butts," Dean defends himself.

"Yet."

"Do you really h-have the urge to--"

"No! Come on!" Dean cuts his brother off.

Joanna giggles, and Dean points a finger at her. She buries her head in your chest and continues to giggle. You can't help but laugh, but you don't shy away from Dean's glare.

"Come on, this is funny," you laugh.

"Well, Kevin doesn't know how long it'll last. It's not like it's an exact science, you know? Hopefully, when the spell wears off, so will the side effects."

"Okay, well, we need to bring Colonel back to the animal shelter. Maybe we can figure out something else," you say and get up after setting Joanna on her feet. "Sam, do you mind taking the kids to the car?"

"Yeah. Are you okay with this, Noah?"

"Yeah," he nods shyly.

"We'll be right there." Sam takes the kids and Zeus to the car as you gather your things. "We can have Colonel ride in the back with Zeus. That car is very spacious inside."

"What is that smell?"

"What smell?"

Dean sniffs the air and walks closer to you. He presses his body into yours and shoves his face into your neck. You giggle when his stubble tickles your neck, but that giggle stifles into a moan when he nips at your skin.

"You smell like my favorite meal," he growls.

"Dean, stop it," you blush hard. As much as it pains you, you push him away. He tries to go back for more, but you're adamant this time. "You need to take it down a notch. Next thing I know, you'll want to do it doggy style."

You take the leash from Dean and walk Colonel outside.

"Can we?"

Dean is desperate, but it's amusing to see him this way. He locks the motel door and jogs to catch up to you before taking the leash from you.

"Where are we headed?" Colonel asks.

"Back to the shelter."

"To sniff out more clues, maybe dig up something we missed?" he chuckles.

"Alright, one more doggy pun out of you, and I'm gonna have your nuts clipped."

You can't believe Dean is having a conversation with a dog like he's a person. You're never going to let him live this down.

"I hate to break it to you, Hoss. My sack's emptier than Santa's after Christmas."

Something white rains down on the car, and you look up to see a pigeon perched on the street lamp right above the white spot.

"Aw, are you kidding me?" This may not be the Impala, but he doesn't like it when a bird shits on his ride. "Hey, dick move, pigeon!"

"Screw you, asshat," the pigeon responds.

Dean reaches out to Sam who just finished putting the kids in the car.

"What?"

"Wait a minute. Can I hear all animals?" Dean asks Colonel.

"Yep. Animals have a universal language."

"I'm just getting started, too. I'm brewing a really big one. Ha. Bet your ride's gonna look sweet in white."

"What's he saying?" you ask.

"You--he's being a douchebag!"

"Who you calling 'douchebag', douchebag?"

"Oh, shut it, you winged rat!" Dean yells, earning looks from people passing by.

"Dean, calm down," you hiss. "Get in the car."

"Haha. That's right, Sally. Go cry to Mama," the pigeon taunts.

Dean whips out his gun and points it at the bird.

"Oh, that's it, you son of a bitch!"

"Dean!" Sam gasps and shoves his arm down. "Get in the car!"

He waves at the onlookers with an embarrassed face. You're not sure what the bird said to him, but you know Dean didn't like it. You let Colonel hop in the back as you got in next to Joanna. Once everyone is inside, Sam heads back to the animal shelter.

All throughout the ride, Dean, Zeus, and Colonel were sticking their heads out the window with their tongues out. You're so not letting him live this down. This has blackmail written all over it. Sam parks in the back, and you get out before letting the dogs out. You and Sam help the kids out of the car, and Noah clings to your side.

You're walking toward the back entrance when someone walks out with a white female poodle. Both he and Colonel stare at the animal as if they are attracted to it. You roll your eyes and smack Dean's head as you pass him by.

"Yeah," Dean nods once.

You three head inside the shelter with both dogs on leashes. If Dean can talk to other animals, then he might be able to get information from the other animals inside the shelter. Dean talks to a Collie first since she seemed eager to talk.

"So, what else can you tell me about the man with the cowboy hat?"

"Honestly, I couldn't see much. Damn cataracts. You know no one's going to pay for my surgery. Just another casualty of the system, I guess. I don't belong here, you know. I'm pedigreed."

"Well, I'm sure you'll be out of here soon."

"Please. I'm fourteen."

"Good luck... ma'am."

Dean moves to another animal since she isn't much help. The dog in the next kennel speaks to him, but it's nothing useful to Dean.

"Once a day they clean these cages. Once a day!"

"A biscuit. Just one biscuit," another dog begs.

"I need a Raquel Welch poster and a rock hammer."

"I'm shaking the fence, boss. Still shaking the fence."

"Any luck?" Sam asks when Dean reaches the end of the kennels.

"Hardly, and I'm not getting any clues--just a bunch of complaints."

"Hey, pretty boy. Over here," the Yorkie in the last kennel says.

"Yeah, uh, sorry, pal. I'm done for the day."

"But I saw everything! I'll tell you, but it'll cost you."

"What? Are you kidding me? I'm being extorted by a dog," Dean says to you before turning back to the dog. "Well, what do you want, huh? Beggin' strips? Snausages?"

"Bitch, please. If I'm gonna rat someone out, it's got to be worth my while. I want... a belly rub."

"Okay, I guess."

"Not from you, sweetie. From that big one over there."

"She wants a belly rub from you," Dean says to Sam.

"Excuse me?"

"She won't talk unless you're giving her a belly rub. Just do it."

Sam sets Joanna on her feet before reaching inside and picking up the small dog. He lays her on her back and begins to rub her belly.

"Ohh, a cowboy hat and leather pants. The dude's a total closet case."

"Okay, what else can you tell me about the guy other than his outfit?"

"Um, he was carrying a burlap sack for the cats."

"What does he want with the cats?"

"Ooh, attaboy, yes," she moans at the feeling Sam is giving her. "Hell if I know, but he took all of them, except for the one he ate."

"Ew," Dean shudders.

"What is it?" you ask.

"Apparently, our guy has a sweet tooth for kitty cats."

This guy is eating animals? Who the hell is he?

"Oh, and the sack had something written on it," the Yorkie continues.

Sam pauses to regain feeling in his hand, and as soon as he stops, the Yorkie begins to whine. She refuses to talk unless Sam is rubbing her belly. Sam shakes his hand before continuing the action.

"It said 'Avant-Garde Cuisine'. Lucky for you, I read French."

"That's a café on Main Street. No dogs allowed," Colonel says.

"Well, no wonder he smelled like hamburgers and dish soap. We got to go downtown," Dean says to you and Sam. "Apparently, our guy works at a restaurant."

Sam puts the Yorkie back into the kennel, and she whines at the loss of the feeling. She begs for Sam to come back, but Dean stopped listening to her as soon as Sam put her down. You have to wait until the restaurant is closed before you can sneak in, and it closes past midnight. Your girls are sleeping in their car seats, and you really don't want to wake them up. Sam is about to pass out from how tired he is, but he tries to stay awake for the hunt.

"Sam, why don't you stay in the car with the girls?" you ask when his head drops.

"Yeah, okay," he nods.

"Noah, why don't you stay here? We'll be right back."

"No, I want to go with you," he panics and grabs your hand.

You've taken Joanna on plenty of hunts, and you've always protected her. She was much younger than Noah is now, and you see no problem letting him come. It's good practice to see what kind of shit you deal with in case he decides to stay with you.

"Okay, fine, but you need to listen to me if Dean and I tell you to do something."

You take Noah out of the car and get on his level to go over some ground rules. Dean gets out of the car and lets Sam est for a bit. He walks past the window where Zeus is.

"Hey, wait a second," Zeus says.

"I was wondering when you were going to talk to me," Dean chuckles.

"Listen, boss, you should say yes." Before Dean has a chance to question what he's talking about, Zeus continues. "To Noah staying, I mean. She's sad all the time. She puts on a brave face for you and the kids, but deep down, she wants to never stop crying. Seeing her with Noah for the first time, I saw some of that sadness drift away."

Dean looks over at you in thought. You're smiling at Noah, and he can see how happy you are even from where he is.

"Listen, I've been there since you before two returned from Purgatory. I've watched over Maryann and Robert for three months, Joanna for longer. I will always protect them no matter what, but the minute she lost her son, I saw a shift in her. Since she encountered Noah, I'm starting to see the old her back. Think about it, boss."

"Yeah," Dean whispers.

"Okay, time to go in," you say and stand up to your full height.

You take Noah's hand and walk to the locked back door. You use your magic to open it, and you two walk inside carefully. You keep Noah close to you in case this guy shows up and attacks. The restaurant is dark, but you use your magic to light the way. You could turn the actual lights on, but you don't want to alert anyone that you're inside.

"Check this out," Dean whispers. On the wall, there is a photo of the man in a cowboy hat sharpening a knife. "Chef Leo. Do you think he's our guy?"

"Might be. Just be careful."

You walk into the office near the picture on the wall and look through the chef's belongings. You walk past some mice inside a cage and over to the fridge in the back. You open a drawer to find a bunch of pill bottles.

"Whoa, Dean. This drawer is filled with Oxycodone, Tramadol, and Methadone. Not something to take casually."

Dean walks past the desk with the mice and hears something squeaking.

"Help us! Please mister!"

"Over here!"

"Did you hear that? Sounded like little kids."

"No," you shake your head.

"Help. If you don't free us, the chef will eat us."

"She's not lying." Dean looks around to see if he can spot who is talking. "We're in the cage!"

Dean looks over at the mice and bends down to get on their level.

"Eat you?"

"Look in the refrigerator behind you."

Dean turns to see the refrigerator while you're yanking open desk drawers. You find a book of spells and take it out to look through it.

"Hey. Owl brains. Cheetah liver. Grizzly heart," Dean says.

Inside the refrigerator are a bunch of animal organs.

"I found a spell book. Shamanism. It says here whatever animal organ you ingest with the right mix of hoodoo and spices, you temporarily gain the power of that animal. So, if you're munching on owl brains, it bolsters your IQ. if you eat a cheetah liver, you gain super speed. A bear heart means strength. If he's eating this stuff, that would make sense why he constricted the taxidermist and clawed--" You stop short and look at Noah who stares at you with sad eyes. "You know."

"Well, no offense, but why would he want to eat you guys?" Dean asks the mice.

"Uh, we have collapsible spines."

"Look at this, Dean." You take the book over to him. "Lion liver plus eagle heart. Rattlesnake fangs plus anaconda bladder. Baboon brains plus black widow abdomen. He's mixing ingredients."

"What the hell for?"

You're about to answer when you hear a noise come from the main dining hall. You immediately take Noah and place him behind you to protect him, and he grips your waist in fear. Dean takes out his gun while you have your magic. You two step out into the hall and make your way to the kitchen where the noise turns into scraping noises.

x

Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary​ where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

[ownedbyaborzoi]

Get to Know a Simmer

@memoirsofasim​ tagged me in this and it looked cool so why not!

show your wallpaper:

Pierce (aka SBOS CH Avalon Perlova MHD She Loves Me JC TKI VHMA) up in the mountains in Cloudcroft NM when we went hiking up there in May

Last song you listened to: I don’t even know, I don’t listen to music as much now that I’m working from home and not driving to work anymore.

Currently reading: Play Training Your Dog. LOVE the book, highly recommend it (especially for those who are working with sighthounds), though my puppy grabbed it off my shelf and shredded the back half. It looks like he just got the appendix though so hopefully I can finish it.

Last movie: I don’t even know lol

Last show: I’m currently re-watching Castle. Love the first three seasons, it starts going downhill IMO after that. But I’ve seen it a ton so I can watch it as I sim and not worry about missing anything.

Craving: Sleep. It’s so miserably hot and I have two young sighthounds who need as much free running as possible, so I’ve been staying up until midnight so they can be outside from 8:30 or so to about 11 and then getting up at 3 AM to kick them back out until 7 when I get up and get ready for work. I’m so tired but it’ll be worth it to have my gorgeous show potential puppies reach their full potential. SO TIRED OF IT BEING SO HOT THOUGH. 100-110 degrees F and really shitty AC so it’s around 90F inside. I hate the summer

What are you wearing right now: Pajama pants and a T shirt (From Mad Dog Metal Works that says “It’s a beautiful day for plastic bag murder sports” and I’m obsessed. Def wearing this shirt when I take Pierce lure coursing in a few weeks)

How tall are you: Like around 5′6 I think

Piercings: None, I’ve had my ears pierced twice and both times I had to let them close up. I’m apparently not meant to have pierced ears.

Tattoos: None yet, though I want a galloping borzoi eventually, and maybe Pierce’s pawprint.

Glasses/contacts: I am blind and can’t see without my contacts. I need to get glasses though, ever since I got COVID last year I get headaches from staring at a computer screen for too long. I need to get blue light glasses but I’m also curious to see if switching from contacts to regular glasses makes a difference.

Last thing you ate: Popeyes classic chicken sandwich with cajun fries.

Favourite colour: Blue, green, and purple. I like cool colours.

Current obsession: Borzoi, for now and always. They are my life.

Any pets: I have four dogs (all borzoi), two lionhead rabbits, and an evil leopard gecko

Favourite fictional character: Hmmm, I don’t know. Probably Kate Beckett from Castle because I think she’s absolutely perfect and will name a dog Beckett someday. Also obsessed with MASH, particularly Hawkeye Pierce (hence my dog’s call name)

Last place you traveled: Albuquerque, NM for a dog show. About to travel to Flagstaff AZ in two weeks for another dog show (and then Show Low AZ the weekend after that for an AKC lure coursing trial, and then October and November will also feature dog shows almost every weekend hopefully)

I dunno who to tag so I tag anyone who’s bored and wants to do this. Feel free to tag me in this if you do it so I can read your answers, I don’t always have time to browse Tumblr

[thessalian]

Thess vs Good News

Iiiiiiii’m going to MCM Comic Con! And if the stars align and everybody’s on the ball, Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii’m finally getting autographs from the cast of Critical Role! As soon as I heard they were coming back, I was emailing my mother being like, “Hey, remember about three years ago when I asked for an early Christmas / birthday present in the form of tickets to the event and autographs? And then Covid happened and the whole thing had to be scrapped and I was very sad? Well, they’re finally coming back so could we do that deal again, please?” And she said yes and I just now got the ticket confirmation and I think I’m pretty clear on how to get an accessibility badge and while I’m not relaxing until I have autograph bookings for the cast, I am still at least going!

But no, I’m not going to see them run live at Wembley. I did try, but they got sold out way too fucking fast. Which is disappointing not just because I wanted to see that once-in-a-lifetime thing, but also because my bestie threw money at me for the tickets pretty much ten seconds after I squeed about it, because he so wanted me to be able to go because I wanted it so much. But I think in the end it’s just as well. The accessibility options for Wembley are a little ... complicated if you’re not straight-up in a wheelchair, apparently.

(Bestie would not let me give the money back. I asked repeatedly. He said no. So I thought long and hard about something he would really want me to have and did that instead. I’ll show you later.)

Anyway, insofar as the convention goes, there is one tiny bummer. See, when I asked for this as my combination Christmas / birthday gift three years ago, I asked my mother to maybe come with me on the Friday. I really want her to see a convention, at least a little bit, on the least busy day so she doesn’t get overwhelmed. So obviously when the opportunity came around again, I asked her to come with me on the Friday. Unfortunately she’s going to be in Montreal so she won’t be able to make it. So I’ve said maybe we can make a day trip of it in May 2024 and I’ll buy her ticket that time. Because gods know this is almost certainly going to be the last convention I attend in full. It’s going to be rough enough as it is.

There is one plus point to Mum not being able to make it, though, and it comes back to yet another previous convention - one that actually happened. When the CR crew came to London five years ago, they had to arrange a separate smaller panel on Sunday because it was standing room only and still hundreds of people couldn’t get in. Seriously, because the UK is easier to reach for people in Europe and other parts of the world than the US is, we got people from all over Europe and beyond. Furthest away I heard about was the Philippines. (Though in fairness it’s going to be slightly more complicated for Europeans this time around because Brexit is in full swing and Freedom of Movement is a thing of the past. Still easier than flying to San Diego, and probably cheaper too.)

Anyway, Sunday panel, I was in the queue, and I’d made it a point to say something nice to people I came across because I wanted them to have as many good memories of the day as possible. So I told the young woman in the queue just ahead of me that I liked her T-shirt. She reciprocated the compliment, we got to talking, and she was saying how she’d really love to find a campaign and that mine sounded fun but wasn’t it a shame she lives in France but I live here in London? At which I had to explain that my party spanned three countries and four time zones at that point. So, two weeks later, we had a new Monster Hunter Ranger in the party, and she’s been a source of delight ever since.

She’s trying to arrange to come back to get pictures with the cast members she missed (Travis and Laura were on paternity leave at the time, and Ashley had Blind Spot to finish), and if she can come, I have offered my sofa for a few days and the possibility of getting a carer badge so that she can help me if I’m in too much pain or hit with a dizzy spell or something. We’ve discussed it and I just told her that if she really feels like she needs to contribute, she can toss me £20 for groceries while she’s here (because you know I am going to take every opportunity to cook for people I care about). I haven’t seen her in person in years and I hope she can come. (I mean, I’d love it if all of my players could come but it’s an expensive trip and I only have so much sofa.)

So yeah, if all plays out according to plan, I’m finally getting those autographs. I do need to decide once and for all whether I want them to sign my copy of Tal’Dorei Reborn or the original Green Ronin Tal’Dorei Campaign Setting. I’m leaning towards the latter just because ... I mean, it’s where they started, and look at them now! Plus I want them to sign something sturdy because while I have kept them in good condition, I do occasionally fear for my small collection of autographs from the likes of Courtenay Taylor, Mark Meer, Ali Hillis, Alix Wilton Regan, Raphael Sbarge (his in particular, honestly), and Troy Baker calling me ‘Rebel Scum’ because I mained a Jedi Consular in SW:TOR.

(Okay, I originally mained a Smuggler in SW:TOR but then my RP guild wanted a healer for Ops so ... yeah. Republic anyway.)

So ... fun D&D session yesterday, and now good news today, and the added gloriousness of, “A bunch of nerdy-ass voice actors are going to sell out Wembley fucking Arena".

Sometimes life is good.

[rosetta-j-stone]

A thought on returning winners

So I had entirely forgotten that Norway had also sent a winner back to Eurovision, namely possible vampire (the man DOES NOT AGE!) Alexander Rybak

This was his entry in 2018

And this was his winning entry in 2009

So what sets this apart from Sweden’s re-entering Loreen (because here too Norway entered two EN songs and the two entries were about a decade apart)?

1. Rybak’s two songs feel very different from each other, including in terms of subject-matter and staging (here are Loreen’s performances from 2023 and 2012, for context - I don’t think Tattoo deserves the “Euphoria 2.0″ tag it’s been getting but they are much more similar overall):

2. There wasn’t the feeling with Rybak’s entry that another Norwegian victory was a foregone conclusion - it felt more like he was just coming back with a fun number and nothing to prove, possibly because Norway have only won Eurovision 3 times! When Rybak was entered again in 2018, Norway had finished last in the Eurovision final more than any other country and (along with Austria) received the most "nul points". Compare that with Sweden, who had won 6 times by the time Loreen was entered again, have only ever come last on two occasions (1963 and 1977) and rarely finish outside the top 7.

3. I don’t know if this was just poor editing (or malicious editing???) on the part of the programmers (apparently she and Kaarija are in fact friends, which you would never have guessed from watching any of the shows!!) but at no point did Loreen come across as even vaguely approachable. While everyone else was making friends and having fun, it felt like she was sweeping in to win the whole thing and nothing else mattered. I know it’s a competition, but it...is also supposed to be fun? Rybak looked like he was genuinely enjoying himself and happy to be back. He could have been all “I won it before and I’m here to win it again” but he wasn’t and I think people like and respect him more for it...

In conclusion, now that we’ve had three countries (Ireland being the third - I haven’t included Johnny Logan in this commentary as he was before my time - others may be able to provide more insight?) play this card, I genuinely think we should retire it - returning artists, yes; returning winners, no.   

[daisannokagi]

Harukanaru Toki no Naka de 4: Mizuho no Kuni - Character Tracks (Pt.1)

Japanese Title: 遙かなる時空の中で4~瑞穂の国~

Disclaimer: I only own the translation. Everything else is Koei’s/Ruby Party’s. I tried to keep the meaning as intact as possible, but I also took some creative liberty here and there. Also, do note that English and Japanese aren’t my native language. Translator’s note will be put at the end of the post.

Aaand with that out of the way, finally! First post! The album consisted of 10 character tracks, two songs, two 20 minutes drama tracks, and one 10 minutes drama track. This post will cover five of the character tracks (doing 10 at once apparently is too much for me ww). The event ranges from stuffs that happen in the common route to right before the character’s ending, so beware spoilers. Personally, I’d recommend reading/listening to this after you finish the game. You might just, I don’t know, notice some little crumbs here and there *wink*

Translation will be below the cut. Hope you enjoy it!

Everlasting Chaos ~Raja~

This is... I see, this is a continuation of a long, long dream. A world with never ending despair. The last time I was awake was when I met that kind-looking girl at the Midori-no-Yuniwa[1]. Her look of melancholy... is the only thing I cannot forget. But even then I have to wonder, was I truly awake at that time? There are probably... no more chances of me regaining my own self... It is my fate to be swallowed up in this. No matter what words and sentences I come up with, they will return to the void. Ruin will come to all, and no one can change that. That's right... No one... No one but the King with the Raven Hand[2] can turn around destiny already written by the gods. But... the King with the Raven Hand has yet to appear before me. Oh, mighty King... We have no time left, and yet, where are you in this vast world? Quickly... Release our world... from this... loop... of chaos... ~~~ Lion King, no matter what you wished for, nothing will happen. Nothing will change. No one can stop the flames of ruin, or the fading into silence. Not even the King with the Raven Hand.

Promise ~Nagi~

Oh, come on. Just when I thought you defeated Magatsuhi-no-Kami[3], you suddenly vanished into thin air. Do you know how hard I looked for you? You keep looking out for everyone, but you never paid much attention to yourself. ...What? Why are you laughing? You think I'm worrying too much? Well, sorry for worrying too much. I love you, and you're important to me. That's why. Even when we're together like this, I still get scared, you know. That when I turn around, when I let go of my hand, I wouldn't be able to see you anymore. What would happen when I lose this warmth in my hand? We'll be together from now on so it'll be okay? ...You’re right. Well, promise me this, then. No matter what happens, we won't ever let go of each other's hands. You'll be in charge of cooking every day if you break our promise, got it? We'll do it together. We'll be together, always.

Woven Thread of History ~Hiiragi~

All of the Dragon Jewels are in My Lady's hands. The preparation to fulfill my wish is complete. Until then, let us be at ease and dally in this dream. Now, once the sun rises, history will be written. I've spent my whole life waiting for this exact moment. The blissful time I spent with the princess will end, and then... *chuckles* My Lady truly is a charming one. To think I would hear her say, "I don't think you're telling me the whole truth." If everything was a lie, then I would lose nothing but my life. You are the one who doesn't know anything, My Lady. Pure, yet sinful as you are. Be that as it may, tonight is the only time I can wait upon Her Ladyship in her dreams. Just this once, will you be so kind as to appear before me tonight, my beloved Second Princess?

Unchanging Things ~Futsuhiko~

Your Majesty, I know you are busy with governmental affairs after the battle with Magatsuhi-no Kami, but how about taking a little break outside? I will accompany you... Hmm...? "It's just the two of us so stop calling me Your Majesty?" That's impossible! This is the Kashihara Palace, and you are the queen of Nakatsu. We must not be forgetting courteousness. Huh...? "Did you take care of me because I'm the queen?"...? O-of course not! I love you! Whether you're a queen or not, you are the only one I will offer my heart toー P-please forgive me! I... it's just... Eh? You're happy, so I don't... need to apologize... You're always so kind. You always accept me for who I am. And that is why I will always be drawn to you. Let us go outside. To the land filled with flowers and warm rays of light. To Toyoashihara, the land that you protected.

Human’s Feelings ・ Warm Lights ~Tooya~

It's almost time. The dark vortex, the wind of ruins. I can hear them, the howling and cries of Mother Earth. The dark dragon will consume all, and none will be left on its trails. But be not afraid, Priestess, for it will be fine. The warm lights will gather and protect you. And I am here with you. Tsuchigumo may have disappeared, and I may have lost my powers, but you cleared the fog that clouded my judgment. I will no longer waver. I loathe the idea of losing you, of being apart from you. That is why I will protect you. Even if the whole world is my enemy, I will stay by your side. We will always be together, my beloved. For I am yours[4].

Translator’s Note:

I can’t for the life of me find the English-equivalent for the word 斎庭 (yuniwa), and I legit was about to give up until a friend of mine pointed out: why not transliterate it since it’s a pretty specific word? Considering it’s probably also a name of a place somewhere in Tokoyo, I ended up just transliterating it.

What Raja’s referring to is the 黒き手の王, which can be directly translated to Black Hand King or King with the Black Hand. It just sounded, idk, flat to me, hence why I chose Raven. Gotta make it more spicy, y’know.

Similar reasoning to 1. Magatsuhi-no-Kami is part of Japanese mythology, so I just stick with it.

Tooya was the last one I did for this batch, and not gonna lie, after writing a direct “I love you” twice I just got tired of it. And saying “I love you” after “my beloved” felt kind of repetitive to me, hence the change. Anyway, original line is:  大好きだよ

Plus some omake because I found them funny:

みどりのゆにわ (i gave up)

creative liberty my beloved

whoever put up mother earth on weblio i owe u my f-ing life

how tf do u wagimo

[grgie]

I posted 1,266 times in 2022

That's 166 more posts than 2021!

59 posts created (5%)

1,207 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@dingdongyouarewrong

@deathbyfiction

@colemckenzies

@spyderverse

@leaf-is-tired

I tagged 356 of my posts in 2022

#helena talks to the void - 29 posts

#goncharov - 16 posts

#helena speaks to people - 15 posts

#unreality - 12 posts

#knife gang - 12 posts

#taz duck - 5 posts

#work things - 4 posts

#my posts - 4 posts

#hmm - 3 posts

#tagged - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#he is also slightly blue bc i once got bright blue bedsheets without washing them first and they stained everything (including my skin) blue

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

i never give customers my name at work whenever they ask for it, not because i dont want them to use it to report me to my managers (although thats a bonus) but because of the fae. "can i have your name?" no :) nice try tho you tricky bastards

13 notes - Posted September 16, 2022

#4

uglystudies → grgie

url change!! i now track #grgie (although i'll still keep an eye on the uglystudies tag too, i just wont be reblogging study content to this blog anymore)

19 notes - Posted August 6, 2022

#3

my friend knows nothing about the dsmp or dream and george and is trying to put the pieces together through twitter

23 notes - Posted October 4, 2022

#2

a lil timelapse of me finishing and submitting my dissertation (32 minutes before the deadline) but i realised that this is likely the last study post i'll ever make (not that i was ever regularly posting lol) so its a little bittersweet! ive had this studyblr since 2015 (seven years holy shit thats a long time) and i do think its been an incredibly important part of my life, for better or worse. i started this blog in an attempt to hold myself more accountable whilst studying for my gcses and i think for most part it was helpful (ignoring 2016/17 studyblr... muji and overexposing our pictures really had a grip on us huh) despite the weirdly large number of asks i got from people telling me that i shouldnt do 5 a-levels (i did 5 and i aced all of them. suck it. AND i did an epq as well! extra suck it!)

apparently theres 15k of you, which i simply do not think is true (i imagine the vast majority of my followers are made up of long abandoned studyblrs) but for those of you who continue to stick around and like my silly little posts, even if we don't interact, ur huge and i appreciate u. ive made some many wonderful (and hopefully lifelong) friends as a result of studyblr and genuinely wouldnt change it for the world :')

i've mentioned this in the tags of a post recently but im going to change my url soon to a non study related one because im not studying anymore lol, but dw im not deleting this blog or anything, this blog has always been very loosely defined as a studyblr so you can expect plenty more dracula daily memes in the near future

also yikes that is not the most flattering angle lmao

44 notes - Posted May 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

[getting validation from mutuals about my spotify wrapped songs]: ah yes, i am winning in being a good mutual with good music taste, something both normal and possible to achieve

172 notes - Posted November 30, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[sitpwgs]

Okay part 2. I hope it's okay that I'm sending in parts because sometimes I forget stuff or lose track of everything I want to say. But last Broadway thing is that you can explain or spoil the Notebook characters thing since it confused me. I actually was reading about the staging of the rain yesterday which seems complicated. I'm always interested in this stuff like set design and some of the business stuff you mentioned too. The only thing with seeing this show is I heard it will really make you cry and idk if ive ever actually cried when watching a show before which seems weird cuz I saw Les Mis but don't think I cried. Did you cry when you saw the show..I'm just curious.

I also wanted to tell you that I slowly started reading again. I'm on like chapter 10 of This Summer Will be Different and also Funny Story. They're pretty different so can't really compare but I'm loving both so far so hopefully I can stick with it. I do think these two seem the most tropey compared to the other books so far and I think it's fun but it might also start to lose me so idk. I heard about both Happy Place and Funny Story also being made into movies too. Also it was just announced that Every Summer After will be a tv show apparently. Idk why cuz that reminds me too much of the summer I turned pretty, that's also a show. Actually I think Happy Place is supposed to be a show too. I guess I don't like when everything is made into a show when it could just easily be a movie. I get that you can add more stuff..I think I'm just less likely to finish a show than movie but I hope it's good. What do you think? I think they're easy to imagine as movies but it's just hard to imagine the casting if that makes sense. I also might try to read the Outsiders and Gatsby at the same time too apparently but we will see lol. I'm glad you've been enjoying your reads and always check out your recommendations.

Happy August! Lol I can't believe it's August already. I hope you have a great month. I remember I meant to reply to you sooner to say something about the anniversary of your eras show but for some reason I forgot. Then mine just passed which is already a week after yours but I still thought about you. I can't believe that was my last concert and my next will be my other favorite artist at the end of this month. For collabs, I just think about the re recordings and I think someone once suggested Noah Kahan on debut and I wouldn't mind that. I've also thought of Kelly Clarkson for debut which is something I would really want for 10 year old me and Tim McGraw so it can be kinda full circle and maybe how she collabed with Keith Urban. I haven't thought of any collabs for rep actually and I would even like it if it didn't have any..like 1989. I would say Halsey and maybe Selena if she decides to release Need. Lorde is also a popular answer I wouldn't mind but idk if these are likely. There may have been Sabrina Carpenter collab rumors at some point and I enjoy their voices when they sang together but don't know what it would be like or for rep or debut. Or it could just be okay..like the Gracie one so who knows. I would also love Soccer Mommy on debut since she covered a debut song and she's from Nashville. She toured with the National so maybe Taylor knows who she is and that would make me very happy. What about you?

What do you think of the possibility of rep being announced or released pretty soon this year? There's a lot of theories about it being announced possibly today actually. Part of me thinks she wouldn't release it for a while but part of me also thinks she would wanna release it before tour is over. I don't know how I feel about debut but I doubt they would be released this soon cuz we got a new album this year. I have no idea anymore though honestly. She also could release while she is on a break from tour next month so it's hard to know. That's what she did with TTPD. What do you think?

Soccer Mommy also just announced her new album yesterday and I am very excited for it! It's called Evergreen and comes out in October. I actually think this album will be a little different for her..like more mellow which I was saying reminded me a bit of Folklore. Now with the name..it also reminds me of Evermore too and I love that connection so much. It could be her version of a fall album which also reminds me of Red and the name having green in the title and green is my favorite color. I know that's irrelevant to the meaning but it was funny cuz it reminded me of Red. I totally recommend her music. I will listen to Clairo today and give my opinion but I like what I've heard so far. What else have you been listening to? Sorry if I forgot anything but as always I hope you are doing well and have a lovely weekend!

it's totally fine to send things in parts! don't stress about it my friend 🤍

and yes! happy to explain notebook to you, although i will be able to do a better job after i see it again — do you mind if we wait a few weeks and then i get back to you on the notebook! i have cried at many a show! i am a crier! i cry at everything! i was actually talking to my friend allison tonight about that; the shows i've cried the most at were waitress, and ragtime for sure. but waitress even more so (which means ... seeing it in san francisco in january with two of my best friends — who don't know each other — is going to be a fun way to start off a trip). i've cried at cinderella. for no reason at all. i think it'd be easier to name a show that didn't make me cry haha. it's just ... the magic of theatre! that being said ... i did not cry when i saw les mis on tour last year, so do with that what you will!

i hope you're enjoying your reads! i meant to reread funny story once it came out and still haven't, but maybe i'll get to that soonish. i do think that both of them are very, very tropey and i hope you're enjoying it! what are some of your favorite tropes? ever summer after is very much like the summer i turned pretty, but with older characters, so i'm curious to see how it does! i didn't realize it was being turned into a tv show! did you see the people we meet on vacation casting? do you have thoughts? i really liked emily in my lady jane, and i'm keeping an open mind on tom, since i haven't actually seen him in anything except for tiktok fancams and tumblr gifsets haha. he's a sweetheart though (we have mutual friends) and i'm happy for his success!

happy happy august!!!! i hope your august is going great! you're seeing 21p at the end of the month, right? i can't wait to hear about it! i don't know if i'll be around much at the end of the month since i'll be in new york but know that i'll be thinking of you and i will be seeing things on my phone (just probably not responding, since i hate typing long messages on my phone) if you want to send in a concert review 🥺! oh noah on debut would be so fun!! i would actually really love that! i'd also like kacey musgraves, or maggie rogers on debut! i was listening to halsey earlier today (i was spinning badlands on vinyl) and was thinking of how cool a halsey rep feature or 1989 feature would be! i've heard of soccer mommy but haven't done a discography dive in! but now that you've mentioned them, i'll check them out 🤍

did you see that maisie and holly are opening for taylor? 🥺🥺🥺 i'm so proud of my girls but also terrified for what their future concerts will be like haha. i've been seeing a LOT of rep theories and i do think the easter egg/clowners have a point but i also wonder if she'd do the same thing (announce a recording on tour) twice. personally i'd want her to wait until after tour, but i do see why she'd want to release it on tour. i just think that her (and ttpd) are everywhere and it'd be good for there to be a break haha.

i didn't know green is your favorite color! pink is mine, although i don't think that's going to be much of a shock! i was also spinning clairo's immunity on vinyl today! i feel like i've just been listening to a lot of my usuals (maisie, holly, sabrina, gretta ray — have we talked about gretta ray? i love her! highly recommend her!) and then musicals! musicals galore! a lot of sondheim 🤍 and a lot of olivia rodrigo in preparation for my concert tomorrow, and the japanese house for the concert i'm going to next week! eeeee!

hope you're doing well! thinking of you and sending hugs!

[solardick]

Thoughts continue on letter Вv. While learning or reading, gleaming over all definitions starting with Вв(v), all seem congruent with my high priestess card. Though some minor differences should be made to make it more compatible. Interesting how its connected to number 8 and lesser so to number 4.

The surprising thing that came to attention is letter Ы. There isn’t anywords that start with this letter. And therefor it cannot be capitalized beyond using it in reference to itself. And though all words starting with Bv can for greater or lesser for the priestess card, all words starting with Вы, mean “outter”, to out, conclusion, and finish. Though the word Вы means you. Most words starting with ВВ mean lovely and good. Though other words like Вы, Ты, Мы, all mean the subject of the phrase. Whether its us or you.

Though with my cards drawn to conclusion, including number a 8 leading to 9 and Г4 and 3B. Speaks of rescuing or protecting the girl. Its great.

Walked past a girl today. With a vibe of connection similar to as coming from my past. I didn’t even look at her. I see her frequently enough. But, my lack of care, and security from initials. The pain and sickness. I just walked by side to side, faces shoulder widths away. But that vibe, that feeling is lingering. Glad its missing the sexual abuse and/or mating call signing. Unlike everyother time y’all have brought in a girl to fuck me with. With perverse degenerate bs. Seeping in from all the hands in the background.-whatever, let’s do this- faith in god and all. He is speaking to me. So. But people suck too much horseshit. And are too far away from that presence. Anyway, this beleive it or is all part of the Bv script.

Curios how letter Г changes to letter V depending on the laws of pronunciation. And the connection to 4 by Bv. This can only be seen or sensed with the over-layering of english and russian. Otherwise one would miss it.

But its foolish to believe that one may be loved. If one is I. Twenty years so, don’t count on it. 39 years say i eas born for nonother purpose than been fucked by shitheels.

And i ask myself. Why if i look back that my life fallows this russian script. But, now i can see a connection between letters Ы, Ь and, Ъ. Beyond the face value appearance of the three. Special characters that can only be minor arcana.

And Ы Ю. And the power of “you”. Should tred carefully here when it comes to images and the connection that would be bond.

The connection of letter H is highly brought to the word No. somethign waite added himself to tarot. With his reversal of the lovers and the Marseilles strength cards. Brought to bare by justice. No. 1 plus 1. No. But what is this about 1plus O or i plus O. To speak from the last few years and the constance of the abuse. In which i almost died liek three times. Two dicks versus the vagina. Which also starts with a B. Lol. Silly rabbit.

I figure since im so perfectly sync’d. To the dessemination of fake reality. While the americas fret about the war on fake news. Pumping out endless hours of zombinoid entertainment. And fake realities. That the script of the cards showed fill themselves. And be devoid or minorly affceted by too much bias. And be collective as possible. Considering. Nature, what ever that means. Spekas with me in tandem to reality whatever that means. Shows some measure of promise. And so far it’s only been nature that has been being honest with me.

So apparently. Theres no russian dictionary on google. Got translates but thats pretty much it.

An dya cant really trust the oxford dictionary. The word юпитер, they have written as floodlight. Another source says sunlight. And it also means Jupiter. The very short list of words for Ю are, skirt, youth, justice and lawyer. To sum it up. And one cant really the form of a feminine justice figure. Which complicates letter K some. That system works for the tarot system. But seems it doesnt for the russian system. Well same goes for the tower card belonging to letter T. When it litterally suits letter Б. Plus first names that start with Ю as yulia or julia, Uliana. As j is often a y letter sound. Are girls names. They equates letter Ю to youthful and sky-father. Abd there doesnt seem to be, at superficial level, any boy names that start with Ю.

Wow, К is one big letter. But, i can loosely connect it to temperance. Which falls on letter R. They look similar beyond K being more open. Я is an interesting letter. Much simpler. Connected to the egg. The ash tree, the self. To speech. Also containment. As a precursor to opening and hatching. Its also connected the lizard. And light. Lizards are found in areas of heightened sunheat. They also come from the egg. So it’s not a far off shoot from the biblical tree of knowledge. Where the serpent is.

The ash tree is also currios. Of the varying 50 plus species of ash trees. It’s being named as Odin’s tree. Odins horse. Holding up the 9 worlds or numbers. Fraxinus excelsior is the ash tree native to west/northern europe. And like all ash trees belongs to the olive family. The trees also serve fitting for the individual because of the gender difference. There are both male and female trees with their own flowering. Though its the female that bares the fruit. The Fraxinus excelsior type though has samaras. The winged like helicopter seeds. Also known as keys, or ash keys. Though other species of ash produce different fruit. Some have fruit/berries that stay on through out the winter. Being red or similar. Birds then feed off them and spread the seeds. Among other non-hibernating animals. Fraxinus excelsior, though, is also curios by its spelling. As the E of excelsior also belongs to the russian letter Э which precedes letter Я. But proceeds letter Ю. While doing a quick read through letter Э, gave me a vague similitude to the world card of tarot. And it’s erotic like form.

The idea was in the creation of the Я image to be “bi-gendered” in the sense that it was open for whomever was reading. But not in a way that confused the dichotomy as in hermaphroditic. In this sense a tree would work, as would a varying degree of animals and that also of prepubescent children. Which is why i original choose Waite’s sun card. For it shows a single child. “Breaking out of” a shell so to say. And this works for the egg or seed of letter Я. That I am now learning. Before this stage a child has it’s “innocent” so to say and is subject to its environment for its development. This then pairs later on with the hormonal fluctuations of adolescence. If all incoming stimuli is made to be placed into a vacuum of non-segregated information. Or for the purposes of manipulation, placing “gender” motives outside an individual has they are persuing them, may result in its projection outside its own body. Especially of it’s consistently punished. Negating the internal development.

The other curiosity of Russian vs english is the start of english and the ending of russian. From reading left to right. And imaging right to left. Of R vs Я, E vs Э and 0-I vs. Ю. Beyond the type font there really isnt much difference. Between characters. As I is to 1. And O is to 0.

The same for letters Б Ы Ь Ъ. Though three being minor arcana. But where to go from here. And the thought came that the minor arcana ь and ъ proceeding letter Я could serve well for the feminine and masculine. The soft sign ь and the hard sign ъ. Though original thought was simply unused cards for the lack of pronounciation, simy to serve as cues for a versed or reversed image.

Wish there was something for me to do when I’m not working. Beyond jsut being here. Floating. Nowhere.

And all theyve mabaged to di to me over all these years is destroy all proactive motivation forward. I dirn even clean uo after myself anymore. Just serrounded by trash.

All this pisces sags bs strangles mars from functioning. To develop what im doing now just means being stuck in limbo. I was more productive at home when i was smoking pot. But way dumber. Being high and trying to game an mpo-rps was like being a spider trying to weave a web under the influence. Getting stuck in a corner and not being able to function. Not having any feminine bodies around me doesnt help in doing anything at all. No one to serve. Or win bread for cant be the sun light to nourish the fruit. The power of Я. To accompany the R. It’s only in the light that a tree may grow.

The power of the star(s) card which should be plural is the power of the night and à’ the sources merging together in the formations of dream. The moon serves to remind one’s « superiority » of self to the minority of the stars powers. As the b’end and touch one another. I dont n ow what the fuck tarot is going on about.

When venus is rising the power of the stars becomes with the motion of creation. When venus is setting that motion is failing. The sun has that power to connect with the masses. As venus fallows the day behind the scenes. But in dreams venus is nowhere to be seen. It rests with the sun. Venus is beauty simply because the set snd the rise are beautiful. As that is supposed to fallow through with the day in the interaction with the world. Or somethign. Idont know. Im bored. And the evening becomes the time of romance. Fallowing the pink and gold into the privacy of the home and the cherishes of the relationship.

But for russian. Who would have know that Jupiter was a chick. Suppose it makes sense since she did nothign but fuck everyone and cause problems in relationships. …. And free all the demons and mischief that saturn kept in toe and discipline for the well functioning of justice and order. I dont know what the fucl the greeks where going on about.

Arwh, ok ill stop esting those. Think i gave myself an ulcer. Add that to the problem.

[annestie]

Reform Unfrosts The Heart

Summary: Loki goes to another "team bonding" activity and meets an intriguing teen boy.

Pairing: Loki & Peter (Platonic)

Word Count: 1,189

Notes: Shocking, isn't it? Another non-avatar fic. Two of my closest friends just happen to have the same fandom preferences and b-days a week apart lol.

This is a gift for one of my closest friends. Frost, yes the title is bit of a pun on what we call you. In the years I've known you, I have definitely thought a lot more about burning people in Ikeas than before and you always got some good recs (that I will eventually get to lmao). I hope you lovely birthday and party (tomorrow). I'm so happy to give this to you, I tried my best with the prompt and I hope you like it too!

This was very fun to write, I'm slowly crawling into this fandom one birthday fic at a time!

Loki and the Avengers have a complicated relationship to say the least. It probably stems from him trying to take over the world and nearly accomplishing it. Though, now they aren’t friends per say, you could hardly even say acquittances, but Loki doesn’t wear handcuffs just to be around them anymore.

Thor even sometimes brings him around for what he calls “team bonding” which so far has been mostly terrible movies and equally terrible boardgames. Loki would skip any and all of them for the entire future but rather unfortunately if he doesn’t go, he’ll have to stay with the even more annoying ones in Asgard with no Thor to distract them.

Though this time is different. A dinner. Finally something Loki could enjoy. That isn’t to say that he will or would but there is now a possibility he may.

Thor has them use the Bifrost to get to the tower. Loki could have teleported them though he is apparently not trusted with “such magic items” around the Avengers and if he wishes to stay in their good graces, his scepter shall be as far away from him when they’re around. Reform is horrible.  

They land just outside Avengers tower. Scarring those walking nearby. Thor forces them to use the elevator as well, saying they need to act more like those around them. The dreaded thing. It climbs ever so slowly to the top, though Loki has been told that this one is faster than others. At the very least, they have one specifically for them and the Avengers, so they needn’t to stop for others.

Loki can’t imagine that causing panic would be the best, sure he’s reformed but the people don’t know that. Plus he really doesn’t need to see his brother fawned over more. He has heard the word “selfie” too many times the last visits.

When the elevator finally stops, the two immediately step out and begin towards the kitchen, where chaos is.

Apparently, there hadn’t been a chosen cook. Instead four of them are simply running around the kitchen like chickens with their heads cut off as they attempt to make enough food for what Loki presumes are Thor and Roger which ends up looking like enough for an army.

Loki ignores this, walking past the mess of a kitchen and towards the living room where he’ll undoubtedly spend quite a bit of his time while the food is being prepared. In the living room, he finally finds something of interest.

“Can I go out?” A younger boy asks, no older than his late teens.

“You know the agreement, finish the homework,” Stark, surprisingly, responds, his arms folded as he looks at the boy. He looks almost father-like.

Which is strange for the last time Loki was brought here, he doesn’t’ remember a child though fairly this child seems intent on leaving so perhaps he simply wasn’t here. Loki discretely listens closer.

“I did it earlier,” The boy says with a smile.

Sighing, Stark nods his head. “Alright but come back for dinner. You know May hates when you don’t eat.”

“Thanks!” The boy yells as he rushes off.

Raising an eyebrow, Loki turns to Thor. “Who was that?” Loki asks. “Beside Stark, the child.”

“Ah!” Thor says, wrapping an arm around Loki’s shoulders. “Peter. He lives here. Sometimes. The team has a bet going on if he’s Stark’s son.”

“Bet?”

“Neither claim relation but both act as father and son,” Thor explains.

Loki hums. Finally something to entertain his stays in this tower. “How do I join this bet?”

Dinner comes around. The table set and the food all put out and all they’re waiting for is the child, Peter, at the insistence of Stark, and Barton, who is not a child yet has failed to show up on time.

Though Loki has been stealing bites ever since he sat down at the table, even reformed he has to keep some level of mischief. And, yes, it has come down to stealing bites of food.  

Peter is the first to get to the table. He rushes out of the elevator and immediately takes his spot next to Stark which happens to be across from Loki. He makes his apologies, saying that something had come up.

Suddenly and quite dramatically, Barton enters the room, obviously furious. “What did you do to my hearing aid?!” he yells to Stark as he points to his now elf shaped ear.

Stark immediately burst out laughing. “I didn’t do anything but how does it feel having your true form, Legolas?” he says, amused.

“Do you like it?” Peter asks Barton with a huge smile.

This causes the ‘elf’ to pause. The anger that was once coming off him in waves, gone. “You did this?” Barton asks, slowly.

“Yeah! I had some extra parts and I thought it would be nice,” Peter explains.

Barton looks conflicted as he takes his seat at the table. “It looks great, kid.”

Loki tilts his head as he looks at the sly grin making its way onto Peter’s face, an idea already forming in his mind. Perhaps these visits needn’t be so boring and perhaps the God of mischief could finally regain a bit of his favorite pastime back.

Having to enlist a teenager to help him get away with mischief is not something Loki thought he would have to resort to. But he also thought he would never reform. So, maybe the unlikely isn’t that unlikely.

Either way, whether Loki is proud of it or not, he ends up alone with Peter just a bit after dinner though before Thor is done with socializing.

“Starkson,” Loki calls the child. He had joined the bet a little before dinner and, after seeing the two interact and the ways Stark once lived, saw the possibility of their relation.

“Uh,” Peter says as he looks up at Loki, confused. “Loki, sir?” Rather polite, unusual for a Stark but maybe he takes from his mother more.

“What you did to Barton was amusing,” Loki states. “Perhaps, you wish to learn more.”

“What?”

“You have a knack for not getting in trouble and the others don’t exactly trust me. I could teach you my tricks, guide you and help you enact them,” Loki explains.

Peter’s brain sort of short circuits at this point. It’s not only because Loki is apparently calling him ‘Starkson’, he honestly thought that was a Thor thing, but it seems more Asgardian now. Also, it’s the fact that Loki, a God, not someone Peter thought he would have any type of relationship with, has just offered to be his mischief mentor. A mentor to specifically prank the Avengers. Absolutely absurd.

“I do,” Peter immediately says. Because when the God of mischief offers to be your mentor, you don’t decline that offer. You never decline that offer even when it’s a past enemy, turned reformed prankster(?), of the world’s heroes.

Loki smiles. “I have much to teach you then.”

And like that an unlikely alliance is formed, readying to rain terror on the Avengers and anyone unlucky enough to be in the path.