#it seems you’re still the thing around which all else revolves

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[elliehase-blog]

The Valentine's Surprise

It’s just a random day in February and Roman bursts through the door, bringing a blast of cold air from outside into Virgil’s room.

“We have a problem!”

“Hm,” Virgil replies without looking up from his book.

“It’s an emergency,” Roman says more emphatically.

Virgil lifts an eyebrow slightly. “Is the house on fire? Should I run for my life?”

“Much worse.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Roman unceremoniously flop down on the armchair next to him, burying his face in his arms.

“We have no date for Valentine’s Day,” he says in a tone of voice in which other people say, ‘I only have six months to live’. “Why do I think of this so late every year? Why? Why is Valentine’s Day always so sudden?”

Virgil smirks behind the pages. “Yes, it’s hard to believe that they put it so spontaneously and completely arbitrarily on February the 14th again. Is it no longer possible to rely on anything in life?”

Roman fishes for a pillow and throws it in Virgil’s direction. “Not funny, Mister Sarcasm!”

It becomes more than clear that Roman, with all his pre-Valentine’s heartbreak, isn’t going anywhere else. Virgil struggles with himself for a moment before finally putting the book aside and turning to Roman.

“Why are you bothering me with this anyway? Patton seems to me the right side to contact for your problem.”

Roman sighs deeply and tragically. “No, it has to be you,” he confesses and comes finally to the point. “You’re the one who can push this problem into focus.”

‘Ah’ thinks Virgil, only mildly surprised. No one ever comes to him for advice. Especially not Roman.

“Listen, Princey, weren’t we all agreeing on not psyching ourself out over some day and instead celebrating love in all its forms?”

He knew that the topic would come up again, no matter how well Roman coped with the whole thing on the outside. You don’t have to be a genius to realize that his thoughts still revolve around Nico Flores and the unclear relationship.

“Ugh.” Roman sighs again. “It’s just…,” he starts to explain and his voice sounds husky, as if he had a cold. “I’m Thomas’s romantic side and I should do something, right? Valentine’s Day makes me sentimental, and I want to throw around grand gestures, but… What’s the point of embracing love if you never get anything back?”

That was too much of an exaggeration, even by Roman’s standards. Virgil would like to make a sarcastic remark again, but he can’t. Not when Roman looks like that, so worked up and hurt. It always causes a strange tug in his chest that he can’t quite explain.

“Wow, that’s a gloomy way of seeing it.” Virgil swings his legs over the edge of the couch and stands up. “Come on, you stayed already for too long in my room. Breathe, okay?”

Roman allows Virgil to grab him by the arm and carefully escort him out of this dark corner of the mind.

“Better?”

“Better,” Roman agrees, but still sounding a little helpless.

It’s unbearable.

“Okay, you know what, let me show you something.”

Almost energetically, Virgil manoeuvres them in the direction of the stairs. It’s kind of surprising how little defensive Roman is about all of it. Usually, he is protesting and whining a lot more. For now, he just raises his arms in a questioning manner.

“Virge, what-” he stops abruptly. Roman has the widened, panicked gaze of a deer on the highway that suddenly and abruptly finds itself in the middle of the headlights of an approaching truck.

“Oh my goodness! Are you kidding me?! What’s… Why…?”

Virgil bites his lower lip, amused. “My pet spider wanted a friend, and you’re always into battling monsters, so…”

“No, no, no… No!”

“Isn’t this what you wanted? Unconditional, requited love.”

Roman looks at Virgil, then at the spider and his tiny self, and finally back to Virgil again.

“You’re unbelievable.”

Virgil crosses his arms over his chest and shrugs. To be honest, he’s just a little smug about it. You can’t choose where Cupid’s arrow will land.

“What can I say, you make my spider feel special and awesome.”

The corners of Roman’s mouth twitch. It looks like a smile he’s suppressing. “I will tolerate this nonsense,” he says benevolently. “But it’s not at all solving my problem.”

Virgil should walk away now, leaving Roman behind with nothing but his self-doubts and fears. That’s at least what the old anxiety would do. Damn it, he is not the one who is usually comforting people! But then again… it’s all about family, right? At least, that’s what Patton would say.

“I can’t believe that I have to point it out.” Virgil sighs and feels a little uncomfortable all of a sudden. “Love always comes around for us when we least expect it. You don’t have to force anything, Roman. Accept and acknowledge what you already have. There’s a lot of affection in different ways and forms around you. You’re just not seeing it clear.”

It’s strange to have said it out loud after it’s been rumbling in his stomach like an ulcer. Strange and relieving at the same time.

Virgil clears his throat. Anyway, it’s not that he meant anyone specific. What matters is, that Roman’s face suddenly lights up with a warm, knowing smile. It makes Virgil feel a whole lot better too.

"I knew I could count on you," says Roman softly, and no one is commenting it.

💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️

I hope you enjoyed the small (not beta-read) story. I apologize in advance for any grammar or spelling mistakes my german brain wasn't seeing.

[trentsixtysix]

Stockholm Syndrome

Summary: After a relationship going on for years, you find yourself unable to leave when everything suddenly changes and Trent isn’t the same man you fell in love with.

WARNINGS: This (short) series will contain Angst and (light) Smut. Unhealthy relationship (please don’t read if this will affect you), Mentions of loss, Toxic Trent, D-head Trent, cliche.

Word Count: 5.7k

Chapter 1

Another day had passed and so had another silly little argument.

The past few months your relationship had entirely changed, but you'd been telling yourself everyday it will pass - it’s just a phase that your relationship is going through and you’ll make it out fine.. right?

He was all you knew, all your life revolved around, and that was normal for you since you were both just 18 year old children and he first asked you out, still a shy academy player.

You were always told you were outgoing, confident and the antithesis of him, but as soon as you felt his brown eyes looking at you, you melted. He had an effect on you that would make you silent from shyness when you could normally talk for England, that’s exactly what he liked about the relationship, he loved having that hold over you.

It was balanced out by how whipped over you he was, all the years you’d been together and he still worshipped the ground you walked on, which is why you didn’t mind everything being about him sometimes, in his eyes you were the sun and that’s all you needed.

He proposed last year, and to be honest you never thought he would. It was most likely pressure from his peers as you were approaching the 5 year mark, and thank God because you were staring to get fed up with it too. He had told you from the beginning you were the one, his soulmate and future wife, but with you both being so young you didn't actually think you'd get your ring so soon, even though there was no reason not to as things were going good for you at the time. You were the closest you'd ever been and it was the best day of your life to see him one on knee in front of you.

Aside from being his fiancée you had stuff going for yourself too; having recently graduated from Uni you started your own business. It was definitely difficult at your age, but you managed to do it all by yourself with your own money, and as tempting as it was, all the offers from Trent to help finance your project were rejected - you decided you needed at least one thing you’d done completely by yourself.

Only a year later now and you’d quit your job. Not entirely as you still owned the business and it was doing great, but you stepped down from your role and gave it to someone else. Why? Because Trent asked you to. Because he told you that you’re so busy you don’t have time for him anymore, and you stupidly obliged, feeling guilty you ever let work consume you like that in the first place. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now it seemed like your only purpose was to be present to entertain Trent; and you hated yourself for thinking in such a negative manner, but unfortunately it was becoming more and more true as time went along. Why did you have to quit your job to focus on your relationship when he was away every week? When he got to continue his passion and leave you home alone all the time? Where’s the fairness in that?

This was the exact reason you didn’t recognise yourself at this moment, sat at the foot of the bed crying your eyes out as you waited for him to get home, where you’d have to put on a front and bend over backwards to avoid another argument, an argument which was the exact reason he’d stormed out in the first place.

Once upon a time he’d be grovelling to make up with you, he’d apologise multiple times until he knew you were okay and you were obviously completely fine with the Princess treatment he gave you, you both knew you deserved it after all you’d do for him.

This was all so foreign to you now, he didn’t even give you a second glance as he slammed the door behind him, and you dreaded the sound of him snatching his keys aggressively to leave the house, but he did it so frequently now you didn’t even flinch.

--------------

‘Are you going somewhere?’ You asked, noticing Trent was dressed rather nicely this evening, lathering himself in cologne.

‘Just out with the lads, will be home late probably.’ He told you, attending to his phone.

‘Oh.’ You said, disappointment evident on your face, which he soon noticed after he looked up at you.

‘What’s the issue now?’ He asked, a tinge of passive aggression with his words, which he cleverly disguised with a faint smile.

‘Don’t be silly, there’s no issue.’ You said, rolling your eyes as you sat on the bed behind him.

‘Well clearly there is? Why can’t we speed this up and you just tell me what it is?’ He wondered, brows furrowed.

‘Nothing, go.’

‘Go out with your friends again.’ You said under your breath, eyes glued to your phone because you didn’t want to look at him in this moment.

‘Why do you have an issue with me going out with my friends?’ He said, turning around to face you, forcing you to look into his eyes.

‘I don’t. I have an issue when it’s the third time in a row this week.’ You huffed, regretting your words already as you didn’t want to talk about it right now, especially as it would most likely be a half arsed discussion since he was in a rush and you wouldn't get to explain yourself properly.

‘Why is that an issue?’

‘Because Trent, you come home wasted and can’t get up in the morning for training, that's not a good habit to have.’ You sighed, frustrated and not understanding the choices he'd been making recently.

‘Who are you to tell me I can’t go out?’

‘Your fiancée. Seems you’ve forgotten that lately haven’t you?’ You snapped, getting off of the bed to go downstairs, not wanting to be in his company right now.

He stopped you and grabbed a hold of your arm, pulling you back gently until you were just inches apart.

‘So that’s the issue is it?’ He muttered, voice quiet as you were so close.

‘You’re pissed off I’ve been out instead of home with you?’ He deciphered, which was correct but you weren’t about to admit it.

‘Get off.’ You said in response, disregarding him completely.

‘Is that true?’ He asked, again, his grip only getting tighter.

‘I don’t care anymore, do whatever you want.’ You mumbled, suddenly kind of relieved he was going out.

'That's fucking selfish Y/n.' He said.

‘I’m selfish?’

‘Yeah. Yeah you are.’ He confirmed

'And you're not? Making me quit my job for you?' You slammed, aware it came from nowhere whilst you tried to pry his fingers off of you, and he just widened his eyes, clearly shocked at what you'd just said.

'I knew it. You've still not let this go.’ He chuckled, extremely annoyed with you as he dramatically let go of your hand.

'Whatever Trent-'

'You quit your job, I didn't have you at gun point. It was all you.' He reminded you, face just centimetres from yours as the close contact had the little hairs on your body standing up from nervousness.

'Don't ring me unless its an emergency, I'll be back late.' He simply said, slamming the door behind him and leaving you behind, and once you got confirmation he was gone, you fell to your knees, tears gushing from what had just taken place.

Maybe you were being dramatic. He's just going out with friends? So what if he's coming home late. What irked you was that he'd never done this before; he wasn't the partying type, he never cared for it but as soon as the problems in your relationship arose he was out way more often, almost like he was avoiding you. You tried to convince yourself other people were doing the same, that you were just overreacting and maybe you are too clingy - regardless, you promised yourself you'd try and amend things when he got home.

----------

A week had passed since your disagreement, and you still weren't talking properly.

It wasn't just that though, throughout that argument you were having 100 different smaller arguments, until finally you decided to not bother each other at all, simply co-existing in silence for the past day or so.

You were sick of it, he was sick of it and you wanted nothing more than to just cuddle him, to apologise even though you knew it wasn't solely your fault. You didn't care at this point who was to blame, and would've gladly accepted responsibility for this mess if it meant the two of you were getting along again.

'Y/n.' He said, making you jump slightly as you'd both been sat in silence together for the past hour or so, the only noise coming from the TikTok's you were scrolling through.

He had just come back from training, he was tired and that was probably the very reason he hadn't disappeared or gone into the other room, instead finding himself slumped on the sofa opposite you as you both did your own thing.

'Hmm?' You replied, wondering why he was calling you.

He gestured you over to sit with him, patting his lap with his hand to encourage you to lay there, which you did hesitantly after thinking over it slightly. It was like this lack of communication had made you completely forget he was your fiancé, and physical touch with him was so rare to you now.

You slotted in like a jigsaw piece, finding comfort in the familiar feeling of his lap, waiting for him to continue his conversation.

'How many years is it gonna be?' He asked, as you almost jumped in realisation, your anniversary was tomorrow.

'I almost forgot..' You said, looking up to see a slight smile appear on his face from amusement.

'6 if you don't count our break.' You added, both of you remembering the time a few years back you broke up briefly, but being so in love you found yourself back together after a little time apart.

'We'll do something tomorrow then, just me and you yeah?' He suggested, and you tried extremely hard to contain your excitement, your heart fluttering as maybe things were beginning to look up for the two of you.

You just nodded agreeing, having to turn away from his face when his eyes burned into you too long, making you shy all over again. No matter how many years you'd been together, you still couldn't maintain eye contact.

'Still so nervous around me baby.' He smirked, and the use of the nickname just made you even more nervous like a little schoolgirl, causing you to giggle in embarrassment, all whilst he used his hands to position your face towards his, admiring you slightly before leaning in to kiss you; a real kiss you hadn't experienced in ages.

One thing led to another and you found yourself straddling him, leaning in to deepen your kisses as you moaned out, sinking down on him to satisfy the urge inside of you which hadn't been satisfied in a while either.

You had slept together a lot this past week, but not once did it leave you content, and not once did you finish, confusing as Trent always made sure you felt good, always making sure you enjoyed it as much as he did.

Recently it felt like you were just a body to him, letting him get all of his anger and frustrations out when nothing was in it for you, leaving you to simply lie there until he was done flipping you around like a doll for his pleasure. You always ended it off with some sort of affection, some sort of praise from him to make you feel better especially when he'd been rough, but nowadays he'd just turn over and go straight to sleep discarding you - and you wondered if you'd done something wrong, if you weren't good enough.

This time was different though, you hadn't made love like this in so long, and for the first time in a while he held you close to him after, pulling you into his chest as he played with your hair, placing simple kisses all over your head whilst you gave in to your tiredness, ending the night on a good note as you hoped things would be better now.

You were awoken around noon to no one beside you, Trent had already left for training and upon checking your phone you had a few messages from him this morning.

Trent: Happy Anniversary ❤️ be ready for 7.

You smiled at the message, quickly texting him back to say the same thing as you got ready for the day; you took extra care with your shower, loaded the dishwasher, dried the clothes and washed another set of clothes. If past you had seen your routine now she'd laugh at the cliche you became, what had happened to all those aspirations of yours?

Either way you sat and relaxed on the sofa for a bit when you were free, counting down the hours for your fiancé to return home.

It was approaching 5 O Clock when you decided to begin getting ready, unaware why Trent wasn't home yet as he finished training an hour ago, deciding to spend time dolling yourself up instead of dwelling on it.

You had bought a beautiful red dress for yourself; satin and flowy but figure hugging all the right spots, and until now you had nowhere to wear it, exciting you to give it a purpose - it had been so long since you'd properly gotten ready, so long since you'd felt good about yourself not only mentally but physically.

You put your hair into loose curls, taking care to brush them out to perfection as you applied natural makeup. You knew you'd feel a bit more confident in a full face but Trent was always going on about how you 'didn't need it' and how he preferred you much more natural, and even though it'd be for your own satisfaction you decided you really wanted to please him tonight.

6:25.

You looked over at the clock for what felt like the 100th time, wondering when he'd get home and when he'd start getting ready too, not panicking too much as all he really had to do was go for a quick shower and put his clothes on, either way you were fearing the worst when you knew you should be staying positive.

You: When you gonna be home?

You hoped he'd look at your message soon; and made a million excuses for his tardiness in your head, what if his tire was punctured? Car broke down? Arrested? Kidnapped? As much as you knew it wasn't a big deal, and that people had bigger issues, you couldn't help but feel a pit begin to form in your stomach again, that funny feeling returning which made you nauseous because you knew if he didn't have a good excuse for being late it would just erupt in another argument.

6:55.

There was still no response, and you were supposed to leave around about now, so you called his phone a few times, your anxiety turning to anger as it just kept going straight to voicemail.

The detective in you rushed to go and look at his friends' social medias, especially the ones who felt the need to post everything. You knew if they were with Trent there would be some evidence of it on there, and to your surprise upon clicking on their story there he was; beer in his hand whilst he relaxed with his mates.

You couldn't believe your eyes, screen shotting for when you'd confront him about it later. It was posted only 10 minutes ago, and you weren't even sure he remembered about the date you had planned. In the heat of the moment you found yourself tossing your phone across the room, feeling like a fool for imagining things could change so fast, you definitely spoke too soon.

Here you were sitting like an idiot dressed pretty, for a man that had forgotten all about you, having the time of his life with his friends instead of being with the woman he'd spent 6 years with. The woman who'd been there with him through it all.

You shut your eyes briefly after trying to convince yourself you were being dramatic again, but in all honesty you were sick of making excuses for him, and you were done walking on egg shells to avoid arguments with him, letting him get away with the things he did.

All you could hear now was the sound of footsteps getting louder as you struggled to open your eyes. Looking around you, you realised you had accidentally fallen asleep where you were sat, still dressed up and alone. You assumed he was back now as you had memorised his movements, and you anticipated him entering the room any minute now as you checked your phone.

01:52am

You didn't realise you had slept that long, and groggily made your way to your closet, needing to be free of the suddenly suffocating dress you had on.

'You're still awake?' Said a voice, obviously Trent as you turned around to face him, annoyance evident on your face as you shrugged him off.

'Fuck me. What's all this for?' He asked as he looked you up and down, only making you angrier because he was so oblivious, and you could tell he was drunk whilst you fought the zip behind.

'Here let me.' He offered, pulling it down for you before you leaned away from him.

'Get off me.' You muttered, all the frustration from the day suddenly creeping in on you as your voice cracked.

'What's the matter now?' He wondered, rolling his eyes - and he'd really done it now, he'd really pissed you off.

'It's our anniversary Trent.' You simply said, watching as his eyes widened in realisation.

'It's our anniversary and you've had me waiting here like a dickhead for you all evening.' You added, silence following your words.

'Baby… I'm so sorry I-.' He began to say, cut off by the chuckle that escaped you as you couldn't believe it.

'Lost track of time? Don't want to hear your excuses.' You said, noticing that all empathy had left him now too, and there was fury in his eyes also, most definitely at the fact you were becoming angry with him for the first time in a while.

'You think I done it on purpose do you?' He asked, eyes narrowed.

'Honestly I don't know, wouldn't be surprised if you went out of your way to hurt me.'

'It's all you've been doing lately.' You added, changing into his oversized t shirt and your shorts, which at the moment you didn’t even feel like wearing.

'Oh grow up Y/n, all you've been doing is complaining.' He said.

'I can't keep doing this anymore.' You sighed, going into the bathroom, noticing he was following you as you began to remove your makeup.

'What the fuck does that mean?' He asked, getting increasingly closer to you.

'Get away from me.' You said, not appreciating the fact he was breathing down your neck, your heart suddenly beating faster.

It wasn't that he scared you; you knew he would never hurt you like that, just him in general made you nervous. He always had.

'Tell me what that means.' He repeated, whilst you rubbed circles over your face with a cotton pad.

'I'm not talking about this with you whilst you're drunk.' You explained, finishing off and heading back to your bedroom, to which he followed you again.

'You can't keep doing what anymore?!' He pestered.

'This!' You shouted, turning around to see him.

'I can't fucking do this anymore. You come home late all the time, you forget everything and all we do is argue Trent, are you not exhausted? Because I am!' You fought, looking him dead in his eyes, fighting back the urge to look away - the longer you looked into his eyes the more you couldn't figure out what he was thinking.

'Then why don't you leave?' He gently said.

'Why are you still fucking here?' He asked, which sounded more like a demand for you to go.

You knew your eyes were filling up with tears, and so did he so you didn't even try to disguise it. You were done hiding and pretending to be happy, crying out in front of him this time - you needed him to see what he was doing to you.

'Y/n..' He called, putting his hand on your face to wipe your tears, guilt creeping up to him slowly, but you just shunned him away and ran to the bathroom, locking the door behind you.

'Y/n open the door.' He asked, knocking on it lightly.

'Y/n.' He said again, only thing he could hear being your sobs.

'Just leave me Trent.' You mumbled, trying to catch your breath.

'Please come out? You know I didn't mean any of it baby.' He said, his tone changing.

‘Y/n please.’

You remained silent, noticing his begging had stopped after a little while, and you stayed locked in there a little while longer until you noticed deep breaths from the other side of the door.

He was crying.

You hadn't seen him cry in so long; sure he was upset after he lost the UCL final but he held it together pretty well, this however was completely foreign to you.

'T?' You called, feeling his weight from leaning on the door slow you down a little as you powered it open to your bedroom.

He had his head in his hands, sniffles escaping him slightly as you began to feel sorry for the sight you saw. You assumed he was just as exhausted, and wanted nothing more than to hold him in your arms, to tell him it was okay and you're here now. But you couldn't figure out for the life of you why you should be the one comforting him when he had hurt you.

'Trent.' You called again, prompting his head to peek up slightly as he reached out to grab your hands, slowly pulling you to sit with him as he wept even more, clutching onto your hands for comfort.

'Shh it's okay.' You told him, your own tears trickling down your cheeks too but you knew he must be devastated for him to be in this rare state right now.

'It's not okay. Who the fuck forgets their anniversary?' He said, and you couldn't have agreed more as it was entirely his idea in the first place.

'Not only that but I've been cruel Y/n, really cruel.' He added, causing you to wipe his tears.

'Why is it like this? What's up Trent?' You asked, desperate for an answer as to why your relationship was going to shit.

'I'm sorry Y/n.' He said, simply.

'Sorry for what?' You questioned, although you were able to think of a list of things.

'I'm sorry, you don't deserve any of what I've done.' He cried, and your heart stopped, assuming hundreds of different things.

The further you enquired the more he refused to give you an answer, instead changing the topic as he wept. You decided there was no point in trying to get anything out of him as he was not in a state to have a mature conversation, which is why you simply laid him in bed and got in next to him, holding him all night - it was sleepless for you however as his words replayed in your mind the entire night.

‘You don’t deserve any of what I’ve done.’

------

You appreciated you had longer to lie in today as it was the weekend; Trent was home and that meant you had an opportunity to finish your conversation from last night.

Upon waking up you noticed he was already awake, the spot in bed empty next to you as you could hear things clattering in the kitchen downstairs - praying he had took it upon himself to make breakfast whilst you got showered quickly.

'What you cooking?' You asked, even though you knew it'd be nothing more special than scrambled eggs, the only thing he really knew how to make. Regardless, you happily eat them, always appreciating it when he made an effort.

'Eggs. Made you some.' He said, seemingly in a hurry.

'You going somewhere?' You asked, trying to sound as unbothered as possible as you realised you unintentionally sounded so controlling.

'Gym, and don't forget you got that thing with some of the other birds later.' He said, reaching to grab his bag, and you stood confused, not only did you have no idea what he was talking about you found it odd how normal he was acting.

'What thing?' You asked.

'The thing with Robbo's wife and the other lot. She mentioned she couldn't get through to you so I told her you were coming anyway.' He revealed, which really annoyed you as the two of you were aware you wanted to stay in today and relax.

'Well it’s fine I'll just tell her I can't make it.' You replied, taking your phone out to send the text.

'Why? I said you were going so just go.' He shrugged, switching your phone off for you.

'And you know I like to stay home in the mornings, why are you making plans for me?' You argued, lightly.

'Thought it'd be nice for you get outside and keep yourself busy, maybe you'd stop caring so much about where I go?' He rudely said, leaving you shocked.

'I had something to keep me busy but someone told me to quit it.' You slammed, taking your phone out of his reach to walk away.

'I'm not arguing with you right now, will be back in a bit.' He said, monotone as he picked up his keys and left - and your hope for a strong conversation over breakfast with him had completely vanished, finding yourself preparing to go for lunch with some of the other Liverpool wags instead.

The lunch went by as they always did; all of the women being obnoxiously fake and kind even though you knew they could care less about one another. You only really got along with Robbo’s wife, Rachel as your partners are so close.

'How are you?' She asked, knowing you'd give a proper response this time as you were incredibly wine drunk and the rest of the girls had already left, leaving just you two behind.

You simply chuckled in response, not aware it was that obvious how down you were recently. The two of you were close, but not close enough for you to be updating her about your relationship frequently, especially as it was so rocky recently and her relationship seemed to be picture perfect.

'Well I'm alive aren't I?' You joked, causing her to flash you a pitiful smile.

'I'm worried about you Y/n, you've not come down to a game in ages either, everything okay?' She asked you, placing a hand on your shoulder to comfort you.

'No everything is not okay.' You told her, watching as her eyes widened, wondering what you could say next.

'He's so distant, all we do is argue.'

'I keep telling myself it's just a phase but it's been months, what else can I do?' You quietly wept, as she put her arms around you to shield you from the public setting you were in.

'Every couple has their issues, you need to talk to each other.' She suggested.

'He doesn't even let me come to his games, says there's no point as there's nothing to look forward to anyway.'

'I feel like he has someone else Rach. You'd tell me if you knew right?' You added, your paranoia getting the better of you right now.

'Of course I would, and from what I know there’s not. So dont assume the worst hun.' She consoled, staying with you a little longer before you both decided to call it a day and she dropped you home.

------

As soon as you got in you realised what you had confided in her about, and unfortunately telling someone else about it only reminded you of the reality of your problems even more, solidifying your worries meaning you definitely couldn’t ignore them now.

You decided to nap for a few hours before being faced with him, only waking up a little while later to hear the TV on full volume.

'You back?' Called Trent, from the living room as you shouted back a simple 'yes', before joining him.

He lay spread on the sofa, head on the pillows as he paid extra attention to the documentary on TV. You were sure he didn't put this on himself, but being the lazy guy he was, he most definitely couldn't be bothered reaching the remote to switch the channel.

'You tired?' You asked him, as he nodded in response, beckoning you on over to him.

You gently played with his hair, lightly tracing circles throughout his scalp as he shut his eyes in relaxation - one of your favourite things to do was to play with his hair, not only because it was fun for you but because you loved helping him relax.

'Your hands are like magic I swear.' He laughed, making you smile too.

You hated yourself for what you were about to do, you knew you were about to ruin the moment, you knew it'd most likely result in him getting annoyed and another disagreement, but you hadn't even able to stop thinking about what he'd said.

'Trent.' You called, as he hummed.

'That thing you were saying the other day, about how you're sorry-.' You started, but as soon as he heard those words he rushed to get our of your lap, sighing heavily to show his disapproval.

'You just can't have one peaceful night can you?'

'I wanna know what you're sorry for, what did you do?' You pestered, ignoring him.

'Forget it Y/n, I don't even know why we're still on this.' He huffed, collecting his phone to leave the room, abandoning the conversation, but you just followed behind him.

'Don't just walk away from me, we need to work this out.' You advised, storming up the stairs with him, just about missing an accidental flying door to your face as you entered your shared bedroom with him, holding the door open with your hand.

'Work what out? We're fine.' He lied, annoyance visible on your face.

'We're fine? Was any of last night fine to you?' You asked, as he went silent.

'I wanna go to therapy together Trent.' You revealed, observing his change in expression which clearly showed he was not up for it.

'Are you joking? No.' He answered, shutting you down completely.

'What else do we have to lose? Why won't you tell me what you actually did?' You repeated, and you both knew you wouldn't back down without an answer.

'You're delusional Y/n.'

'Tell me what you did.' You said again, followed by more silence as the only thing you could hear was his patronising laugh.

'Trent answer me!' You shouted, annoyingly loud this time as you were sick of how he just kept brushing you to the side time and time again.

‘Don’t do this to yourself.’ He advised, suddenly looking guilty.

‘Do what? What have you done.’

‘Y/n-.’

‘What is it Trent?’ You repeated, cutting him off as he lost all patience now.

'I fucked another girl.'

You had received your confirmation; you knew it was coming, you didn't even need proof and it was the easiest explanation for him to be acting the way he was acting. But to hear the man you love say a sentence you'd never want to hear him say made you feel sick to your stomach.

You were nauseous at the thought of him going near another girl let alone sleep with her. The worst part? That he fucked you after like everything was normal too, he'd done a lot but he'd really disrespected you and broke your heart this time. You had no idea what to do, staring at him silently as your dripping eyes did all the talking for you..

‘W-what?’ You rhetorically asked, knowing you didn’t want him to repeat himself.

‘Don’t cry baby please.’ He begged, rushing to wipe your tears and hold you in an embrace.

You didn’t even budge, allowing him to hold you as you held him back, crying into his shoulder whilst he repeatedly apologised, but you couldn’t even hear him as his words just repeated in your head.

What does he mean he fucked another girl?

Storming out of his hold you ran to the connected bathroom, holding your hair back as you emptied the contents of your lunch from earlier into the toilet bowl, completely disgusted from what you’d heard.

He ran after you, rubbing your back as he held your hair in consolation.

‘Don’t fucking touch me.’ You panted, wiping your mouth as you sat upright, before brushing your teeth whilst he apologised even more from beside you.

‘Get out.’ You demanded, shutting him up finally.

‘Y/n Please.’ He begged, only enraging you more.

‘Get out Trent I can’t stand to see your face.’ You cried, pushing him.

‘Y/n calm down.’ He whispered.

‘Get the fuck out!’ You shouted, slapping your hands across his chest once again as he defeatedly let you.

‘This is my fucking house Y/n.’ He said, catching you off guard.

‘Who pays the bills? Me.’ He repeated, only rubbing it into your face, and suddenly you regret not begging to contribute to house - you offered to when you first bought it, but he insisted to pay for it by himself, not even letting you add to the bills.

‘You can either talk about it with me or get out yourself. It’s my house.’ He clarified, staring you down coldly as you couldn’t even say anything back, dumbfounded as you didn’t recognise this man in front of you right now, the man that would normally never speak to you like this or rub something like this in your face.

------

Chapter 2

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

Careless Words

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen x nameless female character (third person perspective) Warnings: Angst. Toxic/abusive relationship dynamics. Mentions of death. Allusions to smut. Word count: tbc

Summary: She has always given her best to Aemond, but they both know he can't say the same. Based on this request. Author's note: I wanted to explore the darker side of Aemond's personality and how this might manifest itself in a relationship where neither party is particularly healthy in terms of their mindset. This was a cathartic piece for me to write. Lately I've been working through some resurfaced feelings linked to a past relationship that was based entirely around trauma bonding. It may be a triggering read for some, so please approach with caution (and try to remember the story itself is a work of fiction).

Full story coming soon. Snippet below the cut.

She knows she is fighting a losing battle before she even opens her mouth to speak, yet she cannot help herself. She is a moth and Aemond is her flame, ever bright and eternal, the very center around which her entire world revolves. Nothing has ever seemed so final though, what pieces will there be to pick up and place back together once he is someone else’s husband?

Standing before him, she juts out her chin defiantly, willing herself not to cry in spite of the lump in her throat and the insistent stinging around the rims of her eyes. “You’re really going to go through with this?”

He sets his jaw, sighing, a visible dismissal of her feelings that makes her ache and wish she had the courage to simply walk away from him. “Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to.”

“What will become of me, of us?” She asks, her voice raising an octave, threatening to crack.

“That is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. My brother’s succession takes precedence over everything. Marrying one of Lord Baratheon’s daughters helps strengthen his claim to the throne. Listening to your heedless fretting does not.”

She feels heat rise to her cheeks, swallowing back her anguish, attempting to sound fiercer than she feels. “Perhaps I shall decide to marry too then.”

Aemond’s scoff is so subtle it’s almost imperceptible. “Who would marry you? Your virtue is mine, always has been. You’re fortunate I still desire you.”

His tone of voice is so practical, only the slightest hint of irritation giving it an edge. He may as well be addressing a chambermaid who has not made his bed to his liking. She longs to grab him, shake him, beg him to give her any sort of indication that this is hurting him as much as it’s hurting her, because to think that he’d let her go so easily, after all these years, is more than she can stand.

Instead she says nothing, simply watches as he turns to leave, counting down the moments until he returns to her, his words sweet once more and eager to heal the rift between them, just like he always does. She craves the storm and the calm in equal measure, but they are always on Aemond’s terms, never hers.

[versadies]

CHAPTER NINE || IVY

SYPNOSIS (of chapter). in which secrets are now out of the light as the other side of one's story is now told.

SYPNOSIS (of series). breaking up with your first love was heartbreaking, but not as heartbreaking as getting invited to his wedding after years of not seeing him. that is, until things seem to be easier when you encounter a certain guest, who could end up being more than just a blooming friend to you.

CHARACTERS. kamisato ayato, diluc ragnvindr (w/ gn!reader)

CONTENT. angst/no-fluff, arranged marriage, minor character deaths, mentions of murder, mentions of corruption, mentions of car accident, lots of sadness but its from ayato so enjoy seeing him suffer <3

PENPALS. @scaraslover @saving-for-xiao @dawgimsohot @kazu-topia @chiruru @aqualesha @renamichii @mrkamisato @shenhesl0ver @serami00 @serenareiss @hiqhkey @emperatris-rinaka @bystander36 @irisxiel @ladycoleigh @034ven @dear-dairiess @owozi8 @hadesaedes @chiro-chiro-kun @hersscherofyatta @mariusvonhangme @yuzuricebun @hoshikistarlette @solaaresque @crowbird @lordbugs @flowersforayato @headintheclouddd @estelwrld @giyusimpsassemble @irethepotatosblog @moonlightaangel @alice0blog @shotosbrainrot @sniffoat @chihawari @mxsomn @kuni-kuzushii @jiminscarmex @mitsukii14 @nejibot @ylimeprive @sachispet @loreleis-world @sn-owo @starforecasts @someonetookmynamelmao @ceylestia @koshiisu @ymikkos @reallysporadicarcade @elychee @rion-s @denkineptune @franini @sophisticatedleslie @thedivinepriestress @smashsubs @httpmitsuya @bl6o6dy @cottonkendi (come visit this post / send an ask if you’d like to be tagged !)

WORD COUNT. 9.3k words

LINKS. EVERMORE MASTERLIST \ MAIN MASTERLIST \ EVERMORE SURVEY (come visit if you'd like to ask questions that i'll answer by the time this series ends !)

POST-SCRIPT. at last we’ve reached the last chapter before the wedding chapter as well as the last chapter of you and ayato !! chapter 10 will be a sweet beginning that’ll now revolve around you and diluc until the end of this series ! this was honestly a tough chapter to write but enjoy ig 😭😭😭

make sure to read the full thing before looking at reblogs and replies to prevent yourself from getting spoiled !!

PREVIOUS || NEXT

4 YEARS AGO, SPRING.

One of the things Ayato loves about you is how there’s no one he can imagine spending the rest of his life with but you. 

You’re not only his lover, but his person. Someone who can understand him, tolerate him, comfort him, love him, see him for who he is without intentions of taking advantage of his family’s name and business. 

Despite the differences you both have, you two managed to make things work together as a couple. Despite the fights you both have, you two managed to fix it under communication and clearing up everything. Despite everything, the both of you are still here together. 

Because of you, Ayato understands why people love movies so much. Because of you, Ayato understands why people love playing games with friends rather than studying all day and preparing for the future. Because of you, Ayato understands why people love. 

Because of you, Ayato understands himself more than before. 

So who could blame him for wanting to spend his future with someone who made him happier than anyone can?

Sure, you may be like everyone else, but there’s no one else who could make him feel so in love but you. 

Just seeing you sleeping beside him on days when he’d sleep over at your dorm makes him want to wake up beside you everyday. Just seeing you laughing and smiling at his words while walking with him to the university or to the dormitory makes him want to go wherever you go. Just seeing you being embarrassed whenever you can’t find the answer to a homework makes him want to go through all your obstacles in life with you. 

Just seeing you looking at him the way he looks at you makes him want to love you again and again. 

Just seeing you, he couldn’t imagine his life to turn out like this.

One of the things that Ayato feels burdened with about the Yashiro Company is its past.

It’s long forgotten for how long ago it was, but it will remain haunting to those who are aware of it and will never be at peace with the information they’re burdened with. 

Those include his great-grandfather, grandfather, father, perhaps the current CEOs of the two other businesses that are a part of the tri-business, and unfortunately Ayato himself.

He was shocked when his father told him back then that the Yashiro Company was involved with the fall of the Kaedehara Company, a well-known company in the past that was respected by everyone until an incident occurred. 

The Shogun Company, now called Tenryou Company, is the biggest business known in Inazuma back then, so when they accused the Kaedehara Company for fraud, everything went down for the Kaedehara family.

The CEO of the Tenryou Company caught Kaedehara Yoshinori, the CEO of Kaedehara Company back then, tampering with important documents red-handed, and despite the protests and excuses, Yoshinori was faced with the court trial and the dire consequences.

Not only did the Kaedehara Company face bankruptcy, they also faced backlash by the media for doing such a thing, leading Yoshinori and the Kaedehara family to go into hiding for good until they’ve been long forgotten many years later. 

However, there was one thing everyone didn’t know about.

There were two more businesses that were involved in the incident. One is the Hiiragi Company – who was actually the one behind the fraud but managed to frame Yoshinori for it – and the Yashiro Company – who was the reason why Yoshinori was involved with the scene in the first place. 

Ayato’s great grandfather didn’t mean to let this happen. All he wanted was for Yoshinori to obtain the tampered documents while he was distracting the CEO of Shogun Company, only for the CEO to catch Yoshinori at a bad time and ruin the Kaedehara business for good. 

As much as Ayato felt saddened from the tragedy of the Kaedehara family, he couldn’t help but resent it so much. After all–

It was the main reason why he ended up marrying the person he doesn’t love.

Ayato found out one night, he went back home from your dormitory to see Hiiragi’s current CEO, Hiiragi Shinsuke, having a quiet conversation with his parents as they failed to notice Ayato hiding nearby listening to it. 

In all honesty, Ayato never liked the Hiiragi Company’s CEO. There was always something about him that made the young man feel… uneasy. 

At this moment, the uneasiness grew ten times more. 

“...Mr. Hiiragi, what’s the meaning of this?” Ayato’s father asks, a frown is evident on his face. 

The man across the table smiles in response, as if he didn’t ask the most absurd thing. 

“I’m offering you a chance, Mr. Kamisato.” Shinsuke Hiiragi explains. “You can let your son marry my daughter and I’ll destroy all evidences regarding your… grandfather being involved with the infamous Kaedehara incident as well as the evidence that your father’s involved with the car accident that the heir of one of Tenryou Company’s branches, Kujou Kamaji, died in.” 

Ayato’s eyes widen, his breath hitches. 

“But… Mr. Hiiragi,” Ayato’s father hesitates for a moment, “I would have agreed on this arrangement had it not been the fact that my son is with another. I simply cannot accept that I have to force my son to leave the person he loves–!”

“If you refuse my offer, then I have no choice but to release all the evidence, Mr. Kamisato.” Shinsuke interrupts in a taunting manner. “Would you rather see your ancestors’ entire work into ruins and let your family face backlash from the media, or would you rather let your company continue its successful years without any worries and burdens?” 

The young man watches as his parents look at each other in deep thought. It’s obvious they didn’t want to sacrifice their son, but neither did they want to face cruel consequences that their children will face. 

However, it’s also obvious which option is the best. 

Which is why Ayato walks away from the dining area without listening to another word from the three, his heart heavy and aching on the thought of what happens next. 

He couldn’t sleep that night. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about every single possible way he could do to prevent this, and all of them led to one thing. 

Even if Ayato did find a way to reject Shinsuke without the dire consequences, what if the cruel CEO decided to hurt you to make him say yes to the marriage?

Ayato couldn’t let that happen. 

If breaking up with you and marrying someone he doesn’t love is the only way to protect both you and his family from harm, then so be it. 

Knowing you, you’d definitely try to find a way to do something about Shinsuke, and Ayato certainly cannot let you do it – not when Shinsuke is perhaps one of the most dangerous person who won’t hesitate to kill you.

There's no doubt that the Hiiragi family was also the one behind the death of Kujou Kamaji. 

If there’s one thing that’s strange about the car accident, it was the fact that the cause of it was Kamaji being seen falling unconscious while driving before hitting another car and causing an explosion, leading the Tenryou Company and the police to investigate what made the passing heir to do such a thing, only to find nothing that could help them.

It’s obvious that Shinsuke would be the first person who’d be out for Kamaji’s head given that he’s the one marrying his daughter, something the CEO disapproves due to how Shinsuke isn’t fond of the Kujou family. 

However, what most people didn’t know about the infamous accident was how Ayato’s grandfather is the last person Kamaji talked to before his death. 

His grandfather was seen by the CCTVs of the Yashiro building talking to Kamaji and led the younger man to run away to his car before the accident occurred, leading the old man to delete the CCTV tapes in fear of people thinking that he was possibly behind the accident. This soon became one of the Kamisato family’s biggest secrets as it was a risk to the business’s reputation. 

Knowing this fact, Shinsuke probably got his hands on the tapes and will use it as one of the pieces of evidence that the Kamisato family was involved with the death of Kamaji despite it being far from the truth. 

It didn’t matter to Shinsuke it seems, not when the CEO can forge all of the evidence with the help of whoever has the Hiiragi’s family’s back and make it look as if the Kamisato family was behind all of it.

Knowing this, the heir knows Shinsuke won’t hesitate to go after you if he could get away from the two incidents. 

Ayato’s heart felt heavy from the thought of what he’s going to do. 

Just thinking about not being able to wake up beside you everyday makes him feel hopeless. Just thinking about not being able to be there for you when you cry or be upset over something makes him feel as if he’s separated from you by a wall made of bedrocks. Just thinking about you looking at him as if he’s the worst person to live on Earth makes him feel suffocated. 

Just thinking about not being with you is enough for him to feel like he’s nothing. 

The only way to keep you safe is by making you avoid him, so he has no choice but to… but to…

“No, I can’t hesitate right now.” He whispered to himself, putting his hands on the sides of his head in frustration. I have to do this for my family… For Ayaka. He thought to himself, closing his eyes shut with a shaky sigh.

Even if he has to make himself become someone you despise with all your heart, even if he has to force himself to lose the future he dreamt of that has you, even when his body feels like it's on fire as his heart weighs as much as the burdens on his shoulders at the thought of not being able to be the person you’ll spend with for the rest of your lives, even when he doesn’t to go back to his bland life before he met you, he knows he has no choice. 

As the future heir of the Yashiro Company, he must choose the best choice for everyone. 

By the end of the night, Ayato had made up his mind.

In order to make the breakup look sincere to you, he must avoid you for weeks. 

He remembers watching romance movies to learn and understand how he can possibly win your heart, but he also learned how he can possibly break your heart. 

Now that he thinks about it, this can be a practice for the both of you to live without the other.

He goes back to riding his family’s car towards the university instead of walking with you there, trying to focus on anything that won’t make him regret and run off to where you are (he doesn’t notice the way Ayaka looks at him in concern at the sight of her brother clenching his hands as if he’s holding himself back from something).

He goes back to being holed up in his bedroom studying instead of running off to Komore Cafe to study with you, trying to be busy to stop himself from thinking about you and wonder how you are (he doesn’t notice how his desperate attempts never work. Not until he finds himself staring at the wallpaper of his phone that has you in it). 

He goes back to spending time with the Student Council for the rest of the day instead of spending time with you in the university, trying to distance himself from you in order to get used to what the rest of his life will be (he doesn’t notice how Student Council officers, particularly the president and the vice president, wonder what made him look as if he’s been through hell with those now dull eyes of his). 

He goes back to being his old self before he met you.

All of this with an excuse of simply “forgetting” about your plans and being too busy to be able to be with you (when he’s always ready to drop everything for you).

The amount of time he had isn’t enough to prepare him for this moment.

By the time he deems it’s time to tell you, you both agreed to meet up with each other in the cafe after not seeing you for the past weeks. It felt like he hadn't seen you for years if he had to be honest. 

His mind instantly went numb when he entered the doors of the cafe that his best friend owns, his heart weighing him down from what’s about to happen. 

“Ayato! You came!” You spoke up excitedly when you spotted your lover, standing up from your seat and rushing towards him for a hug.

He finds himself spreading his arms wide, knowing that this will be the last time he’ll ever hug you like this. 

He closes his eyes shut the moment he feels your arms wrapped around him, shoulders relaxed from your familiar scent and warmth that you have whenever you hug him, clinging into you closer to him as he cherishes the hug. 

Ayato had to stop himself from hugging you again the moment you let go of him. 

“Come, I already asked Thoma to order the usual. I need your help with a certain topic that I think you might know about.” You explained, holding your lover’s hand as you drag him towards the table you always go to. 

He’ll just indulge himself first before letting go. 

Just once, and he’ll do it. 

…

He can’t do it.

Why can’t he say it? 

Ayato was silent the whole time for the past hour, something he thinks you don’t notice since you’re too distracted by your homework that he helped you with. He couldn’t find the words to end the relationship he loved and devoted himself to for the past years, not when he feels so content from just being here with you. 

It was only until you’re almost done answering your last homework when he finally spoke up.

“I cannot do this anymore, ( Name ).” He said suddenly, looking up at you from his drink after staring for a concerning amount of time. “Let’s… break up.” 

This is it.

He sees the way you stopped moving your pen from his words, and it felt as though the world had gone quiet from how silent the both of you are. 

“...You’re kidding… right?” You asked, looking up from your homework to look at your boyfriend with wide eyes. “Surely.. You’re just doing this to make me pay attention to you, right?” You let out a light chuckle, hoping to the gods above that your assumption is correct. 

He couldn’t say it. Not when his mind is flooded with dread, heartache, and misery.

Regardless, it was enough for you to stop chuckling, your nervous smile slowly disappearing from your face. “...You’re not kidding?” 

Ayato nodded with an apologetic look on his face, trying to hold himself back from taking everything back and lying that all of this is a prank. “You know me well lo– ( Name ). I apologize for the sudden… proposal.” 

No. This isn’t a proposal. This is him breaking off the one thing that made him feel complete and he can’t do anything to stop himself for the sake of his family. You drop your pen slowly. “What… Wait, I don’t understand. What went wrong?” 

He lets out a shaky breath, something you mistaken as a soft sigh, and he stares back at your upset eyes. “Nothing went wrong ( Name ). It’s not you.”

It’s me. I’m the one who’s wrong. I need to do this to keep you and everyone safe. He thought to himself.

“Then what is it?” You asked in a hurt tone. 

The man pauses for a moment. The next thing he’ll say will forever be engraved in his mind, knowing that it’s the biggest lie he had ever told in his entire life. 

He inhales deeply and responds to your question. “Unfortunately I’ve… fallen out of love with you.” 

Ayato feels as if his heart went on a flatline from those words, he couldn’t breathe properly as he has the urge to curl up in misery that he had to lose you this way. He just needs to get away from you for good, tell his parents that he has broken up with you, and pray that Shinsuke won’t go after you. 

He had never expected for this to end either.

“How long, Ayato–”

“I truly apologize, ( Name ).” Ayato said as he started to pack his items on the table, trying to look as unfazed as possible. “I.. I know this might be too cruel of me to say this but.. I’d like you to stop hanging out with me anymore.” He adds. 

You stayed silent, something that made him want to kneel down in front of you and reassure you that everything will turn out okay for you in the end, knowing fully well that this will be a rough time for you and him.

He can’t answer your question. Not when all of this isn’t even true in the first place.

“It was nice knowing you, ( Name ).” 

He hopes that this will be the last time he’ll see you, for he isn’t sure if he’ll be able to hold himself back from being in your arms the next time you and him meet again.

As he continues to walk away from the cafe, he sends a text to his driver that he’s ready to go, not noticing how you’re walking towards him until he hears you.

“Ayato, please! Just tell me what went wrong!” You exclaimed loudly as you followed your now ex boyfriend down the streets, ignoring how some people passing by looked at your direction strangely. 

“Don’t bother following me, ( Name ).” Ayato spoke, glancing at your direction with a warning look on his face as he continued to walk. For the sake of you, please don’t come after me. He thought.

He stops his tracks when you feel him tugging his clothes, not wanting to drag you and accidentally hurt you from walking with you holding onto him. 

“Please Ayato, I deserve to know what made you no longer love me!” You begged in a desperate tone.

He sighs in defeat, his shoulders slumps. 

Ayato turns around in your direction, a dull look plastered on his face. “Is it really necessary to have a reason why? I suddenly just don’t. Don’t make this harder for yourself than it is for me.” He lied. He still loves you, there’s nothing that will make him feel otherwise.

“Of course it’s necessary! You can’t just not love me anymore–”

“And yet here we are.” 

Words die instantly in your throat and you stare at him in bewilderment, your hand still holds onto his clothing. He wants to punch himself for making you hurt. 

“...Do you really not love me anymore?” 

He stares at your eyes, thinking of what to say before letting out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding. 

“Would you believe me if I said yes?” 

Your breath hitches. 

Your long silence was enough for Ayato to completely turn around and continue walking towards the bus stop, leaving you standing there dumbfounded and in disbelief. If only you knew how much he wanted to run to you and make it up to you, how desperate he is to find a way to not let the situation end like this, 

He couldn’t. 

For someone who doesn’t regret his choices, this is perhaps Ayato’s first time regretting a decision. 

What can he do about it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

.

.

.

By the time he comes home, he looks at his parents with a sad smile on his face.

“Mother, father,” He called them, slowly dropping his bag from his shoulder. “I have.. News for you.” 

From the way he looks, his parents immediately became concerned for what he has to say. “...What is it, Ayato?” His father asks. The three didn’t notice how a certain person was somewhere nearby listening to the conversation in curiosity and confusion.

“I know about… Mr. Hiiragi’s offer and the consequences. So I decided to break up with ( Name ).” Ayato explains, unfazed by the sounds of his mother letting out a shocked gasp as his father stares at him in disbelief.

“Ayato you what…?” 

“It’s alright. I know this is for the best of our family.” Ayato reassures them, walking towards the hallway nearby. “You may call Mr. Hiiragi about the news and I’ll listen to what he has in mind about the arranged marriage. I’ll be in my room for the rest of the day, I don’t think I have the appetite to ea–”

Suddenly, he felt warm arms wrapped around him.

“Ayato…” Ayato realizes his mother is the one who’s hugging him in such a vulnerable matter. “I’m so sorry you had to go through this.. I wish there’s a way for you to not push ( Name ) away, you deserve to be with them so much and I can’t believe you had to do this for us–!” 

“Mother, please.. Don’t cry..” The heir spoke softly, trying not to show his devastation. “I’ll be fine. ( Name ) will be fine too.” 

“We.. have to make up a lie that we disapprove of ( Name ) due to the fact that they’re not like us.” Ayato’s father spoke. “It will give those who know about it all the more believable reasons why you’ve broken up with them.” 

Hearing that made Ayato’s heart sink even further. “...I understand.” 

It took a long while before Ayato is finally allowed to go to his room after a long conversation between him and his parents, who both never fail to remind him that they’re sorry for him to experience this. 

As soon as he closed the door shut behind him, Ayato finally broke his facade. The rest of the day was filled with him being devastated at losing the only person he loves, his heart aching nonstop from the heartbreak he endured after breaking things off with you. 

“I’m sorry ( Name ), I’m so sorry my love.” He whispered, not noticing how his bedroom door was opened slightly by a certain person he holds dear, whose heart breaks at the sight of her dear brother being miserable for the first time all because of a sacrifice.

That day was the day Ayato died, all that was left was what remained: the heir of Yashiro Company.

And the day after his death was just as painful as yesterday. 

Even when he broke your heart and left, you still come up to him to try and ask him why on Earth he broke up with you, only for him to push you away and avoid you despite wanting nothing more than to tell you. It hurts to try and get used to ignoring you instead of letting you come to his arms every time you come up to him. 

It’s for the best. He’d rather tell you years later than tell you when you’re in potential danger now. 

It’s ironic how he’s experiencing miscommunication when it’s his least favorite thing in romance movies. 

By the time you stopped, he could only hope that you understood that some things can’t be out in the open. 

Until he finds out that you’re now avoiding everyone.

It’s a habit of his to check a certain street that his car passes by to see you, so when he couldn’t see a sight of you for the next few days, he was confused (and worried). Not to mention how whenever he spots your friend group, you were never there with them at all. 

When he discovered that you’ve stopped hanging out with your friends for “projects” from Thoma, he felt even more worried. 

Why are you going through your heartbreak alone? 

Ayato couldn’t sleep well after finding that out – scratch that, he wasn’t able to sleep well at all ever since he found out about the damn arranged marriage. All he could think about is your well-being and whatever on Earth you’re doing. 

He wonders how you’re going through your heartbreak, if you’re not beating yourself up thinking that it’s your fault he left, if you’re blaming yourself for the breakup, and so many more thoughts that just breaks his heart further.

It frustrated him to no end that he can’t do anything about it, not when he has to avoid you in the first place. The only thing he could do at this moment is to just hope you’re not pushing yourself too far.

Sometimes, his mind trails off to what could’ve been if you and him weren’t together. 

If he hadn’t fallen in love with you, then you would’ve been happier without any worries besides your assignments instead of suffering from his mistake alone. If he hadn’t fallen in love with you, his life would’ve still been as bland and busy as ever and accept the arranged marriage without regrets. If he hadn’t fallen in love with you, then he wouldn’t have experienced what it’s like to love and to be the so-called mischievous and playful Ayato that you grew to love. 

He knew he didn’t deserve someone like you, who’s better off with someone who doesn’t have a secretive family past, someone who doesn’t have the chance of getting forced to an arranged marriage, someone who would never break your heart even if the circumstances are dire.

You’re better off with someone like Thoma. 

Ayato doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s quite envious of his best friend. Not only does Thoma know you since you were kids, but he has always been one of the first people you’d go to for advice and comfort should Ayato be unavailable to do that for you. Unlike him, Thoma’s never as busy as he is and, if he dare say, knows your interests more than Ayato does. 

Unlike him, Thoma would never give up on your relationship. 

Which is why if there’s a possibility that you’ll move on and fall in love with someone else, then he wouldn’t mind if the person is Thoma, who would surely treat you well. 

“Kamisato.” One of Ayato’s security guards knocks at his bedroom door, causing the man to wake up from his thoughts. 

Ah right, he has things to tend to.

“You may come in.” Ayato spoke up, turning around to see the door opening. “I’d like you to do a favor for me while I’m off tending to my studies.” 

“What would you like me to do, sir?” 

“You’re aware of the dormitory of my university, yes?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Then… Could you visit there and pick my items in my… friend’s dorm, perhaps?” 

Before the security guard could reply, someone else suddenly knocks on the door, causing Ayato to look at his door in confusion. 

“Brother,” Ayaka’s voice is heard from the other side of the door, “may I come in?” 

His shoulders relaxed knowing that it’s simply his dear sibling. “You may, what brings you here?” 

Ayaka shyly opens the door, smiling apologetically. “I uh… I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation and… I’d like to pick your items from your friend’s dorm if that’s alright.”

His eyes widened in surprise. “Are… Are you sure, Ayaka? What made you want to come visit the dormitory?” 

“I’m actually planning on visiting there for my friend, Yoimiya. I wouldn’t mind picking the items up for you while I’m at it.” She explains. “Is it alright, brother?”

Ayato thinks about it for a while. Is it really a good choice to let Ayaka come visit your dorm? 

As though the younger woman could read his mind, she instantly adds, “If I may be blunt.. I think ( Name ) wouldn’t mind seeing a familiar face by their door. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind seeing me.”

“How did you know it’s ( Name ) you’re going to?” 

“...Their dorm is the only dorm you visit, is it not..?” 

“...” 

Ayato couldn’t help but smile. “Alright, fine, I see no harm in letting you visit ( Name ) for my items. Thank you for offering, Ayaka.”

The woman nods in acknowledgement with a smile before she looks at the security guard and gestures to him to be dismissed, who didn’t hesitate to leave the room seeing how he’s no longer needed. 

“I shall leave as well, thank you for letting me do this, brother.” 

.

.

.

By the time Ayaka comes home, it’s already dinner, and Ayato instantly notices the relieved look on Ayaka’s face.

He couldn’t help but be curious if something good had happened between his sister and ex lover. 

“...How are they…?” Ayato asks.

The woman stays silent for a moment, looking down at the box that contains Ayato’s items and gifts he gifted for you in deep thought. 

She then smiles gently. “They’re better than before to be honest.” 

Those words were enough to make him feel relaxed. 

“That’s good.. Let me pick that up for you, I’ll take it to my room while you go to the dining room and eat.” 

Ayaka nods in response, lending her sibling the box. “I will wait for you there then.”

As Ayato starts walking towards his room, he looks down at the box to see the items that were once in your dormitory that he loves to visit. 

Ah, so many memories. It’s as if the man is going down the memory lane.

He could recall every single joyful moments the items – especially the gifts he gotten for you – brought, like the time when he won a game booth during a school event and got you the prize you wanted, the time when you both made bracelets to match one another, the time when he made an exceptional origami that he gifted to you, the time when you both celebrated your one-year relationship anniversary in Komore’s Cafe, and surprisingly, the time when you both confessed your feelings to one another. 

Unfortunately, just like how he deals with the memories he has with you, he has no idea what to do with his items. He couldn’t throw it all away, nor can he just simply ignore it. 

Perhaps.. It wouldn’t hurt to display these in his room, where he’s the only one who would stare at it as he remembers the value it holds in his closed heart alone until the day comes when time finally follows his memories and precious things. 

Just thinking about the memories made Ayato realize that even when he has a future spouse to marry, he will never be able to experience the things in a way he did with you, and will never feel whole again.

It didn’t take long before Ayato eventually met his future spouse. 

Shinsuke was more than ecstatic when he heard news that Ayato’s now single and accepted his offer of the arranged marriage, causing the CEO to instantly come to visit the Kamisato Estate a few days later to discuss certain things about his daughter, Hiiragi Chisato. 

The first thing Ayato needs to do is to win his daughter’s heart, then when Chisato wishes so, the CEO will start the wedding arrangements immediately, all the while Ayato wonders what the woman he’s going to marry is like. 

Ayato imagined Chisato to be some cruel and vicious woman who probably saw him in those parties and suggested the marriage to her father, and he felt even more miserable from just thinking about the fact that he’d possibly marry a terrible person and have Shinsuke, a potential murderer and a cruel man overall, as his father-in-law. 

But his thoughts instantly changed when he saw her by the balcony. 

Shinsuke emphasized the fact that Ayato must attend the upcoming party that both Hiiragi family and Kamisato family would be attending, wanting the man to come up to his daughter and get to know one another, so the blue-haired man had no choice but to attend the party despite being someone who prefers to not be in public’s eye. 

Hiiragi Chisato was a lonely soul, if he had to put it. She didn’t look like someone who’d plan evil doings nor someone who’d be the daughter of some cruel man. She just looks like a woman who longs for something in her life. 

He knows not to judge a book by its cover, but sometimes, a cover has to be interesting enough to make a person be curious and look at what's inside. 

So he finds himself heading over to her, already knowing what to say in his head.

“And what brings such a lovely lady such as you being so lonely for an exquisite party, if I may ask?” Ayato spoke smoothly, watching as the woman looked at him in surprise.

Chisato couldn’t bring herself to look him in the eyes, her words stumbling. “I-I uhm.. I just feel a bit overwhelmed from so many people attending here. I thought it would be best if I took a breath of fresh air.” She explains, her fingers fidgeting.

A fake small chuckle comes out from his mouth, though his shoulders slightly untenses from how nice the woman seems to be.  “That I can understand. Not to mention how I have to make some small talk with half of the attendees, which bore me a lot.” He comments, leaning against the railway and looks at the view in front of the two lonely souls. “Your name is Hiiragi Chisato, correct?” 

She lets out a small squeak. “You… You know my name?” 

“I know everyone’s names at the party.” He spoke. “My name is Kamisato Ayato, I am delighted to make an acquaintance, Miss Hiiragi.” 

“O-Oh you don’t have to.. Call me that!” She said immediately. “You can just call me Chisato, Mr. Kamisato.” 

Ayato pauses for a moment from her words, taken back from how she’s so casual around him. 

A small smile appears on his face. “If that’s the case, then you may call me Ayato, Chisato.” 

That night, the both of them talked about a few things about themselves, be it what they do in their free time, their favorite food, favorite events that are held every year, and so on and so forth. If it weren’t for the marriage, the blue-haired man would’ve been happy that he made friends with someone who’ll surely be willing to be a good help to the Yashiro business in the future.

Eventually, the two of them started talking about the arranged marriage.

When Ayato brought it up when the opportunity arose, he was surprised to see how the look on Chisato’s face was anything but excitement.

If their genuine conversation earlier wasn’t enough to convince Ayato that she didn’t want this marriage either, then it’s the way she looks right now that does the trick.

“...I’m not sure what to feel about this marriage,” Chisato spoke honestly with an apologetic smile. “I was.. surprised when my father brought up that he’ll set me up with you, especially when I’m still moving on from my lover’s.. death.” 

Ah, so she doesn’t know that he had broken up with his lover.

The man tries to prevent himself from asking Chisato if she could change her father’s mind about the marriage, knowing that it will only be a helpless move given that the woman would have definitely asked from the start. 

“My condolences, may he rest in peace.” Ayato said with a sad frown. “If it makes you feel better, the marriage is a shock for me as well, and I’m not sure how this will go for us.” 

The woman feels relieved from hearing those words. “I’m glad we’re on the same page then.”

It took a minute before Chisato spoke up again. “Even though we don’t have feelings for each other, I’d like to put in some effort in this marriage at least. We will be spending time together for the rest of our lives as soon as we graduate, after all.” 

Ayato feels his heart sink, now remembering that fact. 

“...I understand. I shall try to do the… same.” was the only thing he could muster, knowing that he’s still not ready to even accept this cruel fate of his.

That was the last time he saw the woman, and there’s no guarantee that the Hiiragi won’t be at the next party that the Kamisato family will also be attending. 

What can he do about it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

As days grew by, Ayato felt more restless to the point where he didn't want to go home early and study. All he wants to do is something that could make him forget. Forget about the ridiculous marriage, forget about the heartbreak, and forget about you.

Although he looks like he hasn’t been through hell at all on the outside, the inside is like an ocean during a stormy night. Only time could tell how long it’ll take before he snaps. 

Even when he hasn’t seen you for weeks, you’re still haunting him. Even when he closes his eyes and sleeps, you’re still there in his dreams – the one where he wants to be forever because it’s the only place where he has you in his arms with no worries.

Out of hopes of keeping his thoughts at bay, Ayato volunteers to stay on campus after classes to help with some more Student Council activities. 

Thanks to this, it was the reason why he saw you again. 

He was on his way out of the university an hour after he finished his extended activities when he noticed your familiar figure nearby. Seeing how you didn’t notice him, he decided to try and go to another direction to hide himself away from you, only for you to notice him and be surprised. 

Thankfully, he instantly looked away when your eyes landed on him, causing him to act like he didn’t notice you and went in another direction to go away from you. 

His heart sank when he heard you letting out a sob as soon as he was out of your view. 

Just hearing such a sound would’ve made him run up to you and comfort you to the end of time, but now that he has no right to do such then there’s nothing he can do than to be out of your way and out of your life. 

The next day after the incident, Ayato quickly backed out from his extended stay in the campus for the Student Council much to his comrades’ confusion. 

He decides to go back to being occupied with both of his duties as the heir and studying hard. Although it doesn’t exactly help shoving his thoughts away, it’s better than bothering you. 

Sooner or later, the reminder of his marriage eventually comes. 

It started when Ayato encountered Chisato once more at the university, specifically the place where all the buildings connect to one another, and the man dreaded the thought that people will start being curious about their relationship and spread rumors about it, which could lead to you hearing them all and be even more heartbroken. 

What can he do about it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

When Chisato said she’d put effort in the marriage, Ayato didn’t think she meant she’s going to start now when they haven’t even been officially engaged yet.

Not a week even passed when the young man received letters from the woman. Each note was nothing but wishes that his day would go well, something that made him couldn’t help but scoff. 

His day will never go well when he has just left the only love of his life. 

Just when Ayato thought the letters were the only thing he’ll get from Chisato, the woman had also started to occasionally give him foods that she accidentally cooked too much, something that made his smile even more strained around her. 

There’s no food that could make him feel happier than the ones you make for him. 

Eventually, Chisato squeezed into his dull life no matter how much he didn’t want to.

She became his partner in events that both of their families are invited to, not noticing how much he wanted to tell that he’s not dating her to people who went into conclusion that they’re both dating. 

She then became his new studymate and visits his estate every now and then, not noticing how he prefers to do things alone ever since the breakup. 

She became a part of his friend group, not noticing how his friends are hiding something that she doesn’t know about Ayato. 

Not to mention how she’s also the person he walks with towards the university, not noticing how he sometimes stares at a certain street and locations that reminded him all too well of someone who’s special to him. 

At this point, Chisato truly became a part of Ayato’s life.

What can he do about it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

But, if he had to be honest, he appreciates Chisato’s efforts. He always reassures himself that at least the woman isn’t so cruel than he thought she would be. He feels bad that he couldn’t tell her about you, not when he knows she’ll try to convince her father once again and possibly make Shinsuke believe that Ayato put her up to it—

“Ayato? Are you alright?” His thoughts were instantly cut off by the sound of his best friend’s voice calling him, causing the blue-haired man to wake up from reality and look at Thoma in confusion. 

The blonde-haired man frowns at the sight of his friend spacing out. “Is something… wrong?”

Ayato hesitates for a moment before a stiff smile slowly forms on his face. 

“Everything’s alright. Thank you for your concern, Thoma.”

If anything, Ayato is glad that no one batted an eye at the fact that he and Chisato started hanging out with one another, thinking that they’re both close friends thanks to their families. So that has to mean something, right?

Apparently not. Not when he could feel the intense glares of two certain women who are considered one of your best friends ever since he entered the cafeteria with Chisato.

Now that he thinks about it… How would things turn out when he and Chisato started dating?

He found that one out very quickly. 

It was during another typical visit from Shinsuke when he told Ayato the one thing he dreaded to hear. 

“I heard from my dearest daughter of mine that there will be an upcoming school festival for your university by the end of spring.” Shinsuke said, stirring the cup of tea that one of the servants provided. “It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced one in my school… How long was that?” 

Ayato couldn’t help but have a bad feeling down his stomach. Usually, Shinsuke is a man who goes straight to the point, so seeing him talking about… things that he should be talking with an old friend about, is getting on his nerves. 

“If you’d like to experience it again, the festival is open to everyone outside the school as long as they know a student there.”

Shinsuke smiles. “That’s good, but a CEO like me is too busy to do such indulgence. I’m quite afraid that my dearest daughter will be alone throughout the festival…” 

Ah there it is. 

“If you could, Kamisato Ayato, would you accompany Chisato the whole time and perhaps make it official?” 

Ayato’s strained smile almost falters. 

The silence fell upon the room. All that was heard are hushed footsteps from those who reside in the estate as well as noises from the beautiful yard that’s just outside of the lounge both Ayato and Shinsuke are in. 

It took a few seconds for Ayato to finally speak up. “...I’d be delighted, Mr. Hiiragi.”

“Thank you, Kamisato.” The elder man then stands up. “I shall take my leave knowing that my daughter will be in good hands for such an occasion. I will come back soon to discuss certain matters with you regarding your relationship, specifically how long the both of you will keep your relationship a secret.”

Ayato stands up as well. “Very well, Mr. Hiiragi. Would you like me to accompany you to the exit..?”

Shinsuke shrugs him off with a laugh. “Oh don’t worry about me, thank you for your kind hospitality, Mr. Kamisato.” 

Just after the CEO slides the door open, he stops for a moment. “Or should I call you son-in-law now? I can imagine you and my daughter getting married already, haha!” 

The younger man tries not to clench his fists.

“...I’m fine with any… Mr. Hiiragi.” 

Just to get this over with, Ayato decides to ask Chisato out on the day before the festival in Komore Cafe.

In a way, it’s like he’s reliving the time when he asked you out on a date in Komore Cafe. Though, that didn’t make things better for him – if anything, he feels like this is so… wrong. He doesn’t want to see Chisato as a replacement of you nor does he want to replace the memories he cherished with the ones that have Chisato in it. 

Chisato was, at the very least, delighted and enthusiastic when Ayato asked her out, giving the man a sign that she now has feelings for him much to his dismay. 

What can he do about it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

He could feel Thoma’s eyes on his back, causing him to feel even more guilty that he’s doing it here. 

If only Thoma could understand once he finds out.

DAY 1 - START OF FESTIVAL

.

.

.

DAY 5 - END OF FESTIVAL

The festival was all but a blur. 

The whole time, Chisato was taking Ayato all over the festival, wanting to try a lot of things to which he had to oblige. Although he wasn’t looking forward to this occasion, it didn’t mean Ayato wasn’t enjoying the festival. Fortunately, Chisato is a pleasant company to be with, and he knows he has to make efforts in this marriage as it is fair to the woman who also didn’t want it. 

However… If he had to be honest, the only thing that made the festival a bit better is the fact that he hasn’t seen you for the past week, and he wonders whether or not you’re having fun now that you’re back to spending time with your friends (an information that he found out from Thoma himself).

He finds out that question when he hears a familiar laugh that he hasn’t heard for so long. 

While Chisato was busy talking to one of her friends who found her, Ayato instantly turns around to look for the source of the voice. Just once, he wants to see you again to see if you’re alright than before.

To his relief, you are having fun.

You’re a few steps away from where he is, it’s enough for you to not realize that he’s in the same area as you, laughing along with Ei and Miko, who are enjoying the festival just as you are. 

Ayato smiles genuinely at the sight, relieved that you look better than the last time he saw you.

It’s at that moment when Ayato realizes that even when he’s suffering from Shinsuke taking advantage of him, he knows that you’re somewhere out there safe and now happy, then that’s enough for him to go on with his dull life that he didn’t wish to come back to. 

4 YEARS LATER, SPRING .

As Thoma left Ayato’s office after their agreement about inviting you to the wedding, Ayato couldn’t help but feel nervous. 

Surely if he’s careful enough, then Shinsuke won’t find out about you being his ex and will simply think you’re just an old friend of Ayato’s in college just like his other friends. He just needs to make sure that he’s alone with you when he tells you the truth, but won’t risk telling you about Shinsuke given that you’d probably be anxious for the rest of your life. 

Suddenly he remembers something. 

Ah right… Tomorrow’s the day. 

He supposes it won’t hurt to come visit tomorrow, it’s the least he can do as a member of the Kamisato family. 

.

.

.

After Ayato places the flowers on top of Kamaji’s grave, he starts to pay respect as the Kujou family stands idly by in silence. Although the supposedly heir isn’t considered as a close friend of Ayato’s, Kamaji is still a friend who didn’t deserve such cruel fate. 

It’s truly unfortunate that this day was the day when he lost two of his friends.

As soon as Ayato says his condolences and farewell to the Kujou family, he heads towards two certain graves that’s quite a bit far away from where Kamaji’s is.

Another thing that the public doesn’t know about Kamaji’s car accident was the people who were in the scene.

There were three deaths who were involved from the accident. The first was of course Kamaji, but no one knew who the two other people that died from the accident besides the Kamisato family once again. 

The two innocent people who were hit by Kamaji were associated with the Kamisato family, Tomo and the last member of the Kaedehara family, Kaedehara Kazuha. 

Kazuha was a dear friend of the Kamisato siblings who died too soon. 

They weren’t close as far as Ayato was aware of, but that didn’t mean his death made the heir’s grief go away so easily. Kazuha was kind, and a close friend of Ayaka’s due to how they’re batchmates in their school. 

So when the two Kamisato siblings heard from their father that the two unknown innocent people who died was one of the people they’re friends with, they were distraught. 

He sometimes wonders if Kazuha would’ve been great friends with you. 

MONTHS LATER, AUTUMN.

The day after the joint bachelor party, Ayato received a surprise visit from a familiar guest of his in his hotel suite. 

“...( Name ).” He spoke in disbelief, watching as your face fell at the sight of your ex. 

“...Ka…Kamisato..” You replied. “I apologize, am I.. bothering you and Chisato right now?” 

Ayato blinks a few times before he immediately shakes his head. “No, don’t worry. Unfortunately, Chisato is not here at the moment since she’s currently going out with her friends right now.” 

“Oh…” You spoke softly, looking away from his gaze. You honestly hoped you’d see Chisato, that way you’d get along with her more and become friends. “...I uh.. I just came to visit because I forgot to give you two a wedding gift.” 

Ayato looks down at the box you’re holding and he manages to read the brand. Ah, champagne flutes..?

You then add, “And… I want to talk to you about what you told me before.”

The blue-haired man’s eyes lit up, opening the door wide for you to come in. “Of course, please come in.” 

The both of you stayed silent as you entered their hotel suite, unsure what to say to one another. 

“You can put the gift there on the table and sit down by the sofa. I can fetch us some drinks since I’m sure it must be exhausting for you to come all this way here.” Ayato spoke up, heading towards the kitchen without letting you protest that he didn’t have to do it. 

By the time he comes back, he places a glass of water in front of you before sitting somewhere nearby. He would be lying if he said he’s not nervous about this situation. 

You slowly took a sip of the drink, avoiding eye contact with Ayato. 

It’s only a matter of time before the both of you have to talk about it. 

Ayato decides to be the first one to speak about it. “I… I really do apologize for everything, ( Name ).”

You sighed. “...I know. I think you and I are thinking the same thing, we want to get this settled with, don’t we?” 

“Correct.” He responds. 

You nodded slowly. “I do wish you told me this before when you had the chance. I would’ve understood more as to why you did it and maybe this wouldn’t have been so painful for me.” You put the glass down on the table, still refusing to keep eye contact with him. “However, I suppose you have your own reasons for why you didn’t tell me.” 

Ayato nodded sadly. “I did.”

You took a deep breath, staying silent for a couple of minutes. “I’ve thought about it at night ever since you told me.” You confessed. “I didn’t know what to feel. Should I be mad? Upset? Sad? Distraught? I didn’t even know if I wanted to pity you or not.”  

You then look at where Ayato is. “I still can’t forgive you for what you’ve done to me of course, and.. Honestly almost three days isn’t enough for me to process this whole thing you and I have — and I doubt I’d be able to make up my mind by the end of the trip — so I think it’s best for you and I to go our separate ways for now.”

The blue-haired man nods slowly, smiling sadly. “I understand. I know it’s too much for me to ask if we could be friends again after so long so I’ll respect your wishes.”

You look at him with a grateful look. “Thank you, Kamisato.” 

“Anything for you, ( Last Name ).” 

You then decided to take your leave. “It was nice talking to you. Congratulations on your wedding again.” 

Ayato slowly follows you as you head towards the exit of his suite, wanting to escort you out. “It’s no problem, ( Last Name ). Thank you for the gift as well.” 

“Goodbye, Kamisato.” 

“Goodbye, ( Last Name ).” 

And just like that, the door closes shut behind you as you start to walk away from the room. 

Ayato lets out the breath he didn’t know he was holding as soon as you’re gone, and for the first time, he feels as if a weight on his shoulder has disappeared.

Although he isn't considered your friend, he knows it's enough for him knowing that the both of you have settled the one thing that's eating you both alive.

When he decides to return to the living area and picks up your glass, he couldn’t help but notice the gift-card you wrote on top of the gift you gave him.

“Congrats on your wedding, Mr. Kamisato and Ms. Hiiragi! 

– Sincerely, ( Name ) ( Last Name ) and Diluc Ragnvindr” 

The last two words made Ayato raise an eyebrow in confusion at the sight of another name besides yours. 

Since when did someone like Diluc Ragnvindr himself be allowed to share a gift with someone he doesn’t know well? 

Unless…?

“No.. He doesn’t see them like that.” He mumbled to himself, walking away from the box to wash the glass as he tried to push his thoughts away. 

He could only hope you don’t see Diluc that way either, if you found out about his true self, then only Celestia can tell how you would react. 

DAN’S NOTES !

To simply put, Kazuha was long dead before meeting you. His death as well as him being a part of your life as a mysterious friend whose motive is to push you to move on are honestly one of the plans I’m going for before I begin to write the prologue of evermore. 

The reason why he’s with you and wants to help you is because he knows how much Ayato is so fond of you based on countless times when the blue-haired man talked to Kazuha about you as well as how Kazuha feels like he owes Ayato a lot. So the least he can do is to be there for you when you’re alone. 

Of course, by the time you start to no longer be alone, Kazuha starts to fade away, and he knows that as soon as you come back to your friends once again, he can finally go to the afterlife knowing that you’ll be okay.

—

also a summary of what ayato means by diluc’s true self.

PREVIOUS || NEXT

[blauequuleus]

Okay so I’ve never played any Kingdom Hearts games and I’ve only watched the first 2 hours of a play through of the first game.

I’m gonna list everything I know through just internet osmosis. So tell me how off the mark I am on some of this (If I spell names wrong I’m sorry and be nice please)

Sora, Riku, and Kari(?), have all grown up together and play on this island with no parents in sight or a house or anything but island kids running around (do they have parents and houses to go home to? Or is this just Peter Pan style island of lost kids)

They want to leave the island and go on an adventure together

Kari just kinda showed up one day

Sora has a crush on Kari but has not a lot of interactions with her but is constantly talking about Riku and chasing after him

Kari I’m sorry sweetie as far as I can tell you’re the old trope of “this is girl character who is girl and main love interest that will spend 99% of the plot damsel’d and doing nothing -probably knocked out- and the last 1% she spends reassuring the main male lead in some way and has no personality outside of that” (this could be radically different in the games and she actually has a personality that doesn’t revolve around the main lead Sora needing to rescue her but all of the scenes I’ve seen from the games she’s either just standing there or is knocked out)

Riku and Sora have so mush chemistry people are convinced they are in love (to be fair every thing I’ve seen from the games has them constantly obsessing over each other more so than anyone else. Half their lines seem to be each others names. So yeah big rainbow energy coming off of them)

Also don’t they like combine swords or something into a big weapon… 👀🏳️‍🌈

Isn’t there matching wedding rings for Sora and Rikus swords cause if so that’s cute

Main game plot point is Sora, Goofy and Donald jumping around in a Gummy Ship?? to all the different Disney properties and movies and these are all treated like different worlds (is Star Wars in there now cause that’s a galaxy in and of itself, how does that work????)

Donald was dunked on for years as a terrible healer until he nuked a guy and the internet went insane over it

Micky Mouse is a king

Idk where the fuck Minnie is or Daisy

This is all connected to Final Fantasy games somehow. Cloud and Sephiroth(??) are connected to this (I have not played the Final Fantasy games either so idk what this means. I know it’s the same developers but haven’t they been in the KH games??)

The Halloween Town designs are cool looking

Sora gets a wardrobe change per world (species change for little mermaid?? And maybe others??)

Why his shoes too big lookin for his feet

Heartless are little shadow guys that are made from people having their heart/soul ripped out

There’s basically an apocalypse on every world cause of these heartless little creatures (but only main characters seem to notice them??? Everyone else going about their day which is a mood)

The Pirates of the Caribbean one is hyper realistic but Sora still looks like anime guy which is weird

Maleficent is keeps being a boss bitch but still dies for it

Doors and keys are super important

Sora and Riku have heartless but theirs get people forms but they don’t look like who they come from that shit is reversed for some reason

There’s like 3-4 just for Sora and none of them look like him

Riku got a stalker in some guy named Xnort(???how spell???) who possesses Riku at some point

This Xnort little old ass seems to have a habit of this possession thing and uses time travel?? to just keep possessing people

Eyes turn yellow when he does

He started a war for a specific heart??

Keyblade War (no idea what this is or means I just know it’s a thing)

There’s another trio that timeline wise came before the OG trio from the first game that was in the war

Xnort got the buff guy one, the other guy is in Sora but not?? turned into sparkles and possessed Sora but also didn’t, and the blue haired girl is out here working the hardest but she on a deserted island in the void

Micky also ends up chilling with her there at some point

Woody roasts a guy

How the fuck does the Toy Story world work if there’s people and sentient toys???? Why does Sora become a toy there if he a people

Sora wasn’t supposed to wield the keyblade Riku was but his dumbass got corrupted so Sora got it (?)

Riku got another one

I think everyone has kinda died at some point but they all got better

Sora got trapped in dream world by blonde Kari that drew pictures about it

Blonde Kari isn’t evil she was just chilling with a comatose Sora

Riku went through a lot to get his boyfriend back

There’s an organization that’s connected to Xnort guy that wears black robes

There is another set of Riku, Sora and Kari copies there

The third Kari black haired goes out Master Oogway style but with glitter

There’s a red haired guy there that talks big shit but is constantly getting his ass kicked

There are so many spin-off games that have a lot of lore in them and the titles only make sense to people deep in the fandom trenches and lore

Those titles got fractions and shit in them

The Disney princesses played a major role at some point but idk if that’s still a thing

Those stain glass window levels are gorgeous

Sora is a people pleaser who dies for it

But unlike everyone else getting better from it, as he also has in the past, Sora is now gone gone but also not and next game may be in basically purgatory which is kinda our world (so many jokes there)

Riku gonna be on quest 2 of save his boyfriend and is sad now cause of it

Poor Riku he went through his emo phase in the first game and now his punishment for it is running after and saving a serial self sacrificing people pleaser that can’t say no and who keeps dieing from it

Let me know if I was close at all to being right about some things and what I got wrong.

[csuitebitches]

Hi! You're amazing and your page is amazing. I'm a girl who's really interested in growing and building my life. My mental illness has taken so much from me, so I feel I am starting life over this year like a little baby while everyone else is an adult. I often feel VERY insecure around friends who are normal and have achieved so much and have not made the many mistakes that I have.

I now have been isolating myself because I usually feel so ashamed of myself when I'm with them. I barely have any cooking skills as a female, I've never held a real job, I never network or connect with anyone, I have felt so miserable with a scowl on my face everyday, and I barely know what I'm doing with my life now in college.

As I am now working on my character flaws, how do I still feel I am loveable to my friends, stop pushing everyone away, and stop feeling like hiding when I'm with them?

everyone was once in your shoes. Were your friends born with their job? Were they born accomplished? Was Gordon Ramsey born with a knife in his hands? Have you seen the video of him crying because of his mentor Marco Pierre White?

Ive lightly burned my fingers, my food, set off the university dorm fire alarm because of my initial cooking skills. I’ve melted a spatula. I’ve burned countless toasts, broken glass bottles, had a whole bug infestation because I forgot to close the fridge tightly when I left uni for summer. Then I learned. I watched more YouTube videos. I practiced cooking. I can objectively say I cook better than my mom today because I made the effort to learn.

A master was also an amateur once.

“I never network with anyone” it’s good that you can admit the things you need to work on. The way you address problems like this is:

a) are there networking opportunities near you?

b) can you look up conferences and opportunities near you?

you assume that your friends have not made as many mistakes as you have. Do you go on a radio show and tell the whole world about every mistake you’ve made in your life? Even with close friends, one does not always reveal every single thing or sometimes, doesn’t feel the need to.

your journey is your own. The exam paper of your life does not have the same answers that your friends have written.

you’re not going to magically wake up accomplished, you’re going have to work towards it. And the best part is, you’re in college! That’s such a great stepping stone because you’re in an environment that’s programmed to help you grow if you can use your cards right.

can you join any extra curricular clubs or activities? Or ask your professors or the counsellor for internship opportunities? Can you organise an event like a bake sale or something for the local charity? Can you take up volunteering opportunities?

your insecurities are holding you back. You’re not any less lovable than the friends and family in your life. You have control over your own life. When you choose to actively put yourself out there, start socialising, engaging with people - which can be difficult for some people but always rewarding - you’ll start seeing change.

unfortunately the world doesn’t revolve around us. If you’re unhappy with how things are, the remote control of your life is in your hands.

you’re already working on yourself which is great. That means you have the intrinsic motivation to do something. It’s time to stop moaning and whining and start creating a plan of action.

tackle things one thing at a time. Don’t start with 10 things.

From your message it seems like:

You need help with adulting - cooking.

job - ask your college counsellor/ professor of your favourite subject for internship opportunity, on campus or off campus.

purpose -find a hobby, sport, volunteering cause, something that you like that you actually enjoy.

look at these three problems in the best positive light. It means you get to learn all these things you didn’t know! It means you’ll be able to meet new people who could become really good connections!

make your life simple. Progress doesn’t mean going from burning the kitchen down to cooking a three course meal. It means taking one week to learn how to fry an egg. It makes taking a week to learn how to make a decent pancake or some rice. It means screwing up 10 times and then finally getting it right on the 11th.

allow yourself to make mistakes. Acknowledge to yourself about them and move on.

Do not let your shame hold you back from living your life. We torture ourselves in imagination more than we actually suffer in real life.

I’ve felt embarrassed countless times in my life. I’ve slipped up, messed up, forgotten things, done what I wasn’t supposed to, held my tears back, been scolded, full blown cried, scribbled aggressively in my diary, ranted to my mom, had dramatic fights with my imaginary boss in the shower, woken up late, screwed up royally in important meetings. These are not original experiences. These are universal experiences. Anyone who is telling you that they have never felt this is a dirty liar.

I wouldn’t exchange those mistakes for the world.

How do you think I’m able to give you advice on this if I didn’t go through those similar experiences?

If you want to make changes in your life that badly, start today. Set three simple goals that are achievable. Set deadlines. Be your own parent. Get your life together.

[yourdreamscenarios]

When he wants to remain friends after breaking up I Part 2

∙ Request ♡ Can you write a second part for the previous scenario ‘when he wants to remain friends after breaking up’.

∙ Word count: 3,8K

“Did you read this?” Amanda asked, holding up her phone towards you so that you could see the article displayed on the screen. One look at it, and you knew exactly what it was about. Yes, you had read it, and then spend the next few hours trying the hardest you could to never think about it again, failing miserably. You weren’t supposed to read any of those things. You knew you were supposed to avoid those sites all together. Usually the only thing they contributed in this society were gossips and bullshit, drama and heartbreak. In this situation, it wasn’t any different. You hummed in response, looking down onto your own screen again, trying to seem uninterested. 

It was a cloudy day, and you had a calm morning planned as there was nowhere else you needed to be right now. Nothing else you needed to do. No one else you had to think of. You had a photoshoot scheduled tonight, but you still had a few hours to kill until then. “I wonder if it’s true.” Amanda continued, her voice trailing off. And you knew, you knew with that she was tricking you into saying something on the matter. You knew she was trying to get you to speak your mind. Which was exactly what you didn’t want to do. Yet it was exactly what you did. Because how could you not? This revolved around you. It was all you had been able to think about for the past few days since this article had been posted, even though you had tried so damn hard not to.

“Ow sure. You wonder if it’s true if Jeon Jungkook told them he is still in love with his ex girlfriend or if they simply made it up? Well, why don’t you go ask him and put us both out of our misery then?” You snapped. As soon as the words left your mouth, you knew you shouldn’t have said them. Not only had they been rude and disrespectful. Not only was your tone snarky and dexterous. You had also just created a perfect opening for your friend to start up on a topic she had wanted to address for days now. You had given her a reason to speak up about something, or rather someone, you had tried to avoid talking about for almost two weeks now. And you had been so successful in it. Since the last time you’d seen him in the hallway backstage, you had been a master in avoiding Jeon Jungkook all together. 

No more calls, no more texts, no more conversations about him, nothing. The only slip you’d made was with this article, and now it had come to bite you in the ass. Those stupid gossip articles, always dragging everyone along. “You know, I don’t understand why you’re doing this to yourself.” And with that she was off. You knew there was no way for you to escape this anymore. She had probably been brooding on this for days, waiting for the right time to tell you exactly what her thoughts were on the matter. Usually, you appreciated her advice. She was one of the people you could count on to help you think your way out of a nasty situation. Yet, this time, you’d rather she kept her tongue.

“Doing what exactly?” You couldn’t help but ask, because how could you not? How could someone not want to know what one had to say after an opening like that? Talking about a fresh break up was always a bad idea. Everything was still raw. The wounds still healing. Rubbing salt on them seemed the worst thing to do. Yet, here you were, on your couch, rubbing a lot of salt. “I mean, I get why you’re angry. God of course I do. That bastard deserves every second of this. But you, you don’t deserve any of this.” You sighed as you stopped pretending to be focused on anything else than the conversation at hand. Dropping your phone on the table in front of you, you dropped your head in your hands, wiping them across your face. Thinking about all of this was exhausting, talking about it, was absolutely draining. 

“What do you mean?” You asked, knowing she was dying to give you the full explanation. Everyone had been dying to do so for weeks. Somehow, everyone was always ready to comment on other people’s relationships gone wrong. They always seemed to know better. Always thought there was something left to safe. “What I mean, is that it’s obvious you’ve been spending the past few weeks trying your hardest to forget about the one person you don’t want to live without. You’re miserable, he’s miserable. He should be, he’s the one who ended things…” You raised your eyebrows slightly at her poor choice of words. He’d dumped your ass, that was what he’d done. And the explanation he’d given you hadn’t made up for it.

“But you have a guy, almost begging you to take him back, and you refuse him because you think you can’t. Because you think you’d make an absolute fool of yourself by doing so. Which means that your ego is currently standing in the way of your own happiness. Not his, yours. Your fucking own happiness. You shouldn’t allow that to happen. You can listen to everyone telling you that it serves him right, that you should move on. But the fact is that you can’t. I’m guessing that’s pretty obvious by now. You love him, period. And you can’t stop doing that just because that’s what you’re supposed to do. The heart wants what it wants, and yours clearly wants Jungkook. Whether it’s right or not.” The silence that followed was a deafening one. You both sat there, Amanda clearly surprised and slightly horrified because of everything she just threw at you. You stunned, too breath taken to say so anything to that confession. 

You had no idea whether to tell her she was right or to burst into tears, still knowing she was right. But what were you supposed to do. You had broken off contact with him weeks ago. And a part of you was still convinced it was all for the best. “When he broke up with me he said he wanted to be friends, not that he still loved me or that he wanted to get back together. I can’t be friends with Jeon Jungkook. I simply can’t.” You sputtered, knowing it would kill you to call your ex boyfriend anything other than the man you loved. You couldn’t have him being a part of your life any other way. The thought of being in the same room as him, pretending not to feel anything if he’d ever start dating anyone else. Pretending to be happy for him. It made you sick to your stomach.

Amanda lifted her phone, swinging the article into your face. “Would someone who wants to be ‘just friends’ confess to still loving you in an article which he knew she was probably going to read? Which he knew the whole fucking world was going to read?” You brushed her hand away, not being able to stand it to read that title again. It had kept you awake for nights, that headline. You’d been so close to reaching out to him, to call him and ask him if he meant it. To ask him if he really loved you still. There was this part of you which died to know. But there was also a part of you who wanted to turn around and walk away. The part of you which had been shattered into pieces when he’d told you it was over. When he’d confessed to you his feelings for you had changed. 

That he didn’t feel the way he once did. You were being pulled into all kinds of different directions. One day this and the other that. What did he expect from you? To simply forgive him? What did others expect from you? To simply forget what had happened? All of a sudden the room seemed to be closing in around you. The air sticky in your lungs. It felt like you were being smothered. “I need some fresh air. Don’t wait for me to head out. I’ll make my way over to the venue myself.” You announced as you got up from the couch, grabbed your phone and found your bag on the way out. Amanda opened her mouth to say something. Whether it was to apologize or explain things, you never knew. Hugging your coat around yourself, you slipped out of the front door and into the windy afternoon. You took a big gulp of fresh air, feeling your hair blowing into several directions as you set off towards the coffee shop close by.

It was absolutely terrible that everyone seemed to think they knew what was best for you. But what they didn’t know was that this was a war you had been fighting with yourself ever since you and Jungkook had broken up. It wasn’t like you didn’t understand where he was coming from. After almost three years of dating, your relationship hadn’t been the same as it had been when it had first started. That extreme, suffocating love which you had felt for each other the first few months of your relationship had evolved into something else. But instead of it not being enough, you had seen it as something even more beautiful than that. Jungkook had been your beacon, the lighthouse which always safely guided you home after a rough day. He’d been the embrace you wanted to come home to. 

The one you wanted to tell everything, good or bad. He’d become someone comfortable, the one who knew everything about you, without having to ask. The one who loved you no matter your flaws and your imperfections. At least, that was what you’d thought. Apparently, for him, those feelings hadn’t been enough. And if you went back to him now, what was going to change? Things wouldn’t be new. They wouldn’t get any more exciting. You were still going to be busy. You still wouldn’t have more time for one another. The puppy love you had once felt was one you were never going to get back. You couldn’t give him what he wanted, not anymore. Taking a deep breath, you tried to hold yourself together as you reached the coffee shop. As you opened the door and pushed your head inside, you noticed it wasn’t too crowded. And your favorite spot was not taken.

When Jungkook and you had first started dating, you’d come here together often. It had been a place close by, where you both had been able to get back home whenever was needed, but you still felt as if it was just the two of you. It had felt as if you had been gone from everyone and everything else for a little while. That was the thing about break ups after a long-term relationship. Even the spots which used to be your favorites in the past, were now shared. The memories haunted you everywhere. You didn’t understand how people did it. How did one just move on? Standing in line you waited to order. How much time would you need before you’d ever be able to forget about all the things you’d done together? How long would it take before he wouldn’t be the first thing you thought about when you got out of bed in the morning? 

How long before you felt you could finally put it to rest? To be fair, it seemed impossible. “Can I get your order please?” The boy behind the register smiled politely at you and you felt like you could cry. You felt pathetic, standing in a coffee place you used to come to with your ex boyfriend, who you still loved, getting all teared up by the friendliness of a stranger. How things changed. “Yes, could I get a latte with a drop of caramel please?” The order was scribbled onto a note, and you were told it was coming right up. Swiping your cart, you moved to the side to let the next person take their order. Which only left you absently staring into space, hoping not to catch any attention. The last thing you needed was some unwanted attention.

“One latte with a little squeeze of caramel.” A familiar voice caught you off guard, and you blinked your eyes rapidly as you tried to focus your gaze on the hand presenting a paper cup in front of you. Your heart didn’t know whether to shudder or crack inside of your chest. Locking eyes with Jungkook, it took you a moment before you reached out to take the cup from him. The grateful response someone expected from you in a situation like this instantly died on your tongue. He chuckled awkwardly, brushing a hand through his hair, after which it fell straight back into his eyes. There was a time you would have stepped forward to comb your hands through those soft locks, trying to control it. Right now, your hand curled into a fist at your side. 

“We should probably change our hiding spot if we want to try to forget each other.” He tried, doing his best to make it sound like a joke between friends, but failing miserably. As you stood rooted to the spot, you noticed people starting to pay attention to the two of you. Curious glances were coming your way as people noticed two well known ex lovers trying to have an awkward first conversation since breaking up. And here you were thinking this day couldn’t get any worse. “Do you want to…” He pointed to the booth you always used to sit. The one you used to mope about when it was taken whenever you got here. Taking a deep breath you gave one stern nod, doing anything to get out of the center of everyone’s attention right now.

You sat down on the bench on one side of the table, he picked the other. Placing his cup of coffee between the two of you, his fingers squeezing the cup nervously. You were pretty sure wanting to be friends wasn’t supposed to feel this uncomfortable. “How have you been?” He asked softly, his eyes sweeping up to look for yours and drifting back towards the table when he noticed you were sternly avoiding his. You turned your answer over inside of your head. What were you supposed to say to a question like that? You were supposed to tell him you were doing just fine. Prove that you didn’t need him, that you were better off without him. It was what you had said last time you’d seen him, and it had left a bad taste in your mouth for hours. But you couldn’t tell him you were not fine either. 

Because then you’d sound desperate, and you’d hate that even more. There was no right fucking answer to this. “Shit, I can’t do this.” You muttered, getting ready to push yourself out of the booth and speed walk towards the door and back out as discretely as you could. Until your skin set on fire, where his hand reached out and grabbed a hold of your wrist. His hold was firm, but not painful. The grip almost as hopelessly as you felt. “Please don’t go, can we just… Please.” His voice cracked and the sound had you frozen in place. For the first time since you walked into him you willingly looked up to study his face. What you saw there, surprised you. You couldn’t believe you hadn’t noticed it when you’d first looked at him.

There was a stubble visible all over his cheeks and above his lips. His hair, soft as it might be, looked unkempt. And his eyes, there was a look inside of them you had never seen before. “I just… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for everything I did and everything I said. I know that’s not going to fix it, but I just need, I need to tell you how sorry I feel. I fucked up, I fucked up so bad.” He croaked, his voice slurred thick with emotion. You could feel a lump forming in your throat because of it. And even after everything he did and how much pain he caused you, you still felt your heart break for him. “Yes, you fucked up really bad.” Because what else were you supposed to say? 

He made a huge mistake, and now what? He slowly let go of your wrist, as if it pained him to no longer be able to touch you. His hand stayed close by though, never going far out of reach. A silence followed between the two of you, yet it wasn’t as uncomfortable as you thought it would be. It was loaded, but you simply weren’t sure if you wanted to hear what he was about to say next. So instead, you beat him to it. “I can’t be your friend Jungkook.” You stated, placing both of your hands flat on the table, trying to ground yourself. Should you apologize for it? No, no you probably shouldn’t. He searched your face, as if looking for something, before he nodded, understandingly. “I don’t want to be friends either.”

Confusion swirled inside of you and gave way to anger. He was playing with you, messing with your feelings. Just a few weeks earlier, it was all he’d ever wanted, and now he was taking everything back. How did he expect you to keep up with him? As if shattering your heart hadn’t been enough. “What do you want from me then Jungkook? I’m tired of your games! I’m tired of reading articles online, contradicting each other. I’m sick of this! What the fuck do you want?” You didn’t mean to raise your voice, because more attention was the last thing you wanted. Several people tried to subtly listen in on your conversation, but you didn’t care. 

You wanted this to be over. You wanted this to end. You deserved this, so you could move on. Jungkook looked as if he was about to be physically ill. “I want a second chance.” He whispered, his voice so soft you almost weren’t sure if your ears were deceiving you. But you were sure you hadn’t imagined it, when he said what he did. If you were in a public place right now, and if it hadn’t gone against your principles, you probably would have slapped him across the face. “What?” You sputtered, as it was the only stupid thing you were able to say. He braced himself, and seemed to swallow his courage before he spoke up.

“I was so stupid when I let you go ___________. I had no idea. But once you were gone, I knew. I knew exactly what I lost. I thought what I felt for you was no longer love, but it was everything more than that. I was just too stupid to see it. When I let you go, I let go of my best friend. I said goodbye to the one person who knew me, to the one person I would want to be a part of my life for as long as I get to live it. I want to share everything with you, my highs and my lows. I lost my family when you left, a piece of myself. And I’ve never felt so lost, so lonely…” You were stunned into silence, having a hard time breathing when you noticed a tear escaping his eye. “You were my home, no matter where we were. And I took it all for granted. I didn’t realize it was something to cherish, a once in a lifetime thing, until I threw it all out of the window.  Fuck, I should have asked you to marry me instead of letting you go. I’m so fucking stupid.” 

He angrily whipped away the tear that had slipped down his cheek by now, all the way to his chin. By now, yours were streaming freely, on their own accord. There was nothing you could do to stop them. “I know you probably won’t believe me. And you have every right not to. I hurt you, and I will never forgive myself for it, even if you might one day decide you could. I’m not worthy of you and I know it. But god what I would do to get a second try. I would spend the rest of my life proving you just how much I love you, because I do. I love you, so, so much. And I will never, ever take that for granted, ever again.” It seemed as if he had come to the end of his speech, and you rubbed away your tears as you leaned back against the seat, emotionally drained.

Out of all the things you had expected to happen today, this was the least you had expected. His confession had been raw, and for someone who usually wasn’t good with words and emotions, he had been spot on. “You know, a friend told me earlier today that I don’t deserve any of this.” You said, looking him dead in the eye as you did. You watched him shrink into himself because of your words, and he nodded, looking lost. “I promise you I will never bother you again.” He assured you, and studied your face one final time before reaching for his cup and shoving towards the end of his seat. 

“And I guess she’s right. I don’t deserve any of this. I deserve to be happy.” You continued as if you hadn’t heard what he’d just said. And he stopped, lifting his gaze to look at you. His expression told you he wasn’t sure whether he wanted you to continue or not. “And I hate myself to saying this, but what makes me happy is you.” He deflated, his bottom lip quivering as if he was about to burst into tears in the middle of a café. And maybe he deserved that much. You sighed, shoving away your coffee mug, its insides now long cold. “So you better keep your promise and come back here. Because you still have a lot of making up to do.”

∙ Part one ♡

∙ BTS Masterlist ♡     ∙ Masterlist ♡

[couldntbedamned]

A Sweet Escape (To Better Days)

Pairing: Stephen Strange/Reader, Strange Supreme/Reader, Defender Strange/Reader, Supreme Strange/Reader, Sinister Strange/Reader

Summary: While it at first it weighed heavily on her, the knowledge that five of the most powerful beings in the multiverse were with her instead of protecting all of reality, she couldn’t deny the thrill that also came with that. The universe truly revolved around her. Her loves revolved around her and everything she was, she had, she did was for them in return.

Warnings: Kidnapping, Obsession, Sexual Content, Spanking, Blatant disregard for responsibilities to multiple realities

Note: This isn’t really a prequel to There's Only Butterflies (Take Me Away), so much as it’s a companion piece, I suppose. In my mind they simply go together.

Stephen was her first.

It wasn’t as if she’d been waiting for Mr. Right, marriage, or anything so sentimental. There had been plenty of opportunities, but sex just hadn’t seemed important. She had her vibrators and her imagination. Men, from what she’d experienced, were simply more trouble than they were worth.

Until Stephen.

Stephen had flown - literally - into her life and everything she’d known had turned upside down.

She’d been captivated by him. He was intelligent, charming, handsome, and just a little bit mean. Which would be a red flag to anyone else but just set tingles afire deep in her belly.

Why he’d settled on her of all people, she didn’t know, but after the first time he’d taken her, moved in her, filled her, she’d decided it didn’t matter.

Sex with Stephen was better than any orgasm she’d wrung from herself with her vibrators. He was unrelenting, demanding her pleasure several times over before he’d take his own. Passing out from sheer pleasure? Yeah, apparently not something that only happened in books.

She lived with him in the Sanctum, days and nights filled with time spent together reading, talking, fucking. He could be fairly useless with words - especially the three words most people held above all. There was something in his eyes that told her he wanted to say the words but couldn’t stop from saying the wrong thing or just saying nothing at all. It never mattered to her; his actions said more than simple words ever could. Why insist on silly little words when he bared his soul to her in every way that truly mattered?

He had to dash off to save the world, obviously, but he always came back to her. They’d inevitably end up fucking for hours, as if to reaffirm that he was still alive.

Strange found them, fittingly, she thought, on a chilly and storming Halloween evening.

At first, she thought the ritualistic sex had gone terribly wrong. (Or wonderfully right. What? She was horny and, thanks to the magic, unable to get off until Stephen finished his part of the ritual by finishing inside her.)

“The Runes of Rapitu,” Strange had said, circling around them. He didn’t look well, this version of Stephen. His face was leaner, the circles under his eyes purple and pronounced. Even his Cloak appeared almost feral. “A little on the nose for Samhain, isn’t it?”

Unashamed of his naked form, Stephen stood, conjuring his shields. “This isn’t your universe.”

“I have no universe,” Strange replied. His eyes raked over her nude body as it glistened in the candlelight. “I see you have one, though.”

He studied the runes intently, each flaring to greater life under his gaze, the glow red rather than orange. “What is it you’re hoping to bind?”

Shakily, she fingered the torq around her neck. “A new relic.”

“Allow me to assist you,” Strange said suggested. He caught her gaze and oh how she found herself wanting him! “Or I can simply absorb your magic for my own and continue on my miserable existence. It’s your choice,” he said to her. “But the loss of you would be a tragedy.”

Her? Her and not Stephen, the Sorcerer Supreme?

“You’ve already lost her, haven’t you?” Stephen asked, lowering his shields.

“Yes, and it led to losing everything,” Strange answered, never taking his eyes off of her. “Do not take her for granted, we - your reality - cannot withstand her loss.”

At her nod, Stephen parted the runes and Strange stepped into the circle, divesting himself of his robes as he did so. His Cloak went to join their Cloak off to the side.

Between the two of them, there wasn’t a coherent thought in her head until the ritual was complete. All she’d known was the feel of hands on her, two scarred and shaking and the others elegant and sure along with their cocks taking her, worshiping with her as they imbued magic and protection and strength into the torc and paid their homage to Rapitu. She was little more than a blissed-out, satiated mess, dripping of them both and the newly charmed relic buzzing and warm around her neck when all was said and done. Stephen and Strange surrounded her and took their time bringing her back to herself as she was washed and dried and protected. She woke between them and after kissing Stephen, turned to Strange.

“Stay.”

Months of bliss followed Strange’s arrival into her and Stephen’s world.

Strange touched her whenever the opportunity presented itself - a hand on her shoulder, the small of her back, no touch was ever too small. He kissed her as if doing so could wipe clean the fact that he’d destroyed. an. entire. universe. in the name of some version of her she’d never known.

Stephen, already the most jealous man she’d ever known, had assured her he wasn’t envious of Strange. “He’s me,” Stephen said, watching as Strange devoured her pussy like a man starved of water, drawing out quaking release after quaking release until she couldn’t lift her head in her exhaustion. “How could I possibly be jealous of myself?”

The two of them took turns whenever there was a threat to reality or a day that needed saving. They were skilled enough to hide the differences in front of the outside world… but not to her. She could always tell them apart.

The arrival of another variant, her Defender, came on a bright and sunny day. She was running from an alien invader on a rare trip out of the Sanctum when he appeared like a righteous angel, harnessing the brightness of the sun and saving her life. Who needed the sun when she had her very own Sol ready to slay any demons that might haunt her?

Strange and Stephen were unsure, but her Sol’s devotion to her could not be questioned.

“I was fighting a giant eyeball,” he told them over drinks. “I killed it but there was an interdimensional portal that sucked me through. I don’t know how to get back.” He looked at her, expression soft. “And I don’t know if I even want to.” He’d lost her too, she realized.

“You saved my life,” she said. “As far as I’m concerned, you can stay for as long as you want.”

He couldn’t swap places with the others out in the world since she put her foot down on his hair.

“You’ll break my heart if you cut it,” she pouted playfully. “I like to run my fingers through it.”

He smirked at Stephen and Strange. “I like when you pull it, too.”

He stayed inside the Sanctum with her, keeping her busy whenever Stephen or Strange was away protecting the reality. He was rigid and unyielding in many ways, absolute in his belief that it was his duty to keep her safe and cared for. If he told her to do something, he expected it to be done. And the thing was, his orders were never unreasonable, not really.

The first time he hauled her over his lap, vanished her shorts, and spanked her ass to a cherry red after she’d disobeyed him was… well, it was an experience. And then he’d comforted her, asked how he could help her do the right thing going forward. She hadn’t been angry with him, instead, she’d felt… cherished.

“I will always protect you,” he promised with a tender kiss to her lips that had her near tears all over again. “Even if it’s from yourself.” Then he made love to her, showed her just how good things could be if she stayed good for him, trusted him to take care of her.

At first, she ignored the cracks in the world that started appearing. If her lovers weren’t worried, why should she be?

They were actually more worried than they ever let her know.

Travelers started to appear, those who didn’t belong with voices insistent about the threat of annihilation, of how sacred timelines were diverging and converging. Her lovers were having visions of universes disintegrating into nothing but blackest chaos even as reality tried to re-forge itself again and again. She herself began to dream of losing everything until she was alone in nothingness, far away from her loves.

They were not meant to live in the same reality; she knew that to be true. But surely, they could stand against the inevitability of the multiverse ensuring its own survival at all costs?

Then parts of the population started to vanish, parts of people themselves started to glitch - there was no other word to describe the horror that was looking at someone only to see them turn slightly and be missing an eye or a mouth, replaced only by a void or whatever passed for normal in another reality.

The universe was about to end, and she knew it was because of her, because they’d never leave her.

She planned to run, to leave them because who was she against the fate of the multiverse?

She never got the chance to run. They’d planned, too.

“We’re so sorry, Cielo,” Defender whispered as he bound her in magic so Stephen and Strange could bind her further, sigils appearing on her skin and the world fading around her. “When you wake up, everything will be as it should be, always.”

“Sleep, my love,” Stephen implored. “Sleep and dream of us.”

“We’ll be here with you the whole time; we’ll never leave you.”

The universe she was born into was created over the course of billions, perhaps trillions of years.

It only took her lovers a little over three to create her new one.

She awoke to a world unlike any she’d ever seen or even imagined.

“It’s yours,” Stephen told her. “Everything here is for you.”

“We hope you like it.”

The voice was Stephen’s but new, the cadence unique.

“You’re another Stephen,” she whispered, stunned. He was so similar and so unique among them. She had never seen him clean-shaven, nor a blue Cloak. “How?”

“We’re all Stephen, my Dear,” yet another Stephen said. “That’s how the multiverse works.” His hair was wilder, his goatee grown into a pointed beard. He looked sinister, in a way, though he was undoubtedly, like he said, a Stephen.

“You found a way to stop the incursions?” She asked, looking to her first three. “How? I thought more than one variant couldn’t co-exist in a given reality. The universes have rules!”

Her selfishness had nearly broken her universe, after all.

“That is true,” Strange said. “So, we created a universe where we could make our own rules.”

Something sick settled in her belly. A new universe?

“What about ours?” she asked Stephen. “Are they… what have you done?”

“We’ve repaired the damage we were creating as best we could,” Clean-shaven said. “Some damage was too great in one or two realities, but they’ll have several billion years before they’ll even start to fade.”

“The others are safe now,” Sinister said. “As long as we remain here, they’ll remain safe.”

“And what is here, exactly?”

“A pocket universe,” Defender says. “We exist outside of the multiversal branches and therefore we cannot damage them.”

“And who exactly constitutes ‘we’?” she asked.

“You, and us,” Strange answered, motioning between the five of them. “Just the six of us, together forever.”

She turned and ran, ignoring their calls after her. She pushed open the doors and flung herself out into this new world they’d created, terrified because who did that?

They hadn’t even chased her down, simply let her exhaust herself in this new, remarkably stunning universe they’d created. She’d run through a forest of pure white trees with purple foliage and azure grass and then a field of orange clover that never seemed to end only to find herself at what looked like a safe little cottage. The inside, however, was right where she’d started.

“There’s no running,” the clean-shaven one said when Sinister blocked her exit and Defender embraced her from behind. “Every path will bring you back to us.”

“Don’t lead me to punish you, Cielo. This is our home and you’re safe here.”

“I want to go home,” she insisted. It was part-truth, mostly-lie because how could she ever leave them - even the newest two - but how could she let them abandon their roles?

“You are home,” Strange said. “Your home is here now, with us.”

“This is the only way,” Stephen told her, stepping close and caressing her cheek. “Dearest Love this is the only way.”

She nodded, cautiously.

She ran a few times after that.

It never mattered. They either caught her, or she ended up back where she started. Either way she found herself over Defender’s lap, sobbing as he punished her for running. Then she’d cry in other ways as they demonstrated just how she was theirs.

Supreme, as she thought of the clean-shaven one, was as controlling as her Sol is protective. If no one else was around, he would pick out her clothing, her food, anything. He had to be around her all the time, much like Strange but there was a desperation to it that Strange has never had.

“Isn’t this universe supposed to be about me?” She once asked after his suggestion they visit the beach rather than her offered trip into one of the many cities that existed just for her.

“Do you dislike what we do?” He asked her in response. “Have I displeased you?”

The thing was, he hadn’t. He never did. The clothes he chose for her were inevitably perfect, the food the best she’d ever tasted. Even the books he suggested for her were fantastic reads and as she lay with him massaging (unneeded) sunscreen into her back, she could admit that he was perfect for her.

She was always sure to tell him whenever they were in bed, where he again devoted himself to her pleasure, bringing tidal waves of bliss to crash over her again and again. “You’re so perfect for me.” His eyes would close then, peace stealing across his face at her words, as though they were a benediction.

If ever there was a lost soul in her universe it was her Sinister. The man had spent years searching for any kind of a happy ending, any scenario where he wasn’t miserable and alone and he looked at her as though she were his salvation. When he wasn’t overwhelming her, that was.

“I’ve searched for you,” he told her one afternoon when her other Stephens were away re-enforcing the protective barriers of their pocket universe. “It wasn’t just happiness I searched for, my Love. It was for happiness with you.”

“I suppose you’ve found me,” she said. He was broken and she didn’t know if she could ever fix him. He, like Supreme and Strange, had destroyed entire universes.

“I have,” he said, stepping closer, hands linked behind his back. It was his default position, she’d learned. “I have and I will never let anything take you away.”

“It’s not like I can ever escape.”

He barked out a harsh laugh but stilled her flinch with a blackened finger under her chin. “We’re your prisoners every bit as much as you’re ours.” He always told her the truth, in his own way.

He leaned in, claimed her lips with his, the scratch of his wild goatee rough against her skin.

He terrified her in a multitude of ways, but he kissed her in the very best of ways. Sex always left her bruised and marked and exhausted but she’d never deny she loved it. His touch was strong, this side of too hard, too much, too wild but every time she found herself pushing back in kind, even seeking out the abandon he offered. 

Time was both too short and infinite for her and her beloveds. Her Stephen, her Strange. Her Sinister, her Supreme, and of course, her dearest Defender.

While it at first it weighed heavily on her, the knowledge that five of the most powerful beings in the multiverse were with her instead of protecting all of reality she couldn’t deny the thrill that also came with that. The universe truly revolved around her. Her loves revolved around her and everything she was, she had, she did was for them in return.

They created a universe, rewrote the very rules of all of existence, simply for her. All so they could be with her, forever.

Yes, there were more versions of them, and those sorry souls (to use the phrasing both Sinister and Strange use) were no doubt protecting their respective realities. Her own monitored the multiverse whenever the mood struck them. They watched from their pocket universe, unseen but one occasionally dipping out to offer the briefest yet most crucial of assists before returning and then seeking her out.

“You are our most important reality,” her Defender, her Sol told her.

“But at the cost of trillions?” She once asked helplessly.

Could she be so selfish?

“We can’t go back into our realities without risking even greater casualties,” Stephen said as he helped remove her tunic. “Here, in our home, we are safe.”

“And because we are, so are countless other realities,” Supreme added, kissing down her neck.

“By keeping us here with you,” Sinister whispered against her ear, hand gliding down her front to dip into the waistband of the flowy pants she wore. “You are ensuring the continued survival of the multiverse.”

It was hard to argue with that. And hard to think when Strange was kissing her, coaxing her lips open so he could lick inside. And fuck her Defender was kissing up her bare back.

“Is it so terrible?” Strange pulled back to ask. “A life with the men who worship you, knowing that this life is keeping trillions upon trillions of lives safe?”

Sinister’s fingers busied themselves stroking through her wet folds, dipping in, and teasing.

“Oh, I suppose it’s just my burden to bear.”

They’re five men with the power of gods and yet she is the one who is worshipped.

[noturvlentine]

im not someone to miss (pt2)

༺ ♰ ༻

Leon Kennedy x reader series

Summary [series]- after Chris Redfield has requested for your transfer from the BSAA, you’re tasked with uncovering a chain of bio-terrorist attacks alongside Leon Kennedy. Destruction, duty and your untold past brings you spiralling into an unlikely bond with your partner, as efforts are made and promises are broken.

im back! sorry I haven’t been as alive as the past two weeks, school has really caught wind of assignments but updates are coming!!!!! Bear with me while I write up the rest of my vague plans for this series and I apologise if these time skips make no sense at all!!

Please don’t copy my work anywhere else!! this will be up in ao3 too!!! -j

1.9k words

part 1

part 3

༺ ♰ ༻

Washington DC

A particular apartment block

21:00PM

2009

You arrived home to a small, tactical grade duffle bag sitting on your doormat. You half-expected them to provide you with nothing more than necessary, but seeing as STRATCOM was no BSAA, their gear had been rather sophisticated to say the least. They had given you 400 hours to gather any intel from a country in Eastern Europe, which meant you had a little over two weeks stuck with Leon in some dusty safe-house apartment with minimal contact with anyone else (not like you had anyone worth reaching out to outside of work anyway). 400 hours- thats only if things went smoothly, in which, they never do. You’d be there for a month at the minimum guarantee and you were meant to escort a contact to a private exchange of resources they managed to snatch off the black market. If the deal went smoothly then at least the government can put their pretentious, expensive lab research to use with their hands on a sample of some B.O.W strains.

You managed to drag yourself into your apartment, keys thrown onto the kitchen counter as your first thought was to pour yourself a drink and burn a cigarette. You weren’t a drinker- correction, you weren’t an alcoholic, nor were you a smoker. It’s just that there was no one here to monitor you and you easily and cowardly blamed it on your job, but instead you just seemed to have revolved around whatever harmless substance was at your disposal for the time being- amongst other things. You’d always kind of lived your domestic life on autopilot, barely putting in a second thought to whether you actually needed to change the way you lived, whether you needed other things in your existence- or someone else, but who were you kidding, a pet maybe?. You were never the type to give someone a call back either- to be fair you never really stayed, hence why a drink and a smoke followed by a warm shower was all you really desired. You slumped yourself down on the chair at your dining table, not bothered turning any overhead lights on in return, just letting the gracious moonlight escape into the room. Your fingers traced the yellow folder you’d brought home from work today, the other hand going numb from the cold condensation of a beer bottle. You sat there for a good two hours, an unwise decision seeing as you still wanted to waste away in the shower and needed to be organised for departure tomorrow. Not to say, sleep wasn’t ever on your side either.

Under the sting of your hot shower, you couldn’t help but think of how exactly you ended up here. Eight long years of anti-bioterrorist service just for Redfield to temporarily ‘discharge’ you from the BSAA for your little let down back in South America (to be fair, no one had ever decided you were discharged, but the leave and subsequent transfer had been the equivalent of that in your eyes). Was he even going to let you back in on the field with him? You weren’t about to become an office personnel in your line of work after this mission, to be honest you thought it would be the hands-on equivalent of death- to spend years in training in both the military and special operations only to end up in the chain of responsive command for an XO you didn’t quite get along with. Not to mention- having to filter through everyone’s field reports and paperwork after Redfield just hypothetically offed the industrial section of a city. Nonetheless, you were at least grateful to still be working field for the time being, it may not be alongside Chris Redfield and the BSAA, but it was still something of the equivalent. You were enjoying what might be the last comfortable shower for the next month or so (something small to deal with considering the various lengthy deployments you’d been on previously), taking time to let the sprays of water loosen your muscles. If you were completely honest, you would enjoy a permanently domestic, normal civilian life either. Something simple as a long, warm shower would become tedious once it becomes frequented and unthreatened as civilians are. Maybe the loss in commodity value was an excuse for you to work this job until death. Or maybe death came closer, and maybe you’d already accepted that.

Your mind skipped to Leon, or rather what he was doing, then to what he’d think of you once he knew you too well (or if he ever will). After all, two weeks is a long time to be stuck with someone on your tail, in the same safe house flat, going over the same shit and waiting for something life threatening to occur. You’d feared that when you’d first gravitated towards the BSAA, scared that you were going to let someone in (arguably, you’d always defended Chris as your bond came from the sentimental value of your jobs) and that they were going to come to the inevitable realisation that you were both fucked and would soon wound up dead on the field somewhere. That was definitely something harder for others to compute, as you’d accepted your death ages ago and were only ever waiting for people the catch up, hence why you’d think Leon would actually hate you.

South America

BSAA outstation

14:00PM

December 2008

‘Fuck! Goddamn it!’ Chris throws his fist into the crumbly stone pillar to his right. ‘We are sending in backup immediately-‘

‘Redfield that is not of your command, we’re not taking that risk-‘ petty, for anyone to want to argue with Chris Redfield. He’s always been full charged if not spewing out electricity by the second in the heat of the moment, head and heart. There was no negotiation. He knew first hand how shitty it was to go into a mission without support, albeit you did have ‘support’, yes- but it was a matter of if the goddamn CO would agree.

‘I’m not asking. That is one of our best agents tied up in there and you’re not gonna find another.’ To anyone else that tone alone would have them pissing their pants running under Redfield’s control, maybe this was why everyone was always cleaning up after him.

‘I’m going in.’ He mumbled, a stern one, signalling to his team to pack it forwards beyond their assigned parameters.

‘Patch me through.’ The next thing you know, your name is repeated frantically over the comms. Redfield’s voice is stern, searching, worrisome, but stern in his best I-am-your-captain commandment way. As his voice became more desperate you managed to free a hand for the radio.

‘Chris you better turn the fuck around.’ You groaned through your teeth, dropping down to your knees behind a collapsed brick wall. There was currently a wave of bioterrorist minions on your six and a massive B.O.W making its way through the maze of collapses infrastructure ready to pull you head off your neck the moment you’re seen in the line of fire. They had dogs two, all three parties together would be more than the current BSAA deployment had issued in the area and the next few surrounding countries. It amazes you how much terrorism groups can out number the fucking military, how many people are willing to sign themselves up to suicide compared to those who enlist in the army. They’re probably not cowards like the rest of the world that’s for sure.

‘I can get you my final intel order but if you fucking surpass that parameter-‘

‘I am not leaving you out there.’

‘I’m dead! I’m fucking dead Chris!’

The line goes silent, you can hear him thinking over the static of the radio. He had no purpose in sending rescue, you were a valuable asset, but the job was finished and there was enough evidence for the FBC to deploy troops to other locations and carry out necessary protocols to prevent whole countries from collapsing. The South American sun was starting to get its way with you, there was dust thickening through the air and you could hear firing in the near distance, which was enough for you to pull yourself up from you current location. Shots fired, straight your way and heard through the radio. You were scrambling for shelter around this abandonment of a city block, you shad two magazines left which you knew wouldn’t last for nearly enough time before an evac squad gets here.

Washington DC

Joint Base Andrews

12:30PM

2009

The pilot had just announced takeoff over the PA system. You watched the runway shrink into small grey veins over patchy land as the plane gained altitude. You could also see Leon’s impulsive leg tapping in your peripheral vision, his eyes settled in examining your body language as you pretended not to notice. His arms were crossed, disinterested by anything outside or in the cabin as his mind was purely focused on figuring you out. Out of annoyance, you turn your head, dropping your hand which was once propping your chin up, onto the armrest by the window.

‘What?’ You blinked at Leon.

‘Nothing, you look tired.’ He simply shrugs. Well that’s little to say for someone who’s been peeling your complexion apart for the past five minutes. You don’t respond, dropping your gaze to his bouncing leg, which stops upon your eyes settling on it. Your hand was now wrapped tightly around the bulge of the armrest, fingers slowly digging into the fabric and picking at the seams. Something about Leon’s all-too-understanding way of looking at you just didn’t sit right. He wasn’t one to remind you of your troubles but in every way, he did, and you can’t blame him for that. A faint rustling sound traveled towards you as he shifted in his seat, now more relaxed as his head hung back towards the headrest, still arms crossed and looking at you softly. Oh how you wished a little turbulence would break up this awkward exchange, you couldn’t argue that there was anything interesting other than fogs of cloud infecting your view.

Three hours into the flight and it was approaching night across the time zones. You’d irresponsibly gone through two glasses of rum and coke to ease your nerves, to which earned you a scoff and hum of amusement from Leon. Thought he was insistent on getting more than three words out of you, there was nothing he could do about your isolated bitterness and he figured that you’d melt along with time. You watched as the sky had lost its sunset, turning into an inevitable, cartoonish night.

‘Get some sleep will you?’

No answer, you pouted and went back to staring out the window. The emptiness plagued the entire sky and all that could be seen was the annoying red eye on the wing of the plane. Leon pushed his following words back into his throat, and left it at that for the rest of the evening before your subsequent arrival. You watched as he quietly dozed off for the next two hours, leaving you with a sense of peripheral comfort.

AN: this chapter is a little slow i know, it’s getting there. I’m also trying to keep my formatting consistent but I’m not sure how well that’s working atm 😂

[pissfizz]

I haven’t said a list about the “removing sokkas sexism” thing yet but I wanna explain my thoughts on it. Does removing this aspect of his character ruin the whole show? No. Does it destroy his entire character? Also no. In most cases, it would be fine to remove this and still have a perfectly good, respectful adaptation. Things don’t have to follow the source material exactly to be a good adaptation, see the Scott pilgrim anime for example. However, this is not the Scott pilgrim anime. There are two glaring issues I see with doing this, plus one minor one. Let’s start with the minor one.

While I see how it’s problematic due to the representation involved, a lot of katara’s arc revolves around the sexism in the water tribes, and that includes within her brother. Both of these siblings have a lot of their initial arcs undermined by this change. However, you say, they could just be planning something new! This is true, and this is fine. Not to my personal preference, for a plethora of reasons, but I can see how it’d still be done well.

Let’s move on to the bigger issues.

Issue one. Removing sokkas sexism from season one because it’s “iffy” is a red flag. From the sounds of things, it sounds like the show runners fail to understand that how Sokka acted wasn’t a product of the times, and was actually a lesson for the target demographic of young boys that “hey, acting like this is bad. Don’t act like this.” They seemed to pass by on the fact that he is like that for a reason, and that his arc of bettering himself is important. When combined with the fact that the original creators left the project due to “creative differences”, this red flag is even louder, brighter, and practically dripping with blood. If you fail to understand a character being sexist and then bettering himself, what else do you fail to understand? It’s a fairly simple arc and it isn’t metaphorical in the slightest, which makes it hard to believe they didn’t understand it. Sokka is more than his season one arc, but the arc is still important, and if they’re willing to take it away, which also undermines a lot of kataras arc and probably takes hers away too (presuming they take away the N Water Tribe’s sexism as well), what ELSE are they willing to change or take away?

This leads to issue number two. “Mari,” you say “they probably aren’t that stupid to misunderstand such an on the nose arc like that, don’t you think you’re a little presumptuous?” To that I say, you’re probably right, although I wouldn’t be surprised. The alternative, and more likely reasoning, actually is something else. Capitalism. Art can no longer be art, instead it has to marketable and perfectly polished. Three thought processes probably happened here: 1) Your protagonists can’t be bad people, that would be endorsing their behaviors! 2) By making a character sexist, even in an arc where he realizes he’s wrong, some people might be uncomfortable or dislike him, costing Netflix money (or potential money) and 3) showing an arc about a man becoming a feminist could make some of the audience uncomfortable or upset, costing them money. Now, as you can see these are all stupid. Number one is technically more of a fan point of view that hollywood abides by and worsens. Which these three points leads to the same question from the early issue: if they’re willing to cut this stuff to stay profitable, what do lose of the original story are they going to change and/or make way more obvious and simplistic.

I can’t say for sure, but I have zero faith the show will be good due to these reasons.

[mapsofnonexistentplaces]

hi cubeguy i sent u an anons a while ago that i dont use tumblr but i periodically check ur blog bcus it specifically rocks & im back. i listened to an album u recommended on here but im curtailed by the character lim to give a review so i typed out a real time extremely long reaction to the songs LOL definitely the logical nextstep. its @ pastebin.com/Ejd8E9VX idk if im allowed to link shit on tumblr?? anyway i hope to get around 2 other musiks u like bcus i lovedd this btw its get to heaven that i listened to THANK U 🎀🙇‍♂️💋💗💗💗

HEY YOU HAVE AN AWESOME WAY OF TALKING ABOUT MUSIC. GRINS SO MUCH. i’m glad you enjoyed gth it’s so so special to me genuinely the album of all time …. my favorite songs off it are s/s/w/d the wheel and blast doors Lways a joy to see someone go crazy about them

^ really fond of this descriptor here also i think it succinctly puts a lot of what i love about ee’s songwriting down into words…. the weird entanglement of love and hate and confusion and clarity it’s a very very special moodset

also YEAH the way you described the vocals…. the early everything everything albums play a lot with like. roughness and scratchiness and the kind of ‘animalistic’ register of the human voice. (honestly everything before raw data feel. this is literally because the singer just decided to learn how to sing in high registers without falsetto for the first time which is like cool but also AUGH i miss that old sound

OK SO the thing about this bit

absolutely YES the thing about get to heaven is that it’s literally just like. a complete album of bangers. going down through their other stuff is gonna be a little more rocky, you might enjoy the like once-per-album weird slow ballads you might not, even though i’m lazy about listening to some of their weaker stuff when i do go through the entire albums i still find a lot of quirks in the instrumentation or lyrics that manage to impress me. i’d recommend delving into either man alive or arc next those are basically on par with gth although a bit more weird and morose? if you’re feeling it id then recommend raw data feel which oscillates more around pop/new wave but still has some really interesting musical constructions, gets extremely electronic and synthy…. a fever dream is like a 50/50 split between really long slow songs which are just Fine and really fast heavy bangers. just go listen to notln, can’t do, desire, good shot, run the numbers and ivory tower LOL. uhhhh reanimator is arguably their weakest album probably the most unremarkable but it’s also like my second favorite right after get to heaven. it’s weird and glowy and flimsier than their other tunes. that enchants me i guess…. they’ve also got an upcoming album that once again seems to be more pop oriented, cold reactor is the best of the singles they’ve released for it yet. what else. there’s like a youtube playlist out there of demo/outtakes/non album stuff that you can find real easy, there’s some really good stuff in there. personal favorites are the come alive diana demo, even the dogs and dna dump

ok so the fucking thing about the “lore” of this album. there technically isn’t any and most of ee’s albums are a per-song thing usually revolving around like. modern social commentary. the genius pages for most of their songs have like. direct songwriting annotations by the band and explain the thought process behind them. however for gth there’s also like a small layer of overarching lore about this one guy called thomas silhouette as a character. he’s not so much the crux of any narrative or presence as much as he’s just like. funny anagram arising from a lyric in fortune 500 that gets alluded to in later albums because he’s loosely representative of a lot of themes that get tackled in ee songs like capitalism and dread and shit like that

[earlgreytea68]

A Post About Identity and “A Little Less ‘Sixteen Candles’...”

Fall Out Boy has a song called “A Little Less ‘Sixteen Candles,’ a Little More ‘Touch Me.’” You might know it because it has a ridiculous Fall Out Boy title. You might know it because it has a ridiculous Fall Out Boy video. This is a song all about identity and expectations and struggling with both

and, if you want to read it that way, Pete struggling with sexuality

After all, what is a vampire if not a metaphor with forbidden sexual desires???

Anyway, this is a song where Pete, over and over, fails to play the role that he thinks he should be playing, that he thinks everyone expects him to play. The title originally was “A Little Less Molly Ringwald, a Little More Samantha Fox,” which underlines how much the song is about identity: Who are you supposed to be? Which of these people? Couldn’t you fit yourself into the proper box?

It opens with an apology (”I messed up”) and the image of trying to “dress up” to get past the situation he’s put himself in. If he could just find the right costume for the moment, surely he could fix everything. Now, how he’s messed up is never explicit in the song, although it’s a song focused entirely on his failure. The only thing he seems to have failed to do is to kiss a girl.

He’s talking to “the girl all the boys want to dance with,” but he separates himself out from those boys. He’s not the boy who wants to dance with her. He’s the “boy who’s had too many chances.” She’s the girl everyone wants and she keeps giving him a shot but he cannot close the deal (”I messed up”).

The chorus is so explicitly about identity: embracing it vs. rejecting it, figuring out what’s authentic and what’s not. “I don’t blame you for being you, but you can’t blame me for hating it.” And then the very next line is “what are you waiting for? kiss her! kiss her!” In this chorus wrestling with identity and blame and loathing, the main command is to just kiss the girl already! This doesn’t seem like a difficult task to be given, but he keeps missing the boat: “I set my clocks early ‘cuz you know I’m always late.” He cannot get his act together. It should be the easiest thing in the world, she’s the girl all the boys want to dance with and you’ve had so many chances, what are you waiting for, just kiss her. But for some reason he’s always late.

The second verse revolves around this failure: “write me off, give up on me, what did you expect.” “I’m just off,” he says, an apparent diagnosis of his problem. Nothing more specific than I’m not what I’m supposed to be, I’m not right, I’m just off. “A lost cause, a long shot, don’t even take this bet.” It’s a veritable suffocation of self-condemnation. What is wrong with me? Just ignore me, I’m not worth your time. He just cannot get himself into the part he’s supposed to be playing.

And even when he does, he doesn’t do it right: “you can make all the moves, you can aim all the spotlights, get all the sighs and moans just right.” This is sex as performance, not as something you want to do but as the part you've got to play. And you can get it all right, but it still won't feel right, you'll still end up out in the cold (”sleeping on your folks' porch again”), “dreaming” of something else entirely, while the girl snarls at you, "Why don't you just drop dead.”

This song is allllll about identity, it's in every single lyric of the song. It really reads like a song struggling with knowing who you're supposed to be and somehow never being able to get it right, no matter how hard you try, just always being off and never making people happy, you set your clocks early because you know you're always going to be late.

[ariaxjohnson]

if you’re hearing DON'T KILL MY VIBE by SIGRID playing, you have to know ARIA JOHNSON (SHE/HER; CIS WOMAN) is near by! the TWENTY FIVE year old BARTENDER has been in denver for, like, TWO YEARS. they’re known to be quite IMPULSIVE, but being ASSERTIVE seems to balance that out. or maybe it’s the fact that they resemble KRISTINE FROSETH. personally, i’d love to know more about them seeing as how they’ve got those LATE NIGHT PHONE CALLS, ESCAPE PLANS & SPONTANEOUS ROAD TRIPS vibes. and maybe i’ll get my chance if i hang out around the RINO DISTRICT long enough!

Musings // Pinterest // Playlist

S T A T I S T I C S

GENERAL

NAME: Aria Johnson AGE: 25 HEIGHT: 5'6 BIRTHDAY: August 20th OCCUPATION: Bartender at Hell & High Water

PERSONALITY

ZODIAC: Leo sun, Scorpio moon, Gemini Rising MBTI: ESTP - T ENNEAGRAM: 8w7 POSITIVE TRAITS: assertive, adventurous, confident NEGATIVE TRAITS: impulsive, impatient, reticent

HEALTH

ALCOHOL: Often DRUGS: occasionally PHYSICAL: n/a PSYCHOLOGICAL: BPD, PTSD, C-PTSD

M I S C / F U N F A C T S

- There is not a single Sigrid or CHVRCHES song that Aria doesn't relate to - Very much a "leave before get left" approach to life - Would absolutely carry vodka in a waterbottle, and what of it - Honestly takes pride in how aloof and guarded she is. Kind of treats it as a game sometimes, finding amusement in people trying to "figure her out" - yet still desperately wants someone to understand her even though she self sabotages so much they eventually get tired of her games - expect many late night texts if you're friends w/ her a;sdgja - so. much. anger

W A N T E D C O N N E C T I O N S

- Drinking buddies - Ex's (romantic or platonic!) - Confidants - Childhood friends (that likely lost touch) - Friends she used to live with (would be right after high school, a group of friends moved in together and had a huge falling out, which was the spark for Aria to pack up and move to Denver) - Found Family vibes !!!!!! - And really anything else!

B I O G R A P H Y:

( TW: Abandonment, Emotional abuse, Grooming, Suicidal ideation/attempt )

TLDR: Aria was a competitive figure skater and an olympic hopeful. However, between the pressure her mother placed on her, the muddied boundaries between her and her coach, the fall right before the Olympic trials was merely the last straw that broke the camel's back. She found Denver to be an escape from all of the pressure and expectation.

Aria used to joke that she learned how to ice skate before she learned how to walk. As far back as she could remember, prodigy, a natural, Olympic hopeful were all labels orbiting around her. Her entire world revolved around the ice. When she wasn't actively competing, she was rigorously training. Sleep was the only break she'd get from skating, and she'd still be perfecting every technique in her dreams. Before long, several competitions in, she established a reputation for herself for her relentless precision, almost feeling more machine than human. And with her growing success, she began to realize she'd only hear from her father, who left before Aria could form any meaningful memories of him, when she won something. Yet no matter how many competitions she finished first in, or how exceptional her score was, there was always something to criticize. At least, that was how she rationalized her mother screaming and shouting behind closed doors, ridiculing and degrading her for every tiny mistake, even ones that the judges themselves didn't even seem to notice.

Her coach, on the other hand, couldn't cease to sing her praises. Always asking her to demonstrate for the others, being the first to teach her more advanced techniques, and expressing more pride than she ever had felt from her mother. Yet even with the pedestal he put her on, she felt like he was the only one who still treated her like a person. He understood things at home were difficult, an understatement at best, and he would lend an ear to any vents she needed to get off her chest. In time, he trusted her with his own burdens and troubles at home. Conflicts with his wife, excusing and problem solving ways to hide his own infidelity, and more. None of which he should have looked for support from a child. Even as boundaries started to waver, Aria couldn't comprehend the red flags. Not only was she a child, but one who lacked any sense of comfort or nurture from the one who was supposed to love her the most in the entire world. He made her feel important. As though she had a place in the world. As though she mattered.

Her peers training alongside her began to be more perceptive to his favoritism. Some took it out on Aria herself, whereas others were more confused and occasionally concerned. Unbeknownst to Aria, her coach shifted in his treatment towards her. At least, publicly. Calling her on each mistakes loud enough for people on the other side of the country to hear, with so much contempt that she couldn't help but wonder at times if he and her mother exchanged notes on how to cut her down most efficiently. Yet, whenever they were alone, his sweet, caring persona would be back. He'd even explain to her that the others didn't understand, and he couldn't have them get the wrong idea. She bought the excuse, even as it formed a strange pit in her stomach - tying into knots as it felt like she was a secret. Still, she just reminded herself that he didn't really mean it every time he made her feel like the dirt under his shoe that he was trying to scrape off anytime they were in the presence of others.

At fifteen, she could start to see a light at the end of the tunnel, after putting her blood sweat and tears into training. The Olympic trials were right around the corner, and she felt more confident than ever. Her coach even was easing up on her. She finally felt like she was doing something right. However, during practice, after hours and hours of overexerting herself, she missed her landing, her ankle bending in a way she never knew it could before, and let out a harrowing yelp. And for as much pain as she was in, she wouldn't be able to recall it if she tried to retell the story present day - the only pain she could remember was every cruel word that felt like spears piercing through her from her coach. After a while, his voice became muffled - in fact, everything did… it was like she had slipped underwater and she was just hearing indistinguishable shouts from above the surface. Until finally, she couldn't take it anymore, and she took off her skates, and stormed out - or as best as she could with a sprained ankle, more so hopping than anything.

When she got outside, she had no incline as to where she wanted to go, just anywhere but there. And the adrenaline coursing through her veins failed to remember the rink leading directly to a busy intersection. Was she so out of it that she couldn't perceive the cars zipping down the road? Or did she just not care? Either way, she woke up to fluorescent overhead lights, persistent beeping of monitors, and a nurse informing her that she was lucky to be alive. The entire duration of the time she was in casts, her mother could hardly stand to look at her. As if she was the one who worked so hard and dedicated her entire life to this one dream that shattered along with the bones in her body. Aria was lost… Knowing it'd be a miracle if she ever got herself to skate again, and impossible to ever perform as well as she had before, she didn't know who she was anymore.

She started staying out late, going to any party she could find only to go to school hungover having slept barely an hour. Teachers noticed her shift and were understandably concerned. But no matter how many times the counselors would try to get through to her, she was intent on her mission to self destruct. After spending so much of her life maintaining a perfect image to satisfy those who didn't know the meaning of the word, it felt liberating to let herself fall apart for everyone to see.

Having no interest in continuing her education to college, Aria moved in with a few friends and lived paycheck to paycheck with any minimum wage jobs they could find. Yet drama ensued, as she was beginning to realize it inevitably did wherever she seemed to go. With the money she saved, she moved out and ventured in search of a place where no one knew her and there were no ghosts from her past, finding that haven in Denver, Colorado when she was twenty three.

[jeonqkooks]

I seriously don't get it. Like, you can be a fan of an actor or a director and it doesn't mean you automatically love every single movie they've ever been in or made. You can talk normally with other fans about what you loved and what you didn't. And *gasp* you might have different opinions because taste is subjective! And just because it's not your type of movie doesn't mean you won't give it a chance or not be excited about the next one.

Why is the attitude towards BTS so different? Hell, sometimes they don't even love the work they put out or change their minds on it as their tastes evolve. You can support and love JK and wish for his happiness and success without vibing with every single thing he does. And it's ok to talk to each other about it without it being classified as a personal attack on the artist. The whole point of art is to provoke thought and discussion!

i think the reason why the attitude is different toward bts is bc kpop fandoms (and maybe this fandom especially) are toxic as hell 😭 the kpop fandom culture sucks and i think we can all agree on this. literally anything less than absolute worship is considered “hate” and (as you said) “a personal attack on the artist”, which i think is stupid as hell because ??? make it make sense. 😑

yeah i don’t know why it’s such a “controversial” thing to have an opinion that’s different than the majority of the fandom, an opinion that doesn’t include always screaming about how much you love bts and the thing they’re doing. i say bts but honestly i only ever see this kind of stuff happening with jk. 95% of the discourse i come across is jk discourse.

i am literally a jk stan. we all know that. if i love a thing he does, i’ll proudly say it. i can yell about how much i love Stay Alive all day long. you guys KNOW how much this blog used to revolve around jk. clearly i am not “out to get him” and i am not lurking in the shadows with my little rat hands waiting for him to release new content just so i can dunk on him. 😑

as a fan and a literal consumer of his music, i am allowed to have certain expectations. he doesn’t seem to be going down the direction that i would’ve liked, and that’s perfectly fine. you do you, boo 😗 if it’s not my taste, then it’s not my taste. but i’m still allowed to have my opinions on this and i’m still allowed to express them.

expressing my disappointment does not mean that i hate him or i don’t support him anymore. it’s as simple as that, but apparently even that is still a very hard pill for a lot of people to swallow. “but they see everything!” okay lol i can guarantee you (not you anon, just people in general) that bts are not creeping on my tumblr blog and taking notes of every single thing that i’m saying about them. even if they are, i can still guarantee you that they do not care lol. me not listening to a song/album literally will not affect their streams at all. it will not affect their revenue in any way. jk is still a multi millionaire whether or not i listen to or buy jjk1. he does not give a shit about me because he does not know i exist lol.

with that said, a big reason why i am PISSED is because of the fans. jk doesn’t care about me, do you think he’s crying in his room because i said i didn’t like a song? do you think that he - a 26-year-old grown ass adult and global superstar with 10 years of experience under his belt - cannot handle criticism? do you think he’s a baby in an adult man’s body or something that you feel like you personally have to defend him against any and all criticism? that you have a duty to make sure that he doesn’t hear anything less than positive that people have to say about him?

if your answer is yes, then, well, idk what else to say to you lol.

but if your answer is no, and you still come after people for having different opinions, then lol sorry i think you’re weird 🤷‍♀️ why can i only speak my mind when it’s something along the lines of “OH MY GOD I LOVE IT SO MUCH. ALBUM OF THE CENTURY”? when i say something as simple as “i’m a little disappointed by this. this isn’t something i really vibe with,” i’m considered a hater, an anti, and told to shut the fuck up? why can i only say what i really think when it aligns with what the majority of the fandom is thinking?

i am not attacking jk by not being into his music. i am not attacking jk stans by having a different opinion than they do. i am literally just being honest about what i think, my opinions which only affect me. what is so hard to understand about that lol

another point that i would like to touch on is when people say things like “but why can’t you let people enjoy it?” erhm. i’m not going into people’s inboxes and screaming in people’s faces “I DON’T LIKE IT, SO WHY DO YOU? YOU SHOULDN’T LIKE IT EITHER!” 😑 if my not liking the music ruins your fun, if it genuinely hurts and upsets you, then maybe you should take a step back from all of this and reevaluate. if you are hurt by an online stranger having a different opinion than you about something as simple as MUSIC (which is subjective to everyone’s personal taste) made by someone you will never know, then i don’t think the internet is for you, honestly.

[lordoftherazzles]

Funniest passage from a fic

Thank you for another tag game, @i-did-not-mean-to!! This one is REALLY hard okay??

Honestly, this all revolves around one fic, the most crackshit thing I’ll probably ever write, and it’s always the best place to go whenever I’m feeling silly, it is absolutely the funniest, and that’s → Where The Shadows Lie

Chapter 2: Fucking Airpods

“What’s so important down here, Frerin?” “You have to watch this. I’ve discovered something today about modern technology that may help us in the future.” “This hardly seems important.” They came to a stop near the desk, watching Bilbo tap a pen against a notebook and seem focused on looking over some numbers. No doubt it was just business work, to which Thorin found incredibly boring right at the get-go. “Bilbo Baggins is a fucking twink,” Frerin cheerfully spoke, and Thorin practically squawked at the lack of manners. “Frerin!” Thorin hissed between his teeth, face ultimately twisting into something rather hostile before feeling a hand pat his chest to keep him from either tearing into Frerin or making a move to gain Bilbo’s attention. Thorin may not have found the human enjoyable, but there was still a thing called decorum. Something that Frerin severely lacked it seemed. “He can’t hear me. I’ve been standing down here for a while trying to get his attention with no response when he wears those little white things in his ears. They must be...super-powered or something!” Frerin could see the skepticism on Thorin’s face. “I even had Ori try. He’s nice enough that Mister Baggins wouldn’t ignore him, but he didn’t seem to hear the lad! Watch-” “Frerin, that’s enough.” “Bilbo, Thorin here is only a big huge grump because he hasn’t gotten laid in about six decades. He thinks you’re very handsome and wants to make freaky wild vampire sex with you-” “Frerin!” Thorin had his hands at Frerin’s collar, shaking the blond and noticing Bilbo shifted only when the desk was knocked a bit by that shaking. As Bilbo plucked one of the white earbuds from his ears, Thorin came to a halt, staring at Bilbo with a lump in his throat. “Thorin, Frerin, is something the matter?” Bilbo’s tone was calm and even, sounding oblivious to just about everything right now. “We were just talking about how nice this place was. I was showing Thorin some of the lovely pieces you have hanging about here. He has an eye for pretty and sharp things.” Frerin was grinning nearly from ear to ear, Thorin as pale as a sheet, which wasn’t a far cry from his normal hue if anything. “Thanks! My mother did most of the decorating around here, I’m glad you two enjoy it so much.” Though Bilbo wasn’t unaware of the words Frerin had been spilling all evening and had to keep from laughing to expose just how much he knew. Poor Thorin looked uncomfortable, and that was a great reward. Bilbo swore he could see a bit of that floppy hat Bofur wore from around one of the corners that led into the sitting room. “If you’re interested, I have a collection of old swords and daggers she used to bring me that I could show you sometime before your departure.” “That would be lovely, Bilbo. Thorin does so love to play with swords, and I’m sure he’d love to see yours.” And as if on cue, a terrible cue, Frerin was a small squeaky little bat, escaping before Thorin could throttle him any longer. “I…” Thorin cleared his throat and tried not to flounder as he felt a wave of exhaustion hit him out of the blue. “Good evening.” Tactful as ever, and Thorin made his exit on foot, tiresome as it was.

Non-obligatory tags for @necrobratz @fantasyinallforms @pomgore @sunnyrosewritesstuff @frosticenow @the-girl-with-the-algebra-book @blairsanne and anyone else who wants to play!