#it took me a week to write this god

[mattodore]

pay attention to theo’s beautiful face and not whatever matthias’s arm is doing... i liked the lighting more here than against the wall

[medicalunprofessional]

‘ My skin is metallic now, no longer an elegant powder blue ‘

- King Crimson. Lyrics to “Dig Me”

[swordsmans]

ocean theology

“Zoro—”

“Did you know?” he repeats, desperate, and Luffy just looks at him. And he wonders, then, how much of this has been preordained—how much of this is real, how much of this is him. How much of what he’s felt since they were wedged side-to-side in a shitty wooden boat on the East Blue has actually mattered, and how much has been the universe pressing him down into the mold of someone else's heart.

And then Luffy is gripping his horns, bringing his forehead down to meet his, repeating, “Zoro? Zoro?” like his name is a mantra, like he’s gone somewhere far away and gotten lost on his way back.

And Zoro blinks at him, then, and sees both of them at once—both of them—and he grips Luffy’s face in his own hands (claws) and presses his lips (violent, full of teeth) against his. Because this is who he has been waiting a thousand years for, the brightest and most beautiful of them all, the one thing he could never have—could never see, not if (Luffy, Joyboy, Nika) had made different (worse) choices—the thing that could never thrive in the darkness, just like he could never (has been unable to for centuries) survive without it—

pairing: roronoa zoro/monkey d. luffy

word count: 40,565

ao3 tags: canon-compliant reincarnation; melodrama (affectionate); spoilers through the end of wano; mild body horror (horns teeth claws); it's about the Yearning and the Devotion; graphic depictions of violence; archive warnings are for violence inflicted BY the crew not ON the crew; hurt/comfort/comedy at a 30/60/10 ratio; 40k words and i forgot to write "Asura" even once

[asummersday]

hey! i'm not dead!! :D

So, here’s the thing. Leo never really realized how many things were casually phrased as orders until he got cursed. Turns out, it’s a lot more than he originally thought.

[bbreaddog]

.

[scranbatteries]

my front bottoms cds came, infinity on high is 17 today*, good kid announced a new single, bad day for anyone who has to deal with me

*when i wrote this people in other time zones were saying it was the day but it came out on the 6th which is actually not the 5th Oops

[factorialsotherfandoms]

QSMP x XCOM(2) playlist!

It is subject to change and I will try update it when I add new music. And someday it'll get cover art. For now, though, the track listing as is. It's kinda in 2 sections (songs providing fic titles and then vibe songs). You will note that who I associate things with and who gets the lyrics as their titles don't often match, and I am extremely biased towards my faves, and even more biased to characters I've actually written in this au.

Also of course music is subjective and my analysis is not the only analysis a commenter on ao3 just asked me when I showed them the playlist so I thought I'd share it with everyone.

Each title in the whys also has a link to a youtube version for people without spotify <3

Oh Darling - Plug In Stereo ft. Cady Groves Title music for 'Til Hell Starts To Freeze. Tonally it's massively off track for most of the series, but it's cute and it's fun and I love it.

So just take a chance, try to hold my hand I swear I’d never let go Just let me know if you’d be my man

2. The Call - 2WEI, League of Legends, and Louis Leibfried From the Regret Arc animatic. You know the one. It provides the title to 'Hold The Last Burning Ember', and just generally has very vibes. This is particularly true of any and all of the characters who were involved with the initial invasion. Due to the association with the Regret Arc, I do associate it a little more heavily with the Brazilians, though it's also very appropriate for Philza, BBH, Mariana and, weirdly enough now I think, Spreen.

For the beat and the broken For the lost and forsaken Let us never surrender May we rise unto the call

3. This Will End - The Oh Hellos Title provider for 'The Kind of Love of Which I Speak'. In different places it has the vibes of various different characters - notably Pac and Roier, also kinda Fit but the vibes are all off for him. It's a song which discusses being afraid of being alive, of giving love and never getting it back, of being passively suicidal and welcoming death if it comes but still praying for an ending where you love and are loved in return. There's many ways to read any song and I'm getting more into this one than the others for some reason, but to me it's a song about choosing to keep going when it hurts, to keep loving when you're empty, to see a world with nothing beautiful left and to still believe beauty can be attained. It goes pain-hope-confusion-pain-hope, and idk I just like their music and this one vibes a lot with the whole thing where for a lot of the main characters in this au (and a lot of me writing it) it's not so much about defeating the aliens and winning the war as it is allowing severely hurting people to heal, and those who never had a chance to discover what love is, and to build their families for themselves. A good one just for the vibes of the sort of angst I write.

I can hope how this will end With every line, a comedy That we can learn to love without demand With unreserved honesty

4. Sing Me To Sleep - Alan Walker One of a handful of songs I associate with XCOM2 over before anything else. Lyrics from this song are used mostly-consistently for the entire Mike being kidnapped arc - everything except the bit I wrote way back when with Philza and Fit - from capture to rescue. I am reasonably sure it's about someone dying but eeeeeeh only MCD are people who perma-die in canon! And some of them even get to escape! Because of how I used it I heavily associate this one specifically with Tazercraft, but it does have vibes for a fair few of the more tragic or co-dependent groupings. Romantic or otherwise. Really it should be the memory egg's song, but it isn't. There's also some... darker reads with one of the characters, and how the story ends.

Remember me now, time cannot erase I can hear your whispers in my mind I've become what you cannot embrace Our memory will be my lullaby

5. Duerme Pequeño - Coro San Agustin Again not a super appropriate one atm, but was used for the fic with Trump. It's a Spanish lullaby. I cannot give you a lyrics snip for this one because my Spanish is non-existent and I can neither work out how to find them nor type them by ear. But like. Lullabies are just generally good once the kids are involved in the story.

6. The Only Hope For Me Is You - My Chemical Romance A classic, really. The entire Danger Days album is not inappropriate to this au, and picking out just a few pieces was extremely hard. This was one - specifically it is the song I associate with Cellbit and Felps, though many other groups could use it too. Though, more generally, it's Cellbit about any of the characters he considers friends, doubly so for family, and even himself as he tries to be better in a world that doesn't want to let him. Provides title for 'People Die In Purifying Flame' and also 'Because You're The Only Hope For Me'. Some of the lyrics are a little graphic in context, but the first verse really is hard on the whole everyone dead thing. And just generally Cellbit not doing... great when on his own. But also striving for a better future for the people he loves even if it means destroying himself to save them.

And its partly that last line that makes it Felps not anyone else.

If that's the best that I could be? Than I'd be another memory Can I be the only hope for you? Because you're the only hope for me And if we can't find where we belong We'll have to make it on our own Face all the pain and take it on Because the only hope for me is you alone

7. Anything For You - Ludo Generic title I know, but this is the song I was thinking of when I titled 'Anything For You'. Or rather, the one stuck in my head on a loop. Vibes are very bouncy compared to the rest of this playlist, and it really is any of the combos who are friends or partners or other in this au. It's not... suuuuper fitting but I like it and I used it so it's here. Far better for Happy Ending AU, but frankly both of the aus are heavy on the community as saving the world and only combined are we strong and the best reward is to grow old with your loved ones.

Anything for you All of this is true But the best story that I could ever tell Is the one where I am growing old with you

8. Things We Lost In The Fire - Bastille Is it really a playlist without some Bastille? Look this is literally any group who knew each other pre-invasion - Favela 5, Mystery Twins (though theirs dates back longer), Philza & Fit, BBH & Foolish & Maxo, The French... Provides the title for 'The Future's In Our Hands And We Will Never Be The Same Again', a fic with Mike and Cellbit. And I think it's especially fitting for them, at least out of their combo of 5, because sparks do fly a bit when they interact, no matter the care. I also think it's really good for Bagi in this au? Especially the little bit I've picked out here.

I read them all one day When loneliness came and you were away Oh they told me nothing new But I love to read the words you used

9. The Sound Of Silence - Disturbed Another XCOM2 over QSMP song, largely thanks to the fanmade trailer below (er, violence, explosions, gunsfire, yk)

Some of the footage in it is XCOM: Enemy Unknown, the game to which XCOM2 is a sequel. But, yeah, song I very associate just with the game and the whole thing. If I haaaaad to attach this to a character it would probably be Philza for... reasons I don't think I've talked about anywhere? Him or Foolish for very different reasons.

Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence

10. Nemo - Nightwish TBH, I just like it. If I had to pin something down, one answer is Cellbit and another is the three demons. I think I'd specifically pick out Tina for this one. She's not really someone I'd associate with this sort of music, but she's certainly the one who has buried herself the furthest. She would like redemption and she'd like it yesterday, please. Unfortunately, she's also a demonic assassin so... Good luck to her. Really it is just a very cool song, though.

My flower, withered between The pages two and three The once and forever bloom gone with my sins

11. Battle Scars - Paradise Fears (Acoustic Version) Honestly the whole song is great. It's really not anyone specific, but it has very heavy vibes for the whole group. Literally everyone hits beats here. Everyone's fucked up and a fuck up, and they're still gonna try and save their world and drag everyone else along with them gdi.

I'll carry you home No, you're not, alone Keep marching on This. Is. Worth. fighting for You know we've, all got battle scars

12. Plant Life - Owl City My brainworm of the year so far. I'm not really sure what to say about this other than it gives me an extremely specific image and I thiiiiink it's Slimecicle

I've been longing for daisies to push through the floor And I wish plant life would grow all around me So, I won't feel dead anymore So, I won't feel dead anymore

13. Defeated - Bad Suns Again, another song which really could be anyone. And I don't really... have a lot to pick apart on it. So, just enjoy!

I don't wanna be all alone and defeated Who can I be besides me? 'Cause I hate it I don't wanna be left alone, uncompleted, no I don't wanna be all alone and defeated, no

14. Keep You Safe - JJ Heller A lullaby! For all the little eggies I haven't written yet, and their fiercely protective parents. And the gently protective parents. And all the tios and tias who look after them, too. For the 'younger' eggies it's needed, for the 'older' ones maybe it's just good to have someone chase away the awful for you. Either way, their parents will keep the monsters away now. There's nothing to fear in their dreams (except that the monsters who haunt them and want to steal them are very, very real...)

My love is a light Driving away all of your fear So don’t be afraid Remember I made a promise to keep you safe

15. Saints An' Sinners - Whitesnake IDK this again just has vibes. There's something here with Tina once again, but also it really is kinda. There's a whole mess of people in the Order, many of them having done terrible things, many of them having done wonderful things. There's something about the irreverent reverence the song gives to higher powers that just. IDK there's something of the vibes of the group in the tone of the song. A combination of saints and sinners - many of them being both depending who you ask - in a defiance against the order. Given a lot of this song about being thankful sounds sarcastic to my ear oops lol

Saints an' sinners Priests an' thieves Saints an' sinners Priests an' thieves For what we are about to receive May the Lord make us truly thankful

16. Glitter & Gold - Barns Courtney Not sure what to say here. It is just a good song about like... 'I am flesh and I am bone - arise, ting ting, like glitter and gold. I've got fire in my soul, rise up, ting ting, like glitter'. It's a call of life to life, demanding humanity wake up and come forth. Marching song of the order, perhaps, with flesh on their bones and fire in their souls and demanding an answer and demanding the world goes on.

Do you walk in the valley of kings? Do you walk in the shadow of men Who sold their lives to a dream? Do you ponder the manner of things In the dark? The dark, the dark, the dark

17. Enough To Go By - Vienna Teng I am just... this song. Separation and rejoining and its love love love but love might not be enough to save anyone, but you're trying anyway. It's just... Every relationship in this series that hurts. It's Felps and his family, it's Tazercraft, it's Wilbur and Philza, it's Fit and basically anyone, it's Foolish and BBH and Maxo, it's Maxo and Dan, it's Spreen and Missa and Roier in any combination, Aypierre and Maxo, Aypierre and Antoine... The list goes on and on and on of characters who by one definition or another love each other to the world and back and it's never enough. It's coming back after seperation and asking am I good enough yet? I changed have you? I cannot force you to live but please, please, survive. This song is like. The song form of the gentler angst I write.

Would it be enough to go by If we could sail on the wind in the dark Cut those chains in the middle of the night That had you pulled apart Would it be enough to go by If there's moonlight pulling the tide Would it be enough to live on If my love couldn't keep you alive

18. The Fighter - Paradise Fears Again not really sure here, it's just... It's here. It just is. I have nothing clever to say this time. There's a lot of songs some are like that.

Now I do it for the Kids, people said never had a shot Never really caring if tomorrows gonna come or not We're all just a life that fates taking a chance on But this ain't our last dance, so baby dance on

19. Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back - My Chemical Romance Not everyone believes they can actually succeed. TBH, most of them don't believe there's a chance of victory, but everyone in the Order is still ready and willing and wanting to raise hell. Raise hell, try change the world, and more than anything else grab their friends' hands and run away together. It's especially true of some of the more... reckless sorts - Roier, Baghera, Foolish, Fit, Etoiles, backstory Philza, etc

I'll tell you well how the story ends Where the good guys die and the bad guys win (who cares?) This ain't about all the friends you made But the graffiti they write on your grave

20. Lady of Worlds - Miracle of Sound Look I haven't played the game this is a song about, but I still very much appreciate it. It's not the vibes for Jaiden, but it's not-not her vibes, you know? Same for Bagi. It's definitely something, though. Maybe you could argue Mouse? You could probably argue mouse.

Time and space on the frailest veil Frozen cold in the static Bloody blades under hatred's sails Tearing out through the fabric

21. Until The End - Breaking Benjamin Confession time - this song I know from Naruto AMVs in my childhood. It really could be any of the characters, but because they are my boys we're handing it to Tazercraft. Yes, both of them. Mostly backstory but frankly neither of them is great. As I said it could quite honestly be any of the characters at times, but I think they are the two who fit it most consistently. Something about there's nothing and you have nothing but you keep going anyway because you refuse to let them win even if you kind of want to die.

Why give up, why give in? It's not enough, it never is So I will go on until the end We've become desolate It's not enough, it never is But I will go on until the end

22. Go Get Your Gun - The Dear Hunter Something something violence something something. I don't think this one needs a whole lot of analysis to explain? The violence has been going on for so long of course it's treated with a combination of exasperation and irreverence.

Go get your gun, get your gun And lets find out what it does Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot We haven't won, and if we win And if the morning light sets in We've cheated fate again

23. Until The Day Is Done - R.E.M. It is known to be a song about the state of America (in 2008...), but it's also a very good song for just. The weary hopelessness of the situation the characters find themselves in.

As we've written our stories to entertain These notions of glory and bull market gain The teleprompt flutters, the power surge brings An easy speed message falls into routine

24. Laughter Lines - Bastille There's a good number of characters who knew each other and were separated by circumstances, to whom this can apply. But it also can apply to many others, the promise of the chance to grow old, and to do it together. Maybe not in the same place, but circling around and around each other. And like... a lot of them need that a lot of the time. Just pick yourself a ship - romantic or otherwise - and give it a go.

"I'll see you in the future when we're older And we are full of stories to be told Crossin' my heart and hope to die I'll see you with your laughter lines"

25. Working - I Fight Dragons I'll confess, I just wanted something from this album. A couple could have worked, but I liked this one best. It's disillusionment in the current system, whether that be irl or in the au series. It's not really a specific character, but more just the vibe of those who turn away from the Federation not for a specific moment of violence but a simple desire of something more, for something greater. While she's learnt more horrors since Jaiden somewhat falls into this catagory. She didn't leave because of horrors she discovered, she left her cushy admin job because it was just never quite... right. At first it was just a quiet 'this is wrong', and then she saw the horrors once she found other people and it was all peeled back...

Lie to me 'cause honestly I don't believe that you believe The lies you tried to feed to me Like keep your head down Happy isn't free

26. Barricade - Stars If you've done my music rambles before, you know that this is my Fit & Philza song. However in this AU where they've known each other for a very long time - on and off - it somehow is stronger. Apply the hate to hating the system they fight, and the love to them having been a couple in all but name back before the wasteland was sealed and they were forcibly separated, and there we go. It's so good here where they used to fight together, but Philza hung up his sword when the trauma got too much - even now he's support - while Fit went in deeper and harder and more violent. They're still very close, of course, but... Well... It's not what it was before. Ask me to ramble about them. I've written very little but god these two.

In Bermondsey in Burberry, you held me at the barricade, the pigs arrived with tear gas And I wept at the mistakes we made We stalked the streets like animals And danced as windows shattered For our island, for the thrill of it, for everything that mattered

27. Back To The Start - Michael Schulte I don't think it takes a genius to work out why some - many - of the characters would like to reset the timeline and go back to something simpler. I can't decide who this works best for, but probably for someone who was genuinely happy before things got complicated - Maxo, the Quackities, Bagi (even if before was a very long time ago for her)... I think especially, especially Bagi. She's not as stuck as she is in canon, but... She'd still give anything to be ten again and be playing in the woods with her brother.

If I could go, go into my heart And search for all the places I left the spark To find a way, way back to the olden days Before it started falling apart

28. To Them These Streets Belong - Rise Against Again, another how can I not band. I don't have much amazing reasoning here (and might add more from the album some time), just... go listen and you'll probably get it. This song is angry and they are too.

Head hung from shame we bear a weight That brings me to a crawl These years of longing tell decades Of unanswered calls For a change, 'cause everyday we slip and fall Kicked while we're down, our fists clench into ball

29. No Sound But The Wind - Editors And back onto the sad stuff. I don't mean that to be disparaging, but it's true. Very heavy vibes for before they got the airship together. The group was much smaller then, constantly on the move and on foot about it too. Even then, it's a quiet reflection on the state of everything. There aren't many parent-child groups prior to the Eggs, and the Eggs don't remember the before, but... yeeeeah... Sad vibes of the world, sung to someone you want to but cannot protect.

We walk through the ash And the charred remains of our country Keep an eye on my back I'll keep an eye on the road

30. The Beginning After The End - Stars This is mostly a music piece, so you get all the lyrics. Please enjoy it. The sound like a heartbeat building up into music, slowly growing and growing and growing and growing as more things are added, as more joins in. Dropping with a low beat, following through into something a little angrier before gaining back the dance, now merged, less bright but still continuing on. Life in the face of disaster, hope at the end of it all, there will be a morning to doubt what you've done, there will be an end and the music will only get there together. You'll fight and you'll fail and you'll get up and keep going and in the end... Will it be worth it? Well, you just have to get there to answer that, don't you?

Oh, the blood and the treasure And then losing it all The time that we wasted And the place where we fall Will we wake in the morning and know what it was all for? Up in our bedroom After the war

31. Oh, What A Life - American Authors God I don't know what to say here, just every lyric. The talk of burying your soul, forgetting who you are, fields of bodies and a longing for the past, and yet no matter how long it's been or how lost you feel you laugh and you cry and you sing, because you're human, no matter how burnt out you are, no matter the sins you've done, no matter the trauma and the trauma and the trauma and the fear you are still only human and perhaps it's with hysteria that you laugh, with reckless abandon that you dance, but you're laughing and dancing all the same. Maybe you don't accept it, not yet, but perhaps the first step to believing it'll be okay is to say it's fucking shit right now.

But I tried so hard, and we tried so hard And it's a long long road, that you told me so Yeah I tried so hard, to forget where we are And all we do is laugh and we sing

32. Angel With A Shotgun - The Cab It could be many things. This song could be so many things, it could be innocence lost because you're needed, it could be a meditation on holiness and unholiness and the meaninglessness of the distinction in times of crisis, it could just be that sometimes to survive you fuck shit up. But's it's literally called angel with a shotgun and Philza is right fucking there with, you guessed it, a motherfucking shotgun.

Get out your guns, battles begun Are you a saint, or a sinner? If loves a fight, than I shall die With my heart on a trigger

33. Lucky Ones - Lana Del Ray It is, technically, true that the characters in the Order are the lucky ones. They survived the invasion, dodged the kidnappings, escaped the cities and the aliens don't even pretend it's a paradise anymore because people are just used to it. Doesn't mean it feels like it, though. It's a love song, so take your pick of couples, and maybe it's actually sad about love being hard or rare but maybe you can turn it to all the deaths and the horror and the violence and maybe, just maybe, this time they'll get out alive.

Let's get out of this town, baby, we're on fire Everyone around here seems to be going down, down, down If you stick with me, I can take you higher and higher It feels like all of our friends are lost Nobody's found, found, found

34. Polaroid Picture - Frank Turner This was added to the list with the thought of Forever's office and the photographs on the wall, and the clinging to the memories of his friends who have been torn away from him.. If you'd rather not think about him... Well, there's plenty of other characters with close relationships who would do anything to hold onto little memories. And there's plenty of chances that those memories will be all they have left, soon enough...

Let go of the little distractions Hold close to the ones that you love Because we won't all be here this time next year So while you can take a picture of us

35. The Sun Is Also A Warrior - Leslie Fish The Federation does offer global peace, this is true. Under the single government no war continues, via methodology of harshly suppressing life and freedom. And, just as the man in the song learns, perhaps, perhaps, it is not worth it.

"Go rebuild now," the old god said "Feed the living and bury the dead And remember this when you speak of war And think upon what is worth fighting for"

36. That's Okay - The Hush Sound I could say this is about the handful of dead characters, or about the Eggs who have been created and mistreated and abused and just want each other and to be safe, but no. When I listen I don't think of anyone who is actually unloved, I don't think of anyone who will be forgotten - I think of Tazercraft and their inability to believe anyone but each other could ever love them. This was originally the last song on the list, I've just been adding a few more since. I should probably put it back to last but eh.

And when you're gone, will they say your name? And when you're gone, will they love you the same? If not, that's okay.

37. Way Down We Go - KAELO Not a song I know well, but I got it on shuffle and thought the vibes fit. There's nothing clever here, that's it. I've listened to it maybe twice I don't have strong thoughts.

Oh, 'cause they will run you down, down 'til the dark Yes and they will run you down, down 'til you fall And they will run you down, down 'til you go Yeah, so you can't crawl no more

38. Happier - Marshmello, Bastille Again, not one I know well, just vibes. Lyrics wise it could easily be Fit and Spreen, but just listen and vibe and enjoy.

Then only for a minute I want to change my mind 'Cause this just don't feel right to me I wanna raise your spirits I want to see you smile but Know that means I'll have to leave

39. Afraid Of The Dark - Chef'Special Recommended by rabbit-harpist! This song gives me different character vibes in different places, but largely Baghera, Pac, Mike, and Missa. Of all combos. The idea of trying to face your fear and make friends with it is very Missa thing to do, I feel. But the Pac and Mike is the bit about doing better and the utter wreck of either and both of them's mental health, even compared to everyone else. It's still mostly Missa to me. He's doing his best and his best is worth doing and he might be doing it scared and he might want the comfort but gdi he's trying. And Baghera... Poor Baghera, you'll see eventually.

I am still afraid of the dark Even though there's a sky full of stars I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on the run Can you leave a little light on?

40. The London Air Raids - Vian Izak Once again recommended by rabbit-harpist. There's so many pairings - friends and romantic - this one could be. I know Rabbit thinks of Phil/Missa and yes that's a very good one here! I have also deemed this one Felps vibes. With, quite frankly, any of his friends. Frankly it's anything soft but angsty. And, frankly, there's a lot of that in this au. It's like. The vibe. Ripping out splinters and all that.

But I know that I'm safe here with you 'Cause we made it through everything, the old and the new Just wake me up when all this is over Wake me up and tell me it's not true

Honourable Mention: How Far We've Come - Matchbox Twenty Recommended by guestcom2 over on ao3 and they are correct in that this song should, by all rights, be on the playlist. It is nearly perfect. It is however too ingrained in my own mind as associated with a LARP I used to play in for me ever to be able to project anything else onto it. Sorry. >.<

Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend, Let's see how far we've come Let's see how far we've come

[punch-love]

people always ask me why I write fanfiction instead of focusing on publishing original work and the answer is that fanfiction is literally THE writing training ground of all time and every time I get stuck on a project and it takes me three months to resolve it I'm always so happy that I didn't have to do that on a deadline.

[thawthebeez]

see you next week :)

[boxwinebaddie]

good news: i’m starting to enjoy writing again

bad news: one of the children got me Violently ILL, i have a splitting migraine, my lungs feel like paper bags, i genuinely want to d*e but i can’t call out because my coworker is still out ( enjoy your slaycation, king! ) and i have to cover all of our classes on my own <3 yay

[boilingheart]

i beat bg3 today but the ending i got for gale soured the entire fucking experience now i have to go back over a hundred hours to go redo this shit so i can get the "good" ending because what i just got simply was NOT IT

[tirednapentity]

Day 5: In loving memory of

@sergeantsporks

I have to admit that this one… got away from me a bit. It’s way longer than I wanted it to be and I’m a bit uncertain wether it fits the prompt. This is also perhaps one of the most angst things I’ve ever written. 

They’re back on that damned bridge. Or, at least what’s left of it. Over half of it is gone, leaving a narrow strip of stone that thy’re running around on, desperately trying not to die. Above them, their foe twists and turns in the air, laughing loudly as they strike left and right.

And in the middle of it all, is Hunter. He’s shaking with adrenaline, running, jumping, throwing everything he has and is into this fight. Panic blurs his vision - until he turns his head at a terrified yell coming from his left. And suddenly his entire world is narrowing down to Gus, crouched down low and eyes wide in fear, and the shadow looming over him, golden light flashing in his vision. He moves, faster than the eye can follow, slamming into him and putting his body in front of Gus’s. The blow connects with his side, and then he’s stumbling – they both are – and there’s suddenly no ground under his feet.

Air rushes by them. Gus screams, right by his ear, and Hunter thinks he might be screaming too. It’s kind of hard to tell, with the air rushing by him as they plummet. He thrusts out a hand, grabbing onto Gus’s arm as tightly as he can, while the other fumbles to get a grip on his staff. His fingers barely close around it, but it’s enough. It has to be, or else they’re going to end up nothing more than two mangled bodies on the floor.  

Wooden wings beat the air, and their descent begins to slow, just as Hunter thinks they might not make it after all. It can’t be called flying, with Hunter hanging onto the staff with one hand and grabbing Gus with the other. Hopefully it’ll be enough for them not to die upon impact. His hands are slick with sweat, trembling with exertion as he tries to hold on.

They still hit the ground hard. It knocks the air from his lungs all over again, and for a single second before he punches himself to his feet, he just lays there, trying to make sense of the fact that he’s still alive. His vision swim

“Hunter?” he says, voice sounding like it’s about to collapse, heightened into panic. Hunter finally opens his eyes – when did he close them? – and

And for a moment, the world stands still.

There are bodies around them. Barely even that – all Hunter sees are bones and golden masks, and oh Titan, there’s so many of them, far more than he’d ever thought and –

He thinks he might vomit.

His staff falls out of numb fingers, clattering on the ground and rolling away from him, closer to the center of this tomb they’ve stumbled into. It’s littered with loose debris and shards of both metal and glass all over, and when Hunter pushes himself to his feet, he feels them prick at his fingertips.

He hadn’t – he doesn’t remember how many memories of dead guards he’d seen in Belos’ mind. He’d thought that it had maybe been a dozen or so, but not – not this. There are far too many to count, scattered all around them. It almost doesn’t look real. But then there’s the way his body aches all over, the way the air tastes like rot and how his feet seem glued to the stone floor, and the sinking knowledge that this is very, very real.

It’s too horrible to be a dream, and not merciful enough to be a nightmare.

From behind him there’s a quiet, strangled gasp. Hunter barely registers it at first, too caught up with trying and failing to keep himself together. But then it does catch up to him, and he whirls around to Gus. He manages it just in time to see Gus’s eyes flash a bright, terrible blue.

Blue light swirls around them both, a dizzying rush of color that eventually solidifies into tall trees that shroud them in shadow. Magic ripples out from Gus, blurring and reshaping the ground into a forest floor. And Hunter’s stomach just plummets, throat dry and stuck together as his heart pounds against the inside of his ribcage.

“Gus?” he chokes up. It comes out wrong, but that’s irrelevant. He can’t muster up anything better.

Gus doesn’t see him. His eyes are locked onto his but they’re unfocused, flooded with blue. His hands are shaking at his side, balled into fists, knuckles nearly white.

Fuck.

“Gus, breathe,” he tries, raising a trembling hand and holding up four fingers. “It’s going to be alright.”

He draws in a slow breath, folding his fingers to his palm and counting aloud. One, two, three four – three, two, one. One, two, three four…

And miraculously, Gus begins to copy him. His breathing is shaky, but it evens out with time. Hunter truly thinks he’s about to collapse from the mixture of still present panic and relief that floods him.

“Can I touch you?” he asks. His voice still sounds brittle and wrong, but Gus simply nods, and Hunter moves up to wrap an arm around his shoulders. Gus melts into it, burying his face into his side. Hunter just pulls him closer, closing his eyes and trying his best to not fall apart, pushing down the tears pricking at his eyes.

He can’t cry. He can’t cry right now, because he knows he would break.

“We need to get out of here,” he eventually says. It should be manageable – Flapjack’s around here somewhere. He just has to get his staff, and then they’ll be okay.

They’ll be okay.

But the floor’s still covered in Gus’s illusion, a thick layer of grass and fallen leaves hiding the stone underneath. Hunter can barely see his own boots. And he dropped his staff earlier – who knows where it could’ve rolled to.

He’ll find it, Hunter reassures himself. He’ll find it eventually. Maybe that’s a lie, but he can’t think about that for the same reason he can’t cry.

So he calls out for his palisman, hoping desperately to at least hear and answering chirp. Nothing. He tries again, and again, and again.

Nothing.

It looks like he’s doing this the hard way then.

Hunter’s fingertips drift over the floor of the pit, occasionally catching on tiny glass fragments and cracks in the stone as he feels around for his staff. They’re trembling worse with every minute. Occasionally, they’ll brush against cold, jagged metal.

Hunter searches, and tries not to think.

He’s barely keeping his breathing under control, nausea creeping up inside his throat, as he touches something that’s roughly the right shape. He lays a hand on it, wrapping his fingers around, only to realize that the object in fact isn’t his staff, when instead of wood he feels –

Hunter yanks his hand away as if it burned him as soon as it registers what he’s touching. He shakes even worse after, breaths coming out faster and faster as his ribcage draws tight around his lungs. Bile rises in his throat, and he barely chokes it down.

When he’s finally got a grip, he puts his hand back on the floor. He has to keep going – if not for himself, then for Gus. He’s not giving up on him too.

It’s not the last time he touches the bones of his predecessors. His hand bumps against something that could be a skull, still half covered in metal. Tiny fragments are scattered like pebbles all across – it’s hardly possible to avoid. All he can do is bite his tongue and try not to vomit.

He doesn’t even know how long he searches.

Logically, he knows that he has to find his staff eventually. It couldn’t have rolled that far. But rationality is hard to hold onto when he’s kneeling in a pit filled with the remains of centuries worth of past Golden Guards. In the very pit where he knows he would’ve ended up if he’d just been slightly less lucky.

It also holds resemblance to being buried under the roots of trees, hearing two voices echo around him as he fumbles with slips of paper and clutching an old jacket. But that’s yet another thing he’s trying not to think about.

Hunter keeps searching and he keeps shaking and he keeps teetering just on the edge of collapse, treading a fine line between ignoring everything around him and letting it overwhelm him. His mind is racing a mile a minute and his heart pounds against the inside of his sternum like a bird trapped in a cage that’s much too small for it.

Hunter doesn’t know when he slips up. All he knows is that suddenly the crushing fear and hopelessness becomes too much to bear as his lungs are suddenly completely void of air, as his hand rests on what can only be a skull – only this one doesn’t have a mask. It’s much too small for one anyway.

Gus is calling his name. Gus is calling his name, voice barely just cutting through the fog that’s taken over his brain, and Hunter can’t fucking muster up anything in response. He wants to respond, truly, he does, but all he can manage is another stuttering gasp as he desperately tries to breathe. A hand lands on his shoulder and he can’t suppress a violent flinch. It’s retracted instantly, and he thinks he can hear Gus say something else, even if the words don’t quite reach him.

He’s in front of Hunter now, and he looks just as afraid as him. Titan, does he look afraid. His hand’s up, counting down as he tries to get Hunter to breathe. But Hunter – he just can’t. He just keeps hyperventilating like a fish out of water as Gus has to pick up his slack.

He doesn’t know how long it’s been.

They’re both still kneeling on the floor of the pit, Gus’s hands gripped tightly in his. Hunter still hasn’t found his staff and Gus’s eyes still shine a brilliant blue.

But then there’s a voice echoing through the cavern, calling out their names. It’s joined by another, deeper one, one that sounds just as desperate.

It takes him a while to register the sound. But when he does, he finally manages to lift his head – because he knows these voices. Tears try to push up again, this time just from the sheer relief that floods him as he desperately shouts back, his grip on Gus tightening to the point of pain.

And then the illusion ripples in place as Luz bursts out through the fake trees, face crumpling in relief as she spots them. Right after her comes another figure, a purple cloak sweeping across the stone.

“Oh thank god you’re okay,” Luz breathes, crouching down beside them. Her presence is like a breath of fresh air as she reaches around to wrap both of them in her arms. Hunter lets her, too drained to even think about refusing the touch. Gus latches onto her too, burying his face in her shoulder as he trembles.

Darius clears his throat behind them. His face is so carefully neutral that Hunter thinks it has to be fake.

“As heartwarming as this is, I do believe you probably want to get out of… whatever this is.”

Oh. They don’t actually know what they’ve just stumbled upon, do they.

Of course they don’t. Gus’s illusion still covers every inch of the horror underneath. There’s no way they know. Hunter doesn’t know how to feel about that.

So he doesn’t say anything. What comes out of his mouth instead is, “Flapjack’s still around here somewhere.”

“We’ll have time to find your palisman later,” Darius responds, settling a hand on his shoulder. Maybe Hunter’s imagining it, but he thinks his face softens just a bit when he makes eye contact.

He doesn’t want to leave his palisman. But he’s beyond tired and he trusts Darius. So he just nods and lets himself be helped to his feet. Only that Darius doesn’t let his hand go, even after he’s steadied himself.

“You’re bleeding,” he says, and Hunter looks downstairs his hands and oh. Turns out those shards might’ve cut deeper than he realized.

Titan, why didn’t he bring his gloves?

It’s not that bad anyway. Just a few trickles of blood from tiny cuts. It isn’t even hurting badly, and even if, that’d hardly be the worst thing about this whole situation. Yet Darius stares at it with his brows knitted together in a frown, like it’s something worth worrying about.

“It’s okay.” he says quietly. “It doesn’t hurt.” And Darius looks like he wants to say something else, but he doesn’t. Instead he simply pulls Hunter closer, gesturing for Luz and Gus to come join them as well.

“Well then, let’s get going.” He says, drawing a single spell circle. Abomination magic rises up above them and Hunter takes a deep breath before letting it swallow him, holding on tight to the others and closing his eyes.

It’s a while before he sees Darius again after that. When he does, Darius wordlessly presses the handle of his staff into Hunter’s hands before sitting down next to him. This time, the blank look on his face doesn’t nearly look as structurally sound as before.

He doesn’t know what to say except a breathless thank you while he hurries to unscrew Flapjack from his interlock. They immediately flutter all around him as soon as he gets them free, chirping her worries and little I love yous with every breath. He cradles her close, cupping them in his hands. He half feels like he could cry just from this.

“I love you,” he whispers back. “I love you so much.”

You too!

“I know. Believe me, I know.”

Darius keeps standing there, watching them. Eventually, Flapjack calms down, perching on his shoulder and tucking their head next to his chin. And that’s when Darius finally breaks the silence.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For not coming to get you sooner. You shouldn’t have to see any of… that.”

Hunter swallows. “You were fighting for your life. We all were.”

“That’s not an excuse, just an explanation, and you know that.”

Hunter doesn’t come up with a response for that one. Because he doesn’t really blame Darius, but he’s too tired to argue any more. Instead he simply sighs, and in a movement he doesn’t dare think about, lets his head rest against Darius’s shoulder.

He’s pleasantly surprised when instead of pulling away or anything of the sorts, Darius I seat puts his own arm around his shoulders. Hunter leans into the touch as his eyes start to drift shut.

They stay like that for a long time.

[n3ongold3n]

Current procrastination level: painting my nails kotallo -inspired 🦈

[floral-hex]

Thought I’d get out for the night, so I’ve been sitting in this gaming lounge for the last hour and it’s… meh. Ordered an overpriced milkshake, just kind of hanging out. Honestly, I’d rather play games by myself at home than deal with whatever’s going on here. Well… it was worth a shot 😒

[dogcollarpunk]

//through gritted teeth// I'm being so Self-Organized and Time-Managing Right Now

[theladyyavilee]

post/702366380370067456/ao3-wrappedyear-in-review-share-one-fic-that , listen to you breathing (is where I wanna be) is that fic for me, i remember reading the summary and being like oh? this sounds like all i want and gues what it was everything i wanted to read and more i can't put into words how much feelings that fic gave me, the amount of emotions i feel changing and weighting i just love it a lot

HELLO I love this ask and you!! this is such a lovely and amazing comment to get about listen to you breathing, thank you SO MUCH <3 I’ve been struggling a little with my writing lately but hearing that my words and my fic had so much impact on you and made you feel so much and that that fic is such a big deal to someone else really really really made my day (my week, my month xD) <3 really, thank you so much for sending me this ask and letting me know how much you enjoyed this fic <3