#it was probably not worth the price but emotionally it was worth the whole world

[mymelodyisme]

Got myself a nice little treat for being such a good girl and going to get seen by the doctor 🍦

[doctorguilty]

Pda...

I feel like this is gonna sound dumb but I'm just emotional and that's how I am so whatever...... there's just something something can't stop thinking about

A couple days into my last visit with gloomy, I came out of the bathroom and made some silly comment about the bar of soap I washed my hands with, I think maybe it was something stupid like I washed chocolate off my hands after we shared a pastry, and I was like omg it was making the soap brown I had to wash it off I wouldn't want your sister to think there was poo all over the soap 🤣 and gloomy said like, "oh well that's there for you anyway" and I was like huh?? And they reiterated they had put that bar of soap put for me specifically. I'm the only one that uses it. They and their sister use the liquid soap pump.

And I was just like stunned for a moment cause here's the thing... that bar of soap was there when I FIRST visited their apartment. I didn't question it like plenty of people have multiple kinds of hand soap. So I'd been using that the whole time during that visit.. and when I came back it was there again so I mindlessly used it again.

It wasn't anything super fancy or anything, just a plain old bar of ivory soap. But gloomy bought that, and a cute soap dish to hold it in, to put it out for me.. even though I don't live there. So I asked why? Like, I can just use liquid soap I don't need my own soap ;w;" And they said, simply, "because I know you like to use bar soap"

Gloomy says things in such a matter-of-fact way that always gets into my head but I mean that in a good way. When I say and do things for others, I'm emotional, my tone often has a flourish, my instinct to be so external about the love behind my intentions. But there's something so.. different, in a way I'm drawn to, that with gloomy it just.. it's concise. It's a fact. It's not a grand emotion.. not the way I'd experience it.. buying something for someone, feeling excitement over it, I know what my emotions look like.

No.. when i picture gloomy just.. being at the store, seeing soap, putting it in the basket. Setting it out on the sink so it's waiting for me. Done. Its mundane. It's normal. And to me that's so warm like..... like it's all part of the reason gloomy feels like home anywhere I am

So anyway.. I told them I was so moved by that.. and yknow, I don't think I ever EXPLICITLY emphasized my bar soap preference, because again its not terribly important, it must have been something offhanded or maybe just a mental note that's what I had in the bathroom where I live, that I used

I know it probably doesn't seem all that deep.. but to me it really, really is. And they never outright told me, like NEEDING me to know!!!! They did it for me!! Which would be fine ofc, but again it's the mundane-ness (is that a word?) No, its not about their own emotional fulfillment at all.. it's enough to just make me comfortable, on purpose.

And that just... means the world to me.. because in my life, I desperately battle for (and often lose) my right to take up space, everywhere I go. I'm used to every little thing being in someone's way. Having it criticized. Being emotionally beaten down and shrinking just to keep my sanity.. for someone to feel I'm worth that... not the literal price of soap but the PRINCIPLE, the fact that something JUST FOR ME can just take up space in SOMEONE ELSES SPACE, they CHOSE to do on their own volition and not feel compelled to draw attention to it.. that is the most wonderful thing anyone can give me.. truly.. space. That's what it is. Space I don't have to battle for or earn. It's just there. I'm starting to tear up writing all this. That's how much it means to me .

I love them.. I love the way they are , so different from me in ways I admire, in ways that make me feel special because my brain is wired up differently where I wouldn't have the same exact thought process over the same exact intent

I was also told, anecdotally, when gloomy put the soap out, their sister criticized it like "that's pointless no one uses bar soap 🙄" and they said "some people do, seth does, its for him" and that's important to me to that without me even being there or knowing, they had no issue defending the space (literally physical space, AND the concept of it, why my arbitrary preference matters more than HER opinion) they wanted me to have.

I always end up beating myself up at the end of my yearning, because i still don't have the ability to keep out the thoughts that I don't deserved to be loved, how does my partner tolerate me, etc.. and that's how I'm feeling now.. how does someone so good love me? I just can't be worthy.. I've been taught time and time again i am no ones priority and the space I take up us a burden.

But nonetheless I am grateful for their love. I love them so much .. so much... every time I've washed my hands in the bathroom since then, I think of the soap at their apartment still there for me .. SO far away, yet space is still filled by me, whether the soap stays on the sink or gets put away in a drawer or whatever. It's there. Taking up space on purpose...

[theanimeview]

[Movie Review & Spoilers] GOT TO LOVE SLIMES! “That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime the Movie: Scarlet Bond”

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fG8fUTen5NI&ab_channel=CrunchyrollCollection

By: Peggy Sue Wood | @pswediting

Reincarnation has been a popular premise in anime and manga (generally fiction as a whole) for some time, allowing characters to come back from death in a new form and allowing them/us to explore a different version of life in another world or the same one from a new perspective.  That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime is one such series, and it is one of my favorites with its ridiculous plot progression that jumps from final boss-level worries in one episode to the internal drama of a tight-knit community in the next (not to mention the fantastic cast of characters). Therefore I was ecstatic to learn that the series was getting a movie, Scarlet Bond, and even more delighted to find that there would be an international release. 

DUB vs. SUB

The movie was equally as entertaining as the show and manga. I ended up seeing the film twice. Once in Japanese with subtitles and once with English dubbing. There were some minor changes between the two texts, like Towa’s ending speech or how characters responded to some things, but I wouldn't say that it changed the meaning of the scenes in any significant way. To be honest, I found the dubbed version to be more enjoyable. While I am used to subtitles and have a slight grasp of Japanese, I was able to really take in the art and the action scenes better when I wasn't trying to switch between reading and watching on the big screen. Moreover, the voice actors for the new characters–specifically, Towa and Hiiro–were phenomenal. 

Part of my favorite thing within the That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime anime is the over the top fight scenes and this movie was no different. There was some dramatic ones, there were some flashy ones, and there were ones that just looked epic. I felt like I got to enjoy these more when I was watching the dub version, because I could pay more attention to what was happening on screen. With the subtitled version, I was definitely reading a lot and there times when the subtitles disappeared too quickly for me to finish the sentence or second line of text. While I wasn't sure I was missing too much because the context was pretty straightforward, it certainly made me feel a little frustrated. 

[Spoilers] Should I see it if I haven't watched the show? 

No. I would not recommend seeing this movie if you haven't seen the show. Firstly, the movie opens in the midst of troubles with the Demon Lord Clayman (the Orc Lord arc), and there are a lot of things that tie in with events from Season 1 and Season 2 of the anime. I could maybe see missing Season 2 and still understanding the set up for the movie, but you'd need the context of Season 1 to fill-in some of the larger blanks since there aren't really character introductions. I think a lot of anime movies which continue a series tend to give brief characters introductions, and this one sort of does but it's not so much that I think you could miss Season 1 and still get the gist of the dynamic (at least, that's my opinion). Note: The movie picks up directly after Season 2, so there is not a big time gap between the events seen in the film and the show. 

My Feelings

I loved the movie. I loved the new characters–particularly Hiiro. I loved the animations. I thought that the opening action scene was epic and emotionally impactful. I felt invested in the progression of events and loved seeing the characters work out what was happening. 

I thought it was excellent and would rate it a 9/10. I give it a 9/10 only because I saw it in theaters but this would have received a 10/10 had I watched from home. It was worth the ticket prices to me, because I wanted to see it in theaters but this was probably one I could have enjoyed from home in a pay-to-watch sort of situation on Amazon Prime, YouTube, or–if they had the option–Crunchyroll/Funimation.

If you are a fan of the series, definitely add this to your watchlist!

[shawnjacksonsbs]

I mean . . . What's more important than this, these, now? 9-23-23

"The truth is, it takes the same energy to choose healing as it does to choose helplessness—but the results are very different. One leaves you & I paralyzed by events, the other gives us hope for the future." - J.D.

I was just going to post a couple pictures of the grandkids that are here for the weekend and leave these two quotes, but. . . I'll add. . .

I had a conversation with my oldest son the other day, along with a piece I remember writing several years ago about people being involved in their own battles not everyone has time to join in ours.

I may have a side picked for most issues but the ones closest to my heart, at that moment, will always get my attention first, most.

Whatever your thing is that you try to rally people over to, I know I have a side, but what if I'm fighting financial hardship, or I'm focused on battling drug addiction (it is pretty influential topic in our family), or if I know a young lady suffering from a rape or incest who can longer have a safe abortion?

Probably going to be emotionally preoccupied with our/my battles even if I believe in your side.

Not to mention some battles don't deserve my attention from either side spoken outloud if it costs me my peace and just like I told him, and just like I've said before there's a whole lot of ugly institutions, laws, and policy that I wish were different but costing me my peace and the relationships I've gained are too high a price to pay. For me, that is.

The culture and society may have some toxicity, but some slight conformity has given me so much more in my life, with my limited . . .abilities to overcome some of the battles others fight in.

I'm still against police overreach, like big time. It disgusts me to know end, but although I know, even those who commit crimes have rights that are stepped on constantly, I've had like 5, maybe 6 police interactions in the last ten years, mostly routine traffic stops. None of them asked about my background, and I don't really do a whole lot of breaking the law, so they are limited on approaching me at all.

Granted, my privilege, whether you agree or not, plays a small role in that.

My point is that you GET to choose where you focus your attention.

Ask yourself, "As noble as that cause might be, is it worth what it might, and probably will cost me?" Then look at my pictures in this post.

Yeah, I'm good. Yes, I'm half a sell-out, but buying in has proved some of me right and some of me wrong.

I'm good here. I get to be . . .HERE!!

Did I mention last week that it's been 10 god damn years!?

Before I close I'm also going to put a couple pictures in here of this book I bought at the Laura Ingalls Wilder museum in Mansfield. It's a bunch of short quotes, I think . . .until we make it through the book, I'm going to start the description that goes with Pawpaw's Storytime with one of those each time, even if they don't necessarily match the rest of the description. I'll still close with a reading or learning quote, or the like.

That's it guys, now it's back to my little dude knuckle heads. Just love my grands. All of them are pretty much the best little people you'll ever meet.

Remember that sharing your love and your laughter could warm the heart of a very cold world!

It's important.

Until next week;

"Ambition is necessary to accomplishment. Without an ambition to gain an end, nothing would be done. Without an ambition to excel others and to surpass one’s self, there would be no superior merit. To win anything, we must have the ambition to do so." - Laura Ingalls

[makingspiritualityreal]

On the meaning of Abundance

When people daydream of a typical scenario of "what would I do if I had a lot of money", many of them would probably imagine riches and extravagance, leisure and all the material things marketing tells us are worth getting.

I don't care about these things. All I want is to be healthy, and I'm angry that it has become socially acceptable to deem it a luxury to be able to afford to exist in a way that doesn't kill your health.

I want to be able to breathe the air that nourishes my body instead of killing it. I want to be able to drink clean water and bathe in a water that doesn't contain polluting ingredients. A water someone didn't throw garbage into. A water that hasn't been pumped full of chlorine and fluoride.

I want to be able to have access to fresh fruit and vegetables of all kinds without it costing an arm and a leg. I want to have a life, where I don't have to worry if the clothes on my back are made from a recycled plastic bag. I don't need a new wardrobe every month, I can have the same set of clothes for the next 10 years if only they're well made and they don't poison me.

Then there is a question of the so cold "exotic ingredients". It is believed that these things are supposed to be extremely expensive...but in fact they're not, and in our times, they don't have to be. Many of them are imported from Asian countries with a slowly developing economy, much lower prices and income, so even with the foreign import cost, it should have become affordable to get these things. Yet, because it's more convenient to keep people in poverty and unconsciousness, it's not.

Nature gave us its physical abundance as a way to enhance our lives, bodies, minds and spirits, and optimise our functioning as a result. Technology has by now given us fast, efficient transportation, so that the whole of humanity could easily partake in spices, fruits, roots, plants from every corner of the world, regardless of the season and the climate we live in. Instead, to get those things, you need to check the labels and an ingredient list on everything 10 times, to make sure you don't get scammed in terms of quality or purchase counterfeits, and then you need to double check to make sure you don't get scammed in terms of the price either.

Studying Vedic Astrology has had me surprised with their obsession of remedies from the beginning, but there is a grain of truth in that philosophy, that doesn't exist in Western societies anymore. There is a remnant of an old culture, that still has an awareness of a spiritual impact that the physical quality of living has on a human mind and our emotions.

The fabrics, metals, oils, ingredients that we consume, that we include in our physical aura, may not be able to immediately and directly change our karma, that's true. But they do have an indirect influence on our minds, which then creates our energetic field...which then dictates the creation of our karma. Slowly, day by day, our habits dictate the result of our existence. Long term, our level of self-care can make or break our lives.

Being aware and conscious is about realising, that we live in a world that has set up a system, that has made it physically challenging to cultivate good habits, but instead encourages terrible ones. It puts fast, forgettable, yet addictive and destructive pleasures in front of our faces and floods our minds with temptations of them, so that we don't even conceive of other options.

If there is one thing that we should take away from the gradual fusion of traditional Eastern philosophies into the Western world, it's placing the importance on small habits, that have a long term, huge impact and decide the course of our lives.

Many people pray to God or the Universe to give them money. I pray that the Universe gives me the means to be mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy, so that I can spread that health and awareness of it throughout the world.

[hermit-pistol]

Josuke Higashikata Fluff Alphabet:

Number 3/6 for the alphabet requests! Hope you enjoy! Click under the cut for more:

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Josuke is a very adventurous guy and he would love to be active and get out of the house with you! Whether it be exercising together or having an outdoor picnic, not a minute of daylight will be wasted.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

He is seriously envious of your style. Being pretty big on fashion himself, he's glad that he has an s/o that can match his taste. (Might even ask you to pick out his outfits for him one day, who knows)

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

He's no stranger to stress, and very much so understands the way that you're feeling. He'll wrap you into a big hug, repeating positive affirmations. It's imperative that he makes sure that you're feeling okay before he diverts attention from you.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Josuke is READY for those exciting next steps in your relationship. He often thinks about moving in together and getting a dog. He's really enthusiastic about the dog. You even catch him looking up dog breeds on his phone sometimes.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

He has that "go with the flow" attitude, so it's no surprise that most of the decisions fall into your territory. It's not that he's lazy, he just trusts your judgment.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Being more bark than bite, he'll just get very loud very quickly. He won't stay mad for very long, but the man can hold a grudge for ages. Once you tell him you’re no longer angry he’ll probably follow suit.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

All throughout the day, Josuke will remind you how much you mean to him. Whether it be physical affection, saying sweet "I love you's" or buying you lunch just because, you just know that your boyfriend is as grateful as can be.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

Josuke is a terrible liar. His face gets flushed and his breath gets caught in his throat. Besides that, he's pretty transparent and always tells the truth, whether he wants to or not.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

Once Josuke met you, he finally got why everyone was ranting and raving about the whole "true love" thing. He showed you a new side to life, and he enjoys every day that he spends by your side. With you, he's also learned to become more confident in his appearance when his hair is down! He can afford to let his guard down around you.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

He'll get a little jealous when you spend time with his friends or Tomoko and don't check in with him from time to time. One time you were laughing with his mom over old baby pictures and Josuke had his arms crossed, pouting in the corner. He doesn't like to talk about it.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Naturally amazing kisser! He doesn't even need instructions or anything. If anything....he should be teaching you...(zoo wee mama)

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Josuke overthinks things and will be freaking out on the day that he finally decides to tell you how he feels. It would be over dinner, and when you found that your handsome man felt the same you were overjoyed. He would just sit there extremely proud of himself, grinning like a goofball for the rest of the meal.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Josuke totally proposes with the help of Okuyasu and Koichi and you can't change my mind. The three of them have been planning something big for weeks, and you can tell because they aren't slick. By the time that you and Josuke are alone, you can't help yourself and ask, "Hey, are you gonna propose already?". You can see the other two heavily breathing behind a tree and it's starting to freak you out.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

He frequently uses "babe". Like all the time. If he asks you for help or trying to get your attention, it's spoken literally every other sentence. It's endearing, though. Sometimes he'll also use a shortened version of your name!

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

Josuke is like an excited puppy, and hiding his emotions is not something he's good at. Everyone in the town can tell that this pure love kinda guy is definitely feeling something strong. For heaven's sake, the man walks around Morioh in a trance.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

He's VERY handsy and cuddly and doesn't care who sees. If he could, he'd let the whole world know that you are his. Although, he'll be tasteful about it. For example, the citizens of the quaint town would rather not watch him shove his tongue down your throat.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

A random quirk? Josuke talks in his sleep all the time and says the best/ most random things. You tell him that one of these days you'll have to record him so he can hear it for himself. Most importantly, he mumbles your name in his sleep 🥺

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Again pure love kinda guy people. He's gonna be traditional, surprising you with flowers after work or treating you to dinner. He even pulls out chairs for you and the like. Josuke will always keep the romance alive.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

He's your biggest cheerleader, all that's missing is the outfit. No matter what you decide to go out and do he'll always have your back. Once you achieve your goal he'll pick you up and spin you around, saying how proud he is of you! (the dream, honestly)

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice up your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

It has been said that Josuke is the king of spontaneity. He's also quite keen on the element of surprise. One of his greatest endeavors was leaving plane tickets on the dining room table and not talking to you about it until you asked. He's too "young and wild" for a routine. Give him a few years to settle down.

U nderstanding - How well do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Josuke isn't afraid of his own feelings, so he's open for you to tell him about yours. He's extremely feeling and will listen to anything you have to tell him. He's your rock, basically, and you're so grateful that he's emotionally available for you.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

He puts his relationship at the top of his list of priorities. To him, it's even more special than video games. (that's saying a lot, here) Honestly, he wouldn't know what to do if you weren't around.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

You and Josuke have countless inside jokes and said jokes work their way into everyday life. It could either be a play on words or a funny voice; it doesn't take much for both of you to be curled up on the floor dying from laughter. He also seems like the kind of guy that makes random noises and laughs at them, don't deny it.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Josuke has declared it so he will always assume the position of the big spoon, and you accept these terms. He's also quite fond of kisses, giving or receiving. Surprise kisses are the best, in his opinion. Snipe him.

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

He knows that you have to spend time apart, but his thoughts drift to you quite often when the two of you aren't together. With friends, he'll zone out a lot, and maybe dramatically sigh. He'll also reread your best texting conversations often.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Josuke will put forth his best effort in the relationship, and you appreciate him for it. He doesn't really need to woo you with fancy objects or shiny things since you prefer his company anyways. You can't put a price on laughter anyways... (refer to W)

[a-person-who-is-not-you]

Some Dark Academia/DA adjacent media for people who don’t like the popular books/movies/plays

Rope directed by Alfred Hitchcock- Two college boys murder their classmate and invite his family, friends, and their former teacher for dinner. has intellectual murder, critique of classicism, homoeroticism, two mlm lead actors, cool camerawork

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov- cw child abuse/rape, the story of a professor who becomes sexually interested in a young girl and the slow destruction of both of their lives. unreliable intellectual narrator, beautifully written and has the EXACT opposite message that people think it does, emotionally difficult to read but worth it

Miss Julie- the woman of the house falls in love with a servant, but neither is as they seem. play by August Strindberg, also a 2014 movie that’s really good. Deals with ideas of class, romance, inherent good. Really good play. cw: animal death, suicide

Man and Superman- a romance dealing with the superiority of women. Play by George Bernard Shaw, it’s really long but worth it. Definitely comedic but discusses feminism, philosophy, politics, and has a really beautiful love story. There are audio versions of it. If you don’t want to read/listen to the whole thing, there is an abridged version called Don Juan in Hell which is just the fourth act

An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge by Ambrose Pierce- a man is about to be executed, but escapes and tries to flee. short story, also a Twilight Zone episode. Southern gothic with discussions about guilt, the post war atmosphere of the south, unreliable narrator

The Rime of the Ancient Mariner- poem mentioned in Frankenstein, about a sailor who commits a horrible act and has to suffer for it. Great imagery and fun tragedy stuff

Never the Sinner- two college friends attempt to commit the perfect crime as an intellectual excercise, and everything that follows after they get caught. play by John Logan, about the Leopold and Loeb case. Explicit lgbt relationship, discussions of philosophy, class critique, murder. Courtroom drama as well. Very similar to Rope

Rebecca- novel by Daphne du Maurier, films by Alfred Hitchcock and a more recent one by Netflix. About a poor woman who marries a rich man who lives in the English countryside, and falls into a world still controlled by his former wife, who died a year earlier. Homoeroticism, esp in the Hitchcock film, class critique, moral ambiguity

The Monster Variations by Daniel Kraus- more of a coming of age story akin to the Goldfinch, not a whole lot of academia stuff but very good. It’s a story about three boys growing up and it’s really creepy and sad and dangerous. Scowler by Daniel Kraus is also really good

Casefile True Crime: Silk Road- podcast summarising a real case of a man who creates a drug website on the deep web and the story of how he was caught.

Ghost Flower by Michelle Jaffe- a runaway who looks exactly like a missing heiress is hired to impersonate her by family in order to claim their fortune. Amazing murder mystery with a lot of great characters, twists, and reveals, her other books are really good too.

The Only Good Indians by Stephen Graham Jones- four men kill an elk on the elder’s section of the reservation and years later must pay the price. Not exactly DA but amazing horror novel wit great tension and characters.

The Oedipus Cycle by Sophocles- three plays about Oedipus and his family, and the hubris. Great Greek plays for someone new to Greek theatre, and while you probably already know the twist from Oedipus you might not be familiar with Antigone.

The Oresteia Trilogy by Aeschylus- the story of Agamemnon and his family when he returns from Troy. More great Greek plays, and definitely more morality questions than SOME popular DA books about the Greeks are willing to provide (not naming any names but y’all who hate Agamemnon are getting biased info).

Literally any other Shakespeare play but MacBeth, Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet and Othello- please, for the love of god, check out some of the less well known shakespeare plays I’m begging you. The Henriad is GREAT and def worth reading, Titus Andronicus is very funny and gory and good, my personal favourite is Measure for Measure and the adaptation Off the Rails by Randy Reinholz. I’m so tired of only seeing Shakespeare memes of the most popular plays and I IMPLORE you to check out some of the other ones, there are great movie versions of most of them (this listing exempts the Two Noble Kinsmen, never mention that play to me again)

I know most of these can’t strictly be called DA, but they give the same vibes to me. Also I know this list is pretty eurocentric, so if anyone has suggestions that are less so please let me know! We need more diverse stories in this genre. I’ll also probably add to this list as time goes on because I have a lot of media that works for me in the way that some of the more popular books/movies don’t. Thanks for reading!

[dykesbat]

okok songs from my bruce playlist + reasons

first love / late spring by mitski

“and I was so young when I behaved twenty-five / Yet now I find I’ve grown into a tall child… Please hurry, leave me, I can’t breathe / Please don’t say you love me / Mune ga hachikire-sōde”

pretty self-explanatory! bruce is emotionally immature and just. yeah i feel like he oftentimes does feel the same as he did in that alleyway yknow. maybe he’s realizing the depths of how immature he is right here in the moment of recognizing that the person he finds himself loving right now is also someone he could potentially lose. i think of bruce as someone who loves a lot. maybe here he’s acknowledging how the price of loving is the possibility of pain.

everybody lost somebody by bleachers

THIS ENTIRE SONG BROOOOOOO

“It’s this dream I keep having where I’m begging / Just to give myself a break / But there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to wake up and remember it / I wanna wake up and remember”

Bruce being an avid dreamer is a pretty popular concept n idk I think the concept of his dreams diverging from the nightmares of his loss to a dream of him acknowledging that he’s mourning and wanting the world to stop or like. him having a nightmare where the only coherent words he remembers after waking up is just his internal “i’m so tired” but maybe its survivors guilt maybe its just the desperation to hold on to whatever he can of the people that he lost maybe he's just trying to hold on to all the good and the good memories are just. so intertwined with the pain of loss. but he doesn’t want to let go of it

“I think pain is waiting alone at the corner / Tryna get myself back home, yeah / Looking like everybody / Knowing everybody lost somebody... A reason I see myself in a million faces / A reason I can't stop it all from changing / So come on, motherf*^&r, you survive”

i think these lines can be used to represent him turning his pain into his efforts for making gotham better. basically just. redirecting the love into the city and the people rather than only mourning. obv it would be his entire mission after his parent’s deaths. and for canon continuity reasons—since it's a bit more hopeful maybe it's after jason’s death and after tim comes around? idk i imagine bruce remembering his parents and remember jason around the manor hallways and on the city rooftops. the whole “trying to get myself back home” can be like home = the person lost or just. literally bruce trying to put in the effort to dragging himself back home for (himself? tim? alfred? hmm.) n the other lines are just. him seeing himself in gotham and seeing worth in human life. it connects to his compassion and his no-kill-rule and his empathy and his taking in of his children. and like yeah he can’t stop it all from changing he can't prevent every death but he’ll try to. the survive line is also pretty self-explanatory. 

garden song by phoebe bridges

“I don't know when you got taller / See our reflection in the water / Off a bridge at the Huntington / I hopped the fence when I was seventeen / Then I knew what I wanted”

ok so I'm thinking. him talking abt dick in the first few lines. probably after reconciling with him after they've been enstranged for so long and he’s feeling regretful for the mistakes he made there while thinking of their past times together.  maybe he took younger dick to a place he went to when he solidified his plan to train abroad? 

“And it’s gonna be just like my recurring dream / I’m at the movies, I don’t remember what I’m seeing / The screen turns into a tidal wave”

do I have to explain.. avid dreamer bruce,, the movies,, the dream ending terribly,, gn!

“I don’t know how, but I’m taller / It must be something in the water / Everything’s growing in our garden / You don’t have to know that it’s haunted”

idk how to explain it? but just. bruce growing up in a manor that suddenly feels larger than it ever did before. n it feels like he took his parents ghosts w him and left whatever his childhood was back in that alley. and part of him can pick out what he felt on that day. and so much changed and he’s grown? he’s grown older than his father ever was? and he doesn’t know how that's possible?

class of 2013 by mitski

“Mom, can you wash my back / This once, and then we can forget / And I’ll leave what im chasing / For the other girls to pursue…. Mom am I still young / Can I dream for a few months more” 

ok no he is not financially struggling n i will b honest this is a self-indulgent song to maximize relatability <3 but my decision to put this song was also based on the idea of him just. missing him mom so muchhhh?? maybe a dream? maybe the aftermath of fear gas? who knows but here the “forget” will just be for his parent's deaths. I imagine this to be somewhat akin to the mask of phantasm monologue he has at his parents grave. (spoilers for that: he’s basically asking his parents for forgiveness for potentially abandoning his oath of bettering Gotham as Batman). last line makes me #$%^&*( just. hnnnnnnn imagine him waking up blurry eyed and brain fogged and he’s just grasping onto the false belief of his parents still being there n clinging on to the comfort of his pre-crime alley childhood before he truly wakes up. 

 sick of losing soulmates by dodie

okok this is on my bruce + romance playlist too bc it reminded me of batcat and bruharvey. it can also be interpreted as his fam ig? but I feel like that doesn’t apply for most of the song.

“God knows what I would be if you hadn’t found me / Sitting all alone in the dark… What the hell would I be without you / Brave face talk so lightly, hide the truth… Cause I’m sick of losing soulmates / So where do we begin / I can finally see you’re as f$:$:&ed up as me / So how do we win”

 I just think. that. Bruce would have abandonment issues. first four lines can be taken for all three (batcat, bruharv, the family) interpretations. the truth being hidden doubling both as his identity as Batman and just. the fact that he loves them lol (batcat, bruharv). last three lines lean towards bc and bh but personally they reminded me more of bat cat (probably bc ppl always say they’re so similar). basically I feel like this song could signify their fears of losing each other in whatever way that means (romantically, platonically, death) bc they both care for each other so much and impact each other so muchhsuagdj but at the same time it feels like its bound to end badly. (ofc it doesn't. whether or not they like. break up from a romance or have a falling out between friends i’d like to think some time after they heal they become reconnect n their relationship w each other is stronger and so alike what it was before but different bc its just. so much healthier this time. and to copy and paste from my thoughts on my other playlist: bruce crashes at selinas house sometimes and she makes the him catsit for her bc she thinks it’s funny when he complains abt her cats and calls them mean names and then gets a picture of bruce knocked out cuddling them like 30 m later courtesy alfred)

[theawakenedstate]

When is Enough, Enough yet? The true journey is never about healing at all, perhaps it is the ultimate illusion of self.

It is so easy to romanticize The Healing of the Shadow, we write books on it, develop spiritual highs on it, wish it away in meditation, and tell ourselves “just one day…I will finally heal completely” Just another day, I will finally be there…

The ultimate illusion – Time.

The ultimate destroyer – Time.

The truth?

You are already there.

You just keep pushing away from being here, due to how you feel about being here that you are pushing away from Being Present where true expansion Happens.

But push on – Another thing to heal… Anothe book to read….It’s all growth right?

But you silently ask yourself repeatedly – WHEN WILL IT BE ENOUGH? Haven’t I done enough yet,

How much more TIME do I need to heal this, release this, cleanse myself, detox myself, purge, purge, purge – Until…

The Collapse is inevitable.

You’re not making peace with your past, no, no ,no, you’re learning how to be present so the past naturally dissolves into the YOU who was already there, already present beyond the bullshit you settled for

WHAT IF – you don’t need to heal like you think you need to heal but what you actually are doing, is learning how to emotionally empower yourself, put back the pieces to reclaim your WHOLENESS. Your enoughness.

Or wake up one day realizing – Oh I am already her. Oh I am already him.

I get it – I used to be afraid of my power.

I used to be afraid of this ‘gift’ of seeing the world, struggling on over-active empathy,

not knowing how to probably see, trust myself, question myself, question my own wisdom,

I used to be afraid of the lack, the void, the nothingness – and then i realized my job was never to be afraid of the lack –

It was to Build and create from the Lack –

It was to open my eyes to Remembering what always was –

it was to AWAKEN back the remembrance of higher truth.

The struggle is a choice

The drama is a choice

The anger is a choice –

Will you let it destroy your or is it time to move through it?

When will enough, be enough?

The excuses grow stronger right? Well maybe instead of not feeling enough NOW – I am too much…

The mind goes well yeah but first I just need to heal…

First I just need to Do….

First I just need, need, need to prove my enoughness of my worth, of my existence.

But WHEN will enough be enough for you to collapse the ultimate illusion –

Time.

Isn’t it time to sink in deeper and deeper into who you always are within the present moment? Isn’t it time to stop Striving, chasing and pulling yourself through hoops of – Just get to the damn point already What if YOU ARE THE POINT?!

But what if you buying into the ultimate illusion IS what justifies the struggle – IS what magnifies the misalignment –

And the moment you recognize the lack for what it is – BOOM

You see it for what it is: I can Surrender,

the Lack for abundance.

I can Release the old,

and embody the new.

I can carve a new pathway from the old

and I can sever – the old me for a new way of BEing.

I can look my shadow in the eye and WALK THROUGH

I can dance with fear and remember my wholeness

I can stop feeling lost in the trap of TIME and begin to see:

It was never a journey of healing – it was always a journey of coming back home to myself,

and unlocking my quantum nature of who I am.

Sometimes I wonder if the journey is really about healing at all, It’s easy to romanticize it all. Justify it all. Conquer our state of worthiness and Enoughness. All the while, Forgetting our Sacred truth – that we are already enough, whole, complete. Perhaps it’s not really about the releasing, healing and clearing so much as what is on the other side of that? What is beyond the healing, the releasing, the clearing, What is underneath the surface of that?

The void? The Evolution of self? The Embodiment of truth? The Alignment of you? The Expansion of You?

The Person connected to their wholeness, their enoughness, their expansion of self-evolution. What are they like? How do they dress? How Do they show up? How do they take action? What’s their favorite dessert?

Who is breathing beneath the surface of every thought, word, doubt, insecurity and fear – when you stop forgetting and start remembering?

When have you healed enough, when have you released enough, shedding layer after layer after layer after layer after…

The Creation Begins So The Question is NEVER – What do I need to Heal, overcome, and fix what is wrong with me? It is always – What am I ready to Create? What am I ready to call in, embody, and feel now? What am I unapologetically ready to Expand and evolve into? Who do I need to unbecome so I can Step in Fully to giving myself full permission to BE all of who I truly am? Remember the Universe is inside of you,

and you hold the power to design your life 😉

P.S. There are TWO Days Left for The Ultimate Chakra Bundle – Bonuses! This is a program that goes beyond the HEALING – into the depths of learning true emotional liberation and empowerment.

I specifically designed this program to teach you how to unearth the old stories & patterns that are keeping your chakras in holding patterns and teach you how to Empower the Emotional Identity back into Alignment.

This is powerful work that goes deep into Recoding old conditioning, unearthing the old ways that stop us from healing due to self-protection and instead we dive deep into WHAT IS BEYOND THE HEALING? YOU. Learning How to Empower the eff out of your own Chakra System.

This unique bundle goes into the depths of Energetic Work, Emotional Empowerment practices, unique methods to heal emotional mind-body connection and goes into the Practical Next Level Habits to teach you how to manifest from your chakras. It’s time to go Beyond the Healing and Learn to Empower Your Chakras.

Final two days to receive – 3 courses for the price of one! easily valued around $999 – You receive for way over half off the total value of the program

included a payment option Check full details on The ultimate chakra bundle below:

theawakenedstate.net/empower-the-chakras/

https://theawakenedstate.net/soul-unleashed-activations-when-will-enough-be-enough/

Soul Unleashed Activations: When will ENOUGH, Be Enough?

When is Enough, Enough yet? The true journey is never about healing at all, perhaps it is the ultimate illusion of self. It is so easy to romanticize The Healing of the Shadow, we write books on it, develop spiritual highs on it, wish it away in meditation, and tell ourselves “just one day…I will finally heal completely” Just another […]

[andrew-minyards-bitch]

Reasons why I can accept Andrew and Neil never saying the words “i love you”

Obviously I don’t love the thought of them never saying it once to each other but I find it to be quite acceptable considering their past

So here’s a little character analyzation:

Andrew has probably never been told “I love you” in his early childhood

No one in his life stayed, no one cared enough to keep him for a longer period of time, no one wanted to get their hands on a problem child or build a stable relationship, so he had never received verbal affection much less physical

He’s heard the phrases of “I love..” but it was never about him as a whole, as a person

The phrase was always followed by a part of his body

“I love you(r)...” brings back memories of being trapped in a corner, not being able to defend himself

He saw glimpses of “I love you’s” said in movies but none of the people who received this affectionate saying had been hurt, tear downed, demolished

Not understanding why he was often covered in scars and bruises after hearing these three words his young mind had grown to be wary of it

That was until Cass came along and made the decision to foster him in her house

In the first month of living in her house he has heard strings of “I love you’s” and never once has he been hurt by the words

The verbal showcase were often followed by the smell of chocolate cookies and Cass gently placing them on his hands and blowing soft air when he cries out that it’s too hot

In the short span of the first month he had learned to lower his guard down, after all what was Cass doing but giving him all of her love

This aura of security however did not last, it was wrongly stricken down by Cass’ real son

Night after night he’ll hear the same “I love you(r)..” and the result of these nights were the same when he was living with that old man

In the mornings however he’d hear the same thing, “I love you’s” from Cass’ mouth were the only thing grounding him to comfort

So he got a knife and did his best to not disappoint Cass, to not be a failure, like everyone he had come in contact with told him he was, to be silent and obedient, to follow the ever changing rules of the houses that he’s been in

But all of them had one thing in common, the price of their hostility always had to be repaid

Too many months passed before “I love you’s” were tarnished in his mind

The pain that it brought was not worth the expenses that came with it

No matter how many times Cass says it, it didn’t stop the things that happened at night

Then comes a day when Cass uttered those words to him and he finally saw it in it’s true form...poison

It was toxicated to want to be loved, to feel as though there was at least one person in the world who will give up their humanity just to shelter you, and that was what Cass was to him

He saw her eyes wandered to his wrist but then quickly avert to the cookies before handing it over to him

That was when his brain subconsciously made the decision that Cass had known all along but did nothing to withdraw his pain, to barricade him from the events that take place at night

He didn’t want to admit to himself that Cass used those words to emotionally manipulate him, to hold a triumph card over his head

For Neil however, there was limited time to be having a conversation with his mother while they were on the run

His father was not one for affection and was too busy butchering people

Neil remembered seeing this attractive girl while he was on the run

He also recalled straying off track to talk to said girl and how his mom had beaten him up right after

Love was something he couldn’t experience as a runaway, he didn’t live the life of a normal teenager

Never getting the opportunity of settling down in one place and getting to know the people there

“Relationships were a dangerous thing,” his mom would always say

Neil thought back to the time his mother had compared him to a wild animal

“A wild fox is what you need to be to survive these circumstances. Do not be tamed by human longing, to tie yourself to desires is the quickest way to damage your future.”

Neil would always crack a smile, thinking about this certain memory

His mother was right from the very beginning, he was indeed a fox but what the majority of human population decide to forget was that foxes lived in packs, in families and Neil had found his family

Neil was aware of the common beliefs of foxes being thieves, tricksters, manipulators, solitary

And Neil was all this and what’s more was the simple fact that he was a human

Even after breaking apart from these mindsets Neil still wasn’t comfortable saying “I love you”

After learning about Andrew’s past it was an agreement that they wouldn’t bring up former words that had hurt them

Besides Neil and Andrew had more efficient way of showing their love

The constant questions of “yes or no?”, Neil buying chocolates and ice cream for Andrew in the middle of the night, setting boundaries that the other respect and follow, giving space when needed, and all other countless small things they do for each other :)

[redspiderling]

MCU Breakdown: That b-roll called Endgame

It's here. The film to end all films.

I’d like to point out for the sake of your sanity, that the amount of incompetence is so ridiculous, there’s nothing to be learned from this. I don’t have any pieces of film that I can build on, or offer fixes for. 

The mistakes are on such rudimentary concepts. It’’s like trying to find wisdom or offer a solution to an equation that insists that 1+1=12. No it doesn’t. It equals 2, and the Russos just suck at directing.

Starting with the obvious dig we are all aware of (sorry, I couldn’t help myself), apparently the Burtons have been living in dog years, because this kid aged 7 years from 2015 to 2018.

Also, they're like, 5m away from the target? Not exactly Hawk-eye, Hawkeye.

How about this one, doesn’t Bruce look like he shrank 4 sizes? The distance between Cap and that doorway can't be THAT big for Bruce to be that tiny.

How fucking lazy do you have to be, that FX studios edit green screens and place your actors in a conference room? Why couldn't they shoot this in the traditional way? And no, it's not the holograms, that shit can easily go ON TOP of the footage, no need to use green/blue screen, they are just lazy bastards with too much money, and can just green screen everything for no reason. 

And I know I'm not crazy, because in the next shot you can see him standing in practically the same spot but WOW, he's normal sized and appearing next to Rhodey now! If he was so far back he was tiny in the previous shot, he should have been significantly smaller in this one as well.

So sloppy.

Next on this travesty of a film, lets take a look at Natasha

Listen. I know we've been talking about changing the light to fit the mood, create an emotional atmosphere etc, but you can't do that in the same scene, ok? Natasha doesn't literally slightly shine up from a different angle (in the previous shot, the dominant light came from the left, now it’s from the right) when Cap walks through the door.

Also, if it was just the sandwich. And the... glass. And the water in the glass. And the book and the. Screen. Basically all the items on the table. If all the items on the table were the only things you guys moved, between Natasha closing her eyes and then opening them again when Cap spoke up, I wouldn't have mentioned it. But you ZOOMED IN, and turned your camera A BIT to the right, and now there's an entire bookcase behind her that wasn't there before. The fuck man. Someone needs to look into whatever it is that's haunting Headquarters.

This probably goes without mention but between the Avengers' meeting 5 years ago, the scene in the spaceship when they take off, and now Natasha at her desk 5 years later, the light has practically remained the same. The characters have been transformed, emotionally. They've grown for 5 YEARS. They've been through enormous emotional changes in these few scenes and yet they had to literally go to a different planet, to get a noticeable change in the light and the colours. No, Natasha's hair and regained eyebrows don't count as colour changes. That's Scarlett going bananas with the few things she had some control over.

Also, I know the following isn’t related to the visuals but who am I kidding, I’m going to point it out:

So, apparently, Steve went there to see a friend. Same friend who is crying in front of him, because Clint is on a murder spree. So Steve, fresh back from his support group goes to see Natasha, who is emotionally distressed, and Natasha offers him her food. 

Give her back her sandwich, you monster! 

By the way, you don't get to say "not us" Steve. You only go there to do your laundry, eat Natasha's sandwiches, and tell her that the work she does, to keep the survivors safe, "doesn't need to be done".

So your depressed friend Natasha is crying Steve, because keeping the world safe is hard work. She offers you her food, and in return you say that what she does is probably not worth her time.

Is anyone. Literally anyone, proofreading this script? Are the directors consciously directing?

Russos: Ok Chris you're being casual and positive. Say you would offer her to cook, be supportive, but that you actually can't because you can't cook. So you’re not actually being supportive, you just say you potentially could have been. Now Scarlett, push YOUR food to him because, well that's what a crying Natasha will do and Chris, don't pressure her to eat or anything just, tell her maybe she should give up trying to save the world.

... WHAT IS THIS SCENE?

Moving on before I get an aneurysm

5 years have come and gone, but the lighting in this room remains exactly the same. 

They shot these scenes on the same day and didn't bother changing the lighting at.all. Seriously. On a 120+ million dollar budget. And they couldn't change the lighting on these two completely different scenes that were set 5 whole years appart, and just happened to take place in the same space?! 

Actually, fuck the lights, They Didn’t Even Move The Camera.

Lazy ass bastards.

Lets look at our friendly neighbourhood Australians

Room A on day 1 before the murder

Room A on day 1 after the murder

Bright, shiny, it's a beautiful day outside vs Night time, high contrasts, storming outside. Also, camera angles. Top one is casual close up, two people chatting. Next one is closer to the floor, taken from the level of the murdered woman. For fucking dramatic effect.

There's more, check this out. The Avengers about to go and kill Thanos

And the Avengers having lunch

So, just to make things clear, basically Scarlett did the job for the Russos and regrew her eyebrows and changed her hair so that we could tell the difference between "about to go to war" and "having lunch". 

Steve's shirt is even the same colour as it was 5 years ago. 

I’m glossing over the fact that we see food and Hulks head and in the background barely visible from the horrible lighting we kinda see Natasha and Steve’s faces. Just the faces though, for the expression you should fix the brightness through your video players guys.

Aaaah. Much better. It took me about 30 seconds to fix that frame. With a magic, secret software called Adobe Premiere. Just don’t tell Marvel it can be done, ok?

You know what else looks exactly the same? Happy, fullfilled, family man Tony, and depressed and isolated "5 Avengers for the price of 1" Natasha

Be honest with yourselves. There's a bunch of us on this website who could have done a better job shooting this film.

There’s a bunch of us on this website who could have done a better job shooting a film that made close to 3 billion dollars in the theatres.

I just fixed the brightness on the frame of a film that cost 120+ million dollars. 

Life is a lie.

[silentfcknhill]

AtLA + LoK Villains Evilness Rating

(If you wanna dispute my ratings I’ll be happy to tell you why.)

ATLA:

Ty Lee - 0.5 /10

Cinnamon roll. Too pure for this world. Naïve and will put her faith in you 100%. Kind of ditzy but can take you down with no hard feelings. Needs to be liked by everyone. Is very flexible. Can strangle you with her legs and giggle while doing it. Chooses bad friends. Has frustratingly good luck. 

Uncle Iroh- 1/10

Actual angel but could still open up a can of whoop-ass if necessary. Too supportive and forgiving. Loves tea, sitting around, speaking in proverbs and leading by example. Probably considers you a friend. Surprisingly powerful but mostly peaceful. Hard to provoke but if you do, just run. Fear the nice ones. 

Jet- 3/10

Misguided and extreme but also traumatized. Don't get in his way. Kind of twisted and obsessive af. Ends justify the means, until they don't. Needs a proper role model and has potential. Can be unreasonable and is still kind of a jerk. Will gaslight you. 

Prince Zuko- 3.5/10

Conflicted, violent and angsty but mostly needs a lot of reassurance. Has a major boner for his honor. Will freak out over nothing. Has been through a lot and will not be underestimated. Grumpy and willful af and won't listen to you until it's too late, then will blame you for misleading him. 

June- 4/10 

Might beat you up or kidnap you for money but it's nothing personal. Might insult you as a way of flirting. Looks pretty and delicate but don't be fooled. Can beat you up in a split second and not break a sweat. Will probably take all your stuff and never give it back. Lives for the tough girl aesthetic. 

Mai- 5/10

Is just bored and over it all. Throwing knives is something to do. Apathetic and will probably just follow along with whatever including murder but will complain the entire time. Emo af. Would risk it all for a quick nap. Prone to bite your head off. Too smart for you and will let you know. 

Wan Shi Tong- 6.5/10

A total dick. Tired of your shit and is judging you. Thinks humans are garbage and won't get involved with them until it suits him. Don't touch his books or he will literally eat you. Nerdiest bastard. Doesn't trust you so don't try any shit with him. Sees through your pathetic lies. Kind of an elitist.

Combustion Man- 7/10 

Thinks blowing shit up is a form of art. Doesn't believe in communication. Very serious and focused. Do not fight him. Probably gets crapped on more than he deserves. A mystery wrapped in a bald head. Probably has a tattoo of the names of all the people he's killed and he's ready to add yours. 

Hama- 7.5/10

Traumatized old hag. Created bloodbending but too crazy to do much with it now. May kidnap you and keep you in a dank hole forever. Seems sweet at first but is hiding a lot of secrets. Don't eat her cooking. Thinks sitting at home scheming is a job. Hates you for whatever small thing you did to her 57 years ago. Forgets nothing. 

Long Feng- 8/10

Conniving af. Will brainwash you, lie to your face and maybe make you disappear. Wants everything and will plot to take it all. Perfectionist and control freak, will stab you in the back and you won't see it coming. Is tired of taking everyone's shit. Thinks he deserves better but he doesn't. Kills children. 

Admiral Zhao- 8/10 

Explosive temper. Huge egomaniac and narcissist. Hates the moon. Has probably killed a lot of people and fish and you're next. Will do whatever it takes. Won't listen to anything you say. Punch first, ask questions never. Jumps to a lot of conclusions, is usually wrong. Frequently embarrasses self. 

Koh the Face-Stealer- 8.5/10 

Terrifying and will probably steal your face. Do not approach. Too indifferent to chase you but can be sneaky af so watch your back. Doesn't handle emotions well. A total loner. The guy who knows everything but nobody wants to talk to. Fear him. To know him is to hate him. Makes you question everything. 

Firelord Azulon- 9/10 

Will order your execution on a whim and maybe a relative or two first for the appetizer. Do not question him. Will play favorites and call you out on things that are his fault. Overreacts and you should probably not be around when it happens. Disapproves of all your choices and is very vocal about this fact. Forces parents to kill their children. 

Firelord Sozin- 9/10

Will commit genocide and take over the world while yelling at you for minor shit. Kind of a petty and jealous asshole. Even if you think he is your friend he isn't and is going to attack you. A big old bully with bad breath and a wonky beard. The original starter of all drama and certified instigator shitlord. 

Princess Azula- 9/10 

Unstable and manipulative. Sadist who thrives off of your fear and suffering. Will hurt you badly in all the ways. Avoid at all costs. Acts cold and calculating but really has no chill. Demands your respect but won't earn it. Trolling you gives her pleasure. The spawn of satan and loving it. Mommy issues to infinity. 

Firelord Ozai- 9.5/10

Second worst dad ever. No soul. Will burn every tree and face to a crisp. Child abuse for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Actual sociopath. Will kill someone and banish you for it. Goatee comes first. Will project all his insecurities on you. Will tell everyone your secrets. World's biggest megalomaniac. 

LOK: 

Varrick- 3/10

Will probably lie, try to con you out of money, order you to do things for him and tell bad jokes but that's as far as it's gonna go. Eccentric and annoying af. Doesn't know when to shut up. Needs to learn some lessons in life. Attracts more trouble than he's worth. Has all the good gossip somehow. 

Bataar Jr.- 3/10

The guy that nobody likes because he tries too hard and ends up ruining everything. Enjoys being a bitch. Wants to rebel but is bad at it. Do you love me now father? Tries to act like he doesn't care what you think but cares way too much. Will not kill you but might get engaged to your ex to spite you. 

Police Chief Saikhan- 3.5/10 

Will do anything you say for a price, except give a fuck. Doesn't really care about anything. Might arrest you just because he doesn't like you. The type to pretend he didn't hear you just to avoid responsibility. Likes to yell into things. Hates helping people. Is actually a giant rock in disguise. 

Tahno- 3.5/10 

A total prick. Has nicer hair than you and won't let you forget it. Very flamboyant and arrogant. Will gloat over being better than you at everything even though he cheated every time. Talks mad shit but can't walk the walk. Ultimately a big baby. Lowkey protect him. Wants to be the cool kid but isn't cool. 

Desna- 4/10

Couldn't care less. Actual inanimate object. Lurks around for no reason. Hates everything and that includes you. Listens to his elders and would probably leave you for dead. Just wants to sleep. Secretly goth. Might actually be two small robots in a trenchcoat pretending to be human. 

Councilman Tarrlok- 4.5/10

Attention whore with a savior complex. Smol bean who wants approval. Acts arrogant but is secretly depressed and self-loathing af. Stubborn and clingy emotional wreck with impulse control issues. Needs a hug. Will probably manipulate you through guilt or charisma. Wants to be Lucius Malfoy, but cries at night. 

Hiroshi Sato- 5/10

Has lost sight of what's important. Total extremist. Will get revenge on you for something you didn't even do. Well respected and seems innocent but is plotting your downfall. Can build a whole army and take you down. Kind of a traitor. Loyalty is volatile. Thinks he always knows what's best for you but doesn't know shit. 

The Lieutenant- 5/10

In way over his head. Wants to make a difference but has let bitterness take over. Will probably electrocute you. Puts his faith in the wrong people. Kind of snobby and will hold a grudge. 99 problems and benders are about 98 of them. Tired of being pushed around but still lets himself be pushed around. FLOPPY MUSTACHE. 

Aiwei- 5.5/10 

Thinks he's better than you and probably isn't. Wants to be sneaky but really is just too predictable. Boring af and tries to be unique but fails miserably. Lets everyone take advantage of him. Don't lie to him. Will harbor resentment and take it out on you at a random point in time. Discount Long Feng but not as smart or ambitious. 

Eska- 5.5/10

Will stalk you aggressively. Thinks slavery is a relationship. Eyeliner sharp enough to kill. Never betray her or she will destroy you. Might use you as a footstool. Seems emotionally dead inside, but don't test her dormant waters. Uses everyone and feels no guilt. Hipster trash. No concept of boundaries or social interaction. 

Ghazan- 6/10

Sarcasm game strong enough to fatally wound you. Doesn't say much. Has tree trunks for limbs and will probably use them to throw lava and rocks at you. Lowkey protective af. Don't get on his bad side. You can't get on his good side. Would rather kill everyone including himself than let you win an argument. 

Zaheer- 6/10

A wannabe hippie but will still fight the system and you too. Don't try to control him. Gets annoyed when people breathe too loud. Is kind of a contradiction. Will literally blow you away. Anarchy equals freedom. Fuck the police. Can sit in the same spot for a really long time. Probably a flat earther. 

Ming-Hua- 7/10

Has a significant disability but can still easily slaughter you. Innovative and sneaky af. As fast and agile as an actual lemur. A natural disaster wherever she goes. Doesn't listen to your advice. Overcompensates a lot. Probably her own worst enemy. Is quiet and likes to eavesdrop on your business. 

Kuvira- 7.5/10 

Wants to control everything. Who invited her to poop the party? Highkey evil and just plain mean. Will use your corpse as a decoration if you get in her way. Secretly petty and superficial af. Thinks social bonding is trying to seduce you in order to take charge of your life. Individuality punishable by death. Even other villains hate her. 

P'Li- 7.5/10

Can explode you with her mind. Her gaze will pierce you to the core. Strong independent and violent woman who don't need a man but chooses to have one anyway. Will shave you off just like the sides of her hair. Has no problem fucking shit up. Boss bitch. Loyal to only a select few, so too bad for you. 

Amon- 8/10

Charismatic but scary and mysterious af. Huge hypocrite. Will silently judge you. Powerful, selfish and cruel. Manipulative as hell and uses intimidation to get you to comply. Pretends to have empathy but really just wants control. Will cripple you physically and emotionally without warning. Knows all of your weaknesses but none of his own. 

Earth Queen Hou-Ting- 8.5/10 

The actual worst. Eats your pets for supper. Her yelling is the #1 cause of deafness worldwide. Will keep you prisoner and then have you killed for looking at her. The bossiest Drama Queen ever. Will be the cause of all your misery and will be proud of it. Bark is the same as her bite. Lots of daddy issues. 

Chief Unalaq- 9/10 

Religious extremist. Actually batshit insane. Wants to destroy the entire world. Has ascended from this pathetic plane of human existence. Loner whose only friends are invisible. Wants you to think he's just shy and misunderstood but NOPE. Knows what you want to hear and says it. Will sell you to satan for one cornchip. 

Yakone- 9.5/10

Worst dad ever. Will either bloodbend you, try to live vicariously through you or both. Absolutely no redeeming traits except for being physically human. Abuse equals tough love. Might beat your ass for no good reason and expect your gratitude for it. Criminal mastermind with no conscience and all of the entitlement. 

Vaatu- 10/10

Actually the devil. Literal incarnation of darkness and chaos. Ultimate troll and force of disaster in the world. Doesn't know any better, but still an asshole by choice. Will use you until you're no longer of value. Has a hard-on for destruction. Likes to play the victim. Will consume your soul and burp loudly.

[nerdzzone]

Light After Dark: Chapter Four

Summary: Brooke Harris was trying her best to be grateful. As the world tackled the COVID-19 pandemic, she was healthy and safe and so was the rest of her family, but her dreams had very quickly been crushed by the economic fallout. Trapped on the quaint island of Jersey with nothing, but free time to wallow in her mistakes, Brooke’s mental health was taking a hit, but when she collides with a handsome stranger she starts to realize that the future might not be so bleak and there might still be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Pairing: Henry Cavill x OFC

______________

Once the ice was broken, the floodgates opened. Despite the fact that neither of us had much going on in our lives of quarantine, we spoke almost every day. Sometimes on the phone, but mostly by text. It felt so natural with him. I wasn't sitting around for hours trying to compose the perfect message, I didn't stress about whether or not a certain text was worth sending. He put me at ease and it was making the whole lockdown experience much more interesting.

April. 20. 2020

Me: I've started watching your show

Henry: And what do you think?

Me: I'm only about three minutes in. Is it going to scare me? That was a very intense start...

Henry: It has some unsettling moments, but I wouldn't say it's scary

Me: If it gives me nightmare then you better be prepared to talk to me in the middle of the night when I'm afraid

Henry: Ha ha I promise I will, but it's not that bad. There's some gore, but not much that will haunt your dreams

Me: Alright, I'll keep going then

Henry replied with a thumbs up emoji and I returned my attention back to the show, but I was messaging him again before much longer.

Me: You look so different with that hair

Henry: Different in a good way?

Me: Well it's not a bad look, the whole rugged thing is quite sexy

Henry: I'm glad you like it 😉

Me: Not a huge fan of those eyes though

Henry: The contacts were awful to wear, but it did make it easy to get into the role with how different I looked by the time I was done hair and make-up

Me: I can imagine. Were those pants as uncomfortably tight as they look?

Henry: Well...We did go through several pairs...because they kept ripping...

Me:

Me: Careful Henry, I'm trying really hard to rein in my thoughts before I start objectifying you...

Henry: 😂

Henry: I won't tell anyone if you do 😉

Me: Stop distracting me, I'm trying to watch a very serious show

Henry: Alright, but just wait until you get to episode five

Me: Why?

...

Me: Henry? Why?

...

Me: What happens in episode five?!

****

April. 25.2020

Henry: My mother would like to know if you do savoury baking as well as sweet

Me: You told your mother about me? How cute

Henry: I wanted to get ahead of any rumours of assault that may have come out after our first meeting

Me: Are you sure you weren't gushing about the amazing woman who knocked you off your feet?

Henry: I believe it was me who knocked you off your feet

Me: Physically, yes. But emotionally, it was definitely the other way around

Henry: And what makes you think that?

Me: Whisking me up into those big strong arms trying to impress me, wanting to check over my ankle as an excuse to get your hands on me. Clearly, you were enamoured

Henry: Ah, yes, you've caught me. When I meet a woman I'm attracted to, the first thing I want to do is touch her ankles

Me: Back in the Victorian times that was quite a treat

Henry: Men tend to aspire to a bit more than that these days 😉

Henry: But I will admit you captured my attention as soon as you stopped hyperventilating

Me: Not my best first impression...Perhaps you should raise your standards

Henry: Well, it's quite flattering when a woman literally forgets how to breathe at the sight of you

Me: Ha ha very funny 🙄

Henry: Are you ever going to answer my question?

Me: Yes, I do savoury baking as well from time to time

Me: I actually made calzones tonight

Me:

Henry: I like your dinosaur apron

Me: Ha I forgot I was wearing that

Me: It would seem the best gift for a baker is novelty aprons, I have a whole variety of them

Henry: Very cute. You and the aprons 😉

Me: Awe, shucks. You're sweet. Anyway, why did your mum want to know about what I bake?

Henry: She was trying to make focaccia bread and had some difficulties

Me: I told you bread was hard

Me: Best tip for focaccia is to not over handle it. Don't knead it too much because you want to keep the air in. Letting it rise in the pan you're going to bake it in helps so you don't have to move it

Henry: Great, I'll pass that on. Thank you

Me: You're welcome. I'm here for all your baking kneads 😂

Henry: Very funny 🙄

****

April. 30. 2020

Me: I finished your show

Henry: And what did you think?

Me: Let's just say I'll be sneaking into your house to steal that script

Henry: 😂

Henry: I'll make sure I hide it somewhere safe then

Henry: But I'm glad you liked it!

Me: I did! Honestly, I don't watch or read much fantasy stuff, but it was really intriguing

Me: And I did enjoy episode five 😉

Henry: I thought you might 😉

Henry: I had to dehydrate for three days to look like that

Me: ...what? are you serious?

Henry: Yes, it makes your skin super thin so it just sits on your muscles and they look extra toned

Me: Okay, I don't like it now! That sounds super dangerous

Henry: Ha ha well, it's not absolutely no water for the whole three days, you taper it off

Henry: But it does get quite miserable by the time you're ready to shoot on the fourth day. You can practically smell any water nearby 😂

Me: 😒

Me: I still don't like that

Me: I've seen you in person and I very much doubt that those muscles don't look sufficiently massive on camera without silly tricks like that

Henry: It was a small price to pay for such an iconic scene

Henry: It's right out of the video game. I should have had my feet up on the front, but the bath was the wrong shape and that would have gotten a bit too graphic for our rating

Me: Ha! Not a fan of full-frontal?

Henry: I'll admit I've come quite close, but no, no full-frontal

Me: When did you come quite close?

Henry: During the Tudors there were quite a few racy scenes

Me: Hm, which episodes exactly?

Henry: Ha ha you'll have to figure that out for yourself I'm afraid

Me: Darn, well it was worth a try 😉

Henry: It would hardly be fair for you to see that much of me without returning the favour

Me: There might be a few videos floating around the internet that you could track down

Me: Kidding, by the way. Just realized that we probably don't know each other well enough for you to know I'm not that kind of girl

Henry: Would it be wrong if I was a little disappointed?

Me: Yes, don't be a dirty old man

Henry: Old?!

Me: I did some research, you're going to be 37 in five days 😲

Henry: That's hardly old and, not to be rude, but you can't be too far behind

Me: Never try to guess a woman's age, Mr. Cavill, it gets you into trouble

Henry: I said I wasn't trying to be rude!

Me: I'm 30, I'll be 31 in August

Me: Practically a baby still compared to you

Henry: You keep telling yourself that

Me: Careful what you say or you won't get the amazing birthday cake I have planned for you

Henry: Sorry, sorry, I'm old and you are far more youthful

Me: 😚

[dzaneena]

2020 Recap, Onwards 2021!

New year always makes us think of how our previous year has been. It’s been a heck of a ride and I think it would be sort of a good way to remind ourselves of the hardships, lessons learned, and growth there’s been in the past year. Here’s how mine turned out. January

Oh, new year, new hope. I thought this would be the year I could make it mine. Get the things I’ve always wanted and spoil myself with every little thing I could not have when I was younger. Job is going well, financially stable and able, everything was fine. This month, I’ve purchased my first Macbook. Yes, apparently I’ve been sucked up into the apple ecosystem and now I want to experience all of it if I can. I did and I’m happy about this. It’s been a dream for someone who always had to save each meal into two so I could have it for my next meal just so I can save money.

February

Oh, the month of love! Yes, yes. I had the chance to travel to Thailand, being the temporary adopted child of a friend’s family. I was thrilled to be there and experience this one-of-a-kind experience. At this time, the virus was not that rampant with everything and there were no restrictions for travel. We thought everything was fine and would be fine. 

March

A week after arriving from our trip to Thailand, I got a text from one of my closest friends asking if I would like to spend a weekend in Vietnam with her. Well, of course I did! At this time, finances were a-ok! I could afford it. Plus, the food there was really good at a low price! We didn’t spend much on this trip. We just hung out and took photos here and there.  We arrived one day before the city announced General Community Quarantine. We were lucky to arrive at that exact day or we would have been stranded in another country for God knows how long. :( Work was feeling the effects of the pandemic already. 50% of our workmates were laid off. This was a sad, sad time. I couldn’t help but think of all our workmates who had to think of how to survive without work through this pandemic under the quarantine with little to no mobility. 

April

Work has been... work. Everyone had to cut their hours and get back to basic pay. I am thankful to still have work but this took a big hit with my finances, of course. I live alone. Recently paying off the house I’ve invested in from last year. 

This was also the month my friends practically forced me to play mobile games. Thank goodness they did! This was where all my rage/frustration was spent. 

May

Remember that house I invested in? Yeah, that went down the drain, literally lol. I’ve been having problems with leaks and puddles of water coming through the walls of the house which caused a chain of serious issues, health-wise and safety-wise. This was a hazardous house to live in. I guess it’s true what they say about things being “too good to be true”. I’ve tried to settle this with the landlord but I didn’t get not one penny back, not even my deposit. I’ve been paying this for over a year. Much, much regrets. There’s a whole lot that happened during this time. I had to move out and decided to just cut further losses and be done with it. I couldn’t sleep at night for no idea how many weeks/months because of all that money I’ve invested that just vanished. I still feel a weird kind of sadness every time it rains. It always flooded in that house whenever it rained. So you can see how much I relate to that movie “Parasite”. 

June

Lucky I have a house to still come home to. This was the previous house I lived in before purchasing that God-forsaken flooded house. I was adjusting and trying to make the best of what I could for the time being. I had a small renovation project as well. 

July

Renovation project going well and it was my joy to see how clients were happy about it. This was also the first time I was seeing my mother since January and it was only for a few hours because she had to go back to our hometown within 24 hours or else she would have to be quarantined. Traveling was such a pain during this time. We can’t even go visit our hometown to see our family.

On the bright side, I got to try out a lot of food (all home-cooked, of course). And I got to learn to cook some Korean food as well. I was well into the k-drama world for this whole time.

August

Kittens were growing up well. My cat gave birth in May but a lot of things happened then. I had 3 cats pregnant almost at the same time. Needless to say, we had to castrate our lover boy cat, Brutus. Though he had one last go before we did this and got another round of our cats getting pregnant. I can’t even. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Had the opportunity to do a product photoshoot for a local ice cream business. It was an amazing experience and it’s cool to think that people actually believe in my photography skills if I had any. LOL. 

September

My birth month. I found out that I wasn’t even worth one minute of people’s time to text me. LOL. Well, life goes on. (Insert BTS’ Life Goes On)

On the positive side, my boyfriend’s family decided to do a Korean dinner (Samgyeupsal, Kimchi Jjiggae, Tteokbokki) for my birthday. It was really sweet of them. 😭🥰 I couldn’t spend my birthday with any of my family but they spent it with me. I’m tearing up just writing this down hehehe thankful for this second family.

October

One of my closest friends was getting married. I kid you not, we were waiting for this day to happen ever since college. We travelled to the city where he was getting married with the Friendship Pause crew. (That’s a whole other story LOL) It was nice getting a nice moment down from all the crap we’ve been facing. 

I was also able to get back to my hometown for my mother’s birthday. Despite all the travel restrictions, we managed to push through. My eldest brother and I are the only ones not living in our hometown. 

November

Ahh, yes. The year is almost over but it still feels like we’re stuck in March. During the span of the year lately, I’ve been actively looking for a second job for extra income. And thankfully, because I’m such a “never give up, never surrender” kind of person, I’ve landed a few jobs project-based for this year. I’ve been a graphic designer, personal assistant, transcriptionist, food photographer, social media manager assistant, etc.  I’ve also landed my latest job from a start-up company. It’s amazing how some people can see your grit and potential. I pray we all get to do what we want to do in life so it won’t be such a chore to do. My first (online) job is the very first job that I actually enjoy and everyday, I am really excited to get work done. Hoping that this company recovers from the economic hit of the pandemic fast. 

December

Ahh, the last month for this challenging year. What could be in store for us? I think this pandemic has hit us physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and financially. It also makes you realize things. I realized that I’m no one’s go-to friend. I’m just that extra friend right there when you need me to be. Not a particular someone you call when something’s up. That’s okay, I guess. We can’t be everybody to...well, everybody! Haha! 

I’ve been into tech lately and with all the gaming I was doing, I created a gaming page somewhere along in those past months. Streaming games was one of my stress relievers. Hopefully, if I can have a stable source of income, I’ll be able to do this full-time seeing that traveling is still out of the picture.  All in all, this was such a shitty year. There are a lot of in-betweens that happened this year and I had to just highlight some things but basically, it’s just been so hard. I know I’m probably not the only one struggling and trying to survive on a daily basis. I am thankful that I have a job (3 actually, 4 if you count our online business on hiatus) and I am still able to put food into my stomach. But sometimes, we just need a good cry and some ice cream maybe.

If you’ve read this far, thank you! Thank you for actually caring to read my thoughts and random stuff I have in mind. We may not see each other but please know that I really appreciate your effort. 

On a lighter note, I hope everyone will be happier this coming 2021. Stay safe!

[sibyl-of-space]

Final Fantasy IX ~ Melodies and Memories

"Jesters of the Moon"

There are a lot of very good video games in the world, but it takes some luck and circumstance outside of a game's control for one to reach me at just the right time(s) and place(s) in my life that it has a tangible impact on who I am -- who I want to be. One that carves out a space for itself in my soul that will never be removed or replaced.

I've just finished playing Final Fantasy IX for the first time, and there's no doubt in my mind that such is the case here.

(Continued below readmore.)

I drew this art last year, when I was mourning my attachment to an old favorite game that I just don't feel the same way about anymore: Majora's Mask. I wanted to draw something that captured my feelings about it, because sometimes art is the best way to talk about something when the words don't want to come.

Why is "Jesters of the Moon," the name of a random song in the Final Fantasy IX soundtrack, plastered in the middle of this Majora's Mask fanart? Especially considering I hadn't even played Final Fantasy IX yet when I drew this?

The reason is exactly that "luck and circumstance" that allowed me to fall so uniquely in love with the game.

"Mt. Gulug"

In 2008, someone on YouTube uploaded a Majora's Mask parody-slash-let's-play series called "Majora's Mask: The Things Which Were Taken Out." The series has since become unlisted and won't be linked here out of respect for the creator who probably doesn't want things they said and made in 2008 being spread all over the internet, but because of Unregistered Hypercam 2 reasons, the series inserted other background music over the video and didn't record the actual game audio.

I didn't recognize any of the music, but I watched these parody videos on repeat because in addition to being funny (...at the time, in my mind, at least), I really really loved the music. It got to the point where I would sometimes be playing Majora's Mask and get disappointed when I approached Goht and the Mt. Gulug theme wasn't playing in the background.

I had forgotten about these videos for a really long time in the interim, but I remembered them at some point when I was thinking about Majora's Mask and I found them again. The creator had cited the Final Fantasy IX soundtrack for virtually all of the background music used in the videos, and I realized that despite knowing literally nothing about the game, I had become really fond of - and weirdly nostalgic for - the songs from it that I now recognized.

So I looked up "Jesters of the Moon" and played it on repeat while I drew out my feelings in colored marker. A few months later, I realized that my backwards compatible PS3 can also play PS1 games, and eBay had FFIX for PS1 at a good price. I had nothing to lose by ordering it and seeing what the source of all that fantastic music was like.

"Vamo Alla Flamenco"

I started my playthrough knowing nothing about what to expect from the game. I'd never played a Final Fantasy game before and my overall JRPG experience has been mostly limited to Tales of, Persona, and more recently, mainline Shin Megami Tensei. The only things I knew about Final Fantasy were a) the Tidus laughing scene, and b) Sephiroth. IX seemed like it had vibes I would enjoy, but beyond that I knew nothing about what the experience would be. So I approached it with a "let's have fun and see how it goes" attitude, naming my party members the first silly thing that came to mind, ending up with "Swaggy," "OwO," "Bitchin," "Gunz," and "SWOOORD" to start with.

(For the record I do not regret those names whatsoever.)

I was immediately struck by how differently the game uses music in comparison to all of my previous JRPG experiences. This was not a game where the composer was given a list of theme songs that were slapped on top of a mostly completed game-- this was a game constructed with the soundtrack in mind as a part of the writing process.

The opening act plays almost like an opera (side note, yes I know one of the other FF's has a literal opera, I haven't played that one): you traverse the same locations from different perspectives as different characters, introducing the cast with lighthearted humor and dramatic irony out the wazoo. While you traverse the city as OwO, OwO's theme is playing in the background, coloring your perspective of the city and the narrative. When you switch to Gunz patrolling around the castle, Gunz's theme accompanies your movement and informs his character and mission. I am so accustomed to "location themes" being the norm in virtually all video games that experiencing character and/or narrative themes as BGM instead while I bumble around town changed my entire perspective on what music in games can do and be.

The operatic feeling is definitely intentional, because the game uses a play-within-a-game narrative device to hit you over the head with its themes in a way that is somehow poignant and artful while also being extremely blatant. That is a hard balance to strike, but it manages. The whole game is like that: it is completely straightforward and tells you exactly what it's about at heart, but it does it beautifully.

At any rate, I was enamored with this intro and had a very fun time, but I wasn't obsessed or anything and ended up putting it down. I spent several months on the first half of disk 1 with weeks passing between play sessions. I liked the game plenty, but life stuff happened and I decided to get obsessed with Dai Gyakuten Saiban and Ghost Trick for a while. No regrettis.

It was already clear, though, that FFIX was going to be special to me. My compositions for my team's game in the Global Game Jam in 2021 were directly inspired by FFIX's opera-like intro. I wrote two character themes for our game that would serve as background music when you play as the two protagonists, coloring your journey differently even when moving in the same spaces. I was intentionally trying to mimic the way music is used in FFIX as an exercise. The themes I wrote are definitely some of my strongest work so far.

(You can check out the game here if you want, I promise it is significantly shorter than Final Fantasy IX.)

"Melodies of Life"

Music caused me to pick up FFIX the first time, and music caused me to return to it. After months of not touching or really thinking about it, just earlier this week I was inspired to play it again, because - again - I listened to the right song at the right time.

I was again mourning the loss of something, in this case a friendship, for reasons I'm not going to share here. I had already heard the song "Melodies of Life" because it came up when I was looking up FFIX songs to reblog on Tumblr a few months ago, and I decided to listen to it again. Even without knowing the game context, the song itself really spoke to me in that moment: "a voice from the past, joining yours and mine, adding up the layers of harmony" - it kind of made me feel at peace with the fact that I had a lot of positive memories of that friendship and I could keep those at heart while also moving on in the present. ...I'm also a sucker for music metaphors, so there is that.

I was really moved by this song, cheesy as it is, and I was also definitely in the mood for a distraction. Picking up FFIX again felt like the best move.

It was, and my life is forever changed.

The game never stopped being beautiful and funny and touching, and the soundtrack never ceased to amaze. I recognized concepts I've seen in other games but never had I seen them used so artfully. I adored the fantasy world and non-human cast, I found myself enticed by random encounter for the first time because it made me feel like I had to struggle to survive a difficult journey. Music, gameplay, visuals, and story felt like one cohesive work of art for the entire duration.

Life circumstances got me to play the game again, but the game itself was so captivating and wonderful that I binged the entire rest of it - disks 2-4 - in less than a week. Everything else that the game had to say, it told me itself, in its own context, and I was ready to listen.

"You're Not Alone!"

This is going to make me sound like an emotionally-stunted twenty-something, but it has been years since a work of media has got me to have a really good cry. I used to cry playing games all the time as a kid but recently I'll find myself getting emotional, sure, often tearing up, but getting completely red-faced and snot-nosed because I physically cannot contain the emotions being evoked by a work? Years. I can't honestly tell you the last time it happened with certainty.

I feel like an emotional band-aid has been ripped off. I was f*cking sobbing during the entire duration of the "You're Not Alone!" sequence. It didn't matter that what was happening was obviously coming from a mile away, because the delivery was so raw and emotional and human!!! A whole game's worth of Swaggy punching first and asking questions later to save his friends, being Protag McProtag endangering himself for others in any and all circumstances, for the payoff of all of his friends forcing him to stop being such a primadonna and let them help him for once. It's true, too! He relies on them just as much as they rely on him! And the game doesn't just tell you this, no, it lets you try to solo all these fights and waits until you realize how boned you are until they come bail you out.

When Bitchin showed up with her "looks like you need a hand" I wanted to straight up yell at my tv. YES I DO!!! YES I DO NEED YOU BITCHIN!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!! I half knew that SWOOORD was going to heal me before I got truly KO-ed but I had been unmercifully wiped in "unwinnable" battles before in this game, so I legit thought I might have to re-do that whole part of the game again, and I was so relieved and thankful when she showed up and healed me.

This moment exemplifies everything that I adore about this game. It doesn't just tell you its story. It shows it to you, it sings it to you, and it and lets you play it out and feel it for yourself.

"Game Over"

This song is all too familiar to me. Gizamaluke's Grotto was very unforgiving for a first-time Final Fantasy player, especially one who didn't happen to pick up Big on the way for a fourth party member early on.

I hadn't heard the piano part in a few months, though, because when I picked the game back up I started just mashing to reload before it got to that point any time we wiped. I didn't hear it again until the game was truly over, this time for good.

I let it play for a while. Not too long, because I have a CRT TV and didn't want "The End" to get burned in. But a while. Enough to meditate on what I'd just experienced, and how I was feeling about it.

There's so much more to say about the game, far more than I could put in a blog post. But I don't think I need to describe these thoughts in words. I can do what the game did, and use music, use art, use stories, use metaphors, and use symbols to communicate what I mean; and hope that someone else is able and willing to listen.

And although a written record of my thoughts likely won't be preserved for all that long, maybe the feelings and the memories will be, so long as they have been shared.

[rivalsforlife]

AAA thank you for the commentary and also for the links for the art + the piece with kay giving miles a hug, i hadn't seem them!! miles really really needed that hug :C since you said you like doing commentary, i'm so sorry, but can i ask for phoenix and miles talking in the hospital in chapter 7? reading the commentary about The Scene made me rush to read it again right after haha take your time though, i get these are long to do and all!! thank you again!

Anonymous said:

Wait hold on I would purchase this DVD Director’s Cut Commentary on your fics in heartbeat! I only just realized that you were doing them. Sorry to be another catch up game request and sorry that it’s a somewhat long passage, but could you comment on the scene where Phoenix and Miles reconcile in Miles’ hospital room in chapter 8?

Got two asks for this one so I guess I have to do it haha! (And I’m assuming the first anon meant chapter 8 instead of chapter 7 haha.)

and also @\ second anon request I am so glad to hear that there’s a market for my 150 hour long DVD that’s me reading my fics and then rambling about them repetitively the whole time, maybe I can drop out of school after all! (jokesjokes)

Anyways!! the scene!! under the cut!!

I totally lied I have a few things to talk about first... this is probably one of the scenes I fiddled around the most with at the last minutes before publishing, because like I said in my commentary of The Scene at the end of chapter 5, it got a much bigger reaction than I was anticipating and then I was side-eyeing the rest of this fic to make sure it worked out haha. Particularly this scene, since it’s sort of the resolution to the end of chapter 5, so I wanted it to work out alright without it seeming like it just... wrote off everything that happened with chapter 5.

Okay I’ll start now I promise.

Phoenix’s heart pounded in his chest to a degree he thought might have something to do with a health condition. Maybe it was in the pamphlets. Kay reached around him, knocked on the door, and gave him a wink before darting away. How disrespectful.

meddlesome thief daughter is determined to help get her totally-not-a-dad a boyfriend. Also Phoenix is way more intimidated by the thought of an Honest Emotional Conversation than he is at running into a burning building which I think is in character, honestly.

“Come in,” said Edgeworth’s muffled voice, so Phoenix gave himself one moment to take a deep breath and then entered the room.

Edgeworth sat in the bed by the window, looking at his burnt and bent out-of-shape Steel Samurai figurine perched on the windowsill. At least it had been recovered; Edgeworth was fond of that one. Edgeworth himself was definitely worse for wear, with his hands bandaged and gripping tightly to his inner arms, and his skin a sickly pale colour where it wasn’t bruised, but he was awake and alive and the sight was nearly breathtaking.

hhghgh okay confession time! Up until I was about halfway through the fic the big moments in chapter 7 went down a little differently - originally this was going to involve, like, Miles getting kidnapped by the mafia group he was taking down and then Phoenix would go in and break him out of there, but then I ended up taking it out because I wasn’t really Vibing with it and it just seemed too dramatic and implausible... but honestly what I went with was probably equally dramatic and implausible, so no points there for me.

I mean I kinda regret burning down the prosecutor’s office. If I had more time to prepare/edit or I guess if I could do one thing in this fic differently, I’d probably rewrite part of this resolution so it was more emotionally oriented because I suck at action. plus like the health-related consequences of this whole misadventure kind of got glossed over, in true ace attorney fashion, but regardless. 

This was absolutely caused by me not being totally sure what hurt/comfort meant (which chapters 7 and 8 were based on as a theme) and figuring to go with the safer option of more physical hurt/comfort than more emotional hurt/comfort; although some of that got in there at the end.

And one of my edits was definitely recovering the Steel Samurai figurine because that was the most critical thing in Miles’ office imo. Or at least from Miles’ perspective.

Edgeworth looked over as Phoenix entered, and his entire body sagged in relief. “Phoenix,” he breathed.

“Hey.” Awkwardly sticking his hands in his pockets, Phoenix walked over and sat on the chair beside his bed. He couldn’t help but think about the last time he and Edgeworth had been in a hospital room together, their positions reversed. “How’re you feeling?”

“I’ve been better,” said Edgeworth, and his voice was still rough. “I—I don’t… you’re alive.”

“‘Course I am.”

“Gumshoe and Kay told me everything, you know.” A menacing look flashed through his eyes. “What you did.”

Phoenix braced himself.

Gumshoe and Kay probably were there right when Miles woke up, a little before Phoenix did, I suppose -- or at least around when he was being rescued, maybe? I didn’t think this timeline through super well since Miles was in worse condition... ignore that! Anyways they definitely told Miles that Phoenix was alive, but considering Miles presumably witnessed him fall through a burning building, he can’t fully believe it until he sees Phoenix upright and walking around like nothing’s wrong.

“How could you be so reckless?” he hissed, and even though some of the danger was lessened when his voice was so shaky, Phoenix still recoiled. “You could have died, easily! You defied direct police orders and — and all — all logic and reason and for what?”

“To save you. Of course.”

“I would have been fine!”

Risking his life for someone is just your average Tuesday for Phoenix. But it shook up Miles a lot, and all of his anger is completely coming from a place of concern, but Miles being Miles doesn’t really know how to express emotions outside of angry glaring and in this case angry yelling.

“Would you?” Phoenix challenged, and Edgeworth’s glare redoubled. “Look, Edgeworth, I wasn’t going to die, not while I still had something to live for —”

“How is that going to stop you?” Edgeworth demanded. “People can have the world to live for and they still die! By your logic, I-I wasn’t enough for m-my —” He turned away and broke off into a coughing fit.

The realization struck Phoenix like a physical blow. “No, I didn’t mean to suggest —”

The “I wasn’t going to die, not while I had something to live for” is a reference to Phoenix’s line at the end of AA4; “People don't die that easily, really. ... As long as they've got something worth living for.” Which is a nice sentiment, really, and might work for Mr. Indestructible over here, but is not how things actually work, which Miles points out.

What he was going to say (if it’s not obvious) is “By your logic, I wasn’t enough for my father,” because you know Gregory would have done anything to stay with his son, but a bullet to the heart is a bullet to the heart. There’s not much “having something to live for” can do about that.

“Something to live for isn’t going to save you!” continued Edgeworth, once he recovered. “Why can’t you realize that? It’s not going to stop a bullet, it’s not going to save you from a fall, you — how much longer are you going to keep relying on your luck like this?! Do you — do you even realize how much danger you keep putting yourself in?”

His choice of examples here are what I want to talk about - “not going to stop a bullet” refers to both Gregory’s murder and also the last time he saw Phoenix’s life in danger, during SOJ when the guards burst in and are pretty much pointing guns at their heads -- I’d be surprised if Miles wasn’t terrified watching that, even if he wouldn’t admit it after everything calmed down. “not going to save you from a fall” refers both to this most recent falling through a burning building but ALSO Phoenix falling through the burning bridge in Bridge to the Turnabout, another instance where Phoenix almost died and Miles was involved.

And the events of SOJ where Phoenix walks in and risks his life for a kid, while something that Miles understands he would do since that’s the kind of guy Phoenix is, still were reckless and if Phoenix didn’t have protagonist immunity who knows if he would have made it through Khura’in, which is the most recent traumatic event prior to this fic.

Phoenix held up his hands. “Edgeworth, it’s okay.”

“No! No it’s not! Y-You… Do you have a death wish? Why would you ever…” He trailed off, digging his fingers into his arms and looking away.

Miles is just kind of... panicking a lot as the full weight of the situation they were just in catches up with him and just how close he was to losing Phoenix. He was going to say something like “Why would you ever do that for me?” but that’s edging a little too close to the whole issue of the rejected confession; he’s not someone particularly special to Phoenix, at least not in the way Miles would like, and they parted on awkward terms, so why would Phoenix still go out of his way to save him like this?

“It’s fine,” Phoenix tried to soothe. “We’re alive. If I hadn’t gone in there, who knows if they would have gotten to you in time, or if you hadn’t gotten that mask on when you did… Look, I don’t want to just sit back and watch you die —”

“I don’t want you dead, either! You imbecile! You…” He took in a sharp, shaky inhale. “You could have died, and it would have been my fault, do you think I want that? Do you think I could live with myself if that had happened? And not just now, you keep throwing yourself into reckless situation after reckless situation and one day you’ll pay the price for it a-and god, Wright, no one would ever want that, do you even consider the effect that would have o-on Trucy, on everyone, on…”

He turned his head to the side to hide it better behind his bandaged hand, but Phoenix could still see the tears dripping down his face. Phoenix hadn’t seen him cry since — since they were kids, probably. His eyes had been a little watery after the DL-6 incident was resolved, but Phoenix hadn’t actually seen anything. Even when he came to the Agency after prosecuting cases where the public details alone made Phoenix’s stomach turn, and he’d whisper about the horrors with his face in his hands long after they were sure Trucy was asleep, he hadn’t cried.

“Miles,” Phoenix whispered, horrified, reaching out for his shaking shoulder.

Edgeworth flinched away, curling in on himself. “Please don’t touch me.”

Miles... pretty much has a full-on breakdown here because he’s been through a LOT in the past few days. He finally worked up the courage to confess to Phoenix and was rejected, and then probably spent a lot of time worrying about how this could change their friendship, and if Phoenix would be less comfortable around him from now on; plus in general the hurt of being rejected plus the humiliation of having read the situation so wrong (so he thinks). Then the office was attacked which was horribly traumatic on his own, and dredged up some DL-6 trauma for him too with the building shaking like it did. Then Phoenix comes running in to rescue him, which Miles doesn’t understand, because they had parted on awkward terms and he doesn’t think Phoenix would want to go rescuing him after that; at the same time this is the sort of thing Phoenix would do because he’s so dedicated to the people he cares about and Miles loves that about him; and then he thought for a while there that Phoenix had fallen and died trying to save Miles, making it indirectly Miles’ fault that he died, and now he’s lost the man he loves and he’s lost Trucy’s father and someone who was such a loyal friend to so many people -- but he’s okay! and acting like nothing happened! plus it’s the first time Miles has seen him since his attempted  confession and it’s still a little raw for him.

so he’s a complete wreck emotionally... which is why he’s crying. I don’t see Miles as the type of person to cry a lot and ESPECIALLY not in front of other people. That’s probably very embarrassing for him, too, not to mention he’s crying in front of Phoenix, who’s trying to comfort him, which just makes everything worse.

Also Phoenix calling Miles by his first name and kind of reaching out to hold him reaaaally does not help.

“Alright.” Phoenix reluctantly lowered his arm. “I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I’m sorry for worrying you,” Phoenix corrected, and Edgeworth peeked out from between his arms with reddened eyes to glare at him. “I know that sounds like a half-assed apology. But I’m not going to apologize for saving your life. I’m never going to stand by and let you or anyone else die if I can stop it.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Yeah. Probably.”

Another instance of Miles not knowing how to process feelings and being kind of angry-cat-like about it.

“Your life has more value than you know,” Edgeworth mumbled. “I wish you’d stop treating it so cheaply.”

“I’m not more important than anyone else.”

“You are to me.” Edgeworth sighed. “Forget I said anything. I know it isn’t going to stop you from doing the exact same idiotic thing in the future.”

HERE is a subtle callback to, once again, their conversation during the dinner in chapter 4 (which I’m referencing a lot back then since I guess it’s the scene where everyone’s repressing their emotions):

Phoenix immediately shook his head. “Hey, no, you were off doing research, planning to change the judicial system. I’m not more important than that.”

“You…” Edgeworth looked away and grabbed his arm. “... That doesn’t change the fact that I could have done more.”

He was going to say “You are to me”, like he did in this scene, but changed it at the last moment because it was too sappy and a little too close to his true feelings. 

Miles now, going through an emotional breakdown, has less control over what he’s saying so it just sort of slips out -- but he regrets saying it since, well, Phoenix doesn’t feel the same way about him, he wouldn’t want to hear that, it’s not going to change anything.

“I don’t think it’s idiotic for me to try and save someone I care about from death,” Phoenix argued, punctuating his sentence with a cough.

“You shouldn’t do that for me.”

“Of course I would risk my life for you. You’re… you…” The words got stuck somewhere before his tongue.

Edgeworth’s eyes squeezed shut as if in pain, and he turned his back to Phoenix. “Please just… give me space, Wright.”

What Phoenix is trying to do is express how important Miles is to him in a romantic sort of way, but he still hasn’t fully acknowledged everything yet to do so, there’s a whole psyche-lock left, so he can’t quite get it out.

Miles perceives this as Phoenix trying to comfort him and say that he is important -- and he does know that he is important in some way to Phoenix -- but trying to do it in a way that can’t be mistaken as romantically-intended, once again reminding Miles of “hey remember when you tried to confess to him and it backfired so horribly”, so he wants space. Both for now because he’s dealing with a lot of other trauma, but also to take some time and get over Phoenix so he isn’t reminded of this and they can go back to being friends like before.

“No,” said Phoenix, and when Edgeworth tensed, “I-I mean, yes, I’ll go in a minute. I just… I wanted to talk to you about, uh, before all this. I-I know it’s terrible timing.”

Edgeworth was silent. Phoenix feared he was being ignored. “It is indeed terrible timing,” he said, eventually, his voice nearly unrecognizable. “I thought I said I didn’t want to talk about this again.”

Miles is anticipating the “You’re a great guy and a great friend, I just don’t feel the same way, but I’m sure you’ll make someone happy someday” conversation, which, while not a bad thing in most situations, is really not what Miles wants to deal with right now! Avoiding it was partially the reason he left so quickly at the end of chapter 5, and now he’s cornered in his hospital bed and does not want to have this conversation... ever, really, but especially not right now.

Basically Phoenix’s timing sucks, don’t have an emotionally charged conversation about why you rejected your crush after a traumatic incident irl, this is fiction though and I’m doing it for the drama.

“You don’t have to say anything. You don’t ever have to talk about this with me again if you don’t want to.” Phoenix ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “I just want to apologize, a-and if I don’t do it now, I’m not sure I’ll have the courage to do it again.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, Wright,” said Edgeworth, to the wall.

one of the first drafts of Phoenix’s part had “You don’t ever have to talk to me again if you don’t want to” which was imo too far; Miles wouldn’t completely abandon Phoenix over this, and also, if Miles wanted to cut off all contact with Phoenix he’d probably just do it. Phoenix is just promising he won’t bring up the conversation again.

Miles thinks he’s about to apologize for not returning Miles’ feelings, which of course isn’t something Phoenix would have to apologize for.

“Yeah, I do.” Phoenix took a deep breath and summoned more courage than he ever had before. “I… I lied to you. When you asked me how I felt.”

Edgeworth turned his head back to him. Phoenix willed himself to not look away, or crack some cheap joke. Just kidding, Edgeworth! I enjoy toying with your emotions! That wouldn’t go over well.

Miles would be well within his rights to cut off all contact with Phoenix if Phoenix DID say “Oh by the way I do love you! haha just kidding! why are you crying.”

And these two being so dedicated to The Truth is why Phoenix focuses the apology more around “I’m sorry that I lied to you” -- also why he was so bothered by the comment Miles made about his honesty throughout chapter 6 and 7.

Edgeworth’s face crossed at least three equally incomprehensible emotions before he asked, “Why?”

The incomprehensible emotions are probably some variation on “am I dead???”

“I…” Phoenix sighed, and admitted, “I don’t know.”

“It would make more sense if it were the other way around,” said Edgeworth, and his expression closed off. “I’m — I’m not misunderstanding, am I?”

Instead of asking if he was misunderstanding, the first draft of this had Miles ask if Phoenix was trying to spare his feelings... but I think Miles would know Phoenix well enough to know that Phoenix would never do that.

Phoenix still hasn’t worked through his Issues and hasn’t outright said that he does love Miles, just that he lied about how he felt - sneaky way to get past the psyche-locks. 

“No, you’re not,” Phoenix insisted, leaning forward. “I didn’t mean what I said back the other day, when I said I didn’t feel the same. I-I just panicked, I think. I knew, already, how you felt, but I never thought you’d say it. I never knew exactly how to read you, then suddenly you’re baring your heart to me, and it was too much.” He realized how close he was to Miles, and started getting out of his chair. “I-It’s a stupid reason. I’m sorry. I-I’ll just go, you don’t have to deal with me right now —”

“Wait.” Edgeworth grabbed his wrist before he could go too far. “Please.”

His grip was gentle but still firm. Phoenix sat back down with superhuman effort.

Phoenix finally realizes that dumping heavy emotions on Miles right now might not be the best idea! But Miles starts processing what’s actually going on and demands answers Right Now. And he initiates physical contact again. I usually try to have it go about when writing these things that if someone refuses physical contact (like Miles does before) they’re the one to initiate it again, just so that no boundaries are broken here.

Edgeworth was silent for a long time. “Always turning things around on me, aren’t you,” he said eventually, in a hoarse whisper.

This line was a fairly last-minute addition! Just imagine it being said in kind of a... exasperated-fond tone of a man who is very much in love but also very tired. “I understand you always want to turn things around on me but did you really have to do it this way, Phoenix,”

Phoenix ducked his head. “I never meant to hurt you. I — I care about you a lot, Miles, and I’m sorry if I screwed things up because I got scared. I want the same thing you do, I just don’t know if I can anymore, it’s been so long and…” He let out some self-deprecating laughter. “Isn’t that stupid? I’m such a coward. I know you, I know you wouldn’t hurt me, not on purpose. But I just can’t…”

So Phoenix hasn’t been in a serious relationship since the Dahlia-Iris debacle in college, which by this point, is fifteen years. And that was traumatizing enough he’s not sure he knows how to navigate a romantic relationship anymore or be vulnerable in that sort of way again.

That “not on purpose” caveat is there because Miles has hurt Phoenix pretty badly before -- not intending to, of course, because I don’t think he thought anyone would really care after the “Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth chooses death” note, but he still did anyways.

And since I usually like to plan out what characters are saying when I have them trail off like that... Phoenix’s intention was to say something along the lines of how he can’t get over what happened or whatever this emotional block is that won’t let him express his romantic feelings freely, but can’t find the words for it.

“Don’t you dare put yourself down in front of me.” Edgeworth reached out, slowly, to guide Phoenix’s head upward to meet his eyes. “I… I always thought you were the more… emotional, of the two of us. I’d assumed you weren’t saying anything, before, to give me time to process how I felt. I thought you were just waiting for me to speak up.”

Miles kind of degrades Phoenix often in court but, at least after Turnabout Goodbyes, I was always under the impression it’s just courtroom banter/not letting Phoenix think he’d go easy on him. Judging by the big emotional speeches about Phoenix’s brilliance he tends to give afterwards, there’s no way he actually thinks Phoenix is stupid.

And the rest of that is pretty much giving the reader who has not read these extensive DVD commentaries more insight into Miles’ perspective throughout the fic!

“Guess we got it the other way around,” said Phoenix with a faint laugh. “I-I mean, I used to be that kind of person. Everyone always knew how I felt all the time. It didn’t really… well, you can’t survive long like that.” He placed his free hand over his heart. “I-I’ve got locks, you know that? Black ones. I don’t know for sure why, but I can guess.”

Edgeworth scowled. “Dahlia?”

“Not just her,” said Phoenix. “She — and Iris — they’re not the only ones, you know, who — who I thought betrayed me.”

Edgeworth released Phoenix’s wrist. “Me,” he realized. “You thought I’d betray your trust again.”

Pretty much summary of Phoenix talking about how he used to be the “Feenie” in Turnabout Memories and then the events of the games slamdunked him into the emotional repression zone. ... to put it simply.

And Miles’ hurt at Phoenix pointing out that Miles had betrayed him in the past (referring to the Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth chooses death thing, primarily, because Phoenix describes it as a betrayal himself in the games) is less hurt that Phoenix doesn’t trust him and more guilt/anger at himself for having hurt Phoenix in the past to the point it could be comparable with what Dahlia and Iris did.

(Phoenix interprets it as the former, though, in the next paragraph.)

“I know you wouldn’t,” Phoenix clarified, because the brief flicker of hurt across Edgeworth’s face was unbearable. “I trust you to be a good person, and I trust you as my friend, but I… Miles, you left before, and it hurt. A-And let’s be honest, you’ve always been the smarter of the two of us, you’re better looking, you — you’re always fighting for justice, now, for truth, you’re honestly incredible. Why wouldn’t you want to leave me?”

“I trust you to be a good person, and I trust you as my friend, but I don’t trust you not to leave again” is the full version of that sentence, but Phoenix stopped himself because it seemed too cruel to say out loud.

And Phoenix using the word “incredible” here is also a very tiny subtle callback to Miles calling Phoenix incredible back during the original confession in chapter 5!

... I realized looking back on it that in my editing of that confession I accidentally cut out the part where Miles calls Phoenix intelligent during that conversation, shit, and then Phoenix claims that Miles called him intelligent when arguing back, which doesn’t make any sense anymore. Originally when Miles says “surely you figured it out already?” it was a little later and he said something like “surely you figured it out already, with your brilliant mind” but that was overkill so I cut it out but forgot to cut out the intelligence comment! fun how you realize these things so long after publishing! anyways. once more, please ignore that.

THE POINT IS that the things they find attractive about each other tend to be similar because they have very similar values and goals; their fight for truth and justice being a core one.

“I don’t know where you’ve gotten these impressions of me, but you’re wrong,” said Edgeworth, his gaze locking onto Phoenix like he was chasing down a contradiction. “You can be very stupid, when you’re risking your life running into a collapsing building, for instance — but you’re one of the smartest men I know, smarter in ways I’ll never be. I wouldn’t be anywhere on my path to truth if you weren’t there to guide me. And…” A faint sheen of pink covered his face. “I find you extremely handsome. I’m not sure if you know this.”

Phoenix was sure he was turning red. “I don’t know why you would.”

“Any thought suggesting that you’re not good enough for me is wrong,” Edgeworth asserted. “I think it’s the other way around. You’re — you’re brave, you’re good, you’re always so strong despite everything… I admire that about you.”

look I love morosexual miles jokes as much as anyone else, but Phoenix is actually wickedly smart, albeit in an unconventional sort of way -- he’s a very flexible thinker and that can lead him to reach conclusions that Miles didn’t even consider. I found that interesting with investigations that sometimes Miles got so caught up in his logic and assumptions that he’d get stuck, and it was only emulating Phoenix’s thinking that got him out of it.

(Which is why I usually get a little irritated at some characterizations of Phoenix where he’s just completely oblivious in contrast to extremely intelligent Miles... anyways.)

And if my twitter feed is any indication, lots of people find Phoenix Wright attractive... so Miles isn’t alone there.

“But that’s just it, I’m not,” Phoenix argued. “I-I can’t be that. I’m always pretending to be strong, always smiling, for you, for Maya and Pearls, for Trucy… I think I forgot to be anything else. I didn’t want you to need me and then realize I wasn’t up to the task, and leave. Because…” He let out a bit of faint laughter, but there was no joy in it. “That’s always what happens. People need me, then they don’t, and they leave for better things. I wouldn’t ever want to stop them, but the more attached I get, the more it hurts when they leave me behind.”

oof this paragraph was a chore and a half to write because I had to kind of cut to the core of Phoenix’s characterization bits that cause the conflict of this fic, mainly the abandonment areas -- which was why I needed pretty much everyone Phoenix cares about to not be around as much as he’d like, which feels like he’s being left behind, as everyone fulfills their destiny and is happy and he’s just... the same.

which is like a total mood for me approaching the end of my years in university and having no idea what I’m doing with my life while most of my friends are gonna do great things -- but I also think it’s a fairly universal human experience. no one really knows what they’re doing.

But especially for Phoenix because his career was defined by saving a specific person -- in this case Miles, who’s past needing saving and is going on to save other people. Then there was taking care of Maya and Pearls, but Maya is a proper adult now and Pearl is also an adult and they’re living their own independent lives in Kurain Village without needing him. Then Trucy kept him together throughout disbarment but even she’s grown up and leaving to live her own life now. And like I said in the other asks Phoenix tends to fall apart without someone to take care of, and now suddenly he has no one to look after and is questioning his purpose if he’s not taking care of or trying to save someone.

And since so much of his personality is defined by that he kind of gets tired and gets in the mindset of “if they’re just going to leave anyway, why even bother getting attached?” which could have gotten really unhealthy if he’d allowed it to fester for much longer; luckily it got caught and dealt with fairly early with the help of off-screen therapy after this.

Edgeworth was silent for a moment, as if weighing his words. “You don’t have to be strong for me anymore,” he said. “I needed you when I was younger, but… I don’t need you now. That’s not why I’m still here.” 

Phoenix’s breath caught somewhere deep in his chest.

“I just… want you, Phoenix Wright, because I’ve known you for so long, and I’ve loved every part of you I’ve seen.” The lines around his eyes and mouth softened. “I won’t run from the rest. And I don’t want to leave your side, not for long, not for good, whether that’s as a friend or as something else. I am willing to try if you are.”

I really like these lines!! ... though I think I fiddled with the last paragraph a little too much and now it’s a bit too long and it throws off the rhythm a bit but oh well. is rhythm even the right word to use here? idk. 

But basically it’s about their relationship being much healthier now that Miles isn’t dependent on Phoenix for the sake of his own mental health -- he likes the person Phoenix is, even outside of all that Phoenix did for him, and even if Phoenix hadn’t done anything for him, he’d still love Phoenix. (... He’d probably be dead, too, and everything Phoenix did definitely helped his feelings develop, but regardless.)

And it’s also kind of what Phoenix needs to hear right now, because hey, Phoenix, people don’t stick around because you help them out; they stick around because they like you! And this applies to pretty much everyone Phoenix cares about (which Trucy says in her letter) but Miles is speaking on his feelings specifically since this is the Romance moment.

And the last line kind of enforces a “even if this relationship doesn’t work out, I still don’t want to leave your side, even if we’re only friends,” plus Miles comes down a bit from his dramatic all-or-nothing “I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU” speech and to a more reasonable “I’m willing to put effort and time into making this relationship romantic if you are as well”.

so maybe the rejection did him some good after all.

“Miles,” Phoenix whispered.

“If you want me…” He took a deep breath and rested one hand, palm up, beside Phoenix. “If you want me, I am here. And even if you don’t, I’m not going anywhere. It’s as I said before. I’m done running away.”

We don’t get into Miles’ head so I don’t get to explore his thoughts as much as I do Phoenix’s (which is why so much of these DVD commentaries are just What Is Going On With Miles Edgeworth since (I hope!) I conveyed Phoenix’s thoughts sufficiently in the actual fic. But this conversation is probably taking a lot out of him emotionally, too. He has no idea what he’s doing. I tried to convey that a bit with his actions with him thinking things over carefully and taking deep breaths to kind of brace himself into making a move.

And his words are once again affirming the “even if you don’t want to be romantically involved with me, I’ll still be by your side as a friend”, because their relationship is so important to both of them, they wouldn’t want anything coming in between that.

Phoenix extended his hand, brushing his fingertips against Miles’ palm. The sensation was the only thing that made him sure this wasn’t a dream.

“I’ve been chasing after you my whole life,” said Phoenix, scarcely able to breathe. “I don’t know what to do if I’ve caught up.”

shameless title reference. I struggled so much with this title I was lying in bed the last day of June like “screw it, the catch-up game??? Sounds catchy enough???” and threw it on there. This is my approach to most of my titles. Either I have a title in my head from the outset (Deep Dark Secrets, Fifty Flights of Stairs) or I make it up at the last possible minute.

“Well, you have.” Miles’ hand shifted, but it was only to thread their fingers together, tight and reassuring. “I don’t know either. We’ll figure it out together, as we do with everything else.”

Phoenix lifted his head to meet those familiar grey eyes, mirroring the fear and anticipation and the giddy, almost child-like excitement in his own, and he smiled. “Yeah. I think I can try that.”

neither of them know what they’re doing but together they can accomplish anything!! is the vibe I wanted to go with. Honestly the way that they can work together to do anything they put their minds to and create miracles in court is one of the things I love so much about this ship. They complement each other so well and have so much faith and trust in each other that they make the perfect duo. Like two halves of the same whole. about the closest thing you can get to actual soulmates.

Anyways that’s the scene! Hope both you anons enjoyed it haha. This is one of the big emotional conflict resolution scenes (the other being Trucy’s letter later) so it’s got lots of stuff to talk about, so thank you!!