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#it was way past my stop though
flowercrowngods · 11 months
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yearning hours (hidden track)
🤍 also on ao3
The city is quiet tonight, dormant long before midnight; weary at its very core, just allowing November’s cold to settle without much of a fight.
Steve should be asleep, too, but he doesn’t want to break the spell he’s under, doesn’t want the heaviness of his eyelids to become something deeper, something stronger, something that will bring an end to this feeling that’s come over him.
Sprawled on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, he just breathes. A steady in and out that‘s been effortless for a few hours now.
The breathes in the gentle dimness of his bedside lamp, inhales the sound of electro pop playing from beside him, playing from another lifetime altogether. He exhales the present, lets go of the thoughts of sleep, of leaving this moment, of moving anytime soon.
I saw your eyes. And you made me smile.
It’s been forever since he listened to this tape. So long, in fact, that he didn’t even know he still had it. Lifetimes passed since last he heard these songs, the synthesisers and guitars, the beat of his heart in tune with the drum of the snare.
Four years. It’s a lifetime. Everything’s a lifetime when the world ends, and ends, and ends. Everything’s a lifetime if you leave parts of yourself behind, unreachable for yourself, but far from untouchable for others.
Everything’s a lifetime if you live in Hawkins, Indiana.
And though it took a while, I was falling in love.
The song washes over him the same way it did four years ago, and yet it settles inside his chest, his gut, his lungs in a way it never did before. It fills him with each inhale, as if daring him to forget again. As if daring him to try.
There are three tapes spread out on the bed beside him, just within reach of his hand that’s hovering over the rewind button of his little radio that’s seen better days but still hasn’t ripped a tape in months.
Once the song begins to fade, he presses the button, the dim light now accompanied by the familiar clicking and whirring and the thoughts of seven, eight, nine, ten, as Steve is counting the seconds before he has to press play again to listen to Space Age Love Song again.
He exhales a drawn-out breath as, with another definitive click, the song starts over. Gentle snares fill his room. And Steve breathes.
I saw your eyes.
And he smiles.
And you made me smile.
Because somehow.
For a little while
He’s thinking about Eddie.
I was falling in love.
And for a moment, while he breathes and stares and listens, that’s okay. For a moment, for the duration of this song, for the lifetimes it survived and the ones yet to come, that’s okay. The waves of the music carry him through time and space, carry him to a world where it’s safe. Where the safest thing to do about your heart’s desires is not lying in bed and staring at the ceiling.
The phone rings. It’s midnight and the phone rings. Steve is floating, anchored and weighed down by his skin and bones, breathing himself back into reality, because the phone rings.
He looks up and reaches for the landline phone on his bedside table, the movement sluggish to his heavy limbs.
The words take a while to form, but he’s aware that the other person can hear the music playing, they’ll know he’s here, they’ll know he listens. They’ll know, hopefully, that he’ll talk soon. He just… He just needs a second.
But then it’s only silence that meets him, and Steve frowns. Just as he’s about to open his mouth and ask, he can hear a breathy little, “Oh. Shit.”
And he blinks. Swallows. Leans up on one arm to fight the floating.
“Eddie?”
“Uhh. Hi, Stevie.”
There’s a tremor to Eddie’s voice that Steve can make out even through the music he’s reaching out to turn down the volume now. Alarm shoots through him, accompanied by protectiveness and the readiness to take ok the world. For Eddie. Again.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“Yeah!” Too fast. Too breathy. Too frantic, and Steve can hear the clinking of his rings against the plastic of Wayne’s landline phone. He can see Eddie wrapping the cord around his fingers, can picture him chewing on it, too. “I just— uh, I… I cleaned my room? Rearranged it, too. I really like how… Look, ignore this, okay? I realised that this was kinda dumb the moment you picked up the phone.”
Steve leans back again, his head hitting the pillow as he lets Eddie’s voice wash over him. He sounds nice against the low music still coming from beside Steve. Eddie always sounds nice. Steve kinda wants to listen to him forever most days.
“What’s dumb, Ed?”
A snort, and Steve wants to feel that breath tingling his cheek, or neck, or throat. He wants to touch that smile of self-deprecation he knows spreads Eddie’s lips now, and wants to turn it into something more genuine. More vulnerable. More his.
“Calling you at midnight and telling you that i cleaned my room.”
“And rearranged it,” Steve adds, helpless against the gentleness of his voice as he says it.
“Yeah. That.”
He smiles, his eyes finding their spot on the ceiling again as he reaches for the radio again, pressing rewind, because his heart is a fluttery little thing tonight, and he wants to bask in it for a moment. Wants to be allowed to pretend.
Something old washing into something new. The feeling fits well with the others, a tenderness inside his chest where Eddie lives, surrounded now by the song, wave after wave, and with the memory and possibility and chance of different lifetimes, different phone calls, different Steves.
“I don’t think that’s dumb, Ed,” he says after a while. “I like it when you tell me things, midnight or not.“
“I… That’s cool.” Silence. But an Eddie kind of silence that it’s always only a prelude. Always. For bigger things the longer it is. And Steve’s counted all the way to seven before Eddie, quietly, secretly, says, “I like telling you things. Midnight or not.”
The smile that splits Steve’s face is almost one that needs to be hidden in the pillows, with the way the world sees it as a challenge when he smiles. But he doesn’t hide it. Midnight smiles don’t need hiding.
“So tell me about your room.”
Another silence, only five beats this time, but it leaves Steve yearning for Eddie to fill it nonetheless.
“Do…“ One, two, three, four, f— “Do you wanna come over and see?”
And now it’s Steve who’s silent. Steve whose heart is beating so loud he forgets to count the seconds, forgets to fill the silence, forgets just for a while that he’s still only pretending, he’s still only longing, not reaching.
And still, still still, he asks, “Right now?”
Eddie’s answer is no more than a breath. “Yeah?”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
Okay. He wants to stay in bed longer, wants to cradle the phone to his ear and listen to Eddie. To his breathy little voice, like he knows about midnight smiles, and even more about midnight whispers.
He’s still floating in the car, having grabbed one of the tapes from his bed, letting the more synthetic snares and guitars fill the air he breathes that’s beginning to smell vaguely of leather and tobacco and soil and Eddie.
The more you live, the more you love. Or so they say.
It settles in his arms the same way the car’s gentle thrumming does; this certainty. The longing. The love.
He’s not even sure when it happened, only that he can’t get rid of it now. Doesn’t want to get rid of it, most days. Not yet. He’ll spend the rest of his life letting it go, but he wants to keep it for a while yet.
Especially with Eddie calling him at midnight just… Just to tell him something that makes him happy. Obviously, obviously makes him happy. So happy he wants to tell Steve about it. Like Steve is worthy of that, like he is the obvious choice.
It makes him giddy. Makes him float. Makes him turn up the volume, letting it almost ruin the moment, fragile as it is — but only almost.
He makes it to the trailer park in no time, finding Eddie already outside. Waiting for him.
No amount of inhaling and exhaling is enough to save Steve now, not with Eddie approaching his car before he even comes to a stop. Not with Eddie reaching out to open his door, looking at him, face painted in the light and shadow of the little overhead light of the Beemer.
“Hi,” Eddie says. “I cleaned my room.”
“And rearranged it,” Steve adds, an echo of earlier, the same smile on his lips, but Eddie doesn’t smile. Eddie just nods, frantic.
“That, yeah. But… I cleaned my room. And you’re here. Because I told you. Because I cleaned my room.”
Steve blinks, loosening his seatbelt and slowly, so as not to spook Eddie, he gets out of the car. Comes to a stop in front of Eddie, the door still open behind him.
“Eddie, what—“
“You’re here,” Eddie says again. “You like it when I tell you things.”
Steve nods, the cold November air not enough to save him; he still inhales Eddie, still exhales a longing so deep his lungs feel like they’ll never fill again.
“And you like telling me things,” he says, because Eddie’s gone silent, his wide eyes still frantic, and Steve wants to help.
“You’re here,” Eddie repeats again, like it has a meaning that Steve’s not catching.
He nods, then, heart and mind racing alike. “Because you asked.”
But Eddie shakes his head, still rooted to the spot, still keeping his eyes on Steve like he’s afraid he might disappear if he so much as blinks. Steve wouldn’t think of it. Will stay as long as Eddie wants to look at him.
“Because you want to. Because you like it. Because… Because I cleaned my room. And the first thing I wanted to do was tell you. And you listened. And you told me it’s not dumb, because you like it when I tell you things, and— Steve. Steve.”
He can’t look at those wide eyes anymore, not when he’s been found out, not when the heaviness is returning, weighing on his limbs and his heart, telling him to panic and to run and—
“Steve.” A whisper. A hand on his cheek. Not to tip his head up. Just to rest there. Just to stay. “I wanna tell you things all the time. The stupidest, littlest things. I wanna tell you because you’ll listen and because you’ll— you’ll make me feel like… Like this. Because you’re here! You’re here when all I did was clean my room. At midnight. Way past midnight, actually. I’m… I… God, I just.” An exhale, and it sounds a lot like Steve’s. “I love you.”
Steve’s head snaps up, his eyes meeting Eddie’s again. Searching for the lie, searching for the dream, searching for one of those lifetimes that aren’t meant for him. But he finds none. He finds sincerity; scared, vulnerable sincerity, like Eddie is a little bit insane with it.
Like he’s faring no better than Steve.
“You… You do?” Eddie nods, frantic again, the hand falling from Steve’s cheek so he can pick and bite at his nails. Unthinkingly, Steve reaches for his hands to hold them in his own. “I— I’m…”
“It’s okay, you don’t— uh, you don’t have to say anything. Really. Please don’t, actually, I’m just… You’re here. I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe you—“
“Ed,” Steve whispers. “Eddie.” They sallow in unison, the air charged between them but clearing in Steve’s vision now, carrying him no longer like someone floating along the tides yearning.
He’s not floating, he’s not lifetimes away. He’s here. He’s here.
“Can I… Can I try something? Can I kiss you? Please?” he adds in a whisper.
And it is with that same whisper, with that same shared breath, that Eddie says, “Please.”
The kiss is chaste, but it’s enough. Enough to survive the night, enough to be not the beginning and not the end, but something comfortably settled in the in-between.
When they break apart, Steve doesn’t let Eddie go far as he pulls him into his arms rather immediately. Just to hold him there. To let his mind catch up. To bask.
And it’s only after a while of breathing each other in, their hands roaming over the other boy’s back in ways more gentle than they were ever allowed to before, that Eddie breaks the silence.
“I really do wanna show you my room, though, that wasn’t a ruse.” He mumbles the words against the side of Steve’s throat, and Steve — still unsure of his footing — laughs and brushes a careful kiss against Eddie’s temple that leaves him with goosebumps.
“Ready when you are,” he says, though it’s almost a sigh. An exhale. Exhaling Eddie, and inhaling his warm smile and the smell of his hair. Steve leans in for another kiss to Eddie’s forehead, lingering this time.
In and out. It’s all Eddie.
Ring-clad fingers find their ways in between his own, and then Eddie tugs him — gently, like he’s afraid Steve will break if he moves too quickly; or maybe it’s Eddie’s who’ll break — toward the trailer.
Inside it’s warm, the lights are low, and the only thing illuminating Eddie’s room down the hall is a black string of warm white lights wandering along his walls and in between photos and pictures and drawings and posters that litter his wall.
And in the middle of it all, there’s Eddie. Smiling at him, giddy and gentle and genuine and so, so pretty. And Steve knows, then. Eddie’s room has never looked better.
(the songs are space age love song, and the more you live, the more you love by a flock of seagulls)
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camgoloud · 3 months
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he still has his tonsils. by the way if you even care
#sorry this is fucking UNINTELLIGIBLE but unfortunately i’m still on my bullshit about dr. daddyissues. yeah it’s gonna be all month#i am rotating episode 2.8 ‘the mistake’ in my head at breakneck speed. i am gnawing on it i want to swallow it#oh he’s such a lying liar who lies. charming little bastard. would rather die/lose his license than express one wholly unaffected emotion#‘he thinks not giving a crap makes him like house. like it’s something to aspire to’ quick question HOW serious do the daddy issues have to#be before you start latching on to fucking GREGORY HOUSE as a paternal figure and role model. really#even cameron is not down this bad. even WILSON is not down this bad.#the daddy issues of it all are very understandable though because even setting aside whatever went down back in childhood that shit his#father did to him in seasons 1-2 is SO messed up. jesus#imagine traveling all the way across the world to the hospital your son works in for a consult which confirms what you already knew: you’re#going to die of cancer in like 2 months. making a whole point out of stopping by to visit your son. not telling him what’s going on.#letting him spend a whole episode’s worth of time gradually coming to terms with his complicated feelings towards you (complicated on#account of a whole childhood of objectively awful parenting). the kid finally is able to try reaching back out to you. after YOU initiated#the contact in the first place. how do you react? well obviously by telling him ‘oh sorry i actually have to get in a taxi right now’ and#fucking back off to the other side of the world without giving him a chance to actually talk to you at all and resolve any of the emotions#you just dredged up. oh by the way you still haven’t fucking told him you’re about to die and in fact actively mislead him into thinking#he’s going to have the chance to try meeting with you again next time he visits your home country.#especially fucked up given that the whole reason it DID take your son so long to come around THIS time is that he feels like every time#he’s tried reaching out to you in the past you’ve just disappointed him by refusing to put in the effort to meet him there.#And Now Here We Are Again.#rowan what the FUCK is wrong with you. i want to dig you up and kill you again#house md#robert chase#caseyposting
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astruccrow · 9 months
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Nishiki lives au also lives in my head, please please please someone talk to me about this pls plspls
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note-boom · 2 years
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Just some thoughts again for this episode sorry but....
Kyouka protecting Atsushi
Tanizaki getting triggered when they hurt Kenji (maybe not as unhinged as he is with Naomi but HE WAS PROTECTIVE OF KENJI)
The way the water the ADA stood next to rippled as soon as they stood up and decided to choose the path that led to less loss of lives...a ripple effect??
YOSANO'S BUTTERFLIES ANIMATED I AM OBSESSED
ALL the character moments like Kenji encouraging the ADA, Tanizaki being frustrated and protective, Kunikida never letting any of them die, Yosano saving them all with her ability, Kyouka going back for Atsushi, poor Atsushi being so out of the loop -
I wonder where the hideout Yosano was going to take them to was going to be....
#also idk if this belongs in the main post but i am obsessed with the way each agency member has a similar aged parallel to them#like a parallel within the agency that really plays off the whole life/death symbolism#like yosano/ranpo....dazai/kunikida....kyouka/kenji....and atsushi/tanizaki#hear me out the first have yosano as an angel of death and ranpo in his backstory confront an angel of death#yosano with a bloodstained past and ranpo with a fairy happy one#and then obviously kunikida with his ideals for life and dazai with his ideal to die#kyouka with her past as an assassin and kenji with his past as a farmer (cultivating life)#and then atsushi and tanizaki being....rather extremists but also just slightly ambiguous where they stand in this dichotomy#like atsushi obviously seems like life and tanizaki seems to be death but theyre both...well there is something anyway#BUT how in the end all of them choose life (yes even dazai) and how all of them still understand the deadliness and death of the world#armed detective agency my beloveds honestly#i cherish them all so much#and also even though the similar aged thing doesnt really work out here im gonna say fukuzawa and naomi can be a parallel#for the sole reasons that both are here really because of someone else even if one is the pres and the other a clerk#but fukuzawa is all about 'you are CHILDREN please be safe'#and naomi is like 'im gonna die with you or not try and stop me'#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bsd season 4#bsd s4 spoilers#bsd spoilers#spitting nonsense#bsd musings#armed detective agency#rambling in the tags sorry
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disposal-blueeee · 1 year
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really really small guys
edgar belongs to jhonen vasquez
scriabin belongs to @zarla-s
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png ver. for some reason
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andddd the sketch. for some reason too
#sunny's art#vargas#vargas zarla#edgar vargas#scriabin vargas#zarla s#scriabin#look at themmm#scriabin looks so so so pretty here#i have a specific image of an angry scriabin on my head#and i think this is the closest i'll get it#even if he's not angry here. but. just add some angry eyebrows and tadah !#my eye is swollen for no reason aaaghhh help me#my little sister was watching peppa yesterday#and there was this one scene of them making flower crowns#she said something about wanting to draw scriabin like that#(she knows the characters because i can't stop talking about them hahah)#so i decided to sketch something with this idea and. we have this. credits go to my little sister for the idea.#she literally asked me like FIVE TIMES if i could give her credits on the post. sooo#this is so funny i didn't expect this to look so pretty#it's even better that the drawing i've been working on for the past THREE MONTHS#and this one only took five hours. alright#if anyone's concerned. my mental health is way better now :D#i convinced like five of my friends to read vargas too so that also makes life interesting.#also they're making fan art and it's such a nice sensation#i'm still kind of blocked though. i'm wasting precious vacation time !!! aaagggghhh !1!!#unhhh probably i wrote something wrong here but i don't want to check#i almost forgot edgar's scars hahaha i didn't drew them at first because they looked like eyebags on the sketch#also i wanted to draw edgar's eyes but it didn't look good soooo#i wanted scriabin to look angry?? but he looks flustered instead.
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jankwritten · 7 months
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yall wanna know how fucked up my anxiety is about some shit
i scroll past a post that's about a topic i don't like. whatever, it's fine. i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't care about. that's normal.
i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't like or care about but the person presenting it is a person of color? i IMMEDIATELY feel immensely guilty and need to "compensate" by "proving" it wasn't because of race by also skipping other random posts, JUST IN CASE someone thinks I'm racist because I didn't want to watch a video on a topic I didn't like or care about, that happened to be presented by a person of color.
this just in on: the police in my brain are loud and i'm scared of them
#this is also because i grew up in a racist area and in that culture and my own ignorance i also Was Kinda Racist#but like in that way where you don't realize it's racism until you're out of it and now feel so ashamed that you forcefully block all#those memories just so you don't ever have to associate yourself with them ever again?#(mind you I was like. 15-16 and closeted and scared scared scared all the time so I acted like the Crowd and that was awful of me to do)#BUT NOW that i've grown and am learning and have taken classes on anthropology and all kinds of stuff I just feel like I notice my own shit#like TENFOLD now#it's my anxiety overthinking thing plus if anybody ever knows I could have done anything SLIGHTLY problematic the world will explode#plus my constant paranoia that someone is always watching me and just Knows that I'm Secretly a Bad Person (even though I don't think I am?#also I feel like I need to clarify that the kind of racism in my town wasn't like. klan shit. it was like very hidden racism?#it was like. kids casually doing black accents and making jokes with racist undertones. the kind of racism where race was always#the butt of the joke instead of an outright HATED thing. and I think that's why it was so hard to unlearn#it's like that thing where in order to stop wanting to kill yourself you have to stop joking about wanting to kill yourself#this has become a vent post accidentally i'm so sorry#this is just. one of my Major anxieties that engulfs me every day because of 1) anxiety 2) potential OCD 3) being a bad person in my past#this is another reason I fucking hate florida#because I just know if I had grown up in my home town in MI I would not have been raised in that environment#and it's my own fucking fault for falling into the crowd like that.#all this to say i traumatized myself and likely some people around me by being A Fucking Idiot when I was a kid#and now adult me is doing everything in their power to not ever be that person ever fucking again#tw vent post#tw racism#tw past racism#but im better now and I know my mistakes and I refuse to make them again#fuck florida for every fucking reason under the sun
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unproduciblesmackdown · 3 months
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Full Tech Day One pic today from kiko laureano (denizen of skid row / ensemble) & video (that's four seconds of "ya never know" playing over the static image) from & ft. marcia milgrom dodge (director / choreographer) double captioning "there might be puppets in this musical ;)" & "Well Shake my hand! Come see LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS @guthrietheater featuring @actually_will_roland's hand!"
#buzz lightyear screenshot i don't believe that's a puppet Or will roland's hand#lsoh#frog & toad shirt yay :) that i believe is saying ''frog & toad are gay'' yahoooo#in unfamiliarity with lsoh: had to look up that snippet of song. i do enjoy the full Songs i should straightup....pick an album of them?#which; relevantly to this being a show with Versions. also like i've only seen the movie once a minute ago....#i know the movie Differed like the musical going well audrey dies then so also does seymour :( does one tragicomically lose a hand first#classic Hey My Hand :( maneuver :( still i reflect on the change like i don't want them to die.... :(#it's Enriching though to reflect on. like a fun balance of ''is there shortcomings of Metaphors? maybe but it's backed up by Story''#then are there shortcomings of story? maybe but it's backed up by how that'll play into a strength of metaphor. makes it Overall Enjoyable#and that i'm not an expert like plenty to muse on re: what are the Metaphors. and then how are they executed. what do i think#and i'm enrichingly not quite settled on Should They Get To Survive; Metaphorically? like i think it's fine either way#i mean we also Have it both ways lol. i think? i don't know about past or present variations versions iterations re: Onstage Medium#it's like it's supposed to be tragic too right right cautionarily so. yet. i indeed go :( about it. i think it's fine it's fine....#or do i. as you can see lmao a fun In Progress mental journey....like pointing to Doomed Tragic Couple iphegenia crash land falls#i would Not change it i would not Want it changed. not even for a what if; really. yet their basis is Knowing They're Kindredly Doomed.....#seymour and audrey are just america's little t4t couple who Do deserve to murder orin plant or no & More :(#much to consider. and always little Invocations to spice things up like & this plant won't stop trying to fuck them i guess#nodding thoughtfully as we are also amidst aesthetics that invoke larger contexts re: race; class; maybe even. gender. and more????#love a lot going on. love that it's really not trying to Be extremely settled in some Conclusive manner in any version. tends to be a win#and love that SPIT TAKE rick moranis walking on into the closing performance of be more chill on broadway???????#enjoy that one post of [god's mistake of making me so incredibly attracted to rick moranis] '80s gum stickers. ricky m#guy who's never seen kapow-i gogo seeing another show with a prop hand: wow this is just like kapow-i gogo
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aroaessidhe · 1 year
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2023 reads
What Stalks Among Us
YA thriller
two best friends skip a field trip to explore some old forgotten backroads - and get trapped in a looping corn maze full of weird shit, including their own dead bodies
they have to figure out how to get out, what’s killing them, what’s causing the maze, and face their traumas
fat girl MC with anxiety, both are bi and have ADHD, no romance
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undyinglantern · 1 year
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the amount of surprised pika “wait people actually shave their arms?” comments on posts about body hair are so funny like I unironically am so happy for you that you weren’t laughed at by a classmate for having hairy arms “like a man” in like 4th grade this is why I wish body hair conversations would stop centering around armpit hair
#okay that’s the tldr but the way I actually remember it is that the classmate (a boy) pointed out my arm hair and ask why so hairy#and I genuinely was so confused I was just like idk??? and then later at home that day I asked my mom about it and she was like#It’s bc your dads side of the family is hairy so then I later talked to that guy again like ‘I take after my dad’ or whatever#And /then/ is when he laughed and was like ‘but you’re a girl’ about it#Granted I’m non-binary but like I didn’t know that in elementary#Plus I didn’t stop shaving until around mid 2010s and was still self conscious about it for years#Like I remember feeling embarrassed during college (2018ish) if I had to use the rest room and someone else was in there when I would roll#My sleeves up to wash my hands#Anyways I eventually stopped caring about it sometime within the last year or 2 but see how long that took? It really shouldnt#Like some of us just genetically have more darker thicker visible body hair than others and we shouldn’t be shamed for it#One thing at a time though because even I’m still working through leg hair shame#I don’t shave them anymore but I also haven’t worn shorts outside of my bedroom in years#I’ll literally switch into shorts if it’s too hot right before bed and switch back into pants before stepping out of my room in the morning#I’ve been feeling cute the past few days and it’s starting to warm up again plus also had a convo w mom recently so#I might change that soon but only within the house still bc baby steps <3#Anyways I’m just rambling now so I should stop. Good night !!
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holedyke · 6 months
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of course the night i need to get to bed at a reasonable hour bc i have a early rise is ruined by my own brain working me up into a complete meltdown 😵‍💫 i am a prisoner to myselfffff
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candlebel · 7 months
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I cared. I still do. I still think of you and I still cry over you. You were importat to me. You still are.
#I was interested. I wanted to get to know you.#I did not want validation. I only said it because you said it... I don't know why. I was susceptible.#I was blindly accepting certain things that you said about me. Judgement that you had for me.#I was under severe stress from my job at the time; while at the same time dealing with unresolved emotional trauma and very low self worth.#I was burnt out. Crushed... Completely.#I didn't want attention. I did not want you to cure my depression. I though I was just letting you know me. I wasn't aware I was oversharin#I tried... SO HARD to get over the things that triggered me and hurt me but I just couldn't...#I wanted to. I did everything in my might; I took it to therapy; I looked everywhere within me; to either get over it#or completely forget about you and stop caring at all; so things were ok and normal again; but it didn't go away...#I just feel so... unsafe... at the idea of talking again#I know I wasn't the best listener and I profoundly regret that.#I was not only thinking about myself like you said and I was aware of the effort that other's put; but I was afraid/resistant to PRECISELY#that cause of past events with other people. Because in some I was the one putting that effort and ended badly for me. Looking back#that was inappropiate of you because you felt too comfortable generalizing my past relationships and why in your head they failed.#“I cant help but feel you are looking down on people who” Stay away from me if you ever make a stretch like this again.#By “experiment” I meant that you don't know how a relatioship with somebody is gonna turn out until you go and try. That's all I meant.#I didn't want things to turn out this way. I'm sorry they did.#The effort I put for you may have been shit to you. But to me it was a lot. And I'm done taking judgement.#Altho I love my friends I still keep distance. I still can't completely help that. I can go months not talking to my BF.#You were my BF during my teenage years. I remembered you fondly. I still do.#I don't feel ready to talk again having to keep to myself interest that I might have. Related to trauma. I do not feel comfortable with tha#No I do not look at your blogs.#The day I said I was abused I had a panic attack right after that. That's mainly why I had to cut contact: I didn't want another one.#I didn't tell you because I didn't trust you to not say “talk to the void” again. I didn't trust you to want to hear about it. I didnt feel#safe with you anymore. Event tho we ressumed contact I felt that way the entire time.#I wanted to answer all the questions you had; I really did; until I couldn't stand it anymore.#And the day I removed you from discord... I know you probably had an awful day that day... I'm so; so sorry...#I'd like to one day be completely unbothered by assumptions and stuff cuz I know it's not your fault... You went through stuff too...#vent#stuff
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spectrum-color · 2 years
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Hot RotE take: Fitz going straight back to Molly once Burrich died would not have happened if he hadn’t partially Forged himself.
Molly was Fitz’s first love, and I believe that Kettle was right that their relationship belonged to his youth. They were never going to work long term. It was a fundamentally childish romance primarily based on physical attraction; they were generally either having sex or fighting which is age appropriate for teenagers but not the foundation for a life partnership. He used her to hide from himself and the parts of his life that he didn’t want to acknowledge. Molly was a symbol of simplicity for him, one that I think he had outgrown by the end of Fools Fate. More than that, I think he would have gotten over it if he hadn’t put all of his pain over her marrying Burrich into Girl on a Dragon. By getting rid of those feelings, he made it impossible to process them in a healthy way, so when he gets them back suddenly it’s 17 years later and Molly is a widow approaching middle age with 7 children but he still thinks of her exactly the same way he did when they last saw each other. Add on Beloved leaving him just after he got over his fears of accepting the intensity of their bond and was ready to reciprocate love with no limits (the most traumatic possible thing that could happen to someone with attachment issues like Fitz,) and he’s regressing to who he was when he was a traumatized 20 year old. So while obviously his time as Holder Badgerlock isn’t necessarily bad, it makes me sad because it was so clearly a regression for his character.
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tact-and-impulse · 1 year
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Based on this ask, it’s the childhood friends AU that’s grabbed me by the throat! @shepherds-of-haven, I’ve been waiting to drop this. Below the cut and on AO3 as well!
simple charm
The village was nothing like home. The land was flat and unchanging as it stretched towards the horizon. Rope cordons were tied around the fields of barley and vegetables, struggling to remain green under the summer heat. The dusty wooden houses, clustered together, were giving a standoffish air. People had noticed their arrival, withdrawing into their doors and suspiciously eyeing their elk mounts. Only a slight majority of the locals had white hair; others sported lighter shades or multicolored locks indicating mixed blood. A very different welcome than usual.
“This is Maj?” Halek muttered. His father had told him and Naolin that this was a good opportunity to journey out of Uth Baryd, with a few elite fighters for protection on the road. Father was leading a diplomatic mission, to make contact with a gathering of refugees and reunite with their lost kin. For the future sol and sola, it was meant to be practice for leadership and negotiation.
Halek had taken it in stride, but Naolin was obviously unsettled, knuckles gripping their elk’s reins. They’d never left the Reach before, and Maj was in such stark contrast. Nakedly vulnerable, no defenses against demons, and shabbily built. But the villagers were surviving on their own means. Halek respected that.
From the front, their father called out in Uth, before announcing their small party. In response, one of the older folks indicated to a house, a little apart from the rest. Lothar and Hecathe lived there with their daughter, and they would speak for everyone in Maj.
As they approached, the door opened. The man was a full-blooded Hunter though his age could’ve been anywhere from twenty-five to forty-five. A weary expression and years of labor had aged him, and he walked with a slight hunch. He stiffly greeted Yerom, glancing at everyone with skepticism through the formal introductions.
Halek’s attention began to drift and he yawned. He rolled his shoulders, working out the soreness from travel. An elbow jabbed into his belly, as Naolin hissed.
“You shouldn’t be rude, diru.”
“Rude? I’m just tired.”
“So am I, but I’m not yawning!”
“Hey, calm down.”
They looked up, to Yerom’s disapproving gaze. Lothar, however, gave a wan smile. “I suppose you’ve had a long journey.” He invited them inside, calling out to Hecathe. A white-haired woman rushed from downstairs, her hands in a worn apron. She wasn’t fazed by their group, huddling in the cozy living room, but occasionally, she glanced to the upper floor.
“I understand that you mean well.” Lothar said. “But we’ve lived here for years and this is our home, for better or worse.”
Yerom pressed his lips together. “There is safety in Uth Baryd, and you wouldn’t have to fear the Autarchy. You would be with kin.”
“And where was kin, when my father’s generation was nearly wiped out?” He bitterly countered. “Or when my grandfather’s parents were driven out of Haven? We aren’t the only refugees, and we’ve long accepted that we could only help ourselves.”
“It doesn’t need to be that way. Yes, aid should have been provided time and time again, but I swear that we are here to make things right.”
Lothar stared at their entourage. “You didn’t bring many with you. Is the grace dwindling with you as well?”
“We have enough to endure.”
“But it is, and if you’re trying to recruit people, there are none here.”
Yerom tensed. As much as he tried to speak around the subject, the other man had already figured out their real purpose. It was true that they had less exorcists with each century, and the art couldn’t be lost.
Hecathe softly spoke up. “None of us are properly trained and too old to learn. The children are young, but not all of them are full-blooded.”
“It would be good for them to learn about their Hunter heritage though, and anyone eligible can be trained. Your daughter included.”
Now, this brought an odd reaction from the couple. Their expressions shuttered, and Hecathe abruptly stood. Lothar grabbed her hand, squeezing tightly. “You know we have a daughter?”
“One of your townspeople mentioned who lived in this house.”
“Did they say anything else? Who was it?”
Then, Hecathe gasped, looking into the foyer. “Oh, we must have woken her.”
Footsteps pattered. A little girl, younger than Halek and Naolin, dove into Hecathe’s skirt. Unlike her parents’, her hair was raven, except for a pure white streak. She buried her face into her mother’s lap, before sparing a glance to the room. Bright violet eyes glowed with power.
Lothar reached down, to pat her arm. “This is what I meant. Our daughter’s a Mage.”
***
In the Reach, all of the children were naturally Hunters, so Halek was intrigued by the girl. Since the grown-ups were still talking, she was told to give the twins a tour around the farm. That seemed to perk her up, and she opened the back door, looking over her shoulder to make sure they followed. Behind the house, there were fenced enclosures and a handful of other buildings, before the parched land led to the dense evergreen forests of the Shield Peaks. And it was quiet.
Their guide kept moving forward, but her eyes constantly darted to them and unlike their peers at home, she wasn’t awed. She seemed to be figuring them out, with equal measures of curiosity and caution. Naolin awkwardly cleared his throat and even that seemed to put her on edge; she took a hurried step away.
“So, your mom said your name’s Kalmia?” Halek asked.
She nodded, a jerky motion. Then, she veered towards one of the enclosures, setting the boundaries for a group of unruly yellow chicks. She hoisted a sack closer, digging her hands in and cupping what looked like the birds’ food. The chicks began to scream, and she spared an inquiring look at the twins before proceeding to deposit the meal. Given the small amounts, it was probably going to take a while.
Halek drew closer, an armspan away. “They definitely look hungry. Can I help you?”
“...Okay. But you have to do it like this.” She scattered the feed, spreading it evenly. She offered the sack to him, and he took it.
“Thanks.” He tossed a handful, though some of it landed in feathers instead. “Sorry, if I hit them.”
“It’s okay. They eat off each other too. See, over there.” She pointed to a cluster, where the poor target was desperately trying to shake off its siblings.
Halek laughed. “Well, I’ll try not to do that.”
Kalmia peered up at him, before offering a little smile. Her violet eyes were brighter in the sunshine.
“Can my brother join us? He’s dying to, he just doesn’t want to ask.”
“Diru!”
But Kalmia nodded and stepped aside, watching them feed the chicks before she said they had enough. “You can’t give them too much. Thank you!”
“Thanks.” They replied simultaneously, and Kalmia let out a startled giggle.
“That was funny.”
Halek inclined his head towards her. “Yeah, that happens sometimes. We look the same, don’t we?”
“Almost.”
“That’s because we’re twins.” Naolin explained. “Wait, almost?”
She readily said. “Halek’s hair is flat, and Naolin’s hair sticks up.”
Immediately, his hand went to the flyaway strands, while Halek laughed. “She got you there.”
“Diru…”
“Why do you call him that?” Kalmia tilted her head.
“Because he’s the older one.”
“By eight minutes.” Halek clarified. “It just means I’m his big brother. Unfortunately.”
Naolin sighed, an exhale that slumped his whole body. “You’re only saying that because you’re the future sol.”
Kalmia watched them with interest. “Is it fun being brothers? All I have is Zori.” Her earlier shyness was beginning to fall away. “Zori’s my best friend.”
“We can be your friends too.” Halek said and ignored Naolin’s elbow nudging his ribs. Maj didn’t have a council that dictated their schedules, or families jostling their children to get closer to them. It would be nice for once, to actually have a friend separate from that stifling grip.
“Will you come back to visit?”
“I think so. Our father’s planning more visits. Naolin might be a crybaby and stay home, but I’ll go.”
“That’s mean.” Naolin complained.
But Kalmia gave a smile. “Next time, I’ll wake up earlier from my nap.”
“You really shouldn't.” Halek cracked a grin. “At your age, you should nap all you can.”
They talked for a while longer, meandering past the rows of root vegetables and vegetable patches. The barn housed a pair of cows and ten sheep, which Halek requested to see. Kalmia slid the door aside and headed in, with Halek immediately following. Naolin trailed behind, reluctant to pass the threshold.
It was smaller than the elk stables he was used to, but the interior was clean. The animals were resting in their pens, flicking their ears occasionally. Hay was piled about and scattered across the floorboards. Towards the back, there was a ladder leading to an alcove with a window. Halek surveyed everything, asking. “Did you name the cows and sheep?”
“Mama and Dad said I can’t name them. But…” She pointed to the cows in turn. “I think of her as Clover and her as Rosy. Because of their spots.”
“Oh, I get it. Clover has three on her side, and Rosy’s got one round patch on her forehead.”
“Yup! The big sheep I can’t tell apart, but we have one baby who was just born. Here he is.” She went to the edge of the pen, and Halek peered over to see the suckling lamb.
“Cute. Thanks for showing them off.”
“We have cats too, to keep out the mice. I’m not allowed to bring any inside.” She gave a longing look to the alcove.
Halek suppressed a laugh. “Well, we don’t have pets either, if it makes you feel better. Maybe, someday.”
“Maybe. The rest is storage, so we can go back.” When they arrived at the front, Kalmia pointed to the steps. “That’s where my parents found me.”
“So they adopted you?” Naolin mused. “But your birth parents must have been Mages. Do you know anything about them?”
“No.” The word rang with finality, and perhaps, a touch of discontent.
Then, a figure sprinted to them, a blur that leapt for Kalmia in a crushing hug. “Sun above, there you are!”
“Hi, Zori.”
Zori was about a year older than Kalmia, with pale hair pulled into a thin braid, and her dark eyes narrowed at the twins. “Who are you?” She loudly demanded, squeezing Kalmia tighter.
“Zori, you’re hurting me.”
“Oh, sorry!” She let go, but maintained her glare even as introductions were made. “So, how long are you staying?”
“We’ll have to ask our father, but not more than a week.” Naolin replied.
“Huh. Okay.” A dismissive sound escaped her, before she scowled. “Are you sleeping over at Kalmia’s house?”
“Why?” Halek boldly shot back. “Want to join us if we do?”
“I’m asking because you’re both huge! You’ll take up too much space!” 
At that, Naolin spluttered and Halek wheezed. Simultaneously, they said. “We’re probably camping.”
“But it’s not safe to sleep outside.” Kalmia seriously said, like she was repeating an adult’s warning. “Lots of people travel on the road, and it’s dangerous.”
“Yeah, and they came from the road, didn’t they? It’d be dangerous if they stayed at your house.” Zori countered.
“It’s okay, they’re nice.” The sentiment was warming.
“We’ll see about that.” Another evil eye was thrown in their direction. “Anyway, I wanted to ask if you’d pick berries with me. The blackberries are ripe now, and my mom said she’ll make pie.”
“I’ll get some for my mama too. Halek and Naolin, will you come with us?” Her violet gaze was expectant, while Zori made a scrunched face behind her.
“Yeah, sure.” Halek smiled back at Kalmia. “Let’s go.”
The girls grabbed woven baskets, handing one each to the twins, before darting ahead and having a rapid, high-pitched conversation. Naolin muttered in his ear. “Are you sure about tagging along? Zori’s kinda…hostile.”
“I think it’s funny, we’ve never been hated on sight before. Kalmia doesn’t care about whether we’re going to be sol and sola. I’m having fun, and besides, we’ve never gone berry picking before.” He spun the basket in his hands, starting to whistle.
They arrived at the base of a slope, the brambles overgrown and heavy with fruit. Zori and Kalmia immediately began plucking off the blackberries, dropping them into the baskets. Halek imitated them, trying to steer clear of the thorns. One large berry split between his fingers, and he popped it into his mouth. Warm from the sun, the tart sweet flesh easily melted in his mouth.
He wasn’t the only one either. In his periphery, Zori had just crammed a handful past her teeth, and Kalmia was quietly chewing as she filled her basket. The latter met his casual glance, a splotch of purple on one cheek. “Have you eaten blackberries before?”
“The ones that grow in the Reach are smaller, not even half the size. And these taste much better.” He indulged in another. “How else do you eat them?”
“Mama makes jam but I like eating them this way best.” 
It was true, there was something addictive about fresh berries. He could have spent the rest of the afternoon here.
“Ouch!” Naolin’s hiss drew his attention, and he turned to see his brother cradling his finger, blood welling up. Tears soon followed, along with a shriek from Zori, and that put an end to their little adventure. The Black Shield scrutinized the twins’ juice-stained hands, but Yerom was only concerned about the thorn prick. A bandage and salve from Hecathe sufficed, though Naolin’s eyes remained red and he held his hand at a delicate angle.
By now, the rest of Maj was accustomed to their presence, and dinner was held outdoors. Not a banquet by any means, but every household placed a dish among the variety of wooden tables. A bonfire was lit to keep away the biting summer insects, and as the stars peeked into view, friendly conversations rose. Laughter soared, and calls for dancing to journeying songs. There were games that the twins had never played, to Zori’s smug superiority, and she roundly declared she’d teach them. It was fun, but Halek preferred to try a bite of everything. Pastries stuffed with cheese, greens sprinkled with herbs, other entrees he’d never seen before and had to ask Kalmia what was in them. The pie, of course, was excellent. 
All of it was amazingly new. Celebrations at home were repetitive and predictable, but this…he’d remember this forever.
***
Returning home was awful. The Black Shield must have said something, because word quickly spread about the twins spending time with children who weren’t full-blooded. At the end of another boring meeting, the council scrutinized them; Naolin visibly squirmed but Halek glared back. The old people droned on and on, about how it wasn’t proper or whatever to associate with outsiders.
So what? Halek thought. Kalmia and Zori were more honest about wanting to play with them, instead of loitering and whispering and waiting for the future sol to choose them. 
And that was exactly why on their next trip to Maj, he steered the elk towards the Metella house. Late autumn had given the town some color, in fallen leaves and the remnants of harvest. It was in a pumpkin patch, that dark hair was starkly visible, and Halek abruptly pulled the reins taut to Naolin’s chagrin.
“Ugh, I feel sick. Did we have to go so fast?”
“Yup.” He replied, sliding off the saddle. “Hey, Kalmia.”
Cradling a gold and green striped pumpkin, she beamed. “Hi! Halek and Naolin, are you here to help us?”
“That was the idea.” Another diplomatic outing, to convince the people in migrating to Uth Baryd. Honestly, with winter approaching, it was a hard sell to Halek. But he wouldn’t complain. It was his only chance to feel like a ten-year-old boy, not a title with the crushing weight of prophecy. And happily, he rolled up his sleeves and joined a Mage girl in the sun-warmed soil.
Gourds were separated from vines, sorted by ripeness and size. Mostly, they did what they were told to by the adults. But Kalmia was pleased by their company, especially because Zori was with her large family. She reintroduced them to the farm animals, including the latest additions. The chickens, now grown, crowded around her legs in a heap of feathers. Hecathe appeared to shoo them away, before offering that they come inside and lend a hand in making dumplings. By the way Kalmia cheered, it was something enjoyable.
The next thing Halek knew, they were in the Metellas’ kitchen, under bundles of dried herbs and flowers. They sat at a wooden table, a large bowl of orange pumpkin innards and stacked circles of rolled dough between them. Hecathe demonstrated how much filling was enough, before saying she’d return soon. It was certainly an interesting task; they’d never cooked before. Naolin was struggling, the dough tearing in his fingers. Kalmia was working patiently, crimping the edges of a dumpling with intense focus. But Halek found a rhythm to the scooping and wrapping, and it was actually fun. He began to fold the sealed sides of his, in his own personal twist. Those were his creations. Strange, he felt prouder about a pile of little dumplings than any test about demon knowledge or marksmanship. But it was a good feeling.
“How are you doing this so fast?” Naolin was in disbelief.
“It’s easy once you get the hang of it. Should I fix yours?”
“No!”
Kalmia noticed, taking one of his dumplings and placing it in the palm of her floured hand. Her face brightened. “They’re so cute! I want to eat them later.”
“How do we cook them?” He was very curious now.
“With butter and greens, or mushroom sauce. Oh, toasty pine nuts too. And cheese! But you can pick.”
“Then, I want to try all of those.”
That made her laugh, and he found himself looking forward to the whole process. With his folding pattern, he tracked his dumplings, through the boiling, sizzling, and plating. Once they were ready, he kept going back for small dishes of different sauces and seasonings, though in the end, he really couldn’t decide on what he liked best. But the ones he made were extra delicious, regardless of what they were enveloped in. He glanced at the others, watching their content expressions as they ate. As soon as they were home, he would make a batch for his mother.
In hindsight, that was probably the beginning of his love for cooking.
***
Years passed, and the diplomatic trips continued. Sure, the council was getting restless that no one from Maj was emigrating to the Reach, but Father insisted this was the right course of action. And once Halek dryly backed him up, everyone’s ears perked at the prophesied savior’s words.
It only made him more eager for these visits. Of course, Naolin never shared in the same enthusiasm, always a little hesitant and looking back at their home in trepidation. But even his straightlaced nature loosened when Halek dragged him over to the girls. Usually, they were found together, in the midst of a small task or the occasional spar with wooden batons. Kalmia always noticed first, stopping to cheerfully bound their way, while Zori trailed after, her hostility congealed into grudging acceptance. 
And while the grownups chatted, they’d embark on an ‘adventure’, as Zori liked to call them. Past the edge of town, the trees found purchase amidst stone outcroppings and climbed the Shield Peaks. Rivulets of snowmelt wound between, like silvery threads. The air was clearer, and noise was absorbed by the dense underbrush. Occasionally, a flap of wings or a small bushy tail would rustle their surroundings, as they searched for just the right spot among the rocks and fallen branches. 
“Alright, let’s stop here.” Zori puffed out, before launching into the setting of whatever they were going to play. The Castigation, and they were rebels gathering a stockpile. Pioneers to the west, lost after a storm. Mythic heroes, fighting demons. To her credit, her imagination transformed the gray terrain into a more exciting scene, of foreboding danger and heightened shadows.
Naolin, unable to resist, pointed out the little inconsistencies with a slight frown. So-and-so wasn’t alive during this era, actual demons would be scarier, things that would earn a flying kick from an irked Zori and he’d flinch. For Halek, it was easier to go along with the idea, at least until it became too complicated. Then, he’d volunteer to be the sick one they were trying to find a cure for, or the injured one left behind at camp. Kalmia would pat his shoulder, telling him not to die in the meantime; he’d have to stifle his laughter.
But most of the time, it was fun. A recurrent theme was slaying wyverns, to coordinate attacks against wings, fangs, and toxic breath. They called out to each other, darting among the rocks and trees. The boys mentioned a Hunter maneuver, tossing their smaller companions at the enemy. Zori absolutely hated it, wrestling away from Naolin’s timid attempt, while Kalmia’s glowing eyes widened as Halek seized her arms. They whirled around, gaining momentum and she gave a stunned cry when her feet lifted from the ground. Of course, he didn’t really throw her, setting her down neatly, but she took the next step, somersaulting and aiming with her miniature shortbow. Then, she beamed and ran to Halek.
“Can we practice it again?”
“Sure.” This time, he grabbed her by the armpits, and she expected it, miming a draw of her absent quiver. Already, her instincts were good.
A measly distraction came in the form of a blow to his side. “Let her go, you huge monster!” Zori was obviously jealous.
“Betraying me at last?” He drawled.
“Alright, no hitting each other.” Naolin sighed, trying to be responsible, as usual. He was forced to parry Zori’s sudden strike. “Hey! Come on, stop!”
Then, it dissolved into a grand mess without a story, and they inevitably grew tired. They’d return from the mountains with smooth rocks or wildflower bouquets, spoils from their invisible battles. Halek pocketed these souvenirs; he’d never recall the rules of each little game but these were enough to remind him of the ringing laughs and shouts.
Throughout one weeklong stay, Zori became obsessed with a new kind of game. If they had a race or competition, the winner could boss around the loser out of the quartet. Typically, this ended up being Zori, who declared herself as their queen, with Naolin or Kalmia as her servants. The latter didn’t act like this was beyond their usual dynamic, tagging after the older girl without fuss, but Naolin complained.
“She’s such a tyrant, diru.” He sighed after another demand for shoulder massages. “Can’t you win one of these contests?”
“That means I have to try.”
It wasn’t until the next day that the reign of terror ended. They hadn’t left Kalmia’s backyard; a recent trade with Norms had gone poorly and tensions were high. A set of old scarecrows became their targets to stave off boredom, and Zori picked up a slingshot. 
“Whoever hits the farthest one gets to be our ruler.” She stuck her tongue out, a pebble pinched between her fingers. It flung wide, scraping the base of said scarecrow before skittering off.
Halek was next, falling short of the closest one. He passed the slingshot to Naolin who gave him a dirty look. His brother really did his best, the pebble cleanly rolling to a stop just in front of the desired target. The wind blew, the stitched face of the scarecrow wobbling. And then, Kalmia took her turn, her face determined. For a moment, it seemed like she’d miss too, but a faint thud and the puff of straw escaping threadbare cloth proved otherwise. A direct hit, right in the chest. She seemed stunned, dazedly accepting their round of congratulations.
“Now, Kalmia’s the Queen and Halek’s her servant.” Zori announced with a glint in her eyes. “So, you have to do whateeever she says for the whole day.”
“Fine by me.” He looked to her, folding his arms.
For a moment, she was stunned. Then, her lips pursed in deep consideration. “Um…can I ride the elk with you?”
“That’s a question, not an order. Your Highness.” He belatedly added, at Zori’s kick to his shin.
“I asked because I won’t be a mean queen.” Kalmia said. “And I still want you to play with me after today.”
Huh. How thoughtful of her. At least, power would never go to her head. “Wise words, Your Highness. Alright, your wish is my command.” He drawled and then lifted under her arms, setting her in the saddle. Ignoring her surprised gasp, he swung his body behind her, taking the reins. A click between his teeth, and they were off.
It was only a lap around the town, so he coaxed the elk into a canter. Kalmia’s wavy hair fluttered, and she tilted her head back to look at Halek. “He’s fast!”
“Too fast?”
She shook her head and gave a delighted laugh. In his periphery, he noted that some of the townsfolk were openly gawking at them. It was a relief to return to the Metella farm, and he dismounted, taking Kalmia with him. Despite her unsteadiness once she touched down, she smiled from ear to ear and he couldn’t help returning it in kind. Then, she asked if he could toss her, so she could actually somersault after her landing. After that fulfilled request, she would just look expectantly at him, and he’d oblige whatever she was indicating, making a show of dragging his feet. But then, her purple eyes would shine and he didn’t feel like it was a chore at all.
The last thing she wanted was a cup of fresh milk, but by the way she glanced towards her parents, it seemed like she didn’t want them to know. She didn’t drink it either, heading towards her room instead. Zori was occupied with the scarecrows, trying to improve her aim, while Naolin was being a good little boy and helping Father with packing. So, Halek shadowed Kalmia, his eyebrows raised.
“Are you hiding something?” He stopped at her threshold, peering inside. She had a neat bedroom, though her blanket was askew on her wooden bed. On the walls, dried laurel bouquets were strung on twine, and a subtle fragrance met his nose.
“It’s not bad. I think.” She lifted the blanket. From under her bed, she pulled out a trundle-like box, containing a heap of rags. A stirring movement, and the head of a gray kitten popped out.
“I should’ve guessed. Smuggled it into your room, huh?”
“She was the smallest one in her litter and she wasn’t eating enough. I thought I’d take care of her.” To her credit, the kitten didn’t look starved, eagerly lapping at the milk.
Halek knelt beside her. “You did a good job. Are you going to sneak her into the barn when she’s bigger?”
“Yeah, soon.” She fondly petted the gray fur. “Before, she was too weak to play, but she likes to cuddle now.”
“Sounds like you’re getting attached.” He teased.
With the milk gone, the kitten blinked sleepily and curled into a ball in Kalmia’s arm. She countered. “I don’t care.” She looked unusually unapologetic as she hugged the kitten.
He reached out to scratch the kitten’s head; it was softer than he expected. A vibration kicked under his touch, the purring startling both him and Kalmia before they exchanged grins. Humming under her breath, she tucked the kitten inside the makeshift bedding, and slid the box back. Then, they descended downstairs, about to return outside. Her gaze turned to him, suddenly wide and nervous. “You won’t tell my mama, will you?”
“Nope.” He ruffled her hair. The gesture surprised her, her own hands flying to the top of her head once he let go. Cute. “I can keep your secret.”
“Thank you!” And then, she sped off towards Zori.
On the way back home, Naolin pointed out. “I know you could’ve hit that scarecrow. Why’d you lose on purpose?”
“Maybe, I just wanted to see what it was like, doing things for other people instead. It’s nice.” It was also bitter, with the fact that such behavior would be discouraged in the future. In silent understanding, his brother nudged his shoulder against his.
***
The instructions had been clear. Venture into the Wastes, kill a demon, bring it back. The last step was currently evading him, but he was so tired. Fresh memories continued to taunt him. Bloody chains, crunching bone, that sinister voice. Half delirious, he picked a direction and kept going.
He didn’t even remember collapsing. He only registered feeling colder and colder, the urge to sleep becoming a heavy blanket. And then, something turned his face.
“Halek?”
Violet eyes stared down at him, as a gloved hand brushed the snow off his head. In a winter coat lined with rabbit fur and dark hair flying away from her hood, Kalmia gasped in disbelief. No, that wasn’t possible, she couldn’t be near the Wastes.
“I’ve got to be hallucinating.” He muttered.
“No, you’re not. Let me start a fire for you.” She shook his shoulder, and that kept him from nodding off until she lit a pile of dry kindling. Most likely, she used magic, but he was grateful, warmth returning to his tired body. She opened her pack, handing him a dry biscuit, which he scarfed down. Around them, the deep woods were eerily silent.
“What are you doing here?” His voice was rusty from disuse, and the uneven crack, growing frequent as the days passed, really wasn’t welcome in this moment.
“I want to ask you the same. Were you planning to visit us? We didn’t know.”
“This is near Maj?” Strange, his body must have gravitated to this place.
“A little deeper in the mountains, but yes.”
“So what are you doing here?”
“I set out a few traps. We’re running low on food, since the traders stopped coming.” She hesitated, and then, she rubbed her coat sleeve over her face. Over the fresh tears dampening her cheeks.
“Kalmia, what’s wrong?”
“It’s the Gray Death. I don’t have it, neither does my dad, but…Mama got sick. And I want to find something that can help her too.”
In all this time, he had never seen her cry. The sight was unsettling, tying a knot under his sternum. He dug into his pocket, searching for whatever spare cloth he had, but the only scrap was spotted with dried blood. “Sorry, this is all I have.”
She gave a warped sound, between a choke and a laugh. “How did that happen? Are you hurt?”
“I was. A demon.” And then, he held his tongue; it was an awful tale, and he didn’t want to scare her. “Anyway, it’s dead now and since I forgot to get proof of the kill, I have to find another before going back to the Reach. If I want to.”
“If you want to?” She echoed, flashing him a concerned look. “Are the council elders that harsh?”
“It’s not just them, it’s everyone. They’re expecting me to bring a Cacophant or something that proves their future savior is destined to save the world, or whatever they believe. And afterwards, what else is there but the same? Just…more and more pressure, to make sure the prophecy is true.” He stared into the distance, the freshly fallen snow glittering in the morning. Shaking his head, he said. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter what I think, obviously. But I don’t have to go yet. Let’s find herbs for your mom.”
Hecathe had always been kind to him and Naolin, and courteous to their father. The Gray Death, however, spared no one, and despite the sinking feeling in his gut, he lifted his boots and began searching the underbrush. 
Kalmia trudged beside him, explaining. “She has a fever and she keeps throwing up. I tried cooking soup and that worked for a few days.”
Those words should have been coming from a town elder, not a slip of a girl with a bow half her size to protect herself. “You sound like a grandma.”
“And you sound like a cranky grandpa.” She protested but her voice was amused. Her hood had slipped off; her hair was longer, past her shoulders.
He gave a quick tousle, ignoring the futile scrape of her gloves, and used his stride to his advantage in escaping. He drawled. “Then, if I’m that old, you better catch up.” And he took off, boots crushing the frozen ground.
Her startled bright laugh followed, then her softer footsteps. “Halek, wait!”
And he did have a brief lead, exhaling a cloud of vapor into the cold air. Exhilaration flooded his veins, cleaner and lighter than the survival-based response he was running on for the past few days. Then, the bruised spots on his body flared, his gait slowing. An arm linked through his, Kalmia peering up at him.
“Where are we going?”
“As far as we can.”
They hurtled down the slope, and time slowed. They were aloft, suspended in the air between each step. Pale sunshine spilled into the powdery snow ahead, and their breaths wove around their heads as they gasped. Two kids, running away from their fears. It lasted until they arrived at the bottom, of what looked like an old riverbed, and their footprints stamped divots in the hard ground. 
He braced against a tree trunk, his sides aching, and that was why he noticed a hint of green amidst the rocks. He cleared the crust of snow, revealing a frosted cluster of serrated leaves. “Mint. It should help with your mom’s nausea.”
Her eyes sparkled in recognition, and she immediately knelt. “It will, thank you!”
One small leaf clung to his glove; he shoved it in his mouth, the cool burst welcome. As he chewed, he watched her finish gathering what she needed, then turn to search for other herbs. She must have found something because she straightened and worked on snapping the outer edges of a bush.
What if he never went home? What if he stayed here, content to live in Maj and explore the mountainsides with Kalmia? But inevitably, the elders would look for him, and the Black Shield knew about Maj. They’d sunder the village to recover their beloved savior, and the possibility weighed heavily on his heart.
Kalmia strode over, her pack full of mint and bark shavings. “This should be enough.” Then, she hesitated. “I’m going home; do you want to come along?”
“...I don’t think so. Glad you got what you were looking for, but I still have to kill a demon.”
To his surprise, she took his hand, pressing something within. “Here, this is for you.” The neatly folded cloth was better than what he had offered earlier.
“Thanks. I’ll see you later.” He promised.
She visibly relaxed, nodding. “Okay. Safe travels.” She spared a last glance at him before drawing her hood up and hurrying through the snowy trees.
Once she was out of sight, he opened the kerchief. A dented compass, clinging to its purpose. Wryly, he turned in the direction of the needle and headed north.
He did return to Uth Baryd, demon bounty in tow, and once he deposited it at the Mornhaven Gate, the first thing he asked was to send another diplomatic mission to Maj. To bring supplies or food, anything to help. The council argued back, a clamor of reedy voices, and the deep-set frowns didn’t waver. The city walls were barred, preventing even the merchants from entering. They were afraid. Think of the infection, they said, as if the village wasn’t living through it. Cowards and hypocrites. The roads froze over, and while the city seemed to exhale a private sigh of relief, Halek counted the days to spring.
However, the next letter from Maj came before the snow melted, and in smudged ink, Lothar’s handwriting flatly conveyed that Hecathe was dead.
***
Almost a year passed, after the old bats were replaced by slightly less old bats, when Yerom contacted Maj again. Halek noticed the flicker of surprise on his father’s face, at the response. But there was no argument, since they left by the end of the sennight.
The village was dustier and quieter, cloaked in twilight. At first, Halek wondered who the elderly man exiting the Metella house was, before he abruptly realized it was Lothar. The man was bowed under the weight of grief, shuffling with dull eyes. He swayed, looking at their procession without reacting. And then, the door opened, candlelight streaming around a silhouette.
Hurrying towards them, Kalmia carried a shawl. Her legs were longer, her skirt above her ankles, and her dark hair spilled past her shoulders, the white tress tucked behind her ear. She slowed to a stop, draping the fabric over Lothar before making the familiar Hunter greeting gesture. “Welcome.”
Then, Yerom spoke to Lothar, in the careful tone of their initial acquaintance while the Black Shield dispersed to give supplies. Halek gave the elk’s reins to Naolin, heading to Kalmia. She was standing rigidly, her head slightly bent. This formality was appropriate, she’d be like the daughter of a First Family according to his lessons, but he loathed it.
He closed the distance, ruffling her hair and grinning at the odd squeak in response. “Long time no see.”
And then, it was his turn to be surprised. She leaned in, clasping her hands behind his back in a full embrace. “Thank you for coming.” Just as swiftly, she let go and her face turned aside, before he could say anything more.
Slowly, the rest of the town became aware of their return. While the Black Shield was forced to answer the torrent of questions, Halek and Naolin retreated. At least, Zori didn’t care about why they were gone; she had undergone a growth spurt, her pale hair shorn on one side. Still, her love for adventure hadn’t wavered at all, and her first demand was a scavenger hunt. But Kalmia had changed. She didn’t look as aged as her adoptive father, but her eyes contained a new depth, piercing through the make believe scenarios.
After the events of his trial, Halek wondered if that was also reflected in his face. Demons and death had taken their childhood innocence. These small games felt…hollow. But Zori was determined to distract Kalmia in her own way, and she beckoned the twins; so they played anyway, clinging to what remained of sweeter memories.
Fortunately, Maj was open to future visits. Unfortunately for Halek, the council decided it was time for him to delve into preparing for his destined role. Naolin was assigned to conduct diplomacy instead, while Halek remained in the Reach to study and spar.
…If they could tell the difference. Just like when they were kids, Halek coaxed and prodded his brother into swapping places.
“The council will notice, won’t they?!” Naolin protested. “Come on…”
“I’m going to sacrifice the rest of my life to serving them, so just let me go.”
Ultimately, he had his way. He had to restrain himself from whistling, his brother didn’t, but he was thrilled by the successful deception. The whole way to Maj, the Black Shield soldiers didn’t realize they had the wrong twin. However, upon their arrival, violet eyes seared into Halek. During a quiet moment, she murmured to him.
“Did you skip your training to be sol?”
“What are you talking about? I’m Naolin, the younger and more obedient brother.”
“If you say so.” But she knowingly smiled. “Then, you can help me with sorting the vegetables. I’ll show you how to pickle them.” And happily, he followed in her wake.
The peace of mundane routine was a magnetic force, drawing him again every time the delegation left. Naolin complained that the elders were bound to catch on, though they never did, and it continued until the summer before Kalmia’s Flower Day. Kalmia was born in deep winter, about a month following the twins’ birthday. Not that Halek was anticipating that year’s grandiose celebration, with the impending betrothal.
“You’re getting married?” A flower slipped between her fingers, and she hastily picked it from her lap. It was an idle afternoon, the two of them enjoying the crisp mountain air and watching the drifting puffy clouds. “What do you know about her?”
“Not much.” He shrugged. “She’s from another clan, somewhere with a lot of powerful families. She’s a few years older. Supposedly beautiful.”
“Is she nice?”
“Who knows?” He sourly retorted. He wasn’t thrilled to be married off for the sake of producing more full-blooded Hunters, more bodies to fight demons. The future was a bleak image of sitting on a pedestal, looking down on opaque silhouettes like salt pillars, their hands blindly grabbing for a savior.
Something ruffled his hair, and he glanced upwards, to find the circle of elm and edelweiss. It was a simple charm, evenly made and sweetly fragrant. What were the meanings again? Elm was for warding, especially against demons. Edelweiss was for strength, or devotion? In the corner of his eye, Kalmia was somber, but when he turned to her, a shy smile was on her face.
“You’re always welcome in Maj, whenever you want.” Then, she resumed crafting another flower wreath, a pink blush flooding her cheeks. “As long as you send a letter first, we'll know to prepare your room!”
The village was nothing like home. He could place his hands on the dark soil, watch the green things grow ripe, and work as an ordinary person. He’d learn to cook dishes from across Blest, and share them in a cozy kitchen adorned with dried herbs and flowers. If only he was born here, if he wasn’t the future sol-  
All stupid and pointless, he berated himself. Out of reflex, he wanted to run away, to nip temptation in the bud. But the clouds shifted and sunlight beamed down as she perfunctorily crowned herself with violets. Staring at her happy face, he said instead. “I’ll bring you something for your birthday.”
She tilted her head, the blossoms catching. “Why though? You don’t have to. It’s enough if you’re at the party…and awake when the cake’s cut.”
“I might just take a nap under your table for that.” He tousled her hair, pulling away before her fingers futilely tried to stop him. While she hastily shook the petals out, he smirked. “Well, if it’s good cake, I’ll try to be there.”
Kalmia laughed and the image was burned into his memory. His hand still carried the aroma of violets when he left.
***
But a winter storm locked down the Reach, and when the sky was clear again, the messenger birds brought the terrible news. Demonkind had returned to Blest, rampant across the continent. Then, word came that it started in Maj. And it was completely massacred.
Halek ran.
He took only the essentials, a ration pack and his spear. He made for the stables and steered his elk on the familiar path. It was a hard ride, but he was numb to the bitter cold and winds. He was purely focused on the road to Maj.
And then, the destruction was laid bare in front of him.
He was dragged back to Uth Baryd without a struggle. He didn’t have the energy to fight off the Black Shield, and the elders’ chastisements washed over him. The first day of his confinement was hazy, as he cycled through horror, rage, and anguish.
Then, he opened the thick books of exorcisms and forced himself to read through the crackling pages. The mourning period had already begun, but he was allowed to attend the lighting of the pyre, a mass funeral in the name of Maj. He went through every name and face, and when a violet ribbon was tossed into the flames, his vision blurred.
“Diru.” Naolin pressed a handkerchief into his palm, but he ignored it, listening to Father’s words about the return of demonkind. The fallen would never be forgotten, as martyrs engraved in the annals of Hunter history. But it wouldn’t bring any of them back.
“I can’t promise anything.” He murmured, and he wasn’t even sure to whom. “But I’ll try not to let this happen again.”
Days turned to weeks, then to months and years. Their home expanded, with Hunter refugees and their families. The elders griped, but vacant houses were filled and there was no complaint regarding more fighters. Halek and Naolin came of age, and the engagement to Moonsilk was finalized, though any opportunity to delay the wedding was readily seized. He became sol, not the best one by any stretch, but he mustered the effort if there was an Endarkened. He owed that much, in the name of an obliterated town.
Sometimes, he looked out at the southern mountain peaks, until the shine of snow was too bright to endure. His attention would catch on the rare sight of purple fabric, but it was never the right shade. When the laurel bloomed, he’d take a flower and count how many days for the petals to brown, hating each time how short it was. 
And deep within his chest of drawers, a locked box protected a simple charm of elm and edelweiss.
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dravidious · 5 months
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Typing Tips That I Stumbled Upon Randomly:
The Ctrl key lets you jump between words really quickly. If you hold Ctrl and press the left or right arrow keys, instead of moving your cursor 1 character you'll move it a whole word; if you want to edit that word that's 3 words back, you can just hold Ctrl and left-left-left, and you're there.
Even more useful in my opinion, if you hold Ctrl and press Backspace you'll delete the entire word you're on. That's just really nifty because a lot of the time when you're deleting you want to delete the whole word, so this is much faster.
Also, idk how well-known this is but holding Shift and moving your cursor will make you highlight any characters you move over. That's useful on its own, but combining that with Ctrl lets you quickly highlight whole words or sentences, so you can easily copy+paste them. You can also hold Shift to edit any selections you made with your mouse or something.
Also it took me too long to realize that the Home and End keys are actually really nice sometimes. Home takes you to the start of the line you're on, and End takes you to the end. Hold Shift while doing that and you can highlight the whole line. Very nice for programming. Also holding Ctrl and pressing Home or End takes you to the top or bottom of the page, but I barely use that.
A similarly useful key that I also overlooked is the Delete key. It's like the Backspace key, but it deletes the character in front of your cursor instead of behind it. Just like with Backspace Ctrl+Delete lets you delete a whole word in front of your cursor.
Also Ctrl+A lets you highlight the whole page.
Also even when you're not typing and instead just browsing a web page or something, you still technically have a cursor; if you click a piece of text, then hold Shift and press the arrow keys, you'll start highlighting text.
Practice Exercise: Click on the t in this word, then hold Shift and press left and right on the arrow keys! Now try holding Ctrl+Shift while you press the arrow keys! Hold Shift and press Home or End! Hold Shift and use your mouse to left-click on different spots in the paragraph and see how your selection changes!
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loumauve · 7 days
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the goddamn toast water post just made me utter "history is fucking real" in the most solemn and serious tone of voice, out loud, to myself, in the goddamn bathtub
#life is ridiculous and I'm its biggest clown#in my defense it's not even 9 am and I woke up at 6 for some reason (the reason prob being that I start work at 6 atm)#so I chose (violence) reading Stray Gods fic in bed for a few hours followed by the need to just vibe in the bathtub#I've only just had my coffee and a slice of cold pizza leftover from yesterday and it's such a uni-days thing to do#I've kinda missed it. tho I wasn't drinking coffee back then (how the fuck did I survive mornings without it??)#anyway. feeling very soft and tender abt my past self today. I miss her even if she was just as much of a mess. in different ways#the kind of mess who would openly flirt with some strange dude she didn't really know over the phone#the kind of mess who moved across the country just for a chance at trying with sb she liked who really never wanted to date her#the kind of mess who's always fallen for her best friends and who'll likely never stop#the kind of mess who feel so damn hard for a woman 15 yrs older than her just bc she was kind and sweet and a mess herself#the kind of mess who moved in with a friend she was solidly in love with for a bit who had her boyfriend over most nights#just.. it's not all about those feelings but they're decidedly a big part of why I've ever done anything#and I will prob always miss the friend who'd lie on the train platform with me just giggling into the night as ppl walked past#her head on my stomach and me just feeling so high it felt like I'd never stop floating (just for a while though)#I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that Mi miss just letting my feelings take me places even at the risk of losing it all#I'm so much more hesitant and guarded now. and sure part of it is being medicated for my bipolar. it's good that I don't call strangers#and almost invited them over. or that I no longer walk barefoot through the city at night by myself (usually)#but I do miss just idk. intimacy I guess. and how easily it used to come to me to just try and be open abt wanting it I guess#oh well. best be getting out of the bathtub. it's not a good place to be with these thoughts. and it's too early for this anyway#a day in the life of..
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Various recent pictures of things
#or.. recent ISH.. this was still a few months ago lol#photo diary#EEEee... it's like over 45 minutes away from where I live but I finally found an arcade to go to that's not like entirely in the city and#is less busy. I went like the second they opened at 11:55am on a tuesday while school was still in. So there was basically no other people#there aside from like 5 staff. + wearing high quality KN95 mask and limiting my time there to under 1hr..#Also this was before the current summer covid surge happening since June in the US. so... I got to do One Single safe activity for once lol#skee ball my beloved.....#I actually don't like a lot of arcade games so I basically just spent 70% of the time doing skeeball ghjbjh#But I did weirdly like that pearl themed machine.. even though its one of those foolish games where you just drop items#and hope that they build up enough to let coins fall. like very boring not skill based or etc. But the Aesthetics of it.. I was drawn#to.. I wanted to crack the glass open and harvest the smooth white orbs from inside.. it would have been even cooler if they were#actually pearlescent in some way. but the round bubbly design and the blue and white water and shell theme entranced me#I love air hockey also but this machine was really flat and weird. like not enough air was pumping and the puck was very cheap and flimsy#An afterschool daycare place I went to once as a child had an air hockey machine that they would allow kids limited use to sometimes#and the air was always BLASTING up from the table so much that you could lay on it and it was like being hit by a slight breeze. and the#puck was very hefty and more of a satisfying clunk when you shot it around. I mastered skee ball with two arms#where I would load up a game on two machines right next to each other and throw one ball with my left hand to the left machine and one#with my right to the other and still got an okay ish score on both lol. But I do forget arcades can be very sensory overwhelming like#bright lights and noises and stuff.. walking past every blinking machine chirping at me like SHUT UP I'm trying to get to SKEE BALL#leave me ALONNEE. ghjhb... ANYWAY.. other stuff.. some images of clouds as usual.. a quaint little breakfaste#of eggs. pickled onions. grapes strawberries. and some turkey bacon. Also ofcourse Cat In Weird Position image.#he's always sitting with his legs stretched out funny#I kind of hate arcades on principle since much is a waste of money and time and many games are rigged (especially claw games) where#theres like some Illusion of Skill but so much of it is just random. I simply do not have the patience for that sort of thing. And usually#all the stuff you can win is bad anyway. BUT I also love active games.. if there was a place where I could JUST play skee ball. ddr.#air hockey. and like games where you have to aim at stuff (shooting games. wack a mole. etc.) then I would go there instead.#Active Games Only arcade. It bothers me sometimes to have to walk past all the scammy games to get to the decent ones lol..#Begone.. Out of my site at once... wretched claw machines.. and those things where you try and stop a light or whatever
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