#it wasnt even from a distance
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I saw the president of Estonia a few days ago, I'm not estopnian, and I was not in Estonia or at any other European country, I was in a museum in my home country for a school trip
And he was just there, no one in my class actually know where the fuck is Estonia, but still, we saw the president of Estonia during a random trip to a museum, no one even knew he was in our country actually
#Estonia#it wasnt even from a distance#he passed just in front of us#somehow that wasnt even the highlight of the trip#Alar Karis#story time#i have meet my one country first lady once and had sevrel minsters from my country in my home for my grandmother funeral few years ago#but somehow the president of astonia is cooler#probably because it is random as fuck
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2024 art summary! it sure has been a year
#ever makes art#i bsky tweeted a bit but it feels weird talking there still so ill do my usual rambling into tags here :)c#i burned out super bad in the middle of this year for months where it felt like i couldnt draw anything good no matter how hard i tried#and the harder i tried the worst it felt - to the degree that i legitimately thought i wasnt going to be able to draw anything again#which sounds SO dramatic i know i know. but feelings arent always rational!!! and so many others things were going wrong at the same time#so it was strange putting together this year's art summary and realizing Huh. i did still have paintings to put in every space#that fear/anxiety spiral seems even sillier and more meaningless now that i have distance and proof of how irrational it was...#...but in reflection i'd like to think of it as proof that even when you feel at your worse it's worth it to keep trying...!!#after the Black Hole of Nothing i've been working every day on never ending doujin and xv anthology and orv sketchzine and merch#i can't say that i feel my artistic skills have like. improved or anything... but the passion i feel for the stories i read and#the stories i want to tell is still there!! and the happiness from getting to put form to those feelings large or small is worth it too#anyway......... lotta words to say tho i haven't posted much anymore and socmed is imploding and the world is dark#thank you very much for staying with me another year. i am - as ever - always grateful
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#mine.art#mcytshipping#zammbu#theyre kissing with the sword blocking their lips in case that wasnt clear#wanted to caption this with some kind of artsy prose or poem but i dont really read much so i dont even know from where i can steal from#and dont write either so its just blank cause i couldnt really come up with anything either lol#i mean i made an attempt but i didnt like it#the attempt for anyone who wants to read it anyway:#vulnerability can only be afforded by those whose hearts are tender and open#with walls too thick to crumble a sword must be carved through the cracks#until even the viscera bleeds; until even we can close the distance;#until even i can say i love you
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Neil Gaiman intentionally chose tumblr to be his main social media site because it is crawling with vulnerable young women who idolized him. He invested in parasocial relationships before we even had a word for it. Even now after everything has come out I’m still seeing people say his presence on this website was a net positive. How many victims will it take? How many women need to be preyed upon by how many men before were willing to question someones intentions?
“Well they bullied John Green from the website with false allegations!” And? Seems like the only issue was they went after the (as far as I know) wrong person.
Neil Gaiman was here, DMs open, for years. There’s a very heavy current of #NotAllMen coming from people who are supposedly shocked and dismayed by the allegations. YA authors have a particularly vulnerable readership group. YA authors who wrote about trauma and abuse have an even more vulnerable group. Almost all of those authors are in fact able to write about these things, connect with fans, provide feedback and insight and appropriate support, without intentionally soliciting emotional attachment from their fans. They know what reasonable boundaries are. Neil Gaiman did not have reasonable boundaries. He had hunting grounds, potential victims, and adoring fans who he manipulated into protecting him from criticism.
#neil gaiman#frankly John Green they did you a favor there needs to be reasonable distance from your audience#because you do not know these girls and are simply not in a position to actually help them or support them even if you wish you were#become a teacher if you want to help students in crisis#Dont come on tumblr with open DMs and act like you’re the good guy#it is not normal to foster these kinds of relationships when you are an influential author with a vulnerable young fan base#Neil Gaiman is not a regular person he has extraordinary power and should have been held to a higher standard#he should have had reasonable boundaries with fans#but he didn’t BECAUSE he is a predator#feel like tumblr knew what grooming was a week ago but suddenly with Neil there were just no signs at all!#but maybe I’m just heartbroken to hear of yet another batch of women sacrificed to a man for the sake of so called art#and yes you should read his work differently now that you know Calliope wasnt a metaphor to him
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perpetually pissed about how the internet treats the circus show and i dont mean the fandom rn...
#i should be less bitterr about it..#like i dont even care if people dont like the show thats not the issue#the issue i have is when ppl designate a show they arent interested in#as inherently for middle schoolers or badly written or that it Must be some sort of cash grab#i feel like the amny of scrutiny this show recieves is like. absurd#even not critically. ppl decided oh thats the thing a preschooler watches so im not even gonna be a like huge hater of the show or whatever#just deaignating it as Lesser and not even worthy of discussion#just an absolute refusal to engage w the concept that it could be good . just deciding arbitrarily it wasnt worth anything#and like. truthfully thats the same idea that stopped me from watching it for so long#like 'cringe is dead' or whatevwr but i think nothing has changed#and ive spent like all my life with interests widely seen as stupid so i have a bit of a complex about it#i just wanna like smth without feeling scrutinized for it#or like i can only like it if i were to critique literally anything about it and only enjoy it from a distance#that im not allowed to find it deep and meaningful otherwise im Reading Too Much Into It#anyway this post is very negative im just like. idk. it bothers me#its not a big deal at the end of rhe day theres bigger problems in the world obviously#but i wish i didnt have to spend every minute im relaxing or happy considering how people would scrutinize me#for daring to like the show that 'was popular for a minute but now only middle schoolers like'. whatever#im still not gonna be online much today but im feeling bitter and there was a delay in leaving#so you get me being bitter now. sorry#now i leave properly ill see you all later for real this time
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#;ooc#ooc#venchu staring off the distance-#i dont have high graphics but even then u can get the vibes-#god i love p.enacony so much; it gives me such aura- the vibes are SO good; impecable#the music too; its so relaxing;; luxurious-#i think s.tar r.ail peaked so much with it; like the next part must be really REALLY good in order to top it for me#i love when 'arcs'/areas in game have these very distinctive aesthetics/vibes in the sense of;;#where u could follow the design principles and come up with something coherent that perfectly fits the place#which is what i feel like n.atlan in g.enshin kind of missed#and why a lot of the characters look completely separated from n.atlan#like you can get a feeling when u see charas like l.yney; l.ynette; f.urina; n.euvi that they come from the same time and area#they follow such a clean cohesion that even when their designs are distinguishable and different from each other ; you can get the vibe sti#which btw im always up for things that fall out of the box; bc things arent always so rigid and 'fitting'#but i dunno;; n.atlan was such an all over the place area still; that the differences didnt feel enriching and engaging#and this isnt about the usual yadayada about m.avuika's motorcycle like im done with seeing that argument#i mean the -general- lineup; including looks/personalities/kits; all#anyways whatever what do i even know#bc even if n.atlan wasnt my cup of tea; maybe to someone else its their fav region u see#like how sometimes i dont vibe with n.asu's stuff; but other people do; thats just how tastes are#;delete later#dl#i dont tend to vibe with those strict unwavering labels that sometimes people impose; sometimes they can be very restrictive creative wise#but in my experience; having a -base- root/concept can help the inmersion and meaning behind things a lot#and it becomes an overall more memorable thing#like from knowing that base; you can expand and branch out and still make it feel engaging and new and different
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not to be dramatic but the prospect of not being able to draw the sillies is filling me with a nauseating volume of dread
#[annabeth moa voice] forced to withdraw from a lifesaving medication#drawing them is literally how i destress. so im very stressed about not getting to destress#even during the periods of time when i wasnt active on here/in fandom i constantly#drew them#i mean pen and paper exist but i have tremors and a donut stack of other chronic pain-inducing conditions#that the flexibility of digital art helps me get around#in the distance you can hear me screaming
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"Not having a job must be so nice, you have so much free time!" You'd like to think that but no actually I spend most of that free time thinking about things I want to do but don't do because I feel guilty about not having a job, while knowing I'll be miserable at most jobs
#missy rambles#though i did find a voicemail in my phone from a place i applied to#unfortunately it's months old bc it came while my dad was in the hospital so i. well. wasnt thinking about much else#and after that i was caring for both parents at home#so i just never got around to it#idk if i should call them back anyway or what#it's not the best place but it's a close place. where even if I didn't have a car or bike it's within walking distance if necessary
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an edek themed collage 🪲
#not me posting this just to have an excuse to talk about him more aaahahhhah#i've created edek approx 4 years ago and since then he went through little to no design changes#he is jus flawless. perfect#his personality however.. oof#i mean !!! he's not a bad guy#as i mentioned before he's very friendly and open to new people and opportunities#its just. he was based on my (now) ex best friend#me and that friend were close during primary school and despite me moving cities we managed to keep this friendship going#but you know. it wasnt the same. it became long distance#and i think i manifested my longing by creating an oc that was based on his aesthetics and personality#it took me some time to realise that i've been viewing this friend through lens of this oc. that of course lead to idealisation#because he wasn't physically there with me i created an imaginary version of him in my head#it was also because at this point we were getting older and slowly growing apart#and i think i wanted to grasp a little part of him that would still understand me#edek's relationship with ryba was also heavily influenced by this relationship#and. well. the things that my ex friend and edek have in common are short temper (despite acting chill) and trouble showing affection#he also tends to say things faster than he can even think them through#oh and he enjoys long walks through the woods and mountain hiking and bicycling and bugs and mushrooms and. yeah#and the other traits!!!!#he is suuuuuuper protective of his loved ones especially his younger sister irenka#his interest include everything thats fantasy and with folklore themes#hes also a stoner lol#aaand a funfact - he and zbyszek (of dycha za zbycha!!!!) used to be friends in childhood but they aren't friends as of now#why you might ask? from edek's pov zbyszek and his family just randomly disappeared#and edek was the only one that wasn't in on the fact that they have moved to the usa#edek wondered why his best friend at that time didn't tell him such important news#and often thought that there mustve been something wrong with him or zbyszek didn't actually like him that much#this incident heeeavily influenced his perception of relationships in the future#OH AND ALSOO hes an artist he graduated art hs with a degree in graphic design and is in college for the same thing#original character
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Someone tagged my bottom Tech comment as Tech x Reader a few times but in my mind it be the batch or Phee 🥹 sorry man that's my art version. Not into reader x any character, personally I'm an outside creeper not in them myself when I read/draw. Can't get in that headspace anymore like I could as a kid/teen.
#personally#it wasnt on my crosstech art so im just being picky lmao#i dont even like first person games lmaoo#let me watch from a distance plz
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breakups are so fucking weird. three years and just like that it's gone. huh
#helix.txt#gross i ended up spilling my guts in tags. look at them fucking writhing on the floor all bloody#dont rb please#vent#to quote fall out boy i knew it was over i just didn't know the date#yeah that's it. fall out boy can fix this.#i will feel better if i go listen to bang the doldrums#and infinity on high in general#and folie a deux. folie a fucking deux how i love that album#my chem will make me better. gerard way save me#god what a weird feeling. you used to know me better than any other person but then you moved hundreds of miles away and it worked#for a while. then two years later you said it wasnt working and that this was best for both of us. guess i never got the memo for that one#hope we treat other people better because i wasn't as kind as i should have been towards the end and you were never as thoughtful or con-#-siderate as i needed towards the end. we grew apart because you're bad at keeping contact over messaging#and in some ways the cracks in the foundation that grew from that were my fault too i guess. our conversations always felt one sided#maybe i was smothering you#you could never seem to keep more than a passing recollection of the things i liked or even pay much attention to them#but i wasn't great about that either#we just became different people. you weren't what i wanted or needed and you couldn't do long distance. whatever#i know it was the right thing i just wish it hadn't made me feel so damn awful#will we still talk after this? who knows. we didn't end on bad terms but things are definitely weird#and considering your track record with people you can only talk to online i'm not optimistic#you tried to break things off initially by saying you'd said you would improve in the past with nothing to show for it#something i didn't disagree with but i said it didn't bother me much. and it didn't#but it's complicated now. i did deserve better. but you made it clear i'm not getting it from you#you weren't as present or thoughtful as i needed#i wasn't there in person the way you needed and certainly not as considerate as i should have been. and for that second part i'm truly sorr#anyways. sorry. i'd been thinking about it for a long time anyway. i didn't want to admit it because i didn't like to think#about what it might bring. maybe i should have been braver#right. that's enough
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the moment you realise youve been backsliding for weeks is the moment the entire house of cards falls apart huh?
#not realising ive not been doing Great because i was still engaging with hobbies and not rotting forever#even though so much of it was at 1/2 speed and low energy#and i havent been keeping up with my friends. the messages i havent sent and not even checking in from a distance and jst#the anxieties. the panics. its been not good for a while hasnt it#i wish it was easier#i wish it wasnt like this#that i wasnt like this#nyxtalks#vent#i just wanna function normally. im so fucking tired#i want to be present for the people i love#i don't even want to be more than i am anymore i know thats too much to ask#but id like to at least succeed at being what i am#or at least any kind of tolerable person. thatd be nice.
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had an extended convoluted dream about a wildfire last night that had potential to be a nightmare and was in some instances (when i lost track of my dog) but largely wasnt because my brain was using it to go through all of the wildland firefighter training ive been doing
#me when the s-190 comes back to haunt my dreams#random people from my past in the dream: theres a fire over there!#me: shush im trying to sling the weather#the fire was a safe distance away worry not#even in my dream i wasnt silly enough to be standing right next to a fire trying to get the weather#dream journal#personal
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I am plagued by theatrical productions i'll never see... it's not like a book i can pick up at any point and return to with new insights as an omniscient reader. No one experiences a play the same but the momentality of it makes you more aware of your role, be it on stage or the audience, the story flows because of your presence at this exact moment. And there are countless plays at this very moment everywhere in the world, there is so much i will never know or experience? It will just be lost to time, to others' perception and memory?
#i wonder how my life wouldve progressed if i hadnt distanced myself from theatre or generally the world#i needed the control and static state of books and games but i regret casting theatre aside?#it wasnt entirely by choice and my transitional phase in the first lockdown was by watching 1-2 films a day but those are really#not the same at all. they made the transition to getting lost in books easier but still#there is nothing like theatre#but it's also tainted by highschool memories (yes yes i say do not let others ruin things for you but i also used to be more passionate then#even if most called me robotic or a bitch. well. i didnt discourage it either. i lost my point#)#this post was triggered by looking into the tokyo grand guignol. not for the reasons i was looking into the french one last week#entirely coincidental but it made me laugh in the way coincidences seem too scripted in timing#nevertheless. it was still coincidental
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The Slope by @megatron-fucks provides a great scene where Pharma gets to blow up on Ratchet about how he lost everything good in his life and faced a fate worse than death so Ratchet has no right to judge him.
But you know what else I really want to see and might write myself?
I want a post-Delphi scene where Pharma gets to verbally rip Ratchet apart about how he disowned Pharma and is acting as if the 'new Pharma' is a completely different person, but in reality Ratchet is just desperate to convince himself that Pharma was always a bad apple and the "best friend" Ratchet knew was either a lie or a person who's "died." Basically Pharma getting to lambast Ratchet about how 'the person he used to be' isn't some separate entity, that the old Pharma LITERALLY IS HIM and it's Ratchet who's a piece of shit for being unable to reconcile that Pharma could be his former best friend and also the monster he ended up becoming.
Mostly in regards to the aspect of canon where despite being former best friends, Ratchet made basically zero efforts to have any sympathy for Pharma or extend help/mercy to him and mostly used their former friendship to prey on Pharma's insecurities to manipulate him into doing what he wanted.
Of course it's a narration by Pharma so it might not be 100% correct or unbiased, but like. I just desperately crave some sort of resolution between Ratchet and Pharma. Or if not a resolution, at least some catharsis where Pharma gets to unload and Ratchet acknowledges he was a bastard.
#squiggposting#pharma apologism#i know that at the time they thought pharma died#but it literally is SO disturbing that ratchet and first aid talk about pharma like#'he was a good doctor for most of his life' 'you can carry the best part of him with you'#it's fucked up bc like. good doctor pharma and bad autobot pharma arent two people in one body#pharma is pharma it's literally the same good doctor who turned into the bad autobot#it lowkey reads as if theyre trying to compartmentalize pharma like. oh there was Good Pharma and Bad Pharma#but the reality is the good and bad are a whole person-- Pharma#it was a gradual slope to madness and evil caused SPECIFICALLY BY PHARMA WANTING TO PROTECT OTHERS#it's kinda fucked up that no one ever acknowledges that#even in the fandom level there's often a silent implication that pharma was always a little evil/suspicious#so delphi just revealed his true colors or something. like no he went insane under threat of the DJD#idk i'm apologisting for my boy#but real talk i do think pharma and the way ratchet/others treated him could make a good story abt like#the way ppl want others to fit neatly into good/evil roles ESPECIALLY IF THEY USED TO ASSOCIATE WITH THEM#and how ppl will attempt to distance themselves from 'problematic' exes by just claiming#'oh i always knew there was something evil about them' even when that wasnt the case#idk lol. i mean ppl acknowledge pharma used to be a good doctor but just bc they say it#doesnt mean they actually gave him a chance or didnt treat him as just an autobot who went bad#i know im being contradictory. i'm apologisting i didnt ask for feedback sjfksjfjsjd
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Happy birthday Haengbok 🌞 To our eternal sunshine, our favourite human, our social butterfly with his eclectic array of hobbies, we hope you have the best day ever Lix because you mean so so much to us and you deserve good things 🫶 From you, I have learnt how to be patient and a good listener and I aspire to be more social and outgoing when talking to new people because of how easy yet emotionally rewarding you make it look. Felix is someone you can look at or hear for literally only a few seconds and you will find yourself smiling fondly or laughing along at his jokes because he is our happy pill 🤗 I pray your year ahead is full of happiness and fulfilment, love you so so so much Yongbok 🥰
#happy birthday yongbok 🌞#stray kids#lee felix#what a cutie man he's live right now and just hearing him makes you smile immediately#i remember one moment which has stuck with me but it was during exam season and i like distanced myself from socials etc to focus#and id only look at night just through my notifs and i saw a post someone made with a voice note lix had left on bubble and i was so#stressed that day cause of exams etc and just hearing that calmed me down so so much i dont know how he does it#it wasnt even anything he said he was just being his goofy lil self and it was enough to make me calm down and be happy again#yeah he's very special to me love you lix#loml
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