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flying-elliska · 3 years

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Shadow and Bone Season 1 Review

Ok so I got distracted by a need to watch all of Ben Barnes' filmography (lmao) but here is my review : It was really fun to watch and it was clearly made with love which is already the main thing with YA fantasy, which is often turned into a soulless moneygrab when put on screen. The actors were GREAT. I did think that the Crows suffered from being mashed up with the Shadow and Bone story, but they were still a highlight. I also think it was a bit rushed, esp. when it came to Alina's training. The costumes were beautiful, I want a kefta now. Plus the crossover fanfic interactions btw the SaB characters and the Crows were just pure joy. Also Milo, obviously <3 I'm in hyperfixation mode so here, have an essay :

The "Shadow and Bone" Characters :

- Jessie Mei Li !!!!!! She really made me like Alina so much more than in the books, she absolutely is the 'human embodiment of literal sunshine' and she was a joy to watch. Her character's arc is cliché but her acting is so expressive and endearing, I really felt for her all the way through. (maybe I'm biased bc Jessie talking about her ADHD and seeing her thrive at the same time is like!!! i love them they deserve all the best.) I like that they made Alina more proactive - even though she does make some stupid decisions... but I just don't understand people who put that down as bad writing, like ??? have you ever met a real person who only makes wise, good decisions ?? a character like that would either be at the end of their story or just in the background because that makes them static. The things with the maps in the beginning does a good job of illustrating how she is just this one girl making rash, erratic decisions out of fear and loyalty and doesn't have a sense of the bigger picture, caught in the tide of bigger events. It works for her character. When it comes to the choice of making her half-Shu, I do think it really makes sense re: her character feeling like an outsider but I do understand the criticisms that the microaggressions felt too relentless and one-note. I am really looking forward to them introducing Tamar and Tolya and hopefully connecting to them over her heritage in a more positive way.

- Mal in the books was one of the most annoying YA characters I've ever come across, so I really liked that they made him much more of a loyal, devoted friend. I found his relationship with Alina cute, it really gives us the sense that these are two orphans who found a home in each other, childhood best friends (and potential sweethearts) separated by war, two army grunts and ordinary people caught up in the wheels of power and war that usually crushes people like them, it's a great way to introduce the dynamics of their world and it's a trope that always makes me emo. It felt a bit too one note to me, though, and too heavily on the nose, like Mal's only personality was his attachment to Alina (and his resentment towards the Grisha) and too much of her emotional arc also relied on him. Them hitting us over the head with the meadow scenes felt like pure telling instead of showing and it ended up being super repetitive and kind of annoying. I am willing to like this pairing, but I wanted more scenes of them just having conversations about things and really understanding why they like each other beyond the whole childhood friends bond that we're asked to accept exists at the beginning. So I hope there's more depth there in next seasons.

- Ben Barnes!!!! Just jksdfhgkdjghdf. I'm not a big villain stan usually and I hated the Darkling in the books but DAMN his performance is just amazing. They managed to make him more sympathetic and human while at the same time making clear the stuff he does is deeply horrible. There's the Magneto-aspect of 'well clearly his methods are fucked up but he's addressing a terrible injustice nobody is doing anything about' that makes it very tempting to root for him ; and again, well, like, Ben Barnes is so hot and charismatic it feels uncomfortable (which I guess is part of the point lol). His loss of humanity is, up to a point, understandable, brought about by despair, loneliness, grief and a sense of powerlessness - living so long he starts to see other people as disposable, losing so many people he stops caring, seeing over and over how hate never seems to stop, etc. It's a logical explanation for going insane.

But the hunger for power is also very much present as a motivation and this ambiguity is there constantly. Does he maybe come to genuinely care for Alina or is it totally bullshit ? I think he does, he's just so fucked up that it comes out as possessiveness and a need to control her. He wants Alina to be his equal but he's incapable of treating her that way. It's tragic, in a sense, but the show doesn't excuse his actions either. Like his monstrosity is a product of this world full of injustice, yes, and that warrants some compassion, monsters are always a symptom of their environment in some ways and dehumanizing them completely is an excuse ; but at the same time, he sabotaged his own cause anyway the moment he started to treat other people like things, as he does with Alina, because that just perpetuates the cycle of violence and hate. At some point he started feeling like he was the only solution and he was owed power for his sacrifices, and he's using his cause as an excuse. When Alina came to him, there was a possibility for redemption, taking down the Fold, and it's a test because there is finally someone on his level of power. But instead of seeking to remedy the power imbalance between them, he made it worse, by lying to her, manipulating her, etc, and the antler collar is the ultimate sign of this.

I love those scenes towards the end (the antler-based body horror has big Hannibal vibes, so messed up). I like Alina telling him they could have had this, that she had compassion for him and his cause, that they could have worked together, and he's the one responsible for screwing it up and this time his claim that he's the misunderstood victim ("Make me your villain") appears delusional and self-serving instead of somewhat justified. The almost-lovers to enemies vibes, the sense of lost potential, and the angst of the whole 'oh you could finally have been loved by people, too bad you fucked it up !', very juicy. There is this fundamental idea that power/respect/love is not something you are owed no matter how good your intentions are or because you're strong or you have suffered or you're willing to commit horrible drastic actions, you have to keep proving you deserve it, and trying to claim power without responsibility of care turns you into a monster. The thing with the stag was an excellent metaphor of the fact that there's things you can't take, they have to be given to you, and the wonderful power there is in understanding that is what allows Alina to harness the stag amplifier's power. This is really when she escapes his grim utilitarian outlook and a different way forward and owns her own power fully on her own terms.

Anyway I hope Alina gets to beat the shit out of him at some point that would be very sexy but I'm also looking forward to see how their arcs parallel and diverge from each other as Alina starts to grapple more with the implications of her power and the harsh dilemmas of war and her own dark side. I want to see him become scared of her, and I feel it will be more visible than in the books where he just has this cold aggressive facade all the time. This one feels a lot more openly emotional which is just a lot more interesting.

- As for the other characters ; Zoya mostly made me sad. The actress has the perfect vibes but I'm not sure I love their take on her character so far, it does make sense in terms of the later books - that she has internalized prejudice regarding her mixed-race heritage, that she is jealous of Alina because of how hard she's fought to get where she is and Alina kind of takes it away from her, etc. But I would have liked to see a bit more of her being badass and sharp-tongued in a clever (even if mean) way instead of spending most of her time being rejected by men and being racist towards Alina. I did like the ending though, of her actually seeing the monstrosity of the Darkling in action and the mention of her aunt. And her brief bonding with Inej was great, just because it was badass but also maybe because it could be a part of Zoya learning to accept her Suli heritage in turn, maybe not right away but in time, when thinking of that part of herself, she won't only think of her parents' ruined marriage and all the pain it caused, but also of that badass and brave acrobat girl who went toe to toe with these really scary monsters without even having any powers and !!!!!

- Also Leigh's cameo was so cute and as an aspiring writer this is just such wish fulfillment

- I honestly think that having the Crows there actually made the S&B story better ? Not only in terms of the much needed levity breaks but also in terms of themes. For instance, Matthias and Nina's story gave us a really raw and visceral view of how the Grisha are hunted. And Inej's relationship to Alina really gave us a sense of what Alina actually means to people who believe in the Saints in a way that doesn't feel just like 'ugh those superstitious people' because we know that Inej's faith is part of what makes her who she is and a person with morals, and something that saw her through the worst moments of her life. It feels so special that she got to meet Alina and given a sign that maybe the world is not completely shitty. And Alina's kindness towards Inej really gives you a sense that she might be, or become worthy of that belief in time, or at least that she wants to, that she's figuring out her power to really touch people's lives might be a good thing, and that she's starting to accept this responsibility more fully. And her arming Inej is a nice parallel to that. I'm very emotional about this scene, because one of the first things we see of young Alina is her taking out a knife to defend Mal from the bullies, because she's protective and brave, but she's also aware the world is a shitty place, and so her giving that knife to Inej is a sort of spiritual transmission and recognition of sorts, that she trusts Inej with that fighting power, that she'll use this knife to defend herself and her loved ones and not abuse it. It's so interesting. And a counter point to the Darkling's fucked up relationship to power that Alina might at some point get afraid she'll replicate. That you could see Alina trying to gather followers and using people's admiration for her like he did but instead she sets them free and empowers them. It's great. And I feel that when Inej takes to the seas, she'll think about Alina. (I do hope somebody tells her Alina's not dead at some point though god). Girls giving each other knives is my spirituality, honestly.

- And I also noticed an interesting parallel between Kaz and the Darkling in terms of being two emo dudes who like to wear black, are prone to violence and have a thing for two very powerful women they think are special and want to have at their side, but of course, they go about it in very different ways. The Darkling comes at it from a place of power while Kaz comes from a place of utter powerlessness, first of all, and he understands why it's important to set Inej free. Him spending the entire season trying to earn enough money to pay off Inej's indenture is the opposite to the Darkling putting that collar on Alina and while I do have issues with how the show portrays him, I do love that. Love is about setting the person you love free !!!! And that confrontation scene was so powerful, when Kaz tells the Darkling Alina was tired of being a captive ! Drag him !

- As for Genya, I liked the actress and her chemistry with Alina, but I'm not sure they did a great job of making her arc very clear, for instance what it means for her to get that red kefta, her relationship with the other Grisha, etc. Her and David are already very cute though. Also very much looking forward to see where that goes.

So yeah I think they did a great job with this bit actually, I enjoyed a lot more than I think I would and even though it is a very tropey story, there's plenty of depth there too.

The Crows :

- I'm a bit more nitpicky about this because I care about these characters so much. I think overall the problem is that the SaB story in the books happens on this massive scale with enormous stakes, and that next to that the Crows' issues feel less important ; it's like their impact is distorted by the gravity of the much larger story. Like for instance, Kaz in the books is very much at the center of everything, this larger than life trickster figure who knows and controls almost everything by sheer cleverness, and he has this sense of allure and mystique that can't happen here, and so his aura just shrinks. On top of that they're not on their home turf. Being introduced to these characters before they've reached their full levels of badass is weird - there is a reason why prequels generally happen after the main stuff, because they count on the love you have for these characters at their full potential to make you interested in their story when they were less badass and interesting. So I had several moments where I was like 'oh this feels wrong'. Tbh the idea that they would even volunteer to kidnap Alina in the first place, what with Inej's backstory, feels kind of wrong, esp since they had no idea of what would happen to her if they succeeded.

- But I still enjoyed a lot of it though, especially the fact that they were this force of chaos in the midst of this bigger narrative that's a lot more self-serious. The bits with the train, or the circus acts were very clever. A lot of the best moments in the show happen when they come to disturb the other plot in unexpected ways. I'm still dead over the whole 'Alina jumps into their carriage' scene, that was fucking gold. The team up at the end !!!! Alina and Kaz making a deal ! Inej stabbing the Darkling !!!! Them stealing the Darkling's carriage !!! They don't give a shit that the story is supposed to be super dramatic it's great.

- Jesper is the one character they completely nailed from start to finish and he's probably my favorite part of the whole show. He's very funny without being reduced to the role of comic relief ; he's just so! damn! cool!!!!!!! I honestly feel this is a thing they actually did even better than in the books, or at least Six of Crows where I felt Jasper kind of disappeared behind Kaz and they insist a lot on his flaws and issues. So before we dig more into those problems I love that they gave him time to be this ultra badass who saves the day several times ; while at the same time, hinting at further developments like his powers or his gambling issues. Kit Young is just perfect, confident without being arrogant, a bit cold when it comes to crime while at the same time being so obviously caring with Inej - I loved their friendship, that was so sweet. My main criticism is that they should have made it clearer he was bi because there are already people calling him gay and that's very annoying. I know some people had a problem with his hookup and like...I can see it's a bit of a cliché...the charming badass bisexual adventurer....it's a trope I kind of love though lmao and the scene itself felt kind of cute and fun. He's not the only person who is shown to have an active sexuality and he's also not the only queer person around and we know he's going to have a more substantial romantic arc later so eh. On a larger note I loved the little casual hints of completely normalized queerness - Nadia thirsting over Zoya, Fedyor and Ivan, Poppy, etc. Having grown up with fantasy where queerness was either completely erased or very tormented and problematic, this was refreshing as hell.

- Inej and Kaz...my faves... They have a kind of relationship which feels so rare and unique in terms of what exists on TV and while I don't feel they entirely replicated it, the core is still there - the mutual respect and building of trust, the longing, the repression, the trauma, etc. One thing I really like is their arc around faith - in the books, Kaz is dismissive of Inej's faith in ways that often feel really shitty and I like that he learns to be more respectful of it. It's very much linked to hope/survival ; Inej keeps this token from her parents and she hopes to find them again ; Kaz tells her it's no use and she'll survive better if she gives up. He believes Alina is a fake, while Inej wants to believe that myths can come true and there is hope for good things in the world. Kaz comes to accept that Alina is the real deal and, out of respect for Inej's faith, to stop pursuing her. I loved the bit about Inej struggling to kill as well - it's the dilemma of what her survival and that of the people she really cares about are worth in such a shitty world - her compassion is a good part of her but so is her survival instinct, and that's the part Kaz represents - that even after she's been through hell, broken in unfathomable ways, even if she gave up all hope and faith in the world, even she becomes dangerous and ruthless to survive, she will still deserve dignity, and to be treated better. And meanwhile she is willing to break her principles, which she holds so dearly, to save him, when he's never had anyone who cared for him like that - enough to keep him alive. That bit in the church !!!!! God !!!!!! Bye !!!!!!! And then him basically calling her his own version of a Saint, that he doesn't believe in miracles but he does believe in her !!! It's very emblematic of their whole arc ; he empowers her to survive in a ruthless world and loves her at her most dangerous ; but he loves her laugh too, he finds her a ship and her parents, he honors her capacity for love and hope even when he can't share it. And she sees that he's capable of doing better, that he's worth caring for. This whole thing kills me honestly and I can't wait to see where they take this next. I'm not mad they're a bit more soft and obvious than in the books, Kaz would just have come across as an an asshole otherwise.

- That said, there are bits of how they introduced their backstories I don't like. I get that making it so Inej was still tied to the Menagerie gave them a very powerful reason to want to kidnap Alina beyond greed so that they wouldn't look like very shitty people. But in the books Inej is terrified by the idea of simply seeing Heleen or the Menagerie and the way they have her interact with her feels weirdly casual and dismissive of her trauma. Also, in the books, the fact that Kaz had to convince Per Haskell to buy Inej's contract through a lot of effort, that he wasn't the one holding that above her head either, made the power dynamics more palatable. I especially disliked the scene where Kaz says he won't free other girls because just Inej is special, it makes him look like he has the power but he's just too much of a callous asshole to do it, and that he just freed Inej because he liked her which is absolutely not what their relationship is about at the start, it's a lot more about seeing Inej's dangerous side behind a facade of powerlessness and relating to her, in a sense, and this scene made it all feel cheap.

- Also, what was that about Inej having a brother ? Not a fan of that either. I'm afraid they're going to make her story all about finding what happened to him, and that's 1) too on the nose similar to Kaz's story and 2) it kind of cheapens her own arc, a female character realizing that what was done to her was wrong, reclaiming her own power and dignity and then making sure it doesn't happen to anybody else, harnessing her personal experience to save strangers, that's so powerful - making it about a family member at first, especially if it's about revenge, it's so much more simplistic and unoriginal and the perspective really annoys me.

- Also not a fan of Per Haskell not being there because he's a very important part of Kaz's evolution, so I hope he shows up eventually - and the way they introduced Pekka Rollins was kind of like...weird and out of place. I just found the Crows' introduction scenes stilted and not as cool as they should have been - well, Jesper and Inej were very cool, but we needed to see Kaz in action first, we needed to see why he's such a menace before we see him flounder later, and I just...I don't know exactly but it didn't work for me. Also this is a very petty thing but I wasn't crazy about the Ketterdam sets, I know this is probably a budget thing but in my head it looked like this incredible mix of Amsterdam and Venice - specific locations in the book directly remind me of parts of Amsterdam I know very well - and instead what we got felt like this very generic London-ish fantasy setting....so boring. Also a lot of scenes that felt to exposition-y. I don't mind that Kaz was a bit softer than in the books, like many people have said some things work in books and don't work on a screen, and you need to make the character's inner dynamics more explicit. But I do agree that, at the same time, he should have been more ruthless towards people outside of his group. Loved that scene where he faces the Inferni though, and how well they illustrated his disability and aversion to touch.

- I don't have that much to say about Nina and Matthias ; I'm still not super sold on the whole 'haha misogyny!' thing and I dislike that so much of Matthias' change of heart relies on the fact that he finds Nina hot. But I did think that the actors had enough chemistry to make their scenes together interesting and cute ; I loved the waffle scene. Even though it's disappointing that they didn't find an actress who was more clearly plus size for Nina, I still think Danielle does a good job bringing her bold, unapologetic energy. I'm really looking forward to seeing the Crows as a whole team.

So yeah, even though the season didn't feel like a perfect, coherent whole, it was just a lot of fun and I really hope they get renewed. In particular I feel like tying the first trilogy to the Crows' story could create such interesting parallels in terms of themes, about power, the cost of survival, hope, trauma, etc etc

#shadow and bone #shadow and bone netflix #grishaverse #six of crows #leigh bardugo

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normal-thoughts-official · 3 years

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your “luke and alaric are married af” series made me transcend. they absolutely ARE. when i watched the show i really expected them to be in a canon relationship bc. it just seemed obvious. (me and magnus: you mean you’re NOT married??????) i’m surprised it’s such a small ship tbh. there is so much potential... i would love to hear more from u!!!!! what ideas do u have? first dates? how does maia react (i bet she’s like... duh? you’re my dads)? the story of luke’s epiphany omg???

for real!!! the chemistry and the love between them was so real and palpable and like hello? the way they always were on each other's corner? the Partners to Lovers dynamic?? the obvious mutual respect they had even though they were always butting heads? the way they always seemed to be growing together and not just fighting??? again the CHEMISTRY?? the fun little snippets we had like "it's never too early for teriyaki"?? literally we had so much to build an amazing romance and alaric is such a minor character his actor isn't even an actor he's a stunt double

like they had what 5 scenes and they all had such a great setup for romance or even for them to have been married the whole time??? they certainly had old married couple dynamics. fuck jocelyn i am speaking her out of existence. also i mean open relationships but why would luke even have a relationship with jocelyn when he had an actually good relationship to compare it to?

also the potential of their getting together being tied up to some personal growth from luke as an alpha and a downworlder in general like... most of their conflicts was because a part of luke still felt indebted to shadowhunters and their heritage and he kept putting the wolves last, and it would have been so good to see luke slowly realizing that he doesn't owe them shit and he gets to prioritize his own people and the people who are there for him, and him eventually choosing alaric over jocelyn being tied to choosing himself as he is now to who he used to be as a (terrible) shadowhunter...

not that it's alaric's job to fix luke obviously, but i don't think it would be "fixing" and this definitely wouldn't be a "teaching luke out of racism" story because when luke helped alaric as he became a werewolf he was already somewhat settled into werewolf life. i just think that a part of luke feels like he still owes loyalty to the people who hated him and it could have been a nice parallel to see him letting this go and getting with alaric. especially because alaric never coddled him, so, you know. and i think luke needed that little push in that sense. and alaric meanwhile would also be growing more confident into his role in the pack and in their job and getting the support he obviously still needed, and like, it could have been so good? definitely rocky before they sorted it out, but good. and of course sh had to waste the opportunity without even giving it thought because when don't they

anyway!!! as for your actual questions! first date is honestly so hard for me because i feel like their first date would feel like their billionth date. again i say, THEY ARE MARRIED whether they know it or not. so i can see their first official date going one of two ways: it's very lowkey, nothing they haven't done a thousand times before (like going to a small little family restaurant that they like, eating together, talking, maybe sharing a milkshake and they feel stupid but they're giggling and can't stop smiling and it makes them so happy that who cares) and it's absolutely PERFECT; OR they try to go all out and make it special and ~woo~ each other and it feels a little weird at first but it's still good and they get to enjoy the romantic ambience, hold hands over the table, and they're both a little shy because it feels like such a leap but it feels right

im gonna elaborate a little bit on both because i really love both??? so like they go to this little joint that is not the jade wolf or anything too close because they want to have this moment for tHEMSELVES, away from wherever anyone else from work or the shadow world might see them and from where they would think about it and associate with it. i am thinking... ohh some nice little place near where alaric's grown up? i'm headcanoning him as hondureño since we got no specifics other than his last name being rodriguez and i'm feeling like making him central american

and ALSO a great typical honduran dish is marinated meat and since luke is a beef jerky fan he would be all over that shit. i headcanon that luke knows alaric's family to some extent (i made a very quick reference to that in the second fic of the series) and i really love to think that luke has been to at least a few carneadas with alaric and his family?? which is aaaaaa another whole thing to talk about i might get back to it in a second but the DATE

also i like to think that luke would fall in love with rice and beans/casamiento because that is my rights. so like them going to the restaurant and having some meat (it's not really a carneada outside of the context of a carneada and for a date but like.. maybe pinchos or ye regular steak with urucum? i've had that in central brazil a few times and god i love it to death. or maybe chimol which sounds like something luke would like) with casamiento, tajadas, u know, the regular stuff? and it's lowey intimate because they are sharing the dish and it's something from alaric's culture you know??? god damn it i'm still talking about food. ONTO THE DATE

the point is that it's very casual and intimate but also uplifting and fun because this is a honduran restaurant we are talking about, so there's probably music, noise, alaric knows the family that runs it and possibly luke does too but they still have their space. maybe they get to dance a little bit because please god i am begging you, and luke has never had too many opportunities to dance before but it turns out he is a natural even if a little self conscious. i am picturing them dancing salsa which i kNOW is not an honduran dance but if the restaurant just leaves a Latin Music™ radio on as they usually do in latino restaurants in the US it's not that unlikely that it would play. and with alaric not being actually cuban he wouldn't humiliate luke too much. lmao

anyway most of the time they are just talking and teasing each other and every time luke takes a bite of the food he moans a little bit because he's a sucker for marinated meat and alaric wasn't even the one to cook it but goddamn if he doesn't feel proud of himself. and they share a drink (i guess the milkshake idea doesn't fit as well here but whatever they will get two straws for their iced tea or Tropical if they're feeling silly or agua de ensalada if they're feeling traditional. the point is that the lack of milkshake won't stop them from doing their dumb sappy thing) and are kind of laughing the whole time because it feels so teenage-y but to be fair luke DID just find out he was bisexual and figuring out your sexuality always brings in second puberty in terms of experiences. and alaric is not going to complain because it feels so sweet and right

and then the dancing which is fun and intimate and a little challenging for luke even if they aren't Full On Dancing Salsa, just a few moves here and there together but they get to be close and intimate and maybe alaric does some impromptu spinning and it makes them both laugh and maybe rub their noses together while they laugh and they are being so silly but they don't care

and basically they go home after hours, as you do, holding hands and a little drunk on each other, bumping shoulders on the way, alaric resting his head on luke's shoulder and luke on top of alaric's? and it makes walking a little awkward but god They Don't Care. and it just feels so perfect, like home and family and everything they are to each other :))))

really wanna add an "and then they fuck like rabbits" at the end but anyway i'll try not to ruin it

second date option! full out fanciness. they are already partners, they have seen each other in every possible situation, they know their worse, they know their married ways, but they want to have a ROMANTIC first date! lay thick their new relationship status. woo each other! show each other what amazing caring boyfriends/husbands they are. be adults!

they pick some fancy restaurant that luke may or may not have gotten suggested to him by magnus when he called him in a bit of panic because he is not very well versed in fancy restaurants and the like. maybe magnus even takes that extra step and portals them somewhere extra romantic like venice or whatever but i think they'd want to be independent in terms of going there and back so maybe not. anyway the point is, fancy restaurant! suits! they are a bit more nervous than they usually would because they haven't been in a place like this in waaayyy too long and they've never done anything remotely similar to that together before so it feels like a new territory and they kiinda want to prove something even though that's stupid because they've already chosen each other

but it goes well???? not as natural as the first date idea but that might just be me and thinking that casualness is the most romantic thing, and either way, it still feels so right and good. they get to sip wine, hold hands over the table, say something sweet to each other over entrees, share dessert, bicker over who gets to pay. again the marriedness of it all absolutely slips through but there is that new element that they are getting to explore and that feels so nice

and it's never stilted and forced, even if they are a little nervous, they are still themselves and it goes down smoothly and they are happy that it worked so well because there is always that fear in a best friends to lovers kinda situation that things will just feel weird, especially when you're both adults and have so much history. but it doesn't, it feels romantic and new and exciting and as they leave they tease each other a little bit like "after you, gentleman" and laugh together 🥺🥺🥺

and they have their first kiss as they leave and they both linger a little bit as they just stand under the stars and keep their eyes closed and their hands linked together and i need a moment oh my god

this got too long so i'm separating the answers for the different questions: maia's reaction (link), luke's epiphany (link)

#sh #shadowhunters #luke garroway #alaric rodriguez #aluke #ask #anonymous #long post #kinda #i know there are more questions im just separating them because the post feels too long already

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lexicals · 4 years

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Jfc I am BUZZING what a fucking episode. The first part of this is mostly screaming tbh

I love happy juno but also grumpy juno is my favourite welcome back

I love how firm peter is with him in stopping him from spiralling? It's good

Rita coming into her own!! Learning lessons!! Growing up!! Yes!!!

SO MUCH INFO THOUGH. Dark matters wants the crime family and they want them alive and they don't know anything about two of them but!! Which two!!

You'd presume nureyev is one but..... who knows ahh

This is gonna be mostly screaming I have no time for coherent thought rn

Juno being protective over rita godd

Juno comforting rita while she's panicking ;;

OH HEY FUCK THE NAME? I MEAN LIKE IT WAS ALWAYS A POSSIBILITY BUT RITAAAA

Me thinking no surely he wouldn't have just abandoned them and breathing a sigh of relief when he hadn't only for my boy to DO THIS?? ET TU PETER??

PETER

NUREYEV

DESERVES

BULLIED

I'm not serious but my guy had BETTER have a good reason for this. I would hope it's a long con of some kind or SOMETHING but PETER

Anyway if these people know his name idk if this is either 1. Blackmail or 2. Maybe he didn't get away from brahma all by himself after new kinshasa after all. Maybe he had help and it's finally come back to bite him in the ass. Who knows but I'm fucking 👀 PETER.

MISTER WHO

Also. Robot kisses 🥺

ALSO. Juno just. Picking him up and carrying him out of the room fhshdhdgs

MAMA BUDDY SO ANGRY THOUGH. I thought this would be the case but ooof

LESBIAN WEDDING TIME THOUGHHH Buddy and vespa inventing romance once AGAIN

I mean I'm sad they're retiring (although depending on what nureyev is doing here this "last job" could be UHHHHH DERAILED) but!! Yes!! Married!!

Knife girlfriend will finally be..... knife WIFE

Juno sniffling in the corner like ME TOO BITCH THE FUCK. Secretly a sap as usual though mr steel I love you

I can't remember other things I just. So much happened. I'm gonna need to listen again at least a few times here

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Oh FUCK also rita!! "When someone tells you what they want you to call them that's what you call them"!! Penumbra said trans rights once again thank you kabert and also ms jones. Bless

Not a second listen yet but more Thots:

Rly good episode...... and the robot kisses were very cute...... but I had this thought in pt. 1 and again this episode that I'm kinda bummed out that we've kinda just.... skipped over all the relationship development for juno & peter. Like on the one hand it's kind of unavoidable to miss stuff given the series format this time around but on the other it feels like 2 seasons of build up for something that.... just happened offscreen :/ Idk I was hoping for a first kiss back together or Something

On the one hand while it seems like nureyev is being a Snake™ I'm gonna hold back on actually saying he's gonna betray the crew bc he's been so consistently set up as the villain, going back to s1 when juno refused to trust him all the way through to shadows of the ship, and he's never actually proven himself untrustworthy a single time through that? Like, murderous mask has been the only time he's actually fucked anyone over for his own gain, and he went back on that one pretty quick

Plus the fact that he's only claiming to deliver the four items they need, not the curemother itself - it could be that he's planning to wait until after they've stolen the curemother when they no longer have a use for them, or at least I'd like to think so peter I'm fucking Watching You

Another thought: you know how else you might describe a debt? Something you owe to someone because, maybe, they have something of yours? A fucking ransommmmm

Also, why! Did! That! Bot! Not! Self! Destruct! Or at least not straight away. It's almost like someone wanted them to get away in the nick of time. There's a part of me that's wondering if the fact that dark matters is under mysterious new management and the fact that nureyev has made himself what seems like a very powerful enemy are linked, but we'll see. Either way I think someone definitely facilitated their escape, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was whoever is holding peter's debt, using the crew as a tool to get their hands on the four items they want and keeping nureyev as a source on their progress

Looking forward.... other people have said this as well, but I don't think nureyev is ever going to be cast as a villain here. At the very worst, he'll do something well-intentioned but kind of stupid, and it's gonna blow up in his face. Like, it's gonna hurt, but I think he'll come out of the other side better for whatever happens. Currently, my thoughts are on whether or not we'll see a repeat of new kinshasa - a high-stakes choice between someone dear to him, and the choice he feels he has to make, whether that's other people's lives again or something else. Idk, maybe not, I'm just thinking about the theming of the series with the past always coming back to haunt them, the fact that he's been said to be at a crossroads back in man in glass, and the part in tools of rust where the ruby gives jet the opportunity to make the same mistake he did fifteen years ago, and he chooses differently. Tbh as usual I'm just excited to see how things play out however that is

ACTUAL second listen this time:

Rita redacted I love you so much x3 combo. I missed this earlier but it needs to be said

Rita says she found nureyev's name by hacking into buddy's notes on him and comparing them to the outer rim criminal records which leads me to ask the question how much does buddy know? Why would rita be checking outer rim records unless something in buddy's notes pointed her in that direction? I've had my suspicions that she knows more than she's saying for a while but 👀

Nureyev sounds so nervous/scared too...... :(

I had this thought on the first listen but didn't write it down: nureyev is so goddamn smart, like so smart, I don't think he gets enough credit for that. Also him saying "one problem at a time, like [buddy] would say" was - oof. Considering how much time he spends referencing mag's advice in man in glass, even if he's bitter about it, I think that reference is very telling on how he thinks about her

Love the way he skirts around saying they have to move sneakily dhsgjf. Also "only twice" I do love him

Juno joking about his track record on not dying.... oh he's come a long way though

The way that nureyev talks to rita throughout them moving around - he's kind of a natural leader (which, ouch), but also it's clear that he has absolute confidence in her, he doesn't ever doubt for a second that she wouldn't be able to do something. It's obviously a little unempathetic when she's so shaken and doubting herself but also he clearly trusts her almost as much as if not as much as juno, and I do love to hear it

Detective falco? 👀

Juno looking on the bright side! Not blaming himself! Saying maybe it's gonna be okay and believing in her! I cry!

Except for when nureyev is in danger though ): I love that this story never shows recovery in a linear way, that juno is still inclined to beat himself up even if he is better than he used to be. He's growing but it's always gonna be a work in progress!

The fact that dark matters seems to be moving entirely towards remote operation now? Like it makes sense tactically, there's no risk of expending agents in a fight, I'm interested if the writers are gonna dig into that considering the real-world state of drone use in the military and law enforcement

Calling their heist marks "radicals", it seems like dark matters is trying to keep track of or maybe capture rogue (or radical) elements out in the universe - things like the knife and the key, which is probably why they were after m'tendere, they themselves being a radical element. I wonder if this is what brought the crew to their attention in the first place; it's definitely why they want to capture them alive at least, they want information out of them on why they're collecting the same marks

They specifically say two radicals though, and potentially a third, depending on whether the book is counted as the third that might mean they don't know about the map at all, maybe

I mentioned this another time but I'm wondering Again if dark matters was behind the mysterious disappearance of all the theia soul chips except for juno's, esp with what rita said about the interface for the bots being like theia tech - experimental tech like that would deffo be considered a radical element and they definitely could have used it as a basis for these new bots

Peter........ he's in a ROBOT stop being HORNY

"Galaxy-class criminals" huh.

Someone else pointed this out elsewhere idr who but buddy's line that sometimes helping people means trusting them to help themselves despite your concerns, when paired with what's going on with nureyev is.... interesting

WOW buddy is mad though

I'm REALLY wondering how much she knows about what's going on tbh, especially seeing as her pov is probably up next. Aaaaa I'm gonna be yelling for the next however many weeksss

Jet sounds so happy about the ruby being fixed aw

Vespa so nervous about making her announcement AW

Buddy sounds so HAPPY AW

Peter starts laughing right at the end when vespa starts threatening juno which,, oh boy ): I rly hope everything turns out okay ;;

Rita saying that sometimes trying to help someone in pain is being selfish because you just don't want to look at the hurt is a really interesting thing to come from her considering her long-standing relationship with juno, huh

“Before the year is out” is a very vague timeframe, once again thinking that nureyev’s plan may well be to only hand the items over once the heist is done

Anyway once again AAAAA

#wastepaper basket #tpp #tpp s3 #tpp spoilers #tpp s3 spoilers #tpp meta tag

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aaronhart93-archive · 4 years

Text

discord II text Jaycee & Aaron

Discord thread featuring: Aaron and @jayceelynd

Mentions: @romanbeckett @wtf-eden @alison-haynes @davieslandon

Where: Aaron is at his house and Jaycee is roaming the streets

When: evening of June 6th, evening of June 8th, morning of June 9th

Description: Aaron apologizes to Jaycee, Jaycee yells at him, then texts him a day later

Trigger Warnings: angst, brief mention of past sexual assault

6/6/2020:

Aaron:

Hey

Jaycee:

[Read]

Aaron:

I’m so sorry

Jaycee:

[Read]

Aaron:

I never meant for this to happen and I especially never meant to hurt you(edited)

Jaycee:

Leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you. You of all people Aaron. Of all fucking people!

Aaron:

I know I’ll probably never be able to make it up to you and I promise you NOTHING is going to happen

Jaycee:

[Read]

Aaron:

I understand you don’t want to talk to me. But whenever you’re ready to let me have it go for it

Jaycee:

I honestly don’t think there’s more to say, Aaron.

After everything.. I just.. No, I can’t.

Aaron.

I know

You’re so important to me and we’ve been through a lot.

And I really fucked it up

Jaycee:

Just not important enough to walk away when you realized you’re falling for my boyfriend, right?

You didn’t care then, and how can I believe you do now?

Aaron:

I did walk away

At least

I tried to

You don’t have to believe me now. Or ever. You don’t owe me anything but I just need you to know I am so fucking sorry

Jaycee:

I guess in the end I’m the one that looks stupid. Sitting here happy and in love, while my best friend and boyfriend fall for one another. Just great. I was finally happy, Aaron. And you tried to take that from me.

Aaron:

No one thinks you’re stupid

I promise I didn’t try to do this, this wasn’t what I wanted

Jaycee:

Oh, I’m sure they do. I know I feel stupid.

Yeah but these are just words at the end of the day, aren’t they. What holds truth and what doesn’t.

Aaron:

What can I do?

Jaycee:

The thoughts that have curated because of this. I want to be numb, I don’t want to breathe. How am I supposed to be okay? The idea of losing him, literally breaks me. How am I supposed to know he really wants to stay and doesn’t feel trapped. HOW!?

There’s nothing you can do, I don’t want anything from you.

Aaron:

I’m sorry I caused this

Jaycee:

Me too

Aaron:

I will always be here for you

Jaycee:

That’s the hard part. Is I know you will be.

Does your girlfriend know all of this!?

Aaron:

No she doesn’t

Jaycee:

Why?

Aaron:

I just haven’t gotten to it yet

Jaycee:

Wait.. Did this happen before or after you got with her.

Aaron:

After...

Jaycee:

Why be with her if you feel or felt this way.

With the intentions of getting him? With hope you two would run off together? Or was it just to get it off your chest before you went forward with Eden?

Aaron:

wait jaycee I never intended on “getting” Roman or running off with him or anyway

It was just something I needed to get off my chest

It was killing me

Jaycee:

How can I believe that, that wasn't your intentions though..

Do you know how desperately I want to believe that?

Aaron:

It really wasn’t

I knew then and I know now that it’s not going to happen

Jaycee:

I wish I knew it wouldn't. My head is telling me otherwise..

Aaron:

I care about you too much

And Landon

Jaycee:

You have really hurt me

Aaron:

I know

I will never forgive myself

But I’m trying to be more honest

I’ve spent my whole life keeping things in and it always ended in some self destructive breakdown.

Jaycee:

I've been telling you forever to be more honest.. And I'm proud of you for doing that. I just.. Aaron..

Aaron:

You have, Ali has, all the people I care about have....I don’t expect your forgiveness anytime soon or at all even...although my heart breaks at the fact of not having you as a friend

Jaycee:

And my niece.. That's another factor that kills me. What if I can't forgive the one person I trusted since I was 14 years old. But nowI have to deal with the breaking poor Destiny's heart. I love that little girl as if she was my own. I just need time, Right now if we were face to face I don't trust I won't wanna hit you or scream. I'm trying not to act like that anymore.(edited)

Aaron:

You can see Des whenever you want

I’d never keep you from her

I understand

Jaycee06/06/2020

I know you wouldn’t.

And the hardest part who do I cry to over this?

Aaron:

I know

6/8/2020

Jaycee:

I’m sorry I got so rude with you. I realize I am dramatic. But I’m really trying to work on forgiving you. I really miss my friend and could use my friend. But how can I talk to you about my problems, especially with my relationship without worrying. Like I told Roman I’m all about action right now.

Aaron:

Jayc

I miss you

I will show you that you can trust me. I promise. You don’t have to talk to me about Roman if you don’t want to but you can if you want and I’ll listen. I’m moving on.

Jaycee:

I just want my friend back..

Aaron:

I want my friend back too

So bad

Jaycee:

I’m walking around town and I’m a mess. I just can’t stop crying. I hate crying, it’s embarrassing.

Aaron:

It’s late. You should go home

It’s not safe

Jaycee:

I have pepper spray, and know self defense.

I may be short but I can kick some ass

Aaron:

You really can

Jaycee:

It can’t happen again, so I had to learn to fight.

Aaron:

I understand that

Jaycee:

I have the hiccups

Aaron:

I wish I could make you feel safe

Can you at least text me when you get home?

If you have the hiccups you need to take some deep breathes

Jaycee:

I’m on my way home, I’m side eyeing you cause you told me to go home.

I think I’m looking for danger..

Aaron:

There’s my friend Jaycee

Jaycee:

I want to watch my favorite Disney movie on my projector but it’s up in the addict and that place scares me.

I kinda want to come over but it’s like late.

Aaron:

You should stop by and watch the movie with Des when she wakes up

Jaycee:

I’d like that. I got her some really cute tutus and ballet slippers. I’m actually jealous of her.

Aaron:

she is going to L O V E them

Come! I’d rather you here than wandering alone. Are you drunk? Lol

Jaycee:

I may be, so what. I’m a woman!!!!

I couldn’t find my Tesla

Aaron:

Good thing bc you shouldn’t have been driving that if you’re drunk. Need my driver to scoop you?

Jaycee:

Hey you know she drives me, auto pilot haha. Yeah these heels hurt.

Aaron:

Send me your location and my driver will get you and bring you home!

Jaycee:

Sends Location

Aaron:

He’s on the way

Stay.

Jaycee

Don’t be so bossy

Aaron

Yes ma’am

Jaycee:

Rude

Aaron:

*puppy face emoji*

Jaycee:

Thank you, Sir

Aaron:

*goofy face emoji*

Jaycee:

Haha omg these hiccups

Aaron:

Water and deep breathes lol

Jaycee:

Aaron, I have nothing but my phone and purse. I’m breathing, I am breathing.

Aaron:

Okay is he there yet?

Jaycee:

Yeah, I thought I saw you know who.. I might be losing my mind. Who knows.

Aaron:

do I need to beat him up I’m itching for a fight

Jaycee:

Can I get a few hits

Aaron:

You can have all the hits you want. I’ll hold him down.

Jaycee:

I’m gonna crush his balls

Sorry if that caused pain

Aaron:

Yessss

I wouldn’t feel sorry for him

Jaycee:

Why can’t he leave me alone, though. Like you have my sister and my mom on your side. Enjoy.

Aaron:

Bc he is a sociopath and that’s what sociopaths do

Jaycee:

He has videos, or claims and threats to release them and ruin me. He’d just incriminate himself. I just don’t want anyone I love to see it. I don’t want to be treated differently and I know I will be.

Aaron:

Do you actually believe him though?

But you’re right he would never.

I could always call another one of my lawyer friends for you too if you ever need legal advice on that stuff...if you were ever interested in taking legal action.

Jaycee:

I have proof for myself, but I was a scared teenage girl that thought I was trapped. I mean until I met you.

I’m ready to put his ass behind bars, I just feel he won’t get much done to him.

And then everyone in the world will know

Aaron:

We can do it

6/9/2020

Jaycee:

Hey thank you for the help last night. I passed out and sobered up at my office and then went home.

Aaron:

Of course! You never had to thank me. that's what friends are for

and if you were serious about putting this dick behind bars let me know

Jaycee:

I don’t know if I can handle it

Aaron:

obviously it's up to you. but just for the record i know you can(edited)

tiny but mighty

Jaycee:

It just will regress me I fear.

Aaron:

that's possible. i heard the whole process is super re-traumatizing

i learned that from SVU

Jaycee:

From SVU huh lol

Aaron:

lmao yes

Jaycee:

Dork alert

Lmao

Aaron:

it's a good show!!! the fuck

Jaycee:

Eh, it’s okayyy

Don’t get your feelers hurt now, I’m just picking on you

Aaron:

*smiley face emoji*

Jayce:

*laughing face emoji*

Aaron:

I looooove uu

#discord #text: jaycee #text #ft. jaycee #ft. roman #ft: landon #ft: eden #ft: alison #aaroman

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kagehinataboke · 5 years

Note

todobaku roommates au bc i loved the one you wrote!!! with with with erotic dreams (better if it's todoroki having them bc BAHAHA i. i'd just love to see that.)

aww thank you hon 😭💕 asketh and you shall receiveth!

tdbk: [12] Roommates AU and [88] Erotic Dreams

i went for the Bakugou route with the dreams, only because i wanted to have him chat w/ Kirishima about it. forgive me anon 🙏🏻

***

“You had… a wet dream?” From the look on Kirishima’s face, Bakugou can tell he’s holding back laughter.

“Shut the fuck up, Shitty Hair.” Bakugou half-rises from his seat, prepared to leave—and perhaps run straight into oncoming traffic. “Dammit. I knew I shouldn’t have fucking told you.”

“Hey, I didn’t even say anything yet!” Kirishima holds his hands up innocently. “I just needed to process it… Who was the dream about?”

Bakugou sits back down hesitantly, taking a sip of black coffee to calm his nerves. “…Todoroki.”

Kaminari snorts into his hot chocolate, spilling it across the café table. “Wait, the one who has a stupid expression all the time? The one who stays up late every night and never gets tired? The one you’re constantly saying you can’t stand? That Todoroki? Your roommate Todoroki?”

“Keep your fucking voice down,” Bakugou hisses, shoving napkins into Kirishima’s hands. “Yes, that Todoroki. And now I can’t stop thinking about it. I want to scrub my brain with bleach. And if that doesn’t work, I want to kill myself.” Bakugou slams his head against the table, rattling their mugs. “My roommate. How can I look him in the eyes now?”

“Do you think you like him?” Kirishima asks, sopping up his spilled cocoa. “From a bystander point-of-view, it’s really impossible to tell whether you like or hate someone.”

“I don’t know,” Bakugou groans, rubbing his palms into his eyelids. “I thought I hated him, but now I get all… weird whenever I see him. I feel like such a fucking creep. The guy sleeps ten feet away from me.”

“This isn’t the end of the world.” Kirishima dumps the gross wet napkins on his plate and picks up his cup. “It sounds like you’re overreacting a little. Your subconscious messes up everything in your dreams, dude. This could be a one-time thing.”

Bakugou fidgets with his empty mug anxiously. “…You think?”

“Absolutely!” Kirishima claps him on the shoulder reassuringly. “Just try to forget about it. I’m sure things will be back to normal in no time.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

Bakugou says it to convince himself more than anything. It’s not uncommon to have totally weird dreams, right? That one time, he dreamed the moon was blown up, and that didn’t really happen. Dreams are stupid, and this one doesn’t mean anything. He’ll look at Todoroki when he gets back, and he’ll feel nothing—no tightness in his chest, no butterflies in his stomach—because that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

He feels a bit better already.

***

Hah, Katsuki— N-not there… Ah!

Bakugou jerks awake in an ice-cold sweat, his back on the hardwood floor and his legs straight up in the air. Jesus fucking Christ. It happened again. Thank god Todoroki has already left for his morning class, or he’d see what else—other than Bakugou’s legs—is sticking up.

He’s a pervert, isn’t he? While he’s getting dressed, and even after he leaves the dorm, Bakugou can’t get the eerily vivid mental image out of his head. Todoroki covered in sweat, his hair blossoming across Bakugou’s pillowcase, gasping out his name, begging for—

Oh shit, he actually likes thinking about it. What the fuck? Is he really a creep? Fantasizing about his roommate, who’s, for one, a guy. Sure, he’s hotter than asphalt in the summer, but his personality is terrible. On top of that, he’s about as erotic in his everyday life as a limp noodle or a piece of driftwood. Yesterday he wore ripped jeans and a purple argyle sweater, for fuck’s sake.

Well… okay, so maybe he looks pretty good while sleeping, or eating, or exercising, or— Okay, no. That’s a doomed train of thought. But Bakugou is doomed. He’s had multiple, amazingly explicit sexual dreams about his roommate. That’s gotta be the most ‘doomed’ things can get.

“Fuck,” Bakugou says aloud, startling several people in the train around him. He finishes the thought in his head to keep from fortifying his delinquent image: I’m so totally, completely, exquisitely fucked.

And it’s true. Bakugou has been denying it for a while, as he’s so skilled at doing, but it’s true. Todoroki’s sleepy, stumbling walk in the mornings. The way his hair falls in his eyes when he bends over a textbook. How he doesn’t know how achingly gorgeous he is—but he must know, because no fucking way does someone so hot not know they’re male-model material.

Bakugou’s hand nearly fractures when he smashes it against the train railing. So much for not supporting his ’probably in the mafia’ rep. There’s nothing else to take his anger out on, though. If he goes to class, he’ll probably end up breaking a computer over someone’s head. Jesus, if he sees that bastard’s face right now, he’ll probably—

“Bakugou?”

“Christ— Don’t sneak up on people like that.” Bakugou lets out a tense breath before smacking Kaminari on the back of the head. “I thought you were… someone else.”

“Who? Like Todoro— OW!” Kaminari rubs his arm defensively.

“Kirishima told you, didn’t he?” Bakugou demands, lowering his voice when nearby people glare at him. “Tell me what you know or I’ll fucking kill you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Seriously.” Kaminari gives him a confused look. “What’s up with you lately, dude?”

“Nothing.”

It doesn’t sound convincing in the least, and Bakugou has to think about it for a while. Why doesn’t it sound convincing? He’s been running around in his own thoughts ever since that damn dream, and now he’s slamming up against a brick wall. Maybe it’s time to look at things from a different angle.

***

Spending all day sitting on a park bench thinking about his sexuality is the absolute last thing Bakugou ever thought he’d do, but here he is. He’s able to pick out two distinct things from the jigsaw puzzle of his thoughts. 1.) He’s probably in love with Todoroki Shouto. That one’s easy to conclude, what with the dreams and the unintentional staring and all. 2.) He needs to confess said love, before he exposes himself.

Number two is the one he’s getting stuck on. How does one go about confessing their love for their roommate? He could probably turn to TV dramas or manga to find out, or maybe those shitty fanfiction Mina is always reading. Who is he kidding, though? He’s just going to blurt it out, in acquiescence of his typical act-before-you-think behavior.

Bakugou’s been rehearsing the confession in his head with every step taken towards the dorm. So far, the possible outcomes are giving him ghostly pains in his groin, where Todoroki will inevitably kick him. Maybe he should prepare some ice in advance, just to be safe.

Fuck, he’s here already? He was hoping he’d accidentally get lost while deep in thought. No such luck. It’s time to buck up or shut up, as Kirishima would say.

Bakugou raises his fist to knock before realizing that he lives here too, obviously. He must be more nervous than he thought. It takes him four tries to get the door unlocked, his hands are shaking so bad.

Todoroki is sitting at his desk, chin resting in his hand. The sleeve of his sweatshirt is slipping down his arm, revealing a sliver of tantalizing pale wrist. God, his wrists are so fucking small, Bakugou is sure his fingers would touch if he grabbed one. But priorities: he’s on a mission right now. Still, he can’t help but notice the way Todoroki’s hair falls into his face, and the soft curve of his lips as he mutters to himself, and— Fuck.

“I’m in love with you!” spews out of Bakugou’s mouth faster than his subconscious can scream No!

Todoroki jumps, whacking his forehead into his desk lamp. While he’s recovering, Bakugou fights the overwhelming urge to jump out the nearest window. It would be pointless: they’re only on the second floor, so it wouldn’t even kill him. Fuck, he’s such an idiot. With any luck, maybe Todoroki didn’t hear him.

“Did you just… confess to me?” Todoroki looks at him with his wide, stormy eyes, a rosy blush blossoming across his sharp cheekbones, and Bakugou’s heart explodes.

Okay, so the bastard definitely heard him. What‘s his next move? Be direct? Act like it was a joke? Pretend to faint? Fuck, why’d he have to go and open his damn mouth? Why’d he have to fall in love with Todoroki, out of all the people in the world? Todoroki, who’s standing up now, still staring at him, blushing, beautiful, waiting for an answer.

Bakugou’s throat has gone dry. He’s in love with him. He’s in love with him, and it’s about damn time he did something about it. Since when has he been the type of person to get nervous about something like this? He’s Bakugou fucking Katsuki, and he’s in love with his pretty, annoying dipshit of a roommate.

“I’m… in love with you,” Bakugou repeats. It’s not exactly gentle, but it feels gentle, like a softly plucked harp string resonating in the air between them. “I’m in love with you,” he says again, more firmly. “I think I probably have been for a while, and I just thought I’d tell you. So, yeah.”

Todoroki stares at him, his expression unreadable, eyes wide, lips parted, face flushed. He looks like a watercolor painting, all soft lines and bleeding colors. Fuck, he’s just so… ethereal. Bakugou can’t believe he didn’t realize he was in love with him sooner.

“I… don’t really know what to say,” Todoroki murmurs eventually. He swallows, and Bakugou’s eyes trace the tantalizing bob of his throat before flicking back to his face.

“You don’t have to like me back or anything. I just had to tell you before I lost my fucking mind. If you want to beat me up, or ask to switch rooms—“

“No,” Todoroki interrupts quickly, taking another step closer to him. “I mean… No, I don’t want to beat you up. Or switch rooms. I— I just wasn’t expecting this.” He catches his bottom lip between his teeth in a way that nearly gives Bakugou an out-of-body experience. “I can’t tell if I’m in love with you, but I… I do think I like you.”

“You do?” Bakugou croaks. He was forgetting to breathe. “I mean… Really? You’re being serious?”

Todoroki nods, his hair falling into his face when he lowers his head shyly. “I’ve never really… been in love before. I’m not sure how you tell, but I know that I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Oh, God. Is this real? Bakugou’s heart is nearly impaling itself against his rib-cage. He sincerely hopes this isn’t a dream. But if it is, they’d probably be fucking already, so it’s a good sign that Todoroki still has his clothes on.

“Then, should I…” Bakugou swallows thickly. He’s almost afraid to ask. “I mean, can I… kiss you?”

Todoroki’s hesitant nod shatters the world into spiraling shards of multicolored glass. His timid, soft, “Okay,” sends the pieces shooting into the stratosphere.

Bakugou thought he would be impatient when given this opportunity, but his limbs move in slow motion. His hands slide down Todoroki’s arm to his slim wrist, fingertips pressing against his hammering pulse.

He’s never kissed anyone before, but it doesn’t look that complicated. He’s seen enough movies to know how to start. He slips his hand around Todoroki’s neck. His pulse is hammering against his throat, too, and when Bakugou pulls him closer, he can almost feel it against his lips.

The kiss is slow at first, barely a touch. God, Todoroki’s mouth is soft. Are lips allowed to be this soft?

Todoroki makes a soft sound in the back of his throat, and Bakugou feels it vibrating in every single one of his pores. He pushes further, slipping his tongue across Todoroki’s upper lip, catching the bottom between his teeth. He makes that desperate sound again, fingers tangling in Bakugou’s T-shirt.

Kissing never looked all that appealing when he sneered at it on the train or at the park, and Bakugou can’t believe he thought that up until now. There’s fireworks exploding in his synapses, spreading warmth to every part of him all at once. When he slips his tongue in Todoroki’s mouth, the warmth turns to a raging fire boiling beneath his skin.

He forgot about his hands, but now he uses them to pull Todoroki even closer, closer. He’s breathing into Bakugou’s mouth, or maybe stealing air from him, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheek like moth wings. His own tongue slides across Bakugou’s, tentatively, but with a purpose.

Fuck. Fuck. He’s losing his mind. How do you breathe, again? The last thing he wants to do is stop kissing Todoroki, but he needs to take in air or he’ll pass out.

They part, and Bakugou covers his lips, which still taste of Todoroki. His other hand is still on Todoroki’s waist, displacing his shirt to show a sliver of pale skin. “Does…” He lets out a weak exhale, forcing his brain to work again. “Does that help answer your question?”

With Todoroki’s speechless, idiotic nod, Bakugou’s heart is displaced again. Pieces of it go floating through his bloodstream, settling in the places Todoroki is touching him. One hand sliding up his arm, under his sleeve, the other tangled in the hair at the nape of his neck.

Fuck, this is so much better than a dream.

#hi i #cannot stop falling in love with these request aus #um #stop guys #lmao #answered asks #trope prompts #calla.txt #todobaku #my writing

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seeaddywrite · 5 years

Note

Prompt: malex phone calls bc sometimes its easier to say the things you need/want to say when its over the phone

I did this in a 3 + 1 format; three times that Malex can’t say what they need to express without a phone line between them, and one time they can. there’s a happy ending, i swear!

I. The first time Michael hears from Alex after he enlists, he nearly ignores the call. It’s been over a year since the incident in the shed; his hand is healed, and his heart has developed enough callous that he can pretend it has, too. Answering that call isn’t going to feed into that fantasy, because as soon as he hears Alex’s voice, Michael knows every defense he’s put up to contain that heartache is going to crumble. The smart thing to do would be to hit ‘ignore,’ and block the number – but while Michael may have a genius IQ, he’s never been known for doing the smart thing. The desire to hear Alex’s voice, to know he’s safe, overpowers every shred of common sense Michael possesses, and after the fourth ring, right before the call would be diverted to voicemail, he answers.

“And here I thought you lost my number,” Michael drawls, refusing to let on that he’s as off-balance as he feels. It’s a tactic he’s adopted more and more, lately, as the entire town starts to move on from Rosa Ortecho’s death while he’s left mired in the guilt and consequences of it. “To what do I owe the pleasure, private?” Alex isn’t the in the Army and Michael knows it, but since he’s done nothing but breathe into the receiver since the call began, Michael’s in the mood to wind him up, to get on the offensive and stay there so that he doesn’t end up letting himself get his hopes up. Again. It’s too damn easy for Alex Manes to get in his head if Michael’s not on guard against it.

The connection crackles, and Michael stands up from his bed in the newly-purchased second-hand trailer to move toward the door, where there’s usually better reception. “You planning on saying something, or should I just hang up now?” he demands, and his ears pick up the slightest hitch in breathing, a tell-tale sign that Alex is listening, and reacting, no matter what his silence might imply. But no matter how much of an asshole Michael is, he doubts it could cause the rapid breathing that sounds a hell of a lot like someone trying not to freak the fuck out.

Abruptly, Michael feels his demeanor thaw, and he sighs. “What’s going on, Alex?” he asks, his voice carefully even. “You okay?”

There’s another pause, and Michael begins to wonder if Manes had seriously called him to just sit on the line until Michael got frustrated enough to hang up. But then, finally, for the first time in over a year, Michael hears Alex speak.

“I just had a really shit day,” he says, and his voice is rough enough that Michael can tell he’s being vague more because he can’t talk about it than because he doesn’t want to. “And I got back to my bunk, and I saw your number on my phone, and I just –”

Michael blows a short, hard breath through his nose, a bitter half-smile contorting his expression. It’s a relief that Alex can’t see him, because God knows how he’d take that, but alone in his trailer, Michael doesn’t have to check himself. “And you just what, Alex? Why’d you call me? It’s been more than a year. And when you left, you made it pretty damn clear that you didn’t want to hear from me.” Guilt, Michael’s constant companion, rears its ugly head. Alex is obviously upset about something to have even made this call in the first place, and MIchael’s rehashing ancient history. But he has to know what this call is and why it’s happening. He has to moderate his expectations; otherwise, he’s going to end up thinking it’s something it’s not – and Michael’s all out of optimism.

A throat clears on the other end of the line, and Michael tries to picture Alex as he would look now, without the eyeliner and piercings, in ABUs with a buzzcut, but he can’t quite manage it. To him, Alex is always going to be the wannabe rebel who gave him a place in out of the cold – the one person who’d known about the chaos in his head and been able to calm it.

“I called because – because I watched someone die today, Guerin.” This time, it’s Michael’s breath that catches in his throat. He’s aware, obviously, that Alex is in an active fucking warzone, and that he could get hurt at anytime, but the stark reminder that Alex could end up like whatever poor, unlucky soul they’d lost today was enough to jolt him out of the harsh attitude. “And afterward, all I could think about was how much I wished you were here,” Alex continues, his voice a raw whisper. “Because you’re the only person who’s ever made me feel safe, and I could really, really use that right now. And I know I’m the last person that you want to hear from, but I –”

“You know better than that, Alex.” Michael cuts him off mid-sentence, unable to take anymore of the tremor in the other man’s voice. There’s a lot Michael would do to protect himself, to protect his family, but standing by while Alex is in pain and there’s something he can do about it is a physical impossibility. He can’t even summon anger, at the moment. “And if you don’t, you’re nowhere near as smart as I give you credit for.”

He’s about to say something he knows he’ll regret later. In person, he’d never manage to get the words out, but in the isolation of the Airstream, with no eyes on him, Michael can’t stop the words from spilling out. “I always want to talk to you. Every damn morning when I wake up, that’s the first thing I think about. Every time something good happens to me, I want to tell you about it. And every fucking night when I’m lying in bed, I wonder what it’d be like if you were laying next to me.” By the time he’s done, his voice is as hoarse as Alex’s, and he knows there’s no hiding it. As always, talking to Alex has left him flayed open and vulnerable, the layer of callous he’d built painstakingly around his heart worn away to nothing.

“So, yeah. You need me? You call me. I’ll always answer.”

Again, silence reigns on the phone line, and MIchael’s eyes slide closed against the insecurities that bubble up as soon as he realizes that Alex isn’t planning on saying anything. He rests his forehead against the humid metal of the door, staring down at the dirty tile of the entryway, and is about to end the call – and his own misery – when Alex says, so softly he can barely hear it: “That was exactly what I needed to hear.”

II. Michael doesn’t get a phone call when Alex is injured in the line of duty. He’s not family – he’s nothing, apparently, and doesn’t even rate a text. So he hears it about it from Maria in the middle of the Wild Pony a couple of weeks later, just dropped into casual conversation that Alex Manes is coming home since loss of limb disqualifies him from serving on the front lines. That night, after he’s drunk enough that he can’t think about it anymore, he punches Kyle Valenti in the parking lot. The adrenaline rush helps keep thoughts of Alex away, but the night in lock-up passes slowly, and insomnia keeps him awake, worrying and wondering about Alex, and imagining what it’ll be like to see him again. There’s no way they can avoid each other forever in a town this small, even if part of Michael would like to try, and he knows that the urge to be in Alex’s presence would overpower any self-protective instinct, anyway.

Alex shows up at the ranch where Michael lives and works a few days later, every inch his father’s son, and the bitterness exudes from Michael in waves the entire time they speak. He’s losing a job and a home, technically, but he cares more about the way Alex barely meets his gaze, and when he does, his expression is cool and professional. There’s nothing in this GI Joe of the boy Michael remembers, and he resents the new Alex for so thoroughly destroying the person he loved.

t’s stupid, and probably unfair to feel that way. For the last eight years, Alex had held him to his word that he could call if he needed Michael. They’ve talked at least once or twice a year, usually when something god-awful happened and Alex needed the reminder that the world was still turning, that he was still alive. Michael wondered, sometimes, if it wouldn’t have been better for Alex to find someone else to give him that – this dynamic they created couldn’t be healthy, and spending every day hoping for a call that rarely came was slowly driving Michael out of his mind. But the point is that they’ve talked. Michael knew, all along, that military service was changing Alex – in the later calls, some of the things he said, all ruthless and aggressive, weren’t words that would have ever been in teenaged Alex’s vocabulary. So this version of the man, aloof and battle-hardened, every inch the Manes man Jesse always wanted, shouldn’t have come as a surprise. But it still did, and fuck, it hurt.

Michael gets rid of Alex after that encounter, but he keeps showing up at his door, pinning notices and flirting until he catches himself, but it isn’t until the shitty high school reunion that Michael didn’t even want to go to that he finally sees his Alex beneath the uniform. It’s also the first real glimpse he gets of the prosthetic, shiny and artificial, beneath his pant leg. That’s nothing, of course – Alex could be stuck in a suit a la Darth Vader and he’d still be the sexiest man alive in Michael’s eyes. But it’s just another reminder of everything that’s changed, and everything Michael no longer has.

The kiss that night, the sex the following one – all of it is so good, so reminiscent of their time together in high school that Michael forgets, almost, how hard it is to watch Alex walk away. He’s good at putting on rose-colored glasses when it comes to the past, but this time, he’s definitely done too well. This time, when Alex walks away, calling him a criminal and rejecting him thoroughly in the meantime, Michael feels something integral in his chest shut down. There’s no getting back up after someone shoves him that hard, and he’s not sure he even wants to. He goes through the rest of the day on autopilot; he fights with Max and schemes with Isobel to protect their secrets, but internally, he’s a living, breathing open wound.

When he finally gets an evening to himself, Michael drinks so much acetone-laced whiskey that he barely remembers leaving the voicemail the next day, let alone what it says. He’d never say any of it to Alex’s face; the guilt alone would kill him. But when Alex checks his inbox next, the words are there, heart-rending and painful, even as it’s slurred and difficult to understand:

“Hi.” There’s a loud thudding noise, and someone yells for Michael to ‘get the fuck out of the way’ in the middle of the recording. “I don’t know what I’m fucking doing, you know? I haven’t known what I’m doing for ten years. I’m just here. In Roswell, and you were halfway across the frickin’ world and I still couldn’t escape you. And then those phone calls –” Michael laughs bitterly, the alcohol granting the sound a borderline hysterical tinge. “I actually thought they meant something, you know? All that stuff about me making you feel safe. About you needing me. Makes you wonder if whoever gave me that IQ test actually knew what the hell they were doing, right?” Another one of those sour laughs distorts the recording. “I got what, two days, maybe, of spending time with you, and that shouldn’t have been enough to fuck me up when you gave up, but God, Manes, I don’t – nothing about how I feel about you makes sense. I want you so bad it hurts. I was literally laying in bed last night, staring at the ceiling, trying to remember how it felt to have you there. So yeah, I want you and I miss you, but fuck, Alex, sometimes – right now – I wish I’d never met you.”

III. After he leaves Michael’s alien-tech bunker, Alex doesn’t know whether he wants to get a stiff drink, to go to bed, or to throw a temper tantrum. He ends up at the Wild Pony and ends up doing two out of three when he sits down to talk to Maria. He realizes, looking back, that talking to her right after he found out that she’d slept with Michael, when the hurt was still fresh, was a stupid idea. He hadn’t been cruel, exactly, but he hadn’t handled it very well, either, and he knows he hurt her. He’s been doing that a lot lately – hurting people he loves. Michael’s at the top of the list, obviously, but now Maria is just below, and he doesn’t know how to fix it with either of them.

Post-deployment, Alex knows he’s a mess. He’s always been some level of fucked up; a father who’s leisure activities included breaking one’s bones would do that to a kid. But at least as a child, he’d had other people to turn to. There’d been Jim Valenti, and Mimi DeLuca, and Liz and Maria, who’d become more like family as they got older. He’d had a support system, and people to talk to when he needed to work through the things that happened to him at home.

In the desert, though, there’s an ‘every man for himself’ mentality that’s impossible to shake now that he’s home. His unit would’ve died for him, and he for them, but they didn’t talk about harsh realities or fears. That was inviting bad luck, and the had enough as it was. And then, when he was sent back state-side, physical therapy was far more important than the ‘sit in a chair and cry’ kind. He did the required sessions, but when that was done, Alex was left to cope on his own.

Michael’s born the worst of his behavior changes, he knows, just like he knows that the way he keeps walking back into the man’s life for a few days only to leave again is wrong. But how can he commit to anything permanent with Michael when he can’t even keep his own head on straight? He needs to relearn what it is to be a person without a uniform, and he needs time to do that – but he’s always thought, when he manages to do it, Michael would be there. Waiting. But Michael’s sleeping with other people and building a fucking spaceship to leave the planet, and Alex is running out of time.

Kyle’s call comes just in time to stop Alex from getting shift-faced in the middle of the afternoon, and he supposes he should be grateful. The code-breaking distraction is nice, but it leaves him with a head full of information he doesn’t know what to do with when he’s back at home in the sparsely-furnished cabin. Alone. The place hasn’t really felt lonely before, but Alex supposes he’s never known Michael hates the world enough to want to leave it permanently, either. That’s bound to make a difference.

When he’s settled in bed, prosthetic propped against the wall near his crutches, Alex scrolls listlessly through his Facebook feed, knowing he’s not getting any real rest that night. He’d like to say it’s purely accidental when his finger lands on Michael’s number – but the truth is that he’s been the number one speed dial in Alex’s phone for ten years, and the cabin is too quiet, and all Alex wants in that moment is to hear Michael’s voice and get some reassurance that he won’t disappear overnight. And why is it so much fucking easier to say things like that on the phone?

“If you’ve uncovered another government conspiracy, I don’t want to know about it,” is how Michael answers the phone. There’s no noise in the background, suggesting he’s as alone as Alex. That knowledge shouldn’t make him feel as good as it does, Alex knows, but he can’t help it. “Seriously, man, just keep it to yourself, because I’ve had about all the excitement I can take.”

Alex snorts, and shakes his head before remembering Michael can’t see him. “Just the one,” he promises. “That’s not why I’m calling, though.” He leans back against the pillow behind him, rubbing absent-mindedly at the indents left by the compression sock around his residual limb.

There’s a beat of silence, then: “If this is some sort of phone sex proposition, I’m going to have to remind you that today you said you wanted to be friends.” The drawl is full of insinuation, and Alex is infused with the knowledge that if he said that he did want to have phone sex, or the up-close-and-personal kind, Michael wouldn’t say no. Even after everything, Guerin’s still willing to drop everything for him. The realization is both humbling and terrifying.

“I lied,” Alex admits, swallowing heavily.

“I know.”

The response is simple and direct, but Alex wishes Michael would elaborate. He knows? How exactly is Alex supposed to take that? Before he can work himself up into proper frustration, though, Michael finishes, “I don’t think we can ever just be friends, Manes. And the way you took off like a bat outta hell when I showed you the console just proves it.”

Alex’s brow furrows. “What do you mean?” He thinks he knows the answer, or can at least take a pretty good guess, but he’s not sure he wants to say the words aloud and be told otherwise, so he holds his silence.

“All this time, you’ve been the one walking away,” Michael says, the words succinct and devoid of accusation – he just sounds exhausted, which is worse than any sharp-edged words Alex can imagine. “You were in control. Now, when I might be the one who does the leaving, you don’t like it.”

Abruptly, hurt swamps Alex, shoving out every other feeling, and his head spins with the redirection. “You think this is about control?” he demands, each word as quick and sharp as the pinch of a needle. “You think I was upset because I didn’t get to hurt you first this time? Fuck, Guerin, why would you even bother to pick up the phone if that’s what you think of me?”

“I told you a long time ago that I’d always be here if you needed me,” Michael answers, and finally, instead of that world-weary tone, Alex hears resentment creeping back. It’s probably fucked up that he prefers that, but he doesn’t care. An angry Michael is one who hasn’t given up yet, and that’s what Alex needs from him. “And I’d hate myself if I broke a promise to you.”

Alex doesn’t know what to say to that, doesn’t know where to even begin, so he just blurts, “It’s not about control,” like Michael hadn’t spoken at all. It’s the coward’s way out, but Alex has always lost his courage when it comes to Michael. “I know I’m the reason we’re not together, Guerin. I know I keep pushing you away and hurting you, but the idea of living on a planet where you don’t exist anymore is the single most terrifying thing that I can imagine.”

He pulls in a shaky breath, holds it for a moment, and lets it out. It’s one of the few useful things his VA-appointed therapist had taught him, and it centers him enough to let him realize that this is the worst possible way to tell Michael anything important, when he can’t even see his face or kiss him, but Alex can’t stop now. “I’ve been in love with you since I was seventeen, and I’ve always had this picture in my head of what my life would look like, you know? I’d be old and grey and sitting a rocking chair on a front porch somewhere far away from Roswell, somewhere where there’s actual green grass. And when I pictured it, usually on really shit days when my dad had just knocked me down the stairs, or when I was sweating my balls off in the middle of Afghanistan, you were always right there next to me on that porch– still trying to flirt even with bad eyesight and a bum hip.”

He chuckles, the sound sadder than it should be, and cuts off anything Michael might have said. “And I just wanted you to know that, before I tell you that the last piece of that console is in your truck bed. I left it there, this morning.” Alex struggles to keep talking; it’s hard to push sound through the lump in his throat, but he manages. He always manages. “Jim Valenti left it for me, and I’m – I’m giving it to you. So you can find your home. Because I want you to be happy, Michael. There’s no one who deserves it more than you. So – I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Alex doesn’t want to hear him say goodbye, or to stumble through what would be the final, official end of this thing that’s burgeoned between them for a decade. His heart can’t take that.

He ends the call.

IV. Less than a month later, Michael hasn’t gone anywhere.

Alex has seen him, worked with him, and even flirted with him, but they’ve avoided talking about anything personal. There’s too much raw emotion compressed between them; if given the smallest flame, it would explode and devour them both. There’s no time, anyway – Isobel’s husband is an alien serial killer, Jesse Manes is masterminding a government conspiracy that has to be stopped, and Michael’s entirely too distracted by the realization that his home planet may not be somewhere he actually wants to go. (The latter is hopeful thinking on Alex’s part, since they aren’t talking about anything personal, but after hearing what Noah said about a war-torn world, it’s a distinct possibility.)

Now that things have settled down more, Alex finds himself alone a lot. It’s no more than he was lone before being dragged into the madness that was aliens and government conspiracies, but the constant company and forced camaraderie that developed among the group of them working to keep Michael and his siblings safe had been almost nice – and the absence of it is obvious, now, while he sits alone in his living room, staring mindlessly at the television.

His enlistment with the Air Force ended that morning.

Alex still hasn’t wrapped his mind around that fact; the thing that is simultaneously the best and worst thing that ever happened to him is gone, now, and he’s free. There are choices to make, pros and cons to consider, and all he’s managed to do that day is sit around and feel sorry for himself in the dim lighting of his living room. And drink. Can’t forget that last part.

What is he going to do, now? Aside from continuing to work on taking Jesse Manes down, Alex has no plans. He can live for a while on his retirement stipend, but eventually, he’s going to need to get a job – go back to school, maybe? Get a degree in IT? It would be the expected thing, considering his background, but Alex can’t help but think a job behind a desk sounds like the most boring fate imaginable. He lost a leg, not his sense of adventure, and he want doesn’t to commit himself to something that he’s going to hate.

So, what then, does he want from his Air Force-less future?

When the answer comes, it’s the same one as always. Alex wants to be happy. He wants to leave Roswell and move somewhere that he can have a real yard, and see all four seasons. He wants to have a dog and a job doing something that interests him, and a big enough kitchen that his friends can come for dinner without an invitation. But all of that is secondary to the most obvious of Alex’s desires: Michael Guerin. He wants that future he spelled out for him in that last, painful phone call, with rocking chairs and wrinkles and inappropriate flirting, and he wants it so much that his chest physically aches with longing when he thinks about it.

Maybe it’s the beer, or maybe Alex has just had enough of waiting and hoping that life will just work out the way he wants it to. He’s been a passive observer in his own life for too long, letting his insecurities and anxiety run the show, and for once, Alex is going to take control for himself.

Before he can talk himself out of it or even second-guess the decision, Alex is behind the wheel of his SUV, headed toward the junkyard where Michael parks his trailer. He has no idea what he’s going to say, or how Michael will react to Alex just showing up like this, but for once, the uncertainty doesn’t scare him. They’ve both managed to be honest before with a phone line between them – it’s time to stop hiding behind his iPhone and admit that he’s in love with Michael Guerin out loud and in person. After that, the ball will be in Michael’s court, and Alex will have at least tried. If it doesn’t work, at least he won’t have to go to his grave wondering what would have happened if he’d been strong enough to do it.

Alex’s heart is racing by the time he pulls up in front of the trailer, and his palms are sweating. He feels like that teenager about to make a move on the boy he likes in the shed again, and it’s astounding, since Alex has been pretty sure that part of him died in Baghdad.

Michael meets him outside the front door, wearing old jeans and a ratty t-shirt that mean he’s been working on engines all day. Oil streaks his hands and clothing, he’s sweating, and obviously in need of a shower. Sane people wouldn’t be attracted to that.

Alex has never wanted to kiss him so badly.

“I thought about calling you,” he begins, a small smile playing around the corners of his lips. “Since we only ever seem to be able to actually talk that way. But – I don’t know. I guess this time, I wanted to be able to see your face.” The space between them closes as Alex steps forward. Michael doesn’t come to meet him, but he doesn’t step back, either, which Alex takes as a good sign.

“The last time I asked you what you wanted to talk about, you got the after-school special version of my childhood,” Michael says dryly, sauntering toward the lawn chairs sitting around the fire pit. “And then you told me Max, Iz, and I were on a government watchlist, and under suspicion of being serial killers. Should I start packing to run, this time?” He’s mostly kidding, Alex thinks, but there’s something in the depths of his eyes that says it would be easier for him to believe that someone else was coming after them than Alex wanting to commit. Alex supposes he deserves that, even if it stings.

He joins Michael at the cold fire pit and sits, taking a moment to adjust the compression sock where it’s slipped and rubs against his skin. As usual, Michael doesn’t bat an eye at the sight of his prosthetic – he still can’t quite believe that the other man just took the loss of Alex’s leg in stride the way he did. Even when they were having sex, Michael didn’t ask any questions, or treat him any differently than he had before the amputation. That alone is enough to solidify Alex’s certainty that he needs to at least try to convince Michael to give him another chance.

“I don’t have any bad news this time, I swear.” Alex looks over at Michael and smiles nervously, taking a moment to catalogue every curl of his hair and lines on his face. If this goes sideways, he wants to remember Michael just like this when he leaves Roswell – relaxed and content, heathy and at least mostly happy, now that he and his family are safe.

Michael gives him a moment before raising an expectant eyebrow. “There’s a shower calling my name, Manes, so if you want my attention you better start talking.” The teasing note in the other man’s voice is the same one that has crept in the last few weeks as they danced painstakingly around the giant pink elephant in the room, and Alex hates it. He hates the distance it puts between them, and everything it represents.

“The last time I called you, I told you that I was in love with you,” he blurts, and immediately wishes he could take it back and dress up the declaration into something better than that bald, blunt truth. “And I wanted to say it again, in person, because last time it got twisted into a goodbye, and I’m so fucking tired of saying goodbye to you, Guerin.”

Stunned incredulity blossoms over Michael’s face, and Alex sits stiffly in the ensuing silence, waiting for him to say something. He understands needing time to process, but Alex feels like he’s sitting on pins and needs as he waits.

“What?” When the response comes, it’s not at all what Alex wants. Michael looks genuinely confused by what he’s said, like he thinks he heard wrong or something ridiculous, and Alex wants to shake him, to say it over and over again until he understands.

“I love you,” Alex repeats baldly, turning frustration to courage with sheer force of will. He pushes himself out of the flimsy lawn chair and skirts the fire pit, moving to Michael’s side and grabbing his hand to tug him up, out of the chair. To his relief, the other man doesn’t fight it, and stands directly in front of Alex, less than six inches of space separating them. They’re close enough that Alex can feel the heat wafting off of Michael’s body, and the scent of a man who’d spent a long day doing physical labor in the sun shouldn’t electrify his skin, but a shiver runs down Alex’s spine anyway. Sex has never been a problem for the two of them, and even now, Alex is pretty sure he’d want Michael in any form he came.

“I’m in love with you,” he modifies, in case there was any doubt, and rushes on before Michael can tell him to stop or leave. “I was sitting at home today trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, now that I’m out of the military, and the only answer I could come up with was that I wanted to be with you. Everything else, I have no fucking clue. Do I go back to school? Do I get a job? How am I going to support myself? I don’t have any idea, but I know that I want to get old with you and make people uncomfortable with how sappy and in love we are in fifty years.” Alex can hear the hopeful longing in his own voice and hopes that Michael can, too, so he knows how serious he is, this time.

Michael opens his mouth to say something, but Alex puts a hand over his mouth, shaking his head. “I know what you’re going to say. I’ve shown up like this before, and I’ve always gotten your hopes up and left, and I’ve hurt you so many times that you have absolutely no reason to trust me, but God, Guerin, I feel like I’ve been on pause for a decade of my life, waiting to finally feel like the person you deserve to be with. But I’m never going to be that person. This is who I am – but every part of me is in love with you, and I’m done running. Try one more time. Take a chance; I swear you won’t regret it. I –”

Anything else Alex might have said is swallowed by Michael’s mouth on his. The movement is so quick Alex can barely track it; suddenly, there is a big, calloused hand at the back of his neck and another at the collar of his flannel, yanking him in. He almost overbalances on his bad leg – and shit, wouldn’t that just ruin the moment? – but Michael’s chest is there, warm and firm and supportive. And then, just like that, they’re kissing.

Just like every other kiss they’ve shared since they were seventeen, this one is so intense that Alex goes from anxious to turned on in less than a moment. Every brush of Michael’s skin against his feels like static electricity, and he can feel himself flush under the attention. It’s soft, tentative and sweet for a fleeting moment as they get used to each other again, but it turns hard and bruising quickly, as both men lose their patience to pleasure. Alex would have been fine to end the conversation there. This is what he wanted – to touch Michael and be touched in return, to kiss him and hold him whenever he wanted, to know that when he needed him, Michael would be there, and vice versa. They’d been dancing around this for so long that now, standing on the cusp of it, Alex felt like he was diving off of a cliff … and he’d never been happier to be so fucking terrified.

“You talk too much,” Michael rasps, when their screaming lungs force them to come up for air. Their foreheads are leaned together, sweaty and flushed, but Alex only cares that they’re still fused together. Half of him is afraid that if Michael lets go of him, the magic of the moment will wear off and Alex will find himself back at home, alone again.

Alex tries to glare at him, but he’s fairly certain the expression is far too sappy to be considered angry. “Excuse me?”

“You talk too much,” Michael repeats, unrepentant. “If you’d let me get a word in edgewise, we could’ve been kissing like ten minutes earlier, and we could be in bed already.” He nuzzles a kiss alongside Alex’s jaw, just the barest hint of lips against the sensitive skin, and Alex shudders. In return, he slips the fingers of one hand up into Michael’s curls, carding at the matted hair gently in the manner he knows will make the other man melt. To his delight, Michael pushes his head into the contact, urging him to continue.

“Everything I said was important,” he tells Michael, trying to muster up some indignance – and giving in quickly. He’s too euphoric to feel anything but happiness, and he doesn’t wan to even try. “You have to know that I’m –

Michael huffs, and shakes his head, interrupting Alex’s explanation. “You still don’t get it,” he says, and there’s a fond exasperation in his eyes that makes Alex feel warm all over. “I told you a long time ago that I’d always be here when you needed me, Alex. That wasn’t bullshit. I’ve never given up on you. Even when I wanted to. So it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve walked away, as long as you’re walking back.” He drops a kiss to the corner of Alex’s mouth, then wraps his arms around his waist and hugs him so tightly that Alex gasps a little at the impact. He clutches back just as tight, feeling a little light-headed. This is real. This is happening.

“So, that means –”

“It means we’re gonna have to figure out where we buy matching old man rocking chairs,” Michael drawls, the fingers of his good hand soft as they slip beneath the hem of Alex’s shirt and rest against his bare back. “Because you’re stuck with me for at least the next hundred years.” He kisses him again, then, and Alex tastes the words he didn’t say on his tongue.

I love you.

#malex fic #my fic #michael guerin/alex manes #roswellnm #angst #prompts

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hopestolen · 5 years

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my long ass d3 theories that’s really the entire plot of the movie probably for uma & audrey

LMAO ok so i honestly feel rly good abt this??? with the teaser i feel like i have enough info now to make a detailed analysis w links n everything!!! pls read it jdfklajgkkldjag i worked hard

so first off/disclaimer thing, uma is going to be a KEY PLAYER in this movie. & i don’t mean like “shes the villain! she kidnapped ben!”, but as in the entire outcome will come down to her decision and very uma centric (not overshadowing mal ofc, bc disney loves her). also an important side note im still a firm believer hades is NOT mals dad, as its too! obvious! and the blue in her hair looks more like uma teal, than hades blue. i think there’s going to be a v healthy mix of isle and auradon locations.

ok so! the ending of escape from the isle of the lost coming in june is going to (subtly) set up uma starting to forgive mal. we already saw her regret her actions at the end of d2 so i don’t feel like this is a stretch. (AND apparently they’re retconning the end of d2 - though im not surprised lol, whats new. so umas on the isle? great) the summary is on amazon! the retcon fml:

“Trapped on the other side of the barrier, Uma is more desperate than ever to get her long-awaited revenge against Mal. When she discovers an underground lair belonging to Hades, god of the underworld, Uma realizes she's found the perfect partner in crime. Together, they can defeat Mal, bring down the barrier, and escape the Isle for good.”

in EFTIOL, uma fails in whatever deal she made with hades for passage off the isle/revenge for mal, etc. & owes him a debt.

the movie will either gloss over this and just have hades be like “YOu OwE ME” and not go into detail so u dont have to read the book, OR say something in d2 was with his help bc no foresight i guess.

so, due to this debt, she’s a “double agent” and infiltrates the core four (with gil & harry bc...duh) under the guise that she’s changed & that she forgives mal/etc. mal being lets her help, but obviously keeps an eye on her bc she’s not stupid. (really hoping that’s what this pic is, but its probably just behind the scenes) she does this because mal has the eye of the fates which can show you the future - which hades wants so he can effectively take over auradon or get off the isle/etc.

here’s where audrey comes in...she’s just the distraction for the core four so uma can get the eye - essentially she’s spelled. the crown at the very beginning of the trailer, is what audrey is wearing which probably has importance to mal’s (pretty much confirmed) coronation. which she probably ends up making more of a mess than hades/uma since disney is so hush hush abt it....rip them it got leaked anyway

my two theories are either: after spelled to be evil, audrey breaks into the museum and steals it due to being connected to mal’s coronation (since it’s going to bring out her worst insecurities lol), or uma spelled the crown to make the wearer evil, knowing audrey would put it on for some vague reason idk yet.

audrey probably spells ben to b a beast bc...evil audrey is bitter?

before uma is abt to not surprisingly double cross mal bc of her debt, she finds out facilier is her father, celia is her half sis, she has a new kind of magic which they use to break umas debt/save auradon blah blah blah. (this closes the freddie/wicked world plot hole AND would be the “plot twist” bc they’ve been hyping up MALS father.)

honestly, watch mal’s blue hair be from uma hitting mal w some magic or smth before she changes sides. (not sure why it would turn blue bc hades is her dad like ppl r saying?)

audrey is still spelled so now they have to defeat her before moving on to hades - the knight armor & sword fighting.

confirmation uma/harry/gil go to auradon which means they chose good (also hades is there im????? guess hes good now too tf)

other tidbits that dont fit anywhere else:

this could be why celia has the key to hades’ tunnels...uma is hades’ partner & celia would be her half sister....though the timeline doesn’t EXACTLY work. maybe she finds out earlier and has a different defining moment making her turn to mal’s side. (maybe even spilling the beans abt this debt, because of a genuine change of heart). idk idk there’s a lot to explore here

uma is able to get off the isle in the first place because mal/evie/jay/carlos are coming to find new recruits to go to auradon, i think that part is confirmed? her ma is ursula, she can talk anyone into anything im sure

still not sure why evils auds headed to her ma’s childhood house tho

i guess it could be connected to jane’s birthday but i figured that was at the v beginning so idk!!

audrey is able to get maleficents scepter bc it was left in auradon after maleficent turned into a lizard which means.......more possible museum theft

BUT ITS CONFIRMATION UMA HARRY N GIL GET TO GO TO AURADON N BE KIDS!!

also a lotta kids have colored hair so lots of vks r comin man im excite

we might even pick up where under the sea left off since one of the trailers had a d2 mal-esque wig --- dizzys “u have a big day tomorrow” might mean coronation? janes bday?

they will prob retcon rise of the isle (AGAIN, WHATS NEW) since dove said they’re going to explore uma/mal’s rivalry, which means its either going to be something petty like “YOU STOLE MY FAVORITE HAIR TIE” or teenage drama over harry bc we love our petty girls trope!!

where’s my huma

#idk it makes a lotta sense 2 me w all the info we have so far #pls discuss this w me #if there are inconsistancies/etc #me: links my own insta post #mals engagement/coronation will be mals story arc so they have their daily fix of mal lol #❝ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴇᴠɪʟ ☆ ooc .

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fairycosmos · 5 years

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hey so im 17 and i have a lot of acne on my face and stuff and like. a lot of it is bc im very anxious so i end up picking at my face and sometimes i don’t have enough energy to shower/wash my face as much as i should and i Know celebrities aren’t a fair metric but like.......i realized that im really one of the only girls in my grade that still has bad acne?? and i just feel. ugly?? my face is always cover it acne and red spots?? like i don’t think other people w acne are ugly but. hhhhh.

hey man me too!! i have pretty bad acne on my face/sometimes on my shoulders and i completely understand how much it can impact your self esteem. the main cause of it is probably your hormones since you’re 17 and they’re still out of wack, you know? it’s really a very common, every day thing. it’s probably going to calm down as you get older. while it may seem like the other girls in your year have it all figured out, they’re dealing with puberty and adolescence in the same way that you are. you only see a very surface level impressions of their lives, so comparison is pointless. but look, if you’re noticing small details in your routine that you know you need to improve upon, then using that self awareness and actually acting on it is the next step. obviously acne is literally nothing to be ashamed of at all, and it’s as normal as body hair and moles and other natural human occurrences. but if it’s having a massively negative effect on your mental well being, then that’s the only reason you should want to work on it - as a form of self care. do a little bit of research about the type of skin that you have. once you know, see if you can try out a cleansing solution that works for your skin. dont use harsh or heavily scented products. you have may have to try out a few different things to find a good one. see if you can get into some sort of routine. it literally can begin with doing it once a week, and sometimes you may not even manage that, and that’s alright. as long as you’re trying, you’re doing well enough. if that feels like too much, maybe you could try facial cleansing wipes instead, they’re significantly more convenient. and idk what the healthcare situation is like where you live, but asking your doctor to refer you to a dermatologist is also an option you could consider with your parents, if that’s at all possible. i’m thinking of doing it myself. seeing a specialized consultant and taking personalized advice can do wonders, you know? the only other manageable thing is your diet. try your best to make healthy choices and make the conscious choice to drink more water.

it’s very cool that you can recognize that acne doesn’t make others ugly. you can use that to understand on a more realistic level that it doesn’t detract from your looks, either. if you’re prone to low self confidence, then your mind will amplify the problem and make it into a bigger deal than it actually is. while i think it’s completely pointless to worry about beauty when it’s such a subjective and fleeting thing, when it doesn’t have anything to do with who you are, i completely understand why you feel the way you do. because i’m in the same boat. and i hate myself for hating the way i look, but i still do. and it’s because we’ve both been conditioned into believing in a completely unobtainable ideal, right? that’s just the truth. so if we can accept that fact, then we can realize that there is always going to be something we’re unhappy with when it comes to our bodies. because that’s what we’re taught, so they can make money off of our self hatred. you could have perfect skin and you’d still have insecurities. you can try all of the things i listed above, and still have acne. so my point is, a stable sense of self love/self appreciation has to transcend your body and the way it looks. this is deeper than your skin. to find true comfort you have to actively work on being okay with who you are every day. use self affirmations, notice all of your good traits and the fact that they haven’t disappeared just cause you have spots. try not to commodify yourself and your body. you’re not for consumption, you don’t owe the world a level of perfection that isn’t even real. you know there’s no wrong way to exist. so, try to practice complete self acceptance in the quiet moments you spend alone. even if you feel stupid doing it at first. you can have acne and still look in the mirror and be happy with what you see. next time you stare at your reflection, try to find three positive things about it. force yourself to. fight the urge to fixate on something that is out of your hands. as a side note, it’s also always good to remember that we focus on our own flaws 1000x more than anyone else does. it’s definitely more noticeable to you than it is to others. they’re too busy worried about themselves, and how they look, just like you are.

i think it’s also worth noting that the two things you’re worried about - not having the motivation to wash your face, and picking at your skin - are symptoms of more serious, complex issues that you need to get help with before you worry about anything else. of course, idk the details of what’s going on and i’m not trying to assume anything. but when you’re dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil/mental stress, and you’re keeping it all bottled up inside, it’s very common for it to manifest in physical habits/ticks. you need to confront the root causes of your anxiety/your mental exhaustion, because the rest is just a symptom of that. get to the heart of the problem, instead of trying to deal with the consequences of it first. if you haven’t done so already, i’d really recommend talking to your doctor or maybe a school counselor or your parents about what’s happening. i know it sounds like the worst idea in the world, and i know it feels a lot more complex than that, but you genuinely don’t have to deal with this all by yourself. your brain wants you to believe that you need to stay quiet so you’re easier to control, but in reality, that’s not the case. there is support available. there is a way to make this all feel lighter, and to cope in a healthier way. and yeah, it’s a bit embarrassing to talk about what’s going on in your head. you dont even have to want to do it. you just have to try to accept it as a viable option. please don’t let your head talk you out of considering it, okay? you can’t control the circumstances you find yourself in but you honestly can control how you cope with them. anyway i’m sorry this is so long and i really hope you’re able to find some confidence and peace of mind soon. you deserve it. let me know if you need a friend or someone to talk to, i’ll be here.

#i used 2 care so much about my acne and i still do but it's like. there's only so much you can do so. now What #i'm sorry this is a whole novel by the way you can just read it in fragments if u want !#anon

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stvrwar · 6 years

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Please tell us more abt the Dead Moms Club! I deadass have the original post about them bookmarked so I can check in. How did they all meet?

Straight up just murder me Bc !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this makes me happy.

Aight. So.

Jude and Rory meet each other in a self-defense class freshman year.

-- Which, it's more than a little funny to imagine Jude in a self-defense class because she's very closed in on herself, so to speak. She isn't a physical person, not like Gomez. But she saw a flyer and thought it was a good idea. A great idea. A way of reclaiming a part of her personhood she still felt she'd lost. But straight up, she owns nothing in the way of like, exercise clothing so she shows up in a long ass skirt and refuses to be shamed for that.

-- Rory is mostly there because he's an asshole but is also there because he's a criminal justice major and helping with the self-defense class would give him extra credit and let's be real, he slacks. So he sort of definitely needs that extra credit. Plus he's violent and knows how to intimidate so honestly, he's perfect for it.

-- But he gets to the class and there's this very obviously tragic looking figure standing there in a floor length skirt and just like misery loves company, it's able to recognize it too. But he's Rory. And he's a dick who's bad at emotions. So he doesn't say anything to her. Fast forward to practicing the defense moves and Rory gets paired with Jude and he's more than a little awkward about it because clearly she's uncomfortable but more than a little determined.

-- But then he has to grab her from behind, by the shoulder, and she goes stock still and white, blown out eyes. And he lets go. Backs up. No hesitation. Because he's had that look in his eye and he's felt that instinctual tenseness. Because he's physical and is okay with his physicality but sometimes a hit lands too hard and he's back there again, in his dad's shitty Chicago apartment. So he lets go and goes still.

-- He doesn't ask if she's okay because she isn't and she doesn't tell him she's fine because she isn't and instead they stand there in a strange silence in a crowded room, in a sense of knowing with one another that only comes from shared trauma.

-- Someone shouts out him to finish the fucking defense training, one of the instructors. Derek or something. He was a dick from the start and it had taken everything Rory had not to just fucking punch him when he first walked in. But, the weird girl is all but fucking shaking so he just sighs, tugs his hair down and shrugs.

-- "This is fucking stupid. I'm leaving and getting dinner." He doesn't offer it as an invitation, but Jude goes with him anyway. They go together well as a pair. Her raised to be a weapon, him what's left in the aftermath when one is used.

-- And when she first founds out about the support group, she drags him along. Well. As much as someone could drag an angry dog on a leash.

Margot and Gomez meet at a party. Sort of.

-- Margot sees Gomez at a party and it's stupid and it's crowded. Her sorority Delta Zeta's brother frat, Pi Kappa Pi, is throwing a rager so of course she's there. It's like. Her job, to be there. She's the social butterfly and has at least two upperclassman on hand at any time to get her booze for a wildly discounted price somehow. It's honestly a real talent.

-- Margot manages to get the hell out of what has quickly became a dance floor in the basement of the frat house and found her way into the kitchen where there's a very pretty girl doing a lot of shots. And while Margot trusts Pi Kapp, she's still more than a little leery at the idea of doing that many shitty tequila shots off a kitchen counter that looks like it's never seen a can of Lysol. But she's pretty. The girl. Like. Stupidly. Wildly. God, I'm so gay pretty.

-- And Margot had already pregamed a bit, had a few sips of that cotton candy Smirnoff she'd gotten from Abby the Senior. So. She goes over and does a shot with her. And another. And another. And oh Christ another. Things get a bit fuzzy then.

-- Gomez didn't do the Greek life scene. It was stupidly expensive just to have a guaranteed in to a party. But that didn't mean she didn't enjoy crashing their parties. She was a girl and first rule of college was that girls get in without being on the list. Nine times out of ten.

-- Some dudebro in a snapback had offered her a drink and she knew her limits, thank you very much, so she didn't see much harm in drinking free, shifty tequila. She was Mexican, she could handle her tequila, no problem. Okay, maybe a little less able to handle it than she'd expected but whatever. Soon she was in the kitchen with enough salt and lime stuck to her lips that she didn't even have to lick her wrist.

-- It was around that time the girl with the pink hair sidled up next to her at the counter and she was a fucking relief, seeing as the last three people to pull that move had been drunk dudes she had approximately zero interest in. And so she just slid over a shot of tequila with a halfway grin on her face.

-- The next day was very, very bright. She didn’t really get hungover. She just got horrible headaches and a little queasy and felt sticky all over. Not hungover. But she had her fucking figure drawing class and it was going to be bright and yeah. Gomez was not looking forward to that. But after downing an entire pot of black coffee, she managed to crawl from her apartment toward campus and into the Art and Journalism building. She set her easel up in the last space remaining and squinted in preparation and.

-- It was her. Pink Hair Tequila Girl. Only she was naked. The professor introduced her as Margot and she gave a wave, winced, and Gomez was more than a little pleased to know she seemed to be just as miserable.

-- Oh god. Hot Girl From the Party was staring at her with a very blank, exhausted look on her face. What if she like, hated her for letting her get wasted? Well, she didn’t even know her but Margot felt at least a little responsible. And a little embarassed. She’d been modelling for the art department for a year and a half and she’d never been embarassed but suddenly a pretty girl with dark eyes stared at her and she wanted to put her robe back on. For fuck’s sake!

-- After the class, Gomez delayed packing up her easel. Just a little. Loitering. Watching as Margot tugged her robe back on, yawned. “Hey,” she called over to her after a moment of hesitation. “I think I owe you coffee.”

The four meet at one of the support group meetings and become relatively close as a foursome, some distance remains between them obviously, but by the time Eze comes to his first meeting, their a very definite sect of the support group. A group within a group.

Eze attends the group because his grandma says he should, he needs to move on, or at least, move forward.

-- He’s been so wrapped up in the death of his family that he’s all but become stagnant since it happened. He was seventeen at the time. When he finally takes his grandma’s advice (insistence) he’s almost 21. That’s a long time to be so hung up on the past- even if it is such an important part of his past.

-- He’s awkward and yeah, no, he’s mostly awkward. He’s never really voiced any of this to anyone. Any of his theories. His anger at the police. His anger at the situation. His anger at the world for what happened, because he tried so fucking hard not to be seen like that. Like just another angry black boy. He doesn’t want Gram to lose him too.

-- So he’s stayed quiet and he’s stayed angry in the safety of his own mind. But this group, they tell him to introduce himself and they tell him to tell his story and well. Maybe he goes a little overboard. Maybe he comes off too strong, too intense.

-- But before he can be strong, intense, throw himself overboard, he makes a fucking fool of himself. And then the stupid Thor look alike says some shit to him and fuck. Yeah. Okay. He’s hot. That’s embarassing. This is embarassing.

-- Pink Hair says something to Thor, but he’s ears are too buy burning to be any good at hearing much at all. The girl next to Pink Hair, the one with the dark braids, snorts before he remembers how to speak again.

-- The one in the long skirt with the long hair tells him to go on, that she wants to hear, and so he does. And by the time he’s finished, by the time the meeting’s over, those are the four that stay. The four who believed him. Or at least the four who wanted to know more.

#tdmc #ezekiel holt #eze #the dead moms club #kahlo gomez #gomez #jude #jude lahey #rory #rory devlin #margot #margot xu #siriusfreakingblack

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babyshawwn · 7 years

Text

This Isn’t You

MASTERLIST

Request: Can you write about Shawn getting angry/ upset in public (a party or something) bc of someone said something rude to his gf?? And she tries to make him leave but ends up in a fight with the other person???

Word Count: 2,354

This Isn’t You

“You want another beer?” Brian asked me, well, yelled at me. The music was very loud and people were laughing and talking vociferously.

“Yeah, sure” I smiled. I turned around and patted Shawn on the shoulder. He looked at me.

“What about you?” I asked him.

“What?” he mumbled back.

“You want a beer?” I asked, he nodded. Brian then walked off to get them.

“Hey baby-“ I started, reaching out for Shawn’s cheek. He tilted his head, meeting my move. I tip toped to kiss his lips. He already tasted like beer.

“Please try to have fun” I said, in between the kisses.

“I’m sorry, I’ve just been stressed out lately” he whispered back at me.

I smiled warmly at him, nodding. He’d been getting ready for tour and his mind had been somewhere else for the last couple of days.

“I know babe, that’s why we’re at this party. To get your mind on other things, just let it go and have some fun” I said, caressing his chin.

“I will, I promise” he said, placing another kiss on my lips.

Brian came back with more beers for us. Shawn grabbed it quickly, pouring the entire bottle down his throat. I just stared widely at him, laughing. Shawn clapped his hands together, as a smile painted itself on his lips.

“Let’s get this party started” he smiled, grabbing my hips, pulling me out to dance.

I knew, he was ready to have fun now, to let go for just one night.

“I love you baby” Shawn said drunk, as the weight from his body pressed against me. He was a freaking mess. I laughed at him, shaking my head calmly.

“I know, Shawn. I love you too” I wasn’t even half as drunk as him.

I didn’t mind it, though. For the first time in weeks, Shawn was finally acting like the teenager he was, for once finally letting himself have some fun.

And he sure did have fun, he’d danced with me and multiple of your friends, poured down shot after shot, had a heated conversation with Brian on whether Harry Potter or Spiderman was the better move and now, he apparently, wanted all my attention. Drunk Shawn made me giggle.

“You’re so pretty” he said, almost amazed. He pressed his finger against my cheek, smiling widely at me.

“And you’re very, very drunk” I teased him. Shawn shushed me, shaking his head.

“Nope. No-t- not the tinniest bit drunk” he stuttered through his words.

He was the cutest, when he was drunk. I barely got to see it, so I actually enjoyed it.

“I can tell” I mocked again.

Shawn then tilted his head, staring at me. He bit his lip, like he was thinking hard. I giggled at his expression.

“Mine” he said, suddenly. Wrinkling my forehead in confusion, I gazed up at him.

“Yours what?”

“You’re mine” he said, like it was obvious. Before I could answer, he spoke again.

“You’re mine, mine only” he said, this time more determined. I think he was talking more to himself, than he was really talking to me.

“Yours” I whispered, planting a kiss on his lips.

“Always” he said, I nodded.

“Promise me, always” he whined, sending me the biggest, drunk puppy eyes in the world. He was such a dork, but he was my dork and he was cute as fuck.

“Shawn, I promise. You’re never getting rid of me” I said, looking into his eyes.

His mood changed and a smug appeared on his face, like he’d won some sort of price. I just shook my head at his behaviour.

“Maybe we should get you some water, huh?” I asked. Shawn shook his head at me, wrinkling his noise in disgusts.

“I do-don’t want water, I want vodka!” he stumbled over his words, making you struggle to hold back a laughter.

“I think you’ve had enough vodka already, Shawn. First water-“

“Then more vodka?” his eyes widen.

“Sure, then more vodka” I lied.

I sure as hell wasn’t gonna let him drink anymore tonight. As much as I loved seeing him let lose, I wasn’t up for a night of Shawn puking his guts out.

“Just sit, okay. I’ll be back in a minute” I promised, pushing him down in a chair. He grabbed my hand, unwilling to let me go.

“Stay with me”

“I’ll be back in a minute” I said, raising my voice. The music was so loud; I wasn’t sure he could hear me properly.

“I’ll count!” he warned me, pointing at the watch on his wrist.

“You do that” I laughed, as he let go out me.

“One minute” I assured him.

Shawn nodded once, letting me know my minute had begun. I made my way through groups of people either dancing or playing drinking games while heading towards the kitchen. I only realized now, I barely knew anyone at this party beside Shawn, Brian and another friend named Ian. It didn’t matter much; it had been fun anyways.

I looked around for a glass in the kitchen, before filling it up with ice cold water. I started walking back to Shawn, trying not to spill on the floor. He waved excitedly at me, when his eyes caught me again. Again, he is such a dork.

I continued walking, but then someone smashed into me and I dropped the glass on the floor.

“Dude, watch the fuck out” a guy raised his voice at me. I just stared blank at him, annoyed.

“Excuse me, but I think you were the one walking into me” I mumbled irritated.

It wasn’t my attention for him to hear it, but apparently, he did. Before I could move, he’d grabbed harshly around my arm. I wrinkled my nose in pain. I tried pulling back, but the guy wouldn’t let go of me.

“What did you just say?” he asked with clenched teeth. His eyes were stuck on me, making me feel rather uncomfortable.

“Nothing, please let go of me” I said, trying to pull my arm back once again.

“I think you owe me an apology first” he said, tightening his grip.

“Dude, let go of me!” I yelled at him.

“I think she told you to let go!” Shawn yelled at the guy, pushing him off me.

I hadn’t even seen Shawn get up. He was mad, like furious. I bit my lip, worried.

“Back off” the guy yelled back, shoving Shawn away from him.

“Did you just touch me?” Shawn asked, becoming even more mad.

“Shawn, it’s fine” I said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s not fine babe, he fucking grabbed you. This fucking loser grabbed you!” Shawn yelled, struggling to breathe properly.

“Not my fault you’re girlfriend is a clumsy fat cow” the guy said, obviously trying to piss of Shawn even more.

Was this dude trying to start a fucking fight? I watched as Shawn’s face turned red from anger.

“Shawn, stop!” I said, grabbed his hand.

“It’s not worth it” I whispered in his ear.

The guy just laughed mockingly at us, but I did my best to ignore him. Shawn clenched his hands, trying to stay calm.

“Baby, stop. It’s just some stupid, drunk guy. It doesn’t matter” I tried convincing him. It seemed like maybe it was helping.

“Listen to that clumsy girlfriend of yours, apparently, she does have some brain in there somewhere” This guy was serious puffing to the fire here.

“Let’s just walk away, come on. Walk away” I said, pulling his arm after me.

Shawn finally gave in and turned his back towards the guy harassing me. He laughed loudly, saying something to his friends.

“That’s right, walk away you little prick” the guy said, as he pushed me harsh in the back. It made me stumble over my own feet.

“I said don’t fucking touch my girlfriend” Shawn yelled. Before I could even get up on my feet again, Shawn’s fist had hit the guy right in the face.

“Shawn!” I yelled at him, but it was too late.

The damage was done. The guy swung at Shawn and hit him right in the face. Shawn pushed him off, before slapping him back.

“Brian!” I yelled out desperately, because I sure as hell wasn’t able to break up the fight.

They continued hitting each other, but no matter how loud I screamed, they weren’t stopping. Shawn weren’t stopping. I had never seen him like this before and I really didn’t like it. Shawn wasn’t this type of person. He had never been in a fight, never.

Brian came running up to me and got in between the two of them.

“Knock it off guys, stop it!” he said, pushing Shawn away.

Shawn tried coming forward again, but Brian put his hands on Shawn’s chest, holding him back from hitting again.

“Shawn, stop!” he yelled. Brian turned at the other guy, pushing him away as well.

“Fuck off” he yelled at him.

Shawn had hit him pretty well, so he seemed to back off and disappear, leaving Brian, Shawn and me behind. People around us were just staring.

“Calm down, Shawn. Go outside and get some air” Brian told him.

Shawn struggled with his breathing, but seemed to calm himself more down. He turned to look at me, wanting to reach for my hand, but I stepped back so he couldn’t touch me.

“I think you should get some air” I agreed with Brian.

Shawn sighted heavily, turning around, leaving the room.

“You okay?” Brian asked, resting his palm on my shoulder. I nodded, taking a deep breath.

“You need to talk to him, y/n. He’s gonna feel so bad”

“I’m just letting him cool off for a moment” I whispered.

The cold wind blew in my hair as soon as I stepped out of the door. Fast, my eyes caught Shawn sitting on the street, rubbing his – probably very sore – knuckles.

I walked over, before sitting down on the street next to him. Without saying anything, I handed him a bottle of water, though the booze seemed to have worn off a bit already. Silently, he drank it.

He continued rubbing his hands, so I knew they were hurting. I grabbed the left one, slowing massaging it. It made Shawn’s face strain in pain.

“Sorry” I whispered, realizing it was hurting him. Shawn gazed at me, but didn’t meet my stare.

“He left marks on you” Shawn said, almost silently.

I looked down at my arm; Shawn was right. There were bruises. But that still didn’t mean, he should have hit him. Violence solves nothing.

“You shouldn’t have hit him” I whispered, still embracing his hand softly.

“But he hurt you, he disrespected you, I-“

“But you don’t hit people” I said, raising my voice at him. Shawn looked directly in my eyes. He sighted heavily.

“I know…”

“This isn’t who you are, you don’t do this. You don’t start fights”

“I know, I didn’t mean to” he said, he seemed very sincere.

I let my hand touch his face. His eyes were already swollen and I was sure, that would be leaving a purple bruise on his skin. He wrinkled, feeling sore as I touched him.

“Is it bad?”

“I’ll live” he shrugged. I nodded, not knowing what to say.

“Baby I… I just don’t want anyone to treat you like that. I mean, he was a dick to you. I just wanted to help”

“I know, Shawn. But you let your temper get away with you”

“I’m aware of that now, I’m really sorry”

“Look, I love that you want to protect me. I love that you stand up for me, I love that won’t let people treat me that way. I love you for that, trust me, but you ended up in a fight. Something could have happened to you” I said, stroking his swollen cheek. Shawn bit his lip, nodding.

“I know… I’m not this person”

“No, you’re not. What happened tonight? Why did you let the anger take over? You’re usually good at talking it out instead of running around punching people in the face”

“I just… I’ve been so stressed out lately and I just couldn’t control myself. I just… there’s a lot right now and I guess, I lost it” he explained, scratching the back of his neck.

I let my hand rest on his thigh, giving it a squeeze. I rested my head against his cheek, stroking his him with my nose tip. Shawn closed his eyes, as he felt my touches. I found his hand and interlaced our fingers, he whined a bit of pain, but let me do it.

“I don’t want you to feel like this”

“It’ll be over soon. When we finally go touring, things will calm down again” he promised.

“Does that mean you’re planning on getting into fights the next week or?” I mocked him lightly. Shawn laughed at me.

“No, I think I’ve had enough fighting for the next couple of years. I’m done for now”

“Good, because it scared me. You could have gotten seriously hurt”

“I know, I’m sorry baby” Shawn said, I could hear the honesty in his voice.

I reached up to kiss him softly, not wanting to hurt him further. Shawn desperately met my lips and almost sucked all air out of me. I let my forehead rest on his, feeling his breath against my skin.

“Are we good though?” Shawn asked, catching my eyes.

“Yeah, we’re good. But do I have to worry about you?”

“No, I’m fine. Mixing alcohol and stress just isn’t a very good idea, maybe we should stay home tomorrow, watch a movie and avoid drinking?” he clucked.

“Are you going to leave the fighting to the actors then?” I teased.

“You’re a funny little one, aren’t you?” he gave back.

“Trust me, you’ll be hearing about this for years” I gave back. Shawn shook his head, laughing lightly at me.

“I guess, I deserve that” he said, finding my lips once more.

#Shawn Mendes #mendes #shawn #mendes army #shawn mendes au #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes smut #shawn mendes text #shawn mendes one shot #shawn mendes story #shawn mendes stories #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes fluffy #drunk shawn #drunk shawn mendes

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messykarma · 7 years

Text

Prostitute

You make me sick

I don’t hate your friends, I hate you

Attention seeking

Pathetic

Motormouth

Shameful

Everything that comes from you is wrong

Chatterbox

Disappointment

Crocodile tears (i.e. fake tears because I’m not allowed/have no right to be sad)

Bitchy/bitch

Parasite

Devil

Useless (bugger)

Stupid

Idiot

I’m going to kill you. I would rather sit in a jail cell

All you want to do is fuck boys

Did you have sex with [boy’s name]

Why aren’t you happy, you have no right not to be

Stop ‘showing your face’

Attitude problems

Embarrassment

Dumb

Just like your [biological] mother/like mother, like daughter [as in I’m going to get pregnant at 17 and shit like that]

Having you was a mistake (I.e. shouldn’t have adopted me)

Why are you always thinking about boys? [not allowed to make mistakes/forget]

Stop crying, I haven’t even hit you yet

If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about

Wait until we go home, you want to show your attitude in public? Fine

Me: “can I go to a party?” Mum: “why do you want to go. The answer is no. Are you pregnant?!”

Wearing your hair down? Attention seeker, think it’ll attract boys? I’ll cut it off [pair of scissors in hands, holding hair up]

You’re never happy, fine *threat* [showing an emotion other than happiness/not talking all the time]

“all you want to do is party, party party, party girl. All the high achievers aren’t party girls” [only asked to go to 3 parties, was allowed 1 this year]

I can’t wait until you’re out of this house. You were always so eager to get out of here. I’ll be free [you want to live with Aunt? Fine, go]

*general baseless assumptions followed by a threat or insult*

Why is your head always in the clouds. Something is wrong, are you watching porn? Is there a boy in your life? Wait until I find out, you better stop whatever it is

“All you want to do is havoc” (wanting to hang out with my friends - esp bc I’m leaving)

Throws a lot of shit at me. Anything in her hands.

Not good enough

All your spare time should be spent revising, every second.

Me: *cries because of something that hurt my feelings*

Her: *screams more and louder* “crocodile tears” “this is why your father and I are fed up with you, we can’t even talk to you without you shedding crocodile tears”

I’ll ‘piak’ (hit/cane) you

*You’re not welcome to come back home

You have no parents

[Money leech]

Only care about yourself*

- after saying no to lunch with them in favour of my friends that I don’t live with

I wouldn’t care about what you do if you got 100%, but you don’t

Why not 100%? [should be on the same level as the highest student.. same teacher]

*generally disregards all and any feelings or actions etc. that isn’t applicable or never happened to her* [her truths must be the truth]

I will kill you (after taking her knife momentarily to cut some cheese she asked me to grate for her - however she needed to use it for the pastry and it had ripped a little)

I will use this knife (bc of above)

I don’t care if I go to jail (one that came up with use recently but this one she used to say all the time when she would hit me when I was younger - I used to think she was going to kill me and I literally [even now] panic and have trouble breathing)

*the moment she realises I took the knife*: you BITCH Wait until Y12 is over you move out

Why do you always want to see [friend who is a girl], are you lesbian? If you are, get out. Go to [her] house, see if her family even wants you

(I don’t go to the same school as her and we almost never see each other)

All you want to do is lie down and read, go and be a prostitute. What has reading ever helped you with?

At the end of this year you can go find your [biological] mother. I know you treat me this poorly bc I am not your real mother

What has made you hate me and this family so much

No one will want you if you can’t cook/aren’t smart etc [many things that blend into a single feeling that drives a negative feeling already there]

You think because you’re adopted you can do whatever you want? ... I can do whatever I want [to you]

“go to [friend’s name]’s house, get lost. Marry her dad isn’t that what you want? GET OUT”

*constantly accuses me of being pregnant* (funny how I’ve never even touched a boy or had a boy be interested in me at the same time I’ve been interested in them huh) and I never pop out a baby oh well

I’ve been looking for your mother, you can go live with her [if you hate being here so much]

The other day she got mad I went into my room and didn’t help after dinner and yelled at me all the way into the kitchen. Then just before we got there she got so mad she used her dish cloth in her hands and whipped it repeatedly at my face and body. The first one got me in the throat and wrapped around it and I choked and couldn’t breathe for a couple secs. Then she got me in my left eye and repeat hits on my body.

All you do is chat chat chat and play games (as in I should abide by her no contact with friends [but it’s ok if she asks to ask them something and gets angry when I don’t know something about them that she wants to know...]

You know [the article is right] the results are not accurate, your school does so well but for what? [you are doing poorly] there are those bad ones that drag the school down [referring to me] (Context: I go to a 100% academically selective high school that is top of my state and one of the top of Australia) --> this one my mind is able to be logical about despite how hurt I still am at it... if everyone in a school gets 90-100 and there are a couple that get 80, relative to the rest of the state etc. the ones who get 80 aren’t bad, however also because everything’s relative they’re ‘doing the worst’ etc.

Used to constantly say that I belonged in a ‘lesser’ school because I’m not achieving high enough [as in I don’t belong at my prestigious school] (mad regrets for actually getting and striving for straight As when I was younger...)

Used to rant about me not getting a job etc. even though I wanted one and as soon as I get one she finds more things (some job related) to get mad at me for etc.

[After ball - the equivalent of senior prom - obviously, I danced at ball] “all you want to do is party, all you [can] do is dance dance dance. You want to be an escort? Mark my words you will never succeed. Fine be an escort just don’t tell me”

People make mistakes. You are the biggest mistake.

Me: “Mum my friend’s mum said I was pretty”

Mum: *laughs hysterically*

Me: “Mum my friend today said my ears were nice”

Mum: “What? Why would she say that... probably to cover something up. How are your ears nice when they look like ‘this’.” *does a weird gesture with her ears*

Why do I still let myself get affected? Why can’t I be like my brother who seems to ignore her plus he gets hit less? Idk... possibly bc I still respect her despite her thinking I have no respect for her... just a hypothesis. Do I owe her everything for taking me out of a 3rd world country... am I ungrateful? I deserve this...?

Talked to my dad and he says that he and my eldest brother had it worse etc. so basically he said: your quality of life is better and if we didn’t hit you, you would’ve become a drug user so you shouldn’t be unhappy and should be grateful. (Funny how the very thing I should be grateful for is what pointed me in the direction of them...)

My sister in law literally told me that her fam hit her too but she’s never seen anything like what she saw happening to me lol. She remembers an incident where apparently mum was going real hard and beating me, she said my mum’s a little [crazy]. Don’t really remember that since all the incidents kinda blurr together.

And then rarely, after, (at night) she’ll come into my room with a soft voice and be like “we just want you to do well” etc. and then I’ll feel so fucking confused and guilty for ever talking shit about her or for any negative thought I’ve had about any of the shit that happened to me. I mean, do I deserve it? I did kinda cause all of it...

It’s scary sometimes to interact with her bc you never know when she’ll snap. It’s terrifying when she has this certain look on her face - the one where you know you’ll be hurt.

I hate how she always tells and yells at me to go back to my birth mother. A cruel reminder she doesn’t want me anymore and no one does - that I’m not really apart of this family.

I really wish they would be happy and proud because of me but even if that would magically happen (already a legal adult) I’m so fucked it up I would never know how to react or process it.

Bonus:

*complains that I don’t have a job*

*complains when I do have a job*

(Odd jobs is fine yet forced me to back out of an anniversary server odd job)

*complains that I don’t read enough*

*complains that all I do is read ‘stupid books’*

#personal #things my mum has said to me #m #mum

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