#it's a bit of a cliche but the kind of cliche you can find immense joy in because it's done so delicately and lovingly

[candlewinds]

The subway car moving away from Seoul on a weekday morning was so quiet and peaceful that I almost felt as though I had been transported to another world. Perhaps, life isn’t any different. If you go in the opposite direction of everyone else, you may be able to find a quiet, peaceful path.

SUMMER STRIKE (2022) Dir. Lee Yoon Jung

[dokeythings]

| stay next to me | (dokyeom)

*based off the song 'stay next to me' by quinn XCII :)

~lyrics~

"we should go somewhere,

you choose i don't care.

as long as you're right here.

stay next to me.

yeah, we can barely stand,

and we both don't know this band, 

i'll move just hold my hand,

stay next to me."

----------------------------------------------------------

Y/N POV

your head pulses as the music booms through this packed house, taunting you as you shuffle through bodies. your friends dragged you here on a Thursday night, promising you that this one would actually be fun. spoiler alert: it's not, but you already knew it wouldn't be. you lost them somewhere around 10:30. this left you to your own devices, which means in simple terms that you just want to get the hell out of here. there's a serene moment of peace where the band finally stops, just for it to start back up again. your anxiety picks up immensely as you realize you really are alone, not knowing anyone here but your friends who are MIA. your heart starts pounding and you feel like you need to leave right now. you try to make your way to the back of the house when you fully collide with someone. 

"oh! i'm so sorry, that was my totally my bad, i wasn't paying attention. let me help you up" an unidentified voice says, sounding sincere in their apology. 

you look up from your place on the ground to see genuinely the most beautiful man you've ever seen, looking down at you worriedly and holding his hand out to you. maybe good things do happen to good people, you think.

you take his hand and stand up, fixing your shirt in the process. "oh my gosh don't worry about it! i'm sorry about that" you say, stumbling over your words a little bit. you try to calm your nerves, but its clear you were on your way to some type of panic attack just seconds ago. 

you force yourself to make eye contact even though your heart is beating in your ear, and it was surely a mistake because he's looking at you with a sweet smile and the softest eyes you've ever witnessed. 

"i was just trying to find my friends, they ditched me again even though they promised they wouldn't, i haven't seen them in half an hour. you know you would think after dragging me here they would at least pretend to stick around for a while but.." you look up, breaking yourself free from your nervous rambling. "i'm sorry" you blush, embarrassed.

he smiles at you again, clearly amused by your outburst. he also notices your shaky hands, and the way you're breathing. 

"i totally get it, i'm in the same boat right now, if it makes you feel better" he admits softly. "can i get you anything? some water? food?" he asks, showing worry. 

you can't imagine someone like him being ditched by his friends. you also can't imagine him being worried about someone like you, you must be making it up in your head. you smooth your hands over your ruffled skirt. 

"i'm okay, thank you though." you smile up at him, not used to random guys being this kind to you. he hums an 'okay' in response and you shuffle on your feet, not knowing how to full the silence.

"plus, this band fucking sucks" he breathes out, in full sincerity. 

you giggle at his disgust as he shakes his head at them, "they really fucking do" you agree with him. his smile widens, and he looks nervous for a moment before he speaks up again. 

"wanna get out of here?" he asks, hopefully. you open your mouth after a moment of hesitation but before you can say anything he adds,

"shit. i know that sounds like such a cliche movie line, and i'm a total stranger and it's totally okay if you say no. but i was just gonna go for a walk around the block to get some air" he rushes out. 

you don't know if this is a mistake and something that is screaming STRANGER DANGER, but you feel completely comfortable with him. you can't think of a single good reason why you should stay in here, and you were in fact about to go out to get some air. 

"you know what? yeah actually, that would be nice" you say. you never usually do anything like this. but when the universe puts such a beautiful, tall, handsome opportunity in front of you, you take it.

"i'm dokyeom, by the way" he smiles gently at you, showing his teeth.

"i'm Y/N" you respond shyly. 

you look around at all the bodies you still have to get through to reach the doors, and wish you could just teleport outside. he notices your hesitation.

"it's okay, just hold my hand" he offers up his hand with a soft smile. you take it quickly, butterflies erupting in your stomach as he intertwines his fingers with yours. 

"stay next to me" he mumbles in your ear as he begins to lead you both through the crowd. 

you hold his hand tight as you try to follow in his footsteps. at one point you almost get separated, and you feel his hand hover lightly on your waist to guide you around the person in the way. you hate how giddy that made you feel. eventually you make it outside and the air hits you and you feel like you can finally breathe again.

"ah, this is much better" dokyeom says from next to you, stepping down off the front lawn and into the street. and you can't tell if he really suggested this for himself, or for you. you agree with him, stepping down to meet him. as he walks a bit ahead of you you slow down for a moment to really study him.

he appears brighter out here without all the chaos inside. his oversized striped long sleeve hangs off his torso. his baggy jeans fit him cutely as he shuffles towards the moonlight. you find yourself smiling at him. you might be being creepy right now, but you can't help it. he turns around promptly after realizing you aren't right next to him.

"i don't bite, promise" he smirks, chuckling a little at the distance between you. 

you blush as you walk quickly to catch up to him. "i'm sorry" you apologize. 

he smiles, nudging you softly with his shoulder, lightening up the mood. "we can go back inside and i can help you find your friends if you want" he offers, clearly picking up on your nerves. but the nerves aren't for the reason he's thinking. you really don't get much male attention, probably because you never put yourself out there. you're enjoying this, but also don't want to do or say something that makes you look like an idiot. 

you shake your head vigorously, saying "no, no no, this is perfect". you immediately do a facepalm because that was a stupid, desperate answer. 

you feel dokyeom gently pull your hand away from your face, giving you no option but to look at his face. 

"you're cute, you know" he chuckles. 

you don't even know how you're going to get through the rest of this interaction if he keeps making you feel this way.

you begin walking again, just taking in the breezy october air. he walks next to you, staying at a respectable distance, still hesitant about your nerves. between the darkness provided by the night, and the smell of his cologne on the wind, you feel a little braver all of a sudden. you inch your way closer to him in what you thought was a sneaky manner. apparently you were wrong.

he smirks to himself, noticing right away. 

"just cold" you mumble, lying straight through your teeth to try and bask your embarrassment.

"mmm, of course. in that case, let me warm you up" he says, letting you play out your lie, but you both know the truth. he drapes his arm over your shoulders, pulling you into his side. he's so warm, and god he smells so good. he rubs his hand up and down your arm to shield you from the cold.

"Y/N!!" you hear from behind you. you sigh, recognizing those voices. you and dokyeom stop and turn around as he lets go of your shoulders. out of all times to find me, they choose now?

you give them an awkward wave after noticing them giggling over your current state, and especially the extremely handsome boy next to you. they walk closer to you guys saying, "girl we have been looking for you everywhere". they look back and forth between you and dokyeom, clearly wanting to catch up on everything they missed.

"i've been looking for you guys everywhere too, we ran into each other and decided to get some air" you say, shrugging casually as your friends raise their eyebrows.

"hey" dokyeom says, waving awkwardly. 

"well i'm very sorry to break up this love fest but we have to go right now, because daniella is on the verge of death we think" she says gesturing back to the front yard where your other friend is sitting with her head in her hands. they start dragging you away without even letting you think for a second. 

"wait! y/n" dokyeom says, jogging to catch up to you and holds your hand gently to stop you from being dragged away. 

he asks for your phone to which you give it to him without hesitation. you watch as he puts his phone number in your contacts. he hands back the phone, letting his fingers linger on yours for just a little longer than needed.

"call me, yeah?" he says, giving you his famous smile. something like nervousness crosses his face for a moment before he leans in and gives you a quick peck on the cheek. you're pretty sure you almost die. and yes, just from that simple gesture. 

"i- yes. i definitely will" you stutter, making him chuckle endearingly at you again. 

your friends go back to dragging you away and you turn around to look at him just as you are reaching the front yard. he waves back at you, adding a wink for good measure. thank god my friends dragged me to this party, you think.

[rainbowsky]

Review: Born to Fly

I saw DD's new film, so here are my thoughts on it. I'm going to have a spoiler-free section and then a more spoilery section. Please pay attention to that if you haven't seen it yet!

Spoiler Free Section

I have to be honest: I had pretty low expectations going into this film. These kind of militaristic, nationalistic, 'heroes and glory' films aren't really my thing. I like the action and excitement, but that tends to get eclipsed by cliches, macho posturing and manipulative melodrama.

These kinds of films tend to take themselves too seriously, and the audience is supposed to go along with that and take it all equally seriously. A lot of the promo for the film showed officials and military figures crying in the audience, which could have gone a few different ways depending on what was happening onscreen.

Given the political situation in that region right now, with China escalating their military aggression against Taiwan, I was also worried this film might push a narrative that I'd find offensive.

Thankfully this film wasn't quite what I feared it might be. Yeah, it had some eye-roll worthy cliche moments and some unintentional humor, but for the most part it was just an engaging, suspenseful and surprisingly funny film. The political angle wasn't great but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

For the most part the special effects were pretty good. Definitely strong enough to give a sense of immersion, and all the actors gave good performances.

Of course DD was the star of the show, and he really stepped up to the task. His performance was convincing, his character was sympathetic, and of course he looked amazing in every frame. I was so proud of him.

Overall I think it's a film most fans will enjoy immensely, and any family or friends who get dragged along for the ride will not have much to complain about.

If you haven't seen it yet, I recommend you stop reading now and maybe come back once you have.

Spoilery Section

I'm not going to go into too much depth, here, because if I get too ambitious this post will run the risk of languishing in my drafts folder, never to see the light of day.

What I Liked

I loved Lei Yu. DD was well cast - he had a lot of DD-ish traits. I enjoyed his plucky, often conflicted personality. He was smart, talented and very human.

While we didn't get much depth from him or the other characters (typical of the genre), the relationships he had with his crew mates were at least convincing enough to drive the story forward and make me feel invested in what was happening to them all.

I loved the action. The aerial scenes were so exciting, and mostly well produced. I had been a bit worried that we'd spend most of the film watching the guys work out and do all these endurance tests (which might make good eye candy but isn't a story), so when those things just ended up being quick montages I was relieved.

I mean, that's what's most exciting about a film like this, right? The planes, the action, the suspense, the crashes.

I also really loved the humor in this film. There were some genuinely funny moments, and it helped relax me into the story more and become more invested in the characters. We all know a film like this is going to play with our emotions a bit, but too many writers forget that just like pain, laughter can be a gateway into people's hearts.

The story was pretty good. I wasn't expecting much, but I think they did a good job of making the mission seem important, of making the struggles seem real, and taking the viewer on a journey.

The film was over 2 hours long, but never at any point did I look at my phone or wonder how much time was left. I was engaged and excited throughout the story. That alone is a pretty big accomplishment. My attention span isn't stellar.

I was grateful that there wasn't much of a romantic storyline. I guess we can thank the censors for that, because they recently put stronger limitations on romantic storylines in nationalistic media. 😐

It was fine for there to be a spark of interest between characters - it makes the stakes higher when things get tense - but I showed up for an action flick, not a romance.

I can't really comment on the technology or anything to do with the planes, training, etc. I have no clue about any of that. It all seemed plausible enough to me that I wasn't being pulled out of the story every time that stuff was being discussed.

I especially enjoyed the parachute packing scene. I had never before put much thought into how parachutes are put together, but the way the guy was talking about it lent gravity to the story while also just being really interesting both topically and visually.

While I felt that the 'background-building' scene with his parents was a bit too rushed to give us a strong sense of their relationship, I wasn't too upset about it because I was more interested in the action.

The relationship between Lei Yu and Zhang Ting (his commander) was very satisfying, and I loved the chief engineer guy who he packed parachutes with. What a great character. Both Hu Jun and Tian Zhuang Zhuang gave strong performances.

I loved that Lei Yu was something of an engineer himself. I don't know much about military aviation, but I know astronauts are serious engineers and scientists, so why can't top tier pilots be too?

This whole aspect of participating in the design of the aircraft was so interesting, and gave us another angle on Lei Yu. Brains, beauty and brawn rather than just a hot macho soldier.

The commander's child was also a smart choice for the story. He was cute and relatable, and gave us another angle through which to view all of this. The enthusiasm for planes. The connection with his dad. It added some fun and human interest to the story (and some pathos).

Little Bai Ze Ze was so cute and he gave a good performance!

I like that I can look back on a movie that was over two hours long and feel that some things were rushed. They packed a lot into those two hours, and the pacing was such that I never got bored or lost interest, and always felt like something interesting was happening.

That might sound like a small thing, but to me it's huge. It's so rare for me to watch a film where I feel engaged all the way through. Especially not a movie in this genre. They did a good job with the story and pacing.

There were some good emotional moments. Going to the tomb to pay respects to the fallen comrades, of course was so emotional, and it helped give a sense of the stakes of what they were doing and the magnitude of the mission.

The death of the commander was also so powerful and heartbreaking. I liked that they weren't afraid to show all these guys bawling their eyes out. It made it all more believable.

Like the success of the mission, the redemption of the relationship between Lei Yu and his rival Deng Fang was totally predictable. The salute at the end "I owe you" could have come off as cheesy but was played well and felt sincere and meaningful. Overall I liked Yu Shi in this film, he did well.

What I Didn't Like

There were some things that I found weak, cringey or even offensive.

The number one thing that bothered me was the glorification of tragedy, and the characterization of terrible accidents as a noble and heroic self-sacrifice, as though it was a price worth paying for the competitive mission of building a frickin' plane to outdo the other guys' technology.

There is never a time when that kind of thing is not offensive to me. The 'noble, self-sacrificing heroism' of soldiers is not an accidental sociocultural perception. It's something people are taught to believe so that the state has enough people who are willing to come forward as cannon fodder, and so the loved ones left behind don't mutiny against those who put them in harm's way.

Yes, there are some dangerous jobs out there and people put themselves on the line to do some important things, but the way this film framed loss of life as an acceptable - even valiant - price for getting a jet built (that is itself just a killing machine)... ugh.

If the value of their lives was put above the value of the technology being built - and above the value of the mission - their goals would still be achievable, but with less loss of life. This isn't about getting the planes built, it's about expediency.

As I was watching a lot of the action scenes I couldn't help but think of DD and everything he went through to make it all happen. I don't like how much danger and injury he ended up with during this film shoot. Seeing the car crash where I knew it was REALLY HIM in the driver's seat was stressful.

And that goes alongside the overall message of 'necessary, noble sacrifice'. The film promo glorified DD's accident and the danger he was put in, his willingness to keep filming even when he was injured or in pain (such as the way the shoulder straps tore up his shoulders when he was in the spinning machine), as heroic and noble rather than irresponsible and unnecessary. It's just so offensive to me. Actors shouldn't be expected to risk life and limb for the sake of creating entertainment. Such things shouldn't be glorified.

So there's that whole tone to the film of people's lives and welfare being an accepted - even natural - price of doing business, which really bothered me.

Another thing I didn't like - and which I knew going into the film would be a problem for me - was the way the whole thing was framed politically. The whole "East vs West" thing was cringey and at times unintentionally hilarious. The American pilots were totally slapstick funny in their characterization, to a degree that came across as childish and embarrassingly propagandistic.

"We can come and go whenever we want and you can't stop us! Hahaha!"

Said the evil stick men with curly moustaches.

This is where nationalistic films often cross the line into creepy or ultra cringey. I think the goal of creating a powerful stealth fighter jet is exciting enough on its own. The audience would have been there for it without the villainizing and the 'us vs them' narrative.

Painting China as an underdog was also so laughable and totally offensive. They are one of the top military powers on the planet. They are leading in technology on many fronts. This had no believability whatsoever, and came across as blatant propagandizing. Which of course I knew to expect, but that didn't make it any more palatable.

And of course, the scenes where they were patrolling the seas were exciting, but when you think about what's actually happening in the region right now it all takes on a totally different tone.

So while the propagandizing wasn't as overbearing as I thought it would be, it still had a pretty strong presence in the film, and that detracted from my enjoyment. I knew that going in, though. It's inevitable with a film like this.

There were a few other moments in the film where I rolled my eyes at the heavy-handed melodrama - the totally predictable and cheesy tombstone fly-by after the big save toward the end of the film, for example - but none of it was unexpected. It's all par for the course with these kinds of films.

Some of the crisis points in the film were a bit much, too. Like that bird strike, which felt sudden and unintentionally comical. The people sobbing in the control room when you know damn well the pilots are fine. That kind of thing. But again - typical fare for this type of film.

Final Thoughts

This film is admittedly a bit shallow, but that's something one can expect from this genre. Films like this tend to put a few hooks into viewers - pull a few emotional strings - and then deliver a bunch of high impact moments to give a sense of payoff. It's all very predictable and formulaic, but that can be part of the appeal. Sometimes I just want to see a cheesy action film.

As far as these types of films go, Born to Fly really wasn't too bad. It was watchable and enjoyable, and the things that bothered me didn't bother me enough to pull me out of the story. My fear was that DD would be associated with a really trashy, awful film and I am hugely relieved to say that didn't end up happening.

This film was a totally respectable effort for what it was, and I enjoyed it, although it doesn't hold up as well internationally as it probably would in China.

That might sound like a tepid summation, but all things considered it's practically a glowing review. 😅

Most importantly, DD gave a really solid performance, and I think that's going to bode well for his career moving forward. There really wasn't a moment in the entire film where I felt he fell short. I am so proud of him. He's doing so well!

[kylekirkwoods]

hii gio: geochalex reality tv au?

send me an au and i’ll give you 5+ headcanons a short ficlet about it i know nothing about the bachelor or how reality tv works, but i hope its good lol. also, this will be my first posted fic, so sorry in advance </3

when pierre nominated him to be the bachelor, he meant it as a joke. it was a stupid bet that wasn’t supposed to go anywhere at all. but with one rose left and a live audience waiting on him, charles feels like he should have shut down this whole thing way earlier.

the host is speaking, something about how the season has gone, but charles isn’t hearing a word. he’s spinning his last rose in his hand, watching the petals flutter and twist. the producers took all the thorns off, like they have with every other rose, and he wishes that they left them on. maybe it would be enough to ground him.

“charles, whenever you’re ready,” the host says. charles can feel the eyes of everyone, both audience and crew, staring at him, waiting for his decision. he has been dreading this bit, not because of all the people, even if it certainly doesn’t help, but because he doesn’t think he can choose. george is so sweet and earnest and alex funny and kind and he’s in love with them both.

“i can’t do this,” he says, a single tear falling from the corner of his eye. how cliche is he, running away on the reality romance television show? he’s sure the producers are loving the dramatics.

he doesn’t know how long he sits outside staring up at the night sky, feet submerged in the pool, before george and alex find him. they sit on either side of him, but don’t say anything.

“i’m sorry,” charles says. “i didn’t think it would be like this. i can’t choose between you two.”

alex bumps his shoulder gently, and charles feels immensely grateful for him in that moment.

“me and alex have been together since week two, actually,” george says.

“george!” alex exclaims. “what happened to easing him in?!”

charles is at a loss. the two guys he’s in love with and had to choose between have been dating this whole time? alex is still going on about how it would have been better to build up to the whole dating thing, george failing to argue his point in response, but charles feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

charles grabs alex’s face between his palms and kisses him, then turns and kisses a stunned george, before either of them can say anything more.

“there,” he says. “now you are dating me, too. do you think the producers will still make me give one of you the rose?”

“mate, i think they’re more interested in the drama than anything else,” george says.

they sit with their feet in the pool for a long while, before some harried crew members find them. but it doesn’t matter, charles thinks, because he can see forever in them.

[captainshorter]

Kinnporsche hogwarts houses

Will i be sorting Kinnporsche characters in Hogwarts houses? Yes i’ll try. 

Note; Im not in any way a sorting hat so you may disagree, i’m just doing this for fun after all, also i’m not here to offend anyone. If y’all wanna share your own thoughts feel free too, but keep it respectful please

Starting of strong with Porsche: Gryffindor. Okay I know it’s a bit cliche to sort the main character in Gryffindor but it’s the most fitting for him. Bravery and nerve comes with Gryffindor and Porsche got nerve. It’s also said that because of these traits Gryffindor’s tend to be a bit reckless and well Porsche is a bit reckless isn’t he?

Kinn: he’s a hard character to sort but i decided on Ravenclaw. He’s smart, has good intellect. It’s said Kinn is very understanding and those in Ravenclaw are that. Ravenclaws tend to want to prove themselves and that’s what Kinn wants. I don’t have any further arguments for sorting him in Ravenclaw ,just bear with me

Tankhun: tankhun was nearly equally as hard to sort- if not harder- than Kinn. Tankhun because of his very eccentric behaviour and slight childish manner would fast be sorted in Hufflepuff. But i don’t think i agree with that. Gryffindor wouldn’t be fitting, and slytherin is just entirely wrong. So im deciding on Ravenclaw once more. Because despite him being kind of crazy, he has a pretty logical brain. Unlike Kinn and Porsche, Tankhun was the first realise Pete had been kidnapped. He’s somewhat cunning too, which is more of a slytherin trade but can also be fitting for ravenclaws. He doesn’t have the urge to prove himself like Kinn has but he has the curiousity to know more about the world which also fits a ravenclaw.

Kim; Slytherin. I didn’t really have to think much about this but he has all the traits. He’s cunning, ambitious and a natural born-leader. He’s not the heir of the Main family but it’s clear that he could be the best fit of the three brothers, if he wasn’t so self-preserved (also a slytherin trade). Kim tends to think before he acts. But despite these things he does care for people, even acting rashly for them. People tend to underestimate the loyalty Slytherins have and Kim is a perfect example, he’s fiercely protective of his own sellected group, which includes Porchay and Tankhun. Kim is self-assured and confident of his own competence, two other traits slytherin are often known for.

Arm: Ravenclaw. We don’t see him much so it’s hard to be able to make a accurate assumption but he seems like the stereotype smart guy right? Very competent with computers and witty. But also observant, he’s the first to point out that Porsche might like Kinn (though i have my suspicion Pete knew already too, not important) that says he pays attention at the world around him right?hat’s a ravenclaw trait. He also shows that he’s compassionate and understanding, him being Tankhun’s bodyguard,after all not everyone would be able to do that. 

Pol: Hufflepuff. Starting this off with saying he has IMMENSE Hufflepuff vibes. He seems loyal, kind, hard-working and patient. Traits that come in handy when you work with someone like Tankhun. That’s all i have to say about Pol because i haven’t really read myself into his character, sorry.

Finishing the first part with Porchay; Hufflepuff. I think this one as quite obvious. He’s kind, dedicated and extremely loyal. Hardworking too, you see that in the show by him working his butt off on those music-lesson with Kim. You see him being loyal towards Porsche and Kim. Something abiut Hufflepuff’s that comes back in Porchay is a strong moral-code and a sense of right and wrong. You notice that with the way Porchay reacts when he finds out Porsche is a bodyguard for the mafia, that is also because of personal experience but partly because it’s morally just wrong.

Part 2

[phalgun]

The Great American Sabbatical 

That is what I have been calling my trip on Polarsteps (the app to journal your trips, it’s pretty cool - check it out). It has been longer than I thought it would. I also thought I won’t learn anything new on this trip - I kept saying I have gone on similar sabbaticals before and have learnt everything I possibly can. I was wrong.

This post is about how I was wrong, what I learnt and what I did differently this time around. 

h/t to @wayfaring_nerd on twitter on giving me so many prompts to write about when I complained about wanting to write but don't have anything to say. 

1. Mountains or beaches? This is one of my most hated cliched questions. “Both!”, I always answered. I have now learnt my answer is mountains. I think I understood the question better now and found my answer. I have been subconsciously packing more for living in the mountains than in the beaches pretty much most of my trips. I am far more comfortable with my shirt on than off. I will still continue going to beaches because I enjoy the vibe, and am writing this from a cute little beach town even now :) 

2. Starting over This was the first time I was moving countries after settling into it. That meant having to start over from scratch each time, preparing for the new country and planning for it. Starting with how to exchange money, how to ride a bus/metro, what places to see, what is a good price to pay for a meal, and in the case of Brazil - trying to navigate a whole new language when you are in the middle of learning another one. 

3. You can never ever fully experience any place / country This is controversial. Kinda shook my whole travel philosophy for a bit. 

4. Spanish I'm surprised I can now construct sentences in Spanish (albeit a few words). At the start of my trip, I vastly underestimated how much I would need Spanish and was quite lax in picking it up. I now wish I stayed longer in the Spanish speaking countries so that my language practice could go on. I need to find ways to continue learning Spanish once I'm back home.

5. Why do I travel? This has multiple layers to it. You always start with the most obvious reasons and then with time, you discover new ones. My answer always was - it brings me joy. Keeps every day fresh and new, I like meeting new people etc. I was able to discover a far more primitive need for why it brings me joy, multiple layers down.

I think at the core of it, its ‘cos I get to start over. Each day, I get to start over and make it the way I want. Each person I meet I get to start over in how I interact with them and reciprocate. Each country & city is a new start in what area I want to be in, what kind of activities I want to partake in etc.

Eg. In Huaraz, I realised on day 1 it is a city that offers nothing and you have to hike and make the most of it. My hostel was primarily a sleep and shower destination. In Lima, I didn’t want to do anything. I just stayed at hostel, spent time online, or with my book, went for short walks and chilled more.

In some cities, I chose to be a lot less social and chatty compared to others where I was definitely looking to go out more and do new things.

It was almost like the city possessed a vibe, and I chose how I wanted to ride it based on what I felt like doing. 

Makes me wonder what it takes to make my life back home similar to this too.

6. Gratitude This happened during my Fi debit card debacle (you should check my twitter for this). While I was stuck in a new country with enough money to only last another meal, I was oddly not too disturbed. I was still at peace. I knew things were going to work out and wouldn’t have to end my trip early. But more importantly, I already felt immensely lucky to be on this trip. Many many people checked in on me, escalated my Fi debit card issue at different places on my behalf, and offered help (and money). With all this surrounding me, somehow I never felt the need to complain? I was honestly more grateful than disturbed. It made me think deeper on what caused this shift and if I could take it back home with me. I know I have a fairly privileged and lucky life back at home too. Why do I not hold the same gratitude there and be less affected when I am, say, affected? 

7. Uncertainty Not knowing where I’ll be, where I’d stay, what I’d do that day became the norm. In most of my previous trips, there was at least a certainty in the mid-term on where I’d be staying and doing. Majorly stemming from the fact that I was still working for a big chunk of the day, and my day and activities revolved around that. This time, I had the flexibility of really doing things on the edge. I had my Brazil visa appointment at 10am, while my flight to Brazil was booked for 10pm. I once coin tossed my way into deciding whether I’ll stay or leave the place. 

8. It is never too big or too small It is a futile exercise to define travel to be a certain way. You will always find someone gatekeeping what ideal travel is. At the end of the day, the only definition that matters is the one you have made peace with. Oddly, related to previous post on its you who chooses how to travel.

--

At the end of the day, I like to travel because it takes you to places where you are far more reflective of your life choices and likes than you would be at home or in a familiar place. This alone is tremendous alpha in spending time by yourself in a new place. You come out with a better understanding of who you are and what you are - without the noise of your surroundings or the history of your baggage. It allows you to really, really, start with a clean slate.

[letterstodreams]

Try To Be Everything You Want?

While chopping vegetables yesterday I had a conversation pop into my head, in which the character said, "Try to be everything you want to be". Or was it just, "Be everything you want to be", or maybe "I want you to be everything you want to be". Anyway, the final conclusion was that I might try to see if I can be everything I want to be, if I feel able, if I feel like it. And at the time when I got that little conversation (which was a little more than just that), I felt so great. And as often happens when I get these messages, I was trembling and elated with energy. It's not a thing that I can describe with my logical mind. I don't believe one bit that I'm just getting worked up and making this elated, trembly energy happen by my own excitement. It's like I've been infused with something from the outside. The only thing I know to compare it to is perhaps some kind of mind-altering substance could make someone feel this way? But I've never had any such substance, only had caffeine or alcohol myself.

Anyway, the next day I remembered this and how powerful it felt and I wanted to remember it and carry it with me and see how to apply it to my life. But this morning it felt silly, cliche, vague, and I wondered, how did that feel like it could transform my life? But then I remembered, oh yeah, now I know why. It was because of how I felt at the time, what I was thinking about, that colored the whole message. What I want to be changes over time, but yesterday I wanted to be something, someone in particular, or rather, maybe, I wanted to be something for someone else. For the character. Yes now this sounds weird but it's not half as terrible as many real-life relationships. In fact, it's not terrible at all, unless you let it become an obsessive delusional thing. It's not anymore, thought it was once, for me. Now it's more like the weather, ever-changing, and I cannot hold on to it. That's why I so promptly forgot it, the next day. But I can remember it too if I choose to, and make it come true, or at least, truer.

When I work towards dreams it's like going on a voyage and not knowing where I will arrive, what I'll find, how far I will go and if I'll have to turn back. That's part of what makes it so exciting and so free. The expectations are all off. The possibilities are all available if I can seize them and make them my own. But the reality is clear and humble and aware before my eyes. That makes it more inspiring because it's the present moment, beginner's mind sort of thing. Where even the most ridiculous failure can feel full of life and vibrant senses.

So now that I know what I want to be, I can hold on to walking into that dream until the voyage, weather or landscape makes it impossible to hold on to the dream and then I'll adapt to shift to make room for the next dream that will arrive, and it will. Another exhilarating thing about all these dreams and characters is that I never know what's next and it's so full of variety and surprise. I feel like if my whole life just went down a spiral, I could find a dream to fit that too. And so failure has a whole new meaning. I can come to terms with the fact that so little is guaranteed, no it's more extreme than that sounds. It's that so little is even possible or likely or visible as for how on earth I could even begin to think of or reach for or hope for it. The likelihood of failure is so immense and multi-faceted when it comes to my dreams and even just my hopes to cope very well into the future in my life, that's how dark it is for me. But coping well is a relative idea. That's my saving grace, plus the many miraculous transformations that make me hope in something that seems far-fetched and fragile, ephemeral and unheard-of. For so many things like that I do so very much hope, and strike out, and try.

There are so many things that could go so badly wrong and it's not like I can just bounce back. A domino effect could topple my whole life and even still, I feel like some dream could save it. That is how humble and sublime these dreams are. Like religion claims to let you lean upon God if all else fails, and not need earthly comforts or safety, except I've been there, done that with religion and I can't fully dive into any belief system, only bits and pieces to make my own crazy quilt of beliefs and practices, with deep dives into several religions, so intense you'd be sure I was actually 5 different religions, if you saw and heard me talk, at different phases of time. But I don't fully believe any of them, cut out huge chunks of all of them. I'm closest to the Bahá'í faith since they say that they embrace all religions. But they also have some rules and exclusions that I simply cannot abide by.

I've done it again, rambled like I was trying to chat to some old friend on the telephone like I used to do, and go on and on about anything or nothing. I guess I'm trying to open the new line to this creative flow to this blog. But I don't know if I can ever pare it down to something more intentional and directed. That is what I hope for. If it turns out that it needs to be scatter-brained, chatter-brained like this, then so be it. I guess it still might benefit me in a haphazard style, dropping things along the wayside, for them to rot away in the weather, too tired and far gone to turn back and try to find all the things I lost along the way, much of the time. And yet, you can live your life that way, just like you can blog or think or plan that way too.

[rethesun]

My OTP SHIPS!

Is it OTPs if it is more than one or just favorite ships?

These pairings beat the odds and stand the test of time. They genuinely choose to love every day, even if it’s the least easy path. None of them expect to fall in love. Most go through (figurative with some literal) hell and heaven and back for each other.

1. Melinda Gordon & Jim Clancy

They are the most healthy and realistic TV couple I’ve ever witnessed. Truly my place of realistic bliss! Simple but just as effective.

2. Jamie & Claire Fraser

These two individuals are true equals in every sense of the word - independent heroes. They don't depend on each other to be strong individually, but they choose to be together which makes them even stronger. I appreciate how they believe in and respect each other immensely, even through the toughest of times. Admittedly, the show's time-travel and heroics were unrealistic for our current times. However, what I found truly beautiful was the way these two characters loved each other. It was a healthy, supportive love that one might find in a strong marriage. They both faced different kinds of emotional and mental trauma, but they were always there for one another, holding each other up during the darkest times until they each found their way back to themselves. Seeing this kind of love portrayed on screen was truly special and rare.

3. James Valdez & Teresa Mendoza

Peter Gadiot and his heart eyes can handle things independently, but when he's with Teresa, it's a tremendous slow burn! SBs are my ultimate weakness. I'm here for the adventure, but even if you remove the thrilling and dangerous cartel aspect for a moment, you still have two relatable characters. I love that this show ensures realistic responses to traumas and surroundings. The incredibly attentive and gentle connection that develops between them is convincing. It grows into something undeniable and irreplaceable. It's a story of two people who suppressed love and let their cool, traumatized shells guide them for far too long. Luckily, they eventually managed to express their emotions and made it. This love is built on mutual trust, loyalty, and intelligence.

4. Olivia & Fitz

OK, who’s going to admit that they at some point loved the idea of forbidden scandalous fruit which must be kept a secret?! The chemistry! The high stakes! The epic drama of it all! These two are so soft and yet on fire at all times. Cons: it's not that realistic, and it’s a very unhealthy coupling.

5. Bonnie & Damon

The laughter! The unexpected pure friendship! Yes, this ship was categorized as platonic, but it wasn’t if you listened to Kat and Ian’s interviews. They explain it well if it’s not apparent enough on screen. If you’ve read the books, you know romance was initially part of their story. I only watched the show but believe these two characters are fun/nier and a healthier match than Delena ever was. Also, Ian Somerhalder wouldn’t have continued in the show without Kat Graham’s Bonnie Bennett! Honestly, none of the characters would live to season 8 without Kat’s character. Bonnie was an ideal character all on her own from the start, even before she knew her true power, but (as unfair and racist as it was/is) Kat Graham only got more screen time because of Bamon. In contrast, Damon’s character arc to becoming his best self was primarily because of her. I digress. I love Ian and Kat. The growth of these two characters over TVD’s eight seasons is tremendous. I just love the history, the quick wit, the “can’t bulshit me” soft magic between them.

6. Elena Gilbert & Damon Salvatore (Delena)

Who doesn’t like to indulge in a cliche love triangle when it manages to be this epic?! Drama drama drama, and yet this pair is SO GOOD! I’m a bit biased. Cons: Not realistic and mostly unhealthy

7. Vivienne Surefire & Sunny Sweeney (🍒☀️)

Fic otp! Aerial - Another unexpected slow burn! A story about having to often get things very wrong before getting them right. These characters don’t start romantically brushing elbows until the 27th chapter or so. It’s full of angst, and soft, loved-up, ethereal molten hot feelings, with a picturesque setting throughout! Pros: poetically written - almost every line is a pretty and moving description. Cons: a little too idealistic for reality

8. Bonus:

Click to each the video of these two jaguars in love! Jaguars are my favorite big cat, and I resonate with their spiritual symbolism. Unfortunately all animals in sanctuaries are endangered species. Luckily, these cats are respected and get all that they need. Jaguars are naturally solitary creatures. Yet look at my favorite Jaguar couple, defying it all, loving, purely to love. Meet Neron & Kiera - a real-life jaguar couple who live at the big cat sanctuary in England. Neron is the melanistic male, and Kiera is the tan female. They had a cub a year ago and may have another later. They are so tender with each other. I love how their personalities are opposites, but they love each other anyway.

Many tv series and books are not realistic but I like that my favorite pairs have some realism and remind me/taught me a few things about healthy, enduring love. Ultimately, I must respect myself and enjoy my life and know myself as much as I respect others to get the most out of life.

[dinosaurtsukki]

[ too scared to say ]

pairing: tsukishima kei x f!reader

word count: 1.6k words

contains: slight angst, tsukishima with insecure!s/o cause he’s usually the insecure one in fics, another wedding-themed fic

a/n: had this idea for a while and i’m glad i’ve finally written it. it’s usually tsukki’s who’s insecure and guarded in xreader fics so i wanted to try it out with the reader being insecure this time

i love you.

you're caught off-guard when you hear the words from tsukishima's mouth. you never thought you'd ever hear him actually say them. as much you wished for it to happen, especially after you spent three years of high school doodling his name in the margins of your notebook, it feels too good to be true.

tsukishima looks sincere about it though. you're both seated on the couch in your apartment and even though it's pouring outside and the electricity had died, you can still make out his face in the dim lighting. you can tell it took him a great deal of effort to say that: his eyes are focused on the cushion on his lap as he picks at a stray thread, the sound of his breathing is more audible now as he inhales deeply.

this is the time where you say it back but the words catch themselves in your throat. after all, weren't you the one who got yourself into trouble for being too naive all the time? after leaving high school and all hopes of tsukishima ever liking you back behind, you tried your hand at relationships. you thought every single one of them would be your last, only to find that you had deluded yourself yet again.

meeting tsukishima again, years after high school, felt like a weird universal coincidence that you didn't know if you should thank for yet. even more so when he admitted to his feelings for you back then.

"so, what do we do about it now?" you asked.

"i'd... like to give this a shot," tsukishima said, rubbing the back of his head. you were reluctant, but agreed anyway.

you've said 'i love you' before, more than a few times. and yet, you couldn't say it now.

"aren't you... jumping to conclusions a bit?" you asked, nervously letting out a laugh.

"what do you mean?" tsukishima frowns slightly.

"just, saying that you might not be sure about that yet so... slow down a bit before saying things like that," you shrugged.

"what? you think i don't know my own feelings?" tsukishima scoffs. there's a look of hurt on his face and you can't exactly blame him for it.

"i'm sorry, tsukki," you apologize, resting your hand in the middle of the couch between you except he doesn't reach for it.

"it's fine," he shakes his head, focusing now on the wall in front of him. "i know you're not really the person you once were and, i don't mind that at all cause neither am i. sometimes, it really feels like you have a wall up."

you find yourself flinching slightly at that last part. maybe this is the part when things go south, like they always do. except, you feel sad that it had to happen with tsukishima too.

but he doesn't act like how you expect him to. "if you need time, it's fine with me," is all he says. tsukishima doesn't sound exasperated, nor frustrated at all. but he does stand up and head for the door.

'you can stay,' you think, 'please stay.'

but all you can bring yourself to say is: "take an umbrella. it's pouring outside."

...

that was about a week ago and tsukishima has barely heard from you then. he didn't know what else to do aside from give you space, and also silently regret things. maybe he was too hasty in saying that he loved you.

but, that was what he truly felt, and it wasn't easy for him to say but he did it anyway. 'you're not always losing anything when you open yourself up to someone,' akiteru had told him. and now, tsukishima was riding a bus on the way to his older brother's wedding.

he had just hung his tux on the curtain rod above the window and settled into his seat though when he caught a familiar flash of blue. of course, tsukishima would recognize your favorite dress and sat up in his seat to see you walking down the center aisle. he watched as you looked around for a seat before landing on the last empty one in the bus, which happened to be right next to tsukishima's.

"hey."

"hey," tsukishima swallowed as you approached.

"is this seat taken?" you asked.

"no, go ahead," tsukishima shook his head, his eyes distracted by the familiar dry-cleaners bag that you held in your hands. "let me help you with that," he offered, taking the hanger from your hands and hanging it up beside his tux.

“saeko nee-san invited me to the wedding,” you explained as soon as you sat down beside tsukishima. “congratulations to your brother, by the way.”

“thanks. we all, kind of saw it coming,” tsukishima chuckled. now that you were here, he realized just how much he missed you. 

“i’m sorry for not calling or anything, by the way,” you apologized. “i can’t say that this is all new to me but, it’s just... well... i’ve been in other relationships before and sometimes, it feels like things repeat themselves too much.”

tsukishima nodded, remembering the night when you two met again after so many years. he was working the counter at the bar and noticed you sitting there, obviously dressed up for a date, obviously stood up in that said date too. you were very much different from the young girl who used to invite him and yamaguchi to watch the latest romance movie theaters, the one who sang songs at the top of your lungs in your bedroom, loud enough for those downstairs to here. but that didn’t mean he liked you any less. 

“hey,” he laid a hand on top of yours. “why don’t we just enjoy today? you still love going to weddings, right?”

you smiled gratefully and chuckled. “yeah, that hasn’t changed.”

...

you fully expected to run into tsukishima at his own brother’s wedding and had thought twice about going before talking sense into yourself. and now, you were glad to have gone. 

the wedding was absolutely charming and more than a few of your old high school friends came. you and tsukishima were seated with yamaguchi and yachi at the same table and chatted about old times and what the volleyball duo was up to. saeko looked stunning in her dress and akiteru cried more than a few times during the ceremony. tsukishima looked proud of his brother, and more than a little tired of his new brother-in-law.

“they look really good together,” you sighed, smiling at akiteru and saeko who were breakdancing in the middle of the dance floor, the latter doing much better than the former. 

“yeah,” tsukishima chuckled. “they barely met each other in high school but i could tell nii-chan was star-struck when they met at the shiratorizawa match.”

“and now look at them,” you giggled. “kind of the opposite of us, in a way.”

“yeah, because you were definitely head over heels for me,” tsukishima snickered. you smacked his arm with the back of your hand.

“and you were too dense to realize it,” you countered. 

“not exactly. just thought it was too good to be true,” tsukishima smiled wryly. 

“we should have been accidentally locked into a room together to force us to admit our feelings.” 

“you and your romance movie cliches.”

you chuckled at that. “just saying. would have made things way easier for everyone.” you sighed again and remembered the confession letter you had penned to tsukishima before deciding to stash it away in your desk. then, you turned to tsukishima who was watching his brother and sister-in-law dance. 

maybe you were going to enjoy yourself tonight.

“hey, tsukishima?”

“yeah?”

“wanna dance with me?”

...

with the dancing and frequent visits to the wine bar, you ended up enjoying the wedding immensely. but as much as you didn’t want to, it was finally time to go home. you and tsukishima didn’t even bother changing out of your formal clothes before catching the last bus back home. your hair had escaped from its pins and you were definite that there was mascara smudged under your eye. tsukishima’s tie hung loosely around his neck and he had already unbuttoned the upper part of his shirt.

all of the dancing tired him out way more than you, but it was a pleasant surprise for him to comply with your request. you also had the wine to thank for tsukishima deciding to break dance for about a minute when his older brother asked him to. 

as soon as he was seated, tsukishima was out like a light with his head leaned back against the seat and his mouth slightly hanging open. looking at him, you realized that he was someone you didn’t want to let go. dating him was scarier because of that and you didn’t want tsukishima to be one of those people you were eventually going to say goodbye to.

but how could he be that person if you don’t ask him to stay in the first place?

once again, you remembered the confession letter that you had wrote to him all those years ago. there was a tremble in your hand when you wrote down the last line of that letter, so much that it screwed up the writing and you decided not to send the letter anyway. you glanced at tsukishima’s misty reflection in the fogged up glass of the bus before using your finger to write down that line.

i love you

the words looked like they were suspended in the air and fragile enough to be blown away by the wind. with a swipe of your hand, you could easily erase the message.

and that’s when tsukishima wakes up. 

his sleepy eyes travel from you to the message written on the window and his eyes widen when he realizes what you’ve written down. with a smile, he leans over, and writes a word right under your message.

i love you too

▸ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ◂

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[marginalgloss]

It occurred to me recently that I haven’t posted here for about nine months, and that if you knew nothing about me except for this blog, you might think that it something of a cliffhanger that I ended it on a post about expecting the arrival of my first child. (Or perhaps that would have been an entirely fitting way to end it.) Either way: I am fine, and we are fine, and last November brought the arrival of my son Robin into my life. I have been very busy almost every day since.

There are a couple of cliches about parenting that remain indisputably true. The first is that they grow up so fast. And the second is that nothing prepares you for it. We thought we were entirely ready and pretty well informed but from his delivery onwards nothing went as planned. We thought we’d feed him when he was hungry, and we’d put him to sleep when he was tired; and change his nappies, and play with him, and love him; and what else was there to it, really?

It turns out there is a lot more to it than that. Before Robin I never realised how polarised, how strained and how political people’s feelings are about matters of childcare. We’ve ended up raising him in ways we had never previously considered, partly out of necessity, and partly out of the kind of habits that grow into paths of desire across the days. Consciously or not I judge people who do things differently, and no doubt they judge me too. In spite of the reams of available literature it turns out that for many things — perhaps even most things — there isn’t necessarily a right or a wrong way to proceed.

Here is a third cliche that turns out to be extremely valuable: every baby is different.

The question of literature is a tricky one. In search of assistance I read a few parenting manuals; some of these turned out to be better than others, but I’ve yet to find a good book about what it means to be a father. Most books aimed at new dads are of the ‘pull your socks up’ variety — the kind of thing where the author imagined it thrust upon some feckless deadbeat by a weary spouse. But, being reasonably conscientious, and looking for something with a bit more depth than a guide to how to change nappies, I’ve found most books about parenting have little of interest to say to new fathers.

Being a dad is an odd thing to write about. I’ve read and heard people talk about how new mothers ought to be proud to be joining a kind of grand universal maternal tradition, one which predates even humanity itself. (Animals surely know about babies; witness my cat Louie’s endless patience with Robin’s various attempts to pull his ears off.)

People do not generally talk about the grand traditions of fatherhood in this way. And for good reason: a lot of men today wouldn’t be happy to follow the example of their own fathers, let alone imitate the conditions of detachment and distance that defined fatherhood for centuries. I want to say that expectations of fathers today have never been higher; but this is only because for most of recorded history, we had no expectations of fathers at all. In the space of perhaps two or three generations we have gone from the idea that a father should only have to provide for a child’s upkeep (and not slap them around too much) to a very immediate understanding of dadhood as a central plank of parenthood.

Perhaps a lot of this speaks more to my own insecurities than it does to anyone else’s. Still, I feel like there’s an easy camaraderie between mothers that isn’t apparent between fathers. My wife has developed a little circle of local mums with whom she’s in constant communication, whereas the WhatsApp group we created for the fathers in our NCT group has languished in silence. I don’t really have anyone with whom to compare notes. And what would we say if I did?

The pandemic has put us in an unusual situation. Ordinarily I would have had two weeks’ paid paternity leave, plus any holiday time taken alongside that. So I took three weeks off work — but I’m still working from home every day, as I have been since March 2020. This means that instead of watching me disappear to work five days a week, my son has spent every day of his life together so far with both his parents. I don’t even know where to begin with writing about the way this has changed us; perhaps I won’t know how to talk about it until it comes to an end.

It does mean that parenting feels like it has consumed my life in ways that might not have otherwise been the case. Being at home for so long with a new baby was a remarkable opportunity, and in the early days — through winter and the Christmas lockdown — it didn’t feel like I was missing out on much. Things are a little different now. Every absence independent from my family feels like it requires a negotiation as much with myself as with anyone else. And I don’t only mean literal absences. Someone new has come into my life and they have no tolerance for anything else that might be meaningful to me. So many of the things against which I used to define myself have necessarily had to be neglected.

It goes without saying that I haven’t written much. Whatever free time I have at the moment is normally spent collapsed in an exhausted heap on the sofa, watching TV. I can count the number of books I’ve actually finished in the last eight months on one hand; I have started and set aside perhaps two dozen. I feel very remote from the person who spent several years documenting here every book he finished.

Games have fared a little better. In the early days, when I found myself with some late night hours to myself, I picked up the remastered Bioshock collection. It took me months, but I eventually finished all three: the first game is a masterpiece, the second is a very decent sequel, and the third is probably the greatest missed opportunity in all of gaming. (I ended up writing several thousands of words about the games, over the course of weeks — the only thing of substance I’ve written since Robin was born, in fact — which I since abandoned, in a fit of self-doubt and impatience with my own tortuous style.)

But I mean it when I say that the first game is a masterpiece. I had forgotten just how immensely absorbing it is — a journey into another world that’s less realistic than it is gloriously theatrical. Every time I think about it I feel like I want to replay it again. And it never really occurred to me before that Bioshock is about parenting as much as it is a picture of Objectivism in decay. It hits different now, as the kids say.

While driving over the weekend I passed the word ‘DADDY’ outlined in rich pink flowers, laid in memorial at the centre of a roundabout. It made me flinch. Every time I see that word in whatever context it seems to come with an intimation of departure. And in the same way every time I think about this game it seems laden with the feeling of a dying fall that nobody ever really seems to talk about. You play as a kind of genetically modified clone, returning home to his unwelcoming father and near-absent mother in a demented inversion of the Odysseus tale; and the only good you can do in this world is to rescue the handful of innocents left within it. You have to become a father yourself, in a sense. But your days are numbered.

The ending of the original Bioshock is often written off as a bit of a joke. You fight a deliriously incongruous final boss, and then depending on your actions through the rest of the game, you get to see one of two final sequences. In the bad ending, the denizens of Rapture somehow steal a nuclear submarine, and it’s implied that something very bad follows. But the good ending has more to it than that. You return to the surface, and it’s implied that you adopt some of the Little Sisters you rescued down there as though they were your daughters. There’s a brief montage of scenes from an assortment of lives. A graduation. A marriage. A child reaching for a parent’s hand. And then a death bed. The hands of your daughters reach out for you one last time.

After perhaps twenty hours of gameplay this sequence is perhaps less than a minute long. It feels rushed, awkward, sentimental. But as a coda, it also has the outstanding benefit of being perfectly real.

[jmeelee]

The Boy Next Door written for @averysterekfall​

“Go burn that anger off doing something productive!” His father’s words squeaked past the front door before it slammed. Stiles flew down his porch steps, out onto the walkway, acorns cracking under his stomping sneakers. He halted in front of the garage, stabbed every number into the keypad.

“Why won’t you just let me get my license?!” He’d yelled moments ago. What more did his father want?  Stiles had passed his permit test with flying colors, logged over 100 hours of practice driving, rocked driver’s ed, and taken three private, professional driving lessons.  He was more than ready to get his provisional license, and his father's hesitation was downright insulting at this point.  The garage door rolled up, exposing baby-blue paint inch by inch.

“Hey. What are you doing?” Stiles wheeled around, arms windmilling and heart racing.

The boy next door, Derek Hale, plopped a garbage bin at the curb in front of his house.  Derek and Stiles lived next door to each other for years, since Stiles and his family moved to Beacon Hills when Stiles was five. Only a year apart in age, they’d been close friends once upon a time.  Derek sat with him on the school bus and taught him how to play touch football.  An extra place setting was always available at the Hale family dinner table for when Stiles showed up like an only-child moth drawn to Derek’s large-family flame. But when Derek left Stiles in junior high to move up to Beacon Hills High School, he’d left their friendship behind too. He’d grown muscles and facial hair and a social life that had no room for Stiles anymore.  They still hung out occasionally at neighborhood barbecues, but it wasn’t the same. 

“Jesus, dude. Someone needs to put a bell on you.”

Derek looked down at the bulky garbage can—the kind Stiles knew damn well sounded like rumbling thunder on it’s trip to the curb—and back to Stiles, raising one dark bushy eyebrow.  “What’s wrong?”

“Oh, nothing,” Stiles spit, breathing hard. “Don’t worry about it.”  What would Derek care, anyway?  He and his older sister, Laura, shared custody of a sleek black Camaro.  No one forbade him from taking his road test. And middle-child Derek Hale had no idea how it felt to be the sole beneficiary of an overprotective parent’s ridiculous restrictions.

“Doesn’t seem like nothing,” Derek pressed.  “You stomped out here like you were going to kick someone’s ass.”

Anger and grief settled in Stiles’ lungs like cement. “I’m just out here, admiring my car—” Stiles waved a hand at the 1980 CJ5 Jeep parked in his garage—“which I’ll never be able to drive because my father is a controlling prick.”

Derek cut across his yard until he stood in Stiles’ driveway. “He’s worried about you.  In his line of work, he’s probably seen some terrible accidents, seen the cost of teenagers driving before they were ready.” Stiles rolled his eyes.  “You’re all he has, Stiles. Soon you’ll go away to college, and he won’t see you every day, and a car means he’ll see you less now when he’s probably trying to soak up as much time together as he can. Try not to be too tough on him.”

It wasn’t like Stiles didn’t know those things.  He did. But his mother had left Stiles the Jeep when she died.  She wanted him to have it.  She taught him about the clutch and the gear shift when he was seven years old.  He just wanted to roll down the windows and hear her laugh on the wind again. 

Stiles didn’t have the words to say all that to Derek, so he said, “Ew.  I don’t want to hear your logic, Hale.” He reached into a dark corner of the garage, swatted away some cobwebs and grabbed two rakes with worn wooden handles, and a couple of pairs of work gloves.  “Put up or shut up. I’ve got rage to burn.”

Energy spilled from him like oil from a smashed tanker. Leaves flung into the air.  Within minutes Stiles stood in the center of a thigh-deep pile; immense, immediate progress. It felt good.  He raked on and on, across the yard and back, until a multicolored mountain stood in front of him, the lawn a green swath behind.

Derek came and stood before Mt. Stiles, surveying it thoughtfully.  Then he turned and, without catching himself, fell backward into the leaf pile.  He sprawled comfortably, sinking to the ground, brown, red, orange, and yellow leaves sliding over his handsome face.  Stiles stepped into the pile, sat down cross-legged.  They were in a nest, hidden from the world.  

He looked at Derek and said, “Every day I don’t have my license feels like another day I don’t have her.” He shrugged. “It might be stupid to feel that way, but it’s true.”

Derek’s eyes softened at the memory of Claudia.  “Not stupid at all.” Derek put both hands around Stiles’ waist and pulled him down flat into the leaves with him.

The kiss was long.  And serious.

Stiles stared awestruck at Derek’s stubbled cheek, which pressed against his, and with amazement, brought his lips together to kiss Derek again. To start their second kiss, and choose when to end it.  Derek’s heart raced under Stiles’ palm, and his own picked up speed, keeping pace.

Very slowly, Stiles’ hand crept around Derek’s face, finding the back of his neck where his dark hair lay thick over his pulse.  Derek’s hand, rough-surfaced, gently touched his face.  He brushed the hair from Stiles’ forehead, traced his profile with the pad of his thumb.

“Derek!” Shouted his little sister, Cora, from the porch steps.  “Derek, where are you? Isaac Lahey’s on the house phone.  He says you aren’t answering his texts.” She waited a few moments, and when she didn’t get a response, she reentered the house and slammed the door.

They fell apart, each lying back on the crinkling leaves, staring up a blue, early October sky. “I’d better go take that,” Derek said.

“Sure.  Yeah.  Gotcha.” Stiles agreed.  “That guy’s pretty needy.” Derek huffed a laugh and rolled his eyes. He stood first, brushing leaves off an ass that perfectly filled out his jeans.  He reached down, grabbed Stiles’ hand, and hoisted him to his feet.  Stiles could feel bits of leaf in his hair and down the back of his flannel shirt. 

Derek kept his fingers intertwined with Stiles’, reached out with his free hand, and picked an oak leaf from Stiles’ shoulder. “Can I ask you something, Stiles?”

“Uh.  Sure?” The words came out breathless.

“When you do get your license—and you will—could I be the first person you drive with in your Jeep?”

Stiles ducked his head, overcome, and stared at his feet for a few seconds. He looked back up at Derek from under his lashes.  “Yeah.  I think that can be arranged.”

Derek smiled.  “Can’t wait.” He squeezed Stiles’ hand before letting go.

Stiles’ heart and lungs were working hard enough to power the entire county of Beacon Hills.  Once Derek disappeared inside his house, Stiles picked up his rake again.  Their two bodies had left imprints in the leaf pile, like angels in the snow.  He raked the pile back together, until the prints were hidden, the evidence gone.  Their little secret, at least for now.

If Stiles’ dad found out, he’d probably never let Stiles leave the house, let alone take a road test.

The boy next door, Stiles marveled, touching a finger to his kiss-swollen bottom lip.  Who would have thought he’d be such a cliche? 

Stiles stored the rakes back in the garage and briefly rested his forehead against the Jeep’s spare tire.  “Soon,” he whispered.  The word, the Jeep, and Derek, all held the promise of happiness. “Soon.”

He closed the garage door and went back inside. 

__________

Thank you to @novemberhush​ for reading this over.  This ficlet is based on the first kiss scene from The Face on the Milk Carton 

[dylanlila]

Scrapbooks of flowers

the third photograph: scrapbook of lotuses

"Story to story Building to building Street to street We pass each other on the stairs" - The Stairs, INXS

Revelius Sparks looks pleasant enough. His smile that tries almost too hard not to be a smile, his hands in his pockets and his eyes occasionally offering her an unreadable look. His sweater, on the other hand, looks rather disturbing. Improper. Disheveled. Messy. There are tiny colourful stains all over it (paint?) and there's a little hole on his shoulder. A hole revealing a bright yellow shirt he has underneath. Audrey Claire finds it weirdly comforting unacceptable. Her coming here was also unacceptable. But then again, wasn't that the idea? Wasn't she supposed to be doing something drastically different? And Revelius Sparks is someone she normally wouldn't have crossed paths with. There were days when he would come to school with his longish hair sprinkled with glitter. There were days when he would attend classes in mismatched shoes. Sometimes, he would come wrapped in a giant, ridiculous, red scarf that looked like it came straight out of his grandma's closet. As opposed to that, there were days when he would look completely normal. Jeans, shirts, jackets, neatly crafted hair (suddenly cut short), no glitter in sight. She knows these things because everybody knew them. Everybody might not have particularly enjoyed Revelius Sparks (he seemed to be... too much of... everything, you know?), but everybody knew who he was. Although, apparently, life goes on after high school and people usually turn out to be much more than one dimensional paper dolls once given a chance (at least that's what she's heard and she's trying out new things). So, Audrey Claire stands up from her recently found seat at the coffee shop and softly taps the shoulder of the so called Revelius Sparks, who's the last one waiting in line to order something. Three times, three times barely grazing his improper, disheveled, messy, unacceptable sweater. One. Two. Three. - Hi, I'm Audrey Claire, we used to go to the same high school. It's utterly absurd, the statement, considering how they were the souvenirs of that very same high school weeks not decades ago. Revelius Sparks doesn't seem to acknowledge the absurdity. His eyes are glossy and his cheeks are lightly freckled, she notes. - Oh, hi, I'm so happy to see you. Another absurdity, she thinks. How could you be happy to see somebody that you never properly met? Were never properly introduced to? - Nice seeing you. She mutters and turns around, ready to leave (and avoid any further discomfort). She hears him say something in response, but she's already out of the foreign lands. Task: (technically) failed.

*** She tucks her hair behind her ear a lot. The right one. Or she's been told. She's never actually picked up on it herself. Her hand holding a pen, a paper in front of her. She's only doodling various dresses, dresses she would like to own, dresses she would like to create. She might have been a designer if things were different, but even then, she isn't sure if that would have been the right thing to do. She's supposed to go to law school in the fall and be a lawyer because that's what she was always supposed to do. You are most certainly coming up with assumptions now, something like: "her parents are forcing her into it" or another cliched idea like "she's doing it to honour her late late grandfather Walt who was a lawyer back in the day". Guess what? She isn't doing any of that. Her grandfather's name is not Walt either. It's only something she's always talked about, the only thing she could see herself doing. Fancy blazers, marvellous court rooms... It all seemed extremely Audrey-like. At least, that's who Audrey Claire was at school. She never picked up on it before, just like she never picked up on the hair thing, but Audrey doesn't know how to be Audrey without school. You must think she's mad. Well, she ought to be. Who in their right mind misses school assignments and studying for exams and writing three page essays? Yes, she's going to college to learn, but it's not the same, isn't it? It's more about her future and less about getting gold stars for the sake of her future. And now, when she earned her future, she doesn't have to earn any more gold stars. That's supposed to be a good thing. That is a good thing. The drawings are nice. Fairly simple, but quite nice. She picks them all up and throws them in the pink trash can beside her desk. It's not like anybody is coming to check them out. Audrey crosses her arms, let's herself fall even deeper into the chair and closes her eyes. Next thing she knows, she's dreaming of stars. *** "She's spinning and spinning and spinning. Her dress swirling around her, her feet barely touching the ground. The grass is so green and the sun is so bright and she is spinning. People have forgotten about the beauty of the natural world but she never did. She's coming from whenever, breathing in wherever, she's dreaming of a different age. She's spinning and spinning and spinning and whole, entire, wonderful worlds are spinning along with her." Audrey Claire doesn't know why and how she ended up here. The only thing she's aware of are the words that Revelius Sparks is sharing with her and the rest of the room. She's surprised that the town theatre is open this late in the night, but then again, she's never been to one. Not as a (theoretical) adult at least. Revelius Sparks is sitting on the very edge of the stage, his leg rhythmically swaying to a beat she presumes must be the one only he is able to hear. She can't quite figure out if he's singing, reciting or acting. It might be all three. Once he's finished with his little performance, he gets up, adjusts his funny colourful scarf and smiles. The few people that are in the room are clapping, but it's obvious that he's not smiling at them. It's not that he's smiling "at no one in particular" either. It's more like he's smiling at something that should be there but tragically isn't. Audrey doesn't get up from her seat. Not even when everyone else is gone. She can't move. All she can do is think about these people and how they all were in here together for one fleeting moment. All breathing the same air, all hearing the same words. And now they all went home. They all went home to hear different words and breath different air. They all went home a tad bit different. They all went home and she's still there. *** Audrey keeps visiting the theatre. Her appearances aren't scheduled. Her legs simply decide that the only correct option is to bring her there and she goes along with it and she comes and each time she discovers another way to listen. Another way to be.

Sometimes, she doesn't even pay attention to the meaning of the words spoken by whoever is on stage. It all sounds wonderfully interesting, and the chairs are so wonderfully comfortable and she's so wonderfully there. She isn't the one to explain it, but it feels quite important. Doing something without a clear purpose. Revelius isn't always present. But when he is, he talks? sings? recites? about endless fields full of flowers, souls too free to be kept away and voices too long forgotten not to be heard. Those are all his descriptions and she remembers them because she's good at remembering and she even writes some of them down. She doesn't try to understand them and never does she go through them once they are written. But something about notebooks filled with various little words makes her feel happy and content. Revelius refers to himself as a "wanderer of flowery youths and incadescent hearts". Audrey thinks his "stage name" has no right being that long and of course she finds it (almost) unbearably preposterous but it's also kind of funny and pronouncing it out loud, when she's all alone with nobody but herself to hear, brings her immense joy. It reminds her of all those poems she had to learn for school. She never properly meets Revelius. They never talk, she never looks for him and he never notices her (or anybody else for that matter) while he's fulfilling his duty as a wanderer. They never randomly run into each other. They never have a deep conversation that magically resolves all of their respective issues. They never watch the sunset, buy each other sweet unnecessary expensive things or kiss in the rain till they're both out of breath. They never fall in love. The truth is, Audrey doesn't feel the need to meet him. She's just really really glad that he's around. *** She's dressed in black, but her freshly discovered scarf is screaming in bright yellow. The sidewalk is wet and slippery. People are walking, shouting, running, talking and exchanging. Moving. Her sparkling red suitcase is following her and her brand new shoes are ruined. Her feet are completely soaked. Her hair is a bit messy. She can feel tangled strands of it all over her face. She wasn't expecting rain today. But then again, she didn't exactly plan on paying a visit to the train station, let alone catching an actual train. The city looks different once fall comes. The leaves are crunchy and dressed in various colours. The air is colder. Everyone's cheeks are flushed. Once fall comes, people turn into portable paintings. Audrey takes a few seconds to admire the unlikely art exhibit. Her hand moves to position the scarf around her neck. Too tightly wrapped and a bit crooked it was, she thinks. Exactly three minutes pass and she's in the train, glittery notebook in hand. She doesn't open it, but she recalls the coordinates of each and every word gracing its pages. "What a wonderful collection of incadescent hearts...", she mummers under her breath and the woman across from her shots her a confused look, but Audrey doesn't notice any of it. She's too busy experiencing creations much more pleasant. She lets her head rest against the window frame.

And when her gaze welcomes the glorious landscape on the other side of the glass, her eyes are full of gold coloured stars. "You are beautiful and sad" I said finally, not looking at him when I did. "Just like your eyes. You're like a song I heard when I was a little kid, but forgot I knew until I heard it again." - Maggie Stiefvater

[blake-belladonna-defence-force]

Today is the 15th of October, 2020. Today marks the one year anniversary since I started writing on ao3 and while I know this doesn’t mean much to a lot of people, it means the world to me and I need to get my thoughts out.

I started writing when I was in a really bad place. I was lonely and miserable and I was hurting. I lacked community and I was hurting pretty badly, to be honest. But RWBY had my comfort show, I guess, and the bees were my comfort characters, especially Blake, so writing for them became a sort of... therapeutic thing for me.

See, I can recognise a lot of myself in Blake (minus the abuse). The way she first appears cold and distant, the attempt at keeping her distance from people because she’s scared of hurting them/getting hurt? Her “apathetic” masks that eventually gives way to reveal the biggest dork? An introvert that actually enjoys the company of those she cares for but simply has painful lessons to unlearn? Yeah. I could easily relate to her and seeing a character that reminded me of me grow and change and find her people, the people that truly love her and accept her and support her, was comforting to me. I think that I truly needed to see that, y’know?

So... I wrote my first bee fanfic in October of 2019. I was in a dark place mentally. I wasn’t okay. But... I still loved RWBY. I still loved these characters and I got this idea for Blake and Yang that I thought would be really interesting. I remember suggesting it in a ask to Bloodraven55 but it still wouldn’t leave me alone. So... I decided to write it because if no one else was gonna do it, then I was.

That’s when I found my spark. I know it sounds stupid and cheesy and cliche but it’s true. Writing helped cut through the awful brain fog I suffered from and it helped ground me to the present moment. Suddenly, I had something that made me happy. So I wrote some more. And then a little more. And even more. It became apparent that writing helped me with my mental health. It made me happier. So... I kept doing it and here we are.

Hell, I’ve even made some pretty amazing friends here. I’ve learned, much like Blake, that’s it’s okay to be soft and to love. That I’m allowed to. That it’s not something I have to be scared of... granted, I still struggle with expressing and accepting affection but hey! One day at a time.

(As you can probably imagine, seeing Blake, whom I relate to a lot, get a song like Touch the Sky made me very emotional because that song hits hard and is very real for me. It is definitely the most important song to me in the entire RWBY soundtrack across all of the volumes and I tear up every time I hear it before belting that shit despite having a shitty singing voice.)

I still suffer though mental health issues. I still don’t know why I am the way I am. Happiness is an uphill battle for me. It doesn’t come easy. But writing and being a part of this community has helped me grow as a person so much. I’m happier than I was this time last year. More confident and outgoing, even though I still feel unsure and insecure a lot of the time. I still have a long fucking way to go... but I’m far away from the lonely person I used to be.

I know that there are some toxic parts of the FNDM. Hell, even some parts of the Bumbleby fandom can be toxic. I know that some folks call bee shippers toxic. But I’ve seen so much love and support from this community. So much acceptance and kindness. From me coming out as being on the non-binary spectrum, to me discovering that I’m an (sapphic? Women orientated?? I don’t fucking know what to call it??? Women are just really pretty and nice and cute and neat!) orientated aroace. I’m actually starting to tear up as I write this but, um... this community truly does mean a lot to me and I am immensely grateful to be a part of it. It’s nice here, in this little corner of the internet that I’ve found. I think I’ll stay here for as long as I can.

So... uh... in conclusion... thank you. For giving me a place to just be and exist without apology. For giving me an opportunity to find people like me, to form friendships that are truly wonderful. And I guess I just want to say that it does get better. It’s scary and maybe it takes a bit of time but it does get better.

Alright. Yep. That’s it. Don’t know how to sign off from this so... my apologies for the overall sap 😅

[mikey-the-little-poet]

Crossover with @hopelessxshadow

#1 Strangers [complete version]

To the stranger on the other side, 

Your words have been ringing in my mind

for quite some while

and made me smile.

And even though I don't know your name,

How you live and for what you aim,

I sometimes feel like we're two of a kind.

So tell me, are you in for a ride?

A possible friend, hello!

What would you like to know?

I too have been touched

By your expressions, you say so much

Yes, I’m in!

Where do we begin?

This could be something new

A way to get to know you

I could be boring and cliche

And be asking for your name per se

However, I like to be a bit of a mystery

So I won't ask about the typical personal history

So no questions about cats and dogs

And if it is allowed to wear sandals with socks.

Since I would rather love to know

What inspires you to let your wings grow

And to pick up the pen at night

Tell me, stranger, for what do you fight?

I may not interested you at first

Though later on I might insert

All what interests me

Something I can guarantee

For what do I fight?

With my ideas bright at night

I’m inspired by my heart

That sometimes tears apart

I’m inspired by my mind

That shout thoughts unkind

I’m inspired by memories

Even ones with treachery

How about you?

What makes you pursue

It's nothing noble, it's nothing new

What keeps me awake at night like you.

There is something that I regret

And the mere thought of it makes me sweat.

So I picked up the pen to find some release

Even if it's just a temporary illusion of peace

I simply want the world to know

That it doesn't matter where you go

There will be someone who cares for you

Though some people may want to argue

Cause sometimes you have to be that someone

When anybody else is gone.

And I know it's hard and it doesn't seem right

But i guess that's the reason why I fight

It's a reminder to myself to keep going on

To create my own place to belong

To accept that the world isn't fair,

And some people won't choose to stay there.

But enough of this gloomy subject

Why don't you tell me what I can expect?

What is your aim, what is your goal

What is it that makes you loose control?

Would you mind to describe them to me

The person that you want to be?

My aim? I never thought of

Though if I had to, self love

I struggle with it a lot

Someday maybe, for now I cannot

A goal? Again, my thoughts run dry

Though I will try

Maybe to be acknowledged as a writer

It is my passion after all, my fire

Many things make me lose control

Music, for example, that touches my soul

And scrawling my expressions

As if it were confessions

Want I want to be?

I hardly know me

I struggle with my identity

I know for sure I’m an entity

Before I thought I knew

Then I had a breakthrough

To take care of myself first

Before my health gets worse

Enough about me

And what I want to be

How about you?

What are your views?

Tell me some things about yourself

What inspires you to propel?

Me? - there are a lot of things that I'd like to be

So I will only list a few

To give your an idea of what I value:

I would like to be compassionate and kind

Someone who wouldn't mind

If they have to pick you up in middle of the night

And i want to be loyal and true

Someone who wouldn't deny you

And would always have your back in a fight

Eventually, I want to be honest and wise

Someone who can look you in the eyes

And call you out on your bullshit if your actions aren't justified.

To become such a person is my aim

And even though my efforts may be in vain

I'll never give up on this dream

Regardless of how childish it may seem:

I believe that we shouldn't assume but ask

Because you'll never know if someone's smile is just a mask.

I believe we should try to learn what we don't understand;

Who knows, some stranger may turn into a friend.

I guess tolerance is what the world really needs,

And it is on us to plant these seeds.

So I'll try to figure out what I can do

To make this world a better place for people like me and you.

And this goal is gigantic and I may be naive,

But this is what I want to achieve.

So let me ask you, my stranger turned friend:

Would you mind lending me a hand?

Hello friend! Yes I will

And I agree with what you spill

Assumptions make the mind run heavy

With miscommunication it can get messy

We need more compassion and kindness too

Maybe then, things can become anew

It’s not naive, nor too immense

The world has gotten too intense

So much hate and agony

We’re in need of empathy

It is draining our energy

Though I know we can change reality

Little by little we can

Just in need of a plan

Though we should recruit

Let’s not have our voices mute

[teamhappyme]

a series of promising events (4/5)

aaron hotchner x female!reader

word count: 6.7k

a/n: happy new year!! we’ve made it to part 4! this part differs from the 3 previous ones, as it takes place all in one (and a half) days. But there are flashbacks, represented with italics. if anything is confusing with the timeline, or anything else is confusing you in general, please let me know! my brain is a weird place and does not connect the dots when i post for a public audience. i hope you guys enjoy this part, it was really fun for me to write!

get ready, let’s go friends!

here are the links to part 1, part 2, & part 3

****

October 2012

“Some people care too much. I think it’s called love.” - Winnie the Pooh

You’re known for your predictability. Yes, you’re overly kind, extremely perceptive, and a little bit of a literary genius. But those closest to you knew the predictability of your life.

You craved routine. You woke up at 5:30 every morning, had breakfast, watched the news, and caught up on some domestic things before heading into the office. You stopped at the same bagel cart every morning, an Asiago bagel with butter for you and a coffee for Spencer. Monday’s, you treated the whole team. You got to work at 7:12, second only to Hotch. 

The team knew how you would react to every case. Missing or dead children would cause you to go silent, families being the target would choke you up, and anything including a scumbag with a signature kill made you nauseous. 

So it was safe to say they were more than surprised to find out that you’d left for a month long european holiday, from an email, with Strauss cc'd on it. The team couldn’t remember the last time you went on vacation, because you hadn't gone further than two hours in one day. 

In your travels through Europe, you stopped in countries that you’d only dreamt about visiting in your dreams. You saw Nyhavn, Denmark, the colorful canal right outside of Copenhagen. Hopped through Warsaw and Gdansk in Poland, before being silenced by your tour of Auschwitz. Next was France, the country you always said you would flee to once you aged out of the system. Besides hitting all the touristy attractions in Paris, you traveled through the alps, and made sure you stopped to see Giverny, the little village that inspired Claude Monet and his water lily paintings. The last true destination was Spain, jumping at the chance to flex your spanish minor muscles. You roamed Barcelona and Madrid, feeling a little like the Cheetah Girls as you stood in front of La Sagrada Familia.

The more you travelled, the more you’d thought about quitting. Thought about sending your resignation to Strauss through an email, leave your desk full of the mementos and picture frames, and continue falling in love with the continent you’d never been to before. 

But then you made your final stop in London, to the sister who you missed immensely, and lost the nerve entirely.

“You’ll regret leaving them for the rest of your life,” Emily said to you, and you wondered for a second if she was projecting her decisions onto you. 

“They don’t deserve me.” You’d mumbled out, just loud enough for her to hear. “I can’t continue on like this.”

You’d given the team everything you had for seven and a half years. The job demanded personal sacrifices you never thought you’d be capable of, until you met the people who signed on for this before you. The people who shared the same commitment to helping others, the responsibility to improve the world around them before the one that housed them. It was the first time you felt at home in your quarter century existence.

But the work never seized. The jet began to feel more like home than your apartment, hotel beds provided more comfort than your own pillow covered mattress. And no matter how many people you saved, no amount of gratification from loved ones could quell the loneliness building back inside you.

So you listened to Emily, and came back to the states on your original return flight, October 23, 2012. You returned to the real world in less than seventy-two hours and promised Garcia you would brush up on the next case before debriefing on Monday morning. 

You were betting on the fact that the team wasn’t lingering around the office, considering it was seven thirty on a friday night as you headed up in the elevator, fresh off your flight from the UK. The last thing you wanted was someone to corner you, when all you wanted to do was sleep off the lingering memories of your last night here. 

The glass doors leading into the BAU gave you a view of the bullpen; empty. Opening the door, you walked over to your desk, quickly glancing around the other spaces to see if anything had changed. It hadn’t.

Grabbing the files Garcia left on your desk and your car keys from the drawer, you tidied up the space the tiniest bit. You made sure everything was squared off to your monitor, updating the days passed on your desk calendar. You wrote a reminder on a yellow sticky to thank Reid for watering your small desk plant and stuck it to the screen for Monday. Everything looked like it was in its place, until you saw a blue stress ball sitting on your chair. Your head whipped up to the office at the top of the stairs, but the lights were off and the door shut. He wasn’t here. 

But you could feel the stare of his eyes from four weeks ago on you just the same.

You guys were working a local case in the District. 

The unsub had murdered three men, each with one shot to the head execution style. There were no signs of torture, and all three men were found with their eyes closed and arms crossed over their torsos; signs of remorse. 

It took the team thirty hours to stick the profile and find the woman responsible. Her name was Kathryn Downey, a forty two year old mother of three, with a law degree that hadn’t been used in fifteen years. After digging into the victims personal lives and her own, the motive and stressor became clear to everyone; her husband had cheated on her. 

You found Kathryn with a gun pointed to her husband’s head, his hands and feet duct taped, and a strip around his mouth keeping him silent. 

Her hands were shaking, and you knew from the second you saw her that she didn’t want to kill him. She was angry, and full of rage, but she wouldn’t be able to follow through with this.

As long as you use the right language.

“Kathryn, put the gun down, we’re with the FBI.” Hotch started in a calm voice, but she shook her head, hands shaking faster. 

“No. I have to do this. He,” She took a breath, pushing the hair out of her face with her free hand. “He has to pay.”

You glanced at Aaron before taking a step closer, slowly lowering your weapon. She needed to feel safe, and she needed to feel like an equal. 

“Kathryn, my name is y/n l/n. I’m with the Behavioral Analysis Unit from the FBI. I really want to help you through this situation, so I’m going to put my gun down, alright?” You slowly lowered the gun to the ground, kicking it back gently to Hotch. 

“Now Kathryn, I know your children are here. I don’t want anything to happen to them, and I know you don’t either, so could you tell me where they are so we can help them?” 

“In the basement, I locked them in the basement. I didn’t want them to,” She let the thought end, not wanting to manifest it into the universe. She didn’t want them to see their mother kill their father.

Hotch spoke gently into the comms, getting Morgan and Rossi down to the kids. 

“Kathryn, I want to know why we’re here in this situation. I’ve read the file, I profiled you and your family, but I want to know your side of the story. Why are you holding a gun to your husbands head?”

Her eyes widened in the slightest, and you were sure it was from the empathy in your voice. But this was your specialty, and you were determined to talk this woman down. 

“He cheated on me,” She whispered, and for a split second, you thought this was going to be easy. But then she pressed the gun harder into his head, and let out a low laugh. “After everything I’ve done for this family, for him, he just takes his pants off for another woman?”

You heard the safety click off, and Hotch’s own in return. Please do not end in a shootout.

“Kathryn, don’t look at him. Don’t think about him kneeling in front of you. Just focus on me. Tell me how you got to this moment right now.”

“How did I get to this moment? I got here by following around this sad excuse for a man for the last twenty years. Like a moth to a flame, I couldn’t escape this life of mine.” Her eyes started to water, and you internally sighed. You were getting somewhere. “I have a law degree, you know. Fifth in my class at Columbia, and I only used it for a year. And it was in sleazy corporate law. Because I got married, and I got pregnant, and Sean wanted someone to stay home with the kids.

“I went from the intelligent corporate attorney with her eyes set on the attorney general’s office, to a cliche housewife who spends her days cleaning and dotting on her husband and kids. I never wanted to be this woman,” She closed her eyes, letting the tears fall down her face freely. She looked so young in this vulnerable state, too young to have three children. Yet she looked so tired, and so defeated. “I gave up everything for this family. I gave up my career, friends, bucket list dreams, and a life that was waiting to be lived, for this man. I cater to his every need, I listen to him drone on about work, assure him when he’s feeling anxious, and give in when he needs a release. I am my children’s rock; when they need a shoulder to cry on I’m there in a second. They need help with their math homework, I’m the number one girl. But when it’s my turn to fall apart, when it’s my turn to be lifted up and supported, nobody is there for me. And he should be able to be there for me.”

If you hadn’t undergone intense training at Quantico, you would’ve been in tears by now. You empathized with this woman more than you should, and you were trying so desperately to help her out of this situation. So you continued to dig your fingernails into your palms, and spoke again. 

“I know what you’re feeling, Kathryn.”

“You don’t know what I’m feeling!” Wrong move. She ripped the gun away from her husband and fixed the trigger on you. Hotch moved so that he was only one step behind you, trying to get her to lower the gun. “You have no idea what this is like!”

“I do, Kathryn. I promise you I do. I may not be a wife, or a mother, but I know what it’s like to give yourself completely to a person. I know what it’s like to hold onto the stress and fears of the people you love. I understand, because I’m this person too.

“People like you and me, we feel the need to be the emotional support for everyone we love. We never want to see them struggle, and we never want to see them in pain. So, we listen. We overcompensate to make them feel better, and we check in regularly to make sure they’re okay. Our happiness, as strange and sad as it may be, is directly linked to theirs. We can’t be happy unless they’re happy. But once they come out of their depression, once they thank us for being the light in their lives, they walk away, and take the happy rainbow with them. And they don’t leave any for us.” Tears continued to fall down her face, but you needed to go further. She was going to break if you kept going. “Kathryn, I was in your position not long ago. I remember what it feels like when you realize that the love you have for someone won’t be reciprocated. That after everything you’ve done for them, all the small moments that you succeeded in taking their grief away and bringing happiness back into their life, they still don’t appreciate you. And it’s heartbreaking.

“But I’m standing across from you today, on the other side of that pain, trying to tell you that it gets better. It doesn’t go away, but it gets a hell of a lot better, Kathryn. So please, do not let this one moment that you couldn’t take the pain away ruin all the times you did.” 

You expected the tears. You expected an emotional end to this situation. You didn’t expect Kathryn Downey to drop her gun in the middle of the room, and collapse onto you. But that’s exactly what she did. And instead of letting go to untie her husband, instead of joining Hotch in cuffing her, you held her for a minute. You held her breaking heart in your hands, and tried your hardest to take away all her fears and pain for once in her life. 

After a minute, you pulled away and grabbed a hold of her upper arm. She gave you a slight nod, knowing this is what was always going to happen. You led her down the stairs and into the back of a squad car, as Aaron helped the husband to his children once outside of the house. 

You were leaning against the suburban that you came in, watching as the team debriefed with the local pd before being dismissed. But amongst the chaos, Hotch found your eyes, and gave you a knowing look. One that meant you were going to talk through the very personal negotiation you gave.

The team arrived back at the office just shy of ten o’clock, Penelope waiting for Derek at the elevator. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder as you led the gang into the bullpen, everyone dropping their go bags at their desks. 

You lingered for a moment as Hotch made his way up to his office, knowing you’d be joining him in a few seconds. You grabbed your blue stress ball, complimentary from the C.A.L.M. department meeting, as through the curtains you could see him drop his bag before checking his phone for any messages from Jack.

“L/n,” Here it comes. “Can I talk to you in my office please?”

You and Spencer shared a look, and he gave you a comforting smile in return. You took the steps two at a time to his office, and shut the door behind you once you arrived. He was standing behind his desk, so you didn’t feel the need to sit yourself.

You waited for him to speak, since he was the one that called you in. It was a little childish, but you weren’t the one who wanted the discussion.

“I want to talk about the negotiation.”

“I thought it was pretty successful. I empathised, I got her to drop her weapon, and no one was injured in the process.”

“Y/n, you know that’s not what I meant.” He uncrossed his arms, letting out a sigh. The two of you were too exhausted to have this conversation, but that wasn’t going to stop Hotch from going on. “I told you that you could lean on me when it all became too much.”

“That was six years ago, Hotch.” Defensive, but not rude. A fine line. “And this wasn’t about work, this was personal. You’re not obligated to listen to our personal issues that take place outside the office.”

“And you are?” Stop spinning my words, Hotchner. “I know you, y/n. This isn’t just something that can be brushed back under the rug.” You scoffed. “You don’t know me.”

“Excuse me?”

“You don’t know me, Hotch. None of you do. You know my file. You know that I got a full ride to Bowdoin, that I was a social worker before transferring here, and that most of my life before eighteen was sealed away. I confided in you six years ago about my childhood and now you think you know me?”

“Why are you getting so defensive?”

“I’m not-” You paused, knowing that if you finished that statement it would, in fact, be defensive. “I’m just really tired and I don’t want to be having this conversation right now.”

“It’s not healthy for you to keep everything in while people spill their lives to you. And you know that.”

“Hotch,” You warned, your exhaustion quickly turning into rage.

“What, you really think I’m just going to drop this after hearing you confess to a serial killer that you have no joy in your life? And now you’re going to try and convince me that I don’t know anything about you? Bullshit, y/n. I know that you talk to your foster siblings every sunday to check in and make sure they’re all doing okay. I know that you volunteer with Garcia to help the families of victims cope with their loss. I know that you cling to Spencer like gum wherever you go to make him feel less insecure in a bar.”

“Stop it,”

“I know that your favorite color is purple, that you still write articles for CNN and The Times under a pseudonym. And I know, more than anything in the world, you want to be the mother that you never got to have.”

“Stop it!” You threw the blue ball into his builtins, hitting one of his stupid administrative awards in the process. He didn’t even flinch. “You don’t get to know me like that.”

“Why not?” You let out a low laugh as tears started to fill in your eyes. He was oblivious, and that's what made it hurt even more. You cracked your knuckles for a few seconds, waiting for him to connect the words you spoke at the Downey house and your frustration with him in this moment.

But his face softened, the wrinkles disappeared from his forehead, and you knew he figured it out. He didn’t need to say the words for you to know exactly what was going through his head. But he was with Beth, and you were not going to interfere. This wouldn’t change anything.

“It’s late, I should head home. I’ll get you my report before monday.”

You left his office without saying goodnight, and you tried to ignore the rest of your team huddled around Morgan’s desk, pretending not to be eavesdropping. But they totally were. 

Instead you grabbed your bags, giving Spencer a reassuring smile as his gaze lingered on you for a second longer. You had no intentions of turning around to see Hotch’s face. But if you had, you would’ve seen the same heartbroken expression across his face, realizing he let you walk away.

You tore your eyes away from the office, not wanting to relive the memory any longer. You stashed the stress ball under your monitor before turning out the light, and making your way back to the elevator.

Once you were settled back in your apartment, you sent a text to Reid and JJ, letting them know you got in okay and that you’d see them at the office on Monday. After getting a thumbs up and a ‘glad you’re home’ in response, you turned in for the night, trying to dream of nights in Paris and Barcelona instead of at the BAU.

---

It was hard for you to get back in the routine of consulting and profiling. Garcia had left you copies of three cases the team was going to be working on when you returned, and you’d barely worked through the first one in two hours. 

Three teenagers went missing from their small town in Idaho, and all were found in Seattle in the same week. Of course, your first case back included kids. 

You resorted to calling Spencer when you really had no idea where to begin. You felt like a rookie all over again, asking for help when creating a geographical profile or running new negotiation tactics. But your best friend was quick to help, assuring you that once you got back to the office, you’d fall back into the routine.

“Did you have a good time?” He finally asked, albeit apprehensively. You didn’t leave on the best terms with anyone, and they all seemed to know what pushed you over the edge.

“I did. It’s amazing to know that there is a whole other world out there that we don’t even know about. It’s so different over there, Spence. It’s peaceful, and beautiful, and everything the place you call home should be.”

You could hear the intake of breath over the line. “Does that mean you’re moving to Spain?” A smile crossed your lips just thinking about Barcelona. But, it wasn’t home.

“This is my home, Spencer. I’m not leaving anytime soon.” You left out the part about contemplating a new life for the better part of three weeks, knowing it would only cause him more paranoia. You were staying in Quantico, continuing what you were born to do.

After drafting a rough profile and reviewing family statements, you took a break from the paperwork staring back at you all morning. 

You made your way into the kitchen to find something for lunch, the afternoon approaching quick. All you really wanted to do was crash on the couch and watch old movies for hours, until monday morning inevitably rolled around. Selfishly you wanted your vacation to last forever. But your mind, and your bank account, thought differently.

After consuming a sandwich and some chips, you brought back the fresh mug of hot chocolate to the kitchen table, ready to take on the second file. Two women raped, tortured, and murdered outside of Miami. Why the fuck did it always have to be Florida.

Halfway through the family statements, there was a knock at your door. You grabbed your gun from the side table, just in case. Only three people had a key to your apartment. One of them was in England, one you just got off the phone with, and one… you didn’t exactly know where you stood with him.

After checking the peephole and seeing Hotch on the other side, you let out a sigh of relief. No one is coming to muder you. But it was quickly replaced with the memories of your last encounter, and the unspoken realization of feelings unrequited.

You placed your gun back on the table, and unlocked the door for him. He was wearing a navy blue quarter zip, jeans, and sneakers, the ultimate Aaron Hotchner not on duty look. It made your heart beat just a little faster noticing his hair was free of any gel, flopping naturally as he walked. 

“Hi,” You greeted him, half of you hidden behind your front door. 

A shadow of a smile crossed his lips, and he placed his hands in his pockets. “Hi. I’m sorry for stopping by unannounced. I know you must be tired and getting ready for Monday.”

“No, it’s okay. Did you want to come in?” You opened the door a little more, stepping out to show your sweatpants and sweatshirt look from behind the door.

“Thank you.” He murmured as he walked through the entrance, moving to take off his shoes. You told him a million times that you didn’t follow that rule, and that you hated it when people made their guests remove their shoes. But he told you once that it was a sign of comfort, that he felt at ease in someone else's home.

“Can I get you something to drink? I have some tea bags left over I think, or I can make you a cup of coffee.”

“No, I’m okay.” 

“Are you sure? It’ll only take a second. Oh, are you hungry? I still have some sealed crackers from before I left, might have something in the freezer if-”

“Y/n,” He interrupted you and you stopped in the middle of your path to the kitchen. “I’m fine.”

“Okay,” You nodded, making your way back to the living room. “Oh, I um, got something for Jack while I was in England with Emily. I know it’ll probably keep him holed up in his room for a week, but I couldn’t resist.” 

You pulled out the bag of souvenirs you got for the team, grabbing the London attractions lego set you bought for the young boy. Aaron smiled when you handed it to him, knowing the two of them would no doubt be starting this when he got home. 

“You didn’t have to get this for him. But he’s gonna love it.” 

“I know.” You reached in the bag once more, pulling out the gift you got for Aaron. “And I know you’ll probably never wear this, but I had to get it for you.”

He opened the box, a british flag tie on the inside. He couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his lips, the tacky gift really meaning a lot to him. “Thank you. I can honestly say this is the most unique gift I’ve ever received.”

“Glad to hear it.” You tucked your foot underneath you as you settled onto the couch, letting Aaron set the gifts aside. You knew what conversation was coming next, but you didn’t have the courage to start it. Especially since he was the one to come to you.

He settled in on the couch, a cushion between the two of you, a clear boundary that he’d set. 

“Did you enjoy your time over there?” 

“I had a really great time. I can’t believe I’d gone thirty two years without leaving the country. You don’t realize how much of the world there is to see until you go and uncover a small fraction of it.”

He smiled while beginning to pick at his fingernails. This was a new tell of his, he was usually extremely reserved with his anxiety. “You sound like Emily.” 

“I’m going to take that as a complement.” You said with a small laugh, adoring the woman across the ocean. 

“It is. She called me a few days ago, told me you guys had a nice visit.” 

“We did. Prentiss knows how to have a good time no matter the city. It was a little too much for me, though.” 

“Nobody can quite keep up with Emily.” He added before letting out a breath.

“She also told me that you were contemplating leaving the BAU.” There goes the first shoe, dropping from the ceiling. “Are you still thinking of quitting?”

“No.” It was the truth. Em had spoken some sense into you, and you knew deep down, like you told Spencer, this was your home. “I just needed a break from everything. And Europe was an amazing distraction. But I’m back, and ready to get back into the swing of things.”

He nodded, some tension slowly released from his shoulders. He couldn’t lose another member. It was too soon.

“Was it because of me?” 

“What?” Even though you were expecting this conversation, it still caught you off guard. 

“I’m not conceited enough to think you fled to another continent because of a fight, but is that what pushed you over the edge? What led you to want to quit the BAU?”

In a word, yes. The argument was the last straw on the camel's back. You’d spent years with this unit, fulfilling a destiny that you made up for yourself so that you wouldn’t feel guilty for not having a family or friends to confide in. You spent the better part of the last three years pining for a man you couldn’t have, trying to fill the holes in your life by playing pretend. So yes, it was Hotch that pushed you over the edge. But you learned a hell of a lot about yourself in those four weeks.

“Hotch, did you know that this was the first time I went on an airplane for my own enjoyment? This was the first vacation I’ve been on in my life. I booked a flight on a Thursday night that left at six a.m. the next morning. I was spontaneous, and in control of all the moves I would make for the next thirty days. I’ve never felt more liberated in my life.

“But then I landed in Copenhagen, and had an anxiety attack. I can’t speak Danish, I have no idea how to get around a new country, and I only had thirty dollars in cash to my name. And the only thing I could think of to help me get through it, was calling you. I had your contact pulled up, ready to call you and tell you what a stupid fucking mistake I made. But then I could hear your voice in my head, saying ‘I know you’, and I’d never turned my phone off faster.”

“Y/n,” He sounded exhausted himself, but you weren’t going to give in to the apologies. Not yet.

“I had the time of my life there. I went to places that I never thought I’d get to see in my life. Places that my foster parents told me I’d never be important enough to go to. But I made it. I made it to Giverny, and I saw what inspired Claude Monet to paint the Water Lilies series with my own eyes. I went inside La Sagrada Familia and walked on the steps that Gaudi dreamt of. I saw everything I wanted to, and I wept every place I went to. Because I got myself there. I persevered and worked my ass off my whole life, to get there. I didn’t have any parents, I didn't have any siblings, a spouse, or children. I did it all by myself, and it felt pretty amazing to accomplish that.

“No one knows me like I do.” You finished. Your walls were back up starting to feel secure in your own skin again. 

He stayed silent for a few minutes, maintaining eye contact with you the entire time. He was calculating his response, trying to formulate the perfect response to get the two of you back on track. It was exhausting watching his brain work, and you wondered how tired he must always be.

After another minute, he sighed and dropped his hands into his lap. “Beth and I broke up two weeks before you left.” The other shoe had dropped.

“What?” For the second time tonight, you were rendered speechless by Aaron Hotchner. This was not the response you were expecting, and not the news you expected to hear anytime soon. The two of them were obsessed with one another, how could they just end it?

“We ended it two weeks before your trip. She accepted a job in Kyoto, and didn’t want to string me along with long distance. But she also said she knew my heart wasn’t in it anymore.”

You stood up from the couch, not being able to sit still with this new information. Hotch and Beth were no longer together, he said all those things to you as a single man, understood what you felt for him, and still let you walk out of his office. For four weeks. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” It was his turn to stand, still leaving enough distance between the two of you to continue your pacing. 

“Don’t deflect to another conversation.” 

“You’re the one that brought it up!”

He sighed, running a hand through his perfectly shaggy hair. “I don’t want to have this conversation with you again. So please, get it through your thick skull when I tell you that I know you. And I don’t mean that on a bureaucratic superior level. I know you, y/n. And just because you’ve been alone your whole life, doesn’t mean you deserve to be alone for the rest of it.” 

Your eyes started to water, so you looked away, gluing your line of sight to the wall next to you.

“You give us all one hundred and ten percent of your attention when we need you. And when I say all of us, that includes Jack and Henry. I’ve never met someone so intune to another person's feelings, who exudes so much empathy with one look and a smile. And we’ve taken you for granted for seven and a half years. Me the most.” Your eyes found his brown ones, begging you to continue looking at him. “I couldn’t have gotten through Haley’s death without you. And that is the biggest understatement of the decade. I am eternally grateful for all that you’ve done for me and Jack. But at the same time, I’m so sorry that it pushed me further and further away from you.”

His own eyes started to water, and he choked out a laugh. “What you said to Kathryn Downey, about giving yourself completely to a person and not getting the love reciprocated. I felt like an absolute idiot for not realizing that you felt the same way I did.” You closed your eyes with his confession, letting the tears roll down your cheeks. 

“There were so many times I wanted to tell you. But then Haley took Jack, and Foyet came, and the world got away from me. And I’m so sorry that you’ve felt the need to carry all our problems on your own.”

“Hotch, you don’t have to apologize.”

“Please, don’t call me Hotch right now.” He took a step toward you. “It’s Aaron, when I’m standing in front of you, begging you to just let me in.”

“I don’t,” Your voice cracked, and you rubbed your hands over your face in frustration. “I don’t know how to let someone love me.”

“I know,” He took another step closer. “You’re just going to have to trust me when I tell you I’ve been in love with you for years.”

He didn’t see the rest of your tears fall, because you threw yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his neck and burying your face in his shoulder. His arms found their place around your waist, pulling you two impossibly close.

“I love you, Aaron.” You could feel him laughing with his chest pressed against your own, and he moved to kiss the side of your head. 

“I love you.” He whispered back, causing the last of your tears to fall onto his sweatshirt.

He started to pull away, just enough to get a look at your face. His eyes were no longer filled with tears, but his cheeks still glistened when the light illuminated the damp spots on his face. He brushed a piece of hair behind your ear, letting his knuckles gently graze your temple. You caught his hand in the middle of his movement, lacing your fingers with his own. You’d been dying to know what it felt like to hold his hand like this for years, when you found yourself comforting him in his office one night, lightly holding his hand in yours. But this was so much better.

“You good?” He asked, and the corners of your mouth turned up the slightest. 

“I’m good.” He traced the lightest check mark on your laced hands, causing a true smile to grace your face.

“You have a tally to see who can make me smile the most?” 

“It’s just mine. Been keeping it for years. But I’m always in the lead.”

You laughed while letting go of his hand, wrapping your arms back around his neck. His eyes flickered to your lips for a second before looking back at you. You gave him a small nod, knowing he was asking for your permission. 

When his lips met yours, you knew this was the feeling that all the fairytales sang about. He was gentle at first, slotting your upper lip between his own. It was slow, and full of love from the years of knowing one another inside and out. He bit your lower lip softly, barely there, and you slowly parted your lips, letting him trace your tongue with his own. 

All you could think about was how warm he was, how his breath was actively leaving his lungs and entering your own as if you were one person. It was all consuming, and you were grateful that he took the lead, because you couldn’t focus on anything but him.

His hands slipped under your sweatshirt, resting on the skin just above your hips. You let out a small gasp as his cold fingers made contact with the sensitive skin, but it only made him laugh into the kiss. 

After a few more moments of getting lost in the feel of one another, you reluctantly pulled away, needing air to fill up your lungs. But Aaron didn’t go far, gently resting his forehead against your own. 

“I love you. And I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to stop telling you.” You closed your eyes and tilted your head up, slowly kissing him again. 

“I’ll never get sick of hearing it.” You mumbled, your lips still grazing his own. He smiled into the kiss, which only made your heart glow brighter and brighter the more he showed you how he felt.

You pulled away first, tracing the outline of his jaw with your thumbs. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” He tilted his head to the side, just enough to press a kiss to the palm of your hand. 

The tenderness this man exudes is beyond belief. “I really love you, Aaron.”

He laughed while pressing a kiss to your forehead. “I’m glad to hear that.”

You let him hold you for what felt like an eternity, but in reality was only a few minutes. “I promised Jack I would take him out for ice cream to make up for missing his soccer game last night.” 

“Okay,” You said and started to pull away, but his grip on your waist only tightened.

“Really? You’re just gonna let go without a goodbye?” You laughed at his fake hurt expression, so incredibly happy that you get to see Aaron in this light, enjoying his son, his life, and you. 

“I’m not about to stand in the way of Jack Hotchner and a sugar rush. That guy loves his sugar.”

He let go of your waist, but not without a light squeeze to your sides. “I know we literally just started this, but I really would like to tell him. I don’t want to keep any more secrets from him than I have to.”

You smiled at the thought of Aaron telling Jack how in love the two of you were. It made you feel complete, in a way you never thought you’d get to experience in your life.

“Tell him. As long as he doesn’t blab about it to anyone on the team just yet.” 

“You sure?” You nodded while passing him the souvenirs as he slipped his sneakers back on. 

“Aaron, he’s your son. I’ve loved him as long as I’ve loved you, maybe even longer.”

He stood up once again, that stupid smile not willing to leave his face any time soon. 

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” 

“Must’ve been something pretty good.” You said with a laugh, which he silenced by placing his lips on yours. You hoped the butterflies you felt now would be there every time he kissed you, no matter how many years have passed. 

“Like that.” You said once he pulled away. His dimples were showing now, and you wished that you could take a picture of him in this happy moment and remember it for the rest of your lives. 

“I’ll call you tonight.” He said and opened the front door. 

“Okay. Have fun, tell Jack I said hi.” 

“I will.” He kissed your cheek before starting the walk back down the hallway. He didn’t even make it halfway before turning around, and giving you one final kiss in the doorway. 

“Love you,” He said and gave you one more peck, before you shoved his shoulder. “I love you too. Now get outta here, Hotchner.”

****

tags: @simplyprentiss @michaelahah @ssahotchner99 @svrgicalhands @hotchtopic @unionjackpillow @philcoolson @tommhollandzxhaz @kathleenjasmine @canimarrypizzaornah @reaperwalking @inlovewithaaronhotchner @shelbymm11 @mrshotchner23 @tropicalwrites @averyhotchner @dreamy-moments @softhxtch @crazymar15 @theinsanespaceship15 @wecouldbreakthedistance @jeor @funnycuteandannoying @andherestograce @thisisntjuliana @captwilson @kennedyblair @lovelysunflowerxoxo @rcompton @iifaequeenii @iwaizumiee @mrsaaronh0tchner @abbeyannsmith-blog @becausehello @rinacriedpower @ssa-raye @ephemeral-barnes @slxtherinchxser @baueoud @lieswithoutfairytales @hug-a-bug-boo @blogmythoughts @freebanditghostcalzone @sugarbutterbailey

[dreaming-of-assclass]

Oooooo if 3-E were supernatural creatures who would be what 👀👀👀

Oooohh this is interesting to think about! I’m sorry, I don’t know a lot haha so I did some research to have more options!!

Karma: Demon

I feel like I don’t need to elaborate on this too much lmao. The boy is mischievous, LOVES to mess with mortals for no reason. When he’s feeling a particularly strong emotion, usually rage, excitement, etc, his eyes glow a shade of yellow-gold (like what canon showed)

Isogai: Demi-God

His crazy perfection in everything has to come from somewhere. His father was a God who left his realm and lost his immortality to be with Isogai’s mother, a mortal. Isogai only became aware of his heritage after his father’s passing.

Okajima: Half-Angel

LMAO I mostly picked this for the irony, but it kinda fits ngl. He’s generally a good, loyal, kind person and a very good friend. His perverted nature is his one big flaw and comes from the influence of his mortal father, who was his main guardian since his mother remained on Heaven.

Okano: Werewolf

I’m gonna credit this one to @greengargouille haha. They made a wonderful post about this idea that I still adore with my whole heart. But yeah, Okano being a badass werewolf with crazy athleticism and defying femininity expectations? Yes please.

Okuda: Witch

She excels in potion-making, of course. She comes from a long line of witches and magic-users in her family. So she feels quite a bit of pressure to be successful. She’s very talented but needs a tad bit more of control in her magic.

Kataoka: Mermaid

This one shouldn’t be a surprise haha. She’s a very strong and powerful swimmer...but where does all that raw talent come from? Surprise, Megu is a mermaid and she can transform between her physical forms at will. She loves the water because it’s her home and what she knows best.

Kayano: Part-Phoenix

I don’t know how this works and how someone can be part-Phoenix lmao, but it fits her way too well. A being that goes out in flames and starts a new life...isn’t that basically what Kayano did after her reveal? Her new life is her going by Akari again and showing her true colors to the class.

Kanzaki: Goddess

She’s apart of a very royal family of gods...all with ridiculously high standards and little respect for her. Kanzaki is very powerful and has so much raw potential but she’s never been able to show it. Her best skills are teleportation, invisibility, and a strong grasp on aerokinesis.

Kimura: Centaur

I’m serious about this one lmao. He’s a very fast runner and impresses everyone, and it’s thanks to his strong physique and raw energy in centaur form. Don’t worry, he can shape-shift back to a human form, but he hates it because he loses his height and is back to being 160 cm.

Kurahashi: Fairy

Of course, this bright, sunny, cheerful sweet girl could only be a fairy. She has a very strong connection to nature and wildlife, to the point that if they’re harmed, she feels the pain. Her wings are very tiny at age 14 can easily hide underneath her clothes. But by adulthood, they’re grown and able to use for flight.

Nagisa: Half-Ghoul

Surprise...this soft boy is actually half-evil :’). His father is actually a ghoul, and Nagisa was very much unaware of it for all his life. Hiromi kept it a secret and tried to suppress that part of him too. Basically I imagine what it means for Nagisa is that death draws him, and his physiology is why he has such a high bloodlust. When he’s pushed to his limits, he’s terrifying... (cough Takaoka cough)

Sugaya: Wizard

He comes from a relatively average line of wizards, who all moved to the mortal realm and own artisan businesses. Sugaya wishes to do something similar and follow his passion for art. He mostly uses his magic for that, levitating his brushes, enhancing his work, creating new things. He’s quite talented at conjuring.

Sugino: Angel

Yes, I’m serious about this. Sugino is a very good person and always strives to lead others down the right path. He’s good at guiding, but even he wants to live for himself for once. So he learns what baseball is and grows a strong love for it.

Takebayashi: Wizard

Unlike Sugaya, he comes from a super prestigious line of successful and powerful wizards. His family is one of the top ones. He feels immense pressure to live up to them. His talents lie in fire magic, particularly creating explosions. And he’s a very skilled healer.

Chiba: Half-Dragon

Fitting considering his name 💜 He has the ability to change between his human and dragon form, but it’s very shaky for now. His eyes are a bright, terrifying shade of red, and it exposes his dragon heritage so he must hide it.

Terasaka: Half-Titan

His Titan physiology is the reason for his raw strength and physical prowess. He’s incredibly strong and has a high endurance, durability, stamina... He’s a talented fighter and will always use his advantage to protect his loved ones.

Nakamura: Siren

She hates being a siren so much. She has to deal with boring mortal guys all the time, who for some reason, love her voice. She gets a real kick out of fooling them though, and the pranks are always chaotic. Since she’s been having to sing and use her voice, she’s gotten the chance to learn many languages. She has an affinity for them, and wants to continue learning more.

Hazama: Witch

I know this is a little cliche. But in contrast to the potion-centered Okuda, Hazama excels in linguistic spells. She keeps a journal of every new one she learns, as well as images of herbs and such. She’s very interested in dark arts, but will only indulge in it with the presence of someone else, to make sure she doesn’t fall too deep.

Hayami: Witch

Wow I’m really repeating so many. Hayami is a very hardworking, talented witch. But she’s so focused on helping others, she tends to get taken advantage of unfortunately. She’s best at transfigurations, altering things to her (and others) liking. Her favorite test subject is Okajima. She’s quite talented in hand-to-hand combat and having kinetic vision, which helps in magic. She wants a cat as a familiar so badly.

Hara: Fairy

Hara says “fuck you” to the idea that fairies are traditionally small and frail. She’s proud of her physique and strength, and her interest in fighting. She’s still the sweetest fairy there could be, always looking after everyone and all of nature. She loves cooking and sharing it with as many people as she can find.

Fuwa: Ghost

Yep our crazy, lively Fuwa is a ghost! Specifically, she’s a poltergeist, the kind who try to create mischief in some way and move things around. The reason why Fuwa is kinda wild and open about her passions is so she can be noticed by people...if her presence isn’t being acknowledged, she loses her physical form and goes back to being a transparent spirit. It isn’t all bad though. Her favorite thing to do is read mangas in ghost form, so all people see is a floating copy of One Piece.

Maehara: Vampire

This one is a little cliche lmao, but he’s a vampire playboy who always ends up accidentally turning his girlfriends into vampires too with his bites. No one ever suspects him of being a vampire since he looks like sunshine incarnate. He’s quite reckless and has come close to being exposed multiple times, and Isogai always scolds him.

Mimura: Elf

Poor boy is a little insecure about being an Elf...he tries his best not to stand out, especially given his dad’s love for the spotlight. He is good at basic magic, slightly above average. His best talent and what he excels at is photokinesis. He uses it on his filming hobby, to change what’s on camera, adjust lighting, etc. He can go as far as even completely remove shadows from the sunlight.

Muramatsu: Alchemist

He comes from a relatively average family of alchemists that used their abilities for culinary purposes. He enjoys it a lot, and is very talented. He prefers to rely on physical prowess when it comes to fights, but is able to use his alchemy additionally.

Yada: Vampire

Yada is the hot vampire girlfriend we all wish we had 😔 Just kidding haha. But yes, she’s a vampire and no one would ever expect it with how good she is at hiding. She plans out her life and days to specifically avoid sunlight, garlic, etc. She’s a very busy member of the school community and has tons of friends and connections. She and Maehara, her fellow vampire, constantly compete to see who can get more dates.

Yoshida: Werewolf

This is slightly cliche since he’s the resident bad boy, but it fits. He tries to keep a tough image even in human form partly since his family taught him to do so, and because it is comfortable for him. But he’s a softie deep down, and is nowhere near as ruthless as he’s believed to be.

Ritsu: Magic Mirror?

Hmm this is kind of the only option I see fitting for her as it correlates to her role in canon. One classmate has to carry the mirror around for her to communicate, but she’s very powerful and helpful.

Itona: Mummy

Ok so storyline here: he was abandoned to die by his family centuries ago, and his 13 body was mummified against his will. In present time, Shiro awakens him, revives him, and uses him as a tool. He goes through a lot...but is able to live a peaceful life with 3-E once all that is over. He wears bandages almost everywhere, only exposing his eyes which glow yellow when he’s using his power.

Bonus:

Gakushuu is a Demi-God, of course. He’s pretty annoyed that his elemental magic only extends to hydrokinesis and cryokinesis, but he’s still amazingly talented.

Ren is a Merman who flirts with girls at the beach with sappy poetry. He’s gotten caught in a fisher net too many times.

Seo is an Ogre.