#it's a song about a toxic relationship (not necessarily abusive but it's toxic) where the woman feels like she's nothing without her husband

[whenuwishuponastar]

Travis: *realizes he's in an abusive relationship* Oh I'm my mother- OH MY GOd- this is horrible! I've been trying so hard not to be my father I didn't see this coming!

[rainbowdaisy13]

I think that it's good that people in the Kaylor/Gaylor fandom are talking about the toxic implications of certain lyrics in various different songs of Taylor's. Even if Taylor was being hyperbolic and not literal with her lyrics about self-harm in songs like Is It Over Now? and The Tortured Poets Department, it's not something that anyone should be romanticizing, a person threatening to commit self-harm and/or suicide "because" of someone, especially a current or even former romantic partner, is a pretty common abuse tactic in domestic violence situations, including F/F domestic violence situations.

While I don't think that TTPD the song is meant to be taken %100 seriously because the tone of the song seems to be meant to be read as ironic going by some of the other lyrics to the song, Taylor herself has released enough songs where she has clear suicidal ideation in them and enough songs that suggest that she has a tendency to be verbally cruel towards her lover when she's angry in general just within the last four years that it's not exactly great that TTPD the song mentions suicide threats even if it's supposed to be "ironic", especially since she also has released plenty of songs within the last few years mentioning that her lover not only suffers from bouts of very severe depression but suggests that she thinks her lover is "too polite to leave (her)" in two different songs too 😬

Look, do I think that Taylor genuinely loves Karlie? Yeah, yeah, I do actually, I think that Taylor probably does genuinely love Karlie with all of her heart, but just because I think that Taylor probably genuinely loves Karlie with all of her heart doesn't meant that I think that Taylor shows her love for Karlie in healthy ways and I think that even Taylor is at least somewhat aware that the way she treats Karlie is really fucked up and extremely unhealthy for their relationship going by what she expresses in some of her songs.

And that picture of Karlie at Karen Elson's wedding looking lovingly at, presumably, Taylor doesn't mean that their relationship is necessarily healthy either. Taylor and Karlie first met in 2008 at an event called The Young Hollywood Awards when Kar was 15 and Tay was 18 and it seems like they've been in each other's orbit in one fashion or another ever since they first met 16 years ago. All Karlie looking adoringly at Taylor at the wedding means is that Karlie adores Taylor still even after all these years of Taylor allowing or even deliberately encouraging her fanbase to be hateful towards Kar.

Just because two people love each other a lot and have a long history together and who have known of each other for even longer doesn't mean that their relationship should be romanticized. Taylor and Karlie are two women who have major mental health struggles that have been working in a industry that dehumanizes women to a frankly insane extent since they were both literally children and who have a major power imbalance in their relationship which one of them holds over the other's head for her own benefit, that's extremely fucked up and unhealthy for a relationship even if there was some kind of "consent" initially involved.

Again imma say— the very rich & very famous accept many things most of us would find unacceptable or even awful in their personal relationships because it allows them to stay at the socioeconomic top!

[castellcnos]

Welcome to Aurora Bay, [RICARDO CASTELLANOS]! I couldn’t help but notice you look an awful lot like [PEDRO PASCAL]. You must be the [FORTY THREE] year old [DIRECTOR OF PUBLIC SERVICES]. Word is you’re [INTELLIGENT] but can also be a bit [RIGID] and your favorite song is [OCEAN AVENUE BY YELLOWCARD]. I also heard you’ll be staying in [CRYSTAL COVE CONDOMINIUMS]. I’m sure you’ll love it!

TW: Affair, alcohol abuse

BASICS

Name: Ricardo Castellanos Gender/Pronouns: Cismale/He&Him Sexual/Romantic Orientation: Bisexual Age: 43 Birthdate: 28th August Occupation: Director of Public Services

ABOUT

Ricardo grew up in Dallas, Texas to a working class family. His father was an engineer while his mother prided herself on being head of the PTA at his school. Something which Ric would have rather preferred her not to be, as it made for some highly embarrassing moments, especially when he attempted his rebel phase.

In high school, he was an avid swimmer and on the track team. Despite giving off an unbothered appearance, he actually did care about his grades and was able to earn himself a scholarship to Berkeley, California. He enrolled onto the Management, Entrepreneurship, & Technology Program in hopes of one day making a name for himself, and being responsible for some change in the world.

Similar to high school, he seemed unphased about academics whilst at college and would often be found passed out around and on campus benches or barely conscious in his lectures, after too many keg competitions the night before. He became known as the party king and if you ever even suggested a get together, he would be there and probably providing the booze.

He met his college sweetheart in his third year, and they both thought it was true love. She was the only one that could out drink him, so he decided he'd marry the girl one day. And it didn't take them long, because a year after graduation, they did.

During this point, they had settled down in Aurora Bay, California, after much deliberation on finding a town that was idyllic, and could provide safety any children they chose to have to grow and thrive.

He got a job interning alongside the local government, learning everything he could in hopes of one day potentially running for mayor — simply to be on top.

However, things took a different path when several years later he was offered the role of becoming the director of public services. He didn't necessarily care too much about the botanical gardens, the parks, museums, anything else that provided joy to the people — but the money was good, and it was a step in the right direction. He'd still have some power, and he could use it to his advantage.

He wasn't a good husband, and he'd have numerous affairs. There was a time when he'd been so in love with his wife, but as the years went on, he'd grown bored and her lack of enjoyment in their relationship mirrored his, and it got to a point where they were purely just co-existing together.

However, there was still a possessiveness there. When she began coming home late herself, as he did some nights, Ric would become jealous — knowing that she'd found company, other than his desolate one.

They would argue terribly, both accusing the other of cheating and when they'd finally reached some sort of conclusion, that yes, they were both as bad as each other, they decided to file for divorce the next day.

Although he knew this was for the best, he still was saddened by the wasted years and not having someone at home waiting for him, as toxic as they were. He fell into a depression of sorts, and he'd often choose to battle his demons with a bottle of whiskey at whichever bar was willing to serve him.

He moved in with his college roommate and best friend, Ben, at Crystal Cove Condominiums, and tried to carry on as though he wasn't affected by this transition into divorcee life. But he didn't do a very good job at hiding it.

He swore to Ben that he'd only be crashing in his spare room for a month while him and his ex-wife sold their house and he found somewhere new. He paid his own way, sharing in rent and bills. But he enjoyed the company too much and before he knew it, six months had flown by and he hadn't even began researching properties to move into. He hoped Ben hadn't noticed.

@aurorabayaesthetic

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

content warning for grooming and incest

.

.

i think my older brother was grooming me when i was younger

i apparently am not knowledgable about what grooming is, because ive described traumatic situations regarding other toxic/abusive people in my life without thinking they were groomers but the people ive been talking to about it told me that it was all grooming behavior, like showing me porn (sometimes literal csem) when they knew how young i was and telling me that i was special or something along those lines.

so about my older brother, there was definitely emotional incest happening but i dont know if thats the same thing as grooming. i remember him being really attached to me in a way that made me incredibly uncomfortable. my family in general has a codependency issue and i grew up thinking that feeling suffocated by them was symptomatic of my selfishness so i dismissed my feelings as just me being selfish.

my older brother dumped his emotional problems on me (we have a 5 yr age gap jsyk) and told me that i was the only person in the family that he could trust. i dont want to say "i took care of him" but i always protected him from my abusive father and i was afraid of making my brother upset in some way. not necessarily because i was "afraid" of him but because he pressured me to, with all the trauma dumping and stuff he was doing and telling me i was the only person he could rely on. so like id do his chores for him when he slept in or id cover his tracks whenever he did something stupid. all of this had my father call us twins and he compared our relationship to a married couple on tv.... it made me feel sick to say the least.

skip forward a few years and my brother started to fucking stalk me. i entered high school by the time he graduated and i guess because he couldnt watch me in person he resorted to texting people from my school on instagram and he asked them about me. btw he was creepy with them too, one of them was a friend of mine and you can guess what happened to our friendship. not only did he do this but he randomly accused me of whoring around and texting boys instead of texting *him* like i was cheating or something. and when he did that i was furious but i was like "omg i would never ignore you i promise im not talking to boys..." just so he could shut up. he continued accusing me of this btw and it made me feel disgusting.

i also have these other memories... theres the times he asked me to move in with him (keeping in mind his obsessive behavior towards me) and theres this other time he showed me a song he wrote with his friend that mentioned how good of a sister i was or whatever. i also have this random memory of him getting mad at me because i didnt want to sit on his lap.

writing all of this was triggering but its been on my mind. if youre curious about our relationship now i practically cut him off. i committed the crime of calling out his toxic behavior and ever since then hes been aggressive towards me and talking constant shit about me to his equally as disgusting wife. hes always been obsessed with me and behaving in strange ways but i wonder if it was more than emotional incest... like grooming. what he'd groom me for i dont know but its like he wanted to be the only boy in my life, like he wanted to be my boyfriend. for a very long time i thought i was being selfish for finding him uncomfortable but now that im a little older and able to articulate my feelings better he was and still is a clearly abusive person. btw if any of this sounds familiar its because i sent anons to agirldying before, im just summarizing all of this again and adding new info so i can give valid reasons for why i believe he might have been grooming me since i was 10 to age 16.

Hi 💔,

I'm (again) so sorry about what you've been going through.

I'm honestly not too sure where the line is between grooming and emotional incest but I can definitely see how there could be some overlap, or how emotional incest could be a foot in the door to grooming, or vice versa. I know a lot of people tend to think that grooming can only be done by adults, I know even just by experience that kids can do it too, though unfortunately there's very little out there explaining it in that context.

Although it's about adult relationships, I still found this article that April wrote helpful in context of my COCSA, so I'm wondering if this could be helpful for you as well. It essentially spells out each step of grooming: targeting the victim, gaining trust, filling a need, isolation, abuse, and maintaining the relationship. You may be able to identify how your experience aligns with that structure.

I also just want to say, you don't have to explain yourself, you know? This string of traumatic experiences are distressing for you, and while it's perfectly okay to talk about it as much as you want, I think it's also important to acknowledge how much space you're allowing your trauma to take up. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. We believe you, no matter how much or how little you explain what happened.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[msgroupieluv]

Temporary Fix (H.S x Reader)

Series Summary: After a brutal hiatus away from her closest friends all due to her toxic ex boyfriend, reader is in distress. She decides to call up Harry hoping he may pity her enough for comfort. What happens when he shows up confronting her for her disappearance? Will they rekindle their friendship or will Reader make things worse? After a long much needed chat, Harry realizes the feelings he’d been harbouring for the entirety of their friendship hadn’t yet burnt out only further complicating it all.

Pairing: Harry Styles x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, mentions of violence

Authors Note: I’m really hoping this does well, keep in mind this is my first time actually posting something I’ve written! I’m a little rusty, but I’m always open to criticism if need be. I plan to add more to this if anyone even wants it! Enjoy 💛

______________________________________

Harry never thought he'd hear that voice again, not after contact was completely cut only a year and half ago to this day. He could feel the way his chest tightened when she spoke his name as if no time had passed between the two, it was almost painful. All Harry wanted was to know why (Y/N) had cut him off so suddenly with little to no explanation other then she needed to focus on her relationship at the time with their mutual friend Vic. It had tore Harry apart having to keep away from the one person he felt completely comfortable around, even his fellow band mates could see the difference in their friend. Now with a new found hope filling the singer, he wondered if she had changed her mind about the distance the way he wanted to even just a week into it all. That's how he found himself driving to her rescue.

Coming back to this place was muscle memory at this point. Harry knew he could find it with his eyes closed if you started him off nearby enough, having spent almost three years driving down this very same street.

It was this same street he'd driven away from with the intentions of never returning. That was the part that hurt about this trip, reliving all of those memories he had managed to bury deep inside with hopes of moving on. The driveway he pulled up into was occupied with one other vehicle, feeling relief wash over him knowing he wouldn't have to deal with any other socializing this evening. It had been a very taxing day for the singer, spending most of it cooped up in a hotel room where he tried and failed to perfect a new song. Harry was almost grateful to receive this distraction not necessarily under these circumstances of course.

The familiar usually lively colonial home stood before him, only one light on in what he remembered to be the kitchen downstairs. After parking his car and sitting in it lost in thought for about ten minutes, he decided it was as good a time to go inside before she assumed Harry had skipped out on her. He was never one to break a promise she knew that. Treading up the pathway he began to get second thoughts about all of this feeling an uneasiness settle within his stomach. What if she decided she didn't want to see him, sending him off with yet another rejection. That was something Harry never could deal with properly. Nevertheless Harry nervously stood before the dark blue door wondering how terrible of an idea this truly was, completely lost in his head he didn't realize the door had opened up revealing the one person the singer had been thinking of for a little over a year.

"You really came..?"

Her voice barely above a whisper while she stood in utter shock unsure of what to do next.

Harry stood there dumbfounded, green eyes trailing over her familiar features he'd memorized over the years. Admiring her was always a pastime of his when they were together, it was second nature. He realized then that she hadn't changed much at all those same (h/c) locks framing her face perfectly, (e/c) eyes peering up at him through curled lashes. Suddenly he felt his dinner might pay a visit now that the nerves had truly hit full force.

(Y/N)'s body moved before she could muster up any other words, tugging the fumbling man in a death grip of a hug that was much needed. This drew Harry out of his head for only a moment.

The two shared this long awaited embrace for what seemed like forever until Harry pulled back, hands staying put just above her waist while he took in a deep breath wondering when his heart rate had gone up that drastically.

"You haven't changed very much, (Y/N)." He breathed trying to find the right words to greet her if he could.

With a soft giggle (Y/N) ushered Harry inside peering out into the darkness of her front yard for any prying eyes. She was aware that when it came to Harry, paparazzi loved to nose their way into any interaction he had.

Shutting the front door the two were met with a sort of uncomfortable silence while they moved throughout the front hall and dining room towards the only other lit up room within the quiet home.

(Y/N) grabbed the kettle from on top of the stove before it could shout, pouring the steaming liquid into two different tea cups.

The silence became unbearable for Harry, you could hear a pin drop and it was almost deafening.

"You sounded awfully upset on the phone." Harry spoke up almost hesitantly surprised by his own voice.

(y/n) seemed to flinch lightly at his words not yet turning to face her old friend. She was embarrassed, calling Harry had been a last resort she hoped to avoid after all she had put him through. She almost felt guilty for bothering the busy man knowing how his schedule could get when the band was doing shows.

With a soft sigh she said, "I'm sorry to call you like that, Harry. I know I'm the last person you wanna hear from." her voice quiet as she did up Harry's tea the way she knew he enjoyed it.

"I've been waitin' to hear from ya for a year, (Y/N)." A frown taking over his once soft features, his tone bordering on annoyed at her observation. What did she know? The man had spent so long checking to see if she'd called it was almost pathetic now that he looked back on it.

His mind was racing with different scenarios now, how this evening could go. Truth be told Harry missed their friendship unlike any other. He still felt betrayed by her absence knowing that she'd made the decision to cut him off and toss him away as if their friendship had meant nothing. It wasn't something Harry was over just yet, her standing there in front of him only brought these emotions to the surface again.

(Y/N) took a seat at the kitchen island both teas in hand as she sat them down, motioning for Harry to sit in the empty stool alongside her.

"I'm so sorry, Harry... really and truly I never wanted to leave you behind. I never wanted to leave any of you boys behind."

This caught Harry's attention, slipping into the empty seat with a concerned expression now softening his features hearing the way her voice wavered with the threat of tears. He noted the way her usual bright eyes were now glossy, blood shot and puffy from crying. Something just didn't sit right with him when he allowed her strange apology to sink in.

"But you did leave us all behind, you tossed us away like we were nothing and now you've called me crying out of the blue as if nothing happened." Harry kept his tone even not wanting to lose his temper seeing how vulnerable (y/n) already seemed.

It was almost eery how calm Harry seemed on the outside, it didn't match the whirlwind of emotions within him fighting to make themselves known. He wanted her to understand how hurt he was being tossed aside like that. Harry had put his everything into their friendship, as did Louis considering she and him had been best friends before everything.

Unable to stop the waterworks (Y/N) sniffled, fresh tears streaming down her reddened cheeks. She'd spent most of the day crying while she packed all of her ex boyfriends things tossing them out into the yard for him to pick up. That had been her breaking point, leaving Vic for good after she'd seen some messages between him and one of her girl friends. Now she was realizing just how heartless she'd seemed with her only true friends even if ghosting them had been Vic's idea. He had been terribly jealous over the boys (Y/N) spent most of her time with, it got so bad they'd often fight when they were alone.

She covered her face with her hands feeling embarrassed for being so emotional in front of Harry. (y/n) thought she could keep it together long enough for her to get the story out, however that proved to be difficult when todays events came rushing back along with her mistakes she'd made.

"Oh angel-"

Harry was quick to console her taking her into his arms the way he had so many times before, brushing aside his previous hostility when the tears finally hit. He could never sit here and watch her cry like that, it broke his heart to pieces and all he wished to do was break whoever caused this hurt.

"I'm sorry- I didn't think..." she sniffled against his chest, hands gripping the fabric of Harry's grey t shirt as she tried to find her words.

"I thought I could keep it together but I just can't..." her voice was now muffled by the fabric. She inhaled that familiar scent of his feeling already at ease just being in his protective arms.

With heavy sigh Harry tightened his light embrace around her, wanting to offer some sort of comfort if he could.

"I need you to tell me what happened, we can worry about all of that later." Harry requested softly, running a hand through her hair while he held her close unable to let go.

She pulled back just enough to look up catching Harry's eyes, "Me and Vic- we got into it this morning. He's been seeing Cate behind my back for months, I-" a sob broke out before she could finish her explanation.

Harry cooed whispers of reassurance hoping he could calm her enough she could talk about it without breaking down too bad, his hand cupping her face gently.

"Just breathe, angel." He spoke slowly, thumbs swiping away the tears before they could trail too far.

After she managed to calm herself down she went into detail the best that she could, explaining how she found out and Vic's reaction.

"H-He's never raised a hand to me until then, it was like- a whole other side to him or something... I didn't know what to do I just had to leave." (y/n) explained through shaky breaths staring down at her hands unable to meet Harry's strong gaze in case she broke again.

The knowledge that he'd gone at her like that all over (y/n) answering Vic's phone made Harry's entire body tense with anger. He almost felt he wanted to leave right then and track down Vic so he could deal with this himself. The idea that anyone could look at (y/n) and think to hurt her was beyond Harry, she rarely even raised her voice let alone got physical with others during an altercation.

There was a beat of silence when (y/n) finished her explanation, peering up at Harry through wet lashes expecting some form of communication after such a story. Before he could even get a word in she immediately began explaining herself for the hiatus on their friendship.

"B-Before you say anything, Harry. I know what it seemed like.. when I disappeared and stopped coming around everyone." She said sadly, "I didn't want to leave you guys behind, but the fighting- the arguing it was getting to be too much. He made me choose." (y/n) whispered the last few words looking away out of embarrassment for even listening to Vic in the first place.

She could've saved their friendship if she'd just left Vic behind after the first of many jealous comments he'd thrown her way about Harry. Vic said on many occasions that (y/n) was too affectionate with her friend, even going as far as to accuse her of secretly seeing Harry. What she didn't know was that Vic was voicing those insecurities out of guilt because he actually was seeing other people when (y/n) wasn't around.

"I want you to know I'm so sorry, I love you all so much I just want to fix things. Will you let me fix things?" Her words pleading with Harry.

He could never refuse her anything not after all that he'd learned tonight about someone Harry had considered a very good friend. Vic was long done being brought around now that Harry knew his true nature.

"Nothin' needs to be fixed, love." Harry reassured her with the faintest of smiles dawning on his face, "nothin' except maybe Vic's face once I'm done with him..." he added casually with a small shrug of his shoulders.

There was no lie in what Harry said not after (y/n)'s tearful explanation, it wasn't something Vic should just get away with. Even if Harry could just talk to him, warn him.

(y/n) was quick to laugh, "no oh my gosh don't, just leave it alone okay? I know you mean well." She finally smiled wiping away the dampness on her cheeks with the sleeve of her grey hoodie.

"I don't want anything to happen to you either, Harry." She commented a little quieter.

Harry scoffed, "Vic's nothin' on me, baby." He teased gently punching her cheek with a grin playing on his lips.

This earned another giggle from (y/n) which was all that Harry wanted after having to watch her sob for a half an hour. She deserved to smile, and it was his favorite thing to look at on top of that. He truly admired her so much he only wished he could make her laugh like that more often.

(Y/n) pulled out of Harry's embrace standing up from her seat she took her now cold tea with her over to the sink. Dumping it out, she rinsed the cup lost in her thoughts as she turned the faucet off reaching for the hand towel hanging from her oven's door handle.

"Think you'd be up for a drink?"

Her question came as a surprise to Harry while he watched her grab the neck of a brand new bottle of wine, holding it up for him to see.

He wasn't opposed to loosening up a little bit after such a heavy subject, so he agreed following after her into the living room where the two got comfortable on the couch. It didn't take them long to pass the bottle back and forth deciding against glasses after (y/n) realized she'd forgotten about them.

The subject was soon much lighter as the two reminisced about their past share together, all of the trouble they remembered getting into.

"Pretty sure I remember you locking Louis up in his dressing room..." Harry smirked tipping the bottle back to meet his lips as he took a long sip of the bitter red liquid.

(Y/n) giggled already feeling a buzz from the liquor, her cheeks a permanent shade of red as she continued to indulge loving how light and happy it was making her feel.

"First of all, I was trying to scare him! But it all went wrong and then it was actually Niall who locked the door-" she explained tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as she spoke.

Harry's eyes followed her hand as it made itself comfortable back against her jean clad thigh. The alcohol muddling his more logical thoughts made him wonder how warm she felt, picturing his own hand there while they sat closer. In this little scenario he'd come up with they were kissing passionately, bottle of wine discarded onto the coffee table in front of them.

(Y/n) broke Harry from his thoughts before they could get any more inappropriate,

"You okay, Har?" She asked innocently offering the faintest of smiles his way.

Harry breathed out a quick, "'course." Finally reading his eyes away from her taking another long swig of their shared drink.

She didn't quite believe him, noticing the way he'd occasionally get lost in thought while looking her way. She wondered what he was thinking about after a while. It had to be something interesting considering he'd long stopped paying attention to her ramblings only offering the occasional hum of agreement even when it didn't make sense.

"What's on your mind?" (Y/n) scooted a little closer reaching for the bottle from Harry's hand.

Their fingers brushed lightly for a fleeting moment Harry wondered if they'd even touched at all. That familiar shock he often felt when they'd touch was the only proof it did, turning his brain to absolute mush. All he could focus on was the warmth throughout his body that he felt with her now pressed closer than before.

(Y/n)'s knees were pressed against the side of Harry's leg while she sat facing him on the couch, legs tucked beneath her as she now took her own long sip chasing that weightless feeling that was consuming her entirely with every single drop.

Harry cleared his throat running ringed fingers through his long messy brown hair trying to answer her question without giving himself away. However, the alcohol running through his veins had other ideas.

"You." He answered simply almost as if it were obvious.

(Y/n) faltered bringing the bottle back down from her wine stained lips unsure of what to say to that. She hadn't expected that of all answers, assuming maybe Harry had just gotten sleepy considering the time of night.

Eyes darting over to her friend she meekly said, "me?" Now sitting the half empty bottle onto the coffee table alongside them.

Harry chuckled, "yes, angel. I'm thinking about you.. how much I'd really like to kiss you." He admitted softly unsure of his own words even if they left his lips already.

He knew deep down this could end up being a mistake, (y/n) was still freshly dealing with Vic's disappearance surely she would be offended that Harry even brought such a thing up. Yet the few drinks he had brought out a boldness Harry usually kept at bay around his close friend. This was the reason he always refused to drink around her in fear of spilling his secrets he'd kept so near and dear for quite a long time.

(Y/n) blinked in shock eyes wide after a moment while she took this all in. Now she wanted to know if she had heard Harry right, because there was no way he'd just said he wanted to kiss her. She refused to believe that her friend Harry had been staring at her like that with a glow in his green eyes because he had been thinking about kissing (Y/N). Blushing deeper if that were been possible, she stammered unable to speak.

Harry turned to give her his full attention hesitantly placing a hand on her knee, "can I?" He inquired curiously, eyes darting down to her full lips once now that he knew he didn't need to hide it any longer.

"Yes you can." Was all she could muster up quietly.

The two leaned in, Harry bringing a hand up to cup her cheek while she kept her hands firmly in her lap feeling how clammy they'd gotten all of a sudden. Harry stopped just a breath away needing to be sure this was actually happening because there was absolutely no fucking way. When their lips did finally touch (y/n) swore it was straight out of one of those cheesy romantic movies she'd binge watched a million times with her friends. Sparks might as well of actually flied out around the two, joined by some fireworks to indicate how she was genuinely feeling inside. Her once anxious thoughts brushed aside by a simple kiss which only left (y/n) yearning for more. She felt a warmth much like Harry's spread throughout her entire body engulfing her in this desire, driving her to deepen this kiss with a slight tilt of her head.

Harry was in just as much of a bliss finally able to taste her the way he'd only ever dreamt of before. Even just a simple passionate kiss much like this had him reeling inside craving more, he needed to taste her further if she'd allow that much. His lips parting only slightly, allowing his tongue to poke out gliding along her bottom lip asking for entrance. (Y/n) allowed it craving his taste as well.

They explored each others mouths never straying much further than that, staying in their positions on the couch up until (y/n) made the bold move shifting on top of Harry's lap. Her knees resting within the cushion on either side of his thighs never breaking their kiss throughout her switch in position.

Breathless as she was (y/n) refused to break away first getting drunk on Harry's lips and the skilled way his tongue explored her mouth licking into her with a desire that couldn't be put out. His hands rested on her thighs slowly moving upward before they came to rest on her hips beneath her large hoodie, the pad of his thumb brushing against her warm skin beneath the flimsy tank top she had on underneath.

Harry was the first to pull away smirking when he watched the way she chased after his lips.

"We need to stop." He panted, hands rubbing along her sides in comforting motions while he admired how pretty she looked straddling his lap the way she was.

Harry had fantasized about this too many times to count on those nights he just couldn't get himself to sleep. It often led to dirtier things, yet he couldn't push her that far knowing how vulnerable she was right now. Pushing aside his own selfish desires Harry needed this to stop before he didn't have a rational thought about it.

(Y/n) pouted moving her hands along his chest where they'd been resting beneath his open button up shirt. She leaned in a little closer breath fanning against his lips as she spoke,

"You don't want wanna kiss me anymore?"

Harry would be lying if he said he didn't want to kiss her breathless all over again, he wanted so desperately the chance to kiss her all over her body. Worship every single inch of the girl he'd been falling for since day one, but it just wouldn't be right.

"You're drunk." Harry stated matter of factly chuckling when he felt her lips brush against his cheek in a chaste kiss, "come on, love..." he whispered patting her hip.

She knew he was right however thinking straight just wasn't happening right now for her. Instead she was driven by that warmth pooling in her belly wanting so badly his lips against hers, possibly more but she hadn't thought that far ahead yet.

"You're drunk too, silly." (Y/n) laughed softly pulling back so she could get a good look at Harry.

Kiss swollen lips stained with red wine, his cheeks matching the color of his lips she noticed eyes taking in every detail of his flustered expression. His hair was a slight mess from her tugging, shirt unbuttoned as it had been when he arrived allowing her to see the beginnings of his tattoos that decorated his chest. She pressed a hand against one of the inked swallows with a small smile.

"You're so pretty, Harry." She cooed softly still admiring every bit of him where he sat beneath her.

He hadn't been expecting that only furthering how flustered he'd been.

"Let's get you to bed then, yeah?" He suggested disregarding her compliment in fear of only making this harder for himself.

(Y/N) suddenly yawned not realizing how tired she was until he mentioned it. With that she decided it might be a good idea to go and lay in her comfy bed, missing the warmth of her favorite fuzzy blanket she slept with every night. Surprisingly enough, it had been a gift from Harry a while back. She leaned in pushing closer so she could hug him needing that comforting embrace, also hoping he might just carry her upstairs.

The movement cause Harry to grunt feeling the way she brushed against him, god was this difficult.

"Want me to carry ya, angel?" He questioned softly rubbing her back.

She nodded in response burying her face in his neck inhaling the cologne she loved so much that just screamed her Harry. He used to steal his sweaters simply because of how amazing they smelled.

After a beat of quiet Harry stood up the best he could gripping her thighs so she wouldn't fall, he maneuvered around the furniture making his way toward the stairs. It was a lot more difficult carrying (y/n) when Harry was just as tipsy if not more given how often he was sucking on that bottle earlier, that didn't stop him though.

Once they reached just outside of (y/n)'s bedroom Harry kicked the door open easily with the toe of his boot carrying  her inside. He didn't bother with the lights able to move around from memory, not to mention the curtains were pulled wide open allowing the moon to cast a natural light within. He laid her down on her bed with another grunt when he felt her tug him back on top of her.

"Angel please." He laughed brushing some of the hair out of her face.

The small smile he got from her was all he needed, feeling his heart soar knowing he was the one making her smile like that. Harry was the one here with her comforting her, allowing her to cling to him as she pleased. It made him feel needed.

She began to pout watching Harry peel himself off of her in favour of standing close instead. She missed his warmth and his protective embrace already.

"Lay with me, I don't want to be alone.." (y/n) pleaded quietly, her hand gripping his their fingers now intertwined together.

Harry was finding it more and more difficult getting her to sleep when she looked up at him like that. Those big (y/e/c) eyes casted up at him while her bottom lip jutted out in a pout. He was crumbling already with even just that even if he knew he should have more self control, he wanted that smile back again.

"If I lay here with you I need you to be good, alright?" Harry warned kneeling onto the bed.

(Y/n) smiled happily pushing over for Harry feeling triumphant that she'd won that battle at least.

"I'll be good, promise!" She reassured him patting the spot beside her.

Harry wasted no time getting comfortable beside her, he soon pulled her into his arms letting her rest her head on his chest where he was sure she'd feel the way his heart sped up just from her presence.

They laid like that until (y/n) drifted off into a deep drunken sleep, unable to ramble on anymore about how excited she was to have Harry back in life again. Luckily for Harry, she hadn't tried anything while they cuddled not even once. But he was finding it even more difficult to peel himself away from her so he could go home and sleep as well.

That's how Harry ended up tutting around (y/n)'s kitchen when he noticed the sun's presence in the pink hue of the sky, after staying up worried she'd wake up and need him. Whatever happened today he could deal with, only if it meant he could have (y/n) back for good.

That was all Harry ever wanted.

[enamouredfae]

♡ Pick a Card ♡

What does the person you have in mind think about you!

This is a short and sweet pick a card where I look to tell you how the person occupying your thoughts thinks about you. These can be things they want to say, but feel they can't; the feelings they have for you, the fears and the longings that have to do with you; perceptions of you, etc. This can be a specific person you know or someone you will meet in the future, it can even be a part of you. You can ask about your future spouse, love of your life, twin flame, soulmate, ex, friend, inner child, past self, etc.

Before picking a card ask and meditate on:

"What does [person] think about me?"

then intuitively pick the pile(s).

Disclaimer: I want to remind you that most of the messages are very open to interpretation, and the first "clear" meaning of the message isn't necessarily the right one for you. For example, "i know nothing about you" could mean that they don't recognize you anymore or that you don't share enough information about yourself, but it could also mean that this person is a stranger to you atm. Pick up on the nuance that feels right to you. If you feel like a card isn't accurate or does not resonate, you are most likely right. Don't take the reading as fact. Trust your intuition, and do tell me in the feedback the parts that feel right and the ones that feel wrong, I'd love to hear different interpretations on messages too!

This reading is for entertainment purposes only.

This is a timeless reading for the collective, therefore it is likely that some messages will not resonate with you. Please only take the messages that do! The messages that do not, are meant for somebody else. Remember that the future is never set in stone and that you possess free will! Love you! ♡

Pile 1 ✧ Leaf

leaving, fall, falling in love, drifting through life, lack of control, being pushed around, recipient, yin, withering away, slowly dying, depressed, walked over, easy-going.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

Who are you thinking about?

introvert | same age | taller | whip | book | 11 | 26 | 2 | 8

they could be someone you had an argument with or an argumentative person in general, intelligent, secretive, they may have a higher education and be seen as an expert in their field, there may be a power imbalance, dominant, disciplinary, manipulative, you may have written in your journal about them, there may be a secret involved in this connection, using sexuality as a tool of persuasion, coercion into kink/sexual situations, knowledgeable in sex, secret sexual relationship, you may learn a lot from them, they could be a teacher, sexy, they could be abusive please be careful, you may not know them yet or they could be hidden from you atm, thoughtful, critical.

8 might be their life path number. they may be born on the 26th or the 8th. themes of the 8th house in astrology might arise a lot in their life. they may have 8th house or Scorpio placements. you may have significant 8th house synastry.

11 might be their life path number. they may be born on the 11th. themes of the 11th house in astrology might arise a lot in their life. they may have 11th house or Aquarius placements. you may have significant 11th house synastry.

2 might be their life path number. they may be born on the 2nd. themes of the 2nd house in astrology might arise a lot in their life. they may have 2nd house or Taurus placements. you may have significant 2nd house synastry.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

What do they think about you?

"i wish you tried harder."

"you've outgrown me."

"right person, wrong time."

"your expectations are too high."

"is it because i remind you of them?"

"you didn't seem interested."

Pile 2 ✧ Key

key to one's heart, locked away, hidden, protected, only few can open, key tattoo, looking through the keyhole, looking withing, treasure, opening up to the world.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

Who are you thinking about?

ambivert | gray or blue eyes | younger | stars | moon | 16 | 32 | 7 | 5

divinely guided and blessed union, synchronicities are prevalent with this connection, feeling like the universe participated in you finding each other because of how unlikely or based on luck it feels, wish fulfillment, dreaming of/about each other, knowing immediately, being a muse, somebody well-liked in their job, popular, you may meet at night, you may know them from work or meet them on vacation, manifesting a person, feeling like a blessing to someone, hopeful, visionary, aquarius/cancer and/or 4th/11th house placements, 4th/11th house synastry, they may have a hidden side, famous, dream come true.

7 might be their life path number. they may be born on the 7th or the 16th. themes of the 7th house in astrology might arise a lot in their life. they may have 7th house or Libra placements. you may have significant 7th house synastry.

5 might be their life path number. they may be born on the 5th. themes of the 5th house in astrology might arise a lot in their life. they may have 5th house or Leo placements. you may have significant 5th house synastry.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

What do they think about you?

"i find pieces of you everywhere i look."

"our love is what movies, books, and songs are written about."

"please start putting yourself first."

"i don't know if i want to be near you, or to be you."

"i play the song that reminds me of you."

"i'm manifesting you."

Pile 3 ✧ Fleur de Lys / Lily

french, royal, pure, faithful, gardner, gold, feeling reborn, motherhood, 100 years of love, fertility, strong morals, growth, in bloom, spring/summer/fall, not a cat person.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

Who are you thinking about?

different ethnicity/nationality | blonde | tattoos and/or piercings | man | lily | 28 | 30 | 10 | 1 | 3

they may identify as male, or embody a lot of masculine/yang energy, they may be older than you, very peaceful, you may feel like you can tell them any secret because they are very discreet, they may feel or describe themselves as a "grandpa/grandma" or dress like one, they may be very mature, they might've had to grow up fast, they can feel very serene and like a safe space, they could be the "calm" friend that you just recharge with, enjoying each other's company in silence, they may remind you of your grandpa/grandma, they may be a mentor, they may often talk out of experience or randomly say something very wise.

1 might be their life path number. they may be born on the 28th, the 10th, or the 1st. themes of the 1st/10th house in astrology might arise a lot in their life. they may have 1st/10th house or Aries/Capricorn placements. you may have significant 1st/10th house synastry.

3 might be their life path number. they may be born on the 30th or the 3rd. themes of the 3rd house in astrology might arise a lot in their life. they may have 3rd house or Gemini placements. you may have significant 3rd house synastry. ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

What do they think about you?

"i'm scared of being vulnerable."

"i don't feel the same way you do."

"if we're lucky."

"i always check your horoscope too."

"you're romanticizing toxic things."

"you're my safe space."

Pile 4 ✧ Knot

balanced, harmonious, interconnected, interlaced fingers, hair knots, sacred geometry, synchronicity, self-sufficient, symmetry lover, 444, four-leaf clover.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

Who are you thinking about?

green or hazel eyes | older | colourful hair | rider | child | 1 | 13 | 4

they may be a mailman or a delivery person, incredible conversations that can change your perspective on things, immature, naive, happy inner child, enjoys simple things, young, may be a student atm or when you meet, appears into your life with a new beginning, or causes a new beginning, they may be a very trusting person, could literally be a child (under 18), could come with huge announcement, constantly changing, unpredictable, hyper, could have a child together, may have met them during some sort of visit, helping them grow, may see you as a child, trustworthy.

1 might be their life path number. they may be born on the 1st. themes of the 1st house in astrology might arise a lot in their life. they may have 1st house or Aries placements. you may have significant 1st house synastry.

4 might be their life path number. they may be born on the 13th or the 4th. themes of the 4th house in astrology might arise a lot in their life. they may have 4th house or Cancer placements. you may have significant 4th house synastry.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

What do they think about you?

"i know nothing about you."

"i want us to grow old together."

"cupid ran out of arrows when it came to us."

" i still think about you, i can't let you go."

"i'm obsessed with you and it's not pretty."

"i write you in my daydreams."

Pile 5 ✧ Fork

forks from twilight, great cook, picky eater, a pick-me-up, eating with a specific fork, collecting forks, separation, falling/sliding through the cracks, bifurcation, neptune.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

Who are you thinking about?

brunette | straight or wavy hair | extrovert | woman | dog | 29 | 18 | 11 | 2 | 9

they may identify as female, or embody a lot of feminine/yin energy, friendship, loyal, dependable and helpful, humble, "bitch", may be very compassionate but also may be inclined to pitying people, may be a person who is blindly loyal to people that do not deserve their loyalty and love, "we accept the love we think we deserve", very giving and loves giving, golden retriever as a person, supportive, could be codependent, animal lover, a person in your friend group, or any group you belong in, wants to receive love, but even when they don't, they still give the other person their all, requires a lot of attention, athletic, active, optimistic, feels the need to help and people please because they feel like that's the only way they'll deserve love.

11 might be their life path number. they may be born on the 29th or the 11th. themes of the 11th house in astrology might arise a lot in their life. they may have 11th house or Aquarius placements. you may have significant 11th house synastry.

2 might be their life path number. they may be born on the 2nd. themes of the 2nd house in astrology might arise a lot in their life. they may have 2nd house or Taurus placements. you may have significant 2nd house synastry.

9 might be their life path number. they may be born on the 18th or the 9th. themes of the 9th house in astrology might arise a lot in their life. they may have 9th house or Sagittarius placements. you may have significant 9th house synastry.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

What do they think about you?

"please don't break my heart."

"i hate us."

"you're one more reason for me to stay."

"you hurt me."

"it's like I'm looking in a mirror."

"our relationship isn't balanced."

Pile 6 ✧ Dolphin

swimmer, psychic, sensitive to one's environment, perceptive, being able to read people easily, intuitive, protective, paranoid, healing, freedom, in tune with emotions.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･���✧

Who are you thinking about?

LGBTQIA2S+ | brown or black eyes | shorter | key | garden | 33 | 20 | 6 | 2

they may be the key to your social climbing, you may meet them at a party or social gathering, you may meet them when celebrating smth or in a venue, they may be very social and inviting, open-minded, party person, they are very important to you, they feel like a revelation, they may make you realize smth about yourself, opening lots of doors, they will reveal their secrets to you and vice-versa, they will open you to a whole new social group, opening up to the world, they may hold the key to your soul-tribe, one of the few people who could open you up, they see right through the facade you show the world, hidden treasure in a crowd.

3 or 6 might be their life path number. they may be born on the 6th. themes of the 6th house in astrology might arise a lot in their life. they may have 6th house or Virgo placements. you may have significant 6th house synastry.

2 might be their life path number. they may be born on the 20th or the 2nd. themes of the 2nd house in astrology might arise a lot in their life. they may have 2nd house or Taurus placements. you may have significant 2nd house synastry.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

What do they think about you?

"i've outgrown you."

"i'm longing for your touch."

"i won't change for you."

"i wish you knew how much you've helped me."

"stop trying to change me."

"together for a good time, not a long time."

Thank you for reading! Love you all.♡

You can buy me a coffee if you feel called to do so! This is never necessary, but always appreciated! ♡

[ilooklikeaburntchickenugget]

Addressing Lindsey

I really, really hate this topic a lot.

The fandom has been split forever over Lindsey. And here’s my take.

I’m the type of person where I believe love prevails over any emotion. It’s like overrule, the veto of emotions. There’s something so incredibly fascinating about love, true and genuine love. It’s a mystery until someone has found it, an unopened, untouched box.

That same box can open to a treasure chest of gold, and show the truest form of love. Or it can be Pandora’s box.

Yes, I believe Lindsey Way has many toxic personality traits. I don’t believe it is fair for me to classify her as a “bad person”, I don’t know her personally. However her actions lead me to believe she is definitely not a person to be necessarily fond of.

I’ve always been supportive of her and Gerard’s relationship, because (at least from what we can see) she makes Gerard happy. And after all that man has been through the very least he deserves is happiness and love. And he loves her, so I respect their relationship.

I’ve always had a very weird feeling about their relationship, however. Just the quick pace, and the events surrounding it. It just seems so calculated by her.

So Projekt Revolution starts, this is just post-Eliza breakup for Gerard. Yes, we all know she was also incredibly toxic. He was very possibly vulnerable, unsure what to do or where to go. And here comes up a woman who is ready to assist him through all of this.

We all know Gerard is highly emotional and empathetic, time after time in interviews he’s admitted it, other members of the bands have admitted it. Coming from someone with an EQ of 160 and an incredibly empathetic person as well, it’s easy to fall into the traps set up by other people. I’ve done it time and time again, but I’m still young and I know I can grow from those mistakes. So, he probably fell head over heels, not thinking too far in advance and thinking with his current emotions.

And what does she get in return? Gerard is an incredibly attractive man to begin with (I write fan fiction about him, lol, I would know) and MCR was practically on top of the world at that point. She’s a decently well known name in rock at that period, but marrying the cover of rock at that point would, well, boost you up quite a bit. Both as a musician, and in her art career.

I also want to truly mention the differences in the way they talk about one another. Basically every interview where Gerard talks about Lindsey he uses extremely strong and passionate language. When she talks about him, she does not. It almost seems bland, little to no emotion or tone. 

Not to mention as well the 2008 Fuse interview pre-Madison Square Garden show where Gerard mentions how she flew out to see him play his dream show. No offense, but in a marriage with someone who you will be spending the rest of your life with, isn’t being there to see them achieve their dream the lowest expectation? He made such a big deal out of her flying out, which tells me she made a big damn deal about it to him, which is incredibly unfair lowering the bar for yourself.

Her lack of emotion isn’t only with interviews regarding anything with Gerard. In general there’s almost no tone to her voice, she has little to no range. Her facial expressions don’t range, and her fan interactions seem less than emotional. I know various people have various ways of expressing themselves, but in general she seems to have a lot less expression within her voice, facial features, and actions than the average person.

And don’t get me started on her incredibly public, and incredibly immature meltdowns. I think it’s so important to mention that Gerard has never once defended her, which shows that he knows enough to conclude that she’s in the wrong in these situations. Especially with the whole opossum post making fun of Frank’s car accident in 2016, not cool.

In general she gives me such a weird, very off vibe. It’s hard for me to research her interviews, recorded through video or just printed and try to say that she seems like a caring, good, sound minded person. I really think something’s off, and I don’t want to accuse her of anything because I find that unfair, but my gut feeling since I joined the MCRmy almost four years has always been that she has her own intentions behind marrying Gerard, and it wasn’t just for love.

So Gerard fell victim to the forces of love. And to me, this seems more of a Pandora’s box situation. It seems in their early marriage he was incredibly happy, the happiest fans had ever seen him. In Danger Days he regresses back to his days of abusing substances, and I’m not saying by any means it’s due to her, but lots of people have commented on how he looks more miserable since then.

And I think now that he’s a father, it only adds an additional string of some sort of obligation he holds to her. We’ve seem him talk about Bandit, explain how she was the main reason he chose to come clean and eventually end the band after, once again, finding himself in another down turn of misery.

I just can’t help but think that when the timeline of some of his decline again matches up with their relationship, and no I don’t think it’s a coincidence.

And some fans may argue with me all they want, and accuse me of pushing a false narrative. But with how open Gerard has been with his character and how closed Lindsey has been aside from her public meltdowns, I can’t help but think there’s something off about the whole thing.

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: The entire relationship to me sounds like a fucked up 1800s gothic novel. Someone falls in love with someone else, and true love is a permanent glue: You can try to pry it off all you want, the stains remain forever.

However you guys feel about this I hope what I’m saying here won’t affect your perspective or view on my writing, since that’s my main forte. I’ve just been seeing more people bring this up again, especially after she blocked a fan on Twitter for calling her out for BLM (since MSI does have quite a few highly racist songs and lyrics) so I think it’s important to at least express my opinions, whether people agree with them or not.

[fearlessjournalism]

autoheart - santa fe (2013) // look up, look up (2021)

the idea of progression in this parallel is super interesting to me?? like ok punch is about a toxic relationship that I think is implied to be abusive even from the first song (“hit me hard, I don’t care, you can use me anywhere/you can rip, you can tear, just take the very best of me”). without doing a full breakdown of every track off that album, it seems like the narrator is accepting the harm done to them, even to the point where they think it’s their own fault and they deserve it. we don’t necessarily know what damaged the relationship in the first place and their role in that, but it seems like the narrator is getting the worst of it within the scope of the album. given that the album is literally called punch, I think it’s warranted to read it as physical abuse, although it could also be a metaphor for how the emotional abuse feels. regardless of the form it takes, the important part is that the narrator feels like they deserve it.

and then years later we have these lyrics from look up, look up (along with ones like “it’s not right of you to do what you’ve done to me”) and we get the idea of knowing you deserve better. given some of the lines/word choices here, maybe it’s still a work in progress and there are points where they still think the worst of themself, but being able to clearly state “forgive my need for absolution/I know I’m not the one who’s done wrong” in contrast to those lines from santa fe feels like a really important progression. maybe it’s not about looking back at the same relationship (and I never necessarily want to assume the singer is the narrator, since you can write an album in character, so we don’t even know with 100% certainty it’s the same narrator), but even if they’re talking about a newer relationship, they’re learning to set those boundaries and that they don’t deserve to be hurt.

this got super long but I just. I think that’s really important! so many victims of abuse manage to convince themselves that they’ve done something that warrants the other person’s treatment of them, so seeing this progression from feeling that way to realizing “I don’t deserve what’s been done to me and I’m not the one that needs to ask forgiveness” feels really powerful, even if the narrator is still learning or relearning their self worth

[adonis-koo]

tease

| 16 |

↳ Summary: You came with the intentions of your best friend landing a job as a stripper. You never meant to catch the eyes of the king stripper of the establishment- Jeon Jungkook, yourself. With what was supposed to be a harmless way of paying off college debt faster you find yourself falling into a very odd and passionate relationship with your new mentor. Between infidelity, passion and jealousy there’s never a dull moment at Cherry Bomb.

↳ Pairing: Stripper!Jungkook/Reader

↳ Genre: Smut, fluff, angst, drama, slice of life, relationship problems without the relationship, reader is such a shy baby protect her, MUTUAL pining, so much sexual frustration,  

Word Count: 12k

Previous | Next

Song Mood

Warning: This story touches on both sexual harassment and abuse, please read with caution if any of these things are triggers to you. Additional warnings will be given when a chapter presents them.

TW: There is a lot of implied dubious sex and implied rape/sexual harassment in this chapter, if any of these are triggers please read with caution 🖤

You wouldn’t deny, you felt extremely excited while standing in the large room, vanity lights in classic Vegas style were lit up above the long vanity table, the standing hanging rack had all your costumes on it and while your name wasn’t in plaque it was hastily written on a taped up piece of paper. These people actually considered you a soloist….only by definition considering it was your last week...But still, it was exciting!

Taking a seat in the cushioned chair you got to work on your makeup to begin with, it was Vegas, and considering this was a VIP party you figured it would be okay to really go all out cutcrease makeup, sharp wings and eyelashes that could be mistook for fans, the whole nine yards.  You had originally gone to skip a song on your phone, what you hadn’t expected was paragraph long message from the last person on your mind. 

Seriously? No seriously…? Annoyance twisted and snapped in your veins like a wildfire, as you continuously reread the text, did Seulgi ever truly know you at all? Where was this message when your relationship was toxic with Jungkook? Where was she when Hanjae broke into your apartment? Where was she when you completely ruined your first ever soloist performance? Where was she when you actually needed her? 

You hadn’t even realized your hands were trembling or heard the knock on the door until the familiar voice of Jimin interrupted you, “Y/n! Y/n? Hey, you’re on in ten, why aren’t you dressed?” 

Your gaze snapped from your phone to the blonde before you rubbed your forehead, you didn’t have time for her issues right now, it would just have to wait. Standing up you pressed your lips together before sighing, “Sorry, Seulgi just sent me a paragraph text,” You pulled the oversized shirt over your head as you walked over to the costume rack, you already had your lingerie set underneath but it was always more comfortable to get ready in loose clothing, “Out of the blue! Seriously, what is her problem?” 

You could hear Jimin snort behind you in amusement as you pushed your shorts down, looking over your shoulder with an ungrateful expression to which he straightened up at, “Ah sorry. Honestly? She’s probably just jealous...I mean, think about it, you were chosen to be trained by the most popular stripper in Cherry Bomb when you had no intention of even becoming a stripper at all, you were chosen to become a temporary soloist and now you made it on the list for Seasonella as a soloist and she didn’t even make the cut at all.” 

You stopped dead in your tracks, your fingers still coiled against the black pencil skirt that sat at your hips as you turned to face Jimin, “...She didn’t make the list…?” Yikes... Suddenly her message made a lot more sense...Not so much her message, but the timing of it. You glanced back at the costume rack, suddenly feeling a mix of both pity yet anger, this was your job, not high school cheer tryouts! “I honestly don’t know what to do with her anymore, I mean...Sure I feel bad she didn’t make the list, but is it really that big of a deal?” 

“Not really, but strippers are considerably catty,” Jimin leaned against the back of the couch as he shrugged, “Seulgi honestly fits the filler role perfect. It’s a shame really, she has all the potential to become a soloist.” 

You couldn’t help but tilt your head at his works, pulling the sheer button up top over your head before semi tucking it in, “Well somebody needs to tell her that so she’ll get off my ass. Don’t get me wrong, I understood at first Jimin, I really did,” Your eyes were semi glossed and pleading before you sighed, gritting your teeth, “But now it’s just petty.” 

“Well that’s the thing,” Jimin snorted a laugh as you pulled the brown trench coat over your shoulders, “Don’t you get it Y/n?” You paused at his words, his smile playful as he began laughing, as if he knew a secret you didn’t, “That’s her problem. Seulgi needs to constantly be petted, the only person that’s holding her back from becoming a soloist is herself, if she didn’t need to be groomed and the center of attention constantly, if she’d just shut up and do the work that’s needed without constantly being praised for it. She’d easily make it to the top. But because she can’t, because she’s used to everyone telling her how amazing she is, she’s never going to get there.”

Jimin tucked his tongue into his cheek as he scoffed, “People like that annoy the fuck out of me. That’s what makes you different from her, yeah you were coddled by Jungkook in the beginning, but you never expected that out of him. You never anticipated any of us drowning you in praise and telling you ‘you’d definitely become a soloist;. No, you struggled like most of us did in the beginning, you worked your ass off in the beginning and now it’s paying off. That’s her problem.” 

Your lips parted at his words, rather shocked to see Jimin feel so defensive for you. Pressing your lips together as you fiddled with your jacket, you never realized he felt so strongly about your situation with Seulgi, “...Do you think I’ve changed?” That was the one thing that bothered you, this whole time Seulgi kept proclaiming you had changed, was it really that bad?

“Yeah,” Your gaze snapped to Jimin’s figure as he shrugged, pushing his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket, presumably what he was wearing for the stage, “But change isn’t always a bad thing Y/n. Don’t let people hold you down just because they want to stay the same.” 

Sighing, you wrapped your arms around yourself as you leaned against the wall, thinking on his words. You supposed, Jimin was right, change wasn’t always a bad thing. And looking back, maybe you had changed? 

But it’s like he said, it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, you needed that change to happen. Or else things with Jungkook would have exploded and you could have potentially ruined your relationship with him. Your heart trembled at that idea, the memory of him and you both distant but still fresh. Jungkook was so important to you, you couldn’t lose him, and you changed not for him, but for yourself. So had he. 

“I didn’t take you for a therapist Jimin.” You glanced up as a mutual smile pulled on both your and his lips as you shared a laugh, shaking your head as you stepped into your heels, “Thanks though,” You furrowed your brows before smiling a little, glancing up at him as you nodded, “I...I think I needed to hear that. I should make my way backstage, good luck!” 

Jimin tipped his fedora at you with a wink as he replied, “Too you as well, you’ll need it. Cya Y/n.” 

Keeping his words in mind you gave yourself a mini pep talk as you made your way backstage, it was even more crowded here then at a busy day at work and it was more chaotic than you could have ever imagined. You could do this. Being on stage wasn't what made you nervous anymore. It was getting off stage and finding out just what exactly Seasonella was. 

The stage manager nodded in acknowledgement as you stood off to the side, peering out from behind the stage where your heart did a little leap at the sight of Jungkook. Swallowing the lump in your throat at how good he looked in a three piece suit and his gelled, styled hair. He must have just started his routine, his music was bassy and slow and the floor he stood on wafted with smoke, presumably from dry ice off stage. 

Wrapping your arms around yourself you watched the way he easily swiveled his hips turning away from the audience, popping the jacket off his shoulders, oddly enough despite the large crowd nobody seemed to even be paying attention besides a few whistles here and there. Glancing over his shoulder he offered a sultry smirk, even after all this time he never failed to make your heart race and your face flushed as you dropped your gaze. He wasn’t even looking at you, in fact, he probably didn’t even know you were next in line up. Jungkook’s routine was slow and easy going as he began to shed his clothes, as if he was in no real hurry, soaking up his time on stage. 

He really was a natural.

Just the way his hips would slowly roll before snapping, those large calloused hands slowly running up against his chest to pop the first button of his white button up. You could easily see why Jungkook thrived in this environment, now thinking about it. It was easy because it was only skin deep, Jungkook was comfortable in his body and it showed, being a stripper was hard, but it was only skin deep, you didn’t have to get personal or open up to anyone in this business.

But even with all of that in mind, his eyes, it was always his eyes that showed when he wasn’t feeling his performance, when something was on his mind. Nobody ever seemed to notice it but you. No matter how many smirks and teasing smiles Jungkook flashed it was his eyes that seemed...disinterested? Maybe...maybe even upset?

You didn’t like it, it drove your instincts wild with a need to sit on his lap and grab his face to look at you and ask him what was wrong, but then again, did you really need to? Given what had happened this morning? He was upset when you pushed him away, hell he was upset when he left after his shower. Neither of you had spoken when he left either, he just kept looking at you, longingly, as if hoping maybe you’d speak to him, to give him a chance. 

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to speak to him, it was just...what was there to even talk about? He wasn’t going to convince you this was okay, because it wasn’t. None of this was okay. You didn’t like being on terms like this with him, but what else was there to discuss? It was what it was, all either of you could do was do your job. 

It wasn’t like you were mad at him, Jungkook was a stripper, but so were you. Yes it was upsetting and it hurt that he’d be sleeping with other people, but so were you...You sighed, massaging the temple of your head as you watched his hand slip down to squeeze the thick imprint that pressed against his slacks. You couldn’t stop the quirk in your lips at the sight, even when he was upset he still managed to sport a boner, of course he could.

It was odd watching him pop the button of his slacks, usually by this point girls were practically screaming, but instead it was quiet besides the song that played as the slacks fell off his thick muscular thighs that flexed. You were semi perplexed at the sight of Versace strapped against his skin rather than his regular Calvin Kleins, you couldn’t help but grind your teeth at the idea of that girl buying them for him. It had to be her. Eva.

Was she out in the crowd somewhere enjoying the show? Or was she intending on making him strip again just for her in private. The idea made you livid and the intense desire to jab her eyes out for even looking at what was yours. It was hard to imagine you were actually blushing and melting into your chair when you first laid eyes on Jungkook’s figure on stage. Now you just felt a vague sense of depression watching him hook his thumbs to the band of his boxers.

Maybe it was a sense of defeat that you felt watching him proudly flaunt his hardened cock on stage. A part of you couldn’t help but snicker though, it was so typical of him. Exibitionism was one of his biggest kinks after all. His song had come to an end, the stage lights dimming as people rushed past you, a robe in hand for Jungkook as he came off stage. 

No words were spoken, your gaze only catching his for a second before you were being ushered on stage. Nodding you hurried out in the blackout. Leaning against the pole you made yourself comfortable, it wasn’t time to think anymore. All you had to do was dance. 

The lights immediately flickered on as the intro of your music started out, the smirk immediately pulling on your lips as you turned your head to face the crowd. Most of the crowd wasn’t even paying attention to you, some people seated others standing and talking to one another. What even was Seasonella for? Just connection building for the wealthy?

Letting your hands drag up your body, you slide down the pole letting your legs open naturally before letting your knees drop to let your hands support you on the ground. Your face pressing against the ground as you let your hand circle around your face. Just who were these nameless faces? Just like Jungkook, you weren’t at your best performance. Not that anyone could tell as you rolled to your back letting your legs raise up and set against the pole before letting one slide down as your hands squeezed up your chest, the smile teasing on your lips as you sent a wink out to the crowd. 

That's when you saw him though, Jungkook fully dressed once more, hair damp from sweat and still adjusting the buttons of his loose black button up, his gaze not on Eva who was excitedly waiting for him, instead he was watching you as he ran a hand through his hair. 

Letting your legs open slightly you sat up with your thighs sandwiched between the pole as you rested your head against it, letting the jacket fall off your shoulders as you sent a flirty gasp at the crowd before letting it drop to the ground. 

Making your way to stand up you swayed your hips as you turned to face the crowd, a smug look twisting on to your features at the sight of Eva obviously not happy at your boyfriend checking you out. Keeping a wide stance you dropped slightly to circle your ribs while letting your hands drag up your thighs, teasingly pulling your skirt up higher. Turning to face the wall you curved your spine to highlight your ass as you teased even more, pulling the skirt up to flash the lingerie you wore before tugging the skirt back down. 

You noticed whatever position Jungkook was in he must have left, or maybe Eva had dragged him away at the short time span your back was facing the audience, regardless they couldn’t have left already, right? Pulling your shirt from it’s tuck in your skirt you pulled it out farther as you sunk back down to a slut drop, they couldn’t have gotten far.

Just as you stood back up, hooking your thumb beneath the fabric of your top, a smirk flashed towards the audience that only a few eyes watched you curiously with, that’s when your eyes tracked that messy head of hair again. Jungkook was sitting down, his arm wrapped around Eva who was more than happily snuggled against him, chatting away with what appeared to be her friends. The other person who had stuck out to you was Diego who sat at their table, his eyes however, unshockingly were roaming your body. 

You decided to pay him no mind as you pulled the shirt over your head, letting your upper body become exposed and the glittery, strappy push up bra become displayed. Maybe you were just imagining it but you could have swore Eva had jumped in Jungkook’s tightening grip. His eyes also on you while occasionally glaring daggers at Diego. God you would kill to be listening to that conversation. 

Letting your hips sway softly you strutted further up stage, your arms over head before they groped their way down your body. Turning to face away from the crowd you looked over your shoulder, a playful smile tugging at your lips as you reached for the clasp of your bra. Unhooking it before letting it drop to the ground leaving your bare back on display. 

Turning to face the audience you let your hips begin to sink once more as you let them sway hiding your breasts teasingly behind your hands that began to massage them. It was weird, being in a reversed role where it was your eyes that met Jungkooks from the stage, rather than the other way around. 

Except rather than squirming in embarrassment Jungkook had zero shame in letting his eyes roam all over your body, his lip catching between his teeth and you were all too familiar with that dark look in his eyes. His chin lifting a little in that standoffish, domineering way it always did when he got turned on. 

You however, weren’t yourself at the moment. Rather shy away from his gaze you welcomed it, letting your lips twitch back into a cocky smirk as your hands traveled down your body, your tits perking a little in arousal as your hands slid down your skirt. You could practically see the way Jungkook was eye fucking you, his hand that about been resting on the table curling into a fist and his expression becoming darker by the moment. 

You hadn’t said anything, hell you hadn’t even done anything, but you could tell he wanted to put you over his lap. And there was nothing he could do about it. Something about being aware of that practically made your confidence shoot through the roof as you sent him a playful wink. Effortlessly pushing down the skirt that complied, hitting the ground to reveal the almost light golden, sequin g string you wore beneath, the sheer gold stockings and garter belt to match on display. You could even hear a few whistles from the audience only making you that much cockier. 

And Jungkook was livid. So livid. Despite sitting far away you could see the way his jaw clenched and his fist uncurled and impatiently tapped against the table, as if itching to get his hands on you. Arousal instantly shot between your legs, his dark, lust filled gaze making your body anxious granted this was the most inconvenient timing ever.

If they saw you wet, then that’s just what was gonna happen, you’d just blame it on Jungkook given he was the reason you were in this state. There was no point in worrying about it now. With that in mind you sunk to the ground, crawling out on your hands and knees, letting your tits bounce a little as you dropped to your forearms. Jungkook leaned back in his seat, the vein on his neck popped and you could even see his chest puffing a little. 

The sight made you want to laugh, and for a split second a genuine smile wiggled it’s way onto your lips, before the seductive one quickly took back over as your thighs slid to the ground. Rolling on to your back your vision of him was upside down but that didn’t deter you from letting your hands drag back up your body, letting them squeeze against your breasts as your thighs rubbed together, warm arousal beginning to make your panties stick your folds as you let your body begin to roll as your hips thrusted upwards. 

Your hands sliding back down your body as you began to tug your panties off, gaze never breaking away from Jungkook’s figure, that looked close to a starved man ready to sit between your thighs at the moment. Your panties were unshockingly wet as you kicked them off. As if you weren’t aroused before you certainly were now, naked on stage for the whole floor to see. But with your eyes locked with Jungkook’s it wasn’t like that, it was just you and him at the moment. No party, no one else, just you and him. 

Pulling yourself to sit up you turned to face the audience once more on your knees, a cocky smile tugging on your lips as you let them slide apart. Your cunt was aching and glistening at being exposed as your hands ran up your body, playing with your hair as you heard another round of whistles.

But this wasn’t about them, this was about Jungkook’s clenched jaw and the way he bounced his knee impatiently, the way his fingers twitched against his glass and his eyes roaming all over your exposed body. You didn’t need to see his lap to know he was hard. Crawling back on your hands and knees one last time you sent a one more wink to the audience before rolling to the side. Sitting upright as you finished your last pose. 

The lights went black as you quickly stood up. Walking off stage as best you could in your heels as you grabbed the robe from one of the stage assistants. Wrapping it around your body you let a giggle escape your lips.

Jungkook was turned on, but so were you. You’ll forever have the look on his face stained in your head, maybe something you both could laugh over later and then bang because it would make him horny. 

Walking back to your dressing room you closed the door. Kicking off your heels as you pulled your hair up into a bun to focus on getting dressed. Sitting down you unclipped your stockings before walking over to your bag. You supposed your black mini dress would do, and maybe you’d wear a pair of your black fishnet stockings to go with it? Biting against your lip you figured that would do it before getting changed. Fixing the deep v neck that plunged, showing off your cleavage before pulling out a black pair of pumps to match. 

You wouldn’t be able to talk to Jungkook...but maybe taking Diego up on his offer meant you could see him more? It was a gamble. Nibbling against your lip you fixed your hair in the mirror, putting your phone in the cup of your bra before adjusting it to not make it look obvious. Would you even want to see him this weekend? 

Regardless Diego Friar might as well have been a pile of money sitting at your doorstep, he would be paying you for your company and you knew he’d pay well. This was why you were doing this after all. This was supposed to justify the means. Somehow. Nodding you stood up before heading out. Soloist’s seemed to do more of the entertaining for the guests than actually dancing, although you couldn’t say it was completely true for you. You still had five more dances to get through tonight but at least you had a good hour break before going on back to back. 

Did they really only keep you here as prostitutes? You couldn’t help but wonder about that question, hardly anyone even watched you show. Pushing the door open to enter into the main room you let your eyes wash over the crowd. Why not just hire prostitutes? 

It was legal here in Nevada, why make the strippers do it under dubious consent? Surely the clients budget wasn’t that tight. You supposed there was no point in making sense of it. While Diego would pay for your company, you wouldn’t lie if you said there weren't any underlying motives here. Diego was the client's son, surely he’d know what was going on...Not that you assumed he’d willingly tell you but...A little investigating wouldn’t hurt, right? 

You knew the only thing you needed to focus on was getting to the end of the weekend, but you couldn’t help but wonder, if something illegal was going on here, shouldn’t somebody stop it? Stopping in front of the table you couldn’t help the laugh that escaped you to see Diego standing up, as if waiting confidently, knowing you would come to this table. 

“That was some performance doll.” He sent you a wink, his lips quirked into a smirk confidently, as if you had completely done that just for him. Had Diego not caught on between you and Jungkook? Or was he really that distracted by your body?

You offered a small smile in return as you wrapped your arms around yourself, “I told you I was saving my energy. So I was thinking,” You stretched your sentence as a playful smile tugged on your lips, “About your deal.” 

Diego’s smirk was only reinforced by your words as he confidently strode up to you, “And?” The idea of sleeping with Diego was... less than appealing... but you had a lot of options to weigh here. The first being you were likely to see Jungkook more often, the second being you wouldn’t be passed from creep to creep and the third and last option was the one which wasn’t a good idea. 

You wanted to know why the hell Seasonella existed, what was its purpose, who were these people? Diego was the client's son, if somebody knew the ropes of this party, it was him. 

‘I’ve heard all kinds of rumors about our strippers coming here and not returning to Korea because of being difficult’

That’s the same words Jungkook told you. He wanted you to just go with the flow so nothing happened to you. Going with Diego was both the safest and most dangerous option, depending on how you played your cards. But you were willing to make a deal with the devil to find out, “I’ll agree to it, with some ground rules,” 

Diego chuckled, shifting his weight from one foot to another, running a hand through his hair as he nodded, though it almost seemed vaguely patronizing, “Alright doll, that’s fair enough, what are these rules?”

“Condoms on at all times,” You immediately listed off, attempting to not wrinkle your nose at the idea of feeling him..raw...inside you...it made your stomach churn unpleasantly, “I’m not looking to get knocked up,” You offered a humored smile despite it feeling mildly forced, “And I want my mornings to myself,” You added, remembering Jungkook’s words, him telling you to ask for the mornings so you could at least be together then, “Two rules, and I’m all yours.”

You knew Jungkook wanted nothing more than to make sure you were safe. But you needed answers, you needed to know why this was happening. And furthermore, what part of this was illegal, if any at all. 

Diego gave you a smile, his arm immediately wrapping around you as he replied, “Your rules are gold baby. You won’t be disappointed. C’mon, let's get you a drink and sit down.” It felt weird being held by somebody else while sipping on your classic margarita, taking a seat down at the table where Jungkook’s eyes glared at the arm wrapped around your shoulder like it pissed him off. It probably did. You could only hope Jungkook didn’t get the wrong idea about this, you weren’t doing this to spite him. 

You did it for multiple reasons, none which even involved him...Well, none that involved him in a bad way. But to see Jungkook so...docile in a situation like this? In a situation  “This is Y/n, the lovely doll I’ve been talking about.” Diego introduced you to his friends, mutual friends of Eva as well you assumed. It was coincidental that you and Jungkook just so happened to be sitting on the inside of the table next to one another, a respectful distance between you both given you both were supposed to be closer to each sibling. 

“It’s so nice to meet you!” You gave a bright smile at the man- Lorenzo who was an italian with a strong accent and didn’t seem incredibly familiar with Koren, but enough that you could hold a steady conversation, he also seemed to be a considerably close friend of Diego’s compared to all of the others, “I hope you’ve been enjoying the show up on stage.” 

What you hadn’t expected was a large, wrathful hand to harshly clamp your inner thigh making you nearly choke on your drink, callous fingers digging into your soft skin while roughly massaging closer to your core. 

Your eyes sent sharp daggers to Jungkook’s figure, who was innocently on his side of the table, his free arm wrapped around Eva while conversing with her and one of her friends, acting as if he totally wasn’t groping you. This was not the time or place to be doing this! 

“Ah yes, you put on quite the show.” You gave a forced smile at Lorenzo as you tried to wiggle your leg from Jungkook's grasp, it was useless though as he squeezed harder, his nails pleasantly digging into your skin as if in warning to stop. 

It wasn’t even fair, Jungkook was speaking to Eva and her friends in english which you could only pick bits and pieces of conversation out of while he could hear everything you said. You tried your best, you really did. But Jungkook’s long thick fingers were making it difficult to focus, never quite making it to where you had hoped it would, but just enough to keep you on edge. 

Was this some possessive display or reminder to you? You wished you could just ask Jungkook what his problem was. Maybe he was mad you weren’t wearing your collar, but could he really expect you too when...You couldn’t help but shudder. This was going to be a long night. 

The night dragged on and admittedly, you couldn’t help but tense at all the pleasantries, you honestly assumed Diego would jump you the moment he got his hands on you but then again, he was from a prestigious family, clearly. 

You sighed as you glanced at yourself in the mirror, rubbing the towel over the back of your neck that had broken out in a sweat, you were used to dancing on stage but something about being here had made you nervous. You weren’t sure what it was but the whole vibe of this place put you on edge. Shaking your head you pulled the skirt up to your waist before finishing putting on the rest of your clothes. 

Dread filled your stomach but you couldn’t help it, anytime you weren’t dancing you were with Diego, you assumed the moment he got you alone he’d jump you but he had behaved well...But now your night of stripping was over, your body was tired and so were you but...Well you had a feeling the night had only just begun in other ways. 

Jungkook had disappeared a while ago with Eva and her friends, he had finished earlier in the night then you but given he was more social it wasn’t a surprise he had stayed to converse with her and her friends. Or maybe it was Eva who wanted to stay longer?

You couldn’t help but feel a simmering anger boil inside you at the idea of someone controlling and dictating the man you loved. You forcibly calmed yourself as you pushed your hair off your shoulder. This wasn’t the time to brood of this, it wasn’t like you could do anything about it. Could you even be mad at Jungkook? No, not when you were with Diego. 

Something about the situation made you grit your teeth as you pushed the door to your dressing room open. Why were you so powerless in a situation like this? You had never seen Jungkook let himself be powerless either. 

Pausing you glanced at the ground as people rushed past you, the night on stage still very much alive and even busier than you had ever seen before. If Jungkook was too scared to speak up or if he was worried for you, then you’d do it for him. You nodded affirming to yourself.

Whatever the Friar’s were up too....You weren’t just going to sit still and watch your friends get bullied by them. The idea made your lips twitch and your fist coil in anger, why the fuck was nobody saying anything to them!? 

Closing your eyes briefly you let your shoulders relax as you began to walk. It’s okay, they have all been there to help you on your feet. Now you’d stand beside them and defend them just as they have you. You didn’t know who these people were but you were going to find out. 

Walking out of the back and into the large lounge your eyes scoped Diego who seemed to be talking to two other men...He hadn’t introduced you so they must have been work related contacts. 

Walking over you gave a bright smile as Diego’s eyes landed on you, pausing conversation with the two men as he waved you over, “Finished up doll?” You nodded, feigning innocence to the two men’s stares that leered on you as Diego squeezed your chin, “Good. Tell you what baby, how about you head up to my room? I’ll catch up with you soon, I just have some business to take care of.” 

You felt an odd shiver down your spine at his words. Business? At three in the morning? You still gave a smile as you nodded, “Of course! I’ll see you soon then.” You winked as you took the passcard from his hand, a charming expression on your face as you nodded to the two men before turning around. 

You didn’t like this one bit. You glanced around in hopes of finding a familiar face but everyone seemed foreign to your eyes. Sighing, you shook your head a little, glancing down at the passcard to Diego’s room, number listed on it as you headed for the elevator.

Staying still you intended to enter the elevator only for your eyes to widen at the heated sight as the doors slid open, the familiar head of hair sucking harshly on skin as the woman moaned, Seokjin suddenly straightened up at the sight of you as he coughed harshly. 

The girl jumped before turning around as she gave a sheepish smile before glancing up at him with pink cheeks, “Thanks for seeing me down, i’ll see you later.” She winked as she stepped out of the elevator just as you stepped in. 

It was quiet for a moment as you and Seokjin awkwardly stood there, “I uh-”

“It’s cool.” You immediately cut him off as you both glanced at each other, unable to keep the awkward tense though as you both let out a small laugh, “She seemed happy.” 

“I’d hope so,” Seokjin scoffed, not going into detail but you could tell they obviously had just finished sleeping together, if Seokjin’s sweat drenched and messy hair was anything to go by, his eyes glancing up at the number that ticked up in the elevator, “I’m assuming you’re headed for Diego’s?” 

You gave a small nod before sighing, “Yeah...he had ‘business’ to take care of so he’s meeting me later…” You parted your lips for a moment before closing them once more, glancing up at Seokjin’s figure before asking, “...Seokjin…” Gaining his attention he glanced down at you as he raised his brows a little, “What’s going on here?” 

You watched his shoulders tense a little as he pressed his lips together, glancing away from you before letting his gaze flicker across the elevator as if searching for something, “...Sometimes...it’s better to be ignorant Y/n,” You frowned at his cryptic words, Seokjin’s gaze on you was like a heavy weight, as if they were drilling through your soul as he continued, “Don’t look for something you’ll regret finding out. I saw Jungkook earlier.” Your frown deepened at his abrupt change of topic. 

What was it that they knew that you didn’t? All you had heard were rumors thus far. It was obvious Seokjin and the others knew something was going on, so why weren’t they doing anything about it? Was it really easier to just turn a blind eye to whatever was happening? 

Deciding to drop the subject you held in a sigh as you glanced up at the numbers sliding above the door, “Yeah…?” You kept your tone neutral, not wanting to say you didn’t want to hear it, but on the other hand you were a little curious. 

“Yeah,” Seokjin clacked his tongue before snorting, “He didn’t look happy. Just kept staring at you on stage like a little puppy before Eva dragged him away.” You didn’t reply to his words for a moment. Were you surprised? No. Did it warm your heart?...Maybe a little...But still, you needed to play your cards carefully. The last thing you needed was Eva catching wind of your relation to Jungkook outside of being his trainee. 

“Well he’s just going to have to deal with it.” You replied, not intending to come off as cold as you did making Seokjin turn to face you, his brows raised in somewhat surprise making you sighed as your expression softened a little, “What can I do about it Seokjin? What’s the point in talking about it? It just…” You inhaled sharply before letting it out, “It’s already upsetting, why even talk about it?” 

You hadn’t even meant to project onto him, but you couldn’t help it, the early morning of what had happened with Jungkook was still fresh in your mind, what did he want from you? To say it was okay? That it would all be okay? It wasn’t okay! None of this was okay!

Seokjin frowned a little, his own expression softening a little as he nodded solemnly, “I can understand to a degree. But you can’t ignore him forever. What are you gonna do when all of this is over? Pretend like it never happened?” 

Glaring down at the floor you didn’t reply for a moment before answering, “I don’t know. And I’m not gonna think about it right now. I have a lot more on my plate to focus on.” The doors slid open with a ding as you glanced ahead. Seokjin frowned at your words, wanting to respond but not having the time as you turned to give him a small smile, “Good luck Seokjin, I’ll see you later.” 

Walking out of the elevator you kept a clear head as you walked down the eerily silent hallway, the elevator closed behind you leaving you all by yourself, the corridor was long and if you had gotten too close to a door you could hear soft moans from inside. 

Stepping back to keep in center only to jolt at the sound of a loud crash and a muffled scream, “Be quiet you bitch!” Adrenaline shot through your veins at the muffled snarl of a man at the you were about to pass, “I’ll be back soon and you better be fucking prepared to perform again.” 

You scrambled away from the door, heart pounding in your chest as the door ripped open, the sounds of sobs inside before the door slammed shut. 

Footsteps stomped down the hallway until they could no longer be heard, when you heard the distinct sound of the elevator you timidly turned around...Should you…? Of course you should! Whatever had happened, it didn’t sound good. Nodding to yourself you swallowed thickly as you  walked back to the door as you frowned. The sobbing was still muffled but could be heard inside and it was enough to break your heart...It wasn’t your business but…

You gently knocked on the door, no response sounding, just tears. Gently you opened the door, timidly gazing inside only to feel your heart crumble at the familiar sight. 

Chan Hee. 

Naked yet curled up, not on the bed, but on the ground against it with her knees curled to her chest and tears streaming down her face, an ugly welt on her cheek as her body trembled. Fumbling you closed the door behind you as you rushed up to her figure that seemed so small in comparison to any other time you’ve seen her.

Chan Hee, was the image of confidence, of not caring whether people saw her as bitchy or conceited. To see her so weak, so vulnerable, it crushed you more than you ever thought it would, “Chan Hee?” You weakly called out as you kneeled down, grabbing the throw blanket off the bed as she whimpered, her arms squeezing tightly around her knees, “Y-you should go.” She stammered, tears streaking down her cheeks as you wrapped the blanket around her body, “H-he’ll b-be back soon…” 

“I’m not leaving you here by yourself.” You gritted your teeth, brows pinching together in anger as she sniffled, yes you may not have been on the best terms with her but you’d never turn your back to someone in need  and right now she needed someone, “For all the differences we might have I would never leave you or anyone else here.”

Her fists coiled around the blanket as she lowered her gaze, trembling as tears dripped down her cheeks, standing up you gathered her clothes that were scattered across the floor before sitting down next to her, “Nobody fucking told me it would be a whore house here.” She sniffed as she gritted her teeth, wiping her eyes once more with trembling hands. 

“I was told…” You murmured as you glanced at the floor, Chan Hee glancing at you as she rubbed her eyes, “But I just didn’t listen, didn’t even think about it.” You gave a hurmorless smile at the floor before it dropped, silently berating yourself on how ignorant you chose to be despite the many times Jungkook warned you, “I was so naive and dumb, it didn’t even register in my brain until this morning.

It was quiet for a moment as you both sat in silence before you shuffled, “C’mon, let’s get you dressed. I’d rather not be here when he comes back.” Chan Hee shakily sat herself on the bed, surprisingly letting you help her get dressed.

Her legs were particularly twitchy, her eyes seemed glassy still and her gaze distant, “...I didn’t care at first,” She whispered under her breath, not looking at you as you pulled the top over her head, “...Sex is sex, it was just another tip under my belt...But after the first round...it was just too much,” Her eyes were beginning to water again as she scoffed despite her lips quivering, “...And even when I told him to stop he-” She inhaled, choking back a sob that made your own eyes water. 

Kneeling down in front of her you gently grabbed her hands, her gaze was down in her lap as fresh tears trickled down her cheeks, it was odd seeing Chan Hee seem so...ashamed, broken even, “Chan Hee, I know apologizing isn’t going to fix what happened, but I am sorry. It shouldn’t be like this, everything in Seasonella... Come on, where’s your room at? You shouldn’t be subjected to this anymore.” 

Chan Hee didn’t reject your movement as you helped her up, your pulse speeding up as you opened the door, timidly glancing around before walking up ahead to the other elevator, only praying you wouldn’t run into the man that did this, “Fifth floor, 32.” She murmured, her body trembling a little as you both got into the elevator. 

The strippers floor was quiet, almost all rooms vacant as everyone was out filling client rooms or dancing, you helped Chan Hee into her room as you set her on her bed, feeling a little lost until she weakly laid down, “I’ll be okay,” She murmured, curling up against her covers as she hugged her pillow, “...thank you.” Two words and yet they felt so hopeless and sad, you mustered a small smile as you nodded before reluctantly turning around. 

Your thoughts lingered on Chan Hee before flittering to Seokjin’s words, and then briefly they stayed on Jungkook. Sighing you pinched the bridge of your nose as you shook your head, pushing the cardkey into the slot before walking into the large room. 

What you didn’t expect was the room to be vacant. You had been gone at least twenty minutes and Diego still wasn’t here? You frowned as you warily stepped into the room, it at first appeared like a lodge of some sort, couches facing each other with a small kitchen at the back wall, up the two steps however was the large king size bed and a desk with a dresser nearby. Despite the room's large size, his main bedroom seemed almost small. 

Your eyes honed in on the messy desk, Seokjin’s words replaying in your mind before Chan Hee’s figure reminded you why you were here. Maybe they would pretend like everything was okay and bare it, but you weren’t. Not when stuff like this was happening. Carefully you glanced around the room before looking over your shoulder at the door as you walked up to the desk. 

Pushing through some of the paper you frowned as you picked up a document of sorts. 

Warehouse 15: Currently full 

Shipments will need to be made by the 22nd and deadlines for payments will be cut off by the 25th when the cargo has arrived, we’ll need to gain the last set of the cargo during the weekend of the 18th-

You jumped at the sound of the door closing, hurriedly dropping the document as you swiftly turned around. Diego’s figure was skewered by the corner of the wall, “You’re here.” You welcomed as you painted a smile on your face despite the back of your mind rampantly running at whatever you just read, warehouse 15? What was held in it that was full? And clients? Was this what Seasonella was about? Today was the 18th, the start of the weekend…

“Seems someone is eager to see me.” Diego sent you a wink as he pulled the jacket off as you felt your smile tense a little, he seemed tired as he loosened his tie. 

You slowly made your way down the two steps into the main lodge as you sat down on the couch, “Well it was getting a little lonely here...Did you take care of your business?” You asked carefully, keeping your eyes wide and doe like to appear innocent as you folded your hands into your lap. 

Diego chuckled a little, unbuttoning his waist coat as he sat down a little closer to you then you would’ve liked but you didn’t move away, “Yes, it’s all finished now. No need to worry about that doll, c’mere.” You squeaked a little at the way his hands grabbed onto your waist, pulling you to straddle his lap. 

It felt foreign as you had never slept with a client before and the only man you had slept with in months was...Jungkook...you felt somewhat nauseous thinking about him, thinking about what you were about to do, “You’ve got all my attention now,” Diego licked his lips as he pushed the hair from your face, your body tense as you resisted to pull away from his touch like you wanted. 

It wasn’t warm and tender like Jungkook’s, one that made you want to bury further into him. No, this felt somewhat condescending in a way, as if your hand was being twisted behind your back and his grip was lifeless of any sort of care or love, “Relax baby, you seem so tense.” Diego purred as his hands slid to your waist. 

You let the smile turn more charismatic as you giggled a little, shrugging as you forced your thoughts into the back of your head, “It’s just been a...long day...but incredible I mean…” You let your smile turn more coy, girlish as you tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, “I’m in Las Vegas, it’s a little overwhelming...I just can’t help but wonder, how did Seasonella begin Diego?” You tilted your head innocently as you let your hands press gently against his chest.

 “Curious are we?” He chuckled a little, a smirk coiling on his lips as you rolled your hips a little enticingly, the more you gave the more willing he’d be to speak on this, or so you hoped, “Seasonella was originally just an annual meeting held between my fathers men yearly,” His hands rested on your hips as you swayed them against his, letting them roll along the hardening bulge of his cock,, “It slowly began to grow into his men bringing other references, and those references bring theirs until it grew even more, eventually it became more like an open party to the right people to come and do business with us. It’s what made our wealth skyrocket.” 

You were having a difficult time relaxing as he leaned in against your neck, lips trailing along your neck as your breath catched a little as you focused everything onto his words. You’d need more than that to go on. You wiggled your hips a little more as you pulled away, letting your lips tug into a cute pout before letting them twist into a playful smile, “And that’s it? That’s how you started taking strippers from across the globe to attend?” 

Diego placed his hands on your hips as you gave them a little sway, pretending as if you totally hadn’t felt his obviously lacking hard on, “When the meeting starting becoming bigger and more akin to a party we started hiring on entertainment,” You could see the way Diego was becoming more pliable, more willing to spill whatever you wanted so you could hurry up, “Of course it ended up benefiting us in the end, we invest they give us girls. It works out.” 

What…? 

Diego, perhaps realizing how his words sounded didn’t give you a chance to question him further, you squeaked as he pushed you down onto the couch, climbing on top of you as you swallowed thickly, “But enough of that doll. I’m more interested in how tight that little cunt is.”  You jumped a little at his lips attaching to your neck, the sharp moan leaving you before you could stop it. 

Diego’s hands dragged their way down your waist as you squirmed beneath him, controlling your breaths as adrenaline shot through your veins. Just today  and tomorrow, that’s all you needed to get through. 

“Kookie, why have you been so quiet?” Eva turned to face him with a pouty frown, shifting the blanket to cover her plump perky breasts as she laid her head against her arms, observing the way Jungkook laid on his back, his expression dimmed and the frown harshly twisted on his lips. 

The door had just closed and her friend who had joined them in such an incredible night in bed had taken her leave. Jungkook didn’t reply for a moment, unsure of how to before he finally shrugged, sitting up as the blanket fell off his chest revealing the broad chiseled sight that was making her rub her thighs together all over again, “Eva can I be honest with you?”

It was a dumb question, because while he was sure she was going to say yes despite the likelihood that she’d accept his words was….rather slim.

Eva gave him a wide, excited smile, as if she thought for sure he was slowly beginning to open up to her. Sitting up eagerly, she clutched the sheets against her chest as she gave him a timid smile, “Of course you can Jungkook, I’ll never judge you.” Rather than make him smile though Jungkook’s brows only furthered as he sighed, running a hand through his damp hair, “What do you think we are, relationally speaking?” He wanted to cringe at the question, but it was something he had been thinking about. Eva had continuously gloated to her friends about her ‘boyfriend when Jungkook had made himself clear several times before that he was not her boyfriend.. 

Eva’s cheeks dusted a light pink as she glanced coyly at the blankets, “Well...I thought I made my point Kook. If it weren’t for my studies I’d be in Korea...with you...I like you....a lot...I have since we met last year.” 

Jungkook didn’t mean to let the groan escape him but it was too late, Eva had stiffened somewhat as she glanced at him carefully awaiting his response, “Eva….” His words didn’t sound promising he knew it, but Jungkook wanted to make himself very clear, “You do understand that I’m only here because I have to be here? Right? You’re a nice girl but…” Should he bring you into this conversation? No...he’ll need to make it discreet, “I’ve met someone...Someone I really love...” 

Jungkook felt somewhat timid meeting her gaze, it was worse than he had hoped for truthfully. Eva was as stiff as a board and her gaze was darkening by the second before she gave a loud scoff that came out as if she was trying to force it into a laugh, her smile sharper than usual as she replied, “Love…? Maybe it’s just me but if you really loved someone, you wouldn’t be working as a stripper and sleeping with people behind her back.”

Jungkook had parted his lips to object but quickly snapped them shut, remembering he had told himself he was leaving you out of this. He couldn’t help but feel guilty though, did he really love you if he was doing this? He could feel it eating him alive inside as she gave him a snide smile, “Yeah, that’s what I thought. I get it Jungkook I do, we’ve been apart a year, but just give it a shot!” 

Eva ignored the way his body tensed as she climbed into his lap, cupping his face as her smile softened a little, “I think we could really work Jungkook...besides...you know I can offer you anything she could and even more,” Jungkook’s jaw clenched against her grip and he refused to meet her eyes, “And you know it, I’ll take care of you, provide for you, my family will keep you safe from KOI and I know how much of a strangle hold they’ve had on you before.” 

Letting her forehead rest against his she leaned in, his lips were so soft and addictive. Eva only felt them for a few seconds before she was pushed away, her lips even parted in somewhat offense at the aggressive and cold glare he gave her, “I’ll sleep with you all you want, I’ll play boyfriend while I’m here, I’ll let you have your fun with your friends,” She whined a little as he shoved her against the bed climbing on top of her, “But don’t you ever fucking kiss me like you’re actually apart of my life. You know nothing about me or who I am and it’s going to be kept this way.”

Jungkook roughly rolled her onto her stomach as he growled, “Now I’m gonna spank this ass until it’s bruised and you’re gonna count you disobedient bitch.” He didn’t even wait for her to speak, she was already moaning and whining as his hand slammed against the delicate pale skin of her ass. Jungkook didn’t care how much she knew about him or how much she could dangle his past over his head, there would always be few things off limits and this was one of them. 

…

It was morning, you knew it was. Light streamed through the windows and it looked like a beautiful day outside, blue sky with billowing white clouds. If you were back home in Korea you would’ve begged Jungkook to take you to the market where you’d go to look for plants and succulents to add to your collection. 

But you weren’t home. No. You were in Diego Friar’s bed with thighs that ached and like they were on fire with your stomach churning for the past thirty minutes. He had left a while ago saying he had work to take care of and that he’d meet you in the cafe for breakfast. That was okay, you didn’t want him to stay anyways. You felt gross, every inch of your body felt disgusting and you knew a shower wouldn’t be enough to make you feel better. 

Trying to ignore the dull throb of your stomach you sat up feeling somewhat numb as you carefully dressed yourself. Glancing at Diego’s desk you deflated even more, all the paper that had been thrown across was gathered and most likely taken by him this morning. Standing up you winced as you forced yourself to walk. You weren’t going to break down...you weren’t going to break down crying…

No matter how much you repeated it in your head you still felt tears glossing in your eyes as you punched the bottom floor button, the elevator was making your stomach feel even worse as you groaned silently, the elevator was too small and there were too many people here. 

As soon as the doors slid open you pushed your way out, the churn of your stomach becoming too much and you needed to find a bathroom, fast, “Oh hey Y/n-” Jimin’s eyes widened a little as you shoved past him and into the bathroom. 

Unable to even lock the stall door as you lurched down onto your knees, the sour taste of alcohol and last night's meal coming up as you coughed rancidly, spitting out bile as tears trickled down your cheeks from the force of your cough as you began to dry heave up any last bits. 

Sitting down against the toilet you couldn’t help but let the tears trickle down your face as you let out a sob. God you felt disgusting, would Jungkook even want to be with you today after knowing...After seeing? Your hands trembled as you sobbed into them. Sniffling harshly as you forced yourself up to stand, flushing away the reminder of what had happened before wobbling out to the sink to fix yourself up. 

Your eyes still looked bloodshot but it wasn’t notable as long as someone didn’t stare for long, you rinsed your mouth out with the sink water, gurgling a few times as you gagged while spitting it out, the raw burn of your throat a reminder of what had just happened. 

Opening the door you jumped a little to see the sight of Jimin leaning against the wall with one foot, arms crossed as his eyes landed on you, a frown quirking onto his lips as he sighed, “...You...look like you’ve seen better days.” He picked his words carefully, “You good?” 

You closed your eyes briefly, trying to ignore the churn of your stomach already despite having just thrown up, “As well as I can be, I just...Sorry I didn’t mean to push you, I just uh...threw up.” You gave a weak smile as Jimin examined your figure, “Sorry. It’s just been a long night.” 

He nodded understandingly, “Well I’m sure your body is already going through a lot as it is, you should really lay down and rest.” You sighed at his words, glancing away from him as you rubbed your forehead. 

“I told Diego i’d be at breakfast in the cafe....What are you doing here?” You pressed your brows together as you tilted your head, why was Jimin here anyways? You had been in too much of a rush to think much of it before.

Jimin snorted, “I was going to breakfast but after you rushed past me I figured I’d stay behind to check on you. Like I said, you look like you’ve seen better days. Who cares about Diego? I’m sure he won’t be hurt if you skip.” 

“...Well yeah but…” You trailed off with a frown causing Jimin to peer at you somewhat confused as you sighed, stepping closer to him as you lowered your voice, “...You’re the only one I’m going to tell but...Something is going on here Jimin,” You glanced up at him, your gaze serious and even boarding harsh as you continued, “And I’m going to find out what it is and stop it.” 

Jimin’s gaze hardened a little as he frowned, “Y/n…” He shook his head a little in disdain as you scoffed while stepping away from him. Why was it everyone was so fucking scared? This wasn’t right! Whatever it was! “These people are dangerous...Be careful. I need to go get breakfast for myself and Rosé but...just be careful okay? There’s a reason a lot of us just leave it alone.” His gaze was a silent warning as you nodded reservedly before you let Jimin walk past you. 

Sighing you pinched the bridge of your nose. Why must everything be so secretive?

Breakfast hour was always Jungkook’s favorite part of Seasonella, free food and he could officially go and sleep off the ache of his body for the rest of the day before rinse repeat in this scenario. It was normal to eat with said client and no matter how annoying it was Jungkook would tolerate it when you were just in eyesight. 

No matter how much it pissed him off. You wouldn’t meet his gaze and he knew exactly why, your neck was shamelessly covered in hickies and there was a slight limp in your walk when you showed up, oddly by yourself and it for a moment made every sense in his body tell him to go sit with you and coddle you.

 It was like his conversation with Eva the night before hadn’t even existed, either she was truly dense or she was cooking something up. 

Jungkook didn’t like the way she smiled and laughed with all of her friends, some passing jokes to each other in hopes of maybe buttering him up about how good he was in bed to get one more round in before he’d call it quits. But no amount of jokes or compliments were getting him to budge. He had managed a few smiles and jokes as well but nothing more than playful banter. 

He kept his gaze towards you minimally, but he felt somewhat useless when his gaze met yours, had you been looking at him too? 

Jungkook could feel his outer charming mask begin to crumble at the way your lips quivered and your eyes shooting back down to your untouched food. The sudden need to touch you, to hold you filling his veins. His fingers began to thrum against the table in impatience before he checked his phone, he couldn’t wait, it was nearly killing him.

Jungkook swallowed thickly at how sharp and dry your words over text were, were you actually okay. You hadn’t looked at him once when you got up from the table, your food untouched as you left. He could only sigh and endure the rest of breakfast until he was finally free of Eva’s claws the rest of the day. 

Jungkook’s body was objecting to every sluggish step he took back to his room, it had been awhile since he actually pulled an all nighter, well into the morning hours without any sleep whatsoever. Rubbing his eyes he yawned as he opened the door, quietly closing it as he felt his once tense muscles relaxed at the familiar sight. 

You were curled up against the bed, the large hoody- his as a matter of fact, drowning your body and the hood pulled over your head while you buried in the large pillows. Jungkook felt his lips curve a little into a soft smile as he changed out of his sticky previously sweat stained clothes, feeling relieved to just be comfortable once more as he drew the large thick currents over the window to darken the room before he sat down on the bed. His hand gently stroking your waist. 

What he hadn’t expected was the violent jolt from you before jerking away making him frown. Jungkook had anticipated you wanting his touch after such an...intense night but, maybe he was wrong... His jaw clenched slightly at the way your body tensed and didn’t seem to relax at the realization he was in bed with you. He didn’t even want to think about what you went through last night. 

Not wanting to push your comfort zone Jungkook sighed as he laid down on his side of the bed, your back was turned to him and you hadn’t even greeted him yet. Oh well, words didn’t need to be spoken. Jungkook could only let his gaze longingly stare against your figure that was curled away from him. God he just wanted to hold you, now he couldn’t even do that. 

....

Your mind felt fuzzy, that kind of drowsiness you wake up with when you decide to take a nap at an odd hour and when you wake up you don’t know what time it is and if it’s day or night. You groaned as you rolled over, your muscles gripping at the sight of an empty bed. Where did Jungkook go? 

You were aware you hadn’t been...the kindest...but maybe you were just still reeling from last night. That didn’t mean you didn’t want to see him though...You felt yourself relax at the sight of Jungkook appearing from the bathroom, his lips quirking up a little at the sight of your half awake figure. 

“I have a bath running, we need to get you cleaned up.” Jungkook sat down on the side of the bed as he let his hand stroke through your hair, your body flinched a little at the contact, your poor scalp was still sore from how much Diego had pulled on your hair. Jungkook frowned before tenderly letting his fingers run along your scalp. 

“Thanks.” You replied dryly, a tiny bit of humor detected in your tone while letting your lips tug into a tiny smile, it was hard to keep a straight face when you were around Jungkook, even like this. It was something Jungkook seemed to return so easily, his fingers sliding down to your cheek to gently stroke along it. 

“That’s not what I meant,” He clacked his tongue, trying to give you a scolding look but failing as his lips twisted into a smile, “C’mere,” Jungkook internally sighed, his heart broke for you, he could see how much you were struggling to not instinctively push him away as your body tensed and flinched as he picked you up. You really were trying your best to relax in his grip as he carried you to the bathroom, “It’s not about you being dirty, it’s about me not wanting you to get an infection.” 

Jungkook already had a fresh set of clothes folded neatly on the closed toilet seat as he set you on the counter, tugging off the sweatshirt that covered your body as he sighed. His lips unable to stay smiling as they twisted into a sad frown at the hickies your body sported and bruises on your hips in the shape of fingers.

 “I get it. It was a lot,” He mumbled as he pulled out a hairbrush from his bag that laid on the ground, gently untangling your hair as he refused to meet your gaze, “But I’d never hurt you baby. You know that right? I don’t want you to ever think I’d make you do something you don’t want too. I don’t want to know what happened last night, but I’ll never treat you the way he did.” 

Your shoulders kept tensing and relaxing over and over again as Jungkook finished brushing your hair, finally glancing down at you as he sighed, tears were beginning to streak down your face as you closed your eyes, “I feel so fucking gross.” You finally relented, your hands shaking as you pressed them into your eyes, “I...I...Jungkook...I feel so disgusting.” 

And you did, you felt ruined. Like you didn’t deserve to even be in the same room as Jungkook at the moment. Why would he even want you now? After...after last night...Jungkook hushed you gently as he wrapped his arms around you tenderly pressing a kiss against your head, his heart lurching and it hurt with every beat at the tears you cried, “Shhh, it’ll be okay baby. Just tonight and we’re done. Shhh, don’t cry baby.” 

For the first time you had craved his warmth all over again, letting his arms tighten around you as he cradled you close, peppering kisses against your hair before eventually coaxing you into the nice warm tub. 

It felt normal, as if you weren’t at Seasonella or like Diego and Eva never happened. It was just you and Jungkook, his arms still loosely wrapped around you, his fingers dancing along your skin beneath the water soothingly and his lips occasionally pecking softly against the hickies. As if to make them feel better, as if to make them his even if they weren’t. 

After a hefty amount of coaxing Jungkook had finally gotten you to give in, your fists clenched as you sucked in a sharp breath, “What happens in this bathtub, stays in this bathtub by the way.” You heard him chuckle as you whined, pressing your forehead against the cold tile of the wall, “Do I need stitches? It feels like I do.”

Jungkook sighed as if him staring at your asshole with cheeks spread open was something he did everyday, “No you don’t need stitches. There’s some blood, yeah but that’s just because he didn’t properly prep you. Poor baby.” He let go of your cheeks before letting his hand gently rub against the bruised surface, “I’ll clean it up, outside of it hurting there’s nothing actually wrong. Luckily we can get you some medicine for that.” 

You winced as he spread them back open. You never in your life, thought you’d be in a bathtub with your asscheeks spread just so Jungkook could clean you up. You thought you had gotten past any sort of embarrassment you’d ever feel around Jungkook yet it seemed like he lived to prove you wrong. You sucked in another breath as you felt the soft warm bath cloth rub against the aching puckered ring. 

“There, all better.” Jungkook set the bathcloth down before tenderly grabbing your waist, guiding you to sit back down in the nice soothingly hot water as he pressed another kiss against your neck, “Can’t believe he’d actually do that to you.” He gritted his teeth as he muttered under his breath.

You shifted a little, nibbling against your lip, you knew that wasn’t his invitation to getting you to talk about it but… “It was dark….I doubt he realized it was blood…” You mumbled, you could feel his skin tense beneath you as he huffed. 

“If there was blood involved you can’t tell me you weren’t crying.” Jungkook tried to keep his voice a steady note but he could feel his anger beginning to rise, just the idea made him sick to his stomach. 

You didn’t have the heart to mention he was right, you had cried while mumbling your safeword a fair amount of times when anal got involved, maybe if you had just said something he’d....But did you even want his comfort though? No, you gritted your teeth and dealt with it because you wanted that disgusting human being away from you as soon as he blew his load. 

Jungkook pulled you out of the water, wrapping a warm fluffy towel around you as he carefully dried you off, saying no more on the subject as it was clear neither of you really wanted to talk about it. No, you just wanted to enjoy what time you could with him.

Pulling on the fresh pair of panties and Jungkook helped you tug on the comfy gym shorts before pulling the nice warm sweatshirt over your head, it smelt like him, your favorite smell. 

Sitting down in bed you patiently waited for Jungkook as he typed in the password on your laptop, intending to put something on for you both to watch as he set in on the bed, a knock on the door making you both alert.

You glanced at Jungkook in confusion as he gave you a weak smile, “I know you said you weren’t hungry but baby...you need to eat something.” You frowned a little as you tugged on a strand of hair. Opening the door he pulled out his wallet, paying for the food before closing the door behind him. Taking a seat on the bed as he opened up the takeout boxes, you wouldn’t deny the glee that entered your body at the sight of Chow Mein and Shrimp. 

One bite into your food though immediately made your stomach lurch, your hand squeezing against the wooden chopsticks as you forced yourself to swallow. Jungkook was right, you needed to eat something. It didn’t matter how tasty it was though, it made you sick to your stomach the more you ate. 

One more bite and you had to put down your chopsticks, Jungkook frowned as he noticed your hand covering your mouth, “Hey, you okay baby?” He couldn’t even finish his words before you were already scrambling off the bed at your stomach lurching and your throat constricting. You barely made it to the toilet before you were already throwing up what little you had eaten, dry heaving despite nothing coming up.

You couldn’t stand when people tried to comfort you when you were throwing up and Jungkook got a good taste of that when he attempted the first time he witnessed you hungover. Your vision was blurred with tears as you spat up the vile taste that lingered in your mouth, after a few moments Jungkook entered the bathroom as you wiped your mouth with toilet paper, tossing it carelessly in before weakly pulling the handle. 

Your body trembled as he sighed, pressing a kiss on top of your head, “You good?” He sat down as he wrapped his arms loosely around you. 

“Y-yeah, I just haven’t been able to keep anything down.” Your body trembled once more as you curled against him, letting him pick you up before delicately carrying you back to bed. 

Leaned against him you weakly curled up as you sighed, your head was beginning to throb once more and your stomach ached with a lingering aftertaste of vomit, god you felt so weak and Chow Mein was not as good as you remembered it tasting. Closing your eyes once more you relaxed on top of Jungkook’s laid out figure, his hand tenderly stroking your back as you nudged into his neck. You’d be happy when all of this was over.

Note: I got way too impatient and just decided to post this chapter a few hours early, not that y’all are complaining 😂 Let me know what you guys think about everything going on! It’s a lot to take in! 🖤

(Taglist: Due to a bug on my blog nobody will receive notifications from my taglist so I’ve decided to skip it this update, should things return to normal on my blog the taglist will resume!)

[permian-tropos]

so one of the things that kind of drives me up the wall about fandom “discourse” is that there are so many meta level topics that don’t get talked about bc the big debates are about the subject matter of fiction, not… what it means to be fannish.

in fandom, we are all trying to play this collective game where the fiction matters — so that it does something for us. makes us happy, makes us feel things, helps us socialize, inspires us. and the way to make it matter is to invent rules, invent concepts, play out social hierarchy struggles.

but in order to not cause actual harm to people over meaningless bullshit, we need to be able to pause the game. some people find that really easy because “yeah duh it’s just fiction” and then other people seem to find it impossible because it would take away the socially constructed significance of fandom itself.

but as someone who does fit better into the latter category despite thinking people need to chill the fuck out about fiction… I have thought a lot about the weird and intricate details of caring far too much about fiction!

like sometimes I wonder why I have never heard it said that ship wars are born from vicarious romantic jealousy. is it too obvious to say directly or not obvious enough? we say that shippers hate threats and rivals to their ship, but do we ever say — that’s because the flip side to romantic attachment is romantic rejection and jealousy. because if a fictional ship activates the euphoria in your brain associated with romantic love, it can also activate the famously unbearable dysphoria of not getting that love the way you want it.

and is vicarious jealousy actually a bad thing? I don’t think so! it’s just that fandom currently doesn’t seem to aestheticize that experience as much. but step outside of fandom and literally half of all songs you know are about heartbreak, about love that doesn’t work like you wanted it to. people crave art that lets them cope with those feelings. the worldwide and timeless popularity of art about crimes of passion and wanting to die for love is not just indicative of how relatable those feelings are, but the universal need to mitigate and cope.

so if you’re in a fandom and you don’t seem to have an artistic, aestheticized, nonconfrontational way to cope with romantic anxiety… that’s a little strange since it’s widespread elsewhere. and it’s not like fannish people never have relationship troubles. we do… and yet… we sort of pretend we don’t? or we don’t talk about it as honestly with our art. we don’t explore jealousy. these days in fiction relationships are deemed either healthy or unhealthy. and the idea of a relationship making you feel like you want to kill or die has been relegated to it being taboo or disgusting… but that’s not emotionally honest, is it? jealousy isn’t always moral. a relationship that makes you feel so bad it’s like the world is ending isn’t necessarily abusive or toxic. that only counts if it’s your relationship. but if it’s somebody else’s…

so what are healthy ways to vent jealous feelings in ship communities? off the top of my head I can imagine being appeased by a spotify playlist themed around my otp not being together, but my notp is, and the rejected loser is very sad about it. cause that’s not hating on rival shippers, it’s just letting the negative feelings become something appealing and cathartic. and it doesn’t suggest that other people in fandom are doing anything wrong

this is such a weird long ramble of a post but basically my point is that we don’t tend to have these kinds of discussions. and… we should?

[littlestarlost]

what happened.

All this hunger is Always following us Out where we survive under poisonous skies They’re dreaming, but nobody’s sleeping Just coked hearts speeding See all the gold teeth gleaming See all the young, healthy free men Just move into nothing

(CW: discussion of mental health, trauma, PTSD)

A version of this post has been sitting in my drafts folder for ten months. I know this, because I originally began to write it around late January, just in time for the one-year mark to have passed since I’d last updated Setting Sun. When I posted that most recent update, I had just turned 30 years old, and I promised that it would not be another year before the next update. I wanted, so badly, for that to be true. In hindsight, it’s honestly better that I failed to keep that promise; I fear it might have exacerbated the damage that’s already been done, and made the healing process that much harder.

It’s been nearly two years. I want to talk about what happened.

I first began to write about Yuuri Katsuki and Victor Nikiforov because I recognized myself so keenly in them; Yuuri’s high-achieving anxiety and imposter syndrome, and Victor’s quietly functional depression. When I found YOI, I was in grad school; I was winning awards, the top of my class, and utterly terrified that it was all a sham. Being able to channel those emotions through these characters helped me realize my own greatness, to embody it and walk with confidence and bravado. It allowed me to go into my post-degree job search with my head held high, trusting that all the lessons I had learned would lead me to professional success. Yuuri and Victor walked through life with me, two shadows of my own psyche, two people who helped me understand myself.

The first few months of the job were fine. Then things became less than fine, and then continued to descend into the kind of mundane nightmare that only multinational corporate legal firms could manifest. Setting Sun, a story about love and self-acceptance and joy, began to twist around in on itself. I don’t want to go into detail, but suffice to say that I spent nearly two years being gaslit and abused, told I was worthless, constantly having panic attacks as I desperately tried to exert control over things that were way over my head. My body betrayed me; I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk, so stressed I couldn’t bring myself to eat unless I’d smoked weed to calm the nausea. I began to believe that I had peaked in grad school, that I was fooling myself, that I was going to be trapped in that cubicle for the rest of my life, doing grunt work without challenge or interest, in the kind of workplace where you get reported to HR for sighing too loudly. That is a thing that actually fucking happened to me; nobody asked why I might be sighing, and nobody stopped by to check in when I spent most days in tears. This was a place where less than half the people in the room put up their hands when asked if they had ever been creative as kids. This was a place where I almost never got to see the sun.

Because I was massively overqualified and even more massively underworked, I spent a lot of 2018 writing fanfic--my zine pieces, my zutara pieces, all sorts of creative things. I also began to write horror AUs; two stories, in particular, gained a fair amount of traction on this particular platform. When I look back now, I see them for the coping mechanisms that they were; in the case of the crossroads AU, where Yuuri is willing to sell his soul to the devil just to escape his commute, it wasn’t even particularly subtle. I poured all my energy into creative pursuits; it’s been my outlet my whole life, and for a while it helped. By the time I hit the SCP-9874 AU, I burned out so profoundly and utterly that it destroyed my relationship to YOI and cauterized the pieces. SCP-9874 was one of the most creative things I’ve ever done, but it also involved what is, in hindsight, a shocking level of violence and horror inflicted on these characters who were such a close part of me. I was doing this to them because I was hurting, all the time. I now recognize it as the cry for help that it was, and to this day I fantasize about taking down all the SCP-9874 posts and excising that portion of my legacy as much as possible.

I wrote Setting Sun’s 21st chapter in honour of my 30th birthday, in late January of 2019. Somehow, at the time, I didn’t realize how rough it was. How much it implied about me and how I was doing. How much it reflected the true extent of the damage I was suffering. I left Victor and Yuuri in an abandoned apartment with more questions than answers and more regrets than they or I had ever thought possible, and I thought, somehow, that this was a good turning point. Little did I know at the time that the worst was still to come.

I was able to finally escape that toxic office last October, when I found a new job that paid nearly double and was everything I wanted to do in life and more. But  Yuri on Ice hurt too much to think about, even as time marched forward and I began to heal. I had PTSD flashbacks to the old office; I dealt with echo upon echo of terror that everything would fall away to reveal I was trapped in the same old nightmare again. In January 2020, I actually took a few days off for my birthday and reread Setting Sun from the beginning, and I’d somehow forgotten how funny it is, how sweet it is, how hopeful. I had completely forgotten; it had been burned away by twenty months of agony. That realization hurt more than all the other ones put together, I think. I had a good long cry over that.

Fast forward to now, and people have started to find Setting Sun again. They’ve found it on and off in the months since I updated, and for a very long time I would read the truly lovely comments people wrote--thanking me for writing it, hoping I’d come back someday, wishing me well wherever I was--and I would dissolve into tears because I just...couldn’t. I couldn’t bear to go back to this story that I could no longer recognize myself in. And nowadays, when new commenters come, I will warn them about that last chapter I wrote, because I can recognize it as the outlier it is.

But something has very recently changed.

I couldn’t necessarily tell you exactly what. Maybe it’s that I passed the one-year mark at my new job, and the last of the poison has finally been excised. Maybe it’s because I’m looking at all my writing with new eyes as I prepare to try doing this for a living. Maybe it’s because it’s 2020, and the rules aren’t really relevant anymore. I don’t know. But I can say that, two weekends ago, I opened Setting Sun, and realized that it didn’t seem impossible anymore. I realized that the boys had been through more than enough. We’ve been through more than enough. We deserve the happy ending I always planned to give them, going back four whole years when I first planned out this massive weird tale.

It’s been a very long time. It’s been exactly long enough.

I can’t promise exactly when the final chapter of Setting Sun will arrive. I’m walking back onto previously thin ice, and my footsteps are more than a little hesitant, so as not to cause any undue cracks. But I can remember the joy and humour and fun again; I can conceive of jokes and silliness and sweetness again. My playlist is filling up again, with songs of hope and love instead of anguish and sorrow. The Yuuri and Victor who sit inside my heart are skating; the music is carrying them, the wind is rushing past their ears, their feet feel light again and they want to jump and take flight and make beautiful things.

I have bookended this post with lyrics from a song that’s been on the maybe list for Setting Sun for nearly as long as Setting Sun has existed. It’s a song I love quite profoundly, a song that means a lot to me personally, but I could never manage to make it fit. It’s a song about running away to the big bright city, about being broken on the world’s wheel, and about realizing you just want to go home. It’s a song that’s ostensibly about the tragedy of this process, but right now I’m sitting at my desk, listening to the line I, I, I wanna go back, back, back, back, with grateful tears running down my face, and I’m realizing that it’s not part of Yuuri’s story, nor Victor’s; it’s part of mine. Home may never be the same as when you left, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t waiting for you with open arms.

So that’s what happened.

Put my body on a wagon And carry me off to the ocean Let me float on into the eastern sun Out where tomorrow has just begun Where I used to be wild, back in my time Now I just fight to sleep at night So render me up into the elements Lay me in a light that I can trust Lay me in a light that I can trust Lay me in a light that I come from...

(Gold Teeth, by Hey Rosetta!)

[bisluthq]

hi I’m that RPF anon and first of all thanks for being polite and not completely obliterating on me on sight. I’ve raised this point in the past with other people and t’was a fucking mess, I tell you

In terms of your point, I think I understand where you’re coming from. The whole schtick with celebs purposefully marketing themselves as sexual beings/fantasies and thus, inevitably giving their fanbase the ammunition/material to concoct their fantasies upon. I suppose I’ve never thought of it from a capitalist point of view but it makes much more sense now.

Re the swiftwyn fantasies: idk if I’m being a prude/cupcake but it still seems weird to me. Like, Yh Taylor’s screaming from the rooftops about how she’s getting dicked down on the regular (truly iconic and jealousy inducing in this panoramic if you ask me) but going out of your way to write that up is...not something I completely understand??. But it’s clearly yours (and quite a few people’s) on this blog and given you’re not actively harming anyone, have fun I guess?? It’s confusing to me but so long as the people indulging in it are sane and acknowledge it’s a fantasy (just like any other work of fiction)...no harm done.

But with Joshlie, i do think it’s a bit strange as josh doesn’t market himself as a fantasy? Esp not a sexual one. Like I don’t think it’s fair to say wanting fame = marketing yourself as a sexual being because I don’t think he does that - the two, imo, can be mutually exclusive Also, WHO HAS THE HOTS FOR JOSHUA KUSHNER? pls, like Karlie I get - she’s the smoking hot thirst trap and half of this couple but josh on his own? Nah, he’s just hot by extension/association with Kar sorry not sorry

Now regarding After - I still view After as low-key problematic (the OG books far more than the films) because of how HS was portrayed. He’s supposed to be this mysterious playboy that his fans are meant to thirst after (which is fair and not completely unfounded) but he’s written as a toxic, abusive, gaslighting asshole because the author (she’s a whole diff can of worms to deal with, yikes) decided to just give him a new (v. inaccurate and harmful to young girls) personality.

And it’s not just After that I’ve seen this with, it’s a bunch of fanfiction, RPF and fictional stuff alike. But I suppose that’s again a whole separate problem (problem being the constant romanticisation of abusive behaviour, particularly when helmed by the pretty face of a celeb) to deal with in general.

And in terms of saying, ‘well the movie made bank and so did the people involved so it’s okay’ doesn’t sit right with me because as far as I know, HS didn’t make money off of this? If anyone has info on this please correct me but to my knowledge, the name was just changed to avoid legal problems but I could be wrong. And so jumping off this point, I don’t see how this movie is okay - everyone knows that this is HS fanfic but it’s also a shitty fantasy for young girls to indulge in because it is harmful imo. And tbh, as I’m writing this, world tiniest violin for HS’s image technically being exploited and repackaged without him being able to capitalise on it but the franchise as a whole, imo, is garbage and has a net negative effect. This is complex stuff and, as you can probably tell, I’m kind of on the fence here. Feel free to chime in on what you think ✌🏼

Yeah as I said this is a huge discussion point and one I find very, very interesting because I do see the “EEK NO” angle and was on that side of the fence for this debate for multiple years, so it’s not like I’m purely like, “Oh fuck it don’t be a prude” (well I do say that to people who’re like “HOW DARE YOU WRITE SOFT PORN ON THE INTERNET” but not to like a “is this ethical” debate). 

Re Harry making money off of After - it’s not that he got paid for it per se, but it being fanfic about him defs had people listening to his shit and looking him up more. It’s a symbiotic thing. Same as Idea of You - which has yet to become a movie - definitely leads to an increase in streaming. To me both projects have benefited Harry financially and in terms of growing his fanbases. Is it how he would necessarily want them to grow organically, like if he could choose? I’m not sure, I’d be fascinated to have a discussion with him about it, but I also think he wouldn’t pearl clutch about shit like that because in the end it does benefit him. 

Now we get to like “is this a positive portrayal or not?” which is another thing I personally feel strongly about and why, although I’ve - recently, like this blog is my first venture into this territory, my smut before has been fictional fanfic or original - started writing RPF I wouldn’t write an AU/crack pairing and I wouldn’t write about people who I didn’t think were in a healthy loving relationship. But that’s a moralistic judgement. Like personally I wouldn’t feel comfortable portraying anyone I was writing as an asshole. But.... would me portraying them as an asshole affect their lives? No. After blowing up is bad for young girls who’re being role modelled bad behavior but that’s not the result of it being RPF inspired, like it’s just a bad plot.

As I’ve said, in many ways Taylor has invited fans to imagine her and Joe fucking. Like she’s put out multiple explicit sex songs and yeah we’re allowed to think about that. While Karlie hasn’t, she has shown off her husband and my vibe is... the people on this blog - real people who get comfort from reading shit here and just vibing - find her and him hot and want to imagine them fucking. Even if he hasn’t really invited that, he’s very much featured as her husband in many of her videos and in her public life. He’s a ~presence. My Joshlie fic didn’t say aaaaanything negative about them, like it was based around a public event that we know he left drunk, and then they have fictional sex in their hallway. Is that true? Of course not. Idk. It’s a fantasy that people wanted to indulge because they find them hot. 

Then we also need to zoom out and look at the history of this type of shit because y’all know me I’m all for nuanced views and my obsession with the entertainment industry and the concept of celebrity and the histories thereof and such like... define me. If we think about how showmances and PR relationships started up - thinking in terms of the studio system - there’s a huge element of transference and fantasy. People wanted to see couples on screen be dating in real life. Why? Because then they could imagine their whole lives together, they could project the characters played onto the celebs in question. And that worked both ways, like if a couple was dating in real life, people wanted to see them on screen. That’s RPF. People were obsessed with Burton and Taylor acting together because they wanted Burton and Taylor not because they gave a shit about the film in question.

I think it’s very natural to fantasize. I think there’s a long history of that. And while I understand being like, “Eh I don’t like this” I don’t know how different the logic of going “here’s a short story imagining these famous people in bed” is from “hmmmm I really think Gaga and BCoop fucked because LOOK AT THE CHEMISTRY.”

We can say both are wrong but I also think we need to live in reality, we need to look at what’s profitable, and we need to look at history. And to me at this point it’s just... no big deal. 

I will say the Joshlie stuff would probs make them far more uncomfy than the Swiftwyn stuff would make Swiftwyn but at the same time there are weirder things written about all of them on the internet than me being like, “Here’s a sexy consensual scenario between two people who adore each other” and again people walk away from my blog as bigger fans of all four people by and large and ergo spend money on their shit so eh I’m not feeling like I’m crossing any lines.

And obviously like any smutty RPF scenario is fucking fiction.

Obviously.

[sinceileftyoublog]

Arlo Parks Album Review: Collapsed in Sunbeams

(Transgressive)

BY JORDAN MAINZER

At its core, Arlo Parks’ remarkably assured debut Collapsed in Sunbeams is about finding solidarity in each other’s darkness. Thought much of the record was inspired by or takes from Parks’ life, from transformational periods of time to brief moments, she converses with the listener at a time when most of us can’t meet in person. “We’re all learning to trust our bodies,” she says on the opening title track, a short passage of spoken word over lilting Spanish guitars and synths, “making peace with our own distortions.” At a time when spending time by ourselves allows us to confront past traumas or deep-seated anxieties, or perhaps succumb to them, Parks proposes that we simply declare them.

Indeed, many of the songs on Collapsed in Sunbeams have anthemic, relatable choruses that allow for such concord. “Hurt” imagines a guy whose pain’s leaving him numb; a funky hip-hop beat, saxophone, and slinky bass gradually add back the feeling. “I know you can’t let go / Of anything at the moment / Just know it won’t hurt so much forever,” Parks sings. “It gets better” may be a widely used theme in songs, but it’s nonetheless important and necessary, and Parks’ chorus is simple and effective. Similar is “Hope”, where Parks sings, “You’re not alone like you think you are / We all have scars, I know it’s hard.” Better yet, in the spoken word in the song’s bridge, she admits she’s coming from a place of increasing self-acceptance, too: “Truth is I’m still learning to be open about this.”

Sonically, Parks takes inspiration from many widely beloved artists with a penchant for the melancholy, from Radiohead to Frank Ocean, and while her aesthetic isn’t necessarily singular, it’s powerful in its accessibility, admirably buoying her storytelling. Take “Caroline”, whose wiry guitar lines, rich swells of vocal harmonies and washy synths soundtrack a tale of a fighting couple, inspired by a public fight Parks once witnessed. Like the layers of noise within the song, the story is told with great detail, and it doesn’t really matter whether it’s vividly remembered or slightly embellished because you can see yourself or people you know in the characters. The references within the album, both lyrical and sonic, offer you a chance to relate to the details she carefully chooses to reveal. “You quote Thom Yorke and lean in for a quick kiss / But still you just won’t admit that you like me,” Parks quips on “Too Good”, a wink and a nod to every listener who has met that guy.

Of course, many songs here hold great social importance, too, as Parks tackles aspects of platonic and romantic relationships that both are and aren’t commonly explored in song, from toxicity to claustrophobia. "Green Eyes” contains slightly veiled references to a queer relationship and everyone from strangers to family members to society as a whole judging it negatively. The dark and heartbreaking “For Violet” details a friend who feels helpless about a friend being abused by their father. “Eugene” illustrates the jealousy Parks felt holing in unrequited love for a straight friend in a relationship: “You play him records I showed you / Read him Sylvia Plath / I thought that that was our thing,” she sings, fully realizing that she doesn’t and shouldn’t have ownership over something so intangible, unafraid to admit how she’s feeling anyway.

The unabashed highlight of the album is “Black Dog”, which was released last year and essentially combines many of the themes of the album into one tremendous song. Written for a friend, it’s devotional, nervous, sweet, and a touching tearjerker, as Parks worries about what’s to come of a depressed friend as well as what effect seemingly inconsequential small actions will have on this person. “Sometimes it seems like you won’t survive this / And honestly it’s terrifying,” she admits, vulnerably. The chorus, built around the song’s consistent plucked guitars and infectious groove, has Parks proposing the smallest of activities to “get you out your room.” She admitted she had a lump in her throat recording the song, and anybody who has suffers from or knows somebody who suffers from depression won’t blame her. The emotional centerpiece of the song and really the album in general, is the line, “It’s so cruel what your mind can do for no reason.” This idea, which suggests that our own minds can outsmart the minds of others trying to help, often leading to dire consequences, could lead to a song of despair, and it comes close when Parks sings, “I’d take a jump off the fire escape / To make the black dog go away.” But Parks knows making a pop song so open about these issues does its small part in hopefully erasing the stigma of talking about mental health issues. Pandemic and social distancing for not, interpersonal openness and honesty is its own version of “making rainbows out of something painful,” a symbol of hope when it seems like all is lost. Talk about it, Parks says.

[prinzessinlouise]

hi welcome to my first ever blog lmao..Today imma write about my favourite.. Billie Eilish🐍. So enjoy lol.

Billie Eilish is know to be a songwriter, model, and most known as a singer. She was homeschooled when she was younger and so was her brother Finneas because their parents wanted them to have a creative life and let them kind of do and choose what they were interested in. They also had actor and musician parents so it was a really creative life for them. When Billie was only 6 years old she said she wanted to sing “Happiness is a warm gun” in a talent show and she also joined the choir at 8 years old because her brother was in it and she thought that was cool and it actually helped Billie control her voice without hurting it, she was also in a songwriting class taught by her mom. Billie was 10 years old and she told her parents that she wanted to ride horses but they couldn’t afford it so for 2 summers she worked at the stables all day to get the money she needed to ride. O’Connell was Billie’s real last name but she didn’t like it when she was younger so she changed it to Eilish. She didn’t like her first name either, she said that she would try anything to change it. When she was younger she loved to take pictures and make music videos to random songs she liked. When she was just 11/12 she wrote her first song that was posted on SoundCloud and YouTube, it was called “Fingers Crossed” and it was about the walking dead. HOW SHE GOT FAMOUS When she was 14 she made another song and it was called “Ocean Eyes” for her dance teacher and it blew up of views and listens and she basically got famous overnight. In 2017 she put out her first album called ‘Don’t Smile At Me’. In 2019 she became a lot more popular and put out a album called ‘WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?” and then she became the first female artist born in the 2000s to have a #1 album.

I personally love Billie eilish so much, her music is great, it’s calming, and when you listen to it you know what it means straight away..? Ygm?

The song as you know “ when the party’s over” is about Billie eilish falling in love with a guy who is still recovering from his past relationships, and that he knows he has feelings for Billie but he’s broken, and Billie likes him aswell but she knows she can’t be with him. The video she made for this song portrays her as being locked in a painful cycle of self destruction. She continues to willingly engage in a toxic relationship until it utterly consumes and destroys her.

In the song “xanny” Billie is explaining in her song that Billie found herself with some toxic friends. They are always high and drunk and she wasn’t into that kind of stuff. Most people would say that they are just high but she says, “bring ashtrays to the table, and that’s about the only thing they share”. They mostly were probably rude, and would never communicate with her.she was always the one watching over them taking care of them and watching them make their mistakes The song title was meant to kinda sound like the drug Xanax. Like the mood keeps changing you. Billie probably was being suggested to have it and kept saying no.

The song “ wish you were gay” as Billie eilish says “I wrote this song about a guy that really was not interested in me and it made me feel horrible, so the song is called ‘Wish You Were Gay’. Some people find this song very offensive which I don’t know what there is to be offended about the song. The song itself is about how Billie has an interest in a boy who doesn’t feel the same way. She wishes the guy was gay so she wouldn’t think it’s something about her that's preventing the guy from liking her back. If others find it offensive, I don’t necessarily understand how, but I mean everyone is entitled to their opinions.

The song “You should see me in a crown” was about Sherlock.. tbh I thought there was going to be more meaning about this song but it was just a sentence in a movie from

Jim moriarty saying “ you should see me in a crown”I like the way they all scream

billie eilish explained that she thought the line was dope/cool because if you heard it in a dark room, it'd be terrifying and her goal is to freak the people out who’s going to be listening and hearing.

when she said “Cause even God herself” why use the term “herself” who is this ‘she’ she speaks of? Does she speak of herself ?? Or maybe She is refering it to the Mother Earth. Woah, big brain moment now i understand/see the song in a different way now… so Billie prob. meant in the line “once the water starts to rise and heaven’s out of sight, she’ll want the devil on her team” that mother nature is going to begin punishing humans or that she’ll (mother nature) will want to get revenge on us humans for how we have been causing this planet to begin die slowly… Hm..or maybe it also makes me wonder if Billie eillish takes part in the occult,(the selling your soul stuff) I don’t really believe it but I am open to the possibility that these supernatural entities might exist. In the end she says my lucifer is lonely my God is gonna owe me, which indicates that she believes lucifer to be God, I don’t think she is a devil worshipper but yeah it all tells that this song is definitely not only about climate change. I don’t know we all have different opinions..😁😁

lastly.. I have so many other songs to write about but these ones more catch my eyes and ears. Billie is a physically-abusive relationship. However, she is not alarmed. Rather she is just going along for the ride because ultimately she knows that she is in control. In fact whereas he partner likes to play tough, in the end Billie is actually the “bad guy”, and not him. You think the song would be all about the guy.. no no the song is about her. In fact Eilish is so bad that she says if her mother were to actually hear this song she would feel “pity” for the men in her life.

[livefordrama]

Reviewing Dramas I Have Watched Part 8

Again, here is my rating system:  1- Did not like, 2- Enjoyed but probably wouldn’t watch again, 3- Enjoyed and would watch some episodes again/may watch again, 4- Enjoyed and would watch again, 5- Loved 

Korean Drama

My Strange Hero: 4

Trigger Warning: Suicide, Bullying, Verbal and Emotional Abuse

My Strange Hero is about a man named Bok-su (which stands for revenge), who was falsely accused by his friend and girl friend of shoving his friend off the school roof and expelled from high school. Now nine years later, he gets the opportunity to return to school but he isn’t just going to go back nicely, seeing the seemingly cozy lives those who betrayed him are living he decides to enact his revenge by proving how corrupt the high school and the people working in it are. However, his plans for revenge get more difficult to achieve when he begins to fall for his ex-girlfriend once again. 

This show was cute and interesting, it made me mad and lot and Yoo Seung-ho never disappoints. I ended up watching it in less than a week with studying and all so it draws you in really fast. I absolutely loved the realistic factor of not having to forgive everyone for a good ending and to move on. Many shows, kdrama or otherwise, make characters forgive even those who did horrible things to them just for a good ending, and it’s not always that simple nor do you owe those who did horrible things to you an apology to be a good person and move on looking at you Missing Nine. However my main complaint with it is that the ending isn’t as impactful or satisfying as the ending three episodes previous. I’m glad they had the three ending episodes because the other characters got more closure, I just wish they would have made it as impactful as the ending of episode 29. It is about thirty minutes an episode so it’s a really fun and interesting watch if you need something on the shorter side. I highly recommend!

Love Alarm (Season 1): 3 

Trigger Warning: Bullying, Suicide, PTSD, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Abuse 

Love Alarm deals with the concept of having an app that can read your emotions and alerts your phone when you are in 10 meters of someone who loves you or alerts your crushes phone if they are within the 10 meters. It follows Jojo, a girl with a mysterious and sad past, who can’t download Love Alarm because of her phone. She is in an unhappy relationship and begins to have feelings for the new student. After being kind to a student, he gives her the phone and she can finally download it only to find that love is a lot more complicated than she originally expected. 

Okay, I started this show because the new season was coming out and everyone was freaking out about it. I had been avoiding it all this time because I love Song Kang and have been following his work since his smaller roles, hoping he would get bigger roles. I was so excited when I first heard he would be the main here but couldn’t ever bring myself to watch it cause I don’t like romance love triangles and already knew he was playing the webtoon second lead which made it worse. Plus I have a trauma with anything that has Kim So-Hyun in it. I adore her acting, she is so good, too good. She just always plays in really sad, dark Kdramas and I always like the second leads in her shows so I just get sad and angry when I watch her shows. I at the time just didn’t feel like dealing with being annoyed and finally got in the mood to watch a cheesy love triangle romance. *spoiler alert* I can confidentially say that while no character and no ship is necessarily healthy, I do prefer Sun-ho to Hye-yeong. No, not because he is played by Song Kang, in the first few episodes I hated his character. I wanted to punch him so badly, but with all his immature flaws he did do some mature things. He told Hye-yeong to not fight over Jojo and to let her pick which I loved because, shows like to have the two people fight amongst themselves who gets the crush and that’s so stupid to me, Jojo is a person with feelings too and she might not like either so I loved that he said that. I also loved that instead of telling Hye-yeong not to pursue Jojo because he still loved her, he told Jojo to stay away from Hye-yeong so that he wouldn’t be hurt by her like Sun-ho was. He still loved her but his friend came first, and I felt horrible when he lost almost everyone who genuinely loved him. Hye-yeong is okay, but he isn’t even a healthier option, he literally stalks her all the time without her even knowing about it, he memorized her daily routine, where he’s going to college so he could move there to be around her, it’s just too creepy to me. Yes, Sun-oh stalked her too and that is not okay at all, but he made his presence known so that she can voice if she was uncomfortable or knew to call someone if she felt threatened, Hye-yeong sneaks around and doesn’t even talk to her and that’s super creepy to me. I just think they are both immature and personally with some growth I think Sun-oh is more fitting than Hye-yeong cause the two really do seem like they are in love with each other while Jojo and Hye-yeong seem like a crush that will turn out to be more platonic. I know it’s wishful thinking but that’s just my hopes. *spoiler over* I did really love this show actually, sometimes you just need a trashy dramatic romance. Yes, it had toxic behaviors but I still liked it, it felt like a realistic teenage couple in high school (minus Mr. Stalkery Stalks.) I think that not everything has to be analyzed, I enjoyed the cute romantic scenes at face value, even though I knew they weren’t healthy. If it happened to me in real life, I would have punched a bitch but it’s fun to watch on a screen. 

Blood: 2

Trigger Warnings: Blood, Suicide, Terminal illness, Murder, Abuse. 

Blood is about a surgeon who is also a vampire. He tries to control his vampire self and help humans while working on a way to make himself human. When he transfers to a new hospital things take a turn for the weird as the patients of the new ward start exhibiting symptoms he is all too familiar with. 

Blood was really good for the first two thirds of the series. I watched it before I found out about the main couples real life situation but continued to enjoy it because it’s none of my business what they do in their personal lives (so please don’t message or leave comments about that situation or your opinions on it.) Both couples were super cute and there were some plot twists that admittedly got me. I liked the story line and the idea that vampires were viruses that doctors were researching in secret. I really got hooked for most of the story; however, the last few episodes felt almost like they switched writers and the new writer had never watched the previous episodes. Comments were made that never were brought up again, like the thirty minutes of vaguely discussing his parents and who he was as an infectee that was never even slightly brushed upon for the rest of the episodes let alone resolved. Not to mention that last episode was a total mess and the ending sucked. The last two episodes are not canon in my mind that’s how weirdly out of place for the show they felt, it was like a 180. The ending was so confusing and I just really hated how it all played out. Because of this, I give the show a 2 cause I did enjoy it a lot but I won’t watch it again. Once of that was enough. 

Legend Hero: 4

Legend Hero, also known as Legend Hero Samgugjeon or Legends Heroes the Three Kingdoms, is about people who compete in a dream battle to acquire their ultimate dream. The main character acquired three spirit helpers which help him in combat by transforming him into an armored knight with special power, and later befriends angels who help him in the battles by boosting this power. He has to fight friend and foe alike to achieve his ultimate dream but that begs the question, is a dream really worth it?

I really enjoyed this show, it was admittedly difficult to get into at first but once I did, I was hooked. The characters were so cute and endearing, the plot had humor, angst, and fluff alike. The acting was a little silly at points but it was made for kids so it’s a little overdramatic. It was all around a very entertaining watch, I watched the whole series while on vacation during the resting hours when my family and I were lazing around the hotel and it was such a refreshing, happy, lazy watch. I highly recommend for those who enjoy a happy watch when they just wish to relax.

Web-Drama/Mini-Series

Power Rangers Dino Force Brave: 4

Power Rangers Dino Force Brave, while technically a sequel to the super sentai series, is a original stand alone production and sSouth Korean take on the power rangers series. While the power rangers finally enjoy the peace that had come to the earth, a new threat is brewing. The Neo-Deboth Army has arrived looking for the power of the dinosaur king, the power ranger once more have to come together to defeat this threat.

This show was super interesting and cute. I have never seen any of the power ranger series so I am entirely inexperienced when it comes to their world. However, I can confidentially say this is a good stand alone as I was not confused while watching it. The first episode got recommended to me on youtube and since I was bored and unsure of what to do, I decided to watch it. I believe I finished the whole series in only a few days. It was super cute and I liked how ironic and silly the ending was with all the characters, including the evil ones dancing together. I’m sure die hard power rangers fans hated that but as someone who knows nothing about the series, I found it quite hilarious. The plot itself was entertaining and cool, it had some angst moments and some cute moments. I loved the ending, but that’s all I will say about that. 

Founder of Diabolism Q: 3

Founder of Diabolism Q is simply snippets of cute or funny scenes from the book that didn’t make it into the series or at least not in as much detail. It follows many characters in small, five minute long episodes and the shenanigans they get in to. 

Founder of Diabolism Q was super cute! I have watched The Untamed and read some of the book but haven’t watch the actual anime yet. Still, I decided to watch this short series. I watched each episode as it came out and loved every one. There isn’t much to say on it though, other than it was super cute and if you love The Untamed or its adaptions, I highly recommend. Just make sure you watch or read one of the full adaptions first otherwise you will be very confused. 

Imaginary Cat: 4

Trigger Warning: Depression, Suicide, Vomit, Illness, Death

Imaginary Cat is about an aspiring webtoon artist who, after loosing his crush and falling into a depression, finds a cat in an alley and takes her in. He is able to recover from the loss and get back into writing when he meets a girl who is obsessed with cats especially after she lost her kitten as a child. He is just trying to get his webtoon accepted and she just wants to get close to him and his cat. 

This was such a cute little easy watch, but was really sad at some points throughout the series. I teared up through some scenes and laughed so hard through others. I also related a lot to how the main plays with his cat, especially when said cat wants none of it. It was a really nice mini-drama to watch in the very little time I had between studying and moving house. I thoroughly enjoyed it and would highly recommend to those who want a easy watch that’s a little sad and very cute. 

Korean Movies

The Magician: 4

Trigger Warning: Blood, Abuse, Drugs, Suicide Attempt, Murder, Death

The Magician is set in the Joseon Era and follows the famous magician, Hwan-hee. He along with his blind friend Bo-eum ran away from their abusive caretaker as children and are still worrying about being found by him even to this day as they perform to keep their livelihoods. Meanwhile a noble lady who was sold to the Qing dynasty comes to town. The two end up running into each other and quickly fall in love, however they both have to overcome the obstacles in their way in order to be together. 

I loved this movie, I had to pause a few times just to process how much I personally enjoyed it. I wish I was able to watch it in a better quality because I never once saw how his one eye was blue, I just took their word and the movie poster for it. Unfortunately, it was the only place I could find to watch so I took what I could. The only reason I am giving it a four instead of a five is the ending sucked. I hated the ending. It just felt unnecessary and honestly really pissed me off. I don’t always need a happy ending but I also didn’t need that kind of ending either. I would still recommend it to those who like angst with some romance and a open-ish ending. 

Seondal The Man Who Sells the River: 5

Trigger Warnings: Blood, Death, Vomit, Gore

Seondal is supposedly a comedy about a group of swindlers who become fast family after escaping from a war they were drafted in. They work together to swindle their way into riches and out of dangerous situations. They gained a huge name in the Joseon dynasty for even swindling the king. However, after tragedy strikes, they decide to do their greatest job yet, sell a river of fake gold. 

The movie was really good, both funny and heartbreaking. My friend and I watched it together thinking it would be a nice comedy after we watched some sad kdrama earlier that week however, it was most certainly not. We both ended up crying and raging. So just be warned it claims to be a comedy and it is hilarious for the first half of the movie, however it quickly turns dark so fast you are just sitting their in shock wondering what happened. I thought Xiumin’s acting was great and his character was adorable. I had not seen his acting before and he easily became a favorite. The movie’s plot and writing kept you engaged and entertained throughout and the ending was great in my opinion. Overall it was a really good watch, I have seen it twice now and thoroughly enjoyed it. I highly recommend to those who enjoy both comedy and angst.

Previous

Next

[gaiapaia]

Kermit and Friends: Lucas 6:27

But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you. - Luke 6:27-36

This Bible verse is essentially the ‘Golden Rule’ we’re all taught in elementary school - treat others how you want to be treated. However, treating others kindly is very hard to do when the other person is bad to you. Perhaps the toughest part about being a Christian is the fact we’re supposed to love and pray for our enemies like Jesus would.

Elisa apparently has an enemy in Lucas, Andy Dick’s lover and ex-boyfriend. Lucas has been on the show a couple of times now but their animosity has taken place away from Kermit and Friends.

When Elisa first met Lucas, she heard a lot of good things about him from Andy and they seemed to get along fine. Unfortunately, Andy would throw fits any time Elisa and Lucas were around each other, with Andy accusing Elisa of sleeping with Lucas. Elisa would invite Andy somewhere and Andy would show up with Lucas, only then to berate Elisa later for always inviting Lucas on their dates.

Elisa could tell Lucas was in a bad spot and had some connections to get him a job interview. She set it up for him and sadly, Lucas wasn’t hired. Elisa claims this led to Lucas screaming at her at a Hookah Bar earlier this week, with Lucas blaming Elisa as to why he didn’t get the job. Elisa ended up screaming back at Lucas this time instead of just taking his abuse. Knowing Elisa like I do, it takes a LOT to get her fired up for her to get into a confrontation in public, so she definitely reached her boiling point with Lucas that night.

What’s Elisa to do at this point? The Bible tells her not to hold resentment, to stay kind, to pray for Lucas, etc. It’s very, very tough, but the best way to handle it my opinion is to avoid Lucas at all cost from this point on. Say one little prayer for his well being and then eliminate him out of your life. And if you come across him again, be cordial and just walk away if his behavior starts to bring you out of your true character. That’s my advice.

Anyway, this incident between Elisa and Lucas is where the show got its title from this week. Luke is obviously short for Lucas, and I thought it was creative the way Elisa tied the situation together. Further on in the show, Elisa would play a clip from Andy Dick’s new podcast aDICKted where Andy explained his toxic relationship with Lucas. Andy alleges that Lucas beats him, beats up all of Andy’s male lovers, has stolen from him, etc. Just because Andy says it doesn’t necessarily make it true (like when Andy says Elisa sleeps with Lucas), but if those allegations are true, Lucas is a very bad guy and I would personally prefer Elisa not to hang out with Andy anymore if Lucas is forced into the arrangement. But Elisa is a big girl and can take care of herself - I trust her to stay out of bad situations.

In better news, Elisa’s new song My Fiancé is a huge hit among the KAF fanbase. Literally everyone loved it, except for Andy that is. Regardless of Andy’s irrelevant feelings, the song is now available on Itunes, Spotify, Amazon, and anywhere else you can listen to music.

My Fiancé was such a huge hit that it got three remixes in just a week! Two were from Eric Riggs, one from Andy Dick. Eric’s first remix was him just masturbating to the video, while the second remix was Eric singing about dancing like Michael Jackson. Andy’s remix was simply Andy cursing Elisa out to the beat of the song. Andy really needs to work on his songwriting ability, his version of My Fiancé wasn’t flattering at all!

Sharmin Smith ended up being the main focus of the show this week. She opened up to Elisa about the hardships she’s faced since she decided to run for President of the United States in 2020.

According to Sharmin, she was accused of sex trafficking and orchestrating a gang rape by QAnon members she hired from LinkedIn to help her with her presidential campaign. Sharmin’s teenaged kids somehow ended up hearing about these accusations and have had little contact with Sharmin since.

Sharmin bared her soul and you could tell how grief stricken she is over this, rightfully so. Sharmin obviously loves her kids very much and it’s not just the fact that they’re forced away from her that hurts, it’s the fact that they were led to believe these horrible things about Sharmin that aren’t true.

I wish there was something I could write to make Sharmin feel better about her situation. I do admire her strength to be so honest and sincere, and I appreciate she’s so willing to share her story with the Kermit and Friends audience despite how painful it is. But Sharmin if you’re reading this... it is very important to remain patient. I know it’s hard, especially this past year when we’ve had so much downtime to just ourselves, but you will be rewarded if you sit tight and allow the truth to be revealed naturally. You can’t force anything. Let God or fate or the universe, anything you want to call it, run its course and eventually justice will prevail and the good guys will win. You’re one of the good ones, Sharmin.

One positive note from Sharmin’s explosive interview this week was her acknowledgement of how Kermit and Friends entered her life at the perfect time. Sharmin emphasized how much fun KAF has been for her and how badly she needed some fun in her life. Kermit and Friends brings a lot of joy to the people who regularly watch and participate in it, and that alone makes the show a massive success if you ask me.

If you love Kermit and Friends, you can now donate during the show to have a comment displayed on stream. Elisa monetized her Youtube last week and received some nice donations. Capt Muttley, KAF’s dashing pilot, kicked things off and then Supertramp, Kleenex, and SaiyanZ Entertainment all generously contributed too. There’s so much going on during a KAF broadcast that Elisa can’t properly acknowledge the donations each time, but I know she appreciates it, and I also appreciate anyone supporting Elisa and KAF to such a strong degree. If you donate, you will always get a shout out in my reviews.

Chris Christine blessed Kermit and Friends with another appearance. She said a prayer for Elisa and Sharmin, and then let God choose a Bible verse to share. His finger landed on 1 Samuel 17, which is about brothers David and Saul coming together. Christine then beautifully correlated the verse to her, Elisa, and Sharmin as sisters coming together. Chris is wonderful every appearance she makes.

There were lots of awesome musical guests this week. We met a nice guy named Hud Isaacson, a rapper who Elisa claims is Andy Dick’s most normal friend. He performed a couple for raps for us and then shared how mean Lucas was to Elisa last week. Click soundcloud and Instagram to hear Ian’s songs and to follow him on social media.

Another new musical guest was Miranda Moore, who performed two beautiful original songs. You can check her out on Youtube and also follow her on Instagram.

Lastly, Johnny B returned to perform two karaoke classics, including one of my all time favorite songs, Hurt by Johnny Cash.

I really enjoyed this week’s show. It had less comedy than your typical Kermit and Friends episode, but the way the show was filled with love, thoughtfulness, deep conversations and interesting stories made it a really enjoyable experience to watch. Please be sure to tune in next week for a potential big guest and a huge update on Trumpster Bob that you absolutely do not want to miss.