#it's been a frustrating week for my body
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in an infuriating update, after having no symptoms at all yesterday, today i am exclusively experiencing the symptom of "very slightly too warm but not quite a fever".
#like#to be clear#my temp has not hit 100#the earliest reading i did was a 99.9#and since then it's been shifting between 99.4 and 99.8#the cdc says a fever is 100.4#but there's also research suggesting that the fever temp should be lower than that#but also no literature agrees on where it should be instead of 100.4#so#this is infuriating#and also to be clear a second time#'too warm' is my only symptom#no malaise. no cough. no sore throat. my joints don't even hurt and that happens like every time i get sick#it's been a frustrating week for my body#also i feel too warm. usually when i have A Fever i feel cold#but i'm just. overheating. constantly.#ughhhh#my current guess is that this is the known influenza phenomenon#where one gets extremely mildly sick for a short period of time#it's really hard to study because most people with this don't report illness#they often don't even realize they are sick#before covid i don't know if i would have realized i was sick#hell i think even in a covid context i only noticed because i was hyperaware for symptoms after the concert#anyways#very annoyed
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Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!
#cats#holiday#OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few#days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below)#My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart#rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart#so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag#and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day#last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few#hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent#ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect#because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make#me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these#'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a#few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is#getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better#and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo#I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm..#pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c#Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after#like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread...#I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was#doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally#ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully#whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos#ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever.#And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely#though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart#stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive#things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***
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me: sits down to write feeling full of inspiration
chronic pain: no 🙃
#sorry i just needed to vent#UGH#i mean obviously having a chronic pain condition is never fun#but when it decides to sink its teeth in when i just want an evening to capitalise on the inspiration that’s been building up all week#it’s just so frustrating#getting to sit down in the evenings to write is one of the few times i get to feel peaceful and comforted#and i’m just so done with my body taking that from me too#sorry i will resume my usual flaily milex posting soon i’m sure#but tonight i’m just feeling sad and a little bit scared of my own body#and my flatmate and best friend are otherwise occupied#so apparently i’m venting about it here instead#chronic pain#lulu posts
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i hope you don’t mind me not participating in sunday six for so long and not updating my fic... i’m having a bit rough time handling my life irl right now
#meaning i’m having the worst start of the year ever#i’m EXHAUSTED fucking exhausted from my living situation and it doesn’t seem to get better any time soon#naturally i don’t have it in me to write because i don’t have enough time to relax. it’s been three fucking weeks.#i just don’t know even my body gives up from this stress and not like something terrible is happening#it’s extremely upsetting also considering that i love writing and it’s the only activity that makes sense to me#and always has been like that it’s in my core#and i. can’t do it. i can’t. i have no willpower or strength and it’s not writer’s block i’m just SO TIRED ALL THE TIME#therapy and years of medication mean nothing at this fucking point. props to me for not killing myself tho. well done 👍#sorry for ranting i am so frustrated that i can scream. i have actually. didn’t help.#well ahem i hope you understand 🙏 i feel bad that i’ve promised the chapter a long time ago and NOT TO BE THAT AO3 AUTHOR but#i really wanted to keep my promise. fuck me i guess#putting letters together one word at a time
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well 😔 after literally 3+ years of masking and double masking with N95s and KN95s and social distancing and not going anywhere where i can't be assured i won't be in close proximity to someone with COVID ya boy got COVID , , , ,
#my lungs feel like absolute shit man ; ;#it's like a footballer rammed straight into my back and stood on top of my crumpled body for good measure ; ;#all because my brother still hangs out at movies and restaurants with his friends . . . . . . . .#and stupidly i was so excited to see him back after a month of being away#so we sat and watched a movie together on tuesday#and then wednesday he was like 'oh shit turns out i have covid sorry'#ogughgh . . . . . .#apparently he was feeling bad even on tuesday but he has such a history with head colds that COVID didn't even show up on our radar . . . .#i'm paying for it now though hhh ; ;#hindsight 20/20 and all that#can't stop coughing and i'm running a low grade fever#but most of all JESUS my chest hurts so much ; ; ; ; ;#it's like the agony of an asthma attack only so much more focus on the pain than the inability to breathe#i'm lucky that at most it just feels like there are rubber bands around my chest when i try to breathe deeply#but god#i'm supposed to start my internship through my college next week#this. might literally fuck me over in so many ways but hopefully my mentors will be accommodating . . . . .#in any event uhgghghgh i'm just frustrated because i've been so so careful for years and years . . . i never stopped masking . . . . .#i got the vaccine and all the boosters and yet . . . . . . . .
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#the past week i've been waking up early and feeling wide awake O.O#then i scroll on my phone for 2-3hrs then i get tired and fall asleep again#it's super annoying bc it messes w my sleep schedule#and like... i missed class today bc i did this!!!!!! wth....#my sleep hasnt worked normally since like november 2022 tho#it's been roughhhhh but it just wont get better again#i wake up every 3hrs nd then go back to sleep nd i do this for maybe 9hrs sometimes 12 🥴#and i get up at like 12-13 nd thats not good when i have classes at 9 nd 10 lol#i dont know it's just super frustrating! i've been struggling w my sleep for over a year nd it just wont get better#nd like i just wanna sleep thanks!!!!#(ofc since i have health anxiety my mind starts spiraling abt how sleep's essential nd it's while sleeping your body regenerates nd heals#nd since i dont sleep well my body isnt healing as well!!!! so then im fucked right?!?!? then my lack of sleep is making me sicker right?!)
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guilt based mental illness and capitalism will really have you thinking shit like "I shouldn't have gone hiking in the woods yesterday because I knew then I'd probably have to call out today but then I did it anyway" as if 1. I chose to be bugnuts with bad body syndrome 2. there's a universe where spending time in nature enjoying yourself is some kind of crime 3. calling out while the pool is understaffed is a crime I am committing against my coworkers and not a consequence of shoddy hiring practices
#I have been out of my night meds for a couple weeks so I have been sleeping like dogs hit#and I have a solution it's go to urgent care and get more meds#only I haven't done it because of the aforementioned Syndromes so everything is just getting Worse#and that is very frustrating like can my executives PLEASE get it together#it's so fucking frustrating to be brickwalled by a simple task#I wish my fucking brain worked#I don't really think the pot is helping in that department#but it does make being alive in my human body slightly more bearable
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I just found out that a tilt table test isn't like, getting tilted back and forth for a while, you lay there for thirty minutes and then they tilt you upright REAL QUICK, im gonna fail that test so hard lmao
#at first I'm like hmmmm idk if I meet the criteria for orthostatic intolerance idkkk#and tested my HR a few times from laying/standing with a few minutes in between#but if it's THIRTY MINS at rest before they flip me?#I'm fucked lmao#the biggest increase from sitting to standing that I've seen in the last two days#was 24bpm#that's like...not the worst. it's outside the normal range but it's not BAD#it's not pre syncope levels of bad#but I've also deliberately increased my salt intake ever since the PT said POTS to me on Tuesday so#hmmmmm#sometimes I feel like my fucking around and finding out isn't very science based and k can't possibly accurately diagnose myself and then#this stuff happens...#I'm so fucking tired bro#I got so confused and frustrated about a really stupid and simple thing today that I just started crying#I've been crying a LOT in the last two weeks#BUT#only two more shifts and then I'm free from this job forEVER!!!#and I can focus on my health or lack thereof#I don't expect cures or even really effective treatments at this point I just want to know WHY#like WHAT is happening with my body bro#it's never worked particularly well or normal but the last time I felt physically healthy was early 2022#it's been almost TWO years since I felt healthy and I'm 25#and I feel like it's getting progressively worse. not by huge increments but enough#maybe that's just symptoms stacking? idk#maybe it's just extended fatigue without really feeling rested#I have no clue which is why I would loooove to know bro#sigh#little Victorian boy wasting disease
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having a burnout meltdown at work haha
#vent#i hate being autistic#im not built for this its so frustrating#i just want to be able to be 'normal' and regulate and just function but i cant#its not even a matter of willpower it feels like my body and my braon are giving up on me#ive been in a haze all fucking day and im dissociating so bad#i cant mask and i cant emote properly#i cant regulate myself enough to feel better because i dont have enough time to#i feel so pathetic even though i know im not#it doesnt matter in this type of society#im fortunate enough to have my license and 3 jobs but at the cost of my mental sanity#i start feeling better and by the end of the week i want to kill myself again#im aeverely dysregulated i feel like im gonna throw up i just want to fuck off in the woods#i dont wanna do this anymore#i want to be a bird and just get numed by an owl or falcon#i want to be part of the natural food chain and not forced to pander to capitalism to make scraps for the rest of my life#i never asked to be born i fucking hate it here
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...
#i feel like im building sandcastles with dry sand#im just. i dunno. im frustrated and tired and resentful of the fact that in order to recover u have to rest#bc i mean i haven't been like cough cough sick. my immune system was freaking thr fuck out for 10 days and i can feel the damage internally#like. i compulsively exercise and theres this feeling u get when u kno ur stressed and run down but u dont stop physically overextending#like u can feel the muscles start to tear and not heal. and thats how i started to feel last week#so its like i kno i need to rest but its like. u just had a 5 day weekend ur supposed to b refreshed for the end of the semester#but no. im just discouraged and tired. back to making dry sandcastles. shocking. when u feel bad its harder to function#lets see how this affects my ccaps score when i see my therapist Monday lol#itll b fine. just frustrating. im gonna meet with my advisor tomorrow and b like yo my ability to function had been severely limited in the#last week and a half. but yes im not ready to try reviving some new cultures. and hopefully i can autoclave at some point#i just feel like im being lazy and i hate it#the burdon of being ill of body and mind#unrelated
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everybody’s all “oh the key to making friends is to go somewhere regularly and talk to people” well what’s the expected timeframe? how long do I try before I give up? at what point do I give up and just accept that I’m just gonna be a lonely person? is it six months? a year?
#I've been a regular at this weekly event since like September#and tonight I showed up and there wasn't really anyone who seemed open to talking?#it was just couples and then one big group of friends who did not have body language that indicated they want to meet people#and it's January and I haven't used my SAD lamp properly in like a week bc the holidays threw me off and I'm just tired and frustrated#sometimes I wish it could be like those movies where someone wakes up and they've time jumped and their life is all together#it's just. very difficult and I'm very lonely#I need to socialize with people who aren't my family
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I'm out of the hospital, turns out I have some kind of emotional trauma that's making my body try to suffocate itself, honestly same but what a bitch way to do it. Making it so I can barely breathe but I still have 99% oxygen and my vitals are good. Fuckin' hell dude. Anyways wish me luck in figuring that out, didn't make a lot of progress crying in the parking lol at 4am while waiting for an Uber after the news that my mind and body have disconnected or something, but check the bracelet swag
Nice
#hell yeah#im going to explode#literally i was so chill#i do get stressed at work but i love my job#i had a really bad dating experience the month before but that's not it i think#i was waiting for my uber home while still suffocating and some random dude started playing music#i have no idea what the lyrics were#i dont even think it was English#but i was thinking about how frustrated i was and i felt my face get wet#just uncontrollable tears#4 minutes straight of crying#head looking up and wiping away every few seconds#paused so my driver didn't see me sobing but they did here me sniffing and trying yo breathe. not the best look#got upstairs and home#picked up a back of nerd candy and i fell apart#ive been chill for atleast a week#yeah i couldn't breathe but nothing came up#alll of this to say...#it was April 2nd#and unless my bodys a prankster#the only other thing from today was the end of the boop#i miss the boop so much#not it but holy shit it brings a little silly smile#boop
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my current sleep schedule is just like. Oh boy 5pm? Time to fall asleep until midnight or so! yee hawwww
#don’t love when it gets like this but at least I get my nighttime when I wake up?#it’s only 7 (would’ve been 6) and I’m so tired.#wow! not to be negative but I hate my body sometimes! why can’t I sleep like a normal person!#it’s been driving me crazy for So. Many. Years.#I got a glimpse of stable sleep times for a week and immediately reverted to my bullshit. ugh#didn’t mean to write so much. guess I’m more frustrated than I thought#txt
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i think medicine should be free 👍
#girl i am chronically ill AND funnily enough still in full time education why does being a year older mean i have to pay every month for the#privilege of Managing My Illness That I Will Have For My Whole Life#like that's a stupid clause. i have to apply for a new exemption. i have been trying to get my meds for ages#i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here WHY should i have to pay because my body doesn't work right. what the fuck is this#neon has thoughts#sorry this has just been a really frustrating situation for like. 3 weeks. i don't have the brainpower to handle this i think i need to go#to sleep
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I'm (kinda) alive again. Word of advise: don't get the flu. It fucking sucks.
#// i have never in my life been THIS sick#// im still not even going to work this week because i just got on meds and i am not giving this to anyone else#// i've never been so fucking frustrated with my own body before; like i am legit mad i got this so bad#// im still coughing up a storm and my abs hurt because of it but at least i can breath now#// throat is still killing me though#// anywho im going to try to do things but no promises#out of touch | ooc
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me hurting my back like an -- an.. o-old person.. just isn’t very gaslight gatekeep girlboss of me and i just hear vil’s muse Rambling on in my head about the mistake. allllll before i start work again! :)
#its so fucking embarrassing.#◟ ⋆ㅤㅤif my hair's a mess﹐my mind's a mess.ㅤ( ooc )#idk what to do about it. other than walk around... like.... i need a cane or something.................................... (grits teeth)#this is the week i'm taking my family to the fancy ass hotel at work and im! injured! again! im so GAH#i heard on tiktok someones like 'the body doesnt forget trauma' that it doesnt! :') that it doesnt.................#idk if i should consult my dr about it. its been years but this is just... :')#i complain about it everywhere when it happens bc its so stuPId and FRUSTRATING.#im 24! this isnt !! okay! qUIT.
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