#i cant mask and i cant emote properly

[faggotslime]

having a burnout meltdown at work haha

[chuuyasfanboy]

HII!! Could you do one with Dazai, Chuuya and Atsushi reacting to a reader who has one of those SHTWT accounts? It's a kind of strange request, but I've never seen anyone talk about it!!

I actually loved your blog, I'm currently hooked! <3

NOT a weird request at all! I dont have any social medias like this, but I interact with edtwt and have friends with both edtwt's and shtwt's, so I think I'm comfortable enough talking about the issue!

Now this may be very hypocritical of me BUT IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING MENTALLY PLEASE REACH OUT FOR HELP! Here's a link to a website with hotline numbers! Even if you cant get yourself to stop completely, please at least be save enough to keep living. Love you all mwah<3

https://www.pleaselive.org/hotlines/

Definitely didn't skip a matchup request to write this... Promise I'll get to you soon other person! I've had some ideas in mind heheheh

Dazai, Chuuya, and Atsushi (Seperate) x shtwt!Reader

Tw: Sh tw, mentions of edtwt in the ooc lol, spoilers dazai totally has a shtwt too</3

Dazai Osamu

Starting off with the worst reaction

Why is he the worst, you ask?

He has one too!

He totally followed you by accident because he just found this all so inspirational. And then you posted a tweet with the same joke you'd made earlier that day.

And oh he knew.

He's mad, but mostly because you never told him you were struggling.

He's the one who's supposed to be masking his emotions, damn it!

(I'm not sure if shtwt is the same way, but i know edtwt is chock full of motivational disgusting food images posting! I'm making those assumptions that its similar lol)

He definitely tries to convince you to get help, and he feels really bad for not actually being that worried.

He trusts you to keep yourself safe enough and so eventually he just gives up on the notion altogether

It doesnt take long for the two of you to be a bit more open with it all

He finally shows you whats under those bandages

It's worse than you think.

You're the one who convinces him to properly treat his cuts, and after enough bothering, you finally let him treat you the same.

Late nights when the two of you cant sleep, and he comes over.

The both of you in each others arms, disinfectant and fresh rolls of bandages discarded on the nightstand

While he may not be the one you go to for support, he definitely wont judge you for anything, not even a bit

And if you do decide to finally get help, he's there to cheer you on

Dont be fooled though, he wont be changing his ways at all

Good luck getting this stinker to find value in himself!

Chuuya Nakahara

He's got the best reaction, by far

He's trying not to judge you, really

It's not something he's ever had to struggle with these things, and the furthest he can really give you is an absurd amount of sympathy

The little experience he does have comes from his years with Dazai in the port mafia, but that was a long time ago and he hasnt had to think of it since

It brings up old memories...

You'd left it open on a private tab one night, and he found it when you asked him to look up something

He's about ready to cry, really, but he's strong

For you

He encourages you to get help, professional help

And if you decline, he doesnt push it much further

Instead, he offers you help directly

He cofiscates your razors the best he can, but he soon finds you manage to get them anyway

So he comprimises

When you forget to clean them, he does it for you

Buys you disinfectant and fresh bandages every time he knows youre running low, keeps your first aid stocked

Things like that

He politely asks to not be shown any fresh wounds, twitter post or not, and does his best not to think about the fact you post these things so openly and he hadn't even known

If you do decide to seek help, he's the most supportive.

He keeps you on your recovery plan, holds you close if you relapse, and never passes a single word of judgement your way

He's here for you, always

Atsushi Nakajima

Akutagawa found it before he did

Atsushi was told, immediately

He PANICS, and as soon as he sees you he pulls you aside

And he just cries into your arms

You're left so confused like?

What????

He understands why you didnt tell him, and he doesnt blame you for it

But he's still pretty upset

Moreso with himself than you

Again, like the other two, you'd been posting pictures of it all online and he had to be told!

He insists you get help, and he wont let up on it

Reminds you every day after a nicely times good morning text

"If you're feeling down make sure you call somebody before you do anything, okay?"

He's practically on his hands and knees begging you to unfollow the shtwt's you've bombarded your feed with

Suddenly he's terrified of looking over your shoulder at your phone, but also so afraid every time he isnt

He's really not good at sorting it out, his brain is scrambled and he's panicked every time he thinks about it

But he really does try hard to stay positive

And while one or two things he says may unintentionally come off as judgement, a good majority of his opinions on the topic is really just trying to get you help

He makes an alt account just to keep tabs on your shtwt

Its really obvious, made a day ago and following only you

You don't tell him that though<3

[twinsoftriumph]

last but not least...... Ames. the Came Back Wrong oc. who i am actually painting currently so if i like it i will post it :3

hashtag Edgy Backstory

ames wears Some sort of abyss mask modified just to be more unique but probably most similar to cackling cannoneer's. they also have melancholy mope hair, overactive overachiever's cape but modified to go around the whole body, anddddd. some sort of long pants outfit thats most similar to the aurora runaway outfit. or maybe like confident sightseer's outfit Again but more grey/cool toned.

no matter what outfit theyre wearing youre Barely going to see anything besides the legs anyway because theyre not one to take up much space or make very grand gestures

from isle! very interested in the history of the sky kingdom and spirits and the rebirth cycle (uh oh)

professional emotional wall builder. and archer i guess. they picked up that skill in forest back when vedesa still lived there which is how they met in my beautiful brain

they were the very eager sort of moth which eventually culminated in them having some rather large but also quite dangerous ambitions. aka fucking with the rebirth cycle and having to deal with the consequences of that

im still working on the finer details but they basically unded up stuck in the shattering void for A WHILE and witnessed a ton of memories suspended in time both of their own and other people's including from WAY before they were born and also feeling fluctuations of light and dark. very normal experience for one's psyche. but they escaped after like at least a year and theyre so normal about it and you cant even tell (lying)

vedesa's involvement comes from her being the one who spent ages trying to figure out a way to reach them which is how she ended up primarily spending time in vault in the first place and ALSO why she's trying to spend a lot less time in vault nowadays

so of course when ames escapes on their own theyre Pretty Damn Pissed but also really dont know what to do. and they lay low for another unspecified amount of time and are presumed missing or just permanently dead. they are very much neither of those

they ended up wandering into prairie after a while which is where they very much startled lalut due to literally looking like hell. lalut was very concerned to say the least but offered to take them in and they've been warming up to each other since :)

ames is just grateful to know someone who doesnt know their whole batshit backstory and is non judgemental and tries to just treat them like any other person

they are quite protective and will purposefully leer at people over your shoulder if they get bad vibes.

wicked chef. could theoretically be bribed with food (few have ever tried)

can be very meticulous and careful and is really quite gentle in most everyday stuff. very quiet footsteps. you will get jumpscared

used to be the lighthearted silly teasing type but has become a lot more dry and sharp about it. it has also become harder to tell when theyre just joking around

anyway theyre basically plotting to track down vedesa and properly confront her about what happened. id say yay for communication but god knows what they actually plan on doing or even what vedesa plans on doing with all that guilt. (guy who literally created them) (dont worry i have some ideas i just might draw them out another time)

[familyagrestefanblog]

About recent takes of Félix’ father vs Gabriel, Félix’ guilt in “Emotion” & How the amok- child abuse of Adrien works (part 0.1 lol)

Just to make this clear right from the get-go (although is sad that such disclaimers need to be made again): No, this is not written as a Félix Defense Post, this is me writing out my analysis’ and other thoughts regarding way too much out-of-context stuff from “Emotion” and the one big confirmation of Félix’ indeed BEING an abuse victim from leaks which I will only incorrperate as vague concept since tbh I dont remember details and I’m not seeking it out for this.

Aright? Let’s go!

Where is all this stuff about Félix’ father coming from? Are those from even more leaks? From what I have seen in leaks of Félix saying something about the parenting he received I too got my confirmation that Félix’ father was abusive, but where is this coming from that Colt Fathom was alot WORSE than Gabriel?

In my opinion, that directly contradicts Félix’ attitude in “Emotion”. Who knows what exactly happened before that episode, though at the very least Félix most likely knows now that Adrien is Chat Noir and thats what made such a massive difference in him:

Also there was this out-of-nowhere second carmoflaged Black Cat-like ring Félix used as amok object that looked exactly like Adrien’s, although we see later that Adrien is still wearing his? That element of the episode was ridiculously out of context, but Félix’ knowing now that Adrien is Chat Noir makes its existence and the episode overall make alot more sense in my opinion.

Its basically the only way I can properly explain anything Félix-related that happened in “Emotion”, down to his behavior when he mentioned Chat Noir towards Ladybug:

Or the way Argos straight up refused to try and take Ladybug’s Miraculous away from her by his own force. He only asked/ threatened her to surrender her earrings to him but he never went further than that. In fact, her calmly stating that she would never give him her Miraculous was what set Félix over the edge in frustration, because he knew thats IT now. Taking it from her forcefully would mean she would speak up against him when he brings Adrien back (to get the Black Cat miraculous and because Félix WANTS him by his side on good terms), but he cant snap the girl behind the mask away either or else Adrien would see him as nothing but a villain if Félix only has her earrings but SHE is gone.

If Ladybug doesnt surrender her Miraculous and remains there to ensure with her words that Adrien too should give Félix his miraculous, where at that point Félix has the chance of explaining his plan to his cousin that noone is gone for real and he just wants to create a better world for them- which in Félix’ mind lead to a scenario in which he’s not the bad guy. Look, the boy knows he, Adrien and Kagami belong to a race of enslaved magical beings and are at the mercy of tyrannical abusers (Dude, what a sentence!). I’m not expecting rationality from Félix Fathom at this point. He was still 100% the bad guy in this, but I get it.

Also Fuck u Gloob, how dare YOU leave me without actual context for this shit?? xD)

But even without that... explanation-theory of mine, in episode 18 all I can see is Félix acting on SO MUCH god damn guilt towards Adrien and trying to free him from Gabriel. He literally states he tried to succeed in this episode for ADRIEN:

Then regarding Colt Fathom’s parenting again: when Félix confronts Gabriel about how Gabriel uses them, his family, he does not treat his uncle as a lesser monster than the one Félix (may have? Idk?) known as a father:

Félix went to the upmost extreme methods to get rid of Gabriel in this episode. He sees his uncle as nothing short of a tyrannical monster that needs to get taken out with a literal SNAP so Gabriel has no opportunity to stop him and be remade with a reality changing wish.

But most importantly, when Félix called Gabriel out he named ADRIEN first:

This was NOT Félix only doing it for himself and those are also not the actions and words of a person who views Gabriel as LESS of a dangerous tyrant bc of his own father. No matter how bad Colt Fathom was, Félix is not underestimating his uncle as the madman that he is. At least not ANYMORE!

Not in a single second of “Emotion” do I get the impression that Félix has NOT finally understood in what horrible position Adrien is caught in in Gabriel’s grasp (more on this regard for the Diamond Ball in an upcoming post I’ll link HERE). Which, yes, Félix too partly caused through the s4 finale. This is most likely why he goes to such insane lenghts to try to save Adrien.

Félix feels fucking GUILTY now in hindsight for having sold the one amok ring of his cousin he already had safe and sound in his possession back to Gabriel, along with 15 more miraculous’ to make him even MORE dangerous:

Which btw, GOOD!!! He should!

Anyway. While I dont understand where these takes about how much worse Colt Fathom was to Félix than Gabriel to Adrien come from, that claim does seems to be very accurate though to Félix’ point of view of Adrien’s abuse BEFORE season 5. Hence why he was being so god damn awful to his cousin and SOLD HIM TO HIS ABUSER!

The way I see it right now, Colt Fathom was abusive on Gabriel Agreste’s level but he did it in ways more open and “obvious”.

Gabriel is an extremely abusive father, but the worst thing about him has always been that he abuses Adrien in a way for which people cannot easily get him for it. Sure, there has always been ALOT to worry about under the circumstances after Emilie “died” but Gabriel Agreste has always made sure whatever he does to his son he remains untouchable enough from a normal legal perspective.

I’m not sure if child protection services could ever have actually helped Adrien even if they tried, because while Gabriel has been stretching all lines of possible slack problematic parents are being given - because the child cant nor SHOULD immediately be taken away from their parent if not truly necessary - Gabriel has never made.. that ONE slip-up too much and too out-of-line that could set Adrien free from him.

And in my opinion, thats what the show is going for because thats what Félix realized at some point prior to episode 18 about Gabriel’s treatment of Adrien and Adrien’s own behavior towards his father, for which Félix gave him massive shit for just last season:

Félix made a full-blown 180 regarding Adrien, thats the only way I can explain it.

Its GUILT. Guilt and the desperate attempt to save his cousin from the horrible consequences Félix had a HUGE part in unleashing and to be able to somehow manage to somewhat save the strong and basically brother-like bond he and Adrien once had as cousins.

And I dont care what anyone says, its by far the one bond Adrien has with anyone besides Plagg in which he’s literally 100% his authentic self and not any degree of Adrien Agreste™ or Chat Noir™. Seriously, if you wanna see Adrien behaving like nothing but a normal boy, watch him interact with his cousin who’s basically his BROTHER.

And it doesnt even matter how much of a damn dick Félix became, in any interaction these two had in the show you could easily SEE how close these two were/are from Adrien’s behavior. Which btw, makes Félix actions before s5 alot worse, but thats the point. This is WHY he goes as far as he does in “Emotion”. Because they once HAD such an incredibly close bond as Adrien’s “naively trusting” behavior towards him always claimed.

The bond which FÉLIX comitted to burn into the ground in s3-s4:

Guilt I can only explain in the same only way I can possibly explain Félix throwing Adrien under the bus as awfully as he did til s5, and in particular the s4 finale:

I can only explain it if Félix all his life had received the other - but in this case pretty much equal - side of the spectrum of abusive parenthood and Adrien’s abuse simply looked so different and way more ”subtle” and “acceptable by society’s standarts” from what Félix’ knew as highly abusive (when he finally gained freedom through getting his ring, probably at his father’s funeral hence why Adrien wasnt allowed to be there. It’s where Félix has told he’s a Sentihuman) that he didnt recognize it as such and therefore ended up hardcore victim-blaming his cousin because he has it “so much better” under Gabriel’s fist but “still cant take initiative like Félix does”.

Félix at the end of “Strike Back” in my opinion truly thought that even though his uncle is a delusional, tyrannical man, Adrien would be the ONLY person safe ENOUGH with him and from him (I know this sounds like a hypocritical cop-out, but Félix is literally in the ONE family position as Adrien’s close and only cousin, who’s also the only other child in their families but always also lived far away enough to not be around to wittness most of Adrien’s and Gabriel’s father-son dynamic behind closed doors [especially in the last, and most crucial year], that I simply have to say that.. this is so god. damn. realistic. This is a way too realistic variation of how the once close children in abusive families end up as bitter rivals throwing each other under the bus within their own absive family system.)

Félix thought that Adrien is as per usual the ONE exception for Gabriel in EVERYTHING, so giving Papa Agreste the control object and 15 more miraculous’ he can fry his brain away with simply... wouldnt have meant endangering Adrien’s entire life in Félix’ eyes.

Which WE know is the WRONG damn reading of the situation!

But for Félix Adrien was his uncle’s one weakness “out of fatherly love” Félix most likely never knew himself, because Gabriel put/s ALOT of effort into keeping his son in the dark (”overprotectiveness”) which lead Félix to even blantantly using Adrien against GABRIEL bc he knew that threatening to tell Adrien would be the most effective way to make his uncle instantly stop denying that he’s Shadowmoth:

(Also, notice how in the upper picture when Gabriel is denying that he’s Shadowmoth, Flairmidable is shot from the ONE - the ONE - possible angle from where his character model looks similar to Chat Noir.

With whatever tons of context we are apparently missing from prior to “Emotion” regarding this entire Agreste, Graham de Vanily/ Fathom and Tsurugi mess, this visual forshadowing in “Strike Back” is in SOME WAY apparently about to become relevant now. Most likely through Nathalie but eyyyyyy, its not like we have any kind of DAMN context! <3 :D)

I already long assumed Félix’ awful but NEW behavior towards Adrien since his father’s funeral to be the result of Félix despising Adrien bc Gabriel burdened his nephew with the knowledge of being Sentihuman in the worst way and at the worst time possible while “overprotecting” Adrien. But now with “Emotion” it seemed I read it mostly right.

The way I see it, Félix did the one thing unnervingly not even uncommon in abusive families: He couldnt recognize his cousin’s extreme abuse because he was too blinded by his own that looked different, while simultaneously comparing Gabriel’s life-long treatment of him and Adrien.

And since Gabriel has probably always treated him unfairly and “worse” than Adrien in Félix’ eyes (which was probably primarily more arrogant indifference from Gabriel’s side while treating Adrien as a golden boy) Félix then most likely thought that HE was the one truly in danger of Gabriel because he isnt Adrien, when Gabriel in actuality probably wouldnt have paid his nephew alot of mind at all and would have had included him automatically in the new reality for Adrien’s sake if - ironically - Félix’ hadnt involved himself and made himself a thorn in Gabriel’s side by now out of (UNDERSTANDABLE) fear and paranoia.

So yeah, still: Fuck Gabriel.

But back to Félix’ possible abuse from his father and how that blinded him to Adrien’s:

(No, I’m not forgetting Amelie and EMILIE, this is just getting WAY too much for this one post. The three mother figures of this family (Emilie, Amelie and Nathalie) are the crucial puzzle pieces in the Agreste’s & Graham de Vanily’s narrative. I’m gonna tackle that in posts dedicated to them specifically)

If Félix for example was more physically abused with open disdain from Colt Fathom than emotionally manipulated, used and gaslit out of “love”, then he would have a hard time at first (especially if he’s UNWILLING to see it) to understand or even just recognize to certain degree all the red flags of that what Gabriel is doing to Adrien resultes/d in emotional scars so bad that Adrien was/is pretty much suicidal at times and spend most of the show stuck in his mental and emotional escapism as Chat Noir (Still, I’m also pretty sure Félix SHOULD have been the ONE person who SHOULD have recognized the resemblance between Adrien Agreste and Chat Noir, the same way Félix was able to recognize Gabriel as Shadowmoth. But ironically, for that he was too blinded by his victim-blaming of Shadowmoths SON)

And if Félix only has ONE amok object and that means whoever wore it (his father) has 100% control over him, then he could (have) significantly underestimate(d) how BAD the emotional toll on Adrien would have been all his life when he always had TWO objects and that - I must assume - resulted in two 50/50 control holds over him:

(Disclaimer at this point: The show is very consistently exploring 3 unique ways for Adrien, Félix and Kagami in how the same peacock amok control resulted in very individual abuse situations for each of them. The amok abuse is not inconsistend or poorly explained, it was never meant to be a 1 for 3 explaination the same way you cant generalize ONE case of parental abuse for ALL existing abused kids. The show is treating this as legit child abuse the way it should. And yes, I will elaborate on all of that in ALOT more detail in future.)

Meaning only Adrien’s action and emotional compliance can be controlled but not his emotions themselves, which I see no reason to not be the default for Sentihuman who only have one object. Meaning for example, that if Colt Fathom didnt wanted Félix to care about any kind of bond with another person his age but his cousin, then Félix simply would have never felt the desire to have friends and therefore also never learnt how to handle the emotional pain of not getting to have them as Adrien was “allowed to”. Adrien didnt get to have friends either, but I suppose unless you wear BOTH his rings no order about forbidding him to have friends would have stopped him from still feeling the longing to have them anyway.

So Adrien’s sounds “better enough” on surface level - which is all Félix would have seen - but its actually massively fucked up bc the clash between Adrien’s natural emotions and the actions his body and mind are forced to obey would quickly beat a young childs mind into misery and helpless fawning on their own expense just to mentally survive that constant invasion of their mind by TWO sources they cant explain to themselves.

Adrien may have been “allowed” to still have emotions but his living conditions would have quickly turned that into emotional agony because Adrien would still be forced to burry everything deep inside that clashes with his parents orders, or whenever he thinks that his behavior or voiced desires would lead to him being shut down again. Its a malicious circle that pretty much accurately represents the normal cycle of emotional oppression within “regular” emotional child abuse.

Not that being 100% controlled physically and emotionally bc of having just ONE amok is in any way “better” (Holy shit, nah!, and I’ll get to Félix’ and Kagami’s abuse in their own posts), but I cant imagine having TWO the way Adrien does as anything short of mental and emotional oppression & exhaution at best - since Adrien ever since infanthood would always have to FEEL the pain of his orders directly going against something that would make him happy/ one of his basic needs and yet he has to submit to it anyway - or basically torment at worst.

Cause can you imagine if Gabriel’s and Nathalie’s contradicting orders in “Protection” would CLASH in the same moment?? GOSH!!!

This pretty much emotionally ripped Adrien back and forth between the two wearers of his amok rings the ENTIRE TIME ever since BIRTH, which would perfectly explain why Adrien is so emotionally repressed, resilient to impossible levels and instandly tends/tended to remain in denial and fawn or submit as copying mechanism. That would have been the only way he could have mentally survived TWO PEOPLE controlling him at once against his own emotions ever since he was a BABY.

I’d say its a reality check on THIS caliber that made Félix pull a 180 regarding his attitude towards Adrien - again, most likely through Nathalie (who I think would be the most logical person for Adrien now to choose to tell his secret Identity to if he needs help in managing to keep his secret save from his father) and SHE would get Félix involved because he’s aware of Gabriel, has the peacock miraculous and KNOWS what pain Sentihumans go through. But honestly, anything in this direction is guessing into pitch darkness lol.

I have so, SO much more to say on how the control of Sentihumans works but especially Adrien’s unique case of him having TWO objects. I’ve been analysing the Agreste houshold in this regard since around the beginning of s4, but that definitely deserves its own massive post(s) the same way Kagami’s abuse via amok ring (which she got to wear ever since AFTER her debut episode “Riposte”) deserves it own post seperated from Félix’ and this one here.

This is getting SO interesting, I’m LIVING for this scale of fucked up story telling! I just wished we would get it in the right chronological order so I can look at it with all the NEEDED context, Gloob, come ON!

[violentviolette]

My bad if you've already answered this, but how do you go about not masking around those you consider/want to be truly important people? Like, it seems in my head difficult to go from "polite friendly person who is clearly mentally average and a nice chap" to "Hi names JoeBob, actually I literally cannot properly care about anyone you care about to the extent I know you want, and honestly can't quite care about you to that extent either, wanna be homies? Oh also I've faked like 90 percent of any emotion of showed you, have fun reassessing everything," ya dig?

generally speaking, i dont mask socially in environments where i might make friends in order to just avoid this issue entirely. so like, i mask at work and at family functions, but if i go to hangout with new people or to an event and the intention is to make actual friends, i just dont mask from the start. i feel that helps mitigate a lot of annoyance and also helps to quickly identify people who i know will understand and respect my limitations but if ur in a situation where u met someone while masking but now want to get closer to them and unmask, then its easiest to do it gradually and just be very upfront but not rude. like i think a lot of people underestimate how much word choice can help make a situation less awkward. cause like saying "i cant and will never care about u but lets be friends" is obviously never going to go over well and isnt even very true or accurate in the first place. but phrasing it not so hostile or aggressively is a lot more reasonable, something like "im not a very emotional or emotive person by nature, but people dont really react kindly to that so i tend to overperform emotions when i first meet someone. but once im more comfortable with ppl i tend to mellow out and show way less. it doesnt mean i suddenly hate u, im just getting more comfortable and being more true to my actual self" or stuff like "i dont really have the capacity to care deeply about people i dont know, and even ones i do know and care about, my feelings never reach as deep a place as other peoples. that doesnt mean i dont respect and like u or that i'll suddenly start treating u poorly. its just that my care is going to look very differently from a nuerotypical person"

its really just dozens and dozens of small conversations about urself where u dont lie about it. its an ongoing conversation. usually these kinda come up naturally when ur getting closer to people and learning more about eachother. but u can also sit someone down and have a more formal conversation. like "hey so ive got some stuff going on with my brain, heres how it works and what i am and am not capable of. i like to be upfront about it with people i wanna get closer to so there arent misunderstandings or hurt feelings when i dont react or respond the way ppl expect. i think ur really cool/fun/ect. and i wanna get closer and become better friends so i wanted to have this conversation so we could understand eachother better and i can be more authentic with u going forward"

the biggest thing imo is to frame it from a positive place because it is a positive thing. u respect and like this person, theyre important to u and u want to be genuine with them so that u can get closer in a real and healthy way. but u also need to be true to urself and ur own limitations in order to do that. and so coming at the conversations from that place usually helps a lot. and if the other person is chill and a geuine friend, usually they understand and they work with u. they respect where ur boundaries are and understand what u cant give, while appreciating and enjoying what u can together.

[mobydingus]

Hii um, really sorry about bugging you but I was scrolling through tags and I saw that you drew lovely Nathan and Leslie work a while back; I'm wirting a huge personal AU and one of the subplots is her breaking Nathan out of camp so they can do a world domination thing lol

I've never seen any headcanons of them ever so it's super hard to wirte (even if it is just for myself, but I love over analyzing both of them) so I was wondering if you had any cools ones that you're comfortable with sharing?? I'm really really sorry if this is random, from a random user but I'm just so content starved and your art on here is so comforting and I love the scene one so so much!!!!

So um, if you can please tell headcanons >⁠.⁠<

wow i really appreciate that! i have a few, nothing too exciting. im not sure if you meant for them interacting or independent headcanons but ill say what i remember. it might be a longer response than you asked for LOL

for more technical ones:

i headcanon that nathan knows at least a little about how leslie works as a robot so if she gets hurt he can help fix her (but hes no robotics engineer so he cant do much about major damage). i also think that she can continue to mimic voices (like when she pretended to be president). she can use this to help herself or nathan (usually blackmail) but she also uses it to taunt nathan (for example, mimicking jimmy to piss nathan off). i also think leslie can change her body temperature from colder than a human to scalding hot (sometimes not on purpose, if she isnt working properly she might overheat which could damage her). i always imagined that there was some sort of underground facility (i wanna draw this but lazy) where she went to recharge, but thats one of my more fantastical headcanons. i personally think she didnt have parents or a house to live in (only a facility) but thats just me. i imagined that after leslie died, nathan recuperated and went to the crime scene or wherever her body was held and either: a. she showed signs of being functional, so he broke her out. or b. assumed she was completely dead/a lost cause and left her there (and she was still alive but wasnt capable of showing signs). both are fun ideas . i imagine that nathan diverted a great deal of his savings from drug-dealing to help repair leslie if he had saved her.

as for their relationship, in my headcanon:

neither of them will admit that they care about one another, even though they do. leslie doesnt admit it because she thinks that being emotional could compromise her rational thinking. nathan does not admit it because i dont think hes ever admitted any true feelings of appreciation or friendship for anyone lol. he would not do anything that might make him emotionally vulnerable (not that hes really conscious of this).

they both taunt eachother and can be meaner than they intended to. they both have a habit of lying to others in canon, so i imagine they still do that.

from a rational standpoint, leslie considers nathan an important asset and his ability to keep quiet about important (and unethical) things makes him valuable for secret operations. from a not-so-rational standpoint, she appreciated his different approach to life and the fact that he is not phased by leslies bizarre nature (the way she acts when she drops her act of being some innocent kid). she has grown fond of him in a way that i believe resembles an unspoken friendship.

nathan first considered leslie as another person to harass, but after being "employed" by leslie, he began to actually appreciate her, and its probably the first time a girl did not instantly hate or pity him. he probably has some sort of crush, but maybe not because leslie is crazy. he also thinks leslie is scary (but so do most people who have dealt with her "mask-off"). i think nathan likes leslie more than leslie likes nathan, but nathan is the first person she goes to if she has a problem, so they are dependent on each other at least a little.

thank you for your ask. hope it wasnt too much of an answer

[deepseaphantom]

Aaaugh it’s a lot of yelling about my shit life

I hate this stupid house!!!! It’s rotting from the inside out and we’re rotting along with it!!!! There’s a hole in the bathroom floor there’s a hole in the crawling the dishwasher is broken and my dad won’t get it fixed I fucking hate this place but I can’t escape!!!!! I am trapped!!! With a racist transphobic father!!! I can’t trust anyone in this family cause I vented about my mom (she sucks) on insta and my aunt (her sister) saw it and told my grandma (her mom) about it and she called me disgusting!!! I can’t tell my dad anything cause he sucks and thinks I can’t be a lesbian cause I’m nonbinary but also thinks I can’t be non-binary cause I’m a lesbian!!!! Fucker thinks cause I was born premature and have aspergers (I do not use this word anymore) that I’ll develop slower into things!!!! He fucking told me that when I told him I was asexual!!!! My sister said that if I went on testosterone it would make me more angry and violent and has called me a idiot and a bitch multiple times (so has my dad) and my mom is absolutely awful!!! I haven’t talked to her in years cause she kicked me off tone health insurance and she also told my sister to KILL HERSELF?!? And my sister still continues to talk to her!!!! And I can’t talk about how our father was/is emotionally abusive!!! I’ve gotten over fights with my dad before cause he won’t use my name or pronouns(saying shit like they isn’t a singular pronoun) or him spouting racist shit and I would go to my sisters place (there is no where else to go) and I WAS AT FAULTIM THE ONLY GAY AND AUTISTIC LERSON IN THIS ENTIRE FAMILY AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH UIS TRANSPHOBIC ASS AND IM THE BAD GUY!!!!

Fuck I don’t even trust to tell them anything anymore about stuff I like cause they’ll chuckle at it and they’ve made fun of me so many times (calling me a bitch and idiot) that I do not trust them

I fucking hate being autistic in this fucking family I don’t fit in at all

I’m the only artist in the family (everyone else are lawyers or some sorts political thing or scientist)

I’m autistic )either I’m the only one who doesn’t try and mask or truly I’m alone)

I have nerdy interests (transformers)

I am nonbinary !!!! There is no one else in this fucking family that is gay!!! (I don’t count my mom I don’t care if she dated and moved in with a lady for a bit ((they broke up)) she fucking kicked me off the health insurance when I came out to her as non-binary!

And I get fucking interrupted all the goddamn time!!! All the fucking time!!!! I try and talk about something I like and I can literally see the interest fade from my sisters eyes I try and talk about how I was bullied in middle school and my dad has the gall to say if I smiled more I would’ve had more friends and he won’t shut up about hoe he regrets not letting me quit basketball and says I would’ve made friends that way!! I fucking hated basketball!! I got hit in the head 3 fucking times!!

And I fucking can’t have negative emotions in this house or not want to be touched or else my dad will get mad at me! I have no privacy since my room is essentially a hallway with doors and one doesn’t close properly ! He can just come in and talk to me about whatever the fuck or kiss me on my head and I don’t want that sometimes!!! And I have to pretend that I’m not incredibly dissatisfied with my life cause if I tried to explain to him how I feel and how I literally can’t do anything he says some shit like just do it! Make a list! FUCK!!!!! iCANT I FUCKKNG CANT

NEITHER MY DAD OR SISTED KNOW ME AND I BARELY KNOE MYSELF!!!!! But fuck I know if I was the person my dad and sister thought I was I would’ve killed myself already

[kajinovaa]

i need some space to vent bark just for a lil tiny bit and yall can completely ignore the shit outta this if you want. im gonna just do a tinsy bit of journaling like my tarot cards suggested. nothing super drastic happened, nor is it aimed at anyone in particular, and no– iM NOT GOING ANYWHERE BDKBDNDDNDJND

--------------------------------------------

its just late night thoughts. thoughts that kinda got nudged to life over a very small encounter, but its done its job properly by reminding me of something i feel like i need to ingrain into my head. a lesson i havent yet processed properly hard enough for it to feel like its fully a part of me

i got reminded of the absolute bs ive gone through in my life, shit thats so unbelieveably unacceptable but i stayed with it cuz it was mostly a part of autistic masking but also cuz i had a big heart that i wore constantly on my sleeve. greatest lesson ive learnt.

ive bowed and bent over backwards for all the people ive met in my life, and now im coming to the deep realization that i dont have to give a single fuck? like i dont need to care so much about other people's emotions/feelings when i never gave mine proper nuturing??? its so fucking frustrating that its gotten like this and i wish i couldve told my younger and more naïve self that its 100000% okay to be selfish for once??????? i wanna fucking swing at something so bad over this but yknow what? im just gonna have fun instead

so fuck expectations, fuck standards, fuck tryna sound nice— im tired. im infuriated and exhausted. ive been tryna act fair when in actuality that was the biggest mistake of my life. like, the stars gave me strength on my day of birth. the legends sing of destined power like im supposed to express with and yet here ive always been, getting drowned out by other people's priorities and cleaning up after their messes. this debilitating path of being submissive for others isnt the shit for me. it never was in the first place, so im done. im done being nice for the sake of being nice.

dont like that aint giving you attention? not my issue. dont like that im elsewhere and you cant keep up? learn how to walk then cuz i aint holding your hand. dont like that im not sharing my happiness with you? it was never meant for you to have in the first place.

i started my saturn return this year, bday happened several days ago, im only just feeling the brunt of the energies right now. i wanna fuck around, have my chaotic runs and be cringe but free dating my fictional bfs

please stop thinking im the same person i was years ago cuz im not. im the monster you feared you didnt have come across and learn how fast you can get piledrived the moment i deem you useless in my life. sorry but not sorry, its for your own good. somethings in life you were never meant to walk alongside with. i still wanna thank you for being another cobblestone in my path.

goodbye, past life. it was a good run while i still had the tolerance for that hot mess of growth. its my turn to be selfish for once

[nonhuman-narc]

You say you fucking understand. You never do and never will.

Stop yelling and making everything about how you feel and what you think, stop making me the bad guy for not being able to or simply not responding how you want.

I do not have the energy to properly show you my emotions or to react "the right way" and you know it. stop saying I don't care because I dont react with my emotions.

I dont have the energy to mask for you.

I dont have the energy to talk about fucking feelings when you're yelling and being really fucking hard to be around.

I love you and care about you but jesus. its hard to sit here and take this all the time.

you dont fucking care about me you dont fucking love me you dont fucking get or even try to understand my struggles.

I'm so tired of explaining shit and getting blown up at. and getting more shit thrown at me when i shut down and cant react in a way you like. I cant mask all the time.

your fucking mumbled remarks about me and my struggles are downright fucking disgusting. im so tired.

[sufferinggod]

bro. so the other day i was at the grocery store and as i was about to leave this old lady at the register fucking asks me randomly out of nowhere, "are you mad?" and I reply, "no, why?" and she's like "you look so serious". bro......... like, what the fuck? like what even was that? 1st off, i had a fucking face mask on so how the fuck would you even assume any emotion if you cant even see my fucking face properly. 2nd, how rude is it to just ask a random customer out of fucking nowhere a question like that. like seriously what the fuck was that? like and even if i was mad for whatever reason what the fuck does it concern you you dumb old bitch. it's literally none of your business. your job is to shut up and check out items not fucking ask random people you dont know if theyre "mad" or not. like seriously? like after that interaction i literally asked myself, did that really just happen? like you know what i think that was? i think that was like an act of god or something. like i think that was god asking me that. like he's trynna tell me not to take myself seriously and to lighten up. because that is so random that that happened. and bro. thats actually not the first time ive had a conversation like that. ive had several people fucking ask me if im mad for whatever reason and its honestly fucking annoying. bro. it's actually like some kind of phenomenon here in mexico. that is literally how mexicans are they just ask you shit like that. like im not even joking bro ive had exact conversations like that before it's not the first time it's happened. like. okay. i get it, God. i get it. i shouldnt take myself seriously. i should lighten up. blah blah blah. i should get that stick out my ass. i should stop being an asshole. i get it. i get all that. but sorry. that's just how i am. thats how i grew up. everything that ive experienced in my life has caused me to become the way i am. if you didnt want me to turn out like this you shouldnt have given me such a shit life experience. and now i gotta stop the attitude and completely act fake and nice and like i love life and people all of a sudden? fuck outta here. sorry im not like everyone else. i dont want to be like everyone else. sorry im a shit person. sorry im an asshole. but thats just me and im not gonna change so easily anytime soon........ i feel like everything i do is wrong. like people just have a fucking problem with every little fucking thing about me and just always have to point something out. and they just do it with me too. like no one else goes through this its literally always me and it is so fucking exhausting man. like i am literally fucking tired of it. like im trying my best. just fucking leave me be for fucks sake.

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review , ch 110

The writer doesn’t need to rush to akito (antagonist) & give us quick background exposition & escalate her mentality to the exploding moment, simply cuz tohru (the protagonist) isn’t emotionally in her most vulnerable moment yet. Tohru’s issues will be presented deeper  with each pov chapter she’ll have. So what should the writer do now?

This is a connected plot, meaning the emotions belonging to the previous chapter are still lingering & needs to be dealt with. There is no stupid laughing & cooking or even dumber momentarily amnesia. Nope! There is this:

-The Art of Writing Slow-Burns: (Lingering Emotions:)

Last time kyo hugged tohru thro the sheets. sth he wouldn’t do if it weren’t for the heartbreaking moment of tohru’s tears & the reason behind them. Why wouldn he do it? cuz he believes he’s the reason of her pain & is setting his mind on leaving her & being imprisoned as a punishment. He  wouldn’t do it cuz he loves her but he did it cuz he loves her. why? cuz love is illogical. Kyo’s heart moved him effortlessly to embrace her & “ his tenderness covered her pain” as the writer put it at the end of ch109.

Last time tohru hugged kyo thro the sheets, sth she wouldn’t do if it weren’t for the comfort of his warmth enveloping her loneliness & providing safety & a home. A home can a person. Why wouldn she do it? cuz Tohru is someone who hides pain behind a smile, someone who thinks she’s ugly & unlovable cuz she’s grieving still after all this time. She’s thinks she’s a burden. But here she confessed to kyo unprompted or advised by anybody. He only asked a fleeting question. but tohru cant hide who she is friom him anymore. Still, he accepted her & tenderly held her thro the sheets & she threw her body at him, she initiated the hug.

The sheet hig is the biggest emotional moment between kyo/tohru yet. It altered how they feel for each other cuz in that moment tohru’s mask fell & kyo was the most honest with himself emotionally. That’s not sth you move from with the stupid ED song. They both try to carry out normally afterwards cuz they live together after all. The slightest touch brings..... sexual tension!!!  it was so bad poor yuki left the house running!!!!!!!!

The writer cleverly escalates the sexual tension as they awkwardly try to find a talking topic, then dissolves it a bit when kto asks if tohru wants to go out together & where, then escalates it when tohru suggests buying eggs cuz she’s awkward, then dissolves it when kyo grumpily agrees but this is just grocery shopping” not a fun going out”, the escalates it when tohru said she’s happy for just bring together with him regardless of the location & kyo looses it! sexual tension explodes!

The target of the slow-burn isn’t the characters... the target is the audience! the writer plays with their emotions & cleverly puts the audience in a place where they desperately want these two idiots together but still remember why they aren’t! that’s very important. Having the readers cheer for a romantic relationship includes the readers understanding the obstacles ahead & how big they are & still cheer. If the obstacles are meh~ the readers will find the couple unrealistic, if the obstacles are so big & the couples emotions aren't buildup properly, then the couple themselves will feel meh~. Glad kyoru survived such writing mistakes both manga & anime ( anime hurt their characters more than their relationship).

-Yuki wants to move on from the unofficial son third wheeling his mom & her man:

The writer jokes abt yuki admitting he felt as a son watching his mon & her bf. I love tha this joke becuz it cleverly addresses the following points:

it is cleverly weaved in with the kyoru incident from last chapter. Sth happen & yuki doesn't know what is & doesn't want to! Yuki represents the audience I talked abt in the slow-burn point above. He is us. He’ll cheer for them to be together & will be so frustrated when they can’t. It adds to yuki confronting kyo at the climax!!! You see in the anime kyo/yuki stopped interacting much in se03. Then tada~~ big fight when it’s a must! & can’t be escaped... Here we still have kyo/yuki moments despite each boy moving away from his issues being the fault of the other. Basically better writing.....

The writer cleverly used this to address that yuki still feels like tohru’s son sometimes despite being more independent now, which is natural as you cant switch ur feelings with a button. But also the writer doesnt stay in this moment long & use it to build the next moment.. yuki/Aya , yuki/machi & aya/mine.... sadly all there dynamics are shortened in the anime like kyoru’s.

-I don’t think yuki/Aya  moment suffered much from the cuts, the entire school parents meeting ep us enough to reconcile the brothers. Aya defended yuki that day & so did yuki. He completely accepted him & stood up to him in front of the mom.

- More aya/mine would’ve been good to see & I would’ve preferred it to yuki/motoko moments in the anime that served nothing. but aya/mine too are stand alone story. They’re the most alike couple in a healthy way. Aya is the guy who protected his woman the most. simply cuz he’s the snake. snakes are secretive. he kept her to himself, even from yuki!!! impressive.

- What I lament from the cut of this mini yuki adventure?

1- This: ( yuki’s facial expressions) This is sth the anime fears, either cuz (a) pretty yuki is 100% pretty all the time, so no expressiveness cuz it leads to showing eyebrows & hiding them under layers of hair is the A.B.C of pretty characters... (b) Yuki in the anime is a prince 98% of the time, except with kyo (they got rid of this in se03 & give them one honest/ugly moment together) & with kakeru (one tiny moment in se03 in match’’s focus ep & then quickly back to prince yuki!)..., ugh!!!!!! I hate how yuki is prince thro & thro in the anime!!that’s why they couldn’t get rid of any motoko content!!! he’s a prince there... heck! school girls float after him the graduation ceremony... what’s up with that!! lol.

2-. This: ( machi with the toy that tohru/kisa/kagura/momiji & kiro like! so cute!!! also, foreshadowing yuki’s future chosen extended family! (his bro & his wife), (yuki & his wife) & best friend/his brother in law! Also, yuki is so himself! no glitters, no bubbles & no pretending anger! <3

Side Notes:

The lovely @mizzraynelly​ made notice kto’s speech in ch109 abt not vising his mom’s grave! Even tho it’s such a minor line, it’s one of the biggest cuts that foreshadow the accumulation of kyo’s guilt towards his mom. Kyo’s thing is guilt towards ppl he loves & fear of hurting them, by keeping this feeling alive in readers’ minds, the writer is making sure that the climax will hurt like sharp knives cuz the readers are on the same wave liength as kyo!!! epic buildup consists of tiny subtle pieces!

 Luckily, kyoru as a ship felt so strong in both manga & anime despite the later cutting half of their moments. Why? cuz the chosen cuts didnt affects the romantic relationship...no... the cuts affects the characters’ own personal struggle... most precisely tohru. Kyo’s own character struggles had better luck in the anime despite the cuts, simply cuz (a) was drawn with very expressive emotions & the anime team lingered on them in his scenes. (b) His character design as a whole was very expressive, the anime team didnt give him constant wide eyes like tohru & didn’t fear expr4essivness will affect for his “beauty “ like yuki. (c) kyo was given one ep per season for his issues which altho not much but way better than tohru (d) most important: kyo’s issues are very universal & very relatable” feeling guilt, mistakes & choosing wrong. That’s sth we all do!!! Tohru’s thing is grieve: this is very personal & most ppl experience it differently. 

I love kyo’s oufit!!! we have a hint of this moment in se03, ep 10 when yuki was fighting kyo... but they made yuki see them shopping as opposed of him seeing them being sexually charged!

I’m so mad this kyoru moment is cut!!!!!! tohru as a woman with pending sexual emotions is so refreshing & underrated in the trope of “ girl saves guys”. Also, it contradicts the pure mom image that’s been suffocating her since se01 ep 1!!!!! oh now i know why it’s cut... That’s why! momma tohru is so pure for such things & only when it’s the last two eps, then will allow her to be a woman choosing to live away with her man by her own desire! Why the anime only allow things ti happen when there’s no escape!!! I’ve always felt tohru/kyo is the type of couple to be expressive emotionally & sexually with each other based on seeing that ALL of their romantic interaction involves body language & I’m so happy there’s a canon proof so early before the future glimpse in finale!!!!!! 

I liked the aya-story, but it felt like the typical “ lesson of the day” formula, so I didnt analyze it much, but I enjoyed the brotherly interaction so much!! It had a gold mine of yuki being himself & so nit a prince! Im so happy I saw it! <3.

Every time yuki looked expressive is a happy moment for me!

[fallout-drabbles-n-stuff]

Companions and their mental health statuses?

(Wrote this while listening to a Spotify playlist named "going absolutely fucking apeshit" anyway- I'm gonna split this up by what I think character wise...and then my experiences with these seggsy bitches in game bc boy, it's been wild)

Cait:

•Sufferer of severe trauma throughout her life.

•Shit just gets worse

•Fights for her life and has a strong love for psycho before a special someone convinced her she is worthy of being loved

•Trust issues out the wazoo..for sadly, good reasons.

•Maybe not the worst on the list, but definitely up there.

In game experience...

•GOD DAMN FALLOUT VERSION OF LYDIA- like seriously? Gtfo the doorway! I'm getting blown up!

•Hates everyone and everything except sole and breaking the law.

Curie:

•Actually not all that bad...except for secret abandonment issues.

•Usually masks it by burying herself in research.

•As far as these poor bastards go, she's probably one of the most mentally stable- which is scary.

In game experience.....

•Sweet Frenchie with asshole pets.

(I don't travel with her often 🥲)

Danse:

Pre-Blind Betrayal-

•Confirmed sufferer of PTSD

•Blames himself for the death of several team members.

•Evidence points towards un-talked about alcoholism.

•Seems to be attracted to power armour..

•Not very good but not the worst on this list..

Post-Blind Betrayal-

•Same as above but add on identity crisis times a thousand and two.

•Will literally kill himself (or let you kill him) if you don’t convince him otherwise.

In game experience....

•Fucking goes apeshit, pre or post BB

•Completely unaware of his surroundings unless it has to do with vertibirds flying over head, then it's time for guerrilla warfare. "Fate has decreed that you must die!"- he speaks, drawing a laser rifle.

•Has been caught on multiple instances doing drugs out of the drug vending machine in Nuka World despite clearly being against them.

Deacon:

•Probably one of the more mentally fucked.

•Lost his wife in front of his own eyes in a notably terrible way.

•Escapes his deep seeded pain through his elaborate schemes, justifying it by telling himself it helps his organization.

•Still feels like shit every waking minute.

•Cant really allow himself to get close to anyone because of his experiences.

In game experiences...

•Asshole

•Jumpscare king, mainly because I didn't know he changed outfits THAT often.

•Doesn't like physical affection???  Shit that actually makes sense..

•Stalker.

Gage:

•He's pretty "meh" on the sanity scale. He's ruthless, but he's entirely stable besides his attachment issues.

•Trusts too easy and hates himself for it...also tries to make himself not be that way and for the most part, it works!

•Problematic raider.

In game experience...

•Makes stupid comments at inappropriate times as though he wishes for the enemies to murder us

•Thinks that walking through walls is entirely possible and gets stuck every time I run with him

Hancock:

•The actual worst on this fine list of mentally messed up individuals.

•Self worth is just nonexistent despite being a pretty all around decent guy

•Uses drugs to cover up terrible trauma to the point of putting himself in the greatest danger just short of dying

•Oh yeah, doesn't mind death actually.

•Doesn't feel worthy of anything deep down.

in game experience...

•Shoots sole for stealing shit in the third rail

•Unhinged

•Sits for hours

Macready:

•Lost his wife in a horrific way

•Only has his son, who he is convinced is going to die sooner than later because of something he can't control

•Willing to do everything if it means caps to send to his sick child

•Doesn't really have a place to call his "home"

•Reckless and unforgiving

In game experience...

•Being nice? How dare you speak such ill language.

•Kleptomaniac

Maxson:

•Does as good as a boy his age with all of the responsibility possibly could.

•Just imagine- your dad died when you were super young. Your mother shipped your ass away. The people you loved like family died all around you. Now you're stuck in foreign land and have no fucking idea where to begin, only that you have to mobilize these fuckers you're in charge of and remain a good leader...

•Still not good enough? Okay, pile on insomnia, alcoholism, and the thought that you have no one alive that truly loves you as more than just the "elder". Oh, but you eventually got to spit out some kids somehow because you're the last of the great "Maxson" line...

•Also not exactly on the "stable" side..

In game experience...

•Stares intently down the Prydwen command deck with his hands behind his back..for hours.

•Never wants to chat :(

•Long winded and short sighted, bad combo..

Nick:

•Has to deal with not only demons that technically aren't even his, but after "reunions"- Kellogg's fucked up self haunts him. He keeps it to himself and suffers silently.

•Deals with the pain of knowing there will never be a place where is truly just himself. He's a man trapped inside of a metal cage..and yet he's not even really "that" man, is he?

•One could easily understand how he has some issues too.

In game experience...

•Cigarettes? Yes.

•Oh, Youre in a fight? Seems like a good time to tighten the bolts in my hand right about now...

•Wields a flamer like a champ.

Piper:

•Surprisingly..has the most sound mental state out of all.

•Is a little obsessive tho

•Has had to adapt to the role of sibling and parent to her younger sister, which isn't easy for anyone.

•Often delves into her work, sort of like curie, to avoid dealing with the pain of her parents no longer being there for her or nat.

In game experience..

•Hey kid, want some Nuka-Cola?

•Mayor McDonough shall die, even if it means execution by the hands of everyone else in Diamond City.

Preston:

•Has canonically admitted to considering suicide.

•Is holding onto the last threads of hope he has with a fucking death grip.

•Definitely not of the best mental state

In game experience...

•Doesn't know how to properly use furniture.

•Can hear sole coming from a mile away and is already getting the map out for the next settlement

X6-88:

•Emotions? Is that a snack?

•Seriously though, he has been "reset" so many times that sometimes-he doesn't even realize it- he doesn't even know what "he" is. Every aspect of who he is..it should be gone, he's a machine and he knows it...why does he still feel like a person?

•Short story, he hates life. He hates being held captive and being used like a damn hound to hunt down those who were smart enough to run- those of which he envied and didn't even realize he did. Hey, he's just a machine though- it's his job and he knows better than to revolt.

•Violence is the freedom he feel he has. He can kill and track in any way he wants, so long as it is successful and what the Institute deem appropriate. It's horrible, but he doesn't realize it- and at this point he doesn't care. The death of another and the way they die by his hand is just his way of expressing who he is deep down.

In game experience...

•Oi, you don't like the institue? FUCK YOU

[itsthe-neo-zone]

Paint Bleeds on Ice - Enhypen Series

Enhypen, Park Sunghoon x Reader

Please read the Masterlist for this series. 

Authors Note// A bit of jay and jakey in this chapter, enjoy :)

Chapter 5:

“It’s not getting easier.” Juniper mumbled, her lips were cracked and dry, she moistened them with her tongue momentarily.

Jake sighed, he twisted around in his position on the sofa from the side.

“I know but you have to keep trying.” He pressed his lips together if there was a feeling he despised it was the lack of being able to help. And the emotion seemed to be the only feeling that he had these days.

“What if,” juniper paused, jakes eyes peered from his book and towards the hunched figure of his friend, he watched her stare emptily at the scratched canvas.

“What if I don’t want to?”

“don’t want to what.” The book slipped shut, this was more important. Jake felt that sense of hopelessness creep up again.

“Keep trying.” Her small echo bounced off the blank empty walls in the studio. “I don’t want this anymore.”

“Juniper please.” Jake stood up, fixing the jumper he wore. A shiver pressed itself into his cool hands, his voice cracked slightly. The stinging of a salty tear began slowly trickling its way down her lower eye lid, pushing down a sniffle she repressed the sorrowful emotion. Don’t cry. Not here, not now.

He walked over to the stool she sat on. Slipping his fingers into hers he took away the paintbrush and pencil.

“It’ll come back eventually.” Arms slowly introduced themselves to her crouched figure. She looked fragile, broken. Helpless. It wasn’t a look that suited her.

Jake pressed her head towards his chest effulging her with his hold and scent hoping it calmed the raging solemn emotions that were starting to take over.

His eyes softened at the weak grasp she had on his sweater. She’d lost weight. It’s like she was starving herself or something. Rubbing up and down her firm back Jake tried his best to give her what he could.

“I don’t think so Jake.”

~

Dear diary,

So I’m fucked, big time.

Whatever happened to me must’ve fucked up the creative part in my head, because it’s been a good while and I haven’t reverted.

I’ve probably lost everything now, all my skill, the talent I’ve been cultivating and working on, gone, poof.

Mums called into college to ask if I can switch classes, I guess I’m not going to be able to continue in art since nothing is working right now.

I’m just sick of this, sick of everything, sick of having to sit around and hope for the best while I ‘give it another chance’ when I know myself I wont be able to go back. I regret nothing though, it just wasnt executed properly.

And I just feel so vulnerable.

I cant control the emotions in me, I cant control my anger, I’m just always so numb and when I do feel something its either tears or anger.

I miss being happy.

I miss…

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” The black diary flips shut. Juniper slides it off her lap and into her bag swiftly as soon as she hears jays familiar voice ringing near her.

The tall raven, took a seat next to her flashing her a bright smile. “How have you been Juni?”

“Good, good. Um, all good.” Juniper glanced down and up before making her way towards his own gaze with her eyes. She mentally cursed herself over the small and awkward response.

“Uh, ok, that’s good.” He shifted closer, “Listen,” Jays fingers slipped above her own resting above the table, he was caught off guard with the cold flinch that shuddered throughout her figure. This wasn’t normal juniper behaviour. Somethings wrong.

What the fuck was wrong with me, junipers face fell, she tried to cover the horrified look that was slowly peeking from behind the mask.  when she saw herself flinch away from jays touch. His face gave it all away.

He noticed too.

“I… um, I wanted to introduce you to someone special.” His fingers moved away and Jay distanced slightly.

Please no, don’t. It was almost felt physically, the pain that panged through her chest watching him pull away from her touch, his visible confusion turned into discomfort then respect as he gave her space. God I always do this, I push everyone away, fuck.

Juniper clenched her jaw involuntarily. “Sure, I’d love to meet them.” She paused. Her lips opened slightly to talk but the words were stuck, clogged in her throat.

Juniper pressed them together quickly forming a tight lipped smile.

“Fantastic, I know you’ll get super close.”

Jay flashed a smile back at juniper, she nodded unable to comprehend why her body was getting hot and cold flashes. The awkward tension in between the air around her and jay. The boy she was once inseparable with.

 ~~~

 “Keep still will you?” Karina mumbled. “You’ll definitely give everything away with that body language.” She rolls her eyes lolling her head back to stretch,

I looked up from beneath my lashes at her, the raven was perched up at the edge of the table. The diner ambience was calm enough not to startle me, but I could still feel the sharp trickling feeling of beady eyes on my back.

“I’m slightly uncomfortable.”

“Yeah I know, but you need to ease yourself back into public settings, no human can survive being locked up in a studio all day.”

“I wouldn’t call it being locked up. Its voluntary isolation,” i was able to calm the fiddling with my fingers by sliding my hand looking for jakes.

“Right, He’s not here.” I whisper. Karina picks up on my words.

“He’s taking too long in the toilets.” She sighed,  “Probably admiring his obnoxious self in the mirror.”

“when did jay say he’ll be here?

“At six thirty.”

“Calm down you two, he’ll be here soon.” Jake finally makes his way over towards their booked table sliding next to me into his space.

“Missed me?” he grinned. I sighed feeling relieved,

“No not at all,” Karina rolled her eyes, taking her seat as well facing Jake. The two continued bickering playfully to pass time.

Shifting slightly, I slipped my hand into his gratefully, he extended it out letting me touch his metallic rings, a habit I picked up recently. I twisted them around studying his fingers.

Recently Jake has been the target of my attention and a safe haven in this whole mess, trying to get myself out of this block through drawing him has been the last thread keeping me from losing it completely.

I chuckle quietly at the stage I’ve hit. Playing with the texture indented into the ring I don’t realise jay had arrived and was chatting to the others already. Jakes hand caressed my own capturing my attention.

Glancing upwards I was greeted with the warm smile jay usually gave, “hey,” he mumbled, extending his hands. I stood gathering courage, stepping closer and into his embrace.

“I missed you.”

There was a tremble in his voice, his arms careful around me, almost cautious. Like id disappear with a tighter grip. I felt him holding back.

“I missed you too,” I sigh, his scent was always the same. Comforting and velvety, wanting to push me back onto a train down memory lane with him before he left for America.

It was short but I wanted it to last, I wanted to be there, in the moment. In his touch, speaking from the heart, whispering only for each other to hear.  

Jay stepped away, his smile bright, the edges melancholic though, it was similar to the one I saw before he left.

I was confused.

“So, I wanted to introduce you all to someone very special to me.”

I sat back down letting jay take his seat at the top of the table, the figure that was standing to the far edge, came into view.

Blonde curls, gorgeous round orbs, doe eyed even. The girl held herself with grace and poise, she waked towards him, smiling as she greeted the table. It was genuine as can be, and filled with so much joy.

“Hi, my name is Cara, wonderful to meet you all.”

“This is Karina,” the raven smiled a greeting,  “Jake, one of my closest friends.” Jake nodded grinning.   “And this is juni.” I looked up flashing a quick smile.

I was still very confused and I think the feeling was mutual between me and the others. Jake gasped slightly when the young female shifted closer to his friend.

Cara grabbed his hand in hers and interlinked their fingers, I felt a shiver tickle the back of my spine, feeling a cold flash through my fingertips.

“Bro? you have something to confess?”

Jay looked from her to his friends. “Were dating, Cara is my girlfriend.” He lifted their hands together. I didn’t need the movement, my eyes were already attached to their fingers since she touched him.

I gulped slightly, the sour taste at the back of my throat was itching to be relieved but I couldn’t dare bring myself to cough or speak.

“Congratulations, I’m happy for you bro.” Jake was nudged harshly by Karina to notice.

“Yes, congrats.” She added forcedly, flashing a grin towards the two.

My fingers nimbly searched for jakes beneath the table, ever material that wasn’t his touch sent me into a deeper spiral of worry.

I was too late.

“I told you they’d love you.”

I should’ve said yes, I should’ve been there.

“See sweetheart? Nothing to worry about Cara, you’ll be close friends with them all.”  

I pushed him away, for good. They’ll all leave.  

“I know you and juniper will get along so well, I trust you two to become close very quickly, Cara has a similar personality to our juni.”

Is she my replacement? I’ll be so easily replaced with everyone else, they’ll all go.

Jay, Jake, Karina, Ningning, mum, dad. Everyone.

It’s even getting difficult to breath.

I found jakes warmth radiating from his figure near me. Gripping his hand, he held my hand beneath the table tightly rubbing his thumb soothingly in the centre of my palm.

Jake stood eyeing Karina, she picked up the message.

“Jay tell  me about how you two met?”

“Lets take a trip to the bathroom, shall we?” murmuring, I felt his touch slither behind me and make its way to the small of my lower back. Lifting me up gently. We stepped out and away from the table.

Daze evident in my eyes.

“Is juni ok? You not feeling well?” jay stood up making the two females chatting pause,

“She had coffee before she came here is all, you know her and caffeine don’t go well on an empty stomach.”

Jay paused, eyebrows furrowed.

“She’s always loved coffee, this is juniper were talking about.” He mumbled to Jake. Jays eyes glimmered with mistrust. He was beyond confused.

The males lips pressed together, before sighing, “It’ll be alright Hyung. Don’t worry, she’ll be fine, just order something for her till we get back.”

Jay watched Jake carefully walk off away with wonder, his eyes capturing my small frame against jakes broad one.

~~~

 “That was so obvious, juni—” he paused for a second. Trying to read the situation. “Are you ok?”

The breath that left my lips came out shakier than I had expected. And I wasn’t liking the knot that was building and squeezing tighter low and in my stomach. It made me feel slightly sick,

“I haven’t eaten anything but I feel sick.” I slid myself down to the floor, the corridor we were in was near the back towards the bathrooms. i glanced up towards Jake seeing him flustered and anxious.

“You’ll be ok, it’ll be fine,” he sounded more like self-reassurance. My brain racked through actions. What was I supposed to do now, I sighed again.

Fluttering my eyes shut I could still feel the ghost of jays touch around my figure and the warm minty breath caressing my ears. It felt violating. He was with someone else, I couldn’t be like this anymore. I was too late.

But fuck did I wish it was me.

The feeling of his ghostly figure around me started to get too much, I was too aware of the fluffy fibre of the jumper I wore and the tight astringent feeling of the cage of my bra pressing down on my chest. It became too much to feel, the eyelashes on my cheek resting, they were prickling and I felt like I was about to explode.

“I need to forget.” I murmured hauling myself up.

“What?” Jake staggered backwards confused but helping me up. I silently thanked him pushing him back gently.

“I need to forget it all.” I whisper, he heard clearly from how close we were. But the confusion on his face showed what was on his mind.

Jakes voice cracked slightly he was seriously concerned now. “Jun, what are you talking about?”

“I need this, so just. i…” I felt out of breath, shaky and not in the right place mentally. But his lips were there, Jake was breathing hard, almost panting.  Taking some of his exhale in, I paused, it felt good. It was so wrong but it felt good.

“I’m sorry, jakey.” I pushed him further back,

“Sorry for wh--”

He hit a wall, but he couldn’t say much when his lips were pressing against mine, I pushed. Letting out all the frustration out. Everything I was struggling with left through that kiss.

Pressing deeper and tilting my head he reciprocated slowly easing in after the initial shock, it felt electric, sending shockwaves down my entire being and waking me up slowly. The dull pain in my chest subsiding as it filled with a nauseatingly sweet feeling.

I felt his fingers slowly trace every little inch of my arms, looking for skin he found my palms slowly taking his own and interlocking, trying to reassure the raging storm within me.

The other caressing my own cheek, he pushed away the wet tears rolling down, wiping all the pain and dull aching away.

It didn’t match, he didn’t match the aggression. Jakes soft actions didn’t mirror the violent kissing. He picked up the pace letting himself enter past my lips his tongue keeping me focused on him and making me forget, I tried hard to keep set on why I did this,

Why was I kissing Jake? Why did I do this?

The questions were fumbling my brain, I didn’t want to fall in the trap of losing myself in the pleasure. But I haven’t felt it in so long. It was a rare emotion. And it was intense like a drug taken away from someone addicted then being dangled right between his grasp.

 And I was hooked pulling him closer to my touch, so close it almost hurt my own lips.

 ~~~

I went home that night with the bitter taste of his iced Americano in my mouth. And an immense amount of guilt for running away from him.

Seola - It’s the neo zone © All rights reserved.

[littlenekosfan]

i had a thought... a very sad one, i vaguely mentioned it in one of my previous posts, but i think making a post alone emphasize better the point i wanna talk about.. jugram’s lack of empathy

jugram and bazz had known each other for 6 months when bazz looses his home, this is clearly enough for 2 people to get to know each other right...? not quite, its not easy given their background and situation and i think the scene with the fire proves it that it wasnt

i estimate their age here around 12, so they are still kids but socializing isnt awkward like very young kids who cant properly communicate or teenagers who often already have a personality and circle established, around their age they often like to find a new friend to befriend and they often pick people who they relate to or have similar interest, in this case, their personality dont click, but do have that desire to find someone, find a friend, since they both cant find one for different reasons

these are assumptions ofc, but i think bazz doesnt have friends because of his personality and maybe even his status, i dont think people wants to be friend with him, he’s not a “normal” kid, he’s a genius and arrogant, what’s the charm to that? as for jugram, i think its not only how him and his uncle are very isolated from the village, but also jugram not even acknowledging the concept of friendship, having a friends

and for that, they will have different reasons to why they befriended the other, bazz initially just wanted to tease jugram for fun, but seeing his actual weakness and hopelessness to his situation (with abuse), he couldnt bear the idea of leaving him, he does believe the weaker should be helped by the stronger, and i cant blame him for thinking like that, he’s after all, still a kid, and for jugram, he wasnt aware of the concept of making friends but it doesnt mean he didnt need it, he was very reluctant of the idea at first, but seeing the care and love bazz gave in that small exchange, made him realize his feelings matters too, he wanted to keep that and being friend with bazz would give him that new flame in his empty heart

all that to say, despite hanging together occasionally during 6 months (because, they still had their normal life on their side, bazz had a home, parents, jugram needed to hunt if he wanted to eat and his uncle is demanding) it wasnt enough to make them close, and this is not bc of the time or frequency they would see each other but their own background, jugram never felt empathy, not even sympathy, the only true glimpse he got from it was from bazz from the few times they hanged and ofc that’s clearly not enough to undo years of trauma and mistreating

so when i see the jugram from when he was a kid to a teenager, the gap is huge, its very impressive and i would even say comforting

here when bazz looses his home, he’s so devastated that he collapse onto his knees and even cry (deducing from the panel) but jugram isnt even fazed by that, and i mean, not about his uncle, but his own friend’s grief, its not that he couldnt relate to the loss of parents or dear people, he simply cant, since he never experienced love and even less empathy, so for jugram, comforting bazz isnt even something natural because nobody comforted him before, jugram lacks a lot of socialization and understanding human emotions because nobody told him crying is okay, nobody gave him a hug, nobody taught him how to love, because he was never loved

this is why when i see jugram as a teen, i see someone who recovered so much from trauma and living not with a mask bc he never had one back then, he was just broken, he lives as a self who is loved and cared better than the kid he used to be

its small like that, but his closeness, physically, and his emotions being very openly worrisome... it just gets me, i just *heart shatters* THEIR PERSONAL SPACE IS JUST, NOT THERE BC THEY ARE THAT CLOSE I- *CRIES*

ahem, there is this panel...... oh my god, he actually touched him....... i honesly cant recall all their physical contact, but to be so little, this is not only important but also very normal

its now normal for jugram to worry, to care, to have empathy toward someone because you care about them, he started to understand being physical and getting a hold of people you care about is something natural, and this is such a big growth in his character...

from a child who was broken from birth (not referring to his quincy heritage, but his environment, where/who he grew up with) who couldnt understand the feelings to care and sympathize with someone to a teenager who empathizes and care about the people he loves....

[batz]

out of th blue badly written hc time WHATEVER

ok when coomer and bubby meet its thru just. being assigned as lab partners at work thats IT. coomer is aware that bubby is a creation of black mesa, he had to sign So much paperwork just because of that (which is why bubby is usually working by himself. a lot of ppl see the paperwork, the waivers, and often end up refusing to work with bubby bc of that. it actually caused a bunch of rumors to be spread of bubby setting ppl on fire or 'going feral' or whatever even tho thats not the case, its just a safety precaution black mesa takes in the case of that Possibly happening. in the case of bubby reverting, like his prototypes did. but i digress)

coomer is aware of bubby not entirely being human but is chill about it, treating him as human as he'd treat any other person. and they become friends (reluctant friends on bubbys side of things ofc).

and i just love the idea of like. despite them being decent friends, bubby is VERY secretive about like. his 'life outside work' (i.e. the shit black mesa puts him thru. th experiments th tube th Everything) just bc like. its just not coomers business. he doesnt wanna get looked at like hes a sad lil puppy, bc hes a fully grown man and also emotional stuff is just kinda. weird for him.

anyway i love the idea of after like 6 months of coomer n bubby being friends, bubby suddenly just. vanishes for a couple days. and hes like, Never been late for work.mainly bc he lives in the facility so its kind of impossible for him to be late. hes missed a few days (for unknown reasons) here and there, sure, but coomer often got some warning and a replacement partner for those days. but today it was just, radio silence. and so coomer, worried, goes looking for him.

asking around for bubbys whereabouts, and people giving vague answers like 'he was walking with a bunch of other scientists down the corridor' or 'i think he went through that door last time i saw him?' leads coomer to this large door in -insert whatever department Buby Creation™ would b a part of-. he opens the door and hes instantly greeted with a large room with a tube smack dab in the middle of it, bubby jus kinda floating in th tube.

bubby didn't really say anything to coomer about like. the tube specifically. bc it was honestly kind of embarassing. the Ultimate Being confined in a tube full of goop. y eah. so coomer sees bubby, looking hazey/drifting in and out of consciousness, a bunch of wires + oxygen mask n shit connected to him, floating in this large ominous tube??? yeah he immediately freaks out and tries to fuckn HELP him. bubby is trying to tell coomer hes OKAY but the speakers aren't on so he cant communicate clearly.

coomer is eventually dragged out by security, and bubby passes out (The Drugs Have Taken Effect!) and its just. a rough couple minutes. the scientists - bubbys handlers - explain to coomer whats up, that the tube is just how they do routine checkups, how there was a glitch in the system which is why coomer wasn't assigned a partner for that day. coomer is,somewhat calmed by this but is still generally offput by the whole situation. seeing your friend in such a state would disturb anyone.

the next day bubby kinda just sits down and tells coomer whats up, from HIS perspective ofc. talking abt the tubes, the experimentation, the 'checkups', etc etc. hes rlly casual and methodical in his explanation (albeit a bit embarassed bc Slight Vulnerability Bad), but despite how much he tries to downplay the situation, coomer just pulls him into a hug. n bubby is just kinda frozen bc hes. pretty sure this is the first time hes been like. properly hugged. and its just incredibly weird for him. he eventually just hugs back. awkward back pats nd all fhsjhd

coomer is probably a bit softer around bubby after that. not in a patronizing way or anything, like hes still coomer, and if something calls for spontaneous boxing then he WILL rough house !!! but more like. when bubbys gone for a couple days for those 'checkups' and comes back sort of hazey and 'not completely there', coomers just a lot more accommodating n like, quiet n keeps his space if bubby needs it. or is there for those good coomer brand hugs™!!!! and im just dhdkddhdjdjdjdjddndsjsjsnsnsns

[dreamsmp-au-ideas]

OK im back from a couple days of bein out (srry for semi spamming notifs) n ive got good brother dream au dream team stuff. sapnap encourages tommys destructive tendencies a LOT. Especially when tommy comes into his pheonix abilities. intentionally or no, a lot of buildings (and otherwise) are burned. often, sap takes the blame. this becomes especially true when others begin to join the smp. being a bird hybrid, its necessary for tommy to get good sleep, otherwise he cant fly well. as a pheonix, he runs very warm. this makes for perfect cuddle opportunities. sap and dream have caught george and tommy curled up in front of windows multiple times, sleeping. dream was the one to teach tommy how to properly defend himself... NOT. none of them could cos they ended up chasing after this feral child trying to keep him away from even the least harmful weapon so he wouldnt hurt himself. they had to bring in someone else. lets say... they contacted punz, who I think would be purpleds sibling, and the two of them whisked toms away on a training trip. when he gets back he has top of the line armor and weapons and can wield them with scary accuracy. his actual bonding time with dream is cooking and crafting. they made thier masks together, alongside george and sap (who also made masks. they sit unused and hung on the wall, reminders of a happy and content summer day in a secluded cabin) they make really good pastries, and while dream favors apple, tommy loves cherry pastries. dream jokingly, dramatically, declares this a betrayal. its so exaggerated and they laugh about it together. the only people the team really trust tommy with aside from punz & purpled is skeppy & bad, who have been entrusted with tommy the (few) times the team has gone without him on adventures. bad often reads with tommy, and skeppy likes mining with the kid and teaching him new skills. they are the first two people on the smp aside from the trio and tommy (besides antfrost but im not sure how they fit in yet. they are likely one of the people who trains and spars with tommy. punz and purpled are invited right after) -star anon, who is going to change thier name to wingless anon bc they noticed the star emote anon. hello star emote anon, hello op, hello everyone

This is great. I love that. It’s just a bunch of bonding moments and I love it. Yes. Good bonding times.