#it's just so funny to me that Artemis is calling the Butlers his friends

[fowlofprey]

//but anyway i did go on the wiki and found a lot of choice arty quotes and decided to share them here bc he is actually so fucking funny and never gets credit for it. forewarning this is long jfkljfk

Artemis Fowl (book 1): "Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron."

"Artemis: Lollipops!

Butler: Say again. I thought you said -

Artemis: Eh… I mean, get out of there. Take cover! Take cover!"

"Knock yourself out…Or rather, don't."

The Eternity Code (book 3): (apparently there weren't very many worth noting in the arctic incident) "I never tell people exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared."

"No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's menu itself tastes better than the meals on it."

The Opal Deception (book 4): "Finally, some intelligent conversation." (when being told he left a message to himself)

(also this one which wasn't on the wiki but i had a screenshot of and had to include because it is SO FUCKING FUNNY) "Video Artemis: Doubtless this will be the first intelligent conversation you have had for some time. Real Artemis, smiling: Correct. Video Artemis: I paused for a second there to give you a chance to respond, thus qualifying this as a conversation."

"If we make it through this, we will be friends. Bonded by trauma."

"No one ever calls me just to say 'Hello'."

The Lost Colony (book 5): "Everyone says that I have no sense of humor, then I construct a perfectly sound pun around a well-known psychological condition, and it is ignored."

"It's the blasted puberty."

The Time Paradox (book 6): (note that some off these are made by 10 yr old artemis and others are made by 14 year old artemis either way the point stands he's fucking hilarious) "Artemis: Dastardly, Butler? Dastardly? Honestly, Butler, we are not cartoon characters. I do not have a villainous laugh or an eye patch.

Butler: You'll have an eye patch real soon if you don't focus on the job at hand." (butler is also so fucking funny. i love that man)

"We get an apartment together, and after a whirlwind courtship you marry my sister and honeymoon in Vegas."

The Atlantis Complex (book 7): "Don't you worry about that, Mr. Adamsson. Why don't you head back to Reykjavik and spend some of that extortionate fee you charged me for a couple of hours' usage of your frankly third-rate restaurant and perhaps find a friendless tree stump to listen to your woes?"

"I'm the nut!"

"Of course I do. It's D-O-N-K-E-Y space B-O-Y." (after foaly asked for his password)

"I hear you went on a date with Trouble Kelp. Are you two planning on building a bivouac any time soon?"

and i've never read book 8 but i cannot ignore this one: "Sometimes being devious pays off."

also i found another post on my main tht i reblogged AGES ago but it is PEAK ARTEMIS ENERGY i shall find it and reblog it fjkjfka

[little-mouse-adventures]

The part in the first Artemis Fowl book where Artemis & the Butlers escape the time stop is actually so funny.

In the past eight hours, Butler has dealt with a loose hostage, a dwarf intruder, a squadron of cops, and a troll, seen his sister be deeply hypnotized, and practically died, and his last thought before falling unconscious after his twelve-year-old boss essentially poisons him by mixing liquor and un-prescribed pills is (understandably) "I am so ready to kill this little shit but won't for my sister's sake."

Whereas Artemis's last thought is just "I'm a bit sad I couldn't tell my friends that I drugged their drinks :( . Oh well. Bottoms up!"

Like...c'mon, Artemis. I know you're twelve, but let's develop a bit of self and situational awareness, yeah?

[weeinterpreter]

Okay, apologies for sending in another (I’m not sure if we’re supposed to do more than one??) but that fic was DELIGHTFUL, so, if I may- more League-Of-Evil-Artemis (But Butler Is Alive), where Fowl Sr. figures out about it and he wants to join too, but the other villains won’t let him because ‘excuse you, we may be evil but bad FATHERS are Not Allowed, now scram’, which Artemis maybe sort-of appreciates? (yes this is ooc for all the villains but I want Artemis to have some friends? Even if they’re evil ones?) And it’s just really funny (and maybe a little sad because Fowl Sr. is an obviously bad, neglectful parent and that makes Artemis sad, and the other villains feel kinda bad for him because of it).

I'm over the moon to hear that you enjoyed the goofy villains, Blue. And really, you can send me as many requests as you like, I love getting them, and I love the Evil Association of Evil Villains (with Butler obviously alive)! So, let's do this.

Artemis was scribbling on the drawings spread out in front of him when someone knocked on the door.

"Come in," he called out, not even looking up when the person entered. After a moment of silence, his father cleared his throat.

"What are you doing?"

Artemis jerked up, hastily folding his work together, hitting a button on his laptop, the screen turning black in an instant.

"Nothing."

His father was silent, then he nodded towards Artemis's papers.

"Is it for the Association?"

Artemis shrugged. "Perhaps?"

Artemis's father nodded, crossing the room and stopping at the window. He observed the gardens underneath for a long minute before clearing his throat.

"Do they still allow people to join? You know I used to be a bit of a celebrity in the underworld."

A vein in Artemis's forehead throbbed as he folded his hands over his documents.

"Memberships are currently closed, I'm afraid," he said.

Artemis Sr swayed his arms helplessly from left to right. "Do you know when they open again? I don't mind being on the waiting list."

"Afraid not."

"Perhaps... any other evil dads around?" Artemis Fowl Sr asked with a forced laugh.

"I don't think so, father."

"Right, right... well, it was good talking to you, son." His father retreated ever so slowly, surely expecting him to change his mind. It didn't happen.

"It's been a real... slice. We should go golfing sometime soon."

"Sure, father," Artemis said, examining his fingernails until Artemis Sr had left.

"Did you get that?" Artemis asked, turning to his open laptop. The black screen flashed and several people appeared.

Opal shook her head. "The cheek! How did you stay so calm? I would have thrown something at his head, if I were you."

"Yeah, me too," Ark Sool said, shaking a fist at the camera. "That was so lame. Like, 'I was a bit of a celebrity'? Please, anyone can sell fake mummies on the black market."

"You know," Opal said, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. "I kicked my father off a cliff. A friend of mine, she has some wild dalmatians. They could make it look like an accident."

Artemis shook his head. "I have brothers."

Jon made an agreeing noise. "Yeah, you don't want to traumatise your brothers, that'll only lead to backstabbery in the years to come. Been there, done that."

"Well, you know," Briar said, "at least you live in a mansion and don't have to see him every day. I was living with my parents in a two-bed flat for 150 years."

The other villains murmured in agreement.

Artemis sighed and lifted the plans for everybody to see. "Thanks guys, I appreciate it. But let's move on to something more fun. I think, I have found a way for us to melt the sensitive ozone layer around the world even fast–"

He interrupted himself when someone knocked on his door again. This time it was Butler.

"You wanted to see me, sir?" he asked.

Artemis smiled.

"Indeed, come in, old friend. We are off to do some crime. Let me lay the plans out for you and this time,"–he added, after seeing Butler's dark expression–"we shall succeed."

[me-fangirlingxxx]

New blood

——————————

It was a quiet summer evening in Ireland for those up the surface and a simulated one, but quite the same, for those under it. Nothing was outside the normal.

In Fowl manor, Artemis Fowl the second in his study, as usual, doing some work and research. Butler, his bodyguard, was patrolling the grounds. The twins, Myles and Beckett Fowl, were in their room. No one had any idea what they were doing, but as long as they’re safe and nothing was being bombed, everything should be alright. The parents were on a business trip so the house was all for their sons to do as they please...

It was a quiet summer evening, as mentioned before, until something popped on Artemis’ laptop screen emergency mud boy! Holly is on her way to you it was from Foaly, the LEP technician. When there’s a problem down in Haven that required his assistance, it’s usually Holly who’s the first to inform him, but this time Foaly was the one to do so. It doesn’t look like it, but Foaly was panicking so it must be serious.. He was about to ask more about the details but the sound of the window opening and closing again stopped him and informed him about the arrival of Holly “Hello Arty! What are you up to?” She asked after giving him a quick hug which he happily returned “I should be the one to ask you this question after what Foaly just sent me” he said. Holly bent down looking at his screen “Ah yes! Well..in my opinion he’s just exaggerating..”

“Thought so myself..”

“..But you might want to look at it to ease his anxiety” she continued. Artemis thought for a moment before agreeing to her suggestion, because as much as he likes to mess with Foaly, he doesn’t wish to see any of his friends in distress “alright Captain, what are the details?” He asked extending his hand towards the near sofa offering her a seat “Two days ago the LEP got a message from an unknown person asking to meet with some of us, plus the humans who know about our existence..” “us..” interrupted Artemis referring to his family.

“Exactly! Foaly tracked the messages source but the only thing we could find is an old laptop in a dumpster” she continued and took a breath after spilling all of this information at once “so it wasn’t outside of Haven?” Artemis asked “no it wasn’t, but the next day we got another message and it was just a plain old letter, that didn’t have an address, which contained the same request as the first one. The funny thing is what the unknown person claims to be..” said Holly with a little laugh at the end “which is?” Asked Artemis afraid of the disappointment that might come

“Vampires!” And the disappointment did indeed come..

“You got to be kidding me Holly..”

“I wish I was! That’s why I said it might be just a joke but we need to find out who actually sent it first”

Artemis sighed and responded “don’t worry I’ll start looking into it first thing tomorrow morning”

“Only if you promise me to have a good night sleep not those two hours you call resting” Holly said, pointing a finger to him as a form of friendly threat “Can’t make a promise, but I’ll try”

“Fair enough!”

——————————

Artemis actually tried to have a perfect eight hours of sleep to satisfy his friend, but unfortunately it didn’t work as planned, which wasn’t very surprising, and he ended up waking up at 4am with only three hours of sleep the previous night.

He took this as an opportunity to finish his work and than starting to investigate further into the ‘Vampires Case’ afterwards. Just after getting himself comfortable in his desk, Artemis heard a knock on the big manor doors. He took it upon himself to open it thinking no one was awake at this time except maybe Butler which was proven true when both of them met at the entrance “who do think it is?” Asked Butler “For sure it can’t be mother and father because they should be here at least three days from now. Why don’t we just open it to find out?” Answered Artemis...

The bodyguard opened the door with a relaxed look, but an activated protection mode.

Behind that door stood a young woman with an inocente smile on here face

“Hello!”

——————————

Read the tags

[miniherodesktales]

Artemis and the Stairs (3)

Saint Bartleby’s School had the best of everything, as reflected by the size of the fees, and this included, of course, stairs. 

Stairs have their uses, both practical and aesthetically; all the best places have them. They’re good for allowing people to move upstairs and, sometimes, downstairs; it all depends on the whim and needs of the stair walker.

Unfortunately, some humans possess no natural talent for ascending or descending stairs - descending usually proving to be the trickier of the two - and Artemis Fowl was one of those unfortunates. 

It was Friday afternoon and he and Oliver Doyle had been paired up for Monitoring Duty for the day. 

Oh, does your school not have Monitoring Duty? You poor creature...although, actually my school never had them either, worst luck.

Monitoring Duty is a neat little arrangement which pleases both the admin team and the students, but not the parents, it has to be said.

The official line is that Monitoring Duty helps instill into the students a sense of responsibility and pride in the running and efficiency of their school. 

But, in reality it meant a blessed day out of lessons for the students and a pair of willing hands for the office staff to fetch, carry, deliver, cut out, print, and laminate. 

Anyway, since it was nearing the end of the day and Ms Jellyman had promised the boys that if they would quickly move two heavy boxes of old and unwanted exercise books to the janitor’s office so that he could dispose of them, they could leave early.

Not even Artemis could resist a hook like that, even if it came at the cost of lifting something and potentially getting sweaty and dusty. 

‘And take your time on the stairs!’ Mrs Jellyman called after them. ‘Especially you, Artemis!’

The stairs in question should have been safe enough. They were stone, but wide, designed with students laden down with heavy books and bags in mind. Even Artemis could manage to wobble one slow step at a time, with his right elbow running down the handrail to help him keep balance. Oliver followed a few steps behind, patiently slowing himself down for Arty’s sake. 

Of course, whoever had designed that particular flight of stairs had not reckoned on how much Oliver “Froggy” Doyle wanted Artemis’ attention, just clumsy Artemis could be and how easily distracted he could be by Olly.

‘Hey, Arty, listen to this. Okay, so I’m walking down the stair, right? With a heavy box....but at the same time..”Be to not or be to”....I can recite Shakespeare backwards!’

Artemis -completely forgetting what he was doing, where he was and what he should be concentrating on - attempted to turn around so that he could look back up at the blonde boy and make some snarky come back.....big mistake.

He slipped, fell back, dropping the box, and cracking the side of his head against the stone step.

There was blood.

Oliver dropped his box and jumped the next five steps, landing next to his friend. He called Artemis’ name, gave him a shake, but no response.

There was more blood.

Oliver panickly weighed up his options. He should run for help, he was a fast runner, he was good at running....yet, there was no one else about and head injuries could be serious...so...

Oliver lifted up Artemis’ head just enough so that he could press his middle and index fingers against the wound. Artemis’ blood felt warm and slick.

Oliver closed his eyes so that he could concentrate easier, to calm himself. He dug deep, deep inside of his mind to where the magic river flowed within. He plunged his hands into the current and ordered it to gush out into the real world. 

A “gush” was being a bit optimistic, Oliver had always found it to be so; instead what he got, what he always got, was a few sticky drops, secreting from his finger tips like tree sap gradually running down a branch.

You see what Oliver didn’t know, but is obvious to you and me, is that the human race had long since forgotten their magical abilities, that the ancient part of their brain is buried deep under all that new grey matter and neurons for operating electrical toasters and Youtubing.

But forgotten doesn’t mean gone for good. 

It has been long theorized that humans would remember their magic under certain circumstances. Circumstances such as the Earth slowly dying and crying out for all Her children to help her. But that is just a guess.

As far as Oliver knew he was the only one who could feel the magic within himself, he had been born like it and instinctively kept it secret. But, in truth he was not the only one.

Beckett Fowl, for instance, could talk to animals, but all his family simply believed that he had a vivid imagination. Which he did. But he could also communicate with animals. And sponges. 

Oliver focused on rubbing those piffy little drop of magic into the wound, doing everything he could to urge the magic on.

The bleeding quickly diminished into a dribble and stopped all together. Artemis stirred in Oliver’s arms and opened his mismatched eyes and smiled.

Here’s the thing about human magic: even though the humans don’t know how to make the most of the drops they still have access to, even a tiny amount works well for healing other humans, leaving them feeling really good afterwards.

Fairy on Human magic always works well  because we Fairies are just so good at it- as Artemis will know - but Human on Human is even better. Artemis spent the rest of the day giggling at random moments and even said he would go to Disneyland with Beckett. 

He would have been horrified at his own words but he had been too preoccupied to really hear himself.

Oliver had magic, he was sure of it.

He had woken up on the stairs feeling wonderful. Artemis Fowl never felt wonderful except for the times that he had been magically healed.

There had been blood on the steps and on his shirt, but not even the faintest scar anywhere on his head; Butler had checked. Not to mention that the highly embarrassing spot just above his left eyebrow had finally vanished, even after stubbornly surviving every kind of cream available and formulated by himself. 

And then there was Oliver himself.

‘I’m not a wizard!’ Oliver had blurted out, all of a fluster. ‘And don’t worry about the blood because your head had stopped bleeding now and head injuries are funny like that. Fountains of blood one minutes and then gone the next!’

‘I...know that you’re not a wizard....’ Artemis said slowly, restraining himself from asking a thousand questions. ‘And yes head injuries can be very unpredictable.’

‘Good! Good!’ Oliver said, nodding his head repeatedly. ‘We should find someone to clean that up....and, yep, never talk about this...yep, good.’ Then he started to sing nervously under his breath. ‘I’m just a poor Muggle boy, nobody loves me.’

‘What?’

‘Nothing! Just composing a little song....Let’s go.’

Artemis had decided to be considerate. If Oliver didn’t want to confess to possessing magic that was fine by him. It would be their little secret. 

But it wouldn’t stop him from investigating.

[miserelysia]

“I Watched the Artemis Fowl Movie and It Made Me Very Upset” Liveblog!

So I decided I had to subject myself to this movie despite being Extremely Aware that it’s a massive pile of firey garbage. It was about as painful as expected, so I liveblogged to keep my sanity. Here’s basically what happened in my head while I was watching:

Josh Diggums: I feel so bad for Josh Gad's voice because it's painfully obvious they just didn't want Olaf showing up so they forced him into some terrible Bale-Batman voice that keeps cracking

why is this movie taking itself so seriously

Book Artemis: eternally unathletic dweeb

Movie Artemis: SURFING MASTER

the fuck, Branagh

THIS VOICE IS SO DAMN BAD, JOSH PLEASE STOP TALKING

okay Artemis is appropriately a little shit for EXACTLY ONE SCENE

FUCK OFF WITH FRIDGING THE MOM, BRANAGH

"ur mom's dead and ur dad's gone so ur a little shit" WHAT A GREAT COUNSELOR

fuck's sake

Book Artemis: immediately falls off whatever this hover thing is

COLIN FARRELL. SEXY MAN.

I ALMOST FORGIVE THEM FOR BRINGING HIM BACK EARLY

AND..... KNOWING ABOUT MAGIC

SDJFKSDF

WHATEVER

I WAS PREPARED FOR THIS

this voice is still terrible, Josh. I'm sorry

this kid is a pretty good actor

"all i really want is to believe in you" that was actually well-delivered

"Arty"

<sobbing>

OKAY IT'S NOT ACCORDING TO THE BOOK BUT FUCK ME THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS WELL DONE

i desperately need Butler to show up soon tho

I SPOKE TOO SOON

"DOMOVOI" ??!!?? YOU FUCKS

why

are his eyes

fucking ELECTRIC BLUE

HIS LITERAL FUKDFSUCING NAME IN THE BOOKS IS 'BUTLER' IT'S PART OF BEING AN INSANELY GOOD SECRET AGENT GUARDIAN HE'S NOT AN ACTUFL FUCKING BUTLER AND LITERALLY NO ONE EVER CALLS HIM "THE BUTLER" BUT HIS NAME IS BUTLER BECAUSE HIS REAL NAME IS SECRET HE'S FUCKING SECURITY FUCKING DID YOU READ THIS FUCKING BOOK SERIES AT ALL BRANAGH OR DID YOU JUSTDSJFKLDSHFSD:LFSEFAGH

i'm sorry

Butler is my absolute favorite character of the entire damn series and they fucking

can't even get OOOONNNNNEEEEEEEEE CHARACTER CORRECT

SCREAMS

did they think calling him "Butler" would be weird because they cast a black guy?????

AGAIN WHY WITH THE FUCKING ELECTRIC BLUE CONTACTS THEY'RE SO OBVIOUSLY FAKE IT LOOKS SO BAD. IF YOU MAKE THE DECISION TO CAST AN AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN JUST FUCKING OWN THAT HE HAS DARK EYES DON'T DO THIS

THE "OWL STAR"???? REALLY???? WHY NOT FOWL STAR

WHY

NOT

IT'S JUST SUCH AN ARBITRARY DUMBASS CHANGE IT MAKES NO SENSE

PLEASE DID I JUST MISUNDERSTAND THE REPORTER MAN

DID THE CAPTIONS JUST MISUNDERSTAND HIM?????

NOPE IT'S LITERALLY THE  O W L  S T A R

fuck off

i'm sorry

stuff like that just bothers me a lot

it makes ABSOLUTELY no sense to change it

Fowl Star made sense bECAUSE IT'S OWNED BY ARTEMIS FOWL

artemis has a lot more emotions than i remember him having

i will not forgive them for destroying the Butler/Artemis relationship in favor of a Dad they fucking fridge in the first half hour of the movie

oh boy nursery rhymes as codes

GROUNDBREAKING

i think the fairies would have something to say about you hiding their own shit from them, MISTER SENIOR

it's still a bad voice, Josh, I'm so sorry

okay Haven is pretty nice

"Haven" not "Haven City"

pretty sure

holly being a 13 year old girl is disconcerting

that was mentioned in a review

they're supposed to be Child-Sized not ACTUAL CHILDREN

also "small person = higher pitched voice" is such a stupid trope please stop

i like the Being diversity around the city

like lots of different types of humanoids

josh desperately wants to do the Olaf voice

i'm so sorry Josh

okay aside from the shit voice Diggums is pretty good

lol Cudgeon's already in jail

i

okay then

i know this is Opal Koboi

meh

i hate her in the books so they can fuck her up all they want

judi dench is batman too i guess

how many cigs you smoke judi root

OH BOY HOLLY HAS MISSING DADDY ISSUES TOO

fucking shit

"you're 84" and you look like a fUCKING THIRTEEN YEAR OLD

such bad choices

every time they say "Domovoi" i--

HISDFHSDHFH

JULIET

SHE'S

HIS

FUCKING

NIECE?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????

SDFJLS:DKF FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

FUCK YOU

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK YOU KENNETH BRANAGH

NO

NO

NO

NO

SHE'S

HIS

FUCKING

SISTER

HIS BABY SISTER HE LOVES AND CARES FOR EVEN MORE THAN ARTEMIS AND THAT'S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP THAN UNCLE AND NIECE

HOW COULD YOU LITERALLY DESTROY EVERYTHING ABOUT BUTLER AND STILL SLEEP AT NIGHT

<vomits into the sun>

eoin colfer i hope you made so much money off of this SHITSTACK

(genuinely tho that's literally the only consolation; now he can write more Good Books)

Juliet is cute but i know about all she does is make sandwiches

so fuck this

judi dench is Good

foaly is Okay

why's he wearing clothes tho

the chutes are a lot more... open than expected

BEECHWOOD SHORT THE TRAITOR

FUCK OFF

WHY IS HOLLY’S CHARACTER DEFINED BY HER FUCKING FATHER

THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE AN OUTCOME THAN I EVEN EXPECTED GIVEN THEY EVISCERATED HER CHARACTER'S DRIVE BY MAKING THE L.E.P. ALREADY HAVE FEMALE OFFICERS AND COMMANDERS

"get out cudgeon before i throw you out" okay they got Root completely right at least

aside from making him a her

but that's okay

because it's Judi Dench

awwwww happy flying scene bUT HOLLY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SHIELDED GOt DAMN

“any update?” "yes. i'm freezing" amazing, Butler

i mean dOmOvOi

HOLLY YOU'RE STILL NOT SHIELDED

CGI isn't too bad in this but honestly that's not impressive anymore

awwwww cute wedding scene

troll is about as ugly as possible

LOL JUST FUCKING THROW TIME FREEZE UP LIKE IT'S NOTHING

OKAY

LOL HOLLY GO DEAL WITH THE TROLL DON'T FOCUS ON ONE SMALL CHILD

THAT'S NOT HOW A TIME FREEZE WORKS

I

i mean it's COOL

i love the little Men in Green zipping around

but it doesn't make ANY sense

LOL SO WHY DO THE PEOPLE THINK THE PLACE IS TRASHED

lol gently floating troll

Hollyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Judi Root continues to be amazing

ok tbf Opal Koboi would be after the Aculos if it existed

OP MacGuffin plots are so tired tho like really Branagh

i love the wings on her suit

ARTEMIS WHEN DID YOU GET TO THE TREE

holly ur a bad 84-year-old officer

LOL CUDGEON IS RIGHT ON

AND JUDI ROOT CONTINUES TO BE

"Not Happy!" lol wat

who wrote that bit of dialogue and said "yes this a perfectly good thing to have her say when she wakes up in a cage"

"mesmerism"

boy i love these exposition dump convos between Mr. Sr. and Arty

LOL "most human beings are afraid of gluten, how do you think they'd handle goblins" is a great line

out of touch, but still funny

...why does the time freeze take forever to generate now when you did it in TWO SECONDS BEFORE

calm down holly damn

foaly's very pretty

sO DID THEY FREEZE THE *ENTIRE WORLD*????????

I THOUGHT THE POINT WAS TO FREEZE THINGS INSIDE SO YOU HAVE MOONLIGHT LONGER

AND

AND

whatever

i love this fucking ARMY coming out of literally everywhere

"TOP OF THE MORNIN'" OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS

whole movie is worth it

for that line

i love that they're entirely in green

and no one ever Shields

ever

they mentioned Shields once but NO ONE IS SHIELDED

BUTLER WOULD NEVER LET ARTEMIS INTO A FIGHT

SCREAMS

"TAKE THE SHOT"

WHY IS THE TIME FREEZE SO EASILY DESTABILIZED

FOALY

ARE YOU TELLING ME NO ONE HAS EVER SHOT YOUR FUCKING ENORMOUS DEVICE

omg no U GAVE OPAL KOBOI LEGITIMATE REASONS FOR DOING WHAT SHE'S DOING

YOU GAVE HER A SAD FRUSTRATING BACKSTORY

SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE AN ARROGANT SELF-SERVING BITCH AND NOTHING ELSE

TWENTY SEVEN MINUTES??????

hOW DID ARTEMIS KNOW ABOUT MULCH DIGGUMS SPECIFICALLY

lol that is 100% a completely inhumane prison what the fuck, fairies

why does Holly have human music

well i'm glad we didn't have to watch mulch almost eat a dude's head

"My father was kidnapped."

"My father is dead."

"Can I trust you?"

"You'll have to."

BUT WHY

WHAT IS THIS DIALOGUE

WHAT IS THIS CHARACTER PROGRESSION

THERE's NO REASON TO TRUST HER

OR TO NEED TO TRUST HER

THIS IS COMPLETELY UNEARNED AND STUPID

glad holly's entire character REVOLVES AROUND A MAN NOW, BRANAGH

LOL THEY JUST DIDN'T GIVE ROOT A FIRST NAME???

JUDI ROOT CONFIRMED

"listen to us, grunting at each other like a pair of hippos with a throat infection" LMAO

i hope that was Josh Gad improv

LOL HE JUST FUCKING DESTROYS EVERYTHING IN HIS WAY WHILE TUNNELING

YOU DIDN'T EVEN REALLY TUNNEL IN, MULCH

HOW DID YOU COME OUT OF A PAINTING

DO THEY HAVE PAINTINGS IN A BASEMENT???

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SHEETROCK OR WHATEVER

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO EASY TO JUST

UGH

FOLLOW THE BOOK

COME ON

MULCH YOU ARE THE WORST BURGLAR

"what would your parents be" THEY'D BE CENTAURS MULCH

is... is Mulch on the second floor

HE TUNNELED THROUGH THE WALL ONTO THE SECOND FLOOR

artemis... just.. lets holly out

ok cool

LOL HIS NOSE HAIRS GROW AND MOVE LIKE TENTACLES

stupid and... funny? i guess

at least Cudgeon is the piece of shit he is in the book lol

oh boy troll time

BUTER WOULD NEVER LET MULCH DIGGUMS PICKPOCKET HIM

"jam all magic" OMFG THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE

BUTLER WOULD NEVER LET ARTEMIS FACE DOWN A FUCKING TROLL

LOL THEY JUST FIRE THE TROLL LIKE A BULLET

A TROLL-ET

DOMOVOI YOU ARE COMPLETELY USELESS WHAT THE FUCK

i wonder if kids even like this movie

omg butler couldn't even jump

i

i don't understand

he literally DOESN'T HELP AT ALL

IT'S HIS WHOLE THING

IS BEING ABLE TO KICK ASS

FUCKING COME ON BRANAGH

yeah fuck you branagh

are... are the fairies just DYING TO THE TIME FREEZE COLLAPSE???

"goodbye my friend. i'm sorry i was FUCKING USELESS"

branagh you're trying to activate my feelings with this Sad Death Scene(TM) but i am IMPERVIOUS because artemis has had NO RELATIONSHIP WHATSOEVER WITH THIS """DOMOVOI"""

COOL HE'S BACK NOW I’M SO GLAD ACTUAL FULL ON DEATH HAS ZERO CONSEQUENCES NOW THANKS TO OP FAIRY MAGIC

WHAT GREAT WRITING THIS IS

"i didn't cry did i" FUCK OFF

WHY IS IT SO DANGEROUS WHEN THE TIME FREEZE ENDS

WHY IS YOUR TECH SO SHITTY, FOALY

TIME FREEZES AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE DANGEROUS TO THE OCCUPANTS

THAT GOES AGAINST ALL OF FAIRY RULES

...okay and then it just ends..........?

Domovoi: "you have to try!"

Artemis: "i can't, tho"

Domovoi: "it's too dangerous!"

WHAT IS THIS DIALOGUE

WHO WROTE THIS ABSOLUTE DRIVEL

"the aculos for my father"

THE L.E.P. DOESN'T EVEN HAVE YOUR FATHER YOU ABSOLUTE DOOF

holly how do u know how to do this

the... the aculos is just the fucking Book?

i feel slapped in the face

she just recites the words and. and.

whatever

whatever

i'm done

GO FIND YOUR DAD WHO'S MAGICALLY BACK

WHY WOULD HE BE IN THE BED ARTEMIS

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A GENIUS

this girl who plays Holly cannot act

i'm sorry girl

MAGICALLY BACK DAD

HOORAY HOLLY'S CHARACTER CONTINUES TO BE DEFINED BY HER FATHER

FUCK

YOU

WRITERS

AND BRANAGH

BUTLER WOULD NEVER CRY, DOMOVOI

i like the cool earpiece they gave Judi Root to maybe? disguise her hearing aid?

Haven does look pretty cool

too much water above tho it’s not Atlantis guys come on

"i'm a criminal mastermind" LITERALLY WHEN DID YOU SHOW ANY SORT OF MASTERMIND BEHAVIOR OR CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR

BESIDES BRIEFLY KIDNAPPING HOLLY AND THEN IMMEDIATELY LETTING HER OUT

LMAO THAT LAST SHOT OF JULIET JUST LOOKING EXCITEDLY OUT OF THE WINDOW AT THE HELICOPTER WHILE EVERYONE LEAVES HER BEHIND

WHAT'S THE POINT OF THAT EVEN

THIS POOR GIRL YOU’RE JUST LEAVING HER ALONE

WOW THIS PRISON/INTERROGATION PLACE HAS LIKE

NO SECURITY

HI HOLLY WHY ARE YOU HERE??????

THIS WHOLE ENDING IS JUST THE STUPID CAP ON TOP OF A STUPID SUNDAE

i need to go listen to the books again now

[birbleafs]

[fic] Strange Creatures

Series: Artemis Fowl Rating: G Genre: Friendship & Humour, Post-series Character(s): Beckett Fowl, Myles Fowl, Mulch Diggums, Juliet Butler, Holly Short and Artemis Fowl II Summary: Mulch Diggums finds himself abruptly enlisted by the Fowl twins, Myles and Beckett, to create the best Eldest Brother’s Day gift for Artemis, much to Holly and Juliet’s amusement. A/N: Here’s my full piece for the Artemis Fowl Fanzine: A Fowl Mood! It was really fun to be part of this project - many thanks to the mods & fellow contributors for all their hard work. Thanks also to my bro Digi for being a wonderful beta ♥  There are still some leftover merch for sale if anyone’s interested. This fic is set a few years after The Last Guardian, without taking into account the events in The Fowl Twins (as I’d finished writing it last July). Fic can also be read on AO3. _______

“What strange creatures brothers are!” -Jane Austen- ~.*.~ Mulch Diggums was once again on the run and back to his old habits of skulking among dastardly rich Mud Men, pilfering trinkets and valuables from their homes. And once again, word of his not-quite-earnest—or legal, for that matter—endeavours soon reached the LEP’s ears. In fact, his current whereabouts had turned up as a flashing blip on Foaly’s screens when the centaur had been running one of his routine surveillance sweeps of the surface. That, however, is another story altogether, one that Foaly would happily indulge in if you let him. But Captain Holly Short is a busy elf—short on time and even shorter with patience. So alas, Foaly’s tale would have to be shelved. For now, at least.

So it was that Mulch found himself abruptly cornered by an LEP Retrieval squad in his own home—well, he was house-sitting at the moment, but hey, same difference—just as he was settling into a nice, warm mud bath. That’s the thing about the LEP. Always with the atrociously bad timing, never an ounce of tact. So much for being role models, upstanding fairies of the People. The last thing Mulch saw and heard was a deafening blast as the bathroom door burst wide open, and the zipping sound of a fabric-like netting whirling tight around him. There was a flurry of movement as he struggled in the velvet darkness enclosing him, before he found himself promptly hauled back to Haven City and into the dimly-lit interior of a drab holding room, sitting once again before Captain Short. “Holly! Mon chéri… Compadre!” Mulch cooed, tuning his natural dwarfish charm up a notch. “How’s my favourite elfin lady today?” “Cut the chatter, Mulch. I’m sure you know exactly why you’ve been detained.” Truthfully, Holly didn’t have any hard evidence for Mulch’s arrest this time—not yet, at least. But Mulch had hardly ever been innocent, even when he wasn’t actively committing a crime, so it wasn’t too difficult for her to pretend the LEP knew of his most recent of illegal endeavours (which they didn’t). Besides, she’d lost a stupid bet during a party several weekends ago, and—well. You reap what you sow. Holly made a mental note to never take another sip of a certain centaur’s home concoction of sim-alcohol, recreational study or not. Anyway, back to the plot: She had lost a bet and now she had to pull this dumb prank on Mulch in return for a favour for a certain Mud Boy’s family. Holly could almost hear said Mud Boy’s tired sigh of disapproval upon hearing of his friends’ latest shenanigans. Still, she’d also promised Artemis she would visit the twins soon and she figured this was a nifty way to kill two birds with one stone. Technically, it would be two Fowls and a dwarf. Holly chuckled at her own joke, certain that Artemis wouldn’t have appreciated that quip at all, figurative murder or not. Before Mulch had a chance to explain his innocence this time, Holly began listing down the years he’d have to serve, the cell block they had carefully picked out for him this time, the terribly cold draft they had made sure would pass into said cell every night. And just as Mulch was about to get suspicious, Holly shifted gears and offered a compromise instead. Even though he was still confused and rightfully wary of the sudden turn of events, Mulch tentatively accepted Holly’s deal. And soon, he found himself whisked away on a shuttle topside, piloted by the Captain herself. “So where are we headed?” Mulch asked once he’d settled comfortably into his seat. “Now that it’s just you and me, Captain… I’m allowed to be privy to the details of said ‘deal’, right?” Holly was tempted to reveal the truth then, but she figured it’d be funnier if she let the dwarf discover it for himself. Mulch was a crafty one, after all—it wouldn’t take him too long to realise what was really going on. She only gave him a knowing smirk and murmured ominously, “All things in good time, Mulch.” * From the E1 shuttle port at Tara, it was a quick jaunt to the Fowl Manor. Holly could already hear the voices of the twins drifting over the wind as they made their way past the last cluster of Artemis’ fairy roses and to where the twins and their nanny Juliet Butler were seated by the fountain in the courtyard. Seven-year-old Beckett Fowl was the first to glance their way; Holly could’ve sworn the child had canine-like senses, what with the way he had whirled around at their near-silent approach. He was the very picture of innocence as he bounced up to them, his radiant curls and bright-eyed stare reminiscent of an eager golden retriever puppy. “Holly’s here! And S’Mulch Dinggus!” Beckett squealed happily as he launched himself at her. Holly embraced him warmly, before waving a greeting to Juliet who stood patiently behind the boy. The dwarf tutted, unimpressed at the butchering of his name. “We’ve been through this the last time, little Mudskipper. It’s Mulch Diggums.” “That’s what I said,” Beckett giggled, turning back to look at Juliet. “S’Mulch Dinggus. Funny he can’t remember his own name.” Before Mulch could get a protest in edgewise, he was interrupted by a small, polite cough. He turned and saw a bespectacled, raven-haired Mud Child appearing by Beckett’s side. Myles Fowl had the same piercing blue eyes as his free-spirited twin, but unlike his twin, he was the seemingly more precocious and finicky of the two. He looked every bit the likeness of his eldest brother, Mulch noted humorously—from the meticulously pressed suit and tie to the neatly-combed dark hair. Heck, the kid had even perfected the infamous Fowl glare to an art form, crystalline and frigid as an Arctic winter. “You’re finally here as summoned, Mister Mulch,” Myles greeted solemnly. He ignored the wet, icky sounds of Beckett blowing raspberries beside him. “Took you long enough.” “Summoned?” Mulch frowned, before a thought struck him. He grinned toothily at Holly. “So that’s what this is about, eh, Captain Short? ‘Detained’, my hairy as—” “Language, Mulch,” Holly said, stepping on the dwarf’s toes all while matching his grin with a serene, innocent smile of her own. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry I had a Retrieval squad jump you back there in the house. But it’s not like you were likely to be agreeable and come quietly if you knew the Fowl twins had extended an invitation and personally requested for your…er, assistance.” “Is not invitatitions,” Beckett chirped as he chewed on a piece of purple beeswax crayon. “Arty said summons would do in the tongue of magicks, so we summons S’Mulch!” He gave a sagely nod, his mouth stained and flecked with purple now. Mulch gave Holly a look of disappointment. “Frankly, I’m hurt you think I’d even pass up the chance to humiliate my favourite Mud Boy, and what’s more, by teaming up with his own cute brethren. Okay then, little Fowl nuggets. What dwarfish advice would you need this time?” “First of all, we’re not nuggets,” Myles said coldly, just as Beckett clucked like a gleeful hen and made flapping motions with his arms. “I assure you that we are still one-hundred percent Homo sapiens, even if Beck has gotten very good at animal mimicry of late.” “I see this one’s got a great sense of humour,” Mulch observed drily. “Definitely Artemis’ brother.” “A-hem. As I was saying...” Myles scowled at the interruption, and Mulch held up a placating hand in apology. “Secondly, Beck and I, we thought it through for many weeks—Well, I did anyway. However, we weren’t able to make any significant progress in the lab even with Professor Primate’s expertise—” “Not quite sure where you’re going with this riveting story, kiddo,” Mulch muttered. “But I’m still listening, if that helps.” “—and after several failed attempts, we have conceded that we need help from someone with the right skills. Skills we do not yet possess.” Myles paused, his young face pinched with doubt. But his hesitation was fleeting, and he met both Mulch and Holly’s curious expressions with a determined gaze once more. “We want to throw Arty the best surprise Eldest Brother’s Day when he gets back,” the boy said. “So, would you please honour us, Mister Mulch, and teach us how best to make—” “Flatulence!” Beckett crowed as if on cue, punching a fist victoriously into the air. “Please, brother. Not this again.” Myles groaned. “You boys want me to teach you how to let a mighty rip?” Mulch asked, incredulous. “No, that’s not it!” Myles cried, exasperated. “Beck has gotten it all muddled! He means the fettling process used in pottery, not the crude effusion of intestinal gas!” He tugged frantically at Beckett’s sleeve, trying to stop his twin from belting out his favourite self-composed tune called A Song of Gas and Fire, to no avail. For two whole minutes, the group was forced to listen to Beckett’s high-pitched singing of “Pbbthh, pbbthh, rattle-boom! Gas and fire, gas and fire! Heave-ho, the window’s blown!” “Thanks, little Mudskipper, for that, uh, delightful performance,” said Mulch, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes once Beckett had finished his song. “I gotta say, you sure are a natural. But there’s still something I don’t really get. Why would you need my help for the surprise? Like don’t get me wrong, kiddos, I like you two enough. But what’s wrong with Holly or Juliet here, or even Butler himself? If anything, they’re better suited at picking out the mushy gifts...” He trailed off, thinking hard. “Well, I trust the Big Man’s taste for the sentimental, at least.” “Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence, Mulch,” Juliet deadpanned, with only the slightest roll of her eyes. “It’s true Butler had some good suggestions for gifts, but this is a Fowl twins initiative, so we figured we’d let the kids decide on their own. Besides, Beck had other ideas.” “My ideas the best ideas!” Beckett chanted, beaming brightly. “We decided that we want to make Arty a sculpture for Eldest Brother’s Day.” Myles supplied, glancing at Mulch once again. “We know that Mister Mulch is highly attuned to the necessities of good clay work by virtue of his biological make-up— “S’Mulch is good with muds and gas! I wanna learn how to blast clay backwards too!” “—therefore, you are best suited to teach us how to sculpt and—” “And flatulence!” Mulch tried his best, he really did, but he couldn’t hold back his laughter any longer. He didn’t know which was funnier: the thought of the twins gifting Artemis Fowl, ex-criminal virtuoso and menace of the People, a squishy caricature blob of his miniature being or Beckett performing a pompous and fartastical symphony of A Song of Gas and Fire for his dear eldest brother. Either way, he was rightfully tickled and the twins were in luck. Unbeknownst to many, Mulch had spent some time dabbling in pottery and sculpting with clay when he’d lived amongst the celebrity Mud Men; he had chalked it up as weird hobby of sorts.  “You Mud twins are hilarious,” he said, once his laughter had subsided and he’d managed to straighten himself up again. “All right, I’m sold on this crazy venture. I’ll help with the sculpting of a masterpiece for ol’ Arty-boy.” From the corner of his eye, he caught a glance of Juliet’s smug expression. Her lips were curved into a wide Cheshire grin as she tapped Holly’s shoulder expectantly. The elf only groaned, before she reached into her back pocket to fish out a single gold coin and slipped it into Juliet’s fingers. Mulch frowned at the exchange, throwing them his best hurt-puppy look. “Running a betting pool on me and for only a single gold coin? I’m affronted, ladies.” “You only wish your crooked mug is worth half a penny,” Holly shrugged. “I’m being generous because Juliet’s a friend.” “Aww, I knew you were a big old softie inside!” Juliet sighed happily, reaching forward to teasingly pinch the side of Mulch’s face. “Now that that’s settled, someone can finally knead clay with the kids and get some work done before Artemis gets home from his conference this weekend.” She quickly stepped away, disappearing into the nearby garage for several minutes before she returned carrying a craft box packed with an assortment of smaller items inside. “These rascals had me running to art stores all over Dublin the past two weeks looking for all kinds of overpriced play-dohs, and yet hardly asked if I could help them to sculpt!” She grumbled, not quite unkindly, as she shook the items out from the box, laying them out on a patch of grass before them. Holly looked over at Juliet in surprise. “I didn’t know you were into sculpting.” She thought of all the hours the young woman had spent whooping over her favourite wrestling matches on TV as a teen. “Never pegged you as the artistic type.” Juliet snorted. “Pfft, me? Nah, I don’t sculpt. That’s more a pretentious Artemis thing.” “Why would you expect the twins to ask you to teach them, then?” “Well, I’d like to be asked first, at least! I took the time to buy all these fancy play-dohs for them, didn’t I?” Mulch leaned forward in interest, looking over the packets of “play-dohs”. He spotted several labelled as Creative Paperclay—at least Juliet managed to get some of the good stuff. He grinned toothily as he rolled up his sleeves, feeling a spark of excitement at getting to work with clay again. “Okay then, kiddos. Let’s get cracking and moulding.” * “What’s this Eldest Brother’s Day thing you Mud Men celebrate like anyway?” Mulch asked. They’d made their way from the courtyard into the Manor basement where Artemis had set up a work space for Myles’ messier experiments and tinkering projects. The group stood now before the large experiment bench. Juliet covered the top with a large plastic mat, and turning the craft box over, shook packets of Creative Paperclay and several plastic and wooden crafting tools out on the bench. At Mulch’s question, she turned and gave him a strange look, brows furrowed. Then she let out a short laugh when she realised he was actually being serious. “Silly fairy,” she snickered, glancing over the top of Myles and Beckett’s heads before she lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper: “There’s no such thing as Eldest Brother’s Day. It’s just something the twins came up with but I’m not going to ruin it for them and tell them it isn’t actually a thing. I’m not a monster, you know.” “We know it, Juliet,” Beckett said suddenly, blinking up at her with those large blue eyes filled with mischief and daring. “But Artemis’ a simple-toon—” Myles giggled at his twin’s use of their brother’s old nickname, even as he fought to keep his expression stoic. “—and simple-toons need Eldest Brother’s Day. So we celebrate.” Beckett finished with a nod, as though he’d just gifted both his human and fairy nannies with his brand of enlightenment. “Riiiight,” Mulch said, shaking his head. He figured some things were best left unasked and unexplained, especially when dealing with incorrigibly irreverent Fowl children. He gave himself a mental pat on the back for that impromptu alliteration (it was the playwright blooming within him, he was sure of it) and turned back to the project at hand. The twins had already decided early-on the sort of sculpture they had wanted to create. After ruminating over it weeks before, Myles had settled on recreating a 5-inch figure of Jayjay the silky sifaka, the fluffy white lemur whose whimsical escapades were often included in the bedtime stories Artemis read them. Beckett, on the other hand, had chosen to fashion an honorary tribute to Artemis’ late Syrian hamster, Lady Maeve, poised upright on her hind feet in an impassioned stance, gnawing away at a two-headed wyrm. Once the twins had sketched out their preferred designs on paper, Juliet pinned the sketches up on the cork board on the wall for easy reference. Then they got to work. Mulch placed two cups of water on the bench, and proceeded to show the twins how to gauge the amount they needed for their sculptures and how to knead the clay to warm it up and make it more malleable. “It’s a bit like baking extravagant pastries,” he said as he cut a block of clay into various-sized pieces. “You roll the individual shapes out like this and then stick them together to form a whole creature. Like an animal jigsaw puzzle, so to speak.” “They aren’t edible or taste any good though, not like pastries,” Holly added quickly when she noticed Beckett staring a little too longingly at the piece he’d been kneading. She tapped his fingers away just as the boy lifted the clay to his mouth for a quick nibble. “No tasting?” Beckett asked mournfully. “No tasting.” The elf shook her head. “But I do have some special treacle and espresso power bars from Haven City. It’s much better than consuming bland clay. I’ll let you have a bite later when we finish sculpting Lady Maeve, okay?” It seemed like a good bargain, so Beckett closed his mouth and chewed at his lower lip instead, rolling his clay pieces under his palms with renewed fervour. They continued shaping their pieces. Mulch showed the twins how to score the ends of the individual pieces they’d made for the limbs with a plastic knife. Then they connected the scored ends of the limbs to the body, blending the seams and smoothing it down carefully with their fingers and dabs of water. They continued in a similar fashion for the heads, noses, ears, and tails. Once the twins were satisfied with their sculptures, Mulch carefully placed the pieces on a cool, clean shelf to gradually dry and set over the next 24-hours. When they returned later to check on their work, the twins found the dried sculptures were now off-white and grainy to touch, quite unlike the squishy beige blobs they had been pinching and moulding with their hands the day before. “And now for a good splash of colour to make your pieces really pop,” Mulch said, dumping several tubes of acrylic paints and brushes on the bench with much more flair than necessary. He had a paint brush stuck behind one of his hairy ears—it helped him feel attuned with the art connoisseur in him. “Jayjay has a mostly pure-white coat,” Myles mused as he picked out a few choice colours, “but I think a gold accent to his fur tips, ears and tails would bring out his features more.” “Gold, huh?” Mulch looked over the boy’s chosen colour scheme with approval. “Good aesthetic you got there, Mudling.” “A very Fowl aesthetic for sure.” Holly couldn’t help the quip, her eyes twinkling with mirth. Artemis would certainly appreciate the touch. “Lady Maeve wants to be purple like rain,” Beckett declared solemnly, having been uncharacteristically silent for five whole minutes. “Purple? But Beck, Lady Maeve was a golden long-haired Syrian.” Myles tilted his head towards his twin. “If you paint her fur purple, Arty might not recognize her.” Beckett’s attention, however, seemed to be two steps ahead of the conversation. He’d already dipped his brush with paint and was dabbing streaks of purple all over the hamster’s body. “The Lady requests a cloak of purple rain, so purple she shall be.” The adults could barely stifle their chuckles while Myles groaned once again in defeat. He decided it was probably for the best and turned his attention back to painting his lemur. It was nearly noon when the twins added the last dabs of paint, after which Mulch proceeded to spray a coat of clear acrylic varnish over the sculptures to preserve and seal the colours. Then, he stepped several paces back from the bench to marvel at the fruits of their labour. “We have finished at last.” Myles’ voice was soft, awe pooling in his eyes. Hesitantly, he turned to Juliet and Holly, and then glanced back at the dwarf, searching for reassurance. “What do you think, Mister Mulch? Will Artemis like it?” Mulch rubbed at his beard thoughtfully. Both sculptures looked very much like what you would expect of two seven-year-olds’ valiant attempts at artisanal clay work. “Hmm.” He clicked his tongue lightly as he paced around the work bench, reaching into his inner art critic for the right words. “Now, Myles: Despite the crooked tail, you did a fairly good job at carving the fur textures on your lemur. Plus, adding gold accents to the white fur is very innovative and makes Jayjay glow nicely under the light. A very regal and classic touch overall.” Mulch came to a dignified pause before the second sculpture, rubbing his palms together as if in deep thought. “As for Beckett’s recreation of Lady Maeve: It seems far more… robust than the original, almost challenging anatomy and even physics itself. But the bright mixes of purple and gold contrasts nicely with the green and gore of the flailing wyrm, adding a surprising dynamism to the entire piece. All in all, two very good attempts, my young apprentices.” Holly and Juliet were already sighing halfway through Mulch’s needlessly opulent commentary, but even they agreed with the dwarf’s final assessment, much to the relief and delight of Myles and Beckett Fowl. * When Artemis Fowl the Second arrived home from his two-week long conference on Wildlife and Biodiversity Conservation, he was surprised to be greeted only by an unusually silent living room, devoid of the typical sounds of playful bellowing and childish laughter. Leaving Butler to unload his luggage from the Bentley, Artemis wondered briefly at the absence of his two brothers and Juliet, their sitter, before he noticed a strange sort of rumbling noise and vibration coming from somewhere below him. Curious, he headed for the basement, moving cautiously towards the noise. It was there that he found the twins asleep and cuddled around a familiar rotund shape sprawled upon an old velvet sofa. The fairy had his head thrown back against the cushion and was snoring rather noisily. “Ah,” Artemis said, eloquent as ever. He steepled his fingers together, taking a moment to process the scene before him. “Arty…? Oh, you’re finally back.” Holly’s soft voice broke him out of his reverie. He turned to see his old friend curled up on a second sofa, blinking the sleep from her eyes. “Welcome home,” she yawned a greeting. “Juliet’s in the kitchen fixing up some snacks, I think.” “Hello, Holly. It’s good to be back among familiar faces again. It seems that I’ve missed quite a party while I was away…” Artemis trailed off when he caught sight of the strange creatures placed on Myles’ experiment bench. “They’re supposed to be a surprise for you when you returned. For Eldest Brother’s Day.” Holly explained when Artemis raised a delicate eyebrow. He lifted up one of the sculptures for a closer inspection, his forehead creased in confusion at what looked to be a purple rodent gnawing on a plump string of green linguine—Beckett’s. “Eldest Brother’s Day?” Artemis echoed. He reached for the second sculpture—Myles’ lemur—before walking over to take a seat beside Holly on the sofa. Holly stretched her arms as she sat upright. “It’s kind of a long story.” “I expect so. Do enlighten me, if you will.” “Well, let’s see...” Holly began, brushing the side of her cheek with a finger. “Once upon a time, there were a pair of twins who, Frond only knows why, admired and looked up to their chaotically unhinged older brother greatly.” Artemis gave her a slightly wounded look, pressing a hand to his chest in a show of mock offense. “I’m appalled, Holly. You of all people know I prefer calculating to chaotic. There is a method to my madness, after all.” “Ever the theatrical misunderstood genius, aren’t you?” Holly rolled her eyes, even if she couldn’t help the soft laugh that escaped her lips. She nudged his shoulder playfully with her own, a show of affection. “Myles and Beckett adore you immensely—you know that, right?” Artemis beamed, warmed by Holly’s laughter and the comfort of being close to friends and family once more. He watched his sleeping brothers, curled closely towards each other much like two peas in a pod, before he turned his gaze back to the sculptures in his hands. “I know,” he said softly, still marvelling at the twins’ recreations of Jayjay and Lady Maeve. And for the barest of moments, in the quiet that stretch comfortably between them, Artemis Fowl knew that this may only be the start of the first (of many) Eldest Brother’s Day he would experience, but it was already a very good day nonetheless. And he was content. —End—

[pri-the-writer]

Fairies and Fowls

Here’s a peak at my piece for the Fowl Mood zine, which you can find at @artemis-fowl-zine​

“I’m sorry, you want us to do what exactly?” Holly asked, much to Foaly’s apparent dismay. On the hard light screen he was projected onto, the centaur rolled his eyes and sighed before he spoke again.

“For the last time, play Dungeons and Dragons with me! It’s not that hard to understand, Holly,” Foaly explained again. Holly smirked a tad, sitting back in her special chair- Artemis had customized it to her proportions and height, so that she matched their eye level when seated, or a “toddler’s chair mixed with a salon chair” as Artemis liked to call it- then said, “No, I know, it’s just a little funny to me, is all.”

“Yes, I didn’t take you of all people to be a fan of role-playing games.” Artemis chimed in, smirking as well. On his screen, Foaly rolled his eyes before saying, “I didn’t, at first. But then my nephew got into them and then he got me into them and- look, do you want to play or not?”

The two humans and fairy, all seated around a table in one of the Fowl Manor’s parlor rooms, exchanged a look at each other to consider it. Eventually, they shrugged in unison and Holly said, “Sure, I guess it can’t hurt.”

“Excellent! Now let me explain the rules,” Foaly said, before going off on a tangent about the rules and guidelines for the game that even puzzled Artemis somewhat, before asking, “Got it?”

They all nodded, two lying and another stretching the truth. Nevertheless, Foaly continued on, unfazed. For this impromptu game, Foaly had Holly bring in several items, including a hard light table, television screen, and tablets for the three of them that would hold the info for their characters. “Now, I have here several options for characters, but I’m going to start with the ones I think you’ll like best. Artemis, I was thinking you could be a rogue, for obvious reasons, but they require a certain amount of dexterity you lack. So then I thought, what about a bard?” Foaly suggested, prompting a smirk from Butler and a snicker from Holly.

“A bard? As in someone who sings and performs? Why exactly does that fit me?” Artemis asked, confused. Foaly huffed, then explained, “Bards sometimes sing, yes, but they also can read poetry or play instruments alone. They also have a spell called Vicious Mockery where you can do damage with words alone.”

“... That does appeal to me.” Artemis admitted.

“Now, Holly, I thought you might be a good fit for a ranger or druid. A ranger is a rogue who works on the edges of nature, protecting people from harm while using the forces of nature to their benefit. A druid is someone who communes with nature and casts spells with the will of the forest.” Foaly explained. Holly considered for a moment, then said, “I think the ranger one sounds interesting. Kinda similar to what I do with LEP and all.”

“Right! And Butler, you seemed a good fit for a paladin, a Holy warrior dedicated to a sacred oath.” Foaly explained. Butler raised an eyebrow and asked simply, “A Holy warrior?”

“Focus on the dedicated to an oath part. That seems like you, doesn’t it? Plus, there’s a sort of romantic air to paladins.” Foaly added quickly. Butler hummed quietly, then nodded. On his screen, Foaly clapped his hands together and exclaimed, “Excellent! Now, I’ve already made your character sheets for you, so that will be all set.”

He sent the character sheets to the trio’s tablets, revealing Artemis was a human bard, Holly was an elven ranger, and Butler was a goliath paladin. After typing some commands into his computer, the hard light table came to life, creating a miniature landscape for the adventurers to roam in. It seemed Foaly had already made little versions of their characters for the board as well, evident from the three individuals on the board who looked like them.

One was a human male, dressed in a fine shirt and pants, along with a black velvet vest adorned with silver buttons. He carried nothing else save a book, which was- according to Artemis’s character sheet- a book of poems. Another was a female elf, dressed in hunting clothes and a long cloak draped around her shoulders. She carried a bow and quiver of arrows with her, along with twin daggers. The final character was a gargantuan Goliath male, dressed in fine armor and wielding a sword and a shield bearing the symbol of the Fowl family.

“Foaly, I love you but you are such a nerd,” Holly said with a chuckle as she looked over everything. Foaly snorted and said, “If being passionate and prepared makes me a nerd, then d’arvit I’m a nerd.”

“Alright, alright. So how do we start?” Holly asked with a grin. 

Foaly nodded, satisfied, and said, “Easy. I give you a quest. You three are adventurers and for whatever reason you choose, are out searching for a noble quest. Soon enough in your journey you find a small village and seek out the local tavern to try and find some news of a possible job. As you enter the tavern, which is called Haven’s Rest, you notice that it is surprisingly empty. Normally taverns at least have one or two patrons milling about, so to see it completely empty like this is a bit odd.

“Nevertheless, you head in and see there is a notice board pinned to the right wall of the tavern. At the counter, there is the sole person inside besides you three, a pretty blonde half-elf wiping down the bar. What do you do?” Foaly asked the three of them, looking up from his tablet expectantly. Artemis thought it over for a moment, then said, “I suppose I’ll check the notice board.”

“I’ll join him.” Butler added. Holly shrugged a bit and said, “I guess while they’re looking at that I’ll get us some drinks? Or at least ask the barmaid what’s going on in town.”

“Alright, Artemis, Butler, you two head over to the notice board. You see some normal things like an advertisement to help thatch a roof, a sheepherding job out in the meadows, and a job offer to work at the general store, but the sign that catches your eyes first reads Help! Mayor kidnapped by a dragon! 10,000 gold to anyone who can rescue him. Holly, you walk up to the bar and startle the woman standing behind it, who quickly composes herself and says-” Foaly cleared his voice, then said in a bad impression of a feminine voice, “Oh, hello! Sorry, I didn’t see you there. Wasn’t really expecting customers today- what can I get you?”

After struggling not to die laughing at Foaly’s voice for the woman, Holly replied, “I- I was hoping to get a few mugs of whatever’s good for my friends and I.”

“The woman smiles sadly at you before saying, I’m so sorry, we don’t really have anything except this awful old ale. That terrible dragon smashed the rest of our supplies last week.” Foaly narrated to Holly.

“A dragon? Like the one that stole your mayor?” Holly asked, earning a glare from Foaly.

“Holly, you don’t know about that yet. Only Artemis and Butler have read the poster.” Foaly corrected her. Artemis smirked a bit, and then said, “Oh barmaid, this dragon you speak of- is it  the same one that kidnapped your mayor?”

Foaly huffed and rolled his eyes, then said in his female impression, “Yes, it is. The fearsome beast flew into town last week, wreaked havoc and ate the cattle. Our brave mayor tried to make her leave, but she just snatched him up and flew off to his cave. We haven’t anyone strong or brave enough to go after them, so we put up notices and sent word to the capital. Oh, I fear the dear man is already dead!”

“Where is the dragon’s cave?” Butler inquired simply.

“Why, it’s at the peak of the mountains just north of here. You folk wouldn’t happen to want to go there, would you? I’d advise you to take an army if you do. The beast is quite terrible and monstrous.”

“I tell her we can handle it, then leave.” Butler told Foaly, who laughed at the human and replied, “Alright then. Do you two follow him?”

“I think I would like to get some information on the dragon. How large is she? Does she breathe fire? Do they know of any weaknesses she may have?” Artemis listed off. Holly shrugged and said, “I think I’ll head out with Butler.” 

“Alright then, Holly and Butler head outside of the bar and Artemis, you join them after getting some information from the barkeep. What do you all do now?” Foaly asked with a grin, obviously pleased with this turn of events.

“I suppose the best thing to do would be to purchase any supplies we might need for the trip. Is there a store in town?” Butler asked Foaly, ever focused on the mission at hand. Foaly nodded in response and answered, “Yes, there is. Across from the tavern is the general store, inside you find all manners of goods and supplies to aid you. Two elves run the store, a younger one who seems a tad nervous and an older one who seems very serious. He looks up at you from his place behind the counter and says, Welcome to Kelp’s General Store, how may I help you?” Foaly said this in an impression of Trouble- no matter how bad it was, Holly could recognize it- and Holly bust out laughing at the silly voice. Oh, Trouble would kill Foaly if he heard this. Butler merely rolled his eyes with a smirk before he said, “We need supplies for a trip up the mountain.” “We’re going to kill the dragon and save the mayor.” Holly added after her laughter died down. Foaly replied with his Trouble impression, “Really? Well then, you can have a discount. We need that damn thing dead.” Foaly pinched his nose, switching to a nasal voice, “Yeah! It ate Mommy’s cow!” Then he barked in Trouble’s voice, “Oh shut it, Grub.” “Holy Frond, this is hilarious.” Holly chuckled, grinning at the centaur.

[tiniechankai]

my favourite sailor moon season 1 episodes

since i’m rewatching the sailor moon series (again...) i thought i would rank all my favourite episodes from each season then compile them all together and see which episode is my absolute favourite of the entire show. considering i have no idea what my favourite episode is... maybe i’ll know now, hah. 

Episode 8 - The Girl Genius Is a Monster: The Brainwashing Cram School of Horror

so uh... as a stressed student i can relate to this a lot. the kids going into the cram school is me going into school every morning. this is definitely not my favourite episode of the season but the introduction to ami is really sweet, especially when people whisper about ami behind her back but then when usagi actually meets her, ami ends up being the sweetest girl. 

i also just love the fact that ami freaking owned everyone in that arcade on the sailor v game?? like wow feminism right there

Episode 10 - The Cursed Bus: Enter Mars, the Guardian of Fire

mars is my favourite inner senshi and she’s honestly so cool in this episode. this is probably the only episode in the entire series where she’s quite akin to her manga self, and while i love her in the anime, i think her aloof manga self is great too. it’s interesting to me to get a look into japanese culture through shinto. watching this as a kid i had no idea what was really japanese religion and such so learning about this was cool (i had like 4 sailor moon episodes and they were all the introductory episodes to the senshi). also the bus was really freaky and scary and just what the heck. rei’s reaction to jadeite is also quite funny (she basically has heart palpitations of him, and not the good kind)

Episode 17 - Usagi's a Model: The Flash of the Monster Camera

one of the few episodes that aren’t the finale that i can tell you that usagi kicks some legitimate ass in here. like what a badass! i can’t say i know the last time usagi has done this, hah. this entire episode includes everyone telling usagi she can’t be a model because she’s not a good enough person or she’s not pretty enough. i mean even mamoru is back being the asshole he is in this first season, even though he goes on about how she won’t be picked because she’s not pretty on the inside and what not (like wth dude you don’t even know her) but usagi is picked anyways (like everyone who signed up but... whatever) and then she is left alone to fight the youma and then she is to fight the monster by herself. she does so by cleverly using the mirrors. one of the saddest bits in the show is when he family is watching the tv while usagi is asleep in her room they talk about how they wish usagi was as great as the girl who saved the photographer’s life (sailor moon) but ?? do they not care about the factt that usagi was AT THAT PHOTOSHOOT?? GETTING ATTCKED?? i know they don’t know she’s sailor moon but heck she was there she might’ve been attacked. the tsukino household can be so annoying sometimes hfksdh i digress

Episode 20 - The Summer, the Beach, Youth and Ghosts

this is a genuinely hilarious episode. poor mitsuishi kotono, she spent most of the episode screaming at the ghosts lmao. i like this episode because we see the girls get up to their usual loud shenanigans (and hell i love me a beach episode). this is also a episode about a heavy topic of a girls’ father forcing herself into a duty she is too young to deal with. it gets pretty dark too and i can see why they didn’t put this into the dic dub (she literally starts CRYING and i get these sort of like... really bad rape vibes. I KNOW HE’S HER FATHER BUT IT’S SO GROSS). anyways, it’s really dark but has it’s funny moments as we focus on some other characters, it’s a really good beach ova. 

Episode 21 - Protect the Children's Dreams: Friendship Through Anime

this episode is so great, i really do love it. it might might be my favourite in the season. i just love these two friends a lot, especially hiromi as a character (the shorthaired one). hiromi deals with being jealous over her friend’s sketches in animating and it gets so bad that nephrite has to come by with his stupid self and ruin everything. anyone with low self esteem such as hiromi can relate to constantly feeling like you’re in the shadow of your colleagues, your best friend. nephrite’s episodes tend to be my favourite because we see that our actions, when we are selfish and snobby that it affects others a lot. even though i despise nephrite his episodes have become a favourite of mine. 

Episode 28 - The Painting of Love: Usagi and Mamoru Get Closer

one of the few episodes where mamoru isn’t a complete ass to usagi (i think?) and he’s actually kinda ... civil with her. he still treats her like a child but i mean she acts like one so... i like this episode a lot because you can really see the difference in usagi and mamoru with the help of this really cute artist lady yumemi. i also think it’s really funny how usagi even meets yumemi is because she’s going to call out mamoru for cheating on rei lmao. this episode is really nice just because it starts more heavily foreshadowing about mamoru and usagi’s backseat relationship.

Episode 31 - Love and Chased: Luna's Worst Day Ever

if you don’t like this episode then there’s GOT to be something wrong with you. this episode is pure crackhead goodness while we get a spoof of sailor moon’s own show with loveable luna and righteous rhett butler, luna’s love interest before we even knew artemis’ name. this episode is just pure gold and this might be my second favourite episode of the season, not gonna lie. when i saw the cat bone instead of tuxedo mask’s rose, i remember laughing so hard i couldn’t breathe. i love this show.

Episode 37 - Let's Become a Princess: Usagi's Bizarre Training

being princess hard. not my favourite episode for any particular reason other than it’s REALLY enjoyable to watch. i also just love how usagi sucks at literally everything i suck at and she is just so relateable in this episode. i also love how she’s not the only one who sucks at ballroom dancing, minako can’t dance and rei is too much of a dom to let the other guy lead. feminism!

Episode 38 - The Snow, the Mountains, Friendship and Monsters

this episode marks one of my favourites because it begins rei’s total understanding of usagi’s relationship with mamoru and this continues from this episode until SAILOR STARS (yes i know she was kinda understanding of usagi in episode 35 but she also slapped usagi so...) but this episode is full of clumsy usagi goodness and the great friendship of usagi and rei. 

Episode 43 - Usagi Abandoned: The Falling-Out of the Sailor Guardians

i love these sorts of episodes, and just like the previous one, we get even MORE usarei friendship moments and i’m LIVING for it. even the senshi think mars actually hates usagi but noooppppe she’s actually her bestie. this is a great episode.

Episode 44 - Usagi's Awakening: A Message from the Distant Past

ok so i don’t really like mamoru and usagi BUT i like serenity and endymion. this backstory episode is GREAT and i wish i had a short show based around fun at the moon kingdom because that would be great? i love sailor moon don’t get me wrong but i don’t like mamoru and usagi. cough. this episode gives off a more ethereal quality and is sucha beautiful episode animation wise. 

Episode 46 - Usagi's Eternal Wish: A Brand New Life

while the last episode was HEARTWRENCHINGLY SAD i can’t get over how sad this episode is. not even mentioning how awesome it is when the beginning of moonlight densetsu comes on when usagi pull out her moon wand. this episode rips me apart because while i dislike usagi and mamoru this dialogue just makes me so sad “Live a normal life. Find a cool boyfriend.” “Nobody’s cooler than you.” AND I CRIED. nobody’s cooler than you, the asshole who called me fat, stupid, and ugly for 30 episodes. but whatever, i’m still sad. and then usagi’s monologue at the ending (i’m not a big fan of kae araki as usagi but i still... love the monologue so much) and just wow. what a great ending. 

this was more episodes then i expected

[camsthisky]

Can you rec any stories?

Oh boy. You better strap in, because I have read a lot of fics. Most of these will probably be Dick Grayson centric, though, so just a fair warning. I’ve seen a couple people format fic recs like this, and I really like it. I hope it’s organized enough!

Of course, you can always go through my fic recs tag, too!

The Bonds that Tie by DawnsEternalLight Words: 59,507 (between 2 fics)Summary: A series exploring the Batfamily growing closer together.My Comments: Absolutely amazing and heart wrenching. The first fic in thisseries is finished, which is a lot more about Dick and Damian’s relationship,but the second is still ongoing, which is more about Jason and Tim. It’s a wonderfulseries!

To Pass Through This Night by DawnsEternalLightWords: 4,147Summary: When Dick was captured by the Syndicate he died, for a short period of time, but he still died. It’s a fact he kept from his closest friends and family to protect them. When Damian and Tim find out he has to face not only them, but the emotions he’s buried from the event.My Comments: It’s a forever evil fic. Like, you don’t even know how much Ilove this, especially because it involves the whole family’s feelings, not justDick’s.

Even When You’re Down by DawnsEternalLightWords: 4,628Summary: Jason is expecting pizza at his door, not a very sick Dick Grayson. When he can’t figure out what’s wrong with his brother he turns to the only person he can, Bruce.My Comments: Ahhh I love sickfics so much, and this one did not disappoint!Jason and Bruce coming together to care for Dick was amazing to read! To be honest, @preciousthingsareprecious​‘s fics are all amazing, and I’ve read so many of Dawn’s works. These are just my absolute favorites!

Stubborn by audreycritter Words: 20,359 (4/4)Summary: Dick is usually the one taking care of everyone else and he’s bad at asking for help.So bad, in fact, that he never even actually asks– but Jason shows up anyway.And then Dick returns the favor. And then they both do for Tim. And it’s just going to keep going from there.It’s probably Alfred’s fault. When your butler mom calls and says, “Go check on your brother,” you don’t argue. You just do it.My Comments: The first chapter absolutely killed me. It’s a sickfic, witheach chapter focusing on a different batkid. It’s so well written, and it’s oneof my all time favorites!

The Mechanics of a Hug by incogneat-oh Words: 4,154Summary: “So,” Tim ventures. “It's… what, a cuddle pollen?” Bruce just shrugs. “Something like that.” My Comments: It’s funny, it’s angsty, the dialogue is absolutelyamazing, and I would recommend this author’s fics (all of them, really) a thousand times over. This one is just my absolute favorite that I’ve read a bajillion times.

World’s Apart by Fernandidilly_yo Words: 37,169 (3/?)Summary: Dick’s world is falling apart. With all the heroes and Batman gone, the teen thinks this is the end, that is until Dick miraculously end up in an Alternet Universe where the world is whole and there’s a family waiting for him.My Comments: This is an AU that absolutely BREAKS MY HEART. There’s so much description and it’s such an amazing story. It has a lot of potential, and besides the occasional typos/spelling errors, it’s probably one of the best I’ve ever read. I’m looking forward to more!

Locked Away by AutumnHobbit Words: 3,021Summary: anonymous asked: would you consider writing dick being asked to empty jasons locker at school after jason dies?

“Uh, Wayne residence,” he said, cringing after the fact at how hoarse his voice sounded. He scrubbed a hand over his eyes in frustration.“Um, hello. Is, um….” the female voice trailed off hesitantly. “Is Mr. Wayne available at the moment?”“I’m afraid not,” Dick said, trying harder to channel his inner Alfred. “Can I take a message?”“…Yes,” the woman said. “It’s….well, it pertains to his son, Jason.”My Comments: THIS IS SO SAD. I still love it, because it shows a side of Dick that we don’t see often. We see Dick happy around his family, angry, frantic, but never this grieving boy mourning the loss of a brother, and it’s heartbreaking. There are a lot more quality fics by this author, as well.

there is a design, an alignment by irnanWords: 584Summary: Dick’s just had brain surgery. No wonder it hurts.My Comments: This is so sweet. But, of course, Bruce can only seem to show affection to his kids when they’re hurt or unconscious.

exactly how this grace thing works by irnanWords: 22,710Summary: Dick gets de-aged. You’d think this would be a routine thing.My Comments: Honestly, this is the fic that convinced me to stay in the fandom. It’s the fic that I will always aspire to write, quality wise. It’s an amazing piece about a de-aged Dick learning to accept the family that’s suddenly thrust onto him, and his family, in turn, learn things about him that they didn’t know before. The whole fic is amazing.

Who We Were by ZiZzyWords: 105,025 (33/?)Summary: When the Graysons fell their son went to his great-uncle to be trained as a Talon. Four years later he is rescued and taken to live at Wayne Manor. But, he is not the talkative boy he once was, in fact talking at all is a bit of a problem… A series of connected oneshots about how the Batfamily is formed when the older brother is not quite who he was meant to be.The timeline of each chapter is in the A/Ns.My Comments: It’s a little hard to get used to this fic, since most of them are read like one-shots in the same AU, but this fic destroyed me. Dick is so adorable, and he’s going through so much, and Bruce is so understanding. The last couple of chapters had me in tears.

Half Lost, Half Found by takadainmateWords: 23,632 (4/5)Summary: Driven underground, Batman fights to keep Nightwing alive. There is a fight. There’s always a fight.My Comments: I always recommend this story, but it’s amazing. There’s a lot of tension between Dick and Bruce, but they have to work together in order to survive. Sadly, this fic hasn’t been updated since 2013, but it’s only the last chapter that’s missing. It’s still a great story, even without it.

Family is a Crisis by LysicalWords: 4,172Summary: In their family there’s always some sort of crisis going on.“Probably a fashion crisis,” Jason muttered. “He probably dragged us all here so he could show off some chartreuse and fuchsia monstrosity.” “You aren’t making a new costume again, are you?” Damian added, nose wrinkling. “I thought we all agreed you were staying away from colors.”My Comments: This fic is hilarious.Seriously, as much as I wish Tim was in it, too, it is the perfect sequel to the one scene at the burger joint in Batman #16.

Grade School by KagSesshloveWords: 100,098 (13 fics)Summary:Imagine that Damian goes to a regular school full time. And has to do things that normal grade-schoolers have to do. This is his life now: pretending to be a normal 10 year old at school all for the sake of the public. But, honestly, the public would rather he not.My Comments: When I first found this fic, I think I started screaming at @stepichu to read it, too, I was so excited. I think I actually read it twice in one week? Please read this entire series. It’s hilarious and serious and just plain amazing. Sometimes the characterizations are a little exaggerated, but I still love it. It totally adds to the story! And the best part is that it was just completed!

the man with guns for eyes by 8swordWords: 22,056Summary: “Don’t blame him, little D. He gave me a choice.” “He always makes it a choice,” Damian mutters. “If you’re the one who makes the decision, it’s your fault if it’s the wrong one.” (Dick comes back from the dead.)My Comments: Hm. Okay, on the one hand I really like reading this fic, because the boys are all forced to talk to each other and try to work things out. On the other hand, sometimes this fic leaves me reeling. There’s a lot to get through in one sitting, and sometimes I have to break it up.

With Friends Like These by ChimaeraKittenWords: 4141Summary: How Artemis got to know both Dick Grayson and Robin before finding out they were the same person. My Comments: This is a YJ fic, but it’s really good. Like, I didn’t know I needed Artemis getting to know Dick Grayson so badly until I read this. There are also some other really good fics by @chimaerakitten​, but this one is one that I fell in love with.

Crowded Enough by CaraLeeWords: 18,744 (15/?)Summary: An AU built off of the titular line from the pilot episodes of Young Justice. Dick Grayson comes home from the events at CADMUS to the enjoyment of his various siblings, friends, and sibling-like people. Now extended: One chapter per episode of the first season. Plus a few extras.My Comments: I love this so much. Each chapter is gold.

Save You by ArsenicInYourPuddingWords: 6538 (4/4)Summary: The three times Wally West made sure Dick Grayson lived to fight another day, and the one time he didn’t have to.My Comments: Warnings for suicidal thoughts/actions. The bromance between Dick and Wally in this is amazing, and this fic got me through some tough times. The whole thing always has my crying by the end, no matter how many times I read it.

That’s just on ao3, and it’s getting really late, so I needed to shorten this a bit. I will say that you’re welcome to look through my bookmarks on ao3 and my story favs on ff.net if you’re looking for more. There are a lot of amazing fics out there that I didn’t mention. I probably will come back to update this sooner or later.

edit because I don’t know how I forgot these:

Interval of Shadow by CaramelMacheteWords: 41,403 (15/?)Summary: Nightwing, Robin and Red Robin take on Clayface. Nightwing does not emerge unscathed.Is this the end of Nightwing’s career? How will the rest of family react? Will Dick recover, and what should he do if he can’t?My Comments: My goodness, this fic is honest to god amazing. It shows the struggle Dick goes through and how his family scrambles to be there for him. The interactions between everyone is so spot on, and if you haven’t read this, read it. And then come scream at me or @caramelmachete about it.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by anon_nom_nomWords: 3,614Summary: Prompt from yj_anon_meme:Okay, so I always thought that the reason DCAU Dick turned into such a bitter little thing was because he only ever had Batman, and sometimes Batgirl, but he never had his Titans or his Wally or anything.So I would like so see something where Robin is starting to show early warning signs of this, maybe just frustration after a really bad night on the job in Gotham with Batman, and him actually having his team there to help him deal with it.In which Robin has a bad night, discusses poetry, and gets a massage.My Comments: This is a YJ fic that shows the struggle that Dick goes through as a partner of Batman, and I find it super realistic. It’s really fluffy with a hint of light angst, and all of the characters are spot on.

Fear by tristen84Words: 18,622 (6/6)Summary: While on a stake-out together, Robin and Kid Flash have a frightening run-in with Scarecrow. Dick-Wally friendship.My Comments: Another YJ fic. If you want Wally and Dick bromance, like, this is the fic. It’s a really good story, too, and it shows just how much both Dick and Wally care for each other. It’s a good read.

I’m probably still forgetting some, but these are all amazing, too, and please check them out!

[spurisani]

The LD on AF [anon submission]

Okay, as an adult reader who grew up with Artemis Fowl books? Artemis Fowl totally stands the test of time. [Except the fifth book. I kind of want to think that was ghost-written or something. All of the books are equal quality except THAT ONE.]

It doesn’t shoehorn in romance [except the awful fifth book].

The romance that IS there is really sweet [Artemis’ parents are my OTP].

The girls are all badass while being unashamed of their feminine traits. [Juliet can and will kick your ass in heels. Holly has a crew cut but takes moisturization seriously. Neither are jokes.]

Macho-man Butler is one of the most emotional and heartfelt characters in the series, if not the heart of the entire series [the ending WILL make you cry just because of his reaction to The Bad Spoilery Thing That Happens] showing that emotions don’t make a person weak at all.

It…gets some things wrong about mental illness [like calling dissociative identity disorder “multiple personality disorder”] but you can tell Colfer is at least trying to tackle the topic with dignity and respect [treating it the same way one would treat someone with a physical illness, having the characters show appropriate concern instead of making it a joke even when a small number of funny things do happen as a result of the illness, and ending the seventh book with the protagonist seeking actual medical help rather than making the illness magically go away. The following book actually mentions it enough that I fully expected it to be foreshadowing and for Artemis to have a relapse by the end, but no, that was just the author going “He’s been helped, and he’s okay, but that doesn’t mean relapses are impossible”].

When a character does something REALLY bad, they aren’t forgiven for it. [Artemis makes a REALLY bad decision in one of the books, and the person who suffered for it NEVER FULLY FORGIVES HIM FOR IT. They stay friends, but they’ll never be as close as they once were, and that’s SO IMPORTANT.]

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I’D ALMOST GO AS FAR AS TO CALL THE SERIES HETEROBAITING.

LIKE YOU CAN TOTALLY SHIP TWO OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS IF YOU WANT TO, THERE’S PLENTY THERE TO GO ON, BUT THEY NEVER GET TOGETHER. NOT EVEN IMPLIED. THEY KISS ONE TIME IN A MOMENT OF HIGH EMOTION, BOTH TRY TO PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED, AND ONE OF THEM GOES ON TO DATE OTHER PEOPLE AFTERWARD. JUST TRY TO TELL ME THAT WOULDN’T BE QUEERBAITING IF THEY WERE CHARACTERS OF THE SAME GENDER. Seriously. There’s exactly one character I can think of that gets a love interest when he really didn’t need one, and he’s so sweet that he totally deserves a cute GF. You’re just happy for him.

I totally HC Butler as Aro/Ace and there’s plenty of reason to think that’s the case. All of the important relationships are totally platonic and very sweet.

[miniherodesktales]

Prefect Meeting (6)

[Summary: Artemis embarrasses Oliver at his prefect meeting and has to apologize before their trip to Paris.]

Terry Kelly, Year 11 student, Student President and Head Prefect, was just nine months away from graduating; he wasn’t sure if he was going to make it.

He loved his meetings, though.

‘Thank you for your time, everyone. I won’t keep you long.’

‘Hear, hear,’ someone muttered. You can guess who.

Terry visibly tensed up.

He gave a strained smile. ‘Oliver, I’m not exactly sure what Artemis is doing here. In the Prefect Lounge.’

Oliver opened his mouth to answer but Artemis got in first.

‘Don’t mind me, Terrance, I’m just waiting for Oliver.’ Artemis smiled his wolf smile. ‘Our families are joining forces for half-term; we’re going to Paris.’

‘Oooh, nice,’ said Pandy Andy. ‘Are you going visit the Louvre? There’s a big Leonardo da Vinci exhibition on.’

‘Yeah, I can’t wait!’ Oliver’s eyes shone. ‘We’re going to see the lovely Mona Lisa, of course, and his sketch books and the sculptures he wanted to create but couldn’t -’

‘If we can return to the meeting, please,’ Terry interrupted, shuffling pieces of paper with nothing on them. ‘We need to select a new Corridor Captain.’

Artemis burst out laughing. ‘A what?’

Terry coloured slightly. ‘You heard me. We all know what happened to Clarence, our last captain....He should never been in the woods alone, but they did catch the penguin in the end and sent it back to the zoo.’

‘I had no idea that Clarence was Corridor Captain,’ said Artemis. ‘I had no idea that it was even a title. I just remember Clarence shouting at everyone to stick to the right and not run,’

‘Well, now you do.’

‘Did you call him Captain Clarence? Was it a secrete alias?’

Terry glared at Oliver, as if Artemis’ facetiouness was somehow his fault.

‘You see this is exactly why I don’t normally allow non-Prefects into the Prefect Meetings. They just make fun, happens without fail. And Artemis is the worse. In fact, I’ll go as far as saying that he’s the exact opposite of what a Prefect should be.’

‘The exact opposite of a Prefect?’ Artemis raised an eyebrow. ‘That would make me a, uh, normal person.’

Oliver hid his face.

Terry jabbed a finger towards the door. ‘That’s it, you’ve gone too far, Fowl! Get out now or I’ll get Mr Sims to give you a month’s worth of detention.’

‘I’m scared, Terry, very scared. I know it doesn’t show -’

‘Artemis, please just wait somewhere else,’ Oliver pleaded. ‘We won’t be long.’

Artemis did not even try to suppress his smirk as he stood up and said, ‘Very well, I shall wait outside and leave you all to your very important meeting.’

As soon as he was gone Terry shook his head sadly. 

‘What do you see in him?’ he asked. ‘Moving on, we also need to appoint a Chair Captain.’

They all heard Artemis laughing on the other side of the door.

***

You didn’t need to be Domovoi Butler to sense the tension coming from the back of the car and deduce that something had happened between the boys...but Butler was Butler and so it was more than obvious to him.

He tried to be subtle.

‘Had a good day, lads?’

He had never used the word lad in reference to Artemis before and given the way his young employer glared at him never would again. So much for being friendly.

Oliver folded his arms so tightly they were in danger of breaking. 

‘I had a boring day as usual, thank you for asking, Butler,’ Artemis said in clipped tones. ‘And Oliver is sulking because, I think, his prefect meeting was completely comprised of dribble as usual.’

That did it.

‘I enjoyed the meeting, Butler, as I always do!’ Oliver snapped, refusing to look at Artemis. ‘Unfortunately, we had a right dic- we had an unsavory character infiltrate our meeting and insult us all for no good reason. Can you guess who that was?’

Butler, very wisely, said nothing.

‘I did not insult you!’ Artemis retorted. ‘It’s Terry who I don’t much care for. Pompous and self-important and -’

‘He made fun of Clarence, Butler, Clarence!’

Butler frowned. ‘Clarence? That’s the boy and the -’

‘Penguin,’ all three said together.

‘A nasty business, that. Did they catch it?’

‘Yes, they did, eventually. Only one man lost an eyeball so that was good.’ Oliver folded his arms again and his legs. ‘But that’s all beside the point. Your ward came along just so he could have giggle at me and my friends.’

‘I did not intend to laugh. I was caught off guard by Captain Corridor.’

Butler bit his lip.

‘Corridor captain,’ Oliver corrected. ‘It might all be funny to you, Artemis, but I don’t think there’s anything much funny about someone who I considered to be a friend insinuating that I am not normal.’

Artemis looked lost. 

Butler nodded at Artemis in the mirror, hinting that he should apologize.

Artemis cleared his throat. ‘Oliver, I am sorry. It was very wrong of me to laugh at you and the other prefects, especially as you do such valuable work to...to keep us from running in the corridors and making sure that the rows of chairs in the assembly hall are straight...and other very important things...As your friend and associate what is important to you should also be important to me.’

Oliver’s face softened. ‘Thank you, I accept your apology.’

‘And it was both insulting and inaccurate to call myself normal when we all know that I am not. You, on the other hand, even while dressed in your Sherlock Holmes outfit are perfectly normal.’

Oliver dropped his deerstalker onto the seat next to him, and ran a hand through his blonde locks.

‘Well, maybe I am little unusual,’ he said, reaching for Artemis’ hand.

He failed to take it in time before Butler blurted out, ‘I suppose it’s the magic in you.’

‘Butler!’ Artemis hissed.

‘Artemis!’ Oliver cried. ‘You blabbed to Butler?’

‘No. I -’

‘Of course, you did! How else could Butler know that I possess magical powers and healing magic and who knows what else? I can never trust you again!’

Butler cleared his throat. ‘I was referring to last week...when you were dressed as a magician and you performed all your tricks in the car....I’m still looking for the rabbit...’

Oliver went red. ‘Oh. Please ignore everything I just said. So, Paris, then?’

[AN: Thank you for reading, please beware of wild penguins roaming the woods.]

‘

[birbleafs]

AF Zine Pre-orders + Fic Preview

Hello everyone! 

I can finally share about the recent project I’ve participated in :D In a Fowl Mood: an Artemis Fowl Zine is a charity zine that features new art and fanfiction made by amazing fans like you and pre-orders are currently OPEN from now till OCT 7th ! All proceeds will go to Make-A-Wish to benefit children with cancer. Be sure to check out @artemis-fowl-zine for more pre-order details and updates. We’re all really excited to be on this project and hope you’ll consider purchasing a copy! 🌟🌟

Here’s a snippet from my fic for the zine. Enjoy! :) __________ Strange Creatures Seven-year-old Beckett Fowl was the first to glance their way; Holly could’ve sworn the child had canine-like senses, what with the way he had whirled around at their near-silent approach. He was the very picture of innocence as he bounced up to them, his radiant curls and bright-eyed stare reminiscent of an eager golden retriever puppy. “Holly’s here! And S’Mulch Dinggus!” Beckett squealed happily as he launched himself at her. Holly embraced him warmly, before waving a greeting to Juliet who stood patiently behind the boy. The dwarf tutted, unimpressed at the butchering of his name. “We’ve been through this the last time, little Mudskipper. It’s Mulch Diggums.” “That’s what I said,” Beckett giggled, turning back to look at Juliet. “S’Mulch Dinggus. Funny he can’t remember his own name.” Before Mulch could get a protest in edgewise, he was interrupted by a small, polite cough. He turned and saw a bespectacled, raven-haired Mud Child appearing by Beckett’s side. Myles Fowl had the same piercing blue eyes as his free-spirited twin, but unlike his twin, he was the seemingly more precocious and finicky of the two. He looked every bit the likeness of his eldest brother, Mulch noted humorously—from the meticulously pressed suit and tie to the neatly-combed dark hair. Heck, the kid had even perfected the infamous Fowl glare to an art form, crystalline and frigid as an Arctic winter. “You’re finally here as summoned, Mister Mulch,” Myles greeted solemnly. He ignored the wet, icky sounds of Beckett blowing raspberries beside him. “Took you long enough.” “Summoned?” Mulch frowned, before a thought struck him. He grinned toothily at Holly. “So that’s what this is about, eh, Captain Short? ‘Detained’, my hairy as—” “Language, Mulch,” Holly said, stepping on the dwarf’s toes all while matching his grin with a serene, innocent smile of her own. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry I had a Retrieval squad jump you back there in the house. But it’s not like you were likely to be agreeable and come quietly if you knew the Fowl twins had extended an invitation and personally requested for your… er, assistance.” “Is not invitatitions,” Beckett chirped as he chewed on a piece of purple beeswax crayon. “Arty said summons would do in the tongue of magicks, so we summons S’Mulch!” He gave a sagely nod, his mouth stained and flecked with purple now. Mulch gave Holly a look of disappointment. “Frankly, I’m hurt you think I’d even pass up the chance to humiliate my favourite Mud Boy, and what’s more, by teaming up with his own cute brethren. Okay then, little Fowl nuggets. What dwarfish advice would you need this time?” “First of all, we’re not nuggets,” Myles said coldly, just as Beckett clucked like a gleeful hen and made flapping motions with his arms. “I assure you that we are still one-hundred percent Homo sapiens, even if Beck has gotten very good at animal mimicry of late.” “I see this one’s got a great sense of humour,” Mulch observed drily. “Definitely Artemis’ brother.” “A-hem. As I was saying...” Myles scowled at the interruption, and Mulch held up a placating hand in apology. “Secondly, Beck and I, we thought it through for many weeks—Well, I did anyway. However, we weren’t able to make any significant progress in the lab even with Professor Primate’s expertise—” “Not quite sure where you’re going with this riveting story, kiddo,” Mulch muttered. “But I’m still listening, if that helps.” “—and after several failed attempts, we have conceded that we need help from someone with the right skills. Skills we do not yet possess.” Myles paused, his young face pinched with doubt. But his hesitation was fleeting, and he met both Mulch and Holly’s curious expressions with a determined gaze once more. “We want to throw Arty the best surprise Eldest Brother’s Day when he gets back,” the boy said. “So, would you please honour us, Mister Mulch, and teach us how best to make—” “Flatulence!” Beckett crowed as if on cue, punching a fist victoriously into the air. “Please, brother. Not this again.” Myles groaned. “You boys want me to teach you how to let a mighty rip?” Mulch asked, incredulous. “No, that’s not it!” Myles cried, exasperated. “Beck has gotten it all muddled! He means the fettling process used in pottery, not the crude effusion of intestinal gas!” He tugged frantically at Beckett’s sleeve, trying to stop his twin from belting out his favourite self-composed tune called A Song of Gas and Fire, to no avail. For two whole minutes, the group was forced to listen to Beckett’s high-pitched singing of “Pbbthh, pbbthh, rattle-boom! Gas and fire, gas and fire! Heave-ho, the window’s blown!” “Thanks, little Mudskipper, for that, uh, delightful performance,” said Mulch, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes once Beckett had finished his song. “I gotta say, you sure are a natural. But there’s still something I don’t really get. Why would you need my help for the surprise? Like don’t get me wrong, kiddos, I like you two enough. But what’s wrong with Holly or Juliet here, or even Butler himself? If anything, they’re better suited at picking out the mushy gifts...” He trailed off, thinking hard. “Well, I trust the Big Man’s taste for the sentimental, at least.” “Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence, Mulch,” Juliet deadpanned, with only the slightest roll of her eyes. “It’s true Butler had some good suggestions for gifts, but this is a Fowl twins initiative, so we figured we’d let the kids decide on their own. Besides, Beck had other ideas...” “My ideas the best ideas!” Beckett chanted, beaming brightly. “We decided that we want to make Arty a sculpture for Eldest Brother’s Day.” Myles supplied, glancing at Mulch once again. “We know that Mister Mulch is highly attuned to the necessities of good clay work by virtue of his biological make-up— “S’Mulch is good with muds and gas! I wanna learn how to blast clay backwards too!” “—therefore, you are best suited to teach us how to sculpt and—” “And flatulence!” Mulch tried his best, he really did, but he couldn’t hold back his laughter any longer. He didn’t know which was funnier: the thought of the twins gifting Artemis Fowl, ex-criminal virtuoso and menace of the People, a squishy caricature blob of his miniature being or Beckett performing a pompous and fartastical symphony of A Song of Gas and Fire for his dear eldest brother. Either way, he was rightfully tickled and the twins were in luck. Unbeknownst to many, Mulch had spent some time dabbling in pottery and sculpting with clay when he’d lived amongst the celebrity Mud Men; he had chalked it up as weird hobby of sorts. “You Mud twins are hilarious,” he said, once his laughter had subsided and he’d managed to straighten himself up again. “All right, I’m sold on this crazy venture. I’ll help with the sculpting of a masterpiece for ol’ Arty-boy.” From the corner of his eye, he caught a glance of Juliet’s smug expression. Her lips were curved into a wide Cheshire grin as she tapped Holly’s shoulder expectantly. The elf only groaned, before she reached into her back pocket to fish out a single gold coin and slipped it into Juliet’s fingers. Mulch frowned at the exchange, throwing them his best hurt-puppy look. “Running a betting pool on me and for only a single gold coin? I’m affronted, ladies.” “You only wish your crooked mug is worth half a penny,” Holly shrugged. “I’m being generous because Juliet’s a friend.” “Aww, I knew you were a big old softie inside!” Juliet sighed happily, reaching forward to teasingly pinch the side of Mulch’s face.