#it's my fault and idk how to fix it
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Maybe I stopped smiling, When I looked around. Finally realising, No one cared if I did.
#writerscreed#spilled ink#dark academia#original poem#my poetry#original poetry#short poem#writing#writers on tumblr#writeblr#a rare personal poem?!#guys im so cringe for this :/#oh well who cares#it's my party (blog) and I'll cry (vent via shitty poetry) if i want to#context for future me: (i go through my blog every now and then)#this is the bimonthly spiral of feeling underappreciated + trapped + resentful#dw i am aware these are lowkey irrational + i kinda just need to suck it up#basically - i feel like no one cares enough to know anything about my life#and instead of dealing with this in a healthy way -> i refuse to talk to my family about anything going on in my life#like i never bring it up#anyways my family are yappers -> they talk a lot and i listen#but they expect me to do the same and that's not my style ( i had brought this up a few times before)#i got so used to not telling them stuff - i am now wildly uncomfortable sharing anything more than surface level with them#i feel like i no longer have a safe space#it's my fault and idk how to fix it
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*walks in from the void*
*looks at the clock: 9pm*
...
Sup chat ✌
#fresco's chatterbox#random ik :]#wtf ive been out of my home for like the whole day?#it literally feels wasted dude#but like#idk if im fine today in general#do y'all.... ever just like question and think and suddenly are like: damn respect to all ppl that hate me they're so right for that#< btw the number of ppl that hate me is bypasses 20....so yeah...#and I had to live with those ppl#for years#basically anyone who knew me hated me.... and I'm not sure how to feel about that#i literally dunno how should I feel about that#my brain is sick of thinking why and how to fix it but the best answer i was able to come up with is jealousy#fuck like... everyone was always jealous at me#even my own sis is jealous of me even nowadays and ofc i love with her#idk how to feel about that#everyone was and is always jealous of me bcuz im better and have always been more successful#im not even trying to brag about that#but it's a fact and I accepted it and kept it to myself but.... i remember that someone betrayed me and kinda like made it obvious#i literally now realize that i lived and still live with such fucked ppl#and then they ask me why I don't trust anyone where did trust issues come from#.... im sorry sir but over 20 ppl betrayed me and it's all my fault....#never ask me why my laughter was absent for ages and why my smile is forever fake#and sorry for the vent whoever read this who's probably Blep#i don't think im really fine today ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#and im pretty sure im right that Blep read all this#.... ofc you did.....
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i have drank way too much iced coffee today and am appropriately wired about it, and now the guy who was annoying me for the past two days has now managed to screw up something for my coworker now, and i think he has made an enemy for life from me at this point
#he's the originator of the mistake i was trying to fix this week#i dont fault him for that because i think he was new at the time and it was a bizzare fluke#i DO fault him for basically making zero effort to figure it out and being clueless about it#like dude. i get you dont remember it. MAYBE CHECK YOUR RECORDS?#instead he was like 'ummmm idk lol talk to [other person instead.]' no i asked YOU because YOU did the thing!!!#now he is messing up my coworker's work by returning it to draft for. baffling reasons#'this is incorrect please fix it' sir it literally is not incorrect.#i think you just don't know how to do your job#which is concerning because you have the 'specialist' title and are supposed to know more than us lowly staffers
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hey man. i'm just saying. why would we put inexperienced teenagers with over-inflated egos and obvious emotional issues into combat classes and make them claw their way to the top of their dorms and expect things to just run smoothly. who actually thought this
#the reason rsa doesn't have overblots is because they understand the joy and whimsy of life and friendship btw#LIKE. why is there no school counselor?? do you know how much time & resources & effort & TRAUMA we could have saved the students &#school from if ANYONE had reached out to riddle and was like 'hey are you alright i heard xyz and i wanted to let you know...' ESPECIALLY#since TREY LITERALLY TELLS US 'oh well here's the lowdown on her trauma this is Probably what is causing this'#or if someone sat down to tell leona 'hey! i'm rooting for you in ur magift(?) game! you're my fav player!!' AND LET HIM FEEL NOTICED#or if someone approached azul as an Equal to try to stop his plans. as a friend even. BEYOND A BUSINESS TRANSACTION#or if ANYBODY BUT ESPECIALLY KALIM was like 'jamil i think you should follow your passions and do something you enjoy today!!' or AT LEAST#let him know he was appreciated as a person NOT JUST FOR HIS WORK#'i know you're doing a lot today but i just wanted to thank you for how much Effort you put into this and..' etc etc etc#ERM.. IF ANYONE TREATED VIL LIKE A HUMAN BEING AND NOT A CELEBRITY??? or even 'hey i loved you in this film i was wondering if we could#do a play together or something..!!' AND LET HER TRY A TYPE OF CHARACTER SHE NEVER GOT THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE. and sing her praises.#if anyone reached out to idia beyond a 'hey the teacher said to come to class'/'get out of your bed and come to our housewarden meeting'#or even. IF ORTHO HIMSELF was like. 'you know it's not your fault... you didn't cause all of this. not really' OR SOMETHING#or if malleus ever got to experience a small firsthand loss AND WAS COMFORTED THROUGH IT. not just quick fix via magic. not replacing. just#GRIEVING SOMETHING??????? and wasn't feared by literally everyone#um. maybe the real twisted part is that all of this tragedy was easily preventable if we had a support system in place.#but idk. twst is a highschool. there's no support in real high school either. i'd probably overblot too if i could ajdjrjfinfdndjd#twst#chatter#LONG RAMBLE SORRY#yes overblots are essential to the plot. but also. do you know how frustrating it is watching the blot build up and sitting in silence.#I'M SORRY IK IF SOMETHING LIKE THIS WAS HAPPENING TO A GUY I JUST MET I WOULD PROBABLY NOT NOTICE.. but of it was my Friend or Housewarden..#I'D ASK BRO.... I'D ASK ... UGHHHHHUUUHHHH#not that anyone would notice if *I* was about to lose it tbh#speaks volumes about our society o think#OKAY NOW I'M DONE FOR REAL
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lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety
#to the judge that’s gonna see this case next year and the lawyer that is representing it assuming the state idk how this all works#why has the person to say the least get to go a whole year without consequence? a known criminal who after stealing from me and being#released and again getting arrest now for gang violence or some shit she was let go? she maybe associated to the group that killed that boy#last year. and here i am panicking because im afraid to carry cash. im paranoid that imma go outside and my car will be missing. i’m get#panic attacks when i drive to close to that gym and tired going back but physically cannot get out of my car and i start to cry in the#parking lot. i’m not sitting at work shaking forcing myself not to cry because someone handed me cash and i’m afraid someone is going to#steal my purse again. you think that’s not a big deal and honestly i didn’t think it was until my purse was gone. my cards stolen and used.#my key missing EVERYTHING in my purse GONE. so many things in there plus the purse i had money and all that is stuff i paid for now im out#all that cash i’m out 500$ for a key replacement i stopped feeling safe leaving my house all my non replaceable things gone and everyone#spoke to me like it was my fault and had to stand their crying while adults told me not to use a gym locker ??? but in the same breath telli#telling me this isn’t the first time she’s done this she has a warrant for her arrest she’s known to steal cars i’m the problem and there’s#nothing they can do to help me. so while i cry because all the money i had lost and never got back i had to do ALL the work to call my bank#track where my cards were being spent at call the jpay line she transferred money to look up the person she cashapped money to call the#business she was actively spending money at ask the manger if she is currently there and if they could give the police all the receipts and#video of her there for them to act like the hero’s for my brother and i tracking her down while you all belittled me#FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER i can’t be fucking normal about STUPID mundane shit i’m stuck here shaking and crying and what you tell me later it’s#not a big deal? give me all the content of your car and wallet or purse or backpack take nothing out and see what you’re left with and how m#much you need to spend to drive your car again and to tow your car home let a stranger have all your cards and address and tell me you feel#safe#OH and for the gym to tell me they know about her she used to be an employee there she doesn’t have a membership so they don’t know how she#got in and they can’t help but she did steal from another girl that night and an employee last month and who knows how many more ppl like#that’s convenient you pos sounds like she has friends that still work at the gym and open the back door for her or just let her in that’s#crazy no ? and this is all alleged because when if i lost all these things i can’t speak on what did or didn’t happen that’s some crazy bull#shit anyways the towing company felt bad for me maybe because i hadn’t stopped crying they gave me the key replacement number and told me to#mention he referred me so i could get a discount and the layman felt back for me because when i called him i started to cry and when he told#me the price i cried harder so 500$ was the cheapest but pretty much my whole check#key man*#bad** LET ME FIX TAGS#allegedly all these ppl are privileged kids from a privileged background that grew up in a sheltered community and thing there’s no#consequences to their actions because of the lack of accountability from their parents who willing pay for people to look the other way
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Greatest of the Greeks, grieving
Let me lie down with you one last time
On our bed of firewood and oil
Let the flames of your pyre consume me
Before the inferno in my chest reduces me to ash
Cast aside the laws of the Immortals
What good have they ever brought us, my love?
Your restless soul was void of peace
And now it will never know it, will it, dove?
Your breath was my music and now
Where has it gone, my sunlight?
Your eyes would dance, I lived in them
Won't they look again at me, my flame bright?
Did he make you cry in pain
As he brought upon your end
An end meant for me, my North Star?
Had I destroyed my own world when I sent you away?
As your blood baptized the ground on which you lay
I kindled my soul as firewood for your pyre
I gave you my heart and now,
It burns with you, what do I have left now?
#i should be studying#achilles#patrochilles#patroclus#the song of achilles#original poem#poem#poems on tumblr#poems and poetry#idk what i was doing#Idk what i was thinking tbh#Just listened to a combo of songs#Lines started popping up in my head while I'm trying to learn physics#No fixed rhyme scheme#grief of achilles#basically achilles being super sad cause his tentmate died#it was totally not his fault#man must have had a valid reason for it yeah?#considering the fact that achilles wasn't there when patroclus died#the iliad#theyre soulmates your honor#lmao have fun#poetryblr#I'm using a lot of poetic licence here#Randomly written in 5 minutes#tagamemnon#idk how to tag this
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reaching the depression part of the night but im not sleepy enough to fall asleep yikes
#ditto rambles#ive been applying to jobs and jjst getting upset#at how im constantly beig set back#fuck me yknow#it is my fault but idk how to fix everything everyone else did#too i mean#siiiiighs
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feeling a split or a headmate forming and never actually getting to meet them makes me really sad. even if they end up not liking me, I'd still like to know who/what they are :/
#im talking about the last like. 4-6 that have popped up in the last while#i hate how i know it's my fault but idk how to fix it. being locked in front is. sad#and lonely#people dont come to visit often anymore#-jael#plurality#vent
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ok so we agree splatfests are rigged simply because they aren't region locked anymore right
#seriously 55% popularity???????????????#look i love Shiver and it is NOT his fault i will protect her with my life but .... yeah splatfests are really flawed it needs fixing asap#idk how the team hasn't looked and went “hey maybe splatfests aren't good”
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Great
Wake up to finding my payslip is a good £300-£400 less than usual with no explanation as to why. Same for Alfie. Sent messages to managers and waiting to hear back why but whatever happens the damage is done bc even if they have made a mistake, they won't add the extra back until next payday.
So. We're fucked. Again.
#wont be able to do a christmas dinner#fuck idek how we'll cope this month bc its like 6 weeks till next payday#alfie's full meltdown and im barely holding it together for their sake#im fucking terrified#im scared its my fault but my new rota has only jist started so that cant be it#unless the reduction in holiday pay meant i didnt get paid for the days i took last month??? bit idk why that would take effect like that#and im more scared that it doesnt matter and its already too late for us to actually fix anything
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craving a proper hug probably more than anything but not knowing anyone I'm comfortable enough with for that is a lovely combination
#imagine the usual nauseous dennis pic#mostly my fault for being uncomfortable etc but Idk how to fix it. at least not in the near future
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i dont even want a dick i just wish i was born withone so people would stop seeing me as a girl
#im making a list of things i need to do to transition and tell me why learning to fish and hunt are at the top of that list#idk guys im tired of being percieved as a trans man i wish i was just seen as a man#whats awful is i catch myself sometimes misgendering myself because i convince myself i deserve it#if i got bottom surgery would this stop.would this cruel sick joke stop#ry talks#i should go backt ophysical journaling so you guys dont have to see this#soemtimes i wish i wasnt trans. and coming from me thats crazy im number one trans enjoyer over here#would it save me this weight in my chest? i dont know#i couldnt be cis i know that even if i had a dick but maybe this would all stop#im tired of the looks when i leave the bathroom im tired of being feminized when people interact with me#im tired of being grouped with the girls#i tell myself im grouped with girsl because im gay and im just fem cause im gay and id ont know#i cant explain it correctly but i always feel like im treated like a girl even by my friends#they cant help it itsn ot their fault and its nothing obvious too that they could change.#its partially my fault cause i havent learned the correct social cues that guysdo.i dont know how to dap someone up i dont know the correct#response to “whats good man” i dont know any of this. im so new here im so lost i just want to be treated like a boy. im a boy im a boy im#im a fucking boy please#maybe a mustache would fucking fix all this#maybe i need to learn to be a boy#im so tired i wish someone could teach me the things that boys do cause i know i am one i just dont know my fucking lines
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i love my sister but i am going to start destroying shit soon
#i NEED her car to be fixed PLEASE WHY ISNT IT FIXED#IT WAS FIXED BUT THEN IT WOULDNT START APPARENTLY AND JUST. HHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGG#genuinely i dont know how much longer i can last like this#shes lucky i know she needs to be working but still. STILL.#and like. maam. she is using my car like her car and just.#idk why it annoys me so much but like. finding out she went to bingo without talking to me whatsoever.#like.#sorry. SORRY. THATS STILL NOT YOUR CAR THO. its still only being lent to you for work!!!!#also theres so much trash and i am 🙃🙃🙃#i have put in so much conscious effort to keep my car clean and its just. HHHHHHH.#and its not ger fault that the fucking mechanic is taking 200 years with her car but just. im going to go apeshit.#im genuinely just going to lose my mind and start breaking things soon.#shh ac
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wanting your mom to like you is a self imposed hell
#ramble tag#im sorry i cant fix everything. im sorry for all the world's suffering. im sorry.#hiiii im being so normal#theres. worst ways to act ig?#venting to the internet looks pretty healthy compared to. aha.#i hate the internet but if i didnt live in the digital age my body would be a mess#actually all war and suffering is my fault. sorry about that guys :( idk how to fix it#am i about to have an episode. im sayin some real dumb shit rn#i wouldnt. thatd be... Dramatic#my mom is Good im just. Messy#hey miss mother id tear my heart out and leave it on the alter if you wanted. this is normal and fine#i need therapy <3#no i dont. sort of. Its Ok Guys 👍#i want to open up my ribs and give her my organs i think thatd fix me#or gross her out but i do that normally anyhow#so sorry guys. my siblings follow my main lmao#Shiksa Goddess started playing so i think im just gonna like. laugh at that interrupting my weird tag ramble instead of like#idk. im not unpacking whatever that was. god bless 🙏
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the worst part of break is the last day when you're just drowning in stress thinking about going back. i feel literally physically nauseous
#the stupidest part is that i'm so fucking stressed mostly about my fucking FILM class#more than any of my honors courses#i haven't done enough work in it at all and i'm so embarrassed about it so i don't want to start working on it and show how little i have#done so i get even more behind#i have a film i have to make and it's only half done and now i can't fucking find it in my files cuz i'd planned on working on it this brea#but i got sick and wasted 4 days of my already stupidly short break#i have TWO whole presentations on an actor and a director and i don't CARE or know about any actors or directors#i just feel sick#i wish i could drop it or just fucking fail it but i can't#it's so so stupid#i'm never gonna be able to take another class with that teacher from the fucking shame i feel actually horrible every time i go in her clas#and the worst part is that it's literally my fault i could have just done the fucking work and i didn't#kiwifae says shit#ugh okay this made me feel better i need to just figure out my actor director presentations (which are my fucking final btw 😭)#i accept the shit grade i'm getting on the film i can fix it if i make decent presentations i'm just mad i'm doing bad and getting so#stressed over a dumbass extra class like film production like what#i still don't think i can take another class with her she's really pleasant but i just feel so so sick whenever i go in there cuz i feel so#guilty#which is a shame cuz she teaches photography which i would really like to take#maybe senior year idk i might not care anymore then#also i'm aware this isn't a normal amount of shame and anxiety just for procrastinating i just feel super bad abt this for some reason#sorry for ranting but i'm just blehhhhhhh rn#ok i'm gonna get something to eat and take a shower maybe i'll feel less like i'm dying#👍
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you don’t have to answer this ask but wow how are you supposed to be the bad guy fucking apologizing for reacting badly to being told to kill yourself?? i hate this website
well okay hold up i never said i was the bad guy. i said there were misunderstandings on both sides and that i was sorry for an issue in one part of how i handled it. just one.
#ask tag#not counting#like um. i do understand that maybe this person's sense of humor is way different then mine okay#but like. they said that they didn't mean it legitimately and once they saw it was haarmful they apologized#for me to say ''i am glad i understand your side of the story and you understand mine'' i am not saying i'm the bad guy#there's really no ''bad guy'' in this situation as i see it because the world is more nuanced then that y'know#like. sometimes people have a sense of humor that you can't pick up on. it doesn't mean you shouldn't state your point of view#and say ''that wasn't how i want people to talk to me and i also won't let you do that''#also the only part i really ''apologized'' for was that i used a term for them that was uncomfortable#i assume for gender reasons. and i understand where that comes from. if someone called me ''girl'' while arguing i wouldn't like it#whenever i said sorry after that i did my best to try and word it in a way like ''i am sorry this happened but it's not my fault''#like how when. idk. someone's grandma dies and you say ''sorry for your loss'' you're not saying that you killed their grandma#you're just saying that you feel bad that the thing happened but not that it's your fault#and yes. i do agree that the situation may have been fixed if they just said it was a joke but hindsight is 20/20 right?#anyways. that's my take on the situation.#and like. idk. if they apologized and told me how they saw it. i'm gonna believe them because i have had WAY more malicious people here#like idk. there have been anons who have said wayy worse and there's no discernable reason for why they would#like that one anon who told me that i should get my arms chopped off or something. idk. i deleted it before i could commit it to memory#and that was on purpose#but like. my point is. there's worse people. and if i focus all of my energy about being mad over a person who made one joke in bad taste#idk just seems like a waste of time#at least that's my perspective on the situation. never said i was the bad guy. just sorry it happened#also sorry it happened so late at night for me! i need an ibuprofen and a bagel now
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