#its bad enough Eddie is practically in Bucks lap

[graendoll]

Me watching the BTS version of the bachelor party: wow it's almost like they HAD to cut these scenes otherwise a whole lot of Buddie would have escaped containment.

[dangerpronebuddie]

Kiss Me Once Cause You Know I Had A Long Night 8/?

60. Mistletoe Kisses

Summary:

"What are you talking about?" Eddie sighed.

"We're talking about that." Ravi pointed above Buck's head.

Buck and Eddie looked up.

Oh no.

They somehow managed to walk right beneath the mistletoe without even realizing it.

(read below!) Muah!

For five years, Eddie had managed to avoid getting caught under the station mistletoe.

During his probie year, he happened to walk beneath a sprig with Chim. The teasing about that particular incident lasted all the way to the next Christmas. So, Eddie made a point of steering clear of the stuff.

But one morning, he and Buck were bickering about just how many presents were too many to give to Christopher; and Eddie really wasn't paying attention to his surroundings as they climbed the stairs to the loft, their shoulders brushing with every step.

"But it's educational," Buck insisted.

"Tell me how a Lego Death Star is educational," Eddie drawled.

"You said it yourself he's growing up to be an engineer," Buck grinned.

Eddie rolled his eyes as they reached the top of the stairs. "Fine, but that means we can't get-"

"Stop right where you are!"

The pair froze and looked at the source of the command. Chim sat on the couch, a shit eating grin on his face. Hen and Ravi sat on either side of him. Hen raised her eyebrows at them, biting back a smirk. Ravi simply smiled. Like he was proud, for some reason.

"Eddie, my friend, my bro, you knew it would happen eventually," Chim said, rubbing his hands together. "Your five year streak has officially ended."

"What are you talking about?" Eddie sighed.

"We're talking about that." Ravi pointed above Buck's head.

Buck and Eddie slowly looked upwards. Eddie's heart leapt into his throat.

Oh no.

They somehow managed to walk right beneath the mistletoe without even realizing it.

It wouldn't have been a problem if it was anyone else. He'd take the teasing in stride, as usual, and they'd all move on until someone else eventually got stuck beneath the parasitic greenery.

But he had to wind up under it with Buck.

Which wasn't bad.

That's why it was bad.

Eddie wanted to kiss Buck. Sometimes the want became almost too strong to ignore. Almost. The want lived in his chest constantly when he was around Buck. Sometimes, even when he wasn't.

Buck would smile, or hand Eddie exactly what he needed, or say just the right thing to get Eddie out of his own head, and the want would rise up like a phoenix from the ashes every time. But he managed to keep it back. He managed to keep the phoenix in its cage.

He had to.

If he let that want free, Buck would let him down gently, which would hurt worse than any physical injury Eddie's ever had. And then he'd distance himself from Eddie. And he'd have to explain to Chris why his Buck wasn't coming around anymore. He couldn't bear it.

But now, because the universe loved working against him, he found himself beneath the mistletoe with the love of his life.

Buck ducked his head with a bashful smile. "Sorry I'm ruining your streak," he said, looking at Eddie through his lashes.

"Oh, don't even start," Hen piped up. "You're just gonna argue til the alarm rings, thinking we'll forget about it."

Buck huffed a laugh. "Then quit interrupting, huh?" He turned to Eddie and smiled softly. "Hey," he whispered.

"Hey," Eddie replied. Buck's gaze fell to his lips. Time slowed to a hault, encircling them in a bubble. Buck cupped Eddie's cheek and slowly leaned in.

And of course, the bell rang. Groans echoed through the loft and Buck and Eddie jumped apart. They jogged downstairs and filed into the engine. Buck sat in his usual spot across from Eddie, practically in Eddie's lap. Every time Eddie looked at him, Buck would blush and smile, but he wouldn't look away. Every glance had Eddie's heart doing somersaults in his chest, like it wanted to flip out and land in Buck's palms. Eddie wouldn't object.

Calls kept them busy enough that everyone forgot about the whole thing and instead trudged straight to the bunks the minute they got back to the station.

Everyone except Eddie. He just couldn't sleep. He couldn't stop thinking about that stupid mistletoe. The soft, almost reverent way Buck cupped his cheek. The way his pupils dilated as Eddie leaned in.

Anyway.

He climbed the stairs in search of some hot cocoa and the book he and Buck had been reading on serial killers, because that would help him sleep.

He had just grabbed a mug when soft, familiar footsteps came up the stairs.

He turned and smiled softly at Buck. "Hey."

"Hey," Buck smiled, still standing near the stairs. "Uh, Eds? Can you come here a sec?"

Eddie frowned in confusion and joined him near the stairs. "What's up?"

Buck looked up. Eddie followed his gaze. The mistletoe.

Eddie looked at Buck, to find a beautiful, soft smile on his face. "We never did finish what we started."

"No, we didn't," Eddie agreed.

"Did you know people used to remove a berry after they kissed under it?" Buck asked. "When all the berries are gone, it's lost its power."

Eddie looked up again. Five berries remained on the sprig. "I don't think we're in any danger then."

"Good thing," Buck whispered. He cupped Eddie's cheek and slowly leaned in.

Eddie met him in the middle and pressed his lips to Buck's. Buck smiled into the kiss as his other hand carded through Eddie's hair. Eddie pulled him closer by his belt loops and Buck slotted their lips together.

Buck pulled away and reached up, taking a berry from the mistletoe before leaning in again.

Eddie wrapped his arms around Buck's waist, smiling into the kiss.

Buck took the second berry as Eddie kissed the hinge of his jaw. Eddie took the third after Buck kissed the tip of his nose. Buck took the fourth after Eddie kissed his palm that was still cupping his cheek. Eddie took the final berry as Buck kissed him again with a soft laugh.

Eddie maneuvered them away from the mistletoe and Buck started smiling so much it couldn't be called a kiss.

"I think we need more mistletoe," Buck said.

"I don't need that as an excuse to kiss you," Eddie said against his lips, wrapping his arms around his neck.

Eddie never tried to avoid the mistletoe again. At least, not with Buck. He did, however, make sure to let Chimney pass under it before he followed.

[roanniom]

Eddie handcuffing your hands above your head to his bed frame. Eddie kissing you and playing with your tits until you’re begging for him to touch you where you need him. Eddie playing with you through your panties until you’re soaked through and bucking your hips so desperately that he’s threatening to tie your legs down too. Eddie finally taking your panties off and admiring the way you’re practically dripping onto his sheets. Eddie eating you out until you’re begging, begging for him to let you cum. Eddie fucking you until he finishes, never letting you cum, all the while saying the dirtiest things to you. Afterwards, he would unlock the handcuffs and make you cockwarm while he occasionally fucks up into you to keep you on edge. Every once in a while he might even rub your clit and tell you what a good girl you’re being for him.

Let Me

Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

Warnings: NSFW, 18+ ONLY, unprotected sex, cockwarming, dirty talk, bit of dom/sub dynamics, teasing / mocking, cream pies (and I guessss nondescript breeding kink by extension??)

You’re shaking and whimpering with need at this point. Your lip quivers and your brows knit and your thighs tense and what does he do? Eddie flips the channel on the tv. He places a soft kiss to your neck and rests his chin on your shoulder to face the glowing screen with your back to his chest. His hard cock nestled securely inside of you.

“E-Eddie…” you whine as quietly as you can. Another kiss is pressed to your neck.

“So full, huh sweetheart?” You moan and nod and his voice is full of a crude approximation of sympathy. “Oh I know, honey, I know. It’s so much for your little cunt.”

“I just…can I…can you p-please…”

“Shhhh sweetheart, we’re doing this now. Doesn’t it feel good?“ Eddie’s hands press down on your hips and swivel you around on his cock ever so slowly. The pressure and motion cause your jaw to drop in a gasp and your head to fall back against his shoulder.

“But wanna cum.” You sound almost petulant and he laughs in response. A rich, low laugh that sends much needed vibrations through your body where you’re joined, making your eyelids flutter.

“Ohhh, you wanna cum?” Eddie asks with fake surprise. As if he hadn’t been intentionally edging you, bringing you to the precipice and yanking you back at the last moment intentionally for the longest while.

“Yes,” you gasp, squirming in his lap. Or doing your best to, seeing as his grip is both effortless and immovable.

“Not enough to feel my dick inside you, honey? This greedy cunt wants to have its cock and cum, too?”

You’d probably laugh at that if you weren’t so far gone but you’re losing it so you just nod frenetically, hands scrabbling for purchase on his thighs. Anything to give you enough leverage to start bouncing yourself on his cock.

“Lemme…let…please,” you huff in frustration. Eddie’s hands slide up from your hips to squeeze at your tits. At the added stimulation you groan, gyrate your hips as best you could. Without his hands anchoring you down, you make more progress this time and you feel extra wetness dew around his cock inside you. You receive pinches to your nipples as penance for your liberty taking.

“Aww, wanna cum so bad you’re trying to just get yourself off on my cock?” His mocking tone sets you off more and you whimper again wordlessly. One of his hands leaves your breast and slides down to the apex of your spread legs to rub at your clit. “Why would you do that when you could have me play with you?”

“Oh god. Yes. Play with me,” you beg breathlessly.

“Oh sweetheart, what do you think I’ve been doing?” You can hear the humor but you barely register the words, instead abandoning all self control and jiggling yourself restlessly so that you bounce shallowly on his cock. “Getting a little impatient. A shame - you’ve been such a good girl.”

“I…I am a good girl,” you practically sob. His lips are at your ear, shushing you.

“Shhhh I know you are, baby. Took my cum so well. Keeping it up inside you so nice and warm. Making you feel so good and stuffed, yeah?”

He’d pushed his spend back into you with his fingers after pulling out following his last orgasm. Made you jerk him back to hardness with your legs spread in front of him, watching your cum filled pussy as he praised you and grunted. He’d pushed the dripping cum back into with his cock when he couldn’t take it anymore, and he was right, you do feel so full.

Eddie’s finger on your clit hits a new rotational rhythm and you spasm in his grasp, your abdomen clenching and pussy tightening around his cock.

“Mmm pressed this little button right, huh?”

“Yes!”

“Gonna cum if I let you, sweetheart?”

“Oh god oh fuck, Eddie let me, let me please…”

Eddie placed another sweet kiss to the side of your neck before whispering.

“Alright sweetheart, let me have it.”

And you fall apart for him on the spot.

[libraryofloveletters]

prompts 8 + 9 for Buck omgggg 🥲🥲🥲

Can’t Lose Him

Evan Buckley x Reader 

Warnings: fem!reader, mentions of hospitals and injuries, minimal swearing, mentions of pregnancy and Chim’s accident, big brother!Chim

Prompts: #8: “you promised me you wouldn't be reckless! You promised me!” #9: “Does he know about the baby?” 

Category: mix of angst and fluff

Word Count: 2.4k

Author’s Note: I loved writing this so thank you for requesting! :) 

---

Pacing the room, Hen reached out for your hand. “C’mon, your feet must hurt. Sit down” you sighed, once again you were in a hospital waiting room in the middle of the night with the team and Maddie because Buck’s idiotic self got himself hurt again. 

“I’m okay Hen, thank you” you gave her a slight smile. Bobby was talking to the doctors because you couldn't bring yourself to hear what he’s done this time. Bobby returned, Athena by his side now. “Oh honey,” she pulled you into a hug, you could feel yourself melting into her arms, she sat with you and her arm wrapped around your shoulder. Bobby sat to the other side of you. 

“The doctor said that the pressure of the block cracked a rib, which then punctured a lung. He also has a mild concussion but they say it shouldn't be too bad” 

“Is he out of surgery ?” 

“He is, but he’s in recovery now. It might be a little bit before we get to see him” Bobby gives your shoulder a squeeze, you nodded.

Taking a look around the waiting room, Chim held Maddie as she slept with her head on his shoulder. Eddie sat to the other side of them, on the phone with Carla and Christopher. Hen was now talking to Bobby about something. 

This wasn't an unusual scene but a familiar one. Regardless of what was going on or who it was, the 118 always shows for their own. 

A rather tall man came into the waiting room. “Buckley ?” he called out, everyone stood, the doctor seemed surprised to see so many people at 4 in the morning. Your hand was resting on your stomach, you could feel eyes burning into your side. Looking to the left, Chim’s eyes were fixed on your hand, you nodded in his direction with your brows furrowed. He shook his head, you didn’t think much of it. 

“We can take one person in if someone would like to go in now? He’s still asleep but he’s stable as of now” your heart sunk at the term “as of now”, shaking the feeling, you look over at Maddie. 

“Do you want to go in first ?” 

“You go ahead, I'll walk with you and then I'll see him after. I might take a lap, my back is killing me” she gave your hand a squeeze, the two of you followed the doctor to a room down the hall. 

She came in for a moment to kiss her brother’s head and then left you alone in the room with him. You sat at his bedside, your hand held onto his. His hand was cold, the monitor was still going and you could hear his heart beating through the deafening silence but it felt strange. 

Every time you found yourself back here, it felt odd. 

Buck was a warrior in every sense of the word, he pulled through, always. 

“Oh baby, what did you get yourself into” sighing and leaning back into the chair. Once again, your hand comes down to rest on your stomach, the other hand still holding Buck’s. His hand twitched slightly, he was starting to wake up. “Don’t move hun,” your hand rested on his chest softly, Buck’s brows furrowed. 

“Wh-who are you?” his head tilted slightly, your heart dropped. The panic started to set in but you knew better than to let him see it. 

He’ll come around, he’s just woozy from surgery. 

“Why are you here?” he asked once again, “I'm-” you started but was cut off by a little chuckle from Buck. “You ass!” you let out a breath, “god, you scared me”

“Sorry baby, I didn't mean to scare you” 

“Yeah? So why am I sitting in a hospital room while you’re all banged up” 

“We could bang if you wanted” he gave you one of his stupid wicked smiles

“Evan Buckley!” you scolded him, “now is not the time” your hand held onto his arm, your finger tracing over the tattoo on his bicep. “You really scared me, the whole punctured lung this isn't a cute look Buck” 

“Really ? And here I was thinking that I was pulling it off” 

Something flipped in you, you went from relief to anger in .2 of a second. “How could you?” hitting his shoulder, you stood up. “Ow! What did I do ? I'm just laying here” Buck whined, you know you didn't actually hurt him, he's just being dramatic. 

“I know it’s your job to run into burning buildings but would it kill you to be safe? You can't fucking save anyone if you’re dead Evan!” 

“Woah, calm down first of all, and why are you calling me Evan ?” 

“Is that not your frigging name ?!” 

You were starting to lose your patience. You loved Buck, any and everyone knew that but you couldn't deal with how stupid he could be sometimes. He’d run straight into danger to help others but not once would he stop to think of what could possibly happen to him. 

“Where is this coming from ?” he asked you, looking at you. He reached for your hand but you pulled away. You find yourself pacing again, trying to calm yourself before you strangle him with his IV line. “What do you mean ‘where is this coming from?’ you had a giant block of concrete on your chest Buck! If Eddie didn't find you, you'd be dead, you were on the verge of death as it is.” 

“You don-” 

“I don't know that ? I know you’re dumb enough to run into a collapsing building, especially after Bobby told you not to go back inside” you gave him a look, your back up against the wall. Buck’s face went pale, he looked as if he saw a ghost. 

“What? You thought Eddie wouldn't tell me about your little stunt ? You should know better than that.”

“Y/n, baby, I didn’t think anything would happen to me” 

“You never think Buck, that's the problem! You promised me you wouldn't be reckless! You promised me! but you never listen, you never do. One of these days, you're going to walk in and not walk back out.” storming out of the room, Buck sat on the bed, his mouth hung open and confused as to what brought on the fit of rage you just had. 

Maddie walks into the room, “where’s y/n?” she sits beside him. Buck rubs his forehead, “um- she just went for some air” 

--

It was around 5:30 in the morning, you sat outside on the hood of Buck’s jeep. You had dropped him off at work and taken the jeep for the day, hence why you had it right now. 

Peaceful.

That’s how you’d describe your surroundings. There was no one in the parking lot, you laid back on the hood as your hand came down to your stomach once again, staring aimlessly up into the sky. It wasn't dark but the sun hadn't fully come up yet. It was right before dawn, the world felt like it paused, not completely, but just enough for you to take in these few moments of peace. 

The weight shifted on the jeep, you opened your eyes to see Chim climbing up to sit beside you. “Hey, everyone’s looking for you” he says, laying back onto the hood beside you. “Yeah, I just needed some air” lying through your teeth, you give him as best of a smile that you could muster up. Chim’s eyes fixated on your hand once again, you watched him, practically hearing the turning in his head. 

“What's going on in there? The rebar taking its effect now?” you joke, he rolls his eyes. 

“Does he know about the baby?” he asks, you sit up and turn towards him. You hadn't told a soul. 

“How did-” 

“Maddie does it to- the hand on the belly thing. She's been doing it since before there was a bump. Just a motherly reflex I suppose” 

You stared off into space, Chim sat beside you quietly. “Does he know?” he asks once again, you shake your head. “I know it’s not my place,” he rests his hand on your shoulder, “but I think you should tell him. It might keep him from running into buildings without thinking.” 

“Did that work for you ?” 

“What do you mean ?” 

“When Maddie told you that she was pregnant, did you think twice before running into a burning building ?” 

“Honestly, at first it didn't. It didn't seem real until I saw the bump and heard the heartbeat. Then it all made sense ya know ? I couldn't risk getting hurt because I had something to live for, they were waiting for me to come home” 

“That's the thing, I don't want to lose him, Chim. I can’t lose him. I love him and I need him here, the baby needs him. There’s no way I can do this by myself” 

“You can, I know you would be able to do it by yourself but you shouldn’t have too. Buck’s an idiot but he loves you.”

Chim sat with you for a few more minutes, you considered everything he told you. How Buck might not change right away nor did you expect him too but if there was even a chance of him changing, you’d want him too. “Ready to go back in?” Chim slides off the hood, holding his hand out to you. You hold his hand and he helps you off the hood.

“We have a stop to make first” you walk in the opposite direction of Buck’s room. Chim follows you down to the gift shop, which was closed as it doesn’t open until 7.“Are you kidding me?” you groan, leaning back against the door. “We’ll figure something out,” Chim looks around. Eddie comes around the corner, “what are you guys doing here?” he walks over. 

“I needed something for Buck” 

“What did you need? Can’t it wait until they open?” 

“Eddie, I'm pregnant” you just blurt out, Eddie’s jaw drops, literally. 

“Congratulations!” he pulls you into a hug, “wait, you’re happy about it right?” he checks, you nod. 

“I need one of those stupid “world’s best dad” shirts for Buck but it's closed” 

Eddie looks at Chim and then looks around. “Are we gonna?” Chim points towards the door, looking at Eddie. “Yup” Eddie looks around once more, “lean your head towards me y/n” your face screws into a weird expression but abides anyways. Eddie pulls a bobby pin out of your hair, turning to the door and jams into the lock. He wiggles the pin around until the lock clicks open. 

“Voila” he smiles as pushes the door open. The 3 of you walk in, Eddie stays by the door to make sure no one was coming. “Chim, find a pen and paper for me please ?” you walk away to find the shirt you were looking for. Picking up 4, you shove them into a bag form behind the counter. You toss $30 onto the counter and scribble a little note for the person that opens that read: 

Had an emergency, needed a few shirts. Hope this cash covers it. Thanks! :) 

Eddie relocked the door before heading to Buck’s room. Everyone was now in the room, scattered in different places. Bobby was leaned up against a wall, Athena stood beside him, leaning into his side. Hen sat on the little counter by the window and Maddie was still in the chair beside his bed. Eddie went over and joined Hen by the window, Chim stood behind Maddie, his hand coming up to her shoulder. 

“Y/n..” Buck whispers as you walk in, you take a seat on the end of the bed by his hips. “I’m sorry” he says, his hand reaching out for yours. 

“You’re an idiot but, I guess, I forgive you” you say and Buck smiles at you. “What’s in the bag ?” he asks, you rest the bag on your lap. “Something for you boys” The guys exchange looks, Eddie and Chim knew you needed something for Buck but what did you get for them? 

Pulling out the shirts, you handed one to Buck first. It was a plain blue t-shirt with big white bold letters that read “world’s best dad”. Buck looked down at the shirt and then back at you, he repeated that process a few times and after a couple minutes he finally asked you. 

“Are you ?” he whispers, the room is silent. 

“Am I?” you ask.

“Pregnant ?” he finishes the question and you smile. 

“Yeah, I am” your hand rests on his, he pulls you into his side for a hug. You hug him, trying not to squish him and hurt him even more. 

“Okay,” you sit up and toss another shirt that said the same thing to Eddie. He caught it and smiled, “because Christopher couldn't have a better dad than you” Eddie gives you a smile and whispers a thank you. 

The next shirt gets tossed to Chim, he laughs. “You got one for me too?” he asks, pulling the shirt on over his sweater. “Yeah because baby girl Buckley is gonna be one lucky baby, despite your not-so-funny dad jokes” Maddie laughs at the comment, Chim does too. 

The last shirt goes over to Bobby. He gives you a look, “what’s this for ?” he asks, “Because not only have you been amazing with May and Harry but you’ve got a fire station full of ‘children’ that rely on you. Just a thanks for bringing them home in one piece, well for the most part” you pat Buck’s side.

The room is filled with happiness and love, the 118 was together once again, not just as firefighters but as a family. 

-- 

taglist: @ssa-volturi @advicefromnixxxx @dralexreid @keenmarvellover

[somebodycall911onabc]

A Space Already Taken

Ep4x12 Buddie ficlet (not really any spoilers for season 4).

Read on AO3

Buck can take a hint. Particularly when it comes to romance and attraction—he knows when someone wants him and he knows when to make a move. Honestly, at this point he’s had so much practice charming people into bed that he could teach a class on it. One Night Stands 101 or something.

Which is why Taylor Kelly confuses the hell out of him.

Since the treasure hunting incident, she’s backed away from him three times. She’ll lean in close, lower her voice, flutter her eyelashes, brush her hair behind her ear…

And then lean away! Buck is losing his mind.

So when she does it again, when they’re at his apartment after a dinner Buck cooked for them, leaning against each other on the floor in front of the couch, Buck sighs out,

“Taylor, what are we doing?”

She’d turned away from him already, faked a laugh over some conversation they’d been having (i.e., she’d been having while Buck was getting lost in her eyes), but at his words she freezes.

Slowly, like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar, she turns back toward him. The expression on her face is familiar. He’d seen it on Abby a lot, near the end. And Ali.

It’s regret.

“My bad,” Buck says hastily, holding up his hands, “Sorry. If I’ve been, you know, pushy about it.”

Taylor bites her lip.

“I’m sorry, Buck,” she says. “If we weren’t friends then… yeah, a tumble would be fun. But we are. And it gets… messy.”

“I would have thought you’d be kind of into a friends with benefits situation,” Buck says, non-judgemental. “Don’t have to waste time on romance or relationships, you know?”

“I don’t have an issue with it,” Taylor corrects. “But you would.”

“Me?” Buck says, surprised. “Most of my relationships have been no-strings-attached ones.”

“Yeah…” Taylor says gently. “But that’s not you anymore. You know I’m right. You want romance, Buck. You want marriage and kids and love. Real love. And you deserve it. Which is exactly why you shouldn’t waste your time on me.”

“That’s bullshit,” Buck protests, but his heart is sinking because, well, she’s right.

Taylor shakes her head. “I can’t give you those things, Buck. I’m not sure they’re what I even want. Love, yes. But the rest of it?”

“Who says we need to figure it out now? Who says we can’t give it a shot and see where it goes?”

“Because I don’t have all that many friends,” Taylor admits. “And I don’t want to lose one over something stupid like a lack of self-restraint.”

“Who says you’ll lose me?” Buck asks, grasping at straws now. “You keep talking like you can predict everything, like the future’s already set in stone. But from what I’ve seen, the future’s pretty fucking unpredictable.”

“Buck,” Taylor says, swaying close to lay a hand on his cheek, “even if I did love you as more than a friend, I wouldn’t be able to hold a candle to Eddie.”

Buck feels the world stop turning. For just a second. Stalled on its axis like a wind-up toy that reached the end of its mechanical loop.

“Oh, Buck,” Taylor says, pulling her hand away. “C’mon. You revolve around him like he’s the fucking sun.”

“No, I…” Buck shakes his head like a dog dispelling water from its fur. “We’re friends. Brothers. I love him, yeah, but not like…”

“Brothers don’t look at each other the way you two look at each other.”

Buck’s palms are sweating. “Look at each other… how?”

Taylor gives him a long look, somewhere between disbelief and pity.

She says, “like they want to devour each other whole.”

Buck doesn’t sleep that night.

Taylor left with a kiss to his cheek and an open invitation to call her therapist—not her, she made abundantly clear, because she’d done enough to help Buck through the ensuing emotional crisis over the next three hours and two bottles of wine. But Buck just stares up at the ceiling and relives every moment he can recall about Eddie.

And there’s… a lot to get through.

Eddie smiling as Chris reads out a poem he wrote for class.

Eddie concentrated and intense, fists raised as he efficiently and elegantly attacks the punching bag at the station.

Eddie lying pale and cold in the hospital bed after nearly drowning, Buck gripping his hand and thanking every God he can think of that he won’t have to tell Chris he lost another parent.

Eddie’s eyes, warm on his, smiling that conspiratorial smile he saves just for Buck, that makes Buck feel like he’s swallowed the sun.

And Buck realizes that, on some level, he’s always known. He’s never felt this way about anyone. Like the world glows a little brighter when Eddie’s around, like his heart is a skipping record every time Eddie touches him.

He can’t remember a time when it didn’t feel like this.

Buck throws off the covers and stomps down the stairs, grabbing his keys from the kitchen counter on his way out the door.

The drive to Eddie’s is full of white noise and Buck’s memories.

“Real funny, Buck.”

“I know you did.”

“You could have my back any day.”

“Buck, there’s nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you.”

Buck finds himself at Eddie’s door, the porch light flickering on as it senses him. He thinks about knocking, but he doesn’t want to wake Chris, so he pulls out his phone and texts Eddie.

Within a minute, Buck hears noise from inside the house. Eddie’s always been a light sleeper. He makes it to the door three minutes after Buck texts him, ‘I’m outside.’

It’s enough time for Buck to shiver a little at the cold night air, realize he’d put on two different shoes, and chicken out.

Eddie swings open the door and blinks at Buck, a tiny frown on his face.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, stepping aside so that Buck can come in.

Buck curses internally while he toes off his mismatched shoes. “Nothing. I… I just couldn’t sleep.”

“Not your leg, is it?” Eddie asks, making his way down the hallway to the living room. Buck’s heartbeat kicks up, because here’s Eddie sleep-rumpled at four in the morning, opening his door to Buck and worrying about an injury from two years ago.

Buck never had a chance, did he?

“No,” Buck replies, following Eddie onto the couch. “Not the leg.”

Eddie fixes his eyes on Buck and gives him a long, assessing look. Unlike Taylor, Eddie’s gaze is tinged with concern and sympathy.

“This about Taylor Kelly?” He asks, eyes narrowing.

“Jesus,” Buck mutters. “What is it with you two reading my mind lately?”

“You’re just an open book, Buck,” Eddie says, fighting a yawn. “Not much to it. What happened?”

“She just… turned me down,” Buck says with a shrug. He can’t bring himself to feel that bad about it.

“And you’re… upset?” Eddie asks, because of course he can tell that’s not what Buck is really here about.

“No,” Buck admits. “Not really.”

“What is it then?” Eddie asks. And the way he says it, so patiently, resting his cheek against his fist as he sits sideways on the couch to face Buck, breaks something down inside him.

“It’s just…” Buck picks at a loose thread on his jeans. “I just wonder when someone is going to look at me and like… want me. When someone is finally going to love me back.”

The room goes still, like it’s holding its breath the same way Buck and Eddie are. Buck can’t bring himself to look up at whatever expression is on Eddie’s face.

Eddie breathes out. In barely more than a whisper, he says, “I do.”

Buck’s vision goes white for a moment.

His voice cracks as he says, “what?”

“I love you,” Eddie says, firmer now. He’s committed to it. That’s how Eddie is. He doesn’t back down. Buck’s always admired that about him.

“You… but… Ana?” Buck splutters, staring sightlessly down at his own hands, which have fallen still in his lap.

Eddie lets out a hollow-sounding laugh. “Ana broke up with me,” he says.

“What?”

“A few weeks ago, actually. Says I wasn’t trusting enough. That I didn’t really want her in mine and Chris’s lives. She wasn’t wrong.”

“No?” Buck feels like he’s breathing underwater, like there’s no air in the entire goddamn universe.

“Because I already have you,” Eddie says. “Hard to fill a place that’s already taken.”

Buck is horrified to feel a tear slide down his cheek. Jesus, he’s a mess. Eddie’s in love with this?

“Hey,” Eddie says, reaching over to lay a hand on Buck’s shoulder. Buck feels his tell-tale heart skip a beat. “Buck, you alright?”

“I just found out my best friend is in love with me,” Buck chokes out, “after realizing that I’ve been in love with him for years. Give me a minute.”

Eddie doesn’t.

He reaches a hand over to Buck’s jaw, turning Buck to face him. Eddie’s smile is ecstatic, radiant, like someone just told him every Hildy product in the world had been destroyed.

“That so?” He says, his other hand slipping over Buck’s shoulder and down his back, bringing them close. Close enough that their noses are practically touching.

“Yeah,” Buck says.

He can take a hint. He knows when someone wants him. He knows when to make a move.

But when Eddie kisses him, it takes Buck completely and wholly by surprise. Because apparently Buck is hopeless when it comes to love.

Eddie pulls away and Buck chases him with lips and hands and muttered pleas. Eddie breathes a laugh against his lips and Buck wants to feel that every day for the rest of his life.

“I love you,” Eddie says, “so goddamn much.”

“I love you, too,” Buck echoes, feeling warm and soft inside and out. Like he’s incandescent.

“Good,” Eddie says, kissing Buck on the nose, which makes him feel like his bones have turned to jelly. “Can we go the fuck to sleep, then?”

Buck laughs. “I’ll try to save my earth-shattering realizations for daytime from now on,” he says.

“Please do. I’d hate to have to kill you before the wedding.”

“Wedding?” Buck asks, laughing again.

“M’serious,” Eddie protests, rubbing his nose against Buck’s cheek. “I’m going to marry you, Buck. I’d ask you now, but the ring’s in my nightstand.”

“Bullshit.”

Eddie presses his smile to Buck’s. “Why don’t you come to bed and find out?”

Turns out, Eddie does have a ring. It’s black and polished metal that he shyly admits he bought more than a year ago.

“Wasn’t that during the lawsuit?” Buck asks, admiring the ring on his finger. “Weren’t we not talking then?”

“Why’d you think I was so mad at you?” Eddie says, eyes closed, laying back against the pillows. He’s got one arm wrapped around Buck’s waist. “Mad at myself too, ‘cause I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I wasn’t ready. I didn’t think you could ever… I didn’t think you felt the same.”

“Guess tonight was a surprise, huh?”

Eddie slides his hand up to twine his fingers with Buck’s, brushing his thumb over the ring on Buck’s hand.

“Yeah,” Eddie agrees. “Life likes to throw me curveballs, I guess.”

“Excuse you,” Buck says, settling down into the curve of Eddie’s arm. “I’m not a curveball.”

“Sure you are,” Eddie says. “But I love you anyway.”

Buck rests his cheek on Eddie’s chest, closing his eyes. “I’m gonna have to send Taylor a thank you card.”

Eddie snorts. “Go to sleep, Buck.”

Buck, smiling to himself, does. After all, they’ve got a pretty big day ahead of them. Starting with Christopher.

[loch-lomund]

Love Me Anyway (Please)

When Eddie hears a soft thump on his back porch at 11:07 pm, he’s got a pretty good idea of what or rather who, it is.

“Ed-Eddiee?” Buck slurs.

“Are you drunk, Buck?” He reeks like a distillery.

“You said you didn’t recommend hitting things.”

“Yeah, well I wouldn’t have recommended this either, moron."

Link to read on the AO3

When Eddie hears a soft thump on his back porch at 11:07 pm, or he’s got a pretty good idea of what or rather who, it is. Buck’s having a really hard time with his parents’ visit- and honestly Eddie’s been half expecting him to show up all night. Buck had been going at the bag pretty hard this afternoon, but he’s not like Eddie when he’s upset. He doesn’t like to be left alone.  So Eddie’s even left the porch light on. But when he doesn’t hear Buck’s key in the door, and he does hear the boards on his back porch creaking like someone’s lingering out there, he knows something’s off.

He tip toes to the door, grabbing his baseball bat from behind the couch on the way- Eddie thinks his paranoia is understandable considering the shitstorm that has been his life the past few years- and he pauses at the door, hand poised at the door knob, and listens. He hears the soft but unmistakeable sound of someone breathing on the other side of his door, and his heart begins to pound, his only thought to protect his home and son. He counts down to himself- 3, 2, 1 and rips the door open,  bat swinging wildly, and half way to its target when he realizes-

“Buck?!”

His best friend has tumbled inside backwards, losing his balance from having the support of the door he’d been leaning on so heavily abruptly removed. He’s clutching the wall now for support, reacting slowly and not at all defensively enough for someone who had just nearly been attacked with a baseball bat.

“Ed-Eddiee?” Buck slurs.

“Are you drunk?” Buck reeks like a distillery, and he’s not doing a good job supporting his own weight, leaning awkwardly against the wall in Eddie’s cramped entryway.

“You said you didn’t recommend hitting things.”

“Yeah, well I wouldn’t have recommended this either, moron. Christopher is home, you know.”

Buck looks stricken at that, and he immediately turns as though to leave, swaying clumsily as he goes.

“M’sorry, Eddie. I’ll go- Chris shouldn’t see me like this.”

Exasperated, Eddie tugs Buck back into the living room. Despite his aborted movement towards the door, Buck lets himself be led.

“If can promise to be quiet, he won’t have to- he’s down for the night. Where do you think you’re gonna go, anyway? How did you even get here, huh?”

Buck looks at Eddie through bloodshot, half closed eyes, “think I walked.”

Mierda.

Eddie hauls Buck into the bathroom and runs the sink, wetting a warm wash cloth and handing it to Buck. He finds the spare towels and takes stock of Buck again, who is staring intently down into the bowl of the sink, shoulders hunched, washcloth being gripped tightly and also uselessly in his right hand. Buck’s losing time in that way of drunken misery. Instead of just leaving Buck to it, Eddie finds himself in parental mode, running the shower and sticking his hand in the stream to make sure the temperature is just so, the action practiced from countless nights with Chris.

“Get in.”

Buck looks like he might say something, protest rising in his expression.

“Evan, take a shower.” Eddie says sharply, a military tone underlying the softness of the command

Buck’s face crumples, and his already reddened eyes sting with tears that don’t fall.

“Please, please don’t call me that.” Alarmed, Eddie lurches forward and grips Buck by the shoulder. He doesn’t often call Buck by his real name, but it’s never caused a reaction like this before.

“Okay, okay. I won’t. I’m sorry. Get in the shower, Buck.”  And Buck’s nodding, obediently stripping and stepping under the spray. Eddie barely gets out of the bathroom in time to give Buck his privacy, and he feels the heat rising to his own cheeks as he catches a glimpse of his friend’s rippling back and ass. He’s unsure if the blush is out of embarrassment for Buck’s naked vulnerability, or if it’s out of attraction. Maybe a bit of both. Either way, now’s not the time for these thoughts.

Eddie busies himself in the kitchen, brewing a large mug of herbal tea. He winces when he hears Buck gagging, but he’s a little relieved as well. He doesn’t know how much Buck drank but he knows it was way too much. He’s glad some of that is leaving his system, however unpleasantly. He opens the bathroom door partway and wordlessly hands in a spare toothbrush. Buck, who’s upright again at the sink and now wearing a towel around his waist, takes it, clumsily. Eddie notices that Buck’s hands are shaking, fine tremors making their way through him. But Buck stubbornly avoids eye contact, so Eddie leaves again. If he thinks he hears a sob, he pretends not to- if Buck doesn’t want him to know he won’t push. He sets down two mugs of tea and waits in the living room.

Buck finally emerges wearing a pair of Eddie’s sweats and an LAFD hoodie that could belong to either of them. His eyes are clearer when he sits down next to Eddie on the couch. He wraps both hands around the thick mug Eddie’s prepared for him and lifts it to his lips. His hands are still shaking, and he sloshes some of the tea onto his hoodie, wincing at the heat, but drinking deeply.

Without looking at Eddie, he intones, “thank you.”

“There’s nothing to thank me for, Buck.”

“But there is!” Buck’s making eye contact with Eddie for the first time tonight, and what Eddie sees there all but breaks his heart.

“It’s what we do, Buck. I’ve got your back- you’ve had mine, and Christopher’s, more times than I can count.”

“No one’s ever-” Buck gulps and tries again, “No one’s ever…”

“No one’s ever, what, Buck?” Eddie prompts gently. Buck just looks up at Eddie, desperate to say something and unable to get it in the open.

“No one’s ever wanted me!” Buck bursts out, and now that it’s been said, he’s gasping for breath like he’s just run a marathon, his hands over his mouth trying to muffle the sound so that he doesn’t wake Chris.

Eddie feels that outburst like a slap to the face. It’s such a simple, raw statement that pleads for acknowledgement and tears and tears at Eddie’s heart. Eddie reels himself back from his first reaction- denial- because he knows it won’t be helpful.

“What makes you say that, Buck?”

“I always knew I was never enough but I didn’t understand why,” and Buck’s voice breaks a little on that word. “I was a replacement. And not a good one.”

“What are you talking about, Buck?” Eddie asks softly.

“I never knew, but Maddie told me tonight-by accident- I don’t know if she or anyone ever would have told me.” The words are tumbling out of Buck now, and his breath is hitching in these painful sounding gasps that are not-quite sobs.

“I had a brother. He died- and- my parents had me. I don’t- I don’t know why, because they found it so hard.  All I know is that I was never enough. They couldn’t l-l-love me.” Buck’s hesitation on that word makes Eddie hurt for him. “They said we- they said I made it too hard.”

Buck’s not getting enough air, and he has to stop for a second. Eddie softly, tentatively places a hand on Buck’s back and starts rubbing circles.

Eddie’s not too comfortable with physical touch- he’s not talking about a friendly pat, a shoulder bump, legs pressed together on the way to a battleground or a fire- an elbow thrown here or there teasingly. Those kinds of touches he’s used to, been used to since his time in the army, and he gives them out easily.  He’s not even talking about sex, the physicality and sharp pleasure of which comes naturally to him. But physical intimacy- the kind that accompanies vulnerability and softness- that’s difficult.

His withdrawal in that way was a key symptom of his PTSD when he returned to the States. It was an important reason behind the loss of connection that spelled the demise of his marriage. He had to work on it, hard, when he first got Chris back in his life. He’d even discussed it with his therapist and Chris’. Eddie learned to step up for Christopher, and now he’ll unhesitatingly take his son into his arms.

But Buck doesn’t struggle with touch. He folds Eddie into a hug when he thinks Eddie’s had a bad day- he sits with his arm around Chim and Hen in the truck, and he unashamedly holds Maddie’s hand when they’re out on walks. He’s even seen Buck kiss Christopher on the forehead before bed. Maybe, as Eddie’s learning, Buck’s physicality is a direct result of his cold upbringing. What Eddie knows for sure, though, is that Buck thrives on physical intimacy. And right now, he needs a physical reminder that he is loved.

Eddie’s hand has made its way to the back of Buck’s neck. He gives it a squeeze. Buck forces another painful truth out:

“They wanted Daniel, not me. They said I was hard to love.”

And Eddie…can’t listen to this anymore. He surges forward and pulls Buck right into his arms and half into his lap in a tight hug. It’s awkward because Buck’s a big man, but Eddie’s determined. He wants to say so many things but words aren’t Eddie’s forte and all that comes out is this:

“They were wrong.” But it’s enough. Eddie is enough.

Buck whimpers into Eddie’s hoodie, the sound hurting Eddie as much as Buck. He breaks down, burying his head in Eddie’s neck. He’s crying in earnest now, big sobs that make his back tremble and that he’s trying his best to muffle. He cries like he’s twelve years old again. Eddie’s a little scared with the force of it. He just holds on, rubbing bigger circles into Buck’s back. Buck cries and cries, and eventually the sobs gets smaller and turn into little breath hitches. Eddie finds himself pressing a kiss into Buck’s temple before he can stop himself.

He pours his feelings into his grip on Buck, which he adjusts and keeps even after Buck stops crying. Eventually, Buck lifts his head and pulls back.

“S-sorry. I think I snotted all over you,” Buck sniffs and wipes his eyes and face on the sleeve of his hoodie. Eddie snorts.

“Sure did. You’re buying the pizza for the next month,” he says, trying for lighthearted. He strips off his wet hoodie and catches Buck looking. Even though he’s been crying, Buck’s still fucking stunning. Suddenly,  Eddie’s very aware in a different way of Buck’s closeness. His blood is pounding in his ears, and he’s gonna need to take a minute. He stretches, going for nonchalant, but no sooner has he got his arms over his head than Eddie’s the one crowded against the wall, and Buck’s kissing him soundly. Eddie’s body reacts immediately, jeans tightening and tongue slipping easily into Buck’s mouth.  Pretty quickly, though, sober heads-in this case Eddie’s- prevail.

“Buck-” he gets out between kisses.

“Yeah? Buck growls, stripping Eddie’s shirt off. Eddie groans long and low when Buck presses them together.

“Buck, wait. Stop.” Buck leans back, reeling a little. His eyes are filling up again and that’s the absolute last thing Eddie wants.

“No, I mean-“ If Eddie’s a little jumbled at the moment he thinks he should be forgiven- “Yes, stop. But just for now.”

“Eddie?”

“You’re still a little drunk, Buck, and it’s been a big night. When we do this, I want it to be with a clear head.” Buck nods, slowly.

“When, not if?”

“I don’t think there’s been an ‘if’ in my mind for a long time, Buck. But there’s a lot at stake here, and…” Eddie hesitates here- he doesn’t want Buck to take this the wrong way, but he needs to say it for his own sake.

“What is it, Eds?”

“When we cross that line, I need to know it’s because you really want me, and not because you need to feel wanted.”

Buck’s eyes fill visibly with emotion again, and Eddie winces, because he knows that had landed hard. But Buck surprises him. He pulls Eddie into a hug, and because they’re standing now, it’s Eddie whose head fits under Buck’ chin.

“You’re right, Eds. But I won’t ever let you feel unwanted.” It’s Eddie’s turn to feel his eyes stinging a bit. He takes Buck by the hand and leads him down the hall to the bedroom. They sleep soundly, and in the morning Chris’ energetic begging for pancakes will give Buck reason to regret his decisions as he suffers through a hangover and Eddie’s amusement at his expense.

[gazelonger]

the volume of the universe

As much as Buck loves his job, some days are better than others. And this one—this one was plain bad.

Call after call, no food in his stomach, a literal drop of coffee that had scorched his tongue and didn’t give him even the slightest burst of energy he had hoped it would—Buck couldn’t wait for it to be over.

Even though Eddie has been unbearably righteous, Buck would have to agree with him; the last call was superbly boring compared to everything else.

And as much of a reprieve it had been, something about it left Buck thinking it was a bad sign. It didn’t help him feel any more settled than he was before—if anything the complete opposite—and he can’t sit still when they all clamber back into the cabin.

The jinx definitely had not gone away.

The universe does not scream, Eddie says, and there is a sudden, raw dryness in Buck’s throat and a deep chill in his bones. He doesn’t have long to think much about it beyond vaguely wondering if he’s developing a cold before the wind blows sparks from the live power pole leaning against the ladder truck, and Buck’s attention is drawn elsewhere.

It isn’t until later, until his eyes are scanning, unseeing, over some page in the book in his lap that his therapist assigned to him, that he’s replaying the conversation in his head and reminded of what Eddie said. Of how his body had reacted to it.

Out of everything that had been said in the cabin, that one bit of it affected Buck more than anything else, even more than the potentiality of almost being electrocuted to death. But it’d been hours since then and Buck can’t shake it.

It makes sense that it would elicit a reaction from him, he supposes.

For as long as Buck could remember, he had been keenly aware of the universe and its workings.

(Keep reading here or on AO3)

His mother’s shrill voice and his father’s misleadingly paternal one had reminded him time and again that the world is an uncertain place. He’d been told since he was young that he needed to look after himself because no other person could do it for him, let alone the universe.

Early on, the warning accompanied some form of coddling as the stern reminder that Buck probably could have stood to listen to. And it did work the trick for a little while; or it certainly used to scare the hell out of him, at least. Used to make him look both ways before crossing empty streets, made him scan people up and down in the halls at school for some imperceptible threat that was never there.

Eventually, though, Buck forced himself to swallow that fear. More than he needed to look after himself, he needed his parents to give him some kind of attention. Some kind of recognition that he existed. He needed it like he needed air to breathe, and all regard for his personal safety could come later.

Maddie was gone and there was no one to talk to, no one to get him out of his head when he got stuck there for too long, no one to even look at him. The house was too quiet without her. It was too empty. It was almost like he could feel himself disappearing.

And his parents were too occupied with themselves to appreciate Buck’s efforts to heed their advice, anyway, so there wasn’t really a point in continuing to do so.  

Buck missed the attention that getting into trouble would guarantee him, missed the fond exasperation and the headshakes paired with tight-lipped smiles.

And so he started acting out again, and the warning came back as he expected it would. But the resigned expressions of worry and love didn’t. In their place was a convoluted, angry, wild type of hurt directed towards Buck that he could never wrap his head around.

The world is an uncertain place, they would yell. What used to be a reminder that he should be more careful steadily became a furious, desperate plea for Buck to stop putting himself in death’s way.

But Buck didn’t care. Or he pretended not to—it was hard to tell sometimes. Regardless, he continued to tempt the universe.

He was messing with things that were bigger than him, that could have gotten him killed, and he was adamantly reckless about it.

It got to him every once in a while, how dangerous he was being. He was just a kid, after all; and he didn’t like getting hurt, he didn’t like almost dying. It left him rattled each time, left him shaking for hours and hours like he was freezing. Left him wishing he’d listen to his parents because maybe this time they’d be proud of him for it.

Even if he actively sought out the trouble—like the time he couldn’t get over his parents missing another football game and he taunted the biggest looking guy on the opposing team who then tackled Buck so hard that he had to be carried off the field—he would still feel unsettled and frustrated with himself afterwards. And it wasn’t because of the grade two concussion or whatever injuries he’d sustained.

He knew he was on a messy path.

So he tried to be okay with the hand he was dealt, tried to be okay with the fact that there was something about him that must repel his parents—that must have repelled Maddie. He decided to just keep his head low.

But no matter how actively he tried to stop seeking out trouble, it seemed to follow him anyway. Like a shadow.

Buck would be in class taking a test and his eyes would wander for a moment before he would get in trouble for cheating.

Or he would be riding his motorbike and would crash hard into a car that had run a red light—or maybe that he was too angry to see—and end up needing stitches.

Or he would spot a few guys from his lecture hall the money for a couple kegs and get blamed for the whole party.

(Or he would be sitting shotgun in the ladder truck before there was an audible BOOM , and he would come to pinned beneath it.)

Despite the fairly harmless ways he still acted out, even years after he reached adulthood, it was like the universe was finally getting its payback for Buck’s lifelong insolence.

Buck’s parents were only partially correct, he’d figured out. The world was an uncertain place. But it could be a certain place—if you learned to pay attention to it. And at some point, paying attention to the ways of the universe was necessary to survive.

Learning to respect it came naturally.

Even when he wasn’t actively seeking out trouble, when he wasn’t toying with fate, anything that happened to him was just what he had coming to him for almost three decades of unruly, disobedient behavior. Every heart-stopping, bone-crushing blow he faced was inarguably the universe’s way of saying this much is squared away between us, but we are far from even.

So after the day the one-eighteen had had, when they were sitting in the cabin and avoiding electrocution, Buck was practically thrumming with how much attention he was giving to everything the universe was saying to them. To him.

He knew that he tripped while he was booking it up the ladder on the first call because he was the one who had asked the probie the question which had triggered the whole day. It was the same way that, three years ago, the fire suppression system had been triggered on him because he was the one who had said the q-word.

It was, exactly as Hen called it, divine retribution.

The universe had a sense of humor, and Buck wasn’t deaf to it.

Eddie was, though. Much to Buck’s dismay.

Buck couldn’t stand it. It left him frustrated, his hackles raising and his words coming quicker and more clipped each time he spoke. Without realizing it, he was leaning forward in his seat, his hands gesturing as widely as they could without accidentally bumping against the window or the metal of the cabin or Hen sitting pressed next to him.

It was rare that he was the one to take something seriously while Eddie was the one to make a joke out of it, and Buck didn’t like the change of pace. Especially when it came to the universe.

The same universe which had crushed his leg, which had caused his blood to clot, which had put him and Christopher in the middle of a tsunami, was the same one that was not letting up on this day.

Why couldn’t Eddie see that, too?

That was hours ago, and the loft was quiet now as he, Hen, and Chimney read while Bobby tinkered around in the kitchen. But Buck is still thinking about it.

Buck knows that the universe can scream, knows that it is capable of doing far worse than screaming; he knows it like he knows the back of his hand.

But he tries to think about it from Eddie’s perspective.

Buck knows that Eddie is at least a little superstitious. All the remotes in his house still being in a basket on top of the refrigerator are proof enough of that.

But aside from that, Eddie has that medallion on him at all times like it’s a lifeline. And even if it really is just the reminder of Christopher being what comforts Eddie, Buck remembers the frenzied way he had scoured the floor of the locker room that one time it fell out of his pocket and he couldn’t find it right away. Remembers the blind panic in his eyes when he realized it was missing. Remembers the way Eddie’s body had sagged in relief and he brought the medallion to his lips and held it there after he found it underneath his duffle.

Buck also knows that Eddie likes maintaining control over his surroundings. He is proud of the choices he makes, he stands by them—like his choice to move himself and Christopher to LA.

He even claimed today not to worry about those things that he just doesn’t have direct control over.

Those things, Buck knows—even though Eddie didn’t say it—include Shannon’s death. Which, almost two years later, Buck knows Eddie is still struggling to come to terms with. Probably exactly because he had no control over it and couldn’t stop it from happening no matter how much he wishes he could have been able to.

So maybe the idea that some things are out of his reach, that some things are beyond his own will and happen for a reason, is too hard to comprehend.

Maybe, to Eddie, the idea that the universe is an active entity is too overwhelming a thought.

Overwhelming in the same way that it was to Buck when he was ten years old and couldn’t meet anyone’s gaze because he didn’t know what the world would do to him if he tested it.

So maybe Buck could be a little more empathetic.

But it just—it bothers him.

Underestimating the universe never ends well, and there is a tight feeling in Buck’s chest when he thinks that Eddie might be forced to realize that at some point.

The universe does not scream, Eddie had said. He had outright refused to believe that Buck was right.

The dryness in Buck’s throat is back, catching him off guard. A shiver runs down his spine and his fingers twitch against the page he still hasn’t read.

For the second time that day, Buck worries that he might be catching a cold. It was autumn, sure, but Buck just didn’t get colds. Irrationally he thinks it might be the virus, but he knows it’s not that, knows that a sore throat isn’t one of the symptoms and he can breathe just fine and he tested negative yesterday .

(He’ll take another one tomorrow, anyway. Just to be safe.)

Buck doesn’t understand what it is about the statement that leaves him feeling this way, leaves him feeling like he’s caught in the rain—

The rain. Screaming.

Oh.

Buck is stricken with a sudden memory of a cold shift from the year before. Of when they’d almost lost Eddie.

The storm came from nowhere and was gone just as quick. Buck usually liked the rain since it was so rare in LA—he didn’t like how it made his clothes damp and how it made his hair stick to his skin, although there is something different and less bothersome about it while he’s working—but on this day he hated it.

Or, well—no—he didn’t hate the rain, even then. He hated what it did to the earth. It soaked the ground through with water and turned it into thick and gooey mud. It had slipped through his hands like squishable sand, and had become packed deep beneath the surface, closing in on the well that Eddie was suddenly, horrifyingly, utterly trapped in.

The panic Buck felt in that moment nearly swallowed him whole.

And—as awful as it sounds—Buck isn’t a stranger to thinking the people he loves are dying.

He remembers the plane crash from his fifth month on the job. His SEAL training was the only reason he managed to avoid drowning in the unruly waves of the Pacific as he watched the remainder of the plane sink with Bobby still inside of it.

He remembers the silence over the radio when Hen didn’t respond during the earthquake. His jaw had locked into place and he was wobbly on his feet in a way that had nothing to do with the unnatural angle of the building.

He remembers finding Chimney lying on the ground outside of Maddie’s apartment. Chimney’s blood had pooled beneath Buck’s knees, the warmth of it seeping through Buck���s pants and his fingers where he held his hands over Chim’s stomach, staining his skin and his clothes.

He remembers miles of white landscape stretching out in front of him. The snow soaked his clothes and the soles of his shoes as he sprinted, his lungs burning, searching for any sign of Maddie. The sight of her stumbling hundreds of yards away with wet, raggedy hair and dark red all over.

He remembers the dread in his gut at the sound of a loud splash, turning around to see Christopher gone, having fallen into the water when the second wave came. Buck never saw Christopher come above the surface.

This, though. This was different.

Buck might have reacted the same as he did in some of those other situations, his instincts taking hold immediately and controlling everything he did. But he barely remembers the split second where he realized Eddie was trapped. All he knew was that he needed to get to him and then his bare hands were in the mud and someone was screaming.

Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! No! E-Eddie! Eddie, no! Eddie, no!

He didn’t realize it was him at first. Didn’t realize it until Bobby was pulling him back and he fell into his lap and started hyperventilating—sobbing, really—unable to breathe and the screaming had stopped.

(He wouldn’t have been able to stand if Bobby hadn’t grabbed him under his arms and hauled him up, all but dragging him towards the house to get his hands washed to give him something to do.)

But Buck had actually screamed himself hoarse. Woke up the next morning with a sore throat and everything.

Eddie never knew what happened after the well collapsed. Never watched the broadcast of it, not wanting to remember more than he had to. Buck couldn’t blame him; he never filled Eddie in on the details, either. It was too touchy a subject to broach, and, besides, Buck wasn’t too keen on wanting to relive the moment himself.

What happened to Eddie wasn’t fair. It shouldn’t have been him. The universe had no right to take him that day—and thankfully it knew as much, because Eddie had come back and was alive and made it home to Christopher and had spent the whole day today being a softcore bully.

The universe knew it wasn’t Eddie’s time. And while it might have been the one to send that lightning bolt down, triggering everything, it was just as responsible for spitting Eddie out of that lake.

Buck was sure of that.

So while Eddie might argue that the universe does not scream, he wouldn't know that Buck had screamed for it.

It’s at that point that Buck remembers that he is not, in fact, in the freezing rain. That Eddie is not buried thirty feet below him.

He is sitting in the loft in the firehouse. Eddie is in the bunks, probably sound asleep by now.

Buck swallows thickly, his throat still dry as his body recovers from getting lost in the memory. He shifts in the chair he’s sitting in and blinks rapidly, trying to clear the fog that has settled over his brain.

The loft is quiet. The only sounds to be heard are the occasional scrape of paper against skin as Chimney or Hen turn a page in the books they are reading, and the light tapping of metal as Bobby puts some leftovers from a dinner they finally had been given time to eat into tupperware.

It’s familiar, this, and it’s grounding in a way that Buck feels himself being steadily brought back to the present. Tension releases from his shoulders when he rolls them.

“You okay, Buck?” Bobby asks from where he’s busying himself behind the island.

Buck’s eyebrows lift, and he looks over to see Bobby watching him with mild curiosity.

“Yeah,” Buck says. He lifts his book off his lap slightly as if to say I’m just reading, and offers what he hopes looks like a reassuring smile.

Satisfied, Bobby nods, too, and then resumes whatever he was doing.

Buck takes a deep breath. He needs to actually read the book if he doesn’t want to be reprimanded by his therapist—which he doesn’t. He looks down at the page he was on, slightly regretting having zoned out. But he’ll be able to focus now, he figures.

The loft is quiet. Eddie is sleeping downstairs.

It’s almost a jarring juxtaposition from the rest of the day, where the universe hadn’t given any of them a single moment to catch their breaths. But maybe the jinx has worn off now—Buck can admit that he isn’t totally sure how it works.

Either way, something in his chest has been settled now.

The universe can be quiet, too.

[tripleaxeldiaz]

maybe one day i’ll fly next to you

chapter 1/8

read on ao3

The sun is just rising when he gets to the rink, the early morning light streaming in through the high windows, making the ice glow. He’s the first one there, just like he planned, so he gets to take his time getting ready. He stretches a bit in the locker room before lacing up his skates and heading to the ice. Placing his guards on the boards, he takes a minute to just look, relishing in the stillness, the quiet, the smooth surface of the untouched ice. He takes one step, two, and he’s off, gliding through the mirrored surface, carving his path as he goes.

Buck can’t remember a time when skating wasn’t his entire life. He first put on skates at four, wobbling on the side of the rink while Maddie was in lessons. He started lessons of his own at six, and after that, he never stopped thinking about being on the ice. And he was good, too — by eight he was competing in the regional circuit, already landing a handful of clean triples when most kids were still struggling with doubles. He qualified for his first nationals at 10, won gold in Juniors at 11, and by the time he qualified for Junior Grand Prix at 13, people already knew his name. They knew his “modern artistry” as they called it, his powerful jumps, and talked about him like he was someone worth watching out for once he made it to the senior level.

It helped that by then, Buck was already addicted to competition. He loved skating on its own — the power he felt when he jumped and flew across the ice, the beauty of well-executed spirals and step sequences — but nothing made him feel more alive than doing it in front of a crowd and a panel of judges. Landing each element perfectly sent a thrill through him that he never wanted to stop feeling, and seeing his scores, usually much higher than others, was something that never got boring. He wanted to be the best, was on his way to being the best, and those hazy dreams of an Olympic gold medal didn’t feel quite as hazy anymore.

For a while, at least. Until he showed up.

But Buck doesn’t want to think about him right now, he just wants to enjoy the peace and quiet while he can. He’s not skating to anything in particular, just the music in his head taking him wherever feels right. He’s so lost in it, trying to nail the bit of choreo he just made up, that he doesn’t even notice Bobby until he hears him clapping from the benches. 

“Looks good, Buck. Talk to Hen, I think that would work in your new short.”

“Thanks Bobby,” Buck says, making his way to the boards. Bobby hands him his guards and his water bottle, heading back towards the locker room.

“Come on, we’re just about to get started.”

Bobby and Athena have had this beginning of the season meeting for as long as Buck has been at their club. They go over assignments for Grand Prix and the Challenger series, figure out general training schedules, and do a “goal setting session” for what they want to accomplish this season. 

Bobby calls it a “family meeting”, which is cute but also annoying. Skating isn’t a team sport. Families don’t win medals. And that’s all Buck wants to accomplish every season until he retires: he wants to win.

He sits down on a bench next to Maddie, who’s deep in conversation with Athena about her and Chimney’s programs, he’s sure. She’s been planning them since Worlds, so they’re probably fully choreographed and ready for competition. The Buckleys are nothing if not overachievers.

Bobby clears his throat, standing in front of the roll-away white board, and gets started. Buck’s half paying attention — it’s the fifth time he’s heard the “athletes aren’t born, they’re made” speech, he gets the point — letting his eyes wander over the small crowd of skaters. Chim’s on Athena’s other side, nodding along with Bobby. May and Hen are standing along the lockers, whispering quietly. The Juniors kids are sitting on the floor, in awe of their coach as he talks about hard work and victory. Buck gets it, he’s still a little in awe of Bobby himself, but not so much of his recycled speeches.

There’s one face, though, that he doesn’t see, and for a minute, he’s hopeful. He’s gone, he moved, he went to work with Rafael in Lakewood or something, so I’ll only have to see him maybe four times a year instead of every goddamn day thank god—

The doors to the locker room burst open, and fuck. 

Because, nope, he’s still here. Windswept and out of breath and 15 minutes late, yet somehow still oozing confidence and jackassery.

Eddie Diaz. Olympic Bronze Medalist. Two time reigning World Champion. And the absolute bane of Buck’s existence.

Bobby doesn’t even say anything, just waves him in and keeps talking. If Buck had been that late, even if it was for a good reason, he would have had his ass handed to him in front of everyone and would’ve had to run laps or something after his ice time. But of course, Eddie gets a pass.

Whatever.

Buck doesn’t pay much attention to the rest of the meeting, too busy trying to keep himself from glaring at Eddie every 20 seconds. He tunes in enough to hear that they’ll both be going to Skate America and NHK because of course they are and spends the rest of the meeting trying to keep his blood pressure down. When it’s finally over, he makes his way through the crowd to get back to the ice for his first session with Bobby. He’s scrolling through his phone, trying to find his music, when he feels someone walk over and join him on the bench. He looks over, and lo and behold— 

“Eddie,” he says with what he hopes is a low level of contempt.

“Buck,” Eddie responds, looking over and nodding as he laces up his skates. “Good summer?”

“Fine.”

“Ready for the season?”

“Always am.”

Eddie smiles, easy and charming, and Buck hates his fucking guts. He nods at him again as he heads onto the ice, and Buck gives into the temptation to thump his head against boards a few times.

It’s going to be a very long year.

~~~~~~~~~~

Buck has hated Eddie since they were 16 years old.

Okay, maybe “hate” is a little strong, but whatever emotion it is when just looking at a person makes you feel like smoke is coming out of your ears, that’s how he feels. 

It was his first season in Seniors, and he had been doing better than he expected in the first half — a silver and a bronze at his Grand Prixs, and fifth at the Grand Prix Final. Nowhere near perfect or the best in the world, but he was the best US men’s skater and poised to win gold at Nationals. He hadn’t even heard the name “Eddie Diaz” until he got to Nats, and even then it was just whispers — some small town kid from Texas who was landing clean quadruple jumps at a time when some of the highest ranked skaters couldn’t. Buck was working on them — his coach kept harping on how important they’d be to the sport one day — but he’d hit a growth spurt just before the beginning of the season, so he was still getting used to his new center of gravity. 

But the rumors were true, Buck saw it with his own eyes at a practice session. He remembers the mix of awe and dread as he watched Eddie jump — the thoughts of damn I want to be as good as this kid and he’s about to take everything from me.

Eddie won Nats by about 30 points. Buck came in second. The US only had one spot at both Four Continents and Worlds, and Eddie got picked for both. Something about having “a better chance with his abilities and consistency in the international field” or some other bullshit. 

He didn’t podium at either. Buck felt shamelessly vindicated.

Over the next three years, they became perfect foils of each other — Buck with good jumps but better artistic expression and connection to the music, Eddie a little stiff but a blur of height and speed in the air. They flip-flopped at competitions — Buck got silver, Eddie got gold. Buck got gold, Eddie got bronze. Nats turned into a yearly showdown, the media always highlighting their “friendly rivalry”. Buck must have been a better actor than he thought if he was coming across as “friendly”.

He won Nats right before the Olympics, pretty much guaranteeing his chances of getting named to the Olympic Team. Two days before the announcement, he broke his leg on a bad landing and felt his dreams shatter along with the bone. 

Eddie went instead. He placed third, higher than any US man had placed in 12 years. 

Buck watched it all from his couch, unsure if he’d ever be able to skate again.

Fast forward three seasons, and while Buck is still struggling to get his consistent jumps back, Eddie keeps skyrocketing. He hasn’t lost a major competition in two years and is the overwhelming favorite to win the gold medal in Beijing. It was bad enough to hear about it from other skaters or see at competitions, but then Eddie moved to Bobby and Athena’s club a year ago, so now Buck gets to suffer through first hand observation.

It simultaneously pushes him harder and makes him want to die.

Which is the exact feeling he has right now as he watches Eddie land a perfect quad toe triple toe combo. He tried the same combo yesterday and landed flat on his ass, so now he just wants to practice it over and over until it’s perfect and he can rub it in Eddie’s smug face. See, you’re not the only one who can do it. You’re not that special.

“You better watch how hard you’re frowning, Buckaroo, you’re gonna get wrinkles,” Hen says as she walks over to him. She follows his line of sight, and her expression turns from vaguely worried to exasperated. “Staring that hard at Eddie isn’t gonna make him fall.”

“It could,” he says. “Maybe I have untapped psychic powers that are just waiting to come out.”

She gives him a flat look. “Sure, and I’m the long lost crown princess of a small European country. Can we go over your free instead of fantasizing about stupid things, please?”

“Fine, fine,” Buck says, finally turning away from Eddie as he steps on the ice.

He loves his programs this season — he usually doesn’t get used to them for a few months, but this time around, he already feels connected. His short is more modern, melancholic and gritty, while his free is more classic, hopeful, makes him feel like he’s floating rather than skating. He’s always been good at choreography — either taking it and making it his own or creating steps himself — and he feels like both really highlight his talents. Plus Hen, being the amazing choreographer and friend that she is, let him have a lot more input this time around, so it all feels more authentic. He likes to think that no matter what happens, he’ll be proud of whatever he puts out with these pieces.

They work on his free for an hour, and he stays an extra two to work on his short and his jumps on his own. By the time he leaves, the sun has set, his legs are already sore, and he has a lovely bruise blossoming on his right thigh from falling on his quad flip three times in a row.

It’s all worth it, though. Because as much as he wants to be happy with his programs no matter what, he knows he won’t be unless they get him to the top of that podium, hearing the national anthem play with a gold medal around his neck.

~~~~~~~~~~

He’s floating away in his dream, higher and higher like a runaway helium balloon. He can see the whole world below him, spread out and endless, rolling hills and forests and oceans. He wonders if he’ll ever come back down, or if he’ll just keep moving up and up, into the atmosphere, into space, into a different universe. He thinks that might not be so bad.

Suddenly, he’s falling, plummeting back down to Earth like an asteroid. He’s racing and racing towards the ground, bracing for impact, for everything in his body to break, he’s falling and falling faster and faster—

He wakes with a yell, covered in sweat, his leg twinging. He takes a few minutes to breathe and get his heart rate back down, but even then, he’s still shaking.

He looks at the clock. 4:30am. He could go back to sleep — he doesn’t have practice until noon. 

Except his mind is churning now with the phantom memory of breaking. The feeling of going from standing to not being able to move, pain radiating from his leg into every other part of his body. The panic, not just for his body, but for his whole life and what it could turn into. What he could lose.

He lays there for another half an hour, but the memories just keep burning. So, he does what he always does when he needs to shut his mind off.

He goes to the rink.

First practice isn’t until 8am, so he uses his keys to unlock the back door. Chuck, the janitor, was sick of waiting two extra hours to lock up after him, so he gave him his own set after his first season. Buck gives him a giant cookie bouquet for Christmas every year in return.

He feels better after just a few laps around the ice. The chill that bites as he speeds up his pace, the white noise of his blades in the ice, it all settles him like nothing else. He speeds up still, setting up for a triple Salchow — easy, almost second nature, a jump he could do in his sleep. He pushes off, but as soon as he’s airborne, something jolts through him, makes his stomach turn over. He pops the jump to a single and lands on the wrong edge, losing his balance and sprawling across the ice on his back. He stays there, staring up at the lights, letting the cold leech in through his sweatshirt. 

Almost four years later, and this is still happening. He scares himself out of jumps like he expects each one to end badly, even though he knows — logically, statistically knows — that it’s unlikely. 

And yet. Here he is. On his back. After another failure.

He’s too tired to feel pissed or frustrated like he usually does, so he’s just resigned. Today is not the day for jumps. That’s just how it is.

He gets up finally and skates over to his bag, digs his headphones out and queues up his short program music. He works through the step sequences, over and over, making little tweaks as necessary, thinking through where the judges could take off points until it’s perfect. The repetition quiets the last of his racing thoughts, and he finally feels like himself again. 

He’s moving into his last spin when he sees movement out of the corner of his eye. He slows down enough to recognize Eddie, inching towards the locker room like he’s trying not to be seen.

Buck stops, staring Eddie down. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Eddie freezes eyes wide, looking suspiciously guilty. He walks forward, hand rubbing the back of his neck. “I have an 8am and wanted to beat traffic on my way in. The back door was open when I got here, and I saw the lights on, so I—” he swallows, looking anywhere but Buck’s face. There’s a blush crawling up his neck, and he looks nervous.

Nervous like he just got caught somewhere he shouldn’t be, Buck thinks. He narrows his eyes as he checks his watch — it’s 7:00. He gets wanting to beat traffic, but a whole hour?

He quickly makes his way off the ice, grabbing his bag from the bench. “Well, I’m done for now, it’s all yours.”

“Thanks,” Eddie says quietly. Buck’s just about through the door when he hears his name. He turns back to Eddie, his blush now all the way up to his hairline.

“You looked good out there. Can’t wait to see it in competition.”

Buck freezes, processing the compliment. A compliment. From Eddie. They hardly talk unless they have to, and even then it’s never friendly. Cordial, sure, but not friendly.

So why is he being so nice now?

Buck just narrows his eyes again before stalking off to the lockers.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Mads, I really think he’s gonna pull a Tonya Harding on me.”

She looks at him over her wine glass, unimpressed. “Yeah, because that worked out so well for Tonya the first time.”

“I’m serious!” he says, taking a sip from his own glass. Neither of them drink during the season, so they’re taking full advantage of their weekly wine nights while they can. Buck’s not a lightweight by any means, but two glasses in and he is starting to feel a little fuzzy. And a little crazy, trying to figure out what Eddie was up to this morning. “You haven’t seen any weird guys lurking around have you? You’d tell me if you did, right?”

Maddie rolls her eyes. “You sound insane.”

“I’m not insane if I’m right. Why else would he be watching me?”

“We all watch each other, Buck! He was watching Chim and me yesterday too while he was on break. He even said our twizzles were really in sync.”

“You better watch your back too, maybe he’s trying to take the whole club out.”

“Oh my god,” she says, pouring another, very full glass.

“He’s just so— he’s—”

“Annoyingly perfect? Obnoxiously talented? I know, Buck, you only bring it up every 15 minutes.”

Buck deflates at that. “I don’t— it’s not that often.” Sure, he rants about how clean Eddie’s edges are and how good his quad flip is, but that’s because it’s so irritating. Buck works just as hard as Eddie, and he knows he’s not flawless. But somehow, Eddie is. Stupidly flawless and perfect and— 

“I’m just saying,” she says, squeezing his hand across the table and bringing him back to the conversation. She pours him another generous glass, too. “This energy is great, but it would probably be better to put more of it into practice and less of it into worrying about one of your competitors. I know you’re nervous about this season, but you can’t let that turn into this weird paranoia. Don’t let it take your head out of the game.”

He sits back and sighs. She’s right, of course. She always is.

He doesn’t tell her that, though. Just takes a gulp of wine and tries not to think about Eddie’s annoyingly perfect anything. 

~~~~~~~~~~

There’s a news truck parked outside the rink when he gets in the next morning, and he spends about 15 minutes contemplating just going home and telling Bobby he’s sick. 

The lead reporter — Taylor, he thinks — claims they’re here to do a profile on the club and how they’re preparing for the Olympics, but he knows they’re mostly here for Eddie. They want any and all sound bites they can get from him to use over and over and over in coverage leading up to Beijing. Quotes about hard work and following his dreams that they can play over footage of him skating and smiling after winning again. Buck’s already annoyed at the prospect of seeing them on NBC Sports for the next six months.

To their credit, they do film everyone practicing at some point. They get Maddie and Chim doing their new rotational lift, May landing her triple lutz that she’s been working on for months, and Buck’s nearly perfect (if he does say so himself) flying camel spin. So at least they have good footage of him, not just random shots in the background of Eddie’s. Maybe he’ll even get his own little promo. 

Bobby calls him into his office after lunch, where the news crew has set up an interview space. He wasn’t expecting to talk to anyone — maybe a quick question at the boards, but nothing this fancy. He sits in one of the chairs as someone puts powder on his face and tries to do something with his hair. Taylor sits down across from him, a 1000-watt smile turned on as the cameras start rolling.

“So, Evan. Or do you prefer Buck?”

“Evan’s fine.” As much as he hates his first name, it’s how the general public knows him. Buck is reserved for friends and family.

And Eddie, an annoying voice reminds him. Fine, friends and family and...competitors.

“You came in second at Nationals and Four Continents last year, and fourth at Worlds. How do you feel about the momentum going into this Olympic season?”

“Every season is different,” he says as diplomatically as possible. These reporters always want drama, someone slipping up and bragging about themselves when they have no right to. He’s not wrong — every season is different. No matter who’s expected to win or who has the most medals, you never know how everything will play out. “We haven’t had a men’s field this strong in a while, so it’ll be interesting to see what happens. But I’m as prepared as I can be at this point.”

“You were injured right before the last Olympics. Do you see this year as a bit of redemption for yourself?”

He feels his smile go tight. “It’s every kid’s dream to go to the Games. It’s certainly still mine. I’m ready to do whatever I can to make that dream come true.”

“Eddie Diaz has been with your club for just over a year now. What’s it like training with him?”

There it is, he thinks. He’s surprised she asked so many questions about him before getting to Eddie. The first responses he thinks of are all variations of he sucks and I can’t stand the sight of him, but he knows any petty answers will be worse for him personally than anyone else. So, as much as it pains him, he settles on the nicest version of the truth he can muster.

“Eddie’s an amazing skater,” he says, surprising himself at how genuine he sounds. “He’s been paving new paths in the sport, and he’s pushed everyone to be better to try and get on his level, myself included. He definitely brings that same energy to the club.”

“Do you think you can beat him this year?”

Wow, she’s not holding any punches.

He shrugs, smiling through the sudden burst of anxiety in his veins. “We’ll just have to wait and see.” 

~~~~~~~~~~

Despite his less than fiery interview, Taylor asks him what he’s doing after practice right before they leave. It’s easy enough to turn her down — he’s got an early PT appointment in the morning, plus the way she’s been looking at him all day is making him itchy. He can tell she only sees him as an object — as a means to get her name on a lead story or a body to keep her bed warm or both — and that’s just not something he’s interested in. Maybe a few years ago, when sex was a way for him to forget about the potential end of his career, but not now.

As nonchalant as he was in the interview, this season really could make or break him. 

He can’t afford any distractions.

[comablog2]

Buddie: Eddie wooing Buck (bonus points for Buck being extra oblivious)

5 times Eddie tries to woo Buck and it doesn't work + 1 time it does

-1-

Eddie can't help but look at Buck when he changes. He always looks SO GOOD and you can see the work he puts in. He's got broad shoulders but such a tiny perfect waist that Eddie wants to wrap his arms around. He pulls on his old grey sweater, pulling on some jeans.

As much as he loves his job, he's grateful to go home and just be with Christopher.

"Dude that's a nice sweater!" Buck says, grabbing onto the sleeve and rubbing the side. "Ooo it's really soft."

"Thanks Its made of boyfriend material." Eddie blurts, face turning deep red. Buck tilts his head, then reaching back and checking the tag.

"No it says it's cotton blend." He says, tucking the tag back in. The feeling of Buck's fingers touching his neck makes him shudder softly. "Must've read it wrong. I'll see you tomorrow!" He says, waving at him as leaves. Eddie rests his hand on his chest. Buck was really gonna kill him one day.

-2-

Eddie knows that Buck really likes his brownies. Eddie doesn't bake often, if ever, so on Valentine's day he really wanted to make something for Buck.

He made them and brought a few to work, leaving most in Buck's locker and giving the rest out to the station. He can hear the excited gasp/squeal giggle combo from the locker room when Buck finds the baggy of brownies, going over to see him wolfing one down.

"Happy Valentine's day!" Eddie says, grinning at him. Buck looks up with big ol puppy eyes, mouth full of brownie. "I just thought, since you liked my brownies, I'd make some for you." Eddie says with a smile. Buck grins and offers one to him.

"Did you get one?"

"There for you, Buck." Buck scrunched his eyebrows.

"But.. Did you get one?" He asks softly. Eddie chuckles and takes it.

"No I didn't. Thank you." Buck grins at him and bumps their shoulders.

-3-

Buck was always reckless on call. It was a habit, but running into buildings near collapse to save a girls cat was the most terrified Eddie's ever felt.

They both got out okay, but seconds after Buck emerged, the house collapsed and sparks with remaining fire.

"Buck!" He pulls him into a tight hug, their helmets smacking together but he doesn't care. "Jesus Christ, you can't do that."

"I'm okay Eddie!" He says with a smile, pulling back a little to look at him.

"You could've gotten hurt! Please, you need to be careful." Eddie says, lifting Buck's face shield and gently touching his face. "I can't loose you." He says softly. Buck smiles and rubs Eddie's wrist.

"I'm okay. I'll be careful." He says gently. Eddie nodded, watching him walk away and he feels the knot in his chest loosen. He's so gone for him.

-4-

"You never had a stuffed animal??" Eddie gapes in horror. "Like.. Never?? There is no way!"

Buck shrugs, looking a little uncomftabke. "My dad didn't want me to have one." He says softly. Eddie recognizes that, the look and body language Buck gets when he discusses his father.

"Well get your jacket. Were going to get you a build a bear." He says, tossing Buck his jacket. "On me!"

"Aren't those expensive?" Buck asks, pulling on the jacket. "I don't want you to spend so much on me."

"Your worth it, Buck." He says, picking up his keys. "Let's go."

Buck gets a simple bear with a grey sweatshirt that had a heart sewn on it. Eddie of course, put the secret message that played.

"Don't listen to it yet!" Eddie says, taking the bear after the famous BAB heart was sewn on. "Its special." Buck rolls his eyes and chuckles softly, trying to pay half but getting quickly denied by Eddie. "This is your first ever stuffed animal. On me." Buck smiles and glances at his feet.

In the car, Eddie places the bear in Buck's lap. "Press the paw." Buck tentatively takes it and gives it a squeeze.

"I'll always have your back, Buck." The message rang, and Buck looks up with a heart melting smile.

"Thank you." He whispers, squeezing the bear close.

-5-

Buck was having too many car issues and not enough money to fix any of them. Eddie offered up his place and guest room for him and they began car pooling to work, or picking up/dropping off the other when they didn't work.

Buck was really grateful and helped out the best he could, although Christopher was insanely happy to have time with "his Bucky" and Buck loved being around him.

Eddie picked Buck up from a grueling 36 hour shift, surprised that he could even walked, looking dead on his feet.

"God, this was a crazy shift." He mutters, head rolling back to the head rest. "Sorry you have to get me so late." He gestures to the 11 PM dashboard clock.

"Nonsense. I've got a plate waiting for you at home and if you want a shower I left some sleep clothes in there." He says softly. Buck grins sleepily and relaxes into the passenger seat.

"Thank you Eddie. Your amazing." He says softly. Eddie puffed up with pride. Buck thought he was amazing.

+1

Buck stretches up and groans, body sweaty and stinking like hell. He loves working out, but he always smells so bad after. He lifts up the edge of his shirt and wiped his brow.

"No need to flex on me, Buck. I get it, your all ripped and attractive." Eddie says, aiming another punch to the punching bag. Buck looks up at him, and you can practically hear the cogs in his head turning.

"Your flirting with me." He says, eyes widened. Eddie paused and turns to him.

"I have for the past 5 months, but thank you for noticing." He says, crossing his arms and smirking. Buck looks at him with wide eyes and a dropped jaw.

"Oh my God, I'm so oblivious." He says, covering his eyes.

"Just a little, but it's part of the appeal." He says with a grin. "So, can I officially take you on a date now?" Buck grins bashfully.

"I'd really like that." He says softly. Eddie grins and winks at him.

"Pick a place. It's a date."

(@cherishingstydia @chrrlees @diazbuckleysworld @diazsbuckley @lilywoood @black-forest-girl @felicitous-one)

[jane--thors]

Show edit

1x01

7-16-2011

toilet baby/lily/buck fired and rehired

1x02

7-22-2011        

rollor coaster/

1x03

7-31-2011      

chims car accident/truck/surgery

1x04

10-12-2011        

plane crash        

10-13-2011

on the second day of recovery and clean up several crews from texas, new mexico, and  arizona to help including the 126 from texas.

10-23-2011

buck and judd meet as the 126 is leaving and reconcile and buck cooks a big breakfest for judds crew

1x05

10-23-2011

judds crew leaves that morning and buck gos into work/indian wedding/bobbys story/buck notices that bobbys story sounds familiar but cant figure out why

1x06

-    -        

buck goes on a date with abby

1x07

-    -        

full moon weirdness

1x08

-    -        

karma

1x09

-    -        

hot balloon

1x10

-    -        

abbys mom dies and she leaves

2x01

-    -        

buck meets eddie and is imeadiatly pissy because he reminds buck of ///////// which sets   ssssssssssssssssshim on edge then the two bond over pulling a bomb out of a mans leg

2x02

-    -        

drunk girls and earthquake begins

2x03

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earthquake fallout/ eddie with his kid makes buck see him closer to nathen then //////////

2x04

-    -        

post earthquake cookout

2x05

-    -        

maddie and athena ride along

2x06

-    -        

dosed brownies

2x07

-    -        

ghost call

2x08

-    -        

buck gets bucked

2x09

-    -        

mudslide

2x10

-    -        

christmas

2x11

-    -        

chim begins

2x12

-    -        

doug

2x13

-    -        

doug dies

2x14

-    -        

neighbor hood boom

2x15

-    -        

oceans 9-1-1

2x16

-    -        

mail bombs

2x17

-    -        

truck bomb

2x18

-    -        

bucks injuries

2x19

-    -        

buck heals but also gets word that billy was involved in the death of franks family and that billy was beaten half to death by frank but dissapeared before the authorities got there.

3x01

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buck is cleared for duty but later that night he collapses due to a blood clot in his lung aggravating his old wounds(scar tissue in his leg and lungs)

hes rushed to the hospital and treated.

When he wakes he is told that the blood clot was due to the screws in his leg most likely

buck stays under observation for three days and is told he can go back to work.

Bobby tells him that he cant be cleared due to the clots.

Buck is upset as he is put on light duty and then transferred to the

then athena trys to help and invites buck to dinner buck points out that his new test cleared him for duty and asks when he can come back to work.

Bobby tells him that he isnt coming back since bobby cant be sure that buck is serious about his job

buck is hurt and leaves

buck is extreamly upset and gos to a bar to get drunk.

At the bar he airs hi work issues to jason a cop who begins talking about his hard case

the cop is trying to take down a lawyer who was abuseing his clients

buck offers to help

between the two it is decided that theyll meet early the next day

the next day jason buck and the station chief meet

it is decided that buck will file a fake lawsuit  and record everything the lawyer does {he uses dirtycops for info on those that his clients are sueing and once he wins a case he attacks the cleint and forces them to hand over ther money}

buck finds out that the man works with [OWENSWIFE] and points out that he be able to get her involved

[owenswife] is brought in and agrees to help placing devices around their offices

buck files

the 118 freaks

two months later they have enough evidence to take the lawyer down so buck ‘drops’ the case and the chief gives him his job back

buck comes into the station and the 188 is frosty to him

he plays nice since he gets it, he hurt them

that night he gos home to his apartment and downs a glass of tea not knowing that it was drugged by ,,,,,,,,,, who takes the opurtunity to attack buck when he cant fight back

the next day buck is late because he went to the er and got a kit done and gave a statement

bobby reams him and puts him on scut work

the team ets called out and eddie hangs back to ‘supervise’ buck (he noticed something is wrong with him)

buck feeling dizzy heads to clean the showers

eddie finds him ten minutes later passed out and burning up

eddie rushes him to the hospital where its found that he was having an alergic reaction to the drug ,,,,,,,,,,, gave him.

Eddie stays with him ad asks what the hell is going on

buck tells him that he cant tell him everything but that his exlawer had attacked him for dropping the case and turning down the 6mil dollor settlement and that he drugged him.

Eddie though still mad about the lawsuit is pissed and takes buck home.

Bobby calls upset that they left early

eddie tells bobby that something happened that he cant disclose but that hes handling it and expects bobby to trust him in this.

Bobby is worried but agrees to it and gives them both the week off

eddie gos back inside and finds buck asleep on the couch haed in chriss lap as the boy pets his hair.

Eddie puts buck in the bed in the spare room and tucks chris into his own bed.

The next day eddie keeps trying to help buck

buck pulls him to the side and asks him to not make a big deal out of things / that he just wanted to forget about the incident.

Eddie agrees but cant help himself so buck makes him go back to work

that day jason stops by bucks apartment and tells buck that,,,,,,,,,, was arested and is not an issue for him any longer since he pled out to get a lesser sentence

{owens wife} sues the lawyer for the money he had stolen frome her firm and its granted

she puts it all into and account for buck. She shows up to bucks apartment and meets chris (buck introduces her as his mi’ada)

she ends up cooking for them both

eddie comes by and also ends up eating

when buck is teaching chris about the meal [owens wif] made she pulls eddie to the side and makes him swear to take care of her son before heading to her house

buck heads to bed while eddie takes chris home

four months after the case was dropped buck is on a different shift then eddie

buck is off that day while eddie works so buck takes chris to see a movie but finds that its sold out

chris is upset so buck takes chris down to the peir to cheer him up

the tsunami hits

buck looses his grip on chris in the first wave but gets him back and keeps him safe

chris falls in the water and dissapears

buck spends the rest of the day looking for him

at 8:30 hes dragged to the va hospital by a concerned civilian

the docs try to get him treated but he sneaks out grabs a radio from an abandoned fire truck and heads back out

he finds chris at 11:30  pretty briused and tired but not scared

“HIS BUCK WAS COMING”

buck is astonished to see that chris is holding a 3 year old old baby

buck dosnt want to risk the children be moving them so he settles for checking them over while routenly calling out over the radio for help

he checks chris over first

he has bruises all over and his right knee is dislocated

buck realligns the knee and wraps it in his over shirt

then he checks the baby over only to go deadly still

the baby a girl is his baby nadia right down to the hetrochromia she got from nathen

the baby is unharmed

buck asks  chris how he found the baby

chris found her alone floating in a carseat

he took her out of the carseat cause “babies arnt supposec to sleep in carseats carla said it was bad for them”

buck finally geta station on the line not the 118 but itll do

he gets them to drop him at eddies abuales as she can get chris help

pepa takes chris buck abula and nadia to the hospital and while she sees to chris buck walks two blocks to the 118s house and grabs nadias paper work from his locker(kept there for safe keeping) then he returns and cheks nadia in

both kids are released that night and buck takes everyone to his apartment

(peppa dosnt want to be alone scared of looters)

finaly buck get eddie on the phone and tells him everything leaving out nadia

the 118 is still working but will be off soon

buck calls judd and is surprised to  find out that hes in cali with grace visiting graces father

judds there withen an hour and is estatic over nadia being alive and to happy to question it

but buck is concerned but decides to ignore it

after everyone catches a nap 2:00am to 6:00am buck gets everyon (peppa abuela chris nadia judd and grace to the station)

while abuela and grace occupy chris and keep an ey on nadia

judd peppa and buck cook tons of food that  judd delivers to nearby hospitals

michael shows up with karen denny harry and may in tow

harry denny and karen join abuelas group

while micheal joins judd and may joins buck

the 118 gets back at 9:00am and are stuned at how buck is handleing things

buck meets them at the door and insists that they shower and clean up before they go up since the kids are up therewhile they shower buck gives them a rundown of chriss health which freaks out eddie but buck points out that the boy is fine and is siting with eddies abuela and is practically crowing about finding nadia

eddie asks who nadia is and buck tells them that shes his daughter and that hes been looking for her for THREE years and SOMEHOW chris found her in the midst of a damn tsunami

hen makes a joke about his luck and eddie asks if shes ok

“yeah chris kept her safe and sound” buck then points out that peppa and abuela came to the station cause they were worried about looters but that chris is bribeing her with baby time and jokes that {buck}he’ll have to share his daughter to avoid causing drama

which makes everyone laugh