#ive been internally screaming ever since

[venusplanetoflove2]

what does it mean when a pretty girl says that you have “cute handwriting”???

[blue-sadie]

A Dark Slumber

they accidentally hurt you when having a nightmare

Steven Grant

The nightmares only started after the whole experience death and finding out his purpose of living he felt used and betrayed, he couldn't stomach looking at marc for a while let alone talking to you about it but what hurt him most was his mother's death.

You both layed soundly in your bed the only noise was from the fish tank that released bubbles every few moments, it was peaceful well for you, Steven's nightmare started with his leg twitch then to his hands pulling at the covers, he started muttering words no one could understand.

He woke you up when he accidentally smacked you in your face making you squeaked out which made him sit up in alarmed by your noise, he'll look around frantically intill his eyes landed on you holding your cheek and he immediately knew what he did.

The first thing he did was ask if your ok he wouldn't come close to you unless you tell him it's ok, he would feel ashamed and full of guilt and breakdown he would tell you everything that's been on his mind mostly about the nightmares and of the things he saw when he died "i-ive just been so stuck in my mind I guess my feelings were just catching up to me"

Marc Spector

He always had nightmares from his childhood but they've never been this bad, after the countless missions he's done he would think that killing would get easier that the guilt feeling would subside but it never did it was actually getting the best of him sometimes.

You were pretty used to his slight movements and bumps in the night he was a restless sleep it was very rare when he had a peaceful slumber, his hands would grasp the blankets tightly his breathing uneven as he twist and turned.

You woke up gasping as you felt your air way close your hands immediately wrapped around his he would only wake up probly when you gasped out his name, he would immediately release your neck and stare blankly at his hands.

He would quickly raise fron the bed and refuse to get back in, you'd have to coax him back in after nights of him on the couch he would take alot of convincing and time to even touch you again the images of him strangling you crossing his mind everytime he comes into contact with your skin "I don't know what came over me it felt as if I lost control of my whole body it was... scary".

Jake Lockley

He never had dreams only nightmares but that hardly ever happened anyway since he normally stares up at the ceiling as you slept beside him, he'll do anything to stay awake the thought of sleeping repulsed him but it was actually the fear if what he'll see that stopped him.

He only closed his eyes for a minute only wanting a slight rest but that was quick to turn into a long slumber but that miracle turned sour as his body started to flinch and his rapid eye moments were frantic, his body thrashed around kicking the blankets off of him and he squirmed around.

The thing that woke you was when you came into contact with the ground the coldness and shock of the fall caused you to scream making him fling himself out of bed to your rescue but it took him a minute to figure out it was his doing that got you onto the floor.

He would profusely apologize and help you back into bed while cursing at himself in spanish as he took got back into bed, he would cuddle you whispering apologizes and praises while making internal promises to himself that he'll never sleep in your presence again afraid it would be worse next time "I'm so sorry mi amor I promise I'll get better"

[ddarker-dreams]

ive been reading way too much romance manga lately and all of them seem to have a wardrobe malfunction scene and I MUST to ask.,. sr reader having a wardrobe malfunction ?? their reactions like “I do not see I do not perceive” but internally screaming. thoughts? ponderings? musings even??

WAIT HOLD ON !! YOUR BRAIN IS HUGE !! there is nothing i love more than shojo tropes... scarlet ribbons would pair so well with them omg... i need to look up a list and start writing them for funsies <3

reader here is fem!

[Scarlet Ribbons Index]

Giorno

Giorno is stuck in the middle of an intense moral dilemma. If it’s just the two of you, he’d rather not embarrass you by pointing it out; he’d use his Stand to pull down your skirt on the sly. He doesn’t want you to think he’s been ogling you and that’s how he happened to notice the malfunction. In the moment, he’s honestly so concerned about navigating this with decorum that he forgets to get flustered. It isn’t until later when he lays down for the night that the weight of the situation hits him. He feels like he’s disrespecting you somehow by letting his thoughts wander and does his best to think about anything else, takes a cold shower and everything. Almost loses it on the spot when your Stand gives him a knowing thumbs up the following day. 

Bruno

Bruno is similar to Giorno where he prioritizes not wanting to make you uncomfortable in any way. While he’s trying to figure out what to do, he’ll be damned if he lets anyone wander into your general vicinity. He radiates the most ominous aura to keep others at bay. He fights every instinct in his body not to stare and admire the skin he isn’t used to seeing. Bruno already feels guilty for harboring romantic feelings for you in the first place, seeing as you’re his subordinate. This definitely isn’t helping. You’re over there smiling and making jokes while he’s struggling to remember how to breathe. Ends up shedding his blazer and throwing it over your shoulders, unable to take the stress any longer. The end of one crisis ends up inadvertently causing another. Bruno learns that day that he really likes how his clothes look on you. 

Fugo

Fugo starts sputtering, trying (and failing) to string together a coherent sentence. He’s landed in this situation a few times ever since you started rooming together, summer being especially dangerous. He honestly has no idea what to do with himself when you’re walking around in a tank top and short shorts. Ends up getting mad at you and your stupidly attractive body, but is even more upset with himself for how easily it riles him up. It’s just a little bit of skin, why can’t he control himself? He’s above such boorish behavior! Probably. You’re none the wiser to his tribulations and assume he’s just glaring at you because you forgot to take the trash out or something. Will only inform you of the malfunction if you’re planning to go out — he’s not letting anyone else get treated to such a view. Fugo ends up having to pantomime the issue to you because his tongue simply will not form words. He cannot look you in the eyes for the next few days. 

Mista

Mista is uncertain if this is a blessing from God or a trial from the devil. He’s being allowed to view a little glimpse of heaven, yet the cost is steep; what if you catch onto his staring and piece everything together? You’d probably write him off as a creep. Then his chances with you would be ruined forever unless you got hit with a memory-erasing Stand. It’s unusual for him to be perturbed by anything, he’s normally so relaxed. He would be if this was happening with literally anyone else but you. Since you’re involved, he needs to use like, tact or whatever. It’s rough. Eventually, he brings you close with an arm around your shoulders and whispers what the problem is. He’ll eagerly offer to help in any way you need it. 

Narancia

He goes to cover his eyes with his hands... but then splays his fingers so he can still see. Only a peek. You’ll find out what’s going on the fastest with him. Narancia just can’t keep his thoughts inside his head when you’re involved. It’s difficult to tell who is the most embarrassed between the two of you. He’s apologizing, you’re apologizing, it’s developing into quite the scene. It doesn’t help that he swears to stab anyone who walks by to preserve your honor. You have to convince him to put the knife away while readjusting your traitorous outfit. After the heat of the moment has passed, he dejectedly asks if you hate him now. Please reassure him that he did nothing wrong or he’ll be sad for ages. 

Abbacchio

Surprisingly has the most composed response somehow? He knows how the rest of his team gets when they’re around you, it’s like the caveman part of their brain takes over. Abbacchio likes to think he’s better than that. He’ll call you over and calmly explain what the issue is. He doesn’t beat around the bush but he’s not crude either. If you’re out and it’s something you can’t fix right away, he’ll offer to go buy you a hoodie or whatever. It might be a little mean of him to admit, but it’s kinda cute watching you get flustered over the whole ordeal. Though he’s nice enough not to tease you about it in the moment, expect him to bring it up every now and then whenever you start pestering him too much. 

[thornsinyoursides]

HELLLOOO EVERYONE this is my first fic here and time postin in a while! This will be a new series! Aka first one! After chatting with the handsome and amazing @riisume and seeing their oc maeve and chatting bout them I got inspired to write her meeting bell with their permission! Go give them a follow and enjoy

Bell in the foxes den part one

Bell had been arena fighting for some time now. The prize money’s nice, and it’s fun to cut loose! It’s a nice break from some heated mercenary work. Not that merc work was stressful for her it just gets boring after awhile. Besides, punching trees for training gets a tad old after the millionth time, so punching peoples a good break from that monotony.

She usually wins easily since her blood powers mean she can kick ass and regenerate quite quickly. She’s a crowd favorite since she always has fun kicking ass especially of someone cocky. However there was another reason she kept competing. Shed heard whispers of an amazing beautiful warrior who could give her a challenge. Nicknamed the bear or mommy maeve. Bell had been intrigued by her mentions. And hoped to one day fight her! ~~and maybe get her number~~

Then the day arrived that bell was matched up with maeve on the announcement thing. Shes ecastic! Finally a worthy foe! Finalky someone she can go all out on. Finally!…. Her thoughts stop when she sees her…… That hair, those eyes! Those ears! Those claws! That style! That figure! That smile! gorgeous… bells heart started beating. Damn it she was having a gay panic!

She pulls herself together and begins stretching cant pull a muscle thatd be painful…. and embarrassing. Then Maeve started approaching her direction. Huh thats weird. Why was..

**SHE WAS COMING DIRECTLY TO HER?** thankfully bell had mastered a poker face! She kept a cool demeanor and gave a cocky looking smirk. Internally she was freaking the fuck out. “Well well well! Maeve! Ive heard about ya! And May I say I get the feeling youre not gonna disappoint!” She says as internally she was thinking *oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck she smells nice! Her hair flows so amazingly I wish my hair was like that and not red. Those beautiful eyes damn it!!! Stop being so beautiful! Why are you getting close.*

Maeve not being an idiot and by the fact bell was pinching her arm could tell…. Bell was either nervous…. Or crushing hard. She gives a pleasant little grin to her opponent and did her usual flirty schtick “Hmm welll id hate to disappoint a pretty face.” And bell just went red at this, then before she could respond to her comment maeve did what she usually did and began feeling the opponents abs…. immediately she had the biggest and most immediate reaction shes ever seen. As if bells blush wasnt adorable enough she immediately began giggling and blushing like mad from the gentle traces, her knees buckling and was barely able to stand as she giggled adorably and softly, but loud enough to make maeves opinions on bells cuteness skyrocket.

Bell gently pushes her away , despite that display of giggles she didnt take a breath. Seems she has alot of energy. And is very ticklish… this was gonna be a fun match maeve though

Bell was so flustered she couldnt even speak just shooting maeve a blushy adoravle flustered glare like a puppy trynna be intimidating.

“Hmmm. Seems the red haired beauty blood mages tongues in the hands of a cat no?”maeve asks with a pleasant smile

Bell just blushed even more internally screaming that maeve was flirting witb her. … “Ill show you whos tongue is got when I kick your ass!” She says as if that comment makes… any sense

“Hmm… we’ll see ! I think youlk be having too hard a time laughing your beautiful head off.” Maeve says as flirtatious as ever

Bell blushed even mkre her face now as red as her hair. “I!!! … its not beautiful! Sh-shut up!” She says giving another flustered glare and crossing her arms

Maeve grinned cheekily “hmm No I know you are beautiful. That laugh and what I felt definitely are. AnywaySee you in the match cutey!” She says giving a littke wave before walking off to the arena..

Bell crosses her arms. Now fucking melting… was was she being genuine when she called her beautiful? No! Snap out of it dont let that distract you! You have a fight to win! She says thinking to herself while also thinking how nice it felt to giggle and smile openly like that…. Her hands also felt nice-… she grabs her forehead in gay frustration as she goes to fetch some water.

End of part 1 i hope you enjoy!! And thanks for reading!

[spitinsideme]

What are some other facts about you that we can know?

Like favorite color or what other hobbies you have besides art?

Which by the is amazing! Long live lesbians

Also you have great taste in food! kebabs are amazing middle eastern food is so good! You should try this dish called koobideh it’s the Persians take on a kebab and it’s so good!

you can literally ask me anything babygirl i will tell you all anything you so want to know !!! no questions are off limits 👍👍

my favoriitr colour is pink like jjst any pink, i used tobe really into padtel pink but now im just morr of a fan of like .. hot pink .. love a goof hot pink i want to see pink and have my eyes burn pink just id a reall cool colour !!! i omcr founf a pink hestt sharpener just on the floor durong a weddingw hich was weird ??? why wpuk someone brong a sharpener to the wedding ??? but whageve4 i toom it and its a really good sharpener honestlg .. pink is really cool i lime ot !!

my hobbbies arr honestly so on and off lime ive beem drawing everday for like what ? a over 2 months now o think ? i havr nrver held a hobby for thay long in my lifr !!! but yhe other hobbies i havr done arr limr .. i rrally enjoy making hoises and making furnitie ouy of cardboard i used to just work hours nonstop id foeget to eat, drink, do anything just literally sat gor hours working on making miniture cardboard sofas and cushions and tables and cabinets and even like functional drawers for tgem !!! thatwas so fun i made like 2 fully big houses with rooms and furniture !!!! all out of cardboard !! i love collecting cardboard ...

another hobbg i have is i would make little clay animals !! tbey wrre mever good, never like looked professionwl, they would chip and be cracked and look bad overall but i lloved them so much becaudr to me they were tiny animals i made who were.now basicslly silly creatures who i loved and held desr, i out them in the cardboard houses ... that was very fun

another hobby is that i like to.research fetishes and i dont really talk about it becayse i knw its kind of wekrd and odd !! jve been doing it sonce i was 12 becaude i jad this dream where shaggy from scooby doo tried and torture me and he tied me up and put a shock collar on me and in the dream k liked it ?? shaggu was so weirded out he literally just like stopped tortuning me he just kind of left me alone tied up but anyways i woke up and was like woah .... and from.then one ive been resesrching fetishes and kinks ever since !!! like . everythinf about them .. i have filled up about 3 notesbook literally full with facts about the fetishes, defintions, how it dtarts, psychology behind it, causes, my own theories, literally so much information because i am so obsessedwotb it i have to restarsin kyself every single time a kink os brought up i stsrt internally barkinga md screaming by a dog im hoding myself back on a leash otherwide i will just infodump about like bdsm or some shit and no oen wants to jesr the psychology behind bdsm

i willl abeolyrely try that dish out if i ever get the cha nce tgank byou !!

[konohamaru-sensei]

i was tagged by the lovely @lemony-snickers <3 thank youuuu!! <3

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

83

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

648.098

3. What fandoms do you write for?

According to my AO3 page that would be Naruto, Fairy Tail, JJK and One piece. Tho I have written for HQ and Bnha behind the scenes (for friends)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Private Tutoring - 627 (Naruto)

what the f-- is an isekai? - 445 (Naruto x JJK)

To build a home - 396 (Fairy Tail)

Fool for Love - 272 (Naruto)

Welcome to the Akatsuki! - 219 (Naruto)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

As often as possible. THere are times when I'm not doing so well and feel a little jaded and then I might just "mark them as read". But usually I leave them in my inbox for a long time before I do that to find it in me to reply. I want to reply to all of themf or sure.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

At the end of "MIrror Image" , that I set up like a Soulmate Au, Obito is dead like he is in canon. wampwamp

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I dont know which would be the happiest. PT maybe? My readers have to decide that. I usually write happy endings because I like them

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nope! I have gotten criticim very early on for a fic that I instantly delted and its been real quiet sinc then.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Oh yeah, a lot lately. I am not a kinky writer (I also dont really read it), so probably the... uh.. "vanilla" kind.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I wrote a Naruto x JJk crossver which blows me away at how popular it is. It was crazy fun so it doing well is a nice cherry on top.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Hopefully not Hahah

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, once I think.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! @butter--peanut and me collabed on a fic for the birthday of a friend :)

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

I flip flop around depending on hyperfixation, currently nothing makes me tingle with love as much as Fairy Tail's Jellal and Erza

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Started a reader insert story for Buddha from Record of Ragnarok after @kankuroplease and me endlessly talked about how hot he was, but I dont think that will ever lead anywhere lol

16. What are your writing strengths?

Hm. Set ups?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

My dialogues is usally pretty boring. Also I cant do action well at all.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Dont think Ive ever done that, though I can tell you that writing stories in German feels so hard now that I've written so much English.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

When I was 13 I was really into german boybands but if you mean fandom in the more international sense then I started writing Naruto fic in 2008.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Giving you 3 for each of the main fandoms that matter:

Fairy Tail: Innocence dies screaming

Naruto: Hymn for the missing

JJK: The Six Eyed

Both latter two are rather old and probably could use a rewrite, but I very much love them for how they came to be.

I havee nobody to tag so ill taaaaaaaag @butter--peanut aand @akamikazae

[topgunruinedme]

Twisted

Synopsis: Jake needs support after their mission, is he did what he did best. He called in his best friend, but after a tragic accident. Javy might lose the two most important people in his life. Car crash TW

Jake remembered it vividly. Maybe it was a punishment.

He remembered getting two weeks approved leave, he remembered buying Alice a ticket. He had missed his best friends so much, he needed her after their mission. He remembered her throwing her arms around him when she landed and how they laughed at each others horrible singing.

He remembered thinking it was odd that there was a moving light on the wrong side of the road. He remembered look over to her at the intersection and watching her smile with the waves in the background.

He remembered pulling forward, he remembered seeing the lights suddenly come closer.

He remembered the bang that surrounded him causing a ringing in his tears. The collision causing his body to jerk and his head hit the window.

He felt something hit him, his vision was bleary he could hear yelling. His chest hurt.

He remembered reaching out blindly for her, the tilt of the car as it slid from the road. The sound of the car twisting, turning, tumbling as it slid down the side of the mountain. Trees snapping, rocks breaking. Things flying in the chair, he remembered thinking she was an angle when time slowed and her hair floated around her peacefully.

He remembered falling asleep. Someone was talking to him, someone was screaming.

Someone was moving, the car creaked. “Jake” the despite call, “Jake please”.

He remembered when he opened his eyes he was surrounded by white and sterile smell, he turned his head heavily his body full with pain. His eyes met hers form the other stretcher, she reached out to him his finger tips brushed hers as they were pulled away.

Bring her back.

He remembered someone pulling on his dog tags and something about “calling it in”.

He remembered the pain, the horror of potentially loosing his best friend. The woman he’s known since birth, who had been by his side every day since.

He remembered waking up in a hospital room, the silent drip of his IV and the soft beep of his heart monitor. His hand slipping around the call button before falling back into unconsciousness, unaware of the doctor who stoves moments later.

What he didn’t remember was the panic on base, when it was reported to Maverick that Jake was in a crustal car accident. He didn’t remember Javy go pale at the mention of a woman in the car witht him, “Alice” he whispered in horror.

He didn’t remember Maverick cancel lessons as they call rushed to the hospital, he didn’t remember them all spending hours in the waiting room to hear news.

“Alice Newman, I’m her next of kin” Javy told the nurse, she gave him a sad look. “Would you come to the consulting room for the doctor”, Javy looked deviated, that could only mean one thing.

He didn’t remember Javy internal panic as he stepping into the room with the doctor afraid he was going to be told his little sister was dead. He didn’t remember that Javy only person he could get support form was laying in a hospital bed.

He didn’t remember the pure shock on Javy face when the doctor told him the knees “she’s what?”

He didn’t remember the weeks it took for him to wake up. Her didn’t remember her sitting by his side in worry that her friend wouldn’t wake up.

But he remembered waking up to a warm hand holding his, he remembered the pure relief at seeing her smile again.

He remembered waking up surrounded by his aviators, his family.

He remembered she’d leaning over and whispering the best thing he ever could have asked for in his ear, “Im pregnant”.

[dyinggoosenoises]

I know the last ones blue but here’s the ask for every question

:DDD yay!!

📷 What’s set as your phone’s lockscreen?

it says [lesbian panic] on a peach/pink background. its a heartstopper reference

🍫 Cheese or chocolate?

chocolate definitely, i dont like cheese

✨ Do you have any nicknames?

i have a couple, but they all have my name in them so i cant share them

🎵 Last song you listened to?

dial drunk - noah kahan

✏️ Have you ever written fanfiction?

nope

😏 Are you on discord?

yep

💛 Do you have any piercings?

yeah, both my ears are pierced

🐰 What do you think says the most about a person?

um. idk.

🍪 If you were a cookie, what kind would you be?

oatmeal chocolate chip 😌

🐶 Are you more of a dog person or a cat person?

cat person, but i love dogs too

🎧 Headphones or earbuds?

earbuds (with wires)

🌼 What’s the last thing you said out loud?

'love you too' to my cat when she bit me

🙃 What’s a weird fact that you know?

yesterday was the national day of remembrance and action on violence against women

🦉 Are you a morning person or a night owl?

night owl

🧸 Favorite place to nap?

i dont nap often but probably my bed

🏳️‍🌈 Are you a member of the LGBTQIA+ community?

yeah, im a genderqueer possibly demisexual lesbian

🦋 Describe yourself in three words.

hate, this, question

👖 Jeans or sweatpants?

sweatpants are always superior, theyre just so comfy

🥤 What’s your go-to Starbucks order?

i dont drink starbucks, but my drink order at tims is a medium steeped tea, one milk, one sugar

🧡 A color you can’t stand?

mustard yellow

💎 What’s your most prized possession?

my stuffed rabbit that ive had since i was born

☕ Coffee or tea?

tea obviously, coffee is gross

🦖 Favorite extinct animal?

the dodo bird :]

🌙 How long have you been on tumblr?

since march of this year

🌴 Desert island item?

swiss army knife

🐸 Describe your aesthetic.

uh. idk what my aesthetic is

🔮 What’s your dream job?

psychologist

💙 Relationship status?

taken by the most wonderful amazing beautiful perfect person in the whole world <3

🌿 Describe your favorite outfit.

these really comfy grey sweatpants, my internal screaming shirt, and my blue banff hoodie

🎤 Is there a song you know all the lyrics to?

i know all the lyrics to most of the songs i listen to, but i think the most impressive one is that i know all the lyrics of the entirety of hamilton

🤎 What color is your hair?

light brown

💌 Do you talk to yourself?

only in my head

💄 Do you wear makeup?

only on special occasions like a wedding or something

🌸 Best compliment you ever received?

i love all the compliments i get but one that i really remembered was when my friend told me i had nice eyebrows soooo......

💞 @ your favorite blog.

this will come to no surprise @idontliketomatoesleavemealone <3333

[wonderswritings]

When Worlds Collide 2: Consequences of Action

Summary: In the past year, you’d suffered more than you’d ever could’ve imagined. Now, after a relative moment of peace, it seems trouble has started once more, and you’re dragged into it. The multiverse is real, and with it, possibilities of a new life. 

Warnings: No Way Home Spoilers, Multiverse of Madness Spoilers, Angst, Lost Memories, Unrequited Feelings

Pairings: TASM!Peter Parker x Fem!Stark!Reader (nicknamed Mel read book 1 to find out why)

AO3

When Worlds Collide Masterlist

Opening the door, Peter wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but he wasn’t expecting to see you floating in the air, your hands resting on your knees, your powers spreading throughout the room, feeding into the scenes floating around the room. He crept closer, looking around at the different floating scenes. Making his way towards the closest scene, his eyes widened when he saw a younger you strapped down to a table, screaming. He looked around, seeing five other scenes, each of them multiplied around the room. The wisps of your powers grew brighter, drawing Peter’s attention to you. Your eyes were open, encased in a draw, purple glow. He tried to make his way to you, but your powers forced him back, causing him to lose his footing as the ground shook. Shakingly he stood up, raising his voice.

“YN! YN please, listen to my voice! You need to snap out of it!”

Slowly you turned towards him, your powers growing a darker shade and Peter’s heart started to race as his spidey sense started to go off. It’d never gone off around you, and he prepared to fight when parts of the already broken ceiling caved, windows shattering. He ducked when there was a bright flash, a loud booming sound causing his ears to ring as he was knocked back. Rolling onto his front, his forehead pressed to the ground, he took a few deep breaths. His ribs hurt, and as he ran a hand along them, he figured they were bruised but not broken. He groaned as he slowly pushed himself up so he was kneeling. He looked around, his eyes widening. You were nowhere to be seen, the floating memories were gone too, and the place was practically destroyed. He shook his head as stood, his voice breaking as he called out for you.

“YN! YN!”

He walked to the middle of the room where you had floated, seeing the burned scorched marks on the ground. He yanked his mask off as he fell to his knees, tears streaming down his face.

Slowly blinking to, you groaned as you tried to sit up, only to fall back with a thud. You made a face, turning your head to the side, feeling something moving across your forehead. You tried to lift your hand, but found you couldn’t, and glancing down you saw your wrists were tied down. You tried to move your legs, only to feel something holding them down too.

“Ah, you are awake.” You turned your head to the side, watching as a man walked towards you.

“You are an interesting creature, very interesting indeed.”

He stopped next to you, looking down at you.

“Tell me, what are you?”

You said nothing, clenching your jaw as you glared at him, causing him to grin as he nodded.

“Very well, we have methods to make you talk.”

He turned, and you watched him until you could no longer see him, a pulsing pain in the back of your head.

The table was cold beneath you, but your blood was burning. The electricity coursing through you mixed with whatever concoction they’d mix in the IV left you in a constant state of pain. Slowly turning your head, you looked over at the man in white, your voice cracking. “Ple- please let me go.” The man in white simply stared at you, not even bothering to turn as he addressed the intern next to him. “Raise the voltage.” “Sir, if we do that it may kill her.” If you could’ve, you would’ve jumped at the sound of a gun firing, it rang through your ears, but it didn’t last as the pain in your head grew stronger.

You were gone. It’d been a week. A week since you were here, in his apartment, in his world. The day you’d left, he stayed in the warehouse for hours, hoping that you’d return by some miracle, but you never did. He’d gone back to the warehouse, hoping to find something that could lead him to what’d happened, but there was nothing. The windows that had broken and the parts of the ceiling that’d caved in were fixed. Even the scorch marks were gone. It was like you were never even here. But Peter had a nagging feeling, something he couldn’t shake, telling him that something wasn’t right.

“She is deteriorating fast. She’ll be dead within a couple of hours.”

The man hummed, walking closer to where you laid. He stopped next to you, running his fingers along the side of your face.

“She fights on two fronts. But she is strong.”

“Two fronts, sir?”

The man nodded, glancing at the monitor that showed two different colored wavelengths.

“She fights in her mind.”

He pointed towards the red wavelength, slightly grinning.

“Her mind is strong.”

“But her body isn’t. If we continue to push her like this, then she will die, whether her mind is strong or not.”

The man scoffed, shaking his head as we walked towards the controls, slowly pushing the lever up.

“She will survive.”

Gasping, you jumped up, your eyes wide as your chest heaved.

“Whe- where am I?”

Sitting up, you looked around, making a face. You weren’t in the same room as before, you weren’t even in a room. You were in a bright, white hall, doors on either side, a dark purple door at the end where the hall turned dark. You stood slowly, shaking your head as you looked down, noticing your clothes weren’t in tattered pieces. And after lifting your shirt and pulling your sleeves up, you noticed the wounds you’d sustained were gone. 

“What the hell?”

You looked around, not seeing a way out. Whatever this place was, there was no way out and you were stuck here, alone.

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[actualbird]

Once again I have just woken up and saw a new fic from you and read it and I am going to Scream

God the basement incident. Reading about it in the game felt like getting hit by a ton of bricks and reading your interpretation of the events that led up to it feels worse. I hate how well you conveyed the slowly growing tension and worry as Giann realises Marius is missing and can't find him anywhere. God, the kids who did it were so young too. At most 10 years old and already having nearly killed one of their cousins. I never realised how horrifying the implications were until now.

I really like the ice and cold theme that's present throughout the fic. While Marius was hit with the physical sensation of the coldness of the basement, it manifests in Giann as his mental state. It's such a good way to show how that incident impacted them both and tie Giann's feelings back to that incident in a more tangible way. The chill of that basement never really left him, even though it's been long enough for the seasons to change and to be outwardly warm.

Giann shouldering all of this on his own bevause of how busy his father is...Man

Bringing in Giann and Marius' mom too oh my god the way he feels like he failed her because he failed to protect and take care of Marius in that incident and now needs to make up for it...

That last paragraph hurts so much knowing that Giann is missing now. How must he be feeling, knowing that he once again can't be there for his brother when he needs him?

God this fic hurt so much, I think this might be the most angst I've read from your work since "and I feel my past regrets slipping into present tense". Excellent fic, I love your portrayal of Giann so much and I love the way you wrote about how the basement incident impacted him. Honestly, this might be one of my favourite fics you've written.

🌌

wAAHHH good morning milkyway, thank you for reading "growing pains"!!! for a balanced breakfast, get a healthy heap of....angst.

JHVJSDHVFKHSDF

but gosh thank u so much for this ask, im so glad the pain managed to hit hard since it’s been quite a while since i last stretched my angst writing muscle (and my fic writing muscle in general OTL) so im rlly relieved to be seeing the emotionally devastated comments cuz phew thank god….ive still got it….. ;w;

hashing out the more specific details of how i imagined The Basement Incident was really interesting for me to do! all marius says in canon is along the lines of “a few older kids trapped me there as a prank” and “they were probably tired of seeing how everyone paid attention to me like planets orbiting the sun” and like. how much older is older. it cant be that old, because unthinking jealousy like that is such childish playground bully behavior. they were kids too, not really understanding the consequences of their actions

i actually cut a scene that was in my outline where like, those three kids who trapped marius in there were crying in the commotion once the ambulance came and once the Gravity of what happened set in. i cut it out for pacing reasons and for “giann, in that moment, would not care or notice them at all” reasons.

…..funfact: this is actually the fic where i think i did the most ever cutting of scenes and lines i first put down.

i wanted to be a little bit more restrained in how i wrote this? like, before i sent it to my girlfriend for editing, there were way more lines in the flashbacks further describing the “cold” of the setting and marius’ hypothermia, more paragraphs detailing giann’s experience of guilt, etc. i took em out. not rlly for the express benefit of the fic exactly, but i just wanted to try a “less is more” approach for once to see how it’d feel.

my verdict there is it’s super fun, results in a “muted” kind of reading experience that fit well here. the connections make themselves. it doesnt come to me as naturally as my more ramble internal monolog heavy shtick (i needed to look at my first draft for a whole afternoon just wondering what i wanted to axe JHKJHFSD) but it’s definitely a kind of technique i wanna try practicing more

writing process rambles aside, oh my gosh. “I think this might be the most angst I've read from your work since "and i feel my past regrets slipping into present tense” ” this is high praise to me since that fic is still one that i consider my most miserable piece in this fandom jvkJVJHFVKSDH

thank you so much for the lovely comment, milkyway!!! it’s always such a delight to see your thoughts and im so happy you liked this fic :’D

[probablynot-john]

Can I hear more about ‘Benefits and Disadvantages of Insomnia’, please? ♥️

I will happily oblige my dear aquatince! (Seriously you are one of my favorite blogs. Your art style and writing are amazing, and this is the best day ever)

"Kallus?"

Oh shit Draven was looking at him. Damn he must have fell asleep with his eyes open again.

"Yes sir" he answered with limited hesitation.

"Excellent. So, Kallus will give the presentation tomorrow on th the updates of base securities. That concludes today's business, dismissed. "

Fuck. Kallus screamed internally. Shit ass bitch tits fuck. It's fine, this is fine. He's just panicking because he's running on his fourth straight day of not sleeping. Of course, tomorrow will be his fifth straight day without sleeping because now he has to prepare a presentation. Honestly, cramming on a last minute project is way more in his comfort zone than anything else he's been doing since he's arrived on Yavin IV (not that he ever left things to the last minute, in school and work he always put in way more effort than required, working up untill the last minute).

At breakfast the next morning, Zeb was not entirely surprised to find him still at his desk. Shortly after arriving here, Zeb had decided (reluctantly) that he and Kallus would have breakfast together. There were a few reasons for this. But after the first week (and he was flaberghasted to realize this), he just did it because he enjoyed Kal's company. He tried to hide it under all that imperial conditioning, but kallus was actually funny in a dry, sarcastic kinda way. Once, he had mentioned that he had a pet tooka growing up, leading Zeb to ask, "Did you adopt your tooka?" To which Kallus responded "no he was my biological tooka." Without a trace of mockery or humor in his voice.

For the most part Kallus had been pretty consistent in keeping their breakfast arrangement. It's possible that he didn't totally realize that he had a choice in the matter.

To say he looked like shit was an understatement. He looked like his muscles and flesh were about to liquefy and fall off his bones and splat on the ground in an oozing puddle of kallus.

And that's all you get for now! Once I get my laptop back I'll finally finish it and post it on ao3

[euphor1a]

heyyyy, ive been meaning to ask you this but idk why i didn't until now🙃, lol anw since you posted that anon hour thingie im just gonna ask: which kpop idol is *actually* your type?? fr who would you date irl👁️👄👁️

your stan list is hefty(lol i check your carrd randomly sometimes it's so pretty)so im v curious

Ahhhh interesting question 😳!! I have never really thought about it, but y’know, sometimes (more than sometimes tbh) I’m watching a video and someone does something and internally I’m just going “hmm I think I’d actually date this guy” or “damn I think I’m in love is he maybe looking for a wife or something” 🧍🏽‍♀️

Skshksjk anyway, I made a whole ass list. Because yes. You might find it suprising at some points but not really... idk 🤡

bts: hobi (... he’s so hubby material it huRTS 😭! have you ever noticed how fucking caring and understanding this man is? and the way he’s so passionate? he’s so attractive 😔 also his vibe is top tier I LOVE IT SM GAHHHH >.< it’s like an instant mood lifter) + jk (pretty sure no one is surprised that i’m picking him, but 🥺 he’s so boyfriend shaped 🥺, and god, i can’t explain in short but i adore everything about him to bits ☹️, you can go through my tag for him and see the embarrassing ass posts i make about him if you wanna know more. PLS DON’T ACTUALLY, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR)

txt: binnie (i’m aware that i rarely scream about him so let me just— OH MY GOD CHOI SOOBIN IS LITERALLY MY IDEAL TYPE 😭?? i love quiet and shy people who are actually unhinged once they get comfortable, because guess what i’m exactly the same 🤠! we can be introverted clowns together and i’d love him so bad 🤧! i’ll probably be whiny and pouty all the time and i just know that he’s the type of boyfriend who pouts back and then kisses you. KICKING MY FEET WHY DID I IMAGINE THAT FUCJNSSS)

svt: gyu (the male-wife agenda is real you guys 😔!!! he’s a soft giant™ type of guy :( also his vibe??? idk bro something about enfjs 🥲, i feel so drawn to whatever he does. and he’s really fucking tall and buff, which are such a BONUS, because for some reason i really like the thought of being carried around in the house, especially if i’m tired or sleepy. so yeah. would climb 10/10. cuddles for life. size kink go brrrr. big boobs so i can hide from all the scary things in his chest. also i love him so very much and it hurts. ok that is enough simping) + dino (ah... love me a guy who can make me laugh to the point i feel like i’m gonna die because i haven’t breathed in the past 40 seconds. another enfj too :') i just know i’d be the happiest girl on earth with him. he’s so attractive??? and his personality??? and when he laughs???? and he’s so honest about how he feels :( *falls in love and breaks a limb*) + cheol (look me in the eye and tell me that he isn’t TOP TIER HUSBAND MATERIAL. i. dare. you. if he cares about you, you’re gonna be his top priority and i stan that shit so hard. he actually makes me feel like a 14 y/o who has developed a crush on someone for the first time 😭)

enha: park jongseong (🛐🛐🛐 he regularly makes my expectations for a partner reach new heights and i’m not exactly a fan of it. LIKE??? DUDE DON’T DO THAT I’M GONNA DIE SINGLE🧍🏽‍♀️??? ugh god he’s so :((( totally the type to hug you from the back as a surprise and then kiss any bare skin he can find in your shoulder/neck area. also, the type to bury his nose there and inhale your scent because he associates you with home— NOW TELL ME WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF 😭😭😭😭)

&team: kei (the irl disney prince i deserve!!! 🥺 throughout &audition he tightened his grip around my heart so badly... i legit get heart flutters whenever he appears on screen. he’s so exceptionally thoughtful and caring 😭, and his energy is so intoxicating! i love it, it makes me smile all the time! can’t wait for his debut 🥺)

skz: chan (do i really need to explain?? this man makes me feel such a wide range of emotions. a big heart with a big... nose and so goddamn boyfriend??? i love him. and ngl, it feels like he walked straight out of a romance webtoon. chan is very supportive of everyone too, it’s kinda crazy? i adore him 😞)

atz: yunho (this guy... i’d commit arson for him. he’s my honeybun, sugarplum, cuppycake, gumdrop etc. etc. you get it 🥺🤧😭!! i love him so much fuck i know i’m repeating the same shit over and over for everyone but yunho is so precious oh my god 😭!! soft boyfie :(( my heart aches for him, and!! yes i do the cooking, yes i do the cleaning 🤠👏🏼 *is that enough for a ring?*)

— “ anon hour ☁️ ” + send me an ask!

[tyrannosylasrex]

I forgot this is my personal blog as well and I can just vent So anyway,

TW//: under the cut are mentions of hospitals, ovaries, blood, surgery, vomit, suicide, whatever.

SO i tried going to bed at like 3 AM last friday. But my mission to eepytown was interrupted drastically by the worst stabbing pain in my lower abdomen that I'd Ever felt in my life. But I'm a stubborn son of a bitch, so I figured Ahhh It'll pass on it's own! Maybe it's just a fart!

it wasn't a fart.

After about two hours of squirming and groaning in pain, I took a buttload of painkillers and called my mom. She came running to my room immediately and called the emergency services. Meanwhile, I was busy spewing out the contents of my stomach. Including the painkillers. So I was back to square one.

Guess What The Emergency Fucking Services told us??

"Yeah nah just take some painkillers lol we can't do much for u now"

BITCH YOU COULD'VE PICKEd me UP. AND GAVE ME. SOMETHING STRONGER THAN FUCJING PARACETAMOL

We called back.

"Ah ye just try a suppository then!"

I was ready to kill them.

I didn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. My mom didn't sleep, she stayed with me the whole time, until the hospital opened and then she immediately drove me there.

The car ride was agonising. The waiting room was agonising. Hell, existence was agonising. I had two options in my head at that point. Either someone fucking helps me Right Now or I'll off myself somehow. I was in too much pain.

Finally, our doctor calls us and we go to their room so she can examine me.

SHE DOES AN INTERNAL EXAMINATION. HER FINGRS. GO INSIDE. MY [clown honk]. I SCREAMED IN PAIN. HOLY SHIt I HATED HER AT THAT MOMENT.

Anyway, she told us to rush to the emergency department. So we did. More questions, tests, etc. Sent off to gynaecology after receiving a very relieving injection of morphine (i'm gonna kiss the nurse who gave me that shit thank you so much)

ULTRASOUND :D WITH A ROD :D INSIDE MY [clown noise] more screaming.

They found a large cyst. I was admitted. I finally got a comfy bed and some IV fluids (i still couldn't hold down even one sip of water)

Hours pass. Have you ever been in excruciating pain while also being horribly exhausted? It's so fucking weird. You're writhing in pain yet simultaneously half-falling asleep.

OH and by the way, I hadn't eaten anything yet since dinner the night before. And now I wasn't allowed to, cuz I needed surgery.

I spent a total of 15 hours in agonising pain, some of which were soothed mildly by IV painkillers, until I finally got wheeled into the OR where they put me under for a laparoscopy. Pretty sure I told the surgeons to sleep tight when they put me under..

After only about an hour and a half, I woke up again as they were rolling me back to a room. I was immediately asking questions about the surgery, how it went, what they saw, what my insides look like, man I don't even know I was still out of it from the anaesthesia, but I was clearly Very Interested.

I was finally pain free. Apart from the surgical wounds, but that's a pain I could totally deal with compared to what I had.

Turns out, that large cyst they saw, (a very bloody one apparently) caused an ovarian torsion. My ovary had twisted. That's what hurt so much. What the hell, I didn't even know ovaries could do that. I'd heard about testicular torsion before but not ovarian.

Anyway, I could finally sleep and eat and I no longer had to puke. The next day, at around 2pm, I was discharged. I immediately rented a wheelchair so I could catch a glimpse of the pride parade that was going on in my town lol.

Jesus christ. What a weekend.

[httpiastri]

hi jackie im back and im here to yap

also this entire thing is really disorganised (just a warning)

pepe’s 187 seems short?? 😭😭😭😭😭 also im pretty sure 187 is very recent bc this redbull driver database was updated early this year before the f2 season started (sorry ive realised how insane i must be to know this but i can’t tell if i agree with the measurements because sometimes i think pepe and ollie should be around 190?? minimally!!)

also the girl who edited pepe to guilty as sin is literally so sweet omg 😭😭 ill def make my own pepe playlist soon bc i need it for myself—don’t know if ill ever share it (although i do listen to so much international music from asia, europe, and literally everywhere else so it might be a pretty disorganised mess)

i saw pepe’s pics this morning when i woke up and i ACTUALLY screamed/squealed out loud and now i realise it’s the stubble/facial hair (i kinda think it’s way past the stubble point but regardless of what it is, i love it so so much)

omg also youre so right about liking when pepe shows emotions?? i love him being all soft and sweet but i also want to see him salty and upset and angry like idk i find it so very attractive when i am reminded that he is human?? idk if that makes any sense but i love it when people are raw and so so genuine with their emotions and i also love when he talks about stuff i barely know about because i love intelligence and i love him

and omg feeling guilty about not using the resources you have is so so real 😭😭 my parents are first gen immigrants and im the first child and so i feel so guilty because of how privileged i am compared to my cousins and stuff, especially since i live in one of the strongest academic countries but am still so lazy at times 😕😕 ESPECIALLY since ive had more opportunities than the average student academically because i was gifted but now im there’s so much guilt surrounding not going the mainstream and highest pathway BUT OMG your sport i completely forgot about that but don’t you coach kids or something?? i feel like i have a vv faint recollection of that because i used to follow you from my old blogs but i’m not too sure 🤨🤨 still isn’t it so cool how so many seemingly insignificant things can suddenly turn into such a big part of your life one day?? i find that concept so cool to think about all the time (like in my un-anonymous ask a while ago i mentioned what i was studying and… i used to be so invested in those themes? like it was never serious, i just dabbled in it here and now my career plans kindaaa differ from what’s expected in this field of study but its cool that im getting to experience what i used to imagine for fun and it’s also sort of led me to consider this career path that MANY childhood friends/people who knew me used to think i’d go into, even though i never once mentioned or even considered it)

i believe in karma too!! i think that if you are a kind person and do things with the best of intentions then that will be exactly what is reflected in every aspect of your life. i am also a strong believer that pepe WILL do well for the rest of this season, from this race onwards. i also have such a good feeling about monaco, and it’s not just because of all the pepe content that’s been put out recently… i think 🫣🫣

omg i remember you complaining (?? pls forgive me i have no other word choice rn) about how he didn’t get a penalty, and i also cannot remember if he did end up with a penalty… but i don’t think he did? so maybe he’s just serving unnecessary penalties from last year idk but it’s def his time now!!

and thank you so so much for always replying to my asks!! please don’t feel bad about replying late 😓😓 because it’s vv understandable if you’re busy and you really shouldn’t force yourself to answer asks when you’re tired! take care of yourself jackie, and i’m wishing you a lovely day tomorrow!! 💗💗

- 🪷

hello darling !!! very happy that you wanted to come and yap for me <3

SJDFHDK I KNOW ITS NOT SHORT BUT LIKE 😭 it seems short for him? like to me he seems like suchhh a long boyyo?? thoughhhh im just now realizing that he's taller than my older brother..... but okay let me explain my reasoning: in my head 187 isn't super tall because in the handball world (the world i live in), 187 is like kinda average? the guy i used to crush on is a little over 2 meters 😶 and he wasn't the tallest in the team 😶 but yeah tbh it seems reasonable that they updated it kinda recently. but pleaseeee update the f2 f3 websites ☹️

omg... if you do end up wanting to share it, i will definitely be obsessed...... i have been listening to ☄️ anons pepe playlist way too often to not be super embarrassed over it 😭 but like certain songs come on and i just catch myself blushing on the street because im thinking about pepe and... yeah...... 🙃 and omg don't worry about it being disorganised, a broad music taste is the best one 🥰

yeah it was definitely more than a stubble but am i complaining?? actually not (which surprises even me) 🥰 i currently have a very big obsession with just the thought of his stubbe/beard/whatever... just touching it? don't need to be shaving it? kissing him and feeling it slightly rub me and getting to jokingly complain just to see his cute smile and hear his pretty laughter??? y e s

" idk i find it so very attractive when i am reminded that he is human??" !!!!!!!!!!!! agreed 10000%!!! i love it when drivers have emotions that arent just happy or "well something bad happened, shit happens", and especially pepe. and idk it's something about the extreme contrast abt him? because when he's happy then he's so happy, big smiles and sweet giggles. but when he's upset.... 🫠 and omfg you're SO right about him talking abt racing stuff or yes just stuff i don't really get, because intelligence is SO HOT 😁 i could listen to him talk abt racing for hours and hours and never get bored

ahhhh i see i see !!! i relate to you sooo much... i made it through like all of my years of school just by luck and always managing to get good grades even though i didn't put in a lot of effort? but in my later years, as soon as something got a little hard or i didn't fully like it, i just bailed 😶 even though im so lucky to have all of these opportunities.... :/

but yes i do coach kids hehe 🥺 cute that you remembered 🥺 speaking of that, the fact that i became a coach in the first place was kind of just a coincidence aswell, and now six years later it's one of the biggest things in my life and i'll (hopefully) be studying coaching in the fall and just !! crazy how life works out sometimes 🥺 (the guy who brought me into coaching actually passed away recently and on his funeral i cried much more than i ever thought i would because i realized that i owe him like my entire life... idk what i would be doing today without him..... and he probably had no idea how much he changed my life 😭 idk kinda off topic but also not)... but yes it's indeed very cool!!! and like u said, like when people think stuff of/for you that you don't rlly think about yourself but one day you're just..... oh

yes yes 100%!! i love showing the girls i coach about karma, like whenever we do something kind and then get instant karma for it i'm like "girls look! we did a good thing, now we get rewarded!! 😁" (im making it sound like they're 5 years old when in reality they're 15 oop-), and this one time when i did something pretty bad we all got bad karma all weekend......... 😶 and ik this was aimed at the monaco weekend buT the next race!!!! a good result in barcelona will feel so much better now considering these last few rounds so im okay with this. i know it will happen 🥰

sjdghkdh complaining is an okay word choice because i was upset about a lot of things that weekend 😭 (though mostly during the sunday-) but no i don't think he got one either? it was probs the teams fault so im sure they got a fine etc? but yeah that could be an explanation 😭 100% about to be his time!!!!

thank you so so so much for sending me asks!!!! no but i will feel bad anyway because i do love writing answers but when i answer so late, it seems like i don't enjoy it? when in reality i love it so much??? idk i just feel so guilty and 😭 im so sorry. but thank you again for keeping on sending in asks!!!!! truly makes my day every time <3 take care of yourself too, hope you have a lovely rest of this week ❤️

[granhairdo]

how does one go about getting into carriage driving? (specifically in the states?)

oh boy oh boy someone’s joining the cult

(this is about light horse sport driving (combined driving), sports like draft pulling, standardbred racing, and pony cart driving all have their own info)

first, you want to learn the basic rules so you can know what you’re even watching. combined driving is built on the format of mounted eventing (another horse sport) made up of three events (dressage, cross country, and show jumping) I highly recommend you read up on eventing as a lot of it shares similarities. however, driving is heavily altered, but the purpose of the events the same, and driving a carriage instead of being on the horses back. this video by the fei (international equestrian federation) gives a good explanation on the basic rules of competitive driving.

however I didn’t think the dressage part was explained well in case anon isn’t a horse person. so I recommend you watch this video on mounted dressage, as it’s very similar

the marathon is supposed to model cross country and cones is supposed to model showjumping

once you get the basic rules, the fei website has even more rules listed to get to the details, but now I highly recommend you just watch it! it makes way more sense as you watch. this is a VERY good time to be getting into it as fei’s driving season is just starting and nothing is really ranked out yet. since there isn’t any events currently going on, I highly recommend you watch old runs of world equestrian games and the fei driving world cup (best is if you find a tape of the 1994 world equestrian games driving rounds, that’ll get you on the edge of your seat) but after watching a few competitions, it all makes sense.

if you end up liking it and want to see more, follow the fei youtube channel!!! they livestream most of their competitions, including driving, and this is how you start following the international leagues. the schedule of competitions is here and here’s the current top 10 drivers as of today

boyd exell is probably the most famous driver of modern times, but if you want to cheer for my guy, koos de ronde all the way!!!!

but as you watch you’ll start developing favorites and that’s when it gets exciting, screaming at the tv for your favorite and flooding the livestream chat with hearts.

they compete in the states fairly frequently despite being mostly european drivers, it is an international league after all. ive been to a few fei driving competitions and it is… exhilarating.

this is a great time to start watching as the season is just getting started. it just makes sense after some time

also it’s not pro but check out your local county and state fairs for driving competitions!!! I used to run the fair circuit and it was so fun and exciting. it’s also a good way to make connections if you ever want to learn to drive yourself

have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[the-new-hip-priest]

I just heard the phone call Kobee Huddy made to the mental health crisis line before he was shot by police. I want to cry and scream and beat politicians over the head. The absolute callous, uncaring response from the specially trained nurse juxtaposed with Kobee’s genuine effort to seek help is almost too much to handle.  Kobee Huddy was a 20-year old man living with significant mental health issues. While experiencing an intense episode of suicidal ideation after a bout of self-harm, he did exactly what he had been advised to do and called the mental health triage line. He had just been released from hospital the night before after having self-inflicted wounds stitched up and tended to. He calmly and politely explained his situation - that he was doing very poorly at the moment and desperately needed some support or advice, noting that there was currently blood dripping all over the bathroom. He was dismissed repeatedly, as the nurse explained how it wasn’t appropriate for the triage line to be his go-to support option, how she doesn’t have a magical wand to cure him, how there was really nothing she could do to help him, and how it’s up to him to simply ‘stop self-harming’.  A record of this phone call is available here. Obvious trigger warnings. After this heartless dismissal, Kobee called the police and asked them to come, “for bloodshed”. The operator noted that this was all being recorded. Kobee called back a short time later to say that he had a gun and wanted to shoot cops. At this point, police were dispatched. When a single officer, Sgt. Mead, arrived he mistakenly believed that Kobee was holding a shotgun. In actuality, he had a knife. Kobee began to back away from the police while holding the knife but made two or three sudden steps at which point Mead shot him once, directly in the chest. It has since been revealed that sergeant Mead did not have an up-to-date taser licence and was supposedly waiting for back-up officers to arrive with tasers. When Kobee fell to the ground, he apologised to Mead. Kobee passed away in hospital two hours later, aged 20. 

I spent the majority of 20s trying my absolute hardest to get into the mental health field. It’s the only ‘calling’ I’ve ever felt in life, and the only occupation beyond mechanical turk work/medical data entry that I truly believe I would excel in (I can type 110 word per minute, autism is my super power, etc). I’ve been taught by, treated by, and worked alongside, some notable figures in Australian mental health research and the development of recovery programs. I’m the perfect candidate for mental health peer worker positions except they no longer teach the course in my state. The same applies to drug and alcohol addiction courses. Furthermore, there is a gigantic entry barrier into the industry. Certificate IV’s and Diplomas get you absolutely nowhere. In fact, I think it’s horrifically cruel to still offer the courses when the powers that be know damn well that there are zero employment opportunities at the end. It’s a nice addition to further education if you’re already in the field but otherwise absolutely useless for someone trying to break into the industry.  I take my hat off to psychology students - it’s long, gruelling, and almost always involves completely uplifting your life and moving to buttfuck nowhere to complete placement, often while living beneath the poverty line. I’ve read my far share of stories of people who desperately tried to finish their degree but had to stop because the very requirements of the course drastically effected their own mental health. However, I would rather be treated by someone with years of experience as a mentally ill person and who has dealt with the system internally, instead of a fresh-faced uni graduate who is excellent at compiling mathematical data in relation to medication trials, but has absolutely no idea how to talk to a suicidal person. This country is in the midst of a mental health crisis, particularly in regard to our young people, yet these systemic barriers are still in place. I have absolutely every skill necessary to talk with someone like Kobee, but I do not have the finances to attend university. I do not have the neurotypical traits to complete university in the “normal” way. What I do have is passion, empathy, and an innate drive to support marginalised members of my community. Compassion fatigue is commonplace in the industry, and this particular nurse should know damn well that she was no longer suitable for that particular role. I’m reminded of the time my mother called Lifeline while I was in the midst of one of my more destructive autistic meltdowns. I think I was 18. The person who answered the phone asked my mother if I mostly wore black clothing. When my mother confirmed this, the operator told her that “she just wants attention and she’ll get over it” and then hung up on my mum. I beat myself black and blue that day until I was loaded up with seroquel. I think of my classmate who contacted Lifeline earlier this year, only to be told that there was nothing they could do for her. She jumped in front of a train later that afternoon. Someone managed to grab her by the scruff of her shirt but her legs were beyond repair. One has been amputated, and the other one might be coming off, too, assuming her infection doesn’t clear up. There are too many cruel, uncaring people in this industry and yet so many of us with ~lived experience~ are desperate to help and contribute our expertise. It just makes me so fucking mad. A workmate asked me about goals and career progression the other day, and I froze up. What I would like to do, and what is plausible, are completely separate. Everyone thinks it’s bonkers that I’m not a mental health worker or teacher. Everyone wants me to go farther and reach my potential. Everyone except the fucking government and this bureaucratic red-tape that seems exclusively designed to keep out anyone who isn’t upper middle class or above.