#ive had 3 breakdowns this week
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Someone save me from school pls, it's killing me
#🎧ᯓ★ | tsu's vents/rants#this is a cry for help#im dying#im drowning in papers#ive had 3 breakdowns this week
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Yes these have all already been posted, but 2023 Vettonso comp post for me because I'm going to have an emotional breakdown
#i dont want to sound like a maniac but. i manifested this JDKFLGLVLV#okay but understand. ive been vettonso posting for like 3 or so weeks now#have been drawing them like its my god damn career#have been squealing and screeching over them with everyone#and like oh hey! they're both gonna be at suzuka! and seb is having a bee event! maybe nando will go!#BUT THEN NO I DONT HAVE TO JUST LIVE WITH SCRAPS. I GOT A WHOLE FUCKING MEAL#I AM GOING TO SCREAM AND CRY AND ROLL AROUND THE FLOOR#*i say as if i haven't done all of those things in quick succession after seeing these#yknow very fortuitous time for my parents to have gone on a vacation. so they didnt have to be witness to the emotional breakdown i just had#i was making noises that have not been uttered by human beings before :)#BUT LIKE INWAS LITERALLT JUDT DRAWING VETTONSO FANART#AND I FINISHED IT AND SCHEDULED IT#and was all silly in the tags like 'haha wonder if we'll get any interaction'#and then i go to scroll tumblr one last time before slepeing and I RECEIVE THIS FUCKING 12 COURSE MEAL#i cannot actually describe the emotion i felt when i first saw the pic#like genuine fucking shock through my body like just was like 'is this actually happening'#i said to C today 'i will be happy if we even get a pic of them within eachother's vicinity'#and well wow. theyre certainly within each others vicinities rn#if we actually get any more pics i think i will keel over i think i will actually turn into dust and powder on the floor#UGHHHHHHH JUST THE TIMING!!!!!! THEY DID IT FOR ME 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#sometimes manifesting does work. after you draw like 20 hours worth of art of them#im trying to be concise but i really cant#because its literally just animal screeching and whining noises in my head rn#HOW DO I SLEEP AFTER THIS???????????????#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#vettonso#2023 japanese gp#we do a little bit of f1
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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So I was chatting with my fellow very mentally ill queer coworker friend about mental illness (as we do) and I mentioned how I was realizing that my wildly manic depressive response to grief wasn't... normal...
& they were like 'oh my god Yeah I've been suspecting you're bipolar for a While now' bc apparently I get in... modes... where my pupils are Huge and I'm talking a mile a minute and doing 4 things at once and even my Posture is different
And then I'll come in the next day like all the life's been sucked out of me.
& she mentioned there's type 1 and type 2, 1 being the longterm episodes & 2 being them alternating on a day to day basis. And I'm just like... damng... I sure do seem to have that 2 thing...
Apparently it's not normal to alternate between manic and depressive states! Who knew!
#speculation nation#ive like... always had this sorta thing. fatally hyperactive is how ive thought of it#those moods where im bouncing off the wall and super cheerful but DEFINITELY in a concerning mental state#apparently it's not exactly normal to be having a breakdown but laughing as you do it#no wonder no depression meds have worked for me. bc im not Just Depressed.#ive known for a while now that i dont have normal depression. i just dont. but sometimes im depressed#and then sometimes i write 70k words in 3 weeks!!!!!!!!#it makes sense but i kinda wish it didnt lol. as if autism and adhd wasnt enough. bipolar too??? really????#im gonna do some research & see if it's smth worth looking into treatment for#mayhaps i could mention it whenever i set up my psychiatry appointment :p#i dont wanna b bipolar 😭 but then again identifying it will probably help with managing it#damng all i needed to figure out my manic depression wasnt normal was losing my uncle & the symptoms getting Much Worse#me wildly oscillating between too depressed to write and too manic to write (bc even though i was motivated i didnt have clarity of mind)#longest... sigh... imaginable... i have so many mental and physical problems and i have No idea where to start with them#...adhd first probably. if i can tackle my abysmal executive dysfunction then maybe the rest will be easier to address lol#negative/#I Guess.
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#ive had about 3 breakdowns this week alone#not to mention all the mini panic attacks at any given time#idk wtf to do#my mental health is so bad#im either gonna end up dead from infection starvation or pills#idk wtf is wrong w me#i need help but idk what to do#this has been an ongoing theme for ages#this whole yr i havent caught a single break#ive always been severly depressed#but this i should be hospitalised level depression 🫥
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can I please catch a break right now? just one little break??
#like my health being dogshit so far this year was enough to do my head in#but now ive had this weird fucked up pseudo period for 3 weeks and its not going away#so ive made an appointment to go see the GP and hopefully he'll refer me to a gynecologist#but like my nana being sick with ovarian cancer that spread to her bowels isnt exactly helping me not jump to 'im also dying' brain ideas#then its the fact the hospital seems to have done worse to her health than the actual cancer#so shes been acting horrible when we visit and thats made my mum be extra stressed#and my mums job is a nightmare#so now my mums 5 minutes away from a breakdown#shes probably going to quit after /20 years/ bc they treat her so bad#but ugh its just all so fucking stressful#like thats all strssful as is I dont need to be in a perpetual period for weeks!!#Its driving me insane i have period cramps all the time i want to kill something#AND I DONT WANT TO GO TO THE GYNO#IM A CHILD I DONT WANT TO DO THAT I DONT CARE IF ITS NECESSARY i do not want to fuckin go and have someone look at my fucking vagina
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listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"
like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.
#no it's not that ive dealt with everyone for my whole life and now im selfish and dont want to give a shit about anyone anymore#its that ive dealt with everyone my entire life ive been an emotional support pillar ive been rotting in this toxic dysfunctional household#ive been a third parent ive stepped in for my dad when he spontaneously decides to be a deadbeat ive supported my mom without fail#whenever shes needed it for years. ive dealt with everyones fits of mania & psychosis & breakdowns & chronic pain & depressive episodes#ive had my mental illness trivialized and belitted and downplayed. im exhausted and traumatized and so fucking burned out#of course it looks like ive given up on everyone from the outside because im struggling !! im struggling mentally and emotionally#and its spilling out in all the wrong ways and they just see it as me letting my anger ruin my character and everyone else around me#they dont care if theres something wrong with me even though im throwing out signs and cries for help literally wherever i can#they just care that theyre affected by it and inconvenienced by my deteriorating mental condition#they think this mentally ill freak is just what i am at this point and they cant stop emotionally blackmailing me#by reminiscing about how i used to be so kind and optimistic. i wish they would just fucking see me for once#ive played the role of the good emotional support eldest daughter my entire life. why didnt they think it would blow up at some point#and when i have tried opening up in moments of severe emotional vulnerability they just throw it back in my face later on#while simultaneously telling me i just need to change my outlook on life because im still young and cant define myself by childish problems#mom you are depressed and anxious you should recognize it better than anyone. you should be able to see it for what it is#instead of telling me to go spend a week volunteering at a cancer hospital so i can go see what real problems exist for people in the world#and what other people are going through and maybe ill come out with a new appreciation for life#mom just bc people are dying of cancer doesnt mean i can't be depressed just bc other people have it worse doesnt mean i cant have it bad#im so fucking tired!#3 am vent post yippee i am going to regret oversharing on the internet so badly when i wake up tmrw
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#we're really Going Through It tonight besties#ive had like at least 3 mental breakdowns of varying intensity today#have had a shit week#had to work with my boss in surgery this morning and on call had to go in for my other boss this evening#and i finally got home#after midnight#and now its 1am#and i cant sleep#so uhhhhh enjoy the one piece spam lmao
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i hate computers i hate the internet i hate 2-step authentication i hate that things are hard and i hate having to send emails about stupid fucking problems that shouldnt be problems. idc.
#autism rage moment#mentally kicking myself in the head ouch#i understand why 2-step authentication is better or whatever but this is the second time ive had problems with it this week and its just...#...getting to much#im filled with rage im filled with rage im filled with rage im filled with rage#i love having a mental breakdown over things that work in dumb ways wth#>:/#sillyposting#:3 hehe stay silly =3=#>:(#rage
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genuinely it is difficult having cultivated the like. taste in fiction that i have now that i am in a place where i'm trying to talk to people more and make friends and so on and so forth and this is the field i'm having to play on with them. i don't think anyone has to be critic-brained (i do think its good to recognize that media is Authored and to look at things with both eyes open but some people simply enjoy things in other ways and i may get irritated by that but i don't suppose its Wrong) and i have in fact met people who Will meet me in that field but it doesnt change that the field i like to play in is much different and no one is expected to meet me there in the same way i am expected to play ball with marvel fans
#i find criticism and critique allows me a way into that field actually because i do not care for marvel#but if i try to pick it apart and see what its doing i can at least Converse with people about something#but its like. idk. thats an effort i make to talk to people and i dont find people do the same thing for me#and i dont really feel like its fair for me to ask either. in some ways that is me being silly and embarrassed and shy and all that#but in other ways its like well im not going to tell the most normal people i know to read flower that bloomed nowhere with me.#it gives people the impression that i live under a rock! i dont think i live under a rock i know about lots of stuff#its just different stuff and i dont usually talk without prompting and i find it hard to talk about something#if i think the other person wont know about it and ill have to explain it to them and hope maybe they look into it#i have looked into things for other people. i don't find people usually do that for me#there are even situations USUALLY with my mother if im being honest where she will take recommendations seriously#from genuinely everyone BUT me even watching things she'd normally never touch and its like Okay .#...#ive been having a hard week. its probably going to get harder as well (i go back to work tomorrow and i wasted my time off#being in pain and miserable and not being a presence in my own life)#and there is something about showing up to work with worse sh scars than usual and belt bruises on my neck#keeping my head down and not saying anything and having no one say anything to me at all that makes me feel. i dont know#how to word it. had a little breakdown alone in my* room yesterday and found myself sobbing 'help me' a lot#and maybe thats the root of it. i dont feel like people try for me the way i have been trying and it makes me feel like i am not worth#making the effort for. and i also dont know how to express this or ask for help without looking like a brat </3 so#anyway. ignore all that please thats embarrassing.
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CW: mental health, anxiety, obsessive & spiraling thoughts
TL;dr: I had an intense, prolonged anxiety attack today, and I should rlly expedite finding a new therapist 🫠
Amongst today's flurry of activities included a 3hr-long anxiety attack where I panic-cleaned my entire kitchen bc I was so overwhelmed by the state it was in and the mere idea of all the grime/bacteria/mold was sending me into a spiral so I deep-cleaned every single part of it for hours while also feeling like I couldn't breathe/think/exist.
It felt like drowning, fueled purely by manic adrenaline and feeling like I was running a marathon and something was chasing me and I had to keep cleaning and cleaning and cleaning or else. Like if I stopped, I would just, drop dead.
But then I finished the kitchen but every single area of my apartment was a disorganized, gross pile of crap thats slowly been building up so I still couldn't breathe/think/exist, so I began cleaning up everything else too.
The panic adrenaline ended up fizzing out after 3-4hrs, but I did get 70% of my apartment cleaned up. It feels just the tiniest bit easier to breathe. But I'm still so, so overwhelmed. I'm on sensory overload. It's too hot-too cold, there's too much crap and there's not enough space, and I clean and clean but everything just gets dirty again and it makes me feel like I'm living in a filthy place even though logically I know it's not that bad.
I look at my tub and think, "didn't I just clean that?" and realise that was 2 weeks ago and of course it's gonna get gross again. I think "didn't I change my sheets not long ago?" but realise it's been a month. I keep doing my laundry, I keep putting it away, and by the time I finally finish putting it away there's a full load I need to do again. Rinse and repeat.
I showered, I'm clean right? Nope that was 2-3 days ago, I need to shower again, I'm gross, but the tub, it's dirty, but didn't I just clean it? Oh, that's right, that was 2 weeks ago. But now showering is (more) of a struggle, bc it feels revolting to step in bc all I can think of is how dirty it is (to me). Obv I should clean it, but there's a million other things I need to clean in my apartment that's higher on the priority than my tub. But I need to shower, I need to stay clean. But I need to clean my tub. But I don't have clean clothes I need to do the laundry, and also if I'm doing laundry I need to clean my sheets it's been too long, but then that's 2 loads of laundry and that'll take 2 days to finish bc we hang-dry our laundry and so the 1st load needs to dry before starting a 2nd load. But if I'm cleaning my sheets, then I need to shower, bc I don't want to dirty my fresh sheets that I just changed out. So I should shower first. Oh, but the tub is dirty-
Anyways, the spiraling thoughts are so, so hard to control these days. Esp considering I had 2 medical emergencies within 2 weeks of each other which has completely fucked me over and has contributed to my current mental state.
I really need a therapist 💀
#cherry rambles#cw mental health#cw anxiety#mental health#midnight rants#might archive this post later#outwardly to everyone i am Fine™#internally i am such a mess and im barely hanging onto my last strand of sanity#everyone: wow youre handling everything so well!!#me: haha yeah totally i def have my shit together haha#yeah i had 2 stroke-like episodes out of nowhere within 2 weeks#and the doctors cant pin down why#been getting multiple tests done now to try figuring it out#kinda been coping by Not Thinking#i had this breakdown coming considering everything ive been through the last 3-4 weeks alone#long post
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okay genuinely would be making even more looble gifs n shit but. i am so fkin tired😭😭
#like ik on here as much but like a small breakdown of the last two months or so is: broke my arm march 2 and was just so out of it w pain.#and then a week after that was my siblings' baby shower. and had family up and that actually went well!#got a cast the day after the shower#also during that i couldnt work obv#and then yknow i was tired cause of me breaking my arm lmfao#got my cast off the 25th went back to work that week#and then cause i missed 3 weeks of work i picked up a bunch of shifts so in the last two weeks i worked like twice as much as i usually do#and then my sibling had their baby over the weekend and obviously i had to go meet the baby and coo over her n everything#(shes so perfect and tiny. like soooo teensy never held a baby that small! she was born technically a week before her due date lol)#also spent like all morning over at my siblings w my mom cleaning their house and doing their laundry and dishes etc#just got home at like 1 and crashed lol#also been having issues w my health insurance over a new med of mine :/ and having to call the drs about it :/#and i havent had it in a month so ive been having a ton of migraines:(
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fellas i don't feel so hot
#things are bad. i think#ive been running on 5 hours or less of sleep every day since the start of this week#i havent showered since sunday#i constantly feel like im being hunted for sport i keep having anxiety attacks#yesterday i had a mental breakdown that lasted THREE HOURS.#tomorrow morning i have a mechanics exam and i havent even studied much yet. and its 10 pm#im swarmed with assignments and i have my end of semester exams in less than two weeks#and the worst thing is. my birthday is in 3 days :[#and i feel like i hit a new low
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the job has been going surprisingly ok! I got most of my hours for the week done in like 4 days and im kinda hoping next week i can cut that down to getting it done in like, 3 and then having 4 days off lol. but i do have a webinar thing to attend tomorrow and im dreading it dskkfhkj. i never do well at live meeting call thngies. I do ok at in person ones but for some reason web based ones wig me out x_x (its only like 45 mins and mic only so it could be worse??) auggh
#just experiencing Real Heavy anxiety abt it. like im sure itll be fine#but also its kinda objectively funny to have a training/basics and faq webinar. after ive been working here almost 2 weeks? LMAO??#a bit late for training isnt it?? 😭 ive been learning on the job...#ive made a few mistakes so far and my brain is like. the person is going to call u out on ALl of them and be mad#but. the guide literally said u have 3 months to get ur accuracy up to a certain level . so i know thats just anxiety talking#BUT STILL.#at least i recognized they were mistakes on my own and dont make them anymore?? like im still learning TwT;;#i dont actually hate the job its very chill and a diff vibe from my prev jobs and the work is kinda interesting#like its prob not what id choose to do ideally. but. not mental breakdown type terrible?#like itd never be enough to live off of and the work loads are very inconsistent but. yk. its better than nothing#and better than going back to retail hell. ill die before i go back.#im kinda just hoping theres a lot of new hires at the webinar so i can just knda sit back and chill w/out having to say much lol..pls dont#be a small group...#i also want to try and list more things on depop tomorrow or this weekend bc idk whats going on w me#but i like. hate evryhting i own suddenly ?? and want to kinda overhaul my style...#ugggh. my brain is full of bees lately#sanchoyorambles#i also wanna post some art sometime soon bc my art blog is STAGNATING but i havent had anything huge to post#im working on smthbehind the scenes but its BIG and taking TIME
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My mental health is a fragile jenga tower and the past two weeks have been all left side pulls, but I'm gonna fucking make it I swear. (With or without the mental breakdown)
#my computer fucking died#my cats had to go to the vet#i had to spend a week + not even knowing if anything on my computer was recoverable#my significant other is going through wild medical bullshit#ive had 4 anxiety attacks#1 panick attack#at least 1 partial mental breakdown#and 3 stress nightmares#i have gotten so little fucking sleep during this#AND I HAVE TO START MY COMPUTER FROM FUCKING SCRATCH#*deep breath*#anyway#im fucking making it to next week and we'll see from there#by god im going to try
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I think if I lose this job, I'll give it like another month. If I can't bring things back in a month, I am going to end my life. It is not worth it.
#things have gotten#so bad#so much worse than how it was like two months ago#Ive had breakdowns every night for 3 weeks now#and because of my job I keep coming home unable to fuckin walk#I just#the world they made has won#it did not want me#so it will not have me#fuck
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