#joel on software

[szepkerekkocka]

In the late 80s, Lotus was trying very hard to figure out what to do next with their flagship spreadsheet and graphics product, Lotus 1-2-3. There were two obvious ideas: first, they could add more features. Word processing, say. This product was called Symphony. Another idea which seemed obvious was to make a 3-D spreadsheet. That became 1-2-3 version 3.0.

Both ideas ran head-first into a serious problem: the old DOS 640K memory limitation. IBM was starting to ship a few computers with 80286 chips, which could address more memory, but Lotus didn’t think there was a big enough market for software that needed a $10,000 computer to run. So they squeezed and squeezed. They spent 18 months cramming 1-2-3 for DOS into 640K, and eventually, after a lot of wasted time, had to give up the 3D feature to get it to fit. In the case of Symphony, they just chopped features left and right.

Neither strategy was right. By the time 123 3.0 was shipping, everybody had 80386s with 2M or 4M of RAM. And Symphony had an inadequate spreadsheet, an inadequate word processor, and some other inadequate bits.

via Joel on Software

Experience taught the software industry that it is usually more lucrative to skip optimization and rely on Moore's Law instead. Also less lucrative meant a sunk product line in the case of IBM Lotus 1-2-3 (the previous market leader). "When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. There is no middle ground."

we should globally ban the introduction of more powerful computer hardware for 10-20 years, not as an AI safety thing (though we could frame it as that), but to force programmers to optimize their shit better

[watchersleuth]

trio of friends & trio of fried rices

Thank you @bergoop for making these gifs! Go follow him if you enjoy lovely Watcher gifs!

[sealslop]

[funkily]

joelcest (editor/e2) stimboard for @smallishdruid ! theyre silly :33

art by slumbear !

☁️☁️☁️|💚💚💚|🎛🎛🎛

[transfemzedaph]

DUDE YES MAJORBEANS IS ABSOLUTELY FABOLOUS IT COULD GO SO FAR IT'S A PERFECT ENEMIES (ONE SIDED) TO LOVERS AND IT COULD HAVE AMAZING STORY IF THEY TEAM UP :D

(I apologies I'm so excited about this ship)

-☀️

yeah i just. i dont. lije i see it i see why people would ship it but idk dude.

[frog707]

big-time spender

As I mentioned, I'm teaching myself LWJGL's Vulkan API by working through Cristian Herrera's tutorial. Last night I spent over an hour debugging a couple memory leaks in my first Vulkan application. (I'm on Chapter 02, so it doesn't even draw anything yet.) I wondered, is this a really good use of my time?

On the one hand, the leaks weren't very serious: just 112 bytes in total. Memory is cheap nowadays, and Windows was probably reclaiming the memory a second later when the process terminated.

On the other hand, investigating the leaks made me study the code intensely and deepened my understanding of how it works.

And understanding is the whole point. If I simply wanted a working app, I could copy the code from the final tutorial, but then I'd be unable to document it or maintain it because I wouldn't know how any of it works.

Hey there, Vulkan interface/I know this much is true:/I'm like the last of the big-time spenders,/The way I'm spending time on you./Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!

[spamtonass]

she's always a delight

wee!

[aspenscore]

Author: Aspenscore

Title: A Mania Of Joels

Creative Commons License: A Mania Of Joels © 2025 by Aspenscore is licensed under CC BY 4.0. To view a copy of this license, visit https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Size: 384x512

(Really hoping the March 15 deadline includes March 15. I'm posting this before midnight on March 14 in my timezone, but it is already March 15 for Joel.)

Process TL;DR:

I've decided a group of Joels is called a mania.

My favourite part of Joel's season has been his many characters, as well as the Hermit Baths On Hermitcraft podcast, so I decided to combine those two things in this drawing.

This piece started as a bunch of sketches at work and took me about 20 hours to draw, plus an additional 8 hours fighting tech issues (including a crash that lost me the completed drawing (luckily I took this screenshot just before)).

Despite my struggles with that + screen rec software, there'll be a timelapse video of my drawing process coming soon on my channel!

Re: the title, I've decided a group of Joels is called a "mania" (like how a group of horses, for example, is a "herd").

One of my favourite things about Joel's season are all the fun intros and characters he's created, which inspired me to create something that showcases some of the main Joels we've met so far. I also really like the Hermit Baths On Hermitcraft (Another Podcast Hosted By A Straight White Male), so I figured the bathhouse would be the perfect place for a mania of Joels! I would've loved to include all the Joels, but by my count, there are at least 26 distinct Joels in this season so far, which is far too many Joels for me to fit in one image (and several of them are hard to distinguish based on appearance alone).

Since I could only include so many, I tried to choose Joels who are either recurring characters, or relevant to other things Joel has done in his videos. With that in mind, on this episode of Hermit Baths On Hermitcraft we've got Joel Who Asks You To Subscribe, News Reporter Joel, Bad Boy Joel (the statue counts as being in the season imo), Bartender (Horse Killer? :0) Joel, Officer Joel (RIP Detective Joel, would've loved to include him but it wouldn't be lore-accurate for him to be alive), Joel Who Totally Isn't Obsessed With Etho, Frogger Joel, Podcast Host Joel, and Singer Joel.

A few details I wanted to highlight:

News Reporter Joel always has a headline scroll bar with him. He doesn't know how or why. It's just there.

Joel Who Totally Isn't Obsessed With Etho not only has the Etho shirt on, but he's also in etho cosplay (headband) and has Etho face floaties (no idea where that came from but once I'd thought it I couldn't un-think it).

I'm most proud of Frogger Joel's outfit. He's got a froggy hat, frog crop top, lilypad shorts, and frog shoes with lilypad tops.

Singer Joel's kimono was originally going to have a pattern of symbols relating to Joel's season, but then I realized those wouldn't show up very well with the lowered resolution. The planned symbols included music discs, xp bottles, axolotls, slime balls, honeycomb, frogs, horses, glow squid, and glow berries.

Podcast Host Joel's abs are drawn on. Gem said it so it's canon.

Bartender Joel's vest is the same colour and pattern as that horse head...

And now for the process! I know a lot of you probably aren't that interested in it, but I spent a lot of time on this so I'd at least like to record my efforts.

This piece actually started on paper, because I work a lot and I knew I wouldn't have time to do the whole piece if I didn't at least do some advance planning during down time at my job. However, all I had at work was some scrap paper and a pencil (I couldn't even find an eraser the day I started this!), so I needed to find some way to get the aspect ratio correct without a ruler. While there were no rulers at work, I was able to find some mini origami paper, and since that's a perfect square, I was able to use it to replicate the sizing I'd chosen. I sketched out the general background layout, used two of those lines + the edge of another piece of paper to determine the vanishing point, then re-drew the rest of the background according to the point I'd determined. These techniques worked shockingly well, and when I scanned the drawing and checked my measurements in my drawing program, they were surprisingly accurate!

With the scan uploaded, along with a page of outfit design sketches I had also done at work, I ran into my next hurdle: screen recording software. To keep a long and agonizing story short, I draw on an old tablet that has very little storage, RAM, or processing power, so OBS + my drawing program were not an option. The drawing program itself doesn't have a timelapse feature either, so I had to go find another piece of software that would meet my needs. I even tried using my tablet as a third screen for my PC, which could absolutely handle the processing and storage needs of this project, but the latency was far too high for that to be a feasible option. Trying all of these options took at least 8 hours and at one point had the side effect of permanently messing up something on my main PC monitor that causes it to reset all its settings periodically (if anyone has any idea what's going on with that, I'd love to not have to re-do my settings every couple minutes or so).

My tablet's limited storage also resulted in me almost losing a portion of my footage, but you can rest assured that I've managed to save all of it, and if it's useable I will be editing it down into a timelapse + process video to upload to my channel! The video will probably include a lot of the information here, but hopefully it'll be a bit more interesting and engaging! (I was originally going to link the video here instead of writing all these paragraphs, but the drawing took so long I haven't had time to make the video).

Finally, after spending basically all of my free time at home during the past two weeks working on this drawing, I finished it just a couple hours ago.

I hit save.

And got an error message.

Storage issue.

Since the image resolution is intended to be reduced anyway (for minecraft painting, but also just how tumblr treats images), I grabbed a screenshot of the finished piece before my tablet crashed and rebooted. It saved some of my work, but not all of it, so this is now the only complete version of the piece in existence.

At the end of the day, I'm just glad I finished it on time and am happy with the final product. If you've read this far, thank you so much for your patience with my rambling, I hope you enjoy the final piece as much as I do. And thank you to Joel for creating such fun videos and awesome builds! I look forward to the rest of your first Hermitcraft season.

[jjwolves]

Hello! Your writing's great! Um... Sorry, just a bit unsure because I don't normally request things in fandom spaces... If it's okay with you, could you write something platonic with DBBQ Ena where the reader:

1. Has a hard time trusting her salesman side.

2. Is scared of her meanie side.

3. Can't help but have a squish (that's platonic attraction) on her?

Basically just... The reader doesn't wanna feel like Ena's solely just trying to sell them something nor do they want her to be angry/insulting towards them... Also, gender-neutral reader please. ._.

If you can't or don't want to write this, that's completely fine! Have a nice day! óuò

DROOPY LIKES YOUR FACE ✦•··············•✦•··············•✦

What: 5 Headcanons of ENA the Worker X Reader (Struggling Platonic)

Who: ENA the Worker from ENA Dream BBQ (By Joel G)

How Much: ~700 words, ~3 mins

Warnings: Slight Language

You’ve been working with ENA for a while, and you’re pretty sure that you understand the pattern now. Froggy usually orders you and your partner in crime to go out and squash any problems which need squashing. You do your best to get the job done, and when there’s time, you try to find some reprieve from the crushing reality that this is probably going to be your job forever. You try to talk to ENA. You think that you’d be up for getting drinks later, but it’s hard to get along with her at times.

You two could be friends, you think, as you march through the realm of the carpenter and do your best to avoid any saws which would saw through the room you’re traveling through and send you into the abyss surrounding the tower. Adjusting your tie, you glance over at ENA as you walk. She’s chipper (heh) and red as her head swivels to face you, body unaffected by the movement like an automaton. “The ambiance here is palpable! Would you be willing to buy a jar of it?” Thinking on your environment, you make a joke—don’t you mean pulpable? ENA takes a moment to process before startling you with a switch-up. “CAN IT!” You jump and look away, returning to your nervous tie adjusting. At least she acknowledged it.

ENA is able to get through a door while you wait and idle about near a mouth on the wall that sucks on lollipops endlessly supplied by you suit’s pockets. Hopefully it’s too busy tasting raspberry and rootbeer-adjacent chemicals to notice that your work buddy is intruding in its domain. It takes her some time but eventually she circles back to you and you can stop feeding the thing. “You’re a good worker.” ENA smiles inscrutably. You’re thankful for the compliment, but you wait for the catch. She follows through. “And good workers know amazing deals when they see them. Would you be willing to trade a few lollipops for this stylish ribbon I found?” Should have known.

ENA makes you anxious sometimes. She doesn’t mean to, probably, but she ends up doing it anyway. Once in a while you’ll drop something or tell a ‘potential customer’ something less than flattering—but true—about your services. After the tool hits the floor or the words are out your mouth, you tense up, hoping that she wasn’t around to hear that. You look around. All clear. That is, until you look directly in front of you to see ENA wearing a jagged frown and holding a megaphone. “THAT’S ANOTHER INFRACTION! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US TERMINATED!?” You jump back and apologize profusely, tripping over yourself. ENA’s face straightens into something more neutral, however, after your blubbering has subsided.

You take a break with your coworker (friend?), making sure to hide away from Froggy so that he doesn’t see you two slacking. It’s awkward and silent until your coworker speaks up. ENA looks thoughtful when she turns to you. “I apologize for the behavior of my employment.” She fidgets with her hands. “I’ve never really invested in a friend before… So please forgive me as I update my software.” Feeling a gentle smile on your face, you say that it’s alright. You’re both working on getting along better, after all. “Speaking of which. Friend. Earlier you had complained about not having any, ‘iced coffee’, as it were. Consider this a payment towards my forgiveness.” ENA reaches to grab something from her invisible item-space. You begin to say that she doesn’t need to pay you anything, but your words die as she places something in your hands. It’s coffee, frozen into a cube the size of your head, attached to the end of a freakishly large popsicle stick. It’s practically a warhammer. You’re baffled. ENA is quick to go white at your reaction. “DON’T LAUGH! IT ONLY COMES IN VENTI! God DAMNIT!” ENA throws her hat down in a fit of rage. You’re thankful for the strange gift from your even stranger friend.

A/N: You have a nice day too, Anon! Geez, guys, I'm sorry if you send in a request and it takes a while to get to it. I try to work down the list of requests by date and there's quite a few (which I am very thankful for). I do try to make every hc list or story very richly detailed, so it takes time to get done. The fics would lose what makes them special if I shotgunned them, haha. Stay tuned, and if you have a request you really really want done ASAP then you can always commission me! Comms take priority after all. :o)

[covetyou]

stupid cupid

ao3 ⋆ main masterlist ⋆ series masterlist

pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader rating: Explicit (18+ only!) warnings: oral sex (f receiving), unprotected P in V, a few ass slaps, sex toys (butt plug and a dp dildo), anal play, anal sex (with a dildo), double penetration, creampie, vague fluff and emerging feelings (gross), the wings stay ON. word count: 5.2k summary: Joel makes a return to your home, this time with another gift to give. Will you be his Valentine?

A/N: he's here. he's back. baubles joel, big bawl joel, the holiday king himself. and yes, yet again something that probably shouldn't be a series is becoming a loose-fit series because I just can't quit.

I guess you can all be my Valentine's if you'd like and we can smooch and hold hands and stuff, idk (I love you 💛) gorgeous V day divider by @saradika-graphics

follow @covetedfics and turn notifications on for updates on future fics

You didn't expect to scream the moment you entered your bedroom after a long day at work.

Of course, you had wanted to scream all day. First, when you spent the morning fighting with a piece of software that just did not want to work. Then, when you watched your colleagues trickle out of the building well before 5pm, all on their way to romantic dates, while you were stuck in your seat making up for your - and their - lost time this morning. And when you finally stumbled from the building at 8pm, only to sit in traffic for another fucking hour? You may just have let a furious squeal escape your throat as you gripped the steering wheel.

As you finally pulled into your driveway, the only things on your mind were a hot shower and takeout food.

The first part had gone without a hitch. Mostly.

Stripping off your work clothes before you'd even got to the bathroom, you hadn't noticed a single thing different about your home. As you tossed your clothes into the hamper, nothing was amiss. Stepping under the hot stream of water, you felt totally at peace for the first time that day. There was a kind of serenity to be found in your own bathroom that didn't exist anywhere else. No, nothing was unusual at all.

And then you'd loosely wrapped a towel around you, not bothering to dry yourself, and crossed the short distance across the hall to your bedroom. You weren't to know you never closed the door this morning when you left - that was 14 hours ago, afterall. Sunset had long since been and gone, so how were you to see anything, or anyone, where it shouldn't be until you sleepily flicked the light on after closing the door behind you.

So, naturally, when your brain finally registered DANGER - INTRUDER you screamed, almost dropping your towel in the process.

And that's where you still are, locked to the spot, fight or flight truly fucking off from your mind entirely, as you stare straight ahead.

There's a man on your bed. A very familiar man. His hulking figure splayed across it like some kind of fucking renaissance painting, naked as the day he was born, except for the fairy wings strapped to his back with elastic and... is that a bow and arrow? And a pacifier?

"Santa Joel?"

Joel rolls his eyes, pulling the pacifier from his mouth with a pop.

"I ain't Santa. Does this look like Santa to you?" he says, with a sweeping broad gesture down his body. He decidedly does not look like Santa. You're not sure what he looks like, and you're not sure you care when you can't help but notice he's at half mast already. Dragging your eyes from his crotch, you look at his face, somehow sweet and angelic even with his dick out.

"Okay, well... what are you?"

Looking at you in disbelief, he slaps the pacifier down onto the bed before swinging his legs over the edge to sit upright. Only, now you're not so sure it's a pacifier. It looks like a - but why was he sucking on it?

"Ain't it Valentine's Day? I'm Cupid, stupid."

"Cupid Joel?"

"Cupid Joel. It really that difficult to work out?" With a lopsided grin he picks up the bow, miming shooting you, before resting his elbows on his knees. The soft trickle of water down your body feels more and more like you're melting by the second. A practical stranger like Joel shouldn't have been able to do this to you the first time, but the fact he was here again, charming and suave, despite the nudity and criminal activity, told you all you needed to know. You were painfully and woefully attracted to him and you would do just about anything to have a night with him again.

"Well, Cupid Joel, you broke into my house. Again."

He ignores you, lounging back on your bed and spreading his knees wide, picking up the - yep, that's definitely a butt plug - again and sucking it into his mouth. Removing it with a flourish, he looks you up and down, a question in his eyes before looking to his own cock, now much harder than it was a moment ago.

"Different guy, you said that was Santa Joel." You can see him holding back a laugh, and you'd be tempted to wipe the smirk from his face if you weren't rooted to the spot. "Anyway, that guy told me he didn't see any pictures when he was here, guessed you didn't have a Valentine. Figure everyone deserves some lovin' on the big day," he says with a shrug and a quirk of his mouth. "So, here I am. Your very own Cupid, if you'll have me, 'course. Don't gotta stay, I can leave if you want me to."

You didn't want him to leave. He'd broken into your house again, and you were exhausted, but seeing him lie there, naked in your bed with the evidence of his little dress up game strewn around him, stirred things in you. If he was willing to give you some lovin' then who were you to turn that down. You're only human, after all, and it is Valentine's Day.

So, you do the only logical thing in that moment and drop your towel without another thought.

"'Atta girl," Joel chuckles patting the bed beside him. "C'mere, got you a present."

Incredible, if slightly strange, sex with a stranger, and he bought you a present? Suddenly the day isn't feeling quite as shit as it was an hour ago, and damp and naked, you approach your bed. You're close enough to him now that you can smell him again, that soft oaky smell throwing you back to the twinkling lights of Christmas Eve. You didn't know any more about him now than you did that night, really. Though, truth be told, you hadn't tried too hard to find him. You had a good time, and the soft lit fantasy of Santa Joel was something you enjoyed exactly as it was. Unveil the man, and you threatened to ruin that fantasy. But a night with Cupid Joel? That could be a new fantasy altogether.

"S'not Christmas any more, don't remember ever having to sit on Cupid's knee to get a Valentine," you murmur, sitting back on your heels as Joel's large hand slides up your thigh. You watch as it moves from your knee to your hip and back again, fingers gently teasing your sensitive inner thigh on the way down. The only hands that had touched you since Christmas were your own, though you had spent night after night imagining his all over you. You were starting to think you'd fallen asleep at the wheel and this was all some wonderful stress dream.

But then he presses a soft kiss to your knee, the scratch of his facial hair rubbing just enough to let you know this is all very, very real and you'd very much like more of it.

"Ain't gonna make you sit on my knee for it. Might want you to sit on somethin' else though."

You laugh, rolling your eyes. "Real smooth, Cupid."

And then he's smiling up at you as he leans forward to kiss your thigh, then your belly, pushing you back with one large hand until you're laying beneath him, spread bare and open as he makes his way back down to your thighs.

It's so easy to get lost in it. The soft scratch of the scruff on his chin, rough fingertips moving gently across your thighs, soft lips pressing and sucking delicately on you, catching the last specks of water from your skin with each pass of his mouth. Your eyes drift closed just as his breath ghosts across your mound, another soft kiss soon following, and another, and another.

Until, blissfully, his soft mouth connects with your clit, tongue peaking out to swipe across the sensitive bud. It had been so long since anyone had gone down on you, long before you made the move to Texas last year, you'd almost forgotten what it felt like. Stuttering for a while, you're about to feebly mumble how good it feels, but all thoughts grind to a halt when he sucks your clit into his mouth, moaning before softly releasing. You had never had a man moan eating your cunt before, and now here you were, fairly certain angels were real and you'd gone to heaven, taken there by Cupid Joel and his wings.

"You always this late home, or did you have a date that went to shit?" he mumbles around your clit. It's a small sneaky way that he asks, wanting clarification on something he was almost certain of but you had yet to confirm. There were no pictures in your house, but that didn't mean there wasn't anyone in the picture.

Shaking your head, you gasp out a response. "Work - work went to shit. Ohh."

"Bad day?"

"Yeah, it - fuck, Joel."

It's then that you take your first opportunity to look down and see him between your legs. His hair looks even fluffier, his hands pushing your thighs open while his fingers pull you apart at the seams. His eyes closed, lashes fanned against his cheek, tongue softly lapping against your center, gusts of his hot breath billowing against your mound. He's beautiful.

And he's still in the fucking fairy wings.

A laugh primes itself, ready to explode out of you, but another firm lick sends you reeling, head hitting the mattress with a thud. Whatever he's doing to you, whatever this fucking day has done to you, you're going to come, and fast.

"Cu-Cupid Joel. Don't fucking stop."

Joel stops mid-lick, earning a frustrated moan from you, eyes widening from where he looks up between your thighs. "Already?" he asks in disbelief, noticing how quickly your legs and cunt have started to twitch.

"Stupid fucking cupid, don't stop, please."

His mouth finds your clit again and he's devouring you, lapping quickly against your cunt as your squirm into him, hips rocking your cunt against his tongue. Another day you'll wonder if it was his tongue or your movement that got you there, but right now all you know is the thick syrupy feeling in your veins as an orgasm quickly rockets through you, a strangled moan leaving your throat as you fist your sheets in your hands. You've muffled him, your thighs clamping around his head as he pushes further forward, tongue buried in your folds until you can't take it any more and you're desperately pulling away from him.

When you release your grip on his head, he gasps, cursing into the plushness of your thighs. Sitting up, he looks down at you, the bedroom light illuminating him from behind, making the wings glow on his back like your very own heavenly creature.

"Wanna see your present now?"

The fog in your head has barely cleared, your ears still fuzzy as you take in his words. Somehow a tongue on your pussy wasn't your Valentine's gift from Cupid?

"Wha - that wasn't it?"

"Nope."

"Is that it," you say, letting a thread of hope feed into your voice while you nod to where his cock hangs heavy between his legs.

"Not exactly, but you can have that too if you want it, darlin'."

You don't know what you expect, but Joel reaches over and picks the butt plug from where he'd discarded it on your bed earlier, and holds it out to you.

"Don't know if you're into it but," he holds the plug out to you, base first. The pink glass looks so delicate in his fingers, and it takes a twist of his hand for you to see it, but the heart shaped base of the plug soon becomes clear to you, brain foggy as it is, and you laugh, the sound bubbling out of your lips as your head tips back, laughing so hard you can feel your tits shake.

"You had that in your mouth."

Joel shrugs. "Better now than after it's been in your ass."

"Why're you so sure it's goin' into my ass?"

Got him, flashes through your mind when you watch his face drop. You don't let him suffer for long.

"I'm fucking with you. You're tellin' me you broke into my house but didn't go through my shit? I got three in the drawer over there."

"Three?!" he says in faux shock, rolling you over onto your front and grabbing at your ass cheeks. He pulls them apart, the cool glass in his hand pushing into your cheek as he tugs you open.

You shriek, swatting behind you as you laugh again. "Joel- what the fuck are you doing!?"

"Checkin' where you keep these three assholes."

"I'm lookin' at one asshole right now."

Now it's his turn to laugh, a deep rich sound that has your toes curling and your pulse sky rocketing, pulling you out of it with a gasp when he slaps a hand down on your ass only to watch it ripple with the impact.

"So, do you want it in?"

"Mhm, I have lube in the bedside table."

A rummage later, you wait, kicking your feet in the air, resting your chin in the cup of your palm. When he turns again, he sees you waving your ass from side to side, ready for him. Slick is coating your pussy, your upper thighs glossy with it too.

"That a present all for me?"

Pulling your cheeks apart again, he kisses each one, lightly nipping on the soft flesh as he does. And then, without much warning, he burries his tongue between your spread legs, licking a thick stripe from your clit to your asshole, groaning with every lick over your tight ring. Fisting the sheets, you press your face into the mattress. If he's going to keep doing this before he even fucks you, you're going to come again and fall asleep before he can get inside you.

"I thought this was a present for me, you're acting mighty excited back there."

"It is. Never said I wouldn't get anythin' outta it though."

A cool trickle of lube drizzles into your crack, quickly spread by Joel's large finger. He teases for a moment, circling your tight hole a little before gently pushing in.

"Fuck."

Moaning in agreement, you almost speak to agree, but then his finger is gently fucking your asshole and all words fail you. Coming just a moment ago did nothing to stop the need you had for this man, the feeling in your core growing tenfold as each moment passed.

"Fuck, Joel, put it in my ass and fuck me already."

The strangled noise from behind you startles you, and you look back for a second to see Joel's eyes pinched together and his head thrown back as his hand grips tightly around the base of his cock, wings falling forward over his shoulders as he desperately tries to relax himself.

"You can't say shit like that to me, darlin'."

"Then stick it in me, stupid."

Fingers slick with lube, he strokes the plug, before sliding the cold tip across your hole.

"Wanted go slow. Wanna watch you take it."

With a soft push, he presses the tip forward, watching as your hole accepts the cold tip with ease. This was always something you loved, even playing with your plugs by yourself when the feeling took you. It had been too long since anyone else had played with your ass, and you can't say you were too mad about Joel being the first to touch you there in so long.

The stretch is soft, and soon the bulb of the head pushes past your tight ring, making Joel hiss behind you as he watches you take it. He fucks you with it once, then twice, before pushing firmly, letting your ass take the entire length of the plug. Twisting it, he sits the heart upright, before leaning forward to kiss it. It's not often you get a man's face buried in your ass so, figuring it's karmic justice for the species, you push back into him, holding back a laugh when a small oomph escapes his lips when your ass collides with his face.

"Gonna tell Santa Joel you did that. No nice list for you."

"Then if I'm already on the naughty list, fuck me already. You promised me lovin'."

Wiggling your ass, you arch your back to expose your pussy to him even more. He hasn't so much as put a finger in you yet, and part of you is glad for it. You want to feel his cock pull you apart as it fills you, pushing past the ridge of the plug lodged in your ass. You want to feel stretched and full and ruined.

Joel seems to be on the same page, shuffling forward, dick in hand, sliding the tip through your slick folds. Catching on your entrance, he runs the tip of his dick across the plug where it's nestled inside you before pushing down, slipping into your empty hole.

And fuck is it tight. If it feels this good for you, the half-filled and stretched wide feeling of his cock in one hole and the plug in the other, you wonder how it must feel on his dick. You're wet, dripping really, soaking his cock and letting him in with ease, but there's the solid lump of the plug dragging along the top side of his cock as he pushes in.

Deciding he's going too fucking slow, too tentative when all you want is to be filled, you push back. In one swift rock you take him to the root, gasping and hitting the bed with your fists as he bottoms out, his own fingers digging into you flesh harshly.

"Sh-fuck, fuck."

Stopping, you almost pull away, worried you might have hurt him, but his grip stops you. Before you can turn or question him, he's pulling back, slamming in hard again, groaning when you take him completely.

If Santa Joel destroyed you, Cupid Joel is going to wreck you entirely. And you welcome it.

He's fucking you steadily in no time, relishing in the sound of your moans getting higher and higher in pitch with each pound.

Your knees buckle first, planting you face first in your sheets. Joel tries to pull you up, but his own knees are slipping, dragged down by the grip of your cunt on his cock. Giving in, he crowds over you, pumping deep into you despite the tangle of limbs you've become in the last few seconds. Somewhere in the scuffle you've kicked the bow and arrow, listening as they clatter to the floor just as tangled as the two of you are.

He's warm, and sweaty, and heavy above you, holding just enough of his weight on his elbows to let you breathe. Making a few more shallow thrusts, he suddenly stills, nose breathing deep into your hair.

"Shit. Can't come yet. I got one more surprise for you," he pants into your ear, offering you a soft kiss to your shoulder before his weight shifts.

You want to grab him and hold him to you, beg him to come in you already, but he has other ideas and he's pulling out before you can grab him. "Ugh."

"Gimme a sec," he grunts from behind you. "Can't - hmfph - get it over - god damn it - my balls. There. Got it. Snug but, damn, look at that."

Looking behind you, you watch as he sways from side to side, looking down where his cock bobs between his legs. He's mesmerized, and soon so are you.

He's strapped another cock just below his own, the tapered black dildo just shorter than he is. It sits flush to his full balls, anchored to them by a thick ring, another wrapped around his length. Even with the sounds of his struggle, you're amazed he got it on so quickly.

"Don't have to take both but," and he shrugs - fucking shrugs all coy and uncertain as if he hasn't reached into the depths of your brain and pulled out your most desperate fantasy of taking two cocks at once.

"Didn't wanna spook you, but given you like gettin' your asshole played with," he says with a press to the plug still sat in your ass. "Worth finding out if you're into ass fuckin' too."

You were. Fuck yes, you were. You had your own collection of toys and plugs for a reason, but it had been a criminally long time since anyone had really fucked you there. Other than Joel, it had been a criminally long time since anyone had fucked you anywhere.

"If I say yes, what else are you gonna pull out from back there? You got a bag of tricks around here somewhere."

Joel gives you a toothy grin, stroking his hand over his slicked cock before sliding two fingers straight into you. "Tool bag is downstairs, but ain't got anythin' in there I'd like to put in here darlin', don't worry."

Fingers slipping slick and wet inside you, pressing firmly upward with help of the plug still lodged in your ass, you're rendered speechless again. Reaching out for him you hold his hand in place, fucking yourself on his fingers for a moment before reaching further toward him.

Joel gasps when your hand gently cups around his balls, the thick rings of the toy strapped around them making them seem even fuller with the press of the dildo into them. You roll reach one beneath your fingers, catching the dark look in his eyes.

"You like 'em, huh? Know you liked havin' 'em in here."

"Fuck. Thought about it so much since. Dreamed of you coming back to fuck me with them again."

"Tsk, ain't disappointing you, am I?"

"Joel, you have two cocks and you're threatening me with a good time. You couldn't disappoint me right now even if you tried. And you broke into my house. Again. Now, if you don't fuck my ass with either of the cocks you have there soon I'm going to do it myself," you say, fingers stilling on his balls, before you think again and add, "Please."

"Since you asked so nicely, sweetheart. C'mon now, lemme take this out. Can put it back in this needy hole after. That's it."

It's surreal, looking up at him as he gently tugs the plug out of your ass, offering you sweet murmurs of encouragement. You know nothing about him, save for his first name and penchant for dress up games. And yet, the desire you have for him is steadily creeping upward as time ticks on. Truthfully, you didn't even really remember what he looked like when you thought about him, fingers toying with your clit as you came to memories of Christmas eve. Low light and mind melting orgasms will do that to you. All you knew was his voice and the soft filthy way he fucked you. Now, getting a proper look at him without the shield of twinkling lights and that red jacket, you can truly appreciate him. He's fit, though you suspect he's never stepped foot in a gym a day in his life. He's soft too, in the way that strong sturdy things are soft. You want nothing more than to pull him into you, to press his softness against your own as he ruts into your holes, but that's decidedly not what this is. Whatever this is, between the mild crime and fucking, it isn't that sort of soft sweet thing.

You don't know how he's going to do it, which cock is going to take which hole, but you decide you don't care when he's leaning over you to press a soft kiss to your lips. When your legs wrap around him of their own accord it's all but decided, and he takes his cock in hand - his real one - and lines up with your dripping slit, pushing in slightly before fumbling below for the other. It takes a moment - the lubed up dildo slipping from his grasp as he huffs and tries, but fails, to slot it against you. Briefly tangling your fingers with his, you take over, positioning the toy at your ass, feeling it slip in a little already as he grinds his hips forward, desperate to be balls deep in you again. With both cocks poised and ready you moan, quivering and clamping your eyes shut at merely the thought of being fucked in both holes at once.

With one more press forward, Joel slides in, the glide of lube easing the dildo into your ass as his cock reclaims its place inside your pussy.

And fuck, you have never been so full, and Joel has never fucked something so damn tight. The space his cock would normally make is taken up by the dildo, fighting for position inside of you as he rocks gently, sliding in and out of you with gradually deeper movements. The deeper he presses, the more desperate your moans become, and you catch the hesitation in his face before he can move.

"Don't you fuckin' dare stop."

This time he doesn't, wordlessly pushing into you and filling both your holes to the brim as sweat trickles down his face. You want to lick it off him, to sink your nails into his back, wings be damned, to lick the salt from his skin and bite down into the the firm flesh at his neck. But the only thing you can do before he's fucking you in earnest is grab hold, careful to avoid snapping the elastic of his wings against his shoulders as he pounds forward. There's no candlelight and rose petals here, just the raw sound of skin slapping against skin, grunts heaving into the air as you pull yourselves into each other.

"Tell me how it feels," you rasp into his ear, watching the flap of wings over his shoulder. "Tell me how it feels fucking me with both of your cocks."

"Oh, shit, it's good. So good, baby. Someone's definitely goin' on the naughty list next Christmas. You likin' this? You likin' being fucked in both holes?"

A frantic nod is all you can manage as he starts hitting a spot in you you didn't know existed, building pressure in your cunt like never before.

"I know. You're just so full, ain't you. Take two dicks so well. Pulling me in so good."

Hoisting your legs over Joel's hips, you grip around him, a loud moan bursting out of your chest as he fucks back down, deeper now at the new angle. This is it. This is how you die, you're sure of it.

"How close - How close are you. I think I'm gonna - fuck - die -AH!"

He stops grunting for a moment to force out a breathless "Am I hurtin'?"

It only takes one look at you for Joel to realize he's not hurting you at all. There you are, fucked all the way to oblivion and back, a chorus of angels screaming in your ears with each snap of his hips. You're going to come again, clit untouched and holes filled, a way you've never managed to before. You don't even know how it's happening, all you know is that suddenly your soul feels like it's being pulled straight from your bones, through the middle of you and out through your cunt and asshole at the hands of Cupid Joel himself. And then you're gushing, mind and pussy totally detached as you come, soaking his cock and your sheets.

"Yeah that's it," he grunts, his weight surrounding you once more as he pushes into your spasming holes over and over, chasing his own release. If it wasn't for the damn tight rings around his cock and balls he would've come already, but your moans in his ear and your fingers gripping his shoulders spur him forward.

"Joel."

"Gonna come. Gonna fuckin' - uh - come in your tight fuckin' pussy."

"Yes, yes, come in me, please, I can't, I'm gonna -"

Joel stiffens, hips stuttering as he gives you a few hard, shallow thrusts, before he explodes inside you, groaning so loud it makes your ears ring and cunt make one last attempt to clench around him. As much as you soaked him, he's just filled your cunt, cum pushing deep inside you with each spurt, locked in place by the fullness of the two cocks inside you. You collapse back, your ears still ringing and your limbs feeling soft and heavy.

This time you're certain black out for a moment.

But when you peel open your eyes, Cupid Joel is above you again, halo'd by the bright yellow light on your bedroom ceiling. His hair is damp, wet even, from sweat, a bead trickling down his neck and glittering in the light. And in his eyes there's concern, a worried pinch in his brow as he searches your face.

"You passed out -"

"- You're still here."

He rolls his eyes. "Way to make a guy feel special, sweetheart," he says with a cocky smile. "Just checkin' on you, but I can get goin' as long as you're okay."

You nod, the movement feeling as slurred as your speech. "You left. Last time. Saw you walkin'. Jus' wonderin'."

"Wait... you saw that? Shit, I thought you were asleep."

"No, wasn't 'sleep."

"You gonna sleep now?"

"No," you murmur with a nod, closing your eyes as you feel the last sweep of his hand down your neck, pulling a sheet over your limp form, just for you to mumble one last thing before the soft darkness takes you. "Balls... next time... please."

"You got it, darlin'."

It's an arduous journey to the bathroom when you wake up in the dead of night, remnants of cum trickling down your legs and thighs sticking together. Quickly cleaning yourself up, you check the house for signs of him, already knowing that he's long gone. You wonder how he left this time, whether he kept the wings on, whether he still had a second cock strapped to his own as he escaped into the darkness. For all you know, your cupid could have flown away on glittered fairy wings.

And then you're crawling back into bed, takeout long forgotten, any hunger you had satisfied in a different way than you expected. Somehow there's comfort in the wet patch you curl yourself around. Cupid Joel is gone from your house, but there are still traces of him here. The cum on the sheets, the ache between your legs and, as you reach to turn the light off and let darkness take you, the butt plug on your bedside table. Between the Christmas decorations stashed in a box in your closet and this plug, you were slowly amassing pieces of a man you didn't really know - gifts from a stranger that made you feel more at home in this place you'd moved to than anything else had managed to in ten months.

Tracing the outline of the heart with your finger, you stretch and snuggle back down into bed, letting exhaustion take hold and when you dream, you dream of flying.

next part

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[beemo-boppin]

Gem and Etho boppin to the #1 hit track on Hermitcraft: “Honey, Honey, Honey” by Smallishbeans

Clipped from Gem’s VOD, “I Streamed a Hermitcraft Meeting - Server Tour #1” (2:10:05)

Video description and transcription below cut:

Transcription:

Joel’s song “Honey, Honey, Honey” plays on a music disc: ♫ o-aaaah a-oh-aahh ♫

Several hermits laugh including Joel, Xisuma, Ren, False, and Doc

Doc: you’re the worst

Joel’s song cont.: ♫ all the things I could buy! If I sold all of this honey! ~wownoww~ ♫

Pearl (?) mimics the ~wownoww~

Ren (?) laughs and Xisuma giggles

Joel’s song ends: ♫ In this Minecraft world! ♫

Joel: there you go

Joe: woo!

Video description:

POV GeminiTay on the Hermitcraft server, with a facecam on the bottom right corner and Twitch chat replay in the top left corner. Roughly 11 Hermits roam around inside Joel’s tree stump honey shop, and laugh as his “Honey, Honey, Honey” song plays on a music disc. Gem walks to the source of the music, a mound of wood blocks with a sign, gold block, and a button on the gold block. Etho stands on top of the mound and dances wildly by crouching repeatedly and moving his head around. Gem switches to third person POV and centers herself on screen. She joins Etho dancing by crouching to the beat, but Etho’s just going nuts behind her. Several hermits watch and roam around them, including False, Bdubs, Pearl, Ren, and Xisuma.

Feedback:

Please lmk if I can make any improvements to my video descriptions or transcriptions, as I am just getting used to it! I will be adding captions to my future posts once I get my computer + editing software :)

[tetedurfarm]

i know this is a long haul video, but it's also an extremely good breakdown of the myth of self-sustainability homesteading and how you should never believe everything you see online or in books. also a little bit about how joel salatin suck ass, actually.

this shit is not easy and it doesn't make money. i am only allowed to do this because my spouse is a software engineer in the video game industry. don't fall for the promise of being able to pay your way via a small farm. the only thing small-scale homesteading gives you is a sense of accomplishment, a connection to your food, and at least one joint injury that you will need to go to physical therapy for. i will never talk anyone out of wanting to grow their own food, because i think it's an extremely good and important thing to do, but i will always encourage you to do it within your means with a realistic vision of that future.

[bidoofenergy]

sports au summer is about getting your friends to care about sports they'd never learn about otherwise (ranchers cricket au, english bowler jimmy meets american batsman tango at the t20 world cup)

As soon as the ball leaves his hand, Jimmy knows it's going wide. He stumbles to a stop and just stands awkwardly, avoiding eye contact while he waits for one of the fielders to throw it back to him. Even the batter at strike is looking at him funny, a politely bemused expression visible through the grill of his helmet.

Second wide of the over and it's only the third ball. There's no way Grian's letting him finish the inning at this rate. He scuffs the dirt with his cleat.

There's really no reason for Jimmy to be nervous. It's the USA, an utter joke of a national team. One of their batters is a software engineer in the off-season! There's only three overs left and they need another 80 or so to win. The Americans are just playing for dignity at this point—dignity and their net run rate.

Joel tosses him the ball, easy and underhanded, a questioning look on his face. Jimmy catches it and shakes his head. He's fine.

There's really no reason for Jimmy to be nervous—except, maybe, the batsman at the other end of the pitch. Jimmy's eyes find him as soon as he turns around.

The other American batter is looking right back at Jimmy. He's shorter and older, a good amount of grey in the scruff on his jaw. He leans against his bat, one leg crossed in front of the other, and watches Jimmy sheepishly walk back.

The other American batter is Tango Tek. Jimmy hadn't heard of him before this tournament and now he can't get Tango out of his mind—or out of the corner of his eye.

He's been watching Jimmy all match.

Jimmy spins the ball in his hands as he walks and finally meets Tango's eye. He's got a curious look in his eyes, shaded by the rim of his baseball cap, but Jimmy can't read him beyond that. When Jimmy gets closer, he straightens up.

"Take a breath, kid." He calls, voice low so only Jimmy (and the umpire) can hear. Jimmy flushes and doesn't stop, doesn't respond.

Encouragement from the opponent—as if this over wasn't embarrassing enough already.

Still, as he stands and waits for the umpire's signal, Jimmy takes a deep breath. Focuses in on the field, on the batter waiting for him at the other end of the pitch. Nothing else matters—not the crowd or his team's disappointment or hot older batsmen with curious smiles.

He runs and his arm spins and even before the ball leaves his fingers, Jimmy knows it's good.

[tiredfoxtf]

Having vague thoughts about Docm77 in the android au. He's human, but he has had a lot of body parts replaced with cybernetics for various reasons, most notably his right arm after a factory accident.

He builds androids for a living, doing a bit of everything but mostly being in charge of programming the conscienceness and sensory processing softwares. He is an expert at giving androids the ability to "feel".

He sees androids as distinctly different from humans, but in an almost revering way. Every robot is a work of art and must be respected as such.

Doc's company was the one to make Joel. If you take his motherboard under a microscope, you can see the brand logo in one of the corners

Also have been staring at this ask respectfully for weeks. I like the idea, unfortunately I know next to nothing about the goat man, but this is sick (positive).

[askthehcc]

what do all the non hcc employees do for work?

Tango: Well, Gem has the flower shop and Pearl is a contractor of... some sort?

Jimmy: Hey, if you don't know, I don't know.

Tango: What? You live with her.

Jimmy: And?

Jimmy: Do you know what Skizz does?

Tango: Yes!

Tango: Kinda.

Tango: Idk dude it's like... finance and business stuff.

Jimmy: [laughing]

Tango: Etho was working a contract up until recently – in development, that is. He's a software developer.

Jimmy: What is he doing now then? If that contract is ended?

Tango: [shrugs] You'd have to ask Cleo or Bdubs.

Tango: Though if you were to look at next month's rota for The Hermit...

Jimmy: He's doing shifts here? Really?

Tango: [shrugs]

Tango: What about your guys? Back in England? What do they do?

Jimmy: Change the subject much.

Tango: [Laughing]

Jimmy: Okay, lemme see. So, Scott works for an events agency, B's a social worker at a children's home...

Jimmy: Joel is a graphic designer and Lizzie works in admin for a pet shelter.

Tango: What about Martyn?

Jimmy: I don't know man, something in IT. I think for an insurance company.

Tango: Boo.

Jimmy: Is there anyone else?

Tango: Dude, I have no idea, all of my friends basically work here.

Jimmy: Not me.

Tango: Yeah, well... you're special, aren't you?

Jimmy: D'aw, shucks.

[thenormalspot]

my head canon castings for a live-action life series (with pictures for reference) based on mostly looks but also sometimes personality as a bonus. also I know this is not realistic in any capacity but it’s silly and fun and enrichment for me tehe. also some of the photos i edited with a really shitty software and it looks bad but its just to convey the message im not an artist (also unfortunately this is only part 1 because i can only put so many photos in a post at a time)

1) Grian

okay hear me out because i said this list was not going to be realistic but i think young damon albarn would make a good grian for some reason. i think irl damon is like almost 6 feet tall but in my head grian's character is short so pretend he's not that tall for the plot. HE JUST MAKES SUCH A GOOD GRIAN TO ME LOOK AT THE LAST PIC THAT IS literally a red jumper

2) Scar

Tom Welling from his Smallville days IDK I JUST THINK IT FITS OKAY like he’s even having to put a shirt on in this gif that’s so gtws coded (also so many of his pictures are shirtless??) but yeah i think live action scar would have to be portrayed by a beefy conventionally attractive man and that’s all i have to say on that

3) Bdubs

Rami Malek as bdoubleo because i feel like he could nail the delivery and also he's like 5'7 which is shorter than most of the people on this list. also just imagine rami in a moss coat. ALSO they both have the big beautiful eyes so i think it fits so on and so on

4) Joel

I am electing jon snow himself to play joel because a) idk and b) the last pic really sold me. just imagine a green streak in his hair and some mania and we have ourselves maybe a joel

5) Mumbo

okay listen first of all it's really hard to find actors with brilliant mustaches and second of all andrew garfield as mumbo makes a lot of sense to me. i think with black hair he would look a lot more like the part and i also think he would be able to nail mumbo's nervous and sometimes awkward energy and be generally silly and chuffed about shit

6) Lizzie

i kind of like natalie dormer for lizzie. i don't really have much else other than it really makes sense in my brain, but i really like it so lizzie is going to be natalie dormer because i make the rules in my brain

7) BigB

i am saying micheal b. jordan because i think he emulates bigb's charm. literally i think bigb has the same effect on life series members *cough* grian *cough* as micheal b. jordan does to most people.

8) Martyn

idk why but i like paul mescal for martyn. i feel like he would be able to play martyn's crazier arcs well (like his LimL ending) and would generally just be a martyn??? like i said chat idk but in my head it makes sense. IMAGINE HIM EATING UP A RED ARMY SCENE W/ REN THE DRAMA !!!

anyways the editing sucks and the casting is wack as hell BUT in my head this is the first round of life series members as live-action so here it is