#just go away? wtf is wrong with u... how can u even be online if u get that upset...

[bunnihearted]

i dont know how why or when it happened but i dont like that i get so much activity on my blog :( i made this blog to vent, and now bc more ppl see it, it means more ppl report my posts and i cant post abt sh or mental illness without being scared my blog's gonna get nuked... like im a freak in a mental hospital why do normies have to perceive me and then get all uppity abt what i post abt and then report me like go awayyyyy leave me aloneeeee :(( it annoys me so much but sadly when that point is reached u cant revert it. ppl are just gonna see my posts and report it and it makes me so angryyyyyy like why are u even online if u are incapable of curating your own space (without forcefully removing someone else's safe space) and just learning how to ignore ppl........ like fuck off and leave ppl alone

[eldrbraus]

TWISTED WONDERLAND BOOK 7 CHAPTER 2 SPOILERS. (summary, kinda. dont trust me a lot on literal translations its more of a general summary and i could be wrong with some things. also its kind of live reaction so. yeah. this shit is long btw. too much lore.)

no spoilers in tags, but beware that i will be spoiling the whole chapter for people who cant wait for the full translation/people who cant read it

we begin.

>lilia is asking malleus to use the dorm for a “im going away lol” party that apparently the whole dorm is organizing??? damn lilia way to make malleus sad lmao

>MALLEUS IS INVITED!!!!!!! HES INVITED HE GOT AN INVITATION AND EVERYTHING!!! SOBS. he even accepts it this is a glorious day for dragonchan

>uhhh something i dont fully understand but goes along the lines of malleus.. had gao gao kun.. FOR 17 YEARS??? AND WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENED TO THE TOY HE WOULD GO TO LILIAS HOUSE FOR HIM TO HELP HIM??? omg thats so fucking cute help

>basically more talk about how time goes away way too fast for malleus

>lilia comments how the more time you spend with someone the harder it is to say goodbye (bestie arent you going away like too easily then? sus.)

>lilia left and OOP. MORE MALLEUS BLOT. NOT GOOD. malmal is very confused??

>lilia goodbye party already??? wtf thats fast

>so apparently every single character is going to be here (almost...)

>hmh where the fuck is malleus? lol what

>trey says something along the lines of lilia having a hmmmmmm unique??? way of cooking LMAO. lilia thanks trey for his cooking advice (YOU DIDNT LISTEN EVEN ONCE WHAT THE FUCK LILIAAA)

>cater....... hes so sad about lilia leaving the music club :((( he thanks lilia for being friends and they take a pic together waaaaa ;;

>lmao leona appeared and lilia is teasing him so much bcs leona is glad to not see lilia again

>LEONA WANTS TO LEAVE BUT RUGGIE SAID “NO??? THIS IS FREE FOOD??? R U DUMB” HELP

>octavinelle time! lilia basically gives all of them advice (azul dont be too greedy or it will kill you wwwww)

>floyd says something like “why are you leaving actually” and lilia says something along the lines of “i dont want you to see the ?? me?” the what you i didnt understand that part what are you hiding little bitch

>KALIM BASICALLY SAID THAT IF LILIA GOES TO HIS COUNTRY HE WOULD HAVE VIP TREATMENT FROM HIS FAMILY HELLO? and jamil comments how kalim wanted to gift him an instrument but they needed a TRUCK TO MOVE IT???? tf were you giving him, an organ?

>now to pomefiore, vil comments how malleus restored his beauty at the end of book 6 and wonders if they can do a magic transfer (?) of the same type to lilia and he says nah

>BECAUSE HES JUST OLD

>pomefiore is like ? arent you the same age as us

>LORE BOMBSHELL, LILIA SAYS HES ALMOST 700 YEARS OLD??????? (way less than i expected?? lol)

>LMAO THEYRE SO SURPRISED. rook asked if malleus is as old as lilia and lilia said that malleus is younger??? or that hes as old as them??? i didnt get that very well but something along the lines of malleus being way younger than lilia basically

>lilias family members are supposed to reach 1000 years old but apparently lilia was to eager? well not that, like he fucked up by playing too many games and that somehow made him old very fast? what (i think this might be a misstranslation help because it doesnt make a lot of sense. but something along the lines of lilia being 700 or so and his family being much older usually but him not reaching that age)

>cant remember exactly where it was but lilia also coments about how the dragons usually live much longer and that 1000 years for them is like peak maturity, when they become adults

>IDIA IS CRYING BECAUSE HIS GAMER FRIEND IS RETIRING FROM GAMING BUT HE WONT FUCKING CONNECT THE DOTS AND REALIZE ITS LILIA LMAO

>HE FORGOT TO ASK HIM HIS CONTACTS HELPPPPP

>also apparently him and lilia were their own best and first friends in online games?

>oh malleus and silver time! theyre in the main road to the main building 

>malleus is throwing a mild tantrum (?) and he made snow??? apparently

>silver fucking crying because he wasnt able to do anything for his dad bruh malleus feels the same

>more malleus blot?? what the fuck thats fast

>UH OH MALLEUS HAS AN IDEA. that cant be good.

>back to the party, first years time

>basically all thank lilia for everything

>i think ortho knows about lilia and idia being gamer friends but wont tell them??? he just said that idia didnt want to come and hands lilia a list of everything idia is playing (and lilia is surpised because most of the games are the same BUT HE WONT REALIZE) so maybe they can play a match before he retires i guess???? theyre so close to finding out but they wont fucking do it im going insane

>idia didnt come to the aprty btw he is the only character that is not there because he was mourning his friend quitting the game lmao

>lilia thanks yuu once again for being friends with malleus?

>HUH? A DREAM???? BUT YUU IS NOT ASLEEP TF

>yuu asks lilia if they can do anything for him and lilia asks the first years to be friends with sebek because poor croc hasnt made a single friend rip

>lilia apologized for sebeks behaviour bcs ace i believe said that he was so rude and said to sebek to behave but sebek.... refuses? lol

>LILIA IS GOING ALREADY AND MALLEUS AND SILVER ARE NOT BACK YET STOP.

>apparently lilias card for nrc arrived 500 years ago but he didnt care back then? so when malleus received his much later he went along with him (and he thanks crowley for letting him enter the school 500 years later lol)

>LILIA IS GOING

>MALLEUS AND SILVER ARRIVED ON TIME!

>malleus is really happy everyone is there

>??? the party said that no gift was needed but malleus is brining lilia a gift anyways, a “blessing”. uhhhh. 

>m. malleus is like way too happy about this. hes saying something along the lines of “today we dont celebrate an end but a beginning” uh. not good.

>this bitch is way too happy tf

>BASICALLY MALLEUS PLAN IS THE MUGEN TSUKUYOMI HELP?

>ORTHO IMMEDIATELY DETECTED BLOT RISING

>crowley is fucking alarmed and he lets everyone use their magic 

>malleus regular battle HE HAS 300K HP AND REGENS 60K EVERY SINGLE TURN??????? BASICALLY AN IMPOSSIBLE BATTLE LIKE THE FIRST BATTLE IN THE GAME AGAINST THE CHIMERA

>you will lose this battle

>lilia tried to make magic to stop him but says something like “this body cant even do magic like that anymore?!” tf you mean “this body” do you have other bodies like dottore or what

>everyone is scared shitless HUH

>lilia is now insulting malleus calling him a dumbass or smth and saying that he doesnt know what hes doing and malleus screams that hes doing this to not lose him HELP

>sebek and silver are trying to calm things down, it obviously doesnt work

>malleus says something about grabbing his hand??? scary

>he gave his blessing! its a long ass spell btw. i think his “blessing” is his unique magic

>DAMN THAT LILIA SCREAM

>MALLEUS FUCKING OVERBLOTS. ALREADY???

>THE WHOLE SCHOOL WAS COVERED IN THORNS AND EVERYONE FALLS ASLEEP???

>malleus saying something about 1000 years will pass very quick wtf

>”you will become the heroes of the story”? malmal says something like that

>AND NOW

>AND FUCKING NOW

>WE RETURN TO THE TWISTED WONDERLAND LOGO. THE ONE FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE GAME. WHILE MALLEUS HUMMS ONCE UPON A DREAM.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.

THE TIME LOOP THEORY? HUH?

[dio-the-thot-exterminator]

I feel so weird and like I'm doing something wrong?? My Boss manager always being so passive aggressive to me or maybe I'm just not used to ppl being so stupid.

She's like "you NEED to be selling the credit cards more. You know we base your scheduling on how many credit card u sell and if you don't have high numbers then when I start hiring new people..."

HIRING WHO?????? HIRING WHOO???? Id like to see all the people you’re hiring hmm? Where? You can barely keep ur own managers from constantly calling out of work. So ur forced to do 60 hr work weeks every month. I know u ain't talking to me And the other two associates always call out or don't show up so I have to come and cover for them…I KNOW YOU AIN'T TALKING TO ME!??!??!?!?

"Your job is to sell the stuff at the counter and credit cards" ok then why am I sweeping the floors and cleaning the bathrooms and wiping the mirrors and pricing merch and tagging and taking out the trash and dusting and packaging online orders etc?

She like "even tho ur just an associate u NEED to be reading the emails everyday" girl how is knowing what the stores over n Texas and Florida make gon help me 💀 She acts like she got hella people on stand by bitch u dont she tryna lecture telling me I need to do more... All you do is talk on the phone and ask ppl to join ur church.

She be in the corner somewhere on the phone and the customers are like "um...excuse me?" And she ignored them so I gotta help them. Even tho she tasked me with scanning all the fucking items in the store!!

And she literally told me "u need to pay attention more to the customers YOU'RE NOT HERE TO COMPLETE TASKS!!!" AHHHHHHUAHHHHHHHHHHHHH what do you mean???????? Wtf am i here for then??

I'm bout to snap on her fr maybe I'm too combative… she got me pushing around this chart.

She was like complaining "uh make sure you fix that bcuz y'all like to leave it a mess 😒" And I was bout to say "bitch who tf is y'all??????" I KNOW how you are and I know you complain about every lil thing, so whenever i'm pushing that chart around it be looking neat and tidy and I put it back like that too. 

I'm da best employee she has!!! My other managers Jays and Red were literally like “ugh we were so lucky to have found you” and the other day a customer had came back into the store to tell my manager Red what a good job i did helping her find what she needs and being accommodating…The other associates dont do shit.

The college girl who barely works saw a box all messed up, she tried to quickly close the top (didn't work) and then she just walked away. I was like "um aren't u gon fix that?" And she was like "oh yeah right" Like??? And all she does is stand behind da counter. The store be a mess and she be standing.

The phone guy just be on his phone and he be chilling in da back. I know u are not on my case. when u let a whole ass employee stay in the break room his entire shift 💀.

I feel like she get someone sort of power trip off it and she just needs someone to terrorize and she choose me because I'm always there 🥲 (this is the reward i get for being a real ass employee??) 

Boss manager was like "I'm going to start quizzing you guys on what was in the manual  bcuz y'all act like talk forgot, you NEED to be following them!!" Girl still on shit from da "training" videos. Shit she don't even follow…

Yesterday she was like, “go reprice the entire clearance section, make sure you don't leave the chart out!!! Every Time someone walks in the store, put the chart back and greet them!!! (she's standing next to the entrance doing nothing) Well this NEEDS to be done before your shift ends so get it together hurry up!!! And you can actually leave the chart out when u need to ring someone up on the register (she is one the phone and didn't notice someone standing there) OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT GUY NEEDS HELP!!! HELP HIM!!! GOOOO!!! AND TAKE THE CHART WITH YOU!!!!! OMG OMG STOP STOP LEAVE THE CHART HELP THAT GUY NOWW UGHHHHHHH!!!!!" and she is...standing there doing nothing...he walked up to her first bcuz she was closer…

Its so awkward asking someone to apply for the credit card, bcuz the boss manager expects you to harass every customer (she literally follows them around the store and asking them repeatedly to sign up i counted once…she asked one person 7 times) AND it's not even only the credit card, it's everything in the damn store. AND she only wanted 1 person on the register even when its rlly busy, trying to sell everything in the store…. (you guys only 2 people are allowed in the ENTIRE STORE one associate and one manager bcuz the company wants to be cheap)

It's like the customer places whatever they’re buying down and I have to say “hey this thing is buy one get on half if you're interested, and we have this item on sale, also if you wanted any of these items they’re behind you. Do you want any of this? I can show you the different ones we sell. And we have this too. I can help you pick out the one you need. We also have a credit card, if you want, you'll earn coupons and get a discount off today's purchase :D"

And she wants us, to say that, TO EVERY SINGLE CUSTOMER!! Everyone…

So it gets so awkward asking, especially if they are just buying like one little item. And to make things worse she's so nitpicky about everything like I was asking if they wanted to join our rewards and she was like "ugh if you ask it like that of course they're gonna say no!!!" And then she...didn't give me a way I should ask them…

I just nod and say "okay" whenever she starts ranting. She just get on my nerves a lot but that's also bcuz ima hater. Idk i feel like i do everything correctly and efficiently so idk why my managers are always attacking or complaining about me. 

Can I pleaseeeee have a job where I only need to complete tasks??? Where are those jobs?? Someone point me in the right direction

[the80srewinders]

What the fuck is wrong with your cyber dependent ass. Why the fuck do you hate people who go offline for five minutes. Oh, yeah, because you're too retarded and crippled to have a life outside of the Internet you worthless fuck. Real people with real trauma don't spend that much time online you dumbfuck. Real people with real trauma have real jobs and therapy, shit you don't have or else your pussy ass wouldn't throw around sui threats. Your Internet addicted trauma-free weak ass and zoomer screen zombies like your poser ass are why we have so many fucking toxic DID communities, and fucking frankly, why we have only DID communities because you fake ass fucks are fascinated by DID. I've already called out your fake pussy ass for faking CSA, your last post just gave me another tool in exposing your faker poser ass. I mean, we all know you're faking trauma and DID because you admitted yourself you ain't got shit that the "valid survivors" do and that's your fucking words not mine. Instead of chronic pain, chronic fatigue or chronic illness, your weak pussy ass ended up chronically online and we all know chronically online people don't have shit wrong with them physically and you can fucking bet they never had trauma a day in their lives. People who use the Internet too much like you are toxic ass bimbos. I hope your iPad gets taken away so you can finally go out into the real world, touch some fucking grass and for God's sake, get raped while you're at it. Then you'll know the pain us real trauma survivors deal with.

poor attempt at tryna be "gangsta" 😹

first off i wouldn't be cyber dependent or wtv if we had people irl who supported us besides therapists, you don't know the situation you're just jumping to conclusions because you're a bigot

i don't hate people who go offline. I hate people who hate technology, hate the Internet, etc. and I hate people who are dumb like u n generalize the Internet as a whole as bad when it's not, it's js trolls like u on social media that make ppl think dat

besides resources on the Internet saved our life at our most low points, ofc wed defend technology especially Internet, how fkn ableist can u b

thanks, I already knew that and yk what? I can fucking kms if it would make u feel better bc I've hated myself for those reasons years before i was allowed on the internet 😘

first off... do u even hv real trauma? sure doesn't sound like it from the asks u been sendin atp or else you'd know us trauma survivors flock online bc it's a dangerous thing to talk ab irl. for reasons I shouldn't hv to state if ur a real trauma survivor. which I doubt u r 😹

your ask about me faking CSA because I wasn't hypermobile is a line of shi. ain't no1 out there who's rly been sa'd gon believe that or u.

uh bish how the fuck do u know wat I do and don't? for your fuckin information I hv been in therapy for DID treatment since dx in Nov 2022. n js bc I can't get legally employed doesn't mean I don't do shi for ppl that the body is able to do, which ain't much but it's smt like u js be tryna judge my life and what u think I do atp

also ik wtf i said.

I ain't fascinated by DID bitch I wish I didn't live w it. if u actually read any of my posts on our personal experiences you'd know how much I hate it. but mk, that doesn't fit wit ur narrative so u had to gloss over dat n move on

haha u contradict urself here. "chronically online people don't have anything wrong with them physically" bitchhh do u hear urself how u sound. first u were goin off on me bc I was too "crippled" which is an ableist slur for a physically disabled person now ur sayin I ain't got shi wrong w me. damnnn you js hate chronically online ppl atp like wtf is ur problem. being online literally every hour ur awake isn't healthy n I don't stand for dat but I also don't do dat either 😘 I'm online a lot and never go outside unless it's to go out in public but I do hella offline indoor activities too, bc yk that's a thing

i know imma bimbo, ur js jealous bc u don't have a sex life 😘 maybe if you stopped touching grass youd hv a sex life too

i already said this before n I ain't gon say it again i neva had an ipad. also thanks for telling me to get raped, i actually hv hundreds of times n as much as dat sounds like a stretch or made up, I can assure u 100% it's true n my fkn body is messed up from being raped so many fkn times. I've been raped again this yr and u don't know how many times I get sa'd by family members. u ain't no real trauma survivor or else u wouldn't wish dis on som1. fuck you bish.

[greenun0reversecard]

To catfish or to not to catfish. 1.

(SERIES OF OC X CATFISHER)

You walked into the local office of your police station, seeing people in cuffs questioning 'wtf is going on here, why so many people here?' You went up to the main office and handed in your report to Jessica. "Jess here's my report for the week on some old stuck up men trying to fuck little girls." "Rose are you serious? Like damn I'll have to hand this report into the chief, ya know the hot one? Damn I wish I knew what's under those pants" you shook your head at Jessica, "girl, I know ur my bestie but perhaps stop being so fucking horny for once?" Jessica chucked "rose, you know I love you right? What about your obsession with that guy, the one online tbh I don't know even how you like the guy, he's older than you rose" you laughed "look he's mature and shut up please because ugh your just-! Anyway I've got work to do at home to catfish some more older guys that have done wrong" Jessica gasps and slams the table with twisted games "your soo lucky that you get to go home and work there girlie but for me? I'm stuck here doing these damn reports but sometimes I get to see the funniest shit but please come back to the office, I miss my work bestie" she pouts and whines. "Sorry Jess, I love working at home it's more my style." You smirked and she playfully gasps "your leaving me here to dieee but alright cya bestie" you smile "cya girlieee." You quickly make haste for the exit but bumping into your boss the chief, he takes your hand and helps you up "I'm sorry John, I didn't see you, I didn't mean to walk into you-" before you can finsh he cuts you off by speaking "rose calm down please, it was an accident besides no one got hurt, right?" You glare at him. John tall and you were tall but he was taller which is why u hated him but you couldn't admit that he was nice so dreamy and good looking 'ughhhh I just wanna strangle you for being so God damn beautiful-' your overthinking of strangling your boss was cut short. "Rose are you there?" Fuckk what were you supposed to say like Oh SoRrY sIr I wAs To BuSy DaYdReAmInG aBoUt YoU, NO YOU CANT SAY THAT OR HE WILL FIND OUT THAT YOU HATE HIM but quickly you come up with a word. "Yes." WHAT WHY THE FUCK DID U SAY YES, YOU COULD OF DONE BETTER THAN YES YOU IDIOT! "Great did you put in your report in yet?" "Yes." STOP SAYING YES YOU DUMBASS. "Good job on your work, I'm exited to read it" you smiled as he walked away, YOU FUCKING SMILED OH GREAT NOW YOUR OVERTHINKING AGAIN GOD DAMN IT!!! You quickly make your way home and log into your discord account KittensAreCute21, you see your online friend MelanieMartinezGoodVoice29 has logged on. You both never met in real life and besides you both didn't know where each of you are, "MELANIEEEE HRUUU?" "I'm fine, I have work to do but I thought I'd pop in and say hello." Fucking dry for that shit. "Awww so sweet, hooman I thought we are going to catfish some old men today" "sorry kittens, paperwork to do, goodbye" and then he fucking logged off. You wanted to talk to Melanie and yet to discover who they were but you were also tired so you turned off your computer and went to bed.

[gokubrain]

Hi! What is Age 801 about (was it a DBS thing? I kinda refuse to watch DBS and have only read the Trunks/Goku Black arc, Moro arc, and [now] Granola arc)? Also, can we get some more canonically gay moments with Goku and Vegeta, please? Preferably DBZ and screenshots are a bonus. :-D Thanks! XOXOXO

HII buckle in this is a long one LOL

Age 801:

for starters, i've talked briefly abt age 801 on my twitter before but i'd be glad to talk about it here too HAHA

though i haven't actually played this first hand so i won't go into too much detail in fear of giving wrong information. BUT BASICALLY there was this game called Dragon Ball Online, which "was a massive multiplayer online role-playing game being developed in Japan and South Korea by NTL, set in the Dragon Ball universe." again i didnt play it but from what i understand it takes place 200 ish years after the end of the buu arc in dbz.

age 801 is the year of goku's death, but it goes deeper than that LOL

APPARENTLY as goku realized his time to die was approaching, he reached out to vegeta, and the two of them LEFT EARTH WITHOUT A WORD and traveled to a far away planet in the middle of no where to have one final battle where they both went out in a blaze of glory. i don't remember where i heard this but apparently their death battle caused a supernova that was seen from earth years later

guys?? if that's not the most fucking homoerotic and romantic thing you have ever heard than ur a liar HAHAHDFJH

ALSO THIS STORYLINE WAS APPROVED BY TORIYAMA WHICH IS ABOUT AS CLOSE TO CANON AS ANYTHING LIKE THIS IS EVER GONNA GET SO. personally i'm considering this the locked in, canonical ending for them because it's just SO perfect.

this idea that goku wanted to provide a sense of closure regarding their rivalry,, the fact that vegeta was just on board with dying like this before his time simply because he didn't want to live without goku,,, GOKU KNOWING THIS AS TRUE AND EVEN DECIDING THAT HE WANTED TO DIE ALONGSIDE VEGETA IN THE FIRST PLACE... OH THANK YOU DRAGON BALL ONLINE THANK YOU SO MUCH <3

i desperately wish i had more info on this to tell you, but i never played the game and the wiki is painfully short so !! like i wonder how long they were traveling before they found a planet far enough away,, if it took years to see the supernova then they must have been traveling for a very very long time. ALSO A SUPERNOVA??? HOW FUCKING SEXY IS THAT LOL, I LOVE SPACE/STAR IMAGERY IN TERMS OF KAKAVEGE (COUGH YOU ARE THE SUN AND I AM JUST THE PLANETS SPINNING AROUND YOU COUGH COUGH) to think that their simultaneous deaths erupted in a supernova...... god it jsut warms my heart so much THANK YOU dragon ball online

Kakavege Canon Stuff:

and nice timing, i was just looking for someone to talk with about this particular scene LOL

i'm rewatching dbz rn and i'm really obsessed with this one little filler arc that happens immediately after the saiyan arc. vegeta's on his way to some freeza planet to heal up, and goku's hospitalized. it's not very much content bc it's actually just a little side-thing that's shown while the Real filler is happening but i still love it regardless

i'm soo obsessed with this cinematic parallel here LOL i love that they're both healing from this battle at the same time but theyre also both thinking about what happened like. a LOT lol, pretty much any time either of them are on screen they're thinking about the fight that just happened HAHA

vegeta is literally floating in a healing pod dreaming about the fight whispering "kakarot" over and over?? and goku keeps sneaking out of the hospital to train for when vegeta comes back??

it's so cute LOL goku keeps like. getting out of bed and trying to train for when vegeta gets back and they're all like dude,,, ur seriously injured pls just stay in bed LOL

ITS HARD TO TELL BUT HE'S DOING SIT UPS HERE LOL

even outside of kakavege i think this is so fucking cute LOL HE'S LIKE "GUYYYSSS I'M FINE JUST LET ME TRAIN" AND THEYRE LIKE GOKU LMFAOFJDSJKFH YOURE IN A FULL BODY CAST....

but this concept that he's pushing himself wayyyy past his limits because he's so excited to fight vegeta again is just so precious wahhhh

ALSO THERES THIS ONE REALLY GOOD SCENE WHERE IT SHOWS VEGETA THINKING ABOUT GOKU AND THEN IT CUTS TO GOKU RANDOMLY PUNCHING THE AIR AND EVERYONE IS LIKE "GOKU?? WTF" AND HE'S LIKE "LOL SORRY I GOT EXCITED"AHAHKJFDSHA IM ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH THE LIKE. PARALLELS BETWEEN THEM WHERE THEYRE JUST BOTH THINKING ABOUT EACH OTHER AT THE SAME TIME ITS SO CUTE

i cant show it very well in screenshots but trust me the scene transition from vegeta talking abt the fight to goku just punching the air?? is so cute

if u wanna see it for urself i'll link it here, timestamp is 9:49

idk i just love it a lot LOL I KNOW ITS KINDA SMALL AND SEEMS LIKE IM REALLY GRASPING HERE BUT,, IDK I MEAN. the way the show sets it up so that's its like. vegeta in a healing pod saying "kakarot" (and NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS IN THE SCENE BTW HE'S JUST LIKE. "KAKAROT,,," AND THEN IT TRANSITIONS AHHA FDJH) and then immediately cuts to goku trying to sneak out of the hospital to train for vegeta's return (or smth similar)?? like the show is obviously trying to set up this parallel here between them and like. idk whether this is intentional or not but it DOES come off pretty gay imo LMAODJFJH

AND LIKE. OKAY i know vegeta's excuse is revenge and i know goku's excuse is wanting to protect earth when vegeta returns but,,, u also have to remember that goku LET VEGETA GO FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF SEEING HIM AGAIN LOL SO LIKE. basically this whole scene is goku being like "omg i'm too excited i can't just sit here in the hospital?? i have to train i have to be ready for him" LOL

this entire little filler is just so... like idk i feel like. during the fight they both had some wild thoughts and emotions flying around that they couldn't really sit down and piece together at that time (because.... they were amidst a life or death battle LOL) but this downtime is really important, like the seed has been planted and now they're both gonna spend time sitting here stewing and thinking about each other?? like this is IT, this is the first of many, many times that they'll be thinking about one another. this is how feelings start blooming hehe

one more thing, there's this scene where goku sneaks out of the hospital successfully and goes to train in the middle of nowhere but he overexerts himself terribly and falls, and as he's about to fall to his death he starts thinking about vegeta LOL

THIS HAPPENS A LOT BUT WHENEVER GOKU IS ABOUT TO DIE HE HAS A HABIT OF USING VEGETA AS LIKE. AN ANCHOR TO KEEP HIMSELF ALIVE AND PUSH FORWARD LOL

LIKE THIS INFAMOUS SCENE FROM MUCH LATER ON:

GOKU'S ON THE EDGE OF GETTING HIS ASS ABSOLUTELY KICKED AND HE STARTS HALLUCINATING ABOUT VEGETA?/AHGHADHFJJSDHGF

OKAY REWIND PLEASE I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS SCENE.

OKAY,,, LIKE. OKAY. OBVIOUSLY, WHY IS HE NAKED. OBVIOUSLY. GOKU?? HELLO????

BUT THIS JUST FUCKING PROVESHAHSDH GOKU USES VEGETA AS LIKE. A SOURCE OF COMFORT WHEN HIS BACK IS AGAINST A WALL!! HE USES VEGETA TO PUSH HIMSELF JUST AS MUCH AS VEGETA USES GOKU TO PUSH HIMSELF !! THEY'RE LITERALLY SO FDHSGJHKBDG

I COULD TALK ALL DAY ABOUT THE SCENE WHERE VEGETA GETS ALL VULNERABLE BEFORE DYING AND BEGS GOKU TO KILL FREEZA AND THEN GOKU BURIES HIM BECAUSE IT MAKES ME SO SO EMOTIONAL BUT I HAVE TO STOP HERE LOL i'm losing my mind

[ashistrashhh]

here are some fic recs!! including sakuatsu, bokuaka, kuroken and matsuhana bc i couldnt help myself

if you want, ask me about a certain ship and ill give you some recs!

-sakuatsu-

Marble and Sandstone by red_camellia

rating: G words: 12,937 chapters: 2/2 

author summary: Miya Atsumu only cares about volleyball and nothing else. That is, until he develops a strange obsession with the marble statue of a young man that seems vaguely familiar in his university's arts department. One day that statue comes alive as the very real Sakusa Kiyoomi, and they are left with the mystery of why Sakusa Kiyoomi was turned into a statue and only came back to life when Atsumu touched him. Their new-found connection and the strange mystery turns Atsumu's life upside down, not least because of his growing feelings for Sakusa.

my notes: this was a rlly cute fic!!! 11/10 would read again!!

let it go (paint my body gold) by lunarism

rating: T words: 3,272 chapters: 1/1

author summary: It becomes a routine for them. Sometimes they go grocery shopping and make dinner together, other times they end up talking until Sakusa feels like his own shower and bed is calling him. Every single time Sakusa gets home, shrugs his coat off, balls it up, and proceeds to scream profusely into the fabric for a few minutes.

my notes: pining!!! sakusa!!! also casual painter!atsumu!!! and they paint together!!!

craft a miracle with these hands, lips, (silence) by chrysanthe (sonderesque)

rating: T words: 4,252 chapters: 1/1

author summary: ‘Someone is here to ruin your night,’ his door tells him. ‘You should let them in.’ “I’M HOMELESS OMI-OMI. HOMELESS,” yells the one here to ruin his night. “LET ME IN.”

(What does Kiyoomi sell his sanctuary for?)

my notes: hnnn rlly fuckin cute,, and domestic,,,,

Clipped To You by littleboat

rating: T words: 8,174 chapters: 1/1

author summary: It starts with Hinata Natsu, of all people.

Well, if Atsumu’s being honest with himself, it started way before that, but he’s not, so that’s besides the point. And thankfully, he’s just petty enough to blame all of his problems on a thirteen year old girl.

or Sakusa starts wearing hair clips and Atsumu is more than a little obsessed

my notes: minor kagehina, bokuaka // god these fics rlly make me simp for fictional characters even more than i should. but!! sakusa!!! in hairclips!!! and a pining atsumu!!!

learn how to lay me down in something other than danger, other than fury by rosevtea 

words: 34,211 chapters: 1/1

author summary: All of the ways fellow college TA Miya Atsumu reinvents Kiyoomi's definition of normal.

my notes: god i loved this. it’s a fake dating au and like,, even though they’re “dating” sakusa keeps letting his guard down little by little around atsumu and it surprises everyone. komori and akaashi just know  that they’re were genuinely pining for eachother

among probabilities and a thousand fates by aalphard

rating: T words: 15,675 chapters: 1/1

author summary: prompt fill for “in a world where the red string of fate exists, person a’s finger always twitches when person b, who can see the string, tugs on their string” | or sakusa thought he had a tic and atsumu liked to see his confused expression when it started to happen exclusively when he was around.

my notes: i! loved! it!! so basically atsumu and osamu have the rare gift of seeing the red string of fate, so they know its real but sakusa, like most other people dont believe it exists. so atsumu gives sakusa a (kinda) hard time. rlly cute!! i love soulmate aus!

-bokuaka- 

love in the time of wifi by dalyeau

rating: G words: 4,177 chapters: 1/1

author summary: Akaashi is coming to terms with the fact that he might be romantically interested in his volleyball captain. Hence, doing what any sixteen year old with a problem should do. He asks about it online.

my notes: really cute fic about akaashi asking what he should do about his crush on a site similar to reddit. its kinda a “i didnt know it was you” kind of fic and it made me happy

steam by orphan_account

rating: E words: 8,474 chapters: 1/1

author summary:

 bokuto: why is he so hot bokuto: why am i so gay kuroo: LMAO you mean your vice captain right bokuto: yeah

The coach blew the whistle for practice to begin, and Bokuto drummed his fingers against the bleachers, awaiting Kuroo’s reply. He was about to walk away, when his phone buzzed in his hand.kuroo: i got this bro bokuto: what bokuto: wtf does that mean

Bokuto started to panic.

my notes: explicit!!! but really wholesome. kuroo is honestly the best wingman. i also think this is my favourite bokuaka smutfic?? 

just to miss the sun by rosevtea

rating: T words: 15,126 chapters:1/1

author summary: Everything begins to implode when MSBY Jackals outside hitter Bokuto Koutarou crashes Akaashi's livestream.

my notes: akaashi is a booktuber and bokuto crashes one of his streams. fans begin to speculate. rlly fluffy and can u tell i like bokuaka

brain fish by iceblinks

rating: T words: 12,026 chapters: 6/6

author summary: Akaashi wakes up to a string of texts from an unknown number. 

my notes: i love text fics and i love wrong number aus so u can tell how much i loved this. really fluffy and i come back to it time to time

-kuroken-

us three by honey_s

rating: T words: 5,137 chapters: 1/1

author summary: Kuroo’s gaze flits over to the utensil. His eyes bulge out of his skull. “Wh—is that a meat hammer? Put it back!” Akaashi’s head recoils back in confusion. “I don’t understand the problem here.” “Why on Earth have you got a fucking meat hammer? We aren’t going to kill somebody!” “Well,” Akaashi begins, clearly taken aback, “I apologise for assuming. I had heard Kenma-san had been hurt in school and after getting a message from both of you to meet late at night, I merely filled in the blanks and assumed we were going to beat someone up, for lack of a better term.” “Not literally! I meant metaphorically, or figuratively, or something!” “Idiomically?” “That isn’t a word, Bokuto-san.” “Jesus Christ,” Kuroo groans, dropping his head into his hands. “We're going to jail."

my notes: bokuaka and kuroo are ready to beat someone up for kenma!! and we stan!! 

Cherry Pits and Cat Tattoos by strawberryriver

rating: G words: 6,141 chapters: 1/1

author summary: 

Kuroo has been in communication with his soulmate ever since they were kids. They've known each other for so long that he never really worried about when or how he would meet them. At least, not until he meets the roommate of Bokuto's soulmate.Soulmate AU in which things written on your skin show up on your soulmate. Companion piece/same AU as Serendipty

--------------------

Kuroo Tetsurou liked to write on his arms. Despite his mother's half-serious warnings about “ink poisoning” or staining his skin, he insisted on marking his arms and legs wherever he could. Not like his best-friend-since-always Bokuto Koutaro, who had to write on his arms or he’d forget to breathe, but artfully. He’d draw designs, animals, the occasional chemical compound. The whole idea behind soulmates fascinated him: how one person could mark their arm and someone potentially thousands of miles away, would have that same mark appear. The amount of articles, studies, and books he’d read about the topic, even at a young age, could put an undergrad researcher to shame.

my notes: again with the soulmate au bc i cannot help myself. but really cute!!! probably gonna read this again later!

Boom, Toasted by protostar (hearthope)

rated: T words: 6,782 chapters: 1/1

author summary:

 FROM: yuuji any bets on who hes texting??

FROM: eita He's smiling at his phone. Kuroo, probably

FROM: kentarou Kuroo

TO: fake family Have any of you ever once considered not prying

FROM: eita You deserve it

FROM: yuuji how can we not when ur in love!!

Kenma gets a text from an unknown number. He'd be lying if he said the guy behind it wasn't kind of endearing.

my notes: again, i love wrong number texts. it focuses more on kenma’s friendship, but kenma’s pov with texting kuroo is more than him realizing feelings and stuff. really cute, ive read it multiple times. 

Japan's most subscribed by NeverNothing

rating: T words: 3,631 chapters: 1/1

author summary: Kuroo Tetsurou @blacktetsurou changed his bio : volleyball player, co-owner of Bouncing Ball Corp. and so much more ;)

my notes: i! love! social media! fics!!! really cute and basically people wondering who the mysterious kuroo is to applepi. 

MATSUHANA!!! the underrated gem

texting (with a capital S) by parenthetic

rating: M words: 2,119 chapters: 1/1

author summary: Hanamaki breaks his No Texting In Class rule, and it's all downhill from there.

my notes: honestly more funny than it suggests, but its matsuhana, they’re meme lords.

rated m for by orphan_account

rated: T words: 10,692 chapters: 1/1

author summary: He should have known that there was a Specific Reason™ why it was so absolutely vital that he and Matsukawa specifically meet for a reading of the script. He should have known that there had to be some evil catch beyond sitting in a tiny, cramped studio with his newly sworn enemy.

Hanamaki stares at the title of the script he’d so gracefully neglected the night before.

FORBIDDEN PARADISE

“Excuse me,” Hanamaki starts, raising a pen in the air while staring blankly at the packet in his free hand. “Just to clarify, you want me to record a boy's love CD with Matsukawa?”

my notes: a very good voice actor au. there is some misunderstanding on hanamaki’s part bc he didnt finish listening to matsukawa, and this is really cute and i love matsuhana. 

In A Quiet Night, All Sounds Carry by levyovochka

rating: E words: 4,794 chapters: 1/1

authors summary: “Ah, ah, Too—!”

Hanamaki hates his university dorm.

“—ru, let me cum, please!”

Hold up. That’s a fucking understatement. Let him rephrase it: Hanamaki loathes his university dorm with passion. Detest the damned abomination, abhors it—

“—ru! Coming, coming—”

It has only been a month and Hanamaki already wants to die.

my notes: as u can guess minor iwaoi // rlly well written and bottom hanamaki rights and maybe my favourite matsuhana smutfic??? and hooh boy i simp for matsukawa

call me maybe by totooru

rating: T words: 33,689 chapters: 14/14

author summary: Hanamaki texts the wrong number when trying to extort tips out of Oikawa in order to defeat Iwaizumi in arm wrestling, and then continues to text the witty stranger who had answered.

my notes: minor iwaoi, daisuga, bokuaka // god i think this is my favourite matsuhana fic overall, maybe in general, but my god is it great. this is probably a common rec, but its understandable as to why it is. basically au where makki texts matsun (who goes to karasuno) instead of oikawa for tips to beat iwaizumi at an arm wrestling match. but they keep messaging. and holy shit i love their conversations. please read this, it is 256/10

there we go!! i might go a part two with more ships (kagehina, tsukkiyama and iwaoi) but this took up way to much time lol. i have an essay due in a couple hours. but hope u like these fics as much as i do!!

[pandemicthestory]

10: confused

Fake it til you make it.

In the middle of the City, fairly close to the Academy, there is a chrome-colored building that is taller than almost all of the rest. Night and Sugar stand in front of its doors, wondering how they’re going to get in.

The building is called “Mecca.” It’s filled with headquarters for top companies--mostly builders, but also fashion and interior designers, medical technicians, and game developers. Thousands of civilians report here for work 5 days a week. But since it’s Friday, as soon as it’s 5 o’clock, these workers will leave their desks and head to the top floor. 

At the top floor of Mecca is LOUNGE, an exclusive night and day club where windows are always blacked out and the passing of time can’t be measured. A night club meets speakeasy meets casino, this is where the elites go to unwind. After a long week’s work of building, the business men and women of Mecca can swipe their membership card at the top floor and indulge themselves in the darker parts of life. 

And this is exactly where Sugar intends on taking them.

“There’s no way we’re getting in.” Night mutters, hitting his forehead with his palm. This situation feels seriously illegal and seriously stupid. As he and Night stood at the front of this massive building, Night begins to wonder if he’s made a big mistake. 

“Hold on now, don’t give up just yet, man. Listen, the separation medical facility is in this building.” Sugar explains. 

“So..?”

“People think we’re Vacaters. So, we���ll tell security that we have appointments today, they’ll let us in, we’ll head to the facility and…” 

“And what?”

“And figure it out from there? Let’s go dude!”

*buzz*

*buzz buzz buzz* 

Suddenly, Night’s phone starts blowing up in his pocket. He can’t ignore it, because it just keeps going. 

“Hold on a second, Sugar…”

Night reaches into his pocket and sees that he has several missed texts and calls. From Julian. 

Oh god, what does he want from her so desperately? What could be so important that it can’t wait? 

This is why he’d tapped Emma’s phone. It wasn’t because he’s creepy or trying to infringe on her privacy, though, he’ll admit, that’s exactly what it looks like. No, it’s because she’s unpredictable, and surrounded by people who don’t know what’s best for her. And because he really needs her to make it here. 

JULIAN: where are u 

JULIAN: stopped by your house and u weren’t there 

JULIAN: ur mom said u were out for a walk, but i don’t think that’s true. Tell me what’s happening

(3 MISSED CALLS)

JULIAN: your friend zoe says that you’re out somewhere with her boyfriend. Care to explain? Wtf is going on...we’re leaving in a few days Emma

(2 MISSED CALLS)

JULIAN: we’re leaving tomorrow

Leaving?

Leaving where?

Night had known that Emma was planning something, just not what. Apparently Julian does. 

Sugar taps his foot impatiently while Night composes a response to Julian. With the software he installed on his phone, it will be rerouted through Emma’s number. He’ll have no idea.

“EMMA”: Going where?

A pause, and then Julian is typing. 

JULIAN: there you are. Fuck. don’t do that to me 

“EMMA”: where are we going, julian? 

JULIAN: what are you talking about? Are you trying to distract me from the fact that ur out chilling w Gabriel? The fuck?

Now Night is actually confused. Is this why she didn’t answer him? Because she was busy with Gabriel? And for that matter, who the hell is Gabriel?

What’s going on Emma? Everything you need was sent straight to your doorstep. Couldn’t have been easier. All you had to do was get the mail. So what went wrong?

Sugar yells to him, “DUDE, NOW.” 

“Ok ok, I’m ready!” Night says, while composing and sending one last text.  

“EMMA”: i’m not going anywhere with you julian. I’ve changed my mind. Don’t contact me again

Night runs after Sugar. He wonders to himself...what does such a smart girl see in such a profoundly stupid guy? Is she that starved of attention that she’ll settle for anyone who gives it to her? Note to self: that question will probably be offensive to her if he were to ask it. So he will not.

But hopefully he’ll at least have the chance. Soon. 

Sugar storms ahead, and Night basically has no choice but to follow. 

Sure enough, they head through metal detectors on their way in, and are then greeted by a squad of security guards. A guard steps in front of them. How many times is this going to happen today?

“Please swipe ID cards on the way in.” 

This guard is nicer than the last one, he said please. He’s still in the way though. Sugar steps up. 

“Hello sir, we don’t have ID cards because we don’t actually work here. We’re merely here for our appointments at the separation facility. We’re wearing our uniforms to indicate our status.” Sugar says, oozing with professionalism and aggressively overdoing it. Night fights a laugh under his breath (“merely..?”) and Sugar elbows him discreetly. The guard frowns.

“Is that so? We weren’t told of any separation appointments scheduled today...in fact, it’s rare that they’re ever scheduled on Fridays. What’s the reason you’re here for the service today instead of Monday?” 

At this moment, both Sugar and Night are hoping that the other one has more knowledge of who the hell Vacaters actually are and what the hell the separation facility actually does. Unfortunately, neither of them do. Night realizes that he’ll have to throw another hail mary pass and hope for the best.

“Well it’s because, the...service...is going to be followed by a session with some other associates at LOUNGE.” 

Now it was Sugar’s turn to try not to laugh. That was officially the dumbest ass response ever, which is why he is the resident debauchery mastermind and Night spends every night in front of a computer and a dead plant. 

Night tries to remain confident. He couldn’t bank on these guys not understanding Vacaters, like the last pair of idiots, but he gambled that he could bank on them not knowing much about LOUNGE. From the look of it, these guys don’t seem like the type to be invited to an exclusive, glamorous party. They’re wearing jumpsuits. 

“What? Really? That’s so...unusual.” One guard says. The other nods in agreement. They actually seem a bit...jealous? As in, why have these two bratty teenagers been invited to the top floor when we who have worked here for five years never will?

“Well yes, my father is a builder and it’s, uh, a sort of rite of passage for me to be vacated, er, separated, alongside him. In a celebratory way. After work.” 

If Night got away with this, he’d owe the forces of the universe one. 

The guards just nod in admiration while Sugar looks incredulous. 

“Well then, good luck young man. We hope your last night will be a special one.” 

The guards exchange nods with Night and Sugar, who head forward to the glass elevator. 

“Separation facility is on 43!” Calls one of the security guards from behind, almost wistfully. Maybe one day he’ll get the chance to see what’s up there. But not likely. 

Once inside the glass elevator, Sugar hugs Night around the shoulder. 

“Ok honestly, I’m a bit shook that you’re a bad ass. Was pretty sure that you were just a virgin computer nerd.”

Night laughs to himself. That’s all that anyone has ever expected of him. But right now, seeing himself through Sugar’s eyes as a genius lawbreaker feels good. Intoxicating, even. 

“What floor’d he say? 45, was it? Sugar asks. 

“Why not go straight to the top?” Night asks, with a mischievous grin.

He hits the number “100” without waiting for an answer. 

* * * 

Emma crashes through the front door of her house, ready to have to explain herself to her parents and hoping to get through it painlessly.

But they don’t seem to be home. “Mom? Dad?” 

They must be out looking for her. Now it all makes sense...her neurotic mother was blowing up her phone because she couldn’t even trust her daughter to take a walk around the damn block. Then her phone got destroyed in the parking lot. And now, since she hasn’t answered, they’re out looking for her. And when they eventually get back, she’ll probably be sent to prison. Cool.

Emma decides to take this time as a gift. Tune everything else out. This is her shot to save Isabel. 

Emma runs upstairs to her room and tears the cardboard off the headset. She tosses the instructions aside because she has enough knowledge to put one of these together without them. 

Does it need to be charged? It does not. It’s ready to go. 

Now, to check on the download…

7 HOURS REMAINING

She groans. It’s speeding up, but not enough. She needs to plug in now, not in 7 god damn hours. She sees on her computer that there are a shit ton of unread G-chat messages from Zoe. Ugh, she’s probably dealing with some sort of jealousy moment right now and Emma just doesn’t have time to deal with it. So she doesn’t open them. Sorry Zo. You’ll forgive me.

Emma wracks her frazzled brain--there’s gotta be a way for her to get online and contact Emma.

Wait. 

Emma runs across the hallway to Isabel’s room, carrying the headset and headphones. Isabel is still slumped over in her chair, alive, looking the same as before. Well at least she’s alive, which is cool. Emma examines the game on the computer--scanning the twisted map view of a city for any sign of her sister. None. Hm, guess it doesn’t work like that. 

Emma looks at the game settings. 

Ah, input/output. Yes. This is it. 

If she can’t join from her own game, maybe she can join Isabel’s.

Emma sits down on a pile of clothes in the back of Isabel’s closet. She might as well get comfy, she could be here for a while. She puts on thick noise-canceling headphones and the headset, and everything goes dark and quiet. 

Power on. 

Emma wirelessly connects to Isabel’s computer, then sees the icon for the Universe game pop up in front of her eyes. With a nod, she selects it.

Black becomes blue. 

Silence becomes ambient drone music. 

Isabel’s done VR before, so she expects this. She still feels excitement. This technology never ceases to amaze her. 

It’s when the feeling of the laundry beneath her fades away into a rush of cold air... 

This, she does not expect. 

[bedbellyandbeyond]

Gainer, Part 1

(Sort of a One Shot Story Post 1/3)

“Alright, guys. It’s week three of my gain train and I have gained…” Jeffrey stepped off the scale, opened his eyes, and sighed. “…Point…five pounds. Well. That’s progress! I’m sure…I’m sure my body just needs to get used to this new gaining thing. I’ll update you next week. Subscribe to HEFFrey! Later!” He turned off the camera and groaned. Another week of failure. Any kind of gain would’ve been nice. Muscle gain. Fat gain. Subscriber gain, even. He just didn’t know what he was doing wrong. The first week he’d tried stuffing himself silly. Second week was gainer shakes and reps. Third week was water chugging to try for even water weight. But everything just went straight through him. He had been cursed with this scrawny twink body when all he wanted was to be a big bellied bear. His aunt had said their family was blessed with a godly metabolism but he always felt like it was more than that. He couldn’t gain a pound even when he tried hard. He felt doomed to being a hundred and twelve pounds soaking wet.

The comments were nice though. Since his channel was new, it was mostly supporters, hardly any trolls bothered to lurk around him, though he’d get the odd ‘wtf’ down there or people who wished they could keep weight down and envied him. Mostly though, he had some followers who encouraged him and looked forward to his development. They said he should keep trying and he’ll get there. But it just felt like an impossible dream. This night a couple comments popped up right away. ‘Love the water stuff. Keep it coming.’ ‘U cute already. No need for gains.’ ‘More ass shots.’ ‘Hnnnghgnnnnngnghg’ He chuckled a bit at them. He knew guys would be jerking off to it. In a way, it was what he was going for. It made him feel sexy, though it felt a little gross at times. Essentially, it depended on his mood. But it was a fetish thing, gaining, so he knew what to expect. Another thing he expected were the suggestions. In fact, he’d only tried to water gain because of a suggestion on a previous video. So when he saw a comment of someone trying to peddle some kind of gain quick scheme, he was mildly interested. ‘I have trick for you. It is good. Get big fast. Just a drink. Message me contact info.’ He rolled his eyes. Guys were always trying to hook up with him like this, and it was a little annoying. ‘Get big fast’ wasn’t going to be enough to get his digits. He never met with people from online. Call him traditional, but he was a face to face kind of guy. He wasn’t even on Grindr. There weren’t any other comments worth scrolling through, so he plugged in his phone and decided to retire for the night. He went to bed emotionally deflated and hoped he could find something new to try tomorrow.

“You’re HEFFrey.” He was at his favourite bar the next night. He was never a big fan of beer, but his gainer mindset convinced him if he drank it enough, maybe one day he’d have a trucker worthy beer gut. He was two coronas deep when he heard the name called out. The music in the bar was loud though and his lightweight ass was a little buzzed already so at first he thought he was just hearing things. But then again in the strong accent he couldn’t place, his tag was called again. “You are HEFFrey. Gain boy of the web.” A tall stranger had sat down next to him. The guy had very pale skin, jet black hair, and these wide blazing sun coloured eyes that stared so deeply. He didn’t move as he spoke directly at Jeffrey. “It is you, yes?” he asked again. “Uh…” Jeffrey started sweating all over. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, was all he could think. His biggest fear was someone recognising him from his channel. That’s why he tried not to film his face in the videos. So how did this guy know? “Must be you. You have the mother’s marking,” the stranger said pointing to a spot on the back of Jeffrey’s palm. “My birth mark…” Jeffrey whispered, pulling his hand away and cradling it. “So… You got me… Please though, it’s private. Don’t tell anyone.” The stranger shook his head. “No. But I left you a comment. Did you read?” “Uh, thanks bro, but I get a lot of comments…” “I help you. I know fast gain. Big gain.” Jeffrey blinked. So this guy… Was this the guy who asked for his contact info? He always imagined his subscribers lived halfway across the globe. What was the coincidence they’d be meeting in the same city in the same bar the very next day? “I have gain product,” the guy said. After he finished speaking, he actually moved now and fished a bottle out of a satchel Jeffrey hadn’t noticed earlier. The bottle looked just like the one of Mass Gainer he had at home, but this one was in some unrecognisable language. Jeffrey blinked at it and scoffed. “I’ve tried that kinda stuff…” “No. You have not. This is not like your lame human powders. This is from my homeland. It is guaranteed gain.” “Listen, dude. Nothing works on me,” Jeffrey said. “This stuff sounds great, but I’m almost ready to give up.” “No!” The guy shook his head quickly. “You are my favourite to watch. I promise you, this works.” Jeffrey huffed and drank a bit more of his beer. “What do I gotta do? I can’t read that shit…” The man beamed excitedly. “It dissolves in any drink. Milk. Water. Beer. Smoothie. Up to you—” Jeffrey snatched the bottle, uncapped it, and poured half a cup of it into his beer. He lazily swirled it around with a finger before chugging it down. The alcohol went straight to his head and he felt a little tipsy. “Ah… Oop…too fast.” The stranger watched him in awe, a pleased smile on his face. “How do you feel?” “Like this ain’t gonna work…” Jeffrey leaned forward and grabbed the handsome strangers shirt. “But I did it for you cause you’re hot, so how ‘bout you take me home?” The stranger all but sparkled. “I’d love to.”

The next morning, Jeffrey woke up with a wicked hangover and an ache in his anus he felt like he would feel for days. He didn’t remember much from the night before. He remembered little clips: a car ride, the sound of his keys, shirts flying off, the overall feeling of being hot and horny. But now, he felt sick and gross, with a side of regret. But he knew the ache of a good fuck and it had been a while. Too bad he couldn’t even remember the other guy’s name and he was nowhere to be found… After throwing up in the bathroom, he pulled himself to his feet and went to wash his face. The water was so cool and refreshing it helped him think straight and his vision cleared up as well. A second later, he was staring at himself in the mirror. “…No… No way…” He backed up slowly, staring down at his midsection. He couldn’t believe it. His usually concave stomach was actually slightly bloated. For anyone else, this would be a side effect of all the beer and snacks he had the day before, but for him, it was like he’d become as fat as Santa Claus. He couldn’t believe it. Looking down, he pressed a finger into his stomach to make sure it was real. When his skin resisted, he felt almost faint with delight. It worked! That guy’s stuff, whatever it was, actually worked! And overnight too! He tried to reconnect his mind to his feet so he could go stand on his scale. He closed his eyes and counted to three, then looked down. “…Two…Two pounds? Two pounds!” Jeffrey started panting. “Oh my god… Oh my fucking god… I need to… I need to vlog this!” He nearly tripped over himself trying to get to his camera. He was so excited to share his new growth. “Hey, guys! So...Oh my god, this is a pretty, uh, impromptu video. I said I'd be back next week, but, uh... Well, just look!” He paraded his new body in front of his camera very pleased with himself. “So, this growth is kind of a mystery... I met this pretty hot guy who had, like, a gainer shake powder or whatever. Some cool foreign stuff. Threw it in my beer and here we are. I’m so excited. To that guy, thanks bud! I didn’t get your name but like… You know. Hit me up.” He rubbed his stomach happily and patted it. “Okay, so that’s all for now. I can’t wait to see where we are next week.”

This slight new shape gave Jeffrey so much confidence. He celebrated every night and woke up each morning ridiculously hungover. He managed to sober up for his work shifts but he didn’t have too many shifts so he didn’t worry about it. Besides, his cousin, though barely around, paid for everything in their apartment so work wasn’t important to him. He’d started dedicating all his own income to this gain thing. He always went to the same bar each night but he didn’t see the powder guy anywhere again. He shrugged it off though. You could only get lucky so often, right? Flipping on the camera a week later, he nearly danced in excitement. “Alright, first reading of the day,” he said. “My appetite’s been up and as you guys can see, there’s definitely new growth. I feel like I should have, like, a name for when we do a scale reading… Scale…scale… Uhhhh… Measurement mode? Hah, I don’t know… I’ll work on it…” He stepped on the scale and beamed. “Another two pounds! Guys, I’m… Just wow. I’m 116 lbs now. I never thought I’d get here… Let’s do a belly measurement!” He pulled out his measuring tape and pulled it around his middle. “29 inches! God, I mean, compared to what’s out there, that’s pretty lame, but for me, this is so dope. I was 25 inches two weeks ago. Jesus. I hope this keeps up. I’m fucking…I’m shook or whatever.” He turned and gave them one last extended front and profile view before signing off and turning off the camera. He wasn't much of an editor so he just re-watched it to make sure he liked the video and threw it up online. Within minutes he was getting quite the comments. Many were just as excited as he was and he loved it. One guy mentioned his arm was still bigger than Jeffrey but Jeffrey didn’t mind. He knew he was gonna get big. He just had the best feeling about it.

Part 2 Part 3

[29anima-blog]

Best. Convo. Ever.

3:27AM    4/03/19

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You both like sad.

Stranger: Hello

You: hello

You: hows it going fellow sad human :)

You: :(*

Stranger: Not actually a human

You: :O same here

Stranger: It's going alright, not really that good

Stranger: How about you

You: mehh could be better

Stranger: I feel that

You: anything particular or is it just life lol?

Stranger: Yeah, just need some inspiration to get me going again

You: aha i getchu

Stranger: How are things on your end? What can make your life better

You: ahh thats a big question

You: lets just say im quite an overthinker

Stranger: I know the feeling

You: So I worry too much about what I want to die with my life etc

You: but im going through a "not giving a shit phase" atm lol

Stranger: Yeah, that's a big thing for a lot of people

Stranger: I'm sure you'll find something you'll enjoy

Stranger: Umm are you in any programs? Like that the school offers

Stranger: Maybe you'll find something you enjoy there

Stranger: Its always good to have hobbies

You: hmm not really im quite an antisocial person so i hadnt considered it

You: i do music on the side for fun

You: but its quite pricey hahah

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: Hobbies can definitely be expensive

You: yeah im currently saving up for some equipment so

Stranger: That's nice, goals yass

You: well what do you like to do for fun?

Stranger: ATM I'm into gaming

You: oo me too

You: although i havnt played games for a while

Stranger: Ahh

Stranger: I play shooters mostly

Stranger: I do enjoy other games occasionally

You: yaas pc or a console?

Stranger: Mostly console

Stranger: A little pc here and there

You: ahh i see

Stranger: Yep

Stranger: I'm just in love with edits in videos I want to be more involved with the community but like you I am also sort of antisocial at times

You: Ahhhh

You: you do edits?

Stranger: A little but I'm really not good

You: ah i doubt that

You: what types of edits

You: i wish i was good at video editing haha

Stranger: ATM kinda like a montage

You: ah thats cool

Stranger: I love the community but I'm just so scared of it tbh

You: ah i feels

Stranger: I've never really had anxiety and stuff, but I understand now

Stranger: There's a few people in the community I have a real hard time talking to

Stranger: Like my heart is bumpin' super fast and sometimes I get a sinking feeling

Stranger: Do you have any solutions?

You: aw one of my best friends is like that

You: hmm

You: well recently she's been forcing herself into social situations

You: umm

You: i would start small maybe just talk to a stranger on the bus or something

Stranger: I hate lfgs but it'll probably help

You: ahh understandable

Stranger: I suck online, in person I'm alright

Stranger: Idk why that is

You: i dont really like social situations but it doesnt make me too nervous

You: ahh really?its the opposite for me hahah

You: in person im awkward asf

Stranger: I can be too, but it's usually when I want people to stop talking to me

You: aha

Stranger: I'm not really one to tell someone to go away or shut up

You: For me it would take a while for me to be myself around you if id just met you

You: like id have to chill with you for a long time

You: yeahh me too tbh

Stranger: Yeah, I feel that

You: i get especially awkward if i like someone and im talking to them lmfao

Stranger: Oh lmao

You: thats the only time ill really be nervous

Stranger: Last time I was like that was middle school haha

You: ahh hahah

You: wait how old is middle school lol

Stranger: Do you play any sports or something?

You: we dont use those terms in the UK lol

You: yeahh basketball and I go to the gym a lot

Stranger: Umm like 12, 13, 14

You: ahh so how old are you now?

You: and are you into sports?

Stranger: 19 :/

Stranger: Yeah, wrestling

You: ahh 16 here

Stranger: Oh boy

You: Oo thats awesome

Stranger: Yeah it was fun

Stranger: Especially if you're good

You: i took up kick boxing recently

Stranger: Because then you can use it as like a line

You: i enjoy it way more than karate

You: ahh right

Stranger: Talking to a girl or something, be like aye come watch my matches

Stranger: Don't recommend sitting with them until after you shower tho

You: hahaha

You: ah well I am a girl so don't think i'd be doing that lol

Stranger: Idk some of the girls out here are spitting game

Stranger: Like when I was in school they were smooth af

You: lmaoo

You: id have to be extremely comfortable around someone to have game lol

Stranger: I'm just saying it's just natural for some

You: yeah ive seen

Stranger: One of my best friends, she had a guy miss his stop and go to her house I was like woah

You: god damn lol

Stranger: They ended up dating for two years

You: wow

Stranger: Yeah man, some people out here are experts, I've only been in a handful of relationships

Stranger: So I'm not the best when it comes to keeping people around

You: ahh i get youu

Stranger: Yeah, a lot of my relationships ended pretty bad

Stranger: How about you?

You: How old were you when u had your first serious relationship

You: aw damn that sucks

Stranger: Like 13

You: aha 14 here

Stranger: Wait what do you mean by serious?

You: when I had my first boyfriend

Stranger: Like sexual stuff or like

You: no just like

You: i dont even know what i meant tbh

Stranger: Yeah then, 13

You: rightt

Stranger: We we're together for a while going to each other houses to hang out and stuff

Stranger: I loved her family

Stranger: Super friendly

Stranger: We just drifted apart and I kinda was mean

Stranger: How did yours go?

You: ah suckss

You: well uh it was great at first

You: i was 14 he was 15

Stranger: Ooo

You: like we had a lot in common and many mutual friends

You: we were together for about a year

You: thinks just got ugly the last few months like he was really aggressive

You: and then yeahh that was that

Stranger: Like how?

Stranger: Idk I was just giving her the cold shoulder without even realizing it

You: at first he would just lose his temper and throw shit around or punch something

You: but then he hit me one time in front of all of my friends

Stranger: Yeah, that's a no no

You: and I was actually willing to forgive him but my friends didn't let me to

You: and im glad they didnt

Stranger: That's good

You: i was quite naive then but

You: nah lol

Stranger: I meant like them not letting you forgive him ahha

You: yeahh I know :p

You: were you in love with her

You: the girl you grew apart form

Stranger: Umm sort of

Stranger: Hard to explain

You: yeah love is a tricky word

Stranger: I tend to use it in the wrong sense

Stranger: Idk, she was really cool, we didn't really share many things but she was understanding

Stranger: Because we were completely different people

You: ahh

Stranger: At the end of the day, she had both her parents her whole life and was sheltered, I didn't so I knew way more than her in that sense

You: ahh :( must of been hard

Stranger: Eh, I had my uncles to keep me in check

Stranger: And even tho my dad wasn't there a lot to help me, he still showed me a lot of things

Stranger: Like never lay a hand on a woman, and look out for others

You: ah i see

Stranger: I'm the second oldest

Stranger: 2 brothers 2 sisters

You: ah wow

You: ive just got an older brother

Stranger: Was he nice ?

You: Well

You: when we were younger we pretty much hated eachother and he always hit me lol

You: but now he's more supportive and a much calmer guy

Stranger: Lmao

You: he had loads of issues i cant really hate him anymore

You: but he's quite a jealous guy so hes scared of other boys lol

Stranger: I feel that

Stranger: Oh really now? Like he doesn't have guy friends or

You: yeah hes been like a dad to me pretty much lol

You: nah he does but like

You: hes scared of my interactions with guys because, in his words he "knows what guys are like"

Stranger: That's true

You: so he would threaten me to not have a boyfriend and shit lol

Stranger: Yeah

You: im kind of glad he was like that though

Stranger: Have you been to a part yet?

Stranger: Party

You: prevented me from doing dumb shit

You: Yeah one

You: not really my thing

Stranger: Go to a few more then you'll see what he means

You: Yeah I pretty much understood from that party hahha

You: pretty much an excuse to drink, smoke and have sex

Stranger: Yep

Stranger: Like we come from different places

Stranger: Out here in Illinois people are like less picky

You: oh really?

Stranger: A lot of my friends back back in middle school lost their virginity to the same girl

You: whoa

Stranger: So like I your brother said, he knows what guys want

Stranger: When I mean a lot I mean like 3

You: damn

Stranger: Idk, I just don't like the idea of my mans being with the same girl as me

Stranger: I've always been like that

You: yeah i get you

Stranger: I'm glad you're close to your brother I'm not close to my older brother

You: ah what about your other siblings?

Stranger: Closer but not super close

Stranger: I kinda keep to myself now

You: yeah im close with him in one sense, but theres a lot i cant talk to him about

You: ahh i feels

Stranger: Yeah, like when I was 15, I stopped talking to a lot of people

Stranger: Depression hit me hard

You: shit :/

Stranger: Yeah, shit can be tough especially if you don't talk to people

Stranger: Just a fyi, if you have issues find someone to talk to

You: yeah definitely

Stranger: But be careful because some people will use it against you

You: yeah ive always been a closed book

You: especially females!!

You: they love having dirt on somebody

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: That's how my umm relationship at 15 ended

Stranger: I told her what was going on and she told the whole school and stuff

You: wow wtf

Stranger: It was really bad because I was umm sent away for a little

You: jesus

Stranger: Yeah I was out for like two weeks

Stranger: 3 days at the hospital then about a little more than a week at the facility

You: ahh shit :c

Stranger: After that I didn't really trust anyone

Stranger: Tbh I only just started talking to people about my problems

You: yeah i get what that feels like people have broken my trust a lot growing up

You: yeah same really

You: I was forced into counselling and i hating going at first

You: my counsellor saw i hated talking to people so she encouraged me to talk to a friend

Stranger: The person I had listening, I didn't really like her do I stopped going

Stranger: So*

You: and this friend i knew i could trust so i told her a lot

Stranger: That's good

Stranger: I grew away from my best friend

You: Yeahh it felt really unnatural so i just prefered talking to someone close

Stranger: There's just some things I can't tell him

You: Yeah i get you

You: I was scared i would drive her away if i told her certain things

Stranger: Idk I want to tell someone but I don't trust anyone

You: but i still told her a lot

Stranger: It's not about driving them away

You: someone in the family maybe?

Stranger: Its about them telling the person

Stranger: I told you how I'm not close to my brother but we have a lot in common and he's closer to the family than me

Stranger: So I can't really vent to my uncles or cousins

You: right

You: ermm

You: the things you wanted to talk abiout

You: is it something that can be used against you in a way?

Stranger: Sort of

Stranger: It's more or less like I'll say something then they'll bring stuff to just destroy my character and stuff

Stranger: The way we talk is people get really defensive and start attacking you if they don't like what you have to say

You: ah i understand

You: thats a shitty position to be in :c

Stranger: Yeah, I can't tell any of my online friends either because I don't want people to think different of me if they know I tried to commit suicide

Stranger: One of the people in the community I love knows because she was one of the first people I told

You: damn

Stranger: But she told her bf back in the day and he sent me a lot of hurtful messages

You: people can be really ignorant about these kinds of things so i get its hard to talk about

You: what the fuck

You: thats so messed up smh :(

Stranger: It was like 3ish years ago but I still remember it

Stranger: He isn't with her anymore but when I do end up talking to her, my stomach sinks so much

Stranger: And my heart beats really fast

You: crap

You: have you spoken to her about that?

Stranger: Honestly just thinking about her just makes me nervous, not really very briefly

Stranger: It was just catching up and she has changed as a person and I'm just scared tbh

You: ahh damn

Stranger: Honestly, this is the biggest reason why I don't feel motivated. This is why I need inspiration

You: what specifically

Stranger: The fact that she knows that I tried to commit suicide and like I said I want to play a bigger part of the community and she streams occasionally and I don't want the community to know. Because I know I'll get a lot of messages and stuff

Stranger: Hate stands out a lot more than support

You: ahh definitely i feel that

Stranger: It makes me really nervous

You: what do you think would help?

Stranger: I don't know

Stranger: I over think as well

Stranger: Like idk one of my good friends I've been playing with for a year straight kinda did some lame shit so

Stranger: I'm not really trusting anyone

You: ah damn

Stranger: We umm got into some illegal activities and he liked about something and it was something big

Stranger: So I don't know how much he'll do to make the like true even if it means one of us will get sent away to prison

Stranger: Lie

You: ohh shit

Stranger: Yeah, so I haven't talked to that guy in like 3 weeks or so

Stranger: So I'm on edge and don't trust anyone

You: thats understandable

You: given everything thats happened

Stranger: Thanks for listening

Stranger: Even tho I don't have solutions for everything I will try to talk to people a little more so I can be a bit more friendly

You: Thank you too stranger this has been quite a good talk

You: and i never do this kind of thing lol

Stranger: Oh?

Stranger: What do you usually do

You: Nothing really I just swim around in my thoughts

Stranger: Aww

Stranger: I wouldn't mind listening to some thoughts (:

You: Like I know there is a certain person I can trust but I hate worrying people or burdening them with my problems

You: ahh I appreciate that

You: I don't even know where to begin haha

Stranger: It's cool just say whatever's on your mind

You: Okay just so you get a better understanding I'll tell you a bit about me lol

Stranger: I'm all ears

You: Right so ill just start to when I was around 10 years old

You: I always felt different and I was quite isolated from people because of it

You: like i didnt really have friends because the ones I had ended up hating me or breaking my trust or some dumb shit

Stranger: What made you feel different? Anything in particular?

You: and I got bullied for like a year

Stranger: Ahh

You: Uhh well

You: I thought differently to everyone else

You: Like

You: everyone was so much more willing to be ignorant about things just because it made them happier

Stranger: Definitely, I know how dumb people can be

You: And everyone around me would be after small meaningless things and I felt like I always thought big

You: idk what im saying hahah but yeah people pretty much thought I was a weirdo and i got bullied for it

Stranger: A lot of people miss the big picture

Stranger: I never really got bullied

You: so when i was 11 i had my first real real friends

Stranger: A little name calling here and there

You: yeah it really sucked im glad it didnt last too long

Stranger: What we're their names?

Stranger: That's nice

You: hahaha

Stranger: Were

You: I really don't remember now I left that school

Stranger: Awww

Stranger: One of my old best friends was cody

You: ohh you mean my friends

Stranger: He was a goofy kid

Stranger: Yeah silly

You: soz im so sleep deprived i read it wrong hahah

Stranger: It's okay

You: Well there was three of us

You: crystal, danielle and tamanna

You: them three*

You: and there was me

You: so it was a small friendship circle and i was friends with them from ages 11, 12, 13, 14

You: like there was additions to the group but i wont say much about them

Stranger: I feel that we all got our groups

You: but during these few years i was still that same weird different kid

You: but I suppressed that and acted like somebody else so I would have friends

Stranger: I sort of did the same thing

You: and yeah these friends weren't great, they lied a lot, said a lot about eachother (including me) behind eachothers back, spread rumours, told secrets

You: so I knew i couldnt trust them with the things i was thinking or whatnot

Stranger: Yeah, it's tough finding trustworthy people at that age

Stranger: You gotta find them before all that

Stranger: Hormones can do a lot to mess things up

You: so yeah, 14 years old was when I was really down about it, I felt lonely all the time because I was constantly stuck in my own thoughts

You: yeahh definitely

Stranger: Did you think about the same things

You: So I would spend a lot of time on my own which was the biggest mistake lol

You: pretty much yeah but

Stranger: Definitely

You: there was a lot i was thinking about

Stranger: Like what

You: Ahh things about people, things about like, our purpose

You: it got really unhealthy i guess

You: life**

You: i guess i asked a lot of questions which couldn''t be answered

Stranger: When I was younger I always knew what I wanted in life

You: ahh really?

Stranger: Yeah, it's kinda silly and a lot of people think it's lame but my friends and I all wanted to become pro players

You: ah thats sick

Stranger: That was back in the day 6ish years ago

You: its not silly at all

Stranger: It is, in the sense that it's a lot of work and a lot of people don't make it

You: True but, its good to have dreams and ambitions

You: something to work towards

Stranger: Most definitely but people need a back up plan

You: Yeah definitely

Stranger: What did you want

Stranger: Like in life

You: I never knew to be honest

You: generally I wanted to help or inspire people

You: but never knew specifically what

Stranger: I'm sure there's something that'll bring you in (:

You: but that all went to shit when i got olde rhahah

You: yeahh I'm waiting for it :)

Stranger: I'm sure you'll get the passion back and start caring again

You: I hope so

Stranger: Sometimes when I need motivation I watch some videos of people I look up to

You: Theres other things I need to fix first before that can happen

Stranger: For sure

You: ah thats nice

Stranger: Work on yourself before helping others

You: Yeah I know that I should but

You: idk i never really felt worth the effort I always thought everyone else was more important

You: second biggest mistake lol

Stranger: I feel that

Stranger: I was actually failing a lot of classes because I spent all my time helping others and not doing my own work

Stranger: So I just cheated on all my paperwork with friends

You: ah wow

You: damn

Stranger: That was middle school tho

Stranger: Can't do that in highschool

Stranger: You'll get into serious trouble

You: yeahh

You: its kind of like that here

Stranger: Academic dishonesty is a big issue

You: slightly different system

Stranger: Especially if you want to get into a big school

You: but theres mostly exam papers

You: oh yeah 100%

Stranger: Yeah

You: ahh I have such little time to fix up though

You: like last year I was really stupid

Stranger: Why

You: and the year before hahah

Stranger: What did you do

You: ahh lets see

You: so

You: when I was 14 I just fell into a deep hole of bullshit and stupidity and got into the habit of harming myself

You: and I left all of my old friends and found new, even worse friends

Stranger: I feel it, I did the same sort of

Stranger: Did they encourage your behavior?

You: but i "loved" them for the reason that we would smoke a lot of weed together

You: no nobody knew i hid it all the time

Stranger: Ahhh, yeah drugs are definitely something interesting

You: yeah definitely

Stranger: I don't think anyone who isn't there mentally should do drugs

You: dumbest thing I could have done in my situation as it was the only think I was relying on to make me even the slightest bit happy

You: yeah so true

Stranger: Happiness can be tricky

You: and then in that friendship group was this one guy who I wont go into much detail about but we were both mentally fucked up so we were just toxic together and fucked eachother up even more

Stranger: I did the same thing

You: and my mum found out about me harming myself so i was forced into counselling, my mum was getting panic attacks because of stressing about me

You: which made me feel shit so i started harming myself again

Stranger: Awww ):

You: and then at 15

You: is like one of the most important exams we do in the UK

Stranger: We do it at like 16-17

You: and basically i didnt really care much about life so I purposefully failed everything

Stranger: ):

You: here its 15-18

You: 17*

You: and then i left to go to a new school because i hated everyone there so im going there currently

You: and the most important exams

You: well the first year of it

You: are coming up

You: and yeah I'm still not in a really good place mentally

Stranger: Do you know why that is?

You: I don't smoke anymore but I rely on hurting myself wayy too much

You: I honestly do not, and ive thought about it a lot too :/

Stranger: Is it what happened in the past?

You: i think its just many small things that just add up

You: maybe

You: this is weird but recently like im remembering stuff from my childhood that I had completely forgotten about

Stranger: Yeah, something like happens to me

Stranger: It's just weird dreams of the past

You: yeahh me too

Stranger: A lot of it is middle school stuff like dances and stuff

Stranger: Like dates and what not

You: ahh

You: for me its like when i was really really young

You: but idk because these memories seem really bizarre that im wondering if im somehow making some of them up

You: one of them which I know is true is the first time that my dad hit my mum

You: he never did again but

You: I dont know why im remembering it now

Stranger: That's good

Stranger: Umm I'm not sure tbh

Stranger: Do you believe in like the guy feeling and stuff?

Stranger: Guy

Stranger: Gut*

You: sometimes i guess

You: actually yeah

Stranger: Maybe something is going to happen

Stranger: I believe in it, a few weeks back I felt weird and stuff and then it came true

Stranger: Hopefully nothing bad happens

You: hm

You: yeah hopefully

You: idk thats not the feeling i get from this

Stranger: What do you get?

You: its more like me just remembering a bunch of shit i forced myself to forget

Stranger: Ahhh

You: but i just dont understand why im remebering now

You: of all times lol

Stranger: Maybe something that happened triggered that memory?

You: i dont really know

You: like sometimes its in dreams

You: sometimes ill just be daydreaming in class and remember something vividly

You: weird shit lol

Stranger: Nah I feel that too

Stranger: I was always in iss so I day dreamed a lot

You: i know a lot of people say that like things that happen in your childhood affect you when your older

Stranger: Yeah definitely

You: but would it still affect me even if i didnt remember them?

You: cos like some of it makes sense

Stranger: Yes I'm sure it would

You: when i think of these new found memories lol

Stranger: It's hard to explain over text but yeah definitely

You: yeah i getchu haha

You: but uhh yeah, theres a lot i need to change in my life lol

Stranger: Start small, silly

You: where do you even start lmao

Stranger: Ummmmm

Stranger: So how is your studying? Good bad?

You: terrible i dont even study haha

You: im basically doing what i did last year

You: i just have no motivation for it i guess

Stranger: But your future silly

Stranger: Don't you wanna help people?

You: yeah i stopped thinking about that a while ago

You: oh yeah i was gonna talk about taht

You: so uh

Stranger: Help yourself

You: Yeah like last summer

Stranger: GET AN EDUCATION SO YOU CAN GO FOR WHAT YOU WANT

You: lmaooo

Stranger: I just want you to do something you enjoy

Stranger: And not be stuck with something you hate

Stranger: Passion matters a lot

Stranger: And I'm sure there's some guy that'll love that you do that stuff 😉

Stranger: You'll be a major guy magnet

You: But yeah a little before summer one of my friends killed herself because of the guy I used to date (the toxic relationship guy) and it just showed me how different people are to how they actually seem. I basically started hating people and became a selfish prick and drove myself a bit crazy until one of my friends metaphorically slapped me in the face and woke me up. The hatred lasted for a few months maybe

You: i agree i still need to think about what i want i guess

Stranger: Try some programs, clubs or something (:

Stranger: Hobbies are always nice to have

You: yeah id just rather do hobbies alone than with people

Stranger: My friend went through the same thing sort of

You: i still sort of hate most people hahah

Stranger: I feel that

You: its weird but because of that i feel like i can read people and i know exactly what someones intentions are

You: which is stupid but

Stranger: Yeah some people feel that way

You: yeah i always think that everyones a fake

Stranger: My brother feels that way and I hate him

You: so it makes it hard for me to get along with people

You: yeah its really stupid i need to learn to trust people

Stranger: It takes a while but people's true colors come out

Stranger: Start small, work your way up

Stranger: <(^~^<)

You: yah i should

You: i need to do some serious soul searching hahah

Stranger: Yeah, I wish I could help, but I always knew what I wanted

Stranger: I'm sure you'll find yourself

You: ahh well you've been a huge help just by listening

You: ive said stuff ive never said before to someone so

You: its been really helpful thanks stranger :)

Stranger: Listen, at the end of the day it's whatever you want

Stranger: We can leave things here if you want

Stranger: Just remember to take care of yourself

Stranger: And please don't hurt yourself

You: ahh well small steps remember

Stranger: Life is beautiful

Stranger: Oh shush

You: hahaha

Stranger: See you around (probably not tho)- J

Stranger has disconnected.

[bpdeadd]

my mums on the phone complaining about me (I walked past and she stopped talking until I went upstairs) and talking about the therapy thing to one of her friends so 🙄🙄🙄🙄 but like after that session ended I was thinking they’d all go to separate rooms n not speak to each other - I was right ofc, n I went downstairs to talk to my mum to ask her about how she thought the session went n she seemed rly annoyed about me n my sister n basically I was saying I think as a family we don’t rly communicate w each other (and we don’t its like we’re not a fucking family like we don’t even know each other, but its also that neglect towards each other) and my mum was like ‘oh but u never talk to us anyways‘ n its like but we try to and u don’t listen n then u try n start an argument, invalidate us and shut us down for everything bc everything we do feel is ‘wrong’ and I was like yh but listening is also part of it, and she was annoyed about it bc she was like ‘u act like we don’t care and don’t listen to u n I find it rly insulting’ and I'm like thinking??? but u don’t care??? u never listen??? like a month or so ago I was trying to tell u how I felt n u just basically said I was like those ppl who fake illnesses for attention n she was basically making up assumptions about me and lying to my face about how I said I wasn’t depressed n I'm like I have never said that ever in my fucking life like wtf all I go on about is me being depressed and my pd - which they don’t accept the bpd diagnosis anyways n think I'm lying about having it n I'm like yh I've been lying for 4 years everyday since my diagnosis?????????? 🙄🙄🙄 I mean I went to fucking group therapy for it and I'm on the waiting list currently for help for it (for over a year now but tbh I don’t think I'm actually gon get any help so lmao) but clearly this is all just a big fucking act but w/e

like I try to actually start a conversation, communicate in some way and its like she doesn’t wanna know, like all she can do is complain at me about shit I do or say and then makes it out like I'm a bad person for calling her out and is so in denial about herself being like that - like rather then say ‘oh I'm sorry if I've ever made u feel like we don’t listen or care, what has made u feel like that?’ but instead she gets all defensive and acts like I'm in the wrong for even thinking that, and how fucking dare I. You can fucking not call out that woman for her behaviour bc she just doesn’t give a shit, and she's not willing to look at herself and her own behaviour and be like, maybe I have done something wrong? maybe I have been treating them unfairly, and not been emotionally supportive as much as I could’ve been. (I mean she's never been supportive, or anything so lmao, she just insults me, mocks me, invalidates me constantly, if smth bad happens to me or if something upsets me its either - get over it, or somehow its my fault and stands there blaming me, like she blamed me for my friends ghosting me and abandoning me and made it out bc I am ‘intense’ that thats why they left, even tho they ignored me, left me alone all day in my friends house in Spain (while they all went out for the day - I woke up and they were all gone we had an argument before they were basically making fun of one of my online friends and I got upset about it so they all went out the next day leaving me alone in a house in another country, and when they came back it was like 11.30pm or smth //they went out at like between 8-9am or w/e, so I was alone all day// cuz I woke up later - no note left or anything, and they never spoke to me when they came back I just heard my friend say ‘is she in there’ and my other friend put her face in through the door as I was watching tv and was like ‘yeah’ and left and then they all went outside and ignored me) and they purposely left me out of things/didn’t invite me places and used to flake out of ‘meet-ups/plans’ and never answer the phone and this one friend would basically be hanging out w her bf which is fine but when we’ve planned smth and then u basically ‘disappear’ and ignore my calls and texts n I find out later u’ve chosen yr bf over me w/o even just saying ‘oh I can’t go out today I want to spend time w my bf’ or w/e - which I'd still be annoyed at but atleast I'd fucking know (she did that all the fucking time tbh - she’d just never show up or ignore my calls/texts) and then my mum makes it out like I'm the fucking bad person??? (also plus this friend told their parents about me self harming, I had her little sister (who was like 10 or 12 at the time) ask me about it and I was like ???????? wtf how’d u even know about that??) but clearly I'm the bad person here like wtf 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ 

and when he therapist also during this session said ‘oh I think its rly gd that u all listen to each other and show respect towards each other’ and I'm like sat there trying to not laugh bc that is not what's going on - the only reason why no one is talking over each other is bc my dad doesn’t rly know what to say in ‘emotional’ situations so opts to stay quiet, my sister is too anxious atm (like she was breathing rly heavily during and kept leaving to go outside for abit) and if my mum says anything she fears she’ll be judged and the truth of her possibly being the cause of my sister and I being like this by the way she responds, would come out and the therapists would be like ‘ohhhh’ I mean, when I was talking about my bpd diagnosis I then looked at my mum and said ‘which I don’t think u’ve ever accepted’ and she just couldn’t even look at me and pulled a face like she wanted to say smth or snap at me for that but couldn’t in front of ‘strangers’ so she was trying to hold herself back was ripping my face off, my mum has to appear as the ‘caring’ mother, who is supportive and considerate and thinks about their kids, and doesn’t yell when they say anything about how they feel, and is awkwardly/fake affectionate towards their kids - if that doesn’t give it away that she has to appear as that in front of strangers and her friends - idk what does - bc she's the complete fucking opposite of that.

[choisgirls]

OMG I LOVE YPUR BLOG YOUR DOING AMAZING 💖💖 I wanted to do a headcanon of the rfa +v+saeran + vanderwood reacting to MC being pregnant with quadruplets (Like they knew she was pregnant but went to the ultrasound or something idk work your magic) sorry if this is to much to ask for lolol but you can write it however you want Thanks 💖🌈

A/N: I will try towork some magic my friend~ after all, it does include the sacred number 4 *winkwonk wink wonk* ^^ (also thank you thank you omfg im trying ;u;) ~Admin 404

*YOOSUNG:

               -When you told him the two ofyou were going to have a baby he was already t h r o u g h t h e r o o f

               -So!!! Excited!!! To start afamily with you!

               -He was extremely nervous to gowith you to the ultrasound, though. Sure he knew he was going to be a father,but it didn’t…. /hit/ him until then.

               -There is a living being insideof you that is half him and half you… it’s living, heartbeat and all

               -And he was!! About to see it!!Still inside you!!!! This was so different than ones he’s had to perform onsome animals before…

               -Ready to see his first son (ordaughter!!! He’s excited either way!!), he holds your hand and watches thescreen with you

               -“Oh! It does look like acats ultrasound, they’re really similar!”

               -You have to tell him that itisn’t supposed to look like that. Cue the panicked look at the doctor and theintense squeezing of your hand

               -When the doctor explained thatthere were four babies in there he… well he burst into a gross sob. You hadto try and calm him down while simultaneously laughing at how adorable he was

               -Four babies!!! He’s about tohave four babies with you!!!! He was so excited to have you, his work, and nowhis babies, he couldn’t believe it! At one point he was so concerned and lostabout his life but now he’s got it all!

*ZEN:

               -“And the doctor’s going totell us if we have a prince or a princess, right??”

               -“Yes Zen, if we want toknow the doctor will tell us”

               -Literally told everyone at hiscurrent rehearsal that he had to leave early because there was going to be arevealing in the kingdom and as king, he needed to attend

               -He was almost bouncing off thewalls waiting for the doctor to come into the room

               -Turned away from the monitorbecause he was so nervous! /But you were the one who was extremely ready Zen,wtf man/

               -“JUST TELL ME IF ITSHEALTHY FIRST, I NEED TO KNOW IF MY BABY IS HEALTHY” okay Zen stopshouting

               -The doctor turned the sound onthe monitor up, commenting on the babies strong heartbeat…. but then theymoved to another.

               -And another… and another.

               -He whipped around so fast it’sa surprise he didn’t get whiplash. Four heartbeats??? Four of them??? But.. butthat would mean… four.. babies??

               -As excited as he was, he alsohad to be dramatic enough to match. With his foot up on the chair and hisfinger pointed triumphantly to the sky, he announced that the kingdom shallreign supreme and his army of beautiful babies will run a fantastic kingdom!You had to interrupt his rambling to remind him that the two of you were in adoctor’s office, not the stage

*JAEHEE:

               -The two of you decided that youwould get inseminated, and Jaehee was extremely cautious of you the whole time

               -/So/ many doctors appointments,so little time

               -The two of you were excited themoment you found out you were pregnant, but that is also exactly when Jaehee’sAnxiety™ kicked in

               -So you guys were going to anultrasound appointment to check on your baby!

               -She had read too many articlesand stories on the internet of false positives and now she was just extremelyparanoid no matter how many times you’ve tried to calm her down and no matterhow many positive pregnancy tests you’ve taken

               -“I know you’re nervous MC,but it’s okay, I am too!” She tried to calm you, though she was the onevisibly nervous

               -Watching the monitor intensely,she noticed it looked /nothing/ like the ones she had researched online.

               -Oh no, what if something’swrong? What if you’re in danger? What if-

               -“Congratulations! All ofyour babies seem to be happy and healthy!” “I-I’m sorry. All? Of ourbabies?”  

               -The minute the word“quadruplets” left the doctors mouth, Jaehee is practically sobbing-happy tears of course! After all of the stress you had been put over trying toget pregnant in the first place, now you were going to have not one, but FOURof the precious angels!!

*JUMIN:

               -EVERYBODY GET OUT OF HIS WAY HEIS ABOUT TO GO SEE HIS BABY ON A TINY MONITOR

               -Probably the type to get one ofthose fancy 3D rendered ultrasounds

               -HE WANTS THE TWO OF YOU TOCLEARLY SEE THE BABY BECAUSE HE CANNOT EXPRESS HOW IN LOVE HE IS WITH THE BOTHOF YOU, OKAY?

               -But he made a mistake. When thedoctor pulled up the image it just looked like a monstrous… blob? What isthis? Does his child actually like this?

               -Doesn’t hesitate to ask thedoctor just what the fuck was up??? Are you pranking him??? Don’t do that????

               -The doctor is pointing out andexplaining where the head, hands, and feet were- which he could see after someexplanation!

               -But the doctor… kept pointingout more heads.. and hands… and feet…

               -“Are these just differentangles? Is that what we’re seeing here?” “Um, no Mr. Han. You’reseeing all 4 of your children”

               -If you thought Jumin Han couldbe Cool Calm and Collected™ during this, you are wrong. Did his deep, silkyvoice raise about 6 octaves? Yes. Did it break like he was going throughpuberty? Also yes

               -There are four, count ‘em, FOURbabies for him to spoil!!! He can!!! Spoil them so much!!! And give them allthe love and attention he’s wanted as a kid! Did he cry when he held you afterthis information? You can bet on it

*SAEYOUNG:

               -He was already!!! Super excitedto start a family with you!!!

               -So he was practically jumpingup and down, ready to see his baBY!

               -He’s so extra, he had to carryyou into the doctor’s office

               -“I am not letting themother of my child so any sort of work, got it????”

               -If you try to protest, he givesyou a kiss on the forehead and gets really serious with you, “MC. You’rethe love of my life and you have brought me down to earth. Let me spoil you andour baby, alright?”

               -He was recording the ultrasoundfor everyone in the group chat because he is just!!! So excited!! To show theworld his family!!!!

               -Zooming into the monitor, hegiggles as the doctor points out a head… and another head… and anotherone…. and.. another one

               -The ending of the video is theview turning from the monitor to the ceiling as a loud thud can be heard as hehits the ground

               -You and the doctor have to pickhim back up and fan him off since he fainted at the sight of four babies

               -That’s like!!! 2 sets oftwins!!! MC!!! He would have been ecstatic for one child, but you’re giving him/four/??? /FOUR/ of them??? He never expected this kind of happiness anddefinitely not this big of a family, but he was so in love with each and everyone of you!

*DADDV:

               -You are his love and he isready for a family!

               -He was a little afraid, ofcourse, but all his fears were thrown out of the window the moment you kissedhis cheek and told him about the ultrasound

               -Brought his camera to recordthe genuine reactions to the ultrasound!

               -Thought that your face would bethe one that was video worthy, but he was w r o n g

               -Turned the camera to selfiemode to get the both of you in it and watched as the doctor turned on themonitor

               -Laughed at your  face once the cold gel was put on yourstomach though, the light smack to this shoulder was worth it- you were socute!

               -The smile on both of your faceswas definitely screenshot worthy, he’d have to remember to do that later so hecould print it out for the baby book!

               -But apparently he’d have toprint… four of them…. He watched as the doctor pointed out all four babieswere happy and healthy and his smile dropped to make room for the completeshock to take over his face

               -All you could do was laugh atthe sudden change! You pulled him in for a kiss to snap him out of it

               -Four babies, he couldn’tbelieve it! MC, can you imagine the baby photos?? How amazing family portraitswere going to be??? How much fun the photography trips were going to be fromnow on!!

*SAERAN:

               -The moment you told him he wasgoing to be a father he panicked

               -Since then, he had gotten nextto no sleep, and constantly had break downs

               -He couldn’t be a father?? Whatif he hurts the baby? It’s bad enough he’s terrified about hurting you!!

               -This… thing… is going to betiny and depend on him for basic life things and he doesn’t know if he’s readyfor it!!!

               -Cries many nights, telling youthat he doesn’t deserve you nor a child and it just breaks your heart topieces???

               -Maybe taking him to actuallysee his baby will help!

               -So you drag him along to theultrasound. He just sits in silence and holds your hand the entire time becausehe’s terrified to let go

               -His eyes are practically gluedshut when the doctor turns on the monitor. He isn’t ready. He doesn’t want to see.There’s going to be a human in there that is half you and half him. The halfthat comes from you is sure to be an angel but the half from him? Not as likely

               -One eye cracks open after wordsof encouragement from both you and the doctor, and on the screen he sees notone, but four little humans inside you. Tears pour out of his eyes without himeven realizing it- he can’t look away from the screen

               -There were four babies, four ofthem! He didn’t think he deserved even /one/ but… the both of you were blessedwith /four/ of them… maybe… maybe this was a sign? Maybe it was a sign thathe truly was ready.. that someone, somewhere, thought that he could be a goodfather. With your help, he thought, maybe it was actually possible

Masterlist

[femvulvaphile]

let’s break that weird shit down, then

“We’ve been here since the beginning. I know your hate group, your little Nazi sub-sect, has this lie you like to spread that we suddenly spring into being from whole cloth in the 1970s, but that fighting all through history? WE’VE. BEEN THERE. FOR ALL OF IT.” cool but that’s literally not what I said. transwomen’s and women’s fights are inherently different. Sex-based oppression doesn’t DIRECTLY affect transwomen: you will never be shunned for menstruating, you will never be afraid of having your prepubescent vulva mutilated for the sick pleasure of a men five times your age, you will never be afraid of being impregnated against your will, or of miscarriage of a wanted child, or of all the pregnancy and birth complications who are still killing women all over the world. you will never know what it’s like to have men catcall and grope you when you’re nine years old just because your boobs already began to grow.   

"The demonization of trans women is a relatively recent invention in the grand scheme of human history and it is one that you have helped re-surge into the modern world.” that’s bullshit. the “demonization” you’re talking about can refer to one of two things: either the conservative view that transwomen are “deviant men” (which I definitely agree is shitty), or the radical feminist view that transwomen retain their male socialization and so, as a group, can represent danger to women (which is backed up by research, btw, and the amount of “receipts” in the form of news reports of transwomen hurting and murdering cis women AND in the unending threats and harassment that radfems receive online and irl).

"The idea of ASAB and tying it to gender in some inviolate and unchangeable way is something colonizing white people brought to this country, and others they invaded.” cool but that’s bullshit? pretty much every culture on earth has a history of identifying biological sex and applying sociological roles to them. that’s not a white invention, that’s not the fruit of colonialism. the concept of “gender” as behaviors and roles based on reproductive function has existed for as long as people have existed. some cultures have stricter rules about them, others are more loose. some cultures refuse to acknowledge non-conforming people as their “original gender”, and then you have things like two-spirit or hijras.

"Whether you realize it or not, and…let’s be honest, you probably do, your actions, your hate group, is just a laser-guided subsection of what fascism and white supremacy stands for.” wtf tho. fascists and white supremacists and nazi want a “pure” world without “lesser” groups, like black people, jewish people, homosexuals, gnc people. how is female-only radical feminism the same? are you aware that plenty of radical feminists are woc themselves, and even jewish? are you aware that the vast majority of people you’d call “terfs” aren’t even american, or english speakers? we literally just want men to stop fucking murdering us.

“Without colonization, without white supremacy, your argument, your constant, hammering on “male” as if to conjure some demon from the word, would mean nothing.” male violence has been a reality in human history. it’s not a theory, it’s not up to debate. it’s a fact. you know it is, according to your original post talking about men posing the most danger to transwomen. women all over the world are victims of men. it doesn’t change whether we talk about it, or use the words male, men, amab.

"I don’t mean that in the rhetorical sense, I mean literally, your words would not have a cogent basis without that.” again, bullshit. male violence is everywhere, in every culture, in every part of the world, regardless of how much contact with europen colonization the culture has had. japanese men are violent, russian men are violent, french men are violent, english men are violent, american men are violent, cuban men are violent, argentinian men are violent, brazilian men are violent. nazis didn’t invent misogyny.

“How fucking dare you invoke my dead sisters, how fucking dare you bring up that most of us getting murdered are PoC, while peddling Nazi approved propaganda.” uh. it’s “nazi approved propaganda” to say that women face violence from men and therefore need safe spaces from them? and I brought up the groups that murdered transwomen belong to because YOUR GROUP likes using them, using your so-called dead sisters, as argument points, as proof that a white middle class educated men with a dress and lipstick is somehow more oppressed than any woman on earth.

“Meanwhile, asshole,” oh cool name calling when I wrote a relatively calm and non-offensive post. “I was talking about SHARED SPACES. LGBT focused communities, the ones you are perpetually try to focus trans lesbians out of because you view us as the worst of what you already consider the worst.” yeah, maybe we wouldn’t need to do that if “lesbian” transwomen could stop demanding so much from women, or if they’d stop claiming protagonism when they don’t even experience SAME-SEX ATTRACTION, which historically has been, you know, the entire defining poing for “lgbt” people.

“You didn’t even notice it, did you? You were just launching into Pre-Written Terf Rhetoric #5 without so much as reading what I actually. Fucking. Said.” dude, you’re calling me a nazi literally just because I said women deserve female-only spaces and transwomen should create their own safe spaces away from men instead of demanding entry and protection from women.

"Your insistence that we’re “straight men” only serves to try and push us out of those communities as well." you have more in common with straight men than with lesbians, tho. you don’t experience same-sex attraction, you’re not female, you can impregnate a female lesbian (depending on transition specifics, but let’s be honest: the big problem is the transwomen who claim “there’s no need to need to transition bc my dick is a woman’s dick”), if you’re not “passing” you don’t need to fear homophobic violence from strangers.

“Jesus fuck, like did you even notice that was the fucking point? Like your shoving us aside as non-women is already fucked up but that wasn’t even the point of this particular post.” the point of your post was vilifying women who question the notion that “transwomen are exactly the same as women”. the point of your post was putting the blame on women, “terfs”, for what men do.

"The idea that men view us as also men is so beyond laughable I can’t even properly convey it.” they view you as “DEFECTIVE” men. they definitely don’t view you as women. men are violent towards you as a result of toxic masculinity - a non-conforming male is a threat to their notion of rigid male-female roles. the violence towards you is closer in motivation to the violence towards gay men, rather than the one towards women.

"But I’m just going to say: You don’t live our lives. You don’t live our experiences.” yes. just like you don’t live the lives of women. which is exactly why I said transwomen do deserve safe spaces, but not by invading female-only safe spaces.

"If you don’t know how wrong you are it’s because you’re incapable of treating our words as anything but the words of the target of your hate and thus discarded.” you’re lumping me in with nazis (I’m a latina gender-non-conforming lesbian, I’d be raped and killed by actual nazis faster than you could type “op is a terf”), refusing to actually ACKNOWLEDGE the things I said, bringing up way more arguments than the ones on your original post, and then blaming me for not being able to read your mind.

“The power you hold is that you have been aligning yourself with right-wing christian groups,” bullshit. again: women can’t even get men to stop raping us. how exactly do you think we have any power, any voice, over THE most misogynistic men on the planet?

"the power you hold is that your ilk has been speaking to audiences wherever they can find them in academia for decades,” again, bullshit. women have been in academia for, like, two years, in comparison to how long men have been dominating every public and private space.

"the power you hold is that you went into the communities that might have helped us stay alive and sowed false accusations to turn others against us,” b u l l s h i t. YOU came into OUT communities demanding we treat you as equals, when we are observably NOT equals. sex-based oppression doesn’t affect transwomen the same way it does women. men’s violence is distinctly different based on your sex.

"the power you hold is in helping, insidiously, to uphold the institutional biases that keep us marginalized, alone, and dying.” the same can be said of modern trans rights activists, tho. you’re all contributing to the strengthening of gender as a hierarchy - and not because you need to conform to survive. no, your original message (the one we can still hear from drag queens and transvestites from stonewall, for instance, that your kind likes to claim as “transwomen”) has been corrupted to the point where people look at a feminine gay boy and tell him he must be trans, he must transition, he must be a woman because he likes makeup and is attracted to men. your kind tells parents of vulnerable children that their little boys and girls will KILL THEMSELVES if they don’t take hormones as soon as possible. your group tells lesbians they need to suck dick to be proper lesbians. your group supports (and breeds) more murderers, rapists, and pedophiles than radical feminism could. your group tells women of color, lesbians, survivors of all sorts of male violence, that they’re the problem. you tell us we’re even worse than men. you tell us to die, you threaten us with rape, with baseball bats. you punch sixty year old women who dare take a picture of people trying to silence women. you rape and murder a twelve year old girl. you rape and forcibly impregnate a female trans person, and then brag about it. you support rapists and pedophiles being housed in women’s prison because of their “gender feels”. 

you tell women to shut up about their own experiences. you tell women they’re not the “right kind” of women. you tell women they’re not woman “enough”. you tell them to sacirfice themselves for yet another male.

“And yes, before you even start, I’m blocking you. I don’t debate Nazis or Nazi bootlicks.” still nowhere near being a nazi, but alright.

bonus:

“also do they just have a terf blog name generator somewhere, i swear all terf blogs read like a bunch of synonyms for vagina and spellings of rad and possibly a wolf reference or phile or fetishist, all put in a random name generator” that’s hilarious to men because I literally saved this url after I seeing an asshole claim that lesbians aren’t allowed to call themselves lesbians if they don’t suck dick, and that they’re actually vagina fetishists. the person used -phile on something, I can’t recall what, and I immediately thought “hmm, yes. I love vulvas. I’m a vulvaphile. A female vulvaphile.” 

[ask-eris-morn]

The Matrix is about:

One of the many things the matrix is about

lit rev lol jk: This adds to many story archetypes, but for now I’ll start with this one. The story goes where the hero works so hard that they transcend the known boundries of human ability... right? Well, the matrix is about a world where your literal human physical capacity had nothing to do with your ability. Rahter, it was your will power that gave you power. The more will power, the more buddha af you can get with the new tech scene you get, the more power you get is related to will power. Also, this is totlaly Sword art online. I’m watching it rn, and realizing ye, not the whole second season is esspeeeeeciilay about that. And its interesting, I started to think about it in regards to the system of SAO. Gilard, gillian, i don’t remember but I know it started with a G. -- Gary! But ye, the system as Kirito has always said, is fair. Cruel but fair.  SEason two is about an unfair world. A false quest with no chance to win. A lie to occupy your time. (insert bread and circuses refference and then were all like, holly fukc thats deep.. yep)... with ulterior motives.  In the end, (i haven’t re watched it yet, I’m on the second to last episode but I remember, and I’l post about it after I watch it again, but the rules are cheated right, like in  agame console sort of way hwere they take away all your agency wthorugh the oncolse of just taking your shit. right, but here lets look at it. He turns up the gravity, the pain, all of it. and kirito is like fuck all this shit im muther fuckin kirito mutha fuckas, and then the other dude is like, but how even. high turnt it up all the way, how could anyones zen af (budhha super power shit be over 9---1 so much that he grew really fucking long ass goku hair - metaphorically) and mentally blocked out the signals from the gear helmet and the server and continued to send the kirito signals effectively overriding the games lock out because the signal from kiriot was literally stronger, as in connection speed. 

ye Im’ high 

But where is the signal coming from that interacts with this world... the signal is his brain. The technology interface is just transmiting that movement. The movement your character makes is transfering the desired mental movemnt you want to make wth your mental image of the 3d surroundings, so, its not vr right, so you actually feel the touch of stuff, you can -connect- with tthe world. But there, thats it exactly, the connection. The touch to the object and the signal sent back to the brain to decode the information from the program into an undertandable format.... see, the concepts that this boils down to is a battle of wills. The human computer, it can change. A regular computer would have a bit more difficulty rearranging their literal hardware. The human brain’s hardware can literally change. Thats where we have machines beat... for now. The point is, the world’s influence on your character is a signal in response to your signal, your body affects your perception of what you believe you can do based on the conclusion you came to about the stimulus from your perception on reality.  Basically, will power in this context is trying to overpower the machiens return signal. Its basically jesus shit hacking “reality”. But here that gets deeper, because the later matrix movies addersssed that, albeit, it was not popular, and I didn’t really like it either. Buuut. the point is here now, wtf is reality. Is reality what we can see, touch, taste and feel... no.  Those are chemical reactions in the brain synthesizing this sensory input and then decoding these messages into some form of conclusionary understanding.  thats literally reality. This can be compared to so many things with different nuances and parralles.  but the mother fuckin matrix.  Neo does the ihack The Matrix (tm I don’t know how to do that), in “the real world” in the movie the matrix, nd its still actually in the matrix. thats when they realize they are still in the matrix, even when they previously thought they were out of the matrix... blah blah dream within a dream, blah blah connection connection trope trope archetype archetype new camera angles edgy 9-’s and societies new facination into gay culture and then boom ahead sisters wakoski’s we see that very much fits. This is some deep shit. And Now I know why when we went over this film speciically in my cerebral science fiction class, that expalins why the professor was getting high af.... Cause thats what I’m doing now and I’m hella analyzing it. but, I mean, I do that anyway. But ye, weed is dope Guardians, I highly suggest you get into this if its legal where you live, and if not push legislature to make it legal and then smoke a shit ton cause its great.  from a game logic standpoint it would seem that first and foremost before any locking codes, at the core level, the avatar in world would be able to do anything.  The constraining game code is designed to trick the mind into thinking it has these limitations. But kirito reveals this (I haven’t actually seen the episode again, I’m just recognizing where it looks like its gonna go, and that I think I vagually remember thats what it might touch on, or that the previous reason was the one, or both. idfk fuck it But ye, heavy on the mind over matter.  at the end of it. the message is that the digital world does not have the limitations that our perceived physical or material world holds. And that even putting constraints on these people, there will always be a human spirit strong enough to break free and create a revolution.  Because thats what its about. Its a story about revolution.  About freeing your mind. Its the myth, and reason. Myth and Reason, as archetypes. Myth being something that is our understanding of the universe, scary, witches, shamans, medicine people, but then “reason” sweeps by. Reason just being a new regime. A new understanding of the world. A constructed ideology about how the past beleives are bad, and that reason usually brings a great deal of violence. But eventually reason turns back into myth. Reason here is the development of what we consider to be the modern technological world, brought to this reason from myth such as ancient stories across the earth.  We have recontextualized our world.  But here in the matrix we see so clearly the archetype that so many of us recognize.  Its the reason returning to myth. Reason lied the whole time. They were lying, and wrong. Some of them knew they were wrong, but went with it, some of them, just were shits.  Pointing back to myth and the matrix,  this is the world of reason. Technology, but we see this as a common theme that I think should be looked at more closely as to the significance of it and not just philsoophical bullshit, because what we are talking about actually, is socialogy,, its the study of psychology, communication, folkloristics, history. We are studying why humans do the things they do and why and what led them to these conclusions and what can we learn from that to not fuck shit up as much in the future.  returning totopic of reason and myth, myth here is the concept of mind over matter.  When we talk about code as a metaverse, anomalies in code, you can see it in games when ai does things that are fucking wierd, like for exampel that video of the reef guard walking off the edge. Its the myth that there are aspects of this universe that we cannot fully understand just because of the sheer amounts of data. Very similar to our current physical reality.  Its the works like alphaville, .HackSign, ergo proxy, and so much more that I’m missing righ tnow, but this is.... some deep shit.  Myth is just that. A myth. but its also so much more.  See, the biggest myth of them all. The point of all of this so concisely.  The biggest myth of them all is that reason is anything but just another myth. In this sense, the archetype of reason is a lie.  The archeytpe of reason is to create meaning of the world.  But is it possible, that in our efforts to create meaning in the world, that we actually destoryed or could no longer see the actual meaning of the world. That our creation of reason and our labeling of our previous existence a “myth”. Is that not actually just a power play creating a new set of myths.  What does that say when this “reason” is completley constructed, and so fragile. thats a part of that biggest myth. Reason as the construct is not strong. Its not “reasonable” at all.  I think it would be beneficial to reexamine the myths of the past to try and understand them better. And approach them from a perspective that they might actually teach us something about ourselves.  If our reason continues to be so fragile that it returns to myth repeadetly perpetually. Maybe we should actually fucking stop and look at this shit.  Its like a bill. Eventually were gonna open one of them and then your mind will be blown and your reality shattered and you’ll be like, damn Toland, you shoulda told me that sooner, and Toland will be like, fuuuuck you, I told u so long ago you piece of shit.  and then the guardian will be like, ... yeeee......

[eeveelutionsforequality]

Idk if any of u have seen it, but there's a post going around with 3 fandom laws (which are actually on point), but there is a version that says these are great up to a point b/c romanticism of pedophilia/rape/trauma gives actual predators a place to hide, find community, and hurt minors. Idk why but that post really sets me off. I don't really want to read about those subjects myself, but people can write wtf they want n I know ppl who have been helped by reading/writing that kinda stuff.

My fandom rules are: Tag everything so that people can avoid what they want to avoid, don't put hate in the tags, don't contact creators/actors/youtubers/etc with unsolicited things that may be uncomfortable for them (ie it's fine to put fanfics in the Dan and Phil tag because they use them for videos, but it's not fine to message them and be aggressive about the fact that you think that they're/want them to be together), and that no dumb online thing is worth trying to bully or hurt someone.

If someone is being abusive or a predator, then you need to actually provide proof when you warn people about them in callout posts. Like, when I was in one fandom a few years ago I got pretty popular, I dated a couple of other fandom members, and people accused me of using the fandom and my popularity to get girlfriends, when in reality it just so happened that we shared a mutual interest in something and became close because of it. People decided that there was a power imbalance because I had more followers than them, and it was one of the things that started my anti-SJW phase because I was fed up of the term "power imbalance" being thrown around to describe things that actually had no bearing on the relationship. So callout posts for shit like that (although I don't think they made one about me) really desensitize people, and eventually nobody takes a callout post to mean anything more than "I wanna start beef with this person to get more followers" - which sucks because in a situation where there are lots of young people, you do need some level of moderation and warning for when somebody genuinely is a danger to them.

Here's the thing though, predators are going to be predators, no matter what you write or do. Manipulation can make you trust someone, rely on them, ignore the bad things they do, and it doesn't require you to have romanticized or normalized anything to happen - if anything, being exposed to a lot of that fiction and thus a lot of the criticisms and posts that say "X is fine in fiction but not okay in reality" is going to start making you a lot more aware of those things and quicker to realize "Actually, I shouldn't be being made to feel like this, and I remember a post saying that what they're doing now is actually an abuse tactic". My opinion is that education is always better than censorship, and if you keep people in the dark and keep things more taboo then it actually puts them more at risk because they don't know enough about the topic to see what's really happening. Take drugs, for example (no, don't take drugs, that was poor wording...), if you don't tell someone that the trip on shrooms will exaggerate and feed on whatever mood you're in, and so you need to be in a good mood and a safe place when you take them, people might take them at the wrong time and end up having a horrible trip, getting hurt, or worse. Some people might say "You're encouraging drug use!" but you're not, you're not telling people to take drugs or telling them that it's a good thing to do... you're just aware of the fact that ultimately some people will take drugs and they're better off doing so while informed on the topic.

And people know that drugs are bad, we see it everywhere - same with abuse and rape. If you write a story about drugs, that alone isn't enough to convince someone to change their opinion on drugs. Sure, you'll get people like the Slenderman girls, but one of them had schizophrenia and the other schizotypical (I think that was it, might have been schizoid or something) personality disorder - they were susceptible to influence and ultimately that just pushed the right buttons and nobody was paying enough attention to them and their posts online to realize what they were going through. In general, people's morals are pretty solidified by the time they start reading NSFW stuff, and if they're not then they're not really mature enough to be reading that stuff and their parents should be making more of an effort to keep an eye on them. Fiction can't change your morals, in fact being exposed to stuff you morally oppose usually reinforces that opposition. Sure, over time you can become desensitized to representations of things, but people who binge horror movies would still come back scarred if they went to war, because you aren't desensitized to the reality of the situation, just the romanticized version of it. Like, if you read Fifty Shades and then get abused, you don't feel how she felt in the book, because the book is a romanticization - you're still aware that the reality is not fun and it's scary, and no amount of floral language will ever change how it feels to you.

I love writing horror or taboo things. I feel like the author's job is to evoke a range of emotions in the reader - sure, I could just write a book that only came with positive emotions, but that's boring. I want them to feel sad, disturbed, sick, afraid, angry, amused, relieved... and not just because the happy parts feel better when they mean something amidst the rest, but because we have this vast array of emotions and when we feel them in a real world context then we can't escape them and it's not fun. When we feel them in the context of entertainment, they can disappear immediately if we just close the book or turn off the TV, we're completely safe to explore and embrace them, and it gives us the chance to enjoy even bad thoughts and bad feelings, to explore the darker parts of our mind and primitive or bad urges and desires that have no place in the real world, that we have no intention of ever acting on but that we all have in our brain somewhere. None of us are perfect, we all get enraged and imagine carving out someone's eyes with a screwdriver - doesn't mean we're bad people or we'd ever do it - but locking those thoughts away and being afraid of them gives them more power. I think daydreams and stories and stuff just kind of let us get things out, and they can reach boiling point and then gradually cool down, cooling us with them and putting our dumb problems or weird fantasies in perspective.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Like I said, just tag everything and be a nice person, it really sucks that people want to police fiction and hamper creativity.

~ Vape

[survival-songs-blog]

Do all the rest of the questions!!!! (. If u want!)

Mate!! There's A LOT:1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?Yellow - coldplayLinger - cranberriesWhere I stood - missy higgins I see fire - ed sheeranSailboats - Brooke FraserWild horses - the Sundays 2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Ooh, Maggie smith or maybe Ed Sheran or maybe my fave author3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17."The best view of the lake was from the mulberry room, but Alice decided to make do with the bathroom window."4: What do you think about most?Dying? Not in a bad way I just do think about it a lot, I always have. 5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?"I just love their ears so much!" (Talking about a particular breed of horse)6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?Summer: without. Winter: long pjs 7: What’s your strangest talent?Making people feel uncomfortable?? Lmao idk8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)Girls... Should never have to accept the violent and disrespectful behaviour of boys as the norm. And boys should be castrated if they rape☺️Sorry to get serious 9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?Both actually. A girl in highschool wrote a poem about me and I didn't realise what it meant until later and then years later a boy wrote me a song and all I could think about was the girl who wrote me a poem..... 10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?The other week, in the car, peak hour traffic. 11: Do you have any strange phobias?Not really. I hate having masks etc over my face, terrified of Mr. Bean, but that's as weird as it gets.12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?Hmmm not that I remember. 13: What’s your religion?Atheist I guess? 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Riding the horses, gardening or walking the dogs through the paddocks.15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?Behind it.16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?Hmm Santana or midnight oil..17: What was the last lie you told?"Umm yeah I'm not gonna check mine, I know I will have done badly." -telling this chick at uni that I wasn't gonna check the mark I got on an assessment cos she did really poorly and I didn't wanna be like yeah man I got a high distinction!18: Do you believe in karma?Absolutely! So many people in my life have gotten karmic bitchslaps lately and like. It's just so satisfying. 19: What does your URL mean?Survival songs is the name of a book of poetry. 20-41 already done 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?Yep! 43: Do you have any nicknames?Tilly, Tilda, just variations of my middle name given to me by my little foster brother💕44: What was the last film you saw?I have no idea:/ it's been ages and ages45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?Hard to pick. Broken tailbone? Broken ribs maybe?46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?Only gently!47: Do you have any obsessions right now?Dark chocolate w/ sea salt48: What’s your sexual orientation?Bi49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?Ohhh buddy have I ever.....50: Do you believe in magic?Mm like real magic? No. 51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?Yeah. I really do. Like I don't obsess over it but once you break my trust you aren't ever getting it back. I do move on but I won't ever forget that you couldn't be trusted. 52: What is your astrological sign?Virgo53: Do you save money or spend it?Both. 54: What’s the last thing you purchased?New wool to knit two winter cardigans for my little goddaughter 55: Love or lust?Love. Rarer, so much more precious. 56: In a relationship?Love. 57: How many relationships have you had?I dunno? 5 or so? 58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?Ew. No. 59: Where were you yesterday?In the study, pretty much all day. 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?Yeah a photo with pink in. 61: Are you wearing socks right now?Nooooo I'm in the bath lmao62: What’s your favourite animal?Wombats. But closely followed by every kind of baby animal. 63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?I don't have one. If you have to trick someone into liking you it's not gonna last very long lmao64: Where is your best friend?In my loungeroom playing witcher👌🏼65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.Oi I dunno. Can I come back to this?66: What is your heritage?No clue, really. I wanna do an ancestry DNA test this year. 67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?Watching a biochem lecture online and knitting.68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?Wtf69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?It's about here that you know this was written for 14 yr olds 🙄70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?I hope so. I do anything and everything I can for my friends. 71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?Of course I save the dog. Fuck the job. 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?Not afraid, no. I'd just spend a lot of time with the ones I love. I wouldn't tell anyone.73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.Trust. 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?Something in the water - Brooke fraser75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?057776: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?Honesty and trust. 77: How can I win your heart?Mmmmm you probably can't. 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?Nope. 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?To cut toxic people out of my life👌🏼👌🏼80: What size shoes do you wear?7.81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?I don't want a tombstone I wanna be cremated82: What is your favourite word?Iike. I say it like, all the time (embarrassingly true)83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.Cardiac84: What is a saying you say a lot?"Oh crikey" lmao so Australian but I do use it all the time85: What’s the last song you listened to?Galway girl ed sheeran86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? Dark blue and bottle green 87: What is your current desktop picture?Me and a horse I used to love88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?Ooh that would be very telling🙊 I know who it would be but I won't say publicly. For now let's just say Trump. 89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?Again. Can't say publicly. Sorry90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?Put my audiobook on and go back to sleep. 91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?Talking to animals!92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?Time with a friend who passed away in 2011. 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?My trauma/s. I would do anything to not have PTSD. 94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?Ew, none. That's creepy af.95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Hmm Ireland, maybe Scotland. 96: Do you have any relatives in jail?Two actually!97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?Nope! Don't get car sick!98: Ever been on a plane?Mate. Sometimes I feel like I've spent way too much time on planes (not to mention sitting in airports)99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?Be kind. Love freely and deeply because life is too short to play it cool. Be genuine. This isn't a game of pretend, this is our only time. Don't fuck it up.