#just got off a 6 hour long discord call and...

[emstargazer]

RAAAAAAAAAAAH I LOVE MY FRIENDS TO HELL AND BACK. TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO STAYS WITH YOU THROUGH THICK AND THIN. WHETHER OR NOT YOU'RE A JOY TO BE WITH OR MISERY INCARNATE THEY ALWAYS TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT AND TRY THEIR BEST TO MAKE YOU FEEL SEEN AND UNDERSTOOD. They may not always be successful at it, they're undeniably heavily flawed. And I wouldn't want them any other way.

[luvcozy]

Cuddling With the Nevermoor Boys

A/n :- My first (aside from the discord-) post on the our Nevermoor killers, this may also be partial indulgence in some parts, I love these boys- but anyway- LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (I'm beyond excited lmao)

Warnings :- FLUFF FLUFF FLUFF (language too)

🐰 He is on top of you any chance he can get

🐰 He likes having you just squashed beneath him as he snuggles up to you, head tucked against your shoulder and neck with a content hum

🐰 He will happily be big or small spoon!

🐰 It's the close proximity he adores the most, touching you in anyway with his entire body, he's like a leech, because once your down you ain't getting up for a few hours

🐰 There's cuddles with his mask and without for good reason

🐰 Most the time he has his mask one as you guys are snuggled up on the couch or even in a chair, he also likes having a blanket thrown over you both, he thinks it adds to it

🐰 Times without his mask you two are in a shared room with privacy and his actions are tenfold

🐰 He will be smothering your face, neck, and shoulders in kisses while squeezing you, just cherishing you

🐰 Expect them eskimo's to happen when you start to cuddle and when it ends, he does them when your cuddling in bed before you lay down and before he goes to sleep

🐰 When he's little spoon he'll have his head planted against your stomach, chest, or neck, he doesn't really face away a whole lot but you could easily coax him into more flexible cuddling positions if needed

🐰 Will ask for cuddles about 6 or 7 times in one day, it completes a part of him when you cuddle or sleep together that he got attached too

🐰 You'll cuddle just about everywhere too, he doesn't care, if he wants wants them he will get them one way or another

🐰 Sleeping with him is just the sweetest though, making sure your both comfortable and let's you pick how you sleep

🐰 Loves having his arms around your waist or his hands on your sides when you sleep and cuddle

🐰 He's never really had an experience like this and is so enamored with you and it deepened heavily when you got to this point and seeing his face

🐰 When cuddles turn into naps or early bed his grip tightens and his head is always burrowed against whatever's closest

🐰 Having your scent fill him as he drifts to sleep and you reciprocating his blatant and outward affection, something he wasn't really given, call him an addict cause he's addicted

🐰 Will always be vocal when he wants to cuddle, trying to sweet talk you the best he can while wrapping his arms around your shoulders and waist, cue the sweet pet names

🐰 "Come on muffin~ it won't be for long, just a little bit, please?~"

🐰 "It's not been that long! Buttercup nooooo, just a bit longer, please~~"

🐰"I can't help it if my Cupcake is just so sweet to me, you know what you do to me, yes?"

🦊 Gives. Zero. Fucks.

🦊 If he wants to cuddle he's gonna get them by any means necessary, don't matter what your doing or who your talking to

🦊 Busy reading? The book goes out the window and he's in your lap. Talking to one of the other counselors or killers? He's grabbing your wrist or hooking his arm around your shoulders to drag you off

🦊 Sometimes he won't even go somewhere, he'll just make himself comfortable against you and expect you to do the same back

🦊 Arms around your waist with his head on your shoulder, arms around your neck and his head pressed against the back of your neck either comfortably or uncomfortably to be a lil shit

🦊 A lazy yet secure cuddler is how I think he would be

🦊 Wants you on top of him, at his side, or in his lap, hell even in your lap he's comfortable, even if sometimes you may not be

🦊 Splaying himself out on the couch with you on top, an arm thrown over your waist and his hand planted on your butt, good luck swatting it off, his hand stays

🦊 Couch and Chair cuddling an arm is around your waist and your either tucked against him or on his knee, he'll bounce his knee sometimes just to get your reaction, free entertainment as he would call it

🦊 Cuddling him in bed can be fun and irritating, he moves from time to time in his sleep so when you get woken up it's because he either turned his side or accidentally slapped

🦊 This is why laying on top of him he moves less, definitely someone to sleep with a weighted blanket so that's how you get him to hardly move at all

🦊 A good position when cuddling in bed is having your arms around his head, fingers tangled lazily in his hair and your face hidden in his neck

🦊 He melts in this position, wrapping his arm around your back and pulling you closer to him, a sweet smile playing onto his lips whilst kissing your temple

🦊 Kiss his neck when you cuddle, just do it. If you catch him off guard he'll give you a cheeky yet surprised look for managing to catch him off guard

🦊 Now if you do it and he somehow anticipates it your screwed, prepare to be pinned and smothered that eventually turns into you two making out with your laughs coming through each kiss

🦊 He's definitely the type to keep you held down in the cuddle puddle of you two if you have to go to the bathroom, making you wait and wait to the point you threaten to go right there, he's never let go of you so quickly but he's laughing the whole time

🦊 Will cuddle you in public with no ducks given, like you in his lap if he does, showing and flaunting what's his and just how he gets to fluster like this on his own

🦊 "Come on babe, I'm need of some company that doesn't involve them."

🦊 "Oh please! What could be more important than cuddling with your favorite killer. Hm, Sugar lips?~"

🦊 "Oh Little Devil, you should really know me by now~"

🐺 Cling to him and he'll cling to you!

🐺 You can't get clingier than Mike, no way, not happening, he'll win every time

🐺 Cuddling with Mike is asking to be stuck in one place for hours, he won't move unless he wants to and you won't move unless he wants you too

🐺 Your always tucked into his side or in on him, hell he'll be one you half the time too

🐺 On the couch you'll either by nestled away in his side or he's tucked against yours or your neck, an occasional kiss to follow

🐺 He likes, when cuddling you, keeping his face or head hidden in you neck, hearing you breathe relaxes him. His kisses? They are on your pulse point a majority of the time

🐺 Laying his head on your chest to feel your heart beat is his second favorite, even more so if your holding his head into said area's he melts

🐺 Granted he won't ever tell you with him being a man of few words, his actions and reactions speaking louder, so if you pay attention you'll be able to tell just when he softens in your arms

🐺 He's open with his affection but he's not- it's hard for him to exactly show you this

🐺 When he wants to cuddle he'll just say 'mine' and next thing you know your being drug off by him and into a cabin alone

🐺 Grunts like a mf when you try to get up and he's half asleep into you cuddling, he's already hard to escape with and ironclad grasp, but it's tenfold when you try to sneak away from a moment

🐺 He's attached to your hip, Ghost could practically say your conjoined with how much Mike follows you or is on you

🐺 That another thing, if he's feeling showey with affection and wants you to reciprocate it he'll attach himself to your back with his arms around your waist, face hidden in your neck, or glaring at whoever you're talking to till they either get uncomfortable and leave or take the hint to skedaddle

🐺 Cuddling him in bed you better be ready to not move and hold one another the whole night, limbs tangled and blanket tangled in as well, it's a comfortable glorious mess

🐺 Both of your legs wound with one another as one of you holds the others head and chest in a snuggled hug, his face hidden away in your neck and shoulder as he presses his cheek to your pulse, it's his comfort spot

🐺 Feeling your pulse and heartbeat and hearing you breathe is what tethers him to cuddling you so much, even more so when he hasn't seen you in a while (a few minutes maybe an hour)

🐺 Cling to him like he does you, he absolutely adores it and won't stop you, if you wanna just basically bed rot and cuddle a whole day away give this boy a call, he'll be there like he never wasn't, he loves his cuddles with you

🐺 "Mine."

🐺 "Mine?"

🐺 "Cuddles. Now."

🐽 Someone that won't allow himself to lay on you to cuddle

🐽 He just doesn't wanna crush you under his weight, even though you've said you'd happily suffocate doing so, denied it even harder after you said it

🐽 While he won't lay his whole body weight on you, you can get away with having his head lay in your lap, on your belly, or your chest, but that's about all you can get him to do in terms of him on top

🐽 But it's worth it, seeing hints of his eyes behind his mask, the blush that keeps growing the longer you look at him from your lap, the way his collosal hand come and covers your whole face while pushing your face the other direction

🐽 He's bashful, he's private, he's not a big PDA guy, your cuddling will solely be restricted to when it's just you two, he values his you and him time

🐽 Normally cuddling with Leather won't always be as often as either of you two want, buts also cause Leather will wait and wait and wait till your not around a bunch of people or any of the other killers before he would ask

🐽 Otherwise your initiating it a majority of the time, cuddling with him is like cuddling a massive pillow, there's so much of him for you to grab, squish, kiss, bite, so much of him for lil ol you

🐽 On the couch he'll have you in his lap a majority of the time, you can face him or away from him, sit sideways, over, or straddle his lap, doesn't matter to him ass long as he has an arm or a hand on you he's comfortable

🐽 He'll have an arm hooked around your neck or waist lazily for when you want to get up and grab something or use the bathroom, puts it right back where it was and resumes his own task

🐽 Cuddling in bed was something to warm up to with him because he didn't want to accidentally crush you if he fell asleep, he doesn't move in his sleep-

🐽 Often times you'll be laying against his side either hugging his body or turned and hugging his arm, makes him smile when you have softer moments like such, just you, him, and the comforting silence and snores that follow

🐽 When he's laying on his side with you facing him, you use his arm as a pillow and hug and snuggle into his chest, into his neck, his free arm wrapped around your waist, the slow tangling of your legs, god he loves this

🐽 Most probably won't admit just how much he love to cuddle, but he will tell you a enjoys being able to have you to himself for a little while

🐽 Will play with your hair while cuddling in bed, running his fingers through your hair, carefully giving your scalp gentle pulls, then moving to scratch the back and top of your head just enough that has you melting in place

🐽 You should do it back to him, flinching the first few times you do, but he eventually soothes into it, looking up at you from his place against your chest, the flash of green poking through the mask up at you, you don't need his mask off to tell he's content

🐽 Not very outwardly with him wanting cuddles, but he loves him when he gets them, he wants both of you comfortable and likes holding you when he sleeps

🐽 Sleeping with you keeps the nightmares from surfacing as harshly as they used too, they still happen, but with you there with him, grounding him, he's able to at least get some sense of sleep

🐽 "Could you hold still for 5 minutes? You make this difficult on purpose don't you piglet.."

🐽 "Come on piglet, let's go lay down."

🐽 "Hmm? No piglet, just go back to sleep for me."

[tategaminu]

SOOO the title for 05X6 dropped and I'm going feral

Be prepared to hear my long ass theory about this episode and why it will be the rayllum fully gets back together episode (I'm annoying)

Of course we already know season 6 will mirror S3 or at least that's what it looks like. "Moonless Night" is episode 5‚ the same one when Callum and Rayla first got together‚ just as 4 had the title of the place they reach. (The Midnight Desert‚ The Starcrapper)

I have to add‚ just as season 3 had Nyx‚ there's this sky girl called Astrid who may act as the Nyx parallel‚ who knows.

I don't use Discord but my info provider (hello there) told me Devon said episode five would be emotionally heavy and a favourite. A person said ep2 of season 5 were their favourite because the cute rayllum moments and Devon said "until 5 of 6" 🧐

Aparently, it was confirmed by writers this episode would DESTROY people KILL EVEN, well maybe not that but you get me. We know how emotional these two blorbos are for each other right? and we for them. In Discord, a person said ep2 of season 5 were their favourite because the cute rayllum moments and Devon said "until 5 of 6" 🧐

Now let's go to the juicy part. The title. This title is absolutely loaded. like wth. We all know whose favourite girl is related to the moon right? of course we are worried. But I think she's gonna be ok, in the end at least, let me explain.

Of course I'm asuming this scene from the teaser may be from episode 5. We see Callum falling in a moonless night but I'm guessing the title isn't that literal. I think Callum is falling emotionally and literally just as he has before for Rayla. He fell in love with her‚ he fell off a cliff for her and then fell emotionally when she left. The sky he is in is dark‚ no moon‚ representing his own mental state without Rayla. Rayla left him at night just as Callum is falling in the night (omg)

Callum had a moonless night every day for two years because his guiding moon wasn't in his life. I think they may talk about it or it will affect Callum in this episode some way.

Note that the teaser opens with this scene, next we have Aaravos saying "we are all of us, stardust, held together by love for an instant"

(wow subtle foreshadowing you guys)

and the teaser ends with Callum losing his love wings. The wings he got for her. Basically opening with a rayllum scene and closing with a "rayllum" scene ya know

In Chasing Shadows Rayla specifically mentions the stars in his eyes‚ when he does the big speech:

Now‚ what do I think will happen?

EP3: They visit the Silvergroove? just like in ep 3x3. Maybe visit Ethari? "heeey your husband is alive ok bye". My own guess is that they will get the boat from the leaked scene there since there are moon animals in that thing and reach the frozen ship with that.

Ep4: they reach destination and meet the sky elves, Astrid included, with no hiccups. ba dum tss

Ep5: Basically 05x3 but different and sexier

Whatever Callum is about to do I highly doubt Rayla will agree with it because you know how they are (me getting hurt is ok but not you). He convinces her like he did in TTM‚

But this time Rayla is the one to say it

I think that even if Callum promises he will be ok‚ he will have a "I want you to know" moment again and that may lead to talking about her leaving. This may derive into a kinda argument. Callum and Rayla can't continue their talk because they get interrumped (once again) but the memories of a broken heart and feelings affects him badly. He's just emotionally distraught and loses his love wings because whatever. I doubt Rayla isn't seeing any of this, you know how she is. She didn't spend 7 hours watching him sleep to actually not watch this like c'mon

This time Rayla may be the one saving Callum from falling (literally and metaphorically). Now yeah Rayla can't fly but maybeeee

A: she calls out for his name, "waking" him up

B: she just jumps (im going for this one) like Callum did for her. She jumps, not knowing if it's going to work, wakes him up after catching him‚ Callum is able to get his wings back and fly them both into safety, Callum gets his love wings again for her but this time she's being the savior (in the most part). Maybe even completing whatever mission they ask as well. TOGETHER.

After this we may get a Rayla is a hero speech or this time Callum is a hero speech, I don't know‚ I think it would be more fitting if it's from Callum and the hero Callum speech is from Rayla to her parents. Whateve, they finally have their three sesaon dragged conversation and they both kiss like in S3 but maybe reversed this time (Rayla kissing first and apologizing and Callum kissing her next) and they fully come back together :'). I dont think we will get an I love you until ep 9 but we won't really need it here right? we already know!

The episode ends with them kissing under the moon. Moonless Night ending with with a moon night (metaforically and literally)

Now‚ this is just my own guess and it sounds very very self-indulgent (heh) but a girl can dream

[infinite-ticking-clock37]

Help why is Silved mpreg a new thing on this app- like what started this help me

OH BOY how the fuck do I explain this shit

Ok so basically back in very early January I decided to draw Silver Spoon.. but pregnant. AS A JOKE-

Then my gf (@humanaltarr) posted the pic, and a few of my moots on Tumblr saw it, and at first I was like "Welp this is the end of my Tumblr career" and I think just a few hours later one of my moots (@spiritmander13) wrote the first Silver Spoon mpreg fic called "Silver Suffers With Morning Sickness" with 6 chapters (technically 7 but the 7th isn't involved with the story)

Then Silver Spoon mpreg became a big joke mostly on the oscc discord I believe (I joined it for a few days but left) and then for a while it was quiet, until I started an ask blog called @askthe-iii-shipchildren, on April 5th, and on April 30th I got an ask by an anonymous person where they wanted Candelabra to put Silver Spoon in a maid dress, and I ended up drawing Silver in a maid dress

Now here's were the second Silver mpreg era began. I made a joke with Candle saying "If Silver stays in that for much longer Candelabra is gonna have a little sibling soon" cuz I thought it would be funny (had no idea what it would cause)

Then @spiritmander13 reblogged it and said something like "CANDLE NO-" and I replied back saying "Silver Spoon mpreg part 2 /j" AS A JOKE. She told me not to start it again, and I said "Aw shucks" but in the tags of that reblog, I said "Time to draw Silver pregnant in a maid dress" and that's where I messed up since Spiritmander said they were intimidated.

Suddenly, I got tagged in a post by Spiritmander, and it seemed to be a screenshot of them saying "Don't tell Infinite, my sins shall stay hidden until it is the right time (I scrolled for like 20 minutes on their blog to find that fucking hell)

Then I got a little spooked cuz yk it's not everyday shit like this happens. I then screenshotted it and went into her inbox with the screenshot and asked "WHAT IS RHIS, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN" and she replied with another screenshot and it said "*Casually steals Tumblr mutuals fankid for the story*" and that's when I knew what was happening.

Soon, Spiritmander posted another Silver Spoon mpreg fic called "Little Moth"

Then it was a little quiet after that, with me making an occasional joke about it, always ending it with Spirit saying "HEY YOU STARTED IT!"

There is also this whole thing with "Bab Incest" Spirit did but I wasn't involved with that

Later in to May, me, @spiritmander13 and @mxmc13 formed the "Silver Spoon simp trio" cause apparently we all saw each other as friends so why not

Then the (sort of) mpreg era 3 started again. I'll put this part simply and say that me and a few other people on osc Tumblr got asks in our inboxes by "Anon~Chan" that were basically like a shitty Wattpad story but with II characters, and I personally got a Silverloon mpreg thing.. so fun..

And the most recent thing that happened. There was a Two x Jax post, and me, Mc, and Spirit were basically joking more about Silver Spoon mpreg in the reblogs, until Spirit came along and said "Silver Spoon simp trio canceled." And me and Mc were absolutely DEVASTATED and then Spirit said that me and Mc had to write Silver Spoon mpreg as well, for me as punishment for drawing it and confusing the original poster, and for Mc.. dunno..

And that's what's currently happening, I am working on my Silver mpreg and so is @mxmc13 ..

And yeah that's the whole story pretty much, this was a VERY long post and probably not even was the asker really wanted but meh

Anyways I imma end this off with saying.. I do not regret first drawing the Silver Spoon mpreg, since this is all genuinely fun and it even got me some friends on this site (Spiritmander and Mxmx and their great) so yeah =]

(also this is NO hate to anyone mentioned in this, and the fics that Spirit wrote are actually really good so I recommend checking them out)

[starwalker42]

human credentials

A realisation, a car ride, and a question.

“Scully… do you think there’s a chance you might be autistic?”

Autistic!Scully fic, because my brain wouldn't shut up until I wrote it. I've pictured it taking place in season 2, but it could probably fit anywhere between season 1-6. Many thanks to @i-want-those-files for the autistic Scully meta that started this whole thing, and for the Discord loaves who have put up with me talking about this for weeks <3

Read on AO3 | @today-in-fic

It's been a long morning.

A phone call at 3am; Skinner’s voice, still thick with sleep, apologising for the early hour. Some weapons bust at a warehouse in northern Virginia – intel was fresh, perps were in place, and all hands were needed on deck for go time in two hours. A car would be outside his apartment in ten minutes. Mulder had rolled off his couch, turned off Space Odyssey, and was waiting by the kerb within two.

Scully was already in the back of the sedan, but they’d maybe exchanged ten words on the way – she’d dozed as Mulder had watched the pitch-black countryside roll past the window, feeling a familiar itch buzz through him. If he was back at his apartment, he’d be heading out for a run to shake it off. He guessed an armed raid would be a suitable replacement.

They got to the rendezvous late, barely twenty minutes before it was time to go – just enough time to get kitted out and receive a rundown on the plan. He sat next to Scully in the SWAT van, elbows bumping in the close quarters, and waited for the signal to go.

It was loud, messy, but over in less than ten minutes – the gang had been caught unaware, with barely a chance to react. All the same, there were casualties: two agents and four suspects wounded in the crossfire, and one suspect dead from a hand grenade he’d detonated accidentally. Mulder’s ears were still ringing, four hours later.

Four hours later, when he’s still at the warehouse, because a big raid like this means one thing: paperwork.

His rifle has been checked three separate times, and he’s been asked the same questions twice, by separate senior officers: How many times did you fire your weapon? Do you feel you reacted with proportionate force? Who provided your orders? Did you voice any concerns prior to engagement? Were these listened to by your task force leader?

And he’s answered the questions as they want him to, playing the good little FBI agent and biting back any sarcastic response that threatens to raise its head. They’ve shut the X-Files before. He doesn’t need to give them encouragement to do it again.

Once the seniors are satisfied, he’s allowed to go, so long as he promises to keep his cell phone close by and not to speak to any press until the official statement is released. They give him permission to turn in his vest and helmet, and after leaving the debrief area he’s finally allowed to talk to the other agents milling around the scene, looking just as drained and bored as he feels.

There’s only one agent he wants to talk to, but she’s nowhere to be found.

He feels his heart twist in something that feels like disappointment as he realises she’s probably long gone, on her way back home after her own debrief. There’s an understanding that they won’t be in the office until later, now, but part of him had been hoping they’d drive back to Washington together, sharing common grievances and singing to the radio. He swallows the familiar feeling of abandonment and asks another agent how to get out of here.

“There are cars out the back.” Mulder nods and turns to leave, until the agent adds, “Good luck out there.”

He doesn’t bother asking why, but the comment is explained soon enough.

Someone must have tipped off the press, because the moment he steps out of the warehouse he’s blinded by camera flashes. There are microphones being thrust towards him, and he can’t respond even if he’d wanted to, because all the questions are flowing together, too loud for him to hear. For a long moment he just stands there, blinking away the sunspots in his vision.

Then he remembers – he’s got to be a good little FBI agent, and standing mute and dumb in front of the press is not a good look.

“Excuse me.” He squeezes past the cameras, keeping his head down.

He isn’t wearing his windbreaker, and he hopes that with nothing to formally identify him as FBI the journalists will soon lose interest. A few keep trying as he edges through the crowd, but after a few ‘no comment’s they leave him alone.

As he leaves them behind, the first drops of rain start to fall. He hurries around the side of the warehouse to the cars, flashing his ID to the agent monitoring them as he ducks under the ticker tape.

It’s a standard fleet, government-issue black sedans, and Mulder knows each one has the keys waiting for him in the ignition, ready for him to head back to Alexandria with the understanding that he’ll return it to the Hoover Building at his convenience.

He doesn’t like being a good little FBI agent, but it does have its perks.

He’s surveying the cars, reading to take his pick, when he sees a flash of red hair out of the corner of his eye.

It’s Scully. She’s sat in a car – in the passenger seat, he realises with a grin.

She waited. Of course she did.

He practically bounds over, throwing open the driver’s door, and leans in. “To Georgetown, ma’am?”

She doesn’t acknowledge him. At first, he thinks nothing of it, just climbs into the seat and starts to buckle his seatbelt, but then he notices her hands. She’s got both of them resting on her thighs, and she’s clenching and releasing her fists, over and over, so fast it seems an almost unintentional movement, a spasm of muscles.

He looks up at her face, and realises her eyes are squeezed shut. Her shoulders are tight, pulled up towards her ears, and her hands keep going. In, out, in, out.

He’s never seen her like this. He’s not sure what to make of it.

“Scully?”

There’s a noise, then, a whine almost, quiet but continuous, and it takes him a moment to realise that it’s coming from his partner.

“Scully?”

It doesn’t stop. To his distress, her movements start to get more frantic, her fists clenching faster and faster, until suddenly something changes. Before he can stop her, her hands have come up and she’s hitting herself, slapping her open palms against the side of her head hard enough that it must be hurting, but she doesn’t stop.

Mulder doesn’t think, just moves – he gets out of the car, indifferent to the steady downpour that’s now started, and heads to her side, opening the passenger door. He reaches in and grabs her wrists, so tight he can see the skin there turning red as he pulls her arms away, back into her lap.

“Scully, stop.”

His touch seems to freeze her, and she stops, not fighting him – but as soon as her hands still, her feet start to move, her knees bouncing up and down, and she’s still making that noise, a soft keening in the back of her throat. Frantic, he runs his eyes over her, searching for an injury, blood, anything that would explain… oh.

Some part of his brain finally kicks into gear, and as he watches her, watches the tension in her body and the need to move, it all slowly starts to make sense in a way he hadn’t been expecting but now seems entirely logical.

“Scully,” he says quietly, kneeling down next to the car. “Scully, I think I know what’s going on. I know you need to help yourself calm down, but I can’t let you do something that’ll hurt you. Okay?”

She doesn’t stop moving, doesn’t open her eyes or relax, but she acknowledges him, gives him a quick, jerky nod of the head.

“So if I let go of you, I need you to do something that won’t hurt. Promise me?”

Scully nods again, and he releases her wrists.

As he’s expected, her legs slow their bouncing as she laces her fingers together, squeezing them against each other. Little by little, her shoulders start to relax.

Mulder stays kneeling by her side, and keeps his voice quiet, his tone even.

“Can you tell me what happened back there?”

For a long moment, Scully doesn’t reply, just sits there, clenching her hands. Then, just as quietly as he had, she speaks. “It was too much. It was just… too loud, and too bright, and there were too many people, and it wouldn’t stop.”

Her hands start to move faster, and he fights the urge to grab onto her again. Instead, he exaggerates his breathing, gently prompting Scully to do the same, helping her breaths come slow and deep. He waits until her hands slow down, and then asks her another question.

“How can I help?”

“Uh…” She gives a shaky smile at that. “Honestly, just keep doing what you’re doing.”

That eases the grip of fear from around his heart, just a little. He’s doing something right, at least. Realising he’s still crouched next to her open door, he starts to straighten, giving her space.

“Should I get back in the car?”

For the first time, Scully’s eyes open, seeking his.

“No,” she pleas. “Stay there?”

Her desperation makes him pause; he relaxes back onto his haunches as her eyes slide shut again, and stays in place by her side, feeling the rain drip off his hair. “Okay. I’m here for as long as you need me.”

Gradually, her hands start to slow, moving from a regular rhythm of clenching and releasing to an occasional squeeze together, until they’re resting on her lap, entwined but still. Her breathing has steadied, too, and with a final deep inhale Scully lifts her head and opens her eyes again to look at him.

“Okay. I think I’m okay.”

There's a moment where he wants to say something, wants to take her hand and squeeze it, but he stops himself, aware they’re not completely alone.

Instead, he suggests the only thing that he can. "Do you want to get out of here?"

She breaks eye contact, something under the surface that he can’t quite place. "Yeah. Let's do that."

He gets back in the car and they drive.

xXx

It’s been almost an hour of driving before Scully speaks.

“I’m sorry about that.”

They’ve made good progress through the near-empty roads on the way to DC, but now, as they near the capital, the traffic has started to pile up; Mulder watches the rain bounce off the trunk of the car ahead as he tries to think of a way to reply.

Finally, he settles for an easy response, a non-answer, really. “How are you feeling now?”

“Better. Calmer. I think it was bad because I hadn’t slept - my nerves were a little frayed.”

“Has it happened before?”

“A few times. I normally deal with it before it gets that bad.”

What she doesn’t say doesn’t escape his attention. This has happened before. Multiple times.

He tries not to think about that – about her struggling, panicking, feeling overwhelmed and not feeling able to tell anyone. Has it happened when he’s been close by? After she’s left the office, or in the adjoining motel room? Have there been times where he’s missed it, or mistaken it for tiredness or irritation, when actually it was something deeper, something far more difficult for her to explain?

He remembers what crossed his mind, standing in the rain next to the car.

“Scully…” He starts, immediately trailing off as the words escape him.

How do you ask something like this? And not just to a stranger, but to a friend, his partner, who knows him better than anyone? Who he knows better than anyone?

Someone he should know better than anyone. There’s a voice at the back of his head asking why it took him so long to notice, why he never asked the right questions or picked up on certain things, why it took him until now to join the dots together. He can’t indulge that voice right now - there’ll be time for blame and rumination later. He needs to finish his question, get it out before he loses the confidence to do so. So, before he can overthink it any further, he sets his jaw and bites the bullet.

“Do you think there’s a chance you might be autistic?”

He can’t look at her as he says it, but there’s a pause, and he feels her eyes on him. He keeps his fixed on the headlights of the car in front, giving her time. She can shout at him if she wants to – he thinks he might deserve it.

She doesn’t shout. After a moment, she asks him a question in response. “You’re the psychologist, right?”

He knows what she’s asking, and he doesn’t want to lie to her.

“I think… I think what happened earlier, what you described, was sensory overload. And what you were doing with your hands looked a lot like stimming.”

“And that’s related to autism?”

“It can be.” She’s not going to let him drop it, not that easily, so he fishes for the right words for a moment. “Scully, I can’t diagnose you, and even if I could I wouldn’t want to. A diagnostic label is so definite, and people can find it so harmful if they’re not ready, and the last thing I want to do is to make you feel uncomfortable - I know it’s not easy to hear, not if you’re still processing the idea.”

He stops himself, aware the words are coming out faster than he can control them.

“I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t want to upset you.”

“You’re not.” He turns to look at her. She’s looking right back, endless blue shining with a resolute certainty. “Mulder, back there… that’s the first time anyone has ever understood what’s going on, or said something helpful. When I used to – what did you call it?”

“Stimming. Self-stimulating.”

“I used to do it sometimes, in grade school, when it got loud, or everything was too much. I’d just… click my fingers, or clench my fist over and over. But then the teachers told me off for fidgeting, and the other kids laughed at me, so I forced myself to stop.”

He forces himself to wait, to let her fill the silence.

She takes a long, deep breath.

“I remember thinking ‘what’s wrong with me?’. It felt like there was some big joke, something everyone else was in on, but that I couldn’t work out.

 “I still feel it now, sometimes, this sense of…” she gestures vaguely. “Of something being wrong. Something’s wrong with me, and everyone else knows, but I can never pinpoint what it is.”

She runs her tongue over her lip, and her next words shake a little. "Mulder, are there… are there other things? About me?"

He knows what she means. And she wants it from him straight, so that's how he gives it to her.

"I know that when people make small talk with you, you get uncomfortable. You prefer it when people say and act how they think, and you find fitting in with people, especially other women, difficult. You don't like change. You have a very rigid belief system, and you don't like anything challenging that. Expressing emotion doesn't come easily to you, but when you feel you feel a lot. You like numbers and science and the certainty of the laws of nature." 

And there's nothing wrong with you, he thinks, but doesn't say. There's nothing wrong with you at all.

Scully's quiet for a long moment. He knows her well enough to know that this means she's thinking, probably too much.

“Okay. I probably, to some degree, fit the profile. But I can do all those things. I can make small talk and act interested in those conversations, and I can tolerate uncertainty and change. And I can deal with too much noise and movement, most of the time.”

“Isn’t that the problem?”

She looks at him.

“The words you’re using, Scully. ‘Act’, and ‘tolerate’ and ‘deal with’. You don’t do those things because you find them easy, or because you enjoy them. It’s because you have to.

"A lot of autistic people - autistic women, especially - talk about pretending. Masking how they actually are or feel, because they want to blend in. It's like… like constantly wearing a disguise you don't feel safe enough to take off."

She falls silent again. The cars ahead start to move, and he puts the car into drive, almost missing her next words under the noise of the engine.

“I thought that was how everyone felt.”

Mulder doesn’t know how to respond to that, or if she even needs a response, so he just waits.

“Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know myself. So much of who I am is for other people, to fit in, and I don’t even know why I bother because it doesn’t make me feel better. Instead I feel like I’m hiding, and I’m terrified of being found out. I’m waiting for someone to realise I’m not who I pretend to be.

“You know, I get so excited about science. About the beauty and the mystery of it, and its absurdity and incredibility, about how I’ll never know everything about how the world works, and how the laws of nature and physics are older than the Earth, and will keep the universe moving even after I’m gone. But I can’t explain that to anyone in a way that makes sense, so I pretend I’m interested in science and medicine in the same way everyone else is.

“But it’s not just that, it’s everything else. I mean, at work I wear certain clothes and style my hair in a certain way, not because I want to but because that’s how I’m expected to, and I look in the mirror and don’t recognise myself because that’s not me. I feel like you’re one of the only people who’s ever seen past that, who even gets close to knowing who I actually am. To everyone else, I’m completely different. I’m some person who doesn’t even exist, it’s just a lie.”

She pauses.

"It's… it’s exhausting.” Saying that seems to help some of the tension leave her body.

“That’s how I feel. I don’t know if I can explain how… how tiring it is, having to be normal, for other people.”

“What if you didn’t have to be?”

She gives him a look. "Mulder."

"No, just bear with me for a minute. I know you won't be able to with everyone, but with me, at least. What if you could completely let go of that need to be normal?"

Another pause. Then, so quiet he almost doesn’t hear: "I'm afraid."

He's only heard her say that once before, sat at his bedside discussing belief and life after death, and her father who passed away only a few short days before.

"I think I'm afraid of what happens if I let go of the mask."

Something twinges in his chest at the idea that Scully – Scully, who can stand in front of a team of seasoned agents and give orders with the best of them, who will stare death in the face without blinking, who is the kindest, most compassionate, most amazing person he’s ever known, is scared of the judgement of other people.

The words come to the front of his mind again, and this time he feels them almost slip from his lips: There is nothing wrong with you. Everything you think is weird, or wrong, or unacceptable, makes you perfect. You’re incredible, Scully.

But he can’t say that. Can’t allow himself to say it, not like this, because he’s a little bit scared of what it signifies. So instead, he says something that he hopes is close enough to what he means, what he wishes he could say.

"Scully, I am the last person on earth who would judge you." It comes out softer than he'd intended it to.

Slowly, they edge forward with the traffic, the rain starting to slow. He doesn’t take his eyes of the car ahead, but he can feel her thinking all the same. This time he finds himself filling the silence.

“I want you to know that if the office is ever too loud, or we’ve just come out of a busy meeting, and you need time to yourself or you need to stim, you can do. I know it might be hard if you’re used to hiding it, but I don’t want you to feel like you can’t.”

“I wouldn’t want to distract you.”

He glances across at her. “Scully, I do it around you all the time. It doesn’t bother me.”

They stop again. There’s a moment of silence, and when he turns to face her, Scully’s looking at him, forehead creasing in confusion. Mulder suddenly realises that he’s always just assumed Scully knew.

“I stim.” He answers her unasked question. “When I tap pencils, or chew seeds? It’s different to you, I do it to concentrate, but it’s the same thing.”

“But you’re not…”

“Autistic? No, I’m not.” Now he has to explain, he’s not actually sure how to. He’s never said the words out loud before. “In 1983, ten years after Samantha went missing, there was a police inquiry into her disappearance. I had to have a psychiatrist assess me, to check how reliable my testimony was, and if there was a chance I had a psychotic disorder that would explain what I saw.

“When he finished the assessment, he asked why no one had ever assessed me for attention deficit disorder before.”

Scully smiles at that, her lips twisting into a half-grin.

“I know,” Mulder jokes. “You’d think I would have worked that out sooner, given the 21 years I’d spent with my brain and the three-year psychology degree.”

The traffic starts to move again – the roads are clearing now as rush hour comes to an end and they move further towards the centre of the city. They both fall quiet once more, Mulder’s attention on the roads ahead and Scully back to gazing out of the window. It’s a peaceful silence, though, one that Mulder hopes is a good sign rather than an indicator that Scully’s lost in her own thoughts again. Neither talk until he pulls up outside of her apartment building, which is when Scully turns to look at him, one hand on the door handle.

“Mulder?”

“Mm?”

“Thank you.”

He hears the gratitude in her voice, deeper than he’d expected. He can’t quite acknowledge it; he wants to tell her she has nothing to thank him for - that all he’s done, really, is the bare minimum, and probably far too late, at that.

He doesn’t say any of that – just nods a little, in understanding, and offers her a small smile.

“Any time.”

She opens the door, saying over her shoulder almost as a second thought, “I’ll see you later?”

“Wouldn’t miss it.” Scully glances back at him properly, and he gives her a full-blown grin. “I’ve got a case about hydrokinesis that’s got your name on it.”

She rolls her eyes at him as she gets out of the car, and he laughs.

[novelcain]

Novel I have the funniest story

So I have Discord, right? And recently, my mobile Discord notifications haven't been sending. I don't know why, I have all the permissions turned on, but it won't work—whatever, right? As long as I check my phone regularly, right?

And it's been a really good day! I got the highest grade on my essay, I totally nailed a presentation, I made my favorite soup for dinner—a great day. It's around 6:50 PM and I'm cradling my soup in one hand on the couch, just relaxing from the day. It's my first break from homework for a while, and I'm enjoying it. I decide to share the positivity in one of my group chats on Discord with my close friends. So I send "@everyone love you" and I close Discord, thinking nothing else. I finish my soup, I do the dishes, and I go upstairs to play some video games on my computer.

All the while, I haven't checked my phone. I don't have Discord open on my PC, and I've been trying to cut my hours on my phone to focus on the real world (aka touching grass). I play a game, and while I'm waiting for another player to take their turn, I check my phone because I'm bored.

Strangely, I have one notification. I don't recognize what app it's from, but it looks like a text or call. I unlock my phone to check and find out it's my friend Catherine calling me on Whatsapp. Strange, right? We only use Whatsapp for sending videos that are too big for other applications and for when my internet kills Discord. (For context, Catherine is my best friend and basically the Novel to my Ritz. Also, my wifi is awful—probably why I've been struggling to receive notifications)

I think the call is weird, especially since there were no Whatsapp texts accompanying it. I try to call Catherine back, but she doesn't pick up. I reason as to why she did it—most likely I didn't respond to Discord fast enough so she tried to get my attention elsewhere. That makes sense, we do it all the time to each other. So I go and check Discord.

It opens to the channel I left it on, where I pinged my friends and told them love you. I notice I had 6 DMS, but I noticed my friends had replied and I was curious to see how they were. had already forgotten I did that, to be honest, so I go and read the responses. Let me just:

(Cami)

@everyone love you

(Raven)

LOVE YOU TOO

(Jasper)

love you too

(Slyvie)

You're the best! :)

(Raven)

Why the random love you tho?

(Sylvie)

Yeah, that confused me a bit too

(Raven)

Cam whats goin on?? Why the random love you?

And suddenly, it hits me why Catherine called.

And my first thought is: oh my god, they do not think I killed myself.

I open my DMs to Catherine, and sure enough I see: "are things mostly okay Cami? You haven't marked off anything from your accountability list, and there was the message you sent in the groupchat. I'm a little worried."

And I just go: OH MY FUCKING GOD THEY THINK I KILLED MYSELF.

Which is literally the worst way you could ever respond to "love you" with, by the way

Anyway, I explained what happened and now it's going to be an inside joke with the group. I literally despise my friends, theyre the best😭😭😭

LMAO GIRL NO! You be out here givin people heart attacks professionally istg 😭

But honestly as someone who's done this on accident too this is so funny 😂😂😂

Also my discord mobile notifs have been fuckin up too! What's up with dat? 🤔

Also!

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR SCORE!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎊🎊🎊🎊🥳🥳🥳🥳🥂🥂🥂🥂 SO PROUD OF YOUUUUUU!!!!!

[noodleblade]

Miscellaneous Tag Game (stolen title <3)

thank you bestie:3 @searchingfortheuniverse I'll be working on this while im on and off phone calls~

A band you don’t like that many others do: UM idk...my music taste is all over the place and I really only know the bands i think?? oh- maybe Mother Mother, only because I have not bothered to listen to their music past Junkrat hype videos and that's probably tainted my view a little. For better or for worse.

A childhood memory that you remember vividly: during a summer in greece, idk how, but I got roped into selling watermelons off the side of the road. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7, but I remember I would put the watermelon in a plastic bag and the farmers thought it was really funny because that's such a...united states thing...to bag 1 whole watermelon in plastic. Anyways, they paid me in cucumber slices with salt.

Least favorite animal and why: HUH LEAST. I'm not a huge fan of like reptiles? Specifically those smaller than a bread box. Too fast, too squirm. Im worried I'll crush them in my hands. (im thinking of specifically florida geckos...idk they are cute but i freak out trying to hold them).

Hot fandom take: just because something is popular and fandom-wide accepted doesn't mean it is good. and not agreeing with it/wanting to engage in it doesn't mean you or your own opinions are bad. the monopoly on accepted 1 true canon is boring.

Do you wear any jewelry, if so, what’s your favorite piece: I try an rotate my jewelry around but I'm usually wearing a few rings, a necklace and a pair of earrings. My favorites are the rings. They are my mom's old ones and I typically wear the same two every day. One is a gold key of greece and the other is a thin black bar but the sides have really small thin heart cut outs.

A movie others liked but you didn’t: HMMMMM probably the new star wars trilogy. felt unnecessary and i just didn't like it? big shruggies

Three things you love about yourself: my writing- its something that I enjoy the most in the world and something that I can claim as mine. I also think I'm pretty funny in a sillay way which is poggers. I like my openness to trying things. Think that's helped make me more well-rounded. I hope so at least.

A place you hope to visit in the future and why: HMMMMM. I want to visit Japan again. For a new place, I want to go to South America. Peru maybe??? Mexico would also be nice. So that's what I'm gearing up towards next.

An actor that gets on your nerves and why: Uh Matt Smith? No reason behind this. but I see his block head and kind of just look away.

Things you’re excited for in the nearby future? I have a lot of little house projects I finally feel like tackling which is exciting. Ive lived in my house for almost 2.5 years and still havent felt like parts of it are complete yet.

Least favorite ship in a fandom you’re in: oof I lowkey kind of hate saying things I don't like on here. bad experiences in the past when people were upset I didn't like a thing they did and got mad at me. But uhhh not the biggest fan of most rodimus ships? but I think mega/rod is my least favorite of them. sorry!

What’s the most toxic fandom you’ve been in? hahaahahahhahahah can you believe Game of Thrones wasn't the most toxic???? it was jjba. I got put on a ban list which was kind of funny. I also got kind of show-ponyed in a toxic discord server for a while which has completely ruined me in the ability to act normal on discord outside of my irl friends. that account is deleted but the ao3 is still circling around.

List three things you find beautiful about life: Friends and family- sometimes I want to kill but I really do love them so so much. I like creating things and creating things with people. I also really like my area as far as nature goes. the beach to swamp ratio sings to me.

Any dreams for the future? I want to go on a really long hike. Maybe like a 2 day one? (< says the person that has gone on a max 2 hour hike before). Also just working on my original fiction again. I miss those fellas.

How are you really feeling today? Motivated!!!! Im a little groggy still, but I've been really excited about life and betterment lately so its overcoming my sleepy brain.

Tags: feel free to do or not: @honkytonka, @elmonstro, @huanted-dennys, @feral-birb-husband, @solarstormstuff @anyone else who wants to!! I'd be happy to read them:3

[badmojodoe]

WAIT OKAY RECAP FOR ME, SOMEONE WHO LITERALLY JUST GOT HERE: i saw you second post, peaked in to find the first, and was like 'huh, weird to ask someone to not use a name, you don't own it', then did a lil hunting of my own cause i Did Not know who you were talking about but i'm Nosy

and i saw the post that pup made and was like 'damn, sad they're not around anymore, but i got my own problems with the hlvrai fandom, have fun getting better ig' and i scrolled a bit on pup's blog and was like 'oh okay, you wanted a distinction between Your gordie, and other gordies, sure, you went about it weird but ig i understand. big ol miscommunication' and MOVED ON

and then. hours later. i'm scrolling. people are jumping down your throat ?? because APPARENTLY that big old giant long post was made Because of you being like 'that was fucking weird to ask me not to use a NAME' and ?? pup got SO FUCKING UPSET that they just LEFT THE INTERNET

i'm so confused. what the fuck.

THEY LEFT??? Anon, I'll be so honest, I made my posts as a one-off "hey isn't this kind of weird and funny" thing for my friends and the like 2 followers I have. I woke up today, sick as all hell, opened Tumblr and had hundreds of notifications from people either dming me like "Hey sorry you're being harassed" or sending me anon asks calling me insults for daring to have an opinion on Tumblr. I haven't checked pups account since I made the og post + have ignored most notifications I've gotten since I prefer to have discussions instead of being yelled at. I only knew that they left discord, not THE INTERNET. OVER ONE POST.

It only shocks me how chronically online someone has to be that a single post, where they went completely unnamed, got them so upset they had to LEAVE the INTERNET. And make a post that has made me be actually harassed by random people (most of whom that I can't block if I wanted to since they're sending anon asks) when my post was not harassment by any means and did not tell people to harass her.

Also since it WAS just a miscommunication she could've just... literally DMed me. "Hey Simon, saw your post, here's what I meant: [blah blah blah]" and I would've DELETED IT..???? They could've stopped this whole thing by replying to me on AO3 with an explanation instead of just deleting the original comment those months ago.

Anyways Thanks for being Just As Confused as this whole thing is making me. And for not calling me 6 bajillion slurs like most people in my asks see fit to do right now!

[complete-idiot-in-love]

Once Upon a Witchlight: Episode 50 (SPOILERS AHEAD)

I'm so sad that I have to wait now for the next episode, how will I survive without my goofy bitches found family???

Sorry that this one's extra long, I added in some pre and post episode comments uwu

Final episode before I have to wait :(

OOOOOO FANART INTRO!!!!!

THE GANG AS POKEMON OMG YES!!!!

Are they gonna be streaming on Youtube now or was this a one time thing? (I hope they stream on youtube)

I want to join the Discord so badly but my social anxiety won’t let me :(

Derek is back! Frost must’ve got over his IBS!

Soundboard noises (Of course Derek does the best one lmao)

I love all the funny noises and voices they do, I wish I was as vocally talented as them

YOOOOOO, THEY’RE GUESTS AT PAX!!! SO PROUD OF THEM, WISH I COULD GO

Mikey’s sweater looks so soft, I wonder where he got it (I fuckin LOVE sweaters fr fr)

The ring of chaos one-shot was so good, I love Joetetee and wish he could come back

Mikey gaslighting people with a FNAF reference is so damn funny, he truly is a gaslight girlboss while Torbek is a girlfailure

I WOULD TOTALLY WATCH A MUPPET MOVIE WITH THEM, I FUCKIN LOVE THE MUPPETS

Mikey says “Here we go” when Rich mentions the muppet movies like my friends when I gush over my hyperfixations lmao, Rich definitely has talked about this before ALSO FUCK U DISNEY FOR STOPPING THE MUPPETS FROM MAKING MORE MOVIES, THOSE ARE COMEDY GOLD

I’m glad they all switch positions and don’t make one person a perma-DM :)

I actually have a bugbear character from waaay back in 2018 so if Torbek makes the race popular I’d be VERY appreciative. They’re one of my favorite races along with satyrs fr fr

 “Torbek’s bringing sexy back” HAHA

DEREK IS FULL-TIME AVANTRIS, DOES THIS MEAN ALL 6 OF EM WORK FOR AVANTRIS AND WON’T MISS A SESSION ANYMORE?? FROST CAN FINALLY HAVE A GUYS NIGHT!!!

Twin dads with man buns /j

Mikey keeps using his Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss actions to get more people to watch the ring of chaos one shot, very funny :)

Derek is a #gamer fr fr

“Derek is bussing fr fr”

Grinko Gladfrown, Mourning Font, Krepe Lacroix, Thorbek and Giddyon Charcoal /j

Andy doing his dancy dance in the background is so gender fr fr

I love these goofy bitches, they’ve spent hour doing NOTHING but I don’t mind cause they’re hilarious

I would love a studio tour, their cables probably look like spaghetti but their knick knacks are probably so poggers looking

I CAN WATCH THEM AT PAX ON TWITCH ON THE 1ST??? YOOOOOOOOOO I CAN’T WAIT!!!!!

Rich SHOULD DM someday, I bet he’d do a great job

Finally we’re getting bean footage after an hour of jokes but I honestly wouldn’t care if they made a 4 hour video of just them fuckin around

We finally met Will and he’s got a knife! “What do you have?” “A KNIFE!” “NOOO”

OH SHIT, HE CALLED KREMY A CROC

Favorite comment: “​forgot how much I love torbek, he's like a wet cat that has alcohol poisoning”

All the little “Friend on the other side” References Kremy does just strengthens my belief that he’s based off the movie

Emergency broadcast: Five fully grown men are arguing with a literal child

Carnival Lecroux need a swear jar fr fr /j

“We could totally murder a horde of kids” FROSTY WTF???

Frost “flossing” and Kremy + Gricko talking about VBucks is so damn funny, more interactions for my Actor AU fr fr /j

MIKEY ACTUALLY GOT A HAT FOR WHEN GRICKO DOES THE 45 DEGREE BODY TILT OMFG

“You can call me Morning Floss!” “I wish I was dead!” SAME KREMY, SAME

“All of you are so damn embarrassing, you’re lucky I love y’all” - My S/I with their head in their hands

KREMY NO, DON’T OFFER KIDS ALCOHOL!!!!

Kremy and Gideon spiking their Sierra Mountain Mist is so canon. My S/I would totally try to drink with them but be absolutely disgusted at the mixture

Kremy and Gideon are drunk lmao

“FR FR, THIS DRINK BE SKIBIDI PHANTOM TAX ON GOD!” WHAT???? I UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR SKIBIDI AND PHANTOM TAX, IS GRICKO DRUNK TOO???? “This ain’t no Ohio drink. You a straight rizzler fr fr, giving me this skibidi drink” GRICKO PLEASE, STOP!!!

“We don’t know what children like, we ran a carnival” HAHA, GOOD ONE FROSTY

These dudes should never interact with children /j

“Y’all’re so weak lmao, straight up unpogger girlfailures. You definitely let people diss your fly girls” - My S/I messing with them because they’re a gremlin

“We’re both trying to protect our found family” HE SAID THE THING OMFG, KREMY SAID THE THING!!!!! MY S/I WOULD BE SO FUCKIN HAPPY TO KNOW THAT THEIR DAD ACTUALLY SEES THEM AS FAMILY!!!

IS MORNING MIST POISON??? ARE WE GONNA DIE????

These fuckers got a whole side campaign of quests to do /j

Wouldn’t Bavlorna’s place be better than Yon? She’s the one that likes children after all

“What is gyatt? What is amogus?” Hootsie and I are very much in the cringe zone as the only two party members young enough to understand the slang Gricko is using

TORBEK IS CURSED TO BE A(R/U)TISTIC!! (We would draw pictures together fr fr uwu)

Gideon is a coward, he’s turned into Torbek! /j

Kremy is a kleptomaniac (So basically the same lmao)

Rich with the 80’s rad hat is so funny for some reason??

Frost is forced to confess to doing bad things even if he has to lie about em (He’s a masochist lmao)

Gricko is magnetic and got stuck to Torbek’s back HAHA

Gideon’s a cowardly vampire LMAO

“DON’T CUT GRICKO’S THROAT, TORBEK’S NOT DONE DRAWING HIM YET” HAHAHAHAHA

Why are they always trying to kill Gricko??? It’s funny but weird

WERE-GATOR KREMY RETURNS!!!!!

New favorite comments: “Werewolf thief and a cowardly vampire, what a pair” and “Avantris News: Four adult men sacrifice a green child to appease child gods”

NAT 20 TO ATTACK TORBEK FROM KREMY BUT NIKKIE DREADED IT

My S/I would be so confused at this chaos, I’d probably over with Hootsie and Juniper knitting because they don’t drink soda or alcohol (Based off myself irl)

“These fucking dumbasses, they’re lucky I’m sane in these moments” - My S/I

So excited to see Torbek’s masterpiece

Carnivale lecroux is spelled the fancy way, makes sense for someone like Kremy to spell his business like that (I’ll probably forget and still spell it carnival tho)

I love just listening to them talk about movies with each other, it's really nice :)

Nikkie hoarding mementos from witchlight behind the DM screen is so sweet!

UNICORN OUTFIT FOR KREMY?????

HAHA KREMY GOT THROWN OUT OF LITTLE OAK

GRICKO, STOP DRINKING THE POOP WATER!!!!

When TORBEK is disgusted by you, you know you fucked up!!

Oh thank the gods, it was a prank by will

CANDY??? TORBEK AND I WANT CANDY!!!!!

Besties who share a sweet tooth and trauma/abandonment issues stay besties forever

“The water in the pool does more than just quench your thirst!” “NOT ANYMORE” Gideon/Torbek unison joke!!!

I love Nikkie and her horde of dolls :)

“I also agree with Torbek, we need to kill that bitch of a hag!” - My S/I

TELL US THE STORY ABOUT THE WENDY’S BATHROOM WHEN Y'ALL WENT TO GENCON

Gricko got the diarrhea this episode lmao

“Fill up squirt” sounds so suggestive

Empty capri sun Gricko is so funny

DISPLACER BEAST KITTY!!!!! YES!!!!!

How many days/nights have these guys been in Prismeer? 4? 5? 6? (The only times I remember them sleeping is: Night at the inn, Frog palace, Mushroom forest high, Pixie camp sleepover, Jabberwock death and now here at little oak)

If Torbek was gone for an hour and that was five years, most of these kid’s parents probably don’t even realize they’ve been kidnapped and are missing

It’s canon to me that my S/I and Torbek sleep on a pile on the floor like Gricko does with Hootsie (Besties with abandonment issues and a love of physical affection uwu)

Who the hell names their kids Bongo and Flute???

My S/I Canonically knows Goblin but I feel like they wouldn’t tell Gricko or Torbek cause they like to eavesdrop in those two’s dumbass conversations lmao

BONGOLLOMEW??????

“Skibidi on god” “fr fr no cap” “BUSSIN!!” I’ve changed my mind, I hate these people /j

DO I ACTUALLY GET TO LISTEN TO AVANTRIS AND CHILL??? POGGGGERS!!!

Gricko turns into a milkshake via Frosty’s mage hand /j

THEY ORDERED $400 WORTH OF PIZZA FOR THE RING OF CHAOS ONE SHOT???? THATS SO FUCKIN MUCH, MACE!

Nikkie loves Fortnite and that makes me happy bc I like Fortnite

Thank you Derek for teaching me waterdrop and breaking nose sound effect :)

[thedovahcat]

Gorillas and Computing

Don’t remember when the last update was.

I think I mentioned I have to put off school till next year because of money reasons?

Either way, to reiterate then for my own sake, I ended up joining that CS50x class Harvard is offering for free online so I have something to study/do in the meantime until Spring 2024.

I’m realizing how good it was that I started with Java on my own back in April (I only jumped into CS50 in the middle of this month of June) because boy, coming in COLD to these sort of subjects is no easy or laughing matter. I’ve normally not submersed myself in such technical fields before, considering my artist degree background. Which, in and of itself is kind of funny because I don’t consider myself the most creative artsy person there was. Now I can legally blame the autism for having me most often side with logic and technicality and what have you, even if I don’t seem that way on the outside.

But still, rolling back a bit, immersing yourself in this totally different world is definitely not something I am used to.

The first week was making a program with Scratch, a bit difficult at first until I started to get the hang of things. Project went really well, made a cute lil’ shooty game.

Second week introduced us to programming in C. And getting used to the syntax and all its little quirks ‘ stuff.

This week we’re going over arrays, which was about where I stopped in Java so from this point on I’ll be going into it blindly.

On arrays, yes I do understand what they are and how they’re used, but I’m finding that typing out parameters and what it is I want to happen in specific loops and such- that’s proving to be the real kicker. Was really struggling with a project yesterday and ultimately gave up and had to look at the answers. Felt real bad about it, even though I’ve only been doing this for 2 months. Not a lot of time at all.

I get a bit disillusioned when I read people who are much younger than me mastering this stuff (allegedly) in like 6 months to a year, there’s just no way that’s possible. There’s SO much stuff to learn and practice, like... Unless they’re up for 14+ hours a day doing ONLY coding and not having a life (not that I am but I believe in this thing called work-life balance) then maybe I can see them being farther than me in about a year’s span or some months.

But, what they don’t have is job experience. I do. I have to remember that all this memorization and stuff I need to do for school, while yes it will help at a job, a job doesn’t give a hoot how you did something as long as it’s done correctly and well enough. Or at least it was that way at my last job, I suspect it can’t be much different in other places honestly.

Moving back to this project I felt I failed on, anyway, studied it as much as I could until I understand what exactly the code was doing, because I figured that would be much better than me copying the answer and then NOT understanding it. Fast forward to today, another project with some similar characteristics that they want.

Actually sat down and wrote out pseudocode of what I wanted the program to do which helped me organize my thoughts. I suppose it’s not unusual to kind of know what you want in your head initially. You just don’t sort out all the particulars and such until you’re actually writing the code itself. Anyway, I wrote that out, then got started implementing what I believed the program would need. Things got WAY too complicated too quickly but because I built enough to see visually for myself, I felt more comfortable googling how to do certain things, rather than look at the Discord and see what everyone else was doing.

Even then, implementing google answers doesn’t mean things are automatically going to work. So that forced me to go over the code some more and really start working on all the separate pieces one by one. Slowly things began to click into place and I understood faster what it was I was doing, or what I had left to do.

I can happily say I completed the project and got everything working as intended. Printed it out on paper and stuck it in my notebook after writing many many notes explaining what each thing does for my own sake. But, looking at it zoomed out now... The code looks so simple and short. I really didn’t need to over-complicate things in the beginning like I did (too bad I didn’t save that first iteration). That’s a habit I tend to have. I make things harder than they need to be at first because I don’t really understand something or what I’m doing. But, once I get it, then things go a lot smoother.

Everyone’s probably like that though with some things! Just a lil’ observation I had about myself is all. Thinking back to my first days as a graphic designer and how they were essentially the same. It would take me hours to do something in a very convoluted way, but only a year or two later I was zooming along. Knew all the shortcuts, knew easier ways to do things.

I can’t wait till I start having moments like that with this programming stuff. Yes I know you’re never truly finished learning, but it’ll be soooo nice when I hit that point to where I can think and translate what I want onto the page a lot faster. And it’ll be much more efficient.

That’s about it for now. June’s already over. This year is halfway over. We don’t have OFMD season 2, I have a trip to Dallas in July I’m super excited for, and I can study and exist at a mostly leisurely pace right now. I’ll enjoy it while I can :)

....

Already getting college nightmares and the like anyhow. Eughhh.

[dykeza]

I greatly apologize for how long this took me to make I have been preoccupied drawing urashinmayu p/rn you understand. You get it. Anyways.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SQUISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My beloved @magic-shortberry and/or @malewife-urahara and/or that other blog that I totally know how to spell the url of what are you Talking about .

Hai Suqish:3 words cannot begin to convey all the things I want to say to you but I will give it the old college try, errmmmm, heheh [I tug my shirt collar, sweating] [I palm the microphone and it rings a little bit] [i wince]

Hanging out with you basically every day playing discord message Barbie with our little bleach dolls for the past however many months it’s been has been So much fun and I cherish every silly thing you say . I am so happy to call myself your friend you are so kind and welcoming.

When I first started posting about bleach on my tumblr it was really weird for me because I just. Wasn’t known for that. And I had a lot of followers for dsmp and suddenly it was like I was a fish out of water with no idea who to talk to and hang out with, and I had sort of resigned myself to enjoying bleach alone bc none of my irl friends bothered to humor me and I was too scared to reach out. And then!!!! You n Mix started interacting with me and reblogging my art and joking around with me over convoluted tag conversation s and then me n Fawn became friends and suddenly I’m up to my neck in discord messages everyday of us goofing around and cracking jokes about our stupid little blorbos in our silly little sleepover chat . It’s all happened so fast and I cannot comprehend to this day how I got so lucky having friends so funny and warm that just, are so witty and imaginative and we can ricochet ideas off of each other until we don’t want to anymore and then we have a new idea to share not 3 hours later .

Sorry thag this is so ramble-y I drew this very fast bc it’s 12:16 and I am Sleepy but you get it. You get it. You’re one of my best friends alongside Fawn @fawnatrix I love u fawn my bestie hehe. I don’t have any extra arts to put here so have a .

Baby Beignet and Softie from like 6 years ago . Kitty kitty. Meow meow. Love u squish:3

[vanillahub]

General RP style and preferences

Repost, don’t reblog. Bold what applies. Strikethrough what does not. Elaborate on any points you’d like.

Please be honest, we all want to find the people who work best with how we RP.

Types of RP / How I do threads

| I don’t I just do whatever is on my dash when I’m online | Mainly asks | I do little short things  mostly | I do my threads on discord | Long running threads that slowly build upon the muses |  

Plotting Preferences

| Wing it* | Get a general idea ooc and then run with it & plot further if need be | Long expansive thought out story arcs |

* = Only at the start, at some point we will have to get plotting if we wish to go further with our interactions/muses.

Type of threads I do / Prefer

| One-liners only* | Whatever dash shenanigans I’m online for | Para or Multi para | Literal Novels |

* = only for cracks/dash shenanigans/non serious threads

Reply Speed for Threads & Consistency & Keeping threads

|  I lose threads all the time & don’t usually get back to them | I  tend to lose threads but please tell me if I have and I’ll reply! | I  drop threads pretty easily | I’m really slow but I WILL get back to you |  I reply on a schedule/queue* | I usually reply  within a week | I reply every day | I reply almost instantly |

* = The majority of my replies on tumblr are tossed into the queue. I use threads tracker, to help me manage what I've got going. On Discord, there isn't a rhyme or reason to when I get back to replies. Unfortunately, I'm a tad inconsistent there.

Romantic or sexual ships

|  I don’t do these ships (specify reason if you would like)* | I’m not  against them happening but it is not the main point of my blog | All  ships will have to be super slow burn & discussed a lot OOC, super chemistry based (specify reason if you’d like**) | I love doing ships, HMU  I probably already ship it just ask! | I ship really quickly | I  autoship or ship within a few interactions | I mainly RP for the cute  ship fluff or smut |

* = This information can be found in my muses about docs/pages! Besides my NOTPs, my real hard limits for ships are incest and minor/adult ships. ** = I love shipping, but I NEED plotting/discussions. Even for ships I’m biased to and enjoy, I’m strongly against the idea of “collecting” ships. I want every verse to receive the same amount of attention/development, it deserves. With that said, I no longer have the same amount of free time I used to have a few years ago. So, I have been preferring to do a lot of plotting, and mainly play/write the most relevant/key things we want to focus on. No interactions or threads are chronologically locked, we can skip the awkward/rough starts of our muses.

Smut

| I do NOT do smut at  all (specify reason if you’d like) | I’m very selective about it | I  only do it on a separate (blog/discord/specify here*) | I mainly only do  asks relating to the subject on Sundays | I I enjoy writing it |

* = I have a smut blog, which is open for interactions even for mutuals who we still haven't had the chance to plot/interact with! With that said, I have been largerly preferring to write it on Discord.

Active hours [Specify Timezone, if you’d like]

| Mornings 8-10 | Midday 11-1 | Afternoon 2-5 | Evenings 6-8 | Night 9-12 | Ungodly hours of the day 1-onwards | Do you guys keep track of this?

Brazilian timezone: UTC -3, that's all you'll need to know.

Activity Schedule

|  SUPER slow and sporadic, like once a month or so | Slow and sporadic  week long gaps between activity | Bi-weeklyish activity | Weekly  activity (specify if there’s a certain time you have school/work/etc.  off that you are most active) | Daily activity | I’m online nearly all  the time |

Being online doesn't mean I'm properly active.

Starters

| I don’t do starter calls | I want to do starter  calls but often don’t have time | I do selective calls (specify) | I  don’t do calls, but always fee free to ask me for one!* I do starter  calls rarely/regularly/often |

* = I have never had any luck with starters call, SO... I much prefer turning meme replies into threads. With that said, I'll be more than glad to write a starter for someone, if they reach me out and ask for it :)

AUs

| I don’t do AUs | My blog is an AU but  outside of that I don’t do them | I sometimes do them but only with a  lot of plotting | I have a couple of AUs already feel free to request  them! | I have AUs coming out of my ears please interact with them! | I  love making AUs HMU to plot if you think of one! | There are some AUs I  won’t do (specify here)* |

Check out my verses sections in my muses Abouts! *= AUs that basically nullify HUGE chunks of essential lore moments (such as 'no order 66 AU' [for SW], 'Aiolos didn't die AU' [for Saint Seiya], 'Protag doesn't become the region's champion AU' [for Pokemon], 'the Belmonts are buddies with Dracula' [for Castlevania]), I'm VERY selective with these kinds of AUs/stories, as such I will most likely give them a pass.

Crossovers

| I  don’t do crossovers (specify reason if you’d like) | I’m selective with  crossovers (specify reason if you’d like)* | I love crossovers! |

* = The fandoms/series I outright refuse to follow/interact with are: Undertale, MLP, FNaF, Homestuck, Genshim Impact, League of Legends, FnF, Disney, Marvel and Historical/Religion/Real person fiction. || Most well known series: Castlevania, pokemon, Star wars, YGO, Tekken and Sonic! I rarely do crossovers, because it is not something I'm interested in doing most of the time! Even with franchises I'm into, I don't get a lot of enjoyment out of RPing them.

[akakios-aikos]

Diary Entry #003

Tuesday, 11. July 2023, 23:38

Alright, so originally I wanted to wait a bit before I do the next entry, but something just happened seconds ago that has me shaking to the point where I might think I'm going to have a panic attack once I'm done with typing this out.

So to go through everything that has happened, it's probably best I go through everything in the order it happened. So last Entry was on Saturday, Sunday was pretty boring, so there is nothing I really need to add there. I think one nice thing that has happened on Sunday, was that I was out with my siblings and a mutual friend of us getting some Sushi all you can eat in your fave restaurant. During the night from Sunday to Monday, I actually tried a spell to manifest a

Now to Monday, so Tay decided to reach out to me after work (I guess?), asking me about what I have been up to, I told him, that work has been boring and how I got some Oil-burns while cooking on the weekend. He, as expected, didn't ask any more questions about the subject, and instead we were talking about his shit (like always). At some point, he just stopped replying right in the middle of the conversation for like 6 hours???? And then he came back like nothing happened, and we just continued talking. Like, at least tell me what the fuck took you so long.

Well anyway, while he was taking his time with replying I had a discord call with Cil and I KID YOU NOT, I love this woman so much. So I told her about how I feel very alienated with the girlies, especially Iruna and she absolutely understood my worries and told me that I was valid in the way I was feeling which... It felt sooo good having someone respond to my struggles with understanding. She told me that I can very well reach out to Iruna and talk about my fears, and how she is sure they will understand how I have been feeling recently. Especially since Iruna did reach out to me again today.

Then we also talked about the situation with Tay and how I feel like he doesn't really acknowledges my issues and the things that I care for, like my stories and poems. Cil once again was the most amazing listener and told me that it is something I have to clearly communicate with him, because what's the point of putting any more effort into a connection if it's completely one-sided? But how do I even tell him those concerns, I don't want to beg him to treat my properly, I just want him to treat me properly without me having to wish and beg for it. So that's something I will have to put in some more thoughts into.

Well now to today (Tuesday). First of all, I didn't go to work, the constant weather changes gave me the BIGGEST migraine. I stayed at home not really doing anything but sleep till noon, once I was feeling a bit better I helped out my older brother with some work and decided that I want to pick up Fire Emblem Engage, because I am really in the mood for some games again. I am probably going to do that tomorrow. Tay and I continued talking, since his response was at like 1 am I think, so we just kinda picked it up again after I woke up.

So now I have been idling in my bed since then going through social media ordered pizza, doing not really anything, when I suddenly see a response Tay made to some RANDOM FUCKING TWEET that just was talking about the reasons why one could be single, and he decided to fucking respond to that saying that he is better off that why and how he doesn't feel like a relationship right now. So now I am shit scared because I DO still have feelings for him, but do I even have a chance??? What can I do to get him to reciprocate these feelings, i wanna be with him but after everything that happened, THAT IS ALL HIS FAULT BTW, he doesn't wanna be with me? That's why I am so scared off communicated my worries with him since I feel like that might turn him away from me and I need to be as loving and pleasant to him as possible... i dont know what to do

[illustratelaw]

And this. This was the point of putting in all those hours, taking all those notes, watching all the livestreams and reading as much as I could in the discord and asking other students for their advice. (The community is actually one of the best things about the course, meeting like minded people from all over the world has been an unanticipated perk!) I was finally starting to see progress! However - it got to the point where I'd been in lesson 1 for 6 months! Which - with the course being called "Portrait Accelerator" at the time, I couldn't help but feel like I was an idiot? Like - was I the only one taking THIS long to grasp the most BASIC concepts in lesson 1?! Me... with a bachelor of arts honours degree... in my 30's - there must be something actually wrong with me... However - as time moved on and Angel and the team took note of our feedback and they decided to change the name to "Portrait System" - which, in itself massively took the pressure off of everyone. Regardless, I still felt I was sold the course under a false pretence... as the old name suggested progress at a reasonably fast pace, and that in fact was the reason I decided to go through with the purchase. So far, I had found this whole experience incredibly humbling - ( as someone with ADHD who suffers from RSD, the perceived lack of progress made me feel like giving up ) I remember being so nervous before every weekly livestream, my heart was racing and I felt physically sick awaiting my critiques - what else had I failed to understand now? What else would I have to hear wasn't good enough? ( That phrase "good enough" is actually my 'bottom line' - something I'd learnt this through years of therapy over low self esteem...) So even thought this is just a dumb art course - something for fun and recreation ( well, hopefully something that potentially feeds into my more commercial success as an artist in the future- but that wasn't why I undertook it initially.) I won't go into detail here but, as someone who suffers from a mile long scrolls worth of mental health issues and who can't work - I thought that this would be an awesome creative outlet and something positive in my life - but it was far more nuanced than that! Not to say that it wasn't enjoyable - it was and continues to be more so as I learn and understand about way more than just art.

[rodechi]

2023 Checkpoint

It's been about 6 months since I did my 2022 Retrospective post, but I found myself feeling rather sentimental lately so I thought I would give a voice to these thoughts. Unfortunately, they're a little less organized than last time.

First and foremost, I would like to extend a hearty "thank you" to my fellow streamers and friends in The Nest. You all have encouraged me in so many ways, both within the context of streaming and also my life at large. Every single one of you is a dear friend to me. If 2022 was a Year of Discovery for me, you all have made 2023 a Year of Growth.

Of course, I can't speak of growth without mentioning Loki, who has not only been an amazing catalyst and supporter of my personal growth, but has undergone a great deal of her own. It's truly been fascinating to watch her along her journey -- processing traumas, learning her boundaries and how to express and enforce them in a productive and safe manner, and honestly just becoming her true self. I got first-hand experience of this when I travelled to live with her for a couple weeks near the beginning of this year. Attempting to live together was certainly not without its issues, and we ultimately decided for me to not move in. However, I am infinitely grateful that we attempted it, because I feel we both learned a lot about our needs and wants in the process.

Speaking of living together, I suppose the next person to mention would be my dearest Spowte. While I was visiting Loki at the end of January, Spowte began the Spowteathon, a streaming extravaganza that ultimately lasted almost 2 months across over 300 hours of content. It was absolutely wild. While I had occasionally watched his stream here and there, this was the first time I had actually really interacted with his content at large. Almost as a joke, I offered to help moderate for him on a temporary basis. He agreed, and I quickly found myself becoming a central pillar of his community, as other moderators began having overlapping stream schedules and other obligations. And in fact, by the time the subathon ended, he had even extended to me the privilege of being not just a moderator for his chat, but an Editor for his channel! And even though he did so not actually expecting me to actually perform any duties, I kinda took it upon myself to take it somewhat seriously.

In the last few days of February, I began actually talking to him outside of stream for the first time. We would hang out in Nest voice chat and just kinda talk about various things: the subathon, games we were playing, that sort of thing. I distinctly remember one night when he and I spent a few hours one night discussing retro games (and watching him play some!) and really hit it off -- we actually ended up both falling asleep in the call. It was the first time I had ever done so in a voice chat. But after that, we started talking more and more; we spent hours and hours every day on Discord just kinda going about our daily business independently, together. And before long, we began discussing me possibly visiting and pursing a relationship. And so, a couple weeks later, I made my decision -- I bought a ticket to fly over 2000 miles to be with him.

It's funny, really. I only expected it to be a two-week trip. I figured it was long enough for us to get a good idea of what it's like living with each other, but not so long that it would be unbearable if I got there and we didn't "click". But when I got there, I immediately felt this connection to him, this overwhelming comfort about being around this person who made me so happy. We ended up going on a few dates, and each one was better than the last. In addition, he had asked prior to my arrival if he could have some time to do streams as well, and I agreed immediately. After all, I didn't want him to sacrifice something he enjoyed. And so, I also got to experience the fun of seeing him stream in person. I knew it would be hilarious, but I wasn't sure just how important it would become to me. And for many of the viewers, the signature "Rodechi cackle" -- me laughing at his shenanigans from the bed beside his desk -- was born.

And so, as my two week excursion came to a close, I found myself wanting to stay longer. Especially since his birthday was coming up, I wanted to be there to celebrate with him. And so, I ended up cancelling my return flight, and stayed for about 2 months in total. Honestly, I would've stayed even longer, but I had business to attend to back in my hometown -- appointments to go to, bloodwork that needed doing. And I've missed being there ever since.

I cannot put into words how much I value and appreciate Spowte. I love him with all my heart, and I want us to live our best lives together. I've never been happier than when I was there with him -- waking up with him and cuddling, him cooking dinner for us, us watching King of the Hill together and unwinding before bed. Things haven't always been easy; rent is expensive and groceries can add up quite a bit. We also had drama within our families, resulting in more than a couple nights of us openly crying and struggling. But I've never once regretted my decision. And that's why when I am able to, I see myself moving back so we can continue the next step in our lives.

I've met so many wonderful people in his community these past few months. It's been such a whirlwind of appreciation, and every viewer -- every person -- has made me feel incredibly welcome, which is why I put forth as much effort as I can to make the streams I frequent a place that is just as welcoming to everyone who watches. I've enjoyed all the hours I've spent in chat, all the late nights, all the laughs, all the well-wishes, all the commiseration when things aren't going well. It honestly makes me want to cry tears of joy writing about this place that I value this much.

In addition, there's been so many amazing new people that I've met through streaming and The Nest. Previously, I gushed about Xythiel, Loki, and Cider… But since then I've grown to know so many people much more deeply. Cream, Ent, Ezra, Ica, Jame, Landie, Rook, Rrui, Same, Shadraw, Slayer, Storm, Trending… honestly, getting to know all of you has been a treasure, and I cannot wait to see where we go from here. You are my very best and dearest friends and I love each and every one of you.

The year started with me struggling to find agency in my life -- control over my own actions and the resulting consequences. As many of my friends can attest, my mother has been an overbearing presence in my life, even as an adult. For a long time, she overstepped my own personal boundaries, claiming that her own needs supersede my own. So for me, these past few months of travel, of expanding my horizons, of experiencing life beyond the walls of the only house I ever called home for 31 years… for me, these months have been invaluable. I've learned so much about life, about love, about myself. The world is sometimes scary. But knowing there's all these amazing people out there really gives me so much strength and comfort. And so I find myself hoping that the back half of 2023 is just as good, if not better.

[avianii]

OKAY STORY TIME BITCHES this is a long one so strap in

basically I dated this girl like...maybe 2 years ago now? yeah I think it's 2 years ago. and we'd been friends since like forever it's insane. like legitimately I don't remember life without knowing her.

but anyways like that summer was right after schools started opening after covid so we'd spent like the majority of the last year having 6+ hour long vcs and "Playing video games With The Boys" or watching tv shows/anime until our eyes hurt.

And it was like about this time that I had my 🏳️‍🌈✨gay awakening🏳️‍🌈✨ and was like oh shit maybe I do like women.

(beidou from genshin impact 💗💗💗)

so here I was 14-15 ish year old talking to my best friend over discord vc about everything from Apex to the best way to cook eggs and thinking damn I'd love to spend the rest of my life just talking to you. [insert the loving soliloquy of a closeted teenager too scared to ask someone out]

EVEN WORSE it was definitely reciprocated at the time like she's definitely not as chronically online and had a bit of a reputation for leaving people on read but she'd always reply to my messages suspiciously fast.

Eventually covid started to be less of a deal and we started hanging out in person more. And it was definitely the full high school crush kinda deal complete with the slightly flirty messages to the catching each other staring from time to time. and all of our friends were like. fuck, stop pining and just date already.

And god I have such a strong recollection of the way I asked her out because I fucked up so bad and she was like oh yeah definitely want this one right here. If you really wanna know basically I went to ask her out, panicked in the middle and backed out before she was like oh my god you're hopeless and asked me out instead

ok spending too much time being sappy here's the fun part :D

so here we were two idoit teenagers three ish months into dating and very deep in the closet publicly. And by all accounts everything was going good even if we weren't at the same school and only saw each other occasionally we texted constantly. honestly I'd be annoyed by myself if I could time travel like stop simping go do your homework.

Then out of nowhere she just texts me one day like "hey can we talk"

which is a thing nobody said ever when there's good news.

and so we called and she told me that she wanted to take a break. No reason other than "I don't think this is working" which I mean ????? what about this isn't working? but also I was 15 so I didn't say anything and just was like oh....ok and got promptly friendzoned

and you know what I was fine with that. honestly I'd rather have kept that 10+ year old friendship alive. And yeah I was sad for maybe like a week and then was like suck it up you'll get over it. Because honestly if she didn't want a relationship to ruin our friendship then sure I'm on board with that not everything has to be romantic

Then a month after the breakup, I hear from one of our mutual friends in Latin class of all places she's dating another one of our friends we'll just call him.... Jonathan. yeah Jonathan (absolutely not his real name lol)

Like ok. let's be real, you hear your ex is dating your friend a month after breaking up with you it's gonna piss you off. but since I'm nice like that I just texted her and was like hey are you actually dating jOnAThAn (LMAO I can't- that name is so funny to me) She said she was all yeah he's so nice and makes me happy (like I didn't??? ok man) and I didn't make a big deal about it. her business not mine

a week after that we were talking about her and another mutual friend says "oh yeah didn't they get together back in October?"

WE. WERE. STILL. FHCKING. DATING. IN OCTOBER.

alright since @agentfaust asked so nicely tonight I'm gonna rant about my ex and hope that nobody ik irl besides @sevdidntdie reads this because it's gonna get ✨personal✨