#just hated waiting around all day
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i hate having plans
and i been knew that
but having plans at the end of the day
and those being the ONLY plans of that day
somethin so aggravating bout that
i’ve just been sitting around my house all day
bouncing my leg
bc idk what to do w myself all day
like why get ready for the day when imma have to get ready at night anyways
so i’ve kinda just been laying on the floor
an anxious mess
#anxiety#waiting around#plan anxiety#i had fun though#just hated waiting around all day#sensory problems
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kyojuro corruption arc
#kny#kny fanart#mugen train#akaza#kny akaza#rengoku kyojuro#renkaza#akaren#demon slayer#demon slayer fanart#comic#kny comic#incorrect kny#nah obviously kyo would never get tired of being nice#what he DOES get tired of is expectations though!!!!!#he doesnt even realize he's tired!!!! it's just that one day it hits him that he only ever feels comfortable to be TRULY himself#around the demon that almost killed him. why? bc he lets himself be mean and ugly to akaza--why should a demon deserve his courtesy?#doesnt even realize he's baring his vulnerabilities with all the hateful emotions he directs toward akaza#and the way akaza actually reciprocates with baring his own vulnerabilities too#until one day he realizes he's *waiting* for akaza and that he'd *miss* akaza if he didnt show.#so where does that leave him but in love with a demon? 😔 ohh temptation
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#cole i saw ur reply on waiting until the bullshit around the game calms down and it stops being 'trendy' to care and i think that's a good#idea. bc a lot of the notes /were/ just about jkr and the game. there's no guarantee it'd have gotten as much support otherwise#BUT i reblogged that post on how hating nazis and supporting the jewish community are two separate statements and it's not something i had#thought a lot about. to me they should go together but it's clear they don't and so i wanted to make another one of these bitches#just so it's very clear where i stand. i dont just hate nazis - i also support the jewish community. 365 days a year#the game and all that may have made things louder - it feels necessary to be louder right now - but it doesnt make my stance new#if tumblr finds a reason to take this one down im gonna start biting#maison speaks
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inspired by elli's poll lol cause this seems fun actually but if you guys have bad answers I'll kill myself on your doorstep or smth
#“rori all of these are your faves how can there be a bad answer” well I still have an internal ranking on some of these#and if all of you pick an option that I think pales in comparison to the others. well. hm#I know what's gonna sweep though because two of these are niche as hell and 4 maybe 5 of these are things you people don't follow me for#fun fact I actually had to scrape my brain to make sure I couldn't come up with any more#I am unintentionally very picky on what is a favorite apparentlyyyy#I also just don't watch/read enough stuff these days so there's that#AND I NEED LONG TERM EXPOSURE TO KNOW THEY'RE STICKING AROUND#so like. I have some options but I don't KNOWWW if they're sticking yet#but this feels like such a small poll lmao#also no sapphics on here this is actually cause I hate women-#NO. JOKING. zelink is here. I almost put gideon and harrow but I'm in a perpetual state of not having finished tlt#and I couldn't put nebetta and darya I was drawing the line at 2 tbos ships. well. actually. changed my mind#not editing these tags actually you guys can see my thought process#WAIT AND SAYMARI. FUCK. I LITERALLY MADE A PLAYLIST FOR THEM I LOVE THEMMM#ok. is 4 tbos ships too many. hmm#I said 2 of these are niche now four of these are niche it's really the “which tbos pairing is your fave” poll#THIS POLL IS SO FUNNY IT'S SO SELF INDULGENT I HAVE TO TAKE OUT AT LEAST ONE TBOS SHIP#I should add one more general one...#cause I do actually want genuine and varied answers I gotta give y'all options so they don't all pool at the first two#I also almost put ellie and abby on here.. that would've been so funny four popular 1 rarepair 3 super niche ships#ellie and abby are soooo interesting to me though so of course the thought of them having something horrible going on together compels me#and they are one of my 3 favorited ao3 tags... they deserve a place...#ok well while I debate on that I'm putting akutagawa and atsushi on here I admittedly have only had like two months of exposure to them#but it is enough I can tell they are so crazy to me#the way my tags are just me overthinking everything on what is supposed to be a fun and silly poll... no one does it like me I'm afraid
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#vent#wow I will never be able to let myself have friends huh#I am unwanted and inherently unwantable#I have it all figured out I just can't DO anything right. why is breaking silence the hardest thing to do#I can't bring myself to make/maintain/deepen friendships bc I'm convinced that I'm unpleasant to be around and unpleasant to be friends with#my company is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy#<- completely unjustified belief. I am kind and friendly and capable of responding appropriately in the majority of social situations#they reach out and I shrink back every time. no matter how much they reach towards me I can't believe that they actually want me around#and ofc the reasonable thing for them to do is stop reaching! when I never reach back! why would they expect a different outcome this time#so I can't blame anyone. I can't sit around waiting for a saintly mindreader who can see that my actions contradict my feelings#I know I just need to reach out. but how could I do that when I'm convinced it'll only hurt them?#my presence makes their day worse. I'm a mangy dog begging for scraps I don't deserve at their table. I am harming them with my presence#how can I beg for their attention and company and time when I know their life would be better without me in it#<- false belief. when I reach out I make them feel wanted and they feel more comfortable reaching out to me when they know I like them.#everyone appreciates being reached out to. I am pleasant to be around. they like being liked by me. my company is a desirable thing#company in general is a desirable thing. my company is better than no company. people like being liked.#logically I know all this to be true. emotionally? they hate me and I deserve it and the more I show I like them the more they'll hate me#sigh. what a banal problem to have. I'll stop being 18 years old one day. I can't wait until I have better things to worry about#replies appreciated. btw. in the interest of asking for what I want instead of expecting ppl to read my mind lmao#narcissus's echoes
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okay we have officially entered the Winter Break Is Driving Me Mad zone
#djhahdjhkashdash i have sat still as in not moving as in not going anywhere as in Still for too long#but it's too cold and dark to run around or go somewhere#and everyone is conspiring against me (there is someone in every single room so i am effectively cornered)#i was not built for this i feel like i'm going to explode they should release me into the wild so that i can experience freedom before#my untimely death by nature's hand but it will be oh so beautiful it will be yuri too btw#at least during the summer i can go to parks and walk through the forests or go in the caves or something but i can do nothing#during the cold dark winter#i am trapped in this tiny house with these people and i cannot leave i am going stir-crazy and it has been exactly 5 days since#school has officially ended#mayhaps i shall test if the rock climbing gym is open during winter break#we have one at my school and technically i get free access but i never go in bc i know too many gym rats and i hate seeing ppl i know#in different locations#but damn rock climbing sounds good rn#[insert google search] noooo they're closed on the weekends for winter break noooooooo#and their hours suck noooooo#u know what i may just say fuck it and go to a park or smth we have a hilly one that i bet no-one will be at bc it's fucking cold#i am going to go mad staying here i am going to be sick#where are the beautiful trees and fresh air and sunshine where did it all go why am i stuck in this house#i have no room to move all i can do is wait for the main room to be vacated so i can have space to dance but this is not enough#i need to climb something i need to be given more space to do something but noooooo#u know what i will unbecome nocturnal just to go places during the day#i will go to the sad cold riverside park and i will run from whatever geese are still around. maybe i'll bring a dog#if i do not i am going to scratch up these walls and YES they are yellow but they are not wallpaper it is paint. if u even care
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people won't fucking FORGET me i can't handle this anymore there's always a friend who wants to go someplace a friend who needs someone to go to the store with a friend who hasn't seen me in a while who wants to hangout, and i can't let those friendships decay i just can't i can't be this kind of asshole again, but it feels so shit it feels like i can't fucking relax cuz there's always something tomorrow something next week and something to do at school between classes and holy SHIT leave me ALONE please fucking stop talking to me i just want to relax and do things i enjoy.
#part of that is of course that ''going home'' isn't relaxing it's just waiting around for the next big anxiety-inducing event#and weekends aren't relaxing either because it's just more parent time#i do think my social battery would increase a little if i ever fucking get to live alone finally#but in the meantime i'm stuck doing community service because if i don't then nobody will#i can't refuse to do something helpful or nice for people when the alternative is going to binge and hate myself in my room#i just want to be far far away so badly#then i'll have an excuse#im well and truly stuck. either i go and i have a dreadful time before during and after.#or i don't and im missing out and im an awful friend.#before you hit me w the ''you're allowed to skip on an event your friends won't hate you!!!!''#i want to skip ALL OF THEM#and friendships are watered like plants okay my friends are legitimate not being friends w somebody who never hangs out#jesus christ i want a pause button i want to be stuck in a time loop for a little while#thinking about tomorrow makes me want to rope#i can go to school 9am to 3pm. but technically there's no class.#then my friend wants to go to the night museums for her birthday#which leaves like. five hours at least in the middle. in which we'll have to hang out.#and she wants to get food.#if at any point of that i go home it's the day my mom doesn't work so. i have to spend some more incredibly unsatisfactory time with her.#god it's making me want to rope even more than usual#vent#broadcasting my misery
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📖🖊❄️
#journal dump bc i have too much on my mind#1) i HATE my neighbors. theres never one quiet moment. they stomp around and slam cabinets all the time it feels like#2) i've been reading more recently even if concentration's hard bc of noise. but i also feel like there r too many books i wanna read#but yeah. too little time. so instead i cant settle on a book and kinda dont even read as much as i want to. a stupid problem really#3) it's crazy to say but i wish i had a part time job. sitting at home 24/7 for 5/6 years has been SO terrible for me.#everything feels meaningless. every day is the exact same. im not LIVING. im rotting away and all my issues get worse. im also so fkn bored#and i dont wanna sit at home and do assignments (even if thats what i technically should be doing)#i want a job to go to which takes me away from home + gives me money#then i can come home and sit and rot and ENJOY it. bc now my lazy time is only smth negative and bad for me :/#ofc i hate the mere thought of having some soul sucking utterly pointless job and our capitalist society is a slave hellhole. but.. as it is#im not even able to enjoy ANY of my time bc all my time feels bad. plus im only getting poorer and poorer so i cant afford to buy anything#4) im so fkn bored and going crazy from eating the exact same food every single day for the third month now. im sick of it#everything tastes so bland and disgusting. it's genuinely making me depressed 😭 i wanna eat REAL food. im so tired bc no nutrition :((#i cant do anything except wait for my appt w the doctor next week and hope they put me on a waiting list for surgery.. but ong im sick of it#5) i miss my sisters :/ we live in the same apartment but its like i've completely ceased to exist to them#except when they need to be passive aggressive to me. lol. i miss them. but they just dont wanna talk to me :/#but tbh. most of all... i just want my health issue to be over so my body can function normally again.#i can face anything in life if i can come home to a cup of coffee nd some chocolate ^-^ <333
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it hit me what makes me the most miserable abt my work week is how it’s just school all over again. just hanging in there until the weekend. repeat. repeat. repeat
#5 outta 7 days im at work. 2 days of freedom#2 days to do chores n run errands n relax n sleep n draw n catch up w/ friends n go places#and if u gotta reschedule itll be weeks before ur available again#like for months now ive tried to get together w/ friends but our days off dont match n shit keeps coming up#not to mention im fucking tired! im exhausted! i want to sleep in and then draw the rest of the day!#i think the worst part is that back in school.. at least it didnt matter as much? because it all led to an end aka graduation?#like i didnt mind the wait for next weekend as much cuz it was temporary#like eventually ill graduate and then ill have freedom! (i thought? for some reason??)#but now its like.. the weeks are going by so fast this year is already almost over i turn 26 in 2 weeks#and this is.. the rest of my life? like youre kidding right? this cant be it?#i get off work n then i have to take care of the cats n chores n then eat dinner n then shower n then its late and i gotta sleep#before work the next day. i dont have time nor energy to rly do anything#and ill get that feeling of like. oh well at least it brings me closer to the next ‘weekend’#but i dont wanna live weekend to weekend#i mean im thankful to have a job n coworkers i love like i truly hate it there sometimes but i also am happy and thankful for it#but yknow.. it shouldnt have to be like this#i worded this so much better in the shower but im tired of feeling like school part 2 like what the fuck man#ive had work every single day since we came back from our trip n i just dont have time/energy for anything#i need to open commissions back up but i havent even gotten around to starting one a friend asked for#not to mention this years christmas card ive barely got the sketch done for#and again. my favourite holiday. halloween is on tuesday and while we did plan halloweeny stuff it just has not felt like halloween#i havent had any ideas/energy/time for any halloweeny art#+chores n errands etc lmao we havent even been to the grocery store yet (calling us out here)#it just. suuuuucks aaaaaass man the world is so beautiful life is a gift i dont wanna spend it like this
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I am sorry. I have so much work, and I am very pregnant so I just don't have time to respond to stuff on here as much (or draw, really.) Hoping I can get into a schedule soon which allows me to paint and chat more :(
#i have so little free time#i worked 12 hours today#im just tired#technically i could have been painting the last 2 hours of relaxation#but tbh i am falling asleep#i think it will calm down soon tho#ill do work work in the morning do a class then hopefully have enough left in me for cooking chores and painting/chatting#whew#idk how im going to do this with a kid#trying.... not to think about that actually#wait. no.#frustrating thing: there's no preschool around here for us#preschool in our area is only available if your family is extremely impoverished#there are for-profit daycares and they cost about $2000-$4000 a month#girl i cannot swing that lmao#sigh#i hate being in the US#everybody wants you to have kids but no one wants to do anything with them#like be fr rn no one has the fucking money for $2500/month childcare#im glad people way under the poverty line have good school opportunities but also.. why#the school mentioned many times that they can barely afford to stay open#man#so many people call them and are willing to pay#i understand why they must prioritize people that cant or theyd get pushed out#but theres obviously 1) not enough funding for that school 2) a real threat to lower income families to be able to get in if higher income#families decide to elbow them out and 3) not enough schools here#they are building another preschool which will be available to families who work at certain local businesses#but lmao.... get this... there are only 20 spots available for their preschool. 20. girl what. and it costs $2k/month.#my mom called me the other day after i texted about all this and said she could watch our kid. for $25/hour#feeling a bit cornered here. it's going to be a long 5 or 6 years until kindergarten
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Two hours. I got two hours of sleep. I’m so frustrated with myself.
Went to the ER. Everyone was very nice. They gave me an IV bag of fluids (I was dehydrated! Sad cactus!) and a little ativan (teeny dose), which was nice at the time! Just a little amount, but the (mostly) quiet room, fluids, and meds managed to relax me a lot. Could have fallen asleep if the bed was actually comfortable. Then they packed me up, gave me another little Ativan to take home for tonight, and said they’d contact my primary. Cool cool. Got some much needed food on the way home, then took the pill and got comfy. Again, smallest dosage they make, so no feeling too good. Managed to muscle past my anxiety to fall asleep, and… 2 hours. Woke up. Tried to go back to sleep. Too frustrated and anxious and I feel like crap. What should I do? Just eat a whole gummy and hope that knocks me out? For me, that feels like playing roulette. Could work, yeah. Could make me sleepy and pliable. Could also backfire and make me feel sick and extra anxious for another 5 or 6 hours. What do I do? Roll back up to the ER? “Hewwo, I woke up and I need more benzos 👉👈🥺” haha funny, but I’ve seriously been thinking about it 😑
God, I’m miserable. Been sitting outside on the porch for a bit. Not quite an hour. Needed to get out of the apartment, but tbh, nearly 4am outside isn’t doing much for me. I just feel alone. It wouldn’t help with sleeping, per se, but just someone, I dunno, hugging or holding me for a few minutes would honestly save me a little. What a mess. Oh yeah, and apparently my kidneys are going 👎👎👎 down. Bad meat. Not great test results. Not what I’m focusing on tonight. I’m a mess. Anyway, this was my update. Sorry for all the walls of text. Suppose this is mainly for me to look back on in the future, but can’t pretend it’s not at least a little validating to put this all out into the world and knowing that maybe one or two people read this and I didn’t suffer completely without recognition. Yeah…
#this is a lot of text#not really a casual read#ok ok… I can’t sit outside forever#gonna go back inside and I dunno make a hot chocolatey drink. grab some snacks#TRY to feel good even though I don’t#YES will probably get a little high#hoping that the combo of sugar. salt. and thc will give me the sleepy tools to just pass out for awhile#just a few more hours! please!#omg I was so pissed when I woke up and thought I’d slept for awhile but realized I hadn’t#’ what do you mean the last text I sent was only two hours ago? ‘#seriously. I thought I fell asleep around 11 pm but it was closer to 1am.#stupid sexy ativan. messing with my sense of time#it really wasn’t that big of a dose! I was basically a little buzzed for an hour or so each time#but the doctor was nice and straightforward with me. I just dunno tho. I’m a big guy with a history of anxiety. .5mg is weaksauce#god I’m getting anxious just sitting here thinking about trying to sleep again#it’s feeding on itself. I’m trying to rationalize this but it’s just this feedback loop.#is this my life now? I’m outside. I feel so alone. I feel like I could die any moment. in a sword of Damocles way. it’s there and waiting.#ok sitting outside isn’t helping#after 4am and yes I see cars driving by. I hear the occasional siren. but I still feel alone in the world#please tell me life goes on? please tell me we’re not really at the end here.#I always feel like I’m staring at our final days. that we’re all barely here. fucking ghost planet. waiting to die.#there’s war and hate and everything is expensive and I can’t.. I’m not a part of this world. I’m too poor and sickly and so it all seems…#like we’re on our last leg. like the final days of a fire sale. this body feels fit for the grave. this world is the grave.#I’m scared#ok like I said sitting out here isn’t helping. Ian. please stop.#yes. yes. ok. snacks and drinks and distracting tv. let’s try this again.#sorry this is a lot#I spent the last 20 minutes writing these tags and getting progressively more anxious 😬#you can ignore this#text
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Nope, I'm still crying
#i wish literally anybody from school remembered me#literally only 2 people i was friends with hace talked to me in the past four years#i had the realization tonight that i was never given the choice to nurture most of my friendships#everytime i tried outside of school hours including trying to join clubs my mom would make me leave halfway through then lecture me#that she didn't have time to drive to town and get me#but as soon as my brother wanted to join junior air force she suddenly had all the time and energy in the world to devote to that#so what I'm getting here is that my friendships and interests weren't important enough or worth her time#i wasn't interested in Junior air force 1 cause it wasn't offered to me and 2 I'm not a boit licker#no#i was interested in the video game and board game clubs cause my friends were in them and they WANTED me to join#but after not getting to stay for more than one full session after a month i left the board game club cause it wasn't fair to the others#and i only went to the video game clu once and i don't remember much of it cause i was too anxious that she was gonna flip on me#i kept waiting for her text but instead she showed up at the classroom and made me leave#so when the same teacher that ran the board game club asked if i wanted to join the chess club cause he knew i liked chess#i told him i couldn't cause i was too busy because i didn't want to deal with begging my mom to let me join#she would have said yes but would have continued not letting me stay and being super passive aggressive#I'm not even in the year book for the year my friends graduated#the one thing she did let me do was drama and i hated every second of it. it was genuinely a bad experience for me#yeah i had friends in drama but it's not the same as hanging with my nerdy guy friends playing a star wars ttrpg#the worst part is she gets so defensive when i bring it up and won't give me a reason outside of 'I guess I'm just the worst parent'#it's in those moments i really remember she's the youngest in her family#OH!! it gets worse! she told me when i was younger that she had to be an honorary cheer leader cause HER MOM absolutely refused to#let her join cheer and she's alsways been bitter about it but then she turns around and did basically the same thing to me ffs#at least she was allowed to hang out with people after-school i wasn't allowed to do that either#no. instead i spent the hours after shcool alone most days and my weekends home alone in my room. and she wonders why my social skills are#maybe if I'd been allowed to work on my relationships outside of a classroom i wouldn't have felt so abandoned when everyone i knew#graduated without me. maybe if i didn't have to start back at square one socially again and had people to text and hang with after class#i wouldn't have dropped out. and i think only atlas knows i dropped out. idk how to text these people without spunding like I'm looking for#sympathy when they ask what I'm up to. like yeah I'm stuck at home with an anxiety disorder and unemployed trying to get on disability#prisma vents
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God doesn't look at what's on the outside anyway
#jokes aside i am doing better now#i spent two days deconstructing exactly where all of the self hatred came from#and i mean yeah a lot of it had to do with people being incredibly mean and weird my whole life#being told there was something wrong with me or wanting me to take hormone medication#and the 2-ish years i got underweight and everyone kept saying i was a boy or tr4ns#saying i needed to identify as xyz thing because i looked a certain way. or trying to force identities on me.#people at a new church would be kind of weird around me... and i wasnt even in like full gothic attire. just a black shirt/jeans#every week i was asked if i was saved#i didnt understand why: if i was supposed to be a girl- why didnt i look like one? why wasn't i allowed to be one.#but the role the internet played was not a small one#it's absolutely messed up how much idolatry people have for physical bodies. how much value is placed on it.#treating someone like a lesser human for not looking like a stereotype#bullying CHARACTERS who LOOK LIKE YOU#absolute trash#why couldnt i just be me#ive always hated changing the way i looked for others and i still refuse to#i remarked the other day that i missed the time when i thought my androgyny was beautiful#and unique and i was carefree about it#i missed when i looked down upon appearance and thought it was worthless#then i had a *wait a second* moment#and suddenly everything else was a lie
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It's always fun realizing Oh shit I haven't eaten today. Heavy sarcasm there
#im starting to notice a pattern#i dont eat for a whole day#sometimes even 2 or 3#and then i just#wait#i wait until everyone else is in there rooms asleep#around like 12 or 2 i eat#but not even anything#sure noodles sometimes when im able to force it#but it's always small food#and i hate this#i feel weak and tired all the time#i hate this#i just want to be better#why cant i get better
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one thing i was not at all prepared for about having to go without glasses for a week is how the navigating my environment itself isn't a huge barrier--i have to be really slow and careful and it's annoying, but it hasn't actually stopped me from doing things including in the 'god this is going to be a hassle, i don't even want to start' way--but the major loss/change in sensory input as well as Oh God the HUD is Wrong is apparently a huge depression trigger. replacements cannot happen soon enough
#moogletalks#second half reminds me of when i tried contacts for a few weeks as a teenager and Dear Reader I Hated It#the contact care part aside it felt so SO bad to walk around places that aren't my bed without glasses on my face#and it turns out that feeling is the same whether i can or can't see while i'm wearing them!#i started wearing glasses full-time when i was eight and they're part of my brain and body map now#it used to throw me for a loop a lot when people talk about only wearing theirs part of the time; just because Wait but Your HUD#i thought maybe it was just a 'well i guess they must not need them as [often/heavily] as i to for daily life'#'i wouldn't be so freaked out by the idea of going about my day without mine if i weren't worried about not having them when i need them'#and tbh i think this kinda puts the kibosh on that because my vision *is* shitawful and things *are* more difficult without correction#My Life Would Not Be Unaffected on a Logistical Level#but i feel *considerably* less visceral OH SHIT FUCK THIS DERAILS EVERYTHING about it than many many many other smaller things#it's just kinda oh. well. alright then let's go#in fact i wish i could take a lot more things in stride like this one emotionally lmao#but the lack of the glasses themselves feels exactly as horribly wrong as it did over a decade ago#glasses can come with all sorts of fucking annoying problems and hassles to deal with!#but given the choice of affordable; sturdy; well-fitted glasses with the right prescription etc#i would 100% choose that over unassisted vision#including the increased peripheral vision i'd get from not wearing frames#braintag#adventures in mental illness
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ahsgsjaugejwjg
#sh/sui warning for tags#been having a shit day and just not feeling great overall and usually drinking water and eating helps but it hasnt today :/#which means its an Actual Problem this time. like i knew it was an actual problem when i fucking cut AGAIN but idk#idk man. im just so so so scared of my friends hating me#and i know i have to see my partner again bc she is the one and only person that never ever makes me feel safe and unjudged and everything#but idk. as of right now im just not havin a great time.#like its actually so stupid the things i get upset about. there was some motivational speaker at my school today and when we got called down#to go watch the presentation i had to take like five seconds to grab my bag and phone from my desk#and my two friends got up and left together without waiting for me#and i know it wasn’t their intention and they weren’t trying to be mean or anything but man. doesnt make it hurt less yk.#and i saw some post from a guy in my school of him and his friends in the cafeteria and idk why but it made me so sad. it made me think abt#one time my friends said they wanted to walk around at lunch so i was like ok i’ll eat alone that’s fine bc i’m too disabled to walk around#the school. and then someone sent me a pic of them all eating together in the cafeteria. and i know they probably just stopped there for a#second and weren’t purposely ignoring me or anything but man that did not help yk#i want to leave them alone bc they never seem to want to talk to me but im trying to tell myself its just my mind but its so hard to#and i do love my friends and im making them seem a lot worse here than they are but its just. god im so scared.#idk. i dont actually want to die but i wish i could kms like. temporarily.#i know this is bad and manipulative but i just cant shake the want to know what would happen if i did yk. and this is a terrible train of#thought but like i want my friends to realize how scared this makes me and if i have to kms to do that. idk.#ive brought it up to them before and they pretty much told me to eat with someone else and i said i didnt have any other friends and they#kind of just said not my problem. so i dont want to bring it up again bc im mature enough to deal with my own issues and shit#it’s just hard man. i dont know how im supposed to communicate w them bc everything feels like im traumadumping on them and i dont want to#bother them. im trying to convince myself its not an issue and it doesnt actually bother me but i know it does bc i just fucking relapsed#and i had a city council thing in class today and i was the only person that was denied any funding at all and i was trying not to take it#personally and i was doing pretty good but i told my mom about it and she started defending the ppl that refused me anything and then it was#suddenly personal to me for some reason. its stupid and i know that but god that doesnt make it any better#rambles#vent
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