#just like I have to pop my vitamin pills every day I have to READ MORE to STAY SANE

[stuckinapril]

I will entrench myself in literature this year no matter what the fuck it takes

[gingerbreadmonsters]

fizzing hot day!

or: he feels like seawater, drying on soft skin.

gn!reader, no content warnings, unless you count shirtless simeon (which, let's face it, we probably should). oh simeon, my sweet and tragic beloved. is this an established relationship? you’re looking at me like i have any idea. inspired by MIKA’s ‘sanremo’ and ‘tiny love’ - strongly suggest listening to those as you read! i am convinced that late afternoon on the beach in the sun is a different world altogether. simeon discovering what beach days are for in just over 1100 words.

it’s a beautiful summer’s day today, and you’ve decided to go to the beach.

you’ve been here before, so you know roughly which parts of the waterfront to head for and which to avoid. luckily, there’s only a handful of other people here today - no families with noisy children, or big get-togethers with loud music, or holidaymakers dragging huge umbrellas across the sand only to inevitably sit right in front of you.

just the occasional few people, scattered across the beach, peacefully soaking up the sun and the breeze and the quiet.

“so, how exactly does this work again?”

you get the feeling that simeon still doesn’t quite understand the purpose of sunscreen.

“but humans need sunlight to live, surely. when we’re in the devildom, you and solomon have to eat those… the little yellow marble things in the jar? why do you have to protect yourself from the sun when you eat your sunlight pills every day anyway?”

or, apparently, what your vitamin d supplements are.

(you explain it to him every time - you know by now that it doesn't work, but his concentrating-face is so adorable that you do it anyway. his big blue eyes go all wide and earnest, his lips part just slightly, and your heart goes all fluttery, every time.)

it doesn't matter. you take the bottle from his hand and squeeze a good amount into your palm. time to get to work.

"but d-aaah…"

his body is smooth and pliant under your hands, muscles relaxing into your firm touch as you rub the sunscreen into his back. you work over the crest of his shoulder blades and down to the small of his back, watching the soft, rich shimmer of his skin under the summer sun. the breeze is cool and gentle as it washes over you.

he stretches out on the sand underneath you like a cat, lithe and lean, and all of a sudden you suspect that he won't protest the next time you offer to put sunscreen on him.

"well, if you - mmm - put it that way, i can see why humans - hahhh - why humans bother with all of this."

exactly.

it takes a little while to get yourselves sorted, considering how distracting simeon's general state of undress is, but before long you're both settled under the umbrella. it's too heavy for you to normally bother bringing it, but it turns out that simeon's angelic strength is good for more than just opening jars and manhandling solomon away from the oven - who knew? it's a good thing too, what with the way the sunlight beats down over the sand, shattering over the waves.

for a little while, the world is quiet.

just you and him. the smell of salt, the crunch of sand, the rush of water. the sky is a rich and endless blue. 

you open your eyes. you're not sure when you closed them, but when you turn your head, the distant shapes of seagulls twist and scatter in the sky. from here, the water looks cool and inviting - perhaps it'll be nice to go and dip your toes in.

“mmm, that sounds good. here, let me help you up, love.”

the sand scrapes pleasantly between your toes as you walk towards the water, fingers entwined with simeon's. as you get closer, an idea pops into your head - does simeon know how cold the water is the first time? you start to run, laughing, pulling him by the hand as he stumbles along, damp sprays of sand kicking up behind you both as the balls of your feet leave clumsy divots behind you.

simeon’s laughing too now, eyes scrunched up into happy half-moons as the water comes rushing up to meet you, still running full-tilt into the surf as you brace yourself for the inevitable-

“mc, d-hahhhh!”

yep, after an hour or two spent lying under the warm sun, the water is just as coldcoldcold as you’d predicted - and, if the way that he’s clinging to your waist and shaking his head frantically in protest is any indication, much colder than simeon had been expecting.

“you’re - hahh - mc, you’re so mean to me!”

he smiles playfully into your hair as he says it, and as you chase away the goosebumps across his back with your palms, it sounds like“i love you”.

you don’t let go of each other, but somehow you drift a little further into the water until you’re up to your waist - the temperature gradually gets a little more bearable, but you still shiver into him every time a cold current sweeps past. he doesn’t seem to mind.

you don’t say anything. your mouth is too full of clouds, soft and airy and light. the seagulls cartwheel across the endless blue above you, and you think that simeon’s is too.

the hot sun makes his body feel cold against yours, as he presses his face against your neck and wraps his arms even more tightly around you. you look out at the line where the sea kisses the sky. distantly, you can hear music playing from the promenade across the seafront. all the world is made of water.

sometimes, simeon doesn’t seem very angelic at all, not to you. you know it’s silly - you know it to be true, but somehow he feels so human like this. his love, his affection. it’s so small and so human and it’s all you’ll ever want. it doesn’t feel like the beginning of the universe when you kiss his temple, and it doesn’t feel like the birth of a star when he tangles his legs with yours underwater. it doesn’t have to. you don’t want to feel anything but him .

you don’t know much about the workings of heaven, but you don’t need to. god is whatever brought him to you.

neither of you know how much time passes, out there in the waves. everything feels so far away, muted and blurry and scrambled with sun. the breeze riffling through his hair, the light glittering off the rippling waves, the press of his chest against yours - all that’s real is him and the water.

later, you’ll stumble out of the surf and back up the beach towards your things. the hot sand will stick to your wet legs and you won’t want to rub it off. you’ll ask him what flavour of ice cream he wants (he’ll say blushberry, you’ll say “they don’t have blushberries in the human world, genius”, he’ll say “oh - um, strawberry then?”), and come back with two scoops for him and two for you. it’ll be melty and sweet and better than anything. 

you kiss his shoulder, and he tastes like a mouthful of clouds. you don’t want to go anywhere, not yet. for now, the sea is enough. 

this is an original work by @gingerbreadmonsters - please do not repost or misattribute

masterlist

[studying-with-adult-adhd]

I’m so happy to have found you! I actually just got diagnosed with adult add (inattentive type). Procrastinating and finishing tasks once they get complicated has been awful for me. I’ll be starting on Vyvance tomorrow. Do you have any advice for being on this medication? I know I need to watch my bp and avoid/limit alcohol. I read that caffeine and vitamin c can also interfere with the medication too...I’d really appreciate any tips or info that you can share! Thanks 💗

Okay hi nonny! I'm sorry it took me a bit here and that you've already started your meds.

Please keep in mind I'm not a doctor and if you have any concerns about what to look for on the medication, you should speak to your medical professional and a pharmacist.

That being said, I only have to watch my blood pressure closely because I already had high BP. I am also at a higher risk for heart issues and BP issues because of my weight, diet, and family history. My dad has an enlarged heart, super high BP, and type 2 diabetes. My maternal Grandpa has high BP and had a mini stroke not too long ago. My dad is also adopted and we know nothing about his birth family or their medical history so there are lots of factors playing into it.

Unless you are at a high risk or already have issues with your BP, I wouldn't just go out and buy a BP machine. Just check it at your pharmacy once in a while and keep a journal.

As for the alcohol, it doesn't really affect the medication, however you might feel that the alcohol hits you faster. I wasn't a light weight before starting the meds, and now, I can't have one drink without feeling it.

The things about caffeine and vitamin C are bullshit. The only thing that Caffeine could possibly, is make you shaky and anxious. It's the same as usual with the caffeine. I drink energy drinks a lot and they don't interact with the medications. Again, ask your pharmacist too just to be sure!

When it comes to the vitamin C, most of the time people are talking about the citric acid in it. A lot of times, the citric acid can cancel out some medications. This is seen commonly in the birth control pills, as well as plan B.

Personally, I haven't found an issue with that yet but I also don't drink a lot of juice. I would ask your doctor or pharmacist just to be on the safe side though.

Now, where I am the highest dose is 70mg once per day. I am on 60mg once per day. I will tell you to NEVER stop this medication cold turkey. It is an amphetamine and can cause withdrawal symptoms if stopped suddenly.

As for other side effects there are a few. Some get worse with higher doses, and keep in mind that you might have a different experience than me.

For me, dry mouth is a huge thing. Drink lots of water (or liquids in general, yes even pop or coffee, not alcohol though). There is also mouthwash that you can get that helps with dry mouth if you feel it is bad enough.

Another one is the appetite suppression. Vyvanse can also be used to treat Binge Eating Disorder. I find that once my medication kicks in, I don't feel hunger. I try to eat right after I take my meds or at some point about halfway through the day. I also snack a lot. I eat when I'm bored or emotional so, for me, it's a blessing. I reccomend keeping easy snacks with you at all times. I like fruit snacks. Or nuts. Then I can just open and go, no waiting and I keep some in my bags as well as at my desk at home and in my cupboards.

I also have a hard time sleeping. I have found that if I take my meds too late, I am up forever. Try to take your meds at the same time every day, though you can change it around if need be. For instance, my psychiatrist told me that if I had school one day, which started at 4:30pm, I could take my meds at whatever time I felt it necessary to last the entire 3 hour class. Then if I had a psych appointment in the morning the next day, it was safe for me to take the meds earlier.

Vyvanse only lasts 24hours in your body. It is a medication that can be metabolised fairly quickly. You should feel almost instant effects, after giving it about an hour or so to kick in. Now, your dose might have to be changed but that's okay.

The other thing that I experience is the crash at the end of the day. I crash hard off my meds. It puts me in a bad mood and I get really emotional and tired and bitchy. I find it harder to control my emotions for at least an hour or so after I start coming down from the meds. I just like to sit and play a game or talk if needed. My boyfriend is amazing and will just kinda leave me alone once he realizes that I'm coming down.

If this is your first time taking meds for AD(H)D, don't get discouraged if it doesn't work for you. There are many different medications and even ones that aren't stimulants. Please also keep in mind that meds aren't meant to be a permanent fix. They are supposed to allow your brain to find some calm to hopefully help you be able to come up with systems and coping mechanisms that work for you. Although, if you end up being on meds for a long time, don't be ashamed about that either.

And if anyone ever tells you that you shouldn't need meds, or that the meds turn you into a zombie or zap you of your personality, hit them. Okay, don't do that but ya know. If meds do that to a person, they usually aren't working for what it is meant to.

My psychiatrist also told me that if I felt euphoric and high on these meds, that I more than likely didn't have ADHD. Again, keep a journal of symptoms and experiences you have. Even good ones! That way you can also track your progress.

Good luck my dear!

[selfmadesuperhero]

i’m very much not okay 

and i’ll probably take very long for me to explain why

i don’t know how to write this. i don’t know where to even start. i’m here because i just don’t have anywhere else to go. i can’t afford therapy. i no longer have any close friends other than Mabu (gf).

it’s getting pretty bad inside my head

i know most people’s lives are hell this year and i’m not special. i know that. to me, this year is feeling like the last nail in my coffin because 2019 had already chewed me up and spit me out. 

i kept my last job for eight years. after my first year there, another developer came in, and we became friends. we worked side by side less than 4 feet apart for six years. our hours were flexible but we always agreed upon our schedule just so work would be more bearable, because we both hated it and often had to team up against our boss’ downright abuse. it was a very small company (at its biggest we were only 7 employees). we were also going to graduate at the same time from the same school (different majors), so we had a bit of a pact to leave our shitty boss once we’d graduated and start developing our own, way less shitty games.

at the start of 2019, he got an excellent job offer. i was thrilled for him and told him to of course get out of that hellhole we hated so much, we were only there because the pay was decent and the hours were flexible so we could get our degree, you know? it stung, but i was happy for him. on the last day i gave him a ride home (which is also something i did almost daily), he surprised me by hugging me and telling me i was like a brother to him and our plans weren’t going to change. 

i believed him, and went back to work. he was soon replaced, obviously, by a junior developer because that’s how capitalism works. but suddenly, i no longer had someone to take a stand with me against my boss - there was no one left that i knew, everyone had resigned or been fired and i was the oldest employee. you’d think that’d earn me something, after eight years being dedicated to the same company, right? 

(shortly after, my grandma passed, after years and years of agonizing in a wheelchair. we lived together)

fuck that

the first months were fine. i was being the senior developer and teaching the junior constantly, so my boss stayed out of my way. but see, this is where he started to get ansty. the more the junior stopped being a junior and was actually useful for something, the more that piece of gigantic ass just started thinking only about our salaries. i started in that company in 2012 making little more than 3 bucks/hour (remember i live in a third world country, but it was still specialized work), but by 2019, my salary was pretty much double of what the junior was making, and every penny extra i got during those years was a CONQUEST. i also worked six hours while he worked eight, so.

my boss basically started treating me even more like shit. he wasn’t nice to be around before, but he was bearable in small amounts. suddenly it was obvious to everyone that he was really fixating on me and my performance, and to me it was obvious he just wanted me to walk away too so he could replace me with TWO junior developers instead of just one measly charlie. 

then, the nationals elections began. oh boy.

this probably wouldn’t read as news to anyone, but i’m a huge leftie, obviously. if you’re at all interested in politics, read about what socialist policies have done for uruguay during the past 15 years and how they turned us into AT LEAST a developing country, but i digress. 

the people that sat in my office even shared my political views or whatever, but my boss is actually part of the conservative party and started actively campaigning. every time something involving politics happened, he made a point to come barging in the office and telling me and specifically me about it like i was personally running against his party. i actually recorded him once to have proof of him at least screaming at me, so i could check if i was crazy for thinking he had something against me. he frequently called me communist and just mocked my views. if you’re wondering, yes, this is illegal, but nothing happened. 

then, two big things happened at once: we lost the election, and my recently adopted puppy was diagnosed with distemper. yes, it happened on the same that and it’s a day i’ll never forget. 

my girlfriend and i had talked about getting a puppy once we moved in together. we’d named him like two years before it actually happened. we moved in together on may 2019 and on september i found the most precious boy for adoption on facebook and i was innocently all like “oh i’ve had to put rescue dogs for adoption before, let’s give back!”. 

on october 27th, he had a seizure and the vet told us it was likely we’d have to put him down because only 20% of dogs survived, and it was even less for puppies. 

when i went to work, i had to put up with my boss laughing and mocking me for winning the election “against me”. i guess i missed my running for anything?

this post is already too long for me to get into details about my dog’s disease. for months, every day we looked after him constantly. i read everything there was to BE READ about distemper online, spent thousands of pesos on medicine and treatments just in case he had a chance. good news is he did! this is the only positive note in this post. 

it still wasn’t easy. he made us cry at least three times a day. we really thought he was dying, and we’d made the mistake of naming him 2 years before he was even born. we’d taken PERFECT care of him while he was unvaccinated, but the vet told us it was most likely he was already infected before he came home to us. i’d never seen such a small puppy so sick. he hallucinated constantly. if you don’t know, distemper is a neuro/digestive/skin/bone/HELL disease that’s really nasty. he’d have seizures almost daily and poop and pee himself. he stopped being able to control his body other than his two front legs, which he didn’t even have full control of. when he stopped being able to walk, he started crying constantly, it really tore the heart out of my chest

we called another vet, a dog physical therapist, so she’d tell us how we could help him. she told us to make him stand as long as possible, so every time he had a meal, i’d bend down with him and hold his hips - so he’d be able to stand, and slowly gain back some muscle mobility. every day we massaged his legs and flexed his joints, even his tiny toes, so he’d avoid atrophy. and we did it!! as i’m writing this, he’s one year old now, he’s no longer sick even if he’ll carry with him plenty of lifelong sequels, and he walks and runs and barks like the best of them ♥ i wasn’t going to plug anything but if you wanna see his progress, it’s on instagram @hamiltonthefighter

okay, i guess i ended up talking at length about his disease in the end, sorry. his walking again had a price to pay for me: my own back. for two or three months i was bent over this dog, you know? i still can’t get out of bed without help sometimes lol around december it got really bad but i just kept popping pills because joy oh joy, i was doing my thesis and i didn’t really have time or money for anything else. my job was basically paying for our rent, my university classes including the thesis course which was ridiculously expensive, and our dog had given me credit card debt out of desperation (we even had to buy those rubber things used for yoga to place on our floors so he’d have something to use his nails against instead of constantly slipping on the floor, we tried every medication that might help, we gave him CBD oils, all kinds of vitamins, constant vet visits where during the first two weeks he got like three different shots every day, etc)

i’m rambling, and i’m sorry, but i don’t really think anyone will read this. i started this post crying my eyes out and writing about my dog at least has been calming, because even if he’s a drooling mess now, he’s still the same he ever was and i love him very much and he’s sleeping soundly next to me and he’s finally close to fine. 

remember the friend i talked about like half an hour ago? the one that worked with me for six years? nothing changed between us during the first months. for my thesis, i was going to develop a videogame with Mabu, but we were allowed to have external coding help because it was about GameDev, not the actual coding. i knew how to code, obviously, but Nico (the friend, guess we’ll give him a name) was also part of our project so he was gonna help us code so i had more time to focus on art and 3D modelling. the idea was kill two birds with one stone, make something we all liked, mabu and I were going to graduate with it and then we’d keep working on it during 2020 as we’d always always talked about.

by december, even if nico and i still talked regularly, i could tell he had just moved on with his life. he’d said he’d help us, but he was doing his own thesis, so i told him not to worry at that time, our final due date was in february. he asked us to forgive him during december and promised us he’d come back in january to DEVOTE himself to the project. i started coding the project besides working on the art and i was thankfully able to meet all the deadlines, so it was really fine, of course i understood where he was coming from. 

then, on january 7th, Mabu’s grandma passed away. she was scheduled for a heart surgery that supposedly only had 1% risk, and she passed on the table because of a doctor’s mistake. the surgery was here in the capital, but Mabu’s family lives five hours away. she comes from a very big, very loving family, and her grandma (being the mother of five children) was very much the center of it. i also loved her. she’d replaced my grandma the second she passed and every time i saw her she hugged me like i was a lost grandson. 

when my girlfriend called me during her surgery, i immediately left work because i just knew she would be crying if things were okay. this was a nightmare come alive for a family of 20+ people, and most of them were 5 hours away from their own house. my mother in law was (and still is) devastated by the lost of her mother because she was the one to encourage the surgery and she still thinks she killed her. i drove my her, my girlfriend, her sister and her sister’s boyfriend on my mother’s in law van for five hours while they all cried or slept and i had to really, really pinch myself because i was EXHAUSTED but what else could i do? 

logically i missed work the next day. LOGICALLY. i had the service to attend and i was 5 hours away from the office and i didn’t even have my own car with me. i told my boss to discount the day, since i wasn’t entitled to the mourning day by law because it wasn’t my grandma. he didn’t even reply - he almost never talked to me by this point unless it was to berate me for something. i went back to work the day after the service.

now, remember we were doing our thesis and it was due in february? it really wasn’t great timing for anyone to die, but i was trusting Nico’s promise that he’d have more free time and he’d make up for not helping us code sooner. i told him the news about Mabu’s grandma, and then basically had to tell him to say something to her for her loss because he was supposed to be her friend, what the fuck, why aren’t you at least sending her a text.

let’s just say, january wasn’t a great month for Mabu and myself. two weeks after the passing, we still hadn’t had news from Nico. Mabu didn’t even have time to properly mourn because we had to turn our thesis in like, little over a month. i wrote to nico just downright ASKING if he was gonna be able to help us or WHAT, to which he said to me...

he’d never promised anything because he was really busy with his own stuff and he didn’t want to bring it up sooner because he knew Mabu was mourning and things were hard for us at the moment? 

like that’s great pal, thanks for telling me at the last POSSIBLE second you were just dropping out altogether, what the actual fuck? it still baffles me that someone can be so thick headed, but he kept saying he had made no promises and both Mabu and I knew that was a lie and i honestly just couldn’t deal with someone so selfish he couldn’t at least give a heads up sooner

the icing on the cake during the beginning of this year is someone i haven’t even mentined: MY PIECE OF SHIT BROTHER. talking about him may deserve another post, because this is already so long and convoluted and i haven’t even talked about his involvement in my misery during 2019-2020. i’ll try to make the story short if anyone’s still reading this far: 

a lot of years ago, our maternal grandmother moved to uruguay from russia and bought a tiny shitty house here next to my mother’s. my mother still hasn’t talked to me since 2013 because i’m trans, but that’s neither here nor there. i tried to keep in touch with my brother (we don’t share dads so he was no relation with my side of the family), and around 2017 i finally succeeded in making friends with him. or so i thought, clearly. 

that grandmother passed... sometime. i don’t really know because they cut me off. she didn’t speak to me either, she was literally a crazy old nasty woman and i didn’t even care when i heard she’d died, to be honest. she was such a nasty woman, she’d put her tiny shitty house to my and my brother’s name just to keep her own daughter out of the inheritance when she bought it. 

that also meant i was inheriting something for the first time ever, even if it was shitty. BUT my brother had his own fake grandma (the woman who looked after him his whole life instead of our mother) who was very old and frail and asked me if he could house her there. i said yes because again, i didn’t give a shit about the inheritance or the house or anything regarding my mother’s side of the family (other than him obviously), so for years this woman occupied the house. my brother basically took all existing furniture and appliances because he was moving in with a girlfriend and i even loaded up my shitty car with his stuff. all i wanted to inherit was the couch set, which had come all the way from russia and everyone had promised me since i was a wee lad, but he started whining about his fake-grandma not having a living room set and nowhere to sit and i didn’t even live by myself yet so i let them have the fucking couches, too. 

oh boy this is already too long but now i’m too lazy to make a separate post

anyway, sometime during 2019, the woman moved out to an old folks home because she could no longer take care of herself. i immediately asked about the couch set with hope in my heart that it could finally be mine, but my brother told me our mother didn’t want me to have it. 

he wanted to rent the house to make a profit, which sounded good to me because of that dog related credit card debt i talked about. and here’s where you might think i’m not that there in the head, but all my life i didn’t want anything to do with that house until my mother was in the ground - not out of hate but because i thought it was a shitty thing her own mother had done to her, and the inheritance should have been hers. she doesn’t have a degree or a stable job because she’s a russian translator so hey, whatever, they needed it more than i did. but then my brother starting getting ideas about improving the house so we’d make more money, and how we should do it together, and... i think i might have mentioned already why i didn’t exactly have time to redo a house? i was doing my thesis? about to graduate? my boss was constantly on my case? my dog was about to die? 

i helped as much as i could at first, but then december came, and then january, and my brother just kept nagging me about the house like i was purposefuly sitting on my ass doing nothing, because oh every day it’s not rented it’s money lost. no amount of explaining how stretched thin i was seemed to suffice, not even when mabu’s grandma died and nico left us hanging with the thesis and i had less than a month left to code the whole project by myself while ALSO taking care of the art. 

by the end of january, i was so stressed, i called a doctor after a panic attack. he gave me a weeks rest because of my back, because i wasn’t even able to get up without help at that time. it wasn’t much of a rest because i still used that time to sit at the computer and code 15 hours a day at LEAST, but hey. 

it was the first time in 8 years i’d taken medical leave of ANY kind. i didn’t even get medical leave when i got my chest surgery. it happened on a friday and i was back to work the next monday. i’d never skipped more than 2 days of work at best when i had a bad case of the flu or something, but that was it. 

when i went back to work, my boss immediatelly called me to his office. he started berating me about my performance again, bringing graphs comparing the amount of lines of code i’d written next to my coworkers. i didn’t mention this, but the graphic designer had also quit during 2019, so i was also covering that workload and no, that didn’t exactly translate to lines of code. i also had to spend HOURS every day tutoring the junior because he was too much of a cheap shit (didn’t use those words) to hire an experienced developer. i’d even WORKED AS A GRAPHIC DESIGNER FOR MEDIA CONTENT FOR HIS POLITICAL CAREER, EVEN IF IT WAS AGAINST MY BELIEFS AND NOT AT ALL RELATED TO MY JOB. he denied everything. EVERYTHING. he stuck to the narrative that i was just lazy and the proof was i’d just taken AN ENTIRE WEEK because “my back just hurt a little” and i had the audacity to skip work for someone else’s grandmother dying

i’m not exaggerating, i swear to anyone who might be reading this. that day was brutal and i’m still not over it half a year later, i don’t care if that makes me sound like a wuss. i worked eight years of my life in this fucking place. 

this argument lasted for hours, but i kept my head down because i couldn’t afford to lose the job, specially not then. i even apologized for any loss in performance and tried to explain my point of view and what i was going through (which i’d already done to another superior weeks ago anyway). but just when i thought i’d MAYBE be able to keep my head above water, he told me he was denying my the request i’d made to take two weeks of holiday days before the thesis final due date. 

i had already explained everything to him. everything, even nico dropping the team and my having to do everything by myself. i broke down and i told him he was forcing me to leave my job, i’d just have been certified by a doctor and i was asking for leave for SCHOOL (all things that are protected by law here), but he just kept repeating i could either walk away from my job or show up during those two weeks. he just wanted me gone, but he couldn’t fire me right away without having to pay me THOUSANDS because of my seniority (by law). he knew what he was doing to me and he didn’t care about it. he didn’t even let me TOUCH MY COMPUTER, he told me he wasn’t the one pushing me away, that i was doing this to myself, and he’d ask for a lawyer to check my computer for any “inconsistencies in my activity”, even. i really have a hard time just thinking about that day and how utterly humilliating it was. i lost a lot of personal files, because i sat at that desk for eight years and of course i had personal files because sometimes i stayed after hours before going to class. 

imagine for a second a sixty year old man, rich as shit, political candidate, standing in front of a computer, disconnecting the mouse and keyboard so i couldn’t touch it, yelling at me i was doing this to myself and i was losing my job because i had the audacity to ask for two weeks leave to finish my fucking school thesis. 

and yeah, i lawyered up. i didn’t have actual money to AFFORD a lawyer, but mabu’s cousin’s girlfriend was a lawyer and lived one block away and i immediatelly told her everything there was to tell. she brought me to the firm she worked in and they guaranteed me i had a pretty strong case and i was at least gonna be able to walk away with something.

that put things in hold for a while because the “trial” or whatever wasn’t gonna be held until after the thesis, so i tried to forget about it. my boss even owed me my untaken paid vacation days, which i told the lawyers because i was pretty sure he’d just forgot, but i wanted to know if it made a better case against him. they agreed, and i left it at that. 

but you know who was still making my life miserable even when february began and i had less than three weeks to finish our project right? MY SWEET BABY BRO. he was constantly nagging me about having to do all the work himself, like I’D ASKED ANYTHING FROM THAT HOUSE TO BEGIN WITH. but see, the nastier he started getting, the more apparent his lies began to appear. he got nasty to the level where ON THE DAY I WAS TURNING THE PROJECT IN he kept calling me demanding MONEY for stuff he’d paid for the house without checking in with me. i was honestly baffled by his level of selfishness, i was already sleeping three hours a day tops and he expected me to what, paint walls? he was FIERCELY against having to wait for my project to be done even if it was two weeks away and he was asking and asking for money when i’d just told him i’d lost my job without a penny to show for it. nice guy, really. 

suddenly, the following lies became clear: 

 my mother didn’t care if i took the couch set, he told me that because he was moving again and he was planning on taking the couches himself. (he ended up doing just so, too). he lied to me with the thing that hurts me most in the world: my mother hating me. he had even made a joke about it, because my mother had bought a new couch not long ago, and he didn’t “get” why she “didn’t want me to have anything”

 years ago he’d told me he had refinanced a tax debt the house had, and i gave him money for it. now that the house was about to be put up for rent, he pretended that had never happened and suddenly started talking about how we needed to take care of that

 he wasn’t planning on splitting the rent three ways between him, our mother and i. he was gonna keep two thirds, and i later even found out my own mother had given him the idea. 

 then poor mabu confessed to me once, two years ago, she’d wore a skirt one time visiting my brother and his then girlfriend, and he had told her nasty stuff to her year upon saying goodbye and she had never said anything because didn’t want to hurt our sibling relationship 

talk about final nail huh? 

i confronted him and he denied everything, obviously, he instantly played the victim card, how dare i think that way about him, how dare i break his dreams of reuniting the family again. he said things to me i’ll also never forget like, apparently, it shows that i’m a shit person because i have no friends and no one wants me around, unlike him that has so many. he told me i thought the world owed me when i was shit and i believed anything anyone told me before believing him. no one told me any of his lies, i caught them all by myself, but whatever. he cursed me and told me he never wanted anything to do with me because i was rotten and i only cared about money and i was so so selfish. this must have been around march and i still don’t know anything from him, or care.

what do i have to do for that side of the family to leave me alone, i wonder? all i ever wanted to do was be his friend

the “trial” against my boss came and suddenly every lawyer that worked at that firm was taking a fucking holiday except for the one that was supposedly leading my case - except suddenly, i didn’t have much of a case at all. i walked away with less than 2 thousand dollars and that was WITH the vacation days i hadn’t taken. the agreement was the lawyers were gonna keep 25% of however much i made but THAT vacation money wasn’t supposed to count because it didn’t come out of the “trial” thing, you know? 

well, it did. the lawyer screwed me over too. but hey, at least he’d gotten me unemployment for a couple of months (you only apply for unemployment if you’re fired, not if you walk away from a job, and my having been fired or not was what was being contested), i still tried to be optimistic, i had a few months to figure things out while i looked for another job, and at least i was able to finish paying for school with that money.

yeah, this was late february, beginning of march. joke’s on me for being optimistic at all

my own brother plotting with my own mother against me has done a number for my mental health. i already had baggage aplenty, like every trans dude or girl whose parents would rather see them dead than be a dyke/fag (my mother’s own words, ladies and gents)

my boss of eight years kicking me to the curve at the worst moment in my life in the most humilliating of ways while blaming me for it has left me feeling so worthless to people in general. i’m getting better with time, i think, but i’m still all not there. i have a really hard time thinking my work is worth anything at all.

i keep thinking my brother was right, and i’m a shitty friend, and i don’t deserve anyone around. my only real friend at the moment is my girlfriend, which makes it really hard to have any arguments because i start feeling like my life is ending because she’s pretty much all i have left and she’s the most important thing in the world to me because i wouldn’t have survived all this shit i’m writing without her by my side. i would walk to hell and back for her. but nico also left me behind without a second thought, after telling me i was like a brother to him, no matter how many times i invited him to hang out or anything to keep in touch. i’ve been a shitty friend to a lot of people, but not him, and he still didn’t care about me at all, so i just stopped trying. 

but now social distancing has got me all fucked up. i can’t trust people. i can’t go outside. everything is scary to me, i have at least two or three panic attacks per WEEK and they get nastier and longer every time. i know i need help, but i can’t even afford rent, let alone therapy. Uruguay has the worst unemployment rates since 2006 now thanks to our baby-Trump right now. i look for jobs daily even if the notion of having a job even SIMILAR to the one i had before gives me the shakes. programming isn’t as hard as some people may think, but the workplaces are usually VERY toxic because you’re valued by the amount of lines of code you write, and i’m so so tired. i’m still looking because I NEED. TO. PAY. RENT. but not because it’s something i want in life, at all. i’d much rather be poor and just do freelance work instead, but i’m failing.

i thank the people that have helped me or commissioned me these past few months from the bottom of my heart. i’m sorry i’m not more active, i’m sorry i’m still rusty and can’t draw faster, i’m sorry i sometimes spend half a day crying my eyes out because i just don’t know how to move forward. i have a week left, i still haven’t made enough for rent, let alone the bills or food. mabu used to get plenty of art commissions on etsy, but she hasn’t sold anything since march either and she’s younger than me so our financial struggles have an even deeper impact on her

i’m just so, so tired. i’m lucky to have mabu, and that is about it. i honestly don’t think i could have survived this year without her. for months the future has looked like a black screen to me. i can’t even trust the vegetable market in front of my fucking house because some piece of shit spread the rumor that i’m trans and now i can’t even open the door to my front house without getting stares sometimes, it’s ridiculous. i wish i could trust more than one person in the world so that everything wasn’t on her shoulders.

i’m not okay. we’re not okay.

that’s about it. i’m sorry i can’t end this on a more positive note. at least we graduated with an excellent score. not that we had a graduation, obviously. thanks corona.

thank you for reading if you read this far ♥

[justsassysworld]

Five Demons and a Baby Part 3

Five Demons Part 3

Word Count: 1683

The Conglomerate x Fem!reader

Shuddering in nothing like fear, you allow them to show you back to your seat. Instead of letting you sit on your own, Gio waits for Scarabee to settle back in before handing you off. This time he pulls you onto his lap instead of right next to him.

Zhuk sits next to the two of you as the rest choose their spots. Once everyone's settled, Bee turns you to face the group, your back to his chest, your ass cradling his dick.

With all their attention turned to you, you figure they are waiting for you to say something but that is so not happening.

"Shy, chaton," Scarabee whispers against your ear, obviously enjoying your squirming. "But you were so vocal a minute ago."

You turn your head to glare at him, and he just laughs, with some of the others joining in. Pouting, you spin back and let out a sign. "I'm sorry for the snark, but you guys need to understand, I'm a bit of a sardonic asshole. It's not in my nature to play doormat, and it's not a role I'll ever willingly take."

Taking your hand, Zhuk draws your attention. "That is not our intention, zaika. No self respecting man wants a doormat, but we are all dominant men in our own rights, and we will not allow one of our own to come to harm."

"But-"

Gio interrupts you, "Make no mistake, topolina, you are ours, if not as a partner, as a member of the family."

A special warmth spreads through your chest. These men are trusting you, a person they don't know, a person who could be lying about the paternity, but they never doubted you. You were truly starting to believe the rumors of their evilness was drastically exaggerated.

"Thank you for saying that," you say after taking a moment to compose yourself. "What exactly do you mean by wooing? Will they just be dates? Sex? I need to know what to expect."

Chuckles surround you, Scarabee's rumbling against your backs; it would seem they weren't expecting such a blunt question.

"Oh gatita," Bajo sighs, "I for one must say how much I love your forthright nature."

Scarabee lets out a growl and you're confused until he bites out, "She is not your gatita, she is my chaton, pick something else."

"Seriously, amigo?" the Spaniard complains. "What can I call her then?"

"Not mouse.

"Not bunny." Zhuk and Gio say at the same time, making you roll your eyes.

"Fine, is paloma acceptable?" he asks, mainly to Cia.

"Don't fret, a chroi," Cia replies, sending him a wink. "I haven't yet thought of my name for our bonnie less."

Part of you wonders why they can't just call you by your name, while another loves how you feel when they use those pet names. Still, you need answers.

"Now that we have that sorted, could you please answer my question?" you cajole.

"Which one? About the dates or about sex?" Cia smirks. "If ya need a lesson in sex, I'll gladly volunteer, but considering your condition, I'm not sure how much I can teach ya." Yours are not the only eyes rolling.

Before any more jokes can be bandied around, Zhuk draws your attention, "Zaika, we are trying to woo you, you will decide what will happen, sex or no sex."

"I know what I'm voting for," Bajo murmurs, sending you a heated look.

"Now, if that's settled," Gio draws your attention by standing. "I need to get her vitamins ready, she needs to eat, and someone needs to help get her settled."

Seeming to agree, the others stand, even Scarabee, with you in his arms. You squirm to be let down, but he pays you no mind.

Gio quickly exits, but none of the others make a move, not even the man who still isn't letting you down. They start walking and speaking in some language you don't understand. Giving up on escape, you content yourself with mapping out this place, if the need for escape should arise. Of course all the damn doors are closed so you can't actually take stock of the rooms around you.

Huffing out a disappointed sigh, you pout from the cradle of the Cajuns arms, wanting to get where ever you're going so you can get some control back, or at least the option of moving on your own.

Finally you enter a new space, but it's not what you were expecting. It's far from the simple sleeping space you'd envisioned. The scene from the second Princess Diaries movie pops into your mind. Quite honestly, this suite is bigger than your apartment. Your mind is having issues comprehending how the luxury of the space is mixing with your stuff. Simple earth tones counter rich woods, while your more bright colors manage to blend without clashing too much.

Bajo and Cia make their way to the kitchenette, while Zhuk peruses your humble library, and Scarabee settles onto an over stuffed sofa, you in his lap. You watch how the others move about the space, trying to learn what you can about the mixed group without asking any questions.

The pair in the kitchen seem to dance as they work, letting you see their love; they flirt with their smiles, call each other ridiculously cute nick names, and even kiss once or twice. You catch the burly Russian casting longing glances their way, though you can't tell if it's because he wants to join them, or he just wants what they have. When he's not peering at them, he's checking out your small movie collection, obviously caught of guard by some of your selections.

"Well, cher," Scarabee suddenly whispers against your ear. "Ya learnin' anythin'?"

Biting your lip at getting caught, you turn your head slightly to see him. "Maybe, a little."

"Ah, don't leave me in suspense, tell me, mon petite chaton," he demands against your flesh.

"Well," you hedge, wanting time to fight your body's reaction, not that it'll do you any good with their sense of smell. "While you all seem very close, may haps even sexually, Cia and Bajo seem extra close. I'd even say they look like they're in love. I would say Zhuk is the quietest of you, and while some might think it would suggest a more submissive nature, I get the feeling he has more dominance in his little finger then a lot of doms have in their whole body, there's also a loneliness in his eyes. You and Gio seem to be cut from the same cloth, but he's got something hiding beneath the surface. I can't tell what's different between the two of you, but I think you are a bit extroverted to his introvert."

Looking into his eyes, you add, "Your power seems to surround you, where his comes from inside."

His gaze bores into you for a good while and you realize you don't hear anything coming from the rest of the room. Checking the others, you see they are also staring at you.

"What?" you ask, turning back to Scarabee. His palm cups your cheek as he stares at you in wonder.

"Cher, you surprise me," he whispers, drawing you in for a quick kiss.

"How?" Zhuk asks from behind you. You look behind you and see all of them, even Gio, who is standing in the doorway, watching you in shocked amazement.

Fear has you frozen. There is absolutely no way you're going to tell them the truth, that you've read so much fan fiction you've gotten really good at reading people. Nope, that's not something you'll ever admit to. "Uhh," you stall. "I read."

Before they can question you further, you ask, "What's for lunch?"

You get some glares, but Cia is smiling while he brings you a bowl of simple chicken noodle soup. Scarabee carries you to the table, setting you in one of the chairs. Gio hands you a couple of pills as Bajo sets down a glass of water. They each take a seat as the rest of the food is served.

Looking at the pills, you ask," Gio, are these prescription prenatals?"

"Yes, topolina," he replies, taking a bite of his soup.

"How?" confusion stains your voice. "There's no way you could get a prescription this fast."

He flashes you a cocky grin. "Is that so?"

You're about to snap back when strong hands trail down your arms, moving you hands to the table. "Please, a chuid, eat."

Biting your lip, you look up to see Cia staring down at you, concern and kindness swimming in the depths of his eyes. Not wanting to disappoint him, you quickly take a bite of the surprisingly delicious soup before swallowing your pills. Smiling, he moves to his own seat and starts eating.

The sounds of people eating fills the space until Zhuk says, "So, zaika, tell us all about you."

You do just that with a smile, answering every question they send your way. Favorite color, book, movie, and television show, your childhood, family and friends, and all of your dreams, you answer it all, but get very little info in return.

Finally tiring of the sound of your own voice, you ask, "Haven't you heard enough? When do I get to learn more abut you?"

Chuckles are your answer. "My dear, Zaika, we will each tell you all you wish to know, and more, in turn. I will be taking my day with you tomorrow, Gio will follow me, Bajo and Cia will share their days, and Bee will finish us up. Will this work for you?"

Mulling it over, you smile and nod. "Yes, I think I can live with that."

Various pleased looks answer, before the questions begin again. You're tempted to roll your eyes, but there is something so damn sweet about the curiosity of these mysterious men. As much as you don't understand how they can still have things to ask, you guess you'll have just as many when your turn rolls around.

@doyahearthatsound-after-dark,  @1-rosewiththorns

[alice1290]

Read All About It - Ch. 20 Snippet

It’s another snippet from Chapter 20, but really, this chapter has some of my favorite scenes in it. This one being one of them!! 

~~~~

Ashina rolled over with a groan. It was if she could feel each sway of the ship with every wave that beat against them. What was normally a relaxing rocking, was currently nauseating. It wasn’t the first morning that she felt like this. She stretched, pointing her toes and reaching her hands up in the air before she relaxed into the soft bed, trying to fight back the urge to vomit.

Ace was still on his mission. He was due to return in a few days, rounding out the estimated two-week adventure, and she missed his warmth and heavy bulk of his body in the bed. As another wave of nausea rolled over her, she was silently thankful for the current lack of extra heat he gave off.

Ashina slid out of bed and made her way carefully into the bathroom to splash some water on her face. It was still dark outside, the cabin barely lit with strands of moonlight coming through the window. Ashina turned on the sink faucet and splashed cold water on her face. She cut the water off and leaned against the sink, holding onto the edge for support.

When she felt like she had her balance once more, Ashina returned to the bed. She had a fitful hour or two of sleep before she gave up and dressed for the day. She made her way to the kitchens, joining the few crew that were already milling about, beginning the tasks to start the day of cooking and feeding the crew.

The smell of the baking bread smacked her in the face and Ashina turned to the nearest trash can to empty the contents of her stomach.

“Woah!” Thatch exclaimed coming over to give her a cautious glance. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I don’t know. The smell hit me all of a sudden. I didn’t feel great last night either. It comes and goes.”

“No, you go. Out of the kitchen. You get the day off from this job. Take care of the Commander’s hallway and whatever else you do during the day, but stay out of the kitchen.”

“Thatch I don’t think I’m sick. I don’t have a fever, no aches or pains, I just got… seasick.”

“Seasick?” He scoffed. “You’ve been sailing for over a year now. No way. Go, it’s fine Ashina. I’ll handle the kitchen.”

Ashina sighed and gave up the fight, leaving the kitchen. The fresh air felt good on her face as she stepped out onto the deck. Deuce was at the rail on the starboard side, so she crossed the ship to stand with him.

“Morning. You look pale.”

“Good morning to you too, and thanks? I don’t feel so great.”

“I can see that.” Deuce pressed the back of his hand to her forehead. “You’re not warm.”

A wave of nausea washed over her again and she dropped her head to rest on the smooth wood of the railing. She groaned softly. “This sucks.”

“Yoi, what’s wrong with you?” Marco asked, coming up behind Deuce and Ashina.

“The Missus doesn’t feel good. I think she’s getting sick.”

“M’not.” The words were muffled by her folded arms.

Marco raised a brow, studying Ashina, who eventually looked up and over her shoulder at him.

“What?”

“Come on. I want to run some tests, make sure you aren’t catching a virus.”

Ashina groaned, but followed Marco to his office that was connected to the medical room. Ashina plopped down in one of the chairs and leaned back, crossing her arms over her stomach and closing her eyes. She was tired. She was sick to her stomach. She missed Ace.

“How long have you been feeling nauseous?” Marco asked, leaning against his desk and crossing his arms over his chest, studying her.

“Every now and then for about a week now.”

“Sleeping well?”

“I’ve been having weird dreams. Thought it was just because Ace is gone, but I’m tired all the time too, even when I do manage to sleep well.”

Marco hummed. “When was your last menstrual cycle?”

Ashina’s eyes snapped open and she raised her head to stare at Marco. “No. What?”

“When was your last menstrual cycle?”

“I… um, two, no three… not last month…” Ashina sucked in a sharp breath, wide eyes looking up at him. “Marco, no. No, no, no, no, no. I take that little pill every single night, right after dinner. I never miss a night. We can’t. I can’t. Fuck, Marco.”

“Let me take a blood sample and we’ll find out for sure,” he said calmly, shoving off the desk and moving to collect the needed supplies.

Ashina frowned and whined, “I don’t like needles.”

“You have a tattoo, yoi.”

“That’s different. Ugh, fine. Just do it quickly.” Ashina turned her arm palm side up and rested it on the arm of the chair. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes again.

“Marco,” she whispered, as he drew the blood. “What am I going to do if it’s positive?”

Her eyes opened to meet his blue ones when he remained silent. He finished his task and then crossed the room, going through the swinging door and into the lab.

He came back a few minutes later and sat beside her. Turning his head to look at her, he answered her question that had been left hanging, “We’ll think of what to do after we know for sure.”

“How long will that take?”

“About five more minutes.” Marco was silent for a moment before he reached over to clamp a hand gently on her shoulder. “No matter what, it’s going to be okay.”

Marco didn’t know. He didn’t know how much Ace still hated his father, hated his lineage. How would he feel to pass it on? The Gol D bloodline. He proclaimed himself Portgas, but his father’s legacy would haunt him until he could one day overcome it, if that day ever came. He loved her though, and she loved him. Ace was not his father. She remembered how he was with Tama, how fondly he talked of Luffy and Sabo, his brothers. He teased and played with Tenshin and Yukichi, but also scolded them and reminded them to use their manners. Ace would be a good father. Ace was everything she never knew she dreamed of in a man, until she stumbled upon him on an island in Paradise. After that fateful day, she never wanted to leave his side.

She was young, too young to start a family, but she couldn’t control fate. Her father and mother were young when she was born. Ace’s parents had been older, or at least Roger had, she was unsure of Rouge’s age. Ashina felt the wave of nausea roll over her again at the thought of her father. How the hell would she tell him about a baby?

How was she going to tell Ace? Marco’s question sparked a thousand others to race through her brain. Would Pops ground her? Would she be confined to an island? Would Ace stay with her? She would not want him to. She did not want to be separated, but if it came down to it, she would send him off to the sea with the crew. He had a dream, he still had a goal to be a great pirate, and this would not hold him back. She would not let a family do that to him. She wanted a family with him, imagined children of their own, but she dreamed of having them in the future. A baby now… Ashina wasn’t sure what she was going to do.

Marco stood and Ashina sat up, watching as he retreated into the lab. She was anxious, and her leg bounced nervously in anticipation. Marco returned and gave her a smile. “Congratulations, Ashina. You’re roughly two months pregnant.”

“How?” she breathed out. “Marco! You told me the pill would be ninety-nine percent effective!”

“Yoi, don’t shout. You may be the one percent. Nothing is a guarantee, but it works for most people, most women.”

“But it didn’t work,” she snapped.

“Sometimes it’s from getting sick, changes in other medication, if you forget to take the pi-”

“I didn’t forget,” she hissed. “You know I haven’t been sick, nor have there been any medical changes. Marco wh–”

Marco yanked her out of the chair and pulled her into his chest, his arms going around her in a tight embrace. He’d never hugged her like this before and she was frozen in his hold. “It’s okay, Ashina,” he said reassuringly. “It will be okay.”

She relaxed in his arms and her own arms wrapped around his torso, accepting his calming comfort. If she had a big brother, she thought this is what that kind of hug would feel like. Marco was a strong, reassuring presence, but it didn’t change the hard facts they had to face.

“Marco, we’re pirates,” she whispered. “What are we going to do?”

“Well, you are going to stop taking the hormone pills, I’m going to run some more tests and start you on a vitamin boost. Oh, and you’ll think of how to tell Ace, and Pops.”

[tracybirds]

To Stumble and To Falter

(A title? you who know my intense dislike of titling fics may all give a cheer, no need for further reading, thank you, thank you xD)

John faints and Virgil is suspicious of the cause. Includes some Dr Grandma bc we need more of that in our lives!

Many thanks to @gumnut-logic for bluntly telling me to write the fic and then reading it over in bits to help me fix it up :D

And if I’ve written Jon anywhere let me know, my H key is being temperamental... I think I’ve got them all but still :D

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The stumbling step hardly drew attention from anyone else, John tripped so often when bound by the laws of gravity. By his own admission, this particular re-entry had been of the hard and fast variety, the kind that left him a little hazy and wobbly. Only Virgil looked up at the sound of a foot not lifted high enough and banging into the staircase.

The crash that followed however, echoed around the room as brother by brother snapped into action.

“Medkit,” barked Virgil, darting across the room in three bounding steps. His command followed Gordon out of the room as he knelt next to John. He could feel the sluggish pulse beneath clammy skin and hurriedly ran his hand across the lump that was forming at the back of John’s head. There was no blood, he noted with some relief.

“Alright Scott, get his feet up.”

Scott quickly complied as Alan popped up next to Virgil.

“Is he okay?”

“Give him some space, he’ll be fine.”

Alan scooted back, reassured by the authority that rung in his older brother’s voice.

“How badly did he hit his head?” asked Scott.

“Nasty bump, but with a bit of luck nothing more. Look, he’s coming around.”

John’s eyes fluttered open as Gordon skidded into the room, nearly throwing the medkit at Virgil in his hurry.

“Wha’ happened?” mumbled John.

“What do you remember?” asked Virgil, as he strapped the icepack in place.

John batted weakly at his own neck, trying to escape Virgil’s care.

“I was walking up the stairs?”

“Didn’t even make it to the third step this time,” quipped Gordon. “You going for a record or something?”

“Gordon,” growled Scott, and he bounded away with a grin.

“You fainted,” Virgil clarified. He frowned at the lazy way John’s pupils followed the light. “And you’re on the concussion watchlist, congratulations.”

John groaned, a high whiny sound that earned him a cushion snatched from the nearby couch and laid lovingly over his head.

“Thanks,” came his muffled voice. “I feel fine.”

Scott and Virgil shared an exasperated look, remembering the last time an injured John had insisted he was ‘fine’.

“Sure John, whatever you say. You feel okay to walk?”

“Maybe. Is Alan there?”

“Sure is.”

“Might need a hand getting up.”

Alan grabbed his hand and hauled him upright. The change did not improve Virgil’s assessment of John. He pitched slightly to the side and Alan and Virgil both grabbed at him.

“Easy.”

Virgil could feel the tremors running through him, the heavy, deliberate breathing loud in his ears as he held up his brother.

“Dizzy? Nauseous?”

The barest nod sent Gordon hurrying from the room in search of a bowl.

“It’s probably vertigo, it’ll pass.”

“Thanks,” said John, through gritted teeth. “I know that.”

He took a few steps towards the staircase that had been his undoing and paused. The small motion had been enough for the colour to leech from his skin again.

Virgil was at his side immediately, steadying hands against his back.

“Maybe walking isn’t a great idea right now.”

John said nothing, standing as still as he could while he swayed with his eyes closed.

Virgil was several inches shorter than his brother, but this was no object for him, hoisting John into his arms.

His eyes flew open at the touch and he stared up at the ceiling in surprise.

“Medbay or bedroom?”

“I hate you.”

“Medbay it is then.”

“No, bedroom is good,” said John quickly.

“Glad you’ve come around.” Virgil glanced over his shoulder, catching Scott’s eye and nodding towards Alan. “Go update Grandma. She’ll want to check him out for herself.”

“I hope I do throw up,” said John with a scowl. “You’d deserve it.”

Virgil ignored him, knowing his brother was just embarrassed. He climbed the stairs easily, heading for the isolated area of the villa that John made his own when he came to visit.

He kicked open the door, and placed his brother on his bed. John was still scowling up at him.

“Was that necessary?”

“Yes.” He snatched up a copy of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and cracked it open.

“I don’t need to be read to like a child.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun. You can explain all the hidden maths to me and I’ll pretend to understand what you’re talking about.”

“Really Virgil, I’ll be fine.”

Virgil shrugged and replaced the book. Swinging the desk chair around, he sat and propped his feet up on the bed, leaning back to look at John.

“Probably.”

“You don’t really think I have a concussion do you? I’m alert, no headache unless I poke in the wrong place, no vomiting or confusion.”

“You’re dizzy, nauseous, unable to hold your balance, and clearly agitated.”

“You’re agitating, that’s why,” muttered John.

“And it’s been a while since you had a fainting spell like that. I thought we had that sorted out.”

John said nothing. Virgil raised an eyebrow, a niggling suspicion starting form in the back of his mind.

“There’s not any particular reason you would know of that would cause that, is there?”

“Long term exposure to microgravity?”

Virgil narrowed his eyes.

John smiled guilelessly.

His brother’s eyes flitted to the bedside table and, in one fluid motion, Virgil vaulted across the bed and yanked the drawer open.

John yelped at the sudden mass lying across him, scrabbling at Virgil’s hands and pulling uselessly against him.

Virgil held the monthly drug planner away from him, scowling at John as he attempted to pry the box out of his hands. He shoved John back and flipped his prize over with a futile hope that only the last remaining days of the month were creating the rattling sound inside. Instead he found nearly every compartment still filled with the little supplement packets John was meant to be taking daily.

“What the hell, John?” Virgil smacked his arm with the box. “Why aren’t you taking these?”

“I forgot?”

Virgil glared at him.

“Try again, you’ve never been less than intentional about a damn thing in your entire life.”

Stubborn silence stretched long in the room and Virgil filled every second with fears and possibilities and visions of his brother collapsing and confined to the Earth forever.

“We trust you John, you can’t just do this,” he growled, waving the box at John. “Your health has to come first, you’re alone up there, and if you get into trouble, who’s going to help you? Alan?”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Like hell it isn’t. You’d really make him come up and get you?”

“That’s not fair.”

“I know it’s not fair.”

The shout erupted from him, its echo only stoking the frustration that yet again one of his brothers had chosen to ignore the medical procedures laid out before them. He took a steadying breath, hating the way his brother curled away from him.

“It’s not fair of you to put us in that position, it’s not fair to expect me to always pick up the pieces.”

“I know what I can handle, you’re choosing to worry unnecessarily.” Fire flickered in his eyes. His face was pale but his cheeks were tinged with blotchy red.

Virgil snorted. At least he wouldn’t have to worry about John passing out again with so much blood pooling in his head.

“This isn’t about you getting to decide, this is about you doing as you’re told. You’re not the only one with a stake in your damn life, stop acting as if you’re the only one who matters in this situation. You take your pills because if you don’t, you won’t just injure yourself, you’ll fracture this whole family all over again.”

“Stop it.”

“No, you stop it. Stop being selfish and think. Do you even care that it damn near killed Alan the last time? Of course you don’t, you weren’t there afterwards. You never are. We care about whether you get hurt or not, you could at least pretend to do the same.”

“Virgil.”

The calm of his Grandma’s voice slammed into him, freezing the moment in place.

For an instant, Virgil could see the room from the outside, him towering over his bed-bound brother, brandishing the box in front of him. John’s eyes were closed, his face pulled into a frown. He lay still with his head tilted up on the pillow, determined that even while he shut Virgil out there could be no chance of accidental connection between them.

“Scott, take your brother please.”

There was no doubt about who she meant. Scott stepped around her and tugged the container from Virgil’s hands.

The short, sharp rattle of pills made him flinch away as Scott laid them back on the bedside table, eyes dark with worry as he looked between them.

“Let’s go,” he muttered, eyes lingering on Virgil’s frozen expression.

Scott pulled him from the room, but the way John stiffened at their grandmother’s gentle hand on his shoulder stayed with Virgil long after the door was closed.

Virgil backed up against the wall opposite the door and sank to the floor.

“What the hell was that?” demanded Scott, dropping down beside him. “I leave you two for five minutes and come back to you tearing out his throat? For what, fainting? Give the guy a break, it’s not like he can help it.”

“I’ll take that bet,” said Virgil, scowling at the door. “He’s not been taking his pills, Scott. Which means we don’t have a damn clue where his vitamin or mineral levels are at now, or how long they’ve been deficit for. And they will be deficient.”

“But you and Grandma can sort him out right? It’s not like this is new.”

“Only if he listens to us. We can’t force him to take them, he’s not a child.”

The image of John, pale and unmoving, floated in front of him again and wrapped itself around his heart. A sigh escaped him as he closed his eyes, trying to blot out the image.

“Look, if he won’t, there’s going to be consequences. His health, our trust, something will have to give eventually and I’m not willing to pay for his mistakes.”

Scott blinked.

“But if there were a way to force him,” he said slowly. “I could make his rotation conditional, it wouldn’t be hard.”

“And why the hell would he listen to you?”

“We could put checks in place so he doesn’t have a choice.”

“Let me rephrase that, why the hell should he listen to you?”

“I get the final say over assignments, I can–”

"You're just as bad as he is," snarled Virgil. "How many times have you explicitly ignored my advice. You can't command him to take them while you're still blasting off with broken ribs."

"They were strapped."

"That's not the point!"

“Okay.” Scott’s hands were surrendered in front of him in an attempt to fend off the vehemence in Virgil’s voice. “Okay, jeez, fine. Are you mad at him or not?”

“Of course I’m mad at him.” Virgil slumped against the wall. “He’s supposed to be the one I don’t have to worry about.”

He didn’t feel mad anymore. He just felt the creeping exhaustion that came with caring for a brother that didn’t want his help.

Scott tilted his head back and exhaled heavily.

“Did he say why?”

Virgil shook his head.

“I didn’t give him the chance.” He ran a hand down his face. “He’s not stupid, he knows how important this kind of thing is.”

“It might have been an accident.”

“For twenty four days in a row?”

“Okay, point.”

The door clicked open and both men sprang to their feet. Before they could say anything, Grandma Tracy held up a hand and walked away, beckoning them to follow her.

They didn’t say a word as Grandma Tracy ushered them into her sitting room.

“How is he, Grandma?” asked Scott, unable to hold back any longer.

“He’ll be right as rain come morning. He’s sleeping now.”

“Is that wise?” Virgil asked, his mind still overrun with worries.

Grandma Tracy clucked her tongue gently.

“You know as well as I do that sleeping doesn’t cause the complications that come from concussion. We’ll keep monitoring him, same as always. Although it looked like a mere scalp wound, not a brain injury, to me.”

Virgil looked over at Scott, the relief mirrored in their expressions.

“The other issue however, that’s more complex.” She opened the door to her rooms and nodded at the seats inside. “Sit down, both of you.”

They sat.

“What’s he told you?” she asked Scott brusquely.

“John’s refusing to take his supplements. He’s gonna get himself hurt.”

“John’s struggling up on Five with daily medications,” she said bluntly. “He’s not refusing. The days are too fragmented, and there’s no chance for him to build habit triggers with the pace he’s keeping.”

Virgil’s stomach dropped. Of course John wasn’t being malicious or stubborn about it. He should have known. He should have asked.

“Well, that’s good, right?” said Scott, nudging him. “It’s not deliberate?”

“It’s not deliberate,” repeated Virgil, still internally cursing the ridiculous conclusion he’d jumped to. To say nothing of the painful accusations he’d made.

Grandma Tracy cleared her throat, drawing their attention again. Her eyes were serious.

“I’ve taken a blood sample, and in a few hours we’ll know the most urgent actions to take. EOS can monitor his daily activity for a few weeks and identify tasks we can tie his supplement use to. Then it’s just a matter of checking in until he’s ready to go back to full capacity.”

“Seems straightforward,” said Scott, glancing at Virgil. “What do you think?”

Grandma Tracy’s eyes shifted to meet his own.

“It sounds like a good plan, Grandma.”

She nodded firmly, eyeing the two brothers in front of her.

“Well if that’s decided, we’d best go break the news to your brothers that they have a dispatch refresher coming their way.”

Scott laughed. “I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to hear it.”

“They do need the practice,” said Virgil with a reluctant smile tugging at his lips as they stood.

They stepped out of the sitting room. He paused, staring at the hallway that lead to John’s room. It seemed to stretch far ahead of him and the way it curved into dark corners somehow seemed all the more ominous for the dread and regret that weighed upon him. His feet were leaden, but he forced himself to turn away from Scott and Grandma Tracy and walk towards the hall.

“Are you coming, Virgil?” Grandma Tracy’s voice was quiet but it broke through the whirling thoughts in his mind.

The door at the far end was ajar, a tiny gap that called to him as a clear invitation.

“Actually, I have something I need to do first,” he said, walking towards it. “You go on, I’ll talk to them after.”

Grandma Tracy smiled.

“You’re a good man, Virgil,” she said, patting his shoulder. “We’ll see you later.”

Decision made, he could move easily again and the hallway seemed to brighten with every step.

Virgil slipped into the room and found John appeared to be sleeping peacefully, the exertion of the day catching up with him at last.

He settled himself back on the chair, watching the slow rise and fall of John’s chest in the gloom. An arm had been flung across his forehead and Virgil smiled to see the small Yoda plaster over the prick on his index finger.

He picked up Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland from where he’d placed it earlier and flicked on his pen torch, a tiny beam of light illuminating the words.

“You can turn the desk light on if you want.”

Virgil jumped slightly at the calm, measured voice. He glanced over and saw John watching him, one eye still closed and the other bright and alert.

“You don’t mind?”

John shook his head and so Virgil did as he was told. The soft glow that lined the desk spilled onto the page and across the room.

There was no sound but the rustle of turned pages and even breathing.

“You could read it to me,” said John suddenly.

Virgil looked up, spotting the shining eye and the tilted head that told him John wasn’t going to hold his fears against him. He swallowed carefully past the lump in his throat. He knew a peace offering when he saw it, knew they held words that would be left unsaid between them. He wouldn’t reject a sincere attempt to mend fences, especially when he had been the fool that smashed them.

He nodded once and John closed his eyes with a content sigh.

“Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do…”

--------------------------------------------------

Maths and Alice you ask? Some very cool theories about the meaning and context in which Alice was written can be found [here]

[oh-styles]

Something About a Loss: Part I

Disclaimer: Before we jump in, I want to disclose that this chapter talks heavily about miscarriage, and depicts violence and bouts of depression. If it is something you aren’t comfortable with, I advise you to skip this one.

In addition, I found this chapter extremely hard to find a finishing point on. I feel it is not as good as my other works, simply because it’s sad as fuck. I don’t write sad stuff well, and I know this now. Nevertheless, I did it. 

I also advise that if you are sad after finishing this, you stream Lights Up.

May 18, 2019 Los Angeles, CA

You were ill, and infallibly ill, at that. Since the days leading up to this very moment, the one where you are splayed over the king size mattress with a thin sheet covering half of your exposed body – you can’t decide if you’re hot or cold – you swear up and down you have purged at least half of your body weight. Harry, who was as well as a whistle, claimed you just had a stomach bug, but felt confident enough to remain by your side despite the risk of germs.

“I can pop to the shops real quick, get you some ginger ale?... What sounds good, pet?”

Death. Death sounds good.

You don’t want to risk moving – or risk any movement, really – for the sole sake of your sensitive stomach that is one head acknowledgement away from projectile vomiting like you were in a poorly casted remake of The Exorcist. You can sense Harry standing beside you, and after a beat with no response, he reaches his hand out and holds it front of your mouth to confirm you are still indeed breathing.

“You still with me, sweets?” You wiggle your toe rapidly. “Is that a yes…?” Wiggle. “Alright, I’ll be back in a bit, okay? You want anything else? Crackers?” He’s met with silence, but he watches you from the doorway – giving a subtle glance to your big toe – and nods to himself. “Is it okay if I take y’car? Mine’s low on petrol and I don’t feel like—”

“Keys in purse,” you mumble into your pillow, pulling a hand free from the sheets and pointing somewhere towards the corner of the room.

“Right,” he spots the Gucci bag hanging on the closet door. “I won’t be long.”

But be long, he did, but it wasn’t his fault, really. He had to remind himself he couldn’t get sidetracked, that he had a sick girlfriend back home waiting for him, so he needed to promptly check off his mental grocery list and be out the door before you could say Harry Styles. But, it’s right as he’s awkwardly carrying three Canada Dry’s, and beginning to regret passing on grabbing a basket, that he hears it.

“Harry Styles!”

It was a few photos and a video of a cool hat trick later that he finally found himself tucked away safely back in your car.

“Alright, sicky, I’m home.” He nudges the bedroom door open with a light kick and sets the bag of drinks down on the end of the bed. Where he left you, just a mere thirty minutes before, is now empty, and he spots where you kicked off the sheets in a clear haste; it was no telling where you are now. He can hear the harsh guttural retching from the bathroom door, and with a peek inside, there you were, lay stark naked on the opaque tiles. “Blood hell, pet.”

“I think I’ve fallen ill,” you mutter against the toilet seat. That was a major understatement if he’s ever heard one. This was the second day you’ve been stumbling into the bathroom at all hours of the day, seemingly fine just moments before. It was hard telling how much longer this could last, but Harry already decided by tomorrow he was willing to take you to the doctor if no symptoms have let up.

You were not having it; you had fully accepted death if it meant avoiding any doctors office--needles, blood tests, what have you. It was just a stomach bug, one that would pass, and you’d rather not waste his time and money on something that can be treated with water, rest and back rubs.

Though, the following morning, after you were finished purging your breakfast into the toilet, you spotted Harry in the doorway of the bathroom with your shoes in hand, and a sullen, sunken face.

“Alright, let’s go, pet.”

You were 24-years-old, an adult woman, who at the mention of anything medical, instantly recoils into a ball on the floor. No, sir. There was no way you were going. Water, rest, and backrubs--that’s all you needed, thank you. But, unfortunately for you, your boyfriend stood firmly in the doorway, and already prepared himself for such a reaction.

“There could be something seriously wrong with you, pet. Read something about a parasite--”

“A fucking parasite.”

“It’s just a thought--”

“Something could be growing inside me?”

There was more on his mind than just a fucking parasite, but he couldn’t find the words to say them, not with you hyperventilating on the bathroom for in fear of having to see a doctor. In truth, it was the first thing that came up when he searched your symptoms, and when he called the doctor that morning, they too agreed you come in for tests.

If he were to say the p-word, your panicking might only intensify. It’s not that you didn’t want kids, but it wasn’t something that was exactly on the table for discussion as of late. Was it something you could see yourself doing in the future? Of course, but that was in the future, maybe a couple years from now. You still relied on your boyfriend to remind you to take your vitamins; there was no way you were ready for a baby.

As for Harry, ever since the first morning you chucked yourself off the bed and raced to the bathroom, he knew; it was this gut feeling most would describe as an intuition, and with every passing day, it would only grow in size. If it wasn’t the morning sickness, it was you sleeping your days away, and complaining about the tenderness of your breasts.

You just thought your period was coming.

“Or...you could be pregnant.”

He had his assistant drop off a few tests that morning while you were still asleep, and maybe it was a father's instinct, but he knew the outcome before you even had to glance down at the test. He made a deal with you, if the tests came back negative, they would see a doctor. If they were positive, he’d give the two of you a day to let the shock settle.

He was relatively surprised by how resilient you were when he handed over the tests. There were three boxes, six in total. Throughout the day you would take one, which was easy because your urgency to pee had sparked over the last few days, and whatever response it gave you, you would make a note of it.

By the third pregnant, you stopped taking them.

Harry was making lunch, and the only thing you felt you could stomach was cooked spaghetti, minus the sauce. You sauntered down the stairs, the tests concealed in a ziplock bag, and tossed them up onto the kitchen counter.

“I want eggs instead.”

“Oh, yeah?” He didn’t bother to glance back at you. “Scrambled? Poached?”

“Fertilized.”

He was spreading mayonnaise onto a piece of bread, and you think he might’ve not heard you, but it was once he twisted the lid back on, setting the knife on the edge of the sink, that he turned around, that you realize he’d been crying.

“So,” he sniffs, a smile spreading wide. “We’re having a baby?”

It’s then that you pull out your phone, and do a quick Spotify search, fast forward the song until you’re reached the chorus, before you hit play on Kiwi.

* June 10, 2019 Los Angeles, CA

“Think we can snatch up some Cinnabon today, muscles? I got a hankering for some cinnamon on buns.”

At first glance, you don’t look any different; not from the day before, anyway. To any new pair of eyes, you’re just an ordinary woman who insists on stopping to pet every dog that passes by, and who trips over her shoelace she refuses to tie. No stranger would be vaguely aware of the hidden secret laid burrowed deep inside the swell of her stomach.

“Is it you that wants it, or baby bean?”

You snicker, but you damn well knew the answer. The little baby bean laid protectively inside of you just entered its ninth week of development, and you were proud to say it was the size of an almond. You spent the greater portion of the morning studying over all the changes the little one would be making, and the sexual organs were one of them.

“Okay, get this. It says that the gonads have become either testes or ovaries. We actually have a boy or girl—or whatever it wants to be, that’s their choice, but testes and ovaries, babe!”

You knew it would still be some time before you found out the gender, but it didn’t stop either one of you starting a list of names written in the Notes section in your phone.

“I really like Lily…or Meadow,” you inquire from the kitchen, as you dip a carrot into a tub of ranch. “Maybe even Moonbeam?”

“Moonbeam. Moonbeam Styles.”

“Could be a middle name, too. Meadow Moonbeam.”

“Babe, our child wasn’t conceived at Woodstock.”

No, but the thought crossed your mind frequently as to when your egg had openly welcomed your boyfriend’s sperm, and after some math and a doctor’s visit, you were left with a definitive time: late march, or March 29, to be exact.

“I think you knocked me up after the Rock ‘n’ Roll thing.”

“The Rock ‘n’ Roll thing,” Harry rolls his eyes.

“I remember—I was on my period the week before, and I didn’t want you anywhere near me, and I remember once we were in New York it was finally over, and after the Stevie Nicks thing—” You could see him roll his eyes once more. “—we went back to the hotel and we fucked like…all night, practically.”

“Okay, but you know that doesn’t mean it was that night.”

“Listen, okay. Because of the time change, I forgot to take my pill that day, so I doubled the next day, but because I missed—”

“How do you remember this stuff?”

“Just let me finish, will you!”

In the end, despite your distinguishing facts, the boy that laid sprawled out on the sofa in nothing but his underwear, still was doubtful whether to believe your undeniable facts. Yes, you were right that the two of you did get down and dirty that night, but you also got down and dirty for likely many nights after that, but he’s aware of how stubborn you are, and let you have this one thing.

“I can’t believe it… I bet it was because you were around Stevie Nicks. She put a spell on your sperm, I bet.”

*

June 18, 2019 Wembley Arena, London, UK

“Are you going to ask Stevie Nicks if she put a spell on your sperm?”

“Pet, I will leave you in the car.”

“No, no, I’ll be good, I promise!”

“And don’t…give anything away.”

You were one who did well with keeping secrets, but this secret was nestled away inside of your body, and it was only a matter of time before that secret was impractical to hide. You and Harry had decided that you would tell family and friends by the twelfth week, because there was something he read about most miscarriages happening in the first trimester – for whatever reason – and it was just better to wait until that risk was lower.

“It’s literally a week away—a week. A week, Harry.”

“6 days, actually.” He pulls his hoodie up and over his head, tousling his hair in the process. “Can wait 6 days, yeah?”

“You’re asking the impossible of me!”

“I’m asking you to not tell my mother I knocked you up.”

Knocked up. This wasn’t some one-night stand bullshit—though, you might recall him shoving your face into the bedsheets and ramming himself into you dripping cunt quicker than you could say, “Yes, baby, right there!” You like to imagine the conception of your child was a moment filled with love and passion, but you can’t lie to yourself and ignore the fact he spit in your mouth, and after he came in you, making you stand and let the cum drip down your thighs while he got off to it on the bed.

No, your child was created by love, dammit!

“Don’t tell Anne we made love and are having a baby, got it!”

Even he knows ‘making love’ wasn’t what you would call it, and the long pause as the two of you walked into the venue was more than proof of that.

Despite being given this absurd task of not letting any cats out of any bags, you did manage to keep your mouth closed upon the arrival of Anne Twist. She was quick to swoop you in her arms, planting a kiss on your cheek, and even rubbing a thumb over your cheek, saying something about your clear complexion.

“Your skin is looking beautiful, darling. Are you using something new?”

Pregnancy hormones. “Vitamins.”

“Oh, what kind?”

Pre-natal. “Hair, skin and nails.”

“Well, you are looking very healthy.” She really was none the wiser, well, up until moments later when you turned down a glass of wine backstage.

“I, uh, was really hung over this morning. Was throwing up all night. Pretty gross stuff.” You weren’t entirely fibbing. You and your unborn child have been playing a cat-and-mouse game of whether it will agree with what you eat or not. Last night, turns out, it did not particularly care much for the chicken and rice Harry had cooked up. “Just sticking with water tonight.”

Two days later, you and Harry attended the wedding of Amy and Mike, which was just another imminent disaster just scheduled to happen. It was one thing biting your tongue for one person, but that evening, you would have his entire family on your tail, and you aren’t completely confident on how many lies you can pull out of your ass in one evening.

But, it was that morning, after waking up in a haste and purging every last bit of your late dinner – you sometimes get hungry around 2 am – that you realize, staring back at you in the mirror, is the well-defined beginnings of a bump. Before, it only looked like you had spent your afternoon at an all-you-can-eat buffet, but now, you were pregnant. There was no way José you could fool anyone into believing you were just simply bloated from a big lunch.

“I think if the morning sickness gets any worse, we should try those pills the doctor was telling you about.” You hear Harry rustling around in the bedroom, seemingly on the hunt for the little slip of paper with the prescription. “D’ya want some toast, love?”

You heard a light tap on the other side of the door, and it was once he peeked his head in, that he spotted you, standing bare-chested in front of the mirror, and the obvious little convex mass that he swears up and down was not there a minute ago.

“We have to tell them.”

“Babe—”

“Your mom is already onto me, and I’m only going to get bigger.”

“You can’t announce pregnancies at weddings—that’s a law, or summit, yeah?”

“Well, this wouldn’t be a problem now if we had just told them earlier.”

“All of the books say it’s best to wait—”

“Well, fuck waiting—I’m fucking massive now!”

You ended up arriving late to the wedding, and considerably disorderly, after having to redo your makeup in the venue bathroom because you started crying on your way there because you saw a bird. No, that’s it. Just a bird, one that you thought looked very beautiful. You knew there was no way you could finish the night without crying at least five more times.

Your excuse for that: “Oh, probably going to start my period soon!” They’d get the truth soon enough.

*

June 28, 2019 New York, New York

“You’re actually going to wear that shirt to dinner,” you affirm, giving your hand a little wave in the air to help dry your nails. Harry gives a brief glance down at his top, stretching it at the bottom to admire it fully. “There isn’t anything else you could wear?”

“What’s wrong with m’shirt?”

“It says Safe Sex…like, in big letters—can’t miss ‘em.” It’s then, with a little more observation, you notice the two figures, and how they each appear to be holding— “No, for fucks sake, Harry. You aren’t wearing that outside of this hotel room.”

“It’s a nice shirt.”

“They are whacking each other off!”

“It’s a Keith Haring, darling. Get with the times.”

In the end, after much persuasion – and a threatening promise of spilling red wine all over his vintage top – he wore the shirt to dinner. A nice restaurant, mind you. One where the appetizer costs as much as a normal entrée at Applebee’s, and to fork the bill at the end of the night, you’d have to ask politely if they accept payment plans.

“Babe, stop looking at the cocktail menu.”

“I’m just looking.”

“You’re going to upset yourself because you can’t have any of it.”

“Babe, they put an actual egg white in a White Lady… Fucking rich people, let me tell you what…” And leave it to the rich guy sat in front of you to wear a shirt promoting masturbation to a 5-star restaurant.

“Maybe I can get the little Styles a matching one, so they can match with their daddy.” You saw the corner of his mouth twitch at the word; he still was getting used to the idea of being a father in the coming months.

“You’d actually be fine with your newborn child wearing a onesie that says Safe Sex?”

And after a moment’s thought, he didn’t bring the topic up again.

In the month since you found out about the pregnancy, there were many lifestyle changes you inevitably would have to change. For one, you weren’t allowed to stand in front of the microwave anymore, nor could you lay on your stomach, because you might ‘squish’ the baby. You tried to explain to your boyfriend that your child was practically the size of an almond, and laying on your stomach would do it no possible harm, but he wasn’t having any of it.

As if giving up alcohol was bad enough, you were forced to abandon your love for seafood. There was a list of things you could eat in moderation, but you weren’t exactly sure how to eat lobster in moderation.

You also spent an hour crying when you were told you couldn’t eat cookie dough do to the raw eggs.

“Love, you shouldn’t be eating it anyway!”

“It’s fucking good, Harry! Like you would know. The only sweet shit you put near your mouth is my cunt.”

Harry realized very early on that pregnancy, for you, was just a rollercoaster of hormones, and he better strap in for the ride. After he had told you that you had to give up coffee and sushi, you locked yourself in the bathroom while you cried in the bathtub.

“You hate me!”

“I don’t hate you! That stuff just isn’t good for the baby.”

“If it’s my baby, it’ll want it!”

You stayed locked in the bathroom for an hour, and only came out because you forgot there was a new episode of This Is Us. Harry then spent the next thirty minutes online trying to track down a eggless cookie dough recipe he could make, that way you could stop giving him the stink eye from across the room.

He was lucky you didn’t make him sleep on the couch that night.

* June 29, 2019 New York, New York

Tonight was your last night in New York, and you would then spend a week in London before heading out to Canada to enjoy a nice, serene vacation with the Gerber’s. Harry called your little holiday in Muskoka a pre-babymoon, but all you wanted was a vacation. You knew it would be later in the year when his schedule began to pick up, and all of the plans they have been deriving for months would finally be set in motion, so it was not set in stone as to when an actual babymoon could fit in that timeline or not.

“We’ll make something work, love.” Harry bumps his hip out and taps your side. “You’re not due until December; I know we can get away for a week.”

December 20th, to be exact. Harry had his fingers crossed for a Christmas baby, but the last thing you wanted was to spend the holidays overdue, trying to push a small human out of your vagina. If you could have it your way, Christmas would be spent cuddled on the sofa with a cup of hot chocolate, your baby girl – or boy – fast asleep in its My First Christmas onesie, snoozing soundly on your chest. Harry would be off in the corner, taking aesthetic photos of you by the Christmas tree, and maybe he would find himself cuddled into your side for a little family nap.

But that was still six months away.

Harry was off doing a photoshoot for Rolling Stone, so you spent your afternoon back at the hotel with his debit card, buying every stretch mark cream that promised fast results, and ramen from GrubHub. You were also mildly surprised when your child decided it liked your lunch choice and let you digest it properly.

“So, we know you like ramen… I’ll make a note of that.” You smile, giving gentle rubs to your little bump. “I think next we should try some… Oh, dumplings sound good. Think you want some dumplings, little bean?”

And once again, you right back on GrubHub.

“Daddy will be back soon, and then we’ll go back on a plane and be home… Nana said she got you some stuff, so we’ll have to check that out, huh?”

You like to imagine that they’re bundled inside you, nodding along to everything you say. “Well, yes, I would like to check out what Nana got me!” Though, only the size of a lemon, your little, growing human has developed vocal cords, teeth, and even fingerprints.

So far, the pregnancy has been pretty smooth sailing for you. You feel like you spent most of the first trimester asleep or puking, but now you’re finding yourself up and moving, doing the dishes and laundry, vacuuming, and trying to find some time to spend in the bedroom.

The idea of sex while you had a growing fetus taking up your insides, for a lack of better words, freaked the fuck out of you both. Would it hurt? Would it damage anything? Every article you read online sufficed your thoughts, but you wouldn’t let Harry’s penis near you until your OB gave you the green light, and once that green light was lit, the two of you didn’t waste a moment.

You also didn’t really imagine the first time having sex since you two found out you were expecting would result in him calling his mom immediately after. In his defense, you trust Anne, and she’s been through this twice, so she must have all the answers. But, I think the last thing anyone would want is having their boyfriend call their mother after they’ve finished fucking you, to ask if it’s normal for their girlfriend to bleed a little.

“Yes, Harry… a little is normal…”

You texted her a few minutes later to apologize.

“I can’t believe you called your mom.”

“I panicked!”

“I don’t like it when she knows we’ve had sex.”

“Well…you are pregnant…with my child… Had to have m’cock in ya for that to happen.”

Harry didn’t waste any time getting back to the hotel after his shoot, and just like every morning right as he wakes up, he made a beeline to your bump and greeted it with a little kiss. “Hello, little bean. Did ya keep y’mum company today?” And of course, a kiss for you. “Are you all packed? Probably going to leave here in a few—flight leaves in two hours.”

“Yep, and—” You watch as he strolls around the room, picking up his phone charger and tosses it in his bag. His eyes, they were different. They were darker. They— “Eyeliner? They really put you in eyeliner?”

“Oh, yeah.” He grins, throwing on his jacket. “I wanted to get back here, so I didn’t bother taking it off.”

“You look like you belong in a pop punk band that writes songs about how much they hate their hometown but refuse to leave.”

Thirty minutes later, and the three of you were out the door. His driver was parked outside, and felt informed to give a heads up that a group of girls were beginning to form outside the building. This wasn’t your first time, nor would it be your last. At this point, all you could do was shrug your shoulders and carry on. All the times before, they never pay much attention to you, nor have they ever bothered to do so.

You noticed how Harry grew silent on the elevator, and even made the comment, “Stay close to me. Don’t stop for anyone.” You felt that was the baby talking, because the last thing he could imagine happening was lingering outside too long and getting jostled.

Outside the doors, he spotted the driver waiting outside the car door, and he reached his hand back to find yours. “Just stay close. We’ll be quick.”

You could hear the screaming through the glass doors, and once you were outside it was amplified. Girls were shoving, and reaching their arms out as far as they could, trying their best to get that small, brief touch. You kept your hand bound tight with his, your eyes fixated on the ground, and you knew you were only a few feet away from the car, until you felt a sudden, deafening whack across your back, one that sent you flying forward into Harry’s jacket.

Before you could find your footing, you felt a pair of hands tangle and twist itself in your hair, and you were violently thrown back, colliding with a hard blow on the pavement.

You could hear the screaming – much different than from before – and most certainly not from the same person. When you opened your eyes, all you could see were a pair of shoes, but they became closer and closer until you felt the kick strike your stomach, and again to your jaw.

“Get the fuck off of her!”

“Go fucking die, cunt!” Spat.

You didn’t realize you had been shielding your face until you felt a pair of hands reach out, taking your in theirs. You saw a brief glimpse of a cross tattoo, and were swiftly lifted up and settled in the backseat of the car.

*

Two hours ago, it had a heartbeat. It had told you how much it enjoyed the ramen and dumplings, and how excited it was to hear about the presents its Nana had gotten them. It was only the size of a lemon and had developed teeth and vocal cords and fingerprints. It was close to 3 inches long, and not even a full pound in weight, and now it’s all gone.

There wasn’t going to be a Christmas birthday. You weren’t going to sit on the sofa with a cup of hot chocolate, with your newborn asleep on your chest. There wasn’t going to be photos taken by your boyfriend, ones he would show off to every one of his friends.

All the names would go unused. Meadow Moonbeam, Lily Magnolia, Sunshine Rainbow were all ceased to exist now. There would be no family now, just the two of you.

You listen to the nurse talk, and you watch Harry sit beside you, but you don’t say a word. You stare at the ceiling tiles and count 94, and once you’ve finished you notice she’s still talking, so you recount again, but this time you get 95. Maybe the room is just getting bigger, or you’re just getting smaller.

Harry adjusts himself in his seat and squeezes your hand. When you peak a glimpse over, you notice his eyeliner is now smeared, mostly having been rubbed off, and you can confirm that by the black mark on his hand. He says something to you, and you stare at his lips as he repeats it, but all the worlds fly over your head like the wind.

“Pet,” he says again, and this time you acknowledge him. “We can go. You don’t have to say here.”

You’ve already spoken to the police, given your statement. There wasn’t much of a statement to give, anyway. You didn’t see the person; hell, you weren’t even sure if there was just one. They could have had three heads; you really didn’t know. All you remember is the voice.

“Go fucking die, cunt!”

It wasn’t me who died.

There weren’t much more the nurses could do, at least not now, anyway. The nurse – you think her name was Nancy – said there was a chance you could need a D&C, and she went over the details, but you blocked her out. Harry even excused himself out of the room.

Before she left, she dropped a sonogram photo down on the side of the bed, the last picture you’d ever get of your child.

It’s been two hours, and you’ve not said a word. You reach down to feel your bump, to confirm to yourself it is still there, to make sure it wasn’t taken away from you while you weren’t looking. There wasn’t a heartbeat, but you bump remained untouched.

“Sweetheart, we can go. We don’t have to stay.”

You don’t even realize he’s returned, but he’s standing by the end of your bed, and the moment you notice his red nose – the light sniffle gave it away – you immediately reach out to grab the ultrasound photo, tucking it away at your side.

He keeps saying that, but once you leave, it’s really over. Those few months you had spent lying to your friends and family, keeping your little bump a secret, was all for nothing. It was all done. Finished. There was nothing to come tomorrow. No new development news next week. No waking up to Harry draped over your stomach, leaving a trail of drool on your shirt. No kisses, no change, no baby. It was all back to the beginning now, before you met your baby bean.

But life was different back then, because you hadn’t known what special love it gave you, and now that love has been taken away, and you’re just supposed to find your footing again and carry on like nothing happened. It’s only been two hours, but you don’t believe that’s possible.

You stay at the hospital for an hour more, until it’s been confirmed that you and Harry have another flight, this time at a different airport. Instead of JFK, you would be driving to Queens to leave out of LaGuardia.

“Hun,” you hear him walk around to the other side of the bed, reaching down to grab your shoes. “I love you.”

You can’t turn around, not with the pain still inching all across your abdomen, but you feel the weight shift on the mattress, and all of a sudden, a pair of arms wrap around your chest, pushing you back against his chest. It’s silent for just a moment, until a retching sob expels from the back of his throat, and he lays his head on your shoulder, and all you could feel where his tears drenching your skin.

His hand falls and lands on your bump – still there -  and it rests there for a while, softly rubbing little circles back and forth, his way of giving his baby bean one last goodbye. You feel him kiss the inside of your neck, and with another sniff, he steps away, and helps you into your shoes.

The two of you leave out of a back entrance where your vehicle is waiting, and in silence, you sit unmoving. You check once again to make sure your bump hasn’t disappeared.

It’s all you have left.

At LaGuardia, you’re escorted in by security, through another back entrance, and only once does Harry stop to take a couple photos. You stand silently, watching the interaction, and you’re astounded at how calm his demeanor is, where just forty-five minutes ago, he was at the hospital sobbing into your neck. You don’t understand how he could pose and smile – if you can call that a smile – despite having been given the news just hours before that his unborn child is dead.

It sounds vulgar; you hate the word dead, but that’s the reality of it now. It’s not living anymore, and maybe if you say it enough, you’ll stop feeling.

Anything to make the pain stop.

By now, the news has spread about the attack, and it’s all every update account and fan page can talk about. They talk about how they’re grateful you’re okay, how you’re up and walking and seemingly unscathed. As Harry walks back at you, you think you see them take another photo – a quick one, probably blurry – and you realize your hand is still resting on your bump.

Doesn’t matter anyway.

“C’mon, pet. Let’s get home.”

[cinema-tv-etc]

TV Show Review: The Queen’s Gambit

🎬  It’s More Than Just Chess                                                    

The Queen’s Gambit tells the story of Beth. A nine year-old orphan who is quiet, sullen, and by all appearances unremarkable. That is, until she plays her first game of chess. Her senses grow sharper, her thinking clearer, and for the first time in her life she feels herself fully in control. By the age of sixteen, she’s competing for the U.S. Open championship. But as Beth hones her skills on the professional circuit, the stakes get higher, her isolation grows more frightening, and the thought of escape becomes all the more tempting.

A Sneak Peek Into “The Queen’s Gambit”

At the age of nine, Beth Harmon is all alone. Her mother had just died in a car accident and she is now an orphan. It’s not like she had a very close relationship with her mother, it was the opposite actually. Ever since she was little, Beth has always been a quiet kid. No matter how much her mother yelled or screamed or panicked, Beth would always just calmly stare and said nothing.

Even on the day she was brought to the orphanage, she didn’t shed a tear. One would suppose, in a way, Beth has gotten used to being alone and maybe even prefer her own company to anyone else’s. In the orphanage, kids were given 2 pills every day. One red pill, and one green pill. The red pills were said to be vitamins, to keep the kids strong and healthy. The green pills, on the other hand, were called Xanzolam, which are usually prescribed for women with anxiety and insomnia. In the orphanage, it was given to the kids as tranquilizers to keep them calm and sedated.

She didn’t really care for the green pills until one day when she was in the basement where she stumbled onto a janitor called Mr. Shaibel playing chess all by himself. The sleek design of the board as well as all the pieces fascinated her, and she asked for him to teach her how to play. Upon hearing that, Mr. Shaibel’s reply to her was, “Girls don’t play chess.”

Beth was upset. She has never been this fascinated with something before, and yet now that her attention has been captured by the game of chess, Mr. Shaibel refused to teach her. Despite the refusal, however, Beth did not give up easily. She watched Mr. Shaibel’s gameplay, read books to grasp a deeper understanding of how chess works. And at night––this is where the green pill comes in handy––she would pop in a green pill and the chess pieces would start appearing on the ceiling as if they were magic.

And thus, she practiced in her head.

After a few nights of this and Beth’s persistence in wanting to learn chess, Mr. Shaibel eventually caved and decided to mentor her. To his surprise, Beth––for a girl who has never played chess ever before––held up quite well against himself. Mr. Shaibel was sure that she had never played this game before, but yet, she was able to play so well. So he asked her, “How did you know how to play chess?”

“I practiced, in my head.” Was Beth’s nonchalant reply.

This continued for a while, Beth would finish her school work and tests early, then she would go down to the basement to practice chess with Mr. Shaibel. It took her a while, but eventually, Mr. Shaibel who started off as her mentor wasn’t even able to beat her anymore. Mr. Shaibel surprised by her abilities, so much so that he invited a high school chess teacher to try to beat her. And even then, Beth effortlessly beat him without much thought.

As her obsession with chess grew, her dependence on the green pill did as well. Before when Beth would just take one green pill a day, now she would save up a few days worth of green pills and down them all at once. These days, she could no longer function without it. The green pills are the only way she was able to imagine the chessboard on the ceiling and practice in her head while everyone was asleep. Beth has become addicted to Xanzolam despite all the warnings that her friend gave her about the green pill.

And just when Beth was spearing through her young life getting better and better in chess, the state passes a law forbidding giving tranquilizers to children. Upon hearing that, Beth’s whole world comes crashing down.

What is she going to do now without those magical green pills?

3 Words to Describe This Show

BRILLIANT, GRIPPING, UNIQUE

Review

Ever since I subscribed to Netflix, I have watched so many more shows than I ever would otherwise. From the good ones to the mediocre ones and to the great ones. I mean, I can’t say that I’ve already watched all the shows there is on Netflix––because your girl doesn’t have the eye power for that––but I can say that I have binged a good handful of them and to be really, truly honest, The Queen’s Gambit is pretty up there when it comes to great shows.

Actually, I would even go as far as to say that The Queen’s Gambit might just be the best tv show that I’ve watched in 2020. From the cinematography to the actress and the aesthetic, everything was just so well done. Even now, a few weeks after I’ve finished bingeing it all in one go, I still sometimes go back just to stare at Anya Taylor Joy’s face. Honest to god that woman is absolutely gorgeous.

BETH HARMON AND SOMETHING ABOUT SMART GIRLS

This is something that just started developing in the past few years, but as I grow older, it feels like I am prioritizing more on brains than looks. 5 years ago I was all for that bad boy let-me-fix-you-but-i-wont-bring-you-home-to-momma type guys, but these days, it’s all the brains for me.

Maybe I am just evolving more and more into a zombie….

Me turning into a zombie aside (please love me still), while I was first pulled into the show because of Beth’s looks, it was her smarts that pulled me in and made me stay. There is something so endearing yet awe-inspiring about her way of moving through life. Despite the era that The Queen’s Gambit was set in, with chess being something that usually only men participate actively in, Beth knocked down all those stereotypes without batting an eye. What’s even cooler is that she wasn’t even trying to be a feminist or to stick one out for the girls.

Beth just loved chess, and she pursued it with all her might. It wasn’t that she was trying to show all those men that women can also play chess if she’d like, but it’s just she just didn’t care. Beth couldn’t understand why everyone was so surprised at the fact that she enjoyed and was good at playing chess. For her, it was just something that she loved and took great pride in. The way she looked at the world was for the most part very innocent, and something about that made me want to roll her up into a burrito and protect her forever.

IT’S MORE THAN JUST CHESS

A lot of people might be put off by the trailer, or by the synopsis when they see that this show is all about chess. Well, take it from someone who binged this show all in one go in a day: yes…and no.

Yes to the fact that The Queen’s Gambit is indeed a show about chess. However, it was also more than that. It tackles the topic of mental health, friendship, romantic relationships, addiction. Really, this show is deeper than what they show you in the trailer.

With Beth Harmon being a chess prodigy and whatnot it is understandable that there will be a lot of chess play going on, despite that, the show managed to make it in a way that it’s not boring nor repetitive. And this is coming from someone who detests chess from when she was little. I understand no chess whatsoever yet I have no problem following along with the storyline.

Trust me, The Queen’s Gambit is more than just chess.

DEPRESSION, LONELINESS, AND OTHER DRUGS

The Queen’s Gambit follows Beth from when she was nine years old through all her transitions into being an adult. Her despairs, her proudest moments, the people that come and goes. The viewers get to see all of that. Beth when she’s happy, Beth when she’s angry…her tears, her drunk, her crazy.

I love how Beth’s mental issues are depicted in The Queen’s Gambit. It’s like one of those people who seems to have it all on the outside, but on the inside, they were all broken in pieces. Maybe how Beth handled stress and how she always strives for nothing but perfection struck a chord in me, or maybe it was something else. I don’t really know for sure, all I know is that I really appreciate how they portrayed mental issues and drug addiction in this show.

While watching Beth go through all her mental breakdowns or her non-stop drinking blender, it never once struck me as something that is…odd. It was as if all of the emotions that she went through are all just part of life––of dealing with her emotions and growing up. It wasn’t portrayed as some sort of taboo, even among her friends. They sympathize with her, they were kind and understanding yet also firm with Beth. I don’t know, maybe this part of the review doesn’t make sense at all, but I just really appreciate that The Queen’s Gambit portrayed periods of depression or anxiety as something that people go through in life, instead of something that needs to be hospitalized. You feel me?

ROMANCE IS…KINDA IN THE AIR?

Another thing I love about The Queen’s Gambit: there is no pressure for Beth to date. Sure, she has pursuers who come to try their luck, and Beth herself also was attracted to some characters in the show, but there was never an underlying pressure from her stepmom or friends to push her to date. Which, thinking of when this show was set in––the year 1958––was quite surprising, at least for me.

While in this show Beth was never in a relationship for long, she never lacks male attention. Which makes sense given how gorgeous she is. However thinking how in the 50s and 60s where women are mainly housewives and listen to their husbands, it’s really refreshing to see Beth conquering the world one chess play at a time. Not only that, in the show, she became so well known for her ruthless chess play that men were intimidated by her. Which I can only imagine is not something you see often in the 50s and 60s.

Needless to say, The Queen’s Gambit’s takes on how Beth approaches sex and romantic relationship as a whole is very refreshing. Especially when you take the era into mind.

The Verdict

If you haven’t watched this The Queen’s Gambit, you have to. No, seriously, you need to. If you follow this blog long enough, you already know that your girl rarely ever get so gung-ho about tv shows. Books yes, every now and then. But tv shows? Almost never.

Ever since I finished watching The Queen’s Gambit, I have recommended it to nearly everyone I know that has ears attached to their heads. I seriously cannot recommend this show enough. Even if you don’t think you’ll enjoy it, just give it a 30-minute trial. If it didn’t catch your interest after that, you can drop it entirely. However, if you ended up bingeing it in under a day as I did, your girl expects a kiss on the cheek and a chocolate ice cream.

Not to mention, even if the show was just kind of bleh for you, wouldn’t you watch just for Anya Taylor’s doe eyes and gorgeous cheekbones? Because I damn well know I would. *wink*

https://literaturesandmovies.com/2020/11/06/tv-show-review-the-queens-gambit-its-more-than-just-chess/

🎬  🎥  🎞️ 📽️  🎬  🎥  🎞️  📸 📽️ 🎬

25 Things You Missed In Queen's Gambit

https://youtu.be/fDr0uKFkwpw

🎬  🎥  🎞️ 📽️  🎬  🎥  🎞️  📸 📽️ 🎬

Creating The Queen’s Gambit | Netflix

https://youtu.be/LzDhpEInMIg

Creating The Queen’s Gambit | Netflix

https://youtu.be/CDrieqwSdgI

🎬  🎥  🎞️ 📽️  🎬  🎥  🎞️  📸 📽️ 🎬

[fingerboy4-blog]

What Is a Car Facelift? Can They conserve Me money?

cosmetic treatments

Content

Cryo Facial.

Applications as Well As treatments.

appointment.

Fat Freezing In Norwich.

Skin identifies removal.

Our Cryo Options.

Botox and Also Vivo have Actually helped

Cryo Facial.

For https://penzu.com/p/93cc6342 , they can get pregnant on their own through in vitro fertilization. in which they have a fallopian tube that is open so that the sperm can travel to the egg.

Is it possible to have no cellulite?

But it depends on the grade of cellulite you have. There are four grades, ranging from zero to three: Grade zero is no visible cellulite. If you pinch the skin and see a cottage cheese–like texture—that's grade one. Grade two is if cellulite is visible on the legs of someone standing.

There are a variety of lasers that are used to burn off skin. Although they are used mostly for cosmetic purposes, they can be used for very large skin tags, as well as small ones that are causing problems. They work by using a high energy beam to burn off the skin.

Applications and treatments.

There are many different ways that you can get to ovulate on time and improve your chances of conceiving. These include things such as taking fertility drugs, eating a healthy diet, quitting smoking, getting plenty of rest, and having a regular menstrual cycle.

If you want to get pregnant, you may need to talk to your doctor about something called a Follistim, a pill that will help you get to ovulate. on time. It will help to increase your chances of getting pregnant, but if you are trying to get pregnant for other reasons than fertility, you should discuss this with your doctor.

examination.

One method of skin tag removal that is gaining popularity these days is garlic. Garlic helps to reduce inflammation, as well as help make skin look younger. To remove a skin tag, simply insert garlic into the skin at the base of the tag, cover the area with an adhesive bandage, and cover the area overnight with warm water.

How do you get rid of cellulite under your butt?

Try This: 9 Tips and Tricks to Get Rid of Butt Cellulite 1. Step up. 2. Pop squat. 3. Glute bridge. 4. Jump lunges. 5. Walking lunge. 6. Dumbbell squat to deadlift. 7. Diet. 8. Hydration. More items•

Fat Freezing In Norwich.

When you have a healthy lifestyle, it will help you and your baby when you are trying to get pregnant. You should also eat a healthy diet, get plenty of exercise, and take a daily supplement that includes vitamins and minerals. The foods and supplements that you need to get to become pregnant are all found naturally within your body, so you shouldn't worry about getting them from a food that you like.

You may also want to look into applying vitamin E directly onto the skin at the base of the tag. This is a common treatment that works well and is not painful in any way. Simply apply a little bit of vitamin E to the base of the tag. Let it sit for about half an hour before washing it off. Repeat the process as necessary to keep the skin healthy and looking great.

Skin marks removal.

Facial fillers are best used to deal with early signs of aging in more youthful individuals, normally those under 50 years of age.

Among our leading plastic surgeons can advise you regarding one of the most suitable facelift treatment for the outcome you wish to achieve.

Because the procedure gives such a change, our people typically tell us just how much younger they really feel and also how the surgical procedure has actually provided an entire brand-new lease of life.

Fillers supply a quicker, more affordable, non-invasive treatment with marginal healing time yet they are short-lived, long lasting in between six months to 2 years.

People who have deep folds up of skin on the sides of the nose and mouth, drooping cheeks, or a dual chin are probably to gain from a face lift.

There are different procedures and alternatives offered for different components of the face and neck, including the eyelids and a brow lift.

A facelift works to tighten up and also lift the soft cells in your face and also neck, which can start to droop as you grow older.

Treatments aren't for everyone and they don't work for everyone. If you are trying to get pregnant, it's important that you talk to your doctor and make sure you are not trying to get pregnant for something other than fertility. But there are ways that you can get to become pregnant.

How can I tone my thighs fast?

10 exercises for toned legs 1. Squats. The squat is one of the best exercises to tone legs. 2. Lunges. Lunges work your thighs, butt, and abs. 3. Plank leg lifts. Regular planks target the upper body, core, and hips. 4. Single-leg deadlifts. 5. Stability ball knee tucks. 6. Step-ups. 7. 7. Box jumps. 8. Speedskater jumps. More items•

For others, though, they have no way of getting to this point and this is the method that they use for getting pregnant. This is a natural way that will help the couple get pregnant as quickly as possible.

The next step to getting the job done is to wash the area and rinse it off with warm water. After rinsing, allow the garlic to soak in the warm water overnight. Repeat the process of washing and soaking overnight to get the best results. https://thumbrock9.webs.com/apps/blog/show/49419338-how-much-does-a-facelift-expense-what-is-a-mini-facelift-and-also-for-how-long-does-it-last- can also try putting a cup of apple cider vinegar into the hot water you used overnight so you will have a thick paste to use to help remove the skin tags. This is a very popular method, so make sure you take the time to read through the instructions before using it.

What causes cellulite?

Little is known about what causes cellulite. It involves fibrous connective cords that tether the skin to the underlying muscle, with the fat lying between. As fat cells accumulate, they push up against the skin, while the long, tough cords pull down. This creates an uneven surface or dimpling.

If you get your period three to five times per month, it will take you longer to conceive. A demand treatment may help you increase your chances of getting pregnant by helping to increase the monthly cycle to make it easier for you to conceive. You should also avoid eating or drinking late before your period begins, as this can make conception more difficult.

Another option for using apple cider vinegar is to mix some with some lavender oil. The best thing about this is that it will not burn your skin. The reason why this is better than rubbing the garlic is because of the garlic's sensitivity to burning. To use this method, just apply a thin layer of the mixture over the entire tag and let it soak overnight. For the best results, you should do this on a regular basis.

Why are my thighs so flabby?

Saggy skin may be caused by aging and significant or rapid weight loss. If you want to get rid of the loose thigh skin, you should include the exercises that focus on your thighs into your workout routine.

Fertility drugs are one of the most commonly used in infertility treatments. Fertility drugs can work very well when taken together with natural fertility products such as a demand treatment. The natural fertility product will help increase your chances of becoming pregnant and will also provide you with a healthier body during pregnancy.

If you want to have more than one child, you should try to get pregnant using a regular menstrual cycle. In other words, you should get your period every month or even several times a month. Your doctor may give you some advice on how to get to this point.

The last tip is to talk to your doctor about a femiwand treatment, if you want to increase your chances of conceiving. There are many different ways that your doctor can help you to increase your chances of conceiving. and this includes things like getting to ovulate on time and taking fertility drugs. If you have any questions, it's important that you talk to your doctor.

You can also look into removing skin tags by using some home remedies, which you can purchase over the counter or even at a drug store. If you do not want to try one of these methods, there are a number of surgical procedures available. and most of these can be done in a hospital setting.

Skin tags can be a nuisance that has been plaguing people for generations, but if you are looking to get them removed there are several methods that you can use to get the job done. All of the options discussed below are completely safe, easy to use, and effective.

[hollyteague]

Adult Acne Battle - £3000 Later (What I’ve Learned)

If you HAVEN’T struggled with Adult Acne - congratulations! Long may it last! The below is less relevant for occasional breakouts, but you still might find some bits useful... here is a table of contents so you can skip ahead.

NB: I am a normal person with 0 skincare qualifications, the below is my advice based on my own experience.

1. Intro

2. General Useful Info

3. Active Acne: Drugs from Docs

4. Easy Fixes/General Well-Being

5. General Rules

6. Acne Scarring (Clinical Treatment, Home Remedies)

7. Recommended Brands

8. Points of Interest

Intro

... it’s all you see in the mirror and every photo... it feels like a constant battle against yourself, you feel unhealthy and it actually REALLY HURTS. ... And it makes no sense, because you NEVER struggled with acne at school?! And you’re 25?! Life is hard enough!!!

Good News: you DON’T deserve it. Here is a list of things I’ve tried/researched and paid for (🤦‍♀️) so that you can explore some options with much less financial upheaval.

Bad News: it’s probs going to take 6-12 months before you see some results/work out what’s most beneficial to you. Sorry! But - slowly slowly catchy monkey & you will learn SO MUCH MORE than people with good skin in the process (knowledge = power) ... think that’s the only positive thing I can offer right now.

General Useful Info

- Your skin takes between 26-30 days to completely regenerate

- Your face is 64% water... DRINK DRINK DRINK

- LESS. IS. MORE. If you have problem skin, you are the beauty industry’s DREAAAAAM. There are SO many brands, SO many treatments and SO many people wanting to help, and you will pay ANYTHING for better skin. Proceed with caution! (Recommends for what I believe is “worth” considering are at the end of this doc)

- FROM NOW ON, use ONE cleanser TWICE a day & ONE moisturiser TWICE a day, then ONE scrub to be used ONCE a week. Even LESS if possible

- As an NB to the above 👆🏻 right now, you may well be making things worse (sorry). I visited a dermatologist who reminded me that the skin I do the LEAST with (he used my inner thigh as an example ... bit dodge 🤨) is currently the healthiest. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a problem, but does highlight the importance of giving yourself a break. Scrubs and I washes will really really irritate if used excessively.

Active Acne: Drugs from the Docs

(... because it’s NOT normal and it’s been going on FOREVER and the NHS need to sort it out and life isn’t FAIR 👊 💕 🌈 )

- LEVEL 1 - “Zineryt” - antibiotic which you apply to the skin. Note: you’re really only treating the epidermis here but if used in conjunction with:

- LEVEL 2 - Oral Antibiotics (various names) - internally treat 👍 you need at LEAST a three month course for this to be beneficial, and I don’t personally believe that using one without the other (oral and topical) would have much of an effect. They need to happen together

- LEVEL 3 - “Benzoyl peroxide” ... this really stings 😣 works as an antiseptic to reduce bacteria. NB: “peroxide” = bleach 🤢 😳 This is effective almost immediately but definitely causes skin irritation, and needs to be applied regularly... ie, regular stingy stingy. For some people, surface bacteria is the cause (even post-washing) so this treatment is a life-saver!

- LEVEL 4 - DUN DUN DUUUUUN - 🧙‍♀️ “Roaccutane” also known as “ Rizuderm” or “Isotretinoin” ... “when all else fails”. This is a nasty naaaasty drug and there are lots of waivers to sign before taking including promising not to get pregnant! I did not take this medication (although I was eligible) because it is highly dehydrating, and I didn’t know what effect it might have on my voice. However, I have three friends who have undergone the course, and aside from having to bath in coconut oil ever day, it was by FAR the most effective treatment. IMO, this is absolutely a last resort - read the side effects and decide if you really HAVE tried everything else before going to argue with a doctor 👩‍⚕️ 👨‍⚕️ 💕 they don’t particularly like prescribing it either

- For women, contraceptives willllllll be discussed as they’re the cheapest & easiest of the hormonal offerings (combi pill recommended for adult acne). This is really a personal preference thing, DONT feel pressured into switching like it’s the ONLY option. Try to keep a log of any significant skin changes through the month (even if you’re on a pill where you don’t bleed 🩸yum!) and if you HAVE recently switched contraceptives, it’ll take a good 6 months for things to settle/work through your body

- Topical Retinoids (various names) - discussed later under “Home Treatments” but occasionally prescribed by doctors... much less popular and much less effective for very active acne IMO

Easy Fixes/General Well-Being

- Try to drink a minimum of 2litres of water per day - much more if you are exercising. For every caffeinated or alcoholic drink, you -2 glasses of water 🍷 ☕️ ☹️💔 keep drinking! (Water, not wine!) Permanently attach a straw!

- Vitamins with biotin & keratin can really help (if you’re good at taking vitamins!) although I’m sceptical (I don’t think a keratin deficiency is the root cause of acne) & results are too slow for someone like me. However, if you DO have brittle nails/thinner hair, it may be worth considering

- Usual Mantra - happy body, happy mind - and undoubtedly better skin. Feed the machine good foods, and be mindful of sugar content, which really will have a direct effect. NB: Post-workout glow is definitely a thing! 💪

- Adult acne can often be a sign of something going on internally... have a health check & gets some bloods done. Initially I was diagnosed with early menopause (yikes!) but after additional tests I was told I (like lots of women) have PCOS. Not life threatening, but very useful information that I would have really appreciated a good 5 years ago 🤦‍♀️ and now shapes a lot of my diet/approach to health

General Rules

- Try not to touch your face/back/areas with breakout. Even clean fingers will transfer additional oils

- If you have a spot NEVER. EVER. EVER “pop” it!!! Leave it ALONE until it comes to a head, then use a sterile needle to make one SINGLE hole and gently squeeze. The more you pop, the more scarring you will have

- Wash face twice a day - once additionally if you exercise (try to wash as quickly as possible after you run to rebalance pH).

- Use medium temperature water. If you need to open pours or want to help a spot along 🤦‍♀️ use a hot towel on the one area rather than across your whole face, and make sure you finish with a cold compress to close everything back up again

- Invest in a silicone sponge to wash your face (link attached) they are cheap and help to keep hands away & bacteria at bay. There are lots of expensive silicone products (eg foreo luna have a silicone range that also vibrates ... I have one, it feels nice, but it’s just a gimmick!). Get rid of any muslin cloths/face flannels you’ve previously invested in

- Use ONE moisturiser, ONCE a day and make sure it has a good SPF. Brands recommended under ... “Recommended Brands”

- Exfoliation &/ glamorous face mask MAXIMUM once a week. (Less is more less is more less is more). Again, see “Recommended Brands”

- ... Ahhhhhh lovely makeup covering all of those unlovely lumps and bumps and then making additional lumps and bumps 🤦‍♀️ MINERAL MAKE UP ONLY, HENCEFORTH. And whatever happens, do NOT fall asleep in it.

Acne Scarring

😔😔😔😔 (when the battle is kind of (mostly) over, you realise this is the hardest bit to fix).

If you have scarring AND still have active acne, DONT BOTHER WITH ANY OF THE BELOW. There’s really no point. Get the initial problem under control, THEN you can start thinking about how you’re going to get yourself to bare faced freedom.

Clinic Treatments

- LEVEL 1 - “Milk Peel”- the least abrasive chemical peel... between 4 & 8 treatments recommended, each treatment lasts about 45 mins. Lovely experience! No makeup for 24 hours and healthy skin looks kind of glowy for a day or two......... however, absolutely zero effect on scarring (total cost, £200!)

- LEVEL 2 - “Chemical Chemical Peel” - this was called a “Cosmo” - no idea what that means really other than it hurt MORE than the milk peel and left my significantly more red, with peeling etc. These treatments definitely DID have an effect, and perhaps with another round of 4, I would be a disciple... I really feel that the aftercare is annoying though... and it really is an uncomfortable procedure (acid on the face... yeah... hmmm). Cost - £250 for 4 appointments

- LEVEL 3 - “Micro Needling” - NOW. THIS ONE, if you can afford it, makes the most sense. Essentially, the needle re-damages the skin, encouraging it to re-heal itself, promoting collagen and elastin in the process. Hurts less than a chemical peel too 😂🤦‍♀️ course of 4 - £400. Excellent. 🤦‍♀️😒

- LEVEL 4 - “Laser Skin Resurfacing” ... I’m too poor to try this, but I would imagine the results are amazing .... it’s a laser, and it re-surfaces your skin, so 🧙‍♀️. Single Treatment, costs range from £600-£1000. Advice: GO TO A DERMATOLOGIST. I’m sure cheaper alternatives are available at salons and I’m SURE all salon practitioners are registered and hygienic but ... again - IT’S A LASER... ON YOUR FACE.

Yum yum yum - after most of these treatments, you might be asked if you want to sit under a LED Light Box - say yes! It takes 15 mins ish and kills bacteria.

DON’T BOTHER WITH:

- Dermaplaning! You might not be eligible anyway if you have particularly bad scarring.... lovely treatment with many benefits, but won’t fix anything

- Microdermabrasion! As above! Also really might not be a good idea if your skin is particularly sensitive after all the lotions and potions you’ve been using to try & clear up all that acne

- Any kind of facial that claims to use super special fancy lotions. It will be a lovely experience, but it will do very little.

Home Treatments

- The Ordinary (see “Recommended Brands”) have an exfoliating peel (ONCE A WEEK. ONCE A WEEK!) which does certainly lift and brighten - search for “AHA 30% + BHA 2% Peeling Solution” (easy to type, eh)

- Retinols ... to be used with caution. The Ordinary provide an affordable range of %s - retinol works to increase cell renewal and tackle blemishes and pigmentation... Start a lower % and be super careful to use an SPF. If you have active acne, avoid - it will irritate it further

- Home Derma-Rollers - similar concept to the microneedling treatment, but you MUST. MUST. Keep your equipment sterile and keep rolling to a MINIMUM. Every two weeks is still too much! Give your skin a break!!!!!! Rome wasn’t built in a day!

Recommended Brands

- Bare Minerals, for all make up. Other mineral brands are available, but I like the ethos of Bare & the customer service they provide is second to none. They will give you lots of samples to try, and ALL of their staff are real brand pioneers. They’ll also do you a full face of makeup with no appointment, which is very much appreciated on a bad day. Love u Bare Minerals 💕 (Cost: Mid-Range)

- For me, Dermalogica is the one and only skincare brand 💋💋 It’s the easiest of all and feels like a professional product at all times. You only need ONE cleanser (Ultra Calming, to calm me down - thanking you) ONE moisturiser (more options available, but I would stick with Active Moist) and ONE exfoliator/scrub (Daily Microfoliant is fine, but - don’t use daily 🤦‍♀️). For heavier make up wearers, Precleanse Oil is a blessing. Again - samples available and if you go to a department store, lots of advice will be offered. Don’t be seduced by serums. (Cost: Mid-High Range)

- The Ordinary (mentioned above) are kind of cool because they just sell the BASIC product ingredients, making them much cheaper. Woohoo! You can concoct your OWN lotions and potions, how exciting! However, proceed with caution: you may find you end up a failed skin scientist, as lots of the chemicals will cancel each other out/won’t be effective. Eg. Vitamin C Suspension with Retinol in Squalene which you might be tempted to use after some research. There are articles available online to help with this

- CHEAPEST OF ALL - “Kaeso” (available online) sells a box containing cleanser, toner, moisturiser, exfoliator and mask for approx £20. The “Rebalancing” collection is for problem skin, although the hydrating collection may also be nice to try. You get SO much product for so little here, but IMO, if you have particularly bad acne, the cleanser actually isn’t strong enough. Useful to have in the cupboard though/when payday feels a long way away.

- Other brands: Juliette Armand (Cleanser & Moisturiser yum yum!) ZO Skin Health (although these are usually salon based only) Environ (far superior, but less affordable for me!). Again - you only need ONE cleanser & ONE moisturiser, then ONE scrub to be used ONCE a week!!!

Dermalogica, The Ordinary, Kaeso Beauty & Bare Minerals are all cruelty free paraben free microbead free formaldehyde free etc etc but more research needs to be taken with other recommended brands. NB: If you choose to use a moisturiser/makeup that doesn’t contain an SPF, you WILL need an SPF additionally, even on a cloudy day ☁️ Embrace the Vit D but say no to sun damage

Points of Interest

- Male & Female skin have different structures and will respond differently to different products and treatments. Most notable, male skin is about 25% thicker so much tougher, which more sebum production ie. guys are more prone to blackheads.

- There is much research being done into the acne occurrence as a predictable side effect of masculinizing hormonal therapy in transgender patients, after six months or more of testosterone treatment. More research necessary but I HAVE read that antibios have proved to be effective, as well as low doses of Isotretinoin, although this is far less likely to be prescribed due to anxiety/depression side effects.

- Super weird - peanut butter (aside from having high fat & sugar levels ... brand dependent obvs) CAN sometimes contain androgens (male sex hormones) ... give it a google, it’s all a bit strange but might lead you to cutting down

- Toothpaste DOES help to dry problem spots out ... the cheaper the brand the better 😂 🦷

[thegreywarren]

i was tagged by @mayahamouche Thank you lovely 💖✨the distraction I needed!

1. what is the color of your hairbrush? black

2. a food you never eat? Idk how to translate them they are traditional dishes made from different parts of beef and they are just nasty!

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? too cold, always.

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? writing my research paper 

5. what is your favorite candy bar? Galaxy caramel at the moment

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event? Yep

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? “4000 words for the first part?? this is insane!” I’m loosing my sanity because of this research paper don’t judge me.

8. what is your favorite ice cream? pistachio, there is no way it can go wrong, it’s always the safe decision. 

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? water 

10. do you like your wallet? meh.

11. what was the last thing you ate? a biscuit. 

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? I can’t leave the house so nope.   

13. the last sporting event you watched? derby between the most popular teams in my country.

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? plain? pop them and put some salt in it, that’s all.

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? Laurine 💕

16. ever go camping? yes! and I was making plans with my friends before this whole thing started :(

17. do you take vitamins? yesssss. Living that multiple vitamin deficiency life like a queen.

18. do you go to church every sunday? well my religion has nothing to do with a church lol but I don’t practice it if that’s what this question is asking.

19. do you have a tan? I wish... 

20. do you prefer chinese food or pizza? Pizza!!

21. do you drink your soda with a straw? not always

22. what color socks do you usually wear? They are all have different designs on them. I don’t own a plain colored sock, life is already boring I spice it up a little with my socks. (I’m really serious about my socks can you tell?)

23. ever drive above the speed limit? well... yeah. But I don’t drive anymore because I’m a terrible driver.

24. what terrifies you? all the things (Maya I’m just gonna keep your answer because MOOD.)

25. look to your left, what do you see? My Iron pills... 

26. what chore do you hate? Cleaning the toilet...

27. what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? H2O

28. what’s your favorite soda? Sprite Idk. I stick to water or wine (there is no in between)

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru?  In.

30. who’s the last person you talked to? my best friend.

31. favorite cut of beef? nope.

32. last song you listened to? The predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us! by Sufjan stevens

33. last book you read? Qoaad.

34. favorite day of the week? Friday

35. can you say the alphabet backwards? I just tried and no :/

36. do you like your coffee? black, like my soul (sorry)

37. favorite pair of shoes? my docs

38. at what time do you normally go to bed? time is a construct of human perception.

39. at what time do you normally get up? time is a construct of human perception x2

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? Sunrise.

41. how many blankets are on your bed? 3...

42. describe your kitchen plates. light blue and round. 

43. do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage? wine!

44. do you play cards? yes and I’m bad at it but at least it’s fun

45. what color is your car? I like how this question assumes I can afford one

46. can you change a tire? ha ha ha ha yeah...no.

47. what is your favorite province? no thoughts head empty.

48. favorite job you’ve ever had? being a translator for french teachers  in my old high-school.

49. how did you get your biggest scar? I was being my silly chaotic child self and I hit my head on the cupboard. In conclusion: 4 stitches on my forehead.

50. what did you do today that made someone else happy? washed the dishes...

i’ll tag @peoniesandsmiles , @sanderdriesn and @alllayable feel free to ignore of course!✨

[vita-rays]

AM/ PM Skincare Routine

So first of all I’m going to apologize for taking like a month to do this post when I said I’d do it in a few days.  I got pneumonia a few days after making my last post, then had bad reactions to multiple medicines I was taking for my asthma, then I got an ear infection, and then Friday I got a 24hr stomach flu thing but!!! I’m here to finally share my current skincare routine that has helped me clear my skin and keep it cleared, while also keeping it balanced! (I have combination and acne-prone skin)

So let’s get into it!!!

AM Routine

So for my morning routine I try to keep it simple, so it only has about five steps.

1. CeraVe Foaming Cleanser. I LOVE this cleanser.  It doesn’t foam up as much as other foaming cleansers, so it doesn’t strip my skin and leave it feeling super dry and tight and it’s non-comedogenic, so it won’t clog your pores or cause more acne if your skin is prone to that.  Along with this, it has a lot of moisturizing ingredients that make your skin super soft!!

2. Thayers Witch Hazel Aloe Vera Toner with Cucumber. This toner is awesome if you have acne or sensitive skin.  It doesn’t dry out your skin like plain witch hazel does because of the aloe and cucumber, and those ingredients also help calm the skin instead of just making it dry.

3. Benton Snail Bee High Content Essence. I started using this a couple months ago after seeing a lot of good reviews for it.  I was hesitant though because of the fact that it’s made of bee venom and snail mucin, which sounds scary and gross, but gOD is this stuff worth it.  It has a more gel like consistency than a lot of other essences, but it doesn’t go on super thick or sticky.  It really helps balance my skin and helps to keep the oily parts of my face from getting too oily and also moisturizes the dryer parts.

4. CeraVe Eye Repair Cream. CeraVe is gonna pop up a lot in this post because I love their products so much.  I have sensitive skin, especially around my eyes so thicker and fragranced eye creams make my eyes burn real bad.  This eye cream is thick, but it’s unscented and gentle so it doesn’t bother my eyes AND it actually works (it takes a couple weeks to see results though).

5. Garnier SkinActive SPF 30 Moisturizer with Hyaluronic Acid. I’ve been using this moisturizer daily for a couple years now.  It’s kind of runny and not super thick, so it doesn’t make my skin super oily.  It also doesn’t leave a white cast on my skin like a lot of other moisturizing sun screens (like CeraVe’s does, unfortunately).  It has a slight fragrance, but it’s light enough that it doesn’t bother my skin.

And that’s it for my morning routine!  It’s super short and only takes like 10 minutes MAX.  My night routine is a lot more involved though, lol.

PM Routine  

Okay so my nightly routine is literally just... so extra and I absolutely love it.

1. L’Oreal Micellar Cleansing Water. I wear a lot of waterproof eye makeup and using the cleansing oil I use on the rest of my face mess with my eyes, so a couple weeks ago I started using this take my eye makeup off and it works pretty good!  You don’t have to do a lot of rubbing and it doesn’t make my eyes super dry.  The only thing is that it leaves a kind of oily feeling behind for a few minutes, but I usually rinse it off anyways.

2. The Face Shop Natural Rice Water Light Cleansing Oil. This cleansing oil is step one in my double cleansing (which everyone should be doing) has been in my nightly routine for like.... a year or two now?  And it’s awesome.  It’s light enough that it doesn’t clog my pores like some of the thicker cleansing oils do.  It gets pretty much all of the makeup off my face and makes my skin feel super soft as well!  Rice water is really good for fading the dark spots that acne leaves behind and I think this has been one of the key products that’s helped me with that!

3. CeraVe Foaming Cleanser. 

4. Exfoliate/ masks. On Tuesdays and Fridays I exfoliate with Ebanel Ultimate Brightening Peeling Gel.  This is only the second peeling gel I’ve tried but I like it.  Peeling gels are way better for your skin than physical exfoliants because they don’t scrape and rub at the skin.  It sounds gross but when you rub a peeling gel on your skin it picks up the dead skin cells and turns them into these little... pills of grossness that you rinse off with water.  On pretty much every other day of the week I use a mask, and I’ll try to make a post about my favorites soon!

5. Thayers Witch Hazel Aloe Vera Toner with Cucumber. 

6. Instanatural Vitamin C Facial Toner. So I use a second toner in my PM routine because I wanted to add vitamin C into my routine because it’s good for fading dark spots and minimizing the look of pores and lemme tell you this stuff is amazing.  It makes my skin feel so soft and helped with my acne, acne marks, and pores in like a week.

7. Benton Snail Bee High Content Essence. 

8. Nature Republic Soothing Moisture Aloe Vera 92%. Aloe vera is really, really good for people with sensitive skin and acne.  It’s super lightweight and soothing and no matter how hot wherever you keep it is, it’s always going to feel cool on your skin when you put it on.  I’ve also noticed that it’s helped fade my dark spots too, which is awesome.  Also, this stuff is super cheap and you get a lot of it, too, because I got the tub I’m using around this time last year and I’m just now starting to finish it up.

9. The Ordinary Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1%. This is a recent addition to my PM routine, but boy howdy is it a good one.  I always kind of thought that The Ordinary was over hyped, but it’s so worth they hype.  It’s cheap and it works!  This serum is specifically for acne-prone skin and it helped clear up my skin when I was taking like three different steroids when I had pneumonia a couple weeks ago, that’s how good it is.

10. Complete Organics Organic Marula Oil. Okay I know it seems really counter intuitive to use an oil as thick as marula oil on acne-prone and combination/ oily skin, but hear me out.  Using non-comedogenic oils on your skin can actually help your skin produce less oils.  When you put oils like jojoba oil or marula oil on your skin, it kind of tricks your skin into believing that there’s already enough oil, so it won’t produce as much, so moisturizes the skin without clogging up your pores.  Marula oil is also high in fatty acids that really hydrate your skin and reduce redness.  It’s also good for fine lines AND makes your skin super smooth as well!

11. CeraVe Eye Repair Cream.

12. CeraVe Skin Renewing Cream Serum. This has got to be my all-time favorite skin care product because it targets so many different things.  I started using it after reading that retinol can help with acne and minimizing the look of pores, but I wanted to get a retinol that wouldn’t dry my skin out, as a lot of strong retinols have the tendency to leave skin dry, red, and flaky.  This serum has hyaluronic acid along with moisturizing ceramides in it that prevents this from happening.  I started using this also about a year ago, and even though it didn’t work immediately and it alone didn’t clear my skin, it’s one of the major products that did.  If I go even a day or two without using this my skin starts to act up again, so it’s definitely one of the major players in my skincare routine.  All the moisturizing ingredients in it also make my skin feel super smooth and soft, which is another plus!

13. AcneFree Sulfur Mask. AcneFree is one of the best drugstore brands I’ve come across, no lie.  I don’t use this as an actual mask because sulfur is too drying for my skin, but I do use this as a night time spot treatment and it works so well!

So that’s my AM and PM skin care routines.  My nighttime routine is SUPER long, and probably looks super intimidating to some of you who are just getting into skin care, but let me just say that:

1) I didn’t start out my journey in skin care with this long-ass routine.  I’ve built this routine over the last 3 or 4 years by slowly adding more products to it.  No matter how excited you are about starting a routine, introducing a huge number of new products to your skin is going to make it angry.  It’s better to slowly add more products over a couple of weeks or even months so that if your skin starts acting up, you know what product caused that, and so that your skin will have time to get used to a product before you add a new one

2) It’s so worth it.  Having a long skin care routine might seem time consuming and annoying, but after you see the results of all of your hard work, you’re going to start loving it.   Like it’s nice to be able to see my skin finally clear up after 12 years of struggling with my acne and skin problems and I absolutely love coming home after work and doing this routine because it’s super relaxing and it just feels nice to pamper myself, especially after a really hard or stressful day.

Taking care of your skin is super important and even if you don’t develop a huge routine like these, just doing the basics of cleansing, toning, moisturizing, and applying sunscreen is going to help your skin so much!

[izupie]

‘Beep Beep Beep’ - Chapter 9 - Tranquility

This is a different kind of chapter, but hopefully you all like the result. I was very pleased with it in the end (it went through many versions and rewrites aaa) 

I can’t believe it’s all nearly over ! This has been such a crazy journey and I am so happy and excited whenever I post a new chapter - thank you all for sticking with me!

((What gratuitous shower scene I have no idea what you’re talking aBoUT))

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>>>[Izupie’s ko-fi] - your support is hugely appreciated;; <3 <3

>>>[Izupie’s AO3] - please consider checking out my other Izuocha works too?

>>>[AO3 Link to Beep Beep Beep] - If you want to go to the start~

>>>[AO3 Link to the newest chapter] - Here it is! Chapter 9!<<<

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A persistent buzzing sound woke Izuku up gently. He blinked in confusion and looked over to where it was coming from – a tiny blinking green light on his bedside table revealed his phone was the culprit. Oh, he’d got a message.

He’d turned his phone onto silent mode since the day he’d got it, so he didn’t even know what any of its tones sounded like. It wasn’t like anybody ever contacted him on it except his mom anyway, so he’d never had a problem with leaving it on his bedside table while he slept. He didn’t think it had ever gone off during the night before. It was odd for something like a phone vibration to wake him up though, since he slept so deeply.

Izuku pushed himself upright and reached for his phone.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Izuku jumped and slammed his hand onto his alarm. It had startled him so badly that his phone had slipped right out of his fingers and clattered to the floor between the bed and the table.

His heart was still pounding as he picked up the old clock and checked the cracked display; it read ‘5:00’ in softly glowing red. That explained why his phone had been able to wake him up – his body clock usually got him up around this time anyway, even if there was a rare occasion that he didn’t set an alarm. He let out a small huff as he tried in vain to turn down the volume, but the button for it had broken a long time ago. When it woke him up through sleep it seemed quieter somehow. He tapped the volume button harder, but it still did nothing, so Izuku placed the clock back onto his table in defeat. It had been stuck at maximum for quite a while but hearing its broken volume properly for the first time made him suddenly very conscious of his neighbours. The sound wouldn’t be able to travel that loudly through walls would it?

Izuku ruffled his hair and threw off his duvet.

He really needed a new alarm clock.

Izuku stretched his arms above his head, feeling the satisfying pop of sleep-settled bones in his back and elbows, and absentmindedly rubbed his scarred arm as he glanced guiltily over at his to-do list, catching sight of the reminder to ring his mom. Maybe he’d offer for her to have the clock back instead of throwing it away? She got overly emotionally attached to stuff like that. (Which was why she had a loft filled with an embarrassing amount of boxes of baby photos and old toys.) But that would kind of feel like he was returning her gift, despite it being years old… He supposed there was space on one of his comic book shelves in the living room… It could live there as a memory of moving out to university rather than as an actual functioning clock, since the display was cracked too.

Maybe he’d grown to become overly emotionally attached to stuff too and hadn’t even realised it. His mom had always joked that the only thing he’d inherited from her was her height, but he knew from the sad smile she gave the photo in her purse (when she thought he wasn’t looking) that deep down it didn’t really bother her to think that he was more of his father than her.

Not that he knew much about him.

Izuku splashed cold water onto his face and rubbed it dry vigorously with a towel. Yesterday had been a stressful day, so he was feeling a little more tired than usual. At least getting up on time meant he had plenty of time for his standard morning routine.

He was trying desperately not to think of Ochako, but in trying not to think of her it of course meant she was all he could think about. 

He put on his gym clothes and tried to focus on the workout routine he was going to do; he’d read a great post on Instagram about a training set that would put more focus on his core muscles. It sounded like it was going to be tough, but he relished the challenge. Though he probably wasn’t going to be quite so enthusiastic about it when he was complaining about his aching body to Denki in the ambulance later.

Izuku checked his watch and grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl on his kitchen table while the kettle boiled. It was definitely a coffee morning. The banana was a little browner than he would have liked - since he hadn’t gone shopping in a while and he often neglected to eat the fruit he bought, despite insisting on always keeping the fruit bowl full - but it was the energy that he needed. Still waiting for his old and slow kettle to boil, Izuku opened his cupboard and winced at the baskets of pills and first aid kits he still had stashed away in there. He really needed to sort it all out. Some of that stuff was probably out of date. He picked up a box of vitamin supplements and swallowed a little vitamin tablet down dry. He’d been very prone to accidents and illnesses as a child, and he’d been so scared about dying and leaving his mom all alone that he’d developed anxiety towards his health. When he’d moved out of his mom’s house he’d taken all of his remedies with him, though he’d slowly started needing them less and less.

Nobody ever would have believed he would end up being a paramedic; meek little Izuku who visited the doctor’s every other week with his injuries and maladies. Toshinori was the only one who truly believed that he could do it. Even his own mom had been concerned about how he would deal with surrounding himself with the very thing he’d been falling into his whole life. But that had been part of the reason he’d wanted to do it. In the end it was his own experiences and hard work that had helped him to grow beyond his anxieties and his accident-prone nature, and now Ochako had opened a whole other world of life outside of his work that he was excited to explore too. Friendship and enjoying someone else’s company… preferably hers.

Izuku shook his head to stop that train of thought while he added a touch of cold water to his steaming mug of coffee and downed it all in one go.

He couldn’t wait for her to come back, but he hoped she was doing okay and getting some quality time to heal up, though he was sure her parents would be taking good care of her.

The door locked with a definitive click behind him as he turned the key to his apartment, then he took off at a brisk jog down the corridor.

--------------------

It was only when Izuku finally made it into the ambulance that he remembered his cell phone. Denki was lounging in the passenger seat, cursing and swiping his finger on his own phone.

“C’mon, be a shiny, be a shiny. Damn- it’s not shiny. Gonna catch you anyway for leading me on- Hey, you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost bro.” Denki continued to swipe virtual pokéballs across the screen on Pokémon Go, not even appearing to look up as Izuku settled into the driver’s seat. (It was his turn to drive.)

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” he sighed, “I just saw your phone and remembered that I got a message on mine this morning, but I dropped it before I could check it. So it’s currently still sandwiched somewhere between my bed and the bedside table.”

Denki hissed between his teeth. “Man, I’d be losing my mind if that was me. I didn’t think you’d be that bothered though, don’t you leave it in your locker while we’re on shift anyway?”

“Yeah, but what if someone needed me! And I’m sitting here with no idea. I should have checked it,” Izuku lamented, placing his forehead on the steering wheel. What if it had been Ochako?

“What if it was your girlfriend?” Denki finally looked up from his phone, somehow echoing Izuku’s thoughts.

“Sh-She’s not my-” Izuku jolted upright and waved his hands in a fluster but stopped as he saw the grin on his friend’s face. “Evil,” he mumbled with narrowed eyes.

Denki laughed. “Ah, you’re too easy, bro. I should feel bad ‘cause you’re such an easy target.”

Izuku put his forehead back onto the steering wheel with a tiny thud. “Thanks.”

Denki laughed louder and patted Izuku’s shoulder playfully, then leant back in his chair and folded his arms. His voice was uncharacteristically serious when he said, “Dude. Listen to me. I know all about relationships and-”

“I thought you’d never actually been in a relationship?” Izuku pointed out from the steering wheel.

“Fu- that’s- hey, that’s literally not even important to the point I’m making, okay. I could have had a relationship before now. I’m not afraid of flying solo, so I’m just biding my time until someone meets my crazy high standards.” Denki pouted. “Anyway, I’m trying to have like. A moment here. Bro to bro. So…”

“Oh, yeah, sorry. Go on, I’m listening.” Izuku could barely hide the amusement out of his voice. He smiled as he sat back up to give his friend his full attention.

Denki cleared his throat a little. “Look, it’s simple - you just need to ask her out.”

“I’ve been trying to,” Izuku groaned wearily. That’s his big advice?

“Well try harder!” Denki gripped a fist in front of him in a battle pose.

Izuku was about to protest that he’d been trying as hard as he could, but he blinked and thought about it instead. Had he been trying his hardest? At any point he could have asked her out if he’d really gone for it. The times they’d been interrupted, or something had disconnected their schedules… He could have forged ahead and found a way around any obstacle if he’d really put his mind to it. That’s what he was good at. He thought of the flowers currently sitting in a saucepan of water on his kitchen table (on account of him not owning any vases). Try harder… That had been a step in the right direction but… It was such simple advice, but maybe Denki was right…

Ochako could have died that day…

The realisation hit him; it was time to be bold.

Denki must have seen that he was seriously considering what he had said because he continued in a smug voice, “See? I know what I’m talking about. From what you’ve told me about her, it sounds like she’s totally into you. Next time you see her you’ve got to go for it man, seize the day, go big or go home!”

“That’s actually... Wow, um, thanks for the advice Denki.” Izuku scratched the back of his neck, affection lighting up his smile. He spent so much time working with Denki that he forgot that they’d already built up a strong bond, just from how much they had to rely on each other and work so closely together. He was a jokester and didn’t take himself or life too seriously, but he was a loyal friend. It made Izuku even more determined to invite his friends to do fun things outside of work.

“You two will be one of those really grossly adorable couples,” Denki added, pulling a face.

Izuku gasped and playfully tapped him on the arm, pretending it was a punch. “Hey!”

Denki grinned and swatted his hand away. “Too easy.”

Usually a call came in while they were taking over from the night shift crew and getting settled into the ambulance, but today the radio was silent. Between incidents they would drive around the local area, ready to attend anything if they were contacted, so Izuku put the vehicle into gear, pulled away from the hospital and followed a familiar route around the city. Denki occasionally got his phone out of his pocket and cursed and muttered about shiny Pokémon.

Izuku could feel the anticipation of getting to his own phone like a background buzz through his mind as he drove. It had been days since he’d been able to work without something on his mind. Ever since he’d met Ochako…

He guessed he needed to prepare for the next seven days being like this. Hopefully they’d be able to stay in touch and it wouldn’t seem that bad.

--------------------

By the time Izuku dragged himself back through his front door they’d attended a vast array of different calls and incidents. He shrugged off his coat and threw it onto the kitchen table, beside the saucepan holding the bouquet of flowers, ruminating on the most notable calls they’d attended as he shuffled into his shower. There was a young woman who’d broken her arm in a horse riding accident, an old couple with scrapes and bruises after a minor car crash, a lucky young boy with some bruises that had fallen out of a tree and terrified his parents, and a middle-aged man who’d had a cardiac arrest at work. Denki had successfully shocked the man’s heart back into a rhythm with the defibrillator, but it had been a stressful call, and had kept them busy long after their shift had supposed to end.

Attending patients like that made Izuku glad that he chose the career he did. Without the two of them that man would certainly have died – cardiac arrest was as bad as it got. But he was safely in the hospital and things were looking positive for him, so Izuku wanted to check on him tomorrow and see how he was doing. It felt good to be able to do that without fear of Kacchan catching him checking in on the patients and yelling at him. The air between them was clearer now, though he suspected Kacchan would never be friendly and pleasant, but that was okay – it’s just the way he is.

Izuku gratefully stood under the shower’s hot spray and sighed. His days were long and hard, but he couldn’t imagine doing anything else. The water soothed his tired muscles and washed away the sweat of a good day’s work, so for a little while he simply stood and let the water run in hot rivers over his skin. He rubbed his scarred arm gently and flexed it up and down, working out the stiffness and aches.

Once he’d rubbed his hair vigorously with a towel and put on a sleeping shirt and some sweatpants, he made his way back into the kitchen, flopped onto a chair, and laid his head on his arms. Not only had it been a busy day, but the new workout he’d tried meant that nearly every muscle was aching, so it would be amazing to eat some quick food and climb into bed-

My phone!

Izuku leaped up from his seat so fast that his chair screeched and fell backwards with a clatter, and he ran to the bedroom, almost sliding to his knees on the carpet in his haste to get down to the floor. His hand groped in the narrow gap between his bed and the small bedside table and he crinkled his nose a little at the feeling of all the dust on the carpet, knowing he hadn’t ever put the hoover down there the whole time he’d lived in the apartment. Finally, he felt his pulse quicken as his fingers closed on something solid.

Izuku pulled it out with a triumphant sound and unlocked the screen. His eyes widened. Eleven new messages. That was more messages than he got in a whole month.

They were all from Ochako.

<Hey Izuku! Just wanted to let you know I’m feeling much better (-^v^-) I think I had too much sleep in the hospital though, I’ve woken up naturally at 5am and I can’t get back to sleep lol>

<I know you always get up at 5 though so I thought I’d say good morning too!>

<Oh the reception here is reallyyyy baaaaad so I can only get a signal when I’m standing at a crazy angle in the bath tub (don’t ask how I found this out) so I can’t get your messages or reply to them very easy (T_T) unless I spend my whole week standing in the bath….. hm…. tempting….…>

<OMG I just remembered the clock in my old room is 10 mins too fast!! I really hope this didn’t wake you up!!! Sorry!!!>

<I guess you’re busy today with work – hope it’s not too bad for you! I’ve been alternating the last few hours between being made to relax on the couch and being sent into the garden for some fresh air. My mom’s favourite cure for like *everything* is Fresh Air,, she says it’s why she’s always ‘healthy as a horse’ lol.>

<My parents are off for the next few days then they’ll be going back to work. I’m hoping to spend some time with my friend Iida when they go back, since he only works until mid-afternoon each day. It’ll be really fun to spend some time with him again! I haven’t told my mom yet but I’m probably going to go and work with her on some of the days next week too. She works on a farm just outside of town, so hopefully I can take a picture of some of the animals and I’ll show you when I get back? I can’t believe my dad still hasn’t got wifi for the house!! And mobile internet around here isn’t even good enough to send you a photo (rip me)>

<Mmmm, just had some home-made stew, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how much you would have loved it!! (>v<) I hope you’re not working too hard Deku! And please eat something filling and wholesome if you are! (I know I know it’s like the pot calling the kettle black) (omg my mom’s terrible small town phrases are rubbing off on me and I’ve only been here one day,,,) (I’ll come back into the city and you won’t be able to understand me!!) Also I finally convinced my mom to stop sending me into the garden now the sun’s going down. I told her I’m feeling better but if I stay out there in the cold too long I’ll just get dick again>

<*SICK>

<I meant SICK!!>

<omg autocorrect nooooo !!!>

<You must have had a really busy day :( :( Just gonna look at my parent’s holiday photos (which’ll make me feel bad that they came home early because of me…) and then go to bed. Hopefully I’ll be able to catch you tomorrow! X>

Izuku hadn’t been able to stop smiling the whole time he’d read through her messages. He could almost hear her voice while he read them.

It made him sad to think that she hadn’t had a reply from him all day.

He looked at the timestamp on the last message and realised she’d sent it half an hour ago, so chances were she’d still be awake. She’d said she can only receive and send messages when she was in the bathroom, so it’s not like she’d get it until tomorrow anyway, but he’d still send it, he decided, tapping on the screen.

<Hi Ochako! Really sorry I haven’t been able to reply to your messages. I dropped my phone down the side of my bed this morning! (Long story but I need a new alarm clock) I forgot to grab it before I left today and I’ve only just seen what you sent me. I’m so so glad you’re feeling better! I bet you can’t wait for the stitches to come out now. I remember how much I hated them. Shouto is a wizard at removing stitches, it’s a shame you’re not having them removed here, I could have asked him for a favour!>

<Please take lots of photos! :) It would be so cool to see where you grew up. Working on a farm sounds like fun but I bet it’s loads of hard work?? And definitely have lots of fun with your friend, he’s the one you said you used to watch the superhero movies with right? Pretty sure you mentioned him back when we first met? Wow, that feels like such a long time ago now! (me remembering that doesn’t seem creepy right?) (me bringing up that it might be creepy makes it creepy doesn’t it??) Relax and heal up, I’m sure we’ll get to talk soon x>

<P.S. excellent autocorrect fail!! X>

Izuku huffed out a little laugh as he tapped send on his final message and smiled tenderly at his phone. A knotted, concerned feeling lifted from him; knowing that she was going to be having a nice week away was both comforting and sad.

He missed her.

--------------------

<Hey Izuku! I had a bit of a lazy start to this morning, since my extra sleep finally sorted itself out, so I know you’ll be at work by now but I hope you have a nice rest of your day! X>

<Hey Ochako! Thanks for your message, hope your day has been good so far too. Just having lunch back in the break room at the hospital for once. Usually Denki convinces me to have a McDonalds in the ambulance, but I wanted to send you a message, so we’ve come back so I can grab my phone out of my locker and I made him have a cup of instant noodles with me. That’s a little bit healthier right?? Haha x>

<Ah! Sorry I just got your message, I was having lunch out with my parents! There’s this amaaazing little restaurant near the farm my mom works at, and they use all the produce from it. I swear you can taste the Freshness ! It’s literally a signal black zone though. Oh! There’s this really cute wishing well that they’ve built into the restaurant so I threw a coin in it and made a wish (can’t tell you what it was though or it won’t come true!!) but I did take a good selfie with it that I’ll probably make my profile picture as soon as I return to the land of reliable internet x>

<Hope you enjoyed your noodles, definitely better than a burger, but did it taste as good ? I’m not going to tell you what I had – it might make you too jealous! X>

<Late reply but Wow, wishing well restaurant sounds cool. I hope your wish comes true. Don’t tell me what you ate, I’ll definitely get jealous! Another microwave dinner for me tonight. 12 hour shift ran over again and I’m so tired I think I’m just going to eat and crawl into bed. Hopefully we’ll be able to catch each other tomorrow? Night night x>

--------------------

<Hey Izuku! You’ll already be at work when you get this again (T_T) by the time I saw your message last night it had already been a couple of hours and I didn’t want to send you something and maybe wake you up :( :( I can’t believe we keep missing each other like this! I’m not busy later so I’ll spend a while going and checking my phone (I think my mom is getting worried by the amount of times I keep disappearing into the bathroom lmao) x>

<omg noooo, change of plan! There’s a projector being set up in the town hall tonight and they’re going to show some old clips from the school plays through the years – me and my old school friends will be in them! I’ll get to see Iida there too!  Sorry Izuku!! X>

<Don’t worry! Hope you’re having fun looking at some old memories! We finished on time today so me and Denki are having an after work coffee at a café you might know well… Your friend Mina was there and she said to tell you that she’s having to cover some of your evening shifts so you owe her, but she also said to tell you that she loves you and misses you. She’s so funny – and so full of energy! Hopefully I’ll get to see you there too one day?? X>

<Aaaaa! I can’t believe you went to Uravity! Please tell me that Mina didn’t tell you all the embarrassing stories she has of me! (>A<;) If she did, they’re all lies!! (I’m glad you can’t see me now actually, I’m sitting on top of Iida’s shoulders in the parking lot of the town hall – it’s the only place signal gets through here!) (again, don’t ask how we found out.) x>

<I’m dying over that image, and I don’t even know what your friend looks like! I loved it at Uravity, the stars and planets and stuff are really pretty. I can see why you like it. I’ve never even seen you there, but just the aesthetic and being there reminded me so much of you :( xx>

<When Mina’s boyfriend came to pick her up, she sent him over to us to wait while she got ready and he’s a really cool guy! I recognised him from the gym sometimes, though we’ve never spoken, so that was really funny. Him and Denki got on like a house on fire! Next time I go to the gym and see him there I’ll say hi, and maybe we can go back to Uravity again the three of us sometime. I’ll see if Shouto wants to come next time too! Ah, sorry, rambling – anyway, hopefully we can actually chat tomorrow??! Goodnight Xx>

<A bit late but I’m so pleased for you Izuku! Eijiro is super cool, you’ll like him a lot. I’d love it if you two could be friends! (^v^) I told Iida about you and about how we met and it made me miss you too. Night xxx>

--------------------

<Day off today :) having a long overdue visit to my mom’s. I decided to turn up as a surprise and when she opened the door I gave her a bunch of flowers and she burst into tears haha it was cute. Made me feel bad that I haven’t been in touch with her as often as I should. But she cries really easily anyway so it wasn’t that surprising. (It’s where I get it from...) Have a good day - I really hope we can synch up schedules and chat properly later! Xx>

<Sorry I haven’t been in touch today Izuku! I got my stitches out! I was kind of excited because I can usually get some signal at the doctor’s surgery, but I forgot to charge my phone last night and it died on the way there. Noooo! RIP. Good news though: stitches came out fine. Doctor said I might get a little scar on my head, but it might heal over time completely instead. Guess I’ll wait and see?? Hope you had a nice day with your mom - me and parents went for a walk in the park after my appointment so that was nice <3 Cold though! Glad I had my scarf on. And yes! Definitely! I hope so too xx>

<Izuku? Are you free? Xx>

<??? Xx>

<Ochako I am so so sorry! I just got your messages! How are we doing this?! I’m at the hospital - I’ve been called in to cover a night shift at the last minute and it’s for a good friend so I really couldn’t say no. Shino was one of the paramedics who helped you that morning and her daughter isn’t very well so she’s taking a few days off to look after her - I said I’d cover for her :( It means I’ll be sleeping tomorrow for my night shift tomorrow night, so I won’t be able to message you. I’m going to switch my phone off now though, so please keep sending me messages and I’ll have a read of them after I get up tomorrow night before my shift. It’ll make me smile before I start! :) Sorry again, this is such bad timing huh? Xxx>

<Sorry, just saw your reply! Ah no don’t worry! It’s ok! Night shift sounds rough! Please get some good rest tomorrow! You’re so kind Izuku, ready to jump in at the last minute to help out a friend. It’s not long until I get to come home anyway, so we’ll see each other then for sure! Can’t wait xxx>

--------------------

<Another cold and dark morning here. I hope your shift wasn’t too bad! Got up with my mom this morning and went with her to work. Oh boy. It was wayyy too early to be working that hard oof. The animals never do what you want them to do... The owners of the farm are this sweet old couple though and they usually give my mom lunch every day so they did one for me too - bread slices nearly as thick as my arm(!) huge wedge of cheese inside and some kind of homemade pickle? It was super tasty xxx>

<It’s been nice to be looked after by my parents again for a little while but I’m ready to come back home now. It’s been nice to have a bit of tranquillity, since I’m always so busy and I don’t really make enough time to enjoy the little things - but I’m working on it, something you inspired in me xxx>

<I’m missing friends and I actually really miss my job. Every morning my dad makes himself a coffee so by the time I get into the kitchen there’s this lingering coffee smell and it makes me nostalgic xxx>

<I got to briefly ring Mina today (still standing in the bath) and the signal was a bit crackly but it was nice to hear her voice again! She said it’s been a mixture of herself and the new boy Kurai who’ve been covering my shifts, so I feel kind of bad that I’ve put them both to so much trouble (he’s a student though so I expect he was glad of the overtime too) xxx>

<Ok. I told my parents I’m going home tomorrow. I’ve enjoyed it but I really want to get back - so I’m hopping on a train tomorrow afternoon. Should be back in the city about 7.30ish? I could get a taxi from the station, but they’re so overpriced, so I’ll get the bus to the apartment - which means I’ll be getting home about 8 ! (^o^) I know that your night shift starts around then so we won’t be able to see each other, but I’ve still got a few days off work for my sicknote, so I’ll be in all day the day after! Xxx>

<Please knock on my door when you get back in the morning if you’re not too tired!! I’ll be happy to see you whatever time it is xxx>

<Hey Ochako, just about to head out for work and I can’t stop smiling - your messages really did cheer me up before my shift! I’m so excited to see you and talk to you properly finally. You can tell me all about your hometown! And your parents! And your friends! I’m so sad I’m working tomorrow night, I wish I could see you straight away, but I’ll be sure to come see you the morning after - no matter how tired I am xxx>

<Xxx>

--------------------

<Train feels extra long today. I think it’s because I can’t wait to get back! Nearly home! Xxx>

<On your way though! Xxx>

<Wait,, omg are you there??? X>

<I am! Are you?! X>

<I AM! Ahh I can’t believe we’re finally messaging at the same time!! (T_T) <3 xxx>

<It’s so good to talk to you in real time! Xxx>

<This is Amazing! I literally just screeched at my phone and there’s a lady looking at me strangely lmao!! X>

<I’m just getting ready for work, I’m having ‘breakfast’ haha x>

<Hope it’s nice then! I brought some snacks with me but it’s getting really hard to resist the lady that comes down the train with the snack trolley... I might have to get a coffee... X>

<I’m not going to encourage anything but you should totally get the coffee xxx>

<That’s completely encouraging me!! xxx>

<Man, it sucks that we’re going to just miss each other :( xxx>

<I knowwww ! But we’ve already planned tomorrow and I will fight the universe itself if it puts anything else in our way xxx>

<No way, tomorrow will be perfect - no crazy interruptions, no accidents, I promise xxx>

<Oh, got to go! It’s pulling into the station! Xxx>

<No problem, see you tomorrow! Have a good night xxx>

<So I just got back, wow that whole journey was long,,, Hope you have a good shift, I’ll see you tomorrow morning (finally!) can’t wait xxx>

----

>>>>[Read on AO3]<<<<

[gobigorgohome2016]

All the Cliches

When I started writing this post in my head, I was going to title it something like Out of Hibernation, yet make it known that I wasn’t planning to bore you with a 1,300 word soliloquy comparing myself to a Bleeding Heart (which is apparently a Spring perennial and, you know, we’re all about cliches here) blooming through the last remnants of Winter frost.

Then I thought, no, do I really need an intro to tell everyone I’m back on my bullshit after a few steps forward and another step back?  

Then I realized...isn’t running really just the epitome of a giant cliche?  

TL;DR I had a big accomplishment in the fall and thought the momentum would carry over super easily into the Spring.  I ignored some symptoms, realized I was anemic, felt really sad, and now I’m starting to feel like myself again.  aka, the simple, common, cliched journey of every.single.runner.

Even though this experience is the embodiment of what it means to be an endurance athlete, why do we act surprised every single time?  Leading up to Philadelphia, after my year of mystery illness [which, it turns out, had another plot twist.  Remember how I was having a massive immune system reaction and pretty terrible quality of life?  Well, after we found mold in the house the problem went 90% away.  The remaining 10% was still driving me crazy.  Long story short, the installation of a whole-home water filter has returned me to a fully functioning human being.  Hello, my name is Anna and I’m just your local canary in the coal mine] I vowed I would do a better job about just letting life go with the flow and not try to fight the current every step of the way.  I guess I got too big for my britches because - lo and behold - I found myself avoiding what I pretty much knew all along.

After Philadelphia, I took 2 weeks off and really enjoyed my down time.  The highlight was a day trip to French Lick, where Dave and I hit the casino (I won $25), ate all the sweets, shopped, split an amazing kobe beef burger, got day drunk, and took the scenic drive home.  The next day I started running again and, much to my surprise, felt way better than I normally do after two weeks of zero exercise.  This felt like a big win. 

December turned out to be extra crazy, then at the end of January I co-hosted a women’s running retreat, BAnna Camp.  Any fatigue I was feeling during December and January I just chalked up to stress and the typical things you do when you’re in that awkward in-between period from one race to another:  less sleep, less healthy food, less fitness.  

^have to make sure this post never dies

The first day I was in Austin, Becki and I did a workout together.  It was my first “real” workout back (other than some fartleks and strides), and it wasn’t even supposed to be hard:  3 x 7 min @ 6:00 pace.  I STRUGGLED.  I couldn’t breathe, my quads were heavy, and the paces felt much more difficult than they seemed like they should.  But, there were plenty of excuses:  it’s windy, we were running a net uphill, I was dehydrated from travel, I was stressed about the upcoming camp, etc. etc.  Midway through that workout I had a very distinct thought of oh shit, this feels very anemic right now.  That night I texted my friend who would be joining us later in the week and asked her to bring some iron pills, since I had forgotten my supplement.  

The following week my workout didn’t feel great, but again, it was easy to make excuses.  I was on a treadmill.  I was still catching up on sleep from camp.  Maybe I’m more out of shape than I thought. 

Longer efforts didn’t feel great, but I was getting them done.  My paces felt quick, but, winter training never feels amazing.  Plus, it seemed like every workout I did was into a strong wind, so how can you really judge pace and effort?  

In early February, I had my first race of the season which was a 5 miler in downtown Indy.  I had told Dave I was going to hold 5:30 pace for as long as I could and see what happened.  My first mile was 5:54, and Dave said he could hear me breathing before he could see me.  I was 3rd that day in just under 30:00.  Again, there were plenty of excuses.  It was windy.  We had celebrated Valentine’s Day the night before, so maybe steak, lobster, buttered mashed potatoes, and wine wasn’t the best pre-race meal?  

During my sulking about the race I had an aha moment.  In December, prior to realizing we had an issue with our water, I was trying to figure out what was still causing skin rashes and GI issues.  The only thing I was taking every day was ferrous sulfate, which is an iron supplement that is gentle on your stomach but has some suspect ingredients (food colorings, sorbate, etc.).  I decided to switch my supplement (one that had worked for me for YEARS) to something that seemed “cleaner”:  ionic iron.  While I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what could be wrong, it occurred to me to check my iron dosage.  

I was taking ~10% of my normal ferrous sulfate dosage, and honestly don’t even know how absorbable ionic iron even is.  That day I made the switch back to ferrous sulfate, but knew that if my iron/ferritin was low, it would take about 6 weeks before I felt a difference.

If at this point you’re reading along and thinking to yourself, it’s not expensive to just go and get a blood test to find out whether your iron is low - you are absolutely correct.  I should have just scheduled an appointment to take a blood test and find out.  But, I’m stubborn.

Two weeks after my 5 mile race I flew to Atlanta for the Road to Gold, an 8 mile race on the 2020 Olympic Trials course.  This is a whole other post in and of itself, but I will say that the hype is real.  That course is going to be hard.  

While the experience was great, my time was not.  My goal had been to run 5:45 pace through the first 4 miles and then pick up the pace.  While I did go through the first 4 miles in 22:50, just under my goal, I went through the next 4 miles in 24:20ish, and again felt as though I couldn’t breathe.  I finally conceded it was time for a blood test. 

The results were pretty much exactly what I thought they would be:  low ferritin, high CO2 in my blood, and borderline-low Vitamin D.  After weeks of agonizing over whether I was out of shape I finally had an answer (albeit one I should have just figured out sooner).  So, I upped my iron supplement and looked ahead.  

Nowhere to go but up, right?

In the following weeks I paid better attention to meal timing (i.e., if I was having a steak for dinner I wasn’t pairing it with red wine or other iron-inhibiting foods).  I cut out my second cup of coffee in the afternoon so that my body could have a better chance at iron absorption.  I focused more on sleep.  I got back on nutrient tracking to make sure I was getting everything I needed from my diet.  

and it paid off

6 weeks after my miserable 5 mile race where I could barely run faster than 5:58 pace for 5 miles, I ran 1:16:37 in the Carmel half marathon on a less-than-ideal day with rain and wind.  

During race week I cut out all caffeine and red wine to hopefully give my body the extra boost it needed to absorb iron.  I meal prepped early in the week so that I had nutrient-rich options readily available.  I said no to a couple work-related opportunities that popped up in favor of less stress, and I gave myself my best chance to succeed.  

In truth, sometimes setting yourself up for success is scary.  What if you do everything possible and you don’t succeed?  I have seen so many talented athletes give up because they went all in and it didn’t immediately pay off.  But, that’s probably another post for another day, too. 

Come race day we had 15 mph winds, pouring rain, and puddles on the course.  It will sound sarcastic when I say this, but that truly is my favorite racing weather.  Going into the race my A goal (not accounting for weather) was 75 min, B goal 76 min, and C goal 77 min.  My plan was to run the first 10 at 5:45 effort, then see how fast I could go the last 5k.  

Starting off, I was very pleased to find myself in a pack of men and through the first mile around 5:40.  I NEVER trust my GPS, so all splits I give will be those from the course.  I went through 4 miles in 22:50 - the exact same time I went through 4 miles in Atlanta, only this time I felt so much better.  I went through 6.55 (again, as marked on the course, not my GPS) in 37:26 and felt like I really had a chance at sub 75 still.  Through 10 miles I was right at 58 min.  I felt strong for the first time in a long time. 

Around mile 11 I started to get tired, and just focused on getting through 0.5 miles at a time.  T last couple miles were definitely the toughest, as they were mostly uphill/into the wind.  76:38 is my fourth fastest half [74:03, Houston, PERFECT weather; 75:20, ‘17 US championships, goal race full taper, 75:59, Columbus half, 4 weeks out from Philly], and this gives me a lot of encouragement considering some sub-par months of training.    

Now that I am feeling the effects of higher ferritin, I’m beginning to wonder if I wasn’t a little bit low during my Philly build up.  I have had some of my best long runs and workouts the past couple weeks - ones that would have blown away what I did leading up to Philly.  It also makes sense, given how I felt the last half of my Philly race, that my ferritin may have been low.  Moving forward, I’m going to schedule blood work much more regularly so that I don’t have preventable problems like this occur.  Definitely kicking myself, but, as with all failures in life it was a great opportunity to learn and grow.  

My next race is in 6 weeks and I’ll be at the 25k championships in Grand Rapids.  I’m looking forward to seeing what another 6 weeks of quality training and (hopefully) warmer weather can do for my fitness!  

[peterjordanus]

AM/ PM Skincare Routine

   So first of all I’m going to apologize for taking like a month to do this post when I said I’d do it in a few days.  I got pneumonia a few days after making my last post, then had bad reactions to multiple medicines I was taking for my asthma, then I got an ear infection, and then Friday I got a 24hr stomach flu thing but!!! I’m here to finally share my current skincare routine that has helped me clear my skin and keep it cleared, while also keeping it balanced! (I have combination and acne-prone skin)

So let’s get into it!!!

AM Routine

So for my morning routine I try to keep it simple, so it only has about five steps.

1. CeraVe Foaming Cleanser. I LOVE this cleanser.  It doesn’t foam up as much as other foaming cleansers, so it doesn’t strip my skin and leave it feeling super dry and tight and it’s non-comedogenic, so it won’t clog your pores or cause more acne if your skin is prone to that.  Along with this, it has a lot of moisturizing ingredients that make your skin super soft!!

2. Thayers Witch Hazel Aloe Vera Toner with Cucumber. This toner is awesome if you have acne or sensitive skin.  It doesn’t dry out your skin like plain witch hazel does because of the aloe and cucumber, and those ingredients also help calm the skin instead of just making it dry.

3. Benton Snail Bee High Content Essence. I started using this a couple months ago after seeing a lot of good reviews for it.  I was hesitant though because of the fact that it’s made of bee venom and snail mucin, which sounds scary and gross, but gOD is this stuff worth it.  It has a more gel like consistency than a lot of other essences, but it doesn’t go on super thick or sticky.  It really helps balance my skin and helps to keep the oily parts of my face from getting too oily and also moisturizes the dryer parts.

4. CeraVe Eye Repair Cream. CeraVe is gonna pop up a lot in this post because I love their products so much.  I have sensitive skin, especially around my eyes so thicker and fragranced eye creams make my eyes burn real bad.  This eye cream is thick, but it’s unscented and gentle so it doesn’t bother my eyes AND it actually works (it takes a couple weeks to see results though).

5. Garnier SkinActive SPF 30 Moisturizer with Hyaluronic Acid. I’ve been using this moisturizer daily for a couple years now.  It’s kind of runny and not super thick, so it doesn’t make my skin super oily.  It also doesn’t leave a white cast on my skin like a lot of other moisturizing sun screens (like CeraVe’s does, unfortunately).  It has a slight fragrance, but it’s light enough that it doesn’t bother my skin.

And that’s it for my morning routine!  It’s super short and only takes like 10 minutes MAX.  My night routine is a lot more involved though, lol.

PM Routine  

Okay so my nightly routine is literally just… so extra and I absolutely love it.

1. L’Oreal Micellar Cleansing Water. I wear a lot of waterproof eye makeup and using the cleansing oil I use on the rest of my face mess with my eyes, so a couple weeks ago I started using this take my eye makeup off and it works pretty good!  You don’t have to do a lot of rubbing and it doesn’t make my eyes super dry.  The only thing is that it leaves a kind of oily feeling behind for a few minutes, but I usually rinse it off anyways.

2. The Face Shop Natural Rice Water Light Cleansing Oil. This cleansing oil is step one in my double cleansing (which everyone should be doing) has been in my nightly routine for like…. a year or two now?  And it’s awesome. It’s light enough that it doesn’t clog my pores like some of the thicker cleansing oils do.  It gets pretty much all of the makeup off my face and makes my skin feel super soft as well!  Rice water is really good for fading the dark spots that acne leaves behind and I think this has been one of the key products that’s helped me with that!

3. CeraVe Foaming Cleanser.

4. Exfoliate/ masks. On Tuesdays and Fridays I exfoliate with Ebanel Ultimate Brightening Peeling Gel.  This is only the second peeling gel I’ve tried but I like it.  Peeling gels are way better for your skin than physical exfoliants because they don’t scrape and rub at the skin.  It sounds gross but when you rub a peeling gel on your skin it picks up the dead skin cells and turns them into these little… pills of grossness that you rinse off with water.  On pretty much every other day of the week I use a mask, and I’ll try to make a post about my favorites soon!

5. Thayers Witch Hazel Aloe Vera Toner with Cucumber.

6. Instanatural Vitamin C Facial Toner. So I use a second toner in my PM routine because I wanted to add vitamin C into my routine because it’s good for fading dark spots and minimizing the look of pores and lemme tell you this stuff is amazing.  It makes my skin feel so soft and helped with my acne, acne marks, and pores in like a week.

7. Benton Snail Bee High Content Essence.

8. Nature Republic Soothing Moisture Aloe Vera 92%. Aloe vera is really, really good for people with sensitive skin and acne.  It’s super lightweight and soothing and no matter how hot wherever you keep it is, it’s always going to feel cool on your skin when you put it on.  I’ve also noticed that it’s helped fade my dark spots too, which is awesome.  Also, this stuff is super cheap and you get a lot of it, too, because I got the tub I’m using around this time last year and I’m just now starting to finish it up.

9. The Ordinary Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1%. This is a recent addition to my PM routine, but boy howdy is it a good one.  I always kind of thought that The Ordinary was over hyped, but it’s so worth they hype.  It’s cheap and it works!  This serum is specifically for acne-prone skin and it helped clear up my skin when I was taking like three different steroids when I had pneumonia a couple weeks ago, that’s how good it is.

10. Complete Organics Organic Marula Oil. Okay I know it seems really counter intuitive to use an oil as thick as marula oil on acne-prone and combination/ oily skin, but hear me out.  Using non-comedogenic oils on your skin can actually help your skin produce less oils.  When you put oils like jojoba oil or marula oil on your skin, it kind of tricks your skin into believing that there’s already enough oil, so it won’t produce as much, so moisturizes the skin without clogging up your pores.  Marula oil is also high in fatty acids that really hydrate your skin and reduce redness.  It’s also good for fine lines AND makes your skin super smooth as well!

11. CeraVe Eye Repair Cream.

12. CeraVe Skin Renewing Cream Serum. This has got to be my all-time favorite skin care product because it targets so many different things.  I started using it after reading that retinol can help with acne and minimizing the look of pores, but I wanted to get a retinol that wouldn’t dry my skin out, as a lot of strong retinols have the tendency to leave skin dry, red, and flaky.  This serum has hyaluronic acid along with moisturizing ceramides in it that prevents this from happening.  I started using this also about a year ago, and even though it didn’t work immediately and it alone didn’t clear my skin, it’s one of the major products that did.  If I go even a day or two without using this my skin starts to act up again, so it’s definitely one of the major players in my skincare routine.  All the moisturizing ingredients in it also make my skin feel super smooth and soft, which is another plus!

13. AcneFree Sulfur Mask. AcneFree is one of the best drugstore brands I’ve come across, no lie.  I don’t use this as an actual mask because sulfur is too drying for my skin, but I do use this as a night time spot treatment and it works so well!

So that’s my AM and PM skin care routines.  My nighttime routine is SUPER long, and probably looks super intimidating to some of you who are just getting into skin care, but let me just say that:

1) I didn’t start out my journey in skin care with this long-ass routine.  I’ve built this routine over the last 3 or 4 years by slowly adding more products to it.  No matter how excited you are about starting a routine, introducing a huge number of new products to your skin is going to make it angry.  It’s better to slowly add more products over a couple of weeks or even months so that if your skin starts acting up, you know what product caused that, and so that your skin will have time to get used to a product before you add a new one

2) It’s so worth it.  Having a long skin care routine might seem time consuming and annoying, but after you see the results of all of your hard work, you’re going to start loving it.   Like it’s nice to be able to see my skin finally clear up after 12 years of struggling with my acne and skin problems and I absolutely love coming home after work and doing this routine because it’s super relaxing and it just feels nice to pamper myself, especially after a really hard or stressful day.

Taking care of your skin is super important and even if you don’t develop a huge routine like these, just doing the basics of cleansing, toning, moisturizing, and applying sunscreen is going to help your skin so much!

First published here: AM/ PM Skincare Routine