#just like with the last girlfriend they had (who treated me like trash btw)

[avpd-queer]

I’m still so fucked up by everything that went down with my former best friend, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. They really set me back. They proved to me that my only value to people is as a doormat.

[writingmyanxietyaway]

Triangles | Rio - Berlin

Requested by anon:  Hi! Love your blog btw. Would you mind doing an rio x reader x berlin imagine, where tge reader is tge same age as rio and tgey have a thing going on and berlin lijes the reader and is jealous. Reader is park of the team and plays hostage. And when they have to undress to their clothes berlin cames uo to reader and orders her to do so. And rio is like super angry, but can't do anything avout it to not reveal their relationship and the fact that reader works with them. Thank you.

Word count: 1.5k

Warning: swearing, angst, mention of blood

Note: hi! thank you so much! i hope this is what you meant! hope you like it, enjoy! x

------------

‘Vienna, 2 minutes out,’ you heard over your ear piece. You were part of the heist, yet your role was to be a random stranger amongst the other hostages. Every detail, every escape plan, every weapon was discussed with you in the room. El Profesor was aware of the risks only one brave hostage could bring, so you were there to keep things cool if things went sideways.

You were also Rio’s girlfriend. You two had been dating since the start of that year, when you met at a convention for technology. When you met you two hit off immediately and had been dating ever since. Little did you know you’d both be asked to do this job, unknowing of the other. But things got a little complicated when Berlin came into the view. You two had had a love affair a couple of years back, but when you parted ways you promised never to talk about it again.

You glanced around and saw your watch counting down the last minute. You were nervous, excited and a little hesitant all at the same time. You wanted to be part of the action, not sit on the floor for six days, but here you were.

When you heard loads of commotion coming towards you, you felt your heartbeat pick up. It was happening. You saw the red suits come into view and you smirked. Guns were held in the air and screams filled the entrance - the alarms loudly ringing in the background. You stepped back a little, wanting to see your boyfriend one last time before you went to the others. You saw one of them approach you and he quickly lifted his mask to kiss you one last time.

‘Promise you’ll be careful?’ you whispered against his lips. He nodded and smiled at you, placing a hand on your cheek.

‘Always, sugar.’

He pulled you away from behind the stairs but not before pulling his mask back on. You saw Berlin burn holes in your head from the side of the stairs. Was he jealous? As you focussed on your role, you trashed in his grip, playing your role as an innocent visitor. He shoved you to all the other hostages and joined Berlin and Tokio. You faked a few tears here and there and tried to mingle with the others. Some of them were crying, some of them were in complete shock and unable to do anything. You felt slightly bad about traumatising them so badly, but you knew the plan and that was to leave without harming anyone.

-

It was now a couple of hours later and you noticed they had brought out the red suits, boots and masks. Berlin did his intimidating little talk and you all got a suit. You didn’t want to change in front of him, in front of anyone for that matter. The only man you ever wanted to see your body was Rio. You were a tough girl, but changing in front of people always made you anxious. You caught Rio’s eye when he stood on the stairs, but when Berlin moved in your direction you couldn’t help but desert your attention to him. He stopped in front of you, smirk plastered on his face.

‘Change into your suit, woman,’ he dared. You hated that smirk. What you did all those years ago was a mistake and you were contstantly reminded of that night in your sleep.

‘No,’ you stated, ‘Not here.’

‘Oh, we’ve got ourselves a brave girl on board! Hear that everyone?! This one here thinks she can do whatever she pleases.’ He took his gun and pointed it directly to your stomach. Your stare hardened. Who the fuck did this man think he was?

From the corner of your eye, you saw Rio step forward but Denver quickly held him back. He whispered something in his ear and he turned around.

‘Strip. Now.’ Berlin demanded. You knew you had to, that was the worst part. Being the only one of the hostages not wanting to wear a suit and not get shot would definitely get suspicious. You angrily took of your jacket, your jeans and changed into the suit. You felt embarassed, weak and insecure. That was a dick move and he knew it.

He stepped closer to you when you were done and whispered in your ear, ‘That’s the good girl I know. It’s not like I haven’t seen it before, is it?’

You gagged at his words and he quickly disappeared up the stairs. Denver nodded at you and clapped Rio on the back. It had been such a long time since you had felt so vulnerable and for no good reason Berlin kicked you right back to that time. You had to talk to Rio. And quickly.

-

You were chosen to work in the offices and count the money. Nairobi was the supervisor. It had been more than three days since you had seen Rio and you had to talk to him. When Nairobi passed you, you dropped a wad of cash on the floor and leaned over, catching her attention.

‘I don’t feel good.. Can I please use the restroom?’ you asked her, raising your eyebrows. She nodded and grabbed you by the arm, not before threatening the other women you were working with.

‘I really need to talk to Rio. Please, Nairobi,’ you begged. She quickly nodded and went to get Rio. Pacing back and forth, you anxiously bit your nails. When the door opened, your heart dropped to the floor.

‘What did they do to you?’ you gasped, running towards him. You held his head in your hands as you inspected his face. He had a bruise on his cheek and a black eye. ‘Please tell me who did this to you, Ani.’

He looked at you through his lashes and winced when you stroked your thumb over his bruise. He looked completely broken, bags under his eyes and shrunken posture.

‘It was Berlin, wasn’t it?’ you asked. You didn’t even have to ask, you already knew. That bastard couldn’t let you go, could he? You huffed and pushed passed Rio. ‘Wait here.’

Berlin was eating when you stomped through the door. He didn’t notice you at first, but when you smacked your hand on the table, everyones attention went to you.

‘To what do I owe the pleasure, sweetheart?’ he smuggly asked.

‘You know exactly why. What the fuck were you thinking? Smashing his face in, just because you can’t let something go that happened years ago? How old are you? 10?’ you sneered. ‘If you’re jealous, just say that. But hurting someone else because you can’t talk about your feelings is fucking ridiculous.’

The room fell silent, your speech even silencing Denver. They didn’t know you had met before the heist and especially about your relationship. You saw his tough façade fade as his eyes flickered from your furious face to the sandwich he was eating. He knew it was wrong and he regret it the moment he saw how broken Rio was. The young adult was terrified and it made him realise he had turned into the man he promised not to be anymore.

‘You seriously don’t have anything to say about this?’ you huffed. ‘You haven’t changed a fucking bit, Andrès. Stay the fuck away from me and Rio or you’ll end up just like him.’

When you left, Berlin felt humiliated. Not that you’d called him out like that, but humiliated to have let his anger take over his common sense. You had every right to respond the way you did, he would have done the same for you. Why did he feel so jealous? He was the one who broke things off, not you. He’d thrown you away like many of his other treasures, yet he couldn’t let you go. Rio was way better for you. He treated you like a princess, talked to you about his feelings and could give you a much better life than he could have given you.

‘So, wanna explain what the fuck just happened?’ Denver carefully asked. Berlin cracked his knuckled and took a sharp breath. They weren’t supposed to know and frankly, it was none of their business either. So he shoved his chair back and went looking for the both of you. The least you deserved was an apology.

‘- a dick.. he won’t do it again, I’ll make sure of that,’ he heard you say soflty. Rio hissed when you wiped away a small drop of blood just under his eye and you remorsefully sighed. ‘I’m sorry, I should have told you.’

‘No, I’m the one who should apologise,’ Berlin stated, stepping into the room. He could see Rio flinch and your stare harden. ‘I’m sorry. I let my anger cloud my reality and I snapped. There was a point where I was you Rio and I regret to this day that I let her go. I got jealous because I realised she was everything that I needed and more, but I saw that too late. I was immature and for that I want to apologise.’

Your eyes softened and you thankfully nodded at him. You turned your attention to Rio who held out his hand to Berlin. Berlin took it and shook his hand firmly.

‘Don’t let her go, Rio. She’s too precious for that.’

.. .. .. .. ..

Berlin Taglist

@nkjktk​ - @michaellangdonenthusiast​ - @hamiltonsofcrap - @nicke0115​ - @pinkrapunzel

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

BFCD Reviews by Nesha: Final Space, Season 3

Everybody that know me know that I’m high class #Quillective trash and my main thoughts and feelings go out to Quinn Ergon and Gary Goodspeed - precious Gemini gems, and of course the BABIES: Little Cato, Ash and Fox #NeshaLuhDaKids I had some attachment to Avocato once upon a time, but that n***a got on my LAST nerves this season, so we currently at “Do you, Boo” status by the end of S3, and eventually, yes, I’ma get to why that is. 

Disclaimer for somebody who stumbled across this post because of the fandom tags - I am an independent partaker of this content, not “part of the fandom,” and my audience in particular is NOT for everybody. SO: If you may have been criticized in the past for casual racism, tone deafness to Black women’s concerns or accused of misogynoir or antiblackness, leave now. 

If you don’t like cussing, AAVE, general ratchetness and mean lesbian energy, you too might wanna go. A bitch can be eloquent, but I type like I talk, at times, so it is what it is and I don’t curate for kids, dudes, or nonblacks. That’s just what that is.

I wanna start with Ash Graven. This season is about Ash more than anybody else, despite the fact that there was a lot of emphasis on Avocato’s toxic ass man pain and growth in Quinn and Gary’s relationship, ULTIMATELY, nobody in the crew did more coming into fruition as Ash did, and I have a lot to say about her, because I have a lot of feelings.

♡ Ash Graven

1. Ash is a kid. Lol. Everybody got very confused because of the unnecessary transformation that Invictus gave her. Ash did not “grow up,” her body was altered. That’s a fuckin kid in a woman’s body. A kid who has previously been living with survivor’s guilt, parental abuse/neglect/exploitation, chronic trauma, and a disastrous superpower that most people could not be trusted to carry. She’s a child having a coming of age moment in this season that is mostly molded in manipulation. If you hate on Ash, go fuck yourself. ESPECIALLY if I’ve caught you stanning other characters who have been shit characters, in this fandom or not. Ash was dealt a shit hand and nobody had her back but her brothers, and she’s done what she could and thought was best to care for them. Anybody that missed that - just don’t have kids, K.

2. Ash has no parental guidance. As far as she knows, the only adults who have ever had her back are dead and the ones that she’s stuck with now, she GAVE a chance to try to trust them. She gave Quinn a chance to try to see some of Nightfall (the only adult that we’ve seen not exploit her) in her. She gave Gary a chance by choosing him over Clarence, when she had to make a choice. She even gave Clarence’s ass another chance - with which he responded by dying to not fail her. Now, she has Gary, who just a few days or weeks ago, idek, forced her to try to summon her powers while she was both injured and also upset over having to leave her brother behind - TO SAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND! And she got snatched away in the process and left behind with the enemy, to be mentally assaulted and returned changed, only to have them not trust her.

I love Quinn too. I love her dearly. But the facts were that she was dying and having an episode that nobody could really help with, and Gary didn’t take the time or consideration to think about the stress that he was putting on Ash by putting her in the position to make her feel like she needed to save Quinn for him. Whether or not she was the only one who could, that is a lot to put on a child, and not only did he do it, but he didn’t even seem to think that hard about it whenever he then left her ass. Sure, he was glad when she was returned, but that was a fucked up situation that yet another adult put her into, and the first thing that he should have wanted to do when seeing her was to apologize and try to make it right. It was a huge miscalculation to treat her as a potential enemy that he and Avocato needed to vet. EVEN IF that’s what she was to them, both of them should have had the sense to assess while still treating her as the kid that they supposedly knew.

3. Most of her trauma has been recent and continuous. She looked up to Nightfall, watched her die, and had a meltdown. The events from Season 2 (with Clarence almost killing Fox and leaving him to die, her leaving his side to help out, seeing that Sheryl was treacherous to her own son, losing Nightfall), and the events that are taking place in Season 3 are only in the span of a few months.

They were only stranded for a month whenever we see them surviving together. That girl has had more happen to her to hurt her than to help her and nobody around her BUT Little Cato has been sensitive to that. And they are all fucking adults.

These things being noted - changing Ash’s design was the absolute worse fucking thing. Aging a girl up to make the bad things that follow more palatable is what that seems to be. Ash is still a kid. And THEN, they allegedly made her a queer kid. I say allegedly, because that “reveal” was so poorly done and subtle and weak that I, an almost 40 year old queer, didn’t realize that that’s what they meant whenever they said that they were gonna reveal somebody as a character who is part of the LGBT community.

So... FS production just gon’ decide not only to transform her body into that of a woman, when her mind is still full on traumatized child and hormonal teenager, but also, she likes girls, and they didn’t even do it in a cohesive way that added to the story. They threw it in, like, “BTW, she likes girls, and also, she’s full grown now.” then immediately went for the “Villain” lever, and bitches just ate that shit up. Fuck y’all, forreal. 

& Fox

He didn’t deserve that shit. And, I know a lot of people felt that he was pointless and boring, but his ass was sweet and caring and searching for love and acceptance. As a background character, I liked him. But, he was literally just fodder for Ash’s downfall, which was unfair and problematic, considering that his ass is definitely Black coded. Don’t play. He was voiced by a Black man, spoke with a blaccent, and definitely would be read as Black if you wasn’t looking at him and seeing an alien. They gave him a sacrificial negro trope, the big friendly negro that can kill you but loves everybody trope, and they used his death to just push some narrative forward to set up the one verified queer character as a villain. They got they ass in a vehicle and rolled right over another Black character, and another queer character. Chile...

 ♡ Little Cato!!!

My precious have not been getting some good for too long, and I have had it. He’s not focused on so much this season as he is in the background of other people’s stories, but a very important takeaway is and will always be that Little Cato, aside from Fox, really was the only one here who consistently treated her like she mattered, so it made a lot of sense that he could be the catalyst for her finally having ENOUGH with these people.

I really wish that he could have found out the truth about his past from Avocato, because that’s really who OWED him that truth, but Ash did the thing that I’d expect and told him, to be honest with him. She even told him that Avocato wanted to tell him and that she took that right away from him, because she didn’t believe he deserved it, and I’m respecting her for that, too. I wish she could see how much it hurt Little Cato for her to try to take him away from his home. 

Little Cato has lived before, for a while, and he’s not mature enough to behave as a man, but he at least has a loving foundation to draw from, and having had that support, this is more of his home than it is Ash’s. He doesn’t know how to explain that to her, and she doesn’t know how to understand that for him. Just a tragic situation for two kids with a lot of problems.

♡ Quinn Ergon & Gary Goodspeed

Quinnary notes that might not be featured in the BFCD Reviews by Nesha:  (Quinn Ergon/Nightfall x Gary Goodspeed) rundown - 

I've had two favorite parts of this season so far and they're very mediocre things that you wouldn't think would be like my favorite part but they are. One of them was that the first thing Gary does when she wakes up is to ask her about her sister (someone obviously very important to her who he's previously promised to allow to let live through Quinn's memory and says he wants to hear about her when he's trying to keep Quinn from dying). Because... He really did care and wasn't just saying something to keep her.

Quinn's mother fucked her up in a way that is so frustrating because Black mamas really will traumatize you about their younger kids. That shit hurt. You showed your daughter dead bodies to make her think about that in the event that your other daughter might be in battle? Bitch wtf

Whenever we say that Black girls are programmed to put everybody ahead of us, that's unfortunately not just including Society, it's in households too. And Quinn comes from this place where that is her reality... Then she meets Gary and he doesn't even register for her as anything special. He doesn't appear impressive or incredible in any way... But he (admittedly) weirdly locks on to her and shares himself - thinking that he's showing himself to her, and ultimately he DOES. And he wants to see her too, beyond all this, who she is, at her most humane. He wants to know about her sister. About someone who mattered to her enough to have the helm of her trauma when she was out of touch with reality. Very soft. Very sweet.

The other was when they were talking about how they met and stuff and Gary absolutely cringed thinking about how corny he was when he approached this woman. A lot of dudes never do that. The complaint of earlier seasons that Gary was overbearing, obsessive and creepy , if you missed the fact that he has terrible abandonment issues from his father’s death and his mother’s rejection, here we have him, in his adult state, looking back at the way he was and being embarrassed about it, and that’s growth!

A close third is whenever at the beginning of the Season he says "Quinn it's been a month eventually you have to open up to me about what you've been through" and she says "I will in time" and he respects it but he reiterates that he's there whenever she needs him. I don't think that people realize how revolutionary that kind of statement is especially for a character like Quinn to hear - who has always felt like she had to take charge, had to take the lead, had to make the sacrifice.

Even when she realized that she was dying, she didn't want to burden him with the information. Not even like ‘a thing that she knew if that could help prevent it and she didn't want him to have to go after it,’ but... she didn't even want him to have to deal with knowing about it!

Maybe she thought that she would just drop, maybe she didn't realize that he was going to have to see her in that condition. And then once she realized that he was going to have to see her in that condition one of the first things she says is "I should have told you." Girl is on her deathbed wishing she had done it differently, for Gary's benefit.

I saw somebody on Twitter tried to come for her about not going to Gary after he killed Fox (you know, shortly after her surgery to save her from the very brink of death, and listen... Quinn comes to see about Gary when she can. She’s done it several times. In fact, I’ma make a whole POST about Quinn and Gary moments SPECIFICALLY to point out to haters in the main tag - where they got Quinn Ergon, and by extension, me, FUCKED UP.

Stop Playing in Quinn Face

HI! HELLO. ACTUALLY MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS SEASON IS THAT QUINN AND GARY JUST FUCKED. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANKS. OK. Back 2 bidness

See.. after Gary and Quinn got over the humps of Quinn’s Final Space poisoning... everyone got it... nobody told her until Avocato was mad and told her during a lash out, and let me say something about Avocato’s fucking audacity this season... 

♡ Avocato (Note: His name is A-V-O-C-A-T-O. Some of y’all be tryna stan and y’all can’t even spell his name.)

I done seent Avacata, Avocata... That’s not that dude name. Be writing whole ass expositions about some other Ventrexian n*gga. Hope this helps:

AVOCATO. Listen, boy. YOU decided to be a traitor to your people and your king and queen. YOU decided to dedicate your cause to the Lord Commander and lied to your son his entire life about killing his parents, raising him, and never talking to him about it.

Yet and STILL - whenever you had the chance to finally tell him, you ain’t do the shit. Lord Commander gave you the perfect ass opportunity - WHEN IT CAME UP, and even then, with that boy looking you dead in the face and being glad that now he knows everything... you ain’t Ventrexian man up.

Then, whenever you were supposed to be checking on Gary after his traumatic murder fight with Fox and Invictus, you turned it around and literally made it about you. attacking him in the process and only after a physical fight did you apologize. (And y’all still didn’t get back to what had happened to Gary, which was no real fault of his own). 

Fast forward to after you willingly agreed to stay behind and fight and y’all lost. Now, it was Quinn’s turn to be the center of your blame and you lashed out at her because everybody is dying, despite the fact that y’all agreed to stay behind and fight, nobody even told her that y’all were sick, AND you still wasn’t 100 with Little Cato. 

You just had a lot of mothafuckin audacity this season, Avocato, and I personally was not here for the shit. Even when Ash blasted yo ass, your main thought was to threaten to kill her if she took Little Cato, instead of assuring her that despite what you’ve done, Little Cato was safe with you. No, she wouldn’t have listened to you. But, the words you chose tell us about who you are and how you are. You a war mongering killer that don’t ever take responsibility for his shit, and even in those brief moments that you do, its always somebody else’s problem. 

I’da thunk that LC getting snatched away would be humbling for you, but I guess you were chosen by the writers for minimal growth. Bye, Avocato. Witcha bitch ass. We is not cool right now, but you do you. Hope you find some growth up there in ya ass, where ya head been. 😁 Can’t believe I mourned yo ass. You coulda stayed dead as hell.

FINALE NOTES:

OK BITCH OK THIS FINALE WAS HYPE!

Let me pull it up so that I can liveblog it for the shit that I need to conclude this journey. 

We start out after Ash done took Little Cato and burnt off. Gary and AVOCATO done said they finna go get they son. Chile, I cannot handle Biskit voice. I like that lil’ dude but ya voice, Mane. I can’t with it. 

OK OK OK... Whenever Quinn comes up to Gary to talk to him and say potential goodbyes, she look like she wanna say some and that makes me think about whenever she looked like she wanted to say something in season 1 and didn’t. Quinn as grown a lot in her feelings for Gary, but she still has that hard time with talking about her feelings, but I love that you can see them in her face.

Chile... these folk was kinda taking they time gettin started, huh? Knuckas, do y’all remember that everybody finna die of FS poisoning? Lol. Also... why didn’t they start hallucinating and shit? I guess its not until it covers ya face? 

NIGHTFALL. 😥 I love you, Sis. I miss you. But, “Because I’m you and WE think of everything...” YES. I HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT! EVERYBODY EXPECTS QUINN TO THINK OF EVERYTHING AND WHENEVER THEY DON’T THINK OF THE THINGS, SHE GETS BLAMED FOR MAKING THE TOUGH DECISIONS THAT NOBODY ELSE COULD EVEN MAKE. Underappreciated, really. And people still mark Nightfall as a villain, despite the fact that she not only sacrificed herself, but also came specifically to help another Gary. Sidenote - Nightfall didn’t actually pursuit Quinn’s Gary until Quinn was trapped in Final Space and she thought she got a signal from him. So, I’m still salty AF that she been labelled as a villain just because people don’t like her, when her actions have all been to try to help. Here is no difference. She thought of the things that she didn’t think a younger version of her would think of, and left it for Quinn to find. Nightfall be on RNS, and most of y’all didn’t deserve her.

Quinn’s identity crisis is so sad, but I liked that Nightfall EVEN thought about that. And Sheryl... you kinda starting to grow on me. I hate to give shitty mothers who find compassion in old chance a try, but she do seem to really be giving it a go. 

Ash is so fucked up that she rushes right into the devil’s arms. This reminds me of when trafficking victims go back to their abusers because they don’t have the resources to adjust in the system. 😪 She REALLY believes what she’s saying. She really feels like Little Cato is safer with Invictus with the Team Squad. That’s sad as fuck, bruh. 

THE. ACTING. AND. ARTWORK. IN. THIS. CONFRONTATION. SCENE.

Avocato... I’m proud of you for FINALLY taking responsibility ad opening up about it. Little Cato’s reaction is precisely how kids in the system are, as well. They wanna be at home with their parents, no matter who their parents are or what they’ve done. and Avocato meant what he said and did what I referred to earlier as “Ventraxian man up.”

“I’m sorry we failed you,” from Gary was so important. Because, they technically did fail her. Had Ash seen the same amount of love from Gary as she’s seen him give to others, she might have been more receptive to the truth and less susceptible to lies. But, as she had just said earlier, it was too late for kind words. She’s currently beyond accepting them from him. For a brief moment, it breaks through, but without that ability to know love from an adult properly, she can’t accept that apology right now.

H.U.E. with his big robot, Lord Commander...EYE. There’s so much happening right now bitch processing has left the room girl. Biskit did so damn much this episode. And it was good to see everybody on the team have a moment to help things, instead of like one person having to handle the bulk of things. 

Quinn’s begging voice... its such a contrast from whenever she sent out the SOS in season 1 and was afraid and angry. Like... the desperation here shows her softness. 

Ash’s RAGE Bitch...

Gary’s “I love you...” She looked so happy! And then she just sat with it. I feel like she definitely loves him too, but she doesn’t communicate that way. But, her FACE. She was just... did she think that he didn’t before, or was she just speechless because she didn’t expect to hear it? Because, we gotta be real... Sis probably has not ever heard those words from anybody before. And that first time, when it’s really there is a DOOZIE. She had an abusive mother, a seemingly jealous or competitive sister, and we saw how nobody in the Infinity Guard respected her ass when she was serving them the real. I think this is the first time she’s been in love or felt it and when Gary said it, she had to collect herself. The way she ran to him and jumped into his arms??? SHIPPING CRACK. And Mooncake was a part of their hug too. I have a lot of feelings about this dynamic since Quinn and Mooncake are the only characters that we’ve seen Gary have these “love at first sight” reactions to and Mooncake is the first character that I recall Quinn being nice to in S1. 

So.. my heart was very full when they ripped it from my chest moments later. Mooncake has been watching Team Squad members be self sacrificing for a little while now, and he loves his family and Gary so much that he rushes straight towards danger. (Sure, I don’t think that he estimated how powerful Ash could be at this moment), but he had to at least consider that he might be caught or left behind.

Bitch, Ash is GONE. She said, “Fuck all y’all!” Not knowing whether or not Mooncake is destroyed makes it very hard for me to know how much I can stand this, but I also want to hope that he is gonna survive. Quinn having to make the decision to lightfold is hella sad, but even though Gary is destroyed, he has to know that this is exactly how Ash must’ve felt whenever he had to make the call to leave Fox behind. She hated to do that to Gary. She even seemed more regretful about it than Gary did whenever he had to leave Fox and when he left Ash. Sure, its because she loves him more than he loved Fox and Ash, but its a terrible position to be in to have to hurt somebody you love like that. On the other hand, they gave her hella shit for them not escaping when could have the first time, so naturally, she was going to make this decision. 

It very much sucks that Invictus is free and my brain can’t eeem FATHOM what that means for everything and everybody, but the Final Space poisoning left the Team Squad’s system, so maybe there is a rejuvenation of some sort in Invictus’ power? Or does Final Space poisoning leave your system as soon as you leave Final Space? I don’t think that was clarified. 

Anyways, I still don’t hate Ash. Y’all can say whatever about it, but I see sad white boys get forgiven all day every day on this site, and I’m upset, but I’m not letting my baby go. I’m not cheering her on, but unless she dies, I’m gonna hope for the best for her, like I said here. 

DAMN this season was some shit. Ionknow if I’m emotionally capable of watching another season of Final Space in progress. If they make it back for another season, I will most likely just wait until the end to dive in and let them shock my senses all at once instead of on a weekly goddamn basis, because GODDAMN GODDAMN GODDDAMN!

@andromidagalaxie @daintyurbanprincess @shslargue @space-finally​  The Quinnary Moments Masterlist probably won’t be ready by Quinn’s birthday, since her birthday is the day before Juneteenth, but I’ve started on a little fic that I might have the first installment of posted by then. We shall see. 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Here is my JOURNEY during my first watch of the first two seasons of the show. (I watched Season 3 in progress and waited until it was over to write up this review) and my probably incoherent tag of whenever I do me a lil’ liveblogging: Nesha Watches Final Space, and here is my review on Quinnary: BFCD Reviews by Nesha: (Quinn Ergon/Nightfall x Gary Goodspeed) FINAL SPACE

[avis-writeshq]

Can you write a song fic? Do you do those? With Oikawa based on the song Ours by Taylor Swift? Love your blog btw!

Oikawa Tooru x Reader: Ours

Requested: Yep, by anon!

Pairing: Oikawa Tooru x Fem!Reader

Summary: Elevator buttons and morning air, sometimes people suck. But when there’s a light at the end of the tunnel (cough, Oikawa), you can’t help but keep moving.

Warnings: Fluff, small angst if you look carefully, trash writing

Other: I loooooovveeee this song! It’s basically a baby ‘Lover’ aw! Thanks for the request anon!

Word count: 1,647                                                                                            

 Things you probably wanna know, for all you ‘x reader’ illiterates:

Y/N: Your Name

(H/C): Hair Colour / Color

(E/C): Eye Colour / Color

(N/N): Nickname

***

 You shuffled awkwardly into the tiny gap in the elevator, clutching your brief case tightly. You silently cursed the chatty café worker who tried to get you to buy 3 banana breads when you only wanted 1. You glanced around though your peripheral vision; you knew all these people. The janitor in the corner and the annoying office lady who always has a little lipstick on her teeth… even the frustrating office prankster who worked in the stall right next to you. And yet… you didn’t know their names. You would’ve thought that after 2 years of working in the same company you would get used to your colleagues, right?

 Wrong.

 You closed your eyes tightly, waiting to reach the 42nd floor. You needed to get through the day. Well, unless one of your co-workers decided to test your patience.

 Patience… how could a random annoying person test your patience? Honestly, you probably dealt with the worst. A fond smile drifted onto your face at the thought. At least he genuinely apologised when he annoyed you.

 The soft ding of the elevator brought you out of your reverie. You tried to take a step forward, only to be pushed over by the rest of the people who were once occupying the elevator.

 “H-hey!” You yelped, dropping your case to the floor despite the iron-grip you had on it. “Friggin hell…”

 Apparently respect is an uncommon thing around here. You let out a soft sigh, “Tooru… when you get back, you owe me chocolate and a Disney marathon.”

 With that, you walked over to your little stall and dropped the case to the floor. Turning your computer on, you couldn’t help but stare at the desktop image. It was a selfie of you and Oikawa. He was doing a peace sign at the camera while pressing a kiss to your cheek. You shook your head. Come on, focus.

 Oikawa is in America; being in the National Volleyball tournament was his dream. And this was your dream job. Yeah… what a lie.

 Your lunch break took way longer to come than expected. You fished out your store-bought salad and headed to the staff room. There were a few other staff members inside – a lot of the others preferred to go out for lunch instead of staying in the drab office.

 “Hey, isn’t that L/N Y/N?”

 Your name caught your attention and you listened into the conversation.

 “Why is she working here while her boyfriend is all the way in America? Isn’t she scared of him finding someone better?”

 Well, they weren’t being subtle about their rudeness. But the truth is, you were scared, even if it was just a little bit. You didn’t want to be, you trusted him, but there was a small nagging doubt in the back of your head. You knew what Tooru would say if he heard what you were thinking.

 “You know you’re better than them,” he told you once when you finally drew out the confidence to tell you how you felt. “Don’t you worry your pretty little mind. I’m yours. Forever and always.”

 The day seemed to go on and on, but then the clock hit 5 o’clock and you bolted out of the office building. Finally! You got out of that cramped little stall. You let out a long sigh as you boarded the train, scrolling through your social media.

 “So… you’re Oikawa’s little toy, huh?”

 You froze at the icy tone of the woman next to you. She was, for lack of better words, completely and utterly gorgeous. Her ruby painted lips and her large hoop earrings, as well as her long platinum hair, gave her a superior vibe and you shuffled awkwardly at her words. Toy?

 “What are you-”

 “Oh? Tooru didn’t mention me?” A sickly sweet smile stretched across her face. “I am Tachibana Reina.” She looked you up and down, her smile quickly replaced with a scowl. “I wonder why Oikawa went for the likes of you.”

 You said nothing, thinking of another comeback. No matter how hard you tried, she had a point. There was nothing that special to you. The only thing you were ‘known for’ was your crazy dance moves – and you swore everyone who witnessed that to secrecy. You shook your head mentally. You can’t think like that. You shouldn’t care about what people have to say about you and Tooru. After all, he was your boyfriend. He was yours, not anyone else’s and he was like a loyal puppy. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt you and you probably trusted him more than you trust yourself.

 “Maybe because I’m real,” you answered backhandedly.

 “What did you say?!” Whoop, she’s angry now.

 You shrug casually, getting up just as the train stopped. “Well, it was nice talking to you. See you never.” And with a smile and a wave, you hopped off the train.

 ***

“Hey!”

 The tired man on the other side of the screen smiled at your energetic form. “Hello, my love.”

 You grin, “Are you tired? Sorry, it must be really early there…”

 “I was just about to do my morning run,” Oikawa hummed letting out a yawn. “It’s nice to know that my lovely girlfriend is thinking about me. Well? How was your day?”

 “The usual,” you shrugged. “Was shoved over in the elevator, had a bunch of office ladies gossip about me behind my back, the works. Oh, but I did manage to flip off one of your crazy exes so that was nice.”

 He snorted, but a glimmer of concern was in his eyes. “Did they say anything?”

 “Well, your lovely ex, Tachibana I think her last name was, decided to shoot some insightful words to me,” you rolled your eyes. “I’m fine though, no biggie.”

 Oikawa gazed at you through the screen and a charming smile lit up his features. “You’re perfect, Y/N-chan~. Don’t listen to them, okay?”

 “I haven’t been for the past 5 years, thanks for noticing. Now go do your run dummy.”

 “I’m coming home tonight~ see you later!”

 And after pressing the big red button and putting your phone on charge, you slowly drifted to sleep.

 ***

Life seemed to hate you. Eh, you were used to it by now. The elevator was packed again today, and you did your best to push your way through. And… you got hit in the face with a briefcase, someone spilled coffee on your white shirt, and you almost landed flat on your face when someone ‘accidentally’ tripped you over. You groaned, reminding yourself to take the stairs next time, even if you have to walk up 42 floors and die halfway.

 And the whole day went the same. You had to deal with the same old shenanigans. People talking behind your back, the random paper aeroplanes that missed your head by an inch, that 1 staff member who liked to steal people’s food even though it was clearly labelled… man, you better get that dumb promotion or you were so out of there.

 5 o’clock seemed to never come as you stared blankly at your computer screen. ‘Woah, Tooru is in another magazine. Good job, babe, if you don’t treat me to chocolate, yaint seeing a camera ever again.’ You thought to yourself, spooning another spoon of yogurt into your mouth.

 “So… when is Oikawa coming back?” A haughty voice questioned from behind you in fake sympathy.

 Your eyebrow twitched in annoyance. “Why would you like to know?”

 “It must be hard… long-distance relationships are the worst.” She smirked at you.

 “It’s not as bad as people make it out to be. I trust him.” A soft smile graced your features and the woman scoffed, flicking her hair over her shoulder and leaving you to your peace.

 ***

So, according to Miyagi Airlines, Tooru’s flight would arrive at 5:30, which allowed you more than enough time to scoot your butt to the airport. You let out a sigh, scrolling through the pictures on your phone as you sat in the train. Reminiscing the times during High School seemed to be the best thing you could have done and you felt all the negative emotions that you built through the day seemed to evaporate. All the memories of the old volleyball team at Aoba Josai, meeting Tooru for the first time in your first year… yeah, those were the best times. You smiled wistfully at your phone. Damn, you couldn’t wait to bury him alive in hugs and kisses.

 As soon as the train came to a stop, you ran out through the doors and scoured the airport for the America-to-Japan flight. Aha, bridge 8.

 And that’s where you saw him. Glasses on his gorgeous tired face, his chocolate brown locks messy and tousled like always… you swore you fell in love all over again. And then, he saw you. His once tired expression was replaced with a bright smile that shone like a thousand stars. As he dropped his backpack to a random chair, you threw your briefcase to the side before wrapping your arms around him.

 He buried his head into your shoulder, peppering light kisses against your neck as he did so.

 “I missed you.” He murmured, tangling his long fingers into your hair as he pressed his lips to yours.

 You smiled into the kiss, whispering against his lips, “I missed you, too.”

 And the smiles and laughs that overtook your features were bright and loud, despite the small tears that pricked in your eyes that he gently wiped away.

 “You owe me a Disney marathon,” you said, as he picked his suitcase up from the baggage claim.

 “Yeah, I had a feeling,” he grinned, entwining his fingers with yours.

 You smiled, squeezing his hand lightly. You could get used to this.

 [The stakes are high. The water’s rough. But this love is ours.]

Copyright Disclaimer:

All characters except for the reader and my OC’s (listedbelow) are the work of Haruichi Furudate(古館春一).This is not part of the canon work by any means. I do not claim ownership overthe characters or the Haikyuu storyline and plot. Without Furudate Sensei’swork, myself as well as many other writers are unable to create these stories.

 My OC’s:

Fukuhara Aneko(福原あねこ)

Hasegawa Sakura (長谷川さくら)

Emiko Etsudo (えつどうえみこ)

Tachibana Reina (橘れいな)

[k-writer1998]

Rebel Hours (9/18)

Kwon Jieun always fit her parents’ image of the “perfect” daughter… at least to their knowledge. Away from prying eyes she was like any other girl living life to the fullest doing what she wants. When a little someone named Bang Chan comes into her life priorities are changed, mistakes are made, and her life finally becomes her own.

Fluff

w.c: 1.6k

Warning: There is a lot of cussing in this one

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What’s up hyung? Why did you need us so early? It’s still morning.”

      Changbin’s voice carried from the studio as I grabbed bottles of water from the fridge before joining them. After dropping Jieun back at her apartment, I asked Changbin and Felix to meet back at my place.

“Sorry, you’re the only ones who would have the answers I’m looking for.”

“Us? What’s this about?” Changbin asked.

“Well you know how I’ve been talking to a girl right?”

“You mean the girl you are basically in love with?”

“Eun right?” Felix added, ignoring Changbin’s teasing. 

“Yeah… well about that, you know Kwon Jieun?”

“Where are you going with… wait a minute, no way,” Changbin’s eyes narrowed in disbelief.

“Yeah, I was surprised too but she told me everything so…”

“Who knew Kwon Jieun was secretly a rebel? I mean, it’s understandable but dang.”

“Wow hyung that’s some news, you’re still together though right?”  

“Yeah, and that leads me into my next question Felix. Do either of you know a Kyunghoon? He was at the gala yesterday.”

      Both of their faces fell sour at the mention of his name. If even Felix doesn’t like him, he must be a real scumbag. I know she asked me to stay out of it but after hearing what that prick did to her how could I? It would be a disservice to the world if I didn’t put him in his place. Both boys looked at each other for a moment before Felix spoke.

“We do, but how do you know him? He’s not someone you should associate yourself with.”

“Yeah, I just have a score to even with him.”

“Did he do something to Jieun? I saw them together last night,” Changbin questioned.

“She called me to pick her up from the gala, hence I found out she was Jieun. That asshole tried to force himself on her…”

      The anger I felt as the words left her lips resurfaced as my own mouth had to repeat it. No one deserves to be in that situation and I’ll be making sure he won’t be doing it again.

“I’ve heard some pretty messed up things about him. He’ll brag about himself to anyone willing to listen and I’ve heard a rumor that when he brags about the girls he’s been with, he shows off pictures or something,” Changbin explained as he rolled his eyes.

“What are you planning to do hyung? What do you need us for?”

“I need to figure out how to get him alone, I just want to talk.”

“‘YoU juSt WAnT tO tALk’ my ass. Hyung you can’t be serious, you’ll get caught.”

“Felix is right, there are cctvs let alone he only goes to high profile places that have strong surveillance.”

“I’ll figure it out but I’m doing it either way, with or without you guys.”

“Damn it hyung, why are you such a handful?”

      Changbin whined but they ultimately agreed to help me. After coming up with a solid plan, the boys left and it was back to the studio until I received a text from an unknown contact.

To: Chan 🧐

Please tell me you are going to make Kyunghoon pay.

To: ????

Who is this?

To: Chan 🧐

🙄 It's Seunghee. If you are, I want in. Jieun’s plan stinks

To: Seunghee?

Yeah I am… but don’t tell her. How did you get my number btw?

To: Chan 🧐

I won’t but there's nothing I can't find. Remember that. I give my blessings as her best friend but take this as a warning. I can track you with a snap of my fingers, you can’t hide from me.

To: Jieun’s Best friend 😰

… noted. I'll text you the details.

      I was so busy texting Seunghee that I didn't see a message from Jieun telling me her best friend stole my number from her phone. I chuckle to myself, she really got me there, I'll give Seunghee that. After bringing her up to speed she told me she'll deal with the cameras. I was about to ask her how but then I remembered Jieun said her best friend’s family was in the security business. With everything set, it was time to enact the plan. It took Changbin and Felix a few days to pull a few strings to get Kyunghoon at one of the popular shopping districts today. Everything was nearly perfect, aside from the fact that I was meeting Jieun today. I just have to not be late and hopefully she won’t find out.

      I put on my black hoodie over my white sweater and adjusted my black cap before heading out. Changbin lost a game to Felix and had to take one for the team so he would be meeting up with Kyunghoon. Once I arrived, I saw Changbin and Kyunghoon around the luxury stores we agreed to set the trap at. Seohee had already messed with the cctv server so the cameras were down in the whole area. I put on a face mask before quickly sprinting by and stole Kyunghoon’s wallet from his hands, turning back in my escape to taunt him. It was an extra push to ensure he would chase me. Someone as prideful as him wouldn’t sit still. By the shouting behind me, it worked like a charm. I led him into one of the alleyways and purposefully got myself caught in a dead end.

“You messed with the wrong person, asshole. If you knew who my dad was you would be shitting yourself, so just hand over my wallet and I won’t beat you too bad.”

      I smirked beneath my mask and put my hands up in mock surrender as I turned around. I wagged my finger at him to provoke him and just like everything else, he bit the bait. I easily dodged his attacks, taking the defensive until he lost his temper and got sloppier which left him full of openings for me to go on the offensive. After roughing him up a bit, making sure it showed on his face that he lost, I grabbed his arm and forced his face to the wall, pinning him in place.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?!”

“You messed with my girl when she obviously wasn’t interested. I would think someone like you would have better manners but I guess no one can expect much from a spoiled rat like you.”

“Hehe, sorry I can’t remember her but with a boyfriend like you she was probably begging for more cause you couldn’t fill her up. I bet she was tight as-”

“I’ve been lenient but I dare you to speak about my girlfriend like that again, I won’t hesitate to break something,” I cut off.

“Once my dad finds out who you are, you're done for. You hear me?! Who cares about some no good slu-”

“I’m gonna need you to shut up now, I don’t think you understand who has the upper hand here,” I growled.

      My anger flared as this piece of trash kept running his mouth, so I slowly pulled his arm up until he started to scream in pain. 

“Okay! OKAY! I get it you bastard!”

“Good. Now listen carefully. When a girl says no, you’re going to back off, understand?” I pressed him harder into the wall for emphasis and I felt his head nod against the surface before I continued, “If I so much as hear a peep about you doing anything against a girl's will again, I'll come back and next time I won't be going easy."

      I threw him to the ground along with his wallet before taking off. The strings of curses that filled the air as I made my escape was like music to my ears. After discarding the mask, I met up with Felix who brought me my backpack where I discarded my jacket and hat before circling back. Kyunghoon was yelling as Changbin and the security guard tried to calm him down. A triumphant smile tugged at my lips at the sight of the damage I did. Felix and I waited at the fountain for Changbin to get out of the mess.

“Who ever you got to deal with the cameras did a good job, there was no footage of any of it whatsoever. Kyunghoon was pissed,” Changbin laughed.

“It was Seunghee.”

“Figures, that is her best friend and her dad run the security cameras for like a third of Seoul.”

      I treated them to whatever food they wanted, as a thank you, before I left to meet Jieun. Since we were meeting for dinner I just grabbed a drink as the other two happily bought what they wanted. By the time I reached the meeting spot, I was only a few minutes late but she looked kind of… peeved?

“Hey sorry I’m late, I hope you didn’t wait too long.”

“No, I only got here a few minutes ago too,” she shrugged.

“You look cute today, I like that skirt on you.”

“Thanks. Let’s go get some food first then we can figure out what to do next?”

“... Sure, lead the way.”

      No smile, no teasing? What did I do? We haven’t talked much today… there is no way she found out, right? We walked together and I didn’t realize she had asked me a question until I felt her elbow lightly poke my side.

“Huh?”

“I asked what you did today silly,” she lightly smiled.

“Oh, I just hung out with Felix and Changbin.”

“Was that before or after you went after Kyunghoon even though I asked you not to?”

      She tilted her head and raised an eyebrow at me as she waited for a response. If I wasn’t in trouble I would tell her how hot she looked but now was not the best time. How did she find out?

[raguna-blade]

Revolutionary Girl Utena 4-7

Hm...Not quite as clean as last time, but hey. Less stewing, for better or worse. And God, shit just keeps happening.

Episode 4

Opening 10000@ chunked full of meaning. Similarly, lacking context for any of it right now, so that's s for later,  .

Still trying to get over the bit where the two are in armor and look like they're about to come to blows before going in the same direction though.

Express the eternal beauty huh.

Also, Nanami you trfling what are you....

Woman can put her logic on a man huh...? Odd, but ok.

It's kinda amazing how much folks be putting on Anthy and not people who are actually, you know, who are actually to blame. Gotta get that Rose Bride who does....uh...Something. Girlfriend(?), Muse, Key to reVOLUTION???? Little talk o anthy. For literally everyone so far.

Though Miki at least seems to acknowledge her a bit.

When's Nanami's turn to fight.

Shadow Girls gonna make us feel mad dumb later. Feelin it.

Nanami jesus christ chill the fuck out. The most trifling bullshit I swear. Petty bullshit. Mind, Middle schooler so.

Ok, hey, that's a FUCK ton of snails. Like goddamn. Named them...? Uh... Uhhhhhhhh.

THAT IS A WHOLE ASS SNAKE WHOA HEY WAIT A MINUTE. Garter Snake but.

Makin the maxuse of those repeat frames and text.

Also, all night for the snake...?

An...Octopus....?

AN OCTOPUS? WHAT THE FUCK. YES NANAMI

A ballooon?

Miki, you literally know nothing about her.

Nanami soul crushed. Chuchu just..Trollin.

Seriously though, Anthy and animals that a thing?

Nananmi actually asking a relevant question. Why DOES everyone like Anthy so much out of nowhere? She's cute, but she's kinda reclusive so...?

Where'd Anthy learn that song? Didn't Miki write it...? Also, homeboy's sister? Found your shining thing huh?

Ending Also Clearly has some meaning that I'm not quite getting. Rose Bride Utena is...Kinda weird. Feels wrong? Gotta sit down with the lyrics for op and ending though. But yeah, both them rose brides feels...Odd. And it seems to be mirroring? So that's strange.

Do it for Miki's sake? Right and not for hers...?

Episode 5

Huh. Shadow Girls share VA with the teaming masses of school girls. Also, the budget for these fight scenes.

Why is it always the same three girls btw?

Does the Entire senior Student council just talk in riddles? Saionji was pretty straightforward but he's a dumbass apparently.

Awkward Confusing smiles abound. And this damn monkey again. I don't even dislike him he's just there. And those eyes.....

Wrote a famous song...? Uhhhhh. Sibs huh.

Destroyed the garden own hands? Miki did you do something to your sister? Oh hey caged bird little girl? Sure it's nothing.

And he left her (of no choice of his own cause fucking measles) sis got traumatized, and now idolizing that memory and his sister?

Is she dead or something? Have you talked with her? Also, where the hell...

WHAT ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH MIKI?

Utena: Please be a person Anthy I fucking beg you. This duel bullshit is dumb.

Anthy: Ok, but I'm your bride. I am down with this system my girl.

SHELL BREAKING. Wait a second, does this elevator thing happen right before every duel or revelation?

Are there only- hold up, dissolve the student council. Hey good on you Miki.

Miki: Aint this gonna fuck something up for people.

Touga: Aight, but hey if you feel it fuck the system kid.

Miki, just ignoring his sis and...what's with the dishevelment. Was she...? Piano room's not for HOLY SHIT WAS SHE FUCKING TOUGA

Sis looks just like you, But you're cuter. Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Touga, Only the winner get's to do what they want. And I banged your sister who you seem to hate, y u mad.

Miki: My sis used to look cute as an angel. You look like an angel btw

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Anthy: *BLANK EMPTY LOOK” OF COURSE I'LL STOP IF SHE TELLS ME I AM THE ROSE BRIDE

Touga: INCREASINGLY NUDE: Hey, REMEMBER THE ROSE BRIDE SHIT I JUST TOLD YOU. YOU GOTTA BE BUFF TO HAVE THE BRIDE BRUH

Two Steps: Miki I will Trash the System Touga Interrupt Fuck, I guess I gotta fight Utena in this barbaric bullshit. Due Time.

SHADOW GALS APPROVE PIRACY. Also, What do you want.

Dat Absolute Destiny Yeahhhhhhhh Settin the Mood. Someone's about to get Some kind of REVELATION. From DIOS. Or some such. Actually, Dios is pretty close to god (I may be super wrong here) but the possibly flipping nature of it all is I guess, some kind of truth thing since if it were pure skill, as suggested with Juri losing to Miki somehow, utena deffo wouldn't have beaten Saionji. So, Whoever has the better understanding of things get's the power of Dios? Thus the power to change the world? Seems straightforward enough. Though why Anthy has that power.

NEW DUEL THEME. DOPE SONGS What's the meaning cause man, they're  apparently different per duel, as per (?????) which seems so so far.

Miki: I want the Bride!

Utena: YOU SURE THIS IS HOW YOU WANT IT?

Miki, SHE WANTS THE FREE

Anthy: SOULLESS EYES. For real, she needs to emote.more regular like. Seemingly likes Utena so....

Utena Wins, Defloration Complete. Beat, like that, one stroke.

Miki's Sis: I freaked out on stage and was never good. People thought I was though

Miki: I'M GONNA GO ALL OUT ON THIS DUEL SHIT YOU WATCH.

Utena: DO YOU NOT GET IT BRUH?

Episode 6

Ah, the good ole days when you could repeat frames like that.

Nanami almost dies, weird faceless stalker and car driver, mk

Nanami: SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME, LEMME JUST HOP ON THIS TABLE TO PROVE THE POINT.

Touga: I have Important s THOT s student council work.

Oh shit that hit her square in the face..

Utena: Trying to Kill Nanami Clearly.

That ball is lodged in her dome damn.

Utena: TOGAS A THOT, FACT

Touga: KILL THEM. KILL THE VERMIN

Anthy: Life is life. Leave it be.

Nanami: MY BROTHER WANTS ME DEAD. ANTHY IS BEHIND THIS. THAT WITCH SEDUCING HIM

Why does everyone think he'd kill his sister. Damn Nanami. What's your relationship that people buy it immediately.

A whole ass horse and...chickens?

Prince Appeared. Mitsuru Tsuwabuki....?????????? Watch for the name I guess.

Why...Why do they assume all these dudes are her type off hand? Like...

Oh hey he has a face and is a small boy ok. Uh...Hey, Are you prpositioning a child. Um.

UM

Shadow Gals what he fuck does curry have to do with it. Are y'all trollin.

Also, hey Nanami. Uh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ACTUALLY DATING A KID? TO JEALOUS YOUR BROTHER? WAT

A Brocon. And a drama queen. Everyone is baffled.

What the fuck is he doing in the locker. Just...snapped her fingers. Under her desk. Man slave boy. Uh

uhhhhhh.

WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM SAIONJI. Hidden Love

Hard Ignore.

Nanami: Who are you three idiots. WHERE DID THE BOY COME FROM.

Y'all about to throw down with a kid. And he's...He won, damn. PUT HIS BODY IN THE LAKE JESUS.

Nanami: Mitsuru is my boyfriend. I can treat him how I like.

Mitsuru: ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A BOYFRIEND

Is this...Is this a rosebride thing? Like a kinda fucky mirror jam?

Also, did Touga 1v1 a Bull and win? What the fuck? I agree Mitsuru, he's pretty cool yeah.

Be a Big Bro, not a boyfriend. No choice but to put her in danger again in order to get her to be what I want.

Where did that equipment come from.

WHAT IS WITH THIS SCHOOL. A KANGAROO? WERE THEY GONNA BOX THIS ASSHOLE?

So, Mitsuru as rosebride, Gotta Protec, get’s wrecked. So...Uh..Anthy....?

Boy fucked up that kangaroo. 1V1 me YOU PUSSY DO IT COWARD.

Nanami: Don't be an idiot jesus fucking christ. I CAN'T JUST LET SOMEONE USEFUL DIE FOR ME GOD.

Was...Was Touga the one fighting the Kangaroo...For Real? Why...Why was he...One PUNCH.

Mitsuru: Lemme be your bro please.

Episode 7

Ohp, Serious time out the gate ok. Guess 6 was a palette cleanser.

Juri: Dominant. Sure I'm buff but what for? God.

Juri Arisugawa? Alice Refs...? Seen that name used that way before. I'll watch for it.

Huh, the immediate mirroring with Utena is...odd?

Juri: Fuck Off Vice Principal.

Wait, was he hitting on...her...? Oh that's not.

Chuchu always with Utena? Huh.

Also Juri, Dominant as fuck, offing students left and right.

Oh, she's explaining things. Rosebride gives power to revolution.

Utena: Oh cool, super powers. Dope. Seems MAD FUCKING STUPID.

Juri: Yeah. Seems dumb right.

Ok, juri uh...Has EVERYONE Slapped Anthy thus far? Like...Ok? Does Everyone Get a Turn? Is...Is this a thing? It's kinda.

SHELL TIME. DUEL? DUELL?

End of the World: DUEL TIME

Is touga trying to kill Miki. What's with knives man? Miki. HOW MANY KNIVES. BLINDFOLDS

Juri: I don't believe any of this shit. I'll prove it's bs.

Old love. It's 1000000% not this dude. Don't you. Play me.

ORANGE ROSE AT CROTCH LEVEL WHAT? And she got denied I guess...?

SHES IN LOVE WITH SOMOENE AND ITS NOT YOU.

There was some love triangle shit, and girl is perpetrating.

MUSIC GONE. SHITS REAL

Jesus this show is just full of bullshit.

Ok, we had a moment with why utena is the way is she is, Juri Does not approve. Miracles are Bullshit, I will dunk you in the the fucking OCEAN.

Rabbits Dance all around huh. OK.

SHADOW GALS. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

ABSOLUTE DESTINY TIME. TIME FOR SOMEONES IDEALS TO GET BUSTED I GUESS.

Also, like how the various wings on the garden go from vaguely angelic to kinda ominous. I mean the whole deal is sketchy as fuck, you don't just start singing about the apocalypse and ignore it. DARKNESS OF LIGHT DAWG. DARKNESS DARKNESS EVERYWHERE. KINGDOM HEARTS WISHES!

Also is that castle CG? It feels it but...

Juri: MIRACLES ARE BS BUT IF THEY'RE REAL SHOW ME THE TRUFACTS

Utena: NOT SURE ABOUT MIRACLES BUT WHATEVER I DON'T NEED THAT SHIT.

FIGHT. Oh boy new song.

Lucifers light...? Uh...All of this is ominous as fuck. Then a bunch of night and darkness gods.

Certainty of Death, Namely Light.

Sword Falls Just so to cut the Rose. Uh. Miracle....?

Uh...Juri Was Robbed.

Consistently though, the stronger convictions won. Juri was legit robbed, but she hesitated, so she lost.

Juri: MIRACLES ARE BULLSHIT AND MY GAY LOVE WAS NOT RESPECTED GOD

Also, Juri=Lucifer? For...The Student Council...? She does seem to be the one who least believes in this shit. She didn’t even duel utena for the rose bride like literally everyone else. She just wanted to prove Utena’s ideals wrong.

[nickblaine]

script notes part 2 (nick)

as promised here are my notes on the season 2 scripts i read, still with the heavy Nick bias. if you missed it, you can see my season 1 post here!

btw i did not write up the scenes that are already in the “script to screen” clips - like the ambulance scene, etc - since you can already see those for yourself.

uhh the writers get spicy with the love scenes in this season. felt like an erotic novel at times. i actually read the phrase “stroked his soft penis until it was hard” with my own eyes not once but twice... those table reads must’ve been a real treat 👀

June being rough with Nick wasn’t in the script, that was Lizzie. in the script Nick just kisses June and backs her up against a wall before they bone all day.

June told Nick all about the letters and how she got them during her time at the Globe, so he knows what they are when he catches her burning them later. (this wasn’t a cut scene, it’s just mentioned during said burning) also they apparently got really used to being a normal couple during that time, and going back to sneaking around is one of the hardest things June has to adjust to when she returns to the Waterfords.

June seeing Nick in the kitchen for the first time after she was caught was “like watching her life preserver float away”

when Aunt Lydia shows up at the Waterford house and makes comments about the baby’s father while Nick tries super hard to look casual - this is when Fred realizes the baby is actually his

Nick is worried sick about June “becoming Offred” again. when he asks Serena Joy to get June a different kind of doctor, he was acting entirely on his anxiety. this is what sets off Serena Joy’s jealousy aaaand...

Nick’s wedding was entirely Serena Joy’s idea. she just manipulates Fred into setting it in motion.

the wedding really did break Nick. him saying he’ll have a child of his own someday was not a dig at Fred, it was him “showing his belly to the alpha” and disclaiming their child 😭

June still thinks about Nick a lot. the scene where she walks into the kitchen and finds Fred grumpily eating a snack, she actually went in there hoping it was Nick.

Nick told June that he loves her because it’s why he can’t consummate his marriage (besides, of course, being hella grossed out by it) so it wasn’t just a random declaration with bad timing, it was basically “i can’t do this BECAUSE i love you”

during the consummation, good old “hole in the sheet” was not present in the script. also Nick thinks about June and touches himself before the actual act (see my first note 😳) then just pretty much closes his eyes and does it. he feels sick the whole time. i was trying not to scream in the library while reading this

there was nothing fishy about the weird scene with Pryce where Nick requests a transfer. it’s mostly dialogue again. but Nick was described as “shattered” (note that this is a word usually only used to describe June) by the consummation so he was apparently just panicking. this season put heavy emphasis on the breaking of Nick.

also the red center explosion was written from Nick’s perspective. he’s standing with the other drivers and about to light a cigarette when boom.

the loss of Pryce affected Nick because he saw him as “an ally and protector” (i feel like protector is an interesting choice of words)

June and Nick’s kiss at the hospital was mostly dialogue. all the touching and Nick wiping away her tears was Max and Lizzie.

June and Nick holding hands in 2x08 was also unscripted

Nick returns to his apartment stressing hard about June going to Fred’s office (where Serena Joy gets beaten) when Eden jumps him about the curtains

when Eden finds the letters and Nick gets pissed - “Nick assumes the role of patriarch with frightening ease” but he later gets mad at himself for it

the script does not clarify whether or not Eden read the letters so it must be irrelevant. this scene only brings the focus on Nick feeling overwhelmed and trapped in his own house.

when Nick is about to leave for Canada, it says he stays cold with Eden because he has not forgiven himself for scolding her

with all the Eden scenes there is a lot of “Nick doesn’t know what to say; chooses silence” going on

when Nick meets Luke - the only thing different from the “script to screen” clip is that when Nick tells Luke he’s just a driver, he pauses and adds that he lives above the garage with his wife. this is why Luke isn’t suspicious of his relationship with June.

Nick and June’s reunion after Canada was apparently the first time they had touched in months

June was unable to process the news about Luke, and Nick was “hit by the strength of this woman” gosh darniT

when he says “i love you” for the second time, June doesn’t respond because “it’s all too complicated to put into words”

Eden’s breakdown after kissing Isaac is described as a “teenage temper tantrum” and Nick was really sad for her but also 100% over his life at the moment 😬

when Nick is sitting alone flicking his lighter, he’s thinking about how he could’ve become a father that day 😭

Nick tearing up during the June/Hannah reunion was not in the script

Nick holds and comforts June as Hannah is leaving with the Martha, before Hannah runs back to her. i was surprised by this as there were still Guardians present. he also runs to her and drops to his knees in the snow to hold her again after Hannah is gone.

there is no mention of Nick in the script during the birth of their child. June is really worried for him at the beginning of this episode, but that’s it.

in the church when June starts leaking milk at the sound of Holly crying, Nick is “amazed and moved” by it while Fred is “repelled” because he’s trash

Holly is referred to only as Nichole from this point on and i really Hate it

in the Hawaii scene, Nick’s line is actually “the baby is so beautiful” but Max says “our baby” in the final cut 😭 bless you Max

Nick walked away from June’s comfort after Eden’s execution because he knew if he opened up to her he would break down

there was a cut scene where he goes back to his empty apartment and really does break down

when Rita and June are going through Eden’s belongings, there was a part where Nick is bringing the stuff in and gets sad looking at it. June holds his hand and finally gets to comfort him, right in front of Rita who’s just like “we been knew”

the “your girlfriend is a badass” scene was mostly dialogue. again, all the touching was Max and Lizzie.

the scene when Nick holds Holly is described in the script as “a real family portrait” to juxtapose Fred and Serena Joy’s family portrait 😭

June saying “i love you” to Nick was completely genuine, nothing in the script implies otherwise. Nick is described as speechless. this scene is written like a sort of happy ending for Nick and June in season 2, and mirrors the pregnancy scene in season 1.

Nick was not aware that June may escape in the last episode, but when he looked up at the house he had a gut feeling that she was going to do it.

some other random things i took note of:

when June is going through newspaper clippings at the Globe, there’s so much info about Gilead being dumped here. she listens to recordings on a tape and the script describes everything she is finding in detail. i was running out of time at this point so i’ll need to go back and take notes on this scene specifically because it’s super interesting.

during the false labor scene when Fred is entertaining commanders in his office, there is heavy emphasis on Commander Horace having a baby with his wife and the fact that he “hopes to make all commanders like Fred obsolete” so i think this may be revisited in season 3

Serena Joy was absolutely VILE during the 2x10 rape scene. even Fred feels guilt immediately afterwards and can recognize that June is a person. but Serena Joy was only upset that it was more difficult than she expected. June’s crying makes Serena realize she “might actually be a terrible person” which makes her feel weak, and the weakness makes her angry. the script goes on to say that she hates June for fighting back and making it harder than it needed to be. she even holds June down by her neck at some point. remind me again why anyone is stanning for a Serena Joy redemption??

also despite Serena Joy being complete rotten garbage, after June tells Emily “call her Nichole” she actually goes on to say “tell her about Serena, that she loved her” (instead of “tell her i love her”) because the writers apparently had amnesia while making season 2

after reading all these scripts my conclusion is that Nick/June appears to be endgame. it’s definitely NOT a lustful tryst, or a convenient affair. their whole story reads like an epic romance - season 1 especially - and Max and Lizzie added SO much depth and chemistry to their interactions when they didn’t have to. i can tell that the writers put real effort into shaping Nick into the ideal love interest for someone in June’s position, while Luke is more of an afterthought. they wouldn’t do all that if June was meant to give up Nick and go back to Luke in the end.

i think in the final cut of the show they tried to scale back the romantic aspects and put more focus on survival, but it’s still real. and yeah, the main reason i did this is because people are prone to interpreting Nick’s character wrong, even though Max is great at getting these nuances across. he shouldn’t be dismissed as a non-victim just because he happens to be a Guardian.

also, since these posts are picking up steam, if anyone has questions about something specific that i may not have mentioned, i’ll answer while the scripts are still fresh in my mind! i’ll be returning to the library at some point as well, so if there’s something you want me to look up, i will take note.

[maevelin]

Hey Maevelin I've read a lot of your KC metas being KC fan and I think youre spot on with your authentic criticism. I like youre neutrality too and I wanted to ask you do think that KC was sort of random or in the beginning was it properly executed? Thank you

Hey back! 

You got me in a KC mood so this may end up long as per usual with me. Sorry in advance for my ramblings but here we go.

There is a difference between something coming out as random due to lack of quality writing when it comes to nuances and introductions and more so when it comes to handling the secondary characters and plot stories with care or lack of it and another thing all together of something coming out as random because it was unplanned.

One things that I am known for is my good memory. Back in S3 of TVD everyone thought that Klaroline was unplanned and later on the writers and especially JP tried to make it seem so especially when we were nearing the spin-off and afterwards when the KC fandom and the writers went in direct confrontation. As if either way that was meant to matter and the fans were meant to be grateful for and not criticize anything because the writers had done to the fandom a favor we didn’t deserve when it was the other way around. The spin-off’s creation owed a big part of its creation to Klaroline and the KC fandom the writers got advantage of over and over again while treating it with disrespect; a story that kept repeating itself for as long as TO lasted and even for the new show that was created out of it based on the media attention that KC kept providing and still provides occasionally with all the bait and switch JP is known for.

Getting back on KC though. One of the things JP hated was that she didn’t create it. She let it in Caroline Dries’ hands because she didn’t care and honestly she didn’t care much for the Originals either way. At least not in the way the fans did. This was why when the time came to create the spin-off you had only but a few Originals in. Kol was killed for no reason because somehow he was deemed too dark for the dark mature show. And to add insult to injury in the episode of his death they also had him referencing NOLA when they never meant to make him part of that show because what a crime for the fans to support something the writers don’t approve or want when everything are things THEY created in the first place (the nonsense and immaturity of it all makes my head spin). Rebekah was barely in the backdoor pilot and that as an afterthought. Finn, Esther, Mikael all dead. Stories retconned. The writers that got hired for that show did not belong to the genre (check gossip girl etc) and worse of it some of them that had no experience in writing shows hated Klaus’ character with a passion (and were hired for Klaus’ show). And all of the sudden a show about the Originals that was gained and built on the fans’ love for Klaus (born from Klaus, Joseph Morgan, the TVD Originals AND YES Klaroline too as JP had admitted in one of her interviews “KC gained Klaus his show”) became a show about a hated and rejected character like Hayley was and diapers that demanded the mythology and lore to be demolished and everything to become OOC.

Let us backtrack it a bit and connect all the pieces for anyone that is not too bored doing it and reading me speaking about it. Back in S3 of TVD Joseph Morgan who played Klaus loved Klaus and also let us face it loved having a job. He knew his character was gaining traction and he also knew the show and the writers in question and most of all the network he was working in. To exist in CW you need to be part of a popular ship. We can pretend as much as we like but we are talking about light entertainment and trash shows that thrive on media attention born from shipping. The most successful shows in the CW are those that have successful flagships. The characters that survive are those that are part of successful ships. Ships like Delena, Olicity and so on secure a show’s longevity and success.

Joseph Morgan back then knew that they would kill his character in the end. There was only one way for him to stay afloat in the universe and keep his job and the character standing. A ship. So he kept nagging and insisting for one. JP had humorously said so too back then. And granted I am a cynic but I will also give it to the guy that he also wanted, and for good reason, to give more layers to his character and expand his acting and make it more challenging and a love story could add more layers to his story, his characterization, etc. Nothing wrong with that. 

And then one day JP gets all excited (so to get him off her back? lol) and tells him YAY! We have a GREAT idea you won’t believe but you are going to love! We will give you the love interest you have been begging us (and annoying us) for. And there you go enter Klaroline. Which they added -admittedly- a bit bluntly/awkwardly but on the other hand there was the barest of hints in 3x09 with the camera zooming up and down Caroline as Klaus called her Tyler’s “Pretty little girlfriend”. Directing when it comes to intentions is always important in the CW shows. Of course for an audience like the one in TVD that expects everything to be spelled out even in the foreshadowing and given the exposition the TVD writers were known for anything unexpected comes out as WTF moment and given how much hated a character or a ship is or how much another character and another ship may be this results in rejection or adoration and certainly in ship wars.

So we got 3x11 and Klaroline. And it really was no surprise given the situation that the first thing Morgan did was get in twitter and start promoting KC as much as he could. Just moments after 3x11 aired.

Did KC start a bit randomly? Maybe. It is not as if I’d expect anything better or a more intricate writing from these characters.

Did it happen fast as a story? I don’t think so. Not in TVD given the fact that as a show it was built on Stefan and Elena that they start their epic love story in the pilot, share their first kiss in the very second episode of the show, declare their love in the speed of light and have their first sex scene in the tenth episode of the show.

How about Klaroline being unplanned though? Of course it was not planned in the way Stelena and Delena ever were. Let us get that out of the way. But what of Caroline’s ships?

Let me remember that after 3x11 aired just a few days later the promotional pictures for 3x14 came out. Which meant that by the time 3x11 had aired and before people got interested in Klaroline 3x14 was being filmed or was already filmed but for sure the scripts were already written for it. Scripts that had Klaus saying to Caroline that he fancied her and there was flirting and building up a ship. So you tell me how the writers didn’t plan Klaroline from the start. When 3x14 was meant to be the original pitch for the spin-off in the network. There was a certain hype in the internal promotion of that episode in the network. That was the first taste they gave the network and basically said watch this is what we can do. 3x14 is still considered one of the most important episodes of TVD (to which there had been a lot of preparation for) and one of the most successful and popular that was basically the untitled backdoor pilot for what the Originals were meant to be (as a collective for building a show on them) and what TVD was all about. From the way the Originals reunited, to their infamous shot in the stairs, to the intrigue, the warfare. Right down to the romance (Klaroline, Rebekah and Matt (which no one spoke of how unexpected that was btw) etc), the magic, Esther as the villain, Finn as the antagonist, the blood tree with the Viking names, with how the TVD triangle was presented, the dance, right down to the hints they had given for Damon and Kol but later took back. For such an important episode nothing is left to chance trust me. And episode they were planning before 3x11. Klaroline was a big part of that episode that was set in motion before 3x11 aired. So let us get the fake pretenses out of the way because I am tired of them. (Also let me point out here that for an episode that was meant to be one of the signature episodes of TVD we saw exactly what JP was all about…her racism was showing big time…Bonnie was suddenly missing in an episode where a witch like her should be in her gown in the front and center but you see the trademark episode of TVD was whitewashed down to the last moment of it. Shocking right?…said no one ever…)

Anyway do I believe that Klaroline as it ended up being was planned? No. I think they meant it as a fluke. Something to fill air time for when Trevino due to his contract would be gone. Since Forwood had being doing relatively well back then. You know KC was meant to serve as an obstacle no one would particularly bother with aside from it being a fleeting thing. And a way to give more attention to Klaus and the spotlight to the Originals too. I think it was meant to do its short circle and if the network would not be interested in the Originals for Klaus to die by the end of S3. Something that Joseph Morgan and Claire Holt were fighting against as they were the ones that fought for getting a show for the Originals. They fought for the spin off and we all saw what happened with it and especially with Claire. And who ended up signing first even before Joseph. Goes to show how much JP had the Originals’ best interest in mind (Yes, that is sarcasm.)

But plans and what not Klaroline took them by storm. They hadn’t expected such popularity. Something to rival even Delena. Something from secondary characters that did not want to bother that much with and something that JP didn’t create. If KC was her baby I assure you her treatment of it and of the fans would have been much better. Especially since later on she tried to copy paste it and replicate it but couldn’t make anything work.

So if I think Klaroline was well executed. Tricky question LOL...I am always defending Klaroline. Subjectively and objectively to a degree but that does not change that Klaroline was still part of a certain work that lacked certain things.

In the midst of chaos that TVD was I’d say yeah for the most part but that doesn’t say much.

Let me be honest here. Klaroline never reached the potential it could have had. i used to be bitter about it. And I felt that I was cheated out of something awesome but later on I realized it was just as awesome exactly because it was left unfinished in the way it did. Given the alternatives as we saw them later on. 

I think one of the reasons that Klaroline was saved -somewhat- quality wise (relatively) was because Klaus in TVD was straightforwardly the villain (no sugarcoating and bullshit to suddenly justify his crap in the expense of the plot and the other characters and even his own character) and both Klaus and Caroline were secondary characters. The focus thankfully was not on them. That meant that the usual crap Julie threw to the characters (especially female ones) and the ships she works with were not thrown in to Klaroline. There was not much screen time for JP to mess the ship up and most of the control for it was left in Caroline Dries’ hands. Of course the chemistry Joseph and Candice had was spectacular and that always helps but it was like catching lightning in a bottles. KC was more or less a ship that served its purpose as a characterization piece for both Klaus and Caroline when it came to them as a ship and their individual characters. Klaroline did not affect the plot that much -if at all- but did wonders for the character development of Klaus and Caroline. We saw more layers, depths, nuances and things that belonged to the particular vampire genre that were missing from the show in certain ways. Everything just clicked. And there were also controversial scenes given to them that they would never dare give to anyone else that added to the complicated web of everything that Klaroline was. It was raw and demanded a more intellectual approach to fill in the blanks. What I loved about Klaroline was that it was not brimming with exposition. Not everything had to be spelled out. Which is always good. More is less in many cases. Some may feel that less is undeveloped. And I’d agree up to a point that Klaroline’s development was cut in half because of reasons that had nothing to do with Klaroline and the writing to pander to those reasons lack consistence, respect and logic. Otherwise up to the point Klaroline was worked with I’d say that things were generally executed decently. Of course even back then JP kept KC for the sweeps and the promotion so the pace was jarring many times with KC being absent even for up to six months until the KC fandom was needed for the ratings and the media circulation. But I am also a believer that good things come to those that wait and quantity does not necessarily mean quality. Klaroline in the end had substance, something that TVD was known for lacking but I am also honest enough to admit that a lot of that when it came to Klaroline was created by the potential it had as a ship. What could have been and would have been ended up being the pillars that kept the KC fandom going and was better that what was in the end which is something that applied to everything TVD ever did. And by everything I mean...everything. Not a single thing excluded. 

So overall if I take a step back I think that Klaroline was the ship of dreams in the way that dreams made it float. Klaroline was all for the potential. Of what it was promised to be. Of what it could be, what it could have been. The kind of ship that in the hands of capable writers would have left history but in when it came to the TVD writers we unfortunately were left with wasted potential but even so it still held on to shreds of quality that many things from TVD were missing. Because in comparison I believe that despite the wasted potential Klaroline as it was was still far better than most of the things TVD ever worked with. And that speaks volumes. (I am not even including TO in because that’s just a joke at this point.)

Klaroline was built on interesting tropes and subverted certain tropes too. While Delena for example was based on the bad boy/antihero - good girl trope Klaroline was based on the enemies to lovers trope with one part of it being the villain and the other part being the kind of female character that didn’t regress but found agency in the ship something that was denied from every other female character TVD had. The fact that Klaroline also belonged to the golden writing age of TVD before the quality went to shit was a blessing in disguise as was the fact that they dropped the ship when they did.

I honestly believe that we dodged a bullet. As weird as it may sound. Given the mess TO proved to be, given what JP did with TVD once Kevin was completely out. I’d say that even though they cut Klaroline in mid development given what followed then we were particularly lucky. Better wounded and saved than completely and utterly destroyed in the core.

[wecouldbelongtogether]

Not your typical love story because a girl woke up and fell in love with a gay sweetheart. It's a tough journey.

I'm a bisexual girl who happens to like girls a lot. I had two ex girlfriends and zero boyfriends in the past though I dated a few guys too. For the past years, some people considered me as lesbian already as my interest in men almost hit the rock bottom while women gets my attention effortlessly. As I get to meet more people and evaluate myself, I kinda realize maybe I'm demisexual or something. It's so easy to be interested with anyone but it's a different story to fall in love with someone.

I have this circle of friends at school called marupokswhom I am badly attached and close to. We go on adventures together, share little secrets, get drunk, sneak out, cry together and I have to say that there is one special person in my circle, let's name him 'K'.

Let's drop the bomb, K is gay. Not the guy looking gay but he is very gay. The moment he speaks, the moment he moves, the moment you hear him, you know he is that gay. So cute.

In our circle, we have bisexual guys too who acts feminine too but I have to say that K is the girliest of them all, maybe even girlier than the other real girls in our squad lol. Still cute.

K and I? We weren't really close. We share jokes — he is witty and very funny — and stories and hang out but we're not that tight. If you leave us together in a room — just us — there might be some awkward silence. You know?

I don't really pay attention to him that much, he was just a normal school friend before though there are times he is there drinking with me and some of our mutuals, he heard my tragic story about my ex girlfriend, he heard the complicated stuffs about me and my love life and my mind bleh. He's a good listener in my opinion, but then one day I woke up and asked myself: He always listen, not just to me but to each of the squad's stories, but did I ever try to listen to him? That's the time I started to notice him.

His eyelashes are so long, his skin glows, it fascinates me to stare at him when he talks. Our squad is composed of about 11 members so it's kinda hard to speak in big groups, some won't pay attention, some gets distracted, some may not even know you're speaking but when he speaks, I try my best to listen. And then I knew a little bit about his story.

He's either sleeping or laughing or smiling. But then behind those happy and sleepy bean, there is another book.

A broken family that he keeps wishing to be complete again. Struggles in life to survive this cruel world. He needed to work while studying to help his family and himself. Jeez. I can't imagine myself being in such situation considering that I am so lazy and my family are well and stable, we never really had financial problems or anything related to that.

I remember what K said, he was like the mother and father to his own family. Masyadong maaga pa but he had no choice. Sucks. Now he works at a fast food chain — Jollibee, my favorite, lol!

You know what's so fascinating about it? He loves his work. I don't think it's just because of the money he earns from it but he is that appreciative kind of person. Maybe he appreciates his colleagues, his manager, the fast food chain itself, the operations, the memories that he learned to naturally love what he is doing. Imagine that? Instead of cursing and going like "Hay nako may duty nanaman ako." He goes like "May duty ako." There's a difference.

I can feel his passion and care for the place he works on. It's amusing and sweet at the same time. He is really appreciative of things — very.

He also do sidelines to earn, that's so diligent of him. I remember him selling coin banks. Ang sipag samantalang ako tamad tamad. Lol! He is also a student council treasurer of our school's organization ACES-PICE. Btw, he won the elections by a super landslide (I'm so proud! He deserves all the votes yessssss!!) He hosts civil engineering events on our school too even without any talent fee — just love. Ain't he the nicest?

Last year, November 2018 we had a ball and he hosted it. He had a co-host and it irked me to hear that there was an instance where a student officer handed a food for his co-host and had nothing for K. Jesus. What the actual fuck? She even asked K to hand the food to his co-host.

Man, I saw all K's efforts for that whole week, for that whole event, he hosted the event without asking for any fee but to treat him like that, like "Wag ka na bigyan ng pagkain, sayang budget."

Where's the appreciation? Where's the consideration.

Ano ba naman yung kahit food nalang oh. Sick. Don't get me wrong but that student officer is a trash. Sorry not sorry. I'm so angry lol.

As a busy officer that night, I still managed to eat at the buffet, K was so occupied with the hosting and the only time he was able to munch something was when I brought my plate backstage and he had a few bites of my food. I hate that I wasn't able to do anything for him that time. Ugh.

After that night, I appreciated him more as a person. I didn't have heavy feelings yet but I barely noticed that the path I was taking was on the way there.

I started with throwing banats and cheesy jokes on him on our group chat. Our friends laugh at us a lot because I am their friend that they can't imagine being with a guy more because I AM THAT INTO GIRLS FOR ALMOST MY WHOLE LIFE and K is so gay that he's like created by the heavens for a guy. Then it went on and on then one day I realized, I really like this person.

I went crazy. I locked myself in a room and evaluated myself and my feelings. Maybe I'm lost? It's just a crush but no it wasn't JUST a crush. I kept it for myself for a while. I never saw it coming — me liking a friend who is gay who is biologically a man. That is like against all my rules and against the norm.

I remained silent. I didn't want to make things awkward but people were right. The more you hide what you feel, the more it demands to manifest.

Then I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell someone about it and I told one of the marupoks, Abbi, about it (love her). She was startled because as I've said, it was against all my rules and the norm but she is the most understanding and open minded person in our group, she knew how great K is and there is literally nothing not to like about him.

Then I continued to keep all my feelings to myself. Some of the squad started to ask me who am I blushing to, who is my crush but I kept it hidden and when I drop K's name, they won't take it seriously. I thought it was a good coincidence.

I gave him a polo top as a Christmas gift from H&M. I thought of buying it because I remember one time he showed me a polo top from a shop (I forgot) and he looked so amused by it. Hindi naman siya maluho that's why I thought it wouldn't hurt to buy him something he can use and might like, right?

Man, it's been ages since I felt that feeling. You know? Going to a mall and thinking what is a good thing to buy for him? This looks good on him? He might like this. I forgot myself and that's so rare.

My friends think I'm joking whenever I put efforts for K but the truth is I'm actually expressing. I thought maybe K would find it as a joke too because I've been very playful with him ever since but then as days go by, I don't know if I'm getting off guard or if he is just that sensitive to notice. Some of them started to worry about me.

Baka masaktan ka.

'pag ikaw umiyak—

Control control lang.

I always tell them he's just my happy crush but I knew I was in love.

HOW WEIRD IS MY LOVE FOR K?

I knew I was when I thought about rejection but I was ready for the pain he might cause and I wasn't afraid of it. I knew I was in love when I didn't care if he tells me he doesn't feel the same way because the only thing I want is for him to know.

I didn't want him to know because I want to oblige him to love me back or to pressure him to reciprocate what I do, I just wanted him to know that there is someone believing in him, there is someone appreciating him, there is someone out there loving him for who he is because that's what he deserves.

You deserve all the love in the world.

I always tell him.

He said he was so touched when I said it to him the first time but I always wonder why nobody has told him that yet or why isn't there anyone reminding him that? Jesus. He's so wonderful, it hurts.

Ever since I had my heart broken from my first girlfriend, I've been very wary of the people I date and people I get interested to. My walls went so high, I may get interested but when I see one flaw in the person I date, I tend to just choose giving up and stopping everything because I was traumatized by my past. I was destroyed when I gave almost everything to my former love, courted her for half a year even if she was straight. Nabasted for a couple of times but I thought she was worth the struggles, I won her but then she just ended up cheating on me after being with me for two years. I just find it hard to be interested with someone and trust them completely. I was tainted, I had trust issues with everyone thinking they will just all end up hurting me like my ex.

I dated a lot of people but honestly, I haven't felt the strong admiration I had for my ex to anyone until K came along. He was special, even I was surprised.

Akala ko di na ako makakafeel ng ganitong kilig, ganitong devotion and determination for someone. I even wrote a song for him. He inspired me that much.

Man, I have so much words for him. He is perfectly imperfect and I love his assets and flaws — I don't mind seeing more.

We already talked face to face.

He said he thinks I'm out of his league. I'm above him, he said. Then I told him "Eh I'm looking up to you." Hoping he'll realize that I am not in anyway out of his league and he is wonderful, don't he ever dare to put himself down.

He said he doesn't deserve me, I deserve someone better because he's just him. Common line but I know my worth. I know what I deserve but put me out of the picture — YOU are the one who deserve so much more. You're amazing.

He said when he knew that I liked him he was surprised, he couldn't believe it. Then when I started to be vocal and showy about my feelings, he had no choice but to take it in and he confessed that it overwhelms him to have someone to put so much effort on him and he just couldn't help but think of how to return the feelings, efforts and gifts. I told him I don't need him to return all of that, I don't need him to think HOW to reciprocate and return all of it, I just want him to think WHY I do all of those efforts and WHY I give him all those appreciation and surprises. Simple. Because he deserves to be treated that way, he deserves to be loved that way, he deserves to be spoiled that way.

He deserves more and all.

He once smiled with a face of disbelief as if everything he's hearing was surreal, then he asked me bakit ako? Then I laughed because I couldn't believe he had to ask why? Is life that shit to him that he doesn't know how wonderful he is? I replied bakit hindi? He was silenced. I hope he realized his worth, bakit nga ba hindi?

Then I looked at him in the eye and told him how most of the people close to the both of us ask me why do I like him, it's weird, it's unusual but then I told him alam mo kung ano sagot ko? He asked what? I told him: What is not to like about him? What is not to like?

He once told me he is afraid to take risk and he doesn't want to take risk because things might go out of hand and he doesn't wanna hurt anyone or me. I told him it's okay. He can reject me that very moment face to face and I will accept it. I told him I might be even proud na nabasted ako ng isang katulad niya knowing how great he is. I won't be ashamed of it. He is really something to be proud of. Best thing I never had.

I told him not to worry about me. If he doesn't like me back that's okay. I saw it coming already, I was half ready for it. I won't be lying but that shit hurts but what is pain? It heals and when it heals,it leaves scars and scars remind us of lessons.

I'm so enchanted. I'm in the state of wanting him so bad but I won't complain if I won't for as long as he is happy. I don't care if he reciprocates the love or not for as long as I see him smile. My walls are down for him, kahit masaktan okay lang, I'm such a masochist but the pain he is inflicting on me reminds me that I still feel and I still know what love is — thank you for that.

I have no bad words for K. I'll stick to my words. He is wonderful and I know whenever I get hurt because of him, it wasn't his intention. His intentions are pure, I trust him so much that my guards are all down.

I admit it hurts me to think one day he might find someone else but then on a second thought, I won't mind because seeing him happy is at the top of my list — masasaktan lang naman ako for a while pero at least siya forever na masaya if he finds his perfect pair, what's so bad about that?

Nevertheless, after all the talks, I knew the feeling wasn't mutual and that's okay. I told him you can reject me everyday but I won't stop putting efforts for you. Just because he didn't feel the same way for me ibig sabihin he became less wonderful? E he deserves all the love nga 'di ba? Why stop? Just because nasaktan naging hypocrite?

K is worth pursuing, K is worth fighting for.

I think he lost words already and he knew there is no way to change my mind about him so he just told me to just stay and we'll try to get through it without being weird around each other. I agreed. Kinda hard at first but kakayanin dahil yon ang gusto ni crush. I'm just a puppy. Jk.

I told him to just let me appreciate him because I'm happy, if he's in the state just not being ready, I can wait for him but alongside, I promised him that I'll stop when he finds his perfect man — I won't interfere, I'll let go, life goes on. In return, I asked him to promise me to choose the one who will treat him the way he deserves.

NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS, K! YOU DESERVE ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD. :)

[roaring-screaming-20s]

My roomate, the narcissistic hypocrite

They would say something is fair game

Then get mad when I use it. "I don't remember saying that"

They said shouting triggers them,

Yet they could shout curse words at me. I had to be understanding of their triggers. I'm wasn't allowed to tell them to leave in the middle of a crisis. I wasn't allowed to raise my voice, to cry

They loved telling people what they're not worth

They're not worth the headache

They said I can't walk away, can't "ignore" them when I'm angry

Then they got mad when I answered their yelling comments in an empty (except for us) room

They told me TELL them when I'm upset and "ignoring them"

When I did, they assumed it's about them and tell me "Whatever I don't know why you're upset and I don't give a damn. I haven't done anything to you"

Yeah. They don't give a damn.

They would make plans with my girlfriend and almost never told me or invited me

Yet, they got mad when someone didn't tell them when/where/why they're doing something or going somewhere

They got even madder when someone didn't tell or invite them

They said I don't have common courtesy when I used the last egg (even though there's a whole container underneath)

Yet, they never washed their dishes, relied on their mother to do their clothes and take their trash and get a good portion of their groceries, left food plates everywhere, never gathered the trash unless forced by circumstance, left coffee grounds and filters in the coffee maker, left dirty rags all over the tub and bathroom to mildew and take up space, left their grocery bags everywhere, left chips and cookies open for bugs, left slippery conditioner and suds in the tub despite knowing it's caused me to slip more than once, never took out the bathroom trash, left hair dye spots all over the place, almost never did the litter, left crummy useless trash everywhere in the common areas even though they won't use it and it's taking up space, refused to help organize, never swept or mopped, never put away dishes, never cleaned the stovetop they get food all over, left notebooks everywhere, left candy and snack wrappers everywhere... I mean seriously???

They told me my way of handling anger (distract myself, isolate, get quiet, leave) isn't ok because of how it affects them

Yet, their way of handling anger- stomping, pacing, huffing, talking to themself, yelling passive aggressive comments, slamming things- is valid and how dare I say they're creating a hostile environment and how dare I "make it about me"

They claimed I was abusive, yet they threatened my life twice. Once when they said they would catch the house on fire, and continued to say they would when I said what about my stuff and me. They never apologized for that and kept lighter fluid right by where I slept. They also said they were considering just shooting me while I was sleeping once when I was in the couch, in between sleep and they thought I couldn't hear. They laughed about it with a friend on the phone. Btw they had a gun and ammo under their bed.

They made me sick sick sick

I am NOT good with friendships, and frankly I originally didn't want to be their friend, only roommate. But I fucking TRIED. I stayed quiet about so much. When we had agreements and they didn't keep their end, I let it slide. I metaphorically and literally scratched their disgusting back, stroked their ego, agreed with them, kept disagreements to myself mostly. I endured their awful cooking that was literally just burnt and nasty and often expired. I endured their moodiness. Because i honestly and sincerely wanted it to work and i wanted us to be friends. But I got sick sick sick of trying. They way they treated me made it clear they saw their self as fucking superior. They did not see me as a person. I paid rent there (unlike everyone else except them, who paid waaaay less than me) but that was never my home. It didn't even come close to feeling like it until they walked out the door. So I fucking left. At least on the streets I'm free to be my self.

This is over a month since I left, but I never posted it because of everything going on with my grandma and being homeless. I just wanted to express myself and record how I felt about everything for myself for when I want to look back. Like journaling. I hope they get some serious therapy, some karma, and that I never have to be in that kind of situation again. I'm not perfect or blameless, but they were awful and I largely catered to them and I didn't deserve the shit I was dealt.