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crqstalite · 4 years

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Scintilla.

(n.) a tiny, brilliant flash or spark; a small thing; a barely visible trace.

for MER 2020. day 1, first impressions. set in 2184 [pre-ME2]

The first time Joker meets Citlali Shepard-Velasquez is during one of the lowest points in his life. When he can barely focus on what's going on around him, and everything feels like its lost its meaning. He hasn't flown anything, much less the Normandy for what feels like forever, hasn't seen the old crew in just over a year. Liara was gone, disappeared off the map. Garrus wasn't going to be found, not after he stopped trying to rejoin C-Sec. Tali went back home to the Flotilla, and so did Wrex, to Tuchanka. Hell, even Kaidan didn't stick around, and instead went off into the Alliance for something or the other. The last time he saw all of them together was at Shepard's memorial service.

Not a word was said to him. He's not sure whether to be grateful with the lack of attention or concerned about the silence on his hand in Shepard's death.

Alchera still manages to haunt him in the early morning hours, dragging himself out of bed with aching bones just to end up back in it a few hours later. Probably had a lot more self-destructive thoughts than was healthy, but what else was new? He's anxious to get back into space, anxious to finally get off this blasted station that's way too white and yellow for him to be comfortable i. If he was given a mission to help Shepard again, in anyway that he could, maybe the ache in his chest would ease. He could get behind anything Shepard did, anything Shepard was willing to fight for. And if that was Cerberus, then so be it.

Maybe when (not if -- Miranda was very confident in the Lazarus Project's completion, and he knew better than to piss off someone from Cerberus when he couldn't even get a headstart) she woke up, he'd feel better.

"As for your new allegiances among us, we've found a capable pilot for when Commander Shepard wakes," He can hear Miranda clicking down the hall in those godforsaken heels, but a new pair of shoes following after her. Not heels, but not military boots either. He turns from his work station, deciding to pull himself up into a standing position in case Miranda has brought someone of some high rank in Cerberus with her. They don't tend to get a lot of new recruits (or at least, since he's been there), and he has chosen to remain rather reclusive since he arrived proper in their service, "Though your service record is rather...limited, I and the Illusive Man believe you'll work well together."

A co-pilot then? He didn't even have one of those on the SR-1. Someone else took the helm at night so he could get a little shut eye and whatnot, and y'know not drive them into a relay headfirst because of the lack of sleep, but he'd never actually had someone else in the seat next to him except for the lieutenant on occasion. That makes him a little nervous, and a little annoyed Miranda didn't say a word about this assignment to him either. He was Jeff Moreau, graduated top of his class and he sure as hell didn't need a co-pilot. Hell he had a service record to back it up, unlike whoever she'd brought on. Navigating the battle of the Citadel was just one of them, Therum and Virmire being others. The person with her is quiet, and doesn't respond as they grow closer to his glorified cubicle. Logging reports on colonies he made supply drops to, that could wait. He needed to know who his new babysitter was, and how soon he could convince them to lay off and find some other job on the new ship the Illusive Man had promised him.

He takes a pause when the two round the corner, but he doesn't focus on Lawson at first. The woman with her is far from what he was expecting. Maybe someone who was uptight, someone like Shepard with her hair pulled up far from her face and with some monotone voice like every AI he'd ever met. Someone who'd probably tell him not to do half the shit he did, and would probably report him for every little thing he said. Would probably get amusement from seeing him suffer until the new ship they had yet to reveal to him was stolen out from underneath him for all the glorified writeups he'd receive from someone like that.

That's not the reading he gets from her in the slightest. Hands on her hips, with a similar hat to his own mashed over her curly chestnut brown hair that tumbles out from underneath the brim of the cap. The Cerberus uniform isn't ill-fitting on her either, if he's being honest she's only a few years younger than he is, and those startling aquamarine eyes stare back at him. Tired, annoyed maybe. A scar runs through her cheek, freckles decorating around it and bags underneath her eyes. Short, but far from stout. Her lips pucker out, colored with a maroon lipstick as she surely takes him in the same way he does her.

She's pretty.

And she looks just like Shepard, save for the eyes and uptight attitude.

Oh shit.

"Mr. Moreau, we've found your co-pilot," Miranda clears her throat, pushing her hair over her shoulder, "Miss Citlali Velasquez, candidate for Flight Lieutenant of the SSV Iwo Jima before the crash of the SR-1 over Alchera."

Velasquez? As in the same Velasquez surname as Shepard-Velasquez?

Just his luck, and only now was he remembering that talk in the mess right before Virmire with everyone talking about their families. A few names stuck out to him now, someone named Sarah from Ashley's family and some from Wrex's, but now he's beginning to remember the younger pilot with the Shepard name. Checks out, yet only referred to as Lali. Had been considered for a posting such as his before his joyride in 2183.

Does she recognize him?

He's fucked if she does.

"Mr. Jeffrey Moreau, Flight Lieutenant and pilot," It's a clipped introduction, and he nearly mentions his status on the SR-1 himself before he takes a pause and it dawns on him that Miranda did it for a reason, leaving out his service record. He glances at her, and that omnipresent smirk is on her face. Maybe she knows that surely Shepard's younger sister (he thinks that's who he's looking at) would blame him for the SR-1's crash. That, would be bad for business, and this new partnership. He's at least conscious enough to make that decision, and it might save him some ill-fated fatality later. It feels like electricity is running through the air, though for now he's blaming that on the biotic standing next to him instead of his own nerves betraying him.

Begrudgingly, she holds out her hand to shake his. He takes it. She's warm, with a firm grip that says she undoubtedly means business. He doesn't know whether to tell her that any tighter, and she might shatter a few of his fingers, but he hides his gratefulness when she lets go, "Hope you're up to raising a little hell with me, Mr. Moreau."

"Sounds good," He answers. There's a twinkle in her eyes, popping out against her tawny brown skin that says he might be in okay hands, "Don't know what we're flying yet, but Shepard's in good hands with you and me."

"She sure as hell will be, with me at the helm this time around," Her expression darkens, "My sister died trying to save some damn pilot on the Normandy. Hope they're happy, wherever the hell they are. Damn glad she's even a little alive. Can't think of the name of her pilot right now, but you wouldn't be against a manhunt, yeah?"

Joker tries not to make it obvious he's about to start sweating bullets if she goes on like this. So she was aware of who he was, just hadn't made the connection between said pilot and the one that was standing in front of her presently. He wonders how long that'd last, and how many surgeries he'd need to logically run from her, "Right, of course not."

"Play nice, the both of you. I'll have assignments for you in the morning, 07:00. We'll see just how well the Illusive Man did with the recommendation," Miranda responds, knowing she's effectively done here playing the bridge between the pilots, "Citlali, your bunk is upstairs, across the hall from the women's washroom. Someone will get you set up with an omni-tool and station. Jeff--" She narrows her eyes at him, "I still haven't received your report from the last colony your delivered to. The Collectors aren't exactly a joke, and we didn't bring you here to freeload."

"I'll send it, was just about to do that when you got here," He holds up his hands in defense, and the woman raises an eyebrow in disbelief, "Promise."

Once the operative has left, she slips her hands from off her hips, pulling her hat off and running a hand through it before replacing it, tousling her tawny brown curls over her shoulders. Similar to his own habits, even if it was unconscious. She doesn't say anything for a moment, squinting at his form as he leans against the wall for more support. He was never one to stay standing for long, "Kinda look like you're about to chew me out for something. Sorry?"

"You probably outrank me anyway, Moreau. Haven't done anything to piss me off yet," For some reason, he wants to see her smile beyond just that little smirk she and his 'supervisor' have going on. There's a space between her two front teeth that he can see just underneath her lips, and through his somewhat unfocused haze, he can see she has twin moons sparkling from her earlobes, "It's what Lawson said, never enlisted but I was considered for some positions a while back. I like to fly fast and play loose with regs." She sighs longingly, "So upset I got looked over for the position on the Normandy. She was one hell of a ship."

"Uh, yeah. She was." He answers uneasily, considering whether or not she takes the hint to leave, "Damn best thing I'd ever flown."

And also immediately regrets what he alludes to twenty seconds after it's left his mouth.

She furrows her brow, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall next to him. No luck on that front then, "Sounds like you're speaking from experience, lieutenant," She chuckles sadly, "To be the lucky bastard who both flew it and got his commanding officer killed. Double edged sword if you ask me."

Well, no one said they had to be friends. But it still stings when she says it. It wasn't as if he was over Alchera just yet. He doubts he ever will be.

He misses Shepard. They weren't the best of friends, but she still left a hole where she used to be. They were all tied together by Shepard, and now that she was gone, he lost the friends he made because of her. No one from the old crew blames him for her death, even if his last conversations with Kaidan about going to Cerberus for her were very clipped and cold, he wants to blame that on the fact he did try to recruit an Alliance officer to a terrorist organization, and not that he'd gotten who he loosely assumes is his girlfriend killed because of his stubborn streak.

"I am," He answers, she narrows her eyes in response. He swallows down his pride and shrugs, "Most people call me Joker."

She pushes herself back off the wall, and he prepares himself for the onslaught he's sure to receive as the look of shock and anger flash across her face in realization. He'd rather not have to sleep with one eye open at night wondering if she'd found out his real identity in the end and have to watch for a knife in his back. At least now he can certainly say his life is not set in stone.

"Does Miranda know?" Is all she asks, her expression entirely blank and not betraying a single emotion to him, "Did she know when you got here?"

"Yeah. Probably whole reason they gave me the position as Shepard's pilot again." He says, watching as another report comes in on his omni-tool. He tries to give her a sarcastic smile, "Not like I'm entirely over it either. Don't worry, I won't get you killed too."

She pauses, her mouth slightly parted with a thought just on the tip of her tongue as he turns back around, sliding back into his seat. Relief washes over his body, the burning in his joints receding accordingly. Damn, did he miss Chakwas, "You can go now, you know. Doubt you'd want to stick around with me for too long."

"You --" She falters, before he feels his chair turn around without a hand on it. She's gently glowing blue and white, though it fades a minute later as she comes closer, "My sister died, yeah. But...she spoke like you were the second coming of the Mars relay. Means she died saving the best damn pilot in the Alliance. Ko-Shepard would never just give up her life for anyone."

She shakes her head, pinching the bridge of her nose, "Can't believe Miranda paired me with the last person to see my sister alive," She mutters, the killed just barely avoided by the tone of her voice and substituted with saw, before lifting her head to face him again, "Not going to lie, I'm not exactly happy to work with you, whether she's alive or in a coma or what. I'm sure I don't have to spell it out for you."

"Yeah, I get that. I'm not happy working with me either." He says sarcastically, giving her a look that says 'for the love of Sovereign please leave', "Didn't Miranda need you for something though?"

"Yeah," She says noncommitally as she looks at him up and down in a way that screams Shepard at him, "I'll see you at seven tomorrow then, Joker."

He doesn't waste another minute watching her go, before she turns around the corner and disappears. So his new co-pilot didn't want to kill him, not yet at least. And she was a biotic. Sounded great, definitely was extending his lifespan for decades.

He groans at the empty document in front of him, before pulling up the UI and subsequently the personnel report Miranda had badgered him to read for weeks. So not a babysitter. Possibly a cause of death. Her groans inwardly, her words and now the document confirming her relation to Shepard. Her track record checks out, though he raises an eyebrow at her year long stay at Jump Zero as a child (remembering off handed comments about the station from Lieutenant Alenko), a few years at Grissom Academy. Trained to be a pilot while there, and like Miranda had said, was a candidate for Iwo Jima in 2182. Young. Twenty four years old to his twenty nine.

Something says he and their new ship are going to be in, at best, okay hands.

#merweek2020 #mass effect oc #oc #original character #mass effect #mass effect fanfiction #original female character #citlali velasquez #joker #jeff moreau #mass effect relationship week

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neshabeingchildish · 5 years

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14. College Wasteland

So, somebody was recently asking me about these kiddos’ jealousy culture and whatnots and it just so happens and we get to see some of that in this chapter! Granted, a lot of this is zodiac information that I swiped from the web and forgot to cite. Not tryna plagiarize. Got ‘em in quotations.

This is the longest chapter that I’ve written in this story, I think. I wasn’t tryna, but it was actually gonna be LONGER, and I wound up separating it. But... Chile, Idk how y’all gon’ take this one.

College Wasteland

Freshman Year.

Jasper and Charlotte were going to the same college, but on different “campuses.” Honestly, she felt like this entire community was part of the college and even though there were a few blocks between where they studied, in between were really just dorms, apartments, college houses, and businesses that college students frequented. He was more on the outskirts of town and she was towards the center.

At the beginning of the semester, Charlotte already had her things moved into the dormitory that her scholarships were paying for. She was able to get in, unpack, settle in, bless the place and decorate before Jasper even figured out where he would be able to stay. He, too, was in a dorm, but one of the ones that people often rumored about how terrible they were, etc. It was all that he could currently afford, and he’d have to get to work very quickly if he wanted to be able to survive another semester!

“The Leo man craves fun and excitement and nothing is more displeasing than being home alone or with one other person."

Jasper honestly didn’t feel above any particular type of work. He was willing to try anything, if it meant that he could buy all of his books for class and still eat regularly. He figured that his tuition and lodging were probably the most important, so that was what he paid first, then he remembered that he might need supplies, and he didn’t even fathom the cost of books. Like… for what purpose? How could ANY book be worth what these were???

“Do you need help with anything?” Charlotte had asked him, a hint of concern in her voice as she stared at her worn out lover, this being the first time she’d been able to actually see him in a couple of weeks.

“No!” He said and laughed, shaking his head. He needed help with everything. But, he’d be damned if he told Charlotte that and made her worry, or worst - feel bad for him. “I’m just tired and I’ve missed you,” he told her (which was true, even if it wasn’t the whole truth).

“I’m sorry. I’ve tried to free up some time for us, but I put our schedules in my calendar and it’s a biweekly, sometimes monthly match up possibility at best, for like, this entire semester.” They both frowned, until she changed the subject, “Have you talked to Henry?” She asked, a little more cheerfully.

“Have I talked to Henry? I’ve hardly been able to talk to you! Have you talked to him?”

“Yes. We have free Wednesday nights, after I’m done with my lab, so that’s the time that we have scheduled our phone calls. I’m thinking I’ll probably head home every other weekend, for right now. Until I’ve adjusted, more, to being away. What do you think?”

He shrugged his shoulders, “I’m working every weekend, so I can’t come along. But, tell everybody that I said ‘hey.”

“You know… You could try to call them?” She held out her hands in a shrug. Jasper seemed a little moody or something. Maybe he was homesick. Maybe he missed Henry, the Man Cave, hell, maybe he missed his mom. She didn’t know for sure, because he wasn’t telling her something.

“Yeah, I know. I just don’t really have anything to say, yet. I’m working two part time jobs, pledging to a fraternity, getting my ass handed to me by entry level college classes…” He shut up abruptly. He didn’t want to spend what little time he had with Charlotte whining. But, he must’ve needed to vent, because he couldn’t help but to mutter, “Maybe, I’ve overshot my capabilities with this.” She furrowed her eyebrows and he immediately regretted admitting that.

“I don’t think that you did. I think that you’re selling yourself short right now, though. What are you having problems with? I can help you study!”

“You just said like 10 minutes ago that you’d only be able to see me like once every two or three weeks!”

“Can you only study with people in person? I was gonna do so over the phone or video call or something. You can even send me images of your chapter pages (or lend me your book) and I can notate what you’ll most likely be expected to know.”

“That… Sounds like you putting a lot into me not failing.”

“Maybe. But, I mean… If you fail, we fail. We’re a team, still, right?” She made a pouting face and he melted against her.

“Of course. Char… I’m… Everything’s not okay...”

She nodded her head and stroked his hair with her fingertips as he rested on her tiny shoulder. “I could tell. But… You know that it’s gonna be okay, right? You don’t have to do any of this by yourself, Jasper. I’m busy, but I can figure out how to make time for you.” He squeezed her tightly and then actually fell asleep in the cafe, on her shoulder. He hadn’t really slept well since they’d been in college and he never got the chance to lay down with her anymore and well… *Snore sounds*

"During Happy times the Leo man can bring out the most of loving side of the Taurus woman and he can boost her confidence and self-esteem too. She in turn can offer him some grounded common sense for his more airy fairy grandiose plans and she supports him through thick and thin."

Yes, Jasper worked every weekend. He did overnight stocking at a home improvement store every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. Yes, he also had classes on Monday mornings, and yes, he also had pledge things taking place during this time. His other job was simpler. He cleaned up at a tattoo shop right outside of campus Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings. Fortunately, all of his classes were on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

SO, if he got himself some sleep late Monday night, he slept well into Tuesday. He also slept late Wednesday, into Thursday, and a few hours on Thursday night between closing the tattoo shop and Friday morning class, and a few hours Friday afternoon until his nighttime shift on Friday. Saturday mornings he slept unless he was asked to pick up a few hours at the tattoo shop. Sunday, he HAD to sleep all day, because once he got up for his night shift, he wasn’t even going to see his bed again until the following night.

Charlotte had planned to spend every other weekend in Swellview, but the weekends that she stayed around campus, she asked Jasper if she could come over. He’d be asleep, but if he really wanted to sleep well, he’d NEED her there. Plus… they really didn’t get that much time together, considering how close they lived to each other. Her first few visits, she was most concerned with the condition of his dorm. Not in the way that people rumored about - the crime in the neighborhood, or the alleged pests, and slow management. But… It was a mess.

When she got there on Friday, he’d told her that he’d be awake and waiting for her. He was asleep and she was fine with that. He needed that sleep, based upon his terrible schedule that she’d tried to talk him out of. She began to pick up his things and place them in mplaces that made the most sense to her. He didn’t seem to have any rhyme or reason to this mess, but knowing Jasper, he probably did, or at least had gotten used to it and controlled the chaos mentally, somehow.

While she was cleaning, she accidentally woke up his computer and saw several open tabs of payments that he’d made, and a calendar where he was trying to figure out when to pay what. She took a seat in front of the screen and began to study the tabs and make some notes. She was there for a while, and eventually got up and finished cleaning. She returned to the computer a few more times along the way.

Jasper’s alarm sounded on his phone and he jumped up and gasped when he saw a clean, organized room and desk. Charlotte came from the bathroom, cleaned up and a little dolled up, but in night clothes. “Hey, Sleepyhead,” she said, positively glowing as she sat down next to him.

Jasper shook his head, “I’m so sorry that I fell asleep and we didn’t really get to spend any time together!”

“I expected you to fall to sleep. It’s good, Jasper. I had a chance to get some things done for you that I suppose you haven’t had the energy to do.”

“Yeah. Sorry about that too. I should’ve cleaned up before saying you could come over. My punishment is now I probably won’t know where any of my stuff is.”

“It’s in places that make perfectly good sense, but since I presumed that what makes sense to you is likely different from me, I made you a list.” She pointed to the computer. He mouthed a thank you to the skies. “I also got all up in your financial business.” He frowned. “Jasper, before we started dating, you’d ask me for help with anything in the world, from popping pimples to feeling how sweaty you are. I’m not sure why you didn’t want to come to me for help with this, but whatever your reasons, I made some decisions for you. I set up a budget for you based upon what you have to pay and what you make. I set everything to automatic withdrawals from your account on dates that made the most sense. I also signed you back up for that text therapy, because you can afford it and you need it, so if that’s too much of an issue, I’ll just wire you the total every time. If you won’t talk to me, I need to know that you’ll talk to someone. Plus, I arranged for weekly grocery deliveries. There’s a co-op place on campus that puts together nutritious grocery lists and you can add on or take away whatever they have for a certain additional fee. They deliver it to you at your convenience each week, even if your time slot changes. You just need to let them know at least 24 hours before the delivery. And, I’ve also allocated a percentage of your checks to go into savings, too. On this budget, you still wind up with an additional $200 every paycheck for whatever else.”

“WHAT?”

“Yeah, you can afford to pay your bills, eat, put some into savings and still have $200 left over… if your schedule stays the way that it is for the rest of the semester with your current pay. So… buy something nice for yourself or something. You deserve it.”

“No, you deserve it! Thank you for this. I wouldn’t have ever thought of that and I’ve just been eating on the run and buying the cheapest of everything whatsoever and…” He pulled her to him and kissed her.

“So, did I earn a little… something…?” She gave him the look and he knew it was about to be ON before his shift tonight. She deserved it.

"The Taurus woman can be very possessive in love and quite jealous, but the Leo man doesn't mind this. In fact, probably enjoys it and finds it flattering. In reality he is unlikely to stray far which is reassuring for the Taurus woman who is seeking stability and commitment."

The twelve weeks that Jasper was pledging to his father’s old fraternity was hell. Not even because of the frat, but because of his personal life. He had gotten a little depressed working as hard as he worked and after a while, wanted to at least do something fun. So, he asked the tattoo shop owner about possibly becoming an apprentice. He was told to create a portfolio and after that, his boss would decide.

Jasper worked on some sketches in his little free time (usually at the shop whenever he didn’t really have much cleaning to do), and whenever Charlotte came over on his weekends, he drew different designs on her. “Jasper, this isn’t the same thing. Drawing on skin with a pen isn’t the same as when you’re drawing into someone’s skin with a needle…”

“I know. I just need to practice what I can,” he said. Charlotte ended up with all kinds of tattoo sketch potentials on her body over the weeks.

She was in Swellview and Henry nearly passed out, “WHAT is that???” He wondered. She looked in the direction of his eyesight and saw the orisha goddess she’d requested on her side, peeking out.

She laughed and raised her shirt a little more to show him. “Have you not been paying any attention to Jasper’s twitflash? He’s been using me as a canvas to practice sketches for a portfolio to be a tattoo apprentice.”

“That’s what those were? I didn’t really understand what I was looking at.” He opened the app to go check it out and wound up going through liking every single one of them.

“The apprenticeship would be unpaid, of course, but I’m hoping that he gets it, because once he gets a license, he’d be able to possibly make a lot of money. College kids are always at that tattoo shop.”

“Yeah, these photos have a lot of comments about how people want him to do theirs whenever they get one,” Henry said.

“People, or girls?”

Henry laughed, “Aren’t girls people?” She rolled her eyes. “Uh oh, I feel like I missed something.”

“So. He’s past pledging now and living in the frat house. It’s a little cheaper than his sucky dorm that he was in, so I’m glad for that. Plus, it’s more space there for him, despite all the guys that live there. Now, all of a sudden, all these women know who he is and they just… irritate me, is all.”

“That’s all?”

“Yep.”

“Okay, then.” She could tell from Henry’s face that he knew that wasn’t the case, but he didn’t press, so she spilled it herself.

Basically, during Hell Week, Jasper and other pledges were moving their things into the frat house wearing nothing but loincloths and sandals. Their sister sorority came out to ogle them and make unnecessary comments and whatnot and post pics and videos on their socmed. Charlotte never really got into the frat boy stuff that Jasper was doing, because it was frat boy stuff and she wasn’t interested. However, as Jasper is Jasper, of course, some manner of calamity has to follow him around. This particular event it manifested itself in the form of a wardrobe malfunction while he was carrying a box. Several frat brothers expressed that it would be illegal to post any images of said malfunction, though everyone present had a good laugh about it, and at least 30 girls got a good eyeful as he had to set the box down then figure out how to get that little piece of cloth back around his junk… which Charlotte discovered from all the upcoming whispers is pretty nicely sized.

She didn’t have anything to compare it to, so she figured that the size was great to her, but for some reason, other people knowing what he was working with and the increase of a following that he got afterwards, unnerved her. He always had women sliding into his DMs now and he laughed it off, but she knew that he liked the attention and it frustrated her that he did.

She wasn’t trying to be that way, but in her mind, what Jasper had was hers and she felt like she needed to reinforce that to others on several occasions. Whenever the sister sorority pledges had Mingle Night and Jasper had to take off work on the weekend to attend, she was frustrated that he could find it in him to ask for time off for that, but not to go to Swellview with her, any of the trips that she had made. She made one comment about it, but wouldn’t dwell on it, at least not out loud, anyway.

She usually skipped parties, so the time that he would make for social events, she either had to tough out a crowd of people that she didn’t really care for, or wonder how his night was going and who was taking up his time and space throughout the course of it. She was the one who had to try to make more time for them. She asked Henry if it was possible for him to visit them, for a change in October and it became a practice for her to visit Swellview once a month and Henry to visit them once a month. (Henry rarely saw Jasper whenever he did visit, though.

“Where are we going?” He’d asked as they were heading deeper into the campus.

“The outer gym,” she said.

“The outer gym?” Henry repeated.

“Yeah. Jasper has Dodge-a-leen training, then kite disc practice. He’ll be happy to see you!” Henry made a confused face, because did she say “kite disc” practice? “Dude, you really ought to at least glance at Jasper’s social media at some point.”

“I don’t even really have the time to glance at mine! I’ve been in college, too, Dude. Studying to try to be the heir to Junk N Stuff, plus training hard and working nonstop to take up the Man Cave duties. I only study during the week, sometimes on missions, because my time is so pressed. I do most of the night patrolling by myself. If you hadn’t set a call schedule for us, I’d probably talk to you just as much as I get to talk to Jasper… HELLO!” He said upon coming to the crowded seating area and seeing a bunch of pretty ladies in the bleachers. Some of them had on practice uniforms - cheerleaders, drill team, pep squad, etc. They were practicing, or having meetings. Others just seemed to be there.

“Our spot is over here,” Charlotte said. She had a spot. It was where several of the “alternative sports” fans sat. Alternative sports was what they were calling what Charlotte thought of as “fake sports” or at the very least “sweaty games.” Like Dodge-a-leen, which should not exist, in her opinion, but did and had an entire team that would go to competitions, representing the school. Jasper met a girl that he did a tattoo for who played something called kite disc, which was like frisbee playing, but with a damned kite attached to the discs. Players had to fly the kite and throw the disc to a partner, who in turn had to do the same. She hated it. But, Jasper immediately loved it, joined the growing league and fought for a team to be formed on the campus. She still couldn’t tell if she was impressed or something else about it.

As they settled into her spot, she asked Henry, “So, if you haven’t talked to Jasper, I guess he hasn’t told you about his new best friend?” She pointed at a tall, blond girl who was getting the equipment ready for kite disc practice while the Dodge-a-leen team was practicing several yards away. The blond girl waved at Charlotte and she waved back, hoping that her stank face wasn’t on.

“Um, no. Jasper has no new best friend, but whoever that is, is hot.” Henry admitted. Charlotte rolled her eyes. “Who is she?”

“They call her Ghost. Jasper calls her Casper, because he says that she’s a “friendly ghost.” She’s an athlete here. She loves kites and discs, so whenever kite disc was created, she jumped in and she’s the reason that Jasper took on another fake sport, despite his already busy schedule. They’re together A LOT. Jasper and Casper. Everyone knows he has a girlfriend, but most people think that’s her.”

Henry laughed, then apologized. “Well, do you like her? Is she good people?”

“She’s okay, I guess. I don’t really know much about her. She always tries to be really nice. She loves all the photos that Jasper posts of me and she seems to happy to see me whenever we cross paths. But… She’s super close with my boyfriend, you know? And I know that shouldn’t bother me, because Jasper is capable of having a platonic friendship with a woman in very close proximity. We did that for YEARS, but, then again… it eventually grew into something else and now, even that is… changing.” She said the last word so sadly that it startled Henry and he looked at her, watching Jasper, sweaty and pouring water down his throat now that Dodge-a-leen practice was ending.

“Hey… You two alright?” Henry wondered. She shrugged her shoulders. He felt bad that he didn’t know more about this. These were supposed to be his two best friends, and while he was grateful that he still had regular contact with one of them (he and Jasper did talk, but only in small intervals, or very spaced out conversations, the last one being weeks ago). Jasper was rushing over to Casper. They hugged and immediately started talking and laughing. Hello hugs, huh? Henry couldn’t say that was weird, not knowing whatever changes Jasper had made and not knowing Casper, at all. But, she pointed over to where they were and Jasper only just noticed him. He felt a way about that. Jasper smiled and came rushing over to greet him.

“Henry!” He cheered. “What are you doing here?” He didn’t hug Charlotte, Henry noticed, but maybe that was because he was all sweaty. But… he was all sweaty when he hugged that other girl. Maybe she didn’t mind?

“Ummm… Visiting. You took my friend’s Swellview visits away, so I gotta come all the way here to see her and I guess you too,” he joked.

Jasper looked like there was a slight flinch in his face for a moment, then he nodded and said, “I’m glad you’re here. Where are you gonna sleep?”

“Char’s dorm,” Henry said.

Now, Jasper definitely looked a way. “There’s more room in the frat house. You’re perfectly welcome to crash there.” Charlotte and Henry both looked surprised by that suggestion. He noticed and expounded, “I know we’re all friends, but we’re also grown, Bro. I don’t really want you and my girlfriend sleeping in the same bed.” He shrugged his shoulders and kissed her on the nose. “I gotta get back. We’ll talk after.” He rushed down the bleachers and back to the field and Henry was still stunned.

“Was… was he serious?” Henry asked. “You and me have been sharing a bed since before you even felt comfortable using the word ‘friend’ to describe him and now he wants to call dibs or something?”

She sighed and shrugged her shoulders, “I mean, I guess he has a point, but it’s not like with me and you anything would ever happen.”

“Right. Even if either of us was remotely attracted to the other, neither of us would do that to him, or to our friendship! The nerve of him to suggest it, meanwhile, he’s giving that one girl sweaty hugs in front of everybody, knowing that you’re jealous of her and that people think that she’s his girlfriend!”

Charlotte scoffed, “What do you mean, I’m jealous of her?”

“Don’t try to play me, Dude. I saw it within five minutes.”

She flared her nostrils. He was right. “Well, you know… Jasper doesn’t always see the things that we see. He’s you know… innocent in a way. Well, innocent isn’t the right word. Naive.”

“He thinks because the ladies gossip about his big old thang he’s gotta come over here swinging it around?” Charlotte wanted to greet that comment with disdain, but she laughed, in spite of herself. Henry stood up, gesturing swinging around a big… package… and saying, “Don’t get in bed with my girlfriend like you’ve been doing for most of your life. Sleep thirty minutes away at the jock campus for less smart people in the institution…”

“Henry, stop!” Charlotte said, suddenly not enjoying it anymore. “This is their campus! And… that’s not even entirely true. This isn’t a movie, Guy. If you wanna stay in college or on a team, even a fake sports team, you’ve gotta make the grades. Jasper has excellent grades. He’s on the dean’s list, here.” Henry stopped and sat down, looking confused. “I help him study with the stuff he doesn’t get and the stuff that he does get, he tends to take in right away, so…”

“You help him study science and math, right? And the dude that once said batteries was gonna be the next power source is on the dean’s list?” Henry asked.

“Why do you do this to him?” Charlotte asked.

“What do I do?”

“You act like he’s stupider than what he is. He’s your best friend and you’re talking about him like he’s some brute that knocked into you at a bar.”

“I think that you’re maybe getting defensive. I was just fooling around. I love Jasp, you know that. It was honest fun. I’d pick with him the same way.”

“Yeah, he doesn’t like that. You know what he likes? Whenever people tell him he’s great and awesome and they love to just be around him and don’t fuss at him for getting sweat on them in his excitement to see them or crack jokes on stupid stuff that he’s said impulsively, because he thought he had to answer right away. He’s… already replacing you, Hen. For all we know, he’s already replacing me.” She messed with her fingertips. “He’s not as… interested as he used to be… in… you know…” Henry frowned. He was always interested in that area of their lives, but he certainly didn’t want to dive into it when they were having problems. “And I can’t help but wonder if it’s because here, I’M the lucky one. Here, he’s a budding superstar. Everyone loves him. He’s the life of the party, the heart of the team… I’m his uptight girlfriend who gets mistaken as his tutor, like all of the time, even with some of his frat brothers.” She laughed a little, then wiped her eyes, feeling silly for feeling how she felt.

“Have you talked to him about this?”

“Not in these exact words. Because, they sound pathetic, right? I’m out here at practices for stuff I don’t care about, just to get to spend more time with him. He has a ton of people to spend time with. I haven’t made one friend since I got here. I mean… I’ve already got TWO! I didn’t think I needed to add any, but he stays adding them in. Adding so many, I can’t even figure out where I fit anymore…” She felt like she was going to start crying and looked like it, so Henry sat next to her and wrapped an arm around her to pull her in, in case she needed that. Jasper noticed, from the field and missed catching a disc, which the kite was taking away, into the sky. He quickly caught himself and grabbed a grounding shot (it was just a sticky ball, heavier than the kite that if you threw it and it stuck to the disc, it weighed it down enough to bring it back. He got it, then he looked at Henry and Charlotte again, frustrated.

Intimate relationships between Leo men and Taurus women can be a flip of the coin. Either or troubled, and not for lack of effort. The innate stubbornness of both signs tends to rear its ugly head here most frequently.

If Henry was staying at Charlotte’s, so was Jasper, or if he had to ask Charlotte to stay over at the frat house to get Henry to stay, whatever, he wasn’t gonna leave them alone together, though. Charlotte had been insecure lately. Jasper, to the best of his ability, tried to reassure her that he wasn’t interested in any other women and that he wasn’t “tired of” her. That was a ridiculous thought. Had their sex life been less powerful than when they first started? Well.. Yes, but both of them were extremely busy and they really were just kind of squeezing in sexual stuff where they could fit it. Plus, he felt like she was just doing it nowadays to thwart him from cheating or looking around - stuff he wasn’t gonna do, anyway.

The best that it got for them was study sessions. Charlotte would make mock tests to help him study and they were multiple choice, which he answered by touching her in certain places. It was an amazing way to recall the information. He spent tests thinking about how it felt to touch her body and look into her eyes whenever she said an answer was correct and honestly… it was how he wound up getting all A’s now. He’d never been able to do so in the past. He’d make A’s in stuff he understood and be so far off on the stuff that he didn’t understand that his mother thought that he was either cheating in most of his classes, or “mentally retarded at math and science,” which he had to repeatedly tell her wasn’t appropriate and not actually a thing. Charlotte had convinced him to take an aptitude test their junior year, but he got nervous and felt so weird about it that the results weren’t accurate.

She got him to take another their senior year, at the end of the year and it was actually pretty helpful and put his talents into perspective. It made him more confident about finding some direction. Charlotte always added to his life and enhanced it. He didn’t know what condition he would be in without her. He seriously thought that if they weren’t together, he might be one of those people who was so filled with excitement and fervor who went into the world, got beat down and lost the light in their eyes. Instead, she magnified it. And yes, other people were noticing him, other women… but, he couldn’t understand why she would think that would mean that he would notice them.

She still also had time for Henry. He hadn’t been able to squeeze their best friend into his schedule, but figured that they both drifting away from him. Now, he felt like he was the one drifting away from them, and if he wasn’t careful, Charlotte might wind up being Henry’s light, instead. “That’s crazy!” He told himself, brushing his teeth in the locker room after his shower. “That’s crazy.” But, if there was one man that he feared MIGHT be able to get Char’s attention, it was Henry. He didn’t like feeling that way, because he wasn’t a jealous person, at all. In fact, Charlotte had accused him of not even caring if guys flirted with her (which technically, he didn’t) because he figured that it was the same for her as for him - nonfactors. It was only when she looked uncomfortable or like she might be being harrassed that he usually jumped in, ready to defend her space and her comfort. Jasper wasn’t a jealous person, no. But, he was extremely protective, especially of her. He wasn’t a jealous person, until it came to Henry and her. He wasn’t sure when it started, but whenever he saw them together, still happy to see each other. Still having fun, something possessive and territorial was stirred up in him.

He remembered things that he hadn’t really thought about in years or cared much about whenever he had thought about them - how people used to always think they were together, how they were friends almost automatically and he tried to become friends with Charlotte because he was scared she might steal his best friend. Even though she didn’t like him and never regarded him with warmth, he took a liking to her because she was Henry’s friend, therefore, they had to be friends or he might not be able to spend as much time with Henry! And then there were the dreams that they were having about each other shortly before she and Jasper became a thing. He never knew for sure if Henry didn’t actually have some feelings for her, the way that he kept trying to butt in when they were building their foundation. Now, they were on some shaky ground and Jasper just felt uncomfortable with Henry being there, with them like this.

He was overcompensating. He knew it, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. Charlotte… didn’t seem as flattered as he was whenever she was acting crazy over him, but she didn’t call him out, either. She just sort of gave him disapproving looks and rubbed his shoulders a lot to smooth him over. Henry was another story. They bickered about his behavior, then they went on to bicker about the time that they weren’t spending together, and it eventually got to the point where Jasper said, “Our entire lives, I’ve had to be the one to always reach out to you, to come to you, to back you up and support you and be your friend. So, I decided that I was gonna focus on me a little bit more and you know what happened, Henry? We stopped being friends, because you can’t even be bothered to toss me a like on Twitflash and if I don’t call you first, THIS is what we have. We didn’t drift apart. I stopped reaching out to you and now you’re seeing just how much I was the one doing so.” Jasper’s fists were clenched and he added, “Charlotte’s the only person who ever makes an effort for me, and just… Don’t try to get in the way of that, okay?”

Henry was floored. Why would he ever try to…? Jasper got up, eyes red and damp, embarrassed and worried about how Charlotte would take that outburst. “I’m gonna go ahead and get out of your way and stop ruining everyone's good time. Call me when you get home safe.” He dared a kiss on her cheek, but she was looking stunned, still. She followed him outside. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say all of that…”

She shook her head and threw her hands into the air, “Jasper… I understand that you’re doing a lot of finding yourself and maybe that means that you and Hen don’t make it, but… I have to admit that I’m insulted that you for whatever reason think that I don’t have any autonomy in our friendship. Henry can’t get in the way of what goals I set for myself. Henry can’t damage something if it’s something that I’m working on, and whatever issues that you have with Henry, you two can try to talk out, but leave me out of it. I’m not taking any sides of something that I have nothing to do with, with two people that I love. It’s not fair.”

“I said I’m sorry, Char. I’m tired. I have to go home and get some sleep.”

“Okay,” she said, sounding and feeling defeated. Jasper gave her a hug. A desperate, tight, but soft thing that she sank into and just wanted to vanish with him inside of. But, then it was over and he was walking away. She felt like he probably needed her to go with him and stay with him, but Henry was inside and he was the one who had traveled the three hours to see her when Jasper most of the time didn’t travel the 30 minutes to do the same. She stayed with Henry and apologized for whatever that was. He brushed it off and insisted that he’d just do better, be a better friend. But, whenever he’d reach out to Jasper after that night, he was less available than before.

By the summer break, Jasper was definitely taking summer off of school, unlike Charlotte, who not only still had classes, but classes everyday. Henry wasn’t taking summer classes, either. Both of them had a chance to squash everything. In fact, Charlotte suggested that Jasper spend some time in Swellview, since he’d have more time. But, Jasper didn’t want to leave her when he finally had time to work on them. So, he was working and saving up for the upcoming semester, summer training for his alternative sports teams, doing community stuff with his fraternity since he was staying in the house but not in classes, and doing his apprenticeship too. His art was getting good. And people were super into getting free tats from Jasper Dunlop, aka Big Dog. Charlotte had gotten more used to sharing him with a fan base.

He began vlogging whenever he started his apprenticeship and called his channel ExJasperation, but still would use it if he ever decided to go back to podcasts. He talked about his friends, his frat brothers, his girlfriend. Charlotte didn’t make the time to watch his channel, but she’d hear things about it whenever she was on the other campus, or in the frat house. She got used to sharing him with an audience. He enjoyed being noticed. He enjoyed the limelight. She just had to shrink back a little, to make sure that she didn’t wind up in it. She didn’t care too much for that. Not in these settings, at least.

She was doing great in her academic circles, though. Not getting close to people. It was more like being in a room full of loners who loved their fields of work and could muster up the energy to talk about that for a while, then go back to their own devices. Even her calls with Henry decreased and visits became less doable, too. Sophomore year, they spoke less and saw each other occasionally. Junior year… seldom. And Jasper hadn’t really seen or talked to Henry at all, not including a few likes and comments on their social media every now and then.

Junior year marked a lot of significant changes, for all three of them.

#A Chasper Fic #chasper #henry danger #hd fanfic #Nesha HD Fics

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macbookpro-hard-drive · 6 years

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baseball [connor m. x reader]

like what i do? consider buying me a coffee!

summer prompts fic #1. lets see how fast i can forget im doing these

also i know i tagged that post w ‘im gonna do these in order!’ and then immediately proceeded to not do these in order sjkfhsd sorry

baseball/sports. here we go, fuckers. lets get some fluffy connor shit in here.

warnings: language, mainly. connor gets the help he needs and hes getting better AU because i just want him to be happy also some slightly sexual comments

If there was one thing Connor kept putting off, it was cleaning out his closet. It seemed like every time you turned around, someone in his family would casually drop the hint that there’s probably some pictures in there, or some old clothes that didn’t fit him anymore that he could donate, or maybe that’s where he keeps losing shit so he should probably look into cleaning his closet out. Connor’s response was always the same - that he’ll do it later because there’s a lot of shit in there that he needs to go through. After a while, the task built up. It went from his closet, to his room, to the garage being tacked on as his dad mentioned he has a box full of his shit that he needs to look through and see if any of it’s still worth anything - although he meant that in the best possible way that he could mean that. So a week before graduation, you ended up in Connor’s room, cross-legged with a laptop balanced on your lap as you finished editing your final paper for your english class, waiting for Connor to show up so you could maybe pester him into helping you study for your math final next week.

Then you were greeted with a box of trash bags being tossed onto the bed in front of you, Connor peeling off the button-down he’d been wearing after shutting his door. You gazed at him with curious eyes, watching as he threw the shirt onto his bed as well out of habit, before stopping. The look of frustration crossed his features for a moment as he snatched up the shirt, searching his room for the laundry basket he must have dragged in sometime within the past few days - since it definitely hadn’t been there when you were there last. He carelessly hurled it into the top, before grabbing and opening the box he’d just thrown in front of you wordlessly. Honestly, you weren’t surprised he hadn’t said anything yet - Connor got like this sometimes, too caught up in his own thoughts to even process anything else that was going on. But he always realized you were there after a few minutes, realizing something was off and he was forgetting something important, and it always turned out that something was you.

That time, it caught up with him quicker as he stopped mid-tear, his fingers hooked underneath the sliver of an open space. His eyes flickered to meet yours. He went back to what he was doing, throwing a quick “hey” your way. Then he looked back up to you, “did Zoe let you in?”

You looked up from your laptop, tapping away at the keys as you finished up the end of a sentence, “nah. Larry.”

He shrugged. He’d been out with his mom when you’d pulled up - and usually you would have just waited in the car, but you were used to Connor’s family by now that neither you nor his family cared whether Connor was there or not. It took you a moment before you realized Cynthia had forced him to get a haircut, your attention almost completely devoted to your work up until then. He caught your gaze. “Don’t laugh.”

“Connie, I’m not gonna laugh. You look cute.”

Connor frowned as he spoke, running a hand through his the curls, “I miss my hair.”

“It’ll grow back, babe. I’m sure no one wanted you looking like a ‘hippie’ or something at graduation,” you shrugged, “it’s nice. I’ll miss pulling it, but-”

He laughed a little. Connor was always cute when he laughed, his eyes crinkling and the little nose wrinkle he’d get. “Yeah. C’mon, I’m not doing this shit alone.”

“Were you going to if I wasn’t here?”

“No.”

After an hour of laughing at Connor’s old drawings from fifth grade, the edgy poetry that he (and Zoe, apparently) had written throughout middle school, and your pestering Connor about home videos and trying to get him to show them to you (he refused, mostly, although he did say he might show you the one when he was in a kid’s show at some local theatre when he was eight), you had ended up back-to-back to him as the two of you sorted through old pictures and trying to find any that had messed up for whatever reasons like being drenched by coffee spills and whatnot. You flipped bad ones onto a spot on the floor that you and Connor had designated upon tossing them lazily in the same spot, and the good ones ended up back in the box for his mom to look through later while scrapbooking. There were a lot of cute little pictures of Connor and Zoe, some at Disney World and others just in spots downtown that you could recognize. You shifted, tossing another picture into the box before freezing.

“Connie?”

“What?”

“Did you play baseball?”

Connor shifted, looking over to you, “shit,” he pulled the photo from your hand, shoving it into the box without a second thought, “yeah.”

“Aw, Connor,” you smiled, “you never told me you were in little league.”

“Because I really didn’t care.”

“Con,” you said, reaching for the box, “you look pretty happy in these pics.”

He grabbed your wrist. He was gentle, but he seemed scared for some reason. He sort of shrugged, sliding his hand into yours as a distraction, “I was seven.”

“Do you miss it?” You asked softly. He didn’t respond. He just sat there, frozen in a moment, the feeling of your fingers between him tethering him to this reality. I remembered being seven and laughing with his teammates and crying over a loss. He remembered keeping it up. He remembered having friends in middle school, all on the baseball team until he finally quit during his freshman grade year, the questions pouring in because they thought he liked baseball. He did. He loved baseball, so why did he stop? He grounded himself, squeezing your hand softly.

And very softly, he finally answered you, memories flooding his senses as he mustered up a single “yeah.”

“Tell me about it.”

Connor sort of shrugged off the sentence. “How many pictures do we still have?”

“A lot. You can tell me about baseball while we sort, alright?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Alright. Tell me to shut up if it starts getting stupid.”

You never did. You listened, taking in every word that Connor told you. The first game he ever won, he had gone out with his family and the rest of the team for ice cream at this local place called A La Mode (and that’s when you discovered that sparked a hidden love for the place until it closed down just a few months ago), how he got vanilla ice cream in Zoe’s hair by accident and how she cried over it for hours. The swell of victory has shrunk in a moment, and you watched Connor turn slightly bitter for a moment - only to go back and say it wasn’t her fault, she was six and ice cream is sticky and annoying as fuck. He talked about making the team during seventh grade, how he probably still had the weathered old baseball glove somewhere in the house. Connor told you how he was a damn good pitcher for a twelve year old. With each story, Connor kept becoming more and more alive, stars in his eyes as he grew more animated with each story. He and Larry were close. He told you it was Larry’s idea for him to join little league - because he remembered playing baseball as a kid and loving it, so maybe Connor would too. And he was right. Connor loved baseball.

Connor faltered a little bit. He remembered the glove his dad bought for him for Christmas a few years ago, that he just sorta left in the bag. That had been freshman year. Your warm touch grazed his arm and he looked back to you, trailing off in his stories. You just smiled at him after a moment, bringing his free hand up to your lips to press a soft kiss against it.

“Maybe we could go play or something.” Your words were soft. Connor sort of needed soft. Thank fuck you were here.

“You need a team, baby-”

“I know,” you nudged him, “you could teach me shit.”

“Alright.”

“You do know I’m also looking for an excuse to have your arms around me, right?”

Connor smiled again, and leaned over to press a kiss against your cheek. “Yeah. I know.”

#dear evan hansen #deh #dear evan hansen x reader #deh x reader #dear evan hansen imagine #deh imagine #dear evan hansen reader insert #deh reader insert #Connor Murphy x Reader #connor murphy #connor murphy imagine

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working-on-becoming-a-better-me · 3 years

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Day 253—Mar. 23, 2021

Okay, so the numbers for my previous consecutive posts were off by a day (like a day ahead) and February 7′s math was way off, but I googled this! so from here on out, we will be accurate! let’s go bois!

BIG UPDATE BOIS! Essentially? I’VE GOTTEN BETTER! Mental health is better, habits are better, outlook on life is better, productivity... isn’t as high as it was when I first started the blog, but it’s doing MUCH better than November and even January.

coping with minecraft:

So, I’m still addicted to the dream smp minecraft fandom. my friend got me a dream hoodie, bucket hat, and a georgenotfound hoodie for my birthday. but! I’m coping better. I’m behind on streams, and am now catching up during Spring Break. For a while, I was pushing back school work to watch and catch up on streams. I promised myself that during free periods I would work since I was catching up on streams at home, and then... yeah. ANYWAY! I’ve gotten a lot better at that recently by noticing that even fanart accounts (accounts dedicated to mcyt-ers) were talking about how they didn’t watch a phasmaphobia stream because they weren’t interested in it, or talking about how they were behind on streams... it really helped me accept the fact that I can be a real fan and not watch every single stream.

cultural convention:

My international school does events with other international schools but because of covid, we can’t travel. I act and made varsity drama (we call it a different name, but yeah!) and we had virtual conferences. I was incredibly friendly and loud and there were tons of zoom calls. Our schools kinda known for being... uh, stuck up? and kinda elitist. Not like I was being fake, but I was making an effort to talk during calls and be active on group chats made. I joke-flirt a lot and focused my attention on one person. A whole thing ensued, but some of the other actors in my school (there were only 11 of us) were joking abut sending me to “horny jail” and one girl kept apologizing for me. During “lounge sessions” I would interject with what I thought were funny comments and she’d say “again, I’d like to apologize for her behavior” and... uh... I cried at school. Cuz I’ve heard way too many times from too many different people about how I’m embarrassing... BUT.

What really helped was the fact that there were late night zoom calls and I was one of only three kids from my school the first night on a call with around 25 people. Other people said I helped give them a really good first impression of our school, especially considering all the things they’d heard previously. The guy I joke-flirted with (I previously dmed him asking if he was okay with it and he said he was) said on a call that I was one of the funniest people he’d met in a while. It was a huge confidence booster in knowing that the efforts I was making were paying off :)

confidence:

Since starting this blog, I’ve been trying to be nicer to myself. I’ve been practicing more positive self speak and have recently realized the difference between the way I speak about and to myself and how some other people do. Being nicer to myself out loud has helped a lot in feeling better and more comfortable.

I wanted to try wearing black masks, but my mom bought the wrong kind. They had patterns and I was really nervous because I didn’t really want to stand out. I used to not care, but... I dunno. Teenagehood and whatnot. We wear uniforms too, so the only differences are in accessories, hair, etc. I’m not sure why, but I was really nervous to wear the new mask patterns to school. But I told myself it was an experiment, to force me to be more confident. I actually forgot I was wearing it until I saw myself. And since I’d posted on my private story saying I was doing this to try and be more comfortable, some of my friends came up to me and told me it was actually cute. Shows that I really had nothing to stress for. Not that it was really self-expression, but for me, and anyone else who needs to hear this, no one cares. Maybe they even wish they had the courage to wear different things as well.

mcyt mantra:

I have a mantra now! adapted from something drunk Wilbur Soot said during Quackity’s livestream, I think. I repeat it when I’m happy and when I’m nervous or scared and I guess... I dunno, I’m like classically conditioning myself? Except not really since I’m doing it out of order. But yeah! get yourself a mantra!!!

character day:

more with confidence! spirit week is just an excuse for kids to not wear their uniforms, but I put a lot of effort into an Ace Ventura outfit I put together. I only saw around two or three other people actually dressed up as characters, but I had so much fun and thought I looked amazing. I was proud that I wasn’t a normie ;]

Also... it’s so humid in this country and the rubber bottoms of my boots actually stuck to the pavement and fell off. I spent the day without the bottoms of my shoes and it was so funny. Even my mom laughed after (she laughed for so long, it was adorable) and she said only I could pull it off and that the friend I walk to school with everyday is lucky to have me as a friend. My mom was telling me about how she never had a friend like me growing up, just so weird and goofy. And it made me happy to think that I can bring so much... zaniness to people’s lives

ao3:

been writing a lot more recently! haven’t been posting on my writing blog since it’s all fanfiction, but it’s helping me write! I update one of my stories every two weeks. When I feel like I’m not doing enough, it’s a nice reminder that I actually can be consistent. I may be getting better... who knows :)

nehs:

been editing lots of papers even though I don’t need to anymore since I made vp of my school’s nehs chapter. but it’s helping me learn too! I’m very instinctual when writing, but obviously when I’m editing I can’t just ask them to change something because “it doesn’t sound right”. So I google explanations and then tell the people who’s papers I’m editing. It helps both them and me!

ipad/drawing:

got a new ipad for my birthday. been messing around with procreate. been doodling in class (only dream team characters so far lol). might be getting better... hopefully I am!

also have a sticky notes app on my ipad and been creating to-do lists! yay!

teaching:

been teaching students in cambodia! last year I had a teaching partner who guided lessons mostly. this year I’m the leading teacher. It’s helping with my fear of leadership and responsibility.

social:

still not the most social, but more active on snapchat now with keeping in contact with some of the cultural convention kids. covids made it harder to keep in contact, and I’ve been trying to reach out more to my closest friend who I’ve not hung out with in a while. not that we don’t see each other at lunch every other day, but I walk to school with, share a class and after school study hall with another friend. so comparably, I’ve spent less time with my closest friend.

recently had a spa day with my small neighborhood gang! my friend painted my other guy friend’s nails! yes! we used face masks as well :)

general update:

- went to the pool the other day and now I’m hecka burnt

- yesterday I wrote letters for honor society points, caught up on math hw, wrote a reflection and plan for a class, reviewed chinese with my mom, met up with my “mentor” for a class

- have been helping a lot of people! am currently a part of two people’s pieces for their theater class and I have a rehearsal later today!

- was doing a lot of work as an officer of thespian honor society—I’m likely going to be on the officer team again next year and, until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t felt like I’d been doing much and was feeling unworthy. but then I was proactive about something and updated our sponser (school’s drama director) on what we as officers decided. felt... prettyyy goooodddd :)

- !!! yesterday I went on a walk and brought money and my student ID, ready to buy bubble tea, but then... I mustered up what little willpower I had and then didn’t buy it. Instead, I bought surprise lilies for my mom (and some groceries she asked me to get) - been trying to cut out unnecessary sugars and foods. if I’m not hungry, I shouldn’t eat, but also... I listen to my body and if I’m feeling really snacky, I’ll indulge - recently been craving ice cream, but not the flavors in my fridge so instead I’m just not eating ice cream at all and ate an apple once as a substitute :D

- not sure if I’ve been sleeping more, but it kinda feels like I have been?

- started taking pictures of the world when I think it’s pretty one sunny afternoon when I was laughing lots with a friend... especially right after cul con, I was taking a lot more pictures...

- just been more active (not physically... though occasionally, when bored, I’ll stretch some... but I should try and get more active (I mean... the walk yesterday?))... creatively speaking (ao3, with art), socially online (cul con kids), in person (making plans over spring break!)...

- I just feel like I’ve been putting more effort into life

of course, there are the down bits, like for one project based class where the end product is due in May-ish and it focuses on the “process”... I’m just... not... process-ing. I chose a writing project (why). I’m focusing a lot on my side projects, but not my class writing one :/ as well as that, when assignments pick up, I do too, but when I get down time I feel like I deserve it (which I do!) but I don’t work ahead. I’ve been really busy though. Teaching got cancelled because the school in Cambodia shut down unfortunately due to covid. But before spring break, I was teaching, editing papers, writing my own for lang, doing cul con and then catching up on work I missed because of cul con, studying for tests, attending rehearsals... there’s a lot going on and I need to recognize that I am doing so well, especially compared with a few months prior when I was in a much darker place.

mostly stress has been my plague, but yeah! also in the span of one week, two classes bumped up a grade (or half a grade... we have letters and + system (no -)) so my previously low gpa became slightly less low! It gave me confidence that I can end the semester strong!

procrastination: another plague. I keep delaying setting up college counseling meetings and have delayed this update for a while now... and the project-class...

also have babysitting jobs again so we gon get some monnaayyyyy! (job is not from people we met at the pool, but we did meet people at the pool and their kids liked me so much they asked me mom to get me to babysit them... another boost to confidence! yay :) I’m a likeable person :] )

thanks for sticking around! I’m glad I’m getting this update in because I’m doing... really well :D hope you guys are also doing well or that it gets better!

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fulloflesbeans · 7 years

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Hazel Eyes & Cake Pops [Ch. 2]

Read on Ao3 here

The next day, Chloe and I woke up around seven-forty and she made me practice how to approach and what to say to the girl. It was painful, really, to be a part of and probably watching it too.

"Do you have to practice again?" Chloe asked once again. The look on her face suggested she didn’t want to do it anymore. We stood together in the middle of the living room in our pajamas while she was trying to show me how to act and what to say.

"Chloe, no matter how many times I do this, I'm going to mess it up once it happens."

"You know what," Chloe pressed her hands together, "Let's go to Starbucks. I'll work, you'll relax, I'll pay for all the fucking coffee cups you want, hot or cold or whatever-the-fuck, and we’ll talk on my breaks.”

She had me at "relax," but the drinks were a plus.

"Bruh, I should really work in a bar instead."

"I feel like that's more your forte," I replied, "You should look into that."

"I have been, but you benefit from the coffee. I'll get it as a second job during the night. Damn, my mom would be proud of me."

She hasn’t spoken to her mom since we left. I was still in touch with my mom and dad, but I remember she fixed her relationship with her stepfather. She talked about them in a better light at the very least, though I wondered if she ever missed them.

"So, get ready," she told me, "You're hanging out there."

"I will," I headed to our room, "I think I'll keep my hair up like this."

I grabbed jeans and a t-shirt. My jeans were ripped and my shirt was a plain white one, with a black pocket. I put on my favorite gray jacket and I was ready.

I sat down on the couch again; the TV was still playing the food channel. I never understood the appeal of watching food, but now as a nineteen-year-old college student, I couldn't bring myself to stop watching it. Ironic to say as my diet continued to transcend into dangerous amounts of coffee per day.

"Today, I'll treat you to the pirate cake pop little shits," Chloe came back out in her all-black and green apron, "Right, remind you of our times together to chill out a bit."

"That would be nice." I replied, turning the TV off. I didn’t eat those much; it was a little too sweet every time I get them. Chloe was offering, so I didn’t mind that.

I’ve noticed at her job that she was very good at spelling people's names. I've asked if misspelling on purpose was a thing, but she didn't know what I was talking about. We passed by my school, looking very empty on the outside since class was in session, and went to the Starbucks parking structure. It was a parking structure for lots of the things in the area and it was well-hidden behind my school.

We walked into the café; the employees were still setting up and getting everything ready for the day.

"I'll pay for the things, 'kay?" Chloe asserted.

"I can go half—"

"You're broke," Chloe said before walking through the employees only door, "Let me do it."

As she disappeared, all I thought was how right she was. I only had one dollar in my wallet.

"Chloe, you're here!" An employee called out excitedly.

"Sup, I need one black coffee and about ten pops!" Her voice became further and further away.

I sat alone at a two-person table. I really liked circle tables, like this table was for me and for me only, even with the second chair.

I went into my phone and went through apps again. I got texts from Rachel from time-to-time. I tapped my fingers against the wooden table as I looked at my phone, looking at memes. I saw this new one about a monkey in a barber chair and I’ve never been more confused.

I heard the door open, and I look for a couple seconds, before looking down again.

"Max, you're not happy to see me?!" I recognized the voice in a heartbeat. I looked up and met with Rachel’s eyes, bright and happily looking down at me.

"Oh, Rachel!" I stood up and hugged her. Despite being a worldwide model star, she was still in her blue flannel. She was only gone for about ten months, we thought it would be for a couple years.

"I took an overnight flight here. I didn't want to say that it was my last show for the time being; I wanted to surprise you! Your hair is hella cool!"

"I'm happy to see you. Chloe is going to break and lose everything once she sees you."

"Good, because I'm going to do that, too." Rachel goes to the front counter.

Chloe came out again from the back with a cup of coffee in hand.

"Here," she roughly dropped the cup in front of me, "Don't lose your shit, alright?"

"You should be saying that to yourself." Rachel spoke up.

Chloe took a minute to become fully aware of what she just heard, turned around, dropped her jaw, and then ran to kiss and hug Rachel. The both of them sounded like they were ready to cry. It wasn’t super romantic because they were in the middle of Starbucks, but no one stopped them.

"You're really here!" Chloe exclaimed. Rachel was silent. I admired them from my seat. Even I wanted to tear up at the sight.

"I wanted to surprise you. It felt like I've been apart from you for too long."

I took my camera out and took pictures of them. They will definitely want something to remember it.

The two finally separated.

"What do you want to eat? I'll make it for you."

"I already did, but maybe later. Max, do you want anything?” Rachel turned her head to me.

"She does actually," Chloe interrupted, "She only drinks coffee."

"Eat a sandwich at least," Rachel walked over and sat across from me, "You don’t eat anything else?”

"I drink like… three cups a day.”

Chloe scoffed, "More like three hundred."

She walked back to behind the counter again.

Rachel clasped her hands together, "On second thought, I'll eat a little bit. I'm going to buy a sandwich and a coffee for myself.”

"Do I have a problem, Rachel?" I asked.

"No, I just want you to eat something." Rachel stood up again. Chloe was the cashier, so she was all smiles. I haven't seen Chloe smile so big in a long time.

I heard Rachel say, "Does she eat anything here?”

"Nope, I don’t know what the hell she eats anymore."

Now hearing it, it was embarrassing. My diet was fucked.

Rachel came back with the receipt, "You should tell Chloe what you eat, you know.”

"I only eat snacks. I didn’t think it was that important to mention."

She rolled her eyes, smiling in the end with a light laugh.

"So," she clasped her hands together again, "Tell me about this mystery girl."

"She's just a girl in my Tuesday class. I always thought she was pretty and, since the first time she smiled at me, I've been too afraid to speak to her."

"I get you," Rachel nodded her as she listened, "I can see why Chloe told you to open up."

"I tried to practice earlier, but none of it felt right. Chloe tried her best."

"Just let it happen naturally, Max. I know you developed some anxiety from moving before and then moving here. All you need to do is get those first words out, then all that stress is going to melt off."

The both of them really took my anxiety into consideration. It made me feel happy, if not a dead weight they had to drag around.

As I looked down, the door opened up again and I couldn't believe it. It was her. I slammed my hands down and the look of Rachel's face she knew.

"She's really cute, Max." Rachel whispered to me. She had the same bun and wore the same cardigan and in her hand, was the same sketchbook.

"I'm gonna talk to her." Rachel stood up quickly. I grabbed her wrist; I think that was the fastest reaction I ever had.

"I'm not ready." I whined. I probably looked pathetic; I felt like it.

"I'm not going to mention you." She patted the back of my hand. I let go.

She went through a quick order and Rachel caught up right away. I had to listen.

"Hey, I just wanted to say that I like your hair." Rachel started the conversation.

"Oh, thank you," she replied, "I like your earring."

Her voice sounded timid and tired.

"Do you go to that art school? I’m asking because of your book."

"Yes! I'm almost done with my third quarter."

"That must be a relief."

"It is, but… you do have a familiar face."

"You look at magazines often?"

"Oh, yes, you're a model! My roommate talks about you a lot—"

I stopped listening when Chloe came back out with two bags of sandwiches and a box. It was full of cake pops, surely.

"Who is she talking to?" Chloe bent over and voice low.

"The girl I need help talking to."

"Um, hello, talk to her! She might fall in love with Rachel!"

There was still anger in her tone, even though she was practically whispering.

"I wouldn't be surprised if she did."

Chloe smacked me on the forehead. I could barely hear their conversation anymore because of the blender. Chloe walked back to her job and Rachel walked back to me, leaving her to go to her own table.

"What did you learn?" I asked her.

"Her name's Kate, she's an animation major, and she loves rabbits." Rachel listed.

I nodded, fiddling with my sleeves. I pressed my lips together to say something, but she wasn’t done yet.

"She's also very religious. She went on this whole thing about God; it was surprisingly fascinating."

Okay, there goes my hopes down the drain. It was one of those things you first learn as a gay woman, and it was to never fall for a straight girl. I thought it was a joke, but I have had my fair share of crushes that ended up being very one-sided.

"Hey, don't get all sad," she grabbed her sandwich, "Just because she loves God and all, doesn't mean there's no chance. I still want you to try."

The chance was so slim that light wouldn't shine between the cracks. Rachel was so good at speaking and connecting to people, I was envious of that. I had no hope, but if I gave up now, would I really ever know? I have only ever been in one relationship in my life and it ended a few years ago on a bad note. I need a long talk with myself.

We stayed for half of Chloe's shift. The sandwich was good, even though it was tasty, it was still unsatisfying. She drove us to our apartment, so Rachel can admire the decor and whatnot. She said she was going to sleepover and said something about getting her bags later.

She had the box of cake pops in her hands; we only ate a couple.

"How much is rent here?" She asked.

"It's about nine-hundred, I think, without water and electricity," I replied, unlocking the front door, "welcome to pirate cove."

"It reminds me so much of Chloe's old room. It's so like you guys to be disorganized. I'm into it." She walked in and looked at every single poster. Her standards were still the same; I thought they would change since she was now constantly surrounded by glamorous and expensive materials.

"How do you guys pay for this thing?" Rachel placed the box on our dining table. She sat down on the couch, sinking into the brown cushions.

I sat next to her, falling into the seat, "We were given some money from our families."

"You guys are saving most of the money, right?"

"When you only drink stuff, we pretty much save ninety-nine percent of it. She wants to get a job during the night at a bar, though."

Rachel crossed her legs, left over right, "That's good. It’s more of her style! You should really eat better."

"Rachel, it's enough that you're here at all; don't waste your money on me," I looked down at our feet, "I know, right? I was proud of her when she got a job, but I never pictured her as a coffee barista."

"But hey," Rachel shifted in her seat, "Does Chloe still smoke once in a while?"

"No, actually. I haven't seen or smelled any since we moved. Why do you ask?"

In the whole year we’ve lived here, Chloe never needed to do the wake-and-bake or just any kind of smoking. It was never mentioned and brought up ever again.

"It was her thing, you know that. I was just curious because I stopped completely."

“Oh, nice. I always thought drugs were huge in the model industry.”

“They are. I wanted to stop. After everything at Blackwell and there, in general, I just needed a new start.”

I nodded. I couldn't agree more. Rachel never liked living in Arcadia Bay, hated it more than us. She left before we did in order to pursue her career. Chloe was bitter about it and still kinda was, but won’t admit it. It all paid off in the end, though.

“Promise me, Max,” She had her pinky finger out, “You’re going to eat more and better and you will talk to Kate.”

“Y-you want me to talk to her next week?”

“Not necessarily, but soon.”

She had a really big smile on her face, waiting for an answer, as she goggled at me.

I suppressed a groan, but I nodded my head, hooking my pinky with hers, "Okay."

Rachel nodded more enthusiastically, "Now, when Chloe gets back, we're going to rest, and then later, we're taking you out."

"What?"

"You need to loosen up a little bit! We want you to relax and it's obvious you're tense! We have to get you out." Rachel grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me front and back.

I blinked and get back into reality again, "Sounds fun."

#life is strange #max caulfield #kate marsh #marshfield #my fanfiction

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get-the-treasure · 7 years

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school log #1

9-5-17

Happy last ‘first day of high school’ I’m finally a senior let’s fuck shit up.

Assembly: i came in and first went to hug taylor cause jahsbfjfaks i havent seen her all summer nd did i tear up? yeah kind of lmao i missed taylor sm what a gem. then i went by like. the squad (for memory reasons: ???? ppl on the side, jade, bean, yadi, eren, rye showed up, dalon showed up, sammy showed up, ashley showed up, might be missing someone?). eren gave me a bitching smoothie (bless ty) nd i think we all just talked like we normally would. its nice to just slip into normal conversation with people wou havent seen in what feels like forever.

Hour 3 (Homegroup): sat in hg for like 2 hours. we got some new freshman of whom i only can name 3 because i missed the others names. nd i also only kno one of the sophomores by name cause i forgot the others. maybe we should talk w maya sometime? ive seen her around a few times and she looks like shes mostly alone? we got our lockers too. sike some middle schoolers took our lockers and now we have to wait until tomorrow to figure out if we can get them b a c k. then i knocked over the smoothie eren gave me nd like a little came out but not much so um thanks god. we filled out this helping sheet thing that were going to be checked on every monday soooo better keep up on work i guess. also there was a lot of talk of grilled cheese up the ass???

Hour 1 (AP Bio): i turned in my poster board and we just went over the same rubric we went over when i signed up for the class smh. doesnt seem like itll be hard tho? sammy might have to drop it if she doesnt do her entire thing over and turn it in tomorrow and even then he might say no. so heres to hoping. also sabastion sat by our table nd honestly w h y do we have to have mutual friends i hate my life.

Hour 2 (ROPE): went over like oNLY the autobiography part of the rope packet tbh. also amy said we should know who our thesis paper advisors are but 1. i didnt even know what the thesis paper was and 2. the day ended and i still have no idea who my thesis advisor is weLL GUESS ILL SUFFER. im worried i wont have a good autobiography and that i wont be able to keep up with rope, but if i just dont goof around (lol) then it shouldnt be a w f u l. i notice a big student mood is being like ‘i want to die’ when school starts but christ its not rlly that bad? u get a normal ish sleep schedule, its easier to hang out w friends imo, and the work isnt even that hard you just have to pay attention and do it. it kind of bugs me honestly when school breathes and someones like THIS IS THE WORST THING ON EARTH FUCK SCHOOL FUCK ALL THE WORK THIS SUCKS cause its literally not that bad if you just idk. dont goof off all the time. sometimes u can goof off im sure everyone does sometimes. just. do ur work nd dont get so uppity about it. also idk if nyone will even read these but this isnt directed at anyone.

Hour 4 (English 12): our class is huge lmao. sammy and i got seats by jimmy, josselin, and ariel but i think eren wants us to get to class earlier tomorrow so we can sit together w yadi at the back of the room. but we get out of hg when peter lets us out soooo we cant rlly control when he lets us out.

Lunch: there was a lil spider where i sit so i kind of shooed him away so i could sit and i ended up cramping a lot. the worst part abt school imo is the chairs are just as hard as the floor and i have awful pelvis issues so my entire lower half starts to freeze and lock up and it hurts rlly bad getting up or shifting after sitting still for a while, so i fidget a lot and shift positions a lot so i can try and reduce the pain. nyways i played music nd sidney nd alexis sat down by us and theyre really quiet (whenever i would see them in the halls on the way to class and they had a free hour or it was lunch nd id see them they were always quiet then too) and sidney left her chapstick and i hope she remembered to grab it (i told her at the assembly at the end of the day because i forgot to grab it to give back to her). i cant rlly remember what else happened honestly??? thats of noting at least.

Hour 5 (Free): eren and i are probably going to sit in michelles room for this hour since she has chairs and 3 hours in a row on the floor is going to bust my ass so bad. eren started doing work but we ended up just talking and eating and listening to a vine comp.

Hour 6 (Free): sammy came down and we did basically the same as the previous hour but more talking and laughing. i cant remember what we talked about tho?? or nything else?? (edit: we tlaked about fucking and spanx)

Hour 7 (Government): eren sammy nd i had put our stuff down in michelles room early to save our spots (but i bet ill be the only one still at the table tomorrow because they have to go to the front) and then eren nd i left to go to the bathroom then fill sammys water bottle and by the time we came back in michelle was like ‘please arrive on time’ like 1 we were in here first nd 2 the bathroom was packed nd were supposed to go between classes i couldnt piss any faster thanks tho. we got the syllabus and an intro to the class/classroom and thank god jared isnt in this class fuckkkk. also we have to do debates like in front of the class?? no t h a nk you i hate it

Hour 8 (Advanced Drawing/Painting): we just sat around ny amy was like ‘heres what well do’ but ariel sammy nd i basically talked the entire time we all know how art works.

Assembly: a final assembly to wrap everything up with all grades together (since middle nd high had separate assemblies this morning) and i dont kno if we got any important information i think it was just things only 6th graders nd new students need to know cause we hear the same spiel every year. then i guess we all left???

After School: my dad picked me up and hell be picking us up every day from now on (unless like smthn comes up u kno its whatever). he didnt say anything on the ride home unlike when he and mom would both pick us up and theyd both ask a lot of questions. i thought he was angry and i ended up being right. he and my mom got into a bad argument she told me later on and now shes changing the locks so he doesnt have a key. its kind of upsetting how she said i should be civil with like whoever my parents may end up dating nd the entire family and whatnot but she (vise versa) cant even be civil with him or the rest of our family so??? nice example you set for your kids, parents. anyways my dad is also apparently switching up stuff he says like what hell pay and what theyll keep asset wise and how theyd cooperate for our sake and now hes changing what he said during court and all this mess and i feel like hes doing it to spite my mom but hes also spiting us in the process because we rely on our mom. ughhhhh this is stupid difficult to deal w id rather just not have to hear this stuff but moms always on the phone talking about anything and everything and were forced to hear. nyways lol

#im going to put info here for future reference #day 1 #tardy: 0 #absent: 0 #late: 0 #im not counting kims class because i wasnt actually late k thanks

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pilotingthestars · 5 years

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Feel free to ignore this post. I just need to vent and then maybe I can focus on studying. Rest of post will be below for all you curious people like me. But really it’s boring emotional, relationship stuff (or lack thereof). I also have bad story telling skills. I was advised to write down my thoughts and I feel silly writing it on paper so here they are. Prepare yourself for word vomit.

So, just about 3 months ago, things and I ended terribly with my ex (that’s now the first time I’ve called him that jeez). Let’s call him Rufus from now on since that’s what my grandpa calls him to be mean sorry to anybody actually named Rufus. We had been dating for a little over 3 years when I found on his work phone that he had downloaded tinder and had been using it for a few months. I can never say for sure if he cheated or not; when I found it there was one message from him to a girl and some matches. But, mind you, he had activated it months prior and lied to me about every detail that I did know when I found out. So really, while he says nothing went beyond what I saw, I couldn’t and still don’t believe him (always had a bad habit of not answering his phone and messages too when I wasn’t with him…makes you think). I will sadly forever remember the date this happened because I had just come home from my grandfather’s birthday party in the next city. It was already late that night so I would stay in the guest bedroom upstairs (we had our own house). The next day, I would head to my mom’s in the same city mentioned above which is about an hour away. Told him I needed some space to think on things and of course I wanted to be with my family as emotionally hurt as I was.

Now that I’m away I began thinking of what’s been going on with everything in those months before. The first and biggest thing that comes to mind is the former 3 of those 4 months he had the account before I found it, my grandfather had been critically hospitalized due to a serious fire accident. He is old so the hope that he would pull through was hard to see so I would end up being at the hospital everyday. This would end up being for the next three months because fortunately my grandfather pulled through despite the chances even though it was and still is a long healing process. When I visited him on his birthday, he had just been dismissed from the hospital a couple days prior to live with my mom. Now the idea that Rufus was doing this during that time and never really was there to support me and my family during it, completely pissed me off. Unfortunately, as mad and hurt as I was, I still cared for him. They were feelings I couldn’t just shake; I had thought this was the person I would be with until the end. We had a whole life together…even bought a house together. His family was my family and whatnot.

I never stayed in that house again after that first night of finding out. A few days later, and as chance would have it, I ended up talking to him about everything on valentines day. That night, I told him I would like to take some time apart (very clearly not break up) to help me emotionally handle it on top of staying up with my school and work responsibilities. He appeared to be very sorry and realized the mistake he made and promised he would take the time to self reflect and work on himself to be a better person (ha!). I would then commute from my moms house to town everyday for school and work which was a minimum 1 hour drive one way (1hr 45min if going to work). This was also the time the workload and intensity of my classes was picking up in the semester. Between the now loss of time I had to a commute + the increased school work (double STEM major here) + my lack of sleep + my emotional instability + helping take care of grandpa who at the time still had no use of both hands and was 100% dependent…things went down hill real fast. I began missing my early morning classes, missing quizzes, homework assignments, and even exams. It was the absolute shit show of all shit shows. Somehow I have managed to keep my work out of this mess but barely. On top of all this, my mom didn’t believe him about being sorry and working on things so she created a fake tinder account to see if she would find him on there still despite him having “deleted” it. I will forever be grateful for my mom’s insight and realizing I was being naive before I did. As you can guess, just after a couple weeks, she found him on there. I called him that day and asked how was doing and blah blah, basically getting a story from him that he still wanted things to work out. As I am on the phone with him, I just send him screenshots of his own damn profile just to hear him slowly shut up and realize he’s been caught. I ended it right then.

Fortunately, at the end of the day, the mortgage was solely under his name so I did not have to worry about any legal things there. The car I used was also under his name so I had to quickly find time to purchase my own vehicle since there is no other way of getting out to my work otherwise (it’s a requirement for the job that you have your own mode of transportation – it is too far out in the middle of nowhere for anyone to bike too). Unfortunately, still had to talk to him on and off to get the other bills situated. With everything mentioned above, I told him I wasn’t quite sure at the time when I would be able to move everything out and would probably have to be a few weeks until spring break (the least he could do was ignore my stuff in the house). Well, he took it upon himself to just pack everything up for me. I guess that made the labor part on me easy but, given I still stupidly had feelings, it hurt that he seemed to want all of me gone already. So, then I was officially moved out of there with the exception of a large desk I still have to pick up. It just so happened that that my mom was getting ready to move at this time (into the big city where my grandpa’s doctors are and also where my school and work is) so I didn’t have anywhere to put the desk at the time. We just moved in a couple days ago…that’s also why I didn’t rent myself a place from the beginning because my family and I would end staying together (also I’m broke af with a car payment now).

So spring break goes by and I had a small moment to breathe to finally fully asses the situation as is all i wanted to do from the beginning before finding him on the site again. Now me being the apparent sap that I am, I asked to meet with him so that we could just talk things over once and for all and close on a decent note. Now the one thing I had valued about the relationship, is that I made sure communication was key and I was always upfront with whatever was going on (which I thought he was too but turned to obviously not be the case). So I just let him know every thought and emotion I had whether good, bad, sad, whatever. One thing I noticed and found weird was that he unfriended me on facebook (social media…sigh) even though he never did his prior ex. He said it “hurt too much” with all the reminders and I, again, naively, believed him. I thought it was a good ending convo and we parted ways on okay terms. From this point I’m still trying to handle my stupid emotions and things go back and forth but overall get better little by little. Then I find out that the reason he really unfriended me is because he was in a relationship with somebody else (!!!!) like a week (according to fb) after we ended it. Now that one hurt.

I still had somehow convinced myself that he was sorry and actually cared for me (we were together for years!) so the last thing I expected was for him to move on so quickly. I realize now how dumb I was and I felt so stupid for believing him. I can’t help but think about how long they may have actually been together before it was officially announced on fb but I know those thoughts are useless and I’m trying to ignore them…getting better each day. Far better now actually. As far as I’m aware, he doesn’t know that I know. I plan on picking up that desk next week and I’m not sure what I’m going to say to him. I am at the point now where I just don’t give a shit about him and what he does. Part of me wants to just lay it all down and perhaps tell him off and give him some semblance of this shit he’s put me through. The other half says to just be the better person, get my desk and move on. Last time we talked he said not to be a stranger but I will let him know that he will not hear from me ever again. That much is clear.

Through all of this, my self esteem had been shot. I of course had the usual questions like where did I go wrong or is there something wrong with me. I know these are stupid questions and I believe I’m at the point beyond them now. I know I’ll never really find why he did what he did (never did tell me why other than just say over and over that he made a “mistake”) and that’s okay. At one point I signed up for some of the dating sites. Realized quickly I did not have the emotional capacity to actually meet people and attempt any semblance of a romantic connection with. It was nice for a minute to just talk to people though and see that a perhaps I’m not a total waste of space romantically.

I’ve come around to recognize my worth and realize that a romantic future outside of him is possible. Looking back at what we were, I feel glad that it is over. As my mother had saw (I really should listen to her more often), I also see now that I changed a lot about who I was to fit into his world (his life, his house, his family). One thing that always bothered me (on top of many others I also swept under the rug), was that he never cared to show interest in anything I cared about. It if it wasn’t something he initially found himself interested in, then it didn’t matter despite me always trying to be the good girlfriend and find myself looking into things he liked.

At first I thought it would be hard to get to know people (I was pretty socially reclusive during the relationship) because I was now a different person than I was three years ago (21 to 24). But I realize that’s only because I stowed away my true self for so long. Of course I will say I’ve matured but I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection lately and am re-encountering all the things that I enjoyed prior to all this. One of those is music! I went to a concert the other night for a band I’ve listened to for years (even before him) and it was one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time. Though I have been continuously going to shows, this last one really stuck out and made me realize the the things I want to focus on now. My top priorities are of course my family, my school (future grad student), and my work. But also I want to spend more time going out and exploring more (especially nature), get back into learning music, and just getting to meet new and amazing people! I don’t think I’ve felt this urge to just explore and be happy as I do now; especially as someone whose dealt with depression in the past. I feel now like I have the whole word ahead of me and I think I like the idea of being free.

#personal #very personal #vent

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cyn009 · 5 years

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I just didn’t know...

So, not a lot of you really know me. I think most people follow me for the Critical Role, and gaming stuff I repost from other people. I hardly ever post something myself. And because of this, and because i feel like i need to atleast write this, this is the best place to put it. Its ok if no one reads it, but here it goes.

I have always had a big imagination. I was always the quiet, A honor roll student that always obeyed her parents, and wanted nothing more than to make them proud. While making homework and whatnot, i would watch my older brother draw. He is an amazing artists, and i remember feeling like nothing compared to him. He was better than me at everything i loved. Art, video games, he had a big group of friends that got together almost every day. The only thing i could do better was coloring. It also really annoyed me how my brother would draw these amazing pictures, but in the faintest pencil markings. I was always telling him, “You draw so awesome! Why not make it noticeable enough for people to actually see it?” He always shrugged and said that he didnt care if people didnt see it. I did care. I always looked up to my brother, and i wanted other people to know how good he was. So i asked him if i could make his drawings darker, by giving them a second pass of my own. Not altering the drawing, but simply making the lines darker. He agreed. So i started drawing his drawing all over again, until they were noticeable. Then he would ask me to color them, and i would. He got to sell a lot of his art at fairs and stuff.

I did have friends. I had a group of 4 guy friends in elementary school, who i spent lunch reading Harry Potter books with. I also had 2 girl friends that were my neighbors, who i would “play” barbies with. They would bring their Barbies and all their accessories, and i would bring my Link figurine. The one you could order from the OoT Zelda pamphlet. It was so boring... All they wanted was to dress up the dolls and all that. I wanted to have adventures!

Never happened with them, or my friends in school.

Later i moved to the US, and i went to middle school, where i met my future girlfriend. I remember so vividly that she said i looked like a whore for dressing up in a dress for a school dance. She was not a good person. But i stuck around. She was different and we would talk about anime and manga. We had this thing that we would do during class in which i would draw a stick figure on a page and pass it to her, who would add a stick figure of her own, interacting with mine. If was amazing! It didnt matter what either of us added to the page, the other would just go with it and continue adding to this story we made together.

Heh, you could say that my first OCs were literal stick figures.

We continued friends until high school, where something strange happened. I say strange cuse i dont know of anyone else personally that did this, other than us. I started embodying my OCs. I would say that “Cyn” was in her room, and someone else was possessing my body for the time being. But not just anyone, it was my own characters. People i thought would be best suited to face things than little meek me. Be it school stuff, family stuff, working out, ditching class, even my personal relationship with my girlfriend. She was also doing the same. Acting as her own OCs. I dont know how it started, but it just did. and we kept it up for a long time. All through high school, really. Up until she broke my heart. But it was strange because the girlfriends relationship was between some of out OCs, but not all of them. Some would actively ignore the other, while others just wanted each other in more ways than one.

I cared so much for her, that i allowed her to rope me into her family drama. It took over my life so much that i had completely replaced my own loving family with her broken one... I say that she broke my heart, and she really did. But i feel like it was the best thing she could have done for me. Experiences with her made me grow up from the perfect little girl that makes her parents proud to a girl that apparently had split personalities.

When she left... I was kind of lost. Having so many personalities out in the open as someone else taking care of my problem didnt work anymore. I didnt want to sound like a crazy person by telling people, “Im not Cyn, im _______.” I realized i had to grow up and admit to myself that it was just me, and i was being the person i wanted to be with the excuse that it was someone else. Because i was nothing. It took me years to get over that. I still sometimes find myself talking to one of my personalities, having full conversations and confrontations. I still feel like it helps me.

Anyways, when me and my grilfriend broke up, i found a new friend. She and I were part of a group of friends that self-published a manga magazine. We organized some OCTs and all that. It was cool.

In one of those OCTs, i met a guy from the other side of the world. We started RPing with each other and started creating this world together that i loved so much that we opened the chat RP to other of our friends from the OCTs. It later turned into a forum RP in this cute website that ran for 1000+ forum pages. If you could see us. All sitting at a table with out computers, like a LAN party, but were just RPing in type. Waiting for each other to post our next thing, and refreshing the page over and over again to keep reading the story.

Eventually, the forum story reached stagnation with the other characters in the story, so me and my friend took it out to a two person roleplay chat once again.

We roleplayed with each other for 6 years. This consumed my life just as the other personalities did. I would be with family, but my face on my phone, roleplaying and creating this world that it was just ours. And it was built for years and years, building upon the world i had created since elementary. It was this amazing place that only the two of us knew.

Then i started watching critical role and i wondered if i could do that! Roleplay with other people, maybe bring them into my world.

My first DM experience was typical. I over prepared, and made the encounters so hard that my friends ended up just abandoning the mission and not wanting to play anymore. Atleast not with me as a DM.

I was nothing again.

So i let my friend be the DM, and i became a player in the world i had helped create for years. Mostly because she didnt like how i was managing the world myself. She wanted control of it, so she took it. I felt like shit about that, but i was not going to be a petty as her. This was just a game. It was not going to mess with the ‘canon lore’ of our imaginary world no one else knew as well as us.

Anyways, it is predictable that we had a falling out, and strangely stopped talking over night. My family had always told me how they felt like my friendship with her was holding me back, and i was determined to not allow that to happen. The loss of her friendship would not stagger me. I am stronger than that. I am strong.

......

I started DMing again. With only one player. The one guy from my group of high school friends that i would have never expected to stay friends with me or willing to face my crazy world alone. But he did! I felt like an idiot that i never took his friendship seriously. He deserved better from me. (btw, Hi, dude!) I DMed a game for him for almost six months, until i felt confident that i knew how to DM better, and he felt like he needed help.

I decided to not invite people we already knew... This was something new, me opening my crazy and letting people play in the world i would escape to in my mind. People we knew would judge me for being broken. Strangers would get to know me like this, and hopefully understand that this is normal for me.

This was the best thing i could have ever done.

I made that world my own. I erased the places that hurt me and replaced them with adventures and so many new faces. NPCs. Names of people changed, their stories changed, I changed.

Now i have a group of players that have just finished the first campaign in my world. A 2 year long campaign. And they wanted to return to that world immediately, now having started Campaign 2 without even missing a single session. Not only that, but they ask me for extra sessions! They cant get enough! They are excited to be there and experience the story i will present them! I didnt know... people would like it.

I asked them what kind of DM they would describe me as. They agreed on “The Depressing DM”. The one that makes them face harsh consequences and situations that challenge their morality. I... I didn’t describe myself as happy until i dropped my old relationships, when out on my own with my world, and found new adventurers. I have always felt loved by my family, but i never thought others could love what i do. I still cant believe it is real. I am actually happy. They want me around because of who i am, what i do, and what i give them. I wished i had known sooner... But i am glad i know now. I am so grateful for my players, my friends. Thank you for welcoming me with such open minds, and joining my game. You guys make me happy. :)

#personal rant

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calvinlepesh · 5 years

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Purpose? Purpose.

My life was perfect til that day. I didn't even have a clue of how good off I was. Disrespectful, ungrateful, angry, but truly, sad. "From the beginning of my time or from the realization of the universe?" Very bold question I ask myself currently. How do I want to convey my knowledge? How do I want people to percieve what i will tell them? How will I word my stories and thoughts in a way that is too hard for normal people to understand? Can I? From the beginning it is! Now, Born Valentines day 1999 was chubby cheeked enthusiastically loved and cherished Lepesh. Born in Minnesota cold. Raised in Minnesota cold. Lepesh knew hot summer fun, running through the sprinklers, water balloon fights, Football, Basketball, Ice cream trucks, Chalk on the side walk/driveway, Biking with neighbors around our nitche. Biking by myself to the gasstation for candy. Waking up in the middle of the night to play video games in the basement, Getting caught waking up in the middle of the night to play video games in the basement. Lepesh knew winter fun. Snowboarding, Snowfuckingshoeing, Sleding, Snow tubing, Snowball fights, Huge snowmen, Snow forts along the cul-de-sac snowwall created by the huge cool snow plow! Wow! I thought to myself mouth wide open with a smile, as the large plow on the front of the truck bursted through large mountainous snow mounds with ease. Creating wonderous mounds of snow in every frontyard across the neighborhood. Building snow forts and then having a war with snow balls. The point is my childhood was filled with fucking joy and happiness. It rocked man and Im super happy that it happened. I couldn't imagine this shit happening to me before.. Well before it happened. Its 2008. Its december as I sit on the couch with my brother and my parents..... well wait here theres a little more first. February 14th 2008 Im nine years old today. Im in Mr.Larsons fourth grade class. I enjoy creative writing, recess and lunch. although I didn't write much. I really love football and sports around this time. I decided to be a cowboys football fan when my dad said I could choose cause hes too nice to force me into being a Vikings fan. My parents especially my mom but definitely my dad aswell. Let us choose what we wanted. Which I disagree with now and will certainly not allow my childeren to decide what is right. Although Im sure I will at some point definitely not in elementary what the fuck?! Anyways. Decieded to be a cowboys fan cause my dad hates them and loves the Vikings. Which I now love today. Anyways. Im in the car with my whole immediate family driving. I ask where we're going or what we're doing. While heading west in the car my dad tells me we're going to Wisconsin and we're gonna stay the night at a hotel. The entire car ride their my dad is messing with me and im furious. Im certain today if I was in the passenger seat during the exchanges between my father and I I'd be laughing my ass off. But almost at the same time sad and angry of how ungrateful and disrespectful I probably was to my father. Idk maybe I just pouted, which I did alot lol.. anyways We finally arrive after probably an hour or so drive west, not infact in the direction of Wisconsin to a large farm in eastern Minnesota. 'There's nothing here' I thought to myself. It wasn't a desolate farm but damn near close. Large housing for live stock aswell as people. My father then reveals that im going to be getting my own dog for my birthday. I immediately light with excitement and smiles. Joy pulsing in my heart. Ive always wanted a dOG' i think to myself as I turn to my brother with excitement. I can only imagine how wide and big my smile and cheeks were to this day. Entering into the large barn with my family. Me, my brother, mother , and father all enter the barn to the amazement of dogs and insulation lol. From the outside it almost looks like a overly large stereotypical red barn, however the inside has another side to the story. Carpeted floors off to the left held the petting area with already free roaming dogs. while the right side of the room looked as if they did paper work and forms and whatnot. Going right wasn't even a thought in my head. LEFT. Headed for the dogs im stopped by my mom who is greeted by the worker/farmer. Im not even listening to her. I want a fucking dog. Moments go and my patience already thin is thinner. It takes alot for me to blow up even as a child. The problem was the things building up my 'meter of rage' as a child shouldn't have been. Anyway. Finally I head over to the dogs climbing the little fence even a little small for me already tall for my age. Immediately I spot an adorable smaller black dog. I kneel down to sit with it and attempt to hold it. Only to kneel right into a huge carpet puddle newly accompanied by its main ingredient dog piss. Nice. As i tell my mom she just laughs and tells me to be careful. Its what I did worst and least often. Unfortunately that was one of my biggest issues. After looking for awhile. I now realize my dad was probably ready to leave after 10-15 minutes definitely longer than that but Understandable nonetheless. After probably 35-45 minutes of trying to find a dog that didnt shed and was actually good looking. My mom had been carrying this one dog in paticular for a decent amount of time. Asleep in her arms as if a child beautifully sleeps my savior..... The car ride home Hank held the dog the entire time. Almost sinisterly which him being an older brother. acceptable, however frowned upon. Uncharacteristically careful I am as I hold my new dog. Smile from cheek to cheek and thats a long distance lol. Still carefully holding her i slowly bring her and a blanket along with hank to the basement. Where I lay out the fluffy green blanket and set Katy ever so gentely down. Standing next to my brother stareing almost in a daze like trance. We have a dog!' We were so happy. Hank and Lep happy? Together? very rare nowadays. I would certainly come to forget of such times even now almost a foriegn concept of us being so happy together. Now back to the OG storayyy............ Holding katy close weilding her support almost as a weapon to defend myself from such an awful thing. Its happening' I feel it' i just know' its happening' We are able to create our own reality because we (humans) designed a very primitive (in comparison to the universe) way to communicate how we feel. Speech. Speech is very important. Its our first amendment here in the US. say whatever u want. Pretty much. our speech is primitive because it doesn't describe things that we are uncertain of. We have to choose in our speech whether to Have no Idea Agree disagree yes no. Now of course there are exceptions to that. But not to normal people. Normal people can't understand this. If you are reading this right now and are lost for words but think you're 'awake' so to speak. just listen. This is a huge secret to life. Huge. It may change ur life over night. The best part about it is you get to decide. Ask yourself. Am I going to be open minded to what this man has to say? Ask yourself do I want whatever he says to be true in my life?... Just so I can touch as many people as possible and help the (working class which im apart of} hear me out. You may think im fucking crazy or that idk what life even is either and you're right I don't but all you have to do IS ACCEPT THAT WHATEVER IS/WILL/HAS EVER HAPPENED, Happened because you decided it was going to happen. Before you were even born. Before anybody way born. The best part about it. Is that it is unpredictable and it is fueled and directed DIRECTLY from our speech. Whatever you speak out loud for example say I said and I have. I want to fucking die. and I meant it. I really mean it. If you don't mean what you say then learn to do that before anything. Before u start this really take the time to realize ur worth not as a person but as you. Cause you created everything in your world. The best part you created it that way cause thats the way it turns out best for you. I hope atleast. Think about it. You get through everything. most things people kill themselves over. You're trying to make yourself strong for some reason possibly? or maybe catching myself up to everyone else cause I had such a nice and spoiled childhood? Past karma current karma. Thats what gets me. Theres no way a god created this world. But i could've created this world. Maybe im evil just like the world a little bit deep down. I am. Definitely a little evil. Its apart of my soul. Its apart of everyones soul in my world maybe not as much on some people and Ill never know why that is and I don't need to cause, I trust my judgement. It may be wrong sometimes but im still alive today for some reason that I decieded. thats the beauty of myself I truly never know what im gonna do each day specifically. Ill know if im gonna be tired or up for another 5 hours. Cause I will be and Ill feel it. Ill know when i need to fucking pee. But I never know what mindset is right or true for me. partially cause i have shitty short term memory and bad hearing and vision and a bad liver. im 19 lol. Anyway. Basically the secret is speak what you want and mean it everyday. You'll know if you dont want it as badly some days. you might even miss a day. All you're trying to do for yourself by doing this is getting yourself into a routine where you put those '(vibes) or Speech and words/ Communication. Communicate with your universe. Speak how you feel. Speak what you want. Speak how you're going to get it. Even if you're thinking theres no fucking way thatll happen. Theres no fucking way im ever going to pass through college. theres no fucking way id be able to get through law school. I can't be a chef I've hardly cooked. are my common misfires. Misfires however very common after the first few days to weeks will disapate if you PUSH ON! Just like you always have! This is what you were waiting to find. You created the world it is today for yourself today to see this and reconize for yourself today. That you're doing this wrong. Since starting my program I live with partial contentment as a human being. However I personally keep myself open to negative thoughts and wishes periodically to balance my life. However as for most of u assume this is rather stupid but selfless nonetheless. The reason I hold dark as I hold light is because this is what I decieded and this was meant to happen. The decision made by the creator of my universe which is me to write this to you and share what I have learned to help better your lifes for the benefit of them I do not know what I or they gain from this because it is beyond my comprehension aswell as yours. It could be for something of the lines of in 200 years cause I told you these secrets and my experiences and helped you better your life over time and you benefitted and you passed onto your childeren. that no your family lives on in the future 200 years from now. and they're good people. maybe not all. But if taught correctly and this isnt a cureall for everybody. But it significantly helps better improve overall mood and life tolerance in your life. It doesn't work immediately. It isn't gonna take it easy on you just cause you know now. In fact. If you are not open minded currently do not read because this idea sent and recieved and read and processed by a closed mind. Blocks the process from ever having the ability for your mind to hear and read properly as an openminded individual would.

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