#im going to put info here for future reference

[anti-terf-posts]

hey chat im feeling petty so.... more for the blocklist here!! im not sure if any of these folks are terfs but they are assholes!

@/feminismisstillahatemovement (terrible name, terrible person, but at least they're funny-ish! also insinuated that im an animal abuser for... ??? idk.)

@/madame-helen (according to them, i am a victim of grooming for just having a tumblr bio? idk.)

@/battle-acs-official (debatable? made fun of me for being a satanist + rebloged the post that had this crap in it but idk,,,)

@/martian-law (liked the post that had this crap in it)

@/afoolofhope (also liked the post with this crap in it)

@/threeeightnine (ditto)

@/kcscribbler (ditto)

@/ebdaddy (ditto)

@/branden-aka-cowboyduke (ditto)

@/crabs-and-bedbugs (ditto. its a shame since they have a badass name)

@/warlord-dak

pleasure doin' business with ya!

Thank you !! Although I would ask for future reference I have more context on why someone is being put on a blocklist, makes it much easier to go through :] /nm /info

[multiplicity-positivity]

Had an experience a week or so ago that made me start questioning if ‘I’ was actually a ‘we’, now im trying to get more resources. At the moment, in incredible amounts of denial and refusal, since I’ve never been someone who thought they experienced dissociation or dissociative amnesia, nor do I feel any trauma I’ve gone through is ‘bad enough’ for smth like this, but from what I’ve seen that’s a fairly common plural experience. So, im really curious about median systems, I think is the right term for it. Was wondering if there were any resources on what it /feels/ like? I don’t think I fit a lot of the symptoms or criteria for this, but the last time I thought that I ended up getting an official diagnosis years down the line for the thing I didn’t think I had simply because it ‘wasn’t bad enough’ etc, and im now very hesitant to brush off a strong feeling like this. I don’t know, anything would help, really. Thank you

(I did also send this ask to uniquely-plural, I hope I’m not overstepping. I’m not trying to scam, im just a little bit scared and looking for direction. Sorry. Thank you)

Hiya! We don’t think sending the same ask to multiple blogs to get different takes and advice is a bad thing at all! We hope the lovely folks at uniquely-plural can have some helpful guidance for y’all! :33 honestly we think it’s a great thing when seeking advice to hear from as many folks as possible!

Our biggest post with resources for questioning systems is our resource post for questioning systems, hehe >w< we’ll go ahead and link it since there’s bound to be something listed which could be helpful for you!

As far as specific advice or experiences regarding median systems… we don’t have any specific advice or experiences for you because we aren’t a median system at all. So sorry!! But the blog @median-culture-is is an active blog for median systems, and they might be willing to share a bit about what their experiences are like! You could also scroll through that blog to see what sorts of experiences folks have sent in as culture asks! Feel free to also check out the “#median system” tag here on tumblr for more personal experiences from median systems! >w<

From what we know about median (aka midcontinuum) systems, they exist somewhere between being a singlet and being fully separated individuals. There’s a huge, probably limitless variety of ways a median system can look! There’s no official symptoms or criteria for what makes a system median, other than the fact that they identify with that term and it works well to describe their multiplicity :3 Here’s the pluralpedia entry for median systems in case you could benefit from it!

Also, we feel like it’s worth mentioning that you totally can be a system even without a history of repeated or extensive childhood trauma! Being plural simply means experiencing life as more than one, and many folks out there identify as plural even without having a dissociative disorder like DID or OSDD! We’ll include a couple more posts for you. One included our personal experiences with dissociative amnesia, and the other is our post on dealing with denial! Hopefully these posts can help answer some of your questions or help put your mind at ease a little bit :3

Also also like… trauma is trauma! If it affects you, it affects you. There’s no, like, trauma scale or certain experiences that are objectively bad enough to cause a system to form!! Every person is unique and some people respond to trauma in unique ways. So, like, please don’t downplay your own trauma history!! Besides, it really is a common occurrence for trauma survivors to believe that their trauma history wasn’t all that traumatic, or that they should be fine because other people have had it worse. Please just spend some time validating your experiences and giving yourself/selves a chance to rest and heal!

We hope we’ve touched on everything in your ask in our response! Do please get in touch again if there’s anything we missed or if you have any other questions for us at all. We’re wishing you the very best with figuring out more about yourself and your potential multiplicity!! Have a great day! :33

[spacealligator]

I'm curious to know how you manage your documents for fics, so I've come to you with a few (possibly fun?) questions regarding your process !

1 - How do you name your documents? 2- If you have a multichapter fic, do you keep it all on one document, have a separate document for every chapter, or something else? 3 - If a situation arises where you want to make a drastic change that can essentially end up deleting thousands of words, do you commit to deleting those chunks and start fixing them right in the original document, or do you resort to making copies first so that you still have the original? Something else, maybe? 4 - Optional freebie slot ! Tell me something about your process that you might want to mention, but I didn't have a question specific enough for you to mention it !

hellou whoooo, thank you so much for the ask, here`s how my mess of a brain organizes everything?

1- most of the time the titles are just the theme of the fic, so for the Handsome Cop universe ie the title of the google docs was police AU for a long time, Ive had names like roommate AU, ame trio AU, flower AU etc very straight foward. I only change the title of the google docs once I settle on a title I really like, and that usually happens when Im about to publish and have to come up with something hehe

2- I keep all chapters in one doc, and also, if Im writing a series, theyre also in the doc because I often need to reference it to check some infos or really just the tone of the writing up until then. The worst part is correcting some info that you`ve been using for some time, like the age of a character changes, or something that happened in their past and they reference it a lot, then I have to go over the whole text and look for the specific mentions of that info and it just sucks

3- I have a google docs called kill your darlings where I put the scenes and ideas that were edited off my final drafts, I often go through the drabbles to check if there`s any cool idea in there I can re use under a new light

oh man 4 it`s gonna be a wild one

while reviewing and editing I often use text to speech tools to make sure that the writing sounds natural, its really useful for non native english speakers like myself

I have a spreadsheet of all my wips, with their % completion status, whats still on the pipeline to be written, and just silly ideas that I want to explore in the future (I had to do this because I had more wips than I could manage and was drowning in plot bunnies hehe)

when Im stuck I like writing on my phone because its hard to care about formatting, so I just shoot hundreds of words into a doc that when I open up in the computer looks like a enormous wall of text, and its easier for me to correct, edit and fill in the gaps once I have the main content on a page (blank pages scare me)

I often write all the dialogue of the scene first, and then fill in the gaps with descriptions and inner monologues, this way I make sure the conversations in my fics have some rhythm to them

most of my stories never had an outline, I just get this scene in my had and then I have to do the work around to get there and after it the consequences of it, right now Im working on my cowboy bebop AU and its the first time I really planned a plot, but I dont know whether is better or not

sometimes I go back to read my fics already posted but I often get an itch to correct things like wording and typos, but I dont because thats a rabbit hole I don`t wanna fall into

I hope you enjoyed reading my answers and got something useful out of them, I`d love to ask you right back and hear about your writing process too!

[duckedoesartstuff]

ITS LUCCILLE!!! GREETINGS TO LUCCILLE!!! SHE IS HERE!!!!

AGAIN IM SO SORRY THE ART IS ASS 😭im learning to draw with mouse okay

onto the info!!!!! (um, its kind of a lot)

Luccile works for the government as a combat medic during missions!!! The symbol you see on the top right corner is the Rod of Asclepius, and it also appears as a pin on her chest. It is the symbol of medicine. She often ties a blue ribbon in her hair so she is easily spotted as a medic!!

She really, REALLY, hates toppats... The main reason why is because the toppats put her into finanical troubles (robbin banks, stealin money, indentity fraud, whatever toppats do), which ended up being detrimental to her future. She planned to pursue a medical career, but due to finanical troubles she could not pay for college nor medical school. Luccille would end up with only a highschool diploma, landing her in the government as just a combat medic. She is bitter toward Toppats, and sometimes extremely hostile at times. Part of her motivation is getting revenge on the Toppats, or being able to take part in destroying the Toppats orgnization.

That isn't exactly her only motivation though, Luccille is considered a pacafist despite all the violent feelings she has for the toppats. She also likes being a medic just for the reason of being able to help people! This is being contested though because of howard pushing her more towards violence...

moral dilemna

In terms of personality, she is very caring and social. She tries to be the voice of reason (hence the "angel on the shoulder"). She actually cares a lot about her social status. An 'incident' occured, affecting her social status within the government. Her position in the government became a little rocky. (more will be said about it LATER) She gets a little desperate to fix her reputation. One day.... One day she will snap.....

ok time for some miscellaneous stuffs!!! As shown in the reference, her main weapon is a stun baton. It's quite a strong baton with quite a few modes. It goes on a scale of 0-4. 0 is off, 1 is able to stun enemies, 2 is able to stun enemies for longer, 3-4 could probably kill a normal person, but 3-4 could be used to stun stronger people (fusions) Her baton was originally a normal stun baton, only going up to 0-2. When she became friends with Howard though, Howard modified her baton to reach higher levels incase she'd ever need it (extreme foreshadowing ngl)

thas all i got for now!! If im forgettin somethin ill edit this post :3

[justajsworkshop]

Thank you.

I'll keep this short but- I had taken a break for a few months. The entire states thing did not do me any good. When I came back, I read too much tumblr, twitter and reddit and now I'm confused on how to proceed.

I came across your blog yesterday and on skimming through a couple of your asks, you seem to not stick to the traditional rules and terminology which I truly appreciate. And I hope you can give me some advice.

-1) The lack of guidelines is making me feel kinda scared. One person tells that all there's left to do is decide, another tells that we have to 'know' it into being. Too much info has left me confused. I think I used feel safe when I knew I just had to do x, y and z and then I'll have what I want. How can I navigate through this? Everything feels kinda mixed up, if that makes sense

2)So, I read this-> https://www.tumblr.com/justajsworkshop/761700924577267712/im-the-anon-who-wanted-to-cry-this-is-silly-but?source=share

ask, because this was one of the questions I had. And the last sentence you wrote was-'manifesting is just choosing what that narrative is.' Do I choose and then...just leave it? I dont react to anything that contradicts what I chose? And where does faith/knowing come into play in all this?

I'm sorry if I sent anything that violates your ask policy. I'll send another ask if it did. Thank you for your time and help❤️

mmm, okay. so, i'm going to address a few of the specific lines you said here, and i think one thing you'll find when getting "answers" from me is that i tend to veer toward posing more questions to you, but my intention is that the questions will help you source answers from yourself instead of an outside god.

i want to give you a quick heads up that this is egregiously long (even by my standards) with minimal proofreading, and it's also very direct. so i recommend reading at a time when you're not feeling super sensitive or precious about yourself. as i say with everything i write, take what resonates. leave what doesn't. trust yourself more than you trust me.

I think I used feel safe when I knew I just had to do x, y and z and then I'll have what I want. How can I navigate through this?

preface: i generally don't answer "how" questions, but this is an open enough one that you actually captured the essence of why i ask people not to start with the word "how." people often want me to tell them what to do, but you're asking how to understand something in a different way. just adding this note here for future reference for other folks.

i'll be direct here: you used to find safety in a step-by-step process because it was easier for you to trust a process instead of trusting yourself.

truthfully, if you want to continue perceiving yourself, reality, and manifestation that way, there's nothing inherently wrong with that. your experience is entirely subjective to your preferences and not what anyone else says.

that being said, the reason i personally caution against putting your faith in processes above all is that what happens when a process "doesn't work?" what happens when results start taking longer or something else happens? and you start spiraling because you believe the process failed you; therefore, you're doing it all wrong, and you spin a narrative that you must be missing something, blah blah blah. the cycle of eternal seeking starts all over again because what you're really seeking is yourself.

anytime you create an external god, they are bound to let you down. plain and simple. so, who is your faith and trust secure in? I AM.

I AM is the ultimate process. I AM is the method, the way, the how, and the shift. I AM is just your awareness of being. you're aware that you exist, right? you didn't have to follow any process or technique or learn anything to know you exist. you just know because you just are.

(i have tons of posts on your awareness, but the most useful ones are linked in my pinned post.)

i always edit descartes' famous "i think; therefore, i am" to be extra redundant for the sake of emphasis: i exist; therefore, i am. and this leads me into this question of yours:

Do I choose and then...just leave it? I dont react to anything that contradicts what I chose?

we manifest who and what we are conscious of being. your narrative of being isn't just a one-time decision, although it is entirely possible to manifest by deciding once (i do it often). but i want you to pan out and look at the whole forrest and not just the trees.

who do you say you are?

if god were to look at you—to peer into your heart and mind—what's your attitude about yourself and life? what does god see in you? do you perceive yourself as someone who gets what they want? as someone who's capable? as someone who, even if they don't have all the answers now, can and will figure it out for themselves?

as i wrote in a post recently, if the term "states" isn't helpful for you, try attitude, as i find that it encompasses thoughts, feelings, and the perception of self in a way that makes the whole greater than the sum of its parts.

i'm going to reflect back something you said to show you the kind of attitude i'm getting from you (in this small snippet; i know there's more to you than what you wrote here):

The entire states thing did not do me any good. When I came back, I read too much tumblr, twitter and reddit and now I'm confused on how to proceed. I AM someone who is always chasing the right answer. i want to know the right way to do things because i don't trust myself to be the way. i need someone or something outside of me to instruct me because see the process or someone else's word as a greater authority over my word. I AM confused. I AM not worthy of my trust.

god is looking at all that stuff in italics, and god loves and trusts you enough that it said, anything you ask for in my name (the name of I AM, i.e., it is your nature to identify yourself a certain way), it will be added onto you. no ifs, ands, or buts. you ask for it in the name of god, I AM that I AM, it's yours.

so, what does the person who says "I AM confused" and "I AM not worthy of my trust" manifest? an experience of seeking, confusion, overwhelm, and doubt.

I dont react to anything that contradicts what I chose?

you can be non-reactive, but also you don't have to gaslight yourself into unhealthy emotional places. it's not about not reacting; it's about seeing the greater picture. person A says "I AM confused" and treats that as the end. they're literally... living in the end of being confused, and guess what they manifest. person B says, "I AM confused, AND i will figure this shit out." what's the difference between person A and person B? attitude. it's their perception of self and the situation to recognize that everything they're seeing and experiencing rn isn't the full story.

reacting isn't the end of the world. ffs, feel your feelings and do what you need to do to process in healthy ways because repression is just resistance. as neville said, "when you resist evil, you give it your attention; you continue to make it real." in this case, "evil" refers to anything you don't want.

so, if you keep trying "not to react" but it's coming from a place of repressing and pushing it away, you actually end up crediting the undesirable more, and this is why people who go the "fuck the 3D route" tend to get shit exploding back in their face. because they literally say "the 3D is fucked, fuck you" ... and then welp, the 3D fucks them back. like, it has no free will. it has to.

you and reality are one. there is no separation. it's not even just that reality is a mirror or that reality is your thoughts pushed out: all of physical reality is actually happening INSIDE you because physical reality is happening inside the mind of god. and you, your true divine self, are one with the father of all existence.

what makes manifesting confusing as fuck is when people identify with their limited, human self over their divine, limitless, eternal self. as reverend ike says, the only problem man ever has is not knowing himself, not identifying himself correctly.

you'll see it in a bunch of my posts that the first and ONLY step to manifest is to "be still and know that I AM god." and you can actually even chop that down to "know that I AM god" because when you identify as god above all, how can you NOT be one with your desires? how can you be anything else but unbothered and eternally fulfilled? because god is all things, has all things, and through whom all things are possible.

my advice is stop asking how and to start asking who. ask yourself who you really are. ask your true self to reveal themselves to you. ask yourself who do i say i am? and you'll start seeing things not through your physical, limited eyes but through the eyes of god.

anyway, i'm sorry this got so fucking long, and i hope that there was at least a nugget or two in here that helped you. the short of it is, manifesting isn't about how or when or if; it's always about who. who do you say you are? and that will be added onto you because god put all its faith into you to give you the free will to choose your conception of self.

[cpunkwitch]

answering my own questions

[pt: answering my own questions]

dont really get sent anything and not many people sent in the questions when the games were posted and reblogged, and i wanted to talk about stuff, so here we are.

this might end up being a multiple part post series?

ask game one (link)

(if comfortable) tell us about your condition? as much info as youre comfy with sharing.

i have a defect in the base of my spine, since i was born its caused me chronic pain all throughout my development and in recent years its only gotten worse, twisting my spine, headaches, jaw issues etc. i've also got highly suspected rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and ive been diagnosed with a pretty bad case of anemia so bad that everytime a doctor looks at my results after bloodwork they give me a pained look and say "heyy...did you know your iron is low? like...really really low?". that and a hand full of other things, vitamin deficiencies, etc. i dont mind talking more about this

2. do you know about the spoon theory? if yes, what do you think of it?

i'll be honest, the majority of my knowledge of spoon theory off the top of my head is that "drawer with limited supply of spoons" is the disabled way of saying i only have so much motivation and energy (phys, as "battery" usually refers to social and emotional) in me. i've read up on it ages ago but would not be able to put into better words what i still remember about spoon theory (esp since we had a different host back then), i like that its just so much quicker and easier to convey my amount of ability to do things for the day by saying whether or not i have the spoons for it.

i do like to joke that my drawer is always stocked with knives and forks for the ablests, but sometimes that requires spoons to handle too. /silly

3. do you have mobility aids? if yes, which ones? if no, do you want any in the future?

i've mention how i really wish i could have a wheelchair if i were in a different situation, i dont know if i'll ever get one and i almost cried when my brother responded to my joke of "would you make on for me?" with an "i would if i could", i really would like a wheelchair of some kind in the future if the world were more accessible and i were in a safer place. right now though, i've just got my cane that still needs repainting. i guess my moms back brace counts too, i take it with me to work sometimes.

4. how did you find out about cripplepunk? what drew you to the community and movement?

i dont exactly remember but i've known about it for years. i (prev host) might have come across it looking up different punk aesthetics, though im not completely sure why it showed up in a punk aesthetic list, possibly because its punk and people misinterpreted it? my first glimpse was seeing patches on jackets, spiked customized aids, cripples/phys disabled people in your classic punk attire (piercings, dyed spiked mohawks, ripped jeans and fingerless gloves) and i loved it. im a sucker for self expression through appearance and customizing things and then when i found out it was a whole community for support and centered around being physically disabled in general and slowly came to terms with my own disabled body and started accepting myself, i kinda fell in love with cripplepunk in the "this feels like home" sense.

i could probably ramble way more but i'll stop there.

5. if you deal with any kind of pain, what's your method of pain management?

i use hot packs, ice packs, voltaren cream, sometimes i take a cbd gummy, i do little stretches when i remember them, i take walks and hot baths/showers, im trying to go back to the chiropractor and my favourite instructors in rehab (theyre trans friendly and complimented my cane when i first came in with it i love them so much), and i take whatever meds i can, normally anti-inflammatory like ibuprofen but because i cant swallow pills i either take liquid (yeah, childs liquid meds works, the couple hours of mild relief is still worth it) or powdered tylenol or something. the hot/cold stuff depends on the pain and where on my body the pain is.

6. do you stand or sit in the shower or do you prefer baths/find bathing easier rather than showers?

i take baths for my muscles and during the damn monthly ouch in order to relax my body. i take showers just for my shoulders and when im feeling icky and wanna rinse off or something, i take showers on a "regular" basis and i normally stand because the only way i sit is if im crouched in the tub and if i do that i get extra dizzy standing up to get out when i turn the water off. thankfully im no longer near passing out when i take a shower but i still have to sit on the floor matt after because my legs demand rest. i gotta be careful with hot water cuz not only will it make me overheat quickly (i will not realize if in standing in blood-boiling hot water and turning myself into a cooked lobster until after im out) but it can also cause me to literally fall asleep in the bath which can go wrong.

7. do you have a sort of comfort item or safety blanket that helps you feel better, especially on the worst days?

a couple things. a few of them are stuffies/plushies, or music, games or books to help me keep my mind off it i suppose.

8. name 3 things you hate about hospitals/doctors/nurses/the medical system

a) a lot of them refuse to take people seriously or actually listen. sure maybe theyre tired or heard the same shtick before and wanna make sure this person isnt just a drug user trying to pity their way into getting more, but even then all matters a patient presents them with should still be taken seriously and never brushed off or mocked.

b) the fact that the er, the place you take a ticket and wait, is called the Emergency Room, when its normally scheduled appointments and people taken in by the ambulance that are top priority. sure its called the er because most visits through the er are rushed "emergency" last minute visits, people going there because they couldnt schedule an appointment and needed to see someone on that day, but still it feels wrong to call it the emergency room when its really just a waiting room and regardless of the visit they arent actually treated as emergencies. the whole system of just going to see a doctor feels messed up and most of the time you end up just going to see a nurse, get a check up and leave when they tell you what they got after a talk and examination or they schedule to see you again when a doctor is available. because of this i tend to prefer walk in clinics.

c) the fact that they charge to damn much, no matter if youre insured, it still charges so much. no matter what they do. and yeah, healthcare in canada is free to an extent if youre insured but a lot of times they charge more than your insurance can cover and not everyone can get/has insurance. not to mention the medical debt so many people have in america. i get that staff and hospitals need pay and funding but the government should have that covered and not have the patients charged so much for getting help. i almost got charged over 3k just for my short visit to the ward because there was an issue with my insurance and thats a whole angry story for another time.

9. whats an accessibility tool you wish was more accessible/that you had access to?

one of them is aac, the one i have on my phone i have to disconnect my phone to and has a limited amount of phrases i can pick from. id like it better if the app or just aac programs in general when directly to your device speaker by default, had more options for more ease conversing and none of them were behind a damn pay wall, in-app purchase or otherwise. i rarely use it for several reasons but i'd love if i could use it more with less limitations.

also wheelchair ramps. i dont have a wheelchair ramp but i wish people stopped walking on them when theyre clearly able-bodied, i wished my parents taught me and my siblings what the ramps were for and not to run up and down them as well as other parents to their kids because those things are supposed to be clear for a wheelchair user. i also think the corners should be rounded for ease of turning and that wheelchair accessible paths in general should be firm to the ground (not a wimpy matt on the sand that flips over and gets buried on the beach unmaintained), maintained and cleaned regularly, not have any gaps (ive seen so many of the small ones installed in doorways that have a height gap above the ground which causes trouble getting the wheelchair on the ramp let alone through the damn door) and not have railings made of metal if theyre outside (they can often reflect light into peoples eyes and get too hot to touch in the sun both of which are not good issues to have no matter how small they seem.)

those are at least the first to come to mind.

10. whats the worst accessability cockblock you've seen ableds do/make?

theres quite a few i've seen but atm nothing significant comes to mind other than overpricing mobility aids or placing paywalls in front of aids in general.

however there was the few times in more than one school i went to you had to go to the office, provide a 'valid' reason and ask them for a key to the elevator, otherwise they make you take the stairs. i know they do it because they dont want able-bodied kids messing with it n shit but its stupid, it should be accessible to everyone regardless. thank fuck both collages ive been to so far give free elevator use to any staff or student but in the schools i went to i was only allowed have the access key because i couldnt walk up the steps on my sprained/twisted ankle and i had to give it back at the end of every day. the last school even limited my use to just the morning or 1-2 periods that i had on the second floor. nevermind if my locker was up there.

11. whats an accessibility tool youre very thankful for?

screen readers. my little brother uses/used em more than me and i dont use them too often but im glad they exist in general i used them when i was younger and my english teachers gave us work on the computer, i used it like an audiobook and it helped me majorly. i hate that people dont always provide translations to things and make things harder on screen readers by using coloured, tiny, non-serif font-ed or 'quirked' text but ever since i was a kid i was just as happy they existed as i was about braille.

12. name 3 things you like about hospitals/docs/nurses/the medical system

a) that there are some people there who are actually hoping, willing and ready to listen and help others.

b) that they provide things for kids like toys in the waiting room, people who specialize in caring for kids in the hospital, some doctors even have their office decorated. one doctor i went to had her entire office winnie the pooh themed and it helped me out a lot when i got blood work done n stuff, it was really comforting to stare at pooh bear instead of the sharp pokey in my arm.

c) that things are usually kept quiet with low voices, as it reduces risk of overstimulation as well as avoids hurting anyones head and protects privacy of those talking about whats going on. voices are usually only raised to a normal talking level when in the privacy of a nurse or doctor office and its something i dont see really acknowledged anywhere.

13. do you have any favourite disability rep? (media or character)

not picking from my own sources, when it comes to physical disability rep, its hard for me to pick something that involves a realistic character because most of them arent very well portrayed or i cant personally relate to. i can list Freddy freeman as one, hes a crutch user and how the shazam movie portrayed him does well in expressing what ableism can be like for some visibly disabled kids in school. i could probably list some shows that handle disability well through other means if i thought of them, i know theres a few that handle it through super heros being disabled (the one spider-person who's got both a wheelchair and a cane from the recent spiderverse movie for example) or non-human characters having differences that are implied to be disabilities, and i adore that creativity, especially with showing disabled super heros as it tells disabled kids theyre still strong, not broken, they can still be cool and do great things just like able-bodied people. hard for me to name specific things off the top of my head though, guess i like specific tropes around disability rep more than anything. it helps normalize disability and thats what really makes me happy with it. (thats a big reason why i made @/your-fave-is-crippled)

14. least favourite/worst disability rep?

not phys disabled but sia's fucked up movie right off the bat still angers me. i cant name any specifics once again, normally if theres some rep that i dont like i purposely forget they exist to begin with, they arent worth remembering if they arent gonna do it right, y'know? id rather forget and move on than linger and rage about it if i can help it.

15. list some creators (youtubers/bloggers etc) that are disabled and/or cater to a disabled audience that you enjoy? (if any)

@crippled-pvp, @cripple-culture-is are a couple blogs i follow that i enjoy seeing on my dash (sorry if you dont want to be tagged!)

there was a deaf/hoh girl i used to frequent the content of as she talks a lot about signing and i really enjoyed her videos, shes such a sweet person but i never remembered her name nor any of the other creators i watched/followed. no one else comes to mind atm

16. favourite aspect about the general disabled community?

i like that there are people with advice at the ready, whatever question you have or info you need etc, theres always going to be someone with the words you need. i just like how helpful people can be in general in this community and how easily support is accessed through the community.

17. least favourite aspect about the general disabled community?

the fact that theres in-fighting, fake claiming, judgment, quick assumptions, and general internalized ableism still going on when we're supposed to be a community helping each other out not tearing each other down. im not just talking about the fight over "inclusion vs exclusion" on cripplepunk and other sub/separate communities in the disability community.

18. favourite aspect about cripplepunk?

i think my answer to "what drew you to cripplepunk" also answers this.

19. least favourite aspect about cripplepunk?

honestly? none. i hate the people forcing themselves into a space not meant to include them nor benefits them in the first place. i cant actually think of an issue i have with the cpunk community, only issues with people outside being upset over how "exclusive" it is because they want in.

20. free space:

feel free to ask me about any of my answers! i'll make a second post for the second ask game some other time. its currently 11pm and i have to get up early for morning classes yuck

[ID: banner reading "dni if... proship, transx/id, syscourse/discourse blog, anti-mspec lesbians/gays, anti-lesboy/turigirl more in pinned rentry. this blog is protected by the addams family, the de rolo family and co." in all black lowercase text. It has a grey cloud background. On the left is the De Rolo coat of arms with a cobweb in the top corner and symmetrically flipped on the right is the symbol of Vox Machina with the same cobweb in the bottom corner :End ID]

[simplysurviving89]

first post explanation.

hey, so if you made it here .. congrats? turn around while you can? i guess i should explain a little more on why i created this account. So in the summer of 2022 two family members came to me and said they think somethings going on with my daughter and i should take her to the GP for an ASD referal, i got them to make lists of what theyd seen in her and i observed her and did the same, we took this to the GP who agreed, then contacted us a week later to say the referal was declined as it has to be school that do it. So off i went to make an appointment with school to talk it through, they had no SENCO teacher at this point and all i got from the headteacher was 'we havnt seen this in school, we havnt seen that in school, we wont see these traits because of this reason ...' .. basically felt like i was being fobbed off. He told me i could do a self referral to CAHMS as all the issues seemed to be at home. I tried this and they rejected me, stating the referral had to be through school. I messaged the headteacher this information and he didnt seem bothered. So i decied to wait until they did appoint a new SENCO, which was after christmas. At the next parents evening i raised my concerns with her school teacher (who was fab!), he straight away got me a meeting with the new SENCO, i talked over my concerns with her who listened to everything i had to say, agreed with parts and said a referral for an ASD assessment seems like the best route to take, from there they had to complete 2 terms worth of in school assessments, her teacher started noticing some of her anxieties, social queues, food issues etc, so now i have to wait until closer to christmas until their assessments are done, update my own referral pack and hand it in to them and then all this can be sent off to CAHMS. Then its onto the waiting list. While all this is going on i had my sister tell me she thinks i might be autistic too, and one of my close friends (whos husband is autistic) tells me she also sees traits in me. Well all this led my overactive brain into melting down over the last 6 months, i now feel like im going through a midlife crisis of who am i? do i even understand myself? has half my life been a lie? have i been masking all this time? how do i unravel all this and find the real me, how do i get back to a place where i feel content with myself. so here i am. if you made it this far you deserve a medal! all future posts will be updates on my thoughts, feelings, info dumping, a safe place to be myself and put the worries somewhere other than in my head.

[chuxxchu]

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ Welcome to my blog ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

This is just an intro post to my silly little jirai sideblog (will prob be updated over time)

(Tw for sensitive topics + block don’t report !!)

♡ Info about me !!!

!! This blog will contain discussions regarding sensitive topics such as suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and the like so be warned !!

I don’t have a name I particularly go by so call me whatever + im ok with nicknames too :3

Being a side blog, follows and interaction will be from my main (@rigatonirules)

Age: 15 (I’m a minor so act appropriately pls!)

Pronouns: He/they (tho I don’t have a strong preference for any pronouns at all so really call me whatever)

I’m a lifestyle jirai and am getting into wearing fashion too!! ^_^

Not diagnosed with anything (yet) but I know something is wrong with me

I LOVE INTERACTING WITH OTHERS so interactions (ex: asks) is encouraged tehehe >_< (I’m attention starved pls)

Professional yapper about my interests lol (expanded on below)

♡ My interests :D

(Hearts = my FAVORITE favorite things)

Stuff I’m into: Art, Vocaloid, Hololive, ♡Project Sekai ♡, Cookie Run, Needy Streamer Overload, J-fashion, Madoka Magica, Hetalia, Tgswinwagaa, + more I’m too lazy to put

Favorite little guys ^^ (characters + oshis): ♡ Mizuki Akiyama ♡, Shadow Milk Cookie, IRyS, Raora Panthera, Sayaka Miki, Homura Akemi, Ame (nso), Feliciano Vargas, Reo Mikage + more but these are the main ones

*Mizuki Akiyama is my favorite character literally ever and I’ve been hyper fixated on her for the last 7 months so I might post/reblog a lot about them lol

!! DNI !!

General dni, homophobes, transphobes, racists, trump supports, loli/shotacons, proshippers, general assholes (you know who you are), + irl people who know me (if you think you know me pls leave me alone this is my safe safe from real life and I don’t want it following me here)

I will block freely so if you make uncomfortable I won’t hold back from blocking !

♡ Tags ~

All the different tags will all be labeled under chu just cuz that’s my user and not something I particularly go by (tho if you want to call me that that’s fine with me!!)

#chu yaps !! - yapping tag for just general talking (might still contain casual references to sensitive stuff tho so be warned)

#chu feels shitty :3 - vents (suicidal thoughts, sh, crippling feeling of guilt and loneliness, the whole shebang)

#chu gets asks! - tag for answering asks (if I ever get them lol)

(Might add more tags in the future if needed but for now this’ll do I think)

♡ (and finally) Userboxes !

All ones here are from @/jiraisupportgroup

Ty for reading through all this and I hope you enjoy your stay on my blog !! :3

[luv-beam]

i am so fucking upset I AM SO FUCKING UPSET . i cannot convey how absolutely devastated i am like im sitting here in the dark unable to fully convey KANFKDNFKFJFJFNFN AHHHSHFJRJGKKGKGKFKFKFKFKGKFK

okok im sorry i do have some things to say as general statements abt my experience and ur skills before we get into some of the nitty gritty 😭 but first off, moni, i am ashamed to say i somehow missed that u dedicated this to me. i am so so sorry for not seeing it for some awful reason, but pls know that i am so honored—like beyond honored and appreciative. u r crazy good at ur craft and i am so happy ur posting ur fiction for us to read :'))

also, i def mentioned it in my notes below, but i loooove the film quality of your writing. like the i could see the color shifts. OH MY GOD I ALSO DIDNT TALK ABT THE RELATION OF WINTER TO THE SENEFNKRNFJT TO THE END IM UPSET AGAIN i literally cannot. u have a talent for coaxing me to hand over my heart and then watching u squeeze it :')))) im upset :')))) ur really too good and i... im biting my knuckles and struggling to type bc i wanna cry

thank u for this. i know u say this fic is something ur most proud of, and that is incredibly well merited. like oh my god. i can't right now i kind of just want to cry

also, before i put my notes below, i wanted to include the songs i listened to during this and i think i def picked an appropriate playlist skfnekfn: they see me dream (tbz), future me (hailey knox), dream launch (wayv), wings (tbz), smiling thru. (slchld), square one (tbz), someday faraway (labit), empty box (atz), same dream, same mind, same night (svt), 111 (thuy), the race (chris james), heaven - acoustic (onerepublic), raise y_our glass (huh yunjin)

omg i do have to comment on the presence of two of my like,, "older brother" figure idols uji and namjoon ekfnkrnf i always imagine them in that kind of way so the vibe just feels all the more warm haha (despite the hazy sleep-deprived solidarity going on dkgnjrnf)

WAIT.... THE CONVENIENCE STORE FROM THE TEASER... OH NO.

IT RESEMBLES UR BED AFTER A LONG DAY OF WORK BUT IT DOESNT LIVE UP TO HIM?? im devastated in two sentences

the picking your fingers until blood spills is such a great humanizing detail

still, the lilacs have yet to bloom.

omg im such a sucker for flower symbolism,, this feels like a low-key reference to feelings between u and changmin? OH I SEE THEY DINT EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER YET SKFNDKFN THIS CHANGES THINGS

PLS THE "im sure they wouldn't mind working w u" ASSIGNED PAIRINGS IS SOOOOOO im getting ptsd from middle school 😭😭 that feeling of everyone knowing someone and ur just kind of alone, knowing no one will likely come to u themselves,,, but changmin... tsk tsk i have a feeling abt you....... IM ONTO U SIR

you look back at changmin; he’s still looking at you. ; (you’re still thinking about the dips in his cheeks.)

IM ONTO U JI CHANGMIN (also so real tho... his dimples are like... meant to be the centerpiece of an art gallery)

KUMON. (i mercifully never had to face that, but maybe that's why i fkn suck at math today 💀)

oh no....

i swear this is related, but im listening to wayv's dream launch and reading this part in particular w the song is so... i feel so emo rn like its okay yn-bear... you'll be okay i swear, i know it sucks now but one day ur dreams will come true even if its hard to detach ourselves from our parents' expectations and influences

also the imagery here is so visceral and vivid... like i can see it in my mind, the way you're so used to the feeling, but u still shake them off anyway bc u dont want them to linger; u can't breathe w them there, so /present/

don’t you think that some of the stories that we read hold fragments of someone?

i love this line and totally agree w this

also wanted to add that changmin trying to coax this info out of them is so :(( i love him

AWH WAIT PAPERCUT ART AND FORMING IMAGES OUT OF THEM SUCH A COOL IDEA its like the deletion(?) poetry where u take a piece of text and blot out all words except for certain ones to form poetry?

the idol comment,,, the fourth wall is shaking

OMG THE PIC???? SO GOOD WHAT I LOVE THIS AND AS A VISUAL AID/SUPPLEMENT TOO?? omg and ending this section w the single lilac having bloomed TT ugh i love callbacks to symbols

your tastebuds long for cheongju.

baaaaaanger line

jongseobs characterization >>> I LOOOVE IMPISH YOUNGER SIBLING CODED CHARACTERS

still, you stand in the middle of the mart and your heart longs for home.

and this one too ^ i feel this. the exhaustion and yearning that settles in your bones until ur convinced emotion really does carry tangible weight i love longing-for-homeisms

you and changmin were once painted with the hues of the sun. this reunion is tainted with blue.

I CHOKED. also i would like to comment on the delicious pacing of this past scene from when u realize who's standing right next to u and how the world seems to rush back toward the present from the past and ur frantic and slapping money into jongseobs palms and then—"yn?"—world stop. IIIIINHALES .. SCREAMS SO GOOD

love the blue stain over my view btw

idk how to feel abt the grape flavor being yns favorite 🧍🏻‍♀️ u do u tho

THIS???????? THIS!!!!!!! what did u deserve to know just feels so right in this situation,, when you've fallen out of touch who used to be ur world—when u r no longer their world or in their world, how much should you reveal? do they still care? where is the line drawn now?

if you miss home, why is your first instinct to run away from it?

im tearing at the walls. i am unfortunately devastated by this question. home is such a... its a complicated thing for so many people.

the black limbs slowly ate away at your heart; the void was born.

THEYRE BACK but now, instead of simply curling arounf ur heart, they're digging their nails into it and ripping chunks of it away

the lingering feelings of envy and resentment of changmins home life versus yns is so... like i think it adds such an important layer of nuance to their relationship

because you still wanted more for him than you did for yourself.

OH MY GOD

oh my god

AND THE DISTANCE FEELS GREATER NOW.. oh my god... the silence and the negative space r so loud... oh my god.....

the contrast to the next segment in summer is so staggering dkgndjnfnf also congrats to them for levelling up in friendship to calling each other fuckers!! LMFAO i adore their little back n forth here haha their arguing over the phone, to arguing over popsicle flavors

LOVEBIRDS SKCNDKFNKFNXKDKKDKD

astrophysics is cool when someone on yt is explaining it in layman's terms or ur in the space.com website, but not when ur looking at all those nightmarish equations... *shudders violently*

from that day on, you’ve learned to keep his name out of conversations. you’ll enjoy what you have with changmin, even if it has to be kept under the wraps.

in a way, this is like a form of protection, not only protecting ur own freedom and agency but akso protecting the person who has wormed his way into ur life and is determined to stay,, someone who seems to be the one good thing happening to u at that moment

im so... i wish i could sit yn down and give them a hug and a pep talk. they do know how to persevere. they're literally pushing thru right now

FINGER TRAP FINGER TRAP TITLE MENTIONED THIS IS NOT A DRILL

omg THE PROFILES SJCBDJFN THEYRE GONNA BE INTERVIEWING OUR BOYZ DJFBKDNCKDNF i am Howling at the moon

THIS??? IS FUCKING EVERYTHING???????? the different colors of cheongju seep thru gaaaaaaawd the careful wall you've built to rpetend ur past is behind u has now returned to remind u that it does, in fact, still exist. it will not hesitate to break ur bubble of present reality

i have a violent urge to throttle a couple who are poor excuses for parents

also just bringing in the murky waters rising and drowning u and filling ur lungs is just as compelling and visceral through this section. like u described it perfectly well, how when ur starting to lose oxygen, your chest burns and its slow but throbbing

are you nothing but an array of achievements and failures?

aren't we all though? :(

NOW UR HOME IS CHANGMIN.

i love just imagining ur writing like a movie, like this part in particular u can just kind of envision these things flicking across the screen chuchuchuchu—back to the present. finger traps.... clinging onto those fragments of the past... when u try to rip your fingers out of a finger trap, it grips onto u tighter; a slow withdrawal is the only way to escape... oh god

WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE ONE OF DESTINY x2 I SEE U MONI I SEE YOU.

HE WAS THE ONE OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM IM GONNA GNAW MY FINGERS OFF

im very slow today but the incorporation of all four szns into the sections of this fic is like mwah MWAHMWAHMWAH and hE CANT WAIT TO SHARE THIS SZN W U?? IM YELLING??? ugh i think im too single.

dude my heart dropped into my ass . what r these fuckass parents doing

WHAT NINONOENFOFNFJFJ NO WHAT MONI STOP NO U CANT JUST LET THE CAR GO NO HE'S RIGHT THERE NO NONONOSNFJDNFJFJ im having a crisis no WHAT

. oh my god

Oh my god that hurts. Oh my god i cant im so

im

oh im so upset they never got closure they never got to say goodbye ur right the only way to get out of a finger trap is thru a slow withdrawal—unless the connections is severed so forcefully, it just breaks .

oh my god

i dont wanna read this interview im so upset

im so fucking upset.

finger trapped (ripped to its seams) ➵ ji changmin

ji changmin x reader

with an unexpected reunion, you and changmin relive the memories of cheongju—and confront what could’ve been between you two.

general genre/warnings ➵ friends to almost lovers, angst, fluff, gender neutral reader, some depressive and insecure thoughts, hurt/comfort, the last five years story-telling method (aka present will be told going backwards while past will be told moving forward... i hope that makes sense), brief mention of blood from picking on your skin, tiger parents so... parental issues, unexpected reunion, keeping secrets & lying, jealousy remains but love triumphs, journalist reader (u kno i had to do it), reader is a nerd and changmin is a student-athlete, kms jokes from jongseob (all /lh), finger traps aren’t efficient after all

word count ➵ 15.7k words

playlist ➵ end of beginning by djo // high school in jakarta by niki // i know it won't work by gracie abrams // no big deal (i love you) by dodie // keeping tabs by niki // no one knows by stephen sanchez & laufey // so what now by reneé rapp // i wish i hated you by ariana grande // the 1 by taylor swift // seasons by wave to earth

a/n ➵ it's finally out! this is my submission for @deoboyznet's the love letter collective event! this work is so so personal to me on so many levels so i hope you all love and treat this fic with care :')) for the bitches who struggle with parents and dreams.... this one's for you (i am in the same boat) i appreciate everyone who's been so patient and looking forward to this fic's release. i'd like to thank @hcuyk for being a betareader for this fic! i also want to dedicate this one to @sungbeam and @wavesmp3 <3 your works inspire me so much and i think this fic is a product of how much they've influence me. hanbin's version is now available! please don't forget to reblog and leave feedback!!

want to be part of my taglist? send me an ask! masterlist

present -> three weeks after the interview, 2024

the newsroom never sleeps. the rings of landlines and clacks of keyboards bounce off the four walls. through light bulbs or sunshine, light continues to remain. and at every corner, a journalist stands—ready to enter the depths of slumber but remain on their toes as they await for an update on their unraveling story.

but the newsroom is rarely busy unless there’s a major nationwide event, election season or the super bowl to name a few, for most journalists are out to discover what the world has to offer.

knowledge doesn’t only come from the chitchat of your coworkers. it’s only on the field that you’ll hear of hearsay and testimonies. after all, the choice to probe rests on your shoulders.

“there’s a typo over there.”

“huh? where?”

“over here,” you mumble as your finger darts to point at a section on the screen. “it’s supposed to say “in their climactic performance on road to kingdom,” not climatic.”

“ah, i see it now. sorry about that,” lee jihoon of digital development says as he corrects the error. his hair is disheveled from the hood that once perched on his head during the night he spent in the newsroom. you would’ve scolded the guy—go home and take a shower before you stink up the place—but you are no better, grouped with the other journalists who stayed up in the office.

“there we go. should be all good. now, are you ready to go through the profiles?”

an exhausted chuckle departs from your lips. “yeah, let’s go—”

“what’s the update?” life and arts editor kim namjoon—your editor—comes to you with a smile.

the grey hoodie he wears paired with comfortable jeans shows that he’s a little relaxed. for once, you don’t see him on his phone, battling the deadlines or getting pitched stories by the other editors. it’s a nice sight but one that won’t last for long.  

“we just finished going through the article about the group, so we still have yet to go through the profiles.” jihoon then looks at you. “i can’t believe you basically wrote 12 articles. like, 11 profiles and one main article is a lot. you didn’t want to work on it with anyone else?”

once namjoon stands beside you, you bump your shoulder against his figure. “i didn’t have a choice, did i?” it’s a rhetorical question but one your editor still chooses to answer.

“unfortunately, we’re understaffed, but it seemed like you got the hang of it. i wouldn’t have trusted anyone else to do it.” namjoon shoots you a smile before redirecting his attention back to jihoon. “and as much as i’d love to tell y/n more, we have to pick up the pace.” without any further questions, the three of you resume with work. 

there’s no time to waste in the journalism industry. still, his praise doesn’t go unnoticed. 

one article turned into eight done in a matter of 30 minutes, all with the help of three pairs of eyes to go through them. (namjoon seemed to carry the heavy lifting. after all, the guy was trained to be quick in reading and spotting errors.)

it should’ve been easy to keep up with your editor for all the other articles; you know each profile like the back of your hand.

then, the face of a boy who you once knew sits on the screen.

his gaze seems to pierce through your soul, almost in the same way you last talked to him. the loose ends of composure slip through your fingers; your breath’s stuck in your throat as the hammering of your heart fills your ears. yet, he stands still on the monitor.

as your eyes drift through the passages you’ve written, every sound is drowned out. the voice of your editor fades like the everchanging seasons and the clicks of the keyboard resemble the sobs you let out in the comfort of your childhood room.

and suddenly, the hands of the clock have turned all the way back to 2014. the cubicles transformed into aisles of chips and instant ramen, and you hear mr. kim’s voice in the distance—i have some hotteok! fresh from the pan! but amidst it all, you hear the giggles of the boy, your best friend, as he rushes towards you—i’ll go audition and make you proud. as your arm is wrapped with the heat of his fingers, you almost believe that your life as a journalist is nothing but a dream—

“i knew him.” the illusion disappears within a blink of an eye. namjoon’s eyes snap towards you and jihoon stops scrolling through the website. “we went to the same high school.”

you aren’t sure why you revealed that to your coworkers, let alone your boss. it’s an old memory—your weight to carry. before you can apologize for disrupting their work, namjoon’s hand rests on your shoulder, his thumb drawing shapes into it. when you look over at him, you’re greeted by his smile. it resembles your bed after a long day of work or a slow day at the newsroom.

but it never lives up to him, whose giggles resemble nature’s symphonies. the two shots of espresso you need at the start of the day once came in the form of his warm embrace. most of all, his smile is enough to illuminate the world even through the strongest storms and times when power went out.

for the remaining articles, not a single word leaves you. before you know it, all 12 articles were ready to go up on the web.

“that’s all of it. should i still schedule them to go up around 12 p.m.?” jihoon notes as he saves the drafts.

“yeah, 12 p.m. still sounds good. thanks a lot.” namjoon nudges his shoulder before looking over to you. “let’s talk in my office.”

you don’t question his orders. once namjoon takes off, you follow him all the way to his office. as he swings the door open, you are met with the familiar sight of his workspace. hues of green and brown mix, where nature and art meet within the space of corporate.

once namjoon takes a seat on his chair, you find your spot across from him. his eyes stare off to the window. for a moment, you’re not sure what to expect from this impromptu meeting.

seconds pass and not a single word has been said—

“this place’s always alive,” your editor breaks the silence. “don’t you think so?”

you follow his line of sight. busy seoul never changes; the skyscrapers pollute the sky and the people never sleep, off to work or off to party.

“where’d you grow up again?”

you look back at namjoon whose eyes still remain locked on the city. “cheongju.”

he hums. “i haven’t been there. nice place?”

“yeah, but i haven’t gone back in a while.”

“when was the last time?” his eyes finally meet yours.

your teeth grasp the inside of your cheek. “2014, since i first left,” you admit. 

“do you miss it?”

you’re not sure how to answer. the pavements you’ve scraped your knees against and the walls your laughs bounced off of—do you miss them all? or is the reason behind your laughter and scabs the one you long for?

“is that why you were hesitant about interviewing them?” namjoon’s thumbs fiddle with each other. “because of your history with him?”

now, you stare at your linked hands. maybe the silence from you is enough to answer his question but you know namjoon would never settle for a soundless answer.

“i—i’m not a good person. and even if i didn’t make the choice to leave, i—” you hold yourself back. your fingers start to pick on the skin around your thumbs, peeling it so blood can spill. 

“it’s okay, i understand. you don’t have to share it with me.” your eyes drift back to namjoon, spotting a small smile that rests on his face. “it must’ve been hard to relive it all.”

the bond you have with namjoon is one that you hold close to your heart. through his mentorship, you got to learn about what it means to be a writer. the fears of being a journalist would loom over you, where questions of salary and demanding work hours would occupy your mind, but namjoon became someone who would absolve them all. he became a pillar in your life, one that provides you hope and comfort within the industry.

“so, don’t feel pressured to talk about it. but if you ever want to open up about it, then i’ll be here.”

namjoon’s giving you an exit. are you willing to take it?

you cross your arms as you lean back into the chair. “you know how i was a science major then?”

“yeah, i remember looking over your resume. and then i saw that you were part of your university’s publication.”

your tongue pushes against the inside of your cheek. “i would’ve gotten some job in that field, like, i had it lined up for me.”

“really? like lab coat and all?”

as namjoon attempts to hold back his laugh over the image, you chuckle along. “yeah, lab coat and all! it’s crazy how my life was all set for that field, but i’m here now.” you look down at your arms. “i think just facing him in a completely different field that i once used to imagine with him was just strange. but i think hearing his answers really did it for me.”

namjoon nods at your words. “care to have lunch with me?” your eyes snap back to your editor. “i’m guessing you want to talk about it, after all.”

all you do is smile before getting off your seat.

spring of 2014

the season of spring has graced cheongju; the sun gleams in the expanse of blue and birds perched on tree branches sing their songs. it’s the perfect season to embrace the wonders of the town.

while it would be a delight to bask under the returning warmth, you’re stuck within the walls of the classroom, head resting on crossed arms. 

still, the lilacs have yet to bloom.

“y/n.” you quickly sit up before your eyes settle on your adviser, ms. jeon, who stands in front of the classroom. “let’s take attendance.”

with that, you’re beside her as you call out each name on the class list. it’s a quick process of saying your classmates’ names for them to respond in variations of “present,” until you reach the section of last names that start with a ‘j’.

“ji changmin.” no response.

you rip your eyes off the piece of paper, only met with your classmates who either look at each other in confusion or spaced out in their own worlds.

“ji changmin?” when you’re met with the same reaction, you’re ready to mark the student absent—

“sorry!” the doors slam open. a boy clad in a white polo and jogging pants is panting by the entrance, covered in sweat as he rests on the edge of it. “sorry, i’m late.”

“oh, it’s okay! you arrived just in time.” ms. jeon smiles at the tardy student. as you watch him take a seat, his eyes lock with yours, but your adviser nudges you before saying, “y/n, proceed.”  

ji changmin made his name a few years back at a competition. the applause and roars from the crowd marked his spot in the school. others describe his movement as of cranes, standing in the middle of a pond as they do their best to minimize forming any ripples, or of elephants, swaying their trunks with control like no other.

but he’s a versatile dancer; nothing can truly capture him.

once you’ve finished marking the attendance, you go back to your seat. you’re ready to start the day with no bother but you can’t shake the feeling of being watched.

“now, you can see in these,” your art teacher, ms. park, points to the screen showcasing works from her favorite contemporary artists like kwon yongju and félix gonzález-torres, “that there are no borders to what constitutes art. and that’s not wrong because we have to recognize that art comes in different forms as we progress, from traditional painting and sculptures to digital ones.”

this field isn't your strong suit. with a greater understanding of the sciences, you struggle to create anything that could be on par with the works of any artist. yet, you enjoyed learning about every piece that your teacher shared, like unfolding and admiring something you know you can never replicate or create. still, the universe decides that they have other plans for you.

“as i mentioned before, i’ll be giving you time to work on your final assessment, which is to create an artwork for the class exhibit. for this deliverable, i’m asking that your work will be a collaborative one, meaning you aren’t working alone.” in a sea of chatter, some groans exit your classmates. “remember, inspiration doesn’t come from your own bubble! take this as your opportunity to create something that you’ve never imagined.”

within a split second, students are off their seats as they attempt to find a partner to work with. you, however, were struggling to think of who you could team up with. admittedly, you have a very different work style compared to others—even cheng xiao, aspiring valedictorian, didn’t enjoy working with you. she turned every activity into a competition against you. (you didn’t enjoy her, either.) while you’re considering shamefully going up to your classmates like a stray dog looking for anyone willing to care for them—

“hi!” in front of you stands the tardy student of today, all smiles as his hands find comfort in the pockets of his jogging pants. “do you have a partner already?”

with furrowed eyebrows, you can’t help but look him up and down. “no, why?”

“well,” changmin looks around the classroom, “everyone seems to have paired up except for us.” as his eyes drift back to you, he flashes you a smile, one that shows the dips engraved into his cheeks. “which leaves me to ask if you would like to work with me for this.”

you don’t have a choice. ms. park would never bend the rules for you. if anything, she would find a way to pair you with another student who would dread the idea of working with you. (“i’m sure they won’t mind being partners with you, right?” is what she would ask the poor student, only to be met with their retreat.)

“unless we accept a failing mark, which i’m sure we both don’t want.” it’s not like changmin had a choice as well.

“okay.” with one word, light fills his eyes, enough to resemble the starlight that grazes your skin every night. “we can meet and discuss our schedules, especially because i’ve got ap stat, and you have, uhm,” a cough leaves you, “training, i’m assuming, or rehearsals. i don’t really know what you call them.”

his eyebrows shoot up as his mouth parts open. “o—oh, yeah. i usually have training after class until 8 p.m. on tuesdays, thursdays, and saturdays.”

“same. my classes are until 7 p.m. on tuesdays and thursdays, so maybe we can use the other days to work together?”

with one nod from him, his dimples reappear. “great! i’ll see you tomorrow.”

before you know it, everyone finds their way back to their seats for ms. park’s final reminders. you do your best to pay attention to every announcement, jotting down every word on your planner and planning out your agenda for the upcoming weeks. yet, your eyes seem to have a mind of their own as they drift back to the boy who discreetly passes notes to kim donghan, another dancer on the team, all while listening to the teacher.

you don’t notice how long you spend staring at changmin until he turns to meet your gaze. in that split second, you look at each other—then, embarrassment washes over you. you shift your attention back to ms. park. as you drum your fingers against the desk, mentally kicking yourself over the interaction, you still can’t shake the feeling of being watched.

you look back at changmin; he’s still looking at you.

his dimples make their reappearance before he looks back at ms. park. you do the same as you attempt to listen to her ramble about banksy’s works. 

(you’re still thinking about the dips in his cheeks.)

the first time you get to meet with changmin for the project happens the following week. you two had different commitments to attend to, whether it be other projects or training. and while you would usually settle to meet in the school library or a cafe nearby, you find yourself inside the empty gymnasium, sitting on bleachers while your partner stands in front of mirrors.

“don’t you think it would be nice to combine our hobbies together?”

your pencil taps against the notebook. “like, your dancing? with what?”

“whatever you like to do!” once he makes his way to you, he leans on the row in front of you with crossed arms. “i mean, do you have anything you like to do during your free time?”

a scoff leaves you. “funny of you to assume that i have free time.”

“what’s your schedule like?”

“well, i have our classes and ap ones, then kumon at night.”

changmin reels at the thought of your schedule. “that’s brutal. the last time i had kumon was back in grade 4.”

“yeah, but i’m sure yours is busy as well. the amount of time that you put into training is…” his eyes are wide, hanging on your words. it’s the hope they hold that has you say, “admirable.”

a shy smile takes over his features. “yeah, but it’s only because my family is supportive of what i do.”

then, limbs whose color resembles the void slither their way to your heart, wrapping around it while the organ struggles to beat; it’s a slow process but an unending hole that will birth from it. yet, you do your best to fight off these limbs, unraveling them one by one in hopes it will give up—until you settle for shaking them off.

you only muster out a hum.

“do you have anything you like to do during those short breaks?”

your lips trill. “i don’t know. watch something on youtube?”

his cheeks puff up, stuck in his thoughts as he tries to navigate this project—and you—until his eyes glint. “what do you do when you want to vent?”

“you sure have a lot of questions,” you comment, trying to hold back a chuckle at his curiosity. “i can just adjust to you. maybe attempt to draw, picture, or even film you.”

his eyebrows furrow. “but that wouldn’t make it collaborative. i want us to work on something that aligns with what we do.”

a beat passes.

he holds your gaze. “i want us to create something that shows us.”

inside you, a gong is struck; its sound reverberates throughout your body, from the crown of your forehead to the tips of your toes. then, silence seeps in—a moment only for you and him.

“i, uh, write,” you whisper as your eyes shift to the notebook resting on your lap.

“really? like, stories and poetry?”

you nod. “i like writing people’s stories more, but i do like making ones.” when you look back at changmin, his eyes are still filled with curiosity. “i would, like, find interviews online and try to make my own, sort of, uhm—god this is embarrassing. forget about it.”

“huh? no, it isn’t!” he attempts to reassure your shrunken figure. “i mean, you don’t have to share more if you really don’t want to, but i’d like to hear more about it.” and when his dimples appear, you almost can’t help but feel your face warm up.

“i’d make articles, i guess?” he nods along with your words. “i don’t know, it’s just interesting to hear about people’s lives and kind of create something out of it, and i like thinking about all the possibilities of who would love to hear them. like, don’t you think that some of the stories that we read hold fragments of someone?”

“that’s an interesting way to look at it.”

as you doodle on your notebook, you say, “yeah, it’s just fun to hear these stories and maybe create something out of it. or even think of stories that i could never live out, you know?” you expect yourself to be met with the bored face of changmin but his eyes remain on you.

“what if you interview me?”

your eyebrows shoot up. “you?”

“yeah,” he stands up before walking up to your row, finding a spot beside you. “think of me as your first interviewee if you want.”

the sudden suggestion has you stumbling over your words. “huh? b—but, i don’t have questions prepared. and how does this help our project?” 

when his arms brush against yours, you start to become aware of the distance between your shoulders—and his face from yours. warmth spreads throughout your body, almost like you’re about to have a fever. once his open hand rests near yours, you don’t know what he’s asking.

“let me draw it out for you.” you hand him your pencil and notebook, allowing him to see your doodles. (you don’t miss his grin.) “you know, with that article you make, we can cut it up and create something out of it.” a roughly drawn sketch of a boy posed in the middle of a dance move now rests on the page. “i don’t know if a collage would be okay.”

as you think about what can be done, you perch your chin on your palm. “we can do papercut art? basically, it’s cutting up the article in a way to form an image.”

“oh, that sounds cool!”

“yeah, but the only challenge is that we can only use one piece of paper.” a sigh leaves you. “it would be impossible for me to even do that.”

“that’s why you have me.” his small smile causes wind chimes to ring. (you’re positive you heard them, even if there were no such things in the gymnasium.)

he continues to sketch out the layout of your joint artwork. “how do we feel about this?” on the paper, there are two boxes beside the figure, where one is labeled as “photo of me” while the other is labeled “an article by y/n.” your head tilts. “it’ll be a three-set piece. so, it’ll be a photo of me and your article, and in between is the papercut art that we’ll make.”

you hum. “you know, you’re very creative.” you look at him only to see that he’s been staring at you. “like, you’re inclined to the arts. i wouldn’t have been able to think of something like this.”

“you’re just as creative,” he argues back as he writes down something.

you shake your head before retorting, “changmin, you’re very talented. i’ve seen the way you dance,” his movements halt, “and you’re like no other dancer i’ve seen. if you ever try out to be an idol, i’m sure you’d do great, maybe end up on the list of the best dancers in the industry.”

but he shakes his head, going back to writing on your notebook and shutting down your compliments. you decide to not push.

“i can get the photo sometime during my training,” he says as he hands you your notebook.

“then i can have the questions sometime this week. for the article, i can have it done maybe four days after the interview. how does wednesday, after school, sound for the interview?”

he shoots you a smile before standing up from his seat. “that’s perfect! i’m looking forward to meeting journalist y/n.” you can’t help but scoff at what he calls you. “what’s wrong?”

“nothing,” you shake your head. “it’s just a silly name.” because the reality is that you had your future planned out—and it definitely didn’t involve that field.

he shrugs. “i don’t know, i think it would fit you.”

“but you haven’t read any of my works.”

“but i want to root for you in the same way you do for me. i don’t want you to feel ashamed of your works.” a fire ignites in your heart; it’s a fireplace.

you’re baffled that changmin, out of all people, now holds your secret, but you’re even astounded over the idea of him supporting you. you almost can’t remember the last time you heard such words of support. is it genuine or nothing but a facade?

“anyway, i’ve got to go. i need to catch up on some homework.” while you shoot him a nod, his dimples make their appearance once more. “i’ll see you tomorrow!” as he takes off, you’re left in the gymnasium with your opened notebook and unlocked heart. you look back down at his sketch surrounded by your doodles, but you don’t miss his little note—cute doodles btw <3

the season of spring has unfolded in cheongju; a single lilac has bloomed.

present -> a day before the interview, 2024

it’s a late night on a tuesday, about to be a midnight wednesday, and you’re in a convenience store as you scout for your dinner. all hauled up in the newsroom, the idea of ordering food during a time where restaurants would still be open slipped your mind. now, you’re left to scan through the same options you’ve eaten for the past years since you started living in seoul.

the convenience clerks are familiar with you, both kim jongseob and kim jiwoo. with your constant late-night meals at the store, you’d talk to whichever one had a shift. jongseob is saving up to upgrade his setup at home to record more music. with all the stories he shares about his time in underground rap battles along with the short verses he’s performed for you, you’re positive that he’ll get signed to a label soon. as for jiwoo, this is one of the many jobs she has in order to save enough money for fashion school. you’ve seen her sketches and outfits she’s put together and you’re hoping that she’ll get accepted.

a sigh leaves you. you didn’t have a problem with eating the food here but you were craving for something new in your life in seoul. the perpetual cycle of eating takeout food and unconsciously skipping meals for work needed to be disrupted just for a moment. but you weren’t seeking michelin-star food—all you wanted was something home cooked. something from home.

the spice of tteokbokki, the burn of freshly fried hotteok, and the sweetness of homemade peach iced tea—mr. kim’s convenience store had it all.

your tastebuds long for cheongju.

“planning to beat your record of spending 23 minutes on deciding what to get?”

you roll your eyes before looking to your right, seeing jongseob stock up the drinks in the fridge. “i hate you.”

“what? i’m just saying, you’re taking a lot longer to decide today.” he chuckles before placing the last bottle of sweetened probiotic milk in the fridge. “none of the options look good to you?”

“sort of,” you hum before you scan through the aisle of packaged meals. “i think i’m craving for something different.”

“i get it. the food here can get boring, which is why i’m planning to order pizza if you want to split the costs.”

your eyebrows shoot up at jongseob’s suggestion. “really? you’d share pizza with me?”

“yeah, as long as you pay for your share.” he shoots you a smile before grabbing on a trolley carrying empty boxes. “unless… you want to pay for the whole thing.”

you bite back a smile as you shake your head. you should’ve known the guy would ask you to buy him food, but you knew that he needed the money and you at least had a stable income to keep you comfortable. “fine,” jongseob’s smile grows as you fish out your wallet from your pocket and pull out a couple of bills. “just order enough for us two.” 

“of course,” he says as soon as you hand him some money. “i’ll make sure to order the most expensive thing on the menu.”

you scoff at his joke. “just make sure to treat me to something.”

the bell by the door chimes. “sorry, can’t hear you over that! need to attend to a customer!” jongseob dashes away from you while dragging the trolley. that little shit just knew how to press your buttons, but you love the kid, anyway.

still, you stand in the middle of the mart and your heart longs for home.

then, you shut your eyes, and you’re transported back in front of the familiar aisle filled with bags of potato chips and sweet corn. the noisy fan along with the soft sounds of mr. kim’s korean drama fills your ears. a mix of yellow and orange hues paint every corner of the mart, including you—and you’re not alone.

your best friend stands on your right, wearing the unbuttoned school uniform polo over a tank top along with jogging pants. he’s lost in thought as he scans through the options of snacks you two can have for today’s afternoon. he starts to giggle to himself, probably from a silly thought he’ll share with you in the next second or a memory involving you, and the dips in his cheeks appear—your heart thumps in your ears.

and just like how quickly you were transported back to cheongju, your surroundings transformed into the cool-lit convenience store found in seoul. all you have left is the image of him bathed in the sunlight.

but he fades away like the ink on old receipts, never gone, because the glowing image of him warps into a different version who stands next to you in the cold mart. he’s grown a few inches taller and his hair doesn’t get in the way of his line of sight. while he wears a green sweater, you notice that he’s gained some muscles. his eyes scan through the aisle behind you filled with different brands of instant ramen.

but he bites the inside of his cheek and his dimples appear.

it’s a tornado that brews within you, enough to uproot trees and displace buildings, all because of an unexpected reunion with changmin. why did the universe decide to bring two ex-best friends on a random tuesday night? what brings him to the convenience store at the same time you’re there? and why did it have to happen a day before the interview?

you weren’t going to commit the same mistake; keep your eyes off of him and make your way out of the store. it didn’t matter if you had an empty, growling stomach, or gave free money to jongseob. you need to leave without the distant, familiar face noticing.

your feet act fast, and you're almost certain that might’ve caught his attention, but it didn’t matter as you see jongseob standing behind the cashier with his phone out. “i just ordered the pizza. it should arrive in about… 20 to 30 minutes.”

“yeah, about that…”

“don’t tell me you’re taking your money back.”

at the sight of jongseob’s pout, you roll your eyes. “no, keep it. i just—i need to go.”

“what? why?”

you peek behind you. it seems like he didn’t recognize you, after all. “i’ve got… work!”

“but don’t you only have your interview with the bo—”

“hey!” your fingers snap at him. “you cannot—i mean, you just… just take the goddamn money.”

“but we’re supposed to share the pizza. you haven’t eaten.”

an exasperated sigh leaves you. “jongseob, just treat me next time. i can eat at home.”

and you’re ready to leave the convenience store, bid farewell to jongseob and a delicious pizza made for two, and never greet or say goodbye to the living fragment of what you last know of cheongju—

“y/n?”

and the plan failed.

when you meet his gaze, you’re able to take in the different version of him. he’s grown so much—it’s such a pain that you weren’t there to witness it. his eyes are a pool of emotions; you can’t identify them.

all it takes is one breath from you. “changmin.”

a beat passes.

“i’m just gonna… go through the storage,” jongseob points his thumb at the back of the mart, “and maybe kill myself afterwards. i don’t know.” before you can protest, he’s already gone. (and he still has your money. that fucker.)

you and changmin were once painted with the hues of the sun. this reunion is tainted with blue.

changmin’s fingers tense up, almost as if he was hesitating—debating—on how to approach you. his body would waver, but he never took a step towards you. “i… i wasn’t expecting to meet you here.” 

“same here.” you lean your back against the checkout counter. “d—do you stay around this part of the city?”

he shakes his head. “i live around 15, maybe 20, minutes away from here. i’m only here because…” your breath gets caught in your throat. “i don’t know.”

fate. that’s what brought us here.

“do you live here?”

you nod. “yeah, ever since—” the sentence never gets completed; you and him already know.

for a moment, sorrow flashes in his eyes, but a smile shows up. the dimples don’t appear. “i, uh, i was going to get something from here but it seems like your friend is busy.”

“sorry about jongseob.” you whip out your phone and scold him through text. “he should be with us in a bit.”

changmin hums before walking to the freezer filled with different ice cream. as he looks through the selection, he asks, “do you still like twin bar?”

“y—yeah.”

“still the grape flavor?” you don’t know what to say, but when his gaze meets yours, you settle for a nod. with your favorite ice cream in one hand and a sandwich in the other, he finally walks towards you. you don’t miss the slight stagger in his steps.

changmin finds his spot beside you. there’s still distance between you two—two tiles worth, enough space for one person—but it’s enough for your muscles to freeze. thankfully, jongseob comes just in time to manage the cashier (with an awkward smile plastered on).

he scans changmin’s item first before grabbing onto your ice cream.

“oh, i’m paying—”

“no, let me,” changmin insists. “you can always treat me another time.”

you bite the inside of your cheek, thinking over the second half of his sentence. jongseob holds back from scanning the item, until you shoot him a nod. changmin pays for the food before jongseob hands them to you.

“i’ll just let you know when the pizza gets here.” his small smile is enough for your shoulders to ease and a quiet exhale to leave. a small nod is all you give him.

you follow changmin outside to the tables in front of the mart. once he’s settled on a spot, you sit across from him. he tears away the plastic wrapping of his food while you play with the ends of yours. 

while he swallows what you assume to be his dinner of the day, you’re left to swallow your own pride.

“i’ve seen your performances.” his chews halt. “you’re—” captivating. “you’ve improved a lot.”  

with one gulp, a shy smile takes over his face. “i still have a long way to go.”

“you always say that, even back then.” a half bitten sandwich now rests on the wrapper. “but i admire your drive.” always have.

while a different version of changmin sits across you, the one you knew back in cheongju still lives. in the busy, unfamiliar expanse of seoul, meeting 10 years later, he’ll never be stranger. you could never treat him as such, even if you wanted to.

“there’s always room for improvement,” he says.

you hum along with his sentiment. “did you stick with early childhood education?” you’re met with his orbs that hold a thousand of emotions, some you can name as shock, confusion. a question hangs in the air—what did you deserve to know?

“sorry, i’m assuming you still went to college, which is totally fine if you did or didn’t, by the way. and it’s also okay if you didn’t stick to your major. i mean, you always talked about pursuing a performing arts degree before—”

“y/n,” he giggles, “you’re okay. i still went to college but i took media & communication.” your eyebrows shoot up at the revelation. “i thought it made sense to study something related to what i do, just the more technical and theoretical side of it, i guess. and the online classes were easy to squeeze into my schedule.” he lifts up the sandwich. “what about you?”

“uh, i ended up in the same course as well.” a hum of shock leaves changmin. “yeah,” you chuckle, “i managed to shift courses.”

“that’s amazing! i’m happy for you.”

you smile at him. “thanks. now, i’m just—” you should tell him what you do. what would be a better time to reveal that you ended up in the path he dreamed for you to be than now? “—figuring things out.”

with your vagueness, changmin only nods before munching away. if there’s anything about you that still remains, it’s that you shouldn’t be pushed to share something you didn’t want to talk about. he still knew that.

as he finishes his sandwich, you tear off the plastic wrapping of your ice cream. with the twin bar in your hands, you snap it into two before you hand him a piece. confusion paints his features, wide eyes glossing over the popsicle in your hand, but he takes it before you can say anything.

“thanks.”

you shake your head. “don’t even worry about it. it’s only tradition.”

silence settles between you two. as you eat away on your share of the twin bar, you look up to the sky. from where you sit, you can’t see a single star; the lights of seoul seemed to outshine them. and during those moments, you almost can’t help but miss the view of the starry night from your childhood room.

you glance at changmin who looks up to the sky as well. yet, one hand remains in his pocket, almost as if he’s fiddling with something. 

as if he feels your eyes on him, he asks, “did you ever think about coming back?”

you halt your movements. if there’s one thing you were expecting your old friend to ask, it would be related to your sudden departure. but you’re hit with an entirely different question, one you didn’t get to rehearse the answer to in case you ever cross paths with him. 

because after all this talk about your yearning for cheongju, why didn’t you choose to visit? despite how much you long mr. kim’s home cooked meals, skies filled with stars, or the presence of your best friend, why didn’t you ever come back?

if you miss home, why is your first instinct to run away from it?

and the reality is that you do think about it all the time. since you left cheongju, you drafted out how many plans to go back. you were homesick, missing the familiar landscape you spent your entire childhood growing up in. but most of all, you missed changmin. as long as you had him, you would survive anywhere, whether in seoul or cheongju.

despite how much you yearned for him during your years away, you learned that your relationship wasn’t always filled with the warmth that would grace you two every afternoon. for so long, you’ve sat with jealousy. while his family was his pillar of strength, you were met with a home that offered nothing but criticism.

the black limbs slowly ate away at your heart; the void was born.

it became easier to remain resentful. with the distance, you weren’t faced with changmin’s genuineness. yet, with time, you discovered that you still cared for him—regardless of your jealousy—because you still wanted more for him than you did for yourself.

for a long time, you resented. now, it’s only guilt that held you back from going back to him.

so when you remain silent, changmin takes it as your answer.

and for the first time, the distance feels greater since you first left cheongju.

summer of 2014

it’s the peak of summer. amidst the expanse of verdant fields, bees seek solace in the fully-bloomed sunflowers and kaleidoscope wings illuminate as they soar.

but summer is where mouths go dry and clothes cling to skin. as days blend with each other, the comfort of your bed is all you have until the season passes.

the fan rumbles against the wooden floor, doing its best to cool you, but the heat prickles against the back of your neck. the wind has turned into nothing but hot waves. with your elbows perched on the desk, a sigh leaves you as you attempt to make sense of the worksheet filled with math equations.

your room is your favorite place in cheongju. within these four walls are scattered fragments of you, from your favorite books and mangas that rest on the bookshelf to the stuffed toys that rest on your bed. book tabs stick out of your workbooks lined up on your desk and your cork board is filled with crossed out to-do lists.

and every once in a while, you would look out through your window, admiring the neighboring houses and all their greenery. as people walk on pavements, you cannot help but think about where they’re off to—are they on their way to work? did they leave an important document back home? or are they coming back to a meal and home filled with warmth?

despite the halo soundtrack filling your ears, the cogs in your brain seem to drown them out. the numbers on your paper have jumbled up. it should’ve been easy. after all, you’ve become friends with the letters who’ve squeezed their way into math. once you’ve wrapped up on this assignment, you know you’ll wake up to another set of work to do. it didn’t help that you’re stuck watching kids your age enjoy their break.

with a tired mind, you consider making yourself another cup of iced coffee. maybe another dose of caffeine will make sense of the numbers—

your phone buzzes against your table. as your eyes rip from the unfinished worksheet, you spot the familiar name flashing on the screen. with one glance at your door, you bring your headphones to rest around your neck. it takes three rings for you to answer.

“what do you want?”

“the fuck? what’s wrong with you?”

you roll your eyes as you fiddle with your pen. “i’m studying, you fucker.”

“on a sunday?” changmin’s question has you only groan. “what happened to resting?”

“i wish,” you murmur as you scratch the back of your head. “i’ve been stuck on this stupid worksheet for the past hours. it’s annoying too. i mean, i already know this topic, so i don’t know why it’s so hard.”

“awe, is my best friend suffering over kumon?”

your forehead rests on crossed arms. “yes. i think i’m going to die.”

“okay, then. i’ll take that as my sign.”

“sign to what?”

he chuckles as if it were obvious. “to save you! let’s go to mr. kim’s.”

a groan leaves you as your back meets the chair. “no, i can’t. do you know what would happen if i don’t finish my kumon?”

“uh… no?”

“me, neither. i’m not taking my chances.”

“but, you’re not even doing anything!” changmin pointing out the obvious has you rolling your eyes. “wouldn’t it be better to take a break with your best friend? i can even help out.”

as you bite the inside of your cheek, you glance once more at your closed door. you weigh it out; would you rather take a break with your best friend or would you save yourself from the consequences brought by home?

but the answer was already clear. “give me 10 minutes.”

changmin laughs before you drop the call.

it’s the smell of fresh hotteok that greets you. the quiet buzzing of the fan accompanied by mr. kim’s favorite trot music fills your ears. while the owner seems to be away from the cashier, a white, stray cat takes over, body flopped on the counter as it snores away the heat. as the sun pours through windows, coating every corner of the mart with a glow of fireflies, you know this will be a place of its own.

“y/n, over here!” a familiar voice calls out. as you whip your head to the source, you see your best friend by the chest freezer, eyes crinkled and all dimples.

now, you’re certain that nothing could ever replicate this.

you walk towards changmin, finding your spot beside him as you two look through the collection of frozen treats. “so, what do you want from here?” you ask.

“uh… i’ll be honest, i just realized i’m short on money.”

you glance through the price tags, only for a groan to leave you. “i’m short too. when did mr. kim raise the prices?”

“no clue. i thought i’d have enough to get a summer crush,” changmin complains as his eyes are glued to the coffee sorbet. “i hate inflation.”

“come on.” you fish out for the coins in your pocket. “let’s see how much we have together.” changmin does the same. with palms out, you two count through your shared funds.

“we can get a summer crush!”

“you can get one. i’ll be left with barely anything.” you look through the selection once more. “man, i really want samanco. the red bean sounds so good right now.”

defeat casts over changmin’s features. for a moment, you almost consider giving up on having a frozen treat and settling for a glass bottle of orange soda, until you spot a familiar popsicle brand.

“holy shit, it’s right there.”

“what?”

“there!” your finger points at the stack of twin bars. “we can probably get that and split it.”

changmin’s expression morphs into realization. “okay, let’s get—”

“dibs on grape.”

“dibs?” he furrows his eyebrows at you. “you can’t just call dibs. you’re doing it wrong. clearly, we should discuss—”

“nope,” you retort. a chuckle laced with disbelief leaves your best friend. to him, it seemed like you were joking around. “i made the suggestion and contributed a lot more to our shared funds.”

“okay, but—”

“don’t tell me you want the peach flavor more than the grape.” as you continue to shut him down, he knows there’s no way around you.

(plus, he wasn’t a fan of peach-flavored things, anyway. how unfortunate that mr. kim only has those two flavors right now.)

“next time, we’re choosing a flavor that i want,” he gives in. you let out a cheer before grabbing the frozen treat.

you two make your way back to the cashier and spot mr. kim slouched in front of the television, hand stroking the sleepy feline. he’s still wearing an old, red plaid apron on top of a pair of basketball shorts and a loose graphic tee which had the name of a band you’re unfamiliar with. with how he sits, you’re afraid that his back problems will get even worse. (still, you don’t say anything. he’ll only play it off and say he’s still one of the “youngins”... whatever that means.)

once his eyes land on you two, a grin takes over. “ah, my favorite kids! it’s nice to see you both.”

“yeah, it’s been a while,” changmin starts off. “y/n’s always busy with kumon.”

you narrow your eyes at the boy. “hey! you’re busy, too! you’ve been practicing at the studio almost every day!” the wrapped popsicle now rests on the counter. “every time i’m free, you’re not.”

“hey! whenever you’re free, i’m tired from training!”

“okay, let’s settle down,” mr. kim breaks up the banter. he then takes note of the ice cream on the cashier, the price showing up on the cashier. “isn’t the heat hard enough for you two to be studying or practicing?”

“yes, very much.” you count the coins once more before dropping the exact amount on the counter. “but,” you glance at changmin and his disheartened expression is enough for mountains to move, “i don’t think we have a choice.”

in reality, these were the circumstances you two had to work and live with. during the days changmin ended practice early, you were drowning in summer school assessments. whenever you managed to finish your homework, it would be during the hours your best friend was off at the studio or passed out at home from exhaustion.

“choice, no choice, people always say that.” mr. kim counts your payment before putting it into the cashier. as he takes note of what you’ve bought, he says, “everyone has a choice. i’m sure you two can figure it out.”

the only difference is that one chose this path; the other had to suffer from the decision forced onto them.

“don’t worry, mr. kim,” changmin nudges your shoulder. “i’m sure we’ll figure it out.” and when the dips in his cheeks appear, you find yourself smiling back.

maybe you were okay with the life you had to live, just maybe.

“anyway, we’ll go ahead,” changmin bids farewell to mr. kim.

you giggle. “he means we’re just going to eat our ice cream at the front.”

as you two slowly make your way out of the mart, mr. kim shakes his head. “you lovebirds go ahead. i’ll see you next time!”

“mr. kim!” you and changmin shout in unison before glancing at each other.

“what?!”

your best friend groans. “you know we aren’t together.”

“yeah! like, i can’t imagine it,” you join in.

still, the owner laughs at your reactions. “you two are so funny. just go and enjoy your ice cream.”

you roll your eyes at his words. “bye, mr. kim!”

with that, you and changmin were out of the mart and took a seat on the benches. you hand your best friend the wrapped frozen treat before letting out a sigh. “i still can’t believe this is one of the few times we got to meet up during the break.”

“i know.” he tears the plastic wrapping off. “you would think that summer break would mean we get to hang out nonstop, but i’m starting to think we saw each other more whenever we had school.”

you hum. “i know. and i had ap stat while you had training.” your eyes dart at changmin who grips onto the popsicle sticks, struggling to split it into two. “oh my god, don’t tell me you can’t split it.”

“hey! it’s hard.”

as you giggle, you reach your hand out. “let me do it.” once changmin hands you the twin bar, you attempt to split the two. for a moment, you almost think about agreeing with him. yet, the frozen treat splits into two perfectly, and a satisfied smile rests on your lips.

you hand him one popsicle, only to be met with his glare. “i know, i’m just better.”

“just shut up.” to that, another laugh leaves you.

under the sun, you enjoy the coolness of the twin bar. while you would’ve stared off to nowhere, you and changmin were here at the right time to catch civilians bustling away. some were on dates, where one would go on about their interest while the other would smile at their rambling. there were kids whose chatter could be heard all the way from the end of the block, and blue-collar men who were off to enjoy their break.

you can’t help but imagine what people saw—thought—of you and changmin. did they think of you as unexpected friends? has it ever crossed their minds that you two were only classmates who seemed to always be paired together? or did they ever think the same as mr. kim?

“you know,” changmin starts off, causing you to look at him, “i was going through college courses the other day.”

your eyebrows shoot up. “oh?”

with your reaction, changmin giggles. “i was just curious, you know? not that i’m giving up on dance or anything, but,” he licks the popsicle, “early childhood education sounds cool.”

you hum. “i wasn’t expecting that.”

“what’s that supposed to mean?”

“no, it’s not a bad thing!” you reassure the boy. “it’s just,” you rip your gaze off of changmin and look at the playground, “i always thought of you as a dancer, you know? kind of like you were meant for the stage.” the laughter of the kids who passed by you two bounces all over the block and you can’t help but smile. “but i don’t doubt it.”

the breeze graces your sweat-covered skin. “what about you?” you look back at him. “would you ever consider journalism? maybe communication as your major?”

you’re quick to laugh at his suggestion, but when confusion paints his features, you realize it’s a serious question from him.

“no.” it’s a straightforward answer from you, but changmin could never settle with that

“why not?”

a sigh leaves you. “i just don’t consider it. i mean, i think about it,” all the time, “but not enough to consider it. plus, astrophysics is cool.”

“but is it your dream?”

changmin’s question is an easy one to answer—not at all. you’ve had enough learning about theories and making sense of the numbers. if your future is going to only complicate that further, then maybe astrophysics isn’t made for you. 

but who’s to say that you’ll even enjoy journalism?

“we’ll see.” you leave it at that and changmin didn’t push for more.

because the reality is that if you ever did consider it, transform those dreams into action plans, you were terrified to be met with your parents’ disappointment—it wouldn’t only be from your lousy desires but from changmin’s role in your life.

the first time you mentioned changmin to your parents happened over dinner, letting them know you would be staying later at school to work on the final project for art class with him. they didn’t bat an eye at his name as they continued to talk about what happened during work and pester you about your progress in other classes. (art class didn’t matter to them, only the sciences and math were ones they seemed to track. still, they would criticize you if you didn’t place first honors.)

with your parents’ oversight, something blossomed between you and changmin. from there, there were more days you would get home later than usual. while you were still on top of your work, they took your late arrivals as a form of negligence.

all it took was one night for them to demand an explanation. the reappearance of him in the conversation had only caused them to reprimand you—changmin’s not like you. he’ll only hold you back. 

from that day on, you’ve learned to keep his name out of conversations. you’ll enjoy what you have with changmin, even if it has to be kept under the wraps.

“how’s training?” you change the subject, trying to keep the attention off of your failed dreams to changmin’s flourishing ones.

“well, it’s a lot,” he chuckles as he munches a piece. “you already know that it takes how many hours to get to the company, and the hours i spend in the practice room are unlike the trainings i have at school.”

as his eyes meet yours, you only shoot him an apologetic smile. it was never going to be easy; you two knew that before changmin entered the doors of the company. yet, he still held on.

“you know, i never considered it before, but i like where i’m going,” he admits. “even if i’ve always had dreams to pursue dance, i want to make my family proud if i ever get to debut.” 

changmin knows how to persevere. regardless of all the bruises he gets from performing complex dance routines or the hours of sleep he longs for, he knows how to hold on. you wish you could say the same for yourself.

“and you will,” you reassure the boy, wrapping your arm around his shoulders. “who wouldn’t be proud of you?”

he holds your stare and your smile falters. for a moment, you don’t know if you touched on a sensitive topic. would he shrug your arm off? do you think he’ll shut you off, maybe cut your time together short? will changmin get mad at you for something you didn’t know was wrong? would he be just like them?

“i want to make you proud.”

that’s enough to answer it all.

you shake your head. “don’t even doubt that for a second.” your arm finds it spot back to your side, and changmin’s loops his with yours.

although he knows how to persevere, he never knows when to shut his ears from the shadows. 

“i am proud of you,” you tell him. “always have, always will.” he can’t help but smile. all you can hope is that he’ll listen closely to your voice.

“i almost forgot,” he says out of nowhere.

“forgot what?”

as he tugs his arm away, his hand fishes for something in his pocket. “close your eyes.” you furrow your eyebrows. “just do it!” you follow his orders. “and keep them closed, okay?” you let out a hum.

before you know it, something wraps around your index finger. you would’ve opened your eyes, confused over the foreign yet familiar material, but they remain shut. 

“okay, open.”

your gaze rests on your finger wrapped in yellow and blue. it’s a finger trap—and the other end is connected to changmin. despite your tug, it still holds you two together.

it’s the warmth that fills your cheeks, the heartbeat in your ears, and your starstruck eyes that has him smile. “no matter what happens, we’ll stick together, okay? regardless of what paths we end up pursuing. all that matters is that we have each other.”

he’s filled with hope. hope for his dreams. hope for your relationship. hope for what the future holds for you two. you can’t help but hope as well.

all it takes is a nod from you to solidify the promise to the universe.

you two sit in silence, finishing up the popsicles as people continue to pass by. at one point, you heard mr. kim let out a curse over the drama he’s watching. the sun is about to set, wrapping you two in a golden blanket, and all that matters is the finger trap.

present  -> two weeks before the interview, 2024

it’s no surprise to you that the newsroom is quiet. while your peers are off to gather more information, you’re with lee chaeyeon of news as she tries to meet the deadline for her article’s first close.

“do you think dokyeom will be late?” you ask as you watch her rephrase sentences.

she laughs. “when is he never? minho’s always assigning him coverages.”

“that’s true.” your eyes drift to the hallway. “i’m just hungry. he still owes me food, you know?”

“over another bet? or you saving his ass?”

“over helping him with an article,” you reveal, earning a shocked look from her. “for some odd reason, he needed another writer to help out with a live coverage, and all the sports writers and sports editor were busy handling the other events.”

“holy shit.” chaeyeon continues with her work. “i didn’t expect you to work on anything sports-related.”

“yeah, but it helped that it was a dance competition. at least i know something about dance.” you only know who to thank. “i’m going to make sure i get compensated for that. i’m planning to raise it to minho and namjoon, anyway. that’s if dokyeom would fucking come and help in explaining the situation.”

with the mention of the tardy writer’s name, he’s scrambling through the halls with his backpack in one hand and a paper bag in the other. the moment he sees you, he shoots you an apologetic smile.

“speak of the devil,” you say as you stand up straight. “why do you always show up late? i helped you with the article.”

dokyeom finds his spot beside you as he sets down the bag on your desk. “i’ll have you know that wasn’t the only article i had yesterday. i was catching up on other ones that minho assigned me.” before he can plop down on his seat, he spots chaeyeon working. “damn, tough life at news.”

“no need to point out the obvious, doofus.”

“wow, harsh,” he replies to her insult. “just so you know, i bought food for us.”

“thank god,” you exclaim as you open the paper bag filled with takeout containers and sealed cups. as you pull them out one by one, you spot your usual order from the vietnamese restaurant around the corner. “oh my god, thank you for getting me this.” you take a seat before you pass dokyeom his food and utensils.

“yeah, i know. i’m just the best.” his shower of compliments for himself only has you rolling your eyes. “but thank you, by the way, for helping me out with the article. i needed an extra pair of hands and my own editor couldn’t stand in to help out.”

“it’s fine. just make sure you help me get compensated for that article,” you say before you open the container. as the smell of bun bo nam bo fills your nose, you can’t help but let out a quiet moan. “holy fuck, i’ve been craving this.”

“i made sure to get you some vietnamese coffee also.”

“yeah, i saw. thank you.” you split the chopsticks with one hand. you’re about to mix the bowl of your favorite food—

“is y/n here?” your editor calls out, causing you to let out a sigh before you stand up from your seat.

“yes?”

namjoon’s gaze lands on you. “can i talk to you for a bit?”

despite your grumbling stomach, you give him a nod and set your food down. as he retreats to his office, you glare at dokyeom who munches away on goi cuon. “i hate you.”

“hey, what did i do?!” you ignore his attempts to defend himself as you make your way to your editor’s office.

once you swing the door open, you spot namjoon whose eyes are stuck to the screen. “you can take a seat,” he says with no attempt to look at you. you sit across from him, hands folded on your lap, while he types away on his keyboard.

the moment he hits the ‘enter’ key is when he finally looks at you. “sorry about that. i was just replying to minho regarding your compensation for the article you worked with dokyeom. we both appreciate what you did. next time though, make sure to loop in minho or me before you two start working on beats not within your staffs.”

“sorry about that,” you start off. “dokyeom only asked for my help and i thought it would be fine since i’m familiar with dance, anyway.”

namjoon shakes his head with a small smile plastered on his face. “it is fine, just make sure to inform us.” you only nod.

“anyway, i’m sorry to have this meeting with you right now but i have to leave work early today, and i thought that you’d appreciate that i tell this to you now instead of tomorrow,” he says. you hum, curious about what he has to say. “i have a coverage for you, a very, very, long one.”

over the sight of your wide eyes, he can’t help but chuckle. “it’s 12 articles,” he says and your mouth gapes over the number. “well, one main article and 11 profiles with very brief introductory paragraphs.” his attempt to ease your shocked state does nothing.

“namjoon, that’s… a lot.”

“yes, i know. i would love to split the workload but everyone else is handling other articles, and i trust you. i know i’m asking for a lot but i’ll make sure to help you out with them. it’s just that we’re working on a time crunch and i don’t know anyone else i can ask but you.”

the faith that your editor seems to have in you is like no other.

“profiles, like, those q&a transcripts?” you ask.

he nods before saying, “yes, and just a brief introductory paragraph for each profile. i’m just expecting you to put more work into the article about the group. i’ll make sure to help out with the profiles.”

namjoon’s trust should be anxiety inducing, enough to send you complaining, but you find yourself relieved. your mentor became your second-in-command; the mountain of workload transformed into a hill.

“okay.”

a relaxed smile appears on his face at your acceptance. “thank god! i was going to stress about this the whole day if you refused. i’ll make sure to send you the details about this once i’m done with my appointments, and then we can see how we’ll divide the work later on.” he types something. “we’re covering a k-pop group which is why there’s one main article about the whole group and then 11 profiles.”

“yeah, i figured that out.” this isn’t anything out of your usual articles. “can i ask who we’re interviewing? maybe i can do some research on them while you attend your meetings.” you pull out your phone, ready to search up whoever your editor says.

“don’t know if you’re familiar with them but they’re called the boyz?” you still in your seat. “wait, let me check. yes, that’s their name.”

“the boyz?”

namjoon looks at you, now met with your features that have transformed from wide eyes to scrunched eyebrows.  “yeah. do you know them?” 

you shake your head without a second thought. “no, i don’t think i do,” you whisper the last sentence to yourself. his narrow eyes look over you, almost dissecting you.

the walls surrounding you are painted in solid colors of pearl, almost untouched. yet, under the paint are cracks that spread like cobwebs. every burst is a testament to the earthquakes they’ve faced; no one should be able to see a single line of black amid the white sea. now, they’re filled with paste, and it should be enough to cover them all.

but for the first time, the paint has chipped and the paste has deteriorated; the different colors of cheongju seep through the cracks.

you clear your throat as you straighten your back. “i’ll be sure to research them.” you wave your phone at him, hoping to divert his attention, but his gaze remains on you.

a sigh leaves him. “okay. expect to receive the documents later in the afternoon.”

he doesn’t push any further. for now, the walls remain intact. (or appear as so.)

it was never going to be easy.

“honestly, i gave up expecting to win as we practiced,” the youngest says through tears. as they huddle, they let out silent wishes for the upcoming years. before they blow the candle, they don’t forget to express their gratitude to the fandom who stuck with them through thick and thin.

a time of celebration turned into a moment to remember their struggles. these were pockets of their time that marked their spot in history.

“oh, everyone behind us is crying!” another member points out as the camera captures the team’s bittersweet cries.

and when you catch sight of the orange-haired boy who hides his tears behind his friend, the ache in your chest starts to spread through your veins. the video cuts to his low-hanging head as his members comfort him. they knew all of his hardships—you only know a fraction.

such a tender moment happened five years ago; it’s the same amount of time between this achievement and your departure. within those years, what did changmin undergo? did his trainings waver his passion or did the fire burn just as bright as it did since he first auditioned? was he confident in his skills or was he still critical about every performance he had?

but most of all, what did he face? what did he learn? to hate? to love?

what did he go through without you?

you don’t forget to take note of their first win on your document filled with bullet points of information. while you were going to continue watching, a recommended video caught your attention. it’s a changmin focus. you don’t hesitate to click it.

the video starts off with him checking up on the fans before the performance starts. as he mimes out eating, they answer his question with reassurance.

and there they come—his dimples appear.

it transitions to their group in their opening formation. as they await for the song to play out, changmin’s familiar smile shifts into a dominant gaze.

in the same way the first notes draw people to listen, your eyes never leave the boy. his movements are fluid, like water droplets sliding off leaves. he commands the stage regardless of where he’s positioned.

changmin is meant to be on the stage—no, every stage is made for him. every crowd is meant to cheer his name and remain captive to his talents, and every spotlight is meant to shine on him.

you rest your chin on crossed arms. long gone was the bowl cut and loose school uniform. he’s grown. matured, even. yet, the moments where his smile appears makes you realize one thing: the 16-year-old boy you knew still lives within him.

as their performance comes to an end, you don’t bother to move your cursor, letting the next recommended video play. and when his vlog plays out, you realize that a fragment of his identity is a whole of what you know.

what an honor it is to have known him for even a fraction of your lifetime.

his voice is a lullaby, the same one you used to fall asleep to, so you allow yourself to close your eyes. you let go of the responsibilities for just this moment, and allow yourself to be transported back into the warmth of his arms.

fall of 2014

out of all the seasons, autumn took its spot in being your favorite. clusters of green slowly morph  into shades of oranges and browns. it’s a symphony of chirps that fills the silence. while the breeze brings you comfort after the heat of summer, it also reminds you of the looming winter.

it’s a shame that autumn does live up to its other name: a season of fall.

“you’re always like this,” your mother comments. you stand in front of your parents, slumped shoulders and downcast eyes, as they hold a sheet of paper they believe dictates your future. “always so sensitive. we’re just asking you what went different. why did your grades drop?” to them, a shift from a to b+ is a threat to your future. 

while your feet stand on wooden floors, a flood starts to form. murky waves crash against your legs, but you do your best to keep your balance.

“answer us when you’re being talked to.” your father snaps you out of your thoughts. “what have you been doing for your grades to drop?” you want to answer but a single sound that leaves you may only lead to blubbers that your parents will scold you for. 

with your silence, your mother sneers. “i knew we shouldn’t have let you do your own things. i told you so.” she shifts her gaze to him. “what did i tell you about y/n? you know they’ll only slack off!”

“i thought we could trust them. clearly, i was wrong.” your father’s glare raises the water levels, reaching your chest. you don’t know how to swim in the foggy ocean.

“i know why.” she crosses her arms. “it’s because of that changmin boy, isn’t it?” she says his name laced with disgust.

you don’t think twice to defend him. “no, it isn’t!”

“don’t you dare talk back at me!”

“but i’m not! he’s done nothing.”

your father begins to raise his voice. “and that’s what’s wrong! that lazy boy does nothing for his studies. he clearly doesn’t care about his future.”

you always knew it would be a losing battle, but you’ll put up the fight to protect your best friend’s name. “that’s not true! he does care. he’s planning to do early childhood education for college, maybe become a teacher.”

“that job has no money. see, i can already see that you’re being influenced by him,” he argues back.

and as the murky waters rise, filling your lungs, your first instinct is to close your eyes and scream. “stop saying that about him!”

a beat passes.

“i don’t want you hanging out with him.”

“but—”

“shut up.” your mother’s words cause you to look up, meeting your parents’ faces filled with anger.  “go to your room. now.” you’re nothing but a puppet for them.

was it even a battle if you always knew you were going to lose?

despite the safety of your room, you don’t let the tears flow down. you do anything to distract yourself; maybe a book will convince you that your life is only a figment of your imagination.

waves continue to crash against your body. if you let them take your body, would they send you far away from cheongju? from your parents? from the weight you were entrusted to carry since birth?

but would you allow the waves to send you away from changmin?

your phone buzzes against the mattress. with tear-filled eyes, you see your best friend trying to reach you. you don’t think twice about declining his call and shutting off your phone.

as you curl in your bed, you hope the sea will swallow you whole—the slow, burning pain that comes with drowning won’t compare to the burns that haven’t healed. but you know that the blame rests on your shoulders. if only you had studied harder, cut off hours of rest for your work, then maybe you would be the perfect child your parents wanted.

were you wrong for allowing yourself to enjoy the small breaks between classes? was the time spent in the mart supposed to be for schoolwork? should you have found yourself a tutor? were you in the wrong for not working yourself to the bone? did you not work enough?

are you not enough?

then, a knock. your eyes snap open. like a stroke of light in the middle of the dark, changmin is by your window.

you get off your bed to open the window. as the glass barrier disappears, he enters your room. “are you okay?” he spots your glassy eyes and his hands find their spot on your shoulders. “what happened?”

you break eye contact. “what do you want, changmin?”

“you didn’t pick up your phone. and when i tried calling again, i couldn’t reach you,” he starts to explain.

you shrug off his grip on you before you take a seat on your bed. “i’m fine. my phone died.” as you feel the spot beside you dip, you look at your best friend. at the sight of his furrowed eyebrows, you know he doesn’t believe you. “i said i’m fine.”

“i didn’t say anything.” for you are an open book to him.

he opens his arms towards you—it’s your move to make. then, a tight-lipped smile shows on his face, his dimples appear, and you allow yourself to fall. with his arms wrapped around you, you shut your eyes as you nestle your face into his neck.

breathe in. breathe out.

his hand finds its spot on your back, rubbing it in circles.

breathe in. breathe out.

“it’s okay, i’m here,” he says, and you allow yourself to crumble in front of him for the first time.

the tears hit changmin’s neck like a light drizzle. your wails bring earthquakes into his world.

yet, his warmth is enough to dry up droplets, and his embrace protects you as you fall into the cracks of the earth and into the depths of the world. the flood starts to subside.

in your time knowing changmin, how much did he know about you after all? had he always known of your strained relationship with your parents? did he hear about it from others or was he able to connect the dots?

because you didn’t know yourself outside of your parents anymore. did you like science because of your kumon classes? was your interest in writing birthed from a desire for validation from your parents?

are you nothing but an array of achievements and failures?

but your parents will never be satisfied; a standard too high is practically nonexistent.

changmin moves so that you two can lie down. his arms remain wrapped around you as you hide in his neck. “i’m sorry if i wasn’t there for you when you needed it then.” his whispered apology causes you to shake your head.

“you didn’t do anything wrong,” you blubber out to his neck.

“and you didn’t, as well.” his hand finds its spot behind your head. with every stroke, a tear streams down. “and i want you to know that i’ll be here for you.”

in your house, your room was the only space you called home. solace built by you. 

now, your home is changmin.

present -> two weeks before the interview, 2024

something about the newsroom feels odd to you. there’s nothing out of the ordinary aside from it bustling with journalists. the familiar sounds of printers and chatter from your workmates fill your ears. it’s a typical occurrence for your peers to meet their deadlines on the day itself. the tug in your gut doesn’t resemble ones formed out of your anxiety. why does it feel like one of destiny?

“where is dokyeom? i swear, this guy never shows up to the office.”

you snap out of your thoughts, looking over at chaeyeon who browses through her phone. as you shove a bill into the vending machine, a chuckle leaves you. “when is he never?”

“maybe if he finishes his coverages on time then he’d be getting enough sleep. then, he won’t be late.”

you side-eye your friend before you click on a button. “you know that’s not true.”

she sighs at the same time your bottle of iced tea drops. “yeah. apparently, if you have free time, you’re not a good journalist or some shit which i find stupid.” you grab your drink before facing her. “am i not allowed to do something else that’s not related to my job? i swear, this is why i’m single.”

“then date another journalist.” your joke earns a scowl from her.

“i’m never dating anyone in my field. a journalist dating another journalist is like,” she looks up to the ceiling as she thinks, “a long distance relationship with how much they’ll never see or have time for each other.”

a laugh erupts from you, one that may be too loud for your liking. “true.”

as you walk out of the breakroom with chaeyeon, you notice something in the corner of your eye: a brunette by the restroom. while you can’t see his face, you spot what’s in his hand and you halt in your tracks—a finger trap.

“hey, is there someone there?” your eyes snap back to your friend who looks at you in confusion. when your eyes drift back to where the brunette once was, he’s already gone. you shake your head before walking back to your desk.

the same gut feeling lingers. with a frown, you open up your article only to be met with a few comments that namjoon left last night. maybe your gut knew that you weren’t done with your work. thankfully, it’s nothing too major, and you can have them done within the next few minutes.

“there you are!” chaeyeon exclaims, causing you to look up from your screen to a panting dokyeom. “were you working on your articles again?”

“actually, i went out last night.” while you shake your head at dokyeom’s reveal, chaeyeon gasps. “yeah, i did! i actually had fun for once!”

as he nods proudly at last night’s events, she complains, “are you serious?! how come you have time to go out? i was just talking to y/n that we never have time to ourselves.”

“i’m in sports,” he points out as he shrugs his shoulders. “you’re in news.” at this point, you’re expecting the two to spiral into an argument, so you redirect your focus back to your article.

“hey, did you hear though? there’s a k-pop group in the building.” you glance at chaeyeon.

your other friend leans on the cubicle. “really? who?”

“no clue.”

dokyeom lets out a groan. “what type of journalist are you if you can’t find out?”

“yah!” chaeyeon smacks his arm, causing him to wince in pain. “says you who can never submit on time.”

“hey, i’ll have you know that minho has been understanding!”

“whatever.” she rolls her eyes before looking at you. “that means you’ll probably be handling them. i hope they’re cute so that you can finally have something going on with your life outside of work.”

a chuckle leaves you as you get back to work. “i’m never dating an idol. i’d get hunted down by their fans.” 

“yeah, but can’t you dream a little? do you ever imagine what it would be like?”

the past plays in your mind. after school performances and interviews. broken-up popsicles. finger traps. a life you shared with changmin then—one you still cling onto.

yet, you shake your head as you edit your article. “not even.”

it’s a life you’ll keep to yourself.

“what’s the update?”

the three of you look away from each other, spotting namjoon who comes to you with a smile. long gone were the sweaters that failed to drown out his figure and the boxy glasses that would rest on the bridge of his nose. now, he wears a dress shirt and trousers with hair slicked to the side. there were no frames for him to hide behind.

“ah, namjoon! you’re dressed so nice today.”

with dokyeom’s compliment, he can’t hold back on his smile. “thank you. are you guys done with your articles?”

as your friends nod, you add the finishing touches to the document. “and done! i just finished addressing your comments.”

“great. thanks, y/n.”

“do you have something?” chaeyeon asks your editor, causing you to roll your eyes. one thing about journalists is that they love to know everything.

namjoon nods before saying, “i just had a meeting with some possible interviewees.”

“is this the one with the k-pop group?” as dokyeom asks the question, you can’t help but laugh as chaeyeon looks at him in disbelief for spilling confidential information.

your editor chuckles. “yes.”

“can we know—”

“no, you can’t know.”

chaeyeon pouts at namjoon. “not even a hint?”

namjoon ignores her question and begins to walk off. “good work, y/n!” he calls out before leaving you three alone.

“man, namjoon never tells us shit,” chaeyeon complains as she leans on the table.

“to you guys, at least,” you argue with a small shrug.

still, the gut feeling remains.

something about the newsroom feels odd to changmin. while he’s had his fair share of paranormal experiences, his gut tells him that there’s something in the office. yet, the tug isn’t one that speaks of danger. why does it feel like one of destiny?

“should we have a short break before we discuss the schedules for the photoshoots and interviews?” changmin is snapped out of his thoughts by namjoon’s suggestion.

his manager looks at the group. “do you guys need a break?”

sangyeon shoots namjoon a smile before looking at his members. “you guys can use the washroom if you need to.”

although everyone seemed fine with proceeding, changmin couldn’t shake off the feeling. maybe the leftover curry he had this morning went bad. “i’ll go,” he says as he gets off his seat.

namjoon slowly stands up. “okay, i can bring you there—”

“it’s okay! i saw the washroom on the way here,” changmin says before walking to the door. “you can discuss the details without me. i’m sure you guys will manage.”

with sangyeon’s and his manager’s nods, namjoon settles back into his seat. “okay then, here are some of the dates i have in mind...”

changmin exits the room. he bites on the inside of the cheek as he thinks of what his gut could be telling him. is it the nerves for the upcoming tour? is he worried about the next comeback they’ve been preparing? or is he scared about what the future has in store for his group?

with his mind on these questions, he doesn’t realize that he arrives in front of the bathroom door. a sigh of frustration leaves him. the worst thing about gut feelings is never knowing what they’re trying to say.

he grips the handle, ready to swing the door open, until a familiar laugh hits his ears. one of the past. one he hasn’t heard in years. his muscles freeze.

when was the last time he heard that chortle? when was the last time he became the cause of it?

his eyes dart around the area for the source but no one else is here. he can’t help but shake his head in disbelief.

it should be stupid for him to think you two would ever reunite. in what world would you be in the same place as he is? it’s been 10 years. you could be anywhere around the world. yet, he fishes for something out of his pocket; the same finger trap he linked you to him rests on the palm of his hand.

he sighs before entering the washroom and shoving it back into his pocket.

maybe he’ll hold out a little longer.

winter of 2014

out of all the seasons, changmin’s favorite is winter. snowflakes fall, filling the sky with stars that people can touch, and snow piles on sidewalks, letting him throw snowballs at his friends. despite the freezing temperatures, changmin prefers this over nearly-boiling ones.

he can’t wait to share this season with you.

yet, the familiar, chilly breeze of the season transforms into whispers, and word gets around like thrown snowballs. 

“is y/n really not going to school anymore?” changmin looks up from his desk to see cheng xiao standing in front of him. he tilts his head in confusion, causing her to roll her eyes. “are they not going here anymore?”

he frowns. “huh? what kind of rumor is that?”

“i don’t know. it’s what people have been saying,” she says as she crosses her arms. “i asked because i wanted to know if my competition’s gone, you know? and you’re the only one here who has an idea about their whereabouts.”

changmin laughs in disbelief. “no, i was with them last week.”

when changmin last saw you, you asked for space. with what’s been happening with your family, you needed time to process and cope with your issues, and he respected that. after all, he only knew a fraction of your relationship with your parents, and he didn’t want to intrude in anything you didn’t want him to be a part of. still, changmin reminded you that he’ll be there if you need him.

“damn, that sucks,” cheng xiao groans as her shoulders slump. “these stupid rumors.” as soon as she leaves changmin alone, he shakes his head.

the bell rings. students start rushing into classrooms and teachers scold those who aren’t on their seats. ms. jeon enters the room, walking to the desk in front and setting her things down. “cheng xiao, you’ll be in charge of attendance today.”

as changmin’s classmate gets off her seat, he can’t help but look at your desk that still remains empty.

“you have to message us when you land,” your mother says as she fixes the collar of your coat. despite your nod, she clicks her tongue. “answer me properly.”

“yes, i will.”

once your father finishes placing the last luggage in the trunk of the taxi, he stands beside your mother. “don’t forget why we’re sending you there. we expect you to do better with no distractions.”

your phone buzzes in your hand. as you look down, you see a message from changmin. as he asks about your whereabouts, the weight gets heavier—will you stand or crumble under it?

“who’s that?”

you stash your phone away as you look back at your parents. “nothing. it’s just an email from the school. they sent over the date for the orientation.” at the sight of their satisfied smile, you let out a small sigh of relief.

“well, go on.” your nod at your mother before getting in the car. with the windows still down, she adds, “don’t forget to get endorsement letters from the professors i sent over to you or else you won’t get to study abroad like we planned.” her choice of pronouns is funny; a plan that they crafted which never considered your input.

“okay.”

as your father commands the driver to go, your gaze remains on the two. it should be okay with you to leave cheongju; you’d be far away from your parents and experience an entirely different landscape to explore. it’s time you break away from the chains of this town. learn a life outside of what your parents forced you into.

yet, as the car takes its leave, the figure of your parents slowly shrinks. the distance from them should’ve given you the space to breathe, a relief you’ve longed for, but it only reminds you of your strained relationship. to them, it would be better that you’re out of their sight—and with your farewell, you never heard the three-word phrase.

the window rolls up. you try to hold back the tears, but the scenery of cheongju that you pass by births a storm within you. you didn’t want to say goodbye to home, regardless of how much you say you didn’t have a home in this town. every corner holds a piece of you in the same way you hold a piece of them.

the car approaches a safe haven you share. despite the snow that piles at the front, mr. kim’s convenience store is still open. you’ll never get to have his hotteok again or hear his favorite dramas play in the background. worst of all, you never got to say goodbye.

then, the familiar figure of your best friend exits the mart, and the storm transforms into a typhoon. the plastic bag he holds is filled with your favorite snacks, from the grape-flavored twin bar to a bottle of mr. kim’s homemade peach iced tea.

and in that moment that your car passes him, he pulls out his phone from his pocket, and you spot the familiar trap wrapped around his finger—the other end holds no one.

as quickly as you came into changmin’s life, he disappears from your view.

finger traps were fascinating. if you tug hard, the contraption won’t let your fingers go. yet, if you allow the two fingers to meet, allowing the toy to loosen, it’ll let you go with no harm.

but your finger trap with changmin was different. maybe it was already ripped to its seams.

interview

q: what made you decide on becoming an idol?

a: i’ve always loved dancing. growing up in cheongju, i always made time [for dance] whether it be [for] school competitions, talent shows, or even [choreographies] i wanted to try out. but i never considered becoming [an idol] until high school. a lot of my friends and family thought i was capable, and i’m glad they trusted me. it feels good to give back to them with every performance.

q: as the first trainee meant to debut in the boyz, you’ve spent more time training compared to your other members. what kept you going throughout your years of training?

a: my family’s support was one big thing that helped me [during my training.] every trip from my house to the company would last hours, and it drained me physically. so as the years went by, i started to question if all the time, money, [and] effort i was putting into an unpromised debut would be worth it, but my parents and sisters were always there to support and [take] care of me. but i’d also like to think my best friend was a major support in training years. i think they were the first one to [tell me that they saw me as an idol,] and at the time i brushed off the idea. but, look where i am now? so i think i owe a lot to them.

q: is there anything you’d like to say to those who’ve supported you as the boyz’s q?

a: mom and dad, thank you for believing in me. i know it wasn’t easy to wait until midnight for me to come home or take care of me whenever i got sick from training. thank you for always supporting me in every performance. to my sisters, thank you for helping mom and dad out at home. every day, i remind myself that you gave up so much just so i can pursue my dreams, and i want you know that i’m forever grateful for your sacrifices. to the rest of [the boyz], thank you for always allowing me to rely on you. i’m glad i can say i have brothers who i get to achieve my dreams with. deobi, thank you for your love and support over the years. i wouldn’t be the boyz’s q or ji changmin if it weren’t for you. and lastly, thank you to my best friend. i hope you’ll always be proud of me the same way i’ll forever be proud of you.

tag list: @deoboyznet @kflixnet @blankjournal @winterchimez @miusgirl @jenoscafe @sweet-unicorn-world @mosviqu @vernyangel @stealanity @deobi0412 @blue-rainydays @maessseongs @dearly-somber

[get-the-treasure]

school log #1

9-5-17

Happy last ‘first day of high school’ I’m finally a senior let’s fuck shit up.

Assembly: i came in and first went to hug taylor cause jahsbfjfaks i havent seen her all summer nd did i tear up? yeah kind of lmao i missed taylor sm what a gem. then i went by like. the squad (for memory reasons: ???? ppl on the side, jade, bean, yadi, eren, rye showed up, dalon showed up, sammy showed up, ashley showed up, might be missing someone?). eren gave me a bitching smoothie (bless ty) nd i think we all just talked like we normally would. its nice to just slip into normal conversation with people wou havent seen in what feels like forever.

Hour 3 (Homegroup): sat in hg for like 2 hours. we got some new freshman of whom i only can name 3 because i missed the others names. nd i also only kno one of the sophomores by name cause i forgot the others. maybe we should talk w maya sometime? ive seen her around a few times and she looks like shes mostly alone? we got our lockers too. sike some middle schoolers took our lockers and now we have to wait until tomorrow to figure out if we can get them b a c k. then i knocked over the smoothie eren gave me nd like a little came out but not much so um thanks god. we filled out this helping sheet thing that were going to be checked on every monday soooo better keep up on work i guess. also there was a lot of talk of grilled cheese up the ass???

Hour 1 (AP Bio): i turned in my poster board and we just went over the same rubric we went over when i signed up for the class smh. doesnt seem like itll be hard tho? sammy might have to drop it if she doesnt do her entire thing over and turn it in tomorrow and even then he might say no. so heres to hoping. also sabastion sat by our table nd honestly w h y do we have to have mutual friends i hate my life.

Hour 2 (ROPE): went over like oNLY the autobiography part of the rope packet tbh. also amy said we should know who our thesis paper advisors are but 1. i didnt even know what the thesis paper was and 2. the day ended and i still have no idea who my thesis advisor is weLL GUESS ILL SUFFER. im worried i wont have a good autobiography and that i wont be able to keep up with rope, but if i just dont goof around (lol) then it shouldnt be a  w  f  u  l. i notice a big student mood is being like ‘i want to die’ when school starts but christ its not rlly that bad? u get a normal ish sleep schedule, its easier to hang out w friends imo, and the work isnt even that hard you just have to pay attention and do it. it kind of bugs me honestly when school breathes and someones like THIS IS THE WORST THING ON EARTH FUCK SCHOOL FUCK ALL THE WORK THIS SUCKS cause its literally not that bad if you just idk. dont goof off all the time. sometimes u can goof off im sure everyone does sometimes. just. do ur work nd dont get so uppity about it. also idk if nyone will even read these but this isnt directed at anyone.

Hour 4 (English 12): our class is huge lmao. sammy and i got seats by jimmy, josselin, and ariel but i think eren wants us to get to class earlier tomorrow so we can sit together w yadi at the back of the room. but we get out of hg when peter lets us out soooo we cant rlly control when he lets us out.

Lunch: there was a lil spider where i sit so i kind of shooed him away so i could sit and i ended up cramping a lot. the worst part abt school imo is the chairs are just as hard as the floor and i have awful pelvis issues so my entire lower half starts to freeze and lock up and it hurts rlly bad getting up or shifting after sitting still for a while, so i fidget a lot and shift positions a lot so i can try and reduce the pain. nyways i played music nd sidney nd alexis sat down by us and theyre really quiet (whenever i would see them in the halls on the way to class and they had a free hour or it was lunch nd id see them they were always quiet then too) and sidney left her chapstick and i hope she remembered to grab it (i told her at the assembly at the end of the day because i forgot to grab it to give back to her). i cant rlly remember what else happened honestly??? thats of noting at least.

Hour 5 (Free): eren and i are probably going to sit in michelles room for this hour since she has chairs and 3 hours in a row on the floor is going to bust my ass so bad. eren started doing work but we ended up just talking and eating and listening to a vine comp.

Hour 6 (Free): sammy came down and we did basically the same as the previous hour but more talking and laughing. i cant remember what we talked about tho?? or nything else?? (edit: we tlaked about fucking and spanx)

Hour 7 (Government): eren sammy nd i had put our stuff down in michelles room early to save our spots (but i bet ill be the only one still at the table tomorrow because they have to go to the front) and then eren nd i left to go to the bathroom then fill sammys water bottle and by the time we came back in michelle was like ‘please arrive on time’ like 1 we were in here first nd 2 the bathroom was packed nd were supposed to go between classes i couldnt piss any faster thanks tho. we got the syllabus and an intro to the class/classroom and thank god jared isnt in this class fuckkkk. also we have to do debates like in front of the class?? no t h a nk you i hate it

Hour 8 (Advanced Drawing/Painting): we just sat around ny amy was like ‘heres what well do’ but ariel sammy nd i basically talked the entire time we all know how art works.

Assembly: a final assembly to wrap everything up with all grades together (since middle nd high had separate assemblies this morning) and i dont kno if we got any important information i think it was just things only 6th graders nd new students need to know cause we hear the same spiel every year. then i guess we all left??? 

After School: my dad picked me up and hell be picking us up every day from now on (unless like smthn comes up u kno its whatever). he didnt say anything on the ride home unlike when he and mom would both pick us up and theyd both ask a lot of questions. i thought he was angry and i ended up being right. he and my mom got into a bad argument she told me later on and now shes changing the locks so he doesnt have a key. its kind of upsetting how she said i should be civil with like whoever my parents may end up dating nd the entire family and whatnot but she (vise versa) cant even be civil with him or the rest of our family so??? nice example you set for your kids, parents. anyways my dad is also apparently switching up stuff he says like what hell pay and what theyll keep asset wise and how theyd cooperate for our sake and now hes changing what he said during court and all this mess and i feel like hes doing it to spite my mom but hes also spiting us in the process because we rely on our mom. ughhhhh this is stupid difficult to deal w id rather just not have to hear this stuff but moms always on the phone talking about anything and everything and were forced to hear. nyways lol

[fuzzytrashbird]

meow! meow! meow! meow!

i commissioned @drearyprince to write a song about my OC !!! 

they took every little idea i had and said “what if that but better” /hj 

but seriously i love everything about this!!!! wah!!!!! 

i wanna dive a bit into my own stupid thoughts for this and info about the OC so read below for that 

first of all omg i was such a FOOL with my ideas!!!!!! i knew i wanted a song about my new boy Marshall aka The Bride of Bone, but all my ideas led to a silly ending, were a bit too much, or were just BORING. 

initially, the end, where it says “Or so they say...” i wanted to be a joke thing that led into a lil gif of Marshall and Skelly (his skeleton friend) bouncing like hahaha u were led to believe this silly tale BUT MARCEL SENT ME A WIP OF THE SONG WHERE IT HAS THE CRYPTIC “Or so they say...” AND I WAS LIKE THROWING MY IDEA IN THE TRASH I LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT IT 

along with that, at first i was gonna try to work my butt off for an animatic kind of thing with various drawings that would’ve been fairly simple for me, but then i finished this 

which was just going to be like. a reference for the characters for me to go off of for the rest of the art and i was ready to make more, but again, when Marcel sent me the WIP i was like i know what i must do. 

so i made this background

then i put them together and my brain was like. this. is. IT. ITS PERFECT.  

so i hand Marcel the art to make the video under the impression they’d just use a still image and some fading in or out so they don’t have to work too much bc i was like dw about it you don’t gotta work ur ass off THEN THEY MADE THAT BEAUTIFUL VIDEO TOO?????????? bro im not ok this is so good, y’all im sobbing 

here’s a little bit about Marshall/The Bride Of Bone, if you’re interested. 

“’On full moon nights in summer, if you wander too far into the open field, you might find The Bride of Bone. Dancing in the falling snow with death itself, you are enticed to come closer until you vanish in the snow.’ In reality, this legend known by almost everyone in the surrounding area is nothing more than that. A legend. A legend started by an 8 year old at that. Marshall, also known as the main butler at the Williams family home, and as The Bride of Bone, is a bit eccentric. Upon showing off some of his powers to the only son of the Williams family, he unintentionally started a rumor in the boy's elementary school. As the rumor spread among the children trying to scare each other and the boy told him things spiraled, he decided to help the young master. Taking up going into the field with a fake skeleton he had painted to look real, he would dance a waltz under the summer's full moons. A dance of death, as they called it. Of course, no one has truly died from his snow, but sometimes legends get out of hand.“

Marshall is my newest OC, and, as mentioned, the main butler for the Williams family home. He is also... quite a bit more than human, though not many know that. He adores the only son of the Williams family, Sebastian, and one day while Sebastian was having a bad day, Marshall tried to cheer him up. Not only did he manage that, but he made Sebastian the talk of his elementary school for a few years, before the rumor got out of hand and became a legend as time passed. Now, Marshall carries out the legend on summer’s full moons simply because he finds himself enjoying the dance and has always enjoyed winter more than summer, so being able to make it snow is a plus. 

i have yet to decide on a lot about him, but i look forward to sharing anything i come up with in the future 

here’s a casual Marshall to end the post :3 

[bleadmaxille]

I’m Getting Suspicious of the New Character~

In case you want to get into the movie “Sonic the Hedgehog 2″ blind to some extent, I’ll put this ramble under a “Read More” since it includes a new clip from the movie!

Note: I am unsure of his name so I will keep referring to him as “the new character” for safety.

First off, when I saw that there would be another actor/character added into the human cast, I didn’t think too much of it- most of my brain thought they just needed someone to fill in the role of Rachel’s partner since she happens to get married in the movie.

.... but that small part of me thought 

“Actually wait, the Sonic Movie Team aren’t the type to ‘add things just because ‘why not’’ ” 

since I genuinely think the Sonic Cinematic Universe aka. SCU is quite meticulously made with careful planning and careful decisions, whether those details are explicit or blending into the background.

Thus, with that in mind, I decided to wait for more announcements/clips/trailers that could give more info, I couldn’t help but think there’s more to him than just “Rachel’s future husband.”

And then the official Sonic Movie Twitter account dropped new posters! They look neat! and side note: THEY GAVE DONUT LORD, PRETZEL LADY, AGENT STONE AND EVEN RACHEL THEIR OWN POSTERS?!?! RESPECT, SONIC MOVIE TEAM, YOU HAVE MY RESPECT just an fyi, I adore the human characters in the SCU so this made me happy!

and then I saw the new character get a poster of his own as well.

My first reaction was 

“Oh neat! They didn’t leave him out~! Although personally I would have liked a liiitle bit of a clip in some tv spot or trailer for `Crazy Carl or Wade Whipple or~”

and then I stopped myself. Because I started thinking 

“... WAIT, HE HAS A BIG ENOUGH ROLE TO HAVE A POSTER ALONGSIDE PEOPLE LIKE TOM AND MADDIE AND AGENT STONE?”

It FELT like a big deal to me (and it still does now!) because I originally thought he has a very minor role, similar to Crazy Carl, Wade Whipple, Rachel’s daughter Jojo (but don’t get me wrong, I am more than down for those minor characters to appear too). I believed so hard he was just needed to make the background more full- BUT NO NO NO, IM STARTING TO BELIEVE HE HAS A BIGGER PURPOSE CUZ THE SCU TEAM SEEM TO BE PRETTY PARTICULAR ABOUT DETAIL, NGL

But then that leads to the question

“If he DOES have a bigger role to fill, what IS that role?”

SO SO at this point, new character is officially in my sights due to my brain going hyperdrive over what he could add to the table. Unfortunately, his solo poster itself is not enough for me to get a feel of what his personality/motives could possibly be, so I decided to look out for more content

.... WHICH FORTUNATELY WASNT TOO LONG! Because as of the time I scrolled through the #sonic movie tag here on Tumblr (literally a bit before I started typing this ramble), I discovered that Donut Lord’s actor, aka. James Marsden, was interviewed and during said interview there was a revealed clip! I found it intriguing because I don’t think we got a Tom-centered or human-character centered clip from the movie that doesn’t include Robotnik or Agent Stone or even Sonic! Plus it ALSO happens to feature solely in the venue for Rachel’s wedding, which I think we only saw glimpses of in other and bigger trailers and teasers.

So in the clip, it takes place in (what I’m almost completely sure is) the venue for Rachel’s wedding. It starts off with the new character talking with Tom and telling Tom that “seriously bro, you got some work to do” with Rachel, meaning he is aware of Rachel’s distaste of Tom. And then Rachel and Maddie stand up and join their lovers’ sides, with Rachel telling Tom she is GLAD he is with them for the wedding (cough cough LIAR cough) and that she OFFERS TO “Bury the hatchet” with Tom, aka. become more friendly with each other (cough cough SOUNDS LIKE A LIE). Buuut then cue Rachel “hugging” Tom and then whispering to his ear that if he ruins her ending she “will end him.” AND TOM IS VISIBLY NOT OK WITH THAT.

What I wanna to mention here from this clip is that, while its solely based on my own judgment, the new character feels .... sketchy to me. I’m not entirely sure yet, to be honest, but he just feels ... off.

As in, “this guy’s gotta have some bigger role or hidden motives” type of off.

I could definitely be overthinking this, but my brain thinks he’s sounding “salty” or “tense” while talking to Tom, like he has something against him.

Admittedly, I don’t really have much to go off on XD so this ramble is simply me ranting over what is nothing but speculation at the moment.

So yes, I will have to wait and watch the movie to make any more judgements since we technically already got the “final” trailer for it (understandably because it is VERY near to the movie’s theatrical release.)

At the meantime, what do YOU guys think about him and what are your predictions? Will he just be a minor character filling in the background or have a bigger role to play? Maybe even offer a shock/surprise element? 

(Maybe even .... have a secret motive related to a notable group of people, like, lets say, G.U.N.?!)

BUT AGAIN, just speculation HAHAHAH alright take care and thanks for reading! IM SO EXCITED FOR THE MOVIE~

[thesnakeoutsider]

We made a HUGE project. I mean we even make a f dam short movie about this. This is the level of inspiration that Glitch gives to us. We started in November… the time really fly’s . And all the artist that come to this with us are amazing, but I need to said that this project would exist without two of them.

Liz helped me sooo much with ideas, corrections and company this months.

@rainidot helped my with toons of art when I was drowning in the “we don’t have ghost art!” Crisis.

Both of them watch me cry and go dead for a lot of irl reasons and stayed. Plus they keep me going in the brain riot. Screaming and plotting with me, enjoining the story that brings us together.

Im really grateful to have them in my life now. Is kinda a funny story cuz I maybe pick up Liz and the ‘tsim took us form 0 to 100 but… Rain come to my life kicking the door down when I wasn’t expecting anyone to be there. And talk to me like if she was there since the beginning of the times.

We are soo different but still we find each other thanks to @scientificallywrongsoap and here we are. And I believe that we still have a lot of time together in the future.

And I hope that we can still make projects like this. Or even bigger now that they know my other friends and we prove that create together is always the best way to do it.

Now I’m gonna leave here. My fav “files” of The Glitch Project.

This one is the Subject 7-1 page. I have soo much ideas for him cuz he is one of my favs, and hunting his info was fun. I rewatched all his playlist again. We cross reference stuff and drawing the little notes in the notebook was my fav part. I have a soft spot for diaries and drawings in them. Plus the blood effect? Proud of myself for that.

My second fav is the page for “The Glitch” I know that he was at first like Subject 7-1 says “a copy of a copy” and OC of Sunny Day Jack, but I believe that his existence is one of the reasons that I fall even more for Glitch’s stories. I watched a reflection of a lot of my creative process. And a he throw a hard rock to my head with a few stuff that I will not share.

But there’s a video where he materialize with Jack the circle of creation. And finally I could put a representation to the feel that I have in the inside for a long time.

And I wanted that to be part of his file. So I created this. The figure in the center is … the transcript of the videos where he comes to the stage and starts to shine.

The little art with the flowers is the one I did when he become Biblical Accurate König, I remember that I wanted to give him something to remember. And the forget me no are the best flowers for that, those flowers are actually present in a lot of my art. And the sketches in the notebook are my actual sketches! Except for the sun stiker that one is from Darling Doe. Really one of my favs.

And last but not least, The Smith and Zed pages, cuz the hell I remember how to use green runes! And I’m just in love of those two I mean i always belive that my first fic form the Glitchverse will be about Swagger -cuz I’m swagger coded- or Subject 7-1 but no it was them. The Smith and Zed, the monster I will become when I have time to write more about those too.

And that’s it. Bye

Do you know that feeling when you see a project start, you participate in its development, you get to know and spend time with people, you have fun and a little bit of stress working on it and once it's done you feel kinda weird.

You're happy, because of the good memories, because of the people you worked with, because "It's complete! Hurray!".

And yet... You're kinda sad, because it's finally over. It's done. You're done.

But still, you're happy. Because you know there's always something new that might come along.

[flokali]

as a person who doesnt care much for ei [tho i havent done her story quest yet !! so im not working w all the info] from the archon quest my main impression of her was her cowardice, so tbh hearing ur takes on her is super interesting !! and its lowkey making me like her more lol -💉

(Here’s the link to the OG ask btw)

Syringe my beloved! Ah, yes, my Ei is the best character agenda is spreading well I see >_< I definitely recommend her second story quest because it was just… chefs kiss! Amazing! Under the cut because it got long, again…

Like, I cannot talk enough about how amazing she is to me as a character! She’s so complex and seeing her evolve from the Archon Quest to her second Story Quest was so fun and I’m really hoping we see more of Ei and her development in the future even as we advance towards other nations. I’d dare to say I enjoy her over Zhongli and Venti for the sole reason there’s so much development, like, don’t get me wrong - I love both of them but Ei is just so special to me; I loved her first SQ but the second one definitely put things into perspective.

Personally, her first story quest was just so sad, imagine working your whole life towards a goal and being so caught up on the end result you never get to experience life and the less, how can I say… other fruit of labor? A lot of time when we work towards one goal we can unknowingly allow for other opportunities and experiences to flourish alongside.

I think she’s a really relatable character in the sense we often times end up too caught up within ourselves and our own whims to appreciate what’s around us, especially when we think of an idealized past, you know? A lot of Ei’s character lies in the romanticization of the past, which is what lead to a lot of her poor decision making - which is awfully human if you think about it.

In many ways, she was definitely a coward - a lot of her ignorance felt purposeful, like she herself was setting herself up to not know what was going on outside in fear of being hurt again, if you think about it; she was quite literally in her own mind in a constant state of meditation, to me it read as a coping method to try and ignore the world around her, much like one can daydream during hard situations to try and form an escape (this is more in reference to when you do so purposefully and knowingly). But there was also a lot of strength in her decision to face Inazuma, she could have perfectly allowed herself to turn the traveler down and go back to her old ways, but instead she opted to try out the mundanity of life and see how things have evolved - albeit for the better or for worse.

I won’t say much about her second SQ but it definitely helps shape her in a more cohesive way!

[literaticat]

I'm an editor in need of an agent opinion pls! Im new to acquiring - 1.5 years. After rejecting once, most agents never talk to me again, not even to say thx for feedback. My 9 sales are on 1st subs from that person or repeats. I respond within a week if its a clear no and <1 month if its a maybe and I illustrate why it wasnt a fit each time. I realize it may be *what* Im saying/how- but is responding quick/giving 2-3 paragraphs feedback a fauxpas? Is there some etiquette agents expect?

You sound like a ding-danged UNICORN, hon! A WEEK for a no is great, and feedback on a maybe is wonderful. THANK YOU, from all agents, and I'm very sorry if they aren't saying it themselves.

For the declines, like if you want the agent to send you more (but different) things, you can keep the conversation going -- So something like, "This isn't a fit for me, I'm not taking on Picture Book biographies because my colleague so-and-so does so many of those, BUT, I'd love to see XYZ if you happen to have anything like that! I'm attaching my most updated wishlist for your reference and I'd love to set up a call!" This might not always work (sometimes we see "no" and just file it away under "no") -- but at least you should make some more Agent Buddies that way.

As for feedback - I'm NOT SAYING that you do this!!! But I have had the experience a few times where editors -- particularly brilliant young editors in their first couple of years of acquiring -- give feedback with like... Too Much Info, in a way that can be very off-putting.**

For example: I send a MG contemporary. Editor spends two paragraphs in response telling me why it will never sell. "This feels didactic, the characters are flat, nothing happens, I'm not sure why this book was written, it is doing nothing new, it does not distinguish itself and won't sell in this market."

Um... wow. I didn't ask, and yes it will? The problem here is two-fold - the editor is leading with their ego, acting like their opinions are facts. Additionally, they are insulting not just my author and their writing, but also ME and my taste. Not inspiring!

A better way to approach this is to be positive, say something kind, and make the reason for the decline clearly a YOU thing, rather than a "this sucks" thing. Like, "There's a great voice here and I get why you are so fond of this. I did love the premise, but for me the execution felt a little muddled. I found myself getting confused and distracted in the middle there. Ultimately, when I'm on the fence I've realized that I just have to say no, so I'm afraid it has to be a pass, but thanks so much for sending, can't wait to connect with you on something in the future, etc. etc" . . . [Again, I'm not saying that's your problem - but MAYBE that's a BIT of your problem?]

Basically, if you know it is going to be a no regardless, I don't think you need to feel pressure to give a ton of feedback about all the things that are "wrong" with it. At the end of the day, it just wasn't a fit for you, so save yourself the trouble. BUT, if you think that your feedback could potentially legit take this from a "maybe" to a "YES" -- then ask if they want to potentially do an R&R, and THEN spend the time giving them all your wonderful thoughts.

I have no idea if that's helpful but anyway. (Reveal yourself to me in email and I promise I'll write back! :D )

** (And yes, the brilliant young editors generally DO grow out of this and get better 'bedside manner', I think when they are around a bit longer and realize that sometimes they are just WRONG. Like, OK, you turned down this manuscript and said it would never sell and it ended up getting a bunch of starred reviews and awards and now the author is famous.... um.... LOL.)

[runolllo-fanboygirl]

annoying revali anon again... im sorry but I want to ask more, your post about link's age was really thoughtful, even though most of the info is in the game I didn't think about it and I never saw other people talk about it (even if so many people are always aking guesses about link's age!) so I want to ask, do you know Revali and Sidon's age too... please and thanks...

Ok, Sidon is easy but Revali is a tough one! And I don’t have the time to source properly. I’ve actually been writing a post about the ages of all the relevant BOTW characters (that’s why I had this info at hand for that other Link post too!) but adding quotes, screenshots, etc. takes a lot of time.

So here is a very informal answer until I manage to compile everything:

- Adult Sidon is, canonically, older than 100 (obviously XD) but younger than 130, I estimate around 110ish since we know he’s much younger than Rivan (who’s over 130). Sidon is also canonically considered more on the “young adult Zora” side than on the “middle aged Zora” side (for comparison, Bazz and Gaddison are confirmed middle aged). Zora a bit younger than 100 are more or less already considered adults or late teens (like Dunma) so Sidon might had been an adult for a while. I hope this made sense lol.

Regarding the current twitter drama: Zora mature in a very different way, much slower in general, and not necessarily perfectly proportionally slower than the other races. You can’t equate Zora age to Hylians, don’t ask “would that make Sidon around 23 in human age” that makes no sense... he’s a +100 young adult by Zora standards because he’s a Zora.

- Revali’s most likely just barely an adult, and somewhere around the same age as Link (17-19). For reference, this is everything I had to say about Link’s age / LINK /. Anyway back to Ravioli Pasta Boy, we can only make a good guess about him being around that awkward age between teen and adult. I’ll try to explain as short as possible:

- I’ll start saying that, unlike the case of the Zora, Rito age and life expectancy are the same as for Hylians. We can infer this from Revali’s own dialogue in the Champion’s Ballad, as well as from Creating a Champion. The book also tells us that Kass is considerably older than Teba, but we have nothing to compare them to Revali, that I have found. While the Zora talk a lot about their age (since it’s relevant to Link’s past and his old bonds with them) we have no numbers to compare for the Rito, sorry. STILL, go on and read:

- Revali uses “boku” to refer to himself in Japanese. It would be very awkward for anyone other than a male child/teen to use “boku”. An adult man would use boku in some settings, not in the way Revali does in my opinion (I explain why on this other post) but some people disagree... so I won’t say this is conclusive evidence on it’s own BUT I can stack this hint with the next few ones:

- Urbosa's Diary: “Revali is of the youngest Rito generation” (the diary has different wording in the different localizations but ultimately says that).

- Urbosa’s diary putting Zelda, Link, Revali and Mipha in the same age group (yes, Mipha too, don’t ask me I didn’t write this game lol)

- Revali’s considerably shorter than the other Rito adults (and I’m not even talking about Teba who is actually taller than the other Rito men).

- Other more speculative hints: 

- Revali still has the same face markings as the Rito children. It might be just a design choice but why not mention it. A lot of the stuff in this game is very deliberate, so yeah.

- Revali’s emotional immaturity; 

- The fact that he was designed to be Link’s rival (stated in Creating a Champion); 

- The fact he didn’t have any descendancy, unlike Urbosa or Daruk, even though he loves his homeland and his people so much, he gets along with children, and all he ever wanted was to see the Rito thrive. One would think, he didn’t have the time to have a family :(

- The age gap between Revali and Teba matching the trend of the other co-pilots in which one is an older adult (Urbosa, Daruk, Teba and Sidon) and the other a youngster (Riju, Yunobo, Revali and Mipha). Creating a Champion says Yunobo is “a young adult Goron still growing” and I think all of us can see how that’s very possibly the same case with Link, Revali and Mipha.

- Creating a Champion also highlights how adult/big/confident Teba is that he isn’t bothered at all by criticism, being mostly aware of his own shortcomings, feeling no shame and just working hard. A big contrast with Revali, who while being just as hard working, is a bit of a bratty kid and an overachiever who hates being caught in what he considers “a moment of weakness” (a moment of shame). So, again, deliberate decisions while designing the characters.

I might be missing something big but that’s all for now! I’m confident most of the facts are correct (please notice that I mentioned when I make estimations and when I speculate, versus when I’m giving actual canon data and quoting!). Again, I haven’t put together all my sources yet, the quotes are from memory an paraphrased, double-check before quoting me on this ;D

Also! Do what you want with this info, make your own conclusions. Link and Sidon’s age frames are a bit more restrictive and Zelda literally turned 17 the day of the Calamity (I think the only character with her age set in stone lol), but otherwise the game and book would be like “eh, Riju was designed to look around 12 but Gerudo mature faster... Paya was designed to be around Link’s age, between 18-20... Purah is, uh, 120, kinda......... Link found the Master Sword when he was 12 or 13, maybe........¿¿?...?” like, what do you mean, does Link not fcking remember if he got the sword when he was 12 or 15 lmao!!!! Assholes!!! XD  

So like, yeah ahahahha. You think Revali is 17? The game says Sure Why Not. You say Revali’s 24 and a short king? Perfectly possible too honestly. We stan short King Revali, wow much sass in such smol birb. Big bow go brrrr

Last thing about Teba and Revali because I wanted the Age of Calamity SPOILERSSS at the end: 

 - In Age of Calamity *SPOILERSSS*  Teba’s dad instincts kick in on a couple of occasions... there are many battle combos I haven’t seen yet, but at least once Teba goes to Revali to give some emotional support (in the battle before the last, I think); in another occasion to help him speak his true feelings (as in literally voicing them in Revali’s stead because Teba is that blunt and Revali is... you know, like he is.) As it happens between the other co-pilots, the older one often reassures the younger one (Mipha and Sidon still have an older sister/younger brother dynamic even if Sidon came from the future and is now literally older than her lol so the rule still applies! XD). So again, I feel like the age difference between Teba and Revali is noticeable, even though Teba is still a young dad himself... but I honestly feel that if someone wanted to say both Revali and Teba are like, 25, no one could tell them that the canon says otherwise XD