#katya is making fun of me

[dear-ao3]

okay allow for me to set the scene

i am in a french revolution history class. the professor is likely immortal. that is not important.

it is may 9th. finals loom in the near future and i am desperately trying to find something to write my mini essay on for my last history class tomorrow. this is proving difficult on account of the fact that the book is essentially talking in very intense detail about robespierres downfall but written in twilight esque fanfic diction.

back in literally February we were all subjected to a different monstrosity of a book by francois furet that was basically indecipherable dense academic rhetoric about everything wrong with how people were viewing the french revolution with they key point being Dont Make Too Much Of Robespierre and the entire class Collectively Hates this text on account of the ridiculously indecipherable nature of the wording (and its also a translation which doesnt help). literally you read one paragraph ten times and finally understand it (maybe) and then you go to the next one and youre at square -5.

literally every single book we read this semester was somehow related to this furet argument and now it is May and we have all Had It with furet. and also we all hate his argument on principle of how horrible it is to understand.

and here i am trying to write my paper on the Robespierre twilight fanfic and have come to the sudden and abrut conclusion that furet was right the whole damn time. no one should make too much of furet because he didnt cause his own downfall the people having no idea what the hell was happening did. and now i am deeply upset. how dare francois furet be right.

my history professor is going to get an absolute earful from me tomorrow.

[vanwizard]

okay i will admit i enjoyed these three in the like. one scene they were actually all on screen together.

sofia voice shut up and get the fuck out goncharov, i’m gonna fuck your wife now.

[madrewrites]

what in the otherworldly fuck happened y'all

[crispyliza]

Katya Goncharova pride flag icons, use freely

[deva-arts]

summer is hitting me something fierce and I want to do a beach episode because of it :( do you have any idea how much I love beach episodes :((((

[end-orfino]

I saw the tumblr sexymen descendants thing going around and I saw that like 2 people made a kid for Habit but. Well. Couldn't really help myself

She has that goofy shadow form too. Creeps around the school like this sometimes (if we're to assume that it's a boarding school. Or that she broke in to care for her plants on a free day)

[get-more-bald]

the fuck do you mean I have to leave....

[annieisyourfavourite]

"And what about the blood on my hands, Andrey? What am I supposed to do with that?

My Bestie Katya Did Nothing Wrong Except For The Murders

(Image has alt text)

[majimemegoro]

@unhingedselfships mentioned feeling intimidated that @skygayzer is following so now im just thinking about KadokuraPrime (version of kadokura who is somehow simultaneously A Crow’s Rise Kadokura and Kimiverse 2.0 Kadokura) stuck in a room with BOTH his victim/adopted daughter and his [?????? relationship undetermined] and all of them having to. deal with that scenario.

[icesiscouture]

Trixie and Katya Live tonight was the best experience of my life. Truly. The M&G was perfect. The show was perfect. Katya running over and grabbing my hands at the end of curtain call was perfect. I’m never outdoing this show.

[invaderlynx]

Not me almost sobbing when Katya made her choice between Goncharov and Sofia. Everything led so beautifully up to that moment. I’m not usually a fan of love triangles in a movie, especially when one is just kind of subtext, but this movie blew me away (just like Andrei, lmao, sorry). Everything was primed like a Rube Goldberg machine and that was the trigger. Everything else spiraled from there and it was as inevitable as it was tragic and senseless. And the final scene of the movie where it just slowly zooms in on Andrei’s pocket watch slowing to a halt with the one crack down its face? That’s cinema baby!

[myname-isnia]

My friend and I had history club today so my friend’s little sister stayed with the after school program until we were done, and before we started my friend was trying to get her to settle down and eat her lunch which eventually evolved into her just saying her name over and over again so she’d look up from the minecraft video she was watching like:

“Kitty. Kit. Katie. Katyusha. Katya”

And Katya kept ignoring her so eventually my friend got annoyed and pulled out the

“YEKATERINA DMITRIEVNA”

It worked. In fact so well that even I was ready to go eat those soggy noodles despite my name and patronymic being nothing close to Yekaterina Dmitrievna

[bearberrythief]

No one remembers the 2004 anime adaptation of Goncharov and it makes me sad. We should really talk about it more! Some people don't like that they changed the aesthetics to be more in line with 90s fashion, which I get, but it resulted in some really fun interpretations of Katya's iconic outfits

[dear-ao3]

hey dear-ao3 nation heres a psa from urs truly:

if you see someone with a cane, if you ask them about why they have a cane, they reserve the right to hit you full force with said cane.

if you mock someone with a cane for having a cane, personally i think u should just end ur shit, but also the person with the cane reserves the right to hurt you in ways unimaginable.

for example:

anyway shout out to my ex for making fun of me for using a cane and being a general dick about it! hope hes excited for all his friends to know hes a douche whos a) bad at sex, b) kinda transphobic, c) ableist, and d) getting his ass roasted publically in the public gym at our school for using the gym stuff terribly, and e) reminding him that the more times he claims to be over me, the clearer it is hes not over me and that it was not mutual. also: i guess f) he lost friends bc of how awful he was to me so baller ig. eat ur heart out ************

anyway if you are a cane-user, ur filled with swag and if you want to, do anything u want to humilate people who refuse to accept that using a mobility aid is swaggy as fuck and that you basically have a weapon on u at all times. if you need to remind them of the latter fact, do as you must. i dont condone it, for legal reasons, but. do as you must!

hugs and kisses,

katya

[katyaromanoffpetrova]

Spicy cake

Katya finds a new way to communicate her needs.

• Natasha Romanoff x Fem!OC • Wordcount: 1.4k • Warnings: suggestive talk (this is a given at this point) Do not repost my work as your own or translate my work!! Masterlist

A/N: I owe this whole idea to @nataliasquote <3 ty girl

2028

Listen, Katya in the kitchen wasn't anything new. She cooked dinner three days of the week, and sometimes she liked to bake simple cakes or cookies, the ones from those boxes.

But she'd been in the kitchen, mixing and rummaging, for the past two hours, and Natasha was starting to get confused. No cake or cookie would take that long to make. Not even including prep and baking time.

On top of that, an unfamiliar smell filled up the house. It was cake, but a special kind of cake. Flavored? It had a hint of strawberries.

Now, it could be that Natasha's senses were still confused from the cake tasting they'd done just this morning. Four hours of trying different flavors and textures of cake to decide which one they should serve their wedding guests. Her tongue was still confused. 

Initially, she simply wanted to pick a flavor from the menu and tell the bakery to go with it, but Katya had pouted like a little kid who was robbed of going to the candy store. So they went cake tasting. Whatever makes the wife happiest.

Would Clint and Tony make fun of her for agreeing to go with Katya's choice and have a white chocolate cake with raspberry cream? Probably. It screamed, "my wife picked this and I went along with it because I'm a simp for her, and I couldn't care less about the flavor of the cake, and white chocolate is way too sweet for my taste". But Katya left the bakery with the biggest smile on her face, and that's all that mattered.

Blinking the sleep from her mid-day nap from her eyes, Natasha wandered down the stairs, curiously creeping up to the kitchen. The smell was even stronger here, seducing her into following her nose towards the source. She couldn't deny it, it smelled great, her mouth watering despite the abundance of cake currently being processed in her stomach.

"What are you—" 

A towel flew through the kitchen. One second, Natasha saw everything, the next, her vision was black. The smell of wet cotton filled her nose, filtering the one of freshly baked cake, much to her disappointment. Katya had thrown the towel with such precision and skill that it covered her face and stayed there, like a makeshift ghost costume.

"Don't look! It's a surprise."

Natasha felt like a complete idiot, standing there in the door opening with that thing on her head, but she didn't fight it. "What are you doing in there?"

"Making a cake for you."

Even blind, she knew what expression her wife was making based on the tone of her voice. Giddy, adorable excitement, the most endearing, bright smile on her face.

Natasha furrowed her brows, her heart swelling. "For me?" It wasn't her birthday, and she didn't accomplish anything exciting lately.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Just because." Katya beamed. There was some clattering, a few silent footsteps on the ground. Natasha sensed her body as it moved around the space.

"How can you even still think about cake after this morning?" She teased lightly.

It was meant to be a joke, one Katya would respond to with something witty or sarcastic, but Natasha's question was met with a pause that was a bit too long instead. Slowly, the smile faded from her lips.

"Should I have made something else?" Katya asked softly.

"No!" Natasha exclaimed in a hurry. She nearly tore the towel off her head to show Katya exactly how soft and grateful her eyes were. Even if she was literally puking from eating too much cake earlier, she'd still thank her wife for being so sweet. "No, baby, I love it." 

"Okay." The enthusiasm returned to Katya's voice, to Natasha's great relief. "Give me ten more minutes and I'll be done. Then I'll show you what I've been working on."

"Okay." 

Doing a 180-degree turn in her spot, Natasha pulled the towel from her head. Oxygen-rich air filled her lungs as she walked to the living room, plopping on the couch with her phone. She had to fight off a thoughtful frown as she scrolled away and liked some posts on her Katya fan account.

Something in her gut told her that she should be suspicious. Katya baking a cake wasn't weird, but Katya baking a cake after the cake tasting this morning was weird, and Katya hiding said cake was even weirder. Usually, she was happy to indulge her family in their curiosity. 

Natasha was knee-deep into another Katya fan account, and just about to zoom in on a bikini picture of her, when Katya's voice rang out.

"You can come back!" 

Cautiously, she locked her phone and returned to the kitchen. Katya shielded her masterpiece with her body, a huge grin on her face as she waited for Natasha to be ready. Ready for something mysteriously. Her enthusiasm would be more endearing if Natasha was less suspicious.

"Tada!"

The cake revealed itself when Katya stepped aside. Natasha narrowed her eyes at it, taking a few steps closer to see it better. 

Heart-shaped, it was at least ten inches tall and covered in pink buttercream. No fancy decorations, no other colors. Just a pink heart. Simple, classic, sleek

Oh, and two words on top.

'BANG ME'

Natasha just managed to keep her face straight, but it caught her off guard so badly she nearly choked on her own spit. Her heart skipped a few beats as she composed herself, putting on a nonchalant demeanor. 

"Okay."

Surprised, Katya perked up. "Okay?"

"Okay. I'll bang you," Natasha said casually, shrugging her shoulders.

Katya's cheeks turned a light shade of pink, her previous confidence faltering because of her wife's casual use of vulgar talk. "Nat."

"Is it not what you wanted?" Natasha asked, slowly backing the brunette up against the counter. "It's a very clear suggestion. Very on the nose."

"You want me on your nose?" Katya feigned stupidity.

"I-" Natasha closed her mouth and shook her head with disappointment, much to Katya's amusement. The woman's blue eyes sparkled with mischief, a sly smile exposing her teeth. It was hard not to roll her eyes at it. "I love your writing," she commented, looking at the cake over Katya's shoulder. It was the worst example of capital block letters ever. Any six-year-old could do it better on paper.

Katya frowned in offense. "Don't shame my writing. It was my first time using a smaller piping bag."

"I can see that."

The frown deepened. "It was between, 'Bang me', and, 'I love your tits'. I went with this one."

"Amazing choice, baby," Natasha said dryly, running her hands from Katya's hips up to her waist, sliding them under her shirt. "I'm honored that you felt a need to declare your love for my boobs on a cake."

"Maybe I can do that next time." Katya abruptly perked up. "Oh! I can make the cake in the shape of actual boobs!" She was so excited about that prospect that she looked ready to make that cake right now.

Natasha chuckled lowly, giving her waist a playful squeeze. "How about you work on some actual, actual boobs right now?"

Katya froze. Her gaze flickered to Natasha's boobs and lingered there, a shimmer of lust mixing into her enthusiasm. "Actually?"

"Actually."

The prospect made her mouth water, yet her joy faltered a bit as she looked back up at Natasha's face. "What about my cake?"

The redhead smirked, pressing Katya further into the kitchen island with her hips. "Oh, I'll eat your cake."

Bonus:

Brooklyn perked up as she followed Maya into the house, kicking her shoes off by the door. "It smells so good in here!"

"My mom must have baked something." Maya smiled, always happy to try one of Katya's masterpieces. Stress-baking has made a good baker out of her.

Without waiting for her girlfriend, Brooklyn hurried into the kitchen, following the aroma that drifted into her nose. She spotted it instantly. "A cake!" 

"What ki—" The girls stopped in their tracks, side by side as they read the words once, then twice, then another time to make sure they said what they said. 

Slowly, Maya's face turned red. And even Brooklyn, who usually didn't get flustered easily, started to pale. They were both familiar with the Russians' shenanigans, but they hadn't stumbled upon something so embarrassing yet.

"We're never talking about this again," Maya muttered, dragging her girlfriend out of there.

[smallnico]

can you tell esper is uhhhhh. ill?

got tagged by @beecreeper for the character insp meme! (check out his here!!) this was a lot of fun, there are a couple of honourable mentions i'll get into under the cut, along with some elaborations for the curious.

list of names, L > R 1: harrowhark nonagesimus -- the locked tomb saga 2: isaac -- castlevania (netflix series) 3: cole -- dragon age: inquisition 4: blackbeard -- our flag means death 5: (bingo free space) 6: seven of nine -- star trek: voyager 7: katya zamolodchikova -- real life / unnnhhhh 8: paul muad-dib atreides -- dune 9: maomao -- the apothecary diaries

1: harrowhark nonagesimus -- the locked tomb saga

if you've read the locked tomb, this one's pretty self-explanatory. but i took a lot of inspiration from harrow's grief-sodden religious zealotry for esper's pre-tadpole self, and i think about harrow the ninth every time i write from esper's perspective during the events of the game. it's the amnesiac goblin madness for me. esper would also absolutely put their bone marrow into a soup to kill someone if that was something they could do. they're extra like that

2: isaac -- castlevania (netflix series)

i just fucking love isaac, man. he's such a fascinating character, taken from a place of pain and degradation into the service of a mad god-figure hellbent on destroying humanity, then banished and forced to just. figure out for himself what he wants to do with his life. and it turns out that what he wants to do is relate to the hellbeasts he raises to use as soldiers, and let them try to eat strawberries and live in houses for a change, take a chance at living as something other than vessels of violence. i love him. that's really all esper wants, too -- to find a peaceful existence after a lifetime of pain and brutality and monsterhood.

3: cole -- dragon age: inquisition

cole is such a vibe. he lives in the attic staring unsettlingly at people and reading their minds and exhuming their pain so he can help them with it, including with his knives. he has that unearthly creepy vibe that esper projects, as well as their tendency to poke around in people's private emotions and their slight uncanny distance from human morality and ethics. making cole more human also ends up around the same for esper -- cole is never quite all the way there, but happy to be truly Among the people whose souls he reads and finally able to experience those things for himself.

4: blackbeard -- our flag means death

apart from the leather and queerness and propensity for violence, blackbeard was also a big influence for esper's journey from "yeah, this violence thing is fun for me, besides it's not like i can Leave this life, i'm stuck here so i might as well enjoy it" to "actually even though it's fun it's also exhausting and all i really want is peace. maybe even a monster like me can love and find a community that loves me."

6: seven of nine -- star trek: voyager

god, where to start? "i was a child who was raised to be perfect, my humanity and individuality were completely overridden and my very body was used as an object for unimaginable violence, and now even though i don't know how to be a Person anymore, i'm cut off from everything i've ever known and i don't know what to do." and now, like seven, esper is just trying their best to build a personality out of the leftover scraps they have with the help of their crew of misfits and weirdos. also, perpetrator trauma -- like seven, esper doesn't feel Guilty about their past actions, but it does haunt them, and they don't really know what to do with it. also, i didn't mean for the two images of esper and seven here to make them look exactly the same, but hey.

7: katya zamolodchikova -- real life / unnnhhhh

this one's more of a bit. i watch unnnhhhh with my wife a lot, and every now and again katya will just say something that makes us both go "that's esper-coded". she has that slightly imperfect balance of genuine darkness and unhinged silliness that esper also teeter-totters between, which results in a specific kind of charisma that you kind of have to see to understand.

8: paul muad-dib atreides -- dune

esper's pre-durge and pre-tadpole backstory draws a fair bit of inspiration from paul's narrative arc lmao. he starts out life as a male heir to a bloodline of female psychic specialists, trains with them, and ends up sacrificing his humanity to fulfil a violent divine path pre-ordained for him. real evil messiah hours. esper has way fewer qualms about killing from the start, and the match isn't perfect, but this is an inspiration, not a stencil.

9: maomao -- the apothecary diaries

another weird one, but probably the most purposeful inspiration on the board here. when i was first playing as esper and trying to sort out their personality, i was also watching apothecary diaries, and maomao's feline predilections and sense of mischief and flawless composure and cunning without ambition had me completely enraptured, so i thought, what the hell. she also shares some backstory elements with esper as the [spoilers] bastard daughter of a disgraced but extremely talented courtesan and a creepy war tactician. like esper, maomao just wants to keep her head down and make enough money to fund her special interests. they also both drink poison for fun (at least, esper does pre-tadpole). i think the main thing they diverge on is that esper thinks poison is for basic bitches.

honourable mentions

jimmy "pickles" hoffa -- jimmyhoffathecat

just look at him. that's an esper. photo credit here

tilly -- my parents' house

pretty self-explanatory for any cat owners out there. esper acts like a cat in general, but they specifically act like this cat. she's so influential and talented and perfect.

towa "murase" -- slow damage

this one is an honourable mention instead of being on the board because i didn't meet towa slowdamage until like 3 weeks ago (well after esper was already realized), but the two of them have so many specific things in common it's actually ridiculous. convergent evolution at its finest.

fenris -- dragon age 2

esper and fenris have very little in common story- or personality-wise, but i can't deny that he was a huge visual influence, especially for pre-tadpole esper. i mean, come on. look at him.

yelena belova -- black widow, hawkeye

i'm not much of an mcu person, but the concept of the black widows in general did influence a lot of esper's pre-durge backstory, and i like yelena. she's like a more charismatic and more down-for-murder natasha. she's not a specific inspiration for esper as a character, but they do have a rhyming vibe.

selcis aureus, umbras heltor -- exodusbound

hello, it's fantrolls! i disqualified selcis and umbras from the inspboard because they're literally other ocs i had a hand in creating, and a lot of the things they have in common with esper aren't public, but they both did (and exodusbound did in general) have a lot of influence on esper as a character. i can't help that i like themes of alienation and life persevering in spite of it all in my characters. art shown here by my wife barbelzoa!

espurr -- pokemon

literally a pokemon, not a character. special place in my heart though because i literally named esper after this thang when i first made them in the character creator. they just had the same dead eyed stare and psychic magic, so i went, yeah, that'll do.

thank you so much for reading this much if you did!!!!!