#kevin will eventually give it a try and LOVE IT fucking nerd will play a wizard

[disastersappho]

okay but imagine the foxes playing dnd…

- nicky: the DM! his improv practice makes him excellent at thinking on his feet and he makes his NPCs flirt with everyone.

- neil: plays an arcane trickster rogue, loves the strategy and optimizing shit. took a level of bard though so he can cast vicious mockery and trash talk the bad guys.

- matt: plays an oath of devotion paladin, was new to playing and thought that he wouldn’t really care abt the acting stuff but actually gets really into role play- he cried when one of their NPC friends died. when an NPC flirts with him for the first time he gets so tongue tied and flustered and dan teases him about it for days

- renee: circle of stars druid or sorcerer idk some spellcaster for sure. doodles character art for everyone’s PCs during the sessions and takes really good notes. she played a little in high school and was the one who persuaded nicky to start their group up!

- dan: ranger!! she and neil WILL debate combat strategy and placement until nicky tells her that she HAS to take a turn it has been 15 minutes. she is very plot hook focused as a player and nicky loves how she finds all his little clues.

- andrew: shows up just for the snacks and to piss off kevin who thinks it is a waste of time. however, he lets nicky ramble about his plans sometimes. neil knows this and offers to trade secrets for DM intel. matt finds out and runs around yelling “NO INSIDER TRADING”

[simonsrosebud]

the one where someone doesn’t know who kevin day is, pt. 2

part one three four five

dalton’s apartment becomes a common occurrence over the next month.  kevin kisses dalton into the couch cushions, and then the bed.  and this one time it’s almost the same, except dalton interrupts.  “oh, hey, i’ll be at your game tomorrow- ah,�� he breathes as kevin kisses down his neck.

kevin doesn’t like that.  no- he likes that, that dalton is willing to see him  do what he loves and all, but not that he told him right now.  because now he has to stop what he’s doing and explain.  explain that he’s pretty fucking famous in the exy world, that his mother is the creator of the sport, that he’s kevin day- what that entails.

but dalton takes it surprisingly easily.  he thinks it’s because he’s not invested in the sport in the way almost everyone else kevin knows is and just doesn’t get it, or maybe because he actually likes kevin for kevin and just doesn’t care about his past and the weight of his name.

because after kevin’s done dalton kisses away his frown and climbs onto his lap.  “don’t worry, hot shot, you’re still just a history nerd to me.”

kevin upgrades dalton and his friend to his family seats.  his friend seems to know exactly who he is when he goes up to them before warm ups, and by the guys face kevin realizes that dalton definitely didn’t tell his friend who they’d come for.

kevin hugs dalton.  “i’m not out yet,” he whispers.  “otherwise i’d kiss you.”

dalton grins like a child.  “later.”  he shrugs.

andrew mocks him in the car to fox tower after their win.  “invite your boyfriend?”  and he freezes.  “fuck you for thinking i’m an idiot.”

kevin thanks god that nicky rode with matt.  aaron and neil both look at him, though.  “you’re dating someone?”  neil will never not be oblivious.  aaron just sneers.

kevin stays quiet.  he should’ve known better from andrew, after all.  but he pulls out his phone.  come pick me up?

be there in 30, we're walking home from the stadium LOL

it's enough time to go hang out with the rest of the team and the vixens in the lounge, dan would kill him if he didn't show at all.  but he must lose track of time because eventually the door opens and instead of another fox it's dalton.  it's not enough to pause conversations, even though kevin is sure they all at least notice.

when kevin follows him out dalton knocks shoulders with his and smiles.  “are you drunk?  i noticed they were drinking.”

“no.  i’m um, i’m-i’m four months... sober.”

dalton is a pure angel because he smiles at kevin as he drives.  “that’s good, kev, i’m proud of you for that.”  and he doesn’t make him explain, or ask questions.  he takes it at face and lets it go, and it makes kevin want to bask in the feeling he gets from it.  it’s a different kind of trust than he’s used to.

he texts andrew that he’s not coming home for the night.  as soon as they get inside dalton’s place he has his lips on kevin’s.  “looked really hot tonight,” he mumbles and lets kevin walk him backwards towards his room.  “wish you still had your uniform on.  so strong,” and squeals when kevin picks him up.

“stop talking, d”

the next morning dalton drops him off at the stadium for training.  he doesn’t see anyone else there, so he lets dalton grab his face and kiss him before climbing out with a smile.

it fades when he sees nicky and allison staring at him as they exit the stadium.  he forgot it was therapy week for the team.

kevin freezes up.  nicky’s grinning, and allison continues walking to her car.  “wait!”  nicky wiggles his eyebrows when kevin grabs his arm.  “for once in your life, nicky, please don’t tell anyone.”

and it’s weird, because nicky kind of loses his smile.  “are you gay?  or bisexual?”

shrug.  “second.”

“are you serious about not telling people?  you’re obviously not out yet.”  kevin nods, and nicky smiles.  “i won’t tell.  i can keep secrets, you know, when they matter.”

kevin looks to allison, who looks to nicky.  “we’ve all noticed you hanging out with that guy lately.  if a bet about you two boning comes up we’re splitting the pot.”  nicky nods.  “secrets safe with me, then.”

kevin doesn’t tell them that andrew and neil know.  allison’s stubborn and he’s lucky he got her to keep her mouth shut on the first try.

he’s still moody during practice, though.  on their way back, andrew drives right past fox tower and to dalton’s apartment.  kevin doesn’t even realize until the car stops.  “what are-“

“get out.  you’re not allowed back until your mood is gone.”  and kevin could just walk back.  it’s only a fifteen minute walk, honestly, but he doesn’t really want to.  he wants dalton to wrap his body around him so he can take a nap and he wants to just hug him.  he’s realized over time that he’s been incredibly touch starved, and he’s become a fan of bear hugs.

he could feel himself distracted during practice, worrying himself over if he should tell the public that he’s bi to get ahead of it and worrying over what he and dalton are.  if it’s going in a direction that would even give him reason to come out.

so when dalton lets him in with a smile at the unexpected visit, kevin kind of falls into his arms and hugs him.  “can you hold me.”  it’s a different type of vulnerability, but dalton takes it with grace.

and eventually, when dalton’s lying on him with a hand in his hair, he asks, “do you wanna be my boyfriend?”

kevin snaps his head to look at him.  he runs his hand up dalton’s bare back.  “i’ve never been in a real relationship before.  my last one... she was toxic for me.”  triggering would be more accurate.

“that’s okay,” he whispers, his hand slides down to kevin’s face and he drags his thumb down his lip.  “just want you, kev.”

it’s the first time he thinks he’s ever heard something along those lines, and it hits so deep.  he rolls over dalton and kisses him into the mattress.

the foxes have a field day with it.

kevin doesn’t tell them, but he realizes two weeks later that allison was right when she guessed about them starting bets, and it doesn’t help when kevin brings dalton back to the suite only to find the upperclassmen and cousins all spread out on the couches and floor- minus renee and aaron.  he freezes and starts to walk backwards but andrew steps in front of him.  “stay.”

“why.”  but andrew doesn’t answer because he’s already said his piece, and kevin almost ignores him until neil pulls the vice captain card and forces him to stay.

kevin wants to hit him.

“it’s fine, kev,” dalton practically pulls him to the group.  dan greets him first and introduces herself.  “we’re playing never have i ever, drinking edition, if you wanna play, but you’ve got to drink for kevin, too”

and dalton’s wanted kevin’s friends to like him ever since he first saw them, so he doesn’t really want to say no.

“this is a bad idea.  they don’t play nice,” kevin says to dalton.  and he’s right.  the foxes don’t really play the game right, and all they do is go for each other.

kevin starts.

never have i ever payed a guy to knock me out:  neil takes a drink with murder in his eyes.  andrew’s behind him and flicks the back of his head.  he isn’t playing, but he’s not letting neil get wasted without being close by.  and also, he kind of lives there.

never have i ever gone to a peaceful exy banquet:  no one drinks, and for some reason it makes them all burst into laughter.

never have i ever done cracker dust:  dan says that one with a drunk pointed look.  the cousins, neil, and dalton for kevin all drink.

never have i ever had a panic attack over getting a phone:  neil

never have i ever kissed the same gender:  neil, nicky, allison, dalton takes two swigs.

never have i ever dated someone outside of exy:  nicky and dalton for kevin.

never have i ever broken a bone:  kevin, matt, aaron

broken a hand:  kevin

witnessed kevin having a meltdown:  everyone

lived with my dad for two years without telling him he was my dad:  kevin shoots daggers at allison.  dalton drinks for him.

had to get shitfaced to get a tattoo:  kevin

sent neil to west virginia:  kevin

seen kevin’s real smile:  dalton, neil

dated kevin:  dalton.  it settles a few bets all at once.

given kevin a blowjob:  dalton laughs before taking a drink, but that’s the last straw for kevin.  he’s sober as all hell and not letting them take the piss out of him and dalton like this.  “we’re leaving.”  he pulls dalton up.

dalton has an arm around his shoulders and his head ducked by kevin’s.  “s’fun, hm?”

kevin’s not having it.  it was not fun and he had reasons he didn’t want dalton meeting the foxes yet and the whole thing was fucked over because neil pulled the VC card and dalton was too nice to decline it.

neil says, in french.  “you knew he’d find out at some point”

kevin is furious.  “none of you had the right pulling the shit you did tonight.  i’ll fucking kill you.”  and he grabs dalton by the waist to escort him out.

all posts/updates relating to this au can be found in the “OC: dalton miller” tag!

[nunukim-182]

Guilty [Revin Fic]

"Red! Good morning!"

"Red, did you see the Justin Timberlake concert yesterday?"

Two of the most popular kids at school, Wendy and Bebe, came up to me.They are my friends which I met in third grade, and they were popular and cool. All the boys and girls look up at them. And also, I was between them. Speaking of me, I am in the cheerleader team, and I’m the most hottest girl in my class. I had to maintain my dignity, and show myself to the most popular quinces. I could not break my fantasy about myself. and...

"Red, hi!" While I was talking to my friends, I looked back. Kevin Stoley. My childhood friend, and the class-famous geek boy. The faces of my friends are not unusual. Everyone's expression is, "Do you hang along with that nerdy kid?" 

Red, I wanted to talk to you, Kevin said. I hurriedly ignored him and continued talking with my friends, his voice beginning to grow smaller and smaller, and I focused on my friends’ conversations to avoid thinking of him.

Looking back a long time later, I looked around. He was not there. My friends forced me to lunch. I can’t stop thinking about Kevin Stoley. 

I am the worst person in South park.

I hurried back home, shrugging off the story of my friends playing. I pulled out the Star Wars DVD in my drawer and put it into my PC. I watched each of the scenes of the eighties’ crude CGs. I felt calm in my mind. In fact, I like Justin Timberlake and pretty, shiny things, but I also liked SF-related items and cosplaying. I knew that if I show my nerdy side,my reputation would fall to the bottom at school. So I had to act like I’m not a nerd. I was really envious of some kids who showed their nerdy ways. They've lost popularity, but they absorbed in their own favorites. If I could have lived without being seeing other kid’s reactions of mine...

I couldn't stop thinking about Kevin Stoley while watching the movie - our first meeting was when we were four. His dad was a huge movie fan, so we’d always went to theater once a week, or rent a video at home to watch a movie together- mostly a space opera movie. I didn’t understand the scenes and the plots because I’m too young, but we focused when they fight with a Lightsaber. When the movie was finished, we played together and went home. Kevin always played as Han Solo, and I was Princess Leah. It was so fun. 

I want to go back to those days.

I wish I could talk to Kevin again.

Wouldn't he is better than the girls who acts like two-faced Bitch?

While I was thinking about this and that, a text came.

[Hey, can you come out?]

Clyde Donovan. He was putting on airs because he won the most cutest kid in girl’s vote. I thought he was not cool. He's a little dumb. And the fact every girls know that Clyde Donovan like Bebe Stevens.

And you want to see me? Do he wants to hook me up?

I thought I can meet him once, and I pauzed the movie and went to the place where he called.

Stark’s Pond. It was the place where Kevin and I seeing stars through telescopes when we was first grade. I'm with a little- short fatass in a place of memory. It's the worst of the worst.

Clyde Donovan didn’t know the truth. He won the first place because the girls cheated the results for using him buying shoes. Also I cheated,too. The shoes are so pretty, so I have to get them somehow.

"Red. I wanted to meet you once. Do you want to date with me?"

What the fuck is he talking about? Besides,I don't really feel he likes me.

"Why? Don’t you have liked someone before?"

"Is there a reason for dating somebody? Oh! And I'll buy you shoes, too. My dad bought some good shoes today. It’s new."

That was a stupid answer. Yeah, you want to hook me up cause you think you’re so cute. Or did he want to make Bebe jealous? And in my head, angel and the devil are fighting. The conscience that I should never date with this fatass for Kevin's sake, and the other side, the sweet devil whispered to me that I can get new shoes every day if I date with Clyde.

Eventually I had to raise the devil's hand.

The news of the Fatass Clyde Donovan and Red McArthur dating spread quickly.

The girls were horribly envious. I know why they envy me. Because I can get Brand new shoes for Clyde every day. And the fatass keep his promise. Clyde sent me shoes every day. This was also possible because Clyde was a well-off kid in the South park.

But I haven't seen Kevin's face since I shaked my hands with the devil.

I can’t feel I’m dating well. In my mind, I should have dumped this fatass and met Kevin Stoley. I don't want to hear this pig's crappy-third-rate drama filtring...

In any situation, Kevin and Clyde’s actions always compared. When we have dinner together, when we have a cheesy conversation...Kevin would have done better. Kevin would never have done this. Already my heart was full of Kevin Stoley, the Geeky kid.

Walking at the hallway with the girls, I noticed Kevin's face while he was talking to Bradley. Kevin looked pretending to be okay but dark. You must be upset and angry. I understand. What I did was really cheap to be blamed for. The pile of shoes only made me feel like I was strangling. I don't want to date with this pig anymore.

I took out my phone to contact the fatass by text message. Surprisingly, the pig had a text message first.

[See you for a second.]

Why did Clyde want to meet me now?

I went to the place where he asked. The backyard of a school It's a place where Goth kids smoke. They weren't there. Clyde taked time to say something.

"Let's stop dating now. "

Hell yes! I was so happy that I almost flew into the sky. That's what I was going to say! But if I like it too much, I'll have a bad reputation, right? 

"Yes. I don't care if you think so."

"Uh. You'll meet a nice guy someday. "

The Devil's contract for such a week was fortunately over. Later, when it turned out that Bebe was in the lead of cheating, I only knew that Clyde was in a big betrayal and had a huge fight with Bebe. But I don't care about their love affair. I had to pay attention to myself for now. I took out my smartphone to contact Kevin. I had to talk to him, this pig has nothing to do with me.

At that moment my hand stopped. Will Kevin ever be happy about this? Or will he get angry at me?

It was complicated. I've been avoiding Kevin because of his falling popularity and geeky ways, and I didn't know if he'd accept me or not. But I certainly wanted to talk.

I didn't avoid Kevin because I didn't like him.

I'm just fear of my bad reputation.

I'm sorry I've been acting like a dick all the time.

I like Kevin.

But I couldn't send a message because I didn't have the courage to say these words. In the end, I decided to keep it in my mind.

I'm a coward.

A month has passed. Kevin's face brightened up. Still, he never greeted me as first as before. Did he give up on me? I didn't feel very good. I wanted Kevin to come up to me again. Maybe he's trying to distance himself, just like me in the old days.

It was a moment when I learned what Kevin felt about me in the past. I thought I should have told him quickly. But if I starting hang out with Kevin... Everybody will think it’s weird What do Wendy and Bebe think of me?

I hated myself for thinking like a nerdy kid about Kevin. I wanted to be honest. I couldn't even tell anyone. But I didn't want to ask my mom and dad for help. I could see the answer what they say. Mom was a redneck, so I could see exactly what she was going to say, and Dad would gloss over it somehow. Adults are not helpful.

I have to change!

I'm not going to hide it anymore.

At this rate, Kevin might get farther away.

When I came to my senses at that moment, I was standing in front of Kevin breathing hard. Next to him, his friends - Francis, Bradley and Dogpoo - were looking at me with a look of "What's going on?". Kevin's face began to turn red. Kevin's expression looked a little complicated. He looked at me and was at a loss what to do. I took a deep breath and shouted at his shoulder.

"Kevin! See you at Stark’s Pond today! After dinner!"

"Huh?"

“What ‘Huh?’ Kevin! I'm serious! Don't hang out anyone tonight! See you at 7.pm!"

Leaving Kevin alone in confusion, I hurried out of school. Heavy snow was falling in the gloomy sky. White, big snowflakes bumped into me. The snow on my hot face melted and cooled my face. I'm sure he will come out. But what should I say?

But I got my mind. I have to finish everything. Whatever I hear from Kevin...

The snow had almost stopped and was falling little by little. It was freezing cold. I could hear the sound of snow stamping from behind me. I could tell who it was, but I didn't want to look back. I wasn't confident.

"Red."

The voice almost similar to Craig stuck in my ear. the voice that speaks timidly without confidence. When his voice became confident, it was only when he talked about Star Wars, Star Trek, and science and math. If he act having a little confident, he wouldn't have been treated like a nerd. Kevin is stupid.

Whether he knew what I was thinking or not, Kevin approached me and began to speak softly.

"Now you want to talk to me? I've been waiting, Red."

Until you talk to me again, I don't know how long I've been waiting... Kevin blurted out the end of his words. I hated that. Why didn't he just talk to me first if he waited so long? I looked at him, who spoke so confidently. He was blushing. It must have been because it was cold, I wanted to think like that. When I saw his cute, red face, my face began to heat up. I felt like my heart pounding so hard. Where do I start with this? I sorted out all the complicated thoughts in my head step by step.

"I've wanted to talk to you, too."

I really wanted to talk with you, like in kindergarten, like in early elementary school, I wanted to see the stars again and watch a movie with you, I wanted to talk a lot about nerdy things. I wanted to stay with you all the time - my lips trembled every time I said. I couldn't stop crying. Hot tears trickled down the cheeks. The wind made my eyes freezing cold.

"I didn't want the others to think it was weird, so I ignored it even if you say hi to me. And it's not because I want to date Clyde before, he's giving hot shoes to me! That's why I dated with him. So... so..."

I'm sorry.

I felt relieved. It’s like feel when you put in a mint candy and take a picture of cool water. How will Kevin react? Maybe he will pissed off. Or he will leave here cursing at me saying two-face bitch.

But Kevin was too sweet to do that.

"I already knew."

Did he know that? So he was been patient and waiting until now. I feel so guilty.

"And I'm not mad at you, Red, no, Rebecca. I'm telling you, I was upset when you was dating Clyde, but I've never been angry with you, Rebecca Mcauther."

Kevin is a liar. It was a stupid sound. It was impossible that his favorite child acted like this and he wasn't angry. I grabbed him by the collar.

"Don't fuck with me! Tell me the truth! You're angry, aren't you? I've been avoiding you because my classmates treat you like a pussy! Why aren't you angry? Besides, I caused a scandal with Clyde Donovan! Are you a idiot? Get angry! Get mad! "

I looked at Kevin's face and let go of his collar again. I just made a sudden advance. Kevin carefully opened his mouth again.

"But I don't want to say bad things to you, Red."

I've liked Red since I first met you in South Park, and I thought I should put up with it if you could be happy. I want Red, Rebecca McArthur to be happy.

Every time he opened his mouth, my heart felt like it was melting. Kevin is sweet  and kind as I expected.

"Would you like me, even I act being dick to you again?"

Kevin answered my question right away.

"Yes. Everyone makes mistakes. And I like Red whoever you is. Even you’re not hot.”

This is why I couldn't hate Kevin Stoley. Everybody like me because of my appearance and popularity, but Kevin was the only kid who covered my shortcomings. So that’s why I kept Kevin in my mind. When people left and came back from me, Kevin Stoley was always be my side ever since, who could always listen to me and share my favorite things without laughing at me.

Kevin held me in his arms around me without saying a word. His short height didn't cover me up, but I hugged him tightly. A moon and a few small stars were shining on us in the black South Park sky. If time had stopped like this. It's cheesy, typical, and like a third-rate drama, but I whispered quietly in his ear.

"I like you, Kevin Stoley. You are like that shiny, little star.”

Kevin said in a small, but soft, sweet voice that I had ever heard.

"...I love you too, Red Mcarthur."

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okie it’s my first time writing this in Korean and I wanted to show my fics to you guys! I had translated this for 4 hours. Google translations are suck and I thought I had to do this.

[365days365movies]

May 7, 2021: TRON (1982)

Starting to leave lo-fi sci-fi with this one.

Can I just say, I am VERY excited for this one. Mostly because it’s hard to get more ‘80s than this movie, specifically in terms of computers. I’ll explain. Y’know Jurassic Park? Yeah, the same movie I’ve brought up far, FAR too many times this month. Is...is that my favorite sci-fi movie? Shit, it might be? I’ve read the books, I’ve seen the movie COUNTLESS times...I’m pretty sure it is! Huh. Go figure. Anyway, where was I?

Oh, right! Remember the most irritating character in the movie? This is, in my opinion, older sister Lex Murphy. In the book, for the record, she’s a VERY different character. She’s the youngest sibling amongst the two, and she’s a sports nerd who hates dinosaurs. And she’s also the most annoying character in the book, so at least they kept that consistent. However, you may be saying to yourself: “Jesus, this dude really loves Jurassic Park. Even in the intro for Tron, he’s talking about it. Why the hell does he keep bringing it up?”

Well, allow me to explain. When I was 9 years old, I was super into two things: dinosaurs and reading. You may think that I wasn’t very popular in school as a result. And the truth won’t surprise you. Anyway, on January 3rd, 2001, it was a cold morning in the supermarket when

...OK, lemme get to the point. IT’S A UNIX SYSTEM!

See, this moment when Lex hacks into the computer to reactivate the locks (a task given to Tim in the book, but whatever) does two things. One, it makes Lex relevant in a film and story where she’s almost entirely unneeded. And two, it established something in the minds of movie-watchers everywhere: a completely misguided idea of what computer programming is.

And this is just one of MANY examples of Hollywood weirdly representing computers to the public. This was kind of a trend throughout the ‘80s and ‘90s, as computers were beginning to become available to the public. Examples are:

WarGames (1983), dir. John Badham

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), dir. James Cameron

Revenge of the Nerds (1984), dir. Jeff Kanew

Weird Science (1985), dir, John Hughes

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014), dir. Russo Bros

That last one isn’t a great example, and it’s not even within the right time period. I just love Arnim Zola, and he NEEDS TO RETURN to the MCU. Goddamn it, I want this guy back, complete with his full robot body! COME ON FIEGE, LOOK AT THIS GUY! That last one may or may not be my fanart for the character with my own design NEVERTHEGODDAMNLESS!

Look, all you gotta do is connect the various machinations of Arnim Zola to the foundations of AIM, which is easy given their link in the comics. Zola and his fellow Paperclip scientists helped fund Aldrich Killian’s AIM, and the project to give Zola his sick-ass robot body eventually wound up being a part of the project that would create the hovering robotic chair used by this guy.

THIS IS ALL I’VE EVER WANTED PLEASE

...Ahem.

Anyway, the weird-ass ways that Hollywood’s represented computers, hacking, and all other associated things can be traced back to 1982, when the first film to use mostly computer generated imagery for its setting was created. This was, of course, Disney’s TRON. And while I haven’t seen it before...I’ve see its sequel in theaters?

On a related note, Tron Legacy might be a mediocre film with a mediocre soundtrack, but GODDAMN DO IT LOVE THE FUCKING VISUALS. It’s genuinely my favorite aesthetic. That whole “outlined in light” thing? Goooooooh, BABY, how I love it.

Style over substance, but OH THE FUCKING STYLE

Anyway, despite that, I’m looking forward to seeing where the whole thing came from. I dig that style, too. Is there a name for those aesthetics? Let me know, so I can devote my life to it forever. Anyway, shall we get started?

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

So, we start this movie off with a BANG, jumping into an arcade where two kids are playing none other than Lightcycle, and jumping into said Lightcycles to meet one of the drivers, Sark (David Warner). A sadistic program, he takes great pleasure in executing programs in Lightcycle races.

One of these programs, in fact, is being brought into imprisonment now, to be set against Sark in a race. The program, Crom (Peter Jurasik), speaks with fellow prisoner Ram (Dan Shor), where we get some idea of the lore of this place. Many programs believe in “the Users”, god-like figures who they believe created them and tell them what to do. However, the mysterious Master Control Program is rounding up the programs that believe in Users, taking over their functions or executing them. Diggin’ the lore so far.

In the real world, we meet Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges), a computer programmer commanding his own program, Clu (also Bridges), and...look, I’m not sure what they’re doing, but OHHH. IT’S A UNIX SYSTEM, BABY. The beautiful bullshit that this movie uses to denote computer activity and programming, it’s...MMMMMMMMMCHEF’SKISS, it’s so FUCKING GOOD!

Anyway, Clu’s apparently being sent to find some information, but he’s caught by Master Control. Jeff Bridges shows off some pretty over-the-top acting, but it’s charming as hell. Clu’s interrogated by Master Control Program (also Warner), and killed, or “derezzed”. This frustrates Flynn, but why?

Well, we get a clue from MCPs concentration with Ed Dillinger (David Warner), who arrives at his office in the COOLEST FUCKING HELICOPTER I HAVE EVER SEEN. I will never make enough money to have this helicopter, but maybe one day I can do it to a car, holy shit. Anyway, Dillinger lands and enters the ENCOM building, where he speaks with his computer table, which contains MCP.

Is this a thing with computer programmers? Do they, like, physically talk to their programs, and the programs talk back? Is this a thing that happens? Are the conversations interesting? Are IT people literally computer-whisperers? I gotta talk to my friends in computer sciences and IT about this.

Apparently, Flynn’s been snooping around their servers for a specific file, and they’re trying to stop him from getting that file. Meanwhile, in an office in the building, a man named Alan Bradley (Bruce Boxleitner) is blocked out of the system in an attempt to flush out Flynn’s location. Bradley’s summoned to the office for what seems like a routine interview, but is actually more of an investigation. Doesn’t go anywhere.

On a side note, by the way, it would appear that MCP is somewhat in control of Dillinger. Although, how and why is unknown. In any case, he’s attempting to amass power. Additionally, the fact that he’s directly speaking to one of the Users is...interesting. And on a second side note, Bradley is preparing something, a security program called “Tron”. That might come up later.

MEANWHILE, elsewhere in the building, a group of scientists are conducting an experiment to digitize solid matter and transport it into computers. It succeeds with an orange, much to their delight and celebration. One of these scientists is Lora Baines (Cindy Morgan), Flynn’s ex-girlfriend and Alan’s current girlfriend. They go to the arcade to reconvene with Flynn, much to Alan’s irritation.

Flynn not only owns the place, he’s also a game whiz, brilliant computer programmer, and recently fired ex-employee of ENCOM. He’s also been sneaking into the ENCOM system, and he details exactly why he’s moving against them. While working for ENCOM, he had started writing programs for some very complex video games, which could’ve have made him quite a bit of money. But Dillinger stole his files, and uses it to climb up the ranks to Senior Executive of ENCOM, while Flynn lounges in relative poverty. He’s planning on getting into the system to get evidence of Dillinger’s wrongdoing.

The trio plots to take down Dillinger and get the evidence together, breaking into ENCOM that night. Meanwhile, Dillinger’s meeting with Walter Gibbs (Barnard Hughes), a co-founder of the company, and one of the other scientists who made the digitizing machine. Dillinger says YOUR TIME IS OVER OLD MAN, and brushes off his concerns about he’s handing the company.

He’s not the only one with issues, as MCP decides to take over FOR Dillinger. Apparently, Dillinger’s talents are stealing data and creating Cybernet/HAL 9000. Good job, buddy. But that may end, when Alan goes to finish and install his program, Tron, which will hopefully take MCP down. Meanwhile, Lora and Flynn go to the basement with the digitizing machine. At the computer terminal, MCP decides to stop Flynn by...well, you know where this is headed.

Yup! Flynn’s brought into the computer by Lora’s machine, and is digitized and put into the game grid. And since we’ll be spending a lot of time there, I think I need to acknowledge something: I really love how this movie looks. The CGI is rudimentary, but it’s used surprisingly well. Consider that this is also made in an era where this is the kind of imagery that computers could literally generate at the time, and you’ve got a pretty great movie in-context.

Flynn, now in those spiffy program duds, is sent by the MCP to compete in the Game Grid, under Sark’s supervision and tutelage. He’s thrown into the brig with the other imprisoned programs, where he learns more about this world. Once brought into the throes of the Game Grid, he’s told that those who believe in the Users are to be trained poorly, ensuring their inevitable death. Meanwhile, those who renounce their belief will be spared. And of all the programs who still believe in the Users, there is none quite as powerful...as Tron (Bruce Boxleitner again).

We see Tron’s badass skills in Ultimate Frisbee. And OK, it’s not Ultimate Frisbee, but you throw discs that contain all of your essence and all of the things you’ve learned in your time there. You basically pour your entire essence and being into the disc as you throw it. So, really, it is Ultimate Frisbee, according to that one dude who’s REALLY into Ultimate Frisbee.

Flynn is commanded to play one of these games, and he winds fairly easily. However, when he defeats his opponent, he’s almost about to die. However, Flynn refuses to finish him off, leading Sark to do so instead. And Sark is tempted to kill Flynn as well, but he holds off at the last moment.

Flynn finally gets to meet Tron, where he feigns being a program that knows of his User, Alan. Of course, Tron looks exactly like Alan, which is why Flynn blurts out his name. But as they’re discussing this, Flynn, Tron, and fellow prisoner Ram are sent to compete in the Lightcycles. And, yes, I’m now looking for a game like this on my phone, because GODDAMN to I love Lightcycles. Can’t WAIT for the Disney World ride, oh my GOOOOD. 

So, our guys get in the Lightcycles, and they outmaneuver Sark’s guys. They’re actually able to escape the arena and the Game Grid, making it outside the citadel. They encounter a, uh, bitstream, and soak up some energy before moving on. On the way, though, they’re nearly killed by Sark’s guys in tanks, and Tron is separated from Flynn an the unconscious Ram.

Flynn and Ram finds a place to rest and hide, and Flynn discovers that, as a User, he actually has the ability to somewhat manipulate the reality within the computer, and he makes a version of MCPs ships, the Recognizers, which resemble the villains in Flynn’s game that Dillinger stole. Now realizing that Flynn is a user, Ram asks him to help Tron, before dying and disappearing into pure code. Whoof.

Tron, meanwhile, ends up finding an input/output program named Yori (Cindy Morgan), who helps him in his escape. She takes him through the city, where we see some interesting designs for control programs, almost like a Hunger Games Panem sort of deal.

Flynn has trouble driving his ship, as he meets a “bit”, a small bit of data that only answers in yes or no. He, too, ends up in the city, and you start to notice that this film has a really heavy influence in our cyberpunk concepts and fashions today. Honestly, I really dig this whole thing. Kevin uses his programming powers to disguise himself as one of Sark’s guards, while Yori and Tron find their way through the main citadel of the guards.

They make their way through to the access tower, where they ask the program Dumont (Barnard Hughes again) to let them access the interface that will allow them to speak with the Users, specifically Alan. Reluctantly, Dumont agrees to let Tron through, where he goes to the access port. Which, for the record, looks awesome. He goes to speak with Alan, and he does that one pose. Y’know, the famous Tron pose that’s on the poster?

Yeah, that’s the good stuff. Anyway, he gets information written onto his disc that’ll allow him to kill MCP. Neat. And unfortunately, that’s exactly when Sark and his guys show up, taking Dumont away as Tron and Yori escape. Yori gets them onto a Solar Sailer, a device that will transport them to the central computer. Tron fends off some of Sark’s guys with video game noise kicks, and the Solar Sailer arrives to take them away.

Sark chases after them, but the pair manage to outrun his very cool-looking ship. MCP threatens to destroy Sark for his failure, but he promises that he’ll be able to get them. On the ship, Tron looks down at the side to see Flynn hanging on. Turns out that he was one of the guards that attacked the two. Tron pulls him up onto the ship, and Flynn reveals that he is, in fact, a user. He also reveals that Users aren’t exactly the gods that programs believe them to be.

Anyway, how’s Dumont doing?

Ah.

Well, the Recognizers find Tron, Yori, and Flynn, and chase after them on the light beam the Solar Sailer is on. However, with his User powers, Flynn manages to get the Sailer onto a different beam, while pulses on the original beam destroy the Recognizers.

Doesn’t end up mattering much, though, as Sark finally catches up and intercepts the group. The Solar Sailer is destroyed, and Yori and Flynn are thrown in the brig with Dumont, who’s still alive! Can’t say quite as much for Tron, apparently. But, again, I can only assume that Ton is still alive. We’ll see, though. Sark denies Flynn’s identity as a User for some reason (I mean, MCP told you who he was, but OK), and he sentences them all to death. Outside the ship, of course, is Tron, who’s hiding and waiting for the right time to strike. And that is when we finally see him.

Glorious. Absolutely goddamn glorious. MCP is taking the remaining programs that believe in Users, Dumont included, and incorporating them into his mass. Meanwhile, Sark has found Tron, and the two are fighting with a classic game of Ultimate Frisbee. Tron nearly defeats Sark entirely, but MCP revives him, and gives him the power to take out Tron. He grows gigantic, and it looks genuinely really convincing.

Flynn prepares to take out MCP once and for all, and kisses Yori just beforehand, which is weird as shit. He jumps into the program, and controls it just long enough for Tron to throw his disc at it and land the finishing blow. And with that, MCP is ended, and the threat of take over is gone! The I/O towers light up, and the Video Warriors have won! Don’t ask me what that means, I study birds.

And with ALL OF THAT DONE, Flynn gets the proof he needs from a print-out that, to be honest, I feel like he could’ve just typed up himself. It doesn’t look like that much. But, still, MCP is gone, Dillinger’s screwed, and Flynn now gets a cool-looking helicopter of his own, as the new CEO of ENCOM. And from there, he will become a deadbeat dad that abandons his kid to live in computers forever. Or something like that, it’s been a while since I’ve seen Tron Legacy.

And that’s Tron, a goofy movie of its time, but one that’s a lot of fun all the same. And with some effects that, to be honest...I actually really liked! But more on that...IN THE REVIEW! See you there!

[r3b3lgrrrrrrrl]

A LunaTic and Her Gunn (Part 114) "Suck My Metaphysical DICK!"

Practice had ran long and late the night before with Casie eventually being carried to her bed as many patient joints and blunts were finally fired up. Giving So Am I a break, they goofed around with a couple different songs and chords. Mod and Colson finally being coaxed into treating everyone to their playful version of SummerTime.

---------------------------------------------------

With the next day starting, they're back to practicing. Luna choosing Colson, Sam and Baze to debut the new song with her. Mod proceeds to film The Movie that he had started last night of their creative process. Deanna continues to work on Casie's dresses as the younger Baker plays outside with her friends; calling her in as needed to her delight. Pete, Benny, Rook, Kevin and Slim float around the house playing video and arcade games, pool and popping into practice to offer tips or fresh beers.

"Alright, I'm done." Luna declares as she accepts a beer from Rook and rubs the back of her neck. "I think this is the most I've ever practiced a song. We either nail it or we don't." She says as a matter of fact before she takes a gulp of her beer. "What do you think?" She asks, looking over at Colson.

"We got this shit, Baby." He answers, giving her a confident nod with a soul melting wink.

"Bet." She smiles at him teasingly. "Sammy? Baze?" Luna looks over to her other bandmate's nodding heads. "That's it." She calls as she lifts her guitar over her head to the other's relief. "You think we can get a jet from Sean? It'll make tonight a WHOLE lot easier for us and Deanna" Asking as she turns back to Colson.

"You got a better chance than I do." He snorts at the idea.

"That's probably true." Luna sighs. "I'm gonna smoke a cigarette and hit him up." She goes on to tell Colson before kissing his cheek and grabbing her stuff to head outside.

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"Hey!" Luna perks up as Sean answers the phone.

"And to what do I owe the pleasure, Miss Smith?" Diddy laughs at her, cutting right to the chase.

"We're performing on GMA tomorrow morning. I was hoping you had a jet in LA that we could use to get to NY tonight." Luna answers, knowing he appreciates no bullshit.

"You and Colson are on GMA tomorrow morning?" He responds in amazement.

"Shit, Sean. You sound like I do with my career!" Luna laughs at his reaction.

"Nah, nah... I knew they were looken' to book y'all, I just didn't know it had happened this quick." He answers, trying to cover his ass.

"A happy Sean means Yes to a jet, right?" Luna coaxes out the answer she wants.

"Yeah, yeah. What time you need it?" He asks as his mind starts running a hundred other ideas.

"I don't know... 5Pish?" Luna prepares to negotiate.

"No problem. I'll have it up and ready for you. Yo! Tell The Kid I said Congratulations. You two break a fucking leg. I'll be watching." Sean tells Luna.

"Thanks. I'll let him know... And thank you again for the jet. It'll be so much easier with all of our shit." She goes on to finish up the conversation to his No Problems and more Congratulations.

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"We got a jet, MOTHERFUCKERSSSS!" Luna shouts with a laugh. "We just gotta be at the hanger by 5P." She goes on to inform The Gang.

As Luna and Colson head up the stairs to shower, they can hear Sam shouting for everyone to remember to grab their boards; she has a line on a party tonight that she doesn't wanna miss. Besides, no true native drives in NYC. They walk, bike, ride the subway or hail a cab. It's only the cool kids that grind their way through the Five Burroughs.

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"Sean wanted me to tell you he's proud of you." Luna says to Colson as she pulls her tank top off.

"Really?" His chin cocks in her direction as he reaches into the shower to adjust the water temperature.

"Mmhmm." Luna purrs as she steps out of her black panties; catching Colson's eyes on her as she looks up.

"Fuck, you're hot." He pants as he wraps his long arms around her tiny, naked waist before sliding his two large hands up her body to cradle her head with them and kiss her deeply.

Luna can't resist Colson. There is no allowing him to consume her being, it just happens. Connecting so incredibly easily and naturally on not just a physical, mental and emotional level but out of the insane, unquenchable necessity they have for the other. The way Colson and Luna love each other is beyond intense.

Proving so as he lifts her up onto the  countertop without their mouths separating for longer than a second. Kissing each other hungrily as he slides between her bare thighs and their hands roam each other's naked, tattooed bodies. Colson sucks on Luna's neck as she wraps her legs around his waist and works him into her slowly. She gasps in pleasure as he moans during their way towards her back wall. Once he's fully in, Luna loosens up a bit as her soaked pussy engulfs him.

"Fuck, you're so TIGHT." Colson's breath tickles her ear and neck as his words directly entice her pussy into all of his Bad Things.

Grabbing her ass, he pulls her hair with his other hand. Groaning as her walls clench tighter around him, loving his assertive actions. Syncing together roughly as they both cum on the bathroom countertop.

"FUCK." Colson sighs as he kisses Luna's right temple.

"Shower?" She asks while still catching her own breath.

"Yeah... " Colson breathes out.

They rest in each other's hold for a few more moments. Enjoying the quietness of the bathroom and each other's breathing. With their chaotic lives, Colson and Luna have a tendency to hoard every stolen moment between them.

Finally they get into the steady running shower. Fucking it out again. Taking in every piece of each other before stepping out. Carrying on with their usual routine of drugs, kisses and jokes as they dress for their evening flight.

"I fucking love you." Colson slams his hand onto Luna's ass cheek with authority.

"You fucking better." She laughs as she checks her face before turning around to throw her arms around him and firmly kiss his agreeing grin.

---------------------------------------------------

"You know I don't ever know where I'm going." Colson tells Emma with a chuckle as he hands her Casie's bags. "We're headed to NY tonight and then I think LA but I don't know for how long until the wedding. Hit up Ash, she'll know." He advises Casie's mother of his schedule.

"YEAH... I know." Emma replies with an engrained eyeroll.

"GIVE IT TO ME, PEANUT!!" Colson shouts for his daughter as he squats down and she sprints into his open arms. "Love you!!" He declares as he attacks her with a million kisses.

"DAAAD!!" Casie squeals in laughter as she hugs and tries to wiggle away from her father all at the same time.

"Alright, alright... " He agrees after planting another loud kiss onto her cheek before letting her go.

"He's such a neeerd." Casie whispers into Luna's ear as they hug each other GoodBye.

"Yeeeeah... But he's a good nerd." Luna kisses Casie's cheek. "See you in a few?" Luna asks as she pulls back.

"Yup." Casie grins at her.

"Love you, Dill." Luna holds the young girl in for another tight hug.

"Love you, Looney." Casie replies as she squeezes her back.

---------------------------------------------------

The flight to NY is rowdy as fuck. During the 6hr flight, Colson, Luna, Sam, Baze, Rook, Slim, Mod, Benny, Pete and Kev get FUCKED up. Making up Ten of Them. Except Deanna, she's only along for the flight... And to watch the many antics. Smoking blunt after blunt. Pouring drink after drink. While also snorting more than a few things along the way. The trip itself could be a whole ass Hunter S. Thompson Movie.

Luna and Colson dip out to fuck each other in the bathroom. They've already joined the mile high club together but there's something about making your girlfriend coo your name as she cums for you in the air. Especially on your Boss's private plane.

--------------------------------------------------

"Listen... I only got a few things so far." Luna tries to prepare The Gang as she unlocks The Brownstone's front door.

Flipping on the light, the house is clean but bare. Over to the right is the only object on the ground floor. It's a drum kit.

"Is that for ME!" Rook shouts out in disbelief to Luna's happy grin.

Fuck everything else. Rook pulls his sticks out of his back pocket and begins to pound. Providing the soundtrack to their home as the rest of them run eagerly through their new spot. Some, Baze and Slim, check to see if anyone caused any damage during The Break In. They did not.

"YO!! WHERE THE FUCK YOU COP THESE MOTHERFUCKERS!?!" Slim shouts down the stairwell to Luna.

"He finally found his room." Colson laughs as he holds onto Luna and she snuggles into his warm scent.

They all have beds. In each of their rooms. Nothing else because they can decorate it themselves but there are king sized beds in each room with dark sheets and neon green double Xs on them.

Colson reaches his long leg over to kick the door shut. Catching a deviously inviting smile from Luna he eagerly devours her body. Breaking their new bed in with his mouth and oversized cock.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Nah... We're goin' under Sutter Bridge where those old half pipes are... " Nipple tries to explain to Luna where they're headed for the night.

They're all sitting along their stoop. All Ten of Them plus now Nipple and his girlfriend Carrie. Preparing to make their way into the NYC night.

"Oh!" Luna sucks her teeth. "You're talking about the old wooden half pipes!" She exclaims once she realizes where he's describing. "Okay, yeah, I know where that's at... What are we doin'? We ready ride?" She asks as she tosses her hands up.

Nipple nods and Luna goes to find Colson. He's in the kitchen but is immediately up for an adventure. With her school bag packed, boards in everyone's hands and the front door locked; The Terrible Twelve, along with Nipple and Carrie, slip in with the NYC air. Boards and hair flowing like the wind.

---------------------------------------------------

There are many different kinds of parties you can find around The World. Each country or continent offering it's own type of vibe and experience. New York has no ONE vibe. Every location is different. Every party is unique. Every experience is it's own.

As the Terrible Twelve, plus Nipple and Carrie, roll over the worn down road they can hear the blasts of decks slamming, music blaring and laughter floating. Nipple's ahead of them all with Carrie close to his side. Sam follows behind as she leads Baze. Catching the feeling of home, Luna grabs Colson's hand as she plants both feet on her board and guides them into Her World.

Underneath the bridge looks like a mix of 90s nostalgia, the 70s drug scene and the repercussions of the early 2000s. Flowing together with plywood and spray paint. There's dozens of people Luna hasn't seen for months. Kicking her deck up, she grins at Colson while keeping their hands tight. Floating into exactly where she's missed.

"YO!! WHERE THE FUCK YOU BEEN GIRL!?!" Luna's friend Darnell shouts the main question of the night as he grips her into a tight hug.

"I've been falling in love." Luna smiles modestly as she introduces him to Colson.

Colson and Darnell hit it off immediately. Along with everyone else who Luna introduces to Colson. This relieves a huge weight off of Luna's soul. These are her people. Justin's people. Although Luna may not care what people think, their feelings are still important to her.

After introductions, Luna and Colson rip it apart on one of the many homemade half pipes. Grinning and busting each other's balls as they fly passed each other. Catching up with one another on the same lip, they ride down to grab a drink.

"I hate that you're so fucking cool." Colson teases her, finding more comfort under an abandoned bridge than in a multi million dollar club.

"No you don't." Luna grins as she cracks him a can of PBR and stands on her tippy toes to kiss him.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Yo... Where the fuck you been?" Carrie asks Luna as she lays on Sam and Sam lays on Luna; all three comfortably taking up more than half of the graffitied boards to themselves.

"I don't know... " Luna answers by waving her hands around. "I've just been doing things."

"Yeeeeah" Carrie laughs. "We hear you. It's kinda fucking weird, Dude."

"Is it bad weird?" Luna asks in a moment of uncertainty.

"No. Just weird. I can't describe it... I've been listening to you for YEARS, Loons. Both live and recorded. I guess it's just weird to have you pop up on a Spotify playlist is all... " Carrie trails, regretting saying anything at all.

"I'm on fucking Spotify?" Luna asks in horror.

Normal people would celebrate this achievement. Luna. Luna wants to climb into a kangaroo pouch and never emerge. Fame is a Monster that Stephanie described and Luna wants no parts of. But it's here, whether she wants it to be or not.

"Are you fucking serious?" Carrie laughs at her. "You can't be THAT naive. You've got three songs trending and you're about to marry MGK... Not that he's Channing or anything but he's definitely hot and you're way more out there than you've ever been... You don't know this?" Carrie scoffs in slight jealousy of Luna's resistance.

"What the FUUUUUCK... " Luna doesn't respond, just let's the rumble of the boards next to her vibrate her soul from underneath.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Later, Luna finds herself sitting with Pete and Kevin on the lip of the old half pipe, sharing a joint along with a 40 of Old E. They're not fancy and they don't pretend to be. Sam's on the other half pipe with Mod and Carrie still grinding while Colson, AJ, Baze and Slim bust it up with Nipple as Rook and Benny talk to a group of girls. Luna can see them all as her happy feet swing free.

"I gotta ask you something." The tone in Pete's voice changes the air around them.

"What's up, Petey?" Luna asks, expecting ANYTHING except for what he's about to say.

"You didn't cheat on Colson, did you?" He questions her with hesitation.

"WHAT? NO. Why the fuck would you ask me something like that?" Luna immediately jerks her head towards her old friend.

"A thing he said." Pete admits, secretly regretting his question immediately but Luna is one of his bestfriends so he had to.

"What the FUCK did he say? Don't fucking play with me either, Petey." Luna threatens as she feels her soul drop through her already drunk belly.

"You remember the night you caught that late flight back from seeing Jackson?" Pete sighs to Luna's searing nod before he continues to elaborate. "Kells said something to the effect that it wouldn't be the first time you cheated. What was he talking about, Loons?"

"He fucking told?" Luna's heart breaks as it catches what Pete is saying to her. "I can't believe he would do that to me." Luna can feel her face heat up as her heart begins to race.

"He was talking about shit that doesn't concern him or you. ACTUALLY. But if you MUST know, I had an affair back in 2013. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go handle my fucking business." Luna's words are curt towards him before she slides down the half pipe.

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"WAIT... 2013? That means she cheated on Justin?" Pete is so confused as he watches Luna stand up and hone in on Colson. "FUCK. What did I just start." He worries as he grabs Kevin and slides down to follow behind Luna.

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Luna marches straight up to Colson and snatches his up by the arm. Dragging him away from whomever to a secluded corner under the bridge. Standing in the dark she stares up at his confused face.

"Who else did you tell about my affair with Tommy?" She asks him directly with a quiver in her angry voice.

"What?" He automatically responds after being caught off guard by the question.

"Don't lie to me Colson." Luna warns in a low voice.

"I... I didn't tell anyone really but Slim figured it out after our fight over that article." Colson admits with hesitation as he watches tears begin to drop down Luna's cheeks.

"Then what the fuck is Petey talking about?" She continues to question him.

"MOTHERFUCKER. I told him not to say shit." Colson's brain sets on fire.

"I didn't tell him anything Loons but something obviously slipped. I'm sorry." Colson apologizes as he goes to reach for her.

"No." She states as she jerks away from him. "That's not okay." She's full on crying now as the anger starts to boil. "That's not okay AT FUCKING ALL!" She finally snaps. Drawing her right fist back, she catches him on the bottom of the LeftSide of his chin. It's hard enough of a blow to knock him out of their conversation but causes no physical damage. Colson grabs his jaw in shock but not pain. "WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT!?" Luna screams at Colson as she shoves him with all of her force. "IT WASN'T YOURS TO FUCKING TELL!" She continues to scream through her tears while shoving him again.

"I'M SORRY!!" He yells back at her, grabbing her by the arms to catch his drunken balance.

"Get the FUCK off of me." She snarls before kicking him hard in his shin.

"AHHHHH!!!" Colson cries out in pain as he collapses to the ground and grabs his injury.

"I DECIDE WHO I TELL ABOUT MY SHIT!! ESPECIALLY WHEN IT DOESN'T EFFECT YOU!!" She's shouting again as her head viscously snakes around and hands fly like hummingbirds. "SO FUCKING WHAT!?! I DID HAVE A FUCKING AFFAIR... AND I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHO KNOWS ABOUT IT BECAUSE THE ONLY PERSON IT SHOULD MATTER TO IS DEAD... You and everyone else can SUCK MY METAPHYSICAL DICK!" She screams to anyone and no one at the same time. It's been said before, Luna does not lie. "You ran your mouth on me... " She let's out with a tear drenched gasp. "I have way bigger shit than this... How can I ever trust you... Let alone fucking marry you?" Luna sighs out with a sad coldness as she looks down at him and shakes her head in disgust before walking away. Grabbing her bag and board before she disappears into the night.

The Bridge is not bothered by Luna and Colson. Only their personal entourage is truly watching what had happened. Slim walks over to Colson who's still laying on the ground. Her words strike him like lightning, stopping his heart and soul. Most of the time he knows when and when not to fight with Luna. Right now, he doesn't know what to do. Choosing not to say a word; he just lays there watching His Girl angrily stalk away from him as Sam and Carrie rush to catch up to her.

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"They are ALWAYS going through some type of bullshit." Their friends think collectively. Except for Pete; he's confused and pissed but not sure at who.

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It begins to pour as Luna drops her deck. Feeling the warm summer rain pelt her skin, she pushes off of the asphalt. Choosing to glide on the street's edge as she ignores Sam's calls from behind her. Losing her and Carrie without a second's thought.

"I can't believe he did that." Luna's heart growing weak with betrayal. Thinking of how Justin never knew about Tommy because he never asked. Shoving her foot hard onto the rainy street, she can't help but bawl as she pushes out her frustration, sadness and guilt.

"All you would've had to do was FUCKING notice and I would've told you!" Luna screams into the NYC streets as the rain drenches her soul.

[angelicspaceprince]

Youtuber!Beetlejuice Headcanons Part 2

I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but my Youtuber!Beej hcs have gotten almost 200 notes in like under a day (thatsalsocountingthespamjustballoonfishthingsdidbutanyway) and I promised a part two once I reached 100 so. Here we are.

Part 1

Tagging: @justballoonfishthings, @broadwaytrashstrikesagain, @imma-fucking-nerd

You have figured something wasn’t quite normal with Beetlejuice long before the two of you started dating

For one, he always ate just really weird shit

Bugs, glass, wood, paper, rat poison on one occasion and just constantly eating tide pods

At first you’d panic but as time went on, you figured it was all a prank and it was just sugar made to look like inedible stuff

Would explain his hyperactivity and why he always seemed to just need to Move

But when you eventually started spending more and more time at his and filming your videos at the Deetz’s who were his family but also not apparently, the more you realised

No there was some fucked up shit happening

The amount of times he just....took a glass from the cupboard and started munching, or just took one of Adam’s model houses and slammed the whole thing in his mouth or found a random beetle and just. Fucken ate the sucker

It was terrifying

But according to Lydia, he has a really strong stomach and he won’t die from eating literal poison as he downs a bottle of weed killer

You just watched and decided

Ok. Fine. I can handle this

Then there was the hair. On camera, you thought it was a trick of the light because during the con, his hair was a permanent green with occasionally the tips being pink, but that could be hair chalk

But at home, his hair changed constantly, on its own, according to his mood

Perhaps it was a type of hair dye that changes colour depending on body temperature

Ignoring the fact that his hair is very much, for the most part, away from his scalp

But more small things started to happen. Like how he could just disappear and reappear at random, at first you thought it was ninja skills. But then it became ‘no this is physically impossible for him to be here so quickly’

Once, you swore you saw him levitate

His total lack of regard for danger too, it just all slowly started to add up that perhaps there was more to this story than everyone was letting on

The kicker was when you literally caught him sitting on the ceiling to entertain Lydia

It wasn’t the ceiling part that got you, although that was creepy

It was the fact he was slowly turning his head a full 360 degrees

You booked it out of there, rushing past the concerned Maitlands and the Deetz’s and out the front door, all the way back to your house

Beetlejuice kept blowing up your phone with voice messages, his preferred way to text ‘You ok babes?’ ‘Adam said you looked like you’d seen a ghost!’ ‘Please message me?’ ‘Babes, seriously, are you ok? Everyone’s worried.’ ‘Are we through? Are you ghosting me?’ ‘Very mature Y/N. Call me when you decide you want to be an adult.’ ‘Please. Please at least text me. I’ll get Lydia to read it out! Just. Don’t ignore me, please babes.’

The last one sounded so broken but you ignored it

What the FUCK was that?

You could feel the panic brewing in your gut as the vision played again and again in your brain

Maybe you imagined it? No, there was no way that you thought this up

When you finally collect yourself, you text Lydia

‘What the FUCK was that with Beetlejuice?’ 

Minutes passed before you got a response, simply a question mark.

‘His head was rotating like a fucking owl Lydia!’

Almost instantly, your phone started buzzing with Beetlejuice trying to call you

You hesitate over the ignore button, but figured that it was best to hear the excuse from the man himself.

You press accept

“Babes! Are you alright?” He shouts down the phone, clearly concerned.

“What. The. Fuck.” Is all you get out, anxiety now turning into rage. “What the fuck was that? How the fuck? Beetlejuice, I could accept that perhaps you had this weird biology thing which meant you could eat weird shit, and perhaps you could decide to be light on your feet when usually I can hear you coming towards me a mile off, but what. Was. That?” You spew out in one large rush.

There is a pause, you can feel him thinking

“Say my name three times.” He begs

“What?” The change of subject confused you enough that the anger pretty much all but disappeared. “Is this a hypnosis thing?”

“No!” His protest is loud as he struggles to remain composed. “Look, just. It’s hard to explain. Just say my name three times, it’s gotta be spoken, unbroken ok? Just say my name three times in a row.”

You blink but decide to entertain him.

“Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.”

“One more time. Please babes.”

“Beetlejuice.”

Suddenly, with a loud pop, he was there. In front of you. Still holding his phone. His hair was blue and purple, which you came to realise was sad and scared. He quickly hangs up and just stares at you as you process what just happened.

“What. Ok. I’m losing my mind.” You finally decide. “Stress, I have too busy a schedule, I’m just stressed.” You flinch when his hands move to grab your shoulders

“No babes, it’s me.” He hesitates for a second before taking a breath. “I’m dead.” “You’re gonna be.” “No, I mean now. I’m the ghost with the most. Dead.”

You blink before mouthing the words ‘dead’. “I need to see a shrink, clearly I’m psychotic.”

Beetlejuice groans. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I was scared you were gonna run off and. Well. I didn’t want that.” His hand moves to cup your cheek, thumb running at the skin under your eyes gently. “But this is real, and I’m still real, even if I’m a dead guy.”

“Hence the glass and bugs and rotating head.” He nods.

“It’s not all I can do, but it’s some of it.”

You poke his chest, causing him to push back slightly before sighing. “Is there anything else I need to know?”

He looks at you confused. “You’re not dumping me?” You raise an eyebrow

“I moved halfway across the country to be closer to you. You’re still the same dumbass I fell in love with, the one with Mommy issues who loves it when people during out livestreams spend the entire time gushing over how lucky I am to have you, because it gives you an excuse to say that you’re the lucky one that I chose you. Still the dumbass who laughs during horror flicks because its so unrealistic and claims to be best pals with the Mothman and is addicted to Buzzfeed Unsolved and wants to do a collab with them. I’m not dumping you. You hid this from me for a reason and I’m just glad that you’ve told me now. But, as I said.” You make eye contact for the first time since you saw his head spin around his body like a Beyblade. “Is there anything else I need to know?”

“I tried to marry Lydia in an attempt to become alive but she killed me shortly after, Delia gave me the ok to kill a man and I’m pretty sure Charles has come close to murdering me too, but we are all friends now. Also, the Maitlands are also ghosts.” He gets it out in one long breath. You just stare at him.

“Is everyone in that house dead?” “No, just me and the Maitlands.” “Lydia looks like she might be dead.” “She is on the inside.”

You nod as the shock slowly goes through your system. “You tried to marry a teenager?” “It was a green card thing!” He protests. “And, and, and! I had a full blown panic attack because breather emotions are evil and that teenager stabbed me!” “I think she had a good reason Beej.”

It takes a little adjusting and a lot more questions, but you are more or less content with the whole thing, a month before you’d fully accepted it and five weeks before you finally processed the whole thing

You had a lot of questions for the Maitlands and when they told you the sort of person Beetlejuice was before he met you, it made sense compared to all the shit he had told you in confidence 

Still

Life goes on

And it turns out you have a dead youtuber for a boyfriend, who lives in a house with two other ghosts, a teen he tried to marry, a spiritual guide who asked him to murder her ‘guru’ named Kevin and one relatively normal guy

Tbh that’s a sitcom that you’d wanna watch.

[qu-inny]

Dating Sweet Pea Would Include:

warning-mentions of sex and unrealistically high standards set for boys

him being big on pet names for you; babe, baby, princess, darling, love, doll, angel, sweetheart, precious

him being totally whipped, so much so that fangs, toni, and cheryl always find the time to tease him about it

he would scoff or flip them the bird, but smile nonetheless, knowing that he was totally in fact whipped for you

you would be the first one to say "i love you"

it took sweet pea a little while to say it back, not having been used to this type of affection

but once he finally managed to say it back, he practically never stopped saying it

like he would randomly whisper during the day into your ear that he loved you more than words could say

before you came into the picture, everyone swore they never fully saw that boy smile

never heard anything more than a chuckle slip past his lips in terms of expressing his happiness or when finding something funny

but then when you came, flashing that dazzling smile of yours that could light up a whole room, he knew it was love at first glance, not that he would ever admit that to anybody but you, never being able to stop smiling whenever he looked at you

around 7 months after you two became a couple, sweet pea remembers watching you as you danced with cheryl at the whyte wyrm, a bright smile gracing your face, a soda in his hand

fp sat next to him, a beer bottle in hand as he took a swig of it before speaking up

"you really love her, don't you?" he asked

sweet pea turned his head left to look at the man sitting next to him before turning his head right, back to your direction

"more than anything in the world" he said with a smile as he watched you laugh at something cheryl said

fp watched with a smile of his own, he had known sweet pea since he was 14, when he first joined the serpent, after his parents abandoned him

he swore there was no hope for the stone cold sweet pea with anger issues

so, to see how soft he was for you, fp swore he never saw the love you two shared before

"i'm happy for you" he said, patting sweet pea on the back before standing back up and leaving the bar

the piggy back rides were surreal

you'd just randomly get up on a table or chair and jump on his back, getting the chance to see the world from a giants perspective

like he'd just be standing near the bar just talking to a fellow serpent and you'd climb onto a stool and jump on his back

when you first started doing it he'd be shocked and quickly look at your face before realizing that it was just you, then go back to talking, used to your craziness by now

but honestly then he just got used to it and doesn't even need to look to know it's you on his back, used to the feel of you on his back by now

him always sneaking into your room or practically begging you to sleep at his place with him, you having to come up with a deviant lie to your parents; you were sleeping at betty's, roni's, kevin's, you practically used them all

he was big on cuddling, feeling you all through the night ;), always being able to make sure you're safe and make sure you weren't leaving him, something he had been completely and utterly terrified of after his parents walked out on him when he turned 14

he would lay on his back with your head resting on his chest, pratically laying on the side of him, your face buried into his neck as he softly brushed his fingers down your arm whilst you slept soundly with him

another position you two found eachother in was spooning; he would softly and slowly brush his fingers up and down from your stomach to your thighs, the shirt you were wearing, which had been his, riding up as he brought his fingers back up from your thighs, hands brushing over the thin lace underwear you wore before repeating the action, before finally falling asleep, his hand most likely still on your thigh or practically bare waist

being big on pda, not to the point where he would literally fuck you in the middle of the wyrm in front of everyone, but he wasn't afraid to makeout with you on the pool table or on a stool in the corner of the bar

losing your virginity to him was something that took a lot of courage, but after being with him for over a year, since you were 16, you knew you wouldn't trust anyone else to take it

he had known you had been a virgin and was in no way shape or form rushing you to do anything, but he was still a teenage boy with needs, who also cared about you deeply, so when you had finally told him you were ready, he had been ecstatic

but of course he wanted to make sure your were 100% sure for this, so he asked about 70 times if you were sure you wanted this, and when you told him you wouldn't want it with anybody else, he had finally been ready for you two to make love

so, you two had planned to do it the following night, a friday, so you could sleep in the following day, as you were sure you would be sore

he couldn't hide his excitement on the 'special day', pratically beaming through school, you two catching sneaky glances at eachother throughout the day, leaving you two smiling right after

toni, fangs, and cheryl could definitely tell something was up, but they didn't say anything about it, happy to see their friend this excited

you two had never shared anything about your sex life to anyone else, no matter how close they were of friends, knowing that was something that should be kept private between just the two of you

after your shift at pops and after stopping by your house to freshen up and prepare for the night; shower, shave, etc, and after telling your parents you were sleeping at kevin's house, you drove your car over to sweets house

you opened the trailer, being met by complete and utter silence

"pea?" you called out, taking your jacket off and placing it on the coatrack, slipping your boots off as well in the process

you wore a simple purple long sleeve, and black pants, going for a simple look, though you wore the only pair of underwear that wasn't totally littered in child-like things or too plain, even if it was just a simple white laced matching pair of underwear and bra

you stepped further into the house, your eyes grazing across the cleaned living room, before going to the door of the bedroom, once more calling out his name

you entered the room and what you saw took you at a lost for words

you saw a messy, but nonetheless thoughtful trail of rose petals leading up to the bed, candle lights dotted around the room, as more rose petals dressed the bed

you heard the bathroom connected to the room sink running, before abruptly stopping before you the door opened and out came sweet pea in his usual flannel and jeans

he looked a little shocked to see you standing there, as you were looking around the room in amazement, before regaining his composure

"oh hey you're a little earlier than i expected...i um...wasn't sure if you'd like this, but i wanted to do something special because i know how much this means to you, it's not anything big but-"

you cut him off by walking over to him and putting your hands on either side of his face, smashing your lips onto his, catching him by surprise before you pulled away after a few seconds

"it's perfect pea" you smiled, causing him to sport a matching smile because of your words

and so, you two spent the night tangled up together, becoming connected as one, with sweet pea treating you like a fragile porcelain doll the whole time

and after you guys had sex for the first time, it became an almost daily occurrence

rough sex (not to the point where he would seriously hurt you, and if he ever did or left a painful bruise, he would never stop apologizing)

passionate and meaningful sex

gentle sex

frustrated sex

stressed sex (normally if you were stressed about school or work, or if he was stressed about the serpents)

s t e a m y sex

but, no matter what type of sex you two had, afterwords he always treated you the same; clean you up, make sure you were comfortable, make sure he didn't hurt you, and cuddle up with you, only falling asleep after you were asleep, feeling comfortable going to sleep knowing you were safe in his arms

and you CONSTANTLY had hickeys and love bites dotting across your neck and the top of your breasts

you had attempted to try and hide them at first; wearing scarves, turtlenecks, using concealer, before eventually giving up and owning those hickeys and love bites

and sweet pea would never hesitate to take pride in telling people he was the cause of those, not that anyone really doubted it

you were close with all of his friends, particularly toni, fangs, and cheryl

you had been from the northside, but never found yourself fitting in with the whole stereotypical jock, cheerleader, nerds, emos, athletes, or any specific clique

so, when meeting them, you had been radiant to finally find yourself having friends that weren't overly dramatic, stereotypical, or judgey, well, not counting cheryl's dramatic but sometimes manageable ways

at the wyrm you would sit on the edge of the pool table near sweets, watching him play against other people, winning every game and bet offered

him teaching you how to play, guiding your hands to where you were supposed to hit as he lined your body up with his, pressing you into his hips, whispering in your ear when to shoot and how to hold the stick

but you would normally end up making out at the close proximity every time he tried teaching you

when you finally learned, him letting you win everytime just to see you happy, making you the only one to actually "beat him"

you often told him to stop letting you win, but he simply admitted to "never letting you win", and "you just being too good to beat", even though you knew you sucked pretty bad at pool

he wasn't overly possessive, not to the point where he would treat you like you were his property and he owned you, but he never failed to yell at someone or clock them in the eye if they talked to you or looked at you in the wrong way

and forbid if they were to even lay a hand on you, they would be knocked out cold with sweet pea being held back from killing him within a second

and you scarcely became jealous, because if a girl ever tried flirting with sweet pea, he would be oblivious to it or completely ignore it, you being his sole and only focus

but, if you were to ever get jealous, he would kiss you all over and tell you that he loves you and only you, and that you were the most beautiful girl in the world, causing a bright smile to light your face

his jacket essentially became yours

he would always drape it over your shoulders and feel a sense of pride seeing you in his jacket, admiring how hot you looked in it

actually, practically everything he owned became yours, as you would steal them all the time

his clothes

his rings

his brass knuckles

his pocket knife

you basically owned his trailer with him with how much you came over, and your stuff was always littered all over the trailer, from pictures, to decorations from your room you didn't have enough room to hang at your own house, to your clothes in his closet

hell, if you weren't utterly terrified of riding it yourself, you'd probably be riding his motorcycle around too

you were always playing with the rings on his fingers

like you two would be gathered around the fire with some other serpents and you would sit between his legs and play with his rings whilst they were on his fingers and he wouldn't think anything of it as he talked to a fellow serpent

you loved his rings so much that he gave you one of them that you always wore, sort of like a promise ring, so whenever you looked at your hands you could always remember him and how he wants to spend the "rest of his life with you", as he stated

and his tattoo, you were IN LOVE WITH, you would always trace your fingers over the snake as you too laid down, admiring how good it looked, and never failing to tell him you thought it looked amazing on him

"i know baby, you tell me almost every day"

it was often something that calmed the both of you down, tracing his tattoo that is, your gentle touch tracing his tattooed skin over and over until you two eventually fell asleep

you two would rarely fight, but when you did, if he saw even a drop of water spill from your eyes he would immediately rush to apoligize and beat himself up over it for the next few days, constantly apologizing, no matter how many times you told him it was fine

at first you were hesitant to get on his motorcycle, knowing how easily that thing could crash or something could go wrong, but after he reassured you about a thousand times that it was completely safe and he wouldn't let anything happen to you, you finally let sweets take you on a ride

and when you finally let him take you for rides on it, he drove especially careful, never too slow or fast, making sure you were 100% safe and in no way shape or form in any harm

you would always clean him up after a fight which, might i add, was pretty often, especially after transferring to riverdale high and constantly fighting with the bulldogs

you guys don't really go on fancy dates that much, you guys would just mainly hang out at the wyrm or the bijou, or sometimes go down to the quarry

but if he ever made enough money from pool, he would never hesitate to take you two on a nice dinner date

and as much as you loved to go on a fancy dinner date out with him, nothing beat staying at home, cuddled up in bed as you two watched some tv, or talked about your days as he admired your beauty as you rambled on and on about what happened at school or work earlier in the day

he loved the serpents and his loyalty always would lie with them, but if he were to have to ever make the choice, deep down he knew he would choose you over them any day

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Nobody Calls Dean McFly a Nerd

Transmission date: Monday 18/Tuesday 19 September 2017

Yeah, I said this would be 'punctual' and 'up a decent amount of time before the PPV', but hey

i was ill, and also you're not the boss of me

(unless you are)

(in which case my salary hasn't been coming in and we need to talk)

so without any further ado (just kidding, this is gonna be ado city right here) i present to you SATURDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

(yeah, you thought it was gonna be sunday, didn't you?)

(daniel did)

(he was super unprepared and is currently eating lunch in his booth)

(it looks delicious)

(bastard)

ahem

yes

wrestles?

opening on an in memoriam for bobby heenan

aww

we're in san jose

i should be able to make some kind of sport joke there but i can't find it

anyway, here's kurt

apparenrtly we have two matches at no mercy that are mania-worthy

casual shade at the rest of the card there

kurt says that's not all, and now here's the miz

with his bros, but not his wife

oh yeah, she's pregnant

that makes sense

boo for the next year or so when i don't get to steal her style ideas

miz, meanwhile, is wearing black trousers and a white jacket and growing a shitty beard

the single look doesn't suit you, mike

he's complaining that he doesn't have a match at mercy

kurt's like dude i was just saying that

jordan/elias/hardyz in a four-way tonight for a shot at him

miz complains that kurt puts his son in the match ahead of his super-qualified and totally legit hangers-on

kurt has had enough of your tone, young man

miz gives him a lecture about responsible fatherhood

see how kurt isn't beating the shit out of him, shane?

this is called being a responsible employer

miz fucked up his words at least twice while i was writing that last sentence

get it together, dude

anyway, here's jj to step to him

and defend his dad's honour

in a new magic eye singlet

i think he's secretly dressed as a tractor

jj asks kurt to put curtis and bo in the match so miz can shut the fuck up

never gonna work, dude

miz says one more thing about his father

gets fucked on, as promised

booker gives sage words about how jj needs to control his temper

dude, did you watch your entire fucking career

for example, jason has never dropped an n-bomb on air

later tonight we have brock and braun being interviewed (bad) and roman giving an address (worse)

but next, alexa/nia

brilliant shot of them walking backstage

alexa's expression of barely-restrained terror sells it

but first have this advert for cena/reigns

because god knows we haven't talked about it enough

back to jj backstage

as kurt storms in to tell him to calm down and focus

jason responds by ranting about what everyone thinks of him

dude, this is the opposite of calm and focus

kurt talks some fatherly shit at him, boils down to #hatersgonnahate

tells him to win the match

bet he never thought of that

but actually now, here's alexa

doing her best 'ignoring the proles but also lowkey bricking it' face

and also nia

bell rings, alexa runs away

like you thought it'd go any other way

eventually gets back in the ring, gets dicked on for a while before trying to talk nia down

and running away again

heads up the ramp, headed off by sasha

and then nia flattens her

(alexa, that is)

sasha's just lurking at ringside like oh hey there

alexa totally just hit a curbstomp on nia

i thought we banned that

alexa sets up on the top rope, goes for a crossbody, gets samoan dropped to death

sasha attacks nia after the pin, gets fucked on

and oh hey, bayley's back

somewhere, emma is just like yknow what i'm good

the three of them face off against nia and take her down

oh my god, i would watch the shit out of sasha, bayley and alexa as the shield

#extremefantasybooking

nia leaves, bayley extravagantly hugs everyone

they both raise alexa's arm, then remember who she is and bayley suplexes her into oblivion

i really should have seen this coming what with it being san jose

+10 hometown boost

cole recommends we go to wwenetworkrightnow.com

someone needs to learn how web addresses work

and also hypes kevin/shane in a cell

which...no

and gameplay ad for 2k18

ooh, it's got billie in

i'll probably play it, but not preorder this one

destiny 2 and injustice 2 exist, along with others

ad for total bellas, which looks less good

and a package of wrestling peeps eulogising heenan

apparently we're gonna get more of those throughout the show

cole tries to do heenan banter, corey shuts him the fuck down

and now, a video package about brock

god, i hate ppv setup shows

this is all footage from 2002

transition straight into mania 30 without a AND THEN HE BROKE HIS FUCKING NECK title card

and along came a strowman

okay, i will never not giggle at the announce table sandwich spot

paul claims that was the first time in brock's life he got carted off the battlefield

see above, re: BROKE HIS FUCKING NECK

this package has just reminded me of luke harper's existence

what happened to him?

internet says him and rowan are still signed, but little else

anyway, package is over, here comes cesaro

and also his best bro

i will never get over their fusion dance pose

actual fact

they're up against the good brothers, who are still jobbing wherever possible because we saw the shit that happens when they get to main even

ad for smackdown, which i am super unhyped for

the aftermath of vince 'blading is awful unless it's me' mcmahon

let's see how that trash fire goes later

sheamus wants to talk to us about nostalgia

and also about how he clearly doesn't understand the difference between sequels and remakes

conclusion: fuck nostalgia

and here come the kkb to fuck it for us

apparentliy seth and dean are both exploiting each other

cesaro responds to what chants by repeating the same phrase half a dozen times

which is kind of great

wait, sheamus has mtn dew and liverpool fc patches

now i need to study the rest of both of their jackets

anyway, they finish their usual proclamations, and now here are seth and dean

seth describes them as like if taxi driver and braveheart had a really ugly baby

seems legit

although i don't love the 'yeah but you look dumb' retort

they talk about brothers a bunch, gives anderson and gallows a perfect chance to cut in

and call seth and dean nerds

seth's like oh no dude you shouldn't have said that

dean is not happy

nobody calls dean mcfly a nerd

cue brawl

ending with seth and dean in the ring and everybody else outside like bwaaaaaahhhhh next time gadget

but fuck that shit, here's an ad for asuka

meanwhile, kurt has once again taken the path of least resistance and made this into a triple threat

expect spots, shenanigans, and a champion win

cesaro and sheamus 100% just kicked gallows in the dick

ref like whatevs i'll allow it

book talks about the good brothers not finding their footing in wwe, cole's like ummmmm dude they were tag champs

this match is primarily seth and dean and the kkb doing rapid tags and good wrestling and anderson and gallows being like yessir we are also here

oh hey, anderson tagged in

had to happen evetually, i guess

cole almost calls gallows 'the big dog', catches himself in time

accidental double hot tag takes us to seth/cesaro, and frankly the other four can go home

weird spot where seth goes for his turnbuckle bomb then has to redirect halfway through to not throw cesaro into anderson and gallows' corner

seth eats a magic killer, dean breaks the pin only to get thrown into a barricade by the kkb

someone in the ring just shouted "sports entertainment!" and i don't know in what context

sheamus and cesaro do their flapjack cutter, then both forget who's legal and roll out of the ring, then both run back in and go for the tag at the same time

with cesaro doing the pin and sheamus just holding seth's right calf

is this a fucking laurel and hardy movie

and then anderson forgets how to set up a superplex

-checks the headlines for an epidemic of fail ravaging san jose-

double double suicide dives from seth and dean

next up in 'spots that make not a single fucking lick of sense when you think about them'...

whatever the good brothers are good at, it's not selling when they take a suicide dive

sheamus blind tags off dean, dean hits dirty deeds on anderson, sheamus steals the pin

would you look at that, a champion victory on a ppv setup show

cole started a sentence with "The Bar claims...", i totally hear the barsgays

cesaro poses on the ramp, sheamus hobbles off backstage, seth and dean don't give a shit

but nowthe miz rallies his troops in the locker room

(if you know what i mean)

bo interrupts like dude i used to do motivational speeches can i criticise your technique

bo and curtis give their cvs, throw some casual shade on their boss

realistically, why is matt hardy in that match?

the others have at least been winning a bunch lately or have had their boss shouting at the gm

has kurt been hassled by seven deities

this video from mania 21 brought to you by pizza hut

ok, but...why?

yes, edge won the first mitb

why are you telling us this now

okay, nobody knows

cole does an awkward segue into cena/reigns

corey forgets how to speak english

don't worry dude, attempting to hype roman reigns matches does that to me too

and now enjoy this video package of the parallel histories of john cena and roman reigns

i remember when there was live wrestling on this show, not like 80% clip shows

(yup, turns out i still hate ppv setup shows)

(however much of a tire fire smackdown is, at least it won't be a ppv setup show)

i really don't get why they can say bitch on the live shows but then censor it out of the video packages

okay, even in retrospect this cena promo was fire

and straight from that into an advert for vince's totally legit head injury

back in the real world (ha), kurt is on the phone

he certainly spends a lot of time on that phone

which is...an accurate representation of management, i guess

kudos, dubby dubby wee

+0.01 reality points

(current score: -89887452.99)

pan over to goldust standing inches from a poster with his back to the room

and then he turns round without paint on

whaaaaaaat

and the bodysuit undone partly as well

he wants another shot against bray in his real face

which raises the question: if he wins, why was the paint there in the first place

some kind of anime power limiter?

leaves, then pops back in to snap in kurt's face as usual

but in the ring, it's curt hawkins

woo

he's closed the star factory

and replaced it with the curt hawkins history machine

huh?

he's going to make history by ending his 114-match loss streak

well, that makes sense i guess

at least he's aware of his failings

and here comes apollo crews

the apathy is just rolling in off the crowd in waves

titus is here too

corey is either listing the current roster of titus worldwide or naming random celebrities

hard to tell

apollo shows off all the athleticism and none of the charisma, as ever

curt actually gets a nearfall, which is good for him

ticker advertises raw next week for 'ontario, CA'

ok, a) CA is a real state abbreviation, and b) ontario is big

unless it's going to be on the road through ontario in some kind of epic monday night raw travelling roadshow

i'd watch it

anyway, while i was distracted by the ticker, apollo won

i love how his 115-match streak gets an onscreen graphic

up next, brock and braun talk

sigh

after a small dancing child with cancer

it's an ad, ftr

not dolph trying another new gimmick

great, here they are

complete with paul growing out of brock's left shoulder

long beat before paul remembers his client can't talk until at least halfway through the segment

got to pace himself

braun: "My actions speak for my words!"

...i got nothin

some next-level uplit glower coming from braun though

which i just read back as 'quilt glamour'

next big aesthetic of 2017

this lighting makes braun's tattoos look like absolute shit

i'd provide a pic, but then i'd have to keep looking at them as i tracked one down

just trust me

i think it's the combination of veins and scar tissue

the way this shot is arranged, brock looks like an uncomfortable child as his parents argue over his head

paul decides cole's interview displeases him, so he's writing his own

tbf, cole is entirely unnecessary in this situation

yay, brock's warmed up

leans into camera, and the scale difference makes him and paul look like an 80s album cover

oh hey, brock got to do a mild swear

quick, let's censor it out of all future broadcasts

and the segment's over

thank god

and next...roman delivers a message

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE

after these recaps of the women's title happenings

yeah, primarily making me double down on the fact that a women's trios competiton would be rad

and they've added bayley to the no mercy match?

for reasons

emma complains on twitter, and she's kind of right

but now (sigh) roman reigns

the presence of roman has made cole forget what time of year it is

he is just a well of negative thought

standard loooooooong-ass beat before he talks

opens by bigging up cena's talking skills

maybe a bad start

and then probably swears? the tape delay caught it

namechecks alex riley as the boring white version of himself

which is...fair, tbh

calls cena a bitch again, take a shot as you despair for the writers' lack of better material

rolls a vt from 20fucking12

of cena basically having the same problem with the rock as roman has with cena

the main difference being i don't want to punch past cena in the face rn

the real angle we want to see is cena v past cena

get on it, r&d

roman calls cena out for not being here today

is smug af

halfway decent promo, but tbh most of the good bits were shamelessly ripped from cena material

which, hey, steal from the best

in any case, he's gone

but now, renee interviews the hardyz

asks them how they're going to deal with fighting each other in the 6-pack

they're both like welp, it's kind of what we do

matt does the broken accent for one line, everyone pops

and wyatt cut

i like to think matt is still in full flow and just hasn't realised the cameras are off

but yeah, here's bray

and here's a total bellas ad

strong juxtaposition

and also an asuka ad

led with a quote from fucking sun tzu

excuse me while i sigh so hard my lungs collapse

like

they're on a big push in china

so someone must have realised it isn't the same country as japan

and yet

this summerslam recap slideshow is mostly a chance for bray's music to keep playing so we can here the full track

which is fucking great

and here's

dustin rhodes

the dramatic renaming is slightly let down by the fact that both his tron and the fucking clothes he's wearing say GOLDUST in big letters

could they not have just put him in some generic gear for this match

cole has clearly just ctrl+f'd his internal monologue, and now he's awkwardly calling dustin rhodes by his full name at every opportunity

but yeah, if you were trying to be the man behind the gimmick, why would you still be wearing the hey-look-at-my-junk bodysuit?

pins bray in the corner ropes, kicks him twice in the inner thigh (honestly officer), and then eats a sister abigail for the pin anyway

cue finn on the tron

dustin can't even have this loss to himself

finn is here to tell a story about his youth

in the form of the next big YA novel

i would totally read a novel series anbout a fictionalised finn bálor

finn points out that even the man behind the demon is a man who made himself a demon

so not exactly harmless

reason 1745 i love finn bálor: understanding of symbology

after this bobby heenan memorial, enzo will be here

so i kind of hope it lasts half an hour

and now the announce team awkwardly eulogise some more

and cut to a video package of his greatest moments

this is about 409000% better than enzo turning up

oh fuck, here he is

i am loving the number of boos he's getting

oh thank fuck here comes braun our lord and saviour to bodycheck him into the underworld

casually chucks him into the ring over the top rope from the floor

san jose loves him

spinebuster to death, then powerslam out the other side

walks off, neville turns up while he's halfway up the ramp

gives the angry giant a wide berth

and red arrows enzo for shits

demands a mic, does enzo's shuffle and how you doin', leaves

and san jose fucking loves him

beating up enzo is not good for your heel heat

oh wait, apparently he's sticking around for a fight

after this ad for smackdown

and this recap vt of enzo getting dunked on

cut to charly interviewing enzo in the trainer's room

he's like woe is me i am dead

but btw i'm still gonna win on sunday

but in any case, now it's neville v gran metalik

rip el rey de las cuerdas

neville tears his mask open

ooooooooooooh

-shocked silence-

metalik responds with a lovely step-up tope

neville intercepts a moonsault into the rings of saturn, successfully stands up to lucha rage

and now after beating enzo, he's painted a huge target on his back for every luchador in the company

but now a hispanic heritage month thing about jennifer lopez

for whatever reason

it's worth noting that we're halfway through september, and wwe hasn't mentioned it until they have time to fill on a ppv setup show

one ad for 205 later, here's elias to open the main event reunion tour

he is disappointed in san jose

but also in all his opponents, so there's that

threatens a child in the audience that he'll get them and their mother kicked out of san jose

do...do wrestlers have that power?

and here's a diss track about his opponents and also btw san jose

interrupted by the hardyz before he can get to their verse

ooh, jeff's gone back to his old pre-mermaid arms sleeves

in all their improbable glory

and curtis and bo don't even have their own entrance any more

oh, and they get their boss to come with them

well, i guess he'd be coming on announce or w/e anyway

ok, no, he's just gonna lurk

and commence huge brawl

someone's brought miz his studio chair for ringside

brief moment where it looks like the heels are all going to work together, then elias is like ohhhh wait i'm a huge dick -kicks bo in the kidneys-

incredibly slow tower of doom setup for the hardyz to suplex the miztourage superplexing jj

elias goes for the cheap pin, jeff breaks it

and then elias eats a poetry in motion for good measure

matt then immediately turns on his brother, side effect for a nearfall

jj deploys approximately 63% of the world's suplexes, miz throws him into the audience because no rules motherfuckers

matt twist of fates bo for a nearfall, broken by elias

who then hits drift away on matt, pin broken by jeff

crotch drops elias, swantons axel, miz breaks the pin

and jj hits kind of a meh neckbreaker for the cheap pin

insistent crowd member with an I PAID TO SEE DANA BROOKE sign

oh, honey

miz comes into the ring to sarcastically applaud jj

and then tries to punch him and gets suplexed to death

until curtis and bo come in to kick some shit out of him

and finale

and some post-beatdown smacktalk from the miz

calls him a bastard, which we can get away with when it's used in its technical sense

and fade on the twat triumphant

(my new feminist porn site)

...

that's the worst joke i've ever made on here

i am sorry

right, this is normally where i would roll on to smackdown

but, while i do have a weekly quota of sweaty men falling over, it's about to be filled by the new season of strictly

i have diverse interests

so until i get back, here's a line to tide you over

----------------------------------

damn, that was a good line

and if anyone was expecting another kind, you are seriously overestimating our budget here

so failing that, how about some SUNDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN?

(yeah, no mercy starts in like nine and a half hours)

(this whole punctuality thing was never going to take)

so yes

do the show

oh god this is going to be the vince mcmahon drama hour, isn't it

now lasting two hours

raw was mostly bullshit, expect this to be bullshit for other reasons

oh hey, let's kick off with a recap of the whole angle

if you can't remember what happened, read this blog more carefully?

really can't help you with that

oh hey, i want to punch vince in the throat again

funny how quickly that comes back

they've put so much reverb and filters on this audio that kevin is basically unrecognisable

his name is legion

ok, yeah, i'll never not pop for vince getting the shit kicked out of him really

we're in oakland today, so [topical joke about the a's]

and opening with some shane

commence the dramening

whoever designed the graphics for hiac this year needs to calm the fuck down

HANDS AND SKULLS ALL HANDS AND SKULLS HANDS OPENING A SKULL HELL IN A CEEEEEEEEEEELL

apparently vince had three fractured ribs

and shane is now here to sing his praises and how much he loves him

one day they'll work out what they want the image of the mcmahon family to be

shane condemns kevin to hell in the cell [sic]

work out the name of your show, dude

HANDS AND SKULLS AND FIIIIIIIIIRE

okay, now i need to calm down

but later tonight in other angles, corbin/styles for the concept of an open challenge

but next, randy

come back shane, all is forgiven

well

most is forgiven

but first, have this ad for cena/reigns

again

i miss creepy cheerleader cult alexa

oh, and here's aiden english

guess we know what randy's here for

sweet lennon shades, dude

aiden provides his own dubiously-scanning version of randy's music

calls him a tool, gets a massive pop

keep the faith, oakland

shot of the announce table reminds me once more of the a+ announce team on here

and here's randy

oh look, still a tool

"this could be a well-laid plan by aiden english...or it could be a crucifixion"

byron saying what we're all thinking

my money's in column b

guy at the front of the round with a kane sign is either slightly ahead of events or significantly behind

we will see tonight

aiden takes a backbreaker on the barricade, then slams randy into the announce table anyway

nice to see him get some solid offence

still gonna lose, but

gets a thumb to randy's eye while he argues with the ref

adding randy to the calm the fuck down list

and then counters a top rope crossbody into a shoddy-ass rko

handy slowmo replay of the shittiness of that finisher

oh hey, here's rusev to defend the honour of musical theatre

or possibly to recover his honour in the eyes of the noble people of bulgaria

or to...rip randy's teeth out?

esoteric threat there

randy agrees to the match, then immediately gets momentarily distracted by aiden and kicked in the face for the pin

rusev then runs off up the ramp instead of getting down to tooth-ripping

i'm simultaneously disappointed and thankful

stands on the stage, rejoices at his reclaimed honour

oh, but tom has news

kevin will be here via satellite

from the next room

seems inefficient, but hey

tradition

also tonight, charlotte's back to talk about her dad

but now, here's jinder

walking backstage sharing smug stories with his crew

and he'll be here after this ad for kids with cancer

or

what's the opposite of an ad?

like

an avert?

but then it'd just be an a

appropriately for oakland i guess

BOOOOOOOM SPORTS JOKE

damn, i'm good

ad for total bellas, and now rusev is freaking out backstage

renee comes to interview him, has to immediately explain the word 'elated'

rusev is off back to bulgaria to be a hero again

but now, here are the singhs and their amazing alveolar trills

and also their boss

in a possibly ill-advised spotted shirt

or maybe i just spend too much time critiquing wrestlers' fashion choices

jinder is doubling down on mocking shinsuke's face

this is the most incisive and well-written angle

the singhs are continuing to find jinder's jokes more hilarious than is healthy

and now jinder's getting at the crowd for being racist against japanese people?

sure, dude

they've spun a really long mic spot out of one pic of shinsuke and a bunch of racism

oh, and there's the japanese people can't say /l/ joke

credit to oakland for all just going oooooooooh there

this is genuinely breathtakingly racist

crowd start a that's too far chant

p sure he crossed that line weeks back, but welcome to the party

we have whisky and non-discriminatory humour

does some ranting in punjabi to 3% of the people of his alleged country, end segment

the announcers are all like yeah, that was a bit much

let's move on and try to forget that

up next, corbin/styles

in the allegedly open title challenge

after this repeat of the video about j-lo off raw

remember last year when they did the whole month of different latinx people?

but sure

but now, renee interviews shinsuke

who's like yeah that jinder's a funny guy -lowkey furious-

and then leaves

and here's aj

and a replay of styles/dillinger last week

that was a good match

aj has thoughts about kevin/shane

he thinks kevin shouldn't be messing with the man who brought aj to the wwe and started smackdown live

um

remember mania?

but now to talk shit about "shortcut king" baron

and list his recent failures

(which are hilarious)

and here comes the dick himself

with his new intro i still don't quite get

corey is talking shit about baron for seeing the us belt as a trophy

which...it is?

gregg mentions aj's weight, and i get briefly distracted by the fact that he'd only need to cut a few pounds to be a cruiserweight and how good aj/cedric would be

anyway, while i thought about that, baron attacked aj before the bell, leading tye to run in and take the fight to him

refs have removed tye, but baron's selling a fucked leg

so aj puts him in the calf crusher as well, cos why wouldn't you

hit aj's music, guess the thing's over

with baron rolling around at ringside going OW MY LEG

we get it, dude

but up next, charlotte

after pizza hut gives us a random clip of the past

this time, it's mitb 2011

i have no fucking clue what rationale they pick these clips on

but hey, it's nice to watch bryan win things

and here's baron hobbling around backstage

renee comes to interview him, he screams about feeling violated

not sure that was where you wanted to go with that, dude

swears vengeance, end thing

and here's charlotte

in street clothes

and oh look, she and her dad have written a book and it's out today

such coincidence

remember when charlotte was meant to be her own thing distinct from her family?

she's here to thank everyone for their tweets and positive energy

or possibly thoughts and prayers

the former seems more likely these days

but ric is apparently going to be ok, so i can resume talking shit about him without feeling bad about it

one day he'll die and i'll feel momentarily bad for all the crap i've said about him before going on with my life

charlotte has learnt an important lesson about the fragility of life and shit

and here's nattie to be insensitive

she's like cool your dad's ok but let's talk about the important shit

nattie is hosting wwe's first ever celebration of women?

like

it's totally a thing they should do

but we have a heel doing it, so this is going to be shitty

okay, yeah, it's going to be celebrating all women by looking at nattie in particular

because we're all basically her

charlotte's just like yeah whatever i want a title shot

good shutdown

and here's becky to be sarcastic

in a really nice waistcoat

and also challenge for the title

oh, and here's naomi

who can imagine why

in an enormous white pimp robe

sure

i take it back

an enormous multicoloured pulsing pimp robe

she doesn't even get to say she wants a shot before tamina and lana cut in

lana's here to talk about how bitches ain't shit and her client deserves a shot

so nattie has a tantrum outside the ring about all these women overshadowing her celebration of women

here's noted non-woman daniel bryan to weigh in

making the main event a four-way for a title shot

remember when there was more than one angle in the division?

ha

of course you don't

never happened

and up next, new day/hype bros

the building may explode with enthusiasm

after this ad for brock/braun, at least

back in the room, the bros are already here

and the usos are on announce

lovely shot of someone in the crowd joining in with the new day intro but forgetting how many times they've been champs

loving all the match card graphics, where big e is totally doing his best broken matt hardy

meanwhile in the match, mojo steals e's ab stretch spank thing

but yeah, they've announced new day/usos rematch at hiac

like anyone didn't know that was coming

e takes a broski boot, kofi shows he can fuck a team up on his own

zack tries for a rollup, eats a midnight hour for the pin

usos front, new day party, end thing

but now let's go back to the mcmahon drama

leading with a recap of vince getting beat on

and now here's kevin via satellite from what looks like a high school theatre supplies room

still life with canadian, spotlight and big red square, 2017

kevin is sorry for what he did, but it's all shane's fault for making him want to do it

claims to have nothing but respect for vince

he's also apologising in advance for the carnage at hiac

and maintaining that he's the good guy here

end thing

have a graphic for the women's four-way

and an ad for john cena's superhero body spray

which you should not attempt

and now here are the hype bros backstage

mojo is tired of losing all the time

proposes drastic action

but now here's dolph

presumably to complain about gimmicks

which he's made into its own gimmick, so it's only a matter of time before wrestling collapses in on itself

and then i'll have to watch scandinavian crime dramas for this blog or something

daniel's ears pricked up at that

i told you, no cable knit jumpers in my studio

in any case, dolph is now being hhh

"Was that fun? Can I run NXT now?"

and now he has more things

corey is filled with rage and despair

and now he's hbk

except modern hbk

hat and flares, no shades or weird bondage vest

oakland is united in wanting him to do cm punk

dolph ziggler, celebrity impressionist

dolph rants some more, goes back out

and now he's in dx

remember when we had cumbersome overlays as part of entrances

i kind of love it

the dx music is still great, too

dolph rails against dx trying to stay relevant, despite the fact that they haven't been since the late 90s

shouts at the crowd for not appreciating the craft

and he doesn't care about the crowd

cares enough to choreograph numerous elaborate entrances with costumes and props and shit, but hey

and then wanders off

is this going anywhere in particular, or is it just that we had some time to fill?

announce team move swiftly on to hyping no mercy

but next, main event

i'm not optimistic for the chances of the one heel in this match

especially because it's tamina, and she doesn't get to win things

after this ad for 2k18, in any case

back in the ring, becky's already here

but fuck that, let's have an ad for 205

oh, and tamina's already here too

becky at least got music

and here's naomi

showing us that enormous fur robes are actually really hard to dance in

i do like her mismatched eyeshadow though

charlotte's back in one of her dad's robes, which makes a certain amount of sense

i still miss peacock queen charlotte

oh, and lana's lurking at ringside

hadn't noticed

match starts, immediately go to a roman/cena ad

because why bother actually watching the main event

all three faces briefly team up to dunk on tamina, because why wouldn't you

naomi springboard crossbodies charlotte and becky simultaneously, cos she's great

pan out to nattie watching the match and looking smug

naomi gets her submission on charlotte, becky breaks it up so she can disarmher naomi

because submission wrestling goes so well in a four-way

charlotte spears tamina, it's pretty great

and then moonsaults her and naomi simultaneously

i talk a lot of shit about charlotte, but it's good to have her back

becky breaks a figure eight with a leg drop, which seems dangerous as fuck

everyone is dead

becky takes a samoan drop and then a splash from tamina, naomi breaks up the pin in a really cool way, lana pulls her out and gets fucked on, and then something i didn't quite catch put tamina down for a pin by charlotte

oh right

superkicked naomi, then took a big boot from charlotte

she does do a very big boot indeed

so yeah, charlotte/nattie at hiac

feel like we've seen this before

but hey, who am i to expect variation and originality in wrestling

and we fade on charlotte being like fuck yeah my dad isn't dead also something about a match

right, hopefully this'll get posted before no mercy

if it does, hmu on twitter @waruce if you don't already

but for now, i'm off to watch the rest of the week's wrestling before i run out of week

[iv-kplpt]

well that was easy

this one’s kind of hard to explain: basically one evening i came up with an idea for a college au for (telltale) oswald and charlie and (gotham) oswald and jim gordon. my gf told me to write it, so naturally... two cobblepots are cousins. their respective family tragedies never happened. this is a self indulgent base/skeleton text - an outline of sorts that’ll be expanded with some more detailed oneshots.

High above the streets of London Widowmaker was perched on a rooftop, looking for a blind spot in enemy's defenses, for a possible path for Tracer to slip through and make her way to Sombra who was hidden behind the enemy lines, waiting for her chance to disarm them, to render them helpless and defenseless.

„Try the right path.” she finally said. „I don't think they even remember it exists. Through the window and up the stairs. Mind the gap.”

„I'm there!” Tracer announced after a short while. „And I have my bomb.”

„And we all have our stuff, so let's go.” Gordon said, yawning quietly and making his Zarya jump a few times. „Hey, where's Mercy?”

„Safe and sound.” announced Charlie, who was sitting behind Louise's Widow. „And far away.”

„Then time to get our first point.” Louise said, taking a sip of her drink. „Let's go.”

Their plan worked – once Louise activated her visor, she picked the enemy team one by one, headshot after headshot, Charlie boosting her to speed up the process, making their Mercy waste her ult. Then the true fun began; Oswald jumped out of his hideout he was sharing with Vicki – they were dance emoting in the meantime – and EMPed. Gordon did his russian thing and Vicki and Oz ulted at the same time, laughing maniacally, as the enemy team was decimated.

„Works every time.” Vicki said cheerfully, dancing on the point. „Incredible.”

„Communication is the best super power.” Oswald announced, jumping around as Charlie kept trying to heal him.

It was a late Friday afternoon and they were all free, but too tired to actually hang out, so they decided to play some matches together, instead of just yelling at each other on their discord server.

(For once Oz was glad they can't hang out in person. He really didn't feel like bearing Gordon's company that day.)

At first it was just Oz and Charlie online – everyone else was either on their phones or finishing something else, so for a good hour it was just TheWizardOfOz and CherryGum.

„So, how's your week going?” Oz asked, as he was chasing down some unfortunate Genji who had the audacity to try and flank.

„Semi-decent.” she replied, damage boosting him. „I'm probably not going to sleep tonight.”

„Insomnia?”

„No, I'm home alone and I really don't like it.”

„Oh, why didn't you say so earlier?” Oswald chimed in; Oz could hear people in the background, meaning his cousin was probably still on the campus. „You should've come over!”

Yes, Oz thought to himself, she should've.

He liked being around her, seeing her, hearing her. Every little thing she did felt like magic and he loved when she'd come over to have a movie night with his cousin; because when he'd walk into the kitchen the next morning it usually meant she was there with a cup of coffee, still warm and soft from the recent sleep, her hair a mess.

(He never said anything. In fact, he talked to her way less often than he'd like to. She was his cousin's friend first, after all – and someone he was hopelessly in love with second.)

Being in love is nice. Being in love with someone who loves someone else is not nice. Being in love with someone who loves someone else who treats them like shit is fucking awful.

That was seemingly the only thing Oz Cobblepot and Jim Gordon had in common – that and great hair. And nice jawlines.

They were both in love and both of their love interests were already monogamously taken – even though it was a Pulcinella's secret of sorts that their significant others are not doing so great in terms of being decent human beings. One could even argue they weren't good at just being human.

Everybody kinda knew and everybody kinda cared – but when confronted about it, Charlie and Oswald would only roll their eyes and assure the other person everything is fine and that gossips are rarely true.

Or: that was what Charlie would do. Oswald would chuckle nervously and change topic. He was never smooth – he was the awkward Cobblepot. Oz was the charming one.

But no matter how charming he was it wasn't enough for Charlie to really open up to him – she would laugh at his jokes and reply to his messages and send him silly things on snapchat, but she never truly opened up. Never talked about anything substantial, never really talked about what's going on in her life – except for vague mentions of her boyfriend Harry being a-fucking-ok.

(Oz couldn't stand Harry. He couldn't stand him long before he met his girlfriend who quickly became the last thing on his mind before falling asleep and first thing after waking up. There were rumors going around about Harry – and Oz was smart enough to know rumors usually don't come out of nowhere.)

From what he heard, there were also rumors going around about his cousin's boyfriend, Nygma – but those rumors were going around in uncool, nerd circles Oz wasn't part of. Doesn't mean he wasn't concerned about his cousin's wellbeing – but he knew his cousin. He knew the Cobblepot blood. Despite being tiny, awkward and polite Oswald could hold a mean grudge and he sure as hell knew how to defend himself.

Or maybe Oz was just lying to himself, because he knew who's also interested in his cousin. Everybody knew Jim Gordon – a serious, utterly intolerable prep – has hots for the shorter Cobblepot. Not like Oswald's current boyfriend was perfect, no – he was weird and something about him always rubbed Oz the wrong way, but at least he wasn't Jim fucking Gordon.

Oswald's love life wasn't Oz's main concern. His main concern was his own love life – which wasn't heading in a direction he liked.

(If it was heading in any direction at all.)

They met during a lame party, one year earlier. Most of the people were either drunk or high or both and he was in the kitchen, sitting on the table and smoking a cigarette as she entered, her skin covered in glitter and her eyes oddly red.

(He knew this kind of red, he saw it a lot of times from his cousin. It was a sad kind of red. One that came with tears.)

„Oh.” she said after noticing him. „Sorry, should... Should I leave?”

„There's enough room for both of us. Are you... Okay?” he asked, staring at her face. „You've been crying. Do you need help?”

She looked surprised and he kind of regretted asking her that; maybe he shouldn't be so blunt.

„No, it'll pass.” she said finally, smiling lightly; even despite crying there was still a lot of glitter on her face and he could see a tiny foil heart on her pink bottom lip. „You can give me a cigarette though.”

He gave her one and lit it up for her, as her hands were shaking; up close he could see that her lashes were still wet and matted and that there was a small foil star on her left eyebrow. Glitter mixed up with her freckles and Oz thought – putting his lighter back in his pocket – it turns her skin into a painting of galaxies.

„So, what's your name, beautiful stranger?” he asked eventually, as she visibly calmed down.

„I'm Charlie. And you... Handsome stranger?”

He laughed and winked at her and she grinned in response. She had a beautiful smile, a very genuine, bright one that reached her eyes and lit them up.

„Oz.”

They almost kissed during their first meeting, but were interrupted by some drunk strangers. They shuffled away from each other, Charlie visibly more distraught than him; he wouldn't mind kissing her and taking her home with him and sneaking her into his bedroom and then maybe waking up next to her the next day, assuming she wasn't the sneak-out-early-in-the-morning type.

„I think I'll go home now.” he said and got off the table, stretching his legs. „You need a ride? I have a spare helmet.”

„That'd be great... My boyfriend was supposed to pick me up, but... He's not going to.” she said, averting his eyes and nervously toying with the hem of her dress.

So she had a boyfriend. That'd explain why she looked so terrified. Maybe it'd also explain why she looked so sad.

She didn't live anywhere near him and the trip was longer than he expected, but he didn't mind the time spent with her arms around him; he supposed that's the last time he's seeing her anyway, considering they didn't even exchange phone numbers.

(She did seem familiar though. Maybe she was a friend of a friend on Facebook? He couldn't tell.)

One week later his cousin Oswald – his flatmate – texted him after his cooking class, asking if he'll mind him bringing someone over for tea? Oz texted back saying no, of course he won't, as long as they'll stay clear of his bedroom.

He was sitting on the couch in a living room when the door opened and Oswald came in, excitedly talking about how good season 2 of House of Cards was.

„Well, I have to catch up then.” someone said cheerfully and Oz's heart skipped a beat as he turned around on the couch, to see the familiar mass of red waves covering the back of Charlie's head. „I like Kevin Spacey. He reminds me of my dad.”

She put her coat on a hanger and turned around and then she saw Oz on the couch, silently staring at her and her face lit up and it felt like a great weight was lifted off his shoulders.

„Small world!” she exclaimed, walking up to him.

When Oswald left them for a moment she turned around to face him.

None of them mentioned the kiss that almost happened; they did exchange phone numbers though, and Facebook accounts, and some other things.

(She was a friend of Louise. Naturally. That'd explain why she looked so familiar.)

Back to present day Oz kept mercilessly tracking down enemy team's Zenyatta and cornering him before he could do anything about the damage his team was receiving.

„Aw, let that Zen live.” Charlie said and he heard a quiet pop!, meaning she was chewing gum. „He's doing his best.”

„This map is not big enough for two good healers.” he said nonchalantly and she giggled and he could hear Louise and Gordon roll their eyes. „I'm earning you that post-game card.”

„I'm earning it myself, but thanks. Hey, Oswald, is our movie night still a thing?”

„Oh, it definitely is.” Oswald assured Charlie as he was gunning down enemy Hanzo. „Louise, are you still coming?”

„Yeah. I'll bring... Well, something.”

„Don't worry, I'll bake some muffins.” Charlie said, running – or rather flying – for her life away from Mei's Blizzard. „A lot of them.”

„Will there be any left for me?” Oz asked and he heard Vicki typing furiously and then his phone buzzed and a messanger bubble popped up on the screen; he knew what it's going to say.

„I'll save some for you.” she promised him. „Hey Jim, save some for you as well?”

„If it's not a problem.” he said solemnly and Oz winced. „Louise, you're going to bring them home, right?”

„Oh, I'll try my best. Can't promise anything though. Junkrat's sneaking behind us. Whoops. Past tense.”

After the match ended – they won 3:0 and Louise got potg as Widowmaker, prompting the enemy team to throw a hissy fit over „FUCKING ATTACK WIDOWS” - Oz finally read the message Vicki sent him during the match.

YOU THIRSTY IDIOT.

He shrugged. What could he say? She was right, there was no denying – even though he was doing his best to hide it. On good days he'd almost fool himself into thinking Charlie is just a friend of his cousin, a nice girl who sends him memes at 3 am and bakes the best damn muffins he've ever eaten.

But she was so much more than that. She was also taken; and as much as he hated her fucking Harry he never said anything out loud, knowing damn well it'd only be interpreted one way.

That night he thought of her before falling asleep. She was on his mind a lot lately; but that night it was less about the warmth she made him feel with her laughter and more about the way she tilted her head and exposed her neck when lost in thoughts. Less about wanting to make her laugh – and more about her lips parted in a moan.

That night he jacked off to the thought of his cousin's close friend, who was in a committed relationship.

*** Next evening he met her on his way to a boxing match. He was just leaving when she showed up, her cheeks red from the chilly weather and her hair a mess, thanks to wind.

„Oh! You're leaving?” she asked; was that disappointment in her voice? He hoped so.

„Yeah. Things and stuff.” he replied, putting his leather jacket on and picking his backpack up.

„How mysterious! Are you doing something illegal?”

„Very.” he blurted out; he wasn't lying. His matches were illegal.

„Then try to not get caught... Though I'm sure I'd be able to convince Harry to represent you in court!” she giggled and he pursed his lips and nodded and left, his mood completely ruined. Did she have to mention her douchebag of a boyfriend?

Vicki was waiting for him outside the – officially abandonded – building where the match was supposed to be held. She was smoking and offered him a cigarette as soon as she saw him.

„Thanks.” he muttered, lighting it. „How's your day?”

„Could be better, could be worse. How's yours?”

„I'm going to fucking deck someone tonight.”

„That bad, huh?”

She finished her cigarette and crushed under the heel of her boot.

„It's your lucky night then. You'll be fighting Napier.”

„How the fuck do you know?”

„I'm a journalism major, remember. All the right questions to all the right people.”

She crossed her arms and inhaled the cold, sharp air.

„Le's get inside, I can feel my insides freezing.”

He shrugged, got rid of his cigarette and silently followed her.

„How's your cousin?” she asked, as they were entering the building.

„He's having a movie night with Lou and Charlie.”

„Oh, so that's where your bad mood comes from. You're still not over it?”

„Looks like I'm not.”

„You never told me how you actually met her.”

The building used to be a warehouse; it was spacious and relatively well lit. The host set up a makeshift ring there; and other people were starting to slowly flow in.

„Not tonight.” he said shortly. „You have our masks?”

As instructed by the host, every contestant – as well as every spectator – was supposed to wear a mask, to conceal their identity from potential cops masquerading as... Well, not cops.

Vicky patted her stuffed bag.

„Yeah. You sure yours is even admissible? You can stab someone to death with this beak.”

„The host said I can wear it as long as I don't use it to my advantage. Meaning... No stabbing. At least not tonight.”

„Edgy.” she said dryly and he laughed in response.

They parted ways – he put his mask on and joined the other people in a makeshift locker-room, while Vicky stayed behind, as spectators were not allowed anywhere behind the scenes.

Napier – or Joker, as he demanded to be called during nights like this – was sitting on a bench, staring other people down. His skin looked unnaturally pale, as he coated himself in white paint; he never wore a proper, physical mask. Only paint.

„Penguin, my man!” Joker greeted him cheerfully, not moving from his spot. „It'll be my pleasure to destroy you on this lovely night!”

„In your dreams, you freak.” he said coldly, not even trying to hide his disdain. He knew Jack Napier – they studied at the same college, even though nobody was able to tell exactly what is Napier exactly studying. He also knew Napier has his eyes on Harleen – a very sweet, very intelligent psych major who once helped him get away with some of his illegal shenanigans, despite not even knowing what's his name. That was the type of person Harleen was – type of person that needed to be preserved and protected, for they were making the world actually habitable.

And Napier having his eyes on her meant she's about to lose some of this goodness, same way one Esme Midnight and her step-brother Rocco lost their optimism and energy.

Their fight was first that night. Once on the ring, Oz let his body take control – it wasn't his first fight in general and not his first fight with Napier. He knew the drill. He knew the tricks – even though Joker was a one trick pony, his trick being unpredactibility.

As they fought, his mind came back to Charlie, or rather her boyfriend. He was a typical – stereotypical, even – frat boy; it was a miracle his name wasn't Chad. He was a law student, came from a rich family, his parents were friends with the mayor. He was a Republican and a living embodiment of the „boys will be boys” sentiment.

And Oz absolutely, truly, madly, deeply hated his guts.

(It was not a simple jealousy. At least he hoped so.)

Thinking about Harry Spencer did help him win the fight though. Joker never stood any chance.

„Are you sure you're not trying to actually kill Napier?” Vicki asked him after they left; they were going to a bar to get a beer or five.

„I wouldn't cry if that happened.”

„You'd end up in jail. For a long time.”

„Not really, no. Remember, my family's rich. Jail's not an option for anyone with the name Cobblepot.”

„But do you think Charlie would want to hang out with a murderer?” she asked and he groaned, rolling his eyes.

„She's a woman's studies major and Napier's an alleged rapist. I think her moral code might have a blind spot for me killing him.”

„That's... One way to win a girl's heart.” Vicki said, giving him a concerned look. „And the exact reason I don't take dating tips from you.”

„Speaking of dating... How's your grand plan going?” he asked when they reached the bar and sat down in a nearly empty room. „Did you ask her out yet?”

„I did. We have a date tomorrow.”

„And do you think there will be a second one?”

„I fucking hope so, she's...”

Vicki paused and Oz reached to pat her on a shoulder.

„Take your time. I get it. I really do.”

(He meant it. They both knew how hard it can be to find the right words to describe a girl; to fully do their beauty justice. Usually they just settled on „I want to both do unspeakable things to her and make waffles with her, you feel?”.)

After he and Vicki parted ways, he tried to open the door to his flat as quietly as possible, to avoid waking anyone up – but it wasn't necessary, as nobody was asleep anyway. The lights were on and Oswald and his friends were in the living room, talking excitedly.

„Hi Oz!” Charlie said cheerfully as she noticed him walking towards his room. „Join us!”

„Depends on what are you going to be watching.” he said; he was lying. He'd join them regardless of their movie pick.

(He could see she was wearing her pink night gown that exposed her legs and arms. Naturally.)

„Jupiter Ascending! I stand by my opinion, this movie is a masterpiece.”

„And I stand by mine. It's garbage.” Louise said, not looking up from her phone. „Hurry up, Oz. And maybe take a shower. You stink.”

Charlie stopped him as he was about to leave the room.

„Are you hungry?” she asked, weirdly nervously. „I can... Make something.”

„You're a guest, I'm not going to make you cook for me. Besides... I'm a big boy.”

„But I want to cook. Plus I'm going to the kitchen anyway.”

Her insistence made his lips twitch in a poorly hidden smile and he nodded.

„Well, alright. It's a free country.”

As she left he followed her with his eyes. Louise finally looked up and shot him a disgusted, disapproving look.

„Take. A. Shower.” she repeated, accentuating every word. „You filthy bastard.”

(He wondered whether she's referring to the fact he was covered in sweat or maybe the fact he stared at Charlie's bare legs as she was walking towards the kitchen. Both were plausible options.)

When he returned – his hair dripping wet and his head a mess, despite a cold shower – they were waiting for him, the movie about to start; Charlie made him a – perfectly round, perfectly golden – omelette and Louise threw a pillow at him, telling him to at least put a shirt on, to which he flipped her off.

At some point during their third movie, around 4am, Charlie – who was seated on the floor, right next to him, close enough for him to occasionally brush her thigh with his hand on accident – dozed off, with her head leaning on his arm.

From that perspective he could see her long lashes. She looked so peaceful; and the warmth of her skin against his felt like home.

„Should... Should I wake her up?” he whispered to Louise, who was right behind him.

In response, Louise gently kicked her in the back and she woke up almost instantly, her face turning red when she noticed who was her pillow for a short while.

„I think that's it for me.” she muttered, getting up shakily and using his arm as a support. „Oswald, I'll crash in your room.”

„Goodnight!” Oswald said cheerfully, still full of energy, as Charlie left the room, yawning; and Oz remained perfectly still, his arm ridiculously hot where she put her hand.

The next morning he encountered her in the kitchen; still sleepy, not fully awake, slowly sipping her coffee. It was just the two of them; Oswald and Louise were asleep on the couch and Oz could hear their snoring.

„Morning.” he said, opening the fridge and looking inside. „Breakfast?”

„Mmm.” she muttered and he smiled to himself. „I dunno. Give me a sec.”

In soft, morning light she looked almost unreal. One of the straps of her night gown slipped down and he could see the faint outline of her breasts underneath the pastel pink fabric.

„Alright, I'm awake.” she said eventually, seemingly unaware of his wandering gaze. „Now feed me.”

„What do you want?”

„Waffles.” she said firmly. „Crispy and golden. You know how to make waffles, right?”

„Yeah. You taught me that, about... Two months ago.” he said, gathering his ingredients. „Remember?”

„I was sure you forgot.” she said softly and he fought off the urge to turn around and look at her.

The waffles turned out perfect and he found vanilla ice cream in the freezer and made her another coffee; with condensed milk and vanilla, strong and sweet, just how she liked it.

And that was the last time he saw her before everything went to shit.

*** It was a Wednesday afternoon and they were all playing together; „just one match” they kept saying for five games now. It was going well. They were having fun and even Gordon seemed to be way less annoying than usual. Oz could hear Harry in the background of everything Charlie was saying; but she seemed to be in a good mood, so that was all that mattered.

He was playing Hog that evening; he started to – very stubbornly – play him when Charlie offhandedly, jokingly mentioned Hog looks like someone who'd treat her right.

(Nobody commented on it. Nobody pointed out it probably says something disturbing about her relationship.)

She was playing Mercy and the enemy Mei was going after her like her life depended on it; at some point Oz just hooked her away, to make her fuck off.

„God, Oz, I could kiss you right now.” Charlie said, flying up to Louise who was testing out Pharah. „Thanks!”

„Everything for you.” he said nonchalantly, pretending he doesn't see the enemy Soldier sneaking around. „Pucker up, angel, I want that kiss. Or a solo rez. Both will do.”

„A kiss won't potentially ruin the game for us, so yeah. Pucker up.”

And that was the exact moment everything went to shit, meaning: Harry Spencer – Charlie's apparently-fucking-great boyfriend – threw what could only be described as a temper tantrum.

Turned out he wasn't at all a fan of Charlie joking about kissing other people – and they heard it all, because he didn't realize that even though she instantly turned the game off (leaving them hanging, but it didn't matter; they were too concerned to keep playing properly anyway and told the enemy team to do whatever they want) the discord was still running in the background, her good quality mic picking everything up.

Every insult. Every threat. Every tearful apology.

0swald

what should we do???

RaptureFucker

call the cops

WizardOfOz

they'll only make things worse for her. I'm going to pay them a visit.

victoriousvale YOU'RE going to make things worse for her, wtf, stay where you are!

gourdon I'm with him on this one though. Cops won't do any good. Cobblepot, you still there?

0swald

yes

gourdon ...not you. The other one.

0swald

he just left. i can hear his bike, i think he's serious.

victoriousvale he's going to get them both killed!!!!!!

RaptureFucker

vicki

did you know?

victoriousvale about what

RaptureFucker harry being like this

did anyone know?

anyone?

victoriousvale no, i didn't!!! but you heard him!!! if oz will show up at their doorstep now it's going to end up in a fucking bloody mess!!

gourdon

Fine. I'm on it. I'll be there before him. I'll stop him.

0swald

don't kill my cousin!

gourdon I'm not going to fight him, I'm going to talk some sense into him. Gordon out.

When Oz stopped his bike in front of the building where Charlie and Harry lived, Gordon was waiting for him on the sidewalk, his hands in his pockets.

„What the fuck are you doing here?!” Oz snarled at him, trying to get past. „I'm going in.”

„No, you're not. You're going to calm down. And then, you and I... Then we're going to talk.”

Gordon's grip on his shoulder was surprisingly firm. Blinded by fury, Oz grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him close, staring into his infuriatingly calm eyes.

„I'm going in.” he repeated.

„I texted her right before you showed up.” Gordon said, still staring at Oz. „I asked her if everything's alright, because she suddenly logged off. She texted back. Meaning she's alive. And you can't just barge in.”

„Why?”

„What makes you think she wants your help?” Jim finally blurted out. „Do you think that was the first time it happened? Do you really believe it?”

His thoughts came back to the first time he saw her, to the redness around her eyes and the way their lips almost met, the way she put her fingers on his shoulders.

„No.” he finally replied. „No, I don't think that was the first time.”

„Do you want her to leave him, Cobblepot?”

„That's none of your business.”

„Oh but it is. It is my business.”

„What the fuck do you want, Gordon?”

„For you to hear me out.” Gordon replied stoically, still staring him down. „We can help each other.”

„I don't want your help.”

„No, but you need it. And because I don't need yours... This is my first and last offer. Hear. Me. Out.”

„Fuck. Fine.” Oz said, giving up. „The fuck you want?”

„Are you in love with Charlie, Cobblepot?”

„That's none of your fucking business, Gordon.”

„You are then. So obviously, you want to help her, because... She's too good for this situation, right? She doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve her. You want to help her out, maybe you're even hoping she'll leave him for you...”

„What's your point?”, Oz interrupted him, feeling way more uneasy than he'd like to admit.

„I'll be blunt: we both want the same things for two very different people. I'm of course talking... About Oswald.” Gordon finally announced, his voice cracking just a bit. „I love your cousin, Cobblepot. And he's in the same exact shit as Charlie, it's just... A bit less obvious. And I want you to help me get him out of it. In exchange... I can help you with Charlie. I have classes with Spencer. I can work him. Get a confession out of him.”

„And what if I refuse? Will you just... Leave Charlie? In this bullshit?”

„She still has you, doesn't she? But the question is... If your gentle pushes will be enough to wake her up.”

„Are you expecting me to befriend Nygma?”

„What? No, this is out of question. He knows you're Oswald's cousin, he'll never open up to you. No, I want you to employ your less personal skills. Oh, stop making that face, of course everyone knows you've been stealing files.”

They were standing on the empty sidewalk, facing each other; Gordon seemed to be perfectly, unnaturally calm and Oz was still shaking from thinly veiled fury that was making his blood boil.

„We can get confessions out of Spencer and Nygma. We can make Charlie and Oswald face the facts. We can help them make the right decision. We can... We can help them. Ruin the illusion.”

„Fuck. Fine.” Oz repeated, feeling infuriatingly helpless. „Fine. Deal. I'll see what I can find. Maybe he said something to one of his weird friends. I'm still going to try to talk some sense into Charlie though.”

„She won't listen, but fine, have it your way.” Gordon said politely and turned around, ready to leave.

„Hey, Gordon.”

„Yeah?”

„I'm not doing this for you, yeah? I'm only doing this for her.”

„And here I thought you actually care about your cousin.” Jim said mockingly, walking away. „Go home, Cobblepot. Oswald's worried sick.”

He disappeared behind the corner, leaving Oz alone with his thoughts and an overwhelming desire to spill some blood.

*** He next saw Charlie next week, when he was paying Vicki a visit with some beer and sadness. Charlie was there and she was about to leave and he really, really wished she'd stay.

She looked as chipper as always and seemed to be genuinely surprised when he put his hand on her shoulder when they were in the corridor.

„Is everything alright, Charlie?” he asked, looking into her – blue, blue, blue – eyes.

„What do you mean?” she nervously replied,  nervously pressing her bag to her chest.

„With you and Harry. Is everything okay? Because I'm here if you need to vent. If he's... Not treating you right.”

For a moment he was sure she's going to crack. That she's going to let her feelings out. That this was all it took to solve the problem-

but instead she only furrowed her brows and pursed her lips.

„My relationship is my own, Oz.” she said sharply. „Mind your business.”

And just like that she turned around and left, leaving him alone and heartbroken.

„Wow. Real smooth.” Vicki said mockingly, walking out of the kitchen. „See? That's why I don't take dating tips from you.”

„I just want to help her.” he said, setting his beer-filled bag down.

„Then at least be smart about it. Have you talked to Gordon?”

„Yeah. And he told me the same exact thing.”

„But you're not going to listen since it's coming from him, so let me be your voice of reason. Be smart about it, Oz. She doesn't want your help. Make her want it. Make her realize she needs it.”

It all sounded simple and doable, but the truth was – he had no idea how to get around to doing it. How could she not see everything's wrong? How could she not see this is not how she should be treated?

(Even putting his own way of treating her aside – there were still other people. Oswald. Louise. Her other friends he didn't really know all that well. They were all treating her with kindness, because she never did anything to deserve anything less – so why couldn't she see Harry isn't giving her what she deserves?)

But, alas – he tried. Next time he saw her neither of them mentioned her sudden, short-lived outburst; she was all smiles and oh!s again, all charm and bubbliness. He learned his lesson from that one time though, and didn't try to openly talk about it again – at least not with her.

(He talked about her a lot behind her back, mostly with Vicki and Oswald; and Oswald seemed to agree that this situation is bullshit. He even promised to try to talk sense into her, as a friend, as someone who knew her considerably better than Oz.)

Watching Charlie – and remembering every fucking word Harry said to her – made Oz notice a few things about his cousin. He always knew something is up with Nygma; but he never really thought about it, believing his cousin knows what's best for him. He was of Cobblepot bloodline, after all – but their frequent night discussions almost made him look at Oswald the same way Gordon was probably looking at him.

(He and Gordon were in touch, which was weird and felt wrong, but they had to. One time, when Gordon was being particularly annoying with his pestering Oz over his lack of progress in going through Nygma's files, Oz outright asked him what does he see in his cousin?

„I don't know. What do you see in Charlie?” Jim then asked in return.

„She's just... Good. She's gentle. And beautiful.” he said, not sure why is he being so honest with Gordon of all people.

„Here's your answer then.”

For once in his life Oz felt like he has something in common with Jim Gordon.)

Not even once did Oz as much as consider confessing his feelings to Charlie. There was no point in doing so – he was damn sure only she only sees him platonically. The almost-kiss was often on his mind; but that night she was distraught. Maybe slightly drunk (though her breath didn't smell of alcohol and her eyes were clear); and she never sygnalized any attraction to him.

(He knew damn well he's handsome and he knew damn well about his bad boy charm. Didn't seem to be working on her though.)

*** Two months had passed since his late-night conversation with Gordon. Their weird pact was seemingly going nowhere – Oz couldn't find anything on Nygma's drive and Gordon couldn't get anything out of Harry Spencer, despite putting his best douchebag face on.

(Louise, who was also a law student and saw this first-hand confirmed Gordon is really trying to befriend Harry for some reason. His efforts weren't entirely futile – Spencer did seem to be comfortable around Jim, comfortable enough for rape jokes and some slut shaming; but not comfortable enough for truth about his girlfriend. Not comfortable for anything Gordon didn't already know about.)

Oz was alone that night; Oswald was studying with Louise and Gordon at their place and Vicki was writing three papers at the same time. He was alone that night and only had his thoughts to accompany him and – as usual – Charlie entered the picture, all soft and pink and beautiful.

He was just indulging some of his wants (her skin under his fingers her fingers in his hair their breaths tangled together) when his phone buzzed on the table and he blindly picked up, sure it was Oswald with an emergency.

„Oz.” he heard Charlie say, and she sounded so tense and awkward and sad. „Am I interrupting?”

„...no.” he muttered, his hand still moving. „What's up?”

„Can... Can I come over?” she asked hesitantly. „I'm sorry, I know it's so sudden and you probably have plans, but-”

„No, it's not a problem. You can come.” he interrupted her hastily. „Oswald's not home though.”

„I know. I just... Want some company.”

(It almost sounded like she's settling for something less, but he didn't mind. He didn't mind being something less, if it meant being anything at all to her.)

„I can bring some muffins.” she added after a moment. „I'll be there... In an hour.”

„Sure.” he said, closing his eyes. „See you.”

(He had no remorse for jacking off during the call. She didn't know. It didn't influence her life in any way.)

When she showed up he was on the couch in the living room, reading. He took a shower and put on clean clothes; just for her.

„You hair's wet. Did you shower just for me?” she asked, entering the room. „I'm touched.”

„Everything for you.” he said, forcing himself to not look up from his book. „What brings you here?”

„Harry's out and I'm feeling lonely.” she said, sitting down in Oswald's favorite chair. „Are you sure I'm not interrupting anything?”

„You spend so much time here it doesn't even count as coming over anymore, you know. So no. You're not interrupting anything.”

He finally put his book down and looked at her; she looked sad.

„What's eating you?” he asked and she blinked at looked at him.

„What?”

„You look sad. What's eating you?”

„I guess I'm just tired. Long week.”

She wasn't telling him the truth, and he knew that; she was hiding something. But fine. He decided he's not going to push.

They ordered some food; he convinced her to give his favorite place – a small takeout bar ran by a very jolly, very Slavic family – a chance and she seemed to genuinely enjoy the bizzarre wonders of East European food. They binged Brooklyn 99 together – her choice, not his.

About halfway through the second season she turned around to face him. He only had a chance to notice her fingers trembling slightly, before she suddenly threw her arms around his neck and kissed him.

That night she tasted like a weird mix of bubblegum, cherry coke and pierogi; and he didn't want to push her away, even though he knew he should. He didn't want the moment to stop.

He was on his back and she was on top of him, still kissing him, her fingers still trembling; and he could feel something warm and wet on his face.

Tears.

„Charlie?” he muttered, finally breaking the kiss. „You're crying.”

„I know, dumbass.” she said, tears still streaming down her face and falling on his. „Sorry.”

„Hey.” he said softly, slowly sitting up, forcing her to back up a bit. „We should talk.”

„No, I should leave.” she said, averting his eyes. „I... I don't know what happened. Sorry.”

„Don't lie to me.” he blurted out without thinking. „Please. Not to me.”

She finally looked at him and he handed her a tissue and she wiped her tears and then... Then she started talking.

„I'm sorry.” was the first thing she said. „This isn't right. This isn't right, but it's just how I feel. I know a person can love two people at once, I know, but you and Harry... You two are so different.”

(Yeah, obviously – Oz thought – one's not a COMPLETE douchebag.)

„I just... I don't know. Can I be blunt?”

„Of course.”

„You're on my mind a lot lately.” she blurted out, looking embarassed. „When I'm alone. Or not. I think you're hot. And it's been on my mind... A lot. When I'm around you... I feel things I don't feel when I'm around Harry.”

„What do you feel around him?” he asked quietly and she only smiled and shook her head.

„My relationship's my own, Oz. Remember?”

„Yeah, well, it seems like I just became a part of it, want it or not.”

She closed her eyes and sighed and when she opened them again, she looked surprisingly peaceful, even though there were still faint trails of tears on her cheeks.

„Do you think Harry's bad for me?” she finally asked and his heart stopped for a moment.

„Is that a trick question?” he asked carefully.

„Maybe.”

„And do you want me to be honest?”

„I'm not expecting anything less. Not from you. You've always been honest with me.”

„Then yes.” he said finally, giving up on trying to uphold the facade. „I think he's bad for you.”

„Funny thing... I've been thinking exactly the same.”

„Wait, what?” he asked, not fully comprehending what just happened.

She gave him a sad smile and shook her head.

„I love him, but I don't think he loves me. I don't feel loved. I don't feel appreciated. I don't feel wanted. I only feel... Lonely. Useless. Like a prop. A thing. And do you know on whose attention I always could count? Who never failed to make me feel less terrible, who complimented me on my cooking, who kept their eyes on me?”

„No.” he said softly, despite already knowing the answer.

„You. You did. All this time, all these months... You've been filling this void. Just because. Without asking for anything in return.”

(She wasn't entirely right, but he wasn't going to correct her.)

„But why me, specifically? There are other people. You and Oswald seem close.”

„Oz, don't play dumb. I know the truth. Oswald told me.”

„WHAT?”

„We got sad drunk once. I said... I said I wish you saw me the way I see you. And Oswald... Oswald then just looked me, his eyes wide open, like he just heard the most outrageous thing ever, and just said YOU DON'T KNOW?”

(How did his cousin know? How did he figure it out?)

„I know you have feelings for me.” she whispered, putting her hand on his. „I know. And I think... This is what kept me going.”

„Are you going to break up with Harry?”

„I can't.” she replied after a long silence. „I... I don't know how. I don't know if I want to. I keep telling myself... He'll change. For the better.”

„How many times, Charlie? How many times have you told yourself that?”

„I lost count.” she said quietly. „After every argument. Every... Every threat. Every word. But I still love him. I can't just leave him. But I also... I think I also love you. Will you judge me if I stay with him?”

„It's not safe for you. If he'll find out...”

„He won't. Besides... I know I can count on you. Right?”

She brushed his knuckles with her index finger.

„Right.” he said quietly. „So... What about us? What does it make me?”

„Kiss me.” she said instead of actually answering. „It's been so long... Kiss me. Kiss me like I've been imagining you would.”

„Yeah? How exactly?” he asked, giving in, pulling her closer. „Do you want me to be gentle? Rough?”

„Take your pick.” she muttered in response. „Both will work.”

He kissed her gently, tenderly; he could feel her fingers in his hair, on his back, on his shoulders. He didn't want to let her go, not after all these months. And he didn't want to think about what will happen when the sun rises and she'll come back home, to Harry; he was sure they'll find a way to fix this mess, to get her out of it.

(He wanted to message Gordon right here, right now, to tell him Charlie's been aware of everything, to tell him all his efforts to befriend Spencer were actually for nothing).

They only kissed that night, but it was enough. They had time.

*** It took her a month to break up with Harry Spencer, a long, surprisingly painful month. They never mentioned anything to other people; no pet names, no small, casual displays of affection. Just in case. Just to be careful. They were doing a great job at hiding, at only brushing lips when no one was around, at only calling each other „love” when nobody could hear it – but eventually, the truth came out.

Thankfully, it came out to their friends at first. She asked him if he can pick her from appointment at a tattoo parlor and drop her off at a cafe, where she was going to meet Louise; he naturally agreed, saying she can repay him in kisses or muffins, because good god, he loved her muffins.

But she never showed up and wasn't picking up her phone; and when he called Louise to ask if she has any idea what's going on he heard Charlie's in Gordon's room. She showed up on their doorstep, crying, sobbing, and refused to say what's going on, so they wrapped her in a blanket and waited for her to calm down a bit.

„At some point she just... Dozed off.” Louise muttered to him. „And now she's sleeptalking. Something about Harry... And something about you. Jim asks if there's something you want to tell us.”

There was nothing he wanted to tell them – but there was something he had to tell them.

That was the first time he heard Jim Gordon lose his composure.

„ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” Gordon roared at him through the phone. „FUCK!”

„Hey, our arrangement's still a thing. I'm keeping my end of the deal.”

„How could you do this to her?! Do you have ANY IDEA what kind of danger you're putting her in?!”

„She initiated everything!”

„And you're a grown ass man! Why didn't you just say no?!”

„Oh, fuck off, you hypocrite, don't think I didn't see you and Oswald making out in the kitchen two weeks ago. You're the last person who has any right to judge me. Now give Louise her phone back.”

„You made out with her?” Louise said immediately after getting her phone back. „Wow, Cobblepot. Just wow.”

„Look, as for now I'm her side boyfriend. That's just the way things are. How is she?”

„Bad. That was a regular breakdown.”

„Any idea what triggered it?”

„I have two theories. One – Harry threw a hissy fit again. Two – she feels like she's using you.”

„Both equally grim. Should I come over?”

„Heavens, no. She's in good hands. You... Just go home. Oz!”

„What?”

„You're not going to cheat on her, are you?”

„I'm going to say it once. I've been stuck with a serious fucking case of emotional blueballs for months. Months. I'm not going to fuck this up. Have some faith in me, wouldn't you?”

„Fine. I'm calling Vicki.”

(Vicki called him twenty minutes later, but he was on his bike, so he called her back after reaching his building. She picked up and the first thing he heard was her laughter.

„You fucker!” she eventually said. „I knew you'd do it!”

„Always glad to hear how supportive you are.” he said dryly, looking for his keys. „What did Louise tell you?”

„Everything, Oz. Everything, you little homewrecker.”)

All in all, they took it rather well – especially Oswald, who seemed to be genuinely happy for them and very concerned about Charlie's situation.

(When listening to his cousin's excited chatter he kept wondering if Jim already heard what he heard. If Oswald told him about not feeling loved and about Jim filling some void.)

But their friends knowing wasn't an issue. He knew their friends and he knew nothing will get back to Harry – especially not from Gordon, who was suffering through every minute of trying to get closer to Spencer. No, the truth came out in a way nobody expected – Spencer figured it out by itself.

It was a late Saturday evening when Oswald's phone rang.

„Oh! Charlie's calling.” he said an Oz only muttered something in response, busy fixing a paragraph in a paper he was supposed to submit in few hours.

Few moments later Oswald – even more pale than usual – shook Oz's arm violently, turning his phone's volume all the way up.

„What?!” Oz asked with annoyance, but quickly understood. Charlie called Oswald during an argument with Harry – and things were getting ugly.

He went through her phone when she wasn't looking. He went through her phone and found her texts and their discord chat and Oz thanked god Charlie was sensible enough to delete the photo she sent him earlier that week; her freckled skin looked beautiful in the morning sunlight and her black lace bra almost costed him his good composure in class.

„I'm going there.” he said shortly, getting up, walking towards the door. „Call Gordon. Tell him to get a car ready.”

Just like last time, Gordon was waiting for him on the street; but this time he didn't stop him.

„What is going on?” he asked instead. „Oswald didn't give me any details.”

„I'm getting Charlie out of here. And I need you... To stop me from killing Harry Spencer.”

„You picked a wrong man for the job, mate. I want to kill him myself.”

„Tough shit.” Oz said, entering the building. „You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. I can stop you from killing Nygma.”

„What, you found something on him?”

„I've been tracking his online activity and I got something Oswald's definitely not gonna like. It might open his eyes though.”

„Great. But now, let's focus on why we're here.”

The elevator dinged and the doors opened and they were standing right in front of the door leading to Charlie and Harry's place.

„Use that stick you got up your ass as a moral compass, Gordon.” Oz said, opening the door without knocking. „Anyone home?”

Spencer wasn't expecting them, they took him by surprise; after a moment he was lying on the floor and Oz was on top of him, his fingers around Spencer's neck.

„Cobblepot, this is enough.” Gordon said eventually, pushing him away. „Leave him to me. You go get her.”

Charlie locked herself in a bathroom and Oz could hear her muffled sobs from behind the door.

„Babe?” he asked carefully, not sure what to do. „Can I come in?”

„Is Harry alive?” she asked in return and he sighed and glanced at a – seemingly unconcious – Spencer, guarded by slighly annoyed Jim Gordon.

„Yeah.” he said. „What, do you want me to change that? It can be arranged.”

„No!” she replied instantly and he heard her unlocking the door. „I don't want you to get in trouble.”

The door opened and he took a step back and she left the bathroom and he instantly felt his blood boil at the sight of her giant black eye.

„Don't kill him.” she repeated, awkwardly trying to cover the mark with her hair. „Don't... Don't look at me.”

„Can I take you home?” he asked, his fists shaking. „I'm not leaving you with him.”

„Can I pack my stuff? He's... He's going to wreck it. I know it. He told me.”

„Take your time.” Gordon said, still sitting next to Spencer. „If you go with him, I'm sure everything will fit inside my car.”

They hastily packed her things – mostly books and clothes and an outstanding amount of kitchen utensils – and put them all in Gordon's car.

In the meantime, Harry Spencer was slowly starting to wake up.

„What the...” he muttered, trying to get up, but was instantly and firmly stopped by Gordon.

„You fucked up.” Gordon told him calmly, despite not being calm at all. „Big time.”

„Gordon?” Spencer muttered, trying to figure out what's going on. „Bro. What the fuck?”

„I'm not your bro, Spencer. Never was. You guys done?” he asked, looking up at Charlie and Oz, who were moving another bag full of stuff.

„Almost.” Oz replied, effortlessly lifting the heavy bag off the floor and in the background Charlie laughed quietly and asked if he's going to pick her up as well.

„Anytime, babe. Anytime.” he then said nonchalantly and walked past Spencer who was slowly piecing things together.

„You fucking cunt.” he said quietly, angrily as Charlie was walking past him.

„If I were you, I'd watch your tongue, Spencer.” Oz said calmly, squatting next to him with a knife in his hand. „You might lose it.”

„You wouldn't dare.”

„Oh, but I would. And it'd be the greatest pleasure, to cut you into small pieces. But Charlie asked me to not hurt you, so...”

„Do you think she's in love with you, Cobblepot?”

„Doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm going to keep an eye on you, Spencer. So you better watch yourself.”

„Are we done here?” Gordon asked, getting up.

„Almost.” Oz said, not taking his eyes away from Harry's face. „Wait for me outside.”

„What? No! I have one job here and I'm not going to fuck it up.”

„I'm not going to kill him, Gordon. I just want to have a friendly little chat with him. Imagine... There's someone else on the floor.”

„You know damn well that if it was Nygma I'd be the one with the knife. But fine. Have it your way.”

Oz joined them a few minutes later, putting his knife back in his pocket. Charlie didn't notice it, as she was facing the other way; Gordon only raised his eyebrows and shook his head with solemn disapproval.

„So, let's go. We need to put some ice on this eye.”

„You can always kiss it better.” Charlie said hesitantly. „I guess... This is the end.”

„I hope so. You're not going back to him, are you?”

„He hit me. He... He tried to...”

„Do you want me to chop his dick off? It can be arranged.”

„I just want to go home. Can I stay with you and Oswald for a while? I need to call my parents. Figure it out with them.”

„You can stay as long as you want to.” he said softly, handing her his spare helmet. „You can stay forever. We'll figure it out. It's not like money's any problem for any of us.”

„Can we go now?” Gordon asked impatiently, ruining the mood. „I have some stuff to do.”

Back home – where Oswald was waiting, all anxiety and stress and questions – he made her waffles, just the way she liked them. He – gently, carefully – kissed her black eye and put some cold compress on it.

„Hey, Oz?” she said eventually, as they were on a couch, her head on his lap, his fingers in her hair. „I love you.”

„And I love you, beautiful stranger.”

She laughed and he knew that she's going to be alright, one way or another.

[somehow-on]

Notes - 2018

Jews are hipsters, only liking the old books. Christians are bandwagon fans, only into God now that he's popular.

In principle I’m pro-choice, but in practice I’ve never performed an abortion, so I guess I'm a hypocrite.

I like my meat Eddie Murphy-style. (Raw)

I don't have a team. I'm just a spectator calling the balls and strikes as I see them.

A dimwit and a nittit.

Give me.

I don't like sex cause it requires two people. It's basically liking helping someone move, or driving a friend to the airport.

It feels good to know where you are going, even if you do not know and you do not go there. Doubt. Are not sure.

Oh, honey, I have this much fun with everyone.

Kill is a strong word, I prefer to say I “out-competed” them.

Anonymous Grey Figure.

Bright Lights, Dimwits.

“An exchange can be beneficial to more than one party!!!”, I scream as I wring your neck as part of our pareto optimal BDSM.

You think that everyone has their own rich individual life, but if you talk to them for 40 minutes you realize they all have the same one.

xxxxxWomen are only dating their boyfriends to make me jealous.

Is having a breakdown, a jazzy breakdown. Funky.

I'm a chocoholiphile, I can only cum inside a chocolate stout.

More like Washington, I.T. Those clowns. ICP.

If you look at this chart plotting the murder rate over time.. Wait, are you saying TIME is causing these murders?

When you get hit in the groin, it's a Dongy Konk.

Is a pall-caster.

Banter with my fates. With the gods.

The none and only.

Is the opposite of a drama-queen, I'm a comedy-commoner.

In recupery.

There's no higher virtue than suitablity. I want nothing more from the world than to suit me.

It takes a lot of disgusting secrets to appear this sexy.

Who would Jesus want me to kill? Probably him.

Anything that can be destroyed by freedom of choice should be. Isn't worth protecting.

Is sexier than Jesus.

xxxxxHard-won tautologies.

xxxxxGrey-supremecist.

xxxxxMy future-late-wife.

The Bane of my Gotham city.

The best case scenario for a marriage is you die together orgasming, surrounded by your children and loved ones.

Everyday was always going to be a struggle, whether your’s is harder or easier than most is neither comforting nor troubling.

The church of hard knocks.

Indigenous People, or ingens for short.

There's no shortage of ways to be boorish.

xxxxxI'm not just a dime-piece, I'm a conversation-piece.

I eat toilet paper for dessert so I don't have to wipe when I poop.

Pay it backward.

If all you try to hard to be grateful for your bowl of shit, you’ll never go to the fucking store for a bowl of ice cream.

Just play with someone else. Just hang out with someone else.

xxxxxScream while you bleed out.

xxxxxGod bless you and fuck off.

Jesus doesn't exist, it was just your parents dying for your sins while you slept the whole time.

My list for not dying.

xxxxxI don't even have subject permanence.

Is soothing/staving.

Honed anticipations/regrets.

Itty bitty libidity.

Good fences make good wives.

xxxxxI’m a criss-cross dresser, it's my same clothes but I wear them backwards.

Meaning reduces the world, writing away its chaos and uncontrollability. I don't need to understand everything, just my empty surroundings and call that understanding.

Knowing that words are empty can kill their fun, but it can also give us the freedom to redefine them in more fun ways.

Cynicist

People don't really want meaning, they want prizes.

It's like taking babies from a candy store.

Gum, candy, sharp objects.

The solipist and the empath.

Sex is like writing a good mystery novel, it's easier if you start with the ending first, and work back from there.

I’d like to settle down and start a family, I just haven't met the right baby yet.

People want to feel valuable.

All of human intellect is an elaborate device for convincing others to give you shit / do things for you.

Image is important because without it you’re invisible.

If you put yourself within spitting distance of enough people you’ll eventually be spit upon.

Structure unstructured problems. List, rank, iterate.

Backwards-looking punitive justice versus forwards-looking best available decision making.

Movable bedroom/living room apartments that plug into bathroom/kitchen units. Lower the switching costs of changing apartments.

Just the none.

Dribble-down sex-onomics.

Pussy nerd.

Banana bread: flour, baking soda, butter, sugar, eggs, bananas, cinnamon

I don't have sex, I make whoopee.

Limited Liability Cool J

xxxxxEver tried, ever failed. No matter, try again, fail again, fail ever.

Moral suspicions.

Ambivuous

Control your breath, control the world.

Medium Hap. Average Hap.

Nietzsche in the streets, Derrida in the sheets.

James Vandercreek.

The real magic was the gatherings we made along the way.

xxxxxOaken Promises.

The day you slid out of your mother's DM’s.

My hard-won defeatism.

It takes a lot of effort to look this tired.

xxxxxHeavy-pegging.

xxxxxI don't tell dad jokes, I tell DILF jokes.

Tis better to go bear-mauled than palled-bare.

I only listen to dubstep remixes of lenord Cohen songs.

Selfless hedonist.

Yadda, yadda, blah. Blah, blah, yadda.

I don't believe anything because why bother.

Your house is burning down and you only have time to put one thing in it, what do you pick?

I don't like hurting people, but neither do I like being kind to them.

Fuck you, mommy and daddy!

Frampton is God.

Is self-compelled

I do all my own stuntin.

It's an expensive country.

Give us this day our daily spray.

Let me get those knuckles, girl.

Richie Richiculous.

xxxxxThe DM is the message.

What we need to talk about when we need to talk about Kevin.

Done with porn, getting into peeping.

xxxxxNate, short for Natherine.

Grana. Clothes.

Collecting dirt.

Gun’s rights.

I'll put my nose to the rails.

Everything is masturbating.

Calculus: love it or liebnitz.

You can stop, but you can never slow down.

A spoonful of cinnamon helps the medicine go down.

xxxxxDon't even talk to me till I’ve had my siesta.

Obvious state.com

Are you good in bed? Eh, I mostly hold my own.

Kaiser request records: 510.752.6026

Make America grey again.

Take a long jump off a tall pier.

Brutulful. Beutulful. Brutulful.

A hunk of hard beef.

Snowflake hot-takes.

Let go my prego.

I talk to god, but the motherfucker never listens.

You can't make an omelette without breaking a few hearts.

Love and spite. Lust and spite.

A casket is just a smaller box.

I don't want to be happy I want to be wealthy.

Chops are made to be busted.

Cynical depression. Cynical-strength.

The value of nothing.

Nihilistical.

The war on shrugs.

Ethan Hawke-type seeks Julie Delpy-type for Before Sunrise-style whirlwind romance, drunken park-sex, ghosting for 9 years.

Let them eat shit.

Beodine soundclash

xxxxxExploring the reward-space.

xxxxxReward ho.

Hermetically Sealed.

I can drive inside the lines.

Cloud 11. It's two clouder, innit?

The problem with people is they think words are real.

Spacebar Cowboy.

A don't believe in words.

Flat Stan Lee #trivia

Adult onset birthmark.

Shorty Boom Boom.

xxxxxEven a rooster tells time once a day.

I like my woman like I like my cocoa, a Swiss Miss.

Some diggity. Diggity, diggity.

There is a high correlation between correlation and causation. #trivia

Do not suscitate.

xxxxxFavourite US president? Probably Jefferson...Davis.

Other people's qualia.

Denzel Dryington. Denzel Washinfold.

I am what I aim.

[justinmoviereviews]

The Class of 2016

This will be updated, and reviews are subject to be totally meaningless. Sometimes I just don’t feel like writing about a movie, ya know?

Free State of Jones - Gary Ross

This movie looks amazing. I’ll be honest, I didn’t pay a lot of attention. It’s really long. Matthew McConaughey frees the slaves, or something. It looks and sounds great. It made me want to live in the south. Anyway, with this I’m done obsessively watching movies from 2016. I don’t think there were any masterpieces from last year, but it definitely popped out a couple really solid movies. I'm not so into rankings, but here are my top six, and they are truly in no order at all. These are just the six movies from last year that I would hang on my wall:

The Lobster Manchester By The Sea Everybody Wants Some! Green Room Hell or High Water Moonlight

Hacksaw Ridge - Mel Gibson

You can skip the first hour of this--we probably don’t need another movie where a guy falls in love with a girl and then holds firm to his convictions, especially when it’s done in a way as hackneyed as this one is--but the second half is awesome. The ultra-bloody war movie you’d expect from the guy who made a snuff film about Jesus.

Hidden Figures - Theodore Melfi

Say this for these kinds of movies: they’re getting better. The black characters have more agency, the white characters are less benevolent. At the very least, this movie seems like it was edited by someone with a good handle on why inspirational Hollywood stories about black people so often feel like they’re designed to make white people feel good about themselves. In this movie a black character flips out at her unfair treatment in a room full of white people, the titular figures solve their own problems without the help of benevolent crackers, and Kevin Costner’s colorblindness stems less from some future anachronistic moral code than from his being too obsessed with his project to notice anything else. This is a perfectly adequate crowd pleaser, and it’s not offensive. Take your girlfriend.

Suicide Squad - David Ayer

Comic book origin stories are so stupid. In the real world, government agents don’t pitch presentations on recruiting super heroes, because in the real world there aren’t super heroes. I might like these movies better if they didn’t try to take place in the same planet where people file w-4s. Maybe it’s Christopher Nolan’s fault for doing it semi-plausibly. Whatever. I’m not a comic book guy. At all. An airplane is the only setting in which I will ever watch this movie from beginning to end. But I like Will Smith a lot, and I like Margot Robbie.

The Accountant - Gavin O’Connor

Ignore the haters. This movie rocks. 

Ghostbusters - Paul Feig

Ignore Milos Yiannopoulos’s pedophile ass. This movie rocks.

Florence Foster Jenkins - Stephen Frears

Eh, they’ve made worse. Stephen Frears really seems to like old ladies.

The Magnificent Seven - Antoine Fuqua

Any movie that has Chris Pratt avoid death by performing card tricks is not going to be as cool as it wants to be, but this is a fun movie to watch. I’m always gonna go with the half-assed western over the half-assed comic book movie. And Denzel Washington can still do this shit better than anyone even when it’s in between takes of Fences.

Hell or High Water - David Mackenzie

Killing Them Softly is a movie about a bunch of underworld criminals tightening their belts and pumping their auditor to save money in a down economy. It’s soundtracked by political speeches from the 2008 Presidential election. It’s one of my favorite movies in recent memory. I’m a sucker for flicks that foreground the sociopathic nature of the banking industry as a regular feature in American life. I’m also a sucker for westerns, and for manly movies where everyone is an alcoholic. This is so much smarter and more controlled than it needed to be. It’s a minor masterpiece.

The Founder - John Lee Hancock

Nobody is better at playing a regular-ass uncharismatic scrub than Michael Keaton. Not Matt Damon in the Informant! Definitely not George Clooney in the Descendants. This might be the first straight biopic I’ve ever actually liked. A middle class striver opportunes himself into a goldmine, and eventually becomes successful enough that he can start acting like a shithead.

Nocturnal Animals - Tom Ford

This movie starts to fall apart about 20 minutes after you finish watching it--a dark thriller about a guy standing up his ex-wife on a dinner date? But in the world where style trumps substance, this is a masterpiece. Dark, foreboding, atmospheric, with a great cast and a killer score. Was a strong contender for trailer of the year. Michael Shannon should be in every movie.

Everybody Wants Some!! - Richard Linklater

Linklater splits the difference between his love of the pseudo-intellectual conversation and his unparalleled ability to show young adults hanging out. The baseball team’s voluntary summer practice is easily the best scene of the year. His best movie since Dazed and Confused.

The Lobster - Yorgos Lanthimos

The dialogue--and the movie--is like someone breathed life into stick figures and forced them to fuck or face unspeakable consequences. There’s a lot of “do you like the beach? I like the beach because I like looking at the ocean. I’m glad you also like the beach,” like these characters aren’t human but are desperately trying to fake it. Too weird and too singular to be the movie of the year, but I had a huge grin on my face during every batshit second of this.

Sausage Party - Conrad Vernon and Greg Tiernan

Let’s be honest, no one gets a freer pass than Seth Rogen. Once upon a time studios considered the big budget comedy a viable genre, and gave careers to people like Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell and Mike Judge, all joke-writers who, at their laziest, were pound-for-pound funnier than Rogen is (except for Sandler, who for the past 20 years has been less funny than the average Geico commercial). For better or worse I spent my teenage years quoting movies like Super Troopers and Detroit Rock City. Does anyone quote Superbad? Or This Is The End? The funny thing about my back is...I guess.

Having Judd Apatow’s affection didn’t used to be enough to monopolize a genre, is what I’m saying. And yet, there’s a pretty huge but coming. Because I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. Seth Rogen has a gift for premises that none of those other joke-writers did. At heart he’s a very smart art nerd. He’s not really that funny. He relies way too much on dick jokes and swearing. But he’s figured out how to lean on his funny friends. And with Sausage Party, he’s figured out how to emulate the topsy-turvy cleverness of Pixar, and turn it into something as watchable as any of the movies they make.

The Birth of a Nation - Nate Parker

There are better movies, but it’s never gonna get old to watch slaves murder slave owners in the antebellum south. 

20th Century Women - Mike Mills

A movie of tiny moments that point to a specific moment in the lives of five people and the intricacy of their relationships. It identifies the profundity of little moments better than Boyhood, and the characters are as well sketched as any others in any other movie I can think of. So Jesus, why do I feel so cold about it? Is it because there’s a political sourness I can��t shake away? Because it feels kinda like Mike Mills wants points for being a real feminist? When this movie feels like a coming of age story, or a story about five people bouncing off each other in well-meaning but not-entirely-beneficial ways, it’s as good as it gets. When it feels like the next step in men writing deep female characters so the Huffington Post genuflects to them, I’m out. Or maybe I just don’t always give a shit about coming of age stories anymore. It’s one or the other.

Sully - Clint Eastood

Sooner or later, after he’s alienated the last living millennial by campaigning for President Trump in 2020, Clint Eastwood is going to shuffle off this mortal coil into whatever Valhalla awaits his generation of stoic American men, and we’re really going to miss him. He tells unfussy stories about uncomplicated heroes living in a decent world with clear cut moral guidelines. Here he turns a high-stakes true event into a medium-stakes story about a guy doing his job well. This is his best late-period movie.

Love and Friendship - Whit Stillman

Fans of Comedy Central may be familiar with a show called Another Period, where comedian Natasha Legerro plays a comically horrible social climbing society woman from some manored century, in a send up of Jane Austen costume dramas that nonetheless carries a feminist streak because of how put upon the women are. I occasionally have it on while I do other things, and I don’t dislike it. Like many late-night alt-comedy shows, it could be great with a bigger budget and more ambition attached to it. As I was first typing this review up, I accidentally wrote Another Period at the top instead of Love and Friendship.

Cafe Society - Woody Allen

Woody Allen has so mastered the epiphany that life doesn’t exist on a moral plane that even when he is on the autoest of autopilots he still handles the observation with profundity (Hannah and her Sisters is his philosophical masterpiece, and I would say unquestionably his best movie). This movie is very much on the autoest of autopilots, and Allen still is a writer first and a director second, but this is good territory for him. On the acting: Steve Carrell is funny and charming and seems like a great guy, but he’s not always a good actor, and he’s miscast here. Jesse Eisenberg is ehhh as the moderately more handsome young Woody Allen character (he kills the movie’s comic highlight, where he meets a first-time hooker). Kristen Stewart is the best actor here, handling second-rate Woody dialogue not as an Annie Hall or as a Kristen Stewart, but as a character of her own creation. 

The Neon Demon - Nicolas Winding Refn

Refn wants to make sound and light shows. He doesn’t want characters, he wants mannequins. He doesn’t want plot, he wants to set up perfect shots. I ultimately came out high on Drive, but made fun of it for being Eurotrash. Now I realize it was more like his version of a studio compromise. This is the kind of movie Refn wants to make--the kind of movie so devoid of external input that Keanu Reeves showing up as a pedophile murderer qualifies as fan service. I can see Refn thinking this is his masterpiece. I can’t imagine a single other person on earth actually riding for it.

The Witch - Robert Eggers

Religion is more fun to ponder than to hate on, which is why Silence is a more interesting movie than the Witch. This movie can and should be weirder and scarier than it is, but it spends too much time showing it’s family devolve into superstitious madness and not enough time bringing home that fucked up bacon. It needs more bleeding goats, is what I’m saying. But stay for that ending, because it’s a good one.

Silence - Martin Scorsese

There are times, during some of Andrew Garfield’s narration, or when the camera flashes to a photo of a suffering Jesus, when this movie starts to veer into Bergman territory--Silence is the most Bergmanish movie title since Shame--but Scorsese doesn’t really make art films in that way. His movies are more literal, more grounded in plot, their darkness is violent and visceral. One could argue that a movie like this is more subtle than anything made by the Swedish depressive. One could also argue that it just has less going on. It’s a tough one, not that it’s hard to watch, but it’s hard to comprehend. As for the easy stuff--it looks great, the acting’s great, the writing is smart as hell (and I can’t emphasize that enough. There’s a character who serves as both a figurative mind-fuck and as goofy comic relief). Still kickin’ around at 74, nobody is better at making these things than Marty is. The question the movie asks, I think, is that it’s easy to die on the cross for God, but letting other people die for him? That’s a whole lot harder. And if he isn’t even there? Well then, you’re a terrorist.

La La Land - Damian Chazelle

If this weren’t the runaway Oscar favorite, I wouldn’t have seen it. The question is, would anyone have? If something is getting raves from smart people I assume it’s good, and if it doesn’t look good than I assume it’s subversive somehow. So what is this? A throwback. Damian Chazelle is the only guy right now making movies inspired by “Singin’ in the Rain.” I mean, see this one a theater and yeah, it’s a good time. But don’t buy it or call it the best movie of the year or anything. That’s crazy.

Moonlight - Barry Jenkins

If we weren’t starved for movies about black people, would this movie be so canonized? And if it wasn’t so canonized, would anyone have seen it? Kind of this year’s boyhood, where seemingly random moments in a person’s childhood may or may not be key life-shaping events. What’s most impressive is how the moments depicted are both good and bad. This isn’t Precious. It isn’t some poverty-life horror show. Here’s a kid burdened by vulnerabilities living a sort-of normal life told in vignettes. Poignant. Kinda boring though.

Fences - Denzel Washington

Denzel Washington reading the phone book would be a good movie, which is good, because this movie is basically him reading a phone book. Just kidding! The first hour is perfect--immaculate acting, phenomenal writing, compelling story-telling. The second hour lost me. This is a movie (or play) where the main character tells his wife that he’s impregnated his mistress and that he plans on staying with her. Okay. Then, after his mistress gives birth she dies on the operating table. The main character is devastated, but truthfully, for both him and the story, what incredible good luck!

Allied - Robert Zemeckis

This is a bad movie for two reasons: the plot and the acting. The plot--what if my wife’s a spy? Oh no! She is!--is surprising, but not in a good way. The acting is a bigger problem. Brad Pitt is the coolest guy in Hollywood, probably one of my five favorite actors, and capable of really good stuff, but when you give him traditional leading man roles and don’t figure out how to make him be interesting in them, he’s incredibly dull. Benjamin Button had this problem. Allied has it even more.

Manchester by the Sea - Kenneth Lonergan

I don’t think a single person reads this blog but I still don’t want to spoil this movie so I won’t talk about the ending. But holy fuck. The definition of a slow burn, as in you’re gonna fall apart in the car halfway home from the theater. Best Oscar bait movie of the year for sure. Maybe best movie of the year.

Inferno - Ron Howard

I have never read a Dan Brown book, but the Da Vinci Code is my favorite TBS movie, and Angels and Demons is probably my second, so it gives me no pleasure to tell the truth here, which is that this movie sucks.

The Girl on the Train - Tate Taylor

I am still baffled by Gone Girl the movie, mostly because it isn’t good, so give this one credit for being the pulpy garbage Gone Girl pretends it isn’t. But the more I thought about this movie, which I very much enjoyed at the time, the more sour I got. It’s pulpy garbage, redeemed in part by Emily Blunt who pulls a Jake Gyllenhaal in Nightcrawler and crushes this role like Steve Smith crushed the Panthers after they cut him.

Arrival - Denis Villeneuve

Oh no, I’m already getting bored of writing these. The New Yorker’s review of this movie is perfect and I wouldn’t disagree with any of it. This is a movie that sets its premise up perfectly and then yada yadas over the entire substance of its plot. I still score it very high though, because the twist is borrowed from my favorite Kurt Vonnegut novel, and because I love the way the aliens look.

Midnight Special - Jeff Nichols

Jeff Nichols hasn’t made his masterpiece yet, but he’s in danger of becoming my favorite director. If he turns Michael Shannon and Joel Edgerton--two guys great at exploring the decency of masculinity--into his regular acting troupe the danger gets even greater. I watched this one on a plane, which is the worst setting possible to watch a movie with a substantial portion of its budget devoted to its special effects, and the ending rings a little underwhelming (would be better on a normal-sized TV) but nobody does male characters as well as Nichols. Also, and look for this refrain whenever he shows up in a movie, nobody in Hollywood right now is more interesting or exciting than Adam Driver, even in this role, which kinda short-changes him.

10 Cloverfield Lane - Dan Trachtenberg

Another airplane watch, and another movie I come to praise for its acting and then complain that the special effect ending didn’t work on me. There are questions without answers in this movie which bugs the hell out of me, but I’m glad to see my man from the Newsroom and the girl from Scott Pilgrim getting work. Mostly, I’m glad to see one of our finest actors, John Goodman, play someone other than a dad. Let me explain to you something the Coen brothers already know: It is long, long past time for the Goodmanaissance. He should have five Oscars for his performance in the Gambler alone.

The BFG - Stephen Spielberg

Classic kid’s book becomes movie kids will like.

Our Kind of Traitor - Susanna White

Dud Le Carre novel becomes forgettable, poorly directed movie. High point: Stellan Skarsgard, and you get to see his penis.

The Shallows - Jaume Collet-Serra

Hollywood is as snobby and irrationally biased as anyone, but take away the budget and the spectacle and this movie isn’t that different than the Revenant. I mean that is a compliment, I liked both movies a lot. But while the Revenant won Leo his Oscar--something not even Scorsese could do--this one is never going to escape its proximity to Sharknado and its T&A qualities. Blake Lithely, last seen trying to score Oxy from Jon Hamm, equips herself very well.

Sing Street - John Carney

Irish mise-en-scene is great, music’s even better, the older brother relationship is fun and sweet and might even choke you up. There are plot issues you’re a dick for bringing up, but they’re there. Apologies. Also, if you haven’t, go see the Commitments.

The Nice Guys - Shane Black

Ryan Gosling was the revalation here which is weird to me because he’d already showed off all these tricks in the Big Short. He’s better there, in my opinion, and Russell Crowe as the pudgy decent badass is who really carries the day. Hannibal Burress shows up as a bumblebee in the greatest cameo since whenever the last time Tom Waits showed up in a movie. This one starts with a ton of promise, and gets increasingly rote until by the end the heroes are in the same shoot out Shane Black’s been making for 30 years. Funny though, and if they make a sequel I’ll see it.

The Forest - Jason Zada

I briefly belonged to a gym with a big dark room where a bunch of treadmills pointed towards a giant screen TV, and they’d show movies. Sometimes they’d show real movies like A Force Awakens and Concussion (which I never caught all of so I won’t review here but the parts I saw were surprisingly damn good), and sometimes they’d show cheap direct to video horror movies, like a movie about a house break-in that I’m positive was financed by a home security company, and this one. I actually liked this one, purely because it looks real good and it takes place in the Aokigahara Forest in Japan, which I’d never heard of before but got really interested in.

Green Room - Jeremy Saulnier

A grindhouse flick with Patrick Stewart nicely underplaying a psycho neo-nazi, this isn’t as good as Blue Ruin--one of the best movies of the past five years--but it’s pretty damn good.

The Jungle Book - Jon Favreau

There’s a scene in this movie where Scarlett Johansson plays a snake that alone is worth the price of admission, even at the bumped up 3D price. The movie doesn’t ever get that dark again, but the fact that someone had the idea to Dark Knight up the Jungle Book, and it worked as well as it did, is flabbergasting. 

Hail, Caesar! - Joel and Ethan Coen

I don’t know how people who aren’t inclined to like every Coen brothers movie feel about this one--my mom and sister hated it--but I loved it. Weird, goony, centered around a bizarre communist subversion subplot that ultimately means nothing, this is the Coens at their not-giving-a-fuck best. In fact, skip La La Land and watch this subversive throwback to Hollywood’s gilded age instead. It’s way more fun and way more evil, and stars the god Josh Brolin.