#kind of going off the 'they were designed to be performers' thing scott mentioned in the books

[glambots]

It's hard to explain. Hm. I meant like just in the pizzaplex as robots, I guess? But I guess it doesn't really matter since their personalities would be about the same in most AUs.

Oh, you mean like, how I interpret their personalities! Okay, okay, okay. It's a little complicated and I'm going to have to keep things as short as possible or else I'm going to write you a fucking dissertation on these two:

(I also apologize in advance for these being so dark, I have been in. An angsty as hell mood lately. What is going on.)

Sundrop: A self-loathing, try-hard, desperate, tightly wound, resentful, constantly afraid for his life, wracked with guilt, lowkey-highkey hates his job and (most of) his coworkers, "fake it till you make it" type. Lowkey-highkey despises the Glamrocks for their popularity, hates running a Daycare, would throttle almost all of his human coworkers if he had the chance. Any semblance of kindness is taken with a grain of salt, but repeated acts absolutely flip his "kind of obsessively desperate to keep you around please don't leave him" switch.

Moondrop: Genuinely believes he is a villain, because he was designed to be that way. Loves scaring people, because it's really the only way he can get anyone to acknowledge that he exists. But everything he does is just a performance. He hides behind the mask he puts on. All the world's a stage. Fear the Moon, love the Sun. It's all he knows. Anything else...he's unsure of how to handle. His instinct is to try and push you away through his usual tactics. But if you stay, just know that he'd kill for you. This is not an exaggeration.

[lazywhispersobject]

Review: ‘Madame Web’ is actually a good movie. Yes, really.

I'm not gonna lie: while I was heading to the theater, I was concerned going into “Madame Web.” The majority of X, formerly known as Twitter, users seemed to be against what they saw as meager storylines and weak writing, characters, and performances, especially compared to other Sony/Marvel superhero movies, so I was hesitant. I was expecting “Madame Web” to be a lot worse than it was, but a few good performances and strong found family themes elevate “Madame Web” above some lesser Sony/Marvel superhero movies.

Columbia Pictures’ “Madame Web” was released in theaters on Feb. 14 and follows Cassandra Webb (played by Dakota Johnson), a paramedic in New York City. Webb finds herself having to protect three teenagers from Ezekiel Sims, a murderous adversary with superhuman powers who is hunting them.

“Madame Web” is set in 2003 and sort of pays homage to the conventions of the comic book movies of that era. The muted color palette and minimalistic special effects are all designed to remind viewers of movies like 2002’s “Spider-Man” or 2003’s “Daredevil.”

Also, like many of those movies, Webb is depicted as aloof and antisocial, with her friend having to drag her to social gatherings. Occasionally, with these characters it doesn’t feel realistic, but Johnson really sells it which makes it all the better when she finally finds her chosen family.

The other star of “Madame Web” is Adam Scott. I’ll admit that Scott and his glorious deadpan was half of the reason why I actually watched the movie in the first place, and he absolutely killed it as Ben Parker, a name most Spider-Man fans will recognize.

That’s the other thing about Sony’s recent Spider-Man Universe — it doesn’t have Spider-Man, but it gets really close. Sony is trying to convince people that its movies are in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but they’re not. It is this confusion that is driving audiences away from its movies after films like “Morbius,” which was both a critical and commercial failure. It’s a shame too, because with better marketing more people might be able to actually enjoy this movie.

I mentioned that Adam Scott was half the reason I wanted to watch “Madame Web,” the other half was because of Isabela Merced. Merced, known for her starring role as Dora the Explorer in 2019’s “Dora and the Lost City of Gold,” brings layers to the role of Anya Corazon, who was my favorite of the three girls. The A-plus-student Corazon was one of my favorite characters in the 2017 “Spider-Man” animated series. Still, Merced portrays her as more than just an intellectual here, which I appreciated.

Sydney Sweeney and Celeste O’Connor were okay as Julia Cornwall and Mattie Franklin, but the script doesn’t give them much to do other than be a goody-two-shoes and a rebel, respectively.

The writing for “Madame Web” is kind of basic. The hero gets powers that she can’t control, finds the other main characters and must come into her power to save them – it’s all been done before. I am willing to forgive it, though, because of the ending.

I’m a sucker for the found family trope. It’s one of my favorites and “Madame Web” is a great example of it. Webb is initially reluctant to save the girls, but after learning that their real families have abandoned or left them, she takes it upon herself to protect them. By the end, Webb accepts Corazon, Cornwall and Franklin as her chosen family.

The villain in “Madame Web” is also bland. Sims sees a vision of Corazon, Cornwall and Franklin killing him, which is fine, but what I don’t get is why he doesn’t just try to talk to them first, instead of going right to hunting them.

I also thought the dialogue mixing for him was off. Whenever he spoke in voiceover, it sounded much deeper than his actual voice.

There was a lot of good humor in “Madame Web.” Johnson and Scott have a good rapport as Webb and Parker, with Scott stealing the spotlight in every scene he is in. The girls also have good chemistry.

The music was surprisingly good. I appreciated the use of Britney Spears’ “Toxic” as a plot device, and Tiffany’s cover of “I Think We’re Alone Now” was also appropriate for the scene, because they were, in fact, alone.

Unlike most of X, I actually enjoyed “Madame Web.” If you ignore what people on the Internet say, maybe you will too.

by Tyler D'Errico - The Collegian

"Cassie"

Madame Web premiere

[2o3dinge]

The pandemic brought us Farrelleto back (kinda): 2021, the year of The Batman and House of Gucci and faked Italian accents

2021/22 was a Farrell/Leto year first and foremost due to the stellar make-up work by Mike Marino (@ prorenfx on Instagram) and his frequent collaborator Göran Lundström (@ effexstudios_goran) who created the stunning masks for Colin's Penguin and Jared's Paolo. The Batman shoot ended about the time that House of Gucci's started, so for Lundström these were back to back jobs. Because of their unrecognizable appearances in their roles, Colin and Jared were constantly mentioned together on social media for the most part of 2021/22. That was fun while it lasted.

By now, I think that it's not quite a coincidence. If you listen to Jared and Colin, you might get a feeling that they, too, talked about it — with each other…

Jared Leto about “the idea of a mask” I’ve heard about actors who didn’t have the character until they put on the shoes. In this case, I was sent the script for another part; when I read the script, I really connected with this character and I saw a lot of opportunity for heart and humor. Once I started doing the research, I [knew] this was going to be a pretty intense transformation. And I love immersive work. I love the idea of a mask. In the earliest theater, actors would wear masks. It’s not only a disguise — a mask also reveals. My job is to create a life behind the mask, and Göran’s job is to find humanity in the mask. It’s not just about how well he puts together some chemicals or chooses the right colors. It’s really about creating an individual. THR, December 7, 2021

Jared Leto about taking the chance to channel his own grandfather in House of Gucci The Dallas Buyers Club Oscar winner — who is speaking to Screen International prior to the death of that film’s director Jean-Marc Vallée — was originally considering a different part in House Of Gucci, but after reading the script fell in love with Paolo, the black sheep of the Gucci family who ends up turning on his relatives after his dreams of becoming a designer are thwarted. “I could relate to Paolo’s desire to be taken seriously as an artist, his desire to be heard, his desire to create something special and share it with the world,” says Leto. “He reminded me a lot of my grandfather, who had a kind of mischievous charm to him and was gregarious and full of life and laughter. In my life I can be quite reserved and quiet unless I’m on stage [with his band 30 Seconds To Mars], so I love that Paolo was virtually singing and dancing all the time.” Screendaily, January 2022

Jared Leto about having permission to “go completely fucking crazy” on set Leto let Scott know that he wanted to work with him years back at the 2003 Morocco Film Festival. They’d run into each other. And Scott was on the set of “Blade Runner 2049.” After asking to play Paolo instead, Leto spoke to Scott on the phone. “I basically told him I was going to go completely fucking crazy if we were going to this,” he said. “He was going to have to take the cuffs off and let the lunatic run around the asylum, in a way.” IndieWire 2021/2022

Colin Farrell talking about all the things Jared Leto talked about — the idea of masks, shadows and having the permission to let loose without judgment Look I only had as I said five or six scenes or seven scenes, and I wasn't quite I was at the early stages of looking at what I felt, I could do or bring to it, I was at a bit of a loss and then when I saw what Mike did, the whole character made sense to me, I swear to God, I saw what he did, and I just went okay, okay, and I got really excited about this all that to say that most of — if anyone ever thinks what I do in Batman is a decent performance, I'll gladly take 49% of the credit, I — honest to God, I'm not—I’m not joking you, cause there's — you know mask work? And like Jung used mask work and certain eastern philosophies have used mask work, it’s a very powerful way to allow the shadow to have permission; the shadow that exists in all of us to have permission because you're aware that you're not gonna be judged, that you feel protected from, you know, the awful rule of judgment that man inflicts upon each other. Well, that's gone and so the sense of I—you know, conventional logic would say, maybe with a full face covering you, that it would be limiting that it would, you would feel constricted… it was 100% the opposite! It was so f—damn liberating, it was so liberating, and I felt so free, and I felt like, and I may be proven wrong, I felt like it was impossible to be too big — cut to: Farrell is too big— but like I had such, Mike gave me such permission to just explore you know behaviors by the brilliance of the work that he did, Mike Marino… Happy sad confused Podcast, July 2021

It’s not only that, but Colin and Jared approached their characters, Oz and Paolo, similarly - the kind of similar I perceive as essentially the same ...

Colin said Oz is a variation of Fredo from the ‘Godfather’. Fredo served as “emotional reference”.

Jared conceived his Paolo as a mixture of his own “cheeky” grandfather - which he admits - and the real Gucci imbued with Fredo-like motivation.

It makes a lot of sense, for both!

Also on a personal level in regard to Colin’s and Jared’s struggles to be taken seriously as artists, one of the great themes of both of their careers, I figure.

It’s kind of amusing to think about Al Pacino playing Jared’s father in HoG, so the ‘Godfather’ inspiration went full circle ;)

[sinvomits]

Lovefool Swing - Chapter 1

Pairing: Cho Sang-woo x Ali Abdul

Word Count:  6552

Summary:  “One link went to another and another and soon he found himself looking at something interesting. The specific amateur gay tag on the Korean forum board he frequented had a boy that had posted about three days ago. It had some engagement and he could see why.

Help Me Understand Myself...😅😋”

Warnings: Extremely Explicit... Sang-woo is kinda is a dick at the end of this chapter?

A/N: Hey again! I have no idea where this fic is gonna go but this is for someone on the Sali Discord, combining two concepts together. This is an AU but also kinda divergent? Sang-woo made a fuck ton of money gambling his mother's house and actually is successful at his job. Be warned it gets kinda raunchy really quick but I'm not gonna guarantee that in every chapter haha. Hope you enjoy. I also wanted to thank Inorganic_soot for helping me out with Urdu

Also this fic is named after the Lovefool Swing remix by Scott Bradlee's Postmodern Junkbox. Give it a listen if your interested. <3

Chapter 1: Dear I Fear We’re Facing A Problem

“I guess I’ll try to explain myself. This is sort of new for me…”

Sang-woo was not a man who often went on these types of sites. Gi-hun, one of his long-time friends, had mentioned it in passing while they were drinking.

“They do anything for you as long as you give them money. I wish I had some.”

Anything? Well that was not true… Sang-woo looked up what Only’s was and saw that these people would perform for their donors, with some limits that the user decided. He tried to browse the interface but quickly found it frustrating. Sang-woo had sneered, losing interest and then switching his attention to something he actually was interested in, the market. He yawned, going through threads and smirking at those who claimed to know “insider knowledge” on the stocks, replied to a couple of questions but then became… distracted. One link went to another and another and soon he found himself looking at something interesting. The specific amateur gay tag on the Korean forum board he frequented had a boy that had posted about three days ago. It had some engagement and he could see why.

Help Me Understand Myself...😅😋

Interesting… Sang-woo’s eyes gazed at the boy's face. He was very attractive, but was not of Korean descent. He was brown, and looked like he shaved. His eyes were large, adding to his cute boyish charm, but what interested Sang-woo most was that he had a nice body. He was built, and showed it off. In the picture it seemed like he was naked, the picture cutting off at his waist. He had a gentle smile. The way he coyly looked at the camera, while his black locks fell across his face, peaked his interest. So here he was, subscribed to this boy on this shittily designed website for at least a month. But there was no real harm… it cost about twelve thousand won. He would end the subscription next month. He watched the kid fidget and smile nervously at the camera while he sipped on his favorite whisky.

“I kinda got into trouble… Last month…” He said. His voice was very pleasant, soft and gentle, like a wave gently lapping against his body. Sang-woo didn’t do it much, but it did make him smile. He’s very cute. He thought to himself. “I… I…” He sighed and looked away from the camera. “My wife divorced me. Honestly, I think she was in the right too. ” Sang-woo raised an eyebrow, taking another swig of whisky. Were these people always this vulnerable? Seemed like a lot to be emotionally dumping on a site made for this kind of thing. He was in the ameature tag though. “Well, I got this to q we get to know myself a bit better. I feel like I need to do better with exploring my wants and it doesn't hurt to make money on the side! Right? Allah knows I can use it.” He trailed off, looking distant and Sang-woo tilted his head. “Alright, um… that’s it I think! Hope you enjoy my content! خدا حافظ.”

The video ended and Sang-woo watched as the video recommended some of his other videos and Sang-woo’s eyes widened. He looked so innocent. And yet he was staring at two video one labeled:

My Biggest Fan Makes Me Cry 🤭🥵😭

And

Afternoon Fingering and Dildo Training 👌🏾🍆💦

These were dated pretty recently. Sang-woo stared at the two videos, now smirking. He tapped on the last one, interested in seeing the boy spread himself. He was not disappointed. He first greeted him with a smile that shouldn’t have made his chest tighten. Maybe it was the whisky. The older man shrugged it off, while turning the volume up on his phone. He seemed to have gotten popular. In his sleeveless shirt, which showed off his nice biceps, he pulled out a box. It seemed one of his fans had sent it to him. He thanked the crudly named user and began opening  the box. As he pulled out the solid candy pink colored dildo, his mouth turned upward into a wry smirk. Sang-woo licked his lips.

“Ah…This is bigger than I am used to.” He murmured, before moving his gaze to his computer, eyes reflecting the chat. He licked and smacked his lips. His hand stroked the length of the sturdy silicone toy. “I think I can do it though.” Sang-woo bought the phone closer to his face as he watched the boy kick off his boxers, revealing a beautiful ass. He made himself comfortable in his large pillow and reached over for a small bottle full of clear liquid. Then he spread his legs and Sang-woo stifled a groan, his eyes sliding from his half hard cock to his asshole. He swallowed thickly, watching the kid tease himself with his two fingers. They slowly rubbed the rim of his ass and Sang-woo saw his hole twitch from just a small bit of stimulation. His black hair scattered a little across his face and his soft smile turned heated. “Ah—!”

His finger dipped inside of himself and he saw the boy's thighs shiver. It was clear from his actions and the ease in which he took his own finger that he had done this before. Sang-woo wondered how many times he had fingered himself. He could feel his pants get slightly tighter as he took another sip of his drink, focusing how easily his finger moved in and out. The boy began to moan softly, his hips twitching. He tilted his head, seemingly reading the chat. Sang-woo looked at the chat too and it seemed people were enjoying themselves.

“Thank you — ah—DEADLIFT69 for the ₩60,000.” He added a second finger and Sang-woo saw the tiny hole shiver and milk his finger. “Ah—! That’s good!” His voice cracked slightly and Sang-woo watched his hand go to his chest and began pinching his own nipple. He began scissoring himself and Sang-woo watched closely, watching the boy expose himself fully. As his fingers worked, his eyes moved to the boy's cock which dripped pre on his belly. The boy’s eyes were glazed as he worked himself into a frenzy. He let out another cry of pleasure and realized that the chat was going crazy. He seemed to be making decent money in donations. ₩30,000 here and ₩40,000 there and he earned every bit of it. Each time it happened, he would struggle, trying to read out the username. His voice tightened as he added a third finger. Sang-woo palmed his crotch, at the boy's strong reaction to violating himself echoed in his head. He simply looked delicious, lightly covered in sweat as he threw his head back thoroughly enjoying himself.

“That’s a good boy.” Sang-woo whispered, palming himself again and enjoying the burst of pleasure rippling through his body. The boy pulled his fingers out and Sang-woo saw how his hole winked and shivered from the loss. He wondered how strongly he would react to someone holding his legs down and licking him. He wondered how his voice would sound. The young man had slumped a little bit against his pillows and adjusted himself better for the camera. He pushed his sweaty black hair out of his face, while the hand he had been fingering himself with reached for the pink dildo and the small tube of lube. He was just about to dump the lube on when he glanced over at his chat.

“Oh…” his already flushed face turned brighter and he bit his lip. Sang-woo’s eyebrows raised. “Give it a blow job? I’ve never done that before. I don’t think I would be good.” But, his chat wasn’t having it. Some of them donated and others coaxed him. When someone donated another ₩60,000 he chuckled. “Ah, you guys are… What's the saying? Thirsting?” He scratched his head now considering the toy and then pressing his lips against the head of it. “You just want to see how I do? Alright.” The boy kissed the tip and then sucked on the head. Sang-woo saw his tongue swipe underneath and he felt his own manhood throb painfully in his pants. He groaned and began fiddling with his belt and unbuttoning his trousers and releasing himself. By the time his cock was out, the boy's lips were wrapped around the toy. He hawkishly watched him bob his head up and down and loved the way his tongue licked the underside. Sang-woo began stroking himself idly, imagining those plum lips around him. When he looked at the video cam, his black locks obscuring his eyes slightly and Sang-woo nearly shot his load there. He let out a low moan, unbuttoning his white shirt and exposing his chest. The boy managed to get more than halfway of the toy in his mouth before he pulled back, trying not to gag. He wiped his mouth of saliva, still wincing. “I guess I need practice.” He smiled “Hopefully, you guys are satisfied?”

Though the toy was covered in his saliva, he applied a healthy glob of lube. He spread himself once more, his brown eyes glittering with anticipation and slowly pushed the head of the toy against his hole. He let out a soft sigh and Sang-woo watched as his entrance twitch before taking the toy, watching how the ring of muscles stretched enticingly around the pink silicone. He leaned into the pillow and he moaned shakily. He watched his hand go up to his chest once more and pinch his nipples and stroke his chest. Sang-woo could even see his balls twitching as he moved the toy deeper and deeper. When the toy was fully inside he paused for a bit, his breath ragged from pleasure.

“Aaah— t-this is a lot.” He whispered, nuzzling into the pillows and his eyes narrowed. “کیا ایسا محسوس ہوتا ہے؟” His chat was was now steadily donating ₩30000 every minute or two. Some of the chatters openly talked about how pretty his hole was and how they love to join him. The boy groaned again, his legs twitching as his hand moved the dildo slowly in and out. The sounds he was making as he thrusted the toy in and out. He seemed to be slowly unwinding himself, his eyes narrowed and his lips parted in a slight smile. Sang-woo could now see his hips rolling forward, chasing the toy as he pulled it out. He didn’t notice that his own breath was heavy and the soft moans that were escaping him. His hand had drifted toward his cock and and stroked himself leisurely as he watched the boy writhe on his bed while he pumped the pink toy in and out of him.

I’m bigger than that. He thought, watching the boy chew his lip. I wonder how he would act with me. Sang-woo’s mind immediately flashed with the boy clinging to him, moaning and desperately trying to hold on to him.

“Fuck.” His rasped, squeezing the base of his cock and his ragged breath growing more fevered. The sounds of the toy sloppily pumping in and out of the boy made his dick jump in his hand and he gritted his teeth.

“Ah—! Hmph! Ah—! I think I’m cumming.” His voice was now a whine and he fucked himself harder. He could see his body shivering and rolling desperately as he chased his orgasm. Then he threw his head back, and his toes curled as thick globs of white scattered beautifully across his warm latte skin. His hips mechanically, rocked into the toy while he gasped and clawed at the bed. Sang-woo could see his asshole eagerly milking the toy, while his dick jumped with each spurt. Then he slumped back into his pillows, a dazed, yet pleased grin on his face. His chest rising and falling rapidly as he enjoyed his orgasmic bliss.

Why is he… so adorable? Sang-woo gulped and rolled his wrist a little faster. His breath came out in short puffs. When the boy pulled the toy out and he saw the slight gape of his asshole he felt himself shiver. How he wished to shove his cock inside of him. To make this boy cling on to him while he fucked him sensless. Mark him so everyone knew that he was his. He gritted his teeth, feeling the heat inside him swirl around in his belly. He wanted to cum. He wanted to see that look on the boy’s face when he came in. That blissful smile on those full lips and know that he was the one who put him in such a state.

“Oh, wow, میرا سر گھوم رہا ہے…” His voice came out in a purr and he pushed himself, shaking his hair out of his eyes and looking at the chat. “Well, I’ll end my stream for today. Thanks again DaddyBigBear25-XX for the toy. I think I will have fun using it.” He grinned. “And thanks for all you showing up. “آپ پر سلامتی ہو اور آپ پر رحمتیں اور برکتیں نازل ہوں۔” He gave a short wave and the video shut off. Sang-woo stared at the suggestions, still stroking himself. His eyes focusing on the avatar of the boys face. Next to the picture, were the words:

🌒 M00Nstuck-199 🌘

He hadn’t expected this to be this worked up, but…He gulped and started another video.

—————

Sang-woo was not really a horny man. He had his phone of people to call when the itch called to him, but normally he wasn’t interested. He liked his work, trading and buying. He found that more of a thrill and a challenge. His recent gamble, putting his mother’s house on the line plus a large loan, had paid off even though he shouldn’t have. It would have ruined him if the future he bet on hadn’t been successful and the adrenaline from that bet had been addicting. When the payment came through into his bank account, the reward almost made him moan out loud. This was what he lived for. The rush of being right...

This was before he met M00Nstruck-199. The boy was intoxicating and addicting to watch. He found himself memorizing when he was live after watching all his videos. The first time he had managed to make it to a live stream, was after work on a Wednesday where he opened gifts that his fans gave him. He only used the chat a few times as he ate his dinner. Moon, that’s what most of the chat referred to him as, decided to use a cock ring for the stream. Even though Sang-woo thought the thing looked tacky. What was with the fan that loved bright pink? Despite the color of the toy, he did enjoy the show. Sang-woo watched, mouth slightly open as he made himself climax without cumming over and over again until he was a sobbing mess. The stream ended with him fingering his ass while jacking off then shooting his load onto the camera. Unfortunately for Sang-woo, the calm, satisfied state he loved watching the boy enter was interrupted when he realized that there was cum dripping off the camera. He swore… or at least Sang-woo thought it might be a swear. He spoke in a different language. He apologized to his chat, waved and had ended the stream there.

About a month into his subscription, he was lounging on his L couch, watching him answer a couple of questions about his life on a Friday night. It had been an impromptu stream. He had posted that he needed to chat. He didn’t have a huge following but it was decent sized. At this surprise stream, there were about fifty people watching, something Sang-woo appreciated. Too many chatters was a headache.

“It’s been crazy.” He sighed, resting on his stomach, while looking into his cam. He buried his head in his pillow. “I quit my job… they weren’t paying me anyway. Still, things are… uncertain now.” Many of the chatters began spamming, don’t work, but he shook his head. “I need to make sure I have a stable income. Some healthcare. Stuff like that. I just need to not think about this right now. So… do you have any questions? Requests?” Immediately, the chat let up. He answered questions in his soft voice. “I used to work in a factory, Odd1. I would make parts I believe for machines. The man working there refused to pay me because… well I guess he could get away with it.” He sighed. Sang-woo stretched on his couch, looking up at the ceiling, then began typing.

“Ah, I’m thirty-three, 218Futures.” Sang-woo shouldn’t have gotten a little bit of the dopamine from him answering. He throught for a moment, shrugged and quickly typed a donation.

Hope this helps…

The little dopamine hit that he got from the boy responding to him, pailed in comparison to the rush he got from his shock on his face when he got the donation.

“T—thank you 218Futures for the ₩120000.” He stammered. He loved the way his eyes got as wide as dinner plates. “You didn’t have to though, I was just answering your question.”

It’s no problem.

By this time, others in the chat began to clamber for his attention and the donations started piling in. He watched the kid’s eyes become glassy.

“Oh… wow. Thanks guys…” He smiled. “I suppose I should do something then? I wasn’t planning on it. But I guess you all have convinced me I should.” Now the chat was getting rowdy. Sang-woo rolled his eyes at some of the responses.

Can I request personal time from you?

Predictably, the chat became angry at him. Calling him selfish and other words. The boy tilted his head however.

“Like a private chat, 219Futures? I think I posted the price of private chats. I dunno if I’m gonna do one today though. I guess it depends.”

I see.

He donated again and relished the soft gasp that left the boy's lips. He had donated ₩600000. The chat had become feral as expected.

Dude, wtf r u doing?

Stop being a selfish dick!

Why do you get request time alone?😒

Why is that fare???😤😡

You’re welcome to donate more than me...

He is also welcome to decline.

I wanna see ur bussy, Moon 😩 Plz stay.

He watched as Moon chewed on his lip, watching the chat argue back and forth. He must be feeling a little overwhelmed. Especially since today was supposed to be one of his more relaxed streaming times.

I don’t want to impose.

You don’t have to if you don’t feel up to it…

Keep the money though.

“Well…” The boy said. He seemed to be reading something as he spoke. “218Futures, your one of my new fans. You haven’t been subscribed for more than a month. Where did you find me?”

One of your ads on a forum. I can’t remember which.

“Ah… Good to know.” He thought for a moment. “Alright, Mr.Futures. I’ll do a private chat for you.” Sang-woo smirked while the chat let out it’s frustration. Moon smiled. “Forgive me but he did pay for my time. This stream was also unscheduled...but don’t worry,  I will be back tomorrow. I’ll be opening gifts from you all.” He dipped his head in an apologetic bow. “I’m sorry! And thank you all for coming last minute! آپ پر سلامتی ہو اور آپ پر رحمتیں اور برکتیں نازل ہوں۔” The stream closed and Sang-woo sneered at some of the last comments cursing him and closed out. Then his phone pinged softly, and a notification told him he had a message. He clicked the notification and Moon’s message came up.

Hello Futures :3

A warm feeling filled his chest and he sighed. He even typed cute. He quickly typed a response.

Hello.

I’m gonna go get sum water

and then we can start. :o

Is that okay? :3

Of course.

Sang-woo could feel his heart beating. He took off glasses and slid off his business suit, hanging it up in his room. He decided to pour a healthy glass of whisky and placed it delicately on the coaster on his night stand. He decided to stay in his bedroom and sat on his bed. When he looked at his phone he had another message.

I’m ready, Sir, but I have a question. :o

Yes?

It’s a little hard to talk to you like this. :\

Would you mind doing voice chat? :3

Hmm.

Sang-woo wasn’t sure. He didn’t really plan to talk to him really… but what harm could it do? He wasn’t seeing him after all. He also was correct. It would be difficult and slower for him to respond through messaging.

That would be fine…

Thank you, Sir :3

Almost immediately, his phone started ringing and Sang-woo furrowed his eyebrows. He wasn’t sure how exactly to accept a call on this site. He went into the messages and fiddled around and finally the stream popped up with Moon looking at the video cam. He was already wearing less than he was in, in the previous stream. He was displaying those wonderful biceps again in a simple white sleeveless and something that looked like black and red basketball shorts.

“Hello! I don’t do many of these. I have only done a couple. So, forgive me for any mistakes.” He bowed slightly, then straightened up and leaned against his pillows. Sang-woo stared at his phone screen for a moment. He always hated talking on the phone. He always was way more comfortable in person. That being said, to talk to such a cute kid…

“That’s fine. This is the first one I have done. I’m inexperienced as well.” The boy's smile widened and he thought he saw his cheeks redden.

“Well, Sir, ₩600000? That’s quite generous of you.” He shifted again his pillow, leaning toward the camera. “I was curious why you donated so much.”

“You said that you quit your job. I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t worry too much.” Sang-woo smirked, casually taking a gulp of whisky. “Plus, you are cute.” He added, starting to feel the whisky take effect. The boy looked away from the camera, still grinning.

“Well thank you.” He said. “I really appreciate the donation.” There was a small silence where he turned to the cam, running his hands through his hair. “May I ask, what do you do, Sir?”

“Ah.. I’m a stock broker.” He saw the slightly confused frown on his face. Sang-woo continued. “I work with the Korean and American Stock Exchange.”

“Oh…”

“Do you know what the stock exchange is?” The boy shook his head slightly. Sang-woo then went into the minutia of stocks, futures and trading. Just giving him hints of accounts he manages while he sipped on whisky. The boy blinked at the screen and before he went into financing, he paused. He looked like a confused puppy. His head was slightly tilted and his eyes, while focused, were wide. He could tell he was trying to make sense of what he said. Maybe he had gone too descriptive. “Sorry… I tend to get over enthusiastic about work.”

“You like what you do?”

“It’s very thrilling for me to make a call on a stock and a company's future and be proven right. Even more gratifying when the reward is a decent amount of money.” He said rather smuggly.

“Ah, I understand your name then.”

“Hm?”

“Futures. That’s where it comes from, right?”

“Kind of. Future contracts are a type of investment. I named myself after that I guess. They are the most fun for me to invest in… but they are risky.” He adjusted himself on the bed. “So, where does yours come from?” The boy chuckled.

“Hm… it’s not as cool as yours I’m afraid, Sir.” He said. “I just really enjoy looking at the moon back in my home country and decided to call myself that because I usually stream at night, when I am not working.”

“Where are you from?”

“Oh, I’m from Pakistan.”

“Ah, so you speak Urdu.” Ali smiled widely.

“Wow! I’m surprised you knew.” He said pleasantly. He wrapped his arm around a thick pillow and leaned on it, sprawling now on his bed. Sang-woo’s eyes quickly slid down his body, stopping and lingering at his stomach and the tail of hair disappearing underneath his shorts. “Yes, I am fluent in Urdu and I hope to get better in Korean. I’ll probably be living here for now on... so I have to get better.”

“Hm… well you’re Korean is good. Keep at it.” He downed the last of his whisky, and poured another glass. “What made someone like you do this?”

“What do you mean?” Maybe it was the alcohol in his blood, but he chuckled.

“Well.” He drawled. “One of my first videos of yours was you introducing yourself. You said you were trying to figure yourself out. You were very honest in that video.” Sang-woo took a very deliberate sip of his whisky and the ice in glass gently clinked together. The boy blushed slightly, pushing his face into his pillow.

“Yeah…”

“The next video, I saw you fucking yourself.” A coy smirk spread slowly across the boy’s face. Sang-woo continued. “You said you hadn’t been fucked by something ‘that big’ if I recall.”

“Yeah. It’s my biggest toy.”

“Interesting… well. You don’t seem like the type of person to do this type of thing, at least in the open… What is making you want to explore yourself publicly?” The boy was quiet for a moment, still smirking. He shrugged.

“Maybe, Sir, there is more to me than my appearance.” He murmured.

“I see.” Sang-woo chuckled, feeling heat slowly build in his belly. “You must enjoy strangers watching you.” Moon didn’t reply. He simply tilted his head into his pillow, gazing at the camera.

“Did you like that video?”

“Yes, I liked seeing and hearing you enjoy yourself like that.” Sang-woo's voice had gotten lower, husky. He licked his lips. The whisky was making his blood hot. “You have a nice voice.”

“So do you, Sir.” He pushed himself up now, watching the screen with hooded eyes. “Now, Sir, what would you like me to do for you?” Sang-woo swallowed his eyes lowering to his loose shorts. He was treated to the wonderful sight of the boy’s cock peeking out from his basketball shorts, against his leg. He was already half hard. He took a gulp of his whisky, sat it down on his nightstand and cleared his throat.

“Undress.” His voice came out in a low growl and Moon bit his lip. He pulled off his t-shirt and dropped it to the floor then slid off his shorts. His cock now free from his shorts, now leaned against his leg. “Spread yourself.” Moon gazed up at the camera, grabbing the pillow he was using before and placing it behind his back, leaned back and he spread his legs, completely exposing his balls and dick to Sang-woo. He pushed his glasses up, eyeing him closely as the boy leaned back and spread his ass cheeks apart, revealing his tiny pucker. The older man licked his lips, leaning closer to his phone. If he was there he would lick him out. The boy looked delicious. Pity . “Finger yourself.”

Moon reached over out of camera and when he came back he had a small clear bottle in hand. He poured a thick glob of lube in his and pushed his two fingers against himself. He took the two fingers easily, his asshole twitching as it accepted them. The boy let out a heated sigh and unabashedly began rolling his knuckles in and out of himself with soft squelches. His breath was already heady and Sang-woo did not miss the way his hips ground against his fingers. Sang-woo dipped his hand into his pants and pulled out his manhood, stroking himself slowly.

“You're already able to take two?” Sangwoo breathed. The boy groaned in response and he could see him speeding his fingers up. “Make sure you stretch yourself. Let me see everything.”

“Y—yes Sir.” He did what he was told, his mouth hung open as he pleasured himself. Sang-woo could see a delightful ring of pink as he spread himself. His voice suddenly hitched and Sang-woo saw his cock jump. “Ah—! Ha— ngh.” The boy began vigorously fingering himself, his voice coming out in short pants.

“Don’t cum yet.” Moon looked at the screen through his bangs biting his lip. Sangwoo almost shot his load from that look alone. “I want you to fuck yourself with that toy.”

“Ah— t—the pink one you liked?”

“Yes.” The boy sat up a bit and again left the scene with his ass only shot. Then he plopped back down smiling at the pink dildo. He pressed it to his hole and pushed it in. Again it seemed to go in without much resistance, quickly being gobbled up. Sang-woo began to stroke himself faster and a moan escaped him. “Fuck yourself as hard as you can.”  The boy grinned and bit his lip, staring at him through his scattered bangs.

“Is that what you want to do to me, Sir?” He didn’t wait for an answer. He didn’t need one. Both he and Sang-woo knew the answer. The boy thrusted the toy deep inside of him and reacted strongly to his action. His back arched as he plunged the toy inside him. Sang-woo let out a longing moan, watching his hole clench and twitch around the silicon. His own dick, now weeping, throbbed in his hand. His voice hitched and his hand sped up. Moon’s voice swelled and he quickly covered his mouth.

“Did you find your spot?” He barely responded. Instead he mewled loudly like he was in heat and rolled his hips faster. The sounds of the toy slipping in and out of him as his toes curled as he milked himself. He must be so sensitive. He watched the boy throw his head back and his asshole seemed to clamp down on the toy. Sang-woo clenched his jaw, feeling the heat pool in his belly.

“Ah—! ہاں ,ایسے!” The boy’s voice came in a breathless cry and watched his ass cheeks tremble and his dick jump as he messily came on his chest. He continued to wind his hips into the pink cock. Sang-woo’s felt his stomach tighten, while he focused on the delicious way the boy’s hole almost sucking on the silicone. How wonderful would that feel to have him twitching on his cock like. As the throught crossed his mind, it went blank

“F—fuck.” His voice was tight and he felt his cock began to throb as he shot his own load upwards. His vision shook while his hips slowly rolled into his cum covered hand.  “Hng!” His body shivered as he finished. He gazed at Moon through hooded eyes while the boy panted against his pillow, eyes gazing at the video.

“Sir, did you cum?” His soft voice made Sang-woo grunt, as he finished stroking his cock and reached over for some tissues.

“How could I not?” He finally said, “You look as good as ever.” The boy chuckled, still enjoying the aftershock of his own orgasms.

“Good, hopefully it was worth the price.”

“Of course it was.” As he caught his breath, he sat up in his bed. “I will continue to help you learn about yourself in the future.” Ali giggled.

“I can’t wait.”

———————

Since the night he had bought a private show from Moon he was taking every opportunity to get a private call every week. It would begin with a pleasant chat. Sang-woo would ask him about his day and how he was doing and he was always rewarded with a warm smile. They would sometimes chat about life for about an hour or two before their conversation slowly devolved into the boy sprawled on the bed, displaying his ass for Sang-woo to see.

Sang-woo had quickly become his biggest doner. With the ₩600000 every week, plus the monthly subscription and the donations he gave him with his normal streams, he was spending a decent amount of money on this boy. Yet he had no problem with it. After all he had no significant other and had no desire to look for one. He was too busy with work for that. He was honestly thankful he had found the boy because the last couple of months at work were crazy and he found himself working late on accounts. It was always nice after work to relax and turn on a stream of Moon’s who had now added gaming to his streams, which he would do nearly naked.

By month three of his subscription he was sending expensive toys to his PO Box and his ego would always swell because every time he did send his toy, it would be chosen for that stream to be played with. His toys, after all, looked classy. On month four, the boy sent out an announcement.

“Hello everyone.” Moon was wearing a very loose shirt that hung off his shoulder, exposing his collarbone. His hair was messy, as always, and it seemed that he had some type of booty shorts on as they hugged his thighs nicely. Sang-woo watched this on his smoke break at work as it was unlikely to be one of his explicit videos. “I hope everyone is having a good day. I just wanted to update you all.” He clapped his hands together. “I got a part time job! With benefits!” Sang-woo sighed out smoke. Yes, Moon had told him he had an interview the last session they had. That would naturally mean less time to stream. Still, it was good that the boy wouldn’t have to worry too much about his living situation. “That means my schedule may change around. I’ll try to post my schedule stream times more often so there won’t be as much confusion. I hope you guys won’t mind. My work starts tomorrow. So, I won’t have a long stream tonight. But don’t worry we will make the most out of the time.” He grinned, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “Hopefully, I’ll see you tonight!” The video ended and Sang-woo finished the last of his cigarette and put it out against a nearby ashtray. The comments in the video were either congratulating or begging him to quit so he could stream more. He responded simply.

Congrats :)

The next day was a rather distracting one, before he could even get to work, he got emails from clients, two extremely tedious ones that would take some time to address and one from his boss, informing him of a meeting they were going to have that morning. He let out an aggrieved sigh, the urge to smoke gnawing at the back of his head. He hated the meetings as they often took long because his boss loved to hear himself talk. It was also guaranteed to be something boring. He looked at his watch as the train he was on stopped and exited the train car, suitcase in hand. He approached the building he was working in a matter of minutes. It was a beautiful glass and metal building, fifteen stories tall. He was on the tenth floor. He began planning out his day mentally. First I’ll make some coffee so I can think clearly and I should have time to look over some paperwork for Mr.Yoon. I need to get that out of the way so I can not fall asleep through this damn meeting. He yawned, nodded to security who gave him a short wave as he signed in someone and pressed the elevator button. The elevator might have take three minutes to get down while Sang-woo tapped his foot impatiently. It opened and he walked in and pressed the button ten. The doors began to close but then he heard a voice call out to him.

“Excuse me! Please hold the door!”

Shit. He briefly glanced at his watch, before grabbing the closing doors. The doors stopped and began to open again and he heard a relieved sigh before a short boy came inside.

“Thank you, Sir!” He was greeted with a warm smile, before he leaned over to press the button fifteen. He was a lot shorter… only up to his chest. He turned around to stand next to Sang-woo, humming softly while he checked his phone. Sang-woo stared for a moment, his mind froze.

Small world…

“Ah… are you new here?” The boy looked up at him, raising an eyebrow curiously.

“Oh…” He said hesitantly. “Why?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it.”  Sang-woo said easily. “I just haven’t seen you around here.” The boy tilted his head.

“Yeah, uh, Sir… I got a new job here.” He said this rather sheepishly, but he could see his trademark gentle smile.

“Well, congradulations.”

“Thank you!” The boy turned to him, pushing black hair out of his face. He did not miss the way his bright brown eyes darted up and down. Sang-woo pretended not to notice, turning his eyes back to the door of the elevator and swaying the upward movement. “I’m excited to start.”

“What will you do?”

“Oh, nothing too complicated. I will be helping keep the building clean.” He shrugged.

“Ah. I hope you do well.” There was a small silence in which the door opened on floor five when no one was there.  As the door slowly closed, his voice piped up again. “What do you do here?”

“Oh…” Sang-woo thought for a moment, glancing at the florectent lights on above them. “I work at a financial firm here.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes, I deal in trade of stocks and futures.” He glanced down just in time to see the boy’s eyes light up in recognition.

“Hm… I know of someone who does that. Is it hard?”

“It can be stressful.” He let out a low sigh, with a small smile. “But I find it rewarding enough.”

“He says he enjoys the work as well. He was trying to explain things to me...but I think it’s way past my understanding, unfortunately.”

“I’m sure you could learn if someone taught you.” Sang-woo said evenly, but the boy shook his head.

“I don’t think so.” He rubbed his head, biting his tongue as he smiled at him with a goofy grin. “Numbers and I do not do well.” The elevator by this time pinged softly and the door opened on level ten. Sang-woo turned to smile at the boy who was still grinning at him.

“Have a great day, then.”

“Yes, you too!” Sang-woo stepped out of the elevator turning his back on the boy, walking toward his office.

“It was very nice meeting you, Moon.”

He felt a terrible yank on his suit and turned around to see a hand gripping it. His eyes moved slowly to the boyish face now looking grave. His messy hair almost seemed to raise like an anxious dog. He glared at Sang-woo as the elevator closed.

“Excuse me, Sir, what did you call me?”

--------

END NOTES:

Hope you enjoyed it, will post next chapter hopefully soon XD.

?Does it feel like this : "کیا ایسا محسوس ہوتا ہے؟" ...My head is spinning : “, میرا سر گھوم رہا ہے…" “آپ پر سلامتی ہو اور آپ پر رحمتیں اور برکتیں نازل ہوں” : Peace be upon you and blessing be upon you.

[zalrb]

tv rewatch: gg edition, ep. 10

“Hey, so has Blair mentioned who’s escorting her?” Nate, you cannot be serious.

“Every time I see her, she’s lighter, she’s happier, she’s less ... ... Blair.” Nate, sit down.

“With my dad in rehab, the pressure is off and I can see Blair clearly” but the pressure wasn’t on for your entire relationship, Nate. Shut up.

“Jenny, what are you even doing here?” Serena, that sounds way more hostile than you intended.

“Oh, hello, mother.” LOL Lily. She is SO unsung.

“Isn’t she’s great?” “She’s ... she’s great, she’s something.” LOL READ BODY LANGUAGE, SERENA.

This Chair makeout is one of my favourites just because in the bloopers, they kept going and going until someone was finally like, “You take your own cue!” and Leighton was like OH!

“And the prince, you know, he’s a great dancer and all.” Lmao, Nate, shut up.

Cece’s manipulation is kind of low stakes tbh, like she uses her illness just to get Serena to do cotillion? 

Blair in jeans! 

Blair texting Chuck while with Nate is pretty cute. Ah, I always get in my Chair feels in the first two seasons.

“Allison, I didn’t expect to see you ... here.” LILY’S SHADE.

Dan in his striped shirt.

His hair is steadily becoming less offensive.

LOL Sebastian Stan in this is always funny now.

“Where were you?” “Where wasn’t he? Gossip Girl even had a designated Carter map on Spotted.” Shouldn’t  you know this, Dan, since, you know, you’re gossip girl?

“I also went pheasant hunting with the sheik while I was there.” I thought you disowned your parents and didn’t have their money?

Jenny’s dress is awful.

“Then you are grounded for a week” “WHAT???” Lol OK, Jenny.

I know I keep saying it but kdramas do class divides so much better. Cece’s speech is too pointed.

“I’ll tell you what’s going on, I just became your escort to the ball.” Lmao  I feel like Dan and Lily are the same person.

“I would just like to say how proud I am of Miss Waldorf and her commitment to Mr. Archibald EVEN THOUGH HE RUINED HER 17TH BIRTHDAY...” this is the most teen thing Chuck has ever done.

I LOVE HOW OLD THE PHONES ARE and they were hot shit back then.

Serena does not look incredible, Dan.

“Serena, that’s what I’m trying to tell you, that woman is the most manipulative person I’ve ever met.” Except for me BECAUSE I’M GOSSIP GIRL.

OK but honestly, what Cece is doing is bullying not manipulation, it’s too direct for it to be manipulation. Telling Lily about that she’s sick so Serena can go to cotillion is manipulative, yes, but the rest of it is just straight up intimidation tactics, she’s using her money as a weapon. They could’ve also gone further with the Lily thing by telling Lily that this is what she wants but she doesn’t want Serena to know that she’s sick so Lily puts her foot down about cotillion and says she has to go or else, thereby making Lily the villain while she remains the cool, free-spirited grandmother because when that DOES happen, it’s too late. It should be an ongoing thing.

“She makes your mother look like Gandhi.” “That’s my grandmother you’re talking about.” LMAO LILY GETS NO LOVE.

“Let’s get Carter on the phone.”

This scene could’ve been better. Dan’s delivery of this revelation was pretty bad because his sarcasm took precedence that he didn’t try to speak to Serena delicately and Serena wasn’t asking the right questions. Dan is like “she offered to buy my dad off so I wouldn’t come tonight” and she’s just like “Nope.” Dan could be like, why would I lie? and Serena could talk about how there could be a mistake, she could call out Dan’s tone and then he leaves and when Cece comes instead of her automatically being like, k time for Carter, she could milk the grandmother routine and say how she’d never do such a thing, she doesn’t understand why he’d lie about this etc. Like manipulation takes a lot more subtlety than what’s going on. This is all way too direct.

Lmao Nate is so unbearable this episode.

“Make it stop, you sound like me.” LMAO, BLAIR.

Chuck is more manipulative than Cece.

Cece does look like she’s about to go catatonic after that “beds as many billionaires as she can” line though. Well done.

How did TVD do a better ball scene than GG?

I also prefer The O.C.’s cotillion. Lmao because it actually tried to look like a legit cotillion.

But The Pierces in the background is pretty atmospheric even though it’s also absolutely ridiculous that they’re performing at a debutante ball.

“SHE’S MY GIRLFRIEND.” oh, nate.

“And you said if I did this I could be myself but you don’t really want that do you?” “That’s not entirely true.” I DIED. LILY.

“All you care about when people look at me is what they think of you” but the thing is I need to see this? Like I need to see Lily being directly affected by Serena’s choices, see how society looks at her and their family for this to be more than dialogue.

I totally forgot that Serena had already slept with Carter.

“When I was your age, I would’ve been lucky to find a guy like you. And I kind of did.” That’s his father, Lily.

Also really, what was Rufus like in the past then? Like what kind of rockstar was he?

Oh Chuck, just can’t win.

Serena turning around to see Dan at cotillion is pretty sweet, ngl.

The problem with this cotillion plot line is that it’s too small. Like if this is about legacy and if this is actually about introducing Serena to society then we need to see what cotillion actually means in this world, we need to see how big of a deal it is, one reporter showing up to interview Blair doesn’t mean anything. We need to see Lily’s and Cece’s peers gossip and talk. Also if this is all about how Cece’s values are old-fashioned then either cotillion needs to be the traditional white dress, white gloves ball

or it’s what we see and Cece complains about how modern/contemporary it’s getting.

Chuck is so Chuck. “Hey! Have you seen Blair Waldorf?” reminds me of when I went up to an acquaintance and I didn’t say hi I just asked where my friend was, I was like “Where’s Scott?” and from then on he - the acquaintance - just called me “Where’s Scott?”

Chuck looks genuinely heartbroken at seeing Blair and Nate. *sigh* too bad they get absolutely terrible.

Nate’s grin is so cringe, lol.

Rufly angst! “I never should’ve let you let me go.” DE could never.

APOLOGIZE, YASSSSSSSSSSSSS. SONG IS STILL A BOP DON’T @ ME.

I’m holding on your rope got me ten feet off the grouuuuuuuuuuuuund.

I know this is a Derena moment but what makes it for me is Serena looking at Lily to see if she can go with him and Lily saying yes. It’s a Serena/Lily moment for me.

Oh Blair, Nate doesn’t deserve sex with you.

Chuck, leaving the city, you are so DRAMATIC.

xoxo, zalrb.

[popculturebuffet]

Scottrospective: Scott Pilgrim and the Infinite Sadness

Welcome back my Scottaholics! We’re moving right along fun and fancy free just a few days later from Book 2 to 3. Which fits: As I mentioned in my review of book 1 I first encountered Scott, Ramona and Wallace in a free comic book story, and VERY intrigued, bought volumes 2 and 3 from the same comic shop after reading it in line.. or maybe I went there again later and bought them. My brain is a foggy sinkhole. Point is I was hooked from then on out, and bought the next three volumes as I came out, and through the internet because by then i’d leanred to use Amazon. Ironic given Ramona’s work for them is not only iconic to the series but plot important in volumes 1 and 2. As is Scott’s package toss in the movie. But the story of my long wait for volume 4 can wait for February. Point is it was these two and Free Scott PIlgrim are the ones I poured over again and agian, obessing over as a teen and the ones that stick in my brain the most.  But even with that last time the exaustive process of covering it exposed a LOT of volume 2′s weakness: While it has a lot of iconic scenes, including Scott accidently convincing a man to skateboard himself to death, the Ramona and Knives fight, the envy call, the flashback, and is still very enjoyable..it also feels the most like a collection of loose events out of the books. Good stuff and character and tone wise better than last time.. but not quite as narratively strong. The series was GETTING there, the art was solidfiying into it’s final form, the characters were in the right place, SCott was more likeable.. but it hadn’t quite hit it’s stride yet.  Three guesses when it did and the first two didn’t count. Infinite Sadness is one of my favorite volumes, along with 4 and 6. And while part of that is nostaliga and a personal connection.. the bulk of it is just this volume being even BETTER on the re-read. I picked up subtle bits that I didn’t notice before that only enritched the experince, the pacing is sublime, the character work is top notch and compelling, the art work is finally crystlalized into what the series is known for, and would only get even better as it goes, and the fights are some of the series best. This is one hell of a story and I warmly invite you to join me as I break it down after the break.

Previously on Scott Pilgrim: Scott defeated Lucas Lee, the second Evil Ex, met Luke Wilson, and prepared to go to his ex girlfriend’s concert despite this being a terrible idea to discuss a gig. It was there he and Ramona found out Envy’s base player Todd, the douchenozzle who she cheated on Scott with, is also the douchenozzle Ramona cheated on Lucas with. 

So we open.. exactly from that moment, with Scott and Ramona starring wide eyed while the band plays in an utterly dazzling sequence that’s been brought up a notch in the color remaster. Also one of a handful of moments that was barely touched from page to screen, with only slight adaptations to make it better on screen, and the addition of Metric’s now iconic “Black Sheep”. And when reading the scene.. I couldn’t resisit turning black sheep on as it matched it perfectly..  so yeah have the Clash at the Demonhead performance from the film

So while that worms it’s way into your head, let’s talk about the character designs for Clash Of the Demonhead, since volume 2 is the last time in the color editions O’Malley really talks about character origins and stuff. I could’ve missed something of course, we’ll see as we go won’t we. I just saved it for here as the Volume 2 review was running a bit long as is and while their shown on covers and on the back cover of the black and white edition, they don’t show up in person and in their full glory till the last panel, hence saving it for here where Envy and Todd are the main antagonists and Lynette is... plot relevant. 

Envy was based on the front woman for the band Metric, Emily Haines, designed much like hanes to be a tough, confrotnational, sexy woman, his words not mine, who’d gone through a lot of change in a few years since according to him, and i’m willing to take his word for it since I don’t know the band outside of the one song he picked for the movie, a lot of the bands songs are about that. And honeslty it makes me want to check them out more, as does how awesome black sheep is I can’t belivie I took this long, and is supremely intresting as I hadn’t realized there was a good reason there wasn’t just an original song written for clash at the demonhead. I mean if you base your character on the frontwoman for a band why NOT use one of their songs.

Speaking of band, Plumtree’s drummer, Lynette Gillis, was the inspiration for Lynette Gycott, though the final version of her is more cold and robotic and less like Gillis than initially envisioned. 

Finally Todd..was based on Scott, and while he evolved out from that a bit especially in powers.. the concept basically stuck as Todd is a stronger, dumber, more agressive and douchey version of Scott whose mistreatment of women is far more deliberate than Scott’s untetional douchebaggery. 

So after some interview segments for some sort of documentary on the band with the crowd, we cut to our heroes after the show, all standing around and being nervous. Stephen’s first words are “Decent show eh, told you they were good”. 

Admitely re-reading this one and answering a reader question, unrealted but it got me to thinking, made me realize Stephen wasn’t AS much of a dick as I thought: I didn’t think about the fact Scott and Envy’s blow up cost him their old band which was close to singing, and that Scott both as revealed in volume 3 and in bits here, was kind of a dick towards the end, intitating the breakup while drunk and belligernt and saying a facepunchingly dickish comment we’ll get to. So he wasn’t BLAMELESS and it’s understandable Stephen dosen’t hate her as much. She was friends with his horrible albatross of a girlfriend and didn’t break his heart. 

However.. he’s still an asshole and deserve jeff blim’s theatrical fuck you up there. He still ignores Scott’s pain, or the fact that most of the breakup WAS Envy’s fault as we’ll see. We’ll get into it in full obviously but for the cliffs notes so I can yell at a fictional grumpy closted canadian man: She slowly drifted away from him, treated him like he had no say in a band he helped found or took his feelings into account in the record deal, and cheated on him with Todd and possibly another guy. And as seen here she used her fame to bribe her ex and friends into showing up just so, as we see, she can torture him and his new girlfriend a bit. Envy is not a good person and Stephen is ignoring that and his friends VERY obvious emtoinal turmoil. Especially dickish since by this point Scott has clearly swallowed his pride and agreed to a show with someone who really DEEPLY hurt him for Stephen and Kim’s sake.. and he’s not even remotely greatful for it clearly. The only reason  he’s not the biggest asshole left in the building is because Todd, Envy and Julie, queen of bitches, is in there. 

So after a save point gag that goes nowhere, Envy shows up to take the group back stage... awkward, uncomfortable and very intentional silence insues to makes Scott even more sweaty and nervous and Ramona visably and understandably annoyed. Knives tries to talk to her hero but gets ignored because Envy’s a bitch.. and so’s Julie who not only joins in the shunning of a fucking teenager who clearly loves this band, but also is clearly trying to conversationally surgically attach her lips to Envy’s ass. Her toadying is obnxoious as you’d expect and as transparent as you’d expect, trying to drudge up old nostalgia while Envy’s clearly barely intrested, and the only thing that makes it more tolerable than normal Julie is Envy clearly barely tolerates this and likely is only going with it because she could be a useful minon in the future. 

Thankfully this is broken up. Unthakfully it’s by knives shouting her most iconic line: 

Given Envy is shown to not be the best person.. her response is to have her cyborg goon belt knives in the face

Which leads to an even better line seconds later

Envy then to just .. complete the circle of being a bitch has NEil take knives out then mocks her when Julie explains why knives and neil were even here. And it’s VERY telling that even Julie, who was must minutes from humping envy’s leg and begging to go with her when she leaves, is visably put off by Envy’s attitude. So while Ramona is understandably fucking done with this, as even she has some shred of sympathy for the teenager who tried to stab her a day ago, Scott has to take a minute to have a flashback. We see two brief bits of Scott with Envy, at the start of their college band Kid Chamelon where they were all happy.. and shortly after the breakup where Scott is miserable, in the middle of the street, sadly saying their name while saying “I’m so alone”.. explaning that desert bit from volume 1.. and making it ten times more painful. Nicely done Brian. 

So with Knives gone we get our usual character age intros and descriptoins, my favioritte being Stephen “wants a damn buritto dammit” which I can relate to and thankfully got it monday. He also does show a bit more of his noble self as, things have escalated to the point even he can see Envy has some sort of evil scheme planned and he walked right into it so he asks what her ulterior motive is. Julie pipes up with “She dosen’t NEED ulterior motives she was written up with in spin!”

So Envy grills Ramona a bit clearly trying to make her squirm..though at least when Julie TRIES to jump in she shoots her down, like some asshole pulling a yappy dog on it’s leash hard. Eventually Scott flips out and .. well I don’t want to overpanel this review but this is just.. quotes cannot do this justice. 

The result.. is the reveal Todd is psychic due to being a vegan and he throwing scott through a wall with telkenisis, kyle!

It’s explained he has these powers because he’s a vegan and even was top of his class at the vegan academy. Citation... needed. Not because of his power but because Todd may be one of the stupidest beings that’s ever lived. And I once had a friend whose other friend told me, since they’d be going to diffrent high schools and he was trying to pass off his mummies curse of keeping him from destroying himself with his own stupidity, tried to run into a wall to loose weight. No I don’t get how this would’ve worked but having known the guy I guarnatee he was arrogant and dumb enough at the time to try it. Nowadays I assume he’s much better... I assume. You.. you’d have to be to have survived another decade. 

Todd is also THAT kind of smug dickhead. Thankfully I haven’t met one in real life or online, as the two vegetarians I have known, one of my best friends micheal and my uncle drew, the former of whom now also eats fish and the latter of whom gave it up once he moved to places he could get meat that was raced humanely easier, but who I still respect for having that amount of self control. But Todd is a clear parody of the type of vegan and vegetarian who think their better than everyone.. by thinking he’s even BETTER than regular vegans because not every vegan can take the strain of psychic powers, with Kim naturally sniping at him.. then flipping him off when he says “don’t get snippy babe” and is very lucky he has psychic powers as otherwise he’d suddenly be wondering where his dick is and why kim’s holding a broken bottle. 

Brian also pokes fun at the old 90 percent of your brain trope. You know the old one that claims you only use 10 percent.. 

But it’s only because your only ACTIVELY using it and the rest is simply other functions. But hey we got Deathstroke out of that claim so good enough. Todd claims it’s because the other 90 percent is curds and whey. This might be the greatest use of this outdated trope in human history. No.. no.. it is. It exactly is. 

Envy brags that’s why he can’t beat him having clearly traded disappearing up her own ass  for disappearing up todd’s, Julie was also crammed up there, it was getting crowded. Envy claims to have been with todd since age 11.. which.. is more.. delusion than anything and she brushes off Ramona rightfully pointing out that’d mean he cheated on her with Ramona as Rammy trying to distract her and trying to smack talk SCott more who has another flashback. 

SOME YEARS AGO.. I DUNNO 5? 5 YEARS AGO?

We see Scott’s first meeting with Envy, who was rooming with Julie. Julie, it might shock you.. has not changed at all in 5 or so years. She’s seen bitching at her roomate Natalie V. Adams, the future Envy, for not wanting to get drunk and high and for hanging out in her room with all her anime posters and stuff. As you can tell, she’s a vastly diffrent person at this point, a nerdy interverted otaku and as you can probably guess now the flashbacks have started at the top, we’ll be seeing how she became the sexpot rockstar she is now and how that drove a wedge betwene her and Scott. Julie SHOCKINGLY does not take this well and as Stephen to kil lher if she ever becomes friends with her. I mean I would but If I could travel into fictional works I certainly woudln’t be wasting my time murdering Julie. I’d be asking kim out and trying to get into some cool video game ablities myself. I ain’t got time for that bitch. 

Next cut Julie is ... even worse as she’s calling Scott some “jerky jerky ladykiller”, pointing out he’s hooked up with recurring background characters Sandra and Monique. Now GRANTED, Scott could’ve hurt them and Julie could be right for once..  we’ve seen he has a history of being an insenstive douche by pure accident. But.. from the sounds of it given his encounters with Sandra and Monique were both in seperate ladies rooms, as in casual hookups I assume are common in universities. As long as he used a condom and dind’t lie about being in it longterm, who the hell does it hurt. Same if he and Natlie ended up being that. He’s not a “ladykiller” if he got busy on a washroom sink. He just had casual sex in an awful location and given Scott is both horny and stupid freqently, I could buy he either inittated it clumsily and sandra and or monqiue went for it, or one of them thought he was cute and wanted a quick one with him and it just never went anywhere either due to lack of intrest or Scott being kind of a moron. I don’t buy he INTENTIONALLY hurt anyone, he MIGHT of hurt Sandra she seems kind of ditzy and might’ve not realized it wans’t serious.. but it just entirely sounds like a casual, consesual one time hookup with two seperate women. And as long as he wore a condom and repsected their needs what the fuck is it Julie’s buisness. BEcause their here freinds? I mean they told her but they weren’t expecting her to play dick sheirff with scott probably. And Natlie is not her buisness: their not really friends.. she’s just trying to ruin Scott’s day.  I honestly get the sense she only hates Scott because she can’t get rid of him, Stephen won’t dump him as a friend and he fucked her friends once. Which makes me hate her MORE. Natlie/Envy however also calls bullshit and thinks Scott’s much too awkward to be a ladykiller. Accurate. I mean he’s good with women and gets dates easily, he’s just not inteitonally leaving them high and dry. He’s just not great with empathy. 

Scott snaps back to the present and gets pissed.. and we get the real reason for the outburst as he shouts “You you ass! She USED to be NICE!”. It’s very clear that Scott blames Todd for Envy’s change into an cold and cruel person. But .. that’s not on him entirely. I do think Envy’s cattier, more cruel “play with prey like a cat with a mouse” personality at this point is due to Todd feeding into her worse impulses.... but the flashbacks make clear even before she saw him again she was slowly changing as a person for better, gaining a drive and passion for music.. and for worse, shutting scott out cheating on him and generally not carring about anything but her career, especially Scott. As much as he wants to belivie it she didn’t MAGICALLY change into a bitch overnight and beating todd won’t fix that. She became what she is as a choice. Todd just made what she became worse. 

After the predictable result of Scott getting flung into the air and falling back down, he has another flashback and we see the next phase of their relationship: Scott, Envy and Stephen playing in a band for Stacey and Wallace (!), whose hair is certainly a... choice. And the two falling in love and julie grilling scott on if he and nat are a couple because why stop making me wish for a bus to hit you NOW Jules?

So we then get ANOTHER iconic line and another scene that was perfectly translated into the film

Comic gold no matter the medium.. Brandon Routh just nailed it and I watched the scene again before writing this just out of curoisty. Flawless stuff. Check it out

I will say however that while Movie!Envy’s response of just quickly covering is pretty funny.. I prefer the comic’s envy’s utterly baffled and pissed off “What are you talking about Todd?”. Even she can’t fathom what the fuck just happened. But since it’s late and Todd’s brain is pretty fried, Envy calls for everyone to get some sleep and they’ll regroup tommorow at 1pm at Honest Ed’s. Honest Ed’s WAS a famous discount Store in Canada that sadly closed in 2016, making what ‘s about to happen to it here sad in hindsight. It was known for big sales, big spectacle and i’ts larger than life owner who sadly passed a few years after this volume. But god bless him for giving this series one of it’s best settings. More on that when we get there for now FLASHBACK

Back in College, we see Nat’s change into envy as she sells all her stuff for some bitching new boots and cd’s and during sex with Scott asks him to start calling her Envy. Their still somewhat happy, as the next flashback has Scott remembering their 8 month anniversary and her playfully mocking him as the girl.. before we get a much starker one of him telling her he loved her and her not responding.. and looking at him.. more.. bored than anything. 

Back in the present our heroes try to wait out the rain under a bank thing, can relate to the times i’ve visted the city and came out to rain, and when that fails Kim says she’s off and will see them at practice and tells Stephen to blow her when he asks her if she’s going to Honest Ed’s, then seems genuinly confused if he pissed her off before heading home. Swing and a miss stevie, swing and a miss. 

Scott is hungry and sorta drags Ramona, whose not in the mood for anything, over to Pizza Pete’s a nearbye eatery. It’s there they happen to run into Other Scott... Other Scott is another guy named Scott. He dosen’t do much in the books. But the name Other Scott is objectively funny and he is objectively nice so he’s fine in my book and I applaud the movie for using him as Wallace’s love intrest. Though I wouldn’t be REMOTELY suprised if they were fucking in the books too. And of course with him is Wallace himself, who really is just.. entering this volume in the most Wallace way possible. 

A little drunk, eating some cheap but good food, with a million dollar style and in just the exact right place at the exact right time. If that’s not Wallace Wells, I don’t know what is. Wallace and Other Scott were clubbin, not a huge suprise given Wallace has his own deep and complicated social life we never see and Wallace is naturally a little bit absolutley livid when he finds out Scott went to see Envy’s show anyway despite you know, putting him in a misery coma. Who do you think has to clean you and feed you when your like that Scott? Elves? Well I mean .. Wallace MIGHT be an elf.. but he stilld soen’t want to do either of those things.  He breifly gets sidetracked by the fact that Scott is wearing his shirt.. maybe. I mean he wore it the other day but given their living situation it’s honestly hard to tell. Ramona reminds him of his priorites

That’s part of the fun of rereading these again so soon after rereading them in december: I’m noticing tons of little moments like this I didn’t really before. The two explain things, including Ramona pointing out Scott’s extra stupid around Envy. I mean it’s a bit mean to point out given this is clearly a lot for him. 

Wallace brushes it off and promises to help him train like a true pal before being prompted to talk about this new boy he picked up Mobile.. who we wont’ see in person for a while but Wallace is clearly head over heels for and begs Scott to let him have the apartment.. or more accuratley Ramona, whose clearly not in the best of moods with Scott, to take him. His sales pitch is immaculate

So she agrees and a friendship is forged based on mutual hatred and being someone’s dipping sauce bitch. I’ve forged longer lasting friendships on far less. Also Wallace forgot his keys but wisely banked on his Gladstone Gander esque luck to help him out.. seriously i’m convinced he has a lower yield version of that. Or God wants to bang him but can’t because his penis is so powerful it CAN SPLIT A MOUNTAIN IN TWAINNNNN. You make the call. 

So they sleep it off, and Scott heads home early next morning.. and forgot he gave wallace his keys. Thankfully wallace finds him, and even got him donuts for when he came back, what a guy, makes you cry and I did. He also shows off a new trick about using your chi to dust rain off you. Turns out Mobile is psyhich which.. dosen’t come into play but for vallad reasons: Scott assumes Mobile can just.. give him psyhic powers and training but a) he and Wallace JUST met and while they’ll remain together for the rest of the series, it’s a big ask to have him help train his best friend to fight a man as dumb and chisled as a mountain, and B) “It dosen’t work that way” meaning scott’s probably not psi adept and even if he can be taught, there’s not NEARLY enough time for him to get good enough at shielding himself from Telkenisis in time given Todd’s already fighting him today and has two other oppprotunites afterwords to beat his ass to death. There’s just not enough time. So scott collapses with a donut in his mouth.. are .. are we sure this isn’t just a more attractive more sucessful canadian alternate me? 

We flashback to when Wallace met Envy and since i’ts post-becoming envy, it dosen’t go well and he hates her immidetly, and expects Scott to break up with her asap.. which while  bitchy.. actually woudl’ve been a good move in the long run. And “Bitchily phrased but a good move in the long run” has apparently always been Wallace’s go-to move. 

In the present Wallace helps Scott , who thinks everything sucks, realize it does not, with the help of fresh bacon and perspective, helping him avoid thinking Envy is “back” when she’s just vistiing and somewhat forces him to admit it’s not happening again nor should it. And implicity your both with other people, you’ve moved on, stay moved on. ANOTHER Flashback, this time with Envy asking Scott how he and Wallace met after dinner with Scott’s parents. It’s the story we’ve been hinting at since.. uh last volume. 

And indeed it is somewhat gay! Behold! The origin of a friendship to piece the heavens or .. something like that. I’m tired. 

It’s a quick breezy story that honestly both explains a lot and is what you’d expect; Wallace taking an intrest, Wallace presumibly realising Scott is straight off screen but deciding fuck it I like this guy let’s be pals instead, and jjust sorta showing up at his house. But since it’s Wallace and he and Scott both love gaming.. it just stuck. And it’s easy to see why. Scott’s a bit of an introvert and Wallace is a ton of an extrovert. Wallce is nice, naturally charming and endlessly cool, and as you can see it took him probably just an afternoon to go from freaking scott out for showing up randomly, to Scott talking the guy up and clearly being the bosom buddies they are now. The two just ballance each other out well. Wallace need’s scott’s weirdness and general heart, and Scott needs Wallace to keep him from running into the brick walls of life via his own stupidity and conflict avoidance. It’s what they do, they make it a two player game. 

So later that day, and some off screen training later, presumibly to the song Two Player Game despite the fact it didn’t exist yet, our heroes (Scott, Ramona and Wallace), Villians (Envy and Todd) and other not so much evil as just cretionus assholes (Stephen and Julie) arrive. It’s also clear that Envy just made up the challenge as she went and I fucking love it, just saying they’ll run to the back, try and kill each other and no psychic powers, with Scott’s own handicap being “He isn’t a surivivor” which earns a rightful you unebleiviable bitch from wallace and a just ast rightful “fair enough” from Scott. 

Stephen wonders what the deal is and Julie’s answer is... I don’t.. I can’t unpack this. 

Meanwhile Wallace says “I hate her so much” Which I THINK was meant for Envy, but as a teen I interpited as being for Julie. Then again it being BOTH is entirely possible given no one can stand Julie for more than five mintues other than Stephen. And that’s because he’s still in the closet and hasn’t come out as bi or gay and thus sees her as a safe option or he really sucks with his taste in partners. Or a little from collumn a , a little from collumn b. So yeah Scott wants a Strategy and Wallace has.. nothing other than “Well he can’t use his powers so.. use that. I guess.. I dunno. I’m hungover” though Ramona warns he can’t go long without using them without freaking out. So gooood? I’m starting to think Kim is the most useful member in his crew for this fight.. and she’s the one who decided to nope out of it because she didn’t want to watch his ex pick him apart mentally and her muscly new boyfriend pick him apart with MIND BULLETS. Wallace isn’t really helping this go round, though he’s still a treasure, Ramona is trying but dosen’t have much, and Stephen thought bringing Julie was in any way shape or form a good idea. Which really sums up their entire relationship so it’s not surprising, it just makes me question why the two are friends at all. 

No really,  out of Scott’s three close friends.. this friendship feels the most like two guys who just used to hang out but have no real reason too other than convience. Wallace would go to bat for scott.. with an actual bat.. to Envy’s skull. He just dosen’t want to go to jail.. again. Kim pines for him, pun intended, and also does care, she just dosen’t show it because scott’s kinda a moron parade and an insenstivity brunch rolled into one. So she sticks around even though it hurts to. Stephen.. lost his big shot in part due to Scott (Though Envy’s pushness and lack of consideration for his feelings didn’t help), his shrew of a girlfriend hates him and he’s not that good at bass... and I just got it. While Tornoto’s a big city , he’s probably not sure if Kim would be doing this without Scott. He’s.. entirely still his friend because he needs a bass player and kim’s a damn fine drummer whose hard to replace. I just got it.. it makes him a self serving douchecanoe for only being someone's friend because he needs a bass player even though he doesn’t like him, but I at least GET IT now. 

 So the rush into Honest Ed’s begins and.. my god this whole sequence is sublimely redelcous. It feels like what would ACTUALLY happen if two guys fought for the reasons scott and todd are fighting: just two idiots dinking around in a discount store. Scott dosen’t even last a few seconds before shouting in response to Todd’s taunts “We are all dead”, tripping while looking for eyeware and well..

Meanwhile Todd starts to break down while shouting FATHEERRRRRRR like all good psychics. As for how long this beautiful nonsense has been going on....

Oh and if you thought it hadn’t gotten redicously hilarious enough... wait till you see what’s next. 

No words.. should’ve.. sent a poet.. got a tubby asshole who reviews comics, disney shows and disney comics instead.... 

So we then get a montage in todd’s head with his SHOCKINGLY OLD dad telling him he dosen’t have the willpower to be a vegan.. Lynette telling him she’s his for the taking and Envy will never know as she opens her shirt, and 

Gideon.. showing he not only consults the league but confriming what the audience and scott realized: He’s behind these assholes.. but it also shows how much. He’s actively coaching them.. and granted we KNEW the exes were in contact with one another given Lucas was having an understandable sigh about Matthew.. but this shows Gideon isn’t just some player and this isn’t some automated service. He brought them all together. The how ends up being hilarious, and we’ll get to that but while it was obvious he was the final boss this is a nice and terrifying bit of clarification. As for what happened next.. well Todd freaks out with his powers from not using them

Really sad in hindsight.. but still really funny despite the horrifying concidence. So yeah our hero declares victory but dind’t really when and things just kinda end. This segment went basically nowhere and acomplished nothing. .but was still really fun, with great lines and is one of the most memorable and awesome scenes in the series.  It also shows the series growth between volumes: Last volume had a lot of cool moments.. but no real plot structure, just a bunch of things that needed to happen to get here. With Volume 3.. things are VERY tightly plotted, and even a fun but kinda pointless diversion like this... still fits in perfectly, giving us a second Scott and Todd fight to build him up, showing off just HOW powerful Todd is, and fleshing out the tofu headed douche a bit. As we’ve seen this volume still has it’s little slice of life moments the series does well. their just well put into a very compelling and fast paced plot, one we’re fully invested in as we see Scott’s torment and Ramona’s mounting anger at envy’s bullshit. It helps that Envy and Todd are the second best big bads of a volume behind gideon himslef in the fimale, with Roxy close at their heels if you were curious. Envy just oozes ego and superiority and is fun to watch every time, while we see moments once in a while that show she’s still human underneath even if she acts like a goddes.. and is admitely one of my types but that’s enough of that. She provides a nice contrast to ramona, also being standofish and mysterious but wheras ramona is clearly mysterious out of shame for a past she’s not proud of Envy is out of a past.. she has no reason to flee from and was never that bad.The only part Envy kept was Todd which was an objectively bad decision. 

Todd meanwhile like all the exes as I re-realized.. is a mirror to scott. Each one has a piece of his worse traits amplified and expanded. So far Patel has been scott’s dorkyness, expanded from 

To being a giant showy hipster douche desperate to seem cool and important. Lucas is scott’s afabliity and laziness taken to just outright avoiding a fight.. not nearly as bad as the others given he still has one of Scott’s best qualities with no drawbacks.  But Todd.. is probably the ex that mirrors scott the second most. Besides both being base players with shaggy hair, both are delightfully stupid, both have a lot of charisma besides that and both are extremley good in a fight.  But noticably.. Todd zigs a lot where Scott zags and the simlarites sort of stop. While both are objectively attractive, Todd is more conventinually chisled while Scott is more adorable, expertly reflected in the movie by having former Superman Brandon Routh opposite former George Micheal, Micheal Cera.  Todd’s ablities are mental while Scott’s are entirely in martial arts and later swordplay. Todd has a rough relationship with his dad who never supported him and constnatly doubted him while Scott’s parents fully support him and love him uncdoitoinaly and despite his protests and annoyance with them.. it’s clear he still cares about them and loves them.  And most damingly.. Scott treats people like garbage sometimes.. but it’s because he’s oblivoius. He’s a finaical burden on Wallace, cheated on Knives, gave Kim no closure, blew up Stephen’s chances at the big time, and in general can be kind of a dick.. but NONE of that is intetnional. It dosen’t make it okay, the books make that clear.. but it’s why we can still root for him: It’s something that can be fixed. Scott hurts people a lot but he lacks gneuinely malicious intent. He leaves a lot of pain in his wake.. but it’s because he’s socially inept, and again and I say this as someone with atusitim myself, defintely on the spectrum , so he dosen’t GET he’s hurting people unless they tell him. Something that will probably not shock you but I relate to and has happened to me in the past, hence while i’ll clal him a douche or stupid, because he’s both, I do sympathize with the guy as the whilrwilnd of descrution is just him being so intent on being seen as a good person and moving past things he can’t see the wreckage in ihs wake, and the series is about him growing past that mindset. 

Todd.. is just an entitled dick who KNOWS he’s probably going to hurt people but does the things anyway because he thinks as a rock star he can do whatever he wants. As a Vegan he’s superior so he’s allwoed to do WHATEVER he wants. He’s so obessed with making his dad not see him as a failure he’s developed an Ego that can only be visualized properly using well.. Ego

That’s what his ego has become. He’s so up his own ass his head is coming out of his mouth somehow. He’s so in love with himself he’s probably googled “How to make a sexy clone of yourself”. He’s scott’s oblivoiusness and selfishness, but with genuine intent. He’s scott if he KNEW what he was doing was wrong.. and said fuck it anyway i’m a rockstar baby. Todd, is EASILY what scott could’ve been at envy’s side had they not broken up.. successful.. but an utter bastard who only cares about themselves.  Anyways we cut to practice that night were Stephen is spiraling and Kim declines going to the show.. not for the obvious reasons of wanting to avoid another round of “watch Envy tourture scott before Todd beats his skull in with his psychic powers”, but because she has a date. Lucky bastard. The guys are naturally as tactful as you’d expect about this and suggest she’s doing a collage or puzzles before she shuts htem down and they awkardly recover and I laugh my ass off. 

So Scott and Ramona head out, trading some talk and what have you and having some Sushi, not going there often because they can’t afford it.. but it’s cool Scott swipied Wallace’s card. When pressed on his douchebaggery Scott assures her. 

We’ll get more into this next time, but needless to say Scott’s mooching is finally becoming a plot point next time. Speaking of next time on the way to the show Ramona realizes “Wait why the hell are we doing this” and convinces Scott not to go as they can relax, have a night off, cuddle and stuff, and then Scott can fight Todd tommorow at the big show. Why DO they need to sit in with two assholes who are only inviting them to fuck with their heads some more. Well okay one asshole while Todd is okay with all this he probably just mubled some “sure whatevers” while trying to solve a rubix cube while Envy outlined her plans to him before rearanging the stickers so he could win.. I Mean with his mind so it’s sitll a little impressive but still. 

So they TRY making out, complete with being in their undies.. but it just dosen’t work as both of them keep picturing Envy’s face and that’s not good for either of them.

AND it was at this point fucking tumblr.. ate an hour’s worth of work I just did. Probably not something you need to know or care about but something that pisses me off greatly as I was approaching the end of the review and now have to either retype or entirely rethink what I JUST spent a while working hard on. 

And this time I mean it. The only reason i’m not giving up and shelving this review for a bit.. is ithat i’m a stubborn bastard who refuses to give up that easily and who needed to vent about this to somewhere. 

So Ramona finally comes clean about Todd.. and in a nice moment admits to cheating on Lucas with him “It wasn’t very nice but I wasn’t a nice person”. It’s a small thing, something I didn’t notice before.. but it’s actually a big step given how guarded Ramona is to admit to doing something this bad. Last volume, just a few days ago time wise, she lied entirely about this and probably has no idea Scott knows already. But she’s being honest, telling him the truth so he’ll be prepared for what’s coming and know the full story.  The full story is they were both little shits who raised hell together till Todd disappeared for a while. He shows up as you’d expect, dickishily interupting class before explaning Dairy Scientests kidnapped and experimented on him. He also says this

So he proves his love. in the most badass and horrifying way possible: BY MAKING ONE OF THE TWO BIG NOTICABLE CRATERS ON THE GODDAMN MOON. 

One of the series best jokes. Ramona also takes a hard pass to learning about envy and asks about Kim... not for any reason.. just thinks sh’es nice. It’s not like she wants to make out with her face.. a lot. Just.. girl things. SHUT UP. She’s also unsatisfied with Scott’s piss take version of his relationship with her.  Closing out the chapter, Knives.. has somehow climbed a huge pile of billboardsi n the middle of tornoto.. which would be awesome.. if it weren’t such a beautifully sad image. 

Whelp my heart just exploded with pain at this poor girl whose lost the love of her live, which is a goood thing mind you but dosen’t mean it dosen’t hurt less, her faviorte band and her highlights all in the span of a month.  Moving on as we approach the final act, we get a brief scene as Todd orders some Gelato, which is itallian icec ream, very not vegan and Envy does not relaize this. Todd however rants about being a rock star, being so above people and as for the rules

We also get this lovely bit

And then they make out and i’ts treated as a big shocker despite.. us.. finding that out several dozen pages ago. We know already. 

Back at Scott and Wallace’s place, Ramona shows up with cool new blue hairdoo, which I agree with Wallace is awesome and admits she changes her hair up every couple of weeks.. someething that in the color version we do see better. We also get a gag that no longer makes sense as he asks if that’s her natural haircolor and she says yay and the caption admits this was funnier in black and white. Eh one or two jokes for some really pretty colors is a fair enough trade. 

Scott however once again bitches about his hair, despite Ramona pointing out to him and Wallace that.. there’s like dozens of haircut places within walking distance. I remain unsuprised thier that oblivous. But to shut her boyfriend up she agrees to cut his hair and while they do asks what Envy’s actual name is.. scott’s response .. is pretty heartbreaking “Natalie. She stopped liking it. Then she stopped liking me.  So Scott shows up with his NEW HAIR CUT.. aka his old one just trimmed up a bit, but the one you see in modern merch and the game. A bit shaggy but not as long. Scott reassures Stephen whose spiraling with panic that it won’t be the same as last time and they’ll have fun. Kim, understandably and having not been told anything, wonders what “last time was”. After everyone chimes in Kid chamelon i’ts time for another FLASHBACK.. as you were probably expecting by now.. but this time I added some proper effects to spice it up. 

So we find out more of whta drove a wedge between the two: Envy slowly but surely took a tryanical death grip on the band, adding some guy named Joel on the drums, possibly the same guy from Crash and the Boys, and bumping Scott to bass, without asking him or Stephen about this and just sorta.. demanding it. While her intetnions are understandable, she just wants the band’s best sound.. her actions are still head tiltingly obnoxious, and clearly show she had not studied rock history yet as usually taking absolute control of the band and ignoring your band mates is the easiet way to destroy a band. Sometimes it’s just envy, pun unintneded but welcome, but yeah.. it’s no wonder they didn’t last. Scott is also shown to be more and more uncomfortable with the band going from a fun thing he did with his friend and girlfriend.. to something that could make him famous.. something he’s very transparently not ready for and dosen’t want.  And it makes sense: he was just a dumb college kid in love.. he didn’t start the band for fame or glory.. he just wanted to have fun. Same with his current band. And while in the PRESENT his lack of ambition can be obnoxious and will be a problem in the next volume, here.. he’s still in college and sudeenly got thrust into a career he dosen’t want with a person who no longer loves or respects him. It’s understandable that he’s a nervous , miserable wreck. 

So in the present, Stephen is throwing up and asking for julie and Scott.. is a dick and ignores him. Were it anyone else and any other relationship currrently int he books I would actually give a shit. So he wonders around a bit, running into some teens who are intrested in him, word travels fast apparently, Julie, who for once displays a human emotion of concern for Stephen or the closest she can, and thankfully Wallace, Stacey and Micheal,who now has a spooky skeleton ring from the future and badly needs his own spinoff. Stacey TRIES to pump her brother up.. but it’s clear he’s in no good mental place for that and trudges off while Wallace, man of the year, worries about him.  One GOOD THING about the astronomical setback that happened is in the orignal draft of this.. I forgot to talk about Stacey. Despite promising to. So here it goes: After this Stacey.. just sorta vanishes from the series. She’s still around and while not super promient gets a decent amount of screentime in the finale, she makes cameos before then. But from this book on she’s no longer a main character like she was in the first two books. There she had several scenes, lots of focus, and her own mini arc in the first one about Wallace stealing her boyfriends. There’s. an actual reason for this as O’Malley regretted naming her after his sister and thus basically stopped writing her unless he had to, sticking her in once in a while to assure fans he hadn’t forgotten her but removing her from the main plot.  That being said while his reason is weak.. I dn’t think it’s the ONLY reason she slid into the background. The main cast already had 6 characters, and on top of that this volume heavily focuses on Envy, the next adds Lisa Miller to the mix, and every volume frmo this one on has increased focus on the ex of the week, building them up more as characters and giving them way more screen time. Stacey.. really didn’t have a unique niche or roll in the sotry the other 5 non-scott leads didn’t: Knives filled out the position as the baby of Scott’s friend group, Ramona and Wallace served as better voices of reason, Kim and Wallace had better chemistry with Ramona and thus worked better as her friends, and Stpehn. did nothing she did but still at least had a part to play as band leader and the only one of Sex Bomb-Omb with ambition. Stacey is not a bd character and DID deserve to still be  way more prominent.. but her move to the back let Kim take her place and rightfully so. And not just because of the crush on kim thing, Kim’s just more compelling and tha’ts an objective fact. Still would’ve been nice to learn more about Stacey though. 

Scott then frees his girlfriend from a conversatoin with Sandra and Monique, as Julie bitchily told both about Gideon which Envy told her about, because as your every couple of paragraphs reminder, Julie is a piece of shit. Scott then orders them some alchols, breaking his usual teetotling and runs into kim, hollie and joseph. with Hollie here to see the band and .. Joseph here to see todd. At least h’es honest.. for this volume. Anyways, our happy couple soon split off for a bit and while we bounce back and forth.. i’m just going to cover what hapepned with each seperately as SOMEHOW tumblr once again ate a good hour’s worth of work, this review is already a day late, and I have both abother one and a dental apointment today. So in short

Ramona and Kim: Kim fills Ramona in on her past.. via  tone down, seemingly contridctary, and as we’ll find out later the true version of what happened: She was with Simon, he was a dick, Scott showed up he was also a dick, things happened. I guess. Ramona is disapointed, though Kim does provide some crucial info on her moving to tronto.. and reuniting with scott. 

It honestly.. explains a LOT of why Scott is the way he is what happened with Envy. He saw Envy change entirley as a person.. and thus feels changing as a person , and smoking, is a sign of something bad.. when really it just means.. your changing. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst but we area LWAYS changing and it took me a lont time to realize that. The two are distracted from this though by Todd sloppily making out with Lynette in front of everyone. 

We’re also reintroduced to Crash and the Boys, now redubbed the boys and crash, and seemingly playing music without intsturments. The thorughly lovely and rediculous explinaton for this and their new gloves and goggles, i’ll save for in a bit. 

Scott and Envy, Scott and Knives: Scott goes out to get some air.. only to find Envy, who despite menally tourturing him for a few days insits they talk like regular people.. Scott wisely counters with “Nat when did we ever talk like real people” and while saying he won’t get to call her that again, it still chips down her walls for a second and shows that a bit of who she used to be, loath as she is to admit it, is still there. 

Scott then spots knives... and has a moment of truth. And a hell of a series of reaction panels

It’s a VERY good scene.. that i’ve written about TWICE now but regardless, it shows Scott.. genuinely changing. Ignoring his past actions, running away from them and trying to pretend he never fucked up once... that’s been his go to. It’s his main flaw and hte one that takes the entire series to deal with as we’ll get into. And it’s here.. he faces it for the first time. He’s scared of knives at first.. but realizes.. he genuinely hurt her, and she’s where she is, cold, alone, and huddled in an ally lost and confused, because of him. Sure Envy hurt her.. but so did he.. and what’s worse. he did it just like Envy hurt him. Not thinking of her as a persona nd throwing her away when he didn’t need her. And so after books of build up.. he finally takes some responisblity and talks to her. It’s WHY the books work: Sure scott’s a dick, and remains a bit of one throughout, but.. he means well, isn’t inteitonally a standoffish prick, and slowly grows PAST this, and tries to be better, for Ramona.. and just because it’s the right thing to do. 

So Knives reflects on the past few weeks, admitting that it’s been unbearably painful.. but she can’t and won’t go back to who she used to be. She’s lost her innocnce and all that, been dumped by the “love of her life”, been punched in the face by her faviorite drummer and treated like dogshit by her faviorite artist. Todd did nothing for once but gets no credit because of who we’re dealing with here. Point is.. it was a lot and while sh’es not HAPPY.. she’s greatful for it. Scott however.. steps up, saying what Envy did was wrong, she deserved better.. and finally, after how terribly he broke up wit hher.. apologizes for how he hurt her. And while Knives takes this as hope they’l get back together, Scott continues to be very mature, especially for his usual behavior, telling her no, it won’t happen, to give neil a try as whle she is dating him because he looks like Scott he’s not all bad, and that wallce was right: she was too good for him. And while Knives isn’t ready to accept it.. Scott did the right thing. Good for you man. 

So while he, and later kim and stephen seperatly, get ready, Ramona.. runs into Envy. Whose oddly nice for ahlf a second.. before bringing up Gideon and giving Ramona a barrage of insults, clearly trying ONCE AGAIN, to knock her down and wreck her. Thing is while Scott clearlya nd understandably has baggage with Envy is easy prey for her manipulative elephant dung, Ramona. isn’t. All Envy’s done is piss her off more and more with each act of high school level mean girl bullshit... and sh’es done with it. 

FIGHT’S ON. This Volume.. is honestly where Ramona really comes into bloom, pun intended, as the duetragonist of the books. While the book IS about Scott getting his life together and their relationship and he’s still her hero.. the books are also about RAMONA growing as a person, her own flaws and past, and the climax of all of them.. is just as much about her as it is scott. And this book has her own flaws come into play: Just like Scott she runs from the past, from who she was, and only faces it when needed, which will become more apparent as we go. But at the same time, we get to see far more of her personality as a result as her mysterious facade continues to drop. She’s prone to getting upset, but also clever and witty and knows her limits, knowing that going to that second performance would’ve just done no good and knowing herself very well, something Scott has genuine trouble with. She’s strong, sarcastic and knows who she is and what she wants and this volume finally brings that into focus. Not only that but her fight with Envy, is just as warranted, climatic and awesome as Scott’s fight coming up, as no one has stood up to envy due to her fame.. but Ramona.. dosen’t care. Someone’s gotta stop her, and Ramona’s taking up the job. And the awesome looking hammer. 

That being said taking up a giant hammer against a beloved celebrity dosen’t win you any point, so Ramona finds herself discouraged, even if Envy can very clearly handle herself. Thankfully she gets some encouragment from exactly who you’d expect. 

And Wallce.. turns out to be pretty useful. At least in this one fight. His shouting not only gives Ramona her fight back.. but keeps distracting envy, leaving her wide open. The tide turns though when Wallace has to pee, and Envy uses the distraction to knock the hamme rout of Raona’s hand and prepare to flatten her. But once again.. someone save sher in the knick of time.. and this time it’s the LAST person you’d expect, as Knives gives the hammer a flying kick.. and then crashes into a wall, and when Ramona, understandably not getting this since she tried to turn her into swiss cheese earlier this week, asks why, Knives admit’s she just wants Scott to be happy. Knives has grown too, and while she’s still obessed with Scott and waiting for themt o break up.. she’s no longer going to try and wedge her way in. If Ramona is what Scott wants, tha’ts what he gets. 

All three are distracted by well.. this...

State of your outfits mates. Though that line is iconic. But serously the outfits are hilaroiusly and reaslitically mismatched. Kim’s home made and overdone gothica lolita outfit that dosen’t match her AT ALL, goth yes , poofy goth no. Stephen’s johnny cash outfit he clearly had lying around and Scott’s Dad Suit. 

That being said.. still the best looking one of the three. But Envy takes advantage to regrab the hammer and try and murder the two of them.. but Scott sees this.. and well... you get it by now, one more time. Bake me away toys!

So we get the final weeks or days or whatever of the relationship. In a nice parallel to Scott playing Ramona a song he does the same for Envy.. who both questions what this is for then is confused why he’d do something so sweet. Next scene is her getting a call while their cuddling in bed from some guy she idntiefies as Jason and.. barely disguises is clearly cheating on Scott with. and could possibly be todd I dunno.  After that we get to Kid Chamelon preparing to sign a deal and Envy.. trying to press Scott into sginging it, ignoring his obvious discomfort, and then casually threanting to replace him. While Scott does give us a face punchingly dickish comment about “How he started this band to meet chicks and maybe he met the wrong chick”... he’s still somehow in the right as while he’s being a manic dickhead... Envy has ceased seeing him as a person or even something she cares about and tells him to get a hair cut and leave. 

We then get the breakup itself as Scott goes up to envy.. and she tells him to get out of her life. ack in the present, Scott’s grown enough to realize he has to stop her and does so.. by touching hte back of her knee which.. uhhhh.

So yeah.. he beat her with an orgasm, and that looks oddly hot. And i’m moving on before that last part of the sentence sinks in. Envy, once she recovers, orders Todd to do a murder on them, but Todd’s not there and Ramona, naturally, brags about him having cheated on her. Envy.. denis.. this. 

I .. don’t have time to unpack that. This review is late, I have two other reviews to get to today. Time for ANOTHER flashback. 

This time it’s Envy teling a story bok verion of her and Toddd’s relationship. It’s a real poetic and well done sequence. In a nuthsell: Envy and Todd were best friends and deeply in love as kids until todd moved away i’m guessing sometime in middle school. Deeply depressed, Envy sailed through life as sort of a ghost, TRYING to find another connection like that, but failing. Todd returned after she graduated though, and gave her a symbol of his love.. a hole on the moon. Yes another one. And they both promised to never waiver as he went off to the vegan academy. Clearly Envy did with Scott... but it paints her ambition in another light. One where she wanted to be big and bold enough for him.. but slowly carved out her old self to do so. 

And as is obvious it was pointlness: not only did Envy love someone else.. but Todd never cared as much as she did. As Ramona points out, and relcutnantly because even she feels a little bad about this one, he did the moon trick with her.. and this time Envy CAN’T deny it.. becaue the evidence is right there. 

And of course Todd.. makes his case even WORSE by picking that moment to come out of the bathroom, sipping up his pants, with panties on his head, and with Lynette following right after him. Envy.. tries to murder Lynette, her go to, but LYnette teleports out. Because she can do that. Though Envy does hit her cyborg arm so she looes that and the panties and Ramona offers to mount it at her place if Kim takes the panties, but kim admits she wasn’t scrapbooking, she said she was and was just making the dress. Horay, as ramona puts it “Col se can still be friends. Right.. FRIENDS. 

Envy TRIES to cave Todd’s skull in, get some therapy woman, but Todd naturally tk’s it away but despite being the king of all assholes DOES care enough not to fight her. Envy... plays nice then knees him in the nuts like he fucking deserves. Todd then returns to being the once and future douchebag by TK’ing her into the crowd and bragging about it. 

Scott dosen’t take this well, even after everything and the final fight begins. They have a bass fight.. but like the game i’ts redicuously one sided since Todd both is a skilled bassist compared to Scott.. and is still using his psychic powers lest you forget he’s a bastard man. 

The Boys and Crash however show up to even the odds.. and their trainig is the reason they can play music without insturments as they can now manipulate pur sound. Fucking beautiful. But even they aren’t enough and Todd swats them aside. 

While poorly is a bit harsh.. the vegan police show up, which is awesome, though the movie got thomas jane for one of them and had that high five so they win. But yeah.. while this is hilarous.. and the scene with them is great.. it’s also the weakest part of an otherwise near perfect book. It just feels a bit anti clmatic that after all this build up.. Todd is just.. beaten with a sloppy depower. The boys and crash would’ve still been a cop out, but it would’ve been a freaking cool cop out.  The thing that saves it is afterwords Scott still gets an epic finish: after they devganize him for the gelato earlier, scott headbutts him epicly and wins. He gets money and. 

A 1-up, which understandibly terrfies him but will come in hand in a few volumes. Trust me. Scot checks on everyone. Ramona’s fine, Envy is not and breifly blames scott before he points out Todd was a no good cheating dickwad, and Kim is obviously fine as nothing happend, but him asking is a nice bit of charcter growth. Kim asks about kinves but she’s okay and neil is helping her. But theshow must go on and since the headliners are dead (don’t worry he’ll respawn), in parts unknown and in emotoinal apocalypse, someone’s gotta play.

So our heroes have the show of their lives, and crowd reaction is mostly positive with Jospeh noticing htier levels were horrible, a hint for next time, and the crew interviewing everyone.. including a mysterous gentleman having a beer, who has no commenta nd walks away. 

 Gideon.. was here the whole time,but he’s not ready for Scott JUST yet. Still a really damn cool tease for the final boss. 

So we close the next day, Scott and Envy sorta make up, with both apologizing for their behavor and while Scott gets no closure, envy promises to return.. and makes good on it. But.. that’s for the finale. For now Scott’s girlfriend and best buddy give him a moment to baste in his pathos, before heading off. And in a nice bit of metaphor, the clouds part, and our three amigos walk off into the sunset and a bright future. Three down 4 to go.  Next time: Lesbian Artist Ninjas! Side Stories! Scott Gets A Job! The Band gets a producer! Kim gets a decent apartment and a boyfriend! Lisa returns! See you in feburary. 

Until then if you liked this review, spread it around andi f ther’es a comic you want me to cover, my comissions are open. Until the next rainbow, it was a pleasure. 

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: The League of Evil Exes

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is one of the greatest cult classics of the 2010s for a wide variety of reasons: it had great performances, it got a video game adaptation that didn’t suck, it had an awesome soundtrack, and best of all, it apparently ruined an entire generation of women! What couldn’t this movie do (besides make a profit at the box office)? Of course, more than anything, this movie delivered on the promise of its premise by having Scott Pilgrim fight against the seven evil exes of his manic pixie dream girl Ramona Flowers.

That’s right: There’s not one, not two, not three, but seven villains to talk about in this movie!

Thankfully, this massive amount of villains makes it a lot easier to talk about them, because each of them basically gets only a single scene with which to establish their characterization and deliver a fun, exciting battle. Still, it’s pretty interesting to look at them, especially since not all exes are created equal. As a note, I’m obviously not doing a “Best Scene” for these guys because... they basically have one scene each. It would be redundant.

Motivation/Goals: The League of Evil Exes has a very simple goal: to control the future of Ramona’s love life. As Lucas says during his battle with Scott: “The Seven Evil Exes? Coming to kill you? Controlling the future of Ramona's love life?” This is especially funny because Lucas is probably the least evil of the lot. While this is an incredibly simple motivation, it fits with the tone of the movie; this is a sort of a Bowser-esque motivation, one that perfectly fits a movie that is so steeped in video game culture.

Performance: Lets go one by one here:

Satya Bhabha is the first of the evil exes, Matthew Patel, and he really eases you into what to expect for the rest of the evil exes, though here “eases you into” means “grabs you by the balls and swings you over the head like a chimpanzee.” Despite his meager screentime, he makes the most of it, delivering a Bollywood-esque musical number complete with fireballs and demon hipster chicks and generally just hamming it up. This right here is just a warmup, though, because things get crazier from here – just like in a video game, really.

Lucas Lee, the second evil ex, is a big-shot movie star regarded as a pretty good actor by all who see him. Unfortunately, they got some unknown weirdo named Chris Evans to play him, but casting this obscure indie actor certainly paid off, because Lucas Lee’s smug, over-confident portrayal combined with his affable nature make him one of the most enjoyable characters in the movie. He really comes off as a cool, cocky guy who just happens to be going up against our hero as opposed to being an actual antagonizing force.

Todd Ingram is the other best evil ex, and much like Lee it’s mostly because he’s a pretty nice guy. However, the key difference is while Lee was cocky and affable, Ingram is just kind of a ditz. Played by one-time Superman Brandon Routh, he opts to go for the more subuded route, a cold ham as opposed to a large ham, and he definitely makes it work; I did call him the OTHER best evil ex, after all.

Then we come to Roxy Richter, played by Katara herself, Mae Whitman. She’s a very angry, tomboyish lesbian who gets in a lot of great lines and shows off a very jaded, irritated personality in her limited screentime. She’s definitely a lot of fun, though apparently she has a lot of elements of Envy Adams due to being combined with an early idea to make her Ramona’s evil ex in the movie.

The Katayanagi Twins. Ken and Kyle, are… nothing. Because Keita and Shota Saitou (Kyle and Ken, respectively) did not speak English, the twins have no lines and don’t really get to establish much of a presence before dying. It’s a bit unfortunate, because it becomes really easy to forget these two are here as a result.

Gideon Gordon Graves is a smarmy, smug, condescending jackass. You have met a man like him before, and you have wanted to punch his face in. Jason Schwartzman really amps up the sleaze when playing this creepy, controlling bastard, making him a fitting final boss.

Final Fate: Each and every one of them is defeated by the end of their scenes, bursting into progressively larger amounts of coins, with Patel being pretty meager in terms of value and Gideon literally making it rain when he’s defeated. It does kind of feel weird that the twins are worth more than a beloved actor like Lucas Lee, or that Roxy is worth more than both Lee and a musician like Ingram, but frankly this isn’t really a movie where you should be overthinking stuff to begin with.

Best Quote: I don’t think I can really say Patel or Gideon have amazing, quotable lines to the extent as some of the others, but I’d be pretty remiss to not mention Todd’s legendary “...Chicken isn’t vegan…?” and Roxy’s equally legendary “Well honey… I’m a little bi-FURIOUS!” here. Lucas Lee has a lot of good lines but he’s quite frankly too consistent for me to pick one; Chris Evans really just went all-out for this one.

Final Thoughts & Score: Once again, let’s go one by one:

Matthew Patel

Matthew is the definition of a warmup boss, at least by the standards of this film. He brings a lot of insanity to the table all at once, what with his demons and Bollywood musical number and sick dance moves, but the fact he’s probably not the most insane and baffling character in the film really tells you something. He definitely makes the most of his screentime, and while his fight is relatively short, it’s a lot of fun. This man deserves an S-L-ICK 8/10.

Lucas Lee

Lucas Lee is probably the second best evil ex in the movie. He’s just so cocky, arrogant, and hilarious, and he still manages to come off as a bit polite. Its like if Captain America and Ransom Drysdale had a baby, Lucas Lee would be it. The fact he’s played by a pre-superstardom Chris Evans really is the icing on the cake here though, because his battle is fun and ends with Scott defeating him by playing into his arrogance. Ah! But he didn’t get his autograph… Oh well. Lucas Lee is an easy 10/10.

Todd Ingram

As much as I love Lee, I have to say that Todd easily has the most impressive fight in the entire film, in large part due to his awesome psychic powers he gains from being a vegan. I gave one of his legendary quotes up there, but frankly, the entire battle is awesome and quotable, the fact that at least half the battle is a rock-off is great, and the fact Scott tricks him in the most stupidly amazing to defeat him and put him at the mercy of the Vegan Police is just amazing. There’s also just the sheer novelty of how, with the power in hindsight, we got to see Superman (Routh) dating Captain Marvel (Brie Larson portrayed Envy, Scott’s ex and Todd’s girlfriend and bandmate). Todd is just a perfect, lovable idiot villain, and deserves nothing less than a 10/10.

Roxy Richter

Roxy actually gets to show up twice in the film, getting a brief scene with Scott a while before her identity is revealed. While her screentime doesn’t really amount to much, it really is incredible how much characterization they managed to pack into her limited screentime, her dialogue really selling how she is easily the most bitter and angry off all the exes. She seems genuinely hurt at some points that Ramona left her and considers her just a phase, though this of course doesn’t stop her from trying to ruin her life. In a weird way, I’d almost call her the most complex of the exes, and Mae Whitman does a great job at selling her. I will say though, despite her fight scene being filled with some of the best dialogue in the film (which is saying a lot, mind you), the overall fight is a little lackluster, and Ramona getting in makes it reek of “designated girl fight.” Still, there’s nothing so egregious about her that I’d give her anything less than a 9/10.

The Katayanagi Twins

These two, quite simply, suck. They get absolutely no characterization, they get no dialogue due to the actors not speaking English, they get no personality. They are, quite simply, just there, and they are just there because Scott needs to fight a fifth and sixth ex. There’s really not much to say here except that their fight scene is admittedly pretty cool and it’s fun to imagine how the hell their relationship with Ramona worked. Did they date her one after the other? Were they in a weird poly relationship? Did they both just spitroast her on the weekends? For those two things I’ll save them from the very bottom of the barrel and give them a 2/10.

Gideon Gordon Graves

Gideon is a smug, evil, controlling creep for sure, and he is the final evil ex Scott must face. But the thing is, he kind of doesn’t feel any more wieighty than any of the others? Gideon is for all intents and purposes the final boss, and while he does get a little buildup, it all comes in the final acts of the film. It certainly doesn’t make him a bad villain – he actually manages to temporarily kill Scott, and puts up more of a fight than any of the others – but considering how awesome Todd, Lucas, Roxy, and Matthew were in style and personality, Gideon kind of comes off as underwhelming. Yes, he is definitely the most evil of the exes, but he just doesn’t really have the “WOW” factor the others do. He’s an 8/10 for sure.

Well, I guess that’s it, that’s every villain in the mo-

Wait?

What’s this?!

Psycho Analysis: Nega Scott

…

[a-walk-in-silence]

Wired On Coffee

Pairing: Steve Rogers x fem!reader

Word Count: 5.5k

Summary: The time heist was successful, but losses were made. It's time to assemble the gauntlet and end this thing for good. But is this really the end?

Warnings: Endgame, character death, mourning, cursing, mentions of experimentation, survivor's guilt, HYDRA, backhanded comments, lewd comments/situations (still v PG-13 in this sense, not so much the language), violence, Everybody Will Live AU (*insert the Doctor Who gif here*)

A/N: WELCOME TO THE SEQUEL OF THE SEQUEL OF- this is old. Okay fr tho we're almost done! One more part! Holy crap! This is a rough chapter but hopefully everyone loves it cuz things should get a LITTLE BIT easier in the last one? I hope?

Past Part | Masterlist

Your feet planted firmly on the platform as you grabbed onto Steve's arm to try and balance yourself. Your mind was whirling, so much had happened. But little did you know that it would be getting worse.

Across from you, Clint collapsed to his knees, dropping the stone onto the platform. Even though he had only been gone for maybe half a day, he looked exhausted. A quick look around told you why. There was an empty space in the circle. "Clint?" you cautiously asked, taking a step towards him.

He looked up at you, pain etched across his face. "A soul for a soul," he said, eyes filled with a sudden anger. "That was the price for the stone. The life of someone you love. And we fought to keep the other alive. I guess she won."

You kneeled down next to him, gently reaching out to grab his hand. "I'm sorry. We shouldn't have sent you two there. I-"

He flinched, tearing his hand away from you. "Who do you suppose we should have sent? You and Tony? Rhodey and Tony? Bruce and Nat? Whose life are we dealing with? It doesn't matter." His eyes were cold as he glared at you.

"Clint, I didn't mean to-" you started, but he once again cut you off.

"No, you didn't mean to hurt anyone. But you weren't there." You looked down at your hands, unable to meet his angry eyes. "You didn't see her lifeless body at the bottom of the cliff."

"Barton, that's enough," Steve said, grabbing your arm and pulling you away. "You're hurting. This is a blow to everyone."

Steve held you as Clint left. Once gone, there was an air of silence that filled everyone. It almost didn't feel real. She had just been smiling at everyone, saying she would see us in a minute. Well, it was a minute later. And she wasn't here.

It was an hour later and everyone, save Nebula and Rocket, were gathered outside on the dock. Everyone was quietly in their own thoughts, trying to come to terms with the fact that Nat was dead. Steve was quiet, more so than usual. You had seen him at Peggy's funeral, and how broken he looked. You probably didn't look much better. But this was different. He only had Peggy for a few years. But Nat was one of his closest friends, up there with human Bucky and Sam. And he'd lost them all.

You rested your head on his shoulder, glancing over at Tony as he stared out across the river. He looked sad, but you knew his mind was already running through all the steps that needed to be done. You knew he would crash eventually and just break down, but he would be strong.

"Did she have any family?" Tony finally asked, breaking the silence. "Anyone that we need to tell about… this?"

Steve shifted, causing you to sit up. "Yeah. Us. We were her family." You watched as he blinked away the tears in his eyes before turning back to look out across the lake. "We can't even have a proper funeral for her."

A loud grunt made you look over at Bruce as he flung one of the benches into the lake. You flinched away from him, curling into Steve's side. Bruce finally sighed, sitting down on the dock. "She can't be gone."

"Well she is," snapped Clint. He wiped away his tears before looking at everyone. "She's gone. And she wouldn't want us to sit around and cry over her. She died so we could get the stone and bring everyone back. So we might as well honor her memory and bring everyone back."

Clint left, and everyone stayed on the dock, just for a little while longer. It was hard to move on when it was so sudden. How could anyone move on? Even if she wasn't directly your friend, or your family, it still hurt because you knew her, and Steve and Tony knew her. They were hurting. And so were you.

After another 30 or so minutes, everyone slowly found their way into the compound once more. You followed Tony into the lab, where all of the stones were laid out on a table. You knew the next step was making a glove to channel the power of the stones. So you and Tony got to work right away, being the only two that were able to even think at the moment. Progress had to be made. People needed to be brought back.

A couple of hours later, while the prototype was being tested with two of the stones to see if it could withstand holding them, Scott and Bruce joined you, trying to help as best as they could. Since you happened to have the steadiest hands, you were the one who was running the controls and moving the stones into place. Meanwhile, Bruce took over in helping Tony with the design. And Scott? Well, he was the coffee runner who also occasionally managed to bring up a good idea.

Things were moving along well for a good hour or so. You were moving the space stone into place on the glove when Steve walked in. "Can I take Y/N? We need to talk."

You sighed to yourself, guessing that this wasn't going to be a conversation about Nat and how he was hurting right now. "I'm busy, Steve," you said, eyes never leaving the task at hand as you slowly moved it closer into place.

"Y/N, we need to talk," Steve said again, causing you to almost drop the stone. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Tony and Scott physically flinch, eyes now focused on what you were doing. "So can we please talk?"

Your lips pressed together into a fine line, annoyance etching across your face. Your hands were now shaking more. "I said I'm busy."

"Y/N-"

"Steve!" You dropped the stone, causing everyone in the room but you to jump for cover. But nothing happened, and you knew this. "What is so important? What part of today do you want to discuss? Could it be about seeing my mom? The fact that I created some kind of portal and was glowing blue? Or the fact that I'm some kind of fucking experiment? Or what about the fact that because of their fucking experiments, I'm the reason my mom's dead? Maybe you want to talk about the fact that I talked to my aunt and uncle for the first time in years and they didn't even know me? Which one do you want to talk about?"

Everyone was staring at you in varying degrees of confusion and shock. Tony, who had managed to miss that whole cluster fuck with your mother, looked the most shocked at your outburst. Clearly it was all new information to him. And Scott and Bruce were just confused.

Steve leaned against the doorway, and he almost looked hurt by your outburst. But too much had happened in the past 24 hours, and you couldn't really take anything more. You'd hit your limit for the day. Death. Revelations. Heartache. Extreme highs. You'd had enough.

No one talked so you sighed, turning back to your work and picking the stone back up with the tongs. "Unless you're here to screw my brains out and make me forget everything, I don't want to talk about everything. It's been too much, okay? Everything. The kiss. My mom. Peggy and Daniel. Nat. I just can't handle this right now." You put the stone into place on the glove before glancing over at Tony. "What stone is next?"

"Reality," he said. In his eyes, you saw the concern in his eyes as he watched you. Nonetheless, he got the next stone ready for you, shooting a glance at Scott. "Go get two coffees, Tic Tac." Next, he looked over to Steve. "Go. She's agitated right now and we can't have her dropping anything again."

Steve sighed behind you, followed by the sound of two receding footsteps. Everything was quiet once more as you went back to work, placing the stones in their proper place. Tomy didn't force you to talk, even though you were sure he had about a billion questions. The air was stiff and tense with unasked questions that had very obvious answers. So when Tony left the room, you knew who he went looking for. You didn't stop him, but you knew his curiosity was getting the best of him.

He was gone for a total of 20 minutes, but he managed to return before you put this last stone in place. The glove was finished. The end of this entire fiasco was coming up fast. And you weren't any better for it.

Once done, Tony clapped you on the shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I know you don't wanna talk about it, but you need to." You shot him a small glare. He put his hands up in defense. "Hey, you're talking to the king of unresolved issues. Not talking about stuff leads to anger and lashing out at people you love. Even when they are unbearably annoying."

Sighing, you set down the tongs you had been holding before standing up. "Fine. While you guys undo the snap, I'll talk to Steve." Before anyone could argue, you went and found Steve, leaving the lab where they would be performing the snap in search of Steve.

Your search didn't take long, as you found him sitting in the large open kitchen, staring into his cup of coffee. You didn't wait for him to notice you before you spoke up. "What did you want to talk about, Steve?" You tried to keep your emotions under check, to not yell, but you could still hear the slightest hint of annoyance in your voice.

He glanced up at you for a moment before looking back at his coffee. "Look," he started before pausing. He was silent for a few seconds, trying to gather his thoughts. "I… when we went to the past… with your mom and all of that stuff. We both found out things about you and your family that we didn't know before. You learned about a part of yourself that was hidden really far down. So I went looking through all of the leaked S.H.I.E.L.D. files to try and find some reports for you." He leaned down to his side and pulled out his laptop from the bag settled by his side. He turned it on and opened up a few documents before turning the computer in your direction. "I don't want to force you to talk. I know you, and that you need time to process things before you can just talk about everything. But I figured having all of the information would help you process and fill in the blanks."

You walked over to the table, sitting down in front of the laptop. On the screen was a document detailing your mother's stay at S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters. You skimmed over a majority of it, not necessarily understanding a lot of the jargon. "What… what is this?" 

"It's your moms full record. Apparently the doctor in charge was someone who was outed as Hydra shortly after you were born. His experiments influenced the trials that lead to the Maximoff twins having powers. Basically the folder shows that they had been lying to… well, to your mom the entire time, just so she wouldn't question any of the medicine they were giving to her. Daniel and Peggy had no clue what was happening, so there's no need to be spiteful towards them. Not that you are, but… just in case you had that doubt." When you glanced up at Steve, you saw that he was staring at his coffee, unable to look up.

"I'm sorry for snapping," you finally said after a few minutes of silence had passed. "You're hurting and I should have just sucked it up and talked. I put myself first, and that was wrong." You reached, grabbing his hand and giving it a tight squeeze. "It's okay, you can call me an ass. No snarky comments. I'll bite my tongue and you can be a jerk to me because I definitely deserve it."

He shook his head, the barest hint of a smile on his lips. "No, I don't think I will." He squeezed your hand in return. "I know you're a major pain but I do love you. Even when you make it difficult." You laughed, which finally made him look up at you. "Though I make it just as difficult, I'm sure."

You smiled, scooting closer to him. "I love you, too, pain in my ass." Leaning across the table, you pecked him gently on the lips. "I'm also sorry that I embarrassed you in front of the Science Bros with the sex comments."

"I almost took you up on the offer, you know," he teased, fingertips brushing slowly against your arm. You laughed before kissing him again. He tugged at your hand, pulling you around the table until you were sitting on his lap. When you finally separated, his hands found their way to your hips. "I could still take you up on that offer."

"Something life changing is happening on the other side of the compound and you want to have sex? Really?" You playfully pushed against his shoulder before lightly pecking his lips. "What would Peggy think?"

He groaned, forehead resting against your shoulder. "If you mention her one more time I swear-"

You interrupted his rambling by twirling your fingers in his hair, gently tugging his face from your shoulder so you could kiss him. A laugh rumbled in his chest.

A loud crash made you jump back, looking around. "What the hell was that?" you asked, looking around.

His face nuzzled into your neck, leaving light kisses across the expanse of skin. "Probably the snap," he mumbled. "It was that explosive when it was Thanos."

Your eyes fluttered shut, enjoying the soft kisses, but something just wasn't settling right. "Mm Steve, stop, stop. I don't think that was the snap. They were in a room with metal paneling to protect the glass. I think something is wrong."

His hands finally let go of your waist, so you got up. You headed towards the sound to find a giant gaping hole in the ceiling over the quantum platform. And above that was a giant ass space ship.

"Steve-" you started but you heard him running behind you. He was already off, running for the room where everyone else was located. But you heard some kind of metal grinding against metal coming from above. "Steve wait!"

But it was too late. The ship fired at the compound, blowing it sky high and sending you flying in the air. You had a split second to get the nano tech to make your suit and keep you from, ya know, dying from fall damage or something. You closed your eyes as the nanos enveloped your body, and when you heard F.R.I.D.A.Y. greet you, you opened them and activated the boosters, sending you flying sideways parallel to the ground. The impact knocked the air out of your body, and you were definitely hurting.

"Steve? Tony?" you called through the intercom. "Is anyone listening?"

You looked towards the compound, feeling your heart shatter.

"I have eyes on the glove," came the strangled voice of Clint. "I'm in the sewers somewhere. I'll try and find my way topside with the glove."

"And we're trapped," Bruce added. "I've got Rhodey and Rocket. Water levels are rising."

You surveyed the terrain and spotted Tony walking towards someone. "Tony, is that Steve?"

"Yeah… come on, buddy, you gotta get up." You watched as he helped Steve get to his feet and decided to fly over to join them. "You lose this again and I'm giving it to Morgan, got it?"

When you landed, you grabbed the shield from Tony. "Now come on, I would obviously get first dibs on bobsledding on this thing. Afterall, who's gonna teach Morgan how to do it?"

Steve snatched the shield, raising an eyebrow at you. "That's assuming I'm losing it again, L/N."

"Given your track record, it's more likely than you think, Cap." He rolled his eyes as you bumped against his hip playfully before looking around. "Okay, so that's a giant ship."

"And that's a Thanos," Tony said, motioning towards the Mad Titan. He was just sitting there. Not fighting. Not commanding an army. Just… sitting there.

"So that is," Steve said before looking at you. "Tony and I have this. Plus, I see Thor. You should go and work on recovery, see who needs help."

You wanted to argue, say you could fight, but you saw the pain in his eyes. Also, Bruce was definitely panicking in the back of your mind. You nodded in response, using the heat sensor in your suit to locate where exactly Bruce and the others were. Once spotted, you were flying away, going after them. You worked on moving as much rubble as possible, vaguely aware of the fights going on around you. You could hear Clint talking through the intercom before gasping, and you looked around. "Barton, what's happening?"

There were so many voices in your head with this intercom bullshit and you really just needed to get to Bruce. But then you heard thunder. You turned around just in time to see Steve holding Mjölnir.

Woah.

You really should be focusing but, if you were being completely honest… "That's hot."

"Y/N, focus," Steve said before going back into battle. You watched him for another couple seconds before blinking and remembering that shit that was happening around you. Right! You had to get to Bruce.

You continued to work on moving the rubble when a voice filled your head. "Y/N, Tony's currently knocked out and my messages aren't getting to him. Should I initiate Project Old Man Alarm?"

You smiled to yourself at F.R.I.D.A.Y.'s message. You had managed to rename a few of Tony's protocol names a couple days ago and you were glad he didn't notice. "Of course, we can't let him sleep through the battle, now can we? What about everyone else? Can you scan the battlefield and tell me what's happening?"

"Of course," she responded. "Thor is currently down, but his vitals appear to be fine. Captain Rogers is currently fighting Thanos, though there appears to be a wound in his leg from getting stabbed."

"He was what?"

You were certain she said something in response, but a voice was suddenly talking over the intercom. It was a voice that you hadn't heard in five years, and it almost brought a tear to your eye.

"Cap? On your left."

All around you, bright yellow portals appeared and thousands of people walked through, joining you on the battlefield. Nearby to your current location, a portal opened and out came the people who had disappeared on Titan. You couldn't even comprehend everything that was happening. And when the ground opened up under your feet and gave birth to a Giant-Man holding Bruce, Rocket, and Rhodey, well you almost lost it. Giant-Man was truly a sight to see. A part of you was relieved that they had been competent enough to get shit done because you clearly hadn't been that helpful.

But you were so happy to see everyone here, breathing. The second snap had worked. And now? You had one hell of a fighting chance.

"Avengers!" came the shout from Steve. You turned to look at him, watching as he summoned Mjölnir. "Assemble."

"You know, that's still really hot," you commented without even realizing that everyone definitely heard that. Luckily you had the guise of everyone going into battle to cover it, but some people definitely heard it.

A scoff came over the intercom, and you smiled when you recognized Tony's voice. "Jesus, Y/N, really?"

You shrugged before going off to fight. "Where am I needed, Cap? Aerial support? Ground team?"

"I need you on the glove. Keep an eye on it's location and make sure it stays as far from Thanos as possible," he responded.

"But we need to get them back to their proper times," Bruce responded in the voice chat. "We'll destroy those other timelines if we don't."

"No can do," said the voice of Tony, and you spotted him on the battle field alongside Pepper in the Rescue suit that the two of you crafted. "Thanos destroyed our quantum tunnel in the blast."

The line was silent for a second as you flew overhead, spotting the glove being carried by Clint away from some of Thanos' mutant henchmen. You quickly swooped down, using the blasters to take out a few of them in one go. You hadn't yet been able to formulate a plan when someone else joined in. "Hang on! That wasn't our only time machine." A moment later, you heard the sound of a car alarm that was set to the sound of La Cucharacha. You flew back into the air, trying to spot where it came from.

"Does anyone have eyes on an ugly brown van?" Steve asked. You looked over the battlefield, but you really couldn't see it without letting the glove out of your sight. Luckily, someone else managed to spot and they responded.

After a short conversation in which Scott said he would need 10 minutes to get the machine working, you flew down to Clint as he was overrun by Overriders. You blasted them away before turning to the voice of the Black Panther as he called out to Clint.

"Give me the gauntlet, Clint!"

You blasted away a few more of the Overriders before taking off into the air and keeping track of T'Challa as he made his way through the crowd, heading for the van. Thanos was going after him. You were about to dive down when Wanda herself decided to take him on. You sighed in relief until you saw Squidward levitating the glove away. You instantly dived down, snatching the glove and giving Squidward a good blast in the face as you went. "That's for calling me a pet, asshole!" You then saw Peter, open, and looking a little lost. "Hey Spiderling! Catch!" When he looked over at you, you tossed the glove to him, and he used his webshooter to grab it before running off. Once again, you took off after him, blasting Overriders and Chitauri as they came. But he still got overrun, even with your help. And that's when he activated Instant Kill Mode.

"Jesus, Tony, why the hell does a 16 year old have an Instant Kill Mode?" you questioned as you landed. You blasted away the more of the enemy.

"You have one, too, ya know. Might help with the problem," was all Tony said before going back to the fight.

You were considering activating when Peter yelled about being overrun. "Steve!" you shouted over com.

Before you could explain the situation, he spoke up. "Heard it doll. Heads up, Queens!" You looked over your shoulder and managed to narrowly avoid getting clobbered in the head by the flying hammer. Peter managed to latch onto it as it was flying before falling off a second later. You instantly took off, catching him before he hit the ground.

"Gotta watch those butterfingers, Spiderling. You're gonna get hurt." As if some kind of dramatic irony, you then dropped him onto the back of the flying Pegasus that was manned by some badass warrior chick. Probably a friend of Thor. And if you weren't taken, and she offered, you definitely wouldn't turn her down.

You instantly shook away the thought before watching the battlefield raging on below you. Everyone was raging on. Tony and Pepper were fighting side by side, Peter was falling out of the sky holding the glove, and Steve was kicking major ass.

Wait! Peter!

You dived straight down, trying to catch him before he fell and got really hurt. You knew the suit would probably save him from most injuries, but he definitely didn't need to get hurt. But at this rate he would beat you to the ground. "Come on, come on…"

And then you flew through a portal, popping up through the ground right below Peter and catching him. His downward momentum definitely forced the two of you into the ground, but at least injuries were minimized.

"Holy shit, since when could she do that?" Pepper asked. You looked up to see her flying around, shooting at Chitauri as she went while also avoiding falling missiles. You were going to answer her until you became very distracted by the missiles suddenly pointing into the sky.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y., what's happening?" Tony asked, and you heard her response loud and clear in your head.

"Something just entered the upper atmosphere."

You watched in amazement as a glowing burst of energy rammed into the ship. The explosion was beautiful, and the falling pieces of ship gave you one less problem on the battlefield. Plus, you had a new ally.

Carol landed right by you and Peter as you were going over his injuries. His side was still in pain, but you managed to prevent any broken bones. You glanced up and smiled at her.

"H-Hi, I'm Peter Parker," Peter said, holding on tightly to the gauntlet. You shook your head, laughing at how ridiculous it was that he introduced himself to everyone on the battlefield. But it was endearing… you guessed.

"Hey Peter Parker. You got something for me?" He nodded and handed her the glove. He made some comment about how it was impossible to get through. But then everyone was there, surrounding Carol. You joined them in feigning off the oncoming attacks. You had even managed to hold back Thanos himself. But then he threw his sword, and it knocked out the van's quantum portal before Carol could get inside. You were about to run after it until Thanos flung you like a ragdoll. Your head slammed into a rock and you gasped in shock.

"Your head has suffered major injury," said F.R.I.D.A.Y. in your head. "Should I inform Tony that you are in need of medical attention?"

You groaned, sitting up. "Don't you dare. I'm not out yet." Getting to your feet, you watched the scene unfolding before you. Thanos had the glove, and Tony tackled him.

"There was a spike in energy in Tony's suit. Power levels are beyond the max."

Shit. Shit! He had the stones.

You didn't hesitate in flinging yourself in his direction, boosters kicking in as you gained distance on him. Before he could snap, you flipped over his head, grabbing his hand in your own. A warm energy hummed through your body as the stones transferred to your suit.

You landed on your knees. Tony looked horrified as your helmet lowered. You gave him a smile and snapped your fingers, willing away Thanos and his army.

You were suddenly standing in some kind of weird, orange dimension. You were confused as you looked around. You weren't sure what to expect, but when you saw Nat sitting there with Bucky on her lap, you almost broke down.

"Great cat you have here. I was almost convinced I would be seeing Tony or Steve here. Ya know, since they're a bunch of idiots. But instead it's you." She scratched Bucky's head, casting you a casual look. "Things work out with Steve?"

You walked over to her, sitting next to her under the pagoda. "You could have seen for yourself, you know. He misses you. Everyone does."

She smiled, looking back down at Bucky. "It's really lonely here in the stone. They gave me this one because you were the one to snap. He'll leave when you do in a couple minutes. But it's cold in here. I did get to see Bruce, though. That was nice."

"So this is inside the soul stone?" you asked, glancing around. The orange color definitely added up. So did the cold feeling.

"Yes, and you're part space stone. The other stones were calling to you." She moved Bucky from her lap and stood up, facing you. "The space stone protected your otherwise fleshy organs. You'll probably have some minor burns and nerve damage, but you'll otherwise be okay. Well, until the boys yell your ear off." You both laughed. "Take care of them all for me, okay? You have some big shoes to fill, but I know you can keep them all in check. After all, you succeeded where I didn't. You somehow managed to make Tony and Steve get along for more than five seconds."

She looked up at the orange sky, a sad look on her face. She knew her fate was to be stuck in the stone. But why couldn't you free her? Maybe… maybe your powers could help you…

"Nat," you started, but everything started to turn bright around you. "Wait, what-"

"It's time for you to go," she said, smiling sadly at you. "Goodbye, Y/N."

"No wait!" But it was too late, she was gone.

Your body was flung backward from the energy blast, sending you flying. You were prepared to hit stone, so when you landed on somebody, it was a surprise.

"Get… the stones… off." Your voice was strained, hand burning from the snap. There was too much energy coursing through you. Your hand scratched at the nano suit, trying to smash off enough of the suit to create a glove that could be removed. You were gasping through the pain coursing through your body.

"Where in the hell is she?" said the voice of Tony as you pounded against the nano suit. "Where is Y/N?"

"She's with me," Steve said, stilling your hand from pounding into the suit. "Tony how do we remove the stones from her hand?"

You heard Tony land next to you as he looked at you with anger. "First we get those off of you, and then I'm going to chew your ass out for that. You could have died!"

You grimaced, watching as Tony used the blaster to cut the nano suit away from your hand. Once free, you pulled your hand free, gasping in relief. "Shut up you… self-sacrificing… asshole… You… would have died, Tony. I can't lose you, too. Morgan would never forgive you."

They were silent as the other Avengers and Guardians formed around you. Pepper looked both relieved and pissed off at both of you, but especially Tony for trying that shit first. And you could feel the silent anger that Steve was trying to hide for your safety. You were certain he would absolutely yell at you about it later, after you had time to recover. And you probably deserved it. It was so fucking stupid. But could you really lose Tony? Your brother?

No, your heart wouldn't have been able to handle it. So yeah, you acted without thinking and didn't even say anything. It was stupid and dumb and maybe you would have had some kind of excuse if you had had another second of thought, but you couldn't afford that second. He would have died. At least your body could handle it.

So they could stay mad. And they could yell. But you did the right thing. Plus, you had a plan.

"Steve, I need the gauntlet," you said, reaching for it.

"What? No!"

"Absolutely not!"

Tony and Steve both shouted at you at the same time. You flinched from the loud sound but nonetheless persisted. "I need to see the soul stone. I can bring back Nat."

A quiet voice spoke out from the crowd. "Let her see the stone." Everyone turned to see Clint. He looked like he had gotten one hell of a beating, but he was still standing tall. "If she can bring back Nat, I say we let her."

And so the stone was placed in your hands. You concentrated on what you had seen in your mind. The orange pagoda with Nat sitting underneath it, her red hair in a braid. You thought of her sad smile and hopeless stares as she waited for the next person to try and use the stone.

Then the doorway appeared.

You stepped through, looking around in curiosity. "Nat?"

She looked up from where she was sitting by the water's edge, a confused look in her face. "Y/N, what are you doing here?" 

"You really think I would just leave you here?" You shook your head, a smile on your face. You reached a hand out to her. "Come on. I know some people who would want to see you again."

The two of you left in through the open doorway, stepping back into the battlegrounds. Nat looked around in shock, seeing Earth again as if it were the first time. There were shocked murmurs that went around as everyone saw Nat, alive, and standing before them. Clint dropped his bow and went up to her, hugging her as if there were no tomorrow.

You stumbled away from them and that's when you ate shit, passing out before you even hit the ground.

----

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Smokey brand Movie Reviews: Full Shares

I have one helluva backlog of films to work through but, between those and other distractions, i am having just the dickens of a time getting through them. I’ve started Uncut Gems three different times but the tension, man, it stresses me out way too much. I have to take breaks in between and just forget about where i left off so i need to start over. I have to say, though, the twenty to thirty minutes i have seen is absolutely excellent. In the meantime, while i muster enough nerve to actually finish that film, i wanted to revisit one of my all-time favorites. Way back when i first saw this movie, it gave me the same intense, stressed out, panic i feel watching Gems. Alien changed the way that I interacted with film and, to this day, it’s one of maybe a handful of movies to ever illicit true fear from me. I saw it, for the first time as a young kid of maybe six or seven, in a late night showing on TV and i remember even the broadcast edit spazzing me the f*ck out. Imagine my apprehension seeing the theatrical cut fr the first time a few years later. As i got older and learned to appreciate the moving parts of film individually, i came to love Alien even more. Not only is it actually terrifying. it’s one of the best built movies i have ever seen and carries the template for bad-ass film like a badge of honor. Cats say the sequel, which i’ll get to in a later review, is better than the first, but i wholeheartedly disagree. This movie is easily top three all-time for me and here’s why. I have to tell you from the outset, this movie is perfect in my opinion. There  are no flaw so don’t expect any negative, just me gushing about the excellence within.

The Outstanding

The very best aspect of this movie is easily Sigourney Weaver’s portrayal as Ellen Ripley. My goodness, was this character absolutely amazing. When people think of Ripley, they often remember Cameron’s version of her from Aliens. To most people, Ripley is that chick, strapped down in a power loader, calling the Queen Xenomorph a b*tch to her face. That is, undeniably, iconic. Ellen Ripley solidified the template for strong, female, lead with that scene. But Ripley didn’t start out that way. She had to earn that title and it began with her battle for survival in the original Alien. Ripley began as an undermined, kind of by-the-book, Warrant Office, just trying to get back in time for her daughter’s eleventh birthday. Over the course of two hours, we watched Ripley evolve into the absolute unit that she is known for and the nuanced portrayal of that evolution by Weaver shows us the harrowing journey with an almost visceral vulnerability. Ellen Ripley is not a character, she is a person. You feel for this woman and her struggle. You root for her. You gasp when she fails. You want her to survive. To get attached to a film character so completely is testimony to the excellence of that actor’s performance and Sigourney Weaver turns one in for the ages. Not bad for a twenty-year-old’s second film appearance, first speaking role.

You can’t speak about Alien without the iconic imagery provided by the nightmares of H.R. Giger’s art. The raw, horrifyingly sexual, disgustingly organic, yet wholly bizarre vestiges of the LV-426 hive were incredible. That initial pan of the fossilized Space Jockey fused to his pilot’s seat can’t help but inspire very real awe. I imagine seeing that reveal on an Imax screen and it is absolutely riveting. More so, entering into the hive itself, wit all those corridors woven from steel and flesh, leading into the pitfall trap full of the waiting, legitimately alien eggs illicit a feeling of primal terror. Those things are nothing like anything terrestrial. They are just familiar enough to inspire curiosity from the audience but uncanny enough to trigger apprehension. Absolutely brilliant but the true genius, the source of constant panic, belongs to the adult xenomorph, itself.

Big Chap, as the production team called it, was a miracle of effects work. The suit was custom built to fit the near seven foot frame of Bolaji Badejo but it was his physicality that lent an organic presence to the techno-organic monstrosity. That original Xenomorpgh was wildly terrifying to me. Even at my young age, i weathered Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, and Jason Voorhees, with rather stoic aplomb but the Xenomorph sent me into a panic. I had legitimate nightmares about this thing which had never happened before. Giger had created a creature of such instinctual terror that you has no choice by to fear it and that sh*t is amazing.

I touched on how excellent Ellen Ripley was as a character, giving well deserved credit to Weaver’s portrayal but, like all classic characters in storytelling, Ripley began on the page. The writing for Alien is some of the best i have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Every character, every scene, every aspect, of this story is tight. Dan O’Bannon deserves all credit for this classic script. He wrote a story filled with characters and suspense, never identifying male of female unless absolutely necessary. I miss when films were films and not soapboxes for gender politics. It’s amazing how timeless and iconic characters can become when you’re not trying to push a goddamn agenda.

Now, O’Bannon’s script is excellent but it took a true visionary to bring it to life. Ridley Scott was that creative. Alien was Scott’s second directorial effort and he was able to craft a visual narrative far beyond what his tangible experience would dictate. Scott is a true visionary. The way he saw O’Bannon’s script was incredible. I mean, the vistas of the Derelict Ship, the sanitized halls of the Nostromo, that whole retro-futuristic look, the abject terror and repugnant reversal of sexuality with the Alien; All of that is Scott. O’Bannon gave this man one helluva blueprint but Scott built a goddamn monument of cinema in his own right.

The sound design in this film is absolutely classic. The hisses from the alien, the clacking of the computers, that harrowing voice from MOTHER during the adrenaline packed climax; Every sound, echo, pitch, and clank is perfectly administered to embellish the hellish visuals onscreen. I’ll never forget the first time seeing Brett’s death scene. The subtle sway of chains giving way to the impactful sound of those water droplets hitting his face, lulling you into a false sense of security, only to see the Xenomorph puncture his skull. That mixture of screams and rattling chains was haunting, brilliant use of sound for a horror set piece and testament to it’s voracity.

I spoke at length about Sigourney Weaver’s casting and performance but literally everyone is outstanding in this film. being an original script, not based on any existing media, you had an open template to create these characters. In a sense, casting for this type of project is even more tantamount than building a cinematic adaption of a novel or comic. This film is going to be known for these characters, for this world, going forward and Alien nailed this sh*t. Aside from Weaver’s star-turning performance as Ripley, John Hurt turned in a rather endearing outing as Kane, the first victim of the Xenomorpgh. Tom Skerritt was probably the biggest name in the film so everyone thoight that his character Dallas would be the lone survivor. Nope. Veronica Cartwright’s Lambert was woefully unraveled, specially during the Chestburster scene and Ian Holm’s Ash is easily unnerving his uncanny valley-esque performance. Harry Dean Stanton’s Brett was a man of few words but my second favorite performance in this entire film belongs to Yaphet Kotto. His portrayal as the aggressive, outspoken, incredibly loyal, Parker, endures to this day. These characters are all incredibly written and skillfully performed, bringing characters to life that will endure through time.

This movie came out in 1979, man! It is four decades old an can still give anything created today, even with out advances in effects work and film techniques, a run for it’s money. That is testament to the deft hand and expert precision in the construction of this movie. It’s rare that a film can be so timeless and it’s easily the first i have ever seen to capture that high mark. There are others like that; Jurassic Park, Twelve Angry Men, Jaws, The Godfather, To kill a Mockingbird, Star Wars, but even those classics show chinks in the armor. Not Alien. That Retro-futuristic design is absolutely timeless and fits in with any era of cinema.

The world Alien created was ripe for elaboration. The franchise, alone, produced three sequels; Each an amazing look at different film styles, directorial vision, and cinematic genre. Aliens is arguably one of the greatest sequels ever and has a completely different tone that the first. Some would ay it’ even better than the first. I wouldn’t but others do. There have been books, comics, games, and so much more based on this world. Alien: Isolation is easily the best game ever made based on the franchise and it stars that eleven-year-old daughter turned adult woman, Amanda Ripley, in a similar situation as her mother. Let me tell you, bad-assery must run in the family because Amanda was just as dope as her mom during her own gauntlet. And just like her ma’s adventure, Amanda’s outing stressed me out to no end. I loved the Earth War comic growing up and the introduction of Ripley 8 was something special. She was kind of ridiculous in the fourth film, Alien; resurrection but the comics did 8 much better justice. Speaking of artificial constructs, i would be remiss if i didn’t mention the absolutely charming android Xenomorph, Norbert, and his predecessor, Jeri, but my favorite hybrid is definitely Eloise. That’s not to mention the excellent stories with in the Aliens versus Predator mythos. I’m not going to get too heavy into that lore but you’d be hard-pressed to find a more amazing, female protagonist, outside of Ripley, than Machiko Noguchi; The human Japanese woman, blooded by the Elite Leader Yautja, Broken Tusk, given the title of Little Knife by the space-faring Predators. Ma is a f*cking machine and it’s a crime AvP ignored her story for what we eventually got in cinemas. Hell, there are even aspect of the Prometheus portion of this universe that i like, even though i don’t particularly like the film, itself. Elden is a dope character with a ton of potential for the overall lore going forward. There is so much excellent material in the Aliens expanded universe; Characters, concepts, worlds and more. The expansive nature and reverence for this universe rivals that of Star Wars, none of which could be possible without the inspired execution of the original Alien film.

The Verdict

What can i say? Alien is a goddamn masterpiece. From the second those titles slowly manifest to the exploration of LV-426, to the claustrophobic panic of the Nostromo, to Ripley’s triumphant yet uncertain fate in the end, i absolutely adore every aspect of this movie. Everything about this movie is deliberate and amazing. The performances are all excellent, everyone does an exceptional job. The set design is gorgeous and in the case of the alien hive within the Space Jockey’s ship, disgustingly beautiful. Giger’s art as perfect for this film but his design for Big Chap, the original Xenomorph design, was absolutely unnerving. The first time i saw it onscreen, i was both enthralled and horrified. To see the massive beast, in the few glimpses you got between some of the most excellent lighting ever captured on film, was incredible. There are shortcomings, sure, all films have them but i don’t believe them to be a negative. The pacing can be a little dragging at times but it’s absolutely necessary to build atmosphere. I thrive on slow burn films like The VVitch or Blade Runner 2049 and it was Alien that taught me patience in film can be a virtue. I cannot praise this film enough. For me, Alien is as close to perfect as can be. This easily gets my highest recommendation. If you’ve never seen Alien and appreciate sheer psychological terror, beautiful sets, brilliant direction, awe inspiring shots, and some of the best sound design ever captured on film, you’ll love this movie.

[monikea]

Norma Jeane Baker of Troy

[Disclaimer: this is not a review. I’m not a reviewer and have no idea how to write these; this is just a note to myself that I will be able to read when I’m 60 years old and which I share here, as paper might burn but the Internet never forgets :D]

Norma Jeane Baker of Troy, The Shed, NYC, 12-19 May 2019

New scene

Enter Ben Whishaw as Norma Jeane Baker

I’m not sure what to focus on here – the play or the fact that I FINALLY WENT TO NEW YORK. This past week was so full of, well, everything to me. I always dreamt of leaving Europe for a trip, but only recently managed to save money for that. I have been tremendously sad not to be able to see Ben in ‘The Crucible’, to the point that during the last show I sat on a beach in Spain and couldn’t focus on how lucky I was to be on a beach in Spain – all I wanted was to be in the Walter Kerr Theatre.

The funny thing is, if I were now to choose between ‘The Crucible’ (I saw a recording of it in NY Public Library last week) and NJBoT, I’d choose Norma Jeane without thinking twice. I saw this play 7 times in a row which, I think, speaks for itself.

In the end, I was so lucky as to go to NYC for 10 days with my Ben family, as I like to think of them, people who I know from Ben’s Facebook fan group. I will never take it for granted and it wouldn’t have been the same without them. To go to New York, for over a week, with my best friends, to see Ben Whishaw 7 times in a mind-blowing play – I still don’t know what I did to deserve it. I won’t name them here, as I’m not sure they wish to be mentioned, but one of them kindly offered to host some of us, and I was even more lucky to stay in a real Manhattan flat. In all fairness, this is what made the entire trip possible – or at least what made seeing Ben 7 times in a row from up close possible!

The pace was rather insane. Last time I slept so little was 10 years ago when I went on a summer camp to Portugal, where I was going to sleep at 6am and waking up at 8am to go to work. Just being in New York didn’t allow me to rest. Finally, after so many years of hoping, I was in the city of my dreams, a city where I could name all the buildings and streets without ever being there, just because everyone does know them right? After all, we are being bombarded with images of New York through different movies, series, songs, books. And this place actually does exist and is not just a Hollywood creation. We started every day bright and early (thanks to the time difference it felt like waking up at 12pm) and went off to see the city. Then, every night, we took subway 7 to Hudson Yards to go to The Shed. The only night we didn’t do it was Monday, when there were simply no performances – but trust me I’d have gone if they took place.

That’s enough about Fritz Lang and the city.

The first time we saw the play (12 May) I sat very far, I believe it was the 4th row from the back. Since I then saw it 6 more times, it wasn’t a massive loss, but overall I’d say two things: 1/this play had to be seen from close up, as the lightning was so dim, otherwise you wouldn’t see what happened on the stage and 2/ this play had to be seen multiple times. I truly believe seeing it just once wasn’t enough. It wasn’t like Shakespeare that everyone kind of knows and knows what to expect. I like to compare this play to Hamilton, which is my obsession number 2 (after Ben), where the text is so rich and full of references and innuendos, that it is actually best to come see the show already knowing the lyrics and backstory from listening to the soundtrack. Same happened here, the language or the text worked alongside the actors and I think if you just saw the play once, it wouldn’t make much sense and you’d miss a lot of its beauty. I was already familiar with the story of Marilyn before seeing it (although I did some extra research, read Euripides’ ‘Helen’ etc.), but I heard some people didn’t even know that Marilyn’s real name was Norma Jeane – good luck with that! Anyway, I digress. As we sat very far, I remember I had to lean forward and really strain my eyes to see what was happening. I could barely notice Ben painting his fingernails (it was more that I already heard he was doing it, which made me notice – otherwise it was too dark to see!) or couldn’t get the details of his lingerie or dance. The sound wasn’t bad, but I’d say in this play the visuals are equally important and I completely missed that part. So I spent the first performance pretty much hoping that the next one – where I was supposed to sit closer – would already come.

About 30 minutes after the show has finished, we spotted Ben coming down the escalator. We actually chose deliberately to go on that day (12 May) as that’s when we expected (and weren’t wrong 😉) that he’d win a BAFTA for his performance as Norman Scott (Norma, Norman… his best roles, trust me) in A Very English Scandal. He was alone and about to leave the theatre, but had a while for us – we congratulated him on the BAFTA, to which he just said ‘thank you’ (I’m quite sure he himself got to know about it only minutes beforehand) and then I talked to him about NJBoT, which was the first time that I managed to talk to him about the show at hand. All the previous times I met Ben, I was talking to him about his previous shows or just telling him general thanks. I don’t remember exactly what I said that Sunday, but it surprised me that I managed to say something about Norma. Most importantly, I asked if I can hug him and he just said ‘sure’ and my biggest dream came true and I hugged Ben for a while . He is the sweetest, kindest human being and has so much patience for his fans.

For the second performance, in the end with my friend we decided to exchange seats for even closer ones, as we didn’t want to go through the pain of seeing so little again. Oh Greek gods, what a difference did it make. I finally saw what was happening on stage! On Tuesday it still wasn’t the 1st or 2nd row, so couldn’t see Ben’s face very well, but oh my. I suppose here I will start my general thoughts about the play, irrespective of the day I saw it, as from Wednesday onwards I was sitting pretty much always in the 2nd or 1st row (just once – will get back to that). If I were to describe all remaining 6 performances in detail, this would become a book, not a Tumblr note and not sure anyone would even read it!

This play was everything my poor heart could hope for. Ben finally plays the main role (which is even more prominent since there are only 2 actors on the stage) and there is nothing to take your attention away from him. Renée only emphasizes his powerful presence on stage and in fact one of my impressions after seeing the play and having read it was that they both play the same person. After all, Norma says ‘I am my own chorus’ – and Renée was her chorus. Reflecting her/his thoughts (I will continue using the pronoun ‘his’ as in the text the character is designated as Norma Jeane, but on stage I think Ben played a male playwright, who only gradually becomes Norma), never negating anything, but giving him new ideas, as if they were formed in his brain and took a tangible form as Renée. I think there can be many interpretations here, but I particularly like this one, also because in the text of the play only one character is mentioned – Norma Jeane. Renée’s character isn’t mentioned anywhere in the text and was obviously added just to make it more stage friendly. It was really hard for me to take my eyes away from Ben throughout the play, but when I finally managed to do it, it was amazing to see how they exchanged looks and this interplay of emotions was what made it even more amazing.

The play tells a story of a playwright who creates a replica of Marilyn Monroe out of himself – both visually and mentally. He is mourning her and hires a scribe to write down his stream of consciousness about Norma Jeane. He gradually drops his own male clothes to put on the entire Marilyn attire, which is a beautiful… replica of what was worn back in the 50s (the longline peach corselette and matching panty girdle – not for the faint hearted!) together with Marilyn’s white fluffy mule heels, later on changed to her Seven Year Itch strappy sandals and the iconic white dress (there is an additional layer of white underwear that Ben puts on the girdle); ultimately he wears also the platinum white Marilyn wig. On the mental side, he gradually descends into the depths of Hades and ultimately kills himself, like Marilyn did. In the meantime, he plays ukulele (just like Marilyn), has numerous mental breakdowns, perfectly imitates her delicate dreamy voice (and that of Truman Capote), mocks Arthur Miller’s dimpled white buttocks and dances the entire sequence from ‘The Prince and the Showgirl’ (see here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOkv4jV1-Bo) – more about that dance later on. One remark here – this play spoke so much to me because since I remember I always took style inspiration from my favourite bands and later on actors – even now I proudly wear my black Kanken, inspired by Ben. So yes, I completely understand Ben’s character here. He also adds the breasts, hips and bum padding underneath his lingerie (and moves like a ballerina) and here I must brag, but a kind message to all people who LAUGHED mockingly at it – please go back to primary school and… just stay there. There are two actors, who, in case you don’t realise are real people and laughing off at what they do onstage is just horrible. In case you laughed out of embarrassment, fine, I get that not everyone has to be comfortable with Ben Whishaw applying fake butt under his undies, but for god’s sake, please express it differently than by laughing and commenting. Or laugh internally. Or I don’t know. Good lord. And no, that wasn’t a moment which was supposed to make you laugh, like for example Ben imitating Capote’s voice.

There is this beautiful moment, about 30 mins after the show begins when Ben plays the ukulele and sings ‘I am that Persephone, Who played with her darlings in Sicily, Against a background of social security. Oh what a glorious time we had. Or had we not? They said it was sad. I was born good, grown bad.And isn’t that how it always starts, this myth that ends with the girl ‘grown bad’?, and Renée continues: ‘She’s in a meadow gathering flowers twirling her own small sunny hours’. (I might be a barbarian, but I truly don’t understand people who were like – wow, he dared sing on the same stage as Renée Fleming! – I am a newborn Renée Fleming fan, but come on people. He’s Ben Goddamn Whishaw :D). Suddenly the mood changes dramatically, when everything becomes dark and Ben says in a sinister voice ‘When up rides a man on black horses. Up rides a man in a black hat. Up rides a man with a black letter to deliver’… I don’t know how he does it but in this moment I see Hades in a black robe (yet Ben is still in his peach corset) who came to do something unforgivable. The entire story changes then, when Renée exclaims ‘rape’. ‘Rape is the story of Helen, Persephone, Norma Jeane, Troy’ they continue. Renée then sings ‘War is the context and God is a boy. Oh my darlings, they tell you you’re born with a precious pearl. Truth is, it’s a disaster to be a girl. Up came the black horses and the dark King. And the harsh sunshine was as if it had never been. In the halls of Hades they said I was queen’. That’s what they always say, isn’t it?

She sings it again just at the end of the play when Ben’s Norma Jeane dies and at that point I wasn’t crying, I was ejecting bodily fluids. Apologies to those sitting around me.

Back to Ben’s dance. This play is full of what in Polish I’d call ‘smaczki’ – little flavours that make this play the most tasty dish ever served. Ben’s voice changes, whenever he imitates someone; Renée’s gorgeous singing; the music which was composed uniquely of Renée’s mixed voice; the funny moments, which can so suddenly and unexpectedly turn into the most frightening scene, when in the middle of mocking Arthur of New York and Sparta, a phone rings and everyone is terrified. There’s an enormous amount of language play (language is a third actor on the stage, with gorgeous explanations of the etymology of Greek words – in fact, Ben has an English-Greek dictionary on the desk), there’s Ben playing ukulele and singing, there’s putting on makeup, there’s changing clothes, there’s shouting and throwing things around and then there’s the dance.

My god what Ben can do. WHAT THIS MAN CAN DO. He is so ethereal, lithe, yet with well-toned muscles and he suddenly starts to give this beautiful coy dance, where throughout he hides his face in charming embarrassment and smiles sweetly to Renée. This is one of the moments when I am almost angry that I have to translate my soul, as it would be so much easier to find perfect words for this in Polish, but at least my head is full of them. Writing about this dance (or this play) is anyway as futile as dancing about architecture. Ben looks perfect then, he is just perfection personified. With his little smile, his peach corselette (some other note here on Tumblr said that ‘Ben Whishaw should just exist in this corset’ and yes, he should), his bottle green male pants and the fluffy heels (the connection of the female corselette and the male suit pants is just… send firemen). On top of that, Renée sings like an angel and my brain is so overstimulated from listening to all those language games and being in New York to actually experience it that… (where are the firemen?!)…

But the thing is – and that’s why this play is so amazing – that when you actually find the superhuman power in yourself not to focus on Ben’s dance only, but to also listen to the song they play to it, your brain suddenly registers that something doesn’t fully stick – the music is super cheerful (note: it is not the same music as the one in Marilyn’s video from ‘The Prince and the Showgirl’) – it’s a typical 50s song with blurred voices, but the text is rather morose and it goes like ‘Dirt is matter out of place, matter out of place. A poached egg on your plate at breakfast is not dirt. The poached egg on page 202 of the Greek lexicon in the library of the British Museum is dirt. Dirt is something that has crossed a boundary it ought not to have crossed. Dirt confuses categories and mixes up form’ (I researched a bit and there’s an entire book on this topic, ‘Purity and Danger’ by Mary Douglas, where the main point being analysed is that what is regarded as dirt in a given spot is any matter out of place. What was considered clean in Sparta, wasn’t clean in Troy and vice versa. That’s the gist. Anne Carson I love you.)

Noone cries like Ben Whishaw. It really hurts all parts of my body to watch this. And it is so beautiful to watch Renée being concerned about him and the state he found himself in. One of the most beautiful scenes in the play is when Ben sits down at his desk and Renée very delicately takes his head in her hand and applies the fake eyelashes to his eyes, singing in a way that makes my heart break. There is so much love in this scene and acceptance and will of help and saying: I’m here for you and I will go with you on this journey.

And then suddenly you see he starts to take the pills and swallowing them with the fake theatre champagne and that’s when I start ejecting bodily fluids again. Renée comes back with her ‘Up came the black horses and the dark King. And the harsh sunshine was as if it had never been. In the halls of Hades they said I was queen’.

I suppose this text I wrote now will never be finished as memories and new realisations will keep on coming back to me and that’s where the beauty of this play lies – it’s an endless fishing ground for references and innuendos, interpretations and new things to be understood. But, enough for now.

I talked to Ben 3 more times after the play, on 14, 17 and 19 May. I now barely remember what I said precisely, but on Tuesday I told him how utterly enchanted I am by this play and that it talks about so many important things to me and doesn’t seem strange at all. Sunday was mad, as one can expect after the end of a run, with a long queue of fans (I gave Ben bright red roses, thanked him for the umpteenth time and complimented his new shirt, which he bought on Friday – don’t ask how I know it, I’m just a very careful observer LOL. He is my style guru, so I had to haha). With my friend we even managed to chat to the CEO of The Shed, Alex Poots, who was so amazed that we saw Norma Jeane 7 times, that he took out his iPhone and asked us to record a video where we recommend the show (bit late for that on the last night, but he can rest assured that I will be back!).

But Friday was just something else. Perhaps it was the power of red wine or the fact that Ben was going home alone and not with Mark or friends, but we approached him together with quite a few other fans and I swear to god, we had the funniest ever chat with him. To put it briefly, Ben was surrounded by around 10-15 fans and chatting to us in a very lovely, cheeky way (I love his sense of humour. I love everything about him, but that night it was just too much). Like imagine it. Someone asked him ‘Ben, what is the perfume that you wear?’ and he goes ‘Oh, it’s this, wait, I’ll show you’ and he took the perfume out of his tote bag and demonstrated it to everyone, gaining a round of ‘Awwwwwwww’. I still can’t believe it happened haha. One of my friends asked if he saw and liked Bjork and they chatted a bit about it and then Ben asked us if we did see her too, to which I replied ‘no, because we saw ANOTHER SHOW’. I could see that he was thinking and then suddenly it clicked, but I guess by that time he was perfectly aware that some of us saw it 7 times haha. He also told us ‘Don’t sit again in the first row, I can see you all’ (that’s what I meant when I said I will get back to the issue of sitting in the 1st row :D). Sweet lord. Best week of my life.

Exeunt omnes singing.

[thisguyatthemovies]

Why so quirky?

It took more than 14 years to get around to it, but the other night I watched the 2005 Cameron Crowe train wreck “Elizabethtown,” a film that sometimes shows up on Worst Movie Ever lists. It’s bad, but its “worst” status is more about disappointment, given the writer-director’s previous track record {“Say Anything…,” “Almost Famous,” “Jerry Maguire,” “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”). Still, did I mention it’s bad? A ridiculous premise, plot lines that go nowhere, obvious and heavy-handed symbolism, multiple and sickeningly sweet (and annoying) “meet cutes” and quite possibly some of the worst casting in a major motion picture ever all add up to a movie that deserves much criticism.

“Elizabethtown” also is notorious for inspiring the term “Manic Pixie Dream Girl” (or MPDG). The phrase usually is credited to Nathan Rabin, who wrote a piece about the movie, “The Bataan Death March of Whimsy Case File #1: ‘Elizabethtown,’” for AV/Film nearly 15 months after its release. In it, he describes Kirsten Dunst’s character, Claire, the inexplicably bubbly love interest of suicidal-but-handsome protagonist Drew Baylor (Orlando Bloom), as the embodiment of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Rabin describes the type as such:

“The Manic Pixie Dream Girl exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures.”

By that definition, applied retroactively, Dunst’s Claire isn’t the first MPDG in movie history (some include Katharine Hepburn’s early roles on MPDG lists), nor is she even the best example of one (think Natalie Portman in “Garden State,” or Zooey Deschanel in “Yes Man” or the TV show “New Girl”). And the term, which Rabin reportedly now regrets coining, has become better defined with attributes that don’t necessarily fit Claire, even though she will forever be considered the epitome of the trope.

In case you have not seen “Elizabethtown” (and you’ll probably be just fine never seeing it), Bloom plays a shoe designer who works for a company not unlike Nike. Somehow, he is saddled with all the blame for a shoe that is so bad that it is recalled and will cost the company (somehow) nearly a billion dollars. Bloom’s Drew Baylor is fired and decides to off himself, but a phone call about the unexpected death of his father interrupts him during his first attempt. Drew, a West Coaster, is enlisted by his family to travel to Elizabethtown, Ky., his father’s hometown and where the elder Baylor has passed away, to bring the body home for cremation. Relatives in Kentucky have other plans for his final resting place.

Drew takes a flight to Kentucky and – wouldn’t you know it? – is the only passenger on the plane. That’s where Claire comes in. She apparently is the lone stewardess, and she is a talkative one at that. She won’t leave Drew alone from the get-go, and she (somehow) senses Drew is troubled and needs help because, for a guy who had a relatively important position with an internationally known shoe maker, he has no idea how to live this thing we call life. She does what any upstanding MPDG would do – she makes the repair of his damaged soul her sole purpose in life.

Claire would seem to vary from the standard trope in that she has a life of her own, at least when she and Drew meet. Her career would afford her at least a modest independent existence. She seems to have a nice place. She even has a boyfriend, though it is not clear if the guy really exists or, if he does, he is all that into her. But Claire quickly becomes a genie let out of the bottle; Drew’s every wish is her command. She just happens to show up wherever Drew is so much that if the roles were reversed, Drew would be accused of stalking. She says all the right things, even as Drew continues to hint at ending his life. She even (somehow) has the availability to, within a brief period of time, piece together a scrapbook (including hand-drawn illustrations) that will help Drew navigate a soul-discovering solo cross-country road trip AND (this being a Cameron Crowe movie) has provided the soundtrack via mix CDs that are (somehow) timed perfectly to coincide with landmarks during Drew’s travels. So omnipresent, so magical is Dunst’s character that some have suggested she was written to be a guardian angel sent to save Drew’s life. That interpretation at least makes some of Claire’s story semi-plausible and almost tolerable.

Claire is selfless to a fault, and she certainly is strange, maybe unstable. But, if anything, Manic Pixie Dream Girls lost even more sense of self and picked up more strangeness as the stock character turned into a full-fledged trope. Think Deschanel as Allison in the 2008 Jim Carrey vehicle “Yes Man.” As is always the case in these things, Carrey is a cynical, disillusioned man looking for meaning in life. He happens upon Allison, who hits a lot of stock MPGD notes. She zips around town on a moped. She wears mismatched clothing from vintage stores. She performs avant garde (and awful) music. Her primary means of supporting herself (?) is by teaching a class that combines jogging and photography. She is everything Carrey’s Carl Allen is not, mostly carefree. They, of course, engage in romance, even though Carl is notably older than Allison (that’s the case in many films, not just MPDG movies).

In 2010’s “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World,” two characters combine for the role of MPDG. The titular character, played by Michael Cera, is a slacker musician a few years removed from high school. That doesn’t stop him from dating a high-schooler, Knives Chau (Ellen Wong), whose sole purpose is as a superfan for Scott’s band. Then Scott meets the girl of his dreams (literally), Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), who is at least older than Knives but still is quirky (she works delivering packages while on roller skates) and impulsive (she often changes her hair color) but is too aloof and serious to be a full-on MPDG. She does, however, end up being a sort-of trophy, to be won if Scott can defeat her seven evil exes. So, her existence still is minimalized.

Some movies have addressed the MPDG thing head-on. Though sometimes cited as a MPDG, Kate Winslet’s Clementine in 2004’s “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is actually the anti-MPDG. Sure, she wears orange hair and gloves with the fingertips cut off, and she’s impulsive. But she also is flawed, sometimes dark and independent (MPDGs typically don’t get any of those traits). And she says this, which seems like a direct response to the trope, even though the term didn’t yet exist, as written by Charlie Kaufman: “Too many guys think I’m a concept, or I complete them, or I’m gonna make them alive. But I’m just a fu**ed-up girl who’s looking for my own peace of mind. Don’t assign me yours.”

Those are sentiments Claire in “Elizabethtown” never would have expressed, her focus being on a lost, sensitive young man and his happiness, not hers. Nor would she be allowed to even think such, given she and MPDGs like her are the products of writers and filmmakers who want to believe that this idealized version of young women is out there. That will probably be the case as long as men are writing movies, just as the male equivalent of the MPDG – the ridiculously handsome man with washboard abs who manages to accumulate much wealth despite always being around to tend to a woman’s needs and whisk her off to beaches on his private jet – will always exist as long as women are fantasizing about them and flocking to see them in rom-com-drams and reading about them in romance novels.

A little healthy fantasy is fine, but movie tropes and stereotypes are not, if we believe they can shape how we live in real life. Manic Pixie Drew Girls, though not totally a thing of the past (Joi, the A.I. girlfriend in 2017’s “Blade Runner 2049,” comes to mind as an updated version), are becoming outdated as more and more females are having their voices heard in Hollywood. MPDGs are being replaced by independent women who are the focus of the story and don’t have to be bubbly if they don’t feel like it, who aren’t required to be quirky and can chase their own happiness. These characters, unlike Manic Pixie Dream Girls, are multidimensional. They give a movie depth, not just gloss.

Imagine if that’s the kind of character Dunst’s Claire could have been. “Elizabethtown” wouldn’t show up on so many Worst Movie Ever lists. And it wouldn’t have been forever linked to a tired movie trope and the terminology to describe it.

[swiftpng]

❥ — get to know me task.

“I wanna be defined by the things that I love. Not the things I hate, not the things I'm afraid of, the things that haunt me in the middle of the night. I just think that you are what you love.”

tw: mentions of cancer, food, sexual assault. 

does your celebrity have any nicknames? She does indeed have a few nicknames. Her brother calls her Teffy, but her friends call her anything from T, Tay, T Swift, T Swizzle, or Tay Tay. Though, she’ll admit she thinks Tay Tay makes her feel like she’s twelve years old. A select few will call her a snake, but Taylor wears that nickname like it’s a badge of honor. 

is there a certain smell that takes your celebrity back to their childhood, really remind them of ‘back home’? The smell of fresh snow on the ground always brings back nostalgic memories for Taylor, because it reminds her of when she was a little girl. Her favorite days were when school was called off and she would play around on her family’s Christmas tree farm with her brother, playing make believe.   

what would you say is your celebrity’s most prominent physical feature? Definitely her cheekbones. She has very defined cheekbones that are noticeable when she’s smiling. But… she also has very long legs that she loves to show off. She used to hate being so lanky and tall, and just wanted to blend in but now she’s more than happy to slip on a pair of high heels and show off her toned legs that she worked so hard for. 

would you say that your celebrity leads with their heart or their head? do their emotions get the best of them, or are they controlled? A mix of both, definitely. From a career/business perspective, she leads with her head with every decision that she makes. Taylor holds a lot of determination. She always finishes whatever she sets her mind to. There’s no stopping her, no matter what it comes to. Before she got signed, she performed at open mic nights and various community talent shows almost every weekend. It’s how she actually got discovered by her former label, Big Red Machine. And even before that, she got signed by another label, RCA, when she was a pre-teen but decided to risk everything and walk away because she knew she wasn’t going to be happy there if she stayed. Whenever an A&R guy would tell her his opinion, she would stand her ground and do what she wanted to do. There’s been times when her heart gets the best of her and she winds up doing something spontaneous like writing a letter to Apple about paying artists fairly. And her heart is definitely what leads her in love and relationships. It doesn’t take much for Taylor to get attached to people. Although she has been more careful about wearing her heart on her sleeve these days, she still does get attached way too easily. She gets invested in her friends’ emotions, treats fans like family, and worries about individuals day in and day out even if they aren’t thinking of her. She tries to get to know someone before jumping into a relationship with them, but sometimes her heart gets in the way and she jumps in without looking. Most of the time she has her emotions on lock because she knows there’s nothing worse than a screaming match about who can scream the loudest, so she tries to speak in a neutral tone when she’s in an argument. When she was younger, she used to play dangerously along the lines of gaslighting herself because she didn’t know if what she was feeling was valid or not. She used to have a tendency to forget that she's allowed to express how she feels. She had tried one-too-many times to suppress any sadness or anger. She could never remember that it is okay to feel how she feels and focus on her issues. She used to blindly disregard herself, but after everything that’s happened in her life she needed to learn and program it in her brain that she is valid. Taylor is someone who freezes when she’s feeling something that makes her uncomfortable, and then a few minutes later she knows how she feels. In the moment, though, she has a whole conversation with herself on whether she’s overreacting or if she’s perfectly valid for feeling the way she does. Before, she would either say the exact thing on her mind, or she would stay silent and then go over what she wanted to say when she had the chance at a later time. As she’s gotten older, she’s been able to say how she feels in a way that doesn’t feel combative or like she’s trying to start something unnecessary. Now, she’s very straightforward. If she feels a certain way, she lets it be known, regardless of the consequences that might arise from it. This is in every aspect of her life, not just petty things. If she’s interested in someone romantically, she’ll make it obvious without any regrets or reservations. Plus, when she’s feeling something intense like heartbreak or happiness, she writes about it in a poem, a song, or her journal. She gets through everything by writing about her feelings, and it helps her process them by doing that.

is there anything special or unique about any of your celebrity’s names? were they named after anyone? did the name have specific inspiration? Taylor Alison Swift is a pretty simple name, but it holds a lot of meaning. Taylor, her first name, comes from the legendary James Taylor. Her parents raised her on his music, so it’s cool to her that she’s named after someone who shaped her artistry. And getting to perform with him a couple of times means a lot to her. Taylor gets her middle name from her aunt Alison, and lastly, her last name is Swift. A name she got from her dad, of course.

what makes your celebrity feel insecure? Award shows or performing in front of people who will judge her for her live performances. While she knows she’s not the best vocalist in the industry and has not sought out to be the best singer of all time, she still wants to give her all when she’s performing and will overthink all of her performances before, during, and after them. She’s her own biggest critic and knows that she can improve with each performance that she does. Whenever she hears herself miss a note or forget the lyrics, she’ll tear herself apart and will obsess over it. She’ll put on a mask and give thanks whenever someone says she did fine, but deep down she’ll think about it until her next performance.

does your celebrity have any tattoos or piercings? Tattoos, no. When she was a teenager she really wanted to get a small heart tattooed on her foot, but her dad influenced her against it. She’s happy she listened to her dad. Piercings, yes. She has her two earlobes pierced, but she doesn’t have anything else on her body pierced. Even though she has no tattoos and minimal piercings, she thinks they’re extremely cool and an awesome way for self expression.

got any pets? if your celebrity has pets, tell a little bit about them; if not, what kind of pet would they like to have, or why don’t they have any? She does have pets! Three cats to be exact. While growing up, Taylor had her fair share of pets, and most of them were dogs. It wasn’t until she was in her early twenties that she got her first cat, Meredith, who is named after the iconic Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy. The second cat she has is Olivia Benson, who is named after Olivia Benson from Law & Order: SVU. Those two are both Scottish fold cats. The most recent cat that Taylor adopted is Benjamin Button, named after the F. Scott Fitzgerald short story. Benji is the one she fell in love with at first sight after meeting him during her Me! shoot. Meredith is a bit snooty and has an attitude, but when she likes you she’ll let you pet her and cuddle her for as long as she lets you. Olivia just wants you to love her, while Benji doesn’t care as long as he has your attention. Meredith is coordinated and sophisticated but loves you fiercely when she decides to. Olivia walks into walls, drools, and flops around, but is ready to love you at first sight. Benji is a mix between the two. He loves to have his own space, but he also loves to be held like a baby and treated like a king.

what does it take for someone to be ‘unlikable’ to your celebrity? what’s the final straw that makes them give up on someone? For Taylor, she judges people mostly on their moral code. The people she wants in her life are people who have and regularly exercise loyalty, empathy, understanding, honesty, trust, and open communication. If you betray your friend, talk about them badly when they’re not around, degrade them for any reason, or talk down to them, she has no interest in keeping you in her life. She’s been known to give second chances to people who never deserved them, and it bit her in the ass. She can’t stand when people use or take advantage of their so called friends. If you’re in her life, it means you both have a mutual respect of one another. 

how would you describe your celebrity’s sense of style? Taylor has always been a person who loves to experiment with fashion. For her, it’s a form of self expression and she loves to represent herself through it. Her style isn't limited to one thing, it’s actually pretty much all over the place. Some days she'll wear pastel colors or all black, or a mix of color. It really just depends on how she feels during the day. In addition to that, she loves to go through phases. She went from cowboy boots to Oxfords to high heels. She went through the phase of loving vintage dresses to the phase of loving crop tops. She may not always top the best dressed lists every week, but she loves to wear what she thinks is cute and fun and shows her style. When it comes to performing, she likes to wear outfits that are easy to perform in. Taylor's stage outfits are generally very short and shiny, so it's easy to dance in. There’s some skin showing, but not too much. Over the years, her main collaborators for stage outfits have been designer Jessica Jones, along with her main stylist Joseph Cassell. 

what is the most positive and supportive relationship that your celebrity has in their life? Her mom. Taylor’s mother is her best friend, and she tells her everything. They talk every day and see each other almost every day. Taylor’s mom has seen and heard it all, whether it’d be about a break up, a career setback, or just how her day is going, she knows it all. Taylor’s mom is like her personal therapist, and she’d be lost without her. Her mom is her everything. A few years ago, her mom was diagnosed with cancer. Taylor was ready to give everything up and stay with her mom. In fact, she insisted, but her mom’s insistence that she go chase her dreams and tour around the world was stronger. She is scared that something will go terribly wrong, and suddenly the cancer will multiply a lot faster and take over her mom’s body, while she’s somewhere else in the world. Taylor’s priorities have changed a lot through the years, which is why she’s been spending more time with her family rather than doing year long tours. She wants to take advantage of all the time she has with her mom while she’s able to. She’s just so grateful for her support and knows that not everyone has a strong bond to their mom like she has with hers.

how does your celebrity see themselves vs. how others see them? When Taylor looks into the mirror or thinks about how she sees herself, she sees a woman doing what she loves. A woman who is happiest when she’s on stage. A woman who is most at peace when she’s writing, and most alive when she’s performing. A woman who’d do anything for her fans, and still can’t believe she has fans. A woman who wants to change the world. A small town girl who wants to inspire at least one person who’s struggling, because if she can make it this far, so can they. She thinks of herself as someone who holds onto hope. Even when she’s unhappy, she does all she can to prevent others around her to feel the same. She’s an open optimist but a closeted cynic. She doesn’t always know what she wants but she knows what she needs. She’s a woman who sees the beauty in all of the little things. She loves to love, and she has a lot of it to give away. She appreciates all the little favors and remembers every single polite thing someone has ever done for her. She forgives (most of the time) but never forgets; a strong believer in a moral code. She’s filled with affection and passion. She does her best to be as impartial as possible, just wanting the best for everyone no matter the cost. She puts others first, and forgets that she too could use the help of others. She’s the calm after the storm or the storm herself. She has the potential to be so much more than she sees, but she’s clouded by her own insecurities, and doesn’t know how to get rid of them. She’s very aware of how others see her. They may paint her out to be a manipulator, a liar, and a bitch but she knows how the people she loves see her. She knows that she’s not the conniving woman that most people think she is, and hopes that people can see who she truly is. She’s someone who loves with all of her heart and is fiercely loyal to her friends and family. While others may see her as someone who loves feuds and drama, Taylor thinks of herself as just someone who stands her ground and doesn’t take shit from anyone. Love her or hate her, you can’t deny that she’s a lover and someone who feels with everything in her. Mostly, she wants to be thought of as being a kind person, someone who is trying to see the best in other people. She wants people to know she is really trying in everything and anything she does, and she wants to be a bright and glowing presence in someone’s life.

did your celebrity have a conventional upbringing and family life, or live life outside the box? Growing up, she had a very conventional life. She was born and raised in a small town in Pennsylvania, and she had a pleasant childhood there. It was a nice upbringing, and she wouldn't change it for the world. Her dad was a stockbroker while her mom stayed at home, and Taylor’s parents never had to worry about any financial issues. Once Taylor realized her dreams of being a singer-songwriter, her entire family packed up and moved to Tennessee. Even though she’s now spent most of her life away from Pennsylvania, she considers it her home state.  

education; how far did your celebrity go with it, and did it help them land where they are in life right now? She has an education all the way up to a high school diploma. She actually didn’t go to her graduation ceremony as she had an award show that night, so she had her diploma mailed to her. She’s been fortunate enough that she didn’t need to go to university since she started her career as a teen. Still, she sometimes wonders what it’d be like to go back to school and get a degree in something.

is your celebrity a planner, or into spontaneity? When it comes to her career and business ventures, she definitely plans everything and thinks about everything. Now, being able to own any new music that she makes, she feels like she’s able to record and release songs whenever she wants to. In her personal life, she loves spontaneous plans. Calling up a friend and just driving all night long or flying to a different country for a day and exploring it always sounds like a good time to Taylor.

introvert or extrovert? how has that hurt or helped them on their current life path? Extrovert all the way. Put her in a room with someone and she can guarantee you that she’ll be able to find a way to connect with them. She gets it from her dad since he’s a talker, too. Taylor’s never one to shy away from introducing herself to people and she loves meeting new people. It’s definitely helped her career because she’s been able to make herself relatable to her fans and build a connection with them. Her social skills have helped her make good (and sometimes bad) connections in the industry.

what is your celebrity’s outlook on love? do they believe in soulmates? love at first sight? monogamy? Taylor has way too many thoughts on love as a hopeless romantic, but she thinks it’s a terrifying risk that is completely worth it. And that stands true regardless of what kind of love it is. For her, love is one of the greatest, if not the greatest, things in this world. There’s nothing like love – the pure joy, happiness, just complete elation. Being on cloud nine is the best feeling in the world. And yes, love also has its down sides and they’re some of the hardest downs. When you crash and burn from love, it really hurts. It’s the most agonizing heart-wrenching pain, but the fact that you can feel that type of emotion is something so special, too. The fact that you cared so deeply about someone and someone cared that deeply about you is really special. Love is a very sacred thing to Taylor and one of her biggest wishes is that everyone in this world experiences it at least once. Because even when it sucks, love is such a beautiful thing and worth having and fighting for. Now when she thinks about romantic love, the first few words that come to mind are: golden, pure, respect, adoration, connection, empathy, light, indescribable. Love is the ultimate beauty in all its best forms, and romantic love is no exception. There is the first glance feeling, the breathlessness of state change. You think you’re fine by yourself and then they come and ruin everything. There is fear and worry but the instant you’re with the person you love? You let go (of your fears and your ghosts). It’s a breath of fresh air you didn’t know you needed. It’s like the feeling of rediscovering all of your favorite songs, again and again and again. It’s being enchanted at the first meeting and being enchanted forevermore. It’s not that your life will become a fairytale because it won’t. You’ll both have days when the world is dark and your minds are cruel and your soul aches. You’ll both make mistakes. You’ll both be human. But the feeling of golden warmth in your heart that you thought would fade away stays and makes itself at home. And they stay. And they love you, too, because they’re here for every part of you just as you are for every part of them. And it’s easier than you ever dreamt possible and it’s lighter than air and you’ll never know how you got so damn lucky. It’s golden, it’s pure, it’s respect, it’s adoration, it’s light, it’s indescribable. It’s love. That’s what love is to Taylor. Maybe it's because she reads too many romantic books and watches too many rom-coms, but that's what she fantasizes about. Does she believe in soulmates? To an extent, yes. She thinks that two people could be connected so deeply that no one else in the world could understand their bond like they do. It’s a cool concept to think telepathy is real and it exists between soulmates, platonic or otherwise. She thinks it’s fun to believe in things like fate and soulmates and all of those things that are guided by some invisible force greater than we as humans. She believes in love at first sight, but knows that that kind of love is most likely disguised as infatuation that slowly turns into love. Love requires a mutual, deep intimacy and understanding amongst all parties. It’s complex, and doesn’t just happen within a first sight.

who would your celebrity give their life for? Her family, for sure. The love they give her is unconditional and the moments she shares with them are always in her heart. Whether she’s laughing, crying, or whatever it may be, they’re what keeps her together. Her friends are also people she would give her life for. They’re another source of what keeps her together. Her friends back home (the ones she managed to keep over the years) and the ones she’s met through the industry are what made her days brighter despite the dark clouds that loomed over her head during a dark period in her life. She’s thankful for them every single day and for the new friends she hopes to make. When she went through the #taylorswiftisoverparty in 2016, she had a phase where she was extremely upset and kept thinking she didn’t have any friends left. But she was so wrong. She’d never been more wrong about anything. Selena, Blake, Ryan, along with the friends she’s made here in Bayview like Delta, Melissa, and Daisy have become more than friends and more like her family. It’s those people she’d do anything for and she knows are also there for her no matter what.

when it comes to forgive and forget, how fast is your celebrity to do either of those things? one over the other? or hold grudges forever? Over the years, she’s learned that you don’t have to forget and you don’t have to forgive to move on from something. You can move on from a situation without any of those things happening. She usually lets things go, but it’s always going to be there in the back of her mind as a reminder of what they’ve done to her. As for holding a grudge, it depends on the severity of the wrongdoing, most of the time she’s just relieved that the person revealed their true colors so she can go on without their negative presence in her life. The media has been known to spin a feud of hers into something of a spectacle, and paints her as someone who overreacts and doesn’t leave things be. In reality, it’s mostly the other party who can’t keep her name out of their mouth and she just lives her life peacefully. But if she has to defend herself then she will.

any certain spot in bayview that your celebrity goes to when they need to clear their mind, cheer themselves up, just get into a better mood? Bookends, definitely. Just being surrounded by books is an oasis for Taylor. Whenever she needs time to herself or needs to brighten up her day, she’ll pop over to the little bookstore, grab a bite to eat, and sit in one of the chairs with an old book in her hand. She frequents the place so much that she’s on a first name basis with all of the staff and they all know her order by heart. It’s one of her favorite little corners of Bayview.

who is your celebrity’s role model or hero? is there any specific reason for that, or are they just someone they look up to? Ethel Kennedy. She inspires Taylor to embrace the unpredictable side of life, to find delight in every new experience. Ethel herself has taught Taylor that to really live, you have to jump in, you have to take chances. You have to embrace the unpredictability of life instead of fearing it. Meeting Ethel herself was really one of the rare times Taylor has been starstruck, and getting to spend some time with her has been one of the biggest highlights of her life.

does your celebrity have any secrets? anything that they would absolutely hate for anyone to find out about them? Hm, Taylor would say there’s a lot that people don’t know about her, naturally, because she can’t talk to everyone that knows her name. However, a secret of hers would be that maybe that she’s not as put-together as she comes off. She’s noticed that a lot of people approach her with the assumption that she’s a well-rounded, deeply intellectual person with some strong grasp on the path of her life when she’s just another person trying to figure things out like anyone else. A bit boring, but true! But… we all have our demons, don’t we? Things that weigh us down, despite the optimism we may have. And one of her fears that she doesn’t want anyone to know is that she’s scared that she is going to end up all alone someday. Whether it’s romantically or platonically, Taylor is scared that she’ll never be good enough, or really that people will realize that she isn’t good enough and just leave her. She’s had it happen before, and she’s scared that all the noise in her life will make them leave one way or another. 

it’s a gala night and your celebrity has to dress up; are they way into it, or counting down the hours until they can put sweats back on? Taylor definitely loves to dress up for a night and get all glammed up, but she’ll pack an extra pair of shoes so she doesn’t have to worry about her feet hurting all night. There are times where she has to force herself to get the motivation to sit in a makeup chair and get ready, but she usually thinks it’s all worth it once the night is over.

when it comes to your celebrity’s love life, how do they feel about it? are they happy? Taylor’s notorious for loving love. It’s her brand, quite literally. If I could give an example of how Taylor feels about her love life, it would be equivalent to how Jenny Slate explains in her book when she says, “I am a lovely woman. Who will come into my kitchen and be hungry for me?” because Taylor wants love so much that she doesn’t know what to do with herself sometimes and she feels like it might not be in the cards for her. I always picture Taylor being like Lara Jean from the TATBILB series because she’s always been the girl who daydreams about finding ‘the one’, and what true love might really be. She feels too much and sometimes thinks that’s her vice. Despite all of this, though, she’s really, really happy with her love life. She has her friends, and finds romance in that. She loves her independence and isn’t going to sacrifice it for just anyone. If she does fall in love, the most important thing is that who ever she falls for has a special kind of connection with her. She wants to feel a spark, but creating a fire takes some time so she’ll wait. She has some patience. And honestly, it’s easy for her to fall for someone -- she can fall in love with anything. She falls in love with the way the sun shines into her room every morning, she falls in love with the flowers in the yard, the smell of fresh rain… she falls in love with the sound of people’s voices, their faces, their interests, just everything. Whoever she falls for has to put up with her just loving… everything. She’s probably in love with at least one quality about everyone. Taylor’s a lot to put up with, she loves easily and she falls harder. She can be intense, like, she’s never been that deep in love with someone, but she knows she can be. She trusts too easily and she ends up getting hurt a lot of the time. She just wants someone who’s in love with her mind, her goals, her ideas… she wants them to see her in their dreams like she would see them. She’s very, very happy with her love life, but God, does she want to know what being in an actual serious, committed relationship is like.

if your celebrity had to leave the house in a rush, what three things would they grab on their way out? (people and pets excluded!) Taylor doesn’t need much when she leaves the house. She carries around a handbag, which holds just about everything she needs for the day or even for the ten minutes to two hours she’s away from her house. She can’t leave without at least these three items in her bag, and it’s really the necessities that she tosses in there. The first thing in her bag is her Iphone and portable charger. Her phone holds everything. It’s not really in her bag as it’s more in the palm of her hand instead. She tends to waste a lot of her battery very quickly, so just in case she must charge her phone, she has her handy dandy charger at her disposal. She needs her journal and a few pens because unless her phone is unavailable to use to make a note of something or write down whatever muse she’s feeling, she has her handy dandy pen and paper to depend on when she needs it most. Lastly, she always holds on to a picture of her family. Somewhere in her bag she’d have a picture of her, her parents and her brother. She wouldn’t be where and who she is without her family’s love and support, and at the end of the day she loves them more than anything and is always thankful for their strong presence in her life. She likes to be reminded of who she is and where she came from because staying true to herself, although hard, is her number one goal.

does your celebrity have any bad habits or quirks that they just can’t kick, no matter how hard they try? Not taking care of herself would be the biggest bad habit she has had. It's hard for Taylor to accept that sometimes, she needs help. She truly is independent to a fault. She is used to taking care of others and helping them that she sometimes forgets about herself. She hates feeling like a burden to someone else and takes being independent to a whole other level. Over the years, she's learned to stay off of social media when she's in a bad mood and she's learned to only value the opinions of people she cares about. She's never been to therapy, and knows she probably should, but feels as if she doesn't need to because she has her mom to talk to. Ways she takes care of herself when she's feeling down would be lighting a new candle, reading some poetry, watching a TED Talk, or painting with her watercolors. Eating what she wants when she wants is also something she's learned to do, too. She used to use food as a coping mechanism. Whenever she felt like she didn't have control in her life, she would deprive herself of basic meals so could could feel some control. These days she's been better at eating what she wants without feeling guilty and has learned to have a healthy relationship with food. 

what are your celebrity’s thoughts on kids? do they want any in the future, if they don’t already have any? want more, if they do? When Taylor was younger, she used to dream of having that fantasy of a white picket fence with a family. Over the years, it’s changed a little bit. Whenever she thinks about bringing a child into this world, she worries about their privacy and how they would survive with people watching their every move. She can’t imagine having paparazzi following them around, trying to get a glimpse of them. She wants kids, for sure, but doesn’t want them to face unfair scrutiny or having cameras in their faces 24/7 just because one of their parents is “famous”. 

does your celebrity have a favorite room in their home? Probably her room because it’s the only place in the world where she can be comfortable. She loves spending her days in her room just watching TV and lounging around with her cats. If she’s decided to spend time in her room, she probably has ordered some type of comfort food like Chinese or pizza, put on a face mask with her hair tied up, done some online shopping, taken a nap or just lied down, listened to some vinyls – just anything that lets her breathe and relax. 

it’s a free day. completely, from morning until bed time – what would your celebrity like to spend it doing? Her perfect day would be spent with her family. She would have invited her family over to her house, letting them spend the night. In the morning, she would make them breakfast. She’d have them tour the town, and would take her mom antique shopping for a bit while her dad and brother have their own bonding time. They’d get lunch by the ocean, and then she would drive them around each neighborhood in Bayview. By dinner time, they would go out to eat somewhere in the Downtown area and then walk around the park. At the end of the day, they would go back to her house and watch a movie or play a game before they all retired to bed for the night. That sounds like a perfect day to Taylor.

to this day, what has been the hardest thing for your celebrity to come up against or overcome, whether personally or professionally? In the past thirty years Taylor has been through a lot, from a career point of view and a personal one. In her personal life, having to go to court in 2017 to face the man who sexually assaulted her was one of the hardest things Taylor has done. It was tough for her to do, and even though she spent many sleepless nights during that week, it was all worth getting the justice she deserved. From people mocking her about her body to not believing her side of the story, Taylor will never forget those who supported her during that whole ordeal. She's happy that more and more people are able to come forward with their stories despite the backlash they might get, and will always believe someone's story because she knows how hard it is to do. We all probably know what Taylor's hardest career obstacle was... the disaster of the 2016 Kimye incident. That whole year, especially that summer, was an emotional rollercoaster for Taylor and she learned so much from that experience. She was so, so scared that she wouldn't be able to make art anymore and that the 1989 era would be her last. Luckily, her fans stuck around and have always had her back. To Taylor, her fans are so important. They are the reason she's still making music to this day and the reason why she gets to present her songs to the world. As someone who has only ever dreamt of being able to share her art with others, the people who have really made it possible are the people who truly support her for it. Taylor's “fans” are more like friends, and friends to her are like family. They are people who’ve supported her for what she loves doing most and she can’t thank them enough for it.

ten years ago, did your celebrity ever think that they would be where they are now? are they happy with that spot in life? what do they hope to achieve yet in the future? At the beginning of the decade, Taylor was coming out of her teens and coming in to her twenties. If you told her that she would’ve released five albums, gone on four tours, won Album of the Year at the Grammys twice, moved to New York City, lose her curls and cut her hair short, been in more relationships that one hand couldn’t count, gotten a few cats, gone through one of the most humiliating things publicly, gone to court, and moved to Bayview all in the span of ten years, she would’ve laughed in your face. Despite all that has happened to her, she would take none of it back and is very happy with where she is in life. Taylor loves her life. Sure, there could be changes but other than that there’s nothing else she would want. She’s happy with the morals she grew up with, and happy with the people who’ve been kind to her and all of the lessons she’d learned over the years. The move to Bayview is a memory she wouldn’t trade for the world. She’s had the chance to travel and meet new people on the other side of the world. The chance to come to Bayview is a milestone in her life she would never trade. Sure, she still has issues with being away from her family, but by far it’s been one of the most amazing experiences in her life. If she didn't move to town, she wouldn’t have people she could connect to, she wouldn’t have met or befriended most of the people who lived here, and she wouldn’t know how to step out of her comfort zone and do things she never knew she needed to do. Bayview changed all of that. In the future, Taylor hopes to still be making albums, hopefully gaining back all of her masters or at least be done with re-recording all of her older albums. Maybe she’ll fall in love and raise a family of her own. Maybe she’ll write a novel about her life. Maybe she won’t be in Bayview still or maybe this is town is her forever home. The most important thing that matters to Taylor is being happy with whatever she’s doing, whoever she’s with and with herself. Because who knows what the future holds, y'know? Nothing else really matters as long as you love your life.

[enz-fan]

Article by Margo Huxley - early days in Australia, 1975. 

“On stage are what appear to be seven refugees from an op shop run by a lunatic asylum. They wear suits that are too big, too small or both at once. The singer’s hair is a frizz of tangles that falls over his heavily be-rouged face. He moves like a sped up movie of Charlie Chaplin doing an imitation of Harpo Marx - or is it vice versa? He comes on with a patter that sounds like ‘Waiting for Godot’ done by a music hall M.C.

Somewhere in the shadows lurks Groucho, complete with eyebrows and moustache, playing a Gibson electric guitar. Next to him, but only briefly, stands a fellow in a baggy brown suit from the set of the Godfather - he plays bass.

Round-faced and cherubic sits the drummer, almost hidden behind his kit, but visible enough to show that his suit too is certainly somebody’s cast-off.

A resurrected James Dean, white faced and hollow-eyed in a teddy boy suit of brilliant red, the pants of which are far too long and bag around the lower part of his legs, plays acoustic, electric suitar and mandolin.

The maestro of the keyboards - synthesizer, mellotron, string synthesizer and a piano that looks like someone has taken an axe to it, (and though electric, it sounds just like the real thing) - he is resplendent in tails, almost normal except that one sleeve ends at the left elbow and the other is about a foot beyond his right hand.

Then there’s this fellow just standing there, seemingly redundant in an ill-fitting pale blue suit, his head hanging like a broken marionette. Redundant that is, until he breaks forth with a pair of spoons in his hand, playing them against his head, his feet, his knees, anywhere. The rest of the time he plays slightly pixillated triangle, xylophone, bell-tree and tambourine to mention a few. Occasionally he strides up to a microphone, any microphone, to throw in a world or two of vocals.

Suddenly the demented action stops and the whole band stands in cameo stillness for a burst of electronic sound that fills the hall.

“Who are they?” a bloke in the audience asks his mate. “Dunno” the mate replies. “I think they’re Captain Matchbox.”

WRONG! This is Split Enz and as their name implies, they hail from New Zealand. Don’t be fooled. Just because they “dress funny” doesn’t mean they are like Captain Matchbox, skyhooks or - “Anyone who compares us with Roxy Music hasn’t heard Roxy Music” says Timothy Finn, lead singer.

Neither are they like Yes, King Crimson, The Sensational Alex Harvey Band, Beefheart, Zappa, Schonbert, Cage, Al Jolson, Scott Joplin, The Goons, Marcel Marceau, Monty Python or anyone else you like to mention. But comparisons are inevitable.

Comparisons are the direction with which we chart the waters of a new experience. In Split Enz music you fill find everything: classical and neo-classical; music hall honkeytonk and sleazy vaudeville; acoustic and electronic, with a blues and a boogie thrown in here and there; good ol’ rock’n’ roll; and just when you think they’ve done it all they hit you with a piano full of cool jazz, some Gregorian chants or calypso shouts for good measure.

These analogies are only signposts; the more you hear their music, the less you need them, and the more you come to realise that Split Enz create music that is individually theirs. Their lyrics conjure up nightmare visions, obsessions with madness and the macabre, woven out of cliches that spring at you with renewed vigour; phrases such as “time to kill”, “dead to the world” suggest sinister overtomes. Lines like “just hold me down if I have a fit... I think I’ll be all right... I’ll be normal someday”, “the rats are crawling up my back, it can only mean you’re coming back” are delivered with frenetic, demented mime that is more demonic than lunatic.

Some songs perhaps threaten to fall apart at the seams as style, rhythm and reference change and pile upon one another, but for the most part each song, as each performance, is carefully arranged.

“It’s a bloody orchestra.” one innocent bystander is heard to remark. And indeed ‘orchestrated’ is a better word for the music, and ‘choreographed’ a better word for the performance.

The taped Andrews Sisters-type music at the beginning with canned applause and the announcement “... SPLIT ENZ!”, the discourse on “how to get from A to B”, walking on an invisible conveyer belt going nowhere - the whole performance is a carefully planned sequence.

But not stilted, not unspontaneous. There are always new surprises even when, at daytime gigs they dispense with make up and stage clothes and appear as their normal selves. Despite the parodies and satires implied in their music - “Spoofs” is the word Timothy Finn uses - there clings to them an aura of innocence and naivety, like a Henri Rousseau painting.

This impression persists with them off stage. They are quietly spoken and polite. although their normal dress is somewhat - uh - eccentric in these days blue jeans and T-shirts, they are not the formidably intimidating maniacs they become on stage.

Timothy Finn, whose hair is no more manageable off stage than on, does most of the talking. Eddie Rayner of the keyboards is more relaxed, with a fresh-faced charm like the captain of the school cricket.

He joined Split Enz from Space Waltz, a group in which he earned much deserved renown for his wizardry on the ivories and electronic switches.

Jonathon Michael Chunn of the bass guitar has Byronic good looks that even his stage make up cannot hide, and Wally Wilkinson, moustache free from blackening and eyebrows normal is full of witty irrelevancies.

Emlyn Crowther, the man behind the drums, looks as Welsh as his name and smiles a lot. Noel Crombie is the owner of the chattering spoons. He is also the designer and maker of costumes, silent and forlorn looking, like a lost pup. And Philip Judd is reserved, almost disdainful, and stripped of grease paint, looks more like Rudolf Valentino than James Dean – that might be something to do with the scarf knotted at his throat.

Split Enz was formed about 3 years ago, but the present line up has only been together for about 10 months and work remarkably well. Timothy Finn and Philip Judd are responsible for the genesis of the words and music which the whole group then fashion into a final stage presentation.

They don’t like to talk about ‘influences’ – “The Beatles” says Timothy Finn without so much as a bat of an eyelid. And when you think about it anyone who plays music today can’t have escaped the ubiquitous presence of the Beatles. Anyway, Split Enz have admitted to liking the Kinds and the Sensational Alex Harvey Band. You can make what you like of that. It’s not a definitive list.

Their conversation is free of swearing and they don’t smoke, but have been seen to drink a beer or two on the odd occasion. They are naturally “un-hip”. They avoid words like ‘hassle’, ‘dig’, ‘gig’ and anyone in the group who makes such a blunder is gently offered alternatives like ‘bother’, ‘appreciate’, ‘job’.

Confusion occurs about their names – again because of their desire to reject the clichés of the pop world. They decided to take their second Christian names as first names which is why if you ever come across anything written about them in New Zealand, the names won’t tally. Sometimes they themselves forget and call each other by their old names, but the error is always quickly corrected.

However, some of them nationalistically flaunt the great New Zealand ‘eh’ on the end of their sentences. “That’s a great new piano we’ve just bought, eh” – not a question, a statement. But they are dropping the tag “New Zealand’s Top Band” and such like, which, while it is undoubtedly true, is just another cliché to be avoided like the plague (whoops, sorry).

Already their stay of three weeks in Australia has been extended to six in order to record with Festival in Sydney. The album will be produced by their manager Dave Russell and the cover design by ex art student Philip Judd. Out on Mushroom, the album will be a token of Michael Gudinski’s enthusiasm for this band.

They have been deluged with work, after an initially slow start in Sydney. They are the support act for the Leo Sayer Melbourne concert and have done an ABC GTK which was an immediate success. More than 60 phone calls came in after it was shown to ask who the band were – that’s some sort of record.

Up until this Australian tour, the group has always had plenty of time to recuperate from the last job and plan and prepare the next. But they are finding the rigours of touring with jobs every day or so, and sometimes more than one a day, very wearing. Any spare energy left over from the last performance must be channelled into preparing for the one following close on its heels.

Another result of the GTK spot was an approach from an ABC producer to do the sound track for a documentary called “Ten Australians”. In particular they are to back a sequence featuring the artist Sydney Ball at work.

Their plans for the future include a return to New Zealand for a couple of months, followed by a longer sojourn in Australia (amen to that), and depending on reactions to their album they hope to go to England…

Of course such an esoteric band does not have universal appeal, and being unknown in Australia, sight unseen, it’s even harder to win hearts and minds. They have great hopes that the album, plus their shows here and a bit of media exposure will make their return to Australia somewhat easier.

They do not appeal to the younger age groups – “they are no the audience we are really aiming at”. They got a poor reception at the Melbourne Festival Hall Skyhooks concert, where they were first on. The audience didn’t know and didn’t want to. (But I seem to remember once a long time ago, Skyhooks was an “underground” band). But at the Reefer Cabaret, at Unis and the Station Hotel standing ovations are the order of the day.

“There are many ways of saying goodbye:” Timothy Finn lurches into his pitch for the final number – limbs jerking, face twitching at the mercy of some drunken puppeteer; “Goodbye, Byebye, Adieu, See you later, Au revoir…” etc. “…SO LONG FOR NOW”.

Never fear, we have not seen the last of Split Enz. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is A Good Thing.”

[letterboxd]

Magic.

“I was sort of shackled by Will Smith. And in these last couple of years, I’ve just started finding my freedom.”

Aladdin stars Will Smith, Naomi Scott, Mena Massoud and director/co-writer Guy Ritchie tell Letterboxd about the whole new world of the live-action adaptation.

We’re now well into the era of the Disney live-action remake, but something feels a little bit different about the new Aladdin.

The original was released just one year after 1991’s Beauty and the Beast, the subject of its own live-action remake in 2017. Although Disney fantasies tend to exist in their own space and time, modern filmmakers strive to put a contemporary stamp on their versions. In Kenneth Branagh’s 2015 remake of Cinderella, for example, this amounted to populating the background with more diverse families than in the original, and making the stepmother somewhat less evil (she’s grieving, folks).

But Guy Ritchie had a tougher job with the new Aladdin. The 1992 version felt so fresh when it came out, due to both its surfeit of pop culture references, and Robin Williams’s never-ending stream of impersonations in his inspired, riffy performance as The Genie, that it’s a film very much still in the public consciousness. That makes a live-action remake a trickier proposition, not to mention a challenge—even to a star of Will Smith’s stature—to make The Genie his own.

The new Aladdin downplays the pop culture aspects of the earlier film, but still gives Smith room to infuse The Genie with much of his own personality.

As Smith told us at a press event in Beverly Hills recently, the key to finding his way into the character came in the film’s music: Will Smith (The Genie): It definitely started with fear. What Robin Williams did with his character was, he just didn’t leave a lot of room to add to The Genie. So I started off fearful. But then when I got with the music, it just started waking up that fun, child-like, silly part of me.

The song that got me over the hump of “Yes, I can play Genie”, was Friend Like Me. I went into the studio the first day and I really wanted to play with it to see if I could add something to it. And literally 30 minutes in the studio, and starting to play with it and finding that in that 94, 96 BPM range, we were playing around in there, thinking ultimately it was a little bit faster than that. But that 94, 96 BPM range is right old school hip hop.

So I grabbed The Honey Drippers’ Impeach The President, which is a really classic old school hip hop break-beat. And I had them throw that break-beat under there. And I messed with that and I messed with Eric B. and Rakim’s I Know You Got Soul under Friend Like Me. And I was like “Oh my God. I’m home, I’m home!”. I started playing with the hip hop flavor and then The Genie was really born in my mind from the music.

Of all the animated remakes, Aladdin probably hews closest to the plot of its inspiration, with the bonus of Princess Jasmine’s arc being beefed up a bit. She’s now somewhat more in control of her own destiny, as evidenced by a new solo number, Speechless.

Actress Naomi Scott describes performing the new song, which was written for the film by Disney legend Alan Menken, along with La La Land and The Greatest Showman songwriters Benj Pasek and Justin Paul: Naomi Scott (Princess Jasmine): The fact that they wrote a song and I get to sing it, first of all, I was like, wow. That’s already surreal. But then when I heard it and just the words and the lyrics and how timely it was, the message behind the song and the idea of not going speechless, that everyone has a voice, doesn’t matter who you are, doesn’t matter what you look like, doesn’t matter what your gender is, your voice matters. And speaking out against injustice matters. Not just standing by and being a spectator. That day was very emotional because I wanted it to feel raw. And I wanted it to feel like what she’s going through in that moment. We did some of it live as well which was a different type of challenge.

On Princess Jasmine’s 2019 character update: NS: I really think it was a natural progression. Guy said something which I thought was really great. He was talking about equality of challenge. The idea that Jasmine needed even more of a challenge in this movie as well. As I said, it’s a natural progression. The fact that she wants to become the leader. I kind of just want people to walk out and go, oh yeah, that makes sense, right? She should be the leader. It’s not this thing that’s been shoehorned in. It just makes sense. And she’s a human. For me as an actor, my main thing is, how do I humanize her, how do I give her depth? So those things just came naturally.

Guy Ritchie (director/co-writer): If there was anything that looked like there could be some evolution in this narrative, it was that there needed to be a voice given to Jasmine. I mean, Aladdin has been given enough challenges to get on with. Genie had his hands full. The most conspicuous character thereafter was Jasmine, who was arguably a tad bit passive in the original. And it just felt like there was an obvious space there that we could have worked on. And as Naomi said, it was about equality of challenge. Because there’s no point banging on about something unless you can back it up.

To me, it’s not really about gender as much as it is about an individual standing up for themselves at a pertinent time. And they can illustrate that point, they can articulate that point. And they have the breadth and personality to do that. And I think it really works actually, that part in the film, because it is backed up. So that just felt like it was the most obvious place that this narrative could evolve, was to give Princess Jasmine a voice and that she could back that voice up.

Naomi Scott and Mena Massoud on set with director Guy Ritchie.

On bringing his own directorial flavor to the project: GR: You’ll be surprised how familiar I am in this territory considering I’ve got five kids and the oldest one is 18, which pretty much means I’ve been up to me eyeballs in Disney productions for 19 years. And also, by sort of family demand, it was about time I made a movie that we could all watch together. So Aladdin ticked the box in the sense that it was a street hustler and I was familiar with that territory. And frankly, I was just ready to do something in this world. Of course, it’s very hard to be objective about your own work, but inevitably what happens is that you leave an imprint upon it. But you know some clever director once said that the lion’s share of directing is casting. And I think that’s true. And I think once we got our little team together, it didn’t take us long before we all dialled into that same frequency. But then it just all worked from there.

On the diverse backgrounds of the film’s cast (Massoud is Egyptian-Canadian, Scott is English-Indian): Mena Massoud (Aladdin): I’m especially proud of the representation and the ethnically diverse casting that was put together for this. It’s not often you can go to a movie theater and see all people of color represented like this. It’s certainly something that I was missing in my childhood. So I’m proud of the cast and the casting that Guy and Disney put together. I’m excited for little boys and girls to go see people that look like them on screen, man. That’s what I’m proud of.

On Will Smith’s decision to get back to work: WS: I took a couple of years off. And I guess I had sort of hit a ceiling in my life. I had created the things that I could create in my career. I was getting to the end of my wisdom with leading my family and I kind of got to a point where I had a bit of a collapse of my life and creations. So I took a couple of years off essentially to study; to study and journey spiritually.

Aladdin was really my first sort of coming back in and seeing if my heart was even still in this kind of performing, and what I discovered is everything starts with: what am I saying to the world? How does this piece contribute to the human family? Can I go around the world with the ideas that the movie represents and can I teach and preach these ideas in good conscience?

Aladdin checks all of those boxes. I love the idea of Genie, and one of the things that I related to in Genie is that the Genie has shackles. The Genie has these spectacular powers, but he’s shackled. Like, he is a prisoner of his spiritual fate. And that is sort of how I felt with Will Smith. I was sort of shackled by Will Smith. And in these last couple of years, I’ve just started finding my freedom, getting free of Will Smith and I’m getting more comfortable being me. So Aladdin was that first step back out.

On the power of Disney: WS: This is my first Disney movie. There’s something that Walt Disney did in the design of these stories that at the core shocks the inner child within you and forces it to come alive and smile and appreciate the moment. This was the most joyful experience of my career.

‘Aladdin’ is in cinemas across the globe now. Comments have been edited for clarity and length.

[thatsamoireh]

Moncton show and meet & greet recap! I put together my thoughts about the show, my meet & greet experience, photos of the things I made them, and their reactions. It got wordy.

Here’s a preview in the form of some bald skater babies pre-hair styling.

Thoughts about the Moncton show:

We were in the third row but I was behind/between two incredibly tall women. I could see if I moved my head a lot and I still ultimately had a fantastic view but it made photos and videos pretty impossible. A couple sort of came out so I’ll post those later.

 I knew I couldn’t keep myself entirely unspoiled but I wanted to enjoy the show in the moment as much as possible. I’d let myself watch videos of VM’s solo things as much as I wanted, the group numbers fully exactly once each, and no one else’s solos at all though I knew what the songs were.

Tessa and Scott skating live in person was still a thing I wasn’t prepared for because can you ever be? They are so in tune with each other. They have to be able to do programs like MR in their sleep at this point but there were little moments and touches and looks that made it seem like a brand new unique experience at both shows I went to. MR was so intense, 4 Minutes was so playful, and Diamonds was so... elegant? Graceful? Regal? Tessa is a queen. Scott knows it, we all know it, and that dance showcases her so breathtakingly. The gasps when she skated out in her diamond bodysuit. I’ll never forget that.

I can’t get over how much FUN Scott was having, particularly during group performances and the moments that he could interact with the audience. That boy is having the time of his life and he deserves it.

I was particularly blown away by two non-VM things that took me by surprise: First, Patrick is unreal on the ice in person. Wow. WOW. Videos don’t do him justice. W O W. Second, I loved Weapo’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody so much. It’s my favorite thing they’ve ever done. More of this from them, please.

One of the best parts was my friend’s reactions during the show since she had no idea at all what was going to happen and was mostly there to humor me. After Moulin Rouge: “...Um. Okay, yeah. I ship it.” After Phantom: “Has Patrick Chan ever fallen once in his life? It feels like he was born ice skating.” After I Weapo’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody: “Okay, so now I’m crying.” After Sweet Dreams: “That was cool. Scott definitely had the best sunglasses.” She was so concerned for Meagan’s safety whenever Eric spun her around that she kept making these little alarmed noises. 

After the dance off as Elvis was talking to the crowd, Scott skated up behind him in the way that I could just tell was going to be a last show prank situation. For a hot second I thought he might pants him which would have been a terrible idea but he either poked his sides or pulled UP on the back Elvis’ pants instead. Elvis startled and turned and shot him a look that meant Scott might pay for that later. I am SO sad that Scott’s back was to me because I would have loved to have seen his face during all that.

The cheering was pretty equal so Meagan said Elvis should break the tie since it was his last show which got Elvis a big cheer too. He couldn’t/wouldn’t declare a winner so Meagan went into Dancing Queen.

Elvis got standing ovations after his skates and he was clearly getting emotional and taking it all in as his last show on the tour. I’m not sure if the crowd even really knew it was his last show after his Dragon skate yet (Meagan said it during the dance off and the crowd reaction kind of implied they maybe didn’t know), which means they all just really appreciated him that much. MR, Patrick’s Phantom, and Eric/Patrick’s Storm all also got standing o’s to my recollection. Plus the finale of course.

During the encore after a moment when they were all grouped together at center ice, Elvis started skating out like they’re supposed to but everyone else stayed put and did some ta-da arms to give him a special little last show send off. He put his hand on his heart and knelt down and it was all so sweet.

There are more things that I’m forgetting right now probably. Oops?

My Moncton meet & greet experience:

Okay. So. I make and sell amigurumi crochet dolls. Here are my Hamilton and Hocus Pocus dolls, to give you an idea of the kinds of things I make.

I decided before the tour that I’d make the nine of them to give the cast at my meet & greet in Moncton. (Thanks to @peacefulboo for the cheerleading along the way!) Here they are done but still hairless, which in my opinion is peak cuteness honestly. Please, please don’t repost any of my doll or m&g photos anywhere, thanks!

And fully done. Photos never do my dolls’ hair justice, I swear. They’re better in real life I promise. (I’ll put more close ups at the end of the post in case anyone is interested.)

I’d decided to do everyone’s Pyeongchang free skate/free dance costumes but wasn’t sure which to make for Elvis until I saw he was doing Dragon for the tour. So I did his Olympic Dragon costume, complete with his 1994 hairstyle. He was so nice and as he was putting the doll down on the table he noticed the hair and pointed it out, laughing. When he got home, he regrammed his wife’s Instagram post featuring my doll (!!!) and their dog’s reaction made my LIFE. (Screencaps near the end of this post.)

Kaitlyn and Andrew got so excited about the dolls. I told Kaitlyn that her dress ended up being the hardest by far to recreate in doll form and she slapped her hands on the table, leaned in toward me, and said, so earnestly, “IT WAS SO HARD TO MAKE IN REAL LIFE TOO!” Meanwhile Andrew was smiling hugely and moving his doll’s legs to make him dance. I love them both so much.

Meagan wondered at me about how I make things like this (which like, it’s all relative I guess because I wonder at how she can do the things she does on the ice) and Eric got a little grin and told me that he loved that I did his sheer sleeves. (I think Eric’s doll might have secretly been my favorite, or at least tied with Tessa. The stubble really made it.)

Just as we were about to get in Patrick and Kaetlyn’s line Tessa went hurrying past us out of the room with someone in a tour jacket. She was smiling, so my guess is that nature called and she couldn’t wait anymore to answer. (No idea if that’s true, just a guess.) I looked over at Scott and he didn’t look concerned, was just wandering around, joking with Patrick, drinking a smoothie.

As the cast members near the start of the lineup finished up with fans they were leaving. The m&g music was excellent (my friend got confirmation from Scott that it was Andrew’s playlist that night) and Kaitlyn was dancing as she headed for the door just as Tessa was coming back in a few minutes later. They had a little dance party (the song was Hey Ya I’m 98% sure) as they danced toward each other, danced together for few seconds laughing, and then Tessa danced all the way back to her signing table. Scott loudly announced, “MS. VIRTUE HAS RETURNED!”

Before he sat down again, Scott crept silently up behind Patrick and poked him in both of his sides, making him jump mid-sentence while talking to the fan at his table. Scott grinned, so proud of himself, and it was pretty amazing.

I stayed with my friend L in Fredericton during this trip. We’ve known each other for 18 years and she’s in the States a lot so I’ve seen her in real life several times over the years but this is the first time I’ve been able to go visit her. Due to a last minute emergency my other friend that was going to drive up from NY for the shows with me couldn’t come, so L humored me and came along since I had the extra tickets. She remembered Elvis from her childhood skating phase and she knew who VM were in the casual way many Canadians do. So she wanted photos with those three but otherwise was perfectly happy to volunteer to be my mom friend and hold the little gift bags with the dolls and the Orlando postcards I’d made up for them.

I mention this because there was someone working for the venue/tour at the head of each line to use our phones/cameras to take our one photo per person for us in order to keep the lines moving along relatively quickly (note: I never felt the slightest bit rushed and everyone was lovely). When we got to the front of Patrick and Kaetlyn’s line the woman there had apparently seen me give the others their dolls and sort of wink-wink said that if my friend wasn’t getting a photo with Patrick and Kaetlyn she could “donate” it and that I should definitely take a second photo with the two of them and their dolls, too. It was so sweet of her to suggest and the photo came out so cute that I’m gonna share it.

Most of the designated camera people actually did take multiple photos, which was nice. Before my first photo with Patrick and Kaetlyn (before I gave them the dolls) Patrick had looked over at Scott and started laughing at something he must have said that I couldn’t hear. In my couple photos, Patrick went from laughing-at-Scott smiling to normal smiling and it’s quite an adorable progression.

My friend L went up to Tessa and Scott before me. Go Your Own Way was the song currently playing and we had been dancing to it in line. As L went up for her photo she joked to Scott that she should probably stop dancing now. He got this shocked look on his face and said, “NO! Never stop dancing!” She joked that she’d be blurry for the photo if she didn’t and he admitted that she had a point.

Can I just say that Tessa Virtue is radiant in person? Like, I expected it and they are all strikingly attractive humans, but Tessa just… glows or something. And Scott’s eyes are so kind. I can get very awkward turtle meeting people I admire but Scott and Tessa have this warmth that just puts you at ease right away. 

(Please, please don’t repost any of my doll or m&g photos anywhere, thanks!)

While Tessa and Scott were signing my flag I told them I’d come up from Florida to see them and how it was the first time I’d been able to visit L in our 18 years of friendship. L and I thanked them for putting together the tour so I had the excuse. Scott perked up and said, “Oh yeah? Where in Florida?” (I’m guessing he was curious if it was near where he’d recently visited so he’d have a frame of reference? Idk.)

I gave them the dolls and they both smiled so big while examining them intensely. I was a little overwhelmed so I can’t remember what Scott said to me exactly but part of it was, “You made this?” Tessa said something about how amazing it was that I could make them and I told her I had a little business, which I thought she would appreciate in a girl power kind of way. I told her that I’d made her doll first since I suspected it would be the most complicated (little did I know how Kaitlyn’s dress would prove me so, so wrong there) and it would make or break if I was going to be able to make the rest. She said she loved the details on the dress a lot and was going to show Mathieu and that he’d love it too. (!!!)

In conclusion they are all lovely, talented angels. I had such an amazing time and the show alone was 110% worth my trip to Canada, plus I still had another show in Saint John on Tuesday and all the adventures/hangouts with L over the long weekend too.

Okay, some closeups of the dolls and progress shots. I didn’t get every angle I’d have liked and photos don’t ever do their hair justice, but in case anyone is curious. Also, pardon my crafting mess in the backgrounds.

Seventeen little ice skates starched (so the blades stay semi-firm) and drying. The eighteenth was already dry and had a leg crocheted to it as a proof of concept that it would work. It would eventually become Tessa’s leg and skate, which seemed fitting.

Details on still-headless Tessa. I used sheer organza ribbon for parts of Tessa, Scott, Eric, and Kaitlyn’s costumes.

Details on still-headless Scott.

Tessa and Scott. Tessa has a bun like Kaetlyn’s but low on the back of her head.

Some screencaps from Elvis’ regram of his wife’s Instagram post. His dog’s reaction made my LIFE.

Kaitlyn and Andrew. Andrew was the easiest doll to make, while Kaitlyn was the hardest. Oh, Weapo.

Kaitlyn’s hair, which I think was my favorite hair.

Meagan and Eric. Meagan’s back was entirely covered in those jewels and I didn’t realize I never got a photo of it.

Kaetlyn. Her dress was fun to do but the embroidery thread stitching took forever.

Kaetlyn from the back. (Her bun looks lopsided from the angle of the photo.)

Patrick. I tried my best to recreate the swoopy neckline from his free skate costume and... sort of succeeded?

If you made it this far, honestly I’m impressed. Possibly some show photos to coming soon, along with my recap/photos from Saint John. (I already posted two videos from that show in case you missed them.)

[oscar-isaacs-number-one-bitch]

“Mary Poppins Returns” Movie Review

Mary Poppins Returns is the long-awaited sequel to the beloved 1964 Disney classic, Mary Poppins, which originally starred Julie Andrews as the titular nanny who helped the Banks family to become closer in their time of need. Now, the Banks children are all grown up, and Michael Banks (Ben Wishaw) has fallen on some tricky financial hardship after the passing of his wife, and may be about to lose their home, which he lives in with the three children they had together. Jane (Emily Mortimer), his sister, is helping out as best she can, but it seems to no avail…until, that is, Mary Poppins (this time around played by Emily Blunt) comes back to Cherry Tree Lane. Her first order of business? That she may look after the Banks children once more, but is she can, she’ll help Michael’s children embrace their own worlds of imagination, and remind him what it’s like to be a child again.

As a disclaimer first, let me say this: many reviews are pointing out that this film seems to follow all the same plot beats as the original without adding all that much to the overall story. Given the fact that (although I’m sure I saw it many times) I do not remember the original Mary Poppins all that well, I cannot faithfully or in good conscience say the same. What I can say is what I did honestly think of the film itself, without such a note being implemented into my review. So, how does the sequel stack up now that it’s been 54 years since the original classic? It holds up just fine, albeit with a few noticeable (if ultimately inconsequential) flaws.

Mary Poppins Returns (from what I can tell) does serviceable justice to the original, while still trying to remain its own thing. Musical films are hard enough to do, especially as sequels to beloved classics, but director Rob Marshall and company have chosen perhaps the singular most beloved classic Disney musical (at least in non-animated form) of all time to test their sails out on, and for the most part, they pull it off. From the very opening frame, one can tell that we’re in for something that may not take off, but could still be quite a bit of fun while we’re on the ground, and fun, we do have. Even all these years later, if a sequel isn’t done correctly, one will fail to care about these characters between the showy moments and the blockbuster spectacle of it all, and while occasionally the movie takes some missteps in that department, for the most part we still continue to care for Michael’s plight. The scenes in which he and Jane are reflecting on their childhood, and in particular one where Michael is taken briefly into a song of sadness remembering the passing of his wife, are genuinely moving and do conjure emotional resonance in that very special Disney way they know how to do.

The magic, too, is not lost on anyone. The opening sequence/musical number may not be one of Disney’s stronger sequel introductions, but once Mary Poppins does show up, things begin to brighten almost immediately (quite literally as the clouds around her depart). This magic is nowhere more prominent than in the upbeat musical numbers director Rob Marshall and lyricist Scott Wittman have written, paired with a fun and soaring score from composer Marc Shaiman, the two strongest of which by far are “Can You Imagine That?” and “Trip a Little Light Fantastic,” on or the other of which I’m sure is locked in for a Best Original Song nomination at this year’s Academy Awards. But these aren’t the only Oscar nominations this film is sure to muster.

The visual effects of the film are also brilliant and astounding, reminiscent of the 2D-mixed-with-live-action style for which the film’s predecessor was known. Seeing the art pop into brilliant color on screen is a real treat, and if anything, this aspect of the film will charm you into utter bliss, if but for a small set of moments. The color is not just reserved for the visual effects either. The costume and production design in the film is simply brilliant, everything brought to life in such brilliant color you’d think you were watching The Wizard of Oz in 1939. One can safely expect a slew of below-the-line nominations at this year’s Oscars for things like Sound, Visual Effects, Production/Costume Design, and Original Song, but don’t be surprised if we also see one top-category nomination as well – that nomination being Emily Blunt as the title character.

Most of the performances in the film are anywhere from serviceable (in the case of Lin-Manuel Miranda, still a bit more comfortable of a stage actor than a screen one) to genuinely good (Ben Whishaw, Emily Mortimer, Colin Firth, Julie Walters), and the returning cameo by Dick Van Dyke is full of boundless joy, but absolutely no one outsteps the ever-lovely Emily Blunt as Mary Poppins. It’s a perfect recasting, and if it’s not, it’s certainly the closest we could hope for given Julie Andrews’ absence. Blunt embodies the charm, care, and comedy of the character of Mary Poppins so perfectly she’s well-deserving of a Best Actress nomination for her work here, should one come along. In every frame, with every line, she never misses a single emotional beat or drops the vocal cadence of the character and it truly is an astounding thing to see her move across the screen with the same confidence with which Julie Andrews did all those years ago. She is truly magnificent. It’s a marvelous, and (dare I say) flawless resurrection of the character, and marks a second banner performance in Blunt’s career this year alone (paired with her brilliant work in A Quiet Place), displaying her range as an actress like never before.

Then again, I did mention earlier that this film was not without some noticeable flaws. For one thing, it’s simply too long. That’s not to say that I was ever bored or that what I was seeing on screen didn’t add to the story at all, but there are sequences, even in the musical numbers, that could have been cut down for time; as long as they are, the movie feels like it’s taking its sweet time getting to wherever it’s trying to go and on occasion loses the sense of magic or urgency because whatever scene one is watching keeps going on…and on…and on…and on and on forever until finally you think you’re getting back to one of the quiet moments of the film…and the bombastic score takes over again instead of letting you rest. In fact, there’s an entire musical number placed between the second and third acts of the film that seems only to exist so that Meryl Streep can do one of the film’s less catchy musical numbers and never show up in the narrative again. It’s a fine performance, but it just seems so unnecessary by film’s end, one wonders why Disney would just stop the narrative cold in order to give some cinematic fan service that doesn’t add to it really at all (then again, this is the company that made Solo, so I guess it follows.)

Another thing the film suffers from, besides an over-emphasis on nostalgia instead of narrative, is a slight (if only barely so) lack of focus between its two conjoined storylines. Mary Poppins is off with the children having adventures while Michael struggles to save their home, and while all the magic and visuals of the Mary Poppins storylines are genuinely fun, I just wish we had gotten to spend a little more time with Michael as a character, to see the nuance of how he got to be where he is and how he’s responding to all of what’s going on. For long stretches of the narrative, he seems to have been forgotten almost entirely, only for the film to put him back on screen and say “oh, yes, the reason this is all happening, we can’t forget to let you know that’s still here,” as if an afterthought.

And speaking of afterthoughts, there are a few more of those scattered in the film, one of which has to do with a decision that was made about Colin Firth’s character that reminded me of Zemo from Captain America: Civil War. No, Colin Firth doesn’t have a master plan to drive Mary Poppins and the Banks’ apart and make them fight each other (though that would be an interesting thing to see), but without spoilers, the writers of Mary Poppins Returns do something with his character that seemed unnecessary given that Michael already has time to struggle against. In addition to this, while I certainly enjoyed the charm of Emily Mortimer’s performance, the movie just doesn’t give her much of anything to do other than be there, and seems not at all interested in exploring her life outside of her relationship to Michael. We never see where she lives or get to follow her to any of her pro-worker rallies or anything, she’s just kind of there, and feels like less like a character in her own right because we never see that she has a life of her own. That’s a real bummer considering how well Mortimer plays the character for what screen time she has.

Still, it’s not a bad film or even just okay by any stretch of the imagination (something this film relishes in stretching, by the way). Mary Poppins Returns is, simply put, safe. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t also fun. Emily Blunt is marvelous as the titular character, and despite some overlong pacing and unnecessary character/story beats, it mostly holds together as an enjoyable family film one can see over the holiday season. The visuals are fantastic, the music is good apart from two numbers that do reach that level of great, and on a costume/production design level alone, this film should show up at this year’s Oscars. It may not be practically perfect in every way, but it gets most of it right.

I’m giving “Mary Poppins Returns” an 7.8/10.