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pumpkinpaix · 4 years

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Hi! Loving your meta on suibian :)) Just wondering what were your frustrations with cql, especially considered you've watched this in multiple mediums? (I've only watched cql)

Hi anon! thank you so much!

Oh boy, you’ve unlocked a boatload of hidden dialogue, are you ready?? :D (buckle up it’s oof. Extremely Long)

@hunxi-guilai please consider this my official pitch for why I think the novel is worth reading, if only so you can enjoy the audio drama more fully. ;)

a few things before I get into it:

I don’t want to make this a 100% negative post because I really do love CQL so much! So I’m going to make it two parts: the changes that frustrated me the most and the changes I loved the most re: CQL vs novel. (again, don’t really know anything about donghua or manhua sorry!!) Sound good? :D

this will contain spoilers for the entirety of CQL and the novel. just like. All of it.

talking about the value of changes in CQL is difficult because I personally don’t know what changes were made for creative reasons and what changes were made for censorship reasons. I don’t think it’s entirely fair to evaluate the narrative worth of certain changes when I don’t know what their limitations were. It’s not just a matter of “gay content was censored”; China also has certain censorship restrictions on the portrayal of the undead, among other things. I, unfortunately, am not familiar enough with the ins and outs of Chinese censorship to be able to tell anyone with certainty what was and wasn’t changed for what reason. So I guess just, take whatever my opinions are with a grain of salt! I will largely avoid addressing issues related to how explicitly romantic wangxian is, for obvious reasons.

OKAY. In order to impose some kind of control on how much time I spend on this, I’m going to limit myself to four explicated points in each category, best/worst. Please remember that I change my opinions constantly, so these are just like. the top contenders at this specific point in my life. Starting with the worst so we can end on a positive note!

Henceforth, the novel is MDZS, CQL is CQL.

CQL’s worst crimes, according to cyan:

1. Polarizing Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao on the moral spectrum

I’ve heard rumors that this was a censorship issue, but I have never been able to confirm or deny it, so. Again, grain of salt.

The way that CQL reframed Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao’s character arcs drives me up the wall because I think it does a huge disservice to both of them and the overarching themes of the story. Jin Guangyao is shown to be responsible for pretty much all the tragedy post-Sunshot, which absolves Wei Wuxian of all possible wrongdoing and flattens Jin Guangyao into a much less interesting villain.

What I find so interesting about MDZS is how much it emphasizes the role of external forces and situations in determining a person’s fate: that being “good” or “righteous” at heart is simply not enough. You can do everything with all the best intentions and still do harm, still fail, still lose everything. Even “right” choices can have terrible consequences. Everyone starts out innocent. “In this world, everyone starts without grievances, but there is always someone who takes the first blow.”

It matters that Wei Wuxian is the one who loses control and kills Jin Zixuan, that his choices (no matter how impossible and terrible the situation) had consequences because the whole point is that even good people can be forced into corners where they do terrible things. Being good isn’t enough. You can do everything right, make every impossible choice, and fail. You can do the right thing and be punished for it. Maybe you did the right thing, but others suffer for your actions. Is that still the right thing? Is it your fault? Is it? By absolving Wei Wuxian of any conceivable blame, it really changes the narrative conclusion. In MDZS, even the best people can do incomprehensible harm when backed into corners, and the audience is asked to evaluate those actions with nuance. Is a criminal fully culpable for the harm they do when their external circumstances forced them into situations where they felt like they had no good choices left?

Personally, I feel like the novel asks you to forgive Wei Wuxian his wrongs, and, in paralleling him with Jin Guangyao, shows how easily they could have been one another. Both of them are extraordinarily talented sons of commoners; the difference lies in what opportunities they were given as they were growing up and how they choose to react to grievances. Wei Wuxian is adopted early on into the head family of a prominent sect and treated (more or less—not going to get into it) like a son. Jin Guangyao begs, borrows, steals, kills for every scrap of prestige and honor he gets and understands that his position in life is, at all points, extraordinarily unstable. Wei Wuxian doesn’t take his grievances to heart, but Jin Guangyao does.

To be clear, I don’t think the novel places a moral value on holding grudges, if that makes sense. I think MDZS only indicates that acts of vengeance always lead to more bloodshed—that the only escape is to lay down your arms, no matter how bitter the taste. Wei Wuxian was horribly wronged in many ways, and I don’t think I would fault him for wanting revenge or holding onto his anger—but I do think it’s clear that if he did, it would destroy him. It destroys Jin Guangyao, after all.

(It also destroys Xue Yang, and I think the parallel actually also extends to him. Yi City, to me, is a very interesting microcosm of a lot of broader themes in MDZS, and I have a lot of Thoughts on Xue Yang and equivalent justice, etc. etc. but. Thoughts for another time.)

Wei Wuxian is granted a happy ending not because he is Good, but because public opinion has changed, because there’s a new scapegoat, because he is protected by someone in power, because he lets go of the past, and because the children see him for who he is. I really do think that the reason MDZS and CQL have a hopeful ending as opposed to a bleak one hinges on the juniors. We are shown very clearly throughout the story how easily and quickly the tide of public opinion turns. The reason we don’t fear that it’s going to happen to Wei Wuxian again (or any other surviving character we love) is, I think, because the juniors, who don’t lose their childhoods to war, have the capacity to see past their parents’ prejudices and evaluate the actions of the people in front of them without having their opinions clouded by intense trauma and fear. They are forged out of love, not fire.

In CQL however, it emphasizes that Wei Wuxian is Fundamentally Good and did No Wrong Ever, so he deserves his happy ending, while Jin Guangyao is Fundamentally Bad and Responsible For Everything, so he got what was coming to him (even if we feel bad for him maybe). That’s not nearly as interesting or meaningful.  

(One specific change to Jin Guangyao’s timeline of evil that I find particularly vexing, not including the one I will discuss in point 2, is changing when Jin Rusong was conceived. In the novel, Qin Su is supposedly already pregnant by the time they get married, and that matters a WHOLE LOT when evaluating Jin Guangyao’s actions, I think.)

2. Wen POWs used as target obstacles at Baifeng Mountain

I know the first point was “here’s an overarching plot change that I think deeply impacts the narrative themes” and this second one is “I despise this one specific scene detail so much”, but HEAR ME OUT. It’s related to the first point! (tbh, most things are related to the first point)

Personally, I think this one detail character assassinates like. almost everyone in attendance, but most egregiously in no particular order: Jin Guangyao, Jin Zixuan (and by extension, Jiang Yanli), Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen.

First, I think it’s a cheap plot device that’s obviously meant to enhance Jin Guangyao’s ~villainy while emphasizing Wei Wuxian’s growing righteous anger, but it fails so spectacularly, god, I literally hate this detail so much lmao. I’ll go by character.

Jin Guangyao: I get that CQL is invested in him being a ~bad person~ or whatever, but this is such a transparently like, cartoon villain move that lacks subtlety and elegance. Jin Guangyao is very dedicated to being highly diplomatic, appeasing, and non-threatening in his bid for power. He manipulates behind the scenes, does his father’s dirty work, etc. but he always shows a gentle, smiling face. This display tips his hand pretty obviously, and even if it were at the behest of his father, there’s literally no reason for him to be so “ohohoho I’m so evil~” about it—if anything, this would only serve to drive his sympathizers away. It’s a stupid move for him politically, and really undercuts his supposed intelligence and cleverness, in my personal opinion.

Jin Zixuan: yes, he is arrogant and vain and likes to show off! But putting his ego above the safety of innocent people? Like, not necessarily OOC, but it sure makes him much less sympathetic in my eyes. I find it hard to believe that Jiang Yanli would find this laudable or acceptable, but she’s given a few shots where she smiles with some kind of pride and it’s like. No! Do not do my queen dirty like this. She wouldn’t!

Wei Wuxian: where do I start! WHERE DO I START. Wei Wuxian is shown to be “righteously angry” about this, but steps down mutinously when Jiang Cheng motions him back. He looks shocked and outraged at Jin Zixuan for showing off with no concern for the safety of the Wen POWs, only to like, two seconds later, do the exact same thing, but worse! And at the provocation of Jin Zixun, no less! *screams into hands* The tonal shift is bizarre! We’re in this really tense ~moral quandary~, but then he flirts with Lan Wangji for a second (tense music still kinda playing?? it’s awful. I hate it), and then does his trickshot. You know! Putting all these people he’s supposedly so concerned about at risk! To one-up Jin Zixuan! It’s nonsensical. It’s such a conflict of priorities. This is supposed to make him seem honorable and cool, I guess? But it mostly just makes him look like a performative hypocrite. :///

Lan Wangji: I cannot believe that Lan Wangji saw this and did not immediately walk out in protest.

Lan Xichen: this is just one part of a larger problem with Lan Xichen’s arc in CQL vs MDZS, where his character development was an unwitting casualty of both wangxian censorship and CQL’s quest to demonize Jin Guangyao. One of the prevailing criticisms I see of Lan Xichen’s character is that he is a “centrist”, that he “allows bad things to happen through his inaction and desire to avoid conflict”, and that he is “stupid and willfully blind to Jin Guangyao’s faults”, when I don’t think any of this is supported by evidence in the novel whatsoever. Jin Guangyao is a subtle villain! He is a talented manipulator and liar! Even Wei Wuxian says it in the novel!

(forgive my rough translations /o\)

Chapter 49, as Wei Wuxian (through Empathy with Nie Mingjue’s head) listens to Lan Xichen defend Meng Yao immediately following Wen Ruohan’s assassination:

魏无羡心中摇头：“泽芜君这个人还是……太纯善了。”可再一想，他是因为已知金光瑶的种种嫌疑才能如此防备，可在蓝曦臣面前的孟瑶，却是一个忍辱负重，身不由己，孤身犯险的卧底，二人视角不同，感受又如何能相提并论？

Wei Wuxian shook his head to himself: “This Zewu-jun is still…… too pure and kind.” But then he thought again—he could only be so guarded because he already knew of all of Jin Guangyao’s suspicious behavior, but the Meng Yao before Lan Xichen was someone who had had no choice but to suffer in silence for his mission, who placed himself in grave danger, alone, undercover. The two of them had different perspectives, so how could their feelings be compared?

Chapter 63, after Wei Wuxian wakes up in the Cloud Recesses, having been brought there by Lan Wangji:

他不是不能理解蓝曦臣。他从聂明玦的视角看金光瑶，将其奸诈狡猾与野心勃勃尽收眼底，然而，如果金光瑶多年来在蓝曦臣面前一直以伪装相示，没理由要他不去相信自己的结义兄弟，却去相信一个臭名昭著腥风血雨之人。

It wasn’t that he couldn’t understand Lan Xichen. He had seen Jin Guangyao from Nie Mingjue’s perspective, and so had seen all of his treacherous and cunning obsession with ambition. However, if Jin Guangyao had for all these years only shown Lan Xichen a disguise, there was no reason for [Lan Xichen] to believe a famously violent person [Wei Wuxian] over his own sworn brother.

Lan Xichen, throughout the story, is being actively lied to and manipulated by Jin Guangyao. His only “mistake” was being kind and trying to give Meng Yao, someone who came from a place of great disadvantage, the benefit of the doubt instead of immediately dismissing him as worthless due to his birth or his station in life. Lan Xichen sees Meng Yao as someone who was forced to make impossible choices in impossible situations—you know, the way that we, the audience, are led to perceive Wei Wuxian. The only difference is that the story that we’re given about Wei Wuxian is true, while the story that Lan Xichen is given about Meng Yao is… not. But how would have have known?

The instant he is presented with a shred of evidence to the contrary, he revokes Jin Guangyao’s access to the Cloud Recesses, pursues that evidence to the last, and is horrified to discover that his trust was misplaced.

Lan Xichen’s willingness to consider different points of view is integral to Wei Wuxian’s survival and eventual happiness. Without Lan Xichen’s kindness, there is no way that Wei Wuxian would have ever been able to clear his name. Everyone else was calling for his blood, but Lan Wangji took him home, and Lan Xichen not only allowed it, he listened to and helped them. To the characters of the book who are not granted omniscient knowledge of Wei Wuxian’s actions and circumstances, there is literally no difference between Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao. Lan Xichen is being incredibly fair when he asks in chapter 63:

蓝曦臣笑了，道：“忘��，你又是如何判定，一个人究竟可信不可信？”

他看着魏无羡，道：“你相信魏公子，可我，相信金光瑶。大哥的头在他手上，这件事我们都没有亲眼目睹，都是凭着我们自己对另一个人的了解，相信那个人的说辞。

“你认为自己了解魏无羡，所以信任他；而我也认为自己了解金光瑶，所以我也信任他。你相信自己的判断，那么难道我就不能相信自己的判断吗？”

Lan Xichen laughed and said, “Wangji, how can you determine exactly who should and should not be believed?”

He looked at Wei Wuxian and said, “You believe Wei-gongzi, but I believe Jin Guangyao. Neither of us saw with our own eyes whether Da-ge’s head was in his possession. We base our opinions on our own understandings of someone else, our belief in their testimony.

“You think you understand Wei Wuxian, and so you trust him; I also think I understand Jin Guangyao, so I trust him. You trust your own judgment, so can’t I trust my own judgment as well?”

But he hears them out, examines the proof, and acts immediately.

I really do feel like this aspect of Lan Xichen kind of… became collateral damage in CQL. Because Jin Guangyao is so much more publicly malicious, Lan Xichen’s alleged “lack of action” feels much less understandable or acceptable.

It is wild to me that in this scene, Lan Xichen reacts with discomfort to the proceedings, but has nothing to say to Jin Guangyao about it afterwards and also applauds Wei Wuxian’s archery. (I could talk about Nie Mingjue here as well, but I would say Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen have very different perspectives on morality, so this moment isn’t necessarily OOC for NMJ, but I do think is very OOC for LXC.) This scene (among a few others that have Jin Guangyao being more openly “evil”) makes Lan Xichen look like a willfully blind bystander by the end of the story, but having him react with any action would have been inconvenient for the plot. Thus, he behaves exactly as he did in the book, but under very different circumstances. It reads inconsistently with the rest of his character (since a lot of the beats in the novel still happen in the show), and weakens the narrative surrounding his person.

None of these overt displays of cruelty or immorality happen in the book, so it makes perfect sense that he doesn’t do or suspect anything! Jin Guangyao is, as stated, perfectly disguised towards Lan Xichen. You can’t blame him for “failing to act” when someone was purposefully keeping him in the dark and, from his perspective, there was nothing to act upon.

This scene specifically is almost purely lighthearted in the novel! If you take out the Wen POWs, this just becomes a fun scene where Wei Wuxian shows off, flirts with Lan Wangji, gets into a pissing match with Jin Zixuan, and is overall kind of a brat! It’s great! I love this scene! The blindfolded shot is ridiculous and over-the-top and very cute!

I know this is a lot of extrapolation, but the whole scene is soured for me due to you know. *gestures upwards* Which is really a shame because it’s one of my favorite silly scenes in the book! Alas! @ CQL why! ;A;

3. Lan Xichen already being an adult and sect leader at the start of the show

This is rapidly becoming a, “Lan Xichen was Wronged and I Have the Receipts” essay (oh no), but you know what, that’s fine I guess! I never said I was impartial!

CQL makes Lan Xichen seem much older and more experienced than he is in the novel, though we’re not given his specific age. In the novel, he is not sect leader yet when Wei Wuxian and co. arrive at the Cloud Recesses for lectures. His father, Qingheng-jun, is in seclusion, and his uncle is the de facto leader of the sect. Lan Xichen does not become sect leader until his father dies at the burning of the Cloud Recesses. Moreover, my understanding of the text is that he is at most 19 years old when this happens. Wen Ruohan remarks that Lan Xichen is still a junior at the beginning of the Sunshot Campaign in chapter 61. (If someone has a different interpretation of the term 小辈, please correct me.) In any case! Lan Xichen is young.

Lan Xichen ascends to power under horrific circumstances: he is not an adult, his father has just been murdered, his uncle seriously injured, his brother kidnapped, and his home burnt to the ground. He is on the run, alone! Carrying the sacred texts of his family and trying to stay alive so his sect is not completely wiped out on the eve of war! He is terrified, inexperienced, and unprepared!

You know, just like Jiang Cheng, a few months later!

I see a lot of people lambasting Lan Xichen for not stepping up to protect the Wen remnants post-Sunshot, but I’m always flummoxed by the accusations because I don’t see criticisms of Jiang Cheng with remotely the same vitriol, even though their political positions are nearly identical:

they are both extraordinarily young sect leaders who came to power before they expected to through incredible violence done to their families

because of this, they are in very weak political positions: they have very little experience to offer as evidence of their competence and right to respect. if they are considered adults, they have only very recently come of age.

Jin Guangshan, who is rapidly and greedily taking the place of the Wen clan in the vacuum of power, is shown to be more than willing to mow people down to get what he wants—and he has the power to do so.

both Yunmeng Jiang and Gusu Lan were crippled by the Wen clan prior to Sunshot. And they just fought a war that lasted two and a half years. they are hugely weakened and in desperate need of time to rebuild, mourn, etc. both Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen are responsible for the well-being of all of these people who are now relying upon them.

I think it’s very obvious that Jiang Cheng is in an impossible situation because he wears his fears and insecurities on his face and people in power (cough Jin Guangshan) prey upon that, while we, as the audience, have a front row seat for that whole tragedy. We understand his choices, even if they hurt us.

Why shouldn’t Lan Xichen be afforded the same consideration?

I really do think that because he’s presented as someone who’s much more composed and confident in his own abilities than Jiang Cheng is, we tend to forget exactly what pressures he was facing at the same time. We just assume, oh yes, of course Lan Xichen has the power to do something! He’s Lan Xichen! The First Jade! Isn’t he supposed to be Perfectly Good? Why isn’t he doing The Right Thing?

I think this is exacerbated by CQL’s decision to make him an established sect leader at the start of the show with several years of experience under his belt. We don’t know his age, but he is assumed to be an Adult. This gives him more power and stability, and so it seems more unacceptable that he does not make moves to protect the Wen remnants, even if in essence, he and Jiang Cheng’s political positions are still quite similar. He doesn’t really have any more power to save the Wen remnants without placing his whole clan in danger of being wiped out again, but CQL implies that he does, even if it isn’t the intention of the change.

It does make me really sad that this change also drives a further thematic divide between Lan Xichen and the rest of his generation. Almost everyone in that generation came of age through a war, which I think informs the way their tragedies play out, and how those tragedies exist in contrast to the juniors’ behavior and futures. Making Lan Xichen an experienced adult aligns him with the generation prior to him, which, as we’re shown consistently, is the generation whose adherence to absolutism and fear ruined the lives of their children. But Lan Xichen is just as much a victim of this as his peers.

(the exception being maybe Nie Mingjue, but it’s complicated. I think Nie Mingjue occupies a very interesting position in the narrative, but like. That’s. For another time! this is. already so far out of hand. oh my god this is point three out of eight oh nO)

(yet another aside because I can’t help myself: can you believe we were robbed of paralleling scenes of Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen’s coronations? the visual drama of that. the poetic cinema. it’s not in the book, but can you IMAGINE. thank u @paledreamsblackmoths for putting this image into my head so that I can suffer forever knowing that I’ll never get it.)

I said I wasn’t going to talk at length about any changes surrounding Wangxian’s explicit romance for obvious reasons, but I will at least lament here that because a large percentage of Lan Xichen’s actions and character beats are directly in relation to Lan Wangji’s love for Wei Wuxian, he loses a lot of both minor and major moments to the censors as well. Many of the instances when he encourages Lan Wangji to talk to Wei Wuxian, when he indulges in their relationship etc. are understandably gone. But the most significant moment that was cut for censorship reasons I think is when he loses his temper with Wei Wuxian at the Guanyin temple and lays into him with all the fury and terror he felt for his brother’s broken heart for the last thirteen years.

Lan Xichen is only shown to express true anger twice in the whole story, both times at the Guanyin temple: first against Wei Wuxian for what he perceives as gross disregard for his little brother’s convictions, and second against Jin Guangyao for his massive betrayal of trust. And you know, murdering his best friend. Among other things.

I’m genuinely so sad that we don’t get to see Lan Xichen tear Wei Wuxian to shreds for what he did to Lan Wangji because I think one of the most important aspects to Lan Xichen’s character is how much he loves, cares for and fears for his little brother. The reveal about Lan Wangji’s punishment in episode 43 is a sad and sober conversation, but it’s not nearly as impactful, especially because Wei Wuxian asks about it of his own volition. I understand that this isn’t CQL’s fault! But. I can still mourn it right? ahahaha. :’)

I’ll stop before I descend further into nothing but Lan Xichen meta because that’s. Dangerous. (I have a lot of Feelings about how there are three characters who are held up as paragons of virtue in MDZS, how they all suffered in spite of their goodness, and how that all ties directly into the whole, “it is not enough to be good, but kindness is never wrong” theme. Anyways, they’re Xiao Xingchen, Jiang Yanli, and Lan Xichen, but NOT NOW. NOT TODAY.)

So yes, I’m a Lan Xichen apologist on main, and yes, I understand my feelings are incredibly personally motivated and influenced by my subjective emotions, but no I do not take concrit on this point, thank you very much.

4. all of the Wen remnants turning themselves in alongside Wen Qing and Wen Ning

Okay, back to plot changes. This change I would be willing to bet money was at least partially due to censorship, but it hurts me so deeply hahaha. It makes literally no sense for any of the characters and it completely janks the timeline of events post Qiongqi Dao 2.0 through Wei Wuxian’s death.

It’s not ALL bad—this change makes it easier for the Peak Wangxian moment at the Bloodbath at Nightless City (You know. Hands. Cliff. etc.) to happen, which I did very much enjoy. It’s pretty on-brand for CQL to sacrifice plot for character beats that they want to emphasize, so like. I get it! This moment is a huge gift! I Understand This. CQL collapses the Bloodbath at Nightless City and the First Siege of the Mass Graves into one event for I think a few reasons. One, Wangxian moment without being explicitly Wangxian, which is excellent. Two, it circumvents the Blood Corpse scene, which I do not think would have made it past censorship.

I’ll get to the Blood Corpse scene in a minute, but despite being able to understand why so much might have been sacrificed for the impact of the cliff scene, I still wish it had been done differently (and I feel like it could have been!), if only for my peace of mind because the plot holes it creates are pretty gaping.

The entire point of Wen Qing and Wen Ning turning themselves in is specifically to save their family members and Wei Wuxian from coming to further harm. That’s explicit, even in the show. Jin Guangshan demands that the Wen brother and sister stand for their crimes and claims that the blood debt will be paid. The Wen remnants understand that Wei Wuxian has given up so much for their sakes, that he has lost his family, his home, his respectability, his health, all in the name of sheltering them. To throw all of that away would be the greatest disrespect to his sacrifices. Wen Qing and Wen Ning decide that if their lives can pay for the safety of their loved ones and ensure that Wei Wuxian’s sacrifices matter, they are willing to go together and give themselves up.

So. Why did they. All go?? For… moral support???? D: Wen Qing says that Wei Wuxian will wake up in three days and that she’s given Fourth Uncle and the others instructions for his care–but then Fourth Uncle and the others all go with them!! To die!! There’s also very clearly a shot of Granny Wen taking A’Yuan with them, which like. Obviously didn’t really happen.

Wen Qing, who loves her family more than anything in the world, agrees that they should all go to Lanling and sacrifice themselves to…. protect Wei Wuxian? Wen Qing, pragmatic queen of my heart, agrees to this absurdly bad exchange?? Leaves Wei Wuxian to wake up, alone, with the knowledge that he had not only killed his brother-in-law but also effectively gotten everyone he had left killed also??

I can’t imagine Wen Qing doing that to Wei Wuxian. Save his life? For what? This takes away everything he has left to live for. You think Wen Qing doesn’t intimately understand how cruel that would be?

(Yes, I’m complaining about all of this, but I’m still about to cry because I rewatched the scene to make sure I didn’t say anything untrue, and g o d it manages to hit hard despite all of that, so who’s the real clown here!!)

Anyways. So that’s all just like. Frustratingly incoherent. It’s one of several wrongs I think CQL committed against Wen Qing’s character, but my feelings about Wen Qing in CQL are pretty complicated (I love her so much, and I love that we got more Wen Qing content, but that content sure is a mixed bag of stuff I really enjoyed and stuff I desperately wish didn’t exist) and I decided I wasn��t going to get into it in this post. (is anyone even still reading god)

This change also muddles Lan Wangji’s choices and punishment in ways that I think diminishes the severity of the situation to the detriment of both his characterization and his family’s characterization. The punishment scene is extremely moving and you should read this post about the language used in it but. sldfjsljslkf.

okay well, several things. In the context of CQL, which really pushes the “righteousness” angle of Wei Wuxian (see point 1), I think this scene makes a lot of sense in isolation: both Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian are painted as martyrs for doing the right thing. “Who’s right and who’s wrong?” The audience is asked to see the punishment as “unjust”. That’s perfectly fine and coherent in the context of CQL, but I don’t think it’s nearly as interesting as what happens in MDZS.

Because CQL collapses both the First Siege and the Bloodbath into one event, Lan Wangji’s crimes are sort of unclearly defined. In episode 43, when Lan Xichen is explaining the situation, we see a flashback to when Su She says something along the lines of, “We could set aside the fact that you defended Wei Ying at Nightless City, but now you won’t even let us search his den?” (of course, this gives us the really excellent “you are not qualified to talk to me” line which. delicious. extremely vindicating and satisfying. petty king lan wangji.) Lan Xichen goes on to say something like, “Wangji alone caused several disturbances at the Mass Graves. Uncle was greatly angered, and [decreed his punishment]”. (Sorry, I’m too lazy to type out the full lines with translations, just. trust me on this one.)

Lan Wangji’s actions are shown to be motivated by a righteous love. Wei Wuxian is portrayed as someone innocent who stood up for the right thing against popular opinion and was scapegoated and destroyed for it, having done no wrong. (See, point 1 again.)

In MDZS, Lan Wangji’s crimes are very specific. It isn’t just that he caused some “disturbances” (this is just Lan XIchen’s vague phrasing in CQL—we don’t really know what he did). He steals Wei Wuxian away from the Bloodbath at Nightless City, after Wei Wuxian killed thousands of people, and hides him away in a cave, feeding him spiritual energy to save his life. When Lan Wangji’s family comes to find him, demand that he hand over Wei Wuxian (who is, remember, a mass murderer at this point! we can argue about how culpable he is for those actions all day—that’s the whole point, but the people are still dead), Lan Wangji not only refuses, but raises his hands against his family. He seriously injures thirty-three Lan elders to protect Wei Wuxian.

I don’t know how to emphasize how serious that crime is? Culturally, this is like. Unthinkable. To raise your hand against members of your own family, your elders who loved and raised you, in defense of an outsider, a man who, by all accounts, is horrifically evil and just murdered thousands of people, including other members of your own family, is like. That’s a serious betrayal. Oh my god. Lan Wangji, what have you done?

Lan Xichen explains in chapter 99:

我去看他的时候对他说，魏公子已铸成大错，你何苦错上加错了。他却说……他无法断言你所作所为对错如何，但无论对错，他愿意与你一起承担所有后果。

When I went to see him, I said, “Wei-gongzi’s great wrongs are already set in stone, why take the pains to add wrongs upon wrongs?” But he said…… he had no way to ascertain the rights and wrongs of your actions, but regardless of right or wrong, he was willing to bear all the consequences with you.

I think this is very different than what’s going on in CQL, though the differences appear subtle on the surface. In CQL, Lan Wangji demands of his uncle, “Dare I ask Uncle, who is righteous and who is wicked, who is wrong and who is right?” but the very act of asking in this way implies that Lan Wangji has an opinion on the matter (though perhaps not a simple one).

Lan Wangji in MDZS specifically says that he doesn’t know how to evaluate the morality of Wei Wuxian’s actions, but that regardless, he is willing to bear the consequences of his choices and his actions. He understands that his actions while sheltering Wei Wuxian are not clearly morally defensible. He did it anyways because he loved Wei Wuxian, because he thought that Wei Wuxian was worth saving, that there was still something good in him, despite the things he had done under mitigating circumstances. Lan Wangji did not save Wei Wuxian because he thought it was the right thing to do. He saved him because he loved him.

He is given thirty-three lashes with the discipline whip, one for each elder he maimed, and this leaves him bedridden for three years. Is this punishment horrifyingly severe? Yes! But is it unjustly given? I think that’s a much harder question to answer in the context of the story.

Personally, I think that question underscores the broader questions of morality contained within MDZS. I think it’s a much more interesting take on Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji as individuals. This asks, what can be pardoned? The righteous martyr angle is uncomplicated because moral certainty is easy. I think the situation in MDZS is far more uncomfortable if you examine its implications. And personally, I think that’s more meaningful!

(Not even going to touch on the whole, 300 strokes with a giant rod, but he has whip scars? And they were also sentenced to 300 strokes as kids for drinking alcohol…? CQL is not. consistent. on that front. ahaha.)

God, every point so far in this meta is just like “here’s one change that has cascading effects upon the rest of the show” dear god, okay, I’m getting to the Blood Corpse scene.

So in MDZS, the Wen remnants (besides Wen Ning and Wen Qing) do not go to Lanling. After the Bloodbath at Nightless City, Lan Wangji returns Wei Wuxian to the Mass Graves. Wei Wuxian lives with the Wen remnants for another three months before the First Siege, where he dies and the rest of the Wens are killed (except A’Yuan).

(Sidenote that I won’t get into: I love the dead spaces of time that MDZS creates. There’s very clear gaps in the narrative that we just never get the details on, most notably: Wei Wuxian’s three months in the Mass Graves post core transfer, and Wei Wuxian’s three months in the Mass Graves post Jiang Yanli’s death. They’re both extremely terrible times, but the audence is asked to imagine it instead of ever learning what really happened, what it was like. There’s something really cool about that narratively, I think.)

The Wen remnants are not cremated along with the rest of the dead. Their bodies are thrown into the blood pool.

At the Second Siege, when Wei Wuxian draws a Yin Summoning Flag on his clothes to turn himself into bait for the corpses in order to allow everyone else to escape to safety while he and Lan Wangji fight them off, there’s a moment when it gets really, truly dangerous—even with the help of the juniors and a few of the adults, they probably would have been killed. But then a wave of blood-soaked corpses come crawling out of the blood pool of their own accord and tear their attackers apart.

At the end of it, the blood corpses, the Wen remnants, gather before Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian and Wen Ning. Wei Wuxian thanks them, they exchange bows, and the blood corpses collapse into dust. Wen Ning scrambles to gather their ashes, but runs out of space in his clothing. Several juniors, seeing this, offer up their bags to him and try to help.

It’s just. This scene is so important to me. Obviously, it couldn’t be included in CQL because of the whole undead thing, but it’s such a shame because I maintain that the Blood Corpse scene is one of the most powerful scenes in the whole goddamn book. It ties together so many things that I care about! It’s the moment when the narrative says, “kindness is not a waste”. Wei Wuxian failed to save them, but that doesn’t mean that his actions were done in vain. What he did matters. The year of life he bought them matters. The time they spent together matters.

This is also the moment when the juniors finally see Wen Ning for who he is—not the terrifying Ghost General, but a gentle man who has just lost his family for a second time. This is the moment when they reach out with kindness to the monster that their parents told them about at night. It matters that the juniors are able to do that! That they see this man suffering and are moved to compassion instead of righteous satisfaction.

(Except Jin Ling, for very understandable reasons, but Jin Ling’s moment comes later.)

It’s also the moment that we’re starkly reminded that many of the adults in attendance were present at the First Siege and directly responsible for the murders of the Wen remnants, including Ouyang Zizhen’s father. We’re reminded that he’s not just a comically annoying man with bad takes—he also participated in the murder of innocent people and then disrespected their corpses. But what retribution should be taken against him and the others? What retribution could be taken that wouldn’t lead to more tragedy?

There’s someone in the crowd in this scene named Fang Mengchen who refuses to be swayed by Wei Wuxian’s actions. “He killed my parents,” he says. “What about them? How can I let that go?”

“What more do you want from me?” Wei Wuxian asks. “I have already died once. You do not have to forgive me, but what more should I do?”

That is the ultimate question, isn’t it? What is the only way out of tragedy? You don’t have to forgive, but you cannot continue to take your retribution. It is not fair, but it’s all you have.

okay. so. those were my four Big Points of Contention with CQL, as I am currently experiencing them.

Honorable mentions go to: Wen Qing’s arc (both excellent and awful in different ways), making 13/16 years of Inquiry canon (I think this is untrue to Lan Wangji’s character, though I can understand why it was done), Mianmian’s departure from the Lanling Jin sect being shortened and having the sexism cut out (there’s something really visceral about the accusations against Mianmian being explicitly about her womanhood that I desperately wish had been retained in the show), cutting the scene where Jin Ling cries in mourning for Jin Guangyao and is scolded for it by Sect Leader Yao (my heart for that scene because it also matters so much)

but now!! onto the fun part, where I talk effusively about how much I love CQL!! this will probably be shorter (*prays*) because a lot of my frustrations with CQL are related to spiraling thematic consequences while the things I love are like. Simpler to pinpoint? If that makes sense? we’ll see.

CQL’s greatest virtues, also according to cyan:

1. this:

[ID: Wei Wuxian, trembling in fear, screaming “shijie!” as Jiang Cheng threatens him with Fairy in episode 34 of The Untamed drama. /end ID]

I understand that this is like, a very minor, specific detail change, but oh my GOD, it is like. Unparalleled. Every time I think about this change, I get so emotional and disappointed that it’s not in the novel, because I think it strengthens this scene tenfold. In the novel, Wei Wuxian calls out for Lan Zhan, which like, I get it. The story at this point is focused on the development of his romantic feelings for Lan Wangji, so the point of the scene is that the first person he thinks of in a moment of extreme fear is Lan Zhan, which surprises him. That’s fine. Like, it’s fine! But I think it doesn’t have nearly the same weight as Wei Wuxian calling for his sister to save him from his brother.

Having Wei Wuxian call out for his sister drives home the loss that the two of them have suffered, and highlights the relationship they all once had. Jiang Yanli is much more relevant to shuangjie’s narrative than Lan Wangji ever was, and this highlights exactly how deeply the fracturing of their familial relationship cuts. Wangxian gets so much time and focus throughout the rest of the novel. I love that this moment in the show is just about the Yunmeng siblings because that relationship is no less important, you know?

Calling out for Jiang Yanli in the show draws a much cleaner line through the dialogue. “You dare bring her up before me?” to “Don’t you remember what you said to Jin Ling?” It unifies the scene and twists the knife. It also gives us more insight into how fiercely Wei Wuxian was once beloved and protected by his siblings. Jiang Cheng promised to chase all the dogs away from Wei Wuxian when they were children. It’s clear that Jiang Yanli did as well.

Once upon a time, Wei Wuxian’s siblings defended him from his fears, and now one of them is dead and the other is using that fear to hurt him where he’s weakest. The reversal is so painfully juxtaposed, and it’s done with just that one flashback of Wei Wuxian as a child leaping into Jiang Yanli’s arms and calling out her name. Extremely good, economical storytelling. The conversation between shuangjie is much more focused on their own stories independent from Lan Wangji, which I very much appreciate. Wangxian, you’re wonderful, but this ain’t about you, and I don’t think it should be.

2. Extended Jiang Yanli content (and by extension, Jin Zixuan and Mianmian content)

Speaking of absolute goddess Jiang Yanli, I really loved what CQL did with her (unlike my more mixed feelings about Wen Qing). Having her in so many more scenes makes her importance to Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian a lot clearer, and we get to experience her as a person rather than an ideal.

On a purely aesthetic level, Jiang Yanli’s styling and character design is so stellar in CQL. The more prevalent design for her is kind of childish in the styling, which I don’t love (I think it’s the donghua influence?). And even I, someone who’s audio drama on main 24/7, personally prefer her CQL voice actor. There’s only a few characters in CQL that I look at and go “ah yes, that’s [character] 100%” and Jiang Yanli is one of them. I was blessed. I would lay down my life for her.

I’m really glad that CQL showed her illness more explicitly and gave her a sword, even if she never uses it! Her weak constitution is only mentioned once in the novel in chapter 69 in like two lines that I blew past initially because I was reading at breakneck speed and was only reminded of when my therapist who I conned into reading mdzs after 8 months of never shutting up oof brought it to my attention like two weeks ago. /o\

We never read about Jiang Yanli carrying a sword in the novel, though we are told that her cultivation is “mediocre”, so we know that she at least does cultivate, even if not very well. Highlighting her poor health in CQL makes her situation more clear, I think, and explains a little more about the way she’s perceived throughout the cultivation world as someone “not worthy of Jin Zixuan”. The novel tells us that Jiang Yanli is not an extraordinary beauty, not very good at cultivation, sort of bland in her expressions, and, very briefly, that she’s in poor health. I really love that description of Jiang Yanli, because it emphasizes that her worth has nothing at all to do with her talents, her health, her cultivation, her physical strength, or her beauty. She is the best person in the whole world, her brothers adore her, and the audience loves and respects her for reasons wholly unrelated to those value judgments. We love her because she is kind, because she is loyal, because she loves so deeply. Tbh, her only imperfection is falling for someone so tragically undeserving of her. (JK, I love you Jin Zixuan, and you do deserve her because you are an excellent boy who grows and changes and learns!! I can’t even be mean to characters as a joke god.)

Anyways, I just think the detail about her health is compelling and informs her character’s position in the world in a very specific way. I’m happy that CQL brought it to the forefront when it was kind of an easily-missed throwaway in the novel. It does mean something to me that Jiang Yanli, despite her poor physical health, is never once seen or treated as a burden by her brothers.

Something partially related that really hit hard was this:

[ID: two gifs. Jiang Yanli peeling lotus pods, looking up uncomfortably as her mother loses her temper about the Wen indoctrination at the table from episode 11 of The Untamed drama. /end ID]

D8 AAAAHHH this was VISCERAL. The novel is quite sparse in a lot of its descriptions and lets the audience fill in the missing details, so Jiang Yanli’s expression and reactions are not described when, after Jiang Cheng quickly volunteers to go to Qishan, Madam Yu accuses her of continuing to “happily peel lotus seeds” in such a dire situation.

“Of course you’ll go,” she snaps to Jiang Cheng. “Or else do you think we should let your sister go?”

This scene triggered me so bad lmfao, so I guess it’s kind of weird that I love it so much, but I felt Seen. Something about the way her nail slips in the second gif as she breaks open the pod is like. Oh, that’s a sense memory! Of me, as a child, witnessing uncomfortable conflict between people I cared about. I know this is an extremely personal bias, but hey, so is this whole meta. Because Jiang Yanli is often silent and quiet, it’s more her behavior and expressions that convey her character. It’s why the moment she lets loose on Jin Zixun is so powerful. We don’t get to see a lot of it in the novel, but because CQL is a visual medium, her character is a lot easier to pin down as a human as opposed to an abstract concept.

Anyways, in this moment, which I also think is a tangential reference to her weak constitution (it doesn’t feel like, “your sister can’t go because she’s a girl”; it feels like, “your sister can’t go because she couldn’t handle it”), we get to see Jiang Yanli’s own reaction to her perceived inadequacy. We see it in other places too—like how upset she is when Jin Zixuan dismisses her in several scenes, but this is the one that hits me the hardest because it’s about how her weakness is going to put her little brother in grave danger.

Last Yunmeng siblings with focus on Jiang Yanli scene that isn’t in the novel that I’m just absolutely wrecked over: the dream sequence in episode 28, when Jiang Yanli dreams about Wei Wuxian sailing away from her, but no matter how she shouts, or how she begs Jiang Cheng to help her, she can’t bring him back home.

I’m not going to gif it because I literally just like, fast-forwarded through it and started sobbing uncontrollably in front of my laptop, dear god.

I don’t know where the CQL writers found the backdoor directly into my brain’s nightmare center, but?? they sure did! IDK, I can see how this might be kind of heavy-handed, but it just. The sensation of being in a dream where something is going terribly wrong, but you’re the only one who seems to see it happening? But there’s nothing you can do? I feel like it’s a very fitting nightmare to give Jiang Yanli, who is acutely aware and constantly reminded of how little power she has in the world: not good enough for the boy she likes, not healthy enough to cultivate well, not strong enough to keep her family together.

The whole, elder siblings trying and failing to protect their younger siblings pattern is A Lot in the story, but there’s something particularly painful about seeing it happen to Jiang Yanli because of that awareness. All the other elder siblings are exceptionally talented or powerful in obvious ways. All Jiang Yanli has is the force of her will and the force of her love, and she knows it isn’t enough.

I care a lot about the Yunmeng siblings, okay! And I think CQL did right by them!

I’m only going to spend two seconds talking about Jin Zixuan and Mianmian, but I DO want to mention them.

Anyways, because we get more Jiang Yanli content, we ALSO get more soft xuanli, which is Very Good. Literally my kingdom for disaster het Jin Zixuan treating my girl right!! CQL said het rights, and I’m not even mad about it! I’m really happy that we get to see a little more of how their relationship plays out, and how hard Jin Zixuan works to change his behavior and apologize to her for his mistakes. The novel is from Wei Wuxian’s POV, so we miss the details, alas. Jin Zixuan covered in mud, planting lotuses? Blessed.

I think part of making Mianmian a larger speaking role is for convenience’s sake, but oh boy do I love that choice. Especially the Jin Zixuan & Mianmian relationship. Like, they’re so clearly platonic, and Mianmian is never once portrayed as a threat to Jiang Yanli. They just care about and respect each other a lot? Jin Zixuan’s distress when she defects from the Jin sect gets me in the heart, because it’s just like. God. I think there’s a lot of interesting potential there for her own thoughts re: Wei Wuxian. After all, she leaves her sect in defense of him, but he later kills a friend that she respects and loves. The moments shared between her and Jin Zixuan are minor, but they hint at a deeper relationship that I’m really glad was in the show.

3. To curb the strong, defend the weak: lantern scene (gusu) + rain scene (qiongqi dao 1.0)

I think I basically already explained why I love this so much in this post (just consider that post and this point to be the same haha), but just. Okay. A short addendum.

As much as I love novel wangxian, I really think that including this scene early on emphasizes why Lan Wangji loves Wei Wuxian so deeply. Of course he thinks Wei Wuxian is attractive, but this is the moment when he realizes, oh, this is who I love. Having that moment to reflect upon throughout Wei Wuxian’s descent is so excellent. I have enumerated all of my issues with the “perfectly righteous Wei Wuxian” arc that CQL crafted, but having this narrative throughline in conjunction with the novel arc would be like. My favored supercanon ahaha. (It would need some tweaking, but I think it would work.) It shows us exactly who it is that Lan Wangji sees and is trying to save, who he thinks is still there, underneath all the carnage and despair and violence and grief. This is the Wei Wuxian Lan Wangji loves and is unwilling to let go. This is the Wei Wuxian that Lan Wangji would kill for, that Lan Wangji would stand beside, that Lan Wangji would live for.

4. Meeting Songxiao

As much as I love the unnameable ache of Wei Wuxian never meeting Xiao Xingchen and learning only about his story through secondhand sources in the novel (and the really cool parallel to that where Xiao Xingchen tells A’Qing the story of Baoshan-sanren’s ill-fated disciples: both Xiao Xingchen and Wei Wuxian learn of each other only through the eyes of others, and that is Very Neat), I think the reversal that this meeting in episode 10 sets up wins out just slightly.

I said once in the tags on one of my posts that “songxiao is the tragic parallel of wangxian” and like. Yeah. Basically! If we take songxiao as romantic, the arc of their relationship happens inversely to wangxian, and that parallel is so much clearer and stronger when we have wangxian meeting songxiao in their youth.

The scene of their meeting really does have that Mood™ of uncertain youth seeing happy and secure adults living out the dreams that they’re afraid to name. Wei Wuxian’s eager little, “oh! just like me and Lan Zhan!! Right, Lan Zhan??” when songxiao talk about cultivating together through shared ideals and not blood is. Well, it’s Something.

When they meet again at Yi City, there’s a greater heaviness to it. So this is what happened to the people you once dreamed of becoming! Wangxian have already come to a point where they have an unspoken understanding of their relationship, but Songxiao have lost everything they once had. When Song Lan looks at wangxian, it’s like looking at a mirror of his past, and everyone in attendance knows it.

To me, that unspoken parallel is really emotionally and thematically valuable. All that good, and here is the tragedy that came of it.

okay, look! I managed to keep it shorter!! here are my honorable mentions: that scene where Jin Guangyao tries to hold Jin Ling and Jin Guangshan refuses to let him (it’s hating Jin Guangshan hours all day every day in this household), the grass butterfly leitmotif for Sizhui (im literally crying right now about it shut up), the Jiang Cheng/Wen Qing sideplot (look I know it’s wild that I actually liked that given that I headcanon JC as aspec, but I actually really like how it played out, specifically because Wen Qing and Wei Wuxian are NOT romantic—it sets up an unexpected and interesting comparison)

um. Anyways. I uh. really care about this story. And have a lot of thoughts, which I’m sure will continue to evolve. Maybe in 8 months I’ll return to this and go well, literally none of this applies anymore, but who knows! It’s how I feel right now. I cried literally three times while writing this because MDZS/CQL reached into my chest and yanked my heart right out of my body, but I had fun! *finger guns*

and like, I know I had a LOT to say about what frustrated me about CQL, but I really really hope it’s clear that I adore the show despite all of that. I talk a lot because I care a lot, and my brain only has one setting.

anon, this was like 1000% more than you bargained for, I’m SURE, (and I’m still exercising some restraint, if you can. believe that.) but I hope that you or someone out there got something out of it! if you made it all the way to the end of this meta, wow!! consider me surprised and grateful!!

time to crawl back into my hovel so I can write Lan Xichen fic and cry

(ko-fi? ;A;)

#the untamed #the untamed meta #mdzs #mdzs meme #mo dao zu shi #mine #mymeta #asks and replies #Anonymous #HOOOOOO BOY GUYS #we are just shy of 10k on this #*buries face in hands*#cyan writes #cyan gets too deep in the weeds #i will be shocked if more than like ten people read this #by the end it was just like well i guess this is just for me now lmfao #anyways. i will now. leave the internet for a while. thanks

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whatiwillsay · 3 years

Text

submission: we need to talk about ttb (spade-riddles)

Hey Cam. Seeing that ask defending TTB’s doxxing has sort of pushed me to finally share some of my story on Tumblr, I guess. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk about this to anyone fully, so this will probably be long, but I hope you don’t mind me venting.

I’m one of the people that got emailed by TTB. I don’t feel comfortable posting this off anon, but I was in a Discord server with you and @bisluthq and some other people back in Dec/Jan. I don’t know if you remember me, but my name on there was one word and began with an L and ended with an S.

I want to share the full story, but I also don’t feel comfortable with sharing certain details publicly because I’m still very wary of getting outed further by her if she sees this, so I’m gonna be vague about some things

Request to her followers — If you see this, please don’t send this to her. Like I’m genuinely asking you not to because I don’t trust her not to cross any more lines. My dad is a major homophobe with serious anger issues who has literally been arrested for violence before, and she doesn’t really think carefully or maybe even care about how any actions she takes could lead to people being harmed, so I’m not eager to see how she might react.

Anyway, I first got an email back in December, and I was really freaked out by it at first. I spoke to one of my mutuals about it, and although we both agreed it was super weird and invasive and creepy, we ended up trying to see the funny side of it. So, I kinda just brushed it off and moved on. I was mainly just really confused about why I had been targeted because at the time, I thought it was only me who’d gotten an email like that. I didn’t understand why she’d specifically targeted me instead of other people who she clearly disliked a lot more.

About a week later, I saw someone on Tumblr mentioning a strange email, and I realised other people must have gotten them too. I spoke to Nat about what happened to me and ended up in the Discord

At the time, I felt like I’d gotten off really easy comparatively to others because I initially didn’t realise that she’d contacted anyone else. And so I tried to act chill about it because I didn’t want to make things about me, but honestly, I was extremely anxious. I felt on edge for over a week. I would keep checking her blog again and again because I was super worried that she would post our personal details publicly. I scrolled through my entire blog from start to finish and deleted a lot of posts that were either personal or that I just didn’t want anyone I knew in real life to read.

This part I have to be vague about because it would basically give away who I am, but it was only a while later when I thought I was in the clear that someone I knew in real life texted me and mentioned seeing a weird email about me. The email had been sent a while back, and they’d been shown it by the original recipient/s. Multiple people had been shown it, but luckily (kinda), only two of those people were actually people I saw on a regular basis

I’m mostly closeted, but I’m kind of technically out to a few of my immediate family members. But it’s very much a DADT situation because they’re not accepting, and they like to just pretend I’m straight. And so I basically have to act closeted even when I’m around them, and I can’t even ALLUDE to being gay.

But with my dad, it’s different. He’s very homophobic. I’m only gonna mention this next part so that people understand what kind of dangerous situation that TTB could have put me in. (And the other people that she doxxed too because she didn’t know how safe their individual situations were). It’s all really personal, and I wouldn’t ordinarily feel comfortable sharing any of this at all, even anonymously, but I think it needs to be said because her actions were extremely fucking irresponsible.

Right, so when I first “came out” to my dad, it was actually an accident, and he reacted… extremely badly. This was back in like… 2018 or 2019, I can’t remember the exact year

(TW // physical abuse, homophobia)

He was extremely angry, literally shaking. He yelled at me, he described in graphic detail how he was going to “break every bone in my body”, “strangle the life out of me”, “drown me”, etc. He kept telling me that I’m disgusting and going to Hell, you get the idea. He was having a lot of fun with making strangling motions and stabbing motions with his hands, and he kept slamming his hand onto the table. That went on for about 15 minutes, and then he stood up and threw a chair from the dining table at me. That was fun lol. And he punched me in the head pretty hard which kinda knocked me back. I felt dizzy, I had to sit down on the floor. At that point, my mum who had been crying and asking him to stop physically intervened, and he ended up storming out of the house instead. My mum’s a genuinely good person btw. She’s a little homophobic, but she cares about me a lot, and I’m very grateful for her. She hates him too, but she’s kinda stuck with him… It wasn’t her fault

He literally hates gay people. He complains about us on the regular. One time, he threw the remote at the TV and cracked the screen just because there was a gay male couple kissing onscreen. Another time, he threw a rock at a gay man on the street. There was also a time where he forced a few of my siblings (who didn’t want to do it) to throw peeled oranges out of the window at people celebrating pride while he drove past them and yelled insults at them. He found that really funny. Anyway, I’m sure you guys get the idea of what kind of person he is

He hasn’t laid a hand on anybody in several months though, so I do think he’s trying to be better at least. Like he’s still verbally abusive and controlling and awful, but I appreciate that he’s at least making an effort to calm down with the hitting and kicking and stuff

Anyway, with my dad, it’s less DADT and more that I think he’s got it in his head that he managed to scare me into “seeing the error of my ways” and that I’ve “stopped choosing to be gay” and that I’m now straight. So, if it had been HIM who had gotten that email, it would’ve been like… extremely bad. Like I’m getting anxious just thinking about it. And this is why I’m so angry at TTB. It was extremely, extremely irresponsible of her to not consider these kinds of possibilities before she sent out her stupid emails. She’s supposed to be an ally, but it didn’t even cross her mind that these emails would lead to people being outed and possibly even harmed?? It’s not okay at all. I’m just very grateful that she didn’t send one to him because I don’t even know what kind of situation I would be in right now.

Anyway, enough about my fucking awful dad… I feel uncomfortable that I even typed all of that out, but I wanted people to understand how dangerous her actions could have been. Like I mean, my dad’s got PTSD and extreme anger issues from his teenage years, so I do try not to judge him TOO harshly, but there’s no excuse for being a huge bigot or occasionally violent. The idea of him being the one who got that email is still so scary to me. Like my heart is racing just thinking about it

One of the people that DID read the email was the male friend I mentioned earlier though. He was shown it by someone else for a particular reason, and he was a very important person to me. Like he was a good guy, we were close, he helped me out with certain personal issues I have and is one of only two people that I know in real life that I felt comfortable confiding in about them. We’d always meet up once a week, sometimes twice, and we’d just talk about stuff and make an effort to help each other out with things. Like he was very important to me.

It turns out that he’d looked through my blog before I’d got around to scrubbing it, and he asked me if I was gay in person the next time we met up. I couldn’t lie because like… he’d have known I was lying right to his face. So, I told him I was, and you should have seen his face. It made me feel so awful about myself. He looked really stunned and shocked and kinda uncomfortable. Like it got so awkward, and I started rambling and making things worse. He was avoiding eye contact, and my voice was shaking.

I ended up making up an excuse to leave about 5 mins later and had an actual anxiety attack. Again, this is embarrassing and something I’d never usually talk about online, but I just want to get it all off my chest so that I can move past it all.

So, I was like on the verge of tears (I don’t cry easily), I couldn’t breathe properly, I was pacing around the building, and I just wanted to escape, so I headed straight for the doors. There was a queue of about 100 people lined up and waiting to leave, and I couldn’t think straight or breathe and just needed to be outside, so I tried to go out through the other exit which is for staff only. The security guard stopped me and basically publicly humiliated me in front of all of those people. He loudly shamed me and said I “didn’t have any decency” for attempted to jump the queue, lectured me in this really condescending tone, and then sent me right to the back of that huge line. Meanwhile, I was literally in the midst of a bad anxiety attack.

And then I eventually got outside and had to call my mum to come and pick me up instead of just making my own way home like I usually do. She’s amazing though tbh because she actually came to get me and didn’t even question why. I had to skip all of my plans for the rest of the day and instead just hid upstairs in my bedroom with the lights off until the next day. I refused to tell any of my family members what had happened even though they kept asking. I just felt so, so awful, and my anxiety was through the roof

To be honest, before that happened, my mindset was like: “I mean, if I get outed, it obviously wouldn’t be good, but I think I’d be able to deal with it fine”. But then, when it actually happened, and I saw the way my close friend reacted, I had like a whole emotional breakdown lol. It’s like, you think you’d be fairly chill in a situation, but when it actually happens, your reaction can be really unpredictable. I was so embarrassed by everything about that entire incident. I didn’t even want to show my face the next day.

It’s been almost two months since that happened, and in that entire time, my friend has contacted me once. We literally used to meet up once or twice a week (and during lockdown, we’d do video calls or phone calls instead), but since then, we’ve barely even spoken. Things are just so awkward now. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like TTB’s taken one of my best friends away from me. I don’t think he’s a homophobe or anything, he has openly gay friends and is fairly accepting, but I think it’s just the way that he found out that has just made things so weird between us now. I feel like if I’d had the chance to come out to him myself in my own way, he wouldn’t have reacted like that. But I’m gonna text him next week and see if we can maybe try to fix our friendship, but I doubt it at this point

The other people who were shown the email, I mostly just avoid. I don’t really care about them knowing that much because I wasn’t close to them, but it’s just really embarrassing knowing that they probably scrolled through my Tumblr blog before I scrubbed it

And about Tumblr… This used to be the only place that I could fully be myself. It was like a “safe space” for me which feels ironic now. But I haven’t been active on my blog since December. I still lurk occasionally, but I just don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I did consider deleting my current blog and starting afresh with a new one, but I don’t think it’d make much of a difference… Like she’s kind of ruined Tumblr for me. I do still enjoy reading people’s blogs every now and then, but I don’t feel relaxed here anymore, I just feel on edge.

It’s mainly the fact that SHE’S still here. She still has a platform, she still has a bunch of followers. It’s been so hard seeing her face next to no consequences whatsoever for the horrible things that she’s done to so many different people. And it upsets me that she hasn’t even acknowledged that what she did was wrong. Plus, it makes me feel even worse that the Hard Kay blogs and some other people are still supporting her and pretending that this whole thing just didn’t happen. Like do they just not care? Or is it that she’s twisted things and made them believe that the situation was different to what it actually was?

And tbh, this whole situation has even set me back in my own sort of personal self-acceptance journey. I had such bad internalised homophobia when I was younger, and it took me so many years to get to a place where I had mostly accepted myself. But now I just feel ashamed again, and I’ve gone back to my old habit of trying to force myself to be attracted to men. Like I downloaded Tinder the other day and set my preference to men and was swiping through profiles. It’s kinda silly actually. I did snap out of it and delete the app the next day though. But I don’t know, I feel like this whole thing has just kinda fucked with me a bit. I am trying to work this stuff out and get back to normal though. I think I’ll be good again in maybe a month or so, hopefully.

And… yeah. I just really resent her, and this situation upsets me. Because the reason she did this was so petty and ridiculous, and I guess she didn’t even realise how much it would impact people? Like I do know that my situation wasn’t as bad as some of the other people’s situations, and I feel really bad for them, and I hope they’re all doing okay. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for them. But it still has impacted me a lot more than I actually thought it would. I thought I’d get over it within a couple of weeks. But it’s been like two months, and I’m still not completely over it

I know it might not sound like a huge thing, but being outed really does affect you, even if it’s only to a few people. Because to me, I feel like I’ve had my sense of like, security and comfort taken away, and it’s kinda distressing. Sorry if I sound dramatic with any of this, I just really needed to say all of this stuff to other people besides myself lol

Like her actions have literally led to me being outed to a few people. A close friendship that I had has basically been ruined. I don’t feel comfortable or secure on Tumblr anymore, even though it used to be an important outlet for me. I’ve had a resurgence of anxiety about my sexuality. Etc.

And again, my dad is extremely homophobic and literally made death threats to me and physically attacked me back when I accidentally came out to him in 2018 or 2019. And if he had gotten that email, I don’t even know what would have happened. I don’t think he would have like… SERIOUSLY physically harmed me, but there would definitely have been a repeat of the first incident. More throwing chairs at me and hitting and screaming and death threats. I don’t really want to think about it.

It just bothers me that she didn’t even consider that? Like did it not even cross her mind? And my dad is bad, but I’m sure there are people in the fandom who have even worse parents, and she could have got one of those people instead. It’s just so… I don’t know, it’s just so frustrating to me.

Anyway, I just hate her for what she did… Like maybe I shouldn’t, but I really do resent her so much, and I don’t think I could forgive her even if she apologised to us all (which I don’t think she even would because she doesn’t seem to have any decency whatsoever). The least she could do is at least express some kind of remorse, but she just genuinely doesn’t care, and that’s super messed up. All over some stupid Tumblr blog that is much less important than she thinks it is.

But anyway… I apologise for the whole rant, and if anybody read all the way down to here, I appreciate it. I do actually feel a bit better now that I’ve got this all typed out. And I’m sorry for the oversharing lol, I usually don’t do this, but I just felt like I really needed to tell people and get it off my chest so that I can try to get over it — L

submisssion⬆️⬆️⬆️

ok L i am trying to remain calm here because this isn’t about me. but i am very emotional right now. i am so so so infinitely sorry that you had to go through this harrowing and terrifying experience. ttb (now blogging under spade-riddles) is absolutely disgusting, lower than dirt, that she would put your life, safety, and well-being at risk over a fucking kaylor blog.

please please please im me or get in touch somehow because i want to offer you support. have you been financially impacted by this? we can raise money. do you need therapy? we can help you find the support you need. this community is unequivocally here for you. whatever you need, if it’s in my power to help you get it, i will. you have my solemn promise on that.

i am so deeply and desperately sorry that you have gone through this. i was shaking while reading your story.

i am in touch with other people and we are in discussion about the best way to let tumblr know what happened. this will be a safe space for you (and all of us) again if it’s the last thing i do. this community is 100% here for you in any way we can help, sending you all the support and love we have.

#submission #tw: abuse #tw: homophobia

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nicknellie · 3 years

Text

Anonymous requested: Alex meets Willie at a coffee shop and they’ve been talking for a few weeks but Alex is afraid to admit anything of liking Willie. But his friends push him to and he finds out that Willie likes him back and they go on a date.

I combined this with a prompt from this amazing list because I thought it was funny. I didn’t include the actual date because I know nothing about skating but if enough people want it then I’d be more than happy to do a part two of this!

I also added Julie, Carrie, and Alex being best friends because we deserve it.

Batman and the Barista

Aside from his co-workers, there was not one single thing about working at Eats ‘n’ Beats that made Alex Mercer’s job there bearable. If the coffee machine wasn’t straight-up not working, it was spurting scalding water at him; the customers were generally speaking entitled and rude; his boss was so laid-back and carefree that it was painful and no problems in the workplace ever got solved; and the hours were ridiculous – for example, some days Alex worked from four a.m. until nine a.m. Who in their right mind wants coffee at four o’clock in the morning?

The only other thing – or rather, the only other person – that might have stood any chance of making Alex’s job worthwhile also made it worse. They would have been perfect if only for the fact that they wouldn’t tell Alex their goddamn name.

He was a regular at Eats ‘n’ Beats and seemed to come into the shop at least once on every one of Alex’s shifts. He was, in Alex’s eyes, utterly perfect – beautiful tawny skin, long dark hair sometimes twined into a bun at the base of his neck, and the most adorable smile Alex could imagine. It was downright unfair how attractive he was, and how funny, kind, and smart he was too.

If only he would tell Alex who he was.

Every single time he came in the shop, the guy ordered the same drink (hot chocolate with cream, marshmallows, sprinkles, the works) and every time Alex would ask for his name. Every single time he had received a different answer.

The first few times he had hardly noticed. The second time the guy came in the coffee shop he had told Alex his name was Horatio – Alex could have sworn his name had been Patrick the week before, but it was possible that he was misremembering, so he hadn’t thought anything of it. But the next time the guy came in his name had been Edmund. After that it had been Marcus, then Jason, then Rudy, Stewart, Bob, Milo. The names had got increasingly weirder; just yesterday Alex had scrawled Megamind on the guy’s to-go cup. Before that it had been Sherlock.

As lovely as the guy was, Alex often found himself complaining to his friends about him and his lack of naming consistency, usually on his too-short breaks.

“He just seems like a really cool guy,” he was saying to his co-workers Carrie and Julie one day as they all sat around a small, cramped table in the staff room. “I’d really like to get to know him but he seems intent on me not knowing him at all!”

Alex could practically hear Carrie rolling her eyes. “We know you’d like to get to know him,” she muttered, “it’s all you ever talk about.”

“That’s not true,” Alex protested. “I talk about other things!”

“Like what?” Carrie asked, raising a perfectly trimmed eyebrow.

“Like the band,” Alex returned.

Julie shook her head. “Only if I bring it up first. And your contribution is usually something along the lines of ‘I wish coffee shop guy would come to one of our gigs, how cool would that be?’”

“That’s not– I– okay.” Alex sighed, then said under his breath, “Although it would be kinda cool if he did come to one of our shows.”

Carrie sighed dramatically. “You are so far gone it’s painful to listen to.”

“Just ask him out,” Julie said, smiling fondly. “I see the way he grins at you when he gives you a ridiculous fake name – his smile is so wide it practically falls off his face!”

“I don’t want to ask him out,” Alex lied. It wasn’t as if a lie like that could work on Julie and Carrie anyway; they both rolled their eyes and crossed their arms, eerily in sync with each other. “I don’t! I just want to get to know him.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?” Julie said.

“No. I wanted to get to know you guys without wanting to date you.”

“That’s because you’re gay,” Carrie said matter-of-factly, “and Julie and I are, correct me if I’m wrong, girls.”

“That’s fair,” Alex conceded. “But I don’t want to ask him out.”

Julie patted his hand. “Sure, Alex.”

A few minutes later, their break ended and the three friends made their way back out front to the shop. It was bustling and busy, and the co-worker Alex took over from on the register looked one customer away from breaking down into a mess of tears.

Alex, Julie, and Carrie (each manning their stations either on the cash register, at the coffee machine, or calling orders) started working, getting drinks and snacks for everyone. In the first five minutes, only one person yelled at Alex for accidentally spelling their name wrong on the cup, which passed as a good five minutes in his book.

Alex wouldn’t deny that he was watching the door, waiting for someone specific to come in. So maybe he was a little distracted, and maybe he did mess up a few orders or names, and maybe he could feel Julie and Carrie fondly glaring at him for being a little bit elsewhere, but it wasn’t really his fault. It was entirely Cute No-Name’s fault and if asked that was exactly who Alex would blame.

Eventually, with only ten minutes to go until closing time when the customers had dwindled down to just one or two every few minutes, the door swung open and the guy finally came in. There was something a little different today, and Alex’s throat went dry when he saw it – Cute No-Name had a skateboard tucked under his arm and removed his helmet as he entered the shop.

There was no queue at this hour, so he sauntered right up to Alex, a wide smile on his face.

“Hey, hotdog,” the guy said. It was a name he’d started using for Alex after seeing that one of the many things he had embroidered on his work apron was a hotdog (right between the rainbow flag and the drumsticks). Alex didn’t like the nickname, but No-Name couldn’t be stopped.

“Hey,” Alex replied, clearing his throat. “Hey, how are you?”

“I’m good,” No-Name replied. “You?”

“Yeah, yeah, great,” Alex said. He was aiming for a casual tone, but judging by Carrie and Julie’s poorly masked snickers he was not doing a very good job. “You want the usual?”

“Yeah, thanks, man,” the guy said. “To-go, please.”

Alex nodded, punching the price into the cash register and giving the guy his total. After he had been paid, Alex picked up a to-go cup and a permanent marker, turning to No-Name again. “So, what’s your name today?”

No-Name considered for a moment, then grinned. Maybe Julie was right, Alex thought – nobody could find this whole thing so funny that they’d smile that wide.

“I’m Batman,” the guy said. The worst part was that he did the voice too.

Alex groaned and shook his head, fighting a smile as he scrawled ‘Batman’ on the cup. “Of course you are. Carrie,” he called over his shoulder, holding the cup out. “This guy’s usual, please.”

Carrie didn’t take the cup. Instead, giggling along with Julie, she said, “Sorry, but who is ‘this guy’?”

“Carrie,” Alex said warningly.

“Who is he, Alex?” Julie asked, face bright with laughter.

“Not you too,” Alex said. Carrie, Julie, and No-Name were all properly laughing now. “I seriously can’t be the only one who doesn’t find this funny.”

“What’s his name, Alex?” Carrie asked between laughs.

Alex scowled at her. “Batman.”

Finally, Carrie took the cup and started making ‘Batman’s’ drink. Alex, shaking his head exasperatedly, turned back to face No-Name.

“Can I ask what your actual name is?” he said while Julie and Carrie were distracted by throwing marshmallows at each other, clearly not listening. “Genuinely. Because you always give a fake or different name and I… I mean, I just want to know who you really are.”

No-Name’s beam faded to a smaller, more delicate, warmer smile. “Sure, hotdog. It’s Willie.”

It was really that easy? All he’d had to do this whole time was ask?

“Really? No joking around this time?” The guy nodded. Alex thought for a moment and then said, “Willie what?”

Willie shrugged and leaned on the counter. He wasn’t that close, but Alex felt as if they were practically nose-to-nose. He wouldn’t have admitted how much that made his heart race.

“It depends,” Willie said. “What’s yours?”

Alex furrowed his brow, confused, but still said, “It’s Mercer.”

The mischievous grin was back. Willie straightened up and said, “Well, in that case, hopefully one day it’ll be Willie Mercer.”

Alex felt his jaw drop, heard Julie gasp, and heard Carrie not-so-quietly utter a swear.

Willie was the only one who seemed unaffected. He beamed over at Carrie, saying, “Is my drink nearly ready? I’ve got a skatepark to get to.”

With shaking hands, Carrie passed Willie his drink, and after they’d all said their goodbyes she slapped Alex’s arm. Repeatedly. Hard.

“He likes you,” she hissed. She almost sounded angry, but Alex knew that she was simply passionate about something potentially going right in his love life for once. “He totally likes you!”

“You think so?” Alex asked sceptically. “Because he could have just been joking–”

Julie scoffed. “That guy’s idea of a joke is giving a fake name at a coffee shop, not the implication of marriage.”

Alex couldn’t help it. He let himself smile and felt himself blush.

“So,” Julie continued, “will you ask him out now?”

Alex looked at the floor, still smiling sheepishly. “I’ll think about it,” he mumbled through his smile.

In the end, it didn’t really take much thinking about. Willie came in again the next day, even though it was one of Alex’s four-til-nine shifts. At six a.m. on the dot, Willie pushed the door open, the only customer in the shop.

“Hey, hotdog,” he greeted as usual, coming over and leaning against the counter.

“Hey, Willie,” Alex returned, smiling. He couldn’t believe he had a real name to use for this guy now; it made his heart beat in a way that was far too over the top for the situation. Without asking what Willie wanted or for a name to put on his cup, he set about making the drink. “You went skating yesterday, right? How was it?”

Willie grinned, fiddling with a ribbon on a charity collection tub. “It was fun. I mastered a trick I’ve been trying to learn for months. Have you ever skated?”

“Yep,” Alex said, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Loads of times.”

Willie laughed. Alex adored the sound, and the way Willie’s eyes crinkled with his smile as he giggled. He felt his heart beat even faster. “So that’s a no. Maybe I could teach you sometime.”

“I’m not sure you really want to do that,” Alex said, handing over the drink, the name ‘Willie’ written on the side of the cup. “I don’t think I’m exactly badass skater material.”

“Still,” Willie said with a shrug. “It’d be fun. And we could make it a date. If you want.”

Yet again, Alex felt his jaw drop. “Wait, really? You want to… okay. You want to go on a date with me?”

Willie said nothing, just smiled brightly.

“I… I mean, yeah,” Alex continued, feeling very flustered, overwhelmed by the butterflies in his stomach. They were happy butterflies though – unnaturally happy. “Yeah, I also want to go on a date. With you. Thank you. People probably don’t say ‘thank you’ when they’re asked on a date, do they? That was probably weird, I’m sorry–”

Willie laughed and Alex stopped talking. He wouldn’t have been surprised if the whole world stopped, if the Earth ceased its spinning every time Willie made that sound.

“It’s a date,” Willie said, grinning. “Are you free today?”

Alex choked to find his voice and said, “Yeah, I finish at nine.”

“Cool, bro, I’ll be here to pick you up then. Sound good?”

“Sounds great,” he returned. Once again, he wasn’t quite sure he hit his target of ‘coolly disinterested’ and instead landed at ‘so disinterested that it was obvious that he was interested’. “I’ll see you then.”

“Catch you later, hotdog,” Willie said, saluting as he left the coffee shop, the bell on the door ringing behind him.

Alex couldn’t help but do an excited little jump and something that might have passed for a happy dance, but there was nobody there to see him so it didn’t matter. He couldn’t wait to tell Julie and Carrie about this.

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jjackrabbitt · 2 years

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U never fail to deliver and make me laugh with ur posts!! Thank u for all the hcs abt their love lives 😭🙏🏻 I’ve been in a vv gay (specifically lesbian), evil (but in a fun way) mood too so can u share more details on alma/Isabel and Jack/Percy 👀👀👀👀 I love how u write them 😭 I also don’t mind a sprinkling of sharon/myron (I too project onto myron like a clown 💔)

My dearest Anon! You have returned! I’m gonna make this three posts because it’s about to get long, so I’m doing jacival first and then perekoo.

Just a heads up, the darling of the mphfpc fandom, the phantasmagoric @finn-nito came up with a lot of the jacival hc’s. Alright alright alright, let’s seeeeeeeeee >:)

Jacival:

I don’t know if you are partial to my damned au, but Finn and I made a backstory for Percy, since he didn’t have one in the book. Also, I would like to preface this by saying that Percy is absolved of none of his actions. He chose all of them and he actively enjoys harming people. Just so we’re clear here, this is not some UwU sweet bean kinda shit.

Percy’s a shapeshifter, he can change who he looks like, as long as they’re humanoid and he’s not growing like,,eight extra arms.

Percy’s also trans, because we’re overly fond of him here.

So Percy is born into a big family in a small town and his peculiarity develops early. He hides it. That’s what he does. He tells no one. But he’s not horrified. He doesn’t think it’s a bad thing, he’s only curious.

His family’s farmers, so when he’s out in a field alone, he practices.

He turns into his siblings, his parents, his cousins. He steals a small mirror from his mum and watches his face change, watch the changes grow steadier, feel it become easier to hold faces for longer. His mum looks for that mirror for weeks.

His favourite person to change into is his older brother. He feels confident and more comfortable looking like him. The face and body he was born with feels too soft and confusing.

Several times, he steals his brothers clothes so he can walk around and do his own chores in his brothers face.

Percy makes his own face, it’s a combination of his own and his brothers.

Not sure how yet (if you get any ideas, feel free to share), but Miss Blackbird finds him. He’s 15.

Once he gets to Miss Blackbirds house, he starts wearing his own face all the time.

Percy can’t hold faces forever, but because the face he made for himself is how he actually sees himself and he identifies with it, that becomes his actual face.

Percy doesn’t really get close with the other kids, he’s too anxious and it makes him angry that he’s scared of them so he doesn’t end up making friends at Miss Blackbirds’

When he’s more anxious and tired and upset than usual, Percy gets grumpy and tends to lash out. Not normally physically (at least, not at Miss Blackbird’s), but he gets loud

He does like Miss Blackbird though, she took notice of him and helped him set up the department of obfuscation and told him to watch his manners when he got mean with her.

Later, when he was organising the loop raids, he always found a way to avoid going into her loop. If someone came out of her loop though, they were out of her protection and would get grabbed up.

Percy met Horatio when he was working at the department of obfuscation. He was almost 21 when Horatio’s scrawny ass swaggered into the department, looking for a disguise for a job he was working.

Horatio was part of an American group of freelance spies that had made their own organisation so they could get better jobs. Horatio’s barely older than Percy, and thinks himself to be real hot shit.

While Percy helped Horatio find what he was looking for, Horatio talked his ear off. Strange thing is, no matter how many short answers Percy gave him, Horatio seemed happy to talk to him. Stranger still, Percy got comfortable talking to Horatio.

At the end of Horatio’s visit, he writes down how Percy can contact him, and tells Percy he would make a good spy.

Percy starts helping out the spies with their disguises a lot and eventually does join them

Percy and Horatio become really good friends, they work together a lot and hang out outside their spy work too

Horatio likes the department of obfuscation. He shows up randomly just to hang around and talk to people. He likes to sit on the front desk and chat with the assistants and customers and go through the books they have. Some times Percy tells him to get off his ass and do something useful (affectionately). Sometimes Horatio is flippant about his request, but sometimes he obliges.

Finn and I have decided that some of the assistants at the department got little crushes on Horatio because he’s all mysterious and cool. They try to get him to open up beyond the Casual Friendliness but Percy notices too soon and tells them to lay off. Horatio thought it was funny but wasn’t interested and wasn’t looking forward to them getting too comfortable.

I’m telling you all this because I need you to know how much things changed.

Jack was just supposed to be one of their jobs. The spy agency got wind of it from the ymbrynnes who heard from one of their junior ymbrynnes, Alma, who got a letter from the brother that she kept in contact with that some new political sect was going to be nearby the department and the council wanted Percival and Horatio to check it out. See what all was happening and perhaps feel out some weaknesses?

They go to the rally.

Both of them are so. incredibly. annoyed. At the whole thing. They both know the ymbrynnes have their issues, but do anything overall good job. And they were both raised by ymbrynnes. It’s just ridiculous!

Well, apparently that’s not the end of the job.

Because SOMEONE. At the rally. Knew who Percy was. Knew where he worked. So when the little man up on the stage asked around if anyone knew who Percy was. He got his answer.

Much to Percy’s great annoyance.

Jack showed up at the department of obfuscation.

He does not know Percy is spying on him or knows who he is beyond that one rally.

The second Jack opens the door Horatio shouts that he’s getting coffee, launches off the desk, and leaves. he Does Not want to deal with the slimeball.

Percy is left to deal with Jack and makes a list of reasons why Horatio is a terrible friend for leaving him with Jack so he can shout them all at Horatio later.

Jack thinks that the department is a store and tries to buy something, which almost offends Percy.

Jack spends the entire time trying so so so hard to flirt with Percy but it’s like he’s flirting with a brick wall, both because Percy’s built like one and because he’s solidly Not Interested

Jack is, and I cannot stress this enough, drooling. Acting a complete fool. Trying so incredibly hard to get any little bit of attention from Percy and it is just not happening and that only makes him more interested. He’s used to people liking him! They’re supposed to! Why does this one not like him?

Does not improve the situation for Jack that Percival is hot. I’m not just speaking for Jack here, I mean it. Were he not an evil bastard, I would lick him.

This continues for about,,three weeks? A little more maybe? In any case, Percy starts to find Jack tolerable. He’s not bad, just has some dumbshit opinions. He compliments Percy a lot, which Percy starts to enjoy.

Horatio stays Not Liking him. He doesn’t trust him and refuses to engage. Both because he’s spying on Jack and he can’t find it in himself to pretend. He complains to Percy every chance he gets.

Percy, once, says something like “he’s not all that bad” and Horatio starts laughing because OH YES HE IS HE’S INTOLERABLE!!

Unfortunately for Horatio, they decide that their next course of action is actually joining the claywings. Which means they’ll be seeing even more of Jack.

This is supposed to be a completely professional move, one that does not reflect their actual opinions. They just need to get close.

After they join, Percy starts actually hanging around with Jack. He says it’s just for the job, and Horatio trusts him.

It is for their job, at first. Jack is still mildly annoying, and Percy still doesn’t agree with him. But he’s starting to see the merit in Jack’s ideas. Where Jack is coming from with his antiymbrynne agenda.

I'm actually going to end this here for now, it's long enough, but i will start a part two and then do the Perekoo headcanons! sorry this took so long, love ya <3

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heart-forge · 3 years

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I know you do Not want dozens of messages about the dreaded game but as someone with too many hours in it... I agree with all your initial points (let me specifically say the voice determining pronouns/gender selection is the BANE of my existence) And I know everyone has a hard on for the w_tcher nowadays (I played all 3 too I’m licensed to say this) but the writers still have a penchant for brutalizing women and being as misogynistic as ever, nothing new obviously. There’s one big questline in this game that left me feeling hollow for more than a week and shit in media Never bothers me. It was so excessive and poorly handled. A lot of sloppy writing all around. For bringing this crud into your inbox I offer you my most sincere apologies. You can send me ugly telepathic thoughts in retaliation

Nah it's fine I'll tag it as something and promise that if you don't want to see me dissect a video game then you don't have to. TAG TO BLOCK IS: hfcb. extremely specific so it won't hit anything else, stands for heartforge cyberpunk. also I'll go ahead and shove it under the cut.

And again, for people who are worried I'm just sitting around to dunk on this game, my impression is still: I understand why people would enjoy this, but I'm getting the impression that fan content will forever and ever be more nuanced and genre-savvy in a real way than the original material will ever be.

Okay, full stop, didn't like the witcher that much either. like at the time I found geralt to be very novel in the sense that I always had the impression he was very typical macho hero, which was proven wrong in some ways: enough ways for me to like the story, but the game was kind of....well, agonizingly granular as I'm coming to understand is CDPR's speciality.

I think I made this point on my main but cdpr has been taking prewritten things and adapting them: and believe you me as someone who recently adapted a novel into an IF, it's still a lot of writing, but also take my word for the fact that you have the opportunity to fix a lot of stuff. If something rubs you wrong or if you want to push it further or reel it back you absolutely can, and I agree with your point that CDPR didn't bother with the witcher let alone cb. They could have easily just quietly nixed the "all sorceresses are sexpots because they choose to be because when given a choice all little girls want to grow up to be sexpots, and they all happen to have precisely the same idea of what constitutes a hottie with a body because women are all the same", but they didn't.

The good things about the witcher imo were already kinda there. They didn't invent Ciri or Yenn or Jaskier (frankly imo the show invented Jaskier but that's a different story). CDPr just added things like female characters constantly having their nipples out, an agonizingly in-depth level up screen, a crafting section that was so much work I just never bothered with it.

And I think that's what I'm hitting up against with cb. All the interesting things about cyberpunk as a genre are already there and it's very fun to experience them! I love body mods, I love scanning with your eyes, I love the whole cyber rebel against the world thing, and they did integrate that...but like, I hate how every conversation takes for fucking ever because while I'd normally love to sit and chat, my V can never say anything because I don't think cdpr knew what to do with a blank slate mc. The heist portion with Jackie was one of the best parts of the game so far, because 1) things happened faster, and 2) V got to be angry and scared instead of just kind of cynical and indifferent. There was real momentum and tension: same reason I loved meeting Johnny for the first time in the apt.

Also what was up with them making Kerry gay? Everyone on the TL was going on about bi kerry and I was like fellas aren't we usually very firmly against making gay men bi but then I looked into it and he was bi in the original game. why is he gay now. he's gay because they have two straight ROs and needed two gay ROs because again their understanding of gender and sexuality is about as nuanced as the main page of reddit (which is also a really apt metaphor for a certain aftertaste I'm getting from some of this writing: very you epic le win the internet, sir!).

#talkForge #hfcb

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baku-writes · 3 years

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Coming out as Lesbian to MHA characters

Decided to do a short headcanon or drabble as coming out as lesbian to different MHA characters. Fun fact about me, I am actually a lesbian but there isn't much good lesbian MHA smut or fluff so I mainly stick with str8 stuff (it's alright but I will only ever date women). I guess the only male I ever had an attraction to is Bakugo, but I only find women attractive irl so I ain't bisexual. It's a mess.

But anyways!

TW: homophobia, lesbophobia, 'correction', mentions of fault beliefs like 'gays are pedophiles/molesters'

Coming out as lesbian to: mirko, Momo, Uraraka, Tyu, Iida, Kirishima and Bakugo.

MIRKO

Okay so Mirko gives off lesbian vibes ngl

Maybe bisexual, but to me she just screams of LESBIAN (don't @ me)

Anyways, it's pretty common knowledge to you all that Mirko is a lesbian

She is out of the closet and ain't afraid to fight on behalf of anyone in the LGBTQ+ community, you are all fucking amazing.

So one day you were super anxious whilst in the local cafe with Mirko and she kinda sensed it. She just recognised the constant fidgeting, not talking, avoiding eye contact and overall anxious vibes you were giving off

So she asked if you wanted to talk about anything

And you kind of just blurted out "I'm a lesbian"

She was kinda like 🧍🏽‍♀️ at first. Just a bit taken back by what you just said because it was so out of the blue (?) But she has had her suspicions

And then she just gave you the brightest smile she could muster and say "I fucking knew it. My gaydar was tingling"

Does a funny thing with her ears, like a satellite moving kinda thing

She overall just makes you feel super comfortable

If you ever get anxious about homophobia or judgement towards you she is there to back your ass up and make sure no one hurts you

(She might even have a lil crush on you)

MOMO

Okay this queen gives off bisexual vibes ngl

Like her relationship with Todoroki and her relationship with Jirou just kinda screams bisexual vibes (again don't @ me)

You two were kinda just chilling in her room

Studying and shit like that

You were usually okay at this type of work however the realisation of you being a lesbian was eating away at you

You were worried about judgement, homophobia and also people who just fetishise lesbians (mineta kinda screams of those vibes)

You didn't want to be known mainly for your sexuality either. You wanted to be known for what you can do, not your sexual orientation

But you felt as if you wanted to talk about it to at least 1 person

So you asked momo if you could tell her something. She obviously said yes and noticed your anxiety peak (she offered and made you some tea)

And you said "I think I'm a lesbian..."

At first she thought about it for a moment and you were fearful incase she was judging you

But then she stared at you with eyes that just screamed of "I'm so fucking proud of you"

She gave you a big hug, advice, support and helped comfort you with any issues

She even let you sleep over and just made you comfortable with who you are.

Uraraka

You two were actually cooking some food for everyone in 1A to eat

She kinda sensed something was up as you did a complete 180°

Your mood was low, you were anxious, struggling in class, no jokes, no laughter, you were sensitive and struggling to cope with training

So she was actually the one to ask

"Hey Y/N. Are you okay? You've been really down lately."

And it just pours out of you

Your happy that everyone else was too busy playing games (or holding bakugo down as kaminari may or may not of drawn on him whilst he was asleep)

She immediately hugs you and rubs your back

She gives you emotional support and tells you how strong you are for telling het this

She praises you for being so strong for speaking out and talking to her, and how she will always help it if you need help.

Gives you some mochi she bought (strawberry mochi)

And will be there if you ever need support

Tsuyu Asui

Tell me this girl isn't a lesbian, go ahead. I'll wait

LMFAO but in all seriousness she just genuinely screams of lesbian vibes to me

She has never really come out to the class.... they just kinda know and respect it (except mineta)

One day you build the courage to tell her whilst at rescue training

She was working with you to 'rescue' a dummy from a falling building

Once you two are alone and not in much of a hurry (it isn't a timed rescue) you kinda just turn to her and say "hey I'm a lesbian"

She legit just turns around and says "me too"

Nothing much really happens

But at the end of training she does come up to you and say that she is there if you ever need to talk

After a while of you two hanging out you guys kinda just hit it off with dating and once the rest if the class finds out they are kinda shocked, but also collectively proud of you two

Iida

You and Iida are already really close friends. Like you two hang out quite a bit and just feel close and comfortable with each other

You were one day scrolling through LGBTQ stuff on whatever app you want

And you read the comments.... let's just say they were extremely lesbophobic and fetishising

Many people saying they just need a man of to be corrected (all things I have actually been told irl... its disgusting)

And your anxiety just goes 📈

But you're also mad. Like why is your love something others hate? It doesn't harm anyone and why are they so affected by YOIr life? So in class after the morning of you seeing all that hateful stuff, you look pretty upset

At the end of class you are one of the last ones to leave but little do you know Iida is waiting for you outside

Legit goes into a speech about how he is the class rep so therefore it is apart of his duty to help you with whatever you are going through

He also speaks about how you can talk to him at any time as you two are close friends

So you tell him about EVERYTHING. All of the worries you face about being LGBTQ, all the hate that LGBTQ get, the fetishisation of lesbians and bow you don't want to be known as 'the lesbian hero'.

He stands there for a second trying to think of what to say to you

And you begin to walk away because you think his silence is him judging you

But he grabs you by the arm and pulls you into a hug

He promises that he will always be there to help you and swears down as class rep that he will do anything he possibly can to make you comfortable

(With your permission ofcourse) he begins to actually add more LGBTQ things to the dorms and even buys a rainbow pin that he pins to his school blazer.

Also lectures mineta A LOT about respecting women and LGBTQ people (specifically lesbians)

Kirishima

Okay so don't kill me, but in this headcanon kiri is gay (yes, kiribaku fight me, I take no L's)

But even though he was gay (and open to you about it) you were still exceptionally nervous about his opinion.

What if he thought you were disgusting due to being lesbian? What if it makes him uncomfortable? And you were still worried about homophobia.

You two were actually at the gym taking a breather when you finally built up the courage to tell him

He was one of your closest friends and the thought of not telling anyone you were a lesbian ate away at you.

Whilst hes taking a drink you turn to him and say

"You know how you're gay? I think I'm gay too....." it came put just above a whisper

At first he was confused.... like? You're a female

And then it clicked

He immediately started smiling, acting dopey and shit

Kept saying "I'm so proud of you" "happy you're out of the closet" and "we are the gae family"

But once you explained your fears to him he immediately took on the role of helping you out

He used his manliness to prove to you that he will help you out no matter what

Fron then on you knew he wouldn't let anyone hurt you.

Bakugou

Like I said fir kirishima, bakugo is gay in this headcanon

(Kiribaku ya know)

You two were sat in the common area alone bc everyone else was playing twister in kaminari's room, but you two..... were not prepared for that

Bakugo was watching some random show on the TV about pro heroes and the hardest villains ever beaten in battle whilst you were scrolling on your phone

Casually you were looking at LGBTQ stuff and just scrolling through the hashtag on instagram

Until a scrolling slideshow of a 'list' come up about why 'being gay was wrong '

Immediately you saw fucking RED

Everything they were spewing was bs like "gays are pedophiles", "they molest children" and "lesbians need to be corrected"

And so you broke put into a rant

Yelling about the morons of the world who genuinely believe this bs and you would not stop ranting....

Bakugo was sat there like 👀👀👀

He was honestly surprised to see you so pissed 'what a great ally' the thought

And then one line slipped from your mouth

"My sexuality isn't made for peoples fucking porn"

You stopped... bakugo stared.... silence

"You a lesbian?" His voice was as gruff as ever so you took that as a negative sign

"Yeah... what about it?"

"Nothing, it's fine. And congrats about fucking time you realised"

Then he went back to watching TV

After seeing you get upset and angry about homophobia he kept his eye out for you, threatening any pricks that would do shit to you

He would nearly beat minetas ass if he got close to you (mineta didn't even realise you were a lesbian lmaoo)

Whenever you're anxious he has made it known that he is there if you ever need to talk.

OOP, second one done WEHEY WEHEY!!! I hope you enjoyed. Many of my issues with my sexuality were actually projected into these headcanons. Let's just say being gay isn't fun especially when you can't come out ✌🏻

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thechangeling · 3 years

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Ok here's something I feel like a lot of people don't get because our society loves to just dump people into specific boxes and assign specific traits onto everyone in that box and call it a day. That's kinda how stereotyping works. Like for example the iced coffee gay thing, or the all non binary people like frogs thing. It may not be negative and it may have started as an in joke, but then it sorta morphed into a requirement??? And that's really crappy.

What makes me think of this is the stereotypes surrounding autistic people mainly the ideas that we are all stubborn, loyal, highly moral with a strong sense of justice and another one I saw was highly compassionate and forgiving which straight up made me laugh.

Like sure there are some autistic people who possess some of these traits obviously. I myself happen to be very stubborn and loyal, but compassionate and forgiving are not words that I would use to describe myself or most of the autistic people I know. Compassionate maybe, but not forgiving.

See I used to actually say that autistic people held grudges a lot, because I do and so do a lot of the people I'm close to. But that is equally as unfair as saying that we're compassionate and forgiving because we are not a monolith.

I feel like people have a tendency to over generalize a lot, and attribute personality traits to neurodivergency. Like when I think about it, am I really stubborn because I'm autistic or because I was raised by a badass angry socialist who taught me to never take any shit?

I think maybe due to the all or nothingness of some autistic people, we have a tendency to ramp some of our personality traits up to eleven. But that doesn't mean that autism created them you know? Also people need to remember that correlation does not equal causation. Just like having a large number of autistics who are trans doesn't mean that autism makes you trans, having a large number of autistics who are stubborn or loyal or highly moral doesn't mean that being autistic made you that way.

In the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter what caused what, or why you are the way you are. Just remember that your experiences are not universal.

Tldr: Just because you experience something as an autistic person doesn't mean that it's an autistic trait. Your experiences are not universal. Yes this is even a lesson I have to learn. Autistic people are not a monolith and everyone needs to stop over generalizing just because it's comfy.

#actuallyautistic #i swear if i see one more comment about caffeine and how it 'doesn't work on us'#im gonna drown you in espresso #wow that wasn't very compassionate of me was it?/s

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lumpy-veev · 3 years

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Your Ship In 5 Minutes ー Part 2!

The Box Charts!

Continuation of this! I might accidentally repeat somethings, so bear with me y’all.

(Everything below the cut!)

How it Happens: It’s a slow burn, that’s for sure.

The two of them started talking pretty early on, when Byron and Edgar were first introduced to the roster. This would be about when Frank and Mortis had just talked things out. Edgar and Emz became friends (after a rocky start), which gave Byron and Mortis an excuse to interact more.

Mortis fell first, but he didn’t act on it immediately because he didn’t know if he was actually in love or just wanted to get into a relationship for the sake of familiarity. So he just spent more time with him until a friendly acquaintanceship became genuine friendship. From there Mortis realized that oh shit! This was the real deal!

Byron, on the other hand, very much did not know why his stomach twisted every time he made Mortis laugh, or why he enjoyed their conversations over drinks so much, or why his face kept heating up when he watched the way Mortis moved during a Brawl. He’s confided in his friends (Edgar and Colette, Belle, Piper and Barley), and all of them said the same thing.

“You’re in love, you idiot.”

Byron vehemently denied it at first, and even when he finally accepted that maybe he was in love, he never planned to do anything about it. Internalized homophobia’s a bitch, and he was convinced that Mortis would never reciprocate.

Which was why he was completely blindsided when Mortis confessed.

(He didn't even accept the confession immediately. He told him that he needed to think about it, and then proceeded to lie awake in bed all night reconciling with the fact that he is thoroughly gay, and really wants a bat boyfriend.)

Showing affection: You’d expect Byron to be the words guy, but he’s never really... been held before? Or held someone before? Or ever actually been able to give/receive physical affection other than a friendly shoulder pat in a while. Words just seem to fail him whenever he tries to tell Mortis he loves him, so instead more often than not he’ll go for a hug from behind and a kiss on the cheek. He still gets giddy when he realizes that this is something that he’s allowed to just do. Byron’s also one for gift giving! Catch him giving jewelry that incorporates vials of poison to Mortis.

Mortis has no qualms with telling Byron how much he loves him, and sometimes throws love at him out of the blue just to watch him fluster. If Byron isn’t doing anything dangerous (ie. mixing chemicals), he’ll act like a spoiled cat and bother him with/for affection. Whenever there’s a brawl that Byron’s in, he’ll be standing in the sidelines yelling “YOU’RE BRILLIANT!” at the top of his lungs. He’s the only one who can get him to flush red with something other than anger.

Handling Conflict: Neither of them are ones to start arguments. If there’s something wrong, they can usually talk things out and explain how they think. But sometimes, shit goes sideways, tempers flare, and an argument happens. If a shouting match occurs, they’ll take some time to cool off, vent to a willing ear, and then eventually make up.

Byron handles the aftermath of a conflict by trying to compartmentalize his feelings. He’ll try to act like everything’s fine, and that he feels fine, and it didn’t bother him all that much when in reality, depending on what the argument was about, it very much did bother him. If he thinks he’s in the wrong, he’ll swallow his pride and apologize, but otherwise, he’s a mask of smiles.

Mortis is a bit more hot-headed, but he never wants post-argument tension to last. If Byron doesn’t do it first, he’ll apologize no matter whether or not he was in the wrong. He’ll apologize for what he thinks he might’ve done wrong, and then try to explain why he blew up.

It’s not too hard for them to forgive each other. Staying angry is tiring, and no one wants to stay mad at their s/o.

Dealing with jealousy: These two dramatic, victorian-vibed gentleman get jealous surprisingly easily, but it’s hidden by the fact that there are few chances for that jealousy to show.

They'd act kinda similarly if someone triggered their jealousy, which is they'd walk over, insert themselves into the situation with a little "who's this insolent little fool you're talking to?" and make it so it's pretty obvious they aren't just friendly acquaintances.

Byron would walk up, loop an arm around Mortis's waist, and rest a hand right above his hip. It's always paired with a stony stare that he'll level at the offending person until they go away. Lets 'em know pretty quick that Mortis is most definitely off limits.

Mortis would be a bit more bold, shutting things down quick with a kiss on the cheek and malice, thinly veiled by a smile, directed at the offending person. He'll link an arm with Byron, and interject with his own sweet talk whenever the offending person is tries to flirt with him. The offending person, if they're smart, usually realizes they don't have a chance immediately.

Relationship attitude: Both of them would be dedicated lovers. That doesn't mean they shower each other with love everyday, all the time, cuz that's not dedication, that's the beginning of any relationship. But they do have specific days where they do sweet romantic gestures for each other, and they rarely part ways without a kiss and a quick "Love you!"

Byron's never been used to affection, and while that gets better as time goes on, the most PDA thing you'll catch him doing is light kisses, light flirts, and hugs from behind. He also doesn't like acting all lovey-dovey in public because he's got an *image* to uphold. Byron will be more open with people he trusts though!

If Mortis wants to kiss his boyfriend, he's gonna kiss his boyfriend! He'll obviously respect Byron's boundaries, but he runs on the belief that "If I'm not embarrassed, then the embarrassed one is you," the you in question being any onlookers.

Attachment: Since both of them are people who fight to the ‘death’ for a living, neither of them really feel overprotective of the other. They’ll watch each others’ backs, but they trust that they’re both completely capable of protecting themselves. Mortis does have feelings around protecting Byron though (see the first post).

As for independence, not exactly sure what to put here? They’re both pretty independent, it’s not a very healthy relationship if either of them needed each other. They’ll spend a lot of time together, but that’s cuz they want each other.

I put Mortis’s dot a little bit more to the left because sometimes he has to fish Byron out of caffeine-induced multiple-nighters after he had a chemistry idea and forgot that he needs to take care of himself. But I guess that’s not wanting to be separated and more worrying about your part-time mad scientist boyfriend.

#brawl stars #brawl stars byron #brawl stars mortis #byortis #god i have too many thoughts #but as my friend puts it #two slightly shitty old men falling in love and learning to be better is just #such good #lumpywrites

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searching-in-silence · 3 years

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Our story and thoughts about Jikook

Hi! I first of all love your channel!

I like to tell you my story and thoughts about Jikook. Sorry in advance if it’s too long! :-D

So since august 2020 I became an ARMY, I never heard of BTS nor K-pop before, I just saw the MV Dynamite and I loved it so much. What stood out for me was the dynamic of the boys. But what I also noticed in the MV saw something weird (to me), it was the look Jimin gave JJK before he jumped on his back, I was quite intrigued by this. Anyways I didn’t think of it much further and started looking at more MV’s of BTS and soon I only listened to BTS and watched their MV’s, interviews, old clips of them, RUN BTS,… every day,hours in a row. Jimin and JJK stood out for me but I didn’t think of them as possible boyfriends yet, I just thought Jimin was obviously gay and a cute flirty guy. I was not at all familiar with the term Shipping because it’s not something we do in our country with boysbands or actors, it doesn’t exist here. So me and my sister (she is 17, I’m 33 LOL) became ARMY at the same time in 2020. My sister was way more active on Insta, Twitter,… So it didn’t take long for her to discover shipping, soon she was a Taekook shipper, she said she shipped them because she loves these 2 guys most and because of their looks and their bond. I didn’t understand much of what she meant by this or why she would ‘ship’ them at all (like what is that and why?). Anyways Later on, around September/ October 2020 I noticed more signs of Jikook being something different: like 'arriving late at an interview, 'Jimin saying he was with JK at 4 am while minutes before JK told a different story, some RUN BTS moments that looked so intimate or gay to me. I don’t know, I had a strange but loving feeling with these two. And then BAM while watching some old video’s of BTS Rookie king, American Hustle,.. I got a recommendation for a Jikook video (first ever for me), I watched it and it felt like a puzzle came together. There were moments of concerts in it I hadn’t yet seen, there were very to the point analysis. I was just Jungshook :-O From then on I watched Jikook videos every day on top of everything BTS related. When watching old stuff from BTS I kept an extra eye on Jikook now and wow I was amazed by how slowly but obviously JJK started falling in love with Jimin. But it was only after I saw CGF Tokyo (I was quite late discovering that one) I was very much convinced of Jikook being in love/ being boyfriends. So there I was being addicted to the love between Jikook. One day I talked about Jikook with my sister, who’s a Taekooker. We never did before talk about Jikook specifically, we only talked about BTS in general but that day I asked her why on earth would you think Taekook are a couple while Jikook are obviously a couple. She then said that neither of them are real and showed me a lot of Taekook and Vmin video’s. After that my world came crashing down. I never saw another ship video before, only Jikook. I was so convinced I was witnessing a very beautiful and unique lovestory but then there was my younger sister telling me, I quote: “woman seriously, what did you think? They are all close friends who grew up together and are very much into skinship and fanservice, I’m sorry sis but none of them are dating and if they are then they’re a threesome, doesn’t make sense”. She was right, the interactions I saw between Jikook I could easily see between VMin and Taekook too. I secretly cried for 2 days and felt really bad, not believing in true love anymore. I know it’s weird at my age but that’s what it was like for me. My boyfriend really looked at me like I was a ridiculous teenager but I couldn’t help it. I thought I witnessed a true love couple in front of me but I was being played. I think 2 months went by, me ignoring everything Jikook, only watching BTS in general, luckily for me there was little interaction as in skinship anyways, except for the Christmas Dynamite video when Jimin was all cozy with JJK (I blamed it on fanservice) and then the iconic Black Swan performance, which I watched a 100 times over and cried for (I blamed it on the choreographer because Jikook do make the best dance pair); but then BAM all of the sudden there was the recent Vlive BE.T.S. and I was Jungshook, I was like 'come on, they’re all over each other, but why????’ I felt a little angry at Jikook about the 'fanservice’ this time because lately they didn’t do that a lot and I felt like they grew out of it and I was content with that since my heart was broken because of the fanservice before. It felt more fair to me that the members stopped doing fanservice. But no, there was Jikook again, right in front of all of us, flirting like they hadn’t seen each other in a while. Not just Jimin also JJK was looking at Jimin like a lover. It bothered me a lot because my heart was still healing from a 'break-up’ kinda feeling. But guess what happened next: I got a text from my little sister: “oh my god sis Jikook might be real after all” I texted her back “shut up, don’t laugh at me, I’m pissed”. and she: “No seriously, what is this, they flirt like there’s no tomorrow :-O Boyfriends after all?? ”… I was shocked that she of all people started believing in Jikook, while I finally saw reality because of her and her fiends. I start doubting Jikook again. So we came together and we wrote down some facts that could indicate Jikook being a real couple. Things Jikook did or said that they didn’t do with other members. I first wrote down 'it’s in their eyes, their stares’ but my sis reminded me that it goes for Taekook and Vmin as well so no, not a fact actually. But we came up with these facts:

1) GCF Tokyo, JJK planned this for Jimin’s birthday and it was all about Jimin, you could interpret it as a film for a very special friend but the song that goes with it and the fact that it was for his birthday were too suspicious and the most important fact: he ONLY did that for Jimin, not any other member after that. 2) Jimin is the most special member to JJK. He never gave gifts on B-days to members but he did gave Jimin a B-day present in 2017, just him, not the other members. After the members pointing him about this special treatment he did start giving everyone presents but back then it was only Jimin. 3) I can write a lot about why we think this but we are sure the members are not living together at the dorms anymore, only for work or maybe they crash there sometimes but they don’t actually live there anymore. So they take different cars from there home base to get where they’re going and Jikook always take the same care, especially since 2019, not really sure they live together although we could sum up some facts that could indicate they live together but we can say they at least want to be together before and after work, like almost all the time. An important one for us is that they were both late at the live MBC Radio show in September 2020. The excuse was they took a different highway then the rest and were stuck in traffic (they were like 30 min late). That doesn’t make sense at all, why would one of the cars take a different highway if they are all following each other to get there. We suppose they all gather at the dorms to go to there appointments to make sure they all arrive at the same time at their appointments. So the cars will be following each other, which we can see that is the case, all members always arrive at the same time in different cars (except Jikook, same car). So the excuse makes no sense, it’s either that they both left a lot later then the rest from the dorms (which would be weird) OR they came from a different place (their own place?) and indeed took that certain highway and got stuck in traffic because they weren’t following the other cars. Well that is more likely right? 4) Jimin took a long flight from Paris to S-K just to spend a few hours with JJK on his B-day at the evening. Sure Jimin is a great friend for all the members but this goes beyond that. Me and my sis wouldn’t even do that for each other (our B-days are at the same day, but 16 years apart so it’s special for us too), we would celebrate after our trip. 5) Billboard 1° interview “I was with Jungkook at 4 AM …we cried together”, the day before that interview there was a Vlive for JJK’s B-day and the tension there was weird between Jikook, they seemed unhappy. Jimin was trying to say something about JJK but was caught off twice, anyways he said it the day after: 'he was with JJK’ at that time, since they all don’t live together this is very questionable, all nighter friends forever?… We both found this significant. 6) We all know that Jimin really likes snow. Bon Voyage season 4: JJK got up early and climbed a mountain (without camera’s, so not for fanservice) to get a lump of snow and then gave it to Jimin. So this moment was sweet, romantic but also really awkward, the crew being there and Jimin’s very shy reaction. We believe JJK meant this moment to be just between the two of them (JJk got up early for this) but the crew spotted him and yeah soon ((unfortunately) like 10 people were watching JJK giving Jimin that gift. Jimin didn’t know what to do or say… Between friends it wouldn’t be that awkward or it wouldn’t even happen in the first place. My boyfriend wouldn’t even do this for me, it’s too corny. 7) Rose Bowl, it’s debatable that JJK actually sucked Jimin’s ear but he at least kissed it twice and in an intimate way, this kind of intimacy we couldn’t find between any other members (yes we did search) we saw some intimate moments between Taekook and Vmin that looked very suspicious too but it was not like that special Jikook moment. This is another level. 8) As far as we know they spend the most time together off work: going ice skating, going to the cinemas, touring in London, watching the first snow together. All this in their private time without crew and cameras, no fanservice here. So we can say that even though they already work all these hours together in a day they still want to spend time together after that. J-Hope and Jimin spend time together off work too but mostly it’s Jikook who spend most time together off work. They must really like each other cause honestly I love my boyfriend but no way that I would want to be with him as much as Jikook are together, I would feel suffocated. 9) We debated a while about this one, my sis found it more important than me. RUN BTS episode 116-117 were a member (blindfolded) had to touch/feel the pose the members took to guess the song. Quite intimate game in our opinion but hey it’s S-Korea and skinship is normal… Editors for some reason did not show us JJK touching Jimin, all the others were shown, only of Jikooks scene we didn’t get the footage, just a picture of it afterwards. OK in my opinion the picture is for fanservice but why on earth leave the scene out at all, was it too intimate?, was it too awkward for the crew to film? we don’t know but fact is it was not shown. Normally I don’t over-analyse things but sis is right when she says this one is very suspicious. Editors cut a lot of scenes for different reasons but this one is just too suspicious. 10) Ever since 2013 they are all nighter buddies and JJK loves sleeping in Jimins bed. Just facts.

There is so much more to say about Jikook, like their matching rings, wearing each others clothes but that is not exclusively for Jikook, we found that Taekook also did this. Jikook does it more but still it’s not just them so we don’t take it as proof. Also hand holding, hugs, stares, it’s not something exclusively for them, they all do that, and considering these boys were very young when they got together and lived together a long time as a family, are together 24/7, it’s not surprising that in a country where skinship is normal, these boys are all over each other like there are no boundaries. It’s normal for them. Tae, JJK, Jimin, J-hope are especially into skinship but it hits different with Jikook if you consider what goes on between them beside that. Also we think there is less skinship these days which is quite normal since the members are all grown up now, so it’s a bit surprising when we see Jikook still being quite touchy. About their songs there are a lot of theories too that we can support (I am you and you are me,…) but they are still just theories.

In conclusion: My sister now believes they are a couple LOL. How fast the night changes :-) Taekook is still her favorite ship but she believes Jikook are a real couple, go figure……

I’m personally still careful in what I choose to believe so I can’t be heartbroken again if they turn out to not be a couple after all. I believe Jikook are more than friends/brothers and are likely in love with each other, possibly a couple and maybe living together :-) But still there are many things that make me question them as a couple as well and there is also the possibility that they just come off as a couple because of that special bond they have but in reality they are not. I hope they are a couple though because it would make the world a more beautiful place, I can’t explain why…

Thank you for letting me write our story here and sorry for this book I wrote LOL

Lots of love JD & S (ARMY sisters and Jikook supporters)

FROM SIS : Thank you for trusting me with your story!!! I am glad you came forward with your experience https://youtu.be/MwMLw6FdycY (I hope you don’t mind my comment at the end of it)

#Submission Post #submission

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kickasscas · 3 years

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💕 get to know your mutuals!! when you get this, it means someone wants to know more about you, so list 5 things about yourself you want your followers to know. they can be as simple as your age or as complex as your deepest fear, as long as it’s something you’re comfortable with sharing. when you’re done, send this to 10 people you want to get to know better!! 🥺🌼💕

Hello!!! Thanks for the ask!! I've never answered one like this before lol! Five things I would want my followers to know about me....

(Let's start with the obvious lol) I LOVE SUPERNATURAL!! It's my favorite damn show and it will always be. I seriously do have an obsession with it. I have most of the side books (minus a few in the 'Supernatural' book series), the whole bluray collection, and tons of memorabilia. My family knows I love it a lot and that I won't shut up about it. They don't seem to mind too much.

I grew up in a religious family. My mom is very true to her religion (Christianity, specifically Seventh Day Adventist) and she goes to church every Saturday. She makes sure her true opinions about certain topics are known. For example, when I came out as trans she told me all about how the Bible viewed the topic. She doesn't like that I'm trans, but she says she doesn't love me any less. Me personally? I'm not religious, I'm agnostic. Everyone else in my family minus my older brothers is religious so....its kinda hard sometimes.

Obviously, I'm trans. Specifically ftm (female to male). I came out to my family and friends in 2017. Some took it well and others didn't. My dad surprisingly took it very well and I thought he would have given me the most trouble. He's pretty far right on the political spectrum, but he's interested in learning more about being trans in general. So much so, in fact, that he asks me about how I take my medication, how I use the needles, etc. He's pretty supportive actually and that's something I love. He has come a long way....before I came out he made trans jokes and was pretty offensive at times (he still is towards gay people, hence why I don't talk about Supernatural too much around him). But now, he's not making any trans jokes and he actually seems excited for some of my changes that will happen on T (facial hair, deeper voice, etc.)

I will stand up for those who need it. If you don't know me personally, just know that I mean this. If I see someone who's in trouble or is getting hurt by someone else, you can BET YOUR ASS imma hop in there and fuck some shit up. Honestly, it's probably an issue and not so much of a good thing because I do have anger issues.

Yes. I do have anger issues. If you meet me you wouldn't think so. You'd probably think I'm the nicest person ever. But no...if someone gets me angry, I can't control what I do next. It's kinda scary and I've been trying to get better, but it's not working well. I figured out I had anger issues when I shoved my little sister to the ground after she yelled in my ear. You may be thinking "well that's a normal thing to do" to which I would reply "yes, but not if you literally blacked out and couldn't control it." That's what happened. My mind went fuzzy and my vision just turned black and next thing I knew she was on the ground. It's kinda scary...

#ask game #mutuals #thanks for this ask so much

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dinosaurtsukki · 4 years

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haikyuu!! characters and their fave musicals

pretty much an hc’s for funsies type of thing. which characters are absolute nerds for musicals and which ones couldn’t care less? i know not everyone likes musicals but if this is your thing, feel free to read!

Hinata: he’s one of those people who watched Shrek the Musical unironically and ended up getting really hooked on it but no way is he going to tell anyone

Kageyama: thinks that the Shrek trilogy are counted as movie musicals because ‘the characters sing and everything’. will fall asleep in a theatre so don’t bring him you’ll be disappointed

Tsukishima: loves Avenue Q and The Producers because the humor is right up his alley. also has tASTE and his fave is probs something like Hadestown because it is the best musical. loves to break down the lyrics and listens to an album non-stop when he’s obsessed

Yamaguchi: he tried to watch Grease but ended up throwing popcorn at the tv-screen because of the blatant sexism. yams is not About That. gets his recommendations from Tsukki and has never looked back

Tanaka: likes anything with awesome choreography and really cool special-effects like Hamilton or Be More Chill. when you ask him about the story though he’s like ???

Noya: doesn’t get the concept of musicals. ‘she’s singing about the guy but he’s right there??? doesn’t he hear everything????’ ‘WHY ARE THEY SINGING JUST FIGHT ALREADY’

Ennoshita: also has Taste. watches pretty much anything and loves to keep track of new productions and new casting. if you ask him about his favorite musical he’ll probably specifically mention the cast and where it was performed

Asahi: y’all are gonna hate me y’all are gonna hate me but JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR haha jk. one hundred percent a Dear Evan Hansen kinda guy because he relates to the main guy’s personality. has waving through a window on repeat

Sugawara: LOVES the classics: Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, Miss Saigon. knows every song and movement by heart. sings them everywhere. would not listen to anything else. also Moulin Rouge because he’s one Classy Bitch

Daichi: appreciates any good musical recommended to him but the kind of person who presses ‘shuffle’ when listening to the recording and all the fans around him die inside. does this more than once just for that reaction

Kiyoko: loves anything with awesome female roles, particularly Legally Blonde and Six the Musical. raises an eyebrow at you if you say you like Grease and you land on her list of people she would barely talk to

Yachi: practically raised on disney movie musicals. loves to watch and re-watch videos from Broadway Princess Party a lot. is basically a disney princess herself and loves to put some songs on when she cleans the house.

Kuroo: one of those people who got really into Hamilton back in the day. would sing the vocals, the back-up vocals, the chorus parts, and hum the intros. says he’s a musical fan but that’s the only one he’s watched/listened to.

Kenma: someone recommended Be More Chill to him (probably tsukki) and he ended up actually liking it. once in a while you’ll hear him humming ‘christiiiiIIiine’ under his breath. likes to listen to michael in the bathroom at 2 am

Yaku: hates musicals ever since Nekoma had a movie night and then decided to watch Lion King and lev dead-ass lifted him up over his head like what rafiki did to simba in That Scene.

Lev: another one who likes disney musicals but like, the basic ones (frozen, tangled, beauty and the beast). mostly because they’re his sister’s favorites tho. has more than once did the whole ‘do you want to build a snowman’ thing with alisa and probably his teammates

Oikawa: thinks that liking Heathers makes him edgy it doesn’t. practically paid hanamaki and matsukawa to sing Candy Store with him and using iwa as veronica. absolutely vibes to the Mean Girls musical

Iwaizumi: a hard High School Musical stan, now and forever. thinks that Ryan and Chad are definitely gay. one time oikawa was giving them a pep talk and said ‘what team?’ and iwa yelled ‘WILDCATS’ and then everybody looked at him because they KNEW they KNEW HE NEVER GOT OVER THAT PHASE--

Matsukawa: Cats. The Movie.* wrote a long-ass thread on twitter about why the female cats should be given six boob and tagged Tom Hooper. was blocked.

Hanamaki: *see above. probably had his sexual awakening when he saw Idris Elba as a sexy cat. there’s nothing gendered about a sexy cat

Kyoutani: likes the leather jacket aesthetic in Grease. looked up the lyrics to ‘Greased Lightning’ once and shut off his laptop when he saw the innuendos. may have tried to replicate the choreography at one point but fell off a table

Yahaba: a romantic at heart. has a copy of the West Side Story DvD and loves to sing ‘Maria’ and ‘One Hand, One Heart.’ he and Oikawa love to duet ‘I Feel Pretty.’ also tried to copy the choreography and sUCCEEDED

Ushijima: you’ve taken him to see an array of musicals, from the much-loved classics to the inventive modern musicals. every time, you glance at him hoping for any reaction. he always leaves the theater saying ‘it was good.’ only one musical has managed to make him crack a smile: The Muppets (the movie ver.)

Tendou: another boy with Quality Taste. is a hardcore stan of any musical by Team Starkid (also loves that they’re all on Youtube). makes so many references to them but nobody else understands. will yell ‘TIGERFUCKER TIGERFUCKER’ out of the blue

Shirabu: thinks that La La Land is Peak Taste. got angry when tendou showed him a video of ryan gosling scenes in the movie but it’s all replaced by barry, the bee from Bee Movie. now La La Land is ruined because he keeps on remembering ‘you like jazz?’ in barry’s voice

Semi: tells you that he just doesn’t watch musicals but he secretly had such a Les Miz phase. writes enjolras x reader fanfics and his longest one was 200k words. if he hears anything that vaguely sounds like ‘do you hear the people sing’, a tear will fall out of the corner of his eye

Goshiki: was looking for slime tutorials one and stumbled on ‘not hamilton just a 2 hr slime tutorial’ y’all kno what i’m talking about and watched the whole thing. was disappointed that there weren’t any slimes but is now into hamilton

Akaashi: knows and understands the peak performance quality and biblical philosophy of Jesus Christ Superstar. doesn’t tell anyone about it though because they all assume its all church music. ‘it’s not’, he sobs. ‘it’s more.’

Bokuto: akaashi recommended Jesus Christ Superstar to him and he watched it, thinking that he’d see jesus playing an electric guitar. he was very disappointed and sulked about it for a week. LOVES disney musicals though

Atsumu: was one of those kids who would look up the Harry Potter Puppet Pals videos on youtube and stumbled in to A Very Potter Musical. ever since jk rowling’s snake side came out he began accepting that fan musical as canon. likes to piss rowling off by posting screenshots of the musical and saying its from the movie

Osamu: the Disney fan but with Quality Taste. loves Hunchback of Notre Dame, Princess and the Frog, Prince of Egypt, and Anastasia (the last two aren’t disney but animated musicals). cries at the sound of Phil Collins’ sultry voice.

Kita: is in love with Phantom of the Opera because his grandmother loves listening to it. he’d sing THE ENTIRE SOUNDTRACK pretty much every day until his teammates catch him singing in the locker rooms while they were changing AND NAILING ALL OF CHRISTINE’S HIGH NOTES LIKE ITS NOTHING

Terushima: doesn’t like musicals so his friend recommended that he watch The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals by Team Starkid because of the crackhead humor. watched Robert Manion perform and ending up going on google and searching ‘does watching men move their hips real nice make me bi?’

Koganegawa: y’all are gonna be surprised but this one’s a hardcore Wicked fan. has watched all of the different castings of it. he loves to imitate Elphaba’s iconic ‘FIEEEEROOOOOOO’ line in the showers and records it, just to see if he’s close to how it sounds onstage. has Idina Menzel’s autograph

Futakuchi: bitch does nothing but roast everyone else’s musical tastes. hamilton? ‘wow, mainstream much?’ dear evan hansen? ‘psshh, basic.’ be more chill? ‘think you’re edgy or something?’ the greatest show? ‘what are you? five?’ his favorite musical is actually Cats

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu!! headcanons #hc's for funsies #haikyuu!! characters + their fave musicals #i watch a certain amount of musicals #and i thought this would be fun #don't mind me lowkey dragging some of y'all's musical tastes #feel free to download

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luninosity · 4 years

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It’s @whumptober2020 time! Have some Steve/Bucky, with modern-day politician!Steve. This one’s for theme 17 - I Did Not See That Coming - specific prompt: blackmail; and theme 26 - If You Thought The Head Trauma Was Bad - specific prompt: migraines.

Enjoy!

Bucky reads the email. Then reads it again. Looks at the pictures. Then takes a deep breath and shuts his eyes, fingers pressing the spot between his eyebrows. He knows the words and the photos won’t go away.

He’s already got a headache: the beginnings of what, based on experience, is going to be a really awful migraine. It’s been a long day even though it’s only eleven in the morning; he loves the energy and momentum of Steve’s congressional campaign, and he loves helping write press releases and speeches, and he loves Steve, of course.

It’s just a lot. Noise bounces around the headquarters and bounds into Bucky’s office despite his closed door. The passion’s wonderful but also loud. Their lives are already changing; they’ll change even more once Steve’s elected. And now there’s this.

Bucky wishes fleetingly, just for a second, that he and Steve could run away somewhere, just the two of them, maybe visiting a goat farm or the Grand Canyon or someplace quiet and vast and full of stars; and then he laughs a little at impossibilities and gets up. He loves Steve, and Steve needs to know about this.

He catches his balance with a hand on the side of his desk, as his vision briefly sparkles and blurs. His desk supports him, worried. Steve’ll be worried too, so Bucky squares his shoulders and ducks out into the cacophony of posters and phone calls and lurking reporters and interns. Several of them recognize him—not as Steve’s boyfriend, but as a valuable inner-circle staff member—and wave. Bucky lifts a hand in reply.

They don’t know he’s Steve’s boyfriend because, on advice from Brock the campaign manager, they’ve been keeping that one quiet. Bucky’s not an asset, Brock’d said. The sexuality might be acceptable—Steve’s proudly pansexual, always has been, and Bucky’s also out and not shy about being gay, and Steve’s campaign’s built around inclusion and affirmation. Steve could run for office with a man on his arm. But James Buchanan Barnes specifically…

James Barnes, one-time prisoner of war. James Barnes, present-day moderately successful science fiction author, not bad with words and putting them together. James Barnes, formerly brainwashed former assassin. James Barnes, with a twisted and ugly past that even he doesn’t remember too much about, who’s done things the legal system says he’s not guilty of, not being in his sound mind and all, but who still pulled those triggers, set those traps. James Barnes has a prosthetic arm, PTSD, and migraines and full-body aches on an unpredictable and painful schedule.

James Barnes would be a liability, if Steve wants to win.

Bucky, who’d once upon a time seen Steve’s face on a local council-board election poster while roaming New York City streets on an assignment, who’d recognized the eyes of the boy who’d been the first person he’d ever kissed and the boy he’d grown up with and joined the Army with, who’d stood there and gone off-mission and abandoned his target because tiny firecrackers of memory were exploding behind his eyes…

Bucky had nodded. Agreeing with Brock.

Steve, of course, had been angry. But Steve also listens to Bucky, at least more than to anyone else. And Bucky had made a choice, and Steve won’t trample over that.

His head aches, dull and clumsy and thick. He clutches his phone.

He taps at the frame of Steve’s open door. Natasha, who’s in charge of publicity, is just getting up to leave; her expression starts as a smile but becomes concern. “Are you—”

Bucky tries for a smile. Even his face hurts. “Just something Steve should look over.”

Natasha obviously notices he’s not carrying anything, no printed speech drafts or copy for a press release, just his phone; but she only nods, not pushing. She does pat his shoulder, the not-prosthetic one, on the way out. And shuts the door.

Bucky’s pretty sure she’s guessed about him and Steve. He’s not sure Steve realizes that.

Steve at the moment is getting up—he’d been leaning casually against his desk, not sitting behind it—and coming over, holding out both hands, all muscles and blue eyes and golden shining heroic concern. “Buck—I was just going to come find you, I wanted to tell you—come here, sit down, you look—another migraine? Or—”

“Yeah, but that’s not it.” He does sit down, because Steve’s guiding him onto the small blue sofa. It’s not really big enough for two men their size, but being close to Steve feels nice. Or it does for now; his stomach twists. Steve might not want to hold him, in a minute. “I just got this email. You need to know.”

Steve takes his phone. Reads. Swears, low and vehement.

“Yeah.” Bucky closes his eyes. His stomach feels unhappy too. Nausea, right on schedule. Steve’s lights’re too bright. His shoulder hurts; even his hair aches. “I don’t know how he got those pictures. But the how doesn’t matter.”

The man has pictures. Bucky and Steve. Clearly together: caught sharing a kiss as they duck into their front door, coming home, laughing under an umbrella and the rain. Unmistakable.

He wants money. He also wants Steve to drop out of the race. The timing’s flawless; the polls have Steve ahead, as announced earlier this morning.

Steve sets down Bucky’s phone. Stretches an arm to reach the light switch, which he can, just barely, and dims the lights. Then coaxes Bucky further down onto the sofa, head pillowed on Steve’s lap. Bucky tries to protest but desperately wants to lie down, wants Steve’s hands on him, and so gives in.

Steve’s artist’s fingers rub lightly over his temple. “How’s this?”

“Better.” It is, a little. Steve knows how hard and where to touch, or not touch, or work up to. “Love you.” Even as he says it, he winces: that’s exactly the problem right now.

Steve’s hand moves to the nape of Bucky’s neck, soothing, rubbing tension away. “Love you. So, um. What I wanted to tell you…guess this won’t be so bad, after all, and the timing’s even kinda funny…”

“Steve, he’s trying to blackmail you. Using me.”

“And it’s not gonna work.” Steve’s deploying a version of the politician voice, the authoritative fiercely protective one that never fails to weaken Bucky’s knees, but this version’s even deeper and rumbly and intimate: Steve’s not about to let anyone threaten Bucky. “I fired Brock this morning.”

“You what? Why?” Bucky starts to sit up. Cars crash inside his skull; he can’t breathe, dizzy. “I need to write you a statement—you’ll need a draft of—Jesus, Steve, tell me you at least said something tactful—”

“Well, I didn’t punch him. Close, though.” Steve sounds amazingly unworried. His hands ease Bucky back down; one covers Bucky’s eyes, making the world blessedly dark and calm. “Nat’s taking over as campaign manager. That’s what she was in here to talk about.”

“Jesus,” Bucky says again. “It’s only eleven am, and you’ve fired Brock and given Nat a new job, and we’re getting blackmailed. Why’d you fire him?”

“He…said something I didn’t like. Want me to make your ginger tea or grab your painkillers?”

“No, just stay here for now. It wasn’t about me, was it?” The guilty silence on Steve’s end makes Bucky’s head thump more. “Steve, no. Tell me you’re not firing people over me.”

“I fired him because he’s a fucking awful person who says fucking awful things about people who’ve been through trauma, and also about women, and also about people in therapy, and also about which of our interns he wants to fuck,” Steve says. “I don’t want any of that around here. And I want you here. I’m done pretending I’m not in love with you, Bucky Barnes.”

“Steve—”

“I’m proud to be with you.” Steve lifts the hand from Bucky’s eyes long enough for Bucky to focus on him, to see he means it. He does, and all that fiery conviction takes Bucky’s breath away.

Steve Rogers has always been ready to take on any villains, to join any protests, to protect the world if the world needs a protector. Skinny scrawny sickly Steve’d had that lion’s heart long before the Army and the rippling muscles and, now, the carefully chosen politician’s suits and ties. Steve knows about strategies on all sorts of battlefields.

And Bucky loves him so damn much, with heart and soul and fingertips and kisses and aching dreams and hopes and promises. With everything they are and have been and will be, together.

Steve goes on, “I’m proud to stand next to you. I love you. I don’t fucking care who knows it—it’s about time everyone knows it. That’s who I am, and I’m not gonna hide it, and I’m not gonna let some jerk with a camera ruin it. You’re you and I’m me and we’re together to the end of the line.”

“And that’s that,” Bucky manages, shaky.

“Yep.”

“So…we’re…just gonna ignore the whole blackmail thing.”

“We can report it. But I’d already decided.” Steve hesitates. His hand’s stroking Bucky’s hair now, a welcome deliberate heavy presence. “But…guess I didn’t exactly ask you. Shit. I’m sorry, Buck, I should’ve. I haven’t said anything yet, just fired Brock, so…if you want…if you’d rather not…we don’t have to go public. You don’t have to go through that.”

Bucky doesn’t answer for a second, only lying still in the dark. Steve’s thigh’s a good pillow. Steve’s voice is warm and loving. Steve’s hands are full of love too.

He says, “I’ll write us a statement. A press release. And we should do an interview together.”

Steve’s hand stops moving.

Bucky opens his eyes a fraction. Peeking up. “Kinda proud to be with you, too, y’know.”

“Oh,” Steve says. “But—I thought—”

“Never really wanted to hide.” Bucky shrugs a shoulder, a small movement; it doesn’t hurt. “Just thought…maybe it was the right advice, not like I know anything about politics, and maybe you’d be better off…”

“I wasn’t. Not without you.” Steve touches a fingertip to Bucky’s mouth; Bucky kisses it. “So you only agreed because of me. Trying to protect me.”

“And you fire people because of me.”

“Just the one, and he’s a dick.”

“I like your dick,” Bucky tells him, not that Steve doesn’t already know. “So…guess we’re doing this. When?”

“Now,” Steve says. “I’m taking a long lunch and I don’t have anything I can’t reschedule—or that Nat can’t handle—this afternoon. I’m planning to take my boyfriend home, take care of him, and also kiss him in front of the whole campaign staff on the way out. If he’s, y’know, good with that.”

“He’s very, very good with that,” Bucky says, because it’s very, very true. Despite the pounding in his head, the world’s looking fantastic. Brock’s gone, Steve’s ahead in the polls, the blackmail’s utterly irrelevant, and Bucky gets to kiss Steve and be loved by Steve and swept away by Steve while people cheer, and so, yeah: good, he decides, is exactly the word.

#whumptober2020 #no.17 #no.26 #i did not see that coming #if you thought the head trauma was bad #blackmail #migraines #stucky #fic #steve/bucky #my fic

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