#lana del ray afraid

[l1zzygr4ntforever]

'cause i'm so afraid

♡°♡°♡°♡°♡°♡°♡°♡°♡°♡°♡

[girl-afraid1]

if i tell you to kill yourself it means i love you

[queen-of-sand-castles]

WHO'S AFRAID OF LITTLE OLD ME,

you should be

[jonksi]

friend asked for bands I like. I'm horrible at remembering names so thinking about Fever Ray accidentally said Lana del Rey.

this was a year ago.

recently brought up another misunderstanding I let slide.

she didn't take it well.

I guess I like Lana del Rey now then... ._.

[loveandleases]

(Our second fluff ABC's. This time for our hothead. You can find the first fluff ABC's here. Below the cut~)

A = Admiration - Cam admires honesty.

B = Body - Any part of MC, doesn't matter. Just know Cam is very much paying attention to all of their body.

C = Cuddling - There were many nights when MC and Cam were having a sleepover that Cam ended up half laying on MC. Cam loves to cuddle, and why not do that with your favorite person?

D = Dates - For Cam he would prefer something more laid back. While he would take MC out on the town if that is what they wanted, just having that one on one time is a plus in their book.

E = Emotions - They are known as our resident hot head for a reason. Cam can take a lot, he will bury it. (Looking at all those emotions he has pushed down for MC). If Cam feels someone is being rude or out of pocket just know he will do something about it. Even if it has nothing to do with him.

F = Family - For him, those people he considers famliy are the most important to him. Whether that is MC, or MC's aunt, even doggo. They matter to Cam. Now how that applies to his own siblings, you will just have to wait and see.

G = Gifts - He loves to give gifts, believes them to be little reminders of his appreciation. If you see the inside of Cam's room, you will see trinkets from many different points in his life. Things from his childhood, such as the first pebble MC gave him. To a stack of polaroids of Kara's first steps, to when he got the doggo for MC.

H = Holding Hands - He holds hands with such fervency. Afraid that if he lets go the person whose hand he was holding will cease to exist.

I = Injury - While Cam can handle pain thanks to growing up sick, he can't handle it when it has to do with people he cares about. When he saw MC's nose bleed (thanks Cam) he nearly fainted form the sight of blood. Just the idea of hurting someone gives him the ick. (unless that person is Chris.)

J = Jokes - Definitely a jokester, sometimes you just have to laugh to keep from crying. Sadly that is one of Cam's ideals. He will be sulking out of your view.

K = Kisses - Cam kisses with urgency, as if each one will be the last. Each one more dear than the one before.

L = Love - Cam has had love for people, platonically, and romantically. Though no love burns brighter or hurts as much as the one he has for his best friend. It's a love to never be given lightly or that expects anything in return.

M = Memory - He has many memories he holds dear, from the first word Kara spoke, to his first kiss. One of his favorite memories is prom, and when he headbutted Chris. (Okay that one yeah that one is top 5.)

N = Nightmare (what is one of their fears?) - One of his biggest fears is to be discarded. To be replaced and treated as if he never mattered at all. He can do without that.

O = Oddity (what is one quirk they have?) - MC will see Cam just grab at his hair and faceplant on the table, the couch even his bed. MC has yet to find out why but they always hear Cam mumbling things under his breath.

P = Pet Names (what do they like to call you?)- Red.

Q = Quality Time (how do they like to spend time with you?) - Cam prefers to just hang out, relax. Talk about your shared past and what coul be your future. Watch really cringey shows. Share a pint of ice cream together. Help in any way he can. Also…laundry.

R = Rhythm (what song do they hum to themselves, when they think no one is listening.)- He will hum anything even if he doesn't know the lyrics, his current go to is Say Yes To Heaven by Lana Del Ray.

S = Secrets (how open are they?) - With others he's not open at all, with MC like an open book. (well except for one secret he keeps close). He will never intentionally tell MC's secrets, those are sacred to him.

T = Time (how do they spend their time?) - Pining. Doodling in a journal he keeps hidden in a drawer. Taking horrible candid photos of people. Cam also likes to read, there will always be a book dog eared in his camera bag.

U = Upset (how do they act when they're upset?) - Depends on how upset he is. While somethings he will bottle, other things will make him out swear a sailor. Cam gives it his all in a lot of things, especially when it comes to cussing someone out. Did they bump into MC, alright hes going to tell them their mother should have swallowed. Our boy is fiesty sometimes to a fault. But it's because he truly cares.

V = Vaunt (what are they proud of? Do they like to show you off?) - Their accomplishments. While his parents don't recognize how good he is as a photographer, Cam is truly good at it. At capturing a moment or an idea just with photos. It's something he prouds himself on. If he sucks at everything else, at least he knows this is the one thing he can do.

W = Warrior (how do they feel about you fighting? Would they fight for you, beside you, etc?) - He has a scar on the back of his thigh from doing just that. Cam will fight for you, beside you. To him it doesn't matter. You just tell him where to throw that punch.

X = X-Ray (how well are they able to read you?) - Very well. There will be times when Cam can read MC better than he can himself. He won't always know when something is wrong or whats wrong, especially if your relationship changes. He will try his best to figure out whats wrong.

Y = Yes (how would they propose to you?) - I can't give all the details away, but it would depend. It's not that he wouldn't plan it, it's just likely that he would be so overcome with emotion that he just blurts it out.

Z = Zen (what makes them feel calm?) - Someone touching their hand or a hug. He never really got them from his family so to him it's not only shocking when someone does it but its so comforting to him that he wishes it would never end.

[col-e7]

Ninjago headcanons again but my high school with no powers AU (post 1/5)

/!\ TW : traumas, E.D, depression, SH, cigarettes and dr8gs, bullying, mental health, violence, VERY long post with the worse grammar possible /!\

This will be a serie of 5 posts with 3 characters each time. Any ideas, suggestions, headcanons or anything to complete mine is appreciated !

Kai Smith

• is 17 y/o

• is in 11th grade

• uses he/they pronouns but prefers being seen as a guy

• androgyne and pansexual

• are Mexican by their mother and Japanese by their father

• fluent speakers in Spanish and Japanese

• he’s between 5’7 and 5’8 tall (somewhere between 1m70 and 1m72)

• they’re the 3rd older after Zane and Cole

• they’re born on 18 august

• has I.E.D (intermittent explosive disorder)

• has insomnia since the burglary happened (in my AU, Kai and Nya’s parents died stopping burglars who entered in the house, Kai were 10 and Nya 9)

• everyone knows him and his relation with his siblings and how you shouldn’t hurt or annoy them if you don’t want to go to the hospital (that’s what happened to Lloyd’s bullies in middle school)

• due to what they did to Lloyd’s bullies, they had to pay for the damage and the treatment. It took them almost a year and half to find the money

• has a LOT of followers on his socials, especially instagram

• is good at English, P.E., politics and social classes and surprisingly good at art (only at whatever touching fashion like anatomy, outfit sketches and drawing different textures/fabrics)

• wants to be a model or work in fashion industry

• has dated a lot of people in their life but it never lasted more then two months because of his I.E.D that their partner didn’t understand or search to understand, his habit to never seek help or say anything about his feelings

• is currently dating Skylor since the beginning of summer but they realise that they have maybe catch feelings for Cole

• is the only one with Jay to have a driver license

• always getting in trouble with school or students because they fight a lot (is easily provoked)

• work hard after school everyday (he’s overexploited by his boss and knows it but can’t quit his job because he couldn’t afford the apartment or pay any food)

• hate seeking help, see it as weakness

• his insomnia get worse due to his night job and homeworks

• hide his dark rings with a bit of makeup

• was extremely afraid to wear dresses and skirts, anything for « girls » at school but since 10th grade they found the confidence to wear whatever they want and enjoys it

• loves help Lloyd with his art project when they need a model

• goes to art galleries with Lloyd and anything linked to fashion with Skylor and Cole

• have his right eye that moves more slowly than the other and his right pupil bigger and the left one because of one of the burglar : one of them was about to hit Nya by throwing some glass at her and he got between them to protect his sister and his upper eyes take some glass and that stupid little idiot tried to remove it but only make it worse and now, plus making his vision worse they also have a scar now

• loves going out at night with Cole when they end up high and talk about life and philosophical things in the moonlight

• organise hangouts with the entire friend group to the mall when he has enough money and they always ending up to do a sleepover at someone’s house (usually Jay’s because his parents are the kindest people ever)

• ALWAYS wear one black converse and the other red that he wrote on some lyrics of Lana del Ray « Say yes to me… » and « If you dance,… » that he match with Cole’s converse

• always on energy drinks to stay awake

• have an amazing sense of style and can make a beautiful outfit with the bare minimum, and can spend HOURS in a thrift store

• is a party animal since he can rarely go to parties with his job but those parties usually finished with him fighting or being so high or drunk he can’t even go home (he already spend a night outside bcz of that)

• they hate themselves for being a such problem and « bad brother », for being not mentally stable or economically stable as well

• they stop taking their medicine for their I.E.D because he couldn’t pay for both of his treatments and Lloyd’s ADHD medication

• used to skip meals to feed Nya and Lloyd, sometimes does it when it’s the end of the month and he can barely buy enough food for two persons

• has a HUGE crush on Cole since the beginning of the year

• was afraid for Nya when she gets in her first relationship but relax and learn to trust her and saw there were nothing to be worry about

• their fav artists are Hozier and Lady Gaga

• always ask to their therapist what Lloyd said to her but she always give answers like : "Kai, would you, please, considerate to turn off your big brother mode for an hour ? "

• doesn’t know to swim since they’re hella scared of water

• can plays drums

• definitely a mama’s boy

• has a naturally hotter body temperature

Cole Hence Brookstone

• is 18 y/o

• is in 11th grade because he repeat his 9th grade

• uses he/him and sees himself as a cis man

• gay

• is Algerian on his mother side and Indian on his father side

• fluent speaker in Arabic, Hindi and French and is learning Korean and Spanish

• he’s the second tallest after Zane : he’s between 6’2 and 6’3 (between 1m90 and 1m93)

• always sleeping in classes he found boring because his sleep schedule is a totally mess (goes with Kai in the back of the class and do their nap together)

• he’s the oldest of the group, being born one month before Zane

• doesn’t know what to do after school and he feels anxious about it because all his friends have already some ideas

• writes songs/poems in class in a notebook where he writes about his life/traumas, his thoughts and draws some doodles, he considers it like his diary and never shows it to anyone

• he has been diagnosed with an E.D (boulimia) at 6 and even tho he tried to handle it, he always has like severe periods in a year where he loses a lot of weight and feels extremely tired and bad, at the point he did a depression in 9th grade. It was already hard to get ready for school and go to classes so doing homework and listening to the teachers was almost impossible that’s why he repeated the year

• he get, followed after by Nya and Lloyd when they get 16, a motorcycle licence one week after he got 16. He needed it to drive himself to school since his dad isn’t always at home because of his work and since he’s often drunk he prefers to go by himself

• he smokes and very rarely dr8gs with Kai. Lloyd often ask if he could pay them some cigarettes but Cole never does because 1 : "you’re literally a walking angel alive, you’re too pure for that shit" and 2 : " You want me dead and your siblings in jail ??"

• genuinely DESPISE P.E. class because of the changing room mostly. When he was in 8th grade he has been bullied for being gay and “watching boys changing in P.E.” and has been beaten up by his classmates for that. The year after the boulimia didn’t help and he would constantly comparing himself to other and thought he eat too much and doesn’t do enough sport, adding to that the comments of the P.E. teacher

• never goes outside without his headphones and a pair of earbuds too in case his headphones die

• people usually think he’s tough but actually he’s the kindest and sweetest guy ever and gives the best hugs when you need it

• does sleepovers with Skylor and Vania or just Vania but Nya, Pix and Skylor often invite themselves to the party

• speaks to Skylor in Arabic just to watch others’s faces

• learns Korean to understand Jay and Spanish to understand Kai, Nya and Skylor

• plays guitar and has a band with Morro, Akita and Vania

• he does not sing because he just can’t but he can perfectly do rap and beatbox

• he has daddy issues not due to his family legacy but mostly due to his father who can’t make his grieve of his wife and drink

• can do breakdance but will never do it in high school

• protects Lloyd every times he sees they’re being annoyed

• has a ton of pairs of converse but one black with the lyrics « say yes to heaven » and « I’ll dance » that Kai and him matched

• BIG HUGE fan of Cigarettes after sex (his fav songs of them are Sunsetz and Cry)

• his fav artists are Cigarettes after sex, TV girl, Arctic Monkeys, Conan Gray and Pyo (he’s a little singer go listen to his songs they’re worth it *^*)

• his coming out to his father was an absolute disaster and is one of his biggest traumas : his dad saw him and Kai kissing each other one day, so when he explained that Kai was more than a friend and that he was attracted to men, they had a huge fight while Kai was trying to defend his boyfriend but he had to go outside to calm himself down while he heard the screams and shoutings of the two men. After like a half of an hour, his father decided to kick him out of the house. He had to sleep at the Smith’s. The next day he tried to talk to his dad but he was drunk and told him he had no son, that he was dead and that’s why he threw all his stuff out of the window. Cole just took the stuff that was still intact -which means not a lot- by holding tears and leave the house

• spend two months in a hospital because of his ED which became so severe he lost 15 or 20kg (~33 and 44 ibs), he had a constant headache, was very tired close to the dehydration

• loves skateboarding with Morro and Lloyd

• after getting out of the hospital and tried his best to recover of both his traumas and his ED he get a tattoo for this : a dragon with lilies’s petals and flames

• has a big crush on Kai since middle school and Jay was the first to noticed it

• him and Jay have the most philosophical and deepest conversations ever about love and relationships, at 3am, calling each other on discord and playing horror video games

• studies with Zane (at least tries to) and our poor Zane had to survive to a freaking out lost Cole in math : " WHAT’S x ? WHAT’S y ? WHERE ARE NUMBERS WHEN YOU NEED IT ??!! "

• goes to gym with Zane, Kai and Nya

• mama’s boy club with Kai

Lloyd Montgomery Garmadon

• just turned 16 a few weeks ago

• are in 11th grade too (skipped 1st grade)

• use they/them pronouns and identify as a trans man

• thought they were biromantic and asexual but after a sexuality identity crisis that everyone has been, they discovered they were aroace

• they have autism and ADHD

• is Japanese on his mother side and Chinese on his father side

• can speak Japanese and Spanish thanks to the Smith siblings

• they’re 5’2 (1m57) will have growth spurt and be taller than Kai, being like 5’9-5’10 (1m77)

• they’re the youngest in the group

• has been abandoned by their parents in an orphanage at a very young age because their parents are criminals (i will develop this point later because i have literally no idea for now ;-;) but they ran away because of the way kids were treated. They found Kai after a month to live in the streets and quickly bonded after a talk. Kai decided to help Lloyd after heard their story and brought them home

• when they entered in the first time in a school they’re like 5 and it was in a kindergarten and they feel really different of the others kids, feel lost and overwhelmed by all the social interactions like at the orphanage but worse and cried almost all the morning before a teacher came and help them to calm down. And it was like that for a whole week, Lloyd didn’t wanted to disappoint Kai or Nya or took the risk of being rejected again so the teacher helped them to talk to Kai when he picked them up. Kai contacted a doctor who told them to see a psychiatrist for that case. So Kai contacted his therapist who diagnosed his I.E.Dto make an appointment. She was very kind with Lloyd and after a few months she diagnosed them both autism and ADHD

• are very intelligent but started getting bag grades after 6th grade because of the school system that is absolutely terrible for them with their ADHD and autism

• they’ve been bullied since 5th grade and started developing a school phobia and since they say everything to their siblings, Kai and Nya let them stay at home when they don’t feel like to go to school

• Jay helps them handle their ADHD since he has it too and also gives them tips about their transition since Jay’s also trans. Zane give them advices on their autism since they are autistic

• are extremely good at art and their whole bedroom is literally an art studio with graffiti on their walls, a lot of finished or unfinished paintings and a LOT of sheets filled with sketches and drawings on the floor or on his desk

• own like 6-7 sketchbooks, have started them all but never finished them (yet they still hope to finish them)

• have a few hyperfixations and the biggest ones are definitely sharks and video games (Jay bought them some books about sharks and gives them some of his own video games and Cole some plushies of sharks)

• have two hoodies (one green that looks like a frog and an another black that looks like a cat) that they put on when they feel overwhelmed by the noise around them

• have tried to learn how to play guitar but failed miserably so instead they just play violin and they’re amazingly amazing at it ✨

• have wayyyyyy too much plushies that they found on thrift store, theirs siblings/friends gave them or just found them in public places being lost for days. Lloyd gaves names and pronouns to each of them

• used to wear glasses but always ended up broken either by their bullies or by themselves so Pixal and Zane designed, with the help of their parents contact lenses for their 13th birthday

• vans shoes lover

• have for best friend Akita, a girl in their class and with who they have their best laughs in class. She’s their confidante after Kai and Nya

• often skating with Cole and Morro

• teach Akita how to do skateboarding

• their fav artists are Cavetown, The Neighbourhood, Feldup (mostly known in France even tho his songs are in English) and Hozier (thanks to Kai)

• always draw in class except History and English classes, their fav (they’re kind of history nerd)

• have depression episodes more or less serious but they are cutting themselves during those and try to attempt to k!ll themselves (mostly due to bullying and their poor self esteem)

• when they have nightmares they go to sleep with their favourite plushies in Kai’s bed, with Nya when she does nightmares and they both hug Kai for comfort and warmth because Kai has a naturally hotter body temperature

• often think about how they got adopted by Kai, where and who were their parents and ask themselves why they decided to abandon them, and always end up crying, feeling useless, unworthy and unwanted

That’s it for now !! Hope your day was great if not, i hope your tomorrow will !

The next characters in the next post will be Jay, Nya and Zane ! Hope you enjoyed those headcanons I may considering to make a fanfiction based on it idk anyways bye byeee !!

[pureastrologywisdom]

𝔚𝔥𝔢𝔫 𝔞 𝔰𝔠𝔬𝔯𝔭𝔦𝔬 𝔭𝔩𝔞𝔠𝔢𝔪𝔢𝔫𝔱 𝔣𝔞𝔩𝔩𝔰 𝔬𝔲𝔱 𝔬𝔣 𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢/ 𝔢𝔵𝔭𝔢𝔯𝔦𝔢𝔫𝔠𝔢𝔰 𝔥𝔢𝔞𝔯𝔱 𝔟𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔨

dead to me - Kali Uchis

dark paradise - Lana Del Ray

To kill their feelings for you they had to kill themselves as well. If they aren’t over it they can resist change and changing just so that they have a connection to their past. Because they want so badly to stay in that place that felt so familiar and comfortable, you have to remember that scorpio is a fixed placement. When they choose someone they are stuck on them.

They may bury it and their feelings before they have truly killed them off. Doing this only means they will resurface later. It will haunt them. To get over it they have to learn not to bury it but to watch it die, to let it die in front of them and deal with the pain of seeing something the care for wither away in their heart and their mind. Only then are they ready to truly put their feelings to rest and find peace. Their fear of the intensity that that feel things can prevent them from doing this sometimes.

 Often scorpio placement can be afraid of the depth of feeling they possess, their fear is is what causes them to bury it, but this can cause an unhealthy cycle within themselves. They fear the death of things as they know they can’t go back once it is finished as it will have changed them so fundamentally that there will be no way back. But they realise there is life after death and love after love.

When they are truly over it when you next see them don’t expect to see who you used to know. you may see glimpses however the have evolved. The had to kill you to move on. until you are dead to them in their eyes they can’t move on. They hold onto things for a long time but when the let go they LET GO. 

This will be most relevant for scorpio Venuses, however it will be relatable for most scorpio placements, especially if you have a heavy amount of scorpio in your chart

Credit - pureastrowisdom

[dizscreams]

Anika Kayoko Headcanons!

bc my girl needs more love on this app 😔

When it comes to Anika I feel like she likes a partner who’s a little more confident and not afraid to express themself! But even if she has a more quiet and reserved partner she’ll love them regardless and help to get them out of their shell

She seems very observant so I feel like she could definitely tell you liked her and I think she’s a pretty bold person. So she spent a week just hanging out with you to see if she caught on to your signals right and after that week was over that’s when she confessed. Idk if that makes sense but yeah 😭

I see her with someone who’s more nerdy and smart kinda deal so definitely lots of study dates!!

She was really excited when you agreed to meet her friends! She likes dragging you to their hangouts and makes sure to tell you that you’re always welcome to hang out with them

Her love language is physical touch. argue with the wall idc idc she was always touching Mindy some way in that movie. I also see her as a words of affirmation person

She owns heart shaped sunglasses and even though she lives in nyc she wears them even when it’s slightly sunny outside. And I’m not just saying this because the lana del ray song inspired me to do so 😊 (lowkey feel like I could make a whole fic abt this 👀)

Speaking of Lana del ray she most definitely got Ethan into listening to her music and I say this because they’re both just so lana del ray coded

She takes pride in her style and her taste when it comes to fashion. I feel like she would inspire and help her partner when it comes to that kinda stuff too! I know she’d probably love giving anyone who agrees to one a little makeover

She loves giving compliments! She’s your personal hype woman 100% whenever you’re feeling down she’s with you with in a matter of seconds to help you feel better

A big skin care person. Her and her partner are doing face masks and watching movies almost every weekend

She likes going out but if her partner isn’t into it she’ll stay home for them ofc! She’d definitely like trying to push you to do things you normally wouldn’t do but she’s not overly bossy with it and she would never make you do something you’re uncomfortable with

LOVESS PLANNING DATES! She comes up with a new one everytime. Her favorite one she did was a picnic date in the park.

I feel like she’s the type of person who never learned to ride a bike. I’m not sure why I just think that and you def tease her for it 😭

these are all over the place but I hope you like them! :)

[volterran-wine]

Relationship Headcanons || Sulpicia

“Say yes to heaven, Say yes to me” ― Lana Del Ray, Say Yes To Heaven

𝐑𝐄𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐁𝐘 𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐘𝐌𝐎𝐔𝐒: "Would you be willing to do relationship Headcannons for Sulpicia? Everyday I do nothing but hope for my sapphic vampire romance 💔"

I have to agree with you dare Anonymous, who does not want to experience a wondrous sapphic vampire romance? Apologies for these headcanons being somewhat late. It is a terrible habit I have picked up, but alas... they are now here in your hands. Do enjoy.

!𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒! None.

𝐀𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬, 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐰.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

—  𝐒𝐔𝐋𝐏𝐈𝐂𝐈𝐀

Personally I see Sulpicia as a less severe version of Aro, with her own unique quirks of course. She is a cunning and beautiful woman who knows what she wants and is not afraid to go out and get it; no matter how hopeless it might seem.

In other words; any romantic partner of Sulpicia's would most likely find themselves to be the ones seduced and/or courted. A careful laid hand here, a whispered compliment there; it is hard not to fall head over heels for the woman without a care in the world.

Witty banter is something she looks for in a partner, having been rather scholarly since she was a human. If you are unable to keep up she would be rather let down.

Sulpicia’s love languages are as follows; Showing: Physical Touch and Gift Giving. Receiving: Physical Touch.

Depending on her partner's preferences; Sulpicia will gladly share her clothes with them and help dress them up before any and all occasions. If they have long enough hair for her to braid she will also be doing that every opportunity she has.

Sulpicia is fond of sharing books with her partners, often reading it first and leaving them little annotated notes about prose she thinks they may like; or perhaps dedicating a beautiful passage to her lover.

Seeing as though she sees Jane and Alec as her children, it is important for her that any lover or partner will spend time with them as well. If the twins do not like the potential partner Sulpicia will consider if the relationship is worth it or not.

If any vampire or mortal is rude towards her significant other she will and can cut the individual in question down with such verbal finesse it is terrifying. In her eyes an insult to her lovers is an insult aimed directly at her no matter what the rude passerby was intending.

Will commission (force) Caius to paint a portrait of her and her lover if ends up being a long-term commitment. The entire session is spent seeing how far they can push the pale-haired king out of his comfort zone.

Sulpicia is a fantastic dancer and will whip any romantic attachment into shape wether they liked it or not. Often she is considered the belle of any Volturi function, and she will make sure her partner look just as dazzling beneath the chandeliers.

PDA: If you are not fond of public displays of affection I will recommend not taking on Sulpicia as a lover, paramour, wife, dalliance―even a friends. I see her as a person who shows her love through physical means wether it be kisses on the cheeks, hugs or a scandalously placed hand.

Terms of endearment Sulpicia would use: Love, My heart, doll.

[tightjeansjavi]

Burning in a Hopeless Dream

Boston QZ: Part 13

“I can’t breathe”

Joel Miller x f!o/c

A/N: I couldn’t pick just one gif for this chapter 🫠 sorry, not sorry. Also, I support Joel Millers rights, and his wrongs.

Summary: 20 years have passed since out-break day. Joel hasn’t heard from his younger brother Tommy in 3 weeks. He’s terrified of the thought of losing the last member of his family. You’re afraid that you’re losing him entirely.

~word count: 5.8k~

Warnings: implied age gap, established relationship, so much fucking angst I’m so sorry. Swearing, mean! joel, protective! joel, dark! joel, possessive, joel!, violent actions have violent consequences! joel, fluff (if you squint and use a damn magnifying glass) gaslighting, arguing, brief mentions of death, graphic violence with a knife, feelings, emotions, anger, rage, (+18) minors dni !

Songs for this chapter:

“i can’t breathe” by Bea Miller

“Poison & Wine” by The Civil Wars

“exile” by T-Swift & Bon Iver

“As It Was” by Hozier

“Rage” by Samantha Margret

“I’m a Mess” by Ed Sheeran

“Feels Like We Only Go Backwards” by Tame Impala

“How to disappear” by Lana Del Ray

“Arms Of A Stranger” by Niall Horan

“Till Forever Falls Apart” by Ashe, FINNEAS

Year 2023. 20 years after out-break day : Boston QZ

Joel Miller always struggled dealing with loss of any kind. It started with losing Sarah. The grief, anger, anguish he felt in the last moments he had with her while she faded in his arms. He didn’t want to go on after that. What the fuck was the point when the world had fucking ripped his baby girl from his arms. He struggled with the possibility of losing you. Seeing you nearly bleed out on the kitchen table, his hands stained with your blood. It was too fucking much. If you would have died that night, surely he would meet his end shortly after. He knew the feeling all too well.

For the past two years, shit had been pretty sweet. Almost, too sweet. You refused to let yourself get caught up in the possibility of things going south with Joel. You wanted to live in every fucking moment you had with him. Carefree, happy, in love. You knew deep down that this wouldn’t last. You would have been naive if you believed nothing would ever come between you and Joel. The fucked up world you lived in, and the horrors that existed within, would always be there. Haunting you.

You trusted Joel with your life. He had given no reason for you to not put your full devotion into him. In more ways than one, you had saved each other. That trust mattered so fucking much to you. You were loyal to a fault. It was your fatal flaw.

Joel had been contacting his brother frequently. Tommy was the last of Joel’s blood and he would be damned if he would end up losing him too. Joel didn’t like when he felt like he had no control over a situation. It drove him up a fucking wall, devoured him skin and flesh till only his brittle bones were left. The fear of losing those he loved deeply, was constantly on his mind.

Joel had not heard from Tommy in three weeks. Three fucking weeks. He went and checked with the radio guy everyday. It was the same response of “we’re talking to the tower everyday. Nothing from Tommy.” This was not good enough for Joel. He needed to know that his younger brother was safe, that he was alive and well. Why the fuck wasn’t he responding? His mind instantly went to the worst possible outcome; Tommy being dead. It’s all he could think about.

Today with him he brought freshly rolled cigarettes, carefully tucked away in his coat pocket. He wanted answers, and he intended to get them, one way or another. He wasted no time to cut the line of other QZ residents waiting to send their message out. He didn’t care. He found himself with his elbow leaning over a rusted metal shelf. His patience was growing thin as he stood there, looming. He had a habit of playing with his fingers, picking at the dry skin around his cuticles, till they would crack and bleed. You had taken notice that he was doing this frequently now.

When it was finally his turn, he wasted no time to walk over. Plopping down into the chair with a thud as he reached into his jacket pocket and slid over the rolled cigarettes, his elbow resting along the worn wood.

“Nothin? Is there any chance it’s comin’in at night? You’re sleepin, you miss it?” Joel asked.

“When I’m sleeping, Gabriela listens, or my son.” The man spoke as he lit the cigarette, tossing the lighter to the side as he took a short inhale. The tip of the cigarette burning bright orange. “If Tommy responded, we’d know.”

Joel didn’t like the answers he was receiving. Not one fuckin bit. There had to be more information, there just had to be.

“And you’re talkin’ to the tower?”

“Every day, Joel.”

Bullshit is what he thought.

“They gave him your message, they haven’t seen or heard from him since, and that’s it.”

Lies.

“It’s been three fuckin weeks. It’s never taken Tommy more than a day to respond. Do you get that? Cause i’m startin’ to think that you ain’t seein’ the problem here.”

The man sighed, leaning forward as he held the cigarette off to the side, the smoke billowing upwards. “Joel, I'm sure Tommy is alright.”

“Show me where the tower is.”

“Joel, you can’t be serious. The tower is in Wyoming. You’re a capable guy, but there are worse things than infected out there.”

“You think I don’t fuckin realize that?” He scoffed. Crossing his arms over his chest, his jaw clenching tightly as he ground his teeth together.

“There are raiders, there’s slavers…” He trailed off.

“But you’re “sure” Tommy’s okay? Joel asked, his brow raised.

“It’s, uh, it’s the Cody tower…Q-bar 4, but I don’t know exactly–”

Joel was already up from his chair and leaving. He got the information he needed, now to devise a plan, leave the QZ, and find Tommy.

___________

Joel had no plan. No fuckin clue how he was going to get to Wyoming, but he would be damned if he didnt try. He was well aware that he wasn’t spending a lot of time with you these days. You both were working shit FEDRA jobs. Different hours, and by the time either of you would make it home, you both were too exhausted to speak.

You had known for the past few weeks that something was up with Joel. You didn’t want to pry, or make him feel like he had to tell you what was bothering him. You wanted him to come to you, tell you himself exactly what was going on. You couldn’t deny the fact that not knowing what was going on, was hurting you. It felt like he was purposely pushing you away. You didn't want to assume the worst of your lover, but it was hard not to when he was stumbling in hours past curfew, piss drunk. He would sleep with his back facing you. You wondered if this was exactly the way Tess had felt when she realized she was losing him.

You were barely sleeping most nights. Always waiting up for him, waiting for his return. You’d pretend to be asleep when the bed would dip down from his weight on it. You’d secretly pray that he’d wrap you up in his warm, strong arms finally. The moment never came and you felt so cold, so empty. You bottled it up, allowing it to devour you from the inside out.

One particular night, Joel had come stumbling in, a bottle of half drank whiskey in his grasp. He was high off something. Whatever pills he could get on. Pills that he had smuggled in for ration cards. He didn’t give a damn about his next meal. He just wanted to numb his feelings. Bury them so fuckin deep, that you, his sunlight, would never be able to reach them.

You could hear the sound of his keys clanking on the kitchen table. The front door locking shut. Then, his footsteps. His boots were heavy on the creaky floorboards. You heard his approach just outside the bedroom door, could hear his mumbling as he pushed it open, revealing your curled up form under the covers. The moonlight from the window casting a soft glow against your face. You looked beautiful, you always did.

You could hear his staggered, heavy steps. The bed dipped down beside you as he slowly sank down, the bottle of whiskey held between his knees as he leaned over and whispered, “you awake?”

You let out a sigh as you rolled over so you were facing him. Your eyes slowly fluttered open as you watched him bring the rim of the bottle to his lips, taking a long swig. “Am now.”

He was reaching for you immediately, tugging the covers that enclosed you from him.

“I need you baby, my sweet girl. Please, please, please.”

“Need to feel you.”

“Need to feel your skin on mine.”

“Please.”

“Please, baby. I’ll make you feel so fuckin good. I got you, you got me, Remember?”

He sounded half broken, teetering on the edge from the whiskey on his tongue, and the impending thoughts of losing the only person left in his blood family.

You sat up, grasping the covers between your fingers as he tried to tug them from your grasp.

“Joel, what’s wrong? What happened?” You spoke on the edge of caution given his intoxicated state.

“No. don’t wanna talk. Don’t wanna feel anythin ‘cept you.”

“Joel, you’re drunk and clearly upset over something–”

He cut you off. “M’sober enough to know that the only thing I want right now, is you. You gonna deny me that, sweet girl?” He slurred.

You found yourself at a loss for words. Your eyes focused on the bottle clutched his grasp, his knuckles turning white from the tight hold he had on the bottle. For a moment, you were afraid that it would shatter in his palm. He looked at you, his dark brown eyes glazed over, emotion swirling behind his darkened pupils. He brought the rim of the bottle up to his lips, taking another long swig as he stared through you. The look he gave you sent an un-welcomed chill down your spine.

You reached for the bottle, not wanting him to use liquor to cope with whatever it was that he was actively going through. You brought your hand around his wrist as you gently pried his fingers from the tight grasp they had on the bottle. He didn’t move to stop you as you took the bottle from him, placing it down on the nightstand, next to your knife, and far from his reach. You had kept the flower crown that you made him 2 years ago. The flowers were wilted and dried, but the memory remained. Alongside was the polaroid photo of you and Joel in the field of wildflowers. Now, just another distant memory.

“Enough of that, okay? I know the liquor is good. I know it helps, I know it brings you comfort, but you’re not gonna sit here and hide from me, okay? Please, Joel. Tell me what’s going on. Let me help you, please.”

“S’okay. Can just get another bottle. M’not gonna fight you. Love you too much to do somethin like that. Would be hurtin myself in the process, more than I already have.”

You were reaching for his face, gently sliding your warm palms around his cheeks. Your thumbs were lightly stroking the highest points of his cheek bones. He averted his eyes from your gaze then. He didn’t want you to see him like this. Anger started to simmer, bubble, blister in the pit of his stomach. You shouldn’t be taking care of him like this. He should be taking care of you. He was supposed to be the strong one, the tough one, the protector. Especially now. He didn't believe that he deserved your comfort, not now. Not when he was like this, a shell of a man.

“You don’t want me like this, honey? You don’t want me anymore?” He spoke with a low drawl, his words slurring together.

“Joel, don’t start with that. You damn well know that’s not true.”

“Then why can’t you give me what I want? I ain’t askin’ for much. Why can’t you give that to me? Why won’t you let me? You’re breakin’ my fuckin’ heart baby.”

“You’re drunk, Joel. I can fuckin taste the whiskey on your breath from here. I’m not gonna take advantage of you when you're in this state. Do you hear me? You deserve so much fuckin more than that.” You tried to coax him to look at you, dragging your fingers against his jaw, but he wouldn’t budge.

He scoffed under his breath, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. “Since when has a little liquor stopped us, huh? Sweet girl, just tell me that you don’t want me anymore. S’okay, I can take it. I can handle it. Gotta leave this shit hole soon anyway.” He admitted.

“Those times were different Joel, and you know it.” You continued to gently hold his face, hoping that somehow you could get through to him. “Please stop saying that I don’t want you. That’s fuckin bull, and if you’re gonna act like a fuckin asshole right now–What’re you talking about leaving?”

“Tommy. I haven’t heard from Tommy in three fuckin weeks. He could be dead for all I know. He could be fuckin’ dead, and I ain’t gonna sit here and not do somethin’ about it. I found out that the radio tower is in Wyoming. I’m gonna trade some shit for a car battery, find a truck outside the QZ, and I'm gonna go find him.”

You let out a deep, slow sigh when Joel finally told you the reason why he was piss drunk and acting this way. Maybe you hadn’t lost him after all. Maybe, just maybe.

“You’re not going alone Joel. You’re not going to Wyoming by your fucking self. Don’t think for a second that i’m going to let you go on a suicide mission like that.”

Joel couldn’t help but let out a chuckle, his head dropping between your hands for a moment before he lifted it slightly to look up at you. “It ain’t your fuckin choice to make ‘darlin.” You’re not gonna stop me, and I ain’t leavin’ my fuckin’ brother out there Gwen. You just don’t fuckin get it, do you?” His tone was harsh, jagged and laced with venom. He placed his hands over your small ones and ripped them from his face as he staggered up from the bedside.

“I never said I was going to stop you Joel. All I said was that you’re not fucking going alone. The fuck do you mean I don’t get it? What don’t I understand?” Your heart clenched in on itself from how he was speaking to you. You felt like a cornered animal, fearful of what was to come next. Teeth bared, snarling, with fear stricken eyes.

“You ain’t have any family left to understand.” He knew he struck a nerve with you just by the way your face immediately fell. You were visibly taken aback. His words sliced through you, cutting your heart up into tiny pieces, piercing your lungs.

“Fuck you. How fucking dare you–” You paused with your hands balling up in fists at your sides. “I may not have any fucking family left Joel, but that doesn’t mean that you get to stand there and tell me that I don’t understand what you’re going through.”

His jaw clenched harshly through the soft, casting moonlight. His own hands were at his sides, balled up in fists. All he wanted was your comfort. He nearly begged for it, but you wouldn’t give in. Why wouldn’t you give in? Let him bury his feelings away, deep between your legs. Your denial etched deep into him, reaching the cavern of his heart. He’d never force you, never would dare harm you.

He never learned how to handle loss well. He found it so easy to slip back into his old patterns. They welcomed him in with tender touches, warm whispers, as darkness enclosed around his heart.

His boots were heavy on the creaky floorboards as he took a few steps towards you. He didn’t speak, and he refused to meet your eyes as he reached around you, snatching the bottle back up from the nightstand. For a brief moment, he thought about giving in. Apologizing for being so mean, so cruel. Allow himself to crumple in your lap, and soak his heavy tears against your chest.

He didn’t want that. He wanted to suffer through his feelings, alone.

“Joel..” Your voice was hesitant, timid, nervous. There were tears already threatening to spill over as you struggled to hold them at bay.

He didn’t say a word. Even as your hand reached out for his wrist, eyes pleading with him. He didn’t give in. He was already walking back to the open doorway, bringing the bottle up to his lips as he took another painful swig.

“Why are you doing this? Baby, why won’t you let me help you? Please…you don’t have to go through this alone. I got you, you got me, always. Remember?”

“M’sleepin on the couch.” He finally responded. “Want to be alone, and if you know what’s good for you, you won’t follow me.”

“Joel…”

“You fuckin deaf or somethin ‘darlin?” I said, leave.me.alone.”

Your emotions boiled over, tears blurring your vision as you reached for your knife on the nightstand. Gripping the familiar handle in your grasp. in one swift movement, you threw your knife at the door, purposely missing his head. The blade embedded into the worn, paint peeled door. The edge of the blade just barely grazed his ear, drawing blood from the thin skin. You had warm tears streaming down your cheekbones, your breaths heavy as Joel looked at you, stunned.

He reached his hand up, brushing his finger tip against his ear, feeling a cool wetness. He brought his finger down, observing the droplets of maroon against his skin. He chuckled, amusement in his tone.

“You missed.”

He yanked your knife from the door.

“It was on purpose Joel. You damn well know how good my aim is.”

He hummed lightly as he twirled the knife with ease. “You picture stickin’ me between the eyes when you threw it?”

“No. I imagined it nailing you in the fucking heart, you asshole.”

“Ouch. That really hurts, sweet girl.” He twirled it once more, looking at your broken, beautiful face. His presence was no longer looming in the doorway. He was gone.

You did not see Joel Miller for the next 4 days. You counted every single fucking one of them.

You waited up for him each night, praying he would come home, he didn’t. Night four you were worried something had happened to him. Your spiraling mind immediately goes to the worst possible outcome; Joel, dead in a ditch somewhere. Second outcome, he found someone else. Someone that wasn’t you. No. There was no fucking way he found someone. He would never. You kept telling yourself that neither outcome was true. It was hours past curfew, the streets were quiet as you packed your bag. Grabbing your spare knife, and pistol. You were wearing one of his flannels as you headed out into the darkness of night to find him.

________________

*one day prior*

Joel was pissed. (surprise, surprise). He was furious with himself, and you. Mostly himself, for being a goddamn fucking asshole. It was easy to continue to drink the pain away, numb all his feelings. Maybe he could consume so much fucking liquor, he could forget what your face looked like.

That was a laughable thought to have. You were unforgettable. Mother fucker, were you so goddamn unforgettable. The worst part? He was reminded of how cruel he was to you each time he looked down at your stupid fucking knife. The handle was well worn, but when he saw your initials carved into the thick wood, he lost it. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

He needed something, someone, to let his anger explode out on.

All it took was two QZ residents to look at him the wrong way. Long enough that he didn’t even think of the consequences of his actions. Fuck the consequences. Fuck FEDRA, fuck the Firefly’s, fuck the infected, and fuck this world.

He followed the two suckers down an alley, hearing them laughing about god knows what. He recognized them. One of the fuckers had given Tess and Bea dirty looks for holding hands in the community center. The other? Had the hots for you. Unashamedly would check you out while you were working alongside Joel. Two excuses for human beings is all he saw as he crept down the alley. His footsteps were light, quiet, unheard.

He had only meant to teach them a lesson. Rough ‘em up a bit. Cuts, bruises, black eye maybe a broken wrist, or two. Then he heard the one guy say your name. Joel Miller was seeing red. These fuckers didn’t stand a chance. Your knife in his grasp as he spilled the filth of their crimson blood along the concrete.

It was a reckless decision, spur of the moment, and fueled by his rage. He would pay the brutal consequences of his actions, shortly after.

The tip of his knife was dripping with the congealed blood of his victims. His breaths, heavy and jagged as he came to his senses.

Too late.

“Fuck.”

Shouting, FEDRA soldiers, the wind whipping in his ears as he ran.

Had he left the crime scene quicker, he probably would have escaped. Not only was he out past curfew, but he had just brutally murdered two QZ residents. Whoops.

It didn’t take long for the FEDRA fucks to catch him, rough him up, and throw him in lockup. His life was spared simply for the fact that he had two of the soldiers wrapped around his finger, all because of a packet of pills.

The amount of liquor in his system numbed his pain receptors. He couldn’t feel shit as he was thrown into a cell.

___________

*present time*

You were incredibly cautious as you headed out onto the dark streets. You knew your decision to go looking for Joel past curfew, was a reckless one. Did you care? Not one fucking bit.

You flattened your back against a crumbling brick wall as two FEDRA soldiers passed, talking amongst each other.

“You know he doesn’t deserve to live, right? You saw what he did, man. There was so much fuckin blood.”

“He’ll get what’s coming for him eventually. If we kill him, who the hell is gonna keep getting us high?”

“Fair point.”

You were silent as their footsteps sounded further and further away. You knew they were talking about Joel; your Joel. You let out a soft breath as you crept from your hiding place. Joel had killed two people; fact. Joel was also alive, and that’s all you could think about now.

You knew exactly where Joel would be. So you waited outside the building, silently devising a plan for how you were going to bust him out of there, before FEDRA could change their mind.

Your silent thoughts were interrupted when you heard a heavy metal door creak open, the sound of a grunt, followed by a thud of a body hitting the concrete. You knew right away that it was Joel.

He was pulling himself up from the concrete, staggering to his feet and by his posture alone, you could tell he was in pain. “Motherfucker.” He grunted to himself.

You made your presence known as you appeared from behind the wall. He didn’t see you at first, but when he heard stray rocks crunching beneath boots, he was on high alert.

“Joel.”

He whipped around, nearly giving himself whiplash from the fast movement. Your voice was all too distinguishable.

“What in god’s fucking name are you doin’ out here?!” He was already walking towards you, his eyes locked on yours.

“Are you fuckin’ insane ‘darlin? Or are you just fuckin’ stupid?” He continued, waiting for you to flinch from his tone, or take a step back. You did neither.

“You tryin’ to get your ass thrown in lockup too?! Fuckin’ answer me Gwen!”

He was close enough now that you could see his split upper lip, ugly purple and blue bruising along his beautiful jaw, and his black eye. In a fury, you had grabbed his face in your palms gently, searching his eyes.

“Who the fuck did this to you?”

He was taken aback by your gentle touch, he expected you to be rough on him from the way he treated you, but you were the complete fucking opposite.

“Who fucking did this to you Joel?!” You harshly whispered.

He chuckled as he looked into your eyes, “FEDRA. Got thrown in lockup, obviously. Now answer me. What the fuck are you–”

You cut him off, ignoring his question. You knew the answer as to why he was thrown in lockup. You wanted to hear it from his own mouth, in his words.

“What the fuck did you do to get thrown in lockup?” You demanded.

He sneered at you. His face hurt from the movement but he didn’t care.

“Wouldn’t you like to know ‘darlin.”

You let go of his face and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, harshly yanking it.

“Yeah, cowboy. I would fuckin like to know.”

He leaned in, his breath hot on your face as he spoke, “killed a couple of fuckers with your knife. Felt fuckin good. Thought of you as their blood spilled out on the fuckin’ concrete. Thought of you the whole time baby.” He spat.

You didn’t even skip a fucking beat from his confession. You already knew the truth after all, and there was no reason for you to be shocked.

“Yeah? You thought of me? Did they deserve it?”

“Didn’t like the way they were lookin’ at me. Wanted to teach ‘em a lesson, and I got carried away. One of ‘em gave Beatrix a dirty look for holdin’ Tess’s hand a while back. The other? He had the hots for you. Always lookin’ at you, checkin’ you out. They both deserved it.”

“Y’know you can’t just go and kill people cause they looked at you the wrong way Joel.”

“I know, but I'd be lyin’ to your face if I told ya it didn’t feel good. They were scumbags, and they had it ‘comin.”

“Did you really have to go and kill them with my knife though?” You asked, your hands were still gripping the collar of his shirt tightly.

“Considerin’ you threw it at my fuckin’ head, yeah. Felt poetic.”

You let out a sigh, loosening your grip on him slightly, your anger was still simmering.

“You gonna’ answer my question now? Gonna’ tell me why in the hell you’re out here past fuckin’ curfew nonetheless?”

“You haven’t come home in 4 fuckin days Joel. I was worried that something had happened. That you were fucking dead in a goddamn ditch somewhere. I’m perfectly aware of the consequences of being out past curfew, Joel. I don’t care about the consequences. I just had to make sure that you were okay.”

He was in disbelief. His brows were furrowed in as you explained yourself.

“What’re you doin’ givin’ a fuck about me after the way I treated you, sweet girl. What is fuckin’ wrong with you? You shoulda’ been wishin’, prayin’ that I was dead.”

You laughed, your voice cracking slightly because how could this man be so fucking stupid?

“What makes you think that I wouldn’t care? You think that I can just erase you that easily, Joel? You think for a second that I wouldn’t fucking come looking for you?”

He opened his mouth to speak, no words were formed, he looked like a fucking blubbering fish.

“Save it. I don’t want to hear you say some bullshit about how I deserve better. I’m too good for you, blah blah blah. Fucking swallow those words right now Joel.”

He clenched his jaw, grinding his teeth together.

“Yes ma'am.” He whispered.

You wasted no time grabbing his hand, taking him back home, despite his protests.

The shower started shortly after you arrived home. Your movements were slow, gentle, careful as you removed his shirt from the hem. You found new scars blooming on his beautiful skin. Despite the fact that you were emotionally hurt by this man, you refused to let him suffer alone. You pressed a light kiss to his soft tummy, just above the navel.

“Baby Doll, what’re you–”

“Shuddup Joel.”

You tossed his shirt to the side before you undid his belt buckle, listening to the clanking of metal as you carefully shimmied his jeans down his legs with his boxers. You kept your gaze locked on his eyes as you discarded his clothes. You ignored the feeling of his hands along your waist, his own touch was delicate, comforting. You pushed his hands off of you as you gestured to the shower.

“Get in.”

“Gwen, please–”

“Get in the fucking shower Joel.”

He let out a pained sigh, bringing his hands down to his sides as he stepped under the cold stream of water. It felt like knives and needles stabbing into his back all at once.

You were already turning on your heel, attempting to leave till his hand reached out, wrapping around your wrist as he pulled you under the stream with him.

“Joel what the fuck are you doing–”

“Please. Please, darlin’ don’t go. Please, I'm sorry.” He begged, his tone rasping.

Your clothes were already being soaked through as he pulled you into his chest, holding you firmly against him.

“Please don’t leave me.”

You let out a sigh, slowly turning around in his arms so you were facing him.

“Apologies are not going to fix this Joel.”

“I know honey, I know. I promise I will make it up to you.”

You didn’t respond. Instead, you reached around him and grabbed what was left of the bar of soap. You gently wiped away the dirt, dried blood, and filth from his skin. You let him hold you, but you refused to fully give in. He was smart enough, respectful enough, to not try anything funny.

_________________

The nightmares started shortly after you brought Joel back home. Each night they got worse and it killed you inside to see him suffer like this. You were torn up. Joel had hurt you, you hurt him and it was beginning to feel like a vicious, endless cycle.

On this particular night, it was storming. The wind howled as the heavy rain pelted against the windows. Flashes of bright, white lighting struck against the black sky, and rumbles of thunder followed shortly after. You could hear Joel mumbling in his sleep, his back facing you. He mumbled Sarah’s name, Tommy. His tone was strained, pained. “You’re okay. Please, you’re okay. Move your hand, baby.” “Tommy, help me!” He was twitching under the covers, his body was trembling, there was cold sweat dripping down his bare back, chest, and forehead.

You wanted to pretend that you couldn’t hear his mumbles, his pained cries for his dead daughter and assumably alive brother. You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to block him out entirely, but you couldn’t. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t stop caring about this man.

You rolled over so you were facing his back and placed your hand between his shoulder blades. Your fingers splayed across his sweat soaked skin.

“Joel. Baby, wake up.” You whispered.

You received no response, even as you gently shook him.

“Joel. wake up, you’re having a nightmare. Wake up baby, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m here.”

You shook him once more, a little firmer this time and he suddenly shot up from under the covers. His eyes were wide, frantic as he looked around. His wild gaze finally landed on you. His chest was rising and falling harshly, his nostrils flared and he looked like he was in a daze.

“Joel. Hey, honey. It’s okay. You’re okay, you’re safe.”

He was reaching for you, wrapping his arms around your waist as he yanked you to his chest, pulling you into his lap.

Your thighs instinctively wrapped around his hips as you brought your hands up to his face, gently holding his cheeks in your warm palms, while his sweaty forehead rested against yours.

“Sarah..she–she. My baby girl–”

“I know baby..I'm sorry.” You gently stroked your thumbs against his cheekbones as his tears began to freely fall, his body still trembling under your gentle grasp.

“Tommy he–he.”

“He’s alive Joel. I promise you, he’s alive.”

“We don’t know. We–we don’t. He’s all I have left of my family. He’s the only one left.”

“I know he is Joel. I know, and I understand. You’re safe, and you don’t need to go through this alone. Okay? I know how you feel right now baby. I felt the same things you are feeling right now, after they died.”

He pulled back slightly, his brows furrowed in as he looked at you.

“Tell me how they died, please. I-I–want to know.”

“I had to kill them, Joel; My parents. It was just the three of us at one point. I was twenty. Came home one day, everything seemed normal. We were sitting around the dinner table and they were..something was off. They had this..this dead look in their eyes. They weren’t talking and then, I just knew. I fucking knew they were infected. I had no time to mourn Joel. They lunged at me and I took my knife, and killed them. Their only child, their only daughter, killed them. I left Michigan after that. Left the ranch, left my home, and never returned.”

Joel was at a loss for words. He could not even begin to fathom what you had gone through. He felt entirely guilty for saying that you couldn’t understand what he was going through. You knew his pain all too well. He held you as close as he physically could. His grip around your waist was firm, yet gentle. God, he felt terrible.

“Honey, baby, I'm so sorry..I’m so sorry that you had to go through that.”

“Joel, please do not feel sorry for me. Okay? I did what I had to do to survive. It was either me, or them. I was left with no other choice.”

“I don’t care, my sweet girl. You should have never had to go through that.”

“I endured it, Joel. I mourned, I moved on. Ran right into you. The point is, you shouldn’t feel alone. You don’t have to be, okay? Please don’t push me away. I know how easy it is to dig yourself into a hole, let the walls cave in. I know exactly what you’re feeling, and I am right here for you. I’m not going anywhere.”

“We have to do somethin’ I can’t just leave him out there Gwen.”

“I know. That’s why you and I are going to go look for Tommy, together. We’re gonna get that car battery, leave the QZ, and go to Wyoming. I’ll go anywhere with you. I got you, you got me, always.”

He took a deep breath, while he allowed your words, and the significance they held, wash over him.

He gave you a small nod, stroking his thumbs along the soft skin of your lower back.

“You got me, I got you, always.”

It was true, you’d follow Joel Miller, your fellow, your guy, anywhere.

Chapter 14:

[axelsagewrites]

Modern Aemond Headcannons

Masterlist Here

Aemond is a book nerd till he dies

he likes to play it off like he’s all cool and mysterious

‘ooo, I have scars ooo I wear a leather jacket ooo im always reading’

When in reality he is a ball of freakin sunshine who’s too afraid to show it

He’s silent and stoic around everyone

Except his friends

With them he is the loudest in the room

Always cracking jokes

Meaning when he does crack a joke around the family everyone is always on the floor laughing

It’s his favourite thing

But he refuses to admit it so just puts on a sly smile

He does have a scar but not with as tragic a backstory

Jace accidentally pushed him too hard on a climbing frame as kids

All it takes is Aemond rubbing his eye and Jace is apologising on his knees

Aemond doesn’t hold it against him and neither does Alicent

Aemond is defiantly in therapy

But he also defiantly lies and says he’s going to the mall instead of telling his mother the truth

However, when he does go to the mall he spends all his money on hair care

He’s the most mature sibling

However when they’re not looking he’s fucking things up behind the scenes

Moving Aegon’s game discs into the wrong case

Moving the couch, a couple inches back to fuck with his dad

Moving Helena bug collection slightly to throw her off

The small things

It gives him so much joy  to watch their confused faces

He defiantly gets the highest grades out of three

He offers to tutor both his siblings

He is being genuine but both of them think he’s making fun of them

Listens to Taylor swift, harry styles, and Lana del ray

But ask what he’s listening to and he’ll say Artic Monkeys

However as a song he is the living version of ‘are you satisfied?’ by MARINA

[l1zzygr4ntforever]

and i'm america's sweetheart, chic, delicious, sweetart

♡°♡°♡°♡°♡°♡°♡°♡°♡°♡°♡

[girl-afraid1]

i love these so much

[may--hawk]

Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd (ineffable remix)

XXIV. Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd - Lana Del Ray

When’s it gonna be my turn? / Open me up, tell me you like me

One of the first things Aziraphale does when he gets up to Heaven is request access to the Earth observation files. It’s terrifying how expansive they are. He can see back through time, all the way to Eden. He can see the Flood, which he’d hoped to never see again. Can see inside a palace in the sixteenth century with lovely dark tapestries and lurking shadows. Can see altogether too much of a park in the late nineteenth century where he and Crowley argue. Can see the bombed-out remains of a church, and an angel standing in its ruins like a stunned statue. From up in Heaven, Aziraphale can look at all the wonders of the world, even those long lost to time and buried. He can see inside the pyramids, can see the gardens of Babylon. He can see all the way down to the bottom of the oceans, littered with skeletal shipwrecks haunted by the strangest of Her creatures, unsettling fish and beasts flickering through the waters, and Aziraphale wonders, do they know fear? Do they want? Do they love?

Aziraphale can see everything from his vantage point in Heaven, and it terrifies him. He’d been right all along. They’d been watched constantly, or could have been, or could still be. He’d been right to be afraid, or perhaps, he thinks, raising a hand to his lips, a hand that is now almost entirely steady, perhaps he’d been wrong, too. Because if the files are this expansive, then he and Crowley had been doomed from the start. They should’ve done it anyway. They could’ve done anything they wanted. They always were going to be seen, always going to be parted.

Aziraphale looks, and he sees vast paddies of rice, sees rolling green mountains, sees arid deserts. He’s looking for Crowley, of course. Except in every place he looks, every place he thinks Crowley might be - sprawled out on the sofa in the bookshop, or terrorizing the plants in Kew Gardens, or drinking at the little bar he’d loved just down the street and pretended not to - Crowley’s not there. He knows Crowley’s still down on Earth somewhere, knows that for all his talk, he won’t leave Earth, not now. Not without Aziraphale. So Aziraphale keeps looking, and looking. From up here, everywhere he looks he seems to see humans in love: sees them walking down the street and holding hands, sees them making love, sees them doing small little things for each other or weeping over a grave or…

When he finally finds Crowley, he’s in the Garden. Aziraphale’s not wholly surprised. Of course Crowley had found a way through the walls Aziraphale had sealed up at God’s direction. Crowley had always known how to get through Aziraphale’s walls. Goats turned into crows. A long draught of laudanum. A bagful of rescued books. Crowley’s slumped against the Tree of Knowledge, his long legs bent, his head in this hands. A dark streak on the bright grass, a snake in Paradise. And Aziraphale watches, and something aches in his chest, something that has started only recently, something he knows will not stop, perhaps not ever, not now that it has been released.

Aziraphale is very, very good at walls. He had built the first wall. She had tasked him with it, and he had built the walls of Eden much like Crowley had built his nebula. Aziraphale had completed it according to her instructions, and then stepped back, confused, because it wasn’t complete, not yet.

The strongest walls are finished over time, She had said to him.

And oh, he learned how right She was. He had watched humans love for millennia, from the very first, and he had wanted. Oh, that was his failing, what made him a bad angel, what profaned his very soul. It wasn’t the disobedience, wasn’t the forsaken sword, wasn’t the fraternizing with the enemy. It was the want, the need, the suggestion that She wasn’t enough, that there was something else he lacked. Over hundreds of years, thousands, even, he had penned up his longing, terrified at what it might suggest, terrified at its enormity. And Crowley spent just as long slowly chipping at it, testing it with a chisel all over, lightly, for faults. And for a terribly long time he hadn’t found any. Aziraphale had enjoyed it, perversely, had rejoiced in the unfailing strength of his walls, thinking them infallible, strong enough to withstand anything. And inside those walls his want, his longing, his love, had festered like a disease, something awful and ruinous, and Aziraphale had not known it himself, because his walls were so high, and so strong, that even he could not see in.

And then Crowley had found the weak spot after all, had crossed the bookshop in one long desperate movement and had struck out, his mouth on Aziraphale’s, his shoulders, under Aziraphale’s hands, trembling very slightly, and Aziraphale’s walls had come tumbling down in one blow, the entire thing structurally unsound all this time, a danger to all standing around it. And now here Aziraphale is, expose in his wants, his desire a raw wound, and what can he do with it now? It bleeds from him, seeping, like an ocean. Limitless, vast, full of terrible, unknown things. And always, all this time, there.

Also on Ao3 at:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/52878844/chapters/139815103

[diddybok]

born to die | minho

all characters depicted in my writing are from my own imagination and do NOT in anyway represent nor reflect the people in real life :)

➩pairing: minho x gn!reader

➩genre(s): ANGST, fluff, smut, non-idol!au, switch!minho

➩warnings: death, smoking, pet names, sexual themes (18+) sex (unprotected- pls use protection!), explicit language, people watching (not sexual!) [anything else i have missed]

➩summary: a story based on the song ‘born to die’ by lana del ray. minho was the chosen victim i’m afraid.

➩wc: 5k (5,046)

➩author’s note: i am so sorry.

don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry.

Cold, wet, miserable. The transition from autumn to winter makes itself known harsher than it has ever done before. As the wind cries, an acrimonious chill soars through the air looking to communicate with the souls that are derived of their light.

Minho walks down the desolate street playing with his lighter. A custom made lighter; a muted grey with the engraving of a peacock feather on it. A gift he got on his birthday from an old friend. It packs quite a punch he must say.

He takes one last long drag from his cigarette, taking back the nicotine to fill his lungs before freeing the smoke to dance through the smog. It feels familiar, the taste of nicotine on his tongue. It has been a while since he has smoked. He didn’t miss it per-say, but fuck did it have its way of ebbing the pain.

A brown weathered bench comes into his line of view. He sits at this bench so much that he has assessed the best and worst parts of it to sit on. He collapses down, slightly off-centre and releases a long sigh.

Dawn is his favourite time of the day. The route he can walk with his eyes closed allows him to pass by the type of people he finds pleasure in watching. Minho was adroit at reading people. He much preferred to observe rather than enter a conversation in which he would need to cue his laughs and pretend to be sympathetic towards people who, he concluded, deserved nothing but to get castrated.

05:29am, right on time. Paul flits around the corner and continues down the path. Minho monitors the morning runner closely, counting his steps. Usually Paul does four hundred down this path before he is out of sight. His strides are longer today, seems he wants to get his run over and done with.

Minho likes Paul, though he’s never interacted with him. He needs not to, him watching from afar every dawn for the past ten months has made Paul the closest person he can refer to as a friend in his life currently.

Sad? Far worse. Depressing.

Things in his life changed drastically when you left him. You…your name leaves a vexatious taste in his mouth. It ire’s him just how easily you ruined him. He didn’t think he could possibly hate anyone on this planet as much as he does you. All because you broke the promises you made him.

He hates you. He doesn’t think he will ever stop hating you. He can’t, he won’t.

The friends he did have, he casted them aside. Dropped them like a tree ridding itself of its leaves. Every now and then one of his old friends, Chris, checks up on him. Whether it be sending him a letter -Minho had blocked his number- or a care package. He can’t deny the fact that it really pisses him off.

There goes Vanessa, or as people formally call her, Miss Phillips. He discovered that she is a teacher who specialises in helping children with special needs. Minho is quite fond of Vanessa. He usually likes to guess what style her hair will be next. She untucks her hair from her coat, braids. He hisses and shakes his head slightly as he guessed wrong again.

Minho reaches for the cold flip lighter and runs his thumb over the engraving. Never one to believe in superstitions, he thinks about the argument on whether a peacock feather brings good or bad luck.

It attracted the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in this world. For that, he was beyond grateful for this small object. Until the thing that was so beautiful became cold, unknown, and cause him the worst ache of all. Ache from the heart that shattered into many, many minuscule pieces. One that he knows can never be meticulously mended.

He shouldn’t be thinking about that, about you. His therapist strongly advises against such and directs him to remember his two little people he keeps an eye on. ‘Paul and Vanessa, just think about Paul and Vanessa. You have formed some sort of relationship with them in which you have developed a fidelity. They aren’t any the wiser, but they are a reason for you holding on and gravitating your mind to moving forward.’ His therapist had said.

Minho’s hands start to shake and not due to the cold air. He curses to himself as he opens his cigarette box to find it empty. He was perturbed by his thoughts and needed to rid his growing anxiety before he has an attack.

The universe astutely discerns the situation, for a small friendly body rubs against his calf. Purring fills his senses and he looks down to see the stray cat staring up at him.

The cat seems to mimic his every move. He lifts an arm, the cat lifts its paw to touch his leg. He tilts his head, the cat does the same. If Minho clenches his fist tightly in his lap, then the cat rubs on his calf to soothe him.

It doesn’t take long for a decision to be made, for he and the cat coalesce. He gently picks it up and continues his journey home. The cat immediately becoming the third most important thing in his life.

──・──・・✿ ・・──・──

come and take a walk on the wild side. let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain.

“Honey?”

“In here!”

Minho follows the sound of your voice, finding you snuggled up in a blanket snacking on some popcorn and listening to some music. You turn to acknowledge him and he physically feels his heart swell. The way you look at him with such light and love is enough for it to be his main source of oxygen. God he is painfully in love with you.

“Hello my darling, how was work?” You ask with a tilt of your head. His heart skipped a beat.

“It was irritating,” he moves to lay on you, resting his head on your stomach as your hands find their way to his head, “Chris is annoying me again.” He says with a roll of his eyes. You chuckle lightly at that.

“Did he put his lunch in your designated spot in the fridge again? Or was it that he offered you an iced latte instead of an Americano? Oh! Maybe he asked whether you were free this weekend and asked you to hang out? Or-”

You are cut off with a rambunctious groan that makes you erupt in a fit of laughter. Minho goes to roll off you irked by your teasing, but you trap him with your legs and apologise by smothering his face in kisses.

Hearing just some of the things that he relayed to you about his days at work made him sound ridiculous for even being annoyed at such things.

You have an extraordinary way of doing that. Reminding him that he’s being too pessimistic about life without explicitly saying so. He realistically doesn’t need to be pessimistic anymore. Not when he has you in his life, you are warm sun to shine through his cold grey skies.

It’s astounding just how long he was able to survive before you. You have moulded him unknowingly into a man capable of loving someone to an extent which is unearthly. He is your paean to how beautiful love can be and you are his saviour.

“What’s going on in that pretty head?” You ask, rubbing your hands up and down his back. It should not surprise him how well you know him.

“Do you know how much you mean to me? I can’t breathe without you Y/n. That’s frightening. I never thought I could genuinely be so happy. I never knew what love was until you y’know?” Minho says.

He can feel your breath quicken and your heartbeat increase, but you’re silent. So he continues.

“I truly think, no, I know you make me a better man. I don’t know why I am being sentimental right now, I think you have me in a lifelong trance.” He lifts his head up, resting his chin on your chest. He watches a tear fall from your eye. He wishes in that exact moment, that he could read people’s minds. Read your mind.

“Why must you do that to me unprovoked?” You sob. It’s his turn to comfort you as he manoeuvres his way out of the position you both currently hold. He lifts you gently and places you on top of him to which you bury your face in his neck.

The pitter-patter of rain starts to make itself known as the weather mimics your mood. Minho enjoys the rain though, it soothes him. Much like you soothe him. It’s strange, he can see the similarities between you and droplets of rain. Both refresh and cool him down when he’s too hot. Both make sounds that immediately puts him into a tranquil state. Both necessary to the world to make the flowers bloom and the grass look greener.

You are his rain.

He runs his fingers along your spine as you mutter incomprehensible words. If he had to guess you are telling him that he’s a villain for making you feel such a way randomly in the day. You referred to him as such before.

Minho is a prick, albeit a lovable one; a prick nonetheless. He loves the way you react to his spontaneous outbursts of reasons why he loves you. Maybe it’s the way you look so adorable when you cry. Maybe it’s the way you will always cling to him after he does so. Whatever the reason, it only makes his heart grow fonder.

The room is filled with your sniffles here and there, low music, and the sound of heavy rain hitting the window.

Minho lays with you, his eyes closed, swaying you gently.

“Do you want to go and play in the rain?” He says breaking the rhythm of sounds.

“Do I want to go and play in the rain?” You echo, laughing, “No, I don’t want to get my hair wet.”

“You can wear my hoodie and my raincoat?” He suggests. You look up at him, sitting up fully. He just smiles at you, awaiting your response.

“You really are serious…wow.”

“It’ll be fun, come on!” He exclaims picking you up with him as he gets up from the sofa. He goes to grab a hoodie of his, one of your favourite ones to wear. He tucks your hair inside of the hood and pulls the drawstrings to tighten it around your face.

He laces the string with a bow and kisses the tip of your nose. He then runs to get his raincoat and swiftly encloses you inside of it. He laughs at you.

“What?” You say feigning annoyance with a tilt of your head.

“Nothing…” He hums with laughter. “You just remind me of an Ewok” He laughs pinching your cheeks. You scrunch your face up due to the attack of his fingers and try to bat him away.

“You basically just called me a tiny bear.” You groan.

“My cute tiny bear. Come.” He grabs your hand and leads you towards the front door so you can both put on your shoes. He glances you way, shooting you an ‘Are you ready?’ look, to which you just roll your eyes at him.

He doesn’t give you another second to change your mind, him basically lifting you off your feet and into the empty street. You squeal as the rain comes down hard, instantaneously soaking both Minho and you.

Minho closes his eyes and raises his head to the sky, letting the rain trickle down his face. He laughs and then looks down at you. Staring up at him, you look at him like he is the only person ever. He scans your face, taking in your beauty. He is too in awe to speak, instead choosing to try and contain his smile by biting his lip. It doesn’t work.

“I’ll love you forever.” You say loudly over the rain. Minho’s heart stops beating for several moments.

“Promise me that, my love.” He says, cupping your face in both of his hands. His thumbs rest just beneath your eyes and he wipes the water away from them.

“I promise.”

He kisses you deeply, lovingly, passionately. And the both of you stand there in the pouring rain, smiling through your kisses and failing to suppress your laughter.

It was in that moment, that you two were the only people in the world. The two brightest of stars, conjoining to rival the sun.

──・──・・✿ ・・──・──

choose your last words, this is the last time

Minho paces back and forth in front of your driveway before approaching your door. He messed up big time, so he keeps being told by your friend Jeongin. He has always found your friends tiresome. Why being sent a paragraph long text of middle finger emoji’s is warranted for his jealousy? He will never know.

He isn’t quite sure how to say he is sorry for what he did. He trusts you. Of course he trusts you, it’s you. You would never do anything to hurt him, let alone in spite of his childish moods.

He musters up enough courage to knock on your front door. Yet as he was about to, he retracts his hand. What if this is something you will never forgive him for? That can’t possibly be an outcome of all this. Can’t it?

He backs away from the door, pacing again. To any of your neighbours, he must look like some creep trying to talk himself into breaking into your house. It’s best he just be brave and-

“Minho?”

He freezes in his tracks as he sees you in your pyjamas, carrying a trash bag. If your face didn’t hold that nasty scowl directed towards him, he would have thought you looked cute in the set he got you for your birthday. You clear your throat. Right, he is here to plead his case.

“Hey…bin collection day tomorrow?”

An awful start.

You brush past him, throwing the bag into the bin. He watches you awkwardly, placing a hand on the back of his neck.

You walk back inside, but open the door wider. Taking that as his cue to go inside, he scurries in, sure to be quick as to keep the warmth inside.

You immediately head to your room and he sheepishly follows, acting as if he doesn’t know the layout of your house by memory.

As you both enter your room, you go off to the bathroom to wash your hands. He sits and waits for you on the bed. His attention momentarily drawn to the window where he sees drops of rain run down the glass. He smiles softly before returning to his solemn state.

The bed dips beside him and he has to force himself not to stare at the side of your head. The remote control to your television gets thrown into his lap. He looks down, then up at you confused.

“Pick something. Give yourself a couple of minutes to calm down and then say what you have to say.” You speak assertively.

He does as you say without question. Even if you are mad at him, you still know that he can struggle with righting his wrongs. Oh how he loves you.

A few minutes pass and Minho does indeed feel calmer. Enough to start the conversation he is still, slightly, scared to have.

“I am sorry. I had no right to tell you what to wear that night. I also acted like a dick to every single person that approached you, even your friends. That was not cool of me. At all.” He starts.

His eyes meet yours and it takes everything in him to not cower away in embarrassment. The reality of his actions settling in.

“You are beautiful. I know that, everyone else knows that. I think I just got annoyed by people gushing to me about you and how they would love to be with you.” He turns to the window again, watching the rain as it gets heavier.

“It triggered a protective side of me, well, a primal one.” He looks towards you now as you sit against the headboard, waiting for him to continue. “You’re mine and I didn’t want people to think they even had a chance with you.”

“Surely you would only think that if you didn’t completely trust me.” You argue, raising an eyebrow.

Minho starts to fiddle with the remote. Casting his eyes away from yours in embarrassment.

“That, would be a viable response to that yes. But I do trust you! I promise. You haven’t given me any reason not to trust you I just-” He cuts himself off, holding back on what he truly wants to say.

He hears you sigh and you move to place your hand on his forearm. You stroke his arm softly with your thumb, letting him take his time. He really appreciates this side of you.

“I haven’t been feeling like I am enough for you. I don’t feel good in my body as of late and I think those insecurities translated through my actions of how I ministered to our relationship,” Minho takes a long, drawn out breath before continuing. “I think I was trying to drag you down with me into the same state of mind. For that, I am sorry Y/n.” He finishes looking up at you as his eyes shimmer from the fresh tears that threaten to fall.

You two stare at each other for a little while longer, the silence making Minho more panicked. You crawl over to him and straddle his lap, taking him by surprise. Your hands finding their rightful place in his hair, stroking softly.

“Thank you for apologising to me. Make sure to also apologise to the many of my friends you rubbed the wrong way,” You chuckle lightly. “But thank you for opening up to me and telling me what has been troubling you.” You take a deep breath and release with a sigh. “It doesn’t mean that I am completely happy with you, but I do want to show you that you are beautiful. You are everything and more to me Min.” You say smiling softly.

Minho swallows, his eyes blinking rapidly as he listens to you. He places his hands on your hips and strokes them softly. He may not be able to respond right now, the words caught in his throat. So he wants to let you know that he hears you.

“This is a conversation that needs to be finished when emotions aren’t as strong. However, I have failed as your lover to not make you feel like you’re enough. To not make you feel as if you are the sexiest man I have ever laid my eyes on.” You tantalisingly move your hips on his crotch.

The way his body responds to you will never cease to amaze him. All it takes is you sitting on top of him, hell, one look when you stare at him with those eyes and he is ready to go.

Gyrating slowly and pressing down on his now evident erection, a small whine escapes his lips. You smile at that and lift your shirt up off your body. Grabbing his hands, you lift them up to your chest for him to pay attention to your nipples.

He immediately began pinching and rolling them between his fingers. Your moans elicits a thrust of his hips up into your heat. Wanting more, you grab his head and he understands what you want of him. His eyes flutter closed and he attaches his soft lips to the bud, sucking and swirling his tongue. Releasing beautiful moans, he gets off to the salacious image of you using him at any given time to make him suck your nipples.

“I love the way you love my nipples Min. Love the little sounds you make.” You throw your head back in pleasure. “All reasons why you are the sexiest man I know.” You mewl softly.

He switches nipples frantically. Always eager to please you. Only you. He craves every little thing about you. The way your lips taste, the way you taste. The way your body shudders around him as he takes you whenever you let him.

He is love drunk off of you. You are like a drug to him and he wishes to consume you ‘til his dying breath.

The way you grind your hips down on him is unholy, it is like you are trying to make him cum in his pants. He is close, so close. His moans turning into desperate high pitched whimpers.

You halt your movements and hover above his lap. Swallowing the noise of disappointment with your mouth on his. Your tongue claiming the entirety of his mouth. You are so filthy and he loves it.

You catch his bottom lip between your teeth, dragging it slightly before gazing up at him with those eyes. You run your hands from his shoulders down his body, painfully slowly.

His head falls back into the pillow as he looks up at the ceiling, fighting the urge to just pull his pants down enough for him to free himself and fuck you senselessly until he is a shaking mess.

He knows better than to do that though. He wants to be good for you. Your good boy.

You pull down his joggers and his underwear and he shivers slightly. You hum in approval and kitten lick the head of his cock.

“Y/n, bunny, please don’t tease me!” He squalls. He thinks maybe he is being punished for his behaviour. It’s the only way to explain the way you stroke him at a leisurely pace.

“Hush, let me appreciate you. M’gonna make you feel good love” You mumble more to yourself than to him.

Before he could protest anymore, he sharply intakes a breath. The way your lips mould around him so deliciously. Taking him down your pretty little throat. How did he get so lucky to find someone that riles him up as much as you do?

His hands reach down to lightly tug your hair, using it as a handle as he guides your head up and down. Your mouth felt so good. It always feels so good.

He simply can’t control the needy whimpers and whines that are released from his throat. The sound doing so much as to turn him on even more. He has to be careful, he doesn’t want to finish like this, not before you anyways. That is just selfish, what man doesn’t let his gorgeous little pet finish before him?

He pulls you off of him, catching you by surprise. His eyes are dark now, as if a switch was flipped. He comes to his senses, his mission to grab back the reigns and take control. He inhibits you wiping the drool from your mouth as he pulls you into him and crashes his lips into yours.

You moan into his mouth and he is sure to swallow every one. He flips you onto your back, lightly pinning your arms in place. You are breathtaking. Just looking at the way your body glistens with sweat in the moonlight. Looks so tempting, so inviting. Like he wants to create a masterpiece with your empty canvas.

He kisses every part of your body, painting a picture with the little marks he leaves in his wake. His mouth hovers over your heat, breathing softly before planting a chaste kiss.

“Oh kitten…you are dripping.” He says with a devilish grin. “Is this all for me?” He asks tilting his head as he now looks up at you. He concludes that your mewling won’t satisfy him with the answer he wants to hear.

He squeezes your thighs roughly, causing you to look down at him. He just looks up at you with those gorgeous black eyes, his smile charming.

“I believe I asked you a question. Is my darling already too fucked out? I haven’t even touched you in the place you so desperately need me yet. Did you have your fun, having the control hm?”

“Yes, yes it’s all for you Min.” You whine attempting to squeeze your thighs together, but he is quicker than you. Spreading them wide his kisses litter just around your centre. His teasing merciless as you writhe beneath him.

“Min please, no more teasing. Need your mouth on me.” You beg, pushing your hips up to meet his face. He moves back, amused by your neediness.

“Well if that’s what my little kitten wants, then it’s what my little kitten should get hm?”

Your body shudders as he goes down on you. Lapping up your juices like a man who has been starved for weeks. He feels your hands in his hair and it turns him on. He can’t help but to rut against the bed to relieve some of the tension. The sounds, the sight, it is all truly so vulgar. Yet he loves nothing more than to please you.

After all, his name does sound prettiest when it is you moaning it in frantic desperation.

He makes you come undone three times and before he could get to four, you had pushed him away. Catching your breath as he knelt beside you and admires you. Admires the way the sweat trickles down the valley of your chest. The marks that colour your skin so deliciously. The way your eyes are closed tightly and your mouth open, no doubt getting a little dry.

He places an open mouthed kiss to your lips, his tongue providing the moisture that was being lost due to your heavy intake of air. He releases your lips and you make a noise of surprise as he opens your legs and situates himself between them, pushing into you slowly.

He has to still himself or else he will quite literally combust. You feel so good wrapped around him. You always feel so good. He opens his eyes to you already staring up at him Your eyes are overflowing with desire and he has to take a mental picture.

“You intoxicate me. How is it I feel such burning passion whenever I am around you?” He starts to move within you, slowly, intimately, as he takes a deep breath. “I belong to you Y/n. I promise that I will never live a day without telling you that.” His strokes get deeper.

You are a babbling mess. He can’t decipher anything you say, so he swallows your attempt with his mouth on yours. It isn’t until he can taste salt that he realises he is crying. So much for keeping the control. He pulls away and places his arms beside your head, his pace still slow and deep.

“Look at me my darling,” He says with a shaky voice. He watches you flutter your eyes open. “Promise, mmh, promise me you will never leave my side.”

“I promise you.” You say, your own voice faltering no doubt being consumed by a ray of emotions. He drops his head into the crook of your neck, his tears now flowing down your neck. He feels your arms tighten around him. One hand on his back, one hand in his hair, stroking softly as you mutter ‘I love you’ over and over again.

He made love to you that night until the sun graced the sky. Never falling short of telling you just how much he adores you.

──・──・・✿ ・・──・──

we were born to die.

It’s been a year now. A year of watching Paul and Vanessa, two months since he brought Dori home. Other than those three main factors in his life now, Minho is still miserable.

Much like the weather this morning as it downpours. He’s learnt to hate the rain since the end of his relationship with you. There isn’t much to like, not anymore.

He walks the same route he always does. His shoes are getting muddy, the path littered in grass clippings collated by the water. It proves to be extremely bothersome to see the grass stick to his shoes. Especially on a day like today, if grass is the thing that sets Minho off into a fit of rage; so help anyone who pisses him off on his way home.

Life is cruel. It will give you one thing you wish to cherish forever, to love until you can’t love no more. Makes you feel found when you were lost for so long. Gives you happiness, makes you feel alive like you can accomplish anything the world throws in your direction.

Then it takes it away. Just like that. The thing you had wished to cherish, perishes. Strips you of your ability to love. When you were finally found, you become lost again. Takes your happiness, makes you feel as if you’re rotting inside like you can’t will yourself to try and overcome the obstacles the world throws in your direction.

Living a life like that is revolting. A life in which you feel your only purpose of being born was to die. Minho laughs bitterly to himself. Born to die. Ironic because no matter what people tell you, that is always going to be the outcome of all life.

As he stands with the flowers in his hand, he isn’t sure whether it’s his tears or the rain. Perhaps both as they start to trickle down the petals and collate in the pistil.

He kneels, unbothered about the grass and mud stains he is to get on the knee caps of his trousers.

Resting the flowers against the polished marble, his fingers journey over the name etched in the stone.

Your name.

His hand falls from the gravestone and situates themselves next to his head that has now pressed itself firmly into the ground. He sobs as he bows over you.

He loves you. He doesn’t think he will ever stop loving you. He can’t, he won’t.

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© 2023 diddybok

[ichijager13]

You make me feel safe

Summery:

Reader wakes up next to the man she has been seeing for months and she realizes she loves him. Thinking he is still asleep she confesses her feelings.

A/N:  Hello there, I wrote this listening to Cinnamon girl by Lana Del Rey I hope you enjoy it.

Erenxreader, Angst/comfort, selfconfidence issues, word count 1,2k

When the sun's rays peeked through the blinds you were already awake. You started seeing each other three months ago, so this was not the first time you spend the night at his place. You were staring at the man lying beside you. his hair fell on his face covering most of it and one of his arms was casually propped around your waste. Each time you see him like this you feel overwhelmed, Eren was a gorgeous man. His sun-kissed skin matches perfectly his emerald eyes and chestnut hair. You reach your hand to pull his hair back and tuck some lokes behind his ear, he looks so relaxed. you have always loved admiring him sleeping. You guide your hand softly across his face and gently caress his cheek before brushing his lower heavy lip with your thumb. The memory of what he has done to you last night with those lips made your stomach twist. Nights with Eren have always left you out of breath and over the clouds. He has always known where and how to touch each part of your body. But what you love the most was the way he makes you feel, how he pays attention to every single detail, how he holds you and caresses your hair gently. He makes you feel things you never thought you’d experience one day.

You have always believed that you were unable to love and were not meant to be loved, that for some reason you don’t deserve to be happy. Plus, trust issues, low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence made you fear commitment and falling in love. Not to mention the thought of getting your heart broken once again. All of these made you push away anyone who tried to get in. but all your insecurities and demons seem to be blown away by Eren. He makes you feel safe and accepted. He makes you happy. With Eren everything is easy; talking, laughing, living and dreaming. You don’t remember the last time you dreamed of something beautiful, of being happy and carefree, you don’t think you ever did. your eyes have always carried this sadness that even your bright and wide smiles couldn’t hide. But this was all before him.

You move closer and print soft kisses on his parted lips. Your hand is now drawing invisible patterns on his bare large shoulders. You close your eyes for a while and enjoy his presence and the comforting silence.

“I have never felt this way before. With you Eren I feel safe”. You whispered. “No one has ever looked at me or touched me the way you do”. You buried your face in his neck, he always smells nice. “I never had the courage to tell you all this stuff. There are a lot of things I never told you. ‘cause I’m afraid, I’m afraid you’d never want me once I open up and let you see how damaged I am. I’m afraid you’d leave if I ever told you that I have a hard time trusting people and seeing the good in them. I’m afraid of letting my guard down and letting people in, ‘cause I always end up being hurt when I do so. I’m afraid you’d grow bored and leave me once you see the real me. I’m afraid you’d break my heart, I’m afraid of falling in love. I…”. you take a deep breath. “I have been hurt before, Eren. Badly”. Your vision is blurry now. “And I don’t wanna go through that again, it took too much for me to heal from my past wounds. I won’t lie, you have healed a good amount but some still bleed to this day. and it hurts like hell. Some of them left scares that will never disappear and I don’t know what to do about it”. You nuzzled his neck trying not to burst into crying. “Please Eren, please I’m giving you whatever is left of my heart and soul. Please take good care of us. Please don’t hurt me, I can’t… I can’t handle another heartbreak. I love you Eren, I love you and I won’t lie my feelings for you are so strong and profound that it is scaring the shit out of me. I…”. your tears start falling and you swear you felt him stiffening when a tear fell on his flesh. When you tried to pull away his arms tightened around your small figure.

He moved slowly placing a soft kiss on the top of your head. “I’ll never hurt you, love”. His voice is still drowsy from sleep, he cleared his throat before adding, “I’ll always look after you and cherish you, you just have to let me in. I’ll never rush you I promise, take as much time as you need”. He pulled away and wiped your tears. “I’ll always be here for you, okay?” You slowly nod. You closed your eyes and leaned into his touch; his hand was caressing your hair softly. “I’ll do my best to heal all of your wounds and wipe away all your tears. You are the best thing I ever had and I’m not willing to let you go”.

A half smile crept up your lips, you tried your best to keep your composure when you said. “I love you Eren”. You curse yourself when your voice broke when you said his name. your face twitched and tears start streaming once again. “I’m sorry”. You mumbled hiding your head in your pillow.

With his thumb and index, he grabbed your chin softly and made you face him, “Never apologize for this love, I want you to know that I love you just the way you are. And I don’t want to change anything about you. I love every single detail about you, every smile and every facial expression”. He kissed you, his soft lips moving slowly against yours. When he broke the kiss, he continued. “I love when you sing and dance while cooking, especially when you are in my shirt. I love the way your cute nose scrunches when you feel embarrassed, how your eyebrows get knotted when you are confused when you slowly rub your eyes when you wake up, how you purse your lips when you are concentrated, how you rub your nose or play with your hands when you feel nervous”. He pecks your nose smiling. “And your smile. I am madly, deeply in love with your smile. You are a beautiful person inside and out. And it’s hard”. He kisses you again. “So, so hard to not fall in love with you. you are a wonderful person”. you smile against his lips. “I would like to stay like this forever, with you”.

“Do you know how it feels?”.

“What?”. He asked confused.

“Being in love with you”.

“No, love. Tell me, please”.

“It’s like being found after being lost in the middle of nowhere, and just when I was about to die you came and saved me”. You smile at him before adding. “You are my home Eren”.

“And you are the sun rays that light up my whole world and warm me”. He brushes his lips against the thin skin of your neck, “I will never hurt you and I will never let you down”.

“Thank you”. you press yourself against him and close your eyes thinking to yourself that if heaven ever existed it must be here in this man’s arms.