#learning from the internet is tricky

[procrasti-pastel]

Good afternoon, or Day or... Night, I apologize for I am addressing you so sharply, but this question is very interesting to me

Do you know the sign language Or do you use some things to help you draw a character who can’t speak?

Like This

(I just want to create a mute character, but the Internet is not very helpful, and I don’t have any friends who could help)

I actually made that up! I based off ImbalanceTale sign language mostly by my interpretation of how they'd do their sign language ^^ Mostly because, well, their sign language is different from the general sign language most of the multiverse(?) uses-- it's like its own dialect of sorts. But I take inspiration/reference sometimes from ASL/SL! It’s still in the works tbh, I need to make it look like actual sign languahe.

But it's best that you try to learn a bit of SL in order to understand it better. I myself don't use/do sign language, but Violet is mute, so I have to learn/reference some actual sign language in order to make hers more, believable, per say.

[useless-englandfacts]

sorry for the weird ask and the follow up rn, im just. extremely baffled and experiencing some sort of culture shock. were they the flags of the german empire? or like, regular modern germany? why on earth would that offend anyone? i guess it could be a faux pas to wear the german imperial flag around the families of british ww1 survivors, but uh, come on, not to make this about death tolls but literally ww1 was so much more traumatic to the german soldiers. how do you not feel compassion after 100 years.

maybe its a me problem since i live in a country of which the population got drafted into various armies of opposite sides for ww1, so there is no one side favorised in our historical politics and historiography, but. what the fuck.

Yeah no I get how this is confusing to people who don’t live where I do, especially those in the younger generation.

I live in a small town where the population is a lot older and they have very set views on who were the “goodies and baddies” in the wars. And the baddies to them are always the Germans. Even in regards to ww2 I’ve never spoken to someone who cared about the other Axis countries, but these people fucking HATE Germany.

My coat is a 1960s era khaki jacket with a small modern german flag on either sleeve. This gained me more dirty looks than my funky hair and multiple facial piercings have ever gotten me.

As much as we in the younger generation now understand the nuances of war and who the real victims were, this doesn’t matter to a lot of people in real life. A lot of people don’t use the internet in the way we do, and they don’t have any interest in changing their views on who the aggressors were.

In my area and tbh with a lot of people I’ve met who don’t use the internet a lot, it’s a very simple “Germany bad England good”. No nuance, no conversation.

Also we have a surprising amount of propaganda taught to us in schools without us realising. No one really teaches us about the atrocities we as a nation committed, or about the widespread support for the Nazi party before the holocaust. People cling onto these beliefs very tightly both nationally and in my area specifically.

The truth doesn’t matter, just what people believe, and they believe generally that me wearing my coat accidentally is a personal affront to them and the deceased. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[another-chaotic-bisexual-vampire]

In Leonard Wolf's Essential Dracula, there's a footnote with a recipe for Paprika Hendl as it would've been served to Jonathan Harker:

I wholeheartedly recommend modifying this recipe as it's very "grandma cooking" in the sense that it automatically assumes you know how to do certain Common Kitchen Techniques For Victorian Cooks (like, you know, just make flour dumplings with zero instructions) - so here's my best take on the recipe, below the cut:

PAPRIKA HENDL À LA ESSENTIAL DRACULA (makes 6 servings)

4 lbs young chicken

2 tablespoons fat (substitute: oil)

2 large onions, chopped

2 tablespoons Hungarian Paprika (I went with Sweet)

1/2 cup tomato juice

2 tablespoons flour

1/2 cup sour cream

Cut chicken into serving sized portions

In a skillet, lightly brown onions in fat/oil

Blend in HALF the Hungarian Paprika into the skillet of sizzling oil & onions

To the skillet of spiced & browned onions, add the tomato juice and chicken, cover the skillet, and let simmer for ONE (1) WHOLE HOUR

Meanwhile, in a large bowl, beat flour into sour cream

After that 1 hour, remove chicken from skillet and set it aside on a plate, wrap in tin foil, and contain in oven/microwave to keep warm

In the still simmering sauce in the skillet, add the flour & sour cream mixture and add to the sauce with the remaining Paprika. Let simmer, stirring occasionally, for 5 minutes or until well-blended

Pour half the skillet's sauce through a sieve or colander into a sauce boat - set aside sauce boat for serving later

Return chicken to skillet with still simmering sauce until fully warmed back up

Serve chicken on a warm platter, pouring the skillet's sauce over it and with the sauce boat on the side

Serve with flour dumplings

NOTES

1) Simmering 4 lbs of store-bought chicken breast in only 1/2 a cup of tomato juice for 1 WHOLE HOUR had me panicking and adding water and whatever canned tomatoes I could find just so I didn't burn the chicken (and the kitchen) as that was not nearly enough tomato juice to keep 4 lbs of chicken simmering for 60 solid minutes - so please modify at will, comparing with other recipes, etc.

2) The recipe calls for taking out the finished sauce and putting it through a "food mill" so I tried putting the sauce in a blender to try and turn the onions into sauce as well. DO NOT DO THAT. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES. It was a disastrous mess. That's why I modified the recipe above to just pour half the sauce through a colander into a sauce boat.

3) Oh, I'm just supposed to make flour dumplings from scratch?? I cobbled together a recipe off the internet in that long hour of simmering, the source of which has since strayed from thought and time (apologies) - so I would heartily recommend either buying store-bought flour dumplings or looking up a flour dumpling recipe ahead of time, as making them from scratch for the first time with a simmering skillet beside you is Quite Tricky

4) I added more Paprika than the recipe called for (gasp!) and honestly... I would recommend DOUBLING the Paprika in this recipe. My partner and I wanted more Paprika!! But we are fans of spiced meat actually tasting like spices and not a subtle "oh yeah I guess there's Paprika in there"

Even with all that improvising on an 125+ year old recipe with missing steps, it made for the most delicious comfort food. 14/10, would eat again with queer dreams

[black-lake]

astro observations 7

hey everyone, got some new observations and random astro thoughts 👽 🔭

——

🧊 The strongest aspects to the nodes in terms how obvious their effect can be, are squares then trines esp with tight orbs. They strongly activate the planet involved and the effect becomes very clear in how things unfold or manifest. e.g sun square or tine nn is more obvious to others, their personality is much more vibrant and noticeable. The conj/opp aspects are stronger but tricky to see, because they can mean something personal to the native, something karmic or unpredictable, like two people can have that aspect but have it manifest completely differently.

🧊 Saturn 11th could mean having to learn many of your life lessons through the internet or social media. Could be by observing people online and learning new things. These natives have felt alone majority of their lives and social media kept their company. May go through difficult experiences, like online bullying or feel rejected online. They eventually learn the sweet nonchalance and the importance of self love, that they don't care when people leave them or dislike them, because the ones that are meant to stay will stay. (This may apply to ppl w a stellium in the 11th, or chiron 11th).

🧊 Those who have saturn-nn aspects may have been involved with the law/governments or have fought for something that has to do with legal matters and order. Especially for or against their family. They aren't afraid to take it to court if it means regaining their rights. They tend to win cases because they have a strong sense of justice. If negatively aspected or dealt with, they may need to watch out for that, or for their need to put someone down using the law.

🧊 Venus in aries woman also like the friends before lovers dynamic, just like aqua. They prefer to be friends with guys first and can flirt with them until it evolves into a relationship. They’re also comfortable with masculine energy way more than feminine so they tend to make friends with boys a lot. Also they're not impulsive in love as they're said to be, if they choose someone it's because they found that physical chemistry, passion, youthfulness, independence, and loyalty in them, which they rarely do and they'd rather stay solo.

🧊 Thinking about how astrology signs and houses have a connection to our body, like from aries or 1st being the head, taurus or 2nd being the neck, gemini or 3rd being arms hands, cancer or 4th being the chest area, leo or 5th being the heart space, virgo or 6th being the stomach area, libra or 7th being the kidneys and lower back, scorpio or 8th being the the genitals, sagittarius or 9th being the thighs, capricorn or 10th being the knees and other bones, aquarius or 11th being the calves and ankles, and all the way down to pisces or 12th being the feet. I just find it fascinating. I know there are other body parts ruled by these signs, but I'm particularly pointing at the way it goes in order, from head to feet which is really interesting to think about, like how coincidental could that be? it makes it real.

🧊 Through learning more about astrology and how it relates to body parts, you can use that to heal and soothe your body. If you have pisces in your chart you may benefit from soaking your feet in water with salt or soap for stress relief, and grounding, being in water in general, music and rhythms could be healing too. If you have capricorn you may like to run a lot, exercise a better posture, chiropractic treatment, spend money on skincare and your dental care. If you have Leo placements, take care of your generous heart, your hair, go outside and get you vitamin d, massage your shoulders and upper back. I can do a whole post about that.

🧊 Speaking of that — I think there is so much more undiscovered in astrology. Way more info that is waiting to be discovered. We haven't been discovering much lately. I mean uranus was discovered in the 700s, neptune 800s, pluto 900s, and these were the official discoveries. The more we discover planets, galaxies or other yet to name objects, the more we discover things about our lives, and how everything in the universe is connected and affects our experience on earth. I just wanna reincarnate 700 years later and see to what extent things evolved, or maybe that's a short period. 

🧊 What if aliens are studying earth as an outer planet which may mean something particular to them just like we study say Jupiter and Saturn as planets with certain themes. Who knows what’s going on up there. But yeah this page is getting weirder by the day... I- sry 👀

🧊 I’m one of those that would skip the big three and jump right at north node aspects fr (all including minor aspects). I want to know a person’s life journey and potential before their personality traits. It can tell a lot about destiny, what comes naturally to us and where we need growth and even about our past lives. 

🧊 Consider meghan stallion whose chart I recently saw. The moment I saw it, I thought it couldn't be more fitting and clear. With mercury square nn, she had a urge to use her voice early on, her mercury is something that should be utilized, she raps and writes music. Mercury conjunct uranus, it's the unique ability to sing, rap and make music, a creative mind. Pallas opposite nn, she got a lot of natural charisma with her talents, she radiates confidence and strength which makes her liked. (also pallas-nn aspects can make someone influential). Venus sextile nn, she is well liked and has a lot of charm, she may do smth related to beauty. 

🧊 I don’t usually consider cusps in astrology when it comes to signs, it depends on whether I see the influence or not, I rarely do. But I def look at house cusps (especially asc, dsc, mc and ic). That axis, the end of a house and the beginning of the next is so important to look at, not just degrees but planets there. When planets are at the cusp of a house (up to 7°), it influences both houses i noticed. e.g. If saturn is on the cusp of the 8th and 9th then both houses are significant to look at, it could mean lessons related to studies, resources, travel, inner transformation, connections.. etc. Same with saturn on the cusp of the 11th and 12th, lessons related to friendships, hopes and dreams, the collective, loneliness, spirituality... etc. 

🧊 Planets conj/opp your asc or mc are a big part of how you appear to the world. They can overpower your asc or mc signs at times especially before you introduce yourself and have a proper talk with someone. Once they know you personally they'll pick up on the ascendant sign traits. Strangers or the ones that don’t know you will pick up on the planet's energy before the sign. e.g. if you have uranus conjunct asc or mc, no matter the ascendant your uranus qualities will be more visible to others. If you have more than one planet conj/opp then you could give off different impressions to different people. I have uranus conjunct mc and pluto opposite ascendant, I've had some see me as eccentric, detached and some others as mysterious, powerful. This applies to planets in 1st and 10th.

🧊 The most difficult moon signs are capricorn, scorpio, aquarius and virgo. They know what it feels like to be emotionally drained, yet empty. They'd rather not show emotion, even scorpios don't show a fraction of the range of emotions they experience. They deal with it differently, but they all put on a cold front, even with themselves, seeming unemotional, especially the saturians. They sometimes don’t know how to show the depth, wisdom and caring heart they have, but they damn sure know how to work hard and be that special person. They add so much to the world but they don’t feel like they fairly get any back. Each of these signs have distinct traits of their own but I applaud y’all. The most interesting to observe truly. 

🧊 Also with these moon signs, their mother may have been a challenging figure in their lives, she may have been either critical, controlling, egoistical, cold or just absent in some way. They likely didn't have an easy childhood to say the least.

🧊 The moon is what we inherit from the mother and it's exactly how we develop those traits, and how we essentially... treat her back. So if the mommy of a cap moon child thought she could be overbearing, cold and expect the unexpected from her child, she can be met with an advanced level of coldness and authority from her grown child, thanks to her. Same with a virgo moon child's mother, if she thought she could be critical and compare them to literally anything and judge the hell out of their existence, they would give her a neat taste of her medicine, sharper criticism backed with better facts. The mother also learns a lot from her children through their moon sign. This applies to all moons.

🧊 I noticed that scorpio placements don't find it easy to change or let go of things (unless they have many pluto aspects). I met many scorpio ppl and they tend to hold on to the past, tightly. Many of them told me they hate moving out. It depends on other placements tho, if mixed with capricorn or earth, they are sooo traditional and stubborn my god. If mixed with air, they're less to hold on. Pluto placements and aspects are the actual phoenixes, they embrace every part of their transformation process, they burn things to ashes and emerge stronger, I love seeing it.

🧊 Every time I meet a pisces moon person, they have some unusual quirks to them. They can have this awkward yet charismatic behavior, like wtf was that, but you stare at their watery eyes. Pisces moon men esp, the weirdest sense of humor 🤚s down, but you can't help it cuz it's cute. Which is why they can trick and manipulate you cuz you thought they were innocent *pleading emoji*.  

🧊 Quintiles and bi-quintiles give me an aquarius vibe, they hold such a unique energy to them, a different connection between the planets. Quintiles to the nodes or mc, it's so refreshing and special whatever that quality you got, it may even be addictive to others (sun, venus, neptune quintile nn). Check if you have asteroids quintile the nodes, you may benefit from tapping in to the potential they hold and utilizing it.

🧊 Whatever house pluto is in it’s where you got power that you needed to learn to take back. It was gained eventually through being taken away from you or not seen by you. The power of realizing the effect you have over the themes of a certain house which activates it.

🧊 Some examples, pluto 10th, how people see you publicly may not be who you are at home. The accusations or assumptions, the jealousy and maybe even manipulations about your career choices made you feel powerless at times but it’s where your power lies. As soon as they discover that it's up to them to decide who they are publicly, they take back that power and show up in the public as an unstoppable force, changing the world. Pluto 7th, the constant mirroring of people’s shadows, the projections, the lies or manipulations that happened in their relationships made the native feel powerless in connections and over the way they see or present themselves. Once they embrace the way they appear and connect with others, a new sense of strength and power is awakened in them and they radiate that even more strongly, this time unapologetically. 

---

bonus - asteroids obs ⚛︎

🧊 People that have charisma (627) in a fire sign stand out when they're taking action, they naturally radiate that leadership vibe, others expect them to take imitative with things especially if it's in aries, they have that youthful go getter vibe. If it's in leo they're seen as very influential and others follow their lead. If in sag they're seen as funny and joyous to be around, everyone wants to be with them. 

🧊 Asteroid aura (1488) can show you what colors and styles look good on you, check the sign, degree and house. If it's in an earth sign, those earthy colors, greens, browns, formal, vintage. dark academia styles. If in a fire sign, those fiery vibrant colors, colorful sparkly makeup, casual yet bold looks. In an air sign, classy or street looks, patterns and accessories, youthful styles. If in a water sign, dreamy flowy fabrics, neutral colors, blues and purples, jewels.

🧊 Also check the planets it aspects, say aura is in pisces conj saturn then you can incorporate those dreamy looks in a saturnian typa way, e.g. I imagine a man in a bright silk shirt with brown vintage pants, a matching jacket, and a pearl choker, something ethereal but earthy at the same time. 

🧊 Asteroid sirene (1009) in scorpio, aspecting pluto or in the 8th could make someone have an extremely alluring presence like you would want to stare for long to understand their vibes but you won't. I also find it alluring if it's in capricorn, aquarius or pisces. 

🧊 Asteroid meesters (10647) and talent (33154) in aquarius or the 11th could mean creating or inventing something new in your field, having or mastering a unique or rare skill. This can also mean recognition for a unique talent. Aspecting nn can mean you mastered some talents in a past life or will in this life.

-- I had these for so long in my notes, but I just felt inspired to post, forgive me. 🐯🫶

[csmiclxtte]

ATEEZ Fama [408] asteroid mini reading

disclaimer: i'm still learning & idk these ppl personally. so dont be too serious

ATEEZ has Fama in Aquarius (2°). As a group, they are known to be:

Original, unique, eccentric.

Aware of social issues

2° : "Fame" is a gift which can help them to produce wealth.

Fama Shadow Side

Spreading of news & controversies

ATEEZ is rather unproblematic, but if we take a look, the scandals mainly involves Aquarian theme.

Cultural appropriation(s)

Plagiarism (original ideas getting stolen)

ATEEZ's Fama aspects

square Sun-Venus, square Uranus, opposite NN forming a fixed Grand Cross / Grand Square

They may find "fame" to clash wih their ego (square Scorpio Sun).

"Fame" might trigger love-hate reactions from public. Or members may have tricky relationship with "fame", things can be awkward or tense (square Scorpio Venus).

"Fame" made them question their personal values at some point (square Taurus Uranus retrograde).

Their goal is to achieve fullest form of self-expression (Leo NN).

Fixed signs causing them to face the same issues again, if lessons not learned.

ATEEZ Members Fama Placement

Who they are known to be

Hongjoong | Fama in Virgo 8H (22°)

Workaholic, critical, and perfectionistic

Self-reliant.

Manage resources well.

Natural charisma, mysterious.

8H rules legacy, it can mean leaving a big legacy into this world.

Regenerate wealth.

Seonghwa | Fama in Cancer 12H (12°)

Emotional, sensitive, moody.

Nurturing, "motherly".

Imaginative, intuitive, may be spiritual.

Delusions & illusions which can mean he is often misunderstood. Or people may see him just as they like.

Great at conveying emotions and playing roles.

Yunho | Fama in Virgo 10H (28°)

Hardwork, competence, and diligence.

Perfectionistic, critical.

Professional and able to control his emotions relatively well.

Soft and caring, comforts people.

Intercepted Fama 10H: may mean Yunho have difficulty in climbing career ladder & gaining reputation.

Note: Fama in 10H can mean higher level of fame (positive or negative). Also the 28° degree, from what i've read, can be linked to karmic disposition. If his birthtime is exact, Yunho also has intercepted 4H. It can be translated as lacking familial/parental support. However he does have a strong ancestral connection, which possibly means that his career & reputation is linked with karmic clearing & such.

This is only based on degree theory & interception theory.

Yeosang | Fama in Virgo 6H (24°)

Hardworking, pays a lot attention to detail.

Takes extra care of his fitness & health.

Can be very particular about things.

Coworkers may often talk about him.

Can be known as spirirtual/mysterious, head in the clouds, not so present.

San | Fama in Virgo 1H (29°)

Another workaholic placement, striving for perfection, especially in how he represent his physic.

San seems to have a specific image/concept he wanted to project.

He can demand a lot from himself & his body.

Anaretic degree: ability to master the Virgo qualities. It might be something familiar and the energy is much easier to direct.

Mingi | Fama in Libra 9H / 11H (6°) - not sure what time Mingi was born, either 12 pm or 4 pm (please lmk which one is correct tysm)

Natural charm and beauty.

Center of attention.

Well-liked in foreign land/culture or internet.

May be indecisive.

Travel, media, and exploration will help him (9H), or rather technology and his friend group (11H).

Perfectionistic.

Wooyoung | Fama in Scorpio 1H-2H cusp (10°)

Scorpios are usually magnetic, so Woo doesn't need to do much to lure people.

Gives people a sense of intimacy, but also very private in a way. People are naturally curious of him.

Fearless, won't hesitant to approach taboo/forbidden stuffs.

Known for the his journey & transformation in building success.

Jongho | Fama in Sagittarius (6°) - also ugh idk his birthtime

Got famous by literally doing whatever he wants and following his guts.

Great sense of humor.

Known to be optimistic, wise and knowledgeable, philosophical, adventurous.

Perfectionist, practice make perfect.

Notice how Virgo energy is always involved in the placement, aside from Wooyoung and Seonghwa. Perfectionistic & critical ppl fr.

I by no means state this all as fact. Take it for fun only. Again, idk these ppl irl.

I'm just exploring astrology theories :>

Thank you for reading!

[gingersforeverbox]

Headcanons about Nathan Bateman and a Reader who likes to crochet

A/n: Ok, I know this is niche/ self-indulgent as fuck, but I just took up crocheting about a month ago (loving it too) and I can’t stop imagining what Nathan with a reader who likes to crochet would look like, So have some headcanons!

Crochet is tricky to get the hang of, but I feel like your determination to keep trying and to keep learning would definitely interest Nathan. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I still think Nathan would laugh and call it a “grandma hobby”, but he is secretly relieved that you’ve found something to keep you occupied out in the middle of nowhere with him.

Nathan’s grocery lists slowly begins to add regular shipments of various yarns over time for you, resulting in a room in the facility becoming devoted to your craft as a sort of art studio, equipped with custom crochet hooks that take your hands and preferences into account. You’ve looked many times, but you can never find where they came from or who made them (Nathan made them for you specifically but will deny it to your face).

If you like working on your crochet around others, I can absolutely see Nathan either working in the lab while you work on the futon behind his desk  or even him just flopping down on the couch next to you after a long day with a beer.

The one thing about the crocheting that Nathan does not enjoy is finding the little scraps of yarn around the facility, and he will not hesitate to get on the overcoms to tell you to remove a piece of scrap he found in his lab. Every now and then you think that he takes a piece of scrap from your pile just to put it in the lab as an excuse to make you come and see him (he does).

Working on your first big piece? He will watch your internet history fill up with tutorials and advice from crocheting websites and social media, and he will offer a small compliment on a specific pattern of stitch you use throughout your piece.

Nathan would absolutely ask you to replace a beanie he uses for when he goes hiking up the glacier.

you can't TELL me that he wouldn't nag you about taking care of your hands.

"Your hands are gonna be crippled in a week if you don't take a break every now and then honey." "Use these. They're fingerless compression gloves specifically for people who use yarn. Don't look at me like that, I just don't want to have to listen to you whine about it later."

idk I'm just imagining Nathan just watching Reader descend into crocheting madness

[razors-neon-cybernackle]

A Celebratory img of the 15th Anniversary of Homestuck and man its cool being able to do this as A new fan of the series. I heard of it in the past from all the horror stories and how cringe the fandom is and you know its half right but i learn to embrace the good in all. Its a story like no other and its time full of things i remember in that time when i was a adolescent and its culture of new age internet peeps. The characters are fun unique and strange but hilairous. Full of wonders and tragedies its amazing such a thing existed and appriciate the art of it all. Like all things its has its flaws but its shining details are amazing and hope to see more in a new light. Stay tricky peeps. -Razor the Spectrickster

[jamneuromain]

All That's Inspiring

Andy Barber x You / Reader

Warning: Smut, Fluff and Smut, Alternate Universe - College / University, Teacher-Student Relationship, Professor!Andy Barber, Student!Reader, Student!You, Pet Names (Angel, good girl), Explicit Sexual Content, Explicit Language, Smut, Dom/Sub relationship, Dom!Andy Barber, light spanking, edging, TOYS, vibrator, Overstimulation, Aftercare, just a little bit dacryphilia, Age difference

Word count: 2k

Summary: What would Andy do if he finds out that you break your promise with him.

A/N: I mean, I wanted to write the end as Andy continues punishing her after she finished this first session but… ;_; I’m so craving some warm and comforting aftercare

Dancing in the Daydream M. List

This is a terrible, terrible idea.

Yeah, this is also an excellent inspiration that you have to get out of your head before it slips away.

It’s still a terrible idea.

The rational part of your brain is having a debate with itself. Arguing which is best. Leave your spur-of-the-moment inspiration around and risk losing it. Or, you get your iPad-the sole tool for your writing because you don’t trust the internet and you hate typing on your phone - out of Andy’s study, and write it down as quickly as you could.

It’s such a good inspiration for a story!!!

Your sensible part of the brain, however, is instructing your body to get close to his study, when Andy is cooking in the kitchen downstairs.

Your rational part of the brain can’t help but remind you why your iPad is in his study in the first place.

Andy, your boyfriend slash professor, had you moved in with him months ago. You have started a wonderful relationship (with a lot of sex). And you get used to asking him for help. Namely, when you have poor control over yourself. Such as, you have a 2000-word essay that’s due in two days, and you haven’t written a single thing. To keep all distractions away, you’ve asked him to keep your iPad away from you.

You, here, right now, sneaking to his study to take back your iPad is a perfect demonstration of your poor self-control.

But it’s his big mistake to tell you where he put it! Plus, he’s cooking lunch! That gives you more than enough time to type the inspiration down and put it back and return to your room to write the essay! The sensible part of your brain screams. Just write the damn thing and back to your room before he notices anything!

Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

A little smirk jumps to your lips when you find your iPad lying there on his desk.

Looks like Lady Luck is favoring you today.

You sit on his large chair and grab your precious iPad in one fluid motion, typing your amazing inspiration down frantically when you hear an amused voice.

“What the hell y’ think you’re doin’?”

You freeze.

No.

It can’t be.

He should be downstairs cooking.

And there goes your luck.

“Wait, Andy, I can explain-” You raise your head from your iPad slowly, catching a glimpse of the corner of the “inspiration” document, which now has spun into the start of the story, showing you that you have typed down more than 700 words.

Oh shit.

You are not going to explain yourself out of this.

Andy crosses his arm. You don’t have to read his expression to know his whole face is written over the words “don’t bullshit me”.

Damn, he looks good in his old polo shirt, with the sleeves rolled up.

……and giving you more inspiration for a smutty chapter.

Sometimes, you hope you can shut your mind down.

He interrupts your plea, shaking his head, “uh-uh. You asked me to keep it away when you are writing your essay. I did. We even negotiated so that you can have it back in the evening for an hour of leisure writing.” He runs a hand across his beard, “This isn’t looking good for ya, Angel. And you know how much I hate it when you break the rules.”

Oh no.

OH NO!

Punishments!

You hate his punishments.

It’s no fun when spanking and edging are delivered so that you could learn a lesson.

“Andy please, you know how tricky inspiration can be.” You try to whine yourself out of this, “I have to write it down before it slips away.”

With an adorable little pout.

“Pleeeeaaaaaase? I’m sorry. I promise I’ll give up my evening writing time and get back to my essay now.” Because you (almost) finished typing it and you will definitely remember the general idea when you get back to it.

He rolls his sleeves up even more. Andy is not fooled, never fooled by your tactics.

“I was gonna spank you for being a brat and stealing your iPad away.” He states calmly, earning a pitiful whimper from you. He reaches his desk in a few large strides, hauling you up from his chair, and pulls a drawer out.

Which reveals itself full of toys, cuffs, and restraints.

You are definitely stealing some of them away next time so that he could never ever use them on you again.

Just thinking.

“On second thought, you have to sit down to finish your essay and you can’t do that with your ass red.”

Andy quickly finds what he was looking for, a vibrating egg. Now he is smirking.

“So, I’m gonna help you finish your essay on a reward basis.”

This doesn’t sound good.

At all.

“2000 words, let’s see… hmmm, here’s what we’re gonna do.” He gestures for you to lift the hem of your-his shirt.

Even worse when you have stolen his shirts as your own so you don’t have to wear pants around the house.

Andy straps the Velcro around your left thigh, pushes your panties to the side, and shoves the little egg in your channels.

Your body clenches down in response.

“You have a lunch break to get used to it. I made mac & cheese.” He says with a shit-eating grin, “then you’re going to get back to our room to write your essay. 2000 words, right? Every time you finish 500 words, you get an orgasm.” He pecks your lips, his beard burning your chin, “Careful, Angel, don’t even try to stall it. Let’s just say you will be very motivated to write.”

A loud smack lands on your ass, having you jump.

“That’s for going behind my back.” He peppers sweet kisses to your forehead, “Let’s eat, shall we?”

You knew it would be a punishment.

You never thought Andy would edge you to encourage you to write your essay.

The egg inside you vibrates at the lowest setting, while he sits by the bed, grading papers.

It took you two fucking hours to write the first 500 words.

And he edged you for two hours.

You are on the edge of desperation when you click “save” for your five hundred words. You don’t even bother to finish the sentence, before you half cry out. “Please, Andy.” You can barely stand up, your hand gripping the arm set, your legs intertwined together, your bones itching for release. You are forbidden to touch yourself, as he threatens with spreader bars to add to your “motivation”. At lease you can cross your legs to ease the tension between your thighs without the spreader bar.

“Andy, please.” You plop down in the soft bed on your stomach, lifting your hips up to avoid more pressure on your G-spot.

You reach his thigh, grasping the thin material of his boxers, burying your head beneath your arms as another wave of stimulation runs through your veins. “Please please please please…” You breathe, clenching down the soft beddings when the tiniest of motion on your skin senses as if a huge shock to your nerves, tears rolling down your cheek.

Andy raises your chin with his fingers, a small smirk on his lips. Seeing you cry gives him the utmost satisfaction even if the stimulation did not come from him directly.

“Please, Andy,” you moan, “please -”

Andy leans forward, pulling your body towards his, slowly stroking your tear-stained cheek, allowing you to sit on his lap.

Your legs trembling. Shaking. Your core drenched. Pulsing. You dare not sit.

Sitting means pushing the toy deeper. The torture stronger.

You shiver as his thumb glide over your goose-bump covered skin, as he has yet to make a move to remove the toy inside you.

“Let me cum, Andy,” you whimper, “Andy, please.”

“Alright.” He says in the lazy tone, turning the vibration up a notch in the next second.

Your legs start twitching uncontrollably. Tears prickle your eyes, gushing down like a stream. The burning need to release clouds your mind like a haze, driving away the last bit of thought from your head. You clench his shirt, his arm. Him holding you in place, palms wandering down your spine and your waist, holding you right next to him.

Andy kissing the top of your head, keeping you close to his body, “Shhh. Cum, Angel, make me proud.”

As if on cue, a sharp cry rips your throat. Your pussy leaking. Small dribbles of your cum slides down the silicone toy down to your thighs. You’re crying again, when he presses your head to his chest, telling you what a good girl you are, telling you are so good at obeying orders, telling you to breathe.

Throbbing. Stinging. Numbing. The cluster of nerves down your clit calming. The vibration stops somewhere in the middle. The toy out of your body.

You sigh for relief.

“… making me so proud. My sweet little angel. Taking the punishment so well, hmm?” Andy wipes the tears off your cheek, kissing your brows gently.

You sniffle, wiping the remaining tear-stain on his shirt, and lying on his chest as your pumping heart slows its beat.

“Now, Angel, what do we say when I punish you?” He caresses your cheek, cleaning your sweaty body with a cloth he prepared by the bed, looking into your eyes, which are still hazy and clouded with pleasure.

“Th-thank you, Sir.”

“And?”

“I’m sorry for breaking our promise and writing my inspiration on the iPad when I should be writing for my essay.”

“Good girl.”

Andy draws smooth circles on your shoulder and your back, waiting until you stop sniffling.

“Want me to run a bath, Angel? A small nap?”

You nod to the nap. Andy gets up to set an alarm for thirty minutes, and closes the blinds, dimming the light in the room.

He changes the stained sheet into a new and softer one, fluffing the pillow before closing the door behind him.

You claw onto him the minute he’s back in bed, easing the discomfort between your thighs by putting your leg above his.

He pats your back like you are some children asking for the company of their parents because they are scared of monsters under the bed, in this case, the monster lies in bed with you.

The big bad monster that bosses you around and tells you what to do and what not.

Your Andy.

Who knows you through and through. Knowing that you will behave for a while, at least before finishing this essay. Knowing you want physical closeness after a tense session. Knowing you desire skin to skin contact.

Knowing you will fall asleep quickly and be pouty when woken up by the alarm minutes later.

Knowing the punishment just might give you more inspiration about your next story.

[sunflowerandstrawberryspice]

Ninjago post crystalized HC

-Therapy (I was considering only writing that and posting lol)

-Everyone starts finally settling down and a couple of the ninja are even looking into college courses since a lot of their technical skills revolve around fighting and they're kinda sick of that.

-I like to think Jay and Nya open up a mechanic shop together with some silly name like Electric Wave or something along those lines.

-Pixal starts working with Cyrus Borg again

-I think Zane should be an EMT or something like that, since he can asses wounds and work really quickly and has endless knowledge in his database so I think it fits

-Cole probably takes a bit to figure out what he wants to do but I could honestly see him going into psychology since he's pretty empathetic and a chill dude (bestie literally made friends with a snow monster and some dude who'd been a ghost for centuries I think he's got the skill)

-Kai was kinda hard ngl but I think that since he's seemingly ending up with Skylor maybe he helps out at the noodle house? Honestly I'm not sure Kai is tricky for me.

-Lloyd goes into law to some degree, HERE ME OUT, he totally seems like the type who still wants to defend innocents and those who have been wronged and what better way to do that (that doesn't involve ninja powers) I could totally see him fighting so hard for like kids and stuff since his childhood was pretty jacked up too.

-Wu and Misako probably start adventuring again, though more for fun and not looking for answers to anything, it's just to learn more about the world.

-I think it would be funny if Garmadon got a painfully mundane job in an office, like a data entry person or some shit like that would be so funny (like imagine "Oh you need that done? Yeah go ask Folson" and then you find out "Folson" is fucking GARAMDON who's just like chilling at his desk with coffee like "What do you want?")

-Lloyd reconnects with some of his old friends and while they're still a little bedazzled by him but still

-The ninja probably do a couple interviews after Crystalized kinda finally sharing how they really feel and people are shocked how scared their hero's have been this entire time.

-The ninja totally compare scars, like "Dude I got my face scar from literally being turned into a ghost, it's cooler than yours" or "Are lightning scars cool if I accidentally did it myself?"

-Lloyd starts reconnecting with his father again and slowly but surly the man Garmadon once was begin to shine through bit by bit, not fully but clearly he's there.

-Cole helps with reconstruction once his powers start coming back

-They all meet up when they can to do something fun together

-In addition to the last prompt: Sometimes they need to get some energy out and they're like "I need to fight" and they get together to absolutely pummel each other to get the fight out until the next time (Zane has totally recorded a couple of these fights, a particularly flasy one between Kai and Cole is in fact on the internet and people go nuts over it)

-They all pick up hobbies to relax a little: Kai-wood burning Lloyd-felting Zane-baking (he still does it to wind down) Cole-crocheting Nya-knitting (her and Cole fight over which is better by) Jay-skating Pixal-drawing

-Garmadon get's more plants, him and Vinny's new place has the nicest front and back garden and the oxygen in their house is CRISP

-Cyrus Borg kinda adopts Zane like "I already have one nindroid child, what's one more?" they totally have family dinners and I'd like to imagine Pixal's partner (idk who but it's not Zane cause like sibling dynamic> anything) and Cole just kinda siting there with three super geniuses and the two are just like "I forget what I have for lunch sometimes"

-Everyone starts to heal and the world is better... at least until this new show (whether I think of it as cannon is dependent on how much I like it lol)

That's it for now, I will be back, that's a promise and a threat :)

[wombrion]

this is like a month late, but i'm the guy who asked if you posted any speedpaints before and i did this to train myself, not any ai. your art is very unique and i wanted to learn from your process (and i did! tysm). of course, ai data scraping is still something to be mindful of when posting anything on the internet, but i personally just think you're cool

agreed!!!!!!! i always learn the most from artists online when i can actually see the process live (esp when in my case its a bit tricky to put into words how i use color, lines, etc.. i find it easier to just see how its done) im glad i could help out!

[qqueenofhades]

You’re the second person I’ve seen reference the music of Swan Lake when talking about the potential fighting between Wagner and the Russian military proper. What is that about?

I encourage your effort to inform yourself, which is why I'll note that this is a question easily answered with a 10-second Google search. For example, if you search "swan lake russia coup" on Google right now, this is what pops up:

This first result is yesterday's article from Business Insider, explaining the significance of "Swan Lake" being played on Russian state TV during moments of domestic political turmoil (the last time being during the attempted coup against Mikhail Gorbachev in 1991). Note that Swan Lake is not actually being played on TV during the attempted coup of 2023, as far as we know, but that is what this is referencing.

If you're then interested in learning more about what the last Russian coup attempt involved, you could go to Wikipedia:

And hey! Now you're on your way.

This also goes for the people reblogging my initial post (from last night) with some variant of "there's no evidence for this!!!" or "I hope this is true but I don't think/know if it is." First of all, I literally said in my post that the only evidence for it at the time was what Prigozhin was saying. As I went to bed, the first videos were starting to appear, but there wasn't much confirmation or external verification.

Now there is much more photo and video evidence, providing an independently verifiable route for the Wagner mercenaries from Rostov, to Voronezh, to Lipetsk, to (evidently) Moscow. We don't know exactly what's going on or how it will end, and it's always a good idea to question everything that comes out of Russia, as their official government channels/power structure lies about everything all the time. However, if you're interested in reviewing the evidence for yourself or making a determination as to what has been verified, there are options! For example, here is the Guardian's liveblog:

Basically: not everything is a "gotcha" where Superior Internet Users need to find some way to prove that I'm actively lying to them, and you don't need to fall back on "learned helplessness" when hearing things on social media and wanting to find some way to externally verify them through other news sites. Obviously it can be tricky, and I stress again, nobody knows for sure what's going on. But something definitely is going on, this has now been confirmed by a number of external video/photo/government/other entities both outside and inside Russia, and we will have to wait like everyone else to see what happens next.

[ekingston]

I was gonna be cheeky and ask for 10 and 19 again BUT I shall resist that urge… for now.

I will be sneaky (critical failure) and ask for three (I lied) 28. 30. And 37.

And what the hell, everyone should be proud of their work/s so a 33. (Feel free to pick a couple if this is just asking for a lot - I feel like it is 😅)

I feel like I’m order takeout or reading lotto number here

haha thank you! and the bonus number is…

Any writing advice that works for you and you feel like sharing?

today i’m reminding myself to practice mindfulness! and not in the sense of breathing exercises or lengthy meditation sessions (although I’m sure those have their benefits too) but by making myself be in the present, paying attention to all of my senses, and remembering that my characters would do the same. you’ll need that material to fill in the little details that draw the reader into your work, that tricky thing that makes them feel like they can’t just see it, but like they’re actually there. life is a sensual experience, and i think our stories should reflect that!

Describe a fic that almost happened, but then didn’t.

this got long, so…

i once scribbled down a dream i had that was a sort of trippy time travel/repeating day type of thing, where Lena was part of a small crew of criminals that used Lena’s tech to travel back in time to aid them with their heists. they would simply rewind time over and over, taking note of the details, learning every possible outcome, eliminating obstacles along the way, practicing the motions often enough to nail the final, perfect execution.

the first scene was a very bloody one, and i came in right in the middle of it, not understanding how Lena and her people could be so callous about the people laying bleeding and dying at their feet, especially because Kara was one of them. Lena’s crew just kept saying they’d ‘fix that next time’, like some sort of cryptic mantra.

in the dream Lena ended up looking for Kara in every run through, charming her in a thousand different ways, always the same, Kara falling for her every time. there were a few rewinds that took her back so far that Kara was still a child, immediately smitten but completely lost on earth, abandoned and alone, and Lena lobbied hard to make sure her crew fixed that, too, even when it meant Lena would never meet her again.

i saw Lena’s crew running down a dark alley over and over again, at least one of their crew dead or dying, at least one other gravely hurt. Kara turned out to be the reason their plan failed every single time. Lena ended up having to turn against her team to save her before they could eliminate her from their timeline completely.

in the end Lena lay dying in child-Kara’s arms, telling her ‘we’ll fix it next time.’ this was when she’d finally discovered Kara wasn’t human. the line i woke up with was Lena telling Kara to promise her, ‘if you figure it out someday—fly up’. the theory being, i think, that if Kara somehow were to fly high enough, fast enough, she’d achieve the same effect Lena did with her tech, and Kara could go back to save Lena instead.

my dreams get pretty elaborate, but they rarely come with as tidy of a plot as this one did, so i bet it already exists somewhere.

Do you research before writing or while you write? Is it fun or boring for you?

i don’t feel i write the kind of stuff that requires a lot of research and that’s probably a good thing! because i will go down absolutely every rabbit hole the internet has to offer when i do and zero writing will get done. my longform WIP TFOT has been brewing since—let me check—December 11, 2022 (thanks @mooosicaldreamz) and i’ve written less than 20k words, including my outline. instead i have spent my time working on it ‘studying’ veterinary medicine, learning about sustainable agriculture, planning trips to Wyoming and wondering alongside Paula Cole where all the cowboys have gone.

Give your writing a compliment.

i can’t tell you how happy it makes me when people tell me i managed to write something that made them laugh out loud. several times even! sometimes waking up their loved ones or startling strangers! i love that so much.

[themandylion]

2022 Fic Round-Up

Happy New Year! In 2022, I wrote 29 new stories and 85,622 words*. Here’s all the stuff I wrote in 2022!

2019 Fic Round-Up | 2020 Fic Round-Up | 2021 Fic Round-Up

Teen Morphology - 16k, JayTim. Gotham Academy's newest student is smart, funny, hot—and also constantly lying through his teeth about who he is and where he comes from.

Renegades - 11k, JayTim. Sometimes, all it really takes to make the world a brighter place is a good handle on your anger management. A softer version of Tim's search for Bruce in Red Robin.

Deep Destinies - 864, JayTim. Two mers lying in the seagrass, talking about destiny.

Vigilante Life Cycle - 2k, gen. When Jason digs himself out of his grave, there's someone there to help him. Again. (Part 2 of Vigilante Life Cycle.)

There Are Many Advantages - 944, JayTim. A marine biologist consults with a terrestrial biologist. (Part 2 of MerMemes.)

Grey Ghosts - 2k, gen. "We guard those that guard our cities and the people in them. We find them when they die and prepare them to live again, as they so often do." (Part 1 of Vigilante Life Cycle.)

Sharks Are So Smooth - 696, JayTim. T’m is dispensing hot takes on sharks as learned from the internet. (Part 1 of MerMemes.)

Shifting Compromise - 3k, JayTim. Red Hood and Red Robin are trapped in a tricky situation with little to no hope of rescue on the horizon. Luckily, Red Robin has a hidden talent. Jason just wishes he didn't have to be so frickin' good at it. (Part 1 of Fuzzy Business.)

Tiim Travel - 3k, JayTim, Jason&Tim. Red Hood is in a safehouse only Red Robin is supposed to know about. Hard to believe the most logical explanation is time travel.

Unsafe Hobbies - 5k, JayTim. Tim discovers something in his old photos that sheds new light on a case from Jason's time as Robin.

Contraband Catch-All - 4k, JayTim. Officially, no one is supposed to work weekends. Unofficially, sometimes Storage has other ideas. (Part 4 of Earth and Alpf'ch'l.)

The Icing on the— - 1k, JayTim. It would seem that Tim took the Batmobile out for a bit of fun and failed to clean it before turning in for the night.

Shake Apart - 8k, JayTim. Robin keeps insisting on putting himself between Tim and danger. (Part 3 of Vigilante Life Cycle.)

Pull Together - 4k, gen. Jason does everything Robin needs to do—small acts of kindness mixed with great feats of heroism—as he slowly feels out this new role he's taken on. (Part 4 of Vigilante Life Cycle.)

In Danger of Overheating - 3k, DickTim. Dick is not sulking after being confronted with certain truths, and he is definitely handling the unexpected scantily clad catboy in his apartment in an adult manner. Really.

Deer - 238, original work. The language you're raised with heavily influences the way you perceive the world.

In Tandem, Now - 6k, gen. Getting Tim back proves infinitely harder than spiriting him out of the city was. (Part 5 of Vigilante Life Cycle.)

Fic or Treat - 100-word drabbles done for Halloween: - Lingering (Tim&Cass, and a ghost) - Unreasonable Request (200 words, part 6 of Fuzzy Business) - Haul (JayTim) - Rouge (Red Hood and a goon) - Shared (TimBer) - Tired (JayDami) - Moon (Part 2 of Fuzzy Business) - Sweater (Part 8 of Tales from the House of Mau) - Tradition (Follow up to Shine a Light) - Prudence (Follow up to Three Birds in Flight) - Turning (DickTim)

This Is Not a Hallmark Christmas Movie - 9k, JayTim. Jason makes a project out of DI’s CEO after Tim’s girlfriend dumps him for a Christmas-tree farmer. Not!fic.

*(Technically inaccurate because I also wrote an epic campire/not!fic with Kieran Granola in 2022, but we’re still futzing about editing it. >.> )

[thegothicalice]

Hi! I want to watch more films and well you are kinda the person to ask! So how do you find the time to watch so many films? How do you come up with what to watch and where/how do you tend to watch them?

And any other tips and tricks?

Oh boy, this is a slightly tricky question? But to start— loving movies is a full-on hobby that I make time for, including researching and learning a lot about film history, meta analysis and other things I have shelves of books about.

For one, I’ve used the tv as background noise while doing other things since roughly middle school— so it’s very common for me to watch a movie during breakfast and dinner, and do multiple movies during days off that I’m working on some kind of project. It’s a whole “if I’m not doing two things at once I can’t pay attention to either” situation. (And when I was doing 45-60 hours a week of drawing homework in college and still could find the pirating websites I can’t use anymore I watched so many movies).

I am very much a horror nerd. And in general, the horror community can be like being part of a club and being able to know director filmographies and intricacies of subgenres is part of that community— and since a lot of the actors and directors and effects people worked together in this kind of weird expanding web it makes exploring the genre kind of like a game (like I like The Thing and oh Rob Bottin worked on The Howling too and learned the craft from Rick Baker who was the first to get an Oscar for special effects makeup while working on An American Werewolf in London that John Landis directed but he also did the vampire movie Innocent Blood like ten years later and—). There’s a reason my Letterboxd watchlist never seems to dip below 600 even watching at least once movie every day.

I use Shudder a lot, but also Prime, Hulu and Tubi, and occasionally there’s stuff free on YouTube. I also hoard a lot of physical media. Since I’ve recently given up on Netflix I’ve been finding bootleg Blu-ray’s on eBay, because relying on internet when I’ve had many years of bad Wi-Fi and also a deep love of special features and commentary means physical media is something important to me (there’s a whole thing about preserving history outside of the internet’s ability to make things disappear but that’s a whole other conversation)

(This is about 8’x5’)

Like I can have whole long diatribes about movies, because it’s a thing I get really into— I did rope one of my friends into a whole thing explaining the moral and existential concepts in Saw and Hostel II and the way to make PG-13 horror films function successfully and why 2000s horror in relation to American political landscape was Like That for almost an hour yesterday— which is why giving advice for new or casual watchers is tricky for me 😅

Anyway I have no clue if any of that was helpful but good luck!

[erose-this-name]

How the fuck do you pronounce Izutsumi

I keep pronouncing it as Itsuzumi and Itsutsumi, but it's Izutsumi, fuxk.

Anyone else do this? I'm normally pretty good (they lied) with foreign pronunciation, but this one keeps tripping me up.

In English (American, anyway, not sure about other accents [dialects? {languages??}]) we almost never pronounce a Z right after a vowel. It's not Na-Zee, it's Natsi. It's not Pi-zza, it's Peetsa. It's not Mozart, it's Motsart.

This is very consistent, even with loan words. (unless it's Benghazi???)

What makes this even funnier is because of this and contractions like "it's", the [t͡s] sound is actually pretty common in English phonology. But most of us seem to be convinced that it's FOREIGN and ASIAN, making words like Tsunami or General Tsao IMPOSSIBLE TO PRONOUNCE! ...UNLESS YOU KNOW HOW TO BEATBOX! WHICH IS ALSO IMPOSSIBLE TO DO!!!

Anyways, my point is [z] and [t͡s] sound the same to the English ear, and since I know this I often overcompensate, which makes words containing both right after the other like Izutsumi really tricky.

Which is kinda like how Japanese learning English are infamous for often confusing L and R then overcompensating and switching the two, because those sound the same to Japanese people as they are also interchangeable in Japanese.

I just think that's funny.

Unless you're a Millenial/Zoomer, like I am! (if you are, you have my condolences).

Then you can even replace the [t] with a glottal stop. Instead of pizza or peetsa, it's "pee'sa".

Yes, I lied. I actually mispronounce it as "I'susumi".

It's becoming increasingly common among American Millennials to pronounce Ts in the end or middle of words as a glottal stop. (possibly from listening to Bri'ish people on the internet???).

Which, of course, is even more hilarious to me. Because THERE ISN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKIN' T IN THERE!!! THE MISPRONUNCIATIONS ARE COMPOUNDING!!

But it gets worse. Because, I also have the terminal throat condition known as Being From Chicago. I actually pronounce it as "I'suzooomy, duh' reladible autistic ca'-gurl from thuh anime Dungeon Meshi."

Because the only thing we Chicagoans love more than losing at sportsball and being annoyed by tourists who think deep dish is the same thing as Chicago style pee'sa is having extremely fucking inconsistent pronunciations of T and Th. It's not that we can't pronounce them, we just overcomplicate pronouncing them with a grab bag of Gaelic bullshit.

[carusolikey]

The Blue Hour

a Max Phillips & Bloodsucking Bastards FanFic

Chapter 3: This is the Skin of a Killer, Bella

This week on 'The Blue Hour' - a Max Phillip's vampire always pays their debts. We’re finally going to learn the true definition of a Peña Colada (get your notebooks ready, this will be on the final), and we’ll be playing a tricky game of “Are You Smarter Than a Twilight Vampire?” Reader beware, you're in for graphic fare!

Pairing: Max Phillips of Bloodsucking Bastards x afab!fem!reader

Rating: Explicit / NSFW 18+ (No Minors)

Author’s Note: I wrote this piece during the month of April 2024 - Adenomyosis Awareness Month, and the idea came to me during March 2024 (Endometriosis Awareness Month). This will not have any type of pregnancy kink, but will touch on infertility of OC due to the aforementioned; canon for this story is also that Vampires are infertile - there will be no Renesmé. OC is intended to be around the same age as Max, reader’s choice up or down, but no age gap. Because older afab/fem lovers are sexy - we drink and we know things.

Warnings: This will continue to be a blanket coverage of this point forward.

A bit of rough sex/smut (fingering, fem penetration - P in V, oral [m + f receiving]), food play, 18+ only content, able bodied fem afab reader, alcohol consumption, non-gendered pet names, fem can be carried and has hair - though length is not mentioned, consensual "bondage", some use of y+n - but not explicitly, though consensuality is implied and intended through actions and reactions, no protection used for Vampire reasons TBD (be wise and always use protection, this is fiction). Did attempt to stay away from gendered pronouns and nicknames, although did use the word woman, 3 times throughout the entire piece (not fully published yet) referring to OC. Discussion of history of endo / adeno, and future chapter will mention previous relationship / SA; there will also be Vampire hunting, murdering, and blood….sucking bastards.

Wordcount: 8k + a few, but who's counting?

Return to the Masterlist!

Shaking my head, I tried to pretend like I didn’t just wake up with a pillow tightly squeezed between my legs, and let out a huge, exasperated sigh, screaming a little bit into the pillow my head laid upon.

“Siri, play My Song 5 by Haim.”

“I’m sorry, I’m having trouble connecting to the internet.” 

“Gaaaah!” I groaned in anguish. “Fine. I’ll do it the hard way.”

Opening up Spotify on my phone, I flipped to my mega, 78 hour and 53 minutes long playlist and searched, clicking on the song I wanted.

The rough beat perfectly matched my grumpy mood at waking up so unreasonably horny. Dammit, I thought to myself, I cannot be this starved for the Vitamin D.

I got out of bed and noticed Mr. Rochester, forlornly abandoned on the floor. Oooh, better wash him off. 

As I gave Mr. Rochester a thorough scrub, laying him on a clean hand towel on the side of the bathroom sink, I felt my stomach grumble. Whew - I guess Max really did give me a workout last night! I blushed, grinning to myself as I thought of his charming grin with its dimple, the way he looked up at me, as I pulled on his tie - the feeling of straddling him as I sat on his lap, facing him. 

Quickly giving my face a wash and brushing my teeth, I tried to put those thoughts out of my head. Once I was done in the bathroom, I put on a robe and went straight into the kitchen - opting to start my day with Yerba Mate instead of coffee.

Oh, dear. You must have it bad, if coffee is reminding you too much of his eyes. I shook my head, trying to think of what I might do with my day off instead. Books to catch up on? Poetry to write? Call my sister? No. She can always tell when something’s up with me. Call my mom? Maybe - she loves telling me about the latest hometown gossip, and I can just listen while I do something productive, like - OH! That hat I need to finish knitting! Perfect. 

After making some toast with peanut butter and strawberry jam, and enjoying a bowl of fresh strawberries and blueberries, I was just about to call my mom when a text popped up from Max. It was a gif of Ryan Reynolds making a sassy come hither face, with the words, “you up?” flashing underneath. 

I giggled to myself and texted him back, “Yes, Ryan Reynolds. I am.”

Immediately the text dots popped up, and Max’s response came through, “Mind if I stop by? I believe I have something that belongs to you.”

Looking down at my robe and silk set, I had to think for a moment, “Uh, I’m not dressed yet, if you want to give me 10-15 minutes?”

Almost instantaneously, Max’s reply came through, “Don’t get dressed on account of me.” Followed by a prompt knock on the door that caused me to spill tea over a small portion of the dining table.

“Oh, no.”

I jumped up and reached over the kitchen bar for paper towels, calling out, “I’ll be right there!”

Unwrapping about 20 towels from the roll, which was significantly more than needed, I cleaned up the spill as quickly as possible, then hurriedly tossed the paper towels in the trash. Finally, I headed straight to the door while adjusting my hair and checking my teeth on my phone camera. Alright, that’s as good as it gets! I opened the door, and Max was leaning against the door frame - his grin pulled up to one side, dimple on full display, better than I remembered.

Mr. Vilallonga’s door was open, but he had his hand over his eyes as he picked up yet another package, already apologizing, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry….” 

“I told him that he has to do that from now on.” Max smiled a big toothy grin, his eyes crinkling, as he stepped away from the door frame and entered the apartment.

He closed the door behind him as he gave me a kiss on the forehead.

Laughing, shocked at Max’s gall and a little impressed that he went to such lengths to ensure that I wouldn’t be caught in the same compromising position again - my hand instinctively went to my forehead, as I shook my head and ran my fingers through my hair.

“It’s okay. He likes it.” Max assured me, giving me another kiss on the cheek and the neck.

As he straightened up, I realized that he was holding a bouquet of white orchids and white magnolias. They smelled absolutely wonderful, fragrant and sweet like a bakery in the morning - a bit of vanilla, with a hint of citrus and honey, and the musky scent of lemon-verbena. 

“Is this the thing that belongs to me?” I asked, my tone of voice betraying me, revealing my surprise and delight immediately.

“Well, it’s - part - of the thing that I believe belongs to you. It’s sort of an apology.” Max scrunched up his nose, looking a little self-conscious. That’s funny, I thought, never thought I’d see him with that look on his face.

I took the flowers into the kitchen, giving them a happy inhale, as Max followed closely behind. Opening a cabinet next to the sink, I let my eyes roam until I spotted what I was looking for on one of the top shelves. Hmm… a bit high. Max reached above me and grabbed the deep red, clear glass vase.

“Thank you!”

“Anytime.”

He smiled down at me, and then leaned on the counter as I trimmed the ends of the flowers before placing them in the vase. As I arranged the last flower, he pulled out a small box he’d had tucked under his arm.

“I believe I owe you a debt.”

“What??” looking at him, confused, I hesitantly took the small, thin blue box. He raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms, waiting for me to open it.

Carefully, cautiously, I gave a light tug on the ribbon, which easily gave way and then set it on the counter. I took off the lid and folded back the tissue paper, biting my lip as I laid eyes on the loveliest vintage silk, teal and black lace silk bra. My mouth slightly agape, I set down the box, holding up the bra and admiring it.

“There’s more,” Max nodded towards the box on the counter, and I eagerly peered into the box.

“Oh, really?” I asked, giving him a cheeky little laugh.

Inside the box was a matching garter of the same vintage teal silk and black lace, and a pair of black thigh highs with the seam going up the back.

“They should fit, if you want to try them on,” Max gazed at me expectantly.

“So vampires have the ability to actually size people up by looking at them? That’s a thing?” I asked him dubiously.

“Well –” he began, a bit apprehensively, “I did grab your moderately destroyed lingerie this morning, when you left the room, so that I could replace it with the correct size. I felt pretty bad about wrecking it. Even though I loved it in the moment - sorry?”

He shrugged his shoulders, and to be honest, his apology was very half-hearted, and I had the distinct feeling that it wasn’t going to be the last time he ripped an item of clothing off my body. At least judging by the playful glint in his eye.

“Tentatively forgiven, Max. Tentatively.”

Squinting at him, I continued, “I reserve the right to rescind that absolution should the crime be repeated. In which case, recurrent offenses may be subject to increased punishments and fines. As per prevailing statutes regarding Lingerie Law.”

“Oh, of course. Lingerie Law - that’s closely related to Bird Law, right?”

“Obviously. The fact that you even have to ask.” I scoffed at him.

He laughed, and then took both of my hands in his, locking his eyes with mine, “Please try on the lingerie. Please.”

“Of course.” I felt my cheeks flush, and Max leaned in, kissing me on the lips - gentle, sweet, but firm in their resolve to get me good and kissed.

Gathering up the box of lingerie, tissue paper, ribbon, I took it with me into my bedroom and closed the door behind me. Inspecting the contents of the box, I was struck not only by how tasteful the lingerie was, but how it was really exactly my style. It was weird to feel… so seen by something so - simple? Naughty? Sexy? 

Putting it on, it fit perfectly, and it felt very nice as it hugged all of my curves in all of the right spots. I looked in the mirror and felt a little bit like Bettie Page, it was empowering.

Taking the ribbon from the box, I tied it in my hair like a headband. It felt like I was missing something, so I took a look in my closet, a smirk crossing my face as my eyes strayed toward the perfect accessories. 

Walking out of my bedroom in some patent leather Mary Jane style shoes and a lovely long red floral robe draped over my shoulders, letting the lingerie peek-a-boo through, Max looked up - immediately dropping his crossed arms, standing up straighter, and his jaw dropping slightly.

“What, this old thing?” I teased.

“Yeah. Yes. That old thing.” He walked over to me, taking my hand and bringing it up above my head, giving me a twirl, “Max likey. Max likey a lot.”

“Oh! So I’ve earned third person accolades?”

“Uh-huh.” Max kept nodding and spun me into his arms. As his eyes washed over me, he dazedly continued, “I have something else I want to share with you.”

“Something else?” I asked, incredulously. What more could he have for me? This felt like quite enough. Although, I was curious. Dammit. Damn my curiosity.

He stepped back, and reached into the inside pocket of his jacket, sitting on one of the dining table chairs. I had no idea what to expect, but I certainly was not prepared for what he presented to me.

“What do you think of this?” He smirked, “They were just going to throw these out at work!”

It was an old school label maker. The really old kind that had a dial for the letters, and for each letter you had to squeeze the handle very tightly in order to get it to make an impression on the label tape. They were a pain to use, but to be fair, those types of label makers always made the wickedest labels.

“Okay, that’s actually pretty cool, Max.” I admitted, “But what made you think of me when they were getting rid of it?”

“Well, I was thinking it would be helpful - we could use it to label our relationship.”

“Label the relationship? How do you mean?” intrigued, I wanted to hear where he was going with this.

“As in–” he started punching letters into the label maker, “EXACTLY–” punch, punch, punch, “what–” punch, punch, punch – punch, punch, “I–” punch, punch, “said.” punch. 

He finished, very satisfied with himself, and held up the finished product - a label that said, “Max’s Favorite”, with a huge smile on his face. Max immediately pulled off the protective paper on the back, and stuck the label on my forehead.

Admiring his work aloud, “Perfect.”

I felt a bit less sexy with a label on my forehead.

Max was all in on the label maker, he kept punching in more letters, and the next thing he came up with was, “Best Kisser,” putting it right on my chin. Followed by, “Sexiest Décolletage,” just below my clavicles, “Stinkiest In a Good Way,” on my neck, “Most Likely to Be Bitten by a Vampire,” on my wrists. 

And then he got really excited and asked me, “Where’s Mr. Rochester?” 

Confused, I gave him the downlow, the lowdown, the 411, the fax - no printer, the webmd, the no cap, “Mr. Rochester has retired to the bath - he’s taking a day off.”

“Good!” Max sassily and decidedly replied.

When he came back from the bathroom, he showed me Mr. Rochester, who now had his own label: “UNEMPLOYED”.

“Unemployed? Did you just fire my vibrator?!” I exclaimed, shocked that he would take the initiative to terminate my household staff’s employment. Frowning, “I think that’s outside of your purview.”

Max shrugged, setting Mr. Rochester on the dining table behind me and then picked me up, gliding easily from my little dining nook into the kitchen area, where he delicately set me on top of the L-shaped peninsula of the kitchen counter. I crossed one leg over the other, as I leaned forward with my palms on the edge of the counter.

“Well, Mr. Phillips - it seems like you’ve got a prerogative for this evening.”

He put his hands on either side of me, looking down at my legs, my chest, while talking, “I do, actually. But I - I wanted to ask you something.” He looked up into my eyes, waiting for me to give him the go ahead.

“That’s fine. Ask away.”

“How are you feeling today?”

I laughed, “I’m good. I’m very good, Max.”

“No. No, I mean–” he hesitated again, biting his lip, “was I too rough with you last night? Are you sore or in pain?”

“Oh.” I sighed. “Okay.”

“I really - I would hate myself if I hurt you.”

“Listen–” I took ahold of his hands and looked him straight in the eyes, “After the second surgery, I went on a bunch of dates and felt obligated to tell the men I dated that I was still in healing mode, and that kids might be an issue - if they were looking for something serious.”

Taking my right hand, I brushed my fingers through a little curl forming along his forehead. 

“Which sucked, of course, because who wants to hear about that right away? Although I felt like it wasn’t fair to let someone get emotionally involved with me if my endo was going to be a problem for them. And I wanted someone who could be gentle as I was healing. Unfortunately, it led to a lot of them being afraid to have sex with me. A real bunch of cowards they were.”

Max’s eyes took on a watery depth, not quite on the brink of crying, but of deep warmth and caring. 

“At this point, I’m many months post-op, and while my hormones are still driving me a bit batty,” he flinched as I said that, “I’m in much, much better shape - I evicted the organ that was causing the most pain, and I’m way hornier now. It might seem like ‘in theory’ I don’t have as much space for you, but vaginas are magical organs that get really stretchy the more turned on they get. I mean - it’s built for pushing out a new human, so… it’s good to go. Do not back down on my account. You know what Hal Sparks said, right?”

He squinted at me, and I went on, “Pussy bleeds every month and it never dies - it’s like The Predator.”

Max burst out laughing, “Okay! Okay! I trust that you’ll let me know, I won’t back down.” 

“Good. Do not go gentle into that good night.”

“I will not. I will rage until the dying of the light,” he said passionately, still chuckling.

“Now, I will admit that while I can take a pounding –” Max tilted his head, curious where I was going with this statement, “I’m actually extremely sensitive to a lot of other things, because of the whole residual nerve sensitivity - my body tends to be on high alert when it comes to most of my senses, touch - very much so, taste, smell, sometimes I can be sensitive to sound / noises, super bright lights. Besides sound and light, the other senses can actually be very sensual with the right person.”

“Oh, reaeeaaallly?” Max asked, an idea seemingly sparked within him.

“Yeah. Totally.”

He reached over and pulled the vase of flowers he brought closer to the two of us, “Do you know why I chose white orchids and magnolias?”

“They’re beautiful, and I love them!?” He turned and looked at me. “But other than that, no.”

“All flowers have meanings. White orchids can be used to convey hope - new beginnings,” he raised his eyebrow as he looked at me.

“Magnolias represent beauty, and in Victorian times it was the flower of choice for lovers sending correspondence. But the white magnolia in particular, well - it represents the Lunar Goddess.” He brushed his fingers across my cheek, then drew them down the line of my jaw, stopping at my chin, where he held my face so that I was looking up at him - his thumb gently stroking my bottom lip.

“My beautiful, midnight, Lunar Goddess.”

I smiled up at him, and kissed his thumb.

His eyes grew wide, “I want to try something.”

“Uh, okay?”

“I want to test your sensitivity.”

“Uhhhhh….”

“We can try it, and if you hate it as soon as I start, we’ll stop, but I have a feeling - you’re going to enjoy it.”

I shrugged, “Okay, Max. I guess - I trust you.”

He gave me a look like his heart was going to burst when he heard that, pausing only for a moment, and then getting back to the business at hand. 

“Let’s remove your outer layer, shall we?” He gestured to my floral robe, and I used both hands to release it from my shoulders.

Max sat and stared for a moment, pleased with how well the lingerie fit and looking like he couldn’t decide whether to keep it on me or take it off. Slowly, he took his gaze off me, and reached for a stem of orchids from the vase.

I cocked my head to the side, unsure how he was going to proceed.

He took the orchids, and reaching out, let them lightly drag down the crook of my neck and across my clavicle.

My skin pricked up, I could feel the sensation rushing to my nipples as he drew the petals down across my new silk bra.

Quivering, my hands gripped the counter. Max followed the line of my bra strap, up around my back and he walked behind me. Feeling the bra unclasp, one of his hands lightly loosened the straps so that the bra fell forward, while the other continued to trail the orchid up and down my spine. My breathing quickened, and I felt my legs start to shake a bit as my vagina clenched, breasts moving up and down as I tried to pace my breathing - and closed my eyes.

“Look at me.”

I opened my eyes, and Max was in front of me again, watching me with his mouth slightly open, his tongue hungrily, precipitously waiting between two slightly open lips. 

Drawing the flowers across my untethered breasts, over my peaked nipples, my legs clamped together like a vice. Gingerly moving the orchids lower, underneath my breasts, around my rib cage, moving straight down my stomach, towards the top of the garter.

The moment he got to the top of the garter, I let out a small squeak of a moan, and he immediately put the flower back in the vase, tapping my knee with one hand, and grabbing the back of my neck with the other as he pulled me in for an extremely passionate, breathtaking kiss. 

Like an upside down Heinz 57 Ketchup bottle tapped in just the right spot, my legs opened for him, and he used his available hand to start massaging my pussy and clitoris through the fabric. Meanwhile, he continued to open me up with his kisses, deep and rolling into me like waves from the ocean. Right as we came up for air, he immediately began kissing down my neck and focusing his fingers on my clitoris, moving in steady, focused circles, until I gasped.

Max pulled back, his breathing a bit deeper. He walked over to the sink and washed his hands, and immediately I knew what he was planning on doing. The effort, though - the consideration, knowing what I’d been through, and not taking any risks with my body. Fuck. That’s hot. Coming back over to me, he gave me another intense kiss, and then leaned me back down on the countertop, sliding my lingerie down my waist, and off completely. As I laid there on the counter, he put his left hand on my lower abdomen, and with his right middle finger, he started massaging against my cunt and up to my clitoris, his left hand slowly moving up my abdomen towards the middle of my chest, right between my breasts.

I arched my back, feeling the power of his hands on me, in me, but not trying to hold me down. Just trying to please me. Slowly, Max leaned his face over to where his right hand worked me, his thumb switching places with his middle finger, stimulating my clit with steady, firm circles, and licked into my vagina. I clenched and twitched, and his left hand moved to my breast, massaging, squeezing, then focusing on the nipple, giving it small pinches. Moaning in pleasure, I looked down my body at Max, who was staring right back at me - eyes crinkling. I couldn’t see his mouth, but his eyes were definitely smiling.

He moved up a bit, switching places with his hand so that his mouth was sucking on my clit, and his middle finger was pumping and curling inside me. Trembling, I grabbed onto his left hand, still on my breast, and through haphazard breaths, “I’m coming - I’m coming.”

With an involuntary jerk, I almost kicked him, but he held my leg in place, easily. Stars exploded as my vagina clamped and convulsed around his finger, which continued moving into me as it gradually altered to a slower pace. As the ebb and flow of my orgasm finally ceased, Max pulled his finger out and stuck it in his mouth all the way up to his knuckle - licking the entire thing clean, saying, “Mmmmm,” the entire time, while I laughed and covered my face.

Max pushed the vase of flowers further back from where I was on the counter, to give me a little space as I sat up, but almost knocked it over. “Oh, shit! What’s this?” 

“Whoops. I think I accidentally left that out - from the last time I used it.” I grimaced in a classic “Whoops! My bad!” expression.

Smirking as he chuckled, Max cupped my face in one hand, and used the other hand to pick up the jar that nearly caused the fall of the house of orchids, examining the label closely.

“Organic, virgin, unrefined, cold-pressed, natural coconut oil, preservative free and fragrance free.” He scrunched his nose up at the jar, then said, “That feels like a lot to ask of your coconut oil.” 

“Hey! Only the best for me!”

“Okay, fair enough. What do you use this for?”

“Well,” I started, “it’s great for skin, for lip care, for hair, and - are you allergic to coconut?”

Max shook his head. “No. I like coconut a lot, actually.”

“Okay, that’s good.” I gave him a sly smile. “Why don’t you hand me the jar, and a spoon out of the second drawer there,” I gestured to a middle drawer across from the peninsula I was sitting on.

“Hmm. Okay.”

Max inquisitively handed me the jar, turned to the designated spoon drawer and retrieved the required item. Which, he then handed to me, as I sat there naked as a jaybird, save for the black thigh highs and heels.

I opened the jar and scooped out a very small amount of coconut oil with the spoon, closing the jar again. 

“Hey Siri, play Playa Tropical by Passion Coco.” I called out.

Max raised an eyebrow, “Oh, this requires mood music?”

As the retro-surfer beat and reverb-drenched, twangy guitar started playing, I gave Max a cheeky grin, “Would you rather be asking questions or receiving right now?”

Bringing his hand up to his mouth, he made the international symbol of locking his trap and throwing away the key, an eager and excited expression etched on his face.

With the spoon in one hand, I grabbed Max’s tie with the other. Why is he always, always wearing a three-piece suit every time I see him? It’s just not fair. Tugging him towards me just a little bit at a time as I wrapped his tie around my hand, I brought Max close, but not too close. Dropping the tie, I used that same hand to unbutton the top button of his pants and unzip the zipper. Untucking his shirt, I was able to reach his navy blue boxer briefs, slowly pushing them down in the front and I was not disappointed. I could see the top of his shaft was already hard and licked my lips, as I reached my hand inside the briefs to pull out his dick. Glancing up at Max, his eyes were trained on my hand on his cock, his jaw clenching and unclenching. 

Letting his penis free of the confines of his pants, I released it and Max let out the breath he’d been holding. Using the spoon to apply the coconut oil to my free hand, I rubbed the oil between my hands to warm it up. Then taking my fragrant, slick hands, I reached down, making a loose circle with each, index finger to thumb. I tenderly and deliberately placed one hand in front of the other, over and over and over again, in the same direction. Max happily moaned, reaching up and grabbing my breast, until I reversed directions and he jerked slightly. His breathing became a bit more labored, and he leaned in to give me some heated kisses along my neck, holding himself up on my shoulders.

I could tell he was getting closer, and there was no way I was letting him get any further without tasting him. Slowing down with my hands, I slid off the counter, submitting myself on my knees for him - licking the precum off the tip of his exquisite, mouthwatering cock. Bringing him into my mouth, wrapping my lips around his coconut flavored dick, I felt like I was finally on the vacation I always wanted - sipping from the exact tall, delicious drink of which I’d always dreamed. Swirling my tongue just past the head, applying just a little bit of pressure on the just the right spot, feeling him shiver with pleasure, I couldn’t help but move one hand down my own body.

As I knelt on the floor looking up at him, he looked straight back down into my eyes with his mouth slightly agape - his penis in my mouth, one hand working his shaft, my other hand working my own clit. He tried to speak, “I’m gonna - can I - can - in your mouth?”

I nodded, continuing what I was doing so that he could finish inside me, and then I felt the abrupt convulsions in my hand, in my mouth, while Max’s whole body shuddered, and felt the warm, sticky cum running down my throat. The taste of coconut, with rum raisin, pineapple and a bit of salt - it was unusual, but seemed to be Max’s signature flavor and I licked that dick clean, while he leaned over me, watching.

“Sweetness, that was fucking hot.”

I looked up at him from the floor, and he offered his hand, lifting me up.

“Watching you masturbate while sucking my dick –” he shook his head, almost in disbelief, “But I can tell you still have a lot of heat and tension, and I’m gonna fuck that right out of you.”

I let out a loud guffaw, and covered my mouth, “Are you?”

He stepped closer to me, pressing me against the kitchen counter, “That’s satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back.”

I could feel his dick already starting to get hard again as it pressed into my hip.

Immediately, I started unbuttoning his vest, which he pulled off as I started working on the buttons on his shirt, which he yanked off and tossed on the floor. Then he pulled his pants and briefs off, leaving just his black business socks on. He picked me up and took me to my leather couch, laying me down, kissing me deeply - bestowing a thousand little kisses up and down my face and neck, moving down to suck on my nipples. When I thought I couldn’t take it any longer, he started rubbing his dick all along my pussy. Up and down, dipping in just enough to tease me, pulling back out and teasing me again. He was incorrigible. 

I scowled at him, and he smirked, “I know what you want.”

“Then give it to me.”

“You asked for it, Sweetness.”

He rammed into me, and I cried out in bliss, each lunge into me, touching that magical little g spot, as the hairs above his shaft rubbed against my clit, creating an amazing dynamic of friction. 

I could feel my release coming, “Don’t stop!”

My words fortified him, and he kept going, a teensy bit faster, a little bit harder, and Goldilocks perfect. I would not be surprised if two universes collided as a result of our build up and eventual release. We laid on the couch for a good 20 minutes after, not saying anything. Max on top of me, inside of me, curled up against me as we both caught our breath. Giving each other little kisses, but content to stay in place for the time being.

Until my stomach gurgled. Max lifted his head and looked at me, squinting at me beneath furrowed brows, as I gave him my most innocent, wide-eyed expression.

“Was that your stomach, growling like a baby cougar?”

After an elongated, awkward, Tina Belcher laugh, resistance was futile and I admitted the truth with a sing-songy, “Mayyy-beee.”

“Alright, yeah. I could eat, too.” Really? He can eat? Interesting. Put a pin in that for later.

“What are you in the mood for?”

“Hmmm –” giving it a moment while I thought, “Well, obviously there aren’t a lot of places open at this hour, but there is this amazing little Brazilian bakery/market that’s open 24/7. They have the most absolutely scrumtrulescent coxinhas,” sitting up, I started to get very excited, speaking with my hands, “perfectly crispy on the outside, with delicious, tender pulled chicken, veggies, cheese on the inside, and the dough is,” I put my hand up to my mouth, giving a chef’s kiss, “They use tapioca flour in their coxinhas and cheese bread, so every time you take a bite into them, it’s stretchy and cheesy and lightly crunchy and exquisitely savory.”

Leaning back against the couch, I sighed, content by the mere thought.

Staring at me with a grin on his face, Max nodded, “How about that? Sounds like I better not get in between you and this Brazilian bakery - if I want any chance of sticking around.”

Turning red, I rolled my eyes at his ridiculous implication. He chuckled and grabbed my leg at the calf, kissing my ankle, before reaching for his phone. As he scrolled through the meal delivery app, reading off different items on the menu, asking which things sounded better and whether or not I would share with him, I wrapped myself in my grandmother’s afghan thinking, Sorry, G-Ma, I know you’re jealous, wherever you are. Rest in Petty.

I know what you’re thinking, but she was judgy, okay? Good vibes only.

“So, what would you like to do while we wait?” Max asked, booping me on the nose.

“Let’s see if there are any good movies on the ol’ streamer,” sitting up again, I reached for the remote, turning on one of those popular streaming services, probably the one that begins with an “H” and ends with an “ulu” - because the first movie advertised on the main screen with an extremely loud preview was Twilight.

Jerking my head to the left to look at Max, a grin rapidly turning into a smile rivaling The Joker, nodding furiously, he laughed at me. He laughed with me? He laughed. In what appeared to be a good natured way. So I hit play and we were immediately transported to Forks, Washington.

“Uh, uh, wha - uh,” I did my best Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan impersonation, as Max slammed his hand over his mouth and nose, his face expressing pure disgust when I looked over at him, in a perfect “Edward reacts to Bella entering Bio class” move.

“Cool, cool,” was my automatic response, “Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,” as my face contorted in overdramatic mock worry. 

Taking his hand down from his mouth, Max smiled, rubbing my leg reassuringly. I didn’t need to be reassured, but it was nice anyway - I enjoyed the pampering from this confident, borderline arrogant man, sharing my grandmother’s (now “sex”) afghan with me on my couch.

“Okay - be real. You’re a vampire, you live forever, right?” 

“Uh, yeah?” Max cautiously responded.

“Are you actually going to go back to high school and graduate 25 times?”

A deep chuckle, rumbling in his chest, “No! Absolutely not - I would never be that bored or boring to not move on to college, at least. There’s a whole world out there and so many people and vampires to meet. It’s not that small of a world that you don’t get a whole new set of people every lifetime to meet and explore.”

He was still laughing, when he looked over at me, recognizing by the far off look in my eye, that I was mulling over the fact that I was only one lifetime for him. His face dropped.

“Fuck. I’m sorry. I’m such an asshole.”

“No - no. It’s okay. It’s true, though, isn’t it?”

“It is,” he lamented, “It’s something that I really had to come to terms with after my unholy transition, and while I’m in a better place now, the idea is honestly a bit scary to me. I think it’s going to be one of the hardest things I do - to watch the people around me disappear, while I just keep going. I’ve made connections in the vampire world, so I’m not completely alone, but I’m not sure it’s going to be quite the same.”

He gave a light, hollow and sarcastic chuckle, shaking his head.

I mulled over his admission, the sadness that seemed to hang in the air despite his attempt to convince me otherwise by laughing about the permanence of his situation.

How should I approach this? How do I let him know that I’m here and he can talk to me? How do I give him the space to open up to me, without feeling obligated or feeling like he needs to protect me from difficult feelings? I can’t imagine there’s such a thing as an undead vampire therapist, to help humans becoming vampires with the emotional transition? 

“If you could go back in time, and give yourself advice before you were turned - so that you could maybe have more choice in the situation, what would you tell yourself?”

Max shrugged his shoulders, “Hmm…” gazing into the distance, he went on, “I don’t know that it matters.” He looked back at me, “In the end, I’m exactly where I want to be - now.”

My heart, glowing as it beat a little bit faster, pumped blood straight to my face, as Max and I held each other’s gaze for what felt like too short a time. Though I’m sure it was at least a few minutes - until Max’s phone rang. On the TV, tires screeched, a horn honked, and just as Bella was about to get hit by a car, Edward jumped in front of her, denting the side of an oncoming van that surely would have crushed her against her truck.

We both laughed as I paused the movie and Max answered his phone.

“Yep, we’ll buzz you in. Thanks.” 

Standing up while opening the buzzer app on his phone, he was completely naked. Save for the tie I left on him from our earlier shenanigans. I think I have a tie kink? Is that a thing? Max, abruptly aware that I was sitting on, and therefore hogging heretofore named Sex Afghan, giggled as he looked down at me, smiling doe-eyed as I gave him the up-down and the ‘how you doin’?’ Surveying the room, he paused as his gaze caught hold of something in the kitchen, drawing him there without a second to waste.

Trying not to be creepy, I decided to check my phone, instead of watching him walk away. Which technically, I did have my phone in my hand, I absolutely caught him in the corner of my eye as he sauntered towards the kitchen. Beauty, thy name is Max. However, I was truly tickled when he returned wearing my red floral robe, with the tie and the black socks. I couldn’t help but clap my hands together in joyful delight!

“Oh, you like this, huh?”

Before I could answer, there was a knock at the door and Max went to answer it, quietly talking to the person on the other side of the door, “Yeah - thanks. That’s for you, slugger - no change.”

“Thank you so much, sir! Have a good night!” came a disembodied voice from the hallway.

I jumped up and went to the kitchen, grabbing some plates, utensils, napkins - carrying them back to the living room, where Max was setting the bag of take out on the coffee table. We sat down together, looking at our spread and admiring the feast before us, each getting excited to serve each other from the next container that we’d opened, “Have you gotten any of this, yet?” -  “Make sure you try these with this sauce!”

Hitting resume on Twilight, we contentedly consumed both food and questionable media. As I watched Max happily biting into a coxinha, I was overcome with a very pressing question, “Max?”

“Hmm?”

“Twilight is telling me that vampires don’t eat people-food, but here I am, watching you eat. What the fuck is going on here? This movie is based on a book, and books don’t lie. Who even are you?”

In a fake rage, Max slapped his coxinha on his plate and pointed at the tv, “That’s fake fucking news is what that is. FAKE. NEWS.” 

Switching back to his pleasant smirk, complete with adorable dimple, “Vampires need blood. It’s like I said before about the extreme anemia and vitamin D deficiency. We don’t need food. Food is a want. Food is icing on the cake. Can you imagine how terrible eternity would be without being able to try new cuisines?”

He shook his head, clearly imagining a hellish future in which food was no longer an option as he took a big, greedy bite into the coxinha - cheese stretching from his hand to his mouth.

“That - makes me incredibly happy to know.” I beamed at him, glad for the small joys that remained in a life lived undead.

On screen, Edward and Bella were in the middle of the forest, as Bella queried her own vampire, “How long have you been 17?”

“A while.” Edward huskily breathed.

“I know what you are.” Bella said, accusingly.

“Say it.” Edward demanded. “Out loud. Say it.”

Gasping in an almost orgasmic tone, “Vampire!”

We both threw back our heads and laughed, and then I cut my laughing short, leaving Max to stop also, out of confusion. “How old are you?”

“Wait - what?”

“I need to know that I’m not dating someone who’s trying to groom me.”

“Well, in vampire years –” he started counting on his fingers, and I gave him a playful punch on the shoulder.

“Human years, Max! Human years!”

His mouth dropped open and he cried fake tears, holding his shoulder, “You’re so strong!” I squinted at him. “Okay, okay. I’m 42 in human-years. Not like a permanent 42, but I turned 42 this year. Also, I’m glad that we’re officially dating. Your words.”

He raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips, then popped a mini cheese bread in his mouth without breaking eye contact.

Relieved, I sighed, “Good. I refuse to date someone 80 plus years older than me. That’s not healthy.”

Max agreed, nodding while sipping his drink from a crazy straw he found in one of my kitchen drawers.

While we continued watching the movie, I had a few more questions for him, although I tried not to press too deeply, in case any subjects were still sensitive.

“Sparkly skin - yay or nay?”

“In the sun?” Max scoffed, “Vampires don't make a habit of going in the sun. It hurts. On account of the burning and the minor flames.”

“I was wondering about that –”

“I mean, I can go out in the sun.”

Puzzled, I stared at him, awaiting some clarification.

“Vampires aren’t the only things that exist that you wouldn’t normally expect in the natural world.”

“Do go on, I’m all ears.”

“Witches.”

He chuckled at my stunned pout, “Down in New Orleans, there’s a heavy presence of those who practice witchcraft, Wiccan, and so many other varieties of, well, magic. It’s incredible really. But the vampires and the witches down there also have an understanding - which allowed me to procure this –” he held up his left hand, pointing to a silver ring on his middle finger.

“It’s a Daylight Ring. Its enchantment allows me to go out in the daylight whenever I want, without suffering from the excruciating side effects of being ‘sun averse’ and prone to burning.”

Laughing, I couldn’t help but respond, “Of course - why shouldn’t magic exist in the world? And when you have magic, why not use it to create accessibility options for vampires? It’s pretty genius.”

Slogging through the rest of the movie, unable to get through more than a few minutes at a time without finding ourselves providing what we both deemed to be constructive criticisms, we reached a point where I found myself with even more questions for Max.

“Are werewolves really that much of an occupational hazard?”

“OH, you don’t even know.” Max started, “They stink, they pee everywhere, there’s a truce in place, but it’s extremely fragile.”

“Seriously? A truce? Who put that in place?” I laughed, incredulous at all of this new information I was learning.

“Well, there’s actually a vampiric council. You’ve got the international branch of course, and then there’s regional ones. I’m still learning about the specific regions, but the one I’m most familiar with is the one in Staten Island. They’re - not the brightest. But they are definitely a good time.”

“So, this type of weird pack, coven, roving roommate pod of vampires where they feel the need to establish boundaries and lay claim to certain areas is more bureaucratic than animalistic as portrayed in the film?”

“Uhhhh –” Max took a moment to think, “They can feel very protective of their familiars and that bond is generally respected, but boundaries? They kinda don’t give a shit, unless someone is messing with their specific living space. Kinda like humans, honestly. Familiars are pets, don’t fuck with them. And stay off their lawn.”

“That sounds - surprisingly reasonable?” I waved my hand at the tv, “As opposed to whatever is going on here. Dramaaaa!”

Biting his lip, snickering, Max took my plate and set it on the coffee table, pulling me close to him as he set a throw pillow in his lap. Urging me to lay my head down, he gently started brushing his fingers along the hairline of my forehead, behind my ear, and down my neck. Repeating the motion, he continued to stroke my hair, occasionally using the tips of his fingers to massage along the back of my neck, as we finished the movie. Or, at least I think we finished the movie. 

It felt like I just closed my eyes for a second, but when I opened them again, the tv volume was way down. On screen Bella, Jacob, and Edward were in some sort of heated threesome argument, with Edward begging Bella to come with him, Jacob making empty threats, and Bella asking Edward to read Jacob’s mind, because that’s obviously not a violation of anyone’s privacy.

Stretching, yawning, I asked, “Is this New Moon? Did you turn on the second movie?”

“Ehhhh —” Max hemmed, not entirely eager to answer, “Yeah. It is. It’s not - great. But it is a challenge to look away. It’s like when all the cars stop on the road when there’s some unfortunate incident, and everybody can’t help but slow down and look. I want to look away, but I’m powerless for some reason. Also, you were like a kitten in my lap, I couldn’t move while you slept - you seemed like you really needed it. I was kinda hostage to these movies.”

I guffawed, “Ha! Sure, absolutely. Nothing else to stream, huh?”

He gave me a playful warning ‘tsk, tsk, tsk’ between his teeth, shaking his head and narrowing his eyes down at me. 

Taking the hint, I casually changed the subject.

“This mind reading business - is that a thing? Can you do that? I mean, sometimes you’re –”

Max laughed, interrupting me.

“No, no, no. That’s not a thing. Not for vampires at least, as far as I know. Our senses are heightened - taste, touch, smell, sound, sight…”

“And the sixth sense? Dead people?”

“Yes, but not in the way you’re hoping.” He said with a huge grin. “Unless, you want to find out?” 

The way he phrased it was extremely flirtatious, but my inner instinct felt like the subject matter was - not? He can make anything sexy. Is that another vampire thing or just a Max thing? I wondered to myself, unsure whether or not to dissect the sexual innuendo of that last statement outloud.

A smile curled upwards on Max’s lips, “Your heart rate just rose.”

Putting my hand over my heart, as though I could hide it, he cackled, “It never gets old. Watching your changing expressions and how you react to me.”

Frowning up at him, he leaned down and kissed me, as one hand snaked its way into mine, stretching in between my fingers, flexing in and out. We continued our slow kiss, until the opening chords of House of the Rising Sun broke our focus and our calm.

Leaning back up, Max stretched, reaching for his phone and shutting off the music.

“Alarm.” He sighed, looking back down at me, “Time for this vampire to turn back into a salesman.”

As I sat up, I turned so that I could face him - lifting my hand up to stroke his cheek, and he nestled into my hand, kissing my palm.

“Thank you for tonight, Max. Thank you for the beautiful new lingerie, dinner, the –” I spelled it out and exaggeratedly whispered, as though we’d done something unforgivable, “S-E-X.”

“Anytime and every time, Sweetness.” Giving me a wink and a kiss on the forehead before he stood up, “I’m wearing this back to my apartment,” indicating my red floral robe.

I frowned at him, unsure how I felt about him stealing one of my favorite clothing items, but then he took his right hand and lifted the right side lapel to his nose, sniffing deeply.

“It smells like you.”

Geezus, fuck. That was hot.

“Oh, oh. Okay, sure.” I nodded, suddenly very fine with it.

He gathered his clothing from the pile we’d left in the kitchen, and taking his white button up, he placed it around my shoulders, as I put my arms inside the sleeves.

“I want to see you in this later. Just this.”

Mimicking what he’d done with my robe, as we walked to the door, I gave him a curt response, “I suppose that can be arranged.” 

He stared at me, mouth open slightly, for about 30 seconds before saying, “No. No - I’ve gotta go.” And pulled me in close for a quick kiss on the lips, before heading down the hallway. Turning around to throw me a cheeky smirk, he looked sufficiently ridiculous and somehow very, very spicy in the robe, socks, and tie.

Closing the door behind him, I proceed to walk over to the couch, where I picked up my sequined Nic Cage pillow, smoothing down all the sequins, before calmly jamming it against my face and giving a pleased groan, “Oh My Goooooood!”

Why did he make me feel like such a teenager? 

My dopamine levels soaring, I knew I needed to pull myself down from these heights so that I could get some sleep. Lighting a lavender & sage candle, I started the shower, and put on a random selection of albums by neo-psychedelic surf-pop band, La Luz.

“They love you today, soon they’ve gone away. You will know me by the way, I won’t ever hesitate.” 

Crooning along to the trippy tunes, I thought about Max’s life as a vampire, “If the golden glow simmers into black and leaves you reeling. I won’t take it back. When I say I’m yours, you know I mean it.”

I stepped out of the shower, and remembering the melancholic undercurrents that he so coolly skated over in our earlier conversation about his vampiric lifestyle, I considered what I’d want my options to be. To at least have a companion, someone dear with me to spend the rest of time, to explore the world, to always consider that person my special place to hang my heart and call home. Forever is a long time to be a strong, independent person, who doesn’t need anyone else. 

All this time that we were spending together, made me wonder if Max was flirting with the idea of turning me? Not once had he brought it up, so this would certainly be presumptuous on my part to expect him to make such an offer. From what I’ve seen of him, he doubtless goes after what he wants. Albeit, he has been very considerate of my feelings, my boundaries, my wants and needs. But I’m putting the cart before the horse - would I even say yes to that proposition?

Dressing in my silk night set, I grabbed my journal. Let’s write this out - maybe a stream of consciousness poem will help me to work out how I feel. Putting pen to paper, I thought about the way his jaw clenched a bit, right before his mouth turned up into a smile on one side, his dimple becoming prominent. The way it warmed me up from the inside out when he teased me, making my stomach drop like I’d just gone down the biggest hill on a rollercoaster, my fingers tingling, and my face a bit dizzy with the rush of blood to my cheeks.

In the warmth of your smile, I melt like wax rolling down the edge of a candle. Flame licked and flickering under your glow. If I’m not careful you might soften what the world made hard in me. If I’m not careful the fire in you might jump my wick. But maybe, that’s how we were meant to meet - your flame igniting what was intended to be consumed, illuminating my darkness - bringing light to my nights.

Hmmm. I scrunched up my nose as I read over the words. Not entirely sure that made anything clearer - I closed my journal, and opted to sleep on it.

To be continued...

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