#leaving my body would be nice | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theonewhereistudy · 1 year

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I've been lost for a long time because I enrolled for university, and life now feels as if it's on hold since I don't know how my days will be when I start it. Sometimes I'll think too much about other people and how they are managing their lives and how I'm so late in comparison to them; I used to be better in letting these thoughts go away, I guess I'm just very anxious and not managing it properly; I also think a lot about the future and how we are all walking to the non existence and I think that for now there's no mindset that can soothe my soul. 2023 is full of new scenarios in my life, I've always been afraid of change, even tho I've gone through so many changes in life, but I never paid much attention to these transitions, because they weren't violent ones. Life is unpredictable; Change is in every corner waiting, and she never has the same face or touch, maybe I should start to look at her as a friend that is always somewhere else living adventures, and once in a while will show up and bring new winds, good or bad, I never know; but as a friend, I should go through these situations and help her, until she's ready to leave to her adventures again, and I'll wait.

#college #student #study aesthetic #notes #productivity #study inspiration #study space #university #study motivation #venting #i should write this kind of stuff in my journal #but sometimes its easier to write on a haunted tumblr post #made myself some good breakfast because ill forget to eat during thebday #dont know what to do with myself #leaving my body would be nice #studying #studyblr #studyspo

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ratskool · 6 months

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I’m like Johnny Truant in the tags of every goddamn post I make or reblog on this site and I’m not apologizing. If you want me to apologize come over to my house and you can talk to the minotaur about it

#House of leaves #im literally going insane these days I should go back to journaling but I’m also afraid of how far off the deep end I’ll go #Literally I am losing it and I’m being serious #I’m so fucking tired of being lonely and being left out and not being able to make connections #Sometimes I feel as if im doing things without realizing and no one is telling me about it #Other times it feels like I must have something incredibly wrong with my face or body and no one will say anything #People make plans and don’t bother to ask me if I want to join and then when I find out there’s a group chat that all my friends are in #Except me and when I asked if I could join I was given a bunch of reasons that were frankly bullshit why I couldn’t join #Are they talking shit about me? I know everybody there it’s not like I am a stranger #Am I just a stranger in this world as I unllikeable? I try my best to be nice and charitable but what am I missing?#Do I black out and say things and do things? Am I more mentally ill than I know?#The only reason (or one of the very few) why I stay alive is because of my horses because I know they would miss me and I already feel bad #Not seeing them everyday #I’m tired of being the odd one out I’m tired of being entertaining when necessary #I don’t want my only friends to be horses because it further alienates me from the rest of society and I just want to be accepted I’m not #Looking to fit in I just want connection and friendship and I can barely seem to manage that #Maybe I’m just not worth it.

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kagrenacs · 6 months

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Oh I just had the best tattoo idea, if it wasn't a fibro trigger point for me, I'd get Keening on my sternum.

#I am normally against fandom tattoos on my body #But Morrowind left and continues to leave an impact on me and has led to some really great friendships #It would be nice to memorialize that

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yaoianime · 2 months

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Soon im rly gonna do it

#🕸️#sui mention #< in the tags tho cuz it feels nicer to talk abt this in tags than in the post itself cuz to me posts are like talking normally but tags are #like whispering? talking you can tune out if you want but whispering is rather more voluntary to say it doesnt matter however #every single year passes and i wish i didnt live in each and every one of them i feel disconnected dissatisfied empty disappointed every day #it can be a small part of a day or a bigger but its still there clenching onto me like and never letting go im tired of it theres always a #wall between me and otyer ppl im unsure if i put it there or was it put there by other ppl but its there and even if anyone tries to reach #into it do i understand how even if close are we really far away it makes me understand just how much of an abnormality i am and how much i #cant ever be like them no matter how much i try and climb and crawl until i bleed its exhausting its maddening #almost everything i do is shaped by spite i wear one bracelet for years out of spite i dont smoke out of spite i dont shave my hands not #only because im normal abt body hair but also out of spite the more i know ppl the spiteful i get only way for me to truly like someone is #to keep them at a lenght outside that wall if they get in then theres only two choices for them to dislike me or even hate my entire being #or me to shove them back out without ever letting them get in #coworkers say im a nice kind person but im not its all just a facade to make my life easier and to suit myself im hateful but i dont believe #its entirely my fault after all they will to my face make fun of. laugh at. and hate everything of me they would see in other ppl that dont #hide it deep within like i do and then it rly hits me how different abnormal foul disgusting and unnatural i am #im hit with his every talk that goes on too long every word that keeps going every touch every expression every comment made on my behalf #its exhausting to live this way i fear im near my limit i havent reached it but who knows when i will #i sometimes dream of doing it and leaving behind a note wishing nothing but painful suffering to everyone i ever knew irl but i dont want to #do that to my best friends and my dog but who knows how long its left before the thread breaks #thats all like comment and subscribe if you personally would do me a favor by taking me out back and shooting me

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shedburst · 5 hours

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i will not see thirty. i was going to wait until 27 to give myself time to experience more life but now like why wait lol like just do it ???

#i’m not going to leave any closure for anyone #i’m too heartbroken and i don’t have any relationships #period #offline i mean #i don’t have anyone in my life so obviously like i’m the problem #i wish i had nicotine i wish i could smoke so bad rn #anyway #i need to shower and head somewhere else #i deserve this kind of end #it’s kind of like romantic #maybe if i wasn’t going to destroy my body i would donate it science #i have to shower now and pack my car #it was nice briefly like hanging out with everyone i met in life even if it didn’t work out #i’m just going to have to find a way to come to peace with dying alone but idk who cares #dying alone is like a curse to people but we are born alone right or whatever #it’s the same thing #except we aren’t usually born alone are we #there’s someone to care for us when we’re helples #helpless #i hope i reincarnate as like a rich lowkey person’s favorite chimd #child #but i will probably come back as like a stink bug #i hope there’s no such thing and my consciousness gets the rest it deserves #i’m going to find a way to love everyone who ever hurt me before tonight #drugs so my impulse control is lowered and like #yeah #it won’t matter #it doesn’t matter at all in the face of how many people die everyday #really it’s not a big deal #and i’m excited to be at rest

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artisanalpeanutbutter · 8 months

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didn't realize how much fat i lost on my hips/waist since starting to work out until I put on a pair of looser pants today that i hadn't worn in a while and they almost fell off

#literally without the belt they fall off #they used to just sit low without the belt #i knew i had recomped bc i got weighed at the drs abt a month ago & i was the same as I have been w/ a visible change in muscle mass #but did NOT realize how much straighter my waist/hips have gotten even since then bc dysmorphia/dysphoria #e/d tumblr do NOT interact this is NOT for you #who knew that doing weighted exercises with your obliques would make you waistline less thin. oh wait. me. that's why i'm doing it lmfao #also it's good for my chronic hip/back issues #and it's nice to see the fat leave the spot i specifically don't want it. i'm OK with fat on my body i just don't like it there specificall #tw weightloss #not technically weight loss just abt weight redistribution #I want to eventually GAIN weight from muscle but don't want to be a gym rat so yk #and it's hard enough to eat normally as it is so yk. maybe some other time in my life #or maybe just v slowly over time #also i don't weigh myself so for all i know i have but most likely not #at least i don't think so?#anyway #i'm serious abt the e/d thing though stay away from my blog if you're posting abt that

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me-a-mess-morelikelythanyouthink · 3 months

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sometimes I’m scared that other people only think my outfits eat when they emphasize my waistline and make me look skinny and not when it’s an outfit that I put a lot of care into because it’s another form of expression for me

#silv's back on her bs #like I know I probably sound like ‘boohoo it must be so hard for other people to think you’re skinny’ but I just mean that like.#I’m really proud of the outfits I put together #I like my style and I like how I’ve spent the last couple years exploring with it and letting it be another extension of myself #and I’ve created a (very small) rep around having cool outfits #but the other day someone complimented my outfit and don’t get me wrong I felt nice that day #but it was literally just low rise sweatpants and a cropped tee (ie heavens forbid I had skin showing and my stomach was out)#like was it cute? sure but it definitely wasn’t an Outfit #and I got a lot more compliments because on it then I do on a normal basis #and idk. I wasn’t the biggest fan of that #and I’m scared that I’m also starting to use it as a crutch when I’m putting clothes on before I leave #like the other day I was putting an outfit together and instead of reaching for something that I think is really cool and being creative #I was genuinely met with a wave of like ‘okay but how attractive am I gonna be if I wear this’ or ‘would other ppl think I look good’#which is FUCKED #because I LOVE clothes!!!! I LOVE dressing up!!!! and I KNOW that I don’t need to look good for others that beauty and style doesn’t #have to be conventional that there’s so many cool things that lie outside that framework. And I used to be outside of that framework too #but UGH I hate that everyone else’s opinions on MY body are starting to get to me #anyways i feel like this should have a cw but idk what to add #ask to tag #ig(?)

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ooklet · 5 months

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a cotton yarn that doesn't feel like absolute dog shit to work with is the cryptid of fiber crafts. i want to believe, but the reality of my dry, raw fingers just won't let me.

#fiber art #crochet #i'm a gauche bitch and i love acrylic #caron simply soft is DIVINE #and yet no matter where i look and no matter how many ''this cotton is actually soft and nice i swear'' reviews i see #i have yet to find a single cotton yarn that doesn't sap all the moisture from my body and leave me with welts on my fingers for DAYS #but! i also refuse to use acrylic for cat toys/beds so. SUFFERING WITH COTTON.#i would use animal fibers but they're too expensive for my broke ass #maybe one day i will find some secondhand wool and crochet a super warm cozy bed for the boys

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stargazingpsychotic · 6 months

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I wish it would work faster. I want to be gone. I want to succeed but I keep losing myself and wake up somewhere else. I need to make it through this. I cannot do one of the things because it'll undo another which is currently going well. I can only wait for this or another thing which is also unreliable, but achievable. I just need to make it a few more days as it is and maybe it'll work. I'm too weak for the other ways apparently.

#tactile hallucinations are particularly bad #like im being grabbed everywhere and its more than just uncomfortablr it feels like im under attack constantly #not just grabbing my neck either. and occasioannly there's bugs under the skin and somethinf messing with the brain #i know the angels are around me and i know how to keep them away. this is also a method i can use to leave so thats nice if it would work #tw suicide #but to be clear im not going to die im just leaving this body to go home #i just really need to make it work this time. 2 outcomes are possible with a 3rd possible only from another source which is working against #best is i keave and go home #thats the olan thats what i need and deserve after all this time #one is i truely die but thatll be from my parents who are trying to kill me but only one way so i just have to oay attention there #and the other is they trap me more than i am #if that happens ill just have yo keep doing it until i escape for good #i canot let myself be stopped if this world also benefits from me leaving and is b3ing destroyed by my being here

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hexgh0ul · 8 months

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Once again thinking about how I am always cleaning up after and taking care of everyone and just once would like to either be cared for or at least just left the fuck alone

#🦇#like I am so tired #I’m too tired to take care of myself #and my body is fucking furious about it #my knee is still on fire and it’s making sleeping hard which is killing my head #and it’s just. it’s a mess #and then I’m the only one capable of anything at work #and all of my friends need someone to take care of them #which I usually do like taking care of people I like feeling needed #but it would be nice if just once someone like at least pretended to care about me and my well-being #instead of just demanding I care for them #like. I love you but I simply cannot I don’t have the fucking energy #and then I feel guilty which makes me feel worse emotionally which makes it harder for me to take care of myself #which then makes it harder for me to take care of my friends #like. at the very least please leave me alone

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bloodhailmp3 · 10 months

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need to have an out of body /near death experience asap

#mp #being surrounded by ppl who dont rlly have/want attachment to their physical bodies is making me feel less scared about disconnecting from #mine i think #and considering existing as a physical person is really overwhelming n unpleasant atm...... it would bw nice to leave my body for a while #green_velvet_leave_my_body.mp3

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floral-hex · 10 months

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Spending the night at the hospital. Seeing someone you love really going through hell is a rough thing to watch. Still, I’m being hopeful. Things are looking up. Now I’m sitting in this empty cafeteria, eating a terrible microwavable calzone for dinner. Could be worse, I suppose.

#it’s cool it’s all cool it’s fine cool cool cool #i don’t want to go into details but my mom’s body is just all kinds of fucked up #but she should be better in a day or two #I’m hanging out down here alone while they run some tests up in her room #when I say this cafeteria is empty I mean I am the only one in here #nice and quiet #it’s been a long day #I just want to lay down in a bed….#I was going to say ‘lay down on somebody’ but I suppose to would be crass to turn this into a yearning post #but whatever I think it’s only natural to want some comfort from another human in this situation #so… let’s just say I want to nap on someone and leave it at that #dang… that calzone was gross #to paraphrase Ben Wyatt: ‘the calzone… betrayed me?’#just kinda chillin… though I think I hear the janitor so gotta go #ok I love you #you can ignore this #text

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1eos · 2 years

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Crying and screaming fellas is it racist to ask people to have basic hygiene???? Also "they sound like they never been to a comic con in america lol" of course they haven't lmao they are south Korean idols what, also people smelling bad at cons and stuff SHOULDN'T be the expected tbh if you know you are gonna be around that much people, crammed into a space you should at least do the basics and shower, more "please shower" less "lol cons are always full of stinky ppl" we need to hold ppl account

it's racist to breathe atp. and right? like just bc something is normalized that doesn't mean it's okay 😭😭😭😭😭 and there are some places that just Are gonna smell if fromis 9 volunteered at a hospital and complained that ppl smelled weird id be like girl.... but you're packed in at meet and greet for HOURS with no reprieve from the stench.... hold on WAIT DIDN'T COMIC CON *ALSO* ASK ATTENDEES TO BATHE? BRB

HELLO!

🤨 so if it's a universal plea is it really entitlement?

#i got distracted but it's like yeah some ppl can't help smelling bc of medical issues or just mishaps #like ive been musty in publique before but when all of y'all making a funk cloud it's different teehee #i would never leave the gym musty and go to the nail salon and force someone to touch and smell my sweaty body 😭#just basic courtesy if you can would be nice 💖

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impossible-rat-babies · 1 year

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really feeling a way about eyrie being a healer tonight

#Astro my beloved ;—;#it really is just becoming my favorite healer of the bunch #it’s comfy it’s got good recovery it’s all Very Nice #astro also fits the best in eyrie’s lore—their experiences with healing magic are a mix of geomancy + astrology + whm after a fashion #i say whm but not truly whm the white magic eyrie knows is very distant and removed from that of gridania #but eyrie takes a lot of that healing knowledge and smooshes it into astro #while leveva looks on in fascination and an odd bit of horror #the stormblood quests are very much in line with eyrie’s brain #they’re like ah yes put these practices together yes thank you I already do that in some form #it’s also with geomancy and astrology that they are practices both created by viera peoples but also techniques borrowed #borrowed from times when there was not as strict boundaries of leaving #eyrie borrows the cards into the reading and the sextant and card holder used by astros to channel the healing magic #it’s a common practice back home that tools are not used and the body is the conduit for healing #it puts less strain to use the sextant and cards #i should read more on geomancy tbh #but I was watching cutscenes w eyrie as astro and it was A vibe that I was feeling #tbh eyrie in a trust would be an all arounder as an astro + bard + drk combo #I also have feelings about eyrie coming to terms with drk stuff though warrior and subsequently going back to drk #eyrie knows what myste is and it terrifies them to think of what is inside of them #so they stuff the broken soul deep in their things and leave it there #what created myste isn’t going away. it lurks—the feeling of it in their gut and unsettling #so warrior it is #oc: eyrie kisne #i am so sorry to whomever reads this rant

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medicinemane · 1 year

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I was thinking of a character of mine, who is a very powerful shapeshifter, who has a particular affinity for doing stuff with their blood

Anytime someone stabs them they basically unleash hellish blood tendrils and spikes and whatever

The funny part of course being that they literally could do that at any time, it's not like they have to wait to be stabbed, it's just more dramatic and fun to have a "you done fucked up" clause when you get stabbed

#they're actually more or less unkillable because they took the time to study with disembodied demons in the abyss #so they aren't really tethered to their body anymore; and the shapeshifting lets them heal up faster #so like absolute worse case scenario they could slink off to some fast time shadow for a few centuries to regrow their body #they'd really more have to be contained somehow #they're actually what you might call the big bad of the campaign I'd like to run some day #...except for the fact that their plan is actually legit a good plan; that it doesn't involve killing a bunch of people or anything #it's basically to be like 'that's check and mate; with this new power I crown myself ruler of everything'#'and as my first order I say stop being bitches and play nice; and as my second order I say I'm peacing out leave me alone'#and legit part of why I want to play the campaign is to see what the players will do #they could totally join him; they could try to stop him #there's two other major factions that would be courting them as champions #hopefully no one who reads this remembers if for whatever reason you end up playing in this campaign #but the ending is more or less determined; he succeeds in his plan #but it's the lead up to that; and what they do after he fucks off that I'm interested in #you might think a campaign where the ending is known is pointless; but to me... well one they won't know that #and two kind of the point of the campaign is that everything they do matters in many ways more than the end #like this character's mo is collecting people who are nominally insignificant because he thinks they're useful #like in many ways his own core philosophy is that everything they do before he succeeds matters; that they have an impact #even if maybe not on this one event happening; they impact everything else they do #and even with that; does he succeed peacefully; or with a bloody siege to take the keep he needs to execute his plan?#anyway... he's the guy who Sabe decided to play second fiddle to #where Sabe was like you know forget all my egomaniacal plans I'd had when I was a big fish in a small pond #now that I see the actual nature of reality I realize that strong as I am; I'm not worth any more than the most useless nobody #we're both just as valuable and I'd rather go around fixing infinite small problems in infinite realities than rule #so I'll throw in as the fixer for this guy since he's saying the same stuff that I'm realizing #of course... there's kind of a canon to how this all went down; this campaign would kind of be an AU in a lot of ways #but... yeah... just thoughts since this is one of my core characters #though true to his role in the campaign where he fucks off; while Sabe is always doing stuff this to this day #this character is like 'I hang out in my library'; like he has a goal in life and then fucks off #like in the campaign he's gonna supreme fuck off in a way I think is pretty cool; fuck off to a new meta layer basically

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the-busy-ghost · 1 year

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The pandemic isn’t over but even if it were, I am not enjoying being reminded of how close people used to get before the 2020s

#I don't know you why are you less than a foot away and facing me #That's uncomfortably close #You are someone I know onnly very slightly and we're having a casual conversation you do not need to be that close #If I'm standing that close to someone I barely know I at least have the decency not to stand side on so I don't look them in the face #Mind you even during the pandemic some people were way too handsy for me- maybe they just have a different personality that's fine #But when you're supposed to be two metres apart I don't like having to jump back every time some middle-aged person grabs my arm #And it's worse now #Not to mention people I like and am good friends with starting to hug and stuff when they greet people again #It was ok for a few weeks just after my mum passed that felt necessary and like they needed it to #*too #But can we please go back to just greeting each other without pressing our bodies against each other #Or at least let me just shake hands like you do with a man #I mean people are very friendly they should behave how they like but my god I forgot how much I enjoyed social distancing #Personally it just suited me down to the ground #I mean working from home has it's problems and I'm not sure I want the two metre rule but at least a couple of feet woul dbe nice #It doesn't mean I like you any less because I don't want to hug you right now #It feels just a bit OTT for an everyday greeting and personally I prefer something a lot less tactile #I mean you don't have to stand two metres away and never leave the house; just a bit more space and less touchy would be nice #Or worse the fake cheek kiss #Don't make me put my mouth that close that's very vulnerable for someone with such bad teeth as I have #I mean obviously there's a cultural dimension- in France for example it's different- but I'm talking white Scottish people #Greet others how you like but please take care when approaching me and be aware I may retract into my shell like a Victorian Turtle #It was nice not to have to explain that and look like I'm being precious or making a fuss during the pandemic #Now I have to either cave or go back to looking like a stuck-up prick who wants everyone to treat them with kid gloves #Also thank god it's changed a bit in the last ten years but honestly when I was younger the way you were greeted #was the quickest way someone reminded you of your gender; if they offered to shake hands at a respectful distance #you were a man but if you were expected to hug and be kissed on the cheek you were a woman #I'm not non-binary but honestly not a fan of 'Assigned Gender by Hug/Handshake' ; it's changed now thankfully but unfortunately all hugs #Which is nice for men who didn't used to get that kind of casual physical affection from their friends and I'm all for it #But personally I had the opposite issue and wish people would just be a bit more flexible when it comes to personal space

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