#legit cant remember but i choose to believe

[gaydelgard]

does valente actually have pointy teeth or did my brain just edit that in cause its hot

[honeycoveredpaper]

2 7 9 32 36 for the dr asks

2) Least Favorite Game?

okkk i wont take the easy way out and pick a spin offff. its probably THH. dont get me wrong I LOVE THH i mean obv. i wouldnt be this obsessed with danganronpa if i didnt like it. i legit played it in one week while muting all my online highschool classes (it was 2020).

but i just didnt connect to the cast on an individual level like i did with the others. like i love the cast as a whole and do have some characters i really like, but for the most part i like the characters less than the other games. thats really the only reason i put it at the bottom of the 3.

7) Favorite Class Trial From All The Games?

well i like the 2nd games trials the most and this is probably gonna be weird butttttt probably chapter 4's trial. the funhouse one. when i played it i actually paused playing danganronpa for like a month or something in the middle of the trial and then came back to it. i dont remember why, maybe i was frustrated but i dont think that was the case? anyway that trial is just so self contained and silly because of the setting that it just really sticks out to me.

9) Favorite Execution?

ok this is a hard one. i love kaitos cause of how meaningful it is and the fact that it references literally the opening of the first game. i also like makotos cause of how crazy it is in the first game to be like "wait am i gonna die??" i think people forget about how cool that moment is because of kaedes death. but if we are talking about like the mechanics of the execution i really like pekos cause of how it represents her seeing herself as being a tool cause shes being controlled in her execution.

32) Favorite Culprit?

i meannnnn kaito? lol cause like THAT CHAPTER AND INVESTIGATION IS JUST SO GOOD YOU GUYS!! but lets say that doesnt count cause of the nuance in it. probably celeste tbh. her plan was really complex but like realistically complex? i like that about the first game, the murder plans were some what more realistic. and hers was so active and just fun to be involved in as weird as that sounds. like i kinda knew something was up cause she was so active in it but i still liked how she did it.

36) Favorite Antag Character?

god this is so hard... i go back and forth between nagito and kokichi so much. i think nagito is more of a looming threat and just works better in the overall game as an antag. cause kokichi isnt really a real issue until he makes gonta kill miu. like he causes issues before but they aren't that serious. which tbh is just the difference between their characters. cause i believe kokichis words that he didnt actually like the killing game and was just playing along to try and stop it. which makes sense why he would be more observant at first rather than active. nagito is just all about getting the ultimates to prove themself, the killing game is more just a tool for him rather than something he is focused on. so it makes sense why hes active from the beginning. soooo idk i cant choose lol they are both so good. i love byakuya too but out of the 3 hes at the bottom.

[worstloki]

Loki: I was gone for 2 YEARS, why didn't you look for me???

Odin All-Father, supposedly omniscient: oh my god it's not like i'm omniscient or something how would I have known

[vrnicky]

Lets go with some...

Deal breakers and things they admire from someone!!

In a romantic way and also in general! Man, this is going to be long- REALLY LONG-

Gotta thanks @ratsoh-writes lol

Sans:

-His deal breaker is either hating his brother or just being an *ss. Dont get him wrong, he gets when someone is teasing or joking around but when he knows someone is a truly *ss, you've been ghosted. Romantically is literally the same without counting how much he loves his job, if the probably future s/o doesn't want him that busy as he gets then maybe dont be with him??? He can't let aside his job that he truly enjoy for someone that isn't even his s/o-

-Something he admire either platonically or romantically is if they're also invested in their work/studies. That they dont mind having to stay late doing something they enjoy and not being forced to do. If i say knowing to say puns is already too used but anyone can make jokes or be the joke; how the ones with the bubbly attitude just keep being themselves is also something he admires.

Papyrus:

-One of his deal breakers are totally seeing the bad side of everyone like, all of the people and world in general. He doesn't like hearing talking sh*t about someone who they dont know??? Just with the excuse of "just look how they dress!" If you do this, he may just snap at you and just to break any connections; he still believes in everyone until they show him otherwise. That goes for also romantically! Too much jealous and trying to manipulate him is also one.

-Since he already sees the good in everyone what isn't something he admire from someone??? Platonically how they stood up for what they want and dont listen to some "extras" who are just jealous; romantically is another different thing, no matter your appearence because none of them would care but how compasive and kind they are is something he admire from his crushes.

Blue:

-His deal breaker either platonically or romantically for him, is one. Being treated as a child, he HATES it with all of his soul being treated like glass just because he is "small" and cute?? Well, cute he knows it; i think all my sanses would not tolerate someone who hate their brother or talk bad about them. Its a rule.

-If he ever meet someone like him, small, cute at everyone's eyes but they used to win stuff (without going that high) thats something he admires because not all the time he gets what he wants when he ask for it because he is "small" but instead, they can do it without a problem? How cool! Romantically may be acting like you want to act without waiting for everyone to like you, you're the one making decisions, not them!!

Miere:

-He is the most chill with deal breakers and that because.. he doesn't care that much but people making him choose between them or another cigarette/videogames/etc actually makes him mad and mostly uncomfortable, okay, you want me to probably choose you? Then gain it, its stupid how you try to compare yourself to something that isn't alive, for god's sake...

-People who actually give sh*t to people who expect a lot from them, he feels.. protective mostly from those ones since you do you man! He's here to support you in that big step you actually want to do for yourself, not your family, friends, neighbors. He likes their bravery.

Red:

-His more deal breakers were slowly fading away as he got "comfortable" in the surface but he still has one, someone who is really interested in scaring him by getting behind him; yes, it may be stupid but he HATES it because that return him into the underground when he could have been dusted in a blink of an eye, NEVER ever do that to Red.

-If someone can flirty and not get flustered thats a "marry me please" from Red, mostly joking.. unless. But also the fact of compliments that aren't in a flirt fight, genuine compliments also get him and he really admire them, like a lot actually. Use it either just to fluster him and get him grumpy or just do it if you want him to crush on you and deny it.

Cap:

-Lazy people, hands down or well, dirty people. He just can't help it, he hates watching a place so trash down but dont get him wrong; if you work 24/7, he will let it pass and if you're already friends he may help you and even help you organize everything. But if you dont work or study and have everything as a chaos... he may never go to your house again, total mother attitude.

-Now, what you really expect from him, everything in order and everything clean, If you can keep that even with your job or study, he may start being interested in you, legit. Or also if you take your job really seriously, If you want something and you go for it without having to hurt anyone in the process may also crush him hard, he doesn't like the ones who likes to feel superior of other people. If you want to be a good leader, you have to treat your team in a good way if you're expecting them to do a great job.

Black:

-Say something sh*tty about his brother and he is so done with you right now, like, another type of done with you. His brother is his everything and you better not try to ask him to choose between him or you because, sorry not sorry but he's choosing Slim, you had that win from before. Also blaming them about everything they went through. No, get the f*ck away.

-The protective instict towards family is something he will always respect, no questions asked; If you either have older or younger brother doesn't matter, for him it matter how much you protect them for love, of course, dont make them useless, just, let them know how much you care for them and Black would soften a little.

Slim:

-If you call him a baby because of wanting to be with his brother or trying to protect him, you wouldn't get it so dont talk about something you wont understand. Also the fact of making fun of his insecurities affect him HARD. Mostly because of his jealousy, he cant help it because a lot of people are better than him but here you are, making fun of him. People are better than you, after all.

-If you're also touch starved, dont get him wrong, he doesn't want anyone to be touch starved but he may enjoy more if you are since he's clingy even with friends, you're just so soft and squishy! If you're his s/o in the other hand.. he's more flirty clingy or child clingy by your side, you decide lol.

Hans:

-He's really weird because platonically, he hates that his friends or people trust so easily and romantically is the opposite! He hates when his crush/s/o doesn't trust them. That has an explanation, he doesn't trust that easily even with his joker attitude and when he probably accept his feelings towards a person, he started trusting more and more but now they dont trust him??? Like??? That's a really deal breaker for him.

-Now, he admires those people who had been hurt before but still can see the bright side of everything, yet, he doesn't understand them enough. That works for just a friend or crush/s/o. He will admire them not letting a Karen ruin their day too lol.

Edan:

-Saying his brother didn't suffer enough, making him less at what he felt as a toddler in a fell world... yeah basically you gain hate instead of love from Edan. He HATES hearing sh*t of his bro but the sh*t that involves his past or scars. That's his true deal breaker. No matter if its for s/o or just friend, dont say sh*t of his brother.

-Now, one word, fashion. Yes, he may not like dressing up that much as the old lady squad or that but he legit admires people who make perfect outfits that help their tone of skin, hair color, eyes, body, etc look good!

Allen:

-If you remember him how he killed those children because HE PROMISED to give his world freedom.. get the f*ck out of his sight; the sad thing of that is, he wont get mad, he will get sad and his hate towards himself would be stronger, please, dont do it.

-Someone who is really the word generous, no matter if you may ended up without nothing but you help someone in need and not expecting something back. He may crush on you thanks to that, he can't help it.

Bliss:

-If you call him out by the fact he left his brother alone, he has his reasons and both of them already talk about that. Dont bring that conversation ever again in his face, he gets MAD at that. Also hurting or insulting children AND talking sh*t of his brother, he doesn't want anyone talking bullsh*t at the back of his older brother.

-If you're a EXPERT with kids, he may put you in a fricking shrine; dude, he has the attitude of Toriel, of course he will want someone that likes kids and know how to deal with them. Either for just a friend or s/o, he may crush on you tho lol.

Zen:

-Treat him like he is scary and he is some type of weird creature... He may ghost you if you do, yes, he may be more taller and bigger than Sans but he is more soft than him. Of course, he may want you to treat him with patience mostly, his memory isn't the best so he may ask you twice about everything. If you're not patience then you shouldn't have talked to him in first place.

-Again, Patience is the key of Zen and if you either have literally the soul trait of patience or is in your personality; he really admire how patience you can be with either elder people or small kids, he may slowly crush but he may not know.

Max:

-A little the same as Zen, treat him like a weird creature and he may be upset at it and a upset Max is no joke; also treating his brother like a child or abusing his bad memory to get away with something... now that something that would make him MAD, since the famine has passed, he may got the older brother role and someone treating bad his brother make his non-existing blood boil.

-While Zen wants someone with a patience attitude, he wants a kindness attitude, he just wants someone that would be nice to everything and everyone, not giving a single f*ck if is a human, monster, elder, kid, etc. He just want them to be friendly and kind, more because of his scary look with his softie attitude, two totally different things in only one monster; that's him.

[ignorancelive]

FINALLY DOING ALL MY TAG GAMES AAAA  IM SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO DO THESE

@whitedeadflower​ |  pick my favourite albums for bill clinton to enjoy

not necessarily my favorites but i always pick the same 5 albums for these so i just put 4 albums i like a lot and have been listening to more recently <3

@opossuwu​ | 15 questions

1. What is the first song you remember hearing?

english songs: either learn to fly by foo fighters or human by the killers, i really cannot remember which one but it was around the same time im pretty sure

spanish songs: ALL the songs on/by rebelde, my sister was super into it when i was a baby so i heard so many of their songs right as i was learning to become a human

2. What is the first band you got into?

mmmmmmm probably one direction? if we’re not counting rebelde lol

3. Do you collect music on any physical format?

i collect almost all cds i know and like on CD and have recently started buying vinyl but i think im only going to get albums i really like on it since its more expensive

4. What is your favourite piece of music-related memorabilia/merchandise?

SO many things. i really like my nirvana and red hot chili peppers shirts because they make me feel cute! im also IN LOVE with the in utero angel sticker i bought on redbubble that has a transparent border so its JUST the angel, i stuck it on my record player and i love it so so much

5. What is your favourite concert you've been to?

i have not been to a concert yet :/ i went to a little student festival thing my university hosted for us and saw hunny + hayley kiyoko which was pretty neat

6. If you could see one artist (or band) who is no longer alive in concert, who would it be?

nirvana :(

7. Have you met any musicians?

i went to a cd signing for little mix when i was like 12-13 ish but thats the closest ive gotten lol

8. What is your go-to song/album when feeling sad?

i actually have a playlist of comfort songs to listen to when im sad, but i think the song i most consistently go to is encore by red hot chili peppers

9. What is your go-to song/album when feeling happy?

this one depends. probably hump de bump also by rhcp cause it SLAPS and always puts me in a better mood than when i started

10. What is one music-related documentary you love?

EYE only watched a few minutes of funky monks but im sure if i sat down to watch it now id love it. this is the worst question to ask me because i watch a ton of interviews on youtube so i cant even remember which ones were legit docus as opposed to just youtube vids so this question is gonna be basically unanswered. i do want to watch bob and the monster though

11. What is one concert DVD that you love?

i listen to it more as an album on spotify than watch it but Nirvana’s MTV Unplugged is so good

12. Do you prefer listening to playlists or full albums?

usually playlists! but occasionally ill play the albums i have on my player

13. Do you tend to listen to albums in order or on shuffle?

in order, shuffling them is rare

14. What is your favourite deep cut song by your favourite artist?

favorite artist is rhcp and honestly im? not fully sure. quixoticelixer slaps. and i like almost every song on im with you. but i think im gonna have to go with storm in a teacup cause i checked its streams and its not that popular </3

15. What is your favorite CD/vinyl/cassette that you own in terms of packaging?

THIS ONES SO HARD I LOVE PACKAGING DESIGNS. i love how rhcp’s im with you disc looks like because it has the track list on it but it doesnt look bad like other discs who do that do. booklet design i love vices and virtues by panic at the disco and american idiot by green day. idk what this would fall under but i also love how stadium arcadium’s booklet is held in the case and how when you take it out you see a picture of the band. and there are too many albums whose art i love so i cannot elaborate on that without making this 5xs longer lmao

@garbanz0​ & @dailywilliams​​ | top 5 songs ive had on repeat recently

according to spotify’s on repeat playlist:

but also according to my last.fm:

so basically red hot chili peppers own my ass

@badhe4d​ , @garbanz0​ , & @catts-world​ | 10 songs you like, each by a different artist

uhhhhhhhhhhh

1. Monarchy of Roses - RHCP 

2. Back and Forth - Foo Fighters

3. Heart of Glass - Blondie

4. Omission - John Frusciante and Josh Klinghoffer

5. Dance with Me - Sir, Please

6. Henrietta - The Fratellis

7. Breed - Nirvana

8. Mary - The Happy Fits

9. Girls and Boys - Blur

10. It’s All So Incredibly Loud - Glass Animals

@psychoticbreak​ |  suppose you’re being sent to a deserted island for the rest of your life, and you can only choose 10 records to bring with you and those are the only albums you can listen to for the remainder of your life; what albums are they

oh GOD ok

1. in utero - nirvana

2. stadium arcadium - RHCP

3. nothing personal - all time low

4. red - taylor swift

5. after laughter - paramore

6. wasting light - foo fighters

7. im with you + im beside you if you count them as the same album - RHCP

8. so wrong its right - all time low

9. american idiot - green day

10. inside of emptiness - john frusciante

@mark-hoppuss​ |  shuffle my playlist and list the first ten songs that come up

1. New Invention - I Don’t Know How But They Found Me

2. Thanks to You - All Time Low

3. Por Que Me Haces Llorar? - Juan Gabriel 

4. Torture Me - Red Hot Chili Peppers

5. Speak Now - Taylor Swift

6. Prayer of the Refugee - Rise Against

7. Going Away to College - blink-182

8. Time-Bomb - All Time Low

9. DNA. - Kendrick Lamar

10. Heaven is a Place on Earth - Belinda Carlisle

@frafru1​ , @whitedeadflower​ , & @psychoticbreak​ | make a playlist with the letters of my name

Lithium by Nirvana

Universally Speaking by RHCP

Pool by Paramore

Eye Opener by Dot Hacker

@badhe4d​ |  post my lock screen, the last song I listened to and the last picture I saved on my phone

friends name blocked out but. an interesting screenshot. yes i have flea’s tweet notifs on and use twitter for absolutely nothing else. yes i have email notifs on 

if screenshots count:

if they DONT count and you mean purely just saving:

my icon and boyfriend <3

@badhe4d​ | 7 questions to get to know me better

three ships: not romantically because i dont believe in shipping irl people but i love everyone in rhcp’s gay polycule energy. specifically john and anthony in the 80s. romantically tho mickey and ian in shameless. i dont think i have a third one? me and my bisexual mutuals <3

last song: i shuffled a ton of songs and skipped for some of these tags but before those i was listening to the album weird kids by we are the in crowd as a tbt, specifically the song manners

last movie: inside by bo burnham but if you dont count that, hereditary 

currently watching: it is very difficult for me to watch shows so im currently just watching youtube lol

currently reading: nothing. i cannot read :( bc of attention issues not bc im illiterate

currently consuming: banana bread :3

currently craving: RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS RELEASE YOUR FUCKING ALBUM CHALLENGE

@the-replacemints​​ |  top 10 favorite debut albums

NOT in order. also it took way too long to come up with this list lol

1. Concentrate - The Happy Fits

2. So Wrong It’s Right - All Time Low

3. SOUR - Olivia Rodrigo

4. Strange Desire - Bleachers

5. RAZZMATAZZ - I Dont Know How But They Found Me

6. Hot Fuss - The Killers

7. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend

8. Bleach - Nirvana

9. Costello Music - The Fratellis

10. WALK THE MOON - Walk The Moon

because theres so many of these im not gonna tag people for each individual prompt but if you tagged me in one of these i tag you in whichever ones you wanna do <3

[fragmentwitch]

Episode 21 livebloggin

VIER??? AS IN VIER DREISSIG FROM CICONIA?

Nice Ciconia reference bro, I was wondering when/if you'd start advertising that novel.

Idk who Mitsuyo is though. Doesn't ring a bell.

Idk that codename either. Stop speaking in riddles Not-Featherine!!!!

So it seems like even she is just a piece. I know Ryu said "yall dont need to read Umineko to get this" but that doesn't mean he's not going to use similar language to things said in the original novels like "This is the Devil's Script"... he's always kinda implied some sort of higher power is cursing everyone to bad endings. But I digress, I don't want anyone to foam at the mouth thinking abt that lol

So she's like Hanyuu and can give someone the ability to loop directly. After a long time? Uhhh ok ig

LIKE THAT WIELDED BY THE CAT? HOLD UP.... SHES TALKING ABOUT RIKA/FREDERIKA

"I dont get it, I dont understand a single word of this!"

Same, Satoko. She just dumped some 4th wall exposition at you and I'm totally at a loss even as a viewer who knows pretty much eveeything. No amount of required reading has really helped me make good theories anyway with Gou. I'm just an observer so don't look at me to help girl

FUCK YOU MEAN DONT WORRY ABOUT THE COST, SHE HAD TO KILL RIKA HERSELF BECAUSE OF YOU! A YOU DIRTY BITCH!

Im so sorry Satoko, you weren't even given a choice in all this. Please dont take it out on Rika... pls i beg u, the horned lady is the enemy! :(

Ok now I'm certain the OP is actually a back and forth between Rika and Satoko. Originally I thought it was about Hanyuu and Rika but I quit thinking about that after she disappeared. The duet the girls had kinda gives it away huh

I legit don't think Rika is aware of Satoko's feelings at all... "I don't remember what you're talking about" is a line she used on Rika... so it sounds like she resented rika up until Rika apologized. This scene makes it clear that Satoko is more upset about the way Rika treated her in favor of her new school life more than the fact Rika wanted to leave.

Wait a minute... WAS THIS NOT MATSURIBAYASHI? WHY DID SHE MAKE THAT FACE? WHATREE U UPSET ABOUT SATOKO HHHH

Ok so this is a repeat? Getting big Madoka vibes, I dont like this... Aw, Satoko. Rika is sadly set in her ways, with how defensively she kneejerked a reaction to her. I didnt realize the first time around Rika started studying right after dealing with the Yamainu, so it seems that Ryukishi retconned out pretty much the post-Matsuri OVAs where they'd have fun (Rei and Kira, and more importantly Saikoroshi-hen). Rika was kinda mean saying "if you wont come with me then FINE I'll do it by myself"... I hope this'll get those "Satoko bad" redditors to let up on her now lol. Telling you, both girls aren't 100% right or 100% wrong here. There is always both sides at fault to nearly every tussle like this.

Satoko bought the book anyway. Rika really is her soft spot. But Satoko, taking away her study time also isn't a good solution... though, I cant tell if Rika is also looper here. Rika never could just pick and choose what fragments to go to, but if Not Hanyuu gave Satoko a more refined looping ability, then Satoko could easily take Rika's soul with her to the next world. But that means Satoko has to also ensure she dies, and that falls pretty consistently with all the early deception arcs. Satoko was never shown to die til after Rika (or at the same time as Rika), it didn't really matter who'd kill Rika. At this moment I'm still fairly certain Satoko hadnt killed Rika herself til the ritual.

So it seems like Rika is compromising with her friends, at least. But I get the feeling it'll lead to either failing the entrance exams or her becoming resentful of Satoko intentionally swaying her all the time.

This Rika promises, but I'm guessing she doesn't actually fulfill it. Or she does and gets killed? Idk. I dont believe this for a second lmao

It's just a hug girls, wtf lmfao. I know Yellow is Sus but...

Bruh. Damn nevermind, Satoko, you're fucking nuts!!! You definitely take after your Nee-Nee huh.

Anyways he's really laying it on thick for the "Lambda is Satoko" believers!!

[bellamyblakru]

HEYYYYYYY i’m so excited to respond to ur ask it made me so happy to see u in my notifs and i’m so excited for u for ur milestone! anyways i kinda want all of them but i decided to cut down to 🥺 :)))) 👀 pls rant i will read it all and ☕️ for morgwen andddd manon from the tog books. <3 <3 :*

HEY AMY!!! i hope you had a lovely day today🥺thank you for the ask💞

🥺- for my mutuals, ill talk about why i follow you and why everyone should be as well

omg im pretty sure i met and started following you like the day of that bellamy scene™️ because i remember thinking how fucking horrendous that episode ended, and, at the same time, how amazing that night on tumblr was aksnakaaj. so that night, tumblr was a fucking disaster and chaotic and funny asf. i remember texting @tkstrrand the entire ep (bc she couldn’t watch it for some reason) like how boring it was/how she wasn’t missing much blahblah and then when the death scene happened at the last fucking second, i sent her about a thousand separate incoherent texts in the span of like two minutes LOL tumblr was in shambles and i made a few posts about how fucking dumb the show was—one post i made i told my few new followers to fuck the 100 and just watch merlin and you texted me about it!! we have literally so much in common (with merlin, atla, the 100, tog!!!) that when you texted me about how you felt about that scene compared to merlin’s ending, my thought was like “this blog is so kind and we feel the same way and i need to follow asap.”

you are literally so sweet and lovely to talk to🥺that night™️ may had been disastrous, but i can look on it with a lighter heart because we met because of it!! every time we talk i always smile so much (and dw, i know i still have to get clone wars for our boy anakin👀👀)

dude, everyone should be following you because your blog is incredible, your tags are superb, and you are literally one of the sweetest people i’ve met on here😭💞 i adore you.

👀 - and ill tell you a parallel from merlin or the 100 that still fucks me up

this post for merthur still FUCKS ME UP by @camelotsheart

THE EYES. THE GIFSET’S BEAUTIFUL COLORING. THE EYES. EYES. I CANT. THIS GIFSET HAUNTS ME. parallels, man, i fucking love them.

☕️ + send me a ship/character/movie/book and ill give you my opinions on it

my opinions on morgwen:

I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I SHIP IT WITH MY WHOLE ASS SOUL. dude, their potential as a ship is incredible😭i fucking love them together. i wrote them as a side pairing in my first multi-chapter merthur fic and i adored writing their interactions and dynamic sm. if morgana was going to be with anyone, my first choice will always be gwen. i also read them as a pairing in fics all the time because the pure power-couple potential is insane.

hot ☕️ here™️: i think if someone was to bring morgana back from the brink of hatred, it should have been gwen (not merlin). so, like, i could definitely see merlin telling her about his magic and whatnot and maybe that would have stopped her from going dark side...but...i didn’t think merlin should have (ekk probably an unpopular opinion).

see, i love merlin with my entire heart..and tbh telling uther fucking pendragon’s ward that he had magic was just too much of a gamble—especially with arthur’s life on the line, which literally became merlin’s sole purpose in life (another matter for a different essay™️). i understand his need to keep it a secret from her even more when the large reptile repeatedly got into merlin’s head that she was bad news from the jump (also another matter for a different essay™️).

SO. that leaves two options for our miserable magical gal: arthur or gwen. now, i honestly believe arthur wouldn’t have hurt her if he was told. and i even think he may have became more sympathetic to the magical community because of it—especially when he saved mordred wayyyy early on that cemented the fact that arthur was not uther. but i can also understand why morgana wouldn’t tell arthur, and it’s pretty much the same reason merlin didn’t tell her about his magic: the risk was too big and she didn’t want to gamble her life with an unknown reaction.

now we get to the main point: gwen would have been the best option for her. whether it is platonic or not, gwen was always there for morgana. gwen is such a kind, loving soul, and she deeply respected and adored morgana—you can tell by the way she smiled around her in the beginning seasons, how she would get her flowers, how she would worry about morgana��s wellbeing. even though gwen was morgana’s servant, she cared for her in more ways than were required and it showed. they were best friends. the entire incident with gwen’s father, which was horrendous, might be the reason gwen would be rightfully upset about the subject of magic; however. she knew her father wasn’t magical, she knew uther was a tyrant, and she knew morgana’s heart. someone is gonna tell me that if morgana had explained to gwen what happened, how her magic was innate, how morgana would never fucking choose to have magic anywhere near her shithead guardian (who probably would have killed her imo if he knew bc you know the whole “fire will purify” bullshit), that gwen would hate her??? I MEAN LITERALLY WATCH THE LAST EPISODES AGAIN. when QUEEN GWEN realizes that the whole time it was merlin saving everyone’s asses, and she connected all the dots, her face showed nothing but pure understanding and acceptance.

gwen was such an underused character. her fucking potential arcs could have been phenomenal (again, LOL, another matter for a different essay™️), and the way canon made morgana use gwen was fucking gross and im not a fan🙃 but fuck canon. i ship them and i love them to pieces ✌🏻thank you for coming to my talk✌🏻

my opinions on manon mf blackbeak:

oh boy, where do i start? i would die for her...is that too extreme for the starting place? i fucking LOVE manon blackbeak dude. oh my god, so, remember when her and aelin fought for the first time in QoS? i remember jumping up from my lounging position with my hand over my smiling mouth because i love both of these badass hardcore women with everything i am. i mean, aelin owns my ass (she is probably my favorite character of all time rn) but manon hits differently. her storyline at the beginning was so bleh, but, man, did it escalate fast to “holy shit” to “i fucking love her” to “oh fuck im sobbing.”

the only thing i will complain about with her character in canon was the fact that my girl was straight???? excuse me?? she has been alive for fucking forever and she is straight? no. i cant accept that. tbh i ship manon and elide🥺 (i also ship dorain and chaol oops). but her character development was everything and i cant think too long on what happens because i will start crying tbh sksjsmakks

okay wow im so sorry for, uh, spilling every thought i had into this. it legit took me like a day to respond 😔

i appreciate you so much. thank you🥺💞

[mariailoveyou-guerin]

Julien dad is kinda cuteee

so true WHERE IS OBIE that’s literally my brand me and julien followers are alike love you julien

let me close my eyes at obie lying to my girl just so he can go see the charity case! He has such cute laugh and beautiful smile tho

not zoya saying things I would say I legit said he has pretty big smile and cute laugh then she did too maybe I’m to harsh on the charity girl! I too would be flirting with obie cute ass but julien is my bitch so I have to hate the whore trying to get with her sister man always team julien obvi!

when his elitism showed my heart made weird sounds let’s go obie forget about the poor let’s stop caring about charity all together and be rich and elitist like the rest of your peers plz

loving aki and monet bantering that’s what great ships are made off when I get their slow burn endgame you’ll see

damn he is good and smooth not him hitting zoya with “ the smile you like so much can do anything” I swear my heartbeating for him and so mature of him he didn’t cheat on julien just broke it off with her and said he cared about her love that  I know they’re endgame they’ve to be

what I don’t get is y’all love Nate who’s a whole cheater why bc pretty right? and dan who’s literally annoying horrible for being gg but somehow Obie is trash for the julien/zoya thing and him being good rich person! seems like y’all pick choose who to hate/like  the HYPOCRISY!

damn obie is so cute and hot doing all this, like I already love you obie no need to prove anything! also who’s gonna carry all the things they buy? why didn’t they just have the store take everything to the schools the end #GossipGirl  trying to impress charity girl are we?

I now like luna not throwing people off buildings I didn’t know thats what it’ll take for me to like her but it did and julien should for sure push zoya off the building! julien monet stays being my best girls #GossipGirl  love that for me! kinda started liking max too I’m shocked

remember how y’all was saying julien was puppet for Luna Monet lmao y’all saw how they just knew who’s at the top of the food chain and was quiet when julien did not post whatever that video of zoya is exactly my girl was nobody puppet and never will be #GossipGirl  best believe!!

guess obie kisses and goes back to julien after he sees what zoya did in that video! #GossipGirl 

does zoya have no shame girl how u kissing ur sister ex after making her feel like the bad guy for being upset about u going after him in front of the whole school then saying she’s bad sister for exposing u to ur dad when u literally dating her man #GossipGirl  zoya a hypocrite!!

they way zoya is actually sick tho she was making julien out to be this horrible person sister for exposing her to her dad but she was the one making moves on her own sister man before she even knew they was broken up! cant wait for #GossipGirl  to use that video hopefully soon!

[savnofilter]

okay so im just gonna my tingz and whatever since people can believe what theyd like.

whoop its more drama. 😅

so if you hadnt already seen it, great if you havent great. ahh im literally shaking oops but this is serious so i'll only what i have to say, and she blocked and deleted all my apologies and explanations.

i wasnt going to post anything because i replied and had said my words and left it at, if you dont want to like me thats fine, i'll live.

i one, would like to say that she even removed it so like rip me. uhhh i would make a video really to talk it because im bad at words and me typing it makes it worse ahahah.

essentially it was just a bunch of screenshots of me being mean so yeah that was it. er um wooph this is too much for me, the only account i can properly say was that i can say i was harsh was that christmas thing with someone who i havent spoken with in months and its that i said i hate people who celebrate it mad early. and yeah i can harsh because ive already explained that sometimes im blunt about it and when im in a bad mood i dont care.

on the other accounts let me say which i dont remember cause she had all the screenshots and i deleted all the chats because it was turning my already sour mood, even more sour.

so she said i didnt greet her properly which i even talked to you once before so idek what she was trying to get at there. 😅 ahh i asked who she was because i had been having on and off issues with a writer and that was already in the server. she suddenly added her to the discord after it being open for many months so naturally that added suspicion and i also have a great deal of knowing when something was up so yuh... call my instincts right cause it was in the messages that were sent to me. 😅

ahhh (ignore my many ah's when i get anxious it just happens ahahah) but those were taken out of context and like were set up to make me look bad. and even just in the whole post, the whole reason why they talked to me was to venge for something to bring me down LMAO.

just like before ive cooled down tremendously so im done from my mental breakdown to properly say this:

1) i didnt know it was even a slur. i just thought it meant dumb and it was only yesterday i had found out that it was bad.

now i'll say this again because people like being on this sav hate train to even read my words LMAO, im sorry for the words i said.

literally the person that i used it on doesnt even fucking like me so the fact thatd they were rude to me and then get shocked that im rude. i even said that day i had not been fine, i was not well. and if you got your secret santa friend you could also get screenshots saying that i said at the point in time i did not care what i said to people because i was planning on killing myself so i didnt care what i was going to say because you know id be dead.

2) may i say again, i had suspicions of other party friend talking about me because she even messaged me on many times and even brought up one situation that i took piss poor shit in handling. 😂

and may i mention she (christmas person) left because she didnt speak up about other issues that couldve been talked out with and decided to leave.

not only that i thought we were talking about our opinions on celebrating christmas so stop trying to feed word into me mouth m8.

AND ALSO, YOU KEEP SAYING THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS LIKE THAT WASNT EVEN THE THING. 😂

and also the conversation had lack of communication so everything was jumbled up, and i didnt even know she was actually leaving the server i thought she was going "tata" for a bit and i was going to talk to her, i eventually did but we do not speak anymore.

3) the main reason why she spoke to me was to basically catch me red handed LMAO. and she got what she wanted. 👏🏽i literally had people message me, asking why she was even asking for peoples ages.

one how do you even know i was referencing you?! i... but anyways... again you want to make me out to be a bad person lmao. i have bad moments just like everybody else. but because i like to be nice and uplift people i cant make mistakes? like what flawed logic is that?

how am i supposed to grow if i dont make mistakes and learn from them. it woudve been a whole different story if i used it multiple times and didnt give a fuck. and no, its not every day that im a "dumb fucking cunt" to people.

4) you legit deleted my responses and apologies. 😂 and people are just jumping on this and dont even

know me.

ever talked to me.

not even in the server.

so now the "brought to tumblr" again i was just sharing my damn sadness dude. your call-out post makes no sense. trying to make it sound like im out here trying to ruin peoples days is not even close to the truth... i myself hate making people feel bad about themselves.

im not some sociopath, and youre mad because i was bummed i realized that someone that i thought was amazing doesnt like me??? like youre telling me that you snapping at me everytime we talked im just supposed to take it? i just...

and ive said it on my blog, im not in the best place. youre gonna get me off on my off days. i even said that me even interacting is not even a good idea but i choose to make the conscious decision to even talk to people just makes me feel even worse because someone was mean to me first.

you cant take me being my worst and saying its my fucking whole. you dont care about me wanting to "fIx My WaYs" you just want to fucking embarrass me and have people hate me.

if youre trying to show character, youre doing a terrible job at it.

i tried adding you as a friend to even talk to you but you had even BLOCKED ME on discord. you dont care. at all. stop pretending youre some knight, if all i was even trying to talk it out to you and youre response is "youre mean you suck" like what the fuck...

you and your friends and your followers my "followers" who havent asked for my side just show how much you guys really want to pUrIfY this erotica for anime community,,

and also you were a massive prick to my friend because she was sharing her own thoughts so i dont even know why youre trying to act like youre an angel. unless you can tell me that you have never been wrong, i will just crucify myself on the cross and apologize to jesus for being such a sinner.

the more i type, the more i get spiteful so i will stop myself here. have a wonderful night/day/whenever you see it dude or never see it cause you blocked me lol.

EDIT: also i never even hinted that it was you so it just confirms this was only for malicious purposes... and i now just feel like you made it because you feel like i shouldnt have feelings either.

~

apologies if its all over the place, i wrote this in a state of panic to a slow burn of being mellowing out.

[fart-gate]

SG1

Season 5 episode 2

"THRESHOLD"

Notes by me

- PREVIOUSLY - they brainwashed my beefcake!!!!

- pls tell me Jack can make him remember with the power of Bros

- he lying aint he

- BRATAC??? MY BOY???

- bratac knew with just a look that he was lying bro he could tell by his goddamn aura omg

- UM GET YO HAND OUTA THERE

- why you take tealcs baby!!!

- tealc needs to remember his friends OR ELSE

- bra'tac please. All of your methods are violent

- but honestly I cant wait to watch it

- 'let him stew in his own filthy brain until he remembers' is basically whats happening

- bratac saying fraiser is one of tealcs friends and she needs to stay to help him ❤❤❤❤❤

- "I am 100% sur-.........99% sure apophis is dead"

Daniel giving Jack a tiny head shake bc THEY DONT KNOW BITCH!!! EVERYTIME APOPHIS GETS BLOWN UP IT TURNS OUT HE SURVIVES BC HE fuckin CALLED AN UBER TO SAVE HIM BEFORE THE EXPLOSION REACHED HIM or something I dont fuckin know

- omg apophis literally told tealc that his dad shouldve died at an unwinnable battle and his now torturing him and there are still jaffa that stay loyal to them!!!! What the fuck!!!! They treat all the jaffa like shit and they still- I cant take this

- cure for brainwashing: strap him to a bed and have story time about all the memories of you guys braiding daniels hair or something Idk

- this better not awaken anything in me

- "life for the sake of life means nothing"

- I dont want bratac to die :(((((

- story time with Daniel and Jack

- akdhdjdb Daniel sitting down and his mind just goes blank. Head empty no thoughts

- "as your best friend-" !!!!!!!❤❤❤

- "that would make you the most ineffective double agent in the history of double agenting"

- seeing tealc without his gold scar and its just a drawing instead

- "Valar?"

"It sounded like Valour"

"The fabric?"

"Sounded like it"

"WHY would he say that"

"Why would he say Valar???"

- they picked the worse two people to handle this important assignment

- shirtless tealc in the snow???👀

- "I am not blind" but this was a good training thing from bratac bc in one episode you did go blind!!!! So good on bratac for preparing you

- bratac slipping in little anti gods propaganda into his teachings lmfao sneak100

- we love to see my mans building the rebels up from the ground for his father💪

- this is personal for Daniel. He mad

- "do not test my temper, woman" I LEGIT thought he called Daniel a woman for a hot sec

- drey'ac saying how can he not be a god when he can throw balls of light and shit. Imma quote Star Trek on this one sis

"Any sufficiently advanced extraterrestrial intelligence is indistinguishable from god"

- tealc so confused and conflicted and she said you know what you need? Some pussy

- "did he just call me a woman?"

Sjdjdjejdnfnf

- nooooooo fraiser dont resign youre so sexy aha

- "is it working"

"We talked about fabric briefly"

"He called me a woman"

"So yeah its working"

- love how they do this for him. They just sit and talk with him. My kids are all in love

- when tealc has to kill his friend and the rest of the jaffa are like yeah this is normal. NO

- he used it as a test to see if apophis was all knowing and it worked!!! BITCH my boy is SMART

- can I marry tealc is that possible

- I just realised they put candles everywhere for him. Inside the medical bay. I mean cough fire hazard cough but so aesthetic

- he burned his friend along with a whole village :( my god he has been thru some shit

- bratacs outfit. Work bitch

- "men such as you and I have only the comfort of those times we make a difference.......make a difference"

- flash back of tealc choosing to join sg1 bc he got Good Vibes from them

- I agree with friaser about it being tough to watch but bratac has done this before and its their only option

- "I can save these people!......help me"

"Many have said that.......but you are the first I believe could do it!"

- THE FLASHES OF HIM WITH THE TEAM 💖❤💖❤💖❤💖💖❤💖❤💖❤💖❤💖❤💖💖❤

- "I choose freedom"

- is apophis really dead tho. Thats the question for me

- i am crying I am laughing I am singing the clouds are parting the sun is out. I'm so happy we got my hunk back

- thanks bra'tac , your methods were violent but effective none the less.

~

Whump under the cut

Tealc whump: brainwashed, tied to bed, hospital scene, junior taken out, edge of death, ribbon device to forehead, vivid recall, weak sweating, waking up from nightmare, emotional, lasts through out whole episode

🎶listening to Salt by Bad Suns🎶 this song has many meanings for me but listening to the words made me think of this episode 💖

[ethereal-lotto]

I'm gonna start watching The Boyz 'Flower Snack' & thought it would be nice to post my thoughts during the episodes, mostly because I'm barely 15min in & this is already too funny

So here we go!

Episode 1.

• I love the concept of them running a snack show instead of this being a survival show or something like that, this feels more entertaining and fun

• I can believe so many people seem to knew about them since predebut but they don't have as much recognition on Korea :(

• Kevin looks a lot different in predebut as now, but he's still baby

• Their dorm looks so clean wtf normally bg dorms are messy but theirs look organized

• Also I still cant believe all 12 of them lived/live in the same apartment what the hell

• Ngl I'm trying not to get attached to Hwall to save a heartbreak but he's too cute :c

• Can't believe Hyuksoo is really going to help them running the snack bar, how did the company get him to that xd

•+ Younghoon not even realizing a deadass complete man was sitting on their couch HOW DID HE NOT SEE HIM??

• The fact that it took them a while to even see there was a grown ass man on their living takes me out aksksks

• Also Juyeon going straight for a hug with Hyuksoo was really cute, he was very excited (*´ω｀*)

• Them saying Sangyeon is a good leader and showing how he leads them doing the breakfast was really nice uwu

• The fact that they apologized because they had almost no food for Hyuksoo 😭😭

• WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED WITH THEIR RICE COOKER? THEY HID IT SO FAST lmao

• I'm laughing at them having expired sauce as if that wasn't me living by my own eye

• but seriously Jacob gasp when he noticed the sauce went bad & the windows system shutting down sound effect KSKSKS

• HOW do they have a TWO years expired sauce in their fridge

• Kevin & Juyeon actually went to the supermarket why is that so funny to me

• Juyeon was looking so fine since predebut,,, love that men

• also Juyeon being excited about Hyuksoo he's babie pls

• "MBC is richier than us" lmao

• Younghoon is so pretty,,, I'm at awe

• i'm crying the subs said "Sunwoo, grownup baby" AKSKSK PLEASE

• Sunwoo cutest boy

• SUNWOO DEADASS ASKED HYUKSOO "WHAT DO YOU DO"

• Sunwoo is so direct talking I love this dude

• Eric making Hyuksoo play games to pass time is actually something I would do lol

• the fact that they aren't even using a plate to eat just straight up forks why

• Changmin "I have a question" "Go ahead" "I don't remember" and his face after they laughed,,, he a whole cutie ((*＾3＾)/

• what the fuck, the anus part sounds so wrong 🤡

• like,,, they knew what they were doing with the edit

• They were so confused at the containers, homeboys had no idea what the fuck they were doing there

• didn't they just ate?? why are they feeding them more food couldn't just tell them straight up

•Haknyeon is so effortless funny

• Their faces when Hyuksoo told them that they were going to sell food: 👁️👄👁️

• dude, Hwalls smile :((( I said no attachments and yet

•Younghoon & Chanhee asking if they're going to draw blood from them,, I'm soft

•They were so scared when they draw blood out of them aksks pwease, babies

• Jacob asking if the can know what his blood type is, boy how did you NOT know your blood type

• wait he did explain one second later

• Apparently in Canada they don't tell you what your blood type is, so neither him or his parents knew,, dude wth

• They guessing what its his blood type was so endearing

• btw he's type B everybody

• also they were talking about blood types the way some people talk of zodiac signs, like if it's meant to reveal something about your personality xd

• IM CRINGING SO BAD AT THE HOSPITAL PART

• they legit didn't have to show us the anus part that was so awkward to watch aksksks

• I'm never getting over this

• Chanhee dropping the q-tip on the toilet and having to go look for a new one 🗿🗿

• why do I feel Sangyeon, Hyunjae & Eric are gonna pull out a prank on the rest

• dude what

• Juyeon telling them to go on without him ;(( noo

And that's it on Episode 1!

At first I wanted to do just episode one today because they're pretty long but I'm deadass intrigued by their cliffhanger so I'm going to watch the beginning of episode 2 🤡

Episode 2!

• okay that intro of them doing the mannequin challenge was cute

• okay but they telling Juyeon he's infected was really mean, like that wasn't funny he honestly looked concerned

• Juyeon thought he was sick but he still didn't want to slow the boys down ;(

• Everybody saying they had to do it together 😭

• Sunwoo saying he was more worried about Juyeon than the restaurant (╥﹏╥)

• dude i was this closed to actually start crying

• Kevin looking that shit up as the INTELLIGENT, SMART men that he is, love his two braincells

• I knew it was a prank

• lmao Sangyeon deadass said: let's give Juyeon a heart attack today

• i hate them for choosing Juyeon

• They chose him because he trust everything very easily,,, the way my heart broke

• they didn't need it to drag it up for so long why are they like this

• Sunwoo was so worried ☹️

• Juyeon was really worried about himself and yet the laughed so hard when they told him it was a prank

• Sangyeon went as far as fake crying & Hyunjae was so mean, these men's are savages

• Sunwoo getting mad and defensive for Juyeon, we love that

• Sangyeon said the he actually cried because he thought "what if one of us gets sick?", he stayed days studying how to open a restaurant and talking notes, he took tests about it, he took charge of the certifications for the restaurant. I'm so proud of him as a leader, it's never an easy job but he works hard and takes care of the boyz, he's such a great leader 💜

That's all I'm going to watch for now ❤️

I'm not really hoping for anyone to read this long ass post, I just wanted to had my thoughts about the show in some place so I can look back at them sometime.

take some rest, stay inside & stan the boyz ୧(＾ 〰 ＾)୨

[kennothythebard]

5, 9, 11, 14, 18, 19, 26, 39, 45 (farmer refuted is pretty famously the "disliked" song in hamilton, do you like it or do you just like that one line?)

holy moly thats a lotta questions! answers under the read more bc its longggg

5. favorite fics?

oh boy i have to choose favorites???? alrighty then, they were kids that i once knew still haunts me in the best way (dear evan hansen, massive warning for character death), quite aware of what they’re going through and laugh like me again are from a weird period when i was reading breakfast club fanfic (the first is a reimagining, the second is a continuation) and i really like them both, and im just now realizing i didnt do a lot of fic reading towards the end of the decade so i cant remember which fics impacted me (mostly if i want a fic of some dynamic i write it myself lmao). But a reylo fic is pretty iconic

9. favorite tv shows?

The Good Place and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend are both incredible comedies, also Brooklyn 99, and though its a terrible terrible anime i literally cannot stop watching kakegurui (though for anime i also loved watching ouran high school host club, carole and tuesday, yuri on ice and ore monogatari)

And then of course theres steven universe which is on its own level, legend of korra, gravity falls, she-ra (pls dont let me down), over the garden wall, and infinity train (pls dont let me down season 2) and im probably forgetting a lot of shows i love

11. favorite lines/lyrics from anything that you just want to share?

if i listed all of them id never stop listing them, so here are just a few:

“And ultimately I believe we’ll be okay/It’s so cliche to say these things but repetition is a key” from “Ultimately” by khai dreams

“I’m just a drink away from honesty/so who knows what’s true?” from “Don’t Miss Me?” by Marianas Trench (and of course while we’re on MT, the entire bridge from dearly departed kills me dead each time)

“I’m not bitter, I’m just tired/No use getting angry at the way that you’re wired” from “Guiltless” and “I promise you/It’ll all make sense again” from “Secret for the Mad” both by dodie

“If we dissolved without a trace/would the real world even care?” and “Reality is a lovely place/but I wouldn’t wanna live there” from “The Real World” by Owl City

“Let me go, it’s okay/Let me go/And if I fall/I’ll fall safely” from “Safely” by MALINDA (that entire song tbh is so incredible) (oh also “Whose face is in the mirror today?/Is it me or am I in the way” from “Music Box” also by malinda) and i better stop before i just list the entire discography of all my fav artists. and thats without getting into musical theater, or even non music lines.

14. favorite celebrities?

in general i try not to get too attached to celebrities but to name a few I casually support, Rebecca Sugar, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Adam Young (Owl City), and Rachel Bloom.

18. a fandom you are glad you are no longer part of?19. a fandom that you had the best time in?

superwholock for the former (your fave is problematic lmao)

i actually still enjoy steven universe and the dear evan hansen fandom, and I loved being in the Love, Simon fandom when that was a thing. and I love being in the SCP fandom (well, more like writing for the site but whatever same diff). ultimately ive found my experience in fandom is determined by how i interact with it (i.e. dont attach your personality too strongly to a fandom, srsly. bad idea), and by participating vaguely and in moderation for these fandoms.

26. favorite look you had?

my current look is my best look. Plaid shirts, rainbow converse, bright dyed hair, hella pins, i look the best and the gayest i ever have right now

39. a heated but ultimately irrelevant debate with friends that you won?

i legit cant remember any. i guess my brother stopped trying to make “outer sporce” a thing but that wasnt super heated.

45. farmer refuted is pretty famously the "disliked" song in hamilton, do you like it or do you just like that one line?

I’m sorry, people dont like farmer refuted?????!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!! its so clever and well written and i love it. For shame! FOR SHAME!!!!

look at that! i managed to answer every question without even mentioning your username! happy new year!

[silversunshine2012]

About Self Harm

For those who either want to help a friend/family member/etc who self harms and wants to stop, or if you yourself are trying to find ways to stop but don’t fully understand why or what helps or why you’re feeling this way or whatever.  This is for you.

So.  If you don’t know why some people with depression self harm, this, as someone with personal first hand experience, is the only way i know how to explain it

So there are a few different reasons but these three were always my main go-to’s when i was in that place.

Imagine you’re drowning.  Or that you’re in a void.  And in that void there is nothing put pain and fear and loneliness and the desperate need for sleep.  But you can’t sleep.  And even though good and bad things are going on around you, there’s a wall separating you from those things.  So, you know you should feel happy or sad or angry or whatever, but you don’t.  So..  Hey.  Physical pain is better than nothing right?  And for me it felt like an adrenaline rush.  Or just..  All of the sudden there was something to feel that didn’t feel forced or fake for others’ sake.  And it was addicting.  

How i would describe this one to those that understand the feeling (usually trying to help and pin point what the feeling is so that i can help them not harm themselves) usually ends up being, “i feel like shit and yet i feel nothing which makes me feel worse because it also doesn't bc i /cant/ /fucking/ /feel/”

Another reason was that I felt like a failure.  For me personally i never felt like i was punishing myself though.  For me personally it always felt like an escape from my own mind badgering me over and over again about how pathetic and stupid and worthless and all those other things i was starting to believe i truly was.  

This one I usually explain like this, “i'm a shit person i should just die in a hole.. *****.. you're my only friend..”  (i sensor this for both our sakes, so that they can insert whatever they use to self harm instead of simply saying what i used primarily, and so that neither of us has to read a word that is a trigger for one or both of us)

The third reason, and this one became more prevalent as i began to actively try not to harm myself, was that as the scars began to fade (and to those of you who think they never will, most do.  Yes there are deeper ones that may never completely disappear, but they do fade) I felt guilty about it.  I felt guilty because I was trying to forget a person who so desperately just wanted to be seen, and remembered, and missed.  I felt like I was betraying myself, my own trust.  Like I was abandoning myself.  Or even just that I felt that it was part of the new routine now.  Or at least, that was what i told myself when I didn’t feel like getting too deep into it.  

However, especially after i started actively fighting the urges, it was usually a weird amalgamation of all of those.  (And as i write I’m realizing more and more little details about why like how when I felt guilty for not doing it, I felt like a shit person.  And again.  What was the go-to “friend” when i felt like a shit person?  Exactly.  Which of course made not wanting to anymore even harder, and just added to the whole dynamic and mess of emotions that didn’t even feel fully real anyway.)  

So, what helped me the most, especially when it was one of those amalgamation ones, was to do an amalgamation of alternatives.  

Depending on how dire the urge to feel or remember or see something physical and just have a little evidence of my past self, etc.  If that urge was too strong to wait, I would change the order.  But my go-to was usually this:

(for me 1 and 2 were interchangeable)

1.  Distract yourself.  Go on a walk outside, get some water, walk away and get out of your current surroundings, take a bath, go in the restroom and just splash some water on your face.  You can craft or do something fun like reading or whatever.  Just something to get your mind off of it and onto something better.

2.  If you can, and you don’t want to distract yourself because it makes you feel worse for ignoring a problem you know is there and you don’t want to keep doing that because you know that just makes things worse when you’re trying to GET BETTER FFS.  Then go to a quiet spot and just start writing.  Write down everything you feel, that you think you should feel, like this is legit your time to be as existential as you want.  All that existential crisis shit you do when you feel numb?  Yeah.  Do that.  Write it all down and get inside your own head and just, get it out.  Even if you don’t think you can write it how you want it?  Just keep writing.  Either until you think you understand it all a little better, or just feel better because you got it just..  OUT yknow?  You aren’t going to share this with anyone so go ahead and write literally anything and everything.  If you really /reeaally/ want, later you can show someone you trust if you think they will be able to help or you want them to understand things better.

        a.  Drawing also works.  Just do something that gets out what you feel inside in some way.

3.  If that doesn’t help, or you can’t do that because you have a limited amount of time to yourself at that exact moment and you physically can’t push it down any longer because you think you’ll explode in front of your friends, coworkers, boss, parents, etc. 

        a.  Grab some ice and run it across where you would normally hurt yourself.  It wont have the same warm buzzy burn or sharp sting or any of those, but it burns in its own way.  

        b.  Grab some pens.  Red works great, for obvious reasons, but blue and black also do too for different poetic reasons like blue for robot veins and black for the black that you always described your soul as only semi-jokingly or the void you’re trying to get out of but not leave the little kid behind still trapped there in the process.  Pens are great because you can use different pressures and write words and all these other things.  You can even trace your veins which not only helps but looks badass when you’re done

These usually helped me the most.  No.  This is not a fully comprehensive list of alternatives.  If I can find one again I will link it in here somewhere.*  However, I wanted to help and show that I understand and you’re not alone if you feel this way and things can get better.  It’ll take some time and a lot of patience and work on your part and a lot of support from family, friends, and loved ones.  But it can and will get better eventually.  

And don’t feel like you can’t come to anyone.  Trust me.  I know how hard it is.  Especially when you feel like you don’t want to drag them all down with you because you care about them too much to let them be swallowed up by the same abyss of fear and pain and tears that you’re in when they tried to save you and pull you out.  

But listen to me for a sec, okay?  Like really listen.  If they truly care about you?  They will be there.  They may not know how to help.  They may not know what you’re going through fully.  But they will try their best to be there for you and try to get you help or just be an ear to listen.  Let them help.  Don’t be alone.  Don’t choose to be alone.  Get help.  Surround yourself with the people who love you and care about you because I can Guarantee they exist.  And if the people you love help you by helping you find a therapist, take your therapist’s advice seriously.  Engage.  Don’t just let this pass by.  Everyone likely needs at least a little therapy, so take advantage of it.  You’re not weird or brain damaged or crazy by being there.  You’re admitting you need help.  And that’s the first step to getting some.

And to those of you who want to help but don’t know how, just listen first.  Please don’t judge.  Don’t make them feel bad for coming to you, because it took a shit ton of courage for them to do so.  Listen to them.  Really listen.  If you’re in a position to help them find a therapist or something, and maybe even help them pay for it, that’s great!  And if you’re the one taking them home from therapy sessions?  Don’t badger them until they tell you everything they told their therapist.  That’s what a therapist is for.  Don’t push them.  They’ll tell you things when they’re ready, or maybe just not at all.  And that’s okay.  It’s nothing against you personally.  But a therapist is trained and knows the brain and people in a way that can help far better than you can.  Also, they don’t have to see this therapist outside of therapy, and if they do, they need to get another therapist or not see them outside of therapy.  Because that can completely defeat the whole purpose.

And for those of you who can’t actually talk to anyone about this because of safety reasons or anything else like that.  I’ll put a link to hotlines and chatrooms that can help for an immediate one-time help.  

And remember.  Asking for help does not make you useless or pathetic or stupid or needy or any of those things.  You are trying to get better.  Realizing that you’re having urges to self harm again and actively trying to fight it and fight the part of you that still wants to or says it’s easier. Is. Ficking. Huge.  It’s an enormous step in the right direction.  Towards healing.  But urges come and go.  Don't let the crazy bitch in the back of ur mind telling you getting help is bad or that this is who you are and it'll never change, win.  Don't let them take part of you with them when they crawl back in that hole in ur mind where ur trying to bury them for good.  Don’t let them take that kid that just wants to be seen and remembered down with them when they go back.  Who you were and who you are are two totally different people.  Yes they're the same in many ways. but they're different.  child you, five year old you? you when you didn't know any better? you when you thought you were going to grow up to be a superhero?  You before you found out your sexuality or gender or lack thereof?  Yes.  They were all you.  But only were.  Not are.  Who you are now is the pieces from all those people you were that you choose to take with you

But don’t forget that while that bastard in your head you think of as a villain for now is buried, the malevolent being you tell to fuck off when those self deprecating thoughts come in, and the one you call your depression and all of that, they’re still in there.  Even while they’re buried they’re still there.  And they will come back out.  But they come out to help both of you heal.  They need healing too.  And with time, and support and help and trust and love and patience and work.  You both will slowly heal together, and someday you can even visit every once in a while to help those after you going through the same shit you went through.  And you can know that what you went through wasn’t for nothing.  Because you make sure of it.

Alternatives

to

Self

Harming

Suicide Prevention chat

More hotlines

More hotlines worldwide

Crisis as well as suicide hotlines

[smoliboops]

so i woke up this morning (so apologies if i sound a bit off or groggy in this haha) but i awoke to a lot of posts discussing about “drama” and speciffically first saw @turquoisemagpie​ ‘s geniuinely curious post about the community’s status.

i’ll start off by saying 1) im also genuinely curious about all this. i care about this community and ive been in the tumblr one specifically for 4 years now, and this seems to be the first anomaly ive seen in my time here that hasn’t been one off but “underlying”.

2) im human, lol. i’ll be honest, ive never gotten involved with stuff like this (the only one i think would barely count was when the community was debating over anti’s portrayal back in december 2017). this is just what i think in as objective and analytical of a way i can place it, and it’s not wrong nor right. just my own thoughts. (also note, i have two exams tomorrow, so i  probs wont be on here afterwards anyway cos i need to study else i die lol, but i just wanted to chime in like anyone else would)

ok first point- the drama is not shallow enough to solely revolved around the intro outro changing.

it is not the issue itself; rather it is the situation, or window that is giving us a bigger picture in the new, wierd mood that the community has been in for a while. 

im human, but personally, in the large amount of time ive spent everyday scrolling thru the tag i have not legitamentely seen a post saying “oh i dont like that jack isnt doing the intro anymore im unsubscribing.” it doesnt seem logical to me that someone who dedicates themselves enough to the channel that they are a active member of the tumbtlr community, to throw all that away just for an intro.

what i have seen instead are 2 things:

1) usually when i scroll thru the tag and see a current hot topic, i try to scroll back up til i find the post that probably originally started it all. this, along with the first type ive seen in the tag, are people saying that “some people are unsubscribing cos of outro...how can they do that..they have to understand change is normal...people act like children sometimes...i cant believe it those people are not part of the community they should just leave...etc

2)the people i have seen saying “ah man i miss the intro and outro....i miss them it feels a little weird without them...i hope they dont go away forever i’d miss it”..etc

number 2 does not match with the people number 1 are talking about. unless i am wrong (i am human so if you have actually seen this on tumblr send me a link to the person’s blog or post) the people missing the outros have never said they would leave the community. Simply expressing a sentiment for something that has always been the norm that is now changing, that’s all it is for most people.

BUT, the misunderstanding/missalignment i see between 1 and 2, is that people in 2 is either being generalized/misslabeled/or lumped by others as the “leaving the community” group. and this can even apply to number 1, where some who genuine simplly want to say “the outro might be gone, but it’s ok to change” are grouped into the others saying “leave the community you kids dont belong here” and this is the window into the main problem i think in the community.

jack is changing. this is the happiest ive seen him be in 4 years and you have no idea how happy i am for him that he is choosing to take care of himself more and finding/discovering what he truly wants for himself, his style of commentary, the channel, and the community. 

No one wants to get in the way of that. not 1, not 2, no one here wants to legit do that because we all so so deeply care about him. he brought us so much happiness, friendships, friggin several couples proposed in front of him over the years cause he indirectly helped them find love. we care about jack so much, that as a community we’re trying our best to give him the best atmosphere to change. but it’s a big community, so of course people have different ways of doing so.

we love him fiercely, so we either protect fiercely or we speak up fiercely. and then the whole tag is on fire. you’re on fire. you try pouring comforting pics on it oh no that was gasoline help-

people want to help jack and the channel/community through feedback; if something is felt to be wrong by a person, they’d want to let the captain know that something’s amiss and how/why it is and if they can fix it.

people want to help jack and the channel/community by protecting/managing it; if we dont want to sink the ship, we have to keep up and remember the duties as a member what we should be doing so that if we see a hurricane coming, we can deal with it the best without getting the ship damaged.

both are good, you can’t have one without the other. without proper management the ship will sink, but if there’s a solution outside of protocol it should be considered. if the new idea/solution/feedback is faulty enough that it would put us at even greater peril, the rules serve as a guide of judgement in doing what’s best for the ship.

no one side is right on its own. if there’s no way of feedback or communication to the captain, or anarchy is assumed among the members and the captain is overthrown, the ship will sink.

cooperation is key. nothing is black and white, its gray and our relationship with jack is a conversation. 

agree or disagree, we need to not dismiss one in favor of ourself, we need to listen, be open, and use other’s ideas (whether good or bad, evil or rightous, selfish or selfless, or just plain neutral) in forming our own and vice versa, creating a cycle of healthy conversation rather than attacking or defending blindly. 

and as well, the captain has had years of hard work, dedication, knowledge, and experience to get to his position. and ultimately it is Jack who is the one to decide how to run this ship. there can be members whose feedback is unjustified, or even hate-filled. there can be members who feel a one particular way is the right one over all else . but Jack is the one who chooses what to take into himself and the channel. does he think this feedback is valid? he’s open to taking it into consideration. does he disagree with it? that’s ok too, he still decides what he’ll take from it, good or bad, and move on.

experiencing things, toxic or healthy, we as individuals have the power to choose what to take in, not take in, and how we proceed with the information we take in. the actions of others have no rule over you, you rule over yourself. you choose what to take in and how. if we restrain ourselves/others, or protect ourselves/others, from this, then that right to choose is taken away before we even get a chance to choose. we just become isolated and very very, very alone.

tl;dr: TALK, FOR THE LOVE OF ANALOGIES AND GOD AND EVERYONE, JUST TALK CIVILLY AND NORMALLY WITH EACH OTHER. WE’RE ADULTS. JACK IS AN ADULT. CONVERSATE. NO ONE IS PROBLEMATIC AND NO ONE IS UNPROBLEMATIC. WE’RE ALL HUMAN, WE’RE ALL GRAY. WE ALL LOVE JACK WE ALL LOVE THIS COMMUNITY AND WE’RE ALL SO VERY GRAY AND SO SO SO COMPLEX AND HUMAN. SO PLEASE, P L E A S E

why dont you just talk to each other....

[caixxa]

11, 20, 27

Sorry I slept the night before answering!

11. do you listen to music when writing?

Very rarely but music inspires me! I listen to it more in the planning phase and for inspiration and ideas, but there are some fics that I have written listening to certain songs.

20. favorite character to write

I’d be lying if I didn’t say Sebastian Aho because - well, just take a look at my works list on ao3. Rod Brind’Amour has also been a real treat to write lately.

27. best review you ever got

Every comment is a diamond and makes me so happy! It’s impossible to choose but I WANT to share some amazing ones, now that you gave me a chance.

(This gets long. Sorry.)

1. A regular commenter yelling at me for chapter 6 of My Fair Lad II: The odd --couple:

--

hOLY MOTHERFUCK

I REALLY WANT TO KICK YOUR ASS FOR DOING THIS TO ME YOU CANNOT TREAT ME LIKE THIS. IM GOINg to cry what the fuc k???first of all im going to be nice and tell you that it was completely understandable the way you separated the two timelines and that i loved rooney being there in the end.

now im going to rant because this is unacceptable. how can you end a chapter like that?? I am never going to understand cliffhangers. See I know this is exactly the reaction you were probably expecting but I need you to understand that doing things like that ^ really do make me go crazy as you can probably see in the coming sentences. AND HOW DARE YOU MAKE CRIS DO SUCH A THING TO MY BABY? i really dont know why im yelling at you im really sorry I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM IM SORRY AGAIN. but like?? why would you do this to me how could you? My eyes teared up i swear to god my heart hurts. I knew from the second he mildly forced him to take the first jello shot that this was going to escalate. AND I WAS RIGHT. you just had to include the coke right I knew this was going to hurt me but I still kept reading im such a slut for balenaldo. people forcing others to try things they dont want to just because they have some sort of effect on said person is something i cannot stand and you made me hate cris a bit and he just posted on instagram and i was legit about to block him until i remembered that this is fiction and im such a fucking dumb girl like ??? dear god help me please. ANYWAY, still cant believe what i read and im probably going to read it a couple of times again just to grasp what the fuck is happening because right now my mind is just screaming at that cliffhanger. Okay so im pretty sure i know what happens but im still not over it. If someone got a picture of them making out this will be the death of me. You're not ever allowed to stop writing im going to write a law that says: "anyone who stops writing a fic in the middle of an important period in that fic will get fined". (that was a shity joke you're allowed to do whatever the fuck you want of course but im hopig you feel some sort of pity for me and keep going for the sake of my mental health). Also this is such a shitty comment, it's not even plain shit, its so bad its like diarrhea + donald trump + our loss to valencia yesterday. as you can see this is where i come to scream

im going to forgive you of course because this was one amazingly fantastic piece of fiction and my life has become better because of it (also im still mad but i love you). LISTEN EVEN THOUGH I SOUND PISSED IM REALLY NOT (okay maybe a little bit) BUT THIS WAS SO PAINFUL AND HOT AND i cant think of more words but thank you so much and im sorry for yeling at you i love you im sorry im sorry im sorry

--

2. being compared to our fucking outstanding national composer is a guaranteed way to make a Finn scream for hours (Jussi at Jussi’s):

Oh this was soooo good. I'm so glad you mentioned it, as it's not a pair I would have chosen to read, but I really, really enjoyed it.

Your language was really beautiful, very evocative and lyrical. My subconscious was probably working overtime on the national connections but reading this reminded me of listening to Sibelius - both able to say a lot by use of silence and quietness (and I realise that probably makes no sense because I'm trying to describe a nebulous gut feeling).

Oh and the sex was hot!

The bit you referenced to me did make me grin a lot, but I loved all of this! Thanks again for highlighting, I need to stop being so choosy about pairs

3. Something so Finnish it warms my heart every time I remember it (Jussi Jussilla, the finnish version)¨

Ainoa mikä tästä puuttuu on sääsket :D

(the only thing missing are mosquitoes, haha true!!)

--

But seriously there are SO MANY more, this is just some that have stuck in my mind for a long time, some for years :)

Thank you for the ask! asks for fanfic writers - go ahead, I’ll gladly answer more

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!