#life is busy motivation left me but i finally updated this

[miniscule-meow]

Charlie and Felix: Bad Decisions

The long awaited follow-up to Bad Times

Writing Masterpost is Here

Extra long chapter (about 4.5k) I thought about splitting it into two but decided to go ahead and post the whole thing because I felt bad about how long it took me to write this

Warnings: Blood Mention, Alcohol, Some Language

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For the first time since the beginning of the semester, they don’t sit next to each other in class. The room isn’t a huge lecture hall, but there are still plenty of open seats. Charlie sits off to the side, a little closer to the front than her normal spot next to Felix. She doesn’t turn around to check if he’s there, as far as she knows, he might have skipped the class today. The minutes drag along, the lecture seems extra boring without her friend sitting next to her. She knows that they probably just need to talk it out, and everything could be fine again. But honestly, she doesn’t really feel like doing that right now. He took all of her trust and threw it right back in her face. She’s allowed to be upset about that. Not that he even cares. If he didn’t want to be friends with her anymore, he could have just said that. But whatever, no time to think about dumb boys, she tries to focus on the boring lecture instead.

It goes on like this all week, they just mutually pretend that the other one doesn’t exist. Today, once class is over Charlie takes her sweet time packing up her stuff at the end of class. Usually, she would go get lunch with Felix after this class, but that’s obviously not going to happen right now.

“Hey Charlotte!” She turns and finds a girl standing next to her. They have… never really spoken, it takes her a moment to place a name with the face before her. She thinks it’s Madison. She was in her group at the first day orientation for transfer students, but aside from that they haven’t really spoken much. “Not to be, like, nosey or anything, but did you and Felix break up?”

“Um. We weren’t dating.” Charlie says, uncomfortably shifting her backpack onto her shoulders.

“What? Totally thought you were. Huh. But, so like, you’re fighting then, right? You haven’t sat next to each other all week”

“Why do you care?” Charlie raises an eyebrow.

“You totally are. ‘OMG’ Did he go total werewolf on you?” Charlie is briefly taken aback by her saying ‘oh em gee’ out loud in real life, it takes everything in her to not make a face at that. “It was a full moon recently you know and I-”

“No. no, no,” Charlie cuts her off, definitely making faces now, “I’m not going to listen to your stupid conspiracy theories. He’s not a werewolf, okay? He’s just a dumb boy. That’s it. I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Oh. Well, I’m sorry. I mean, you two have been inseparable like… the whole year and now...” She shrugs. “Nikki totally thought you were being mind controlled to hang out with him.”

“Yeah. Okay, I’m walking away now.” Charlie turns to leave.

“I told her that was stupid!” Madison calls after her.

“Okay, bye.” Charlie waves as she walks off, thankful to escape that conversation before she was asked if Felix has scales or something. Great. Apparently, some people still have time to be curious about her stupid personal life drama. She doesn’t get why everyone is so curious about Felix. He tries to keep to himself, but everyone seems to want to insert themselves in his business. There is that picture of him floating around, but it’s super blurry and you can’t really tell that it's him, or that he’s gigantic. But ever since then everyone just seems to have their own version of who -or what- Felix really is. She guesses it makes sense that people would try to get information out of her, because Madison was right, her and Felix had been inseparable until recently.

“Charlotte, wait wait wait!” Madison runs after her. “I’m really sorry about your breakup and stuff. If you want, next weekend there’s going to be a huge party at Troy’s place. You should totally come. Meet some new people and stuff.” She hands Charlie a scrap of paper with an address on it. Then Madison stands there just long enough to make Charlie feel awkward, “Okay bye.” And with that, she flits off. Charlie looks at the note in her hands.

She’s never been invited to a party before. But thinking logically, there’s no way that would be any fun. Just a bunch of people shouting at her over music, asking her about Felix the whole time, drinking cheap beer, not studying for the finals that are right around the corner. She balls up the note and shoves it into her pocket.

Nothing changes the next week. Felix still hasn’t reached out to her, and she has stubbornly refused to reach out to him first. People mostly leave her alone, everything is relatively normal, if this is what normal has become. No friends, no fun, super normal. By the time the next weekend approaches, she finds herself seriously considering the party thing. She finds the crumpled note and smooths it out on her desk.

The night of the party rolls around, and she actually finds herself driving to the address, and parking a block down from the house. There are a LOT of cars on this street. Once she steps out of her truck she can already hear the dull thump of music and sound emanating from the house. She takes a deep breath before heading inside, determined to make some friends. She’s wearing her hair down, and she took care to pick an outfit that was both cute and comfortable. It’s a pair of overall shorts with a light long sleeve shirt underneath. That, paired with her black combat boots and some tall socks pushed down around the top of the boots. She wore her cutest bralette underneath for herself to help boost her confidence. She felt so cute she even took a selfie before she left. Here’s to new beginnings. It’s a little too cold outside for her outfit, so she grabbed a jacket before she left, but once she entered the house, she quickly ditched her jacket and pushed her sleeves up to her elbows.

It's loud and crowded. The people are packed into every room. Music is playing everywhere, and people are holding drinks, shouting over the music. She looks around. Some people glance her way, but she’s mostly ignored. She finds her way to the drinks.

“What is this?” She asks someone near a big container of a red liquid.

“Jungle Juice.” They shout back.

“What’s in it?”

“I don’t know. Everything?” They laugh and wander off. She’s sure there was something warning her about stuff like this in orientation. She pulls a mug out of an open cabinet and pours herself a glassful. It’s weird that they don’t have plastic cups? She always saw the stereotype of the red solo cups, but I guess they really like to play by their own rules here. Who is going to do all the dishes? What if something breaks? She shakes her head, this is why she doesn't get invited to parties. She just tries the drink already. Bleh. It’s strong to say the least, but... it’s relatively drinkable.

Several cups of jungle juice later she has flitted through several groups. Introductions, small talk, wander, repeat. There hasn’t been anyone she’s immediately clicked with like she had hoped. She joined a group playing a drinking game for a bit, which was fun, and got more fun the more drunk she became. Eventually, she finds herself sitting on the couch in the living room, the room twisting around her. Everything is just sounds and shapes. It's awesome, it's horrifying. Part of her thinks she’s had too much, and part of her is trying to reason why she should have just one more.

She pulls out her phone, it’s late. No notifications. No that's not true, she got a spam email for hot singles in the area, great. No real notifications at least, that is to say, nothing from Felix. She’s not surprised but she’s bummed. She can’t help but wonder what he's is doing right now. He would hate this party, she’s not sure if she hates this party or not. She should call him. She should absolutely not call him. Her phone is already ringing.

“Hello?” His voice answers. Oh my gosh he actually answered. She didn’t think he would answer. Why did she call him right now?

“...Hey.” She is immediately conscious of how she sounds so drunk. He must think she is so drunk. She is so drunk.

As she’s thinking that things couldn’t get any worse, fates twisted smile shines on her. Todd, resident bully, guy she’s pretty sure was in the fight with Felix the first day he actually talked to her Todd takes her phone, holding it away from her.

“Don’t drunk call boys that aren’t here sweetheart, pay attention to the ones that showed up.” He looks at the phone, laughing “Felix.” He reads quietly, looking at her once more, recognition sparking in his eyes. She stands, protesting and goes to grab for the phone. This would be easier if the room didn’t warble as she stood. To make matters more complicated Todd’s buddy, Drew comes from out of nowhere and slings an arm around her, holding her back. “Oh. Well, this is interesting.” He exchanges a glance with Drew. “You wouldn’t mind If I invited your boyfriend to the party, would you?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” is all she can think to say. He just laughs and holds the phone up to his ear. “He probably already hung up he-”

“Hey Lizard boy." What a stupid nickname, he isn't even a lizard or a werewolf or anything like that. "You still there? Yeah. No, no this is your buddy, Todd. Remember me?” Her stomach drops, he didn't hang up. Maybe he did but Todd is just bluffing. There’s a pause. She tries to interject, but Todd just holds out a finger her direction, and turns away. “What? Aw that’s cute she’s got a nickname. No, Charlie can’t come to the phone right now.” He speaks mockingly and shares a sly look with Drew. Him saying her nickname makes her feel wrong. “She’s a little preoccupied with my pal Drew. Hey, you two, keep it PG over there.” He winks at her; her cheeks burn and Drew just laughs.

“Hang up! That’s not funny!” She tries to get away from Drew to snag her phone back, but she has no luck.  

“Anyway, we’re at Troy’s place. I believe you and I have some unfinished business, if you want to come pick up your girl. Two birds, one stone, you know?”

“I’m not anybody’s ‘girl’ can you grow up?” She thinks that this would have been a cooler thing to say if she hadn’t slurred through half of her words.

“Yeah, yeah, that was her. I don’t know how she’s getting home, man. If you don’t pick her up, she could always stay with me. Plenty of room for two in my bed.” Him and Drew share another crude laugh at her embarrassment.

“No. No. Felix don’t come here. I’ll just uber or sober up soon I-” She’s certain that most of this is coherent. “He wouldn’t come pick me up guys, we’re not… He doesn’t even-” She’s being solidly ignored.

“What’s that? 20 minutes. Yeah. See you soon.” He tosses her phone back to her. She fumbles with it and ends up having to pick it up off the floor. Thankfully the screen is still intact, unlike her social life, and her sense of pride.

Todd and Drew finally get out of her space, but they stay in the living room, it has the best view of the door. The groups around the immediate area sneak glances they think she can’t see, and they’re all huddling talking and giggling. She sits back down on the couch and waits.

The door opens several times as people come and go, she holds her breath each time. Eventually, Felix steps in. She looks at him, wide eyed. He actually came. Why did he actually come here? He scans the party before his eyes lock on her. He looks pissed, and it makes her heart freeze. He stalks across the room with such intensity, shouldering through everyone in his way with ease. He stops in front of her, saying nothing but holding a hand out to her. He's inviting her to take his hand, but his irritated expression makes her faulter, and freeze in place.

“Hey lizard boy, looks like you made it after all.” Todd pipes up. The room is absolutely buzzing with electric energy.

“Come on. Let’s go.” Felix says down to her, breaking her from her frozen state. She realizes she doesn't want to piss him off any more than he already is. So she takes his hand. He helps her up, completely ignoring Todd.

“What? Leaving so soon? Stay awhile. Have some fun. I believe you and I need to finish up an old conversation we were having anyway.” Someone slings an arm around her shoulders, pulling her away from Felix. It’s probably Drew, Todd’s sidekick.

What happens next all moves so fast. One moment Felix and Todd are having a tense conversation, the kind you just know will end in a fight. The next moment, she’s tossed backwards. She stumbles back, catching herself on an end table and toppling the whole thing over. She manages to crash down with the table, a decorative lamp and several cups with varying amounts of liquids all smashing down on top of her. Shit. Her cute outfit is soaked in alcohol and whatever else it was mixed with. That’ll probably stain. She pushes herself up onto her hands and knees. This would all be so much easier if the room wasn’t spinning. She looks down at her stained outfit and briefly registers the cuts on her arms. Why did they think that using actual glass would be better than red solo cups?? Now they have to do a bunch of dishes AND they have to clean up a bunch of glass. Clearly this was not well thought out on their end.

By now, the music has stopped, and a circle has formed around the boys. There is a lot of shouting, everyone has their phone out. She pushes her way through the crowd to find Felix on top of Todd, just absolutely wailing on him. He’s landing blow after blow, before Drew comes up from behind him, his nose already bleeding, and he rips him back. The two of them struggle on the ground while Todd writhes in agony, trying to get back up.

“Felix! Stop! Stop!” She shouts, rushing forward. The two boys make their way to their feet, and Felix, having sustained several hits himself, shoves Drew back before she can get there. The crowd scrambles to part to avoid him. He slams against the wall, leaving a nice big dent in the drywall. Felix looks around the circle, and everything is still for a moment. He nods once before his gaze lands on her once more. He's not even gigantic, but just by looking at her it makes her feel no bigger that a gnat. He’s bleeding from his knuckles and a lot from his face, but he’s the only one standing so she supposes that’s a win? He steps forward, not offering a hand to her this time. Instead he pulls her tightly into him and promptly leads her out of the house. Everyone is staring. She quickly grabs her things as they leave.

She glances up at him once they get outside. It’s much quieter out here. Wait. He’s not normally taller than her, They’re roughly the same height, but now he’s at least a head taller than her.

“You’re taller.” He scowls at that, not responding otherwise. “Like… like holding a rubber band stretched open all day?” She recalls one conversation they had, where he compared it to that. He said if he were to try to maintain a height taller than his ‘normal’ height, it would be like trying to keep a rubber band stretched at the same distance all day long. She could imagine him trying to appear more intimidating in there by making himself larger. It also probably would make him stronger she guesses? Charlie doesn’t know how that works. Felix shakes his head slightly.

“Like trying to shove myself in a little box.” He whispers to her. Oh. He’s fighting it off. He’s trying to stay a normal height, but he can’t hold it back completely. That also makes sense. It seems to be triggered by intense emotions sometimes? Charlie also doesn’t know how that works. She knows very little about how his abilities work, she just knows that they exist.

“Oh,” is all she can think to say. “Um. Felix, I wanted to say. Um-”

“Keys.” Felix cuts off her thanks or apology or both, she honestly hadn’t decided yet. She realizes they’ve made it to her truck.

“But, wait. How did you get here if… How will you get your car-”

“Just give me your keys, Charlie.” He holds out his hand to her.

“Right. Sorry. Okay.” She digs through her bag, and after drunkenly fumbling through her belongings, she fishes out her keys and hands them over. He helps her into the passenger side of the truck. “Don’t um, don’t grow and break my truck, please.” It’s not really funny, but she laughs anyway. He just gives her some irritated side eye. They start down the road in silence. It's uncomfortably quiet, so she tries to fill the silence with some chatter. “So, uh I just wanted to tell you I-” He cuts her off again, this time reaching forward and turning up the radio. Message received, shut up Charlie. She sighs, and quietly leans against the window. She doesn’t try talking to him again, instead she focuses on a more important task, not throwing up.

They get back to his house, a decent looking barndominium- that is to say, basically a remodeled barn. It's in a secluded area, and it's got high ceilings, what more could a size shifter need. Felix steps out of the truck, immediately significantly taller than he should be. He fumbles with opening the door for her, his hands are an awkward size for the handle. He finally gets it open, and catches her as she half stumbles, half straight up falls, out of the truck.

“I’m gonna throw up.” She mumbles.

“For real?” He asks.

“For serious.” She nods. He sighs and forces himself to be a few inches shorter. He’s shaking with the exertion of keeping himself human sized, but he helps her inside, and leads her to the bathroom. “Oh jeez. I don’t want to puke in front of you. This is so embarrassing.” She’s sprawled on the floor, hovering over the toilet. He silently ties her hair back before just leaving the room as she revisits all the drinks and bad decisions that she made that night.

He leaves her be, going outside to finally stretch out. He grows to full height, sighing in relief. It gets easier to get this big every time he does it. It feels like he's unlocked something, and there's no going back now. He figures he has a few minutes alone while she’s in there throwing up. He can just sit like this for a moment and get it out of his system. He focuses on steadying his breathing. He should really clean up after Charlie is done in the bathroom. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror when he was in there and he is a bloody mess. All too soon, Charlie’s small voice reaches his ears.

“Felix.”

“Go back inside.” He huffs, not wanting her to see him gigantic and bloody and stressed.

“Yeah. I get it, you hate me, and you don’t want to talk to me, but-”

“Charlie. Just go back inside.” Not feeling up to unpacking that right now, he brings his hand down, gently ushering her back inside and blocking the door with his fingers.

“Can you just listen to me?!” She shouts, kicking at his fingertips, “I just need like, a first aid kit. Or maybe, I dunno, some bandages?” This gets his attention. He pulls his hand back, grimacing as she stumbles forwards.

“You’re hurt?”

“No, I just wanted to play Doctor!” She throws her arms up exasperated. He just looks down at her, brow furrowed. He looks annoyed or maybe concerned. He’s probably both, she’s both too drunk to discern the difference and too drunk care. “Not that you really care either way," she huffs. "It isn’t a huge deal I just, I fell back at the party, you were there but you might have been a little… distracted, and … yeah.” She gestures to her arms, having carefully rolled up the sleeves once more.

“Let me-” He whispers, already seeing the red staining her arms. He pauses for a moment like he’s trying to focus, but then he huffs, looking frustrated. She supposes he can’t shift back to normal just yet, another thing she doesn’t quite understand how it works. He moves over from his seated position to laying on his stomach. It’s kind of dizzying watching him move when he's that big. Just simple movements send vibrations through the earth around her. She swallows thickly, and can’t stop from taking a step back away from him as he settles before her. “Just let me see," he says gently. He props himself up on one arm, and reaches his other hand towards her slowly. She hesitates, but eventually she reaches out one of her arms and his gigantic fingertip comes to meet her.

Delicately, he pinches her wrist between his finger and thumb and pulls her arm out so he can get a better look. He leans forward, taking the scene in with wide eyes. He’s close enough for his breathing to ruffle her hair. Her heart pounds in her chest as he silently scans over her. His eyes rake over the cuts on her forearm, flicking over to see the same situation decorating her other arm. He only holds her there for a moment, but he is completely focused on her. She’s never felt more seen than right now. His eyes find their way to her face, she looks from his massive fingers holding her hand to finally bringing herself to meet his all-encompassing gaze. She thinks this is the first time he’s actually looked at her since he picked her up from the party. Or since their fight. It almost feels like it’s the first time anyone has ever really looked at her. Maybe it’s just because she’s drunk, hurt and relatively tiny. Like a bird with a broken wing, a mouse stuck in a glue trap. But, the way he looks at her, she doesn’t feel like a wounded animal he’s taking pity on. She feels like his whole world, at least for that one fleeting moment. He seems so captivated with her. She’s so insignificantly small, she could fit into the palm of his hand. And yet, he looks her over with such care and intense attention to detail it makes her feel like he can see each of her individual eyelashes.

“I'm sorry. you wouldn't have gotten hurt if I would have just-" he clenches his jaw, his expression turning dark and unreadable. Her pulse picks up, this is what he looked like before he decided to make it his mission to make her fear for her life. She pulls her arm back, it's still clamped solidly between his thumb and forefinger. That seems to get his attention. "Okay. Yeah.” He lets her go, withdrawing his hand. Part of her misses his warmth immediately, but another part of her is just relieved. He pushes his palms into the ground and returns to sitting, towering above her. “Just give me ten minutes and I’ll come in and help. Okay?”

“Alright,” she answers breathlessly before turning and going back inside. She sits on the floor in the bathroom, just trying not to bleed on anything important. She feels both better and worse since throwing up, mostly better though she thinks. The room still spins lazily around her as she waits. She is very aware of how cold and wet her clothes are. With sore arms she peels her shirt off, leaving her still wet overalls on, now with just a lace bralette underneath. At least her shirt isn’t sticking to her anymore. She’s still drunk and cold though. One step at a time she supposes.

Eventually, Felix comes back in, his normal height once more. He lays eyes on her for a beat before quickly averting his eyes with a quiet, "Oh Jeez." He digs through the bathroom drawers, setting out first aid supplies on the counter. “You, um. Why did you feel the need to take your shirt off?” He doesn’t look at her, but she can see in the mirror, he's blushing.

“Everything is wet and sticky, and cold. I spilled a lot of drinks on myself when I fell.” She says very matter-of-factly.

“Alright. Um. Okay.”

“I think I broke their lamp too. What kind of person has a house party but doesn’t invest in red solo cups. All the cups were glass. I broke so much glass. Why didn’t they think about that as a possibility. And besides, who is going to be stuck doing all those dishes? Cups aren't even expensive.” She shakes her head, looking up at Felix, his hands are braced on the counter, he’s focusing on the medical supplies, taking stock of what he has and definitely avoiding looking at her. “You can look at me, dude. I would probably wear this in public in like… the summertime. Maybe I’d put like a flannel on top of it. Different shoes. You don’t need to be so… scandalized.” She shrugs.

“Okay.” He nervously taps the counter a few times, she’s pretty sure he only spoke up so she would stop rambling. He takes a deep breath before continuing, “I just, you are very drunk and now you're removing... layers. I just don't want to make you... uncomfortable" he clears his throat. "Okay. Okay. Come here, let’s make sure you don’t still have glass in your arms.”

He bandages her up, taking care to rinse and disinfect the wounds. Her arms took the brunt of the damage, but she has some scrapes on her knees as well. She rambles as he works, and when he doesn’t respond she rambles some more, her words slurring into one another. As he bandages her first arm, she mostly just does a lot of apologizing. ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘This is embarrassing, I’m sorry.’ Just looping. Felix responds once or twice with something resembling ‘it’s fine’ or ‘you’re okay.’ But once it’s clear that she’s still going, he just lets her talk. It’s when he switches to work on the second arm that she takes a big breath and starts really getting into it.

“I guess I kind of ruined your night, huh? You probably had better things to do with your Friday. I’m sorry. I know you wanted me to just leave you alone. I'm... I'm still mad at you by the way. So, I promise, I will leave as soon as I'm sober, and we can go back to pretending that we’ve never met. I know that you don’t want to be my friend anymore and stuff. So, that’s why I went to the party in the first place. I thought that I could meet someone cool and make new friends and stuff. That obviously didn’t happen.  Lesson learned though, and I probably won’t be making that mistake again. I know it sounds super lame, but you were my only friend. I don’t mean to say that to be like ‘oh feel bad for me and be my friend again.’ I don’t mean it like that, it’s just… how it is. I just, I don’t know. I guess I just wish I knew what I did to make you not like me anymore. I just- Gah, I’m such a loser.” She is just noticing the tears streaming down her face. She uses her free hand to attempt to wipe them away. “This is so embarrassing. I’m sorry. Forget I said any of that. I'm mad at you." He lets go of her other arm. She finds her way to the floor, leaning against the cabinets and she buries her face in her hands.

“Charlie. I don’t hate you.” He sits on the floor beside her. “I never hated you. I have just been a really, really bad friend to you. I'm sorry."

“Yeah.” She sniffles. Dropping her hands into her lap. “Why did you want to do that?”

“It’s dumb.” He sighs, “I just. I'm not used to getting that big. My classmates always said I had a useless power and... Anyway I have to go back to the academy for the summer and I just. It's kind of really complicated, but I took some shit out on you and... You don't deserve that. I'm sorry. I understand if you want to pretend like you never met me."

Charlie looks at him for a long while before she leans into him, wrapping her freshly bandaged arms around him and burying her face in his shoulder.

“I missed you.” She mumbles into him.

He sets her up to sleep on the couch, but first he gives her some clean, dry clothes to wear. He sets a glass of water and some aspirin on the coffee table in front of her for the inevitable hangover she will have in the morning.

“I missed you too.” He says resting his cheek against her head.

[gojoluvs]

Forever yours.

Chapter 1

⤿ Satoru Gojo × reader

The only reason why you even agreed to marry him was for your father. Now you wish you could go back in time and reject the offer.

Warning/ tags; angst, profanity, smoking, cursing, smut, cheating.

Genre; angst, cheating, infidelity, jik, Gojou × reader

Notes: the tag-list is open if you'd like to be mentioned everytime i update just send me a message.

5k words

next chapter

Everyone tried to convice you this was for the best.

Your mothers eyes were filled with tears when you finally agreed to marry the one and only Satoru Gojo. Satoru was a famous CEO due to his success in transforming his company into a global powerhouse. He was known for his innovative approach to business, his strategic planning, and his ability to motivate and inspire his employees. He was also known for his commitment to social responsibility, as he was dedicated to giving back to the community and helping those in need.

At least that’s what the papers said. Father was adamant that you marry Satoru, telling you that it would be beneficial to both you and the family business. He argued that Satoru was of a good family and would help to strengthen our connections, as well as help to grow our business.

Despite your reluctance, he convinced you that this was the best course of action. Saying that it was good for both you and the business you were going to inherit after your father died. That was 3 months ago before your father had died of lung cancer.

Now you were watching how Satoru’s eyes had zero emotion at all the whole time you said your marriage vows. The room felt so empty despite all the people who came to attend this sorry of a wedding. You knew this was the last time you’d ever be free, free to love the only man you could.

Toji watched from afar as his lover got married to his business rival. You felt empty and hollow on your wedding day, as if you was just going through the motions. Despite being surrounded by family and friends, you couldn't shake the feeling of being trapped in an arranged marriage. There was a nagging sense of disappointment that you weren’t marrying someone you truly loved, and that you were settling for someone who had been chosen for me.

As you walked down the aisle towards your arranged husband, you saw your true love standing in the crowd watching you. Your heart ached as you realized you were making a lifelong commitment to someone else.

Tears welled up in your eyes, knowing that you could never be with the one you truly loved. You stood in front of the altar, your heart pounding in your chest, you felt a chill run down your spine as he slipped the cold metal ring onto my finger.

You had just entered into an arranged marriage, and the ring was a symbol of the commitment you were making. You felt both disappointed and anxious for the future that lay ahead.

Tears were streaming down your face as you watched your lover walk away from the wedding. You had just married someone you didn't love, in an arranged marriage, and it felt like your heart was shattering.

Wanting nothing more than to run after him and tell them that you still loved him, but you knew that it was impossible. The moment felt like it would last forever, and you were left standing there, feeling helpless and alone.

“I pronounce you husband and wife, you may now kiss the bride.” Seeing the white haired males blue eyes stare into yours made you feel helpless.

You felt the kiss, but there was no spark, no feeling of love or appreciation. It was a cold and empty kiss, a reminder that this was not a marriage of love, but a marriage of convenience. You knew that you were expected to make this marriage work, and so you put on a brave face and tried to enjoy the moment.

People said that marriage was a beautiful moment in life. Your mother told you that when she got married to your father she felt nothing but happiness and joyful. This was the complete opposite.

Standing in front of everyone interlocking fingers with your now husband felt numb. Everything felt numb, your face felt numb, your lips, your hands, your whole entire body felt numb. This was the feeling of regret you thought. You regretted marrying this white haired male because he ruined your only chance of marrying Toji.

Your vows meant nothing today and you both knew it because the whole time the priest stood there you felt absolutely zero love in the altar. Not feeling an ounce of anything towards Satoru.

Holding your bouquet you smiled at your mother giving her the fakest smile you could ever give anyone. Satoru knew that this marriage was doomed to fail no matter what you both did. He was in love with another woman and you were in love with another man.

My mother hugged you tightly after you got married, her eyes brimming with pride and joy. You wanted to feel the same, to be happy and excited, but you couldn't.

Knowing this was an arranged marriage, and you felt no connection or love to the man you had just married. Seeing everyone congratulate you made you feel even more like shit.

Telling you what to wear to the honeymoon, or telling you how their life completely changed when they got married made you want to throw up.

The anxiety creeping up, clenching your fists all you could do was nod and thank them for coming to the wedding. Everyone was in love with your Vivian Westwood wedding dress your best friend had helped you pick out. The only one who genuinely gave you a hug was Mei.

Not because she was happy you got married or because she was congratulating you but because she knew what was going on. Mei was the only close friend you had left. She was the only one who recognized the fact that you didn’t want to marry Gojo at all. She even met Toji once and said you were both perfect for eachother.

Feeling her warm hands wrap around your cold body you let out a small sob.

“I don’t want to Mei, please” Sobbing louder you muffled your sounds on her shoulder. Running your back all she could do was promise you that she would do something about it.

Not knowing what to do you smiled at her. Grabbing her hand you placed it on your cheek. Thanking her for being such a great and amazing friend.

Seeing Toji next in line broke your heart. Feeling a pang of pain in your chest you let out a small and quiet sigh. “Toji..” seeing his tired eyes you hugged him so hard. Smelling his familiar cologne that you would fall asleep with. Smelling all the memories you both have together.

Tears welled up on your eyes. Seeing his gentle smile, you smiled back. You loved Toji so much you were planning on getting married to him and having so many kids. He loved you so much and you knew it too. It was fate who screwed things up with you two. After telling him about the marriage you had to forcefully break this off with him. Ever since feeling zero emotions when you came home from that days

“You look beautiful.” Caressing your cheek you grabbed his hand. Clasping both your hands on his arms you pulled yourself closer to him. Not caring if people were wondering why you were so close to the random male.

Seeing you in a wedding dress with another male in the alter broke Tojis heart. He knew he had to let go because eventually things were going to end.

Your family not being happy with the fact you were dating the Toji Zen’in. He already received threats from your father to break up with you but despite everything he still stayed because that’s how much Toji truly loved you.

“I love you, forever.” Kissing your forehead he caressed your hair. Tucking a lose strand of hair you slightly giggled. “Take care of yourself okay?” Was the last words he ever told you before he left.

Toji didn’t stay for the after party, he never came back in fact. Everyone gifting you beautiful pieces of kitchen utensils or sets of pijamas for your honeymoon. Thanking everyone who came to the party you sat by yourself in the restroom.

Rethinking everything, the only reason you said yes to this stupid marriage was because your father was already on his death bed when he asked you one last time.

Seeing him suffer all he wanted to do was see you marry to a successful young man he choose. Loving your dad so much was the cause of this terrible marriage. You didn’t want to go back to the party because you knew that if you did everyone would bombard you of questions on how you met Satoru and how you fell in love.

All you wanted to do was call Toji, no. All you wanted was to have your old life back. Your life with Toji. Not your life with Satoru because you both knew this marriage had no love at all.

Crying you didn’t care if you messed up your wedding makeup. This was the worst day ever for you. You felt like your world was coming down and crushing on you.

Walking back to the party you felt tired and cold. You just wanted this dumb party to end already. Wanting to go to sleep because sleep is the only way you could escape from the harsh reality.

“Can Mrs. Gojo come out? Hubbys waiting on the dance floor!” The DJ said with enthusiasm lacing through his loud voice. Waking towards the middle of the room Satoru was already waiting for you.

His hands deep in his pockets until he saw you, taking his hand out and extending it towards you. Grasping his arm you placed on of your arms on his shoulder and the other one Inter winded with his.

Slow dancing to one of the songs your father choose was making you want to die. Seeing how Satoru avoided all type of communication with you reminding you how much he also didn’t want to marry you. At least you both were on the same page you thought.

His hand gripped your waist, following his eyes you noticed the beautiful black haired Female watching with broken eyes. Satoru’s eyes shined with love when he saw her. She was absolutely beautiful as well.

Knowing that you were the reason she was suffering and hurting made you want to throw up here and now. You should’ve just said no. You both would’ve not suffered if you had said no instead of yes.

When Satoru’s eyes flickered towards you all you could see was regret and hatred towards you. Your eyes widened seeing how much hatred flowed on his eyes. Satoru hated you for making you marry him, not being able to marry his true love.

The women who you assumed was named Jiyuu stared at the newly wed couple dance. Her eyes filling with tears when Satoru turned his back towards her. Despite his hatred he had to act like a proper husband in public at least. Not wanting his reputation to end in a bad way he twirled you around before dipping you.

Finally the dumb song ended.

Pulling you back up the Dj taunted, “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” Both looking at each-other with disgust you felt his cold and numb lips touch yours. You felt like you were in a trance, not really aware of your surroundings. You had gone through with the wedding despite your doubts because it seemed like the most practical option.

You had gone into this marriage knowing that you would probably never feel a real connection with your husband, and yet here you were, standing in front of everyone, exchanging a kiss. Looking at eachother you both faked smiled, hugging him before separating.

Walking towards Mei, you sat down next to her. Introducing yourself to Satoru’s friends. Suguru seemed the closets with Gojo more than anyone. Mei was also a friend of Sugurus but an acquaintance for Gojo.

Kento was more of a business partner of Gojos than a friend, at least that’s what he said. “Nice to meet you all, I’m Y/N” smiling you fidgeted with your wedding dress.

Suguru took a drink of his beer, giving you a small tip on what to do with Satoru because he was difficult most times. “Already drinking without me huh?” Grabbing a beer Satoru opened it with his Mercedes Ben key. Winking at Suguru while opening he let out a small chuckle.

“How’s it going with her?” Glancing at you Suguru gazed back to Satoru.

"It's fine," Satoru said, not looking up. He took another sip of his drink, hoping it would give him the numbing effect he was looking for.

Suguru sighed and said, "You don't have to do this. We can still find a way out." Satoru shook his head, not wanting to hear what Suguru had to say. He knew the reality and he had to accept it.

Satoru was taken aback by the sudden appearance of his former lover. She offered him her congratulations, but there was a hint of sadness in her eyes. It was clear that she had still been holding out hope that he would choose her, not you. Satoru could only look away, unable to find the words to respond.

“Thanks Jiyuu,” giving her a small hug he excused himself from the scene not wanting to see his lover’s disappointed face.

Satoru felt heartbroken and defeated. He had worked so hard to be with the woman he loved, but all of his efforts had been in vain.

He felt like a part of him had been taken away and he was overwhelmed by a deep sense of loss and sadness. Marrying you was a mistake and he felt miserable and he swore to himself we was going to make you feel miserable as well.

Before you knew it you were already back in your now husbands mansion. You walked into the unfamiliar home, my heart feeling heavy and my steps dragging. This was your new home, the one you were to share with your arranged husband.

The emptiness in the air seemed to fill the room, and you could not help but feel a sense of loneliness and dread. You were about to embark on a new life, not knowing if you were ready for this. Walking inside you felt the same familiar coldness. Right, this wasn’t coldness no this was regret. Carrying your luggage Satoru set it down.

“Unpack and organize your shit I don’t want it bothering me.” Grabbing his phone he dialed a random number stepping out of the room to go talk to another person. Walking to the restroom it was huge.

Seeing the beautiful clear shower and the huge bathtub right next to it. Undressing yourself you set the temperature of the shower to be hot. Showering with hot water you tried getting rid of the cold feeling you had running all over your body. Feeling still cold you felt irritated.

Closing your eyes all you could think of was running the business with Satoru. Would you two work together? Or would he just take all your bit of authority you had. Applying shampoo on to your head you messaged your scalp. Feeling the relaxing feeling of your hands running through your hair you let out a small sigh.

You felt dirty after the wedding. Everything felt long and unnecessary. Next week was your honeymoon with him. Not wanting to think what was going to happen you closed your eyes. The only image that happened to pop up in your head was Toji. You no longer had his number, your mother giving you a new phone so you could start your “new life” fresh. You missed him badly.

Scrubbing your body twice with your loofa you finally got out of the shower. Wrapping your towel around your body you grabbed an extra one drying your hair.

Entering the room you were surprised to see all your luggage missing but your belongings were already organized. Confused you peaked her head outside to door to try and find the culprit. Satoru was still outside calling whoever he was. Seeing a small lady walk by you called to her.

“Hey miss! Where you the one who organized my things?” Her small figure walked towards you.

Seeing her in a black apron and a very formal outfit you assumed she did. “Yes im sorry for not introducing myself Mrs Gojou,” bowing she stood up.

“My name is Hana I am one of Mr Gojos helper’s”confused you said thank you before heading back to change. At least the lady was nice enough to color sort everything too.

Grabbing your phone you were surprised to see the amount of followers you had immediately gained on instagram. 300k?! Already? You pursed your lips.

Walking back into your room Satoru’s eyes were blood shot red. It looked like he had just got done crying. Seeing you he scoffed, “Shouldn’t you put some clothes on, or are you trying to get me to sleep with you like the whore you are.”

Feeling your throat dry you couldn’t say anything back. You knew he hated you but this much? You didn’t think it was this much hatred. You gasped in shock.

You had no idea what to say in response. You had done nothing wrong, yet he seemed to think you were trying to seduce him. You felt embarrassed and violated, as if he had violated your dignity. You could feel your face turn bright red with anger and shame.

“Huh?” Staring at him your eyes widened to see his disgusted face.

He had a scowl all over his face, it felt like when you had gotten rejected in middle school by your crush except this was 10x worse. Furrowing your eyebrows you quickly changed into something. Walking towards Satoru who had moved into the living room you angrily scurried towards him.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, you have no right to call me that.” Standing in front of him you said with anger lacing through your voice.

Satoru stood up his blue eyes basically staring into your soul. “You’re a fucking attention seeking slut. Making your daddy to get me to marry a privileged women like you. Pathetic.” He spat, his word hurting you even more.

“Stop acting like your the only one hurt in this fucking marriage. I lost someone I loved too.” Tears fell down your cheeks.

Scoffing Satoru grabbed you by the wrist pulling you in. “You did this yourself face the consequences. Not my fault you begged your father to marry me.”

Before you knew it your hand had slapped him.

He looked at you with shock, his hand quickly coming up to cover the red mark that was starting to form on his face. You could feel your heart pounding in your chest as you backed away, unsure of what he was going to do next.

He stayed silent for a few moments before he started to laugh, a deep and rumbling laugh that filled the room. He opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, you had already turned and run away, tears streaming down your face.

You could hear him shouting something after you, but you didn't care. Slamming your bedroom door you grabbed your phone.

If you knew you were getting married to a prick like him you would’ve immediately said no. This was the man you left Toji for. Opening the messages app you tried contacting Toji but to your demise he didn’t pick up. Seeing the time it was already 2am.

You laid in his bed, tears streaming down your face, as you tried to process all that had happened. Feeling overwhelmed by the events of the day, and you had nowhere to turn for comfort. You felt alone and scared, but you knew you had to find the strength to keep going.

Feeling overwhelmed and frustrated as you cried, not knowing how to move forward. You had made the mistake of marrying Satoru Gojou, and now your future seemed uncertain and bleak. You felt like you were stuck in a cycle of misery, not knowing what to do or how to break free from it.

All you wanted to do was fulfill your fathers last wishes but look where it got you. It got you married to a miserable man who doesn’t even care about what you feel or think.

You knew he had a big ego but you didn’t think his ego was big enough to hurt your own. His words were so hurtful it even had you crying on your wedding night.

You knew this was the worst day you ever had because of that man. The man who would forever cause problems in your life because of this marriage. The white haired male who stopped you from ever finding happiness again.

All you wanted to do was go back in that and plead your father to change his wish. Who cares if the business wasn’t as big as it is now because of Gojo you will forever hate him. He was a wretched and horrible husband to you. Knowing that you have to give an heir to his family makes you want to throw yourself off a bridge.

Even the thought of him kissing already has you nauseating you didn’t even want to think when you have to produce a heir sooner or later.

You just wanted to go back to your old life, your old life back home with your friends and especially with your lover. You missed his muscular and warm arms wrapped around your body.

You missed his warmth. Now without him you feel like your almost dying of cold everyday without his body heat. Now you feel alone and empty im this cruel place.

You knew this marriage was going to be the worst thing that has ever happened to you. This marriage is doomed to fail one way or another. You will never fall for this mean and cold husband of yours.

You forbid yourself from ever falling in love with someone who isn’t him because he’s the only male in your life you need. The loneliness was unbearable as tears streamed down your face. You lie in bed at night, missing him and wishing you could be with him.

But you’re trapped in this marriage, a relationship where love and kindness do not exist. You think of all the times you shared together, the conversations, the laughter, and the love you shared. You long for the day when you can be with him again, free from this cruel and loveless marriage.

You had yearned for a love of your own choosing, but instead you were stuck in a loveless marriage filled with pain and misery. Wishing that you could turn back the hands of time and have the courage to follow your heart, but instead you were doomed to a life of unhappiness.

[placeinthemiddleofnowhere]

Reign down on me - Part 2

Pairing: Ghost x Hybrid!reader (eventual poly!141)

No use of y/n or mention of gender/race

Summary: Reader is a wolf hybrid in a world that treats them like second class citizens, given a horrible start in life after being thrown into the military with no preparation. After years of struggle, they're finally taken away from their base by Ghost, now a permanent member of taskforce 141 reader struggles to come to terms with the fact that perhaps there's a life there for them - if only they reach out and accept it.

Warnings: hurt/comfort, Angst, abuse mentions, self doubt

A/N: This is a bit of a short update, but I wanted to get something out for the people that were asking for it! Enjoy 💕

-🐺-

You were embarrassed as soon as the realisation hit you, but by the time you’d had a decent rest and something to eat, you were feeling a lot more even footed. You were standing at the precipice of your new posting with anticipation, ready and waiting at the front door of Ghost’s house, eagerly listening out for him to come out of his room and take you to the new base. 

Ghost had knocked on your door earlier that morning just a little while after the sun had risen. He was still donning his skull balaclava and dressed similarly to the night before, though he had seemed to have changed sine. His eyes widened a fraction once he looked in and saw you, a flicker of surprise crossing what little you saw of his features when he saw you sitting awake on your freshly made bed. 

“Earlier riser. Not a nest builder then?” he’d noted.

You struggled to remember the last time you’d made a blanket nest, you could barely recall how to build one. That was one of the first things that’d been beaten straight out of you after being left at the barracks, leaving your ‘bed’ in any other state than bare with folded up sheets was an immediate punishment. 

“I’m not a child,” you muttered.

You were determined not to get emotional that day. Set against becoming the mushy tempered little pup you’d been the day before and instead behave like the soldier you were. That way, you figured, he might treat you the way he was supposed to as well. No more surprises, just business as usual.

However you were met with shock again when he’d led you away from bed and pointed at the table you’d sat at the night before. At what was apparently now your seat, there was a steaming  styrofoam box with bacon, eggs, toast and beans cooked to perfection and ready for you to eat. The scent was rolling through the air and rushing into your system, overwhelming you as you took an unsure stoop into your chair. 

“For me?” you asked, making sure to confirm before picking up the fork and knife laid out. 

“Yeah, Price ordered out for us. You’ve got a big day ahead, and he wants you on top form. And apparently I can’t be trusted to sort breakfast,” he said, scoffing at that last part. “Eat up and get ready. I’ll get you at the door in an hour.”

You breathed out a sigh, already not sure what to make of getting such a lavish breakfast, but there was nothing for it. If your new Captain had specifically requested you eat the feast in front of you, then you’d scarf down every last bit of it. Your stomach baulked at the idea of having so much in the morning when you were used to very little, but you ate it all while Ghost busied himself with the dishes from the night before behind you. Apparently he was intent on filling the air with a clattering clanging orchestra.

By the end of your meal, you’d figured that breakfast had to be one of the best you’d ever had, but with good food comes a heavy stomach and it turned you sluggish. It made for a struggle to find your motivation to go to the bathroom and get ready. However you bullied yourself into getting through it, your mental drill sergeant forcing you along until you ended up at the door fully dressed and in your usual black cargos and white T-shirt, tail swishing in anticipation for Ghost.

Your boots were still a bit damp from being in the rain all day before, but you were sure that with whatever Price had planned they’d be smelling like old cheese either way. It didn’t stop your nose wrinkling any less though. 

“Do you not have another pair of boots?” Ghost groused, looking you up and down while his heavy steps came thudding up to the door. 

He was all wrapped up in his big black jacket. He looked a lot warmer than you did standing there holding off the shakes, but you knew better than to complain. Plus your belly was full of meat and carbs so it helped your body fend off the morning chill. 

“We only get issued one set,” you said, looking down at your sodden feet, “I can try to clean them off a bit more, but I figured it would just waste time and make them wetter.”

“Well that’s changing today. You can’t walk around in wet shoes like that, we’re not in world war one,” he grunted. “What else do you need?”

You frowned at him, tilting your head at the question. Why would you need anything else?

“What else would I need?” you asked earnestly, hoping he wouldn’t get annoyed at the stupid question. 

“Your bag wasn’t very big and those clothes you were wearing last night were falling to bits. You’ve clearly been sewing them a lot, and not very well,” he laughed. “Tell me what you need and I’ll send for it.”

“I…” you tried to think of something, anything just to avoid looking like an idiot, but you couldn’t. “I’m sorry, I don’t know. I have all the things I’m required to have.”

Your ears folded down, your body was bracing and ready for him to shout at you, instincts winning over your pride. It was bad enough you weren’t able to answer his question, but you’d pretty much disagreed with him as well just by saying you had what you needed. A rookie move, you thought as you admonished yourself.

“Can I see what you brought with you?” Ghost asked, his voice so quiet under the muffling of his mask material. 

You bit your lip and nodded, still waiting for the roaring thunder of shouts to begin and start beating against the walls. Instead he just moved his body to the side and motioned for you to go back to your room. You were forced to pass by him, shrugging your shoulders into your neck in anticipation of a grab. Every little creak across the wood felt like a prelude to some larger sound or maybe even a smack, but you were shocked to find that none of what you imagined came to pass. 

Once you’d reached your little chest of drawers, you were worked up to hell. There was blood rushing fast in your ears, a river running through your head and you were having to hold your breath just to keep your chest from convulsing. Ghost wouldn’t have noticed your breathing anyway though, while you panicked and waited for him to finally show his anger, he opened your drawers and revealed the barren interiors inside, closing each one with a heavy thunk and a dissatisfied tisk.

“Really, pup, is this all you have?” Ghost sighed, ending his search at the last drawer.

It contained two other pairs of black cargos and your sweats that you’d been wearing the night before. You looked down at it with glassy eyes and then back at Ghost, still waiting for your scolding. Waiting for him to rise up from his crouch and tower over you again. 

“Three pairs of trousers, five T-shirts, underwear for the week, and a set of bedclothes,” you listed, trying to keep a hold of yourself. “Plus a sewing kit. That’s what the rules say we need to have. Is there a different regulation here, sir?”

Ghost put his head in his hands for a moment and you pursed your lips, readying yourself for an explosion. Your toes curled and your claws dug into your palms, every fibre of your body was poised for an attack that you had to let happen. There was no way you were going to start the morning off badly with defying your handler on your first official day afterall. 

“You should have more than this,” Ghost finally said, his voice an even rumble as always. “You’ve served for a long time, you should have some personal things, darlin’.”

Your fear was now turning to frustration. Now you were at a loss, you didn’t understand what he wanted. Why was he wasting so much time on this clothes issue when you were supposed to go meet Price? The last thing you wanted was for Price to be mad at your late arrival because Ghost was getting caught up on your clothes.  

“Have you been wearing your work clothes on day trips?” Ghost asked.

“On…what?”

“When you go off base,” he prodded, now standing up to his full height again. “What do you wear in your downtime?”

“I’ve only ever been off base for missions and off-site training,” you murmured, looking down at your dirty boots. “It’s just hybrids with permanent handlers that get taken out at Branhaven and no one ever wanted to have me until you and Price. Everything I have is in those drawers…apart from some bathroom stuff I put away in the sink cupboard, I made sure I kept it all out of the way of your things though.”

Ghost looked dumbstruck. It was a funny thing, even though you couldn’t see his face you could still tell so much about his expression through his eyes and body. And in that moment his eyes looked lost and his fists were clenched at his sides. You couldn’t figure out why that sentence was what he seemed the most angry at since that whole segue had started, but you couldn’t deny that there was something like a glint of murder in his face.

“Can we just go now, sir?” you asked, looking past his shoulder and hoping you could entice him to drop the whole stupid subject. “Won’t Captain Price be mad if I’m late?”

Ghost untensed his muscles and dropped his hands. 

“He won’t be mad, it’ll be fine,” he assured, putting a hand on your shoulder and making you jump. “Woah, easy darlin’. It’s ok. Don’t worry about all this, alright? I’ll talk to you about all this later, but for now you’re right, we should get heading. C’mon.”

You huffed out a sigh of relief when he turned and clutched at your chest for a second, thanking whatever spirit was around that you gave him an effective distraction. Though you dreaded to think the subject was going to be revisited. You were still going to be equally as clueless as to why he was so upset that you didn’t have more…stuff. 

You had no idea what that stuff was supposed to be or what you’d need it for when you had perfectly sufficient things that you could always repair whenever that was required. Anything else was just stupid, you were just a hybrid. What would you do with personal items or civilian clothes? It’s not like you were bursting with photos to frame or had any events to look nice for.

It was all so stupid! You put it out your mind and compartmentalised, following silently at Ghost's big back as he took wide strides across the smooth paving and over to his car. You never were good with remembering makes or what logos were what, but what you did know was that It was huge and black and practically gleaming it was so clean. It was clearly something that he took pride in. 

It made you purse your lips once inside, entirely mindful of how spotless his matching black leather interior was. It didn’t seem very conducive with wolf fur so you opted to grab your tail and hold it round your front once you were seated, hoping you could stop yourself from shedding all over the place and creating another uncomfortable conversation. Even though the angle hurt and needled at your old injury, you muscled through with gritted teeth, summoning all your strength for whatever lay ahead. 

Besides, you thought as the engine roared to life, the pain almost made up for the lack of punishment before. It put your head back into order. 

…

“Well well, look who finally decided to show up.”

You’d already gotten out of Ghost’s car with your heart in your throat after seeing you were ten minutes later than he’d said you needed to be. Now standing at the foot of the office, Price’s words had you wincing. You panicked and looked from the Captain sitting at his shaky old desk and then back up at Ghost in the doorway, internally cursing him for taking up your precious time with all of his nonsense about clothes.

“Somethin’ came up,” Ghost shrugged, settling one of his hands across your back and on your shoulder. “Fair warning - this one’ll have a heart attack if you pretend to get mad, so consider your next words carefully.”

Price raised his brows and looked straight at you then, smiling with that signature crinkly eyed grin of his. You remembered his face well, you’d always been thrown by how kind it looked when you’d gone away with him. You weren’t used to Captain’s like him, not accustomed to anyone giving you smiles and encouraging praise. 

At the start of the mission he’d made sure to emphasise he’d be looking out for you through his scope and had Gaz ready with a rifle if anyone had tried to intercept your tracking. Then after you’d returned home he’d made a point of taking you for a burger before he took you back to your base, even letting you sit in his warm truck and enjoy it properly. 

“Well we don’t want that, do we? C’mon, love, take a seat and we’ll go over some things before you go see the other two,” Price said, pointing to one of the chairs in front of him. 

You complied immediately, forgetting about your rush of memories, racing to sit down to a point you were almost sprinting to the chair. Price kept the smile on his face while Ghost sat beside you, both men sharing a look while you anxiously waited to hear what Price was going to say. You couldn’t help but fidget with your tail, digging your fingers deep into the wiry top layer of fur and into the soft tufts underneath. 

“Ghost filled me in on what happened yesterday,” Price said, brows lifting as he tilted his head down at you. “And we want you to know that’s not how we wanted to manage the transfer. So first off, I just want to make sure you’re doing ok. How do you feel about the new arrangement?”

You weren’t sure what you were expecting, but it certainly wasn’t that. As much as you liked the Captian, you still didn’t expect him to mirror Ghost’s strange behaviour and ask about your feelings. He hadn’t said much to you before when you’d gone away with him, there weren’t any good markers to see if this was normal behaviour.

It all made you wonder if you’d been taken away to some kind of opposite land where hybrids seemed to mean something. Then again, you thought bitterly, perhaps this was all a test, just to see how you’d respond.

“Fine, sir,” you answered, fingers threading tighter through your tail. 

Ghost and Price shared another look. Price’s mouth quirked as if he had gathered something from the stare that Ghost gave him.  

“Ok…well that’s good. Do you have any questions for us? 

“No, sir. I’ll do whatever you ask of me, I’m ready,” you said, giving a little nod for emphasis. 

Price chuckled, but the smile on his face didn’t quite reach his eyes. You were sure you’d said something wrong, but if pressed to answer what that was…you wouldn’t know what to say. 

“I’m glad that you’re keen to get started, that’s a good sign. I’m not looking for you to dive right into working though, I want you to have questions and ask us things, so go ahead. You must have something you want to know.”

You sighed and looked down at your tail again, stomach feeling all the heavier after that breakfast. There were a lot of questions floating around your head, but every little piece of you was crying out to just shut up. 

Hybrids don’t ask questions, they follow orders. 

You had been told to ask your questions though. It would surely make him angrier to be denied, you reasoned to yourself. 

“Why me, sir?” You asked, looking up from your lap. 

“Why’d we want you on the team? I liked working with ya, you were quiet, efficient, had a keen focus as well. Simple as that really. We needed a hybrid and I thought you’d be a good fit with us.”

“A good fit, sir? Why?” You asked, curiosity getting the better of you. 

“Everyone on the taskforce is someone that I can count on. I’ve worked with each one of ‘em at various times in my career and I know that they’ll deliver every time I ask them to go out on the field. You did well on that mission you joined us on, and 

 when looked over your record after, I was impressed with your results to say the least. Makes you a great candidate for the 141.” 

“I’ve never had anyone mention anything good about my record before you both,” you muttered. “Are you sure they didn’t mix up the file handover, Captain?” 

Price shook his head and reached his hand across the table, warm skin enclosing over yours as he held his palm over the back of your hand. You felt your ears perk up in surprise. He was…touching you? And not for corrective reasons either! 

“I can assure you it was the right one, love. There wasn’t anything I saw on there that made me think you couldn’t do this job,” he said, giving your hand a quick pat before withdrawing again. “It ain’t all about staying out of trouble.”

You looked up at him and said nothing then, completely silenced by his thoughtful gesture. You’d gotten in plenty of trouble, that was for sure, but you only ever acted like a little shit with the assholes back on your base. Things were different now. You didn’t know how to orient yourself, didn’t know how to behave in your new circumstances.

Instinct said to ignore all the fluffy behaviour and just get through the day doing what you were told, but there was a tiny part of you that really wanted to believe that maybe the men in that room had your best interests at heart - maybe, just maybe this was the break you’d always secretly hoped for. Not that you gave that part of yourself much credence, its voice was too similar to that of the young pup that said that maybe your family would come back for you one day. Maybe they’d realise they made a mistake dropping you off and they’d let you come home again. Stupid stupid little wolf that you were to ever even have a notion like that. 

“Well, I’ll do my best regardless, Sir,” you smiled, hoping he’d move on and get the day going. 

“Good to hear. Do you have anything else you’d like to know before we get stuck in?” 

“No, sir,” you said a little too eagerly. 

He laughed at that. His chuckling low, deep and earthy as the cigar scent that permeated around him. There was something so naturally easy about Price, something that had you relaxing even while you wondered if you were going to get in trouble for not being interested enough to ask more. 

“Well, first things first, welcome to the 141. As you’re the first hybrid member, I expect there will be a learning curve for us all, so we’re going to be training hard over the next few weeks while we get used to each other. Ghost is the only one of us fully trained in hybrid handling, so all of us will be taking his lead while we learn to work properly together out on the field. You’ll be with Ghost for your first few missions, but after that initial few weeks pass you can be sent out with any of the team at any time. You’re not just getting sent on assignment anymore and you’re not dealing with the likes of your old base, you’re dealing with very intense work,” Price said, taking a sharp intake of breath as his tone changed. “You’re going to be out with us in all manner of terrains and situations, and oftentimes under heavy fire. We can be sent anywhere at anytime, and when a target is discovered we need to act quick. We deal with very prolific HVT’s and even in high stress, they need to be brought in safely for interrogation. All this is to say, you’re not expected to act like a mutt anymore, I don’t need that on my team. I want you to be sharp and take initiative, I will need you to communicate with us and to share your thoughts rather than blindly follow orders even when you know they’ll lead to trouble. Your perspective is valuable, you can hear better and sniff out danger that we can’t, so if you flag something then tell us. Do you think you can do that?” 

You raised your brows, head heating in malfunction, not at all ready for the big speech your new captain had imparted on you. Learning to act like a ‘mutt’ was the only thing that had ever been drilled into you. It was the reason you’d been met with so much trouble at the beginning of your career, the main reason your original handlers had encouraged the others to beat you that little bit harder and to make your life more miserable than the rest. You’d been shoved into submission all your life and told to shut the fuck up and do as you were told, you’d never ever been told your perspective was valuable.

You weren’t even given a mic to communicate with out on the field when you started, you were just supposed to follow orders as they came to you. You’d learned ever since then not to speak unless asked.

“Not to question you, but…just to clarify. You’re telling me you want me to go against orders, sir?”

“Well for example… I tell you to walk into a building and you can smell that it’s riddled with explosives, then yes. I expect you to raise the alarm when the situation calls for it. I don’t need a hybrid that’s going to go out and get themselves killed just to please me, I need someone that can get the job done and help get everyone back safe. Lives and mission success are more important than ego to me everytime, you will never be punished for acting in the interest of the team, which now includes you. Understand?”

“So just to get this clear, you’re giving me blanket permission to talk on comms - to give my opinion to you whenever I have one?” you asked incredulously. 

“Precisely. This should help with that,” he smiled, pulling something from out of the groaning top drawer of his desk and sliding it across to you. 

You reached out and accepted it, holding the strip of dark leather between your fingers and admiring how smooth and thick it felt, how high quality it was. Not missing the numbers 141, that were stamped into its side. It was a new collar. Outfitted with a built in mic and specialised remote lock, one that could be unlocked if it became snagged or got you into trouble in a fight. You were pretty sure it had a longer tracking range than standard collars too, and even came with a shiny D ring for tags. This was the kind of thing that hybrids wore when they were prized by their teams, owned by the sort of people that actually cared if you came back to them. 

“Is this really for me?” you asked sceptically, taking a hand off of the new collar and touching the one already round your neck, sliding a finger over the bruised skin at its rough sides. 

“Course it is. We can have it changed or altered if you’re not happy with it,” Price noted, watching your reaction carefully. 

“It’s perfect as is, best bit of kit I’ve ever gotten” you said quickly, running your fingers all the way down the bumpy stitching. “Thank you, sir.”

“Shall we get this thing off then?” Ghost said, speaking up from his place next to you. 

You looked over at him and followed his eyeline realising what he meant, touching your old collar once again. You didn’t need convincing. You nodded and tipped your head forward, letting him access the buckle at the back before unclipping and letting it loose, leaving you unmarked to the world for a minute, just another hybrid without a claim.

It was weird being bared like that, honestly you felt like he’d taken off your shirt or your trousers. You always wore your collar, and now that it was off you felt little better than a worm on a bait hook, wriggling uncomfortably at the sensation of air on your bare flesh. 

Order was restored when Ghost took your new collar and wrapped it around you, clicking it into place with a cheerful clink from the new locking mechanism. You sighed and let out the tension in your muscles, closing your eyes a second before straightening up and looking at Price and Ghost, checking over their satisfied faces. 

“Good to have you officially on the team, pup,” Ghost said with what was surely a grin. “Just need to put your tags on.” 

He took your ID tag from your old collar and slotted it on to the D ring at the front of your neck, then produced a handler tag from his pocket, letting you see it while he fiddled with the tag already round your neck. You took it in your hands and thumbed over the bumpy metal letters and rubber edges, tilting your head as you looked it over. 

LT Ghost

#09-2022

141

You’d always had the base information on your team tag, or had to wear a temporary one when you were sent on long deployments assigned to work with other teams. Even then you’d always get a building ID or some other number that would link you back with some office somewhere. You'd never worn someone else's name around your neck before, but now you were going to be linked to Ghost for the rest of your days. If anyone found you and reported your handler’s number to the relevant authorities they’d get a direct line to him. 

For a man that hadn’t even revealed his face to you, he was incredibly willing to hang such a big responsibility around your neck. You bit your lip and watched as he took the tag from you, fixing it in place behind your ID tag. His heavy breaths were escaping from behind his balaclava for a moment, he was in deep concentration trying to manouver the little tag with his huge hands. You grinned when you heard him swear at it.

“There, you’re stuck with me now,” he said matter of factly, giving the tags a playful tug when he was done. “How’s the collar feel? Not too tight?”

“It’s good, sir,” you shrugged, still marvelling that he was willing to take you on. “Feels a lot better than the old one.”

“That’s cause this,” he grunted, throwing your old collar into Price’s wastebin. “Was a piece of shit.”

You snorted out a laugh and watched as it disappeared into a mass of paper, going deep down to its crinkly death. You couldn’t disagree. It had been rough and frayed either age for far too long and they’d used it to grab you and haul you around like a hay bale for even longer. This new collar, was much smoother an….

d far more pleasant on your neck.

“It suits you,” Price smiled. “I know you’ll be a great addition to the team…that said, are you ready to go meet Gaz and Soap?”

[swifty-fox]

yo you post your fics on AO3? if so please share your user babe

omg yes I do! you can check my swiftywrites tag but

Masters of the Air:

Kingdom for a Kiss - WIP (60k written, 55kk Posted) Long-form Postwar exploration of Clegan's relationship and their trauma. Updates weeky. Explicit.

“I wasn’t the one all but begging to be shot by the guards for months on end there Bucky.” Buck shakes his head, laughing sharply. His anger was a living thing now and he aches with it “Nah, nah, not me. No, I was the one dragging your crazy ass back from the brink time and time again. Trying to convince those fucking Germans your sorry carcass was of more use alive than dead, trying to keep the men busy and motivated while you fucked about. You're welcome by the way.” He jabs a finger in John's direction, who stares at him taken aback. “So’s I don’t see much of a reason why I should let you come up into my home and cast your judgments around.”

Bucks chest heaves, great gulps of air like he’s once again racing through snow-covered German trees. He can tell he’s shocked John into silence, the other man's eyes darting back and forth. Buck averts his gaze, brushing his hair back from his face. That’s twice now he’s lost himself at the people he cares about. Twice now he’s bitten a hand reached out in kindness.

Gale takes a deep breath to compose himself, tucks the jagged angry edges of himself back to face inwards. “You said you would write.”

Little Beast: Ongoing. Porn with a bit of Plot modern au of Burnout John and Priest Gale. total of 30k of them fucking and arguing. Three Parts so far. NSFW to the max

“It’s such a shame you’re cooped up in here like Rapunzel there Buck.” John drawls lazily. He makes a show of looking around “Is Mother Gothel nearby?” 

Buck has to fight back against another smile, wouldn't give him the satisfaction or the encouragement “Father Huglin is away at a conference today.”

“All alone without a chaperone.” 

press your tired hands against my lips darling: Finished. 3K word re-write of the Bucks final conversation in the cockpit. Loose prequel to KfaK but with some minor inaccuracies Mostly SFW

Gale takes John's hand, brings the scarred knuckles to his mouth and holds it there, turns their hands over til he can place his lips to the pulse point at John’s wrist. It’s not a kiss, there’s no press or pursing of lips, but tender nevertheless, intimate in a way that makes Gale shudder. Cautious of whether John will even allow this.  

“I ain’t prayed in a long time,” Gale says whisper-soft. He feels John’s pulse skip a beat, “but I prayed every day you were safe and alive and coming back to me. Every morning, and every night.”  He lets himself cry again, tears hidden against the scarred skin of John's hand. 

The Old Guard:

in another life maybe you and i would be walking down an aisle in white: Finished Joe/Nicky (18K) Art Professor Joe & Art Conservator Nicky reconnect after ten years. This one is uh. Sad. Mind the tags. It's an incredibly personal piece to me and probably one of my favorites .NSFW

Dear Joe, you have always been the brave one and I wished every moment for even a drop of that. Perhaps that is why I claimed you as mine, out of a desperate need to have even an ounce of what made you, you. I desired you but I would not, could not ever let you in. I loved you and kept you and hurt you, keelhauled you against the impenetrable ship that was my heart and when the ragged pieces were left behind I still asked of you your silence.  

It is no wonder our love was left in bloody tatters on that lawn. 

Make me a Saint: Finished (8k) Nicky and Nile mete out some justice to a corrupt priest. NSFW for violence. Mind the tags. As of right now, my most popular fic

“ I was a priest before your bible was even written old man ” Nickys voice thunders in the tiny room, crackling over the walls like fire. Even Nile flinches at the sudden volume. He takes another step forwards, bracketing Father Marcus’ arthritic twisted feet with his own.

His voice does not shake.

“I preached the word of God before your language was even invented . I have known the church for longer than you can comprehend. I have seen great men and evil men take up the word of the Lord and I have seen them all rendered dust. I have seen you and I have judged you, Father Marcus. The Church may practice restraint but I do not. The diocese may have turned a blind eye I but I do not. The courts may have found you innocent but I do not . 

Calcification of a God: Finished (4K) Nicky has a lil Menty B and then Joe gives him a bath. Mostly SFW if I recall correctly

“I think,” Nicky says “If I were God, it was you I modeled humanity after. I think if I were God I would have left my throne in heaven to walk beside you and I would have been richer for it”

Yusuf chuckles “Death makes you sentimental my darling.”

Wolfstar:

Oh Captain, My Captain!: Finished, 1.6k Drabble of Wolfstar cuddling and reciting poetry. SFW

He cups the back of Remus’s head, presses him further into the safety of his body with a hand on his mismatched, misaligned rib cage and rocks them slightly. Remus grunts slightly. Sirius hides the teeth of his smile against the follow of his own neck and allows the curtain of his hair to cover them both for a moment. He listens to the two of them breath, always slightly out of sync, out of rhythm. Remus quick and labored, Sirius racing to catch up only to find himself charging ahead only to drop back behind when he tries to slow down. 

“ If I vibrate with vibrations other than yours, must you conclude that my flesh is insensitive ” That doesn’t fit quite right, so he tries another, brow furrowed and fingers tracing the knobs of Remus’ spine like the knots on a tree, with reverence and a little hint of greed. 

[simpxxstan]

perfect complements (ch. 6)

pairing: professor!seungcheol x professor!f.reader

genre: fluff, enemies to lovers, angst, smut

series summary: four and a half years of working together breeds familiarity, resentment, and everything in between. it's almost like living together.

chapter word count: 2.9k

warnings: a couple of curse words, mention of claustrophobia, massive econ nerdiness UGH I'M SORRY.

a/n: hope you like this update! do let me know your feedback, it motivates me so much! your reblogs, comments and likes help me a lot with determining the direction of this series as well :)

taglist for the fic: @minhui896 @yunoyeol

series masterlist

Never in your life have you really found yourself feeling claustrophobic. But this room is having a surprising effect on you. Along with the dim lights and the variety of information flashing at you through the room, it has an alarming effect on you. You’ve become desperate to leave the room, evident in the blaring of your own heartbeat in your ears. It does not help that Seungcheol is rubbing his hands down your arms trying to calm down the sudden panic flowing through your veins. 

“Hey? Look at me?”

“I am looking at you Seungcheol! I’m telling you, this room is too stuffy! This should be illegal!” 

He pulls you into his chest, taking you by surprise, and you squirm in his arms, but he doesn’t let you budge. When you finally give up, realising it’s impossible to move as you see the breadth of his biceps up close for the first time, he gently releases you and takes a step away. You feel your heart rate calm down and your breathing becoming steady, and you finally come back to your senses.

“Now hurry up aegiya, we’re already 10 minutes into game time,” his voice is softer than usual, and it’s a pleasant surprise.

You both stand side-by-side taking in your surroundings. The escape room is designed like Russian dolls, once you escape this room, the door is supposed to lead you to another one, and then that takes you to another one. The game rules are that you have to escape these three rooms within the next two hours, by any means except using brute force. 

Your eyes are caught on the big screen flashing something in front of you, and you walk towards it to read the information displayed on it. Seungcheol seems disinterested to follow you, as he moves around to look at the other details in the junk dispersed across the room. 

“Seungcheol, have you seen this?”

“Hmm, the code is 1791. Try and input it?”

You squint your eyes in suspicion, “If you know the code already why haven’t you tried it?”

“Because I was busy taking care of the little baby I’m stuck with,” he snickers, and you’re tempted to kick his butt. Instead, you input 1791 and the screen shifts to a new display. Your pride is slightly hurt because Seungcheol solved the last riddle, so you’re intent to solve this one. You tune out his shuffling movements in the background and start focusing with full attention on the games in front of you. 

It’s not long before you both fall into a pattern, solving codes and puzzles in cooperation. You don’t think too much about how you’ve begun depending on Seungcheol to get you both through this escape room. You both may be using logic equally but you can see clearly how his brain works in different tangents from yours. While you’ve always known that you are academically smart, being street-smart or tactical is not your forte, but Seungcheol is definitely making up for you lacking in those aspects. Naturally, your teamwork is surprisingly good, with you picking up on hints through close observation and general knowledge, and him twisting logic just enough to solve the trickiest of riddles. 

That’s how you find yourself in the last room of the trio, with only 20 minutes left on the clock. At this last hour, your teamwork has given way to reveal your naturally competitive selves as the end goal of this game has an added twist- the final solution can be tried only one time, in case it is successful, you successfully win 250,000 won. When you had signed up for the game, you were shocked to see so much prize money, but the woman at the registration desk had said, with a sly smile, that only 0.5% of people who try their hand at this escape room can escape through the three rooms successfully. Dr. Lee had definitely chosen the toughest escape room in all of Seoul for you two, you thought bitterly. 

Seungcheol says exasperatedly, “Y/N, I can’t take your shit right now. Do you really think that’s the best way out? It’s like- even a caveman would think of a better way for this to end.” You and he both know that you have to try and reach a cooperative outcome of the game to satisfy Dr. Lee, but the way he’s breathing down your neck to pressurise you into trusting his solution is getting on your nerves. 

“Seungcheol, there’s only one chance for us to break this code. We can’t fail!” 

“Your solution is even less likely to be the actual solution, this is the best shot we’ve got.”

Your eyes are deadlocked on each other, hands on your hips like mirror images. Seungcheol’s Balenciaga hoodie is loose on his shoulders as he bends down to peer into your eyes (how did he even afford that?), his eyes bloodshot with panic and his fluffy hair flying all over the place with how many times he’s run his hands through it. “Trust me, Seungcheol, please.”

“Alright, let’s go over this one more time, hmm?” He casts his eyes across the room, taking in the clues you’ve found till now. “The cast of the mummy, the scrolls, the canopic jars… do you see anything that we’ve missed?” You follow his actions, looking around the room carefully. You’re determined that the code is derived from the numbers in the scrolls, while he is determined that the solution is in the chemicals that you’ve found in the canopic jars. It’s a simple six digit code, but it’s frying your brains. You both intently scrounge the room one last time, brains working faster than while answering questions at your PhD thesis defence.

The minutes keep ticking away.

“Y/N! Come look!” 

You spin to find Seungcheol running his fingers over some brown canvas wrapping a wall. The canvas is designed to replicate the rough limestone walls on the interior of a pyramid, filled with hieroglyphics which you cannot read. “Hmm?”

“Can we try and… translate these?”

You widen your eyes at his suggestion, inspiration striking you as you look into the suddenly bright eyes of Seungcheol. He looks like a young boy who’s found a way to sneak out of the house to play with his friends while his mom is asleep, and you almost feel endeared by his excited expression. For the past two hours, he’s been just like this, a little antsy but quite enthusiastic.

Right now his pout shows up (in a ridiculously… cute way?) as he focuses on the phone screen open before you with the hieroglyphics translation website. “Are you sure we can use our handphones?”

“They said anything but brute force, aegiya,” he focuses on the screen, trying to decode the writings on the wall.

You bristle with anxiety. “Can you stop calling me that?”

“What?” he looks up at you, with a confused expression on his face, his pout deepening. Does he really not know what he’s doing or is he just this spineless?

“Stop acting innocent. And stop calling me aegi. I’m not a little child.” He smirks, “Acting like that, no one would think you’re thirty three.” Then he quickly continues, before you can retort in annoyance, “As usual, I am right. This is a legit code.” You peak into his phone, where he’s typing something on the notes app. “N… I… L… Nile?” You whisper, your eyes big like saucers replicating his own wild eyes. 

“But it’s a number code!”

His face falls flat, evidently disappointed. 

“What if… we convert these letters to numbers? Like A is 1, B is 2-”

“N is?”

“Wait Seungcheol, let me calculate!”

He whips out his phone again and begins typing something. Soon an image converting letters to numbers pops up and he says, “14… 9… 12… 5!”

“Woah that’s six digits!” A shiver runs down your spine in excitement, and you grab Seungcheol’s left arm, as he moves to press the code into the system. “Are you sure?” he turns and asks you, looking for confidence in your eyes. You nod once, “We don’t have much time left, let’s just go with this. Seems like a good solution!” He nods, and then slowly presses in the six keys. 

The speaker booms out in a dead automated voice, “Congratulations, you have successfully solved the puzzle of the Nile.”

_

After what was nerve wracking to say the least, you gladly accept the cheque with the prize money that the workers at the escape room office present you with, although their expressions do not seem happy at all to be parting with the money. Seungcheol looks giddy with excitement, and he takes a photo of you holding the cheque, and you do the same for him. He sends the photos to Dr. Lee, who immediately texts back with a smiley emoji quite uncharacteristic of them, saying Congratulations!, and then another text which is more like them, saying Why not take a photo together! and a wink face. So you sigh and take a selfie, Seungcheol bending down slightly to reach your height, his face really so close to yours that you can smell the perfume from his hoodie, and you take the photo before the scent becomes too heady, and you send the photograph to Dr. Lee, who smiles back in return. 

“Are you hungry?” Once out of the dark confines of the escape room building, you realise that it’s quite late in the evening, with the sun setting and the skies purple. You had hardly realised when the hours had passed. 

He looks at you with a suspicious expression, all the dopamine rush from solving the games together now dissipated into the chilly nighttime air as you walk towards the main road. 

“Not particularly. But do you want to eat something? I’ll come with then.”

You purse your lips, trying to figure out whether it is worth taking on Seungcheol’s offer. You finally decide and say, “Okay I’m going to get boba. See that shop there?” He nods and walks along without a word as you start walking towards the stall. The street stall seems to sell fried chicken too, so Seungcheol orders one of that along with your Iced Coffee boba, and then proceeds to pay for it as well, all while you’re busy searching for a seat to sit down on and it’s too late to realise that he’s not only paid for the order but also ordered the exact boba tea you wanted to drink. It’s a little confusing, but you don’t care as he appears soon with the food in his hands and you start slurping on the well made drink.

“Can I try one?” You point a finger towards the chicken, and he extends the plate towards you. You pick a piece using a toothpick, and then he gestures towards your drink, so you assume he might want to take a sip. You hand it over, expecting him to take out your straw and drink from the cup itself, but he actually sips from the same straw, which still has your lipstick stains on the edge. “Eww, that’s disgusting!” You whisper, grabbing your drink back. “What? There’s no other straw!” “You could’ve drunk from the cup or asked them for a straw!” “Y/N, seriously? I’ll get a fresh straw for you now.” As he gets up, he murmurs something about transfer of cavities and you indignantly whisper back, “I don’t have cavities! I bet you do, though!” He shoots you a dirty look and brings back another straw so that you can drink the rest of the boba tea peacefully. 

The rest of the meal is passed in silence, but you find yourself catching glances at Seungcheol more than usual, whenever he’s not looking. Perhaps it’s because he looks exceptionally sharp in the sunset glow, his brown hair pushed back, revealing his strong brows and eyes, and his dimples showing gently whenever he chews the chicken slowly. 

You’re definitely looking at him in a new light, with a tad more respect than yesterday, and you have to credit Dr. Lee for that. You’ve always respected Seungcheol on a professional ground, considering his thesis work exceptionally unique and considering him one of the best academics of your generation in this field, but today, he’s shown you that his intelligence extends beyond simple bookish knowledge. 

If you didn’t know better, you’d definitely find this insanely attractive. 

_

“So this is the last time we meet, officially. I hope it’s not the same unofficially.” Dr. Lee smiles at you, genial and kind, as you sit alone in their chamber on Friday, hours before your flight is due for Singapore. “I hope you both enjoy the trip- it’ll work infinitely better than any other group activity I send you both to.” 

You can only scoff at that. “I think we were both too determined not to lose in the escape game. Especially with that kind of prize money on the line. Our competitive natures made us cooperate.” 

Dr. Lee smiles again, but this is their I know more than you, layman smile, and it makes you nervous as always.

“You’ve heard of the Prisoners’ Dilemma game, yes?” You say, “Of course. As students of economics, it’s one of the first things we learn in our game theory courses.” Dr. Lee nods, “Yes, of course. It’s a key idea in psychology too, you know. As you’re aware I’m sure, there are two prisoners who were caught together in a crime. They each can either choose to confess to the police or remain silent.” 

You nod, interrupting in her slight pause. “If they both confess, they get a certain number of years in jail. But if one of them remains silent and the other confesses, then the one confessing can escape without charges, while the other gets an even higher number of years in jail.”

“However, and here’s the catch, if both remain silent, then they can reach a better outcome than both confessing.”

“Cooperation versus conflict. Classic case: both have an incentive to betray the other by confessing and hoping the other remains silent for the lucrative opportunity to leave without charges. But they can cooperate and both eliminate the risk of the outcome of both ending up confessing, and get an optimum outcome.” 

Dr. Lee smiles. 

“When Wonwoo asked me to counsel two economics professors, I thought it would be the toughest challenge so far in my career here. Because it’s so easy for economists to find out any strategy I apply in their experiments.”

You laugh. “And have we satisfied you?”

“You have. As rational humans, you have. You’ve not bitched about each other at individual sessions, you’ve not tried to worsen the situation due to spite from attending these counselling sessions, and you’ve genuinely worked hard at whatever silly tasks I have given you. You’ve helped me help you, indeed.”

“I can’t say if I’m surprised or not. Perhaps it is because we’re adults and we can be mature about this-”

“With the pettiness in your fights from what I’ve heard from your colleagues, I don’t know about the maturity in your relationship, honestly.” Dr. Lee laughs softly, without any malice. “I think it signals something deeper.” You suck in a breath, not sure what to say. Their words inspire many thoughts in your mind, and you don’t want to think about them.

“We weren’t thinking of game theory when doing these sessions, you know.”

“I know. It was subconscious cooperation. Hence, even more precious and hopeful. I can see that you’re on your path to looking above your differences and seeing the best in each other. Even if you can’t see it now.” There’s another knowing smile from Dr. Lee, and you’re overwhelmed by what they’ve just said. You’re scared that it may be very true, indeed.

The university clock strikes four in the distance, and the gong alerts your mind to your flight.

“I shall take your leave then, Dr. Lee. I have to get home, get changed, and then make my way to the airport. We’ve a long weekend ahead, with 32 kids and one kidult to manage,” you chuckle, and Dr. Lee laughs with you as they walk you to the door. 

“It was a pleasure spending time with you and Prof. Choi. Do let him know. And keep it touch,” they extend their hand towards you, and you grab it and shake it enthusiastically. “I shall! Thank you, Dr. Lee. And goodbye.” They smile and wave back, as you exit from their office. 

Two minutes later, you’re strutting down the stairs towards the staffroom to collect your things, and your phone rings in your pocket. 

“Hello?” You don’t look at the name in your hurry to walk down the stairs. 

“Prof. Y/L/N, do you plan to bail on me on this trip? We’re already at the airport, where,” the voice drops to a hoarse whisper, “the fuck,” and then back to normal, “are you, Y/N?”

“What? What are you doing there now, Prof. Choi? The flight is at eight! We still have four hours to go.” 

“This woman,” he mutters under his breath, before continuing. “The flight is at six o’ clock. It lands at eight. Please bring your ass here, FAST!” 

The line goes dead, and you’re left speechless. 

An international flight, in two hours, and the airport is 45 minutes away from your apartment, not accounting for rush hour traffic? You’re fucked.

[saninthebuilding]

"i want to walk this path with you"

summary: in which you have reached your breaking point after one too many hits from the universe, and jungkook is there to help you get back up

wc: 2.1k

warnings: swearing, emotions, angst to fluff, hurt/comfort, self-deprecating thoughts, mentions of family issues, an allusion to su!c!d3, rough head-space, verbal abuse-ish, mentions of weight and self-image, best friends to lovers, jungkook is the best-friend-turned-partner alive

a/n: honestly, it's a self-indulgent long fic that i wrote for myself because these days haven't been too good. the fact that he went live today really boosted my mood, and this fic really shows how much of a lifesaver he is for me. without him, i don't know what i'd do. my life literally revolves around him. he is everything to me.

a/n 2.0: edited and wc updated!

~

today was not a good day.

when i woke up this morning i could already tell something was off. as if the universe were a chess player looking down at my pawn on the board, contemplating whether or not they should knock me down today, only to cackle aloud and tip me over.

and i had been right.

nothing had seemed to go my way today. my insecurities surrounding my image finally resurfaced due to the ongoing conversations my friend group has been having about weight and eating habits and fashion trends. my parents had been making it worse for the past few weeks, one day berating me for eating too much and the next scolding me for eating too little.

or really just yelling at me for random stuff every now and then. it was as though the stress they were dealing with at work (and from my younger brother who made it his life mission to make everyone miserable on a daily basis) was being taken out on me all the time.

of course, i couldn't forget the overflow of assignments and classwork i had to finish on a daily basis. with little to no motivation, it was proving to be really hard to start one thing, let alone complete everything.

and then there was fact that i was starting to feel more out of place in my own skin as the days went by.

it was like everything was too fast and too loud and too bright, but at the same time too slow and too quiet and too dull. it was as if one second everything mattered a little too much, and then suddenly nothing mattered at all.

at least there was no one around to witness me crumbling. my parents had left for a business trip earlier, and my younger brother was out with his friends. being a senior in high school, they had deemed me capable of looking after him for a few days, not knowing it was only adding more strain on my shoulders.

soon, i could feel the build-up of the multiple things i had been facing start to erupt, so when i stepped into the kitchen to try and make myself a quick dinner, i wasn't too surprised to find out that me dropping my bowl of ramen on the floor was my last straw.

then again, i suppose it had been a little too hot.

staring down at the now shattered china, my eyes watered as i took in the noodles splattered across the tiled kitchen floor.

"at least i didn't put too much broth this time" i choke out in an attempt to make myself feel better in this empty house.

it didn't work.

i felt the tightness in my chest grow, fuled off all the emotions i had been hiding for weeks now, begging to be let out. the pinching in my throat was unbearable as i felt the unavoidable onslaught of tears blur my vision.

please.

i give in.

sinking down to my knees by the mess of noodles and broth and china, in the daunting quiet of this house that no longer felt like a home, i heaved a shuddering breath.

and i cried.

sobs racked through my body with uncontrollable force as my tears streamed down my cheeks and into my lap. my hands began to shake, and i pressed my palms to the tiles, taking advantage of their ice-cold feel. my chest hurt to the point where i couldn't breathe, and i wasn't sure why eveything sounded so loud all of a sudden.

a shrill buzz jolted me out of my daze, and i sniffled, turning my head in its direction.

my...phone?

half-crawling, half-dragging myself across the kitchen, i pulled my phone off the counter.

i let out another sob seeing the caller id.

kookie

it was as if he knew.

i pick up as i try to get my breathing under control.

"jungkook" i whisper, my voice coming out shaky and strained.

"y/n?"

i let out another sob hearing his voice, quiet and concerned and oh so soft.

"hey, hey, what's going on? are you alright? where are you right now?"

he's panicking, and i hear rustling from the other end which tells me he's throwing a hoodie on.

"...in my kitchen" i mumble, eyes going back to my now-unedible dinner.

"just wait for me," he breathes, "i'll be there in 5 minutes. i'm gonna stay on the line, but just wait for me, ok? can you do that for me?"

"mhm."

i hear a door slamming, and then heavy footsteps. 

suddenly i realize how late it is- around 11:30pm. the fact that jungkook is leaving when it's this dark, that also to come see me, starts to worry me.

"kook it's really late. what if-"

my anxiety must have been evident in my voice, because he's instantly calming me down.

"baby, i'm perfectly fine. i see your house ok. i'll just use the spare key in your garage. i'll be right there."

my heart skips a beat at the pet name he occasionally uses for me. i'm sure he means it as a term of endearment, but it's hard to control myself when i've had feelings for him since we were kids.

and to make my situation even better, he's my best friend.

i let out a choked laugh at how i was crying one second and smiling the next.

"what's wrong? are you ok?"

although his voice comes through the phone, i suddenly hear muffled jangling of keys from the other side of the door, and a lock clicks open. i lift my head to the entrance, and see jeon jungkook standing in my doorway.

he takes in my defeated state, and the hand clutching his phone slowly slips down from where he was holding it to his ear, arm hanging loosely at his side.

he's silent, and i stay where i am, still crouched on the cold tiled floor. my eyes drift to his flushed cheeks and heaving chest, before noticing that his hair looked fluffier due to having faced the wind on his way here.

he's so beautiful.

"oh y/n" he whispers, before kicking his shoes off and rushing towards me. he drops down to his knees in front of me, before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to his chest.

i cling onto him, biting on my bottom lip to keep my sobs under control as the tears start falling again. his hands are rubbing up and down my back, before he pulls back to hold my face in his hands.

"what happened?" he asks, voice shaky as i see his own eyes glistening. "who did this to you? what's wrong? talk to me, baby, i'm here now."

"i'm so tired jungkook" i whisper, the words twisting my gut. "i'm so fucking tired and i don't know how to fix it."

his fingers brush away the salt water streaming down my cheeks, and his face is mirroring the pain i feel in my heart.

"i've tried everything, i've done all i could for everyone in every possible way but it's never enough. nothing is enough, and it's only now that i realize that it will never be enough. i don't even know what they want from me anymore, jungkook, i-"

i let out a sob, and he instantly pulls me into his arms, rocking us gently. "shh y/n, i've got you."

"-and my parents keep yelling and my brother treats me like shit even though i try so hard to make sure he doesn't end up like me, and all anyone's talking about is their image and i'm so uncomfortable with myself, and then school is even more stressful-"

"hey, no no no, y/n, you're not-" jungkook tries to butt in, eyes wide and wet, but i just shake my head hard.

"it's too much jungkook" i plead, voice cracking, "it's too much and i don't know how much longer i can take it."

at this jungkook freezes, staring at me in what seems to be fear. a tear slips down his cheek, and i feel my heart break even more when i realize that i'm the reason he's crying.

"oh no, jungkook" i whisper, and this time it's me that wipes his tears, "please don't cry, i can't see you cry because of me."

he sniffles, rubbing a hand over his face and then over my own, before helping me stand up. holding my hand, he pulls me behind him as he grabs the broom, and keeps holding it as he shoves the mess on the floor into the dustpan and then the garbage. i grab the mop, still clutching his hand in mine, and swipe down the leftover broth that was still on the floor.

placing everything back, jungkook stands with me in the middle of the kitchen, quiet. i keep my gaze on our entwined fingers, unable to meet his gaze.

it's the first time i've broken down this bad in front of him, and i was afraid of what he would say next.

i don't know what i'd do if he walked away from me too.

eventually he breaks the silence.

"how long?" 

startled at the serious tone of his voice, i look up to see him staring at our hands. his jaw is clenched, and although his eyes are still shiny there's a sharpness in them.

"...a few weeks now" i whisper.

he's silent again, but this time when he looks at me his gaze is full of anger- for me.

"and your self-hate?"

i wince slightly, feeling a bit embarrassed.

"...long before that. it kinda just overflowed today..."

"did i..." jungkook swallows hard, as though the question he were trying to ask was hurting him.

"did i make you feel like that?"

my eyes go wide- how could he even think that? i pull him to me, hands covering his own as i shake my head.

"what- no! no, never! kook, sweetheart, you-" i breath out, upset that he even thought he had hurt me.

"if anything you're the only thing that keeps me going."

as soon as i say this, it's as though something in his gaze changes. suddenly his hands are on my waist, and he's lifting me up like i weigh nothing. gently resting me on the kitchen's marble countertop, he placed both hands on either side of my hips, before shifting closer to stand between my legs. when he speaks his voice comes out strained, as his fingers grip the counter edge so hard his knuckles turn white. as if he's holding himself back.

"give me permission" he breathes, and as he tilts his head down to face me fully, i can feel my breath catch in my throat.

"give me permission, and i will make you forget every fucked up thing you ever heard and every cruel thing you ever faced."

the intensity with which he holds my gaze makes my heartbeat speed up, and i realize that there's an emotion in his eyes that wasn't there before.

he leans closer, gently pressing his forehead against mine and closing his eyes.

"give me permission, y/n and i will show you how much you mean to me."

i think back to all the times he was there for me, high or low, night or day. i remember how he didn't hesitate to drop everything and come over the moment he heard me crying on the phone. i take in the sincerity and love in his voice, the way he was so close yet still just far enough to ensure that i wasn't uncomfortable.

and the fact that i knew he would respect my space without a second thought if i said no.

"jungkook" i whisper, my voice coming out breathless.

slowly, i raise my hands to cup his face, and feel him tense under my touch, awaiting my next words.

it was him.

it had always been him.

and it will always be him.

because he is everything to me.

"kiss me."

jungkook opens his eyes, meeting my gaze as his fingers grip my chin before he turns his head sideways, leaning in.

i meet him in the middle.

his lips are soft against mine, his touch gentle, as though i were the most precious thing around. placing a hand on the small of my back, he pulls me closer so that i'm flush against his chest, the warmth radiating off of him calming me down.

he pulls away after a while but stays close enough so that we're still face to face.

"i love you so fucking much" he breathes, emotion dripping from his words and his touch and his gaze.

i wrap my arms around his upper body and hug him to me, burying my face into the crook of his neck. he instantly hugs me back, placing a soft kiss to my temple before resting his chin on top of my head.

"i love you, jungkook." 

~

[pieroulette]

|ROUTE 1: Heeseung|A Story That Starts With a Text

📃summary: when you installed a dating app to just mess around with random people, not knowing that you were turning your peaceful life into a bloody one the moment you sent that text.

🥀genre: yandere, angst, fluff

🥀warning: cursing, kleptomaniac! reader, alcohol, suggestive content, future non-con w a minor involved! (only in one ep, 18+ only mdni! — this is only for entertainment, I don’t condone this behaviour), in this ep — mentions of suicide and self harming, cuts and bruises, drugs, blood.

🥀pairing: heeseung x fem!reader

🥀word count: 15.8k

🖋️a/n: EP 7 finally done! I'll be quite busy with my studies from now on, so the update for EP 8 would be slower than EP 7 so I hope you'll all be patient, and thank you for reading my story! As always reblogs and comments are highly appreciated, they're the greatest motivation for writers ^^

EDIT: please stop spam liking, it gets me shadowbanned. Seriously read the rules, properly abide by it. If you keep ignoring it, it means you don't care any less of what happens to my blog then I have no choice but to do the same, by blocking you. Please understand.

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| EPISODE 7 : FOOLS |

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And here you are once again, grounded. Mind completely breaking down over the many things that happened today, ruffling your hair between your fists; you were completely dumbfounded. Another day had passed, then a few days, it had felt like an eternity as you lay on the floor.

You opened your eyes as the sunlight poured through the window laying itself on your face. You sat up, you won’t believe this. You’ll have to do something. You won’t believe that everything was fake, that everything was just a hallucination.

You refuse to believe it.

Chaeryeong, yes Chaeryeong. She’s the only one that would prove to you that you weren’t hallucinating. Someone is fooling you, and you know that. There’s no way everything was just a hallucination. Someone was playing a fucking game on you, you don’t know who but you’ll eventually find out.

Next day eventually comes, and you open your window slightly and jump through it. You wince in pain when you get hurt a bit in the process, but you won’t turn back when there’s only one answer left.

You go through many places you and Chaeryeong had spent time together, from the hiding spot to the nearest cafe in the city. With harsh breathing and beads of sweat forming on your forehead because of the scorching sunlight

It went on for hours and hours, and you felt a sudden rush of wave to just give up but you ain't gonna do that when your own best friend was going missing and no one, and by that not even a single person in this whole city was looking for her, not even her own family. If you gave up on her, then who would? And the fact she was the only answer left to all your questions.

Clenching your fists, you took in a new sense of determination to continue looking for her. Opting to go along the streets where it leads to her house once again, you're going to ask her parents again. Knocking hastily on the door was met with no response, it goes on for a while that it seems there was no one in the house. Putting your hands on your knees to take a quick long and deep breath with your eyes on the ground, the door in front of you finally opens.

But the sight made your jaw drop.

"Ch-chaeryeong?"

"Oh. (Name)."

You were hit with a huge relief passing through all your veins and without much thought, you throw yourself on her, embracing her with a tight hug. "You're safe! I'm glad! I'm really glad!

Tears was threatening to come out of your eyes but you pay no attention to it when your bestfriend was clearly here, all safe and well in front of you.

"S-safe? Wh–"

"Are you hurt anywhere? Huh?" You pulled her arm, inspecting any wounds or anything you could find. "What happen!?"

"(Name)! What are you saying?" Chaeryeong chuckles, pulling out from your grasp.

"God. I'm glad you don't even have an ounce of scratch in your skin-" you bend over, and anything inspecting her skin. "Or I swear I'm gonna kill whoever-"

"Oh my god, (name) what's wrong-"

"Huh! Speaking of that, what happened!?"

"What? What happened??"

"Yea! You got kidnapped right!? Who was it??"

"wait what? Slow down- what are you talking about? Kidnap? Jesus Christ."

"What are you saying? You called me right? The other day!" You exclaimed.

"Holy crap, (Name). Didnt I always call you?-"

"No!! You called me! On weekends. You called me for help!"

"Why would I call you for help, goddamnit. Jesus, what did you ate."

"What are you saying!? (name)?"

—

Drifting along the street, and the world seems to go on their way while you were too deep in thought. Completely baffled and dumbfounded over all of the things had happened. Were you dreaming? You let out a dry laugh, was everything just really a hallucination?

Your mind goes back to the time you talked to Chaeryeong again, as you tried to make sense of it.

"But it was you.. it was clearly you.." you said in a low voice.

"Jesus Christ! (Name). Did a ghost haunt you? Okay, okay. Tell me when did I call you and what did I tell you."

"You called for me in the middle of the night, on weekends!! Your voice was sore and l-like you were in p-pain!--" raising both your hands in a manner to try to get your words out, as your best friend listens to you with confusion written on her face. "you were asking for my help and then all of a sudden you cut off the line, as if someone had pulled you or I don't know caught you-"

"Wow, that's a hella detailed story there- you can be a writer." Your best friend jokes but stops when she sees your serious face. "Okay, alright alright, my bad."

"What were you doing when I supposedly called you that night?" she asked, and then the memories of you and your sister fighting came through.

Shaking your head, "it was just after the party-"

"The party!? You're partying?!" She suddenly exclaimed, raising her voice clearly surprised by what you said.

"I followed my sister! Okay?" You defended yourself.

"Oh okay okay." letting out a heavy sigh, your best friend looks up in the air trying to make sense of something. "I don't know if I can say this though.."

"Just say it."

"But even if it was, it couldn't have been that detailed.." your bestfriend smiles awkwardly.

"Just what, just say it."

"Drugs."

"What?" Your eyes widened. "Are you saying!?"

"Okay look! I'm not saying that. But- like I said it might not seem like it, but it's the closest thing I could think of (name)." Your best friend reasoned with you, giving you a concerned look.

—

Still incredibly shocked over what happened. You really had no idea how you can hallucinate such clear and detailed events. You couldn’t be taking drugs!? Chaeryeong’s call, Heeseung’s text, the car accident, and then Chaeryeong herself admitted to having never called you. What’s the actual fuck was happening to you!?

'Am I going insane?' you put your head on your hands as you groaned.

“(NAME!)” the loud angry voice of your father snapped you out of your deep thoughts.

“Shit.” you cursed in a low voice, you were too deep in thought that you didn't realize you were walking back straight to home. Having broken the grounded rules, you know what waits for you is no easy feat. Fixing your hair slightly and regaining your composure, you observe as your mom follows behind your father with an immense concern expression on her face.

“Where have you been!?”

“I’m sorry..” was the only thing you could let out after everything that had happened.

“Why did you do that!?”

“You broke the rules, goddamnit!”

“Go inside! We’re going to talk about this.”

“And, you’re done. I can’t really believe you, (Name).”

Confused, you look up to your mom. “What are you saying?”

“Get inside!���

“Okay i'm going!”

“Okay i get it you’re mad that i broke the rules! But can you listen to my explanation first!? I went to Chaeryeong’s-”

“That is one thing! (Name). But you stole our stuff! The paper and everything!”

“W-what?”

—

All the stuff that your parents had been looking for all this time was laid on the top of the table, scattered with a piece of plastic.

“You see all this shit!? You stole all of this!”

“You promise to us you won’t do it again! (Name). I thought you knew better already!”

“I didnt. I swear mom! Dad!”

“We found it in your room. Inside a plastic bag!”

You felt incredibly helpless at this point. The world in your view began to shatter and everything seems to get lost in void, with your parents screaming and blaming you. Heavy eyes and rough breathing, you couldn’t even cry anymore, you wanted to but you can’t. You’re getting tired. Tired. Everything is fucking tiring.

“No! You’re bullshitting me! I didn’t steal that, I swear! Please trust me!”

Their angry expressions and loud voice irritates you more than it should. It shouldn’t have been that annoying but for some reason, you want to bang your head on the wall and scream at them but you hold on for a little more.

Then you notice your dad pulling out his phone amidst your heavy crying, “Ms. Koo, is it possible if we can bring her now? Ah. yes. Yes.”

“Dad, what are you doing?” Your mouth trembles as you walk over to your dad trying to get the phone away from him.

“You’re meeting Ms. Koo-”

“I don’t want to meet her! What the fuck is wrong with all of you!??”

“Language (name)! Don’t raise your voice over your mom!”

“No! No! Why are you all doing this to me!? Fucking piece of shit!” you saw red. At last, you felt an immense betrayal, anger, and sadness rushing all over your being all mixed together with the throbbing headache, suffocation in your lungs to the point you wanted to vomit. Grabbing the nearest stuff on the table and throwing it on the ground smashing its contents,

“(NAME)!!!” you heard your parent’s angry protests for you to stop, but you wanted nothing but to express your anger and everything you bottled up inside. Smashing every bit of them.

Everything is so fucking tiring. You are tired. Gritting your teeth and clenching your jaw, you wanted to express how angry you were. How mad and how hurt you felt.

“Why! Of all people! I stole, yes! I stole from others! But never did I steal from our family! Maybe I did to Unnie! But that was because! Because! Because!!!” you screamed, smashing another vase. This wasn’t you. The composed and calm you. That thought immediately passed through you, which made you immediately halt your hands from smashing another vase.

What’s wrong with you?

Within a split moment, you felt a huge smash on your head making you fall on the ground, making you pass out.

—

Your eyes fluttered open slowly only to be met with the white ceiling, your heartbeat immediately quickens because the scene was all too familiar with you. You knew where you are. Your body wants to move but you felt so weak, you moved your head slightly and you saw an old woman in, a nurse, with a syringe filled with blood and you observed as she placed it among other syringes. Your breath hitched as you caught on, she must’ve drawn blood from you, you immediately tried to see which arm she took from and you breathed in relief as it was from your right arm. They couldn’t have seen it right?

“You’re awake.” an old lady went in and usher the nurse to continue with her job. You scoffed, you knew her, your same old therapist since you were a child.

The private therapist your family had assigned for you when they found out you had kleptomaniac, she was the one that reported to your family whenever you did something, from the smallest to the biggest ones, she did it. However she once promised you that you will one day be cured from your condition and that she will help you through all of it, never gonna leave your side no matter what happens.

No matter what happens.

You trusted her. But one day, she had brought you with her for a walk to the town, to give you candies and make your day. She excused herself for the restroom, and you find yourself lost in the crowd. As a child, you weren’t aware so when you can't help but do it again; and the consequences were a living nightmare for you. Your parents, your sister, neither your grandparents weren’t there to defend you.

The angry voices of the crowd mocking you, you look for her amongst the crowd and there she was; looking at you with that gaze, the same gaze all of other people had thrown upon you. You cried, just like the small fragile child you were, moving closer to her to take that warm loving embrace she had promised. But she didn’t. She didn’t. She didn’t acknowledge you but instead mock you amongst the crowd as well and so you despised her for it. After many years growing up, you finally realized she had intended to leave you in a place you couldn’t control yourself to steal, to put yourself in a situation where you no one but only you are left alone to defend yourself. It doesn’t really matter now, to be honest. Just seeing her, irks you a bit.

“When I heard from your parents that you have successfully healed from your condition, it was so much to say that I didn't believe it. After all, a kleptomaniac will always be a kleptomaniac..” she walks closer to you, a smile slowly curving up, “And i was right. How silly, sweetheart.”

“Shut up.” you spat out. In which she chuckled.

You frowned, trying to sit up. But you felt as if there was a strong force pulling you down back to the bed, weakness spiraling over you. And then your head aches once again.

“Don’t force yourself, sweetheart..” she chuckled, “your parents had sent you here for me to ‘fix’ your condition again, and i was to say the least, were amused.” she leans towards the window, glancing at your parents and your sister outside the hospital.

“Fix, they said. Wealthy people are all the same..” she let out an exaggerated sigh, now looking at you and as if she had read your mind. “You know why I didn't take you last time? To cradle you like a lost baby when you came to me?”

“It’s because I hate wealthy kids like you. Brats who think they can get anything by crying and an attention seeker. But I guess you’re turning to it now, and even worse. How unfortunate.” you could care any less about what she said, but you were left confused about her last sentence.

She walks closer to you, stroking your arm. “That you had another condition, how amusing.”

“W-what? What are you saying?”

Sighing, “Come in, Mrs. Kim and Sir. Kim.” the door opens, revealing your parents with their faces were nothing but fatigue, and your mom’s puffy eyes, your dad letting out a heavy sigh as he took a quick glance at you before looking at your psychiatrist.

Biting your lips as you look down to your hands, what’s happening?

“What should we do now?” Your dad asked her, taking quick glances at you.

“I suggest that we should take her for further treatment, she should be hospitalized.”

“What are you saying? Why should i go there!?”

“Yeah? Her condition isn't that bad for her to get hospitalized?” your mom asked with concern.

“That’s not what I'm talking about, because unfortunately, I found something else.”

“Wh-what?”

“Pull your sleeve up, your left arm.”

“N-no, why should I?” you instinctively covered your upper left arm covered with the material of your shirt.

“Why not? Show us, sweetheart.” your psychiatrist smirks, “We can’t help you if you don’t show it to us.”

“What’s with her left arm? Is there something with it?” your parents asked.

“N-no, there’s nothing. Forget about it.” you reasoned.

“We can’t forget about it, it’s rather serious that we-”

“It’s been a long time ago! Why are you sticking your fucking nose in my business!? Huh!?” you yelled at the top of your lungs at your psychiatrist.

“No- what? What’s happening?”

“Then I guess I have to take much harsher actions.”

“N-no! Stay away!” you screamed, as she moved closer to you, pulling your left arm. “Don’t touch me!! Get away!”

“Mom! Dad!”

“What are you doing!?” your mom cried out.

“Mam, you have to see what your own daughter was doing to herself all these years.” with so much struggle, she finally pulls your sleeve up. Revealing your bare left arm in front of your parents. And the sight shocks your parents to their core.

“(name)!!” they both exclaimed at the same time, shocked at the sight of the scars on your left arm. Some were fairly old, brownish dots and with some old deep cuts splattering all over your upper left arm.

“See? This is unacceptable, (Name) has been hurting herself, and we can’t let this happen.”

“Why are you doing this!? Since when!?” you kept quiet, mouths trembling as you tried to keep yourself from crying. Arms aching due to your therapist caging you with her arms, while pulling your left arm to the sight of your parents.

“Just why? Why!?” your mom puts her face into the comfort of her hands as she cries into them.

Thus your nightmare had begun, as your parents had agreed to let you stay in the hospital. You could do nothing but stay helpless as you sat on the floor and watched them decide your future, breaking down as you can’t believe that your life was turning into a mess. It was all doing well all this time, you managed to keep it for many years so why? Why do they have to find out about it? Especially now? Why now!?

“I won’t fucking let you keep me in this shitty place!” You screamed at them, pushing your psychiatrist aside, storming out of the room and running as fast as you could before they could catch you.

—

The light rain greeted you as soon as you left through the hospital’s entrance, your clothes soon getting drenched, but you couldn’t care any less as you had only one thing in mind; to run. To run away from all of them, who doesn’t trust you one bit, who doesn’t understand you nor tries to understand you. Not even your sister, who you had thought would trust you. No one. But were you selfish for even asking for that? That’s why you weren’t getting any of the warmth you’ve been hoping for? Was that it?

Just then, you felt a hand suddenly grabbing your arm preventing you from running. You gasped but soon anger came through you as you turned around to see who it was.

“L-let go of me!” you trashed around, trying to break free from Heeseung’s strong grasp.

“No wait! What’s wrong!?’

“Let go! Freak!”

“(Name)! Calm down! What’s wrong!?” you successfully break free from his grasp, running as fast as u can away from the hospital but he managed to hold you by your wrist again, preventing you from running.

“What’s wrong with you!? At Least tell me first!”

“Get the fuck away from me!”

“(Name)!!”

“What the fuck do you want!?” you screamed, “What? Are you here to make fun of me too!? Scream at me and yell at me for something i didn't do!?”

“You’re already ruining my relationship with my sister!! What else do you want!?” you cried out.

“W-what? Ruin? What are you saying?”

“Yea! Not only that, but because of you now! Because of that stupid party! Now i'm going to a freakin 'hospital!”

“Hospital, w-what? Are you sick?” Heeseung’s expression became worried the moment he heard what you said.

Scoffing, “Stop fucking acting! Isn’t that what you want!? You piece of shit!!”

“Why do you hate me so much!?”

You let out an exaggerated sigh, angry tears coming out from your eyes. “Goddamnit, just stay away from me!” you turned around again, but Heeseung was adamant to not letting you go.

“What the fuck!! Let me go!” you warned, “If you don’t let me go, I’ll scream and people will arrest you!”

“Let me go.”

“Then do it.”

“H-huh?”

“I won’t let you go, it’s dangerous out there!”

“Bullshit. Let me go.” you tried to break your hands away from his grasp again. “Let me go!!!”

“Running away from your problems won’t do you any good! (Name)!”

“What do you know!? What do you know about me!?” you cried out, “Nothing! So how do you know running away won’t do me any good!?”

“I know that we don’t know each other that much, but i’ve promised!”

“I’ve promised that i would be your good friend, and that by being good friend. I would protect you and trust you-”

“Don’t ever say that word. Fuck. I don’t believe you.”

“But I trust you.”

“Shut up!”

“I trust you! I know you didn’t steal my sister’s necklace back in the party.”

“Yeah right!? Keep acting like the righteous person you are!”

“I’m not lying! And why do you keep saying that? What did I do?”

“How can you be so sure, huh? With my fucking condition, no one ever trusted me. Not even my parents, not even my sister! Fuck, maybe they did. But- but..” stopping yourself to cry, you mouth trembles.

“(Name)..”

You glared at him, “So how can you!? Huh!?” gritting your teeth, ��How!?”

“Because I do! I can feel it!” Heeseung cried, “I just know you won’t steal again, when I see how you love your sister and care for her. I knew at that time. I know you won’t ever steal again so please just believe me!”

“Don’t lie.” you said in a low voice, “Don’t lie!”

“I’m not!” he held both your arms because you were hitting his chest.

“Don’t l-lie!” you finally cried. “No you don’t! You’re just lying!”

“Just shut up for once (name)!” he yells at you, he pulls you into his embrace, your head falling to his chest, and his hands stroking your hair. “I trust you. And I will protect you as long as I'm here.”

“L-let go of me!!” you keep thrashing around but he tightly holds you, not letting you go.

—

And now here you are, standing behind Heeseung as he reasoned with your parents to how they could keep you here and not even try to listen to what you said. You could only keep quiet as you were already so tired, tired of everything. It goes on for what seems like eternity before your psychiatrist eventually suggests to cast a vote, a vote to decide whether you’ll stay here or not. To your relief, your mom doesn’t actually agree with your dad to keep you here but she doesn’t have a choice but to go along with his decision earlier. But now, along with Heeseung’s word, she voted to keep you out of this place, saying that this hospital won’t do you any good. It would be so much better if you were just at home, for her to take care of you.

However, your psychiatrist and your dad voted otherwise. You had expected that from them so you weren’t that really surprised despite your broken heart. Heeseung voted to keep you out from here, making you really feel grateful upon hearing that. For some reason, you weren’t allowed to vote since in fact, it was about you so now it’s 2 votes against 2.

It was a tie.

“Now get me out of here. It’s a fucking tie, you can’t keep me here.” You spat out behind Heeseung’s back to your psychiatrist. Silence ensues as your psychiatrist was deep in thought, thinking of what to do.

“Just stop thinking, god.” Heeseung sighed, “Let’s go, (Name).” he took your hands in his.

“She should stay here.” you turned to look around to see your sister standing at the doorway.

“Unnie?”

“After all that happens, are you still going to let her out there?” Chaewon spat out, glaring at you. You can’t believe it. You can’t believe what you’re hearing from her right now. Your mouths trembling, tears threatening to come out from your eyes again.. She can’t be?

“Are you saying it’s better for (Name) to stay here?” your psychiatrist asked her.

“Yeah, you should get treated and get better. (Name).”

“But I'm not sick!’” You yelled at the top of your lungs, gritting your teeth.

“I fucking doubt that. Do you really think you deserve to be out there after what you did?”

“So it’s 3 votes against 2.” Your psychiatrist fixes her glasses, straightening her posture as she calls for the nurses.

“You can’t do this to me..” you shook your head in desperation, falling to the ground in which Heeseung immediately held you. “How can you do this to me!?”

“I’m the one who should be asking you that. Why are you doing this to us?” Chaewon asked calmly, raising her eyebrows at you with that same gaze. That gaze. That fucking gaze.

“Chaewon! You can’t do this to her!” Heeseung protested, which immediately made Chaewon glare at him.

“She’s been insulting and accusing you all this time, and even Heemin!? Heeseung, for fuck’s sake. You’re too kind, but for once please don’t meddle with our family’s business.” Chaewon clasp her hands together, then she looks down at you, “You don’t know just what kind of girl she is.”

“Chaewon! She’s still your sister!” Your mom cried out, walking to your side.

“That’s the reason! She’s my sister that’s why we should let her get treated and not let her out there with her fucking condition! See? She’s also hurting herself! Isn’t that what insanes do?”

Insane?

“Watch your mouth, Chaewon!” Your mom yelled at her, whilst your dad stayed silent. You immediately caught on that your dad was siding your sister.. He, too, was looking at you with that same gaze.

“God, mom! Just look at her! She fucking lied, not just once but alot of times! Heeseung, Chaeryeong and that fucking necklace! You’re fucking insane.” she glares at you.

Your heart broke. Shattered to pieces as you couldn’t believe, you could’t fucking believe that she called you that. Why? What had happened for her to change so drastically like this? What happened? What is happening to your sister? You were both just fine all along this time, so why? Why was she so upset? It shouldn’t have gone so worse like this.

“Honey? You can’t let this happen!” your mom cried out, “Even if she stole a thousand times, we’re still her family! And can’t you see it!?” she gestures towards your arm.

Shaking her head, as she looks up to your dad, “This isn’t right.”

However your dad still stayed silent, and your psychiatrist spoke, “It has been decided, mam. We can’t do anything about it, but rest assured, we will do our best to treat your daughter-”

“I’m not insane..” you talk to yourself, eyes welling up in tears. “I’m not insane!

You cried out as the nurses came in, pulling you up and away from them. Heeseung couldn’t do anything too but stood silent, because it wasn’t his business in the first place.

“Mom! Dad!” you cried out so loud, it echoed through the hallway. “Unnie!”

—

Ever since then, you've been stuck in this hellhole called ‘hospital’. And apparently your sister had despised seeing you and refused to visit along with your parents which had entirely broken your heart.

Empty.

Empty, was what you felt when you laid on the hospital bed every fucking single day, staring at the white ceiling. You don’t even know if you can call it a feeling, but it felt like your heart has been stomped on countless times that it had this big hole in it. Clenching your fists as you remembered all the things your sister said to you. How could she? Pressing your lips tight as you tried to suppress crying again. You were tired, tired with all the shitty things that happened. It was all doing fine, you were doing just fine all this time so why? Why has it come to this?

Raising your arms up to your eyes to prevent the tears from coming out was useless, as it eventually finds its way out, wetting your arms as it flows down your cheeks. Your mouth trembles as you bite your lip, stopping yourself from crying out loud.

Sad, sad.

As the faint smell of the medicines lingers on the air, and the cold floor of the hospital, the nurses coming in to give you meds; all of it was hell. And along with it, another faint smell of food came.

Heeseung.

Yes, Heeseung. Amidst all the chaos, trouble and emptiness you had went through in this hospital, there was this comfort that had been by your side all this time, and that was him; Heeseung. He comforted you with his words, telling you that all will be fine and well. That your parents will eventually take you back and that they actually didn’t plan to keep you here for much longer and that he had told you that your sister still cares about you, she was just busy with college and stuff. Yes, Heeseung. The person who had been accompanying you through this hellhole all this time. If it wasn't because of him, you'd turn into a living corpse with no one beside you. Since the rain incident, you didn’t expect for one bit that he would do all what he said under the rain..

But he did, he promised and he did exactly what he said.

And so here you are in the hospital, you will be here for a few weeks to undergo your treatment. Just like what Heeseung said, it won’t take long and they just have to do a few tests and your mom assured you that you just needed some time to rest.

You heard a knock from the door, revealing Heeseung with a box of food in his hands.

“What are you now, my nanny?”

“Maybe,” Heeseung chuckled.

If you had told the you three weeks ago that you and Heeseung would have gotten this close, she wouldn’t believe it all. In fact she would laugh at you to death and wouldn’t even believe a single word you said. But here you are now, joking with Heeseung and spending a lot of time with him. He had been visiting you along with your parents, and then coming back secretly at night to spend time with you with the reason that he doesn’t want you to be alone. At first, you were wary around him however you eventually ease up around him in which he jokingly mentions about it in one of your conversations.

"Here a flower for you," Heeseung playfully picks a flower from the garden and puts it beside your ear. "You look so pretty." He whispered to himself but you managed to hear it.

"Are you flirting? Because if you are, I'm going to tell unnie about it."

"Jeez, what's so bad about calling you pretty. Even Chaewon would say the same." He frowned, in which you chuckled about how adorable he looks.

"I doubt that." you look at your reflection on the window, "Unnie doesn't even want to look at me now. Because of my stupid arm, stupid condition and my stupid hallucinations."

"Don't let it get through you,"

"Hm?"

"Your sister might be mad and all but she still cares for you, I can see that. That's why I'm here to take care of you, for her."

"So you must get well soon, I really don't know what's happening between you and your sister. However, if you really love her then you must try."

"I don't know.. Heeseung." you shook your head slowly.

"It's okay, I'm here right?" he strokes your cheek with his fingers, "I'll be right here beside you unlike that old woman, but you just have to prove it to them. Just show it to them, take your meds and all those treatment."

"Your sister would see how hard you're trying to get better, and with that, she'll no longer be upset with you."

"Really?"

He hummed in response, pulling you into his embrace, "and everything will be go back to the way it was soon, and I promise you that."

And you listened to him, you don't know where are you getting those hallucinations but if you are getting it then, there must just be something wrong with you. So you have to get better, for the sake of your sister.

He would continue on visiting you with your family, with or without them, he’ll come back bringing extra foods, some ornaments, and book stories for him to read for you. In which you protested that you are not a kid, but he insisted since it will calm you down and won’t make your days in the hospital boring as hell.

—

The door to your room opens quite loud, making you roll your eyes as to who doesn’t have the basic manners to knock first.

“(Name)!” but your eyes widened when you realized who the voice came from, your smile grew so wide when you finally turned around to see who it was.

“Chaeryeong!” she run to you in small hops and pulled you in a hug.

“How have you been? I miss you so much!!” Chaeryeong pouted with her eyebrows knitted together, as she sat beside you.

“I miss you more..” you exclaimed, hugging her again.

“Yah, what’s wrong with your face? You look like a corpse.” She cupped your cheeks with her hands as her cheerful face was replaced with concern.

“Really?”

“Yeah, look. Bish, why aren’t you looking after yourself?” She pulled out her phone, using the camera app for you to look at yourself, and she was right. You somehow look sick, with your face pale and your lips dry.

“Tch, you never know if there’s a hot nurse here so at least make yourself look presentable, duh.” she sighs exaggeratingly, making you laugh.

“Not everything has to be about boys!” you flick her forehead making her wince in pain.

“Yeah, yeah. Oh- here.” she pulled out a box of chocolate bars from her bag, “Ta-da! I bought this for you!”

“Chocolates!” you exclaimed, taking one chocolate bar and munching it happily.

“What’s wrong?” you asked through your mouthful of chocolates after noticing a change of Chaeryeong’s expression. “Is my mouth dirty?”

“N-no! You just really look like a corpse, duh.” she chuckled, “You should really take care of yourself, (Name).”

“I am, don’t worry.” you smiled happily.

Words can’t express how your heart feels so happy to see your best friend, after all she was your only friend. The friend who was by your side as you grew up even when she never really took actions to those people who bullied you in school, but you can’t really blame her because they might target her and bully her too, and you don’t want that to happen so you once told her to stay away from you but she didn’t. You still remember when she would come secretly to your house, and spend time with you doing stupid but fun things, bringing you everywhere with her and you were really grateful for that. Because of her, you knew how it feels like to have a friend.

A true friend.

—

“Oh, did someone visit?” Heeseung asked, bringing a tray of food.

“Yea, my bestie. She just left, didn’t you see her?”

“No I didn't.” he shrugged, placing the tray of food on your desk.

“Weird. Shouldn’t she have passed the other way-?”

“Prob an invisible person like you,”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, your bestie right? Must be a crackhead like you too.” he jokes.

“Shut up!” laughter filled the room, along with the sunlight creeping in and the fresh air of the garden coming in. The door to your room opens, revealing an old nurse holding a tray of syringes. You immediately caught on that it was for the blood test. Heeseung excused himself saying he'll come back again, and you nodded in response.

“It’s going to hurt a bit.” the old nurse gave you a sweet smile, in which you also smile in return,

“It’s okay.” you observed as the needle was pushed into your skin, drawing blood from it as the syringe quickly filled up.

—

Finally, today was the day. You can finally go back home.

Home.

Packing your bags, your heart were jumping in excitement but with a lingering sadness that you will soon meet your sister again, everything she said and everything she did all was coming back to you again. Shaking your head, you decided not to dwell on it. After all, everything was just a misunderstanding, right? You will come back home, meet your sister and explain everything, and everything will be fine again. It has been a few weeks now, so your sister must be no longer upset right?

Right?

Forcing yourself to smile, reassuring yourself that everything will be okay. Even with fear lingering in your heart, it’s best to stay positive. Yes, stay positive. You gaze out of the window, the clear blue sky making you remember all the happy memories you had with your sister, you look down, touching the necklace she had given to you which you are wearing right now.

Now with your smile being genuine, a new sense of hope filled you up.

The door to your room opens, you turn around happy that your parents were finally here but to your surprise, it wasn’t them. Instead, it was your psychiatrist.

“What.. are you doing here?” you raised your eyebrows, curious with her amused expression.

“Going home?” she chuckles, “I fear it won’t happen, my sweetheart.”

“W-what are you saying?”

“Ah..” she let out a heavy sigh. “It's no doubt you’re a kleptomaniac, but..?” letting out a giggle.

“W-what?”

“I can’t believe you were taking drugs, sweetheart. A kleptomaniac and a druggie? What a perfect combination.” she giggled.

“What the fuck are you saying?” you cried out. A thousand times you had asked the same thing. And all of them were outside your knowledge. Things you didn’t do, they all accused you. And every time they asked that, it buries the hole inside your heart more way bigger than it was before.

“Are you taking drugs or what?” Chaeryeong giggled.

Memories of Chaeryeong instantly flashes through you, it can’t be true. You’ve never taken drugs, not even once. So how?

You saw your parents go in through the door with disappointment and anger written on their face, along with your sister following behind them. Your mom immediately walks closer to you, slapping your arm, weeping in disappointment.

“When!? When did you do it!?” she cried out, with tears in her eyes. You remain silent, still shocked over what was revealed. You look over at your dad and your sister, you had expected a series of questions from your dad and your sister, but they didn’t. They were silent. Disappointment painted on their face.

“(Name)!! When? When did you start doing that? (Name)!!” your mom asked, with tears in her eyes, completely disappointed over the ‘truth’.

“I didn’t!!” you exclaimed. “When can I even get a drug!?”

“Stop lying! Is this how we raise you!?” your mom yelled.

“M-mom!!” you cried out so hard,

“Why the hell do you keep believing what they say!? Why not me!?” you yelled at them at the top of your lungs, tears welling up in your eyes once again.

“I told you I never took drugs!”

“Then why is it in your blood!?”

“I dont know!!” you cried out.

“Enough, honey.” your dad sighed, the disappointment was evident in his eyes as he gazed coldly at you, making your soul run cold. The last time he ever looked at you that way was back in the hospital, when you were the sole reason for what happened to your sister.

“What should we do now?” Your dad asked your therapist.

“I suggest she should stay here for a bit more..”

“W-what? .. No!” your eyes widened, yelling at her.

“It’s necessary since (Name)’s condition is really getting serious.”

“Mom! Dad!” you walked closer to them, “You can’t!”

“Kleptomaniac, self harming, and not to mention the drugs. It’s dangerous.”

“Shut the fuck up!!” you turned around, attacking her.

“You’re lying! I never took drugs, bitch!! You’re bullshitting me!!” you screamed at the top of your lungs as emotions completely took over you.

“Are you all fools!? What’s happening to all of you?” clenching your jaw as you glared at them.

Few nurses came in, pulling you away from your psychiatrist. But you fought, you won’t stop, your parents were horrified to see your maniac state.

“No! I wanna go home! Mom, Dad!” you cried out, “Why wouldn’t you trust me!? They’re all lying!!”

Home.

You just wanna go home. That’s all you wanted. But instead of home and warmth, it was replaced with fear and betrayal. Your hope shattered to pieces. You no longer felt safe. Trust was completely gone in your parent’s eyes as you tried to reach out your arms to them, even your mom who had initially told you that she would be there for you had turned her eyes away, ignoring you as you were being pulled out from the room by the nurses.

“I trust you, (Name).” memory of Heeseung flashes to you as tears fall down to your cheeks, “Heeseung..”

“Where is he?” you looked around, searching for him. And then through the door, your sister appeared with Heeseung. You would’ve been safe when it was your sister but no, you knew she doesn’t trust you and so your gaze fell on him; the him who appeared like an angel.

“What are you doing!? Get off of her!” he yelled at them, pushing all of them away from you. And just like you when you were a child, looking for a warm embrace from your psychiatrist.

“Please hug me!” your little self cried out, raising both your arms to look for that warm embrace. But you were left standing there all alone by yourself, as the one who had promised to be by your side, was just standing there staring at you with a blank expression.

“Apologize right now!” a woman scolded you, “Where’s your parents!?”

“Stop lying! If you keep that shitty attitude, just what kind of girl are you growing up to someday!?”

You raise both your arms, in which he took it pulling you in a hug. A soft, warm, and home-like embrace.

“You’re hurting her! Are you fucking serious right now!?” you cried in his arms.

“I wanna go home!” you cried out, gripping Heeseung’s cardigan.

“Shh, it’s okay.” Heeseung comforts you who were shaking in fear. His warmth was the only thing that’s keeping you sane right now.

Then you watched as your sister, your parents were talking with your psychiatrist. You couldn’t hear anything, as your head grew dizzy and your vision getting blurry. But even with all of that, you could still see their face, disappointment clearly written on their face.

And just like that. . .

You could only watch as everything had completely fallen apart in front of you. Your parents, your sister, your life; everything was falling apart. Today was supposed to be the day you should’ve went home, back to your home and the coziness of your bed, to make things better again with your sister and apologize to her for everything. Go to school again and hang out with Chaeryeong, for things to be the way they used to be. But how funny it was when you can only watch as they walk out from the door, leaving you, again. Why were you even surprised? Nothing seems to change after all, you thought.

“I’ll be back..” Heeseung whispered into your ears, your grip started to loosen on his arms as he stood up and let go of you slowly.

Hanging your head low slightly, biting your lips to stop yourself from crying even more. With your hands clenching the material of your pants, and your body was shaking. You were helpless, unable to do anything as your family had decided to keep you in the hospital for god knows how long.

—

You cried, you cried and cried for how long god knows. All alone in your room with only the bright moonlight accompanying you, you hugged yourself trying to search for warmth. The same warmth that came from Heeseung. You looked up, getting up from your bed and went glancing outside your window to look for any signs of Heeseung but he wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Heart sinking in disappointment, you went back to bed. He should've come around this hour like he always did, so where was he? Doesn’t he trust you anymore? Did they change his mind? Has his view on you changed the moment he walked out the door?

Then you heard hasty footsteps approaching, and you immediately knew who it was. Your eyes lit up observing as the door pulled open with Heeseung going in. And you immediately ran towards him, hugging him. His arms wrapped around your waist as he leans into your neck, telling you it's okay. His soft voice instantly soothes you like a mother’s voice to her child, feeling his warmth on yours, you sighed in contentment.

“I’m sorry, I was late wasn't i?” you cried in his arms, not saying anything. “I’m sorry, i’m sorry.”

“I thought you don’t trust me anymore. That’s why you’re not coming.”

“Hush, don’t say that.”

“But it’s true, no one trusted me. Not even Mom, dad. Not even Unnie.”

“They’re probably just shocked to hear about it.”

“But still they didn’t trust me..” you cried again.

“It’s okay, i’m here. I trust you. I won’t leave you.” he hugged you even tighter, now sitting on the floor with you on his chest like a child would to its mother.

—

“If it’s okay to ask, how did you get that?” you notice that he was actually mentioning about the scars on your upper left arm.

You kept silent, a bit hesitant to tell the truth. Noticing your hesitation, he stroked your hand giving you a small smile, “You know you don’t have to tell me right? It’s okay.”

“I did it.”

“It was because of my sickness.”

“Growing up, I always felt the urge to steal. To take something that I don't own, I never wanted to do it but I couldn't. I wanted to stop. But I couldn't. It wasn’t easy, no. It was never easy. It was hard, very hard. They took me to the psychiatrist, to cure my condition. At first, my parents were hopeful. All of them. But then, i don’t know when, when i caught them with that gaze, my heart dropped. I thought at that time, have they given up on me? Are they embarrassed about me? That it embarrassed my sister about it, not only her. My entire family. But really was it my fault? That I was born with this condition?” you cried out, “Because of something i can’t control, they don’t like me at all.”

“And because of my condition, no one really wanted to be my friend. They call me a thief. But it was fine, it was fine. It was okay, I could live through it. It doesn’t matter at all, maybe.”

“But then, something happened that really made me feel angry. For once, I wanted to show them that I'm angry. That if they want to treat me like that, then so be it. I wanted to ruin something and so I did.”

“However, I never expected that my sister would hurt herself. I swear. They blamed me, they told me that I was the reason, and I feel really guilty. I hated myself for stealing, I hated the fact that I had this condition in the very first place, no. I hated that I was even born in the first place!”

“You never change,' my dad told me that. It was because of you. It’s you, it was you. Mom said that. It hurts. Okay. Let’s say it was my fault, but have they ever think how hurt I felt when they blamed me for something I can't control!? That guy. Unnie. Everyone. They made me hate myself. It’s not like I wanted it! I also wanted to stop!”

“I tried everything! I go to my therapist! I searched for many ways to stop stealing. But it never works! And I feel really helpless at that point.”

“When I got the urge to steal again. I hated that. And so I did it. I took a pen and stabbed my arm. Whenever I felt the urge to steal, I did it. Whenever I find myself staring at someone’s stuff, I stab my arm with it. When I tried to touch someone’s stuff, I did it again. I do it again, over and over again. Reminding myself that this was the pain my sister felt, this was the pain my family had felt all because of my condition, all because of me.”

“But it hurts!” you cried out, Heeseung immediately pulled you into his chest, warming you with his embrace as you struggled to talk, trying to take out the words. The pain you felt in your chest.

“I-i r-remind myself that this pain was what they felt over and over again because of me. And if I want this to st-stop, then I should stop myself from st-stealing.”

“And it works. I finally did it. I was happy. But the wound never goes away. But it was fine, I told myself. Everyone was happy that I was cured. They were happy, I was happy that they finally saw me as someone, someone who doesn’t steal. But you know, some of them still look at me the same way..”

“But it's okay!” you sniffed, shaking your head. “It doesn’t matter! I have my sister! I have my family. They believed me now! So it’s okay!”

Gritting your teeth as your lips tremble, “But what now!? All of those bullshit things. That fucking necklace, drugs and this fucking wounds! This!”

“I was afraid that if they saw it. Something worse could happen. Even if I told them, it’s not like they would understand! And guess what? They really didn’t.”

“It’s okay, shh. It’s okay.” Heeseung cried alongside with you, the moonlight shine on you two as you cried in each other’s arms.

“I’m tired..” you sighed in Heeseung’s arms, “It’s so tiring.. Everything.”

And with that, you finally dozed off on Heeseung’s arms with tears in your eyes falling down to your cheeks. Heeseung raised his other hand to your hair, softly stroking it with his fingers till it reached your cheek, wiping off the tears.

“It’s okay..” he softly says, resting his chin on your head, “It will end soon..”

—

Starting from that day on, your parents rarely visited. Heeseung told you that they were completely disappointed in you that they couldn’t just bring themselves to look at you, he can’t help but tell you that because he doesn’t want you to keep thinking why they weren’t visiting. As much as it hurts, you were grateful that he told you the truth.

It’s better that you weren’t fooling yourself.

Reading the book Heeseung gave you, was the very last thing that made you sane in this hospital. You don’t know how long you would stay here, however you wish it would pass soon. Ever since that day, you and Heeseung grew more and more closer. You had trusted him and grew to love him for he was always there by your side.

Yes. You’ve started to love him and you don’t know how and when. But somewhere along in those days, you started to look at him in a different way.

You really didn’t expect that it could turn out like this but for once, you didn’t regret it. However, even though you loved him, you still won’t betray your sister because of him. You were just grateful that he was there by your side, and that he did as he promised. He didn’t break it, and you appreciated that. Who could think that the boy you were planning to mess around with through a dating app turns out to be the person who will defend you from everything? Upon realizing that, you felt a sense of guilt towards him that you even accused him of something that he didn’t do, and that you insulted him and possibly could’ve hurted him over it. Because of your stupid hallucinations, you almost ruined their relationship. Sighing, how could you even be able to take drugs? When and how?

Was it possible that someone could’ve drugged you? But who?

“Miss?” you got snapped out of your thoughts when a male nurse waved his hand through your face, “You have to take your meds.”

“Oh, right.” you smiled, and swallowed your meds along with the water. “Thank you.”

Then you notice him blushing, in which you tilted your head which he immediately caught on raising his hand to his cheeks covering it,

“Ah, it’s nothing, sorry!”

“You’re just so pretty, I'm sorry if that sounds weird.” curving his lips up in an awkward manner, as you laugh it off finding it cute.

“It’s fine!” you smiled. You then heard a knock on the door, with Heeseung leaning against it. The nurse then immediately took his leave, bowing his head slightly to you with a smile on his face. You observed as Heeseung walked past the nurse, and somehow you saw something on his expression that you can’t seem to guess but it was immediately replaced with a cheerful smile when his eyes fell on you, making your heart flutter.

“I see, you got an admirer?” Heeseung asked, with a grin on his face.

“It’s none of your business.” You rolled your eyes, in which he shrugged in response.

“Where have you been by the way?” you asked.

“From your house, I actually have a date with Chaewon today so I fear I can't really accompany you today, (Name).”

“Oh..” your shoulder fell, a bit disappointed over what you heard.

“I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you next time okay?”

“N-no! Why would you? I told you right, treat my sister well. That’s all I’m asking.”

“Are you sure? Won’t you feel alone?”

“God, it’s not like I'm a child. Just go!”

“Alright, but I promise I’ll really make it up to you.” He raised his hand, stroking your cheek. For some reason, you loved it. You loved his touch, leaning in to feel his warm hands more.

—

Gazing out of the window, you let out a heavy sigh as it feels too lonely. You were really lonely, Heeseung was in fact, the only one who had spent his time talking with you and comforting you.

The lights from all the buildings weren’t enough to make you feel better, after all Heeseung was always here to accompany you and read bed stories to you. Even though you hated it, the fact that he read bed stories to you makes you feel like you’re a child. It actually helps you feel better, and also when he sings a lullaby for you. You grew to love his voice, it was soothing and heavenly-like. Suddenly, you hear a knock from your door, immediately turning your head happy that Heeseung is finally here.

But your shoulder fell in disappointment, as it was only the female nurse who often brings you meds during her nightly shift. She bowed her head slightly upon meeting your gaze, in which you nodded in response. She quietly walks over to you, bringing a tray of a glass of water and a bottle of meds.

“Is.. um, Heeseung here?” you asked without much thought, mentally cursing yourself for even asking that. How could she have possibly known? You held the need to roll your eyes.

“Heeseung?” the nurse tilted her head in confusion, “Ah! That guy? Heeseung?”

You nodded your head, still delighted that she caught up quick.

“Unfortunately I can’t see him anywhere, miss. It’s a bit late now.”

You sighed upon hearing that, a bit disappointed over the fact that Heeseung’s really not going to come today. But why were you even surprised? Heck, why were you even disappointed? For what? You scoffed with your own thoughts.

The nurse then places the tray on your small desk, handing you a glass of water and a pill in which you obliged. Sighing as you stare at the meds on your palm, you’re getting crazy aren’t you?

“Is he your boyfriend?”

The words snapped you out from your deep thought as you turned to look at the nurse, “Huh? Who?”

“The guy Heeseung.”

Upon hearing the words, you immediately let out a soft laugh. “N-no! He’s just a friend.”

“Ah.. I see.”

“Why are you asking?” you smiled, “Do you like him?”

“No! Of course not!” you let out a chuckle as the nurse raised both her hands as if to defend herself. “Not with that attitude..”

“Hm?”

“Um, I'm not so sure if I could say it.”

“Nah, it’s okay. You can tell me anything.”

—

After the conversation with the nurse, you went to the hospital’s garden. Your mind was still lingering on what she said, about Heeseung and the way he acts around the people in the hospital. She told you that Heeseung was a completely different person when she accidentally bumped into him the other day, and just like what every person should do, she apologized. However, the response she received surprised her.

“Fucking annoying.” was what she heard from Heeseung who was glaring at her, ignoring her apologies and went on his way.

You were actually hesitant to believe what she said, even when she told you that the rest of the nurses also said the same. His cold, and somewhat rude attitude that really surprises them even with how good-looking he looks, his attitude just wasn’t it. However, you still find it hard to believe. You couldn’t. Not when he did all those things for you. Being by your side, accompanying you when you need someone, and defending you when no one does. You had expected that from your sister, but instead Heeseung took the responsibility. You pass it off as a misunderstanding, sure the nurse wasn’t lying, but Heeseung must’ve been in a bad mood at that time. It just happens at the wrong time, you thought.

Gazing at the dark sky, you sighed as there were no stars to be found on them. You’ve always loved to gaze at the stars whenever you feel bored, alone or just for the sake of watching them. However, the stars weren’t there to accompany you. Today was really lonely, isn't it?

Letting out another heavy sigh, you stood up getting ready to go back inside the hospital. But your breath hitched when you saw someone standing from your peripheral view, instantly turning your head to see the person. But the stranger immediately left as if to avoid being caught by you, making your eyes widen in fractions. Who was that?

Without much thought, you followed the stranger, silently catching up to them. You peek at the edge of the wall, and the stranger’s back facing you. By the figure, you caught on that it was a guy wearing a black hoodie and long black pants. Then it hit you.

The one who was stalking you on that day. On the day of the party, after you fought with your sister. When you got that text. When you sense it. That was him. A whole new courage fills you up as you wanted to know who it was, and since this was the hospital. It won’t be much trouble to ask for help. Within a split second, you immediately sprint towards the stranger, launching yourself on him and kicking him on his back.

Hovering upon him, “Yah! Who the fuck are you!? What are you doing here!?” you tried to pull off his hoodie to see his face but he pulled it back trying to keep it to it’s place.

“Show your face! Goddamnit!” You kicked him on his back again, resulting in him groaning. Then he instantly pushes himself up with his hands making you fall backwards, and the stranger immediately runs away from you sprinting inside the hospital. “For fuck’s sake!!

And of course, you chase after him going inside the hospital going past the long hallway that was almost completely empty since it was already past midnight. The hallway was dark and only the lights from the slightly opened doors of each room shine through the hospital’s floor. You halt your steps, catching a breath, you lose him. Mentally cursing yourself, you can’t let him go.

But then you saw a dark silhouette passing a bit farther from you, “You!”

You chase after him inside one of the dark rooms he went into, silently walking inside. To your dismay, you tried to turn on the lights but it wasn’t working. Only the moonlight was bright enough to lighten the room just enough for you to see the medical stuff on the huge desk. Just then you hear footsteps slowly walking behind you, your heartbeat suddenly quickens after you realize just what kind of situation you put yourself into.

Hands shaking as you swallow into your throat, you immediately take the nearest object behind you; a metal tray, to smash to the stranger's head, twisting your torso to land the impact on him but to your dismay, he quickly dodges it and kicks the tray off your hands. Strong pair of arms immediately pulled your arms, your back coming into contact with his chest, he caged you in between his arms.

Adrenaline quickly fills your body as you trashed around, trying to escape from the stranger’s grasp but he was too strong, now with his right hand on your mouth preventing you from screaming. Only muffled screams can be heard amidst the silence inside the room you were both in.

‘Heeseung!’ you pressed your eyes shut, you felt nothing but fear, hoping for Heeseung to appear and save you.

“C-calm down! I’m not trying to hurt you!” the stranger spoke behind you, your eyes shoots open as soon as you heard it, his voice. It was familiar.

“Stop moving!”

“Trust me! Please! Just stop moving and I'll release you!” you immediately complied, in which he actually releases you from his grip. But you scoffed, taking another glass bottle and hitting him on his head, completely shattering it to pieces.

“Fuck! Why did you hit me!” he groaned in pain.

“Freak! Stalker!”

“Huh!?”

“Why were you stalking me!?” you yelled at the top of your lungs, in which his eyes grew wide, clearly shocked over what you said.

“I can explain!”

“Explain what? What is there left to explain!?” you grit your teeth, feeling nothing but anger. “You’re insane!”

“No! Push that away! It’s dangerous!”

“Now you know, huh!? Scared? I was scared too when you fucking chase me the other day!”

“I had a reason for that! Please, hear me out!”’

Silence.

“Please. . .” he kneeled down on the floor, clasping his hands together.

It was silence for quite a moment, trying to think of what to do with him.

“Fine. Let’s see what you got.” You lowered the shattered bottle, still gripping it tightly in case he ever plans something funny.

“Lee Heeseung.”

“What?”

“Don’t trust that guy, he’s fooling you and your sister.”

“What the fuck are you saying!?” you spat out, eyes widened.

—

“Yo, earth to (Name)?” you were immediately pulled out from your daydream when Heeseung suddenly appeared in front of you, sitting on the bed just a few inches away. With an amused expression on his goddamn handsome face, he leans in. “What were you thinking about, huh?”

“N-nothing, since when were you here?”

A low chuckle left his mouth, giving you sudden chills, “Gosh, (Name). I have been here since a few minutes ago, you just didn’t hear me.”

You swallowed your throat, as you let out “Ah.. sorry, I didn’t realize.”

“It’s fine, at least I got the chance to see your pretty face.” a sweet smile adorns his face as he said that, making you blush slightly.

“Why are you here then?” you asked.

“Why? Can’t I?” he raised his eyebrow, in which your breath hitched.

“N-nothing, you weren’t this early before. Don’t you have any class today?”

“I do, but of course I have to check up on you. I feel guilty, y’know?” his eyes were filled with guilt as he looked at you.

“I told you, you don’t have to.” you looked down to your hands, avoiding his gaze. You don't know what to believe.

"That guy you've been spending time with all this time-"

"Here, I bought this for you!" Heeseung sat beside you, bringing a box of chocolates.

"—Is a liar."

"(Name)?" you look up to Heeseung, immediately extending your hand in which he happily places the box on your palm. Your heart fluttering as you see his cheerful smile.

"And you wanna know why you got that blood results where it says you've taken drugs?"

"Because that guy, Lee Heeseung.."

You pull the cover of the box on your hand, opening the cover which had delicious chocolate bars sprinkled with toppings on it.

"Was drugging you all this time, and you have no single idea about it.”

“Bullshit.” you spat out, “Why should I believe you?”

“I knew you would say that..'' the boy let out a small chuckle, as if he had really expected for you to say that, “They always give you meds right? What if I tell you those meds weren't to cure you?”

“W-what?”

“What if I tell you those meds you were taking all this time.. Was drugs?”

—

You immediately turned your head at the door after hearing the knock, and to your surprise, the new male nurse who had given you meds wasn’t here, instead it’s the old female nurse. The same nurse who had drawn blood from you before, but now she was bringing the meds for you.

“Um.. Where’s the nurse from yesterday?”

“Oh, he had taken a leave for the day. And so I was here to fill in the empty spot.” She smiled warmly at you, handing you the glass water along with the pill.

“Don’t take those, I’m telling you. Those are drugs.”

You stared at the pills for what seemed like a few minutes, when the nurse immediately called for you, snapping you out of your thoughts. Nodding in response, you took the pill while drinking it along with the water. But unbeknownst to the nurse, you only swallowed the pill to some extent.

After she left, you put your finger inside your mouth, spitting it out in the process. You don’t know why you were even believing that stalker, however because of the drugs you knew you never took, you couldn’t help but believe him.

—

“Why are you helping me?” you asked without much thought, when EJ finally appeared again sitting against the door with his hands on his pockets, and his head slightly hanging low as if to avoid your gaze.

You observed how hesitant he was to answer your question at first, knitting your eyebrows as you waited for him to reply. He sighed, finally opening his mouth.

Your jaw dropped when he told you that the first time he had seen you was at Heeseung’s party. That he was there among the students, seeing the entire commotion you had with the Lee siblings. That ever since that incident you had with the Lee siblings, he had watched over you. He saw everything, the fight you had with your sister after the party, the hallucinations you got, and even the drug incident, he saw everything. He told you that he actually doesn’t believe the entire ordeal, and when they accused you of stealing Heemin’s necklace. It just didn’t sit well with him, but he could only watch as it wasn’t his business in the first place.

“If it wasn’t your business in the first place, then why are you here?”

“Because you’re Chaewon’s sister..”

“Huh?”

“I.. like her.” your jaw dropped again when you heard his confession, “And I can’t let her get fooled by that piece of shit.”

“How?”

“Heeseung, that guy.. Has a petty game with his friends, and their target was Chaewon. The dare was to ..” He paused for a moment, as if he couldn't let the word out, “To do something to Chaewon and get a pic of it..”

Your heart sank the moment those words left his mouth, rage started to fill in your veins.

“How the fuck did you know about it?”

“..I accidentally heard it from Heeseung’s friends when I passed them.”

“And how the hell can I trust you about it?” you raised your head, looking up to him. “That you weren’t fooling me or some shit?”

"How do I know that you're not accusing H-heeseung?" You stuttered,

“I wouldn't lie about this. I swear. Because I care for her!” EJ yelled, “I care for Chaewon."

You went silent, not knowing what to say. Your lack of response made him feel uneasy,

"The moment I knew about what they were doing, I couldn’t just let that happen to her. And so I went to the party, to watch over her so nothing can happen. But instead..-” He paused after seeing your expression.

“I’m telling you, I knew you didn’t steal it.”

‘How the fuck?” you scoffed in disbelief. This guy who’s a complete stranger, believes you? What a joke, not even your beloved sister believes a word you said. So how could he?

“Because I went through the same thing too when I was a kid,” a low scoff left his mouth. “It wasn’t a good memory. And I’m telling you, I know how you feel. But don’t let it get through you, you know? I saw how you went through all of it for the past few weeks ago-”

Your eyes widened upon hearing what he said, “W-what do you mean?”

“To be honest, I don’t know what you were doing, I assumed you were looking for someone? but I was just checking on you after the incident.. It just didn’t feel right to leave you all alone after what happened.. And I was right, you randomly passed out on the street-”

“Wait, you were there!?”

“Yeah, and I had to carry you all the way to the shop which was.. A bit tiring-”

“Shut up.” You spat out, in which he chuckled.

“Although I have to admit, you really got that determination, don't you? You still got up even after you got sick on the street.”

“Wait, was that you?” your mouth hangs slightly low, surprised that it was him. Then you quickly look at his wrist, that watch. The same watch, it was him.

“Was it that surprising?” He chuckles, “You shouldn’t really push yourself that hard though, Chaewon won’t be really happy with it.”

“I don’t know..” you said in a low voice, gazing out of the window.

“If you really wanted to help then why don’t you tell her yourself?”

Then he scoffed, "You think I didn't? Of course I did. But she won't believe me! She completely believes that guy."

"She told me I was lying and that I was trying to ruin their relationship.".... “That’s why I’m also here, because you’re Chaewon’s sister and I have to tell you about it-”

“So you want me to tell her instead?” you gestured towards yourself.

“Yeah-”

You scoffed, “Then you’re so wrong, even my sister doesn’t believe me so it’s all pointless.”

“But are you really going to let her get fooled by them?”

“Of course not!” You glared at him, he smiled in response, taking a deep breath.

““And you know what?” he looked at you again, “It didn’t really sit well with me that Heeseung was defending you over everything.

"Just be very careful around him."

“How can I be sure that this is a drug and that he was drugging me?” you showed him the pill on your palm.

“Since I was curious about where you might’ve been, like I didn’t really see you anywhere,I found out that you got admitted here. But then I saw him, with that old lady. That nurse-” it suddenly hits you when flashbacks of the nurse who drew blood from you for the blood tests. Eyes wide as you look at him, “He gave something to the nurse, at first it didn’t really bother me.. But then I keep seeing them once in a while, doing the same thing over and over again.”

You gulped, unable to believe what you had just heard. “But why would he do that?”

“I don’t know.. But whatever he’s planning, it’s clearly not good.”

"I really don't know if I can trust you about that.." a part of you refuses to believe that Heeseung was doing that to you. Not when he had already been by your side, protecting you from everything. It can't be.

"Wait, do you like him?" Your eyes widened when you heard that from him.

"No, I don't." EJ hummed in response, believing you so fast. Cause afterall,

"Okay, I know this is hard to believe. But really, I swear if I'm lying. You'll know. So please believe me."

"If your hallucinations and everything still doesn’t stop even when you no longer take those meds, then I'll leave. So please.." EJ begging you with his eyes, his jaw clenching as he looks for any response from you.

Believe me. That sentence echoes through your mind. The same sentence that you often say but were ignored. Looking at EJ's eyes, what could go possibly wrong in believing him? You'll eventually find out whether he's lying about the drugs or not. “So what are we going to do now?” you asked.

“I’ll help you.”

“How?”

“I’ll help you get out of this place, as soon as I can. It will take awhile, but after we get you out. We have to take your sister as well, and then we’ll tell her everything.”

“That’s gonna take a hell lot of work.” You scoffed, you just knew what would happen again once you meet your sister. She is far too lovesick with Heeseung for her to even believe you, but..

“But we can’t give up so easily, right?” he raised his eyebrow, waiting for your response. You stare at him for a while and then nodded in response, in which he smiled.

"What's your name by the way?" you asked suddenly.

"Me?" He pointed at himself, you nodded again. "god, how did I even forget that. EJ, just call me EJ."

"EJ.." you said it in a low voice, taking his name in.

—

Since then, EJ has been visiting you secretly. And you tried your best to avoid eating the ‘meds’ the nurse has been giving you. It goes on for about a few days like this, and what he said was true. Your headaches, and everything was gone. Looking at yourself in the mirror, you notice how you look so much better than before. Was it really true? Was Heeseung really drugging you?

You wanted to believe EJ,

But the hardest part was Heeseung himself, even when he visits sometimes because he’s getting busy with his studies, the fact that you still have to pretend like you know nothing while talking with him hurts you. You wanted to ask, why? Why was he doing it? And for some reason, you wanted to ask him yourself if it was true or not, you wanted to hear it from his own mouth, and that he’ll say no. Your heart and your mind were in chaos as you felt both anger and sadness.

Anger because of that fucking deal he had with his friends, clenching your fists as to how he were capable to plan such thing to your sister.

But then came your sadness, your heart broken that all his cheerful smiles and all the things he did for you was all fake. Because you were still in denial, unable to accept it.

You don’t know what to do. The complete difference of how ‘innocent’ he looks sometimes makes you doubt EJ, just how can Heeseung do that to you? Why would he? For what?

You stare at Heeseung’s back as he was fixing the flower pots on the window, the sunlight shines over his face making him look so ethereal and angelic, you couldn’t believe that he was even capable of doing such a thing. You really don’t want to.

“Heeseung?” you finally let out, after a moment of hesitance.

“Hm?” he hummed in response, turning his head to look at you. Your heart immediately stops, after seeing those innocent eyes.

‘Is it true?’ you pressed your lips tight, asking the question in your head as he stares at you, waiting for you to say something. ‘That you were drugging me?’

“Is there something wrong?” his soft voice snaps you out from your dilemma, tilting his head as his eyebrows were knit together along with his concern expression.

“N-nothing!” you blurted out, smiling wide.

“Are you sure?”

You nodded with a cheerful smile on your face, assuring him that it was nothing. He lets out a small ‘okay’, smiling sweetly to you in return, turning his attention back to the flower pots. Your face falls, the smile leaving your face, when you realize just what you had initially thought to ask him.

—

You gaze out of the window once again, sighing heavily because you were still in a dilemma. Today was finally the day EJ would come and take you out of the hospital, and you were supposed to be happy about it, happy that you were no longer stuck in this hell, however you feel guilty that you’re going to leave without Heeseung knowing about it. Biting your lips, you mentally cursed yourself as to why you were still thinking about him? Why won’t you still believe the fact that he was doing all those stuffs behind you and your sister?

Why? Why? Why?

“(Name)?” you were immediately snapped out of your deep thoughts when EJ appears beside you. “We have to go now.”

Extending his hand for you to grab it, you hesitated for a moment in which he notices but he patiently waits. Clearing your throat, you nodded, taking his hands as he guided you out of the door and all the way till you finally exited the hospital. The cold air greeting you along with the night sky, you somehow felt uneasy, afraid that something soon might happen.

“I know you’re worried, but it’s okay. You can trust me.” EJ grips your hand just slightly, enough to warm your hand. “After this, we’ll meet your sister, ok?”

You nodded, reassuring yourself with his words. You’re doing this for your sister, yes. You were doing it for her, you can’t let her get fooled and fall into that hellhole. You can’t, so you have to stay strong and get rid of this feelings, and-

“(Name)?”

As if there was a strong force that immediately pulls you back to its world, you halt your steps, heart beating so fast the moment you hear him. You knew it was him.

“Where are you g- .. You?" unable to turn yourself to look at him in fear that you might end up getting soft-hearted again was eating you, however you still manage to caught on his voice surprised to see EJ. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“(Name), let’s just go.” he ignores Heeseung, pulling you with him as he continues to walk to the street again.

“(Name)! Where are you going!?” he immediately rushes in, grabbing your hand preventing you EJ from pulling you with him any further. “What the fuck you doing here!?”

“Well I don't know, why don’t you ask her?”

“(Name), where are you going with this guy?”

“It’s none of your business, Heeseung. Now please let go.” you lowered your eyes, not wanting to see his face.

“No! Why would i? Let you go? With this guy?” Heeseung exclaimed, “You haven’t known him that long, he could be dangerous for god knows how!”

“And how about you!?”

“W-what?” he knitted his eyebrows together, confused.

“Stop pretending, I knew you were fooling us. Me and my sister!” you scoffed, “I can’t believe it!”

“What are you saying? I don’t understand..”

“Oh god! Stop pretending! We already know!”

“I-i don't understand what you’re saying!”

“For fuck’s sake, stop lying.” EJ spat out.

“Why were you doing that to me?” you cried out, your heart breaking as he looked at you with that innocent eyes.

“What did I do?” … “What else could I be doing!?” Heeseung exclaimed.

“Y-you were drugging me..” you almost want to vomit when you let out those words, and Heeseung’s eyes widened in fraction.

“W-what are you talking about? Drug you? Why would I do that!?” he exclaimed in surprise.

“Ask yourself!” you cried out, “You’re the only one who knows why you were doing such a thing to me!”

“God! (Name)! Why would I even think to do that to you in the first place!? How!? Drug you!?” Heeseung exclaimed, “Who told you that?”

Then he snaps his head into EJ’s direction, “This guy?”

“Why would that even matter? Why? Was it true?’

“I swear to god! No! Why would I drug you? For what?” Heeseung grabs both your arms, pulling you closer to him, “Tell me! You couldn’t possibly believe him, could you?” he looked into your eyes, and your heart felt a hit of pang when you saw how his innocent eyes were breaking in front of you. He seems so innocent. You’ve reminded yourself that he was lying, he’s definitely lying., but why did you feel something that was pulling you towards him? This stupid feelings. And along with all of that, you feel guilty for him.

You couldn’t say anything, as he looked at you with that expression, “(Name), say something.”

“Man, stop with all that bullshit.” EJ finally speaks up, trying to release you from Heeseung’s grasp.

Heeseung aggressively hits his hands away, “What are you trying to do? Why were you spreading lies about me?”

“Lies? So was it a lie that I heard from you back there?” EJ clenched his jaw, approaching him.

“What’s your plan, huh?” Heeseung spat out. Hitting EJ on his chest repeatedly,

“P-plan? I might as well ask you that, what’s your plan? Certainly not something good right?” EJ asked.

“Heeseung, stop!!”

“How could you believe him instead of me!?” “He could be lying for all god knows!” he turned to you again, surprise etched all over his face as he grabbed your arms once again.

“Don’t touch me, I really can’t believe it. You’re a liar. You were fooling us!” you slapped his arms away.

“(name)!” Heeseung exclaimed, tears welling up in his eyes which surprised you. “You can’t do this to me, you just met him and you already believe all that he said!?”

“Just why were you spreading lies about me?” he glares at EJ. “What could I possibly have done to you!”

“Tell me!” Heeseung cried out.

You were shocked to see him cry, it was something new. You’ve never seen him cried, and it breaks your heart to see him that way.

“Don’t you trust me!?” tears keeps flooding down to his cheeks as he looked up to you, you shook your head.

“No..” your heart broke, approaching Heeseung in small steps.

“How could you do this to me? (Name)?” he cried with his hands on his face.

“Don’t! He’s using your words against you.” EJ grabs you from behind, shaking his head. “You should know better! He’s lying!”

“B-but..” you hesitated, looking back and forth to Heeseung and then to EJ.

“Tell me! EJ! I really can’t believe you, just because Chaewon rejects you.. I can’t believe you are trying to get it back on her sister and me!”

“Shut the fuck up, don’t try to make this about that when it’s clearly not.”

“Wait, w-what?” your ears perked up to what Heeseung said.

“You didn’t know? He confessed to Chaewon in front of the public, but she rejected him so bad that we all pity him..” said Heeseung while tears flow down to his cheeks. “But what I wouldn't expect was you were capable of doing something like this! How can you do this to us!?”

“Shut the fuck up!” EJ yelled.

“---So you’re going all over the way here and trying to fool her sister? To fool (Name)? To get back on Chaewon for humiliating you?” Heeseung tilted his head.

“Shut up! Lee Heeseung!”

“W-what? What are you saying?” you look up to EJ, pulling your hand out of his grasp.

“This is not about that!” EJ yelled. “(Name)!”

“Is it true!?” you asked.

He fell silent, and you took a few steps backwards, shocked over the revelation.

“But it was fine for me! Please believe me! That doesn’t change the fact that I still like her or that I want to pay back for what she did, please trust me!”

“(Name)! Don’t believe him! He’s lying. You know better.” Heeseung cried out to you.

You were in a serious dilemma. Who the fuck is lying? Which one? Should you choose the guy who has defended you and trust you all this time? Or the guy who had taken care of you from behind the curtains? Who was lying!? You stood still, as your head started to grow dizzy again, unable to decide.

“God! Don’t believe him, he’s trying to fool you into staying with him!” EJ exclaimed in desperation as he noticed your hesitance,

EJ pulls your arm, "let's go! (name)!"

But Heeseung stops you both, grabbing your hand which EJ was holding too. "You're not going anywhere."

"Let go of her, who are you trying to fool here, huh?" Heeseung aggressively pulls you out from EJ’s grasp, making you wince in pain.

“I should be the one who’s asking you that!” EJ spats out, “You’re obviously turning it all about me, you bastard! (Name), don’t believe what he said! This is not about that!”

Heeseung shakes his head, "I can't believe you're doing this to me, EJ."

“Shut the fuck up! Stop acting so fucking innocent even when you're not!" ” EJ yelled at the top of his lungs, “That’s not what I'm here for! I’m protecting her! From you!”

“Protect her? Who even are you? Her brother? And what would Chaewon think that you’re here? Talking with her sister, and then taking her somewhere.” Heeseung asked, “Fuck, even she would ask you what the fuck you were doing around with (Name).”

“You.” EJ exclaimed, pointing his fingers at Heeseung. “You’re obviously turning things around-”

“(Name)! He’s obviously manipulating you! The more you talk with him, the more-” he approaches you, trying to take your arms. You were in a dilemma. You don’t know who to trust.

“I told you to stay the fuck away!” Heeseung roughly pushed him by his chest, making him take a few steps backwards.

“You stay the fuck away, son of a bitch!” EJ spat out, “I’m not letting (Name) stay with a guy like you!” growing desperate, EJ approaches you again trying to take your arm.

“(Name)! Get back on your senses! We have to go!”

“When i say stay the fuck away, stay the fuck away from her!” Heeseung delivers a strong punch towards EJ’s face, resulting in you screaming.

“Heeseung, stop!”

EJ hissed in pain, wiping off the blood of his mouth

“You’re not going to take her anywhere.” Heeseung spat out, standing in front of EJ. “I can’t believe you, after all we had done for you, you’re doing this!? To Chaewon?”

“I’m doing all of this to protect her from you! You and your stupid deal with your shitty friends!” EJ pointed at him as he stood up again.

“Why are you making up lies about me? What deal? What are you saying? What are you getting from this!?” Heeseung cried out.

“Ah, fuck. Im fucking done with you spewing nonsense shit. Talking won’t get this done-” EJ was so pissed, that he saw nothing but red. He punches Heeseung resulting in him falling on the ground.

“Guys, stop!” you screamed as you approached them both, trying to pull EJ away from Heeseung. “EJ! Stop! Please!”

“Chaewon would be so disappointed in you, that you have to go this far just to get back on her." Heeseung hissed, "EJ! This is not you, you can't betray us like this." Heeseung cries.

"Stop mentioning her name!" He hit him again.

"We thought you change, I really did.. but why?"

"You're such a manipulative piece of shit-" EJ pulls away from your grasp, making you fall backwards on the ground.

He pulls Heeseung by his collar, forcing him to stand up, “I get if you’re mad at Chaewon but you should’t bring her sister over this!”

“Talk to yourself, you piece of shit! I saw everything! I heard everything!” EJ gripped his collar so tight, it starts to choke Heeseung.

"Stop! EJ! Please!" You exclaimed ,your heart aching to see Heeseung get beaten up so badly, why aren't you defending yourself!?

“Okay if you won’t trust me! But (Name), don’t trust this guy either!” EJ exclaimed and turned to look at you, “He’s obviously drugging you! Remember?”

“I can’t believe you..” Heeseung shakes his head upon hearing that , making EJ punch him in the face resulting in him falling on the ground.

You tried to stop them but it seems anything you do or say were left to deaf ears. Things had heated up so much between them and you really don't know what to do already. Your head grows dizzy again, as you knelt to your chest bringing your hands to your head clasping them. Not wanting to hear anything more, you groaned in pain.

“Just please stop..” your vision was growing blurry only being able to see the hazy figure of EJ punching Heeseung on the ground. “It hurts. .”

“(Name)?” They start to notice your horrible state with you on sitting on the floor while putting your hands on your head, as EJ finally pushes Heeseung on the ground, making his way to you.

“(Name)? What’s wrong!?” EJ exclaimed in concern as he slowly approached you, leaving Heeseung on the ground, beaten up quite badly. However he immediately halted his steps when he heard a low chuckle from behind him.

"Ah fuck, piece of shit.. you're really irritating me." Heeseung chuckles through his cries, scratching his neck as his expression was replaced with amusement while his mouth was bleeding due to EJ’s constant punches. Raising his head slowly, looking up with tears in his eyes, "Just why are you sticking your nose in other people’s business, you bastard?"

EJ’s eyes widened, turning his torso to look at Heeseung who was now, staring at him back but with a completely different demeanor. “What?”

“Aren’t you such a fucking fool trying to act like the shining knight in his armor?” Heeseung tilted his head, with his expression clearly amused.

“You know, it’s really amusing that you even approached Chaewon in the first place, but–” his eyes darkened, “Why the fuck did you even think to get close to (Name)?”

“You’re really digging your own grave, aren’t you?”

“So you’re already showing your true nature, you son of a bitch.” EJ spat out approaching him, and pulling him up on his feet by tugging his collar again. “Do you still think (Name) will believe you after I tell her about this?”

A chilling laugh escaped from Heeseung’s mouth, “Yah, you bastard. Wanna bet?”

“H-huh?”

“Do you actually think you'll get out of this alive?”

“What? What are you saying?”

“Just where do you think we are now, you fool?” Heeseung chuckled.

—

You watched them as everything seemed to go in slow motion, with them gripping each other's collars, they were saying something to each other but your ears can’t hear anything but muffled sounds. But what you can’t seem to understand was..

EJ’s expression. Fear was what you can see on his face. Why?

“Y-you… let.. Go-” you can’t hear what he was saying, the more you try to make sense of what he said, the more it makes your head grow more painful. Closing your eyes tightly amidst all the chaos, you can hear your own breathing and your heartbeat, along with the loud ticks that you can’t seem to know where you’re hearing it from, and along with it you then hear something.

A loud crash.

You then heard an ear-piercing scream from other people, immediately covering your ears again with your hands.

Silence.

With your eyes slowly looking up, you're met with a horrifying sight of blood pooling out on the ground, dripping from them..

Blood.

Face contorting into disgust and fear, with your heartbeat quickening so loud you can hear within your ears. Breathing slowly growing rush and stuffy, you wanted to scream as you looked at their body—

NO!

'This is a dream!'

'I must be hallucinating.'

'This must be the drugs. Yes! This must be the drugs!'

'Yes! It must be the drugs. It has happened before!"

'I'm hallucinating, I'm hallucinating, I'm hallucinating.'

You covered your ears with your hands, slowly moving them over to your eyes, pressing it firmly.

'please go away, please go away, go away!' you repeatedly prayed in your mind, for your hallucinations to stop.

"Oh my god!"

"Call the ambulance!"

"Help!"

"Someone help! Please!"

Your heart sank hearing those words. Slowly lowering your hands from your eyes, the bright light your eyes making you squint. You blinked repeatedly to fix your blurry vision and you are met with the exact same horrifyingly sickening sight again making your heart sink.

It wasn’t a hallucination. You weren’t hallucinating. It was real.

The realization finally dawns on you as you start to feel a growing pool inside your stomach, making you nauseous. Tears welling up in your eyes, mouth trembling as you finally lifted your feet away from the ground you've been frozen on for what seems like eternity.

Loud and rush steps grow even louder behind you as people start to approach the two unconscious bodies laying on the floor, multiple sounds ringing in your ears with the murmurs and calls of help from people around you.

Quick breaths along with sniffles, you finally let out a gut-wrenching scream,

"No!!"

.

.

- to be continued -

🖋️a/n: comment or ask me if you want to be added in the permanent taglist!

🥀TAGLIST: @heeseungie77 , @lyzzie8 , @nyfwyeonjun

|> YANDERE SERIES: ENHYPEN (PT. 1)

|> secondary blog: @llyzblog

[miyaniacs]

Corrupted by Darkness

- Chapter 10 -

Chapter9 ; Wattpad ; AO3

A/N: hello … sorry for not updating, but I was busy with life tbh. But here it is and I finally have some ideas and motivation again to continue this story ^^ so I try to update more in the future :) thank you all so sooooo much for all of your feedback and the Votes - it means so much to me and I'm so thankful that you’re supporting me <3 

Noctis POV

I was shocked, I did not knew how to act or what to say. 

I haven't seen those eyes in centuries and now they are starring up at me. 

A nostalgic feeling rushes though my veins. All the good memories we shared, when humans and fae weren't even in their early stages, come back to my mind. Her eyes were full of joy, hope and light. I could stare at them for ages and get lost in the thousands of universes they showed. When the first fae walked this earth she was enlightened, happy to help them with their needs and they worshipped her. I knew it was wrong, I knew that things could turn, yet I couldn't bring myself to stop her, seeing her so happy was all I wished for, 

But now, those eyes hold nothing from that light anymore. All those years spent in isolation made her go mad, made her loose any sense of what's right and what's wrong. 

Nea... even though she took control of her body, she has to be in there somewhere. 

Reaching through the bond, I try to find just some glimpse of her, but all I see - or all Sanguis shows me - are memories... memories of all those dying humans and fae, how she burned them alive, showing me how much fun she had doing it. 

I couldn't control myself anymore. Rage clouds my mind, rage that I held in my heart for all those centuries. A rage i once held against myself, blaming myself for all the wrongs which happened. Now that I feel how much she enjoyed it, how much she enjoys torturing and using Nea's body... It all shifts to her and I can't stop the fire inside of me. 

Something blue catches my eye and in less than a second my flames hit the ground, where Sanguis stood just before. 

Azriel? Why would he be here and save Sanguis?

No... No... not Sanguis. Nea. 

Immediately my mind becomes crystal clear and I realized what I did. Sanguis couldn't burn... but Nea can. 

Sanguis knew exactly what would happen if she keeps on provoking me, trying to get me to kill Nea... something she can't do apparently, otherwise I'm sure she would have done it herself. 

Her powers... when she settled in Nea's body all those years ago, she must have accidentally given her some of her powers - Sanguis would have never allowed her to be able to control her blood manipulation skills. It's an ancient power which only runs in her family. 

But if she lost some of her powers, that means... 

Taking a deep breath I channel all of my powers into this one command I thought I've never say to her. 

"LEAVE"

Power rushes through me, into the bond and straight into Nea's soul. 

I was right. Sanguis was weaker that she used to be. Immediately the ghost of a white dragon leaves her body and flys out into the sky. 

"So you choose her?" A whisper of her voice echos though the wind. 

'I do.' I think to myself and close my eyes. Deep inside of my heart, I knew that I lost her now, even though I may have lost the real her all those centuries ago. 

But now, something inside of me shatters and I feel our connection crumble until there is nothing left. 

A pain I've never felt before, consumes every cell of my brain and I cry out. 

The ground and the mountains around us shake, rocks start falling to the ground, but I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop until l there was nothing left anymore. No pain, no hope, no light, just darkness. 

Darkness and a small little light, showing me that at least I didn't lost my bond to Nea. 

As I open my eyes again, I see various humans rushing from the college towards us, next to me crouching over two lifeless bodies, is Rhysand and some other Illyrian Fae. 

The two body's belong to Nea and Azriel. 

But no... she can't be dead. I can still feel our bond. 

Desperately I look for it inside of my mind, look for the small light - but it's not there anymore. 

Darkness rushes out of me, surrounding the whole college. 

I killed her. 

Sanguis won.

Xadens POV 

'WAKE UP NOW' Sgaeyl screams. 

My bed shakes, the walls around me shake, the whole college seems to shake. 

And the there is this deep roar shaking up every vessel inside if my body. 

Jumping out of the bed and grabbing my jacket I sprint out of the room. There is only one dragon powerful enough get the whole college shake. 

Small pieces of stone fall onto my head, other riders rush out of their rooms, horror written on their faces. 

"Xaden!" Garrick and Bodhi run towards me while I make my way out into the night. 

"What is happening?" Bodhi asks and sprints down the corridor next to me. 

"Noctis." I scream over the voices of the other students. 

"Are you sure?" Garrick asks as we finally set our foot on the grass outside and see the whole disaster. 

The college is breaking down. 

"If he doesn't stop now, we're all going to be buried under rocks here." Bodhi whispers, fear shown in his eyes. And he was right. One of the towers starts to slide towards the ground we are standing on. 

"Oh no.. no no no-" Garrick grabs my arm and drags me backwards. 

But before the tower falls to the ground, Noctis stops. 

"What the hell" Liam, who arrived next to us with Imogen, Rhi and the others, voices what we are all thinking. 

'Sgaeyl?'

'I'm fine, they are on the flying grounds.' 

"Where's Nea?" Rhi asks and looks at me, "She wasn't in her room, I thought maybe she was with you.." her voice is laced with panic as she realizes that Nea wasn't with me. 

"Flying Ground." I reply. 

But when I'm about to start running again, darkness wraps around us. 

Pure Darkness. 

I lift my hand, holding it right in front of my face but my eyes aren't able to see anything. 

It's a kind of darkness I've never seen before. 

I scream out for the others, but nothing. 

There is no sound.

Nothing. 

Searing my mind, I try to find the door connecting me to Nea, yet it's gone. 

'No.. No, No.. - Sgaeyl, tell me this isn't the reason for his outburst.'

'I'm so sorry... I - I don't know. We're stuck in the same dark as you are.' Her voice is barely a whisper inside of my head. 

'Is it shielding our magic too?' 

'It is.' 

[thomashoes]

Thinking about.... Alhaitham

so i hung out with one of my best friends today and i updated her on what was going on in my life and i told her about a dream i had and it made me think that it would be a good alhaitham fic lol. anyways, here ya go!

fem reader x alhaitham

angst, little comfort, false accusations

might have grammatical errors and typos, i apologize

alhaitham might be a bit ooc, sorry :&lt;

TW// mentions of harassment

Little backstory:

y/n and alhaitham dated during their akademiya days (shocking i know) purely out of ”motivation” but genuine feelings did develop later on. they were quite toxic with each other, they just couldnt tell. they broke up bc of a rumor about y/n was sleeping with one of the matra so she wouldn’t get into trouble with her academic offenses when she was in fact harassed by the matra who also spread the rumor. alhaitham caught wind of this and initially didnt care until another student approached him and that was when he screwed up by making out with that student. and (un)fortunately kaveh saw this and told y/n about it like the good senpai he is. that was when the two of them blew it off and split. as soon as y/n graduated, she left to mondstadt and worked for dawn winery. met diluc and fell in love. yeah. enjoy!

The Akademiya decided to hold a celebration for the “return” of their Archon, Lesser Lord Kusanali, and practically put a hold on all sorts of research that any of the scholars had going on. Alhaitham saw this celebration as unnecessary since him and the rest of the “save the archon” team already did in zubayr theater and, as the Acting Grand Sage, he rejected the idea.

At first, at least. 

After much persuasion from Nahida herself, he reluctantly agreed seeing that their Archon seemed to want this celebration with the entire city and the neighboring nations. He was then in-charge of overseeing the organizing procedure and sending out invitations to the other nations. Needless to say, he was quite overworked but it was nothing compared to when still a student in the Akademiya.

On the day of the celebration, he made sure that everything was in order and that the city's security was guaranteed. He walked around the bustling city streets which was more lively than the celebration of the Jnagarbha Day. The more he walked around the city, the more he felt at peace since it seemed his hard work had paid off.

When evening fell and it was time for the formal party that was arranged for the prominent figures from each nation to gather and was held at the Palace of Alcazarzaray. The night was going as smoothly as he had expected. He watched as the Acting Grand Master of The Knights of Favonius spoke with the Tianquan of the Liyue Qixing, the General Mahamatra in his own group, that Paimon lovingly called “the archon protection squad”, was laughing rather loudly. Too loud for his liking, really.

Taking a sip from his cup of Mondstadt’s dandelion wine, he mentally checked off the names of the guests that have arrived and noted that one was missing. He shrugged it off thinking that he might have not seen a letter from the guest declining the invitation with due to his busy schedule. As he was about to walk away from the table he was hovering over, the entrance door opened and revealed the guest that he thought wouldn’t arrive.

And there he spotted her, donned in a simple yet elegant black dress with her hair up in a bun with her bangs hanging freely against her forehead and some strands falling to her shoulders. her face didn't seem to be caked, allowing her natural beauty to show. Alhaitham was not sure if the wine has finally hit him or was it his old feelings that made the thought, but he absolutely believed that she had stolen tonight's spotlight.

He was quickly taken out of his head when he recognized the red haired gentleman that walked alongside her.

Ah, yes. He had completely forgotten about one unfortunate fact. The one that he once called rival for the Scribe title and the love of his life was now to be wed to Mondstadt’s very own wine tycoon, Diluc Ragvindr.

The aforementioned man walked up to him but Alhaitham only had his eyes on her. Diluc and Alhaitham exchanged greetings and pleasantries while Y/N would occasionally answer for Diluc. Alhaitham tried to ignore the way Diluc would look at her, so much pride and adoration. The same look he had once held for her. His heart twisted painfully as he watched Diluc place a kiss on her knuckles before they excused themselves. Alhaitham needed fresh air, so he swiftly moved his legs to exit the palace and settled in the small gazebo at the front.

He stared at the night sky, his glass of wine forgotten beside him as his mind wandered to the “what if’s”. As he drowned in his thoughts, he failed to hear the footsteps that approached him.

“Didn’t think you would accept the title of Acting Grand Sage,” the person friskily commented. “But, it is to be expected of the oh-so-amazing Alhaitham.”

Alhaitham turned around and silently watched Y/N walked to the other end of the railing he was situated on. They stayed in silence before Alhaitham answered her, “I never wanted to be one and I actually declined the position multiple times. However, the city was a mess and someone had to bring everything back in order.”

Y/N looked at him with a perfectly shaped brow raised, “And they chose you to be the Grand Sage? The Akademiya might as well have shut down if that was the case.” She shifted against the railing to lean against the gazebo’s post as she eyed the glittery sky. Alhaitham scoffed at the familiar comment, “That’s what Kaveh told me as well.”

A soft hum came from her throat, “It’s nice to know that you and Senior Kaveh still get along in a way.” she turned to look at him, “Or are you just tolerating his presence?”

A chuckle left Alhaitham’s mouth as he sipped on his wine, “Tolerating him is an understatement, but you may view it however you want.”

Another round of silence enveloped the cold setting as neither of the two spoke, simply enjoying each other’s company and their drinks.

Y/N hesitated to speak, fearing that her emotions may get the better of her especially with the alcohol in her system. but before she could speak, Alhaitham beat her to it.

“I’m sorry,” Alhaitham uttered, pain spread across his chest as soon as he did. “For everything that I have said and done to you. I shouldn’t have let arrogance get the best of me and I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did. I knew what I did was wrong but I didn't care back then. But please know that I did love you and I still do.”

The emotions Alhaitham had held on for years had finally revealed themselves to Y/N. He felt woozy and his heart was pounding, unsure if it really was the alcohol or the result of years of pent up emotions. Y/N looked at him with watering eyes, “Please stop, don’t do this to me. I did not come here for closure, Alhaitham. We are long past that. You made your decision 5 years ago, there’s nothing left for you to do.”

His heart throbbed, “I know that it was wrong of me to do and say those things to you, but you weren’t innocent either, Y/N.” he remarked bitterly. Y/N’s gaze hardened and gripped the railing hard, “Oh, so now you’re pushing the blame to me? I already told you everything and after all these years you’re still hung up on that rumor?”

Y/N scoffed and shook her head before pushing herself off the railing, “You know what, this is why we couldn’t work out. You may be the most intelligent guy in the world but you definitely are lacking in the social understanding department. I didn’t approach you tonight to pick a fight and open old wounds.” she rummaged through her purse and pulled out an envelope while she stood firmly on her feet and looked Alhaitham in the eyes before handing it to him.

A cold wave washed over Alhaitham as he realized what it was.

It was a wedding invitation.

“Diluc knows about you being my former lover and also my best friend. Him and I talked about this and thought that our wedding would be a nice way for us to reconnect because he trusts me not run back into your arms, as he put it.” Y/N conveyed to him earnestly. Alhaitham didn't move to accept the envelope simply staring at the engagement ring on her finger, all the more reminder of his loss.

Y/N realized he was not going to move so she walked up to him and slid the envelope on the pocket of his suit. Alhaitham slowly breathed in to calm his heart from pounding, catching whiff of her favorite scented shampoo.

Seeming to sense that Alhaitham was tense, Y/N looked up at him and saw his eyes were glassy. Her heart ached at the sight, despite years of separation and zero-contact, it seemed that a part of her still loved him. Just not as much as before.

She smiled at him as she felt her own eyes water and raised a hand to stroke his cheek. The words she wanted to say dried up in her throat. Alhaitham subconsciously leaned in to her touch and moved his own hand to hold hers, mentally begging her to leave her fiancé.

A moment of silence passed by before Y/N whispered, “Thank you for everything, Alhaitham.”

The Acting Grand Sage was frozen as soon as she slid her hand off his face and silently made her way back to her fiancé. And before Alhaitham knew it, his heart broke for the first time in 5 years and tears have run down his face.

He never thought loving someone could be so painful.

this brainrot was brought to you by trauma //j

[nyctophobia-au]

Where I've Been

Okay, so, 'sup babygrills. This is going to be a bit of a lengthy post, but I feel like I should update followers on here as to where I've been because I haven't been active for, like, months.

If you don't care to read all of the stuff under the cut, that's fine. Here's my TL;DR: I've been having issues with mental illness, trauma, motivation, gender dysphoria (?), and have been busy with college and YouTube/social media stuff. However, luckily my HK special interest has returned and I plan on posting more often hopefully. (Mild cw for mental health mentions ig.)

Okay, so, to begin, I've been gone a lot due to responsibilities outside of making Nyctophobia content. So, up until recently, I've been working on graduating from college. I've been finishing up my final class this Summer, but last quarter in the Spring was really difficult for me time-wise and mental health-wise. I've had a lot of issues with depression and anxiety throughout my life, and being at college was torturous and sapped all of my energy. It did not help that, last quarter, I had to be there at the college for six hours of my day five days a week. It was not easy to make art for myself and my channel, much less for this blog.

Outside of college, and I've mentioned this before in passing, but I also make YouTube videos and, at the moment, YT is my income (alongside comms as well). I've been pretty focused on keeping my my schedule at least a little bit consistent, and that alone has been draining and tiring. It also affects the kind of art that I can create, as I have to draw certain things for certain videos. I've been really weary when it comes to making content as of late, and I really need to take a small break so that I can work on stuff I actually want to work on rather than being stuck drawing certain things for the sake of videos I'm not inspired to make.

Pivoting more into specifics about my mental health, I have been needing to see a therapist for a long while, but I haven't had the motivation or the funds to pursue that option up until recently. Hopefully, I will be attending therapy soon. Last year in, uhm, September I had a particularly bad mental health episode and I've come to realise that some events that happened during that time have left me with trauma that I'm still currently working past and healing from. I've had issues with self-harm, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and self-perception for a long time, but in the Spring they were stifling and impossible to ignore. Lately, they have been better, though. So, that's nice. There hasn't been just the usual stuff lately (oh no, that's be too easy), but I've gotten jumpscared with gender issues (hooray, my favourite /s) during this time, and am struggling with my self-perception regarding my gender up to current day. (Hi, I currently go by Rot or Sexy Fictional Bug Enthusiast and my pronouns are they/them, but they may very well be they/he soon). Also, I had a bad identity crisis a couple of months ago and had to do this whole rebrand thing that was a lot of work and it kinda sucked away a lot of energy and time.

On top of all of that, ya boy's special interest metre has been focused primarily on OC stuff and other things outside of HK. It's pretty well-known that I have autism and Hollow Knight is one of my special interests. I'm unsure how it works for most people, but my fixations tend to come in waves and fluctuate (though super special meaningful ones stick for a long time). So, like, I had this whole issue with my mind always being fixated more on things outside of HK. It's been my OCs for a few months, but alongside that, I also suddenly became enraptured by The Owl House and my Digimon special interest sleeper agent returned for a hot second there. As of recently, I've been interested in HK again, but have been afraid to start/work on projects related to my AU because of me having to work on OC content for my channel and also for my friends who are invested.

As of right now, I have some more time on my hands to make the content I want to make, and my HK fixation is back (thank fuck). I've generally been doing a bit better in the mental health arena, but I will also be taking some time off of YT and posting videos regularly in favour of focusing on making stuff I want to make. So, like, expect me to be more active here for some time. I might be finishing a fic in the next month (hopefully) as well, and I have some general comic and art ideas. I just want to draw Auric again, god dammit. My beloved. <3

Anyways, thanks for reading if you did. Just figured I'd make a post about this for people who thought I died or something (and for the people who were once interested in my projects on here and are starving for content, lmao).

[scribe-of-elysium]

Quietus - Status Update - June 2022

Readers waiting for the next chapter may have noticed that it’s approaching almost 2 months now since my last update. A long time for me!

Due to lock-down ending, and busy life resuming at a very fast pace, I’ve had little free time to write (proof is me posting this at a ridiculous hour I'm normally asleep at). The lack of time will continue over the summer. I’m now back to full-time office hours, and when I’m not working on weekends or my days off, my time is spent mostly outdoors. Writing has unfortunately dropped way down my priority list, as was the case before lock-down. For a while, I was forcing myself to make time in order to maintain a regular update schedule in my eagerness to complete, including writing late nights and early mornings, but that resulted in me placing a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself, and that’s something I can’t and won’t continue to do, for the sake of my mental and physical well-being.

A huge amount of content has been put out over the last two years since the pandemic began. I picked up Quietus from the point just after Sakura had first returned to the surface, and have now reached the beginning of the very last arc. Since I had a lot of free time to write during lock-down/remote working, I also had a lot of motivation to keep writing.

Unfortunately, I now have neither the time or the motivation/inspiration to continue at the regular pace I’ve been working at over the last two years. The final arc requires a lot of dedicated time, effort and concentration, and I can’t set aside those things right now. It’s the most difficult arc, because it contains the build up to the ending, and a lot of complicated battle scenes, as well as the resolution of all plot points, all of which need to be executed right. Not rushed or sloppily written.

I feel under pressure to deliver the ending right, and to the highest standard. I’ve also gotten frustrated by how never-ending the story feels in terms of how demanding it is. Maybe that’s another reason, besides lack of time, that I have not actively pushed myself to schedule in even short writing slots week after week. This last arc is intimidating and overwhelming, not just because of all the characters, events, development and plot I need to juggle. Quietus, to me, isn’t just any fanfic; it’s been a special project I’ve been working on for over a decade. It’s been a distraction and comfort through some very difficult years, a story I’ve really poured a lot of love into, and I owe it to myself, and the crazy time and effort and thought I have invested into the story, to not mess the plot up in its final stages just because I’m really impatient to be done with it.

For this reason, after consideration, I’ve decided I will be withholding on writing and releasing future chapters. This means the story will be ‘on hold’ until further notice after the next chapter is updated.

This does NOT mean I intend to abandon it. I’ve felt tempted to stop. It would be easier and kinder to me. You can’t even imagine how much planning and energy a story of this scale requires to continue. I’d feel like an absolute failure if I dropped it for good though, and I hate starting something I don’t finish. I also know how horrible it would be for readers to be left without an ending. But I need to see it through to the end for myself, before anything or anyone else. Or at the very least, take it as far as I can go before it feels absolutely impossible to carry on with it. Right now it’s difficult - but not impossible.

It’s disappointing, being so close to the ending, that I have to stop and lose momentum now, but I’d rather place it on pause and work on it slowly as and when I can, giving it my full attention as it deserves, than carry on half-heartedly and rush it to completion.

I’m also aware there are many readers who have fallen behind. Whether they were waiting for the fic to end before reading the rest, or simply haven’t been able to find the time to read, delaying releases gives them a chance to catch up, if they wish to do so. The general drop in reader views/feedback over the last chapters suggests that might be the case. If so, then a delay is beneficial, given most people appear to not be caught up anyway.

The next chapter is about 75% done, so readers will have another chapter (or possibly two, if I complete and split the rest of it) uploaded before I place the story on a formal hiatus. Updates after that will be fewer and farther between, and will likely be posted in bulk chapters of 2-3, until I reach completion. Writing continuously without feeling the pressure to stop and upload is better for me. I’ll see how it goes. Maybe if my motivation, energy/time and inspiration return sooner, things might change again, but for the foreseeable, no further new content will be released after the next chapter.

Though I will be on hiatus from writing for Quietus, I'd still love to have feedback and hear from my readers during this period, including from those who are behind and have yet to catch up to the latest chapters.

Thank you to everyone who is still on board for being so supportive and understanding.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*  

[heereandthere]

So. I'm Alive! (Life Update)

I logged onto this account to try and find something I remembered having buried in my drafts, and since this thing feels kind of like a time capsule to my time as a teenager, I felt like it was semi-appropriate to do a life update since the last time I was here.

When I used this account, I was between 15 and 16 years old, and I am now 20! Holy shit! I'm like. An adult-adult, and that's still completely bonkers to me. I used this account BEFORE THE PANDEMIC. The person who created this Tumblr just outright does not exist anymore and that's INSANE.

Not only am I a proper adult, but I'm also a COLLEGE JUNIOR. I'm so proud to tell you all that I am, in fact, studying theatre and theatre performance on a professional level. I'm the secretary for the theatre-based fraternity on campus and am currently president-elect leading up to the election we'll be doing at the next meeting when the current president steps down. I'm also a part of the theatre for young audiences program as an actor, in beginning rehearsals for my second year with them, and am slated to perform in both mainstage shows this semester (out of the 10 shows we've put on or are planning to put on since I came here, I've been cast/performed in 7!). And on top of all that, I'm slated to be performing in SCOTLAND in the foreseeable future! I'm a busy bee!!

Personal life has been kind of a clusterfuck, mostly courtesy of the pandemic. But I don't really want to focus on a very, VERY dark part of my life other than telling you all that I've finally gotten much-needed diagnoses and coping skills. My obsessive-compulsive ass got and will likely try to continue to be counseled, y'all! It's still an uphill battle, but I'll fight it until I take my last breath. :) I mean, hell, I got the motivation to CLEAN today! If that's not indicative of improvement considering what a mess my room has looked like for the past two years, I don't know what is!

I'm also very proud to report that I have a friend group I feel very accepted and comfortable in. It took a very long time for me to find my "people", and I really think I have here; the theatre department has been so kind and welcoming, and I really do love and cherish the people I work with. Several of them are graduating next semester, which is DEVASTATING, but I know they're all going to do amazing things. I wouldn't trade a single one of them for the world. The same goes for every single one of my non-theatre friends, for though they be few, I would do anything for each and every one of them. They've collectively made this whole "growing up" business so much easier to cope with.

Finally, and I make a point to talk about this because it changed my life so much, Be More Chill is now a chapter in my life I've left in the past. I still love the musical dearly, but it's become a part of my personal history rather than my current obsession and I've made my peace with that. It and musical theatre will always be a huge part of me (obviously, since theatre is my chosen profession), yet my interests have and will continue to change. That's life, baby!

And I want to cap this off by saying, if you paid any mind to this blog at any point, thank you. Thank you for indulging in a really weird journey piloted by a really weird teenager and thank you for paying mind to this post by an equally weird but better adjusted adult. I made this blog when I was at an incredibly low point in my life and having gone through the drafts and seen the unsent posts I wrote about what I was going through, I've made it... so insanely far since the last time I was here.

After a lot of hemming and hawing, I really do think it's finally time to let this blog rest, even though I already haven't touched it for quite some time. I'm still active on Tumblr, though, so if you're interested in getting back in touch or reading some new fic I've been working on for Good Omens, you can find me over at @antiquarianandunusual. You can also find me on AO3 under the same name, or Twitter as AmazingMrFell.

With that said, time for teenage me to rest easy. We made it, bestie. :)

~Heere (Sam)

[mysticalnightenthusiast]

S.N.A.F.U CH72 ‘Curtains 2021’

************************************************************************

A/N1:  Sorry for the delay in updating peoples!  I had exams at uni then the motivation to write just got up and left.  Hope you enjoy this installment.  I have other chapters ready to do so for the next week or two updates will be more regular!

************************************************************************

Daniel had a less than perfect (by his standards) qualification for the 2021 Abu Dhabi Grand Prix but still managed to get into Q3 from where he would qualify tenth on the grid.  In between garage commitments he had engineering and strategy meetings, media commitments and sponsor meetings so as a result Eadaoin hardly got to see him unless it was five minutes here or five minutes there, eventually though race day arrived and it was with an air of optimism and relief the end of the season was finally here that Daniel, Eadaoin, Blake and Michael piled into the Jeep and made their way to the Yas Marina circuit just as the sun began to set.

“Final race for the year then holiday time huh?” Cahir said to Daniel as they joined the queue lining up to get into the track.

“Well not straight away, got tyre testing for next year on Tuesday,” Daniel replied “after that then its holiday time, going to spend the winter break sitting on my arse and getting fat.”

“Sorry what are you going to do?” Michael piped up from the front seat.

“I’m going to work out every day and follow a nutritious, healthy eating plan,” Daniel said with a grin “I’ll keep alcohol and junk food consumption to a minimum and won’t do anything that contradicts my wellness plan.”

“Good lad.”

“Except New Year’s Eve,” Daniel continued as Eadaoin, Cahir and Blake laughed “I plan on getting absolutely smashed and finishing the night with a kebab from that Greek place across the road from Jimmy’z.”

“Yeah well I’ll cut you a bit of slack for New Year’s” Michael said in amusement “because I’ll be a hypocrite telling you not to whilst I go out and do the absolute opposite.”

“I think we all deserve to get smashed and end the night with a kebab,” Cahir said as the line crawled forward “I worked myself to the point of burnout, Danny and Eadie had that shit with Jemma and you and Blake have been following Danny around the F1 circuit all year and been as busy as he has been.  We all need some rest.”

************************************************************************

 After arriving on track and seeing Daniel, Blake and Michael off to Daniel’s driver’s room Eadaoin and Cahir made their downstairs to the hospitality hub.

“There are worse ways to end the year,” Cahir declared as they grabbed a coffee each and sat at a table in the corner “nothing beats being trackside at an F1 race, especially one where the driver’s championship is down to the wire.”

“I don’t disagree,” Eadaoin replied cheerfully “but I’m also looking forward to the break too, to be able to spend some more time with Danny without him or me having to go to work hanging over our heads, to sleeping in to holidaying somewhere tropical where absolutely no one is going to bother us. We need time to be a couple ya know?”

“Hey I totally get ya,” Cahir said sympathetically “especially after the year you two have had to endure. Well the latter half anyway.  Well you’ve got a lot to look forward to in the New Year, you’re trucking along at your new job and there’s new tech coming for F1 so there’s scope for improvement for Danny.”

“Yeah there’s a lot to look forward to,” Eadaoin agreed “what about you? What does twenty twenty two hold for you?”

“I don’t know,” Cahir confessed “and y’know I’m totally okay with that. I have a new job and I’m renovating a new house the world is my oyster.  I’m just going to pootle along and see where life takes me for once, it’s about time I stopped being an anal retentive gobshite.”

Eadaoin laughed.

“You’re not an anal retentive gobshite,” she said in amusement “just a gobshite.”

Cahir rolled his eyes.

“Har har,” he said dryly as he sipped his cappuccino “what are you and Danny doing after the race tonight? Hitting the town?”

“Nah, I don’t have the motivation and Danny will be too tired,” Eadaoin replied “it’ll be nearing midnight and unless Danny wins which is highly unlikely we’ll stay in, maybe share a coffee in that little bistro we had lunch in today before hitting the hay early.  Danny is just so tired and he needs to relax.”

“Yeah I can see that,” Cahir observed “you two going to do much whilst you’re in L.A?”

“We don’t have anything planned,” Eadaoin replied “just hanging around Danny’s house, maybe go up to his US manager’s cabin in Big Sur for a couple of days, go out to dinner a couple of times.  If it involves relaxing we’ll do it.”

************************************************************************

Two hours later after the driver’s parade and final engineering and strategy meetings the cars set out on their formation lap. Michael came jogging back from the track Daniel’s kit bag in hand.

“How’s he feeling?” Eadaoin asked taking the curly haired driver’s headphones from the trainer and putting them around her neck a habit that had become tradition with the last few races she had attended.

“Determined,” Michael replied “you know our guy, determined to finish clean, determined to finish in the points, he’s not saying much but I think he’s just keen to go on holiday, relax, and do something that isn’t connected to racing you know?”

“I definitely know,” Eadaoin replied turning her gaze toward the huge LCD screen at the back of the garage that was broadcasting the Sky F1 broadcast “well here it goes one last toss of the dice for the year!”

Once the last car on the grid took their place on the grid an excited silence fell in the McLaren garage as everyone waited for the race to get underway.  Charlotte Sefton the team’s media and PR officer arrived out of breath.  She grinned at Eadaoin and pulled on her team branded headphones.

“We’ve been waiting for this all season long, the finale, the title decider, under the lights here in Abu Dhabi. Its lights out and away we go! And Hamilton gets a decent start and he’s already ahead of Max Verstappen there’s a bit of jockeying going on between Tsunoda and Ricciardo Hamilton leads into the first corner , Norris goes wide Sergio Perez slips through into third place then comes Carlos Sainz but its Hamilton out in front!  The medium tyres working well for him as his team mate Valtteri Bottas challenges the Ferrari, into the hairpin we go now Hamilton leads Bottas, leads Perez, then leads Norris then the two Ferraris of Sainz and Leclerc, it is a dream start for Lewis Hamilton!”

Eadaoin immediately cringed as shortly after the start of the race Danny was forced off the straight line, but she let out a sigh of relief when moment later her easily slid back onto the racing line and continued on.  Meanwhile Lando was forced wider off the track and a collective groan of despair rose from all the personnel in the garage.  Charlotte who had a soft spot for the curly haired Englishman made a face and swore.

“Fuck!” she cussed her profanity muffled by the roar of the cars zooming past the pit lane.

The race was relatively uneventful for the first few laps then in the late teens the first pit stops began occurring.  Of the McLaren boys Lando was the first to pit on lap seventeen when he switched from the soft to hard compound tyres then Daniel pitted a lap later for the same tyres in the same time of two and a half seconds.  Both men rejoined the race mid-field and raced on intent on climbing the placings.

The first big drama of the race occurred on lap twenty six when Kimi crashed his car into the barriers at turn six which required a safety car.  A collective groan rose from the grandstand as the Finn got out of his car and waved to indicate he was alright.

“Aw man that’s gotta suck crashing in your last ever race,” Cahir commented to no one in particular “poor bloke.”

“Eh Kimi wouldn’t give a shit, he can now crack a tinny and sit on the beach for the rest of his life getting fat and enjoying life,” Eadaoin replied with a grin, keeping her eyes trained on the huge screen in front of them “or he can now do what he did in Monaco a few years ago when he crashed, leap over the fence get on a yacht and sink a few on the marina, I’d do-”

Eadaoin’s next words were cut off when another groan rose from the crowds as George Russell’s car slowed to a stop on the side of the track.

“We no one can say this race is boring,” Cahir quipped.

“This game is never boring,” Charlotte replied “something always happens, either on the track or behind the scenes.”

A short time later the race got back underway and was relatively uneventful until lap 35 when Antonio Giovanazzi crawled to a stop on the side of the track which triggered a virtual safety car.

“Its going to be sunrise before this race finishes!” Eadaoin exclaimed keeping her eyes trained on Daniel’s car which was pootling around the track slightly worse then mid-field.

“Nah we’ll all be wasted in an Abu Dhabi nightclub by then,” Cahir said with a grin.

“Speak for yourself I’ll be halfway home to Oz by then,” Michael said amused by the other man’s enthusiasm.

“Pity, if you were sticking about town I’d invite you out for a few drinks,” Cahir said cheerfully “Danny and Eadie are hardly going to want to hit the town"

Michael chuckled.

“Maybe in the new year when I get back to London,” he said in amusement “I’m not adverse to a night on the turps.”

“If you’re looking to hit the Abu Dhabi clubs you ought to head out with the mechanics,” Charlotte said “those boys will try and drink you under the table.”

“Oh don’t say that Cally sees that as a challenge,” Eadaoin said dryly “last time someone said ‘I’ll drink you under the table’ to him they ended up in hospital with literal alcohol poisoning.”

“Really?” Charlotte and Michael chorused.

“Weeeeell not the last time but yeah that happened,” Cahir confessed his face burning a magnificent shade of scarlet “I was pretty crook myself, took three days not to feel like hammered shit.”

“And he got absolutely zero sympathy from Mum and me,” Eadaoin said with a giggle as the race resumed “self inflicted injury that was.”

************************************************************************

Lando was the first of the McLaren lads to pit twenty two laps later when he switched from hard to medium compound tyres, Daniel pitted four laps later and the race for a points finishing position was on in earnest.

“Aw geez should I opt out?” Cahir asked Eadaoin showing her his phone upon which a betting app was open “if I opt out now I get my two grand back but if Max wins I get ten times that.”

“Aw take a chance Max might get this you know” Eadaoin replied.

“If Verstappen wins this it’ll be a miracle,” Charlotte commented “something big is going to have to happen for him to cross the line first.”

And something big did in fact happen.  On lap 53 Nicholas Latifi who had been battling for position with Mick Schumacher crashed at turn 14 absolutely destroying the front of his car.  An audible oooooohhhhhhh rose from the stands and the safety car was immediately dispatched.  Max pitted and the rest of the field slowed as per regulations.  Cahir dropped his phone on the table and let out a groan of frustration.

“Race hasn’t ended yet Cally don’t despair yet,” Eadaoin told her brother.

“Edie there’s two laps to go,” Cahir groaned “Max is going to have to be the second coming of Senna to win this thing.”

“Stranger things have happened!”

Nicky’s car was cleared from the track and the directive for the overlapped cars (of which included Daniel) was given.  The cars began the maneuver then “Safety car in at the end of this lap” flashed up on the screen.  This caused a roar of disapproval from the McLaren garage staff.

“What the fuck?  Danny hasn’t overtaken the safety car yet!” Eadaoin exclaimed as from the other end of the garage Tom his engineer swore “This is fuckin’ bullshit!”

“Aw no way man this is bullshit!” Michael exclaimed “No way is this fair, what the hell is happening?”

The rest of the race went by in a daze for those in the McLaren garage as the battle royale between Max and Lewis went down to the wire. The last lap began and the two men were basically wheel to wheel as they battled for the right to be World Driver Champion.

“This race that started with controversy has ended with controversy, here comes Lewis Hamilton though down the back straight, he’s got a slipstream he almost touches Verstappen they almost made contact!  Into turn nine Verstappen stays ahead of Lewis Hamilton of all the drama of all the controversy of all the magic moments in formula one in twenty twenty one it comes down to this!  And at this moment it looks like its going to go the way of Max Verstappen.  Mercedes not happy Red Bull will be delighted, they have shared a brilliant championship battle but the championship can only be won by one and it’s going Dutch in twenty twenty one Max Verstappen for the first time ever is champion of the world!  Lewis Hamilton finishes in second place after leading for so so long....”

“What in the name of Jesus H. Christ on a bike was all that?” Cahir wondered out loud as Max drove under the chequered flag and booming fireworks, the new world champion “has Masi been drinking?”

“I dunno,” Eadaoin replied “but something smells in Denmark for sure....”

************************************************************************

A couple of hours later after all the hubbub from the race had died down and Daniel had completed all his post race media and team commitments Eadaoin met him back at his driver’s room right after he had had a post race shower.

“Hey, how you feeling?” she asked watching the curly haired driver scrub his face dry.

“Tired,” Daniel admitted as he began dressing “mentally and physically.  I just want to get back to my own space and relax.”

“Well in twenty four hours we’ll be in L.A and we can do that,” Eadaoin said holding out on of his well work merch shirts “I ran into George on the way here and he’s keen to catch up before you leave the track if you’re keen.”

“Yeah I’ll check in with him before we leave,” Daniel replied tying up the drawstring on his shorts and pulling on the shirt she held out to him “is everyone else still here?”

“Yeah Michael, Blake and Cally are loading all your gear into the car,” Eadaoin replied “Bake said they would wait back down in hospitality for us when you’re ready to go.” 

Before he pulled on his Vans Daniel strode over to Eadaoin and embraced the redhead in a rib cracking hug.  She gave a little squeak of surprise and returned the act of affection.

“What’s up?” she asked her voice muffled by his muscular neck.

“Just needed a cuddle,” he replied.

“Babe are you alright?” Eadaoin asked in concern “you seem a bit flat.”

“I am a bit,” Daniel admitted as he pulled back and dropped a kiss on her forehead “It’s just been a long and disappointing year, even after Monza. I expected this year to be so much better than it has been, so has the team, Zak even said next year is going to have to be markedly better than this year for our partnership to continue....and I suppose I’m just glad it’s over y’know?  Now I can rest and recharge and look forward to Christmas.”

“Zak said what?” Eadaoin exclaimed in anger “that fat bastard said wha-”

“Babe- Babe- he’s right,” Daniel said flatly “even though I won a race this year the team and I expected more. I should have done at least as well as Lando has.  He’s averaging better in points gathering than I am and has been on the podium more than I have been....”

“Yeah but you don’t say that at the end of a long and difficult year right before the holidays!” Eadaoin exclaimed indignantly “why couldn’t he have waited til pre-season testing next year?  You won McLaren’s first race in nine years Danny!”

“I know,” Daniel replied “I suppose that’s just how he does things.  He’s right though I have to improve or I’ll have to start looking elsewhere for a drive in twenty twenty three, I know it sounds brutal but F1 is a brutal game....”

“Yeah....well I s’pose.”

“But for now I have the holidays to look forward to and once I get over jetlag you can bet all my attention is going to be on you.”

“Oh yeah?  And what’s that going to involve?”

“That would be telling Darling, that would be telling.”

************************************************************************

[sergeant-spoons]

20. With Certainty & Charm

Bernadette Noel

Taglist: @thoughpoppiesblow​​​​​​​​​ @chaosklutz​​​​​​​​​ @wexhappyxfew​​​​​​​​​ @50svibes​​​​​​​​​ @tvserie-s-world​​​​​​​​​ @adamantiumdragonfly​​​​​​​​​ @ask-you-what-sir​​​​​​​​​ @whovian45810​​​​​​​​​​ @brokennerdalert​​​​​​​​​ @holdingforgeneralhugs​​​​​​​​​ @claire-bear-1218​​​​​​​​​ @heirsoflilith​​​​​​​​​​ @itswormtrain​​​​​​​​​​ @actualtrashpanda​​​​​​​​​​ @wtrpxrks​​​​​​​​​​

Hello, my lovelies! Sorry for my lack of my updates on most of my fics these past few months; between periods of sporadic busy-ness, a long bout of writer’s block, and the holiday exchanges I’ve been involved in, I haven’t had much energy or time to work on these longer fics. I’ve got my fingers crossed that I’ll be getting back into the swing of things in the coming months. 🤞 In the meantime, thank you for your patience. 💕

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six months ago, on a troopship not unlike this one, Berni had been surrounded by arrogant show-offs with no regard for personal boundaries and what seemed to be a strange vendetta against any woman to outrank them. She'd punched quite a few of them and might have done worse to others had her compatriots not reeled her in, and just when Berni was starting to be of the opinion that she could never in her life work with scoundrels like these, she could not have been more relieved to discover through the 101st Airborne that not all American soldiers were quite so foul. She was even starting to like the skies of the Southern states—they were good for flying in—but then everything went to pieces and Berni returned to anger and hurt. She'd been stewing in her emotions ever since they left Camp MacKall, and that was a week ago. Unfortunately, there weren't many places to go on a boat (even a big one); cut off from her beloved planes, it was only a matter of time before the captain resorted to other, less reputable means of letting off steam.

"Keep it up, Captain! Let 'im have it!"

"Come on, Jonesy! You can't pick a fight with a woman and then lose!"

"This broad's gonna make a fool of herself!"

"Hey, hey-" The man facing Berni in their makeshift ring turned and waved down his wolf-whistling friend. "-knock it off, Mack."

Berni chuckled and readied her fists, wrapped in white cloth that was already a little bloody from her last bout.

"Ready?"

Her opponent turned back to her with a cocky grin.

"Only if you are, Captain."

Someone whistled, and before the shrill sound had even left the air, Berni took the first swing. The fight lasted a good seven or eight minutes, and that wasn't just for show. The men around them shuffled around a bit, holding up their cash as motivation for the boxers, but no one went far, and the boundaries of the ring made by the spectators' bodies remained relatively secure. It was a good, clean match, and when her rival finally ceded victory to her, Berni was impressed enough to hand him a glass of water that someone passed initially to her. He panted for a minute, sipped at the water, then came to shake her hand, a move which delighted her. He was the first of her competitors to do so, and though he was mocked for doing so, he didn't back down. Berni might have stayed to talk with him a minute and make sure she hadn't bruised his jaw too badly, but she was already being drawn away into the excited crowd. As she collected her winnings from a rather disgruntled-looking fellow, another soldier lit up a smoke and offered it to her; when she opened her mouth, he stuck it between her teeth.

"Mmm, thanks," she mumbled to the stranger, counting her cash with one hand and pinching the cigarette with the other, "you're a good chap."

"You're better," laughed the American, "you just won me a hundred bucks!"

Fiona and Délia surfaced then, drawing near as the crowd dispersed. Fiona looked a little perturbed but was trying to hide it, whereas Délia was just about vibrating with excitement. Berni glanced up, gave them a nod, and let a purl of smoke slip through her lips.

"Don't look at me like that, Fee," Berni hummed as she unwrapped her hands, rolling her cigarette between her teeth.

"Yer bruisin'," Fiona said, pointing at Berni's shoulder, forearm, and collarbone.

"Wow!"

"Augh, no, Deets, not 'wow'," Fiona protested, but Berni, smirking, shot Délia a wink, and Délia had a hard time suppressing her grin.

"So?" the captain asked, tucking her wrappings in her pocket, planning to wash them later. "Where's the fire?"

"Oh, no," Délia chuckled, "we put that out an hour ago."

Berni, chewing on her cigarette, slowed.

"You know what? I'm not even going to ask."

"Aye." Fiona cleared her throat. "Well, ah, Cap'n, it's, ah, it's Thelma."

"What about her?"

"She says ye left somethin' in her cabin last night and wants ye t' come get it."

Délia snickered, and though Fiona elbowed her, Berni had heard.

"What?" she asked, squinting at the pair, and Délia giggled again.

"Ye should go on, and go fast," Fiona said, her cheeks reddening slightly. "She said if ye don't, ye might be interruptin' somethin' ye don't want te."

"Ah." Relaxing, Berni ruffled Délia's hair as she made her goodbyes. "Don't start another fire while I'm gone, if you can help it."

"We won't."

Berni made sure to knock when she got to Thelma's cabin, and she heard a mattress creak as if two figures were moving to sit apart. When she called that it was only her, the mattress creaked again in the opposite direction, and she made sure to shut the door behind her when she came in. Thelma and Addie were cuddling on one of the cots, Berni wasn't sure whose. They seemed altogether innocent save for the way Thelma had her hand under the back of Addie's shirt and the way Addie was blushing as she admired her girlfriend's face.

"Afternoon, ladies," Berni said as she shut the door behind her, "good to see you're doing better, Coffey."

"I am, Cap'n, thanks."

Berni nodded nonchalantly, crossing to the chair where her bomber jacket hung. She'd left it there last night after a late-night smoking visit with Thelma while Addie spent the night in the sickbay with a nasty stomachache.

"You mind if I...?"

Berni turned around, holding up a pack of cigarettes, but neither of the women on the cot had heard her, too busy staring into each other's eyes, so close their noses brushed.

"Oy." Berni waved her hand, and Addie looked over, her blush deepening. "Thelma, these yours?"

"Yes'm."

Berni slipped them into her pocket, getting the sense that she (and all others) would be barred access from this room for the next hour or so.

"Hey," Thelma groaned, pointing at Berni's hand in her pocket, "those are my good smokes. Leave a few for me."

"Sure, sure."

Back out in the hall, Berni lingered for a few seconds until the lock clicked shut behind her. With her suspicions confirmed, she couldn't help a small smirk, and she hummed a few tuneless notes under her breath as she checked her pockets for her lighter. She was a few yards down the hall only to be called from the opposite direction, and she pivoted as she walked, her head turning before the rest of her body.

"Captain," Ellis called again, smoothing down her shirt, and a slight frown creased Berni's brow.

"What is it?" the captain asked, slipping her lighter back into the pocket where she'd found it.

"They've spotted shore," Ellis said, and Berni noticed only then that she was a little out of breath. "I thought you'd want to see."

Berni's smile shot wide across her face, and she hastened to her meet her fellow pilot.

"Remind me to buy you a drink next time we're out at the pub," the captain chirped, clapping Ellis on the back as they beelined for the stairs.

"What about Coffey and Duran?" Ellis asked, looking back over her shoulder at the closed door. "Should we get them, too?"

Berni snorted. "Absolutely not."

"Why not?"

"Best not to interrupt them."

"Interrupt them? With wh-" Ellis cut herself off, and Berni didn't have to look to know Ellis' face had just gone a bright beet red. "Oh."

"Yeah. Oh."

They made it to the top deck within the next half-minute only to find it already crowded with Americans curious about the new shore. Berni, unphased, drove through the crowd as Ellis held on to the back of her jacket so as to not fall behind. She commanded things like "Move aside gents, Captain coming through," and as soon as the men heard her, they made way. Some didn't bat an eye, while others looked at each other in surprise, having expected one of their superiors to push past, not a slightly-disheveled, five-foot-six Englishwoman with a hundred fly-away hairs and more authority to her voice than Winston Churchill had to his. A few of the taller Americans a few yards back from the bow recognized Berni from the boxing match and were quick to escort her and Ellis to the railing. As soon as they had a clear view, the coast became apparent before them, and Berni made sure to move her smoke away from her lips before she sucked in a breath through her teeth. A smile turned up her lips, and as she slung her arm around Ellis' shoulders, she took a long drag from her cigarette.

"I'll be damned," she said, staring straight ahead the same as a hundred others. "That's England, alright."

The pilots of Tare were some of the first to disembark the ship two hours later. They scampered down off the gangplank and ran up the dock, the others close behind, and Berni nearly kissed the soil when she felt the English grass beneath her boots. A patriot at heart, she couldn't deny her utter joy to be returned to the land of her birth. Anything to do with family was neither here nor there—she couldn't claim any substantial blood relations even if she'd wanted to—for it was more than enough to have her girls with her. Her spirits rapidly rising for the first time in many days, Berni wrapped one arm around Délia's waist and the other around Ellis', and together, they laughed and stumbled across the gravel to their waiting transport. They all knew which it was at once, the open-air bus more familiar to them than any American truck or jeep. Their driver held a sign that simply read "Tare" in neat handwriting that Ellis recognized as that of their old commander.

"You think we'll be back with the Major?" she asked Berni as she accepted a hand up, and Berni shrugged.

"I can't say for certain, but I'd sure like it to be true."

They drove for the rest of the day, arriving just after nightfall in Newcott, where they'd be staying for the foreseeable future. Their driver dropped them off and then continued north; where to, he wouldn't say. As soon as they were beyond prying eyes, Addie picked Thelma up and spun her around, cheering for their freedom. The other girls politely looked away as the couple shared a sweet kiss, then they regrouped and made for their lodgings. They marched in the door, doubting they'd know a single soul around only to be greeted by a familiar face smoking a pipe behind bushy white whiskers. They had their reunions over a late supper, and Major Harbridge could hardly catch a breath in-between all the stories the girls had to tell him. Berni spent most of the time watching their old commander, certain Ellis' guess had been right, to some extent. He looked older, and not by the six months that had passed, more like by three or four years. There was a new wrinkle on his forehead and he had to flex his hands every now and again when they seized up. His arthritis had always given him grief; Berni hoped it wouldn't take him out of the service entirely. The Major had always been so kind and open-minded with Tare, and Berni knew for a fact that their position within the ATA would be threatened without his supervision.

The Major finally told them over pudding what Berni had been waiting for. He was indeed going to resume command over Tare, but not quite in the way he had before. While Berni would remain the chief officer, Major Harbridge would act as a pipeline between the higher-ups in the RAF, Tare's work with Easy, and the two other ATA squadrons who were being outsourced by the Americans. The Major drew Berni aside as the others yawned their way upstairs to unpack and get some sleep. He wanted to know who was Flight Captain of the remaining girls, the ones who'd stayed in the States, and was pleased to hear Berni had left Polly in charge. Reassured in her decision, Berni told him further about Corporal Hennessy Honor Corsair and how she would additionally be assisting the girls under Colonel Sink's jurisdiction. Telling her she had put an old man's mind at ease, Major Harbridge shook Berni's hand and dismissed her to bed.

Upstairs, Berni expected most of her girls to have crawled into bed, but her attempt at a quiet approach proved unnecessary, as the lights were still on and everyone was crowded around Fiona's bed.

"What's all the fuss?" Berni asked, shrugging off her jacket, and Délia jumped up and drew her Captain over by the arm, chattering away in Portuguese like she did when she was excited or annoyed and forgot no one but Fiona could understand her.

"Look, Cap'n," Thelma said, tilting the newspaper in Fiona's hands so Berni could see, "we've made the front page."

The headline read "The Attagirls Are Home At Last!" with a photograph of the women rejoicing on the grass by the docks. In their excitement, it seemed they'd missed the photographer entirely, but he sure hadn't missed them. Thankfully, the article painted the pilots favorably, describing their moment of frolicking as patriotic enthusiasm and gratitude (which, for the most part, it was). Fiona, who was the only one to have read the full article so far, pointed out a few mentions further down. The author of the piece wondered at the mystery of only six pilots out of twelve returning and then made the following supposition that something dreadful had happened to divide the crew. Berni, who'd seen enough fluff pieces in her life, waved off the comments as negligible speculation despite agreeing with the description of the "something" that had separated Tare being "dreadful". She'd been expecting curiosity, but not on a large scale, and this paper was a local one, not from London or even Bristol, where they'd come into port. No doubt the author of the spread wanted to see his name on the front page; adding a bit of suspense to his article seemed to have done the trick.

"'The Attagirls'," Berni mused, eyeing the photograph as Thelma borrowed the newspaper. "I'd almost forgotten that's what they call us."

"The papers have got everybody saying it," Addie said, nodding toward the window. "Our driver, the lady who checked us in downstairs, probably even the Major."

"Look at this," Thelma chuckled, showing the continuation of the article a few pages in. "We've got star billing, sure, but the Americans aren't far behind."

Berni scanned the article and pursed her lips as her brow furrowed. Of course, the Yanks had taken up something ridiculous just as soon as the English had left. It wasn't their Yanks, per se, but still.

"Can you believe it?" Thelma snickered. "Not sure who these guys are, but they've gone and built their aircraft backwards."

Berni groaned. "Just because American doesn't mean Amerishould."

Thelma burst into such laughter that Addie had to take her out of the room to calm down so the others could get to bed. Berni was still the last under the covers, staying up well past midnight to write a letter on the day's happenings to Hennessy, and by extension, all her girls back in the States. She closed her eyes just after 01:00 hours and opened them again just before 06:00. Leaving the others to sleep a little longer, she went downstairs for a cup of coffee and was soon joined by Addie. They woke the rest of the girls about an hour later and gathered for a quick breakfast before heading out to their new assignment. It felt almost like a field day, discovering the airfield at Upottery was at least twice as big as anything they'd seen in the States. They could really work here. Ellis said they should send a photo back to the other girls, but Berni said that wouldn't fly for two reasons. First, there was no point in stirring up envy, and second, a photograph detailing an Allied airfield so close to the coast of the English Channel would never make it past the censors. Ellis assented, and the crew continued down the tarmac toward the hangar.

Major Harbridge arrived at almost the same moment they did, and he and Berni did the honors of opening the hangar doors (though he needed a bit of help from Thelma in the end, with his arthritis and all). The planes within appeared to be good sturdy bombers at first, but upon further inspection, they turned out to be the same kind of transport used by the American Airborne, Douglas C-47 Skytrains. The pilots were puzzled—why would they be flying the Skytrains without the paratroopers? Major Harbridge had an answer for them, and it was that they wouldn't be, these planes were here in storage. The planes the girls would be flying were on the other end of the hangar, where the expansive doors opened directly onto the runway. Délia took off first with the others hot on her heels; Berni took a more professional stance and walked calmly alongside the Major, though her feet itched to run and her eyes burned to see. When they arrived, Berni was surprised to see the others staring up at the medley of planes in awe, slowly realizing something she had yet to clue into.

"Congratulations, girls," said the Major, saluting the women, who saluted him right back. "You've been officially commissioned in the RAF as ferrier pilots."

It had taken two and a half years and a whole lot of grit and gumption, but they'd made it. Colonel Sink had mentioned something along these lines in that unwelcome meeting that was mostly a bitter blur to Berni. The captain didn't realize she was just standing there until Thelma came over, grabbed her by the hand, and dragged her over to a bomber, a Martin B-26 Marauder, one that they'd flown before, together.

"You won't begin your service officially until tomorrow morning," Major Harbridge informed them, raising his voice to be heard by the women who'd scattered. "Today is for getting yourselves used to flying these planes again. Captain Noel?"

"Sir!"

"I presume you'll be alright running a few drills on your own?"

A smile finally broke across Berni's face, and she saluted her commanding officer with certainty and charm.

"Yes, sir!"

"Then I'll leave you to it. Cheerio."

Berni turned to Thelma, barely able to contain her excitement, and her friend flashed a grin, offering her a lit cigarette.

"To the skies?"

Berni raised the smoke toward the hangar roof as if giving a toast.

"Aetheris Avidi!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[erithacuscreations]

Hey! Sorry for the silence; the past couple months have been pretty busy for me. Our little Haus has been moving into a bigger apartment! The new place is much nicer, definitely safer, and we like it a lot. I’ve got my own little space for my animals and desk, we've got a patio, and for once all of our packages are actually getting delivered correctly! It’s very nice now that we’re finally out of the old place. We still have unpacking to do and new routines to settle into, but everything is going great otherwise.

Outside of moving, I’ve kind of been having a rough time emotionally. My grandma began rapidly declining in January, and though I immediately took time to drive out of state to see her in early February, I wasn’t ready for her to pass so soon after that. I’m still processing everything. She was the grandparent I spent the most the most time with growing up. She fostered my love of drawing and dragons and fantasy, so it’s safe to say I wouldn’t even be recognizable as the same person if she wasn’t in my life. I'm very sad of course, but I'm glad she was able to pass the way she wanted to. I’m hoping that remembering her gets easier as time goes on.

I’ve had a birthday in the past month as well, not a very exciting or pleasant one coming off the heels of a fresh loss and in the depths of moving hell but what can you do, really?

I’m also sick haha yaaaaay. Lots of coughing, chest congestion, and mucus that have made working hard the past week. The more severe parts of it are over now, and I just have rattling lungs and congested sinuses left. Y’all, this thing took me out for a while, not gonna lie. Definitely don’t recommend working a full day in a grocery store while wearing a binder and having chest congestion at the same time lmao. I’m taking it as easy as I can though, given that I work in an unforgiving retail environment. Most of my managers have been pretty kind about my current state, some have let me leave early on days where I’m not feeling great.

Uhhh art news… Working on a couple new isopods for my local ad, then I’ll be sharing an updated commission menu with adjusted prices! And maybe I’ll be opening up for telegram stickers? Haven’t opened for em in a while but I enjoy doing them when I get a chance! It’s uh. Kinda been a while since I’ve done any art so I’m going a little easy on myself getting started again. I need to go through my WIPs and figure out what to work on after that! I know I’ve got a lot of stuff on my infinite to-do list that I want to get around to doing.

I don’t really allow myself to splurge on a lot besides snacks, but I’ve gotten some fun pens and plan to start journaling, regularly hopefully. I don’t do a lot of traditional media stuff these days, but I feel like jotting down my thoughts about how my day went will help be build more familiarity with the tools and practice again. I have a little notebook that I’ve customized and keep in my nightstand with the thought that I’ll do little sharpie doodles in it, but I never manage to motivate myself to do it even when I remember to… Maybe journaling will help with the confidence I need to do that? We’ll see.

Anyways, thanks for bearing with me y’all! Hope you’re doing okay. As always, please feel free to email me if you have any questions about commissions. Have a good week!

[green5quirrel]

Ugh. I'm bored.

I'm just gonna write some shit.

It's like "Morning Pages" except circa late 90's early 2000's Livejournal/OpenDiary style. So bear with me.

I've just updated my Bullet Journal. Even typing that makes me cringe. What would 20-something year old me think of a bullet journal? What would 20-something year old I don't fit in any boxes so don't try to put me in one think of writing on grid paper? I mean...it's ALL boxes, isn't it?

But this is my life, now. I write in Bullet Journals. I wear cardigans. I claw my way through the Artist's Way carefully excising the presence of religion. I don't have boobs (or nipples). Let's just say a lot of things have changed in the past two decades.

I go to this amazing little queer coffee house. I use the word "queer" unironically and also use it for myself. I go to this amazing little queer coffee house with its fairies dangling from fishing wire on the ceiling (like, doll fairies not the slur). These plastic folks are mostly Barbie dolls made to look like fairies and sway in the breeze of people walking by amid the lines of faux Edison bulb string lights and pride flag garland.

I go there every Wednesday. I meet up with a bunch of folks (folx? I dunno the current accepted spelling these days) and we do an iteration of Stitch and Bitch. Today I worked on my fanfiction.

After I left the café I went to an Ace Hardware store. I went there because I am an adult and uncool and also because I am working to get into clock repair as a hobby and had been there last week to pick up some tools that were not clock specific.

I met a 61 year old man called Bill there last week. He excitedly chatted to me about the clocks he'd inherited and sold and those he had kept. He has a mantel clock and wanted me to take a look at it. I declined. And I declined again after he insisted. I've not even cracked open a clock and taken out a movement. There's no way I'm working on a family heirloom.

He'll show me the picture of the clock next week as he wasn't able to get over there to take it on account of it being someone's birthday (his business partner's?). Bill shares his life like a person shares Halloween candy in a big plastic bowl on the first of November.

He likes my name. But he still refers to me as a girl. But he also treats me like he's excited to see me even though we've only met twice.

Bill once got paid a few thousand dollars to do some landscaping for a rich person and a few hundred to put in a tree. So, yeah, I consider those two things like tootsie rolls. The chocolate bars are when he talks about his family and how he supports them and his childhood in a watch shop with his dad while a parade of circus animals passes by.

At any rate, after I talked to Bill I went to an antique's mall nearby and scoured the shelves for anything that would be beneficial to my clock repair goals. I didn't find anything today, but that's okay. I'll go back in a couple of weeks.

I am struggling a little right now. So lemme give you all some quality Halloween candy, if you don't mind.

In 2020 my mom died of liver cancer. I had moved back to my hometown to help her and when she started to decline I decided that as soon as she had passed and I had come to terms with it I would move on and explore my options of where to live next.

In 2020 there weren't any options. There continued to not be options for a while after that. Now, as time has finally started to even out and pass like it's supposed to pass, instead of the slow/fast/manic/depressive pace it went through during the pandemic, I am suddenly left with possibility. And that is scary.

I have a partner in Canada who works in Michigan. So there is a thought to move there. But I'm not sure how my mood will go with the rain and cold. Still, Michigan seems safer than here below the Mason Dixon line.

Currently, in this moment, I am struggling not only with motivation and courage but also with working retail when my brain wants anything but to work in the toxic environment of the needy and the entitled.

I have no energy to be creative and my clock repair hobby is also crawling because of that lack of energy. I don't know how I used to do it. How did I sustain myself while expending so much time and energy on a job like this? It wasn't drugs. I wasn't cool enough for that. It must've been joy to some degree. Youth, certainly. Perhaps hope. Perhaps ignorance/naivety. Whatever it was I definitely don't have it anymore.

Was this meant to be an entry to whine in? No. It wasn't meant to be anything. It wasn't meant to be pithy or amusing or witty or motivational. It was meant to be an entry for boredom and reflect. So there it is. I've done it. I've succeeded.

Now to sacrifice myself to the fatigue that has been insisting on attention for an hour now and draw myself a warm blanket to lie in and drown in my dreams.