#life is life

[thunderon]

i was in the library and the lights went out and i whispered “dark academia” and only one person laughed but ive been having a bad enough week that it felt like a win so cheers

[luna-pink-blogpost]

Hoy es viernes…. Y este cuerpo lo sabe!!

Life it’s life 😃

[frankyoungestein]

[blogdeunamujer]

Amo escuchar el sonido de la lluvia cayendo por mi ventana, me inspira a solo respirar y estar bendecida de vivir y disfrutar de ello

[coolnonsenseworld]

your art tastes snappy, like dry spaghetti in the best was possible. it is like river rocks, it is mineral-y. i like it and you are cool.

I'm still losing it over dry spaghetti. Have some dry spaghetti snappy Mizu from Blue Eye Samurai

[paige-spage]

[skaluli]

wasnt gonna post this until i was happy with it but that was weeks ago and its either i post it now or medic dies in the files

[gay-sin]

my morning routine

i meditate and stretch every morning. after i eat breakfast, i sit on a yoga mat in front of my big window. my old bedroom had no windows and i woke up every day to an alarm clark designed to simulate the sunrise with orange LED lights. i knew from common sense that the sun must have risen but in the darkness i can believe nonsensical things. the whole world felt as dark as my little windowless room and i believed it was. now the sun leaks in through my window every morning and i know for sure that the sun has risen even when i haven’t yet. sometimes i sit in front of my window at the exact time where the light shines directly into my room- casting sharp outlines on the floor. i swear i can feel the warmth entering my skin and entering my bloodstream. somedays it is cloudy and the sun does not kiss my cheeks. nevertheless, i still sit at the window.

i sit on my yoga mat with my iphone and i check my emails and texts and try to find anything else to do on there until i manage to catch myself stalling. then i set a timer for 10 minutes and put my phone down. in that time i sit and feel all the panic in my heart and heaviness in my chest rise up and work their way through my every muscle. i let my mind race around in circles, overanalyzing the thing i said wrong yesterday and all the things i could have said instead. i come back to myself again and again.

then i set another timer, stretch my legs, move my neck and try to learn the language of my body for at least 10 minutes. i try to listen to what it tells me after living in this body for 23 years and never trying to understand it. i wonder if i have been at odds with myself for so long that my body has given up trying to communicate with me. i feel the resonance of so many unanswered calls in the tightness of my shoulders and in the heaviness of my chest. i try to sit with them without pushing them away because they never actually went away. it seems that every time that i ignored them, they just found a place to bury themselves in my tissue. now i sit with them and try to gain back their trust slowly. i incrementally loosen knots that started to be tied into my muscles before i could even speak. it’s hard to convince someone that you want to hear them when you’ve been ignoring them for 23 years. it’s hard to get them to believe you when you aren’t even sure that you believe yourself. every day i get a little closer to proving myself to myself that im someone that will show up for myself. even if it is just for a little bit, in this short ritual. still, every day feels like a flood and every day i think of giving up.

i ask my aunt and my boss for advice about being young because they are older than i am and i want them to say the words to me that will show me a shortcut. i want to be in their place- with many more years of body and brain and seeing and feeling and processing the world to come to some greater understanding. i assume they’ve gotten to a place where each day doesn’t feel like drowning. i pray that there is a faster easier way than sitting with myself every day and doing pushups so that my arms get stronger and the heaviness doesn’t feel so heavy anymore. but the people that are older than me never say anything that magically unties all my knots. i get angry at them because i got my hopes up again.

sometimes friends can reach into my chest for a few moments and i can reach into theirs and we can carry heavy things for each other for a few moments. it feels like magic. i wish i could extinguish the hope that arises each time i feel a respite like that. it is a hope that always seems to want to abandon this old body, old personality, old history. it wants to start again, shed everything, be light. in moments of lightness, i’m always sure that the heaviness has gone away forever. but then my friends have to go to work and i have to go to the grocery store and the heaviness always comes back. i forget to do pushups in my respite because why would i? there is nothing to carry! it’s just as i forget to do pushups in my deepest depressions because why would i? i could never carry it all even if i tried!

i know that i am growing up and that requires discipline. it’s easy to believe that discipline gets in the way of freedom. like: how free are you when you are tied to routine, must maintain commitments, expected to make good on your promises? but as i get older i realize discipline is the only way to truly be free. still, i lack it. i get carried away by hope and fear and get off track of building the muscles to withstand them - so that i may have the freedom to live my life as i want to, despite momentary changes in the weather. instead, i spend weeks in the delusion that there is another way around the pain until i come back to the revelation again and again that there is no way but through. sometimes i spend weeks in the delusion that there is no way to survive the weight of all the pain. i let it disable me. i let it block out all the light and i sit in a cavern of my own mind not unlike my old windowless room. then something beautiful comes along and i am reminded that there is no way that beautiful things like that could exist in this dark dark world i’ve believed myself to be living in. i step outside my cavern and i see the light. i sit in front of it. i feel it sink into my skin. i feel the heaviness. i live another day.

[ducklikethedaffy]

Haven't been doing the best lately. My grandma who was 96 passed away this week, and my mental health has been going through some serious roller coaster because of it. She wasn't ill, she was just old. It all happened so fast yet we had been expecting it for a long time now. It's weird, but that's how it feels.

[dhampling]

mwah hope you have a lovely weekend darling ❤️

YOU TOO MY ANGEL!!!!!!! LOVE YOU!

[frankyoungestein]

Faith in humanity restored

[blogdeunamujer]

La vida se basa en dinero?💰🗣️💫

ummm este tema es un poco extenso, pero lo explicare en mi perspectiva y todo lo que me a sucedido.

Desde ya hace un tiempo para acá, que me volví independiente, ya que quería saber realmente el valor del dinero, con ellos me fui de mii país a vivir en otro, claramente me volví extranjera, pero créeme no fue nada facil, comenzar de cero, me toco buscar trabajo, pensar que quería para mi futuro, en que puedo ser buena, tantas cosas que me subestime demasiado, pero bueno de lo errores aprendemos, y poco a poco pude surgir, tuve muchas altas y bajas pero lo importante es que aprendi de todas ellas, valore demasiado el dinero, valore las amistades que hice, valore mas la vida y la oportunidades que llegan. Simplemente me di cuenta, que el dinero fácilmente puede llegar pero fácilmente se puede ir, también cambia a las personas, el mundo se muevo con solo el dinero, las clases sociales se basan en el dinero, puedo decir que el dinero es la vida pero no toda, porque tu vida cuesta mas que el propio dinero y nadie puede subestimar eso, pero créeme me paso mucho, con amistades y hasta familiares que prefierieron el dinero antes que nada y a la final les fue mal. Pero no todo es malo creanme, cuando te ganas tus dinero honradamente y trabajando bastante, te sientes tan bien, tan lleno, con mas ganas de vivir y de adquirir cosas jaja (porque si también gastamos el dinero es gustos) pero lo que quiero decir, que cuando ganas algo por tu propia cuenta VALE DEMASIADO! y lo mejor no tenerle que pedir nada a nadie, decir "yo mismo me lo compre" es como que WOW!! si puedo lograr esto, imagínate mas adelante. Pero en fin, puede que la vida se base en dinero pero no te ciegas con ello, ni cambies, porque te veras ESTUPIDO E IDIOTA

[zi-ve]

[linpos]

Sürekli çabalamaktan, çalışmaktan, üzülmekten hatta sevinmekten, yürümekten, bazen de beklemekten, trafikten, kavgalardan, kırgınlıklardan.....boşlukları doldurmaktan... dan dan dan

yoruldum.

Ama tüm bunlara rağmen yaşamayı sevmekten yorulmadım. Çelişkili ama umutlu bir insanım. Aman neyse. 🫡🫡

[beenjen]

What a day, week, month, year - and we are not even 2 weeks into January.

// mom is back on chemo, she gets an infusion every 3 weeks and a pill daily. As far as treatment plans, this one isn’t horrible, it does seem to be cumulative with chemo, and farther into the program it takes more and more out of her, becomes more draining.

We are at the point where we are just buying as much time as we can, the treatment options available, aren’t curative, just prolonging - trying to make peace with that is hard. It’s just hard letting go.

// my dad. Where to begin. We were told before Christmas he would be on surveillance therapy as he was doing so well. Then at his CT scan last week they saw extensive changes in his lungs and believe it to be lung cancer. We go in tomorrow for a PET scan and for a biopsy. It’s just the worst possible scenario, and completely floored us.

I keep thinking, nothing else can go wrong you know? Surely nothing else can be added to our plates, and then the universe says, ‘wanna bet?!’

My mom has been an absolute basket case. With all of her chemo and treatments, she just isn’t the same person as she was going into all of this. Chemo changes your brain chemistry and she’s not able to cope - though I will say we have had more on our plate than most and that’s not surprising at this point.

// my boss told me to not stress, that this past year has been a nightmare for my family and that I don’t need to add worrying about my job on top of that. Yet again, I was looking to change positions, and I gotta say, I don’t think above stated universe wants me too. I’m over aspects of my work, I’m good at it though and moving along isn’t going to work right now. I need something stable as everything else just isn’t right now.

// c and I are good. We have a few projects we are working on - house and yard. It’s been a mad dash to get quotes to fix our back retaining wall patio over the river. The foundation cracked with this last freeze and the costs coming in are steep. Home owners insurance has been completely unhelpful, not that I’m surprised really, just would like to catch a flipping break here y’all.

//kids are back at school/daycare. Doing well. C is wanting to change schools, and that’s stressful. He doesn’t feel where we have Jamis is where he needs to be, and frankly adding more upheaval to my plate is beyond me at this point. His teacher is a bit flakey this year - J loves her, she just doesn’t communicate very well. Sometimes she sends an email, sometimes she sends notes in their bag, sometimes it’s on a school app. One week it’ll be Sunday night, the next week Tuesday, and it’s the weekly learning plan/homework, which makes it a struggle without any consistency. Ls teacher, and reminder she’s in pre pre k, sends more ‘homework’ than what my second grader is doing.

Then I get a message from her daycare that they once more don’t have her immunization records. This happens every 6 months. Literally. As I was dropping L this morning, they gave me a handout saying she doesn’t have records since 2020. I’ve updated them so many times and at each pediatrician appointment, I update and provide them a copy. I told the director this morning that I think they have put her records in someone else’s folder or have thrown out the wrong shot sheet because I just did this in October, and last January and the January before that. Each time it’s an ‘urgent matter’ because we are delinquent, and it’s so ridiculous.

Then I felt bad, because I know they have a ton of kids and they are doing their best and I should have just said ‘no problem’ and given her an updated copy (that I keep in my wallet for this purpose), it just was the last straw.

// I’m back in yoga. Found a quaint studio near me that is Uber hippie and I love that shit. Give me all the mood lighting and sage burning and chanting please and thank you. Distract my mind. Chill me out. Do all the things.

Thats a brief recap. Also, noticed tumblr updated something and the posts I see aren’t chronological anymore? Trying to weed through has been a pain. Hope I haven’t missed anything big.

Cousin night, burning things, painting the upstairs bathroom, wall mural, baby plants, meatloaf, dates and this bald eagle who is nesting on our river bank!!!!

Be well xx

[greenduvet]

my saturday!