#like 'i don't need to go there 4 hours early. surely 2 are enough to get pretty far to the front :)'

[tardis--dreams]

I don't really care you got to the front row at the hozier concert. it should have happened to me instead

[gavisuntiedboot]

Just Pretend (Gavi x reader)

Part 5

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Epilogue

Warnings: SMUT!! MDNI or if you're uncomfortable! Profanity!! Swearing!! Ferran and Martin (based on the reactions I think they deserve their own warning)!!

Word Count: 11.2K (fun fact! If you've read the whole story, you've read 46 pages!)

A/N: I'M SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG, BUT THERE'S A LOT I WANTED TO INCLUDE IN THIS PART (AS YOU CAN TELL BY THE WORD COUNT)

[Incoming Facetime call from: Gavi]

"Gavi, you're going to have to learn to live without seeing my face 24/7. I don't want you experiencing withdrawal symptoms while I sleep."

"I just had a question about- is that a jar of pickles?"

"Yes. I felt like having a snack."

"You're disgusting."

"Listen, I brought several things back from university life in America, and a pickle addiction was one of them. Let me have little joys in life. What did you call me for? Besides to shame me for my midnight guilty pleasures?"

This was the 7th time in two weeks that Gavi had Facetimed you at odd hours. After your little heart-to-heart while drunk in the club, and him covering for you at work the next morning, he caved into the impulsive thoughts and called you, wanting to make sure you were okay.

"Gavi it's 10pm. If you want me to help you hide a body, call me during working hours."

He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding at the sound of your voice. You were okay. Like actually okay. All of the distress in your voice, the shakiness, the panic - it had all disappeared. You were back to your cool self, and it filled him with a warm and gooey sense of relief. He kept you on the phone for about 10 minutes before his internal monologue told him it was enough, and he went to bed with a strange tightness in his chest.

For the first three weeks, it had been strictly texts and phone calls. Gavi was still sending you his daily little updates, some relevant, most not.

[Gavi]: Compression socks are really tight on my shins. Feels like they're cutting off my blood flow.

[Gavi]: pedri keeps telling me to eat bananas to help with my back cramps. Fact or cap?

[Gavi]: saw someone on tiktok make a Joao Felix thirst trap. Anything you want to confess?

This texting remained constant, and then he supplemented with phone calls. After the check-up call, he had to find new excuses to call you. He started scheduling his early-morning sessions over the phone instead of over text, asking about your life in the meantime. He started "forgetting" things in your office, calling to tell you he would be there before practice to pick them up. It hadn't annoyed you, per se, but confused you. Why was Gavi so comfortable calling you and just talking about random things on the phone? Initially, you had joked with him to stop calling you so frequently.

"Gavi, personal number. Personal. You should keep all work related stuff to emails only. I don't get paid to listen to you ramble about Game of Thrones."

"I know you well enough by now to know that if you didn't want to hear my voice, you would hang up."

He wasn't exactly wrong. You were not one to shy away from hanging up in someone's face if you were irritated (you had done it to Ferran the one time he called you from Gavi's phone). You also didn't really have anyone else to talk to. Angelika, despite acting unemployed, worked for a design house in the city, and her designs had been approved as part of the new line. She now spent every waking moment working on the spring/summer collection that needed to be shown in February. She had even stopped bugging you to go to the club. The only times you heard from her were when she sent "Hey I'm alive just busy" texts, or on the weekends when she begged you to drive her to the far fabric stores. There weren't many other people that you wanted to talk to. Your friends in the US were several hours behind. Your friends in Barcelona were kind of exhausting, and not who you wanted to hear from after a long day of work. And Martin?

Martin was ... interesting. You definitely liked being with him in person. Your dinners were romantic. Martin always picked you up and took you to the nicest restaurant, allowing you to order the expensive plates that would actually make you full. He always complimented your dress and your eyes and the way you looked despite having a long day at work. He was a theoretical great boyfriend. You liked going out with him every 3-4 days. You liked getting good morning and good night texts and the hot pre-game selfies whenever you checked your phone between shifts at work. But in those late nights when you were bored and lonely, and your TV shows were all boring you, Martin was not the first person you thought of calling.

While he was great over dinner, he wasn't the most entertaining or comforting presence. He had a habit of downplaying a lot of the things you were feeling or going through.

"Baby, people make sexual comments all the time. Just look at how people on Twitter talk about the players. You should be more flattered than anything that he complimented your ass."

That was the last time you ever called him after a long and tiring day of work. Your text messages were filled with only pleasant conversations. A good goal he scored in practice. Praise you received from the rest of the medical staff for your progress. Never your frustration with your job or your life or the sad boring things that regular, not famous not football players went through.

"It's like 7pm this is not a midnight snack."

The sound of Gavi's voice brought you back from your abstract thoughts. You looked at his face lit up on the screen. His hair was a little wild and still slightly damp from his shower. He was in a white t-shirt that hugged his shoulders. He placed his phone down so that he could show you his complaint.

"Remember how we were talking about my knee and thigh tightness? I've been trying to work out the muscle for a while but it's not helping."

He moved back from the camera, letting his black gym shorts and legs come in to the frame. He lifted his left short leg, showing off the pronounced muscles in his thigh. You brought the phone a little closer to your face, focusing on his leg. He flexed the muscle, and you swallowed hard. You had seen some of the best legs in football laying in front of you - so why was Gavi's slightly blurry form on FaceTime overwhelming you?

"Have you been doing the routine I gave you to improve blood flow? It looks like you haven't."

"It's hard to do! I tried multiple times and I'm just in pain every time. We just have a match tomorrow and like it's kind of uncomfortable. It's fine I can just play through it if you don't have any other recommendations."

This made you sit up. If there was one thing that would get both of you in deep shit, it was Gavi playing through a known and documented discomfort.

"You're not going to do that. If you get injured during the match then I-"

"Awe doctora, you're concerned about me getting injured?"

He got up close to the camera, smiling cheekily and feigning shyness. You rolled your eyes.

"If you get injured in the match I will get in trouble because your muscle tightness is in your file. So you have two options: do the blood flow massage I told you to, or I need to email Xavi now and tell him you should be playing a maximum of 60 minutes in tomorrow's match."

This statement made Gavi sober up, looking instantly more serious.

"We're not telling Mister Xavi anything. I actually don't know how to do the blood flow stuff without feeling like I'm peeling off my own skin."

"Would it kill you not to play all 90 minutes tomorrow?"

"Yes." There was not one indication, neither in his tone or on his face, that he was kidding. Gavi's love for football was evident, but it was deeper than most people saw. Barca wasn't just his club - it was the air he breathed, the blood in his veins. It was his family, his brotherhood since he was a child. It was the greatest love he had ever experienced, and he was honestly willing to lay his life down if it meant making Mister and the boys proud. He would die for this club.

"You know what doctora? You can just do it for me tomorrow morning before the match."

"You can't play right after we literally batter your muscles to increase blood flow. You have to do it within the next few hours to have enough time to rest. I wish you told me this morning, I could have..." Your sentence trailed as you looked at your front door. Your car keys were sitting in the dish. You had been thinking about going out to get some dinner, too tired to wait for chicken to defrost.

"Hello? Can you focus on the crisis at hand instead of daydreaming?"

"What if I came over and did it for you now?"

Gavi's eyes got wide and he stared at his screen. He was trying to process the information that had just slithered into his brain. You? At his house? At night? Alone???

"Wait." He said, and then hung up the call. You looked at your screen in confusion.

He stabilized his hands enough to find the contact.

*Calling: ~banana king pepi~ *

"Pick up pick up pick up pick up-"

"Hello?"

"Help. Me."

Pedri paused his game, much to the dismay of his brother, who was about to score a virtual goal.

"Pablo I know you didn't go to regular school, but you should know that in an emergency you should call the police."

"Y/n asked to come to my house."

Pedri bit back a laugh, removing the controller from his lap and putting the call on speaker so Fernando could be a part of the drama.

"You finally confessed that you're in love with her and want to kick her boyfriend's teeth in?"

"I'm not in love with her, we're just friends. That second part you might be right about." Gavi summarized your reasons for coming over quickly, asking Pedri for some sage advice while he and Fer raised their eyebrows at each other in amusement.

"As long as you have condoms, invite her over Hermano."

"I don't like her like that."

"Then why are you nervous about her coming to your place?" That was a good question. He didn't know why the idea of seeing you outside of work put all his internal systems on high alert, but it did. His hands were sweating at the prospect of opening the door and seeing you standing there in something other than scrubs.

"I'm not. I'm just going to tell her to come over. No need to make a big deal about it."

"Have fun Pablito." Fernando chimed in. Gavi scoffed and hung up. He called you once again.

"Where did you go?"

"Pedri called me to make sure we were going to the stadium together tomorrow. So, are you going to come here?"

"You never gave me an address. Or a yes for that matter." You laughed out. Your heart beat began to pick up. Did Gavi not want you at his place? Did he have another girl there? 'Why would he be calling you if another girl was there?' I don't know, brain, men are weird.

"Oh. Yeah. Yes. To coming over. I want you to. I'll text you the address right now." Something in your chest tightened at this statement. Your phone dinged, and you looked at the address Gavi had sent you.

"Cool. I'll be there in 20."

The drive to Gavi's place was calm. Old One Direction played over your car's aging speakers. The chilly night air came through the rolled down windows, winter finally making its first appearances in the middle of November. As you got closer to your destination, the surroundings started to look familiar.

Gavi was looking at the street from the window of his bedroom. In his La Masia shirt and black shorts, he had perched for all 18 minutes that it took you to drive over, right after he tidied the house. He didn't want you to think he was a teenage slob. If Gavi really thought about it, he would have admitted: all he wanted was for you to respect him - see him as a man. Someone put together and capable.

You parked at the bottom of his building, texting that you had arrived. He tried not to, but he ran down the whole staircase, swinging the door open before you had gotten out of the car.

"Hey. You know you live like walking distance from Martin?" You said, approaching the front door. Gavi's face soured at this news. He was never subtle about his distaste for Martin. After that night at the club, he had made it very obvious that he thought you should break up with Martin, or at least give him a stern talking to for leaving you to stumble around drunk and alone - especially since he was the one forcing drinks on you.

"Wonderful. I'll make sure to go and give him a nice neighborly gift."

"Like what? A black eye?"

"I was just thinking of pissing in his bushes but now that you mention it I really do think "bruised" is a good look on him..." He lifted his hand to his chin to look like he was thinking. You shoved him off balance, walking towards the door.

"Lets go, Gavi. I get cranky if I don't get all my beauty sleep."

He walked into the house first, holding the door open for you. You were honestly impressed: the place did not look like a teenager's house. The bottom floor was a spacious living room and dining room, with the kitchen connected by a low wall. The tan walls had vintage Barca and Spain National Team posters hung on them. There was a large TV mounted on the wall, a PS5 placed on the shelf beneath it, a pile of games stacked high. His couch was a long L shape. black leather wrapping around a black coffee table.

"You have a Barca coffee table book?" You asked, giggling slightly as you picked up the massive picture book.

"I've been with the club since I was like 11. Everything I own I have it in Barca colors."

You looked over at the stairs and the soft glow from the top of them. Something in you was dying to know what Gavi's bedroom looked like. How many hoodies he owned, what color his sheets were, how many pillows he slept on...

You shook yourself from this line of thinking. Despite the two of you getting closer and friendlier, Gavi was still technically just your coworker. You shouldn't want to know all these things about him.

"Ok where is the stone I gave you?" You put your hand out expectantly, and he dropped the black massage gua sha in it. Gavi moved to lay on the couch, mimicking what he would do in your office.

"Before you sit down, what have you been using as lubricant?"

He snapped his head at you, cheeks and the tips of his ears turning pink.

"I, I, um, lub- why do you need to know what kind of lubricant I use? That's a really personal question?"

You stared at him in confusion, wondering why he had gotten shy and stuttery at the question.

"So I can use that lubricant on you now?" He stood up, swallowing hard. He took several deep breaths before saying:

"y/n, I didn't invite you here to do anything sexual. If this is a joke that Pedri asked you to play it's-"

"Pablo you brainless bitch. I meant what have you been using as massage lubricant, because you're not supposed to scrape the stone across your dry skin."

You both stared at each other for a long moment. You had one brow raised, smirk playing on your lips. You were holding back a laugh at the thought: Gavi was thinking you wanted to know what he used to jerk off. Or sleep with someone. That second thought made you slightly nauseous. Gavi's eyes were wide, his mouth still open in shock. You had the courage to speak first.

"I see that the reason you have been feeling pain is because you have been giving yourself microabruises. Go get some oil or lotion so I can do this for you, and I expect my gas money in full tomorrow on my desk."

"Can you, uh, turn around?"

"Why?"

"I don't... I don't want you seeing where I got the lotion from."

"See now Pablo, if you had just gone upstairs, I would have thought it was from the cabinet or the bathroom. But since you've made it weird, you've confirmed that it's from your bedside table. Just go before you make this situation more sexually awkward."

“No but I-“

You held up one finger to your lips to silence him, then pointed in the direction of the stairs. He shuffled past you awkwardly and then took off, taking the stairs two at a time. You laughed to yourself. It was always funny seeing glimpses of innocence and youth in Gavi, especially since he was always pushing himself to act older and more mature.

Pablo was not having a good time. He ran to his bathroom to splash cold water on his now violently blushing face. He thought you would be able to see the mess of clothes in his bedroom if he opened the door. Now the conversation had shifted into an oddly sexual realm, and he didn’t know how to deal. The idea of sex didn’t usually embarrass him - it bothered him when the guys would talk about nothing else, but he thought he had finally reached a level of maturity where he could say “pussy” and not giggle. So why was he so damn shy right now? Why was he embarrassed to his core that you had mentioned him jerking off?

Pablo would describe his masturbatory habits as efficient. Once he and his teammates at La Masía turned 14, the medical staff had all sat them down for “the talk”. Obviously there was the parental stuff about safe sex and all that, but from a sports aspect he knew: sexual frustration is bad for performance. So a couple nights a week he would rub one out hoping to ensure optimal performance. Lately, however, he has lessened his “alone time” significantly. Since Ferran had shown him that picture of you, since he started daydreaming about holding your hand, the feel of your skin, he was borderline afraid to jerk off. He didn’t want to see your face. Coming to terms with the fact that he liked your company was already too overwhelming. Pablo was convinced this was a waiting game: you were just new and exciting. Eventually he would see another picture of another girl, and you would go back to “that one girl physio”, and he could jerk in peace.

He came back downstairs, sheepishly handing you a tube of lotion, and then quickly laying on the couch, hoping to avoid your line of sight.

“Lotion for Men? Gavi, you know that your skin won’t melt off it the product doesn’t say ‘for men’ right?”

“We had a media intern last year that saw a tube of strawberry chapstick in my bag, and she sent the picture to 3 or 4 gossip instagram pages, saying ‘look! Stuff for women! Gavi has a girlfriend!’ So now I only use stuff that can’t be mistaken as something for my nonexistent girlfriend.”

“What if they think you have a boyfriend instead?”

“That might be ideal actually. Then maybe I could go home without being mobbed.”

You smiled at Gavi, who was now more relaxed and far less red. His arms were crossed behind his head, legs stretched out and shorts rolled up slightly so you could access the upper parts of his thighs. You placed some lotion on his legs and began rubbing it in.

“Wow. Does the rest of the team know you offer private massage services?” He asked, resting his head and looking up at the ceiling.

“Obviously not. You think Ferran would ever leave me alone if he knew this was an option?”

Gavi laughed loudly at this. Watching you reject and diss Ferran on an almost daily basis was the highlight of training. Sometimes your responses were so creative that he would run to write them down before the end of the break. His personal favorite was when Ferran asked when you two were finally going to go on a date, and you replied with ‘After my lobotomy next week so my brain is immune to mind numbing conversation with you’.

But as he looked down at you, Pablo noticed that your face was twisted in distain. You began moving the stone around his thighs, working in sweeping downward motions. The frown lines etched hard into your skin, eyes narrowed in concentration and slight disgust.

“Does Ferran make you uncomfortable?”

“It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“So the answer is yes he does.” Gavi’s voice was lowering with genuine concern. He and the team, the coaches, and even the rest of the physical staff only really laughed at or brushed off your daily interactions with the player. He hadn’t realized how deeply the comments were bothering you. But now it was evident as you swallowed and started working his thigh a little harder.

“I don’t want to speak ill of your friend.”

“If he’s bothering you, you should have told me. Or someone else on the team. We could have made him stop.”

“But why wasn’t me telling him I didn’t like it enough to make him stop?”

You pressed harder into Gavi now, stone running alone the muscles in his calf. You should have been using a lighter hand, but emotion you had been suppressing for months was all bubbling to the surface.

“You’re going kind of hard on my leg…”

“Why does it have to be you or Xavi or Dr. Gonzalez? Why do my words hold so little weight? So little value?”

“Okay this is painful now-“

“Why does it have to be one of you to say ‘hey, you shouldn’t make sexual remarks to someone on staff’? You think he tells anyone else their ass looks good in scrubs? Or that he’s glad their office has a door with a lock? No. It’s just me. Because I’m a girl he can talk about fucking me in broad daylight around the whole squad, and I have to shut up and keep him happy or I lose my job. It’s just so-“

“Ay fuck y/n!” Gavi yelled out, grabbing your wrist and tugging it forcefully to get you to stop your abuse on his leg. You grabbed his other thigh with your free hand, digging your fingers into the flesh. He looked you in the eyes, and finally noticed the tears starting to form.

“I know how you feel.”

"No you fucking don't, Pablo!" You yelled back, hand digging into his thigh, the other still in his grasp. This is when the first tear finally fell. I had been weighing on you for weeks - the slow realization that you were never going to respected in the way you deserved. A part of you knew that Martin was contributing to this burden as well. The arch of his brow when you talked about sports medicine terms, the mocking smile that played on his lips. The way he had adopted Ferran's disgusting little pet name of 'nurse'. You were disintegrating from the inside, and knowing that the others thought it was a joke, that Pablo thought it was a joke, was the final straw.

Gavi could do nothing but stare. His eyes softened, taking in your slumped form. It was like watching Hercules fall to his knees. Like watch the stars were falling from the sky and hitting the Earth in a fiery blaze. Watching you, who was normally so cool, so confident, so self assured, shake with silent tears was breaking something in Gavi. The way you said his name made his heart physically ache. You rarely diverted from his nickname to use his first name. 'When you did, it usually indicated a serious tone 'Pablo' meant there was something serious, something heavy. Now that heaviness was against your throat, suffocating you, and you were tired of carrying it.

Gavi stopped thinking. He acted on impulse only. He tugged the wrist that was in his hand, pulling you in. Your head met with his hard chest, and you felt one arm circle your shoulder. You remained like this for a long moment: up against Gavi, his arm pressing you into his chest, his shirt soaking up the wetness on your cheeks.

"'m sorry. I wont let him talk to you that way anymore."

You composed yourself, pushing yourself off Gavi and wiping your eyes. You looked away, embarrassed that you'd made him comfort you - that you'd broken down in front of him.

"It's okay. I can deal with Ferran."

"But you shouldn't have to."

"It's not your job to protect me, Pablo."

You finished the rest of your job in silence. Your fingers moved expertly around his skin, working out the muscle and pressing into his flesh, a soft gasp or hiss from Gavi being the only sound to fill the room. Your anger was irrational, but you couldn't quell it. You had gotten this far in life without the protection or defense of anyone, and you weren't prepared to be coddled now. You finished quickly, wiping your hands on your pant legs and moving to grab your bag.

"I'm going to go now. Get some sleep for tomorrow's match against Betis. Good night." You tried to walk past Gavi without looking up, but he blocked your path.

"You're in my way."

"You're not leaving while you're upset."

"You want me to stop being upset? Stop pretending you give a shit about my feelings. You want to look like a man? Telling off Ferran so people think you're a good person?" You shoved past Gavi once again, and once again he moved in front of you, blocking the door completely.

"Just because you're older than me doesn't mean I'll let you disrespect me in my own house. I'm not pretending to give a shit. I do give about your comfort and your feelings because last I check, we're friends. I've been waiting to break Ferran's shins for weeks, I've just been waiting for you to say so."

"You think it would make me feel better for you to hurt a teammate? Could you be any more juvenile?"

Gavi took a step towards you, arms crossed over his chest, breathing more heavy. He looked you straight in the eye, not allowing you to break from the gaze.

"You can yell at me all you want. You can be angry at the fact that I care about you. You can punch me," he hit on his chest, "right here if you want to. But I am not a child. Don't refer to me as one. So you can go an be upset and pretend that everything I do is selfish, but you know deep down that no matter how much you push me away, I'm looking out for your best interest." He opened the door and stepped aside.

"Drive safely, doctora."

You walked to your car, turning to gaze at Gavi, who leaned against the door frame, watching you intently. You were the most confusing person he had ever met. You were stubborn and easily irritated. You refused to accept help. You were fucking frustrating. But as he watched you walk to your car, something warm filled his body. He didn't want you to leave. He wanted to rush after you, pull you into his chest again, and take you upstairs. He wanted you to see the mess in his bedroom. He wanted you to lay on the couch. And the drive didn't feel like you were going home. It felt like you had left something important behind.

~

The next morning you were up before your alarm. You couldn't find sleep or peace. Your words to Gavi had eaten you alive all through the night. You knew you had been too harsh, projected too far onto him, but you hadn't been thinking straight. It hurt differently to think that he was laughing at your expense. The guilt followed you around all morning as you prepared yourself for the match. You slicked back your hair, pulling it away from your face, and dressed in the slacks and pullover that all the field medics were regulated to wear. But as you sipped your lukewarm coffee, the guilt still sat in your stomach, swirling and festering and making you nauseous. So you swallowed your pride with your last sip of coffee and pressed the call button.

"Uh, hello? Am I late?" Gavi's voice asked, raspy and dripping with the remnants of sleep. He sounded like a child who was woken up for school.

"Oh no, you're not late. I'm up early... couldn't sleep."

"Why not?" Gavi was now fully awake after processing that you had called him. His heartrate elevated slowly, the sound of your voice helping the tiredness slip away from his very being.

"I... I feel guilty about yesterday. I shouldn't have taken out all my anger on you and your thigh tissue. I really appreciate you looking out for me. I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

Gavi was leaning against his sink, swaying back and forth and smiling stupidly. You were thinking about him. You appreciated him. It made him swell with pride. He listened intently to the rest of your apology, hypnotized by the sound of your voice.

"There's no need to apologize doctora. I understand that you were upset."

"But I still feel bad. I was.. pretty mean to you yesterday. I want to make sure that you're not still upset with me."

Gavi looked into the mirror, smiling and dancing at your response.

"If you really want to make it up to me, I would like to cash in my favor."

You were in the process of grabbing your keys when you paused, eyebrows pulled together in confusion.

"Favor? I don't remember owing you any favors."

"La doctora, you don't remember? Let me refresh your memory. You go home drunk and don't set an alarm. I come up with a wonderful and convincing excuse for Dr. G so that you don't get in trouble. You owe me, and I quote, anything I want. Ring any bells?"

You scrunched your face and groaned in distain. You remembered rather vividly now the promise you had made.

"Alright Gavi, hit me with it. I can take it. How am I repaying you saving my job?" You heard a low chuckle from the other side of the line.

"You'll be driving me home from the stadium starting today until we break for Christmas."

"What?!"

"You'll be driving me home. Pedri is working with Adidas for several campaigns over the next month, and it'll be a pain getting home after practice. Since you know the way now, you can get there easily. And hey, you can even visit Martin afterwards."

You started your car, thinking about the ask. It was on your way home anyways to drive by Gavi's neighborhood. And it would probably make you both even after your missteps.

"Fine. We will discuss further in the stadium when I see you. Go go, prep for the match. I want us to win today."

"We are going to win for sure. Give us a harder goal."

"Don't be arrogant Gavi. See you at noon."

~

Matchday at the camp was always extremely hectic, but especially for the medical staff. Meetings started at 9am despite the game not beginning until 3pm. All the equipment had to be approved by La Liga through inspection. Your wardrobe was inspected as well, and once again you were told off for not removing your rings. You pulled them off your fingers begrudgingly, hearing once again the lecture about rings tearing gloves. You were already over the match by the time the players started to arrive.

You made your way to the locker room to do some checks on players with pre-listed discomforts, making suggestions to prevent injury during the game. You were greeted warmly by the players as you pulled out your clipboard and pen. You made your way around, telling certain players to wear compression socks, and instructing others to stretch in certain ways. You made your way over to Pedri and Gavi, pulling out your notes.

"Pedri, how is that right thigh?"

"Amazing, y/n. I've been using resistance bands nightly like you instructed. I feel as flexible as playdoh."

"Always great to hear. Also congrats about the expanded Adidas contract." Pedri lifted his shirt over his head and looked at you somewhat confused.

"Ah thank you but... which contract specifically?"

Gavi's eyes were wide in panic. He had forgotten to fill in Pedri about his little white lie. It was true that Pedri had some filming with Adidas, but it would take about 3 days max. There was no reason that Gavi could pinpoint that would make him lie to get you to drive him home for 4 weeks. But he did it anyways, and now he needed to make sure it didn't collapse because of a lapse in communication.

"Gavi told me you'd be filming with Adidas, so I'll be driving him home until the Christmas break."

Pedri shot a look to the younger boy, one eyebrow arched, and found the expression of desperation on his face. The smile crept onto Pedri's face, proud of his friend for finally making some sort of move with you, even if he was yet to admit it was made because of the crush he was harboring.

"Oh that's right! They have us filming a lot of content at night to show off the color of these new boots, so it's really helpful that you'll be taking little Gavi home."

The sigh of relief was almost a little too loud. Gavi would fill Pedri in later, but for now, he was glad that he hadn't been caught in the lie.

"Anytime. Now onto little Gavi himself - how is the thigh tension?" You worked on Gavi, evaluating his physical form.

"I didn't know the nurse was making house visits today!"

Your jaw clenched and eye twitched at the sound of Ferran's voice. You took a deep breath, calming your nerves, and continued to check for signs of bruising and distress, crouched close to the ground to inspect Gavi's thighs.

"Wow Pablito, got her on her knees for you? You'll have to tell me the secret."

"Ferran, you couldn't get a dog to love you if you were covered in bacon. Be quiet and get changed so you can sit on the bench for 90 minutes."

You looked up at Gavi, shocked at his response. You squeezed his thigh, causing him to meet your concerned gaze.

"Gavi, tell me to shut up again and you'll be preparing for a prolonged hospital stay."

"I'd like to see you fucking try, Torres." Gavi moved from his place, approaching Ferran, before a hand from Pedri gripped his shoulder. One of the assistant coaches noticed the argument and rushed over, eager to prevent his players from killing each other.

"What the hell is going on?"

Ferran looked at Gavi with disgust, and then turned his eyes to rest on your chest.

"I think y/n is creating an uncomfortable environment in the locker room. I'd prefer if she wasn't here." He said, smirk playing on his lips. Your face paled, the colors draining and nausea bubbling. The last thing you needed was a complaint from a player.

"She wasn't doing anything except looking at my leg. She didn't even speak." Gavi responded, voice high and a touch too loud to be respectful.

"y/n, it may be better if you leave for field inspection. Send in Antonio to continue current problem rounds."

You nodded and walked out of the locker room, feeling utterly embarrassed. All you ever wanted was to make a good impression and be respected, and it seemed that no one paid your wellbeing any mind. You bit back your feelings and went to find Antonio. Gavi was not as merciful.

"What mental deficiencies do you suffer from that would make you say that? What if she loses her job?"

"She won't lose her job. She'll get a warning because of player complaints, and then she'll come to me and do whatever I ask to get the complaint removed. Just want to watch her bend over that desk just once before they realize she's incompetent."

"Say nasty shit about y/n in front of me again and I'll kick your fucking teeth in."

Ferran wanted to laugh, but the sound died in his throat when he saw the look in Gavi's eyes. His eyes were angry, cold-blooded, and murderous.

"You wouldn't dare." He retorted, trying to regain some confidence by calling the bluff.

"We play football for a living. I can make it look like a fucking accident." With that, Gavi left the locker room, ready to be away from Ferran and his punchable face.

~

Normally, you loved being on the sidelines for matches. You got to watch all the action as it occurred, and you got hands-on experience with the Barca players and the visiting teams (maybe it was bad, but you prayed Joao would need medical attention when Atletico was at Camp Nou). You got to enjoy every aspect of your job, and feel like you had come a significant way in your journey. Normally. Today, you wish you were at home or in your office or anywhere but the sidelines. Word had gotten back to both the coaching staff and the rest of the team about the little disagreement in the locker room, and now all eyes were on you. Xavi gave you the normal courtesy head nod, but gave you specific instructions to stay away from the bench and the players. It was a mortifying experience, and you prayed this game would end quickly and painlessly.

Your wish was granted in the first half. The team was playing cohesively and relatively safely, with a couple fouls here and there but no injuries requiring any attention. Lewandowsky scored a goal in the 34th minute, putting the team in the lead 1-0 at the half (during which, you were asked not to be in the locker room or the tunnel). This only made you feel worse. Player complaint were the kiss of death for any aspiring professionals in sports. You get into a disagreement with a player? You're gone. Why? Because there are thousands of physios and photographers and water boys, but only onw left forward worth 48 million Euros.

In the second half, however, you did not get your wish. Areal collisions came one after the other, requiring you to rapidly check players for any sort of head trauma. In the 67th minute, Gavi assisted Pedri with an amazing goal from deep in the box. You jumped when you saw the ball hit the back of the net. Pedri did his signature goal celebrations, and after he pulled away, your eyes locked with Gavi. He raised his eyebrows at you and you returned the gesture, and then he resumed the aggressive attacking. At minute 70, you were contemplating packing your things. The intensity of the match had died down significantly. Barca were passively looking for a third goal, and were not as prone to injury. This all changed in minute 72, when the midfielder decided he hated Gavi. Dribbling with the ball, Gavi was trying to turn to give him more options to pass or dribble, but he was surrounded by three people. As he tried to break free, the Betis player's knee collided with Gavi's groin. Hard.

The sound of the collision and then the fall to the ground sounded like it was heard in the entirety of the stadium. Your jaw went slack and eyes went wide. Gavi was on the floor, unmoving. You didn't even think, using enough brain power to grab the medical bag at your side, and then sprinted across the field to Gavi. There was a crowd of players surrounding him now, creating a tight ring of people. You approached the group, placing your hands on the nearest person, and then shoving.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY! MEDIC! MOVE!"

You finally go the bodies to disperse, and laying there was Gavi, tears in his eyes and whimpering from pain. He had one arm slung over his face, and the other gripped his shirt in immense pain. When he saw you approach, he looked at you with pleading eyes, begging for anything that would stop the throbbing pain he was experiencing.

"Gavi, where did you get kneed exactly? Where is the most intense pain?" You asked, kneeling to the ground and pulling on your gloved.

"My... my dick. I got kneed in the dick and it feels like hell." He replied. He was in too much pain to be shy. His dick fucking hurt, and he wanted anything to soothe the pain as quickly as possible.

"Gavi, I'm going to touch you now, okay?" You asked, hand hovering over the area. He nodded, not fully processing what you were saying or what was happening. You placed your hand over his dick and his eyes shot open. You began to massage the area slightly, moving your hand around, trying to prevent receptors of pain from activating and working to increase blood flow to the area.

And increase blood flow you did. Gavi felt the blood begin to pool in his shorts, and now that the pain was subsiding the embarrassment was returning, he took in what was actually happening. You had one hand on his cock and balls, moving them around slowly, and one on his hip, making sure the area wasn't sensitive. You looked up at Gavi, who was still in somewhat intense pain.

"Here, give me your hand." You placed your hand atop his, guiding it to his injury.

"Keep moving your hand around where you got kneed, and we'll get you on the bench. I would give you ice but I don't think that's idea here. Can you walk alone?" Gavi nodded, and you and the medical staff cleared the field. Gavi walked to the bench himself, earning cheers and love from all the fans in the stadium. He sat on the bench, continuing to massage his bruised genitals, and trying to make his blush subside by the end of the match.

~

After a stunning 3-0 win, you were ready to go to bed and never wake up again. Your whole body ached, and you had gotten dizzy from the sun exposure mixed with the biting chill of late November. You were barely able to drag your body to the players area - which you still could not enter. You received an email on your phone saying that Dr. Gonzalez would speak to you personally regarding the player complaint. Just as you were ready to burst into tears, Gavi emerged from the locker room, Pedri trailing close behind.

"Enjoy the game today?" Pedri asked, pulling you out of your trance.

"Loved it. I just wish Gavi could stop running into people so I could have a better viewing experience."

Gavi took this as an opportunity to enter the discussion, groaning on about how the other teams bullied him and were extra tough on him as the three of you walked to the garage.

"See you tomorrow, Pedri." You waved, unlocking your car and climbing into the driver's seat. He waived at you, and approached Gavi to hug him goodbye. As he pulled the younger boy in he whispered in his ear.

"I don't know how you thought of this little lie, but now you're going to be alone with her every day for four weeks. Ready to admit that you like her?" Gavi let out a fake laugh, playfully slapping Pedri on the shoulder.

"I don't like her like that. I just want to relieve some burden off of you, Hermano."

"Mhm yeah I'm sure. Just try not to get hard watching her drive on your first ride home. Wait until day 4 or 5." With that, Pedri walked to his own car, getting ready to call Fernando and update him about the circus that was Pablo's love life, and enjoying only being mobbed by 1/2 the normal amount of fans.

Gavi walked to your car quickly, climbing in and tossing his bag in the back. He tried not to think about Pedri's words. He was perfectly capable of sitting next to you, his friend, without being aroused just because you were a girl. At least he hoped he was. He was not hunched over and thinking deeply. Why did he decide that this was the best way for you to repay him? It's not like Pedri had ever complained about chauffeuring him around. And it's not like he didn't enjoy rides home with Pedri, listening to Quevedo and making idle conversation. But lately he just wanted to be around you - make sure you were okay.

The ring of your phone broke Gavi's train of thought. You answered on your car's speaker.

"Hola Martin. How are you doing?"

The sound of Martin's voice twisted Gavi's intestines, making him nauseous and fatigued. He hated the sound of his voice, the thought of his face, the words that he strung together and decided to say to you.

"Hola sexy. How are you doing this evening?"

You rolled your eyes. You knew exactly why Martin had chosen to call at this time. You had texted him earlier in the day, asking if he would be home that evening so you could drop by. This had led to a brief inquisition, with Martin wondering why you wanted to see him suddenly, and why you would be in his neighborhood. Once he found out it was because you would be in a car with Gavi alone, something in his behavior switched. He suddenly wanted to be a doting boyfriend who called and checked up on you.

"I'm doing well. You're on speaker in the car. I'm driving Gavi home right now."

"Are you still coming over afterwards? I've missed you so bad." Martin whined out that last part in such an animated way that it made you want to laugh. You knew what he was doing. He wanted to assert his dominance over Gavi, and make it think that you were going to swiftly go get railed by Martin right after you delivered Gavi at his doorstep. the truth was, despite dating Martin for several months now, you two had yet to go all the way. There had of course been kissing and some heavy petting, but no articles of clothing had never his the floor.

"I'll see how I'm feeling after Gavi leaves and call you then. Bye Martin." You said quickly, hanging up the call once you took a quick look at the disgusted look Gavi had plastered on.

"I'd mock you if I didn't think I would throw up." He said, trying to be lighthearted but failing. You didn't reply, feeling slightly embarrassed that he had to listen to your boyfriend's weak attempts to prove his manliness.

"No it's okay, go ahead and mock my boyfriend who moans on the phone when other people can hear." Your laugh was also stiff and forced. The call had made the air thicker and the mood more tense. You handed Gavi the phone, instructing him to play some music so that you weren't sat in the awkward silence that Martin seemed to always create between the two of you.

"This is a lot of pressure now on me. I'm never on AUX." He says, scrolling through his music. He pressed the song, and the sound poured from the speakers.

"Enrique Iglesias? Isn't he before your time?" You asked, smiling from ear to ear. You loved Cuando Me Enamoro, and the familiarity helped release the tension from your shoulders. As the song played, you started softly singing along. You opened the cover of the moon roof, allowing more of the street light to enter the car.

Gavi turned to look at you, examining your features. Your eyes were soft, focused on the road ahead of you. Your fingers drummed against the steering wheel to the beat. You had one leg up as you drove, leaning into the door slightly. Your lips moved along with the lyrics, singing contently. Gavi could not move his eyes from the sight. Your lips forming every letter were drawing in his focus, hypnotizing him. He never wanted to look away from the soft pink flesh. His thoughts began escaping his control. He wanted to hear you sing louder. He wanted to hear you speak, watching those lips talk about anything your heart held a passion for. He wondered what they would feel like against the pads of his fingers. He imagined what it would be like to kiss them - softly at first, just to feel their warmth and softness. Then harder, to interlock with his own, to bite them, pull them, have them stretched around him, make them cry out his name.

"Pablo?"

He snapped up, giving himself whiplash. Gavi had not noticed that he had rested himself on the center console, leaning against his palm and daydreaming so deeply it drowned out the sound of your voice calling his name.

"Sorry to disturb your deep pondering, but we're here." He looked up at you, vision still rose tinted from the deep dive he had conducted on your lips. His mouth hung open, wanting to say something, but the words would not form in his head. He wanted to touch you. He wanted you to be closer. But he couldn't say it. So instead he extended his hand for a fist bump, coupled with a quick mutter of 'goodnight'. He grabbed his bag, quickly closing the door and digging for his keys.

"Gavi?"

He looked back at you. Your eyes locked for a moment. His hazel eyes conveyed an emotion that you couldn't understand. You didn't want to look away from him.

"I'll see you tomorrow, right?" There was a plead in the question that didn't escape either of you. It was a request. You wanted to see him. His eyes softened, crinkling at the sides as a smile spread across his space.

"Of course, doctora. Drive safe, and let me know when you get home."

Your eyes remained locked until Gavi shut his front door. He leaned against it breathing deeply, as you leaned your head against your steering wheel. You both felt a deep longing for the other, the feeling of "I miss you" sinking in as soon as the door clicked. But he got off the door, and you turned your engine back on, and you both ignored the feeling that something was missing.

~

Gavi was proud of himself. He was only half hard after leaving the car, despite the most sinful and inappropriate thoughts about your lips festering in his mind. He tried to eat, but he had no appetite. All he wanted to do was call you, text you, read your old messages. He threw his phone on his bed. He didn't understand why you now took up so much of his headspace and thought. He went to shower for the third time that day, hoping to relieve the tension permanently etched into his limbs.

You knocked on Martin's door for a third time. You had called him from Gavi's to let him know you were coming. He answered the phone out of breath and rushed, telling you to just come over, and hanging up quickly. It was night and day from the concerned lover that had called earlier. On the drive over you rationalized his behavior. Did you really have time for a boyfriend that wanted to talk to you often and be with you and have sex and sleepovers? No. You were busy and focused on advancing your career. So maybe Martin and his distance and indifference was actually perfect.

He finally opened the door after three rounds of knocking and two phone calls.

"You're here sooner than I expected." He said, cheeks slightly pink and breathing fast.

"Yeah Gavi lives really close by. Can I come in?" You asked, raising an eyebrow at his form, which blocked the entryway entirely.

"Uh," he looked over his shoulder before responding, "yeah sure. Come in." You entered his house, removing your shoes at the door. Martin had called you "backwards" the first time you did this at his house. As a person in medicine, you couldn't comprehend tracking the entire bacteria ecosystem onto the floor of his house, but it was one of those things you just agreed to disagree on.

"Making sure the other girlfriend left before letting me in?" You laughed, and he spun around quickly, grabbing you by the shoulders and leaning down to look at you.

"I know you make a lot of jokes, but this can't be one of them," he said, his tone somber and serious. "Don't ever joke about me being a cheater. It's not who I am and I am a better person than that." You were shocked by his sudden change in mood, putting your hands up in surrender and apologizing.

Gavi laid awake in bed, legs tangled in the sheets, moving from one side to the other, unable to find a single moment of rest. He checked the phone on his nightstand every couple of minutes, waiting to see your name light up the screen. Why weren't you home? It had been over an hour since you had left his house. Martin was definitely not interesting enough to keep you at his place for so long, especially after a match day. The longer he thought about it, the more the sweat pooled on his brow and the dread seeped into him. Maybe you two were having sex. Maybe you would be spending the night at his house, and Gavi would never get the "I'm home" text. He tried to calm himself, but everything irritated him. Why did you have to leave him to go to your stupid boyfriend's house? Why did he want you to tell Martin to fuck off and lay on the couch with him? Why did he want to know so badly if you two were having sex?

As with most news he got about your relationship, he heard the tip from Ansu who obviously heard it from Ferran: after three months together, you and Martin had still not had sex. After the initial 'why the hell are you guys talking about this', Gavi started to listen to Ansu's gossip as he packed his things after practice. He heard about Martin's complaints.

"Apparently, he told Ferran that she will kiss him and touch him and make him hard, then she will pull away and go home. He said first it was like exciting - ya know, being teased, playing hard to get. But now he's kind of getting impatient ya know. Ferran told him to get another girl."

"To break up with y/n?" Gavi asked a little more enthusiastically than he intended. Pedri looked up from his phone and raised an eyebrow at Gavi, but refrained from making a comment. He wanted to go home, and he knew the longer this conversation continued, the longer it would be till he could sit in front of his TV and play FIFA.

"No not to break up with her. Ferran was like 'oh you know she's wife material like she is good in front of cameras and will look nice for your Wikipedia page. But if you want to have sex just go to a girl in a club and sleep with her and then do the couple shit with y/n when you feel like it. You already set her expectations low."

Pedri swears to this day he saw the smoke rise from Gavi's ears at the suggestion that Martin cheat on you. In football and in life, Gavi hated cheats. He wanted to tell you, but was advised against it.

"Unless we hear that he is actually cheating on her, there's no need to hurt her feelings or add stress to her life."

So now he sat in bed, frustrated in more than one way, as he thought about you and Martin having sex. He closed his eyes, hoping to conjure up a new mental image, but all he saw was you. You were in the same sweatshirt and leggings that you had come over in the other day. Martin was nowhere to be seen. You were in the living room, laying on the soft leather of the couch, beckoning Gavi over.

He felt the blood begin to pool and his cock start to harden. He threw one arm over his eyes, groaning loudly. It had become a common occurrence for him to get horny when thinking about you, but usually he could will the image away by reminding himself that you two were friends and would not be anything more. Usually. Today it wasn't working. The image of you on his couch, licking your lips and calling him over refused to disappear. The tighter he closed his eyes the stronger it got.

He moved his hand to palm his aching erection through the fabric of the boxers he had worn to sleep. The you in his head was standing now, playing with the hem of your sweatshirt. The sight of skin (imaginary as it was), encouraged him further, and set his very skin ablaze. He pushed down his boxers, stroking himself slowly now. In his head now, you had slowly stripped away your sweatshirt, leaving you in a bra and tight leggings that cupped your ass in the most sensual ways. He was panting now, breathing heavily, switching between stroking his cock and playing with the head. In his mind you stripped off your leggings, leaving you in just your bra and panties for him to stare at, taking in the sight of your body. Beads of precum formed at the head, which he spread around, teasing his most sensitive nerves. He knew once he came you would disappear, and he didn't want to be without you.

The real you was in a similar position: seductive and shirtless. You were currently under Martin, shirt having been discarded somewhere in the living room as he pressed you into the couch. He broke from you to pull off his shirt, then captured your lips once again. You move fervently to match his pace. He kneaded your breasts between his hands. Rough. Everything Martin did was fast and rough. And you tried to keep up, but the only sounds leaving you were heavy breaths from exertion, not arousal.

The scene in Gavi's head switched perspectives. He was now on the couch, legs spread open, inviting you in. You walked towards him slowly, and he drank in the sight of you. You crawled onto his lap, straddling him, and rested your forehead against his. Your eyes, your lips, your breasts - the image of all three sent shock waves through his body and straight to his cock. He gripped it now. He wanted to turn to his nightstand, grab something to lubricate with and stroke in earnest, but he was afraid he would lose the vision of you.

In Martin's house, the real you was searching for an escape. Martin was kissing your neck, grinding into you like a dog in heat. After a few minutes he noticed that you had gone silent, even your breathing relaxing now. He came up to look at you. What kind of girl didn't get turned on from activities like this? He decided to switch positions so that you were laying on top of him, and he dug his fingers into your hips and ass pressing your clothed core against him. He was unmistakably hard, but you felt nothing. There was no pool in your panties or heat in your loins. You were kissing him hard but felt, well, indifferent. Like you might rather be doing laundry.

In Gavi's head, you were a puddle. He had captured your lips between his own, kissing you deeply as you rocked against him, the kiss only breaking when he hit your sweet spot, causing you to moan out. He let his hands roam your bare skin, and he could almost feel the warmth. Fingers resting on your waist, he moved with you, rutting against each other and chasing your release. He looked down at the two of you, watching the wet spot on your panties grow as you ground your clit into his hard-on. He moved to your neck, kissing and suckling until little marks bloomed on the skin. You whimpered out, and now Gavi wanted to do everything in his power to make you moan in earnest. You were looking at him with those gorgeous eyes, begging, pleading, imploring Gavi to do more. And he wanted to do so much more.

The action ended for the real you rather quickly. Martin was pushing you against him, bruising your pelvic bone as he chased his own orgasm, almost forgetting that you weren't a sex doll. You decided to help finish him off quickly and go back to your place. Maybe you would still have time for that laundry. You placed your hands on either side of his head, his face basically buried in your breasts, and you started to grind into him earnestly, rocking your hips in a way that you knew drive men crazy. Within 45 seconds he was cumming in his pants, moaning loudly, and pressing into you so hard you were worried it would leave marks. You gave him a quick kiss and tugged your shirt back on. You both exchanged words about seeing each other soon, and you walked out of his house to your car alone and unsatisfied.

Gavi was almost in pain. His cock was angry and throbbing, begging for him to stroke himself in earnest. But he couldn't do it dry, and he would rather remove his cock entirely than lose this dream of you. You were now in front of him, on your knees, touching his upper thighs. He felt the ghostly sensation on his skin as he remembered every time you pressed your fingers into the muscular flesh in your office (or on his couch). You pulled down his boxers, and his cock sprung free. You leaned over and let your tongue hang from your mouth, your drool flowing on to his cock. Gavi brought his hand up and spit in his palm, pretending it was you. He brought it back down and began stroking, long fluid motions from base to tip. You were also stroking him, looking up at him with those big innocent "fuck me" eyes, and he couldn't stop himself from moaning out.

He wanted you. He wanted you to be on your knees for him, on his lap, under him in bed. He wanted you. He had never been harder in his life. And then he got to those lips. Those pink perfect lips that spoke to him so gently, teased him, called out his name - in his mind he watched them stretch over his cock. His self restraint snapped. He brought his hand up again, spitting into his palm multiple times, and beginning to stroke his cock rapidly. He wished it was you. He wished it was your smaller hand wrapped around him, so he could guide you to stroke it in just the way he liked. He was playing with the head of his cock now, imagining your lips sinking deeper and deeper over him, looking up at him with tears in your pretty eyes.

There was no more pretending and no more care. The sheets were thrown off, the room filled with heavy breaths, groans, and the squelching sound of Gavi pumping his cock. His dream you had pulled of and was now leaving gently kisses on his cock, licking the head shyly. Your lips were red and swollen, a product of his passionate kisses and his member. Gavi was almost there. He squeezed his eyes shut as hard as he could, trying to see you, imagine you more clearly. You were alternating licking at his slit and sucking on his head. He was gone. Moans of your name mixed with "please" filled his room. He wished you were there. He wanted to feel your skin, the smooth warmth under his finger tips. He wanted to hear your voice, soft and silky and telling him how good he was going. He was so, so close. He had never edged himself this much in his life, but he wanted to keep watching you.

The dream you pulled off of the head of Gavi's cock, placing a kiss on it, before crawling back up his body. He tried to capture your lips in yet another kiss, but he couldn't. He felt you drape yourself over his thigh, grinding into the muscle there as you pumped his cock for him. He fisted his own cock at a bruising pace. He would deal with the consequences afterwards. Now he was ready to cum to you, for you. You leaned into his ear, still riding his thigh, one hand wrapped around him, and you moaned out,

"Pablo."

His orgasm washed over him in a tidal wave, knocking the air out of him. He moaned your name out loudly, filling the whole house with his sounds of pleasure. Cum landed on his chest, and he continued to pump himself through the orgasm, thinking of you and riding out his high. When it was over, he calmed himself and worked to slow his breathing. His eyes were still screwed shut, but you weren't there anymore. He was alone and covered in his own load, and he was still thinking about you.

Once he had composed himself (and his legs were stable enough for him to walk, he went to the bathroom and cleaned himself, donning a new pair of boxers to actually sleep in. Once he returned to his bed, he saw his phone light up.

[Doctora]: I just got home. Have a good night Pablo

His chest got tight again as he laid in bed, staring at your words to him. You hadn't forgotten. He set his alarm and laid down, the exhaustion from his orgasm settling in now and making his eyelids heavy. When he closed his eyes, he saw you again. This time you were fully clothes - in one of his hoodies and a pair of his sweats. You were in bed next to him, arm stretched out, beckoning him to come closer to you. Gavi hugged one of his pillows close to his chest, imagining it was you sleeping in his arms, and drifted off.

[Gavi]: Have a good night, doctora. Dream of me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: not proofread because I don't feel like it. I hope you al enjoy this part! I think this is the last part of 'exposition'/ setting up their dynamic, so relationship building will start in the next chapter, so I hope you all stick with me for the rest of the story! I love hearing all your reactions in the comments, so please don't be shy to comment! Or if you're a little shy, feel free to send me an anon ask!

Also please comment if you want to be added to the taglist ok bye

*~*Taglist*~*

@l0verl4ne @vibinwkay @anastasia-nova @mxgvmiii @mads-grace4 @bubblebeep69 @katluckybear @scuderiabarca @alwaysclassyeagle @simpingmyassoff @grlwithprblms @lqvesoph @pink-manz @graziemille @xxenia14 @nngkay @icedlattewithextracaramel @gyusrose @vip-access @julianalvarez9

[kiragecko]

cherrystainedknuckles

I guess the only problem with being asked to take a “marie kondo approach” is that in order to find any fanfic that appears to be based in actual canon timeline and plot points and characterization (which does exist, and I’m not sure why fanon fans seem insistent that it doesn’t), I literally have to search for hours. I’m not joking, I consistently make fic rec lists, and I have to search for hours and hours for actual canonical basis. same thing with character tags on tumblr.

I’m not saying fanon fans have to stop enjoying fanon or making up their own content. I’m just saying that when the tags used for both fanon tim drake and canon tim drake are the same tag it just becomes incredibly annoying sometimes, and I understand why people who like to engage with canon (me, often) become frustrated

-

I have definitely had periods where I got incredibly frustrated with fanon! Around 2019, I was wondering if I needed to leave the Batfandom, because it had been so long since I read a new fic where the characters felt 'right'.

-

But, if you're willing to, I'd like you to consider what you mean when you divide 'fanon' from 'canon'. Because I struggle to find a hard line between the two, for several reasons:

1. Fandom is transformative. Every fanfic is going to have some interpretation of the source material. The line between what is too much interpretation and what is acceptable is different for every person. For me, I find it can even vary based on writing style or other odd things - lighthearted fic can have more noncanonical stuff in it than heavier fic, and still seem true to canon.

2. 'Canon' is subjective. I do not consider the movies or video games to be 'canon', and it annoys me when things from those creep into the fic I'm reading. (I'm okay with SOME Battinson.) Some aspects of the cartoons are okay. I consider precrisis Jason Todd to be an alternate reality version, but Donna's precrisis origins are more canonical than the dumb retcons. Wayne Family Adventures isn't my main version of the characters, but I'm not bothered if some elements show up in my stories. I'm ignoring most of the nu52, but I like Duke and I'm still watching this new Lian to see what happens. I doubt your divisions are identical to mine.

(Also, some things that I think of as 'fanon' have shown up in nu52 canon! I do not accept them as any more canon because of this.)

3. Most 'fanon' is based on canon. Canon Tim has weird sleep habits. 90s Dick is really lighthearted and joking around some characters in ways similar to fanon. Dick can canonically not be trusted to take care of himself if his mental health gets low enough. Jason likes classical literature. Etc.

These are exaggerated and/or twisted in a lot of fic, but where is the line where they stop being canon? I wouldn't bat an eye at a lot of this stuff, if it didn't show up SO OFTEN.

4. Most 'fanon fans' do know some canon. What line are you going to set where it will be 'enough'. And are they allowed to mention parts of the canon they haven't read yet? Is anyone allowed to talk about Dick's early Robin days, or only the tiny amount of people who have read the golden age stuff? A lot of the 'mistakes' I see are obviously made by people who have read ABOUT canon, but don't know quite how it fits together.

5. 'Canon' is FULL of contradictions. Yes, there are canon events. Yes, there is characterization that is consistent across 3/4s of comics. But. I'm still working on my sidekick timeline. I've devoted days to figuring out ages and passage of time. I've spent over a decade trying to figure out Jason Todd's motivations, and why Tim treats him the way he does. I've read all the 90s and early 2000s CANONICAL character assassination of Jason.

I spent years thinking that Donna's death was almost as foundational as Jason's, only to later discover that I had just happened to read the specific comics that focused on the fallout, and she only stayed dead for a short time. That happens to fans ALL THE TIME! We read a character summarizing an event we haven't directly read, and just accept it as what happened. But characters have biases, and not all writers care about accuracy.

-

I've read some Tim Drakes that I consider to be almost entirely 'fanon'. And quite a few that were so scarily 'canon' that I got chills. (Not all of which were similar to each other.) But the vast, vast majority have fallen somewhere in the middle.

I definitely do not want the responsibility of deciding which ones count as 'canon'! And I think I would strongly dislike anyone who tried to decide for me.

Being frustrated is logical, and I empathize. But the original post was about the impossible expectations some fans feel. The expectation to read thousands of comics, synthesize all the contradictions, and come to conclusions that match the 'true fans'. That's a perfectly reasonable thing to be complaining about.

If that's what some fans are experiencing, of course they're not going to want to engage with canon! There's no way for them to succeed, so why should they even try?

When you join THAT conversation to discuss your frustration about fanon, it strengthens that perception. When you call them 'fanon fans' it emphasizes their belief that you don't think they belong. And rather than trying to change, it's more likely that they'll double down. Canon is full of gatekeepers, so they'll avoid it.

[writingquestionsanswered]

Any advice on finding a good routine to write while in school. I can't seem to catch a break and even when I do I want to melt into the floor and never leave. Not the ideal time to write. But I really do want to finish my writing goals for these next few months. Any ideas?

Struggling with Writing Goals During School

Here are some things you can try:

1 - Write First Thing - Try to go to bed an hour or so early, then you can get up an hour early and write first thing. This is something that works really well for some people, so it's definitely worth a try. It can actually become a really peaceful, quite, fulfilling moment of time to yourself, which turns it as much into a moment of self-care as a time to reach your writing goals.

2 - Go to School Early or Stay Late - If you're able to, try going to school early and do your writing in the school library or academic center. You could also stay late to do this if it's possible. Sometimes, having a special place to go and write, where you won't be disturbed, is all you need to make that time to write.

3 - Write Between Classes - If you're in college and have a long enough gap between classes, go to the library or find a quiet table somewhere and write. If you're in middle school or high school, while this won't help for this semester, talk to a teacher or adviser about whether or not there's a class period you could utilize next semester for writing. When I was in high school, we had an actual class you could take for credit that was essentially a study hall, so it's possible your school might offer something like that. Another option we had was teacher's aide, so it's possible a teacher would work with you and let you be their teacher aide, but really let you work on your writing during that time.

4 - Write After School, Before Going Home - If you're able to, find someplace to go after school where you can write for an hour or so before going home. This could be the library, a coffee shop, a supportive friend's house, or a nearby park. This way, you don't have the option of melting into the floor. It becomes part of your day, but you have to be good about not just spending your time scrolling through Instagram.

5 - Make It "Working from Home" - One last option to try is to treat it like working from home for an hour or two. Schedule your hours each day according to your reasonable availability, but also as close to when you get home from school as possible. Choose someplace quiet in your home where you can write free from distraction. Ask your family/housemates not to disturb you during that time. Put your cell phone on silent, keep the TV off, etc. Stay in whatever outfit you wore to school. You can take off your shoes, but keep your socks on. Treat it with the same seriousness you would if you were working remotely for a little while and expected to be on meetings at some point during the session. This can potentially prevent your brain from turning into goo and saying "okay, time to check out."

You may have to try a bunch of different things to see what works, and different things may work at different times. The key is to make sure you try, every day, even if only for a few minutes. That will help to build up the habit.

I hope that helps!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

LEARN MORE about WQA

SEE MY ask policies

VISIT MY Master List of Top Posts

COFFEE & COMMISSIONS ko-fi.com/wqa

[welldonebeca]

The Triplets (4)

Warnings: Hurt/comfort. Slowburn. Fluff. Angst. 

If you like my work, consider buying me a coffee or subscribing to my Patreon. It’s just $2 a month and helps a lot while I go through these hard times.

Masterlist

Lizzie was in her bed when she woke up.

She grunted, a little sore, and her eyes widened when she saw her bedside table.

A bottle of water, Advil and... plan b.

Last night came to her all in a flash, and Lizzie covered her mouth with a hand.

Oh, no.

And Dean...

She had fucked Dean!

And it was great.

But Dean was so hesitant.

Oh, no.

Had she pressured him?

Oh, no.

She was a guest in their house and she had done this!

Lizzie forced herself to take the pills - God forbid this mess got her pregnant - and pushed herself back to bed.

What had she gotten herself into?

Dean must be so upset now! He must hate her now!

She wanted to hide in bed forever, but that only lasted an hour before a knock on the door made her uncover her head to look at whoever it was.

"Lizzie?" he called. "It's Beau."

She just grunted, and he opened the door slowly.

"Oh, dear," he chuckled. "You look just like my daughter when she is on her period."

She pouted, and he stopped, frowning.

"Are you?" he asked quickly. "Do you need supplies?"

She shook her head, embarrassed by his niceness.

"No," she sighed. "Just feel like shit."

His face softened and he walked to her, and Lizzie was grateful that she had put the plan-b box away after taking it.

"Hey," he sat in her bed. "I get it."

She looked at his face, unsure. He probably didn't, no.

"Job searching takes a while. Sometimes we think like it's never gonna happen," he told her. "No one gets into the first position they apply to. You're gonna find something soon."

She scoffed, not quite believing him.

There were so many better options out there. Why would they even hire her?

"Come on," he tugged on her blanket. "Get up. Let's get out of your sadness stew."

She pulled her blanket closer, realising she was still naked and with his brother's seed still between her legs.

"I'll get ready!" she interrupted him before he could insist.

Beau squinted, but nodded, at last.

"Alright," he decided. "I'll wait for you downstairs."

She was able to clean up without a shower, thankfully, and tried to dress up for the warm weather, throwing on a yellow spring dress and doing her hair quickly so he wouldn't have to wait for too long.

Lizzie had enough Winchester brothers upset with her already.

Her face had a little touch of makeup and her hair was set with her bow when she walked down the stairs - she still cared about her appearance! - and Uncle Beau smiled when he saw her, just guiding her out to his car, so they could go out. No other Winchester was in sight as they left.

"It's just us?" she asked when he stopped to unlock it.

"Yep," he looked at her. "Dean left pretty early, I don't know what for, and Ben is still asleep. So you're stuck with me, little lady."

Before she could worry, he took her hand and made her twirl, and she was too giddy to think of anything else.

“Don’t you look beautiful?” he smiled. “And that’s the beautiful smile a love.”

He opened the door for her, and he opened the door for her to sit inside, and soon they were on the way.

The town was bustling, but not too crowded, and Beau showed her around places he likes before taking her to a little bakery shop for lunch.

He was a big gentleman, pulling a chair for her to sit, and offering her the menu before taking one for himself.

She couldn’t help blushing.

“You don’t have to do all this,” she looked at him, feeling a little shy now.

“Oh, nonsense. My mom raised me to be a gentleman,” he hummed. “I don’t know how that missed Ben, but mom made sure to spank his behind when he was too rowdy.”

She laughed a little, and he did the same.

“You three are all very different,” she pointed out. “Ben is the middle one, isn’t he? Maybe that’s it.”

Beau nodded.

“Maybe,” he shrugged. “He can be a nice guy when he wants to be. He just has his struggles, we all do… but he likes to act like they’re not there. So he never addresses them, and they just grow into a mess, you know?”

She nodded.

It made sense.

“And he’s the only one?” she asked without thinking.

Lizzie's eyes widened, and she looked at him, embarrassed.

“Sorry,” she said quickly. “Sorry, that was terrible, I didn’t-.”

Before she could continue, the waitress came over to ask for their drink orders.

“Good afternoon,” the older lady greeted them. “I haven’t seen such a happy father-daughter duo here in a while!”

Lizzie's eyes widened, and Beau blushed deeply.

“We’re not,” he corrected her quickly. “She’s not… I’m not her father, no.”

Her face changed suddenly, and the woman glared at him.

“What can I get you?" she grunted.

“Just water,” Lizzie asked. “Please.”

The woman hummed before walking away.

The two looked at one another other, and Lizzie could see beau looked completely stunned, and couldn’t help but laugh at his face.

“God!” Beau covered his face, groaning.

She giggled.

“Well, she is absolutely going to spit on your food, now.”

That seemed to lighten the mood, and they decided to still eat there, even with the risk of spit in their food. Beau still loved the place, and Lizzie felt like she was going to love it too.

“We should come here again some other time,” she suggested as he took the bill.

She didn’t even try to stop him. Look. Lizzie was unemployed and broke, and he had invited her, so… yeah.

Just as they were heading out to leave, Lizzie's phone rang, and she saw the caller ID.

Dad.

Dad never called, even when dad called. It was always Gwen.

“Hm, one second,” she asked him.

Lizzie stepped a good distance from Beau before picking up and, low and behold, she was right.

It was Gwen.

“Hi, sweetie,” she greeted in her too-cheery voice.

“Hi, Gwen,” Lizzie moved awkwardly on her feet. “Does dad need something?”

“Well, he’s been wanting to talk to you since you moved in with your Uncle Beau, but you never called,” she remarked. “So I thought to just rip the band-aid off now.”

She pressed her lips together, nodding.

“Well, I’m here now,” she nodded along.

“So, how’s it been?” her stepmother asked.

Lizzie crossed her arms.

“Good, good,” she told her. “Uncle Beau’s been great. His brothers too, they are very nice.”

She hoped Gwen didn’t ask questions, that they just kept this idle little conversation and that’d be it.

But she had to keep going.

“And the job?” she asked. “You got that job you wanted?”

She cringed.

“I’m still looking,” she pinched the bridge of her nose.

Gwen hummed a little, and Lizzie could already feel a question coming already.

“So it’s been over two weeks and no one’s called you back,” she remarked.

She closed her eyes, swallowing down.

“That’s one way to say it, yes.”

“Are you sure this is what you want?” she asked, the malice in her voice undetectable to anyone who didn’t know her, but Lizzie did. Too well. “I mean, you could come back home, where you’d find a job easier. You can do retail…those phone market companies…”

Lizzie closed her eyes, and she could see Beau watching her unsurely.

“We talked about this,” she rubbed her eye, stressed. “You always said I needed to be independent. I’m trying to be independent.”

More accurately, she said Lizzie had to stop being such an ungrateful brat who munched away at them.

“Well, yes,” she agreed. “But now you’re not talking to your father or me!”

Oh, she wondered why?!

“I don’t have time to call all the time,” she grunted. “I have chores, and I’m studying and applying… I can’t just stay on my phone all day.”

“Elizabeth,” she started to speak.

“And maybe I need some space,” she interrupted her. “From you and dad.”

Gwen gasped, sounding horrified.

“How could you say that?” she asked. “He’s your father and I’m-“

“You’re not my mother!” she shouted into the phone.

She hung up the phone, wanting to throw the phone away, but just turned it off and shoved it into her bag.

Dammit.

She tried to take big breaths but so she wouldn’t cry, but her eyes were welling up already, and she could feel her tears about to fall when a hand rest on her shoulder.

“Hey, darling,” he spoke softly.

By the way he looked at her, he had to have heard everything.

She didn’t know what to do, but instinctively went to hug him, needing to be comforted, and Beau embraced her quickly.

When her legs went weak, he picked her up and walked her back to his car, and held her in the car park as she cried, seated on the passenger’s seat with him kneeling in front of her.

“I’m a failure,” she lamented. “I can’t even get a low-level job.”

They wouldn’t even hire her as an assistant!

“Hey,” he rubbed down her arm. “Don’t say that you, know it’s not true. These things take time!”

She shook her head, crying, and Beau squeezed her hand.

“You’re not alone in this,” he reassured her. “We are here to help you. There’s no rush.”

Lizzie sniffed.

“You know,” he chuckled a bit, speaking softly. “My dad used to be pretty hard on us to be our own.  We had to be men before we finished being boys but Dean… he kept us together, you know? I guess that’s why we’re so close now;”

He moved a hand to her chin and raised it, making her look at him.

“We are here to help you now,” he affirmed. “With anything you need.”

She softened, relaxing a little, and hugged him quickly, feeling him squeezing her and freezing when her mind flashed right back to Dean and what hey had done in the couch.

The pit of guilt in her stomach grew all over again.

She had to tell him. She couldn’t lie to Beau.

Her mind stewed over it as he drove away, but Lizzie waited until they were in his driveway to say anything. If Beau got too upset, she would just have to run!

“Beau?” she spoke softly. “I gotta tell you something.”

He turned to her, not looking too worried.

“What is it?”

She bit her lip, looking for words.

“Last night,” she spoke slowly. “Dean and I… we had sex.”

. . .

"The Triplets" was posted on Patreon on January 2023. To read it now before anyone else and read the sequels "The Livestream (Ben x Lizzie)", "patience is a virtue (Dean x Lizzie)" and "the pictures (Beau x Lizzie)", subscribe to my page! It's just $2 a month and it helps a lot.

. . .

Forever Tags: @emoryhemsworth @amythyststorm33 @shaelyn102 @yknott81 @maximofftrash @kgbrenner@thefridgeismybestie @magpiegirl80 @mogaruke @shadowhunter7 @musicalcoffeebean @megasimpleplan4ever @deemoriarty @05spn18 @malindacath @kdcollins @random-fandom-fangirl2112 @widowsfics @frozenhuntress67 @averyrogers83 @notyourtypicalrose @nerdypinupcrystal @giruvega

Supernatural tags: @its-daydreamer23 @imagefanfictionlover @smalltowndivaj @tayrae515 @afanofmanystuffs @oneshoeshort @andkatiethings @wakanda-sometimes @akshi8278 @xoxabs88xox @izbelross @isabelle-faith @flamencodiva @lyarr24

Supernatural Kinky Fics (+18): @stoneyggirl2 @phoenixblack89 @that-dark-girl

The Triplets: @ladysparkles78

[talkintrashcann]

Campout - Xavier Thorpe [pt.3]

summary: the friendgroup is going on a camping trip and miscalculated how many tents they needed, so now you have to share a tent with your least favorite person.

warnings: slow burn, enemies to lovers, multiple parts, fear of drowning

word count: 1.8k

a/n: im terribly sorry for disappearing for about a month, i didn't mean to be gone for so long. my life has been put upside down for the past couple weeks and ive had to figure some things out about my future so writing wasn't my priority at that time, but ive got it all figured out now (for the most part) so im not planning on taking so long for the next chapter. i promise the story is actually getting somewhere this time !

[part 1] [part 2] [part 4] . . .

———————

Acting like nothing had happened earlier today, everyone was sitting by the campfire munching on their food while they all ignored the obvious tension between you and Xavier. They were used to situations like these by now, but for some reason it felt as if something in the two of you changed. You used to give each other angry glares and held those for hours, whereas now you can't even make eye contact for longer than 5 seconds. The tension was slowly shifting throughout this trip, and there was no way of stopping it.

"Hey Enid, what have you got in store for us tomorrow? Please tell me it's not as exhausting as today's hike.", Kent caught everyone's attention.

"That's a surprise. I don't want anyone to complain about the plans I made again, so you'll just have to wait and see. But I'm sure you will all love it, we're gonna have so much fun !", the girl that couldn't hide her excitement said. It was obvious that the group was a bit skeptical about Enid's interpretation of fun, but hopefully this time she's right. What's the worst that could happen?

For the rest of the night everyone was singing along to some campfire songs while Divina was playing the guitar, for just a moment you forgot everything that happened today. You loved moments like these, just you and your friends enjoying each other's company while singing riptide at the top of your lungs. This was the exact reason why you said yes to this trip, these were times you wished would never be over. But all nice things must come to an end, and soon everyone disappeared to their tent once more. Surprisingly enough your tent was quiet for once, neither of you wanting to speak to another. Maybe because you were simply too tired from today's exhausting hike, falling asleep as soon as your head hit your pillow.

Waking up pretty early the next day, you realized you were the first one to be awake. You opened your eyes and turned around to find Xavier laying not so far away from you, a strand of his long hair covering his eyes. He looked quite handsome like this, sadly enough he wasn't always this quiet and peaceful. Remembering what he did to you yesterday, you got up with a smirk as you thought about your great plan to get him back somehow. Sneaking out of the tent as quiet as possible, you grabbed a cup that someone left near the campfire and filled it with lake water. Already giggling to yourself as you walked back to the tent with the cup in your hands, careful not to spill too much water from it already. And just like that, you threw the cup with water over Xavier's head.

Waking up confused and in shock, he looked over to see you sitting next to him dying of laughter. He on the other hand was definitely not laughing with the little prank you pulled on him, instead he pushed himself up and dragged you out of your shared tent. Picking you up in his arms and carrying you towards the lake, you quickly realized what his intentions were.

"You're gonna regret doing that to me.", he said with his deep morning voice. You'd never admit this but you'd be lying if you said he didn't sound a little hot with that voice, or maybe more than just a little.

"Nonono, please don't Xavier.", you tried to convince him not to drop you in the lake.

"Please, I'm begging you.", desperately trying to change his mind you tightly held on to him as you were getting closer and closer to the lake. The word begging caught Xavier's attention, surprised to hear how much you're willing to do just so he wouldn't drop you into the shallow water. Of course he noticed your tight grip on him too, figuring this was more than just something you didn't like. He could even see tears forming in the corner of your eyes, making him feel bad all of a sudden. Seeing you annoyed was like music to his ears, but realizing he caused you actual suffering felt so wrong. He never thought hearing you beg would feel everything but satisfying. Right before you reached the lake, he slowly put you back down on your feet without saying a word. As soon as your toes hit the ground you ran back to the tent and stayed there until it was time to leave for Enid's big surprise.

After a long and not so calming drive you finally reached today's destination, Kent hurrying out of the car the second you made it. His stomach was a little sensitive and all the turns in the mountains didn't help with that at all, but Enid's surprise definitely made him feel better.

"Okay, it's time to reveal the big surprise... We're going kayaking!!", Enid yelled out and the others jumped up with pure excitement. You on the other hand felt your stomach drop as you thought about how terribly wrong this could go. You were terrified of drowning and would much rather avoid anything that could lead to that, so you weren't exactly fond of the thought to go kayaking. But you never told anyone about this, not even your best friend, and you most definitely didn't want anyone to find out about this. You remembered how Enid said she didn't want to hear any complaints about today, so you tried to hide your anxiety building up to not ruin everyone's day but it felt as if your heart was beating outside of your chest.

"All the kayaks are for two people so let's pair up with our tent buddy and get ready to race!"

"We are so winning this.", Ajax spoke while showing everyone his winner pose.

"You don't have a chance against us, Serpent.", Bianca said as she leaned against Kent.

You didn't pay any mind to what the others were saying, too busy trying to process the whole facing-your-biggest-fear thing. While the group was so focused on fighting over who's going to win this race, Xavier was looking at you this entire time. He noticed how anxious you looked and couldn't help but think back about what happened at camp earlier, aware that you're trying to hide something from him. Not wanting to bother you with everyone else still being here, he decided to leave you alone for a bit until the others were gone.

Before you even know, all your friends had left off in their kayak and it was now your turn. Shaking on your legs as you took a couple of deep breaths before stepping into the kayak, Xavier following soon after. He wanted to win this race, hell he wants to win at everything. But he had a feeling he wasn't winning this time, at least not in the way he had hoped for.

"If we want to win this race we better start paddling now."

Xavier was really pushing you over the edge right now. All you needed was a couple more seconds to mentally prepare yourself, but he couldn't even give you that. Ignoring his existence completely, you once again tried to calm down. But that calmness didn't stay for long.

"Can you start moving already? I don't wanna get behind on the others and I'm definitely not planning on doing all the work by myself."

His complaining only fueled your anxiety more and more, ready to burst any moment now. You couldn't help but panic, needing to get out of this kayak and off the water this instant. Unfortunately your kayak had already drifted off a little too far from the shore for you to just get up and walk back. Feeling hopeless and scared, you couldn't help but cry as you were looking for a way to get out of the unsteady kayak.

Xavier froze in his spot as he saw you cry in front of him, he didn't understand what was happening. He might not know what you're so afraid of, but what he was certain of was that your fear was very much real and you needed to calm down asap. Except, you weren't calming down at all. The tears kept rolling down your cheeks, your breathing was unstable and you were shaking so much that the kayak started shaking too. You looked at your reflection in the water, trying to see how deep it was but your tears blurred your vision.

Something in his mind clicked, he needed to get you back to shore immediately. So without any hesitation he jumped out of the kayak, the water coming up to his chest, and picked you up in his arms. He had you cling to him as he carried you over the water, arms tightly wrapped around his neck and nails slightly digging into his skin out of pure fear. It didn't bother him though, he'll allow you to do so if it gives you a more secure feeling.

He didn't pay any mind to the salesman desperately yelling at him to bring back his kayak, to be completely honest he couldn't give two fucks at the moment. All he cared about was you. Yes, you. He couldn't explain why he felt the need to help you for once, he didn't even understand it himself in all honesty. And it sure as hell didn't make any sense to you either, the guy that tries to make your life a living hell suddenly starts being nice to you. There must be something hidden behind his caring behavior, he'll probably strike you with another rude action later. You were sure of it.

Wriggling yourself out of his grip as soon as he got out of the water, you turned around and walked away to hide yourself from everything else behind a large tree. You needed a moment to calm down after what just happened, a moment to just let the tears stream down your face in peace. You felt embarrassed that he out of all people had to witness that, you wished he'd never seen you that way. Certain he'd never let you forget this, he'd bug you with this till the end of time. Or that's what you assumed he'd do. But in reality, Xavier wasn't planning on telling a soul about this. Not because people would find out he did have a heart, but because this wasn't a pleasant experience for you.

It seemed like things had changed in Xavier's dark heart, could it be that he had grown a soft spot for you? Or was this just another trick of him to get your trust, just so he could break it later?

To be continued . . .

———————

Taglist !¡ @wintrr13 @hayleematyas16 @deepblueoceanwaters @purexfuego @loriasposts @princekooks @hope92100 @just-amess @sweaterxav @pookiewookies @lcvecstiel @reading-writing-737 @ahintofvanilla @xavierthropepartner @poison-ivy-737 @rumoured-whispers @honethatty12 @pippipsquirtsquirt @araxw

if you would like to be added to the taglist for campout please let me know in the comments or through asks/dms!

[turtlesandfrogs]

I just saw a post on life pro tips asking how to wake up when you want to instead of sleeping through the alarm or hitting snooze a bunch of times, and was seriously unimpressed by the answers, so in addition to posting there, I'm going to post here.

For reference, I've had to change my sleep schedule several times in my life because of things like milking the cow when I was a kid or being a teacher, though most of these "tips" I learned in the process of helping my spouse who is insomniac to the point that there's no recognizable circadian rhythm. We also both have ADHD, so yeah, definitely understand why this is so hard to do, but it makes such a huge difference. And, as always, what works for me might not work for you, these are just what we've found helpful.

1. Read up on circadian rhythms, because that's what 90% of this is about. Our society really messes with circadian rhythms and makes getting good sleep stupid hard.

2. Figure out when you want to wake up. Figure out how long you think you need to sleep. Add an hour, and subtract from your wake time. So say you need to be up at 5:45. And you think you need 8 hours. So give it 9 hours. Well, congrats, you now get a bed time of 8:45. (Is possible that you don't need this much, so if you find yourself waking up before you need to, congratulations! You can stay up later. Woo!)

3. Go to bed, and get up, at the same. time. every. day. This sucks but makes getting up when you have to do so much easier.

4. Now for the hard part (ha). Stop eating a few hours before your bed time (ideally). No midnight snacking, eat enough during the day so you're not hungry. Stop looking at your phone or other electronics an hour before bedtime. Don't do vigorous exercise in the evening. Drink a cup of two of water (with non-caloric* electrolytes if you have trouble waking up in the middle of the night because you have to pee) before bed.

5. Eat asap, at least a little, when you wake up. Even just a bite will get your circadian rhythm going. I know some people have a hard time in the morning, but if you're consistent, it'll get easier.

6. These two cost money, but are worth it if you have to wake up before the sun or if you struggle: get a dawn simulator alarm clock (life-fucking-changing when I was a teacher and had to get up way before dawn) and one of those lamps for seasonal affective disorder. Use the S.A.D. lamp early in the morning to, again, convince your circadian rhythm that you should be awake.

7. Get some movement in daily if possible. Like, a walk. Dancing in the kitchen. Whatever physical activity you can do healthfully.

8. During the day, practice getting out of bed when you hear the alarm. Like, literally, get in bed, set your alarm to go off in life 3 minutes, act asleep, and then get up when the alarm goes off. Train yourself like a dog. I know it sounds goofy, but my spouse says it helps. I didn't come up with this one, btw. Don't blame me.

9. If you have allergies that effect your breathing, consider running an airfilter at night. Helps me snore less and helps him not hear it as much :p

10. Make sure your room is dark, cool, and quiet.

11. If you do all this and still struggle... see a doctor if you can. Sorry.

*non-caloric because of your circadian rhythm, not because of diet culture. I use a bit of salt, because it does the job and it's cheap.

[drewexe]

Like The Stars Pt. 4

pt.1 pt.2 pt.3 pt.4

Pairing: jaemin x fem!reader

Genre: smut, fluff, sex lessons au, friends to lovers

Word Count: ~8,3k

Includes: high school seniors (everyone is legal of age); canon bisexual mc; side characters donghyuck, renjun, and karina; profanities; obviously, sex lessons; kind of a slow burn?; idiots in love/miscommunication sort of (you decide which one fits better); does this count as semi-public sex? they’re on a balcony; protected sex! ft. thigh riding; my precious little nonsense epilogue

Summary: you’d had a crush on renjun for as long as you could remember, but your lack of experience always stopped you from taking the first step; it’s a good thing you have your trusted friend jaemin to help you out

Author’s note: the day is upon us, i present to you the finale of this short story ! thank you so much to everyone who stuck by and loved it until the end, you’re the best <33 disclaimer: do i hate miscommunication as a trope? yes; could they have resolved things easily and cutely? definitely; did writing it this way take ten years off my life? absolutely; do i have any regrets whatsoever? nope. plz don’t hate me, ehe~ you can shout at me about it tho, if you want! second disclaimer: the movie mentioned in this is included only to serve as a plot device, also the title of the story finally makes sense yayy

When you got to school the next morning, you were early enough to assume that none of your friends, or classmates for that matter, would be there. Yet as you made your way past the window that gave free peeks into your classroom to anyone passing by, you noticed a familiar figure already inside.

“Jaem!” you beamed as soon as you entered the classroom, rushing over to cling onto his arm.

“Morning, princess,” he greeted you, ruffling your hair gently and very possibly ruining the hairstyle you had carefully worked on. You swatted his hand away playfully and glared at him. “You seem way too excited for such an early hour, what’s going on? By the way, how are you feeling, still good?”

“Better than ever,” you chuckled, pulling away to look at him with a grin. “My parents are away for the weekend, do you maybe wanna come over and keep me company for a while?”

The boy raised his eyebrows, a sound between a scoff and a chuckle leaving his lips.

“Since when do you invite me over for sleepovers and not Karina?” he asked, as if doubtful. “Or why not ask Renjun instead?” he teased after a second. “You know, I'm pretty sure he'd be happy to come, and you could spend some quality time together.”

If you hadn't spent so much time with him and his smirks for the past couple of months, you would have bought that the one on his lips right now was nothing more than teasing. But you had learned to notice the small twitch giving out that he was faking it. You couldn't help but question it in your mind, the implication that little forced smirk held, yet decided to not mention it. Instead, you rolled your eyes at him and poked his chest.

“I'm inviting you, Nana, not them,” you shook your head a little. “Of course, if you say no I’ll have no choice but to ask someone else, but I just wanted to spend time with you, y’know.”

His eyebrows shot up and he chuckled slightly, crossing his arms. And you were almost sure that whatever he was preparing to say, he would be faking that too. 

“Princess, don't get me wrong, but don’t you think that it’s maybe time to focus on Renjun now?” he questioned and your smile fell a little. He wasn't wrong, really, but you couldn't push yourself to say that Renjun wasn’t the one you wanted anymore. Not yet, not first thing this early in the morning and not in the middle of a random classroom. 

“Well, I… I know you said we’ve covered everything but… I thought that I might need a little bit more time to get used to it…” The excuse sounded dumb even to you, so you decided to use part of the truth instead. “I enjoy spending time with you, Nana. Not just when you’re teaching me about sex, I like the cuddles and the jokes and your presence around me,” you sighed and something in his posture shifted. “I know we didn't spend that much time together before but that doesn't mean we have to stop after we’ve,” you couldn't help but pause for a second to recollect your thoughts, “finished with the lessons”.

“I didn't mean it in that way, Y/N,” he said quietly, cupping your cheek gently. “I've had so much fun with you, I'd actually hate it if we stopped hanging out,” he added as a little smile curved his lips and that made you feel a bit better again. 

“We don't have to have sex tonight, or ever again, if you don't want to,” you assured him, although the thought still stung a little - you didn’t want all of it to end. “Just come over, we can watch a movie or something like that.”

“Count me in on that,” Jaemin nodded and ruffled your hair again, grinning happily and bringing back the smile on your own face. 

“In on what?” a voice suddenly joined in and you turned to see Donghyuck had just walked into the classroom. “Are you planning a party without me? I will end you both if you are. Unless it's a surprise party for me.”

“Not really a party, Hyuck,” you laughed and shook your head. “Just Jaem and me, cause I'll be home alone for a few days.”

“Ew, please keep me uninvited then,” Hyuck scrunched his nose in disgust. “The idea that you two are fuck buddies is making me question this friend group so much.”

“Bold words for someone who spent the last three years trying to get in Karina’s bed,” Jaemin retorted, laughing at the way Hyuck's face fired up.

~

The knock on your door came a few minutes earlier than the hour you two had agreed on, yet you still rushed to open the front door. 

“God, we haven't seen each other in ages!” Jaemin teased as he entered, fully aware of how excited you were and apparently that thought amused him. 

“Shut up, loser, I'm just being polite enough to not leave you hanging at the door,” you rolled your eyes.

“Of course you are, princess,” he smiled as he leaned over to peck your forehead surprisingly. It was such a domestic little gesture that it caught you off guard. He seemed to be just as startled with his own action as you were as he cleared his throat awkwardly after pulling away again. “So, what's the plan for tonight?” 

You shook away your surprise and smiled at him again as you led him further inside and let him set his stuff down in the living room.

“So, we are going to watch my favorite movie tonight and you cannot say no,” you said, nodding your head in the direction of the TV where the movie was already loaded. “I have also ordered us pizza,” you added and he glanced at the table where the two boxes were waiting for you.

Jaemin didn’t really even try to disagree with that plan and so the two of you settled on the couch, your legs thrown over his lap, and you played the movie. The opening scene of Stardust started playing and you couldn't help but smile as you watched the main character's father running away from the village he lived in to visit the magical market.

The movie went on and as much as you tried to focus on it, you started wondering if Jaeming was enjoying it. You couldn't help but glance at him every so often, just to check for any reaction. 

“Y/N, the last time I checked, the movie wasn't playing on my cheek,” he chuckled and you looked away from him immediately, embarrassed. 

“I’m just not sure whether you're enjoying it,” you pouted. Jaemin shook his head slightly in your peripheral vision.

Instead of replying, he pulled you closer to himself and made you lean your head on his shoulder. 

“There, you can't look at me now,” he said. “Watch the movie, not me.” 

A sigh left your lips but you obliged, focusing on the two main characters. One of your favorite scenes was coming soon and you smiled to yourself. The main characters were going to get caught by pirates and that meant that they would soon be realizing that they’re in love. A smile curved your lips again and you signed quietly. You felt Jaemin shift a little next to you, as if to adjust himself so you could cuddle more comfortably.

The film went on and soon you ended up tucked into his side, one of your arms wrapped around his abdomen and one of his hands playing with your hair. With your eyes on the screen and the lack of ability to check every three seconds whether he was enjoying it, the movie went by pretty quickly and before you knew it, the ending credits were playing. Reluctantly, you pulled away from Jaemin and looked at him again, waiting for his commentary as anxious tension filled you up. 

“I can see why you like the movie,” he said pensively. You blinked, unsure how to take that until he turned to you and smiled. “It’s a really beautiful story. And also, there were witches and pirates. So, you know, obviously, I love it.” You felt relief wash over you at the confirmation. 

“Glad to hear that!” you smiled. “I mean, not that you had to like it, but it’s good that you did.” 

He laughed at your comment. So to stop yourself from rambling, you refocused on cleaning up the empty plates from the table and taking them to the kitchen. When you returned to the living room, you found Jaemin looking through the window. 

“The stars are visible tonight,” he said as he turned to you and smiled. “The movie made me think about that. I’ve never actually paid them much attention,” he added. “Do you think they might be actual people living their life up there?”

“Oh, I love watching the stars!” you exclaimed excitedly. The stars had been one of your first friends, unchanged no matter where your parents took you, and always there. You had grown up looking at them whenever you felt lonely and so they held a special spot in your heart. “And, well, I haven’t had the chance to meet a fallen star myself so I don’t know what they are really,” you chuckled. “We can take some blankets to the balcony and I can show you some things though,” you offered, hopeful eyes looking at Jaemin.

He raised his eyebrows slightly as if surprised by your enthusiasm, but as he slowly approached you, a smile curved his lip.

“I’d love that, yes,” he said, ruffling your hair affectionately. You didn’t need much more of a confirmation to rush over to your room and pull out your favorite blanket. 

In no time, you two had set up a comfortable place to lay on your balcony, surrounded by a nest of fluffy blankets and a few pillows, and you were on your backs, looking at the sky. The visibility wasn’t ideal, of course, yet small sparkling dots were noticeable here and there. 

“That over there is Cassiopeia,” you pointed excitedly and Jaemin followed the direction of your finger, trying to spot the constellation. “You see? It’s those five stars that look a bit like a stretched out and messy W?” He hummed in confirmation and you could see him smile in the dim light of your bedroom over your heads as he recognized the constellation.

“Show me something else?” he asked. You could see the stars in his eyes, reflecting the ones in the sky and his excitement made warmth bubble up in your chest. You had been scared he'd find your affection for the stars dumb or ridiculous, yet here he was next to you, looking at you like you were showing him the secrets of the universe. 

Forcing yourself to look away from him before you could dwell on the growing feeling inside you, you tried to find something else that would be easy to spot. The city lights limited the options even though your family's house was kind of on the outskirts, yet your eyes did see a recognizable shape. 

“Well, can you see the five stars, like, kinda to the left above Cassiopeia, that look like a tilted kid’s drawing of a house? That’s Cepheus, Cassiopeia’s husband. They actually come from Greek mythology. They tried to sacrifice their daughter Andromeda to a sea monster because her mom thought that it’d be a great idea to boast that she’s more beautiful than the sea nymphs. It’s okay though, cause Perseus saved her and then made her his queen,” you explained. You moved your eyes again to look at him and found him already turned to you. 

“That’s kinda dark,” he grimaced, but then a smile curved his lips and he added, “but they're beautiful". You knew he was talking about the night sky and its little gems. Yet a part of you felt like the compliment was for you more than for them. 

Gently he reached over to take your hand, bringing it to his lips and pressing a kiss against the back of it. The action left you flustered, warmth once again filling you up and you couldn't bring yourself to suppress your feelings anymore as much as you wanted to.

“Jaemin…” you started, unsure what you were going to say exactly. He looked at you expectantly, a soft smile on his lips.

You couldn't make words process in your brain. The shift in your own feelings was still too overwhelming to talk about. Jaemin was one of your closest friends, and even if your sex lessons hadn’t managed to ruin your friendship, who was to say that your feelings wouldn’t. And even though you had decided to tell him, a part of you was terrified by it. In the end, you just shook your head slightly and looked up at the night sky again. 

“Look, you see that very very bright star over there?” you pointed. “That's Vega. It's the brightest star currently visible, as Sirius is below the horizon right now.”

When a response didn't come for a while, you looked at him again. He was still looking at you, some sort of inner conflict visible on his face. Suddenly, he rolled over on the blanket and before you even realized what he was doing, his body was on top of yours, his arms on both sides of your head. 

“God, you are gonna drive me crazy,” he whispered softly. 

You couldn't help but look at him wide-eyed. Never before had he done something like this, even with all of the times you had had your lessons. Yes, he had never been shy to show he finds you attractive and enjoys what you two were doing… but this was different, this felt like it was coming from something deeper than just sexual tension. Your heart skipped a beat, the feeling of hope blooming in your chest again.

“You're just sitting here, talking about some big balls of hot gas billions of kilometers away from us with this sweet smile as if they are the most amazing thing in the whole world,” he went on, shaking his head slightly. “And all I can think about is how beautiful you look in their light and how much I want to pull you on top of me and make you feel so good that you'd look at me the same way.”

A gasp escaped you and you opened your mouth to say something back, to tell him that whenever you looked at him, it felt like looking at a star, that as beautiful the stars were, they couldn't compare to the way his light and warmth made you feel. But he didn't let you speak, instead leaned down and pressed his lips against yours. Thoughts left your mind as you kissed back, reaching up with one hand to bury it in his hair, tugging slightly on it. Neither of you really took control, neither deepened the kiss, instead, it was filled with unspoken feelings.

“Jaem?” you asked quietly once he pulled away. You didn't dare voice out the hope that all of this had ignited in you, scared that you'd find out that you had imagined everything. 

“Tell me no, Y/N,” he responded, the corner of his mouth curving upside. “Please tell me no, tell me that I can’t have you right here and now, on your balcony. Because there's only this much I can handle.” 

You were trying to figure out what he meant. You had invited him over, you'd even hinted that you could “use some more practice”, you had technically left the decision to him. But then again, true to his word, never before had he been the first one to go for it, he had always waited for you to ask or make the first step. Until now. Now, he was already on top of you, and if you said yes, you knew it would not be because of the lessons. 

“What makes you think I don't want that? Sex with you under the stars sounds amazing honestly,” you said softly instead. His eyebrows shot up for a second, yet he didn't say anything. 

Instead, his lips crashed against yours once again, this time much more desperately, as if he was trying to take all of you at once. He pulled away again, only to drag his lips down your neck, biting down at the base of it. Your hand was still buried in his hair so you tugged on it harder, whimpering out and leaning your head to the side. 

“You can… leave hickeys if you want…” you mumbled, closing your eyes. “I’d like that.”

Jaemin started sucking on your skin harder, nibbling every now and then. You were lost in the feeling, his kisses felt like a blessing you had no idea whether you deserved. Your eyes opened up again only when you felt him pull away. You found him looking down at your neck as if contemplating his work. You didn't dare imagine what you looked like, because the idea of your neck covered in marks by him only fueled your arousal. 

“You are so beautiful, have I told you that before?” he asked and you chuckled, rolling your eyes a little. 

“Just now, I think,” you retorted. “And a few other times before that.” Yet you couldn’t deny the way your heart soared at his compliments. 

“I’m gonna keep saying it,” he smiled before lifting himself up and off of you. Before you could even question it, he pulled his shirt off and threw it to the side. “Help me out a little, there’s too many clothes on you at the moment.” 

Your top was the first one to go as soon as you sat up, Jaemin’s impatient fingers taking it off almost right away. Frantic hands traveling up and down his body, you were kissing him again, his hands around your waist and pressing you impossibly close to his body. 

You only pulled away to take a breath, meeting his eyes. There was a question in your eyes but he either didn’t see it or decided to ignore it. Instead, he pushed a strand of hair away from your face and pecked your lips.

“Are you sure that this is okay?” he asked reluctantly.

“Jaemin, I could not be more sure about it,” you replied, reaching up to cup his face in your hands. “It’s not just okay, you know? I want it. I want you.” 

His eyes widened a little at your words and he bit his lips. Did he understand what you meant? There was conflict on his face for a moment. Was he thinking about how to reject you? Or would he maybe, just maybe, reciprocate your feelings?

“If only you really did,” he muttered with a sigh, so quietly you barely heard it. 

But you did. And you froze. And what had been a tiny sense of hope before was now so clearly obvious you didn’t understand how you only realized it now. Your heart started thumping loudly in your chest. 

“No, I mean it,” you said quickly, but his eyes refused to meet yours. “Jaem, listen to me, I’m serious.” 

“I know, princess,” he finally looked at you again with a forced smile. “Ignore that, okay? Where were we?”

You tried to speak up again, but he didn’t give you a chance, kissing you again to stop you from speaking. Your resolve started to crumble. You could talk about it after, you told yourself. So you moved your hands down his body, reaching into his untied sweatpants to stroke him. You were not surprised to find him already hard, but it did make you smile in the kiss.

Jaemin groaned quietly at your touch and quickly helped you out of your shorts, then your underwear followed them. And suddenly you found yourself on Jaemin’s thigh, your bare pussy rubbing against the fabric of his sweatpants, and it made you let out a whimper. He chuckled quietly, leaning back on one of his arms, the other wrapping around your waist to support you.

“You said you want me, no?” he asked teasingly and you nodded quickly. “Come on then, show me how much.”

You didn’t need convincing, not with his commanding tone that sent shivers down your spine. You started rolling your hips, at first slowly, but the friction clouded your mind and holding back seemed impossible. Your head fell on his shoulder as moans escaped your mouth, and you were sure the way your nails were digging in his chest would leave marks. The fabric under you was sticky but you couldn’t bring yourself to care and he didn’t seem to mind either. 

“Such a good girl,” he hummed next to your ear and you shivered slightly. “Look at me, princess,” he asked and you forced yourself to lift your head. 

A finger tapped against your lips. It took you less than a moment of hesitation to open your mouth. Smirking a little to himself, Jaemin pushed two of his fingers in and you wrapped your lips around them, sucking gently and bringing your tongue around them. 

Maybe he didn’t expect you’d actually do it, or maybe he was surprised at how easily you obliged, but his jaw fell open with a soft smitten expression. 

“You never fail to amaze me,” he chuckled as he pulled his fingers out and you shrugged slightly with a small smile. 

“I do know a thing or two, y’know,” you said, yet as you’d stopped moving, the heat between your legs painfully reminded you of itself. “Jaem, please, can you fuck me already?” you pleased softly. 

“Your wish is my command,” he smiled, yet his smile dropped a little the next moment. “I don’t have lube in me though, it’s in my bag inside…” 

“It’s fine, I’ll be fine,” you reassured him. You could feel how wet you were already and you didn’t have the patience to wait. 

He hesitated for another long moment, before making you lift yourself so he could take off his sweatpants and underwear. He did pull a condom packet out of his pocket though before ditching the clothing items to the side. 

His fingers reached between your legs, two of his fingers teasing at your entrance for a second before he pushed them inside with ease. A hint of surprise passed on his face but he didn’t ponder on it, instead focused on spreading you out as much as he could before either of you lost your patience.

Then he put on the condom and flipped you two around so you could lay on your back as he finally pushed himself inside you carefully. You were genuinely amazed at his self-control to go slow on you. 

“You feel so good around me, princess,” he mumbled, pecking your lips. 

“And you feel good inside me,” you offered in return, smiling softly through tears pricking at your eyes. 

You could admit that it wasn’t as easy to get used to this time. He seemed to notice it too so he stroked your cheek gently, murmuring little praises to distract you as he waited for you to adjust.

When you finally felt comfortable enough, he started moving slowly. You expected him to speed up gradually like he did last time. But instead the rolls of his hips were slow and deep. His body was pressed flush against yours at almost all times and the heat was making your head spin in pleasure. 

You knew this wasn’t about physical pleasure only anymore. Not for you, and not for him either. It was so much more in many ways. 

You were close and he was too, you could feel it. So you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him down in a kiss, as sweet and intimate as the way your bodies were moving together. When you finally slipped over the edge, your moan was swallowed in the kiss. He thrust inside you a few more times, reaching his own high not long after. 

For a short moment, you were in a daze as Jaemin slipped out of you and discarded the condom, then helped you put on your underwear and his own, taking a spare blanket and wrapping it around both of you as he pulled you in his arms. 

The warmth of his body next to yours, his arms wrapped tightly around you as he held you close. It felt like home. How had you been so blind all this time… 

“You’re amazing, you know that, right?” he whispered and you looked up to his face. He had never seemed so open and genuine before. 

Or maybe he had always been and you’d just never noticed. Whichever it was, your heart skipped a beat. Your eyes returned to the sky above you as you smiled. 

“There’s something special about this,” you started gently, hoping he’d understand you this time, “about this moment, about the stars tonight. And that something is you, Jaem.” 

He didn’t reply. But his lips pressed against your forehead softly, almost the ghost of a kiss. You waited for a few loud heartbeats more for him to speak up. And then you reached the conclusion that he wouldn’t. 

Stealing a glance, you found him looking at the stars with sadness in his eyes. And you realized he didn’t understand. 

“Nana, I need to talk to you,” you sighed, lifting yourself on one arm to look at him better. “About the deal and-”

“Let’s talk about it tomorrow,” he looked at you, smiling. A pained smile. And you could guess what he was thinking. 

“No, please, I need you to listen to me,” you almost pleaded but he shook his head and pulled you gently back in his arms. 

“Tomorrow, I promise,” he mumbled and pecked your lips. “For now, let’s get some rest, okay?” 

And you had a bad feeling about it. You knew that you shouldn’t postpone the conversation anymore. But sleep was already catching up to you, and he was warm and comfortable, and you felt safe in his arms…

And you were drifting away before you even knew it.

~

You woke up in your bed the next morning. Jaemin’s hand was wrapped around your waist loosely, breathing light and you guessed he was still asleep. He must have brought you in after you’d fallen asleep. You smiled to yourself, stroking his hair softly and he hummed in his sleep, nuzzling into the pillow. You held back a chuckle so as to not wake him up and carefully slipped out of the bed. 

You were still only in your underwear so you looked around to find something to wear and your eyes fell on his tshirt. You considered it for a moment and then slipped it on, heading downstairs. 

Bare feet tapping on the floor, you made your way to the kitchen and turned on the coffee machine. A side effect of all the time spent with Jaemin was that you knew how to prepare coffee the way he liked it so you decided to prepare it before he woke up. And you also started working on one for yourself. 

Just as the coffee smell filled the air, another person walked into the kitchen and you looked up at Jaemin, smiling. He’d put on some clothes. He took a moment just looking at you, probably taking in the sight of you in his shirt. 

“Morning, sleepy head,” you greeted, nodding towards the coffee machine. “You’re right on time, it’s almost ready.” 

Chuckling, he made his way over to you. 

“This is literally the hottest thing you’ve ever done, I could literally kiss you right now,” he said and you grinned. 

“I don’t see anything stopping you.” 

He took the invitation, leaning closer, his arms holding onto the counter on both sides of your body, trapping you in as he leaned down and pressed his lips against yours. 

When he pulled away, his eyes were ever so soft and you reached up to ruffle his hair, before turning around to turn off the machine and pour the coffee into two cups, then turning back to him and handing him his. He took a sip and signed happily. 

“This is what heaven must be like and you’re a literal angel,” he joked, eyes twinkling with happiness.

“Well I’m amazing, you know, or so I was been told last night at least,” you teased. 

You regretted it the second that his smile fell and he pulled away from you. You opened your mouth to ask what was wrong, but words caught in your throat as he walked to the other side of the kitchen and leaned back on the opposite counter, focusing on the cup in his hand with a guarded expression on his face.

“Nana, what’s wrong?” you finally voiced out. He didn’t reply, taking slow sips of his coffee. “Come on, tell me,” you pushed, “did I do something wrong or-”

“I think it’s time we drop the deal,” he said suddenly. You flinched. “You wanted to talk so let’s talk. There’s nothing else that you need to learn from me and I can’t keep doing this anymore.”

“Why?” you asked quietly. But you knew why - it was the same reason why you had considered calling it off yourself. 

“What do you mean why?” he scoffed, forcing himself to laugh. “We’re done with the course, it’s time that we stop… it’s time that you stop doing with me things you should be doing with the person you’re in love with.” 

You swallowed heavily and put your cup down on the counter walking over to him. Was it not obvious already? It had been obvious about Renjun, so why wasn’t he seeing it now? 

“But why should I stop, Jaem?” you asked and reached over to take his hand but he pulled it away. A sting of pain flashed through you. “You promised that you’d listen, you haven’t even heard yet what I want to say.”

“I don’t think I need to hear it,” he chuckled and you flinched. “I’ve made up my mind. It was fun while it lasted but it’s time it ends.” 

And to emphasize his words, he downed his coffee and walked over to the other room. His bag was already ready and you realized he had already decided to leave even before this conversation. You rushed after him but he was already at the door, putting on his shoes. 

“Will you just let me speak?” you asked, frustration evident in your voice. “Jaemin, I’m not gonna force you to keep giving me sex lessons, this is something completely different!” 

“It is,” he agreed as if you were on the same page. “The lessons have gone too far. Everything that happened last night proved it.” 

“So what, you’re afraid I’ll find out that you’re in love with me so you’ll run away before I can tell you my side?” Your frustration took the best of you. You hadn’t intended to say that. You should have just told him you loved him instead. But th words had already left your mouth and you couldn’t take them back now. 

His eyes widened in surprise for a second, then a sad smile curved his lips again. 

“Smart girl,” he praised, but it felt like a slap instead. “Give me some time, okay? A day or something, I can’t do this right now.” 

He hesitated for a second, then leaned down to peck your lips. And then he was out the door. 

You wanted to go after him, but you were stuck. He hadn’t even let you confess but you felt like he’d already rejected you. Tears pricked at your eyes and by the time you managed to make yourself open the door, he was gone. 

~ 

You’d texted him over 50 times already. You’d called almost as much. He was not responding in any way. 

You went to his house but his mother told you he hadn’t come back - she thought he was still with you. You dismissed her concern when she asked about your puffy eyes. 

You went to his favorite coffee shop but he wasn’t there. You went to the school campus even though it was Saturday and you knew he wouldn’t be there. You went to every other place you could think of. 

If he was avoiding you, you decided that you needed help finding him. You pulled out your phone, vaguely hopeful that he might have replied to your texts. He hadn’t. So you called Hyuck. Frustratingly enough, he also didn’t pick up. But you were desperate so you kept trying.

“For Christ’s sake, this better be an emergency,” he picked up finally, annoyance clear as day in his tone. In the background, you heard Karina’s concerned voice ask what was going on.

“Donghyuck, I’m sorry, it’s important,” you started, almost tripping over your words at the speed they were coming out of your mouth. “Jaemin has not been answering my texts, he’s not picking up my calls and I looked everywhere I could think of but I have no idea where he is and I need to talk to him.” 

There was a short silence. 

“The dumbass outed himself and he’s now scared of your reaction, isn’t he?” It could have been a lucky guess. But you knew better. 

“You knew about it?” you asked, a hint of betrayal in your voice. 

“Of course I did,” Hyuck sighed. “He’s been in love with you for a year and he’s almost as obvious about it as you.” You froze. 

“And you didn’t think to tell me about it from the beginning?” you nearly shouted at him. 

“Because it was not my business to meddle in his love life if he had decided to go through with this!” the boy defended himself. In the background, Karina seemed to have more questions now. He shushed her softly, before speaking up again. “Plus, first of all, I knew you’d come around and fall in love with him too, sooner or later! And I did warn you and try to hint it to you, okay? Do you think I did it because I enjoy watching one of my best friends suffer because of this dumb deal of yours? Just because he didn’t show it in front of you, doesn’t mean it was ever really okay. And I love you both, but I am tired of being your relationship therapist, okay? I don’t know where he is, but you’ll have to figure this out yourself.” 

The line was silent for a while.  A sense of guilt was choking you up. You’d barely gasped out an apology when the line went dead. You looked at the phone screen and Jaemin’s smile on the wallpaper made tears well in your eyes again. There had been a part of you in denial about the way you’d been hurting him but Hyuck’s words had forced you to realize it. For a year. You’d assumed he had fallen for you the same way you had. But you had been so wrong. 

As you scrolled through your contacts, you couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of what you were about to do. 

“Y/N?” Renjun asked with a hint of confusion. You’d always called him so rarely. “What’s up?” 

“Hey, uh…” you hesitated. “Do you happen to know where Jaemin is?” 

“Jaemin? No, I haven’t spoken to him today,” he replied, but his tone shifted to concern immediately. “Is everything alright? You don’t sound too good.” 

“Yeah, I’m…” you started, but what was the use in lying? “I did something really dumb and I need to talk to him but he’s avoiding me and I don’t know where to find him but I need to tell him that…” you took a short breath. You were still scared of the words. But if you could say it in front of Renjun, you could say it to Jaemin too. “That I love him.” 

“You need to tell him that?” Renjun asked, confused. “Doesn’t he know it already? I thought you two were dating and just didn’t want to tell us yet.” 

You couldn’t help but laugh. The whole situation was ridiculous. Of course, Jaemin wouldn’t tell him what was going on, not when he knew how important it was to you. But Renjun wasn’t dumb, of course he would see through the two of you. And from the pieces he had, of course he’d reach the most reasonable conclusion. 

“It’s… a bit more complicated than that,” you said. “And that’s exactly why I need to clear things with him. Please, I just need to find out where he is, can you help me?” 

“I’ll do my best,” he replied. You thanked him about four times before he finally convinced you that he’d need to hang up so he can call Jaemin. 

You waited anxiously to hear back from him. When you finally did, it was in the form of a text. ‘He’s at the city park near your place, but he might be heading home soon’.

The park. You hadn’t thought of the park. How could you not have thought of the park? 

Typing back a quick ‘thank you’, you immediately rushed out of your house. The walk was a daze, your mind only cleared once you saw a familiar cotton candy stall. And on a bench next to it was Jaemin. Taking a deep breath, you almost ran over. 

He looked up and flinched back in surprise as soon as he realized it was you in front of him. His lips formed a small o as he glanced down at his phone and realization hit him. He scoffed quietly and then looked up at you again.

“You look like a mess,” were his first words to you.

“Why would you agree to the stupid deal if you already had feelings for me, you idiot?” was your reply, equal parts desperation and relief washing over you. 

He sighed and nodded to the free spot next to him. You sat down, relieved that at least he didn’t try to run away again. 

“Donghyuck can’t keep his mouth shut, can he?” he chuckled, turning to look at you.

“No, Donghyuck kept it shut for too long,” you scowled. “But that doesn’t answer my question.”

“I did it because I was in love with you,” came his response. “I’d been in love with you for so long and you never even noticed. And you liked Renjun, so I didn’t say anything. But then you came to me, you wanted me. I knew it wasn’t the same, I knew your end goal was Renjun. But you were asking me for help, how can I say no when you need my help? So I said yes because I thought it would be fine. Because I was selfish and happy that I’d get a chance to be with you even if it had to be like this. And because I hoped that you might change your mind. But it became so hard to hold back, you know? To tell what was real and what I wanted to be real.” 

You fought back your tears. This wasn’t your place to cry. You had been the one to hurt him. 

“Jaem, I am so sorry that I made you go through that,” you said softly. “If I had known, I would have asked. I never meant to…”

“I know,” he shrugged. “You don’t need to apologize. I knew what I was agreeing to, I just thought I’d handle it better.” 

“No, listen,” you started again. “And I need you to actually listen this time. I never meant to hurt you, but I know that I did. So I do owe you an apology. But that’s not everything that I have to say. Yes, when we agreed on the lessons, I thought I wanted to be with Renjun. But the truth is that I really don’t. You say you hoped I’d change my mind, yet you are so oblivious to the fact that I actually did. The past months have been some of the happiest in my life, you know? I spent them with someone who laughed with me when I was happy, who held me tight when I was lonely. I spent them with a person who would always make me feel safe. A person that would smile at me bright enough to lighten up the worst of days, and look at me as if I am the most precious thing in his world. A person that would stick up little stars on my wall for hours even though nothing of it makes sense to him. Someone who sat through my favorite movie and loved it because it was my favorite movie. Someone that didn’t care about the stars but let me talk about them for an hour just because they made me happy. Someone that apparently cared more about me than about his own happiness.” 

You made a pause to recollect your spiraling thoughts. Jaemin was looking at you, wide eyes and mouth half open in surprise. And you knew the hope in his eyes and the way the corner of his lips was shyly trying to curve into a smile. 

“And yet when I told that someone that it’s him that I want, he thought I was lying. When I told him that he’s special, he refused to listen. And when I tried to tell him that I’m in love with him, he ran away. What I was trying to tell you since yesterday, Jaemin, is that I am in love with you. Have been for a while. It took me too long to realize but I mean it. You were jealous of the stars when there’s no need for you to be. I loved them because they made me feel at home. But you make me feel at home too. Na Jaemin, you make me feel like the stars do.” 

At first, he didn’t say anything. He was still staring at you with a smitten expression, yet the smile was back on his face. That beautiful smile that you loved more than anything else. Carefully, as if still in disbelief, he reached over to take your hand and you didn’t hesitate for a second to intertwine your fingers with his. 

“Like the stars?” He repeated. “Really?” 

“Yes,” you giggled, “like the stars. Like those big balls of hot gas billions of kilometers away.” 

“Oh, that makes it sound awful,” he cringed and you couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m sorry I ever called them that way. Let’s stick with stars”. 

“Okay, we’ll stick with stars,” you agreed. Your body was still buzzing from the emotional chaos it had been through, yet maybe it would all be okay in the end. “As long as you agree to stick with me. And I mean that as in, I want you to be my boyfriend, Nana.” 

He looked down at your intertwined fingers instead of replying. His eyes lit up when he noticed something. 

“You’re wearing the ring?” he asked, thumb rubbing over the piece of metal. 

“Haven’t taken it off since we got them,” you nodded. “It was that date that made me realize that I love you so I didn’t wanna risk losing it. Back then I didn’t know you liked me too so I had to cling onto the memory.” 

“How fitting that I chose to come here then,” he smiled as he lifted your hand to press a kiss on the back of your palm. “I didn’t think you’d agree to the date. I almost wanted to tell you back then, but you didn’t see it as a real date and I figured it wasn’t a good time.” 

“I did see it as a real date,” you admitted. “But you would have saved us all this trouble if you’d told me back then.” 

“And miss that pretty speech of yours?” he raised his eyebrows. “No way, I’d rather run away again so you’d have to come up with an even better one.” 

“Don’t you dare,” you rolled your eyes, yet a grin spread your lips as you squeezed his hand.

“Fine, fine,” he chuckled.

“You still haven’t answered my question,” you pointed out, nibbling your lip a little anxiously.

“What question?” he looked at you and he was either generally confused or pretending really well. You sighed and shook your head. 

“I literally asked if you’d be my boyfriend and you said nothing,” you pouted, reaching down with your free hand to play with his fingers. 

“Oh, that,” he laughed and you glared at him. “I didn’t realize it was a question. I thought it’s pretty clear that I want that.” 

You shook your head and sighed in disappointment - not in his answer, just his approach to the topic. Yet you couldn’t fight the smile spreading your lips once again. You’d made some dumb decisions along the way, yes, and you’d been too oblivious to see. But Jaemin loved you and wanted to be with you. And you loved him. And the sun was shining softly, and Jaemin’s smile was shining too and he was next to you, holding your hand. 

“Like the stars, right?” he asked suddenly and you looked at him confused. He chuckled and leaned down to peck your nose before repeating his words. “Like the stars, you said.” 

“Why are you so stuck on that?” you giggled. 

“Because I saw the way you look at the stars, you know? You say they make you feel at home, but you look like they make you feel so much more than that. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look as happy as you were when talking about them. And you kinda look the same way right now, so if I am the reason…” 

“You really didn’t see it before?” you tilted your head in amusement. “That I am the happiest when I’m with you?” 

“So… like the stars?” 

“Yes, Jaemin. Like the stars.” 

~

Epilogue

~

You were sitting with your friends in the school cafeteria during lunch break as usual. Taking a sip of your drink, you only now realized that by mistake you had taken a strawberry milk bottle instead of orange juice like you had intended to. A small pout curved your lips as you set the small bottle on the table.

“What's wrong, princess?” Jaemin asked, concerned as he noticed your displeasure. You shook your head slightly. 

“Nothing, I just picked up the wrong drink by mistake, I wanted orange juice,” you answered, sad eyes fixed on the now very obvious mistake. Really, how had you even managed to mix the two up? 

“Oh,” was his reaction at first. Then after a moment, he smiled and swapped your drink with his own - a bottle of orange juice. “Here, have mine.”

“Jaem- you hate strawberry milk,” you argued, trying to switch them back but he stopped you, grabbing your wrist with one hand as his other one pushed a strand of hair behind your ear. 

“It's okay, as long as you’re happy I will be fine,” he smiled, loving eyes looking at you. You pouted even more now, torn between not wanting to let him ‘sacrifice’ himself for you and the warmth in your chest. 

“You guys are disgusting,” Donghyuck crashed the moment with a roll of his eyes. “I swear, ever since you got together, it's like I'm a side character in a cringy rom-com.”

“I think they're cute,” Renjun joined in, hitting Hyuck's arm. “Let them have their honeymoon phase, no one questioned you when you made, like, three different playlists just about how whipped you are for Karina.”

“You did what?” your best friend asked, scoffing. She burst out laughing at the way Hyuck's ears turned red as he tried to deny everything. “Loser,” she rolled her eyes, yet none of you were fooled to miss the loving tone in her voice. “Anyways, speaking of, you two never really told us how you got together. I didn’t even know something was going on between you until I overheard a very strange half of a phone call. Obviously, I want the details,” she said, now turning to you and Jaemin with raised eyebrows. 

“Oh, yes please, give us the details, we’re burning to know,” Hyuck grinned menacingly, clearly glad to not be the topic anymore. 

“Uh…” You looked at Jaemin and found him already looking at you as if letting you tell the story however you want to. You could lie, of course. But you didn't really want to. “It was kind of dumb, like… remember those English lessons? Well, they never happened… actually, I… asked him to teach me how to have, uh, sex…”

“May I, perchance, ask why the hell you would do that?” Karina asked, apparently Donghyuck had really not been whipped enough to break his promise to you. Then realization lit up her eyes and she shook her head slightly. “That’s why you were asking about…”

You were burning with embarrassment just thinking about the whole thing now, but you figured if not the people on this table, who would you even share this with.

“Well, I was scared because I had no experience with boys before this, and I had this crush on, well,” you looked at Renjun awkwardly, realizing he was the only one you hadn’t mentioned your crush to before, “you, and I was just afraid that I'd disappoint you. So I asked him to teach me so that I could feel more confident to confess. But, uh, yeah, things didn’t go according to that plan.” 

“Touching story for the grandkids,” Hyuck said sarcastically, while Karina tried to holding back from laughing, not very successfully whatsoever.

Renjun had not said anything yet and you looked at him, kind of scared of how he'd react. But whatever you had imagined, you hadn't expected his answer. 

“Oh, darling, I do appreciate the effort and I’m glad I could help you two, but,” he started, chuckling a little. “Did the guys not tell you that I'm gay?” 

(Turns out that Jaemin didn't have the heart to tell you, plus he hoped to really win you over, not just have you because your other option was gay. Hyuck simply found it hilarious. You proceed to murder Donghyuck for his crimes against humanity (you). You end up drawing a lot of attention but the immediate death of Lee Donghyuk is more important.) 

~

taglist: @jaeymark @okokoksblog @multihoe-net @jaemboi64 @bythe8 @sweetjaemss @magnificentjudgemoneyhands @jsjcue @sunshinedhyuck @luvdroids @wanlore @marklexleaf @back2jisung @taehyungmami @the-midnight-arthouse @multifandombtvh @chichhihaa @nctevia @thiccfullsun @hwanunjin @dinochocochip @keemburley @paintandwine @fairypothos @jaemints @dreams-in-different-colours @faesficfix @pradagukkie @leaz-kpop-life

[exploredawhatifs]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you @xottan for the tag!!! This beginner is humbled and honored that you'd think to tag me so ended up doing this instead of sleeping.

How many works do you have on ao3?

(4) in my heart; (6) according to ao3. The first (3) were meant to be one thing, but I didn’t know better. Thought a series would tie them together as one unit more than it actually did.

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

157,510… I have mixed feelings about this. I love writers who have an economy of words so I suspect proper editing would cut that crazy number down, but I don't have a proper editing process.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Marvel Cinematic Universe and Sherlock with an eye towards some anime one day

4. Top five fics by kudos

By pure kudo count, the top three go to the three parts of the

For Appearance’s Sake series (Frostiron) followed by

The Doctor’s Choices (a Johnlock WIP) and

Bend Thee Aghast Challenge (a Frostmaster WIP)

but the kudo rank is nearly identical to the posting dates so with only a four month Ao3 career, I’m not sure kudos is a fair way to judge the work

5.Do you respond to comments?

I do now! @lokislonelylady helped me get over the initial comment response fear and I’m forever grateful. Writing and posting also gave me more confidence to leave comments for others’ works and @xottan was the first writer to respond at length. That was a game changer. I didn’t expect responses and still don’t, but it was nice to feel a connection (thank you!!), so now I make it a point to respond to any comments I get as soon as I can or at least before the next post. I don’t get many so it’s easy enough

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Angsty… maybe Unbinding (part three of that first series)? I was told the last part was a bit depressing before the comfort hit.

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Uh… only 2 works have an actual ending so far… but I suspect The Doctor’s Choices will be the happiest ending of what I have in the works.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not on the fics itself, not yet. More for not knowing what I’m doing, like tagging. The first version of tagging for For Appearance’s Sake series was a mess. Also for not understanding the ship I first ventured into. 

9. Do you write smut?

Ehm. Yes. Not sure that I'm particularly good at it, probably not but I only have one story that’s not explicit/dark, and that was just for a therapy assignment.

10. Craziest crossover?

None as of yet

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not yet. It’s early

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope, but that sounds cool.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not yet. I’ve never even had a beta reader… collabs sounds interesting. 

14. All time favorite ship?

Great question. This one is hard. It was Johnlock for a long time. I started reading in the MCU eight months ago, and the MCU has so many creative pairings that I’m just confused. That said, based on the various works in progress and ideas popping in my head, it must be Frostiron at the moment.

15. What’s a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

None. This question prompted me to go fix what I hated about the wip and so, I'm good. I consider Fools’ Scheme a work in progress. Technically, it functions well enough as part 2 in the series in terms of moving the plot along, but considering the whole thing suddenly deviated to an emotional, happy ending, that middle part really needs some emotions massaged into make it work better with part 3, but emotionss are so hard.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I’d love to say action with a bit of world building, but who knows? It’s hard to judge your own work, and based on the comments from the English professor in college… this ESL kid was barely understandable.

Realistically, the strength I can confidently talk about is speed. Based on the past four months, I average about 1200 words an hour when at a computer; 600 an hour on my phone (though to be fair, usually when I’m writing on the phone… I’m also supposed to be doing something else… like work). Makes me question my career choice (zero writing involved in my day job). With this writing speed, I really would have been making bang during Dickenson’s day where writers got paid per word.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Emotionsss. How other writers put emotions on paper is beyond me.  I do okay with fear and anger but the feels? like love and sadness? Absolute crap, and I don’t know that it will get better since the moment my writing starts down that path, I nope out of there so fast that I’m done writing for that day or it pours out of me in an unfiltered melodrama that I can't imagine anyone wants to read and I’m a wreck for half a week.

Other than that, choppiness. I focus so much on the action and plot that some of it comes out short and action, action, action without the why... this is especially true because my adhd has me jumping from scene to scene or even story to story as I write. Literally Johnlock for ten minutes, then it’s Frostmaster for a paragraph, jump to two separate Frostirons I have going on in the back, and a random Loki & Nebula that’s brewing before jumping back to Johnlock. =.=;;; my brain…

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

Yesss. It would be fun to do it in the way Groot is handled in the MCU.

19. First fandom you wrote in?

MCU - Tony Stark/Loki, though it was without even understanding what Frostiron was. I must have read like five Tony Stark/Loki before jumping into writing an unplanned novel, and in all of them, Tony was pretty mean to some weak version of Loki. My fix was to make Loki a bit stronger so that he could send Tony to prison… turns out most people in Frostiron sees them together. Halfway through writing them, I suddenly realized why;;; They’re so alike.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

It varies from moment to moment. Literally, it’s the fic I’m working on and since the last thing I typed is Let’s do ‘Just a slave’, (Thor & Loki) that is the one at the moment, even if it was a therapy assignment. 

It’s not representative of my usual stuff but I did manage to write it in a single sitting of three hours and found it fun, so I guess it counts.

***done!***

Well, that was interesting. More challenging and fun than I had imagined.

Tagging someone: I also tag @lokislonelylady, though, like @xottan says, no pressure. Don’t know if you can even write until you’re fully healed. Sending my love and gratitude either way! Honestly, there should be an amazing commenters’ version of this because @lokislonelylady , you brighten people's day with your comments! I have learned to comment just as much thanks to you.

And while there's really no reason anyone else will stumble on my tumblr, but if you do and you’re writer, consider yourself tagged! (if you want)

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls: Season 2, Episode 17, "Dead Uncles and Vegetables", Part 3

Part 1 Part 2 All Episodes

Please, sir, there is nothing I wish to see more than Miss Patty drunk with power.

How big was it again, Babette?

Nothing brings me greater pleasure than when Luke and Jess exchange silent glances like “Can you believe this corny shit?” The meeting is being held to discuss the feud between Taylor and the Hippie with the farmers market. This seems like a personal dispute that could have been an email.

At the meeting Taylor Karens harder than he's ever Karen'd before.

Why don't you mind your god damn beeswax, Rory-No-Job-Gilmore. This is getting old and frankly kinda weird. I’m really raring for one of those delicious scenes where Jess or Dean takes her down a peg.

After the meeting adjourns, The Convention of the Male Karens + a wildly out of place Kirk meet outside in order to remind Luke what a piece of shit his uncle was and that they’re not going to his funeral. Taylor sure sounds confident that the people of Stars Hollow won’t also spit on his grave and sing a happy song when he croaks. Frankly I don't even think there will be a grave. I've always envisioned Taylor being stuffed into a sack and tossed over his beloved bridge to become swan food along with Shane, who Jess slaughtered after the Dance Marathon.

There isn’t enough rock throwing in this show. In my gritty unrated Gilmore Girls reboot titled The Hollow, more people will throw rocks at Taylor Doose.

I paused just so I could enjoy a few moments of anticipation before she reveals what the exciting Early 2000's internet application is.

Golly! I miss this early 2000's optimism about a Future with Internet.

It's streaming in right now, but sorry Lorelai, she can't send you any pictures of Prague. Corporate tech overlords have deecreed that picture taking is forbidden and must be blocked with a blacked out screen of death. No Prague for you.

Omg.

Out of Context Gilmore Girls.

Sookie: Your mom is getting me 50% off of everything. Lorelai: Yes, but 50% off of loads of money is still loads of money. You don't have that much to spend. Pretty rich coming from “Miss orders take out and diner food 3 times a day."

But when is it ever the WRONG time for you to meddle in people's business? It's a 24/7/365 job for you. And your daughter is quickly on her way to being crowned the next Little Miss Meddler. Sookie understandably has some questions about why Jackson would go to Lorelai Gilmore for wedding planning concerns. Sookie also realizes she can't afford the grandiose wedding that Emily got her into and tries to run damage control. Lorelai tells Sookie that her mother brainwashed her. That's rich coming from Miss "Brainwashed By Dean Forrester".

DIS BITCH IS LEAVING WORK AGAIN! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!

She’s leaving work to help Diner Guy look at coffins!!! Get HR on the phone!

That's what he said.

Scott Patterson without a hat is...mildly off putting.

Is this what you wanted Rory? Are you happy now? Baby is miserable! But you got your damn coffee servant, now start tipping him! I made a video clip of this delightful interaction so please check it out. Milo's "No's" are so acidic they could strip paint off the wall. He needs to win in an Emmy for his No's. They are so good. You can watch my Jess Says No compliation here.

Jess Mariano: Toils in the coffee mines every day and night before and after school for sub minimum wage and eventually, on top of working a second job, minds his business, dutifully pours your coffee, no chit chat, all business. No one tips him. Lorelai Gilmore: Does a mediocre job taking orders for 1 hour and gets a 4 star Yelp review because she's Quirky. Lorelai to me, TWWGG: What's a Yelp? Me: Nevermind.

Rory, I mean this in the kindest, gentlest way possible, because I know you are a sensitive soul... Fuck all the way off. Fuck you and also your boyfriend and your mother (okay, she's not that bad in this episode). The "Get back to work" routine wasn't cute the first time when he was trying to enjoy a few precious moments to himself before school, but now he's literally working. He's like a foot away from you. Let the boy go upstairs and jerk off, sheesh. What a weird z-plot.

Rory works a job for two days and becomes drunk with power.

I really hope that when Lorelai goes back to work, Michel has some choice French curse words for her after leaving him in a lurch to cover her shift 3 times in a week for Diner Guy.

Hey look Rory, a job opening! You gonna apply or what?

This was really sweet.

So many things are throwing off the balance of the Gilly Girls Universe lately. Rory gets a job and becomes a control freak. Rory pays for her food. Lorelai dispenses reasonable advice. Lorelai's meddling is at a minimum. Lorelai is uncharacteristically pleasant. Dean is nowhere to be found (is that why Lorelai is so tolerable?) Scott Patterson without a hat.

[csuitebitches]

I'm basically addicted to staying up late. and it's fucking up my life. I have to wake up early for classes, so I have to function on an average 5-6 hours of sleep. and I've been seeing the effects too. I'm having a checkup done tomorrow to see if I have stomach ulcers (its a high possibility bc ive been having stomach issues for 2 weeks now), and my father was saying lack of sleep contributes to it. they dont know I stay up late usually reading webtoons or romance novels. I'm getting sleepy in the middle of the day, and my vitamin levels are dropping. I want to sleep well but EVERY SINGLE TIME I STAY UP. it's like this fear that I don't have enough time to read what I want during the day, so I do it at night. please help me. I'm ruining my body and I don't know how to stop. I'm so goddamn angry at myself

I hope you realise that change is going to be a slow process and setting new habits will take time. Nothing will happen overnight.

1. You need to set time boundaries. You can’t be up at night reading for hours and hours because that is chaotic. Set yourself a time limit of say 30 minutes of reading a day. Use a timer and shut your device off the second it rings.

2. Why are you experiencing so much fomo if you don’t read? Or are you trying to avoid something in your life by getting so engrossed in your novels? Are you having trouble at school/ with friends/ family/ partner?

You need to get out of that world and come back to reality because it can develop into something worse - like an addiction to your device, which yes, is really a thing - and then at that point it’ll be more challenging to cut that habit out.

3. Give your family members your phone or whatever you’re reading these things on before you sleep. You need your phone for the alarm? Buy a physical alarm and set it. Fight your urges. It’s NOT good for you.

4. Make a list on why over reading webtoons is messing with your current life schedule. Every time you get the urge to not sleep and read, go thru that list. You are going to have to give some tough love to yourself. I hope you understand that.

5. Finally, I hope you realise that that real life and webtoons are not the same. What happens in that world will not happen in this world. Whatever romance novel you’re reading is most likely not going to happen to you because love doesn’t always function like that.

If things are still not getting better, you need to be honest to your parents. I’m sure it’ll not be easy and they make take some extreme measures - but you need that short term pain if things really go that far.

Ask yourself if stopping the habit yourself is better or if having your parents step in is a better option.

[flagboi-whotookit]

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN

Moreso that @sweetheart-haely made a good point, and I like helping people. (I apologize for janky language, as I said, I'm not a professional) But before I start reviewing roguelikes, I need to answer an important question: What makes a good roguelike?

I'm going to assume that if you're here you know what a roguelike is (that and I have no clue how to explain them, they're more a feeling than a genre in my mind) So, what separates the bad from the mediocre and the mediocre from the good? 1. Replayability: This is probably the most important thing on this list. Roguelikes are a genre BUILT on replayability. I hate metaphors, (mostly since listening to seven hours of Chuck Wendig. If you know you know) but that's the best way to describe this. A roguelike is (rogue)like trying to get through a locked door. You try and pick the lock, but you don't really know what you're doing. You could try and break it down with brute force, but you're not strong enough. Maybe you try and take it off it's hinges, but you don't have the right tools for the job. But after breaking hundreds of lockpicks, or tackling the door until every muscle in your body hurts, or manually unscrewing hinges for hours, you finally get past that door. On the other side there's... another door. But you know what works for you now, so you get ready to use your preferred method to get through that next door. Sometimes that next door is a little bit tougher, sometimes there's an endless amount of doors, sometimes it's both. This is how you should structure a roguelike, or if you're a player, this is what you should look for. I got Clone Drone in the Danger Zone around five years ago, and I STILL play endless mode. You'll never want to put down a good roguelike, and if it's made correctly, you won't have too. 2. Difficulty scaling: If the start of a roguelike is the hardest part, that is not a good roguelike. Roguelikes should start at their easiest point (some roguelikes' easiest point is still excruciatingly difficult though) The tagline of the roguelike genre should be "Roguelikes - They're not going to get easier". This seems obvious though, right? Yes, you'd think so at least. But a not insignificant portion of roguelikes start extremely hard, and then snowball to the point it's not a challenge. For example: Teracards. The hardest part is the beginning. Sure, the amount of money you need to not lose goes up each time, but after a certain point purchases are negligible. Even though you went from having to pay 1 million coins to having to pay 4 (million that is), once you have that much money, you can afford to place anything in order to get that four million. I'll go into ways they could have prevented this (or fix it, since the game is still early access) in my actual review on Teracards. For now though, make sure that even if it doesn't get harder, it never gets easier. 3. Theming/gimmick: This is where a lot of roguelikes fall short. A dungeon crawler where you have to fight skeletons, goblins, and slimes? Sure, it works, but it won't stand out. You can fix this in two ways, either A) change up the setting (Shotgun King, Fights in Tight Spaces, FTL), or B) change up the mechanics (Backpack Hero, Peglin, Paint the Town Red). I don't have much to say on this broadly, as it's more of a case-by-case thing, that I'll explore more in my individual reviews. But for now, try and stand on your own in a sea of cliches. 4. There is no four. Alright, the title's a bit off, but these are probably the big three. I could ramble on and on about roguelikes, but I'll save that for the individual reviews.

So, that's it for now. Stay tunned, I'll make some actual reviews once I recover from all this typing.

[mybrainismelted]

Office AU part 5! previous parts can be found here (part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4) or read it all on AO3

Mickey went about his morning routine, showering, shaving, breakfast... all the while thinking of all the ways he was gonna get Gallagher back for last night.  He wasn't actually upset about it, but what would be the fun in admitting that?  Deciding that he needed to make sure he got to the office first, he left a bit early, taking an extra bag with him that he had thrown together with some things he might need for his little act.

He managed to get to the office first, and unpacked a few things into his drawers, leaving others in the bag for later.  He was actually managing to get some work done, and almost forgot his plan when a certain tall redhead came quietly through the door and sat down across from him.  Remembering at the last second, Mickey kept his eyes straight ahead, not acknowledging Ian at all.

"Mick?" Ian said quietly.  "Can we please talk? I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am about last night." Mickey continued to ignore him, typing away at what was actually complete gibberish that he wasn't paying one bit of attention to.  "Come on Mickey... you can't just ignore me.  Tell me you hate me, tell me I suck, just say something."

At that, Mickey reached into his drawer and pulled out an obnoxiously large set of headphones, placing them over his ears and clicking around on the computer like he was starting up something to listen to.  Ian looked completely crestfallen where he could see him out of the corner of his eye, sagged forward with his head in his hands.  He shook his head a couple of times and then got up and moved to his own desk.  Mickey had to fight to keep a smirk off his face, pretending with everything he had that he was paying absolutely no attention to the sulking ginger on the other side of the room.

About an hour later, Mickey decided that it was time for phase 2.  So he pulled out his phone and sent off a text to Jess.

Mickey:  Hey, don't ask me why, and PLEASE try to act normal, but I need you to come in here and ask me how my evening was.

Jess: Ok... why are you being weird?

Mickey: Promise I'll explain at lunch.  I just need you to do this for me.

Jess:  Fine, on my way

A minute later, she came strolling into the office, flopped down in his extra chair, and gestured for him to remove the headphones.  When he had taken them off and put them aside on his desk, she started rambling about being bored, nothing to do, and everyone else in the office being booooring.  "Enough about me, though.  How was your evening?  Do anything exciting? Or did you spend the whole night at home with that damn cat like usual?"

Mickey rolled his eyes dramatically, and said "Nothing much happened.  Had dinner, went home, watched a movie, and went to sleep.  Sorry to bore you."  He gestured with his eyes towards Ian, hoping she would take the hint, which she eventually did.  "Ugh, you are a terrible story teller.  Don't know why I put up with your ass.  What about you, Ian?  Do anything interesting last night?"  she smiled, turning to face him.

"Uh.... no, I mean, I guess not.  Kinda had a thing, but it got weird, and I dunno what's going to happen now."  He muttered, not meeting her eyes.

"Ok... well that wasn't ambiguous or anything.  Thanks for the chat."  she huffed, getting up and leaving their office.

Mickey:  That was perfect.  I seriously owe you.  Pizza for lunch?

Jess:  Hell yes, and you are paying because that was hella awkward.

Jess:  And I want an explanation!

Mickey sent her back a thumbs-up, put his headphones back on, and went back to work.

At lunch, he did tell Jess the whole story.  Dramatically, of course. By the end of the story they were both holding their stomachs from laughing, tears rolling down their faces.  "Oh shit Mickey... that poor guy is convinced that you hate him.  How long are you going to let him suffer?" Jess managed to gasp out.

"Not too long, but you know... gonna let him sweat it out for a bit.  Fucker stole my cat AND fell asleep.  Left me with blue balls in my own fucking apartment!"

They managed to calm down on the walk back to the office, as Mickey contemplated which part of his plan he wanted to use next.  When he walked into their shared office, though... his plans went out the window at the sight of Ian, sitting at his desk, eyes forward, but red-rimmed and bloodshot, his nose red, and face blotchy.  Shit.  He was just trying to have some fun with the guy.  Didn't mean to make him cry or whatever.

Ok, plan B.  Move the plans for the day waaay forward.  He quickly walked behind his desk, and pulled a small pillow out of his bag.  Walking towards Ian, who was clearly now trying to ignore HIM.... he whacked him on the head with the pillow, and then dropped it on his lap.  "That's for just in case you feel the need for another little nap.  Get your rest before you come over tonight."  He said with a wink.

Ian looked at the pillow on his lap, looked up at Mickey, and a hesitant smile crossed his face. "Yeah?  Shit Mickey... I thought you were never going to speak to me again.  I was going to get them to move me to a different office.  You aren't mad?  You still wanna do this?"

"'Course I do man.  You're hot as hell, and I kinda like your dorky ass.  You going to get up here and kiss me, or what?" 

Ian practially leaped out of his chair, and tackled Mickey against his desk.  "Fuck yeah" he muttered, before attaching himself to Mickey's lips, sliding his hands under Mickey's thighs and lifting him to sit on the desk.  Mickey couldn't help the moan that escaped him, as he pulled Ian closer, hands roaming over each others bodies as their tongues slid together.  Eventually their panting and soft moans started getting louder, and Ian pulled back.  "Be right back"  he whispered.  "Gonna close the door real quick"

Mickey huffed a laugh and scrubbed a hand over his face in an effort to calm down.  Before he knew it though, Ian was back, pulling him forward some on the desk, and attacking his mouth again.  He wrapped his arms around Ian, deepening the kiss, one hand ending up on the side of his neck, the other coming back around to the front to feel the hard planes of his chest.  Ian's hands were squeezing at his ass, wandering down his thighs, and back up.  After another minute of that, suddenly one of Ian's hands was on his belt, quickly flipping it open, then popping open the button, and sliding his zipper partway down.  Mickey's breath hitched, and he pulled away from the kiss just slightly to watch as Ian's giant hand slid inside his pants, under the band of his underwear, and slowly stroked his already hard and leaking cock.

"Fuck, oh fuck yeah" was all he could manage to get out as Ian's hand moved more firmly, slowly increasing the pace, before capturing Mickey's lips again, muffling his gasps and moans as he slowly but thoroughly jerked him to completion.  "Ian, fuck, I'm gonna...." he gasped out, just before he came, all over Ian's hand, and the inside of his boxers.  "Shit."  he panted once the aftershocks had worn off.  Ian passed him a couple of tissues that he used to clean himself as much as he could in his current position, before looking up and reaching for Ian's belt to return the favour. 

Ian stepped back, shaking his head and said "Nah, I'm good.  You can get me back tonight." With a wink, he stepped forward again, kissed Mickey softly one more time, running his fingers through his hair, and then pulled away, saying "duty calls.... back to work Milkovich"

Mickey was still slightly in a daze, but managed to slide off the desk, doing his pants back up, and opened the office door.  Shaking his head, he wandered off towards the bathroom, the only thought in his mind "holy shit I can't wait for tonight."

[stoic--rose]

going to rate all of these spells because they all piss me off to some extent

Conjure Baked Goods one of the better spells in the game, can be good to get a quick boost in cookies if you need to afford something right NOW. the backfire can be pretty rough though. 7/10

Force the Hand of Fate another pretty good spell, pretty pricey but well worth it if you get it to land. the backfire is borderline nonexistent too, since you dont NEED to click the wrath cookie. id say the real downside of the backfire is the hefty chunk of magic you lose. also, not that great for more passive builds where you're using the shimmering veil or the holobore spirit, but great otherwise. 8/10

Stretch Time kind of whatever spell, since it really only works well in conjunction with another spell or golden cookie effects. and even then, it doesn't make them THAT much longer. the backfire can really fuck you up too, if you have a good thing going. still, its affordable, so you're not losing that much by using it. 5/10

Spontaneous Edifice one of the worst spells by far, too many qualifications needed for the good effect, and a pretty bad backfire. plus, in the late game where all your buildings are over 400, it literally does nothing. WAY too expensive, pretty whatever effect (even in the early game where it does work), bad backfire, who gives a shit. 3/10

Haggler's Charm really reaaaally boring spell. 2% is not a lot, as im sure you can imagine. only lasting one minute isn't that big of a downside, since if youre using this you've probably got an upgrade in mind that you want to buy, but 2% cheaper barely makes a difference. i would say 1 hour for the backfire is pretty rough, but like... you're not really buying that many upgrades in the late game. gets a bonus point for referencing loadsamoney in the flavor text though. also really good for getting the A Wizard is You achievement, since it's the cheapest (normal functioning) spell, so another bonus point for that. 5/10

Summon Crafty Pixies has all the issues i listed with Haggler's Charm, but this one is a little more handy since you're usually buying more buildings than you are upgrades. 6/10

Gambler's Fever Dream i will say, i do like this one, if only for the fact that its extremely gimmicky. i like funny gimmicks, ill admit that. still not all that useful, even for getting the A Wizard is You achievement, since even though it's TECHNICALLY the cheapest spell, it could very easily pick Spontaneous Edifice and eat up half your magic bar. 4/10, bonus point for being funny

Resurrect Abomination yaaaaaaawn. who gives a shit man. wrinklers are not that hard to come by, so i don't really need a spell to summon them. nor do i really care if it backfires and i lose one. 3/10

Diminish Ineptitude this one is actually quite good! really it's only good in conjunction with Conjure Baked Goods or Force the Hand of Fate, but still! if it works, great! go for a spell you wanted to use! if it doesn't, just don't use spells for the next 10 minutes! pretty good overall, just wish the other spells were good enough to warrant using it more. 7/10

feel free to let me know how incorrect my opinions are and explain why some of these are actually good because i want to know what situation would warrant any of these

[intosnarkness]

So IDK if any of you are interested, but I felt the need to write a sort of DVD commentary for Adding on Weight talking about easter eggs and inspirations.

General

Working title was "Die a Boring Death" but I decided that it didn't make sense past chapter 5.

I spent a lot of time trying to find something about longing, about wanting someone to want something. About wanting to be wanted, or wanting in general. I never found it and I'm not sure I like the title I landed on. 

(The song after the chapter is where the title is from.)

Chapter 1: Dial Drunk, Noah Kahan

I moved the timeline of the book because I wanted everyone to have more time to feel consequences. Kaz gets happy years before he gets imprisoned. Matthias is in Hellgate for longer. Everyone has a long enough time to actually work through the grief because I don't have to write YA where they're 17 years old.

Sir was originally 2 characters; a heavy and a talky guy. By the time I got to chapter 5 and knew what was going to happen when Kaz escaped, I knew I had to cut them to one. So we lost the talky guy and Sir just became more odious.

Kaz eats an apple because this is his Kobyashi Maru

The assignment was originally to wipe out the principal of the debt. Once I did math, that wasn't going to be near enough of an impetus.

The chef Kaz works for is named Kooken, which is just the Dutch word for "cook"

Chapter 2: Afraid of Heights, boygenuis

The party was not the original idea here, at the point of writing this chapter I didn't have the inciting crime totally figured out (originally Jordie just lost money he was carrying, but that wasn't good enough later to imprison and brutalize Kaz) and so I had this idea that he'd been breaking into the office of the brothel and doing like… audits that got him attention. And Pekka was going to send him to a Mercher's home to get their financial information. I scrapped that when I decided Pekka was going to be our major villain.

The entire point of this chapter was to get Kaz in eyeliner

No actually, the idea of Kaz being forced to sit on Pekka's lap and count cards came extremely early in the process, as did the idea of it being where Inej sees the potential. Originally she was going to be a Dreg lieutenant but I didn't want to have to deal with Per Haskell, so I gave her a gang of her own.

The tattoo knife thing would absolutely not work in reality. 

Card counting is not that reliable. 

The tray of glasses was a very late addition to the story, but I fell in love with the idea of Kaz having glass stuck in him that no one will help him with but Nina.

I always think the trope of a person sitting in the shadows waiting for another person is ridiculous because it implies that they broke in and sat in the dark for hours waiting. Doing fuck all. I still made Inej do it.

Chapter 3: Afraid of Heights, boygenuis

The chapter that boygenuis wrote, this whole thing is a mix between revolution 0 and afraid of heights

I just want to know/who broke your nose/figure out where they live/so I can kick their teeth in

There's been a run of fires downtown/On half-built construction sites/I know you never liked a townhouse/I've seen you climb a crane at night/If they ever catch you at it/I know you'd want me to be proud/That you took a rich man's dream/And brought it with you on your way down

Kaz thinks the Jam Tart House is a stupid name because I do. Who names a house that? But it's in the book!

They're drinking fantasy Strongbow at the night market.

Kaz crawling into Inej's bed is, to me, the saddest scene of this entire fic.

Chapter 4: Stick Season, Noah Kahan

A deck of cards and book of tricks gets left in Kaz's room, but he doesn't stop to think about who left them there. This is Inej, wanting him to want things.

"Good days" here is lying in wait for Jesper's question six chapters later. 

The client Kaz kills was an early idea, that he'd be set off by the word "daddy". Mostly because I am. 

The Floating Place is pure dissociation. Brought to you by my mental illnesses.

"So break me. Or buy me." is one of my favorite lines.

Kaz makes more than $1,200 a night. At the end of 8 years, assuming no days off and no fines, he would have made $3,504,000. He has paid off his principal 54 times. 

We learn later that his debt is held at 500% interest, which means at the end of 8 years with 0 payments he would have owed $221,709,240,000.

Kaz is getting fucked by the interest.

"Young, dumb, and down for everything" was originally "young, dumb, and full of come" but I couldn't bring myself to put that in a story.

Inej's story changed a few times, mostly her age at the time of the raid. At first she was 14 when it happened, but I needed more time for her father to drink himself to death and her to hunt down slavers before getting to Ketterdam. So now I imagine she left Ravka on her mission around 14.

Chapter 5: Afraid of Heights, boygenuis

Kaz's birthday is canonically in December or January, so I believe my exact idea for this scene was December 20. That's my mom's birthday.

Kaz's Kaelish is actually the gaelic for "you are an excellent lover"

Jesper's comment about using the curtains to hang youself is due to the way Margret Atwood describes Offred's room in the Handmaid's Tale. 

Getting them in year four would mean Kaz was 17, so after the leg, which he refers to as "breaking him beyond repair" later.

Kaz doesn't put on shoes because I wasn't sure he would own a pair. Why would he?

The Sir fight scene was originally much shorter, but I liked the idea of Kaz getting a little beat up.

I kinda regret killing Sir here. I should have done it after chapter 8, it would have meant more to the audience.

""No," he says. "I'm right here." was originally the last line of the story.

And then she's gone/And then he's alone is a reference to Come From Away and you can pry it from my cold, dead hands.

Kaz hiding under the bed is inspired by the one scene in The Haunting of Hill House that I have never watched, where the Tall Man comes for his hat.

Inej brings coffee because Kaz wished for coffee in chapter 1 as a luxury he didn't get. She doesn't know it, but I do.

Chapter 6: Harmony Hall, Vampire Weekend

Going to the exchange to see his debt posted was a night before publishing add or I would have written the entire scene. I should have.

I had to think of a reason for Inej to be painting. In reality, I think she just finds Ketterdam ugly and needs the beauty in her life.

"Wool socks" is inspired by that viral Danny Pudi clip 

I imagined Inej did a lot of the "hanging head first in a canal while the tide comes in" type murders because then she can tell herself that if the Saints want them to live, they will.

"Don't come into my club and refuse my hospitality" is based on something my grandfather would say if we came to his restaurant and weren't hungry. You could order a plate of nothing, but you had to order something. 

Kaz mentions that he should learn people's names here. By chapter 14, he will know the name of every Razorgull he meets.

Chapter 7: Dial Drunk, Noah Kahan

I forgot about the first tattoo knife for a long time and had to go back and write it in. I believe Nina had it with her on Heist Night.

Kaz's back being scarred from beatings was a decision I made because I needed him to be damaged in ways people didn't know about to echo his insides. 

This is the only time the word "rape" is used in the entire fic.

The private room where they have dinner is based very specifically on one at the Palm that my parents rented out for my dad's birthday once. There are fewer caricatures in Kaz and Inej's.

"Secret for a secret" was the only way I could make Kaz talk in this scene.

Chapter 8: revolution 0, boygenuis

Is the whistle Inej uses (and Wylan does later) the conflict motif from West Side story? I'll never tell.

Inej in the meeting with Pekka is heavily inspired by a specific Space Pirate RP Pixy and I did 12 years ago. "I didn't do it and you can't prove it" was her character's MO there.

$60,000 at 500% for 40 years would end up being $1,764,509,279,127,346,261,335,823,263,022,972,928 with 0 payments. 

We know Kaz makes more than $1200 a night, and works 7 days a week. Assuming he never had a day off and never incurred a fine, he would make $17,520,000 in 40 years. 

He was always fucked. 

I very nearly cut the leg breaking scene because it was just that brutal. I expected more people to be disgusted with Sir afterwards, anyway. This is why I shouldn't have killed him so early. If he was in the room for Kaz's flashback it would have hit harder.

The style of the leg breaking is deeply inspired by my friend Ruby, who writes such beautiful horrors.

Chapter 9: Afraid of Heights, boygenuis

Kaz counting his kisses starting over is something I borrowed from Natasha Romanoff fic. It doesn't count if you had to do it.

I also do not know how to make dry coffee be wet coffee but that's because I hate coffee.

Inej gets to show her smarts here, she knows what Kaz saw even if he still doesn't. He never mentions two sets of books, but she recognizes the behavior and names it.

Inej does angry dishes as a homage to my college friend Elle who used to clean my dorm room when she was pissed off.

Chapter 10: revolution 0, boygenuis

Originally Nina was going to be able to control dissociation a lot better until I reread her intro in SOC and she specifically says she can't control the brain. That's when I invented plan B for the heist: fantasy roofies.

Jesper and Kaz are flirting while picking locks and I ship it.

"You've been through it" is in fact the most insane way I could think of to respond to "I wish I could have picked locks so fewer people would have assaulted me," which is in itself a BUCK WILD thing to say.

The affidavit was a late addition. I needed Kaz to be more afraid.

"Torpor of constant terror" would be a good band name

Originally the painting had a representation of Kaz and Inej in it, but that felt too obvious to me.

Chapter 11: revolution 0, boygenuis

Inej is wearing a fantasy Sari. Kaz specifically got 9 yds of silk for it.

It is raining because something has to go wrong in a heist and it can't be something that the characters could have planned for. Adding it allowed me to slow down the escape from Pekka's office later (sealing the tray) and also set Kaz on high alert so he'd be more susceptible to the panic later

Chapter 12: Cool About It, boygenuis

Describing a person as "built like a ship- wide and low" gave me great joy.

The cloche tray was one of those happy accidents I wrote in that turned into a gift. Initially it was just a tray. Then it had a fork. Then it was a ledger containment device. But that all happened organically.

Originally Jesper left the code in his pants in the ceiling, but I decided that was a stupid mistake to make and I didn't want him to look incompetent.

The guards absolutely smell the acid and that's what brings them into the room.

Chapter 13: Harmony Hall, Vampire Weekend

The chapter of badass lines

There are 0 hits on google for the phrase "upstanding young criminal", which I was sure I stole from somewhere.

The tattoo knife being Kaz's weapon here was planned from chapter 2. I loved the idea of Kaz stabbing Pekka with a knife made of the ink Pekka put on him.

Maybe someday I will write a story about Dime Lion Hostage girl, because I love her an irrational amount.

The hero/corpse line gave me so much joy that I told it to my roommate who also thought I plagiarized it. I did not.

I knew Kaz had to think something happened to Inej, but I was disgusted at the idea of actually hurting her in a sexual way. In the first draft of this scene, I still didn't know why Pekka wanted to get her alone and I wrote a whole monologue about them joining forces and it was extremely bad.

I considered having Kaz tell Pekka that his son had already signed a contract to be a closer analogue to the book, but it just didn't make sense for this Kaz.

Chapter 14: House By The Sea, Moddi

Do not jump out of third story windows. I did a lot of research about this, you will injure yourself.

Here we have the first hint that Kaz has actually integrated into the Gulls, even if he doesn't know it yet. When he bursts into the guard shack Dael (who I also love?) speaks to him, and not Jesper.

The guardroom questions between Jesper and Kaz are my least favorite scene in this story. It feels like plain exposition to me, but it needed to happen and I never figured out how to make it better.

"You should see the other guy" is what Jesper said back in chapter 4 when he got stabbed. It was my brother's go-to response when he was hurt after wrestling matches in high school and college.

"I've been worse" is what Kaz told Nina back in chapter 2 after the beating. It's what I tend to say when someone at work asks me how I am.

Kerstan, the Razorgull who gives Kaz a blanket, is roughly 9 years old. I know his backstory vaguely (he is Dael's little brother), but mostly he's meant to invoke feelings of "what the fuck" in Kaz

I went back and forth about the scene with the caning scars. I almost cut it, but in the end I wanted Inej to assert that she loved Kaz, and I wanted Kaz to be able to tell her that he wasn't ready for her to love him that way, but he wanted to be.

Pekka in draft 1 was the captain of the ship, but if he was running the Dime Lions when Kaz was 9-13, that would only give him a few years to get to that position. So I adjusted him to the owner. 

Chapter 15: Harmony Hall, Vampire Weekend

I had the worst time with this chapter, it got rewritten about 90 times

This piece of paper (below) reads "Open before fall/house by the sea/contracts" as the three things I needed to remember to keep in it through the drafts. It was taped next to my computer.

Inej is talking about the Ice Court when she talks about the big job

This is the only chapter that was NOT finished when I started posting. I didn't know what the last line would be, but I knew I'd find it in editing. 

[euphoriasdesk]

Hi, im a grade 12 student and im considering studying law soon, and i was wondering if theres anything you wish you knew about studying law when you were at the stage that I am? thank you

hi! take this w a grain of salt bc ive only been going to school for a month. but here u go!

1. it involves a lot of reading. A LOT. and you have to absorb the concepts as you read them the first time bc, more often than not, you're not gonna have the time to go over them a second time for a more in-depth review. it would just be to jog your recall. don't worry too much tho! this is a skill you naturally develop especially throughout your college years since you would be reading a lot of difficult texts (i assume you'll be taking up an ab program since you have plans to pursue law?) of course, law school is 100x harder than college and you can never fully prepare for the workload, but building a stable foundation as early as now would definitely help you in the future.

2. you need to be great at thinking on your feet. this is something im struggling with at the moment bc of my social anxiety and fear of public speaking (ikr, what am i doing in law school lmao). i have always been the type to internally rehearse what i need to say a thousand times before i actually say it out loud. if you put me on the spot, no matter how impressive the idea is inside my head, it's all disorganized and incohesive the moment it comes out of my mouth. that being said, try to participate as much as you can in activities that expose you to public speaking and impromptu speeches like hosting school events, reporting, debate orgs, etc.

3. you don't have to be smart, but you definitely need to be studious. admittedly, people who are inherently intelligent will have an advantage over the others because they'll be able to understand concepts quicker (it is an edge bc believe me —there's never enough time when you're in law school). sure, it might be a little harder (i know it is for me); nevertheless, you'll survive even if you are not one of those people who are intellectually gifted. what you need is to be consistent in studying, because you absolutely won't last 4 years in law school if you don't put in the work. always come to class prepared. study all the topics assigned, or at least try to cover as many as you can bc you definitely can't bs your way out of a recit.

4. the idea of becoming a lawyer was planted in my mind by suits and htgawm 🤣 don't fall into that trap like i did! the study of law is nothing like its portrayal in popular media (which is understandable bc no one would wanna watch the monotonous lives and routines of law students if not from rose-tinted glasses). media makes a spectacle out of the sleepless nights and the volume of material to be read and mastered, but it doesnt reveal the exhaustion that comes from such to the point that you avoid laying down during your breaks in between periods of studying for fear that you cant close your eyes for a minute wo drifting off to sleep. it glamorizes the idea of allotting most of your waking hours to studying but it doesn't show on TV the faces of your family when you say you cannot come yet again to the plans they made on the weekend. your heart must be REALLY in it, or you should at least want it enough for you to be able to make the sacrifices it's gonna require you to make because—believe me—there would be many.