#like 3 of these were for my old request blog and I've been forgetting to post + experimenting

[cowsuponcows]

Woe! Homestuck be upon ye!

[Please use she/her and cow/cows and the names Tabitha or Tavros for both Tavros's, she/it/neigh for Equius and he/it/purr for Nepeta!] [All okay to tag as kin/id/me EXCEPT the Hal, that was a fictive request]

[lilacmingi]

Hi! I've been reading things from your blog for a couple months now, and I've always wanted to request a certain scenario that tickles my brain just right. But, I don't know if you're comfortable with it or not. I just went through your rules and I'm not for sure, but if you want to decline this request then that's okay! I understand :)

I've been wondering how BTS would react of they spontaneously just decided to adopt a kid, around 14 years old but looks much older. Like, she looks 17. She has an attitude that's a little too firey and she curses worse than a sailor. She had a rough past and she can act mature and nice when she wants to, but she usually chooses not to. She's more reserved and maybe some of her violent wants are a little questionable, but she never acts on them? (She low-key needs therapy but refuses to go cause she's stubborn)

Sorry if this is super personalized and specific but I had some things happen when I was 14 and that's how I acted afterwards, and I just want to know how your amazing mind would put this together!

Again, you don't have to do this so please don't hesitate to tell me if you're uncomfortable with it! I love your work and your sexy brain for making these! ❤️

Hello! 🫶🏻 I’m not sure if you saw in the “rules/about the blog” post, but I mentioned that this account was just for funsies and that I wouldn’t be taking requests. If you happened to overlook it, please let me know so I can try and make it more noticeable for anyone who comes along in the future! <3 I’ve actually had a post drafted for a month that I’ve been meaning to post where I reiterate that I don’t take requests and explain why, but I keep forgetting to do it.

Even if I was accepting requests, I don’t really feel comfortable writing something like what you’ve described. I don’t write things about pregnancy, adoption, having kids, trauma, mental disorders, swearing etc. (I don’t swear, so my works reflect that)

I know you said it was okay if I said no (and you were so sweet too aaaa) but I’m sorry �� I also just kinda wanted to explain why I’m saying no. Thank you for taking the time to leave this ask though, and thank you for reading my stuff and enjoy it!! 🖤💜 I wanna share more of my BTS stuff here, as I’ve got 3 books worth of imagines over on Wattpad that I hope to go through and share here in the future

[otomiyaa]

Questions & Answers

Hi hi, finally some time to write this! Due to recent events I've been getting some questions from various people and I also have some questions for you guys so I'll try to do this in 1 post 😸

My answers:

Are you really not planning to write fics anymore?

That's the plan *nodnod*, but you know me. There's always a 'but' and a clown mask ready in my storage to put on if I happen to go against my own words. But the intention is to stop posting fics here, I'm too tired of it now lol. I might post a fic or two on AO3 once in a while, maybe write a collab with Mia if I feel like it. It's just... how do I say it.. my motivation to write more fics basically got washed down the drain together with blog #1. Let us see for how long that motivation swims in the sewers...

Can you reupload [fic name]?

If it's on my AO3, I won't. If it's not, hmm.... I probably also won't. But! It depends on the fic. Always feel free to ask, but please don't get angry when I say no! ^^ For now I have an exception: commissions. More about this down below in my question to you guys.

Why won't you try to get your old blog back?

It would require filing an objection against the copyright claims against me with all the legal risks, submitting my personal info from home address to name, and consenting to USA legal law stuffs bluhblahblah... :") For me too much of a hassle. I don't think my blog is worth it. Even if I don't know the exact details, I'm sure they're not wrong. Whether it's fair or not, most fandom stuff has copyright issues in the end, so I can't protest against the claims with 100% certainty it won't get me in real trouble. More info about this soon in another post!

My questions:

👇 only for those interested, feel free to comment, send ask or DM if you have can help :)

Do you have reblogs of my old posts?

To everyone who has some posts left on their blog that were mine, whether it's a headcanon, fic (still accessible one, so not a broken 'keep reading'- link), manga or anime scene, ask game, gif set or translation, if it's not too much trouble could you maybe comment on that post and @ me? Or... send me a link or smth in DM? Doesn't need to be every single trivial post. Maybe just the ones you liked most, or something... idk. I just might want to re-share a couple of posts here and it's so hard finding reblogs of my anonface-blog through search functions and stuff. Any help will be greatly appreciated!

P.S. I also found a lot of old posts, or posts that I liked (such as tickle art etc.) in the archives of @ticklygiggles, @ticklishdreams, @infrequent-creator - I hope you guys won't mind me making use of this (also thank you for the awesome support through the years afihs;ogojjoihgjn)!

Did you have a commission that was on my blog and do you prefer if this is reposted or not?

Some people 'bought' fics back when I had a shady kofi shop running and those fics were posted both on my AO3 and Tumblr (+ were sent in PDF format if requested). No matter how much you paid for the fic, part of the deal was that it would be posted on Tumblr so if by any chance you lost a commissioned fic and wish for me to repost this here on the new blog, please let me know...:3

Anything else? 👀

Well... With the loss of my account there were more things that went lost than just my fics, such as asks that were still in my inbox, DMs, personal stories and more. I did not back up anything and have zero overview and my memory is shit. If I am forgetting something, if you once sent me something and it's now gone (and you still have it), or if there's anything else I am missing smh, please let me know.

However please note that I am not planning to turn this blog into a copy of my previous one. If you submitted a fic to my old blog, I won't repost it here sadly (I hope you saved it). But if you posted an irl tickle story (I'll still accept these), a headcanon for your fav character or pairing or something else, I'll gladly accept it even if it's a copy of what you once sent to my old blog! With that said, I'll go back to finishing that second-to-last tickletober fic of mine... after I eat dinner. muhahah.

[queerprayers]

pinned post/faq <3

I follow/like from my personal @sapphicpenguin

Here's my resources/book recs document, and here's my Storygraph!

If I've reblogged one of your posts and you'd rather not have it on my blog (whether because of my religion, my platform, the post being personal, or anything else), let me know and I'll delete it as soon as I can. Although if it's just because I'm gay I can't promise anything.

Anyone of any, some, or no faith practice can follow me and interact with me. Yes, you can follow me if you're a witch/pagan/satanist. Yes, you can follow me for the aesthetics or for your fandom content.

You're welcome to follow me if you disagree with some/most/all of what I say (because I believe in following people you disagree with to learn about them, and I welcome people who are unsure about queer faith or faith in general. I hope I can be an example/learning experience), but please don't be antagonistic/hateful. Keep it to yourself. I welcome conversation, but this is not a debate blog.

I generally tag common triggers (+ swearing) but I do occasionally forget. Please let me know if I've forgotten something or if you need something else tagged, but please be aware that common Christian art themes (like the crucifixion) will be present on this blog.

I am not able to answer every ask I receive, I'm sorry. I will see it and I will pray for you. 

I am NOT good at DMs, I'm so sorry. I do my best. Please know any lack of communication on my part is not personal.

Disclaimer: I am a 22-year-old with a high school level education who has not been ordained and is not a therapist. I read and write and think and I live through things that occasionally resonate with people. I'll give you any advice I can, but I claim no expertise. I might not have answers, but I will probably have a lot to say (and perhaps a reading list).

I respect and honor any religion based in love and genuine practice. I specifically and fully support Judaism and Islam and welcome interfaith prayer and discussions. God is infinite and all prayer is holy.

I specifically support trans people and believe we were all made in the image of God. My relationship with gender is complicated, but I exist in community with people of all different experiences, and have never failed to find holiness in those living out their calling.

I'm a white person in the US. This has obviously informed my experience and faith. While I learn and deconstruct/reconstruct, I'm always open to criticism and people sharing their experience/opinion.

Calling myself a leftist is purposely very general—I'm a leftist in the same way I'm a Christian (participating in a long tradition, existing in conflict with people under the same umbrella, taking the parts that can be lived out in love).

Similarly, "Lutheran" is more of a heritage, worship practice, and starting-point, not an identity or blind agreement/acceptance. Lutheranism is where I'm from and informs my perspective, but my theology does not always align with Lutheran institutions, and I definitely do not condone many of the things Martin Luther said/believed.

My profile picture is Joanna, the saint I was named after! She's one of the women in Luke's gospel who visits Jesus's empty tomb.

Reblogs do not equal endorsements of that blog. I don't go through everything a blog has posted before reblogging.

No, I don't mind if you "spam" like/reblog from me. You could like every post I've ever posted and I'd be honored. Don't worry about it!

My tagging system is woefully behind/unorganized. Hopefully this will be remedied soon. My "asks" and "prayer requests" tags are pretty reliable, though.

<3 Johanna

[ranposlittle]

Ah hi! I recently found your blog, which I love it by the way :3. I was wondering if I could request a Dazai and reader fluff. Like maybe a reader who's feeling confident in their body for once and cuddles maybe?? Something like that idk I've never submitted an request before. you don't have to! but if you do I'd love it ♥️

Genre: SFW, Scenario

Tags: Fluff, Comfort, Self confidence, Self-acceptance

▮ ❝ Hello, anon! Thank you so very much for your kind words! Here’s your request~ I understand the struggle of body image so I hope I did this some justice  (´･_･`) I hope you’d enjoy this nevertheless! Have a nice day~ ❞

˚ * . ⊹ • ꒰꒱ • ⊹. * ˚

It might be a bit late for you to do a spring cleaning but you woke up on the right side of the bed, setting you up in the mood to move. You set up your feel-good playlist and get to work.

You start with the basic cleaning. You dusted and wiped every surface you could reach, vacuumed the floor as clean as you could and by the afternoon, the only thing left to do is to organize your belongings.

Swaying softly along with the music playing on your speakers, you took out your clothes and rummaged through them. Through your search of which ones to keep and which ones to donate, you saw a dress that you had purchased long ago and have only worn once.

It was in the perfect shade of your favorite color and you still love it, but you remembered how the fabric hugs your body quite tightly. That one night you wore it, you were constantly pulling on it, feeling extremely conscious of your appearance.

Staring at the dress, you smiled bitterly at the memory. You don't really want to donate it but at the same time, you're not sure if you could wear it ever again.

But you are such in a good mood! You can't just allow an old memory to ruin a perfectly happy day!

Biting your lip, you decided to take on the challenge. You hopped into the shower and took a nice, warm bath. You sang to your heart's delight and danced as joyously as you could without slipping. Anything, just to keep your spirits high.

When you got out, you yanked the dress out of the pile of clothes and looked at it with a determined look. You worn your best pair of underwear and faced the mirror. You took a deep breath before slowly slipping into it.

You remembered how you would have a bit of a problem when it's time to zip up and it doesn't help that it's one of those invisible zippers at the back. Luckily, as you were just thinking about it, you heard your boyfriend come in.

"I'm in here!" You shouted for his attention.

Dazai walked to your bedroom and looked in awe at the mountain of clothes on your bed. "What's going on in here?"

He inched closer to you and realized that you just took a bath. Not just any bath, apparently since you used your favorite body wash which you only use for important times. He also noticed from the gaps in your dress the lingerie that you're wearing, and he was about to make a cheeky comment about it when you abruptly spoke.

"Can you please help me zip up? I can't quite reach it."

"Is there an occasion?" He asked, smirking. "Did I forget our anniversary again?"

"No, don't worry. If that's the case, you would've been kicked out by now," you jested. "I just want to try this on. It's been a while since I've worn it. It probably won't fit, but whatever."

Dazai hummed. He took the zipper and your heart raced as he gently pushed it up. You know the zipper usually gets stuck once it reaches your hips but when Dazai glided it up without a problem, you squealed in happiness.

"It fits!" You exclaimed, jumping on your boyfriend. "It still fits! Oh my god! It fits!"

"Okay, okay. Calm down, darling," Dazai chuckled and wrapped his arms around your waist to keep you still. "You look great in that dress. Is this your way of saying you want to eat in that fancy restaurant again?"

"Well, I wouldn't say no if you ask me. But-" you turned to face the mirror once again- "I just can't believe it still actually fits."

You ran your hand over the texture of the fabric as you scanned your reflection and saw how the dress actually accommodates the shape of your body considerably well. Yes, you may not be close to the definition of a 'perfect' body but, you don't really have to be.

At that moment, an epiphany hits you. You realize that you feel happy and beautiful in this dress, it's only the anxious thoughts you have about other people's opinions that ruins your perception of yourself, but without it, you could say that you look dashing in it. You understood that maybe you don't have to entirely fall in love with your body at once; maybe at this moment, it's good enough that you accept the body that you are in— with its flaws and all. You accept it and you are determined to do the best you can to take care of it.

Dazai saw you smile lovingly in your reflection. He knows you struggle with your self-image sometimes, and he understands why this might be such a big thing for you. He nuzzled his face on your neck and gave you gentle kisses on the cheek.

"You're so beautiful," he muttered. "You took great care of yourself and you deserve to be happy. I'm very proud of you."

You felt a huge boost in confidence with your boyfriend's statement. You looked into the eyes of your own reflection and repeated the same words — 'You're so beautiful. I'm very proud of you.'

"I think I'm ready to go to that restaurant now," you said, looking sideways and meeting Dazai's face.

"How about we just stay in tonight?" He replied sultry. "I just want to make sure that you undoubtedly know how gorgeous you are."

With a squeal and a laughter, Dazai tackled you down onto the pile of clothes and whispered words of love for you until the dawn crept in.

[thegracelessfaceless]

20 Fluff/Relationship Prompts- @commander-krios

Creepypasta Edition

A. "The closest thing to love at first sight I've ever experienced happened when I first laid eyes on you."

B. “You’ll find your way back to me, I know you will.”

C. “You’re the reason I’m still here.”

D. “You’re worth the wait.”

E. “I don’t know if I want to yell at you or kiss you.”

(More below cut due to length)

F. “If it means anything, I love you.”

G. "If there was ever anybody meant for me, it's you."

H. “You make me feel alive. For the first time ever, I feel like I can breathe.”

I. "I promised to love you forever, and that is a promise I intend to keep."

J. "All I've ever -wanted was a place to belong. Somewhere I could call home. And you gave me that. Because you are my home."

K. "You brought me breakfast?" "Well you said you always forget to eat before you go to work, so I thought I'd make sure you ate something."

L. "Can you stay? Just for tonight, please. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts." "'l'll stay for as long as you need."

M. "We've been by each other's sides for years, you think I'm gonna leave now?"

N. "I will never stop fighting for you. I will never stop protecting you."

O. "I think I'm falling in love with you." "I think I'm okay with that."

P. "The world gets a little brighter when you’re around."

Q. “For the most part, I am, in fact, an idiot. But I fully admit to it, which should count for something.”

R. "I don't want you to die for me, I want you to live for me."

S. “For the most part, I am, in fact, an idiot. But I fully admit to it, which should count for something.”

T. "I heard that!" "You were supposed to!"

♡Status: Active/Open

♡Characters/situation I will not write for: Clockwork, Sally Williams. Both have too traumatic of a back story.

♡ I refuse to disregard someone's sexual identity. If a character is canonically a homosexual male, I will not write a request for you where that character is written as a heterosexual male.

♡ I will not write about minors and their relationships. Every character in my blog is aged up to over eighteen years old.

♡ If I'm not familiar with your creepypasta of choice, I may take longer to answer. This is because I'm "getting to know" your character. If I end up having some kind of problems writing for that character, I'll contact you and see what we can work out.

♡Rules for Requests:

You may pick up to three (3) prompt sentences.

You may request for more than one character, but keep in mind that that will also take more time to plot out everyone's personalities.

I will write smut, but only when requested. I ask you keep too harsh of constructive criticism to yourself when it comes to my NSFW posts; it's awkward enough for me some times to even write anything sexual, much less post it.

♡ Ofc, normal requests, other writing prompts, matchups, etc will remain open.

♡ Just don't make any Sally Face requests until September 1st! I've been plotting and planning for my SF return. I think it will go as well as can be expected, considering the entire fandom is waiting for the next game.

♡ Remember, the more detailed you are in your request, the better I can write whatever it is that you want written

[paradise-creator]

Hellooo!! I love love LOVE the diamond box matchup you did!! You're amazing!! Your blog is incredible!! Now I'm here for a romantic haven box Haikyuu matchup pls🥺

Appearance: My name is Kay! She/her, black, straight, 5'1, I have a slightly athletic & curvy-ish figure (lol idk), short-ish hair(like mid-neck), dark brown eyes, shoe size 9, I like to dress comfy so I'm always in oversized hoodies, sweatpants, sneakers, sweatshirts and shorts. I like colorful clothes too, high waisted jeans and shorts and boots. I'm not very fashionable but I try lol.

Personality:

Basics: infp-t, Hufflepuff, Taurus sun, scorpio moon, sanguine, chaotic good, ambivert.

Some positive traits: I'm optimistic, friendly, energetic, organized, enthusiastic, observant, happy, open-minded, loving, encouraging and inquisitive!!

Some negative traits: I'm annoying, perfectionist, insecure, forgetful, easily distracted, kinda lazy, argumentative, too nice at times and clingy.

I love learning new things!! Currently I'm learning Korean, how to draw, how to paint and songs on the saxophone.

When I'm up for it, I love fun physical activity!! Going for a hike, going to the gym, bungee jumping, mountain climbing, going camping and etc :D

Although I love going out, nothing beats lazy days at home. I can spend hours by myself and still be happy. When alone I usually sleep or watch a movie/anime or practice my drawing or saxophone or try and learn something new!

I have a horrible memory and can never remember important dates 😭 I've forgotten my own birthday a few times (rip) so people can get mad at me for missing appointments, forgetting birthdays and other important days. I try my best to organize everything necessary on my phone calendar so I can be reminded.

I love seeing people happy! Nothing can fulfill my day more than knowing I put a smile on someone's face! I usually try my best to help out anyone who needs it and to the best of my ability! This has led to me getting taken advantage of in the past but I can't help but try and make others happy. I've developed a thicker skin and some trust issues as I've grown up because of it.

I love hyping my friends/family up!! Do you need a boost in confidence? Here I am, ready to help you remember the absolute king/queen/royalty that you are!! I'm usually very energetic and enthusiastic about many things and I love spreading positivity around!!

My love language is physical touch! So touch is very important to me in my relationships. Though I am insecure so I tend to think that I smother the people I care about with too much affection idk lol. I live for hugs and cuddles and hand holding 👉🏿👈🏿 but because of that I feel like I'm very clingy and annoying skskfksjd

I'm introverted in nature so although I mean usually full of energy and love making new friends, I can't do it for too long lol. My social battery runs out really fast and I have to hide away and recharge before I can be fully social again, otherwise I won't be my best self. I treasure personal time and understand when people need time for themselves too.

I love spontaneity!! I love living in the moment and doing stuff just for the hell of it!! Wanna go on a road trip? Dance in the rain? Build houses for charity? Go to McDonald's at 2am? Go on a long walk? SIGN ME UP!!

I can also be lazy and unmotivated to do stuff. If something doesn't interest me, I'd find myself incapable of doing it or I'd do it with great difficulty. I'm one of those 'do something when inspiration/motivation hits you otherwise it'll be absolute shit' types.

But when I do have motivation/inspiration that's when my perfectionism comes in and I have to do it in the best possible way and anything less is an insult to me, my family, my ancestors and descendants lmaoo. Unfortunately I subconsciously set a very high bar for myself which can be overwhelming and stressful but when I manage to produce work of that quality, it's very satisfying and rewarding jshkshdhsj

I have more to add but I feel like this is getting way too long 💀 lemme just move to the next section heheheh

Hobbies: I LOVE listening to music, learning new things, watching movies/anime, sleeping, reading, writing, playing saxophone (I'm still learning tho lol), swimming, drawing, journaling, making friends, and cooking!

My music taste: any type of rock (punk rock, grunge, j-rock, metal), pop, KPOP, RnB, jazz, dubstep, lofi hip hop, rap, trap, krnb, anime OP's and bangers from: Elvis, the beach boys, Queen, Khalid, Ateez, Harry styles, Kendrick Lamar, p!atd, mcr, fallout boy, Nirvana, BTS, mxmtoon, Marianas trench, twenty one pilots, stray kids, Jay Park, crush, Dreamcatcher, Skrillex, MJ, troye sivan etc

Fun facts:

I'm more of a cat person but I live dogs and think they're adorable!!

I have four piercings and I plan on getting more soon!!

I'm a night owl, and get super grumpy in the mornings especially when woken up unexpectedly >:/

Although I love making friends, I only have like 1/2 super close friends and like 20+ acquaintances lol

I want to get a tattoo soon but idk what to get :(

I'm super addicted to coffee (rip) and if I don't take some for some time (like a week) I'll get the worst migraines and I won't feel better until I drink some coffee 😭

That's it!! I hope i wrote enough stuff!! Did I leave anything out? If you need more pls tell me and I'll send another ask :D Take your time!! I'm in no rush. I'll patiently wait even though you get writers block or have a large amount of asks 😌 pls stay safe and healthy!! Drink lots of water, sleep well and have an amazing day/night!! 💙✨

↬ ──:.⃗➹ +.*༉‧ᵕ̈°`*↷. ೃ₊✎⸙͎˚- ̗̀✧: ──↫

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✯ ⋆      ┊ .  ˚                                   ⊹

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Dream catcher loading...

ɴᴏᴡ ʟᴏᴀᴅɪɴɢ

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Hello and Welcome my Starlight!

The Haven box includes:

- Match up

- Sun drop

- Journal of Feelings

- 3 am shenanigans

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

I'd match you up with

Sugawara Koushi, Vice-captain of Karasuno

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Sun drops

- OKAY so like, as I read your description I thought of Akaashi or Yaku or Sugawara

- Me being the indecisive author I am had trouble picking

- But then I remembered that you loved to do spontaneous things.

- And that's when I realized that Sugawara is THE ONE

- You two would be deemed the "3 am couple"

- Or in the team it would be "Epitome of Chaos"

- He takes care of you

- He will alway remind you that you don't need to be perfect

- Insecurities? BE GONE

- Nagativity? BE GONE

- That's basically his motto

- He is both your mom and partner in Crime

- did I mention he will take care of you?

- CUDDLES AND KISSES FOR DAYS

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Journal of feelings

- Once this man realizes that you LOVE physical affection. He will give it to you. EVERYTIME HE SEES YOU

Kay entered the gym to watch her boyfriend play. She tried sneaking in and so far it has been great. She thought she was off the hook but then felt a familiar arms wrapped around her waist. "I found you~" Sugawara said with a smile.

- You both would often plan pranks and majority of the times, it would succeed

"Okay okay, so what are we doing today?" Kay asked the silver haired male. "Oh~ maybe we can scare Asahi or anyone for that matter with a beetle?" Sugawara suggested. "That's--no," Kay responded.

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

3 am shenanigans

It’s 3 am in the morning. Almost everyone is fast asleep or in their homes, well almost. The night sky is littered with diamond in the sky. The streets were silent but it was comforting. A few people walked here and there. And a few cars passes by there and here. “What are we doing up so late?” A silver haired man said as he yawned. “We’ll be going to Mc Donald’s! What else?” The female responded as she smiled at him. “Is it even open at this time?” He asked. “Koushi, darling, it is open,” Kay, the lover of our beloved silvered male man said as she smiled. Sugawara chuckled and held her hand, the smile on his face was evident. “You know, we should be sleeping by now right?” He said as he pulled her closer. “And so what? I wasn’t planning on sleeping early! I slept the whole day yesterday and missed the chance to hang out with you,” The girl responded.

A small blush appeared on the male’s face and he giggled. “That’s very sweet bu-“ He was about to say but was silenced by the girl. “That was very sweet but we could’ve done this later on or tomorrow. Well, sorry to break it to you, Love. But, we are here,” She said as she pulled the male inside the fast food chain. And soon enough, the two got their orders and enjoyed their meal. “I don’t know why but this hits different,” Kay said as she eat a French fry. “It really does. Especially since you are here,” Sugawara stated as he patted her head. Now, she was the one blushing. As the two chatted, the other customers and staff glanced at them every now and then. None of them were annoyed at their interactions. On the contrary, they enjoyed watching them,

Some felt envious of their relationship. Some dreamt to have something like that. And others remembered the times of old. The two were so sweet, it’s almost too much. Laughter and chattering echoed through the building from both the couple and the people around them. Then they were dub the “3 am couple” as the two would often venture in that restaurant at 3 am in the morning.

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Author's note

I'm so so sorry for the long wait! This week has been hectic. Anywho, I hope you enjoy this matchup~ and thanks for requesting!

[justinsdaysinthedark]

Post # 6 - It is what it is

I'd be lying if I said I haven't spent the past half an hour with tears flowing from my eyes staring at a blank screen wondering how I'm going to get everything I've got floating in my head out. I suppose listening to Coldplay live in Argentina probably wasn't the best choice of music to set the mood. I'll work on that one in the future...

Where do I start? It's been a question I'm often asking myself at the start of these blog posts and it's certainly not the easiest one. What do you guys know? There's been so much happen since my last post on Thursday night.

Friday July 26th: I saw my doctors around lunchtime who came in quite concerned. Whilst they were confident my lymphoma was one called DLBCL (Diffuse Large B- Cell Lymphoma), some tests had come back with suspect results that it could be a more aggressive and harsh type of lymphoma called Burkitt's lymphoma and if confirmed, chemo was starting that night with no time to waste. There was also one marked in the middle (a cross of the two) called Burkitt's Like Lymphoma which is treated similarly to DLBCL. Whatever it was, I couldn't change it. I just wanted answers and if treatment needed to start, let's get it underway!

Adam, my incredible haematology doctor sent off another test of my gall bladder to finally get the confirmation I was after. It was urgent. He had to know. It was reassuring of Adam to state "Justin, we need to know what this is. Preliminary results are due back later this afternoon and that will hopefully rule out Burkitt's. if it is Burkitt's, we'll start chemo tonight and I'll be with you every step of the way - even if I have to stay back a few hours."

I know doctors earn a fair coin on a lazy day, but how many give you that much confidence that you and your health is important to them? I'm going to have it a guess and say not many but alas, I am so incredibly lucky with the team of doctors I have.

4:00pm and Adam strolls in the door heading straight for my room. My heart drops, similarly to what it had when Michael dropped the news I had lymphoma. "Good news. Preliminary results are back and we're confident it's not Burkitt's. You can't rule out anything in life, so there still is a small chance it could be. We're happy to wait for the final results on Monday, figure out a treatment plan from there and start Chemotherapy next week. Spend Saturday and Sunday on day leave and I'll see you next week."

This was news to my ears. In a time of what has been negative or no news, I could spend the weekend with family relatively freely and forget everything was happening for a few hours each day. My Uncle Bob and Aunty Denise were down from Tasmania to see me, as was my Aunty AJ and cousins from Bairnsdale so it all felt like it fit into place.

Friday night saw me considerably more relaxed with this news...that was until Collingwood started and it was the demolition it was. Slightly humorous side note, the nurse came in around 9pm for my nightly observations. Naturally, my heart rate was up a bit more than normal watching the football (118BPM - normally between 70-85BPM). This caused the nurse to call in the team of doctors who wanted to put me on an ECG machine for the night and monitor my heart. I assured them it was because Collingwood were on and if they gave me an hour, I'd be okay. It took some convincing, but it finally worked. Back they came an hour later and it had gone down - crisis averted.

Saturday afternoon and evening was wonderful. I went down to dads for dinner and was fortunate enough to spend some much needed time with family over a beautiful dinner and good laugh.

Sunday was much the same. I went home, mum did a fair chunk of washing for me as I spent it being me. Seeing Courtney, napping in my own bed and even headed over to Fountain Gate and got some much needed new clothes and other miscellaneous items - something that seems so simple but is such a luxury when you've spent the past 15 days in hospital.

Monday July 29th: They say the more you think positively, the more positive news you shall receive....or it goes something like that right? I woke up this morning the most upbeat and best I'd felt in weeks. I felt fine. I felt no pain, almost like I'd woken up from a shitty hotel! In all honesty, I felt like I'm abusing the system however I keep being quickly reminded how much I need to be here. Did I wake up so positive because I lived my old life for 16 hours over the weekend? Is it because I was hoping to hear a reasonably positive outcome with this lymphoma test? Probably a mix of both if I'm honest. But whatever it was, I was hopeful.

Adam came around at roughly 10:00am. Didn't really have much for me in terms of news but more of an outline of the day. If they hear the results of the test they were waiting on, they'd write me up a treatment plan ASAP and get chemo started this afternoon. At worst, I'd be starting it tomorrow (Tuesday). They just needed that definitive answer of what type of lymphoma I have - an answer I'd love more than anybody.

Either way, we agreed i'd need a PICC (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter) line in which basically is a long-term cannula. It runs from the inside of my arm right up and around and stops basically just outside my heart. This is for easy access for the chemotherapy and even an easy exit for blood tests - something that's proven incredibly difficult to take from me over the past few days. Additionally, these lines can last up to six months verses the three days you get from a cannula. There were too many positives to say no to!

This wasn't scheduled for any time in particular, so 1:00pm came around and I was about to be taken to get the PICC line in.

Just as I was about to leave, Adam came in with a few words I'm all too familiar with. "Well, the pathology tests we were waiting on have come back inconclusive..."

Woah. Wait. What? How do tests of my gall bladder that was removed six days ago come back inconclusive? How does one of the main sources not have enough 'data' to tell them what sort of lymphoma I have? I was just stunned.

Adam continued "As a result, we can see some signs of Burkitt's lymphoma and that's what we're going to treat you for. You're young. You should be able to handle it and it's better to over treat you than under treat and be stuck where we are at the moment. It's an intense 16-day chemo treatment that will totally wipe out your red and white blood cells as well as your platelets. We foresee you being in here for another 3-5 weeks, depending on how well your body goes getting these levels back up to normal post this first treatment..."

I honestly say this but that's all I remember from this conversation. I was hoping I'd be heading home this week but looks like that definitely won't be happening. Today marks day 40 of the past 55 days in hospital (day 15 of this stint) and if I go off the longest suggested time expected, I have another 35 days to go. That honestly crushed me.

I got taken down to get my PICC line in - quite an easy process. Very similar to putting in a larger cannula, just a whole lot longer and uses local anaesthetic as well as being guided by an ultrasound and X-ray. I'm lucky enough to have two ports, which will hopefully speed up some of my medication and how much they can pump in. Does it feel weird? The only weird part was feeling it slide down past and near my heart - but that's okay now!

By the time I return, dad made his was in to try and help process the news. We get Adam in to once again explain the process. In layman's terms, I'll be starting an intense and high-dose 16-day chemotherapy program kicking off tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. Most of the time across the next 16 days, I'll be hooked up via IV drip getting whatever medication is required. I think I saw I have rest days on days 7 & 8 which I suppose will give me two days to look forward to. At the end of the day, it's something I'm not certain on and will be a day by day process and constant learning about what's going into my body to help fight with me.

I do have one request for you all. With my body not producing red or white blood cells or platelets over the next few weeks, I do request if you are planning to visit however are sick to stay away those extra few days. With my immune system going to be at the lowest it's been, I don't particularly want to pick up something I don't need. Additionally, as much as I'd love flowers, they're also banned due to the infection risk of the spores mixing with the chemotherapy and causing some dangerous damage from the inside.

At the end of the day, if you're not sure please message me and check as I'm not entirely sure myself about everything. I'm constantly learning as I'm going.

How am I feeling? I'm nervous. I'm nervous at the unknown. How will this affect me? How bad am I going to feel? Will I lose my hair? What will my energy levels be like? In advance, I do apologise if over the next few weeks I'm not myself. Truth be told, that's because I probably won't be.

In a way, i'm finally excited to start my treatment first thing tomorrow morning (after yet ANOTHER lumbar puncture). I was so envious of both people next to me getting their first rounds of chemo today. I know mine will be intense but I just can't wait.

I've learnt so much about cancer and chemotherapy over the past four days and I know there's so much more to learn. Today I learnt I'll be incredibly highly cytotoxic, which basically means all needles and anything used on me need to go in a separate bin just for me. Additionally, I'll have to get used to the good old double flush after the toilet to ensure all waste is disposed of. Mouth ulcers are a big issue with most chemo patients as well. I'll have to start brushing my teeth after every meal and taking a special mouthwash 3x daily to assist with keeping these under control. There's plenty of other little things, but they're two I least expected.

Everything really hit me last night....not like it did tonight though. I just had twenty minutes to reflect and it just became a sudden realisation. What I'm going through is real. It's not a 'joke' anymore. It's not something they're looking at as a potential cause. It is the cause. I have a legitimate medical issue and it's finally time to fight lymphoma. All well and good to be talking the talk like I have been - it's now time to walk the walk. This sits well with me. If I give somebody my word, I do whatever I can to get it achieved. Unfortunately for the lymphoma throughout my body I've given it my word and it's time to fight it. Round one begins tomorrow morning.

I leave tonight feeling a whole lot better than I did when I started tonight's post. I didn't learn from my words earlier as Coldplay live from Argentina is still playing however I'm in a much more comfortable mind space.

My best friend of a lazy 20 years, Dylan visited tonight with his partner, Jacqui. One phrase popped up more than most and they made me aware it was a common phrase coming out of my mouth.

"It is what it is."

I can't control what's happened to me as "it is what it is." What I can control from here though is how I fight lymphoma. Thanks for the visit tonight guys, I appreciated the two hours spent here in what's been an incredibly tough afternoon.

Much love.

Juzz xx