#like a mix between be my favorite and triage

[stormyoceans]

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE PERSON IM GONNA BECOME WHEN THIS PHOTOSHOOT COMES OUT

[respectthepetty]

Well well well well!

I have seen you being asked about your fav TW BL dramas. but I’m here to ask about…… your top 10 (or however many you want tbh) BL thai dramas!

Teeheeheeee!!

Ps: can someone else pop up and then ask you too Korean BL dramas? *wink*

Anon, I think YOU will have to come back and ask about my top Korean dramas because after people see this list, they will realize how trashy I truly am and never seek a response from me again. I've already written about my Top GMMTV Actors, my Top GMMTV Pairs, and my Top Five Taiwanese BLs, but this requested list will really show people that I am a dumpster fire, so let me present my

Top Ten Thai BLs

Before I start, I need to list my personal preferences since I have watched over 150 Thai BLs (if not 200), with a third coming from within the past year and a half alone. A show must meet at least two:

Don't bury the gay (MANDATORY!)

Be gay. Do crime! aka "Eff the police" (literally or figuratively)

I'm a messy bi, and I'll cry if I want to

Adulting is hard like my sexual attraction for you

Vice Vers(a) - Flipping the norms and changing dynamics

Next, I need to establish some ground rules:

The series must have completed prior to June 1, so Step by Step, Be My Favorite, La Pluie and other running shows cannot be considered.

It had to be marketed as a BL, so 3 Will Be Free, The Warp Effect, and Great Men Academy cannot be considered.

I could only pick a pair once, so most of GMMTV shows couldn't be considered if I picked another show the pair was featured in.

It couldn't have hurt my queer feelings, so My Only 12%, Until We Meet Again, I Told Sunset about You, and 180 Degree Longitude Passes through Us were cut for rubbing salt in real-world wounds.

A third of the final list had to be BL shows that aired prior to 2022.

Narrowing it down with those two filters, here are a dozen shows that didn't make the cut with a brief reasoning:

The Eclipse - pair already picked

Triage - the gay died each time the clock reset

Ghost Host, Ghost House - not within my personal preferences

Never Let Me Go - aired in 2022. Sorry Jojo!

My School President - pair already picked

Secret Crush on You - aired in 2022

Bad Buddy - it knows what it did to me

Together with Me - pair already picked

Lovely Writer - not within my personal preferences

A Tale of Thousand Stars - pair already picked

Between Us - it knows what it did to me

My Ride - not within my personal preferences

One more thing before I give you the list -

Honorable Mentions

To Sir, With Love

I was raised on soap operas and telenovelas, so this lakorn was seventeen episodes of blissful drama, yet served one of the best pairings and family members of 2022. It was also a historical drama, so the ending being happy was unexpected, but much appreciated.

Destiny Seeker

All the shows on my list have color coding, but this show wins every color-coding award I can give. As a self-proclaimed color demon, this show fed my soul and my heart with its color exchange between two great characters who were just trying to unify the Pretty Boys and the Jocks in a tale as old as time, yet more colorful than ever.

Now, the actual list

Top Ten Thai BLs

#10 - Dark Blue Kiss

Pete and Kao went from a bit toxic in This Kiss series, to a solid couple trying to navigate the difficult situation of having one person in a relationship still in the closet. The reason was realistic as well - career. Kao coming out could have not only hurt his future, but his mother's job as well, and the socioeconomic difference between Pete and Kao was front and center during these discussions. Mix all of that with the addition of Sun and Mork and their dynamic of light enemies to lovers, and this ended up being a surprise favorite. It also had beautiful cinematography at a period when the production value of BLs was being elevated which is greatly due to director/screenwriter Aof and cinematographer Rath.

#9 - Big Dragon

If someone would have told me during the first episode that I would like love this show as much as I did by the end, I would not have believed it, but here I am, in love with this show. It started off with two idiots being at their peak toxic level, yet ended with the softest men in love. The cinematography was beautiful, Mangkorn and Yai had a natural chemistry when teasing each other, and the music was good, so good that I actually listened to the lead sing his love confession…twice! Mos and ISBANKY made me excited to see what else Star Hunter has in store, and that was a door I had closed long ago. Big Dragon 2 when?

#8 - Bed Friend

Much like Big Dragon, I showed up for a raunchy series about fuck buddies, but ended up witnessing two men work through trauma and showed that with support, healing is possible. King was the biggest green flag that has ever graced my screen, and the way Net's big brown eyes portray lust, love, and devotion is a skill that only matches James' embodiment of a sex kitten. I watched them in Catch Me Baby, but Bed Friend brought an entire new level of chemistry from them that balanced the heavier aspects of the show in a way that any other pair would have squandered. Because of NetJames, this show will remain in my tops for years to come, and makes me even more excited for Love Upon a Time.

#7 - You're My Sky

We, collectively, did this show dirty. As BL fans, we did not appreciate it enough, and still don't. Because it came out in 2022, a year stacked with excellent BLs, it was pushed to the sidelines when it should have been at everyone's top for any number of reasons like the pairings were solid (childhood friends, senior/freshman, pseudo-enemies to lovers), the plot was consistent, and the cinematography was beautiful. We have a few sports-related BLs which do a great job of discussing the connection between toxic masculinity and male-dominated sports, and although this series didn't lean all the way in, it gave us a glimpse of what men must sacrifice in order to be considered the best in such an environment, especially when it comes to love.

#6 - Not Me

Every character is shippable with every other character. That is the power of this series. Yet, because I’m petty, I’m still holding a grudge not about GramBlack (Eugene/Gene, really?!) BUT that ToddBlack did not happen! In a show that was queer in several aspects (marriage equality, society’s disapproval, found family, etc.), it was strange that it didn’t deliver on the Black front examining how power dynamics, socioeconomic inequality in regards to privilege, and performance of masculinity affect queer experiences (all possessed by the ToddBlack pairing), but what it did deliver was a great premise about fighting back against oppression (labor discrimination, educational gaps, monopolies), which is why even though the ending was shaky, it still deserves a top spot for existing.

#5 - KinnPorsche

As much as I wrote about this show, I’m shocked it isn’t #1, but sitting through the final episode’s credits believing what I believed about Vegas left me feeling a certain type of way that I’m still not over. It had all the elements I love: Be gay, do crime, messy tears, vice vers(a), and the cinematography was perfection. Symbolism and foreshadowing were intertwined into every scene, so watching each episode was an experience and the aftermath was devouring hours of meta analysis. This was the first series I was excited to watch live unmuted and at normal speed, and I liked each pairing, plus rooted for others who were never going to happen (Big & Chan, Khun & everyone), which made this a fun journey even after the final credits finished (World Tour, anyone?!).

#4 - Love Mechanics

I LOVE MESS, and this show gave me ten glorious messy episodes of the messiest mess. Much like the chokeholds VeeMark excelled out, this show had me by the throat (implication intended). I was shocked when it was announced En of Love: Love Mechanics would be remade and extended from four episodes into ten. I liked the original, but the basic plot (drunkenly having sex right at the beginning – how very Together with Me of them) did not sit well with me the first time around, yet once I saw the remake’s trailer, I WAS SOLD! Look at the angst! Look at the pining! Look at the chemistry! Look at the same steps and dorm from Together with Me! I could write forever about this show because it is better than the original, it was so similar to Together with Me that I had to squint to make sure it wasn’t, and the happy ending with Mark’s tears, although never doubted, feels like a personal win, which is why it was my number one of 2022.

#3 - Manner of Death

MaxTul own me. Every couple I watch gets compared to MaxTul and the chemistry they bring. Together With Me is a favorite, but when Manner of Death aired, it spotlighted the evolution of MaxTul in the most beautiful way imaginable. The dark plot of drug and sex trafficking was difficult for most, but both of these characters' commitment to finding the truth in their own way while taking on the ACAB attitude even towards the one police officer they did like was a buffet that just kept serving me. I was truly worried because of the nature of the show that a happy ending wouldn't be possible, but not only did the show end with vows being exchanged, but the promise of another season as well. TRANSPLANT WHEN?!

#2 - Moonlight Chicken

This was an adult show and toes the line of being truly queer media rather than a standard BL. I felt seen every time Jim sat silently examining his life and his choices. His hesitation to open his heart again to another person after being hurt in such a realistically queer way in a country that doesn't have marriage equality almost made me cut this show due to hurting my queer feelings. However, if I was willing to give up three pairs (FirstKhao -The Eclipse, GeminiFourth - My School President, and EarthMix - A Tale of Thousand Stars) for this one show, I knew it had to included. Aof working around the grief of losing a parent while examining gentrification and generational trauma all through a queer lens is a feat most would fail at, but this show shines, literally and figuratively thanks once again to cinematographer Rath.

#1 - He's Coming to Me

I must end where I began - Aof, the director and screenwriter, changed the Thai BL game with this one, and hasn't slowed down since, which is why two of his other pieces are in my top ten, and several others are featured in my short list. Cinematographer Rath has also made his mark on this list, and it all started with this one for me. No other BL series has stuck with me the way He's Coming to Me has. Not one element of this show doesn't work. It's cohesive. It's emotional. It's everything to me. I cannot give this show enough praise. It created a unique magic in eight episodes that hasn't left my heart for four years.

And probably never will.

Now, who wants to ask about Korea?

[fiercynn]

so @manogirl, @inventedfangirling, and @sharingfandoms all tagged me in the thai ql favorites tag game (thanks friends!), and i wasn't sure if i had enough to say about shows other than bad buddy to do it, but i figure you can't ever talk about bbs too much amirite

favorite thai ql: yeah so it's bad buddy, surprise surprise. i watched it all in the course of like 36 hours in february 2022, not long after it had ended, and it has been thoroughly stuck in my soul ever since. i've watched it so many times and in so many pieces that i couldn't even guess at a number. i've posted...uh...200k words of bad buddy fic in the past year and half? the obsession is real. it's just such a perfect mix of antagonistic and silly and tense and sweet and heartbreaking and healing that i keep going back to it over over. i love its narrative arc, and i love its little details, and i love all the ways we get to keep reinterpreting it over and over in fanworks. and i love the people i've met in the fandom, which is really hard to separate from the show! i've made really close and awesome friends here, which seems extremely fitting tbh. so yeah anyway i like that show a lot

favorite pairing: seems obvious given my previous answer, but patpran, followed closely by inkpa! idk i just think they're both neat and extremely in love

most underrated actor: JENNIE PANHAN I NEED HER IN EVERYTHING OKAY

favorite character: parakul siridechawat. he's just so in love you guys, even when (he thinks) it's hopeless. i love a character who pines. my sexuality is pining actually and pran's might be too (jk i love pran for many many many reasons but this is the one i felt like talking about today)

favorite side character: i think it has to be a tie between mae from 3wbf and longtae from a tale of thousand stars...two very different characters! i love mae in all her complexity, her efforts to be good and kind and empathetic that are interrupted by the death of the one person who was good and kind and empathetic towards her, and her search for revenge once he's gone, and then her ultimate realization that she needs to stop the cycle of violence even if it takes one more act of violence herself. meanwhile i love longtae because he is sweet and funny and adorable and such a good friend to literally everyone in pha phun dao and also it's khao, how could i not?

favorite scene in a ql: so if i type the letter "y" in my browser, the first search result is the youtube link to bad buddy episode 5 part 4/4. does that answer your question

favorite line in a ql: i thought i was going to struggle with this one but it came to me instantly: uncle tong from bad buddy saying, "you might think one man can't change the world. but i want you to know that this world can't change someone like me either." have i mentioned i am both queer and work in climate activism for a living

most anticipated ql (& why): 23.5 degrees the series!!!! i was already one million percent there for milklove but the recent confirmation of viewjune is just like the icingest of icing on the cake. i'm so fucking stoked you guys

i'm sorry i'm not going to answer the question on guilty pleasure series because like @manogirl i do not believe in the concept, nor the ones on healthiest vs. toxic relationships because i simply do not feel like it <3

most underrated series: hmm, most of the thai ql series i've seen are too well-known/watched to count for this. like would we call gap the series underrated? probably not, right? maybe...triage? but i personally felt like triage got pretty uneven in the second half...idk this is the problem with having mostly stuck to gmmtv huh

i really have not kept good track of who has done this meme already so ummmm @citystoryscapes @mahuhumaling @melto @mousieta @incandescentflower @galauvant @dancing-out-in-space

[prisoner-000]

Which trial's song from each prisoner is the better one?

Fun thing I thought I'd ask myself. Since most song vs. song debates come down to character preference how about we just pit one character's songs against each other? Tee hee.

Haruka - All-Knowing and All-Agony is my pick. The piano melody in the background is honestly just breathtaking. As much as I overall like Weakness' guitar and harmonies, i think AKAA is overall the better product.

Yuno - Tear Drop. The chorus just absolutely bangs and the synths are so good. This is a very slight win because honestly Umbilical is kind of on the same level in my mind - they're both similar in the vibes department, but have different strengths. I also have to give props for being the longest T2 song by far.

Fuuta - Backdraft. I'm pretty neutral on Fuuta as a character which makes me not listen to his songs quite as much... Extremely slight win, 'cause I like it's consistent level of energy. Ask me tomorrow and I'll probably say Bring It On (the last chorus especially is so damn good). Fuuta's CV's voice is an absolute treat.

Muu - After Pain. I was obsessed with this song when I first got into Milgram and still kind of am. It just sounds so uniquely 'lonely', conceptually extremely sad and yet somehow cheerful. It fits Muu's character really well. I also love INMF for it's isolated vocal moments where Muu's CV can really bring her all into it, but overall, this is my pick.

Shidou - Triage. I've never liked Throw Down all that much because it's always sounded almost Too normal and neutral to my ears. Triage has this soft melancholy in its instrumental and somber vocals during the verses. And also, that final chorus... OUGH. I can see why someone would prefer Throw Down, though.

Mahiru - I Love You. I really like how this song played with everyone's expectations when the previews came out. Mahiru rapping is so fun and really works compared to the cutesy idol-like chorus. The lines before the final chorus and the double-voiced rap part leading up to it is also fantastic. TIHTBILWY has instruments I like a bit more, but kind of suffers in the interesting concept department IMO.

Kazui - half. Gonna be a contrarian here, but this song has always been one of my favorites. It's very unique in Milgram's selection of songs with its slow, soft melody and almost minimalistic instrumental compared to the others. It sounds sad, Kazui's CV is so soft with his voice and yet expressive. Besides, it's a song about unrequited love. This was made specifically for me I feel. Cat is also really, REALLY good, i love Cat, but. Half. !!!!!!!!!!! I blow up

Amane - PURGE MARCH. DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF. I like Magic, but it pales in comparison to this song's mixing, its chanting, its concept, its MV.. GAHH!!! THE AMEN BREAK?????? The verse repeating the 'commandments' over Amane's singing? What else do you want me to say. This is a banger.

Mikoto - MeMe. Harder metal instrumental = me likey. The chorus is gorgeous, and the back-and-forth between the two styles is especially great. I prefer Mikoto's CV's voice in Double, but I can't say I prefer Double because it's just too damn short, not to mention it only being 2 verses and 2 choruses with a long speech break. I love Double, I really do (also because a piano is always good), but... MeMe has the tightest grip on me.

Kotoko - Deep Cover. I've never been the biggest fan of Harrow. I love Deep Cover's gimmick of counting the prisoners and the Undercover mirroring, plus it has Double's appeal with the bridge before the chorus sounding angelic. I wouldn't say I love it, but it's really good.

And . yup. Umm. Feel free to do this too if you'd like and you can fight me on my opinions i am objectively right always. Forever. Btw. Farewell

[littleragondin]

Thai BL Favorite List

I have been tagged by @troubled-mind thank you so much!

Credit to @thatgirl4815 for the original.

Favorite Thai BL:

Until We Meet Again. I have seen my fair share of BL now, especially Thai, but somehow, I always come back to this one. I think it just packs up SO many things I love. Soulmates, sure, but also great friendships, two very different romantic dynamics I both really enjoy, tragedy but with the hope and reassurance that things actually do get better, and maybe most of all incredible family and siblings’ history and relationships. I love the story, the way it’s told and the time it takes to weave itself, I love the characters and the cast, how it looks and the music. I have seen it a few times now and it still has the same grip on my heart than when I first watched it week after week when it came out.

Favorite Pairing:

While I don’t really like the concept of fixed pairing (let actors mix up! Surprise me! Make me fall in love with improbable pairs!), I’d lie if I say there are no actor duo I really enjoy seeing together so. I will say that I am very fond of and happy to get to see JamFilm again and will 100% track whatever they do together after that if it ever happens.

And there is something I find especially adorable in JoongDunk, I have to say (don’t ask me to explain, just cute).

Most underrated actor:

I pondered over that one for a long time, as there are many actors I’d love to see more recognized and all. But I will go with Big Thanakorn. I greatly enjoyed him in everything I have seen him in, and at this point I really would like a nice main role for him (where he f i n a l l y get the goddamn boy please and thank you).

(*whispers* also please look at him)

Favorite Character:

Just… just one? Do you also want me to pick a single child to save? CRUEL. PITILESS. (ಡ‸ಡ)

Okay, okay, OKAY. Probably the hardest one of the whole bunch because my heart is huge and houses many m a n y characters whom I love dearly. But I think if I had to pick only one, I would go with In Chatpokin from UWMA. He is so bright and so brave, he loves so much and so sincerely, and he is so tragically young. He's flawed, in the way humans and young people are, but he's just.. he feels like someone I would also love in real life, and I do think he is fantastic as a character. So, yeah, I'd pick In.

 Favorite Side Character:

Once again after long deliberation etc etc... I will go with Rit from Triage. I was so incredibly invested in his survival and happiness it was borderline ridiculous. He was sweet and tragic and deserved so much better than the cards he had been handed at the start! I could have handled any end where he was doing ok that's how much i loved him (tho to be fair all the secondary characters in that show were great). Could not find a gif so have a still for him!

Favorite Scene in a BL:

That one is subject to change as often as the weather because I am a fickle beast, but brain provided the 'morning after' scene from Ghost Host, Ghost House. The quiet normalcy of it, the way they laugh and smile at each other, I really adored that scene.

Favorite Line in a BL:

I have a terrible memory and I can't really remember a lot of exact lines from the BL I have seen. EXCEPT I actually know a lot of lines from "To Sir, With Love" which must means something (it means i have khun chai brain rot, mainly) so that's where my pick will come from. And I think, both because of what it says about the character and his struggles and desires, and the way it is delivered (which always breaks my heart) it has to be:

"So my mother had to keep the secret that I like men. If everyone knows, the Song family will be ruined because of me. I don’t want to be the head of the association. I never wanted to. I just want to be me."

(not the scene I'm quoting but the emotion is The SameTM)

Most Anticipated BL (and why):

Right now I think it has to be a tie between I Feel You Linger in the Air (time travel! Costume drama! Pain! Women in love! Also excited to see more of Nonkul whose cameo in “Oh No! Here Comes Trouble” I really enjoyed)

and The Whisperer (horror! Fluke with long hair! Murder and mystery! Blood! Horror again! Did I mention Fluke with long hair?!).

Healthiest Relationship in BL:

We are getting more and more of those, aren't we? Making the choice more difficult but for once, a nice problem to have I'd say. I have seen some excellent choices but I think I will go with all the relationships in Secret Crush on You. Intouch and Daisy are OBVIOUS in how respectful and adorable they are, SkyJao make an excellent show of being respectful of your partner's desires and boundaries as well as the importance of being open about your vulnerability, and even TohNueah ok? Yes, yes they both are SUPER weird and borderline (to straight up) creepy BUT they learn to talk it out and to compromise so they can harmonize their weirdness into something that is respectful of the other. I'll pick the rainbow babies.

Most Toxic Relationship in BL:

I mean, I saw TT so … But ignoring this one, my mind immediately went to Mork/Pi from FUTS. As much as I wanted to like it, I just think that between the manipulation and the way it always follow the 'Mork insists it's best and Pi yields despite his objections and discomfort' formula, this is a recipe for disaster. (also I love Pi SO DAMN MUCH and I just want to pluck him out of there)

Guilty Pleasure Series:

I try to not feel guilty about things I enjoy, especially not on there. But if it's something I would not necessarily recommend when I want to look like I have refined tastes... I'd pick Rakdiao I think. It's a sitcom with all the genre imply from the humor to the taped laughs and over played reactions but I loved it! It's super silly and the characters are a bit cartoonish, but it's pretty and fun and when it picks up the relationship between Rak and Diao is actually really nice. And there are some genuine moments of really well acted emotions that I love replaying (Rak's realization that he loved Diao? ART)

Most Underrated Series:

So many of them! I’m so happy to see “He’s Coming to Me” second rising because it’s deserved, I do hope Suar’s success in La Pluie will lead people to give “You’re My Sky” a chance (because it’s great and so so SO pretty), and I hope people will watch “To Sir, with love” for more JamFilm post Laws of Attraction. But for this one I will pick two other shows (I know I know) that I feel deserve to have more people give it a chance (and that will feed into my ‘a sad story is not a bad story’ agenda).

First is “The Miracle of Teddy Bear”. It took me some time before I started this one because the echo I heard about it were so negative it kind of turned me off. And I think it’s a tragedy! Not only because I loved it (which I obviously did), but also because it has an extremely talented cast, it had so much to say about so many important things, while being very honest all along about the story it was telling. I think it’s underappreciated mostly because people wanted another story told (I know some people said the ending came out of nowhere and like… I could not disagree harder! It was the natural conclusion to that story!) and because I think Nut is an incredibly misunderstood character (I loved him beyond words, and he made me think so much of when @bengiyo said “y’all don’t like gay men when we’re not pretty, funny, sexy, or entertaining” because yes, most of the time he really is none of those things, he’s hurt and angry and he has ugly reactions and MAN I felt SO much for him). I mean sure, be aware that it’s not just a fluffy comedy before you get into it, and it has its flaws too, but I think it told a beautiful story that had a lot of heart in it – and for that it does deserve more chance, and if you were toying with the idea of watching this one, consider this your sign to actually try it!  

Second, I will say “Something in My Room”. I really enjoyed that one, not only because I have a soft spot for ghosts (tho if you follow me, you know I do), but because I thought it had a pretty solid story in there, and once again it’s a story that stayed true to what it was telling. It’s necessary to watch the uncut version (the cut one is apparently taking off huge plot-central moments), but I think it deserved more attention than it got. The cast is really good once again, it has a lot of fantastic and complex female characters, I think Nut Supanut was an absolute DELIGHT in this one (with an adorable smile), and while it sometimes wavers a little on some of the things it touches upon, generally speaking it was a solid little show (I especially liked the theater show, and everything with Big’s character alien metaphor). (also it has Big in glasses and that HAS to count for something)

+BONUS

Favorite Setting/Location:

Look, listen, listen. Give me an aquarium, ok? You can NEVER go wrong with an aquarium, there is something about the light in those either it’s blue, green, or slightly purple, about the overwhelming immensity of all that water while you’re safe behind the glass, about the pretty fishes… I do adore an aquarium. Peak romance peak colors peak location.

I know most everyone has done it, and I may tag people who already answered (if so please forgive me) but maybe @petrichoraline @benkaaoi, @silverquillsideas @nonkul and @heretherebedork if you felt like it?

[yakdee]

NAVIGATION

Welcome to the organized chaos :D You’ll find a little bit of everything here, but mostly queer media, kpop & dramas. Remember, I said organized chaos — so I can’t promise things won’t get a little messy. 

My Content — click here for my tags

Gifs 

Collections: (1) Don't mind me … (2) Favorite kiss scenes (3) Parallels & tropes

Ramblings

Commentary

Meta

General Tags 

About Me — things that are deeply relatable

Notes to Self

Faves

Words — quotes, poetry, prose etc.

Art // Fanart

Miscellaneous

The fandom shenanigans start below the cut — only my absolute faves are listed. Everything is organized in alphabetical order and all visual media are categorized by language/region.

This is a living post; last updated 07.10.24

Kpop etc. 

Artists whose music I follow closely enough to consider myself a fan — a stan for names italics. I sometimes use kpop, khiphop & krnb as general tags.

Big Bang

BTS

DPR IAN

Jackson Wang

Wonho

SHINee

TXT

Zion.T

Series, Dramas & TV Shows 

Chinese

Like Love

The Untamed

Guardian

Gym Affairs

Word of Honor

Filipino

Gameboys // Gameboys 2

Like in the Movies

MyDay

Japanese

Cherry Magic

Life: Love on the Line

Minato’s Laundromat

Mood Indigo

Mr. Unlucky Has No Choice but to Kiss!

My Beautiful Man

My Love Mix-Up

Old Fashion Cupcake

Senpai, This Can’t Be Love!

The Novelist

Korean

I use kdrama as a general tag

Alchemy of Souls

Beyond Evil

Blueming

Extraordinary Attorney Woo

Long Time No See

My Name

Semantic Error

The Devil Judge

The Glory

To My Star // To My Star 2

Tomorrow

Where Your Eyes Linger

Taiwanese

Addicted Heroin

Be Loved in House: I Do

Kiseki: Dear to Me

History: Make Our Days Count

History: Obsessed

History: Trapped

Plus & Minus

See You After Quarantine?

We Best Love

Thai

A Tale of Thousand Stars

Bad Buddy

Between Us

Cutie Pie // Cutie Pie 2 You

Friendzone

KinnPorsche

Love By Chance

Love in the Air

Love Sea

Manner of Death

My Love Mix-Up!

My School President

My Stand-in

Not Me

Pit Babe

Second Chance

The Rebound

The Sign

Triage

Until We Meet Again

Vice Versa

Why R U?

Western

Black Mirror

Bridgerton

Criminal Minds

Game of Thrones

Heartstopper

Scandal

Sense8

Stranger Things

S.W.A.T.

The Sandman

The Witcher

Young Royals

911 // 911: Lonestar

Movies & Short Films 

Chinese

I Love You as a Man

Nobody Knows But Me

Korean

Private Lessons

Secret Roommate

Japanese

His: The Movie

The Cornered Mouse Dreams of Cheese

Spanish

Trémulo

[abarbaricyalp]

prompt idea - sam/steve/bucky

bucky and steve start calling sam by 40s pet names as a joke but sam discovers he actually likes it but doesn’t know how to tell them.

Hello! Sorry this took so long (vampire anon, that's also taking so long but it is also being so long. I haven't forgotten about it. I just love vampires)

Read on AO3 under the same title by ElisabethMonroe

An Incomplete Dream

As with all things that vexed him, Sam Wilson’s newest problem was started by Bucky Barnes.

“Stevie, don’t he look like the most perfect picture of angelface?” Bucky asked, turning away from Sam, though his metal fingers didn’t loosen around Sam’s wrists, which he was holding over Sam’s head.

Steve looked over his shoulder with a wide grin, even without having to look at Sam. “He sure does, Buck,” he agreed and finished pulling his shirt off over his head.

“Angelface?” Sam asked, just to antagonize Bucky.

Bucky shifted over Sam, ground his thigh a little closer to Sam’s groin. Never close enough to give any real friction, just the teasing promise of more to come. It was about the only time Bucky had any self control, when Steve was around to tell them not to have too much fun without him. And Steve, unfortunately, managed to have the patience of a fucking saint when it meant it got Sam and Bucky harder than sin.

“Yeah, doll,” Bucky purred, dropped his face to Sam’s neck to trail his mouth along his skin. Sam would pretend like that was what had his legs falling open. The kissing and not the words. “Means you look like somethin’ Heaven sent.”

“That’s heavy,” Steve said, reappearing from the bathroom in briefs that Sam was pretty sure he’d bought him. Or maybe they were just Sam’s. “But not wrong,” he added as he climbed into the bed and straddled Sam’s hips. Bucky shifted too, staying out of Steve’s way but continuing to hold Sam’s wrists down. Sam pouted up at him. Bucky ignored him and leaned over to kiss Steve instead.

“How ‘bout you give your angel something to work with?” Sam suggested eventually, pouting out his lower lip again. Steve leaned down to kiss it away.

“Good morning, dollface,” Bucky greeted the next morning. Steve looked up from his newspaper with a fond grin. Sam tilted his head to offer his cheek for their mandatory morning kisses. Bucky skipped his cheek and went for his neck, an arm draping over Sam’s shoulder to run his hand down Sam’s bare chest.

“You haven’t said dollface in a while,” Steve said and brought his coffee up to his lips.

“You ain’t got one no more,” Bucky said. Sam could feel him look up from his nook in Sam’s neck and Sam could only imagine the look he was throwing Steve.

“What happened to angelface?” Sam asked.

“Liked that one, huh?” Bucky said. He kissed Sam’s cheek and went off in search of breakfast.

“They’re all corny,” Sam said. It wasn’t really a lie. They were corny. He was allowed to like corny things.

Steve hooked his foot on the back of Sam’s ankle and it took all Sam had not to visibly react. It was insane that they could still have this effect on him. “Don’t be mean, dollface,” he drolled with the same easy grin he’d shot Bucky.

Sam sprawled over the breakfast bar, cheeks burning. He heard Bucky laugh.

“Steve!” Sam yelped and hurried to the stove to get a pot off the burner before all the water boiled over. “I gave you one job.”

Steve looked sheepish and he shrugged helplessly as he gestured to a bowl he was mixing some kind of cake batter in. “It was either the noodles or the cake. I know which one Bucky would prefer to get done.”

Sam rolled his eyes and bumped his hip into Steve's as he carried the pot to the sink to drain it. “He may say he wants the cake more, but we both know he puts carbs away like he’ll never eat again.”

For a second, the realization that it may very well be a survival instinct for him settled over the both of them. Then Steve shook his head and crammed himself into the corner, trying and failing very hard to be small.

“Hey, sugar, can you grab me the sugar?” he laughed.

Sam rolled his eyes so hard it hurt. “Corny, Rogers. So damn corny.” But he got the sugar and passed it over. He was not surprised when Steve caught him around the waist, spinning him in a lazy dance even though the oven and stove were both still on and he hadn’t so much as measured out his sugar.

“He's special ration,” Steve sang, twirling them around a kitchen not designed for it. “Funny, he never asks for my money. All that I give him is honey. And that he can spend any time.”

Sam looked up when the door opened, but Steve didn’t even stumble, so Sam got Bucky’s bemused expression all to himself.

“I'd make a million trips to his lips, if I were a bee. Because he's sweeter than chocolate candy to me. He's confectionery, that sugar baby of mine.”

“It’s my birthday but you’re serenading him?” Bucky asked, cutting in between them to wrap his arms around Sam’s waist, picking up on the dance like he’d started it.

“You don’t call me dollface anymore,” Steve said with a shrug. He turned back to his cake and Sam dropped his face to Bucky’s shoulder. They swayed slightly, taking small steps now and again, pasta forgotten for now.

“Yeah, Sam’s my new dollface and he gets to give me my gift first.”

“Do I, now? And you know what that gift is, I’m assuming.”

“Sure I do,” Bucky said. He reached for a red bow that had been left on the breakfast bar and smacked it onto Sam’s shoulder. Sam was just about to make a joke when Bucky peeled it off and put it on the waistband of Sam’s pants instead. “Sounds like you’ve got a little sweetness to spare, sugar,” he purred and pulled him back towards the couch.

Steve could handle pasta and cake at the same time, Sam decided. And if he couldn’t...at least they’d have dessert.

Sam turned over in bed and opened his eyes to find Bucky already looking at him, sleepy and only half awake. One of the best ways for him to be, Sam thought.

“Hey, beautiful,” he said, reaching over to brush a curl back into the mop on Bucky’s head.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Bucky murmured back. Sam felt his stomach curl in on itself in elation. It was a little painful, but Sam was realizing most of his reactions to Bucky and Steve were adoration and pain in equal measure sometimes.

“Think Steve’s gonna be out of it all morning?” Sam asked.

Bucky’s mouth curled to the side. “He did take a robot to the side of the head,” he pointed out. “I ain’t seen him bruise like that since he was little.”

Sam grimaced in sympathy for Steve. He had been pretty banged up the night before. He really should’ve been with med, but of course he wasn’t. Of course he was in bed instead, having to sleep with his back to Sam and Bucky because he couldn’t sleep on his right side. Sam shifted over, supporting himself on his elbow, to look over his shoulder at Steve’s sleeping figure.

“The swelling’s already half down,” he said, turning back over in time for Bucky to kiss his forearm. “He better sleep until it’s almost all healed.”

“Hopefully,” Bucky agreed, kissing up his arm to his wrist. “You’re a sweetheart for worrying,” he said pointedly.

“I didn’t argue last time you said it,” Sam laughed softly. He freed his hand from where he’d tucked it under his pillow, and Bucky kissed his palm and then along his fingers.

“I just like saying it. Sweetheart. It was my favorite back in the day.”

“Back when you had game?” Sam asked.

Bucky growled playfully, leaning over to nip at Sam’s lips, sleep still making their movements and words slow and languid. “I’ve got plenty of game. I’ve got the two most beautiful men in the world in my bed every night. But, nah. I never used it on dames. Not like this. This is all yours and Steve’s.”

“Why not?” Sam asked, pushing his fingers through the hair curling around Bucky’s ear.

“‘Cause it’s what Sarah used to call me and Steve. I don’t wanna use it on anyone I don’t fully love,” Bucky said, like it was simple, obvious, not world shattering.

Sam fell into Bucky, kissing him between whispers of sweetheart.

The antiseptic of hospitals always set Sam on edge. When he was thirteen and his grandmother had gotten sick, he’d lost count of the nights he’d spent in hospital rooms and waiting areas. He still clearly remembered a doctor walking into one waiting room to talk to a family near Sam’s. He remembered the blood on the doctor’s pant leg and the sudden rush of mortality that hit him all at once.

Being in pararescue meant he spent a good chunk of his service time in and out of hospitals too. Not necessarily for himself or Riley, though that was a cause too, but just to do his job. Put people in beds, continue field triage, check in on patients who didn’t have anyone else. Even in the desert, that smell filled the air.

Tonight, it creeped beneath his skin too, even though he was half running through the halls, even though there were bandages around his head, even though he was pretty sure he had serious sinus damage under his broken nose. He knew what the hospital smelled like.

The only thing that stopped him was a thick arm around his chest, as gentle as could be given the circumstances, though it still hurt like a bitch. It didn’t stop him grasping for the door handle. “Bucky,” he gasped out, ribs and lung both protesting, fingernails scratching futilely at the arm around him.

“Hang on, Sam. Just wait a second,” Steve said, reaching for his waist instead of his chest with a muttered apology. Sam couldn’t remember reacting, giving himself away. Maybe Steve had just gotten his med eval.

“I need to see him. They wouldn’t say anything. I had him, I was holding him,” he insisted. “I didn’t drop him.”

“Sam,” Steve breathed and finally managed to turn Sam’s wild eyes from the door to his own face. “Do you have a concussion?” Probably, but Sam didn’t know for sure to say. “You were shot down. You didn’t let go of him.���

Sam blinked up at Steve and it felt like it took ten years. “No. I saw… I saw him fall…”

Steve shook his head, brought his hands up to either side of Sam’s face. When his eyes flickered over Sam’s shoulder, Sam finally clocked all of the doctors in the hall, people saying his name, someone reaching for his arm before Steve shooed them away gently.

“You both fell, Sam. You need to be in a hospital bed too. I can’t believe you’re walking, Jesus.”

“Just me,” Sam said weakly. “I hear the resemblance is uncanny.” It was Bucky’s joke and the fact that he wasn’t here to make it had terror clutching at Sam’s heart again. “Please let me see him. I can’t stand this image in my head.”

Steve’s hands were gentle on his face, but relentless. Sam couldn’t turn back to the door.

“What’s wrong with him? Why aren’t you letting me in? Why aren’t you by his side?” he whimpered, hands coming up to clutch at Steve’s wrists.

“He’s not awake,” Steve said.

“They knocked him out? How?”

Steve’s features seemed to all screw in pain. “No. He was in and out of consciousness himself. He hasn’t woken up since the last time.”

“Oh my God, is he dead?” Sam cried, then swayed on his feet with the sudden cold blood rush.

“No, no, Sam, no. He’s not dead,” Steve assured and pulled Sam into his chest to hug him as tightly as gentleness and care would allow. “He’s just unconscious.”

“Let me in. Let me see him,” Sam said again. “Even if he isn’t awake. I just need--” His face fell to Steve’s shoulder as exhaustion caught up to him.

“Can we get a bed…?” Steve asked quietly like his mouth wasn’t right next to Sam’s head. But maybe he had the right idea because there was an ensuing conversation that Sam missed entirely.

The next time he clocked in, Steve was laying him down in a hospital bed. There was a cloth divider, but Sam knew the sound of Bucky breathing. He was so close. Steve tucked Sam’s arm back under the blanket when Sam reached over.

“Hey, easy, angel. Just try to sleep, okay? They’ll get your IVs reset.”

“I had IVs?” Sam asked and hated how his voice slurred.

“Oh, yeah. You took them all out. Very well, by the way. You’re hardly bleeding.”

Sam had put enough of them into other people, he thought he should know how to get them back out. Even concussed.

“You’re just gonna have to settle for me for now,” Steve said when Sam looked over at Bucky’s side again. He settled in a chair that was too small for him and held onto the hand Sam had freed again, keeping it firmly on the bed.

“I don’t settle for you,” Sam muttered. “Just wanna see him.”

“I know, angel. Just go to sleep. You’ll see him in a few hours.”

A few hours was sixteen, as it turned out. “What the hell is this?” Sam heard as he fought against the grit behind his eyelids. “Even national icons--incredibly dangerous assassins even--can’t get their own room?”

Sam sat up, swayed, and had to put his hands on the bed to keep himself upright. At the end of the partition, Sam saw Steve see him, saw a grin pull at his tired face. “Nah, Buck. You just had a gentleman caller last night. I had to keep him in the living room for a while,” he joked. Sam didn’t get it. Well, maybe he did. But he didn’t want to fight through the pulsing stuffing in his head to figure it out.

Steve stepped over to him, helped him stand, offered a wheelchair. “I don’t need a damn wheelchair. I hit my head, not my legs,” Sam snapped, though it came out soft and whiny.

“You hit everything,” Steve said.

But it didn’t matter, because Sam could see the figure in the next bed over shoot upright too. “A gentleman caller?” Bucky said. “Was he handsome?”

“Well, I think so,” Steve said as he helped get Sam’s arm around his shoulders. “I’d take him home with me. You’re lucky I was so patient as to give you a chance to save your date.”

Bucky laughed and Sam just about collapsed at the sound. “Trust me, I could win any gentleman caller back from you.”

“Sure you could, Buck,” Steve said. Finally they started moving around the curtain partition and finally Sam got to see Bucky. They had matching head bandages and there were plenty more creeping out of the paper shirt he was in.

It was a good thing Steve was holding him up because Sam’s knees went out from under him. Steve gently deposited him on the bed and Bucky and he fell together, bandages pressed to bandages as foreheads found resting places together.

“Sammy,” Bucky breathed and brought taped fingers up to Sam’s cheek, his jaw, his lips, his chin. The metal arm was disconnected and Sam wondered if it had been damaged too. “I was so fucking scared. I saw you fall--”

“No,” Sam insisted again. “That’s what they said last night too. But I saw you--” he started.

“No, you fell first,” Bucky said. “You put yourself under me.”

Steve’s fingers rubbed at the back of Sam’s neck. “Told you. You didn’t drop him.”

“Nah,” Bucky agreed. The eye that wasn’t swollen shut was gleaming with fondness and adoration. “A perfect gentleman, you were. My gentleman caller.”

Sam let out a shaky breath and held his hand over Bucky’s chest, just to feel his heartbeat.

“Hey, doll, will you give me the controller?” Steve asked. Sam barely looked up from his phone, only adjusted his feet on the coffee table to give Bucky the room he’d need to hand over the remote.

Steve’s toes dug into Sam’s thigh and Sam lifted his leg enough to get Steve’s toes under him. But then he kept squirming until Sam finally looked up with an unheated glare. “Do you need something?” he asked.

“Yeah, the controller,” Steve said again. “Jeez, you mad at me for something, angel?” he asked.

“No? Why would I be?”

“I’ve asked you twice now for the controller and you haven’t moved.”

“You didn’t ask me. I figured Bucky was getting it.”

Steve’s face crumbled in confusion before a wry grin cut over it. “Where do you think Bucky is?”

Sam looked over at the weird egg shaped chair Bucky liked to curl up in. It was empty. So was the kitchen and the loveseat that was too short for any of them to actually lay on but Bucky liked to do it anyway.

“He left, like, an hour ago,” Steve said. “I asked you.”

“But...you said doll. You only ever call Bucky doll.”

“Do I?” Steve asked.

“Up until this moment, yeah,” Sam said, feeling a little embarrassed and heated.

Steve freed his feet so he could get his knees under him and lean over to Sam. “Well,” he said, kissing Sam’s jaw, “consider this me granting you the pet name too,” he murmured. “I like to use it when I’m undeniably happy. And you make me undeniably happy.”

“You’re full of shit,” Sam laughed, pushing Steve’s face away. “You call him doll in every argument you’ve ever had in front of me.”

Steve shrugged. “It wears him down faster than logic.”

Sam got the appeal. “Do it again.”

Steve grinned. “Make me, doll,” he breathed.

Sam leaned over to kiss him.

“Can we talk about something?” Sam asked finally. The words just fell out of his mouth. It was certainly not the ideal moment he was thinking about waiting for. Steve was reorganizing their colognes on the large chest-of-drawers, even though Bucky was just going to mess it all up again in the morning, and Bucky was doing situps on the floor in sweatpants that he kept taking out of the trash when Sam tried to throw them away.

“Sure, darlin’,” Bucky said, sounding like a sin all breathless and Brooklyn. He sat up and braced his elbow on the side of the bed. “What’s up?”

“Actually,” Sam started and rubbed at his elbow, “that’s what I wanted to talk about.” When Steve and Bucky pulled the same confused expression, Sam moved to the bed and sat down on it. His heart just about burst when both of them moved to sit by him. Steve took a hand in his and Bucky rubbed at his thigh.

“It’s stupid alright. You don’t have to worry like this,” he said and felt a little bit of the tension melt off of his partners. “It’s just...you know, when Bucky first started the whole pet name thing, it was a joke, right? You were just teasing me,” he said.

“Was I?” Bucky asked. Steve pinched his side behind Sam’s back.

“And that was fine,” Sam assured. “I liked it. I like seeing you two smile ‘cause of it. Like that you found a way to bring stuff from back then to now with you.”

“Does it...make you uncomfortable?” Steve asked. And Sam could almost see him try to figure out if there was something offensive in a name like angel.

“No, that’s not… I just… Recently it’s become...heavier, I guess? It feels like it means more.”

“Again, are we sure I was taking the piss out of you before?” Bucky repeated. Steve pinched him again.

“I just wanna know what it means, is all. Because...I really like it. I like it every time you say it. Every single one of them.”

“Angel,” Steve and Bucky said at the same time. Sam shuddered enough to jar his shoulder against Steve’s.

“Shit, you do like it,” Bucky said.

“Are you asking… Are you worried about more than just the pet names?” Steve asked. “Like...are you asking how serious we all are?”

Sam’s fingers tightened around Steve’s hand. He hoped he wasn’t hurting him because he wasn’t sure he could make his fingers unclasp at that point. “It’s this thing between the two of you. These names and stuff. I ain’t heard no one call someone doll since my friend’s great-grandparents renewed their vows when I was a kid. And don’t even get me started on darling. Not the way you two say it. You mean it.

“And I didn’t know how I fit into that. It felt like you were testing out how I fit with the two of you,” he finally admitted. He wanted the words to lift the constriction out of his chest. Instead, it just lifted it to his throat so he could barely keep on talking. “I thought maybe I liked it a lot more than the two of you did,” he said, not talking about the names anymore, not really. “And I was scared you’d give up. But then it got serious, right? And I had to try’n figure out what was going on. So...what is going on?”

“Oh, Sammy,” Bucky breathed and wrapped an arm around Sam’s middle to hug him. “It’s been dead-serious since the moment it started,” he said. “It’s not goin’ nowhere. Not the names and damn sure not me.”

“Of course it’s serious,” Steve agreed, pressing his forehead to Sam’s temple. “We haven’t ever tried to fit you into anything. You already do fit everywhere. It was something we were missing before you. Not a space we rearranged for you.”

“Fuck,” Sam breathed, tried to laugh it out but the tears were evident in it.

“And if you were gonna panic about pet names this much,” Bucky added, because he always knew how to make Sam laugh and break the tension. “You shoulda worked on not having such a perfect angelface.”

Sam did laugh.

“Lucky you got angelface,” Steve said on his other side, putting his arms around Sam’s waist too. “Apparently you can lose the dollface designation.”

Sam laughed again and clutched at the arms around him. “Alright, my loves,” he said and felt something tremor through both of the other men. This was a two way street. “You can call me anything you want as long as you kiss me right after.”

“Sure, angel,” Bucky said.

“Anything you want, doll,” Steve agreed.

He got a kiss on either cheek. And then many, many more afterwards.

[amandagaelic]

First Lines of Last 20....

I was tagged by @disappearinginq like...a while ago. Sorry it took so long. Life has been a big triage game of late.

Guidelines: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20,  just list them all.) Choose your favorite opening line, tag some friends!

My last 20 stories are a bit of a mix of fandoms, which is interesting to me since the first 10 years of my fanfic writing days were spent entrenched in Supernatural and all the Winchester lore and angst. Yet...they don't appear on this list. Fascinating.

1. In Extremis - MacGyver (2016)

He had work to do. Jack would disagree; in all the years MacGyver had known Jack Dalton he’d never once allowed blame to rest on Mac’s shoulders.

2. Undone - MacGyver (2016)

His hands were cold. It was the first thing he was aware of—followed very quickly by the fact that his shoulders burned, his head was pounding, and there was a wicked cramp in his lower back.

3. Hello to the Night - MacGyver (2016)

The first two rings didn’t register. Or he ignored them. It was hard to say.

4. Requiem - Magnum, P.I.

Some people were magnets. They drew his attention, his energy, just by walking into a room.

5. Witness Marks - Magnum, P.I.

It was late enough he knew the dogs would be sleeping peacefully in the main house with Higgins. He cannily avoided the security lights and cameras—a simple enough exercise as he’d placed each one personally.

6. The Card - MacGyver (2016)

There were many ways to define hell. For Riley Davis, the definition was one word: prison.

7. Solid Ground - MacGyver (2016)

Matilda Webber was no stranger to loss. Both personally and professionally, she’d learned to come to terms with the lesson that losing people—those she loved, those she trusted, those she was responsible for—was part of the journey.

8. Sight Unseen - MacGyver (2016)

“Get behind me! Get behind me!” Jack’s voice was tight, demanding.

9. High Rise + Free Fall - MacGyver (2016)

It started because of a paperclip. Or, really, the lack of one.

10. Mythology + Snare Net - MacGyver (2016)

Jack Dalton opened his eyes to darkness.

11. Wolf + Snow - MacGyver (2016)

There was a sensation of weightlessness he associated with freedom when in a helicopter.

12. Anvil + Duct Tape - MacGyver (2016)

The darkness was heavy, as if the very air had weight. Not the scientifically provable atmospheric pressure of 14.7 psi, but something less tangible, less solid.

13. The Devil You Know - Defenders & Daredevil

For a moment, it’s a perfect night. There’s a bite in the air threatening rain—cold, like a late autumn thunderstorm that can so easily slip into snow.

14. War Scars - BBCs The Musketeers

“Did you miss me?” d’Artagnan was standing in her room—their room. Four years, nothing but letters—few, far between, and lacking any true news from the front, but his words, none-the-less—and now here he stood.

15. Breaking Point - Timeless

Jiya held his hand loosely, fingers tangled enough to reassure him of her presence.

16. The Raid - Timeless

They’d slowed their desperate escape the moment they’d breached the line of buildings, leaving the smoke, screams, and cannon fire behind them.

17. Conairt - Teen Wolf

When Scott McCall’s heart stopped beating, his mother was half-way across town.

18. Acta Non Verba - BBCs The Musketeers

It was odd to see one of them alone. Bauer joined the Musketeers just after Athos, developed his own friendships among the ranks, and knew the importance and significance of having men close enough they breathed for one another when necessary.

19. Devil's Own - Daredevil

The snow swirled around him like a miniature cyclone, wind gusting without mercy as they stood facing each other on the barren rooftop. He was breathing hard, shoulders heaving with the effort, lips slightly parted as though trapped between gasping for air and trying not to scream.

20. Devil to Pay - Daredevil

Blood dripped from the gloves that protected Matt’s curled fists. His shoulders rocked with the effort to breathe, his lungs working furiously to capture enough air to keep his body moving.

As for picking my favorite among those? I think it's probably a tie between High Rise + Free Fall and Conairt. The first lines are almost as tough as the last, as you want to 'hook' your reader and entice them further into the story. I think some of these did a better job than others accomplishing that task.

Let's see, I'm tagging @thekristen999, @12percentplan, @itsjustdg, @purplecolouredglasses, @waitingforthestarstofall, @starryhc, @lord-owlsnake, @impossiblepluto, @anguishmacgyver ...plus anyone else who'd like to play along. Consider yourselves tagged by me - would love to see your works!

[saveyourblood]

Stolen Dance | Part 8

Summary: “Maybe this was a pipe dream, a delusion you’d soon awake from or a phase you’d outgrow. You didn’t really care. For a brief moment in time, you were in love. That’s what you chose to care about. That what you made matter.”

The one where you’re a paramedic, he’s an FBI agent, and the time you spend together is borrowed.

Word Count: 4.8k

Song: Moving On - Kodaline

Warnings: a few parts of this chapter (mostly, a single scene) are pretty disturbing. It's nothing worse than what is mentioned in Criminal Minds, but it's graphic. If it gets to be too much for you, skip to this: *** (the scene will also start with this symbol if you want to skip it altogether). Take care of yourself <3

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7

_____________________

Syria, 2014

“Are all girls from Colorado this rough, or is it just you?”

“Shut up, Austin.”

Austin laughed.

It was weird — soldiers buzzed around you like bees in a hive, but whenever you and Austin got the chance to talk, it was like you and him were the only people in the room. You just wished you could talk to him under better circumstances.

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Austin continued. “The last guy you treated walked out of here looking like Frankenstein.”

“Without me, he would’ve been rolled out,” you retorted. You pulled at the sutures tightly, causing him to wince.

“Alright, alright,” he ceded with a chuckle, “I get it. But if you mess up my face, my mama will come after you.”

“I would never mess up a handsome face like yours,” you said sweetly as you worked at the cut on his cheekbone. “Why would I ruin a man’s only asset?”

“You wound me, Y/N,” Austin said, setting a hand over his heart. “You wound me to my core.” 

You snorted, laying a bandage over the sutures. You patted his shoulder. “You’re good to go, soldier.” 

Austin stood up from the gurney, grabbing his button-down digital camo shirt. He draped it over his arm, which you swore was the width of your head. As if that wasn’t enough, he towered over you: he was at least 6’4, and built like a tank. You once said he was the Army’s wet dream. You got a good laugh out of that remark.

Austin bowed slightly and tipped an imaginary hat. “Thank you, m’lady,” he said, accentuating his preexisting southern drawl. 

You shoved his shoulder with a smile. “Get out of here, Crow.”

He smiled, his white teeth contrasting his dark hair. “See you around, Y/L/N.”

“Hopefully not too soon,” you replied. 

“What, you don’t want to look at this pretty face?” He asked, fluttering his eyelashes.

“Not really, no,” you laughed. You cleared your throat. “Seriously, Austin: Don’t be a hero.” 

He nodded, respecting your change of tone. “Yes ma’am,” he agreed, before walking out of the triage tent and right back into danger.

You sighed, picking up and putting away your equipment.

Some days, you wished more than anything else that the two of you met under different circumstances. You wished he moved to Colorado with his family when he was a teenager, or that the two of you met in a small cafe in a big city. Hell, you’d even be okay if you met during Basic Training, the two of you fell in love, and he worked on a local reserve while you persued a different career. Really, you just wished you hadn’t met while serving in Syria, because no matter how you spinned it, it just wasn’t appropriate. 

Austin was a Staff Sergeant, which technically meant he ranked higher than you. However, the two of you worked in different areas; Austin was a combat soldier, while you were a medic. He fought on the frontline, you mostly worked triage. You took care of men like him. So, even though the Army may not forbid an affair between the two of you, that didn’t mean you thought it was okay. It felt like… corruption, like you were breaking the trust between you and your brothers. You didn’t want anyone for a single second to feel like they were less important to you.

So, you pushed your feelings aside. You savored the moments you spent with Austin, but you didn’t push it. You didn’t seek him out, you didn’t play favorites. You enjoyed the time you spent with him, but said time was brief, as it should be. 

You sighed again. He was a charming Texas boy with a heart of gold. How could a person not fall in love with him? 

“The longer this goes on, the worse it gets.”

You and Austin watched a new batch of soldiers go through training. They were already deemed fit for combat, so the next few weeks would be spent teaching them the ins-and-outs of living and serving in an active warzone. Today’s lesson? IEDs. 

“I know,” you agreed, voices low as to not distract. “It started as peaceful protests against a President, and now more than half a million people are dead.”

“70 airstrikes later,” Austin said with a sigh. “Sometimes… nevermind.”

“What?” you asked. When he didn’t respond, you nudged his shoulder. “Sing your annoying song, Crow.”

He smirked, but didn’t quite laugh; the sound he made was that of a scoff. “Sometimes I wonder what the hell I’m even doing here.” 

“Me too,” you said softly. 

_____________________

The two of you found some downtime; Austin wouldn’t be heading out with his team until later in the afternoon, and after a busy morning, your tent was hitting a lull. The two of you decided to eat lunch together in an empty triage tent lined with gurneys. 

You sat on the ground beside each other, boots sunken into the mix of dirt and sand that made up the ground. Austin sat cross legged, and his knee brushed against your calf as you bounced your foot up and down.

“You gonna use that cheese?” He asked, referring to a silver packet you set on the ground.

“No,” you said, dumping your chicken fajita mix into your cooked rice packet. “Shit’s disgusting.”

Austin picked up the packet and tore it open with his teeth. He spread the fake, overly yellow ‘cheese’ spread onto a weird, fake pork sandwich he was making. The bread looked more like play-doh than bread, and the barbecue sauce he used was almost black. MREs: the epitome of luxury dining.

“That is nasty,” you remarked.

“Sometimes, you gotta take what you can get,” Austin said. He picked up a packet of clam chowder that had been heating up in its bag for awhile. He opened it and stirred it around before taking a spoonful and plopping it right on over the cheese spread. He finally closed the sandwich and took a massive bite.

“I’m gonna gag,” you stated bluntly. 

He frowned. “Why?” he asked through a mouthful of food.

“That is vile, Austin,” you said. “You just put clam chowder on a sandwich! With barbecue sauce and cheese! That’s so gross!”

He offered you the sandwich. “Wanna bite?” 

You tucked your chin against your chest and leaned back, shaking your head. “Get that away from me.” 

_____________________

To say the night was busy would be more than an understatement; 4 men from the same troop were rushed to triage, all with similar injuries caused by IEDs. One of the men ultimately ended up a double amputee, one leg blown off above the kneecap and the other being so damaged that most of the calf had to be removed. Somehow, a man from the same troop ended up with only minor lacerations. War was strange that way; you step on an IED the ‘right’ way, and it’s something you can walk away from. If you don’t, you could die.

“Alright everyone, we have 6 more soldiers coming in!” Your Lieutenant Colonel shouted. “All non-emergent patients should be transferred. Let’s hope for the best, prepare for the worst.”

You helped ‘reset’ a few stations, making sure they were clean and ready. When the men still hadn’t arrived, you approached Colonel Todd.

“Colonel,” you asked, catching her attention. “What else do you know?”

“Best guess? Task Force 221,” she replied, signing a few papers when someone handed her a clipboard. “Crow and his boys were out patrolling, Folks don’t take too kindly to soldiers around here.”

Your heart sank.

The men from Task Force 221 came in at the same time, and they were loaded out of the truck and onto gurneys one by one. You got assigned to the first person, which happened to be Austin himself.

“Go, help them,” Austin protested, already trying to get off the gurney. “I’m okay, just help my boys!”

You pushed him down by his chest as you and two other people rolled him inside. 

“Can I get a dose of Lidocaine, please?” you instructed, cutting away Austin’s already torn pants. So far, you saw two GSWs: one to the left lower leg, and one to the right calf. You adjusted the light above you to get a better look. “Make it two doses.” 

“I’m fine,” Austin pushed, once again trying to stand up.

“Austin Crow, I swear to god, I will tie you down if I have to,” you threatened. “You’re not fine — you’ve been shot. Sometimes, to take care of your team, you have to take care of yourself first.”

He laid back with a sigh.

Three hours passed before you could properly speak to Austin. After pulling the bullets from both his legs, you ran around trying to help people wherever and however you could. Eventually, you found the sweet spot where no one was critical but everyone was still busy. You managed to slip away and pull the curtains around Austin’s bed.

“What the hell were you thinking?!” you hissed under your breath.

“...What?”

“I heard what you did,” you said. “Your lieutenants were more than happy to tell me exactly how you got shot.” 

“By doing my job?” Austin asked. 

“You put yourself in the line of fire!” you argued. “You ran right into danger!”

“To help someone,” he explained calmly. “No man gets left behind, Y/N. You know that.” 

“You could have died!” you said between clenched teeth. You were trying to keep your voice down, but his apathy was driving you crazy. “God, what is it with you? The same day I take out your stitches, you come in with two gunshot wounds. What’s next, Austin? You want me to plan your funeral? Write to your parents, tell them how you died a hero?” 

“Why are you so pissed at me?” Austin asked. He seemed more confused than angry.

The words fell out before you could stop them. “Because I love you!” 

He didn’t say anything, just stared at you. You laughed bitterly. 

“There,” you said, pinching the bridge of your nose. “Cat’s out of the bag.” You sighed, setting your hand down and looking him in the eye. “I think… I’m in  love with you, and I don’t want to see you dead.”

Silence fell. Austin looked away, looked back to you, looked away again, and clenched his jaw. You crossed your arms in self-defense, heart pounding as you waited for him to say something, anything.

Austin scooted over, then patted the space beside him. “Come here.”

You approached the bed, slowly and carefully sliding next to him. It was almost too small for Austin by himself, let alone with another person, so your weight ended up mostly on him. He didn’t seem to mind, though.

Austin’s arms wrapped around you, pulling you closer to his body. He buried his face in your hair, taking a long breath. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I’ll do better. I promise.” 

_____________________

This wasn’t supposed to happen. 

You were only covering for someone, a temporary replacement until a new combat medic was hired. Austin was hesitant; he wasn’t sure if you were cut out for the job. You assured him you’d be fine, that you went through the same training everyone else did, and that it wasn’t permanent.

You were an amazing combat medic. You tied every tourniquet tight, you took care of men until they could be shipped off the triage. The Colonel in charge of Task Force 221 commended you, said you could be a real fit for the field. 

Austin didn’t agree. The two of you had been secretly dating for about a month, and it was the first real fight the you got into. You said you were seriously considering accepting a job as a combat medic, and Austin disagreed. You could tell this fight wouldn’t be like the last one — you weren’t about to kiss him and tell him everything would be alright.

“What, only you get to do the dirty work?” you asked. “Only you get make some real change?”

“This isn’t about glory, Y/N,” Austin sighed, running a hand through his cropped hair. “It’s about keeping you alive.”

“Now you know how I feel!” you argued, laughing at the irony. “It’s scary, isn’t it, Austin?! You want more than anything to pull me off of the battlefield, put me somewhere in this godforsaken country were I can be at least somewhat safe?!”

He clenched his jaw and looked away.

“I’m gonna take that job,” you stated, “and I’m only quitting when you do.” 

Now, you were here, in a place you didn’t know, but you knew you didn’t like.

“Y/N?” you heard someone call weakly.

“Austin?!” you said, trying your hardest not to burst into tears. You couldn’t see anything, so hearing his voice was a massive relief. 

Your memory came back in pieces: you saw Austin walk ahead to secure the area, but he ended up stepping on and IED. Without even thinking, you ran ahead, despite the yells and other protests of the men beside you. 

“Hey, baby,” you said gently, looking him up and down.  It took everything in you not to gag or faint.

He stepped right on the edge of the IED, meaning his left leg was blown off to right below the kneecap.  The exposed muscle was shredded, and his bone stuck out like a morbid fence post.

“You’re gonna be fine,” you promised, taking out your tourniquet. Just like you had been instructed what felt like decades ago, you pulled it as tight as you physically could to stop any more blood loss. 

Austin moaned in pain and mumbled a few words you couldn’t understand. When you looked up to call for help, the butt of a gun connected with the back of your head, effectively knocking you out. 

You woke up here.

“It was a trap,” Austin said, voice rough and quiet. 

“We’re gonna get out of here, okay?” you promised. “Half of the fucking Army is probably looking for us right now.”

After what felt like hours, someone came in to remove your blindfold. You could finally get a good look at Austin, and it made your heart pound in your ears. He didn’t look good. Things would get ugly if he didn’t get proper medical attention soon. 

“Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you,” you said immediately. “Just let me help him.”

A man dressed in all black began to yell at you in Arabic. You could only make out a few words — work, plan, and money. He paused, most likely to give you time to answer. When you didn’t, he punched you across the face.

“No,” Austin said weakly. “Stop it.”

You spat some blood onto the floor, your entire head throbbing. “Don’t worry,” you said, then looked to your attack. “I can take it.” 

_____________________

Present Day

“They didn’t get anything out of me by punching,” you said, staring at the light above your bed. You sounded detached, like you were talking about a movie you watched rather than recalling the worst day of your life. You supposed that’s how you coped with it — you pretended it wasn’t real, that it never really happened. “Even when they brought in someone who spoke English, I didn’t talk.”

You sighed, running a hand through your hair. You adjusted the bed to a sitting position awhile ago, but you still felt vulnerable.

“You can stop,” Spencer offered, gently taking your hand. It was taped up and gloved, as it was the hand they put an IV in, so his touch was more delicate than usual. 

You shook your head. “I want to tell you everything,” you promised. “It’s just hard to think about. It’s hard to remember.” You took in a breath. “When the punching didn’t work, they moved on to whipping. And when that didn’t work…”

_____________________

***

Syria, 2014

Your back stung and your head throbbed. You hoped that eventually, you’d pass out, but unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Either your pain tolerance was too high, or the breaks they took between the methods of torturing were enough to keep you conscious.

“Get her on the ground,” one man growled. 

You groggily put together that there were three men in the room, all of them equally pissed. They probably thought you’d be easy to crack. 

The fresh wounds on your back hurt even more when they connected with the dirt; you could practically feel the infection in your skin forming. You gritted your teeth, barely able to refrain from making noise. You didn’t want to give them the satisfaction. 

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, someone began to pull down your pants. In that very moment, you prayed for a heart attack, for your body to give out completely. This, on top of everything else? You wouldn’t be able to take it.

“That’s enough!” Austin shouted, so loud that it practically shook the walls. “I’ll tell you what you want to know. Just get the hell away from her.” 

Austin gave up the location of the base, as well as other details they wanted, like what patrols and other missions had been scheduled. Apparently, all they wanted was to get the upper hand, strike before Austin or anyone else’s task force could. It made you wonder what they did when information was time-sensitive.

They slammed the heavy door behind them, and immediately, you burst into tears. You rolled onto your side and curled into a ball, shirt in shreds from the whipping. You stayed in that position for so long that your arm and legs fell asleep, but you didn’t really care. You wanted to feel nothing right about now.

“Y/N,” Austin called, for what was probably the millionth time. You tuned out everything around you, only the sound of static filling your ears.

You sat up lifelessly, a blank stare on your face.

“Come here,” he said.

You crawled over to Austin, your concern for him trumping both the physical and mental pain you were in. It had only been a few hours at most, but he already looked worse. His face was pale, lips dry, and despite the tourniquet, he seemed to have lost quite a bit of blood. 

“What do you need?” you asked. 

“Can you take off my shirt?” He asked.

It was a weird request, but you obliged. You lifted up the hem of his shirt, and carefully, you pulled it above his head. You managed to get it off without having to lift his arms too high.

“Put it on,” Austin instructed.

You smiled through a few new tears. 

It was damp with sweat, meaning it was entirely sanitary, but more than anything, you appreciated the sentiment. You slid it over your head, slipping your arms through each hole. Unsurprisingly, it was massive on you — the sleeves were technically short, but they almost hit your elbow. 

“Sit by me,” he said, tilting his head to the empty space beside him. 

You did as you were told, careful not to lean back and inflict more pain.

“Closer.”

You laughed, wiping your nose as tears streamed down your face. You scooted closer to him, lifting one of his arms and slinging it around your shoulders. You curled into his chest, and despite the sweltering heat, you found comfort in his warmth. 

“Hey, Y/N?” Austin asked, voice raspy.

You looked up. “Yeah?”

“I’m in love with you too.”

It didn’t occur to you, but ‘love’ hadn’t come out of either of your mouths since the night you first admitted it. You spent countless hours in each other’s presence, but it hadn’t come up. You didn’t Austin to say a word in order to prove how much he cared about you — he showed it. It was implied.

And now, it was over.

_____________________

***

Present Day

“It took them 18 hours to find us,” you said. A few tears made their way down your cheek. You wiped them and continued on. “I think Austin died halfway through it.” 

The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop; you thought Spencer was afraid to even breathe. 

“I stayed by his body until someone found us,” you said. “I managed to fall asleep a few times, and every time I woke up, mice were eating his skin. As if his leg being blown off wasn’t bad enough.” you paused. “I think his blood started to spoil. Is that possible? I don’t know. I think the heat was cooking him, though. It didn’t take long for his skin to start rotting.”

Your face contorted, and you stifled a sob. “I wanted to save him, Spencer,” you cried, clutching his hand. “I really did. They just wouldn’t let me.” 

Almost immediately, Spencer joined you on the bed. He pulled you against him, arms tight around you like a barricade. You gripped his shoulders as you cried into his chest.

“None of this is your fault, you hear me?” Spencer said. “None of it is your fault.” 

You weren’t sure how long the two of you stayed like that. Eventually, you stopped sobbing, but the occasional tear still rolled down your cheek. Spencer held you throughout it all.

Eventually, you felt Spencer lift his head from the pillow. You looked up to see the team standing at the nurses’ station. Any other day, you would have pushed him aside and invited them in. Today, though, you just sniffed and moved closer to him. 

Spencer kissed your hair and continued to hold you close. They’d get the memo.

_____________________

The hospital kept you overnight for observation, but by daylight, you were discharged with a clean bill of health. Sometime during the night, Emily and JJ swung by to drop you off a change of clothes, which you were eternally grateful for. 

Spencer didn’t leave your side the entire night. He waited outside the bathroom when you changed, he held your hand as you took the elevator ride down to the lobby, and he sat in the middle of the backseat on the cab ride home. You stared out the window the entire time, but you kept a hand on his knee. 

As you stared at the multi-colored, almost bare trees, you realized something: life goes on. People were waking up and heading to their 9-5, and their biggest concern was what to make for dinner later that day. Some of them had a violent or traumatic past, just like you did, but that wasn’t how they lived their life. You and everyone else alive did the same thing: you woke up, and you tried your best. Sometimes, that’s all anyone can do. And that’s enough. 

“The rest of the team is going over to Rossi’s tonight; he’s making spaghetti,” Spencer said as the two of you entered the apartment. “We can go, if you want. Or we can stay here all day. We shouldn’t have a case until tomorrow. Even so, I’m sure Hotch would understand if you took some time off.”

“Spencer?” you asked.

“Yeah?”

“I’m okay,” you promised. “Everything I told you is something I’ve been reliving for the past 2 years. Talking about it didn’t dredge anything up. Actually, if anything, it helped. It’s like… I don’t know, a weight was lifted off of me. I feel like I can start to move on, finally.” 

He smiled faintly. “Good,” he nodded, “I’m glad.” 

You set your arms on his shoulders. “I’d love to go to Rossi’s for dinner,” you said. “But first, I need your help with something.” 

“Anything.” 

You played with your hands. “Ever since I got back, I’ve been thinking of visiting Austin’s family. It took me 6 months to go back to work after what happened — I can’t imagine what it was like for them to lose a child. I thought they needed some time before I brought everything back up. I think I’m ready now. At least, I’m ready if they are.”

“And that’s what you need my help with,” Spencer concluded.

You nodded. “I don’t know how to get in contact with them. Honestly, I was just gonna start by googling them.” 

“Over 45 million members of Generation X use Facebook,” Spencer said. “I think we should start there.” 

_____________________

“I swear, I am never letting you go,” Garcia said as she hugged you. For someone who was normally so soft, in that moment, she could crush all of your bones. 

“Come on, baby girl,” Derek chuckled, “we all get a turn. And Y/N needs to breathe.”

With a pout, Garcia let go of you. JJ, who was standing next to her, extended her arms. You pulled her into a short but sweet hug. Spencer wasn’t joking: this team was a family. 

“We didn’t get to see you in the hospital!” Emily exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around you. 

“I wasn’t there for long,” you said, pulling away. “Besides, I wasn’t really in the mood for visitors. No offense.” 

“None taken.” 

Derek hugged you next. His massive arms wrapped around you, and as you briefly relaxed into his chest, his chin rested on top of your head. A small, warm smile crossed your face. He was like the older brother you never had. 

“Hey, can I talk to you?” He asked as the two of you parted. 

Though surprised, you nodded. “Yeah, of course. You wanna step outside for a sec?” 

Derek nodded. 

“Don’t be too long!” Rossi called from the kitchen. “The show’s about to begin!”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world!” you promised. 

As you followed Derek onto the porch, you noticed Spencer talking to Hotch. You gave him a small wave, which he returned with a look of confusion. You raised your index finger, a silent way of telling him you’d be just a second.

“What’s up, Derek?” you asked, closing the door behind you.

“Are you okay?” He asked. “And I mean really okay, not the ‘okay’ that gets you out of a conversation.” 

You took a few steps, resting your arms on the porch railing. “I think I am,” you said, looking over your shoulder. “Why do you ask?”

Derek moved to stand beside you. He pressed his palms to the smooth wood. “Maybe you didn’t see us at the hospital, but we saw you,” he said. “I’ve never seen someone who was so sad to be alive.” 

“It wasn’t that,” you promised. “I mean, it was for awhile, but not anymore.”

“What’s going on?” Derek pressed, bumping you shoulder with his. “Something’s eating at you. I can tell.” 

“I lost a friend,” you said simply, “when I was in Syria. I watched him die.”

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, setting a hand over yours. “That’s awful.”

“It was,” you agreed, “and ever since I got back, I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m alive and he isn’t. He had a set of happily married parents and two beautiful sisters to come home to. I’m an only child, and my father was six feet under. He had so many people that cared about him — the only person who would have really missed me was my mom. It didn’t seem fair, ya know?”

He nodded. “I know. Believe me, I know.” 

Derek shifted his footing. You nudged his shoulder.

“Something’s eating at you: I can tell,” you joked.

He chuckled softly. “Fair enough.” He paused. “I watched my dad die. One day, he picked me up early from school. I asked him if we could go to the convenience store. When we got inside, there was a woman being robbed.  My dad was a cop, so he stepped in,  hoping he could diffuse the situation. The robber shot him.”

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, squeezing his hand. “How old were you?”

“10,” Derek answered. “It took me a long time to move on; I was lost without my father. I thought if  I had toughed it out until the bell rang, maybe my dad would still be alive. The older I got, though, the more I realized that it didn’t matter. What matters is what I do about it. So, I shaped up. I started solving problems instead of creating them. Maybe I’m biased, but I like to think I did an okay job.”

“You did an amazing job,” you said with a smile. “You’re a good man, Derek Morgan. Your father would be proud of you.”

“So would yours,” Derek returned. He slung an arm over your shoulders, pulling you close to kiss the top of your head. 

_____________________

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[knybits]

A Murder of One

Chapter:

18

Summary: 

Let’s get to work

Previous Chapter | Origin | Next Chapter 

“Upper moon six?” 

Iguro clicks his tongue from beneath his mask over and over again, irritated that he has to answer Akiko’s plethora of questions. 

“Yes. Other kakushi are on their way, but we’ve been deployed second,” he leaps through trees, flying through branches and adding in a backflip or two to ensure that he can make it to the next branch. Akiko can start to see Tokyo now. 

Pillar transportation is truly the way to go. 

“Wait, so who was deployed first-?” 

A sudden explosion from Tokyo’s red light district causes shockwaves, throwing the two off the trees and down to the ground. Birds cry in a panic and swarm away, and the dirt floor beneath the two shake so hard that Akiko is afraid the trees would unroot and fall onto them. 

Akiko’s vision blurs, her body aches, but she forces herself to stand with wobbly legs. Iguro yanks her back up and onto his shoulder, snatches her bag, and they’re off again. 

But her heart almost stops and her eyes desperately narrow into the city when Iguro answers her previous question. 

“Uzui Tengen, Agatsuma Zenitsu, Hashibira Inosuke, and those Kamado siblings.” 

---

Throughout all the rubble, Akiko can’t find her fiance. She’s made aware of the crowds of citizens that were evacuated out of the city, and she can only assume that it was thanks to Uzui. 

They walk around in confusion and shock, few crying over the loss of their money and going so far as to curl onto the ground. Maikos and oirans have smeared makeup and some are hardly dressed; Akiko assumes they were woken from their sleep and thrown out. 

Akiko takes it upon herself to start giving orders, watching Iguro jump away to look for the demon. Kakushi are right on her tail too, so she makes sure that they set up a med tent and look after the injured citizens, quickly leaving right after to look for the demon slayers that she’s been assigned to save. 

“Goto is in charge of triage,” Akiko nods her head to her favorite kakushi, and he points to himself with wide eyes.

It hurts to scramble over broken buildings and glass, and Akiko has to watch out for herself in fear that the demon is still alive or that she’ll slip and fall into broken shrapnel. Her bag is being dragged by her side, bumping into her legs and forcing her to catch herself from tripping. 

Akiko continues to scan the mess, almost cursing at herself for being unable to catch sight of a six foot tall behemoth. 

It’s when she hears crying that she feels relief. 

Someone is alive. 

She stumbles through the wreckage, climbing up a fallen building as the crying and shouting grows louder. Once she’s atop the building, she finds Uzui with his three wives. 

“NOOOOO! DON’T DIE! PLEASE DON’T DIE TENGEN-SAMA!!!” Suma hollars at the top of her lungs, her face a wet mess as Hinatsuru finishes wrapping his head wound. 

“Please back away from the patient,” Akiko states calmly, laying her bag by his feet and pulling some gloves on. 

“Wh- Who are you?” Hinatsuru asks, but shakes her head once seeing Akiko pull out some tools. Her scalpels and syringes are enough for them to understand, and they scramble to Akiko. 

“Demon poison! The antidotes aren’t working!!” Makio grasps Akiko’s sleeves. 

Suma continues to cry, “You’re so cruel, gods! So cruel!!” 

Hinatsuru wipes the tears from her face as she watches AKiko pull out a few vials and beakers, quickly mixing the liquids in an attempt to cure their husband. 

“I don’t think there’s enough time, so I have some final things to say…” Uzui coughs out. Akiko rolls her eyes at his dramatic self, angrily muttering under her breath that he’ll be fine. 

“Up until now, I’ve lived-” 

“IF YOU LET TENGEN-SAMA DIE, I WON’T BE PRAYING TO YOU GUYS ANYMORE! I WON’T EVER FORGIVE YOUUU!!!” 

“HEY SHUT UP FOR A BIT! TENGEN-SAMA IS SPEAKING!!” 

“Both of you, be quiet…!” Hinatsuru glances between Akiko and the two other wives, but Akiko seems to be in her own world. 

Her hands fly across small vials of strange liquids, some form of a label scribbled across the glass surface that only Akiko can seem to read. 

Akiko doesn’t even notice Makio shovel rocks into Suma’s mouth, instead noticing that the poison has circulated to Uzui’s tongue and he is unable to speak. She yanks his tongue out of his mouth with some clear tongs, and he doesn’t even react. Akiko furrows her brows, adding another liquid into the mix. 

“You… You work well despite the noise…” Hinatsuru smiles weakly, but Akiko stays silent. 

So Hinatsuru finds it best to just get Suma and Makio under control, rallying them to stay silent and picking rocks out of Suma’s mouth. 

When Akiko smiles and holds her finished beaker up, declaring herself finished, Nezuko pops up. 

“Oh! Nezuko! Thank goodness you’re alive! Do me a favor and- wHY DO YOU HATE ME?!” 

Akiko’s patient goes up in flames. 

Makio takes it upon herself to drag Nezuko off her husband, yelling and screaming at the girl for starting the cremation so early. Akiko can’t help but stare at her burning patient in shock, soul leaving her body and suddenly forgetting how to treat third degree burns. 

“Hold on,” Uzui voice snaps Akiko’s soul right back into her body, and she finds that the flames didn’t burn Uzui’s body at all. 

In fact, Akiko can’t see any poison flowing through her patient’s body. 

“The poison’s gone,” Akiko states, and not a second after do all three wives thrown themselves onto Uzui. 

Akiko can’t help but smile softly at the display, tucking the syringe filled with the antidote back into her bag. 

“Akiko!” A familiar voice calls, and Akiko’s heart flutters with excitement. 

“Tanjirou! You’re- NOT OKAY,” she can see a large puncture wound from beneath his jaw, blood pouring from his head wounds, and even more blood coloring his eyes. 

Tanjirou offers her a smile, “I’m fine-” 

“Don’t start with me and sit down right now.” 

“Yes ma'am.” 

Uzui barks a laugh as Tanjirou quickly plops himself down into a seiza position in front of a seated Akiko, hands on his knees as he looks down guiltily. 

“Boy well aren’t you whipped!” 

Tanjirou blushes furiously as Akiko wraps his head wound, finding that his veins aren’t coursing with poison. 

“But Akiko-!” 

She gives him a terrifying glare, but he tries to reason with Akiko anyway. 

“I can’t be at ease until I confirm the demons are gone!”  

“Hilarious. Mouth shut or else.” 

Akiko clicks her tongue, going back to rustle through her bag while muttering curses to herself. 

When she turns back around, a new roll of bandages in hand, she sees a bloody Zenitsu and Inosuke, but no Tanjirou nor Nezuko. 

“Akikooooo!! I can’t seeeee!! Help meeeEEeEeee!!” 

“You’re rotting in hell with my fiance after he bleeds himself out.” 

“FOOD!! FOOD!!” 

Akiko bitterly starts her work on Inosuke, considering he’s the most injured at the moment. Zenitsu continues to cry beside her, asking for a measly bandage. She tosses one in his general direction, and he only catches it thanks to his ears. 

She hates how his organs are a mess right now. She can see that his heart is misplaced and a good few other vital organs are moved to where they shouldn’t be, but it’s a good thing he was able to save himself this way. 

It’s just more work for Akiko, but she’ll have to save that for when she goes back to the estate. 

When Akiko looks up to grab another roll of bandages and some antiseptic, she sees that Iguro has finally found the group. 

He seems to be verbally attacking Uzui, and the three wives looked both tired and pissed at the Snake Pillar. 

“I should praise you or something,” Iguro delivers his final blow, and Akiko can see multiple cords snap. 

She turns her attention to Zenitsu instead, wiping the blood from his eyes and proclaiming him cured. Miraculously, he believes her, and the two work together to pick Inosuke’s body up and look for Tanjirou and Nezuko. 

Akiko sees them before Zenitsu can hear them. She points to the two siblings, who are looking up into the night sky with a solemn look on their faces.  

Zenitsu begins to cry out for his friend, leaving Akiko to deal with Inosuke by herself. She nearly drops under the weight of the meathead, calling out for Zenitsu to help her. It’s Nezuko that moves to carry Inosuke over to her brother, her demon strength coming in handy. 

But rather than allowing Akiko to help his injuries, he brings her into the group hug, everyone crying their hearts out and thankful that they get to see the sun rise together again. 

Akiko sighs in distress, her body itching to wrap Tanjirou’s jaw shut, but she allows for everyone to cry. Akiko chooses to wipe Tanjirou’s tears away, cupping his face in her hands as she rests her forehead against his, and he can smell her relief. 

Heart overwhelmed, Tanjirou begins to pepper Akiko’s face with kisses. He kisses the lids of her eyes and both cheeks and he kisses her temples as well. Akiko allows for him to gush over her, a light smile on her face when she can see that he’s thankful to look into her eyes again. 

“I missed you!” Tanjirou cries, and Akiko can’t help but laugh. 

She’s so tired, but just listening to her fiance’s voice is enough to fill up her severely depleted battery. 

God he looks like he’s been through Hell and back. Akiko doesn’t want to ask what happened. She’s too afraid that it’ll elicit an awful reaction from her fiance. 

“And I’ve missed you too,” Akiko chooses to say, allowing for Tanjirou to relish in bliss. She wipes a few more of his tears away, heart aching the least bit when she sees that his tears are mixed with the blood in his eyes. 

He’s so happy just looking at her. Tanjirou can bear the pain for Akiko another time over, though she would never allow him to do so. And Akiko knows that he’s trying to stay strong for her, but Tanjirou needs to heal now. 

“But I need to help you,” Akiko continues, but Tanjirou shakes his head. 

“Please help Inosuke and Zenitsu first,” Tanjirou chokes out, forcing back the blood in his mouth. Akiko knows that her fiance is stubborn and won’t listen to her, but she’s already done all she can for Zenitsu and Inosuke under her current situation. 

“Tanjirou,” Akiko begs, hand softly caressing his cheek. She can see the rise and fall of his chest lessen by the second, and Akiko hates that Tanjirou can smell her panic. 

“Please, please let me help you. I need you to lay down, alright love?” The words flow like honey out of Akiko’s mouth, ensnaring Tanjirou to listen to what she says. He nods his head, hiccuping to try and cease his crying. Akiko softly asks for everyone else to move out of her way, and they oblige, continuing to cry in each other's arms. 

She helps to gently lay his head down, grabbing rubble to elevate his legs. Zenitsu, Inosuke and Nezuko watch from the sidelines, holding each other. Nezuko makes some concerned muffled sounds, and Zenitsu holds her tighter to reassure Nezuko that Tanjirou is in good hands. 

Akiko’s fingers move quickly to stop the terrible bleeding from Tanjirou’s jaw. He winces at the stinging feeling of the antiseptic, and Akiko apologizes under her breath. A thick paste is applied to his jaw, and Akiko shuts his jaw with a clean roll of bandages. 

A sudden feeling of fatigue hits Tanjirou like a train, and Akiko can see his eyes flutter. 

“Tanjirou, love, you have to keep your eyes open for me,” there’s urgency in her tone of voice that Tanjirou barely picks up on, but the sound of her voice and the warm darkness battle it out in his mind. 

In the end, Akiko isn’t able to save Tanjirou from losing consciousness. 

akiko hits her monthly depression block next chapter :,,( 

also, @thunderandrainclouds drew fanart for this chapter!!!! i hope yall are excited to see it bc it made me SO SOFT 

[easyfoodnetwork]

How One Chef Is Feeding LA’s Hospital Workers, 100 Enchiladas at a Time

The idea of comfort food has become a cliche, but for those working the front lines at hospitals, a well-prepared meal makes all the difference

One afternoon in late March, the chef Josef Centeno made 100 enchiladas. First, he simmered 10 pounds of chicken thighs in an improvised Japanese-style curry made with chorizo spice, yuzu kosho, dried chile powder, and dashi, while on the side, he grilled bolting cauliflower from a local farm. Then he warmed corn tortillas in hot oil and became a one-man assembly line, filling them with the curry and laying them seam-side down on the full-sized sheet pan. Finally, a blanket of fontina and Tex-Mex cheese turned the enchiladas brown and crispy in the oven.

This motherlode of enchiladas was handed off to some friends who took them to a doctor at Cedars-Sinai. There were 61 new cases of the novel coronavirus reported in Los Angeles County that day; the hospital had just set up a triage tent outside. “It’s gonna start getting bad I’m afraid,” Centeno texted me. The things he was hearing made him want to help, so he did the thing he knew how to do: cook.

Centeno was one of the first chefs in Los Angeles to close down entirely after the city ordered restaurants to shift to takeout and delivery only. While operating in takeout mode, he returned again and again to the question of the virus, and how easily it was spreading — it was safe for the people ordering, but less safe for the staff making their way to work every day. “I would feel terrible for the rest of my life if I was having people work, even though everyone wanted to work, if they went home and got their grandmother sick or son who has asthma sick,�� he says. “I told everyone to file for unemployment [right then], because by [the following] week, it was going to be a shitshow.” Many of his employees were able to get unemployment, before, yes, everything became a shitshow. “Every day, we find out a little more, and it’s a little bit worse.”

The day after he decided to close, he gave away produce and extra cooked food to staff and friends, first from his restaurant Amacita in Culver City, and later from his four restaurants clustered in downtown Los Angeles around a corner he’d remade starting in 2011. Centeno was already cooking big batches of his ranchero chicken to give away, and when he heard about the doctors, nurses, and staff working endless shifts as they treated COVID patients and prepared for the oncoming wave, he wanted to provide food that could, even for a moment, transport hospital workers out of the crisis they were facing. “Restaurants have always been an escape, and that’s what I know how to do.”

After that first batch of enchiladas, Centeno started cooking by himself twice a week with a nonprofit called Dine11, one of the many charities that have popped up to feed hospital workers in Los Angeles. Dine11 was started by longtime friends and collaborators, actor Lola Glaudini and costume supervisor Brooke Thatawat, who had friends in the restaurant and hospital world and saw they both needed help.

Centeno’s prep work for a batch of meals designated for hospital workers

Unlike some of the bigger nonprofits, which are sending massive meal orders to the city’s best-known hospitals, Dine 11 doesn’t work with chains or big restaurateurs. Instead, its focus helps mom-and-pop restaurants and some smaller restaurant groups bring in enough money to survive the citywide shutdown, while sending food to the smaller hospitals in Los Angeles that are missing out on larger charities’ attentions. Dine11 uses the money it’s raised to place a takeout order at a small local restaurant, which boxes it up according to hospital safety protocols. The restaurant puts the food in the trunk of a volunteer driver, who takes it to the hospital. Then, the volunteer texts their contact at the hospital, who picks it up from the truck without any contact.

Glaudini says restaurants are finding Dine11 organically; she’s getting 20 to 30 emails a day from people who want to be involved. For many smaller restaurants, the kind run by families or people who would call themselves cooks, not chefs, closing down doesn’t feel like an option. Dine11 can’t keep them in business long term, but it can give them a lifeline of another week. And every restaurant Dine11 works with is required to adhere to safety standards (masks, gloves, frequent wiping down of containers and surfaces) that help keep workers safer, too.

Centeno cooks meals for Dine11 in between designing face masks for friends and family and custom-dyeing garments he’s selling to raise money to keep his workers on their health insurance. He uses donated vegetables from Thao Family Farms, his own dwindling stock of ingredients (like an order of eight 22-pound bags of rice he placed right before the pandemic hit), and whatever else he can get his hands on. He cooks alone, because he believes that’s the only safe option right now. “It’s been kind of Zen,” he says. “I’m just by myself, listening to music.” Centeno isn’t taking money from Dine11 for himself or to cover ingredients; the founders say he’s asked them to donate the money directly to the GoFundMe he set up for his employees. To cover the restaurants’ last payroll, Centeno dipped into his personal savings fund, which he is relying on as long as his restaurants remain closed.

For the takeout meals, Centeno is mixing Japanese and Tex-Mex flavors, which he says work surprisingly well together. A recent rice bowl came together like this: ground beef from the freezer, which he stewed with dashi to make a picadillo, plus mustard greens and kale from Thao Farms cooked with Peads & Barnetts bacon, served over brown rice. Centeno topped the bowls with shaved fennel and pistachio dry salsa. Even though he was working by himself, and not in the rush of service, he still has been running behind. “I did a lot better than the week before, when I was like an hour late.”

The idea of comfort food has become a cliche, but the emotional succor a well-prepared meal can offer is real, especially in times of true need. Medical workers need to eat, but what they really need is to feel supported, and that’s a role meals made with precision and creativity like Centeno’s can play. “Our responsibility as culinarians is to take care of people,” Centeno says.

Katy Kinsella is an emergency physician at Kaiser in Panorama City and a friend of Dine11’s co-founder Thatawat; her hospital has received several deliveries from Dine11. At the hospital, according to Kinsella, workers are anxiously waiting for the pandemic’s peak to hit in Los Angeles. Kinsella’s hospital is seeing COVID-19 patients on a daily basis, anywhere from four to 18 a day, many of whom come in very sick. “It can tax the lungs and they end up getting pneumonia; once they end up with a breathing tube, they don’t do well,” Kinsella says. “There’s no infectious disease that we’ve had here in the United States that’s felt anything like this. You can’t help but think, that could be me.” Friends at hospitals in New York and Detroit are completely overwhelmed. Kinsella worries for them, and for herself; she worries she might carry the virus home to her family. The food that comes from Dine11 fuels a long and harrowing shift, but its emotional impact is much more important. “It’s just nice to know that people care and recognize what we’re doing.”

The fear of what the pandemic might bring doesn’t stop Kinsella from showing up every day; she’s proud to do her job. What a meal prepared by a chef or local restaurant does is create a sense of normalcy — that care that Centeno wants to convey. “When we have to give people bad news, we feel it too. Having a meal and feeling the support of our community makes us feel like we’re not in it alone.”

Kinsella says she likes getting food from Dine11 because they’re building a model to support local restaurants, which she knows are hurting. “Food is my favorite thing in the world, and it’s weird to have all these restaurants closed,” she says. “We were trying to support local restaurants with takeout, but it’s not the same thing.” Glaudini and Thatawat believe that boosting the morale of health care workers is essential, but they know there are lots of groups out there feeding hospitals right now. They’re trying to focus on making sure the efforts help restaurants, too, whether that’s by partnering with places that are really in need or having delivery volunteers so the restaurants can keep all of the money, rather than giving a delivery service a cut. “We want to spend our money where the need is greatest,” Thatawat says. “And that’s the smaller businesses and local businesses that we love.”

Centeno does not know if the cooking is helping him cope with the collapse of his industry, but he does find meaning in feeding those who are putting their lives on the line. He knows he’s not alone in struggling right now — he sees it happening to every single one of his peers. Like a lot of other chefs who own a small enough number of restaurants where they occasionally still find themselves washing dishes or hopping on the line, he’s not used to standing still.

“I guess I’m in bulldozer mode,” he says. “Every day, I can’t believe the restaurant industry is gone; it’s vanished, and what is it going to come back as? I’m trying to figure out how to readjust, because the whole model has been turned upside down and put in the recycling machine. I worked 30 years and lost it all in 24 hours.”

from Eater - All https://ift.tt/34JRzQn https://ift.tt/3adfJ74

The idea of comfort food has become a cliche, but for those working the front lines at hospitals, a well-prepared meal makes all the difference

One afternoon in late March, the chef Josef Centeno made 100 enchiladas. First, he simmered 10 pounds of chicken thighs in an improvised Japanese-style curry made with chorizo spice, yuzu kosho, dried chile powder, and dashi, while on the side, he grilled bolting cauliflower from a local farm. Then he warmed corn tortillas in hot oil and became a one-man assembly line, filling them with the curry and laying them seam-side down on the full-sized sheet pan. Finally, a blanket of fontina and Tex-Mex cheese turned the enchiladas brown and crispy in the oven.

This motherlode of enchiladas was handed off to some friends who took them to a doctor at Cedars-Sinai. There were 61 new cases of the novel coronavirus reported in Los Angeles County that day; the hospital had just set up a triage tent outside. “It’s gonna start getting bad I’m afraid,” Centeno texted me. The things he was hearing made him want to help, so he did the thing he knew how to do: cook.

Centeno was one of the first chefs in Los Angeles to close down entirely after the city ordered restaurants to shift to takeout and delivery only. While operating in takeout mode, he returned again and again to the question of the virus, and how easily it was spreading — it was safe for the people ordering, but less safe for the staff making their way to work every day. “I would feel terrible for the rest of my life if I was having people work, even though everyone wanted to work, if they went home and got their grandmother sick or son who has asthma sick,” he says. “I told everyone to file for unemployment [right then], because by [the following] week, it was going to be a shitshow.” Many of his employees were able to get unemployment, before, yes, everything became a shitshow. “Every day, we find out a little more, and it’s a little bit worse.”

The day after he decided to close, he gave away produce and extra cooked food to staff and friends, first from his restaurant Amacita in Culver City, and later from his four restaurants clustered in downtown Los Angeles around a corner he’d remade starting in 2011. Centeno was already cooking big batches of his ranchero chicken to give away, and when he heard about the doctors, nurses, and staff working endless shifts as they treated COVID patients and prepared for the oncoming wave, he wanted to provide food that could, even for a moment, transport hospital workers out of the crisis they were facing. “Restaurants have always been an escape, and that’s what I know how to do.”

After that first batch of enchiladas, Centeno started cooking by himself twice a week with a nonprofit called Dine11, one of the many charities that have popped up to feed hospital workers in Los Angeles. Dine11 was started by longtime friends and collaborators, actor Lola Glaudini and costume supervisor Brooke Thatawat, who had friends in the restaurant and hospital world and saw they both needed help.

Centeno’s prep work for a batch of meals designated for hospital workers

Unlike some of the bigger nonprofits, which are sending massive meal orders to the city’s best-known hospitals, Dine 11 doesn’t work with chains or big restaurateurs. Instead, its focus helps mom-and-pop restaurants and some smaller restaurant groups bring in enough money to survive the citywide shutdown, while sending food to the smaller hospitals in Los Angeles that are missing out on larger charities’ attentions. Dine11 uses the money it’s raised to place a takeout order at a small local restaurant, which boxes it up according to hospital safety protocols. The restaurant puts the food in the trunk of a volunteer driver, who takes it to the hospital. Then, the volunteer texts their contact at the hospital, who picks it up from the truck without any contact.

Glaudini says restaurants are finding Dine11 organically; she’s getting 20 to 30 emails a day from people who want to be involved. For many smaller restaurants, the kind run by families or people who would call themselves cooks, not chefs, closing down doesn’t feel like an option. Dine11 can’t keep them in business long term, but it can give them a lifeline of another week. And every restaurant Dine11 works with is required to adhere to safety standards (masks, gloves, frequent wiping down of containers and surfaces) that help keep workers safer, too.

Centeno cooks meals for Dine11 in between designing face masks for friends and family and custom-dyeing garments he’s selling to raise money to keep his workers on their health insurance. He uses donated vegetables from Thao Family Farms, his own dwindling stock of ingredients (like an order of eight 22-pound bags of rice he placed right before the pandemic hit), and whatever else he can get his hands on. He cooks alone, because he believes that’s the only safe option right now. “It’s been kind of Zen,” he says. “I’m just by myself, listening to music.” Centeno isn’t taking money from Dine11 for himself or to cover ingredients; the founders say he’s asked them to donate the money directly to the GoFundMe he set up for his employees. To cover the restaurants’ last payroll, Centeno dipped into his personal savings fund, which he is relying on as long as his restaurants remain closed.

For the takeout meals, Centeno is mixing Japanese and Tex-Mex flavors, which he says work surprisingly well together. A recent rice bowl came together like this: ground beef from the freezer, which he stewed with dashi to make a picadillo, plus mustard greens and kale from Thao Farms cooked with Peads & Barnetts bacon, served over brown rice. Centeno topped the bowls with shaved fennel and pistachio dry salsa. Even though he was working by himself, and not in the rush of service, he still has been running behind. “I did a lot better than the week before, when I was like an hour late.”

The idea of comfort food has become a cliche, but the emotional succor a well-prepared meal can offer is real, especially in times of true need. Medical workers need to eat, but what they really need is to feel supported, and that’s a role meals made with precision and creativity like Centeno’s can play. “Our responsibility as culinarians is to take care of people,” Centeno says.

Katy Kinsella is an emergency physician at Kaiser in Panorama City and a friend of Dine11’s co-founder Thatawat; her hospital has received several deliveries from Dine11. At the hospital, according to Kinsella, workers are anxiously waiting for the pandemic’s peak to hit in Los Angeles. Kinsella’s hospital is seeing COVID-19 patients on a daily basis, anywhere from four to 18 a day, many of whom come in very sick. “It can tax the lungs and they end up getting pneumonia; once they end up with a breathing tube, they don’t do well,” Kinsella says. “There’s no infectious disease that we’ve had here in the United States that’s felt anything like this. You can’t help but think, that could be me.” Friends at hospitals in New York and Detroit are completely overwhelmed. Kinsella worries for them, and for herself; she worries she might carry the virus home to her family. The food that comes from Dine11 fuels a long and harrowing shift, but its emotional impact is much more important. “It’s just nice to know that people care and recognize what we’re doing.”

The fear of what the pandemic might bring doesn’t stop Kinsella from showing up every day; she’s proud to do her job. What a meal prepared by a chef or local restaurant does is create a sense of normalcy — that care that Centeno wants to convey. “When we have to give people bad news, we feel it too. Having a meal and feeling the support of our community makes us feel like we’re not in it alone.”

Kinsella says she likes getting food from Dine11 because they’re building a model to support local restaurants, which she knows are hurting. “Food is my favorite thing in the world, and it’s weird to have all these restaurants closed,” she says. “We were trying to support local restaurants with takeout, but it’s not the same thing.” Glaudini and Thatawat believe that boosting the morale of health care workers is essential, but they know there are lots of groups out there feeding hospitals right now. They’re trying to focus on making sure the efforts help restaurants, too, whether that’s by partnering with places that are really in need or having delivery volunteers so the restaurants can keep all of the money, rather than giving a delivery service a cut. “We want to spend our money where the need is greatest,” Thatawat says. “And that’s the smaller businesses and local businesses that we love.”

Centeno does not know if the cooking is helping him cope with the collapse of his industry, but he does find meaning in feeding those who are putting their lives on the line. He knows he’s not alone in struggling right now — he sees it happening to every single one of his peers. Like a lot of other chefs who own a small enough number of restaurants where they occasionally still find themselves washing dishes or hopping on the line, he’s not used to standing still.

“I guess I’m in bulldozer mode,” he says. “Every day, I can’t believe the restaurant industry is gone; it’s vanished, and what is it going to come back as? I’m trying to figure out how to readjust, because the whole model has been turned upside down and put in the recycling machine. I worked 30 years and lost it all in 24 hours.”

from Eater - All https://ift.tt/34JRzQn via Blogger https://ift.tt/2VccsR4

[cassercole]

the one where he has a kid (pt. 4/?)

SHIP: Q PROCTOR/STEVE ROGERS (QUEVE), PROCTOR-ROGERS FAMILY FEELS RATING: TEEN WORD COUNT: 2,572 PROMPT: INSPIRED BY @emiliachrstine‘s DRABBLE // An AU where Steve doesn’t know he has a teenage daughter. TAGGING: (permanent tag list): @whindsor @fraysquake @elenacarinandherfandoms,@peplumsandpitches, @editsbyjenny , @sgtbuckyybarnes​ , @chuck-hansens, @luucypevensie​ (those who encouraged it): @thegalanerd (WANT TO BE ADDED TO THE TAG LIST?)

( PART ONE ) ( PART TWO ) ( PART THREE )

Once the area was deemed safe and the evacuation buses had arrived, they started moving people out of the tents. For as often as these types of things happened, Bonnie would’ve thought they’d be a lot smoother than the chaos that was currently happening as people pushed and shoved to get onto an evacuation bus. She decided to wait for a bit till it calmed down, in no real hurry since there were no more imminent threats. 

Getting to her feet, a sharp stabbing sensation went through her lower abdomen. She groaned in pain, doubling over and clutching her side. Her shirt was damp like she had spilled water on it but when she pulled her hand away -- it was stained with red. The edges of her vision began to turn black as the room tilted like one of those rides her mom dragged her on when the carnival was in town. 

“Is everything okay?” she heard a distant voice ask, but she couldn’t remember how to reply. For the second time that day, she passed out -- crumpling down and hitting the ground with a thud. 

Steve was busy helping with getting people sorted and onto the correct evacuation buses when he caught sight of a medic carrying out an unconscious teenager from the tent. Even if he had just met her, he would know his daughter anywhere. His heart leapt to his throat and started pounding rapidly with a fear he didn’t know he could have. Moving through the crowd, he got to where the medics were strapping her onto a stretcher and then loading her into an ambulance. 

“Is everything okay?” he asked, glancing over his daughter’s frame and finally noticing the blossoming blood stain that was forming against her soft pink tanktop. It had a yellow star in the middle of it. 

“Something must’ve lodged in there during the battle and we must’ve missed it.” the medic explained. 

“Yeah, clearly.” Steve snapped out with a glare, a protectiveness for the girl coming out that he didn’t know he had until then, “Where are you taking her now?” he asked climbing into the ambulance with them.

“City Medical, sir, but--” the medic started to question or comment about his decision to come with them only to have Steve cut him off with a serious look that made it clear he wasn’t leaving. No one argued with him; he was Captain America after all. 

But despite being Captain America, he was still forced to sit in the waiting area. It was excruciating to do so and he found himself pacing the length of the area, one hand on his hip, the other rubbing over his chin. He kept glancing to the double doors they had taken Bonnie through, hoping each time he did that she would be coming through -- perfectly fine. 

Except the only person who came out was a doctor of some sorts, more legit than the medics at the triage area. He explained to Steve how a small piece of debris got lodged in her abdomen and how she must’ve been on so much adrenaline that she didn’t notice the pain at first. He continued by telling him that she would need surgery to extract the piece and make sure there was no internal bleeding.

“Do you have any contact information for her?” he finished with a motion of his hands, “Even just a last name would be helpful in trying to contact her parents.”

“I’m her father.” Steve answered without even thinking. A look of surprise flashed over the doctor’s face. Why wouldn’t it? No one knew or even expected Captain America to have a seventeen year old daughter. 

Still, he was smart enough not to ask any further questions, just nodded and directed him to sign some consent papers. After the doctor disappeared through the double doors, Steve settled himself down on one of the chairs. He was reminded that he should probably call Q and tell her what happened. If only he had a phone...Glancing over at the backpack of Bonnie’s things that the EMTs had left with him, he spotting her phone sticking out of her front pocket. That would work.

“Hi, baby, I just got the notification that the evac buses are leaving.” Q answered her phone while gathering up her keys and wallet, “I’m on my way, I’ll meet you there okay?”

“Q, it’s Steve….Rogers.” her husband’s voice came over the other line instead of her daughter’s. Following with their last name as if she knew other Steve’s who would be calling her from her daughter’s phone. 

“Steve? Where’s Bonnie?” she asked, tone dropping the cheeriness it originally had when she thought it was her daughter.

“She’s...we’re at the hospital --” 

“What?!” Q cut him off, heart jumping to her throat, “What happened? What hospital? Let me talk to her.” 

“I can’t -- she’s in surgery. They found a piece of debris in her abdomen. No one caught it when they were first checking her out, but she’s in surgery now.” he tried to reassure her, using the voice he used whenever he was placating someone stuck in the middle of an attack or whenever she was freaking out over the DVR deleting their House Hunters episodes. 

“What -- I -- oh my God.” she breathed out, pressing a hand to her forehead, “Are you sure she’s going to be okay?” 

“They have her in surgery right now, but we won’t know more until after.” he repeated though continued with the same tone, not wanting her to freak out even though she already was. 

“Fuck, okay, fuck.” she looked around herself as if searching for something she already had in her hands, “Okay, I’m on my way. What hospital are you at?” she asked and he relayed the information.

“Be careful. It’s a fucking nuthouse out there right now.” he referred to the alien attack that landed them in this situation in the first place. She agreed that she would be, then told him she would be there in two hours. “I’ll be here till you get here.” he promised her, hearing her pause on the other line.

“Thank you, Steve.” her voice was soft and his heart became heavy at the way there seemed to be much more meaning behind it. 

“Of course.” he nodded even though she couldn’t see him. They hung up shortly afterward and Steve slipped Bonnie’s phone back into her bag where he had found it. 

Curiosity tugged at his fingers. Her backpack probably contained so much he could use to learn about her. About his daughter. All he had to do was unzip the thing. He stared at it for a long moment, the soft yellow material reminding him of Q’s favorite color, but then forced himself to look away. No, he wasn’t going to snoop on his own daughter. That wasn’t right. 

Instead he tried to calm the anxiety that was currently running through his veins. Both at the thought of seeing his wife again after learning of the huge secret she had kept from him and from the fact that his daughter was in surgery because he couldn’t protect her when she needed him most. 

Time passed slowly. Slower than it ever had for him. There had been times where he had wished time had slowed down -- so he could enjoy the moments he had left with his wife before he had to leave. There had been times where he had wished time moved faster -- so he could get through all that standing in between him and home. This was one of these times. He couldn’t deal with the ever growing anxiety that kept mixing with small bursts of anger toward his wife. He felt like he was going insane. 

At one point, Bonnie’s phone trilled with some loud pop song Steve had never heard before, but had been clearly assigned to Q as her ringtone. When he answered, Q was already steamrolling over him before he could say hello. Traffic was terrible, multiple accidents, she wasn’t going to be there for a while, but could he please stay so Bonnie wasn’t alone when she woke up?

And she wasn’t. Bonnie couldn’t immediately tell who was in her room, but she could make out a figure sleeping in the chair opposite of her bed. The tv was on, but it was muted. The blinds on the window let a setting light spill through telling her it was still the same day, just a little later. Or at least she hoped so. She blinked, letting things come into focus more and seeing that the figure sitting in the chair was actually…

“Captain America?” she mumbled out, tongue feeling heavy. Somehow he managed to hear her, waking up a bit and then fully waking up once he realized her eyes were open. He slid forward on his chair, planting his elbows on his thighs and giving her a warm smile, “What happened?” she asked, regaining normal function of her speech abilities. 

“Hey, Bonnie.” he greeted her warmly, no signs of sleep coating his voice, “Your mom will be here soon. How are you feeling?” he asked, glancing over at the monitors she was obviously hooked up to. 

“Like I got stabbed.” she grimaced, feeling a tightness on her side when she tried to shift in the bed. He let out a small laugh and raised his eyebrows.

“Pretty accurate.” her brows furrowed, hand sliding down to her side to feel what was going on there,

“Wait, did I get stabbed?” she asked, not really remembering what happened that landed her in the hospital. Luckily, Captain America filled in the blanks. When he finished explaining, she let her head bob slowly in a nod, taking a look around the recovery room she was in before her eyes settled on his, “Why are you here?” she’d never heard of any of the Avengers taking people to hospitals and then staying with them until they were better. A part of her thought it was weird, a bigger part felt special and important. He opened his mouth and then shut it as if trying to come up with an answer. 

“I told you mom I’d make sure you’d get home safe. You aren’t home yet, are you?” he asked with an almost knowing smile. It almost reminded her of her mom, but she shook it off, thinking she just missed her mom. 

“Yeah, I guess.” she took in a breath and then shifted up on the bed, still a bit unsure of his answer. He clasped his hands together and changed the subject.

“Is there anything you need? Water or anything?” he asked with a raise of his eyebrows. She shook her head, telling him she was okay, “You’re a tough cookie, you know that?” he asked with a slight smile. She managed a snort and then coughed, then winced in a bit of pain,

“Thanks. I try to be.” she responded before pausing, only to follow up with, “I’m pretty sure my mom’s gonna kill me though.” He sat back in his chair and waved his hand in the air a bit, 

“No, she won’t.” he answered rather confidently for someone who had supposedly never met Bonnie’s mom, “I’m sure all she’s worried about is that you’re okay.” he assured her, matching her small smile with one of his own.

“Hopefully,” she glanced down at the blanket covering her, letting her fingers play with it, “She can be a little tough sometimes.” Steve couldn’t help but smile to himself because oh he knew. “This is so weird.” he heard her mumble after a moment. Her eyes flicked to his, realizing she had said it out loud. A blush not unsimilar to the one that he had seen color Q’s cheeks tinged hers, “Just the fact that you’re here. In my hospital room. After saving me -- twice.” she reminded him and he let out a soft laugh, “I don’t know,” she tilted her head back against the pillows, “I mean, I’ve learned a lot about you in school...and...now you’re here.” she gestured to him before sighing, “Like don’t you have more important things you’d rather being doing like saving the world?” she asked, not realizing that the moment he found out that she was his daughter, she had become his world. Still, saving face, he let out another laugh and let his hands fall onto his lap.

“I learned a long time ago that sometimes all you can do is save one person.” he didn’t mean for it to come out so serious, but it had. She nodded thoughtfully and he could see another question forming, just as he always could with Q. 

“How do you do it?” she asked, locking eyes with him, “Be so brave like that?” his breath got caught in the back of his throat. He certainly wasn’t expecting her to get so deep, so fast. But he should’ve; she was Q’s kid after all. And besides, no one ever really asked him that question before -- and honestly, he wasn’t sure he had an answer. He wasn’t always that sure how he was able to do the things he did. 

“I’ve been told I’m kind of an idiot for it actually.” he settled with, trying to lighten the mood, but knowing his response was true. Q had told him countless times how much of an idiot he was being whenever he ran headfirst into battles. 

“Yeah, but you still do it.” she pointed out with a tilt of her head. He took in a breath and nodded, then gave her an amused smile, 

“You’re right, I do.” she paused for a moment, gathering her thoughts before summing it up.

“So it’s more about ignoring those people who call you an idiot so you can do the right thing?” a pang went through his heart at the thought that he had been ignoring Q for so long in order to do what he thought was right. He didn’t like to think he was, but they had a seventeen year old who he didn’t even know about so maybe he had been.

“Sometimes. And sometimes you gotta listen to the people you trust.” he kept eye contact with her and she nodded slowly before opening her mouth a bit, 

“That’s really wise.” she sounded like she was almost teasing him, but her expression remained neutral. He gave her a grin and stretched out a bit in the chair he was sitting in.

“Yeah, well, I’ve been doing this a long time.” he shrugged, making her laugh a bit.

“Right, what are you now? Like a hundred and twenty-six?” she raised her eyebrows up, “I mean, you look great. Not a day over seventy-one.” he fixed her with an unamused look, noticing how she tried to hide her smile in the same way Q did, “Forty-one.” she settled on, giving him a bit of compliment, “Hey, whatever you’re doing, it seems to be working out for you.” she raised her hands up, “You’re the world’s greatest superhero.” she reminded him. He took in a breath and nodded, not knowing if he agreed with the sentiment, but knowing that’s what a lot of people thought. 

“Well, thank you, but even I have things I’m still learning.” his gaze lingered on her. Like, for instance, how he had a seventeen daughter.

[tvmoviechristmas]

A Veteran’s Christmas (Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, 2018)

Good dogs are hard to come by.

Starring: Sean Faris, Eloise Mumford, Amanda Lisman, Jenna Weir

Plot Synopsis: Honorably discharged from the Marines, Grace is driving to Cincinnati, when her jeep breaks down, and Judge Joe Peterson offers his guesthouse until it’s repaired. As they spend time together they fall in love, but Grace worries Joe isn’t over his ex, Marnie, and Joe must decide if he should move to Chicago to be a District Court Judge. If he does, Grace sees no reason to accept a job heading the town’s Search & Rescue. Overhearing Joe talking to Marnie, Grace is brokenhearted, and leaves, until Joe unleashes a surprise that could make Grace stay in River Crossing forever. (x)

In My Humble Opinion: Here is the thing: I do not care much for veteran’s movies. Do I have a problem with them? Not particularly. But do the stories of veterans bring a particular sense of warmth and fondness in my heart? No. With that in mind, I do my best to skip Hallmark’s annual veterans propaganda peace, if I can. Last year, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries did me a solid and dumped their veterans movie right at the time the Thanksgiving premiere glut starts*, so I was able to just avoid it and write about the other new premieres instead.

This year though, Veteran’s Day was on a Sunday, and that gave me no choice-- I had to watch and write about it for the blog. So here I am... writing about it.... for the blog.

Does anybody remember Christmas with Holly? It premiered back in 2012 during a time when there was a manageable amount of new movies every Christmas season. It was cute! It was charming! I liked it quite a bit! 

I mention it here because the leads of Christmas with Holly where Eloise Mumford and Sean Faris, who had I haircut a had a lot of concerns about. In A Veteran’s Christmas, they are reunited and Sean Faris’s hair has improved drastically. It should be a dream of mine come true!

And in some ways it is: Mumford and Faris still have an easygoing chemistry that is perfect for Hallmark romances. I could watch them talk to each other in the most G-rated manner possible for hours.

I just wish the topics they were talking about weren’t so dull and repetitive. It feels like every conversation between the two just exists to remind us that 1) Eloise Mumford’s character worked in Afghanistan with a dog 2) the dog still is in the military and 3) Sean Faris might have a judge’s job lined up in Chicago! Who needs characters with personalities when a movie can just drill three plot points into your head instead--with a quick detour for church, of course,because what are we heathens?

There’s a particular kind of disappointment that occurs when a favorite Hallmark pairing reunites in a super dull movie. It just feels like a waste. So many Hallmark pairings are just random mix-and-matches of catalog models and 90s TV stars and chemistry is the least of concerns. Why can’t the bland, repetitive dialog be wasted on them? When a pairing works, they should get scripts that work too! It just seems fair... or at least a guarantee that I can enjoy one movie out of the 97 million that premiere each year. And don’t we want that? I want that!

Let’s do that next time instead.

*Stay tuned for next week when I give myself an aneurysm trying to triage the roughly 4859478390 new premieres. It’ll be fun for nobody.Send in an ask now if you’re desperate to hear my opinion on something! 

Watch If: You are sowing the seeds of justice on your farm, if you have a grown up car you keep hidden in your barn, or if you always swear an oath before lighting a Christmas tree.

Skip If: You don’t want your Christmas tree to be complex, if you would never enforce your mother’s speeding ticket, or if you think playing fetch is the highest purpose.

Final Rating: ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

If you like this blog, consider donating on my Ko-fi page!

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Please bombard me with Pining Sherlock fics. I need some.

You asked for it, you got it Nonny! This is literally my favourite trope in the entirety of existence. I have a tonne of fics, and I’m still sorting all of my bookmarks, so I probably still have more to add. I had SO MANY TO PUT ON THIS LIST, that I had to remove links to the authors, because Tumblr kept deleting all my links. So yes, over 150 fics here below, all from mostly Sherlock’s POV (@holmesthesociopath, this should help with your ask as well until I finish the list of Sherlock POV fics for you)!

Because I’ve been working on this list for over 6 months, please advise me of any broken links and I will do my best to find them again for you!

Get ready to have your face ripped off 🙃

I-J’S PINING SHERLOCK FIC RECS

SOFT AND FLUFFY PINING

Tap by doctorcaseyholmes (G, 896w || Fluff, Morse Code) – Sherlock finds an unobtrusive way to let out his feelings for John.

Dismantle the Sun by Mount_Seleya (T, 965 w. || John Whump, 3G, Angst, Grief) – After a gunshot leaves John in critical condition, Sherlock holds vigil beside his hospital bed, slowly unravelling as the night progresses.

Upon Reflection, Tenable Frippery by emmagrant01 (T, 1,299 w. || John’s Beard, First Kiss, Fluff) – John was, inexplicably, growing a beard.

But Love Is A Voice On The Wind by Snow (M, 1,832 w. || First Time, Meddling Mycroft, Texting) – Sherlock keeps getting texts from Mycroft with tips on wooing John.

Through A Glass by Mildredandbobbin (M, 2,012 w. || Voyeurism, Masturbation, First Kiss) – There is an adjoining door in the bathroom at 221B that leads into Sherlock’s bedroom. The door, from the bathroom to Sherlock’s bedroom, is made of three glass, semi-opaque panels. It has suddenly come to Sherlock’s attention that if he stands in exactly the right spot in his bedroom he can see through said panels, and more to the point, can see John.

The Marriage Proposal Negotiation by Goddess_of_the_Night (G, 2,161 w. || Dev. Rel., Possessive Sherlock, Insecure Sherlock, Fluff, First Kiss, Post Mary) – Sherlock hasn’t ever really done anything the traditional way, so of course it wouldn’t bother him to propose to John even though they’re not even dating. And the fact that John is already on a date with someone else when he decides to do it? Tedious.

A Symphony of Chemical Reactions by what_alchemy (T, 2,351 w. || Experiments, Est. Rel., Fluff) – Cooking’s just chemistry and time management. (Sherlock loves John so much it’s gross)

Assurance by belovedmuerto (T, 2,382 w. || Bed-Sharing, Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Idiots in Love) – It’s not so much the ‘you’re half-dead, you wanker,’ or even the broken ribs, the hairline fracture of the pelvis, the dislocated shoulder and knee, and the wrenched ankle.

Turbulence in the Sky by esplanade (T, 2,837 w. || Fluff, Pining, Anxious Sherlock, Love Confessions) – “But some things needed to stay secret. Or at least, that was what he told himself every time he lost his nerve.”

BBCSH ‘How To Save A Life’ by tigersilver (T, 2,784 w. || First Kiss, Angsty Schmoop, Requited Love) – Pining, requited, and unabated spates of ‘first kiss’ fluff. Post Mary, AU, mildly cracky. John lays a smooch on Sherlock’s nape in passing. The world does that thing it does when it wobbles and Sherlock practically falls off his own pins. Part 1 of ‘How To…’

On a Sunday Morning by SD_Ryan (G, 3,136w. || Fluff, First Kiss, Obsessive Sherlock) – Sherlock has a little problem. He can’t stop obsessing about John Watson. {{Note to Self: ‘Cheese Tease’}}

Because Blah Blah Blah Happy by cwb (E, 4,578 w. || Fluff, Cuddles, Kissing, First Kiss, Requited Love, Pining Sherlock) – John is entirely done with the milk situation and gives Sherlock a list of shit he’s pissed about. Sherlock sets out to make John happy. John is happy. Sherlock makes his own list. They are both very, very happy.

Confessions by crimsonwinter (T, 4,711 w. || Love Confessions, Fluff) – John and Sherlock finally confess their love for each other.

How Will I Know? by eragon19 (E, 4,895 w. || Pining, Love Confessions, POV Sherlock, Fluff, Sherlock’s Imagination, Papa Lestrade) – Here was the problem: Sherlock Holmes was completely and irrevocably in love with John Watson, and he had absolutely no idea how to tell him.

Telling the Bees by siennna (G, 5,174 w. || Fluff, Beekeeping, POV Sherlock, Love Confessions) – It took a beat of silence for the words to settle in, before both of them realized what John said. “You—” Sherlock started. “I—” John said at the same time. “Love me? You love me?” Sherlock asked faintly. Part 3 of sienna’s favorites

A Study in Intimacy by doodle (T, 5,183 w. || First Kiss, Virginity, Romance, Touching) – People don’t touch Sherlock Holmes, not like they touch other people. Then he meets John Watson.

the lingering taste of orange juice by darcylindbergh (G, 5,824 w. || Pining Sherlock, Fluff, Miscommunications, Humour) – Sherlock felt the familiar heat surge in his abdomen again at the touch: hope strung taut between head and heart as in all the quiet moments between them, when Sherlock sometimes got the clues all mixed up and thought maybe John felt something too. For once, Sherlock is the idiot.

Tease You Till You Come by phoenix089 (E, 6,090 w. || First Time, Clueless Sherlock, Texting) – Initially, Sherlock was rather put out by John’s lack of presence on the case. But then he starts to recieve pictures, several of them, of an unexpected nature. The case is forgotten rather quickly after that.

Onomatopoeia by aquabelacqua (M, 6,904 w. || First Time/Kiss, Frottage, Dirty Talk, Domestics, Word Kink) – Something is the matter with John. Sherlock is determined to figure out what it is. Mark his words.

I’m Pretty Sure This Changes Shit by cwb (E, 7,672 w. || Fluff, Cudding, Doctor/Patient, Accidents) – Sherlock finds increasingly ridiculous ways to get John to patch him up after hurting himself.

Matters of National Security by mistyzeo (E, 8,465 w. || Jealous Sherlock, First Time, RST, Idiots in Love, Frottage) – John starts dating a male client of Sherlock’s, and Sherlock can’t figure out why he’s so incensed about it.

A Terrific Soporific by antietamfalls (T, 11,269 w. || Bed Sharing, Sleepy Cuddles, Fluff, Insomnia, Experiments) – Sherlock, a long-time sufferer of insomnia, is forced to share a bed with John at a hotel while on a case. To his astonishment, he finds that spending the night next to John helps him sleep and becomes determined to maneuver himself back into John’s bed.

SLOW BURN WITH HAPPY ENDING

100 ways to say ‘I love you’ by Teatrolley (NR, 2,143 w. || Slow Build, Pining Sherlock, Fluff, Domestics) – In which there are a hundred phrases and none of them are “I love you.” Until they are.

The Sum of His Parts by CommonNonsense (T, 4,311 w. || Body Worship, First Kiss / Time) – There are eleven major organ systems in the human body. Sherlock knows about all of them to some degree, but none fascinate him as much as the ones that make up John Watson.

One Day Like This by nondeducible (E, 4,872 w. || First Time, Bed-Sharing, Romance, Fluff, Virgin Sherlock) – When Sherlock emerged from the bathroom, the sight before him nearly took his breath away. The only light in the room was the small lamp on the bedside table. John’s skin shone like gold, his hair like the purest silver. He was on his side, facing the empty part of the bed, his outstretched hands ready to embrace whoever climbed in next to him. Sherlock could imagine, just for a second, that this was their shared bed and he was coming back to settle into John’s arms.

Bread and Wine and Curry Once a Week by cwb (E, 8,737 w. || Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Stroppy Sherlock, Love Letters, POV John) – Sherlock asks John for relationship advice. Little does he know that it’s him that Sherlock is in love with.

Tomorrow’s Song by agirlsname (M, 24,645 w. || Post-TRF, POV Sherlock, Angst with a Happy Ending, Virgin / Repressed Sherlock, Love Confessions, Slow Burn, Pining) – How can he think a relationship with me would be a good idea? I am the sort of person to take a break from my life and when I come back after two years, I expect to find it exactly as I left it. In reality I find it shattered to pieces. (I actually equate you with my life. When did I start doing that?)

Triage by scullyseviltwin (E, 51,612 w. || Character Injury, Introspection) – Sherlock’s mind goes exceedingly, devastatingly quiet and gray-blank. When he speaks it’s through a thick haze, it’s through molasses, he’s so disconnected from the words that it may as well be the unconscious shooter speaking.

In the Dark Hours by hubblegleeflower (E, 51,639 w. || Friends to Lovers, Unreliable Narrator, Closeted Bi John, Angst, Miscommunications, Slow Burn, First Time, John’s Blog / Epistolary) – John, wounded and silent, drifts back to Baker Street for healing…and then goes home again. He visits, gets more upbeat, chattier, smiles, jokes… and still goes home again. Sherlock wants him to move back in - it just makes sense - but John shows no signs of doing so. This is the story of how John and Sherlock learn to say what needs to be said when they’re both so very, very rubbish at talking.

Bridging the Ravine by SilentAuror (E, 58,883 w. || Post S4, Couple For a Case, Bed-Sharing, First Times, Confessions, Awkwardness, Sex Trafficking) – Sherlock and John go undercover at Ravine Valley, a therapy centre for same-sex male couples in an investigation into a possible human trafficking ring. As they pose as a couple and fake their way through the therapy sessions for the sake of the case, it quickly becomes difficult to avoid discussing their very real issues. Set roughly six nine months after series 4.

Definitions by siennna (T, 101,528 w+ WiP || Fluff and Humour, Love Confessions, Romance, Snuggling) – Sherlock’s journey in defining his flat mate and stumbling through the muddled world of emotion. {{This feels complete; the chapter count is listed as ? but I feel like it is done}}

JOHN’S GETTING MARRIED

Fitting by thegingerbatch (G, 380w. || Angst, Hard Pining) – John and his best man get fitted for their tuxedos.

This Kiss by suitesamba (T, 731 w. || Humour, Drunkenness, Angst, Stag Night) – Stag Night - back at 221B - in a world where Mrs. Hudson doesn’t interrupt the guessing game with the client. Part 1 of The “This” Series

The Other Shoe by thewaitwasworthitlove - (NR, 1,053w || Angst, Unrequited Love, Post-Wedding) - Sherlock realizes how deep in love he has fallen for John. Only Sherlock Holmes would manage to be more shattered than crystal dropped on concrete.

The Signs of Loss by LitLocked (NR, 1,103 w. || Angst, Hard Pining, Hurts Like Hell) – Sherlock’s internal monologue after he comes back from the wedding.

Ode to a Well-Worn Chair by hogwartswitch (G, 1,274 w. || Post-TSo3, John’s Chair, Angst, Love Confessions, Mind Palace) – Takes place the night Sherlock left John’s wedding early. Why did he move John’s chair and where did he move it?

Bolt Holes by PostcardsfromTheoryland (T, 4,177 w. || H/C, Angst, Drug Mentions) – John asked, one evening, if Sherlock liked her. To which he grudgingly had to say yes, and John said he was glad. Because John was going to propose to her.

But Tonight You Belong to Me by esplanade (T, 4,296 w. || Fluff & Angst, Pining, Stag Night) – “You. It’s always you. John Watson, you keep me right.”

Velvet by headlessjess (G, 1,155 w. || Pining, Angst, Jealous Sherlock, Loneliness, Sad Fic) – It’s the day, the wedding day - John and Mary, getting married. And then there’s Sherlock, in pain and in love, without knowing how to deal with it.

The Light of Day by allonsys_girl (M, 7,297 w. || First Kiss, Angst, TSo3-Fix-It, Possessive Sherlock, ) – Rewrite of the end of Sign of Three. John actually notices Sherlock leaving the reception early, and chases after him. Angsty Johnlock. Happy ending, for sure. Part 1 of The Light of Day

TRF / HIATUS / POST-HIATUS

Goodnight (My John) by consultingcenturion (T, 1,073 w. || Angst, H/C, Pre-Slash, Goodbyes, Unrequited) – Sherlock says a silent goodbye to the one whom he loves most—who he knows he must hurt. Part 1 of Goodnight (My John)

In My Life (and dreams, you take my breath away) by Nina36 (NR, 2,847 w. || Post-TRF/TEH, Angst, Pining Sherlock) – The first time he had dreamt about John he had been in Peru. He had been “dead” a little over a month, squatting in a tiny rented room, the heat and the stains on the walls making him slightly claustrophobic. It had been a nice dream: John and he eating take away Chinese in their kitchen, a song coming from Mrs. Hudson’s radio downstairs, something about friends and lovers and how no one compared with him, his mind supplied in his dream.

The Death of Doubt by Gingerhermit (E, 6,584 w. || Alternate Canon, BAMF John, POV Sherlock, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Hurt/Comfort, Angst/Drama, Meddling Mycroft) – Mycroft asks for John’s help in rescuing Sherlock from his Serbian captors.

White Blank Page by SarahCat1717 (M, 11,936 w. || Post-TRF, Clever John, Reunion Fic, Pining Sherlock, Letters, Fantasies) – Post-fall, Sherlock is off eliminating Moriarty’s crime web. He finds he misses John. He can’t divulge that he still lives, but he placates his need to communicate with John and still feel a connection with him by sending him blank letters. But over time, this writing exercise lends itself to Sherlock exploring his feelings for his friend. What will happen when Sherlock returns to London and the man he has been “writing” to regularly for the past two years? NOT S3 compliant. Mary who?

TARMAC / POST-HLV

Clarity by socomessnow (NR, 1,283 w. || Unresolved Romantic Tension, First Person POV) – During-and-post-HLV piece tracking Sherlock’s thought process from his phone call with Mycroft to his return to the airfield. “John. John Hamish Watson. The sight of him right now, in this moment, is the most beautiful, the most surreal thing I have ever experienced: John—my eyes land on his, he’s looking back at me, and it’s beautiful.” Part 1 of Rifts {{ALSO PAINFUL. VERY VERY PAINFUL}}

BBCSH ‘Lament’ by tigersilver (T, 2,951 w.|| Implied Infidelity, Angst, Post-HLV, Canon Divergence) – When Sherlock is alone in the flat he still speaks to John Watson.

In the cherry blossom’s shade by Eliane (M, 3,934 w. || Post S3, First Time / Kiss, Sleeping Together, Pining / Obsessive Sherlock, Minor Char. Death) – This isn’t new. Sherlock has already done this – has gone through cities, and dingy hotels, and sleepless nights but it was different before. John wasn’t there before.They’re in this together.

The Engine by stitchy (T, 8,294 w. || Time Travel, Post-HLV, Sci-Fi, First Kiss) – Shortly after the events of His Last Vow, Sherlock has an opportunity to revisit the night of A Study in Pink and get some perspective on the destiny of he and John’s relationship.

Back to the Start by slashscribe (M, 14,088 w. || Sherlock’s Violin, Pining Idiots, Fluff, Domestics) – Sherlock hasn’t played the violin since John’s wedding (which is long since over), and when John returns to 221B, Sherlock relearns the violin as he and John relearn each other. Post S3 fic with an obscene amount of pining, idiocy, and attempts to pawn off tea duties.

At the Edge of Desire by philalethia (E, 16,375 w. || Post S3, Pining, Arse Worship, Humour, First Kiss / TIme, Sexual Fantasy, Awkwardness) – While helping John move back in to the flat, Sherlock discovers a strap-on among John’s things. He finds the discovery considerably difficult to move past.

State of Flux by Atiki (E, 24,655 w. || Sherlock POV, Slow Burn, First Kiss/Time, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Cuddles and Snuggles, Awkwardness, Insecure/Virgin Sherlock, Romance) – John’s marriage is over and he is finally back home (i.e. at Baker Street, where he belongs). Sherlock is awfully insecure and John is awfully hesitant, and they’re both awkward idiots, of course, but they figure it out. Many First Times happen.

Shallow Grave by SilentAuror (E, 32,672 w. || Romance, Angst, HLV Fix It, Infidelity, Pining Sherlock) – Starts as Sherlock’s plane is taking off at the end of His Last Vow. When he finds out that Moriarty is alive and that he’s being recalled from his mission, Sherlock decides that he should have told John how he felt before he left. So he walks off the plane and kisses him.

A Study In Auto-Signatures, Sniper Dolphins, and Sex Holidays by cwb (E, 32,690 w. || Case Fic, Post S3, Evil Mary, Dev. Rel., Honeymoon, Epistolary, Bottomlock, First Kiss / Time, Fluff, Secret Agents, BAMF!John) – John and Mary go on their sex holiday, and Sherlock is grumpy and pining about it. Part 1 of HOT DOLPHIN SEX

Pater Noster by SilentAuror (E, 34,256 w. || Case Fic, HLV+, Family Trauma, Sherlock POV, Villain Mary) – During the autumn that John is staying at Baker Street again after Sherlock was shot, he ruminates over the similarity between Sherlock’s shot and the one that killed his father when he was fifteen. Cold case meets series 3 fix-it. Part I takes place entirely within His Last Vow, Part II takes place starting at the end of HLV and continues after.

UNREQUITED PINING / UST / URT

I don’t mind by beltainefaerie (G, 221 w. || Angst, Stag Night, Heavy Pining) – Sherlock is more vulnerable than he pretends. Part 4 of Bel’s Tumblr Ficlets

Human Error by YakuzaDog (G, 571 w. || HLV Missing Scene, Angst) – Sherlock goes on a brief shopping trip.

The Hollow Man by HHarris (G, 639 w. || John’s Chair, Introspection, Sherlock’s Big Feelings™, Post TRF) – Still reeling from the apparent loss of his one and only friend, Sherlock returns to 221B for the first time after the events of The Reichenbach Fall.

Dismantle the Sun by Mount_Seleya (T, 965 w. || John Whump, 3G, Angst, Grief) – After a gunshot leaves John in critical condition, Sherlock holds vigil beside his hospital bed, slowly unravelling as the night progresses.

Sherlock’s soldier!John Kink is Getting Out of Hand by wendymarlowe (E, 1,247 w. || Secret Crush, Military Kink, Masturbation) – Sherlock’s got a secret kink. And a secret box where he hides his pictures of John in uniform. And a very, very secret crush on his flatmate.

Loving John Watson by Spark_Writer (T, 2,036 w. || Canon Compliant, Angst, Falling in Love, First Person POV) – You discover early on that you want him. Maybe even the very day you meet.

Perfect Solo by Itsallfine (E, 2,384 w. || Frottage, Fantasy, Sex Toys, Dirty Talk, Solo) – Sherlock couldn’t decide how he wanted to have John that night. (The one where Sherlock uses his box of sex toys to take himself apart in every way John might have him.)

Rescue by missilemuse (T, 2,574 w. || Fake Relationship, Sherlock Whump, Irene Helps Sherlock) - If this was the way Sherlock Holmes loved, it was no wonder why he had avoided the damned emotion for over half of his life. Part 6 of Reichenbach To Return [[this isn’t really Johnlock, but it is… it’s non-ad10ck ad10ck. You have to read it to understand. It’s SO good and painful, trust me. Sherlock!Whump and pining]].

Museums and Laboratories by RhododendronPonticum (T, 3K+ w. || Separation Anxiety, Worried Sherlock, Low-Key Pining) – If Sherlock’s kitchen was his laboratory, then his bedroom was his museum.

Atrium by kali_asleep (T, 3,460 w. || 5+1, Valentines Day, Fluff & Schmoop, First Kiss) – Five times Sherlock gave John his heart, and the one time Sherlock got a heart in return (literally)

In the Bleak Midwinter (A Canticle for Advent) by CaitlinFairchild (M, 3,476 w. || Angst, Injury, Missing Scenes, HLV Timeline) – In the autumn of 2014, Mary Watson shot Sherlock Holmes. This is what happened after.

Spoils of War by sweetcupncakes (E, 3,563 w. || Bottomlock, Military Kink, Comeplay, Anal) – John brushes his thumb over the gun’s slide, over the rear sight. Sherlock’s mouth feels too wet. He could lick John’s fingers, suck on them, bite down softly on that callus that is a direct result of John’s frequent need to handle the gun at all. Sherlock could do that, John might like it, really. Sherlock has been told his mouth is absolutely lovely.

Nineteen Seconds of Falling by EmmyAngua (T, 3,739 w. || Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Falling in Love) – Sherlock spends exactly nineteen seconds zoned out after John asks him to be best man. He retreats to his mind palace in the desperate hope of figuring out what he wants, unfortunately for him his mind palace is full of people who keep trying to give him advice.

Private Rituals by justacookieofacumberbatch (buffyholic) (E, 4,377 w. || Mastrubation, Anal, Light BDSM, Military Kink) – Sherlock has a very specific masturbation ritual, but what would John think of it?

The Dance Lesson by bittergreens (G, 4,596w. || TSo3 Missing Scene, Dance Lesson, Angst, Romance) – Sherlock teaches John to dip. Part 1 of Goodnight, Vienna

The Prize We Sought Is Won by deathfrisbees (E, 4,610 w. || First Time, Mild D/S, Oral, Military Kink, Bottomlock) – Sherlock’s in love, or in lust, or both–unfortunately, the object of his affections is not only his completely oblivious flatmate, but said flatmate would probably run screaming into the hills should he find out. John’s been invited to a wedding–unfortunately, the groom used to serve under him back in Afghanistan, and requests that John wear a uniform he’s honestly not sure he fits into. Unfortunately for both flatmates, Sherlock’s got a military kink the size of Kandahar and John wants to know if he actually can fit into this uniform or if his eyes are deceiving him. It goes from there.

Facade by distantstarlight (M, 4,715 w. || Fluff, John’s Beard, No-Shave November, Grumpy Sherlock, Clueless Sherlock) – Sherlock is highly irritated with a challenge John has agreed to undertake. Why does he need to grow a beard anyway?

Better Than Fiction by Irrevocably_Sherlocked (E, 6,813 w. || Pining Sherlock, Sherlock’s Imagination, Masturbation, BJ’s, First Time / Kiss) – …he opens his eyes, but instead of seeing John he is staring at his bedroom ceiling, the pale plaster a startling contrast from the scene in his head. It had felt so real. He can only imagine what the feel of John’s lips would be like, his taste. But luckily for him, he thinks with a smirk, he’s always had a brilliant imagination.

All the Times Something ALMOST Happened by allonsys_girl (T, 9,049 w. || Angst, Canon-Compliant, Friendship/Love) – John and Sherlock dancing around what they dance around in canon.

The Painted Man by jinglebell (E, 9,894 w. || Tattoos, Scent / Tattoo Kink, Rough & Tender Sex, Fluff and Smut, Obsessive / Jealous Sherlock, Touch Starvation) – Here stood John Watson – middle name, Hamish, ex-RAMC captain and field medic, favourite brand of jam: Duerr’s, preferred toothpaste: Mentadent. Loyal, steadfast, interesting John had just done the most unpredictable thing merely by being. John’s body was covered, neck-to-waistband, shoulder-to-elbow, in tattoos.

Someone I Love by hudders-and-hiddles (M, 10,002 w. || Canon Compliant, HLV-Filler Fic, Pre-Slash, Jealous John, PIning Sherlock, Angst & Fluff, UST/URT, Dog Tags) – John gets married and Sherlock finds comfort in wearing John’s identity tags around his wrist.

Pattern Behaviour by SilentAuror (E, 14,835 w || Present Tense, POV Sherlock Pining Sherlock) – Sherlock doesn’t even know why he resents John’s dates so much. Until the day he does know. Slight angst, unrequited feelings (but don’t let that scare you off!)

Anytime by SilentAuror (E, 17,995 w. || UST, Porn With Feels, POV Sherlock, Romance, UST/URT, Happy Ending, Drunken Endeavors) – Sherlock blinks and attempts to focus. There is a little too much vodka in his veins at the moment and it’s having an unfortunate effect on his brain and retinas both. There are two Johns sitting across from him, and both of them are frowning at him.“You’re drunk,” the Johns tell him. Sherlock blinks some more. “Says the man with Mrs Hudson’s doily on his head.”

A Life Well-Lived by Kate_Lear (E, 20,121 w. || Original Male Character, Sherlock Woos John, Jealous Sherlock, Reluctant Bi-John) – John got scared off men by an abusive past relationship. Sherlock has to try and woo him while not scaring him off with protective possessive rage.

Love Is by SilentAuror (E, 21,508 w. || Angst, UST / URT, Post HLV, Romance) – At Mrs Hudson’s urging, Sherlock finally decides to tell John how he feels about him. Part 1 of Love Is

Brief Conversations with the Woman by May_Shepard (E, 21,906 w. || Pining, Love Fairy Irene, Filler Fic, UST/URT, Drug Use, Clueless Sherlock, Relationship Advice, Angst w/ Happy Ending) – Sherlock has a puzzle to solve, and his name is John Watson.

There’s Someone On Your Shoulder by halloa_what_is_this (NR, 41,215 w. || Pining Sherlock, Introspection, Daydreams, Sherlock Loves John So Much it Hurts) – Sherlock trips and falls head over heels in love, makes a lot of lists and stares, stares, stares. 

HEART-DESTROYING PINING THAT TEARS YOU A NEW ONE

Prayers by Jberry (M, 665 w. || H/C, Injury, John Whump, Fear of Death, First Person Sherlock) – Sherlock has never been a man who prayed.

Illuminating Worlds and Wastes Alike by Poedhamerons (G, 775w. || Post-TRF, Watching Over John) – There is a space of time between Sherlock dying and having to pluck apart the spider’s web. Sherlock spends it the only way he knows how. Part 1 of Stars

Goodnight (My John) by consultingcenturion (T, 1,073 w. || Angst, H/C, Pre-Slash, Goodbyes, Unrequited) – Sherlock says a silent goodbye to the one whom he loves most—who he knows he must hurt. Part 1 of Goodnight (My John)

Untouchable by greengrapegaze (T, 1,368 w. || Pre-S3, UST/URT, Oblivious John, Lonely Sherlock, Angst) – “He never would. Petty, childish, immature-bitter. Jealous. She had all that he wanted. All he could never have.” Part 1 of Steps to a Bittersweet Symphony

The Talons of Sentiment by dearcst (G, 1,463 w. || First Person POV, Angst, Unrequited Love) – I promised myself long ago I wouldn’t succumb to something so degrading, something so vicious. I promised I wouldn’t let myself fall. But that was before him. That was before I met John. In sleep there is such bliss and peace, and as John slept on my shoulder, it killed me inside to know I was so close yet I could never touch him.

Love and Bombs by Spark_Writer (T, 1,696 w. || Angst, POV Sherlock) – Love and bombs aren’t all that different, John. In the end, they’re almost indistinguishable. Part 3 of Human Error

Not Straight by IamJohnLocked4life (NR, 1,728 w. || POV Sherlock, Fluffy Angst, Happy Ending) – John moves back into 221B. Feelings come up. Happy ending.

Want by siennna (T, 1,806 w. || Fluff, Pining, First Kiss, POV Sherlock, Requited, Second Person POV) – When John speaks, you hear more than words. You hear the rise and fall of his tone, the comfortable quake of his laughter, the warm pauses of silence in between. When John laughs, there are stars glittering on his tongue and galaxies resting just behind his teeth, and you wish you could press your lips there and burrow into the warm sound. Part 6 of sienna’s favorites

The Battersea Bridge by pininglock (M, 2,585 w. || MCD, Angst, Grief, Unhappy Ending, Death Fic) – A life without John Watson isn’t a life worth living.

Green Carnation by glenien (T, 2,616 w. || Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Meta-Fic, Angst and Fluff, Communication, Post-TAB) – John takes Sherlock home. Part 1 of It’s No Longer Eighteen Ninety-Five

Turn the key, and come home by TooManyChoices (M, 2,718 w. || Angst/Humour, First Time/Kiss, Happy Ending) – Sherlock and John have been dancing around what’s between them for years. Will John return to Baker Street, and if so, will things ever be the same?

Let the Sun Fade Out by nothingislittle (E, 2,711 w. || Fluff & Smut, Praise Kink, PWP, Obsessed Sherlock, Bottomlock) – “He could warm the sun itself, Sherlock thinks, could heat their flat with just his presence, could brighten the room with one dazzling smile or just the sparkling in his eyes. John is everything, he’s beautiful and he shines, he’s everything.” {{Not really pining, but Sherlock is constantly missing and loving John, and it’s heartwrenching}}

All That I Have by the_arc5 (M, 3,721 w. || Post-TGG Canon Divergence, Pining Sherlock, John Whump, Anxious / Worried Sherlock, Light Angst) – In the aftermath of the Great Game, Sherlock finds himself with a new weakness. John is both the cause and the cure.

Last Christmas by Mazarin221b (T, 3,911 w. || Fluff, Pining Sherlock, First Kiss) – That Earth-shaking revelation, then, leads to a problem, and one that Sherlock realizes should be solved quickly, before John’s dates turn into girlfriends or boyfriends, because sometimes girlfriends or boyfriends can turn into wives or husbands while your back is turned. Every time John hums happily at the mirror as he shaves, splashes on a little gift cologne Mrs. Hudson bought him for Christmas, Sherlock is drawn back to that night by the fire, and the way John’s touch had made the world stand still.

Someone Else’s Heart by thisprettywren (E, 4,188 w. || First Time, H/C, POV Sherlock, Caretaking John, Pining Idiots) – A crime scene, a rainstorm, and something they both should have known all along.

Practical Johnkeeping by what_alchemy (M, 4,330 w. || Beekeeping, Aging, Gladstone, Tooth Rotting Fluff) – Sherlock predicts nectar flow the same way he deduces a murder, but he harvests the honey like John coddles the dog. (They are together but Sherlock loves John SO SO MUCH that it rips out your heart).

The Strait of Juan de Fuca by mightypog (T, 6,400w. || Angst with Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Vacations, Internal Monologue) – Sherlock is back and all seems forgiven, but something is missing between him and John. Their friendship initially appears intact, but Sherlock doesn’t understand why John seems to be slipping away. Finally, in terror, he tries to reconnect with John by taking him to the one place that seems to inspire any emotional interest in John any more: the Canadian wilderness. While there, Sherlock faces his greatest fear.

once upon a time by darcylindbergh (M, 6,501 w. || Fluff and Angst, First Kiss / Time, Love Declarations, Christmas) – It starts with a wish. In the beginning, John comes home. Part 1 of things fairy tales are made of [[they get together early, but Sherlock is SO in love with John he’s just constantly wanting him near]]

Laid Bare by esplanade (T, 6,529 w. || Romance, Fluff, Pining, Angst) – “I suppose it comes as no surprise that I always rather detested grand romantic gestures. They struck me as unnecessary and contrived, feeble attempts at desperately holding together relationships, most of which should have been allowed to fall apart.”

The T-Shirt Thief by allroadsleadbacktobakerstreet (T, 7,968 w. || Mutual Pining, Post Canon Fix It, Dev. Rel., First Kiss, Domestics) – Sherlock steals John’s t-shirt from the laundry. John catches him wearing it one evening, fluff ensues with an endeared yet teasing John?

On the Losing Side by missselene (E, 8,210 w. || Mild Dub Con., Anal / Oral, First Kiss, Angst, Pining) – After Mary’s death, John moves back into Baker Street, but is still upset at the loss of his wife and child. Eventually, he and Sherlock stumble into a sort of relationship, but it’s more physical than anything and they don’t talk about it. They especially don’t talk during sex. If they are going to have sex, Sherlock notices the signs hours beforehand, and he prepares carefully. The lights are off, they’re under the covers, he prepares himself using lots of lube so he can make it feel as much like a woman as he can, and he doesn’t let himself make any noise so that, if John wishes, he can pretend that he’s still with Mary.

Stay Awake by pandoras_chaos (E, 9,325 w. || BAMF!John, First Time, Angst, Pining Sherlock) – Sherlock can feel the tenuous threads of this conversation shuddering under the strain of all the unspoken words. His eyes narrow as he gazes up at John, noting the residual tension in his shoulders, the dark circles under his lower lids, and the way he is avoiding Sherlock’s eyes like a bi-polarized magnet. He knows John Watson inside and out, like the perfectly balanced coils and gears of a beautifully balanced grandfather clock, and yet John keeps surprising him. It’s uncanny, the way he keeps on being so utterly and wonderfully unpredictable.

Never Have I Ever by hudders-and-hiddles (E, 10,655 w. || Pining Sherlock, First Kiss / Time, Drinking Games, Love Confessions, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers) – John and Sherlock tag along for the Met’s weekly night out, where the evening’s chosen drinking game is Never Have I Ever. Sherlock is reluctant to join in until he realizes he can learn all kinds of new things about John, but he forgets that John might learn a thing or two about him as well.

The Most Luminous of People by liriodendron (M, 10,979 w. || Synesthesia, Pre-Slash, Developing Romance, First Kiss) – In which Sherlock Holmes finds out what it’s like to truly want something, John Watson isn’t too bad at deductions, and everything gets a bit bright for a minute. Part 1 of Conductivity

Praise Me by testosterone_tea (E, 11,813 w. || Sherlock POV, Bottomlock, Dev. Rel., Virgin Sherlock, First Kiss / TimeBJ’s, Anal, Praise Kink) – In which Sherlock has an interesting physical reaction to compliments and John discovers it.

The Slow Burn by CaitlinFairchild (E, 12,097 w. || Romance, Emotional Infidelity, Friends to Lovers, Sherlock POV) – John smiles, something small and private and for him alone, and Sherlock just…he knows. With a heart-stopping certainty, Sherlock suddenly knows.It feels like falling off the edge of a cliff. It feels like falling off the edge of the world. It feels like flying.

And if you say the word, I could stay with you by CaitlinFairchild (E, 12,842 w. || Domestic Fluff, Dirty Talk, Anal, Fluff and Smut) – What Sherlock thinks is, On the day I die, be it in a dirty alley at forty or in my bed at eighty, the last thing I will remember is tonight, the way you looked at at me on the snowy pavement, cheeks pink with the cold, breath puffing in frosty white clouds, your heart in your eyes and snowflakes in your hair. I will remember that single perfect moment in my life, that moment I knew I had everything I ever wanted, and whatever happens next, I will die content. What he says is simply, “Marry me.” (they’re already together in this, but Sherlock’s love for John is SO MUCH that it feels like he’s always pining for John).

The Meaning of Sacrifice by arts_and_letters (T, 14,101+ w. || WIP, Angst, H/C) – Sherlock has risked life and limb to protect John Watson, sacrificing his freedom and safety to fulfill his last vow. When Sherlock comes back bruised and battered from his second exile, will John’s love be enough to help Sherlock heal? And will John ever know the truth behind Sherlock’s enigmatic farewell?

Barricade by stitchy (M, 14,127 w. || Friends to Lovers, Angst, Happy Ending, UST, Mary’s Not Nice) – Sherlock has been struggling to keep his feelings at bay for everyone’s sake. Part 1 of Barricade

Second Chance by SilentAuror (E, 15,816 w. || Post-Divorce, Friends to Lovers, UST, Romance) – Now that John’s divorce has gone through and the dust is settling, Sherlock thinks that he would very much like to see if there is any possibility of moving their friendship in another direction. The only thing is, he has no idea how to go about doing that…

Let’s Make a Bed Out in the Rain by theimprobable1 (M, 17,664 w. || Pining, Angst & Fluff, First Kiss, Unrequited) – John is devastated after his long-term girlfriend leaves him. Sherlock helps him through it.

A Shipless Ocean by myswordfishmind (M, 22,135 w || Post-TRF, John has a Kid) – Ten years after the fall Sherlock goes back to London to find that John no longer lives there. Instead, he resides in a seaside town, a widower, and the father of a seven year old son. Now, Sherlock must struggle with the fact that there may no longer be a place for him in this new world.

Among the Secret Things by Kate_Lear (E, 26,073 w. || Angst, Drama) – Sherlock would be the last person to describe himself as given to flights of fancy, but at the look on Lestrade’s face he could swear that something inside him curls up and dies. Part 1 of Among the Secret Things

The Kissing Disease by cottonballz_of_death (E, 30,856 || Sickfic, Angst with Happy Ending, Case Fic, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Jealous Sherlock) – ohn brings home a boyfriend, shocking Sherlock, who long ago gave up hope that his straight flatmate would ever take a romantic interest in him. In a bid to reconnect with John, he tries to infect himself with a “harmless” virus. Neither of them is prepared for the emotional fallout that results.

The Yellow Poppies by SilentAuror (E, 34,952 w. || H/C, Nightmares, HLV Fix-It, PTSD, Trauma, POV Sherlock, Doctor John) – Sherlock is threatened and assaulted in the hospital immediately after having been shot in the heart, first by Mary, then by Magnussen. As he recovers at Baker Street with John and plans the attack on Appledore with Mycroft, he fights to work through the trauma caused by these two visits. Set during His Last Vow. (not much pining but Sherlock relies heavily on John and it rips me so hard)

A Promise Made to Be Broken by PlantsAreNeat (E, 37,018 w. || Fake Relationship, Pining, Slow Burn, RST, Eventual Relationship) – A young John makes an ‘if we’re still single at 40, we’ll get together’ pledge to a woman who ends up all wrong for him. She keeps reminding him of the promise, and won’t let go of it. John asks Sherlock to pose as his boyfriend at a family wedding, so as to dash her hopes permanently. Sherlock, who has at last acknowledged his feelings for John, reluctantly agrees despite knowing how painful it will be to ‘have’ John, but not keep him. (This one is SORT OF mutual pining, but it’s mostly from Sherlock’s POV with each chapter starting in John’s)

Not Broken, Just Bent by Schmiezi (E, 87,585 w. || Heavy Angst w/ Happy Ending, S3 Fix-It Fic, Love Confessions, Hurt/Comfort, Mary is Not Nice) – “For a second, I allow myself to remember teaching John how to waltz. For a second, I allow myself to love him deeply. For a second, only a second, that love reflects on my face.”

MUTUAL PINING

[[SEE ALSO: Fake / Pretend Relationship Fic Recs || Jealous/Possessive Sherlock || Bed-Sharing || BedSharing Pt. 2 and Insecure Sherlock || John Realizes How Important Sherlock is To Him]]

His (Again) by patternofdefiance (M, 820 w. || Fluff, John Comes Home) – John wonders how he had never seen this before, never noticed before, how happy Sherlock can look, and also how lonely.

And Then I Fall by sherlockholmes_doctorwatson (G, 973w. || Angst, Unrequited Love, POV Sherlock, Reichenfeels) – He was right. Falling is just like flying.

In Dreams by Youarethelightoftheworld (T, 1,339 w. || Fluff, Cuddling & Snuggling, Accidental Cuddles, Domestic Fluff) – Every once and a while, the dark makes it easier to see.

Unspoken by PipMer (T, 2,770 w. || John’s Missing Wed., Fluffy Angst, Mutual PIning, Pre-Slash, Missing Scene) – Sherlock wanted to test a hypothesis. About John. He wanted a question answered that he couldn’t just ask, at least not under normal conditions, because John would never tell him the truth about that.

Until the End of the World by SarahCat1717 (G, 3,049w. || Angst, First Kiss, Pining, Drunkenness) – Taking place in Season 3, John listens to an old favourite song and sorts through his memories and feelings about Sherlock and Mary.

First Night Out by verityburns (M, 3,251 w. || Romance, Christmas, Dev. Rel.) – As John recovers from the effects of a brutal kidnapping, he and Sherlock attend the Yarders’ Christmas Party. There are… developments on the dance floor…

Acceptable Behaviour by bbcatemysoul (M, 3,449 w. || Fluff, Dev. Rel., Miscommunication, First Time) – Sherlock isn’t really sure why John wants to shag him, but he’s certain that if he’s careful to behave properly about it, John can be persuaded to keep doing it. In other news, John is a good boyfriend and Sherlock is an idiot.

the things that comfort us by hudders-and-hiddles (T, 3,728 w. || Sherlock’s Return, H/C, John’s Jumpers, Post-TRF) – Sherlock takes one of John’s jumpers with him when he leaves to dismantle Moriarty’s network. One day, John notices it’s missing. Part 2 of Tumbling Hudders

nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands by miss_frankenstein (T, 3,988 w. || Kissing in the Rain, Angst With Happy Ending) – In which John and Sherlock finally confront their feelings for each other - as only they would do - in the pouring rain. {{FAVE!!}}

White Blank Page by Vanetti (T, 4,036 w.+, WiP || Pining) – John has been thinking about his flatmate quite a bit. What he doesn’t realize is that he has been on Sherlock’s mind, as well.

There’s Something Living in These Lines by teahigh (orphan_account) (M, 4,676 w. || Pining, Angst, Love Letters, UST, Dirty Talk) – Two men, complete opposites in almost every way, who speak only in letters and pages torn from books.

No Light, No Light (in your bright blue eyes) by orphan_account (G, 5,915 w. || Angst, Pining, Songfic, Mutual Unrequited Love, Unresolved Tension) – Relates to both Sherlock’s and John’s feelings for each other and highlights select moments of hurt and inner turmoil starting from right before the fall all the way to HLV.

Play for Me by nothingislittle (E, 6,105 w. || Ambiguous Ending, Scars, PWP, Masturbation / Hand Jobs, Angst, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock’s Violin) – John had shown up at Baker Street only one day prior, an army duffle slung over his shoulder, the expression on his face like a cracked and ruptured fault line. Sherlock stood aside, holding open the door, and let John ascend the stairs in silence, asking nothing of Mary, asking nothing at all.

Thirty Three Hours Without JohnWatson by Bookaholic, mybrotherharry   (M, 6,232 w. || First Kiss / Time, Pining Idiots, BG Mystrade, Crackish) – Sherlock can SO TOTALLY survive without John Watson. It should be a piece of cake.AKA the time when Sherlock braved grocery store lines for milk, purchased and gave away a box of tampons and figured out what the X-Factor is. Greg and Mycroft didn’t sign up for this shit. Next time, they are going to the Bahamas.

Correspondence by Cleo2010 (T, 8,031 w. || Letters, Friends to Lovers, Jealousy, Pining) – Sherlock’s been spirited away on a case for Mycroft. Part of the deal was that he and John could communicate via letter until the case was completed. Maybe the cliche is true, absence does make the heart grow fonder. Or perhaps something is growing on the feet in the fridge.Read their letters month by month. Written after series one.

We are all together alone by Mildredandbobbin (M, 10,461 w. || Mutual Pining, Implied Torture, PTSD, Child Loss, Post-S3) – John is back at 221B but his relationship with Sherlock is not what it used to be.

Just a Kiss by emmagrant01 (E, 19,695 w. || 5+1, Case Fic) – Five times John and Sherlock kissed because of a case and one time they kissed for real.

The Sexual Awakening of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson by suitesamba (M, 24,579 w. || Post-TRF, Case Fic, H/C, First Kiss/Time) – Sherlock owes Mycroft a favor. Mycroft calls in that favor by offering Sherlock’s consulting services in a charity auction. Sherlock and John soon find themselves at the country manor of Mrs. Ives-Patton Smarmington III - not very coincidentally a long-time friend of Sherlock’s mother - where they are reluctant participants in her Murder Mystery Weekend. It’s a play within a play for Sherlock and John, and their roles for the weekend event bleed over into their real lives, waking the sleeping dragons within.

Don’t Leave Anything Out by lookupkate (E, 27,422w. || Epistolary, Falling in Love, Misunderstandings, Alternate First Meeting) – The first letter John writes home from Afghanistan is meant to go to a woman he went on only one date with. How it ends up in Sherlock’s hands is completely innocent. What happens next is not. What do you do when you find out the person you’re in love with has been lying about something as monumental as who they are? What do you do when you’re the one who lied? How on earth do you put the pieces back together?

Hitting the Water at Sixty Miles an Hour by what_alchemy (E, 30,568 w. || Fake Relationship, Road Trips, Sherlock’s Family) – “You love your mother, Sherlock?”John watched the muscles in Sherlock’s jaw jump. He nodded in one sharp jerk.“Then we’re going to her party and making her happy.” John let out a resigned sigh. “As a ruddy couple, you bastard.” 

Five Times They Kissed for a Case, and One Time They Kissed for Real by fleetwood_mouse (M, 32,406 w. || 5+1, Slow Burn, Fluff / Angst, Mutual Pining) – A stolen ring! An artful blogger! And many more adventures for your enjoyment.

The Progress of Sherlock Holmes by ivyblossom (E, 62,006 w || Sherlock POV, Pining, Angst, Slow Burn, Infidelity, Sherlock Learns About Himself, Happy Ending) – Sherlock struggles with his feelings for John, makes a mistake, and learns just how important he and John are to each other. Non-BBC Mary / John, but it’s a *complicated* relationship.

Midnight Blue Serenity by BeautifulFiction (E, 151,907 w. || Friends to Lovers, Gay Bar / For a Case, Drugs, Pining, Case Fic, UST) – When Sherlock infiltrates a club in order to track down a serial killer, his altered appearance is enough to make John question his assumption that Sherlock is beyond his reach. However, is he the only one who appreciates his flatmate’s charms, or is Sherlock at risk of becoming the next victim?

ALTERNATE UNIVERSES

To Mend A Heart by dee-light (G, 1,472 w. || Magical Realism, Emotional H/C) – Hearts can be broken, and mended, and broken again. Good thing, then, that hearts are only the seat of all emotion, and not something Sherlock needs in order to live.

It’s After That Hurts by jonnyluvssherlock (T, 2,741 w. || Winglock || Soldier John, War Zone, Friends to Lovers) – Sherlock’s an angel stuck as a guardian to danger addict John Watson. Everything is fine until he gets too involved. Now he has to make the choice, eternity alone or one life time with a man who may or may not love him.

We Bleed into the Grey by QuinnAnderson (T, 4,989 w. || First Kiss, Supernatural Elements, Fluff & Angst) – It was stupid, really. What was the point of having an ability if it wasn’t even a useful one? Sherlock would just as soon be rid of his. Until he meets John Watson, that is.

Winter of Life by You_Light_The_Sky (T, 5,178 w. || Christmas, Fluff & Angst, Magic Realism) – It was an experiment, really. On Christmas, Sherlock wrote to Santa asking for a friend. He got a broken toy soldier instead. This is the story of how he finds him again and again.

The Heart On Your Sleeve by flawedamythyst (T, 5,441 w. || Soulmate AU || Sherlock POV, Heartmarks, Pining, Fluff and Angst, Semi-S1 / S2 Canon Compliant, Reunion) – Sherlock stared at the imperfect circle on his left wrist in horror, then sat down on his bed with a bit of a thump. After over thirty years, his heartmark was finally showing activity. This was not good.

Finding John by orphan_account (T, 5,456 w. || Soul Bond AU, Symbolic Rings, Soul Mates) – Sherlock Holmes has met exactly twenty-four Johns in his life. They have all been the wrong John. He’s getting tired of waiting, staring at the inscription on his finger and wondering when his John will turn up, if ever. Part 1 of Inscriptions

Not The Hands That Kill by You_Light_The_Sky (M, 6,201 w. || Winglock || Whump, Mentions of Drug Use) – Having wings does not make Sherlock Holmes a guardian angel, not in the way that John Watson is his.

I Used to Live Alone Before I Knew You by etothepii (T, 11,052 w. || Winglock) – Where Mycroft is an angel, Sherlock is a demon, and John is still John.

In A Changing Age by allonsys_girl (E, 15,590 w. || Victorian AU, Virgin / Demi Sherlock, First Kiss / Time, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, Mild H/C) – Sherlock wakes up in the 19th century, with no idea how he got there.

With All My Heart by QuinnAnderson (E, 19,257 w. || Red Marks / Soulmates || Magical Realism, Growing Up, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love) – AU in which every time a person falls in love, a red line like a tally mark appears on their wrist. Sherlock is determined to keep himself from ever gaining one of these marks for fear that love will corrode his mental faculties. Then he meets John Watson.

The Midas Touch by flawedamythyst (E, 32,231 w. || Magical Realism, John has a Magical Cock, Dub Con, Healer John) – John Watson has a medical condition that means everyone he sleeps with is instantly healed of all illness and injury. This causes complications when Sherlock breaks his arm, and even more complications when Sherlock falls in love with him. Yes, this is a story where John has a literal magic healing cock. It’s a lot less cracky than you’re probably imagining. Warning: Contains complex issues of sexual consent, although not between Sherlock and John.

[drferox]

20 questions with Dr Ferox #1

Greeting Vetlings. This post is an attempt to chew through some of the many, many questions I have received over the last 2 months without spamming you with two dozen mini post. These questions are in no particular order, and I’ve tagged the asker if I know who it is. If you’re waiting for a question to be answered, it might be below.

@surskitty​ asked: What are your favorite marsupials?

Well, I certainly have lots to chose from, but I’m particularly fond of the carnivorous ones. Numbats, Quolls and Tassie Devils will always be special to me, but I really like the extinct Thylacine and Thylacaleo too.

Anonymous asked: Hey so theres this theory that giving extremely dark chocolate in small amounts to a rat is helpful with the chronic respiratory issues endemic to rats bc of mycoplasma. What do you think about the accuracy of that scientifically? I came for the vet cases/ funny stories, stayed for both!   

I can’t say I’ve used it, but it’s not a standard recommendation. Rats being generalists may be able to handle the theobromine in chocolate better than small carnivores but I can’t find any solid data on it. Small amounts in moderation are probably ok.

Another Anonymous asked: Hi dr. Ferox, I'm planning on getting a gecko this July so that I have plenty of time to get set up and do even more research on them. One of the things that I'm curious about is if you would consider it a good idea to call around and ask some of the vets that I'm considering taking my gecko to see their level of familiarity and comfort with treating reptiles like geckos?  If so then what are some other things that I should ask them about? Thanks in advance!            

It’s definitely a good idea to call around and ask who is comfortable treating geckos, or any exotic pet. Most clinics will know who the local exotics vets are and are happy to refer such patients on. It would also be a good idea to ask which emergency clinics are set up for reptile patients, as some will have better setups than others. You should also ask how much you should budget for routine care and how often they recommend that species comes in for a checkup.

@zaryaisbae​ asked: I have an old Russian Blue (around 13ish, he's 100% indoors and declawed (adopted him that way) and probably a little overweight. He still seems to get around really well, and occasionally plays with the younger kitten we have. Given adequate care and accommodation, how many years would an average case like him have left? (Came for the rant on time sensitive questions, stayed for the excellent veterinary information)

Russian Blue cats can do old age quite well, for a relatively uncommon cat I’ve seen a few reach 18 years of age. I would recommend regular blood or urine tests for my patients of this age as early detected of kidney disease and hyperthyroidism can help them live longer.

Anonymous asked: I might be adopting a little doggy soon!!! She's a sweet australian shepherd/ spaniel cross and I love her. She'll likely become my service dog, but she's currently being treated for heartworm. Are there any long lasting effects of heartworms? Could it be recurring?

Dogs can certainly be re-infected with heartworm even after they’ve been treated for an infection. It’s important that dogs stay on preventatives as recommended by your local vet, they’re most likely to know what’s working well in your area. Heartworm is spread by mosquitoes so your dog doesn’t even need to come into contact with other dogs to get them. It is possible for heartworm infection to cause permanent damage to the heart or blood vessels, but this will likely depend on how severe the infection is. Once a dog is treated they may show no ill effects from the previous infection.

@petitevetoespagnole​ asked: Recently I realize that the idea of what a cat has to eat change a lot between countries. I know mostly it's because I work in a rural environment and I'm good as long as my French cats have cat food (and I'm happy if it's actually the type of cat food they need) but I thought it could be interesting to know what's your experience on this.

Emotion is a significant factor in what and how people feed their pets. Cats are more or less the same everywhere but how they are valued and perceived by society will differ. For some a cat will be their furbaby. For others a cat is ‘just a cat’.

@doctorrichardstrand​ asked: question tax: came for the breed analyses, stayed for the mythical creature analyses. we recently found out my miniature schnauzer has an abdominal tumor. we're not sure yet if it's benign or cancerous, nor where it is actually coming from. i was wondering what the rate of cancer is in miniature schnauzers? i had thought it was fairly low.            

Well, just because a breed doesn’t have a reputation for cancers doesn’t mean they can’t get them. They don’s seem to commonly get them, but it’s still possible. Overall the rate of cancer in dogs (not including benign lumps like lipomas) seems to be approximately 30%.

Yet another Anomymous asked: Do you see many Manchester terriers in Australia? What do you think of them if you've worked with them before 

Not enough to write anything meaningful about them, I’m afraid.

A presumably different Anonymous asked: I've heard mixed things from vets about mixing Baytril with baby food etc so my rats are more willing to take it. Some vets have recommended it but other vets have said it's unwise. (I've avoided mixing it just to be safe.) Is this a controversial thing in the vet community and why is it advised you don't mix it?            

I think it’s more a matter of being confident the rat has eaten the entire dose. The local exotics vets often use a particular brand of sweetened syrup to mix with baytril for rats and parrots. I don’t think it’s a controversial thing, so long as you can be confident the rat is getting the dose.

@its-animalcrazy-love asked: Hello! Do you now where I can learn to read a blood sample and other kind of lab tests?            

Well the vet course in the obvious answer. Certain text books about clinical pathology will have quick summaries. Certain medicine text books (Ettinger?) had charts on the inside covers for quick reference and the 5 Minute Veterinary Guide has reference ranges for just about everything in an appendix at the back. However knowing the reference ranges wont help you if you don’t understand why something is abnormal and what it means for the patient.

Anonymous asked: So noses don't tell anything but what about how soft the fur is? I've always heard that for cats, if their hair is soft and smooth, they're pretty healthy. Is there anything to that?

Not really. If the fur is soft and smooth it tells you that the fur is soft and smooth. Certain disease processes will cause changes to the coat and skin, but these typically take weeks or months to manifest and are not helpful for determining whether a pet is sick today.

@mackthebulldog said: The obsessive foot licking My dog does like crazy. I bring it up almost ever time I'm at the vet(I've seen 3 for it). It's so bad his paws will get like hairy almost because he's breaking down the paw. One vet put him on this medicine to try to help thinking he was licking because it was a bit inflamed and red. When it went away he still did. It's so frustrating. When he comes in I wipe his paws and put socks on when he licks too much. They think he's OCD, any advice on how to curb this behavior

Generally pets are licking due to itch, pain or psychological reasons like stress. Obsessive compulsive behavior is rare but does occur. We can’t ask a dog how it’s feeling, so typically need to treat any possible skin pathology, allergy or nail bed infection (yeast being very common) before we commit to a trial of behavior modifying mediation (like anti-depressants or anxiolytics). Covering up or blocking the dog from licking doesn’t necessarily help because it doesn’t address the reason for the behavior, and if you block an obsessive dog from performing its behavior it will often become distressed. Distraction toys or puzzle feeders can help, but most of these dogs need medical intervention of some sort.

An additional Anonymous asked: Do you do much work with wildlife? In the US, it seems like most people who work with wildlife are wildlife rehabilitators (who might be vets but usually aren't--it's a separate licensing process) or zoo vets, not general practice vets. (Although wildlife rehabbers usually have a vet that they work with, for medication and injuries and such--in my state, it's required that you have a vet who will work with you/see your animals--the majority of rehabilitation does not happen with the vet.)            

General practices in Australia will typically triage wildlife, and some will treat them further. Wildlife carers often have preferred vets they will go to for anything other than first aid because those vets are more experienced or have better equipment for those species (or give good discounts). You’re not actually allowed to house a wild animal unless you are a licensed career or the animal is receiving direct veterinary treatment, and most vets are not also licensed carers. In my current jobs I will do some work with wildlife, including euthanizing those that are too mangled or sick, and sending the rest to a better facility. In my previous jobs I have done a lot more, particularly as one vet at my first job had a reputation for being the ‘raptor vet’ so we got to see a fair birds of prey. This is why I know they’re easier to handle with a sock over their head.

@gram-stained-paws said: Rookie vet asking a silly question: how much water should a dog and a cat drink per day and at what point should it be considered polydipsia? What guideline do you follow when you establish it? I've read so many different answers to this question and I would like to know your opinion.

There is possibly only one thing that counts as a silly question, and this was not it. Opinions will vary, and the answer will vary depending on the animal’s diet and how much water it’s ‘eating’. As a ballpark I call it polydipsia if a dog is drinking more than 100ml/kg/day or a cat drinking more than 50ml/kg/day, although if they’re getting close to this number I’m a bit suspicious and will recommend further testing. And unexpected increase in water intake may also count as polydipsia.

The eighth Anonymous (but certainly not the last) asked: As a vet, or as an animal person, or as someone who just seems really into weird and cool and strange biology (and dinosaurs) do you have any thoughts on Jack Horner and his chickenosaurus?

I think the chickenosaurus project is fascinating, but I’m not sure how far it will get off the ground. I doubt they’ll be able to completely reverse engineer a dinosaur-like animal out of a chicken embryo because some genetic information has likely been lost, but they will probably be able to get some dinosaur like traits. I’m waiting to see how long it will take before those chickens reach the pet market.

@what-will-they-do-next asked: Hi! I know the pyometra is a serious, life threatening condition for intact female dogs, and is caused by the infection of the uterus which causes it to fill up with pus and rupture causing septic shock. But what I don't really know is what usually causes the initial infection of the uterus in the first place. Could you explain that? Question Tax: came for the vet science, stayed for the personal stories of real life events.

Infection can enter the uterus and cause a pyometra in one of two ways. It can either reach the uterus via the blood stream (eg septicemia, bacteraemia secondary to rotten teeth) or from bacteria entering via the vagina. The second way is probably more common, increasingly so with the age of the dog, because a dog spends most of its time with its anus directly above its vulva when standing so gravity helps bring fecal contamination in where it shouldn’t be.

Anonymous asked: Do you have any experience with allerpet products? I'm curious to know if they actually work and wether or not they're actually healthy to use on a pet. Particularly a cat.

They talk a good talk, and probably don’t do any harm, but aren’t proven to be any more helpful than a regular pet shampoo. I do note they also recommend that after the allerpet product is applied, the cat should be dried and they suggest a hairdryer. You are welcome to tell me how washing the cat and drying it with a hair dryer works out.

@missnoodliness asked: Saw you treated pocket pets (rabbits and the like). 1st year vet student here wondering if you had any good texts you'd recommend, anatomical or otherwise.

I printed all my uni notes and had them bound. I also reference the BSAVA Manual of Rabbit Medicine and Surgery, and Ferret Husbandry, Medicine and Surgery by Lewington, 2nd edition. Keep in mind there are not nearly as many ‘exotic’ animals kept in Australia as there are in the USA. We don’t even have hamsters.

Definitely not the last Anonymous asked: Why do octopus' have ink sacs?

Because they do. Evolution doesn’t have a plan, it just runs with what works. A little bit of ink goes a long way in obscuring vision in the water so an octopus can escape or hide.

And the last Anonymous of the day asked: Hi Dr! What's your favourite animal? Mine are bears 😊

I have lots of favorite animals. I even have favorite parasites (demodex). I really can’t choose just one for you, but some of my favorites include fossa, whale shark, kookaburras, tawny frogmouths, foxes, ducks and just about every domestic species.

[andymatuschak]

Satisfaction and progress in open-ended work

When we’re in execution mode, we swim in signs of our progress. A day’s work stands crisply in some endless checklist: four problems solved; three features added; check and check. Am I on track? Did I have a good day? Typical productivity advice applies: set goals; track progress; triage tasks. A checklist makes the day’s grade clear enough.

Working in this mode, it’s easy to feel satisfied at the end of a good day’s work… and (at least for me!) impossible to feel satisfied reflecting on a good year’s work.

Yes, all those tasks got checked off, but if you can easily reduce the work to a checklist, how groundbreaking can it be?

For more open-ended problems, much of the challenge lies in figuring out what to do next. These rich questions offer deep satisfaction on longer time scales, but without a clear sense of progress, each day ends ambiguously. Was today good? Will these tinkerings add up to anything? In what timeframe? Who knows. Ultimately: what structures around progress, self-correction, and operations can help us in open-ended mode?

These questions are intensely personal, but I hope that notes from my journey here may help your own.

Deontology and open-ended work

Creative disciplines from painting to research offer one fairly consistent piece of advice: butt in chair.

This advice usually emphasizes performing actions, since checklist-style productivity advice about achieving objectives applies poorly to open-ended domains. A novelist might begin their day by setting an action-oriented goal to write 1,500 words in a day, or to complete eight uninterrupted half-hour periods. An achievement-oriented goal like “finish writing a chapter,” would be too coarse to be helpful. To break down that goal further would itself require open-ended work.

I started here, journaling my daily time-on-task in pursuit of “deep work.” That structure can become an actionable checklist: e.g. “sketch for three hours from my earlier brainstormed mind map.” Longer focused working periods did help me accomplish more, but I still felt uneasy about the macro-level questions I’d been asking.

For instance, I often felt in hindsight that I’d spent those hours focused on the wrong things—and the vague sense that I could have known as much in advance. More worrying: those journaled hours said nothing about progress towards my true goals.

If I were to repeat my day, should I have sketched for three hours? Should I have sketched those ideas for three hours? Should I have sketched using some other method? Given the progress I’ve been making, should I continue down this path tomorrow or try some other route?

These questions aren’t directly answerable… but that doesn’t mean we should ignore them completely.

There’s an analogue here to deontological ethics, in which actions form one’s moral basis, not consequences. For example, some of deontology’s adherents would argue that a lie is never justifiable, no matter the consequences. Rightness comes from telling the truth because that’s what enacts an individual’s moral imperative.

Action-oriented “butt-in-chair” advice, taken too literally, has a similar bent: a focused creative session is a great outcome, even if all the work has to be thrown out at the end of the day. Success comes from focused work because that’s what enacts an individual’s creative imperative.

Yes, that discarded work often kindles the next day’s brilliant ideas, in the same way that truthfulness in the face of nasty consequences often leads to great outcomes. But that’s not always so; some discarded work is better than others; some sticky situations admit more truth than others.

We’d like to be able to tell the difference. Just as we must seek a more fluid ground in ethics (neither pure deontology nor pure consequentialism), we need more fluid approaches for our open-ended work.

Considering consequences

In open-ended work, goals around a single day’s outputs are misleading or ambiguous, but goals over weeks and months are more concrete.

A graduate student may not know exactly what to do on a given day, but they know that their thesis is due in six months. An artist may not know what to do on a given day, but they might know they’d like to have a gallery show by the end of the year.

Medium-term achievement-oriented goals can support error correction and provide feedback to action-oriented day-by-day goals.

For instance, say that I’ve been checking off “sketch for three hours”-type tasks every day for two weeks. I can reflect on the progress I’ve made in hindsight and compare it to my hopes for the following month. If I’d hoped to try a prototype in classrooms before the school year ends, and my sketches aren’t yet converging on a single idea, I might shift the focus of my creative work to depth over breadth. On the next day, I might choose my five favorite concepts, then set action-oriented goals around making them higher-fidelity.

If I’ve not generated many ideas despite endless diligent hours in the chair, I might shake up my methods, limiting myself to ten minutes per idea, or only allowing straight lines, or trying a different medium. If that doesn’t work, it might indicate I’ve reached an idea cul-de-sac. Time to backtrack.

This kind of planning-oriented thought can crush a more expansive, ideating mindset.

In the middle of my sketching hours, I don’t want to be worrying about whether I’ll be ready for my classroom prototype next month. Within a given day, action-oriented “butt-in-chair”-style advice does help; meta-thought is just distracting. But go too long without error correction, and you’ll misspend hours in the chair. Some separation is in order.

My current practice

I’ll outline my current approach now. It’s young and evolving, but I certainly wish I’d been able to read this a few years ago, so perhaps it will help some readers.

I begin each day by selecting some action-oriented goals which I hope will advance some broader achievement-oriented goal. For example, if I’m working towards an in-classroom prototype around a set of ideas, I might aim to spend three focused hours fleshing those ideas out in sketches.

This is a natural spot for brief deliberation, but once the day begins, I focus on the actions I’ve chosen and suppress planning. The rest of the day’s work becomes roughly deontological. I give myself permission to be satisfied with the day if I spent three focused hours sketching like I’d planned.

Weekly, I reflect on the previous week’s mix of actions and my progress towards the broader goal. I consider what’s working and what’s not, then I make a few notes about how I’d like to adjust my daily mix of actions in the next week.

I always assign some target date to that broader goal (“run a prototype in classrooms by June 1”). My weekly reflection pushes on that date: does it need to move? Does my daily work need to change focus to hit it? These higher-level reflections help me feel a sense of progress (or note a lack of one), and their regular course corrections give me the safety to draw satisfaction day-to-day from ambiguous, action-oriented goals.

Monthly, and when completing a broader achievement-oriented goal, I reflect on the bigger picture which defines my goals. That roadmap invariably evolves as my work proceeds, but maintaining that long-term plan helps me connect my present work to downstream goals. Those connections themselves inspire satisfaction: they help me see a path to my true goals.

For this level of reflection, I’ve found it helpful to reference others’ related roadmaps. For example, here’s IDEO’s product design process; my design partner May-Li Khoe uses a similar process of her own devising. Every field has dozens of competing structures like this, but their underlying similarities can provide useful scaffolding.

From time to time, I flip back into execution mode. It feels like an old friend. We say hello, dance for a while, and part ways smiling, just as it always was.

Open-ended mode is more enigmatic, reserved—yet occasionally it sparks some moment so singular it lights up the whole year. Those moments don’t happen without the days spent together between those moments. I’m slowly learning to make the most of our quiet strolls.