#like don’t mistake me i genuinely think it’s one of the best pop songs she has EVER put out

[titsthedamnseason]

personally for as much as i love it as a song i think it would be sinister for taylor to add “i can do it with a broken heart” to the setlist

[dustedmagazine]

Learning to go out again:  Jennifer Kelly’s 2022 in review

Meg Baird plays Chicago

Meg Baird calls it “people practice,” the ordinary skills that we require to interact successfully with other human beings. Small talk, the appropriate amount of eye contact, a certain minimal degree of comfort in crowds: these are all things that eroded in the pandemic.  And going even further, I’d add we ran short of “leaving your living room practice,” the difficult process of readjusting to unpredictable environments again. I got really bad at that in 2020 and 2021.

So, while 2022 was, in many ways, a joyous return to the norm, it was also deeply uncomfortable. Again and again, I’d show up far too early to shows and avoid talking to strangers.  I’d mistake soundchecks for music. I’d get bands mixed up and think the opener was the headliner or at least the second band. It was like I’d never been to a show in my life.  But gradually, over a year that was really genuinely rich in opportunities to see live music, I started to remember why I loved it — and how to be marginally less annoying to everyone around me. And I got to see some wonderful performances.

There was James Xerxes Fussell’s intricately re-arranged Americana on the eve of a blizzard in January and Jaimie Branch’s mesmerizing Anteloper just a month or so before she died. Our local festival, Thing in the Spring, once again delivered incredible abundance with Lee Ranaldo, Myriam Gendron, Jeff Parker, Tashji Dorji and others all taking turns on the stage. I experienced the twilight magic of Bill MacKay and Nathan Bowles on a back porch in Northampton as the bats darted overhead, as well as the viscera-stirring low tones of Sarah Davachi at a three-story-tall pipe organ at Epsilon Spires in Brattleboro. I got to see one of my very favorite bands, Oneida, at a club in Greenfield, MA, late in the year. I saw my friend Eric Gagne’s band Footings expand Bonny Prince Billy’s songs into epic, twanging bravado. Yo La Tengo came to my tiny little town and tore the place down.  In Chicago for my birthday weekend, I got a chance to hear Meg Baird and Chris Forsyth at a whiskey distillery on the Chicago River. It was a great year. I’m so glad I was there for it.  

It was also an exceptional year for recorded music as, honestly, it always is. Here are the records I enjoyed the most in 2022, but don’t pay too much attention to the numbers. The order could change tomorrow, and I may very well discover more favorites in other people’s lists.  (We’ll have a Slept On feature at some point early in 2023.) I’ve written a little bit about the top ten, but you can find longer reviews of most of them in the Dusted archives. I’ve linked these where available.

1. Winged Wheel—No Island (12XU): An underground-all-star remote collaboration melds the hard punk jangle of Rider/Horse’s Cory Plump, the unyielding percussion of Fred Thomas, the radiant guitar textures of Matthew J. Rolin and the ethereal vocal atmospheres of Matchess’ Whitney Johnson in a driving, enveloping otherworld. Just gorgeous.  

2. Oneida—Success (Joyful Noise): The best band of the aughts has dabbled in all manner of droning, experimental forms in recent years, but with Success, they return to basics.  “Beat Me to the Punch” and “I Wanna Hold Your Electric Hand” are gleeful bangers.  “Paralyzed” is a keyboard pulsing, beat-rattling psychedelic dreamworld. Success is Oneida’s best album since Secret Wars and maybe ever. (I wrote the one-sheet for Success, but I would feel this way regardless.)

3. Cate Le Bon—Pompeii (Drag City): Eerie, madcap Pompeii refracts pandemic alienation through the lens of ancient disaster, floating narcotic imagery atop herky-jerk rhythms.  Abstract and experimental, but also sublimely pop, Pompeii haunts and charms in equal measure.  

4. Destroyer—Labyrinthitis (Merge):  Dan Bejar is always interesting, but the COVID lockdown seems to have shaken him loose a bit. Labyrinthitis is typically arch, elliptical and elegant, but also a bit unhinged. Hear it in the extended rap that closes “June” or in the manic disco beat of “Suffer” or oblique but perfect wordplay in “Tinoretto, It’s for You.”  

5. Horsegirl—Versions of Modern Performance (Matador): Horsegirl elicits a lysergic roar that’s loud but somehow serene, urgent but chilled. The trio out of Chicago were everywhere suddenly and all at once, as sometimes happens to bands, but on the strength of “World of Pots and Pans” and “Billy” I suspect they’ll stick around.  

6. Jake Xerxes Fussell—Good and Green Again (Paradise of Bachelors): An early favorite that refused to fade, Good and Green Again considers old-time music from a variety of angles, often incorporating more than one version of a traditional tune in a seamless way.  The music is lovely, made more exquisite still by James Elkington’s arrangements, which are subtle, right and unexpected.  

7. Lambchop—The Bible (Merge): Stark and lavish at the same time, The Bible catches Kurt Wagner at his morose and mesmerizing best. Surreal sonic textures—including orchestral flourishes and autotuned funk beats—wreathe his weathered baritone, as he traipses through ordinary landscapes turned strange and warped.  

8. The Weather Station—How Is It That I Should Look at the Stars (Fat Possum): Tamara Lindeman drew on Toronto’s vibrant jazz community to form her band for this sixth album as the Weather Station. The band improvised alongside here as it learned the songs. As a result, these songs have the usual pristine folk purity, but also a haze of late night sophistication in elegant runs of piano and pensive plucks of bass.  

9. The Reds, Pinks and Purples—Summer at Land’s End (Slumberland): Glenn Donaldson is pretty much the best at bittersweet jangle pop right now, and this wistful, graceful collection of songs about life’s dissatisfactions is every bit as good as last year’s Uncommon Weather. Plus it’s got a seven-plus minute improvised guitar piece right in the middle, what’s not to love?

10. Tha Retail Simps—Reverberant Scratch (Total Punk): Montreal’s Retail Simps make ferocious garage rock with a bit of soul in its tail feathers. “Hit and Run” sounds like a lost Sam and the Shams b-side and “End of Times – Hip Shaker” with having doing exactly that. If they ever remake Animal House, here’s the band. 

25 more albums I loved: 

Non Plus Temps—Desire Choir (Post-Present Medium)

Joan Shelley—The Spur (Important)

Mountain Goats—Bleed Out (Merge)

The Sadies—Colder Streams (Yep Roc)

Spiritualized—Everything Was Beautiful (Fat Possum)

Superchunk—Wild Loneliness (Merge)

Hammered Hulls—Careening (Dischord)

Kilynn Lunsford—Custodians of Human Succession (Ever/Never)

Oren Ambarchi/Johan Berthling/Andreas Werliin—Ghosted (Drag City)

Green/Blue—Paper Thin (Feel It)

E—Any Information (Silver Rocket)

Sick Thoughts—Heaven Is No Fun (Total Punk)

Pedro the Lion—Havasu (Polyvinyl)

Pan*American—The Patience Fader (Kranky)

Weak Signal—War & War (Colonel)

Frog Eyes—The Bees (Paper Bag)

Pinch Points—Process (Exploding in Sound)

LIFE—True North (The Liquid Label)

Mary Lattimore & Paul Sukeena—West Kensington (Three Lobed)

Wau Wau Collectif—Mariage (Sahel Sounds)

Vintage Crop—Kibitzer (Upset the Rhythm)

Anna Tivel—Outsiders (Mama Bird)

Chronophage—S-T (Post-Present Medium/Bruit Direct Disques)

Sélébéyone— Xaybu: The Unseen (Pi)

Zachary Cale—Skywriting (Org Music)

Jennifer Kelly

[amywritesthings]

Tag some mutuals you want to get to know better

Thank youuu @prolix-yuy for the tag !!

Favourite time of the year: September/October. I used to think it was spring, but since I am a Pumpkin Spice glutton, I prefer the first crisp scent of autumn rolling in from a hot summer. Truly it sends my brain into the happiest of spaces.

Comfort food: Pizza. Bread. All of the bread. Bagels. Mac & Cheese. 

Favorite dessert: Red velvet anything, tiramisu, or triple-quadruple chocolate anything. Oh -- and those cute little Pillsbury cookies that come out with the ghosts and stuff on them for holiday seasons.

Things you collect: Disney park maps. Coasters from breweries. 

Favorite drink: Iced Caramel Macchiato is my kryptonite, but if you really want me to die, then... PSL for life. (I told you I was severely basic and a glutton for it!)

Favorite musical artist: Pretty sure at this point my favorite artists of all time (that I would see multiple times in one year) are Bon Iver, The Weeknd, and Phoebe Bridgers.

Last song you listened to: Back Door by Stray Kids. K-Pop is seriously the best workout music and I have a massive playlist I pop on for my 30 Day shred program I’m finishing up right now.

Last movie you watched: Prey. I do not know shit about the Predator films and was never an AvP kid, but I was genuinely so impressed with this one. I am quite literally obsessed with the lead actress right now. Girlie was badass.

Last series you watched: A finished series/season? The Boys. It’s a shame the finale was so bad, because I thought S3 was likely their best season to date.

Series you’re currently watching: Harley Quinn on HBO Max, What We Do In the Shadows, She-Hulk, and I’m way behind on 80 other things from the chaos of this past summer.

Current obsession: Youtube Documentaries? I don’t know why I’m super into long form, 2-4hr pieces recapping tv shows I never got around to in my youth or extremely long discussion videos dedicated to the depraved and true crime, but that’s all I’ve been doing in lieu of my depleted creative outlet. Also Bingo Blitz. I fucking love Bingo Blitz.

Dream place to visit: New Zealand. Scotland. All of the Disney parks (I know.)

A place you’ve been that you want to go back to: California! I got to visit on a work trip in 2018 and I barely got to spend time there, and there are so many museums that I want to check out.

Something you want: To jump over the final hurdle of moving into my new townhouse so I can enjoy writing at a constant again. Also, for it to be acceptable to put all of my Halloween decorations up because I am so sick of pretending we want summer to continue.

Currently working on: Meet Me on the Other Side (Finale), Point A to Point B (Chapter 15), Same Old Mistakes (Act 4) -- going back to the series basics until something randomly hits me in the face with inspiration!

NP tagging: @againstacecilia , @honeybee-reverie , @marvelous-writer , @slightlypossessed

[pauleenantonetb]

Hey! My name is Pauleen Antonet B. Barreo, or you can call me Pau, as everyone calls me that way. I just turned 16 years old, and I was born on October 07, 2006. I am just a simple girl who lives in the peaceful city of Tuguegarao, province of Cagayan. I have 2 siblings; an older brother, Laurence, and a younger sister, Atasha. My lovely parents are Roy and Maricel. I am close to my family because I always thought that they would be by my side when no one else would. My favorite color is yellow. Yellow is the color of the sun. It represents hope, energy, joy, happiness, and friendship. I am just an introverted girl who is always shy and embarrassed by everything she does. I have three trusted friends: Caryl, Joanna, and Hanna. I am that kind of person who is not good at socializing, someone who is picky when it comes to choosing friends.

I have a lot of hobbies. Dancing, reading novels, and watching my favorite K-pop groups are some of them. My favorite Kpop groups are Twice for girl groups and Seventeen for boy groups. I love to listen to their music; it is very comforting. Kim Dahyun, the group's lead rapper, is my favorite in Twice. She caught my attention when I was still discovering Twice. She is the sweetest human I have ever met. Meanwhile, in Seventeen, my bias is Kim Mingyu, the tallest member of the group. He is a giant baby. He may look cold and snobby in pictures, but he is one of the most softest people you’ve ever met. He is my ideal man as he knows how to cook, how to clean, is the kindest and sweetest person, and the most idealistic man ever. I love them so much. I am genuinely hoping to see them someday.

About my three best friends: I am very lucky to have them. They are always there, comforting and giving me advice whenever life gets hard. I am paranoid about making new friends. Something bad happened when I was in junior high school. My so-called friends betrayed us, calling us names, spreading false rumors, and getting us bullied. Since then, I have become self-conscious, thinking that they might judge me again for committing mistakes. I have male friends, but I am not that close to them that I share my problems with them. I have always wanted to have guy friends, but I am awkward around them. They say that guy friends are better than girl friends.

I don’t really pay attention to what you will say about me, whether it is something good or bad, but it will surely affect me. I will start doubting myself. I will cry myself to sleep thinking about what you said about me. I don’t really show my emotions to everyone, but when I am alone, it will strike me like lightning. I don’t show my emotions, but I am hurting more than you think.

I will end my introduction with lyrics from songs by my favorite K-pop groups.

One in a Million of Twice. "One in a Million, cheer up, you're something special. One in a Million, the only one in the world. " "Whatever they say, don’t be afraid."

Circles of Seventeen "It will be okay, like the hands of a clock; it will find its place again after going in circles."

-Where do I see myself 10 years from now? Was my learning in SPUP vital to where I am leading to? 

I see myself 10 years from now as a successful psychologist, living independently, financially stable, exploring the world, and living the best of my life. Yes, it is very vital. SPUP will help me achieve my goals in life. It will always be my pleasure that I have the chance to study at an internationally recognized school.

-Was STEM the best choice after all? 

Yes, the strand STEM is the best choice for the course I want to pursue in college. Although STEM is hard, it will help me in college. I will thank myself in the future that I got STEM, even if there are people who are saying that I should not take STEM because it is very hard. I don't regret getting STEM as long as I'm having fun in senior high school. 

-What course will you take in college and why?

I'll go with B.S. Psychology, it piqued my interest while reading a Wattpad story about a girl who is a college student enrolled in the B.S Psychology course. I did some research on it, and it captivates my interest because I am a good listener. I want to assist mentally unstable people in becoming stable because I can imagine the weight of their hearts carrying their emotions alone. I am the type of person who enjoys listening to people rant and express their opinions. My only piece of advice is to think before you speak to someone. For you, you took it as a joke, that someone might have been doubting herself/himself because of what you said. Be careful on what you say. Mental health matters.

(photo is from pinterest)

[hueningshaped]

#apple1stwin???😭😭 amor proving that she's the funniest and cutest person once again!! i am just sososo curious about what their hair will look like this comeback i need information immediately gonna have to apply for a position at hybe😐 for some reason i wouldn't mind hyuka not changing his hair even thoigh platinum blond was literally my favorite hair on him🤨 i can't explain it for some reason it doesn't feel that long ago since he dyed it (maybe i am starting to get attached to his black hair<3) but with taehyun and soobin..... light hair drought💔 i knew about tlc but i've never heard the word vernacular🧍🏻‍♀️so we both learnt something new today😎🫶🏻 now hold up . what do you mean somebody yelled at you😾 why would she yell at you that is so mean!!!!!!!!!! what kind of cruel person could manage to do that :( i am shocked.... flabbergasted........ disrespectfully, i hope she stubs her toe👺 anyways i hope you don't let that get to you!! i'm holding my fingers crossed that you'll get used to it soon and then you'll get your well-deserved employee of the century title😌 the way that all of your cats have the cutest names ever🙁☹️😿😭 i mean the world to you??? you ARE my world beffie😔❤️‍🔥💗 thank you for the rec😭😭 YES i did see forever 1!!!!!! i can't believe the kpop legends came back this promotion period has been so much fun i love them so much although it makes me sad to think about how it will probably take another few years until we see them again after it ends🥹</3 I'M the one who's thankful!!!! talking to you makes me so indescribably happy i'm so very glad you exist and that i got to find out about you☹️🫂💘🫶🏻💗 and since we're already on the topic of happiness: THOSE LINKS!!!! i love how tyun is always humoring gyu and joining him when he's in his energetic mood<3 plus that whole popping star performance is just so . i adore it so much they all seem so genuinely happy in it and i don't even wanna start on how adorable they all are😐 here is the first and the second video i found that had me in shambles because they're both just sooo cute :( also here is a song rec for you too!! i can't even tell you how much i hate recommending music because i overthink it too much but i really wanted to give you one back so i hope you'll like it if you don't know it already🫂🫂

this is us hehe ♡(っ*’ᵕ’)’ᵕ’*c)♡ but pleaseee that’s all u !!! you’re the funniest and the sweetest 😖😣 that’s so funny bc the other day i was watching a talk x today and thought about how it must be nice working there even if ur just a janitor or u work in the cafeteria bc im sure the pay is good or at least it’s clean haha but anyway hehe i wonder if anyone of them will do something DRASTIC like randomly long hair or super short idk soobin’s hair has been pretty short these few cbs idk but ah we’ll see im excited but im also thinking ‘haha i can wait,,, if it means the boys get rest and stuff’ 😵‍💫 and ahh yeah she was very upset with me and becoming a bit hostile but it’s fine ~ every now and again we all come across someone a bit mean or rude 😋 apple my hero 😿💞 at least you’d stick up for me, talk about a real oneeeee ☝️☝️ omg not the employee of the century title 😭 that could never be meee haha i get so anxious bc im scared of making mistakes and being a burden and needing/asking for help ugh it’s just gonna take time for me to get used to it UGH 😔im talking soooooooo much about myself is there anything new with u ☹️☹️ please do tell 😿 or if u don’t want to that’s okay too hehe awww my cats say thank u 💞 waiitttjtjgj YOU are MY universe 🥺💓💓oh god yea these forever 1 promotions are going to be our scraps for the next few years but im still thankful they even dropped an album 🥺 i haven’t listened to all the songs yet im a fraud 💔 HEY BUT NEW TWICE CB!!!!! IM EXCITED!!!! are u ? 🙀 i’m so happy you are here and you exist and we talk and it has made my days all the better 🥹🫂💟❤️ you’re the best and don’t ever forget it!!!! i love how much energy beomgyu has like honestly if we could convert his energy and love to power or something it could power up a car or rocket and take us to the moon he’s so dear ❤️‍🔥 and txt so cute… especially in that vid but i feel biased since it’s my fav song hehe OMG YOUR LINKS !!!1!1!1!!:$/ oh my … god… that is so cute that is so them too 💔💔💔🫂 soobin so big hehe and yeonjun so cute and so… cute 😖 and AHHH THE PENGUIN’S MIMICKING is so cute it became tiny huening!!! 🥹 these videos made my day, my week, MY LIFE 🗣 and the song are u kidding me ?! i freaking love it!!!!! wake up babe new hyper fixation just dropped 🙀 im so thankful u gave me this rec 🥺 especially so since u recommended it ~ pls i love anything u give 💞 thank you always ☹️ ive been so busy with school and work ugh sorry im getting so bad again i just have this strange mentality where i have to do clear my schedule and things out of the way in order to respond to those i love it makes no sense and causes me issues 😣😿 but i digress….. hehe….. i hope you’re well and happy and safe and healthy always 🫶‼️ here’s a video i think you’ll enjoy hehe it’s so cute + this tiktok bc why not hehe anyway I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH !!! 💓 + ps thank u so muchjfjrjfjsj for the yeonjuniez ☹️

[groovesnjams]

“This Hell” by Rina Sawayama

DV:

Unfortunately Rina Sawayama needs to be doing about 20% more to pull off what she’s clearly aiming for. I say unfortunately because the concept - a queer anthem inspired by turn-of-the-century country divas - sounds like an exciting one; I also say it because I was listening to “Born This Way” recently and I’ll take “God hates us? Alright then” over “God makes no mistakes” any and every day. So it’s disappointing to realize that “This Hell” is a bland production built around tired pop culture references (it’s not only that no one needed to hear “that’s hot” ever again, it’s that we deserve better than obvious options trotted out here.) Learning producer Paul Epworth is an Adele and Coldplay vet came as no surprise: there’s a short but welcome guitar solo to end the bridge, but the rest of the song would’ve benefited from a similar willingness to try something even slightly unexpected. What is unexpected is how Sawayama falls short too: she’s done some of her best work when directly addressing the queer community. “This hell is better with you” is good, but we deserve better than “good” wedged between the kind of too-cute references that sounded weak when Charli XCX and Troye Sivan dusted them off four years ago.

MG:

I’ll begin by saying that this production style has never been my favorite. I like the concept of "This Hell” but not the roiling, anonymous, over-driven stomp. I grind my teeth and this sound is associated with the idea of my teeth no longer existing as a barrier between my well-trained jaw muscles and, like, my face as a mechanical maw consuming itself. But, ok, that’s me! I find Rina Sawayama melts effortlessly into whatever production style she pursues -- like a meme account where you know there’s a human being (Kiernan Shipka) selecting the memes but you have to spend a very long time with the mask before you have any sense of the personality underlying it. That sounded a bit backhanded, but, basically, I find Sawayama to be exactly the pop chameleon she emulates: a cultural lightning rod able to deftly slip inside a wide range of pop music, simultaneously an artist and a projection. A great deal of how she accomplishes this is owed to her magpie lyrics which namecheck The Devil Wears Prada, Britney Spears, Princess Diana, Whitney Houston, and Paris Hilton directly, as well as (I think) subtle references to Christina Aguilera’s Dirty era, wine moms as an alternative to priesthood, and Madonna’s “Burning Up.” The veiled references are an incredible mosaic of identity, lust, and community. In some ways the song would be better if Sawayama left things vague and allowed each their own interpretation, but her selection of bisexual touchstones is richly complicated and the more time I spend on the gossip internet the more I understand that the generation(s) following mine don’t understand a lot of what was implicit about the early 00s. Paris Hilton was genuinely scummy (stop trying to redeem her!!) but, also, I get it! I was transfixed by her endless club nights and circle of girlfriends. I read every blind item (every! single! one!) about what went down in the back of the limousines and who got kicked out of a party for being “too high” (hooking up with Lindsey Lohan.) What at the time felt like rampant misogyny with hindsight is also overflowing with lesbophobia. It wasn’t just that they were women unafraid of being mentally ill in public, it was that they were having sex with each other, too.

Frankly, I don’t bop to these feelings and I don’t vibe with the nihilism of “we were born with nothing to lose.” This hell is real and it’s all around us and that makes me panicky and terrified byeeeee.

[the-real-bruce-banner]

The group was preparing to embark on a dangerous journey in the next couple of hours. Everybody was collecting and packing the supplies they would need for the next day. It had been hectic earlier, but it was night now and the nerves and jitters of hanging with unfamiliar strangers was retreating.

Dieter had a Hawaiian bread roll halfway in his mouth, engaged with the schematics of the plan. He had been staring at the blue sheet so long it was starting to make his head throb, his brain fighting an unseen cage match. Dieter scratched his head and swayed a little. As he munched on his roll, he swore he could feel eyes watching him so he did a quick sweep around the room.

Scott and Maria were at one of the tables, eating some sandwiches together and laughing about something. He noticed how happy they always seemed together, they always made him feel welcomed. Then there were Mikey and Chambers, they were playing cards together while Marianne smoked on something, watching silently behind them.

Then there was Vanderohe who was sitting by himself, shut away from the rest of the group. He had his headphones over his ears and his head against the back of the wall, eyes closed. He looked so peaceful, but he was the only one facing Dieter, which means he had to be the one he had felt watching. That or he was just losing his sense of perception.

Dieter made his way over to the man sitting on a lonesome bench, in his own little world. Something always drew Dieter to the man and he didn’t know what it was, but it was a strong feeling. Dieter knew he didn’t have many friends and he didn’t always know how to have conversations with other people but with Van, it’s like they were picking up where they left off.

“What are you listening to?”

Dieter tilted his head slightly in concentration and when he realized he could not be heard, he gently tapped Vanderohe on the shoulder. Vander pulled one of his headphones off his ear and clicked his phone, glaring daggers up at the man.

“What,” Vanderohe huffed. Dieter pushed past the glares and smiled.

“I asked what you were listening to.” The pair locked eyes for a moment and Vander could tell this wasn’t a fight he was going to win.

“What do you think I’m listening to,” Vanderohe asked, his straight face not budging.

“Probably...,” Dieter hummed, pondering seriously.

This was obviously a set-up question, meant to uncover the one truth Vander saw coming. Someone who was black and had his body built like his could only “stereotypically” listen to one thing. He knew how the world perceived him and Dieter wasn’t going to be any different, but the blue-eyed man was so intrigued by this new game he didn’t even notice the trap.

“Adele,” Dieter remarked. Vanderohe stared and Dieter clenched his teeth, waiting for his response, like he was expecting a prize to fall out of the air.

Vanderohe smiled and then started chuckling to himself. “Adele?”

“Yeah, Adele...do you not listen to Adele,” Dieter stared questioningly.

“Of course I listen to Adele! Who in their right mind doesn’t? I just assumed-,” Vanderohe started but stopped himself before he could finish.

“Assumed what?”

Vander thought maybe he should left it go but Dieter looked genuinely confused. “I assumed you would say rap or hip hop. I’m sure that’s what most people think I’m listening to when they watch me.”

“Do you not like rap music,” Dieter questioned, sitting down next to him.

“No, I do. It’s just I know people look at me. I know they see someone scary and unapproachable.”

“I don’t think you’re either one of those things,” Dieter added trying to be optimistic.

“Trust me, I noticed,” Vanderohe muttered. The two paused in silence before Dieter cleared his throat.

“So did I win?” Dieter grinned.

“Win what?”

“The song game we were just playing. Is that what you’re listening to?” Dieter leaned a little closer, a wide grin on his face.

“First of all, that wasn’t a game and second, no that’s not what I’m listening to.”

“So what are you listening-,” Dieter got cut off by Vanderohe taking his headphones from around his neck and gently put them over his ears.

“Now before I turn the music on, I want you to listen. Like really listen, ok?” Dieter nodded and put his hands over the headphones, nodding a little so that Vander could understand how serious he was about this.

Vanderohe hit play and Dieter instantly locked eyes with him, holding his gaze. Dieter stood for a moment trying to hear everything and then he felt it, the rhythm. He closed his eyes and started to nod his head along, a small smile on his face. “I think I feel it.” Van stood up as well and watched the man reach his plane of existence.

They stood together for a minute just enjoying the moment. Vanderohe pulled the headphones off of Dieter and pulled him out his trance. “What was that,” Dieter inquired.

“That my friend, is soul music. You can feel it, in here,” Van said placing his hand on Dieter’s heart. Dieter looked down at the man’s hand and Vander pulled away quickly.

“I know soul, Stevie Wonder! Aretha Franklin! I like them,” Dieter proclaimed, then he started to belt, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!” Vander stared at him with a straight face before giving a small grin.

“Yeah, just like that.” Vander put the headphones back around his neck. “So did you like the song I played? Easy by the Commodores? It’s actually one of my favorite songs.”

“I actually quite like it now too, even though it’s very graphic song,” Dieter grinned and that made Vander grin for a second before realizing everything he said.

“How is it graphic? It’s about leaving someone you love.”

“The song you played me was about other things,” Dieter side eyed, eye brows raised. He was trying his best to conceal a blush. “You know...like sex. It specifically said ‘Let’s get it on’. Unless, I am mistaken in some manner.”

Vanderohe looked at his phone and looked at the title. “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye was headlining his screen. “I played the wrong song!” He started to tap his gadget, scrolling through his playlist. “I must’ve hit shuffle, by mistake.”

Vander tried his best to contain his slight embarrassment. “Out of the songs in the world, why that one,” he thought to himself.

“It is okay, it is a great song. I am sure this ‘Easy’ song you speak of is amazing as well. Maybe sometime later we can try to find it again, I’d love to hear it.” Dieter gave his classic smile and Vander felt the tension leave his body.

“Yeah okay.” Vander soothed. Van sat back down and Dieter gently sat beside him. The two sat together for a bit, the silence being slightly comforting. Vander felt eyes on him and he looked over, he had caught Dieter staring before turning towards another direction.

“I noticed you have you’re own headphones too, what do you listen to,” Vander chimed, which made Dieter turn to him with a big smile.

“I’m actually quite a fan of Micheal Jackson and Selena Gomez.”

“That’s a range,” Vanderohe added.

“Not really if you think about it, he is the king of pop right? And she is a pop star, so they fall under the same genre. I’m also a fan of the song ‘Hey, Soul Sister’. You know that one?”

“Hey, soul sister ain’t that mr. Mister on radio, stereo. The way you move ain’t fair you know,” Dieter sang.

“Hey, soul sister, I don’t wanna miss a single thing you do,” Vanderohe muttered.

“Tonight,” they said together. Dieter laughed and hit his knee in excitement.

“Yeah,” Dieter exclaimed. Vander smirked for a second before turning back the other direction.

“You should probably get some sleep, we have a busy schedule tomorrow. And by ‘busy’ I mean life or death.” Vander put his head back up against the wall, eyes closed again.

Dieter understood the hint and cleared his throat, standing back up. “Oh yeah, of course. I should probably head back over to the schematics, give another once over. You can never be too prepared with a Götterdämmerung.” Dieter strolled away, trying his best to act normal.

Vanderohe turned his head and admired the man as he sauntered away. He couldn’t help but watch the man struggle to keep his excitement to a minimum about the vault. Van looked down at his phone and scrolled through the playlist and found “Rock with me” by Micheal Jackson. He turned the volume up and put his head against the wall, closing his eyes.

Tomorrow was going to be a long day.

[cristalconnors]

TOP 20 SONGS OF 2020

20. “BELOW THE CLAVICLE”- EARTHEATER

“The meaning hasn’t come up yet. It’s still under the surface below the clavicle.”

It isn’t just Alexandra Drewchin’s ear splitting soprano when she hits that impossibly high B, practically shrieking out the “cle” syllable of clavicle, though that’s undoubtedly when I first knew that Eartheater’s avant folk was for me- it’s also the cinematic, lush strings, both bowed and plucked (is that acoustic guitar or harp? I genuinely can’t tell), deepening and complicating the sonic texture of Drewchin’s study of parsing through emotions you aren’t ready to make sense of yet. 

19. “PUSSY TALK”- CITY GIRLS, FT. DOJA CAT

“This pussy so ghetto, this pussy speak ebonics”

“WAP”’s funnier, classless Irish twin, though it’s important to note “Pussy Talk” came first. Yung Miami and JT enlist Doja Cat to expound on everything their pussies deserve and will absolutely settle for nothing less than. And why should they when they’re spitting out verses this inspiredly hilarious with such confidence and flow? 

18. “LICK IN HEAVEN”- JESSY LANZA

“Once I’m spinning, I can’t stop spinning...”

Jessy Lanza is talking about losing your cool, letting your emotions get the best of you and lashing out instead of letting cooler heads prevail, but when that earworm of a chorus hits- “once I’m spinning, I can’t stop spinning” - I can’t stop spinning. I’m that woman on the single art, a wine mom lost in the delirium of the dance floor and in Lanza’s hypnotic, fragmented rhythms.  

17. “GASLIGHTER”- THE CHICKS

“Boy, you know exactly what you did on my boat!”

“Gaslighter” finds Natalie Ames and her Chicks at their most simultaneously ruthless and ebullient, ripping Ames’s ex-husband Adrian Pasdar a new asshole and ratcheting up the righteous anger of “Goodbye Earl” tenfold, channeling it into a glorious wall of sound in what might be their most rousing, emotionally resonant chorus in their storied career. 

16. “HANNAH SUN”- LOMELDA

“Hannah do no harm...”

While “Hannah Sun” begins as an exquisitely observed rumination on grappling with long-distance, pining for someone who’s a continent away, it gradually becomes clear that Hannah Read blames herself for putting the distance between her and the subject of her longing, and that the distance isn’t strictly literal. Skittering synths (or is that distorted flute?) complicate and enrich the texture of the song, allowing it to build organically and stunningly towards a heartbreaking plea to herself- “Hannah, do no harm.”

15. “FIRE”- WAXAHATCHEE

“And when I turn back around will you drain me back out? Will you let me believe that I broke through?”

When I’d drive back and forth between Dallas and Austin over and over again when I was in college, I’d often get off I-35 past Waco and take the back roads through towns I’d never heard of, the sun setting spectacularly behind the titular hills of Hill Country that were beginning to roll out in earnest. I think about that a lot when listening to “Fire,” a song dripping in rural Americana that was, unsurprisingly, inspired by a road trip. We’ve probably all been Katie Crutchfield as she crossed the bridge into West Memphis- alone in the car, awed by the simple beauty of the American countryside, making speeches to ourselves about our past mistakes and figuring out a way forward. 

14. “3AM”- HAIM

“On the screen and in my jeans, just make me feel good.”

On an album full of genre departures and decidedly darker themes than we’ve typically heard from Haim in their near decade of syncopated bubblegum pop rock, “3AM” stands out not only as their most effective stab at pastiche, slipping into the trappings of contemporary R&B with shocking ease and gusto, but also as their most unabashedly fun track in their entire oeuvre. “I think you can hear the amount of joy and laughs we had making this song” Alana Haim tells Apple Music, and you absolutely can.

13. “QADIR”- NICK HAKIM

“We’re sinking down a hole without thinking about our loved ones who might be shrinking...”

I often wonder if I’m putting enough effort into maintaining my relationships with friends I don’t see regularly, who live several time zones away, living their own lives while I live mine. When the thought of sustaining simple correspondence becomes overwhelming, it’s easy for months to go by before you realize you haven’t spoken to one of your closest friends. “QADIR” plays less like a eulogy for a friend gone too soon (though of course it is that) than a plea to the listener to put in the work. It’s worth it. You never know when it’ll be too late.

12. “LEVITATING”- DUA LIPA

“Glitter in the sky, glitter in our eyes shining just the way we are.”

Just a few bars of that delightfully bouncy, extra-terrestrial beat is enough to launch me into space. It’s so refreshing to hear a song that remembers that pop is supposed to be joyful and is best when it’s a bit silly. When discussing this track with Apple Music, Dua Lipa cites Austin Powers as inspiration, elaborating that “if I do a video for this, Mike Meyers has to be in it.” Can’t you just see them together, performing a farcical pas de deux of seduction like the spiritual successor to “Beautiful Stranger?”

11. “RIQUIQUI”- ARCA

“Love in the face of fear! Fear in the face of God!”

Arca’s made a career of harnessing chaos and somehow making sense of it. On an album that finds her embracing more traditional, accessible song structures, “Riquiqui” is a reminder that even when working within an AB structure, she’s still breaking rules left and right and having a blast doing it. She’s also never sounded so ferociously empowered in either her femininity or in her Venezuelan identity, rattling off local colloquialisms with affection and verve without a second thought as to who’s going to understand it. 

10. “FANTASY”- AGAINST ALL LOGIC

“I think about you all the time...”

Or, the musical embodiment of this gif:

When Nicolas Jaar’s tormented synths and crunching beats give way to Beyoncé’s unmistakable alto, it is indeed quite the shock. But should it be? Even if 2017-2019 finds him ditching the dancefloor in favor of more severe, unforgiving soundscapes, his already varied career has shown us nothing’s off limits to him. So why not reinvent Beyoncé’s iconic “Baby Boy” into an industrial, vaguely sinister certified bop that arguably surpasses the original?

9. “PEOPLE, I’VE BEEN SAD”- CHRISTINE AND THE QUEENS

“If you disappear, then I’m disappearing, too.”

“People, I’ve been sad” plays out with the vulnerability and intimacy of a tumblr text post you put out in the middle of the night, only to hastily delete later when it gets no notes. It forgoes flowery language in favor of just getting to the point. “I’ve been sad.” Héloïse Adelaïde Letissier blows up this deceptively simple sentiment with richly layered textures and a big screen gloss not to offer any remedies but instead to offer solidarity. We’re all in this hell together.

8. “DESCRIBE”- PERFUME GENIUS

“Can you just find him for me?”

Mike Hadreas has never sounded so hopeless. Utilizing harsh, rattling guitar that would make Kevin Shields swoon, he conveys the experience of being so estranged from happiness and joy that you need to rely on others to describe the sensation to you. But how, when exploring darker textures than he ever has before, does he make despondency sound so divine? 

7. “4 AMERICAN DOLLARS”- U.S. GIRLS

“No matter how much you get to have, you will still die and that’s the only thing.”

Meg Remy picks up where she left off on “4 American Dollars,” reviving the subversive pastiche she mastered on In a Poem Unlimited, this time harnessing the power of funk to dismantle the fallacies we’re taught about the virtues of capitalism. Heavy stuff, but Remy makes it less didactic than joyous, ensuring the listener will be singing “I don’t believe in pennies and nickels and dimes and dollars and pesos and pounds and rupees and yen and rubles” until they start to wonder if maybe they shouldn’t, either. 

6. “STUPID LOVE”- LADY GAGA

“I freak out, I freak out, I freak out, I freak out!”

Due to a healthy spirit of contrarianism mixed with a touch of internalized homophobia and genuine bafflement at her universal appeal and praise, I was a proud Lady Gaga hater for as long as she’d been a cultural entity. I just didn’t get her at all and loved that about myself. Annoying, I know. 2020 was the year I was finally ready to let that all go. Just before the world fell apart in March, I was out at Flaming Saddles (RIP) with friends the night this song came out and by the sixteenth time it played, I understood why it was inducing such hysteria. This was a cultural shift. After a frustrating near-decade of Gaga subverting expectations so thoroughly that she was actively working against her strengths and sabotaging her cultural ubiquity in the process, coupled with the most frightening era of political upheaval in our lifetimes, she was finally ready to save us and be Lady Gaga again. Booming synth, drag sensibilities, absurd thematic conceits- all was right in the world. For the first time in a long time, people had something to be hopeful about, and as I danced that night, I felt that hope, too. 

5. “SHELLFISH MADEMOISELLE”- RÓISÍN MURPHY

“How dare you sentence me to a lifetime without dancing?”

As soon as that bass starts (the funkiest bassline in the history of music?) it’s like Róisín Murphy’s snake charming oboe, coaxing even the most stalwart curmudgeon onto the dancefloor and keeping them there, dancing frantically and involuntarily like the citizens of Strasbourg in 1518, trying their best to keep up with Murphy who isn’t even breaking a sweat, commanding the masses with a sultry remove, beckoning you closer, pulling you inexorably deeper into the mass of gyrating bodies and whispering in your ear “come and have a dance with yer mum.”

4. “PARTY 4 U”- CHARLI XCX

“I only threw this party for you...”

As PC Music / Bubblegum Bass / whatever you want to call it enters its second decade, Charli XCX proves not only that there’s still new textures to explore within it, but also that no one can exploit its artifice to get down to emotional truths like she can. How can she make something this slick sound so vulnerable? “I only threw this party for you” she croons over and over again over glorious syncopated synths that build exquisitely, reaching their climax only to immediately fall away, until it’s just her and her trusty autotune, pleading with the subject of the song to just come to the damn party. But they won’t, of course. They never do, do they?

3. “WAP”- CARDI B, FT. MEGAN THEE STALLION

“I want you to touch that lil’ dangly thing that swing in the back of my throat!”

Sometimes you just immediately know you’re living through a significant cultural moment. No, not COVID. I’m talking about the experience of hearing Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s instant classic “WAP” for the first time, a titanic meeting of the minds that finds both of them at the apex of their cultural influence and at their most undeniable. Can the argument be made that these two aren’t the two best rappers in the game right now? How could you hear this inspiredly filthy sex positive juggernaut, where Cardi and Megan are trading the sickest verses of their careers, and not think these two deserve the world? 

2. “KEROSENE!”- YVES TUMOR

“I can be your baby in real life, sugar. I can live in your dreams.”

If the 2010′s were all about the pop-ification of all music, trading in live instrumentation in favor of polished synths, 2020 forcefully announced the return of the electric guitar when Yves Tumor and Diana Gordon’s back and forth lustfully submissive declarations of desire suddenly gave way to that nasty guitar rip lifted from Uriah Heep’s “Weep in Silence” to announce yet another cultural shift in a year chock full of them- rock and roll was, indeed, here to stay. 

1. “I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME”- FIONA APPLE

“I move with the trees in the breeze, I know that time is elastic.”

We live and we learn. Years spent soul searching and on self-discovery shape us into better, smarter people, progressively knowing and understanding ourselves and the world around us more and more clearly, but Fiona Apple knows that none of that can quell the ferocious desire to be loved by someone. By anyone. By you, whoever that is. We can know that time is elastic and that when we’re gone all our particles will disband and disperse and then we’ll be back in the pulse, and we can know that none of this stuff actually matters, but still- we want, we want, we want. 

[hanaasbananas]

Crush

Summary: In Glaciator, while comisserating over their broken hearts, Marinette lets slip the identity of the person she has a crush on. Consequently, Adrien finds himself wondering if Marinette is really 'just a friend' after all. Inspired by the song Taare Gin

AO3

It feels so nice since this happened, my heart feels as though it is a child again.

“You’ve  had your heart broken too?”

“Yep.”

Chat studied Marinette’s profile beside him. With the moonlight reflecting off her hair, she looked positively ethereal, and it was hard to believe that anyone would be stupid enough to break her heart.

“For what it’s worth,” he nudged her gently “I’m sorry you had your heart broken.”

Marinette sighed “thanks, but it’s okay. Adrien can’t control when his dad will decide he can’t do something, so I really should have expected that he wouldn’t make it. I was just disappointed.”

Chat jerked, turning fully to face her. “Adrien?” His mind raced, trying to see if there was any other Adrien she might have been talking about, but how many Adrien’s with strict fathers could Marinette know?

Marinette hummed noncommittally. “Oh, yeah Adrien’s a friend of mine. I’ve had this total crush on him since the beginning of the year. He doesn’t know though-I can barely get out a sentence in front of him.” She groaned, dropping her head “I don’t know why I’m so upset about today-chances are I probably wouldn’t have even talked to him properly anyway.”

She looked so forlorn standing there, Chat felt a pang of guilt at being the one to cause it. Father hadn’t forbidden him, but he’d blown off solid plans with his friends-blown off Marinette- for a date with Ladybug that she didn’t even show up to.

Karma really hit hard.

Thinking for a long moment, Chat made a decision, getting down from the railing and offering Marinette his hand. “Come with me.”

***

“I’m an idiot,” Adrien groaned, dropping his transformation and falling face first onto his bed.

“Really? That’s news to me,” Plagg snarked “what did you do this time?”

Flipping over onto his back, Adrien considered confiding in his kwami-Plagg could be surprisingly insightful sometimes-but with the mood he seemed to be in, it would probably be better to just stare at the ceiling. “Marinette has a crush on me.”

“Which one is that again?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know everyone in my class, Plagg.”

Plagg sniffed disdainfully “I have an image to keep up, you know.”

“Image?” Adrien snorted, looking over at where Plagg had set up blocks of cheese on his desk and was in the process of eating them like he was Pacman. “What image? A cheese loving gremlin? No-one sees you anyway!”

“A being of darkness who cares not for petty mortal issues.”

“He cares about Pacman though.” Adrien grinned, dodging the piece of cheese Plagg threw at his face. “Alright, alright I’ll leave you alone! It’s getting late anyway.”

Despite the late hour, Adrien struggled to sleep, replaying the events of the night over and over again. Strangely, though he’d looked forward to surprising her, Ladybug’s rejection hadn’t stung as much as he expected it to. What did surprise him however, was how his mind kept straying to Marinette instead.

He’d always held a special fondness for her, but had chalked it up to the fact that she was one of his first friends at school, but what if it was something else? Adrien couldn’t deny that his first instinct hadn’t been to reject her gently, rather, he’d felt something stir inside him when Marinette had told him about her crush; a pleasant warmth filling his chest at the idea of Marinette-talented, kind, sweet Marinette loving him.

It almost felt too good to be true.

***

“Hey Marinette!” Adrien called out, waving and making his way across to Marinette as he spotted her coming down the stairs.

He realised his mistake seconds later, wincing when Marinette’s head snapped up, her mouth forming a small ‘o’ of surprise and she stared at him, not noticing how her hand fell from the railing until her foot slipped out from underneath her.

It would have been quite the nasty fall, had Adrien not rushed forward to catch her, his arms coming around Marinette to steady her. “Got you,” he murmured, unable to hide his smile when her eyes popped open at his voice and he led her carefully down the stairs.

She let go of him when they got to the bottom, following behind him as he went to meet up with Alya and Nino. “We’re all going to get milkshakes at that new place that opened,” he asked. “Do you wanna come too?”

“Uh…”

Knowing what he did now-that Marinette had a crush on him-Adrien could have kicked himself for being so oblivious.

It had been a week now since he’d found out, and he had discovered that Marinette wasn’t exactly the most subtle person in the world. In fact it was quite the opposite.

He actually found it quite endearing; the way she blushed bright red whenever he spoke to her, stumbling over her words, and in class he’d even felt her eyes boring into him from where she sat behind him in class, punctuated occasionally by dreamy sighs.

Adrien found that he quite liked the feeling of being the object of her affections, and he’d started making more of an effort to hang out with her, if only to see the adorable blush that painted her cheeks.

“I can’t,” Marinette wrung her hands together, avoiding his gaze. “I’m belping at the hakery.” her eyes widened “helping at the bakery! I’m helping maman and papa at the bakery.”

Adrien shrugged, swallowing his disappointment. “Okay. Maybe next time?”

“Totally!” she nodded her head jerkily, spinning on her heel and catching herself without stopping when she tripped, and hurrying away.

“What was that about?” Adrien turned to see Alya and Nino watching them in bemusement.

Alya wiggled her eyebrows suggestively “you’re suddenly getting very buddy buddy with Marinette...is there anything you want to share with the class?”

“Not really.” Adrien sighed. “I just want to get her to be more comfortable around me.”

“Uh huh,” Alya used her best journalist voice on him and Adrien sent her a quizzical look. “Why, because you wanna ask her out on a date?”

“Maybe,” he replied absentmindedly, not noticing the gleeful expression that took over Alya’s face at his admission, distracted by the Gorilla who had pulled up the curb outside the school. “Hey do you wanna take the car to the milkshake place or should we walk?”

***

“I think I have a crush,” Chat said out loud. Beside him, Ladybug turned to him, an amused glint in her eye.

"Really”

He smirked “you jealous, bugaboo?”

“Ha!” she scoffed “in your dreams! ”

“Not anymore,” he muttered. Chat had expected things to be awkward after his ill fated ‘date’ with Ladybug, but thankfully, in the month since she’d rejected him, their partnership had only seemed to strengthen. This was due in most part to the fact that they were now on the same page about where they stood as partners-and friends.

It was for this reason then, that he’d bought the subject up at the end of patrol when they simply sat together and talked.

Ladybug’s eyebrows rose high on her forehead. “Wow, it must really be serious then, huh?”

“You have no idea,” he groaned “ever since I found out she has a crush on me, she’s all I think about. And talk about-according to Plagg.”

It had been a slow process, getting closer to Marinette, but the rewards were certainly worth the effort. He could actually hold a conversation with her now, though nine times out of ten Marinette still blushed the entire time. It was adorable.

Chat sighed. “She’s just so amazing. I knew that before since we’ve been friends for a while, but I’ve been talking to her more and I can’t get over the fact that she likes me. She could do so much better, you know?”

“Hey, don’t put yourself down like that! I happen to know for a fact that you’re a pretty amazing guy-anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“Heh, thanks bugaboo,” he smiled softly “enough about me-what’s going on with your guy? Any progress?”

At the mention of her crush, Ladybug blushed, ducking her head shyly. “Actually...we’ve been hanging out a lot recently-I think he’s gonna ask me out.”

“Aw that’s great!” The thought of Ladybug seeing someone else no longer caused a pang of jealousy in his heart, in fact, “I’m happy for you.” he said genuinely.

“I am too,” Ladybug paused. “Happy for you-I mean.” She clarified “I’m happy for you too.”

“Yeah, I think I got that.”

“Shut up ” she nudged him playfully. “You know, you should ask your girl out too. I bet she’d say yes.”

Chat thought about Marinette, the way her eyes crinkled when she laughed; how she got a deep crease in between her brows whenever she concentrated that he had to resist the urge to smooth out; how her hair fell in dark waves around her face whenever she let it down and the way she’d stuttered and blushed after he’d said he liked it that way. How he’d planned at least thirty dates for them already, ready for every occasion, and had only realised what a goner he was after date number twenty three.

“Yeah,” he murmured, looking across the city skyline in the direction he knew Marinette lived. “I think I will”

[sylvies-chen]

From Song to Storyline: Comparing Lorde’s “Melodrama” Album to Hailey Upton’s Upcoming Journey

Ok I couldn’t resist, I made a comment about how Hailey Upton is in her Melodrama era (because yes, I’m an absolute Lorde fanatic) and my loving soulmate @sylviebrettsey mentioned Taylor Swift’s Reputation too, but ALSO how she was unfamiliar with Melodrama so you can thank her for this analysis of why I picked Melodrama as Hailey’s season 9 mood! It’s going to be VERY long so I’ll put everything under the cut but I hope you guys like it! (And Sky, I hope you find this Lorde knowledge to be helpful lol. This is going to be very long but I hope it’s worth it and convinces someone out there to give the album a listen)

Reputation is an album that feels inherently vengeful in all the best ways. Songs like “Getaway Car” and “Don’t Blame Me” fit Hailey’s predicament at the end of season 8 very well, especially in relation to Jay. Those two songs as well as the album in general make for a very intense musical journey and Hailey’s been through a lot of intense things so naturally, it seems like they’d fit together. But based on what we’ve seen in interviews, I picked Melodrama for Hailey Upton’s season 9 era because that whole album plays with the idea of what happens after.

Lorde mostly talks about the crash that happens after a party when referencing this “after” but it acts a metaphor for being on a high note (a relationship, life, careers, etc.) and then crashing down. It’s a gritty, heart-wrenching album that holds so many similarities to what Hailey’s feeling. Coming into season 9, we know she isn’t sleeping, she can’t eat, there’s guilt eating away at her over what she’s done and over having to be around Kim constantly while keeping her secret. We know she’s clinging onto Jay with this proposal, know she’s going to have this internal torment because she can’t tell any of them what happened but Jay’s starting to notice something’s wrong with her and catching on to what happened. So, without further ado, lemme just give you snippets of lyrics from various songs on Lorde’s Melodrama album that fit with different parts of Hailey’s journey— as well as the unit’s journey— going into the new season!

1. “Sober”

In Sober, Lorde writes and sings about her experience of getting a panic attack at a party (Hence, the “Oh God, I’m clean out of air // In my lungs, it’s all gone” line) but then having to act normal because of social expectations and adds the “Played it nonchalant” line. In relation to Hailey, this represents her covering her ruse even though it’s killing her inside. Then, when we move further down these lyrics, it talks about being alone with the truth and dancing with the truth— again, Hailey struggling with the truth of what she did. Then, at the end of this first verse it could almost be seen from Jay’s perspective. “I’m acting like I don’t see // Every ribbon you used to tie yourself to me” is SO similar to what Jesse Lee Soffer’s been saying in interviews about Jay not knowing if Hailey’s proposal was genuine, and also what he and Tracy have said about Hailey’s proposal being genuine but also a product of her clinging on to the one good thing in her life.

2. “Liability”

Ah, yes, finally! The best song on the Melodrama album and arguably one of Lorde’s best songs ever! She wrote this in the back of a cab about the struggle of trying to love herself and worrying she’s too much for her friends. If that’s not a Hailey Upton sentiment going into this season, I don’t know what is! Not only is this applicable to Hailey with the Roy situation but it could also be applied to 8x11 when she was scared that her baggage and trauma around being abused by her father meant she couldn’t be with Jay. Also, now that she’s done this huge, massive thing that she has to live with, it’ll make it even harder for her to love herself— and for her to consider the fact that maybe, if she was truthful about that night, her friends would still love her anyway.

3. “Homemade Dynamite”

Homemade Dynamite, according to Lorde, describes “the moment when you meet someone at a party and an explosive night follows”. Again, right off the bat you see motifs of lies vs. truth when she’s saying let’s let things come out of the woodworks. It also technically talks about being blind to rules and dreams which is perfect for the finale: Hailey was blind to her dream (because let’s be real, thinking she could stop Voight was a fantasy), and Voight was blind to the rules. And just like the song says, it’s all bound to blow up on Hailey sooner or later, like homemade dynamite.

4. “Sober ll”

I feel like I don’t even need to explain my thought process behind this one. Trauma, melodrama, gun fights, terror, horror. ALL OF THESE are key words for what Hailey’s been through and will CONTINUE to go through. “They’ll talk about us, and discover // How we kissed and killed each other” is also applicable to the synopsis about how the FBI is potentially getting involved in discerning what happened to Roy. If they do, it could launch an investigation into the entire unit which could uncover a lot— “kisses each other” being the relationship drama that happens within the unit and “killed each other” being what happened with Roy and Voight’s general track record of murdering criminals and covering it up.

5. “Writer In The Dark”

Ok this first line is pretty much the entire reason I put this section of the song into this post. “I am my mother’s child, I’ll love you ‘til my breathing stops” is very strongly representative of Hailey’s past. She was raised in a household where her mother loved an abusive man and continued to love him even through the abuse of her and her children. It’s traumatizing, sure, but it also explains why Hailey’s reaction to shooting Roy was to go home and propose to Jay. She gets that loyalty from her mother, to the point where she could even stay in situations that hurt her (like refusing to leave Voight in the warehouse). But Jay doesn’t hurt her, he loves her unconditionally too which is why Hailey would love him until her breathing stops— or until, as it proceeds to say, “‘til you call the cops on me”, which is applicable in a much more literal sense.

6. “Supercut”

Supercut is probably my personal favourite of Lorde’s songs. The buildup is beautiful and the come-down is slow and gradual. It’s the epitome of pop in my opinion. But Hailey most definitely plays that moment over in her head and in her head, she would have done the right thing that night. And maybe she’s hoping the unit (Jay especially) will forgive her for shooting Roy instead of letting it cause a fight. This whole song is about replaying moments of a relationship in your head and changing the scenario so that it plays out as if you did everything right. You won’t always do everything right though, because we’re human and make mistakes, but it’s more than plausible that Hailey’s trying to capture that feeling.

7. Liability (Reprise)

Last but not least, we’ve got the reprise for Liability! This one’s a little more generic because it’s just the general vibe of the song that fits Hailey and this PD angst so well but honestly “And all of the shit that we harbour // Make all the kids in the choir sing, “Woo-hoo” is very applicable to Hailey because she’s got a lot of baggage going into this new season. “And maybe all this is the party // Maybe we just do it violently” is another line that fits her situation so well. In addition, since Liability is one of the last songs on this album the outro of the song is almost like the absolute rock bottom reached in the journey the album tells. It could easily be compared to if/when Jay finds out about what Hailey did. (Seriously, just imagine Jay saying “you’re not what you thought you were” to Hailey and tell me that wouldn’t make you cry! In a good way OR a bad way!)

Anyway, IN CONCLUSION: Melodrama is a twisted, heartbreaking album that fits into Hailey Upton’s upcoming journey in season 9 with the Roy storyline PERFECTLY! If you have time to listen to the album— or at least the songs I mentioned— then please do because it’s SO worth it. But until then, we’re going to be in for quite the angsty ride this season when it comes to Chicago PD and personally, I can’t wait to see what they do with it!

[novantinuum]

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: General Audiences

Words: 1600~

Summary: Lapis genuinely doesn’t know how many hours (Days? Months? Years?) have passed when light finally graces her eyes once again.

Ah, my first Lapis POV fic! This one has been in my drafts for ages- at least a year and a half. Feels nice to finally have it done.

If you read this and enjoy, I’d greatly appreciate your support through reblogs here, or kudos/comments on AO3. Thank you! <3

________

Finally Free

It’s funny, in a way.

She spent thousands of years trapped inside herself, unable to form... hating the Crystal Gems... fearing the endless destructive conquest of the Diamonds... and yet in the end, the first time she falls in a battle she fought willingly she does so fighting alongside those star-bearing rebels, face-to-face with the very Diamond who abandoned her to Earth to be forgotten to begin with.

And now, she’s gone. Trapped inside herself again. It’s equal parts disorienting as it is concerning. After all, Lapis Lazuli cannot see the world beyond. She has no way of knowing if the Crystal Gems lost or won. No way of knowing if she’ll be shattered at any moment. It’s nerve-racking— suffocating! She wants out. She wants to know.

But no matter what she tries, she can’t manage to pull herself out of this formless limbo on demand. She always imagined that the next time she got struck down she’d reform in an instant... pop right back up like the next day’s dawn, ready to slice the waves and swing her fists like she’s never been shaken to her knees in the first place. Apparently not.

Despite her dearest wishes, it would seem the universe has a higher agenda.

_

Lapis genuinely doesn’t know how many hours (Days? Months? Years?) have passed when light finally graces her eyes once again.

Fittingly, it’s the ocean who greets her first as she hovers midair in the midst of reformation, arms outstretched and coursing with newfound strength as her form fully solidifies. She gently falls to her knees on the sand. With the sun’s energizing warmth kissing the gemstone on her back, she spreads her fingers through the fine granules, her relief at being free from unconsciousness’ cruel prison so palpable and overwhelming that for a moment she’s irrationally terrified she’ll poof again from the intensity of this fierce emotion alone. Her hard-light body remains solid, however. After all, she’s a stubborn Gem. There’s no way she’ll let herself poof as easily as she did this time around ever again.

Coaxing herself to her feet, she makes a clear point of judiciously surveying her surroundings. Her first big clue as to the outcome of the battle is the fact that the Diamond ships still lay broken and motionless in the shallows at the edge of the peninsula. (Not to mention the fact that the Earth is still... well, here.) Directly behind her, she finds a makeshift worktable formed out of a thick board placed over twin stacks of wood, with plenty of human tools scattered across its surface. No one appears to be hanging around Steven’s house right now, but there’s a sizable tarp thrown over the half that Blue’s ship smashed during the battle. That’s good, that insinuates that someone’s alive to begin repairs. Although, wait a minute... Her brow sharply creases as she filters back through recent memory. Wasn’t that ship still leaning against the side of the cliff when she poofed? How’d it get into the water? And how did the arm ship’s thumb get reattached?

Before she can fret about these mysteries further and and risk losing herself to a burst of paranoid panic, she hears her name called from the distance. Attentively, she whirls around, seeking its source.

It’s Peridot, sprinting right towards her across the fine sand as if the rest of this growing, changing world has somehow hurtled to an abrupt stop. But not her. Goodness, never her. She’s always in motion, always manages to be so alive.

And she... she’s changed her outfit. There’s stars everywhere, on her leggings at her knees, in the silhouette formed by the shape of her visor and hair, and plastered proudly right across her chest. Lapis can’t help but give a fond smirk at the sight. It suits her. Now she can finally represent like a true Crystal Gem.

“Lapis!” she exclaims as she crosses the final distance, lands herself face-to-face once more. “You’re finally back!”

For a minuscule moment the green eyes behind that tinted visor glitter with deep affection and relief, and her arms stretch outward as if she intends to envelop her in a tight embrace and never let go, but as oft is the case, the turbulent waves of emotion coursing through this Gem are riddled with more complexity than initial appearances let on. And if there’s one thing Lapis fails to excel at, it’s understanding how to best respond to the nuances of complex emotions. She’s never been much of a people person, even before her capture.

Eventually, the joyful familiarity within Peridot’s expression dims, and— inhaling deep— she steeples her fingers together as if she were an agate merely addressing a subordinate. The tone of her voice becomes bitingly procedural, detached.

(Try as she may, Lapis can’t block the ephemeral ache this new reality elicits at her core as the conversation continues. She clutches at her wrist, shamefully dropping her gaze to the sand.)

“Anyways,” the former Kindergarten technician says evenly, gesturing at the mess littering the beach behind them, “we have a lot of work to do. No time to waste!”

Her brow creases. “But... didn’t we win?”

“We did, yes,” she nods in confirmation. “Bismuth can explain in more depth, but she’s currently on one of the diamond ships. We’re fixing them so we can fly out as backup.”

“Backup? Backup for what?”

Peridot’s cool and collected guise crumples at this query, her hands curling into small fists as she blinks away any lingering evidence of her distress.

“Steven’s in trouble,” she reveals. “We just received a distress message from him yesterday. I’m told he returned to Homeworld with the Diamonds to discuss healing all the corrupted Gems, but...”

“Something went wrong,” she guesses, the shadow of her bangs darkening over her eyes. “They turned on him.”

“Well... we don’t really know what happened. Which is why time is of the essence!” she says with a sudden surge of positive energy, swiftly jabbing her pointer finger in the air. “Follow me, and I’ll show you where we’re working.”

Her old roommate prepares to jog away, towards the other side of the beach where the ships lay in temporary rot and ruin. Time stills in Lapis’ mind, if but for a brief moment, as she watches the sunlight glint at the upper edge of her visor, the refraction producing almost kaleidoscopic patterns in the sand. The choppy rhythm of the ocean, its undulating melody as it washes in and away from shore, uninterrupted... it almost sounds sad. She hums a few bars of a song she wrote back in her solitude, on the moon. And then she realizes, eyes widening... that she never really left that place, did she? In a way, even though she returned to Earth, it’s like she’s still stuck watching everyone from that observation sphere, still barring herself from nurturing her relationships with others out of fear.

Lapis throws her glance out towards the endless horizon, standing tall and erect as the loose pants of her new form billow against her legs in the light breeze. The long-held tension at her core releases. She’s done closing herself off from people. She’s done with feeling trapped and alone. She wants to mend her relationships, not let them erode away.

Which means... she has to at least try to make things right with Peridot. Somehow.

The tide’s pace resumes to its full intensity. At that precise moment, her friend turns on her heels, swiftly preparing to return to their work site.

“Peridot,” she says, quickly stepping forward to catch her shoulder before she can walk off, before she journeys to some distant shore where she can’t follow.

The shorter Gem freezes in place upon the utterance of her name. She doesn’t respond in words initially, lips tightly pursed. Waiting. Hoping.

(Stars, just say it!)

“I... I shouldn’t have run away,” Lapis blurts out, her form growing lighter the second that vocalization crosses the threshold from her guilt-filled subconscious to shining reality. “That was... a huge mistake. And I really wish I could make it up to you, but...” Her scattered focus shifts as she searches for something— anything— to say in further acknowledgement of her regret, eventually landing upon the shattered remnants of wood still strewn across the beach. She sighs sadly, giving her respects. “I’m pretty sure we can both agree that the barn’s a goner.”

Under her hold, Peridot’s once-tense shoulder relaxes. She makes no move to face her, however, still drinking in the no-doubt humbling sight of this planet’s boundless sea

“Well,” she begins slowly. “As long as you work to communicate with your friends whenever you feel overwhelmed in the future, and promise not to kidnap all of my morps into space again, I think we can call it even.”

She places one of her hands atop hers, the action but a small sign of their renewed goodwill.

“In any case, I’m- really glad you’re back,” she says, fondness evident in her tone.

Lapis smiles.

The ocean’s melody is no longer tinged with a companionless melancholy.

_

It’s funny how things can change.

She spent thousands of years terrified of the consequences of being caught as traitor to the Great Diamond Authority, and now she’s planning to illegally commandeer a diamond ship to fly a rescue mission into the stagnant heart of Homeworld. She’s only been a Crystal Gem for the equivalent of a few minutes, and yet she’s already reformed bolder and braver than ever before.

She feels strong. Despite the inherent danger of their task, she feels an ever-building reassurance, fighting amongst her friends. For the first time ever, she finally feels like someone has her back.

Lapis closes her eyes as she reflects on the culmination of her journey, standing confident alongside her dear friend on the bridge of Blue’s ship.

No more searching. No more running. She’s finally free.

[sarcasticfina]

Fic Writer Tag Game

How many works do you have on AO3? 263

What’s your total AO3 word count? 4,901,188

How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they? including the fandoms on FFnet, that haven't yet been moved over to ao3, that'd be a total of 37. separating the larger fandoms (marvel, dcu) into their individual parts: Thor; Arrow; Smallville; The Vampire Diaries; Glee; Captain America; Supernatural; Teen Wolf; Iron Man; Life with Derek; Firefly; Friday Night Lights; X-Men; Fantastic Four; Harry Potter; Sons of Anarchy; Girl Meets World; Batman; Daredevil; From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series; Transformers; Lost Girl; Game of Thrones; Banshee; High School Musical; The OC; One Tree Hill; CSI: New York; Degrassi; Gossip Girl; NCIS; The Unusuals; Criminal Minds; iCarly; Secret Life of the American Teenager; Twilight; and The Listener

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. and I wonder (if everything could ever feel this real forever) - darcy/bucky - Steve tells him that Darcy's harmless. Bucky imagines, on paper, Darcy is harmless. HYDRA wouldn't give her a second glance. But he does. He can barely keep his eyes off her. He's not sure he wants to. | Kudos: 5576

2. I Climbed The Tree To See The World (When The Gusts Came Around To Blow Me Down, I Held On As Tightly As You Held On To Me) - darcy centric | darcy/steve - The path to self-discovery, including becoming Coulson's assistant-slash-liaison-slash-bff, Captain America's lady love, and rating fourth on the SHIELD BAMF scale, was like the yellow brick road; it was chaos and confusion around every bend. | Kudos: 3973

3. Take a little piece of my heart (and keep it for yourself) - oliver/felicity - A collection of Olicity prompts on Tumblr posted here for easier access/reading. | Kudos: 3498

4. You put your arms around me (and I'm home) - darcy/bucky - A collection of Darcy/Bucky oneshots, drabbles, and prompt fills. | Kudos: 3293

5. you (anchor me back down) - darcy/bucky - "I'll be right back." Famous last words. | Kudos: 2747

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? not all of them. i do try to keep up on them, especially on longer stories when there's been significant wait times in between chapters, or when a reader is asking a question or is unclear on something. and especially when someone writes a really indepth comment/review, i like to respond to those and talk about motivations and character growth.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? I've written a number of fics that either had suicide or major character death, so i'm not sure if one outranks the other in terms of most angsty... hmm... i remember "be still and know that I'm with you (be still and know that I am here)" and "light a match, burn the world to ash (I will watch it die, and hold your hand as I fly)" both got some pretty intense reactions when they were posted. And "It's Your Song That Sets Me Free (I Sing It While I Feel I Can't Go On)" was basically just angst from beginning to end. buuuuut, i think i'll say "so you think you can tell (heaven from hell" was, only because there's a build up of everything going so right, only to pivot at the end, so it feels very bittersweet.

Do you write crossovers? If so what’s the craziest one you’ve written? i loooooove crossovers. i find writing in the marvel fandom makes things quite easy, but also smallville. as long as i can find a common thread, i enjoy finding a way to overlap two shows. i'll say the hardest one to write was "ruby red slippers (unavailable in her size)." I'm not sure why, but i found writing each personality together just felt strange. i liked the idea behind the story, but i definitely remember feeling like i was really forcing myself to keep going, like something just didn't fit right.

Have you ever received hate on a fic? oh, definitely. you cannot please everyone, it's impossible. for the most part, hate comes and i either argue back, take the criticism for what it's worth, or just ignore it when it's baseless. i think the hate that bothered me the most was a homophobic PM someone sent me re: "you know I will adore you ('til eternity)," on FFnet. i actually went and searched it up. they've since blocked me so i can't read our whole thread back and forth. but i did put part of it on tumblr so i could rant on it a bit, so you can see that here.

Do you write smut? If so what kind? ha. yes. depending on the story, it can be really detailed or really flowery. it depends on the ship, the plot, and how graphic i feel like being. i've definitely become more comfortable over the years with my writing. that said, i think everybody likes something different. i once had a reviewer tell me a sex scene was too much, just too intense. it was a stefan/caroline story and to be fair, that entire oneshot was just them fucking, lol, but it is what it is. to each their own.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Multiple times.

Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes! for the record, i am always happy to have my stories translated and shared. i just like having a link sent to me and to be credited.

What’s your all time favorite ship? i have a list of OTPs, because interests change and as shows come and go, my love for a ship can be shelved for a while before it pops back up at random. currently, i can't get enough of buck/eddie from 9-1-1. and, historically, chloe/oliver (smallville) and felicity/oliver (arrow) have been two of my top OTPs. but i think i'd have to go with bonnie/damon. they had all the potential and the show dropped the ball by not exploring it. at the same time, that's kind of a blessing, because i don't trust those writers to properly explore what they had without eventually destroying it for the likes of de/ena. it means a treasure trove for writing where it could have gone and all the what if's.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish, but don’t think you ever will? the intention is always to finish. but given how i feel about allison mack and how that impacts my feelings re: chloe sullivan, pretty much anything with her as a main character is not something i see myself returning to.

What are your writing strengths? What are your writing weaknesses? i'm putting these together because my strength is my weakness. i love to write. when i get an idea, i go all in and i will skip eating and sleeping to just write write write. but i also eventually hit a wall and i get so many ideas that i hyperfocus on one until the steam is gone and then i hyperfocus on the next one to maintain that need to keep writing, accidentally leaving the last story in the dust for entirely too long. i also have clinical depression that comes and goes, which hasn't been super great mixed with covid and isolation, so more often recently, i find myself overly exhausted and despite wanting to write, can rarely get motivated to do so. so, pre-covid, wrote so much i left entirely too many stories dangling. during covid, i've just been reading and struggling to get myself focused enough to do what i love.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? i appreciate the authenticity when possible, but i've recently been reading more about how native speakers of other languages feel when a) their language is butchered by google translate, or b) it's just not genuine in terms of how bilingual speakers act or speak.

What was the first fandom you’ve written for? it was smallville, but i remember adopting it out to someone else because i wasn't going to finish it. so if you look at my ffnet, the first fandom i wrote for appears to be x-men: the movie, but i remember writing a chloe/oliver story prior to that.

What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written? i have a lot. i mean, on ffnet, i have 576 stories, many of which were transferred over to ao3, with a lot of oneshots and drabbles getting joined together into collections. so there's a ton to pick from that span a 14-ish year timeline.

"you know I will adore you ('til eternity)" and "let me break (the walls that surround me)" hold a special place in my heart.

honestly, each story is important in its own way. there are bits and pieces of each that i love. every time i write something new it feels like my favorite. my best. and then a new idea comes along. there are scenes i've written that i loved more than the whole of what they became. lines that stand out that are almost too good to be a part of the larger picture.

one of my all time favorite passages i've written was bonnie's thoughts on damon and herself in 'if you love me (let me go)":

He is far from perfect. He is a novel of red, corrective ink. He is frayed pages and torn binding. His life, his choices, his mistakes leave lasting effects on everyone he meets.

She is a lifeboat with a hole in it. An anchor that drowns in the sea while everyone else remains steady above. She is both the calm and the storm, and while she screams that she will not be tamed, she cries. Bittersweet tears that go unnoticed and uncared about.

there are other stories, other pieces of dialogue, that i've been proud of. that make me laugh when i re-read them. that make me cry. and i love them. there are others that make me wilt and cringe and regret. it's a process. love and pride and growth, all bound together.

Tagging: @absentlyabbie, @anonymous033, and anyone else who'd like to fill this all out, haha

[iamdeku]

Friday (I’m In Love): Oikawa x Reader

You don’t know Oikawa Tooru. You don’t want to know Oikawa Tooru. But when fate and circumstance bring you two together, you’re forced to confront, over a series of Fridays, your worst fear. You might have been wrong. Also, you might be in love.

Wordcount: 4.3k

Warnings: Some brief bullying from a girl I accidentally named Annoying. Pining.

Oikawa Tooru was one of the most obnoxious guys you had ever met. He thought he was the coolest guy in school, and he was not at all shy about sharing that opinion. He never stopped talking about himself in that high-pitched, whiny voice of his. You hated him. 

So why you had agreed to tutor him was beyond you.

You supposed it paid well enough, but you were dreading your first session. You had prepared yourself to bite your tongue until it bled through his mansplaining. You were probably going to want to die by the end of the experience, but at least you would have some extra cash for the holidays.

Your boots kicked through the drifts of snow, pure as a coal miner after a long day doing overtime. The cold ice crunched under your weight, and you pulled your coat closer, wishing you had a scarf to help provide protection against the biting wind from the cold flushed skin on your face. Your headphones offered some protection to your ears at least, blasting your favorite song in an effort to raise your spirits.

The warm rush of the library’s heating system slammed into you in a wall of heat as you searched for the annoying setter. It took you longer than you thought to find him, expecting the loud man you knew and instead finding someone significantly more studious. He was hunched over one of the library tables, gray cardigan wrapped around his body, glasses perched on his nose.

You hoisted your satchel more firmly up your shoulder, bracing yourself for whatever weird thing was about to happen. Was he trying to look like he knew what he was talking about? Did he want to show off? You really weren’t sure.

You were hesitant to venture forward, but you did anyway, taking a seat next to him. Oikawa immediately looked up, blinking at you a couple of times before giving one of his usual smiles.

“Oh good, you’re here! As much as I’m great at everything, I have to admit that this has been giving me a little bit of trouble. I was so happy to hear you could help me. Iwa-chan won’t anymore, that traitor.”

You couldn’t blame Iwaizume for getting frustrated with Oikawa’s behavior, even if he had chosen to befriend the disaster sitting casually in front of you. You pulled out your books, writing utensils and laptop. You were a self-professed nerd, so you had brought a surplus of pens, highlighters, and other instruments to the table. You had a reputation to keep up after all.

“Well, I guess we should get to work. What part of this are you having trouble understanding?” You asked, pulling open your textbook.

Oikawa explained his troubles to you, and you were surprised to find how intelligent he was. Everything he found difficult to understand was...well, understandable. You could see why he would struggle in those areas, and for some of them you had struggled as well, despite this being your favorite subject. 

Even more surprising, you found out he could be a good listener when he wanted to be. It was alarming, actually, how attentively he could listen. Damn it, he took notes on the things you said, writing down the important parts of your explanations.

As you started to pack up, you saw sparks of the Oikawa you knew.

“Thanks for that, cutie. You’re pretty smart, you know? Of course, you’re smart enough to already know that. Besides, I wouldn’t have asked you to tutor me if you weren’t the best.” He winked. “See you next Friday.”

He didn’t even ask if you wanted to meet him next week. Gosh, he was the worst.

 Even with Oikawa “I’m the Worst” Tooru dragging you down, you were still resolved to keep showing up to these tutoring sessions. They weren’t half as bad as you thought they would be, and you hadn’t stopped needing the money. You could have gotten a better gig, but frankly this was a pretty easy job, easier than you thought it would be. It was, loathe though you were to say it, the best option.

Besides, you were the kind of person who kept their promises, though you weren’t sure you could say the same of Oikawa.

He was late. He was a whole 3 minutes late and you were only on your second session. If he kept up this kind of behavior you were going to have to have a serious discussion with him about timeliness. Your time was valuable, and none of this had anything at all to do with you needing something to justify your dislike of him.

You were halfway through writing your future lecture on timeliness when Oikawa arrived, slightly breathless and windswept, cheeks pink from the cold. Despite looking as though he had run all the way here, he had the nerve to still look all handsome and charismatic. It irritated you.

“Sorry about being late. The guys and I were practicing volleyball and we totally lost track of time.”

He gave you a sheepish smile, recognizing his mistake, and something in the general area of your chest did a little flip. It was probably a rib rotating in disgust.

“It’s alright. Just don’t let it happen again.”

Oikawa gave you his signature charming smile as he sat next to you.

“You know, you could stand to loosen up a little. I know you’re more fun than this, somewhere deep down in that nerdy little heart of yours.”

You rolled your eyes. “It’s not my job to be having fun with you.”

“Ah, but it could be.”

“Just open your textbook, Oikawa-san.”

He pulled the book out of his bag, flipping it open on the desk but not bothering to look down at it.

“Come on. Seriously. I got a way better grade than usual on the pop quiz we got this week. I feel like I should thank you for everything you’re doing for me. What are you doing tomorrow?”

The truthful, sad answer was that you were doing nothing at all, actually. You had tried to make plans with your friends, but they were all “busy” with something or other. While it pained you deeply, Oikawa was right. You had no social life.

You sighed. “I’m not busy tomorrow.”

“Well, that settles it then. The guys and I have practice. You can come watch the end of it if you want, and then we’re all going out for dinner. You should come.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Oikawa’s face lit up in a way you hadn’t expected, and he smiled down at his textbook as he turned it to the relevant page.

“Good. Prove to us that you can have fun after all.”

“Watch it. You’ll remember it’s in your best interest to stay in my good graces.”

Oikawa just laughed at your threat like it was meaningless. He was right to do it. You hated to admit it, but even now he was starting to grow on you.

Oikawa started explaining what he was having trouble with, and just as you were really getting into your subject, you were interrupted by a shrill scream. You stiffened in immediate panic, swiveling in your chair to find the source of the sound. Oikawa, on the other hand, looked momentarily annoyed before pulling his Prince Charming façade into place.

“Oh my gosh!!! Tooru-kun is that you!”

You felt a wave of deep-set annoyance go through you at the girl’s tone of voice. Not only had she caused you to be genuinely alarmed, but she was clearly being way to familiar with Oikawa, unless he had a girlfriend you hadn’t heard about.

“Hey there!” Oikawa turned to face the girl headed towards you, an indulgent smile on his face.

“Oh my gosh! I saw your practice earlier and you were like, so good.” The girl gushed.

“Thank you. That’s very nice of you to say.” Oikawa seemed genuinely flattered at this, if you were so bold as to assume you could tell the difference between the fake him and the real him.

The girl giggled, stars in her eyes before they turned to you, darkening dramatically. “Oh, who is this? Is she like, your girlfriend or something?”

You didn’t like the turn the girl’s tone of voice had taken. There was something distinctly catty to the way she said the world ‘girlfriend’ that made your stomach turn. You had met plenty of mean girls in your life, and now alarm bells were going off in your head.

“No, no. Just my lovely tutor. She’s helping me out in my worst class. She’s very talented.”

Oikawa seemed to have picked up on the change in tone, shifting slightly to be in front of you. Presumably, this was to block you from the daggers the girl was glaring at you.

“Remind me your name, would you?” Oikawa’s smile had grown tense.

“Oh, my name is Miko! How could you forget?” She pouted elaborately.

“Silly me!” If at all possible, Oikawa’s megawatt smile grew brighter as he caught her attention again, drawing her in once more. “I remember now. How have you been, Miko-san?”

You smirked to yourself at the honorific, so different from how she had referred to him earlier.

“I’ve been great! Way better now that I get to catch up with you. I missed you!” She stuck out her lower lip like she was trying to catch something with it.

“Well, I hope to see you at my next game, once we’re back in season. Thanks so much for stopping by!”

Oikawa’s body turned towards the table, clearly indicating that the conversation was over. Miko didn’t get the message.

“What are you studying? Maybe I can join you. I’m pretty smart, you know.”

You had officially had enough. You stood from your place, glaring at the girl in a similar fashion to how she had looked at you earlier, but for very different reasons.

“Listen, Miko-chan,” you said, purposefully pitching your voice up into an imitation of her own calling for Oikawa. “I don’t know who you think you are, but this is a tutoring session. So unless you intend to pay me for my services, I really am going to need you to find somewhere else in this rather large library to study.”

The girl turned to you, and you expected some kind of temper tantrum, maybe a few crocodile tears before she walked away, but what you got was far worse. She smiled at you sickly sweet, planting a hand on your table and leaning in.

“Pay you for your services? Oh, so I guess you’re nothing more than a common who-”

Oikawa stood from his chair, the legs loudly scraping across the floor as he grabbed her arm. He turned her to face him harshly, and you would never forget the look on his face. You had seen the prince of Aoba Johsai wear many faces, most of them some version of the charming, charismatic boy you knew. You had never before seen the look of cold rage he wore now, grip firm on her forearm as he practically snarled at her.

“You’re not going to call her that. You’re not going to call anyone that ever. If I see you at one of my games, I will make sure you are promptly escorted out. Leave. Now.”

The girl stood still for a moment, frozen in terror, before turning on her heel and bolting as Oikawa released her. You blinked in shock a few times, unaware that your classmate was capable of such emotion, let alone such anger.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” you said quietly, the first words to cross your mind. “She’ll go around telling everyone you’re an awful person now. I wouldn’t be surprised if you got in trouble or if she started some kind of weird hate club.”

Oikawa scowled as he sat back down, mind clearly still elsewhere.

“I don’t care. People shouldn’t talk to you like that. Nothing about what she just did was okay. Whatever repercussions I face for that, so be it.”

You stared at him in surprise. Oikawa had come to your defense, at no personal gain to himself. Sure, anyone should have done that, but you never thought he would. Maybe he wasn’t so bad after all.

“Hey.” You nudged his side gently, and he softened, looking down at you. “That invitation to your practice still open? I think I’d like to see you play. I hear you’re ‘so great’ or something.”

He smiled again at your gentle teasing. “Yeah. We’d love to have you.”

  As the months went on, you began to acknowledge that Oikawa was not what you had thought he was. Reluctant as you were to admit it, you considered him a friend now. As you had grown to know him better, it became obvious that everything you had thought about Oikawa before had been a mask he put up to impress people.

“If you keep poking me with that pencil, I will stab you in the eye with it,” you mumbled, not bothering to look up from your paper until a soft spring breeze floated through the library door as it opened.

“Iwa-chan! She’s being mean again!” Oikawa whined.

Iwaizume, ready to join your Friday study session, cast a lazy gaze over the both of you, assessing the situation in half a second.

He shrugged. “It looks like you deserved it.”

“I’m wounded, Iwa!” Oikawa threw an arm over his chest, falling back in his chair.

You rolled your eyes even as a smile tugged at your mouth. You had gotten used to Oikawa misbehaving. Some might go so far as to say you liked it. Some might even go so far as to say you liked him.

You would deny it if asked, of course. The way you blushed when he complimented you was the same as the way you blushed when anyone complimented you. The warm tingle left on your skin when he touched you was just because he was warm, infecting you with it, burning you alive. And the way you couldn’t breathe around him sometimes? Well, nobody could prove that.

Nobody could prove that Oikawa Tooru was your best friend, and nobody could prove that you were in love with your best friend.

Oikawa rested his head on your shoulder, and you wish you could say you had long learned how to ignore the jump of your heart, but you were only human. You still caught your breath, still felt an ache somewhere in your chest when he did it. It was the sort of feeling you got when you saw something in a shop window you couldn’t have but amplified by a million. It was so strong that sometimes you wanted to scream it out, wanted to stomp your feet and throw a fit like a kid in the grocery aisle because you wanted something you couldn’t have but oh, how you wanted it.

It consumed you some days, the way you wanted Oikawa. The way you wanted to peel back his layers, make him reveal that real self you caught glimpses of when he was with you. The soft boy who cried during sad movies, the brave boy who fought for you when you were sad, the silly boy who made faces just to get a rise out of you. It creeped like a sickness through your bones until you wanted to throw up, wanted to lay in bed all day in your sticky sweet misery and sob taffy tears, taste them on your tongue.

“Who are you going with to the spring dance?” Oikawa asked you, breath blowing against your neck in a way he couldn’t know sent shivers through you.

“I’m not going,” you said, returning to your textbook now that Iwaizume had established his presence.

Oikawa sat up, posture stiff with his indignance.

“Not going? How can you be not going? I know for a fact there are at least 5 boys planning to ask you.”

“They asked. I said no. I’m not going.”

“Why not? It will be fun!”

You grit your teeth, trying to ignore the nasty feeling in your gut. You couldn’t very well tell him that you didn’t want to go just to watch him dance with every member of his little fan club. You refused to explain how absolutely heartbreakingly awful it would be to go and watch him rotate through his carousel of girls, all of them beautiful, all of them wanting him, none of them you.

“I’m studying. You know, that thing smart people do when they want to pass their classes?”

Iwaizume snorted.

“I know what studying is.” Oikawa glared. “I thought you would want to come, though. I figured you would already have a dress picked out and a date and everything.”

For a guy trying to convince you to go to this thing, Oikawa sounded almost sad talking about it. He especially seemed rather melancholy at the prospect of your date. You wondered if maybe one of your potential dates was somebody Oikawa hated or something. Not that it mattered, since you had turned them all away.

“I don’t really want to go. These things aren’t really fun anyway. Besides, all the guys who asked me were jerks.”

“That’s true,” Iwaizume said. “Didn’t Itsuki ask you? That guy got in 4 fights just this week. Pretty sure I heard him in the bathroom bragging about…actually, never mind. Point is he’s a jerk.”

“Trust me, I know. They were all like that, too.” You groaned. “If one decent guy had asked me, maybe I would have gone, but apparently there’s something about me that draws in the Itsuki’s of the world. So, I’m not going. I’m just going to stay home and watch tacky movies and do homework.”

“Go with me.”

You froze at Oikawa’s offer. He couldn’t be serious. Didn’t he already have a date? Didn’t he already have girls lining up around the block to go to this stupid thing with him?

“Don’t you already have a date? I thought…” You trailed off, unsure what exactly you had thought.

“No. I…I heard the person I was planning to ask was rejecting everyone who asked her. Didn’t want to risk it.”

For whatever reason, Iwaizume rolled his eyes from where he sat across from you.

“Okay. Well…can’t you just go with one of your fangirls?”

You weren’t sure why exactly you were fighting this. This was what you had wanted, but not like this. You had wanted him to ask you because he liked you, not because he was too afraid to ask some other girl who was apparently too good for the student body population.

“I don’t want to go with them. I want to go with somebody I like.”

Oikawa’s soft brown eyes were too earnest staring into your face. You couldn’t say no to him when he looked at you like that, so open and vulnerable you could almost pretend it was a confession. It would have been terribly cruel of you to turn him down now.

You sighed. “I guess I have to buy a dress now.”

Oikawa smiled. “Yay! You don’t deserve to be cooped up all night in your room. I promise I’ll make this fun for you.”

“You’d better,” you teased. “I’ll tell you once I know the color of the dress. That way you can match your tie.”

“Perfect.”

If you closed your eyes and didn’t think about it too hard, you could almost pretend it was a real date.

 When the Friday night of the dance came, you really did almost believe it was a real date. Oikawa had told you he was going to pick you up, but he hadn’t told you that he was going to bring a corsage or charm the pants off your parents. He was acting like you were the girl he had wanted to take this whole time.

He opened your door for you before you got into the car, taking your hand to help you balance as you stepped into the car in your heels. You were dumbstruck when he reached over to buckle you in and make sure you were safe before heading over to the driver’s side. You tried frantically to control your breathing as he got the car started.

It was a short drive to the school, but the whole way there you could barely talk to him, trying to figure out his game. Was he doing this because he didn’t want you to feel like you were missing out? That had to be it. He was probably just trying to show you what a good date was like.

When you got to the school, he helped you out of the car, and you finally admitted it to yourself. When he escorted you in, despite everything, you sort of felt like a princess. Oikawa looked so dashing in his tux, his tie matching the shade of your dress, everything coming together perfectly for a moment before it came crashing down with the realization that you were not the person he had wanted to take to this thing.

In spite of that, though, he seemed intent to act like it. Oikawa’s fan club mobbed you as soon as you entered, but he ignored all of them entirely for once.

“Sorry ladies, but as you can see, I am escorting my date. Any other day you know you all have my attention, but I’m afraid tonight is all about us.” He flashed you a shy smile as he said it, cheeks turning pink on the word us. “Do you want to dance?”

“Uh….sure.”

He was being weird about this. You didn’t have much time to think about that though before he swung you out on the dance floor, swaying you to the beat of the music. The first few songs were fast, but eventually they played a slow song, and so you two danced a slow dance, Oikawa’s hands settled gently on your waist and yours around his neck. He had you pulled close though, enough so that his head curved over your shoulder and your ear pressed against his.

“So, I was thinking,” he said.

“Oh no. That’s always dangerous.” You laughed a little bit.

“Haha, very funny. But seriously, we’re graduating soon, and I…I don’t want to lose you.”

You couldn’t see his face with the position you were in, but you could hear the tenderness of his voice. Your heart ached with it even as he voiced the thought you had been having for a while now. You were coming to the close of your final year and you had wondered if, when you were no longer in school, you would have to face the reality of Oikawa no longer wanting to spend time with you.

“I don’t want to lose you either,” you said softly.

“Yeah but…” Oikawa released a shaky sigh. “I don’t know if that means the same thing to you.”

Oikawa pulled back, far enough to look you in the eyes. You were too astonished to protest, staring up at him with your mouth fallen open in surprise.

“I want something more. I know you’ve just barely accepted me as a friend and you hardly even tolerate me and I know I’m annoying and loud and brash and obnoxious. I know all of that, but I need you to know that you’re everything I’m not. You’re gentle and smart and careful and considerate and you were the one I wanted to take to this dance. You. Not anyone else. That’s all I have to say.” He laughed bitterly. “I guess that’s my confession. I don’t expect you to accept it.”

Before you could stop him, he let go of you, starting to retreat through the crowd of dancing bodies around you.

“Tooru!” You used his first name in your excitement, forgetting any need to pretend distance.

He stopped when he heard you, a look of desperate hope on his face. You grabbed his hand, pulling him back into you.

“I wanted to come to the dance with you too. You’re my best friend, but you’re so much more than that. I’m so stupidly in love with you, but I never thought that you would feel the same. I do accept your feelings. All of them. Even the big, loud, obnoxious, dramatic ones. I love them. I love all of it. So let’s not lose each other. I was thinking that after we graduate, I’m probably going to go to college, but I don’t know if you have plans to go pro with your volleyball, or maybe-”

You were cut off when he grabbed your face between his hands, crushing your lips to his. Right there, in front of everybody, Oikawa Tooru started making out with you in the middle of the dance floor. Nobody really noticed the two extra teenagers kissing on the dance floor, but you felt your heart soar.

“We can work all of that out later. For now, I just want to dance with you.”

“And kiss me?” You teased.

“Yes. I would very much like to keep kissing you.”

You laughed, leaning into his shoulder again. The song changed, picking up pace to something more upbeat, and you changed your dance style in accordance with it. You could see Iwaizume on the side of the dance floor looking at you two approvingly, and when you made eye contact, he gave you a thumbs up.

Later, you would have to worry about college and volleyball and everything else. Eventually, it would all work out in the end, though not without some troubles. That Friday though, you danced the night away with your best friend turned boyfriend, and finally admitted to yourself that Oikawa Tooru was the best.

[colorfullfalls]

Me & You

Summary: Calum’s best friend internally pinned after him for years. At a party she finds out that Calum is seeing someone and her heart breaks. Except Harry Styles is there to make her feel better.

Calum and Y/N. A phrase heard so much to the people that knew them. Growing up as neighbors, they were the definition of a team. Y/N was the one who taught Calum how to whistle, he taught her how to ride a bike. Childhood memories engraved in their minds bonded the two together like magnets.

Calum took Y/N with them when they left as a band. She had a rough life at home and he wanted her out of there. Since then the Hood’s and the band became her family.

“Y/N, what are you doing? That is not how to hang up a balloon.” Calum laughed out, pointing to the balloon that was only half taped on.

She blew hair out of her face, her hands falling to rest on her waist. She gave him an exasperated look, “How else do you suppose to do it, Hood? You can’t put a tack in it, it’ll pop!”

Calum playfully pushed her out of the way and tacked the part that was tied off to keep the air from zooming out. He successfully completed the task and gave her a smug grin.

“It’s almost like it worked...”

She shoved his shoulder as she walked past him to stir the Buffalo dip in the crock pot, “Fuck off mate, I really tried my best.”

Calum paused at her words. He knew she was joking and her tone matched, but he did feel sort of bad. When he called her to ask about throwing a surprise party for Ashton’s birthday, she immediately was on board. She bought decorations, the cake, and helped him invite everyone. She really was trying her best.

“You are the most wonderful friend I’ll ever have.” He softly said, turning her to bop her nose before giving her a hug.

Her insides fluttered at the way his voice sounded so honest. She already loved him with all of heart and him saying shit like that didn’t help it. Because she over thought things- well everything. Especially when it came to them and their friendship.

All the other boys in the band had serious girlfriends that they were building their life with. Sure, Cal had girlfriends along the way- much to her dismay, but he wasn’t seeing anyone and hadn’t in about two years or so. Maybe he was holding out for her? She knew it was a outlandish idea but was it really? They grew up together, did everything together, and she developed feelings so was it too wild if he did too?

She relished the feeling of his arms wrapped around her. He smelled so nice all of the time and the scent was uniquely just him. Her trust in people was hesitant due to her parents but Calum was the one true person who she was completely vulnerable to. The boys were close but not to the level of trust she gave to the man in front of her.

He pulled away when he heard the bell ring, “People are arriving, my lovely Y/N. Shall we go greet them?” Calum mocked in a posh accent.

An hour later everyone was finally at the party, well besides Ashton. Y/N saw that Harry Styles was there and she offered him a smile as he walked up next to her. He gave her a warm hug, his hands resting comfortably against her back. His warm skin burned through her shirt and she mentally sighed when he pulled away.

“It’s been a while since we’ve seen eachotha love.” He said, offering his boyish grin that killed his fans.

Her and Harry hung out during the tour when 5sos joined them. While the boys were playing on stage, he would stand and watch with her. During that tour they became pretty good friends, and he did his best to keep up with her. Only a few noticed, but Harry always kept his eye out for her, but it was hard to get her without Calum.

“Last I saw you, you were just about to release Fine Line.” She spoke.

“I remember, ran into you while walking home. Have you listened to any of it?” He asked almost sheepishly, shoving his hands into his pockets.

Y/N now just noticed how nicely dressed he was. His black flowy pants went well his nice long sleeve butto up baby blue shirt. The first couple buttons were undone to reveal his beautiful chest. She felt her eyes drift, but quickly looked up at his green eyes.

She wasn’t stupid, Harry was absolutely beautiful. His beauty radiated and his personality amplified that by one thousand. He was mature, deep, and kind but also had a playful boyish side. And sass, lots of sass added to it. He made sure to check up on her weekly and she knew that he would help her with anything she asked.

She’d fall for him if it wasn’t for Calum.

“Harry, who hasn’t heard that whole album in it’s entirety? It’s amazing, man! Cherry melted me in the best way. Putting Camille’s voice in it? Genius. You put your heart into your music and it really shows...” you blushed slightly as you realized that you just gushed over him.

He shrugged his shoulders at your praise in the humble way that only Harry Styles could. His green eyes twinkled in the light at the idea of Y/N adoring his album. Songs that were a part of him.

He wanted to admit that Sunflower, Vol 6. and Golden were about her. That she inspired him to form lyrics that made people feel the same love he felt. She was his muse and she didn’t even know it. Harry wanted to tell her, but he wasn’t blind. Something was between her and Calum.

He respected Calum and didn’t want to interfere, but it was hard when his feelings never went away. And not there she stood so pretty in front of him, telling her that she listened to his music. That she loved Cherry. It was ironic that she mentioned the one about his ex but not the the two written solely about his thoughts surrounding her.

“Means so much to me that you enjoy it. I was actually wondering if you wanted to co-write a song with me for my next album?” He said, his left hand playing with the rings on his right.

Her lips quirked into a pure smile, “Me? Harry..”

“Don’t be bashful, I know you help write with the boys, even if you don’t let the public know.. Ash told me about it when we got drunk a year ago.” He admitted.

She scoffed, “I’m gonna hurt him....”

“So, what do you say? It can literally be about anything. It’ll be perfect. I’ll even buy you dinner over it.”

She paused before replying. Helping Harry with a song sounded fun and like a good opportunity to actually work with other artists, but it was a vulnerable thing. Sure, the two have had deep talks while high or drunk, but this would be a whole different thing. The last song she had worked on was Best Years and she thought of Calum the whole time writing it. That’s why it was so easily to spill out because he was across from her the whole time.

“If I write a song with you, do you promise to make sure I don’t get too drunk tonight? Because I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow and doing that hungover would just suck...” she said, making Harry clap in excitement.

“We have a deal, love.”

He extended his hand and they shook on it.

Y/N glanced over to where Calum was when she saw an unfamiliar woman standing beside him. She didn’t recognize her and honestly she was confused. Calum always told her when he met someone and he never told Y/N about her.

Harry followed her gaze and noticed the woman too, “Who’s that?”

Y/N crossed her arms, “No freaking clue...”

Calum caught their eyes and waved before grabbing her hand and brining her to them. Y/N’s eyes widened at their intertwined fingers, emotional pain twisting around her guts.

“Hey guys, this is my girlfriend, Maya.”He said, raising their joint hands as they both smiled from ear to ear. Y/N wanted to puke.

Maya was wicked beautiful. Her short baby blue hair matched Harry’s button up shirt. The color suddenly seemed unappealing to Y/N. Not only was Maya’s hair cool, but she had a dope septum piercing and had piercings and tattoos. Her beautiful hazel eyes smiled with genuine kindness and Y/N wanted to run away.

Calum was dating someone, but it wasn’t her. Y/N scolded herself for not preparing herself for this exact situation. Calum Hood was a beautiful man with a beautiful heart and wicked talent, of course he would find someone. She had just been dumb enough believe it would’ve been her.

Calum sensed Y/N’s unease and he suddenly felt bad for not giving her a heads up. He started seeing Maya two months ago and wanted to make sure it was solid before he had her meet the people so dear to him. He realized that was a mistake.

“I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.” Harry stated what Y/N wanted to but couldn’t.

Calum sheepishly shrugged as he looked at the hurt on his best friend’s face, “Sometimes things are better kept a secret.”

Anger swirled around Y/N like quicksand encapsulating her entire body. She wanted to punch him. Couldn’t he see the pain in her eyes and he had to joke about it and say something stupid like that? How could he be so daft about how she felt for him? He was her world.

She loved him with all of her being; however, at this moment she wanted to never see him again. She wasn’t the best at handling her emotions, so this pain transferred to anger.

Y/N rolled her eyes, “Sometimes friendships aren’t what you think they are. It was nice meeting you, Maya. Come on, Harry.”

She grabbed Harry’s hand and stalked off to the balcony of the house. The British lad followed silently behind her, willing to do anything she needed. As selfish as it was, he was glad to be the one she seemed comfort from.

Crocodile tears slipped out of her eyes as she wiped at them in an embarrassed and frustrated manor. She looked out at the hills of California and grumbled under her breath about love being dumb. Harry quietly shut the sliding glass door and walked over to lean on the railing beside her.

“You’re in love with him.” He softly stated.

She let out a pitiful laugh, “That obvious?”

He didn’t reply for a moment. Instead he took the time to observe her, and his heart stung at the sight in front of him. Her eyes were no longer the vast universe before him that made him believe that life was eternal, instead they were a sunken wasteland filled with sorrow.

Her knuckles were white from how hard she was making fists and her leg was bouncing up and down with anxiety. Harry recalled the one other time he saw her like this. It was when they got a late dinner together and her mom somehow called her.

He hated seeing her upset then and he hates it even more now.

“If you don’t show that you care about someone, you’re not human. Calum is your best friend that has been by your side, it’s natural to catch feelings. And you shouldn’t feel ashamed about it either, hun. Your feelings are valid, it’s understandable to be crushed right now.” His hands gently took hers and flattened them out so that hers would no longer be in fists.

“I’m in love with him.” She choked out, turning to maneuver herself into his embrace. His strong arms wrapped around her back and she clutched tightly to his shirt. She felt the skin of his chest against her cheek as she nuzzled into him.

Sobs shook her body as his left hand rose to lovingly play with her hair. Y/N was glad that Harry was there for her in this time. She knew she couldn’t go to one of the boys because it wasn’t fair to put them in the middle of this.

“I know, I know.” He muttered, glancing inside the house to see that Calum was standing with Luke and Michael. The three boys were starting back at him, all of their faces held regret.

“I-I thought that maybe he loved me too. Every song we wrote, I thought of him. His little gifts and sudden spurs of adventure he whisked me away on, I thought that it was special between us..”

Harry’s heart felt like it got punched. The girl he was head over heels was currently heart broken over his friend. He wanted to tell Calum off for missing out on what he absolutely wished he could have. Calum had his dream girl wrapped around his finger and the dude didn’t even know it.

Harry himself was surprised that Calum wasn’t in love with her too. She was just.. the best. She was adaptive to their life style, good with the fame aspect of their life, she was nerdy in the best ways, so humble and grateful that it was intoxicating to be around her, and she was so genuine. Calum was a fool to not see what was right in front of him. Blind not to see that such a wonderful human being loved him with every fucking inch of her soul.

He saw Calum move towards the door and Harry felt an instinct to get Y/N the hell away from him. He didn’t want her to have to see him and he knew that he couldn’t even look Calum in the eyes without feeling anger even if it wasn’t exactly fair.

Calum hesitated when he saw the death glare that Harry was unknowingly giving him.

Calum knew that Harry was smitten with his best friend. It was apparent that Harry always went out of his way to call her or get drinks when he was home. Hell, Harry had sent her a gift when he went to Japan because he knew it was her favorite place when she went with the band. It was zero surprise that he would feel protective over a crying Y/N.

Calum just wanted to talk to her.

Luke and Michael walked over with somber eyes as they noticed that this situation would not be dealt with tonight.

“Calum, don’t go out there. She’s hurt, man. Give her some time.” Luke gently warned, grabbing his arm.

“I feel so bad. I know she’s hurt but I didn’t think she would be this hurt from me not telling her that I met Maya. I thought maybe she would be a bit happy for me..” he trailed off at Luke’s facial expression.

“She’s fucking in love with you, mate. Why are you the only one who doesn’t see that?” Luke raised his hands in an exasperated manner.

“What?! No? Y/N? She’s not in love with me. It’s not like that.” Calum defended, glancing over at his best friend in the world sobbing in Harry’s arms.

“Seriously Cal?” Michael deadpanned, “You can’t be that stupid.”

Calum rolled his eyes, “Wouldn’t I fucking know if my best friend was in love with me?”

Michael laughed sarcastically as Luke awkwardly shoved his hands in his pockets. Calum sighed at their behavior.

“Apparently not mate. You know how it’s obvious to us that Harry fancies Y/N? Well we could tell when it came to her with you.” Michael explained.

“Why didn’t you say anything? Why couldn’t I tell?” Calum asked.

Luke blew air out of his mouth as he tried to think of how to explain it, “Cal, it wasn’t for us to say. God, you and Y/N pick the worst times to be in love with each other.”

Calum’s tongue poked out to wet his lips. He was annoyed that Luke even brought that up. Growing up Calum was enamored by his beautiful Y/N and he knew that he was in love with her when he was about sixteen years old. She was so supportive and always there, and she made the rough times optimistic and fun.

Unluckily for him, at the time he realized they were on tour with one direction and she went off with Harry a lot. Calum felt like he couldn’t compete so he didn’t say anything. Plus he felt sick at the idea of scaring her off. Over time he got over it and moved on because he was sure she didn’t feel the same way.

Now years later she falls in love with him?

“Things would’ve been easier if I would’ve went for it as a teenager... huh?” Cal asked, dumbfounded.

“Probably. Do you... do you still feel the same way? Because you got Y/N out there crying and Maya over there trying to talk to people she doesn’t know.” Luke pointed over to Maya.

Calum couldn’t help but smile over at his girlfriend. He felt so warm and fuzzy around her. She was so fucking cool, and he was proud that she was here with him. But that feeling was dulled down when he looked out on the balcony. Seeing Y/N cry could ruin his happiness at any time.

But it wasn’t because he was in love with her. He used to be, but now he fiercely loved her in a family kind of way. He forced himself to move on from her and the damage was already done. He desperately wished that she would’ve felt the same back in the day because maybe things would’ve worked out. But now he has a girlfriend and she’s out on his balcony crying.

“I’m not in love with her, but I care about her more than probably anyone else.” Calum admitted, “It fucking hurts to see her so upset.”

The door opened up and Ashton walked in, his hand came up to his chest from being startled at how many people were in the apartment. He grinned as Calum walked over and gave him a hug.

“Happy birthday, mate.” He said.

Ashton giggled, “You fucker!” He pulled Calum into a tight hug of appreciation.

Y/N stopped crying when she saw Ashton walk inside. Ashton deserved this party and she wasn’t about to ruin it. He was the type of friend that would do anything for anyone. He was the sun coordinating the planets, making them more efficiently. At the same time he was the moon, luring over loved ones in dark times to offer any sort of help; emotional or physical.

Ashton deserved all the good in this world and she wasn’t about to fuck it up over crying over a man. She thought about all the tik toks joking about gagging after crying over men, and that made her feel a bit better.

Y/N would suck it up for now and go give Ashton a hug because he was worth it.

Harry pulled away slightly when he saw that Ashton arrived too. He glanced down at Y/N and she gave him a small nod and a smile.

Harry once read that your body naturally rejects a potential mate that isn’t a match. Effects are; nervousness, unease, and weariness. Apparently the theory goes that if someone is right for you, being around them gives off a sense of contentment and peace. You don’t have to get overly excited around them to the point that you feel sick. Rather you sense of feeling at home with them.

That’s how Harry felt with Y/N. His past girlfriends he loved-sure. He was heartbroken when things ended with Camille, but he didn’t have that sense of calmness with her. Not like he had around Y/N.

He was utterly fucking stuck on her. She was the one.

He managed to feel this way for years without it ever going away. That had to mean something. His mom once told him that shit happens for a reason. Calum not loving her back like that could shift her to Harry. And as fucked up as that idea was, and how down right cruel it was, he hoped it was true.

“I need to go see Ash..” she paused, glancing up into his green eyes. Right then Harry knew that she was about to ask him to go along with her.

“Let’s go, c’mon love. I’m right here with ya.” He soothingly assured, grabbing her hand.

Together the pair made their way inside to where the party was happening. Y/N noticed that Maya was standing beside Calum, his arm wrapped around her waist. She clutched tightly onto Harry’s hand as a sharp pain zapped her in the chest. His thumb rubbed against her skin in reassurance.

“Y/N’s coming.” Michael whispered to Calum. He immediately dropped his arm from around his waist and shot a look to Maya saying that he would explain at a different time.

He tried to offer a smile to his sad friend but she refused to meet his eyes. Instead she moved to stand by Ashton, causing the groups attention to go to her. No one failed to notice Harry’s hand was gripping Y/N’s.

Harry seemed like a protective guard dog that was on edge when a stranger walked past its owner.

“There you are! I was wondering where the hell you were! Also, I’m gonna kill you, Cal said you did most of the work for this.” Ash teased, making Y/N’s lips quirk into a genuine grin.

“You’re gonna kill me? No buddy, it’s the other way around! You told Harry that I helped write your albums.” She accusingly joked, jabbing the black haired man in front of her on his chest.!

Ashton burst into laughter, “Harry, mate, that was a secret. Cant trust no one..”

Harry smiled in his charming boyish way, his red nails on show as he lifted his hands to shrug as if it was no big deal, “Maybe I wanted a share of her writing talent.”

Michael looked at Luke with wide eyes. Holy shit, Harry just pulled out a wild card. Could the British man not even hide how enamored he was with their friend? Michael admired his confidence to ask Y/N to write with him. Writing was something you had to have complete trust in with a person, and the proccess undoubtedly bonded souls.

Y/N blushed after Harry’s claim that her writing held any sort of talent. She usually went with the flow and the words poured out.

“You gonna do it? Help him write a song?” Luke asked

“She said yes. Unless she was fuckin’ with meh.” Harry said, side eyeing the woman next to him. He saw her laugh and he internally gave himself bonus points for being able to do that while she was so down in the dumps.

“Dinners involved with the deal so I jumped on it.” Her attention turned to Harry, “As long as it’s not Chick-tik-A. Their food sucks and they’re a company against homosexuals.... that’s a no from me dawg.”

Harry smiled, knowing that Y/N was feeling better.

“That’s great, bub. I’m super proud of you. I know the song will be a fucking hit.” Calum said, shifting his head to look at her.

For the first time she raised her eyes and sadly smiled at him, “Thanks Cal...”

****************

Months later and Y/N was truly doing better. Her heart still hurt a bit from Calum but she was gradually getting over it. Seeing him wasn’t to the same point of familiarity as it used to be, but the two friends were working it out as best as they could.

And truth be told, Y/N liked Maya. Maya was honestly a good match for Calum, as annoying as it was.

And Y/N didn’t have time to be upset because Harry had her too busy with constant adventures and late nights. She appreciated it. She appreciated him.

Tonight he took her to the poetry cafe that they liked. It’s small little place at the end of L.A. He said he found it one day when he was walking alone, pretty sad and feeling alone. Stumbled across the joint and found a deep connection to it. He explained how much it meant to him and it soon became important to her too.

The dim glowing lights brought upon a comforting blanket of support and trust to whomever dared to enter such a vulnerable place. Those who stood on the pedestal of expression compiled their feelings into a glorious ballad.

Harry and Y/N sat at the small table in the back, matching style ball caps sat upon their heads. His a pretty purple and hers a yellow. He told her that it would be better if they kept their identies more hidden.

Their chairs were moved to sit closer next to each other so that their hands could intertwine. They held hands a lot because it was comforting and felt so so so right. His thumb rubbed against her hand as another young woman stood up to go.

I was alone

Felt like no one cared

Ate dinner for one and cried tears enough for two

But something changed in my life

Because there was you

Y/N stopped listening as the woman’s words soaked past her skin, muscles, bones, and swirled to embed into her soul. These words were ones that she personally related with. Sure she had friends but she was so lonely when it came to romance. Until recently.

She wasn’t certain what was going on with her and Harry, but she felt herself caring more and more until the point that he became her number one. She talked to him the most, saw him the most, and for fucks sake she thought about him the most.

He seemed to always be on her mind. If she found a cute sweater she would think about how Harry would wear it with his pearl necklace. Saw a dog? Awh, he would love to pet it. Tasted red wine? She’d think about the time that he spilled it on his counter and acted surprised when she licked it off, claiming that it couldn’t go to waste. If she looked at anyone attractive, she couldn’t help compare them to Harry.

It was exciting. Moving on from Calum and to Harry was new and it brought upon a lot of foreign feelings. As great as all that was, there was a worrisome idea lodged in her head. Could Harry just be acting as a good friend like Calum had? She wasn’t sure and she was too much of a wuss to figure it out.

Harry detached his hand to start clapping along with the crowd as the woman said her thank you and walked off the stage. Y/N blinked back to reality as Harry turned to her.

“That was beautiful, really raw and genuine.” He spoke, offering a smile that showed his perfectly arranged white teeth.

“Yeah, it- it really was.” She was doing a horrible job at convincing him that she actually paid attention to it.

“Love, I’m not incompetent , I know you weren’t listening- you’re too caught up in ya head. What’s going in there?” His fingers slotted within hers, his blue nails the same shade as hers. She painted both sets last night when she went over for dinner.

How could a woman look at a man and explain that she was falling in love with him, but she was scared because last time she was in love she got hurt- she thinks she loves him but she doesn’t want him to think he was a rebound.

She felt humiliated, her eyes avoiding his. The open sign on the window was suddenly the most amazing thing to look at.

“Y/N, dear? Talk to me.” His lips were so close to her ear that she could feel his breath when he spoke.

“My heart is in your hands and that’s fucking terrifying to me because, well, we saw how that went last time.” She muttered, still not looking at him but rather the other people there with their significant others.

Harry was suddenly standing up and pulling her out of the small cafe during a poetic interpretation about being bound to your family.

Her heart dropped to her stomach as the wind bit at her soft skin. She fucked up. She really stupendously fucked this good thing that was going on between them. She must’ve misinterpreted his good nature for feelings and was a stupid bitch that fell for it.

He pulled out the outside patio chair and sat her down. She gave him a quizzical look as he moved her legs apart so that he could sit in between them on the concrete.

Reseda green windows to the soul gazed into her, tears pooling around them. His cheeks were puffy and red. He was visibly upset.

“I’m so sorry, Harry. I didn’t mean to make you cry like this, I shouldn’t have said anything to you-“ she rambled in desperate need to fix this situation before she lost him completely.

“Shhh. Not the least bit upset, ‘m crying because you’re my soulmate.”

Her eyes widened in shock, a forceful cough ripping out of her throat at his confession. He soothed her, handing her his water to take a sip. She waved his hand away to signal that she was fine.

“Mum told me that Buddhists say if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that's not the one. When you meet your soul mate, you'll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation. First time we shared a conversation i only felt peace and contentment. When I’m not with you, my mindset is off. I don’t like being away from you for long. I worry if you’re okay or I wonder if you are reading a book that’s making you sad. You get so into your books, love. The empathy doesn’t stop when it comes to characters.”

She slightly laughed as she recalled the time he waltzed in on her crying because your character in your book was alone on their birthday. He immediately was making her a cup of tea and bugging her about if something happened with work.

“I’ve been waiting for you for years. Honestly was hopelessly pinning after you. Like everyone knew but you. So when you admit you feel the same way...I got emotional.” He softly said, playing with the rings on his hand.

Her hands itched to be the ones twisting his fingers around. So she did. His hands melted into the skin of hers as he grabbed them. Her thumb twirled his left middle finger’s black band. He blushed at the feeling. She did tend to do this when they were submerged in a deep conversation.

“You’re an emotional man, Har. Endearingly so. I admire it more than you’d think.” She retorted.

Harry sat up so that he was sitting more on his knees so that he was closer. His face closer to hers. She could smell his cologne infiltrate her senses. She wished she could bathe in his sun-like presence forever.

“I happen to admire that you admire me.” He teased, blinking as more tears fell down his godlike sculpted face.

“You’re still crying, you’re gonna make me emotional.” She laughed as tears were starting to build up in her own ducts. This was really intimate and she was getting mushy.

“Can’t help it. Jus’ soft cuz of you.”

Her hands shifted to grab the collar of his coat, pulling it until his lips were melting into hers He hummed is satisfaction, his hands shifting to cup Y/N’s face to bring her closer. It was a desperate kiss, the kind where emotion tries to convey the feelings not able to form into words.

His lips molded to her, trying to memorize the taste for the rest of his days. His nose was shoved against her cheek as he slipped his tongue in, sliding it against hers greedily, finally doing this after dreaming of it for years. She pulled away for air, his lips chasing hers in a drunken daze.

“Let me breathe for a sec.” she gently pushed him away with her palm pressed against his face. He laughed, leaning back.

“Used to think singing on stage was the best feeling, but that was before I got to kiss those sweet lips. Just one more peck?” He made kissy faces in her direction.

“Thank you.”

His face scrunched up in confusion, “what?”

“Thank you for.. being there. Taking care of me like you do. Making me laugh by being dumb. Especially for buying pizza rolls in bulk. I know you don’t like them as much as you let on. But I do and you do it for me. Means a lot.”

“Anything for you, m’love,” He stood up and led out a hand, “Me and you. Please let that be the rest of my life.”

Y/N decided in that moment that Calum Hood getting a girlfriend was the best thing to ever happen to her.

Part 2?

[harryspet]

everything he wanted | peter parker

[WARNINGS] aged up peter x named oc (but limited physical description), noncon/dubcon sex, oral sex (public?),unprotected stuff, jealous peter, cheating

This is my first ever challenge and it’s for @darkficsyouneveraskedfor​ ‘s What’s Old is New Again Challenge! I chose the prompt  “I fell off my pink cloud with a thud.” - Elizabeth Taylor. Roo has AMAZING dark fics so, if you aren’t already, please give her a follow and check out her works!

In which Mia’s wedding is tomorrow and Peter has the damning information to stop it from happening.

Please like, reblog and let me know what you think!

Word Count: 3.4k

Mia was like family to Peter. He remembered the weekday afternoons when they’d get off the bus together and she’d watch him until his mother came home. They’d put puzzles together and make stupid videos of them lip-syncing to pop songs. She was a few years older than him, beautiful and charismatic so it was only natural that Peter developed a small crush on her. Well, small would be an understatement. But Mia had always belonged to someone else.

First, it was her parents that controlled her, forcing her to practice her dancing day and night while maintaining a 4.0 in school. She resented them for that but she’d never do anything but say kind words to their face. Peter was the only one who knew how she despised her dance competitions. Once she got to high school, Peter saw less of her as he was forced to face the challenges of middle school by himself. Then she met Sawyer and suddenly she didn’t need Peter to console her. He was only a boy. How could he understand the complex workings of a teenage girl?

Peter didn’t hate Sawyer but it was difficult to be cordial when he knew Mia was making a mistake. Becoming Spiderman gave him a distraction though and he craved that. It was the only thing that kept him from thinking about how Mia didn’t need him anymore. He was sure that he didn’t even cross her mind as she went off to college.

It took Mia a few more years to realize that Peter was a man. He was a freshman in college and she was starting her Master’s degree. She wanted to be an author and how perfect was it that Sawyer had just begun his big job at a publishing company. Even their careers were compatible except Mia wasn't writing. Couldn’t write. Couldn’t decide on what would make her unique and it seemed her career was over before it even began.

She solved her problem by getting wasted at Happy and May’s fourth of July barbecue, “Peter, could you take her upstairs to the guest room?” May asked him and he tried not to seem too eager as he nodded, “She needs to sleep this one off.”

He lifted the girl from her place on the couch with ease and she immediately began to wrap her arms around him. He could smell the alcohol coming off of her but he did not let it distract him from savoring her warmth. “Wait, I-I . . . I left my drink downstairs,” she mumbled close to his ear. Her breath tickled his ear and a shiver ran down his spine.

“No,” he spoke quietly, shushing her, “You’re done for the night, Mia.”

She whined.

He carried her into the guest room to tuck her into the bed. He should’ve left it at that. Should’ve. But he lingered. He had to. He was showing so much self-restraint just by not tearing off her clothes and ravishing her.

“I wish you were ... twenty-one. We’d have fun together…,” She smiled but her eyes were closed as she started to nuzzle into the sheets.

“I’m sure we would,” He should already be gone but he leaned over her body and began to caress her hair. He could’ve sworn he heard her purr as his fingers ran through her scalp. Down her shoulder and then down her arm. He had to stop himself before his hand got lower.

His lips pushed into a thin line of frustration as he looked over once more. He pulled at the comforter, covering her body, before slipping out the room. As he closed the door behind him, his hands curled into a fist.

+

No one else could but with his heightened senses, he heard the thudding from downstairs. He got out of bed, pulling a pair of sweatpants over his boxers, and slipped out of his room.

He found her in the kitchen, clad in a robe, and rummaging through the fridge. She hadn’t even noticed he was there until she shut the fridge door. Her eyes went wide and she almost dropped the three cartons of ice cream she was carrying.

“Some things never change,” Peter said, smiling at her. As he approached, she pushed his shoulder playfully. He was shirtless and her eyes seemed to wander but not for long.

“Shut up, four in the morning is the best time to eat ice cream,” He shook his head, walking around the kitchen island to grab two spoons for them.

He handed her the spoon from the other side of the island as she slid over the carton of cookies and cream ice cream. She remembered his favorite, “Are you feeling better? I thought you’d sleep until next week at least.”

Whatever grin that was on her face fell and she stabbed at her strawberry ice cream with her spoon, “I feel great, Peter,” and then she lifted her face to show him a fake smile. She was beautiful, he thought, even when she wasn’t being genuine.

“Really? Because I recall you best wasted before the sun even went down. I’ve never seen you drink so much … you used to say you’d never be someone who acts like that.”

“Well, I changed my mind. That was before I knew of the healing properties alcohol contains,” She stuffed her mouth with icecream and Peter assumed that the ice cream also contained her healing.

“You can tell me. You used to tell me everything, Mia,” He cocked his head to the side, trying to read her face. She sighed, leaning on the counter as she covered her face in her hands, “Is this what a quarter-life crisis looks like?”

He expected her to laugh, poke fun back at him but it took him only a second to realize that she was crying. He mentally cursed as he hurried around to her. “Mia, please don’t-” He placed a calm hand on her arm before she suddenly crashed into him, and he enveloped her in his arms.

“I’m a failure, Peter. I’m never going to be a good writer. I’m never going to be successful. School is a waste of time. I’m pretty much wasting everyone’s time. My parents especially. Sawyer. He wants to marry me but I’m nothing. And soon he’s gonna realize that and I’ll be alone. My parents won’t want me. And now Aunt May is gonna think I'm drunk. She’s never gonna see me like that girl I used to be. They look at Sawyer and they’re proud. They look at you and they’re proud. You saved the entire world for god sake. Why am I even here on this planet?” He wasn’t sure if she breathed through during her whole spiel. Her arms wrapped around his midsection and his hands caressed her back.

She cried harder into his shoulder.

“You’re not a failure, Mia. This is just a blip in your grand plan for your life. You’ll get through it and you will be a great writer. Even if it sucks, I’ll buy enough copies myself to keep you from going broke,” She laughed for a moment before going back to choking on her sobs, “I know your parents and I know Aunt May, they love you. Even . . . e-even Sawyer. That girl you used to be existed only to please others. Now it’s time to focus on you and what you want, no matter what they think. They’d never leave you. And even if you didn’t have them, you’d have me. No matter what.”

He gently pulled her from him, holding her face so she was staring into his eyes, “No matter what, do you understand?” She nodded, tears rolling down her cheeks.

That was the first time she saw Peter like that. Like a man. Emotionally intelligent. Strong and inviting.

She couldn’t stop herself as she leaned into him and kissed him gently. She pulled away, her eyes wet and wide as she realized the mistake she made. “Peter-” He didn’t let her dwell on it long because he was pulling her in and smashing his lips onto hers.

They melted together. She needed to feel better, feel love and feel like she was needed. He needed her and she was everything he ever wanted. His hand found her waist and pulled her lower body even further against him.

He lifted her quickly and set her on the kitchen island, spreading her legs and setting himself between them. “You’re so beautiful,” He breathed into her ear, leaving a kiss there, then on her jaw and then down her neck. She only moaned in response.

Her robe was already slightly open, revealing her bra. Peter’s hand fumbled with the string and it fell with ease.

“P-Peter, I don’t think we should,” He understood that she needed to pretend that she didn’t want this. Peter only smirked, placing a kiss on the skin of her breast before his fingers found the fabric of her panties. She grabbed his shoulder and he finally looked at her. Really looked at her, “Peter, this changes everything.”

She was just scared, he thought, of what they could be. “I know,” He stated concisely, “But this is what I’ve always wanted, Mia. You’re what I’ve always wanted. I love you.”

Mia knew it was wrong but she said those words back, knowing his “I love you” meant something completely different than hers.

Peter urged her to rest back as he lifted her legs onto the counter and slowly slid off her panties. At that point, she was free for him to devour, and his head slipped between her thighs. Right there on the kitchen counter.

She came once. Then again. And another for good luck, Peter thought.

They were interrupted, though, by a tired voice calling from upstairs, “Peter! Mia! Are you guys eating ice cream in my kitchen this early in the morning? You two aren’t kids anymore, you know?”

No, they certainly weren’t.

+

“You look great,” Sawyer complimented, giving his fiance a little spin as she twirled in her soft pink dress. It was strapless, accentuating her breast, and flowed down to above her knee. It was something her future mother in law had picked out and that she absolutely adored, “You should wear it to the movie premiere.”

Right, the movie premier. A year ago, she was completely at rock bottom but things were so different now. She had made an amazing friend, ten months ago, an extremely accomplished writer who’s already had three of her novels adapted. The woman had been reading her work and critiquing it but she insisted that Mia had talent. Raw talent not many people could harness.

She could get a book deal one day and, with a blurb from such a famous woman, who knew how successful she could be.

Mia looked again in her mirror and she loved what she saw. Sawyer, the rock on her finger, her new mentor, and this dress. She pecked his cheek and he continued to button up his dress shirt. Brunch was happening soon and tonight was her bachelorette party. Tomorrow she’d be a married woman and she finally was proud to be someone Sawyer could love.

She was running a brush through her hair when Sawyer suddenly got a call. He smiled at her as if to say he was annoyed to be getting a call from work the day before his wedding, and she returned it.

Sawyer was doing very well at his job too. His father described him as “practically running the place only after two years”. And he was always sweet to her. Someone who paid attention to the small things. Completely devoted.

Everyone they met had always said, even though they were both young, they could tell Mia and Sawyer were meant to be together.

After deciding her hair was as perfect as it was going to get, she left the bathroom. Their hotel room was gigantic, a presidential suite that they’d come to consummate their wedding. After that, they were jet setting across the world for three weeks. She was the most excited for the three nights in Paris.

As she stepped into the master bedroom, her heart stopped as Peter entered the room. He shut the double doors that connected to the living room, clad in his spider suit except for his mask. His eyes finally met hers and he looked her over as if he was an addict and she was his fix, “You look gorgeous,” He said, solemn because he knew that dress wasn’t for his eyes.

There was no way he walked through the front door. He must have come in from the balcony.

“Where’s Sawyer?”

Peter’s eyes darkened at the mention of that name, “Busy,” He stepped further into the room, admiring all the beautiful details. He threw his masks onto the bed and sighed.

“Peter, please-”

“I didn’t kill him, okay. And he won’t remember a thing,” Peter wished he could kill him. Sawyer was the reason that he couldn’t have Mia. Her eyes were wide with fear, “Oh, don’t look at me like that.”

There were dark circles around his eyes and his bottom lip was bleeding, “Why are you here?”

“For you, Mia,” Peter spoke as if his intentions were obvious, “I don’t want you to marry him. I want you to choose me.”

“The wedding is tomo-”

“I know,” Peter slouched onto the bed, his palm on his forehead, “I was going to let it happen. I was this close to letting you ruin the rest of your life.”

“Peter, what happened with us was a mistake,” And she twisted the knife further into his already bleeding heart, “I thought my feelings were obvious when I ended things last year. I love you, Peter, I do. But you’re like a brother to me.”

He moved his hand, turning his head toward her, “What is it you want me to do? What would make you say no to him?”

“Nothing,” She spoke through gritted teeth, “Now, leave. You can’t just show up here like this the day before my wedding!”

Peter sat up on the bed, his fiery gaze burning holes into her, “I don’t want to threaten you, Mia.”

“Then don’t,” Mia’s lips trembled as her eyes narrowed on the door. Her phone was on the nightstand on the other side of the bed. If she yelled for help, maybe some housekeeper would hear.

Peter noticed. Of course, he did, “Mia, don’t-” She had already decided to make a run for the door but as soon as she got close, his webs had covered both the door handles.

She looked towards the balcony doors and, he was too quick, those doors were snapped shut too. As if he were reading her mind, a web shot out to grab her phone, before slammed into pieces on the door behind her. “You’re insane!” She screamed as she began pounding on the shut door.

He was standing now but still close to the bed, “Don’t you think Sawyer deserves to hear about last summer? I mean, yeah, we ate ice cream but I also tasted a lot other sweet things that night,” She felt her heart stop, “May will kill me but she deserves to hear about it too. It was her kitchen counter, after all.”

Mia froze, and tears stung her eyes, “You can’t, Peter,” She faced him, “You can’t.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” He was with her, wiping her tears a second later, “I won’t. I won’t. But we do things on my terms.”

She stared at him, a sad and incredulous look on her face, “I can’t cancel my wedding, Peter. I can’t do that to Sawyer.”

His eyes went black like a flip had been switched, “Then give me everything else.”

He grabbed her, lifting her before bringing her to the bed. She landed with a bounce, attempting to crawl away before he grabbed her ankle and pulled her back, “I’m sure you don’t want to be tied down with webs, Mia, so I wouldn’t fight this if I were you.”

With her legs hanging off the bed, he reached for her dress. “P-Peter, please be gentle,” She begged, struggling against him.

“You had your chance for that,” He pulled down the top of the dress, revealing her breast, before resorting to ripping it down the middle in order to get it off. Her bra and underwear were small obstacles as well.

This wasn’t him. He was a sweet, caring boy but she had made him a monster.

He threw the material to the side before raising his right arm. A holographic keyboard floated around his forearm and with a few taps, his suit began disappearing scale by scale. “Get on your knees,” He commanded and she stared, dumbfounded. Staring over his naked torso, she realized he was even more muscular than the year before. Before she could open her mouth to protest he said, “Now, your fiance is right out that door. Don’t make me wait.”

She hesitated again and his bare hand snapped around her neck, dragging her forward until she was forced to her knees. Until she could feel the full force of his powers and realize she was helpless against him. Against his love for her. She couldn’t stop him, she knew that “This. Isn’t. You,” She gasped for air.

“Do I look like an illusion, angel?” She didn’t answer and he slowly let go of her throat, “Touch me, start with your hands.”

She scowled up at him and he shot her a warning look. One that said, I have the information that could ruin your life. Burst the bubble around the perfect little life you created.

So she did. She held his length in his hand, stroking up and down slowly. It didn’t take long for it to grow harder in her grasp. Tears still in her eyes, she pushed on. She wasn’t guilty last year but she was now.

Peter groaned, ordering her to look at him every time her face fell. He loved the feeling of her hands around him and the sight of her on her knees, “Very good, angel,” He praised, a sinister smile on his face, “Now, open your mouth.”

For a moment, a brief one, she thought he would be gentle with her since she was complying. She was wrong because as soon she opened her mouth, he shoved his length inside. She choked, saliva beginning to run down her chin but this only seemed to encourage him.

Her hands pressed against his rock hard thighs as she tried to gain some control. He only pushed away from her hands and held her head tighter. He bunched up the locks of her hair and pushed her head forward. In and out and then over and over again. Her eyes stung even more now

She swore a growl rumbled through his body as he thrust into her mouth. The desire he had for her was carnal and, at his mercy, she wasn’t sure how she’d turn out after he was done ravishing her.

“Good girl,” Peter grunted, “That’s it,” He pulled away from her mouth, a trail of saliva dripping from her mouth down to her thighs. Peter relished in the idea of waking up to a sore throat tomorrow and having to think of him as she said: “I do”.

Besides that, the greatest satisfaction would come from finishing inside her.

Mia understood she was coming next but, as Peter forced her to stand and pushed her onto the bed, she expected some sort of warm-up. Instead, he simply spread her legs, crawled on top of her and pushed inside of her.

He gripped her thigh with one hand and the other rested beside her head. With him pressed against her, she had no room to escape the full force of him. She came quickly, faster than she expected, but the pressure inside her seemed relentless. He seemed to find the right spot every time.

She cried out before she could bite down on her lip to silence herself. It only made him thrust harder, deeper and faster. He kissed her, deeply, and took in the moans that were being forced out of her, “You’re mine,” He grunted, “Say you’re mine. Tell me you love me.”

Another orgasm was already approaching for her and, despite all that had happened, she wanted it, “I-I’m yours,” She breathed, knowing that was what he wanted all along, “I love you.”

She’d never belong to her husband. Not when Peter would be there to claim what was his at any moment he could. 

That was all he ever needed and, with those words, he buried his face into her neck and finished deep inside her.

Peter swore she’d be the only girl he ever loved.

+

Hopefully you enjoyed this! Thanks for reading and if you’d like to read more then check out my Perer series called “Little Doe” ! My requests are OPEN

Also, if you’d like to be added to a Peter related taglist then leave a comment or send me an ask!

[flyfireflyfly]

A Possibility

Length warning: 3400 words

Quality warning: I haven't done any writing in so long and it just feels weird doing this. Like something has to be wrong with the story, especially since I honestly have no idea how this managed to happen at 4am.

"I'm just saying that if the guy really was a big shot athlete in college who broke national records, then you would find at least one thing about him on the internet." You set the box of dishes you had been carrying on to the kitchen counter. Tamar rolled her eyes as she began filling one cupboard with cups. "I don't think the girl who has been pining over the same guy her whole life should be giving out relationship advice." You froze for just a second and then turned towards your friend to glare at her. She glanced at you before sighing. "Okay, sorry. That was a low blow." Smacking the counter angrily, she added, "Damn it I really like him." Turning away from you, you worked on putting away the plates. "Just confront him about it then. If he admits he lied to impress you, you can work with that and warn him not to do it again. If he sticks with his story, then you know he cares more about his image than about having an honest relationship." "Hmm..." she hummed, mulling over what you said. "Yeah I suppose that works." She grabbed her empty box and tossed it towards the other boxes waiting to be taken to the recycle. "Ready to get out of here and go shopping? I need to load up on snacks and booze if I'm gonna have a housewarming party." You tossed your own empty box away. "Only if you buy me lunch first. I'm starving." Tamar laughed at that and nodded. "Deal. As a 'thank you' for helping me move in."

As soon as you walked in to the restaurant, you waved at the server and headed over to the back booth. The place you and your friends always sat at when you came in. "Hey, the usual?" asked the server. "Yep." you answered and slid in to the booth. "Except change my fries to tater tots." Tamar piped up. The server raised his hand in acknowledgment as he wrote down the order. Then he passed it to the cook in the kitchen. Drumming your fingers on the table, you eagerly waited for your food and turned your attention to the window. It was a nice, sunny day that went well with your happy mood. Today was a good day your decided. Suddenly your eyes were covered and all you saw was darkness. A breath tickled your ear briefly and someone asked, "Guess who." A shiver went down your spine, but you ignored it. Instead you chuckled and rolled your eyes. As if you could ever mistake that voice. "Hi Yongguk." The man laughed and removed his hands from your eyes. "How'd you know?" he questioned as he slipped in to the booth to sit beside you. "Please. I've had to listen to that annoying voice for years." you told him. He barked out a laugh and shook his head. Then he turned to Tamar. "You settled in?" "Yes, finally!" She let out an exaggerated groan. "You gonna make it tonight, right?" "Of course." At that moment, the server brought over your meals. The food smelled absolutely heavenly and you quickly popped a french fry in to your mouth. A small moan escaped you, causing the guy next to you to chuckle. Then his had shot out towards your plate. You went to smack his hand but you were too late. He made off with a fry and hurriedly ate it. You glared at him and scooted a couple of inches away from him, taking your plate with you. Only for him to follow you while attempting to steal more of your food. "Mine!" you exclaimed with a small giggle. You kept smacking his hand while moving away until your side was pressed up against the wall. "Come on, share." He gave you a mischievous smile. Then he was right there beside you, his body touching yours as he trapped you in the corner. "Get your own." "But sharing is caring." "Who says I care?" That earned you another laugh from him and he slid away from you, giving you some space. Tamar shook her head. "You two are unbelievable." The sever appeared again with a to-go bag. "Here you go." he said and put the meal down in front of Yongguk before walking away. Yongguk stood and grabbed the bag. "Well, see ya guys tonight." Then he left and you resisted the urge to watch him walk out of the restaurant. "Girl." Tamar while giving you a pitiful look. "Don't." you hurriedly demanded, not wanting her nagging to sour your mood. "We're friends. That's it." Another sigh. "Fine." Turning your attention to your meal, you felt your mood shifting anyways as your mind filled up with Tamar's opinion about you and Yongguk. About how good the two of you would be together as a couple. A tiny part of you agreed, but you couldn't let yourself let that part be more than a passing thought. Yes, you had a crush on your best friend. Some would even say it was a 'major' crush, and you've been suppressing those feelings for years after flirting with him did nothing. It was obvious he didn't feel that way about you so you gave up. At first it wasn't easy and it hurt like hell to be around him. Time helped ease that pain though so now there was only a dull ache in your chest when you allowed those feelings to briefly surface. Shaking your head and pushing him out of your mind, you changed the topic to Tamar's party. The two of you made a plan on how many people were coming and everything that you needed to buy.

Well, at least you tried to plan for the party. More people than you were expecting showed up and you were dangerously close to running out of drinks. The snacks were gone an hour ago. Tamar didn't seem worried about it though as she danced to the music with some friends in the living room. You sat on the couch and watched her with a grin on your face, until she beckoned you to join them. "Uh, no." you said as she stretched both arms out towards you. "No, no, no, no." Your denial fell on deaf ears as she grabbed you and pulled you off the couch while laughing. She urged you to dance and you half-heartedly followed along, causing her to laugh more. Then there was loud knocking on the door and you quickly proclaimed, "Got it!" You escaped the make-shift dance floor and went to the front door. When you opened it, you smiled in relief to see Yongguk holding a large box that was overflowing with bags of chips. "I brought supplies." he said as he walked in. "Yes!" You turned towards the crowd. "More snacks on the way!" Several people cheered as you led Yongguk into the kitchen. He put the box on the counter and began emptying it. "I figured you didn't bother with some 'just-in-case' extras." You rolled eyes. "Yeah, yeah." You grabbed the empty bowls and began filling them with chips. Once they were full, the two of you carried the bowls out in to the living room and set them on the table that was pushed up against the wall. "Dancing time!" You turned to see Tamar beckoning for you to join her again as she slowly danced toward you. You turned towards Yongguk and desperately pleaded, "Save me." "Nope." Then he pushed you. You stumbled slightly as Tamar grabbed you. Giving in, you let her lead to back to the group of people dancing while glaring daggers at Yongguk. He merely smirked at you though. With a sigh, you decided to go with the flow and started dancing. It wasn't long until you were genuinely enjoying yourself. You weren't sure how many songs had played by the time you collapsed on to a chair. "Wimp!" You stuck your tongue out at Tamar before laughing. How in the world she was still dancing was beyond you. Your legs and your feet had had enough. Though a drink sounded wonderful and groaned like an old woman as you got back on your feet. You headed towards the kitchen and came to a sudden halt in the doorway. Yongguk was leaning against the counter and he wasn't alone. A girl stood next to him and by the way the two of them were smiling, you pretty sure they were flirting. Suddenly a phone went off, snapping you back to reality. You walked over to the fridge as Yongguk pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Hold that thought." he told the girl and answered the phone. He left the kitchen and you guessed he was going to the bedroom so he could talk privately. Looking at the drink selection, you momentarily eyed the liquor before settling on a soda. Then you closed the door and you jumped. The girl had moved to stand by you. "Sorry." she offered. "You're friends with Yongguk, right?" "Uh, yeah." you replied. She lifted her right hand to show the phone she was holding. "My ride's here. You think maybe you could give this to him?" With her left hand, she offered you a napkin. Scribbled on it was the name Jessica and a phone number. "Oh. Yeah. Sure." You took it and stuffed the napkin in to your pocket. "Thanks!" She beamed happily at you while blushing a little. Then she turned and left. With a heavy sigh, you closed your eyes to center yourself. This wasn't a big deal. Yongguk has had girlfriends before. Heck, you've even dated a couple of guys. The only reason it feels weird now is cause of Tamar constantly insisting that you and Yongguk should date. She was like a dog with a bone in her mouth. If only she'd just drop it. Ignoring the dull ache in your chest, you went back out to the party.

As the night went on, the party slowly died down until it was just you, Tamar, and Yongguk left. And you weren't sure how much longer they would last. They both sat on the floor, leaning against the couch, and it was obvious they might have had one two many beers. "Best night ever." Tamar stated with a lopsided grin. "Um, have you seen your apartment?" you asked and indicated the mess as you plopped down in front of them. She giggled and shook her head like a little kid. "I don't even care right now." Yongguk giggled as well and rolled an empty liquor bottle across the floor. All of a sudden Tamar sat up and fixed her gaze on you. "So, anyone catch your eye?" You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. "What?" She rolled her eyes. "Oh please. You had to have realized how many more guys there were here than girls." She smiled and lean towards you. "Did any of the single guys I invited catch your eye at all?" "Uhh..." Yongguk suddenly sat up as well. "Wait, was this a hook up party for her?" "And a housewarming. Two birds, one stone." she told him before turning back to you. "Well?" "Well?" Yongguk parroted, amusement in his eyes as he grinned at you. Feeling yourself blush a little, you shook your head. "I wasn't exactly looking for a date." Tamar sighed. "Damn girl. What am I going to do with you?" "Well if you would have said something beforehand." you told her. Then you noticed how she kept glancing between you and Yongguk. Dread welled up in your stomach as your heart started to race. "You know what..." She trailed off as if she was thinking about something that just came to her. "I think you two would look good together." A shock went through you as if someone had dumped a cold bucket of water on you. You gaped at her, not believing what she said. "Oh hell no!" exclaimed Yongguk. "That would be horrible." He gagged, as if the idea repulsed him, and then laughed. It was only when his laughter faded that you realized you hadn't reacted at all. You hurriedly smiled and forced out a laugh. "Uh, yeah. Horrible." The smile on his face started to slip though as he looked between you and Tamar. Several emotions flashed in his eyes. Amusement, confusion, disbelief, and then horror as he gaped at you. You looked away from him. "That reminds me." You dug the napkin out of your pocket and set it on the floor by him. "Jessica wanted me to give you this. You should call her." Standing up, you surveyed the living room. "I'm gonna start cleaning up." Then you went to the kitchen, pretending that you didn't hear Tamar call out your name. Going straight to the sink, you found the box of trash bags under it and grabbed a couple. You began to fill one with the empty bottles and chip bags. "Hey." You kept focused on your task. "What?" "He left." Tamar informed you. Sighing, you dropped the bag and ran your hands through your hair. "Fuck." "Sorry. I didn't..." You whipped around to face her. "Didn't what? I told you over and over again to drop it. Now look at what you did." "I just thought..." "No. Just stop." you told her. "He's been my friend for years and you fucked that up. Things will never be the same between us." Tamar stepped forward. "You don't know that." You scoffed. "Yeah, sure. Just look at the way he reacted." You mimicked his gag before giving her a dirty look. Then turned away from her and started cleaning up again. "Look, I.." "Drop it." you demanded, interrupting her. She didn't say another word as she grabbed the broom and went back in to the living room. You were very thankful that she listened to you this time. If she would have kept at it, you probably would have started yelling at her.

About twenty minutes later, you set the two trash bags down and looked around. "That everything?" "I think so." answered Tamar as she indicated for you to help her with the coffee table. You grabbed one end and together the two of you carried it to its rightful place. Stepping back, you looked around once more but didn't see anything out of place. "Let's get the trash out and call it a night." Tamar took one of the bags, leaving the other for you. "You can crash here if you want." Those magic words made your sore muscles throb. Between helping her finish moving in, all the dancing, and now the cleaning, it had been a long day. Well... that and the Yongguk disaster but that would have to wait another day. "Yeah thanks." you replied. You followed her to the front door and opened it to find a person standing there. Startled, she jumped back in to you though you barely noticed. Your heart leaped in to your throat as you stared at Yongguk. The man had his fist up, as if he was just about to knock. "Oh, sorry." He glanced at you but quickly looked away as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Um..." The three of you stood there in awkward silence for a moment before Tamar spoke up. "I'll just take these," she took the trash bag from you, "And you two can talk." She squeezed passed Yongguk while simultaneously pushing him into the apartment. Then she closed the door. If it was awkward before, now you didn't know what to call it. He could barely look you in the eye as he shifted uncomfortably. Sighing, you said, "Look, just forget about tonight, okay? It's not a big deal. And I meant what I said, you really should call Jessica. She seemed nice." That finally made him look at you with a surprise look on his face. "Huh? Oh.. yeah. Um... But..." He furrowed his eyebrows and licked his lips. Then he took in a deep breath and closed the distance between the two of you. Before you had a chance to do anything, he cupped your face with his hands and pressed his lips against yours. You were so shocked, all you could do was stand there. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. What the fuck was happening?? He pulled back and looked at you. "Okay this is weird, isn't it?" That jolted you from your mental panic and you swiftly stepped back from him. "What? I mean, yes. Yeah. It's weird. Why would you....?" You glared at him, anger rising in your chest. "I told you to forget about it. I don't need your pity." His eyes widened. "No, no, no. That's not.." "I said it's not a big deal and I meant it. You shouldn't.." He grabbed your arms, preventing you from moving further away. "That's not what I meant!" The words you were going to say died on your tongue as you gaped at him. "I just... I..." He let go of you to run his hands through his hair as he turned away from you. "Fuck." He took a couple of deep breaths before turning back to you. "It's weird cause I never thought that this could happen." "This?" "Yeah, this." He indicated the two of you. "Us. I never thought... And now I know that yeah, it's a possibility and I don't know what to do or how handle it or..." Your heartbeat sped up. A possibility. This was possible. "Let's try this again." He stepped closer and cupped your face once more. Then he kissed you a second time. When he pulled back, the two of you shared a look. A silent agreement passed between you and you gently put your hands on his arms. "Third time's the charm." he stated before kissing you once more. Something inside you bloomed, causing a rush of happiness to well up in you. This time when he pulled away, you couldn't help but smile. "There it is." he proclaimed, smiling as well. A small giggle escaped you. "Okay, yeah. It's weird." He stepped back and laughed. "Yes! Thank you!" Then he quickly closed the distance and wrapped his arms around you. You hugged him back, relishing his embrace. The sound of a door opening caused you both to jump back, separating the two of you. "Sorry, sorry." Tamar offered as she closed the front door. "Don't mind me, I'm not even here. Just turn off the lights." She swiftly fled the living room. That did you in and you dissolved in to a giggle fit. You couldn't stop. It also didn't help that Yongguk was hysterically giggling as well. The two of you started shushing each other, which of course turned out to be counter-productive. So you did the only other thing you could think of and kissed him. That did the trick, though the small moan he let out sent a shiver down your spine. "I'd say I'll walk you home, but I really don't want this night to end." he declared. You eyed the couch and looked at him. He seemed to have the same thought as he glanced at it as well. Taking your hand, he led you to the couch and when you sat down, he scooted closer so the two of you were pressed up against each other. This time, you didn't move away. "First thing's first." He shifted a little so he could look at you better. "No matter what happens, you'll always be my best friend." You sighed in relief. "That's exactly what I was afraid of. And, same. Always." He smiled. "Good. And... I don't have to call Jessica, do I?" You barked out a laugh before covering your mouth to silence yourself. "No. Absolutely not. I will end you." That made him laugh this time. "Good, good." Then he smirked. "You do realize this means I'm entitled to steal your fries." "Again, I will end you." He chuckled and shook his head. Then he pulled you in for another kiss, which you eagerly gave in to. The feeling of his soft lips against yours was heavenly. "Okay." you murmured. "The fry stealing is a possibility." "A possibility." he agreed before kissing you again.