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caligvlasaqvarivm · 6 months

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Love is Stored in the Cat: A Nepeta Leijon Character Study

I guess these are a series now! I also have a request for Feferi in my inbox that I'll get around to eventually.

SO! Dear, sweet Nepeta.

Nepeta is the troll that is most against the existence of the hemocaste.

I believe the Ultimate Self speech was originally going to be from her, not Davepetasprite^2.

She's bad at shipping.

These all make her extremely impurrtant!!!

So furst of all, I'm going to start with the same disclaimer as my Eridan essay (go read that first!!! It sets up a lot of ideas that I'm expanding on here), which is that the things Hussie says are going to be lowered in value, because he likes to play coy about plot stuff. I'm also not counting anything but the actual text as canon, and even with in that text, I'm counting everything after GAME OVER as soft canon - a suggestion of what would have been, often truncated for time, often a deliberate middle finger to the shitty fandom.

Okay, so with that squared away!

Nepeta Says Fuck The Hemocaste

I'm not going to bother doing a deep dive on Nepeta's characterization, because fur the most part, I think the fandom more or less gets her right - she wears her heart (h33h33) on her sl33ve, after all! She's a very sweet little catgirl who loves roleplay and shipping, who is also a vicious hunter of wild beasts and lives in a cave. She's very nice and friendly, but has a tough streak and a spine.

She also says fuck the hemocaste, why does that even exist:

CT: D --> Your fraternization with the base classes have 100sened your morals, can't you see this AC: :33 < no! i dont care, they are fun AC: :33 < and i dont know anything about classes or bases or blood color, it doesn't matter! AC: :33 < what does gr33n blood even mean! it doesnt mean anything to me and it shouldnt mean anything to anyone else!

This is a radical stance not outright shared by any of the other trolls. Aradia calls highbloods "hateful sn0bs" that she and Tavros shouldn't have "ever had anything t0 d0 with", the highbloods are, of course, all casteist to varying degrees, and even Karkat seems fairly accepting of the class divide, at one point taunting Vriska that her rejection from the blue team is "ANOTHER INFURIATING VICTORY FOR GUTTER BLOOD OVER ARISTOCRACY". Not to mention his long-held dream of becoming a threshecutioner.

Even Feferi, despite saying to Eridan that "W-E AR-E NOT B-ETT-ER T)(AN ANYBODY!!!!!", is actually perfectly comfortable with the caste system's existence, comparing having to stop using her royal typing quirk to "peasant-IFICATING" herself - and let's not forget that a Beforus under her rule had its caste system 100% intact.

This means that Nepeta is the ONLY troll who has said, in no uncertain terms, that the caste system should not exist. It's stupid, it's bad, and it doesn't meowtter!

AND SHE'S RIGHT.

But she's never able to fully express this opinion, which brings us to:

A COMPLICKATED RELATIONSHIP WITH EQUIUS

Now, before I say anything, I must insist that I do believe these two work as good moirails. That does not, however, stop them from being 13, and therefore, being poor to each other the way 13-year-olds sometimes are. I don't think they should break up; I think they should re-examine certain dynamics, and I think they need some space to breathe apart from each other.

Equius has a lot of problems, which I won't get into overmuch here, because... that's a whole essay on its own (are you people seeing a trend yet). But with regards to Nepeta specifically, he's extremely controlling and protective, to the point where she's a little scared of him before the game begins:

AC: :33 < well it does sound like it will be a lot of fun but i think i should get purrmission first GC: BL4R!!!!! GC: TH4TS SO STUP1D GC: H3S NOT TH3 BOSS OF YOU AC: :33 < i know! AC: :33 < but still im kind of scared of him and i think purrhaps its best to just run it by him first so there isnt a kerfuffle about it or anything

She's also afraid to tell him about her crush on Karkat, since she knows he doesn't like Karkat:

AC: :33 < well AC: :33 < i have never told anybody this not even my moirail AC: :33 < heh, actually hes the LAST guy i might tell, he so wouldnt appurrve X33 AC: :33 < but yes i have liked somebody for quite some time, but alas he doesnt know it

By the time they end their game, she's gotten over this fear, seeing as she spends many hours curled up with Equius in a pile of robotics parts, but it still must be noted that they have some issues in their relationship that were never resolved, primarily on Equius's end. What this means for Nepeta, however, is that in addition to setting her up as the most outright anti-classism troll, the comic sets her up to be socially isolated due to her moirail's paranoia about letting her associate with both lowbloods (seeing them as bad influences) OR other highbloods, seeing them as dangerous.

He's not entirely wrong - his refusal to allow her to participate in FLARP kept her from winding up entangled in the horrible chain of revenge, as Tavros alludes:

AT: iT'S PROBABLY FOR THE BEST, AT: tHAT YOU LISTEN TO HIM, AC: :33 < i dont know AC: :33 < you think so? AT: wELL, AT: iF YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO HIM BEFORE, AT: yOU MIGHT HAVE PLAYED GAMES WITH US BEFORE, AT: aND SOMETHING BAD MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU, AC: :33 < hmm purrhaps

But he's still wrong. And it's probably an uncontrolled manifestation of his Heir of Void abilities - he's both consciously and unconsciously hiding her from other people.

This isn't to say she doesn't stand up for herself! Many of her discussions with Equius are pseudo-arguments, and she does get her way often enough, managing to get him to roleplay with her, and managing to get him back in the roboti% pile to talk about his feelings about Aradia. She also talks to the humans explicitly against Equius's orders, although she's keeping it a sneakret from him:

NEPETA: :33 < but equius already furbid me from doing that :(( NEPETA: :33 < not that i am listening to him, but shhhhh! :33 KARKAT: WAIT, HE DID? KARKAT: OK, THEN AS YOUR LEADER I ORDER YOU TO RP WITH THEM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. BE AS OBNOXIOUS ABOUT IT AS YOU CAN. NEPETA: :33 < yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

But the fact that she has to tiptoe around him like this speaks to them having issues in their relationship that go unexamined and unresolved, especially since it's clear that Nepeta really would like to be friends with more people, were Equius not getting in her way. So, even though I do think they are good moirails for each other - they clearly genuinely, deeply care about one another. But they could use some relationship counselling.

In fact, Jasprosesprite^2 outright calls her lonely:

JASPROSESPRITE^2: Or the girl who likes ships! Cause they made her less lonely. ;3

So, she's anti-hemocaste and lonely, two character traits that were set up and never resolved. And beclaws this is Nepeta, in her honor, I'm going to talk about a third:

Her Unrequited Crush On Karcat

She has the BIGGEST flushed crush on Karkat. It's seen on her shipping wall twice, once with the word OTP on it.

And, despite never discussing it with her moirail, Nepeta mentions it once to Jaspersprite, and once to Jasprosesprite^2.

Now, I'm not really here to debate on the validity of KatNep - I think it's fine, even if I don't personally ship it, and don't personally think it would work out (there are lots of indications that they wouldn't work out, including Jasprosesprite^2 outright saying so). However, her crush on Karkat is both complicated and creates some interesting setups for her character. I am going to discuss it fairly critically either way, so KatNep shippers have been warned.

A lot of her feelings about Karkat - and about shipping in general - wind up being heavily interlinked with her status as a Hero of Heart, so I'm going to expand on it more there. But what I will note in this section is the fact that, despite Nepeta insisting twice that she doesn't think Karkat knows about her crush on her:

NEPETASPRITE: :33 < it was karkat NEPETASPRITE: :33 < but i never told him and im pretty sure he never found out how i felt!

He tooootally did:

KARKAT: OK, BUT TO BE FAIR, I'M PRETTY SURE SHE'S STILL OBSESSED WITH ME. KARKAT: IT'S A VERY UNFORTUNATE, VERY RED AND VERY UNREQUITED SITUATION I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TIPTOE AROUND FOR A LONG TIME, OK?

Interpret that how you will for shipping purposes, but I want to propose that this is a reflection of their statuses as Heart and Blood players. Heart, despite its players' obsessions with romance, is not the romance aspect, Blood is. Karkat displays this very same romantic acumen when he tells Dave that he's known Terezi and Gamzee were a thing for a long time, despite everyone else on the meteor trying to keep it a secret from him. Heart is, instead, about identity, feelings, motivations, souls, and self. In other words:

Nepeta Is Kind Of Bad At Shipping

Let's take a look at those shipping walls.

Let's break this down a little. Nepeta's ships are not entirely wrong, but even the successful ones are kind of wrong. Here's what I mean. We've already discussed how Equius and Nepeta's moirallegiance has some... issues in it. If we go down her list of ships that actually do happen, most of them have some issues in them!

Aradia expresses her regret for getting together with Equius in the Ministrife. Kanaya and Rose suffer some major relationship problems when Rose starts drinking, to the point Karkat feels a need to step in as an auspice. Karkat and Gamzee fail, as Karkat is not calmed by Gamzee, and Gamzee stops listening to Karkat. And while Sollux and Feferi seem to be fairly healthy, after they both wind up in the Furthest Ring, he's pretty much always next to Aradia - he and Feferi don't even get to exchange words with each other once they're in the Furthest Ring. Purrsonally, I think he and Feferi are meant to end up as moirails, but shhhh.

So what's happening here? Well, this goes back to her identity as a Heart player. Heart is concerned with feelings and motivations.

They simply want to understand the one thing we all are stuck with for our entire lives, i.e. our own minds. Forging an identity is extremely important to the Heart-bound, and every decision and action goes toward building a coherent narrative of their own story. That isn't to say Heart-bound don't care deeply for their friends and allies; they just have a tendency to assume that everyone is as concerned with identity as they are.

Nepeta's shipping has also been associated with her isolation and loneliness. When you put this together, it implies that Nepeta's shipping is about her desire to understand others, and much of her ships are based on one of the parties having feelings, regardless of compatibility, feasibility, or broader implications. After all, despite the fact that she has pretty terrible romantic acumen, she IS able to instinctively identify that Eridan's advances toward her were insincere:

NEPETASPRITE: :33 < well ok i guess eridan hit on me a few times NEPETASPRITE: :33 < but his advances always struck me as cr33py and insincere

And that Karkat secretly LOVES and RESPECTS his friends:

JASPROSESPRITE^2: On the contrary Nepeta. You deserve someone who will RESPECT and ADORE you. NEPETASPRITE: :33 < well... yes NEPETASPRITE: :33 < i always hoped to find someone like that some day NEPETASPRITE: :33 < i dunno maybe youre right but in spite of whatever problems he might have i always felt like i saw something in him that made me think he could be that purrson!

Or knowing that Equius loves to play games, and still feels sad about Aradia exploding:

AC: :33 < i s33 right through your stupid act, who are you trying to kid! AC: :33 < look how you go out of your way to use words that have x's in them so that you can use your silly purrcent signs AC: :33 < or use these absurd words that you can shoehorn a '100' into, even if its not strictly replacing 'loo'!!! AC: :33 < you are so transpurrent AC: :33 < i can tell you like to play games, d33p down you are a guy who likes to play games! AC: :33 < i can smell a guy who likes to play games from so fur away with this nose, you have no idea X33

NEPETA: :33 < she was so happy, just like she used to be, and she said she would s33 you soon! EQUIUS: D --> That's a nice thought, and thank you for sharing it EQUIUS: D --> But it was only a dream, and will surely have no consequence in reality NEPETA: :33 < equius? NEPETA: :33 < are those f33lings i an detecting with my wiggly whiskery nose? EQUIUS: D --> Maybe

Because feelings, and not relationships, are her actual domain.

And speaking of Heart powers...

Nepeta and the Ultimate Self

So from this point forward, I'm going to assume you're more or less agreeing with my take that at some point after Game Over, Hussie - for whatever reason - gave up on his original ending, and wound up truncating his ideas so he could finish the comic faster. I go more into detail about that here.

So, in this hypothetical original ending, I firmly believe that the speech about the Ultimate Self would have come from Nepeta. First, let's take a look at what the "Ultimate Self" entails, as it appears within the comic:

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < everything that ever happens to every version of you is an important part of your ultimate self... like a superceding bodyless and timeless persona that crosses the boundaries of paradox space and unlike god tiers or bubble ghosts or whatever, it really IS immortal DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but in your physical form there are all these partitions in your mind that prevent you from remembering any of that which makes your existence f33l totally linear DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < which is probably for the best! DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < in a regular body s33ing all that would be too overwhelming ... DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < and after it sinks in for a while you start coming to this understanding of a greater self DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < maybe i "got it" quicker though because of the two people i was and their aspects DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < understanding heart is all about the nuances of a distributed self DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < nepeta never got to make much headway with her aspect but shes finally gettin the chance DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < the time aspect is all about running into different versions of yourself so you kinda get confronted with it in a really literal way that can be disturbing DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < obviously davesprite stuggled with that too, but now its fine DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < hes fr33 from worrying about it all and what it means for his place in reality DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < because he can s33 now all his selves have relevance in painting the full picture of who he truly is DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < im not COMPLETELY sure because im not like some sort of ASPECT MASTER but DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < my avian slash feline intuition tells me that all roads will lead you here eventually DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < gaining the d33pest possible understanding of any aspect will bring you to the same final conclusion about your ultimate self

Now, I believe - and I hope you'll agree - that it's kind of lame, narratively, for Davesprite to have been set up with so much angst about not being the "real Dave," and for Nepeta to have all her issues with loneliness and shyness, and for these two specific iterations of each other to have never interacted, but suddenly getting double-prototyped fixes all of their problems, and they achieve Ultimate Selfhood despite being two total strangers to each other. So let's instead break down the more salient points about what Ultimate Selfhood entails, divorced from the fact that it's Davepetasprite^2 doing the narrating:

Every player in the game possesses an "Ultimate Self," an ultimate culmination of all their experiences and memories, specifically referred to as a "persona"

Normally, people are not aware of this, because it would be too overwhelming to deal with so many memories and iterations of each other.

Everyone will achieve Ultimate Selfhood eventually as the final culmination of their understanding of their aspect.

Heart is all about the nuances of a distributed self.

Let's talk about that last one some more, and by that I mean, let's see what Calliope has to say about it:

TT: I don't know why it had to be this way for me. Juggling these two waking selves at once. TT: I guess I'm used to it, but it still makes for a pretty intense existence. TT: Do you even know what the deal with that is? Like is there any precedent in your readings? UU: i don't know aboUt precedent, bUt it makes plenty of sense to me as the type of path one might expect for a hero of heart. UU: a path rUled by the heart aspect can be a joUrney of splintered self. UU: that is, the player's being may exhibit the same kind of fragmentation which certain classes coUld caUse in others. UU: i think this is what has triggered yoUr dUal-awareness between waking and dream selves, thoUgh it woUld not sUrprise me if the symptoms manifested in even more ways than this.

Now, Dirk has a clawmplicated relationship with his alternate selves, given that he's a Prince, but Nepeta wouldn't have the same struggles, or at least, not to the same degree. The problem is, hampered by Equius and her own shyness about discussing her thoughts and feelings with others:

NEPETASPRITE: :33 < i get so shy and worried what people might think of me if i say how i f33l NEPETASPRITE: :33 < im always so scared that they wont f33l the same way or just think im stupid or pathetic or something

She never actually gets to explore this part of herself.

But What If... She Did?

The way I imagine the original ending going is that each troll that gets saved by John's interference in the timeline then asks John to help them fix their own mistakes, thereby saving somebody else. Each successive trip through the meteor brings new character development, and also riddles the comic with progressively more password pages, which I think would be really funny. And throughout all this the Game Over team is searching for Vriska, Meenah, and the treasure, and resolving their arcs that way, so it's not like they would be replaced - they're the ones who get to kill LE. The process, in my mind, goes like this:

Terezi asks John to save Vriska, and prevent her from getting too spades with Gamzee, as these are her two greatest regrets.

Vriska obviously had great regrets about killing Tavros, both pre- and post-retcon, so she asks for his death to be prevented.

Tavros staying alive means that he and Gamzee wind up hashing out some stuff - Gamzee mentions that he feels "So aT ChIlL WiTh yOu" while talking to Tavros, and Tavros reciprocates the friendship and also - interestingly - acknowledges Gamzee's religion, calling it beautiful even if he doesn't necessarily believe in it. This is interesting because Karkat's inability to do so is explicitly one of the reasons their moirallegiance broke down. So having Tavros back, alive, means that he and Gamzee would likely end up in some sort of relationship, probably pale despite flushed leanings, and would bring Gamzee back into the fold.

Gamzee would then be like, yeah, wow, that time I killed Nepeta and Equius was pretty bad, huh? Especially since his decision to hang onto his friends' bodies and prototype them is often interpreted as him genuinely feeling bad about his dead friends (he tells Kurloz to shut up when Kurloz mentions all the dead friends, and his religion seems to be about a paradise he wants to share with his friends anyway). So he'd ask John to prevent him from killing them, resulting in the two of them getting to live.

Things get much more hypothetical from here, since so much of the character dynamics would have changed, but I think by this point, Equius might command ask John to let him say goodbye to Aradiabot before she explodes, which he expresses feeling very sad about. However, in doing so, John and Aradiabot end up in the same room, and when she realizes that he has the ability to change the timeline without repercussions, she'd seize him by the arm and demand that he take her back in time, to before she died. After all, she expresses regrets about her reckless actions, and how she always felt like it was all one big setup.

She would take Aradia's place in the Vriska revenge chain, being once more freed of her robot chassis, and from there, would trick Doc Scratch and the Handmaiden into thinking everything was still going according to their designs. Meanwhile, Alive!Aradia would be hanging out at Equius's place, borrowing his void powers to avoid notice, coordinating a new timeline that keeps the beats of the original (too much deviation causes unpredictability, and an paradox'd timeline offshoot without John's direct interference would still become doomed), but allows them greater freedom and the ability to overcome the machinations of Doc Scratch and associates.

This would also prevent Sollux from becoming so self-loathing, since it's no longer "his fault" that Aradia dies, although he winds up in that hole again after Feferi gets killed. Now that his Aradia is alive, he wouldn't feel like he might as well stay in the bubbles because his closest companions are there, so he'd make it to the end, and would ask John to prevent Feferi's death.

Eridan still dies; he's so disconnected and isolated from all his friends that his course of actions is largely unaffected even by everybody else's timeline tweaks. But before Feferi can suggest bringing him back, Karkat would butt in.

The Friendship Troll should be the one to demand that ALL of their friends be revived, especially if they had everyone except only one guy, and Karkat and Eridan are heavily implied to be moirails anyway. The course of Karkat's fixes are so comprehensive, and primarily romance-based, that the end result of this final loop is everybody not only being alive, but god-tiered, with appropriate character development.

Now, where Nepeta's Heart powers would play into all of this is that she would start to notice something going on. After all, Heart players are sensitive to their splintered selves, and (Nepeta) is probably much closer to Nepeta than regular doomed timeline offshoots. As the loops continue, and Nepeta has more and more time to talk to people, and meets her dead alternate selves, and even meets (Nepeta), she starts to awaken to her Ultimate Self - to come into possession of alternate memories.

And if the Ultimate Self is a very soul-y kind of concept, such that Heart players have a natural advantage in coming to understand it, then isn't it a natural fit that a Rogue of Heart - one who steals from Heart or steals Heart for others - would be naturally inclined to share the wisdom of her alternate selves, and even the very concept of the Ultimate Self, with her friends?

Because the Ultimate Self is actually, in my opinion, a pretty good narrative device. It turns the sadness of the dead and doomed timelines into something littersweet instead, and makes it so any weirdness regarding time travel and not really knowing your friends anymore will eventually be resolved, even if off-screen.

It's not really narratively satisfying when Davepetasprite^2 suddenly comes into being and reaches enlightenment, but imagine if instead it's a post-character development Nepeta comforting Davesprite on his relevance, or Jade on her loneliness, or John on not really knowing these new post-retcon versions of his friends? It would feel a lot better, since in this hypothetical, she would have reached that point after on-screen character development. Being able to share her true self with her friends on the meteor - by necessity, since what else are they going to be doing for three years - leads to her finally being able to fulfill her role as a Rogue of Heart.

Also, at some point during these repeated meteor trips, she dates Karkat (whether that's successful or not, I'll leave to reader interpretation - you already know where I stand), fulfilling Jaspersprite's musing that she might only be able to date Karkat after she dies.

So that's two out of thr33 of her outstanding plot hooks resolved... okay. So, I try not to make these essays into ship propaganda, but hear me out:

Hate Is Stored In The FefNep

Okay, so, remember that thing about how Feferi is actually a huge casteist hypocrite? Well, let's also note that the comic, post-Murderstuck, seems to put Nepeta and Feferi together a lot - they're a Commodore and Rear Admiral in the ghost pirate army, respectively, and they also wind up as Fefetasprite. So I think it's not entirely out of left field to say that these two were implied to have SOMETHING going on.

And that something... is a difference in political views.

I mean, let's be real, there's a reason Fefetasprite is the most explode-prone after Tavrisprite. Miss "The Hemocaste is Stupid and Shouldn't Matter" vs. Miss "I Love Being A Princess And Call Jade Hornless and Finless (Derogatory)"? Come on, tell me you don't see it.

Without getting too much into Feferi, this hypocrisy, and unwillingness to check her privilege (so glad I found an excuse to use that term unironically), are probably her greatest character flaws - ie, the things you would expect the story to address about her. Meanwhile, one of Nepeta's flaws, which she laments to Jasproseprite^2, is that she feels too shy to talk about her feelings to other people, leading to her having never expressed her views on the hemocaste to anyone but Equius.

I think that they initially think they'd be friends. Each one of them would go "oh man, this other girl is soooo cute, I wish I could talk to her more often!"

And then, once they do, they realize they fucking hate each other. Nepeta would go "X00 < you are such a hypocrite who f33ls like youre better than all of us!!!" and Feferi would go "You're suc)( an uneducated glubbing P-EASANT! 3X0" and then they'd claw each others' eyes out. It would be so funny, and if a homestuck ship isn't extremely fucking funny, then why are we even here.

But more importantly, this would further them along into resolving each others' arcs - Feferi would be forced to grapple with the greater implications of classism, and Nepeta - who is shown having a spine the most in defiance of somebody else - would grow more aggressive about being open about her feelings in defiance of Feferi. Even Equius would get roped into it in a positive way - you can just imagine him going "D --> Can I really believe my auricular sponge clots D --> Nepeta, you are finally taking interest in politi%" and be 100% on board with teaching her so Feferi won't be able to call her uneducated.

And then for flushed, I dunno! Karkat's an option, and Jade and Jake also both love the fuck out of furries, and Tavros seems nice. But yeah I'll die on the fefnep hate ship. Guys it would be so funny.

Thank you as always for reading! Let me know if there's a troll you want to hear me ramble about next.

#homestuck #nepeta leijon #feferi peixes #equius zahhak

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wszczebrzyszynie · 10 months

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Do you perhaps have some space mining au etho lore? I love your design for him catboy etho is so real

The thing about Etho is that his lore is very... meta? Its edgy because space mining is made to resemble a 90s anime. Hes just one of those characters. I have a proper digital artwork of him but its not coloured and i dont have my laptop with me. So instead have an old chibi i made. With Zed. Everything is under the read more

He was born in a lab... all alone. He was genetically modified to have animal features; not exactly a legal procedure, and definitely not a common one. Child experiment made in the name of science. Etho can easily say hes one of a kind... he doesnt even have any strong health complications from that. He was probably the only one out of the children there. It was generally speaking a very traumatic experience. He managed to escape off planet in his teens and was homeless for a while. A stray kitten if you will. While living on the site, he never really had any experience with the outside world; he knew... some things, but not enough to survive on his own

Living on the streets was hard on him. He didnt even know how things like shops or money work; it was never something he needed to know, as his existence was kept a secret. He didnt even know that an apperance like his is something... special. He knew hes one of the only "animal hybrids", but he didnt exactly... connect the dots, what that would mean. After some time of barely surviving he managed to find his place; not really his people, but a community that would help him when he really struggled, even if it took them a while to get used to him. Which is something he really, really needed, as in the beginning Etho couldnt really steal or even lie very well. He was very much a stray, wet cat. And he grew up like this, learning more things from the streets, becoming clever, more... cat-like. He managed to... ułożyć sobie życie (whatever the translation of that is; he was satisfied with his life). And then his colony got destroyed by the organisation Pearl was in, kickstarting his bounty hunting buisness; something that will take well over 10 years.

Cool Etho facts that i couldnt fit well in the backstory part:

Despite his pathetic beginnings he becomes what i would call a one man army... he knows how to get information. He can fight well. Can fix his own tech. Despite his generally chill attitude hes a foe to be feared. He kills people

His bounty hunter persona is kept anonymous for safety reasons. He could be called anarchist, doesnt mind breaking the law, and hes a child experiment runaway. No one knows how he looks like; he actively hides his cat-like features (with a helmet and custom crafted coat to hide the tail). The reason i dont draw him with one is because i like kitty

Hes a huge decked out fan. One of many in the story, apparently. He holds no negative feelings towards Tango (and in fact respects him a lot), but the callisto explosion was rumored to be connected with earthian terrorists, so he just... ended up trying to catch him. Recreationally. He was very obvious about his love for decked out the whole time and tried sharing his strategies.

#artwork #ethoslab #space mining au

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 7 months

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would i be the asshole for contacting my ex to ask them if they could stop talking about me online to a community that knows who i am? (🥐)

tw: kinda emotionally abusive relationship

bg info

me (24f) and my ex (28) were in a three month relationship three years ago following a whole year of friendship. they were my first partner and i came out as a lesbian to everyone during our relationship. when we were together, they were 24 and i was 20. i was very emotionally dependent on them when i was 20 due to mental health issues and so were they which is probably one of the reasons why our relationship was as explosive as it was. i looked up to them, my whole emotional world revolved around them, and our friendship/relationship was the only thing i had in my life at the time. they constantly asked me "hey is it even ethical that im dating you, im 4 years older, you tell me please, oh i feel like such a bad person", yet, they still continued dating me every time they would ask.

our fights were horrible and truly explosive as they broke their stuff in front of me out of anger, threw things at me and insulted me as stupid, amongst many other things. our fights usually ensued because i would ask them for reassurance and they would start panicking and screaming at me to shut up. to be fair, i would cry every time i was asking for reassurance which probably made them feel scared about losing me, so i consider myself 50% at fault for everything that happened in our relationship, i shouldve been able to talk to them in a secure manner that wouldnt trigger their abandonment issues. our fights were quite jarring and made me walk out on them several times out of fear. yet i always came back and apologized and took the whole accountability, even though i dont consider myself the only one at fault. walking out several times during fights was probably one of the worst things i could have done but at the same time i was simply scared. even when i walked out after our last fight, they begged me to come back, which i did, i apologized under tears, and yet, told them that i cant promise them to stay no matter what.. and left.

we met through tumblr and were in a medium distance relationship. after our relationship, i went to a clinic and had to learn a lot about myself, what i experienced and what i want from life. im in a very happy and healthy place now and since the end of 2021 im with my current partner whom i want to be the love of my life and whom ive started to build a life with.

context

i have my ex blocked on all social media because they used to do hour long deep dives into my blog, even as of recently (i have statcounter installed for my safety bc im paranoid about them sending me anonymous asks). at first i also used to visit their blog after our break up but stopped doing so after moving on with my life. one year after breaking up i temporarily unblocked them and explicitly asked them not to look at my social media (or at least to do it in a way in which i dont notice aka asked them not to watch my instagram stories).

while i dont visit their blog/social media because i dont want to know whats going on in their life, tumblr mutuals frequently dm me stuff like "hey i think you should know that your ex posted about you/shit talks about something that you posted". i havent asked my mutuals to tell me whenever this happens but i imagine they do so because within the tumblr space we exist, everyone kind of knows everyone (so my ex doesnt have to mention my name for people to know who theyre talking about). sometimes mutuals send screenshots of the posts so that i dont have to visit my ex's blog. last ive heard my ex joked about throwing jewelry at me and posted extensively about a tattoo that i got. my ex's behavior makes me uncomfortable and feel just as helpless as i did back then.

why i might be the asshole

im scared that they might be venting because i was more at fault in the relationship than them and that i am unconsciously deflecting. however, i talked about every detail of the relationship and this fear extensively with my therapist, friends, and partner who are of the opinion that i was young, scared, and intertwined in a relationship that was incredibly toxic. im still unsure though because my emotions frequently triggered theirs.

why they might be the asshole

i asked them once to stop visiting my social media and i feel like venting about our relationship that broke off 3 years ago to a tumblr community of friends and acquaintances is kind of unfair. however, i might be the asshole and they might just need the space for venting. i could just ignore the vents and let them heal in their own way from what ensued.

WIBTA if i confronted them again and told them that i want them to stop talking about me online? or would i be a party pooper because every person needs a space for venting?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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jenjibear · 7 months

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What I think the dreamies twitters would look like

A bullet point imagine

This idea came randomly to me and thought it was a cute concept lmao

so i hope you enjoy my mind

Mark

2am quotes, drunk thoughts, poems or just how he is feeling he always manages to say the deepest things at 2am

guitar videos, hes just practising silently humming the melody along with his playing

he posts his song wips hoping to find inspiration from the people who read them and offer advice

if he isnt posting his likes are filled from his time spent doom scrolling

just a bunch of sad quotes in those likes

Renjun

artistic is the only way to describe it, proudly shares his art with everyone also offers commissions for some money on the side

laughs slightly when a nctzen asks for a drawing of a member not knowing its him doing the commission

loves sharing his art with everyone

shares tutorials and videos of supplies he reccomends

very artsy

Jeno

this account is barren

you'd think it was a bot acc honestly

mostly posts about his bike and the things he sees out on his bike rides

genuinely forgets it exists posts every 3 months if that

he's just a pure soul and doesn't really use the app that much

haechan

meme lord #1

he's posting candids he's taken of the members like he's a menace

he interacts with nctzen's and is living for the memes they post too

exposes the members on the tl constantly

i'm talking out of context screenshots of convos and starting random hashtags

Jaemin

cat pictures hourly

literally has alarms set up to remember to post a picture of his cats

doesn't matter what he's doing he will drop everything to post on the tl to not let the fans down

replies to the fans as if hes the cats like "thank you - luna"

very proud cat dad

Chenle

meme lord #2

unlike haechan hes fully making memes and reaction pics

is the most followed nct meme acc on twitter and no one knows its him

very very proud of himself honestly

almost exposes himself in a video because he was editing a meme he takes his meme lord position seriously

Jisung

he doesnt really know what hes doing so just posts like most of stan twitter does

joins in on all the quiz thread trends

interacts with the fans, hes became a nct fan acc of himself without realising

people think hes a sasaeng because he posts unreleased photos and is at the same events

he comes clean and does a space to reveal its him and gains millions of followers

#nct #chenle #haechan #jaemin #jeno #mark lee #park jisung #nct dream #nct dream fluff #nct dream x reader #nct fanfic #nct scenarios #nct dream imagines #nct dream bullet imagine #nct social media au #nct social au #nct dream social media au

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itgomyway · 1 year

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why you already have your “desires” ♡

non dualism means there’s no duality in your world. theres no other force at play here. it is just you. everything that manifest into your reality is as real as you let it become. your fingernails being painted vs not painted is up to the observer; you.

you cannot keep letting your senses dictate what you have. not now not ever not even when it seems like they align exact with what you want. these senses are always misleading. i have money but its not physically touching my hand. does this mean i dont have it?

for example. more than half of you are manifesting a relationship (which is 100% OKAY. never let anybody make you feel bad for it). however, since you know about non dualism, you know that everything is consciousness meaning everything is you. this includes your sp.

when ppl say your relationship always reflects how you feel about yourself THIS IS TRUE because it is just you. everything is you. my boyfriend and how he treats me is a reflection of how i view myself. ill give you an example:

when i first met him i wanted someone who would always be there for me and always want to take care of me. and he showed me that. but due to my ptsd, i used to have episodes where id push him away and believe he didnt rlly like me or want me. we spoke less and he gave me my space and it used to upset me and id be confused until one day he did smth nice for me and when i said thank u he thanked me for “letting him love me”. this was months ago so i didnt think ab it much at the time but i literally was not letting him.

he had no choice but to follow my rules. he had no choice but to present the way i assumed he would and he directly told me this what does this have to do with non dualism? like i said, everything is me. theres no outside force doing something to me, it is just me.

and there is no separation involved. there’s no imagination that has to reflect to the real world theres no 3d conforming to the 4d and there. is. no. waiting. this has nothing to do with time. time is a concept the ego (you) created to better comprehend your senses (also you)

so when i tell u whatever u “desire” is yours, IS YOURS. the little voice in the back of your head telling you to think logical tell them to shut up because logic is another ego-centered term. the ego (who is you!) was created to protect your body. but you are not just your body.

you are pure consciousness. you are everything even what it is you desire. desiring doesnt exist when you are already everything you desire. you want that man? then hes yours babes. you want a fat paycheck? then its yours

“but i say that and then i check my bank account and-“ aht aht. what did i just tell you? stop leading your understanding with misleading senses. there is no separation from what you want and want you dont want because everything is inherently neutral in the first place.

theres no différence between the number in your bank account and the number “in your head”. the bank account and number arent even real in the first place so why do you care? be fucking free from anything you have once deemed “physical” therefore real. cuz none of it is babygirl

if you ever find yourself not believing bc you dont “see it” then remind yourself that you’re still looking at it from a point of duality which is wasting your time because you are one ☝️

#consciousness #nondualism #nonduality #law of assumption #awareness

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yoonzinuhh · 1 year

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whatever you want— mingyu

𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 : reader x mingyu

𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲 : smut. fluff. comfort.

𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 : SMUT. MINORS DNI !! curse words. unprotected sex. reader has vagina. please let me know if i have missed something. (english isn’t my first language so if there’s any mistake kindly do ignore :)

𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿’𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲 : this is purely fiction. i have no intentions in sexualising any idol and have great respect for them as an artist. these are for entertainment purpose only.

-10:54 p.m

mingyu’s pov:

it’s almost the day..the day i was brought into the world yet the same day i hate with my entire being..the day i wish i could erase

birthdays are special to many and sadly mingyu wasnt one.

lost in thoughts i almost miss my door bell ringing..seeing the clock say 10:54,wondering who it could be i open the door only to see my favourite person ever,my best friend or more,my safe place,my y/n.

“Hey gyu” she whispers as i let her get in. we spend most of our time together. she’s calm,unlike me..like a quiet breeze on a heavy evening,existence almost not seen yet bringing so much love and joy. she knows i hate my birthday and never insists me to celebrate it.

“Should we watch something?” she says,plopping on my couch,like its her home..i wish it is.

oh how could i tell no..i’m so in love with her. so much,just for her.

general pov:

with a sigh you pass the remote to mingyu letting him decide what to watch knowing very well he’s about to watch the same show every time. you dont mind because you know you’ll be drowsing off in few minutes. and you do.

11:54 p.m

you stretch a little,you eyes waking up to no one,mingyu isn’t beside you. you look at the time,walking around to find him.

seeing a broad shoulder peeking out at the balcony and you swear you heard a sniffle.

you know why,you know him all,all his secrets. noticing your reflection on the glass he turns quick trying to hide his tears.

“you’re up sleepyhead..thats so unlikel-“

you hug him,the tightest,like the world is ending the next minute. you know your bestfriend. he doesnt talk about what bothers him. well how can he when all he does is give,give and give. inspite of your cold response to everything he does,not because you want to but thats how you are,he never stops giving you more because he knows you care,you love.

“You can cry..your secrets are always safe with me..you know..” you whisper against his shoulder.

there is silence which is then followed by wetness on your neck crook. oh it breaks your heart. you pillar crying against you and you are grateful that he trusts you enough to show his weakest parts,just like you do.

patting his back,ruffling his hair you stay quiet. you know thats what he wants.

he slightly pulls away looking at the ground while you search for his eyes,blood shot,nose pink. your heart aches physically as you hold his face. you want to wish him for his birthday but you know he hates it.

“thanks for being born gyu..” thats all you say,just like always,short and whats needed.

he stares into your eyes slowing leaning onto your lips then pulling back immediately.

“I-I’m so sorry I don’t know w-wh-“

you close the space with him up by a kiss. a very soft,delicate and comforting kiss. he snakes his hands on your waist pulling you closer,making the kiss deeper. you don’t complain.

the kiss grows more passionate and desperate. you hugging his neck while he slides his tongue onto your mouth,exploring it. he pulls away a bit

“Please tell me to stop..please”

you don’t. you just kiss him again as you both move to the counter and he makes you sit on it.

His plumpy lips all swollen because of your longest kiss,his face shining under the moonlight. you start kissing again.

“Gyu..please”

He slowly puts his hand onto your waist band,making his way to your core,already wet. he groans at the feeling.

Putting two fingers inside,making sure you’re okay to continue,he slowly rubs your clit with his thumb,making circles to relax you while his two fingers inside pump in and out of your hole.

“Oh god- fuck” you moan out as he fastens his pace.

An unfamiliar knot on your stomach,you almost sob onto his shoulder,hiding yourself as you cum. Eyes fluttering at the euphoric feeling,tiredly you put your hands onto his pants elastic.

His eyes widens

“Are you sure about this y/n..?”

You nod as he takes you to the couch,putting you under him as you remove your pants then your panties while he works on removing your shirt.

“So fucking beautiful..oh god”

Flushed cheeks,fully naked with your legs wide apart for your bestfriend. This was the last thing you expected on his birthday.

“Tell me if you want me to stop..or if you want more..or slow..tell me everything you want..hm”

You shyly nod.

He put his tip on your entrance gaining a moan from pain. A tear escapes as he pushes a little. His leans to kiss away your tear whispering a “it’ll get better,i promise” to distract you and ofcourse he wins.

“Y-You can move now” you tell and he does. Very slowly moving rhythmically,stealing few kisses,enough for you to lose your mind. “Ouhh..fast p-please”

Skins slapping,quiet sobs and groans all over his apartment. You both don’t break your eye contact. Getting deep your grab his back,almost scratching it deep.

“Gyu i think- OH FUCK” you scream out,cum dripping. he pulls back making himself cum with his hands.

Panting and resting for few minutes he takes you to the room,making sure you clean yourself,making the bed for you both to rest.

You lie on to the bed,your back facing him. Endless thoughts on your mind,some regrets,how is this going to affect both of you. You quietly sob.

A warm hand snakes onto your waist,pulling you close.

“Hey..don’t cry..” he comforts while his heart breaks hearing you.

“I’m so sorry-“

“Don’t be. If anyone has to be sorry then its me..I should’t have-“

“And I should’ve stopped you when you asked me to..you are my bestfriend,this is so wrong,i r-ruined everything” you sob louder this time.

“Y/n..you ruined nothing. Look at me” he says as he turns you around. Tears glistening you make an eye contact with him.

“I know..I know how you feel because i feel the same way but..” pausing “we can do whatever you want to. if you want to this to the next step we can,or if you want to stop and forget everything we can…or if y-you want me to stop seeing you ever again..we still can..whatever you want..you know i love you,more than a friend should..”almost making the last sentence inaudible.

“i don’t know gyu..you’re definitely more than a friend to me..but i think i need my time,to process all of this..”

“ofcourse y/n. take your time,i can wait for an eternity” he chuckles.

you stare at him,this time with more love. cuddling each other knowing very well you’re both in love,terribly.

#seventeen #svt smut #svt imagines #svt x reader #mingyu #mingyu smut #mingyu x reader

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ceasarslegion · 6 months

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I know i have a lot of teenagers who follow me because i dont baby talk to them regarding things like drugs and alcohol and sex. So i wanted to throw out some advice that still saves my ass every day as an adult that i learned to instill in myself as a teenager:

-Learn how to keep house. I know that every adult is beating job skills into you right now and its overwhelming to say to least, but no matter what you end up doing with your life, you will need to know how to cook and clean and budget and go grocery shopping and do laundry and the dishes and x y z. You will need to know how to work with cleaning products like bleach safely and without creating mustard gas by accident. If you figure that out now, you will be able to take care of yourself for the rest of your life. Those are skills that you WILL need every day in the real world no matter what.

-i want to asterix the budgeting part. I know way too many grown adults who could be doing very well for themselves who are broke as shit and actively getting worse because they cant budget to save their lives. Managing your finances is what will often be the difference between living relatively comfortably and struggling to get by.

-dont get roommates if you can help it. I know you will want to, and it will seem like a fun idea to live with your friends and like nothing would go wrong, but roommates ruin friendships. If you can afford to live on your own when you first head out, do it. Trust me, paying the full rent is worth not having to deal with other peoples bullshit taking up your living space. I learned this the hard way, dont be like me. The only people you should be actively looking to live with at the young adult stage of your life are any permanent partner(s) that might come along the way, and you should rush that either. And taking some proper time to be on your own will do you so much good in the long run in realizing what kind of person you are and what you need in things like work, relationships, life in general, etc.

-you don't need a brand new car, and your first apartment doesnt need to be high end and fancy. All your firsts for those things need to be are functional, safe, and reliable. And you will love them regardless if theyre your first car/apartment. And you dont really NEED a car if youre an urbanite with a reliable enough transit system, either. Thats more of an individual thing if thats your situation. I live in an older apartment building with a stove from a brand that doesnt even exist anymore, but its real spacious for one person, in a nice part of downtown where everythings still right outside my door, and all my utilities are included. I pay 500 dollars less in rent a month for this than my coworker who lives 2 blocks away from me and has half the space i do with none of the utilities included because its all smart tech and luxury suites in that building. You don't need all that, you will not notice the difference when you actually live there.

-no one cares about high school tier drama when you hit your college years, especially if you go to an academically-based school. In my experience at least, the schools the nerds end up at think the d&d club is the coolest one on campus. This will pass, you will be fine. The nerds really do inherit the earth after you graduate, and all those bullies really do peak in high school. The guy who was the worst offender towards me in high school now literally pumps gas for his dads gas station because nobody else would hire him. Which is fine, its honest work, but it IS a tad ironic how things worked out there after so many years of telling me he'd be my boss one day. Yeah sure, howd that work out bud

-please dont get into drugs and alcohol just to be cool. I know every adult has treated you like some porcelain doll to be handled with baby gloves regarding any sort of substance, but if you choose to partake in them, all i ask is that you be informed about the risks, you do it safely, and dont do it for social clout. Its not the substances im most concerned about there, its that when you do them for social approval, you dont know when to stop or how to listen to your body telling you thats enough, which is a straight shot to a potential addiction. Its your choice whether or not to consume drugs and/or alcohol, but its irresponsible to act like theres no real risk involved in them, especially if you have the kind of personality more susceptible to addiction. Do them for yourself, in safe environments, as cleanly as you can get them if possible, and only after you educate yourself about what the risks are and what resources there are in your area for healthcare and counseling if you do develop an addiction.

-be selfish, but dont be a dick. Your young adulthood is when you should be selfish in the sense of prioritizing your own mental health, work ascension/schooling, etc, but you can do all those things without being standoffish or disregarding other people in the process. You should be there for your loved ones if you can, but if you cant, give them the common courtesy of telling them. A simple "hey, id love to help you if i could, but i have too much going on right now to spare anything. But im always here to talk about it if you need it, ily and im wishing you all the best <3" is way better than "i cant help you right now, i have my own problems to deal with."

#some thoughts

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anzuhan · 2 months

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Hello! I'm new to your account but I just want to say your art is suuuuupper pretty! I want to know Anzu's lore, have you written it down anywhere or have discussed it with a previous ask yet?

hello, thank you and glad you asked 🫶 anzu never really speaks about anzu's lore because its overly complex and anzu wouldve wanted to save it for later for when anzu could actually pursue vtuber & idol activities, however its been 4 years and anzu still couldnt really. manage to do that. so anzu will talk about it now 👍 ^ _^)👍

anzu just hopes youre ready for a VERY long post (under cut because. otherwise itll be a post the length of do you like the color of the sky and dont wanna take up peoples dashes 😭)

so based on anzu's current design you'd probably think anzu is a vampire. which isnt entirely wrong but also. WRONG !! you see, anzu isn't from this world, universe, dimension, what have you. anzu comes from a very distant place in its own right that cannot exactly be entered, not even by anzu anymore due to how anzu was exiled from it. 'us' that live there are not entirely a species that is documented by the ones here, so anzu cant exactly tell you what anzu is, but the closest word to it of the inhabitants of this world would be probably close enough to shapeshifter; anzu doesnt exactly fit all characteristics of one, but that is still the best word youve all got for it ! anzu in a way also works like a candle, though anzu isnt made from wax or anything of the like (´ﾉω；`) anzu's insides are hollow and anzu's 'life' is given by a flame inside of anzu's body. it is closer enough to the fire that exists in this world, but also not entirely due to how it can hardly go out. back in anzu's 'world' we all lived under something close to a high governance of 'elders', but anzu would also compare it close to what people tend to call cults here. anzu did not like it, and though its painted as bad to be kicked out of that realm, anzu is kind of happy to have gone out ☆

anzu was also lucky enough to come across another of anzu's kind in the first world anzu was thrown into after the exile that could teach anzu how everything works. we are not exactly built for battle, though maybe sadly for anzu, anzu loves combat </3 our kind can go through dimensions, time and space at will, so we do not exactly age the same as humans. anzu could be 99308 one day and then 193993 the next one ! if anzu did some time skips or dimension skips or what have you. anzu has also given up trying to keep track of anzu's age, though last time anzu's checked, it was around 102000s (this may become invalid even by tomorrow)

the way we see things are as all stories, tales and also things far unknown beyond your imagination are their own dimension; dimensions are split into timelines; there is always a main timeline that shouldnt be interfered with, the one that you may call 'the one with the given fate', where all things go as they should, whether that be bad or not. and then after this one, theres thousands of subtimelines where minor changes have happened in everyones lives; anzu is free to go and disrupt those with anzu's own ideas of how things shouldve went~ truth to be told, anzu tends to become attached a ton to the ones that have sealed fates that cannot be changed.. well. almost, until anzu'd come in, of course ! and sometimes anzu cant help it but want to interfere. to how dimensions also work, a copy of every single person existing in said dimension exists in every copy of the main timeline; though, because anzu does not belong to any dimensions anzu goes thru, there can only be one anzu at a time anywhere.

anzu, across time and looking over all tons of different universes, has fallen in love with idols in each and every one of them. so anzu's quest is to end up becoming an idol in every dimension anzu goes to ! all different looks of anzu you see also tend to be so that anzu can fit in better here or there ... though despite anzu's spent so long among humans from so many different dimensions, anzu still struggles to understand some pretty simple things sometimes. either way, because anzu wants to be not only just any kind of idol but a cosplayer idol as well (i.e like fuyume hanamura from enst), its also good to have huge variety, right? ♡

this is what anzu looks like normally, anzu usually refers to this as 'default' or just 'sumika', given that was the name anzu chose when anzu had come onto a dimension outside of anzu's own. you may see it from time to time, and they may not always look identical but anzu thinks its pretty usual to spot in most drawings whenever it is the 'default' !

among the usual white holographic hair and the usual characteristics, anzu's also had blonde hair for a while ... anzu does not really like to act as an idol like this, but anzu does that.. sometimes ! and for the blonde times, it was more a case of spicing things up.. ?

those are also just a very small portion of what anzu's 'default' looks like. below is a much much larger strip of looks, though not updated.

okay ! now that we've established that that is, what a normal person would probably call anzu's 'natural' look, next are two charts of anzu's looks anzu used to use and that anzu still uses sometimes ! you see there far more often than the default, due to the fact that anzu prefers to perform idol work and activities through them. the default from before is more of a personal and casual thing(＞＜*)ノ~~~~~

(x next to the name means they do not get used anymore; checkmark means they still get used; the time below the name in paranthesis refers to when they were initially active)

though they all have a bit of a different personality and characteristics, theyre still all anzu ! anzu is anzu no matter what anzu looks like, so please dont forget that☆ if you wish to know more about any in particular, or want to see more art of either, feel free to send a further ask about it ! theres tons of arts of every single one of them.

anzu had also not described every single little thing about anzu's backstory or things anzu is capable of, tales of things thatve happened in this or that time/space/dimension/etc ; so if you have anymore questions about any and all of them please ask as well ! anzu is happy if youre interested in anzu♡

#the anzu rambles #anzu :)

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