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writingindulgence · 3 years

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Illumi x F.Reader - Expectation

Pairing: Illumi x Female Reader

Story tags: Arranged marriage, typical Zoldyck behaviour, angst-ish, heavy manipulation, ILLUMI, unhealthy one-sided dependence : ) my guy just toxic

3,200+ words and why? I don’t even like the dude. Also, two points of view.

The sound of fancy porcelain tea cups clinking against the glass table is soothing, along with the warm rays shining on your face. Times like these are what you are thankful for. The smell of purposely picked flowers, arranged to please the eyes. Not the stench of trash dumped for the sole convenience of other countries. Colourful butterflies and bees, instead of flies and disease ridden rats. A home cooked meal ready for your consumption rather than scraps of rotting food that you more often than not nearly died for.

Kukuroo mountain is infinitely more beautiful compared to Meteor City.

“(Y/n) dear, it’s unbecoming of you to make noise with your tableware,” a powerful feminine voice chastates your mistake. The woman sitting opposite you is none other than Kikyo Zoldyck. Or as she forces you to call her, mother.

Your heart flutters in relief, an apologetic expression weaving onto your face. She must be in an agreeable mood since her fan hasn’t struck your hand. Sometimes you are let off with a warning if she spots a blunder on your part. Sometimes, she resorts to physical punishment. It always depends on whether or not a family member said anything to ruin her day. In fact, any matter concerning Killua will set her off in a positive or negative direction.

Just like Illumi whenever you bring up his younger brother.

“I apologise mother, I’m too excited because Illumi is returning,” you proceed to take a sip and this time around, gently settle the tea cup down.

A content hum comes from her direction, her visor flashing for a split second. “Oh (Y/n), you’ll make such a good wife one day.” She picks up a fork gracefully and stabs it into the cake she asked for from the family cook.

The compliment ignites a multitude of feelings in your chest. It spreads out, only one thought in your mind.

How immensely grateful and happy you are to hear it.

Many of your friends from when you were young, starved to death. Some were beaten up by other desperate residents. Others lost their will to fight, a state you threaded on a magnitude of times.

Being taken away by the mafia one day was what gave you back the spark, a life in the city no more out of your reach. Until you figured out what type of work they wanted to sell you and other kids for. Stories from the older girls back in Meteor City came rushing back.

Your bloodlust and instinct to survive are what happened to change your life for the better. Out of all the line-up of children, you were selected by the Zoldycks. Instead of being the pet of some old pervert, you found a home within the assassin family.

There were many times when you felt like giving up. When the training you went through was worse than simply dying. However, you promised yourself to never throw away the chance you received all those years back.

You were indebted to the Zoldycks.

Hearing words of encouragement from one of the people you looked up to the most brought tears to your eyes. You wiped them away with your thumb.

Mother is a role model to you. It helped when you found out that she originates from Meteor City too. In a sense, it is easier to place yourself in her shoes and strive to achieve what she did. Being an amazing assassin, wife and mother.

A sudden scraping of a chair brought you back to the presence, startling you into a defensive pose. The knife under your sundress clasped in your hand.

Out of the corner of your eye you notice Kalluto coming out from behind the bushes, his paper fan also ready for action.

“My Kil, what is he doing?! Quick, we have to stop him. Kalluto go call for Milluki right now!,” she orders shrilly before running into the mansion.

Without hesitation, you rush after her. It is expected of you. A nagging feeling in the back of your head also foreshadows that whatever is going on, it will have dire consequences if not stopped.

Killua is in the foyer, being kept idle by the servants. But not for long. You can see the irritation growing on his face, his muscles tensed.

You’ve known Killua since he was a baby, having been inducted as a future family member when mother was pregnant with him. There’s no doubt that if something wasn’t done, it would lead to a messy aftermath.

A few seconds after you make it inside, Milluki shows up and the servants are all dismissed.

“Kil, my little Kil, what’s wrong? Why did I hear that you’re leaving to take the Hunter’s Exam?,” mother’s voice is aghast, the idea of her favourite child abandoning the nest filling her with pain.

You too are taken aback at the news, a protective sensation coursing through you. Your fingers flex at your side.

“It’s boring here and I heard that the Exam is difficult so I’m going to test my skill,” he shrugs her worry off and spins his skateboard. Your heart begins to pound uncontrollably.

Hearing the disrespect, Milluki steps up and lashes out at Killua. “You brat, what’s with that arrogant attitude you-,”

“Stop that!,” mother’s voice sharply cuts him down.

She begins pleading with Killua to stay, her voice cracking multiple times. It pains you to watch someone you respect growing so desperate.

Killua is too young to understand what he’s putting the ones around him through. Of course, a rebellious phase is healthy-

A prickly discomfort surges through your head and you clutch it. Your unexpected movement grabs everyone’s attention. You try to brush it off, not wishing to be a burden.

It isn’t expected of you to be one.

“Killua, you should stay here. The world is a dangerous place,” your words try to reach him. “Illumi is coming home today, why don’t we-”,

“I don’t want him around! Just leave me alone,” he angrily interrupts. The air grows heavy. Heavier than it’s been since the beginning.

Mother gasps in shock at his behaviour since Killua never really yells at you. Yes, he gets annoyed as much as any other kid but when he shouts, he doesn’t really mean it.

It’s expected of you to coerce him into calming down.

“You’ve changed during the past few weeks (Y/n), after Illumi came back before leaving again. Anyway, I will kill you all if you try to stop me,” Killua promises in a cold voice, his blue eyes a piercing ice.

This rouses an onslaught of insults from Milluki and a mix of agony and happiness from mother.

However, you’re currently stuck in your own mind, reflecting on Killua’s comment. It is true that during the past three weeks you doted on him more than ever before. Usually you try to split your attention between him and Kalluto when you have free time. What changed?

Nothing should have changed, Killua is the priority of the family.

A high-pitched scream echoes around the foyer and your clouded head awakens. The sight in front of you freezes your blood and it takes immense strength not to bite your tongue.

Mother is kneeling down on the ground, her hands covering her bloody face. Before you can take a step, Milluki rages and charges at Killua. The young boy bounces back and proceeds to plunge the knife into his older brother. Milluki curses and grabs his wound.

On impulse, your hand is already equipped with a knife and you’re ready to protect yourself as well as mother Killua.

Killua mistakes your movements as an attack and strikes his own knife across your arm. A long gash appears on your skin, the blood seeping out moments later. You take in the pain as punishment. Punishment for letting it get this far and failing.

You’re a failure.Failure.Failure.Failure.Failure.Failure.Failure.Failure.Failure.

Taking the chance to escape, he kicks his skateboard up and runs out.

And you were helpless to stop him.

It’s been a while since Illumi has been back home on Kukuroo mountain, his previous mission requiring him to travel across multiple locations. The target was a cautious person so they moved from place to place, leaving lousy decoys. That did not impede Illumi at all, it was simply an inconvenience at worst.

After all, nervous-wrecks are the ones who put their emotions out on display. They are the first to slip up due to the fact that they care about others.

Which is concerning because Killua is at a stage where he is showing his rebellious streak more often. It is crucial that he can snuff it out before his dear brother falls further down the slope of idiotic fantasies . In which case, it is a slight relief that (Y/n) is here. She tries to keep Killua in check in a subtle way instead of hanging over his shoulder or perpetuating his moody behaviour.

Though the last time he visited there were hints of her growing soft and losing her devotion of raising Killua to be the next head of the family. He is ashamed to confess that it irked him to some degree. It’s expected of her to put her desires down for what he wants. And he wants Killua to be the next head.

Even so, he thought that he dealt with this the last time.

However, imagine the surprise he felt when his mother came wailing to him, begging him to follow her little Kil to the Hunter’s Exam. To think that instead of a joyful family reunion, the news of his stray younger brother reached his ears before anything else.

That won’t do.

Currently, it’s close to midnight which is the time (Y/n) comes to his room to say goodnight. Why she even bothers is beyond him. The effort of keeping up with formalities could be used for better activities. It’s already indisputable that they are arranged to marry in the future at the request of his parents, so there is no reason to be close together in any romantic sense.

In fact, Killua will succeed as the head which is why there is no point in thinking about his own future.

A sigh leaves his mouth.

There is only one positive outcome that came out of this whole arrangement. He has an extra set of eyes and he’s sure that she will listen to him without question. All he has to do is play into these formalities and she’s wrapped around his finger.

An affectionate hug here, a tiny smile there...Normally he’d be concerned that a future Zoldyck , even if not by blood, would be so easy to deceive. However, since every carefully planned step is coming from him he’s not surprised in the slightest.

It’s expected of (Y/n) to be loyal, just as much as it’s expected for Killua to take over the family business.

The wooden clock hanging opposite his bed strikes 12 but there is no sign of (Y/n). She never runs late.

The fact that she hadn’t even greeted him when he came back is also unusual. Normally she’d be pacing in front of the entrance door but today his mother took over that role. He heard that she got injured by Killua but (Y/n) has experienced worse so what’s the fuss?

It’s not his problem, he’ll just take a bath before bed. She’ll come running eventually.

Illumi’s right arm is beginning to grow numb. He hasn’t moved from the water in over an hour. Not because he needed a break to relax, taking time off for yourself is inefficient. No, he hasn’t moved because he’s been waiting for the familiar steps and hesitant knock to come from outside his room.

Discerning who someone is from the sound of their footsteps and how they carry themselves is second nature to any professional assassin. For instance, Milluki hovers in one spot when walking while Kalluto creates soft patters with his toes.

On the other hand, (Y/n) always shuffles her feet forward just before his door. It takes her approximately 2 seconds to knock when she’s unsure, 1 second when she’s in a normal mood and 0.5 whenever she has news deemed worthy enough for him to hear. Reading the mood of someone before they see you face to face is important.

Coming to terms with the fact that today she won’t pay him a visit, he steps out of the bathtub, water dripping down his naked body. He throws on a plain black bathrobe and leaves the bathroom. Giving his bed a quick-over, he walks out the door.

Guess it’s time for him to pay a visit instead.

If he actually bothers and gives it some thought, it’s not a mystery as to why he hasn’t even seen her shadow today. She’s ashamed. Ashamed of being a failure for letting Killua go.

Her scrambled mind is most likely trying to piece together what she should say. How she should ask for forgiveness and repent.

He wonders if she’s starving herself or if she’s contemplating about going to the self-confinement room.

Normally he’d push her into whatever she makes up but a stick approach by itself won’t be enough. There needs to be a push and pull factor involved if he wants her to listen to him unconditionally.

And what better way than to appear before her, disheveled and still wet in his robe? She’ll jump to conclusions.

Further guilt will set in, how she unnecessarily worried him by skipping the usual goodnight. His state will continue feeding her imagination, connecting unrelated dots to make her believe that he cares for her.

Truly, a puppet and its real master.

Soaking footprints follow behind him on the floor, the dim candlelight making them difficult to notice. He knocks once before letting himself in and shutting the door, back turned to the only other person inside.

A small gasp penetrates the silence and a rush of steps follow suit, stopping just behind him.

“Illumi, welcome back,” (Y/n) is the first to speak. He stays silent.

A nervous shuffle. “Is..everything okay?”.

The voice quietens downs the more she speaks. That should be enough for now.

He turns around and looks down at her concerned face, with no emotion of his own. Her eyes widen a fraction after registering his condition. Before she can open her mouth to question him further, Illumi crinkles his eyes and smiles.

“It’s nothing. I was just worried since I didn’t see you today,” he gazes away, giving her enough time to fix her expression. It’ll be harder for him to get her to open up if she thinks that he sees through her lack of control.

“I missed you too-,”

Presumptuous to think that he missed her.

“-and I’m sorry for not saying anything. I just…,” she stops right before confessing her shortcoming.

He doesn’t provide her with any more time to compose herself, a full day is already generous. Grabbing the door handle he gives it a slight tug but her hand shuts it and pulls his sleeve. That’s new. (Y/n) rarely takes the initiative.

He allows her to drag him over to the bed, slightly curious about her next move. Is she trying to entertain him as an apology or simply trying to put distance between him and the door?

Both tactics aren’t half bad when it comes to simple targets.

He sits down on the covers and analyses her.

A long white nightdress, face ready for bed, barefoot, and a long knife wound going up her arm.

A shred of pride for Killua’s work passes through his head but he doesn’t showcase this. If by any chance she spotted the look, it would demolish the picture he wants to paint.

(Y/n) kneels down in front of him and takes his hand into hers. It’s warm, though not as soft as it used to be. Her breasts rest atop his knees.

His attention migrates from the sudden action to her face, looking for answers. He made sure that she will only expect affection coming from him, not the other way around. It would be too tiring to keep up a loving demeanour- no, scratch that. It wouldn’t be tiring but the expectations would eventually rise and it would result in less time spent on bringing up Killua.

Oh, he zoned out.

(Y/n)’s eyes are full of regret and desperation, the hand holding his trembling just enough to tell him that today’s event is eating at her. Is she waiting for him to say something?

Finally after what feels like an unprecedented amount of time, the scene unfolds.

Her smaller hand pulls his to her face and rests it against her cheek. The second his skin touches hers, he detects slight heat radiating. She must have not treated the cut. The knife was probably dirty too, Killua slacks off in that regard.

“I’m sorry for being a failure, I’m very sorry Illumi. I have no excuse,” the apology flows out of her mouth, bottom lip quivering. The pain of looking at someone she disappointed forces her eyes to shut close. Her free hand latches onto his thigh and she digs in before continuing.

“You can slash my other arm as punishment. Or hang me upside down in the self-containment room,” she throws out. “But please, please don’t give up on me. I can do better Illumi”.

And as if to prove how determined she is, her eyes open up again, staring deeply into his own. Unwavering. Confident.

Though the thumb that he has under her jaw gave the hammering pulse away.

1,2,3. 1,2. 1,2,3.

He stretched out the silence, pretending to ponder over his answer. The unsettling emotions influencing her thoughts will prove beneficial when he flips her assumption around.

He removes his hand from her cheek and moves the one on his thigh to her side. (Y/n) adopts a look of relief, believing that he agreed to her conditions of punishment. What he’s about to do is infinitely more cruel though.

She catches her breath when he follows her example and kneels in front of her. He pulls up the sleeve of her nightdress that’s slipping down before grabbing her shoulders, gently.

“How can I not give up on you when you give up on yourself,” he lectures her, peeking down at her wound. Make the target question their actions.

An expression of remorse adorns her face, a downward tug of the mouth.

He pulls her in, arms encircling and resting on her lower back. The material of the nightdress is light enough for him to make out the feeling of skin.

“Though I won’t give up on you.” Affirmation and a moment of reassurance.

One of his hands travels deliberately slowly up to her neck. It rests on the back of her head, fingers entangled in her hair. Illumi locates the present that he left her the last time he visited and pushes it back into her head. It has moved slightly out.

This prompts (Y/n) to hug him in response, her previously hanging arms now resting comfortably around him. Good, as for the finishing line.

“Though your failure is a disappointment, I know that you will not repeat the same mistake, because you

love me, right?”.

Her head moves to rest between the crook of his neck, nodding in agreement. She doesn’t ask him if he loves her.

It’s expected of her not to.

#illumi zoldyck #illumi x reader #illumi zoldyck x reader #hunter x hunter fanfiction #hunter x hunter #This took 2 long but now I can focus on other things yay

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randomposterofstuff · 3 years

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What are the chances that Levi is the husband?

So, we’ve heard about the alleged leaks regarding the additional pages of AOT’s Chapter 139. And according to Zekken, Mikasa's future husband looks like Jean Kirstein from the back.

Screenshot taken from Twitter.

Now, Zekken has personally stated that they are not sure about the authenticity of these leaks. But for the sake of this post, I shall assume that they are confirmed and accurate.

So, going back to the main point. My biased RivaMika-shipping mind can't help but think that Levi may be Mikasa's future husband. I've already made my bias clear. Haha. Nonetheless, I’d still like to explain why I think that it’s possible:

1. Based on how Zekken phrased their statement, the face of the husband was not directly shown. In fact, Zekken merely guessed that it was Jean based on what he looks like from the back.

2. It's possible that the husband's identity is not going to be revealed and that it is going to be open to interpretation. This might be another open-ended subject matter.

3. Based on Chapter 139, it would appear that Jean has become open to the idea of seeking out women other than Mikasa.

Image taken from Chapter 139 of the Shingeki No Kyojin manga.

4. Mikasa has more common ground with Levi than Jean.

- I know that two people can establish a stable relationship even if they don't have much in common. However, it would be easier for Mikasa to connect and relate with Levi than with Jean. The two Ackermans parallel each other in many ways. A few examples include the following:

a. They both lost their biological parents in tragic manners. Mikasa’s parents were killed by traffickers before her own eyes, while Levi witnessed his mother slowly die from a disease.

b. They both have great empathy for the vulnerable and weak because they understand what it’s like to feel that way. Mikasa was helpless, traumatized, and scared during her brief episode of captivity. As for Levi, before Kenny had found him, he was in a malnourished and weakened state ever since losing his mother.

One instance where Mikasa exhibited her empathy was during the Struggle for Torst. During this time, Reeves refused to let the defenseless citizens of Trost pass through the entrance to the safer territory until his own merchandise got there safely. Upon seeing this, Mikasa beat his guards and threatened him with violence so that he would allow the exposed inhabitants to enter first.

Levi's empathetic side was shown when he actively supported Historia in her plan of establishing an orphanage for the children of the Underground City. Having lived there for most of his life, Levi knew how difficult life was in the Underground and knew that the orphanage would give the children better lives and opportunities.

c. They both made impossibly difficult sacrifices for the sake of humanity. Mikasa made the great sacrifice of killing Eren because she knew that it was the only way to save the rest of humanity. In Levi’s case, he was left with no other choice but to slaughter his own comrades when Zeke transformed them into Titans. This was especially difficult for the squad captain because he greatly valued the lives and welfare of his fellow soldiers.

5. I also think that the foundations of Mikasa and Levi’s current relationship in the series will more likely lead to a strong and romantic connection between them. I’ve already made several analyses on the dynamics of their relationship. And if you’re interested, you can read them here:

On the Foundations of Levi and Mikasa’s Relationship

An in-depth analysis of Mikasa’s character development in relation to Eren and Levi

On the change of dynamics of Mikasa’s relationships with Eren and Levi

6. In contrast, for the better part of the series, Mikasa seemed to regard Jean only as a friend and a comrade. While she does care for him, I have not seen any profound interactions between them suggesting that Mikasa views him in a unique manner. Concerning Levi, Mikasa had great faith and trust in him. As a matter of fact, when Jean and the others expressed doubts and reservations during the Uprising Arc, Mikasa plainly told them that trusting Levi was their best option for survival.

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At this juncture, I would also like to expound and emphasize more on item No. 1, as mentioned above. Haha. Now, it was said that from the back, the husband appears to be Jean. Well, let’s take a look at what Jean looks like.

Left: Jean during the pre-Marley arcs. Right: Jean during the Marley and subsequent arcs.

During the pre-Marley Arc, Jean has short hair with an undercut. And during the Marley arc and after the war, his hair became longer, but he still maintained an undercut. But, Pieck has pointed out that Jean is concerned about how his hair looks, and he was also shown to be fussing with his long hair. So, maybe it’s possible that some time after, he would revert to his old haircut.

Jean fussing about his hair after the war. Image taken from Chapter 139 of the Shingeki no Kyojin manga.

On this, who else do we know sports an undercut?👀

Top image: Levi during the pre-Marley arcs. Bottom image: Levi after the war.

Now, I know that I’m just reaching and grasping at straws at this point. Hahaha. I guess I’m just really a die-hard RivaMika shipper at this point in time. If JeanKasa does become canon, I may or may not come to like or even love it with time. But as of now, Levi is the only character that I ship Mikasa with.

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Final Note: These are just some speculations and thoughts on my part. Regardless of what happens, RivaMika will always be a valid and respectable ship with a lot of potential in my eyes. Anyway, that’s all for now!

#rivamika #levi ackerman #mikasa ackerman #levimika #levi x mikasa #jean kirstein #jean kirschtien #jeankasa #aot #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #snk #snk spoilers

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mornyavie · 4 years

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Glossary of references in The Bifrost Incident

It’s Very Long and yet also not really complete. If there are any questions / clarifications I can add, or I’ve messed anything up and need to fix it, let me know!

The tl;dr is that nearly every word in the album draws from either Norse mythology or the Lovecraft / Cthulhu mythos, directly or indirectly.

@moony221b here’s that glossary that I promised forever and a day ago.

Edit: I decided to create this document of annotations (x). Lyrics taken from Genius; I’m not totally sure how accurate they are, but hopefully they help get the point across! Again, questions and complaints both welcome.

Arcomba

I can’t find anything on this, would be interested if someone knows.

Asgard

One of the Nine Worlds, specifically the one where most of the Æsir (the subset of gods most associated with humans, including the well-known ones like Thor and Odin) live.

Thus Asgard is the planet on which the most powerful inhabitants of the Yggdrasil system, and those named after the gods, are found (though the subjugation / colonization relationship does not exist in myth).

Azathoth

This one’s from Lovecraft; Azathoth is the greatest of the Outer Gods, often served and worshiped by other gods themselves. Often described as mad, a demon, a sultan, or putting it all together as the Mad Demon Sultan. Resides at “the center of the universe,” where he appears as some sort of vast, amorphous, bubbling, roiling mass of “nuclear chaos.” (Nuclear probably refers to center, not nuclear power, which didn’t really exist when this was written). Servants about him play drums and flutes.

Mentioned briefly as the train travels through the Bifrost and into his realm, and a lot of the narration in those few verses draws directly from Lovecraft’s descriptions.

Baldur

The god of light and beloved by all, Baldr was killed by Loki in his final betrayal of the gods. After the murder Loki was tracked down and imprisoned, and will escape at the start of Ragnarok. In particular, Loki used a spear made of mistletoe... or, in the album, missile two. And tricked another god into throwing it, which I think is mimicked in the distance and impersonality of the crime. Look up more of his story if you want, it’s interesting and important, but that’s the relevant info here.

Bifrost

The rainbow bridge that the gods use to travel between worlds.

Which is, of course, directly analogous to the wormhole-ish extradimensional-ish space of “shifting, undulating hues” through which the train travels.

Edda

The Prose Edda and the Poetic Edda are the names given to two pieces of literature that are most people’s main source for Norse mythology. The Prose Edda was written by Snorri Sturluson around 1200 to teach his (mostly Christian) contemporaries about the mythology and mythological references that made up a big chunk of Norse literature. The Poetic Edda is a set of poems that serve as a major source for Norse tales.

This is partially just a way to connect our hero Lyfrassir Edda to the Norse traditions, but also definitely a reference to their (presumed) role as the main “recorder” and source of information to get out of the Yggdrasil system.

Fate

Honestly the way the Mechanisms deal with fate in general is very interesting and arguably sometimes quite Nordic... but in particular, Bifrost Incident references fate or destiny a number of times and features a number of situations where the outcome is fixed and can’t be changed, but you have to fight anyways: “Killing me won’t save your world” “I don’t care” or how Loki and Sigyn can’t stop the train, but can only delay it. A lot of Norse tragedy revolves around people heading into battle knowing that they’re doomed and fighting anyways, or around the cycle of conflict that marked the cultural requirements for avenging insults. And the myth cycle is notable for the fact that the gods know, explicitly, exactly what Ragnarok is, what’s going to happen, and how they’re going to die, but will fight in it anyways.

Inevitability and helplessness in the face of what you can’t possibly understand, let alone fight, which is a depiction slightly sideways of the Nordic version, are very Lovecraftian themes.

Fenrir

A wolf, child of Loki and father of Skoll and Hati, who was chained by the gods (particularly by Tyr, who placed his hand in the wolf’s mouth as “hostage” to assure him they would unchain him later, and lost the hand). He will break free at Ragnarok to join the battle against them and kill Odin.

With his association with monsters and with Loki, it’s fairly clear why he was aligned with the resistance movement. He’s serving “five life sentences” as a reference to his being chained, and the whole motif of the train’s journey being hijacked for a prison break certainly references the various characters who will be freed or break free as Ragnarok begins.

Frey

The brief reference of Frey being killed by the raging fire of the sun, with “no weapon, no defense,” is a direct translation of the god’s role in Ragnarok, when he will be killed by Surtr. Frey gave away his sword for the opportunity to woo his eventual wife, and so will be armed only with a stag’s antlers in his final combat. Also called Freyr.

Freya (“weeps tears of red-gold”)

Like her brother Frey (and yeah, these names get confusing), Freya is associated with harvest and fertility, though unlike him she also gets battle. In the song she weeps red-gold tears at the death of her husband Odr, which in myth she is said to do when her husband is absent. Also called Freyja.

Garm

Garm is another wolf, who guards Hel’s gates. He also breaks free at Ragnarok, and his howling heralds its coming. As in the album, he will fight and kill Tyr. Also called Garmr.

Hati

There’s a lot of wolves in Norse mythology. This one is a child of Fenrir. He chases the moon across the sky, and will swallow it when Ragnarok comes.

Mentioned briefly only as one of the resistance members on the train.

Heimdall

Heimdall is the watchman of the gods, with keen eyes and foresight, and guards the Bifrost as the entrance to Asgard. He will blow his horn to summon the gods to the final battle during Ragnarok, and he and Loki will kill one another. Also called Heimdallr; you’re probably noticing a pattern. It’s a grammar thing.

Mentioned as guarding the train and “doing his part.” His dying screams initiate the train’s destruction and echo throughout it, which presumably recalls the horn thing.

Hel

Another daughter of Loki, and, as the name will imply to English speakers, a guardian of the dead. She refuses to give Baldur back to the world of the living after Loki kills him. Also the name of the realm in which she resides, and to which go those who die of disease or old age. Doesn’t necessarily have the same bad-punishment connotation as modern Hell. I don’t know whether there’s any indication of what she herself is doing in Ragnarok, but many of her people and associates are certainly fighting against the gods, and I’m fairly certain the ship Naglfar, which carries Loki and his allies to Ragnarok, sets sail from Hel.

Hel as a prison colony clearly references the various characters the gods have chained or otherwise imprisoned (though, in myth, not all within Hel) as well as her alignment with “other side” during Ragnarok, and the jailbreak the resistance members are planning recalls the breaking of all these bonds as Ragnarok begins.

Hoddmimis

The woods in which Líf and Lífþrasir (see Lyfrassir) will shelter to survive Ragnarok and the various disasters accompanying it.

So, good news! We can be marginally assured of Lyfrassir’s survival after taking shelter at the mining-colony of Hoddmimis.

Jormungandr

The world serpent, which lives in the seas and encircles the earth. Will arise during Ragnarok, causing great floods, and fight Thor; Thor will slay the serpent, but in turn the serpent’s poison will cause his death, after he staggers “nine steps back.”

Thor’s fight with Odin-turned-serpent is pretty clearly analogous to this, especially the taking nine steps to the window before destroying it with his hammer, resulting in both their deaths. I don’t think there’s any mythological basis to Odin turning into the serpent, though

Kvasir (“blood drained out”)

Kvasir was a very wise man/god and the originator of poetry. I’m leaving out a fair amount of his birth and life; the important information here is that two dwarves who were jealous of his knowledge tricked him, killed him, drained his blood, and mixed it with honey to make mead. Any who drank of the mead gained the gift of poetry / scholarship; eventually the gods stole it.

I’m not sure if there’s a reason they decided to specifically describe him as a resistance member, but there’s a clear parallel in Kvasir’s blood being drained and used to power the train, especially with the language of glyphs and sigils providing power.

Loki

Ah, Loki. Male in the general canon, though not without genderbending (he turns into a mare and gives birth to Fenrir, Hel, and Jormungandr, for instance). Inasmuch as the Norse myths we have can be organized into a “chronology,” you could do it (in my opinion) along Loki’s path from a mostly benevolent trickster god whose antics occasionally cause trouble to a genuinely malevolent figure. Associated with wit, magic, and trickery. Despite how modern lore (I suspect influenced by Marvel) often portrays Thor and Loki as brothers and children of Odin, in the myth Loki and Odin are bonded as blood-brothers. But Loki also often appears alongside Thor. As mentioned, parent of three of the main figures of Ragnarok. In the “final” myth, he jealously arranges the death of the god Baldr, who was loved by all; then he appears at a feast, where he exchanges insults with the other gods. This is the last straw; they capture him and chain him to a stone, over which they tie a serpent. Venom drips from the serpent’s fangs, causing him great agony. His wife Sigyn stays by his side, catching the venom in a bowl, but when she is forced to leave for a moment to dump it out his thrashing causes earthquakes. He will break free at the start of Ragnarok and sail to Asgard, where he and Heimdall will kill each other.

Hopefully that’s enough to give you a good background for Loki’s role in the album... it’s pretty clear why she’s framed as the opposition to the gods and the “leader” of the resistance movement, as a call to her role in Ragnarok. Her association with magic and trickery make sense for her being the “expert” in the twisted Lovecraftian “science” that produces the train. It also parallels her role in myth; her actions often get the gods into trouble, but they just as often need her wit and knowledge to get them out of it, as Odin needs her knowledge despite her taking action to destroy the train. And the setup at the end - drip, drip, drip, her face twisted in pain, her wife beside her, her “release” heralding the end of the world - precisely echoes the language of her bondage in myth; though her mind-destroying imprisonment by Odin also invokes this.

Lovecraft(ian)

A highly influential horror writer from the early 20th century. He’s largely credited with the creation of the creation of the “cosmic horror” genre, a type of horror which emphasises a vast, unknowable, uncaring universe against which we cannot hope to even begin to fight. His ideas and the gods / demons / creatures he created form the basis of the “Cthulhu mythos” or even “Lovecraft mythos,” which today is a sort of standard set of assumptions on which writers can build. Lovecraftian themes of apocalypse, inevitability, and powerlessness are highly prevalent in the album. Several of the gods in this mythos are used; in particular, Yog-Sothoth (see below). Also, a lot of the general description (madness, roiling chaos, undulating colors) draws from his distinctive vocabulary that remains staple of the genre. It’s worth noting that Lovecraft was a horrible and very racist person, but the genre today is widely used by people who are not terrible.

Lyfrassir

Líf and Lífþrasir in Norse mythology are the two humans who will survive Ragnarok and rebuild humanity; a hopeful sign for our album’s protagonist!

Midgard

In Norse mythology, the “middle” world where humans live. Earth.

Nagthrod

I don’t know this one.

@acorn-mushroom pointed out that it may be a mis-transcription of Naglfar, the name of the (ocean) ship which will carry Loki and his followers from the shores of Hel to the battlefield at Ragnarok. It’s made of dead men’s nails.

Odin

The king of the gods in Norse mythology. As the god of both wisdom and madness, Odin’s role in the album as a researcher and technological ruler whose discoveries drive her slowly mad is both very Lovecraftian and a reasonable leap. I could say a lot about the figure of Odin, but I think this character is one of the most divergent from the myth, in detail if not in role.

Odr

Óðr is Freya’s husband.

Outer gods

A Lovecraft thing referring to several of the most horrible and powerful gods, including Yog-Sothoth.

Ragnarok

The apocalypse, basically, in Norse mythology. Proceeded by various catastrophes, especially a very long winter, mentioned in the album, culminating in a great battle between the gods and their enemies, and resulting in the death of the majority of gods and other creatures of the world.

Ratatosk

A squirrel who runs up and down Yggdrasil, carrying messages between some of the tree’s other inhabitants and sowing discord. The Ratatosk Express links the worlds of the Yggdrasil System, and causes “discord” in the resistance’s opposition to it.

Sigyn

Loki’s wife. See Loki for her role in his imprisonment.

Skoll

Sköll in Norse mythology is the wolf that chases and will someday eat the sun. Association with Fenrir (another wolf) and other monsters motivates his inclusion in the list of resistance members.

Thor

A Norse god, associated with war, lightning/thunder, strength, and in general sort of... common people, as opposed to Odin’s association with kings and royalty. Prone to anger, which makes sense with his depiction as a volatile military leader in the album. He is heavily associated with his hammer mjölnir, hence jokes about “throwing a hammer in the works” and whatnot. Often associates with Loki, both as friends and as enemies as Loki progresses from a mostly-harmless trickster to actively opposing the other gods; thus how in the album he and Loki were once friends. See above for his death fighting Jormungandr.

Tyr

Another Norse god associated with war. He sacrificed a hand to bind Fenrir, and will be killed by Garmr during Ragnarok, both events referenced in the album.

Yggdrasil

The world-tree of Norse mythology, which supports the nine worlds of the cosmology.

Yog-Sothoth

An Outer God of Lovecraftian mythos; also called the Gate and Key. It is associated as sort of the substance of time and space, binding together the cosmos. A lot of the description during the Ragnarok sequences draws directly from the “canonical” descriptions of this deity, and the invocation spoken by Lyfrassir in Red Signal draws from a story about this creature, The Case of Charles Dexter Ward.

#the mechanisms #the bifrost incident #information #references #thoughts #norse mythology

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lunaticpuppetmaster · 3 years

Photo

My contribute for Konoha Simps server collab!

Trying to do both drabble and an art was a poor decidion as i am a lil bit late.

Special Thanks to @pfreadsandwrites who beta-readed this drabble!

Title: Lost and Found.

Pairing: Kiba Inuzuka x OC (Tsubasa Yuki)

Summary: Everyone knows that everything you lose will end up in your soulmates possesions. Some people go crazy trying to find their destined one with practically no information. Tsubasa was never interested in finding hers and there is a chance she would never be able to.

Warnings: Angst, mentions of death, hurt/comfort

Word count: 6907

When the first symptoms of the family curse appeared, Tsubasa already knew she was doomed. The sickness was rare and there wasn’t much information about it in the Yuki clan library even before the genocide, while after it… well, no information survived. To be honest she did not have much hope at the beginning when her ice-natured chakra just only started to act like a parasite, eating her body and breaking thin bones.

But her sensei had. Mei had always been protective of her pupils, acting like a big sister even after the trio passed the chunin exam. So, when the worst happened, she used all her resources in order to save one of them. Unfortunately, even Kirigakure medics famous for their body knowledge were unsuccessful. The only hope was the best medic alive, Tsunade-hime herself.

Tsubasa did not know how she convinced Tsunade to help or what she promised to her (probably rare Kiri herbs), but the sannin agreed to work on her case. She didn’t promise a cure. To the girl’s pleasure, unlike her sensei, the 5th hokage was rational and she stated right from the start that the chances of recovery were very low and more likely she would just extend the Yuki girl’s agony. It was hurtful, but honest. Tsubasa always respected honesty… and her sensei. She had no other choice, but to promise Mei that she will fight till the end even though she did not want to.

“Maybe you will find your soulmate there,”- said Mei before her departure.

Mei was one of those people who always wanted to find their soulmate, however that was not the reason why she said it. She appreciated different manifestations of love: between friends, parental, sisterly and etc. She also knew that Tsubasa was a pessimist and even the love of people who were close to her was not enough to restore her will to live. At least if she were deeply in love with her soulmate, Mei hoped that Tsubasa could finally find the strength to fight.

Soulmates were always a bone of contention between different social groups: commoners, nobility and shinobi. Especially the last one. Missions and loyalty towards the village must be a number one priority for a ninja. But with soulmates everything became much harder.

Still even the biggest soulmate deniers tried their best to ‘lose things’. Even though little was known about soulmates nature, over the years people were able to learn a couple of useful things:

1 - Every item you lose will end up in your soulmate’s possessions.

2 - You cannot send a letter or any kind of writing this way.

3 - You cannot just throw away a random thing in the air or leave it intentionally on a park bench. So, you must really lose the thing to make it reach your soulmate.

The world was never peaceful. Neither for commoners nor shinobi, so desire to help for so called “true one” was understandable. People tried to tie various useful items with slim strings to their clothes like meds and water. When it came to shinobi they usually tied small scrolls to their bags or jackets hoping that during fights the thread would be cut or ripped and the item lost. Such scrolls were usually filled with food, kunais or ninja pills. Supplies that suddenly appeared managed to save some shinobi on the verge of death more than once. So even soulmate deniers had an opinion that it was practical to help the soulmate and very rude to ignore it. Help for help, life for life, nothing more. Tsubasa was one such person.

Of course, every skilled shinobi could tell from which village the lost item appeared.

Yuki’s soulmate for example was from Konoha. Her teammate Hiroto recognized a specific plant in a found ninja pill. So, she had some chances to run into him during her stay.

But Tsubasa did not want a soulmate. She did not need some stranger. She wanted to stay in Kiri and spend her last days with people she loved with all her heart and soul. Hadn’t she suffered enough? It didn’t look like it.

This was how she ended up in Konoha; or rather in a spare room of Yamanaka-hime’s house. Although Tsunade made efforts, in Yuki’s opinion, she clearly did not have an intention to heal her, but to collect information about how the disease proceeds under various factors, in order to save other unfortunate ones… Tsubasa could tell it from her students. Tsunade put her under the care of somewhat inexperienced newbies, ones who could crawl into her head and feel the patient’s condition themselves. Tsubasa did not blame her for that. She would be happy if her death could help someone. The girl rather felt sorry for distracting Ino from her more important patients. The hime herself was cheerful and sunny person, but in moments that required professionalism she could turn cold and focused with the flick of a finger. “She would be a perfect clan leader one day,” Tsubasa thought.

To be honest Yamanaka’s jutsu was useful for more than just therapy. When they first met, Yuki just simply let Ino read her mind and see her past. It was much faster and easier, plus all the secret information she knew as an ANBU was sealed. In order to get it, they would have had to use much stronger and more traumatic jutsu (and of course torture). Moreover, she was going to die soon, so did it really matter how many people knew her story?

Though when Tsubasa saw the girl’s blank face after reading her mind, she felt guilty. The blonde stayed silent for a few seconds before giving her a hug. She did not need words to say that she will do her best.

Ino was easy to befriend. She also was good at distracting from negative thoughts. Between her regular Tsunade checkups and preparations for missions (It was important to monitor the development of the disease in the field, and all missions would be related to information gathering about the Yuki clan) they were chatting, watching movies and sometimes working in the flower shop. Thanks to Tsubasa’s honey-coloured hair most people mistook her as a distant relative of Yamanaka, so no one asked questions.

Once they ended up talking about soulmates. It started when Ino found some spilled ink on her carpet one day. Hime did not know much about her soulmate except he was really… an artistic type. Through the years she collected various brushes, pencils, erasers and doodles. Once she even found a whole sketchbook (unfortunately half torn)! But there was one thing that made her upset. He never “lost” anything to help her like the majority did.

“Maybe he is from a strict ninja family or a specific ANBU team”, she said with a sad smile.

If Ino’s soulmate was artistic, Tsubasa’s was… quite “special”. Because only a “special” person would end up losing a 6-kilo bag of dog food. Even now, after seven years Tsubasa sometimes wondered ‘how?’.. It was not a pen or a trinket which could be easily left on an academy desk, but a giant bag of dog food! No, he was a good soulmate who was “losing” supplies for her (that once saved her teammate’s life) unlike Ino’s, but still… Even when the blonde heard about it, she could not believe it and then started to laugh hysterically. After such silly small talks Tsubasa felt like she wasn’t fully alone in this foreign village. It almost felt like she had found a friend.

Unlike the other forced teammate.

Every village had a system of having at least 3 people in a team. Moreover, Tsubasa was suffering from her disease and Ino concentrated on helping her. They needed another member.

Tsubasa did not like him from the start. He was loud, narcissistic, clingy and insolent. The kunoichi was easily fed up with his behaviour. She spat out what exactly she thought of him to his face before going back to the Yamanaka estate. Only when she was alone in her room, she understood all her stupidity. She shouldn’t have acted so idiotic and lose her cool. It was essential for a ninja. She also understood why he was chosen among all of the shinobi. As a member of the Inuzuka clan he had a ninken who was already big enough to carry a man. It would be useful in case she became unconscious due to the illness. But she could not help it. A lot of bad things were going on in her life. She felt useless and helpless since she was banned from using her ice chakra. Mei also banned her from using anything that would hide her emotions. She thought that Tsubasa finally needed to learn how to speak and deal with new people. Babysitting was not helpful, so she wanted to try something more radical. Tsubasa understood, but understanding wasn’t enough to cope with the stress. Now she was sitting in the corner of her room shivering. Usually, she would take her father’s mask – the only thing left after his death- and put the cold material close to her forehead thinking what he would say or do. She couldn’t do it any longer. Some of her belongings and a mask were lost during a powerful chakra release at the beginning of the disease.

A few minutes passed before she started to feel better. A sudden knock on the door took her out of thoughts. Tsubasa went to open it thinking it would be Ino. Unfortunately, it was him. The cause for today’s bad mood and their third teammate – Kiba Inuzuka himself. She sighed and looked at him through the door, hiding most of her body behind it. The young man in front of her hesitated and looked a little bit strange or uncertain.

”Listen, I came here to apologise.“

Tsubasa raised her brow. Surely she should have been the one to apologise?. Plus, the boy looked like someone who would rather make a bunch of excuses and snap back than accept he was wrong.

“Well, I shouldn’t have invaded your personal space in the first place.” He scratched the back of his head and looked away. Judging by his behavior, the girl started to understand what actually made his behavior change.“And …uhm, Ino told me about your case so…”

“Showed you,” said Yuki her guess as a statement.

”She d-did not show me much!”

”That’s okay. I don’t mind and Ino knows that.”

“Anyway, I want to start on a clean slate. Here, take it. It’s a half mask and a bottle of blue paint so you can customize it with your clan symbol.”

”Actually…”

“I know that you are not allowed to use anything to hide your emotions, but it is a half mask and I made the holes for eyes bigger so your emotions will be perfectly visible. This is not technically breaking the rule and you will definitely feel better due to your um… well, habit. Just enjoy it, okay? I have to go now, bye!

“W-wait! I cannot…”

But the boy already left, forcing the girl to accept.

After that, though the relationship between the trio smoothed out, it was far from perfect. Tsubasa preferred to act more as a solo player despite her health condition, Kiba was still too loud and tried to act like the leader he never was and Ino … Ino tried not to go crazy in this whole mess called a team. However, overall, their missions were rather calm. Perhaps the three of them needed time to get used to each other before they could accept the others’ faults and learn to compromise. The tension completely disappeared at rest time, when tired teenagers passed time by talking to each other. Often they talked about soulmates. Someone was consulting with others about what would be more useful to seal in a tie-down scroll, the other one was looking through a travel bag for new supplies (or accidentally dropped useless things), another was thinking about loud who their soulmate might be. On one of such days, all of a sudden Tsubasa discovered earrings in a sealed scroll. They were simple and consisted of three deep blue feathers each. The girl looked at them in surprise, not knowing how to react. But, on the contrary, Ino reacted too happily.

“These are so cute! And they match your eye color! Quite a nice present for a soulmate that has never seen you.”

“This must have been a mistake.”

“It was in a scroll. How could this be a mistake? Looks like your soulmate really wishes to meet you and…”

“I don’t need a soulmate, Ino! Like, I don’t believe in perfect matches made by spiritual forces or some sort. I never wanted to have him in the first place! I have a dream to achieve, a family in Kiri. No way if I survive, I will leave it all behind because of some questionable romance! That’s ridiculous!”

Ino sighed and Kiba remained silent. The conversation came to an end. But not the attention from Tsubasa’s soulmate or their mission.

One of those days, when all sorts of cute things and sweets instead of standard ammunition began to show up in Tsubasa’s scrolls more and more, their group stumbled upon really strong opponents. The longer the battle continued the more obvious it became that they were not going to win. Unless Tsubasa broke the rule and used her clan’s abilities. Mei’s order, both as sensei and as Mizukage, always stood above many moral principles for Yuki, but now it was a completely different case. Neither Ino nor Kiba with the sweetest and bravest Akamaru should have been involved in this from the very beginning. They were not supposed to die or risk their lives because of some terminally ill girl from another village and a questionable contract between their Kages. They must live, survive and Tsubasa made up her mind. At first, she managed to eliminate a couple of ninjas and slightly injure the rest using the element of surprise. She was incredibly lucky, because the disoriented opponents were much easier to finish off for Kiba and Ino. Tsubasa by this moment had already lost her eyesight from the tension and saw the battlefield only as a set of white and light gray colors. She lost her breath and her strength to stand upright. But it was nothing compared to the pain that washed over her seconds later.

The kunoichi screamed in pain as she felt blood filling her mouth and an ice crust covering her internal organs. She fell on the cold dusty ground, heart-rendering screams leaving her lips with the blood pulsing her temples, ice needles tearing the muscles of her arms and legs. It seemed like nothing existed except for the all-consuming pain. Through the wall of never-ending white noise, she heard the sounds of Ino’s commands and Akamaru’s frightened barking. This was the last thing she felt before passing out.

Tsubasa woke up with a heavy head and pain all over her body. She listened to her senses before opening her eyes… and it would have been better not to listen to them. Someone brazenly pressed her close to their body and sniffed into the ear. When she opened her eyes the girl immediately screamed. In general, it was a completely normal reaction when you find yourself half-dressed in the arms of an equally half-dressed man. Of course, given that she was half-asleep, her only response was a stream of unpleasant curses and swearing. At first Kiba, who was still sleepy, was happy that the girl woke up, but soon joined the exchange of curses until a joyful, but terribly tired Ino ran up to them, immediately trying to interrupt the catfight and change the topic. Kiba waved his hand resentfully and went off in an unknown direction. Ino stayed with Tsubasa alone.

“Sit down and drink this.”

“Okay, but can I ask you a question first? What the hell happened here?”

”Your disease went out of control. I could barely suppress it. This time it was… too strong. Not like before. When I was finally able to improve your condition, you were still unconscious, your temperature dropped to terribly low levels, and some ice crystals did not disappear. We didn’t risk taking you back to the village in such poor condition. At first, we tried to wrap you up warm, but that didn’t help. Your clothes were quickly soaked by the cold coming from you and it only aggravated your condition. Then we decided that we would warm you one by one with the heat of our bodies. Well, Akamaru too.

Tsubasa howled in embarrassment and Ino sighed.

“Don’t worry. I think Kiba understands what the situation looked like for you. Or he will understand. He is a hot-head, you know, and he needs some time to calm down. But he will.”

”Still, that doesn’t change the fact that I snapped at him twice for literally nothing, especially the last time when I should have said ‘thank you for trying to save my dumb ass’. I feel terrible.”

The blonde girl patted her dejected friend on the shoulder and then said, “ Drink the medicine or, I swear to God, you will regret that you woke up.

The group’s return journey took place in silence. Despite the fact that Tsubasa apologized to Kiba and he accepted the apology, the kunoichi was still tormented by her conscience. She needed to apologize to him properly. Stealing a glance at the still visible ice crystals on her hand, a thought flashed through her: “While I can still do it.”

Night is definitely a wonderful and mysterious time of the day. Too bad that not everyone can enjoy its beauty, but there are also some who would be glad to miss it. For example, some unfortunate souls from the Inuzuka clan. It just so happened that a heightened sense of smell was not the only animal trait some clan members shared. Heightened hearing, too. In battle it was somewhat useful while in everyday life - irritating. During the day, in a mixture of noises, it did not cause much discomfort, but at night, when all the sounds disappeared, a can kicked by a drunk felt like a hit in the head. It is not surprising that such “lucky” clan members often suffered from insomnia and generally lived in the rhythm of night owls, which was very difficult for the shinobi world, where everyone was entirely early birds.

So was Kiba. However, tonight it felt different. His day was active and the sounds on the street did not disturb him, still he could not sleep. It seemed that the whole atmosphere of the house became more and more oppressive with every second spent inside, and the inner desire to walk through the village at night became stronger with every minute. He just wanted to go outside and run. He did not know where, but somewhere, where it was important for him to be now. In the end, when he accepted the fact that he obviously would not sleep today, the young man called his faithful dog and quietly left the house. The night was calm and fresh from the recent rain. Perhaps even too much, but it did not bother Kiba. He gladly wandered through old village streets, breathing in deeply the cold night air until he found himself near the playground. Or better to say, found someone.

Tsubasa sat on the swing all hunched up, almost motionless like a statue, and although this time her face wasn’t hidden by a mask, but her honey hair, Kiba knew that the girl was clearly not radiating joy.

“May I sit?,” he asked. Tsubasa didn’t even flinch.

“Yes.”

Kiba looked at the girl. When they first met, she was strong, cold and impenetrable. A true warrior. But now things were different. As a shinobi, he was not afraid to die on the battlefield, surrounded by dead and, possibly, even rotting bodies. But seeing a person fade like this, when they were unable to do anything about their state, when they burned out like a candle, turning with every second into a pale copy of their former self is what really scared him. At first, he didn’t care much what would happen to Yuki, but now, when her life glimmered on a candle stub, saving her was important. Either she will survive, and he will get rid of animal all-consuming fear, or her pale face, disfigured by illness, in the tongues of the funeral flame will haunt him till the end of his days.

Akamaru rested his head on Tsubasa’s lap. Still lost in her heavy thoughts, Yuki let her hands go of the swing chain and started to mechanically stroke and scratch the ninken behind the ears.

”Hey Tsu, I know that you are that type of shinobi who tries to follow the code perfectly. But we are not made of steel. You are not made of steel. You are feeling bad and tired. It’s unlikely that I will hear something that Ino did not show me or did not hear from you. Sharing pain as a shinobi is hard, but it’s even harder to keep your cool when you are on the verge of being broken by your own emotions. Even though I talk too much, anything you tell me tonight will stay here, I promise. So, tell me what’s eating you.

”You’re right. I am tired. I am weak, although I’ve tried to prove myself otherwise for my whole goddamn life. Even when I felt bad and thought that everything was lost, I clung to a few good things that I had. What does not kill makes us stronger, and the world, even drowning in war and blood, is still too beautiful to give up, especially the little things that everyone forgets. That’s what my father taught me. My path has never been covered with rose petals. Well.., for most people, actually. Still, I didn’t stop fighting for the people I love. Only when the clan curse showed itself… I was really scared. I felt completely helpless. And after the recent events… Fuck all my experience, knowledge and even more ranks. I am useless. I… I must accept the truth. I will die soon Kiba and I do not want to die here.”

Her previously smooth and still voice started to crack. Her shoulders shivered slightly.

“You, Ino and your friends are wonderful people and in general I like Konoha, but it will never be my home, and you will never replace my family. I hate to break promises, but I really don’t want to keep the one I gave to sensei and friends. I just want to give up and go back to Kiri. I miss them so much and want to see them one last time. Besides there is also one thing that bothers me…”

Mei was not that wrong when she said that Tsubasa might fall in love in Konoha. She actually did, but not with the soulmate destined by the stars. She fell in love with an eccentric, slightly arrogant and silly boy who may have not really known her, but still tried to help. Simply because he did not lose faith in her or their team, because he acted friendly with her and could cheer her up even in her darkest moments. For the fact that he could knock on the window at one in the morning and invite her into the forest to look at the fireflies. Just like that. It wasn’t like love at first sight, or a long courtship. With each passing day her feelings grew stronger washing over her like waves. Unfortunately, there were few “BUTs” that Tsubasa could not ignore:

She was from another village and even though there were many bad things in the hidden Mist, she was not going to betray it or move anywhere. She promised herself to help Sensei make the village a better place, and she was not going to give up on her dream either. Kiba was also too loyal to his family and friends. He would never leave them for some Kirigakure girl.

Moreover, Tsubasa felt guilty about her soulmate. Yes, she never saw him, but that did not stop him from taking care of her and obviously dreaming about their meeting. It would be wrong just not to care about his feelings.

Most importantly, that applied to both Kiba and the unknown “true one” - she was dying. She was a weak sick girl who had a month left to live at best. Of course, she could confess her feelings to the boy next to her right now, feel loved and die with a drop of happiness… But was it fair for Kiba who would have to live with this burden until the end of his days? Definitely not. She couldn’t do that to him. That’s why she would rather stay silent, burn out from her feelings, because at least she would not let him suffer.

“I just don’t know what to do… I feel lost.”

She lifted her head, blue feathers of her earnings blowing in the wind. Her face was emotionless and her body calm, yet uncontrollable tears were streaming down her face.

The boy took her freezing hand and pulled her into a hug. Tsubasa bit her lip, burying her face in his shoulder and soaking his jacket with tears.

”You lost only because you gave up right away as soon as you found out about your diagnosis! Stop thinking about the fucking disease! Focus on something else! Not on the loved ones, since it causes you so much pain. Focus on your dreams! On your soulmate!”

“Why are you so obsessed with the idea of soulmates?”

“Why are you so disgusted with the idea itself?”

She let his hand go and exhaled. There was no trace of her emotional outburst except for her bloodshot eyes. Tsubasa grabbed the swing chains, thinking for a second.

“I do not believe in fairy tales about gods, who loved each other and were separated, that blessed all mortal couples with a secret connection, in revenge to the rest of the pantheon. Why did everyone suddenly start to think that it was a love connection? What if that bond means a strong friendship? And how can finding lost things help my soulmate find me or specifically, my body? The only variant I see is where you tattoo the coordinates on your hand and lose it in battle. An ‘excellent’ plan! Moreover, where are the guarantees that soulmate couples will be happy? Give me one example.”

”Ino’s parents are soulmates.”

Both of them suddenly turned silent.

”As far as I know, Mrs. Yamanaka did not even know our language when she arrived here. She was from another country, with completely different customs, still she risked going into the unknown. And I don’t know any stronger couple.”

“The way you talk about it… Your parents aren’t soulmates either, are they?”

He nodded.

”Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother. In fact, my father left when I was one year old, so she and my sister raised me. But… My mother is a very difficult person. As far as I can remember, it was always important for her to be the first and she never cared about the feelings of others. This is good for a warrior, but not for a family member. She could easily say things that will hurt you, including the ones she said on purpose, as a joke in order to please her ego. When you tried to talk to her about this and ask her to tone it down a little, she pretended to listen at first, but soon forgot about it. As for my father, he was not from our clan, not even from our village. He was a stranger and ended up being at the very bottom of the clan’s hierarchy. My sister said that he could stand a lot of things, but not the betrayal and disregard towards him from his once loved one. Of course, this was not the only reason he left. After that, looking at how Ino’s parents perfectly understand each other and always try to find a compromise, on how strong their union is… I want the same kind of family. Yes, I can act like my mother, be short tempered and impulsive. I think you noticed it when we first met. I admit I behaved horribly, but with people close to me, whom I don’t want to lose, I try to control myself and work on it.”

“That’s… amazing Kiba. And despite the fact that you mostly act like a jerk -” he snorted and a small smile formed on her lips- “I have to admit that after knowing you better, I have respect for you. You don’t try to please everyone. You give all of yourself and your warmth only to the ones that are close to you. Only to those who, in your opinion, deserve it, disregarding the rest. This is right. I share the same point of view. But since you really want to find your soulmate, have you ever thought that you might end up being the one to leave your home? Are you ready for such a sacrifice yourself?”

Kiba fell silent. At first it seemed that he was deep in thought, but in reality, everything was different. He was frightened and listened to the silence of the night trying to find out if someone was eavesdropping on them. For a moment, the girl even thought that he used ninjutsu to sniff out strangers and make sure that there were no one near them.

As white as a sheet, he took her hand and ‘wrote’ his answer on the inside of her palm with a finger:

“Yes”

She glanced at him. His actions spoke louder than words.

“Your father is dead, isn’t he?”

”Were you born in a clan or joined it later, you cannot leave it.”

”I understand. After all, in Kiri, a lot is happening inside our clans too.”

They both sat in uncomfortable silence.

“When you said that my parents are not soulmates, you also said “either”. So..?”

“You heard right. You know that before Terumi-sama, Kirigakure was overflowing with nepotism and bribery? Well, people were willing to do anything to move up the career ladder. My mother really wanted a higher position in ANBU, so she made my father fall in love with her and convinced him that she was his soulmate. As you understand, it was also important for my father to find ‘the true one’ but when he realized that he was fooled it was already too late. He comforted himself with the fact that he seemed to love my mother even without that spiritual bond, plus he loved me with all his heart and soul. But in fact, the love between my parents was one-sided… and because of the special treatment to the Yuki clan, my father was never at home. So… when you start looking for your destined one, please be careful, okay? I do not want the same fate for you or for anyone else.”

Okay, let’s change the topic” - he waved his hands in a playful defensive gesture “You mentioned that you have a dream. So, what kind of dream?”

“Well, you chose a bad one to distract me, because my dream is deeply connected with my family. You know about the genocide of the Yuki clan?”

“Mmm, sorry, to be honest, not really. Only that when the Uchiha clan was massacred, the elders whispered with each other that it could be the same case as it was with your clan, where it was the Kage’s order or some sort.”

“The Yuki clan was once considered to be one of the most powerful clans in the village of the Hidden Mist. And of course, quite dangerous, especially for the past Mizukage, or rather, for the one who controlled him. So, one night, the entire main branch was killed and the clan’s library burned down. The Yuki clan was officially made part of a lower caste. Some clan members managed to escape, while others were often sent on dangerous and suicidal missions. Now from the once large clan, only 30-40 people remain in Kiri, and most of them are elders and children. For comparison, grandfather Naoki had four children, the same age as my father, and only one daughter remained alive. As you know, my frightened and repressed clan avoided communicating with each other. In fact, in my childhood, it was as if the clan did not exist at all. Childhood in Kiri was not easy, but the other children at least had a clan, a large family that stood up for them. I wanted it too. I wanted to be a part of a clan and before my illness I dreamed of reviving the Yuki clan, regaining lost knowledge and finding all the relatives lost around the world, whom, as far as I heard, were not liked by both ninjas and civilians. But now after that illness… I must find every single Yuki alive to make sure that no one will be alone while fighting the family curse and that no one will go through the same pain as me, giving them a chance to be cured. And I will do it, no matter what… If I survive, of course…”

“It’s … A great dream to achieve-,” he scratched his head not knowing what to say- “And I am sure you will! Just don’t be so pessimistic! “

”I am realistic.”

“Pessimistic.”

“Realistic!”

“OK, OK!” he chuckled.“Looks like only realists like you, who talk about how bad and terrible everything will be, turn out to be chuunins.”

“What? Kiba, I don’t… urgh forget it! Arguing with you on any topic is simply useless when you are stubborn as a mule.”

“Said another mule!”

She laughed. Warmly and sincerely, for the first time this evening, and perhaps since they returned from that ill-fated mission.

”By the way, if your life in the hidden mist was so bad why do you hate the idea of moving to another place? Like here, to Konoha?”

“First of all, my life in Kiri is perfect now. Secondly, when people will learn that I am from the hidden mist they will hate me. The only thing that saves me now is that commoners think I am a distant relative of Ino.”

“Why do you think that?”

“You never heard why Kiri women are hated so much?”

“No.”

“Well let me tell you,” she grinned sinisterly. “One year, in our village, due to hunger, disease and war, there were practically no men left. Then the women decided to fill this gap by stealing men from other villages. But then they questioned themselves, how to transport healthy and adult shinobi without harming them? This is how the world-famous art of Kirigakure ANBU was born, thanks to which we can immobilize even the most powerful warrior,” she chuckled as a senbon she used in some missions appeared from nowhere, - “With the combination of many factors, but still. Well, those poor souls who ended up in Kiri … they essentially had no choice, but to marry ladies there if they wanted to live.”

“Are you joking?!”

“I’m not! In fact, my great-grandfather was kidnapped from the village hidden in the Stone. So, be careful Inuzuka Kiba! Who knows, maybe my illness is just a part of a secret mission and I’m actually here to pick up suitable candidates… And you might end up being one of them! You may turn out to be a good third husband for me, you know?”

He laughed.

“Oh really? Well, I would die to see how you would try to steal me with such an amazing guard as Akamaru!”

“Oh darling,” she grinned and hugged the huge white dog,” I would find a way to make that adorable boy my partner in crime! “

Akamaru happily barked in agreement and both teenagers burst into laughter, almost falling off the swing.

“By the way,” she said after a small pause, “I have to admit that fireflies are much more beautiful in Konoha. Thank you for letting me enjoy such beauty…”

He bit his lip and took her hand in his. The Ice crystals were still showing from her bandage returned them both to the dreadful reality.

“You will survive Tsu, I promise you, and you will see many more fireflies. Not only these.”

She looked at him with a faded, crooked smile. A smile that only gravely ill and very tired people have. Kiba returned her a look and his heart squeezed painfully in his chest, skipping a beat.

“Don’t make a promise that you can’t keep.”

”I’ll keep it! You will see. We are close to finding the ancient temple of the Yuki clan, and there definitely should be information on how to cure you. And after the next mission is completed, we will go to a grill bar! In the land of water there are only sea creatures and practically no normal beef. I cannot let you go back to Kiri without letting you know all the delights of good meat.”

She chuckled.

“If you say so.”

But there would be no grill bar or any next time. They found information about the temple location, but at the cost of everything else. The disease turned out to be unstoppable at this point. Luckily, they managed to reach it in time and save Tsubasa’s life.

Three months had passed since her miraculous recovery. Representatives of the Mist village appeared in Konoha the next day and took the girl with them, not allowing her even to say goodbye to her new friends. Still, their paths will cross in the future.

Upon returning to Kiri, Tsubasa began to communicate a lot with Ino through letters, which made the Mizukage almost ecstatic. She hoped that friendship with the clan princess would turn into a possible strong political tie in the future. One way or another, Mei was going to make her children, if not a future Mizukage, then those on whom the village could rely. Sometimes Mei was so happy about the benefits that Tsubasa had a feeling that her illness and departure to Konoha were part of Sensei’s plan to improve relationships with the village from the very beginning. However, she thought it was too weird and silly to be true.

She also sent letters to Kiba. Feelings for him that suddenly flared up in her heart were not planning to disappear, but she still had no intention of getting into his personal life. He wanted to find his soulmate, and she respected that wish. This was the least she could do for him. “Besides,” she thought while drinking peach tea in the evenings and remembering how he was trying to warm her drastically freezing body on their trip to the temple, “it is unlikely that we would have succeeded even if there would be no soulmate. We are too loyal and attached to our villages and clans. None of us would move to another village for the sake of other. Only a soulmate had such privilege.“

Therefore, she was happy to be his friend at least, send the boxes of tangerines and dried seafood snacks on special occasions, help with advice on everyday problems that all teenagers went through, regardless of which shinobi village they were born in, and just talk about all sorts of nonsense.

At six am, there was a loud knock on the door. Tsubasa was just getting ready for the training and she had no idea who would need to see her at such an early hour (her teammates were waiting for her at the training field, so it could not be them).

A familiar figure was standing outside of the door. Tired from the road, a little nervous, but smiling. Holding a medium-sized flat box under his arm.

“Kiba? What are you doing here, especially this early?!”

“There were reasons,” he said giving her a box, “may i come in?”

“Of course, you can, I’ll make you some tea and something to eat for you two.”

The girl moved away to the side, letting the boy and his dog into the apartment. Akamaru immediately stretched and laid himself on the carpet of the living room, while Kiba took a seat in the kitchen.

“So, what’s the reason you came here?”

“Open the box,” he said with a smile.

Tsubasa raised her eyebrows skeptically. She put the box on the table, thin fingers gripping the blue lid and pulling it up. Her father’s mask with its cold material was staring right into the girl from the inside. Frozen in complete shock, looking at the once-lost thing dear to her heart, she did not notice how Kiba approached her from behind.

“I just felt lost,” he said in a soft voice, while tucking a loose strand behind her ear. Their faces were only a few inches apart, “And desperately wanted to be found.”

#Kiba Inuzuka #kiba #naruto oc #kiba inuzuka x oc #konoha simps server collab #server collab #konoha simps #kiba inuzuka #soulmate #kiba x oc #naruto #naruto drabble #drabble #soulmate au

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terrifictrauma · 3 years

Text

How can we let her die?

Shivering, I sat crunched over as the doctor gave me my epidural. Nothing felt warm despite the warm blanket draped on my legs. I had my headphones on, playing inspirational music. I compiled the playlist for months, in the hopes it would help the situation. I remember her saying, “Just breathe and relax. Your baby girl will be here very soon.” I was fighting back the waves of tears. Tears may be made of water, but I felt flames. I was consumed with fear and all of it was ignited by this place. Hospitals, sterile tools, monitors, and the smells of bleach ignited the dread in my heart.

Let’s rewind. Around three months before this day, I was walking around the county fair with my parents and my five year old daughter from my previous marriage. My husband was out of town and things had been stressful. I was trying to give her some good kid fun in the chaos that was our life. She was riding the rides with my mom as my dad and I spoke about livestock and nonsense. I had a difficult pregnancy up until this point and was enjoying feeling pretty good for once.

I had lost my son in the second trimester that January and was gifted my rainbow two weeks later. Was I stressed? Sure I was, but my grieving was numbed by the excitement of my new baby girl, Naomi.

As we walked I started feeling sharp pains. I couldn’t stop them, sit them off, nor drink enough water. My dad drove me quickly to the local hospital. I knocked on the door with hope for some relief and was met with, “We can’t help you here. You need to go to the next hospital over.” It was my hometown hospital, where I was born 29 years before. After a sonogram, I found out that night that my amniotic fluid levels were low. I had a follow up the next week with my OB. I was expecting the small and crass little man to tell me I was dehydrated or something. Then, he urged me to go to a bigger hospital with my high risk OB. I have type one diabetes. That lovely autoimmune came to me in college, and gave me my high-risk status. Anyways, my husband rushed me to the bigger hospital. If the county fair and livestock talk wasn’t a give away, I’m from a very rural community. The bigger hospital was five hours away. We drove on nerves. We were unsure of our condition, and discussed how everything would be okay, as we drove.

Everything was not okay.

There, the high risk doc told me they have saved younger babies. I was given steroids for her lungs, and was expecting her to come then. My fluid kept getting lower and lower. My preterm labor was stopped and I was sent home for another follow up with him the next Monday.

After the sonogram, “The good news is there’s dialysis and kidney transplant available in pediatrics.” Wait, what?? “Your daughter’s kidneys are enlarged and echogenic. They aren’t making urine. That is why your fluid is basically gone. I’m referring you to the Children’s hospital. I have a college buddy that works there, and it’s closer to you.” I recall him telling me of the will of a mother. He had another patient, whom he was for sure the baby was going to die, and the mother refused to believe it. The baby lived, even though it was a complicated and trying go. This was not the story I wanted to hear. Those were not calming details to learn about my unborn gift.

I was teaching at the time. I had finally got back into the classroom after moving back to this area, my childhood community, after a rough divorce and a new and wonderful remarriage. I had finally somewhat escaped my ex and was surrounded with the love and support of nearly all of my family. Teaching is my heart, my calling. Have you ever loved something so much that you can’t think of doing anything else? That was me. Education excited me. I loved planning lessons, decorating my room, watching kiddos learn and grow, and I even enjoyed parent teacher conferences. At the time of the relocation, it seemed that everything was looking up and things were starting to settle in my life...even after the miscarriage. My custody battle was long and ugly. Even though that portion of my life wasn’t over, I felt as though there was an end in sight...away from him. More on that later.

I drove back to my classroom after the devastating news. I drove in silence; my mind wondering and my heart pounding. I remembered the day I lost my son, Huck, as we named him. I woke up the night it happened with spotting. I called my OB and she said it would be fine. She said all the normal things you say to a pregnant chick. “Drink water, rest, and put your feet up.” I went back to bed after obediently listening. 3 am came with agonizing cramps. I looked down at the sheets to a puddle of red. It was a warm coldness that I will never forget. I looked at my sleeping husband for a second. Should I wake him? He looked so sweet and was so exhausted from work. That choice was no longer a choice. He came to me as I ran to the bathroom, terrified. Luke, my new love, was staring down at me after calling the hospital. I told him I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay on that tiny bathroom floor forever. I looked down at my son. He was so tiny and so perfect. My hands were red and so was everything. The bleeding didn’t stop; it wouldn’t. I didn’t want to leave my lifeless baby, so I put him in a container and we left. I left him, and it was unbearable. I had to have emergency surgery that night, a ride in an ambulance to the “bigger hospital,” and a blood transfusion. The doctor said they nearly lost me, but I felt alone in the wilderness anyway. Losing a child is a desolate and unexplainable experience.

We buried our son between our newly planted apple trees. I thought of those trees in the car. So little...perfectly designed. They had cute little leaves at that time and they were anchored down in the soil next to my garden. They were so petite and yet so full of life. The irony was too much.

That seemed like the longest drive of my life, and I drove a lot in those days. But like I said, more on that later.

It was a catholic school, that I taught at, and after arrival I wobbled in and I told the head mistress what the doctor said and immediately went to the church. There was no way I could continue with my lessons for the day. My daughter was in my class. She saw me in the hallway, and I could see the joy leaving her face. It was replaced with worry and that made me sick. I told her mommy was fine, but she knew I wasn’t. A sweet lady that volunteered at the school followed me. She tried to comfort me, without knowing me...not really knowing me. I cried and cried to Jesus. I was angry, terrified, and anxious. I recall the altar of the church and how beautiful it was. I was pissed. How can this altar be so beautiful, and my unborn baby be marked with some unknown disease? I know that is a strange comparison, but it truly was agonizing. My baby was beautiful to me. I had seen her many times in the sonogram. I had felt her wiggles so much, her hiccups, and her kicks. I adored her as much as I adored the God that lived in that church. She was from Him, so I had to refocus my thoughts away from despair. I couldn’t though. I couldn’t pray it off, kneel it away, or cry to him and receive respite.

I left the church feeling alone and helpless. This was a feeling I would feel all too often in my very near future.

I had an MRI scheduled at the “closer Children’s hospital”. My husband and I were a wreck. Our bond grew stronger as our hearts grew weaker. I had prayed for the intercession of a Saint that provides roses, in times of distress, the days before. I had prayed for my roses to tell me everything would be okay. I had the MRI and as we walked to the room where we were given the diagnosis I saw beautiful roses on the nurse station desk. I didn’t think anything of it. I had forgot about my prayers with all the stress of the situation. Little did I know that those roses would change my life.

Once again, I was sitting on a hospital bed getting another sonogram. I looked at my sweet baby and could see her abdomen was completely full of something fuzzy...her kidneys. The tech left the room without saying anything. I could see her expression. I knew something was gravely wrong before I walked in there, but I wanted her to give me rest. What seemed like forever later a geneticist arrived. He was a man about my age, tall and slender. He was so put together. He seemed so calm and collected as he told me our daughter had autosomal recessive polycystic kidney disease, and both Luke and I were carriers that’s how she got it. He said we can get tested, and test for other deformations and genetic diseases. He mentioned that most parents abort these babies. He was calm and expressionless. It was too easy for him. It was his job, and that was science. Then he left.

We were moved to a room full of doctors. Pediatricians, a nephrologist, a counselor, nurses, my new high risk OB..”the college friend,” and others were in attendance. Most of it is a blur to me now, but I remember the nephrologist saying, “We like a challenge but she will probably not live more than a few hours to a few days. There is a one percent chance for survivability. If she lives, she will face more challenges than dialysis. She has underdeveloped lungs and will probably get multiple infections, and will suffer her whole life more than likely.” The pediatrician said, “We can terminate, or just let her go after she is born. No one will judge you morally, religiously, personally..” etc. They kept asking us if we had questions. Our only question was, “How long do we have with her?” They had answered it, and we just wanted to leave.

Another long drive back home as Luke and I fought the idea of letting her die right after coming into the world. How can we let our baby just die without giving her a chance? I remembered seeing the roses. Those beautiful roses. As we were driving we saw a pro-life sign with an infant on it. It said, “choose life.” We determined then and there that we would fight for her as long as she was willing to fight too, and that began this story.

I continued to work after the diagnosis. Sweetly smiling and teaching through my agony. I would mutter words of hope and faith to others that asked, even though I rarely felt those feelings. I would look onto the faces of my students and want to cry, because my little girl would never have a sweet smiling teacher. She would never learn to count, or read, or have the joy of watching the class butterflies hatch from their chrysalises. Everything was melancholic. All my thoughts were consumed with comparisons to how my perfect little girl was not perfect, and that she would never experience the life that I was then just floating in.

Then, one day, as I was giving a lesson on the alphabet, I felt those all too common cramps and pains. They gained aggression and so I drove myself to the emergency room once again. I was in preterm labor again, and they flew me to the Children’s hospital to a room next to the “diagnosis room” I had been at weeks before. I was given many drugs on the flight to fight the pain and to hold off the inevitable. I awoke in my new bed to another doctor saying, “You know there is a zero percent chance this baby will live, right? I just need to be realistic with you.” My husband told him to get out, and I fought off the delivery all night. My labs came in and I was having a cardiac emergency. They said my triglycerides were high and I was ambulanced to the the hospital “just for adults.” The reason for my elevated levels was never fully diagnosed. I remember one cardiologist saying it was “broken heart syndrome.” They wanted me to do another test, but it would effect Naomi’s kidneys, so I said no. There was no way I was going to hurt her little body anymore than nature was already doing.

I was hospitalized and on bedrest for most of the third trimester because I kept going into labor. My body knew. It was trying to get the diseased baby out. Yet, we fought. Everyday they monitored me and the baby. As I stayed there by myself I capsized into myself. I tried to stay positive, and appeared to be on the outside, but that trauma was so much, I still haven’t gotten over it. I longed to be home, fat and happy, while my husband doted on my pregnant body. I wanted the experience to be with him and my daughter at home, and to be normal. I imagined taking pictures in front of the mirror and posting them on social media with comments like, “36 weeks and feeling good.” But, that wasn’t our story. This was not a fairytale. I drew a picture of an inmate behind bars, and marked the days I stayed there until they decided to do a C-section. I wasn’t allowed a delivery because of all the complicated aspects of the pregnancy; and there were quite a few.

The birthdate was chosen. October 1. I came to find out weeks after the birth that this was the feast day of St. Therese(The intercessory rose Saint). This was the day Naomi Grace was to be born and the day she was to die.

Now back to the surgery table. Crying as my legs went numb. I was feeling no comfort. The only other surgery experience I had was after I lost my other baby, and here I was about to birth another baby that was probably going to die. I knew I would probably only hold her after she had passed, or as she took her last breath. I had months to fear and grieve the loss of those precious moments; breastfeeding in the silence of her nursery she would never see, kissing her cheeks as she whimpered for me in the wee hours of the morning, changing wet diapers I had carefully washed and put away in her drawers in anticipation of her arrival months before. I had already told myself that I wouldn’t get those experiences, and now her birth was even more hideous to me. There was no joy, and no excitement, and no happiness. I was terrified once again.

I heard her cries and they let me look at her, very briefly. She was irregularly swollen. I had a five year old daughter, so I knew what newborns were supposed to look like. I battled wanting to hold her, but they swept her away. I told myself it was probably better that way. I wouldn’t have to listen to her gasp for air, or see the light leave her eyes. My husband, my rock, left me there too. He watched as they got her ready for her fight. And I....I laid there crying helplessly with so much exasperation that I thought I could die too. The typical exhilaration that comes after having a baby wasn’t there. The relief from successfully carrying a baby for nearly ten months, and bringing them into the world to start their beautiful story, wasn’t there. I felt completely alone in that moment. Then, my headphones started playing a song about a phoenix, and I closed my eyes, sighed, and prayed.

#arpkd naomistrong infantloss miscarriage St.Therese dialysis sonogram pray

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butterflyinthewell · 4 years

Text

Dad took some steps today. He needed the therapist right there because he was so off balance that he would’ve fallen without support along with his walker. One of his feet is curling sideways and inward because he hasn’t been putting weight on his feet. That will be a problem and he may need a brace to straighten that out. It’s related to the whole “don’t use it and you lose it” aspect of Parkinson’s disease, and I was afraid of this.

I hope he gets to walk again as much as he could before because he will be stuck in one room for the rest of his life if he doesn’t. I think that’s the one incentive that makes him want to get back on his feet. My fear is he will then proceed to get up at night like he was doing when he got hurt in the first place. He still keeps mom awake till 3 and 4am because she’s a people pleaser who will give until she’s dead. Black hole people like my dad love finding bleeding hearts like my mom.

I’ve told mom to just put her foot down and go to bed, but I stayed up once to see what really happens. Dad whines and complains if mom says she’s going to bed. Suddenly he will want to be put on his bedside commode (which takes forever and then you wait for him to go and heave him back into bed), or he will want a sandwich or just anything that makes mom have to be busy on his behalf until she’s wide awake again when she was sleepy enough for bed before.

Just...AUGH...every good thing always comes with shit right behind it.

I think I’m going to ask my counselor or psychiatrist if there’s a way to screen for ptsd. My mental health is in the toilet and I’m having bizarre dreams and nightmares several times a week. My sleep is disrupted now, and that’s never been a thing for me. I’m constantly hyper vigilant. I’m having anger outbursts and the kinds of thoughts that intrude upon my mind are horrible.

If something happens to mom, I am helpless in all the issues that matter. Food, I can figure out, but I’m worse than useless for everything else. I cannot move dad to his commode or wheelchair, and he needs some support to move onto them. I’m too small, he outweighs me by over 100 pounds.

Most of my bad dreams are things happening to my mom, or there’s word that something happened and I can’t get any info on if she’s okay or not. Another kind I have is I’ve contracted COVID, or someone who comes in to see us has it and spreads it, and I’m the only survivor. Other dreams are the body horror type where I amputate my own body parts with a saw and hand them to people because I feel useless. I had one recently where I literally ran up to Hannibal Lecter with a knife and fork and told him to eat me, but he took the silverware away and wouldn’t do it because “no, you’re not rude.” I said I was, but he wouldn’t do it. I was so angry! I was angry about that dream all day!

I don’t believe I deserve anything good and I don’t see myself as a good person. I don’t deserve help.

I’m scared a lot. Just...I can be sitting here watching a cute kitten video on YouTube or eating dinner and get hit with a wave of fear.

None of this is how my mind usually works. I’ve never been in mortal danger(recently), but I’ve had my routines and life disrupted to such severe degrees that I feel like I’ve lost control of my life, and to me that’s almost the same thing as dying. I’m autistic, and autistic people are more prone to trauma from ‘mundane’ things that a neurotypical person wouldn’t flinch at.

I’m just worried the “not life-threatening” aspect will immediately disqualify a diagnosis.

In June 2019, I went into burnout after home health visits for dad threw all my routines away and they’re still getting destroyed by it because they can’t keep a consistent fucking routine.

July that year was my dad getting his DBS batteries replaced. It was sensory hell because I got my period the day of the surgery and spent the whole time nauseated and cramping, but being silent about it...only to get called selfish and horrible for mentioning how bad I felt after we were all home again. (Outpatient surgery)

September 2019, mom’s gallbladder almost blew up and she was rushed to the hospital. I was alone with dad, without warning, and had to function using emergency reserves that I didn’t have because I was in burnout. I ran around terrified that any mistake I made would get me screamed at by both my dad and sister. Mom was out of the house from Friday to Tuesday. Dad did nothing but demand and demand from me and yelled at me for melting down. I was almost out of meds and for awhile didn’t know if or when I would get them. I had to grocery shop with sister’s help and she kept getting upset at me for arranging the cart like mom did, and I ended up forgetting things I needed even though I had a list right in front of my face the whole time. I was that out of it.

An aid had to come bathe dad because mom couldn’t do it for at least six weeks. That happened whenever someone could come, so dinner, my showers and mom’s ability to do things were disrupted by waiting for the call that the aid was coming. Coverage only lasted six weeks and then the help was yanked the second mom was declared fit to lift more than 5 pounds again.

October 2019, our car died and so routines got thrown further out of whack because mom and I had to depend on friends and family for rides to grocery shop or go to church. Trips stopped being at a set time and turned into “whenever someone can drive you” so I was uprooted from my day with little warning, and we didn’t get a new car until early December.

December 2019: We Christmas shopped late because of the car bullshit, mom barely got the cookies baked in time, and it was just a super stressful Christmas season.

I struggled through the death anniversary of my dog because that year he was gone as many years as he had lived and I spent most of it in a disassociated state.

Then mom had her bowel obstruction the day after Christmas and was in the hospital from Friday to Sunday. Yet again she was gone and the routine was blown apart without warning. My sister gave me shit the first time I wore my new ear defenders to the grocery store. Dad did nothing but demand and demand from me when I had nothing. I ruined a dinner that I didn’t know how to cook and went hungry but made him eat leftover ham from Christmas.

January 2020, the COVID shit started on the news.

March 2020, I went to the grocery store with mom and shelves were empty like a nuclear war was coming. I was terrified that I would catch COVID and kill my parents by passing it to them. Church closed. Stores opened for senior hours at butthole o’clock in the morning. Weekend routines were destroyed. Choir practices stopped. More routine disruptions.

August 2020, I started having anniversary distress related to what happened to mom the year before.

Then dad fell and broke his hip. I still clear as day see him in his blue shirt, sitting on the stair chair, being pulled backwards out the front door by paramedics with the ambulance lights flashing red and blue under the midnight sky and white street light.

Late September, as I’m struggling a bit with the anniversary of what happened to mom, worrying about dad getting COVID and beginning to relax because “dad is going to be away till he can walk again...” there comes that phone call from shithole New Orange Hills saying they’re sending him home and we find out they lied to us about every promise they made.

October 2020, dad was brought home and now he’s laying in an electric bed in the family room where mom can hear him if he needs her.

Writing that down has me realizing I’ve been experiencing almost continuous upheavals to my routines. Routines give me a sense of safety, and every time things settle something else throws it all to shit again.

So either I have ptsd or I’m possibly developing it, and I’m scared because this seems so ridiculous compared to the reasons other people get it.

#swearing #dad fall drama #disabled abusers #emotional abuse #food mention #tw menstruation #tw pet death

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bravonovel · 3 years

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A Surrogate For Billionaire - Julianna Kennedy & Ryan Winston - Read Online - Bravonovel

A Surrogate For Billionaire

https://www.bravonovel.com/a-surrogate-for-billionaire-8232

A Surrogate For Billionaire novel is a Romance story about Julianna Kennedy and Ryan Winston.

Julianna Kennedy is a 20 year old university student and the sole caretaker of her seven year old little brother, who suffers from lung cancer. She can’t afford the money needed for his surgery, so the only option she has is to become a surrogate for a rish stranger.Ryan Winston is a handsome 24 year old billionaire with a cold heart. Because of his grandparents’ need to see a great grandchild before they die, Ryan is forced to hire a surrogate. But neither Julianna nor Ryan ever expected they were fated to be with each other.

You can read A Surrogate For Billionaire novel on Bravonovel Web or App.

A Surrogate For Billionaire novel Chapter 1

~ Julianna ~

“Juli are you alright?” I heard my little brother Noah’s voice. I wanted to cry. After all, I’ll never be alright without him because I have no money to spend on his disease. Shit.

“I’m alright darling. What do you wanna eat?” I asked him as he came to me and hugged me.

“I need bread with cheese Juli” I looked down at his small body and my heart tightened because how am I supposed to save him? I love him and I can’t even think about a day without him. I smiled at him and nodded before going into the kitchen. After breakfast, I went to the hospital with Noah. As I entered the hospital I saw doctor Peterson. He was one who did and helped everything about Noah.

“Good morning little one,” He said with a smile and Noah giggled happily because he really liked this doctor Peterson.

“Good morning Pete” Noah joked as he ran towards the doctor. Then he picked up Noah and nodded at me before going into Noah’s ward. After some time doctor Peterson came.

“Julianna, can I talk to you for a moment?” He asked and I nodded but this is the thing that I fear the most in this life. I have no idea what the doctor wants to tell me but I knew it was all about Noah’s health. Maybe the news will be good or bad but I was just scared.

“Noah’s health is getting worse. We should do the surgery as soon as possible” My heart shattered into pieces as I heard him. Unintentionally tears welled in my eyes. Why did this happen to us?

“Julianna, I know you have money problems. I’m so sorry” Doctor Peterson patted my shoulder. I sighed because no matter what, I’m going to find the money for his surgery and make him better.

“Doctor I’ll find money,” I said as I wiped my tears.

“You have a maximum of ten months. It will be great if you could find it soon” I nodded and looked at Noah through the glass wall and he was smiling at a nurse while chatting. I can’t let anything happen to him because he’s the only person that I have.

“Noah should stay in the hospital from today onwards.” I was still looking at Noah. He’s just so cute and he will be a handsome man in the future so as his sister I should just protect him.

“Alright doctor” With that I went into Noah’s ward and sat on the bed next to him.

“Am I dying Juli?” I forced my tears back because I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I smiled forcefully and took him onto my lap as I started to caress his silky dark brown hair.

“No. You’re going to recover so soon okay?” I kissed his head and rested my chin on his head.

“That’s great” He started to giggle. I clenched my jaws because I didn’t want to cry. My heart was hurting and it felt like someone was squeezing my heart so tightly.

“I love you so much Noah,” I said while kissing his little cheek.

“I love you so much more Juli” With that, he kissed my forehead. I bit my lower lip so hard because of the pain I’m feeling in my heart but no pain could match the pain in my heart.

“Noah, you have to stay here for a few months. Is it okay darling?” I asked and Noah nodded with a happy smile.

“I will play with Pete all day,” He said while jumping. I smiled at him and got up to leave.

“But Juli you will come to see me every day, right?” He pouted while biting his little lips.

“Yeah. I will” With that I left the hospital and went home. I had to go to university but my mind was in a mess so I went straight home. After I came home I jumped onto the bed and started to cry because I was tired and I was scared for Noah’s life.

After I was done crying I went into the bathroom and washed my face and changed into new clothes. Then I heard a knock on the door and went to open the door. As I opened the door I saw aunty Elise.

“Julianna, you were crying. Weren’t you?” She asked as I smiled forcefully. Then she asked what happened and I told everything that my heart was feeling and about my helplessness. She let out a deep sigh and pulled me to a warm hug. She was really like a mother, always cared for me and Noah but now she’s getting old and I can’t bother her with our things.

“Juli I’m sorry for telling you this but I can’t stay without even letting you know and I also don’t have much money.” She said with a sigh and I didn’t care about anything and all I wanted was money. I wanted to pay for Noah’s surgery as soon as possible.

“Tell me aunty Elise, at this point, I will do anything for my brother’s life. Even if I have to sell my body” I said as I took her hands and placed them on my chest.

“I don’t know Juli but I’ll tell you and you make the decision” I nodded at her quickly and she sighed.

“A wealthy family looking for a surrogate. They want to have an heir as soon as possible and they will pay $100000 to the surrogate” She said and looked at my eyes. My heart tightened and I looked down. A surrogate? So do I have to give birth to a baby for an unknown man?

“What are their conditions?” I asked. I looked at aunty Elise’s face and I knew she’s sad and she didn’t want to see me like that. She was the woman who taught me to wait until our fated ones and once they came our lives will be blissful.

“You have everything they need. Beauty, intelligence, and virginity. And you have those things beyond what they expect” I closed my eyes and thought about it carefully. So I have to give my virginity? It’s okay everything will be fine and I’m doing this for my brother. It’s just giving birth to live to save one.

“I agree. I will be their surrogate but please don’t let Noah know anything about this” I said as I smiled at her. I saw the hurt expression on her face but she nodded at me and smiled forcefully. She really cared about me and I will always be grateful to her.

“I’ll let them know and take you there.” I nodded as she got up and left. I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. Is this what's going to happen to our lives, mom? I lost my parents and now I’m suffering because of that loss. Urghh. Everything will be fine as long as Noah is safe and healthy.

………………………………………………………..

~ Ryan ~

“Ryan, when are you going to give us a great-grandchild? We are already very close to our deathbed” Urgh.. When can I have a peaceful sleep? Why do they want a great-grandchild? They already have a grandson.

“I don’t want grandma. I’m not ready to have a child” I said as I got up from my bed and walked towards her.

“Are you going to die with your virginity? Everyone knows Ryan.. They think you’re gay” My grandmother cried as she hit my chest hard.

“Ouch grandma it hurts,” I said as she smirked at me and started to cry loudly. Urghh drama queen. Then both my grandfather and father came into my room as they frowned at me.

“See, I only asked for a great-grandchild but he shouted at me” She sobbed while hugging my dad. I sighed and looked at them.

“Ryan, Do our last wish baby.. We want to see a little prince or a princess before we die” It was my grandpa who started to act this time.

“I don’t have a woman so how am I going to have a baby? I can’t do it alone. You know that fact right?” I said because I wanted them to give up on their last wish.

“Alright, you marry Lidia. She’ll give birth to your baby” What the fuck? Lidia? That cunning and disgusting whore?

“No. Not her. I don’t like women like her and she sleeps with men every day. Eww,” I let out my disgust and looked at my grandma who suggested it to me. Her face was also covered with disgust.

“Alright then do you have someone you like?” Why can’t they understand me? If I had a woman that I like I would have already fucked her countless times and got her pregnant.

“NO. I don’t like any woman” I said and looked away from their direction.

“Oh my god! my poor boy, Is he gay? Are the rumors true?” I heard my grandma’s low voice.

“I’m not gay either,” I said as I looked at her again. She sighed

“Alright then have a baby, I’ll choose a woman for you with great beauty, intelligence, and especially with virginity.” My heart started to beat so fast as she said that. Why was that? What the fuck?

“I..I..” Before I could finish what I wanted to say grandma cut me off.

“There’s no need for your answer and be ready” With that grandpa and grandma left my room.

…...

Continue to read Chapter 2 of A Surrogate For Billionaire on Bravonovel Web https://www.bravonovel.com/a-surrogate-for-billionaire-8232/chapter-2-193879

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#A Surrogate For Billionaire #Julianna Kennedy #Ryan Winston #Bravonovel #novel #romance #story #fiction

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dayseternal-blog · 4 years

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Summary: She knit a red scarf for him. She never gave it to him. Days turned into months, months turned into too late.

Naruto starts dating. Hinata decides to move on.

A sickness takes root in the heart.

Inspired by SasuSaku fanfic “Medicine” by @grimmjowkurosakidrake

Rating: Mature

Read Chapter 1: Smoke on her tongue

Read Chapter 2: He’s not a ghost

Read Chapter 3: Weeds

Read Chapter 4: Leave himself behind

Read Chapter 5: She’s always (still here)

Chapter 6: Much more than friends

The bustling activity of the hospital fades away as soon as they step outside. The silence between them magnifies in the bright sunlight.

She feels anxious, a small excitement fluttering about, as she follows him toward the road. Naruto has always done the unexpected, and with today, she thinks he’s really lived up to that reputation…

She has no idea what’s coming next for them.

It leaves her hopeful, so, so hopeful, that she doesn’t dare speak. Out of fear of disturbing this dream, any wrong word could turn all of it into a terrible joke.

Naruto stops.

She freezes behind him.

He turns around, looks directly at her, and feels his stomach drop straight to his feet. The question he wanted to ask forgotten.

She’s blushing so much, and it’s adorable.

He stuffs his hands into his jacket pockets, a reactive heat rising to his own face. The sudden onslaught of nerves makes him feel warm, as if someone just complimented him, and at the same time, he feels incredibly scatterbrained.

He feels like he can do anything or nothing.

Two steps away from remarkable or lost...

“Soo,” he regrettably starts, immediately and unfortunately finding himself weakly at her will, but he manages to continue, “...what are you doing now?”

“Oh, I, I guess I should meet up with my family...at the...cemetery. It should be about that time.” She sounds so soft, even to her own ears, she’s not sure if he could hear her.

But he nods. “Right...right.” Since the moment Hinata entered his room, he pretty much forgot what today was. So much happened just this morning, it’s a surprise that it’s still afternoon.

She peers up at him, trying to gauge his expression...muted, thoughtful. She decides against telling him that she went without him earlier. She knows the reason now why he didn’t show up, and she doesn’t want to make him feel bad about something that wasn’t in his control.

His disease, his explanation for it, it’s all something she still can’t quite wrap her mind around. And she’ll dedicate time to mull over it later, but for now… “Would you like to come with me?”

“With your family?” he asks, a hand swinging up to work the uncertainty from his neck.

“Mhm,” she quietly affirms. “They won’t mind. I’m sure they’d love to see you.”

He didn’t get a chance to go earlier, and he really does need to pay a visit. Maybe without the flowers, he’s seen enough flowers for awhile...Neji would understand...Neji probably doesn’t actually care about the flowers, right? And if Hinata’s family won’t be bothered by him... “Sure, yeah, thanks.”

She hums a disagreement at his appreciation. He doesn’t owe her that, it should be a matter of course that he would be invited.

He smiles at her.

And with the way his gaze lingers on her as they start walking once more, fluffed cotton fills her legs, her stomach, her head, and she feels she may be nothing more than a cloud in the sky. Any slight breeze from him would send her clear in any direction he pleases.

It’s headying.

It’s frightening.

Though no one gives them much of a passing glance, she wonders, what others must think of them together? How much distance between them is appropriate? How much distance was there before today?...Are they now more than friends?

So whenever thrust into an unexpected, socially nerve-wracking situation, her hands find each other, clasping together tightly.

His fingers interlace behind his neck, cradling his head, walking as if lying back in the grass. It’s always been a tried-and-true way to appear as relaxed as possible, even if he feels far from it. “You…” He frowns at the sky. “...didn’t go this morning, did you?” he finishes quietly.

“Ah...I did.”

She went. Of course she did. It’s Hinata, and she’s always been reliable like that. And he...he didn’t go. His guilt darkens even the blue sky above. “Sorry...I wasn’t there.”

“Oh no. You were in the hospital after all.”

“Yeah but still. Sorry, Hinata.”

She hums another disagreement quietly, trusting that the nearing view of the cemetery will lighten the air between them with shared purpose.

Murmurings from somber crowds carry over the field. Families pray around headstones. Little gifts and flowers decorate every grave across the field.

But despite the numerous people, Naruto sees that no one pays him any mind. It’s a welcome surprise.

And their presence seems to be a welcome surprise, too, for the rest of her family.

Hanabi’s eyes widen. “Oh, Nee-sama, we would have waited for you, but none of us knew where you went!”

“I’m sorry, I was helping Sakura-chan at the hospital. Naruto-kun was there, too, and I invited him with us.”

He takes this as his cue, slightly dipping his head in a bow, awkwardly, to her stoic family.

In the following beat of silence, his eyes draw directly to the only reaction...Hanabi’s expression: brows arched high, a quick glance at her older sister, mouthing a silent ohh. A look that sends self-conscious warmth to his cheeks.

“Thank you for coming today.” Hiashi is as serious as usual, but the words sound genuine.

He nods, for lack of anything else to say. In front of all of her family, some he knows by name, some strangers, all of them in quiet appreciation of the moment, he can’t help feeling a little out of place, like their collective pressure on him just forces him to shut up. Unlike other families, noisier in their prayers and conversation, the Hyuuga are quiet. Silently cleaning and visiting graves of others besides Neji who were lost in the war.

Hinata has always been quiet.

And as he expected, this is the quiet family she’s grown up in.

The people who raised her into the person she is today.

Like Neji.

Hinata mentioned to him in passing the things Neji had done for her. Helping her perfect a move, build stamina, assist her when she strained her eyes. When he asked why she calls Neji “Nii-san,” she explained that he was more of a brother to her than a cousin. She said she understands why it might sound silly to others, since during the chuunin exams, in front of everyone, he so vocally demeaned her. How maybe to others, it might sound silly that even through that difficult part of their relationship, she still saw him as her brother.

He quickly reassured her that “No, it’s not silly. I get it, believe me.” He understood. Perhaps better than anyone else ever could.

She looked at him, eyes, usually so pale, shining warm. She smiled. Her head tilted, her bangs sweeping over, the white skin of her forehead peeking through. “Sasuke-san?”

He smiled, too. “Yeah.” That asshole of a brother.

She nodded, her gaze drifting back to Neji’s grave, her smile muting to something lonely.

He remembers he wanted to hug her, words failing him when he could imagine what such a loss would feel like. He can still remember back on that time when he was afraid that he really did lose Sasuke. He turned his fear into determination to get him back...but Hinata can’t do the same. And in that moment, he wanted to hold her tight.

But he didn’t hug her, didn’t touch her. The very ache in his limbs to feel her weight solidly against his body, to squeeze her and never let go, made him freeze up. He couldn’t gather the courage to do it and he didn’t know why that would be so, when he’s touched her before.

He knows why, now. Aware of the heaviness in his heart, of how her loss felt like his own loss, of why standing next to her now makes him feel obscure, fuzzy, eclipsed by her.

The immediate thought that follows, each time, and he thinks he’ll never get over it, that it could have been her. It could have been her, and he always sensed that that loss would have left him utterly, terribly helpless, a million times worse than losing Neji.

“Thank you” will never be enough.

But he prays it over and over. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Neji.

It’s endless, a prayer never meant to find closure or be restricted by time.

Yet the sun begins to burn low, and Hiashi approaches their quiet vigil. “Naruto. If you are available, please join us for dinner. We would be honored to have you.”

Her father’s kind offer is surprising, and it brings her so much happiness to know that his attitude toward Naruto has changed with the rest of the village. “Yes, Naruto-kun, please join us,” she quietly adds, hoping he can hear her sincerity.

He gapes at their invitation. No one’s parents ever invited him over. None of the adults liked him, maybe except Iruka-sensei, but his old teacher claimed once that he’s not much good at cooking, so they always just ate out.

Hinata watches his hesitation, wondering.

Naruto studies the man’s stoic expression. Does her father really want him for dinner? He’s probably just asking out of courtesy... “That’s really kind of you, Hiashi-san, but I need to head to the Tower before it gets too late.”

She tries not to let her disappointment show. He had been saying since earlier that he wanted to get back to work.

“Sorry, Hinata.”

“Oh, no...” She supposes she was never any good at hiding her feelings from him.

Hiashi nods. “You must be busy. Thank you for joining us today.”

“No, thank you for allowing me to join your family today, Hiashi-san.”

Her family starts heading off down the street, away from the cemetery gates, but she lingers behind.

Everything that Naruto said to her at the hospital was clearly direct, leaving no room for confusion. So why does she feel unfinished?

“Your family is leaving-” he starts.

“I know.” She looks up at him, as if his face will clarify her incomplete thoughts.

He takes in her soft gaze and soaks her attention in. He doesn’t really want to go. He doesn’t want her to walk away, either. “Hinata…”

“Naruto-kun?”

He reaches out uncertainly, his hand folding with hers, his grip light. He held her hand in the hospital. But suddenly, out here, it’s just...different. As if the soft connection is a thin thread, gently tugging at his heart, pulling it toward their entwined fingers.

It’s a familiar warmth. She never got used to holding Susumu’s hand, probably because she was always comparing it to this. Naruto’s warmth almost feels natural against her. She dares to think that it’s meant to be. It’s where she always wanted to be, after all.

“...Let’s meet up again.”

She nods, her gaze leaving their hands to look into his eyes.

Her earnest expression makes his heart squeeze, his grip on her smaller hand tighten. “I don’t know when, though.”

She nods again. That's just how mission schedules are. “Then, I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah.”

She lets go of him reluctantly, backing away to rejoin her family, when she remembers. “Um, Naruto-kun?”

He perks up. “Yeah?”

“Happy birthday."

He shyly grins. “Thanks.” He’s not exactly sure if “happy” is the most accurate way to describe today, but it’s certainly been an unforgettable one.

She smiles a little more, taking in his warm expression, before reluctantly starting to turn around. She holds his gaze for one last second, then steps away to catch up to her family.

Naruto slowly turns toward the Tower. Some steps forward, though, has him glancing back, catching her looking back at him, too. Warmth rises to his face, as pink visibly tinges her cheeks. He smiles through it, widely, and turns around fully to wave at her.

She reddens even more. She waves a little, too, shyly, before turning around for good, dashing away.

She’s so cute.

And he’s so happy.

Kakashi puts him right to work.

He’s thankful for it. It’s such a relief to stretch out his muscles, to move, to get his chakra circulating and working in a healthy, normal way, to finally feel like his body is his own and not a victim to a force larger than himself.

That force being...death.

Missions remind him that he’s young and...not dying. Work makes him feel like he’s a functioning adult, doing what he’s supposed to do.

He remembers how he felt before. That month of confusion that led to anger, that spiraled into depression. A month of...kind of just...getting worse and worse and worse, and it was so completely unlike him. No energy. No direction. No sense of self-worth. He didn’t recognize himself.

He doesn’t even really know how to reflect on the whole thing.

Thing. He really doesn’t know what else to make of it.

The descent seemed to happen so slowly, and suddenly he was in the thick of his disease before he realized it.

Then as quick as a snap, he was fine.

...That, too, his cure…

He never gets too far in his reflection on everything he’s been through because he always pictures her soft, pink smile when they parted ways at the cemetery. She has the softest smile he’s ever seen, and he can’t wait to see her again, he just, can’t, wait.

He needs to verify her feelings again with his own two eyes and ears. With his hands, too. He’ll hold her hand again and maybe he can hug her. Maybe he can hold her.

He wants to hug her.

The thought always leave a vacancy he can feel against his body, like she should already be there in his arms but isn’t.

On a mission like this, even with a fun teammate like Shikamaru, he finds himself thinking about her in a moment of downtime. Thinking about when they’ll meet again and what it will be like.

It’s real.

His feelings for her are an excitement and distraction quite apart from anything he ever felt for his past girlfriends.

...He pretty much never thought about Rumi while on a mission.

...Rumi…

He tries not to think about her at all. The memory of her makes him feel like a piece of shit.

He really sucked. He couldn’t even be a decent person, he really…

Anyway, he should just focus on his mission.

He’s been really busy, and she knows she needs to be patient.

But she can’t help but wonder if she’s just his next girl. She knows that just a week ago, when he told her that he loves her, she thought that he didn’t need to prove anything to her. She knows that she’s supposed to trust him, after all, Sakura told her so, too.

She knows that she needs to not make any assumptions and just put her faith in him.

But...wasn’t it fast? Between his breakup with Rumi and his confession to her, wasn’t it...just...fast? She’s not sure exactly when he broke up with her, but Sakura would have told her something, probably, or the rumors would have traveled before Naruto would have gotten a chance to tell her. She thinks at the most, maybe a week passed since they broke up?

And, and! Between Kanae and Rumi! A little over one month. She thought that was fast, too…

She thought a lot of things.

She wondered if Rumi, a girl he seemed to hardly know, might be a quick relationship, like Kanae was. But Naruto and Rumi went out all the time. They seemed effortlessly happy together, going out on so many dates. They were seen all over town, eating meals at trendy restaurants, looking...cute...as everyone said.

And Naruto tells her now that dating Rumi was a mistake?

What exactly did he mean by that?

Is it because he was...jealous…...that she was with Susumu? And he got sick because of that? He...got...sick?

She even asked Sakura on a day-off what Naruto’s illness was really all about.

Sakura said almost the same things Naruto had said, just with more technical language.

That should be “proof” enough for her, right?

Somehow, it’s not enough.

...She needs to be patient.

She’s heading out on a mission with Kiba, Akamaru, and Shino when she notices Naruto with Shikamaru, making their way toward the Hokage Tower.

She doesn’t have time to wonder how to react when he completely stops in his tracks, obviously assesses that she’s leaving the village, and then runs right up to her. “Hinata! How long?”

She can sense Kiba’s and Shino’s curiosity. She wonders, too, at how obvious Naruto is making himself. But it’s also incredibly reassuring to know that he was hoping to meet up with her. “It’s just a one-way escort mission, estimated at nearly a week long.”

He nods, frowning, disappointment clutching his gut. “Alright.” He looks up to finally acknowledge her teammates. “Be safe, guys.”

Kiba smirks. “‘Course, man.”

Shino nods his appreciation.

“I’ll see you guys around when you get back.” Naruto’s gaze pauses on her, and she senses that he wants her to do more than just nod in agreement.

She tentatively smiles, hoping that he’ll smile back.

He does, a gentle one that she’s seen before from him on rare occasions.

It’s always made her heart flutter. She bites her lips, then responds, “We’ll be back soon, Naruto-kun.”

“‘Kay.” He takes a step back, knowing that he’s holding her team up from leaving.

She reluctantly turns around, waving goodbye as he waves a bit, too.

Kiba and Shino have the strangest look on their faces, like they’re thinking about a lot of things.

They don’t divulge their thoughts to her, but she knows their worry.

It’s her own concern, too, after all.

Be careful. But I can trust myself, too. And I can trust him...and be careful.

She wants to hurry back home, but as soon as they were ready to leave the Land of Water, a typhoon hit. All ships are docked until the typhoon passes and clears the surrounding waters.

So as rain lashes at the windows, they stay holed up in their accommodations, drinking tea and waiting out the storm.

Shino’s been unusually quiet.

She herself has had her own troubles, but both her teammates seem to already know that it’s regarding a certain old classmate of theirs (nothing new). However with Shino, who so rarely seems to have a problem he doesn’t already know how to deal with, she’s been wondering what could possibly be bothering him. So she asks directly, “What’s on your mind, Shino-kun?”

“Yeah, buddy, what’s on your mind?” Kiba and Akamaru jump onto a bed to listen in.

Shino adjusts his sunglasses. He takes a breath. “I have a decision to make.” He looks at them and sees that they’re listening. “I’m thinking of applying for the education program.”

Kiba’s eyes widen. “To teach at the Academy? That’s awesome!”

“...The application deadline is in two months.”

In two months?... “Good luck, Shino-kun. I know you’ll make a great teacher!”

“You’ll make a fantastic teacher! They’ll call you ‘Shino-sensei!’ like that,” Kiba cheers.

Shino looks between them, a tiny, amused smile on. “But I am hesitant. The reason is it would mean that I would not be able to go on regular missions with both of you anymore.”

Hinata and Kiba exchange looks, knowing that they both had already thought of that.

Kiba moves beside him, swinging an arm around Shino. “Listen, you’ll make the greatest teacher, even better than Iruka-sensei! Of course I’ll miss working with you, but, this is a great opportunity. And Hinata and I would never want to hold you back.”

Hinata is thankful for Kiba’s encouraging tones. It’s putting her in the right mindset, too. “Kiba-kun is right. We would never want to keep you from reaching for your goals. Do your best! We’ll be cheering for you all the way!”

“Thank you. I’ll miss both of you,” Shino says.

She shakes her head. “We’ll never be far away.”

“We’ll come and be guest instructors!” Kiba offers.

“Yes!” Hinata agrees. “We’ll always be your team.”

“Thank you.” His voice is heavy, emotional.

They smile together, and she feels tears coming on, but she doesn’t let them fall. She supposes they all knew this would eventually happen. The possibility of disbandment as they entered adulthood only increases with new responsibilities, new windows of opportunity, and challenges presented.

She just didn’t know it would happen so soon.

Sometimes she feels like it was only yesterday when she was selected for Kurenai’s Team 8. Sometimes it feels like a forever ago when the four of them were tasked with finding Madam Shijimi’s cat.

For the entire way home, they reminisce on their trainings and missions together and make promises to continue meeting up whenever they can.

It’s bittersweet.

To realize, not for the first time, how wonderful her team is. To hold so much excitement for Shino’s next stage in life. To hear Kiba’s plans for the future. To wonder about her own.

Maybe become a jounin sensei?

Maybe eventually work at the Academy, too?

To see that…

So much time has passed. She really has grown.

And she still has so much of life ahead of her. There’s no rush at all.

It’s a stroke of luck to see her coming out of the Hokage Tower. She’s smiling, looking well. She bends over to pet Akamaru.

She straightens and looks toward him, despite the distance.

So she knew that I was-- He bites down on that memory and runs forward to meet them. “You’re finally back!”

“We got held up in the Land of Water due to a typhoon,” Kiba answers.

“Good thing you guys didn’t get caught in it.” He nods at Kiba briefly before turning his attention back to Hinata. “How was the mission?”

She almost wants to shrink away from his obvious, directed attention. It’s almost too strong. But no, she wants this. She really wants this. “It went well. There was one scuffle along the way, but they weren’t a problem for us.”

“Yeah, I bet you beat them up easily.”

She blushes at his confidence in her. It’s almost like from before...It reminds her of those times before he started dating.

Shino clears his throat. “Are you hungry, Naruto? The reason is, we’re going out to get lunch together.”

“Oh yeah?” He was planning on trying to get Hinata alone, but this is almost just as good. “Can I join?”

“No! No, no.” Kiba leans forward, his voice cutting Shino off. “We’re doing Team bonding, and if you come along, you’ll just ignore us and try to hog all of Hinata’s attention!”

Naruto frowns. Yeah, he probably would’ve but… “The three of you were together for the past week! More than a week! Isn’t that enough bonding time?” he protests. “Plus, Shino was about to invite me!” He looks at the quiet guy for affirmation.

But Shino suddenly looks as silent as a rock.

Naruto’s jaw drops in disbelief and betrayal. “Shino!”

“The reason is that Kiba is right.”

He rolls his eyes and looks at Hinata. “Hinata? You’re just going to let these guys treat me like this?”

She’s still absolutely red from Kiba’s sudden and shameless words. It’s the first time he’s verbally acknowledged Naruto’s attentions toward her in almost a year, out of consideration for her feelings. “Oh, I would like to, Naruto-kun, but…” She looks at Shino. “We’re not going to be Team 8, officially, for much longer. Shino-kun is going into education.”

Naruto looks at the usually stoic bug boy. This guy? With kids? A sensei? “What?! No way! Shino?!”

“He’s going to be a wonderful teacher,” Hinata states solidly, not leaving any room for him to not believe her any further.

He nods, getting used to the idea. Certainly unexpected, but has Shino ever been anything other than surprising? “That’s really awesome.” And he means it.

“Thank you, Naruto.” Shino looks like maybe he’s smiling.

And so he takes a step back from them, now completely understanding what’s going on. What wouldn’t he do to have just one more meal with his team, as if time never happened? “Hinata.”

“Yes?”

“Tonight? Dinner?”

She tries not to feel Kiba and Shino’s stares boring into her as she gives a quiet hum of affirmation.

“I’ll see you at your place around 6, then.”

“Okay.” She tries not to look as shy as she feels because Naruto doesn’t seem shy at all. And she needs to do her best to keep up with him.

“Great! Have a good lunch then, guys.” He waves his goodbye and heads off.

And then it strikes her.

She’s having a date with Naruto.

She’s really having an actual date with her longtime love.

He simply asked her out like no big deal, like this was the idea all along, and that the two of them are really, actually--

“So the two of you are a thing?” Kiba bluntly asks.

She turns to look at him, blinking out her disbelief. “I think so.”

Kiba seems to hold back a frown. “What do you mean, you ‘think so’?”

“I mean, he…” Self-consciousness floods her, but Kiba and Shino are both waiting expectantly for her explanation. So she quietly continues, “...said he loves me.”

Kiba and Shino exchange looks, nodding.

“Well, that’s what we’ve thought for a long time,” Kiba states before leading them away from the Tower.

Hinata stares at them, finding their simple acceptance incredible. She really wasn’t the only one who felt there was something between them. But she can’t help needing that affirmation even more. It’s still something she can’t wrap her mind around. “You both thought that?”

“Yes, the reason is that Naruto has always paid more attention to you than any of us.”

She looks away, shyness warming her face. So it wasn’t her imagination? “...but…” Self-doubt rears up, making her feel suddenly slightly nauseous. “He dated others.”

“Oh yeah, Hinata,” Kiba starts, the roll of his eyes practically audible, “You could’ve…” His hands turn up in a shrug. “I dunno...tried to save his life a couple of times. Hold his hand in front of the enemy and the entire Shinobi Alliance. Eat out with him all by yourselves.” He gives her a pointed look. “And he wouldn’t have the faintest idea that any of it was romantic. Hm. I wonder why...maybe because he’s an idiot?”

She stares at him, processing his sarcasm, and Shino lets out the quietest cough of a laugh. She pouts at both of them for making fun of Naruto, but Shino clears his throat, obviously ready to launch into a long explanation.

And she really does want to hear it. Because, if anything, she has always interpreted Kiba’s list to mean that Naruto simply never returned her feelings.

“The reason is Naruto does what feels right, and if the outcome is fine, he will continue to move forward without reflection. Unless you force him to stop by questioning his actions, he will articulate neither his reasoning nor his purpose outside of the obvious goals, and he will not consider or care about how others might perceive him, so long as he was able to manipulate the situation to meet his ends. The reason is--”

“Naruto’s a gigantic idiot,” Kiba interrupts.

“--because Naruto thinks he has nothing to lose,” Shino continues, unfazed. “Therefore he acts accordingly, always behaving as rashly as possible, not realizing that anyone might value him as much as he values others.”

“Or that,” Kiba tags on in agreement.

“The reason for that is,” Shino says with a sense of finality, “not very many people have stopped him to ask for his opinion.”

“What? He’s always airing his opinions.”

Hinata shakes her head at Kiba’s denial. “No, I...I think I understand.”

“Did you ever ask him why he held your hand in the war?”

Her eyes widen at Shino’s question. Of course she hadn’t! How could she ever ask a question like that?!

“Did you ever ask him what he thought of your self-sacrifice?”

“No!” she defends. “That’s embarrassing, I couldn’t have asked something like that! And...and I didn’t do any of that expecting anything from him.”

Even with his dark sunglasses on, she can see Shino’s measured look.

Kiba lets out a big sigh. “Hinata...those exes were pushier than you. And, I don’t mean this in a bad way or anything, but, well, it’s not like, uhh, well, I mean, Naruto’s an idiot, so, anyway, I get what Shino’s saying, y’know, Shino’s right, like, Naruto didn’t know you value him.”

She blinks at him, feeling inexplicably hurt, recognizing that they’re putting some amount, however small, of blame on her. “But...I didn’t know he values...me…”

They pause outside of Yakiniku Q.

“And that’s why we didn’t say anything about this when you were dating Susumu! He’s ‘pushier’ than Naruto! You knew for sure that he at least valued you, it was obvious to you, and we thought it was good for you! Both you and Naruto are the same!” Kiba’s voice had risen enough that other pedestrians glance their way.

But she doesn’t take much notice of them. Their words are putting all of her decisions, all of her choices to back away, to give Naruto space, to listen instead of probe, to watch instead of interrupt, into a different perspective. She did that because she respected his decisions. So are they saying it was wrong of her? “I...didn’t know…”

“Yeah. We know. ‘S not your fault, Hinata, Naruto’s an idiot after all.” Kiba leads them into the restaurant, and the hostess takes them to their table.

When they’re seated, Kiba continues, “And anyway, the two of you are together now, so it doesn’t really matter anymore.”

She tilts her head, wondering if it’s true that it doesn’t “really matter”...

“I’m happy for you, Hinata.” Shino smiles at her.

She gratefully returns his smile.

“Yeah, we’ve all been waiting for this,” Kiba jokes. “Hinata, you have no idea, but this has been a long time coming between the two of you. Good luck with him.”

“Thank you,” she murmurs. Maybe Kiba’s right. Maybe it doesn’t really matter what happened before, who they dated, and what they thought the other was thinking. Because the truth is that...they love each other?

It’s a truth she’ll be able to experience later, and she’s left breathless in anticipation of the unknown. Logically, she shouldn’t feel nervous because she knows him so much better than she ever knew Susumu...but still…

Kiba snaps his fingers in her face. “Hey, focus on us.”

Her expression pulls down in an embarrassed frown. “I’m sorry. I’m just…” She shakes her head.

Shino nods. “You’re just happy.”

She ponders that for a second. She was thinking, more nervous or worried, but… She agrees. “I am. But not just because of Naruto-kun. I’m so happy that I have you two as my teammates.”

Hinata knows that they feel the same way as her by their surprised yet pleased smiles. They were and are lucky to have each other. She couldn’t have asked for a better team.

Kiba huffs out a breath. “Before I start crying, let’s order some food.”

“Agreed,” Shino states, unfolding the menu.

She laughs, so, so, so appreciative.

No matter what happens to them in their futures, she’ll always have Team 8.

He restlessly waits outside, arriving much earlier than acceptable.

He’s been waiting for this for almost exactly two weeks. And he’s readier than he’s ever been for a date.

Because he knows exactly what to do to make her happy. He has a lot of money in his wallet. He’ll compliment her when she comes out. He’ll hold the door to let her in first, he’ll pay, and he’ll walk her home. And at the end of it all, maybe he’ll get to hug her, hold her, like he’s been yearning for, but only if she seems open to it.

Only if she wants to.

He won’t rush this.

He’ll make sure she understands how serious he is.

Because despite the break-ups, he’s learned. And he’s not going to mess this up with Hinata. He completely understands what he’s doing with her and what this means for them, and, he’s not just doing this for fun, or because she asked him to, or to have a girl flatter his ego.

He’s doing this because...

He hears quiet footsteps coming from beyond the wall.

The gate pulls open.

And she steps out with a tentative expression that lights up into the shyest, cutest smile he’s only ever seen on her.

He takes a deep breath, grinning, unable to contain his excitement.

“I’m sorry to make you wait.”

“Oh no,” he dismisses. “I got here too early. I hope I didn’t rush you.”

She shakes her head. The truth is, she had gotten ready really early, too. It was a surprise to see him outside when she thought she was just being too impatient.

He feels giddy, like they have so much to do, but he knows now that dates need to be taken at the girl’s pace. That, in general, his ideas aren’t the most reliable, and that he should just let the girl pick. He tries his best to calm all of the adrenaline dancing in his veins. “Anywhere you want to go?”

She blinks at him. “Oh. Um…” She hadn’t thought about it at all. She had assumed that since Naruto asked her to dinner, he had someplace in mind? Like Ichiraku?... “I don’t really know...”

“Anywhere is fine, Hinata!” he encourages. “Don’t worry about me, I’m up for anything.”

She bites her lips, still surprised, not ready to think of a good place for their first date. “Um…”

He watches her smile slip into a look of discomfort. And he realizes just as quickly...he fucking forgot. In his excitement, he forgot to compliment her. Kanae always wanted to see if he noticed her efforts. Is it too late to say something?... He looks her over to see if he needs to comment on her fashion choice. She’s wearing her comfy-looking jacket, appropriate for a chilly night. He remembers what she wore with her old boyfriend...how she looked...different...yet tonight, she looks like she normally does. Jealousy pinches his gut, but he forces that down. It doesn’t matter. It’s not like he dressed any differently.

Just in case, he should say something, especially if that’s why she’s being so hesitant. And, anyway, it’s not a lie, either. No matter what she’s wearing, no matter if she’s clean or dirty from a mission, no matter if her hair is up or down, it makes no difference to him. “Hinata, you’re beautiful.”

She pulls out of her worries at the compliment.

His gaze is focused on her so intently.

Warmth seizes her face faster than anything else. How could he say something like that to her so casually without warning? Isn’t that too much? She wasn’t even paying attention! Embarrassment has her shaking her head, shrinking back a step, refusing to look him in the eyes again.

Her reaction isn’t what he expected. Instead of a coy, pleased expression, she looks like she honestly doesn’t believe him! “You are beautiful, Hinata.” Maybe she doesn’t believe him because she didn’t dress up? “You’re always beautiful.”

She gapes at him. Naruto has never lied to her. She has no reason to not believe that he actually feels that way. She squeezes herself together, trying to gather her wits about her. It’s hardly two minutes into their first date, and she’s already falling apart like she can’t handle him. Naruto deserves better from her.

She takes a deep breath and forces herself to really face him. Kiba told her that Naruto never knew how much she values him. And right now seems to be the time to start making amends. She steadies her gaze on his openly warm expression and finds the sparkling blue of his eyes. “Naruto-kun, you’re the one who’s beautiful.”

He squints at her. “What?” he can’t help bluntly asking, a weird grimace cracking open.

“I mean it,” she quietly asserts, trying desperately to keep her blush at bay.

He shakes his head and lets out an awkward laugh. “Don’t joke like that with me, Hinata, that’s not nice...so anyway, is there anywhere you want to go?”

She blinks, jarred by how quickly he dismissed her heartfelt confession. “I...I guess...Ramen Ichiraku would be nice.”

His brows furrow. Why would she want to go there? Is she just saying that because she knows it’s his favorite? Why won’t she tell him where she wants to go?

She doesn’t trust him enough?

She didn’t like that he called her beautiful, and then she turned it into a joke, too… Excitement begins to fade into worry. Why… “Hinata...we eat there all the time, it’s not special to you. You don’t have to choose that for me,” he awkwardly mumbles out.

She tilts her head and frowns, realizing the way she worded her request. “I do want to go to Ramen Ichiraku,” she repeats, simply and clearly. She knows for certain that they’ll both like it.

“Uh, okay,” he relents. And then unwilling to risk making more mistakes, he starts leading them away from the compound.

They walk together, and he tries to find words for conversation, but suddenly, he doesn’t know what to say. He’s already somehow messed up because of course he would mess up. So he shoves his hands in his pockets and keeps his focus on the road.

After a few streets of unusually discomforting silence from him, she can only conclude that he’s bothered. She gathers her confidence together. “Naruto-kun? Do you not want to go to Ichiraku?” Maybe he actually wanted someplace fancier? Maybe his tastes have changed?

He shrugs. “You know I always want to go there,” he admits. “I just don’t want us to be going there if you don’t actually want to go.”

She...she was clear wasn’t she? She stated very clearly that she wants to go, didn’t she? “I want to go, Naruto-kun. I like their ramen a lot-” She recalls his earlier hesitation. “-And I think Ramen Ichiraku is special.” She smiles at him. “It’s your favorite. That makes it a special place to me, too.”

He processes her explanation, the reasoning almost too simple to accept. “So...I’m not, like, forcing you or anything, right?”

She smiles wider, unsure of where he’s getting the silly idea that he might be forcing her. “Of course not. If I didn’t want to go, I wouldn’t have chosen them.”

She’s saying that like it should’ve been obvious to him… It should’ve been. He forgot that Hinata’s always been easily uncomplicated with him.

“We’ve eaten there together before, like you said, Naruto-kun. And we’ve always had a good time there, right?”

He nods, recalling the same memories that she’s referring to. It’s sudden, a soothing balm over his nerves. Those times back then...she enjoyed them, too.

“It’s a good place,” she summarizes happily. “It’s a special place for me.”

Not that he wasn’t certain before, but he’s even more, completely, totally sure.

He really wants this to go well. Not just nicely, either. He wants Hinata to have the perfect date with him.

But he has no idea now how he’s supposed to make that happen. The date didn’t start off the way he thought it would. It’s not going the way he thought it would.

Hinata’s not acting the way he thought she would…

Instead, she’s acting the way she’s always been.

Has it been so long since he hung out with her? That he forgot how easy it is to just be with her...no need for plans or strategies...that whatever he thought, well, Hinata makes it so much better than that? “You’re really amazing,” he sighs out.

She shakes her head, believing him to be exaggerating over nothing. “Everyone knows how much you love their ramen, Naruto-kun.” She peeks up at his gaze, glad to see that he seems slightly more relaxed than earlier.

The storefront comes into view.

“I really did expect that we would be going here tonight,” she continues. “My heart’s been prepared, I was thinking about this all afternoon,” she laughs, breezing over the fact that it wasn’t really Ichiraku, but spending time with Naruto, that was on her mind.

He perks up at her giggle. “My heart never even needs to get prepared, I could walk here in my sleep!”

She nods, knowing full well that he probably already has. “Have you come in the middle of the night before?”

He raises his brows, grinning a What do you think?, and she laughs as they take seats at the counter of the familiar establishment. “Hinata, I’ve come here at every single hour, if not every single minute, on the clock.”

She considers that his obsession sounds a little worrisome, but it’s also just so him. “That’s impressive!”

“Yeah, it is,” he brags, proud of being a round-the-clock customer.

Ayame comes over to them, cheerily smiling. “Naruto, Hinata, welcome!”

“Ayame-neechan, long time no see!”

“It has been a long time, hasn’t it? Now, what shall I get for you two?”

“I’ll get the large miso ramen with extra char siu.”

“I would like the same thing, please.”

His eyes widen, and he turns to stare at her.

“Got it! Please wait for just a moment,” Ayame promises before hurrying off.

Hinata notices his shock, understands that it probably has to do with her order, but she still asks, “Ah, yes?”

He clutches his jacket over his heart, incredibly thankful to be here with her. “You’re really amazing,” he reiterates, not knowing how else to articulate himself.

She hesitantly explains, “I had all afternoon to think about what I’d want.”

He nods, recalling the last time they ate here together, just the two of them. “I almost forgot how much you can eat.”

She blushes, knowing it’s not exactly the most ladylike thing, but to the utmost of effort, they came all this way here, she might as well take the opportunity to eat. “I-I thought it would be better if I just get the large serving this time instead of smaller servings.”

“Yeah, Hinata, I love it,” he bluntly states. Then repeats as realization hits him, “I love it.”

Shyness freezes over her, and she timidly looks up at him. She can remember the last time they came...

He expressed enthusiasm about her order for another serving, saying, “Wow, you’re eating a lot, Hinata!”

And she fumbled out in excuse, “I guess I’m just hungry…” She actually just wanted to extend their time together.

He smiled widely, bright-eyed, excited, and eagerly ordered more for himself, too.

But this time, he carries that serious expression from earlier and leans down, ducking his head to be eye-level with her. “Hinata, I love you.”

She can see vulnerability there, a precious, precious balance of uncertainty and trust. Bare and unaffected. He really means it. Even at such a sudden moment as this, or maybe because it’s in such an inconsequential, unplanned moment, she knows he means it. He really wants her to know it. Emotion wells up, leaving no room for air, she can’t breathe, she can’t speak.

He straightens, starting to wonder at her silence, beginning to notice that he was expecting a response.

What he was expecting...the lack of anything empties him. “So uh Shino wants to become a teacher?”

She blinks at the sudden topic. She can’t let this happen again. Kiba was right. She hesitantly pulls on the sleeve of his jacket and draws herself closer.

Otherwise he won’t be able to hear her over the hammering in her heart.

She averts her eyes, feels the blush spreading over her face, and whispers, “I love you.” She squeezes her eyes shut for a second and lets an easing breath out.

This somehow felt so much harder than her confession two weeks ago at his bedside, but the accompanying fluttering warmth here is much, much nicer.

She settles back in her seat. Her gaze flicks up to his.

He smiles shyly, his pulse resetting double the pace as color floods his being.

He didn’t quite realize it, he had no idea how wonderful it would feel to hear those words returned to him.

He just carelessly tossed a part of himself out to her, expecting something, not knowing he expected those words, that exact piece of her given in exchange.

And it glows in him.

She can see it, just as much as she can feel the same blossoming within her. She thinks that if only he could see himself, he would see how beautiful he really is. She realizes she can’t let him get away without knowing she was being honest. If she needs to work on letting him know how much she values him, she’s the one who needs to prove herself to him, not the other way around... “Naruto-kun,” she whispers. She can feel herself growing even warmer. “I really do think you’re beautiful.”

Sudden self-consciousness grips him, and he focuses on her.

But she doesn’t let his puzzled expression deter her, not this time. “Your smile is beautiful. Your determination is beautiful.” She looks away, down at the counter, as her bashfulness fights against boldness. “Your laugh, and your bravery, and how you treat everyone...I think everything about you is beautiful.”

She timidly looks up to see his reaction, but he’s looking away now. A hand works obvious discomfort from the back of his neck.

It reminds him of Rumi’s blind admiration. Hinata doesn’t set him up on a pedestal, too, does she? She’s always been kind to him, built him up in ways that others haven’t, but still...

“You are,” she whispers again, wondering now if she was too forward.

Certainly she thinks so...she actually wasn’t joking earlier...but he knows better about himself. He shines a quick smile at her. “Thanks.”

She can tell he’s deflecting. After all the times she’s done that with Susumu, of course she would know. She tries to think of a way to respond when a cry of “Oh, isn’t that Naruto-senpai!” and hushed murmurings behind them catch her attention.

“I haven’t seen him in so long!”

“Should we go over and talk to him?”

“It looks like he’s with someone, though?”

“That’s not Rumi.”

“Didn’t they break up?”

“I think so--”

She shuts them out, second-guessing how “hushed” they’re actually trying to be. They want him to notice, don’t they...

He hears them, and Hinata’s uncertain look doesn’t quell his worries. Bringing up Rumi? Here? Now? The last person he wants Hinata to think about? “Sorry,” he mumbles out.

“Oh, no,” she denies. She should’ve expected this. Like they said, she’s not Rumi…someone who successfully made her status very public in a short amount of time...approved by the general crowd for her cute and bubbly demeanor...

The girls continue talking, his anxiety climbing as their voices get louder with their approach. He makes to stand. “Maybe I should...” deal with them?

Hinata’s eyes dart to him, silently wishing that he wouldn’t pay them any attention.

It strikes him through. “I’m not leaving! Hinata, I just don’t want them to bother us!”

She nods, biting her lips, surprised that he overreacted. “I understand.”

He hesitates, looking closely at her. “I’ll be right back, I promise.”

Once he catches the renewed faith in her eyes, he smiles, sealing his word. He hurries out past the curtain, to the group of girls’ great excitement, and he recognizes them...

“Good evening, Naruto-senpai~” Ahh, he should know her name.

“Are you busy?” That girl..he’s supposed to know her name, too.

The four gather around him, and he can’t quite establish any personal space. “Yeah, I’m busy right now.” They frown and sigh, then try to invite him out with them anyway.

In the past, he’s given in, having nowhere better to go necessarily. That’s not close to the case now. “I’m sorry, I’m on an important date.” He angles his body back toward Hinata.

They immediately quiet as their eyes dart to the girl, amongst each other, back up to him with much less giddiness in their gazes.

“I see, so sorry to interrupt!” one apologizes, and he thinks that’s pretty nice of her.

“We just wanted to say hi,” another says.

He smiles and nods, tries to steadily back away from them. “Good seeing you guys!” He gives a wave, hopefully finalizing the end of this exchange.

As soon as he sees them nod, hears them mumble out goodbyes and next times?, he blasts an appreciative grin and completely turns around.

Slipping into the seat next to Hinata has the same sense of completing a mission. He did it, and hopefully that didn’t take too long. He studies her...she’s not looking at him.

“I’m sorry...” she murmurs apologetically.

Sorry?

“Maybe you would’ve liked to-”

“No!” he interrupts, catching on almost too late. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry for all of that, for making you wait.”

She shakes her head firmly. “No, you were really fast, but you could’ve talked to them for longer if you liked.”

It seems he also forgot how stubborn she is. “...I didn’t want to talk to them. I just want to talk to you.”

Her cheeks pinken. She frowns, brows furrowing.

“This, our date, it’s really important to me, okay?”

She turns even redder and nods. “This is important to me, too.”

He smiles, satisfied. “So tell me about Shino! He really wants to be a teacher? What made him start thinking about that?”

She sees how much he’s trying to reassure her, and how easily he does it, too, never holding back, even in a moment like this. He leaves no room for her to doubt herself.

So she’ll stop thinking about other girls. She’ll focus only on him. “Have you seen Shino-kun with Mirai-chan?”

“Your sensei’s baby? Mmm...no, I don’t think so...”

“He’s really, really good with her, and he’s found that he likes kids a lot. Shino-kun's always been very empathetic, very understanding, so I think he relates to them easily.” She goes on to tell him about Shino’s expectations for the education course, and Naruto tells her about the times he’s visited Iruka’s class to assist or demonstrate. The kids he’s met and their terrible antics.

The conversation is easy, interesting, and Hinata marvels at how none of it feels forced.

She doesn’t have to count his good points.

She doesn’t have to add up everything she admires about him.

It’s so easy to talk with him, it’s so, so cute to see him joyfully eat his ramen, and it’s just so incredible to smile at him and receive his smiles in return.

His soft gaze is indescribably warm. Happy. The way she’s looked at him for so long…

To feel that from him, directed at her, it’s almost too much…

But she wants this. She wants all of it. To feel so free to look at him. To let her affection for him show in her gaze. To not have to put a cap on her love, bottle it up inside and hope none of it spills.

“Be careful,” she had told herself. But how? How can she possibly be careful? How can she possibly withhold all the love she’s been hurting to give him for so long?

She doesn’t want the night to end.

But eventually, they’re walking side-by-side back to her place, slowly, slowly, until there’s no more distance left to keep.

She faces him and smiles with as much appreciation as she can show. “Thank you for walking me home.”

“Yeah, no problem.” He has no idea how the night ended so quickly when all they did was eat. Usually at this time, rather than only just finishing dinner, he’d be seeing Rumi off after all of the fooling around at his place-- Simply spending time with Hinata is even better than any of that perverted stuff. “Did you have fun tonight?”

She nods and hums her affirmation. “I did. Thank you for everything.”

His hands ache in his jacket pockets to hold her, but he’s going to be considerate even if it kills him.

“Did you have fun, Naruto-kun?”

He nods. “Yeah, I can’t believe how fast the time passed. It already got so late.”

“Mhm.” The fluttering feeling she’s felt all night continues unrelenting. “I didn’t notice how late it got, either.” Only now does the dark silence of the late night seem to close around them. Only the chilling wind creates a stir, but she failed to notice that, too.

He studies her cute, shy smile, can hardly believe that she enjoyed herself as much as he did. “Can we meet up again soon?”

“I’d really like that.”

“I don’t have a mission tomorrow.”

“Me, neither.”

“Then, tomorrow? I can come by around 11?”

“Okay.”

They both realize that the night is over. The only thing she has left to do is turn around and head inside.

But she wonders if that’s not good enough.

She knows this was never good enough for Susumu. And is this good enough, perfect enough, for herself?

She casts her eyes down, unwilling to let him see the wavering of her nerves.

She takes two steps, closing the space between them, and mercifully, he doesn’t back away. Carefully, she leans into him a bit, his body warmth flushing her entire system hot.

He only just gets his hands out of his pockets to touch when she backs up, his hands left mid-air.

She’s staring at him with the funniest, shyest expression he’s ever seen. “Good night, Naruto-kun. Thank you for tonight.”

But he’s still trying to process the one-second hug. “That’s not fair,” he accuses before his brain can catch up with his mouth.

“Hm?”

“You-” He bites his lip, remembering that he wasn’t supposed to rush her. But what’s he supposed to do with this? How could she do something so cute and innocent?

...How innocent is she?

And with that wondering burning a small pit of jealousy in his gut, he turns his hands, showing her how she left him hanging. “...Will you let me?”

She fidgets but nods, not making eye contact. She takes one step forward, and that warmth surrounds her, his hands at her back, gentle. She thinks she’s never felt anything nicer, warmer, so intimate.

To be so close to the one she loves, it’s different.

To touch the person she’s longed to touch, it’s unreal, a waking dream. The slight rise and fall of his chest as he breathes--isn’t that alarmingly amazing? She’s too happy. This is what she’s wanted for so long, what she didn’t want to share with anyone else. How could she have dared to force herself to touch another man?... Well, she didn’t know this would ever happen. “Naruto-kun…”

“Hinata?”

“I love you.”

He squeezes her a little closer, the intimacy of her words and body turning his face hot. Three times now, "I love you", and each time feels sweeter than the last. “I love you, too, really.”

“Mm.” It’s impossible for her to distrust his word. She tightens her grip, savoring him for one more second, breathing in his warmth, before letting go and stepping back.

She can barely look at him for how happy she is, but he’s smiling with a softness that’s as smushed up as her feelings.

He’s so beautiful.

“Good night, Naruto-kun,” she manages to breathe out.

“Good night, Hinata.” He watches her step away, give him a final, gorgeous smile, and then disappear behind the gate.

And suddenly, he’s left alone with only his heartbeat thudding out the slipping memory of her form.

It was too perfect.

He somehow messed up at the beginning, and then those girls interrupted the start of their dinner, but everything after, everything, just being with her, and then holding her, it was all perfect.

She was perfect.

When he was with Rumi, every moment was new and strange, and so he thought that’s how it must be.

Yet with Hinata? Familiar. Warm. Easy.

So comforting.

The whole night was dazzlingly wonderful. He could sprint the rest of the way home with how great he feels, give outlet to the elation jumping beneath his skin, and exclaim his delight to the stars in rushing breaths.

But he walks, choosing instead to wallow in his happiness and count his blessings quietly. The last thing he wants to do is tempt fate to twist up his fortunes and slide him backwards like he so rightly deserves.

One wrong move, and the universe might find him unworthy of its favor.

So he makes sure to arrive on-time again the next day.

When she steps out to meet him, she looks completely different, something about her demeanor, something about her smile. It’s not the clothing or her hair. Something softer? She’s not quite the daring warrior who stood at his side in the war, who protected him in battle, who’s sealed his tenketsu in spars or had dirt streaking her arms and legs after a mission. She’s not guarded at all.

She’s just...

This Hinata is somehow...

Still, warm familiarity flutters and warms him all over. It’s still Hinata, but this Hinata is only for him. He just wants to protect this. Rather than selfish, this feeling is purer than a kiss from the sun on a breezy day.

He used to feel a kind of self-gratification, a proud slickness that settled in his gut, when he walked around with Rumi. Each date felt like an accomplishment, each step closer to her an affirmation of his growth.

The comparison is a sickening damper on his mood, and he doesn’t dwell on his ex as they head onto the shopping arcade. “Have you tried that new game center people have been talking about?” he asks.

She shakes her head. She doesn’t mention that she assumed it was entertainment for kids, but they are not too old, yet, right? She can see some young teenagers crowding around machines inside the center. “Have you?”

“No…”

“It looks fun,” she observes aloud, noting machines filled with plush toys, screens with small dancing visuals, and the obvious tension stringing groups of friends to stay glued to their games.

He grins. “Shall we go in?”

And she nods, pleased that she read his hidden curiosity correctly.

They investigate one of the machines that advertises its mission simulation in neon lettering. A pixelated little man jumps around the screen, dodging what they imagine must be flying kunai and leaping across trees. Naruto tentatively hits a round button and the screen changes, names of people scrolling upwards. He taps a different round button and the screen shifts to instructions.

“How do we play this thing?” He jabs at a few more buttons randomly, and the words Insert Coins flash at the top.

“Um…” Hinata looks down at the rest of the machine. “Over there.”

They peer at the slot.

“Okay…” Naruto opens his wallet and slips coins in until the machine makes a startling amount of music. He stands up straight, suddenly realizing he has no idea how the game works. He hits a button, and the man jumps.

“Maybe these buttons make you move forward,” Hinata guesses.

He presses it and the man starts running.

“Oh, jump!” Hinata exclaims as a gap in the trees appears.

He hits the button to jump, and the man leaps up…

And falls in the hole.

Game Over flashes obnoxiously red on the screen.

They stare at it for a second, dumbfounded.

“What?!” Naruto argues. “Why did he jump in the hole?! Let’s try again.”

“Yes, try again,” Hinata encourages.

On a second try, he gets the timing of the trees, but only makes it to the flying kunai. “Whaaat!” he groans. He fishes out more coins and feeds them into the machine. “You wanna try this? Maybe you’ll be better than me,” he laughs.

“I think I know what to do.” She takes over and manages to get past the obstacles.

Naruto cheers her on throughout her play, then goes silent when she comes up against another little figure. He watches her throw shuriken at it, and eventually, the figure disappears. In its place poofs out a scroll, which her character seems to collect.

The game alerts them that she made it to level 2, where she promptly gets knocked out by a swinging log.

“Ah.” She watches the screen mock her in giant lettering and hears the intense music fizzle out. “Oh well,” she sighs.

“You made it to the next level!” he congratulates her. “Do you want to try again?”

She considers it for a second. She gets the feeling that she could be really good at this game if she kept playing, but then Naruto might get bored. “Maybe let’s look at the other games?”

“Hmmm.” He scans around the room and sees one that two people seem to be playing. “Maybe we can try something like that?”

“Oh, we can play together!” she happily observes.

“Yeah, looks like it.”

They settle on one that’s much simpler and less realistic, playing as two mice trying to collect as many blocks of cheese as possible without getting eaten by cats in a maze-like setting. It’s surprisingly harrowing, living the life of mice, and they both cry out in horror, then laugh, when a cat finally corners them.

He watches the smile bunching her cheeks and honestly feels relieved to see that she’s enjoying herself as they try out the different games. The new game center was a spur of the moment idea, and he didn’t actually think she would be interested. He’s pretty certain that Kanae and Rumi would not have been too keen on playing games that seem to be marketed for children.

When they finally decide to stop and get lunch at Ichiraku, they discuss the new experience, marveling at the technology.

“It’s like a television, but you can interact with it!” Hinata considers aloud. “I wonder how they did that?”

Naruto nods with equal fascination. “They had all kinds of games, too. Technology’s really changed in the past couple of years, hasn’t it, like people can have their own video recorders now. Makes you wonder what they’ll come up with next, you know.”

She blinks in surprise. Because actually, she hadn’t wondered about what will happen next. “Hmm…”

“Like that video game we played with the ninja character. Maybe they’ll make technology for shinobi.”

She tries to imagine what they could possibly need, but comes up empty. “...Like what?”

He shrugs. “Maybe different tools or medic-related things? I have no idea,” he laughs.

“Hmm… Technology that could make our work safer somehow would be nice.”

“Yeah. Or make communication faster when we’re on the job. There’s a lot of things we can do to ensure more safety for shinobi. Technology might be the key to that.”

She hums in thoughtful agreement. “You’ll be a great Hokage, Naruto-kun.”

He draws out of his musings and looks at her. His lifelong dream is more believable to the general public than it ever was before, but it’s still surprising to hear that kind of simple confidence in him.

She just took a mouthful of ramen, so she can’t do much to address his look. She tries to give him a closed-lipped smile and swallow as quickly as she can. “You’re always thinking about the future for us.”

“Oh,” he murmurs, inexplicably shy when usually he'd be peacocking at the recognition. Dazed, he slurps up more of his ramen to fill the silence.

She watches him eat through his blush, and she’s glad that at least this time, he’s taking her compliment without argument or deflection.

She sees that slowly but surely, they’ll grow more comfortable in each other’s presence. She looks forward to the day when he’ll acknowledge all that she sees in him. When that day will be exactly, she doesn’t know. Around 10 years worth of admiration and love would be a lot for anyone to take on, but she’ll do her best to convey all of it to him. In words and action.

So she lets herself enjoy his careful hug at the end of their date. It’s still daytime, and anyone could see them, but it’s still just as amazing as the night before. “Today was fun, Naruto-kun. Thank you.” She readies her heart for the separation, committing his warmth to memory, and steps back.

“Thank you, Hinata. I had a lot of fun, too.” He already misses her. He can’t wait for the next time, but… “I’ll see you when I come back from my border patrol.”

She nods. “Be safe.”

His heart grows heavy, the knowledge of a perfect date coming to an end disappointing. “You, too, if you get called for a mission in the meantime.”

“Of course.” She smiles to make her promise with confidence, and she can see his promise to return safely in his eyes, too.

In any downtime, he finds himself musing on Hinata. He’s eager to see her smile, hear her laugh, and hold her again. And supposedly she’s returning from a mission today after another week apart.

So he weaves through the busy throngs of people as he heads to the Hokage’s Office. He’ll be helping with some administration duties, and if he’s lucky, he’ll get to see her while he’s there.

He enters the spacious lobby, and instead, his hopeful look around lands on a small brunette.

Rumi with her team.

He hasn’t seen her since that awful night. Eyes averted, he walks past them with as normal a rushed gait as possible to the stairs.

“Naruto.”

And he stops, her voice, once so intimate to him, freezing him in anxious guilt. He turns back to see her.

Her gaze is steely, slightly pinched with a look akin to anger, but he’s not sure. Distrust? Hatred? Any of those is what he deserves.

But he doesn’t have any idea as to why she would call out to him. “Rumi,” he murmurs.

And she grimaces. She strides forward, leaving her teammates sides, who are both in unfriendly stances toward him. She takes an obvious breath as she looks up. Her brows furrow, and he realizes, he’s the enemy. “I want to hear it from you.”

He waits for clarification.

She takes another breath. “You’re dating...Hinata-san.”

He watches how she doesn’t cry, she doesn’t look at all broken like that night. She’s hard, defenses up, prepared for his blow. It’s relieving, while simultaneously condemning him even more on his folly. He misjudged her strength. “...Yeah,” he quietly affirms.

He hears the doors open, and he looks up.

It’s Team 8.

He sees Hinata’s bewilderment at the situation, how her eyes widen, her pace slows.

“You’re the worst.” Rumi’s voice, scathing.

He looks back to her, alarmed by such an unfamiliar tone from her.

Her eyes squint with obvious scorn. She shakes her head. “I can’t believe you. I really-” She takes a step back. “You disgust me,” she gasps out. She turns around, rejoins her team, and walks out without hesitation.

He stands there stunned. He can’t bring himself to acknowledge Team 8’s uneasy presence, he can’t look at Hinata.

“We’ll go turn in our report,” Kiba murmurs.

Kiba and Shino leave.

He wishes she didn’t see that. Then he could at least try to pretend this never happened, suppress this memory like everything else he does when it comes to Rumi. He just wants to do better, be better. Move on. He doesn’t want Hinata to see what a disaster he’s been in the past.

She draws closer, though unsure of what to say. She can make a good guess as to why Rumi said those things to him. From what little Naruto told her at the hospital and what Sakura told her after, it seems like he broke up with Rumi so that he could be with her. If she didn't know that, then of course Rumi would be hurt to find out… “Naruto-kun?” she whispers.

He finally glances at her, surprised to see only concern in her eyes. “Sorry…” He doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for, he just feels like he should.

“No…” She tries to dig for words to set him at ease. It’s obvious his break-up was bad, much messier than her own. And as far as she knows, he broke up with Rumi only about a month ago, or even less, for about the time that they’ve been together. Was their relationship just too soon? What can she say?

“...I’ll talk to you later, Hinata…”

“Oh, okay.” She watches him run up the steps and disappear. Is it her place to follow? Or is this where she needs to give him space?

She decides to do what she must do. First, she goes to report in with the Hokage and help her team. Then after she’ll go looking for him, at least to tell him that she’s available.

He hurries to the Analytics Office to log data with Shikamaru. He can bury himself in work, be productive at the same time, and hide from humiliation.

He was such a fool to date Rumi. If he had never dated her, he would have never made such stupid mistakes, hurt her, wasted her time, wasted his own time, made Hinata wait, made Hinata date that guy, made himself sick and jealous. If he had just figured out Hinata’s feelings sooner, or if he had figured out his own feelings sooner.

If he had been smarter or more mature.

If he hadn’t been so foolish...

She hovers in the doorway, hesitant to bother him, when he seems to be ignoring her. But she finally steps in, making her presence obvious.

He looks up, surprised. “Hinata...Sorry, I can talk to you later…I need to help Shikamaru with all of this.”

She nods, wondering if she should have given him more space. He already promised to talk to her later after all, and so maybe she didn’t need to go looking for him.

“How annoying,” Shikamaru groans, looking up from his journal. “I don’t need help.” He looks pointedly at Naruto. “No need to put on a professional front, you missed her, right? You can thank me later.”

Naruto gapes at his friend. His excuse from confronting his stupid life taken away, just like that. “There’s still a lot left.”

“Just go.”

“But I’ve only helped for less than a hour.”

“You can just come back after.”

“I-it’s okay, Shikamaru-san.” Each of Naruto’s protests tears at her a little. If he needs more time away from her, then she should give that to him. She didn’t realize that she’s been getting spoiled by the last two dates. “I didn’t mean to bother, I just wanted to tell Naruto-kun that I’m free this afternoon.”

He can feel the emotional distance he’s putting between them, but it just feels like the right thing to do for now. His mind is so scattered with regret. He wishes he never dated Rumi. He wishes he never got so full of himself. He wishes he wasn’t so stupid, so disgusting, the worst. “...Sorry, Hinata, I don’t want to leave Shikamaru with all of this.”

“I understand.” She smiles to show that she really does. “Both of you are working really hard. I’ll be checking in at home, then, okay?”

Her smile cuts him. He’s obviously not doing the right thing, but what is the right thing in this case? “Alright, I’ll see you later, Hinata.” He watches her turn away, disappear from view. But for now, just for now, he can’t talk to her. She said she understands, right? Can she tell that he doesn’t know what to do or say?

“What a drag. If you’re going to look so forlorn, then why the hell are you staying here?”

His gaze darts to his friend. “I’m not ‘forlorn’!”

Shikamaru presses his hand to his forehead, like he might have a headache. “I don’t want to ask. I’m asking anyway. What happened? You missed her all week, didn’t you?”

“...Yeah.” He frowns at the desk, not wanting to talk about this at all.

“...And?!”

“...And I saw Rumi downstairs.”

“...So?”

“Hinata saw us.”

“........So?! Isn’t that more reason to make sure that Hinata didn’t get the wrong idea?”

Naruto sits up, confused.

“Or are you thinking of breaking up already and going back to Rumi. Is that what happened?”

“No!” He stands, indignant at the suggestion. “Of course not!”

“Then why didn’t you want to talk to Hinata? She just came back from her mission.”

All of the fight drains out of him. “...I don’t know what to say.”

“That’s not like you,” Shikamaru intones. “Out of all of the times to choose to think first and act later, you’re choosing now to hesitate?”

“What do you mean? I just don’t know how to act! Rumi said some stuff in front of everyone, and it was really bad, embarrassing. I’m not hesitating!”

“What did Rumi- No, it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to say or act anything special, Naruto. You should at least just greet Hinata properly.”

“...You’re right.”

“Of course I’m right. Get out of here already,” he sighs.

“Yeah. Sorry, Shikamaru.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he says carelessly and waves him off.

He runs out of the building, and it doesn’t take long at all to catch up. “Hinata!”

She turns at his voice, surprised, but glad. “Naruto-kun!”

He walks in pace with her, energy falling just as quickly. “I’m sorry.”

She frowns. “No? There’s nothing to apologize for. I-I’m sorry for bothering you, I didn’t mean to be impatient.”

“No, I’m sorry for...earlier, and just now...”

The sight of Naruto and Rumi’s confrontation bothered her, but she doesn’t think she should push him about it. She’s not sure it’s her place to ask what happened. But she does want to know if… “Are you okay?”

He shrugs. “Yeah.” He still feels shitty about all of it, but it’s not like Rumi said anything untruthful. He already knows he’s the worst. And at least there’s some reprieve in knowing that...that he disgusts her…

She tries to assess his serious expression. Should she ask? Should she give him space? Do people talk about their exes with their new partner? In the past, he just talked about Kanae without any curiosity on her part, so she’s never had to ask before. “...Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

She nods silently.

“Ah!!” he shouts in realization. “I didn’t go up to her myself or anything like that, Hinata! She asked me if I was dating you, and I said yes, and then..yeah.”

She stares for a second, surprised by his sudden outburst, but she nods even harder. “I...I kind of thought so.”

He lets out a quiet sigh of relief. He realizes that Hinata could have interpreted everything differently. Like Shikamaru said, she could have suspected he approached Rumi first. But she didn’t. She trusted him. Out of her forgiveness, he somehow didn’t ruin the faith she’s putting into their new relationship. He can't take her patience for granted. He needs to try harder. He needs to do better for Hinata.

He stops in his tracks.

Noticing that he’s not keeping up, she turns around. “Naruto-kun?”

“You know that I’d never cheat on you, right?”

The thought hadn’t occurred to her at all.

“You know that my...previous relationships...don’t compare to this, how I feel for you?”

She feels a blush rise. “...Naruto-kun...you said something similar before…” Of course she didn’t forget!

“I’m sorry I dated them, I wish I never dated them. I wish I realized my feelings for you earlier, and I wish I only had had you this whole time.” The regrets that clamored about his mind rush out, and in his vulnerability, he watches, afraid that he’s only reminding her of his mistakes. Where does she draw the line in her patience? In her forgiveness?

“N-Naruto-kun,” she stutters out, flustered, “I didn’t think you were cheating on me.” It’s true that at the start of their relationship, she told herself to be careful, but he’s since given her the same concentrated attention that he would to a mission. She hasn’t once felt like his affection is a lie.

“Hinata…”

She nods. She swallows down the butterflies. “I get to be with you now, and I’m very happy. I’ve never been happier. So, don’t worry about me.”

Her warm smile sets him at ease. How fortunate is he to have someone like Hinata willing to deal with him? And on top of that, be happy about it? “I hope I can keep you happy. I’ll make sure you’re happy all the time.”

Her expression scrunches up. She doesn’t know whether to smile or reprimand him for such silly yet earnest promises. She can’t handle it. She shakes her head, and looks down. “Naruto-kun, that’s too much.”

Too much? “No, it’s not. It’s my job as your boyfriend.” If she’s not happy with him all the time, then she’ll leave. It’s the very least of his duties!

She meets his gaze again, slightly perplexed. “This isn’t your job, please don’t think of this as your job. When it’s us, it’s just us. Of course, I want to make you happy, too, Naruto-kun, but happiness is something we do together, right? We’re a team?”

“A team…”

“If we have bad days, or if we ever disagree on something, we work through it together, and we come out happier together.”

“Bad days? I’ll never let you have a bad day, Hinata!”

“W-what!” she laughs.

“I’ll protect you from everything bad, and we’ll never fight or argue or anything like that!”

“Naruto-kun!” she protests.

He knows it sounds silly, but he means it. “I never want to make you sad or mad.” ...It strikes him that he’s made this promise before, truly believing he would hold his end up. And he didn't, his words far lighter and more easily broken than he could have ever realized of himself. Now, a heavy shame he doesn't even know how to hold.

“I never want to make you sad or mad, either." She wonders at his sudden downcast expression, if he's still thinking about Rumi, and if he always puts so much pressure on himself for his relationships. She doesn't want to be another weight on his shoulders. She just wants to see his smile. "If you’re happy, then I’m happy.” She gazes up at him, hoping he sees that she needs nothing else.

Before her, his past guilt is forced back so easily. Everything with Hinata is so easy. He would have never known. He hurt Rumi for a reason, he broke that promise because they both have better things to move on to. Each moment with Hinata affirms his decision. No matter how selfish it was, if Hinata's happy, then it was worth it. She makes everything worth it. “I’m happy if you’re happy, too.”

Pink fills her cheeks as her smile brightens.

“Thank you for being my teammate, Hinata.”

She can’t help fidgeting from his sweetness. “Thank you for being my teammate, Naruto-kun.”

He lets her returned affection settle in, calm the vestiges of his anxiety. He’s constantly afraid that he’s going to mess up, but Hinata makes it seem as if he’s been doing fine this whole time.

It makes him hopeful that they will last. Past one month, today, tomorrow, next month, next year. This is only the start, but he’s already made so many promises to make up for everything he's lacking.

At the very least, he needs to prove his word is worth her faith.

That he has love, the real thing, behind each of his pitiful apologies.

He wants to start giving, not always receiving. Even if she says she's already happy, he knows he can do so much more. But how?

#white lilies #naruhina fanfic #naruhina angst #romance #canon divergent au #hanahaki #no the last #naruhina fanfiction #finally #only one more chapter of this fic and i'm done #thank you for reading!!

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roseherondale · 4 years

Text

Helpless

Summary: When a mysterious faery illness affects Kit, Tessa and Jem look after him. However, there is a more sinister reason for it, and Jem is forced to act.

Word Count: 6044

Warnings: N/A

Read it on AO3 here

When Tessa had first heard the news of a faery sickness spreading through the Shadow World, her first thought was of Kit. He had been in New York with Jace and Clary a week before the news begun and since he had returned, she had kept their little family safe in Devon. As the sickness was concentrated in the Faerie Realm, the Shadowhunters hadn’t found out about it until long after it started, when Kieran fell ill, and Christina and Mark notified Jia.

Due to their secretive nature, the symptoms and treatment of the sickness were unknown, and Kieran had remained ill. Magnus had immediately started work on a cure, his need to protect fellow Downworlders stronger than their warnings to not get involved. The faeries were proud and refused help from warlocks, believing that they could find the cure themselves.

One evening, she was curled into the sofa, baby monitor perched on the table beside her, and a book in her lap. They had already put Mina to bed, and Kit had long since retreated to his room, when Jem entered the living room. Looking up, she noted that his face was drawn, and he looked older and worn. Immediately, she sat up straight, her heartrate rising.

“It is not just full-blooded faeries affected. I just got off the phone with Emma and she said that both Mark and Helen Blackthorn have it. She said that Christina was distraught, and this was after she had made sure Mark was nowhere near Kieran whilst she was tending to him.” His eyes were sad, shoulders slumped as he sat beside her, and she leant into his side, under his arm.

“This means that Kit could catch it.” She pointed out, heartbeat and panic rising. “We need to find a cure.”

“Magnus has been working on it, and so have the warlocks of the Spiral Labyrinth. All we can do is hope they find something soon.” She pulled back and cupped his face in her hands. He looked as resigned and helpless as she felt, and she placed her forehead against his.

“None of us will stop until we’ve found one.” She said, quietly, placing a gentle kiss against his lips.

<>----<>----<>

For the next few days, Tessa kept close watch on Kit. He was acting just like himself; training hard, and reluctantly studying demonic languages at the kitchen table, tongue between his teeth as he concentrated. Everything was normal, and she let herself relax. She, Jem and Magnus had come to the conclusion that Kit’s faery blood was diluted so much that he was immune to the disease but planned to keep him away from other Shadowhunters or Downworlders in case they carried it, just to be safe.

Kit had noticed the extra attention, and when he caught Tessa or Jem watching him, he would raise his eyebrows and make a sarcastic comment about them not being able to get rid of him that easily. Tessa would roll her eyes and ruffle his hair as she got back to whatever she was supposed to be doing.

The truth was, after watching Jem go through the sicknesses brought on by his yin fen addiction, Tessa couldn’t stand the thought of watching another member of her family be ill when there was nothing she could do, and after her other children dying, the thought of Kit following suit broke her heart.

Tessa had been receiving daily updates from Magnus and Catarina, and Emma was keeping Jem updated on the situation with the oldest Blackthorns and the faerie prince.

She was stood at the stove, putting the kettle on for tea. Jem had taken Mina to the village for pastries and a walk. Wiping down the counters and the table, she didn’t hear Kit come in until he moved a chair.

“Hi, darling.” She smiled, turning back to the kettle to take it off the stove. “Would you like some tea?”

“Yes, please.” His voice was croaky, and she turned towards him. Cheeks flushed, and hair tousled, it looked like he had stumbled straight from bed. He was wearing Spider-Man pyjamas and he rubbed his eyes, blearily.

“Everything okay, darling?” Tessa asked, concerned.

“Yeah, I just didn’t get much sleep last night.” She placed his tea in front of him and gently rested the back of her hand against his forehead.

“You’re burning up.” She stated, pulling the first aid kit from the cupboard and giving him a thermometer. He placed it in his mouth without any complaint and she looked away, frowning worriedly. Kit always protested when she fussed over him, and the fact that he took his temperature without causing a scene, made her bite her lip.

When it beeped, she took it from him and read the temperature. 38.4⁰C. He had a fever.

“Alright, darling. Let’s get you back to bed, you’ve got a bit of a fever; you need plenty of rest.” She helped him to his feet and led him back upstairs to his room, tucking him into bed. His eyes closed at once, and she stayed for a moment, smoothing his damp curls away from his forehead.

“I’ll just go bring you some water.” She murmured, dragging herself back downstairs. Jem had returned, and he had sat Mina in the high-chair, where she drank some juice, her pastry a mess in front of her.

“Hello, my darling.” She stroked Mina’s head, then started putting a tray together for Kit. “He has a temperature, so I’ve sent him back to bed. I hope it’s nothing, but we should maybe have Magnus take a look at him later.”

Jem nodded. “I’ll call him now; you see to our boy.” She kissed him on the cheek, feeling the familiar spark of warmth that she got whenever she was with Jem. With the tray balanced in front of her, she pushed the door open with her back and headed upstairs to Kit’s room. The tray had his tea, a jug of water and a cup, and the chocolate pastry that Jem had brought him for if he felt up to eating.

She opened the door, to see Kit in the same position she had left him. The room was dark, and she propped the tray on his bedside table, pushing the book and his phone to the side. She turned on the lamp, and a soft orange glow lit the room. Kit blinked, tiredly, and she shushed him, quietly.

“I brought you some food if you feel up to it, and something to drink.” She helped him sit up properly and propped his pillows so that he could lean against them, comfortably. Taking the water jug off the tray, she poured him a glass, and placed it on the tray on his lap.

“Thanks.” He croaked. His cheeks were worryingly red, and he looked exhausted, as if he short journey to the kitchen and back had taken everything out of him.

“That’s alright, my darling. You just eat and drink what you can, okay.” She pulled the chair from his desk to beside the bed and settled herself in it, next to him. Watching as he picked apart the pastry, she was pleased when he managed half of it, a few sips of tea and the glass of water.

“Well done, love.” She smiled, reassuringly, removing the tray from his lap and placing it back on the bedside table. Kit smiled, at her and she helped him lie back down, leaning over to stroke his hair. He sighed contentedly and closed his eyes.

By the time Jem came in, Kit was fast asleep, snoring softly, though Tessa still kept her hand carding through his hair.

“How is he?” Jem asked, in a whisper.

“He ate some and drank a glass of water. Where’s Mina?”

“I put her down for her nap; it’s already eleven.”

“Oh.” She had lost track of the time, looking after Kit. “What did Magnus say?”

“He’ll be over in an hour to take a look at him. He just said to make sure he gets plenty of rest and fluids.” Tessa nodded, distractedly. As if sensing what she was thinking, he carried on. “There’s no way of him knowing whether it’s the faerie illness without seeing him, but according to Christina, Mark’s started with a fever too.”

He placed his hand on her shoulder and she leaned into him. His thumb brushed her shoulder, soothingly, and she felt herself relax, although there was still an ache of worry in her chest.

“Why don’t you go have a break?” He asked, gently. “I’ll watch Kit, but you need to eat.”

She sighed. “You’re right, but I don’t want to leave him.”

He kissed the top of her head. “I’ll be here, and I’ll text you if anything changes.”

“Okay.” She conceded. She trusted Jem more than anyone and she knew that he would keep a close eye on their son. Standing, she bent over to place a kiss to Kit’s forehead. He stirred slightly but didn’t wake. Jem took her vacated seat as she made her way out. Pausing in the doorway, she watched her husband, stroke their son’s cheek.

<>----<>----<>

Jem was relieved that he had managed to get Tessa to leave. He knew it wouldn’t be good for her to sit with Kit all day, as, although she kept a calm exterior, he knew how much she worried. After years of being a Silent Brother, he had learnt to mask his emotions, but seeing his son sick for the first time, he was barely keeping it together. Jem’s hand had found its way to Kit’s curls, brushing them away from his face with his thumb. Kit slept soundly, and Jem couldn’t help but think that if he were awake, he would be embarrassed that he allowed himself to be loved by the people who weren’t really his parents.

They had been working hard to help Kit realise that they loved him and thought of him as a son, reassuring him that it was okay for him to be happy here with his new family, whilst still loving his old one. Johnny Rook hadn’t been a particularly good father, but he had kept Kit safe and Jem was glad of it, but now, he vowed to be the father he never was and show Kit the love he deserved but never had.

Kit groaned, pulling his arms out the duvet, and placing his head to the side.

“It’s okay, Kit. You’re safe, I’m here. Just rest, my boy.” Jem said, soothingly, continuing to rub circles onto his temple. Kit sighed, sleepily, and drifted off again.

<>----<>----<>

Tessa had taken the baby monitor from Jem, and she looked in on her daughter as she passed her room, thankfully finding her still fast asleep. She headed to the kitchen, putting the kettle over the hob and sinking into the nearest seat at the table, putting her head in her hands. Jem was right; she needed a moment. She knew that she would spend every second of the day at Kit’s bedside but was grateful for her husband that she didn’t have to.

Why did it have to be Kit? She found herself asking herself. He had been through so much in his sixteen short years of life and she wished that she could make everything better for him. They had been trying to and Kit had finally begun to feel at home with them, though it was clear he was overwhelmed at the unconditional love of their family.

Please, Will. Please, my children; my James and my Lucie. Please look after my Kit, please let him stay here with us.

She was unaware of how much time had passed since she had started her silent prayer to her family, when a knock on the door startled her. Standing and smoothing her skirt, she hurried to the entrance hall and opened it. Magnus stood there, in a shirt, violet waistcoat and jacket.

“Magnus. Come in.” Her voice shook slightly, and he took her hand.

“My dear, Tessa. Let’s see what I can do for your boy.” He said, kindly and she took him to Kit’s bedroom.

Jem looked up as they entered, smiling at Magnus, and getting to his feet to give him space to work.

“It is wonderful to see you all, but I would much prefer it to be under different circumstances. Would you wake him for me?” Magnus said, and Jem nodded, gently shaking Kit awake.

He blinked his eyes, groggily, and Jem helped him sit up, Tessa hovering at the end of the bed. Once he was settled, she perched herself at the edge and sent him a quick smile.

“Magnus is just here to see how you are.” She explained, simply. Kit nodded, then winced, but his eyes were unfocused, and Tessa wasn’t sure how much he could understand in his state.

Tessa had always seen Magnus as a gentle person. He had always taken lost Downworlders under his wings; including her after the loss of her husband and children, but the softness had amplified since he found Alec and they had children of their own. He approached Kit like he was one of them, speaking quietly and kindly, but not babying him.

“How do you feel?” He asked.

“Cold.” Kit said, “and my head hurts a lot.”

“Well you have a fever, you’re actually very warm.” He observed as he placed the back of his hand against Kit’s forehead. He winced slightly.

Turning back to Tessa and Jem, Magnus spoke again. “I think it is the faery sickness; he has the same symptoms as Mark. I am working on a cure, but it’s slow work.”

Tessa gripped her skirt, tight in her hand, but kept her face impassive. A wave of hopelessness passed over her and her heart seemed to stop. Jem placed his hand on her shoulder and spoke for them.

“What does this mean for Kit?”

“It’s likely that it will get worse before it gets better. He has such diluted faerie blood that we can only hope that it will leave him soon, but I will find a cure.” He promised, eyes glinting despite the darkness.

Kit was struggling to keep up with the conversation, his eyes slowly moving between them and blinking. Magnus gave him some water, and he sipped at it, seemingly grateful for something to distract himself with.

“Just make sure he gets plenty of fluids. I have this,” he pulled out a potion, “that might lower the fever. It works with non-magical ones but it’s a symptom, not a cause, so I’m hoping it’ll work for him. Just put two drops in a glass of water twice a day and make sure he drinks it all. Once in the morning, once in the evening, after food. He should like it; it’s lemon flavoured.”

“Thank you.” Tessa said as he placed it on the bedside table.

“I can see myself out.” He said. “I’ll keep you updated on the cure and you’ll be the first to know when it’s ready.”

“Really, Magnus, we can’t thank you enough.” Jem said, shaking Magnus’ hand.

He smiled flittingly, but his face resumed its serious expression within seconds. “You feel better, Kit.” He said, placing his hand on his shoulder. Then, he left the room.

Kit’s eyes were still open, but they were misted and unfocused. Tessa sunk into the chair that Magnus had just vacated.

“Hey, sweetheart.” She placed her hand against his forehead to find it hot and damp. “Jem, could you bring a cold cloth, please?” Kit’s eyes fluttered shut whilst he was gone, and Tessa thought he had drifted back into sleep.

“Of course.” He returned a few moments later and Tessa placed it on Kit’s forehead. He sighed, quietly.

“Thanks, mum.” He whispered; eyes still closed. Tessa’s eyes met Jem’s in a mix of joy and panic. She felt tears gather at the edges, and she did her best to blink them away. Within a few seconds, Jem was at her side, pulling her into her arms, and she muffled her cries against his chest. She pulled away, checking that he was asleep before she spoke.

“Jem, he called me mum.”

“I know.” He whispered, pulling her close again.

“Did he mean it?”

“I don’t know, my love. He isn’t well, but there is no doubt that he thinks of you that way. Perhaps one day, he will feel better about admitting things like that when he isn’t feverish.” He spoke calmly but his voice was filled with affection, and Tessa nodded, her cheek against his chest and reached up to where his hand was resting on her shoulder, taking it into her own.

“Whether he wants to refer to me as such or not, I will always be a mother to him.” She promised, turning back and letting her hand smooth out his curls.

<>----<>----<>

Jem watched them both, his face filled with adoration, until Mina’s cries could be heard through the baby monitor.

“I’m thankful she slept so long.” Jem remarked, calmly, placing a last kiss on his wife’s head, and then one on his son’s cheek to avoid messing with the cool cloth. He retreated from the room, quickening his steps once he had left.

The door to Mina’s room opened smoothly, and revealed her beautiful round face, streaked with tears as she held onto the bars of her cot, glaring at him, mournfully. Jem placed the baby monitor on the cabinet and switched it off.

“Oh, Mina mine. My dear, what is the matter?” He picked her up and held her against himself for a few moments. Her cries subsided and she snuffled, sucking her thumb into her mouth. He kissed her forehead and placed her onto the changing table to get her ready for her afternoon awake.

“Pa-pa.” She gurgled, and when he praised her and tickled her under the chin, she repeated it in delight. Looking around as much as she could from her position on the table she said “kih-kih” which was her word for Kit.

“Kit isn’t well, little Mina. He’ll be right as rain soon and will play with you again. For now, though, we must let him rest.” She grumbled slightly at his words, recognising that she couldn’t see him, but being annoyed about it. Jem felt his heart swell with love for both of his children. He knew that Kit was going to be a wonderful brother, but it still warmed his heart to see the results of him stepping into that role.

Once Mina was changed, he took her downstairs to get her a bottle of milk, when an alarm sounded through the manor. Jem looked up in surprise and Mina began to cry at the noise. Someone was trying to breach the wards.

Running to the nearest window, he looked outside and saw a battalion of faeries trying to get through. His phone was in his hand before he even thought about it, and he was running upstairs, two stairs at a time to Tessa. She met him at the door her own phone at her ear.

“Hello.” Said the person on the other end of Jem’s phone.

“Emma! We need help. Magnus will bring you here but there are faeries outside; they’re trying to break down the wards and I think they want to kill Kit.” He said, breathless. Placing Mina on the floor of Kit’s room, he pulled back the curtains to look outside. From behind him, he could hear Tessa telling Magnus to go to LA for the Blackthorns.

“Jem? Are you there?” Emma’s voice shook him from his haze.

“Yeah.”

“We’re coming, okay.” Her voice was calm, but breathless, and he knew she was running to gear up.

“Thanks, mèi mei.” He said and hung up. “They’re going to break them.” He remarked to Tessa.

“Magnus is going to get the Blackthorns, but Clary is bringing Jace and the others now.” She said.

“Watch Mina and Kit. I’ll gear up and help.” He turned to her, and she kissed him gently on the lips, her mouth warm and sweet against his.

“Stay safe, my love.” She smiled.

“And you, my Tess. Look after our children for me.” The broke apart their embrace, and Jem left, running to their makeshift armoury. He changed into gear and added seraph blades to his weapons belt, grabbing a sword and, at the last second, grabbed a cloth pouch, before heading out the door.

There was a bloodbath outside. The wards were down, and faeries were streaming into the grounds, though their friends from New York were there, creating a barrier between them and the house. He saw Clary and Jace side-by-side, her red hair loose as though she had no time to tie it up. Jem was struck by how similar Jace looked to Kit, as he always was, and turned away quickly. Alec was shooting the faeries, a few metres behind Jace. Isabelle’s hair was braided, and she swung out with her whip, pulling faeries to the ground, for Simon to stab with his seraph blades.

Before he joined them, he turned and placed a locking rune on the door and sprinkling a line of salt in front of it from the small pouch he had grabbed. It wouldn’t hold them off for long, but it was a precaution to protect his family.

He ran towards Clary and Jace and greeted them; he hadn’t known them well until Kit had come to live with them. However, Jace had made a great effort with Kit, visiting him and allowing Kit to visit the New York Institute. Jem was grateful that Jace had taken to having another person in his family, and never failed to help Kit, whether it was with training, teaching him the piano, or offering him advice, which Kit had laughed at and refused to implement.

“Is Kit okay?” Jace asked when he reached them.

“He’s with Tessa, but he’s still sick.”

“I only just found out from Magnus.” Jace said, as he dispatched a faerie of its head.

“Sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner. It’s been crazy here.” Jem said, lunging forwards, and saving Clary from what would have been a harsh blow. He felt a surge of guilt as he realised he should have texted Jace as soon as Kit had felt ill that morning.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Jace shook his head. Though, Jem was spared a response when a golden portal opened nearby. Emma was the first to come through, with Julian directly behind her, then Tiberius and Drusilla, home from the Scholomance and Academy respectively, and Christina with Magnus bringing up the rear. Christina had butterfly knives in her hands, and she threw them, one finding its mark in the back of a skull, the other in an arm.

Cortana burned bright, golden light reflecting on Emma’s hair, and Jem knew that with the extra reinforcements, they were saved.

The faeries were obviously members of the Seelie Court from their appearances, and although she was dating the Unseelie King and a half-faerie, none of them fought as viciously as Christina. Like him, she had a very personal stake in the battle, and her energy seemed to brush over him and he found himself being able to fight harder and harder.

The leader of the faeries was a tall Seelie woman with a light sky blue hair that reached her waist and was tucked behind her pointed ears. She wore a golden chest piece over a long, white dress, and carried daggers that shone brighter than any weapon Jem had ever seen.

He headed to her next, his sword held in front of him and they began to circle each other.

“What do you want?” He demanded.

“The First Heir. I come to finish what the Riders of Mannan could not.” Her voice was high-pitched, poisoned with malice and hatred.

“How do you know about them?” Jem asked, keeping his voice neutral.

“The Seelie Queen sees and knows all.”

“So, you are here on her behalf?” Jem wanted to keep her talking until he could piece everything together. She just smiled, showing a row of pointed teeth, and that was the only confirmation Jem needed.

“You’re not sick.” He observed, suddenly. The faery illness had been affecting all of them, and if she weren’t sick, it meant that the Seelie Queen could be involved.

“Astute observation, Shadowhunter.” She said, coldly.

“The Queen spread the sickness beyond her courts so that you could find the one sick Nephilim and single them out as the First Heir.” He said, understanding.

“Smart. It’s a shame your blood will decorate the grass, the Seelie Queen would enjoy your clever mind.” She twisted the knife in her hand. They were still circling one another.

“You must have a cure for it, then.” He observed, and she just frowned, annoyed that he had figured that out. “Give it to me and I shall spare you.”

“I will give my life so that the Queen can rule unchallenged.” She replied. Then, suddenly, Magnus was there, and his magic caught hold of her, twisting her tight and she cried out in frustration, her hand forced to drop the dagger.

“Who are you?” Magnus asked, and his voice was so strong; it was one of those times where Jem was taken aback by the power he possessed, even disregarding his magic.

“My name is Ailsa.” She gasped as the magic held her tighter.

“Ailsa. Do you have the antidote to the sickness?” He asked, and Jem was watching, hope blossoming in his chest. The magic squeezed her again.

“Yes.” She said, breathlessly.

“Give it to me.” One of her arms was freed, and Jem watched as she reached into her pocket. He took the bottle from her before she could consider dropping it. He took it to where Magnus was, and the others had gathered around, the rest of the faeries incapacitated or dead. Magnus waved his other hand over it and nodded. “It is the cure.” He confirmed.

Jem’s face must have showed his relief. Magnus handed it to him, along with three vials.

“Take some to your boy, some to the Unseelie King and I shall need some to replicate the rest.” He said. Once he had split them up, and pressed one bottle into Christina’s hand, and the other into Magnus’, he headed back towards the house. Alec, Jace and Julian had apprehended Ailsa and were planning to take her to the Silent City for sentencing.

As he was crossing the lawn, he heard someone behind him. He spun around, but it was Tiberius, headphones around his neck.

“Is Kit okay?” He asked.

“He should be once he’s taken the cure.” Jem said, kindly. “If you’d like to wait around, I’ll let him know that you’re here when he wakes up. I’m sure Jace will still be around.”

Tiberius’ eyes seemed to light up with the suggestion. “Really?”

Jem nodded, but felt a flicker of doubt. There was no guarantee that Kit would want to see him, after all, he and Tessa were convinced that the boy in front of him was the main reason why Kit wanted to leave the care of the Blackthorns. He left Tiberius outside, but kept the door propped open for him and the others.

When he reached Kit’s room, he called out to his wife and she opened the door, falling into his arms.

“I have the cure.” He said, and she immediately brought him to Kit’s bedside. They gently shook him awake and pulled him into a sitting position. Once he was upright, Jem rescued Mina from her position on the floor and held her close against his chest.

“You need to drink this, sweetheart.” Tessa said, her voice joyful, and Kit’s eyes blinked open. He was drowsy, and they seemed to close immediately after they were opened. Jem felt his heartbeat speed up, and he was thankful that they had gotten the cure before Kit got any worse. If it had been much longer, he may not have survived.

Kit drank the potion, and for a moment nothing happened. He rested his head back against the bedframe, and his eyes fell shut. Tessa lurched forwards and Jem followed suit, Mina in his arms. Crying out, Tessa’s hands closed around Kit’s arm and as she spoke, her voice got more and more frantic.

“Kit. Kit, sweetheart. It’s okay, darling, just wake up for us, please.” She let out a sob and continued shaking his arm and calling his name.

“Kit.” Jem croaked, feeling wetness gather in his eyes, but he made no move to wipe it away. He was staring, transfixed, at where his son lay, barely moving. “Stay, my son. You have so much waiting for you.”

There was a choked noise behind them, and Jem turned. Jace stood there, staring unblinking at his distant cousin. He moved forwards.

“Christopher, wake up.” He said, firmly, as if Kit was just ignoring their pleas. He didn’t stir. Mina began crying, and Clary, who had followed Jace upstairs, placed her hand against his shoulder, then gently pried her from Jem’s arms, and left the room. He listened as her cries got quieter and quieter the further they went.

All of a sudden, Kit coughed, sitting up. Tessa made a noise, the tears flowing freely, and rubbed his back as he heaved.

“Shh, darling. You’ll be okay. We’re here, my Kit.” When the coughing subsided, she placed a gentle kiss to his forehead, and was pleased that he wasn’t as warm as before. He blushed slightly and looked down at the duvet.

When he looked up again, he saw Jem and Jace and his brow furrowed. “What’s going on?” He asked.

“You weren’t well.” Jem said, unable to take his eyes off his son. He stepped forwards and pulled him against his chest in a gentle hug. Kit returned it and buried his face in his shoulder. After a few moments, Jem pulled away, placing a kiss to Kit’s cheek.

Jace watched them, and when Kit caught his eye, he shook his head. “You deserve fifty laps around the garden for that.”

Kit grinned. “Did I scare the all powerful and mighty, Jace Herondale?”

Jace raised his eyebrows. “Nope. The laps are because you slacked off today.” Kit just laughed, knowing Jace well enough that he knew he didn’t mean it.

“You love me.” He joked, and was surprised when Jace replied:

“I suppose I do. There’s no accounting for taste.” Kit blushed, and Jace smiled kindly, “I’ll leave you with your parents and tell the gathering of well-wishers that you’re okay.” He closed the door behind him on the way out.

Jem was grateful that Kit didn’t question Jace calling them his parents, and instead asked what he meant about well-wishers. Jem filled him in on the details of the faery sickness and the battle.

“Tiberius Blackthorn is here. He wishes to see you.” Jem watched as Kit’s face whitened. “You don’t have to, especially not today, if you don’t want to.”

“I do.” He whispered. Tessa smiled at Jem, knowingly.

“Why don’t you take a shower first and get ready. You can show him around the gardens; it’ll be good for you to have some fresh air.” Tessa suggested, and she and Jem left him to it.

When they left the door, Jem turned to Tessa and smiled. “You know exactly what you’re doing with your matchmaking.” He remarked.

“Well it’s about time someone did something.” She rolled her eyes, “I cannot deal with more angsty Herondale children.” She laughed.

“Yes, you can. They’re your specialty.” He grinned and she laughed in agreement.

<>----<>----<>

They entered the kitchen to see a group of people sat around with mugs of tea or coffee. Magnus was talking to Jace and Clary, who had Mina seated on her lap and was feeding her some mushed up bananas, and she waved when she saw them come in. Emma and Julian sat beside each other, whispering, and Tiberius sat opposite, stoically silent, playing with the cord of his headphones. They all looked up as they entered.

“Everyone else is helping with the faeries.” Clary said, cheerfully. “Glad I don’t have to drag corpses around.”

“Thanks for helping with Mina.” Tessa smiled, placing her hand on the back of her daughter’s head. She giggled but made no motion to indicate that she wanted to move away from Clary’s lap, and Tessa was content to leave her there. Emma had gotten up to pour her and Jem a cup of tea and she took it, gratefully, placing her hands around it when she sunk into a chair.

“Is Kit alright?” Ty asked, staring at the table.

“Yeah, he’s feeling much better. I’m sure he’ll be down soon.” Tessa said, reassuringly.

“We’re all glad he made a recovery.” Julian remarked.

“Thank you. How are Mark and Kieran?”

“Christina texted me a little while ago to say that they’re awake and well.” Emma said.

“What about the Unseelie faeries affected?” Jem asked.

Magnus replied. “The cure was relatively simple, I listed the ingredients and Kieran’s brother, Adaon, knew the spell, so they’re producing and distributing it now. Less work for me,” he said, stretching.

“I’m glad everything worked itself out.” Tessa remarked, kindly, and Jem placed his hand on her shoulder, the other holding her tea.

Idle conversation started around the table, and Tessa was immediately brought into recounting one of her and Magnus’ stories. During the dramatic retelling, Tiberius snuck out of the room.

<>----<>----<>

Kit hesitated on the stairs. Freshly showered, in jeans, a t-shirt and trainers, he looked normal, but he could imagine nothing worse than everyone’s attention on him. He considered going back upstairs and hiding in his room until everyone got bored and left, but he could imagine the jokes that Jace would make about that.

However, before he had to make a decision, the kitchen door opened, and Ty came out. He was just as beautiful as Kit remembered, pale skin a sharp contrast with his black hair, and eyes a stormy grey. He felt himself release a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

“Ty.” He whispered.

“Kit.” Ty looked towards him, in surprise that he was waiting outside the door. “Are you feeling better? They all say you do but…”

Kit cut him off, gently. “They’re right. I’m okay now.” Ty just nodded, but stared at him, unembarrassedly. Feeling the silence, Kit tried to make conversation. “So, how’s the Scholomance?”

“It’s good.” Ty responded.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” Kit asked. “I know a place where deer gather.”

Ty’s eyes lit up. “I’d love to.” Kit led them outside, across the back garden. He knew Tessa would be able to see them from the kitchen window, but she was smart, and he knew that when Ty had left the kitchen, she would have put the pieces together, and assumed they were together.

They passed a small stream and Kit showed Ty where he usually climbed over, using stepping-stones. Ty was meticulously careful, and being a Shadowhunter, he didn’t lose his footing at all. Kit had crossed the river more times than he could count, yet he usually slipped a little, even if he didn’t fall into the stream.

As they carried on, through trees, Kit’s heartrate began to slow. Being with Ty felt normal and relaxed now that the initial awkwardness was over and done with. When he spotted the first deer, Ty grabbed onto his arm in excitement, and the butterflies started again in his stomach. They sat on a short ridge, looking into a grassy clearing and watched the deer, their red coats glinting in the afternoon sun.

In a moment of madness, Kit reached his hand towards Ty’s and intwined them. Glancing at him once, before staring back at the deer, Ty smiled, and Kit followed suit. In that second, they didn’t need explanations or apologies; they just needed each other.

Thank you for reading - I hope you enjoyed this. Let me know what you think xxx

#kit herondale #ty blackthorn #jem carstairs #the wicked powers #the dark artifices #ghosts of the shadow market #tessa gray #jace herondale #clary fairchild #magnus bane #alec lightwood #isabelle lightwood #simon lovelace #Mina Carstairs #emma carstairs #julian blackthorn #fanfiction

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