#like i could imagine it in 2016 when i wrote this story clearly but i didn't KNOW | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

laschman · 2 years

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The visit

It's been a little over five months now and it's been going into Christmas. I have to be honest that I've been trying to avoid having to write this out, while knowing I have to the very same time. When I did explain this experience in full detail to the pastor that had wedded me and Beth together, He was very adamant on making sure that I was to write this down and document the experience before I got to the point where memories became too fuzzy.

I feel as though I have to preface this experience by stating that I was fully conscious and awake, I was not on any drugs or had anything to drink. It was by far the most intense and unforgettable experience that I've ever had my life nor will I have such an experience again. Of the time when I do tell the story it's extremely difficult for me not to become overly emotional, my hairs stand up on end, and then I can't even truly remember who I have told this experience to, how much detail, when sometimes it’s been to total strangers, other times to close loved ones and whomever in between.

My wife Beth died in the early morning of June 8, 2016. I've never loved anyone more than I loved my wife who is an amazing mother and wife to the point where words truly cannot do it justice or explain. I love her more than I love myself. She was kind, giving, no selfish bone in her body, she adored me with all of her heart and being, set the definition of the word loyal and commitment. She was my very best friend, confidante, my romantic lover, and I truly adored her with all of my being. I am not saying this out of respect for the deceased, it is the truth. I told her and wrote these things in poems and greeting cards to her.

11 days after her death in the early morning of Father's Day I was awakened by hearing her footsteps in the hallway outside the door like as if she’d been getting ready to go to work and she was wearing her fancier wooden/cork high heels that she liked. It sounded like she was coming from Penny’s room first, and from shock and disbelief I sat up to reach over and turn the light at the bed side table on.

Just before I could reach the light, I fully felt her physical body weight lay on top of me, with her head snuggled into my neck, and I could smell her hair. It was an embrace so strong and powerful that it felt like she had traveled for a thousand years through what I can’t even imagine or understand. I could feel her joy and happiness of intense love, with the satisfaction of finally reaching her goal. One never actually knows how one will react to an experience such as this from the beyond. I prided myself in thinking I would welcome this with open arms. As a side note we had promised, swore, and agreed that if one had ever have to leave the other too early into the great unknown, we would come back to visit one another. We had a great many macabre and morose conversations, as we would talk about anything and everything under the sun. But I must admit at first, the first moment was shock and terror, I remember the very first thought of mine was “Ohhhhhhh…..Whoaaaa….this is happening…..” like what you may do if you fell out of a 30 story window. Then she rested and this is when it washed over me.

True Divine Love. I could sense where she was. It made me think of how when one reads in the Bible about an angel showing up to give a message and every time the person witnessing falls to their feet in terror, then the words are uttered, fear not, then everything is beautiful and message is received loud and clear. That makes sense to me now. It was Beth my wife, I know her exact body weight and feel from being married for so long. And now I could hear her voice everywhere inside the space. When I first felt her I could not see anything in the room, but when she embraced me completely my eyes were closed. The first thing she said which has always confused me and stuck out clearly was, “Your STAR was very difficult to find, but I was able to find you as your star is in great distress.” Like a lighten beacon in the middle of the ocean. Then, “This place is massive”, and it was said in such a way I could tell so much her total amazement, and astonishment, and that my human brain was incapable to understand or fathom. It was utter joy and bliss to be together again, and I could hear her quick giggle in a sense with the type of phrase, “This is kind of frowned upon, but I made the choice to take the chance. It is 50/50 the type of an effect this can have on ones humanity, and there is a clear reason why loved ones do not visit loved ones in the afterlife, there are different forms and in different ways, but I had to hold you one last time.” She never said no visit would happen again, but I got the sense this day would be the last time of something like this. “Most often this type of experience can drive a person spiritually mad, and be torturous in years to come, but I’m risking it on trusting your faith in God and is strong and unwavering, and more so your future has the potential to go in the direction of true destruction and pain.” Then this was booming loud and clear, while at the same time, completely intertwined with total love and compassion.

EVERY THING IS GOING TO BE OK, EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOING TO BE OK, AND THE UNIVERSE IS GOING TO BE OK. With words and context of feeling underneath, God is in charge, there is purpose and reason for everything, if you could see what I see from the distance beyond human constrictions, everything makes sense and is beautiful how it is woven. I cant explain how all these messages were conveyed at once. But I could feel Heaven like an infant feels it’s mother through the umbilical cord. She was connecting to me through a barrier beyond the universe, and I was being drawn to and had total desire to be where she was, swimming in this divine love. Imagine all the addictions in our world, to fill that empty hole inside all of us. Every single one, heroine or any kind of drug, love of the flesh, love of understanding and truth, power, money, security, adventure and thrill seeking, pride, justice, and any single thing that gives us a moment of happiness. Magnify that times a million, and it still doesn't come close to this feeling and completeness of divine love.

I now understand it’s madness and why loved ones do not visit other loved ones from beyond. I will never forget this experience for as long as I live, and it is behind every thought of me, every second, of every day. When you talk to me, I can carry on in any way, talk of trivial stuff, feel deeply, and have in depth conversations, laugh and make jokes, feel others pain, feel love, feel anger and loss, talk about the future, present, or past. But just know, this one experience is on my mind all the time. To me, it’s bigger than any climbing of any mountain, traveling to any planet, having all the money in the world, any success, any accomplishment. I know what comes after this great adventure of life. Nothing here compares.

I can’t wait to go, but I’ve also got the message of purpose, and now I will never know what my future could have been, because of this visit, this possible destruction. Could be anything, suicide, total self destruction, loss of faith, true hate for everything. Grief is really a terrible awful thing, and can destroy anyone. But Beth my wife, whom I loved more than myself, changed the tide. I understand why God allowed it, and I am thankful for it. The only downside now is knowing and having to be stuck here. All these silly trivial pursuits and worries.

Last thing that was said, “If you were here or could even understand with the limits of your humanity, you would never worry a day in your life, just put your faith in God.”

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allthefilmsiveseenforfree · 3 years

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Dear Evan Hansen

You may have seen some ~online discourse~ about the film Dear Evan Hansen, an adaptation of the 2016 Broadway musical, and you might have wondered what all the hubbub is about. I mean, it’s a feel good story about a senior in high school, Evan Hansen (Ben Platt), who has some pretty severe anxiety and depression. While trying to fulfill an assignment from his therapist to write a letter to himself, his letter gets picked up by another student, Connor (Colton Ryan) - and later that day, Connor kills himself. Connor’s grieving parents and sister Zoe (Amy Adams, Danny Pino, and Kaitlyn Dever) are desperate to learn more from the boy they think was Connor’s best friend - after all, Connor’s suicide note was a letter addressed to “Dear Evan Hansen.” And, as you can imagine, Evan tells them about the unfortunate mistake and sits with them in their grief as they struggle to pick up the pieces of their lives.

Just kidding! He lies to them, repeatedly, elaborately, expansively for months, constructing an entire false friendship with Connor that never happened, and ingratiating himself into the wealthy nuclear family he never had, in large part because he wants to get into Zoe’s pants! THIS IS THE PROTAGONIST OF THE STORY. Oh, and it’s a musical so there is a lot of singing and crying and singing WHILE crying and sometimes crying and not singing at all. But the #inspiration, you guys.

Things I liked:

Pretty much everything but the story and Ben Platt’s performance. The supporting cast is stacked, and all of them do a great job at elevating material scraped directly out of a diaper worn by someone who just chewed their way through a copy of the DSM-5.

A couple of the songs are damn catchy - “Waving Through a Window” and “You Will Be Found” are standouts for a reason - and here’s the thing, Platt sings them well. But as you’ll discover, there’s a lot more to a movie musical than just singing your part.

Stephen Chbosky, the man behind every deep thought I and a lot of people in my generation had in 2006 after he wrote The Perks of Being a Wallflower, is a pretty good director. I particularly enjoyed the fanvid-type cuts in “Waving Through a Window” in conjunction with the lyrics, and his use of interstitial shots to flashbacks (and sometimes flashforwards!) is a neat little bit of shorthand that I thought was used sparingly enough to be effective.

Amy Fucking Adams. She’s holding on so hard, so desperately to the idea of who her son could have been, rather than the reality of who he was, and she is full of such deep pain that is masked by an almost endless supply of patience with Evan and relentless positivity. All this made me want was Enchanted 2 even worse than I already did.

Super into everything Zoe wears - the costuming department did a great job, and now all I want to do is live in mom jeans and baggy sweaters.

Did I Cry? I teared up a couple of times because I’m not a completely heartless bastard and when Amy Adams offered Evan Connor’s college money, my heart broke for the lie Evan had thrust upon her, and Julianne Moore’s song got me good, because she’s just a single mom to Evan who is doing her goddamn best.

Things I hated more than the time I dropped a frozen gallon container of fruit cocktail on my pinkie toe in my parents’ garage and it turned black and I thought it was gonna fall off:

Ben Platt is 28 years old. He originated the role of Evan Hansen on Broadway, so in many respects it makes sense that he plays the role in the movie, except for the one kinda sorta important thing where he looks like a wizened old crone standing amongst a sea of children doing his best twitching, cringing Hunchback of Notre Dame impression. If you want someone to convincingly play 20 years their junior, hire Paul Rudd. Otherwise, please don’t ask me to believe that this supposed 18-year-old has crow’s feet.

And that twitching nervous energy is a huge part of the black hole at the center of this film - he’s playing to the cheap seats and walking through the halls of his high school like a wet chihuahua. It’s an excruciating acting choice to watch - he doesn’t just have anxiety, he is on the verge of a nervous breakdown seemingly every second of every day. Like honestly, where is only-mentioned-never-seen Dr. Sherman, because this young man’s meds are NOT WORKING DR. SHERMAN.

There’s such a lack of self-awareness on behalf of the writing, directing, and performance by Platt. There’s one song, “Sincerely, Me,” that offers the only glimpse of commentary about what Evan is doing, by pointing out the malicious ridiculousness of him writing a series of fake emails as proof of his and Connor’s friendship.

Also what high schoolers email this much?? I know this was written in probably 2014 or so, but has a bitch never heard of a text? Even a DM? This whole plot is constructed around the premise that high schoolers are just constantly, constantly emailing each other.

Everything - and I mean EV-ER-Y-THING - about Evan’s relationship with Zoe is so creepy and disturbing that with a soundtrack change, this could easily be a horror movie. He attempts to get her to like him by describing to her all the things her brother noticed about her - oh wait, I’m sorry, all the things HE noticed about her while he was skulking in the shadows following her around for years, watching every move she made, and it ends with him singing repeatedly “I LOVE YOU” because following a girl around and never having a conversation with her or knowing her at all is love, right? This was clearly written by the same people who chose “Every Breath You Take” as their wedding song because Sting is hot and they never actually listened to the damn words.��

And it gets about 10 billion times worse when Zoe goes to Evan’s house alone, takes him up to his room, and sings “I don’t need reasons to want you” and that was the moment I was that person I hate in a movie theater and I pulled out my phone to Google who wrote the music and lyrics to the musical (we were in the back row of the theater no one was behind me THIS WAS AN OUTRAGE EMERGENCY) and of motherfucking course it was written by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul, 2 men who heard about meeting an actual human woman from a friend one time but otherwise are unfamiliar with the concept.

Lastly, enormous serial killer vibes from Evan sending unlabeled flash drives anonymously through the mail with no note in an attempt to right his wrongs. That’s not catharsis, that’s how the next installment in the Saw franchise starts, with Evan in a Billy the clown doll mask showing up on the screen and asking if you want to play a fucking game.

Also, I know it’s not possible for the narrative to justify this in a way that could be satisfying based on Evan’s actions, but what is with this thing where single working-class mom Julianne Moore is turning down rich people’s money for Evan to go to college? Like, obviously we can’t have that happen in the movie but in real life, fuck your pride! Take those rich people’s money!

I also know how movies work but nothing annoys me more than a giant group of high schoolers all getting beeps and boops to indicate text notifications all at the same time because I don’t know a single person under the age of 55 who keeps their ringer on. That shit is on vibrate AT MOST, and I feel like that’s a millennial thing.

The emotional climax of the film is obviously Evan’s WAY TOO LATE confession, but the idea that it’s prompted by Connor’s family suddenly getting a lot of internet hate is, frankly, laughable. If Sandy Hook taught me one thing, it is that no tragedy is immune from trolls who live only to cause other people devastating emotional pain on the internet. That shit starts day 1. Apparently no one involved in this production has ever been on Twitter?

Also it feels like there should have been a dog somewhere in this movie and there was no dog, so points off for that too.

Perhaps Dear Evan Hansen isn’t nearly as deep as it aspires to be. Perhaps it’s a morality play, a simplistic message of “Don’t lie, kids, lying is bad!” Major studio movies wrap themselves up with a nice bow at the end so everyone can feel good about themselves and leave with a happy ending, but the moronic cruelty on display here makes that feat feel impossible. We’re left with Evan in an orchard, reading Connor’s favorite books and staring into the big blue sky with all the self-actualization he’s earned now as a lil treat. And if Evan Hansen looked like an actual 18-year-old, it would be a lot easier to extend more empathy to him and his not-fully-developed prefrontal cortex, but it’s a little harder with this fully-grown, weathered man who was old enough to remember seeing Liar Liar in theaters.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Get some actual help and a haircut and maybe you can grow up enough to have an actual healthy interaction with any other living person, ever.

Sincerely,

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

#121in2021 #dear evan hansen #dear evan hansen review #dear evan hansen 2021 #ben platt #amy adams #kaitlyn dever #julianne moore #colton ryan #danny pino #movie reviews #film reviews

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deanwasalwaysbi · 3 years

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I've gotta say, I find the concept of Bedlund trying to Ben-Hur Jensen absolutely hysterical. I'm just imagining Jensen getting a script and being like "Ben?? What's this? Is this gay? This seems gay????" and Ben just soothing him like a frightened horse.

Hahaha - Look it wouldn't be the first time. What is this verb we're working with? Okay. Strap in everyone. The Multi-Oscar-winning 1959 movie 'Ben Hur' had a bunch of gay subtext. The writer, the director, and the second lead actor all knew that Charlton Heston's character, Ben Hur, was gay. However, one person didn't find out until the 1990s: Charlton Heston. The consensus on set was "Don’t tell Charlton, because he’ll freak out." and when Heston found out in the ninties, freak out was exactly what he did. (x) [the movie may have gotten a reference from Misha back in season 6 (x)]

Whether this happened with Jensen on SPN depends on two things.

Was the character of Dean intentionally written as Bi and, if so, at what point did that become true?

Did anyone tell Jensen? Did he figure it out? if so, when?

I personally DO believe at this point, I really do, that Bedlund - Ben Hur'd Jensen. I think it was part of the writers room but not all of it, until it was. (Which RN I believe finally happened under Dabb.) I think Jensen wasn't in on it, until he was. So for me? I think he really was in the dark at one point. But at what point that changed? Probably only he can answer that question. and RN? He ain't talking.

In the meantime we can only look at things Jensen has said on the subject - Like this unbearably ambiguous GIF set from @nikadd. Was this tongue in cheek? Legitimate ignorance? You're killing me, Jensen. That cheeky lil smile, Jensen. Nvm - I'm going to kill you instead. It's for my own survival. No hard feelings right? You understand.

UH OH HERE COMES A CUT TO HIDE A LONG DERANGED POST...

We can look at the text for number 1 - and I do that uh - a lot - see the blog name #Dean Was Always Bi

For number 2 we can look over some points when we got clues from what Jensen thought was going on [regardless of whether they make sense based on his jacting or directorial choices I guess] and get left wondering whether at any point he felt pressured to lie for his career, for self protection, or to protect the narrative from the network:

2010 - 'We're missing the gay angel' (x) (Season 5 gag reel) (x) “Sorry man, not what the show’s about.” Jared: One of the good and bads about playing the straight [non-comedic] character on the show… Jensen: What wait? I’ve been playing him so wrong

2012 / S8 - Trenchcoat - Jensen talking about how sometimes they change the lines because they're way too gay. Calls Cas a third brother

2012 - "What's Destiel?" Ben Edlund: That’s some weird shit. Jensen: Is this something that you created, Ben? Ben: You don’t want any part of that.

“Don’t ruin it for everyone now” “I still don’t know what the question was. I’m going to pretend I don’t know what the question was.”

2013 @ JIB, re Dean’s reaction to Aaron’s flirting in the season 8 episode Everybody Hates Hitler, (x)

“And the scene wasn’t written to be that kind of - I mean - It was written to be awkward. Ben Edlund wrote the - my favorite line in that scene was ‘carry on . citizen’ that was - I almost couldn’t say that with a straight face I was laughing so hard. But it was - you know - it was comedy. It was a comedic moment in the show and fortunately Dean gets a lot of the comedic moments in the show and it was just, you know, Ben was poking fun at the fact that - you know, how can we make this very kind of manly, heterosexual guy uncomfortable - uh -you know, or or have him back on his heels and throw him off his game a little bit.”

The thing is - Bedlund and Phil Sgriccia made very clear on the commentary track that THEY saw this scene as a 'romantic comedy kind of fluster' "This potential for love in all places."

Ben Edlund calling the writer’s room a boy’s club in 2013 (x)

Misha Collins telling Destiel fans they aren’t Crazy in 2013 after some executives said they were (x).

2014 Jensen says he was glad there wasn’t much Dean and Cas in season 9 - HA Hah HAH (x)

“I think the whole Cas and Dean thing has gotten out of hand” “I don’t think there’s anything secret to their relationship even though a lot of people wish there was” REMINDER - that season we got the nightstands acknowledgement and “play him like a jilted lover” and the “he dumped me James” cut and -

I certainly know that Misha and I don’t play that. SIGH. they Ben Hur'd Jensen.

2014 - the fan fiction joke - 10.05

“I didn’t have a positive reaction, The first time in I think 200 scripts I went and sat down in the showrunners office and said, ‘What in god’s name are you doing?! Why? I need to understand why this is happening.’” “[Carver] gave very eloquent answers and did a great job of explaining why we were doing what we were doing, I guess I had been aware of this ‘fan fiction’ for a while and I felt like maybe if I ignored it, it would eventually go away. When I read it in the script that is what I do for a living and is my work—I’m very protective of these characters and the story and I think we have a right to be—I wasn’t angry. I just wanted to understand why and what was the message we were ultimately sending with this script and story. By the end of it, I felt good and it gave me all the confidence I needed. It was better than I could have ever hoped.”

But then there's Jensen in 2015 talking about all of Dean’s bromances. (x) [gifs at the top] Could go either way - starting to figure it out? or No?

What had changed if anything? the entire Crowely season 10 story line? This was July 2015 - the same day as the SDCC 2015 panel where Misha talked about Destiel (x @ 13) Carver and Dabb were there -

By this time Jensen and Misha were nominated for a teen choice award for best chemistry against various tv couples (and one ensemble cast, but the award nomination did NOT include Jared) .... Misha and Jensen would go on to WIN this award one month after the panel.

At the Panel Rob and Rich ask the question: “You two have branded yourselves as TV’s greatest team since, ... idk who.... Ernie and Bert so.” [Misha says to Jensen & Jared, half not on the microphone: “I really didn’t expect them to throw us under the bus.”] “are we going to see that continue? Is the Castiel Dean relationship still aflutter and still growing as we move into season 11?” Jeremy Carver: “Ish.” [mocking from panel ensues] “Yes. Of course. I mean Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. There’s no doubt.”

Jensen Directs 11x03 and the choreo mimics Goodbye stranger (x)

2016 - Jensen: Dean could have a huntress, but you’d kill her.

Jan 2017 Con the infamous - no hedge - harsh - “Destiel doesn’t exist.” (x)

I would hope that if he knew he wouldn’t have been so harsh with it. So by that point either he still didn’t know - OR - to him ‘Destiel’ was specifically about internet porn/sex and not like - the potential for feelings / a relationship. It makes me think about something Misha had actually said, around 2013, “It’s called ‘Destiel’ and it’s about the romantic interludes between Dean and Castiel.” (x)

2017 - jib8 Jensen called Dean a lover of the ladies

May 2017 - After filming the end of season 12:

2018 - Misha confirms he and Jensen have talked about Destiel (x) - also 2018: The Bisexual Dean essay "? No." (Oh god was this really this recent?! I can't deal with this.)

Well. SOMETHING happened in 2019. cuz here it comes

2019 - "Dean has no taste, clearly." 2019 - 'So, tell us just a little bit about what you're most excited to tackle with your character this final season.' "Cas. Just like a full football form tackle."

Look at this face he gave Dean when Cas told him he loved him and tell me he wasn't playing into it here. You can't. (x)

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bettsfic · 5 years

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do you know anything about like, the development of the purity rhetoric that now seems to be ubiquitous in fandom and how it got there? i used to be on tumblr in like, 2014 and only recently came back to fandom and i remember everyone being generally kind of cool with things like incest ships and morally grey characters (speaking specifically re the frozen fandom and elsa/anna here lmao) whereas now it seems like the conversation about those things has drastically shifted and i am..puzzled by it

this is what i imagine that experience was like for you:

according to fanlore, purity culture started in the homestuck fandom which. based on what i know of homestuck, that tracks. however i’ve never been in homestuck so i’m not sure what that transformation was like. all i know is my personal experience with the disk horse. afaik there’s no cohesive timeline of events across fandom, and i lack the time and resources to be able to make one myself. if anyone knows of one, or wants to make one, please let me know.

i do know that purity culture is a movement started by very young teenagers, who were maybe 13-15 in 2014 and are now 18-20. they were 8-10 when ao3 was founded, and therefore seem to have a limited knowledge of fan history, censorship, and critical thinking. i’m hoping that since they’re now entering college, they’ll get some insight and broader social awareness, and this movement will finally die out in the next few years.

on any other platform, at any other time, their toxic rhetoric would not have gained traction. but here and now, on tunglr dot com where anyone can gain a platform, where mob mentality thrives and inciting an anonymous dogpile is as easy as hitting Post, where the brokenness of this place makes it difficult to control the content you’re exposed to -- it’s the perfect storm. we live in an age of hopelessness. young people grow up with social media as an extension of their identities, tethered to devices that hold all the information in the world. i think it’s fair for them to be afraid of their futures, and i can understand the desire to control the online spaces where they have the most agency, where their voices are the loudest.

that may explain why, but not how. as in, where did they pick up this mentality at all? @freedom-of-fanfic (whose work is a necessity in understanding the disk horse) connected anti-shipping to TERF rhetoric. i’ve linked the fanlore page because it has all of the links and some of the responses. i honestly do believe that the language surrounding purity culture has its ugly roots in TERFdom. at its core, purity culture -- the policing of female and queer sexuality -- is misogyny.

when i started writing destiel circa 2014, fandom was as you described. wincest was a juggernaut on par with destiel. teen wolf was full of underage and noncon. a/b/o was on the rise. it seemed like fandom was a genre without restraint -- anything you wrote, if it found the right audience, would be celebrated unabashedly. people who have been following me for a long time know that i was addicted to adderall at the time and pounding out all sorts of manic nonsense. i remember living on the validation of comments (and at the time, there were lots of comments. not so much anymore, but that’s another story). i got critical comments only rarely, and they were the type that i admired -- readers without judgment thinking through the story, reacting to it earnestly. i made some of my best friends because they left long, critical comments on my work. sometimes they didn’t like it, sometimes they did, but ultimately, they were engaged, and that’s what counted.

i remember my first policing-type comment, i think at the start of all the purity nonsense. it was a destiel fic, and someone very angrily told me i should tag my bottom!cas because it was triggering. i’ve thought about that comment a lot over the years. top/bottom discourse is nothing new, but to say that bottom castiel is triggering? that was ridiculous. but then i realized -- there was a writer in fandom at the time i won’t name, who was known for being extremely sensitive (for bottom!cas especially, which they found triggering), and their very dedicated following offered fic that was safe for their fave to read. i have nothing against this person at all. they were not part of the purity discourse, they were up front about their sensitive nature, and as far as i knew (i believe i met them at a con once?) they were very kind.

but that commenter had been clearly influenced by this person and believed that a specific fictional character receiving anal sex from another specific fictional character was actual, real triggering content, and it was my obligation as a writer to tag for it. which i did, because i felt bad, and i was baffled by that request. at the time, i wanted more than anything to be liked, and conformed wherever i could. if i got such a request now, i would ignore it because it was rudely written and honestly kind of bonkers. i’d happily add a tag for something i may have missed, or even something i’d never considered before, but there’s no reason a person can’t make that request politely.

this situation isn’t about purity discourse proper (the commenter didn’t tell me not to write the fic, and it had nothing to do with morality), but it’s the earliest example i can think of where the process of policing had occurred: a person of influence on tumblr affected their follower’s thinking, and that follower felt entitled to command another writer to conform to that ideology.

i could be completely wrong about making these connections. maybe that commenter truly believed bottom!cas was a legitimate widespread trauma. they did not say the fic was triggering to them, but that it might be to some other people, in the same way purity police say “think of the CHILDREN” when in fact they don’t give a fuck about children at all.

after destiel i moved to stucky, which was, at the time, a juggernaut ship where anyone could write anything. this was also the time when the term “cinnamon roll” became incredibly popular, circa 2015. it was a fun and seemingly innocuous meme, but it positioned the ideas of “purity” and “wholesomeness” in sharp relief, and cemented these ideas by beginning to give it a distinct vocabulary. “trash” was pitched as its opposite. stucky is where i first came into contact with “antis.” in destiel, there had been ship wars, sure, but it was of a different flavor than antis. destiel vs wincest wasn’t about morality in 2014. it was about everything but.

in stucky in 2015, however, the disk horse was running rampant. the MCU had a sub-section of fandom called HTP (hydra trash party) in which steve and/or bucky have dubious or nonconsensual relations with various or many members of hydra. this is the first time i remember being aware of morality becoming a cornerstone of shipping. HTP was loathed by purity police. by the time i wrote a stucky bdsm au, i’d accumulated multiple nasty anons, rude comments from entitled readers, and other nonsense that all said the same thing: your filth is not welcome here in our space of purity. go away.

but the release of the force awakens is what really turned the tide. TFA offered three major ships: stormpilot (as it was called at the time, now finnpoe), reylo, and kylux. the fandom that developed around the sequels was firmly divided. franzeska wrote an amazing meta about this phenomenon which gives some insight into the seeds of purity policing. in short, stormpilot should have been the primary pairing of the sequels, but instead many of the badwrong writers from other fandoms (and HTP specifically, which was how i entered the fandom) flocked to the blank slate of kylux.

it took a long time for the ship to gain traction. a friend told me that kylux had started with angry star wars racists who hated that there was diversity in the sequel trilogy. and i told them no, i was there, there were twelve of us and a cornchip, and all we cared about was the dirty/darkly comedic potential of these two ridiculous villain characters in one of the biggest franchises of all time. it wasn’t that complicated. i don’t mean to dismiss the discussion of race in fandom; i think it’s important to acknowledge that racism, as franzeska describes far better than i can, plays a huge part in fandom, particularly in star wars, and it’s an important and ongoing discussion to be having, especially given what kelly marie tran has gone through, and how it affected (presumably) rose tico’s extremely limited presence in TROS.

the early fics of kylux weren’t particularly taboo. they were post-TFA hurt/comfort mostly, then slowly the bdsm and power dynamics crept in. those of us who wanted to get away from purity discourse had finally found a new home. for a while. 2016 was the golden era of kylux. we were all very happy.

i remember talking to a friend about how there were certain things i couldn’t write in certain ships. being from ye olden days of fandom, she was appalled by this idea, and told me i could write anything for any ship i wanted, wasn’t that was the whole point of transformative works? and i agreed! but i tried to explain, if you post badwrong for a fandom of purity police, you’re going to, at best, get dogpiled in your comments/inbox. at worse they will find you, call your employer, and try to ruin your life. people will tell you to kill yourself. they’ll report your tumblr and try to get your blog shut down. there are real-life, harrowing consequences to writing taboo fic, and many who write fic as a hobby don’t have the emotional energy to field these risks.

around this time, discord became popular, which offered a private space for badwrong writers to congregate. i had started grad school and didn’t have much time to write fic. metoo was happening. tromp got elected. kylux was slowly turning mainstream so a lot of us turned our attention to gradence in fantastic beasts. some went on to hannibal and other fandoms that hadn’t yet caught the attention of purity police (but it was, as it is now, just a matter of time). kylux, i feel, was specifically decimated by a single fan creator, who was like a police chief. they would get wind of someone writing underage or noncon and write a call-out post about them, and that writer/artist would get pitchforked. a few times, my comments or posts got screencapped, and posts were written urging people to stop reading my works because of how heinously immoral i was. this happened to several of my friends too.

the great tumblr tittyban of 2017 happened, which only added fuel to the fire and further legitimized the purity movement. i shifted hesitantly to the 100 fandom, which seemed small in comparison to supernatural, marvel, and star wars. i thought it was a chill place. i was wrong; it was just as toxic as other fandoms. but i also didn’t care anymore, and i appreciated that i was mostly left alone. more importantly, i found a lot of support from other people who were as tired of the purity as i was, and @the100kinkmeme was reborn.

the state of things is pretty abysmal. there are some really amazing writers out there writing under multiple sock accounts, keeping their fandom identities shattered so as not to call attention to themselves. as much as i understand why writers do that, and i respect that decision, i also think it’s sad. it deprives readers the chance to read that author’s other works. it limits the sense of community and our ability to make friends. it fractures the future of the genre.

what’s most important to acknowledge is that none of this is happening solely in fandom. i went to a writers’ conference where 2 of 3 panels were about the history of moral policing and censorship in art. it is worth noting that of the 40-ish visiting writers on faculty, only one (1) was a woman of color (jaimaica kincaid). naturally, older rich white people who have spent their life in the arts are all about death of the author, separation of art and artist. they’re on the total opposite side of purity police, and they won’t acknowledge at all that racism and sexism are a problem in the creative world. they don’t have any nuance on the discussion, or modern perspectives in light of metoo or popular culture.

this went on longer than i anticipated. i neglected to mention YFIP (your fave is problematic) an old blog that started the idea of call-out culture by pulling receipts on celebrities, and how call-out culture led to cancel culture, which also aided in the purity disk horse. i think a lot can be said about how some of this stuff is genuinely good (metoo and holding men accountable for their bullshit) while also being profoundly toxic (punishing criminals via mob mentality, ruining their careers and livelihoods through social media, rather than giving them their due process in court. i understand it -- the judicial system is built by the hands of the very predators we seek to condemn, but still. the jury of the internet is never a fair trial).

if you want to read more, my tag is tsatp (the sacred and the profane). i’m sure i’ve left out a lot, but i can only speak to my experience. i think it would be good if people would share their experience dealing with purity policing, too, so we might get a cohesive timeline in place. feel free to reblog and add your story.

#tsatp #my fic #Anonymous

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dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram · 3 years

Note

Hi I love your blog and always enjoy all your takes on things that happen in the fandom and in the 1D members lives. I was waiting for your post on how you see Tom from MP in Harry when you mentioned it in the tags earlier with the Marvel news. I kind of see Harry similarly too. What you said here is interesting to me:

"That scene took my breath away, because of how similar Tom is to how I imagine Harry. Harry wants it all. And his all isn't security, respectability and perhaps a promotion, as well as his man. His all is arenas full of people, and a movie career, and expressing some parts of his identity, and his man. And why shouldn't he? He knows the dangers. He's chosen to play someone whose attempt to have everything ended in huge amounts of pain."

And of course I understand that he is making history in the circumstances of his choosing and I am always interested in where he goes with it but I wonder how you imagine his man (Louis if we are correct about it) navigates this and what is it that he wants most. As I the story I am telling is that Louis and Harry are together it is always interesting to me to see how they navigate their individual closets and what that might mean for them as a couple so how they navigate being a couple in the closet.

As I said to the other anon - I wasn't really thinking about Harry's relationship when I wrote that section. I was thinking about the way he navigates his career.

I don't think we can know what any of this means for his relationship - not really. I think wanting everything from your work life can mean all sorts of things from your relationship - and the actual impact is in the sort of details we don't know.

If they are together than their closets are intertwined and have to be navigated just like everything else is in a long term relationship. I think the material demand around the closet is clearly linked to Harry's career. But I think the relationship between that material demand, and what they both want is much more complex (I think Harry could want a lot less and there would still be a material demand for the closet).

I think the question of what Louis wants is an interesting one - and I think it's very difficult to get a sense of. Whatever he wanted in 2016, that almost immediately became impossible and he had to focus on much more immediate desires. A lot of people don't have a lot of clarity about what they want in the aftermath of huge loss. I think it's really clear that he wanted to release an album and go on tour, because he kept doing that despite everything. But I think it's very difficult to read back what Louis wanted from the first four years after 1D split up, because things he didn't want to happen had such a big impact on his life. And seperate from what we can and can't perceive, I imagine what Louis wanted got really messy and complicated over those four years.

It's why I've been really interested in what Louis has done since the pandemic. Although again it's obviously not what he wanted in an ideal world - how he's navigated these circumstances seems to me to be quite revealing. I think the combination of mostly not existing in time and space, but then putting out two seperate works of art that were very fully conceptualised and had a sort of intimacy is really interesting. I think it gives a sense of what he wants from his work life now.

#It seems to me that right now Louis would rather not be seen #except under circumstances where he has a lot of control #which is very relateable #both in general #and in response to the pandemic #and stress

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tragically-broken · 4 years

Text

Coffee Stains pt. 7

Ship(s): Feysand, Nessian, Elriel Type: College AU Word Count: 1,161

Hi everyone! I started this fic back in 2016 (for those of you who have been with me since then HELLO & I LOVE YOU!), but I didn’t finish right away ofc so then it got lost! I was so upset. I found what I could on my computer and then re-wrote some and started an ao3 account. However, since then my bestie was able to recover my work and get my tumblr account back to working again! YAY!

If you prefer to read on ao3 my link is here! Everything is the same except the name of this story is “Falling Apart or Falling Into Place” and chapter 4 is a bit different since I re-wrote it thinking it was lost. The ao3 account also has all my other fics that I have started OR you can find them on this tumblr master-post here.

I’m using this quarantine to prove to myself that I can actually finish something I started and then get back to working on my own WIP.

ENJOY <3

pts. 1-6

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Az brought Elain to a restaurant she had never been to or even heard of before. It was small and quaint inside, giving off a sense of warmth. The dark wood walls and flooring made it feel like a homie little cabin instead of a public eating area. The waitress seated them in the back corner booth as requested from Az and she couldn’t help but notice how at home Az looked. It was almost like looking at a younger version of him from the past. How he would have looked before life tried to tear him down with trauma and misfortune. She didn’t know too much about his past because Az was an extremely private person, but what she did know was bad enough. She hated to imagine the things he left private and kept to himself. Elain and Az grazed the menu in comfortable silence. Everything here sounded delicious.

“I didn’t have much of anything growing up” Elain looked up at Az surprised at his sudden words. “ and what I did have was normally shared. As you know, I didn’t have much of a family but Rhy’s mom brought me here for my 16th birthday. It was the nicest place she could afford and the nicest place I had ever been to. I haven’t been back here since she passed.” Az paused for a moment, thinking about her. “ I never thought I would come back actually. But, these past few days I’ve missed her more than usual. She was a tough old broad, but she loved fiercely and treated me as her own. I drove Rhys crazy.” Az chuckled at the memory. “They were-are my family, and tonight is the first night that I’ve wanted to share this place with someone else.” Az looked at her then, menu long forgotten. Elain reached across the table for his hand. Az wasn’t much for physical touch but he let her hold his scarred hand in her delicate soft one.

“I love it here.” Elain looked deep into his eyes.

“You don't have to say that”

“No, I mean it. It has a wonderful character and you can tell that it's small, but it's cherished. Plus, everything on the menu looks delicious. Do you remember what you ordered on your birthday?”

“I could never forget, Lemon Noodle Soup.” Elain lightly rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb.

“Really? I never begged you for a soup person.”

“I wasn’t- still not. But it was the cheapest thing on the menu. But don’t you worry about that, you can get whatever you want of course. My treat.”

“Good evening!” The waitress startled them out of their trance as Elain let go of his hand. “My name is Beverly and I’ll be your server this evening.”

“Thank you, Beverly.” Az gave her a polite smile.

“Do you two still need a moment? Can I get you anything to drink?”

“I’ll have the Lemon Noodle Soup,” Elain said matter-of-factly as Az whipped his head toward her.

“Elain you don’t need to-”

“That’s what I want.” Elain smiled at him as she closed her menu. He looked at her, with shocked awe.

“I’ll have the same.” He closed his menu unable to take his eyes off her. The waitress scribbled their order on her notepad.

“And to drink?”

“Chardonnay please, is that okay with you?”

“And a glass of water”

“Of course, everything will be out shortly.” The waitress walked away with their menus in hand.

“I doubt you had chardonnay when you were sixteen!”

“Rhys actually snuck scotch from the kitchen as we left and we drank it that night while mom was asleep. We pretended to like it of course, even as we coughed from it. There was a brief moment of hysterics and then deep sleep. It was- well wonderful. One of my favorite memories.”

“I’d like to meet him someday.”

“I’d like that too.”

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“Are you fucking serious?” Nesta stood with her arms crossed on the sidewalk.

“You said you wanted the best burgers in town! Well, this is it, sweetheart.” Cassian dramatically gestured to the run-down old cart.

“A single cart in the middle of the road isn’t exactly what I had in mind. It doesn’t even look structurally sound.”

“Live a little won't you Nesta?” Cassian nudged her shoulder playfully.

Nesta scoffed, brushing him off, but gave in.

“Let’s get this over with. I’m hungry.”

“That's the spirit!” Cassian excitedly marched in front of her.

“If I die from food poisoning, I'm using my afterlife to haunt you.”

“As long as you promise to visit me at night.” Nesta smacked him in the arm, hard.

“NASTY BASTARD!!” Cassian chuckled as they moved up the line.

“Good evening Sir, I’ll have a number 2 meal with a rootbeer and- do you trust me?”

“Not even a little. I’ll have the number 1 special with extra mushrooms and pepper jack cheese instead of cheddar and extra pickles on the side.”

“And to drink?”

“Do you serve alcohol”

“No, sorry ma'am”

“I suppose I’ll suffer the company sober.” She eyed Cassian up and down with distaste.

“There's a bar two blocks from here if you'd like.”

“Best not to prolong this evening.” Nesta nodded her thanks and walked away from the cashier as Cassian faked pain in his chest.

They waited for their food as Nesta shifted from foot to foot, cold.

“Are you cold?”

“No, I'm fine.” Lie.

“You sure because-” Cassian started to remove his jacket.

“I’m FINE.”

He put his hands up in defeat and kept his jacket on.

Once they got their food they found a table next to the pier. She couldn’t deny how beautiful the view was, even if she did have to share it with a stray dog.

Nesta took one bite and her entire expression changed.

“Holy mother of-” she took another huge bite as Cassian bellowed a laugh

“I told you” He chuckled at her with his own mouth full.

“They need a real restaurant.”

“Maybe,” Cassian wiped his mouth. “ but this is less expensive and it clearly isn’t hurting business. And who could beat this view?”

“I suppose.” Nesta took another ginormous bite out of her burger. Cassian smiled to himself watching her eat with such pleasure. How food was meant to be eaten.

“What?” Nesta asked, mouth full.

“Hm? Nothing.” Cassian went back to focusing on his burger.

“Don’t be gross.”

“WHAT? I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING”

“You didn’t have to.” Nesta glared at him.

“I just- never mind.”

“This better?” Nesta sarcastically put her pinkies up as she took another huge bite.

“Perfect form m’ lady.” Cassian bowed his head and mirrored her pinky posture.

Nesta laughed, actually LAUGHED.

“Careful Nesta or I might think you’re having a good time.”

“Impossible.”

“MMHM.” Cassian smiled to himself as he finished his burger.

Clearly being hungry made her lose her senses because she was actually having a wonderful time. She must be ill.

________________________________________________________________

Let me know what you think! <3

#nessian #feysand #elriel #nessian fic #feysand fic #elriel fic #sjm #college AU #eventual smut #sjm fic #archeron sisters

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alejjjhandro · 5 years

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Why ‘Lover’ Will Be Taylor’s Best

Because duh.

Ok, no, there are real reasons:

Maturity

She is turning 30 this year, and she’s embracing it with wisdom. She is taking a step back for a moment to look back at her career, at her life, at her battles, at her scars... but not necessarily for the sake of self pity-- but to show growth, healing, and self awareness. Take for example the lyrical content of The Archer. It’s a song full of self reflection: Accepting mistakes and one’s own flaws, speaking out about fears and insecurities and times when you clearly let your emotions take over...only to dig yourself deeper into a hole-- Things we all do because...humans. But it’s never easy to look at yourself from an outside perspective and craft it poetically & musically.

Confidence

Taylor’s more comfortable in her own skin. With her history as an artist and being in the public eye, she KNOWS that no matter what--there will always be someone out there who disapproves, who mocks her, who disqualifies her abilities, and she’s finally okay with it. In a recent interview about the single “ME!” she said that the song is about embracing your individuality, and really celebrating it and owning it. As far as the charts were concerned, she said she didn’t really care if the song did well or not. She isn’t writing songs for chart purposes. She’s writing for her art. For her fans. For her truth. Come what may, she’s being herself.

She Found Her Political Voice

Her sexual assault case. LGBTQ+. Sexism. Politician Endorsement. This is all coming more to light with this album. Although YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN isn’t necessarily her first shout out to her supportive, ally side (Welcome to New York, I’m looking at you!)-- IT IS the first song that leaves NO questions about her stance on this topic. In her latest interview with VOGUE, when asked “Why get louder about LGBTQ+ rights now?” she said “I didn’t realize until recently that I could advocate for a community that I’m not a part of.” And she now seems to be doing it loudly but carefully. “It’s hard to know how to do that without being so fearful of making a mistake that you just freeze. Because my mistakes are very loud. When I make a mistake, it echoes through the canyons of the world. It’s clickbait, and it’s a part of my life story, and it’s a part of my career arc.” She Also talks openly about sexism. In the same interview she shares - “I wanted to say to people, You realize writing songs is an art and a craft and not, like, an easy thing to do? Or to do well? People would act like it was a weapon I was using. Like a cheap dirty trick. Be careful, bro, she’ll write a song about you. Don’t stand near her. First of all, that’s not how it works. Second of all, find me a time when they say that about a male artist: Be careful, girl, he’ll use his experience with you to get—God forbid—inspiration to make art.” SHE SAID IT. Periodt. Lastly, she will stand beside politicians who will defend the rights of EVERYONE. Equally. And she will do so openly. “Rights are being stripped from basically everyone who isn’t a straight white cisgender male,” she says in defiance of the current political spectrum in America.

New Beginnings / The Calm AFTER The Storm.

In many ways, reputation was an album that was heavily focused on telling her side of the stories that plagued her life in,*ehem*, 2016 (and before). It was cathartic for her, but it was a response nonetheless (and done beautifully, if I do say so myself). This time, though, there was a clearer canvas. As she put it recently, she’s writing as if she was just...writing. And she’s focusing on all things love. Not necessarily only Romantic relationships, as she clearly said in other interviews in the past couple of months. “It’s a love letter to love itself”-- the album in many ways will FEEL like the sky looks after a storm. YES. Just yes. If Taylor can write a GREAT album during her darkest times, I can't imagine what she’s capable of now that she’s just in a MUCH BETTER PLACE. <3

Big Machine / Republic Records & Universal Music Group

This is a big album. Not only is it her 13th year in the music world, but it’s her very first album outside of BM Group. She’s chosen to bet on her future and not her past, and this album is the first to cross that line. Her talent, dedication and DRIVE knowing this record will be at the front of her new and improved contract is definitely pushing her forward as an artist and it will show in all 18 tracks of LOVER. I am sure of it. And what’s the best tasting part of this? She. owns. all. her. masters. now. It’s a healthier option.

She Is In Love

What’s better than an artist in love? This is probably the first time we will get an album reflecting the beauty and complexity of long-term, real love. We’ve never gotten this before. In her RED album booklet, she wrote “Maybe I’ll write a whole album about that kind of love if I ever find it.” Ladies & Gentlemen, will you please stand? She made LOVER and it’s coming for us all THIS FRIDAY.

Bring the maturity, new lessons, wisdom and love, Miss Swift. We are READY FOR IT.

*SCREAMS IN CAT*

#taylor swift #taylornation #taylorlurking #Swifties #Swifty #italian swifties #lover #TS7 #lgbtq swifties

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dickshardblog · 4 years

Text

For Russia With Love: The Tara Reade Story?

There are three women I know of now whose name is pronounced Tar-uh Reed. Tara Reid is an actress who starred in the Sharknado franchise. Tara Reed is an artist and designer. She designed my favorite coffee mug. And now I've learned that there is a Tara Reade, who used to work for Joe Biden.

When I heard about the allegation that Tara Reade made against Joe Biden, I was deeply disturbed. Were Biden's hands on shoulders, close-ear talking, hair petting, and hugs something more than just an overly-affectionate guy with boundary issues and a lack of understanding of personal space? It had always looked uncomfortable, but innocent, to me. And, if it's innocent, I find it strangely endearing, despite the fact that I don't personally like to be touched by strangers.

He's not just overly familiar with females. For every picture of Joe Biden petting a little girl's hair, there's another of him with his arms around a man, gazing into his eyes, or practically kissing his ear. I could do a Google image search and come up with some pretty compelling visual evidence that Joe Biden is in love with several men. He's not. At least, I don't believe so. Some people are huggers. And Joe Biden is a hugger extraordinaire.

I think the world no longer tolerates that, but I also think it is both innocent and changeable behavior. Unlike Trump, Biden does have some sense of self-awareness, can listen to criticism, and make changes.

I'll be honest: I really don't want the allegations to be true. I do have that bias, and I will freely admit it. I always have that bias. No matter who it is. Like any regular person, I don't want sexual assault to happen. I would hope we all have that bias. I hope that none of us would wish a woman had been sexually assaulted so we could have some ammunition against a political opponent. But I know better. There are plenty of people who really hope Biden did exactly what Reade says he did. And we all know it does happen, of course.

Tara Reade's story, when I first heard it, sounded credible. In a public, yet deserted hallway, Biden pinned her to a wall, groped her, kissed on her, and asked if she wanted to go somewhere else. When she reacted negatively, he said, "Come on, Man, I heard you liked me." Shit. That sounds like Joe Biden, I can hear him saying that. So, it sounds bad. I agree that we should listen to women. We should take them seriously. We should look into their allegations and dig until we find the truth. I let other people do the investigative journalism. I found their articles, checked their sources and compiled a pretty decent collection of truths that form a pretty cohesive picture.

Here's the truth that I have found:

In 2009, Reade wrote an article commending Biden's work on the Violence Against Women act. The same year, she wrote another article claiming that she'd left DC because her husband had received a job offer to manage a Congressman's campaign in the Midwest, and she'd moved with him.

From late 2016 to early 2017, she had a Twitter account using her newly married name, Tara McCabe. She used this platform to praise Biden on multiple occasions. She retweeted him saying, "My old boss speaks truth. Listen." This Twitter account also featured a lot of anti-Russia, anti-Putin sentiment.

Then, in 2018, she writes in an Op Ed for Medium which praises Russia and Putin, that she left Washington because she "saw the reckless imperialism of America and the pain it caused through out the world," and because she loved Russia with all her heart. In this article she describes Putin as a "compassionate, caring, visionary leader."

She wrote several pro-Russia, pro-Putin articles during this time, gushing over him, saying, "President Putin has an alluring combination of strength with gentleness. His sensuous image projects his love for life, the embodiment of grace while facing adversity. It is evident that he loves his country, his people and his job … President Putin’s obvious reverence for women, children and animals, and his ability with sports is intoxicating to American women … And like most women across the world, I like President Putin… a lot, his shirt on or shirt off.”

Then in 2019, she's all in for Bernie Sanders. She wrote another article, with yet a different reason for leaving, this one with the harassment allegation attached. "Then, I went to Senate personnel for help. No one helped me. I resigned or I would say, I was forced to resign." The report she says she filed doesn't seem to exist.

When she started attacking Biden publicly, she also resumed denouncing Putin. Putin was bad again. When the media dug up her old articles praising Putin, she deleted them. Too late, of course. They can no longer be found where they were originally published, but copies were made. She now claims they were part of a novel she was writing that was set in Russia. They were clearly op-eds, not notes for a novel. No novelist I know of publishes their novel notes as op-eds while they're working on the book.

There are a whole lot of other inconsistencies, people she says she told about the incident denying any knowledge, her brother pointedly changing his story, an old neighbor of hers coming forward to say she wouldn't trust a word Reade says, and countless other glowing red flags. But this blog is already so very long, and I haven't even gotten to the meat of what I want to talk about yet. This has all just been background, the evidence I followed to form my theory of what is going on with this. And I want to get it down before I read it somewhere else.

I've got a theory! It could be Russia!

Okay, hear me out. Here's what I think might have happened:

Sometime in late 2017 or early 2018, Reade somehow becomes involved in communications with Russia, a political operative, maybe even someone in the government. Hell, perhaps even Putin himself, a highly unlikely prospect, of course. But not outside the realm of possibility. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that Putin maintains a stash of burner phones and carries on flirtatiously with American Women in his spare time. It's the stuff of spy novels, sure. Yeah, it's far-fetched, but allow me my fantastic imaginings. I am a fiction writer, after all.

But a Russian political operative of some kind becomes romantically involved long-distance with Reade. Of course it's not a real relationship, not on the Russian side. They are just using American citizens as sleeper agents they can prompt to stir up shit when it would cause the most damage.

Reade is manipulated to turn against Joe Biden and encouraged to back Bernie Sanders. Now, an aside at this point. I like Bernie. I would vote for Bernie, I'd love to see him as President. I don't believe that Bernie Sanders or his campaign are involved in any collusion with the Russian government in any way, and both he and his campaign openly discourage Russian meddling. None-the-less, there still exists evidence that Russia has interfered in ways favorable to Sanders and his campaign. Russia doesn't want Bernie Sanders as President, but some of Sanders more rabid supporters are very easily influenced by carefully placed fake news stories and are extremely useful at stirring up political infighting on the left. Alright, back to my theory.

At this time, she's also advised to stop praising Russia, so as not to raise any suspicion. And, finally, to drop that allegation bomb on Joe Biden right when it would do the most damage. Hopefully to allow Bernie Sanders to overtake Biden for the nomination, but, failing that, at least send Joe limping into the General.

Yes. In a nutshell, I think the Tara Reade allegation is simply more Russian meddling of the same sort that has been going on all along. I think, in some form or another, she is a Russian agent. Maybe there is no spy novel romance going on. Perhaps she's just being paid. But this whole thing stinks of Russia, and Russia's fingerprints are all over it.

But, hey, what do I know? I'm just a fiction author with a good imagination

#tara reade #joe biden #allegation #metoo #putin #bernie sanders #Russia #russian meddling

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imbellarosa · 4 years

Text

The Larry Song by Van McMann

Or, that one time you accidentally wrote your best friend and bandmate a love song about being on tour without him and he tweets about it confirming it. This review is especially dedicated to @dalek-in-heels because she had to hear me talking about how I’ve been listening to this song FOR DAYS and wanted to talk about it. Oooh oooh and also to @belgianreader2 because we actually are 7 hours apart and although I’m not writing her love songs just yet, this song always makes me laugh bc I think of her. It is, as always, all under the cut because i have A LOT of words and don’t want to clog anyone’s timeline.

SIDE NOTE: I’ll be back to political content in the morning, I just need to post something for myself right now. If you’re looking for a way to get involved tonight, The Rolling Stone actually compiled a great list here. If you match my donation from earlier today or a donation that I made last week, let me know and I will write a prompt for you, if you’d like it.

Okay, onto the song. The first thing I should clarify is that the song is not actually called Larry - it’s called 7 and its by a rock band (a british rock band? maybe?) called Catfish and the Bottlemen. I’m not actually lying when I say it’s by Van McMann, though, because that’s the lead singer, and sole writer of this song. I call it the Larry song in my head because the first line of the song is “Larry call a load of smoke in/I want to lose a couple days/I know we never struggled coping/but I never want to.”

I know that it’s about a dude named Larry for a couple of reasons: the first is that it’s literally in the song. So. There’s that. The second is that both Van and Larry confirmed it. Larry Lau is Van McMann’s best friend and the guitar technician for the band. Van confirmed it here in an interview for Radio X in the UK, and Larry Lau tweeted on April 19th, 2016: “Ahahah funny as when your best mate puts you in a tune then it goes all over the radio #lotofshoutouts” (the tweet also had a bunch of emojis that didn’t copy paste well, but they are: a phone - you’ll see why later - a cloudy sky, an alien, and the number 7).

The thing is - this song is called 7 because of the timezone difference. And here lies the actual story. This song is about their relationship while Van is on tour. (I have to assume it’s their relationship because his name is the only name-drop in the whole song. The only other name-drop in the album is the song “Emily”, which seems to be about meeting up to catch up with an old flame in a pretty sweet goodbye song. Yes. I listened to the album, debated if I wanted to do a review, and decided that actually, I liked this song the best and wanted to focus on it. Sue me.). ANYWAYS. He talks about how: And I'd beg you, but you know I'm never home/And I'd love you, but I need another year alone/And I've tried to ignore it every time you phone/But I never come close/And I don't think through things, I never get time/'Cause I don't think things through...”

So that’s where the phone comes in haha! I also think that it’s really interesting how he talks about this relationship: just because he’s in love does not mean that he’s about to postpone his tour (his career, his life) for this relationship. And I know that some people might think that this means it’s not a good one or that it’s a sad song but...I actually think it’s very healthy? I mean, in the context of the album definitely, but we’ll go through some thematic stuff in a bit.

However, even as a standalone song, I think this is a very healthy attitude for a dude in his 20s to have. Or even a dude at the beginning of his career, no matter their age. Like. This is your chance man, so good for you for taking that. If your relationship is meant to be, it can survive a time difference and different ambitions and everything else that you have to do to grow and find yourself. Even if you need the year alone to do so.

On to the themes that I like in this song that are reoccurring throughout the album! The smoke thing. People speculate that “call a load of smoke in” means “let’s go smoke” (there’s also speculation that it means “throw a smoke bomb on stage, but in context of everything else, I don’t really think so?). I like the reading that “call a load of smoke in/I want to lose a couple days” means - let’s go do our thing, I want to spend the next few days doing nothing together. The smoking thing comes back in the song “Anything” - also written by Van - where he says, “ I won't smoke if you don't no more/'Cause I know you hate the taste of it/And I don't wanna picture our first born/If you've stopped discussing names with me/But if it means that we get through then you know I'm up for anything”, and in his song “Soundcheck”, he mentions that he’s rushing through rehearsal to meet up for a cigarette break (which, if that song is also about Larry, it would make sense? because they would be working together? and so they could have a smoke break together).

Let’s discuss: I think that it would make sense that this is both an activity they do together, and a habit that they try to break, depending on how their relationship is going. For example, if they’re doing great, and they can’t stay away from each other, then it’s “call a load of smoke in” or “let’s go meet during your break” (that’s not the lyric, sorry haha). But if their relationship is going sour, then it’s “do you need me to stop smoking? what can i do?”. And I think that’s a very normal reaction for a twenty-something-year-old person to have? It smacks of obsession and insecurity and love. You want to be with them at every moment, even though you know you can’t be. You understand that you have to do your thing, but you’ll do it a bit faster if you get to have a couple of moments with them, and if things are going not so great, then, well, you start obsessively reflecting on what you think you might need to change about yourself.

Another theme that keeps popping up in the album is thinking things through. Like, Van is clearly an impulsive person. He says here “I don’t think through things, I never get time”, and he says in the song “Twice”: “ 'Cause when you love the way you’re living/It's just hard to fret about much/Because if I got time I just regret most of it”, and then he goes on to list a bunch of mistakes he made. Hey, at least he’s self-aware, you know? I don’t really think this is significant to the story of the song other than it gives a bit of context to the person writing it. I also don’t really know anything about either of these guys personally, other than the interviews and such that I’ve found, so if i’ve just messed something up massively, please let me know haha.

ANYWAYS - to close! This song also includes gems like “I know we (Larry and Van) never struggled sleeping/But I never want to..”. Which like, ah, yes, I too tell my completely platonic bro and bandmate that I never want to struggle sleeping with them! Of course! Happens ALL THE TIME.

Nah, but really. It’s a great song in a pretty good album (the other songs I referenced are “Anything”, “Twice”, “Emily”, and “Soundcheck”, all of which I really enjoyed. I also liked “Postponed”, but be warned - that’s a sad song pretending to be a happy one). I searched, but I couldn’t find a relationship history for either Van or Larry, and apparently, they’ve been friends since childhood, and I think I’ve read this story once or twice. Or maybe seen the movie? So that’s what I have to say about that.

My final thought is that I would have paid an indescribable amount of money to see the rest of the band listen to the song the first time around. Like. Imagine the glances that the rest of them shared like ... “uh... who’s going to tell him this is a love song?”. I would also LOVE to watch this song get performed live because I think that would also be remarkably telling, and also because it would make me giggle uncontrollably.

This song comes from an album called “The Ride”, and it’s followed by an album called “The Balance”, which I haven’t finished, but is also pretty ok. Anyways I need a ship name for these two so if anyone has one I really want to hear it. Is Lan cooler or Varry? Or Vanry? or McMau if we’re doing last names. Actually, McMau seems pretty cool.

#7 #catfish and the bottlemen #van mccann #larry lau #song recs #and album recs #i say things #seriously if i tag varry is that a thing?#like i dont think im ever gonna talk about these two again #but this is the funniest thing #ive heard in a while #like oops i wrote you a love song #and the other dude is like MINE THE SONG IS MINE ITS FOR ME #in case anyone was gonna get it twisted

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florrickandassociates · 4 years

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TGF Thoughts: 4x01-- The Gang Deals with Alternate Reality

I had a lot to say about this one, guys.

Welcome back! I see this season TGF has decided to be It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Is this some sort of joke about how last season it was always raining? Is every title going to be like this? And where are the numbers!? There is no counting of any kind in this episode title!

When you think about it, the central argument of this episode-- that 45’s election brought new life to resistance movements that would’ve otherwise laid dormant-- is also my central argument about why TGF is a good show instead of a passable one. Remember how in season one the point of the show was supposed to be a fake scandal about Maia?

So it’s fitting that we begin season four by going back to the show’s pilot: Inauguration Day. Only this time, Diane is happily watching Hillary Clinton’s inauguration. Did I say happily? I meant ecstatically.

As Diane pops champagne, the TV goes to static-- something’s off-- and the credits begin. Same credits as season 3 but with one key difference: things are coming together rather than exploding. I see what you did there. (The TVs still explode, though, and they still have the real 45 on them.)

Yeah I didn’t need to see the credits to know the Kings wrote this one.

I think the notes the Kings left in the script for this episode for Brooke Kennedy just said, “Make Diane look like a glamorous badass.” I’m like one minute in and she’s already popped champagne and worn trendy sunglasses.

Brooke’s directing in this episode is so stylish and it might be my favorite ep she’s ever done? The showiness (and sometimes campy performances) REALLY work for the tone of this episode.

Diane takes the elevator to work and looks quizzical. One may be tempted to ask how Diane knows to go to RBL if it’s the day after inauguration and she’s still at Lockhart Deckler whatever (one may then snark that RBL is in the LG space so she’d go there no matter what). The answer is: dream logic!

(But really, little disorienting moments like that-- and yes, I know this was probably only disorienting for me and one other person-- help the episode work long before we know this isn’t a true alternate universe.)

Marissa is waiting at reception to inform Diane that HRC’s press secretary is in her office. Diane then asks Marissa who the president is, and Marissa asks Diane if she’s microdosing again. Ha! Also, that’s another clear clue that something’s up-- Diane wouldn’t have already microdosed right after inauguration. And why would Diane have microdosed in this AltVerse? Again-- dream logic. And I love it. In episodes like this, when things don’t add up, it’s wonderfully disorienting instead of frustrating. (Plus, this line is a knowing wink at fans about the absurdity of the microdosing storyline.)

Marissa confirms that it’s 2020 in show time. Diane has a flash of a selection of horrific images that have come out of these last few years, then says, ”God, have you ever had a dream that is so real that it takes you a long time to wake up?” I wish.

Diane wants to know how Hillary won, and Marissa says she won in a landslide-- 3 million votes. “Same as in my dream,” Diane says. Marissa thinks she means the other candidate had 3 million more votes, and wonders how he won if he had fewer votes. On one hand, Marissa totally knows about the electoral college. On the other hand, would “3 million votes” and hating the electoral college be cliched and top of mind enough to work as the joke in this scene if those votes had actually mattered? Probably not. I doubt many people would be talking about abolishing the electoral college, or that Marissa or even Diane would be SO quick to understand how one could win the popular vote and not the election, if we hadn’t all lived through the past three years. Also dream logic. It’s a great way of explaining things that are out of character.

“Whatever, it’s a dream, it doesn’t have to make sense,” says Marissa, making my point for me.

Oh hello there Lucca, your jacket is very bright. Lucca asks to sit in on Diane’s meeting with the press secretary. Lucca was up for a partnership in 3x10 but in this episode she’s very obviously an underling (and honestly seems a bit lower ranking and hesitant than usual-- I’ll need another episode or two to understand if this is how the writers are writing Lucca, how Diane views Lucca, or just what was easiest for the plot).

The White House is now asking Diane to take on cases. Way to dream big, Diane!

And Diane will be arguing in front of the Supreme Court!

In the alternate universe, Liz’s wonderful bathroom belongs to Diane.

Diane gets to do so many things she wouldn’t usually do in this ep, like furiously shake her head to prove to herself she’s not dreaming!

Diane still has that Girl With Flower As Head painting and I do not believe she would have that painting if HRC were president because it’s too friggin weird. Also has it always had a US flag in the background?

In the alternate universe, Garland and Warren (as in Elizabeth) are both on the court. It’s a good laughline precisely because it’s so plausible. (Well, idk about the Warren part, but she’s a recognizable name.)

Diane looks so happy she could cry when she learns Warren is on the Supreme Court.

There is a shot of Lucca that is so very clearly from Diane’s POV and I like it. I read a review of this episode that said it didn’t have enough character development. To that I say, one, this isn’t TGW-- this show has always been more about tone and theme, and two, there’s PLENTY here that’s about Diane’s POV and how she views others and thinks of herself. Because it’s dream logic I can’t make nearly as much out of it as I can make out of an episode like A Few Words, but there are little touches here and there. Even this shot of Lucca, where Lucca’s in the center of the frame shot from a high angle, grounds me in Diane’s POV. You could even make an argument about hierarchy based on the angle.

“Who’s that?” Lucca whispers when Diane asks about Kavanaugh. Diane is elated at that response.

Somehow we leave Diane’s POV (whatever, it’s a dream so I won’t be as brutal to this choice as I was to a similar but more subtle one in Don’t Fail) and follow Lucca into Adrian’s office. She immediately tells Liz and Adrian she’s concerned about Diane. That sounds like Lucca alright.

Diane is DANCING in her office as she watches news coverage that isn’t a garbage fire.

I’m curious y’all-- are people in your area cheering at a certain time? Hearing cheers every night during this pandemic is one of the few things I like about this awful moment in time. (My recap writing was just interrupted by cheering, if you couldn’t guess the reason for this abrupt digression.)

News stories in alternate reality: Cancer has been cured, there is polar bear overpopulation, the rainforest has been saved, 45 is REDUCING the amount of content he’s putting out into the world, and $35,000 is missing from some government agency. Ha. All that and people are hung up on $35,000? Sounds about right, actually.

Diane hugs Liz and Adrian because she feels like a weight has been lifted off of her. I appreciate that Diane acts without restraint or concern for what other people think in this episode. This is central to why I think this episode is actually a pretty good character study: this is who Diane imagines herself to be, more or less. Real Diane, no matter how bizarre things are, probably would handle herself more professionally in a work meeting and probably wouldn’t let feelings like this show. Dream Diane has no reason to double check herself. This is just how she thinks she’d react if there were absolutely no constraints. Not that she’s actively thinking- she’s just doing.

Diane is very excited to be watching the news, and Adrian thinks she’s nuts-- there are scandals! Like the missing $35k and THE EMAILS. The GODDAMN EMAILS. Even a fictional joke about how they’d still be a scandal makes me mad. Twenty years from now it will still be too soon to remind me of the emails. (And to play Fight Song, that song is cancelled.)

A haircut is also a scandal because sexism.

I admire this show for calling attention to problems on both sides without ever screaming BOTH SIDES ARE EQUALLY BAD. This episode may call out some of the good things that have happened as a result of the 2016 election, but the whole premise of this joke rests on the fact that only one of the two potential administrations could run through a year’s worth of scandals in a day.

Might circle back to this later on-- btw I write these after watching the whole episode, so I do know what’s going to happen next-- but I don’t think the show is trying to make the case that it’s good 45 was elected. I think they’re trying to ask questions about how the world has changed and cause and effect so we can understand the moment we’re in. Above, I said I liked hearing my neighbors cheer every night. And I could write a lot of words on how that collective activity inspires me, makes me feel connected even when I’ve been stuck inside for a month, etc, how I’ve gotten better about keeping in touch with old friends, whatever, and NONE of that would mean that a global pandemic is a good thing. It just means that like any huge societal phenomenon, its implications are complex.

TGF and TGW have always, always, always been shows about understanding where we are in time. That’s what this episode does. And it makes sense to do a thought experiment like this now, at the start of season 4, in a season opener. We’ve had enough time living in this world that we can reflect on it.

Diane laughs, because what Diane dream sequence would be complete without a glorious laugh?

Adrian’s kinda suspicious of Hillary. Sure, cancer’s been cured, but it’s not public how or when!

God it’s weird to hear some of the most absurd happenings of the last three years as punchlines.

The line about the Obama’s overall deal at Netflix is fire.

Diane laughs AGAIN.

Oh right, Harriet Tubman was going to be on the $20 bill. (Is it obvious yet that I am the exact right target for this episode?)

Julius is VERY mad about Hillary’s $500 haircut. Heh. He’s also publicly supporting Trump which is interesting (and probably a dream logic thing; Diane knows he supported Trump therefore in her dream he isn’t ever hesitant to share that he voted for Trump.)

“Only Hillary could cure cancer and turn it into a scandal,” someone else adds. I’m loving all these jokes. He is mad cancer wasn’t cured earlier and that it’s been cured in an election year. This joke is funny because it’s exactly what would happen in this scenario.

I wonder if Julius would be more likely to speak up about his political affiliation if the stakes were lower. If 45 lost, then is supporting him as much of a thing to hide in a place like RBL? People would be mad but they probably would get over their moral opposition to his views a lot faster when it isn’t a real threat.

Diane’s brought in a huge client, which is news to her. And that client is none other than Harvey Weinstein, which… my God this is an interesting thought experiment.

“I’m amazed you got him away from Lisa Bloom,” Adrian says. YIKES!!!! (If y’all haven’t read Catch and Kill yet, pick up a copy ASAP.)

No one’s heard of Weinstein’s sexual assault issues. I believe it. I mean, I think some women in power might have known before 2017-- I still vividly recall how many journalists reacted to the release of the story not with “Oh my God, how has this been going on for so long?” but with “Holy shit, someone managed to publish a story about this?!”-- but I’ll believe that the general consensus in elite liberal circles was to set the rumors aside and not share them widely.

I can’t watch this episode without thinking about VIP Treatment (2x05 of TGW). That episode, which raises the question of what happens when someone accuses a liberal legend of sexual assault, feels so ahead of its time. It aired in 2010. And I just, right this moment, learned that it was ripped from the headlines about accusations a masseuse made against Al Gore. Guys. I didn’t know there were allegations in 2010 about Al Gore. Is that because I was 16 in 2010 and just never heard of (or forgot about) the story? Is it because he had less power? Is it because of something specific about the reporting or the allegations? Or is it because we as a culture swept it under the rug since it was (allow me to be the millionth person to make this awful joke) an inconvenient truth?

I don’t know the answers to the above. What I do know is that this episode is making me ask those questions.

In Marissa’s world (“you mean reality?”), 45 bragged about grabbing women by the pussy and then lost the election. And the story ended there. There was no women’s march, no #MeToo.

Sarah Steele gets to react to a lot of things in this episode and it is very delightful to see her say things like, “what are pussy hats?”

Diane looks so angry and stunned when she realizes that Weinstein is still “a thing” in the world.

He won the Presidential Medal of Freedom because of course he did.

His wikipedia page says his only controversies are about his managerial style. Yikes.

Marissa’s reaction to the phrase “masturbating into plants” is one of the best things about this episode. I love that she gets so hung up on it.

Charlie Rose is the first name other than Weinstein that comes to mind for Diane when Marissa asks what other men were serial harassers. I’ve got to think that Rose gets the most attention here in no small part because he was part of the CBS family-- he was even on TGW.

I’ve seen Annaleigh Ashford in so many things recently.

Diane handles the meeting with Team Weinstein VERY poorly (she also does not care to handle it well), while Adrian covers with the “all options are open to us” gibberish that Diane absolutely would be able to convincingly deploy in a meeting she couldn’t follow. I point this out because it shows that 1) Diane isn’t behaving the way she would in reality and 2) Diane does not give a fuck.

If this were reality, would Diane push so hard in this meeting? I don’t know. This situation is so far removed from reality it’s hard to tell. But my sense is that Diane would like to think of herself as someone who would never waver in her commitment to Doing The Right Thing, but she’d probably be a lot more diplomatic-- even in real 2020-- in initial meetings. It’s a bit dated at this point, but in VIP Treatment Diane was hesitant to believe the victim because the man accused of assault was a high profile liberal. To her credit, she does eventually choose the victim over her own politics. But I could totally see Diane-- with no knowledge of the real timeline-- behaving like her friend/HRC’s press secretary Zoe does in this episode.

All that to say: personally, I don’t think #MeToo would’ve caught on to the extent it did if women weren’t already angry. I believe there could have been a hashtag and some stories (maybe even the Weinstein story). But I also believe women felt an urgent need to speak out and organize. And I believe that more women were inclined to believe victims and get angry. And I believe that it was only because of the world in general that #MeToo spread outside of a few online circles. To put it another way, you know how there are sometimes cases of the week on this show where you might know the reference in detail, but if you ask a co-worker or friend about it they’ll know either nothing or only the very basics? I think all of #MeToo could’ve ended up like one of those cases if it hadn’t played out with 2017 in the background.

Dreams aren’t subtle: Weinstein’s publicity tour includes appearances with Charlie Rose and Matt Lauer. (This joke also serves as a reminder that sexual harassment is a systemic problem.)

Diane is SO confrontational in this meeting. Also, the woman they’re meeting with is SO FRIGGIN COMPLICIT.

Weinstein’s team frames sexual assault allegations-- which are still floating around even in alt2020-- as a Republican conspiracy. I have no doubt they would have used this approach if given the chance.

I’m on page six and fifteen minutes in, damn.

Adrian, or Diane’s version of Adrian, does not believe women and seems to hate Hillary Clinton a little bit too. An accurate portrayal of Adrian? Lines that betray Diane’s suspicion of where Adrian stands on women’s issues? Or just that Adrian is there to be the person pushing back and it could’ve been anyone? (I think it’s somewhere between the first two, personally. If this could’ve been anyone, why not Liz?)

In this alternate universe NBC’s refusal to broadcast Ronan Farrow’s investigation is proof of Weinstein’s innocence, because in the alt universe we still apparently have faith in the corporate culture at NBC. (Perhaps the most surprising thing to me about Catch and Kill is that a LOT of it is dedicated to exposing the shit that went down within NBC. It’s fascinating and also makes it crystal clear how assault is a systemic problem and not just a few bad apples you should avoid being alone with.)

Adrian’s reaction when Diane mentions Reddick (Adrian knows nothing of the accusations in this universe) changes the tone of this scene in an instant and it’s breathtaking. This is the one moment in the episode where she knows she has to shut up.

The one thing about this ep I am not sure I buy is that the firm is struggling because of the rise in corporate taxes. But I know so little about this issue I don’t care if it’s right or wrong.

After Diane leaves Adrian’s office, Liz asks, “What about my dad?” meaning she somehow heard the conversation through the wall. (The door was definitely closed so either their office design is worse than I thought or it’s just dream logic.) Diane doesn’t share the rumor with Liz.

Lucca is for some reason on this case, and they are for some reason in court on the same day they learned about the case. And the best part is that I don’t have to worry about whether or not this is plausible BECAUSE IT’S ALL A DREAM

Another thing I’ll say about this ep-- it’s pace remarkably well. The opening previews what’s to come, there’s just enough happy liberal utopia with funny jokes at the start, the Weinstein twist comes at the right moment, and the shift to the more dark, character focused scenes that wrap up the episode come exactly when the writers have gotten as much mileage as they can out of this premise. I knew this episode would be fantastic the moment I saw it was only 41 minutes long.

The judge keeps saying the opposing counsel’s full name, Ann Howard. Is this supposed to be a familiar name to me? I am not getting the reference.

The judge’s ruling is basically that no one would take the risk involved in assaulting someone at work these days so the case must be bogus. And then we see, immediately (because, dream) that the judge is totally corrupt and just wants to get his daughter an internship with Weinstein.

“Justice is an equation. Justice equals the law times the zeitgeist. The law on its own doesn’t stand up. You need the mood of the times on your side,” Diane eloquently explains. That’s basically what this episode is saying. To put it more simply: Context matters and nothing happens in a vacuum. (TGF and TGW were always about the context-- you simply couldn’t do a show about a woman standing by her cheating politician husband and being REVERED for it in 2020. That’s not about the law, but the same principle applies.)

Lucca says they won, so the zeitgeist worked for them-- and how could it be against women when the president is a woman? Remember how the Kings used to say that TGF was going to be about Diane retiring because she thought the glass ceiling had been shattered? I always thought that sounded wrong, but this episode is helping me understand what they were thinking a little bit.

Lucca calls out Diane, a bit abruptly, on how only the woman partners probably would get to say “no more” if there were to be a women’s movement because the associates can’t risk it. Lucca’s right and she’s wrong-- her words underestimate how mainstream and trendy it’s become to publicly talk about sexual harassment, but she’s 100% right that there are still underlying power dynamics.

Diane’s Lucca is V V V V V V V concerned with power dynamics and VERY much wants to be higher ranking. On the one hand, actual Lucca wants to rank higher too. On the other, is there a piece of Diane that sees Lucca as power hungry?

Lucca’s asked to take documents to Weinstein, and she’s flattered. Diane, like every viewer, sees this as a car crash in slow motion. She knows exactly what will happen when Lucca gets to his hotel with the documents. But Lucca, who’s in the dark, only knows it’s a good opportunity to impress a huge client.

Diane tells Weinstein’s… whatever she is? That she is “Harvey’s pimp” and she is not wrong. Also since I don’t actually know this woman’s job title I’ll just refer to her that way moving forward.

(See what I mean about Diane just saying things that are totally unprofessional bc this is a dream Diane who does what she wants and not actual Diane making tough decisions?)

Lucca is REALLY bitter about how Diane is always taking opportunities away from her. They’re definitely trying to do something with Lucca in this episode but as I said earlier, I think I need to see what they have planned for the rest of the season before I can fully understand what they’re going for.

Diane tells Lucca exactly what is going to happen when she goes to drop off the papers. Lucca won’t hear it, so Diane asks Marissa to keep an eye on her.

Another possibility for what they’re trying to do with Lucca (and Adrian): Maybe it’s supposed to be about how different Types would react-- the powerful man who benefits from not questioning things and has some latent sexism issues; the ambitious young woman who gets caught in a bad situation because she’s trying to move her career forward. The more I think about it, the more I think this is what they’re going for-- and the question I should be asking is what does it mean about Adrian and Lucca (in terms of how the writers see them, in terms of how Diane sees them) that they can take on these roles so easily?

(It may say nothing about Diane because… idk, do YOU do thoughtful character analysis in your sleep? Because I don’t!)

Marissa is still stuck on the plants and I love it.

Lucca catches Marissa right away, but all that accomplishes is that both of them clearly see that Diane is right. These scenes feel a little unnecessary (they’re also not in Diane’s POV, though surely dreams can have tangents) and I think they’re only here to illustrate how the system works. I can’t imagine this scene is teaching many people new information.

Also there’s… just not another scene with Lucca in this episode? And I don’t know if I feel like that’s a bad thing or like it’s part of dream logic? I think it’s probably just bad plotting that the unnecessary sequence ends abruptly and doesn’t return.

“With the presidency, women can do whatever they want,” says one of Diane’s liberal friends at a women’s event. I’m… not 100% sure anyone would say this. If this were true why would they even be having a gala for a women’s charity? But point taken. People love this type of statement.

So Diane’s extremely low cut dress like has a mesh thing covering her exposed chest??I can’t figure it out.

Weinstein is also a hero to everyone at the feminist charity. When Diane hears this, she gives an interview to a reporter about having a long way to go, which I 100% believe would be the message no matter reality we’re in what because literally no one is going to say please donate to my cause we have no battles left to fight BUT I DIGRESS. Diane tries to ignite #MeToo (and even name checks Tarana Burke, so that’s awesome) and is quickly cut off.

Then, after giving the interview, she has Jay (hello!) set her up on Twitter. Dream Diane is revealing just how little she understands how social media works. She also wants to link to a “Me Too Site” which is… not how any of this works, Diane.

Diane sees herself on the news-- she’s mostly cut from the piece and her words are taken out of context.

Adrian and Liz stare Diane down for calling Weinstein’s pimp a pimp and Diane defends herself. Liz doesn’t believe this either. Diane is asked to sign a VERY RIDICULOUS (like it sounds like 45 more than anything else) apology letter and laughs.

Liz reminds her that they’re close to bankruptcy and that they’ve defended killers before (oh, and, most relevant-- the assholes to avoid case, I can’t believe I went to 205 to think about how Diane would react in a more nuanced present day situation when I had that example!), why would Diane draw the line here? “Everyone deserves a defense. Just not everyone deserves MY defense,” Diane says. You know it’s a dream when a character on this show actually says that. Do you know how many times (if you’re still reading this you probably do know) I have written something to the effect of “SAYING EVERYONE DESERVES REPRESENTATION IS NOT THE SAME AS REPRESENTING THEM YOURSELF, LIZ/DIANE/ADRIAN/WILL/ALICIA/CARY/LUCCA/WHOEVER”? It’s been a lot.

(Here is something I wrote in a case in which Diane, at the height of #MeToo, defended some assholes for money: “‘I wouldn’t say hate. We’re obligated,’ Diane says. Ohhh yes this is a new pet peeve. Y’all are not obligated. You were not assigned this case. You chose to take it for the money.”)

Idk what my point is here, maybe that this feels like a dream because the characters are never this principled in reality.

Zoe, the press secretary, wants Diane to shut down #MeToo. Lucca’s there too, but she says nothing (despite the experience she may have just had, because dream). Zoe doesn’t want women to get angry about abuse because “that’s not the message that helps us in 2020.” Ooof. But I buy it. I am not sure if it’s ACCURATE that anger wouldn’t help but I can completely see campaign staffers being afraid it would hurt, especially given that Bill Clinton has… more than a few issues.

This scene veers into Diane’s POV. The camera gets closer and closer to her as she feels boxed in, and Liz, Adrian, and the pimp stare accusingly at her. Suddenly she realizes she doesn’t know where Kurt is because she’s spent the last few days at work. I think the most dream-like thing about this is the way Kurt just suddenly pops into the dream and shifts the tone of the whole thing.

She runs off. Liz and Adrian ask Diane to step back from the firm for Weinstein and she’s like, okay, I’m going home, “I don’t know how I changed my clothes, I went to that event last night and I have different clothes on now and I don’t know where Kurt is.” I LOVE watching this whole episode twist into something this weird.

When Diane gets home, there’s a man fixing her door. He’s watching Trump TV, which is currently airing Felix Staples singing “This Wall is Your Wall” and honestly this is the best use of Felix Staples in the show so far.

The man fixing Diane’s door also remembers reality. He doesn’t know why he’s fixing Diane’s door. It’s disorienting.

Diane gets a beer with the man fixing her door and wonders about if she even likes this world where HRC is president (or if the problem is just that she doesn’t believe it). (I think she’d like it just fine if she experienced it linearly, tbh.)

Sexy gun lady from a previous episode is back, and Kurt’s guns are missing because he didn’t want them to be confiscated (I do not believe this would ever be a policy but this is a full on illogical dream right now) and now Diane is talking to the TV.

“I’m in the car, right?” Diane says while standing in her bedroom and pretending to grab a steering wheel. Heh.

Diane drives to a cabin in the woods (the way this is shot is SO atmospheric) and finds Kurt, in shadow, in the woods. So THIS is what Robert King was going for in Mind’s Eye in the clumsily directed scene with fake Will in shadow. Gotta say, the whole “person you love and can’t quite picture” thing works a ton better when it is obvious it’s an intentional style choice.

This scene is so weird because suddenly politics doesn’t matter and Diane only cares about Kurt and also Kurt might be dead? I am not sure I understand what this is saying. And I’m pretty sure I spent the entirety of this scene the first time through alternating between thinking “ooh pretty”, “this is what 614 wanted to be,” and “please don’t kill Kurt!!”

Kurt pulls Diane to reality and gets her to recap where we left off. She wakes up on the floor of her bedroom. She and Kurt have both, thankfully, survived Book Club’s SWATting.

HA the first thing Diane says when she wakes up is “What happened?” which… that HAS to be intentional right????

To check that Diane is of sound mind, one of the agents asks her how many fingers he’s holding up and who’s president. She laughs.

This episode is UNDER 40 minutes if you exclude the credits and promo.

Guess we’re not doing recap songs.

Had a lot to say about this one. I’ve liked TGW’s mind-y episodes more, but that’s not really a fair comparison since the point of this wasn’t character study… it was tone setting.

What this episode does NOT give me is a sense of what season 4 will be about, other than the usual absurdity.

#the good fight #tgfthoughts

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liskantope · 4 years

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[Warning: good old gratuitous rant describing really bad SJ/wokeness ahead.]

Over the past 4-5 years or so, I’ve had exactly one person on my Facebook newsfeed who is both a PoC and talks on a personal level about racial issues. Plenty of my white Facebook friends (predominantly from academia) constantly demonstrate wokeness on racial issues there, but this is the one PoC Facebook friend (an African-American, who grew up with white parents and mostly away from African-American culture to the best of my knowledge, isn’t academic, and isn’t liberal or even particularly woke on other issues) who does it.

(Well, for the sake of honesty, that’s not entirely true. For a few of those years I had another PoC friend (not black) who effusively espoused woke views on race, and who disturbed me from a psychological standpoint on an even deeper level than the person I’m focusing this post on. But a while back I had to cut her off completely for entirely personal reasons some of which involved third parties. I’m pretty sure she’s somewhere on Tumblr, considered her a friend once, and don’t care to talk about her here.)

I was Facebook friends with the subject of this post for longer than the 4-5 years I’ve mentioned; we were originally friendly acquaintances (she seemed like a super nice and fairly functional person at the time) and I haven’t seen her since well before the time around 2015 or 2016 (can’t remember exactly when) she very abruptly went down a certain ideological rabbit hole.

Anyway, since she’s really my only PoC Facebook friend talking about these things and writes really well, and I’m at least woke enough to acknowledge that it’s the job of white people like myself to listen to the experiences and points of view of PoC on race, I do try to get what I can out of her posts.

Therefore, it’s unfortunate that she

went from 0 to 100 in the direction of modern wokeness on racial issues so fast that her brains flew out of her head and her hyper-awareness of race-related dangers clearly mixes in a really unhealthy way with her anxiety (clinically diagnosed and very apparent outside of racial issues); for an example see the story I described at the end of this post

considers all of her extreme opinions on race objective knowledge that she (alone of my African-American friends) feels forced to disseminate (or maybe it’s out of her purely generous nature?) and writes about how generously she’s “educating” white people with the most subtle yet exquisite condescension I can possibly imagine or would have the writing skills to convey myself if I wanted to, while complaining how exhausting it all is, eventually reaching a point that she’s charging money for her “emotional labor”* in meeting white friends for coffee to give them her “education” and occasionally advertises this minor side-business in Facebook statuses

seems to analyze every single everyday activity in terms of what race everyone is classed in to an extent that to my thinking would logically lead to complete cultural segregation rather than increased diversity; to take a minor example she wrote a rueful diatribe against a black woman on the bus who didn’t meet her attempt to make eye contact because “we black women are supposed to stick together”

occasionally espouses the (to my ears very-pseudoscientific-sounding, and anti-black racist!) theory that African-Americans’ genes were permanently damaged by slavery however many generations ago and talks about the collective trauma she has directly suffered because of slavery -- when she briefly wrote about it in a status she got comments that thanked her for (exact words) “giving us this education”

frequently shares posts of Ally Henny, a prominent writer who comes out with mini-essays on a daily basis some of which (at least the ones I see shared) sound exactly like conservative everyone’s-an-irredeemable-sinner Catholicism with certain words replaced, as if she’s not even making the slightest effort not to sound that way -- one (from the end of last year that I’m not up for hunting down right now) even described what in essence sounds like a second coming!

is surrounded by (mostly white) worshippers and sycophants who immediately dogpile anyone who posts a disagreeing comment (to be fair, the quality of dissenting comments is not high and often comes from an ignorant or obtuse place, making the discussions on her wall even less beneficial to me) in a vicious, vindictive manner

loves to make posts deriding “mediocre white men” (e.g. paraphrased from memory “Maybe the reason so many white men refuse to acknowledge their privilege is that they just don’t want to acknowledge their own mediocrity”, and just the other day, “To have the boldness of a mediocre yt man. That is my goal in life!”) which promptly get applauded by her big group of snickering (mostly white) sycophants; I don’t even want to try to get into the layers of abusive this tactic is (and again she came across, both in-person and online, as a super sweet person prior to 2015-ish)

(and oh yeah, for some reason my white privilege blinds me from seeing, she can no longer actually spell out the phrase “white person”; following Ally Henny she has to write the modifier as “wight” or “yt” or “wh*te” or use “person of whiteness” [EDIT: just found out this, at least on Henny’s part, apparently has something to do with too much use of the phrase “white people” setting off red flags for Facebook’s “community standards” algorithms])

the other day described a conversation on black friend’s wall (which I can’t see) about a representation issue where a white guy politely disagreed; she proudly reports that she told him that “disagreeing with a black woman is not a Good Look, even if done respectfully” at which point the guy angrily left the conversation; she holds this up as an example of white fragility

and finally, tonight’s post which was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me: she complains that in her “largely unproblematic” cooking group online forum a black woman asked if any other PoC could share a recipe for banana pudding with her and several white people replied, “I’m not a PoC but...” and provided a recipe; she decries this as white people taking space away from PoC... in a NON-RACIALLY-SEGREGATED ONLINE FORUM. FOR COOKING. Because apparently the need to acknowledge race in each and every daily activity extends keeping the taint of whiteness out of BANANA PUDDING RECIPES**, and anyone who fails to respect this by giving her unsolicited white-person recipe suggestions is oppressing her.

Of course, when I say “straw that broke the camel’s back” I don’t mean that it will necessarily cause me to un-follow this person -- no, that would be much too responsible and sensible of me! -- I just mean that it caused me to stay up past my bedtime ranting on Tumblr. (And yes, at this point I probably should un-follow her. And go back to staying away from Facebook altogether.)

I guess if this post actually had a point, it would be that my social media sphere has not exactly served me well in providing PoC voices that I can actually learn from (and yes, I’m aware of the laziness and disingenuousness this comment implies, but I’ll leave it here as a tongue-in-cheek conclusion).

*Her implication that this falls under the umbrella of “emotional labor”, even taken in a broader pop activism social context, is on shaky ground in my opinion.

**This would be significantly different if we were talking about a dish coming from a nonwhite culture, e.g. jambalaya, but as far as I know you can’t get much more culturally white than banana pudding.

#social justice #racism #emotional labor #catholicism #bullying cw #Snark #Might delete this

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ranger-kellyn · 4 years

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11 Favorite Excerpts

In honor if it being the 11 year anniversary of the first fic I ever posted, Platinum Bound, I thought I’d list out 10 of my favorite excerpts from everything I’ve posted so far, 1 from something I haven’t posted yet, and then kind of just. Talk about it~

As always, feel free to talk to me about any of my fics, no matter how old or new~ I’m very vain~<3

1 - Come With Me - Prologue - 03/02/2015 - Completed

A day that was supposed to be filled with sorrow and mourning had turned out to be very lovely. The cold that had long persisted since November had decided to lighten its icy grip on this one day in particular. It was almost a tragedy in itself that the weather failed to match the mood by pouring a relentless downpour. Rain was fit for a funeral. Not sunshine.

The opening to Come With Me has always had a special place in my heart, and while I know my writing has gotten better since then, I always hold up this opening as like...my premium brand, I suppose. I love the mood the prologue sets up for Siebold’s side of the story. Mismatched weather. His parents having the same death date. A sense of odd relationship dynamics with them. Clear indication that there’s going to be a lot of conflict with Jean as shown by Diantha, Siebold’d childhood friend, who has a clear disdain towards him. CWM may not be my BEST WORK, but it’s probably one of my favorites. ALSO....come on...the restaurant’s name is Apple of The Earth, which is a direct translation of pomme de terre, which is French for potato. And like???? i just get a little kick out of it every time

2 - It Takes Two - 12/16/2014 - Oneshot

Siebold chuckled. “A water dark type? My, my. You’ve already put yourself at a disadvantage. Cress shook his head. “Don’t give away your secret ingredient just yet, Siebold. Leave something to the imagination, please,” he teased.

If there is ONE THING I LOVE it’s writing flirty banter for these two, and this fic if full of it. My first fic for Cress/Siebold, staking my claim on the pool noodle that is this ship. I AM the captain of this pool noodle

3 - Second Chances - Chapter 7 - 06/14/2017 - Ongoing

“It was supposed to be me!” . . . Shaking, she stopped herself in the front hallway. Looking over the large, glass-famed map, she felt as though she was leaving her own body as she slammed herself against it in a last ditch effort to feel something other than emotional pain. In an effort to put a physical wound to her emotional one.

There’s plenty of happier lines from this fic I could choose. Ch 10 had a section I was considering instead, but I think this emotionally charged section has always stood out for me. I like to generally characterize Cynthia as someone who is in control of her emotions, or at the very least, is very good at compartmentalizing things, but here, she absolutely loses it. No rationality. No seeking help. Just raw pain. It was supposed to be me. Because it was! It absolutely was! In the previous chapter you learn that Diantha had fully intended to propose to her! But was instead manipulated by her mother and manager into leaving Cynthia. While Cynthia didn’t know that, we do, and that makes that line so much more painful to me. I swear. ONE DAY. I’ll actually finish this fic.

4 - Fortune and Fame - Chapter 1 - 03/23/2016 - Completed

“The best part of that outfit would be taking it off.” Her mouth turns into a smile. “I should think so,” she tells you.

Second person POV is a HUGE pain in the ass, but I still love this silly little fic, and I love this silly little moment EVEN MORE. What can I say. I love flirty banter. This whole fic was an absolute experiment, and while it certainly could be better, considering 2POV is not something I regularly work with, I’ve never been too upset with it.

5 - Stockholm - Chapter 4 - 06/20/2016 - Ongoing

“You’re my mission and my mission alone. I don’t need outside help,” he tells me. I catch myself about to laugh. “Figured you would welcome it seeing as whatever you think you’re doing to me clearly isn’t working.” He moves closer, enough for me to feel the warmth of his body, but it’s only when I think he’s looking at my lips do I come to my senses, pulling my legs up to my person, and pushing back up against the wall. “I would say it’s working just fine.”

i like to think of this fic as me playing in a sandbox. i don’t REALLY know what i’m doing, but i’m having fun, and that’s all that matters. This is a fic I had been thinking about for the longest time. I abandoned it back in 2016. I don’t really remember why, but I posted the first update early this year, and I just. I’ve been loving it since. I haven’t played in first person in SUCH a long time, it’s just nice to play in the space, and explore a darker emotion I guess. Game verse Commander Saturn/Dawn is always a weakness of mine

6 - Shadows of My Heart - Chapter 4 - 02/22/2011 - Completed

Looking at Kellyn, I notice that he has taken his jacket off and is now offering it to me. Shaking my head, I tell him that I can't take it, even though I would love nothing more than to take him up on his offer. He walks closer, smiling as he places his jacket over me. Now, the only thing I hear is the sound of the rain bouncing off of Kellyn's jacket, and the sound my own heartbeat. I'd have to be crazy or dead to not be blushing right now, and obviously my pulse is still going…

if you’ve followed me for a few years, you might think this is a weird pick for me. i complain about it a lot. i experience a lot of visceral cringe whenever i reread it (Like i did just now searching for a section i liked) But that’s why I like it. I love having this visible benchmark of where I’ve come from, and where my ideals have shifted to. I’ve always written Kellyn as my Ideal Man™© and in this fic he is suCH A “NICE GUY” AND IT’S JUST. SO BAD. I’M SO GLAD I’M NOT WITH THE KIND OF PERSON I USED TO WISH I WAS WITH. This fic is, at best, clumsy. Younger me was venting a LOT of stuff. Everything I put Rhythmi through in the fic, I was dealing with irl, and NOT handling them well. I never recommend this for reading, but I list it here because it’s like looking in a time capsule.

7 - Washington Blues - Chapter 2 - 04/30/2012 - Abandoned Work

Looking back up at me, the afternoon sun shines on her face. As if I needed to be reminded that she is very pretty. “I believe that it is too soon to be giving a definite answer, but,” she pauses to brush some hair behind her ear, “I do believe I am going to like it here.” I nod, liking the answer she has provided. I put my pink bag over my shoulder, and step down the stairs. “That’s good to hear. I do hope you come to love our little band,” I say, putting a little emphasis on “our”. Hopefully she will start using that term as well.

This fic has been abandoned since 2012, but as I was rereading it just now, I...felt a weird urge to give it a second chance? Marching band was my EVERYTHING in high school. It was basically my personality. It and Homestuck. If nothing else, I think I might give this fic a redo, because it’s something my younger self would have loved. I had so many ideas I wanted to explore and I think it would be a fun space to explore. Just reading it I got the most tactile memories of band camp, from the sounds, all the way down to the god awful smells. One day I’ll give this fic another go, but probably in 3rd person lmao. Also, it’s kind of funny. I remember holding this fic up as like. My Magnum Opus. I considered chapter 1 to be the BEST thing I had written up to that point. Now? It’s so fucking D RY......and no real person talks like they all do l m a o I love being able to see how far I’ve come.

8 - Hindsight - Sometime Feb 2014? - Oneshot for an old RP group

This question led him to placing both of his hands in his lap. “I would never describe her as winter. It’s the season she hates the most. From what I’ve gathered during our travels together, understandably so,” he answered, not meeting her eyes.

While this fic is OLD it holds a very special place in my heart. I had stopped writing for a while. For about 2 years nothing I wrote ever really panned out, and joining that RP group was literally the best thing I could have done for my creativity. It was so much fun, and I met some truly incredible people thanks to it. Literally, everything I’ve written since I attribute to that group. <3 I may not talk to most of them anymore, but I have some of the best memories of that time, and I just. Genuinely don’t think I would have HALF of what I have written now if it hadn’t been for their support. <3

9 - Ours For The Taking - Chapter 2 - 01/28/2012 - Abandoned Work

Killing is in the nature of almost every Pokémon, but we humans have inhibited that out for the most part. It doesn't take much to trigger the instinct though. A couple kills and then they thirst for blood.

Now i know this looks like a WACK ASS PICK. It’s been abandoned since 2012. It’s bad. It’s gore. It’s bad. But that’s exactly why I picked it. That, and I know it would chap Farla’s ass bc she told me years ago how awful this fic was. The whole reason my writing confidence took a blow. I can look back and know that this fic wasn’t great, but I hate for my younger self that they were knocked down like that. You can’t learn the boundaries of your writing until you try to push them. Maybe I could have turned into a great gore/horror writer if I hadn’t been knocked down? Who knows? But because of that negative experience, I now approach all comments I leave on fics with “unconditional positive regard”. I firmly believe if someone wants con-crit they’ll ask for it, and even then, I’m not someone who is going to offer up that criticism. That’s not my jam. I’m just here for a good time. This fic may be bad, but that’s why I love it. I love how over the top, 2Edgy4me the two chapters are.

10 - Getaway Car - Chapter 5 - 01/01/2019 - Ongoing

Pulling away just enough to make them look at one another, Cynthia looked her over. She was getting more drunk admissions than she ever thought she would, and she was in no frame of mind to worry about pushing her luck. “How did that make you feel?” she asked. She let her hand trail down her arm as she spoke. “Grounded. Like nothing else in the world mattered except us in that moment. I wasn’t worried about filming, deadlines, what people might say or think, or– anything, really. All that mattered was the calm you brought me, and how without meaning to you’ve made me feel like the most important person in the room.”

It’s no secret that Getaway Car is like. MY BABY. This is MY FIC. MY BABY. I CHERISH THIS FIC FOR SO MANY REASONS. I like venting through characters, and this fic is no exception. But I loved writing this moment specifically, because it just...I think it encapsulates everything Diantha has been looking for. She lives a charmed, chaotic life. Up to that point in the fic, she’s with a man who can’t really be bothered to give her the time of day, but also can’t handle the idea of letting her go. Without meaning to, without necessarily trying to, Cynthia makes her feel like the most important person in the room. She grounds her, and someone who lives a star-studded life needs that. This fic is my baby. My everything. It’s probably what I’m known for at this point, and I’m A-OK with that because these two are my everything. (ALSO, I specifically posted this fic when I did to get Farla to leave me a review, and had a good laugh about it when she did. My “bat shit crazy” plot device has ended up being my most popular fic~)

11 - Namtaflu - Chapter _ - Draft from NaNoWriMo 2019

The sound of something rising to the surface of the water attracted everyone’s attention. Turning their eyes towards the water, one by one, countless Starmie and Staryu began to surface, floating atop the water, their bright gem center’s shining in the moonlight. “Oh, wow,” Bianca said, holding the Audino closer to herself. "What are they doing?” Hilbert asked, turning himself so he wasn’t having to strain to look at them. Cheren shrugged. “They’ve always done this.” "They’re looking at the stars,” Hilda added. “It’s what Nona would always tell me. She said she read it in a book somewhere. They surface at night to look at the stars, and they’ll even start blinking here soon.” As she said it, from out in the distance, quick flashes of red began to move along the waves, reminding both her and Cheren of fireflies from further south. Soon enough, the entire shoreline was filled with the water pokémon blinking away at the stars, almost as if they were communicating with each other, or even something else. A few Audino continued to sit with them, everyone moved to silence by the display, afraid to make a single noise, not wanting to scare them at all and make them stop. The display moved in waves, like a heartbeat, ebbing and flowing. At times they were bright enough to cast a glow onto the shore, and at others it seemed like they had collectively stopped for the night. Once Broadway and Manhattan had decided to retire for the night, the group came to an agreement that it was time they retired for the night as well. They had stayed up long past sundown, but it had been worth every second.

I won’t be posting this fic WELL until my three current ongoing fics are completed, but this fic is pretty much everything to me. I first got the idea for this fic back in 2013, my senior year of high school. I wrote the first draft my first NaNoWriMo in 2014, and did a second draft of it last year. This fic has evolved SO MUCH, but this last draft is where I’m REALLY happy with it. I firmly believe there’s never a “right time” to write a fic, but I also believe this fic absolutely benefited from me not posting it after that first draft. They’re almost two entirely different stories. The original had a lot of unhealthy relationship dynamics, and this time, i decided, FUCK THAT, and now it’s a hilda/hilbert/cheren/bianca poly fic ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ I can’t wait for the day when I actually get to share this fic with the world.

#writing tag #my fics #i spENT ALL DANG DAY ON THIS

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marshmallowprotection · 4 years

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Hey you don't have to answer this if its too personal, but I was skimming your masterlists (congrats, you are my current bedtime story obsession) and I found the one about gastroparesis. I was diagnosed out of the blue with that years ago! They have no idea what caused it, they said I was at 98% dysfunction, but its gotten better the last few years. Just thought it was interesting, I've never met anyone else who had it.

TW: Health Issues

It’s not too personal! and I’ve spoken about it plenty of times. I’ve mentioned to you guys that I have a few chronic illnesses and that I’ve been sick pretty much since I turned 18 a few times. I consider myself a Spoonie. If you’d like to look into that. I follow a lot of other Disabled users on Tumblr in the community as when I first got sick, I started researching and trying to learn as much as I could and looking for anyone who has what I have because—

Honestly, I’ve never met another person in person who has what I have and is as young as I am. I’ve dealt with a lot of “you don’t look sick,” and “you’re too young to be this sick,” and my personal favorite, “wow, Kaitlyn, you lost all of that weight and now you’re beautiful,” as if my being fat before was ugly (god, don’t get me started), and now the only thing you see is a slender girl who is clearly barely standing up straight, with bags under her eyes, and is white as a sheet.

That’s a story for another day though. I won’t jam the blog with my experiences on that, but if anyone ever wants to talk to me about that, or they’re dealing with something similar, don’t hesitate to talk to me. I didn’t have anyone to turn to when I got sick so I’m always tending to make sure that someone has a voice to talk to.

Gastroparesis can stem from things like Diabetes, injury to your vagus nerve, hypothyroidism, other autoimmune disorders, etc. There are also idiopathic cases of Gastroparesis that cannot be explained whatsoever, as is the case with myself.

I woke up one morning, felt like I couldn’t breathe, thought I possibly just had an early symptom of a cold, tried to go to school, nearly passed out. It took months for them to explain what was happening to me and I kept getting wrong answer after wrong answer as I lost more and more weight. I lost over 120llbs during a five-month period, or less, honestly, my memory is getting shit. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t do anything with my body fighting me.

They can’t explain to me why this happened but it did. I have good days, okay days, and then the worst days of my life. I can’t eat like I used to and I mostly stay on liquids. I have to self medicate for it using diet changes and Miralax off and on. It’s changed my life in a lot of ways. It nearly killed me and sometimes I get hit with that and it’s daunting.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this, too. It affects a lot of people, mostly afab women, so there’s no surprise that there’s only one medicine that works for it and it didn’t work for me. I’m glad to hear that you’ve gotten somewhat better as some people tend to do after the initial flare onset, but it differs from person to person. I’ve been this way since 2016 and I will have this for the rest of my life, so I have learned to cope.

I do hope you continue to manage yours well, as it can rotate between good years and bad years. I wish your health good luck. It’s not easy having this condition and I pray your worst days are far easier than mine.

The whole reason that I wrote that specific scenario is because nobody writes for rare disorders like this one. I knew that nobody would write about one that is as “gross” and as “taboo”, so I did it myself. I wrote it partially for myself and for the chance that someone in this fandom came to my blog with the same disease that I have and they finally fucking saw something where they felt included in the story.

It’s hard to imagine myself in Otome. I have limitations, I am disabled, and if I can write something, even the smallest thing, to make sure that someone who needs to hear that they’re not gross and that they are loved, then I will be the one to do that. The whole reason I got into writing so intensely in this form is because I am sick, I haven’t been able to go back to school or get a job, and I spent so much time with my thoughts.

When I’m writing for you guys, it feels like I’m doing something to help others and that makes me feel better when I’m having the worst day. It’s important to me that I can write something that so people know that the characters love them no matter what, even I need to hear that sometimes.

#tw health #tw health issues #tw gastroparesis #shamelessuniversecollection #ask #mod kait #not mm

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popolitiko · 4 years

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Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz Tells the Story of the Teen He's Been Raising Whom He Calls His 'Son'The two-term Republican congressman surprised many with his Thursday announcement that he’s a parent, though he hasn’t adopted 19-year-old Nestor: “Our family’s defined by love”By Adam Carlson June 18, 2020

Six years ago, Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz says, he met the young boy he now calls his son.

Nestor Galban was 12 and had just arrived from Cuba, where he’d grown up and where his mother had recently died of breast cancer, Gaetz says. Then a state legislator, Gaetz was dating Nestor’s older sister.

And so Nestor moved in with them — “a modern family,” Gaetz says now.

He says that, except for an interruption during Nestor’s junior year after Gaetz and Nestor’s sister broke up, Nestor has basically lived with him since moving from Cuba.

“He is a part of my family story,” Gaetz, 38, tells PEOPLE, adding: “My work with Nestor, our family, no element of my public service could compare to the joy that our family has brought me.”

Geatz did not formally adopt Nestor (and he declines to discuss Nestor’s relationship with his biological family now). He re-frames the matter, saying, “Our relationship as a family is defined by our love for each other, not by any paperwork.”

Nestor, he says, “is my son in every conceivable way, and I can’t imagine loving him any more if he was my own flesh and blood.” Recalling those early days with Nestor — including a scene he paints of the two playing catch not long after the boy arrived to the U.S. — Gaetz warns that he might start to choke up.

“I just think that it’s been the greatest thing in my life that this young man has been a part of my family,” he says, “and going forward I look forward to being his biggest cheerleader.”

Perhaps the strangest thing about this story is that this is the first time any of it has been shared publicly.

On Thursday, Gaetz tweeted a photo of himself and Nestor, announcing that he’d been parenting the 19-year-old for years.

"I am so proud of him and raising him has been the best, most rewarding thing I’ve done in my life," he wrote before biting back at a Democratic congressman he had argued with at a hearing the day before over policing and raising kids of color.

“As you can imagine, I was triggered when (to make an absurd debate point) a fellow congressman diminished the contributions of Republicans because we don’t raise non-white kids,” he wrote. “Well, I have."

The second-term Republican congressman from Florida's Panhandle had not publicly identified himself as a father before this week and his office has said that he did not have kids.

His announcement drew widespread surprise and, in many left-leaning circles, much criticism. (It was alsorapidly meme'd.)

Detractors said Gaetz had turned the teenager into a prop; others called it a dismissive slight-of-hand — like shrugging off accusations of prejudice by pointing to personal friendships with people of color. Many pointed to his views on immigration more broadly. In a characteristic slam, one user tweeted: “Matt Gaetz using Nestor to score political points or to show he is not racist is disgusting.”

In other corners of social media, conspiratorial theories began tangling together about Nestor’s biography and his biological relatives.

None of that fazes Gaetz. “I haven’t responded to it there and feel no need to respond to it now,” he says of the social media discussion about Nestor. “My son and I owe no explanation about our family to the blue-checkmark brigade.”

“I don’t really live in the minds of others,” says the lawmaker who earlier this year made headlines for wearing a gas mask on the floor of the House of Representatives, in the early days of the novel coronavirus pandemic. “I live for the values and principles that matter to my constituents and that I’ve been raised with.”

He says he was motivated to speak out about Nestor because, in his view, he was being unfairly maligned after his viral argument with Democratic Rep. Cedric Richmond at a House Judiciary Committee hearing on Wednesday.

Richmond had been discussing the need for police reform and the "imminent threat" of police to black men. “People are dying as we talk. I am not interested in moving at a snail's pace. I’m not interested in a watered-down bill that mandates nothing,” he said.

Afterward, Gaetz said that he "appreciate[d] your passion" but then asked Richmond if he was saying none of the other representatives had non-white kids. (Richmond had referred to his own son.)

Richmond snapped back that he wouldn't be "sidetracked about the color of our children .... It is about black males, black people in the streets that are getting killed. And if one of them happens to be your kid, I'm concerned about him, too. And clearly I'm more concerned about him than you are."

"Excuse me, you're claiming you're more concerned for my family than I do?" Gaetz replied, voice rising to a yell. "Who in the hell do you think you are?"

Richmond later shot back: "Was that a nerve?"

The exchange, Gaetz says now, “made me want to get up and rip his head off.”

For years, Gaetz says he maintained Nestor’s privacy. But that, he insists, “is very different than suggesting I was hiding him.”

“Just imagine: You’re 12 years old, your mom has just died, you’re learning English as you’re trying to get your footing in school. It just wasn’t the right time in middle school and high school to subject him to politics,” Gaetz says now.

Of the incredulous responses he’s received from users who point back to a March 2016 photo in which Gaetz refers to Nestor as a “local student” or a 2017 Facebook video Gaetz recorded for constituents with Nestor sitting in the background in which he calls Nestor his “helper” (seeming almost to catch himself on an S-sounding word first), Gaetz says:

“I felt like coming to the country, dealing with the death of a mother, learning English and enduring the normal trials and tribulations of high school and middle school were enough on the young man’s plate.”

Now, however, Gaetz says that Nestor is ready: “He’s very eager to be identified as my son as publicly as people will accept it.”

Gaetz says his bond with Nestor has been known in his Florida community and among his social circle, including on Capitol Hill: “My friends know I have a son. The people who go to church with me know I have a son, my fellow soccer parents know I have a son.” (He says Nestor was his “best door-knocker” during his 2016 congressional campaign: “Nestor was very persuasive at getting people to accept Matt Gaetz yard signs.”)

On Twitter, former California Rep. Katie Hill, a Democrat, spoke out in defense of Gaetz’s revelation that he’s been secretly parenting a teenager.

"Many of you know @mattgaetz & I have an unlikely friendship. I can’t stand a lot of his beliefs but he’s been there for me when others haven’t," she wrote. "He talks about Nestor more than anything, has done so much for his son & is truly a proud dad."

Detailing the timeline, Gaetz tells PEOPLE Nestor lived with him for around four years after first arriving in Cuba before going to Miami for his junior year and living with his biological father: “Then he turned 18 [and] it was easier for him to just move back with me.” (Gaetz declines to specify when exactly he and Nestor's older sister broke up.)

Elsewhere in the interview, he describes the sequence of events this way: “There was a time period at the beginning of my service in Congress where, based on his age and other circumstances, it was not tenable for him to live with me."

With his own Twitter account, Nestor has been wading into the reaction online. He tweeted back at another user on Thursday: "I wanted as a secret before because I wanted to have a normal life without any of y’all getting in it. But now I’m 19 and I old enough to handle it."

Briefly speaking with PEOPLE while on the phone with Gaetz, Nestor says: “Matt is not my biological father, but he raised me as his own son when I came from Cuba after my mother’s death.”

“He’s always been a role model in my life,” Nestor says, rattling off a quick list of lessons learned: baseball, cooking, English. (“I taught him some Spanish, too.”)

Nestor, Gaetz says, has taught him patience — the kind any parent learns.

"Of course," he also says, "my views on race are informed by the fact that I have been raising a non-white child."

"I’ve had ‘the talk’ with Nestor about how to interact with law enforcement," he says. "It’s probably a different talk than I would have had if I had a white son."

In the fall, Nestor will start at Troy University in Alabama, where he plans to study nursing. The distance, Gaetz says, is “far enough away and still close enough.”

Their first parent-student visit to the campus is in three weeks, Gaetz says.

“I want to study nursing because I like helping people and I think every day being able to save people’s lives and being able to heal people and take care of them makes me happy,” Nestor says. Also: He really likes science.

“We’ve talked about the fact that college is the time in your life when you have the most free time but you can have some of the most daring consequences if you don’t manage it well,” Gaetz says.

He describes Nestor as a “star soccer player,” a jokester and a charmer — a “ham” — with a love of sports and, in his telling, a kind of amiable wryness. A teenager, in other words.

“And as I’ve talked to him throughout the day,” Gaetz says, “he’s very taken by the fact that he has a lot more followers on social media now.”

https://people.com/politics/matt-gaetz-tells-story-boy-he-raised-as-a-son/

#Matt Gaetz

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