#like i dont have a show im watching.. i've tried 7 different ones and i watch like 10mins and then im like nah :

[bunnihearted]

im depressed in a way that makes me unable to get into or enjoy anything and that's making me feel frustrated and unable to relax bc i cant escape into something and distract myself from the pain

[hiddenbeks]

obsessed with doing this quiz for my ocs. i think its very important that we all know that celyn is 86% j*ghead

[not-poignant]

im finally sick of my brain being shitty enough to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, but in the meantime i thought i might ask you this: in your wonderful answer to my ask re writer's block you mentioned burnout, which im pretty sure is whats happening to me. i dont want to ask you to give me a long answer if you dont have the energy for it, but i would like to know your thoughts on the matter. its been head empty hours over here 24/7 for months, lol, i miss creating

Helloooo,

I actually have written about burnout quite a bit because I've gone through burnout er, quite a bit... In fact I'm going through it again right now.

I have written a fairly long post about it in the past, so that's there if you want to read it.

I've had different kinds of burnout. I've had 'I couldn't write for years' burnout (literally, after university I just couldn't write anything for years and just assumed it was dead and gone because I didn't want to do it either), I've had burnout that's lasted months (even while like...writing as I am now), and so on.

A lot of dealing with burnout is just...resting more. Taking the pressure off yourself more. Grieving that you can't create right now without guilt-tripping yourself for it, a sort of 'I mourn that I can't do it, but there's nothing wrong with me and I am not failing because I can't do it. I need rest and care.' You can try little writer's block tricks here and there when you want to prod again. You can try other kinds of creativity. I can't write like I used to write, so I tried fanfiction. I can't write like I used to write fanfiction, which is why I've never written another Game Theory, because I just...don't want to write another story like that right now (I mean specifically all the sex every chapter, not the politics lmao). I've been feeling an urge to write poetry lately.

For you, through burnout, low-stakes creativity may help. Stuff that can be automatic (cross-stitch kits, where you're just doing someone else's pattern and don't need to really think about it beyond the stitching), colouring books. Or stuff that's low-stakes for you. For me that's often poetry. For you it might be something else.

I also think of getting through burnout where I can't create anything as needing to 'refill the well.' I catch up on shows I've been missing (writing as much as I do actually gives me no time for reading / watching media), I read books, I watch movies, I listen to new music and comfort music, etc. If my well is empty, rest will partially fill it, but so will inspiration. Watching Studio Ghibli for example almost always makes me think 'I want to write the way this makes me feel' - even if I don't write it, that little urge is like, a pulse or spark of alive-ness that gives the well a drop more inspiration for when I'm ready to write again.

It's very different for everyone though. It's important to address the basics - sleep, medications, quality of life, hydration, being well-fed, health (as much as health is possible) etc. If you're anxious and have insomnia and skip meals and forget to drink water etc. then it's back to square one with just...doing your best there. If that's mostly covered, then burnout is often just about meaningfully resting your mind.

I'd also add that there's different kinds of rest. Physical rest (sleeping / stretching), sensory rest (unplugging from screens and social media and overstimulation), emotional rest (time and space to express your feelings), spiritual rest (connecting with something greater than yourself - going into nature, community, giving, meditation etc.), mental rest (breaks, journalling), creative rest (like the cross-stitch and stuff I mentioned above) and social rest (spending relaxing time with people who love you as you are now).

So it's also worth looking at maybe... you're only focusing on one or two kinds of rest right now. Sometimes burnout requires that you address more of them. <333

There's no easy way through, because rest is the easiest way through, and rest is very hard (and not always possible to the degree we need it) for all of us in this day and age. Be gentle with yourself. I wasn't going to write a post as long as this but actually as someone who needs to hear these things myself right now, maybe you might need to hear some of them as well.

The main thing is burnout doesn't last forever, it's cyclical, it's not like chronic fatigue, or other chronic illnesses. Even people with chronic fatigue (like me!) can experience burnout cycles. So this will pass! You may not feel like writing again in the same way, and that's okay, whatever new version of you evolves out of your current exhaustion, I hope you enjoy that version of yourself, and learn to care for and show compassion to the current version of your tired self as well <3

[sometipsygnostalgic]

Time for more salt and violence :DDDD

7. Which character did you begin to hate not because of canon but how the fandom acts about them?

15. That one thing you see in fanart all the time

19. You're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

7. Which character did you begin to hate not because of canon but how the fandom acts about them?

I find myself VERY RESISTANT to this kind of shit so when the universe makes me feel like I want to hate a character I kind of go the opposite direction and love them harder than any of their fans.

For example I see so many infuriating takes with Catra and Hordak but I REFUSE to hate them. I insist on loving them more for all of their flaws, to be the one who loves them most for their character. I fucking adore those characters.

Maybe my opinion would be different if I was saturated by fandom like all the realtime watchers were? Like I'd be worn down.

I'm trying to think of other characters this DOES apply to.

For a show I'm genuinely obsessed with - The closest might be Lemongrab in AT fandom, he was super woobiefied by some people and some of those people were not particularly good to me or to the AT crew (talking events that happened over 10 years ago). I will be real it's nothing on the scale of what happened in shera fandom, and I still love Lemongrab as a character, but I avoid making anything with him in it because I don't want his fans to speak to me. Hoping the situation is different now.

There's also Simon Laurent from Infinity Train. I never particularly LIKED Simon, I find him interesting, but FUCKING HELL. TAKE ALL OF THE ABOVE CHARACTERS AND MULTIPLY IT BY 100. I was still getting messages from the "Simon Anon" A FEW WEEKS AGO SAYING THAT I NEED TO BOYCOTT INFINITY TRAIN because the creators said some stupid ableist about Simon, which they did, BUT IT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY LEAVE ME ALONE. Anyone who is a Simon stan is usually completely terrifying, and is occasionally racist or sexist depending on their stance on Grace while defending their precious white boy. Once I entered a server and someone IMMEDIATELY asked me what my thoughts on Simon were, they were completely ready to start a fight with me over it and I've never felt more terrified in my life.

I also got sick and tired of Hunter quickly for pretty much the same reasons as Simon, though he's not written to be an evil incel like Simon, he REALLY IS the woobie boy that everyone considers him to be adn that's why I don't like him. I appreciate his character arc but ehhhhhh I couldn't stand him until the end of season 2 and during season 3 where it finally got past the "im going to be MURDERED by BELOS if i dont do EVERYTHING IMMEDIATELY" phase. The reason Catra never falls into this category for me is because she had supervillain energy and tried so so hard to regain agency and she kicked Hordak's ass and opened the Portal. Hunter meanwhile takes every hit, and I just... it is painful to watch, especially having been in situations of fear and psychological abuse. I don't enjoy it and I don't enjoy the fandom's TERRIFYING OBSESSION with him.

Zuko is almost a character I don't like. There is no anti-fandom for Zuko so I have no reason to stubbornly love him. People always compare every redemption arc to Zuko and I am fucking sick of it.

15. That one thing you see in fanart all the time

If it's a group it's ALWAYS Best Friend Squad 4 man, which makes sense I guess since theyre The Main Group but like... Q_Q i just want to include Entrapta and Scorpia and make it a BFS/SPT combo. Is that self indulgent of me? Especially when it's S5 fanart, I want more Entrapta because she was basically with them the entire time! Aaaaaaaaaa!!!!! I have a lot of thoughts on "4 man BFS" as an entity and why it works as an answer to s1, and why it doesn't work so well in s5, and why I am sad there was no s5 closure to sPT even if that is a dead sPT i just wanted one more scene--

wait that's not really what this question is about, we are crossing into canon wishlist but also fanfic modern AU territory and ALLLLL of my annoyances with how Adora and Catra's friend groups are treated in those. Like how Bow, Glimmer, Scorpia, and Entrapta are supposed to be their BEST FRIENDS but all become irrelevant and straight up absent once Catradora are together. Uhhh...

Okay more about Entrapta, a pet peeve is when people give her Normal Hair. Like, not absolutely insanely long rapunzel hair. Just normal hair. IT'S NOT RIGHT--- i guess people find it hard to draw her hair if they're going for a more realistic style?

I actually like most She-ra art I see though. It's very rare I see something that annoys me. There's not enough fanart posted in this fandom recently for me to have seen something that grinds my gears. All the catradora art is fucking gorgeous. I don't look at nsfw so I have absolutely no thoughts about any weird tropes like I would for other fandoms like AT where the fandom was a lot straighter and drew more demeaning stuff including the girls.

19. You're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

I can hear Kan yelling at me to post Entrapdak under this heading. Fuck you, Entrapdak is great!

I don't have any really wild out there crackships, I don't have any "problematic pairings", but I usually get self conscious and cautious when I post Catrapta, or any Entrapta x a member of BFS stuff, LMAO. Even the normal fluffy stuff but especially the sex headcanon post yesterday with Catrapta. The issue is a lot of the time people are like "she's way older than the others???" and either I have to say "actually, that was a post by a character designer with no evidence in the show--" and I look like an idiot trying to justify something wrong, or I just say "theyre both somewhere in their 20s" and get it over with.

But I ship all of the princesses with each other, I especially think Entrapta x Everyone is fucking hilarious, just go off girl. I'm not ashamed of that per se, it's just some people in this fandom have a stick up their ass with anything that isn't a Certified Canon Pairing.

Now if you want something I do enjoy and am mildly disturbed by that, it's Seadak. Sea Hawk x Hordak. And also x Micah. Just pair the dads together. They have never interacted but isn't it fucking brilliant????

[olberic]

ranking games ive played in 2023:

hi! its that time of the year where i think back on the games and shows ive done this year and rank them based on personal enjoyment :-) i didnt play a lot of games this year, since i played all of them (ok all but one of them) for longer than usual.

and, as always, thank u gifmakers for making the gifs im including here and for all the work u do 💛

7. death end re;quest (2019)

bad game. couldnt finish it. what the back of the box said is not even close to the game’s actual vibe. combat system seems interesting but the rest of the story and characters and writing and design and visuals suck so bad it tanks the whole thing.

6. guilty gear xx ^ core plus r (2012)

…ive learned i just dont enjoy playing fighting games this year. i tried so hard. i want to like them. i just dont love them enough to get thru all of the stories in this game. its fun enough to get to learn all the characters, but needing to play so many of them so well to get it all…puts this game near the bottom of the list. this is the first game in my life ive ever watched someone else do a playthrough of, because i just didnt enjoy playing it enough to do it myself

5. guilty gear strive (2021)

as mentioned i dont love fighting games HOWEVER this one ranks significantly higher because i like the training modes where you complete specific challenges, and the game's visual appealing enough to make up for how bad i am at it.

4. ys ix: monstrum nox (2021)

ive decided to make it it december tradition to play an ys game, after playing ys viii last year. i’m still not finished it (in chapter 6 at time of writing) but it’s really fun! navigating the city with each character’s powers is super fun, and as with the last game i really enjoy the combat system. theres a few twists in the game i’m REALLY excited to figure out, and the cast of characters has charmed me enough to rank this number 4

3. tales of arise: beyond the dawn (2023)

i went back and replayed the main game in preparation for the DLC, so i put about 170 hours into this this year. both the main game and the DLC have some story issues, but the DLC does a better job of getting its points across. if it werent for how much i love the top games in this list, this would be first — i'm a total sucker for the tales games, and the gameplay in this one is so fun (im a law main) that i could keep playing this game over and over again. i also really like what the DLC did with the alphen/shionne storyline, and i think nazamil is a very interesting and well-portrayed character.

2. octopath traveler ii (2023)

octopath my beloved… i was already destined to love this since the first game is one of my all time favourites, but the sequel improved on it in so many ways. the crossed path stories, the in-combat party banter, and the interaction the characters have is a huge improvement on the first. as always, its extremely fun to play, the environment is gorgeous, the characters are well written, and the soundtrack is genuinely the best game soundtrack i've ever heard (along with the first octopath's soundtrack).

1. fire emblem: three houses (2019) and fire emblem warriors: three hopes (2022)

these two get to tie because theyre functionally the same game to me, since i value the characters and story more than the gameplay. these games have spoiled me for other games what the fuck. the huge cast of well done characters all with unique skills and gameplay elements. the different versions of the story based on your house. the replayability. i played each of these THREE TIMES THROUGH this year.

[shyrose57]

Brothers anon back with ANGST at the very last question on part 2. Im honestly not positive myself how im gonna fix it. I have ideas but still. Hopefully this isn't to long.

Rans life at Mizu: For Mizu I've changed it a bit, history is still messed up to a point. But other people like Technoblade, Philza, Sam, Foolish, etc are now included with their own rooms. Ran idolized/choose Technoblade to follow. Followers of Technoblade are the only people in the City (expect for guards or police type people, though they also tend to be followers of Techno) that are allowed to freely carry weapons (after the proper training of course). Ran choose Technoblade because he wanted to protect those he loved and he was always interested in the art of fighting. He had two mentors, a women named Alma, she mostly did hand to hand combat and defense training with Ran, while a man named Fermin was a historical teacher, and taught him the history of wars and weapons more indepth than regular classes did. He had quite a few friends, though only a few close friends he often went to play games with or have sleepovers with (if you want angst, Ran was actually the one who discovered two of his friends bodies and had to report them, forcing him to go back a few times to see their bodies). Im pretty sure I mentioned it before but the brothers had a family of 6! Their mom was Ranya and was a 20% enderman hybrid, their dad was Seth and was a normal human, of course you know the brothers, their younger brother (14 years old upon death/a year younger than Ran) was named Lias and was human, and their younger sister was Memi (10 years old upon death) and was human. Ran was close to his parents, often having Ranya read him to bed and riding Seth's shoulders when he was young. He also baby sat Lias and Memi when everyone else was out, also helping them with homework and letting them sleep in his bed when nightmares happened. He loved his family and its when the murders and sabotages started happening did he choose Technoblade as his idol, to protect his family and seem intimating to whoever was doing the sabotages. 

1: When the carriage finally stopped Cletus jumped out and faceplanted onto the ground, screaming about how he was finally free and away from all the awkward tension. Grievous, Jackie, and Isaac where all close behind, all having a similar reaction. While Watson, Charles, and Benjamin had a calmer reaction simply walking out and stretching. Ran was the last to get out, and he had to be dragged out by Watson, but he fought being dragged out. He grabbed the edges of the carriage and screamed while being forced out. Ranbob was calmer, and while jumping out he accidentally landed on Grievous, forcing his head back into the dirt, who then let out a muffled shout of alarm before immediately getting up and confronting a nervous and apologetic Ranbob. 

3: He isn't the fastest at evaluating a situation, and needs ample time to make decisions. He also isnt the best at understanding emotions at times and sometimes needs a little push in a direction to understand. Also at points he gets into situations he doesnt know how to handle at all, at those times he almost shuts down with overwhelment, and the leadership tends to go to Benjamin for a while during it. 

5: Their healing potions, so they work over time, slowly working with the body to heal and regenerate, so they take longer to fully work. Poitions work generally the same (ingredient wise), but theres more steps. For a potion of harming, first you crush up and gently mix in a spiders eye into a Awkward potion, then put it on the brewing stand for 10 minutes, then after the Poison potion is made, you get another spider eye and roll it in sugar cane until the general texture changes into a more wrinkly and powder like texture, then crush that up and mix it into the Poison potion, put it in the brewing stand for at least 30 minutes, then it makes a harming potion. The process its generally the same for all the rest of the potions, though it depends on ingredients and how long they must stand on the brewing stand. 

7: I'll try doing that, thank you! Cause Grievous is a lil shit at times and encourages  violence as long as its not against him. I know you probably expect a deep answer but thats purely the only reason Grievous encourages it. It depends on what was said to Jackie, if its something that deeply and emotionally hurts Jackie, than he'd likely discourage him, instead comforting him and convincing him if he attacked the person he'll just feel worse. But if its something he knows Jackie can handle, he'll encourage Jackie to beat em up. 

8: Watson went almost everywhere, the only places he didn't go was The End, Mushroom Islands, Badlands, Ice Spikes, and Gravel Mountains (he saw them he just didn't wanna go in them), and thats because he never came across them or traveled there. He has a long bamboo that he uses to wack people over the head with when their being idiots, he has a framed nether star fragment that he found in a ruined and abandoned village (he doesnt know what it is he just knows its shiny and cool), he has some fur-lined outfits from the time spent in Tundras, and he has a book where he records locations of interesting formations he found and just a general record of stuff (how much food he has, the season, days until winter, when he should go on a supply run, etc). When Watson still lived as a kid in a village, he often went to watch the blacksmith (also the farmers, clerics, and others) and when he was old enough the blacksmith showed him how to make a multitude of weapons with different materials. And now he pushes the limits of what he's learned from that and over the years to make brand new weapons. And since I'm not sure if you where also asking about Ran, Ran only went to Plains, Covered Forest, Tundra, Savanna, and Tagia biomes. He has a dagger (specifically a Zorlin Shape dagger) that he took off of a hunter when he killed them, has parts of iron armour (shoulder and chest pieces, with the pieces that go on his shins), again some fur-lined clothes from his time in the Tundra, a selfbow, and also has a book similar to Watson's, but his has notes of potion affects,crafting recipes, mobs to avoid, etc. Visiting the nether is not common at all! Infact no vists it expect travelers or people who get hired to go in for potion ingredients and building supplies. Jackie does eventually give up painting, and instead picks up the hobby of annoying people and just training. It actually goes pretty well, there are rules put in place during it to protect them, but other than that its generally the same as the one played in our world. Jackie wants to vist those biomes because he thinks there cool, and thinks their good starting biomes to vist for a beginner adventure. Yep, Ran says its way to dangerous to go to the nether, especially with almost no one knowing how the nether works. Though actually Watson wants to bring the others into the nether, saying its a good learning experience and no one will learn how to survive if they dont go. Ran still agures its too dangerous though, citing the Piglins and Ghasts as evidence, but eventually, after much begging and negotiations, Ran agrees to let them go. They just need to listen to Ran and Watson teach them about the nether and follow everything they say to a T while in the nether. 

9: Jackie screamed while being thrown, but after that and a bit of stunned silence, he jumped up and demanded for Ran to throw him again. So he enjoys being thrown, and sometimes he specifically requests to be thrown, so he can curl into a ball and slam into people like a goddamn canon ball. Porkius was also shocked into stunned silence, but after he saw Jackie get back up and demand to be thrown again, he just started bellowing in laughter, you could hear his laughter even echoing a bit outside of the Pit. 

10: Then you may be happy to know, but I believe at the end I'll make it so after the brothers have fixed their relationship, their still being haunted by Dream, and eventually the decision gets made to go back to Mizu and face him. Where Dream has actually escaped (Due to a big group coming in, and him being able to convince them to take the Mask with them) so now they have to hunt him down. And when they finally find him you can bet someone (or multiple people) are going to punch him. 

12: He does tell the fishermen about these thoughts once, but the fishermen sadly fail at comforting him and changing those thoughts, so he decides to keep it inside and suffer in quite. Though 2 people do see his suffering, Ran and Grievous. Grievous is debating if he should step in and ask what's wrong and if he can help, while Ran just watches (though he does feel some hurt watching his brother suffer, though he denies it). 

13: They all had a blast there, Charles showed Jackie how to make flower crowns, then they went and made one for everyone else, Ran just laid in the grass and tried to relax, Ranbob eventually joined in with the flower crowns, Watson was telling Grievous all the meaning of flower colors and what certain flowers stand for, while Isaac and Cletus chased eachother around and eventually got Jackie, Grievous, and Watson involved in a game of chase. They did leave after a General battle, as that was one of the things they had to do for Porkius to approve of them leaving. Porkius still wants them back in less than 5 years, though they can take like a year or 2 longer max. Jackie is technically a general, though the general title he has is specifically only for the Pit matches and instead is more of a like final boss title. 

14: Again its very much like a abusive relationship. Ranbob believes Dream has changed because of distant whispers from Dream (only happened while they still lived at the fishermen house which is kinda-close to Mizu) promising he has changed and he truly wants to help Ranbob, and saying how he can help Ranbob be of more use to the fishermen and since Dream did actually help Ranbob at first, he wants to believe him. But once they get futher away from Mizu, the whispers disappear, only rarely appearing in his dreams. Cletus doesn't really help, not because he doesnt care but more because he doesn't know how to help, he knows its a very delicate situation and saying or doing the wrong thing could hurt more than help, so he decided to play it safe. Charles tries to help, though he provides more physical help, like hugs to ground him or showing him how to breath again, while Benjamin and Isaac tackle the more internal issues and do so comfortingly and gently. Making it so Ranbob only notices their actually helping when he starts to do things on his own and no longer has such strong and often urges to return to Dream. 

15: One night when Ranbob is off getting firewood and Ran is off checking surroundings to make sure its safe, the Hunters actually get into the camp and holds everyone at sword and bow point. Ran sees them when coming back and actually, though hesitantly, decides to wait for Ranbob to come back. And once Ranbob is back the two make a plan to rescue them, which goes mostly well. Ran gets shot in the stomach and Ranbob gets a sword through his arm, but other than that they do manage to rescue them. Watson jokingly says how they've finally made progress and that they can now work toghere without fighting now, Ran growls at this and storms away, denying it, but Ranbob just nervously shuffles and sits down, letting Charles tend to his wounds, as Jackie chases off after Ran to tend to his wounds. I really want them to stumble across the Wild West ruins and maybe The Masquerade ruins but im not sure how I'll get them to either. 

1: Haha, ouch. Poor Ran. Nice backstory though. I can only imagine how he must have felt, coming across those. Does him choosing Techno have anything to do with him choosing to enter the Pit? Also how did Ranbob feel about killing his family? We’ve talked about the guilt about hurting Ran and stuff, but about the ones who weren’t as lucky to escape?

2: That sounds like...a scene. Funny, but probably not until a few days after it happened for the people who actually had to go through it.

3: Is Isaac the type to get overwhelmed easily? But very nice to see Benjamin helping out! 

5: So basically just tossing some real life logic in there? Hmm, interesting.

7: Hope it helps! Nope, no deep answer. That’s about what I expected actually. Grievous has that energy, y’know? Also, very sweet of Ran to comfort Jackie. Does he ever get revenge on Jackie’s behalf? He doesn’t strike me as the type to let that go, especially if it actually hurt somebody he cared for. Him otherwise encouraging it..yeah, sounds about right. Gremlin children.

8: Sounds like he’s really been a lot of places! He must know a lot, huh? Also, he just...wack? Cause that’s kind of funny. He watched others beside the Blacksmith? Did he learn anything from them? Ran personally sounds very intimidating. Though if he has potion notes, does he often make them? Is there a particular reason Nether travel is no longer common? Also, would the gang ever happen to stumble across ruins from the time of the Smp? Cause that’d be kind of cool. Jackie’s new hobby sounds very nice, I hope he has fun doing it. How long does it take before Ran deems everyone ready for the Nether? And do the Fishermen also go through, or do they prefer to stick to safer grounds?

9: I bet the first time the fishermen saw that show they were surprised. And honestly, Porkius, I’d laugh too. 

10: I am happy to know that! Well, not the escape bit, but the punching, for sure! You go, guys, punch that neon green slimeball!

12: Oh no. Does Grievous ever step in?

13: Sounds like they had a good time, I’m happy for them. And a final boss title? Is Jackie like a final boss? What differs between them fighting as the general, and as a typical gladiator?

14: Hm, that’s not good. What is good is that he’s getting away from Dream’s influence. Did that have anything to do with the group deciding to head to Subbin? 

15: Well, progress is progress! Surely it’s a step in the right direction, right?

Also, not really a Brothers AU question, but as you may have noticed, I pinned a post of all the AUs on here, and I was wondering if you’d like me to put yours on there too. Obviously, I’d put it as yours. I wanted to earlier, but I figured it would be better to ask, so tell me your feelings on that.

[looking4mybambi]

Alright soo ik bdsm/dominant & submissive relationships have so many gender roles that differ from couple to couple, and how each person partakes in that role as individuals in a relationship are different.

As people we all like different things as well and we all SHOULD know what we like as individuals and in a real COMMITTED goal oriented unbreakable successful dom/sub relationship each person knows everything that their person likes and should naturally forget about knowing his or her own likes because each of you got that on lock and can please there person without them telling you when its needed and how to do it or what they are in the mood for..

I am a dominant. But for me I'm a bit different from most . Growing up as a kid very familiar with poverty, I didn't have very many friends so what attention I got was being laughed at for having such bug feet being so young plus I was the tallest in my class up till the end of middleschool, I had long lanky arms a good bit of baby fat (as ma use to call it) and long legs with goofy ass knees so I hated shorts because back in elementary where the bullying started, I may be wrong about this but I don't think Walmart could carry any and1 basket ball shorts that covered my knees nor could we afford It honestly. The kids would call me things like "jolly green giant, sasquach, big dumb (especially if I had to read out loud.. I'm not a good out loud reader) big retard or just tard.. that line of name-calling cease to exist come my 5th and 6th grade years.. mind u I spent an extra year in 4th grade soo I was just adding more fule t on the fire for my later years.

My mother, a single mom of 2 terrorists that worked her hardest to make sure we had what we needed and by doing so came overtime hours after working solid 12s 5 nights a week so she now worked 7 12s a week to get her ot in and be home in the morning to feed us and get us off to school so she can relax and sleep. Like any exhausted human, if there's something that can help you feel good enough to work 7 days a week and be able to parent with the bare minimum sleep, I think most would consider the option heavly. And then addiction..... sooo yeah more hell in school. Long story short .. I got tortured in school. It subsided in the last 2 years before I quit my jr year. But anywho my friends consisted of band in 5-6 grade football and wrestling in 7-8 -9-10 (injuries wrecked my entire school also didn't help my popularity non. And lastly jrotc my freshman year in high school. And a ton of females did band and jrotc (basically a free period lol) so I got tight with females in school while the dudes bullied the fuck out of me... I learned how to be a gorls best friend, do hair, nails, make up. Whatever I needed to learn I did... then sports was where I learned that most men are pigs weather its in a locker room. Or at home she another huge plus and can relate to females. I learned how to gossip and and learned any and all kinds of things girls like from fat free foods to why yell what those socks that look kinda like jon boats or canoes yaknow the shortest socks and adult human could even wear def entirely to short to even be related to ankle socks and how do yall keep them things on your feet while in shoes?!?! Some welfare witchcraft type shit goin on there ima throw that out there 🤣 hell my moms almost died one day she asked me how her hair looked after she curled the sides of her hair on either cheek but she curled both sides to the insides of her cheeks and I told her teacher try curling them out it would look better and she was stunned that I knew what I was talking about . Long story short I took so much time knowing whT makes yell tick, physically, mentally, stomachally ;p, definitely sexually.

Sooo on to this i watched ole ma get beet on by men my whole life and when I tried to fight em off her ( almost every fight that got physical between my mom and a man) there i was right i. The middle of the action knot knowing what the fuck ima do next i was only 11 so I took moms beating more than once.

I've been beaten on by females, alot... yea big ole me.. absolutely refuses to hit back. and ill die that way.

All these events me me the dominant that I am today... I'm strong and I will fight even if I don't want to. I am a protector. My person will feel safe, I can't take fear away ofcorse but I promise she won't be fearful of me.

I take care of my person idc what she ASKS of me ill do it. My rules are simple.

1.) Don't fuckin lie to me.

2.) Don't fucking cheat on me.

3.) Fuckin communicate

4.) DONT FUCKIN BREAK RULE ONE!

Lol I wear my heart on my sleeve and am a very passionate dom. I love giving my person attention and I love to cuddle up to movies, I'm even a hopeless romantic sometimes and I cook I love cooking honestly.

Im also into all sorts of shit forced play, cnc role play and love me a good brat that likes to play hard to get ;)

Most importantly im a dominant that builds his relationship off honesty, respect, compromise and the glue that most dominant men now phase completely out...

LOVE!❤

Now lady's can I ask a very simple question.. well this if me telling whoever will read it about the kind of man I am ofcorse with a recent pic of me (earlier today) to show that im not a terrible looking man.. soo why am I single?

All this is 1000% honest I absolutely DO NOT LIE. I will not play any sort of spin games with anyone. Lol hope someone enjoys

[dsmamedits]

LETTER-TO-C

June 10, 2020

Dear C,

I stopped calling you sweetie because I felt that things were lacking between us that we were growing apart. Doubt grew between us. I know when someone is lying to me or at least doesn't tell me the whole truth. I just know. It's just like how we both have a feeling when we'll message each other. It's an instinct instilled in us. I know you hide things for my sake because you did say that white lies are okay as long as it won't hurt the other person but for me lies are lies even if you say they are white lies because white lies are lies that hide things from someone but nothing can stay hidden, the truth will be set free. And once it is free and it's been proven that one wasn't transparent it will hurt more to the person who was kept in the dark. People are not weak, you don't need to lie to them to protect their feelings. Especially me, I'm stronger than you think. I can face anything. I'm stronger knowing there are people who have my back and love me. Isnt that how it's supposed to be?

There are things I can't let go of. I dont want a relationship built on Lies, doubt, dishonesty and no transparency. I may say things that hurt. I may have a cold heart. But it was all to protect you from more trauma and hurt and to protect myself. I know I too have things I still have left unsaid, I want to tell you but there's always something stopping me.

My reaction is a reflection of anothers treatment to me. I've seen relationships and I've experienced my own set of tribulations and I'm sure you have too. Im not insensitive, quite the opposite, You started to not care as much. The doubt grew when you didn't want to open up to me, you would usually tell me about your day the first few weeks of getting to know each other and then you didn't open up as much. I know you're usually detailed when talking about something you're passionate about but that stopped. I had to ask instead of you naturally telling me... That's alright because that helped me be more inquisitive and curious about others. But that was one change. When I told you about it you tried opening up more but I dont like telling people what they should know already. What should have come naturally if you really respected me and my feelings.

I don't like how you made a big deal about my virginity and blamed me for it how I could have prevented it and called me naive and simply didn't understand why it happened and insisted it was my fault. You should have let me go then when I was asking for it. For you to question my situation when you've slept around with other women was an unfair way of taking it out on me. I didn't bring that up anymore because you said you didn't want to say things that I could hold against you. But I'm bringing it up here so I can finally let it go and show you how unfair your way of thinking was.

I know my reactions could have been more lax but when you care about someone when you feel pain you may react the way I did. This is the first time I ever cared about somone to the point I would get mad because I was hurt. I know I could've dealt with this more calmly. This was my first time experiencing this much pain and hurt. I didn't know what to do. If I knew I would've known how to deal with it. With you. You made me fall in love with you and you decide to get sick of me after everything I've shared with you. Way to show me I'm not worth it. Not worth the trouble especially knowing my background. Thanks a lot.

You shut down in front of me. Didn't come after me. Didn't hug me and tell me everything is alright. And you didn't let me see anything. You deleted everything instead of showing me. You hid something from me. I'm not stupid but you kept making me feel stupid and I wanted to ignore everything and accept what you said but if you think about it.... Why would she call you just because you had that sickness before. You're not a doctor. And why would she call you several times. I know you wanted to protect all the women you dated. But I wouldn't care about them if you showed me you cared about me more. You protected them. You hid things from me. When I asked you again why you didn't add me on fb, do you remember what you said? You said, why do I need to add you on fb. In an irritated voice. I got scared and embarrassed. So I shut up and didn't insist on it. But I've always wanted to tell you. I can take care of myself. If anybody tries to bully me I have you. If you can't save me from your exes I have me. And if they try to ruin my reputation so what it's not the truth because the truth was that you and I were dating and you were no longer with them. So tell me, what was I supposed to be afraid of? Could you not have protected me? Why were you so adamant about keeping me out of your fb if it was just something you used. Why did you hide things from me. Did you not trust me?

I need a strong man to be beside me through thick and thin to prove to me that I'm worth loving no matter how imperfect I am and to help me get through it by offering something more tangible and helpful instead of telling me to handle my emotions more. Making me feel like I'm to blame for everything being ruined because I overthink about the things I can't make sense of because YOU wouldn't give me details when YOU used to be so detailed about everything!

I'd rather have someone be honest with me with the truth instead of hurt me with lies out of kindness. That is not kindness that is something that will eventually cause pain. Nobody's perfect and I understand that, that's why I gave you chances and you gave me chances but time and time again you made me doubt you. And all I could do was blame myself because I knew things could have been better.

Remember when we didn't go out for valentines? I didn't mind until you said you went out to dinner with your ex during valentine's before. I felt less important... then you said you needed to be with hero that day....I understood that but I felt you were defensive because I already knew that and you said it in a way like "dont be unreasonable", I kept quiet because I didn't want to make a big deal out if it but if you really wanted to spend it with me even just a few hours you would have. There are times when you pick hero up late. But that day I wondered why were you acting that way. We were just starting and I wanted to let it go because I didn't want to sound petty and it didn't help when you said you felt guilty and couldnt explain why, as if you were hiding something. If you really wanted too you would have put an effort. But you didn't. And now that time is gone forever.

I didn't want to keep silent because this might help you understand women more. If you think loving and showing a girl effort is just by feeding them, picking them up and saying words of I love you and making love with them, anybody could do that. If our roles were switched I'd be happy to do all that for you knowing it would make life easier for you. I bet thats how you felt too when you picked me up. Like you said that's what I deserved. But effort is more then that. Time is the most important factor for me. And you were willing to give it to me. You were gonna spare two days to be able to see me while juggling your work and life. I appreciated that...

I always came back when you asked me too and that was because I liked, loved, and cared about you. It annoyed me when you could see through me, when you took my seperation fits as jokes and said I just missed you. That was truer than true. I missed you so much and I was going crazy without you and surrounded by the negativity of everything. I started becoming obsessed with you because I had nothing better to do. You were my whole world. But you were becoming busier and I felt like I was neglected. I knew you were busy and you were trying to find time for me amidst your busy schedule. This is where I lack, communication, being honest about what I want to say. Instead of just telling you what I want from you I just become quiet and keep it inside because I dont want to be insufferable and a bother. But I ended up becoming one... I guess it ended up that way in the end. I remember the time we first met, how you accepted me for my messy past and got mad for me. I see things through rose coloured glasses. Everyone is kind, everyone has a reason for what they do. There is a story on how that person became the way they were. I didn't want to accept the grey and dark parts of the world.

I remember you telling me not to meet the guy in rockwell, I remember we watched the joker and we ate at the burger place, I remember watching in festival cell number 7 filipino version and we walked a lot, I remember going to your roof top and how beautiful and peaceful it was. I remember staying at your place and eating out at different places. I remember the first time we took edsa going to your place and how there were so many busses and I thought to myself, if we could get to your place faster by using this route so I could spend more time hugging you I don't mind taking this route all the time, I remember eating at that vintage burger place. I remember the wings and burger and raspberry juice. I remember that other burger wings place with a huge garage and how a truck passed by and you introduced me as your girlfriend, I was surprised coz you didn't ask me yet but it made me happy but also confused, was this how relationships worked? I remember walking by the river near your place and how I wanted to walk more but I was so tired and I wanted to go to the place you wanted to show me but fatigue got to me. I remember when we were at cloud 9 and I pretended to be not scared of how high up we were while on the bridge and you were acting cute behind me and I just wanted to bite and pinch you. And also punch you because I was getting more scared coz you kept making kulit. I remember how fun it was going home.

I also remember how the next time we rode the motorbike together you were a bit cold. You didn't like me hugging you and said you were having a hard time but usually you would laugh and say you liked it. Also you said you didn't like it when I was putting your shirt up and I thought you did because when we were going from cloud 9 you were laughing it off.

I remember how you got so red when you drank and fell asleep. I remember there was the one time where we did it and it was the most ecstacy I've ever felt, but when I found out the sad things, like how you were still talking to your ex and how you felt like you were distancing yourself from me, making love and loving you started to hurt.

I remember how you changed to letting me bite you when I told you that you got mad when I bit you. I remember taking lots of pictures of us together and of you when we went to the national museum and how paranoid i was about COVID19. I liked seeing you so serious looking around and hiding from you every now and then. One of my fave memories was when we went to celebrate my bday and how much fun it was to watch you sing for me. How we both could just let loose in each other's company. I remember eating at an open ventilated space in Makati with beautiful lighting and how you couldn't eat properly becasue you were having a stomach ache. I remember the time we were in jolibee and you told me about your mom and what she went through and the reason why you came back and how weak she became and how you teared up. You were beautiful.

I'm sorry I let my overthinking cloud the beautiful memories we made. I'm sorry I couldn't show you how much I loved you. I'm sorry I was mean and hurtful to you. I'm sorry that I wasnt enough. I'm sorry for being toxic. I'm sorry I couldn't love you the way you wanted to be loved. I hope you find someone who can love you the way I know you deserve to be loved. We're both too hurt to mend things. Sometimes something broken can't be put together and it's best to carry the broken pieces, glue it together with someone else to create something even better and unique. This is the closure I can offer. I know you've chosen a better path and i can only hope we both find the happiness we deserve. I can't help but blame myself because I know I pushed you to the limit. You got tired of trying because you thought that I was mean and confusing. Because I was toxic and I knew that, that's why I chose this path.

I wanted to let you know how I felt not for you but for my peace of mind.

#bittersweetmemories #loveletter #painfulmemories #youth #confused #distraught #sadness #ending&partings #THEEND

[filthyjanuary]

I've never seen an episode of supernatural all I see is what's on your blog and each and every day I become more confused about the writing of the show and why people enjoy it :l

okay well first off i am SO sorry you have to see me like this jknbuvgyuhjn i cannot believe im spnblogging in 2020 like im 15 again but things happen i guess.

second of all, the thing to know about supernatural is.... i think, for general audiences, it is an average-to-good show. it's not Bad. It's not Beloved and/or Acclaimed. objectively, i think is also probably the most balanced view of the show and is also probably what the cw and/or people who worked on the show see it as. it lasted 15 years because it consistently pulled in reliable numbers for the cw and grabbed a lot of demographics. like i know the tumblr bubble skews perceptions but, people of all ages, genders, sexualities watched and enjoyed supernatural, yes even to the very end. most people are also not looking at supernatural with the hyperfocused lens that tumblr is and that’s like... okay. those fans aren’t any less relevant or important. if only tumblr was watching supernatural, i promise it would’ve been cancelled like at least 7 years ago.

the spn *fandom* is interesting because like one, no one is watching the same fucking show. like we all watched the same episodes but like this fandom cant even agree on like...basic facets of canon, let alone digging into complex meta. people’s views of characters actions and motivations skew wildly. things one side of the fandom considers nearly canon are like essentially viewed as ooc on other sides of the fandom. you love and hate all the characters and everyone is always about to start swinging on everyone else. you have to simultaneously juggle the ideas that the writers — and for the record this show has had four showrunners and like a billion individual writers who all see and interpret it slightly differently — are brilliant and the writers legitimately are both stupid and bad at their jobs. you have to turn your brain off in terms of continuity because they retcon their own lore every 15 seconds. this isn’t even getting into the ship wars, the boundary crossing, the weird invasiveness , etc., etc., etc. supernatural’s writing is sometimes incredible, sometimes terrible, but generally pretty average, but it had a charm (ESPECIALLY IN SEASONS 1-3) that reeled you in, even if you hated the genre.

when a show is on this long, i think the fans (rightly so) will look back and dig in and get nitpicky on things they wish were covered with more care. things that the show obviously did not decide to write with the intention of addressing/grappling with later on. case in point: dean’s drinking habits. with the exception of like... season 7 where they DO address it, dean drinks a lot as a feature of his character with little to no consequence. he doesn’t get drunk. he’s always driving. it might as well be water. the writers don’t intend for that to be more than just a facet of what makes him a rough and tough action hero even though logically, he should be drunk all the time. even w/ interviews w/ the cast/crew, it’s clear the writers don’t think the fans will care and/or notice a lot of things. they do, because well, they’re invested. the fandom extrapolates because that’s what fandom does, but i really don’t think the writers connect those dots because dean’s drinking /isn’t/ a problem until they need it to be. because spn has gone on so long, it has more instances of things like this than other shows, and our cultural contexts have also evolved a lot along the way from 2005 to 2020. so again, there’s a lot to work with. i don’t really think that’s so much a reflection of the quality of the show than it is a reflection of how long it’s been on and the way society has changed since then. dean not knowing what myspace is is funny for two completely different reasons in 2005 and in 2020, for example.

my own personal opinion is, there’s a lot to enjoy about supernatural. seasons 1-5 are legitimately good tv. for all their flaws, they have a very clear aesthetic and tell a story that is well-structured and relatively coherent in terms of themes and continuity. they set up complex characters and relationships and everyone’s motivations make sense and that arc wraps on a tragic but ultimately narratively consistent and thus fulfilling point. of course, there’s stuff i personally like and dislike but separating my emotions from it, it’s very good. i think if anything, i would recommend anyone watch those five seasons and then decide whether they want to continue or not. if you don’t, you’ll end on a note that feels complete. it’s what i’m doing w/ my friend elaine, currently, actually. if she decides she wants to continue after 5, we’ll do that, but for now we’re just vibing in season 1. after that point, i think if you decide you care enough about the characters to push through wildly inconsistent writing, there’s stuff to enjoy in seasons 6-15, but the quality and particularly the consistency dips and this is also where the retconning really starts to...intensify. it’s also where the mythos of supernatural grows bigger than the show itself, which i think was always supernatural’s downfall. the crew started caring more about the whims of the fandom and frankly the fandom became more of the story than the show, and that’s how you get people piecing together what supernatural is based on out of context gifsets that skew perceptions wildly and get Supernatural Fandom™ which... frankly, in my opinion, changed fandom culture as a whole for the worse, like yes it’s a huge, powerful and often memeable behemoth but also... the way it changed creator-fan interactions is something we’re going to be unpacking for a long time. i think had the writers tuned out fandom wars and internet yelling and strived to tell a story that made sense and was well constructed to /them/, we wouldn’t be here and seasons 6-15 could’ve found a way to be as beloved as the first third of the show. i’m personally of the opinion that being a fan of something, for better or for worse, does not entitle you to part of it’s creative process. it doesn’t become a collaboration, and the door is always there if you get to the point where you want to leave. i think supernatural getting too caught up in its own fandom and balancing all these conflicting interests is ultimately what made the last 10 seasons, and particularly the back third of the show oftentimes flounder. the finale chaos, in my opinion, happened because they tried to please everyone by keeping too many things vague so people would have room to play in their own sandboxes and round out the story the way they wanted to see it and thus ultimately, a lot of things were left in the air and so for many people, the closure they were hoping for just wasn’t there.

i dont know how this became a long and scattered collection of thoughts but tldr, people enjoy supernatural because at the end of the day, it’s an enjoyable show and i think the more you stew in a fandom bubble, there’s more to get worked up about. which is fine. i like that fandom engages in complex conversations that the show won’t grapple with, but that’s not for everyone and i don’t think the fact that we have these conversations is necessarily an indictment of the show’s overall quality.

[jakesanxietydiary]

1/16/22

Well Ive made it through another day no closer to better. Im really disheartened. I dont feel right. Im back to avoiding talking to John and Tay because I feel like, in this new state, I dont know how I relate to them. I dont know how I relate to anyone. I dont know how I relate to myself. I cant describe whats wrong. Its like a law of physics changed in that just the fundamental way I know life to work is completely different. I dont know how to be a person like this. I didn't exactly try my best today. I've been staying in bed longer and longer. Im crying almost every day. I can say that a lot of the extreme symptoms are gone but I still have this aching feeling inside me and my thoughts dont move and work like they used to. I even try telling myself that thats a good thing because my old thoughts ended me up in a really bad place, but I just cant convince myself of that. I need my thoughts to be quicker, I need them to be about the world around me, I need the physical sensation that Im supposed to feel while thinking to be correct again, I need to have my interests back and my femininity. These things are MUST haves if I ever want to feel better and Im scared I'll never get there. I wish I had more to report about today. I got up late, spent some time by myself in my room. Lots of phone scrolling. I talked to my mom for a minute and almost started crying so I told her I had to go take a shower, which I did. I tried to play some video games. They do help the time pass but I can tell Im not enjoying them at all, and when I put the game down and go back to just being myself its a horrible feeling. An empty anxious feeling. Ive also been thinking a lot about my ear again. I think theres a real problem in there because I still get the feeling in that zone a lot. Not 100% of the time but still pretty often, and when I was ending the night watching a TV show with my mom, it popped and it kind of lightened my spirits. I dont even know what to do about it though. I dont know if the ear sensations are part of my problem and I need to get them fixed, or if the ear popping is just a new sensation I feel and it distracts me from the bad ones for a few seconds... seriously though feeling a significant pop substantially increases my mood. On top of that I keep telling myself that the wellbutrin isn't working on my depression yet, maybe. I went off of it completely 4 or 5 weeks ago. Maybe its still building up in my system? I dont know how long it takes after you stop taking a medicine for symptoms to "come back" idk. Time will keep going on I guess. I hope I recognize myself again soon. Tapping on my own hasn't been helpful, I hope I can try a few rounds during my therapy session on Tuesday. Anxiety: 5 Depression:7 Weird Sensations: 7