#like i hate myself so much i want to destroy it but i wont let that happen bc thats what they want and i refuse to give myself what i want

[hsjxishbeoelwj]

tw: vent post, long long rant/vent post lmao sorry :3 im going through it fr fr!!!! 😜 (this is kinda cringe ngl, lol)

god, please let my sister still feel safe and comfortable around me even when I don't deserve it. She deserves so much more than me and my shit attitude and behavior towards her. She deserves to be loved and get out of this house because she's just a kid, my baby, though she doesn't deserve this life we've built for her. She deserves people who won't yell or snap at her for being a kid. I hope she never fears me. I hope she never feels her stomach churn because of the sound of my voice, and I hope she never knows me by the sound of my footsteps. Because, lord knows she deserves so, so much more. She deserves to feel safe in her own room with out me saying to get out (we share a room). And yet, I still can't help but feel that selfishness that screams at me from the darkest parts of my mind, the ones that scream "kick her out before she ruins the delicate system you have built in this room, she doesn't deserve to be here." And yet, I so desperately want to listen to the much, much smaller voice that says "this is her room to, she deserves to feel safe in here to without feeling like shes walking on eggshells. You swore to yourself that you'd never make her feel the way you did when you were her age. But look at you now. Horrible and basically as bad as you feared you'd be." I hate it. I miss knowing my little sister more than I knew myself. She just wants her big sisters attention. She just wanted my love and validation. I see the way she looks at me when she thinks I'm not looking. I hate it. I hate that she looks at me like I'm not the big sister she wants. I miss when she used to look at me with stars in her eyes and awe in her voice as she screamed my nickname so happily, the nickname only she's allowed to call me. It feels weird when she calls me by my actual name, even when it's not that different. Where was I going with this? I don't know. I just miss my baby sister, my baby. My dear sister. And maybe that's my fault. Scratch that. It most definitely is my fault. I pushed her away because I was scared of hurting her, but I hurt her anyway. It's hard not to when you both have shared a room since she was a baby. I've never had my own space. Maybe that's why I do this. Out of my own selfish desire for privacy. She doesn't deserve this. If only she were born earlier. If only she were closer in age. But, would that have changed things? I don't know. I wish I did. God, or whoevers listening, please, oh please, let there be a universe where I can live my baby sister like she needs me too. Where I'm actually a good sister. Where she doesn't fear my mood swings like they're a knife I'm about to stab her with. Where she never finches away from me in fear of what will happen. Where she never gets that long, sad stare when she thinks we aren't looking. Where I can protect her from all the bad, instead of being the bad she needs shelter from. Please, whoever is listening to this. Please, let there be a universe where I'm not a fucked up little kid who will never know whats wrong with me. I just want to know what's wrong with me. Maybe then I'll stop snapping and hurting the ones I love. I don't want to be my grandma. I don't want to be someone who snaps at the smallest things because they aren't how she left them. I don't want to make my loved ones sick of me because of how I am. I don't want to be someone who is feared by my siblings. I don't want my little baby sister (who is taller than me now? when did that happen?) to flea to her room so her big sister to be better just for her to realize I'm the one she's hiding from. I don't want her to feel like she'll never feel safe around me again. Please, lord, don't let me become like my grandma, who makes everyone drained when she starts talking. Instead, lord, let me be like my mother, the kind soul she is, and let me be an open space where I can't help but spill my guts too.

Please let me be a good sister.

Please don't let me become my grandmother and hers before her.

Please, let me be like my mother.

Pleaee let me baby sister feel like she is not wanted because if my stupid mistakes.

Please let her not take to heart what I said when I was angry and had no control over my words and emotions.

Please let her know that she will always have a place in my heart no matter what.

Please let her know that no matter what I say, her big sister will always love her, even if she doesn't love me.

Please let her know it's never going to be her fault for being and acting like a child, for wanting her big sisters approval.

Please let her know I will never, ever truly hate her (I genuinely don't think I can).

Please, lord above, tell me what's wrong with me so I can fix it and be a better sister to my older and younger siblings. If not, then, please, strike me down and send me to hell.

I can not handle hurting them again. I think it will kill me. I can not handle seeing my family cry because of my stupid, reckless, impulsive actions. I can't do this anymore.

Please let my family know that if I do eventually die by my own hand, it was never their fault. It was mine for being so weak.

Please let my sister know that she will never be at fault for what her big sister did.

Please let my baby, my little sister know that her big sister has always been proud of her.

Please, God, tell me what is wrong with me so that I may fix it.

(perhaps i wasn't cut out to be a sibling..?)

[benevolentvampire]

when you read back over a conversation and realise you handled it fucking terribly

[terranceholdsapencil]

Okay I watched the devils chord now so some thoughts and moments under the cut

S14e03 "the devil's chord" doctor who spoilers

-knocking from inside a piano after someone played a tritone is actually the coolest fucking entrance

-"Henry, get away from him" "Them." "What" "Me." "What." "Im - them" "Youre who?" "YOure who"

-"But its SOOO SAAAAAD, TIMOTYYYY"

Half of this is actually just the way maestro says things it DOES something to me

-NEW DOCTOR WHO INTRO MUSIC VARIANT!!!

ANd its playing on the JUKEBOX

-"that. is. AMAZING!" "OH WAIT SERIOUSLY?" "OOUHH! PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY THE TITANIC! OR MARS! OR BETLEHEM!! But the BEATLEEEEEEES! WhY have I never done thAt before?"

-the way theyre walking around the tardis after changing. California soul in the background. Im in love theyre having so much fun.

-"nineteen sixty thrEEHEHEHEY!"

-fun and humming conga line music on a zebra crossing. Im in LOVE

-"How do we get in? Wont they ask who we are?" "ngE"

-the way 15 and ruby giggle.

-"Ive got a dog and hes called fred"

-"You take John Lennon Ill take Paul McCartney"

-susan mentioned. One referenced. I miss them. Also susan is not dead. I dont care if she never turns up again. She is not dead because I said so.

-something about the way 15 leans on the wall and looks at the city while ruby plays

-the orchestra tuning in on her playing after a while. Maybe its cause Im so happy theres new doctor who but I got goosebumps

-the arpeggio giggle oh my god I LOVE IT

-the tuning fork??? Even ignoring the gorgeous outfit the TUNING FORK???

-at this point I wanted to look if there was a german dub (cause thats my native language). There wasnt. But there was a czech dub, and Im half czech. So I turned that on for a second. And let me tell you, Maestros voics in the czech dub?? Once again. I am IN LOVE.

-sincr when can the sonic just turn off sound

-the workaround with the water was actually great

-i couldnt take "i dont know, Ruby, that is the point, I dont. know." "BUT YOU ALWAYS KNOW-" "I DONT. " seriously cause ruby basically just met him. And literally just last ep he didnt know things. This moment doesnt hit because the first part doesnt ring true yet. I think thats my general problem?? I LOVE ruby and 15 but theyre so familiar and close and stuff but theyve known each other for a VERY SHORT real time, considering this ep supposedly comes directly after the last and the last literally starts directly after she entered the tardis.

-"i was born in 2004" that feels fake cause my best friend was born in 2004. Theres no way youre only 2 years older and youre a doctor who companion and Im just a sad dude

-i will be honest I was very much very disappointed by the fact we actually got to see the destroyed future. I totally expected she comes back in crying or something and we have to fill in the gap. Instead we see cgi broken london. BUT that allowed for maestros fucking iconic entrance with the shoe shot so I am not mad

-maestro being the toymakers child works surprisingly well thats lots of fun

-the way maestro lay on the piano? Iconic. Absolutely iconic. I love them. Gorgeous. Beautiful. Camp af. Fun. Pure. I-co-nic.

-more maestro saying things in the greatest fucking way possible:

-"Im going sOlO. :D"

THEIR FACIAL EXPRESSION??

-"A gEnius 💁"

-"I sAid gEniuSss. And you might be brIght. And hot. And... (dun-dun-dun) timey-wImey"

That totally got me I replayed this like 10 times instead of continueing to watch the ep. I can only repeat myself: In. Love.

-tardis with the lights out?? GORGEOUS. My eyes have been blessed. Beautiful. I love her so much shes my everything.

-"Im sorry im sorry *kiss kiss*. Dont hate me"

the way he apologises to her tardis and the doctor forever

-when they got out of the tardis he said something in a different language. The subtitles say its turkish. Does anyone know what he said?

-"I thought that was non-diegetic"

First: iconic that the score was actually heard in universe. Love it. Great idea. You totally get me with that.

Secondly: does that line imply the doctor always hears the score? Cause he said HE thought it was non-diegetic. Does he hear his own themes? Does it ruin emotional moments? If hes doing a speech does it distract him?

-"Playing love-sick sOngs for heartbroken lesbians, and thAt just makes me hungry for all those delicious songs"

-they had a music battle. They had a music battle with personified music and basically won. Not only that. Personified music actually said the words "mUsic bAttle". So stupid. Maybe I love it.

-no matter what I think of the idea of a music battle with personified music, the actual music battle was so much fun to watch. I loved it. Im gonna rewatch it.

-"Ive experienced everything"

No you havent thats the point. Im actually mad at that line. No he hasnt. The reason he travels is to find whatever he hasnt experienced yet. Literally JUST LAST EP he was completely baffled by the space babies and the bogeyman. This ep he was overwhelmed by the stolen music. He has experience ALOT, possibly more than anyone before him, but not everything. Never everything.

-honestly i think its rude to call this a beatles episode when they were basically not in it at all. Ian listened to the beatles back in classic who and they looked at a concert and the presence of the beatles in that episode is almost bigger to me than them in this ep.

-the musical number at the end. So stupid. So silly. I love it. Thats insane. But fun. But stupid. But fun. Also hello Henry Arbinger looking at the musical number

-was the rain during the musical number for real? Where'd it come from?? They were INSIDE. Was that just for the fun time? Because the snow in space babies was important.

-the zebra crossing making music. Im in love. I wanna. I want to dance on it too. So much fun. The stripes are even glowing.

[neyliaart]

Its weird being the kid with the cool mom.

And I dont think Ill sleep tonight until I just get this out so...

Vent below

TW for all who cant read this. You dont have to. You take care of yourself first.

I dont know if I should trigger this as child abuse. It feels... silly to me. Because it was just one time and I forgot about it so how bad could it have been? But I... remember now and I think my soul always did. The feeling at least, just not why it was there.

So yeah. My mom hit me once. Just once. I dont remember why exactly. Just that I was... a lot a lot of the time on her and for some reason I was extra annoying that day at that time and she got overwhelmed and well. It happened.

And I...never told anyone. Guess I didnt think it was important. Just happened once. And I always knew its not because she hated me or because she was a bad mom. Just because... she got overwhelmed and didnt know how to handle it any better. Because I rationalize others actions hoping that will make it hurt less... guess it doesnt. Just makes me unable to be mad.

Its easy to forget if its just one slip up that happened once. Its not like I never got overwhelmed. I was... I dont know. Somewhere in my early teens at the time? 13/14/15 maybe? I was practically overwhelmed all the time. Cant be mad at her for being overwhelmed too. Were human. It happens.

So I just... forgot. But now its almost 11pm for me and im sitting in the dark room on my bed silently crying to myself. I think I forgot I was hit. But I didnt quiet forget how it felt. I didnt quiet forget that... thats the reaction I can expect when im being too much. Too demanding, too loud, too annoying, too much. I get hurt and nobody I wont even be mad because I know im a lot and I guess thats just a thing that happens now.

And its hard being the kid with the cool mom. The mom that lets you skip class and the mom who you know tries her best. Because yeah, I think my mom is great. I know she tries and all my friends think shes the coolest because their parents are worse. But my mom also hit me once and I never told anyone. And I tore the label of the weight that I carried because I was still a child and I didnt want to know about it... but I carried the weight anyway.

So its weird being the kid with the cool mom. Not knowing if she remembers that one time that you do that none of your friends know about. Because you have the cool mom they wish they had. And im not ready to destroy their fantasy for something I can hardly remember...

[gayhenrycreel]

fuck it im blocking every fucking tag about palestine this is actually making me suicidal. i have no more empathy to give. no matter how much i want to i genuinely have stopped feeling empathy about whatever ridiculous things america is shooting itself in the foot over. its not just palestine ive lost the ability to feel empathy for. im losing empathy for people like me in america. my brain was never supposed to see my fellow humans being slaughtered in countries ive never been to. i just cant keep tormenting myself over something that i have literally no power over. this does not affect me. im not going to risk killing myself over americas bullshit again. back in october i got very suicidal about this. i am not risking my life anymore. i certainly cant single handedly destroy a country on the other side of the planet if im dead right?! im sick of people demanding i make a fucking statement about politics that WILL NEVER INFLUENCE MY INSIGNIFICANT LIFE EVER. im just one fucking person. im not a billionare. i am literally a peasant in one of the worlds smallest and least powerful nations. i can do more if i keep myself alive and healthy. my time is wasted on america. i can do so much more if i focus on the community im actually in, not obsessing over america like my useless father who everyone hates. i can actually help palestine if i focus on nz politics. the internet is a cesspool of pointlessness unless i had 233567889998654311246890 followers. i dont. im a small blog on a small site. im better off influencing my OWN FUCKING GOVERNMENT, not some fascist i will never met or know the name of. i have literally no power over some random american who thinks everyone else should care about which government got caught in possession of something dodgey. i get it. it affects you. but i have no ability to help you. i cant fix your government. i CAN do my best to fix my own government and can actually help people by doing so. this seems to be a uniquely american thing. no, my american mutuals, this is not targeted at you, this is about the general american tendency to imagine oneself as being the most important country in the world. i know more about american politics than my own government. why do i know the location of washington state? why should i care about what bullshit some guy ive never heard of is saying on twitter. wendys mcdonaldfuck is the grandson of joseph stalin is he? nothing to do with me. i refuse to be my father. he is awful and his worst trait is his pathological obsession with america. im sorry. i wish i had any more fucks to give. but cant do anything about some war i have no power over. i just want to go back to my hometown where i can make a difference. no cities. no flashing lights. just the forest, mutual aid, and a goddamn groundedness to reality. dont become obsessed over something out of your control. politicians will not see your tumblr post. donate to people in need. donate to those who actually can do something. if you cant stop thinking about genocide you are developing a pathological obsession. im not kidding. its bad for your health. i wont let it happen to me again. VOTE IN LOCAL ELECTIONS FOR FUCKS SAKE. the mayors choose the governors, the governors choose the president. thats how you help palestine. giving yourself ocd over it helps no one, it just slowly kills you. focus on the things in your control. now excuse me while i use the power of community to tangibly help people.

[ifthestarsarewilling]

Oc Lore- COG

this has a lot of religious stuff (christian mostly) so if that makes you uncomfortable i wouldn't read it.

but if your okay with it, lets go!

aight, ill start with a basic run down of the story before i get into my ocs because some things wont make much sense otherwise

COG is a visual novel type thing exploring the relationship between a creator and their creations. in this case, the creator would be me (hi yes. me) and the creations are the ocs ill be talking about in a bit. you/the player play through a week, choosing who to talk to and eventually, the four of you go on a road trip. the person whos philosophies/relationship with me you relate to the most drives (you sit in the front seat) and when you get to your destination (the sky, where in universe me lives) you... well ill get to that after doing ocs. then there are four endings:

i kill the four of you and your all reborn into new, animalistic bodies, but i also die

i destroy the universe and you all with it, and i let myself live and create another, better universe

you're all sent back down with boons of some sort and ways to contact me at any time

you all stay with me and become more god-like beings

and thats about it. anyways oc time now!!

--

Oc 1: Patrick (Pat)

pat, he/him, late twenties/early thirties, straight agender

hes a farmer who keeps bees! kinda like a cowboy. he has a pickup truck-like thing (this is MY fantasy world and i can make him have a magic cart that's basically a truck if i want) and lets you sit in the back. also gives you free honey.

hes a proper country lad, quite smart but cant be bothered to do anything with it. also absolutely JACKED like i mean MUSCLES all over this bad boy

he had a femme phase when he was younger, right after his parents died. still has some of the dresses

he likes me. his whole deal is 'hey, you were kinda an awful mom, but i mean you weren't really to blame. gave us all free will and stuff. please talk to me mom'

hes cool. i love my farmer son

--

Oc 2: The Mermaid

the mermaid, she/her, around one fifty, cishet

shes like, really unhealthily christian. now theres nothing wrong with being christian, but shes just using it as an unhealthy coping mechanism.

so basically she had to leave the ocean and become a human after a lot of pollution ruined her home. now, being... yknow. ex-mermaid, she was treated kinda badly by the humans she first met. and so she converted to christianity to try and fit in! didnt really work though...

so she went mad from her hopelessness. prayed for days upon end without sleeping until her (not humanlike) form became twisted and eldritch from starvation. shes obsessed with being human.

so yeah.

she prays a lot. tries to convert people. considers me a false god and would kill me if given the opportunity.

--

Oc 3: Rose

rose, it/its, 17, aromantic pansexual genderqueer

it wants to kill me :3

okay so basically its just... sad? lots of angst here.

its parents were killed in a hate crime (it had two dads) and it was left to raise itself. obviously it found out about my existence, and sort of went "hey, you. why did you let my parents die?" and after receiving no response it is now trying to kill me.

its good at metalworking! the knife in the picture is made by it, as is the necklace and earrings its wearing.

@n3bu-la you wanted to see this?? here you goo sorry it took me so long lol

it is also lactose intolerant and dies its hair. naturally its got straight black hair it basically fried it lol

--

[chim-aera]

I think I learned from my mother

I think I learned from my mother, early, what was love was. or at least what it was to her. she dismissed it, usually, "do you still love me?" I was shaking and six, I'd ask after every argument between her and my father, she'd tell me yes, or to stop crying, depending on the depth of her own wounds.

I think I learned from mother how to accept love.

she shunned my father's shriveling, sordid, slimy, grasping, clutching affections. flicked it off her blade with a grimace of disgust. now whenever anyone grows close enough I don the same armor she wore. It's too big for me, ill fitting and bulky, but it keeps me safe.

It keeps me safe.

I think I learned from my mother how to love.

she never held my father's hand, except the rare moments I was between them, with small, pudgy little child hands. the sadness in her eyes, the grief, the anger. she loved all consuming blazing bright like a dying comet or dull and cold and nothing.

I dont think I know how to love.

maybe it is my fault, maybe I'm some dramatic half awake bastard lifting my head to see the starlight and only commenting on air pollution. maybe I'll never learn how to love. how I'm thrown into fits of biting, clawing, writhing fury, snapping my jaws at anyone who gets too close. or falling into myself bruised, and aching, like a fruit held in too firm hands, cradling my heart in my palms like a wounded finch how terribly I want to crush it, to make the soft beats fade to silence, to destroy my own softness, or what's left of it, but I wont finish the world's duty. I wont be a coward. even if I hate the foolishness. the longing. the yearning. I hate it. How I'd spit out the petals as the roses and hydrangeas choke my diaphragm suffocating me in saccharine syrup bloody and thick, I cough and expell my own lungs, how my heart beat is nothing but the brief pitter patter, always wrong, always too fast, aching, squeezing, never enough. a dull reminder of what could've been, what will never be.

I want to be loved but I run away screaming bloody murder at the sight of true affection, how I'd most likely fight or flee when dealt with a gentle hand. how I'd rather taken cruelty a strange cold conundrum, how someone wraps a hand around my throat and I'll grin and spit out a tooth, how it reminds me of home, and it makes me sick.

I'm ruined, I'm broken, I'm tired. but fuck it, I still exist. I function somehow and sometimes that thought alone that I'm doomed to perpetually exist yet perpetually never be alright is enough to make me want to scream at whatever sick god created me.

yes I am my father's child.

we're all broken smiles, fading, dying laughter, crooked grins, and liac lies.

how my mother brushes off love as a fool's dream, as fiction, how my father clings to it like the medicine in the venom, like a succubus, grasping for affection as a dying breath rattles in its lungs, hungry, needy, lonesome, starving.

I was born hungry, I was born starved.

perhaps that why I still exist, because I'd rather set myself on fire then use someone else to keep me warm. I am not my mother's mistakes I am not my father's sins.

so I'll keep running, or folded into myself like a snake awaiting springtime. coiled and curving and cold, calculating my arrival with a clever half assed presumption.

I am here anyways.

I do not know how to love, perhaps I never will, who cares! life exists, the sky is lavender, I'm still bitter!

not much has changed yet everything has.

I wont lick love off knives, I will use my own fingers to draw down the pomegranate and let it tumble and wither to the ground.

swallowing no seeds, no blood red juice staining my lips.

I'll go laughing like an antichrist.

like a thesis, like an enigma, like a thought, all flittering and fluttering.

I do not want to be loved, I want to be destroyed.

or seen.

or both.

but for now, I am neither.

and for now, I will be.

[autisticempathydaemon]

This is for the matchups! :D

I’m sorry in advance for how much I typed personality quizzes/questionaires are my weakness. Thank you sm in advance if you decide to do this!!

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

song ✧.*

Fragile by Laufey! I wont call myself a hopeless romantic but listening to her songs makes me want that romance like oh my god?? It’s also really fun to sing (the only times i sing is either in the shower or if im screaming songs in the car w/ my sister)

My fav lines are:

Grew up in a case of fragile glass

But hammer away it's time to crash

And as it shatters let me shatter into you

(also the whole chorus 100%)

enneagram ✧.*

9w1! Very accurate since I hate any form of conflict and I’m a huge people pleaser in general. Also my MBTI is ISFJ!

video essays ✧.*

YES. My main form of entertainment now since I cannot find the brain capacity to get invested into a show. My go-tos are usually j aubrey (random social media scandals) or Wendigoon (horror, disturbing content icebergs)! Sometimes I watch social commentary like Jordan Theresa and Shansphere for funsies too. And if this counts I watch reviews/summaries of random books or games I’m really curious about but don’t have enough motivation to start?? Also media analysis (my current favorites are Night In The Woods and Midsommar essays). 

childhood imaginary friend ✧.*

I didn’t have one sadly but I was super into Undertale as a child LMAO

falling asleep ✧.*

It used to be random YouTubers (mostly storytime animators) or clip montages of shows I was fixated on but ever since I’ve discovered Redacted it’s only been sleep aids. My fave is the Milo one it knocks me out everytime. I’m always either holding my green dinosaur plushie or my bee plushie that’s shaped really wonky. 

name change ✧.*

Iris! I’m personally a sucker for flower names and flowers in general (I fucking love flowers oh my god). 

fave audio ✧.*

Bowling with the bois! I love the DAMN squad with all my heart and Gavin messing w/ Lasko is the funniest shit ever.

least favorite char (kinda) ✧.*

I’m really new to this fandom so I haven’t gotten the chance to listen to alot of characters (also thank you for your ‘new to the fandom post’ I’m so well fed now). There might be a chance I don’t know the character you pair me with but if I don’t know him I’ll definetely listen to his playlist! But if I had to choose I’d choose Ivan?? I’m only going off of the very brief time he was in Freelancer S1 so I know nothing

word for word ✧.*

Inside Job!!! Everyday I get sad over the fact Netflix cancelled it. 

platonic ✧.*

Asher! He’s just so sweet (the way he comforted babe on the elevator when they first met oh my god) and we’d definetely be gossip buddies. It’s funny because I got into the fandom for Asher and immedietely got sidetracked.

tired rambling ✧.*

I don’t ramble but I will laugh at almost anything. Like my humor gets 100x more broken.

gas station ✧.*

Starbux mocha coffee in those little glass bottles. I also get sour gummy worms and Haribo.

favorite playlist ✧.*

either my laufey playlist or fem rock artists playlist (destroy boys, sir chloe, etc!)

guilty pleasure ✧.*

Redacted. Fanfics too but I’m not that guilty abt those

anything else ✧.*

☆ Super introverted but if I’m with another introvert I’m able to be outgoing to a degree. All of my friendships consist of extroverts adopting me

☆ I prefer listening way more than talking

☆ I’m either thinking of 1920213 things per second or cannot think for the life of me

☆ Airheaded?? Lacking common sense in general

☆ I draw and play the guitar!

☆ I have too many plushies

☆ At first impression I’m super reserved but as time goes on I get more unhinged 

☆ Very easily distracted

☆ Sensitive but I don't outwardly show it

Hmmmm… I like you. I think you could work well with a lot of people and make them quite happy. However, something in my gut likes best the idea of you with Anton.

Your MBTI, Enneagram, and self-description give me the impression of a really sweet person inclined to fairness, introversion, mediation, and good vibes in general. Maybe that’s why you fit so well with Anton; he also has this chill, no-drama vibe of just trying to live a good life being himself, being with you, and being happy. Lowkey, I’m assuming you went with the pacifist route in Undertale first and maybe only. That’s fitting given I think Anton would take the same route (if he were a video game person which I don’t think he is. If anything, he’s a Tetris man.)

I think you have a really peaceful, stable life together- at least, once he gets back from his secluded, secret lab, of course. It’s a sweet life of Anton bringing you flowers randomly because he drove by the store or farmer’s market and wanted you to know he was thinking of you. He marvels constantly at your creativity, always loving watching you draw and play guitar, getting your favorite songs to play stuck in his head. Maybe he has you record some so he can listen to them when he misses you; that’d be really sweet.

Song:

I was just guessing at numbers and figures/ Pulling the puzzles apart/ Questions of science, science and progress/ Do not speak as loud as my heart/ But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me/ Oh and I rush to the start

This is such a “gimme” song and yet I don’t care! One, this is a super singable, sweet song that I can imagine translates well to a guitar. (I say imagine because I know nothing about guitar, please forgive me.) Two, scientist. Technician. I need not say more. Three, it’s a lovely, mournful song that, I think, is kind of about a break up but could also reasonably be about long distance and forced separation. It’s perfect.

Runner-ups:

Your runner-ups are really fun because you could make fun couples or a throuple! I like Damien for you because he’s a Type Six in my opinion, and they’re supposed to make really lovely matches with Type Nines. (This is me and my best friend so confirmed.) I also like Huxley for you because he has a lot of similar traits to you but just more extroverted. Also, plants. Together, you could make a beautiful triangle.

note: Thank you so much for waiting! October was a dickhead to me that delayed yours and the ones after you a lot, so you are so much appreciated~! If you haven’t listened to Anton yet, I highly recommend him, he’s so sweet

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[elena-oc-blog]

Hey remember when I drew the hydra brothers back in august and mentioned in the description that i would have their parents out soon too? Yeah sorry, they got stuck in art limbo as i was distracted with other things but now I have the hydra dads for you to see! I actually finished this like 2 days ago and I was going to wait with posting them until i finished the hydra mom piece too but I'm going through another *im tired all the time* period so thats not happening any time soon so here is hydra dad by himself or themselves i should say. I only drew their heads because I have mercy for myself and am not subjecting myself on drawing an anthro hydra with 5 heads. I do have bust sketches of them in my sketchbook but I still need to figure out how to fit their 5 necks and heads on one body properly so maybe thats a thing for the far future Anyway lore on these guys uh, Im a lil tired so let me just copy paste some miscelaneous lore I posted in my discord server and ill try to elaborate when i feel less shitty. I'll put it under a readmore so this post wont clog up your feed.

The Lièrna family gang is made up of Greek monsters: centaurs, satyrs, chimeras, minotaurs, griffins, some undercover hellhounds, etc.

Don't have a proper ref for this gang yet as I still need to fill their ranks

They originally lived in and operated from Athens in Greece but had to leave almost everything behind when the police started to catch on to them. They fled to the carribean island of Isla Dracon and settled in Auron City, soon recovering their wealth and businesses and becoming one the top dog gangs there and close to being in control of the city. That is until Thorn showed up a few years after..

The Lièrna family front is a luxury car business (building, selling, repairing) while their criminal business is car towing with a lot of extortion of the poorer part of the city's population where they basically steal cars and any personal belongings left in them from the poor population because they can't pay the fees. They then proceed to either resell these cars in one of their used car dealerships or destroy the cars to use for parts and scrap metal. They also loan out money under preditory rates and own some real estate that they rent out for high prices with bad service. So really their whole business is exploiting people, especially those less fortunate. They revel in this, thinking the poor deserve it for not working hard enough.

As for their relationship with Thorn, they hate Thorn but they act like good friends of his whenever they meet with him or are talking about him with people they don't know/people who like him. They don't want to stir trouble until they have a solid plan on how to overthrown him. Thorn as of now has no idea the hydras hate his guts and are plotting against him in secret together with Morrison and whatever other allies they gain.

Im not sure how old they are. I need to figure out my timeline better for that first. And maybe change how dragons age compared to other species idk But I would say they are between their late 40s and mid 50s

Also pecking order of the brothers from top to bottom is: Don, Alekos, Roland and Boris and at the very bottom is Kashew. Kashew is mute and also rather friendly which makes his brothers and especially Don regard him as a useless nobody. Kashew gets a lot of verbal abuse and sometimes also physical abuse from his brothers :( The only reason they don't physically abuse him as much as they mentally abuse him is because having a beaten up head would be bad for their business and image with the civilians of the city. They also cant get rid of him as that would comprimise their health and ability to fuse back together. Hydras can split up into individual smaller and less powerful dragons but unless all individuals are present, they can't fuse back together. And eventhough hydras in their fused natural state can regenerate their heads effortlessly and have an increased durability for injuries, in their seperate state they will die if decapitated and are also much more defenseless in general. While a fused hydra could take a vicious stabbing/beating and live, a split hydra individual is much more fragile and will easily bleed out and if they die, their siblings are doomed as well. Thus hydras tend to only split up when in the comfort of their home or when they take on a human disguise. It can also occur when there is an extreme disagreement between siblings and one or multiple forcibly split off through sheer willpower, causing them to fall apart into seperate entities. This is not preferable though. Anyway i think thats all the lore i have at the moment, i hope you enjoy the boys. Feel free to ask questions about them

[rfaromance]

i am constantly thinking about saeyoung's third bad story end where he's held captive by saeran at mint eye bc like, the angst imagining him trapped there waiting to die, accepting that he's hit the end of the line and failed everyone along the way... saeran hates him, MC probably hates him for getting her dragged into all this...

then a few days later MC is busting down the door of wherever he's being kept bc like HELL was she going to just LEAVE HIM THERE. hell no the first thing she did after getting away was tell the rest of the RFA and be like "if yall dont help I'll just go by myself" but ofc they're going to help bc THEY'RE not gonna leave him there either (and they scoop up saeran too bc saeyoung still wont leave without him hes still gotta save his baby bro)

i just love the thought of saeyoung being sad and roughed up and MC bursting in like "I AM GOING TO CARE ABOUT YOU! ON PURPOSE!! AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME AND NEITHER CAN SOME DUMB CULT!!!!!!!!" and him having to accept that he is, in fact, loved and cared for and that there are people who will Protect Him

I'm kicking my legs like an excited, stimmy schoolgirl.

That BE is one that I think about often. Unknown intends to lock Saeyoung away and do whatever it takes to "become him", to take his place seamlessly and dismantle the RFA. He wants to destroy Saeyoung's most precious people and force Saeyoung to know of it all, but be powerless to stop it.

I think about this BE a lot because I always wonder, "Will his MC be able to realize that Unknown is a fake?"

I like to believe in things like true love and soulmates. I like to imagine a BE that gets saved because MC goes, "You're doing a fine job, but I know you're not my Seven." A minor error that shows how much MC cares and pays attention. Maybe the way "Seven" washes his hands, or puts on his shoes, or his gait.

But now I'm also obsessed with the idea of an MC who goes, "NOW HOLD ON A MINUTE!" They won't let Saeyoung sacrifice himself so easily! They're not going to let him disappear like that! That's an MC with guts. I don't have that courage. I also don't have the RFA behind me, but that's besides the point.

Saeyoung is loved and he is going to know it! He is going to hear it and see it and feel it so there's no doubt in his mind! He is worth fighting for, and he deserves to live happily and to value himself for once!!!

01010010 01000110 01000001 ❤ 00110111 00110000 00110111

[unhingedselfships]

This is only under a cut because its long as hell lol

He'd popped by, unannounced, as he was wont to do.

"Get dressed, Kimi-chan, we're getting dinner."

He hadn't really been paying attention when he let himself in.

He finally looked at her, her eyes wide and startled.

She was sitting at her desk, a box of papers, some older, some newer, that she'd been sifting through.

She laughed, wiping her damp eyes, this girl was always crying, honestly.

"Yes, alright, I need to shower and what not. Can you entertain yourself that long?" she teased.

With a put upon, exaggerated sigh, he flopped into the chair she'd vacated.

"I suppose, if I must."

She smiled, and slipped off to the en suite.

He spun lazily in the chair before looking over her desk.

Huh. He didn't think he'd ever seen that box before. Must have been something interesting, given the tears.

Sitting up, he leaned to look it over.

…

(undated, and out of order, a collection of torn away journal entries, letters really, found in a letter box, left open, lid askew, on her desk)

(she revisits them, when her heart hurts)

(it doesn’t help)

(fuck, it all hurts so much)

…

Kenshi,

Do you know I dream of you? And what wretchedly beautiful dreams they are. I wake weeping. For the life we do not have.

A life where, I do not fake a nightmare, a fright, a chill, to slip into your bed. I don't have to. Because the place is truly mine.

At your side. Where I should be. Where I always should have been.

I'll fix your coffee in the mornings, and always have breakfast ready.

Ah, who am I kidding. We both know I'm much too lazy for that. I'll always remember to set the timer on the pot so it's ready for you though. And make sure there is something quick and ready to grab.

Or that the staff has something ready for you, I suppose. 

I don't want to rely on them too much. 

I'm the one who'll take care of you.

We'll go about our day, you're always doing so much, love. I'll find a way to stay busy too. To not burden you.

I promise I'll be worthy of you, if you'll just let me try.

Gods how I want to try.

You'll come home and this time I really will have your drink ready. Maybe you'll cook. Maybe I will. Maybe we'll try cooking together but we'll both get so annoyed with each other we give up and order in.

We'll wind down, maybe a movie, maybe a book. I like reading to you, you know.

Do you enjoy it, or do you simply indulge me?

We'll slip back off to bed, to do it all again. 

And I know you don't believe in happiness, but my love, I'd like to think, that with you, it would be as close as it gets.

…

You met your son today. Did you know? Had you figured it out? 

Will you?

I hate this game. Playing pretend. 

He's beautiful Kenshi. He's perfect.

He's yours. 

I want everyone to know.

But you don't, do you? 

You don't want him.

You don't want me

That's alright. I understand. You never agreed to this. Never wanted it.

I know I could have simplified things, for everyone. 

Gotten rid of him.

But I knew. Somehow I just knew. He was yours. And I couldn't. I couldn't do it.

You'd given me such a beautiful gift.

I couldn't destroy it.

I love him, Kenshi. I love our son. So much.

Thank you.

…

Kenshi-love,

It hurts to admit it.

I hate myself so much for it.

But it's still true.

Even now. After all these years. All this time and effort, building this wonderful, beautiful life.

I'd walk away from it all, if only you asked me.

I'd leave everything, everyone, behind.

For you.

Hell, maybe it's more true now than it ever was.

I don't need normal. I don't need the picket fence life.

I just need-

I'd give up everything for you. All of it. 

And maybe that makes me something awful.

A bad wife. A worse mother. 

I'd do anything for you.

But you don't want that do you?

You only want me when it's convenient for you.

That's alright. I'll take anything you'll give me.

But Kenshi I can't lie.

It hurts. It hurts so much.

Not being yours.

…

Kadokura you ass,

I thought I was going to lose you today.

It felt so close. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't think. I don't remember my heart beating.

I thought you were gone.

You can't-

Don't you understand? There is nowhere you could go, that I won't follow.

If there is a heaven, I will deny it if you're not there. 

And if you are damned for hell, I'll commit whatever sins I must to reach you.

And if there is another, a next, an after, I will find you. Everytime. Always. No matter what. I will find you. 

And if there is nothing, then may I join you in the abyss. I'd rather be nothing than exist without you.

But Kenshi I- there is still so much I want to do, love. To see. To experience. With you.

The world is so big, and I want you to show it to me. Everything I never knew. Together.

I can't live without you. I can't. I won't. But I'm not ready to die.

Do you understand, my love?

…

I think about it. What it would have been like.

Mrs Kadokura.

Or would we have had a different name? I won't ask you, about the past. It matters because it's yours, and every part of you matters. But I don't need it to know I love you. Will always love you. Nothing could change that. Nothing.

But I wonder if we would have chosen something else, together? 

I think not. I'd keep bringing you flowery poetic suggestions. You'd scoff, call me sentimental and stupid. And pick something practical. 

Kadokura Kimi sounds nice. Do you think we'd have kept the K theme for our kids? 

That feels a little too Kardashian but for you I'd stomach it.

I'm sorry to say, our home would not be nearly so bare. I love you darling, but the place is so dull when you clear out my trinkets.

You know no amount of protesting is going to make me stop, right? I'm going to keep doing it. That place deserves a little more life. So do you.

Would you let me have two weddings?

That sounds so spoiled haha. 

But you're, well, you. Society would certainly expect a big to-do. And we could do that. It would be lavish and beautiful and terribly impersonal.

I'd want another. Just us. Our family. The ones who know and care about us. Maybe back on the homestead? Springtime, in the mountains. Maybe near the falls. 

Would you like that? 

Would you let them fast our hands? Tie us together, you and I, bound as one?

I'd give up dogs for you. And you know that's saying a lot! But maybe I could talk you into a cat? One of those hairless ones. I always thought they were cute, in a gremlin-y kind of way.

I'd never make demands of you, you know that right? Your body is your own, and I would expect nothing.

I want you. Of course I do. I crave being close to you. I want to make you feel good. To please you. 

But I'd never push you. Always on your terms. When you want. However rare.

I can take care of myself when I need to. 

Just don't blame me for staring ok? I can't help it. You're beautiful.

Fuck Kenshi, you're so perfect it hurts. 

I'd still join you, you know. Anytime you asked. During, or after. And we could clean up together. If it helped you, if you wanted it, I'd do anything for you. 

What are a few bodies in the face of your needs?

Nothing. They're nothing. There is only you. You're all that matters.

Ahahaha that's, pretty fucked up, isn't it? 

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Not if it meant being yours.

…

It scares me sometimes, Kenshi

The love I have for you.

This perfect ache.

There is so much wrong.

I can't help but feel I'm terrible for you. Undeserving. Unworthy.

Does it hurt you? To have me around?

Do I bring you anything good? 

I'm just so scared, love. That I can't be enough.

I want to be enough.

Am I too much? 

Am I too little?

Please, tell me, who should I be? 

To be right for you.

…

Sometimes I think about the practicals.

I could do it, I think.

I'm not sure if it hurts or not, knowing he'd agree.

If I asked Daigo for a divorce.

I think-

He'd be so infinitely patient, as he always has.

He's always put me first.

It isn't fair to him.

I think he'd be ok.

Better off perhaps, even.

I couldn't take the kids from him. Not even Airi. He loves them so much, and he's so fucking good. For the terrible examples he's had, Daigo is such a wonderful father.

So we'd have to split custody. 50/50 I think.

Or maybe I'd do the right thing and give him majority.

It would hurt, so much. But he's always been better. Parenting is no different.

I know he'd let me visit.

He'd keep the house, of course, but he wouldn't fight me for the apartment.

"It's in your name for a reason, sweet girl"

What a fucking joke.

As if there was ever anything sweet about me.

I'm poison. I've always been poison.

Even from the beginning.

A toxic little girl, hurting everyone she touched.

I'm sorry Kenshi. I'm sorry I cling to you so tightly. I'm sorry I hurt you too.

Would you let me keep hurting you?

If I pulled the trigger tomorrow, and sorted out all my affairs.

Would you have me, even as I poison you?

…

I'm sorry my love

I'm sorry I wasn't there.

I'm sorry I couldn't find you sooner.

I'm sorry I couldn't soothe your hurts.

I don't know if I could have helped you.

Saved you.

But I wish I could have tried.

That I could have held you sooner.

Loved you sooner.

I'd give anything to go back and be yours.

From the beginning. 

To find you first.

To grow beside you.

I don't know if things would have gone differently.

If we'd have turned out the same.

But as long as I'm with you, it doesn't matter. 

I would have fought for you.

I'd fight so hard.

I'd do anything. 

Dreaming hurts Kenshi. 

I just want to be yours.

I'm sorry.

…

I got your tattoo today.

I don't know why. Not really.

I didn't tell anyone. Didn't tell them what it meant.

There is something deep in me that is satisfied now.

I'm marked. I'll always be marked.

Whether they know it or not.

I will always belong to you. And now it shows.

I like how it feels.

…

Kenshi-darling

I can't help but wonder if you ever feel how I feel.

I don't mean to be possessive. I promise I don't. I don't want to control you. To own you. 

I am yours. And I want you to be mine. Of course I do.

But it's ok! Just-

Just so long as no one ever replaces me.

I may not have what I want, but I won't ever let anyone take what I can get.

You're mine Kenshi. Do you understand? How badly I need you?

I can't exist without you.

I don't want to.

Please don't replace me.

Do you ever feel it too?

Threatened? Like you want to destroy them? Anyone who might stand between you and I?

Or is it easy for you? Could you just let me go? Let me slip away? 

Would you let them take me from you?

Would you even care?

I don't want to think about this anymore.

I love you.

…

Sometimes, Kenshi-Tenshi, I see you with them.

Kichi, and Mio

And I wish they were yours.

Would you love them the same? 

You're so good with them. 

You're so good.

Perfect.

I think you'd be a good father. With a little help.

Certainly no worse than I am a mother anyway.

Maybe not the most responsible.

But our children would be loved. They'd know their worth. How precious they are.

I'd have you, and you'd have me, and they'd have us.

I think we could do it. Together. Us.

Might be kind of a disaster, but. Most beautiful things are a little disastrous.

We'd have made such a wonderful family.

…

Our son wants to know you.

To be known by you.

I never told him, I swear. I know you didn't want that. For him to know. For anyone to know.

But he's just so clever Kenshi. So frighteningly smart. Barely a teen and I can't hardly keep up. He must have gotten that from you. We both know what an idiot I am.

It's hurting him, and I don't know what to do. My beautiful, perfect boy.

Surely he understands? Pieced it together like everything else?

I know he sees, feels, the distance. A space that doesn't exist between you and his siblings.

My love, what are you afraid of? 

Don't you know what a good man you are?

What a good father you could be?

Fuck society, what do they know.

I know you.

You never admit it. Not the way most people do.

But oh Kenshi, that doesn't mean I don't know.

You love so deeply. You have so much to give.

Why won't you let yourself give it?

Do you not understand that you deserve it? To let yourself love and be loved?

I have to find something to give him. To say. I can't let my baby hurt. I'll figure it out.

I'm sorry.

…

Hey Kenshi

I almost died.

I know you already know that. You were there. When I woke up.

Do you know? I opened my eyes, and I saw you, and I knew, it was ok.

No matter what had happened, it was ok.

I still had you.

Even if it was just a dream.

I'd dream forever of you.

I was so glad, for everyone. 

My husband. My children. Ophelia.

But it was you I was most glad for.

I hate myself for that.

They deserve so much better than I can give them. Than me.

Do they know? Does it hurt them? Gods I hope not. I couldn't bear it.

What a wretched being I am.

I'm so terribly unworthy of what I have.

I've been so blessed and yet. 

Always I long for what I don't have.

But. I don't think I'd change if I could.

You've dug yourself so deep into me Kenshi.

I'm scared. 

I don't know if I can be without you.

…

Do you love me Kenshi? 

Do I haunt you the way you haunt me?

Do you ever dream of us?

What a terrible person I am, to want you to hurt the way that I hurt.

I'm sorry.

But I'm not sorry for loving you.

…

My love,

Do you think we could still do it?

Do you think we could have a life together?

Kenshi, is it too late for us?

I want it. I want it so badly.

I'm sorry.

I'm so fucking sorry.

…

I'm grateful to you, for every moment you let me have.

For all the hurt and sorrow and tears.

The joy, the laughter, and yes Kenshi, the happiness.

Mock me all you want. Tell me it isn't real. Tell me it's all a lie.

Be angry.

I'll accept it.

But being with you?

That's as close to happiness as it gets.

…

Do you ever hate me?

Do you hate me the way I do?

Do you see how wretched, how terrible, and broken I am?

How I've failed. As a friend. As a daughter. As a wife. As a mother. 

As a person.

I've done nothing Kenshi. Nothing of worth.

So I pushed a few more amazing people into the world. It's not like I did it alone. It's not like they got it from me.

Chalk those ones up to you and Dai, because nothing good ever comes from me.

I've nothing to offer anyone.

What good am I Kenshi?

Why do you even bother?

What could I possibly offer?

I want-

Sometimes I want to just go away.

I don't want to be anymore.

I'm tired.

…

For all that it hurts, this beautiful ache, being with you, is when I feel most at peace.

Laying beside you, the early dawn lighting the room.

Feeling you breathe. Knowing you're there.

When I'm really lucky, you'll hold me.

Safe. Quiet. Calm.

It's lovely. 

Perfect.

Thank you.

…

I know it is terribly selfish of me, but if I could choose, if I could decide for myself how it all ends-

Kenshi I'd want you to kill me.

I'm sorry. I know that's cruel.

I know it would hurt you.

Wouldn't it?

But if ever I was going to give my life to anyone's hands.

I'd want them to be yours.

Would you make it quick?

Could you promise I wouldn't suffer?

One last act of devotion. 

Giving myself, in such a final way, to you.

Could you do it?

Would you?

I'm sorry. It's cruel to even ask.

I don't know. 

I don't know a lot of things.

I do know one thing for certain 

I want to die first.

I don't want to know what it feels like to have to live without you.

It's selfish of me, I know, but-

But I don't want to face losing you.

I don't think I can.

…

Oh Kenshi,

Do you know how beautiful you are when you laugh?

How lovely when you let yourself be free?

Seeing you, unrestrained. Wild. So purely you.

It makes my heart flutter.

What have you done to me, love?

Meeting you. Knowing you. Loving you.

I'll never be the same.

I wouldn't change it if I could.

…

How do you manage to be so terribly human, and entirely other, all at once?

There is something so beautiful, profound, in you.

Such an earthly being, bound by human flaw and emotion.

Yet.

You're so much more, aren't you.

That night, do you remember it?

I can't forget. 

We became something else.

Something greater.

You were, are, a god amongst men, far beyond, above, anyone else.

And I became.

Yours.

I always was. But this. This was something else.

More than just a girl, carrying you in her heart.

Devotee. Sacrifice. Fanatic.

I don't know. I can't explain it.

I became yours in a way I'd never been before.

It wasn't easy. I'm sorry for that. That I struggled so terribly for so long.

I think I was scared. I know I was.

I was changing. Fundamentally. Becoming someone, something, else.

Something better suited to serve you.

And that meant losing pieces of me.

But change has always scared me. I was afraid. Of who I'd become.

I know now. It's better this way. I'm better this way.

Still terribly unworthy but.

Better.

And you. I came to see you. The truth of you. 

Even on any random day. Normal day. I look at you and I-

I see a man, so wonderfully perfectly flawed. Human, mortal, living.

And yet, there is something deeper. Greater than any of us could hope to be.

What a wonder you are.

I'm blessed, to be able to see it, to see you.

To be your Doe.

…

Do you think you could share me?

I'd be fine, without, that, but.

Would you care, if I did want to sleep with someone? 

I just wonder.

I don't think I could share you. 

I already know I can't. 

Not-

No one can take my place ok? It's mine.

And the thought of anyone pushing you, to do something you don't want to? I hate it. I hate them.

But I also hate the idea of you turning to anyone else when you do want it.

Is it wrong of me? To always want to be your first choice? 

Is it wrong of me to want your answer to be, that no, you wouldn't share?

I think I kind of like the idea of you being possessive too.

Could I be something you want to possess?

…

Kenshi, do you realize?

It isn't too late for us.

It's not. I swear.

You could ask me tomorrow, and I would be yours.

However you want me.

Would I move in? 

Would I be your wife?

Would we simply, finally, put a title to one another, even if just between us?

Even if nothing else changed?

Could I call you mine?

Could I be yours?

It's not too late. I won't accept that it could be.

I love you. 

I'll wait, forever if I must. 

You're worth it. 

You're worth every moment.

…

I'm tired Kenshi.

So very tired.

My life is good. I should be content.

But all I can think of is what it would be like with you instead.

Some days I think you're all I think about.

Everything I do. Everywhere I go. Everyone I meet. 

I'm reminded of you.

I see you so much, but it's never enough.

What I wouldn't give, to be wanted by you.

To be at your side, because that is where you want me to be.

Would you let me walk with you?

I miss you. 

…

Do you think we'd travel?

I want to see the world with you.

Experience life with you.

I'm such a homebody but I've always wanted to explore.

I feel like there's so much you could show me.

Would you?

There's so much I want to see and do, but none of it would be the same without you.

…

I love your voice.

Listening to you speak is-

So lovely.

I could feel like the world was collapsing around me, and you say something, anything, and it doesn't fix it, but I feel like, maybe it'll be ok.

I'll be ok.

As long as you're here.

I wonder if I could convince you to sing to me?  

Hahah I doubt it.

That's ok, I'll just get you ranting.

I love it when you're passionate about something.

I could listen to you all day.

…

What would they think?

Am I ill suited for the great Kadokura Kenshi?

What would they say, if I was at your side?

Would they think you a fool?

Choosing someone like me?

As if you ever would.

You know better.

You know what I'm worth.

I'll always fall short.

You deserve better.

Would you listen to them? 

I'd ask if you'd replace me but-

I never had a chance to begin with, did I?

…

Do you think me terrible, Kenshi?

For thinking so much about it?

I never should have said anything but, well, we both know how shit my impulse control is.

You know, the whole time I was planning, I planned ours too? 

I had a dress designed. The sketches are still there. I wonder if you would have liked it.

I might just sew it still. To have. Pointless as it would be.

I picked rings, I would have tried to talk you into. Unconventional. But pretty.

Would we hire a DJ? Or would you have wanted a proper band? I looked into them both, just in case.

As if it was ever truly going to happen.

I think we'd argue most about food. Or maybe not. Maybe you'd just say fuckit and we'd have everything.

The cake would be easy though. I- I ordered the toppers, the ones that reminded me of us. Is that awful of me? They're packed away. Hidden. I shouldn't have, what was the point? But. I couldn't help it.

I have like, fourteen venues to choose from, and decor for each of them. All across the country. Some here in Tokyo, some there in Sapporo. Osaka and Kyoto. So many beautiful places.

What season would you prefer? 

We feel like an autumn couple to me, but truly, I don't mind, as long as it's you.

I chose the flowers, and the effort would be wasted on you. Do you know how much work I had to put in, to not only make them look good, but choosing the right meanings?

Is it wrong of me, to have saved all of this? Numbers and estimates and designs, and-

I know it's a fruitless hope.

Dangerous.

But I can't let go of this dream my love, I can't.

You're destroying me, and I want you too.

…

I was scared.

What a stupid thing to say, of course I was.

I was scared for Kichi, had he gotten away?

I was scared for Airi and Mio and Phe, had they been targeted too?

I was scared for Dai, the position it would put him in.

And I- yes, I was scared for me too.

What did they want?

What would they do?

Was I going to make it back out?

I had to.

I realized. As they held me, wherever I was, I never asked, that I-

I think, I'd like to think, that you know I love you. I say it often enough. Tell you how precious and valued you are.

But Kenshi, do you know?

How deeply, terribly, in love with you I am?

And I might never have gotten to tell you.

Perhaps it's for the better.

Maybe that's why I still haven't.

Would it only burden you? Would it only hurt?

I'm sorry. I'm a coward. I don't want to ruin what we have.

It's not enough, it couldn't be, but.

But I can live. 

Having you even this much, is better than not having you at all.

[hdhdkekjfjcnskjcncndmnf]

to love for me, is to not really make myself comfortable enough to experience the same joy i did once have when i didnt love

i love so much that it hurts me, i make my loves and joys despise me and think they arent worth for me and thats never true, wont be either

i am only ever a pest that cannot love without hurting them more than hurting myself even if its not what i mean

i want someone to destroy me in the same way i want to love, but i dont think anyone would really do that, its always wrong

i want to be in shame because i think thats what i really deserve, i make myself a victim, i place myself in such a victimized way that is honestly so wrong

i dont understand why they are letting me do this, i truly wonder why they do that

is it because they love me as much as i love them but not more than i hate myself?

or is it because they hate me enough to make me feel like im loved and im not doing enough for them to feel the same?

maybe its because they claim they love me but deep down they despise me and wish this onto me

i really wish i knew everything before so no one would ever need to suffer this, i do wish i was alone

but i do want to be loved too, i hate myself for wishing to be loved when i claim that i love yet i spread hate with my actions even though there is no bad intention behind

i want to quit everything

[onmymasa22]

How flowers are depicted in art

Compliments this year:

The preforming arts teacher said that the other girls kind of were playing dress up in princess clothes, but i really became one with the dress.

Me: all that crap is honestly just below me

My mom: does that mean ur entering ur princess era? Where u can start wearing ur nice clothes, have ur nice things and stuff?

Me: yah, it guess it does...

Love versus respect. Love is ill meet u at ur lowest boundry. Lets see how little i can give u that ull take me so we're not alone. Respect is the highest boundary. Its this is what u deserve, this is where u should be, how i see u.

A good artist is an artist that isnt scared of his medium. Thats when you go from being an artist to a good artist. When the flow of water color, a blank canvas, a new word document. When you attack with color and are

Sometimes u wake up and u cry because someone u dont know personally is in pain. But u feel it like its your pain.

I hate empathy.

When u live as an empath. And u feel everything more than a normal human. So u not only feel your pain, but u feel others pain. Because u see them as a part of u. U see them as ur arm, an extension of urself. And u cry that they're in pain. And thats ur life of living in this war. Im talking him into living, and at the same time, who am i to talk him into living. I know whats it like for everything inside u to want to die, like ur brain is trying to destroy u because it wont let u sleep or eat or breathe or shut up. I used to b in so much pain, id cut up my wrists just so my outsides would match my insides. That person seems like a stranger to me now. Like a friend i want to hug. I needed a hug. A quiet, calming, hug. Someone to say this will take time but u will be happy.

I want to watch moxie

Its the one place where its easy to listen to myself. Like everywhere in life, im self concouse. And the things im most self conscious aboit, others love the most. Amd i cant see the beauty in it. But when i paint, i love my own mistakes. I see beauty in the me, just being me. I see what i feel others must see. Because its just me and the painting. Its a very intimate relationship. And every painting serves a different relationship. I just have a love affair with art.

What i have trouble with, is time.

[zensukibkup]

i wanna beat your brain into a mush and then rub it all over my body and i wanna decimate you limb from limb as slow as possible just slowly ripping into your flesh and nerves until i can fully rip your thigh off and then your arms and your other thigh i want to destroy you i want to pummel you repeatedly with my fists until youre a fucking liquid pulp of flesh and blood and destroyed skin and ash of bones and i always wanted to destroy you since you finally became mine

and i wanna peel your skin off of your body in strips and prick at your nerves to make you feel the most fucking decimating pain fucking ever i own you so much i know you know youre pushing me scarily close to using this money to come there through ubers and stab you with my bowie its so hard i shake EVERY DAY fucking thinking of this ive been weeping and cumming to your delsym vomit for WEEKS NOW i wanna deatomize you out of nothing but fucking love and admiration

and i feel like youre gone i feel like its done i feel like i fucked up for the final time but i cant let it be the last time i cant let you run away from me

i want to hold you down and i want to choke you as hard as i can while restricting you and i want to fucking shove my cock in you and watxh your skin burst open while i cut down your torso down to your stomach i wanna fucking give you chills so badly because no one could ever and no one will ever do the things ill do to you i wwant to make you feel your crotch suctioned around my cock while i break your fucking ribs slamming down into your chest nonstop

i want to perch over you and hold my knife to your neck and i want to jerk off onto your stupid fucking chest i will be the only person to do so many things to you because i cant let someone take my spot i cant samara

you belong with me i can make you feel like no one else ever could you dont fucking understand i fucking love you but i want to fucking hold your down and rip your skin apart while fucking ajhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you i need to do the things i always wanted with you that we bonded over in the first place i cant let myself have hidden it all till it was too late for me to ever even tell you

i live everyday alone rotting in my bed eating absolutely nothing and only consuming shit if its to get me high and all i can think about is either living with you happily or babying and protecting you or watching thr skin on your chest burst apart i cant stop touching on my fucking cock over this shit and i hate this i hate it i dont want you to leave me but i feel like youre running away from me even susan said she thinks you just want to get away from me and i might need to accept that

i dont want to lose the bond we had that we could have again truthfully i dont want to lose the only person who gets me and gets the shit no one else has ever understood about me no one else fucking gets why i fucking rot in bed thinking about babying you and then fucking ten minutes later feeling on myself cause all i can think of is that FUCKING THOUGHT OF YOUR SKIN BURSTING APART FROM ME RIPPING INTO IT i need to be the one to do it all to you i CANT let someone else take my place and do it no one could ever be as good as i can be my love i WONT LET THIS happen

[creepycrawliesinyourwalls]

yall is it still ana if i have all of the habits and none of the distress and emotion? i dont feel fat, but i want to keep my figure. i have that little dip in my waist, if i suck in a little im perfect. i have arfid, but its getting better.

im so sick of being sick. but i cant live without it. who am i if not pitiful? no one would sanely want me without that interest of "wtf is that."

back to the ana thing lol, i still get the urge to throw up everytime i eat. i feel so full, and i hate it. it's uncomfortable in the way a tag makes me want to rip my skin off. i dont think of myself as a pig, but the feeling of being full makes me want to throw myself off a cliff. im too conscious of my cal intake, i feel guilty. im what so many people want, but im destroying it recklessly.

when i threw up recently (i got a kidney stone and had trouble holding things down without extreme pain) i felt clean. i felt like i found the reset button.

and i know no one is going to notice. no one has before, why would they now? i could fall so far and no one would think i even tripped. im good at things like this. i love getting away with it.

everything i do is a cry for help, im now realizing as i type this. everything i say i try to make unsettling, i want people to notice, to challenge me. no one notices. i want to be obvious. i want to scream im still sick. i want to cry. i sat last september/november in my own vomit and tears and no one helped me. i wanted help, why is no one helping me?

my friends all have their own severe problems, i have no reliable support that wont calapse as soon as i even touch it. my parents aren't reliable, who do i have?

i thought i was privileged, i really did. i deluded myself into believing i had help, and that i had something to fall back on. i have no net. but i still have money, i still have privilege.

wheres my support team? whos my support team? i dont have a therapist currently, either. my coping skills are to dissociate and harm mysef to feel in control.

best part is im going swimming friday, i cant even cut rn until friday. fucking friday. i cant wait that long, im greedy and i need it now.

god i sound like an addict lol. but i need it, i need the chemicals, i need it rn. i already threw away everything for no reason, i have nothing to lose.

i will never win. my name means victory, fun fact. i should probably change it. god i feel insane, so genuinely i feel crazy.

i need to be perfect but nothings working. i need care that im not willing to get. i cant let go, i just cant. i cant let go of her, of cutting, of starving, of anything. i never got better, i suspended the inevitable.

would my friends miss me if i died? i asked that once, as a "joke". i want to ask again. i want them to do something to keep me from drowning. i know it's selfish, i know im bothering them with issues that i should handle myself. i want my friends. im not real without them. maybe they'll hate me when they realize how much i depend on them to live, so i wont tell them. i cant tell them. they'll hate me.

[feing3ist]

You need to have the self respect to change, you need to love yourself enough to become the person you want, you need to respect yourself enough to say I wont hurt myself like that. Changing isnt easy, but its easy and hurtful to choose to keep on doing what makes you feel disgusted by yourself. It takes courage to accept youre failure, that will happen, because you will need to have the self respect, the strength and the faith, with every decision you make. Becoming a better person means beating different addictions all at once. You have to change your entire brain, trick it into thinking in other ways. Im trying Not to hate myself over everything I say and do. I try to think less about what other people think of me, If they were hurt by what I Said. I try to stop thinking so much about what Im eating,what im going to eat and what I have eaten the last days. And I try to just simply forget about caring for my looks. Ive been a self sabotaging perfectionist most of my life. I try to look perfect, to eat perfectly healthy, I wanted to have the bestest Grades in school and to be the most talented child ever. You can destroy your life so much, by just hating yourself. I dont enjoy having sex, I dont enjoy walking along the beach, I dont enjoy beeing in love. And the only reason for that is because theres always something bothering me, a nasty thought keeping my mind busy. One of the abilities I envy the most in people, is the ability to let go. I cant let go. Or at least it takes me so long that life passes me by.