#like i really feel like ppl dont even want to tolerate me anymore

[astro-gnome]

starting to think that im forever gonna be lonely and miserable

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

hello pmd9, I am interested in hearing your thoughts about monitoring ones media intake, screen time etc .. I've been doing a digital ""fast"" lately that has increased my clarity. I'm coming to realize seeking a more healthy relationship with tech without withering away seems like it will be enduring & lifelong... seems to me there is a need for a digital diet these days and was wondering if you have struck a balance or if this presses you aswell

hello :) my thoughts are that ... its crucial !! to be a little distant

For me it's like. hard to be online as i used to. part of that is surely jst getting /old/ and no longer feeling 'fomo' when i,m offline because Well i've already seen/experienced So much from the online world lol. Sadly nothing can compare to the way the inernet felt to me 10+ yrs ago u_u it doesnt hook me in like it used to, its like building a tolerance to a drug or st

but i still try to be online a little bit and maintain balance by scrolling the dash a few times a day so i dont completely lose touch.. keeping it real tho i usually cant make it past 2-3 mins of scrolling before i lose interest cus yeah idk nothing Hooks me anymore ! This makes me feel like a bad online friend sometimes that im not very active in ppls notes i dont see a lot of things ....... but it is what it is! i just like being irl or thinking in my mind more than being online now unless im Posting

Basically my main reason for staying online is to Post because Posting is fun and engaging. And in that sense the internet is still my most effective portal to the outside world. i feel a responsibility to keep posting. But i also feel more than ever its important to be a little distant & offline, for everyone. U can def have a healthy relationship w social media and use it in benevolent or even just neutral ways when u have strong boundaries !

U must use the website, not let the website use U . . .

This Pochita incident has also been a big dosage of reality-check, like, i want to be present irl even more now, because life is precious and fragile and i want to really know the moment. know every moment vividly & intentionally

But yeah the internet is just neutral to me, it's good as a tool, u must be aware of your limits and able to step away when u feel frustrated or overwhelmed. times when i was REally addicited to the internet i was not enjoying myself. i enjoy it now because i figured out a way to use it that feels personally fulfilling. That method will be different for everyone ^_^

Thanks for the question anon, good luck in maintaining your digital boundaries ~~~PMD9

[compassionatereminders]

Hi Kat. I need to tell this to anyone, cuz im going nuts, and I can't tell anyone cuz its illegal. So I met this beautiful human. Empathetic, intelligent and good person. Okay, thats the side she showed me ( we all do that too, so..) she began to explain me that she had a dark side. To which obviously I wasnt scared, and I gave her a safe place so that she could explain herself in confidence. Well, it's the worst thing anyone has ever explained to me, because she fucking killed her father. Since she told me that my morals are broken. My whole belief system just got spun. It must be said that her father has mistreated her all her life, with a lot of violence. But I walked away from a person because he bordered psychopathy, and I don't understand how I have surrounded myself with another sociopath again. But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is, I'm not scared for myself. I want to stay. I want to know more, because nobody has caught her for it, like, they closed the case wtf. She planned It all but she wasn't even directly involved, and I'm very curious. I should go, because she has crossed a limit that I can't tolerate. but I feel that with her, I am safe. I don't want to close the door on her but he has killed a person, a human. But I think my dark side just flows with this type of ppl. Next day imma ask everything I can to understand. But im scared cuz im.not really scared? I dont understand me anymore she cracked my head with this. U think im a bad person?

No. Especially not if she killed him to escape abuse. This might be controversial, but I think that if you abuse someone and don't allow them to get away from you, you deserve whatever they might do to defend themselves. Obviously I do not condone randomly killing people, but I think self defense is different. Also I don't think you have to armchair diagnose her or anyone else based on the fact that they did something bad. There can be many different causes for that kind of behavior outside ASPD

[taldigi]

why dont you like futaba/gen?

A lot of the persona 5 characters, while colorful and anime-archetype-y- do have a grounded-ness to them- they all have very real issues and very real skillsets... and While characters like Yuuske and Makoto (even Ren, depending on how you play him) could be considered prodigies and/or excel in their fields, Futaba stands out and further forward in terms of that. An infinately brilliant hacker that can basically pull miracles out of their computer? Just as brilliant as Makoto in terms of reasoning and problemsolving? She's mean and "Sassy" which really steps on Mona and Ryuji's area and is later pulled as empathetic like Ann.

I'm only a few steps into Palace 5 and already she annoys me from a character implementation standpoint. Instead of her worrying, it should be Ann. Instead of her figuring out what happened, it should have been Makoto or Yuuske.

Her persona is wild in the sense that it feels really... reductive comparative to the others. the "Wow! a persona as a vehicle!" factor from Makoto is absolutely trashed and outshone by Futaba's giant UFO persona. IDK it feels wrong.

Even her character design doesn't match the others. All of them have a.. tangibility. They all look like stylish thieves- even Ann, who does vary... is based off Catwoman! Yet Futaba doesn't mach any of them! Giant goggles, giant shoes. OK astro boy.

She doesn't fit in that brand of "Silly" that P5 has cultivated for me so far. In a game where there is a bobbleheaded cat that fights demons in clown castles, She feels like a cartoon character. Hell, I'd even say that she feels less like a character and more like a... tool. a plot device.

Persona also suffers from severe anime brainrot- and thats bad when she's so little sister coded, which would be fine if you squint... if she wasn't also a romancible character with unavoidable scenes. I KNOW she's the same age/ish as the others but she's also insanely immature, framed as childish, and is literally described as frail. She needs vitamin D and iron supplements stat.

...and for the most part I have been able to grit my teeth through that anime brainrot because it's been offering a really great story with really amazing characters. When Ren looses some of his personality to "Stoic Anime Protag brainrot" or they do something fuckin' weird with the girls as eyecandy. It's fine, it's whatever. But Futaba... she's.. something else. UGH wish I could put it in WORDS.

She's becoming more tolerable the further in I go to the next palace' storyline, but thats because she's not as relevant anymore to make way for the new girl (who I havent met yet but I like her a lot already) so I know it's not.. my ML-induced phobia of character bloat.

...and please don't try and explain her actions cause of her backstory, im talking from a character design and implementation angle. I think.. I think I'd like her more if she was an exterior member of the thieves, an actual child, and slightly less prodigy-ish.

tl:dr: she feels like a fanfiction character and is weirdly out of place.

She was also mean to Yuuske and Morgana for no fucking reason when she should have been mean to Ryuji instead. I want to push her down the stairs. I also want her to stop touching Ren please. I know ppl think it's okay or funny if it's a guy but it's not.

[dateamonster]

what’s your opinion on monstrous transformations (both fast and slow), and also more controversially what do you think about having monsters/nonhuman characters serve as minority allegory (as opposed to society’s hate for them being being an allegory)

ohhh hold on this is a rly good question i think abt a Lot actually.

ok getting the first bit out of the way, love a good monstrous transformation. fast, slow, its all good. i personally like gradual slow shifts the most but its a situational thing. transformation is one of those things that like just always has to be symbolic. even more than the degree to which Everything is symbolic ya know. so like context rly matters when it comes to how to invoke it most effectively.

MOVING ON

i think from the phrasing of the ask ur looking for something more along the lines of like. for example shapeshifters as representation of nonbinary people or aliens as representation of different cultures rather than like monsters vs humans as allegory for racism. but im also not sure you can meaningfully separate the two! the latter i think is more overused so it like registers more as an immediate red flag, but its like. if the aliens from avatar werent being violently invaded by humans it wouldnt make like their reskinned stereotypical indigeneity anymore tolerable i dont think.

which isnt to say i think every story that draws connections between fantastical fictional species and real world people are inherently bad. i dont really think theres any trope that i believe cant be handled well by anyone under any circumstance. the super easy fix to bad rep via monster or fantasy creature characters is basically just have actual humans who also represent those same identities and communities and experiences so that the audience isnt drawn to connect the traits of any one group with your fictional species.

the harder fix is to like seriously analyze why you want this character to be a monster and what that says about them and what that says about you and your own experiences and biases and what you actually want to communicate with the inclusion of this character. and when applicable hire a sensitivity reader. its kinda crazy how many pieces of media seem to prefer half-assing the hard way over just doing the easy thing and not assigning the status of token minority to a literal monster.

of course once again all of this is ya know circumstantial. im speaking to like my own experiences and the things ive observed. and its weird too! bc im also speaking as someone who like is trans and nonbinary and thinks of myself and my gender expression as inherently intertwined with monstrosity. and as someone who is autistic and thinks of myself as a changeling. and as someone who is a fat person who represents themself with a pig themed sona. if i talk abt cringeass hollywood blockbusters engaging in High Fantasy Racism i feel like to be fair i kinda have to talk about independent own-voices creators who write stories and make art about their own identities in the lovely language of monstrosity. theres not rly a way to draw a hard line around the former without the risk of catching some of the latter.

so umm as usual i dont rly have a snappy all encompassing answer for how i feel abt this kind of characterization. im simply too much of a Nuance Enjoyer. i do i guess think this is something that generally turns out better when it is someone making art about their own experiences, but also unless i believe minority artists are a monolith, which i dont, i need to accept that artists will inevitably make stuff that is beautiful and resonant to some people and totally repugnant and offensive to others, and that both of those responses can be like totally justified and correct. thats art babey!

anyway slight digression but i think any case where a character feels more like an allegory than a fully fleshed u know Character is gonna flop for me no matter how relatable it is. tbqh, id rather more ppl try and fail to make beautiful grotesque frightening sensually moving monsters out of their lived experiences and their empathetic connections with others than succeed at creating bland toothless universally approachable Good Rep tm. if u know u know. if u feel me u feel me. that is all.

[weirdo09]

I have that ship tag blocked so im blessed for not having to see that atrocity (im sorry your eyes did tho 😫) but a lot of them lowkey act weird af (like a racial fetish) about it and it makes me uncomfortable as a black person

Like they lokwey fetishizing and painting gwen as this...dainty perfect innocent white girl maiden who black boys obsess over and it's not just miles they do it with, it's hobie and they're even doing it with 42 miles too and making them fight over her like??? That's weird af...I don't want them anywhere near 42 miles at all, he don't like white ppl 😭 they want him to have a gwen too like noooooo he doesn't need one, give him someone BLACK. why do they need that white girl involved so badly. Like you said black/white couples are so overrepresented in media to where black couples are a rarity

I hate they even had to make her the love interest cause now you have this crazy entitled fanbase who will push for it and backlash at anything that goes against it

i had it blocked, it was on the gwen stacy tag 💀 YES THEY ACT SO FUCKIN WEIRD LIKE it makes me uncomfortable too as a black person as well because it’s just like y’all treat miles like he’s not a human 😡

YES THEY DO N ITS SO ANNOYIN, like that’s just disgusting. like i really feel like this fandom is just bullshit really because it’s just like WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THATS OK TO DO ?!?! miles is such a wonderful character n them mushin him into some sort of thing that’s he’s not. i was thinking of blocking the gwen stacy tag because they treat her like a fuckin victim when she wasn’t, that was miles.

OMG THEM NIGGAS DONT LIKE HER AT ALL!!!!! like hobie just let her stay at his place, that’s all. miles’ self explanatory and miles 42 would hate her, like despite her. GWEN IS NOT ALL THAT, SHES SO BASIC 💀💀💀 THEY WOULDNT FIGHT OVER HER, THEYD FIGHT OVER MARGO 😂😂 fr like miles 42 would HATE white people, he was the one raised on pro black ideals. NOBODY SHOULD HAVE GWEN, SHE NEEDA WORK ON HERSELF 🙄 BLACK BLACKITY BLACK, he needa black person please 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

omg, yes like i barely see black couples in the media anymore and it makes me wanna beat those white people in the studios. the white girl + black boy plot is soooo basic n stupid 😡

they shouldn’t have made her a love interest because of how they made her treat miles like he wasn’t important to her and it’s just like gwen doesn’t deserve such a great person that is miles after she repeatedly hurt him.. the entitled fans needa get their assses beat (the only people i would tolerate getting beat up)

[thefinalwitness]

i slept all day and im still severely hurty but i think. we're getting there. o|–< im including a readmore to catch up new ppl who are curious bc ive found being open about my chronic pain has helped inform others to their own so!!!! i like sharing

i've had a gradually worsening chronic illness since 2019-2020—it's hard to say for sure when it started, but my physically demanding job at a retail store slowly went from perfectly doable to 'i cant even survive a four hour shift without multiple episodes of hiding in the bathroom just to let some of the pain subside'.

i ultimately had to quit that job in early 2021, and at the time had a writing job that i thought, surely this will be okay! i was wrong. it was so hard to work as consistently as was needed of me. i spent so much time just writing and then sleeping so i might recover fast enough to do more writing. i was ALWAYS late on deadlines no matter how hard i tried.

eventually that job closed down in general, so naturally i lost it, but i know in my heart i would have had to quit within 6 months otherwise. that was late 2021. i've been unemployed since, with no disability because despite ongoing, regular visits with doctors, we dont know WHATS wrong with me, therefore i do not have a diagnosis, therefore i cannot qualify for disability in my area. yippee!

so that's the backstory! i started pain meds last fall and theyve helped A LOT. i can have fun sometimes! i went to pride this year for the first time since 2019!! there's definitely still something wrong, and lately i do believe it's still worsening (at a slower rate than before i was getting treatment at all), but i've gotten through a lot of the guilt for being 'an unemployed, unproductive human being' and have learned how to be kinder and patient with myself. it's not my fault i'm sick. it's not my fault 'my best' doesn't look like other people's. my family loves me not for what i can do for them, but because they just love me.

it's hard to feel your ability to Do Things slip away. how i cant go to amusement parks anymore bc the trip would wipe my ass out for weeks. how i cant even go to a barbecue next door some days bc everything just hurts too much. the simultaneous RESILIENCE you build, the tolerance for your own pain that makes you second-guess if it's even real. it took me so long to realize what i was feeling was NOT normal, that most people don't have to RATION their activities, their chores, their BASIC HUMAN MAINTENANCE to make sure you don't screw yourself over for tomorrow by being in too much pain to move.

today was bad. i had a really stressful day yesterday, and woke up in so much pain it was literally all i could do to sleep. couldn't eat, couldn't go to the bathroom, couldn't sit up, could BARELY speak. it was like my body was screaming at me, "we should be in a COMA right now, we should be UNCONSCIOUS, this is not something humans were designed to consciously endure." and that's WITH 6+ months medical pain management. it genuinely scares me imagining what this would've felt like today if i WASN'T on my meds.

i'm still very in the woods, but i'm trying to make the most of my situation! i'm open to questions if you want to learn more about this, as one of the biggest things that made me realize i needed help was OTHER PEOPLE being open about their chronic condition. it's not pretty, by any means, i've left out the grossest realities here, but i think it's important to share, in case i can do for someone what those people did for me.

thanks for reading!!!! i appreciate being heard on this too. it's scary, i still worry people will think i'm lazy or a crybaby, so it means a lot when people take the time to try and understand.

<3

[yourlocalsimpsonsandsanriofan]

Apology

Hey guys. I thoroughly apologize for how I acted the other day. I tend to have overreacted a little bit. So, I took the post down. Recent events have made me realize how stupid I was acting. That dosent mean that it can't hurt my feelings tho. I would just like to be respected, thats all. I dont expect anyone to help me. Not even a therapist probably. I'm just forced to live with it until I can change. Everyone is pissed off with me, and I understand. I tend to overreact over everything. And I wish I didn't. Because it causes people to hate me. I shouldn't have even mentioned it in the first place. Because now everyone is gonna be on my ass to not do that anymore. I'm under enough pressure and stress as it is. But that does not give me an excuse to act like that. Its my problem, not yours, not anybody's. I'm just sick of bottling everything up. I don't want to bother anyone or be a burden. But I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that I'm happy and that I'm enjoying life, cuz I'm not. But I am so afraid to say my feelings that I'll get hate. I really don't know what to do here. Honestly I just wish that didn't happen. I'll pretend it didn't exist. But thats what made me open my eyes and see how much a of a fool I was acting. I dont feel safe to open up my feelings anymore or do anything because I feel guilty. All I do is whine and complain and I wish I didn't do that. My father does the same thing. We both overreact and tend to be oblivious of what we are doing. I'm sorry to all the people I've hurt. I shouldn't be burdening anyone with my problems or anything. Just because I'm stressed dosent mean I gotta take it out on ppl. But I cant just bottle it up. Its one of those situations where you feel like you should say something, but if you do It will all backfire and blow up in your face. And then if you don't say something, you'll drive yourself insane. I just feel like everyone is mad at me and sick of me no matter what I do- and no I didn't write this whole thing for pity, because I don't want it. I dont need it. I dont deserve it for how I acted. I will take responsibility. I just wish I wasn't such a crybaby. I want to be the strong one but I can't, its impossible. I'm to stressed to be the strong one. I need help but I'm afraid to ask for it. Maybe this will all get better, I just gotta find a way to tolerate it and not drive myself crazy. Thank you for reading this, and yes, yet again, I'm really sorry. Please forgive me. :(

[bittwitchy]

i’m gonna be a thousand percent real w you guys for a min, its gonna be under a read more, and it revolves around fears and pains and scary medical things and g/ov3r/nm3nt bullshit and stuff which is uhhh destroying me mentally and physically ig ahahahhaa

so like as some ppl know, when i was leaving work late nov/early dec of 22, i fell and injured my ‘leg’, it was a few days before i turned 26 and i couldnt get a doc appt in time w a real doc, and ofc bc i was on the male parentals insurance and it was based out of texas despite US being in california, i got completely fucked over bc they didnt want ro cover shit and i had to argue with them til almost the very end of december or so just to see a nurse practitioner who didnt know wtf she was gonna do, and refused to listen to me when i said i was not going to have insurance in a week. i cannot afford any expansive anything right now and anything that i have to do needed to be done before the end of december. all she said was ‘i hope you get better then, but they will call you when they feel like it.’

its been over a year, im still not better, because i was not clocked in at the time, and was injured in the parking lot, hr already said they wont cover it. even if i was only at that location (not my home location) for them, i was not clocked in and therefore they hold no responsibility, and the parking lot had no cameras anyways. its all just word of mouth so. i got fucked there too. C/alo/ptima has been fujcing useless and wont even send me my new insurance card so i can get a new regular pcp who will refill even just my fucking inhaler because the guy they gave me refused to even refill that.

now, when ive gotten the leg scans, they cant find anything. they dont know whats wrong. ‘oh youre just fat, lose weight and you’ll be fine.’

breathing shots pain into my leg. and the pains been spreading. ive been getting a little bit of weird treatment at work despite dlat out ignoring and pushing through my pain to please people and that wasnt even enough because i still got some pretty weird ass treatment from some ppl in management despite the fact im not choosing this, and ignoring it makes everything worse.

and ive been trying to push through and ignore it and hope it heels, because the medical system isnt going to help me, neither is the company, and i live in california. i really just cant afford the medical system here anyways.

i think when i fell, it clipped a nerve into my spine, because for those unaware im that special brand of au/tistic who can tell you the exact point of origin of my pain. from tooth pain to headaches to even searing body aches, i can tell you where it starts and where it ends. but i also have a massive pain tolerance (ive had 8 root canals and local anesthesia doesnt work on me thanks to adhd, i can and have had 9 bottles injected in and nothing happened, so i just dont use it and ignore the horrendous fucking pain of your nerves being killed because i dont want to bother anyone. THAT is my pain tolerance level, and i cant tolerate this.)

the pain is spreading to both of my legs, and when i ignore it i end up toppling over. i used to be a hula dancer, professional as a kid, still for rec until i got hurt. i cant do it anymore. i can barely walk. when i force myself into events and shit that requires walking, it feels like my entire body is being crushed the next day, and during the actual day of doing but thats obvious.

i dont know how to take it anymore, nothing is helping, no one is helping me, and even people who try to help me its like the system is working for them despite refusing to work for me. i really well and truly dont know what to do about this anymore. the pain from my spine isnt only in that leg now, its in both legs and keeps creeping to my arms. im obviously not gonna get help from the company, and even talking to a lawyer its a fucking long shot that i could get anything done from them at all since the parking lot didnt have cameras. i already have eds, and this has been setting off the issues relating to it even more. i was meant to get tested for pots before i lost insurance back then, but new doctor doesnt believe women can experience pain at all, and are lying for attention if they admit to it.

breathing is fucking painful, and i dont know what to do. i can just keep doing what im doing and ignoring my pain and pushing through to please everyone because its not like the system helps, but the system is working for others and when i do what they recommend i do it not only still doesnt work for me, but i get threats from it. i dont know if its because im autistic or not, indont know why it works for others and not for me, i dont understand and when i try to get answers all people say is ‘just push through’ but im trying and its making everything worse and im breaking my body more and more by just pushing through and indont want to get kicked off of c/alo/ptima for bothering them too much by not getting answers despite my efforts because i did get threatened and incant afford $250-500 monthly fees from my state if i dont have insurance. $250 is more than i earn a week. jts not like im getting hours at work. and i really just am so fucking broken and tired and confused and done i dont know what to do and im tired of being in pain. i just want the pain to go away. i dont want to cry anymore. i dont want to be confused and scared and alone anymore. its like everythings collapsing down and i dont know what to do.

and to top it all off, the skin welts and lesions that my old doctor was so terrified of me having are back. theyre a symbolism of my white blood cell count, and last time i got them he had me get blood tests every few months because he was worried about my developing leukemia. and everytime it got too high he gave me something to try snd prevent it, and ultimately i was ‘almost there but narrowly escaped’, and i dont know how im supposed to just keep pushing and keep living and keep going it that happens too. especially when incant afford a blood test right now. i dont know what im doing or who i am anymore and its destroying every semblance of who i am that i had left, and i just want to make everyone happy but im not happy. im not happy snd im not getting help snd i feel so defeated and indont understand how other people can argue andnits fine but i do it and i get threatened or retaliated against.

indont understand how if i do whats recommended im misbehaving and being wrong but others can do what they want. its like im a kid again but instrad of being beaten im just getting fucked over medically even more snd my body gets to further destroy itself and i dont know whay the fuck left there is to do. its like everythings collapsing down on me, jm not getting the samw care or treatment others get, and i dont think im going to because i cant keep fighting a system thats going to only verbally threaten me because they wont respond to emails. i cant use recorded conversations in court here. im scared and im tired and im in constant pain and had to beg my old doctor to send an inhaler refill without my seeing him because the new one wouldnt and my lungs were giving out. i dont want to die but it feels like its heading rhat way whether i want to or not because nothing and nobody will help me and when they try they get mad at me for ‘not trying harder’ but im doijt everythint they say and more and its nothing. nothings coming crom it but my suffering. but if i say its not my fault its ‘making excuses’ and injust cant keep doing this anymore. im so tired, and im in so much pain, and indont know what to do.

[imsoglitter]

Hi kate! Idk if you’ll see this or answer but I wanted to send bc I’ve been following u for awhile and see u as sort of a big sibling/mentor that reminds me that it gets better and one day everything will be okay :’) do u have advice on how to move on? I’m femme and had my first ever kinda relationship w a butch and it was nice but they abandoned me on my bday celebration after blowing up on me saying that I was too high maintenance, materialistic, sparkly, and pink and my emotions were “too much to process” and “my presence was unhealthy” 6 months later they’re engaged to another femme who is more slow living and earthy. sucked a lot bc from day 1 they said I WASNT too much and that they would never leave. Idk I’m not sad I dont wish I was the soon wife but I’m convinced now that I’ll never find anyone bc all butches/mascs at the end of the day want that & I’ll be alone 4evr. I noticed all of my butch/femm couple friends are kinda same the same (earthy, natural, no glitz or glamour, etc). Feeling v high femme camp antics essay rn and having trouble coping. I tried changing my aesthetic and being minimalist but it put in deep depression so idk what to do. I’m unlikeable to all the ppl I’m attracted to but fitting in to be likable makes me want to kms. Any thoughts or ideas?? Hope this doesn’t come off as trauma dumping 😖

Hi anon! I don't know if I'm the right person to answer this bc I'm definitely a lazy femme who doesn't have the energy to be high femme, and the advice I'm going to give you is something you've probably heard a million times before.

If someone dislikes you enough to dump you on your birthday, you are better off without them. This goes for any other special occasion as well. The first time I got dumped, they very politely waited until I got back from a special trip I was on so it wouldn't be ruined, and I'm really glad for that. It made everything amicable and we're still penpals to this day. It sounds like your ex was bad at communicating the problems they were having in the relationship, given the blowup, and reacted pretty immaturely tbh. That's not the kind of person you want to spend your life with. (I'm also very wary of people who get married after less than a year of knowing each other, but that's a separate issue)

Honestly the best advice I can give you, and you're probably going to hate this, is take a break from looking for a sexual/romantic relationship. Focus on the other relationships in your life, whether they're with friends or family or even coworkers. And spend time with yourself. Definitely don't change everything about yourself to be with someone because you're going to have to live with yourself your whole life. The most important person to like you is going to be yourself. If you want to change think about expanding rather than dumping everything and picking something new.

And on the topic of finding someone who will love you the way you are, your best goal is to be patient, and to take action when you feel ready. Don't settle with someone who tolerates you or you'll end up like my parents (bad). And if you feel like there's potential, don't be afraid to make the first move. Pining is fun until it's not anymore so it's better to skip that part sometimes lol

Practical speaking here's my advice:

Delete your dating apps for a while

Get yourself a vibrator

Go to the movies by yourself

Pick up a new physical hobby like gardening or woodworking or cooking, something you can touch

If you hate your new hobby drop it and try something else

Try a new restaurant you've never been to before

Go for a walk/sit in a park weather permitting and birdwatch

And if you're seriously suicidal, take inventory of yourself and see if you can come up with a plan to avoid that headspace. Therapy and meds helped for me, but the main thing was moving out of a toxic environment. Plus I'm not stupid enough to pretend that therapy fixes everything all the time

I guess I'm saying you should date yourself, but trying to not make it sound super corny lol. I hope this helps and I hope you can figure out how to get out of your rut. I'm rooting for you!

[scarlethallow160]

if the next time i see this person and they start talking about “awuh we missed you at our breakfast meetup 🥺 i wish you could’ve been there” im setting both of us on fire

i dont Need to be invited to stuff all the time but last-minute pity invites (especially when its clear they didnt want you there to begin with) piss me tf OFF like if you really wanted me there you would’ve? included me to begin with? being fake makes me more upset than being “excluded”

if yall made plans thats fine! but its so weird for yall to have clearly spoken about this only with each other then like. last minute try shoehorning me in so you wouldn’t “look bad” (cuz im the reason they even know each other to begin with 🥴)

or when ppl do this and then act overly nice to me cuz they feel bad like YALL ARE FAKE AS HELL KNOCK IT OFF

why are “friends” acting like this when my bday is around the corner too i dont want to do shit for it anymore when ppl i considered good friends are making it clear its onesided and would drop me without a second thought 🫠

i thought i was past the “being the backup friend when they have no one else to talk to/hangout with” portion of my life but ig not

super cool when u dont tolerate other ppl talking shit about ur friends but then those same friends u defended talk shit about you/their other friends at the drop of the hat and. suffer no consequences

the universe is sending strong signals that i should become a hermit bc clearly there is. something wrong with me

[ddontyyoukknow]

i havent been able to sleep well fro a couple of days now and ive tred to hard. i ve tried so hard all my life i rally have. adn if i left i would just leave a brenda shaped void in the hearts of everyone who knew me. i wasnever anything but a shell. and i really woudl like to jump ship into a shape that maybe poeple would like more. that i would like more. this isnt wokrin gnothing is working and nothin ghas been working for a while now i have been just a shell of a peros nfor so long now and not bieng able to sleep is the nlast nail of this so called coffin. the distain and no regard from poeple i recive is too much. i cant. after such little sleep i have no ability to handle an even slightly rude comment and none of my life happnening even though ive been being so good ive been tyring ive been beieveing nothing nothing goes my way my cat neds to wake me up all the time and i need to be married to the most aloof person the person who said they woud take care of me has lef me on my own emotionally and i just have no emotional cnnectin to him. my dad the wound of my dad has resurfaced to have grown up wth such a cruel cruel man in my life to have been shown such little regard for my importance to this day from one person who at the sametime claims to love me is the least validating situation if i am to believe himad n fin dit in my heart to love myself it cant happen. i think only one or the other can exisit and i dont htink i can let him in for a long while. i know the conversatin with him means geli wont be able to come and visit anymore. the daca stuff is crumbling, i feel so hopeless and scaed to jump into the deep end i am scared and i dot know whi will be there to catch me if i fall how can anyone epect me to catch kkuslef. i have noone. i have noone to catch me. who do i truly have? noon eunderstnads me and how can that be something that im not suppost to want. how are there peopel with best freinds knwo who knwo everything about htme. how are there ppl with othe rppl who just get them. how come noone gets me and how come i need to be so so alone. howcome poeple think tey get me butt hey really dont.  howcome im doomed to be a failiure. how come its not clicking. howcome i wasnt born in to a built in enviornment where i alwasy felt cozy and like i belonged. how come every since i was born my whole world has alwasy been rejecting me. how come noone ever wanted me. noone has ever ever wanted me. i have never wanted me. i have tolerated me.i have tolerated the fact that i am no skinny enough not pretty enough not smart enough not ntohing ges right nothing ever goes righ notining i can do will ever breed  apostoive result i cant do it it wont happen it cant happen because i was never wanted to begin with ti ha been an eternal pattern for me i am to be shunned and seen as a nuisance. no once not one time have i been welcomed with open arms and accepte for all of who i relaly am. i have never been able to give that to myself. they never ask the right questions and never really know me. i never really feel safe ive never really felt safe. all of the world and all of nature is consipiring against me trying to reject me like a foreign object in the body of the world. i am never honored and whaat i wants does not matter and wil never some to be. i must ben a shell forever. just a vessle to hold all the hope adn dreams of someone who was brave ebough to wish and feel. to ee those arounf me have all ive ever wanted. is so confusing. everything in my life told me i should shut up. told me its better not to dream. i am the dream keeper. i holdeveryones dream and i hold them true. i am able to hold your dream in my heart and ache for it. especially my own.i will never stop believe and it will never stop hurting. as the realization  sets in that it will never happen. my dream will never come true and niether will yours. 

[saintcheryl]

I HAVE BEEN SENT BY COMMUNISTMISHACOLLINS FOR YOUR INFO TO ASSIST OUR RAGING AGAINST RICH WHITE MEN. FEEL FREE TO VENT AND I WILL CHEER YOU ON FROM OVER HERE

OH BOY. OKAY. yes i listened to the whole podcast

let me preface this by saying.....i want to like this guy so bad. within reason like i usually tune out his lukewarm liberal takes like, thats 2 b expected, but some things in this podcast PISSSSSSSSED ME OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

the biggest thing was just......jerking joe biden the FUCK off. just, minutes of talking about how great joe biden is. described as "someone we can trust" and he said biden is "someone with integrity" multiple times, and he and alyssa talked about how they feel like things r better now bc trump is out of office and like. that is the number one way to piss me off!!!!!! biden is not really that much better he goes back on all the shit he says and so many terrible awful disgusting problems from trump admin are still problems because....guess what.........it wasnt just bc of trump hes just the guy who made a lot of shit worse or brought it to the forefront of the Political Discourse but like! kids r still in cages and now every lib who defended biden is justifying it. et cetera. not to mention biden is A RAPIST????????

and the FUCKING THING that got me too. the FUCKING thing. was alyssa was talking about the metoo movement and her experiences with assault and how awful and traumatic it felt when it wasn't handled well. and then they go RIGHT INTO RIDING BIDEN'S DICK!!!!!!!!!!!! they go SO hard on it its honestly fucking hilarious how deeply and intensely and reverently they praise this man in this podcast. yes, let's discuss how assault is bad and terrible, now let's go praise the rapist. woo!

honestly id get it if like. misha (and other liberal activist celebs etc) just like.....tolerated biden. were like, ok sure we got this guy, he's not great but it's something, we will do what we can. i get that! but to place so much emphasis on how we can trust him and how he has integrity and how everything feels better now? NO!!!!!!! we can NEVER trust politicians because if we do they do more fuck shit and get away with it!!!!!!!!!! and the "wow everything feels better now that we have biden in office, i don't have to think about the president and all the bad shit all the time now haha!" maybe YOU don't have to think about it. but most people you claim to want to help do still have to think about it. most people you claim to want to help are still living with the same conditions and the president is doing nothing to help in any substantial way. nothing has changed for a lot of people! and now others are even more complicit bc they fall back on "oh trump's not in office anymore so things r better" NO!!!!!!!!!!

like. misha is still doing political work i'm not saying he isn't, but the way he's going about it while praising the administration feels........gross and bad? i am not an expert by any means but like. it feels bad that he's got this reputation of being a Paragon Of Wokeness and being a Big Leftist Activist when he's like......very centrist nationalist liberal "the government can be fixed" which is. not left lmfao. it doesn't mean much. and excessively praising biden and saying things about him that are just......clearly and provably incorrect? dmitri i have some Words for you

i often see ppl saying "well at least hes doing more than other celebrities" like yes! he is, indeed! like i said he's done some cool stuff, he's making some impact and that's good. i do NOT want to write that off whatsoever. but idk like.....with say, jackles, i dont expect shit from him. jackles could say a lukewarm lib take and id be like ah, of course, i am not bothered by this. but from misha it's disappointing bc he tries to be a political activist and is actively involved in things and my god do i want to like him. it's BECAUSE i like him that this stuff upsets me!!!!!!!! and it's because i like him that i think ppl gotta be conscious and constructively critical of ppl and what they say. if someones defending everything he says just bc he's Misha Collins thats not at all a healthy way of engaging w ppl in the public eye. im not saying bully him please god dont do that, i wouldnt even say this stuff To him bc i know it wouldnt do shit, but i like havin it out there so other ppl and fans of him can think about it and be aware of it. pobody's nerfect, sometimes ur fav is a democrat

i don't wanna discount the things misha does do, he does a lot of good shit! but like.........some things i cannot forgive or ignore and like. tldr this podcast left an awful taste in my mouth and it feels like at best he's incredibly out of touch with what struggling people in #ThisCountry actually need, and the way he talks about biden and american politics in general just feels very irresponsible and counterproductive

they talked about some other stuff too but thats mostly what i retained lmfao

[kriber]

ok well since im Thinking about it now lemme just make a huge ass masterpost of my tmavrai au bc im stupid lmao (also i wanna get into using this blog for more than art since this is my main)

buckle up cowboys this is gonna be lengthy

ok so to start off, it’s a kind of fusion au. some tma characters are replaced with hlvrai characters, and some just exist on their own. for example, elias is replaced with gman, but jon and gordon both coexist together

speaking of jon and gordon, they’re both eye avatars and co-archivists of the magnus archives. gman fucked up a little bit while filing shit but its fine, its fine. they’re both fit for the job.

tommy, darnold, and coomer work at the institute in various departments, along with tim, martin, and barney. tim and tommy have been best friends for years and live together as roommates, and darnold’s another one of their closest friends. coomer and martin just chill there, and barney likes to talk to gordon a lot. tommy brings sunkist over a lot, who everyone loves

since his dad is basically the head avatar of the eye, tommy asked him one time how to make a dog and gman, because that’s his little boy, told him how. now there’s an immortal entity soup dog that’s way too big to be normal. but that just means she has more love in her :)

jon and gordon kinda tolerate each other at first, being forced to record in the same area, but they tend to... tune into each other a lot. they sometimes read statements in unison, even if one of them isn’t looking at the statement. they take turns speaking in dialogue parts if need be, and they dont really notice it.

eventually prentiss attacks and gordon notices something... off about their coworker benrey. wait- wasn’t his name barney? no, he was probably remembering wrong. but something about benrey is just... weird. he cant put his finger on it, and jon has no input. 

so yea benrey is a not-them and a stranger entity, and they just kinda chill in the archives and check ppls passports at the door. its also pretty fun harrassing feetman, especially when they can just pop in and out of michael’s doors bc they’re friends with the spiral. unknowing goes well, as you can assume ;w;

after they find gertrude’s body in the tunnels, several cops get called in. basira and daisy come over, supplying jon with tapes, but daisy brings her old high school/college friend forzen, who’s in the military. and yea they’re both hunt avatars. it was simple and obvious don’t blame me. he hunts ppl down by having beyblade competitions then shooting them. standard stuff.

tommy had gotten claimed by the slaughter years back, but now its really starting to take effect. coomer, local end avatar, isn’t much help, as he doesn’t exactly view death as a problematic thing and even compliments tommy on his kills. during jon and gordon’s comas, forzen goes rogue (instead of burying himself like daisy) and tommy goes after him, trying to mercy kill any victims he has his sights set on. its a body count contest at that point

bubby takes the place of agnes montegue, but still alive and not as hostile to the main cast. obv bc coomer’s there and i love me some gay grampas. yea bubby’s kinda forsaking his desolation cult thing but he’s fine. he just goes and chills at the archives a lot to get with coomer

after the unknowing, things go to shit. martin and benrey close themselves off, both allying themselves with peter lukas, to defend the institute and its workers. tommy and darnold are heartbroken after tim’s death, and tommy, unable to deal with living alone without tim or living in his dad’s house (who’s in prison now), moves in with darnold. its angst central babeyyy

darnold, basira, alyx, georgie, and melanie start a group chat called “babysitting the avatars squad” since they’re the only humans left allied to the institute or its workers. they vent about shit their avatars do bc good lord they can do some weird shit sometimes. oh also alyx and georgie are cousins here bc i feel like its funny that both gordon’s and jon’s childhood friends are related and no one knew dfgshgfgsfghgfrsbfsxg

for the last thing im gonna cover bc im tired and i dont want to type anymore is that joshua definitely exists and oh boy it gets fun in the apocalypse. he runs around and plays around with all the domains with tommy and benrey and the other three are way too tired to deal with this. he just wants to give daddy a flower! ignore the eyeball, it’s just a normal flower! how... sweet.

[littlebabycrybtch]

internet pleading session number 2 billion;;; for the love of god stop allowing ableism. stop leaving disability and mental illness allyship out of your activism. im dealing with this shit EVERY SINGLE day and so much of it is just inexcusable laziness and selfishness on the part of ignorant self proclaimed activists like. holy shit it is getting so. Unbearably fucking bad. i dont understand how ppl in modern day are letting it get this bad. its never been Good obviously but its like,,, we were being included in activism topics for a while and gaining a lot of traction with everybody else when all of a sudden smth happened (cringe culture) ((aka the normalization of validating whiny unnecessary judgments)) and we got totally left behind and ppl even turned on us. wtf like?? whats wrong with us when was there a meeting where yall unanimously decided we’re being kicked out of the ‘caring abt this groups Oppression’ board like. a lot of yall CONTRIBUTE TO IT? what right do you feel you have to act this way to us?????? holy shit stop abandoning us please im begging this shit is too hard to deal with like stop idk what on gods green fucking earth we are actually doing to you to make yall turn on us like htis and leave us and our oppression at Your Hands completely out of your mind but im tired of the utter disrespect and disregard for what i deal with. i fucking hate it here like jkshdfjksdf yall its hell enough to just Be autistic and/or psychotic .... its almost unfathomably cruel to just. be SO hateful abt that and not give a shit. idc if its weird or makes you uncomfortable bitch ur grown get over it!! im the one dealing with it firsthand!!!! ive had too many crying meltdowns asking why i was ‘made like this’, wondering what kind of punishment im going through to be put somewhere i literally am not meant to be, where every part of how i work is different than most other people, where im told to exist where nothing exists for me and no one will care, just to have everybody talking about ‘progress’ while they let ableism run literally RAMPANT with people saying the r word and making memes out of our severe psychological distress and trauma. 

idc what anybody says about that stupid ass faux offense ‘you cant compare oppressions’ topic anymore bc tbh i NEED YOU , im begging bc i NEED YOU TO HELP ME AND SUPPORT ME for gods sake, and i dont really KNOW how to DO that anymore so like. yes im ‘comparing’ ableism to other shit yall care about, and asking outright why you Presume you get to think we’re different. why our history of forced lifelong imprisonment in asylums, our eugenics and experimentation, our still modern day medical abuse, parental abuse, and social abuse, is Different and Does Not Have To Matter Just Bc You Dont Want It To. if you can call people out for saying other slurs you can call out the r slur! you literally are showing you have the capabilities to do this, but just dont care abt us specifically!! that's FUCKED and you should know it!! if you openly fight back against disrespect towards the minorities you respect, but laugh at or even are part of the people mocking the cringe nd people, you are a self serving piece of shit!! we deserve respect. we deserve basic human respect no matter what, and we deserve more considering how much blood yall allistics and non psychotics have on your hands. i mean for gods sake how is that ignored, how does our shit mean absolutely Nothing to you!!! its one thing to have to deal with it, to be blatantly shown OVER and OVER again how LITTLE people can care, how they cant even BRING themselves to TOLERATE caring... thats whats so damaging. thats the real shit that makes me wish i wasnt me or wasnt here, bc god... i KNOW i cant even SAY smth like that, like ‘i wanna die’ without someone out there reading fighting back a giggle. without expecting an insult. cuz im an embarassing fucking r*tard whos display of feelings is just fucking weird and uncomfortable for people. im a stupid weird ass different ass bitch and no one feels they should have to care abt anything im going through bc im not easy to vibe with. and especially when my pleas for respect are like This, long and ranty and ~irrational~. bro. i try. how. the fuck am i supposed to Stay rational. im being Tormented day in and day out, and left to my own devices by ppl i thought would stay by my side. i feel like im losing my mind dealing with this alone......... so my question is, to all the ppl who call themselves a decent person. where are you hiding from this topic. where on earth ARE you guys lmao fuck

[wri0thesley]

im not really “in the fandom” (i dont even have a tumblr acct anymore i just lurk on writing blogs dfjjfjgh) so idk how meaningful this is wrt you feeling like youre not wanted but ur jojo writing and hcs are some of the best ive come across imo i check ur blog every day to see if youve posted any new stuff

ahh thank u so much anon!!! idk i guess i’m just in a weird place i guess. it’s hard bc i feel like my worth in a fandom is like intrinsically linked to How Much Content I Produce and bc i’ve slowed down i’m not as welcome which makes me worry ppl just tolerate me on the chance i’m gonna Write Stuff. i dont know my brain is very weird!!!! 

but thank u anon, i love u and i am glad that u enjoy my content!!! ;_;