#like i thought i would die an unhappy girl but finally..... finally im trying to live like a real person

[astarionsass]

after 17 years i have finally taken my first testosterone injection lmaooo

[weebsinstash]

Tbh I have never seen a villainess manga/manhwa where the FL is like Oh youre cheating on me??? Well let me have a good time and get a lover as well, because if you get to have one I do too. Like all those humiliating situations FLs go through with their husband and mistress would be a lot more even if they had their own lover. Like oh you wanna flaunt your mistress to everyone and dance with her at social events? Well here is my lover/mistress right by my side and Imma dance with them and not mind you. The husband is saying the FL is cold and arrogant and cannot show love? Well here is once again her own lover/mistress to prove you wrong because guess what someone was fucking your wife last night and it wasnt you

Honestly there are probably some that exist! From what I've seen, the manhwa community is similar to the manga community in that it follows trends and many things can be published or produced at once, so maybe it's a matter of trying to shift through all the bulk?

I think the thing that's infuriating is most of these dudes are such fucking chumps that they would get jealous, but their reaction would probably be to tell their FL "oh, you're clearly doing this just for my attention, how childish of you" and it's like fine call me bozo the clown because I'm about to get a wacky creampie from your brother/rival

Honestly I wish the story existed where it's like "you know what crown prince? Not only am I leaving you, im leaving you for your father the emperor. I'm your mom now boy, go to your room"

I have been reading so many Villainess/Revenge manhwa and I honestly can't recall any like you're saying. The closest thing I can think of is a scene from "I Want To Become The Emperor So I Need A Divorce" where the husband's lover's uncle who runs a theater company is hosting a play meant to mock the FL, and when her shit husband asks what she thought of the play, and she lied and said it was nice and then he goads her further to start reciting her favorite line, she calls his fucking bluff and walks up to the actor that had played her husband and starts reciting exact lines, but in such a way it seems like she is genuinely flirting with the actor, and she even puts a royal gemstone on his finger to symbolically say "you're as good as the duke" and he gets so fucking mad he basically had the entire theater company ruined

I just want to watch garbage men be ruined, like I am actively seeking out stories where women leave their shit partners and enjoy watching them mald and seethe while living a better life with their new partner. I can't wait for the final season of Remarried Empress, and Father I Dont Want This Marriage, and kt isn't a romance but I think I will DIE if I never see the ending of Actually I Was The Real One because that fucking bitch tried to steal her family! And I also found an extremely similar manywa that's brand new called The Saintess Returns as a Villain and maybe that will be good but it is still too early to tell.

And you know what, I know a good revenge manhwa but it's more revenge in the form of "you neglected me and made me feel like shit so im running away and cutting you out of my life and even when I need support you aren't good enough" and that would be The Time Of The Terminally Ill Extra. It hasn't updated it forever so im afraid it might be dropped but it's about a girl who has been shoved to the side for the sake of her sickly younger sister who she has had to compromise everything for, even entering school late to take care of her, giving her her toys, being trained to never disobey or show she's unhappy because even when she cries she's told "how dare you cry when your sister is in pain?". Well, it turns out the FL is terminally ill, even sicker than her sister, amd she decides to run away and never even tell her family, who initially don't even care she's missing and then proceed to not believe it when they are told their daughter is fatally sick. I might actually start reading the novel because the story has me so invested. The FL has an uncurable illness called Artist's Disease where she can bring to life anything she draws but at the cost of her own life, but her family neglected her so fucking much they never even knew she liked to draw or noticed how extremely gifted she was, which, the extreme talent is a symptom of Artist's Disease because their abilities are "blessings", and if her family had noticed and gotten her diagnosed earlier she wouldn't be dying. But even as it's killing her, she refuses to stop drawing because it's her passion and joy. She grew up so lonely that as a child she would draw fairies and other people to talk to her and be her friends and her art is extremely personal to her that she would literally die than give it up. I really hope this manhwa finishes like I have heard spoilers about because it sounds like everything turns out alright in the end, but not before massive heartbreak 🥺

[anxiously-articulated-art]

My Letter To You That You’ll Never Get:

I’m gonna fucking miss you. Not only because I love you with everything in me but because you were also my best fucking friend. The one person I wanted to call at the end of the day. The one I wanted to share everything with. This is what I feared most. Losing you all together. We travelled the world together. We raised a beautiful fur baby together. We were figuring life out and doing really good. Or so I thought. And one day it all just stopped. The love. The laughs. The romancing. Instead it was replaced with anger, resentment and ridicule. One day I no longer saw love in your eyes. I saw resentment. Annoyance. And my heart shattered. I know you said you never cared about me. But I don’t believe that. The moments we shared. The passion. The tears. The hugs. And it fucking feels like fire that you deny all of it. That you killed off your feelings for me. 

I know I go against everything that you’ve always known. Financial security, vanity... I’m a goofy looking dude. And I don’t have the security you want. But you knew this from the beginning when you were my best friend. You knew I was transitioning to be a man and the hardships I suffered prior. The history with my exs and family. My deep rooted trauma. How do you get into a relationship with me knowing all of that? And at the end of the day its the very same reason you left me. You talked about marrying me. You were sending ring ideas to my sister, connecting with my grandma and my nieces and nephews. Telling my grandma that you want me to put a ring on it. AND your family. Taking me costa rica with your family for the holidays, look into moving out of state with me, talking about getting your eggs frozen for surrogacy and DECIDING ON A LITTLE GIRLS NAME WITH ME (ROWAN- Ill never fucking forget), just to fucking leave me when I catch you stepping out line on our relationship. 

Like do you resent me because I was more of a hoe than you during my time being single? are you mad at me that I didn’t stop us from dating or moving in together? Because you wanted time to hoe around? Or are you really that shallow and transphobic that you cant date a transgender that you practically planned an entire life with and raised a fur baby with and DECIDED ON A FUTURE CHILDS NAME WITH. O FUCKING K. Doesn’t make fucking sense to me.

But I also realize that with the stress of trying to fit in the life you wanted me living, I was self destructing and it was contributing to the end of our relationship. I was so unhappy being that sales man you wanted me to be so I could provide financial security. I was upset that I no longer had lacrosse. I wanted to find a different path in life. And every time I tried to travel that road we would just butt heads all the time. I became angry that all you cared about was our image, I  had no idea what I was walking into in terms of financial upkeep regarding our relationship. And little did you know I sold most of my prized possessions and committed horrible crimes to attempt to finance our lifestyle. I was drowning. And I became angry and stopped loving you in your love language. I stopped listening to your soul because mine was ravaged and chaotic. I stopped loving you tenderly. I stopped making you feel like my world. And I was wrong in that. And you know I will always own up to my shit. In fact I expect you to call me out on it, it was foundation to our friendship. It’s why I fell in love with you. Calling me out for treating a homeless man poorly. And the time I talked to rudely to the natural grocers employee. It’s the reason I loved you. You always pushed me to be a better man. Then one day it stopped. And you starting just making different choices. You were fighting people when the girl I met would have handled it like an adult with a conversation. I don’t know what happened. 

I know you suffer from crippling mental health issues. But those were never the problem in our relationship. I would have never loved you any less. And I would have done what ever was necessary to make sure you were okay. You made me promise after therapy together that if you got worse that I would take care of you. AND IM SO MAD I CANT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU DECIDED THAT I WAS DISPOSABLE.

I’m angry because you disregarded everything about our relationship. and that shit felt REAL to me. Even to this day I still love you with the same passion and intensity as the day I first met you. I’m angry that I was so easy for you to drop. That my family was so easy for you to disregard. That our little family was so easy for you to throw away. I’m angry because all I wanted was a conversation. Honesty. Transparency. Everything we always promised to each other since DAY 1 of our friendship. I’m angry because I gave you so many outs. I offered you so many other options and solutions. But you chose to stay committed to me and make me believe we were really doing this life thing together. Only for it to literally fall apart within hours. 

Like I watched you almost die. You almost died on me trying to lose weight because of the pressure you feel from your family and the society you grew up in. My heart was broken. You will never know how many times I cried in the shower after that day. You will never know how many times on my drives to work early in the morning I prayed to god he would help me keep you safe. And I still pray to him that he keeps you and lincoln safe. I pray every single damn day.

And I think of you both. Every day. Every morning. Every night. Almost every fucking moment of the fucking day. And its nauseating. Doctors basically gave me horse tranqs so I could function without losing my shit. And I’m doing all of this to prevent myself from relapsing. I told you if we ended that I’d probably never move on and dive back into drugs and die in a ditch somewhere ODed or something. Well I’m doing the exact opposite. I’m getting in shape. Getting rid of my debt. Finding a good paying gig that I am actually happy with. Getting involved in the community and staying sober. I’m taking care of myself because you once told me “ I can’t bury another love ya know?”, you wanted me to take care of my body to prolong my inevitable demise. And you even promised me you’d be there in the end pushing my wheelchair. 

And because you told me that you were mad at me once for not giving you your “chance” with k****. And you asked me “well what if I was happy with her”... because your lesbian label means everything to you. And I knew this time I just had to let go. And cut my losses. Lincoln. My collection of books. My art. My family. You. Like there was no reasoning with you. You just hated me and wanted to spit hate at me any chance you could and I truly didn’t understand why you hated me so much. I was the one who got cheated on. More than once. And forgave you. Were you mad just because you got caught? How long would have kept that up if I hadn’t know? How long were you going to toy with me? Did you actually mean your final words you said to me? Is this how you wanted it to end? 

And like, I’m not even mad at you. I just want to understand. Because I meant what I said, I love you so much I’ll do anything to make you happy. And I truly want you to be the happiest ever in life. And I understand why you do the certain things that you do. I saw first hand the trauma you experienced your whole life. And I am so sorry. I didn’t know how to help. I didn’t know how to handle things. Maybe I was too emotionally inept to truly understand your world and I can’t apologize enough for that. I’m sorry my transition affected us as much as it did. Not a single day goes by that I wish it hadn’t. I’m sorry I didn’t treat you the best towards the end. I recognize that. And I wish I could have corrected my behavior sooner. I wish I handled things differently. I wish at the end I would have reminded you more about how much I love you and I want the best for you rather than radio silence. Because then maybe we could have closure.

But I’ll never know. Because I will never be the one to reach out to you. And I doubt you’ll ever try to contact me. 

Just know I will fucking miss you. And lincoln. Give her my love. And I wish you the best. 

I will always love you. I’m sorry.

Your root. 

Logan

[room3voluntary]

In meds we trust

I was in the toilet when I heard a polite knock at my door. 'Are you in Maddie? A man’s voice floated through the door. I was only in there looking at my face. Well, the chemical caused acne breakout that used to be my face. Urgh. I opened the door. 'I just have some paperwork to fill in if that's ok?' I realised he might be a junior doctor and he was as polite and his knock. I grabbed them from his hand and it was the usual. 2 pieces of paper, each with situation statements which I had to confirm with a circle. Never, rarely, some days, several days, always. Question 3 really got me. 'Do you talk to yourself while you're alone? What type of question is that ?'I asked aloud. He asked why and I said how do you know. 'How do you know if you talk to yourself while you're alone? That's like asking if a tree falls in the wood when no one is around does anyone hear?' He started laughing. 'I see your point' he said 'I know that I talk to myself' me too. I circled 'several days'. I think everyone does. He thanked me and collected the papers. He informed me I have formulation meeting tomorrow. A formulation meeting is where everyone gets together and discusses what to do with you. It sounds so clinical. How do you  solve a problem like Maddie? I've been a puzzle quite a few times. 

 I was sat at my desk when a seriously lady walked in, carrying a briefcase and a warm smile she perched on the end of my bed. 'My name is Dr Khatri'.

 First things first we discussed the events which led me here but after a while she clocked my note pad. She asked me what I was writing so I explained. It was partly this, partly my book and partly serious subjects. 'I wish I was as creative as you' she said. We then continued trawling through my history and uttered the words I knew were coming but still filled me with dread. 'I think you will benefit from an antipsychotic'

 In 2008, after the first serious admission i had, I left hospital at went back to college. I had my second psychotic breakdown 6 months into my first year at art college. It was now September and my first day back. i was so nervous but everyone was so nice, within a few hours i got my confidence back, i was ready to begin. I stared at the canvas in front of me and nothing happened. Creativity used to flow out of my hands. My mother was told I was gifted. I never saw a blank canvas I saw one hundred visual stories to be told. I picked up the charcoal to trigger some sort of idea but nothing happened. Then it hit me, I was normal. I was functioning but i'd sacrificed my creativity for it. Id sacrificed part of myself. 

 When you're young you're told to believe in you're dreams. You can achieve anything you want but as you get older you realise this isn't true and it takes hard work and sacrifices. My goal was to be normal and for that i realised I'd sacrificed part of my soul. Through the following year, I noticed not only had I sacrificed my soul, also my identity and it was down to a little blue pill called aripiprazole. aripiprazole was an antipsychotic and two years later when I had a trial coming off it, I came back. My soul re-entered my body, whatever what repressing me left and I got my sparkle again. I didn't want to be locked away again.

 'It's an antipsychotic called olanzapine' she said covering an awkward silence in which I realised I hadn't replied. 'I understand you have tried aripiprazole and quetiapine in the past yes?' I had but they were both the same, they stole who I was but quetiapine had made me physically ill as well. bad allergic reaction.

'What are the side effects?' I asked when I finally got out of my thoughts. 'There can be weight gain as a side effect' i knew this. Not only that I knew olanzapine was the worst one for it. I felt sick. I am Maddie and I am skinny. That's part of me. Throughout my life I've had patches where I've been a bit funny about my weight and for this reason I felt like I'd been given a death sentence. Logic once more dictates that this was ridiculous, but me and logic aren't always friends. I'm crazy and ill but at least I'm skinny and exciting. I'm not pretty enough to be fat. Medication weight is entirely different to normal weight. It's all on the stomach. You see it, a big round pouch. It's all on the stomach and flat in the eyes. I got one before, not big but it was there. People can be beautiful at any weight, size and shape but it made me so worried. My choice was be mad or be unhappy with how I look. I don't know what's worse. I know I was being dramatic, I know I was being shallow and vain but maybe It's what I deserved. 'Okay' I said. I wasn't really thinking. I'd already conceded to defeat to continue to participate in the decision. She asked if I had any more questions and smiled as she left. I smiled too.

 I am not anti-medication. I am pro-medication. I'm already on some. There are so many people, mainly who suffer with depression I've found, who point blank refuse any meds. I understand, they worry for the same reason as me but no matter how good your diet is, no matter how many miles your run, sometimes you're serotonin will not play the game. There is no denying these factors help but sometimes you need a crutch, a little helping hand to get you through the day but prejudice and fear seem stronger than logic. 'You don't need pills, why would you want to put all those chemicals in your body?' Preaches the person who nearly blacks out on tequila every weekend before inhaling a gram of cocaine through to Sunday morning. 'You just need a distraction' says the person who’s never even had a cold in their life, never mind any other health problems.

 It's a chemical imbalance: would you tell someone with diabetes it's a state of mind? And the same as diabetes, yes a diet can help, but you're not going to stop that imbalance by stopping their insulin. Ignorance causes suffering.

 The reason for my reservations was my complicated past with this type of drug. After a short time of contemplating in silence I started to cry. I felt heartbroken. Everything I had tried, the struggle and determination I had fought to stay off them, I was back to where I was a few years ago. I had failed. My heart sank into my chest not only through disappointment but the knowledge she was probably right.  I was being selfish too, my behaviour was also effecting the people around me, i had to be fixed. It was the most logical answer. I also knew that medication effects individuals in different ways but even that didn't help me. What could I do? I needed to formulate a plan of my own. Ferociously scribbled into my notebook cause and effect, feelings and frenzied suggestions but i knew deep down i was wrong.

 I went to find a nurse. I wasn't good at this whole 'talking to someone' business, I can do it in my own, but I needed to say my thoughts out loud.

 The ward has been busy. It was living up to a stereotype I tried to ignore. Sharon, the walker, was no longer wandering the hallways but yelping incoherently to herself in her room. Earlier a new girl was brought in by a flock of people who promptly tried to escape and hit her dad. I watched as she screamed and wet her self. I watched her violently thrashing as she was rugby tackled like a SWAT team by the staff and sedated. As we all shuffled off to our rooms as instructed by staff, I saw her legs were all bruised and bleeding. I saw her eyes too, she wasn't there. 

 I finally found a nurse to speak to. No, talk at. Through mascara stained rambling I explained. She said nothing. Finally she said 'don't worry about the weight gain, it doesn't happen to everyone'. What a pile of shit. Yes it does, it's the one that does it that most, im not an idiot. 'Tea is ready if you want some?' She said changing the subject and leaving. I didn't want some. I wasn't hungry. Probably because I knew soon that's all i'd be. Hungry and lost. 

 As the evening drifted on, it nearly time. I made my way to the treatment room like a prisoner on the way to the executioners block. I had to get rid of this negativity. i had to try. I slouched on the chair outside the treatment room, waiting for my name to be shouted. A few of the older and worse patients were watching TV. I looked at their facing staring blankly at the set. How do they do it? All of them are on antipsychotics and they just get on with it. That's all some of them do though, just stare at the TV in their pyjamas. I can't work out if they know what's going on or braver than me, stronger than me? Probably both, more so the latter.

 I heard my name and got my meds. I saw a new little pink one, poking out of the crowd of pills in the paper cup. 'This is a new one for me. I'm excited for the sleep but not the weight gain!' I joked. She just smiled and shrugged her shoulders. I took a deep breath and knock it back. Then nothing. I don't know what I expected. The whole world to change? To die? Everything was exactly the same. An hour passed and still nothing happened. I was just sat watching TV and very much still myself. 

 I got up to go to the kitchen and that's when I noticed the change. Fuzzy. Everything was fuzzy. From the floor tiles to door frames everything was like a slow slide show, doubled and swayed. I felt like static, my brain full of white noise. I stumbled into the kitchen but it was too bright so I abandoned my cup and made my way to my room. I felt as though i was walking through water. A 5 second journey turned into a 5 mile march of white corridor. I have spent more time in a drug fuelled trip wandering round hospital corridors than I have house parties this year. 

 I finally made it into bed and turned out the lights. Everything was better now. The white noise was quieter. Calm. The world has righted itself. The last thing I remember before falling asleep was my legs feeling hot against the bed sheet.

 *****

 I've just woke up. I can't get up

  It was two hours later and I was still struggling to move. Every twitch of my leg and flex of my arm made me feel sick. I needed the toilet, I had to move. My mouth was sandpaper dry, I needed some water, I had to move. I eventually pulled myself up and felt better I thought- until I stood up. It felt like my heart was going to explode through my chest. All my extremities tingled. I edged my way to the toilet using the wall as a frame and finally reached the bowl. That was the best piss I ever had. I looked over the mirror. I looked awful. Every time I closed my eyes I could see the veins pulsing across my eyelids and in my reflection that is what I saw. Blood shot eyes, the negative of what I saw in the blink, like a fingerprint. I got up and shuffled to the door.

 The hallway was white. Too white. My heart felt like it was beating into my legs, each step a slow and heavy thump. The pressure in my chest was radiating down from my head which was locked in an invisible vice. The heaviness of my head led the way as I went to find help. 'I don't feel very well' I said when I finally reached the dining room hatch. One of the nurses took my arm 'oh dear' she said 'Coincidence has it, a doctor is here, I'll get him to take a look at you, don't worry'. I lent in her shoulder and she grabbed me gently by the arm and steadily walked me to the treatment room. 

 wilted on the bed, I blinked and there stood a figure leaning over me, face shrouded by the strip light behind, turning his features into a silhouette which was crowned by a halo. My eyes adjusted to the lights and distortion melted away. The silhouette was now replaced with a dark haired doctor. He looked early 30s. Quite cute actually. First attractive person I'd seen in ages and i was in this state. The nurse from before leaned over and pulled my top up. I then also realised I had my tits out. Great. Faces of Meth, faces of Maddie, there was very little distinction. 'Hold up your arms, put then together onto your chest and lift them up like chicken wings' he said. What. He must have seen my expression of disbelief and confusion as he showed me how. 'I'm not going to press on your elbows and you have to try and keep them up, okay?' He was very authoritative yet polite. I liked it. From there proceeded a number of resistance tests, pulling and pressing on various limbs. After a while he pulled out his stethoscope and listened to my chest before checking my blood pressure. Everything was a little bit high. 'You are experiencing some very strong side effects but you are okay but we'll mention this to the consultant. Try and get some rest' Rest. That is all anyway says but it doesn't seem to be working. The nurse helped me back up and I hauled myself back to bed.

 'Maddie can i come in?' The staff nurse shouted the door. 'You have your formulation meeting at 1 o'clock is that okay?' It was 12:30. Oh god, I had so much to say, so much to explain, so much persuading to do and I couldn't in this state. I was struggling slur through a sentence. mind fuzzy. I started to panic, the kick of adrenaline woke me up and I pulled on some clothes and lumbered to meeting room. It was time to formulate my formulation, see where my path was headed next, and I was not prepared.

 When I walked in I was greeted by four ladies all sat in perfect symmetry, two on each side. There was my mum, a staff nurse, the psychiatrist and a lady I didn't know. I looked at my mother who couldn't hide her concern at the state I'd walked in. 'I don't want to take olanzapine again, please don't make me' I pleaded before anyone could even begin. 'It is your body and I can see you are not well' I looked at Dr Khatri 'They have had an unusually adverse effect on you. In the pasts you have tried aripriprazole and quetiapine and there were not successful either. I don't think this medication is for you. I see no benefit to continuing'  she smiled at me. 'Thank you' I replied. Thank you didn't even cut it, thank you for the bottom of my heart. A wave of relief washed over me. I said previously they are not good for me but no one had really listened. I have the symptoms, they fix the symptoms but they don't suit me. Antipsychotics are anti-Maddie. 'We have decided to the observe and see how you go' she continued 'we will wait for the increase in lamotrogine to take effect and if you manage to have two nights full rest, you can go on weekend leave and if that is successful we can discuss discharge' even better! This was the plan. This is want I wanted. I struggled to hold back tears as I thanked her. The lady was finally introduced to me. She was my work liaison officer. The thing is, and the thing you may not believe is, I am full time employed. Up until a while ago I was just like you. A Starbucks drinking, Tesco raiding, selfie taking, endless consumer. I was the one who accidentally walked into you in a heaving pool of people in primark. I am the person who sat opposite you on the train. A 'mutual friend',  a 'someone you might know'.

 Mental illness believes in equality. It doesn't judge or have prejudice. It will simply strike any of us at any moment. A monster lurking in the dark.

 For a while I’d felt like my life had been stagnant and now it was the most static and stagnant it’s ever been. I needed to get out.

 For the rest of the meeting I stayed slumped in my chair, the drugs still flowing through my veins. I watched them speak, their mouths moved but blurred sounds came out from far away. Dr Khatri hand grabbed mine and shook it, our faces smiling simultaneously. The plan was complete. The formulation; I just had to sleep. Not that hard right?

 *****

 I’m trying to sleep but It’s raining. It’s raining so hard. I overheard something about a storm earlier, about the sky turning yellow? I don’t know. It’s not just me that’s gone crazy recently, it’s the whole world. I couldn’t sleep though it like the slow motion crush of a car bonnet crumpling into a wall in a crash test simulation, dummy falling and bending inside.

 Suddenly silence. I flipped open the curtain next to me, only blackness peered back in. No rain.

 From behind me I heard the pitter patter of quick footsteps down the corridor and quickly flung myself into bed and pretended to be asleep. A few seconds later I heard the shutter fold up, the flash of a light and felt the eyes of a nurse observe me for a moment before moving on. I heard the shutter slap down I rolled over. Try again.

 I lay in the darkness, it buzzing around me like bees trying to shut down. Even if I don’t sleep even if they just think I have slept I can leave. I wasn’t going to move but then I heard the tapping. It was coming from outside of my window. Tap, tap, tap. I got up and went to the bathroom and slid under the sink, curling into a ball. Tap, tap, tap. I closed my eyes and breathed.

 I wont tell them about this

[spacednp]

When You Wish Upon a Star

WATTPAD AO3

TW: NONE I DONT THINK besides swearing but that's legit all my fan fiction lmao wait I think I mentioned condoms once but again legit all my fanfics at this point

SUMMARY: PARENT PHAN TAKES CHILDREN TO DISNEY WORLD IM SO EXCITED TO WRITE THIS WTF

ADDITIONAL NOTES: p a r e n t p h a n i s m y k I N K

I DIDNT MAKE THE KIDS CALL PHIL DADDY BC THATS DANS JOB K? K

no but really Phil being daddy is too real

this legit is my favorite thing I've ever written asdfghjkl

WC: 3.7k

"Winne I swear to fucking Jesus if you don't stop moving for three seconds so I can put on your fucking socks I will fucking bash your head in you little shit," Dan hissed at the wiggling toddler in his lap. He loved his little girl, but she was also a brat, and that wasn't a good thing for the easily frustrated 30 something.

"Daniel! Watch your language in front of the children!" Phil chided his husband, covering their older child, Dillon's, ears.

"Papa, I'm seven and a half whole years old!" Dillon protested. "I already know all the naughty words!" Phil gasped at this and sent a glare at Dan that went unnoticed as Dan was preoccupied with the annoying little bundle of joy crying about not wanting the socks on.

"I'm no wanna!" Winnie cried, flailing her arms about. As Winnie was still learning how to speak, she had a few quirks and speech impediments. One of those was "I'm". The young child never used "I", it was always "I'm". When loud footsteps filled the house as Winnie ran about, she would scream, "I'm run!", which neither Dan nor Phil had the heart to correct her on. Winnie was their only baby. They adopted Dillon when he was 5, so they missed out on all the baby years, which they didn't want to miss again, so Winnie was born from a surrogate. Now Dan and Phil loved Winnie a hellova lot, but she was a fussy little brat.

"Goddamn it Winnie!" Dan spat as he grabbed onto the child's foot in a vain attempt to still it enough to get her foot in the sock. Dan let out a frustrated groan as he shoved Winnie's foot into the pale colored sock. "Philllll," Dan whined as Winnie kicked her sock off and caused it to fly across the room. Phil smiled slightly as he crossed the room to pick Winnie up off of Dan's lap, setting her on his hip and looking down lovingly as his very frustrated husband who was leaning back into the couch, almost melting into it. Dan smiled up at Phil and blew a curly hair out of his pink face.

"Thank you, babe," Dan said as he stood up and whipped off his sweaty palms on his dirty black jeans (they were clean, and then they found out that Winnie did NOT like peaches).

"You're welcome, Bear. Go help Dil get packed and ready," Phil said as he plopped down on the couch Dan had left unoccupied, laying Winnie down next to him. "Looks like its a sandal type of day, huh Winnie?" He asked his daughter, causing the two year old to giggle, sharp blue eyes full of happiness. God, he was going to die when she got old enough to date, he just might have to buy a gun.

Phil somehow managed to get the squirmy toddler into some white sandals with little pastel flowers decorating them that Dan said were "too fucking adorable". The family was rushing about trying to get ready as it was the day of their first trip as a family, and just like every other basic non-American family, they were going to Orlando.

"Philly!" Dan cried from Dillon's room, sounding frustrated. Phil laughed lightly, looking down at Winnie.

"Looks like Daddy is having some problems with Dil, huh Winnie?" Phil asked his little daughter as he picked her up and walked to Dillon's room, the toddler just giggled the whole walk, like she always did. As Phil entered the room covered in dinosaurs (because "they're the coolest things ever!"), he was greeted by a flustered Dan and a suitcase full of dinosaur toys, some stuffed and some plastic. Phil laughed at the mess and his upset (but still adorable) husband.

"Oh dearuh!" Winnie exclaimed in her sweet baby voice, causing even the very frustrated Dan to crack a smile. Phil rubbed Winnie's back as he looked around for Dillon, only to find him angrily crossing his arms in the corner.

"Yes, Winnie, very oh dear," Phil agreed as he met Dan's eyes. "What happened?" Phil asked his husband. Dan just shrugged his shoulders and sighed.

"Dil is being difficult," Dan said, gesturing to the suitcase full of dinosaurs and the fuming child. Phil smiled weakly and set Winnie on the ground before walking over to Dillon and crouching down to his level and looking him in his anger filled sea green eyes.

"What's up buddy?" Phil asked, aware of Dan fangirling in the background, as he always did when Phil acted all "Dad like". In the end Dan was just Phil trash #1, in any situation.

"Dad won't let me bring all my dinosaurs," Dillon grumbled, pouting slightly.

"Okay, but you need room for your clothes, how about we just bring two dinosaurs?" Phil offered, knowing Dillon would try to bump it up to three and that they could compromise like that.

"Three," Dillon countered just as Phil thought he would, to which Phil pretended to be iffy on for a minute.

"Okay then, three," Phil finally said, standing back up to full height and looking down at his now smiley son.

"Thanks, Papa!" Dillon yelped, throwing his arms around Phil's middle/waist area. Phil let out a small 'oof!' before patting his son's head and letting him hug him. Eventually Dillon pulled away and ran to pick his dinosaurs. Dan quickly replaced Dillon, wrapping his arms around Phil, causing the older man to giggle and wrap his arms around Dan's waist.

"Thank you," Dan muttered into the crook of Phil's neck. Phil loved the moments like that, when he was reminded of the years before, like in 2009 when he held Dan in the train station, like in 2012 when he told Dan they'd stay together, just times when their bodies were pressed together, two people oblivious to the world and content and happy in each other's arms, two pieces of a puzzle that fit together perfectly, as cheesy as it was.

"You're welcome," Phil replied, enjoying the warm cinnamon smell of Dan's body wash. Eventually the boys untangled themselves from each other's arms and went back to packing.

"Philly," Dan said from where he was squatting next to Winnie who had one of Dillion's dinosaurs sticking out of her mouth. Dan quickly pulled the toy out of her mouth and tossed it to the side before Dillion caught of glimpse of what his sister was doing. The two loved each other, very very deep down. Dan and Phil knew it, but they also knew that if one even looked at something that belonged to the other, it would result in all out war, and no one had time for that when they were about to be stuffed together in close proximity for hours as they flew to America.

"Yes?" Phil asked as he folded Dillion's clothes and neatly set them in the suitcase. Most of which were tee shirts with various graphic designs on them, mostly dinosaurs. The prehistoric reptiles just fascinated Dillion, which always made his father's break into grin. After all, how could someone not find that adorable? It was near impossible.

"You have kid duty, I have to finish our packing, okay?" Dan asked as he made his way out the door, not really giving Phil an option. Little did Dan know, he had a shadow. A small, wiggly, sticky, chubby cheeked, little shadow.

"Ha, looks like you also have Winnie duty," Phil called after Dan, setting down the green dinosaur jumper in his hands to watch Winnie speed crawl after Dan. She could walk... kind of. It was more of waddling, so she mostly crawled around as her main method of transportation. Dan turned around and looked down at the tinny bag of giggles and put his hands on his hips, a stupid grin on his face.

"Where are you going, Winne poo?" Dan asked in a voice a little higher pitched and softer than his usual voice. It was the voice he talked to babies with, everyone had that kind of a voice.

"Wit Dadda," Winnie replied, still on all fours like a dog. Her pastel pink and white sported dress was flipped over so it showed her entire stomach and diaper, which made Dan wonder if they should of put shorts on under it. Dan decided it would be fine, it was only a two year old's diaper anyway.

"No no, Winnie poo, you gotta stay with Papa," Dan argued softly, gesturing to Phil who had gone back to helping Dillion pack and wasn't paying any attention to his husband or daughter.

"No no, I'm go wit Dadda," Winnie said, pulling herself up with Dan's still sticky and gross jeans that he really needed to change. She grabbed Dan's hand and waddled away, like she was trying to get Dan to come with her. Dan followed, like the good Dadda he was.

When they reached the stair case Dan scooped Winnie into his arms, and she didn't protest. She knew better. Both kids did. No one was aloud up the stairs without permission, which helped with the kids being safe and Dan and Phil being safe to do whatever they please in the privacy of their room. Plus, it was funny to watch the kids try and find a loop hole around the whole "no upstairs" rule, like "what if I have to pee and both the downstairs bathrooms explode". That one had to be Dan's favorite.

"Let go uppie!" Winnie sung, waving her chubby arms around in glee. She loved uppie, well, she did when it was somewhere she wanted to go, if Dan or Phil picked her up to go to her bedroom for sleepy time, she threw a fit. Their daughter was as much of a night owl as her fathers. Dan remembered one occasion when he picked her up in the store because she threw a temper tantrum (Dadda didn't get her the candy), and it only made it worse. Dan was so angry that he yelled at his daughter, but regretted it the second her saw how sad it made her. He was so tempted to just buy her the damn candy because he loved her so much, but he held strong, until later that night when he cried in Phil's arms. He couldn't help it, he loved Winnie an awful lot, and seeking her unhappy physically hurt him. She was his baby.

"Yay, uppie!" Dan cheered, wondering how in God's name he was going to pack for both he and Phil and watch Winnie to make sure she didn't get into anything she shouldn't be in. He knew he'd forget something, he just hoped it wasn't watching his daughter, he had no idea how he'd be able to explain to Phil how Winnie managed to swallow a condom. That would traumatize everyone involved, including Dan.

"Are you sure we have everything?" Phil asked for the millionth time. Dan nodded, trying to fiddle with his keys to lock the door. It was hard when you had a wiggly child and about a thousand bags in your arms. Okay, it was two bags, and Phil and even Dillion were carrying more, but still, they weren't carrying a Winnie.

"Yes, love, we have everything," Dan assured his husband.

Turns out they didn't have everything, in the rush to get packed and ready quickly, they forgot toothpaste. Now, since they were spending a week in Florida, they needed toothpaste. So, after hours of kicking and screaming and embarrassment from the flight, Phil had to go to a nearby Walmart and buy some toothpaste. Dan was at the hotel with the kids while Phil went, mainly because there was no way in hell Phil was being left alone with them that moment. Phil loved his kids and was even more patient with them than Dan, but the man needed a break. Even if it was just for 15 minutes, he enjoyed it. It was rare that he was the one who got a break, usually it was Dan before he actually murdered one of their kids.

Phil rushed through the rows upon rows of shelves, many of which were filled with things that seemed less than useless. (Seriously America? Who comes up with a stuffed animal that turns into a demon faced beast when you press a button?) He kept his head low, hoping he wouldn't be noticed by anyone. Usually he loved the fans and didn't mind being recognized and taking a few pictures with them, but he wasn't looking very great at the moment and would rather there not be dozens of copies of a photo where he had greasy hair and stained jeans on covering every social media cite.

Phil finally made his way to the personal hygiene area and scanned the shelves for the toothpaste he and Dan typically used. He found it and grabbed it, making his way to check out. He almost got out of the store without being recognized, until Maria behind the counter wanted a picture. Dammit. The fact that he didn't manage to go the entire shopping trip without being noticed bothered Phil, nevertheless, he took the picture with the girl and gave her hugs. She asked how Dan and the kids were and Phil said they were great and then he left, head down in embarrassment. He probably should of showered and changed before leaving the hotel, but he didn't.

Soon enough he was back in the hotel room, happy to find both Winnie and Dillion happily asleep in their shared bed. They had gotten two twin sized beds in the hotel room and hoped Winnie and Dillion would be okay with sharing, and thank goddess they were or else Phil might just cry. He walked towards the bed of his sleeping children and kissed each of their foreheads lovingly.

"Good night," he whispered to the sleeping forms as he turned to the door. He jumped a little to see someone standing behind him, but soon saw the curly fringe that belonged to his husband and felt relief fill him. Dan had his arms crossed across his chest and a loving smile across his face.

"They were very tired from being little shits for so long," Dan said, gesturing to their children on the bed. Phil giggled a little bit, Dan wasn't the most poetic person. For a boy who knew more words than anyone else Phil knew, he sure seemed to have his favorite words, which were just profanities.

"I'm sure they were, must be hard to embarrass your parents for hours on end," Phil said with a yawn. It was only eight in Florida, but in London it would be one in the morning and it had been a very long day. Dan soon joined Phil in his act of yawning and cursed at Phil for making him tired, though Phil knew it was just Dan being difficult and his words had no vicious intent.

"Let's go to bed," Dan said, giving Phil no real choice and dragging him to their bed. Phil shook his head and pulled out of Dan's grasp.

"Pajamas first," Phil ordered in a hushed voice (suddenly remembering that his kids were sleeping and not wanting to wake them), gesturing to his tight jeans. Dan, on the other had was already in his pajamas and looking very comfortable. Dan rolled his eyes and plopped down on the bed, quickly getting comfortable and tucking himself under the sheets.

Phil walked over to he and Dan's open suitcase (they decided to share because in all honestly neither knew which clothes were even his at that point, but hey, "what's mine is yours" and other shit that comes with marriage) and flipped through the mess of clothes until he found some pajamas. He didn't even bother going into the bathroom to change because his kids were fast asleep and it wasn't like it was anything Dan hadn't seen already. As he pulled off his shirt in one quick motion he heard Dan give a low two toned whistle from their bed and he just rolled his eyes. You'd think that after years of marriage Dan would give up on that cat calling, you'd be wrong. The boy was a massive flirt and since he was married Phil received all of Dan's flirting needs. Sometimes it was sexy but most times it was bloody annoying. Phil quickly shuffled out of his pants and pulled on his pajama shirt and pants before running over to check if the door and all the windows were locked. Once satisfied that they wouldn't be brutally murdered, raped, and/or kidnapped in their sleep, he crawled into bed next to Dan.

"Night night you sexy motherfucker," Dan muttered as he laid his head on Phil's chest, earning a snort of laughter from Phil.

"Night night," Phil replied, wrapping an arm around Dan's waist while using his other hand to pull the blanket over them both. Lots of sex, drugs, and death happened in hotels and Phil quite honestly had to force himself to not think about that to ever sleep in one. Having Dan next to him made it a little better, but bottom line hotels were disgusting and Phil hated them.

Slowly but surely Phil drifted off to sleep, happy that the next morning he and his beautiful family would enjoy the day at Disney World.

"Philly, I shouldn't have read all those Disney horror stories last week, you were right, I'm fucking terrified of this goddamn ride and holly shit I swear that robot just moved," Dan said in one breath, scooting as close as possible to Phil while squeezing his husband's hand so hard it hurt both parties. Phil meanwhile, was only half paying attention to Dan as he was terrified himself, but only because one of his kids, Dillion, was three rows away and he didn't want to lose his. Now, Phil wasn't all that over protective, okay, maybe a little, but any responsible parent would be afraid when their child(ren) could be in harms way, and his baby was so far away! God, Phil was going to have such a hard time sending either of his kids off to uni.

"Love, you'll be fine, they're supposed to move," Phil said, reacting over Winnie and patting Dan's knee with his free hand that wasn't caught in the death grip of a very terrified man. He stretched himself up a little to get a better look Dillion, who seemed to be having a blast. Winnie was laughing her head off in Phil's lap (it was the only way she'd be aloud on the ride and Phil knew the first chance Dan got he'd throw her like a grenade at the first thing that moved) and Dillion seemed to be screaming the lyrics to "It's A Small World". Phil was really happy his kids were having fun, but he still worried. He wished Dillion could of just sat closer to his fathers but nooo he was too cool for that. The little shit.

Eventually the ride was over and Dan was shaking too badly to hold Winnie, so Phil just set her down and told Dillion to hold her hand. Dillion was going to refuse but Phil gave him the "I swear to God if you don't do what I told you, you're grounded until you go off to uni" face and he obliged.

After a few rides where Phil and Dillion went on alone while Dan stayed on a bench nearby with Winnie, the color started to come back to Dan's face and they could go on a few more rides as a family. Then, Dillion and Winnie managed to get their fathers to get some ice cream eam (or 'i cweam', in Winnie's case), and they stopped by a nearby Dip-n-Dots cart.

"Winnie Pooh, you like your ice cream?" Dan asked, holding the now empty spoon Winnie had just taken a bite off of (Dan was feeding her because Winnie didn't really understand the concept of hot and cold yet, or spoons for that matter). Winnie nodded eagerly, a trail of melted pink ice cream falling down her cheek that Dan quickly whipped away.

"I cweam!" Winnie exclaimed, clapping her somehow-sticky hands to show her excitement. "Yum!"

Dan smiled affectionately at his daughter and felt a cold kiss on his cheek from Phil. "I swear to got Phil if you got fucking ice cream on my cheek I'm getting a divorce," Dan said, a smile on his face because there was no way he'd actually divorce Phil. He turned to his husband who had a huge grin on his face.

"Ops," Phil said, licking his thumb and rubbing it on Dan's cheek where he'd just kissed him. Dan scrunched his eyes in disgust.

"Ewie, 'pit!" Winnie cried, slapping her hands over her eyes in disgust.

"Exactly Winnie, 'ewie 'pit'," Dan replied, pushing Phil's hand away from his face and replacing his thumb with a napkin, like that would magically make the DNA on his face disappear.

"Stop with the PDA!" Dil said from across the table. "You guys are gross!"

Both Dan and Phil laughed at that, because somewhere down the line they'd become the gross couple that's always hugging and kissing in public with two adorable kids that were messy as hell. At that, was the dream. They were living the dream, a wish they wished many years before, before they even met, and as they say in the land of dreams, "when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true".

[bootisimo]

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all

[thethoughtsofadumbcollegegirl]

About Me

Let me begin with a little bit about me. I am a Sophomore at Millersville University. I really love going to college. I have met so many great people there and have had some great times. College has really changed me as a person and I honestly love the me that I am now. I went into school with a boyfriend who ended up proposing to me when we were 19. Actually, I was 19. He was still 18 at the time. We started dating freshmen year of high school. I thought that he was the one for me. We were always together. Marching band, chorus, same classes, lockers 4 apart from one another, lived only moments away. It was perfect. He was my first lover, but not my first love. He, yeah were going to refer to the high school boyfriend as he. He and I were practically the perfect couple. Never arguing, never disagreed, always there for each other. Lying? What was that? We were so honest with each other. His family LOVED me. Well his dad’s side of the family did. My family LOVED him. My mom told me practically every day about how perfect he was and how I should never let him get away from me. Our junior year in high school things started to change with us. He changed almost over night it seemed. Before I get into that, let me say that him and I came from two different places even though they were only moment away. His parents were divorced at an early age. His sister and him always going house to house. It was very hard for the entire family. Because of that though, he was given everything that he ever wanted. The newest video games? Yeah he had them. 100′s of DVD’s? Yep those too. The newest cell phone that was out? Yeah that too. Once he started driving, his family bought him is first car. He never had to worry about not having gas money because when he was out, mommy or daddy or one of the grandparents was there to hand him some more. He laughed at the thought of having a job. I however come from a single mother household. This means that my mother tried to give me and my brother everything, but most of the time that was not possible. I understood. My brother as well. From an early are of 14 I had a job. When my brother was finally old enough to get one, he did too. I was forced to learn the value of money at a very young age. If you want something expensive, you best find a way to start saving it, because mom can’t help much. My brother and I did have my mother’s parents for most of our childhood though. Nana would throw us $5 or $10 if she could. Nana was the best. She knew that my mother was trying as best as she could. Nana sadly died suddenly when I was 16. My brother was 13. This really devastated the family. Nana was the rock that held the family together. She didn't have much to leave for us except for a life insurance policy. That is how I received my car. My nana and I always looked on the computer for nice cars for me. She always wanted me to have a beetle bug. My mom knew how much I loved doing that with her, so when the money finally came, that’s what I got. Im sorry, I got pretty sidetracked there. The point of all of that was to explain that I know the value of things. When he got his car, it was way before I got mine. (We had to wait for the life insurance money) Every chance he got, he rubbed it in my face. I was happy for him that he had a car, but he didn’t need to do that. He pretty much drove that car into the ground though. He did such stupid things in it. Why did he do that? Because he wasn’t the one to buy it. He didn’t care what happened to it. When he would get mad, he would throw his phone at the ground and smash it. Why? Because he didn’t pay for it. He didn’t care about it. When I finally got my car, I drove carefully and always kept it clean. My rule was that I could eat and drink in it because it was my car. If I spilled something in it, it was my fault. I wouldn’t be mad at anyone else except for myself. About 2 weeks after having my car he brought a soda and chips in with him. I reminded him about not eating in the car so he did put the chips away. The soda however ended up slipping out of his hand when I was turning. Maybe a little more sharply than I should have been turning, but that’s not the point. I was so mad at him for that. It was all over my carpet. When we finally got home I screamed at him about how he was going to be scrubbing the carpet and cleaning anything that was sticky. He laughed at me and said “It’s only a car”. That’s what started it. Right there I knew. I knew that he was going to be like this is whole life. I wish I would have gotten out of that relationship right there and then, but I was so stupid. I stayed with him for 3 more years. I broke down crying about how he doesn’t care about anything because everything is handed to him. Yes, I did get my car handed to me but my grandmother had to die in order for me to get that car. I would trade my car to get my nana back in .032 seconds. I miss her so much. The point of all of this is because after this, I saw him in a different light. We began arguing so much, but I thought that I loved him, so I stayed and pretended. At the time, I just thought that was what couples did. Now that I’m away from him and have time to reflect and see how things were, I can see how unhappy I was with the whole thing. We even went and got engaged. It was during our first semester of college. Well actually the first semester was over because it was Christmas. He had decided that going to school wasn’t for him and he didn't want to go back. He went to school in Williamsport. He said that he was too far from me and his family. I understood that. Going away to school just isn't for some people. He was going to go to the local community college. I was fine with that. I told him that he will be going to school full time or he will be having a full time job. I was hoping that the thought of having a job would scare him into staying in school. When I went back to Millersville, he ended up just not going to his classes. He didn’t withdraw or dropout, he just stopped going. Failed all of his classes and killed his GPA. If he would ever go back to school, it would be so hard for him to pass. That’s how low it is. He did all of this though without telling me. I was at my school thinking that he was in school and all that. I would ask him how class was and he would give me an answer knowing damn well that he wasn’t going to class. That began the big lies. He would really be going out with his friends and doing very stupid things. He was going over to girl’s houses and hanging out. Never telling me any of this. All the while every time I was home from school, all he wanted was sex. When I wouldn’t give it to him, he would get mad and leave. I always thought that he was just going home when he was leaving... Yeah that wasn’t true. I guess it’s my fault though. I wouldn’t have sex with him. So he had to get it from someone else. I didn’t find all this out though until we broke up. We broke up because he didn’t want to have a job or go to school, so i didn’t want to be with him. It was actually him who broke up with me. He said that I expected too much from him and I was always mad. I mean I guess that’s true too. I expected him to have a job and I was always mad at him because he would do things that I asked him not to constantly. He was being mean to me verbally, never physically. But let me state again that HE was the one who broke up with me. When I finally write down Halloween party story, remember that. HE BROKE UP WITH ME. Remember that when I tell you the story of December 14th at school. Those are stories for another time. 

[suddenlystorm]

I’m bored 🤷🏻‍♀️

01. What do you hope you grow out of? Bad self esteem

02. What is the healthiest and unhealthiest thing you do on a regular basis? Unhealthest - my diet and I don’t exercise; healthiest - I was about to say nothing, lol, but I mean there is something I must do healthy every day.... I drink lots of water? I tell my hubby I love him; are those healthy enough? 😂

03. When looking for a SO, what three things are most important (besides looks)? Just three? Ughhhh - 1. Able to bring joy and laughter into my life 2. Can bring me back up when I get low 3. Let’s be honest, sex is important. A man that can make me orgasm to where I can’t breath and everything goes all electric-like, without toys 😉😘 thank god im married to this man 🥰

04. How much do you judge a person by their appearance? Not much. More so on their hygiene

05. What is the most embarrassing thing you own? I don’t think I do?

06. What is the strangest habit you have? I don’t think I have one? Lol. I’m too vanilla

07. What movie made you cry the most? Throw out movie, how about Grey’s Anatomy 😭 but if I had to... bridge to tarabitha

08. What was one of the happiest moments of your childhood? Nothings really jumping out at me at the moment.....

09. What was the worst date that you’ve ever been on? I’ve never been on a bad date, but then again I never dated much. Causal hang outs and one night stands 😂

10. What’s your favorite vacation memory from when you were a child? I don’t have one 🤷🏻‍♀️ guess I’m learning stuff about myself here too

11. What belief do you have that most people disagree with? I don’t necessarily have a belief that most ppl disagree with. I’m pro choice though, I think gun regulations need to be looked at, I believe in universal healthcare and private insurance, blah blah blah let’s not get political here

12. What impression do you try to give when you first meet someone? That I’m not a bitch 😅

13. Who or what inspires you to be a better person? Myself and Jake. I’ve never had good role models

14. What’s the TLDR description of your last relationship? Lololololol. You guys would be reading for dayyyyyyz. Girl meets boy. Boy is a fuckboy. Boy finally comes to his senses and snatches up girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy cheats and lies. Girl cries and forgives. Boy and girl slowly grow apart. Girl is unhappy and ends relationship. Boy and girl still live together. Boy and girl still act like couple. Boy gets a new gf and lies about it to both girls. Boy sleeps with both girls. A. Lot. Both girls find out and kick boy to curb. Girl is depressed. Girl is suicidal. Girl picks up broken pieces. Girl tries to move on. Boy keeps trying to pull her back in. Girl meets new boy. Girl doesn’t let boy take her away. Girl lives happily ever after. Boy....?

15. If you found out your current life has been just a dream, would you choose to wake up? (You don’t know if your real life would be better or worse.) No

16. What dumb thing did you believe for a really long time? That I peed from my vagina hole 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

17. What are some things you would you like to achieve before you die? Travel. I want to see the world. I want to be immersed in culture and other ways of life. I would love to do some deep sea exploration, but that’d probably never happen

18. Where would you like to retire? Haven’t thought that far ahead

19. What brings you the most joy in life? Jake. Bear. Ocean. Books.

20. What is the best and worst part of your personality? Best - I’m an empath. Worst - I’m high strong and very stubborn

21. How would your perfect partner treat you? The way Jake does 🥰😍 there is so much love, respect, and trust in our relationship I didn’t think it could be possible

[rohanisnothere]

Smol And Tol: A Rachel and Mike romantic side story [Part 3 Finale]

A while has passed since Michael had to listen to Rachel’s long story of her misadventures in Psanctum sine they last met. Fortunately,the two have been done with handing out all the cool water bottles to those in need of it. Now they’re currently sitting beside eachother on the edge of one the city’s aqueducts,looking out on the late afternoon sky,the city basking in the cool red-orange light of the sun.                                                                                            Michael was silently enjoying the view,satisfied with today’s finished duty. He slowly looked over to his companion,who was far more interested in drinking the water bottle he had gave her as a small bonus for helping him out,even though it was basically black mail. Michael,and as any other pure bred demon,has lived for a long time,meeting odd and interesting characters along the way. But never has he met someone so odd and interesting as this girl before him. Its not like he took a fancy to her,atleast not to him,but for some reason this particular runaway has been bumping into him more times than any other person he has associated with.                                                                                                                          He can still remember the first time they met,when thieves broke into Connie’s apothecary shop at night and stole vials of Embrosia,a rare and highly valuable elixir able to flush out nasty sicknesses and prolong one’s stamina. Luckily he was just coming coming back from an interview he had with the press at the library. The thieves were running along the roofs of the apartment buildings,silently enough to not make too much noise. But Michael heard the commotion,not because of the thieves,but because of a loud and furious voice yelling at the top of their lungs and cursing colorfully at the thieves while chasing them. Michael saw her,a girl with pink hair chasing after the robbers on the rooftops,running as fast as she could. She looked petite even from a distance,and on her head rested a pair of horns that were spiked like a bull’s horns. She also had a small tail shaped like a spade colored red.                          Michael helped her out in catching the two thieves,who were a kobold and a tanuki.                                                                                                                          Afterwards,Michael saw the girl’s horns slowly retracted into themselves,making them look like a ram’s horns now. She thanked him and went back to the apothecary,leaving Mike on the street. They were too tired to ask eachother’s name,or even introduced themselves. Michael assumed she wasnt from the city since his mere presence didnt shock her or anysort of reaction a normal citizen of Psanctum would give him. That night marked the beginning of a bond that would last for the ages.                                                    Rachel noticed Mike just staring at her with a weird look,as if she was the most confusing thing ever. Growing uncomfortable,Rachel waved her hand in front of Mike’s face. “Hey,Mike,Hey,yoohoo is anyone there? Are you ok? Do you have brain damage?” Rachel started to snap her fingers in Mike’s face. Finally,he came to his senses and looked flustered.                                                                “OH-oh,Rachel,sorry, i was just thinking about something” Michael apologetically said.                                                                                                   Rachel gave him a suspicious look at him”It’d better not been something about me,cuz that’d be reeaaalllllllyyyy creepy and,well,wrong.”                                       Mike’s face went abit red”W-ww-what nO NO no! it’s just..i..i was remembering something.”                                                                                                              Rachel narrowed her eyes at him,but she decided to drop it and view the city from afar. Michael also went back to stare at the view,but he then asked Rachel a question that’s been on his mind.                                                                         “Hey,Rachel?”                                                                                                         “Hmm? What’s up?” she casually responded                                                         “I’ve been meaning to ask,Why did you run away from your home?Your family? I know what im asking isnt my business,but i’d like to understand why you did it.”   Rachel looked at Mike,then she looked down at the city.                                        “Well”,she started unsurely,”I guess you could say i wasn’t satisfied with things back home.”                                                                                                            “How? You’re of noble blood in Mara,born into a rich family with economic influence,servants filling in your basic needs and keeping you pampered,having almost anything you could want! And you’re telling me,a prince no less,that you weren’t happy with that?”                                                                                         Rachel growled a bit at MIke,her horns slowly moving up abit.                              “I didn’t say i was unhappy, i just felt like something was missing from my life” she responded a bit angrily.                                                                                     “Im sorry, i should’ve worded that more correctly. But,what exactly was missing in your life?”                                                                                                             “....Adventure.” Rachel wistfully said,slowly smiling at saying the word. She continued on.”Adventure was what i was missing Mike! All my life in Mara i lived in the coastal city of Cephalosanges,living in a manor and having everything i could ask for at a moment’s notice. Other kids would try to get to be my friend. But i knew that that was all ruse cuz i was loaded. The only true friend i had was my younger sister Yima. But as i got older, my grandpa would tell me and Yima stories about heroes and legends from our world and Earth. Stories of people slaying monsters,finding ancient ruins,conquering lands,the list just goes on!        I especially love the Odyssey.” she dreamily finished.                                            Mike looked at Rachel,finally understanding the mind of this girl.                          “So,after some time, i made a descision to see what the world has to offer me,and now im here” Rachel proudly said.                                                              “You mean to tell me that you traveled all the way from the southern part of the continent,ran away from home,and hid your identity,just because you were having a thirst for adventure?” Michael asked critically.                                            “Well,yeah kinda, i wanted to see the world outside of my home, so i decided to do it. And man was it worth it! I rode a wyvern for the first time in my life,tagged along with a bunch of mercenaries traveling north,became queen of the squirrels,ate a gryfin egg, climbed a giant mush-”                                                   “Wait wait,hold on a moment”,Mike interrupted.”You became queen of the squirrels?”                                                                                                                “Gaze upon the queen of all that is good in nuts and acorns!” Rachel said in a mock royal tone.                                                                                                      “Umm..ok,but how?”                                                                                                “I’ll tell you another time,but right now,Michael,you got to hold up your end of the deal,remember?”                                                                                                      Michael almost forgot about the deal,but he did remembered.                                “Ah yes,right. Well, Rachel,due to your circumstances and conditions of living,how does an apartment in the upstate area of the capital sound to you? With rent and utility expenses all covered by the Psanctum department of treasury?” Only silenced was greeted by Mike as Rachel simply stared at him with an open mouth. He knew she’d react like this. Slowly,Rachel walked over to him and looked up directly into his golden eyes.                                                     “You’re bullshitting me,aren’t you?                                                                         “No, i am being genuinely honest about this”                                                         ”And how am i supposed to know that? For all i could know you’re gonna sike me out and get a laugh out of it”                                                                              “Rachel”,Mike grabbed her shoulders gently,”I am not lying to you. I am a prince of Psanctum,son of the King Fortitudo III,on my word i am being very,VERY,serious about this.”                                                                                 “But,but i thought you found me annoying,and troublesome. You’d sometimes even call me a menace before”                                                                                ‘And im sorry,but now that i got to know you better, i can see why you act the way you do. And i dont want a citizen of this city to die somewhere in the slums because of my judgment on you.”                                                                            Rachel slowly smiled. “Im a citizen now?”                                                               “Well,not yet,but i’ll work it out with some of the city’s council to make you one.”    Rachel suddenly glomped Mike,almost causing him to fall off the aqueduct. Thankfullu he didnt. And after that night,those two would soon share more adventures with eachother than before,and develop a bond that would mean more then just friends.

[annoyinglynuttywhispers]

feelings 16th/17

wow youre really a villian wow he really loves you wow hes crazy wow you can't do shit youre like a sick little patient. "i know im running away from the truth" am i ever going to change? im not myself that feeling when he suggested that I should go for me since its hurting me so much, That cold empty feeling. That lets me know how much i love you. "I dont want to loose you" does it make a difference if i let you know you'll never loose me, whether were togethor or not? "salma i was just joking". You dont know what i think of myself. youre so uptight. Youre always ready. Its so unsettling. all of this is very unsettling. but im in it if you are. i believe in it if you do. But do you? Youre so sweet and bright and i feel like I dull you out. Im such a mood killer. Im so boring. This whole thing has made more the most unsure of myself then ive ever been in my entire life.. i feel like you need to take my hand and guide me through it. I dont trust myself enough to guide me.. i feel really alone. But with you its the different kind. Like youre so good and im so bad and thats whats seperating us and it hurts. i need to bring myself out of this and i need to remember the key details of what to do and what not to do. I hate trial and error so much. The uncertainty kills me. the uncertainty kills me all the time for anything really. i wonder if i need help. I never feel happy. I can laugh and smile at things. He can make them genuine. Whwn something bad happens it gets swiped away really fast, like a wax strip. It hurts longer then one though. Whenever youre upset about something or you express discomfort, it makes me feel like i disappointed you, even when sometimes it has nothing to do with me i wonder if im learning from experience or am i traumitized by it. The thought that i hurt my little ball of sunshine makes me want to cry for hours. i wonder if he knows that. i wonder if its too late to bring that up. i wonder if i need some time away from you. "If i step on your toes i feel it too" boy does that feel litterate. i want to die. I want to be alone. At the same time i dont want to be with you because i step on your toes. You said it too "anything you think is right is wrong" would it work? would i come back a better and functionable person? would i have a straight head? would i finally not be so sensitive? being sensitive is horrible. Youre like a therapist. Im like a gaping asshole, i cant keep my shit in anymore. A busted balloon that cant hide shit anymore. Anything i keep to myself destroys me from the inside. Sooner or later youre going to get sick of me telling you things. Youre going to get sick of me in general. "Im nevee going to get sick of you". Even typing to an account that no one sees makes me feel violated and vunerable. Being sensitive sucks. I could go on and on and on forever. I wonder if its because i never tell anyone anything. I miss him. Every time we leave a call i miss him. Every time somethings wrong i miss him. sometimes wanting to run away has been more frequent lately. Just to solve everyones problems. My parents could finally be happy and not worry about me by sperating because they hate eachother. He can finally be detached from me and find someone else thats good for him. No ones going to love him more than me. Let the problem solve itself? He really is adorable. His laugh is so cute and hes such a sweet heart. He gets mad at little things and he can be scary at times buy he trys. He trys so hard. His life is so hard. And you make it harder. He seems so beat up and its like you joined in with the people that did it. I wish i could tear myself down but i wonder if the guilt is doing it for me. I wonder if theres going to be a happy ending to successfully be with you, or for you to be without me and be successful You wanted to marry me, i wonder if you feel the same way..probably not that really hurts, to know i fucked up that much. Your so stupid salma, you really are so stupid. True love found you and you squashed it. Does he trust me? I dont trust him. what am i going to do. should i ever show him these? i wonder if that would help anything i always feel like everythings my fault now. I feel like my very presence makes him miserable.I wonder if ill ever help myself. I wonder if ill ever help you. was it better when i didnt care or was it only better because i never seemed unhappy? Any tiny thing makes me uncomfortable.. I dont think it was ever about school really it was always about you. am i a liar? yeah i feel better that i admitted it. i hate being vunerable in front of people. I hate being vunerable infront of you. maybe it was better in the beggining because i wasnt vunerable or as vunerable in front of you. I was more sure of myself back then. I was comfortable in my own skin. It was ok for people to be mad and it was ok for me to be mad. I had confidence in me. can i really not do anything? You dont want to lose me. To a certain point or at a certain angle, you have. Youve lost the me you first known, youve lost the girl you love to the girl that cant love herself because of all that youve proven to her and how all that she thought she could do? you said she couldnt, and thats how she lost herself and thats why she finally spoke out and thats why shes in the rut shes in and thats why she cant take care of you. maybe i do need to get away from you. People call this gas lighting. I wonder if he knows hes doing it?