#like idk maybe we can say ‘this word makes me feel infantilized’ like that

[vampire-nyx]

I always feel like strangely embarrassed when I earnestly like and use and identify with a term other people really seriously hate, like oh no. Am I doing self identification wrong

[shirogane-oushirou]

edit: i decided this would drive me nuts, but i still want to keep it in case there's something worth salvaging in the future. ignore all of this ^_^

for some reason i'm interested the idea of poke!ren beginning our friendship with that like... unintentional infantilization a lot of people do with disabled people when they're trying not to be actively ableist? not because i enjoy that LMAO ABSOLUTELY NOT -- and my pokesona is prideful as hell and would DESPISE it -- but i think it would make sense.

[cw casual ableism, infantilism of disabled ppl. also, disclaimer: i'm basing some of this loosely on my own health issues so it may not 100% apply to all disabled people. just want to keep that straight LMAO.]

most many doctors are SUPREMELY ableist, but doc!ren went into his field SPECIFICALLY to help disabled people and so focused on how best to treat each individual person according to their personalities and disabilities. sure, poke!ren's also technically both a clinical doc and researcher, but if doc!ren is like 80% clinical 20% research, poke!ren is like 10% clinical 90% research.

so poke!ren... doesn't have that knowledge. he does mostly field work and some lab work, with the rare "what do you think about this specific medical case?" appointment. he's the kind of person who hates the more vocal brands of ableism, but is consistently overbearing with his treatment of disabled people in a way that's inadvertently exhausting to deal with because "what happens if i tell him this is also ableist? will he have a fit? will he get angry or upset? will he decide disabled people are too picky if i'm not the Perfect Disabled Little Meow Meow?" so you just end up suffering through it.

therefore, he goes full "paper skin, glass bones," with me, very, "oh i can get that for you! no don't stand up, i can do that. can i cook something for you? no no no, i mean, i know you COULD, but wouldn't it be /easier/ for me to make it for you? you might hurt yourself!". 🙄

we have an evening outing in another city. it gets dark, we're not at the point where we're comfortable staying at his place together, he offers to maybe help me find a hotel, and i say "nope i've got this!" and fly away home on a Fucking Lugia.

and then he has to sit with that and realize some things.

like the fact that he has no idea who the fuck i am beyond surface level. after all, i've been carrying a legendary bird around in my back pocket and he didn't know until now, months after we first met.

like the fact that i can take care of SOME things by myself with the right "tools" or pkmn. i SOMETIMES need help, but i don't ALWAYS need help, and if i DO need help i have the option to tell him myself.

like the fact that he simply saw me as Disabled. as though i didn't have a life before or outside of Disability. i was simply the pitiable, lonely, disabled vn nerd he talks about games with.

and then he has to relearn Me from square one, and it makes our relationship so much stronger. we're able to work on our perfect balance together and build the trust that HE won't take things over for ME when I'M capable of something, and that I will let HIM know when i need HIM to do something I can't do. he has to trust that i'll let him be more doting on the days when i'm having flare-ups, but simultaneously has to respect when there are things i still want to do myself even on those worst days.

.........idk. this is a lot of words to say "god i want to be taken care of, but in a way where the other person sees me as an adult with a personality and decision-making ability and a life that's deeply AFFECTED by disability in many ways but isn't JUST disability." yk?

tbch, after writing it all out, this maaaay end up as canon..... OR it might remain a theoretical offshoot depending on how comfy i am when the Mental Movies (tm) of us finding that trust come together. poke!ren's supposed to be like. PURE escapism, so something like this honestly might hit too close to home to feel good fdhfghfg. like at least he'd end up learning that balance, which is nice... but everything leading up to it? 😬 Maybe A Bit Too Painful....

(damn. verbose king over here, wrote all of this TWICE just to say "i might throw it out" lKNMADKJFNKJDNF)

[tommyssupercoolblog]

Alright, response to last night's Anon, here we go:

I revieved an Anon yesterday from someone concerned that I was infantilizing my husband Seán ( @septiccoffeefreak ), like. that I didn't think he could do things for himself or make decisions and stuff.

I have no clue where that idea came from but I love him lots, and I have literal nightmares about being infantilized myself because I carry a lot of truama for that and am terrified about it. Its a huge trigger for me that leads to meltdowns and panic attacks all the time so the thought of doing that to my puppy makes me like actually sick so I like HAVE to clear this up like pronto!!!

I brainstormed some ideas on how this miscommunication could have happened and how I can add context; I'll be addressing different things that I think maybe could have been the trigger for this ask under the cut, tho I'm not sure where exactlyyyy this came from so I'm having to guess and spread a wide net.

Posts about him?? Idk what to title this section

I run all my jokes and photos and stuff that has to do with Seán past him and make sure they're okay with him. Every time. Even in DMs, even in actual conversation. I'm extremely careful about this.

Additionally there have been many times where he's told me a post was fine but I felt it was too much and didn't post it.

For example: he really likes these joke posts about like "oh I'm just a scared little deer oh no I'm a deer in headlights I'm so cringefail boy failure pathetic" and he makes similar posts. I don't think he's pathetic at all, he does definitely have some introverted tendencies and can be a little quiet sometimes but that's not a bad thing or pathetic!! Plus I think he's funny and charming and awesome and SO SMART?? Gah??? Anyways I think he's the best. He used to be a lot more anxious and worried and sad than he is now, and we've joked before that he's a "rescue" because of those videos of dogs who are super scared/nervous and then become happy and healthy over time.

I try not to joke about that too much though because I never want him to feel like he can't do something and I also don't want strangers to think he's pathetic. A lot of these bloggers he likes call themselves pathetic and sopping wet all the time and as fun as he seems to find calling himself a sopping wet little guy he's so...to me he's like perfect. And I don't like calling him that.

That being said he does have a sort of melancholic air to him, and I don't think that makes him pathetic. He also has this sort of soft beauty to him and I think it's very magical and pretty, but I don't think it's a sign of weakness either. I'm not like, good with words so I don't know how to describe it because he can be pretty in the way sad things are sometimes pretty, but... he's not sad or pitiful or weak. He makes me happy, and he's very interesting and smart and stuff. He's just like... gentle, and there's this weird association people have between gentleness/softness and being weak and that's kind of... bad.

When I try to express this feeling I have when I look at him and like how pretty he is in that soft way I sometimes get worried that the wording will give the wrong impression, and he'll tell me it's fine but I'll be like..."no I can't call you sopping wet I know you like to call yourself that but you're NOT WET you're cute in the way sopping wet animals sometimes are but you're not sopping wet or sad or in need of help and if I call you sopping wet people will think you are pathetic and if anyone thinks bad about you ever I'll EXPLODE EVERYWHERE and I don't know how to word the words I don't know how to!! AURGH!!" and he's like "calm down lol". Sometimes I worry more about this than other times.

If I ever call him my little meow meow or something it's not to say he's pathetic or weak. In fact to be honest? I feel like a lot of the time he's more capable than I am. He's strong and I can sort of rely on him in that way, he makes me feel safe. I feel like he could protect me from the whole world, you know? If he didn't hype me up so much I might even feel metaphorically small in comparison. (Literally I am smaller. I am tiny)

He's just...sweet and gentle and soft and cute/pretty/handsome/WOWWW. And I don't always know how to express that good because I'm not good with words like he is and sometimes he'll suggest or give me a word but unless we're writing fanfic together and both writing entire lines anyway I don't want to steal from him and take credit for his epic poggers brain and his epic poggers pretty big words he uses. I try to think of the describing words myself and put something together on my own even tho it is really hard...

The fact I would do literally anything for him and also I don't want anyone to be mean to him ever

I know full well Seán can protect himself??? He's extremely capable and smart. But he also deserves the world and he also, in a perfect amazing world, wouldn't HAVE to defend himself from mean people. When I post about wanting to protect him or how "I would literally kill for you babygirl" it's about loving him and wanting to help him and keep mean people away, not about him being unable to handle anything at all.

Wanting to defend him is all about loving him and thinking he's precious and WORTH defending. If you saw your best friend in a fight would you be like "oh well they're strong they can handle it haha" NO YOU WOULD JUMP IN AND BITE THE ATTACKER IF EVEN IF UR FRIEND IS TWICE YOUR SIZE ANS WOULD HAVE WON ANYWAY BECAUSE THEY DESERVE!!! SUPPORT!!!!! I would do anything for my babygirl no matter what. It doesn't matter if I could do it or even if I could do it any better than he could, it just matters that I can try. And I love him so much that GODDAMNIT I'm always gonna try.

ANXIETY/TALKING TO PEOPLES

I have never, EVER decided FOR Seán that I should do the talking. I usually try to encourage him to talk himself if he can and hype him up as long as he's comfortable and sure he wants to. But he usually doesn't WANT to talk to people, like at all- it's a rare occurrence. A special one that makes me jump for joy every time because it means he's feeling safer and getting healthier mentally- but a rare one.

Seán's anxiety can be crippling at times and I try to be there for him when it is. He helps me when I have mental problems too, and keeps me safe and talks me down. But I don't think any lesser of him just because he needs me to talk to employees sometimes, that would be awful!!! And he doesn't think lesser of me either if I have an autism meltdown or need help making food (he usually cooks because I struggle with it). Sometimes people just need help.

I don't talk to employees for him because I don't think he can talk to people at all- I actively encourage him to talk to people and try to push him to keep going whenever possible, offer him advice, tell him he's doing great and to just keep talking- but I talk to employees for him because sometimes he asks me to or gets so frozen that i try to comfort him but I can't get through and he's basically just about to cry, or is actively starting to cry.

If Seán is uncomfortable with something and doesn't want to do something, if he's nervous and upset, I'm not going to put him through that when I can easily sidestep the whole issue. I'm fine ordering for him at restaurants if it makes him happier and safer, but when he's feeling good enough to order for himself that makes me really happy!!!

Petnames

He asked for the petnames I call him. They make him blushy and happy. I call him princess and puppy and babygirl because he's shy about it but he really likes it and I want to make himb happy :3

[farewell-persephone]

2, 21, 37, 48 😎

2. One of the most meaningful things someone has said to you?

tried to think of something more specific but just keep coming back to the fact that every time I see my friend Zach he tells me he loves me before we part ways. helps with the feeling that I'm a burden or an embarrassment that I always experience when I'm around anyone, especially this last time given everything that happened.

21. Share a song or two that you find calming?

this is harder than I thought it would be because "calming" kind of implies "neutral" to me and I just don't listen to music that makes me feel neutral. this is probably the closest I can think of. Japanese train nu-jazz

37. A show/game/book someone could consume to know you better?

show: maybe Dark idk

game: Fallout New Vegas

book: Acceptance by Jeff VanderMeer

48. Ah, 48. This question is very important

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart displayed scatological humour in his letters and multiple recreational compositions. This material has long been a puzzle for Mozart scholarship. Some scholars try to understand it in terms of its role in Mozart's family, his society and his times; others attempt to understand it as a result of an "impressive list"[2] of psychiatric conditions from which Mozart is claimed to have suffered.

Examples[edit]

Self-portrait in pencil of Maria Anna Thekla Mozart, from 1777 or 1778

A letter dated 5 November 1777[3] to Mozart's cousin Maria Anna Thekla Mozart is an example of Mozart's use of scatology. The German original[4] is in rhymed verse.

Well, I wish you good night, but first, Shit in your bed and make it burst. Sleep soundly, my love Into your mouth your arse you'll shove.[5]

Mozart's canon "Leck mich im Arsch" K. 231 (K6 382c) includes the lyrics:

Leck mich im A[rsch] g'schwindi, g'schwindi!

This would be translated into English as "lick me in the arse, quickly, quickly!"

"Leck mich im Arsch" is a standard vulgarism in German, euphemistically called the Swabian salute (German: schwäbischer Gruß). Although contemporary German would rather say "Leck mich am Arsch."[6] The closest English counterpart is "Kiss my arse".

Context[edit]

Musicologist David Schroeder writes:

The passage of time has created an almost unbridgeable gulf between ourselves and Mozart's time, forcing us to misread his scatological letters even more drastically than his other letters. Very simply, these letters embarrass us, and we have tried to suppress them, trivialize them, or explain them out of the epistolary canon with pathological excuses.[7]

For example, when Margaret Thatcher was apprised of Mozart's scatology during a visit to the theatre to see Peter Shaffer's play Amadeus, director Peter Hall relates:

She was not pleased. In her best headmistress style, she gave me a severe wigging for putting on a play that depicted Mozart as a scatological imp with a love of four-letter words. It was inconceivable, she said, that a man who wrote such exquisite and elegant music could be so foul-mouthed. I said that Mozart's letters proved he was just that: he had an extraordinarily infantile sense of humour ... "I don't think you heard what I said", replied the Prime Minister. "He couldn't have been like that". I offered (and sent) a copy of Mozart's letters to Number Ten the next day; I was even thanked by the appropriate Private Secretary. But it was useless: the Prime Minister said I was wrong, so wrong I was.[8]

Letters[edit]

Benjamin Simkin, an endocrinologist,[9] estimates that 39 of Mozart's letters include scatological passages. Almost all of these are directed to Mozart's own family, specifically his father Leopold, his mother Anna Maria, his sister Nannerl, and his cousin Maria Anna Thekla Mozart. According to Simkin, Leopold, Anna Maria and Nannerl also included scatological humour in their own letters.[10] Thus, Anna Maria wrote to her husband (26 September 1777; original is in rhyme):

Addio, ben mio. Keep well, my love. Into your mouth your arse you'll shove. I wish you good night, my dear, But first, shit in your bed and make it burst.[11]

Even the relatively straitlaced Leopold used a scatological expression in one letter.[12]

Several of Mozart's scatological letters were written to Maria Anna Thekla Mozart, his cousin (and probable love interest, according to the musicologist Maynard Solomon).[13] These are often called the "Bäsle letters", after the German word Bäsle, a diminutive form meaning "little cousin". In these letters, written after Mozart had spent a pleasant two weeks with his cousin in her native Augsburg,[14] the scatology is combined with word play and sexual references. American academic Robert Spaethling's rendered translation of part of a letter Mozart sent from Mannheim 5 November 1777:

Dearest cozz buzz! I have received reprieved your highly esteemed writing biting, and I have noted doted thy my uncle garfuncle, my aunt slant, and you too, are all well mell. We, too thank god, are in good fettle kettle ... You write further, indeed you let it all out, you expose yourself, you let yourself be heard, you give me notice, you declare yourself, you indicate to me, you bring me the news, you announce unto me, you state in broad daylight, you demand, you desire, you wish, you want, you like, you command that I, too, should could send you my Portrait. Eh bien, I shall mail fail it for sure. Oui, by the love of my skin, I shit on your nose, so it runs down your chin...[15]

One of the letters Mozart wrote to his father while visiting Augsburg reports an encounter Mozart and his cousin had with a priest named Father Emilian:

[He was] an arrogant ass and a simple-minded little wit of his profession ... finally when he was a little drunk, which happened soon, he started on about music. He sang a canon, and said: I have never in my life heard anything more beautiful ... He started. I took the third voice, but I slipped in an entirely different text: 'P[ater] E: o du schwanz, leck mich im arsch' ["Father Emilian, oh you prick, lick me in the arse"]. Sotto voce, to my cousin. Then we laughed together for another half hour.[16]

Music[edit]

Mozart's scatological music was most likely recreational and shared among a closed group of inebriated friends. All of it takes the form of canons (rounds), in which each voice enters with the same words and music following a delay after the previous voice. Musicologist David J. Buch writes:

It may seem strange that Mozart made fair copies, entered these items into his personal works catalogue (in which he tended to omit ephemeral works) and allowed them to be copied. The reason he favored these small and crude pieces in ways similar to his more serious and important works remains a mystery.[17]

Reactions of family and friends[edit]

Historian Lucy Coatman argues that Maria Anna Thekla and Mozart likely had a shared sense of humour, something which she believes has been "discounted throughout much of the historiography on this set of correspondence".[18]: 3  While scholars are not aware of her replies to her cousin, it can be assumed from what is known of their relationship and his continued correspondence that she was likely not offended by Mozart's vulgar references.

In 1798, Constanze sent her late husband's Bäsle letters to the publishers Breitkopf & Härtel, who at the time were gathering material in hopes of preparing a Mozart biography.[19] In the accompanying letter she wrote "Although in dubious taste, the letters to his cousin are full of wit and deserve mentioning, although they cannot of course be published in their entirety."[20] K.A. Aterman suggests that this ambivalence is a result of the "change in the taste and the 'refinement' spreading to, and in, the rising middle class" in the early 19th century.[21]

In the 18th century[edit]

Gottfried Prehauser, an actor of 18th-century Vienna, playing Hanswurst

Schroeder (1999) suggests that in the 18th century scatological humour was far more public and "mainstream". The German-language popular theatre of Mozart's time was influenced by the Italian commedia dell'arte and emphasized the stock character of Hanswurst, a coarse and robust character who would entertain his audience by pretending to eat large and unlikely objects (for instance, a whole calf), then defecating them.[22]

Schroeder suggests a political underlay to the scatology in popular theatre: its viewers lived under a system of hereditary aristocracy that excluded them from political participation. The vulgarity of scatological popular theatre was a counterpoint to the refined culture imposed from above.[23] One of Mozart's own letters describes aristocrats in scatological terms; he identified the aristocrats present at a concert in Augsburg (1777) as "the Duchess Smackarse, the Countess Pleasurepisser, the Princess Stinkmess, and the two Princes Potbelly von Pigdick".[24]

In German culture[edit]

The folklorist and cultural anthropologist Alan Dundes suggested that interest in or tolerance for scatological matters is a specific trait of German national culture, one which is retained to this day:[25]

In German folklore, one finds an inordinate number of texts concerned with anality. Scheiße (shit), Dreck (dirt), Mist (manure), Arsch (ass), and other locutions are commonplace. Folksongs, folktales, proverbs, folk speech—all attest to the Germans' longstanding special interest in this area of human activity. I am not claiming that other peoples of the world do not express a healthy concern for this area, but rather that the Germans appear to be preoccupied with such themes. It is thus not so much a matter of difference as it is of degree.[26]

Dundes (1984) provides ample coverage of scatological humor in Mozart, but also cites scatological texts from Martin Luther, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Heinrich Heine, and others who helped shaped German culture. Karhausen (1993) asserts that "scatology was common in Mitteleuropa [central Europe]", noting for instance that Mozart's Salzburg colleague Michael Haydn also wrote a scatological canon.[27]

Some of the phrases used by Mozart in his scatological material were not original with him but were part of the folklore and culture of his day: professor of German Mieder (2003) describes the Bäsle letters as involving "Mozart's intentional play with what is for the most part preformulated folk speech".[28] An example given by Robert Spaethling is the folkloric origin of a phrase seen above, "Gute Nacht, scheiß ins Bett dass' Kracht", claimed by Spaethling to be a "children's rhyme that is still current in south German language areas today".[29] Likewise, when Mozart sang to Aloysia Weber the words "Leck mich das Mensch im Arsch, das mich nicht will" ("Whoever doesn't want me can lick my arse") on the occasion of being romantically rejected by her, he was evidently singing an existing folk tune, not a song of his own invention.[30]

Medical accounts[edit]

An early 20th-century observer who suspected that Mozart's scatological materials could be interpreted by psychological pathologies was the Austrian writer Stefan Zweig, who amassed a large collection of musical manuscripts. His collection included the Bäsle letters (at the time, unpublished) as well as the autographs of Mozart's scatological canons "Difficile lectu" and "O du eselhafter Peierl".[31] Zweig sent copies of the Bäsle letters to the psychiatrist Sigmund Freud with the following suggestion:

These nine letters ... throw a psychologically very remarkable light on his erotic nature, which, more so than any other important man, has elements of infantilism and coprophilia. It would actually be a very interesting study for one of your pupils.[32]

Freud apparently declined Zweig's suggestion. As Schroeder notes, later psychobiographers seized on the letters as evidence for psychopathological tendencies in Mozart.[33]

Some authors in the 1990s interpreted the material as evidence that Mozart had Tourette syndrome (TS).[34] Simkin catalogued the scatological letters and compared their frequencies with similar vulgarisms from other members of Mozart's family—they are far more frequent. The scatological materials were combined by Simkin with biographical accounts from Mozart's own time that suggested that Mozart suffered from the tics characteristic of Tourette syndrome.[35] His claim was picked up by newspapers worldwide, causing an international sensation, and internet websites have fueled the speculation.[36]

While often discussed, the Mozart/Tourette hypothesis has failed to sway mainstream opinion on this issue. Indeed, German psychiatrist Thomas Kammer (2007) states that the work proposing the hypothesis has been "promptly and harshly" criticized.[2] The critical commentary asserts both medical misdiagnosis and errors of Mozart scholarship.[37] Kammer concluded that "Tourette's syndrome is an inventive but implausible diagnosis in the medical history of Mozart". Evidence of motor tics was found lacking and the notion that involuntary vocal tics are transferred to the written form was labeled "problematic".[2] Neurologist and author Oliver Sacks published an editorial disputing Simkin's claim,[38] and the Tourette Syndrome Association pointed out the speculative nature of this information.[36] No Tourette's syndrome expert or organization has voiced concurrence that there is credible evidence to conclude that Mozart had Tourette's.[39] One TS specialist stated that "although some websites list Mozart as an individual who had Tourette's or OCD, it's not clear from the descriptions of his behavior that he actually had either".[40]

Coatman, who supports a social and philological explanation of Mozart's scatology, has suggested that such retrospective diagnoses reveal a problem with the perusal of letters as a genre. Following ethicist Osamu Muramoto,[41]. she states that "retrospecive diagnosis can be challenged not only on an epistemic level but also on the ontological and ethical ones".[18]: 5  She notes that by projecting modern sensibilities back onto the letters, scholars from a range of fields have "failed to understand the historical context, language usage of eighteenth-century Salzburg, and indeed, the personality of Mozart".[18]: 2 

Scatological materials[edit]

In letters[edit]

Benjamin Simkin's compilation lists scatological letters by Mozart to the following individuals:[35]

his father, Leopold Mozart: twenty letters

his wife, Constanze Mozart: six letters

his cousin Maria Anna Thekla Mozart: six letters

his sister Maria Anna Mozart (Nannerl): four letters

his mother Anna Maria Mozart: one letter

his mother and sister jointly: one letter

his Salzburg friend Abbé Joseph Bullinger: one letter

his friend, the choirmaster Anton Stoll, for whom he wrote Ave verum corpus: one letter

In music[edit]

The canons were first published after Mozart's death with bowdlerized lyrics;[citation needed] for instance, "Leck mir den Arsch fein rein" ("Lick me in the arse nice and clean") became "Nichts labt mich mehr als Wein" ("Nothing refreshes me more than wine"). In some cases, only the first line of the original scatological lyrics is preserved. The following list is ordered by Köchel catalog number. Voices and conjectured dates are from Zaslaw & Cowdery (1990:101–105); and links marked "score" lead to the online edition of the Neue Mozart-Ausgabe.

"Leck mich im Arsch" ("Lick me in the arse"), K. 231 (K6 382c), for six voices. (Score). Composed some time in the 1780s. First published as "Lass froh uns sein" ("Let us be joyful").

"Leck mir den Arsch fein recht schön sauber" ("Lick my arse right well and clean"), K. 233 (K6 382d). (Score). First published as "Nichts labt mich mehr als Wein" ("Nothing pleases me more than wine"). The music of this canon was once thought to be by Mozart but was shown in 1988 by Wolfgang Plath to be by Wenzel Trnka, originally to the Italian words "Tu sei gelosa, è vero".[42] As the editors of the Neue Mozart-Ausgabe note, the work almost certainly should be considered a work of Mozart's, but as the author of the lyrics rather than as the composer.[43]

"Bei der Hitz im Sommer eß ich" ("In the heat of summer I eat"), K. 234 (K6 382e). (Score). As with K. 233, the music is not by Mozart; originally it was the canon "So che vanti un cor ingrato" by Wenzel Trnka.[citation needed]

"Gehn wir im Prater, gehn wir in d' Hetz", K. 558, for four voices. (Score). 1788 or earlier.

Difficile lectu mihi Mars, K. 559, for three voices. (Score). C. 1786–1787.

O du eselhafter Peierl, ("Oh, you asinine Peierl") for four voices, K. 560a. (Score). C. 1786–1787. A slightly revised version, "O du eselhafter Martin", is catalogued as K. 560b.

"Bona nox" ("Good night") K. 561, for four voices. (Score). 1788 or earlier.

[novasdarling]

Can I please request for Gojo and Shinsou infantilizing their gf starting off with something small then slowly getting them to do everything for them from feeding, dressing to even sexual stuff (helping them get off and what not). And their gf is trying to resist this all please! Thank you! 💕💕💕

Idk why, but I kept rewriting this, took me so long. So I did headcanons instead, sorry if that's not what you want. Also for some reason, Tumblr was being a little bitch when making this post, putting things in the wrong order so hopefully, I fixed it all

Don't Baby Me

TW: Unhealthy Relationship, Breaking of Reader, Smut/Noncon, Infanlization, Aged up!

Gojo and Shinsou

Gojo

His way of infantilizing isn’t the classical way we all think of. No, in a sense it’s worse. Gojo desires you to need him in the way of fear. He wants you to go to him and stay with him cause you can’t defend yourself. He’s the only one who can. He’s the only one who can protect you and take care of you. Once he has you dependent on him for protection, the rest comes rather easily.

Eventually, you had nothing without him. He made sure he got you fired from your job, not that you knew. And if that didn’t work, if you kept fighting him. Gojo might just need to protect you from some curses, and show you how much you need him. Of course, it's just a horrible accident that you got to attack, you’re lucky he was there to save you. Imagine if he wasn’t? Bit by bit he would make sure that you’d be too scared to be alone, too afraid to be without him.

It wasn’t his aim to infantilise you, at least not this as much. It was just sort of something that happened. He was trying to ease your workload and help you relax when he realized he loved how you looked at him when you saw what he’d done. The pay you held things out when you needed his help. It just got his heart racing.

Bit by bit he did more and more. It became about control for him. You had always been so hard-headed that having some sense of control over you made him just fall in love with it.

He cooked, deciding what you ate and what you didn’t. Getting you dressed, picking your clothes. Gojo even bathed you. Washing your hair and body. Stating you never did it right on your own. Always messing up and not rinsing the soap off properly. Or the clothes you got yourself wasn't doing you any favours. Sometimes his words were rather cruel.

Then he would try to fill your schedule with him. Slowly you were rarely alone. Besides when you still worked, but even then he would visit at lunch when he could. Though your job eventually just annoyed him. It had to go. Soon it was all about him and being by his side.

It annoyed him how you seemed so upset when he tried to get you to leave work or leave being with your friends when he had already made plans for a weekend getaway without asking if you were free. Your attitude was always to brush him off.

It only got worse when you moved in, that was an invitation for him to completely pry and rip apart your life. Privacy was gone now. No matter how much you fought.

Gojo found your attempts to have a say in what happens as cute. It was cute that you thought you could take care of yourself. What an adorable little thing.

Sex was another aspect where his control seeped into. After all, control is something that gets Gojo off. He likes to see you needing him, helpless without him. He can teach you what to do, teach you how to feel good. Even if you don’t like how he talks to you. How he talks down to you. Push his hands away, that’s fine. In the end, he’ll get his way and “help you”. You just can never do anything right on your own, he's there to help.

Overall, he does it slowly. It all happens maybe over a couple of months. He’s busy, so it takes some time, though the protection part happens first and faster than the rest. The other parts happen after that when he realizes how nice it is to have you so dependent on him. He likes both infantilizing you with the big things and the small things. Getting you to depend on him for a roof over your head and food. But also making you useless when it comes to things like taking care of yourself. Sure he lets you cook when you start acting right. But that’s about it. Even then, he doesn't let you use any knives, stating they're too dangerous.

He brushes your hair, your teeth, dresses you. He needs it all. Breaking you first isn’t hard for him. He enjoys the little persona of ms. tough with him. Likes watching it fall when you realize you can't even remember the last time you tied your own shoes.

Shinsou

Shinsou is different from Gojo, very different. To him, he’s never too busy to get what he wants. And he knows what he wants. Over a few weeks, he’ll already be fully babying you, fully treating you like you know nothing and can’t do anything without him.

He’ll use the hero persona to get you to trust him. To see what he’s doing is just to protect you and you fall for it. You believe him for a short while. Believe he’s just trying to help, keeping you safe by asking you not to go out at night. Then it’s not to go to certain places without him. And those seem reasonable to you. It can be dangerous at night, and those areas have high crime rates anyway. But then he takes it too far.

Soon he demands that you two move in. Even if it’s been a few weeks of dating. Your place mysteriously gets broken, and the cops aren't able to catch the criminal. Meaning they're still out there. If that doesn't work, well he's sure the repeated offence will work. Fear is a good tactic to get you to leave. He hates it, sort of, he feels bad for scaring you to get you to move in with him, but it’s needed. You’re too damn stubborn to break.

Once he has you with him he tries to get you to cut back work hours, making you late, causing issues at your work. Anything to either get you fired or get you to quit. Shinsou is upset that you don’t want to depend on him. Why can’t you just let him take care of the money? Relax and trust him.

Yet he can’t lie, you’re stubborn nature riles him up. It’s hot, he doesn’t mind taming you. Showing you that you're just putting on an act. That you're not capable of all of this.

Getting you to stay home was difficult, you even threatened to break things off. But once you lost your job, he knew it wouldn’t be easy for you to leave. To find a new place, to get a new job. He had you where he wanted. Stuck with him.

Shinsou’s control dips into the bedroom as well. He likes seeing you helpless. Seeing you beg for him, even if it’s like pulling teeth to get you too. However, once he shows you just how good he can make you feel, you seem to cool down a bit for him. A little bit more time and he’s sure you’ll stop with this little fight and just let him take care of you.

It's almost adorable how you don't know what you want. That you don't even realize how good he can be.

Shinsou isn’t too much into the small things like getting you dressed or brushing your teeth. No, he wants you to depend on him for the big things. To make you this helpless thing when it comes to the things that truly matter in life. Once he gets in your head and gets you to forget how to pay bills or do a job. Then he knows he has you dependent on him just like he wants. Stay home and take care of the house, though he doesn’t mind if you just stay home and sleep. Clueless without him. He’ll take what he can.

Support me on ko-fi

[mbti-enemies]

I saw the "most INFP being too nice" thing and I want to share an opinion that will probably make me look like an ass but I wanna say it whatsoever

(gonna give you some context/an example first to justify my argument)

I - an ENTP - went over to an INFP friend's house and we made a bet on this show we were watching, on the 3rd day I won the bet and she was sleeping when it happened, I got excited about it and went to wake her up, she said I could "take the money from her wallet and let her go back to sleep because she was tired", I kept insisting her to wake up, hitting her with a pillow, turning the lights on and off, messing up her hair, jumping on the bed, but it was all playful, at some point she raised her voice just slightly and asked me to "leave her alone for 10 minutes because she was tired" and I said "okay, do what you want then" and left a little annoyed, but nothing beyond

about 5 minutes later she came up to me with watering eyes to "aPoLogizE" for making me upset and not giving me the attention I wanted or some shit, said she couldn't go back to sleep after our ""argument""

I was so mad because that's what people mean when they say INFPs are manipulative, there's no way she was feeling that guilty about what happened, she probably just wanted to make a scene and make ME feel bad about it, they're not that sensitive, they just want to manipulate other people's feelings because that's how they act, they're not as good as you make them seem.

this whole drama is annoying as f, be honest it's not that big deal

(warning note i end up rambling and it goes off on a personal streak. sometimes when things go such the information i give might not be relevant so discard whatever is necessary. could i also request no one ask any personal questions related to whatever i write thank youuu)

hi infj here. nope nope you don't look like an ass dw ha i mean... idk i have so many things to say to this i mean.... where do i start....

to be honest? your description of infp reminds me of.... well, regretfully, myself... one of my worst traits. **laughs a lil dryly** and i can speak freely about it now intj knows this terrible part of me. your description of the situation reminds of... one fun time me and intj had. honestly i don't even remember what it was about except that i was being prick *gets lost in thought* oh actually never mind i remembered...

anyways.

mbti-wise i always chalked my manipulative sadness down to ni-fe.... it's the ni which plans and manipulates and the Fe which is attuned to others feelings... i can't really see how it would work in an infp (fi ne should be more direct) so maybe give them a check that they're not an infj.

i've also only really just started noticing and acknowledging that i do it... it's so hard sometimes to figure out why you're doing things (e.g being sad over something small) when you don't want to know the truth. and then the truth disappears from your head, the self-generated emotions become reality.... the mental-emotional world is so slippery. manipulation can happen subconsciously, at least for me (even in a positive way when you want to make someone happy or make yourself likeable when meeting someone new....)

from the situation, it seems to me infp must've felt a little bad for asking you to leave her alone... but then it got a little complicated in their head. with the complications the emotions just grew and got blown out of proportion....

small place where i must pick up on your words- you said "because that's how they act". i mean of course it's someone's own responsibility if they're being manipulative, but im not sure it's a 'just because' sort of thing. i like to think their are few people who would be manipulative and make someone feel bad just for the hell of it....

for me? for me it's generally due to a want for comfort. it's.... that's it. perhaps it's not even Ni-Fe driven but more childish, infantile, like when baby's cry in order to be held. it's..... not good. and so much worse than a baby obviously because i can use my words and push and pull someone else and manipulate them into giving me comfort. this manipulation is definitely Ni-Fe for me though. but anyways, and it's terrible. (sorry again about that time intj). it's worse when you're older because the emotions get more complicated and tiwsted and other things get pulled in to the mess (leading one to want the other person to feel bad and say twisted things like sorry for "not giving [you] the attention [you] wanted")

i wonder how things progressed in your little situ if you got visibly mad. dude getting mad is like the worst emotion to feel here not gonna lie i mean infp will just feel justified for their tears. intj got mad and i owned up and it was fine, but it's hard to see youself, hard to own up. if i hadn't owned up and kept feeling sorry for myself i don't know if it would've been fine.

small note to anyone else reading this far before continuing: i don't think sadness is always manipulative, i don't want anyone to feel like they can't feel their emotions. please, please, be kind to yourselves no matter what, be understanding.

anyways back to mbti to wrap up from my long personal ramble of thoughts. not totally sure that this thing ur describing is an infp thing. mine is connected to my infj functions pretty sure but perhaps not for your infp. still do think that out of types most likely to "be too nice" infp is quite high on the list, but being too nice ≠ never being hurtful and definitely does not equal not having flaws. niceness a blob in a system of personality traits, and it is by no means everything. perhaps, arguably, it's not even the same as kindness, which on the other hand, is something that goes much much further than just niceness does.

[uncanny-tranny]

hii,, so .. I rlly don’t know who else to ask.. I hope this is ok to ask- if not.. do u know anyone (or resources) else I cld talk to or get advice from? I’m rlly confused abt if im a trans guy (or transmasc nb) or not :(. I know u can’t tell me if I am, but maybe you’d have some advice for me? basically,, idk if I’m just really attracted to men or if I Am a man lol. or like if I’m fetishizing mlm ppl .. am I? I just.. I see mlm relationshiso and I feel connected I feel like That’s Me.. and I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man as a woman, but as a man! and I hear male singers.. and I Want their voice.. I want to sing.. but as a guy.. and things have got me thinking again that ..I kinda want amab genitalia? I used to rlly want to go on T and have bottom surgery tbh,, and I’m thinking abt it again... I’m like jealous? and whenever I hear men talk abt their genitalia/puberty .. I get this weird jealous uncomfortable feeling? and I feel like I have to match them in a way. I also have always been uncomfortable with p*riods, my name, and just simply saying words relating to afab anatomy.. but idk if it’s rlly dysohroia or what. I also rather terms like “prince, king, boy, husband” .. I feel kinda fine with my body? Maybe even like it at times.. maybe even feel like a wlw woman at times! but I also want it to b a lil different .. and I also don’t know what I wanna look like .. I kinda wanna still look feminine/be a gnc guy/so gnc that I look like a girl.. but also wanna look masculine and like a guy?? I’m confused .. just recently I’ve been jealous of male bottom stuff.. that I won’t get to experience that .. even with surgery- surgery isn’t good enough for me .. and like at the same time- I’m fine with my parts! maybe soemtimes like them ..so umm like idk if being a guy is rlly what I want or if I’m just rlly attracted to men lol.. I can’t picture myself in the future or whatever as anything.. it’s hard to imagine things..idk who I am.. like what if I’m not even a guy- I just like guys a lot so it’s making me feel like I am?... idk... plus Um big problem: I’m dating a straight man...

In my opinion, fetishization in in part objectification and/or infantilization and/or idealizing stereotypes of gay/mspec men. I'll establish that first so that we have that worked out.

Questioning is hard, especially since there are an infinite number of trans identities and experiences. It can be hard to pinpoint what you feel or what you're happy with. Being honest with yourself and giving yourself the space to openly question how you feel can be helpful.

It sounds like there are things you deserve to address. You can be trans and okay with your body, and still prefer typical masculine identifiers (as it seems you are from what I've read). What has always been helpful for me personally is to just,,, watch videos of trans and gnc cis people talking about their experiences. When I was questioning, I watched everything I could from trans and nonbinary guys and even some cis gnc women. It helped me sift through my feelings (it's been years, so it's hazy, but I distinctly remember watching Jammidodger, Contrapoints, and Ashton Daniel on YouTube, who were all helpful for me).

I'm going to say now that questioning can be messy. And that's okay. There are many emotions to work through, and so so many questions you'll want to answer. But know now that sometimes things can be too complex to be answered with a concise idea. This is your time to see how you feel - and the internet can be a good place to start! I've found that for me, it's easier to say who I am online because of the anonymity the internet provides. I've been able to see what works best for me in the comfort of my own space, away from my real life, which I find to have too many risks personally.

I can't tell you what the "correct" identity is for you, of course, and I'll never have that power. Only you do. And I think... you'll know what feels right when you get to it. Not just in a way where you can go, "this will do, I guess" but in a way where you can say, "I feel home." That takes time, but if you are willing to take that leap, I think you have all the strength you need to question yourself in a healthy manner.

[tiffgeorgina]

what did you think of the new episode???

OH LORD i had a lotttt of thoughts on this episode, understandably. CONTENT WARNING FOR DISCUSSIONS OF SUICIDE AT THE VERY BOTTOM OF THIS POST (it’s a long paragraph). also obviously spoiler warning for 2x08.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

please reach out to somebody if you’re feeling distressed after this episode, or if you or a loved one is considering self harm or suicide. im always here if you need somebody to vent or talk to. i love you all and i would be devastated if anything happened to any of you. 

anyways, episode discussion below:

-first of all, the corgina scene at the very beginning was PRICELESS. tiff and corkie had it DOWN until tiff lost her cool. i was DYING. casey wilson invented the word “fuck.”

-marcus/dawn and connie/mo double date. this whole scene had me CACKLING. marcus being such a comrade was not at all what i expected. the three-on-one connie smackdown i could not BREATHE. also includes classic moments such as “we’re doing black shit right now keith” and regina stealing every scene she’s in. also WOMEN xosha roquemore (connie) in dark lipstick is the best part of s2 prove me wrong

-also kind of out of order but dawn calling mo her best friend did not sit right... like in my soul. it’s like inherently wrong. so STRANGE to hear her say that.

-but connie sucks at being subtle lmfao dawn was not having any of that 

-“i can’t vote. im a felon” just out of nowhere GOD. and the fact that that’s the first time dawn’s learning that mo went to prison is fucked up. i’ve never seen a woman want a man to shut up so badly, and i’ve never been so glad that said man did not shut up lmfao

-tiff and blair’s apartment looks so good yes god!! also this season keeps referencing blair’s parents and it’s kind of putting me on edge. especially since next episode is “blair [being] forced to revisit his past.” on another note, andrew’s voice in this scene is SO FUNNY. you can tell he’s a voice actor i think

-also like we knew blair was into older men but now we like know lmfao. the richard gere jokes had LAYERS these writers outsold

-ok blair&tiff’s relationship... yikes. i cannot tell what the writers want their relationship to be. are they unhealthy and toxic and bad to each other? or are they platonic soulmates and life partners? make up your MIND, showtime.

-DON’T INFANTILIZE THE CUP BYE KJDFHGDFKJ

-first blarris scene was TENSE. acting good

-the confirmation that roger has kids... i mean i suspected it from the moment tuc’s character was announced in september but it makes the ending so much more painful. i KNOW that’s the only reason why they pushed the fact that the harrises are parents in this episode, bc it was never confirmed earlier.

-i hate how funny michael hitchcock is. im trying to hate newell but im laughing. why are his lines so funny who wrote this. 

-the sound design in this episode was a lot to take in. the music was intense asf and it stays intense throughout the whole ep

-keith cracking onto blair and trying to reconcile with him bc he’s feeling empathetic but blair shutting him down... can’t say keith doesn’t deserve it but i would’ve loved to have seen keith and blair just talk about being closeted and having affairs and shit.

-THE TRUMP CHILDREN LMFAOOOO they all look so smug the casting was great this ep

-mo shit talking connie TO HER FACE bc he knows connie can’t give up the act... fucking priceless i love to see it acab

-dawnroe physical contact hhhhh can you tell im rewatching this ep as i type this

-the wording on the “you’re with the FBI?” line is so perfect. bc it makes it totally sound like dawn’s onto mo and connie when really she’s just like “you’re siding with the FBI bitch?” highkey genius line

-posted this too early by accident oops. im still editing im not done yet lmfao

-MARCUS MO AND DAWN SAID ACAB FUCK YES

-ROGER GRABBING BLAIR’S HAND I AM ASCENDING. i knew about the hand holding scene there but i didn’t think roger would initiate it <3

-roger nearly kissing blair :’/

-LORD the trump children are little shits god

-daddy says it makes me look hot. you mean cute? ...no.

-oh GOD not this blarris scene. i like to believe that a gay person generally wouldn’t threaten to out another gay person on principle, but blair has shown how shitty of a person he's become all season. i hate it and it’s still ooc but i’ve seen worse on this show tbh.

-roger’s got a point, if he supports his campaign fund manager right off the bat, he’ll look like a total fraud and his career will be over. the fact that blair barely gives a shit really speaks to what his character has become. “fuck them” what a classic line

-ANDREW’S ACTING!!! his voice when he says “you use me” ugh i felt that in my chest. plus roger looking away after he says that... i mean god this cast is so talented

-blair snapping god. he’s got a point, he and roger have been dysfunctional asf all season. doesn’t justify threatening to out somebody AT ALL but finally hearing some emotion out of blair, a little bit of anger and frustration, it’s refreshing.

-does “who are you, blair?” count as a parallel to “who are you, pfaff?” from 1x01?

-blair outing roger to newell... yikes. again ooc and bad. blair’s a shitty guy but we’ve seen him have empathy before, even in s2. why would they make him do this i don’t get it.

-keith finding out about lenny is good. maybe something will finally come of this arc?

-parallel to 2x02 with blair mentioning his mom’s phrase, cool. probably gearing us up for more references to his parents next ep, culminating in a flashback to his childhood in 2x10.

-this scene where the trump kids are destroying everything is classic. you can genuinely tell that everybody there was having so much fun shooting that. idk, it’s nice.

-trump reveal HA what a great end to that scene

-keith coming by and fucking everything up... i mean i guess everybody KNOWS now. dawn/marcus is over (good) and dawn is probably right pissed at mo rn. but hey, fuck em all resurgence!!! ive been waiting for it and now it’s here!

-im scared, what’s connie gonna do? fuck cops

-“that’s a long way to go just to get a dig in” “it was a stretch but-” see what happens when you’re a narc? you lose your wit :/ sad! nice exit line from connie tho

-CW SUICIDE MENTION. ok time to talk about what definitely needs to be talked about. god this has had my chest hurting all day yesterday. i knew blarris would be outed eventually bc sho likes to milk every plot point for every bit of drama they can get out of it, but i did not expect roger to take his life. and blair finding him is just devastating. i said this on twt, but the fact that somebody could be so overwhelmed with internalized homophobia that being outed could cause them to commit suicide is so incredibly and deeply sad to me. i’ve been crying for a while over that fact. 

im just. im really sad. i’ve connected so much with these characters over the past two-ish years and this is such a devastating turn of events. i have no words. it isn’t bad writing or ooc by any means, it’s just so extremely and incredibly sad. there are probably thousands of people who have been in roger’s exact position before, and the realism really hits me hard. i can’t put into words how overwhelming sad this makes me. 

also pretty upset that this came as a COMPLETE shock to me and all my friends. we all watched on the sho streaming service, which did not have the “viewer discretion advised” card before the ep. the premier did, but the episode on the app did not. i really REALLY wish they had added that before i had seen the episode so i could prepare myself, even if just slightly. also wish they had added a suicide hotline number at the end. 

seeing blair grieve his loss is going to hurt but it’s probably going to give us closure too. i think about this show all the time, and now thinking about it makes me so overwhelmingly sad. i sound dramatic but this show has been with me for so long. not being able to see much of blair’s reaction beside the initial shock has been haunting me. im so scared for what the future episodes are going to bring.

thank you for reading, i love you all <3

[tonyglowheart]

This entire thing is a rant, feel free to ignore it, but I saw your post about how destiel fans can’t win in this context, and yeah. So have some rambles.

I’ve been thinking about the fact we (current spn/destiel fans) can’t win all night... I’ve seen so many people talking about how homophobic it is - and while I would very much like to argue, as every point I’ve seen made by a non-spn fan has been wrong so far, if I did everyone inside the fandom would agree and everyone outside would either call me straight or pity me for believing it’s okay.

(Cas wasn’t even sent to hell lmao. He was sent to angel death (the empty), a place he has escaped in the past. Other points, like that meta about spn has been predicting exactly this for months, that Dean ended up sobbing on the floor because he was so upset, like that death means next to nothing on spn, like that there is two episodes left, etc etc. you feel me right? I just don’t want to post wank to other spn blogs atm, we’re getting enough frustration as it is, no need to add to it.

It’s also worth pointing out that the bar is very, very low. Spn is a prominent TV show - not a Netflix show, or indie, or whatever - and it just said “main character in gay love saved the world”. [insert gif of ghostfacers dude saying that gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day here]

I just saw someone saying that spn having Naomi try to brainwash Cas out of loving dean makes spn homophobic (it is a conversion therapy parallel). My first response to that is that Naomi was the villain lmao? I guess we can’t write villains doing anything homophobic because having villains do homophobic things makes, uh - checks notes - villains look homophobic, and clearly we can’t have that.

There certainly are legitimate things to criticise spn about, but this isn’t it lol.

Also now some people are unironically trying to cancel Jensen because “his acting was homophobic, and so he’s clearly homophobic”, nevermind that he’s an actor and his character struggles with understanding his emotions (which I think he played excellently, myself. That scene had a very Dean delayed emotional response), nevermind the support he’s given to us queers in the past. Like. Idek man.

We would have been laughed at if we got no destiel, too.

It would have been worse, had the writers pulled a dumbledore. At this point I also trust the writers not to pull a GoT - they have explicitly criticised that ending in spn’s canon.

Spn’s writers did that by making the main villain of this season, Chuck / God, say GoT had a good ending. To reiterate a previous point I had: villains do bad things because they’re bad. And the bad things they do make them bad. For the people out there not still following, if someone does something in a story and it makes them a villain, that is explicitly telling you the story (and probably the writers) thinks that thing is bad. In this case, Chuck likes to write things for him, and we the audience have been shown and told that is bad.

Apparently thinking a gay confession is good in 2020 makes me straight. Seems unlikely, but whatever. Sorry for the length, I guess I went overboard, I’ve been holding it in lol. Anyway, DESTIEL IS CANON 💚💙 hope you have a good night

Helloo supernatural anon I hope you are living your best life right now. Yeah I’m like..... skeptical and leery myself but having lived through some absolute garbage discourse that is general purity wank, as well as the C/QL greater fandom here and on Twitter I find myself... much more wanting to question the “general wisdom” of things esp in terms of negativity, bc a lot of the time I find.... it’s wrong? Like so wrong. Or at least presents such an incomplete picture of the whole situation and also presents it in such a removed context that words that have meaning and are operationalized in a certain way for a reason, no longer have meaningful usage.

Anyway I don’t... know too much about the specifics of Spn but someone I follow is into it and talks a lot about the Gnostic stuff and that all was very fascinating to me, and I also have been grappling a lot with cultural Christianity bc of cmedia and the way ppl just *clenches fist* unthinkingly or uncritically slap some Christian norms on it and call it a day 😩 help I’m Tired. My thing here being... I actually got tired of the uncritical “superhell”s at some pt bc I am, in fact, incredibly exhausted with cultural Christianity, and because it does seem like, even possibly(?) without the Gnostic stuff it’s different from a “hell” or other Protestant-derived afterlife concept, and also yeah that it wasn’t seeded out of nowhere, it was set up to happen, which then... lends credence to the idea that whatever the current era of Spn is doing, the current showrunners are doing it with purpose.

And idk I just... refuse to believe the concept that ALL of the fans of Spn - esp the ones who have been following it still, or got back into it and are following it currently, are acting under delusion or are fooling themselves into liking it or thinking it’s good or whatever. I personally find that kinda infantilizing and patronizing and playing into issues of dismissing things women and/or other marginalized identities like.

Plus I find the concept that (from what I think I’ve been seeing Spn fans say) that the current era of the show is quite actively grappling with itself, its past, its legacy. to be very interesting and compelling; it hearkens back to like an old lore kind of feeling, of a thing that has grown into a nigh undefeatable monster and realizing that, also realizing that the only way to defeat itself is through grappling with its own nature and transforming and transmuting itself into something else. I personally find that more plausible and compelling than “Supernatural has been actively and continuously queerbaiting for 15 homophobic homophobic years., so right now we’re all very sorry for you because this maybe is no longer queerbaiting but it’s still homophobic and it can never be anything different ever.” I’ve been sort of tangentially aware of Spn thru the years and didn’t we agree, around the time of that in-universe play about Spn and with the lil Destiel shoutout, that Spn has come a ways as far as coming to terms with its fandom and working to treat its fans better? Why the sudden regression into “oh no, Supernatural is and forever will be homophobic and a hate crime”? 🤔 

The rest under a cut bc the ask is already long and then my rambling will get longer-

But yeah I mean..... I get that the legacy of Supernatural has been certifiably Rough, but I think people also forget how different of a time 2005 was? Hell, how different of a time 2015 was, even, prior to, say, Obergefell v. Hodges. Now I’m not saying that to blanket-excuse Supernatural, but like, you look at mainstream shows from the era and... there’s a lot of shit lmao. The fact that Supernatural has existed this long seems to me like.... maybe we CAN look at how it’s developed through the years vs just insisting it is what it was 15, 10, hell, 5 years ago. Especially since, to my knowledge, there’s been showrunner changes? Which seems to me like it would... affect things? I mean honestly, I remember back when I got into Spn for a hot second because of Castiel, I remember watching panel, Q&A, etc vids thru the years, and like... I thought we agreed that... it was the fans who were going a bit far pushing the shipping question like literally ALL the time to the actors, who are not in control of the show and.... like at the time.... that could have had personal implications for them? And yes homophobia bad, and people can still be allies despite that, but again like.... I do feel like - from what I’ve seen - that these guys were NOT ready to deal with a lot of that but they’ve (okay Jensen I’m talking about Jensen here) genuinely grown and learned? Also how many years ago was the essay autograph thing that people keep trotting out, like what year was it in and what year of spn was it, and what were the prevailing opinions on LGBT issues and bisexuality then.

I’ve been seeing some murmurings of identity politicsing surrounding ppl who enjoy Supernatural, and I’m sorry that that’s happening to you, it really fucking sucks and it’s also the dumbest way to “make” or “win” an argument because it shouldn’t ever be a final determiner, just factors to consider when considering what life experiences might have informed someone else’s PoV and views as well as maybe how you can better communicate with them. Instead of it being a “weapon” or “tool” to either dismiss someone or de facto validate an argument.

Also yeah I get it that you don’t want to send discourse to spn blogs bc I imagine you guys ARE actively grappling with all the bs rn and it’s a lot. Even just from like, the stuff I see around, I’m like tired of it. I’m genuinely having more fun with ppl who are having a good time with Supernatural than the ppl who are hating on it, even in this sort of backhanded “oh we’re not clowning YOU we’re clowning the writers and showrunners who think you should be satisfied with this,” when... yeah? the people who HAVE been watching the show and therefore... know what’s up.. DO seem to be? And all this based on *fake gasp* context. And that’s where the backhandedness becomes kind of poisonous to me, because it implies that it IS bad, and that you SHOULDN’T be satisfied, but poor little you are but don’t worry, we’re not making fun of YOU for liking garbage, you’re just the hapless victim who is consuming the garbage bc... idk, whatever reasons ppl are coming up with ig.

idk man it’s 2020. Fandom isn’t activism, performative or otherwise, it’s okay to let people enjoy things even if you think they’re “objectively” bad, and like... I don’t know if people can call something bad when they’re not even working with the whole context and instead are dealing with rumor and reputation. 

[marinsawakening]

I love your blog and your autistic and aro headcanons! I just wanted to ask: I'm [probably] not an autistic person but sometimes yours and other autistic people's headcanons and writing about experiences inspire my own autistic character headcanons. I worry I should not be making these headcanons (in case I'm misinterpreting your experiences or being unintentionally Terrible) but if you have any advice on this I'd be grateful! No worries if not, as well. Keep being your fantastic self

This is a really sweet message thank you so much! As a general rule, there’s nothing wrong with allistics making autistic headcanons; in fact, I’d personally really like to see that be something that grows more mainstream, because it’d mean normalization of autistic headcanons/characters and show a general growing interest in actually learning about autism. So please, do go ahead and make your headcanons! There’s no problem with them!

That said, it’s also unfortunately true that some allistics (often a lot of them) who make autistic headcanons can fall into some common ableist (or not necessarily ableist but still kind of unfortunate) pitfalls, so in case you’re worried about that (although honestly the fact that you sent this ask in the first place probably means that you’re good anyway), here’s some tips and tricks to avoid common issues with allistic autistic headcanons (there’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one):

Please don’t use functioning labels for your autistic characters. Functioning labels are labels like ‘high-functioning’ and ‘low-functioning’, and they’re generally considered to be bad by the autistic community for a variety of reasons (more here (although most of the links are dead), here, here (under ‘We Are One Community’), here). However, I’ve noticed a lot of allistics (and ignorant autistics too) who add these onto their headcanons. Please don’t? 

More of a personal thing, but please don’t separate your autistic headcanons into ‘Aspergers’ and ‘autism’. Aspergers is autism, and with the updated DSM, does not exist anymore and has been merged into the overarching diagnosis of ASD. Classifying specific characters as ‘aspies’ is alienating to autistics who aren’t aspies. If aspies themselves headcanon characters as aspies I don’t mind, but when allistics do it I get Suspicious. 

This also goes for separating your autism diagnosis into ‘PDD-NOS’ and ‘classical autism’, but I pretty much never see that so it has lower priority.

Full disclosure though: I have very negative experiences with the Aspergers diagnosis in general and I hate it so much that I have ‘aspie’, ‘aspergers’, and ‘aspergers syndrome’ just straight up blacklisted. I’m not an unbiased source here. 

While we’re on the topic of correct language usage, please use identity first language for your autistic headcanon, not person first language (identity first: autistic person; person first: person with autism). The majority of the autistic community prefers identity first language because we don’t feel like our autism can be separated from who we are (more here, here). 

Also maybe refrain from using the phrases ‘ASD’, ‘on the spectrum’, ‘somewhere on the autism spectrum’, etc. and just use ‘autistic’ instead. There’s nothing inherently Problematic(TM) about those phrases, but it’s really weird to read an entire autistic headcanon that doesn’t use the word autistic, or seems to want to avoid using it. 

Don’t use infantilizing language! Maybe think twice before calling your autistic headcanon a ‘precious baby’ or a ‘smol child’ or something, especially if they’re a grown adult. I mean, doing this once in the tags of a post when they’re being cute or something is fine, but do NOT do this on posts where you talk about them being autistic, and do NOT do this on a regular basis.

Do NOT compare them to inhuman things like animals, computers, or aliens. Just. Don’t. Ever.

Be careful headcanoning inhuman characters as autistic. It’s generally not inherently problematic, especially not in fantasy/sci-fi shows where the majority of the cast is inhuman, but it gets really tiring to only ever see the robot/alien headcanoned as autistic, and it promotes our dehumanization. Just examine your patterns and maybe try headcanoning a human character as autistic as well in those sci-fi/fantasy shows?

This goes more for robots/aliens than for things like elves. Robots/aliens tend to be autism-coded, which has lead to the negative stereotype that autistics are like robots, and the very literal alienation of autistic people. Elves, on the other and, are not historically autism-coded, and are generally considered super cool and graceful and such, so headcanoning them as autistic is pretty much always okay.

If possible, promote autistics who make content for your autistic headcanon! Read their fics! Reblog their headcanon posts! If you can’t find stuff that’s fine, and you can definitely make your own stuff as well, but if you can, promote autistics!

Related, listen to autistics! Not just when we tell you something is problematic, but if you’re making headcanons, it’s a good idea to have at least a base knowledge of our experiences and the issues we face, so that you don’t accidentally do something problematic. (Anon seems to have this down already, but since this is more of a general list, I’m putting it on anyway). ASAN and the Autism Women’s Network are both fantastic places to start learning about autism, Autism Speaks is the devil and to be avoided at all costs, and there’s plenty of autistic bloggers on this site, so maybe follow some autism blogs!

Don’t put an ‘I’m allistic so tell me if I said something bad!’ disclaimer on your autistic headcanon posts. This is a good habit when writing Serious Posts, but for headcanons, it’s unnecessary and generally kinda weird. It’s not Problematic(TM), and I understand having anxiety and insecurity when making headcanons for something outside of your experience, but it’s. Kinda annoying. Do it in the tags instead; that way people can still be informed about the fact that you’re allistic, without it being obnoxiously on the post no matter what you do.

Don’t write fic specifically about being autistic - you are not autistic and you’re probably gonna get something wrong. Instead, incorporate your autistic headcanon into fics about something else. It’s fine if the autism features heavily, just... no ‘x always knew they were different’ or ‘x has always seen the word in a different light due to the fact that they’re autistic’-centric fics. 

Exception: you can write fics about being autistic provided you have an autistic beta/sensitivity reader. And if you do, mention it somewhere on the fic. Idk about other autistics, but unless an autism-centric fic seems like it was written by an autistic, I scroll right past it, because they tend to be very ableist if they’re written by allistics. So if you have an autistic sensitivity reader, mention it.

Headcanon lists are fine though! Headcanon lists are generally less intensive and require less ability to ‘get into someone’s head’ than fic writing, so if you want to say ‘I headcanon x as autistic because y reasons’ or ‘x is autistic and they stim in the following ways/have meltdowns/script/etc.’ that’s fine and cool!

Fanart and edits are cool too! Again, there’s less need to get into someone’s head, so drawing a character while stimming or editing the autism/neurodiversity rainbow infinity symbol behind them is just fine!

Every once in a while, sit back and examine the patterns in your autistic headcanons. What kind of characters are you headcanoning as autistic? Do you notice any worrying patterns? For example, are all your autistic headcanons white, or are they all male, or are they all robots/aliens, or do you also just so happen to headcanon all of them as aro/ace and/or unavailable for romantic/sexual relationships? That’s not to say that any and all patterns are always bad or ableist (pretty much all of my autistic headcanons are also aspec bc I’m an autistic aspec and I like projecting) (although if your autistic headcanons are always male/white, then yes that’s absolutely bad), but if you find a pattern, examine possible reasons why it exists.

This is a good habit to get into with any kind of minority headcanon, by the way! I’m gonna use LGBT+ headcanons as an example: who are you headcanoning as aspec and why? Do you notice a particular LGBT+ that’s getting left behind in your headcanons? Do you always pick the same character archetype for certain LGBT+ headcanons (for example, cold unapproachable characters as aro or extroverted characters as pan), and if so, why? 

Actually! Examining your patterns in fandom behaviour in general is good. If you notice you usually don’t like female characters, then that’s probably something you should examine. If you notice that all your faves are white and that you are more interested in white background characters than main characters of colour, you should examine that. If you notice that, even though you like this minority character or headcanon, you don’t consume or create any content for them, examine why. 

Problematic fandom behaviour very rarely manifests itself in something that happens once. It’s not inherently wrong to dislike this female character or not to like that ace headcanon, but if you notice that you consistently don’t like or aren’t interested in a particular character or headcanon, or if you notice that you consistently give particular characters particular headcanons, that might be an issue. Like I said, patterns are not always bad, but it’s good to be aware of them in case they are.

I’ll elaborate a bit on autistic aspec headcanons bc that’s such a hot button issue in fandom (bc people are asshats), but the tl;dr is that autistic aspec headcanons are not inherently bad and in fact, as an autistic aspec myself, I rather like them. However, headcanoning the one autistic-coded character as the one aroace in the group unfortunately does happen pretty often (Entrapta from She-Ra comes to mind - I’ve seen SO MANY posts about how everyone is a lesbian in She-Ra except for Entrapta, who is aroace of course, and it’s... pretty suspicious). But that’s not to say that you cannot headcanon autistic-coded/headcanoned characters as aspec; I elaborate more on this topic here (featuring a GREAT addition by @aroworlds!). Just examine your patterns and why they exist.

So this is not something that Inherently Problematic(TM), but it’s very annoying to me, so here goes: maybe diversify your autistic headcanons. I’m not saying ‘make sure your autistic headcanons are also poc/lgbt/etc.’ (although that’s very cool too), but just... diversify the autism itself. Often, it’s the exact same character archetype that gets headcanoned as autistic, and as an autistic whose autism tends to manifest in less typical ways, it gets... annoying. 

Examples of typical autism tropes: the eccentric (computer/science) genius, the robot/alien, the socially awkward.traumatized loner, etc.

Examples of characters frequently headcanoned as autistic: Tony Stark (eccentric computer genius), Bruce Banner (socially awkward science genius), Pidge from Voltron (eccentric computer/science genius), Keith from Voltron (socially awkward loner alien), Entrapta (eccentric computer/science genius), Sherlock Holmes (eccentric genius), etc.

Also note how 90% of these characters are skinny white guys.

Seriously it’s 100% more likely for a skinny white guy to get headcanoned as autistic than it is for any character of colour and/or female character to get headcanoned as autistic, PLEASE examine your biases.

Examples of character archetypes that damn near never get headcanoned as autistic: team leaders, extroverted/loud characters, team heart (aka the ‘team mediator’, the glue that keeps people together), etc.

Examples of autistic headcanons I have that are non-conventional/less common: Allura from Voltron (team heart, leader), Hunk from Voltron (team heart), Arthur from BBC Merlin (leader), Kaldur’ahm from Young Justice (leader).

All of these characters are pretty damn autism-coded, and while it’s not... impossible to find content for some of these, there’s generally a lot less for them. 

What I’m getting at is that, because the stereotypical autism-coded character of the eccentric computer nerd/socially awkward loner/robot/alien looms larger in the public consciousness, there’s a confirmation bias when it comes to these kind of characters. This often gets coupled with the stereotype that all autistic people are white boys, which results in a whole lot of the same white guys being headcanoned as autistic, even when other characters are just as if not more autism-coded. 

It’s not Problematic(TM) to headcanon more stereoypically autism-coded characters as autistic, and it’s honestly not even Problmatic(TM) to only headcanon those characters as autistic, especially not if an autistic person who does present like that relates to those characters or if an allistic isn’t sure about their headcanons and wants to play it safe. But it does lead to a very monotone depiction of autism, and leads autistic people who don’t fit the stereotypical mold (me!) to feel left out. So, if possible, try researching lesser known autism traits or just generally thinking a bit out of the box when making autism headcanons.

It’s definitely bad to only headcanon skinny white guys as autistic though. Like I know I’ve said this 50 times now, but seriously, fandom racism and sexism (or a neat combination of the two in case of female character of colour) is SUPER noticeable in autistic headcanons. 

And lastly: when in doubt, ask an autistic! Asking questions isn’t illegal, and if you’re not sure about whether x thing you want to do is okay, just shoot an autistic (who is okay with questions) an ask! I’m always open for questions about autism and such (and I love talking about it so that’s a bonus), so don’t be afraid to hit me up for further info!

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

ah yeah i suppose ur right. yeah i think quarentine has had that sort of effect on a lot of people :( sorry to hear abt ur strict parents, hopefully ur friend will be able to come back soon. small outings (even with family) are still good tho, make sure ur taking care of urself toff.

youre totally right! ah yes thats good advice (/gen) ill try and use that when im in a slump ty. any music suggestions?

lol sames. even some of the stuff abt seungmin, innie etc is a little uncomfortable, like theyre grown ass men for sure, but at the same time, theyre still young, still just over being a teenager in the grand scheme of things. (on that note, i do struggle with worrying that im infantalising them, obviously theyre adults but at the same time, theyre still young. i do treat all fictional characters as my children, but i guess its different when its real people. idk. what do you think?) yeah some stans rlly need to take a chill pill, some are rlly walking the wire between 'ah theyre attractive/that look rlly suits them' and making fucking smut fics abt minors, like... they do not see a problem with that?? yeah tbh i feel like unless theyre 18 they shouldnt be put into the spotlight, weve seen what it does to peoples mental health, but modern day kpop industry is a lot like old hollywood with a lot of popular child actors -_- hopefully the big companies will learn but i agree, its unlikely

suuuuure toff haha. ill go searching for them, but idk if ill be able to find the fluff needle in the angst haystack (jkjk) yeah, fair i groan and complain but you do write angst etc rlly well, so if its what ur comfortable with, then pls continue, it is one of your strong suits, well as you write fluff aside

ah okay good! ill continue to send you essays then

THE ALBUM YES. so ive been looking forward to it for literally months, this is actually my first skz album release as a stay (since the last on was 9 months ago) i was sitting there hitting refresh on my spotify the second 6pm kst came around. (speaking of which, how did you do the release? i couldnt decide whether to watch or listen first but i ended up on listening cos there would be more material) okay: so cheese was super cool, very skz ya know? tho i almost wish theyd made domino the title track, tho obv it was a more experimental track and would have been a bit controversial (much like whistle for bp) i looooved domino and thunderous was absolutely impeccable. all the songs were amazing but standouts were- secrets, secrets which lowkey made me tear up idk why, red lights which almost killed me (it did not have to go that hard, but it did) and OT8 WOLFGANG omgggg i wasnt sure if hyunjin was going to be included in it but i was hoping and, ya know people had said hed be in there, but the further i got in, the less i was sure and then BAM hyunjin started what had been jisung's part and i just sat there grinning for about 5 minutes. surfin was absolutely adorable and gone away almost made me cry AGAIN. star lost was so touching, almost a nod to hyunjins little star? silent cry was relatable beyond anything. SSICK was funny? for some reason I was laughing while it was playing, idk the combination of added cheering and minhos aggressiveness and the totall seriousness they sung it. but i rlly enjoyed it. sorry i love you showcased their vocals like nothing else. the view is THE BOP of 2021, absolutely going to be stuck in my head for the next decade, that hook is genius. what did you think?

also did you watch their grow up performance? with all the stays and ALL THE TEARS? ;n; i feel like this is the end of an era of skz and tbh im kinda happy but also sad. super excited for their promotions but super bummed they wont get to tour. ah well

<3 w.a. 🐺

answer under the cut bc i gave an equally long answer to this already long ask HAJSH

oh yeah, abt quarantine having an effect. my friend and i talked about this earlier actually. i didn't realize the world was moving so fast until the pandemic happened. being in quarantine gave me time to think and i got to know myself more. it's just the sole good thing i got out of the isolation lmao. and abt my strict parents, ironically i got to go out today so i got to hang out with a few of my bestfriends. i had fun but my legs are a bit sore from walking. but they're a different set of friends. i'll get to hang out with the others when my getaway driver comes home in december.

hmm music recommendations for writing? depends on the plot you're writing. care to share what story you're working on and i'll try to rake my brain for a song that might match the vibe. i listen to classical / lo-fi if i don't have song inspo for a fic because lyrics sometimes distract me.

i don't think that's infantilizing tho. for me, it has something to do with my environment and the way i was raised. maybe it's the same the other way around? like this certain age (for the ones above 18 but below 20) is thirst-able for them. idk really. it's just not for me ?n? what i do NOT condone is writing smut for minors??? like get checked : D // i agree with everything with the idols being 18+ before they debut simply because it's for the best for their well-being like. how can young idols decide that this shit is the thing they want to do for life? or at least until their contracts last. idk :// it's unfortunate that it's unlikely to happen.

WELL. i have a list so you won't have to go search for them! in class (minho), in the rain (seungmin), gladius maximus (chan) and you've read five star already. and i just realized that most, if not all, of my upcoming fics are fluffs and i'm fond of all of them :D i used to focus a lot on angst because fluff disgusted the living shit out of me. i think things changed when i wrote champagne problems and hurt myself so bad i wanted to drop angst entirely. i didn't, of course, but i allowed myself to be self-indulgent now.

for the release of the album, i was on twt and watched the vid at 12 views (if i remember correctly, i watched back door at 14 so HASJH) i’m gonna talk by track so it wont be too confusing? bc i wrote this in paragraph format and it just ???? beware im very picky with tracks even if they’re my ults. so no offense if we have opposing opinions and i’m not fond of reading lyrics so these are all music wise.

cheese - oh god i hated cheese at first listen but it grew on me easily. i was singing the yeahyeahyeahyeah bit all day today :D

thunderous - i cant say that it’s my favorite title track. it felt really dry sometimes, both mv and music wise. but at the same time, it’s not that bad. the choreography carried the song tho o.O it’s so fucking cool. but like go live, another track has my heart and it’s

domino - AND YES I AGREE THAT THEY SHOULDVE MADE DOMINO TITLE TRACK UGHHHHH WHAT A WASTED FUCKING OPPORTUNITY. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW FOND I AM OF THIS SONG. it stands close to the level i love easy.

ssick - was a skip on first listen too because i found the chorus underwhelming but it grew on me? not that much but i can bear listening to it.

the view - it’s something the gen public like, hence its something i dislike. im not fond of songs that are structured like this? it’s not a bad song, just not the type of song i like. but i agree that the hook is very not catchy but it would get stuck in ur head.

sorry, i love you - it’s not as sad as i expected but i actually like it??? i can’t wait to write a fic out of it (1) HAJSHAJ it’s like a 3/5 for me. it’s angsty but chill?

silent cry - i’m pissed at this song bc it hits but sometimes it doesn’t?@?#!? but it’s starting to grow on me but definitely not my fave track.

secret secret - glad i found a secret secret enthusiast because my irls thought it was a skip?$?#@$? it gives me ikon vibes and i’m a huge fan of ikon’s discog so this was a win for me T_T +

STAR LOST - gives me bigbang song vibes and now im very sad :(( in case u didnt know, i’m a hUGE yg fan and 2ne1/bigbang introduced me to kpop so when i heard this track that gave me yg feels i just <3___<3 and it’s one of my favorite tracks anw moving on,

red lights - I WANT TO SKIP THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OF RED LIGHTS EVERY TIME IT PLAYS LIKE IT MAKES ME FEEL AWKWARD KDSJFSK but fine. i’m adding this to props and mayhem’s playlist LMAO it’s more aggressive than sexc tho. more enemies to lovers o. O

surfin’ - this coming right after red lights just wasn’t the best decision arrangement wise because how did we go from ooh sexc to aigh pARTAY. felix saying sheesh T___T it’s such a fun song i want to go to the beach ;n; do you like beaches?

gone away - i have yet to read the lyrics because i’m using this as inspo for a jeongin fic jskjash it’s not the type of ballad i like but it’s so fucking sad to listen to :’ ) the pitch change caught me off guard? still does. it’ll grow on me prolly.

wolfgang - I YELLED WHEN I HEARD HYUNJIN IN WOLFGANG. i didn’t like this song until recently. it gives me the confidence boost i need to pick myself off self-esteem crashes.

and no i haven't watched that performance and i prolly wont because i’ll cry. i’m excited for the promotions too. do you think they’ll still have a repackage?? i cant fucking believe that i just finished waiting for 12am kst for skz teasers and now i have to look forward to 12am for nct 127??@?#? NOT A SINGLE DAY OF REST FOR THIS STAYZEN

[sweetandsavageautistic]

Autism and Being Infantilized/Patronized/Talked Down To.

I’m really interested in this part of autism, idk why. I believe it’s often come up in my writing well before I knew the term “infantilization” existed. It started with my fear of being in a birdcage. Then I had a few antagonists who would try to tell my protagonist that, well, here are some excerpts from my books. Try to find a pattern:

Book 3:

“’You aren't going to kill us, are you?’ I ask her. Antonia turns to me and gives me a look of shock. ‘Kill you? Heavens no!’ she exclaims as she walks over to us. ‘I have much better ideas of what to do with you and your friends than just kill you off. Much better ways. And besides, I wouldn't want to kill off someone like you so soon. Someone so young, so ignorant, so naive, so--so--so--little.’ My muscles begin to tense up at the sound of the word. ‘What did you call me?’ I ask through clenched teeth. ‘You're too young,’ Antonia giggles. ‘You haven't lived a full afterlife yet. You need to stay here with me.’ ‘Why should I?’ ‘Because I know best. Oh, don't worry, Liberty. It will be fun. It'll be like having a family again-only without your stupid, little brat of a sister, Lucette. Or that idiotic coward of a man you call your father. Or that abusive woman, Helena.’ ‘Don't play that game with me. You leave my family out of this, you bitch!’ I growl. ‘Uh, uh, uh!’ Antonia scolds as she places her finger on my mouth. ‘Such a little girl shouldn't be using such language, especially to her new mother.’"

“’Oh, that's too rich! A speech like that, coming from such a stupid, ignorant, naive, young, dependent, little girl who doesn't even know what she's saying. Oh, how precious, Liberty!’ Antonia turns to her army. ‘Isn't my little girl just the most precious, little thing you've ever seen?’"

Book 4:

“’We thought that you had gone into a coma for good,’ Ella says. ‘Shh!’ Melissa shushes, ‘Let's not fill our Liberty's head with such horrifying tales. She's young and impressionable. We should treat her as such.’"

"’What's with the cup?’ I ask. ‘We thought that you'd like some more tea,’ Ella tells me. ‘I told you. I'm good,’ I point out. "Nonsense," Melissa laughs. ‘You're only thirteen. You can't possibly know what you want yet.’ ‘I'm not that young, Melissa,’ I growl. ‘I know what I want.’ ‘Stop it,’ Melissa chortles as she strokes my hair. ‘Stop making me laugh. You're just a baby-you're far too young to know what you're talking about.’"

"’Why the fuck are we here?’ ‘Liberty,’ she gasps. ‘A little girl like you shouldn't be using such language.’ ‘I'll say whatever the hell I want. You're not my mother.’"

"’But why my voice?’ ‘I'd tell you why, but I don't think such a little, little girl would understand such complex words.’ ‘Don't try with me, Antonia,’ I growl. ‘Oh you can dish it, but you can't take it, little dear?’ ‘Age doesn't define strength.’ ‘That's where you're wrong,’ she chuckles.”

"’We're the same, you and I. We both enjoy the lust of killing those who deserve it. It's like a drug that you take when it's absolutely necessary. You could be my daughter. My little, little daughter.’"

This next one is kinda long, but bare with me:

"’I thought such a little girl couldn't make such grown up decisions all on her own.’ I begin to feel myself heating up. 'Control yourself,' I think. 'She's only trying to stimulate a reaction from you. That's what she wants.' ‘We thought such a stubborn, little child wouldn't want to go back willingly. We thought you only had the mind of a newborn infant, and you probably still do.’ I can feel my fists clenching up. 'Release,' I think as the two of them begin to circle me. ‘But look at you. You're realizing where you're meant to be; with us. Singing for us and us alone. It's the only thing you're useful for. Isn't that right, Ella?’ ‘Indeed. If she's not singing for us, she's worthless.’ ‘Useless.’ ‘Hopeless.’ ‘Powerless.’ ‘Helpless.’ ‘Better off dead.’ ‘Lifelessly dead, you mean?’ ‘Of course. I'd forgotten how her mother abandoned her in the forest one night. Oh, how tragic! Her mother never cared about her. She never wanted such a freak as her child.’ ‘Outcast.’ ‘Mistfit.’ 'Abomination.’ ‘Monster.’ ‘Demon.’ ‘I remember she hit her and left her to die. Fortunately we are merciful souls. You're no monster. You're a wonder.’ ‘Beauty.’ ‘Angel.’ ‘Musical.’ ‘A princess.’ ‘Lovely.’ ‘Sweet.’ ‘Youthful.’ "Alas, we didn't get to her in time. Now look at what we have brought upon her. All of this running and fighting isn't meant for such a delicate, little treasure.’ ‘Not at all.’ ‘Oh, poor dear! It must frighten her so. I'm surprised she hasn't broken down crying. But then we came along; her saviors.’ ‘Is that so?’ ‘Indeed. By keeping her in that room, we were doing her a life-saving favor. But she thought we were in the wrong-bless that naive mind of hers-and decided to run away.’ ‘How naive.’ ‘Precisely. However there's still time for her to change her mind.’ Melissa suddenly stops in front of me. ‘Well?’ I give her a blank glance. ‘Oh, poor darling! She's so afraid of this world and her ordeals that she's lost all emotion. She's missing out on a life of luxury; a life free of pain and suffering. Free from all the bad people. Tell me, Liberty. What do you say? Does this interest you?’ ‘Your words do not intrigue me in the slightest,’ I answer bluntly. ‘May that always be the case.’ ‘You're willing to reject a life of luxury and protection for a life where you could die at any given moment?’ ‘Knowing I'll have people I can trust beside me when I die for their sake, yes.’ ‘Oh, you are so naive! I don't think you realize, when you come down to it, we're the only two people you can trust.’ ‘Is that so?’ I growl. ‘Of course. Would your so-called friends lead you to a portal that led into an apocalyptic world from which you almost didn't escape from?’ My stomach jumps up into my throat. ‘Or would they let you get knocked out and taken captive?’ My heart palpitates violently. ‘Or treat you like a child, even when they know you don't like it? I don't think so. We would never let any of that happen to you, would we Ella?’ ‘Never.’ ‘Now do you believe us? If you come back to your rightful place, you won't risk getting into any trouble or even getting killed. You don't want to be chloroformed again, do you?’ I gasp and it all becomes clear. ‘Those figures outside the tavern. The rag. All of that. It was you!’ ‘What on earth is she talking about?’ ‘Don't talk nonsense. We best be going if we want to get our little dear home safely.’ ‘I'm not going anywhere with you, bitch!’ I growl.”

So what’s the pattern here?

If you said they all involve the protagonist being infantilized, you’re correct.

I’m honestly realizing just how much the theme of infantilization has kinda bled into my writing. 

Maybe everything I wrote is an allegory for the current treatment of autistics. 

Because this is literally what people seem to think of autistics. 

Maybe my protagonist, Liberty Anne, is actually autistic. (Fun Fact: Liberty Anne was actually the name that I got printed on the back of my senior shirt in high school)

But I’m curious; what are your experiences with being infantilized because of being autistic? Reblog or comment yours if you want.

[nothingneverforever]

The Good Place (2016)

I chose to start watching this only because I was at a very low point in my life in terms of facing a dearth of TV-derived entertainment, having just finished Virgin River (2019) and Sweet Magnolias (2020). Both Virgin and Sweet are not what you'd call .. uh... productions of any real calibre or value or perhaps worth at all, like you can be certain that no niches were filled when they were realsed into the Netflix ether... But they also happen to be epic masterpieces by sheer fact of how banal and predictable and PG and saccharine and inconsequential they are, the best of the suburban vanilla Hallmark Movie genre, and basically they rock af ok?? and so when I finished both first seasons of the two series I was left empty and thirsty. And it was in this lostness that I turned to The Good Place, thinking it would be as enriching in it's simplicity, as palatable in it's shallow distraction, qualities I generally look for in the fodder to keep my eyes engaged on something that isn't the clock when I do my daily evening indoor cardio.

So maybe I should first set the stage by establishing that I simply fucking hated this series lol. I couldn't get past episode 12 (I know, this makes it sound like i already gave it way more time than it deserved, which is the truth) of the first season, because once I decided I'd had enough, it was really fucking enough and I couldn't give it one more second.

As always, here's my shoddily written premise of the series; I don't want to put much effort into capturing it's essence well because idgaf about this dumb show seriously fucking hate it lol but anyway: Eleanor (Kristen Bell) dies on earth, and goes to 'The Good Place', where all souls who were much more good than bad while living on earth go to upon their death, as opposed to The Bad Place, where the bad people go. There’s some mathematical calculation for this heaven and hell allocation basically. So the good place (i can't be bothered to capitalize it every time i type it anymore lol sorry), is run by a head architect who has designed and is in charge of the neighbourhood our characters live in, and he has a female robot assistant, Janet, who is the omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient right-hand lady who can also be called up by any good place resident who has any question for her, anytime. Anyway Eleanor, after dying on earth, was actually sent to the good place by accident, because she was actually a completely irredeemable asshole but due to some dumb boring never-happened-before error, she was sent to the good place instead of the bad place where she actually was meant to end up. Here she makes a small group of friends, some to whom she is eventually honest about the fact that she does not actually belong in the good place, and it is because of this incorrect placement that the good place is crumbling and its inner workings are going haywire etc and everyone suffers from the consequences. So blah blah blah soon we find out that it is not just her, but also some other guy who is here by mistake, and so blah blah blah etc yupp

So here are the things that suck about this show:

So there’s this other guy who also doesn't belong in the good place and who was also sent there by accident, his name is Jason okay but umm it's complicated because the person he was mistaken as (and the actual 'good person' who was intended to be sent to the good place while Jason was meant to be directed to the bad place) is named Jian Yu, a Taiwanese monk. Jason however is a Filipino-American from Florida and I guess his character is meant to be a stereotypical 'White trash' character, but it's meant to be funny or some shit so we aren't meant to be deeply affected by fact that his life was fucking sad, like how his small-town dreams were meant to be comedic relief for us to laugh at how pathetic he is when ... i dunno, I feel very uncomfortable making a joke out of real-life situations that umm aren't funny at all idk whatever... Oh also the weird (dumb/shitty/lame/thoughtless) thing about the show is how even once it is revealed that Jason is in fact his Jason-y, oblivious, infantile, one-dimensionally-tropey self, the characters who know the truth still continue to call him Jianyu throughout...? But like.... he's not Jianyu lol?

So anyway, Jason is characterised quite disturbingly to be honest as an extremely immature dudebro, to the extent that one could call him child-like. In his unhappiness at being stuck in this weird world where he can't be himself and has to pretend to be Jianyu most of the time (which involves being a complete ascetic as well as silent because the real Jianyu had apparently taken a lifelong oath of silence), Jason latches on to Janet the robot assistant. He says she is the only one who has been kind to him, etc etc etc, and begins ummmm, falling in love with her. But because he's painted as a literal baby with absolutely no rational or critical thinking skills, him falling in love with her is meant to be uhh earnest and sweet or at the very least inconsequential and jokey I guess? But like... this isn't funny...? Not when sex robots are a real thing and will probably lead to the abuse, violation, murder of millions of women in time to come because men will be so used to putting their penises into awfully, scarily 'life-like' dolls whose limbs have been programmed to move and who can even utter words of affirmation to their degenerate users that actual human females will no doubt bear the brunt of being expected to perform in life and in bed similarly to our robotic counterparts...? Yea so the good place disturbingly first makes us almost forced to feel some endearment toward Jason for finding a kindred "soul" in robot Janet, glad that he finally has "someone" to "talk to" (quotation marks cos once again she's a fucking robot), and it's all very "pure" and "wholesome" at first because again, he's portrayed as a fucking kid (one piece I read describes the character as "a sweet ding-dong human"). And then suddenly, about one or two episodes after they fall in love or whatever, Jason says:

You guys have fun. This is me and Janet's honeymoon, so we're gonna go try and figure out how to have sex.

Yeah umm so once again, in case any of you forgot, Janet's a fucking robot. If I use a scale of human consciousness out of 100 where a regular human's sense of self and awareness and independent thinking and authonomy and whatever else makes us human is at 100, Janet is probably at .... 10? at most? So yea.... i guess rape jokes are okay these days? I dunno? Literally how the fuck were there 3 entire seasons of this dumb show after this

Anyway when I attempted to put in *some* effort before I gave up, realising this show wasn't worth my precious weekend downtime, I googled Jason and Janet's relationship to see if there were any other similar voices of dissent but umm apparently, according to the headlines of articles, this is instead public opinion:

The Unlikely Romance of The Good Place’s Janet and Jason

Why Janet And Jason Are The Good Place's Ultimate Love Story, According To The Actors

How Janet and Jason broke the infinite love mold on The Good Place

From these disgusting articles, here are some choice quotes by the actors and crew involved themselves:

And the fact that this should not happen but it does makes it very special. We think that their relationship is really sweet. There's something very innocent and real about their love even though that is insane

Yeah, I always talk about this whenever I get the question, “How does Janet and Jason work?” And my response is always — and I’ve thought about this a lot — Jason is slowly becoming a little bit more aware and intelligent. He’s evolving a little bit, and through Jason, Janet is able to become more emotionally intelligent. She’s feeling these things, whether it be good or bad, through Jason because that’s what Jason is. He’s all these different emotions that he can’t tame, and Janet’s learning that. They’re kind of evolving.

Okay so perhaps I should clarify that Janet the robot goes through a couple of 'deaths' in which she comes back as a rebooted version, and supposedly more 'human' each time. So yeah I guess it's okay to have sex with robots if they actually become 0.0000001% more human-like each time they come back to life though!!!!! Sorry for overreacting guys!!!!!

Seriously though how the fuck are they even using the word 'romance' in good conscience to describe the 'relationship'

Actually as I'm writing this I'm reminded of this video by Pop Culture Detective on youtube, titled "Abduction as Romance". Jonathan the host/video creator goes through various movies through history and from contemporary cinema of this unbelievably damaging and disturbing trope, where women are shown to eventually fall in love with men who have essentially, in some way or another, abducted them, annyway here it is if anyone's interested 

I’m calling up this video because in the shows used as examples in Jonathan’s thesis, the female characters fall in love with the men just because the men happen to be the only choice they have. Okay I actually only managed to get through a quarter of the video because it was too disturbing and too awful to think about how frequently such plot points are used till today and how so much of the shitty love we see on screen is completely abusive in nature (he’s also made another video called Stalking for Love which I’m sure is as eye-opening, i haven’t watched it cos i don’t need to lol, i’m already woke thanks), but anyway the bit that I did manage to watch does remind me of this stupid love story from The Good Place that we’re supposed to be moved by. We’re seriously supposed to believe that Janet, through her reboots and whatever awakenings of consciousness she supposedly has, also has feelings for Jason just because he’s the only pathetic dumbass immature enough to think that he has feelings for her because she’s the only person who’s willing to listen and talk to him properly? When ummmm she’s only listening to you because she’s programmed to...?

Honestly I can't be bothered to talk about freaking Janet and Jason anymore

There are other things that suck about this dumb show

I don't know what kind of character development Eleanor (protagonist) goes through in the seasons that succeed that I shall never be audience to, but she remains unlikable in almost every way in season 1. This is even though the entire premise of the plot is that she learns to become a better person with each day, struggling to distance herself from her past (on earth) where she was every caricature of a selfish, cruel, demeaning, unlikable person ever. The few and short flashbacks we get to her earthly past are so annoyingly annoying that it made it almost impossible for me to continue to care for this charatcer her in her afterlife. I know, being in the profession that i am, i should have a great deal more empathy for her and where she's coming from (and i would if the show was not so fucking shitty), so i'm not hating on the fact that she was such a bad person, more so that the creators of the show did little to give us anything real to hold on to at all. Between boringly unreal dialogue, stilted acting typical of American sitcoms, overly defined character traits again typical of dated, unchallenging and unsophisticated American sitcoms, I honestly can't understand how on earth this is rated 97% on rotten tomatoes... I mean I guess if I actually read the reviews I'd understand but hehe I'm not about that open-minded, balanced POV narrative okie? :)

----------

Updates: Haha so ummm eventually I was too bored / curious so I decided to give this show like it’s fourth chance or something and eventually I ended up finishing the entire series and yes I cried as fuck and yes this series made me feel many feels and no I shall neither take back anything of what I said above nor clarify how or what made me change my opinion on it nor elaborate on why I ended up rather enjoying it :-) bye bye

[willowsgray-blog]

6.5.A

What is manchester by the sea? You are a soccer mom friend for sure. What did we do when you couldn’t drive?

I loved this morning so much. I really can’t describe it. It was wonderful and made the rest of my day feel so meaningless. I don’t say that to make you feel bad, but rather to just show the importance of that conversation to me. I especially like moments when you are talking to me. I love the idea of pen pals. It’s really special to have the opportunity to watch you process your day/thoughts/emotions/experiences/feelings through written word, and you don’t quite get that just speaking to someone. I personally believe all communication is limited, but I feel like the more ways that someone communicates with someone else then the closer you can get to actually knowing them (while still understanding that perfect communication is surely only possible through divine assistance)

Liv. Hanging out with lauren sounds dope. I’m so psyched for you to run the half. I would die. Well my knees would. I’ll be rooting for you. Let me know how I can help. Swimming maybe??

Vogue sounds weird. Idk what to think about that. Clayborn feels like a foreign place to me. Seems very....trendy. Like loflin yard.

A 550 doesn’t seem so bad as long as you don’t have to do anything before or after. He’ll get it. The breathing pattern is key. I dropped like 2 minutes off my time when I learned how. 

Generic comments are like anything you say about me that doesn’t have anything that makes it feel true. I like kind words, but I want them to feel like they are coming from some observable reality. 

After we hung up, I ate lunch. I watched the saddest episode of Derek ever. I cried like three times. I texted my mom. I made some more coffee. I set up my xbox and bought a hockey game. I did some research on stuff you probably don’t want to hear about. I made the bed. I took a shower. I emailed Erin Johnson, my new coach. I read the first twenty pages of The Round House. 

Tonight: I picked up AS from work. I made dinner (simple trader joes chicken, rice, roasted broccoli). I poured myself a glass of wine and watched four fruit flies drown. I called my mom (very nice, but I can tell I felt sad on the phone and I usually feel guilty if I do that too many days in a row). I came back inside and AS was asleep (at 9:00pm) so I played Colson in two games on FIFA online. I texted you. I read the best blog post..... I played the hockey game that I bought today. I opened a third can of bud light lime. I got to hear from one of my favoritest people.

You’re amazing

SPOILERS LIE BELOW DO NOT ENTER 

The first 20 pages: Erdrich is an artist. The story unfurls itself in obvious ways, but I feel like the obvious is necessary to make it palatable. It’s frustrating because it understands the limits of human empathy, but the visceral, first-person experience of trauma is kept at such a distance at the beginning of the story. I imagine Erdrich will allow the narrator to creep forward into the gut-wrenching realities of his mother’s rape as the story progresses, but it will be interesting to see how she discusses the violence beyond the federal laws that prevent tribes from prosecuting non-Natives in rape trials. It makes me feel as if the narrator is somewhat a reflection of the world in our infantile understanding of these issues.