#like if you think this is unrealistic it means more than likely you havent experienced someone being patient and understanding with you

[deoidesign]

something that makes me sad is when people tell me the healthy communication in my writing is "unrealistic."

like guys this is how me and my partner talk with eachother... I'm writing from personal experience...

[the-black-birb]

ahh hi ! congrats on 600 omg, that’s such an amazing milestone !! do u think I could get some first time nsfw hcs for kuroo, oiwawa and kageyama? like it’s their s/o’s first time aha, I think I worded that kinda weird I’m sorry alsklssn

Mmm i love first time stories bc they can be dorky and cute!! Nsfw warning <3 also sorry these are very long

Kuroo Tetsurou

Before your relationship, Kuroo has had one other serious partner so he kind of knows the drill

When you to started getting really heated with your make outs and you told him you were a virgin he was completely cool with that! He wanted to make sure the two of you took your time so you'd never feel uncomfortable

You two do plenty of things before sex. You give him handjobs, he eats you out, you help each other get relief

But you haven't gone all the way yet, until the night after a comp

You didn't know if it was the adrenaline rush of winning that had him pumped, or the way he looked playing that had you shifting in your seat, but you two were all over each other

Nekoma was staying at a hotel, the boys were rooming in groups of three. Somehow kuroo convinced yaku and kai to stay with the 2nd years so you and him could have alone time (he has to take them for ramen to make up for it)

Neither of you expected it to escalate. You were all over each other, you straddling his waist and his hands flush over your skin, pushing your shirt up

But you were certain this would just end when you got too nervous about the boys one room away from you

Wrong. Absolutely wrong.

You were grinding against him hard, breaths shallow, getting lost in the heat of the moment

"I-" you choked out in between breaths. "I want you inside me."

Kuroo stopped to stare at you. "Are you sure? Y'know the guys are right there-"

"We'll just be quiet then," you cut him off with a kiss.

Kuroo wasted no time in shedding his clothes, you followed suit

It was only then you realized you'd never seen him fully naked before. You'd gotten him off, but usally his pants stayed on (or at least his shirt did)

Kuroo in his naked glory. Wooh. That was a lot to take in. And the way his eyes looked at you, drinking you up, you felt heat pooling in your core

Ever the gentleman, Kuroo wanted to prep you first (he was impressive). He uses his fingers, making sure to stretch you out nicely

Probably makes you orgasm just on his fingers so he can tease you about it later

And the whole time he's doing it you've got your hands clamped tightly over your mouth, trying to keep quiet. Kuroo delighted in the way your chest heaved and your neck tensed as you swallowed back moans

Once your prepped, he asks you one more time if you're certain you want to lose your virginity at a hotel in the middle of nowhere with his teammates on the other side.

You do, and he wastes no time in entering you (he had condoms with him just in case something like this happened)

He enters you slowly, giving you time to adjust

He likes sex rough and fast, but he knows right know is about you. Once he bottoms out and knows your good, he rocks himself back and forth slowly and gently

His cock is long, so even his little motions have you convulsing with pleasure

But as soon as you adjust, Kuroo starts to speed up. He can't help it, his patience and self control is thin

He's bucking into you fast when you come, but he's focused on riding out his own orgasm

There isn't much he can do for aftercare without the two of you being found out, so he just texts Yaku asking if they'd be able to stay in the 2nd years room for longer than planned

Yaku is like "yeah we can all tell you were going at it please shut up"

No one questions why you're limping the next day

Oikawa Tooru

I don't think Oikawa sleeps around, but he's definitely had a fuck buddy or two, as well as exclusive relationships

Safe to say, he's far more experienced out of the two of you

You're a little intimidated by it, but he assures you he wants nothing more than to treat you right

So with Oikawa you have to tell him when you're ready to have sex

When you do, he plans everything out. Gets his parents out of the house, sets the mood with candles and incense and everything and spoils you silly

Oikawa is a switch, but he likes to be a whiney sub. That being said, you need him right now and he intends to show you how much he can help

Is absolutely a giver. Worships your body, doesn't leave a single inch of skin un-kissed

His lips are all over you, your neck and breasts and stomach and thighs- everywhere

He doesn't leave marks (yet) because he wants to be loving and caring and for you to remeber your first time sweetly

When he finally sees you starting to relax under his touch and loosen up, he starts pressing kisses closer and closer to your core

Eats you out, and he is damn good at it. Eats you out like your pussy is the last meal he'll get to eat and, damn, he is trying to savor it

When you've come for the second time and you're whiney and needy, cheeks wet with tears, only then will he finally fuck you

Probably has flavored condoms, idk why i just need to include that

Oikawa has incredible self control, so he takes his pace incredibly slow. He's pushing into you slowly, and when he's finally all the way in his thrusts are long

The feeling of him inside you lingers, even as he backs away, and has you gasping for more

But even as you're cumming around his cock and squeezing him so damn well he doesn't waver

He keeps his pace slow and consistent, so much so you're going crazy

Praises you as he does it. "You're taking me so well, baby." "You feel so good, love." His words fill you with just as much pleasure as his actions

Doesn't make much noise until he finally comes, at which point he just lets out a low grumble. Frankly, it's uncharacteristic of him but he's doing all he can to keep the attention on you

King of aftercare. Runs you a bath, massages your muslces, and keeps asking you if you're alright

"Was that okay? Are you tired?" He's so insistent you're rolling your eyes

"I dunno, Tooru, I think we'll have to try again to make sure," you say lazily, still tired out from the multiple orgasms he ripped from you

Oikawa just smiles, running an arm up and down your side. "Let's rest for now, love. We can go again in the morning."

You hold him to his word.

Kageyama Tobio

Listen if you havent had sex yet, Kageyama definitely hasn't either

So you're both virgins, you're both clueless, and it ends up being kind of funny

Unlike Oikawa and Kuroo who both know to have a conversation before sex you and Kags are both flustered and confused

It was a pretty typical weekend, your parents weren't home so Kags came over to watch a movie. The two of you got into a heated makeout (again, fairly typical at this point) and as you were adjusting how you were sitting, kags hands tight around your waist and yours flush over his neck, you accidentally push onto his crotch

And Kageyama groans. Loudly. As in, he throws his headback and lets out a noise from the bottom of his chest

You freeze. He's never done that before. Soon, you notice the growing erection in his pants and you, very much a virgin, have no idea what to do

So the two of you sit there in silence, staring at each other, neither of you sure how to talk about this

"Should we-" "Did you-"

...

"I mean-" "we could-"

Finally you've had enough and you burst, going "are we about to have sex?"

And Kageyama is sitting there, straining against his pants like, "um, if you want?" bc he doesn't know how to explain exactly how eager he is although it's certainly almost obvious

"D-do you have condoms?"

Of course not. Neither of you were prepared for this. But if there's a day to lose your virginity, you'd much rather it be a weekend that your parents are out and you can take all the time you want

So you rush to the newest corner store to pick up condoms (but you're embarassed so you buy a bunch of snacks and sneak them in) and leave Kageyama sitting in your bed, with an erection

And Kags is there sitting there thinking "just wait for her to come back, she'll be back soon. Just distract yourself" and he tries to put the movie back on or think about volleyball or anything to calm his raging boner but then he thinks about you again and it all comes crashing back down

By the time you get back to your house, he's red and sweating all over and damn his pants are straining around his cock (he's a grower)

And you'd like to do everything you can to help him, really, but you're still absolutely confident so you walk into the room and go "uh, I've got condoms?"

And Kags is trying not to touch himself before you got there but as soon as he sees you he's feral

"Fuck [Y/N] come here-" and he's pulling you on top of him and ravishing you with his lips

As much as Kags wants to dominate you, he's feeling awfully needy right now so you end up doing all the work, stripping both of you of your clothes while Kageyama admires you and lays kisses all over your collarbone and chest

Finally you get to the underwear and you look at him one last time, settled between his thighs with your face dangerously close to his crotch and go "are you sure, Tobio?" with your big doe eyes

Kageyama thought he was about to cream himself in his boxers right there

He didn't, though, instead insisting you just get on with it and you did, popping out his cock (wincing, slightly, because you've never been this close to a penis and damn they're kinda...ugly...) and rolling a condom onto it

The first condom tore bc you didn't know what you were doing but fortunately you had a whole box to spare

And finally (Kags cannot stress this enough: finally) the both of you are ready (you haven't done much foreplay bc neither of you realized that's an option)

You end up riding him bc Kageyama just wants relief and he's gotten choked up with how hard he's gotten

And while it'd be magnificent to say the penetration was euphoric and you felt yourself fill up so well, it's also unrealistic

You just feel weird with something lodged between your legs. You're not really sure how it's supposed to feel so you just start moving

As it starts to feel good, Kags is bucking up into you at the same time and, fuck, it's just starting to get good-

And Kags cums. It's over way too fast and you've barely even gotten any pleasure but what did you expect?

Kageyama wants to apologize for not being better (even as he's sweating, hair plastered to his forehead and breath shallow and fuck thats hot) but you're just rubbing soothing circles over his shoulders

"It's fine, baby, we'll just have to practice more."

Well, he won't mind that

[oceanlandworld]

lengthy post musing about syscourse more or less, talking about personal opinions & recent thoughts

mmm i used to be very supportive of the notion that general “plural”/all-origin spaces/resources are a good idea but ive been reconsidering lately? largely because talking to some friends + self-introspection has made me think more about the specific needs of traumatized people and how even just in having interacted with a lot of other systems it’s pretty noticeable that people who consider themselves to have/be traumagenic systems talk about their systemhood differently?

like for a long time we personally felt as though we Had to be fairly open about details of our system + sign messages to show who is fronting at a given time + be able to clearly tell who is fronting at a given time and stuff of this nature, but all of these things make us feel different levels of Anxious and in a lot of cases just. thinking for too long about system stuff itself makes us dissociate

and then we learned about dissociative barriers + phobia of inner experience and it was like. Oh. Lol. thats normal when you dissociate from trauma

& have been realizing more that a lot of our unrealistic expectations for how we should be experiencing systemhood came from people & spaces that emphasized “plurality” as an identity and like it’s still important to me/us but god the “plural community” can be so damn alienating if you dont wanna constantly be sharing your alters or just. don’t function in a way that is neatly describable using “housemate” analogies etc (like, i think our relationship w/ our body is a bit different than some systems + we don’t experience switches in terms of retreating into headspace, but in terms of shifting perspectives)

this isnt to say that we havent seen DID-focused spaces that are also rly hostile to people with experiences of systemhood that dont match specific expectations >__> or like. towards anyone who is even “supportive” of endogenic systems, which often means “not sufficiently hostile towards” lmao

& i dont think all ppl who id as endogenic systems are lying or faking or delusional or necessarily even Wrong, i think it’s presumptive to claim to know someone else’s experiences so intimately that you can make categorical claims like that

but i also find it soooo weird now seeing people acting like the needs of endogenic and traumagenic systems are identical and that having a Big Community is super important. like fundamentally i think being plural Is different when a large part of your system is directly concerned with overwhelmingly painful emotions/memories/sensations vs when it isnt

(i dont mind talking abt this in good faith with friends but pleeeeaaase dont interpret this as an invitation to tell me Why I Am Wrong. u dont need to agree with me but i do not feel like arguing lmao. not tagging bc i do Not want weirdos finding this)

[jubberry]

oohkay let's go tua with those ship asks: fiveya, horrance and alluther.

thanks el i love you

Send me a ship and I'll answer three questions based on if I ship it or not.

fiveya obvs i ship this since this is 90% of my tua drawings lol

1. ill wait ill wait (to be the one) by georgiestauffenberg made me ship it cause holy fuck dude. I dont know if i ship them romantically when i saw them onscreen cause first of all, age difference is kinda weird lmao. Second, they dont rlly interact much outside literally the first couple of eps. But he was so soft for her, and i felt like they had so much unexplored history.

so i looked at fanfics cause i was wondering if ppl still ship it, then i liked the description of this one so i gave it a go.

Basically the premise is that vanya dates a much older man who seems to know a lot about her. And it was amazingly in character and just provided their characters some depth that u wouldnt find outside of a romantic relationship between them. (The implication of five pining while she doesnt know who he is, their missed chances when he time travelled, fives missed chances of living and having a 'normal' life bec of his own hubris, vanyas insecurity and being able to open up bec shes with someone whos known her since childhood). Its so sweet and thats how i was like, oh yep i can do so much more with these two, and what has kept me interested in drawing them etc.

2. My favourite things are the shippers cause i made some friends in the fandom who are super cool and supportive! I dont get super involved in fandoms and usually just watch from afar so finding people to talk to and muck around with in this tiny fandom is super cool 😭

Though thats not to say I havent come across some bad apples in this fandom and things that I dont like. I think thats the importance of carving out a place for yourself and ur friends in fandom tho.

Another thing I like about the ship itself, i just like the grumpy person whos soft for one person trope. Its so cute. I like all the little clues in canon on how their relationship as kids is quite warm, which is interesting cause five is basically the star student and he can be quite cold vs vanya who is the black sheep of the family.

I also like how five likes her powers even when she caused the apocalypse he spent the majority of his life in lol. Like its a popular hc that five is just a wife guy and i love that.

I see vanya as the type who has a lot of love to give, and she sometimes has unrealistic expectations of what her partner can give. Betrayal and lies really angers her, but also when her partner cannot meet her expectations of love she gets very upset bec its also an indication of how shes not good enough, or not loveable enough to be able to have this in the relationship (her insecurity means every failing always comes back to her, even if its out of her control).

I feel like five would be a level-headed person enough in the relationship to not be afraid to say 'vanya ur being stupid' (ie. the s2 confrontation lmao). Also, five's personality means she will never have to doubt his actions bec she knows hes the type who will not give u the moment of the day if hes not interested.

Not to mention they also have the whole apocalypse vs. saviour, hero/villain thing. Theres just a lot to explore!

3. I probably have several. But mostly I dont mind five being a dick to vanya bec first, even if the appeal is hes soft to her hes already kind of a dick in canon lmao. Also, vanya isnt a child. Shes grown and she can handle petty af things like five telling her shes not good at cooking lol. I also dont mind it cause I feel like people are getting too afraid to write... conflict for fear or portraying an abusive relationship or smth. Like, chill. Conflict is fine, resolving it is how u get a story. However in saying that, nobody should be obligated to write any way unless you want to! Fanfic is for comfort so if what your doing is making u happy then its good enough!

horrance which i also ship but i love the platonic and romantic relationship equally:

1. I came in tua in general not shipping anything so Im honestly not sure. I do remember someone doing a meta before s2 came out that was basically how ben acted weird when klaus summoned dave in s1 that made me go 👀 Otherwise, tua s2 rlly made me like them cause tua FED horrance shippers. Like..... the fact that klaus didnt want ben to leave him, and ben knows thats why he stayed 😢 or the fact that klaus was all over him for some reason???? Somebody also mentioned gay ben once and I resonate with that deeply. Like i get that jill exists but i resonate with gay ben deeply.

2. I love their bickering, theyre so cute together. I just like ben being angry bec hes self aware that hes got both shit and amazing taste. Shit bec he cant believes he likes Klaus (and also amazing also bec Klaus). I think the idea of them being kind of underdogs, theyre not rlly leader types and dont want to be, helps them bond together even in platonic horrance. They're both down to earth, and even tho they can annoy each other, they also know if they want a space to feel comfortable its with each other. Theyre not pressured by rivalry over leadership, or any sort of competition.

I love the idea that even tho ben is like klaus's ''conscience'', hes also down for chaos and bitchy. I feel like klaus rlly enabled that side of him, its not exactly a good thing but its p funny lol

3. I know some people think their dynamic is unhealthy but i dont care lol

alluther. So id say i dont ship this, mostly due to the fact that im not invested? Just like all tua ships so far I rlly came out not wanting anything but platonic relationships cause I feel tua doesnt do romance very well. With alluther, theyre so cute but im not super invested in either of their chars so they havent stuck for me. I appreciate seeing them and talking about them tho, and I'm def open to exploring them further.

1. I think tua canon romances are just so lackluster 😔 Idk who writes the romances but I was just like 'nice' but afterwards I dont really think about them. I love their dance scene and the message behind it! Otherwise, theyre sweet like most of the tua romances but im not super invested, same with all the non canon ships.

2. I really feel like tua needs to decide on what their relationship is. Like, just say its incest or not and stick with it 👀 Or if you wanna support it or not, just make up ur mind. I think I would've liked it better if I found the characters more interesting. Allison especially I feel like suffers from the fact that tua just doesn't want to make her ''mean''. They want to make her supportive and are less interested in making her flawed (ie. she should've had a conflict with Vanya in s2, but the writers didnt want to write the girls fighting which is stupid imo and not what that conflict is about).

In regards to Alluther, the scene where Allison gets annoyed at Luther for sleeping with someone else felt out of line. Like, how are you marrying other people and moving on but Luther isn't allowed to? But honestly, I don't mind if they actually just acknowledge it and make it a deliberate part of Allison's trait that Allison can expect a certain loyalty automatically from other people (which can tie in to her childhood being a star, and the rumour).

Luther is a big simp for Allison, which is sweet, but at the same time it would be nice to have him explore himself for a bit, and who he is outside of the academy. Then maybe they can rekindle their relationship again as new people and see where they go from there.

3. I don't hate them, but they're ok. I'm not super invested in them, just like all the tua canon romance. But I wouldn't mind making content for them if I were a bit more invested in their characters. I love their dance scene in s1 and I feel like its super a underrated portrayal of what their relationship is meant to be. I know no one talks about it but it's just such a great scene, and I'm pretty sure the choreographer was into interpretive dance? The scene had a lot of meaning that I don't see people dig around with.

Essentially I'm pretty sure the fairy lights are obviously a throwback to their childhood together, spending time outside of Reggie. So the dance scene kind of symbolized that pocket of space they made for each other in their life (even if theyre far away, or with other people, they will always have that space for each other).

The way they danced was more like playfighting than dancing, which means their relationship isn't sensual. It's more ''pure'', and romantic. Its basically two kids rekindling their love as adults. I also think this is a response to the incest, cause in s1 tua klaus literally said that 'thank god Regg is not their real father' right before Allison and Luther meet lmao. So its kinda like saying Allison x Luther isnt supposed to be 'ohh step sibling hot' but two people who experienced the same trauma as kids and finding comfort with each other (and rekindling that love after many years).

[deeeelightfuldee]

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? baking definitely. I want to get more comfortable cooking.

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? yes. I used to be pretty good at doing my brothers hair-- even the fading. But I’m sure I’ve forgotten it all by now.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? probably my sister or my nephews.

How many long term relationships have you been in? blegh. not many. Whenever I’d know that it didnt have long term potential, id drop it. no sense dragging out the inevitable.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? so for the longest time I kept my room super dark. I slept well. once miller died and kile broke my heart, I couldn’t sleep without the tv playing. I needed to hear something calming and voices talking so I wouldn’t be left with my thoughts. I still can’t turn it off.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? i think its easy to say “forgive and forget” but the reality is that once we have endured trauma we don’t easily forget. I think its kind of unrealistic. I’m trying to forgive kile but thats going to take.. i dont know how long. As for what it was... it was just betrayal.. lying. for six+ years. lots of laughing at me. 

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I like some of her songs.

Do you know your blood type? o+

Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. its coming up. 

Have you ever been pregnant? I dont think so. I was really late after my assault but who knows.

How old were you when you first went on a plane? like 7ish

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Yeah, student loans. 15k feels so daunting right now.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life? One is. My mom.

When was the last time you went apple picking? highschool maybe?

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? money.. or a trip.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work? definitely not. 

How many bedrooms are in your house? four. 

Are you smart about computers? I know some stuff.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? oh heck’n yeah

Do you own a Xbox 360? I had one from my brother for a little while but I traded it for the gamecube since Kile was going to send me one of the 15 he had lol. That didn’t end up happening, but its OK i really dont need more gaming.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? oooooooo.. probably not.

So, do you need a nap? all day is full of naps to try and get over this.

What would you rather be doing? school

What sport are you the best at? maybe volleyball or swimming

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope, im the baby. 

Do you complain a lot? no, i try not to. I find complaining to be the most unattractive and yet common human trait and while there are definitely situations worthy of complaining, most of the time it just makes a situation worse than it actually was.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? temple

Do you like fruity or minty gum? definitely minty

Are you looking forward to any day of this month? i was really looking forward to Kile’s birthday on monday, but since we arent talking anymore then there is no joy in that. all the other special dates have been ruined by covid.

Have you ever gotten detention? Nope. homeschoolers and detention arent a thing. 

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? oh sure. heartbreak, deaths, assaults, etc.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? no, i can’t be super picky because not every store carries clothing long enough for me.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? i havent got a clue

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I mean I’m very fond of cats & dogs

Ever cried so much you threw up? this is what happened the whole 2-3 weeks following finding out about Kile.

Who is your best guy friend? I suppose now that would be Nathan

What do you two do when you hang out? drives, game nights, get food/drinks, or just talk.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Her

Do you even like horror movies? not particularly. I’ll watch them if someone else wants to but its not my preference.

Do you live in the country? i live in the suburbs i suppose.

What is your favorite accent? Some southern and British accents. <same ... i have no idea how I made the font like this.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? Not that I can think of.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? diet coke

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? my family celebrated during the day and then I think nathan took me out on the town

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? nope.

Do you take a lot of pictures? man. this question is hard. I used to love taking pictures of myself. I had much more self confidence and some of it was because kile LOVED my selfies -- or so he said. and I just had so much fun doing that. Since the heartbreak, I’ve maybe taken 10 selfies. I just don’t have any self confidence in my looks anymore. its so different now. most of my pictures now are of other people or scenery.

What kind of face wash do you use? cerave when I want to. otherwise i use water and a very particular type of fabric. 

Does drama always seem to follow you? No, i dont think so.

Does anybody in your family race? like cars? running? no.

Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” I think i got it like 2x and it was a dollar.

Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop.

Do you like your parents? i love my mom.

Do you secretly like someone? No.

Would you ever date your best male friend? I don’t see any romantic feelings developing between nathan and I

What are you currently listening to? I have gilmore girls on.

Do you want to be single? oooof. Um. I am torn on this subject. On the one hand, i really am ready to be loved, held, protected, cared for, etc. I love the idea of building a life together with someone and us both protecting our unit. I miss supporting, cherishing, loving on someone. Yet on the other hand, im fine being single. I have so much insecurity about myself lately that I dk that anyone else needs to deal with that baggage. Idk

Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in. ill be staying in for some time.

Have you pretended to like someone? romantically, no. professionally, yes.

How is your heart lately? Sad. heavy. 

Are you wearing socks? not at the moment. 

What do people call you? Di, diana, dee, ana, di-nan-na, dine-uh, deenah.

Do you get stressed out easily? no, I really dont

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? yes

What is wrong with you right now? im sick. im heartbroken.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? not that I know of. if I do, it’d be from like middle school. I never shopped there but people tended to give gifts from there.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone. maybe I havent found the right sort of person to share a bed with.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes, several times. 

Did you get any compliments today? No.

Have you ever gone to a beach? many many many times.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? not my thing. at all.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Yes.

Do you have long nails? they are healthy length. I want to grow them out a bit more. 

Do you like the gender you are? Yeah.

Do you generally look nice in photos? Not anymore

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? no haha

What colour are your father’s eyes? Blue.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? uhhhhm, blue october

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? maybe not anymore. 

What’s your favorite hot beverage? hot chocolate from dunkin

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? i did. no comment.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? oooooohhhhhhhhh man i love both.

Do you think you’re important? I mean i offer some importance to this world but eh.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm no idea.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? no

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Nope.

What was the first thing you ate today? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? for the longest time it was to spend the day driving aimlessly and getting food and talking about everything and nothing with Kile. now, its just.. idunno. blank.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? I’m not doing well.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? There’s a few things related to school.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back? not really, no.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? this whole covid nonsense going away, heartbreak to soothe, and my miller back.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? i dont know. 

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I just changed it up so itll be a bit.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? Fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ yes. several times.

How many drugs are in your system? lol lots of meds rn to kick this. usually none.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? the same as today.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. i dont like the idea of bite marks but hickeys were fun for a time. in not visible areas tho.

Do you call anyone baby? Not anymore.

What’s your current mood? Bleh.

What were you doing before filling out this survey? Watching gilmore girls

How late did you stay up last night? I took PM meds at i wanna say 8? maybe 7? I don’t remember.

When was the last time you cried really hard? its been a few weeks since ive cried about Kile. I’m in the numb stage.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? hahahahahahah

[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

[cockringhoratio]

well gosh golly gee will ya look at that its a tag game! tagged by the blogger of Bad Cosmemes: @sherpawhale​

PRESS J TO SKIP IF YOU AINT WANNA SEE THIS sorry mobile users ur screwed

Rules: answer 11, ask 11

1. What sport are you most excited to watch during the 2018 Winter Olympics? Or sport you’d most like to understand more about?

okay so im ngl i mainly watch the olympics for swimming, diving, volleyball, and gymnastics, and those are all summer sports, but that one when you ski and shoot things at the same time sounds pretty banging. also freestyle skiing and snowboarding are cool too.

2. Would you rather be Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, or Snapchat famous?

honestly youtube probably. because i love to talk about stuff when no one can interrupt me and honestly i could probably swing it as a how to channel. and also adsense but the only things i know how to How To are tech theater nonsense or already have like 50 thousand videos on them so meh

3. What are your thoughts/feelings on your most famous “local” (local can be regional) sports team?

so. the thing about va. is that. we dont have SPORTS! we kinda bum off everyone around us, which means for college basketball, we go to duke vs TARHEELS WOOT WOOT (also its hilarious that nc state thinks that theyre somehow in the picture for that rivalry like lmao) and then i think the cavaliers do okay for themselves in football, and i think thats the closest we get to a Known team from va? also we have the tides in norfolk, who feed into the orieles, but like does anyone actually follow the minor leagues??? and because the nationals in dc are closer, everyone follows them instead of the orieles for the majors so its just wah???? and then obvi the redskins (whom i did not realize where in dc for THE LONGEST time) for the nfl and that about it. my fam goes to tides games sometimes, and also penninsula pilots games, which are really fun bc its all homey and old school, and thats about the extent of my sports knowledge. yes technically local for me right now would be la but honestly fuck an la.

4. What is the one book/book series you would read to experience it for the first time again if you could?

So Fucking Many. um. lemme think. i reread thief of time by terry pratchett almost religiously but it still manages to get me just as much as it did the first time, so not that one. (if you asking what book id want buried with me, however, that would 100% be the answer). maybe the belgariad/mallorean by david eddings?? bc the ending of that makes me cry like a fuckin baby holy shit. but i swear theres a better one...... NEVERWHERE. by neil gaiman. yeah. that one. shoutout to allison for first giving me that one lol. (also the wee free men and all the tiffany aching books. those are Good Shit too)

5. What is the one tv show you would watch to experience it for the first time again if you could?

pushing daisies. no question.

6. What is the one song or album you would listen to experience it for the first time again if you could?

transmissions by starset, and also gimme gimme gimme (a man after midnight) by abba and the last of the real ones by fob. the reason i listed more than one is bc if i didnt i would immediately star talking abt transmissions and starset and then this post would be 5 miles longer than its already gonna be

7.  What is the one game you would play to experience it for the first time again if you could?

i dont have very expansive gaming experience outside of browser stuff, and i technically havent beat superhot yet so i cant really experience it AGAIN cuz i havent even fully experienced it for the first time. but on the other hand, i do play an obscene number of escape room games and once you beat those is kinda like well... so i guess id go back and and do those again.... OH WAIT lego indiana jones. because im a fucking class act.

8. What is the one movie you would watch to experience it for the first time again if you could?

descendants (2015) bc HOLY SHIT did ben fucking hit me out of left field like that is an emotional experience i definitely want to relive. also power rangers (2017) and the entire oceans trilogy (in reverse order like i watched them the first time lmao its so funny to be introduced to andy garcia as like their grumpy sugar daddy in the last one and then see him in 12 and 11 and hes like.... so not that...)

9. If you drive, do you prefer to drive with your hands at 10 and 2 or 9 and 3 (don’t say other, which of these two)?

ah i see we’re gonna pretend i dont drive with one hand at 6 and/or my knee. and even then, they teach 8&4 now bc of airbag stuff, but uuuuh whenever i sit up really straight and stretch my arms, i put my hands at 10 and 2

10. What’s the best vanity plate you’ve ever seen?

i come from the land of $10 vanity plates so Let Me Tell You i have seen some real gems. my friend has AUDREY 2, saw a truck with TH8R once, also a PIR8 GRL truck, and my best friend has H3CK Y3A bc shes a fucking nerd. thats all i can tell you off the top of my head but there are some great ones. also lots of like ‘luv my kids’ or jackson 5 type plates. and also lots of Well Im Sure You Didnt Mean It As A Sex Thing Because Of The Stick People Family On Your Windshield But I Literally Cant Come Up With Any Other Interpretation

11. What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled, or if you’re not a prankster, best prank you’ve witnessed?

god you know that feeling where you know youve pulled some good ones but you cant for the life of you remember them? thats me rn. cuz i Know me and my friends have pulled some real shit on each other. all i can remember is scaring obnoxious freshmen by turning off the lights in the catwalks after telling them about our theater ghost, but like thats boring. there was the 69 shirt a different group of made but like we were pretty obvious about that so it wasnt really a prank. hmmmm. cant think of any ive witnessed either damn. my memories really going to shit isnt it.

My questions:

1. what creature would you ride into battle in your YA adventure film?

2. what would your highly unrealistic virus a la hackers (1995) look like/be themed around?

3. what is your ideal pet? (real or otherwise)

4. what is your opinion on the fact that my roommate has color coordinated every goddamn thing she owns down to the fucking charging cable she uses?

5. what are your favorite kind of shoes?

6. follow any webcomics?

7. whats your treat yourself meal?

8. whats your feel good movie/book/show?

9. whats your favorite ride or type of ride at amusement parks/carnivals/etc?

10. what historical figure would be fight on sight if you could time travel?

11. if a car is going 70+ on a 60 highway are you the one with your foot on the pedal or the one screaming in the passenger seat?

tagging time: i know i normally dont actually tag people but i got to pick the questions this time so imma do it. also dont feel obligated to do it if you dont wanna, and if i didnt tag you but you do wanna, have at it fam. @colordrifter @punkpixieprince @holybikinisbatman @rainelinde @theheartshapedsunglasses​ @hometown-unicorn​

[nofeelingsandallthefeelings]

period orrr

march 18, 2018

big apple, lil shuco

I am experiencing tremendous moods on this period. It is so hard to distinguish if they are real of if they are just maximized due to mother nature. Today i have felt nothing but sadness and a strong desire to give up and call it a day. I definitely snowball my feelings and its for good reason, i feel in the same place from last, having to hide what I actually feel in fears of being criticized and minimized. All i want to be is acknowledged, I don’t need to be right or wrong just simply acknowledged that i have feelings and emotions. I also realized that it doesnt feel right. It doesnt feel right that I am constantly inventing plan b in my head because I feel the ground under me can be swept up at any moment. I dont feel secure in any aspects of this relationship, i dont feel emotionally secure or financially secure, here are a few examples of plan b (while we are at it)

-b) keep pennies ready to find sublet in ny for the summer, put deposit down, land job, land nu nu PAID internship, begin marketing self and finding new marks. be frugal, save stack, and get ready for a rough and new patch. 

-b) break up and change phone number and procede w plan b numero uno

-c) dont go to la and dont talk to him for the rest of my life and change number

-b) stay in ny, i think is an accurate portrayal of plan b, there is more opportunity here and distraction than nashville could ever give. I understand that i coudlnt run away from the consequences of my feelings and that could make it a tough transition into a new life in a new city. 

whatever. anyways im feeling like I want out and through and through its becoming clear to me he isnt the one for me and hes also not exactly what I want for myself or for life. I guess i have been misleading myself into beleiving what society wants me to beleve and primarily what s wants me to believe, that love is love and love is this and it is that, and it is the most highest, most purest concept, and that bc i am a girl, i want love and bc of that when someone says they love me or claim theyre actions reflect love, i must adhere and adopt this conept as my own. and unfortunately, i never wanted love, i dont care for it, i want coins- not love. I dont feel anything when it comes to love, i merely understand it as a concept, and to my understanding again, its like a trap. Romantic Love equals too many things to be adopted in as my own, it means being selfless, it means sacrificing, it means constantly compromising, it means talking to someone about a decision (permission), it means settling for what is given. 

I am not down, I really am not. Everything provided for me I am thankful for but tbh i dont need shawn to pay my bills or get my pennies up, but I guess he needs me so he doest feel so lonely or miserable about his existence. In a way, he is a dull star merely shining from light years away, while I am a cosmo twinkling as bright as the sun throughout the vast depths of the solar system .. but i am getting drained of my shine and i dont like it. 

i can work but not under these circumstances, and i know people are critics of wanting the perfect circumstances as being unrealistic or unfeasible to my generation or age, but when else will anything be at an arms length. It is feasible and realistic bc i work for it and believe it can happen. 

 and people say relationships aren't easy but worth it? WHERE SWAY and how and for why for the sake of a societal institution called love, for prison? In this expose it has been exposed I might be emotionally under developed or quiete the opposite, emotionally over developed. 

i daydream about cheating, i think about just moving on and changing my phone number. I think confrontation is obviously the biggest challenge i have here. but in a weird and oposing twist of events, i have mislead myself into believing i have morals and righteous character by not allowing myself to cheat, but the truth is i care bc it would make me look like a salty bitch trying to get back at someone, or thats how i would look to myself i guess. 

I am just over it, i am beigging to have little tolerance for this and no longer want to be in this no matter if it means going to europe or traveling bc i can do that my damn self. ookay/ also I am a hoe at heart, i like flirting with guys and getting to see what they can do for me, i also like being out and about on the scene, i like being a whore and working for my money, i like being in the company of older wealtheir folk, i like the surroundings, i like learning, and i dont like being all that stable, i like having friends. I like being a smart thot, i like being that bitch, beauty n brains and thats that. 

in light of these thoughts, here are some of the most annoying things this week: 

- “young hot girls”,whatever right? yeah except it really does bother me,why bc of the circumstances we met in its almost like being disrespectful of me or our progress and reminding me that i am replaceable. putting himself on a pedestal of desire, thats cool expect we are trying to get past that and it seems he is ever so obsessed with these stories, and the mere idea that this is him inflates his ego. its just greasy n disrespectful. you dont here me constantly talking about wealthy old men and they this and they that. my disgust turns into anger and the anger turns into a sort of vengeance, i imagine myself being a hoe again and going out taking advantage of men in turn stacking bands and exploiting the young hot girl phenomena but not with him, bc hes gross. 

-my way or no way. Pouty pout pout. how fucking old are we, I think i am constantly taking care of people in very twisted ways. Literally he has been acting like a teen age boy, emotionally underdeveloped from years ago, he can throw temper tantrums about this or that and i listen, i look to see what i do wrong and i change..maybe not all the time but for the most part, i havent asked for anything since our conversation and i also havent brought up or complained about any sort of travel. I must be the perfect stepford gf and never complain about anything..noo i must only be thankful and grateful that somehow in nashville this godly man was given to me and i must take care of him and obey him for another man will never come my way and omg they will NEVER EVER provide for me like he does and omg they will never ever ever evr care for me, and I will always just be a hole to men, so i must keep this one happy and i am lost without him, i dont do well on my own. I must have the direction of this omg man that was sent down from the heavens, a once in a lifetime chance at anything and this is the pinnacle of my life and omg HAAA. right. 

-not being listened to. I dont know wht the hell i have to do around here to be fucking acknowledged as a whole ass human, cool you keep me fed or clothed but not really actually now that i think about it. i cant compalin about shit without being made feel like shit. I cant get a fucking word in without being argued against, i can barely get through half an idea before i start hearing why my logic is wrong. if i was to express that i am utterly disrepected and disgusted when he mentions the phrase young hot girls, im deemed irrational, jelouse and that its just a joke, that i am too sensitive and take things too personally, that its not real until i hear it again. im just taken for a joke in this relationship its liek i dont really even exist and for what? for what? for fun trips that i only get to enjoy with this person i dislike, for a few coins in the bank? I can do all of this shit by my self, i can! If something doesnt give I am out, i no longer have the energy to be carried around only to be unacknowlded and barked at. and of course, if he was to read this it would be a “false narrative I invented“ 

men r so predictable

anywyas im gonna write my paper now.